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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Asymmetric Textured Silk Peplum Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This silk peplum blazer seems kind of crazy in a really great way — crazy cool.

It's the kind of thing to wear if you really want to stand out somewhere — throw on a pencil skirt with it, or dress it down with dark-rinse denim, or even wear it on top of a cocktail dress if you want an interesting topper for a wedding or something like that.

It's by a designer that's new to me: Ronald van der Kemp. Stock is low (because only eight of these exist!), but I think this is a great color and the blazer is too pretty to not post. It's $3,610 at Net-a-Porter. Asymmetric Textured Silk Peplum Blazer

A few lower-priced peplum blazers with interesting touches are from Rosie Assoulin, the Misha Collection, and in plus sizes, Eloquii.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Sales of note for 12.5

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308 Comments

  1. I’ve started dating a new guy. He is wonderful in so many ways: kind, considerate, plans thoughtful dates, expressive, has many interests and passions.

    The one thing that just isn’t there is witty banter and exciting conversation. I don’t know why, because he is smart and interesting, but for some reason I just don’t feel like our conversations go anywhere that exciting or interesting. I feel a tiny bit bored, even. We don’t run out of things to talk about, but sometimes I feel my mind wandering while we’re talking. I hate myself for feeling this way. I should note that he asks many questions and cares about my life, so it’s not that he isn’t a good conversationalist! It’s some inexplicable thing that’s either there or it’s not. FWIW, he has told me he loves our conversations, so this feeling is only on my end.

    In the past, I’ve been smitten with guys who I felt like I’d known in another life or wowed me with intellectual prowess and repartee. This is very different. I always thought I needed the sparkling conversation, but it also came with other things that I didn’t want in those other guys. So for various reasons those relationships never worked out.

    This is the one thing I thought I would never compromise on. I’ve asked friends about it, and responses vary from “just keep dating him! As long as you don’t actively dread the dates” to “you know yourself best, and if this is something you need and it’s not there, you owe it to yourself to break this off and find it.” Many have said that you have to consider what you can get from other aspects of your life (intellectually stimulating job or super smart friends) and what you can’t (companionship, s*x).

    I’m sure this community will have opinions and/or have experienced something similar. What do you think? What did you do? Feel free to talk some sense into me if my expectations are too high.

    1. I find that guy quality and repartee quality are inversely related. I’d propose immediately.

      3. Yeah, I mean, the OP knows herself best and if she can’t be happy without witty repartee, then she should listen to that instinct.

        I dated a ton of d*ckheads with whom I had witting, sparking conversations, and I’m marrying a kind, considerate, thoughtful man with his own interests and passions, who is not the best at witty banter. I have a bunch of super-intellectual, witty coworkers and friends–I do my conversational fencing with them instead. I’m happy with the tradeoff. YMMV.

      5. Wow. My initial reaction to OP was ‘of course you should break up with him if you can’t have quality communication’. Then I read this and boom! epiphany! This is a big paradigm shift and I’m looking at my last relationship in a different light.

    2. I’d give it more time. If everything else is really as good as you say, this might be a bit of anxiety manifesting. You may feel like you’re getting detached/wanting to pull away because otherwise this guy really COULD BE the one, etc.

      1. I feel like the guy I just started dating could feel this way. I’m good at witty banter, but I’m also get really nervous around him cause I really like him. So, I don’t think it comes out as much as it does with my friends and people I know better. If it has been a handful of dates, I would say to give it more time (if I was talking with a friend). If it’s been over a dozen, then I may feel differently and ask how important it is to you.

    3. You’ve barely started dating and you’re already bored! Move on! Just because someone is a nice guy doesn’t mean he is right for you.

    4. I think your expectations are too high. But to me, witty banter is the purview of movie scripts and it’s a real-life thing (mostly because I don’t think I’m wired for responding quick enough to be considered witty). As for exciting conversations – what does that mean to you? To me it sounds like something I would need to study for in order to have a deeply intellectual discussion of.. Proust, or the history of cancer, or something.

      Boring conversation, but steadfast kindness is going to be a better long-term relationship – as long as you can find value in the rest of it, and don’t resent the lack of something that is probably unsustainable long term.

      And who’s to say, with more run-time with New Guy, you may develop your own in-jokes and shared experiences to be able to add some of that spark that you’ve assigned to the witty banter?

      3. So, my husband is really a hoot now, and great at dinner parties, but when we first got together he didn’t have a lot of confidence. Is your guy a bit shy?

    5. How long have you been dating? You say he’s a new guy, so I assume it’s not very long yet. I would not keep dating someone who bored me within a few months. Don’t hate yourself–if you need that kind of banter for someone to keep your interest, then that’s totally legitimate. I don’t think that “doesn’t bore me” is setting one’s expectations too high, especially in the very beginning.

      As a criticism of society (not the OP), I hate the rhetoric that women who want basic qualities in a partner or relationship are setting their expectations too high. I get it if you have a checklist of 170 items that have nothing to do with compatibility when that’s really just a defense mechanism for not getting into a relationship. However “doesn’t bore me” is a solid expectation. Sometimes it seems like the subtext to the rhetoric is that we should be ok with any guy who shows interest. It’s ok to not like someone for any or no reason.

    6. Goodbye boy! How is this even something you’re considering?? You don’t enjoy talking to him and you’re thinking of staying in a relationship because he’s nice?? This is the very definition of settling.

    7. For me witty conversations are EVERYTHING. Lack of intelligent and/or funny conversation on the same wavelength makes the hottest guy dull. On the flip side, to me, if the convo is there, the most unattractive guy is do-able and want-able. YMMV but I’ve been this way since I noticed it while talking to a hot (dumb) jock when I was 15 or so. And I’ve been married to handsome quick-witted funny husband for coming up 15 years — we still bring up conversational highlights we have had together from years ago. I love him so much and it’s not all roses but it is always good, funny, conversation.

    8. I’m also curious how long you’ve been dating. If this is partly a “sense of humor” thing, he may not have fully relaxed yet? How are you having enough time to start feeling bored–is he kind of going on about things? Do you feel a lack of connection?

      Sparkling conversation was a must for me, and I married the guy who was endlessly fascinating. Fifteen years later, I wouldn’t say that characterizes our daily experience. We’ve talked a lot over the years! Sometimes you need to take a break to find more things to talk about. And part of what made him fascinating is that he’s himself very easily bored, so I’m probably the boring partner at this point. Now I find it more interesting to watch him talk to other people (or to have satisfying intellectual conversations of my own with other friends).

    9. I would not bail yet because I wonder if this will build, particularly if he’s smart. But I know exactly what you mean – I am super attracted to quick wittedness including people who sort of have a pulse/awareness on what is going on around them.

      This is kind of a sad story but my dad was super quick and funny. He was the kind of person that used everythign going on around him as material for witty observations in the moment or story telling later. One of the first things I noticed after he had transplant surgery was that quality about him was diminished. It was the first time in my life that my father was not a part of every nuance of conversation and communication. He was still very funny but just not as lightening fast and observant as he had once been.

        1. If you are truly bored with him, I think you should break it off. Six dates is enough time to get to know someone, and a time when I think it should be anything but boring. You deserve someone who isn’t boring to you, and he deserves someone who isn’t bored by him.

          My background is that I was married for over a decade to a man who was kind, considerate, etc., but not terribly interesting, and he still ended the marriage. I stayed despite the boredom because I thought he was a good partner otherwise and would always be there for me, etc. Then he wasn’t. I wish I had chosen to be happy and not bored for that time. So now, FOR ME, the ability to hold an interesting and intellectual conversation is not negotiable.

        2. I’d say wait a bit.
          Sometimes, repartee and witty banter require a level of comfort and understanding of each other’s sensitivities. I’ve noticed that nice, considerate men tend to tread carefully initially (even in non-romantic settings). The wittiest, nicest people i’ve met professionally have always started off being just nice, and as we’ve all gotten comfortable enough to know what the safe-zones are, have gotten wittier (safe zones include some math, economic policy. where i live, history is not a safe area to borrow references for humor, data privacy is surprisingly emotional for some) On the other hand, some of the people that came across as witty from the get-go have sometimes come across as self-absorbed or insensitive.

          1. +1 – some people just take a while longer to warm up. OP doesn’t sounds like she’s bored all the time. It’s something to watch to see if it gets better, but I think this is something you just need time to solve. If OP likes being around him otherwise, what’s the harm in giving it a few more months to see if something develops? That’s not settling. That’s not committing to a long term relationship. If everything else is great, then maybe the conversational banter is something for another part of her life.

      2. Yes, this is definitely an “in sickness and in health” contingency. I’ve seen many people lose this quality along with their health as they age.

        1. See I disagree, this is the phase where you talk yourself into an unsatisfying relationship and a few years down the road you struggle to end it because you’re in too deep. If he bores you now, your life will just get even more limited and dull. You can have a kind, nice and interesting partner, they exist.

    10. I love the range of answers you’re getting, because it shows how individual this quality is. Important to some people, not important to others.

      For me, really good conversation is a must. He needs to be interesting to talk to. I have to WANT to hear his perspectives and opinions. Witty banter is important, too. I like playing around verbally.

      However, I’m also alert to people who use sparkling conversation and witty banter as a way of getting through life without letting anyone get close or who use it as a way to duck having to CARE about a situation or deal with it honestly and vulnerably. So conversational sparkle can also be deceptive.

      1. + everything to your last paragraph. I don’t want to be bored by somebody, romantic partner or just a friend, but if it never gets any deeper than witticisms or sarcasm, I get tired just as fast. Especially in a romantic relationship if they use that quality to avoid ever being vulnerable.

      2. THIS 100%. Theres a big difference between someone you can have a great (and thoughtful!) conversation with and someone who is essentially fun to talk to at parties – the latter does not always make a great long-term partner.

        Most people are not like that 24/7 and it can be exhausting to be around someone who is “on” all the time. I recommend looking for balance. Good luck OP – dating is hard!

    11. I’m coming to realize that it’s not always healthy to have that feeling like you’ve always known someone. Someone here – maybe Senior Attorney? – said that feeling usually means the person reminds you of someone. So you will look to them to fill whatever was missing with that person – maybe it’s your absent father, or your ex who never loved you the way you needed, or your opposite sex BFF that you always thought what if. So if you’re had that kind of connection with people in the past, maybe there’s a good reason it didn’t work out.

      And now you’ve met a guy that you don’t have that instant connection with, and it feels like something’s lacking, even if you realize that that instant connection isn’t necessarily a good thing.

      It’s so hard. Tbh in your shoes I would probably plan a – ahem – gardening date and see how that goes. If you’re still bored at that point then move on.

      1. There has been a gardening date and that part was amazing.

        Needless to say, it’s now even harder to make a decision!

