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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 224 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Stainless Steel Carafe

Coffee Break

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water carafe for bedroom or officeI have kept a water carafe near my bed for a while because a) sometimes I get really thirsty at night, b) I hate the way water can taste super stale, and c) I am super lazy in the middle of the night and don't want to get up or a drink of water. Mine hasn't been anything fancy — an old stainless steel vacuum-seal thermos with one of those ring tops that I used to keep in my office to keep water ice cold — so when I spied this at Target I thought OOOOOOH. You can use the top for a cup, but I have a few Tervis tumblers that I would like to switch out for the actual drinking cup. (Thanks to the readers for turning me on to Tervis!) This one is $10 at Target, and also comes in a nice green and a rose. 20oz Stainless Steel Portable Water Bottle This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Rainbow Hair

    I keep getting invitations to CLEs like “Navigating the Changing Legal Landscape and #MeToo” and I am trying to sort out why I am so annoyed by it. Maybe this breathless shock like, “OMG did you know people get harassed? and they don’t like it and it has impacts on their careers?! who knew?! come to the CLE to learn more!” And then the employer-protection angle like, “Wimmen these days with their hashtags. What an uproar! Here’s how you can protect your senior staff.”

    I don’t know exactly. I’m glad that people are listening and paying attention, but there’s something weird and gross about it that I can’t quite articulate.

    Thoughts?

    • Anon

      I’m with you. Plus there haven’t really been any major structural changes to address harassment and abuse. It’s just that women are a little more comfortable talking about these things. So, I guess I don’t think that the legal landscape is really changing that much in response to #metoo? Also, yeah, it’s kinda like, “Oh, guess we have to deal with this now that people are talking about it” rather than a genuine motivation to fix the things that are wrong.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Thank you! That articulates it well. “Shifting legal landscape” = slightly more harassers being held accountable. Bleh.

        I mean, I guess I *am* for anything that gets people to take the problem more seriously, it just seems like they’re missing what the actual problem is (hint: it’s not the women complaining of harassment).

        • Monday

          Yes! When I read that, as a non-lawyer, I thought “wait–there’s a changing legal landscape? What did I miss?”

          The title/description you report has a very “by men, for men” tone to me. I would be more interested in a seminar just called, say, “Addressing S3xual Assault and Harassment in 2018.” No gimmicks. No pretense that maybe it isn’t real. No cover for perpetrators.

          • Anonymous

            That’s nice. But I’m a lawyer and a woman and represent management and CLE titles are supposed to get attention and this is a big public discussion.

          • Anonymous

            The point of these is to A) provide legal info and B) get business. This isn’t a charitable let’s all learn how not to harass people event. You obviously do not know what you are talking about.

          • Anon

            Sweetie, you’re not coming off well here. Even those of us who aren’t lawyers are actually capable of understanding what CLEs are for. Doesn’t mean we can’t have opinions on their titles.

          • anon

            Yeah anyone who has ever been to a CLE knows that “navigating the changing landscape” is a pretty common CLE title template. It means “hey please listen to what I’m saying, please don’t just check your email, I promise it’s not just the same old stuff.” Kinda funny how you’re taking it so seriously.

            Please consider why you feel the need to tear other people down for no reason, Anonymous at 3:21.

    • nutella

      I think CLE titles are always trying to sound interesting and grab attention, so I roll my eyes at pretty much all of them anyways. I actually did attend a CLE that was focused on #metoo and it was actually great because it was two people who actually did these kinds of investigations – a woman social worker who explained how to investigate it with sensitivity and respect towards the individual as well as by a lawyer who actually had conducted these investigations and explained the necessary information to work with HR. Both discussed at length not only what to do with it once raised but also about creating an environment to prevent it from happening. Part of what struck me was how comfortable (and therefore in contrast how uncomfortable all the settings I have seen) both of them were in discussing these issues in a professional, matter-of-fact way. It reminded me of listening to doctors speak; I think men’s squeamishness towards anything having to do with women in part contributes to why this problem can spread in certain environments. Seeing them model appropriate vocabulary and a comfortable tone I hope set an example for others, too, to do in their own workplaces.

    • nutella

      Also, if you do go, I’d encourage you to write constructive criticism in the feedback! (I think it’s the only thing more senior lawyers at my old law firm ever really paid attention to!) Something like, “While this topic is important and I really want to continue to see more of these CLEs in the future, this seminar could be improved by focusing less on the accusations and more about creating a culture which prevents them in the first place other than a 10-minute orientation video. Furthermore, the instructors should consider partnering with local social workers to explain how we can implement investigative strategies with sensitivity in our own workplaces.”

    • buffybot

      I don’t disagree with your fundamental premise, but I do seem to recall that there have been some interesting legal developments about sexual harassment and due diligence/disclosure in M&A and securities laws. Per Matt Levine, “everything is securities fraud”

      None of this protects victims any better in the immediate term, but maybe it is helping putting a bigger price on sweeping things under the rug?

      • Anonymous

        Also the point of CLE is not protecting victims. That’s just not at all what this is about

        • Rainbow Hair

          Of course the point of CLE is not to protect victims. But preventing illegal behavior and ensuring that employees are afforded the protections to which they are legally entitled helps the companies that are presumably being marketed to with these events. And CLE sureAF can be about that.

    • Hannah

      I agree. Why is it ok for men to poo poo proof of a man forcing a woman to lick his p-enis but become aghast if a woman even suggests that a man use his tongue to pleasure her cli-Tori’s? A classic double standard as it is virtually universal knowledge that women cannot get a decent or-gasm from any man’s pe-nis alone. We should get another woman to be nominated.

  2. Pregnant Bridesmaid

    I was thrilled to recently find out that I am pregnant with my first child! If all goes well, I will be 30 weeks pregnant at the time I’ve agreed to be a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s weddings. She has already selected the dress. It will be the same style for all bridesmaids and is not maternity friendly as it has a very defined waist. She’s requested that everyone order the dress within the next two weeks, and at this point we’ve only shared our news with our immediate family. What is the best way to handle this situation? Thanks for your input!

