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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 258 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Striped ‘Abelin’ Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Striped ‘Abelin’ Jacket by HUGO Hot, hot blazer from HUGO. I particularly love the collar and lapel, both of which have a slightly different pattern than the horizontal stripes everywhere else. For some reason I'm seeing it with a mint pencil skirt and a blue silk tee, but that's me. It's $650 at Hugoboss.com. Striped ‘Abelin’ Jacket by HUGO Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. MissJackson

    Love this. I have a black and white striped blazer (mine is a more casual knit blazer) and it gets tons of wear — it seems to compliment everything in my closet.

  3. Nancy P

    Did anyone else see this and say “beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice!”

    • KC

      Haha, I made the same comment to a friend when we spotted a similar blazer out shopping a few weeks ago.

    • Kanye East

      Precisely the reason I can’t watch “Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23.” I look at that lead actress, and all I see is Winona Ryder’s character from Beetlejuice.

      //Kanye Shrug//

      • Hel-lo

        Ha! Yes!

        Also, I wish we didn’t use derogatory terms for women in tv titles. (Making it the initial doesn’t help.)

        • Hel-lo

          (Sorry, that’s not your fault, Kanye. The title just turns me off of that show.)

    • PharmaGirl

      Is it just me or is something ‘off’ with that blazer? The front looks super short and tight but the image from the back looks longer and loose.

      • Cat

        I think the weirdness is caused by the strip at the bottom – looks like it may contain elastic, based on how the back puffs out a little at the top and then curves in like a windbreaker?

      • Bluejay

        I think it’s either two different models or styled with two different tops underneath in the front and back photos. Really strange styling.

  5. C.Z.

    Happy Monday!
    I recently went shopping (read: spent 7 hours wandering the mall) and discovered that I now wear a size 29 in jeans, after spending years in 32. To celebrate I bought a pair of purple skinny jeans, but I’m at a loss of how to style them! I was thinking a striped tee but have no other ideas beyond that. They’re not a deep aubergine, more of a brightish purple with blue rather than yellow unertones. Any advice?

  6. manomanon

    I’m done!!! Done Done Done!
    And ecstatic! I turned in my last final and am officially done with college :)
    And yes it’s only undergrad but I’m still bouncing off the walls at work :)

    • TCFKAG

      I was more excited when I finished undergrad than when I finished law school! Do you have a “senior week” or something similar — we did and its as like college camp…but with booze. It was great.

      • manomanon

        yes and no- we have a million years until graduation (it’s super late) so we have about a week off and then senior week- first the beach and parties then back here to party while the school provides all of the booze it’s going to be an interesting rest of the month :)

  7. AIMS

    I like this. Particularly the vertical stripe down the lapel – I think it helps break up all the horizontal stripes and would probably be very flattering.

    That said, I think the whole striped blazer look might become very dated, very fast – I have seen some version of this blazer in almost every store this spring. With that kind of oversaturation it’s likely going to become “that nautical blazer we all wore that year” very quickly.

    • Trista

      Agree.

      Also, why are horizontal stripes (AKA: The Most Unflattering Pattern Known to Womankind) suddenly “in”? This is a trend that I will skip! I’m a curvy lady, and stripes just don’t do me ANY favors!

  8. Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

    Like the blazer, but can’t unsee the Beetlejuice reference now.

    Threadjack: I’ve been looking for a nude for me pair of shoes for a long time now and can’t find a pair that matches exactly. So what is better, for shoes to be a bit lighter than my skin tone or darker?

    • Former MidLevel

      I usually go for a shade darker, but it’s really whatever looks/feels the best to you.

    • a passion for fashion

      I think we were searching for these for you a few weeks ago and you said you were fairly dark skinned. If that is true, I would go lighter than your skin and wear something that is sort-of a traditional “nude color” (for reference, I have a pair of SW “Daisy” pumps in nude that I consider a fairly standard nude color)

      • anon

        But the whole point of nude (for you) shoe is to blend with your skin tone to elongate the leg and avoid the visible line that happens with the contrast between skin tone and shoe color.

        I would also go with a darker tone than skin – agree that it grounds the look, and doesn’t draw the eye down as much as a lighter color would. Shrug. Or at least that’s what my mind’s eye says.

    • NOLA

      I think darker. I’m really pale with peachy undertones and I bought a pair of “nude” mary janes in a light peachy color and they look really bright against my skin. Light tan shoes tend to look more nude for me.

    • Bluejay

      You said you have sort of Halle Berry’s skin tone, right? I think darker would elongate your legs more, if that’s what you’re looking for.

      • Anonymous

        One more suggestion just in case those aren’t perfect — Lauren by Ralph Lauren Zabrina. There is a lighter and a darker brown at Zappos and one of those might work. I love these shoes.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      Forgot about link moderation.

      Thanks ladies, based on your suggestions, I ordered the Nine West Ambitious in Dark Brown and the Cole Haan Air Talia in Dark Chocolate. Hopefully, one will work.

  9. MCA

    hrm, I like this jacket but think I would like it more if it was navy & cream…

    on a related note, I am been searching for a casual gray blazer. I bought a fantastic one from Calvin Klein a few years ago (thick cotton material, 3 quarter sleeves) and wore it to death. Now I need to find another one and I cant seem to find anything. I think this is such a wardrobe stable and am missing my CK one. Anyone seen anything similar? Perhaps, I am just looking in the wrong season and need to wait until fall….

  10. Anon for this...

    Am I the only one who thinks that transitional words, like “therefore,” work best as transitions and not in the middle of thoughts? E.g., “Therefore, the order is granted.” or “There is no evidence; therefore, the motion is granted.” vs. “The order is, therefore, granted.”

    • WLC

      I cringed at that last sentence. The word therefore is totally unnecessary in the middle of a sentence. Yikes. You are not alone.

    • AIMS

      I think it’s stylistic. I have a tendency to use “however” mid-sentence, but that’s a personal style thing and not for everyone. I think I do it more because using transition words solely in the beginning of a sentence tends to get boring and sometimes I think it just sounds better.

      My bigger pet peeves are 1) when transition words are used consecutively in a mechanical way (i.e., each sentence begins with “moreover” and “therefore” and “as such”) or, worse, 2) when transition words are used incorrectly (a surprisingly frequent occurence).

      • momentsofabsurdity

        I was taught in middle school English class that however is a conjunction and cannot start or end a word (so, has to be in the middle). Is that incorrect?

        • b23

          I think that’s true. I was never taught that, but most of the appellate lawyers I’ve worked with say you can’t start a sentence with however.

        • Emily I

          Technically “however” is both a conjunction and an adverb. I use it most often at the beginning of sentences. My middle school English teacher was a proponent of starting sentences that way (where appropriate, of course).

        • a passion for fashion

          I also learned that you should not start a sentence with words like “However” and now i always move it to the middle of the sentence when I am editing a brief. So i guess as someone mentioned below, grammer “rules” tend to be more style choices.

        • Nonny

          I agree. Whenever I find myself accidentally starting a sentence with “however”, my 5th-grade teacher drops unbidden into my head and whacks me with a ruler. (She never actually did that in real life, by the way, but the version in my head does, probably for emphasis.)

    • anony

      I don’t like the word therefore at all. I’m slowly attempting to purge it and however from my writing almost entirely. I was using them as a crutch too often when other words were better.

    • downstream

      My boss would kill you for the last sentence: he would rewrite it as “The order, therefore, is granted.” No split infinitives for him.

      I over-use “therefore” as well but it’s hard to think of alternatives. Accordingly; consequently; thus; and I’m spent. Anyone else have anything good?

      • TCFKAG

        So.

        One of the best resources I got at my old firm was a writing handbook that included a chart of “commonly overused transitionary phrases” and “alternatives you could use instead.” I don’t have it with me though, so I can’t tell you what it recommended in addition, but I like *so* because its a nice short, staccato rhythm to break up a sentence.

      • Totes McGotes

        That’s not a split infinitive. An infinitive in the example you provided would be “to grant.” The most famous emple of a split infinitive is Star Trek’s “to boldly go.”

        • Totes McGotes

          *example

          I love when I make typos as I’m correcting someone’s grammar, don’t you?

        • downstream

          I know it’s not technically a split infinitive, but it’s the same idea (putting a word between a verb phrase (again I don’t know the correct term but you know what I mean))

      • Law Clerk

        I don’t like “therefore” either. You can also use “as such.” Or re-write your sentence in such a way that you can use “because” instead. I like “accordingly,” as you mentioned.