        1. You don’t have to decide anything right now! He’s not proposing marriage (I assume). If you enjoy his company, keep enjoying it. But you don’t have to put pressure on yourself to project into the future yet.

    12. THANK YOU for posting this, as I am in the same exact position! We are both late 30s, so I am not lightly going to break up with such a good person…but I sure wish spending time with my guy was more FUN. (Outside of the bedroom…that part is totally amazing and helpful to keeping an open mind on everything else, ha).

    13. If you want to stop dating him, stop dating him. It doesn’t matter what your reason is, it doesn’t matter if any of us think it’s a good reason. You get to have whatever dealbreakers you want!

      Wanting to break up is plenty of reason to break up, especially after six dates.

    14. Six dates in is so very early. At this stage, you should be asking yourself whether you are looking forward to the next date. If so, continue dating. If not, stop.

      1. Agreed. If it’s 6 dates in and you’re not looking forward to seeing him, then that’s a great sign he’s not for you.

    15. I LOVE banter and all my best friendships are characterized by witty exchanges. I think I’m hilarious, and I think my family is hilarious, and I think my best friends are hilarious, and I laugh a LOT. And yet, my husband is not a naturally funny or witty guy. He has a sense of humour and he’s smart and he loves to talk, but he’s certainly not one for making jokes or wry commentary. I have definitely been aware of that difference between us from the time we started dating, but I can’t say it *bothered* me, so I happily continued with our relationship. If the lack of banter is something that actively bothers you, YMMV.

      I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we have a fun and easy communication style even about tough stuff and laugh together a lot. With time he has come to know and understand my sense of humour so well that he will now often catch me by surprise by making a comment that is so funny I laugh until my face hurts. I think this is the kind of thing that will improve as you grow together, assuming everything else you need in a relationship is there.

  2. Help me find some oxfords/booties/flats that are:
    -flat (no heel)
    -can be worn with socks
    -comfortable for lots of standing/walking
    -cute

    1. Nisolo James Oxford! I have and wear all the time to work, with jeans, etc. I usually wear little no show socks but have worn trouser socks too in the iwnter. They look cute with both pants and dresses. They have a little heel (1/2 inch maybe? An inch?) but are very comfortable and mold to your feet.

      1. What kind of dresses do you wear oxfords and booties with? I have thick legs, and booties and oxfords visually break up my leg. I feel stumpy, especially in sheath dresses or pencil skirts. Should I get over it? Oxfords are my dream shoe, in terms of comfort.

    3. Try Clarks. Just got an email from dsw and there’s a lace up two tone oxford that some great!

    5. Banana Republic Demi loafers. I have suede ones that are the most comfortable work shoes I’ve ever owned. I bought them in patent leather and they were too stiff though.

  3. This blazer is crazy and I like it a lot!

    I am in Monaco at the James Bond conference and it is AWESOME. :)

    3. Oooh didn’t you have some big event while you were there!? Tell us about the dress you selected! I remember there being a big conversation about it on here.

    4. Is this the event that you needed a formal dress to wear? What did you decide?

  4. What ingredient on a menu can you not say no to? If it shows up listed on the menu you know you are ordering that dish.

    Mine is rhubarb.

    1. Truffles or fresh/homemade pasta. I know truffle is a cliche but I love it. I even love the fake stuff, that’s just the aroma. It’s my go-to if I see it on a menu.

      2. +1 agreed. I’m such a sucker for truffle oil.

        Also, but to a lesser extent, bone marrow.

    3. Not an ingredient, but I definitely have a risotto problem. I’d order a used flip-flop over easy if it came with a side of risotto.

      1. Same.

        Also, smoked cheese and scallops (if I’m at a $$$ place where I know they’ll be amazing).

    11. Crab or lobster… not as an entree, but as an ingredient. DH can always identify what I’m going to order if it involves crab or lobster, like lobster mac and cheese, or grilled fish with crabmeat on top, etc.

      1. Oh I’m right there with you, lobster will make me want it. Lobster rolls, lobster mac and cheese, any pasta dish with lobster really.

    15. Risotto

      Not an ingredient but the second I see a risotto on a menu I stop looking because I’m all set. Most recently it was a red wine risotto with leeks and duck breast – yum!

      I’m also a sucker for buratta cheese, and any dessert involving lemon and raspberry.

    17. Grits, heirloom tomatoes, and homemade buccatini or tagliatelle.
      I’m not huge on dessert, but if there is a citrus based one or a panacotta I’m in 1000%

    19. At a casual place, anything with the world “buffalo” (as in, the spicy sauce applied to chicken, not the hairy beast). Anything with lemon as a dominant flavor. Scallops.

      In the world of beer, if there’s a cannabis-y adjective describing the beer (resin, piney, dank…) I’m gonna order it.

    20. Fun question!

      Lemon, dill, sage, capers, homemade pasta or gnocchi, tomato jam, goat cheese… and now I’m hungry.

      For desserts, it’s any combo of chocolate + raspberry or peanut butter or hazelnut, or tiramisu.

    22. Capers, lentils, leeks, goat cheese, peas, avocados, lemon, tarragon, peanuts.

      Dessert: Lemon, rhubarb, hazelnut. frangipani. Most (uncooked) cheeses

    23. I’m getting the goat cheese salad, the lamb entree, and the lemon dessert. Heaven help me if there’s a gin cocktail.

    25. Heirloom tomatoes, Risotto or Polenta. And a cheese board for apps, happy hour or dessert.

      I’m on an intermittent fasting plan and nearing the opening of my eating window….actually everything in this thread sounds wonderful!

  5. I’m on the hunt for a machine-washable, lined, black pencil skirt, that comes in size 20 (or maybe 18). Preferably not too expensive, as it’s helping me transition back into my old clothes post-baby. I can’t find one anywhere!

    1. Miraculously, this is lined! https://www.loft.com/loft-plus-pencil-skirt/480243?skuId=25802405&defaultColor=2222&catid=cat3750042

      This is also lined, but definitely can read as a suit skirt…because it is one. You could theoretically machine wash on delicate in a mesh bag and hang to dry, but ymmv. https://www.talbots.com/online/plus-size/skirts/seasonless-wool-pencil-skirt-prdi46988/N-10434?conceptDim=4294966550&selectedConcept=Woman&akamai-feo=off&isConceptFirst=true

      1. +1 for Loft skirts. I bought a gray pencil skirt from them 2 years ago and I absolutely love it. Machine washable and great material.

      2. That Talbots skirt is one of my favorites. I have it in gray and navy and wear one or the other at least once per week.

        1. I have that Talbot’s skirt (in previous/hopefully future size) too and love it, but have only dry cleaned it. Have you ever machine washed/hung dry?

          1. You can’t machine-wash their seasonless wool stuff, but you can machine-wash their seasonless crepe!

  6. Because the major news outlets aren’t reporting on it yet… check Michael Avenatti’s twitter.

    3. They are talking about it on GMA and it was all over the news last night. Not cryptic and not hard to find.

    4. The cryptic comment about checking Michael Avenatti’s twitter had me confused, but this was a headline on the NYT this morning. I don’t know what news outlets you’re looking at, but this is definitely being reported.

      For those who do not with to google “Michael Avenatti twitter” (or other unlearned rubes like myself who do not memorize the names of every lawyer in the news) this is in reference to the new Kavanaugh accusations.

  7. Seeking advice please!

    About me: Single, mid-thirties, large city in the Midwest.
    After years of renting, am thinking about buying a house or condo. Looking at 3 bed, 2 bath places. Currently living downtown but want at least a small yard (for my dog) and more of a neighborhood feel. Not at all interested in doing yard work, so condos are a consideration, but I’m not sure that the HOA fees are worth it – I could just hire a lawn service. Here are my options:

    1. Older SFH or Condo in preferred neighborhoods (close to downtown). Will need to renovate to achieve look/layout I want – based on current inventory, that means new kitchen, bathrooms, and flooring. [homes selling for $X]

    2. New SFH or Condo in less desirable neighborhood – basically, further out suburbs. Totally turn-key. Price is around what I would expect to pay for homes in category 1, after renos are done. [selling for X +$50-$100k]

    3. New Condo in preferred neighborhoods. Totally turn key, great location, only sticking point is price. [selling for X +$100-150k]

    Commute time is not a factor. I can afford all 3 options, but option 3 is pretty pricey for the area, which is my biggest hesitation. I don’t want to buy high and then see property values drop in the next several years when I might want to move.

    What would you do?

    1. None of the above. As a single person I do not need three bedrooms! I’d buy a 2 bed condo in a great location.

      1. I had a 2-BR house and loved being able to have one door to the outside and not have to share walls. But they are like a unicorn. If you want a house, often it’s going to be a 3BR. I had had horrid neighbors that I shared walls with and would have wanted a purchase to be a house, even if tiny. Or at least a townhouse-style unit (pref. an end unit).

      2. Third bedroom is my office (reason why commute is not a factor).

        1. You work at home full time? Then I’d definitely go for #3. If this is where you’re going to be spending ALL your time, then the neighborhood you want and the surroundings you want are really, super important. Unless, of course, you love renovating and would relish the challenge of #1.

      3. I think three bedrooms is really reasonable: you get a bedroom, a home office, and guest bed. While I hate the suburbs I think #2.

      5. She said she wants 3 BR. Not sure why you’re taking issue with that. A single woman is under no obligation to take up as little space as possible.

          1. She. Asked. What. We. Would. Do. – between the three options 1, 2 and 3. Getting a two-bedroom was not an option.

    2. Option 3 as it’s basically the same as 1 in terms of cost after you finish renovations. I have a preference for single family homes though, so I’d probably focus there if that’s option 3 possible. Stick with a great location and it’s less risky. Also, I don’t buy that a single person doesn’t need 3 bedrooms, I loved having a guest room and an office when I was single, and not having to move when I got married.

    3. I think it depends on your tolerance for renovations and how important it is to you to live in an area you like.. In my area, single family homes will appreciate more than condos, so check out your area. I can understand not wanting to pay top dollar for a condo.
      Also, having a yard for the dog is great!

    4. You may be underestimating the cost of renovations if you think you’ll get new kitchen, baths, and flooring, plus a different layout, for significantly less than $100k. If that’s your plan, I would want to get bids from multiple contractors before buying – but that takes long enough that it might not be possible.

      I’ve bought two houses that needed significant renovations. In neither case did we save money; we did it because we have extremely specific location preferences and couldn’t find anything that didn’t need work. It was worth it to get the location, and I like having the renovations done to exactly my specifications, rather than paying for granite counters I don’t really want. But I would have happily paid the extra money up front for a house that had already had the work we wanted done.

      1. This. Take your highest estimate for renovations and then double both the dollars and the time. I have been through it and although I was happy with the outcome I spent a fortune.

        If you can get exactly what you want already done, then do that. So that’s #3.