    • Veronica Mars

      Tell her ASAP and request a more forgiving dress cut. If she’s close enough to you to be in her wedding party, she’s close enough to keep a secret.

      • Anonymous

        Tell her and tell her you’ll buy a maternity version in the same color

    • Marshmallow

      Yep, just tell her and ask her not to spread the news because it’s very early. It’s good news that your friend should be thrilled to hear! Nearly every bridesmaid dress line has some maternity-friendly options in the same color and it should be zero problem to find you a dress that will look great with the rest of the group.

    • Anon

      If you don’t tell her, order the dress and then 4 weeks later say “oops, I’m 12 weeks pregnant, you need to reconsider your entire bridesmaid dress selection she will be rightfully pissed – honestly I’d just politely ask you to sit out the whole thing – you’ll be so pregnant you probably won’t want bridesmaid duty anyway. Tell her so she can choose flattering cut for your belly, she won’t expose your non-secret before you’re ready. This nearly happened to me, a bridesmaid decided to start trying 6 mths before the wedding after she bought her dress (obviously someone’s birth plans shouldn’t be centered around a wedding, but it was stupid of her to do so without letting me know we may need to order a maternity dress or empire waist cut when a dress takes three months to come in).

      • Anon

        Wait, you really expected one of your bridesmaids to consult *you* on her family planning? Because a dress was that big of a deal to you? And you’d kick somebody out of your wedding over it? Geez.

        • Anon

          Consult – no. Suggest a different dress cut when the bride is asking the bridesmaids what they want to wear when she knows she might be exploding out of the planned one? Yes. Nothing says a bridesmaid needs to tell the bride why a different dress cut is needed, but if you know you’re TTC and get a skintight dress, then get mad when you can’t fit it or demand a different dress than was planned 6 mths out, you’re an a-hole.

          A pregnancy is a major life event but HELLO so is a wedding, for many even bigger than a baby (a wedding is the start of the family unit). I’m going to support a friend in her pregnancy and motherhood, she can be polite and order a d*mn loose dress. All the sanctimommies here who think their life choices clear them of being considerate to others – especially when its a planned pregnancy – annoy me.

          • Anonymous

            “Planned pregnancy” — you write like it’s ordering from McDonalds.

            People plan and g-d laughs.

          • Anonymous

            Wow. You sound terrible. No one cares about your wedding and your precious bridesmaid dresses nearly as much as you do. And no, a wedding is not more important than having a baby. Talk about Bridezilla

          • Anon

            You are way too wrapped up in your own wedding when you think it’s as important as or more important than a baby. A wedding is a day in your life. And we are talking about a dress here.

            I agree with Senior Attorney.

          • Anon

            A special day is special because its personal. I don’t care about a baby that’s not mine. Bridesmaid is allowed to not want to adjust for the wedding, then she can be a guest, but its considerate to tell someone of plans that affect the most important day of your life.

            Your ethical trolling is ridiculous you all know you’d feel the same in this situation. I just feel bad for you guys whose entire lives and everyone in them lose meaning when you have a kid, you’re only half a person. Women like the above commenters are the very ones whose childless friends look on with pity. Having a baby doesn’t make you special or exempt you from societal niceties, you’re just as common and unimportant as the billions of other people out there, mothers or not.

          • Anon

            I’m the poster who said over the weekend that no one is obligated to change her body for my wedding.

            I’m also the one who has family who is being abusive to her over her wedding. (Thank you all for your great advice.)

            So being a bride on both sides of this, feeling both very wronged and one who does not want to “fix” it by doing others wrong: what the forking fork. Are you serious? No one needs to schedule her pregnancy around my wedding. She needs to tell me if my plans need to change to accommodate her, or if she needs help with something. But if one of my bridesmaids wanted be there with a big pregnant belly, I would help her find a rocking maternity dress and give her sparkling cider for a toast.

          • Anon

            “A planned pregnancy”.

            Bwahahahahahha. Ha.

            We “planned” to get pregnant over a year ago. We started IVF on Saturday. Planned pregnancy sounds nice, but it’s not quite that easy!

          • anon

            “A special day is special because its personal. I don’t care about a baby that’s not mine.”

            And yet you expect people to care about your wedding? Do you see what a hypocrite you are? You think her decision to have a kid “affects the most important day of your life” (lol, that’s delusional, we’re talking about the dress one person wears) and yet you don’t want to extend the same courtesy of caring/respecting about this extremely important event in her life? Look, I’m neither married nor a parent (and I don’t even want kids) so I really don’t have a dog in this fight. But you seem seriously by motherhood and pregnancy. It’s really sad. Are you the same poster who freaks out a lot about women bfeeding or being pregnant in public? Come on, “exploding out” of the dress? Seek help.

      • Anonymous

        “honestly I’d just politely ask you to sit out the whole thing – you’ll be so pregnant you probably won’t want bridesmaid duty anyway”

        I totally disagree with this. 30 weeks isn’t *that* pregnant. It’s early third trimester when many women are still feeling great, and the risk of delivering is minimal. If her wedding is in a very remote location, maybe you wont’ want to travel. But if it’s near a major hospital, I wouldn’t worry at all.

      • Anonymous

        Seriously, what duties do bridesmaids even have? Beyond show up on time and (pref) sober?

      • Marshmallow

        Uh, why wouldn’t someone want bridesmaid “duty” at 30 weeks? Exactly what kind of duty do you think your friends are performing for you– heavy lifting?

        • berry

          Yes actually, I was the only bridesmaid flying into the wedding location (so no car) but was told I needed to “help” move decorations from her apartment (a second floor walk up) to the venue. She got really pissy when I said I wasn’t renting a car or getting an uber solely to move things and why didn’t she ask any of her zillion local friends or family, and that was basically the beginning of the end of our friendship. I’ll be happy if I’m never in another wedding again.