        If I were to use construction of “The order is, therefore, granted,” I would probably omit the commas. Discuss.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I had a college professor require that however and therefore be the first word in the sentence. Then at my first law job, my boss required it to be in the middle. I generally stick with the middle now. At least I know intelligent people disagree on the matter.

      • downstream

        “At least I know intelligent people disagree on the matter.”

        You should put that on a bumper sticker. It applies to basically any conflict ever.

    • Anonsensical

      I’ve come to believe that most grammar “rules” are not really rules. If you understand the reasoning behind them, you can make intelligent choices to comply with them or ignore them as you please. For example, the “rule” against using passive voice isn’t a rule, but it’s a weaker construction that tends to obscure the actor in a given situation. If that’s what you’re going for, by all means use the passive voice. Same with “but” and “however.” Put them wherever you want, so long as you have a good reason for doing it. “The order, therefore, is granted,” sounds kind of dramatic and might be a nice way to end a really pointed closing paragraph. “Therefore, the order is granted,” or “Thus the order is granted,” sound more neutral and impersonal, like “A+B = C. A=2 and C=3. Therefore, B=1.”

    • SpaceMountain

      Since we’re being nitpicky here anyway, in my experience motions are granted and orders are issued.

    • Mountain Girl

      As a finance gal I have never been in a professional position where I needed to really worry about these issues. My numerically oriented brain found this conversation fascinating.

      • coco

        I have a similar brain, and my favorite part of English class ever was diagramming sentences. Now that made sense to me.

  11. Moving

    Any tips from the hive for a cross country move? I’m a recent college grad, so my worldly possession are limited, but I’m trying to figure out what’s worth shipping/driving and what is inexpensive to replace. FWIW I’m moving from a rather low-cost area to a place with a much higher cost of living. Any general moving tips are appreciated too :)

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Media mail for all your books/movies – very inexpensive, and books are usually the heaviest.

      Ditch all furniture that is not heirloom furniture that you’ll want to keep forever. Craigslist and freecycle new-to-you furniture at your new destination. Same goes for plates/cutlery. Unless you can see yourself keeping it til you’re grey and old or it is irreplaceable – sell it, donate it, give it away, leave it behind.

    • new york associate

      Think very seriously about your books. Books are really heavy and not cheap to ship, even media mail. Purge as much as you can stand.

    • Bluejay

      When I moved cross country, I found it was cheaper to donate my furniture and buy all new furniture rather than paying movers (I also would have needed storage for a month or so). Also, I was moving into a smaller place, so my furniture wouldn’t have fit well. Definitely don’t spend money to ship a couch across the country unless you’re 100% sure it will fit into your new apartment.

    • Colleen

      Not sure if this applies to you, but…

      If your stuff doesn’t fit into a car, I highly recommend renting a UHaul, driving it yourself, and hiring helpers (see movinghelp dot com) to help you load and unload. Positive stories about interstate moving companies are few and far between, and I’ve heard a TON of horror stories involving damaged property, late deliveries, and even ransoming of property! I’ve done two long-range moves with the UHaul-and-helpers strategy, and they were both seamless.

      • PharmaGirl

        I have done this as well. The movers were certainly not the quailty that I would use now, more expensive furniture, but they were fine for my cheap ikea couch and dining table.

      • edj

        I am doing that exact strategy this week–moving from Boston to the Midwest for a new job which starts on Monday. We’ve hired a two man crew to load the U-Haul on Wednesday and have another two man crew to unload on Saturday.

        I will also say IMO it’s worth spending money on boxes that are both sturdy and uniform in size. The truck loads better/more efficiently and our belongings are better protected.

    • TurtleWexler

      I recently did a cross-country move and I used one of those cube services. I think it was called Move Builder but I’m not sure of that. Anyway, they were great as far as communication and being on time, but the MOST important thing was to hire really good people to load the cube — there was no weight limit so we wanted to get as much as possible in there (also if you pack it right, things don’t shift and get broken along the way). The guys who loaded it for me were magicians. We were trying to keep to a strict budget, but that was worth every penny.

      We tried to purge a lot of our random junk before the move, but one thing I would have spent more time on is scanning papers that we wanted to have a record of but didn’t necessarily need the originals of. We still have several boxes of papers lying around that are really heavy, take up space, and could probably be reduced by half or more with a few hours of scanning.

    • Hel-lo

      I found that shipping USPS Ground was cheaper than UPS or Fed Ex. Stock up on those free flat-rate boxes in all sizes. Cheap!

  12. husband's friend

    Threadjack: Dealing with your spouse’s friend(s).

    My new spouse has a friend of 10 years or so that I find absolutely despicable. Morally reprehensible, condescending, untruthful, and just in general, hard to stomach. If I spend more than an hour or so with this person, I start to feel really anxious and like I need to escape. I have actually cried a few times from the anxiety (not in front of anyone).

    That said, my spouse considers this person one of his best friends. He lives in a different city, so we don’t see each other all the time. But my spouse and I have gotten into a number of fights over this person, often arising after we’ve all hung out together or, more lately, me resisting hanging out with him.

    We just got in another fight where, appropos of nothing, my spouse tells me that this person isn’t leaving his life, ever, and that I need to suck it up. Well, it was appropos of his friend suggesting they buy a vacation house together (nightmare). My position in this is, why do I have to hang out with him (other than events like weddings or something)? If my husband wants to go on a trip with him or go visit, fine, but why must I be part of it? Am I wrong here? What *should* the answer be?

    • 30

      You are not out of line. There is no rule saying you have to be friends with his friends. I think your position – you can hang out with him, but I don’t want to – sounds perfectly reasonable.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      You don’t need to be a part of his relationship with his friend that you can’t stand. I wouldn’t be outright rude to him, but I wouldn’t make an effort to see him/take vacation days to go with your husband to visit, etc.

      It’s also completely fair to say, if your finances are merged, I am putting my foot down, we will not be using OUR money to purchase a vacation home with Jerk Friend. If your finances aren’t merged and he uses his money for his things, and you use your money for your things, it’s a little trickier.

    • AIMS

      I don’t know what the answer should be, but you are clearly having a very strong reaction to this person. How is your husband such close friends with a person who is so morally reprehensible as to actually bring you to tears and on more than one occasion? Is it possible your reaction to him is unreasonable or you are being overly sensitive? Perhaps this is an issue with your husband you are projecting onto his friend?

      I can understand finding a friend annoying, boring or crude and the like, but your reaction seems to be so much stronger than that. It’s hard to give advice without knowing more. It doesn’t sound unreasonable for you to want to avoid this person if you are not interfering with their friendship generally (and I would certainly not think twice about saying no to a vacation house to anyone I simply didn’t enjoy, never mind these feelings), but I think maybe something deeper is going on here. I’d try to figure out what makes you tick about this guy. If he’s just an idiot (I am imagining a Larry the Cable Guy type here, for ex.), I’d just write him off as harmless and move on; if it’s something more serious, I’d talk to your husband.

      • husband's friend

        A lot of people have problems with this person — my husband’s other friends, for example — but I’ll grant that none of them regularly has the extreme reactions as I have. But one of my husband’s friends, who lives in the same city as this person and was friendly with him at first because they had a mutual friend, eventually cut off contact with the friend because he was so objectionable. And one of my friends, upon meeting this person, and without any preface from me — had a sort of freak out. I guess he was antagonizing her (he likes to put people down while bragging about himself, as a sort of superiority show), and at the time she claimed he was the worst person she’d ever met.

        So now you’re probably wondering why my husband is friends with this person. He’s apparently very loyal, and although my husband recognizes his shortcomings, they “don’t bother” him. He’s also generous to a fault — too generous, if you ask me; it’s almost as though he wants us to be indebted to him — and I think my husband *does* feel indebted to him. The friend is also not always bad — not at every second, at least. He can at times be charming (but at those times, he’s still sure to tell you how much everyone likes him and how popular he is — repeatedly).

        • Sadie

          I posted my response below while you were posting this, didn’t see it, sorry :)

          I think you’re well within your rights to say “he’s your friend, I understand and respect that, I won’t be spending any time with him, and you’ll have to understand and respect THAT”.