    5. I did #1 a few years ago. The renovations were about what I thought they would be ($35k in my case), and I did them over the course of about 2.5 years, paying cash for all of it. Now I have a lower monthly payment than I would have had for the turnkey place, and the house I want. If you have the patience for this, I would do it this way.

      I would also recommend looking for places that are billed as 2 bedrooms with a flex room. You can use that as a study. You’ll get the same functionality out of the space, but a lower price point, because people really focus on number of bedrooms rather than number of rooms. My house is a 2×2 with a flex room I use as a workout room, but it could as easily be a study.

    6. Suburban condos age faster / are harder to resell than SFHs, in my experience. It feels like every 5 years a new condo community sprouts up and so it’s harder to unload yesterday’s news.

    7. Option 1.

      I am single, 30, own a 2BR 1BA condo in my preferred midwestern city neighborhood. We have 4 units in my building (which looks like 1 big, old house and is very aesthetically pleasing). I love not worrying about the lawn, snow removal, etc. Figure out what your association fees cover. Mine ($250/month) include insurance and a myriad of small repairs and mechanical tune ups, and stuff that adds up like garbage, water, common space electricity, lights, landscaping, dead tree removal, etc and leaves an account to draw on for other planned maintenance and emergencies. My personal utility bills are very low. I feel I would not be spending less on these items with a SFH. My place was move-in ready with an updated bath, and although the kitchen is old it’s perfectly functional, even kind of charmingly quaint. It’s on the list to re-do but the more I live with it, the less I hate it.

    8. Earlier this year I moved from a townhouse to a condo with the same square footage. I really miss the townhouse! Sharing a building is hard. I can hear every little thing my neighbors do (especially their two large dogs) and I know they hear us too. I didn’t have that issue in our circa 1915 townhouse because the brick between the units was much better at dampening sounds than the material the builders used when they gutted/renovated our old condo building. Keep that in mind when you choose. Personally, I would go with the SFH in #1.

    9. I would go with option 1 and look at option 3 in five years when the most expensive condos have a little age on them (the prices may very well drop on those if you are still interested). I am rarely satisfied with middle of the road (option 2) kind of choices.

      1. Also, I understand the need for three bedrooms. It allows a proper guest room plus an extra room for office, hobby, whatever.

    10. I’d do option 3 because you never know what renovations are really going to cost and because great neighborhood tops everything. I also think you should buy at the top of your price range because you don’t want to do this a bunch of times – buying and selling a home is really expensive.

    11. I’d do Option 1 if you can do it as a SFH. If you have a dog, then it makes perfect sense to have a yard. I don’t love yardwork because I feel like I never have time for it, but I do enjoy the occasional puttering around in the garden and it’s fun to have outdoor space. I also think there’s some advantage to doing the renovations yourself – at least in my area, we have a much better shot at getting what we really want through renovations than through buying new. Finally, I think preferred neighborhoods outweighs almost everything else.

      Good luck!

    12. Thanks everyone for weighing in! I am leaning toward option 1 b/c I don’t want to compromise on location. The idea of doing a reno is a little intimidating (and I’ll be sure to leave lots of room in my budget for exploding costs) but it would be awesome to end up with all the features and fixtures I really want. And while I’ve lucked out with respect to apartment neighbors, I would prefer to buy a place without shared walls. Appreciate all the food for thought!

  8. I am the poster from Friday/the weekend post who needed to vent about DH’s depression, caring for our special needs child and being exhausted. Thank you, truly, for all of your kind words and encouragement. I went back and reread each one multiple times this weekend.

    For those of you who have been there, how do you put the resentment at being the one who carries it all behind you? I know that he is not choosing this, but it is so difficult not to become resentful.

    1. Right now, you are in the midst of an active crisis, and it’s not yet time to worry about putting the resentment behind you. This may sound awful and YMMV, but I’ve found that acknowledging and accepting the resentment makes it somewhat easier to bear. Of course you feel resentful–anyone in your situation would. How could you feel otherwise, when the one person in the world who should have your back is right now completely incapable of thinking of anyone but himself? For me, it’s easier just to accept that I feel resentment than to punish myself with guilt over a completely reasonable emotion. The time to let go of resentment and move on is not now. The time in the future, after things have stabilized. And they will, sooner or later. For now the easiest thing is just to take it one day at a time.

      So many internet hugs.

      1. +1 million

        Definitely this. And you are already on the right path: you resent the situation. You know that he did not choose this and that you do not resent him as a person (or, for that matter, your special needs kiddo). But go ahead and resent the F out of that situation, because it’s awful. Do not feel any guilt about that. (Frankly, per the 10:40 post below, I’d say it’d also be reasonable to be resentful of a car crash or cancer, because those are also awful!)

        I know you mentioned that you have a lot of good self-care strategies in place, which is awesome. I’m also married to someone with intermittent depression that has lately been pretty bad, and I’m thinking of taking the plunge to therapy for myself specifically because of this question. I want to have space that is entirely my own to voice that resentment and that fatigue.

    2. Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. As a person with depression, I worry about ending up like your husband, so the solo life without children seems like the best choice. Did he think he would be capable of handling family obligations earlier in your relationship? Was he? To be clear, this is not to cast blame, but to ask what his patterns were prior to this rough patch.

      1. I don’t have kids but my husband has severe depression and a slew of health problems that more or less prevent him from working or doing much of anything really. It’s really, really hard not to get overwhelmed by resentment sometimes. All I can do is remember this is a sickness and think if my husband had cancer, or had been hit by a car, I would still stand by him and I need to do that for this too. I find it harder with “invisible” illness because no one knows the extent of the situation except me, but I have shared to some extent with people close to me so I can lean on them for support, and that’s helped. Also, therapy, even though I realize it can feel like a catch-all solution. Not a miracle, but it helps. Of course I can’t even begin to imagine dealing with a special needs child in addition to this so all I can say is you have my eternal respect and solidarity.

    3. I came late to the weekend so I am glad you came back.

      You are doing an amazing job, friend. As a lawyer with a child with significant ASD, I really feel for what you are carrying in that alone, not to mention your husband’s difficulties as well.

      I am not sure if you have tried this yet, but therapy helped me immensely. Just having one person to whom I could say anything and who would not judge me for it was just so freeing and cathartic. Just to cry and say that this was not the life I would have chosen without being told I was a horrible person and the world’s worst mother lightened the load a lot and I would highly recommend it if you have not yet tried it.

      When I am feeling resentful, I sometimes look at photos of happy moments to remind myself that the person I love is in there and they did not choose this pain either. I also carve out time for myself – respite care is a lifeline and you should not feel guilty at all about engaging as many people as you need to lighten your load, whether for an evening or a weekend away as needed.

      Also, prosecco. Lots of it. Because sometimes you just need to get college girl drunk and sing away the pain.

      You’re a warrior.

    4. Yeah, when my resentment gets to the boiling point all kinds of anger fueled arguments spring up. Recognizing that some of your actions around the home, and to him are because of your resentment and actual anger and disappointment and all that jazz, is very important. You are not angry or disappointing in him, but you are angry about and disappointing by the situation.

      Do what you can around the house and with the kids and together try and offload the rest. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can sort the garbage, clean the floors, and launder all the clothes. If the pocket book is tight, there are always high schoolers who will do almost anything for $10. My best friend in high school cleaned once a week for an older couple and loved it.

      This might be an oddball suggestion, but I do think it helped my SO, rather than focus on all of the stuff he could/should be doing, I encouraged him to get into a hobby he really loved, and lucky its a group hobby so he could hang out with people who like the same thing. It really helped him have something to think about besides the spiral of depression and anxiety filled despair. This has the added bonus of me having an evening entirely to myself when I can catch up on all of the me things ive been missing out on. :)

    5. Another vote for recognizing, naming and living with the resentment without guilt or shame. Resentment and frustration are normal reactions to this circumstance. It’s the actions you take that will either imrpove the situation (slowly, over the long run) or not. Another vote for therapy for you, mostly so you can vent and learn some personalized coping methods to someone who can support you as an individual.
      There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It will come. Trust in the sun rising again, and your life coming back into balance. My best friend’s depression turned around on a dime once she found the right meds. she still gets down, but it isn’t as low as before, and she can take actions to help her situation, whereas before it was a hopeless slog with no end in sight.
      Good luck – and keep updating!

  9. I know there are some people here who have Graves’ disease. I’m 8 months postpartum and was just diagnosed with Graves’ (unfortunately blood tests have confirmed that it’s Graves’ and not the less serious but more common postpartum thyroiditis that normally goes away on its own). How did you decide meds vs. radioactive iodine vs. surgery? My doctor is willing to start with meds but is pushing for RAI soon if the meds don’t immediately put me in remission, which he says is pretty rare. I’m really bummed about that, because the RAI will require me to wean my baby much sooner than I’d planned (I’d really hoped to nurse until age 2 or she lost interest, whichever came first) and also to spend a significant amount of time away from her after the treatment so as not to irradiate her. My doctor is very against surgery unless RAI fails but it’s appealing to me because there wouldn’t be any radioactivity around my family and would preserve my fertility for a potential second baby (my doctor kind of pooh poohed the idea that RAI could affect fertility, but I read some studies that suggest it does). I’m also a bit freaked about the increased cancer risk from the RAI and/or Graves in general, although I realize it’s small and there are many things you can do to control other risk factors. If you have Graves’ and would be willing to share, I’m curious how you treated it and how that’s gone for you and whether you’ve had subsequent health issues. Has it affected how you monitor other aspects of your health, e.g,. have you started mammograms at a younger age because of the increased breast cancer risk?Thanks!

    1. I think you need to talk to your doctor again or get a second opinion if you don’t trust your doctor and stop googling this. You only need to stay three feet from baby for 2-3 Days.

      1. My endo wasn’t sure because they almost never do this treatment with people who have a baby at home, but he thought a week apart minimum for an infant and I asked my daughter’s pediatrician and she said she would do 14 days to be safe. Children, especially babies, are much more susceptible to radiation than adults. I’m not taking medical advice from the internet but I’m curious to know what other peoples’ experiences were – just like I’d ask my real life friends, but I don’t have any with this disease.

          1. My endo said one week minimum and didn’t balk at the ped’s two week suggestion and said she would know better than him what the guidelines are for children (he was the one who told me to ask her in the first place). These are the only experts I have and I don’t know how to find others – it’s not like I can just look up “radiation expert” in the phone book…

        2. There are medical physicists, and I think that one of them might be the person who could answer your question. Can you ask your ped or your own doctor to get an opinion from one? I don’t think they see patients directly, but they are the experts on calculating radiology doses and stuff like that.

      2. I think you need a second opinion. That second opinion might be the exact same as the first, but the doctor might be better at addressing your concerns or explaining why this is better in the long run.