      • anon

        It *nearly* happened to you!??!

        Oh thank GOD you were able to dodge that bullet.

        Do you hear yourself.

    • anon0321

      I went through this when I was pregnant with my 1st- I said, “friend, I’m pregnant! And I’m going to be __ wks pregnant on your wedding. I’d be happy to sit out as bridesmaid, or participate as long as its possible… but picking a dress size at this point may be difficult, and just wanted to give you a heads up about the situation. We have only told _, _ & _, so please keep this on the DL. Excited for both of our big life events coming up!”.

  3. Anonymous

    TW- issues around consent.

    this is a tough one to start the coffee break on but I can’t really tell anyone this in real life. With the metoo movement and now the kavanaugh hearings, I guess I just wanted to know if anyone was in a similar boat. I don’t identify myself as a victim or a survivor and can’t really ever picture myself saying the words “I was raped” but lately I have been hyperfocusing on two instances from college. One, I woke up in the morning after completely blacking out. there was a condom on the floor and I had been with a good guy friend. we have never hooked up before and he actually had a gf at the time. I did have a crush on him, but remembered literally nothing of our encounter (I had been drinking but it was rare for me to not remember anything). he told me to get plan b the next morning. At the time, I felt bad but not necessarily upset at him, and continued to be acquaintances with him throughout college. Another time, after a very bad emotional toxic breakup, my ex called me to meet. we drove around and stopped at a park- stargazing for a while. he had been drinking I had not. He kissed me and pulled my pants down- I said stop and no numerous times but did not fight him or scream. afterwards I drove him back to his house. I still remember the date and the details. Both of these men would probably either not remember these incidents or not think of them badly. I was mostly ok with them until the last few years- with the wisdom of age and also hearing about consent and me too and these issues. it would not have occurred to me to go to police or authorities with the first. with the second i was angry and ashamed but the context of the truly horrible relationship (where i was also behaving badly) made me feel like I guess I deserved it or we were even in some way now. I don’t really know what I am looking for- I guess I am just struggling with the things in the news and people glibly saying they don’t believe dr. ford and I guess just the massiveness of the potential scale of the problem. I don’t classify these as criminal (to me) but I also feel like they did not value me as a human or equal partner and there were consent issues involved. It was years ago now I am not really looking for action plans but I guess more advice on protecting myself (emotionally) and healing

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had your first experience – where I was too drunk to consent, but it was a crush, so not sure what to call it. Half of the time I think about it I feel something akin to shame; the other half it just feels like a bad night. I’ve been “honked” by another crush at his going-away party and a skeevy young man grabbed my hand and put it on his pants crotch when I was in Europe as a tourist. I don’t know if all of this makes me a me-too survivor or not.

      • anonymous

        I’d encourage both of you to worry less about if you are considered a survivor or not. Technically assault is unwanted touching, so if the touching was not wanted (or not able to be consented to), then yes, it counts, but if the label feels like the wrong fit to you because you think other women have had it worse, then don’t think about the label so much. What matters is what you said, OP, that you were not valued as a human or equal partner. Whether actual r@pe or violence occurs, all of it boils down to lack of respect and value towards someone else.

        I felt the same confusion when I pieced together that what happened to me was assault. I described one situation to a (lawyer) friend of mine who said “well, that’s not s3xual assault!” and I said, “why not? It’s unwanted touching of a s3xual nature, isn’t it? Isn’t that the definition?” and… he just went silent. It’s because we aren’t trained to think of that and as a result, all of us — including the men who do it — think of it “not really that bad” because it isn’t stranger-violently-attacking-woman-in-alley-r@pe. But the truth is, anyone touching you against your will is not ok. OP and anon 2:37, I am sorry you had these experiences. Take the time and resources you need to heal and as terrible as this is, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and you are valued. As for me, these conversations have shed light and vocabulary on something I also didn’t know what to call and has made me so much more adamant about respect and consent in all forms, which I think has been a net good.

        • Anonymous

          Makes sense. I’m 2nd OP. I don’t lose sleep over it now and it doesn’t intrude on me in other s** experiences, which is why it’s a little confusing to me. Shouldn’t it bother me more?

          • Anonymous

            Everyone is affected differently. Just like one person may experience an event and develop PTSD and another person may experience the same or a similar event and not develop PTSD.

            There is no right or wrong way to be affected.

    • Anonny

      No advice, just commiseration. I have been assaulted so many times I actually forget about some of the instances. Its just so common for men to think “no” means try harder or “no” is playing hard to get. When really it is the polite way of saying get the h*ll away from me.

      • Anon

        This is the aspect of our culture that needs to change. That boys/men should just take no as a suggestion and keep pushing and pushing and pushing to get more. Boys are encouraged to behave this way by their fathers/uncles/brothers/peers and it becomes ingrained.

        It stops with me. My 15 year old son is sick of hearing me lecture him about consent, especially since he has never even come close to dating or going to a party, but it will continue because I refuse to raise one of these men.

        • Anonymous

          Are you sure you’re not already treating him as one of those men? It sounds like you don’t have a high opinion of an entire gender:

          “Boys are encouraged to behave this way by their fathers/uncles/brothers/peers and it becomes
          ingrained.”

          • Anon

            You have an issue with me teaching my son to ask for consent and not push girls into doing things they don’t want to do? Nice.

          • nasty woman

            So pleased to see our tr0ll is here today! Tr0ll, it is not inconsistent to love men and recognize that patriarchy can promote attitudes that are harmful to both men and women.

          • nasty woman

            Dude, she’s not wrong. Setting aside your obvious struggles with literacy, because you know that you’re twisting her words, you need to just STFU and look at this rationally.* You can get butthurt all you want but you know very well that “boys will be boys” and “no means maybe” is a big part of toxic masculinity and still exists today. Stop whining and sobbing about it. She’s correct. Some men suck. Cope with it.