      • Sadie

        I agree…I like some of my husband’s friends better than others, and some I prefer to avoid, but I don’t have this sort of anxiety ridden visceral reaction to anybody. What is really going on here? If there’s some good reason for your reaction other than “he’s not a very good person and I don’t like him”, have you told your husband? Basically, your husband’s reaction seems kind of mean and ridiculous given your level of anxiety over this guy,however, based on the info here, your anxiety is totally out of line and unreasonable, so I can’t really blame hubby. Assuming you’re not actually an irrational, unbalanced person, there’s something more going on here, and if so, you need to tell your husband what it is, because right now you just sound unreasonable. There’s got to be something more going on here.
        I think the joint vacation house issue is sort of secondary to figuring out wth is going on underneath all this.

        • husband's friend

          I’m reluctant to share much more detail, for fear that this person or others involved would know I have these feelings (although he’s probably unlikely to read Corporette). But maybe I am being irrational. It’s hard to be objective when it’s… you.

      • Legally Brunette

        Agree that some more specific context would be helpful. If the friend talks about sleeping around or makes racist/sexist/homophobic comments, then he is certainly morally reprehensible and you don’t need to hang out with him (and I would question why your hubby cares for him). On the other hand, if his behavior is offensive to you but is not objectively reprehensible, then perhaps you might have a lower threshold for certain things. Some specific examples of what he does would be helpful in providing you with advice.

    • Bluejay

      I think you have to suck it up and deal with the fact that he is your husband’s friend and that’s not going to change. How would you feel if your husband tried to get you to reject one of your old and dear friends?

      Having said that, you don’t have to hang out with this person, although you should be polite when you see him in social settings. And I don’t think you should agree to buy a vacation home with someone you don’t trust completely. Major financial decisions need to be made with the full agreement of both spouses, and you also shouldn’t have to spend vacations with someone you don’t like. Your husband should understand that.

      If this friend has actually done something to you personally to make you uncomfortable around him, my answer would be different – I’d suggest you tell your husband the truth about what transpired between you and the friend and explain why you’re uncomfortable. But it sounds like you just don’t like the guy because of things that didn’t affect you directly.

      • husband's friend

        It’s true, nothing has happened. General dislike, but very intense dislike! I’m just trying to figure out what the right balance is, I guess. Because we keep fighting over whether, say, I need to spend the weekend with my husband, this guy, and whatever girl the guy is currently dating.

        • Bluejay

          Ugh, no, of course you don’t need to spend the weekend with people you dislike! Have an honest talk with your husband. Tell him you respect his relationship with the friend, but as he knows, you don’t enjoy spending time with the friend. Tell him that you in no way want to change his relationship with his friend or prevent him from spending time with the friend, but you do not want to spend time with him yourself. Tell your husband you’re fine with him having a guys’ night or whatever he wants, but you do not want to accompany him and he should respect that.

          It’s sort of troubling that your husband doesn’t mind making you uncomfortable. Have you told him, calmly and honestly and without getting angry, how uncomfortable you really feel around this guy? Or does he think you’re just being a whiner?

          • husband's friend

            We’ve talked about it, and then we seem to reach a resolution — which is, he understands how I feel, etc. But then we find ourselves back in the same place a couple months later, rehashing the same issue. As if the earlier conversation never happened. It’s frustrating.

          • Bluejay

            I think I would just respond to it by saying “we’ve discussed this, and we decided that I didn’t have to spend time with him. I don’t want to reconsider that decision.” Then change the subject.

    • TCFKAG

      Okay…is your husband actually trying to convince you to buy property with this guy? Because I’d consider that so far beyond the pale as to be absurd. I mean, I’m not a huge fan of some of my hubbies college friends. They are, to be frank, kind of toads. (He knows it…but you know, they’re his friends…they drink beer.) I’ll go to weddings or other “command” appearances, but otherwise I let him have guys weekends and I stay home…luckily few if any of them live near us.

      But if my husband came home and declared they were all going in on a condo in Boca together, I think I’d roll off the couch laughing (partially b/c it would be so out of character…but also because I’d think it was funny he’d even think it would be close to okay to ask!) If I’m ever buying a vacation place, its going to be somewhere *I* can go and enjoy MY self. egad.

      • husband's friend

        Nah, he’s not pushing buying the property, it was more what started the conversation.

        That would be ideal, for me. To be cordial at events, or whatever, but not have to spend weekends together or what have you. I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out here — whether you guys think it’s unreasonable for me to stay behind, if my husband wants to go visit.

    • cfm

      To be honest this question is really hard to answer. In general, no you don’t have to be friends with you husband’s friends. That said, I would think like once every two months or so you should be making an effort to join in group activities.

      Here’s the thing I’m wondering though, this seems like an extreme, extreme reaction to this guy. Condescending and untruthful are one thing, that is kind of general dbag behavior and I would just tease him about it. keep it light and friendly but i would just call him out on stuff. I’ve actually mastered this technique with some of the guys that run in my circle, it sends my girlfriends into hysterics. But morally reprehensible could be such a range of things. Are we talking he is criminal? racist? cheats on his gf?

      It sounds like you are trying to be almost stepford wifeish with this guy and its sending you into anxiety spirals. If he says something racist for example, you can absolutely say something. Dont rage at him but just say “Oh, I don’t engage in any type of discussion like that. lets finish that conversation about how you were a star football player in the fourth grade” that way you arent attacking him since you want to keep the boat level, but you are just smiling and nodding and hating yourself on the inside.

      Can you give us more information about him? the reaction just seems so extreme. You should not be crying about having to see someone for a few hours.

      • husband's friend

        Well, the morally reprehensible part is that he treats women as objects and brags about it. He also lies about material things… like introducing himself to people (that he will see again!!) as having a certain profession, that requires a lot of qualifications and engenders a lot of respect, and the like, when he… doesn’t have that profession. But he’s also just really overbearing and condescending, which is the general reason I don’t like to hang out with him. An example of something he’ll casually slip into a conversation, is a suggestion that I only got my job because of my husband (he’s done this twice, and for two different jobs, now) — and it’s infuriating and I’ll feel trapped because I can’t politely tackle that head on. He’s the master of subtly criticizing you while smiling at you.

        • cfm

          Good lord. Are you around when he does that introduction? I’m going to name him donald for this.

          You can say something back. Its all in tone. Master what he does back. He says he is a doctor you say oh donald, last week you were an architect! And then turn to the person he is introducing himself to and say “he is just like george from seinfeld sometimes, picking a new profession each week! donald being a salesman isn’t that boring is it?” laughing, smiling, maybe even hand on his arm.

          Stop getting mad and just start laughing at him. theres no reason you can’t roll your eyes at him. The condescending part is what I mentioned above, I’ve mastered gently calling out dbags. To be honest you have an advangage being a woman. You can call male dbags out much better than another guy could.

          When he brags about his women “oh donald I don’t want to keep hearing about how you can’t keep a girlfriend”

          • cfm

            I submitted before I was done but wanted to add that this advice is for when you have to be around him. He sounds terrible, and I would really question my husband’s attachment to him, and wonder if that is where the anxiety is coming from. So my plan of attack would be 1. limit time, but 2. you dont have to be a perfect lady around him.

          • Monday

            I think this is a great strategy, but just want to acknowledge that not everyone is tough enough to pull it off. I, often, am not–hence I relate to the OP’s mention of crying and so on. The fact is that we don’t always have zingers at the ready. Sometimes, we’re just insulted and hurt, and can’t think beyond “wow, I really wish I wasn’t spending my free time hearing this kind of thing. I’m upset, and I wish I wasn’t.” Let alone the OP’s friends who have false rumors started about their s*x lives or are being called ugly at parties.

            There’s a guy in my group of friends from grad school who I refuse to speak to, ever. I know that he and others perceive it as an overreaction, but I have no regrets. I simply don’t have time, nor do I owe it to him, to feel uncomfortable whenever he’s around–which I always do, thanks to the same kinds of disrespectful comments, inappropriate touching etc that the OP is describing. If someone else is willing to do the hard work of taking him down a notch, I applaud her, but I am not up to it.

          • cfm

            agree Monday, and I would start small with eye rolls for example. And the more OP updates, the more crazy this guy sounds, beyond run of the mill dbag. So I would first OP, avoid seeing him. But when you do, give yourself permission not to be polite anymore. eye rolls, walking away, removing his hand from your shoulders. If you can’t implement zingy one liners, at least free yourself from having to sit there nodding and smiling. he doesnt feel that way, you shouldnt either

          • anon

            cfm, you’re a better woman than I. I think my response to the suggestion that I got my job due to my husband would be a simple and straightforward “F*** Off, Donald.” Of course said with a smile in a polite but firm tone of voice.