    2. Get a second opinion. A friend of mine got surgery instead of RAI for the same reason. Keep in mind the risks associated with surgery are much higher. Also, the information above is incorrect. You have to stay in a separate room for at least 5-7 days, not just 3 feet away. This is a very personal decision but your doctor is right that remission is rare so you will need a backup plan at any rate. You should be able to treat it with medicine for several months, though, but I have no idea if the medicine is safe to take while nursing. Your health is important so don’t postpone the right treatment plan because of breastfeeding.

      1. +1 to “Your health is important so don’t postpone the right treatment plan because of breastfeeding.”

        I share this bit understanding that this is my story, and has differences with what you are facing. I hope it is helpful regardless. I had to make the breastfeeding vs. personal health decision way too young. I had breast cancer when I was 24 that necessitated a mastectomy. It was up to me whether to make it bilateral. My oncologist wanted bilateral because the monitoring of the other side was going to be intense, scary, and ongoing. I struggled with whether to give up the option to breastfeed at some later date. I asked two women in my life for their take (among others): my mother and a good friend who had two young children. They are two VERY different people and both had the same answer, and that alone really stuck out to me. Their comment is a bit morbid for your scenario, but I find it instructive: “If there is no mom, there is no baby.” The bottom line is to prioritize your own (immediate!) health needs over the benefits that are associated with breastfeeding. Just because it’s a second choice, formula is not the devil. I’m sure you have a lot of hard decisions to make, but I would do your best to let go of the breastfeeding piece of it. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

        1. I know a lot of people whose moms died when they were relatively young. The pain lives forever. They would do a lot to have their mothers.

        2. I agree with all of this and don’t think formula is the devil at all. My daughter actually gets quite a bit of formula now because my milk supply has dropped as a result of the thyroid issue. I guess I was just hoping to hear stories from people who’d had a good experience with meds and were able to delay RAI for a little while without jeopardizing their own health (which I realize is totally anecdotal, but it would help me to hear these positive stories at this point) since the meds are compatible with breastfeeding and won’t affect my fertility long term. And I was also curious about pros and cons of surgery vs RAI as a longer term solution (I think either one would require me to wean, and may be necessary sooner if the meds don’t work). I would definitely never put off treating a serious illness just so I could breastfeed or have a second child. Believe me, my number one goal is being alive until my existing daughter is at least middle-aged, which is part of why I’m so freaked about this illness. And Graves is generally a lot less serious than cancer. I’m sure I would have done the same thing in your shoes and I’m glad you’re doing well now.

          1. This is the cancer survivor. I hope I didn’t offend. I can get a bit defensive about breastfeeding and probably put some presumptions on you that weren’t warranted. My apologies.

            It sounds like you are really doing your due diligence and trying to figure out what is best for you and your family in the short and long term. Hugs and keep it up–I am sure you are a wonderful mom.

            It may be a good bit of trouble, but I’ll second the suggestions to look for second opinions. I am very comfortable with the decisions I made 12 years ago but have been really surprised over the years with the variety of opinions I have gotten from different doctors when I move to different cities. I am back with my original oncologist but having seen several others has given me a healthy perspective on her treatment style that allows me to feel like I am making the best decision for me, versus simply doing what is suggested or recommended by a well-meaning doctor.

    3. I’ve had Graves’ disease since I was about 19 years old, did RAI my junior year of college. RAI was a no-brainer for me, it was just a week out of my life with zero pain and just staying in a place with my own kitchenette and bathroom, rather than the awful (read, incredibly awful) side effects I was suffering on medication for the nearly two years I was on it. Plus, because I was so young, if I remember correctly, you couldn’t have children on the medication (but maybe there are new medications now), and I wanted to have a family in the future.

      Even back when I was diagnosed, surgery was very very disfavored. It is an incredibly risky surgery, and difficult to get the balance right (i.e., you will still have to take medication every day, because its harder to take out the “right” amount of your thyroid). My husband had thyroid surgery because of a tumor (before we met), and … from what I’ve heard … it was bad. His surgery has permanently affected his vocal chords; he has quite a noticeable scar. Plus you would have 1-2 weeks of downtime with surgery; which is shorter than you would with RAI. Also, I’ve heard that with the surgery it can really affect your calcium levels due to the parathyroid gland being so close — and osteoporosis runs in my family already.

      I am not in remission decades later even with RAI, I was just checked a couple of months ago and I still have antibodies. Going into remission isn’t something you can count on regardless of method of treatment – the remission is through your immune system, the treatments are getting rid of the thing that your immune system is attacking.

    4. I’ve had Graves’ disease since I was about 19 years old, did RAI my junior year of college. RAI was a no-brainer for me, it was just a week out of my life with zero pain and just staying in a place with my own kitchenette and bathroom, rather than the awful (read, incredibly awful) side effects I was suffering on medication for the nearly two years I was on it. Plus, because I was so young, if I remember correctly, you couldn’t have children on the medication (but maybe there are new medications now), and I wanted to have a family in the future.

      Even back when I was diagnosed, surgery was very very disfavored. It is an incredibly risky surgery, and difficult to get the balance right (i.e., you will still have to take medication every day, because its harder to take out the “right” amount of your thyroid). My husband had thyroid surgery because of a tumor (before we met), and … from what I’ve heard … it was bad. His surgery has permanently affected his vocal chords; he has quite a noticeable scar. Plus you would have 1-2 weeks of downtime with surgery; which is shorter than you would with RAI. Also, I’ve heard that with the surgery it can really affect your calcium levels due to the parathyroid gland being so close — and osteoporosis runs in my family already.

      I am not in remission decades later even with RAI, I was just checked a couple of months ago and I still have antibodies. Going into remission isn’t something you can count on regardless of method of treatment – the remission is through your immune system, the treatments are getting rid of the thing that your immune system is attacking.

    5. If I were in your shoes, I would start the meds but get a second opinion. Preferably with an endo who deals with reproductive endocrinology, and preferably female. Maybe she’ll take your fertility concerns a little more seriously/provide more detailed information on the risks. There are enough unique things about your situation to warrant another opinion.

    6. I don’t have Graves disease, but I weaned earlier than I wanted (at 4 months rather than 1 year) and was away from my child for 3 weeks at 6 months because of my work schedule. Lots of moms do the things you’re talking about for much less pressing reasons than your serious medical issue. That perspective may help make your decision easier.

    7. I have been on meds for Graves disease, on and off, for about 6 years. It is not so bad… I would certainly urge you to get a second opinion before considering any permanent solutions. Here, in the UK, doctors tend to at least try meds first to see if they fail to control it.

    8. I have Graves and am in remission. I took the methimizole for about a year and a half and then came off and my numbers stayed fine. The moment I got on the methimizole though I did gain 10 lbs asap and it stayed (until about now, 7 years later when I’ve been VERY careful about eating. But I’m older, 49 now. My plan is to keep my thyroid as long as I can. Why not try the methimizole and put off deciding on RAI until you see if you go into remission or not? I also got a alot calmer about the whole thing after some time. One, you get used to having a disease/condition and see that it’s not that bad. Two, one of the symptoms is stress/anxiety and I think mine did get calmer on the pills.

    9. Hi there,
      I’m the poster who posted a few weeks ago about a total thyroidectomy (surgery) option. I’ve had Graves for over a decade. In your shoes I would get a second diagnosis – some endocrinologists are much more willing to work with the patient to calm their immune response and/or work with the patient to get their thyroid into remission. Other endocrinologists are quick to go the ‘nuclear’ route – that is destroy the thyroid through RAI or surgery. Since you’ve just been diagnosed I would seek another opinion as to your options (e.g. can you stay on the methimazole/tapazole/PTU and perhaps cut breast feeding if the medicines affect your milk, try an elimination or autoimmune protocol diet to calm your inflammation, etc). With respect to the fertility aspect my endo (who actually was recommended to me by this board) has said that it is much easier to control a pregnancy with an underactive/hypothyroid or no thyroid v. a Graves pregnancy. Also, the methimazole/tapazole can cause birth defects (I believe the incidence is fairly low – 3 or 4 percent – but still a factor to consider).
      In my case I developed the Graves-related eye disease (where the thyroid antibodies attack the tissue and muscle around the eye) so I was not a candidate for RAI because, in some patients, the RAI can make the eyes worse. After trying (for over a decade!!) to get my thyroid into remission I am getting a total thyroidectomy. Not ideal, but for me it’s panned out to be the last option since my thyroid isn’t going into remission on its own. You’ve been newly diagnosed, so I would seek a second opinion (possibly in conjunction with a reproductive endo) to see what your best options are. Good luck and take care!

  10. Things that are extremely alarming:

    1) There is a second credible sexual assault allegation against Brett Kavanaugh.
    2) When the Senate GOP found out about this allegation, they tried to rush the confirmation hearing even faster instead of investigating.
    3) People seem to accept that these allegations may be true don’t even care. Of course, the same people who seem eager to pardon rapists with “mistakes you make as a teenage boy shouldn’t affect you for life” don’t extend the same courtesy to the female victims of said rapists if they end up pregnant and in need of an abortion.

    Vote in the midterms. Call your senators and representatives.

    1. I tuned out once I read an article from the senator (!!!) from Hawaii who basically said that he was guilty basically b/c he was a man.

      It’s like the people who really wanted the Rolling Stone / UVA story to be true, after really wanting the Duke Lacrosse story to be true are coming out of the woodwork hoping that the third time with this narrative is the charm.

      I hate politics so much.

      I don’t know what did or didn’t happen, but the whole process should make poilticians not surprised when we voters stay home and stay the hell away from the next couple of election cycles.

      You want to see a public servant doing good and not out gunning for themselves / their preferred narrative (I’d like Dianne Feinstein a bit more if she hadn’t sat on this all summer — where the hell is she now? Does she not get that this feeds our distrust of the system?)? Go see an EMT in action. None of this nonsense.

      1. Feinstein could not come forward because Ford requested anonymity and only later consented to reveal her identity (it’s almost like she wasn’t seeking fame, you know?) You need to be intellectually honest if you want to participate in this discussion.

        1. I don’t think you can credibly request anonymity with something like this. It was foolish to let someone even entertain this. You make an allegation like this and, as Omar from The Wire said, you come at the king, you best not miss. You can’t just drop a bombshell and expect no one to come knocking. People care about getting to the truth. How do you get to the truth without a name, questioning, and putting a story to some manner of proof (and after 30 years, it’s not like you’re likely to find any either way and instead your reputation for truthfulness, etc. will be the only thing that people have to go by).

          1. Um, since her identity became public, she has gotten death threats and has had to move her family out of their home. Of COURSE she was leery of being publicly identified.

            Do you also oppose the Witness Protection Program for people testifying against organized crime?

          2. She did – she provided all of the salient details in a letter to her representative. That could have been enough.

          3. Providing one side of the story is never going to be enough, even for something small-stakes. This isn’t small stakes.