            *convinced you’re our male tr0ll.

          • Anon

            It wasn’t okay when men were encouraged to look down on women and we had to fight to not be presumed stupid, and it’s not okay to treat all men like rapists until they obsequiously prove otherwise.

            Actual feminism: refusing to judge people based on their sex.

          • nasty woman

            Basic reading comprehension still seems to be an issue for you. Why don’t you give this issue and what we are saying some serious, objective thought and then get back to us. Thanks in advance.

    • Anonymous

      I know it is suggested constantly, but I think therapy might be your best bet for unpacking all of this as it relates to you personally. Your therapist may also be able to recommend a book or other resource to aid in the process. Also, if the first therapist doesn’t help, don’t hesitate to try another. It is a very personal relationship and, like other professionals, they all have their own strengths and weaknesses.

    • Anonymous

      Oh friend. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Take a break from this news cycle – I had to do this when people first started sharing their #metoo stories via social media – the world will continue on and you can step back in when you’ve had a chance to breathe.

      You could consider therapy to talk this through – there are people who can help you with this very concrete goal (if signing up for long-term therapy seems overwhelming). I have found that talking about it with someone allowed me to get past the “it wasn’t that bad” and “well it’s not like he committed a crime” and “I shouldn’t feel upset about this years later because it wasn’t that bad and wasn’t r@pe”. I felt some sort of guilt or embarrassment that it was affecting me so much since I was continually downplaying it in my head. It was helpful for someone to talk to me about how it was, actually, bad, and it was okay that I was upset about it.

      I’m sorry. Hugs.

    • Anonymous

      Its ok to feel however you feel about these incidents. Unfortunately you are not weird and you’re describing really common scenarios that so many women experience – I have too. This media attention is good in that people are acknowledging rape culture more, but its also stirring up old traumas and feelings for so many people. You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t deserve this, and you can call these experiences rape or not based on whatever is most useful to you. Its ok if your feelings about them change many times over the years. You don’t need to have reported or to even call what happened to you rape to feel what you’re feeling. I recommend therapy, even if just for a few months, to process your feelings, and most of all, try to forgive yourself – none of this was your fault. Not what happened to you, not the choices you made in how you dealt with them at the time, and not anything you have felt over the years. I would seek out a specifically feminist therapist, and you can also look into trauma specialists. There are support groups if you feel that sharing with other women would be helpful. Most of all please be kind to yourself. This is a rough time.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I had a similar thing where the realization sort of crept up on me about 4 years ago — I finally realized/accepted/admitted to myself that ‘that one time’ many years earlier was not OK.

      The story goes: one of my best friends and I had kissed a few times, but we decided it was a bad idea because it would hurt other people’s feelings and anyway we didn’t want to date each other… so it was kind of a secret. But one night after some drinks friend asked if he could crash on my couch. Sure, I said. I was on my bed and he was no my couch and I was falling asleep. Suddenly I opened my eyes and he was on me, kissing me, ok, fine, I wasn’t super into it but I kissed him back. He tried to go further, I said no. I fell asleep/passed out and woke up to him having sex with me. I pushed him off, and then I was scared he would do it again, so I [other thing] so he would be satisfied and I could feel safe. And then I just doubled down on “nothing happened, no big deal, lalalala” for like a decade. We remained friends because I was just pretending it did not happen. I felt like I couldn’t be upset about it because I [other thing] and anyway I shouldn’t have kissed him in the first place.

      But it kept reasserting itself in my memory, and I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen any more. I kind of lost my mind when my confronting him coincided with the 2016 election and misogyny at work and everything… But since then I’ve felt a lot better, being able to think through it — admit that it was traumatic, and work on that trauma instead of pretending it was fine. I texted him about it and he remembered and apologized, which was helpful in a small way. Disappointingly, our mutual friends were worse about it than he was, when it all came to light.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Also, I wonder how many women around me are going through the same thing, as each of these stories come to light… is there some kind of cold comfort in knowing we are not alone?

        • Anonymous

          +1 makes me want to make that consent video about tea mandatory viewing for all people

        • Anon

          Yea it has made me talk about my own experiences with my husband and my teenage kids (daughter and son)

      • Rainbow Hair

        OK finally: the therapist I finally settled on used EMDR among other modalities and I found it very helpful in sort of reducing the brain space that the event took up, and the emotional weight it held.

    • Anonymous

      I have a couple of those as well. They did not spring to mind in the same way as the actual physical assaults did, like being p grabbed at school, a grabbed when I was out biking and tossed off my bike, p grabbed at a bar association meeting, etc. But I did go out for a beer with a classmate and wake up at his house with him in action and another time I was walked home from a party by someone I didn’t know and woke up the next morning with gravel on my hind quarters. I am also trying to process.

    • Anon

      You were raped (twice). I want to give you permission to say that to yourself. It doesn’t have to be a strange male in a dark alley for it to “count,” although the second incident you describe is a very clear-cut case anyway. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I encourage you to seek therapy or a support group to work through these feelings. They can also help with pursuing law enforcement options if you decide to try that. Best of luck to you.

    • Anonymous

      It happened almost 20 years ago when I was in college. I don’t remember his name and I couldn’t tell you the date other than the time of year. We’d been out drinking, I ended up back at my place fooling around with this guy, I was on my period so I didn’t have any interest in taking things too far. Even the next day at an emergency visit to the doctor to remove the lost tam***, I couldn’t work out in my head how it all happened and muttered something to the doctor about forgetting I was wearing it before attempting to place a new one. Maybe it really was a drunken oversight on my part I rationalized and not assault. Only recently did I give myself the space to understand that I’d never before that night or since that night forgotten to remove the tam*** before such activity, even if I had been drinking. It’s been a rough week and I’m a little surprised how I suddenly feel so emotional about it after all this time.