          • cfm

            haha anon that would prob be my first instinct. But OP seems very scared off coming off rude, so in situations like that where I have to deal with dbags but not totally tell them to f off, I’ve think I’ve got the charming call out down. That said, its what I use on rather run of the mill pretentious dbags. This sounds like its the king of all dbags. The more she updates the more I think an f off is the way to go.

            (Does anyone wish they were british some times? Id love to do a oh f*** off donald in a british accent)

        • Godzilla

          Gurl, you need to channel your inner Godzilla. You’re gonna have to put up with him for the length of your marriage, so get your claws out. When he’s “touchy” while talking to you, move back. And say, “don’t touch me” – you win ZERO POINTS for being polite to him. You know he’s doing it to intimidate you – DON’T BE INTIMIDATED, RAWR BACK. When he says stupid things, call him on it. And explain to your husband what you’re telling us and have him make it easy for you to be around this person during those times that you have to be in each other’s company. Yeah, he’s your husband’s friend but you’re your husband’s wife! He should be stepping up and establishing healthy boundaries. It sounds like you and your husband are too nice for your own collective good.

          • TCFKAG

            Agreed. If your husband is going to try to make you spend time with him, its time to STOP being polite and start getting REAL (holla mTv). Seriously, he’ll stop inviting you to weekends away if you start giving as good as you get from this a-hole (or you guys might get along much better, bullies thrive on victims.)

    • eek

      Is part of your anxiety related to a fear that your husband might start acting like friend or friend might encourage your husband to take part in behavior you would discourage?

      Separate note, and this is my comfort level coming out….I wouldn’t buy property with friends or family. It would have to be a really unique situation and even then I would only do it if I could buy them out/cover their obligation.

      • husband's friend

        I think the anxiety, which just happens when I’m around the person, is related to how overbearing I find him, and how uncomfortable he makes me. I think it probably is somewhat irrational. It’s also hard for me to explain. He’s also the type of person who is constantly touching people (rubbing your shoulders, grabbing you arm, putting his arm around you), when he’s talking to you, which adds to my level of discomfort.

        • eek

          Based on what you’ve said, I find myself loathing this person. And your question was, “do I have to hang out with this person?” No, you don’t. He’s a creeper (in addition to the other behavior).

        • Anon for this

          You are describing the same kind of guy my husband was formerly friends with. The friendship ended when we learned he had sexually assaulted a close friend of mine way back in our college days. She just never told anyone. The guy friends had no idea he was this bad. They thought he was always joking and being a d-bag but had no idea he actually was serious. After the allegations came out 10+ years later my husband wanted to at least give him a chance to defend himself since it was her word against his. I told him he was free to hash it out with him on his time but I didn’t want him in my house or invited to any function I or assaulted friend would be at. Husband agreed and has avoided being around his former friend since.

          I understand from my husband’s perspective, he is put in an awkward place. Alleged assault happened over 10 years ago and they have been friends in that time period. If he just stopped taking former friends phone calls, former friend would have no idea why, particular if, for some reason, my friend had made it up. So, husband felt like he needed to have some kind of “this is why I don’t want to hang out anymore” conversation but didn’t know how to do it.

          Luckily former friend lives far away now and we have just been “busy” anytime he has been in town. Trust your gut if this guy skeeves you out.

          • Anon for this

            Oh and former friend has no idea that assaulted friend is now telling mutual friends about what happened. She is not actually reporting it anywhere official so its just a word of mouth allegation.

        • Sadie

          Well that (the unwelcome touching) is a whole different story. If you’re not comfortable flat saying “Don’t touch me” (which would be my inclination) I would bat his hand away ‘playfully’ and say, lightly but loudly, “Oh Donald, I don’t cuddle with anyone but my hubby!” or something similar.
          Draw attention to it enough times, he’ll find another target. (and make no mistake, men like that, you ARE a target). You’re so uncomfortable because your gut is telling you something is very wrong with him. (Have you read “the gift of fear”?). Listen to it. It’s only a matter of time before he victimizes someone, if he hasn’t already.
          You don’t have to hang out with him, and you don’t have to make nice. Have you told your husband that it makes you uncomfortable when he touches you like that? If your husband would lightly say “Hey donald, hands off my wife!” in a joking/not joking way, that would go a long way towards making it clear he needs to move along, but that won’t solve the fact you’ll then be watching him doing it to other women in the group.

        • Solo Practitioner

          Ew. In law school, a dude we knew kept touching my roommate – her shoulder, hair, hands, etc. Eventually, she just turned to him and said, “Ok, PAWS OFF!!!” It got the message across.

          Agree that you need to stand up to this a-hole. Then maybe your husband will be ok with you not having to be around him. Being polite to everyone (including your husband) isn’t doing anyone any favors.

        • Anon

          I have the same reaction to a good friends boyfriend. I just do not like him. As in, a visceral reaction of dislike. The first time I met him I felt he was overbearing and trying to dominate me and the situation. Since then I have not changed my opinion. He doesn’t treat my friend especially well. I have told her that I just don’t like him and she accepts this. I just go with how I feel, he creeps me out and he gives off aggressive vibes. She thinks he’s great.

    • ss

      I’ve been a similar situation with a really unlikeable friend of my husband’s although thankfully he didn’t wind me up as much as yours does you. It got much better once I realised I don’t have to be a nice person all the time – we entertain quite a lot for work and fun, and have many friends who’ve crossed over from being mine or his to ours – but this particular guy is just going to have to be an exception. I just decline any encounters with the guy – “oh Friend’s in town and wants to have dinner ? you go ahead, I’ve got some stuff to do at home” and my husband’s fine. Neither of us need to get into a discussion about Friend’s qualities, good or bad, and I would certainly avoid putting my husband in a spot where he might feel he needs to be defensive about his friend.

    • Anon

      My partner has a good friend who is (IMO) a total asshole. Just an asshole, and is especially unpleasant to me because I’m a woman and am better-educated than he is. I’m by no means the only person who finds him unpleasant.

      But: he has been very, very good to my partner. He is friends with other of my partner’s friends, people whom I also like.

      So – I think of him as a friend-in-law, I don’t hate on him, I just don’t interact with him ever. I gather that the dislike is mutual, although I’m not sure the not-hating-on is mutual, unfortunately.

      In your shoes, I would propose the following to your spouse: you will agree to respect the friendship, to avoid bad-mouthing the friend, and if you *must* interact (like at a wedding where you’re both guests) you will be civil. You will be genuine in your support of your spouse. However, in other contexts, you will not interact. You will not vacation with, visit, go for meals with, go to the bar with, be Facebook friends with, the friend. Those are your terms.

      If he insists on something else, seek counseling to sort this out. It’s not worth fighting over and might, over time, damage the marriage.

    • SoCal Gal

      My boyfriend is good friends with my ex. (My ex actually introduced us, before he was my ex, but that’s another story.) I’m willing to attend parties where Ex will also be in attendance, but I’m not willing to go on double dates, for example, with Ex and the 22-year-old he dumped me for.

      Obviously not the same exact situation, but: it is OK to feel differently about people than your spouse does. You are different people and allowed to have your own friendships. Respect that he likes this person, but draw your boundaries and stick with them.

  13. AN

    Well, i wouldn’t be happy either if my spouse criticized my best friend and would never cut the latter out of my life. That said, I personally don’t like joint property ownership etc, whether vacation house or not. Couldn’t your spouse go on trips etc with his friend? That way, no need to buy a house together and force you to hang out with the friend too.

    But all that apart, have you actually shared instances of friend’s lies, bad behavior etc with spouse? Does he agree with you on specific examples? If not, is it because your standards are different or because of some other reason? Id be more concerned with this, rather than anything else.

    • husband's friend

      Oh, he knows… and yes, he agrees on specific examples. It’s also my husband’s other friends who tell stories, to me and my husband. Like the time he claimed to other people that he had slept with my friend, whom he had just met (my husband says this one’s ok because he was joking…), or one time he told a girl that came to one of his parties that she was unattractive.

      My husband admits that he’s really unpleasant, and can act terribly, but I wonder whether he really believes it. Because, how could you be friends with someone if you felt that way about them?

      • Monday

        To me, this sounds like fine grounds to not spend your precious free time around this guy. I know someone similar! I agree with others who say you just respect that your husband is friends with him, but decline to go along when they hang out (including for trips, etc). The vacation house shouldn’t really even be up for consideration. Jointly owning property is a huge commitment/partnership, and you’re not getting into it with someone you don’t trust. Just make sure your husband has the same license and veto power if the shoe is ever on the other foot, and try not to say or do anything out of spite.