            I don’t know why this would even seriously be entertained.

      2. Ha, nice try. Everyone I know is getting out and voting and I can’t wait to see what happens.

      3. Have you even bothered to inform yourself about why Feinstein “sat on this all summer”?

        No one (including Senator Hirono, who has a name) is saying he is guilty because he’s a man. People are saying that this woman’s allegations are plausible and should be investigated fully. People are also saying that it’s ridiculous in this day and age that a panel of old, white men still presume to be the judge and jury on matters of sexual assault against women.

      4. So because there are two (two!) high-profile examples of a false claim of sexual assault, you think these two women who have (at great cost to themselves and their families) come forward are lying? How many women have to be assaulted for it to be plausible to you that these women were in fact assaulted?

        You are the worst kind of person.

        1. Tawana Brawley.

          People are acting like women never lie and that men always lie. It is completely intellectually dishonest.

          People lie. All the time.

          2. People lie all the time. But how often do people lie about sexual assault? Do you have evidence that it’s a common occurrence?

          3. What’s the incentive to lie? To be publicly shamed and doubted, to put your career in jeopardy, to open your life and family to death threats? Seriously, why would women lie? What’s in it for them that they couldn’t get through some easier way?

          4. But b/c some men rape, that does not mean all men rape. And even if a man is a rapist generally does not mean that he is a rapist in any specific instance.

            I don’t feel bad about what happened to Harvey Weinstein — it seems he had it coming. But eventually, someone not assaulted by him will try to get $ from him. [Meanwhile, actual victims won’t come forward b/c that is awful.]

          5. I am shocked that the Rev. Al didn’t make himself untouchable. He perpetrated a horrible lie about rape and used Tawana Brawley as a pawn for his own gain. Lives of innocent people were ruined.

        1. Or the series of daycare satanic abuse claims.

          Hysteria is just a beast the shows up from time to time. Let’s not feed it further.

      6. Maybe you should have read Senator Hirono’s remarks more carefully. What she said is what a lot of us have said, which is that she found Dr. Ford credible. There is also research that confirms there are not many false allegations of this kind. Google it.

        As for details, I remember the name and face of the first guy who assaulted me, and I remember telling the counselor about it and having her tell me there was nothing she could do because no one else saw it. A lot of the rest of that year is a blur.

    2. Why do you think the accusations are “credible”? They have no substantiation. No one remembers these parties. She cannot give an address, a host, a timeframe, or an explanation of why she was there. Her best friend says that the party never happened.

      I can tell you the date, approximate time, location, host, layout, address, and attendees of a party wherein I was sexually assaulted. I can tell you why I was there. I can give you names of people whom I told about it immediately after it happened.

      The accusation is not ” credible” because he’s a white Catholic Republican and she plays for your team. That’s not how this works.

      (I encourage you all to read what black men are saying about this. Short version: the belief that her accusation is “credible” because white women don’t lie about rape terrifies them.)

      1. First of all, what possible motive could she have for lying about this? She has no history of making things up. No known mental illnesses that would account for such a lie. No history of bad blood between her and the judge or anyone close to him.

        Second, this happened over 30 years ago. Why on earth would she remember the address or explanation of why she was there (beyond the fact that she was in high school and attended a classmate’s party)? And why would other people who were not assaulted that night necessarily remember that exact party?

        I think it’s incredibly disheartening to hear you try to make this into a racial issue by pitting one oppressed minority against another.

      2. That’s interesting that you believe black men on this. How do you feel about what they are saying about the police?

      3. Trauma affects people’s memories in different ways. I don’t remember the name or specific address of the hotel I was r a p e d in, nor the location of the apartment I was sexually assaulted in, or even the specific month of the assault in HS. I can assure you they all happened. My memory is excellent for specifics of the assaults themselves, but not the location details, which by the way, is common in people who experience trauma.

      4. I was sexually assaulted in my freshman year of college. I don’t remember the date. I am pretty sure it was in the fall. I was in a car. The boy was named Carl. I do remember that I thought he was my friend, not my date. Because I’d never been on a real date yet. I don’t remember his last name. I don’t remember whose car it was other than it wasn’t Carl’s.

        I remember how frightened I was. I remember how it made me feel about myself, which was awful. I remember how it affected all my early relationships. I remember to this day how claustrophobic it felt to be held against my will, and I’m still scared of being held in any way. I remember the nightmares I still have of being in a car and feeling like I can’t breathe.

        Is that good enough for you? Am I credible?

        If I found out Carl was in line for a very high office I would certainly be scared to come out, but I think I would thanks to Dr. Ford, despite what is happening to her now. Because I think she is doing the right, hardest thing. I may not rememeber Carl’s last name, but I’d recognize his awful face anywhere, and I will until my dying day.

      5. “I can tell you the date, approximate time, location, host, layout, address, and attendees of a party wherein I was sexually assaulted. I can tell you why I was there. I can give you names of people whom I told about it immediately after it happened.”

        Mmmmk and I *cannot* tell you the address, neighborhood (beyond general part of town), apartment complex, lay out, exact date, name of cab company that took us there, each person out with us that night, when I was assaulted. Does that mean it didn’t happen or that I’m lying to you? This stupid game about who can remember what about the circumstances of their assault tells us nothing. Honestly don’t understand why your simple mind thinks that you’re the authority on what she should or should not remember.

        As for other people to “substantiate” the party… do you remember the location, address, host, date of every party you went to in high school? I sure don’t, and it certainly wasn’t 36 years ago.

      6. Your experience is not everyone’s experience. Just because you remember those details doesn’t make it necessary that others who experienced a similar situation remember the same details. We are different people with different emotions and memory traits.

      7. I had an experience similar to Dr. Ford’s a little over 15 years ago. I was a sophomore in college, and it had to have been during the first semester. I had been drinking, and my memory is certainly impaired by alcohol. I don’t remember what month it was, exactly, or even what the weather was (although where I went to college, it’s possible to have cold weather in October and almost-warm weather in December). I know I was at a house off campus, less than a mile north-west of campus, but I couldn’t tell you the address or point to the house–all the houses in that neighborhood looked the same on a good day. I remember that I went to the house to smoke some pot, and that I thought more people would be there. I remember the first name of my attacker, although it’s a unique name, and until a few days ago, I always thought it was his last name. There was a witness, another guy who stopped the assault, and he was in my history class the next year, but I don’t remember his name. I have no idea what I was wearing, or what anyone was wearing. Immediately after it happened, I went to a friend’s apartment, but I honestly can’t remember if I told that friend what happened. I told my now-husband at some point after we started dating, but I don’t know when.

        I didn’t report it at the time because (a) the person who assaulted me was a varsity football player, so I didn’t think it would do anything, (b) the assault was stopped before any private parts were exposed, so I didn’t think anything worth reporting had happened, and (c) I had a lot of consensual s*x with different partners at that point in my life, so I didn’t think anyone would believe me. Actually, I can’t imagine reporting it now, even after the me-too movement and the supposed societal changes.

        I was thinking the other day that I would think it relevant if this person were nominated for the Supreme Court, although I’m not sure what I’d do. I looked him up, and he died earlier this year, probably of an overdose based on some vague language in the obituary.

    3. It really really bothers me that the senate knew about the second allegation and their response was to rush the hearing before it came out, rather that saying hmm, maybe there’s something here – let’s slow down.

    5. I think that this mess is what everyone in politics wants:
      — Kavanaugh can never clear his name. Ever. He will probably get confirmed and always have a * next to his reputation. No FBI investigation will ever satisfy either side (30+ years old stuff? state criminal statutes, which they aren’t really equipped for compared to regular, um, police).
      — the women will be held up as martyrs or crazy people or both. And for what? Assuming that they are victims, now they are victims and pawns.

      My prediction: if Kavanaugh withdraws / isn’t confirmed, the next nominee will be a woman b/c she will be untouchable; her politics or something about her will rankle the world a million times worse.

      1. I’m not sure anything can rankle me worse than a nominee who thinks the president is above the law and that birth control is abortion medication. Not it mention, an alleged attempted rapist.

  11. I applied for a job with county government and got a request for a “one-way video interview.” I’m supposed to record myself answering five lengthy behavioral questions (“tell me about a time when…”) and send them in. Is it just me or is this really disrespectful of candidates’ time and energy? In my opinion, interviews are a two-way street and there’s just no way to have a natural flowing conversation when it’s all robotic answers with no follow-up questions. Tempted to blow it off but the job would be good otherwise. Is this really a thing now?

    1. This is really a thing now, sadly. I’m with you on all of it, but employers–especially staff and time strapped organizations–are testing this out, usually as/in place of a screening interview.

      I have concerns with it from an eeoc perspective if it is replacing a phone screen.

      1. So do I. I think this could easily be used to discriminate, either explicitly or implicitly, against people of color, fat people, and less conventionally attractive people.

        1. It also could have the effect of discriminating against older applicants, who are less likely to have video editing skills. That seems like less of an issue where video recording and editing are skills required for the job. But, for every other job, people with more experience with video editing (presumably, younger people) could have a leg up.

          I’m in my mid-30s, and, aside from the substance of my answers, I would find recording and creating a video of myself answering a bunch of questions very challenging. I’d probably opt out.

    2. I work at a state university, and our phone interviews are technically two-way, but in practice, we might as well make them one way. We’re required to ask the same questions to every candidate and there’s no actual back and forth, they just give their answers and then we move on to the next question. I’m not a big fan.

    3. My brother recently had a job interview like this. They asked for a “five minute video essay” and gave him no other guidance. At least this one gave you actual questions?

      I would hate this but it does seem to be a thing.

    4. I’ve had to this with a large company, and…it was awkward, because it’s not a dialogue. But as Pompom said, it’s used as part of or as the screening process.

  12. I’m thinking of replacing my L&S Seville with the Cuyana zip tote + insert, but have a few questions for those of you that own one:

    Does it fold mostly flat so I can pack it empty into a suitcase for travel (even with the insert) and if so, does the leather recover okay after being pressed in there for a few hours? I’ve been using my super old Brookline for this, but would like an upgrade.

    Any issues with it not having purse feet on the bottom?

    How sturdy are the handles? One of my biggest disappointments with the Seville is that the sides of the handles started peeling almost immediately.

    1. The bag folds flat for suitcase travel, and recovers nicely. The insert folds down, but not quite as flat – if you’re a suitcase over-stuffer, this might change your packing capacity. The insert adds significant weight to the bag, but it fits inside perfectly and I have really appreciated the added structure.
      I haven’t had issues with the lack of feet- but I try not to put the bag down in really gross places like airport bathrooms. The handles have stretched a little after 2+ years of heavy use, but haven’t peeled at all.
      Mine is the basic-b medium brown color but my mom has the deep burgundy color and I’m envious- it’s GORGEOUS.