    • anon0321

      OP, I think this ‘grey area’ situation is SO common for so many women (esp w/ regard to the 1st or even situations that don’t even rise to the level of blacking out). And I think situations where men think women consenting and women not agreeing is startlingly common (which is where a lot of the disconnect happens I believe). It’s a situation where maybe you would have said yes, or maybe it was easier to just go with the flow, rather than scream and fight, or even just say no…. but maybe on looking back, the dude should have noticed I/we weren’t that into it, or that the situation required a step back, and maybe a revisit when both people were more sober, happier, etc…. I think the biggest example of this in social media recently is the Aziz Ansaris situation, where you can’t straight up say the guy was wrong, but you also can say… hey maybe we need to expect more from men in terms of what we expect consent to look like- people don’t just say no with their mouths, they can say it with their bodies, actions, and situation… and if it’s not a for sure yes, maybe we should err on the side of no. Sorry if this isn’t he most eloquent thing… I don’t feel like I was raped in my situations or that there’s anything to unpack, but it also just makes you reflect on situations where maybe consent could have been more actively looked for by both parties. Sorry if this isn’t said in the most eloquent way- just want to say you aren’t alone in your feelings and I think so many women feel similarly.

  4. Anon

    In the beginning stages of planning an elopement. If you could elope anywhere, where would you go? Only criteria at the moment is that United flies there since we have a ton of points from work travel.

      • NOLA

        Yes! I believe there was a change in the city laws reducing the number of waiting days for a marriage license to encourage more weddings here. Do it! Let me know if you need help with a venue or officiant.

    • BB

      Yay for elopement! :) I’m a big fan, and it’s what we did as well. No real recs on where to go, but my one recommendation if it works for you is to go get your marriage license at whatever city hall is convenient to you before you go. This is assuming you don’t care about the legal paperwork being on the same day as the emotional/spiritual ceremony, which we didn’t. It makes the trip much more fun and less stressful. We still consider the elopement day our “real” anniversary, even though the paperwork was 2 days earlier.

      • Senior Attorney

        Just so we’re clear, for the marriage to be legal you need to get the license from the jurisdiction in which the ceremony is performed. So if you go to your own City Hall for a license and then go have a ceremony in Bora Bora, you won’t be legally married unless you have some small ceremony at home, too.

        • BB

          I’m guessing in this case, you mean the sort of really quick “ceremony” you can have at City Hall is enough? When I did it, we did do a 3 minute exchange of vows in front of an officiant before signing the papers. But we don’t consider that our “real” ceremony.

          • Senior Attorney

            Right. I totally get where you’re coming from but you do need the license and at least a brief solemnization in the same jurisdiction. Funnily enough I just went through this with a friend who had the same idea about “the paperwork” vs. “the vows” and I had to explain that you need at least “Do you?” “yes!” “Do you?” “yes!” in the jurisdiction where you get the license.

    • Anon

      Vegas. Because the wedding chapels are kind of hilarious and fun. We got married by Elvis.

      • Scarlett

        Late to the party, but I got married/eloped at SF City Hall and it is gorgeous. People come from all over the world to get married there. You can get your license and married on the same day, which is unusual in a lot of jurisdictions. You can book online, I believe 90 days out and you need two appointments – one for the license and the other for the ceremony. We booked the last ones of the day so we could do dinner after. Honeymooned in Mendocino, which had a 1960s elopement feeling to it.

    • Anonymous

      Considering this now and our top contenders are SF city hall or Paris (doing the civil official paperwork here in DC)!

      Good luck!

      • Scarlett

        FWIW, I would do DC and then honeymoon in Paris – I was surprised by how married married you feel during the civil ceremony. Perhaps it’s the lawyer in me, but since that’s the moment we became legally married it was significant despite being shorter than a scripted ceremony might be. I looked into Paris, but their requirements to make it legal were onerous.

  5. DTR converstation

    I’m sure it varies for every relationship, but I’m hoping to get some random data points. How long after you start seeing a new person do you have the defining the relationship conversation? I’m especially interested in the timeline when meeting someone online, as it tends to be more natural for me to bring up the topic when it is someone I meet via friends.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      DH and I met online. We did the DTR conversation about two months in. Everything worked out, but looking back I wish we’d discussed it a bit earlier. But I feel the opposite from you – it was easier to have a DTR conversation with my DH precisely because we’d met online with the intention of dating. Like, looking for a relationship was the only reason we knew each other.

    • Carrots

      The last guy I seriously dated, we had the exclusive talk about 6 or 7 weeks in, but that was partly because I wanted to wait until I was back from an extensive trip I was taking. It ended up coming up fairly naturally because we ran into some friends of mine and I framed it as a “should I have introduced you as my boyfriend?” talk.

    • Anon

      Met hubby online, about 3 mths in, him initiating and me being skittish. It was a very direct “what are we, what is this, if you don’t want a relationship, we should stop now” sort of deal.

    • Anon

      With my now-husband (who I met online), we’d been on maybe 5 dates but hadn’t gardened yet. I told him I wanted to garden at some point soon but wasn’t comfortable gardening with him if he was also gardening with other people. He confirmed he was not seeing anyone else. That was basically my way of making sure I didn’t get overly invested until I knew we were exclusive. But that is because I don’t do well in a scenario where I am really into someone and sleeping with them and effectively waiting for them to stop dating other people.

      • Senior Attorney

        This is exactly what I did — when I thought gardening was imminent I told him “I don’t want to garden with anybody who is gardening with anybody else, also don’t want to garden with anybody who has… pests in the garden.” And he wasn’t and didn’t and the rest is history.

    • Baconpancakes

      Ha, we dated (eachother as well as other people) for six months before the DTR. I didn’t want to get tied down again until I knew it was going to be something longer lasting. Different strokes, yo!