      • Bluejay

        “Because, how could you be friends with someone if you felt that way about them?”

        I think women’s threshold for friendship is usually quite different from men’s. I’m generalizing, but women want to share secrets, talk for hours, cry together, have the same tastes, etc. Men want to hang out, drink, and do activities together, without talking about their feelings or their personal lives much. So your husband might be aware that this guy can be a jerk, but it doesn’t affect your husband much and they don’t really talk about it. Also, men tend to be less sensitive than women to subtleties of behavior, so your husband might not even notice when his friend does or says something offensive.

        Also, from what you’ve posted above, the guy sounds like he might be mentally ill. Maybe your husband hasn’t told you everything about him and he wants to remain friends because he knows the guy needs supportive friends, or something. I’d focus on your not spending time with him, and give up on trying to analyze your husband’s motivations for remaining in the friendship.

        • eek

          Bluejay, I agree on the threshold differences for friendship. I was trying to think of a way to articulate my position, but you nailed it.

        • husband's friend

          Without going into detail, I have reason to think you may be right in your speculations in your last paragraph. Certainly something for me to keep in mind, regarding my husband’s motivations.

          Thanks again, everyone.

        • Two cents

          I had a co-worker who sounds a lot like this guy. She blatantly lied ALL THE TIME – one day she was studying for her PhD in econ at the University of Chicago, another day she had been a famous model, another day she was headed to law school. I’m totally serious. In the beginning I tried to call her out on her lies but she was so caught up in the lies that she always had a reason for why she had said what she did. It was widely known in the office that she couldn’t be trusted, and she was ultimately let go. I often suspected that she was mentally ill.

        • Ruby

          My spouse has a friend somewhat similar and I feel similar though less strong. And a few years ago he moved to same city as us. For 10 yrs, has been an issue that husband gets senstitive about. But now, he actually admits they wouldn’t be friends if not for being kids together (guy is a jerk) and I don’t make an effort to hang out jointly- they do guy stuff together like go to games. Once in a while I will go do joint things, but his fiance isn’t someone I click with great (don’t dislike her, we don’t connect for whatever reason). The guy has insulted me physically and done things I disagree with and generally isn’t very nice. His friends are very fratty. If I had more free time, i might spend token time with them occasionally, but my life and moments are way too precious for that these days. If I get free time, it will be with people or activities that lift me up, not bring me down. Husband gets and respects this though once in a while gets senstitive about it- guy’s wedding is coming up and I suggested lodging plans for independent reasons (newborn) that would shorten our time there; he interpreted it as not wanting to go which wasn’t true (consciously at least). Husband has also realized this guy’s crowd is not worth the time. When I see the guy, it’s not awkward or anything, there just isn’t any great affection there.
          Oh- and the property thing should be off the table, absolutely. You are married, that is a joint decision. Men get these ideas once in a while- another douchebag wanted to buy a gross surfpad house on the coast hours from Seattle that we would go to like once a year- husband entertained this idea in his head for a while, kind of like how they want a Porsche or such. Yah- no. But he did get to shop for baby supplies last weekend.
          Feel good about your boundaries, so long as they respect his spaces too.

    • Bluejay

      I think most of this is solid advice, especially the part about doing your research. I successfully got a raise by talking to people who were just above my level and finding out how much they made when they were at my level; I was being paid about $7K less, basically because I had moved up at this company, starting with a lower salary and getting incremental raises, while they were hired from other companies and were able to negotiate a better starting salary. I also had a job offer in hand from one of our competitors, which helped a lot (I know that this doesn’t work for many people, but it was 2 years ago and I have not suffered any repercussions at all).

      I vehemently disagree, however, with the suggestion to lie. It can only come back to bite you in the butt, and not just immediately, but years down the line. That woman who lied on her application could be fired at any time if it’s discovered she lied (and many employers check your current salary). If you don’t want to disclose your current salary, either leave that line blank or write in “salary requirement: $95,000”. They can’t force you to tell, but they can spread the word to other employers – including your current one – that you’re dishonest. Don’t do it.

      • DC Jenny

        Interesting. I would not feel comfortable lying like that myself, but if someone wanted to take the calculated risk, I don’t think it’s unethical.

      • KLG

        The Grindstone article got me wondering. Where/how do people do their salary research? I have an upcoming interview for state government (no salary range was advertised, no grade given) and another with a private financial firm (both for attorney positions). No idea how to figure out what they pay. No results on glassdoor for those positions (or similar ones). I’m totally desperate and would take either job regardless of pay if I was offered the position but it would be nice to negotiate and not appear as desperate as I really am…

      • downstream

        I was going to post about that aspect of the article, but I think her take on it is solid: if you’re being underpaid currently, why should that determine whether you’re underpaid for the rest of your life? And if you were hired, and your future employer did find out eventually (unclear how they would find out), would they really fire you? If I were in that position I could see myself saying, “I did what I needed to do to get paid the amount I thought I was worth, and, incidentally, the amount you thought I was worth because you agreed to pay me that amount.” And depending on your boss, your personality, and your relationship with your boss, your boss might respect you more for that. I think mine would.

        • Bluejay

          My employer verifies the information provided on applications, so if you disclosed a salary and your current employer told them it was incorrect, you wouldn’t get an offer or your offer would be rescinded. I think this would be true of any job requiring a background check.

          My employer would, and does, fire anyone who was found to have lied on their resume or during their background check.

      • Wednesday

        Here’s a question – how do you successfully evade the question about your current salary? I’ve always assumed that this is something prospective employers will verify anyway, but I might be wrong.

        • DC Jenny

          I’m in government, so I’ve never had to do this (my salary is in my job title: GS_ – Attorney), but could you say something like, “attorneys at my organization make $X-$x” and give a range that includes what you and what you think you should be making? Or you could be honest and say that your current organization is not compensating its attorneys appropriately, and you are looking to make $x in a new position.

        • Bluejay

          I just didn’t provide it at my current job. They had you fill out this information form when you came in for an interview, and I left that line blank. They never followed up.

          If they ask you point blank, I think a good response is “I require a minimum salary of $x.” Your current salary is really irrelevant; they want that information so they can estimate the lowest salary they can offer you and get you to take the job. By stating your salary requirements, you’re giving them the information they really need. Of course, that also means that if they offer you that minimum salary, you are kind of stuck and need to accept (although you can still negotiate benefits, or say that you stated your requirements previously based on the assumption that benefits were better than they actually are and say you need more money to make up for the lack of benefits).

  15. Jenna Rink

    My boss always hates one of her subordinates. Not sure if this is a conscious decision on her part, or just one of the many elements of her personal brand of crazy. I’m in the hot seat for the first time and I just can’t seem to shake it! I suppose it’s only fair that I take my turn, but I’m really good at my job and it is driving me nuts to be second guessed at every decision I make. I so need to get out of here. Anyone want to share their crazy boss stories? I know there are a lot of people who have it worse than I do!

    • Anon

      Um, yes. My boss was exactly the same way. Someone always had to be “the one.” I found the best way to deal was to lay low, and when she did attack, just calmly say “ok, I’ll fix it and it won’t happen again.”

      I kept all conversation short, so she couldn’t argue with me on any of it or get even more aggressive. It sucks to not defend or explain yourself, but she’ll eventually have to move on to someone else when she realizes she can’t pick a fight with you or upset you.

    • karenpadi

      Start looking for a new job. Crazy bosses aren’t worth any amount of money.

    • girl in the stix

      Ugh. Worked for someone like that for five years. I loved my job but was treated so poorly, I had to quit. Her high turnover rate was noted by her bosses though.

  16. L from Oz

    This is lovely, and wouldn’t date much here, given that it’s so far from the centre of fashion-world. (Seriously, it’s the only place I’ve ever lived where I’m within shouting distance of stylish.) However, not in my budget right now. I’m rigidly paying off debt (yay!) and splurges are not in until the new year. (Well, that and I bought two budgeted-for pairs of shoes last month, which took up my discrentionary income.)

    Here’s a hijack, as I know some other people here suffer the same problem. I have chronic sinus issues, including multiple infections a year. After years of GPs just giving me antibiotics, a HNO looked up my nose, told me I had a horrendously deviated septum, and need surgery or the problem will not get better. Anyone had this done/know if it is a good idea? (For reference, I’m past the point where things like sudafed or neti pots make a difference, alas.)