      1. Thank you so much for the feedback! And also, I have been eyeing that burgundy color and your note pretty much just swayed me to it! :)

    2. I have the structured tote sans insert and i can answer about the handles. Zero issues and they’re surprisingly strong. I saw all the complaints on here about the handbag handles and about how the company fixed them for free, and I though, hmm, I’d just rather not have the handles start cracking/peeling or whatever was happening. The Cuyana is basically raw leather so there is nothing to crack or peel.

    2. I’d go with a leather jacket. In my area, denim is never wedding-appropriate and all black is normal/chic.

  14. I’m well aware that this is a first world problem of the first degree- I’m not an intern with a birkin, but rather in my early 30’s in a MCOL city, lucky to have received/purchased/inherited a few noticeable designer items- an hermes scarf, a goyard tote, etc.
    How do you decide when it’s appropriate to wear such blatantly expensive items? Most of my peers, friends, and relatives (myself included, most of the time) are in the Kate Spade, Coach, Michael Kors stage – a few of my fancier items are noticeable and recognizable. I feel awkward when someone says “nice bag” with an eye waggle at me – I think it’s my own insecurity that makes it awkward, and they might be benignly signaling appreciation. On the other hand, I know a few people who would say something and the eye waggle might also mean “how/why on earth would you spend that much on a bag?!”
    Have any of you worked through this? How do you deal?

    1. You get over yourself. Wear your nice things. If someone compliments them say “thank you” and move on. No one really cares.

      1. +1

        You are 100% inventing problems. Seriously, most people aren’t going to notice or care.

    3. I am not a recognizer of labels and I don’t know how much a goyard tote costs. If I said nice bag, I’d be talking about the color and shape.

      I would not assume people notice or care how much your things costs. And if they do, why do you care that they care?

    4. Stop caring what others think of your purse. You carry it when you want with no justification. There are some considerations to not be insensitive with what you carry (i.e. don’t carry a tote to a non-profit conference that costs as much as what most people attending make in a year), but in everyday life, appreciate your items. They are meant to be used.

    5. Anyone who actually recognizes these items and knows how much they cost is probably not going to judge you, unless it’s out of envy. If you feel that guilty about using these things, then they don’t suit your personality and you should sell them or give them away.

    6. Few people may actually know what these things cost. And if they do, you can always say, “it’s my inheritance” and wink. In my 20’s I worried about getting a nicer car as a professional working in a factory setting with many hourly workers. It turns out they all felt sorry for me bc my husband and I lived in a townhouse and did not have a big screen television. The things we worry about! :)

    7. I am trying to figure out how to waggle my eyes, and also had to google Goyard totes because I wouldn’t recognize them in the wild. If you like the bag keep carrying it and screw ‘me, but please explain to me in detail how to waggle my eyes, because that sounds like a cool trick to have up my sleeve.

      Ps the answer to “nice bag” with or without a waggle is “thanks”

    8. no one knows or cares. if it’s a MCOL city like mine they won’t recognize it if it isn’t at kohl’s, target, or costco.

    9. Meh, the wealthy people I know spend their money on real estate, not purses. Designer purses read very middle class to me. So, carrying designer items might have the opposite effect from what you’re concerned about.

    10. I can understand why that would make you uncomfortable. Depending on who the commenter is, I’d have a few canned answers ready. Accept the compliment and, if you feel compelled, mention that it was a gift. “Thanks so much, I love it too.” “Thanks so much, a dear friend passed it along to me.” I wouldn’t fret too much. Use them when they are otherwise appropriate for the situation/match your outfit. Use caution when interviewing or meeting new clients–as you no doubt would be with your entire outfit selection. First impressions carry higher risks during those interactions.

    11. No one is going to care about a Goyard tote. And if someone compliments your Hermes scarf, say “thanks” and move on.

    12. Gee golly can’t wait to get out of the Kate Spade stage of my life. Such a pleb. Most people do not correlate purses with life “stages,” whether that stage be age, class, wealth, career status, success…so don’t worry, most people probably won’t be looking at your purse at attributing to you whatever characteristic you think it conveys…

  15. This jacket is absolutely beautiful. Where would I wear it?

    Grocery store?
    Wedding?
    Super important meeting?
    Charity luncheon?
    Taking my dog to tea at the Plaza?

    Probably none of these, but I will gladly admire it on my screen. Such a lovely fantasy life piece! If you are a person who does/could own or wear this in real life, please tell me where you wear it.

    1. I’m wearing it with a white pencil skirt in some kind of satiny material to my job at a law firm in a soap opera.

    2. I’d wear it to:
      a dinner/theater or dinner/music date with my husband,
      a women’s dinner with clients next month,
      Baptism/fancy shower/other even like this
      certain political fundraising events this fall

      I agree that this would probably look amazing with jeans or a skirt. I love it. But it’s very expensive and I’m pregnant, so it’s not going to happen.

  16. I’m just in a funk today. Hosted a barbecue yesterday for my birthday and literally every single friend who told me they would come either texted me at the last minute to cancel or just plain didn’t show up. Plenty of family came and I had an okay time but I am feeling down about my friends. Not to mention purchasing and cooking food and getting the house ready for a party and having about 1/3 of the guests no-show.

    Two friends texted me today to say they were sorry they couldn’t make it but without any particular reason for not coming. I’m kind of struggling to respond because I don’t want to hold onto this grudge forever but frankly, they did hurt my feelings and I’m not okay with just saying, “It’s fine” because it isn’t.

    I know others have complained about friendship flakiness around here. How do you deal with these people going forward? Stop inviting them/ only do things one on one or in couples so there’s less chance they bail?

    1. I would say “yeah, I was really disappointed when you didn’t show up yesterday. I was looking forward to seeing you and I was sad to find out that you joined the 1/3 of guests who bailed at the last second.” Then I would stop making plans with those friends regularly.

      I’m sorry that you experienced this. It’s really unbelievable how rude people have become about this kind of thing in the age of cell phones where you can quickly text that you were late or you don’t feel like leaving your couch and it somehow considered acceptable.

      1. Okay, I get the motivation, but the answer to “my friends don’t hang out with me” is not “never make plans with friends again” because then you’re definitely going to be alone.

    2. “I’m sorry you couldn’t come too! Must have been something about Sunday… a lot of people ended up not able to come last minute. Lots of leftovers for me!”

      But then again I’m petty ;-) There’s only a 15% chance I would actually say that, because person A is not responsible for person X not showing, but demonstrating the cumulative effect of people flaking may be helpful to both A and X.

        1. That is not at all petty. It’s so nice that it completely lets the rude person off the hook.

          1. I think you are right (and that was me!), both of you. I guess I just naturally hesitate to call people out on this more forcefully, in the spirit of getting over it faster. Which is not necessarily the best thing, I grant you.

            Would “I’m also sorry you couldn’t make it. I had planned on you being there. Several other guests also no-showed, so it was a disappointing way to celebrate my birthday, honestly.” work?

          2. +1. With a side of passive-aggressive.

            Use your words. You’re disappointed. Just say that.

          3. I’d be more specific. “I’m disappointed that you didn’t come. I actually didn’t have any friends attend–most RSVP’d yes but then canceled.” I think when people realize that they’re part of a cumulative harm, they may take it more seriously. And frankly, they should feel bad, because this hurts.

            Carolyn Hax has given similar advice for people who are hounded about being single at weddings. “You know, you’re the 12th person to ask me that today. I almost didn’t come because it’s so overwhelming.” Too bad they’re uncomfortable–they probably won’t do it again.

      2. I’d leave off the bit about lots of leftovers for me – I feel like that’s where it cross into maybe too nice. But I really like your language because it points out that you’re disappointed and that many people cancelled … I just like the tone of it.

        1. +1 I’ve been cringing at a friend’s texts who has been too direct about her disappointment in my follow-up/interest as a friend lately. I’m all for being direct, but she’s demanding a bit too much and it’s off-putting. We’re growing apart for a number of reasons and her wanting me to account for every aspect of it just makes me less inclined to want to spend time with her. Canceling on an RSVP is crappy, but it really is the collective harm that did it in. I think it’s fair to let them know you were disappointed, but don’t make it their job to fix it.

          This is what I’d use (copied from above, obvi): “I’m sorry you couldn’t come too! Must have been something about Sunday… a lot of people ended up not able to come last minute.”

      2. Agreed. This is not as pointed as some of the others, but does remind the person that THEY RSVP’D.

    5. I’m sorry that happened. I noticed this happened with an engagement party I went to this weekend. Invites were sent via a Facebook event (and paper invites followed). The day of the party, half a dozen people posted in the Facebook group that they wouldn’t be able to make it. The few people who gave reasons had pretty lame reasons. Overall, it seemed rude. All of these people were in their 30s and 40s. (I have no idea how many people no-showed or texted just the host or couple.)

      I’m not sure how to deal with people bailing. I just wish people would accept or reject invitations and then follow through.

      1. I feel like we’ve gone into some kind of cultural moment where people feel that if they text or post that they’re not coming, then it’s not a big deal. Even if they text or post last-minute. Or if they don’t show and then they text, they’re fine.

    6. Can you tell them you were disappointed? Then see how they react and that gives you an answer. You’ll at least feel better for saying you’re disappointed.

    8. I think it’s perfectly fine to say, “Yes, I was disappointed you didn’t make it. I was looking forward to seeing you.”

      You are not alone, though, that’s for sure. I don’t know why people flake on parties. I like baking and I like experimenting with cocktails (Giant grocery’s Apple Cider Seltzer + bourbon + simple syrup + cardamom bitters!) so I’d love to have people over to eat and drink, but don’t want to deal with the stress of wondering if people will show. Because inside I’m still a teenager and it just feels so bad when people blow you off.

      So, no real solutions, but commiseration.

      1. “Because inside I’m still a teenager and it just feels so bad when people blow you off.”

        You just articulated my main reason for not entertaining! At the beginning of last year I moved into a new house with a huge kitchen and gorgeous spaces that would be perfect for parties. And yet, I’ve never hosted an event here. Why? It’s hurt too much in the past when people didn’t come to things. I’m sure I’m being silly and overly sensitive, but there’s something about eating leftover hors d’ouvres for lunch everyday the next week that just cements the message “your friends did not care enough about you to come to a party you were excited about and worked hard on.”

        I’m here for all the guilt-tripping and snarky comments after the event.

        1. If it’s silly and over-sensitive when people bail at the last minute, put me unashamedly on the silly and over-sensitive bench.

        2. Yes, I feel that too! I don’t think I’ve ever thrown a party where everyone bailed and no one showed, but I’ve thrown plenty of parties where only a 2-3 people decided to show up when I was expecting a good deal more. In those cases I just show the people who did come lots of appreciation, rather than dwell on the no-shows and last minute cancellations, but it does hurt.