  6. Anonymous

    My three year old is on the spectrum. Our library has been great about him damaging board books and lift the flap books (they have limited shelf life when in use with toddlers apparently). We’ve always been upfront about damage and it doesn’t happen that often. We are pretty firm with our kid about respecting property. We’ve started using the toy library and had our first situation after many successful borrows with a toy being broken. The toy is a Tonka and possibly fully replaceable. Even if it’s not we probably won’t be charged for it. Now what do you guys (especially librarians and/or moms) think about what we should do. Before he was born we had a great relationship with the library, husband and I have both volunteered there. This is one of the best places in my city to take my kid that is judgment free of some of his differences and he loves going there.

    Should we – stop borrowing toys for a while? Should we place a donation to feel less guilty? Librarian people – is this just a normal thing that happens?

    • lsw

      My son somehow got his favorite library book in his crib and completely destroyed it. I asked the replacement cost and paid it. I’m also a monthly donor to my library, but if I wasn’t, I might consider making a donation if you’re in a position to do so. Not because you have to! But to show your appreciation of everything they’ve done for you and your kid. (I’m a fundraising professional so I might be a bit biased but that’s how I show my appreciation to nonprofits!)

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I’m not a librarian nor a parent. But to me, it seems 1) yes that’s probably a thing that happens a lot and wouldn’t upset the library much but 2) they’ve been very generous with you in the past, so why not buy and donate a new toy replacement? Don’t stop borrowing though!

    • Anonymous

      Definitely make a donation if they don’t take you up on your offer to replace.

      Stuff has a shelf life, but you may be rougher than others (so the toys/books you ruin won’t be available to others).

      We have never not offered to replace items. And we donate on top of it. Stuff happens, but libraries never have enough $ for what they need. [And we just have issues with stuff being lost / becoming sticky b/c someone spilled something / threw up / had an accident.]

    • anon

      I agree that there’s probably a normal expectation of mild damage for children’s books when the item gets some wear, but is still usable. But, libraries don’t have unlimited resources either for repair and replacement. It sounds like the library is good place for your family and I don’t think you have to stop using it. But, I think you should speak with them about the best way to make amends for things that get broken. Maybe it’s asking if you can donate some new or gently used board/lift the flap books to allow them to keep a fresh stock or if you can replace the toy with a similar item.

    • Anonymous

      Apologize and offer to pay for it. My husband spilled water over my son’s chapter book (Merlin something) and it was crunchy and puffy — they told me $2.

    • C

      I’m a librarian, although I don’t currently work in a public library. In my experience, you’re handling this exactly right by being upfront about it and not being a jerk. Librarians get treated like cr@p so often that it’s refreshing to have someone just be honest and apologetic about what happened. If you want to offer to pay for a replacement, that should be fine, but what’s more important is the way you treat the people at the desk.
      If you’re a regular supporter of your library, keep doing that! If not, consider donating to the library if you can, not just as a replacement for the toy, but to keep a valued part of your community afloat. If it’s not in your budget that’s completely ok as well- that’s a huge reason why libraries exist in the first place! Just keep being kind and respectful and most librarians will be understanding. We know that especially with kids, stuff happens.
      However you decide to handle this, I hope you will continue bringing your son to the library! Many libraries have special programming for kids on the spectrum and even those that don’t have dedicated programs still want to be as welcoming as possible. I love that you describe the library as judgement free and I hope that this will continue to be a favorite place for your son to visit!

    • Pale Girl Snorkeling

      It happens all the time. Librarians will appreciate it if you tell them when you bring it back and offer to pay for a replacement. Don’t go out and buy a replacement and show up with that as it can interfere with a lot of internal processes. Offer to pay for a replacement/make a donation and your librarians will be perfectly happy to have your kid borrow anything in their collections. The limited shelf life of library materials is generally accounted for in the budgets, but we never say no to donations.

    • Anon

      I think this is one of those instances where if your child has a condition that you anticipate creating a level of destruction/need for replacement than the average child, it is polite to donate above and beyond what you normally would, or to offer to replace some, if not all of the items. To me its similar, that if I broke my leg and go to a restaurant that requires a lot of work arounds and rearrangement time for the waiter, or a special diet that requires a lot of back and forth with the waiter, I tip just a little more than normal for the inconvenience even though its not required.

    • Another librarian

      Keep going, and using the resources, unless you are asked not to. But it would greatly surprise me if you ever were!

      They probably have a written policy, and will ask you if they need you to start paying for damaged toys, although donations are always nice.

      I would echo Pale Girl Snorkeling that money is much better than bringing in an actual toy. It’s not just about the acquisitions process- it’s because they might replace it with something different, so the kids have variety and the cool stuff they are interested in now.

  7. Anonymous

    Any tools or strategies you use when deciding between staying at your current job or taking a new one? I’ve jotted down some general pros/cons but would be glad for ideas of other ways to think it through (besides talking to my SO about it ad nauseum)

    • Pompom

      Compare your resume now to what it could look like if you take the job and stick around for a year or two. Actually add the job to a draft of your resume, and grapple with the bullets/descriptions a little bit, based on the job spec and what you know about the company, industry, team, role. Might be a bit of an investment–30 minutes–to do a quick dress rehearsal, but try it on.

      What skillsets, experiences, competencies, challenges, etc. will you face and be able to market, leverage, etc. if you take it? Who will you meet? What will you miss? What will you hate? How does it impact your overall brand?

      It’s sort of a literal, visual version of “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” question.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      Ask yourself – what advice would I give a friend in my shoes?

      I also “try on” a decision. I tell myself I have to accept Job B and then I live with that in my head for several hours/days. What reaction do I have? Idk sounds weird but it works for me.

  8. Anonymous

    I had an interview this morning for a job I really want, and am concerned about my response to a question. They asked a “give me an example of a time when you were successful at X,” and my mind went blank and all I could think about were the times when X has gone completely wrong for me. I cobbled something together about the importance of learning from mistakes and emphasized that the majority of my experiences with X had been totally positive, but couldn’t think of a specific positive example until after the call was over. It’s accepted in my job that X is going to go wrong (think health or human services, where a 100% compliance rate is impossible), and the rest of my materials and references would demonstrate that I do have very strong experiences in X.