    Not looking for medical advice, per se, but just general ideas. An end to a life of snuffiness, tissues and headaches would be nice, but surgery seems a bit drastic (and I like my nose as is!)

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I have friends who have had the surgery. It has cleared up their issues but the recovery can be hell. Also, all of their surgeons have asked if they want to “fix anything up, while I’m in there? Maybe flatten that bump?” which has made a few of them self conscious about their (perfectly lovely) noses.

      That being said, it’s probably better than spending 90% of your life medicated for sinus issues.

    • Godzilla

      Everybody here knows I’ve been suffering like CRAZY these past few months and I’m just getting to the imaging portion of my diagnoses. Call me crazy (hat tip to Kat) but I’m kind of hoping that I need surgery at this point – I’m so miserable. If they could just drill a couple of holes in my sinuses so it can all clear out on its own, I’m sold. After years of dealing with symptoms, taking time off from work to go to umpteen doctors and spending thousands of dollars, I’m done. I’m just scared that they’re gonna say, “Nope, your sinuses are perfect, move along to the next specialist.”

      • SoCalAtty

        Husband and I just went to see an ENT for this! My theory was that he had a deviated septum, was breeding the sinus infections, and passing them to me. Husband DOES have a deviated septum, and we have both been put on singular tablets and patanase nasal spray for 3 weeks to see if it is allergies causing our issues.

        If that doesn’t work, it is off to get CT scans of both of us to see what else can be done. It is awful, these chronic sinus issues, so we are right there with you! ENT swears that the surgery to fix it is no big deal. With me he is worried that although my sinuses are nice and straight, there could be polyps or something up there causing infection. Pray the singular fixes it! Keep us updated, us chronic sinus sufferers have to stick together!

    • Anon

      Many in my family (including myself) have this as well. My father had surgery on his (after being told it was medically necessary, etc.), and the surgery made it worse. Just an fyi that that can happen.

      I feel the same way – I dislike the stuffiness, tissues, randomly runny nose, etc. but any true fixes are too drastic for me. (Plus, I’m nervous it’d get worse.)

      • L from Oz

        Thanks for all the comments. Anon – that’s my biggest fear, that it’d get worse.

        Momentsofabsurdity, that made me laugh. However, I’m fairly sure that public insurance here isn’t going to throw in a nose job for free. (The irony is that my sister would love a new nose, but I’m the one who needs surgery!)

        Godzilla, good luck along the road to diagnosis. I know what you mean about almost wanting an operation. I’m so sick of having sinus headaches and not being able to breathe.
        I can’t even talk properly when everything clogs up, which makes work an absolute nightmare.

        SoCalAtty – indeed. Chronic Corporette sinus sufferers unite! We have nothing to lose but…the fear of leaving tissues in the washing?

    • punk rock tax lawyer

      I had similar issues (chronic sinus infections and all the resulting goodness) and had wonderful results with surgery. I feel so much better now. I wish I’d done it years ago. Also, my nose looks exactly the same as it did before.

      My recovery was pretty easy, but I know other folks whose recovery was far more horrendous than mine. A lot of it depends on your surgeon — I found a surgeon who uses much newer techniques (no splints or packing) that made the recovery a lot easier. I’m not sure how much flexibility you have with available surgeons, but if you have options, I would definitely research them as thoroughly as possible.

      • Godzilla

        Would you mind going into how long the surgery took and the recovery time? And other gross intimate issues you wouldn’t mind sharing on the internet? Is there bruising, scars, etc?

        • punk rock tax lawyer

          I had three things done during my surgery — septoplasty (repaired deviated septum), turbinectony (reduced the size of an enlarged turbinate) and balloon sinuplasty (basically like angioplasty for your nose).

          I don’t recall exactly how long the surgery took, but I’d say no more than an hour of actual surgery time. Full anesthesia, which was my first time for that. The worst part the extreme nausea and vomiting I had immediately following the surgery, which was from the anesthesia. Everyone in my family has the same very strong reaction to anesthesia, so that won’t happen to most people.

          As far as the recovery time goes — I had the surgery on a Thursday and was back at work feeling pretty okay (not 100%, but pretty okay) the following Wednesday. I could have gone to work sooner if I wanted to. Very little pain — I took Tylenol as a precaution but honestly, I don’t think I even really needed that. That said, I have a weirdly high pain tolerance when it comes to these kinds of things and prescription painkillers make me puke a whole lot (can you see a trend in my medical history?), so that might not be typical. I felt like crap the day of my surgery, and not so great the day after, but I was feeling good enough to go out for lunch and run some errands on Saturday. My nose felt like I was really congested for the first couple of days, but I felt like that most of the time anyway before surgery.

          Gross stuff — you’ll have to clean your nose out with saline spray pretty regularly for a couple of weeks afterwards. Some very interesting alien autopsy looking stuff will come out of your nose the first couple of days.

          I had no bruising or scars or any other notable physical changes (which actually made the head partner at my firm a little suspicious my first day back – hahahaha!!). For several months after the surgery, I could feel lines on my septum inside my nose where it had been cut, but even those healed up eventually.

          My experience isn’t typical of most people I know who’ve had this surgery (I put it off for years because I’d heard of lots of people getting surgery and it took weeks before they felt okay again, and it didn’t even help). I went to a truly stellar surgeon (Dr. Daniel Slaughter in Austin, TX). He used no splints or packing and some other pretty advanced techniques to minimize the recovery time. I talked to a lot of people and had consultations with multiple doctors before I picked him. The people I talked to who had gone to my doc all had really short recovery times like I did, while people I talked to who went to other doctors (who typically used splints or packing) had recovery times more like 10 days. Their doctors were cheaper than mine, but if you factor in the lost productivity, I think it’s worth paying more for less pain and greatly reduced recovery time. So it really pays to do your research, particularly if you’re in a profession where you can’t afford to be out of commission for any longer than you absolutely have to.

          • Godzilla

            Oh, thank you so much for sharing! This is great – vocabulary I can use to discuss options (if it ever comes up for me).

      • Hel-lo

        I also had sinus surgery. It was a summer in high school. I didn’t have a deviated septum, but I had something where one of my sinuses didn’t drain as it should.

        It was full anesthesia, so recovery was probably a week. Outpatient. I had a small bruise on my nose, but it went away. No one ever asked me or my parents about adding a nose job. Had to squirt saline up my nose twice a day for a few weeks. Not the most pleasant experience, but not terrible.

        And Oh.My.God I can breathe now!!!!! Absolutely worth it.

        And this was like over 10 years ago. These things have come a long way.

    • Sarah ATD

      I lived with chronic colds/sinus issues until I went to an ENT. I had surgery to fix a deviated septum and open up the entries to my sinues. This surgery changed my life! While I still have minor allergies, which are totally containable with OTC meds, the chronic sinus problems are gone. No more carrying around tissue in every pocket!

      My procedure was outpatient and I was off work for 3 weeks. I think I could have gone back after 2, but I worked in a chemical plant with irritants and my doc wanted to make sure I was totally healed. I have to say, the first week of recovery was a little rough but I got better pretty quickly after that. Definitely have someone there to take care of you the first couple days. But like others have said, I wished I did it sooner because I had great results. If you want more gory details, let me know. Good luck!

      • Godzilla

        Yes, more gory details, please. Did you also have to deal with alien autopsy remains?

        • Sarah ATD

          Ok, you asked for it! I had splints and tubes in my nose for about a week. You could see just a tiny bit of the tubes, so I didn’t really want to go outside. Otherwise, the tubes were pretty nice because I could clean my nose out with a q-tip and it didn’t hurt. Plus it held them open so I could breath pretty well. I definitely had some weird snot stuff for a bit; it didn’t hurt but looked gross. I was terrified to sneeze, and it did hurt but not too bad. I had a reaction to vicodin and spent most of one day vomiting, which when it came out my nose was pretty gross because I couldn’t blow it to get rid of the residual (plus I could smell it for a while!). I was pretty foggy and tired for about a week, even without major pain killers (which I was only on for a few days). I also didn’t feel up to taking a shower for about a week. I tried but the heat made me dizzy and I almost passed out. Basically, it’s a week of feeling like you have the flu, but all the ickyness is compacted into your face. However, the second week I was home was just fine, I was just tired. Really, though I would do it again in a heart beat.