          I get it, adults have limited free time, especially when Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon/early evening are concerned, and social media presents us with endless ways to fill those valuable time slots, so even if people like you, there’s still a chance that your party won’t be the most exciting thing happening that night. When I want to plan a party, I try to do it on an evening where people will want to go out, but it won’t be an evening where people will likely have “better” options, but then I can never figure out a “good” date for the party so it just never happens.

    9. We had a thread not too long ago about bailing. I mentioned that there’s a whole family of memes about bailing that people apparently think are hilarious. And then a couple of people responsed that they were introverts and didn’t have to do anything they didn’t want to do. But the time to make the decision that you don’t want to do it is when you RSVP. A last minute bail, short of I’m in the emergency room, is completely self centered.

      Bailers, please read OP’s post and change your ways. It really is rude and puts your wants and needs way way ahead of your friend’s, particularly when she has gone out of her way at great time and expense to prepare for you.

      1. +1 to this.

        I don’t know when “introversion” and the ubiquitous “anxiety” that everyone is magically diagnosed with these days has turned into a carte blanche excuse to be rude to your event-throwing friends and ghost after you’ve RSVP-ed yes to a planned function. check your self-care if it means you’re losing valuable friends.

        2. +1. I have a family member who is an introvert and has some social anxiety. Amazingly, she shows up to every single thing she commits to. She does it by not over-committing. She will only say “yes” to one social event, including family events, per weekend day. She only agrees to Friday nights if it’s a large, important event, like a rehearsal dinner. She and her husband both work in schools, so she has an early bedtime on Sundays. I’d love to see her and her family more, but I understand self-care, and I’m happy that I can count on her when she commits to something.

        3. I’m an introvert and when I say yes to something, I’m 100% there. That means I don’t commit myself to as many things because I know what I can manage. However, when I do show up at these plans, I’m often stood up or waiting for over an hour by my extroverted friends–they’re the ones who are far more likely to overcommit, do a poor job of leaving one event to be on time to the next, and/or decide to just say screw it all because they can’t decide from the 8 things they said yes to that day. This is not a “rude introverts are flakes” thing.

      2. I’m an introvert who hates those memes. Because that behavior is just straight-up rude, and it’s not OK. The people who constantly bail aren’t (just) introverts, they’re jerks.

      3. I’m an introvert and if I don’t want to go, I RSVP no. I never bail at the last minute, even when all I want to do is curl up on the couch. Introvert =/= rude jerk.

      4. Right? Somebody just bailed on my destination birthday party after making hotel reservations (and after I gave the caterer the final count and paid in full) because they’ve decided they’re too anxious to get on the plane. I mean, really?

    10. They’re too old for this and they know better. I wouldn’t bother being polite. Make your feelings known, otherwise they think it’s perfectly okay to bail last minute. I wouldn’t be mean about it but straight forward. “I was disappointed that I was not able to see you. You and a significant number of other guests bailed at last minute with no discernible reason and that is incredibly disappointing and pretty rude. Please try to stick to your commitments, or at the very least let me know days ahead of time if you are a maybe or a no go so that I don’t waste my money buying the food.”

      I sent a text like that to a friend after she bailed for a third time on set plans “because she was tired.” It was Friday night, she had no children or boyfriend to take up her time, no real hobbies, no family issues, no sickness or ailment to make you unusually tired, and only work part time. You’re not tired you’re lazy and rude. She got upset, I didn’t apologize or back down from my statements. We didn’t talk for a couple weeks, she got over it, and is less flaky and more honest about whether or not she’ll be able to make plans.

    11. It’s just a thing now – probably bc you can get a last minute message to your host easily via text and you don’t have to talk to them, hear their disappointment, have to answer their “why” convincingly. So it’s easier to just text that you can’t make it without having to say – I’m sitting on my couch in PJs and don’t want to shower, change and drive you so I’m out. What I don’t get – by 30-40, you know yourself. If you know that by the end of the week or Sunday night or whatever, you don’t like to go out – RSVP no. I don’t get why people say yes out of politeness knowing there’s a 99% chance they won’t go.

    12. Thanks everyone. It’s good to hear at least that I’m not overreacting. Like, even if you text the night before or the morning of— I already bought the food and cooked! Ugh. I’m not upset about people who said “no” in advance, just the last-minute bailers. It really does hurt.

      1. I’m so sorry. That was just rude, plain and simple. I would definitely let them know you were very disappointed.

        I had somewhat of a similar situation happen to me — my best friend’s birthday came and passed and I forgot to call her (she lives far away). I just straight up forgot. When I called her the next day to wish her and apologize, she told me very matter of fact — yeah, I was really hurt that you didn’t call, none of my other close friends did either. She was honest and I felt terrible and guess what? I never did that again!

    13. I’m sorry this happened and hope you had a happy birthday in spite of your friends.

      I do think people have become much more rude/noncommital in general, and it’s a shame. And I get it: I’m an introvert with anxiety, and sometimes I’d rather stay home, too! But if I’ve RSVP’ed yes, then it’s a heck yes, unless something truly catastrophic happens.

      For friends like the ones you describe — honestly, I host them less often than the people who will show up or at least be honest when they can’t/don’t want to. Or I do things with these friends one-on-one. If I invite them to a group gathering, I’m pleasantly surprised when they show but no longer care much if they don’t. Of course that affects the closeness of the friendship, but I see that as a choice THEY made, not me.

    14. Depends on how close the friend is. Inner circle friends: “yeah that was pretty messed up of you. What the heck?” I give close friends three strikes, then I stop trying but will respond to outreach or invitations. Casual or new friends, “thanks, I was disappointed you couldn’t make it.” Then, no more invitations. Someone casual who has done this to me before, no response at all, no more invites.

    15. The last minute bailing happens a lot to me, too, sadly. I’ve stopped making plans with those people. I try to keep reminding myself that I would rather have a small number of reliable friends who 1) follow through with plans and don’t bail last minute, and 2) reach out to me to schedule things instead of relying on me to be the planner all the time, instead of trying to maintain a large group of friends where I’m left continually disappointed.

    16. I’m sorry – that really sucks.

      Honestly, I’m throwing a party on the weekend and have so much anxiety that people will not show or bail.

      I would definitely tell your friends that you’re disappointed that they chose not to show up at the last minute. At the very least, they should make it up to you somehow or apologize in a more genuine way.

    17. Oh, and this situation (bailing, being flaky, etc.) always reminds me of those house shopping shows where every single couple talks about how much they entertain and love throwing parties and need a space that fits a lot of people, etc etc, but I haven’t found very many of those people in practice! I know TWO couples of literally ALL the people I know who regularly host events of any kind at their house.

      1. My husband and I make fun of those “it’s perfect for entertaining!” people all the time. We just say, “yeah, right.”

        1. OMG us too!! Plus when you move across the country who knows enough people to invite to a huge party.

    18. When I hosted a dinner party last year and people flaked, I was honest with them. I told them I was upset they did not show up, especially the ones that texted 20 minutes before it was going to start to tell me they were not going to make it. I put in a lot of time and effort to accommodate a lot of dietary restrictions, alcohol/beverage preferences, etc.

      These honesty sessions then became a longer conversation about mental health and social anxiety disorders/depression, among some of them. It’s a double edged sword because the no-shows will complain about not being invited to things, but then not show up when they are invited due to the social anxiety disorder, depression, etc.

      At this point, I invite them but assume they won’t show up and I try not to take it personally. But it is hard.

    19. I have definitely been there. I’d respond saying “I was really sad you couldn’t make it too. All my friends ended up bailing, and I definitely noticed your absence.” But it would also depend on whether that friend usually makes a real effort to show up and bailing in this instance was an unusual one-off thing with a cogent explanation or a pattern of behaviour.

    20. I’m late to this response, so not sure if you’ll see it, but a couple of reccs for the future. And first off, I totally feel you because I am very prone to the same kind of feelings of being over-hurt when friends let me down.
      First, when I plan an event, I check the date with 2-3 of my favorite friends. The friends that I know I can count on and that as long as they are there I’ll have a good time. So once it works for them, I set that date.. if other people come, it’s frosting on the cake, but if not I know I’ll still have a blast.
      A few days before the event, before buying stuff, I ask people to look at their calendar and confirm/change their RSVP because I’m buying supplies (I plan a meetup where regularly 30 people will RSVP yes a month before and then not show… and it is a mom group, so they are predictably even more flaky than most), usually this gets me a better idea of the turnout (although still not 100% accurate). 3rd, I think people are just tired and anti-social when it comes to the weekend. A lot of times I go to events because I said I would, but I’m so worn out (esp the older and more over-committed we get), so I understand wanting to cancel last moment and try not to take it quite so personally because I think it has more to do with them than me.

  17. Anyone here read the money diaries feature on Refinery29? I would so love to see money diaries for some of the regular posters here with cool hobbies and interests!

    1. Yes! I actually just came back from a whirlwind weekend road trip, and the marathon stretch coming home last night my fiance was getting tired, so I read him a bunch to keep us both occupied. We love them. I always think that would be a cool thing to do on this s i t e too!

    4. Mine from this year would be grotesque. I joined the country club, golfed 4-5x per week, updated a ton of my equipment, got new apparel and shoes and bag and…. So, if anyone wants to know how much it costs to truly get back into golf (I golfed in college so it wasn’t like I had nothing to start with), I’ll volunteer as tribute.

    5. I kind of can’t stand the budget discussions on here, with the bragging about how much some posters save (which I take with a huge grain of salt) and the shaming about people who don’t do the same.

      1. The demographic of this site skews towards high income. If it makes you mad that people with high incomes can save a lot, move to exclusively read sites like Refinery 29 that skew younger and lower income than here or, better yet, put up or shut up and make more money.

        1. Wow wouldn’t say it like this but yeah this site has a LOT of people who’ve have 150k+ their entire careers. Guess what – when you earn like that starting at 22 or 25, by the time you’re 30 or 40, you have some serious net worth. A good number of people here with said high income also desire financial independence so saving 30% or even 50% of incone isn’t unheard of – and not impossible when you’re making 200k.

      2. Same here. I think they all come from a pretty narrow perspective. I just collapse those threads and move on.

  18. I’ve been through a hell of a lot the last few years. Got out of a long-term relationship with a horrible alcoholic, started rebuilding my life, then he killed himself, I took care of all the left overs (tangible and intangible).

    I discovered that he had been revisiting a pet project that has actual value and marketability, so I took that project over too (we had worked on it together for years but never got it off the ground). Since the project is aimed for a male-dominated interest, with male-dominated participants, I knew going in that I would experience some “little lady” patronizing and mansplaining. I’ve done two years of networking, consulting with specialists, market research, trade shows, business plans and budgets, sales projections, etc.