    But I can’t stop thinking about it and am not sure if I should revisit this in my email thank-yous. Thoughts? It’s unusual for me to feel like this after an interview, but I also really want the job so I don’t know how to tease apart what’s contributing to my anxiety.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      How did they respond to your answer about learning from mistakes/most experiences with X have been positive?

      I think naming it in your follow-up emails just calls attention to it in an unwanted way. They could probably tell you were just nervous and lost your train of thought. If the rest of your answers were fine, I’m sure that’s what they will base their assessment on.

    • Coach Laura

      I think that – while you might not want to name X in your email – thank you emails are a time to highlight your abilities to handle the job and reinforce things that you learned during the interview that make you the best candidate. Writing a strong email with a thank you may help leave a positive impression as the “last word” after the interview.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t worry about it. It sounds terrible but I barely listen to interview answers for content. Mostly I’m trying to get a sense of the person, and that had little to do with the answers to competency questions.

  9. Plus size winter coat

    I just found out I will be meeting my SO’s parents for the first time this winter. I am excited, but this means travel to The North. I live in a very warm climate year round. I currently have 2 peacoats I got in college that fit ok, but need buttons replaced (NBD) and a coat that I got in early high school that I can sort of squeeze into when it’s the one day a year it gets into the low 4o’s. Needless to say, I need a new coat. The area’s average temperature when I am visiting (Kentucky) will be low 40’s to upper 20’s. Is there a style of jacket that is more trendy? Store recommendations? So far I have looked at Land’s End, but didn’t see anything that screamed out to me. Preferably want to spend <$200 as I will not use it that often, but willing to go up to $300 if it is perfect. I want to send an elegant/ well-prepared vibes as I am already going to be dealing with tricky first-girlfriend-their-only-son-has-brought-home-and-oh-yeah-she's-a-stauntch-atheist-not-Christian issues.

  10. Anonymous

    I know a lot of people here do intermittent fasting… is anyone doing 24-hour fasts on a regular basis? Trying to get past my kneejerk “not healthy” reaction and consider it really.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not concern trolling to answer a question someone asked about a particular diet… you can say that the poster at 3:31 is misinformed or whatever, but it’s not “concern trolling.” Words have meanings.

          • Anon

            It’s disingenuous concern meant to derail the conversation. That is exactly what concern tr 0 lling is.

            Do you people not know anything about the internet here??

          • Anonymous

            Omg I am not concern trolling. She said “help me get past my knee jerk reaction that this isn’t healthy” and I don’t think she should! Her instincts are good!

        • Anon

          Not 3:31, but I think you need to learn the definition of tr0lling. this is not it

          • Anon

            *Concern* tr 0 lling is a different thing, and yes, I am using it correctly. TYVM.

    • Anon

      Check out the intermittent fasting subreddit, there are lots of people there who do IF on a regular basis in different ways for spiritual, health and/or weight loss reasons. It’s not disordered eating if you stick to proper calorie and nutrition targets – there are many studies that show intermittent fasting can be healthier for you in many ways (ex. not exceeding a certain weekly calorie deficit for weight loss to achieve 1-2lbs per week loss). However, I haven’t seen a study that tests the benefits of 24hr fasting. Most point to 16:8 or 14:10 fasting (fast 16 or 14 hrs, generally overnight, eat for a 8 to 10 hr window) or the 5:2 fasting method (5 days regular calorie intake, two days severe calorie restriction (think 500 or 800 calories for that day), generally not two days in a row).

      Warning, the subreddit is r / intermittentfasting. There is another subreddit r / fasting that is a **itshow of disordered eating.

    • IF fan

      I’ve done IF for over a year but never 24 hours. I don’t personally think that could work for me and even the idea of it makes me feel queasy. However, I consistently do 18 hour fasts (stop eating at 8 pm, eat again around 2 pm and then eat again around 7 pm) without a problem, I don’t think about it much anymore.

      You can always gradually work your way up to it if that would help. Also, not sure how often you should do 24 hour fasts, I suspect not that often? Maybe no more than once a week? Not sure. On the IF reddit homepage, there are a bunch of people who do OMAD (one meal a day). I would probably start there before doing a 24 hour fast altogether.

    • Miss

      I do 24-hour fasts. So I eat dinner every day but only have lunch every other day (I’ve never been a breakfast person and only eat it on Saturdays). I think not being in the habit of eating breakfast made it easier for me. And I sometimes skip lunch anyway if I’m really busy. I focus on eating a very healthy balanced meal on my pre-fast days (like fish with brown rice and broccoli as opposed to pasta or something that might not hold me over as well). You can read the Obesity Code to learn more about intermittent fasting.

      It works for me and I find it easy to follow. I tried the 5:2 diet for a while and thought it was torture to count 500 calories for two days and felt like I was picking up unhealthy habits. With 24-hour fasting I have to do a better job of planning my dinners but everything else is super easy and I’m saving tons of money by not snacking.

      • Coach Laura

        To add to the reply from “Miss” the 5:2 book by Michael Mosley explains why short fasts aren’t unhealthy and he indicates that some people have good success with 24 hour fasts. Like Miss says, limiting eating to one (very small 500 calorie) meal a day may make some people crazy and just not eating at all might stress them less. So YMMV but take a look. He also has a free website that is free and helpful – thefastdiet[dot]co[dot]uk (yes, co not com).

    • Anonymous

      Yes! I started Dr. Kellyanne’s Bone Broth diet over 2 months ago which involves two 24 hour fasts on non-consecutive days each week. Please note, this is more of a fast-mimicking fast than a true fast since you are allowed to drink bone broth on fast days. I never thought that I would enjoy fasting but now I can’t imagine not having at least one 24 hour fast day per week.