    • Accountress

      I had a septoplasty, tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and a bilateral inferior turbinate reduction when I was 16. The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I went in for the surgery (outpatient), and after that I couldn’t eat solid foods for two weeks, couldn’t eat anything sharp for two weeks after that, had to use special nasal sprays once every two hours, couldn’t blow my nose for a month, and had to sleep with four pillows. I couldn’t leave the county for a month, had to go to my ENT every week for a month to get the gunk vacuumed out of my nose, and lost too much weight from the stress and lack of food. Would I do it again?

      Absolutely. I can breathe through both nostrils now, my sleep apnea is gone, and I haven’t had a single panic attack at the dentist office in 9 years. The outside of my nose looks exactly the same, and the inside finally works properly. It’s surgery, so it is drastic, as is the follow-up care, but it can be so so so worth it.

      TL;DR: had septoplasty+ 3 other surgeries, had a huge hassle for a month or so after, but rank it as a top 3 decision I’ve made.

  17. cfm

    Any recomendations for dentists in DC (nearish to metro)

    Also I think I spotted “the” magenta skirt on the redline this morning, and the woman wearing it looked fabulous it was a really great outfit! Mental props to you

    • j

      Got the posting too quickly error, so apologies if this posts twice.

      I like my dentist, Dr. Richard Gruntz, who is located in the Crystal City underground near the metro. He’s great and many friends and family members use him happily (well, as happy as possible for going to the dentist).

    • Em

      I like Dr. Naber near Dupont Circle. I hadn’t been to the dentist in a while and was really nervous – she was incredibly nice and gentle, and seems extremely competent.

    • Margaret

      Not in DC proper, so maybe not useful for you, but check out Drs. Joseph Khalil and Ray Cho at Arlington Smile Design (just off the Clarendon Metro stop). I am so happy with them. They have a practical, non-judgmental approach (“Oh, that’s fine that you don’t floss every day. Just be consistent. If you’re going to do it weekly, do it every Saturday so you don’t forget.”) And, they aren’t always trying to up-sell me to cosmetic services like my last dentist was. Also, super-friendly themselves and a great office staff.

    • r

      Watergate Dental in Foggy Bottom is great – I prefer Dr. Robins, she’s youngish, great to talk to, and a really great dentist.

    • DC Kolchitongi

      I’ve had good experiences at Cusumano & Stuver, near the Ballston metro. It’s a well-run office, everyone is friendly, and they don’t try to do any cosmetic up-sells.

      @ ADB_BWG Do you happen to know if Dr’s Oh and/or Lee speak Korean? My husband gets all his dental work done at his brother-in-law’s practice when he visits his family in Seoul and I don’t think he’s ever seen an American dentist. I’m dreading the day he has a dental emergency here in the States and all of his dental records/history are in Korean.

  18. anon

    Does anyone have experience with vitamin D deficiency? figured this might have come up for other office workers like myself…

    • anon

      Yes, I take a prescription supplement weekly. It’s just a small blue capsule, and they aren’t expensive. But they have a massive dose of Vit D, the over the counter supplements really don’t have enough to make a difference, if you’re deficient. Of course, a little sun each day will fix it up also (sans sunscreen), but I just don’t have the time, plus I don’t want the wrinkles. I also have a thyroid deficiency, so I get bloodwork done every 3 months with my endo, and he can adjust the Vit D dosage as needed.

    • Bluejay

      Yes, even though I was taking a multivitamin. My doctor suggested that I don’t wear as much sunscreen as I was wearing. I usually don’t put it on my legs if I’ll be outside for less than 30-40 minutes or if it’s partially cloudy, and if I’m going to be outside for less than 10 minutes I only put it on my face. I think you only need about 15 minutes of sunlight per day to get enough Vitamin D, and so this amount of exposure has been enough to remedy the deficiency.

    • Margaret

      My husband takes prescription supplements weekly, as well. The man works such long hours, and drives from garage to garage — he tells me he sometimes doesn’t go outdoors for days at a time.

    • PJ

      I was diagnosed as Vitamin D deficient about 2 years ago and put me on 2ooo IU per day. In addition to being in office all day, wearing sunscreen and makeup with SPF can also cause Vitamin D deficiency. You need to check with your doctor regarding how much to take for the deficiency and how long to take it.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Yes, and I have a condition where I can’t just absorb it from supplements. This was awhile ago when I was first working in a basement office w/ no sunlight. Doc told me that if I couldn’t get out in the sun during the work week, I should use the free tanning bed at my gym for five minutes twice a week. Five minutes wasn’t long enough to really do any damage or to really tan but it was long enough to give me the vitamin d burst. I had other issues at the same time from lack of sun and this fixed all of them. My gym also rarely changes the bulbs so it felt so much less dangerous than a regular tanning bed.

      I also think for the majority of people, we need to cut back on the sunscreen obsession. I make exceptions for those with a major skin cancer risk. But for everyone else, you really aren’t going to get that many more wrinkles from the five minutes of sunlight you encounter each day. Save the sunscreen for actual outdoor activities and get your vitamin d naturally!

    • anon

      thanks for all your replies! just got the test result and am meeting with my doc to discuss soon…was curious what fixing this would entail. doesnt sound like its too bad!

    • MissJackson

      My husband was recently diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency, and now takes a weekly vitamin D pill containing some hilariously high level of vitamin D. I think it’s relatively common among the long-hours-in-the-office crowd.

  19. SoCalAtty

    So I came into the office in a pretty good mood this morning, freshly cut flowers from my garden in a vase to make my office smell yummy (I have lavender, sage, thyme, and oregano and they are going crazy with long stems that are perfect for my vintage milk bottle vase!). Sat down, started working on today’s research/motions/pleadings, and finished one before the secretary got in so I put it on her chair to be filed. Mind you, when I give something to her to file, it is the motion with the exhibits behind it, already tabbed, ready to copy. I’m very low maintenance!

    Then I see her, with this supplemental notice that I had ready to go out, headed down the hall toward the partner’s office. She thinks there is something wrong with it, so instead of taking it to me, she took it to him! On her way back I stopped her, and said “is there a problem?” She said that a few weeks ago I got the wrong case number on some notice of ruling (wait…didn’t I ask her to check the header on that one because it wasn’t my case? Oh right, I did), so now she has taken it upon her secretarial self to take everything I send out to the partner first.

    Lucky me, the partners went into a closed door meeting this morning, so I firmly but calmly told the secretary “if there is a problem with MY work, please bring it to MY attention first before involving the partners. They are really busy and the whole point of having an associate is for them not to be bothered with things that I can fix. Also, it will almost always be a question I can answer.”

    I was already walking away when she had processed that and started yelling at my back. I just went into my office and closed the door. I’m not getting into any confrontations, but she really needs to stop her behavior. Like I’ve mentioned before, the partners know about the behavior so it isn’t going to give me a problem in the long run, but it is hugely irritating.

    As to the jacket for today – I love it and may try to find a cheaper version a la those posted above!

    • SoCalAtty

      Just wanted to add – all of this happened AFTER she told me that everytime I use the sink, I have to wipe it out or it dries with water spots. Now, I never leave my mugs and things in the sink for her to wash, that just isn’t my thing, but now I’m responsible for cleaning out the sink? No thanks.

    • Batgirl

      Is it possible the partner told her to bring everything by him/her before filing?

    • Anon

      Have you considered taking her out to lunch and figuring out the source of the obvious personality conflict between you? Most of this stuff is easy to resolve through direct confrontation and a frank discussion. You will never be BFFs, but you certainly don’t want this situation to become all your work life is about, right?

      • SoCalAtty

        Batgirl – nope – I knew it was happening because I heard, from down the hall, an “I don’t need to see this!”

        Anon – I’ve taken her out to lunch, multiple times. I give her rides home sometimes too. I’m super super nice, but sometimes she just does weird things. It may be a quirk I might have to just stop caring about…

        It isn’t so much a personality conflict, because at lunch and outside of work it’s fine. It is some weird superiority complex on her part. I think I may just put up with it until she gets the message (from the partners) to stop doing it.

        • HippieEsq

          That is very strange. I gotta hand it to you for being so gracious about it. That would drive me crazy.

        • mamabear

          Stop taking her to lunch and defintely do not give her rides home.

          Having a quasi-friendship hurting your authority with her. Keep it professional, be direct, and put everything you ask of her in writing.

    • Aulelia

      She sounds like a total nightmare! You handled her well – well done! Remaining calm is always an asset in situations like these.

    • Hel-lo

      She started yelling at your back? Wow. You were incredibly graceful. I’m not sure how I would handle that, but I doubt it would involve me walking away calmly.