    But my God! There’s SO MUCH CRAP. “Didn’t you do X” and “you should have thought of Y” and “don’t use such flowery language.” Um, if this were a guy, instead of an identifiable woman, handling it, it would be “Dude!” and “Way to go!” Just wide-spread assumptions that I have zero knowledge of anything related to this field and that I’m Judy Garland without her Mickey Rooney Trying To Put On A Show. That flowery language was actually HIS text, but because it’s posted by a woman, it’s obviously girly and flowery. I feel like just giving up and selling the IP.

    Thank you for the vent.

    1. Simple question: fast forward two years. The project is up and running. It’s viable. Do you WANT to be doing this thing, in this industry, with these people as your industry peers? If not, go ahead and sell now, and go do something you want to do. There’s no requirement to fight through on this.

      I was working very hard to get a project off the ground and then realized that even if it were to succeed, it’s not what I wanted to be doing with my life.

      1. I do have very modest sales goals. I’m not looking to be GM or even a major niche like Tesla (though I’m not trying to sell cars!). I envision my future sales efforts as mostly letting the product speak for itself, because once you’ve sold a few, people see the finished product and not the start-up effort. I hope.

      2. And these are anonymous comments, not made to my face. When people in this industry meet me, they recognize my research and efforts and that I’m no fly-by-night. So it’s different in person.

      3. First of all, WAY TO GO, OP!!! But Anonymous is right. If you don’t enjoy this project – sell the IP and do what you enjoy!

    2. Are most of your interactions in person, or electronic? Would it be possible to set up an email account with a male name?

  19. I’m tempted to start a work uniform. My office is casual so it shouldn’t be too hard. I also live in Texas so I’m not worried about cold weather.

    I’d like to wear skinny jeans, basic colored blouse, flats, fun jewelry. I figure I can mix it up seasonally with the jewelry and adding additional pieces like scarves, vest, etc.

    Can anyone recommend a machine washable blouse that comes in many solid colors and has staying power? Doesn’t have to be collared, loose fitting is preferable, tunic length maybe?

    I AM SO SICK of standing in my closet trying to find something to wear.

    Thank you!

    2. It might be easier to start with a type of blouse than one exact blouse that comes in multiple good colors. Why not just go with what you described: loose fitting, solid-colored, tunic length blouses, no collar. Worn with skinny jeans.

    3. The Uniqlo rayon blouses sound perfect for you. They are out in long sleeve right now, and they do short sleeve and sleeveless in the summer. They also sometimes do fun prints.

    4. AT camp shirt, in all of its various iterations. I machine wash mine in a mesh bag, hang to dry.

      1. This is my go-to. And I treat mine with less care bit they still hold up.
        Portion is also a good option, esp. if you are slender.

    5. Check out the Pleione line at Nordstrom. They’ve become a favorite for fun easy tops.

    6. I feel like this style is everywhere. In addition to the options the other posters listed, Calvin Klein has one that is available in new colors every season.

    7. Erin Busbee has a checklist for your wardrobe that gives you the basics you need to make complete outfits. I was surprised at how many things I was missing. It’s free when you sign up for the newsletter (which isn’t annoying). I really like it. Just ignore her totally when she talks about over the knee boots. Like, no. NO!

    8. The NYDJ tunic. Older colors/patterns available on Amazon or Nord Rack for a steep discount. Machine washable, never wrinkles. I have two or three in various colors.

  20. I am thinking about moving to Houston and want someone to talk me into/out of it. I’m married, no kids, 2 dogs, and 29 years old. I’d buy a place in the Montrose area probably. At least that’s where I’ve currently been looking.

    I grew up there but have since lived in a bunch of different places (including abroad) and am now in a major east coast city. Last time I visited home it really bothered me how visually unappealing the city is, but that may be because I spent a bunch of time driving between downtown and the woodlands on I-45. Assume career options are decent in current location and Houston, and I really enjoy the full range of things that big cities have to offer and different people/ways of life. I really prefer a public transport/a walkable city, but as long as I’m not driving a ton (i.e., commuting from the suburbs) the driving everywhere things is fine with me. I’m also concerned about future flooding. It kind of seems like the response to Harvey in terms of building restrictions hasn’t been great, and I don’t want to buy a house just to have it flood, which could definitely still happen if I buy a place that’s in an area that hasn’t flooded before.

    Anyone who lives there currently have thoughts?

    1. Native Houstonian here and current resident. I’m in the pro column as I love living here. I think it is difficult for anyone that hasn’t spent a significant time here as an adult to appreciate the city’s qualities. There is a common saying that Houston is awful to visit but wonderful to live. The city has spent the last 15 years beautifying it and making it more liveable, but most of that money and effort has gone inside the loop, so you won’t see any of it on the highway between the Woodlands and downtown (you know that’s a ridiculous impression based on that commute which is why you mentioned it). Woodlands is not a good approximation as its a pretty master planned suburb as opposed to a unique city that changes mile by mile due to lack of zoning. Your commute if you work inside the loop or near it and also live there will be around 20 minutes or less – my commute to downtown was 7 minutes when I lived near Rice Military.

      Houston has all the amenities of a really big city without most of the headache. Rents are very reasonable, housing it relatively affordable compared to cities of a similar size (though rising). I assume you’ve looked into housing prices in Montrose. If not, know that a modest 1800sqft townhouse will run you back 500k to 1M. There are many other great places in the loop to live that you get more bang for your buck and frankly are less dangerous (the Heights, Rice Military and near Rice namely).

      With respect to flooding, it is so variable, you’d pretty much have to avoid all coastal cities. Most of Houston didn’t flood, Harvey was an incredibly unusual flooding event, and the areas that didn’t flood are likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. Montrose on the whole wasn’t heavily affected, it varied street by street. The Heights didn’t flood at all except with respect to homes right alongside the bayou or streams.

      1. I would second the recommendation for Rice Military (or the recommendation for the Heights from the poster below). I’m moving out of the neighborhood this year for a bigger yard and house, but I’m going to miss it. The commute is super easy to downtown or the Galleria, it’s set on a high piece of land so the vast majority of it didn’t experience any flooding or threat of it, and it’s right between Memorial Park and the new bayou improvements. I love being right between two major park areas – it makes the drives more pleasant and both parks are walkable from the neighborhood. You do have to be careful to avoid the houses right next to the bars on Washington (or in the Heights) just because of the noise. I love Houston as a city. There is something new to do all the time, great food, and they are pouring a ton of money into the center of it.

        I love the city and think it just keeps getting better.

    2. Lifelong Houstonian that got back as quick as I could. The city isn’t very walkable, but if you aren’t commuting in from the suburbs it shouldn’t be too bad. Familiarize yourself with the flood maps when home shopping and you should be in much better shape. Outside of the flood zone flood insurance premiums aren’t very high (mine is $400 annually). Especially in Montrose, Houston is going to be very diverse with all the things a large city can offer, but maybe with just slightly more humidity.

    3. Houston transplant here. I have lived in NYC, Philly and DC and moved to Houston for DH’s job. The cost of living is great compared to the east coast, but since I have no connections to Houston I personally never would’ve moved here if it wasn’t for DH’s job. Since you are from here you obviously have a connection to the city. Are your family/friends still here? An area you might consider to move to is The Heights. It is a bit prettier and more walkable than other areas and where I would live if it was more convenient for our jobs. No idea what the dating scene is like here. Agree with the sentiment above that it is a better place to live than to visit as the main pro is the ease of life. Might you consider renting before buying in case you don’t like it so it is easier to leave?

      The pros of living here are cost of living and ease of living. The cons to me are – it is one of the ugliest places I’ve ever been in my entire life (this + flooding is what happens when you don’t have zoning regulations) , it is not at all walkable (and I live in the Rice Village area which is one of the more walkable areas of the city) and there aren’t really any walkable areas, and i really really miss being driving distance from nicer beaches, from a ski weekend, from other states etc. and i also miss living in a city that has more attractions. While there are some good restaurants, I personally hate going out to eat in a strip mall and shopping in a mall. I view living in Houston like living in a suburb. I actually feel like living in Houston is more similar to my childhood growing up in the suburb of a large east coast city, than it is to actually living in a large walking city. This probably sounds quite negative, but I definitely do not hate our life here. Our life here is easier and less expensive than it would be than if we were in the other cities with good job opportunities for DH (my field is more flexible), I just would never randomly pick up and choose to move here (but again, I’m not from here so I clearly have a bit of a bias)

    4. Houston is very bike-able if you live in Montrose or the Heights or between the two. I bike less in summer because it’s so hot but from around October through April I bike everywhere as long as it’s not raining. It’s a cheap city, with lots of diversity and good food, decent museums, plenty of stuff to do and lots of career opportunities. There are definitely much, much worse places to live. I prefer it to my previous location on the east coast.

      1. Be careful about choosing a location. The city and county are really not doing a good job of changing the situation vis a vis flooding. In fact, their project are in no way increasing bayou volume more than 30% in some areas … which won’t prevent flooding in the future. There’s lots of grand talk and plans, but it’s really all on the back of the homeowners. There’s also no 100 year flood plain anymore. You’re only dealing with a 500 year flood plain in terms of insurance etc. If you plan to do any significant remodeling, if you are in the flood plain, you will be required by the city to elevate the old home so that it is 2 feet above the 500 year flood plain or tear it down and start anew.

        As a first time flooder … this has been a crisis which will carry on through my lifetime. We have lost all equity in the property except for the very diminished lot value. House is valued at 100.00. You reach that right – one benjamin. We cannot afford to add 250-350 k to elevate our 60 year old home. The structure won’t take it and the layout on our lot makes it hard even if we could afford it. We are 10 years from retirement.

        The money we had in equity and potential sale has vanished – and was targeted to buy a retirement home away from the city. The whole neighborhood now looks like it will be all McMansions by the end of the next 3-5 years … instead of the graceful, older, mostly one story Mid Century Modern homes … COL will go up as a result. City is happy to require this as they then get more property taxes – none of which they use to actually solve the bayou and street flooding problems. That’s all gone to keeping the medical center from flooding.

        We cannot now afford to buy a home in the non-flooding areas and loft/condo/apartment prices are out of the budget too … far more than our monthly mortgage payment … and that’s for a 1 bedroom as opposed to our one story 4br/2bath.

        It’s just a horrific situation for us. I’m at full billable hours all the time and can’t bring in more money. DH is in oil and gas without any shares/stockholder perks as it’s a privately held company.

        Our lives have just been destroyed really. We won’t be able to afford a nice home in the future for our retirement as there’s no way to make up the lost equity. I know that those buying into the area are hot for cheap as possible lots so they can build their “dream homes” and they will tell us that up front. Yep. Good for them. Our current and future dream homes are no longer possible.

        It’s a tough situation.

        Be careful where you buy. There will be floods again.

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