  20. Nellie

    Tinted Moisturizer Showdown: Bobbi Brown vs. Laura Mercier. Which much-loved product should I buy and why?

    • S

      Neither! I’ve tried both and the NARS version is far superior. It looks dewy but still gives good coverage, applies smoothly, and lasts about 5 hours without touch-up or causing shininess on my combo skin.

    • DC Jenny

      I tried on both over the weekend, but ended up going with Smashbox BB Creme. It had the perfect level of coverage for me, plus SPF 35 and anti-aging ingredients. In the summer, I hate layering sunblock, moisturizer, and foundation, so I was looking for something that would cover all the bases. The coverage on Smashbox is heavier that the Neutrogena tinted moisturizer I have been using, but definitely not at the level of a liquid foundation.

      • HippieEsq

        Can someone tell me what the “BB” in BB Creme stands for? Sorry if this is a stupid question!

        • YC

          So, not very helpful, but I think it stands for something in Korean/or Chinese/or Japanese. I’m Korean-American & my friends were bringing BB cream back from Korea several years ago, the trend started in East Asia somewhere. Goes to show how ignorant I am. Haha.

        • DC Jenny

          I have seen it defined as both “blemish balm” and “beauty balm”.

          • Coalea

            Yes, can be either “blemish” or “beauty,” depending on manufacturer.

    • Kanye East

      Depends on your skin and your climate. Personally, I like Bobbi Brown’s tinted moisturizing balm for dry skin/dry climates and Laura Mercier for oily skin/humid climates.

    • mamabear

      Everyone loves the Laura Mercier TM, but Paula says that the sunscreen it contains does not protect against UVA (aging.) Therefore I took it off my list. Does anyone know whether they’ve changed the sunscreen in it?

      (the ‘illuminating’ version does have UVA protection, per Paula, but most of us don’t want a shiny face.)

      • mamabear

        I just checked Beautypedia and Paula still has the no-UVA ding on the Laura Mercier. Bobbi Brown TM is highly recommended with a complete UVA/UVB sunscreen. So I’d go with the Bobbi Brown based on that information alone.

  21. JessC

    Ladies – I need a recommendation for a graduation gift for my law clerk. It was not that long ago that I graduated law school, but I’m wondering if there’s any particular gifts that would be more appropriate for a supervising lawyer to a law clerk. She’s been a really great addition to our team and has produced some really kick-butt work. I know it’s not necessary and I’m not looking to spend much, just a token to show how much I’ve appreciated her work.

    • ELS

      Something small that would be useful in her practice? A card case, a nicer pen, or the like with a card telling her exactly that?

      Oh, and if she’s currently unemployed – offer to be a reference! That’s the best gift I ever got from a former employer.

      • TxAtty

        Second the business card holder. I recently got one from Kate Spade that I love, and it is reasonably priced at $20. To avoid a link getting stuck in moderation – it is the Kate Spade Silver Street “Let’s Do Lunch” card holder at Bloomingdale’s.

    • TCFKAG

      Another thing that’s been recommended on here a few times is The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and maybe another Style Guide. Ooh, and keep in touch and serve as a mentor (or invite her to a local bar event as your guest and help her network if she’s job hunting! That would be awesome!!)

  22. Jamie

    Long time lurker here: I wanted to share that Gilt has deal on Zipcar membership ; it includes $30 credit – all for $100.

    PS – I have learned a lot from all of you – this is my go to site to read everyday.

  23. lucy stone

    I’m doing a reading at a wedding in San Diego the second weekend in June. The wedding is on the beach on a Navy base. The bride says the beach is actually kind of cold that time of year but I’m from Wisconsin so I doubt it will feel cold to me. What should I wear?

    • anon

      I’m doing a reading at a wedding in San Diego the second weekend in June. The wedding is on the beach on a Navy base. The bride says the beach is actually kind of cold that time of year but I’m from Wisconsin so I doubt it will feel cold to me. What should I wear?

    • shamlet96

      i live in SD now (downtown, near the water and it is relatively cool most parts of the year, including June gloom. It will probably be low 60s-low 70s, depending on what time of the day. I’d wear a cocktail dress but bring a pashmina or some other sort of wrap to cover up and keep yourself warm.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I would get a shrug cardigan in case it is cold, and when you get there, if you’re warm, you can just leave it at your seat for the wedding.

    • SF Bay Associate

      Yes, June Gloom. It will be in the 60s or maybe low 70s, probably overcast, plus a not-mild ocean breeze. No, it’s not going to feel like a winter in Wisconsin, but you’re also not going to be wearing a parka to the ceremony. Wedge heels, dress, cardigan of wool, cashmere, or something else that’s warm, a cashmere wrap, and under the dress, either spanx (for warmth) or hose – I like micromesh nude fishnet for this purpose. At the reception, it will probably be warmer, so you can take off the hose/spanx, and ditch the cardigan.

    • Jennifer

      You’ll be able to be bare-legged but bring a pretty sweater that will match your dress. You may or may not need it; June weather in southern California is pretty unpredictable. Also: layer on the sunscreen—overcast + reflective water = invitation for major sunburn. Have fun!

  24. NoVAAtty

    I don’t feel like doing discovery. So instead, let’s make lists because it’s more fun! So a paralegal commented yesterday that I have quite an extensive “beauty emergency preparedness” kit at work. I thought mine was pretty run-of-the-mill. Granted I work in an agency with all male attorneys at least 15 years older than me, so this might be why she noticed.

    Here’s what I have in my at work kit – what do you guys keep? Anything you were so glad you had at the ready in your own?
    – Tampons
    – Lint Roller
    -Deoderant
    -Tide Pen
    -Hairbrush
    -Hairspray
    -Contact Solution
    -Nylons
    -Advil, allergy meds
    -Nail file
    -Hand Sanitizer
    -Hand Lotion
    -Little Wisp toothbrushes
    -Lysol wipes
    -Paper Towels
    -Paper Plates, utensils

    I really don’t think this is over the top…?

    • HippieEsq

      I have all that, minus the contact solution, lysol wipes and paper towels/plates. I add Visine and a little mascara tube and body spray.

    • Godzilla

      Pads, contact solution, disposable utensils, lotion, nail file, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, eyeliner and candy. And LOTS of medicine. And at least two pairs of flats/sneakers. I always meant to leave a set of clothes I didn’t care about here but that’s on the wish list.

    • kira kira

      Nail polish remover for when I can’t stand to look at my chipped nails any longer!! I like the individually packaged wipes because they don’t seem to smell as strong as the stuff from a bottle and are easy to use when I want to discreetly and quickly clean up my nails at my desk.

      • NoVAAtty

        I like it -could convince me to keep my nails neater as I’m the lazy kind that just paints another coat on top and hope it doesn’t look too thick/bubbly.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Sunscreen (!)
      A little tube of concealer in case of a monumental zit breakout.
      Hair smoothing gel if you’re prone to frizz

    • NOLA

      This is interesting! I never thought of most of this and haven’t missed it. I have tissues, hand lotion, and plastic utensils and napkins in my office. But I keep Aleve, a nail file, and a comb in my purse.

    • Hel-lo

      My food and utensils stash is in the office kitchen.

      In my office:

      Chapstick
      Purell
      Lotion
      Lint Roller
      Airborne
      Hair claws/clips
      Candy
      Eye drops
      Gum

    • MJ

      Old school readerw know that Kat idda post on this during her very early days! If I were better at Google-fu I’d link it….

  25. Eloise Spaghetti

    If I wear this and my secretary wears her big purple dress, we are going to look like Grimmace and the Hamburglar.

  26. HippieEsq

    Ask what the bridesmaids are wearing. That usually is very telling about how formal the bride wants the attire to be. If they are wearing flip flops and sundresses, that is very different from a JCrew bridesmaid’s dress!

  27. kira kira

    Love the lapels on this blazer!

    Ladies, if you were in the market for a Lo & Sons OG bag, would you go black or army green? I feel like black would be more versatile but wouldn’t mind having a *little* colour. Decisions decisions…

  28. SoCalAtty

    Banana Republic has a coupon that is good for 30% off sale items. Good online for about another 45 minutes – BRPOWER.

  29. lucy stone

    I think they’re wearing a sapphire blue dress from David’s Bridal and wedges. The dress code is dress blues for military members attending.

    • lucy stone

      This was supposed to go to HippieEsq above…sigh.

      Thanks for the advice, everyone.

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