      I do recommend waiting until you are in a fat adaptive state (ketosis) before trying your first 24 hour fast. It really helps balance our your cravings and feelings of aggression/starvation.

  11. Anonymous

    For people who have wide forefeet and narrow ankles, what are your favorite sneakers? Any slip ons that you don’t walk out of?

  12. Preggo

    35 weeks pregnant and taking a couple of 3 day weekends coming up. What would you do to pamper yourself? I’m going to book a prenatal massage and haircut, maybe get a mani/pedi. Then probably just sleep and watch TV. Anything else I should do with the last of my me-time for the foreseeable future? Wish I could day drink and eat good cheese!

    • Anonymous

      Update your address book — as a parent, you will now do things like send out xmas cards, etc. that you maybe need a refresh on. We started with our wedding invite list but then had to (sadly) cross of people who had died, etc.

        • Anonymous

          Right? I actually stopped after kids because I didn’t have time to deal with it. Hope to restart soon.

        • Anonymous

          No, but the mail volume will mushroom, often needing to send thank you notes to great-aunt edna for the bib she monogrammed for your baby, etc. And people expect pictures, school pictures, 3-6-9-12 month pictures. It is a joy, but I could use a personal secretary sometimes. :)

          I’m the 3:47 OP and swear I sent out xmas cards as a singleton (and write letters to my non-emailing older relatives).

          Also, your kids will eventually write their own thank you notes (even if it is a scribbed picture that you write “Thank you for the train.” and send to their nana).

        • Anonymous

          I had the opposite thought– LOL like I’m going to start sending xmas cards when I have kids.

      • anon

        This is a task I have to do yearly. I try to do it in October/November before I’m sending out cards. Some of my friends are nomads, it seems.

    • anon

      Get the pedi closer to your due date. I loved having pretty toes (on my super swollen feet, ha!) in the hospital, especially at a time when I didn’t feel so pretty.

    • Jules

      Go to an actual movie in a theater, or to a play; you will not be able to enjoy those things for a while once you have an infant. And I at least did nothing but watch TV, it seemed, when DS was a newborn and seemed to never, ever sleep and only want to nurse. So maybe save all the shows you’ve been wanting to watch for after the baby arrives.

    • Anon

      I’d go to all the movies you want to see in theaters.

      I love going to a movie all by myself and not sharing my popcorn. :)

    • Anonymous

      I would make sure that your bedroom and your living room are clean and tidy and uncluttered. With both of my babies, I spent a lot of time sitting in an armchair feeding the baby and was basically trapped in that chair, looking at things like the pile of mail in the corner or the unfinished project or the dust bunnies – and it drove me crazy because I was too tethered to the chair to stand up and fix it. I found it very comforting to come home to a really clean, uncluttered space.

    • lawsuited

      Go and see a movie! Go see a play! Go do everything that requires quiet and sitting in one spot because those things are not possible with a newborn.

  13. Anonymous

    I’ve rejoined private practice from the government, and I’m reaching out to contacts (personal, work) who could be potential clients in my field. Are there any resources and models for prospective client communications online? I want to strike the right tone, and I’m not used to “selling” myself – so could really use some nuts and bolts guidance. Thanks in advance!

  14. anon

    Fall shopping help, please!

    I’m looking for a new work coat that is comfortable and warm for temps between 20-45 degrees. This would replace a black wool peacoat that has seen better days. I’ve never loved the peacoat and bought it because that seems to be the standard coat for professionals in my office. I find it fussy, scratchy and not warm enough in windy conditions. (Which is like … every day in the Midwest.) The past few years I’ve worn my reliable North Face puffer a lot even though it’s very sporty looking because it’s so much more comfortable. Comfort counts for a lot in late fall/early winter. ;)

    Is a professional-looking puffer even a thing? I would prefer a coat with a zipper rather than buttons, too.

  15. Voter Registration Q

    Help me out here – I’m feeling nuts.

    I lived in State A 3 years ago. State A candidates keep contacting me. So I checked State A’s directory and I’m still listed as a voter.

    I’ve been registered to vote in State B since the first week I arrived and got my driver’s license and changed my plates and all that.

    It’s always been my understanding that the states handle voter registration between themselves. When you go to DMV and they ask if you want to register to vote, you check yes, and the form asks where you were previously registered and says they’ll send a notice to your old elections board notifying them to take you off their rolls.

    I’ve lived in 10 states in the 20 years I’ve been voting, and I swear this is how it’s done, but the lady in the elections office in State A 1) acted like no one in the history of time had ever asked how to de-register and yet 2) kept insisting that they wouldn’t know if I had moved if I hadn’t personally sent them a certified letter telling them as such. (You can’t be baffled and bossy at the same time.)

    I swear it would have entered my consciousness at some point as I was moving around the country if sending certified letters was a thing you had to do to change your voter registration. So am I accidentally registered to vote in 10 states??

    • Anon

      That’s super weird of State A. I think you’re right. I currently live in State 1 and very, very shortly after I registered to vote here, I got a letter from State 2 asking if I wanted to basically cancel my voter registration there, since they’d noticed I’d registered somewhere else.

      Plus, most states remove people automatically from voter rolls if they haven’t participated in any elections in a certain amount of time. (I won’t get into how this rule can be used to marginalize people.)

      Anyway, as long as you haven’t actually been voting in more than one state at the same time I think you’re golden!

      • Anon2

        +1

        My state removes you from the rolls after you do not vote in two consecutive presidential elections.

    • Anonymous

      +1

      My state removes you from the rolls after you do not vote in two consecutive presidential elections.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – I actually just ask State A candidate to take me off their mailing list. And not worry about whether State A still has me listed.

    • Anonymous

      The state I grew up in – and haven’t lived in for 20 years – still sends stuff to me at my parents’ address. I’ve been registered in at least 3 different states since then. Never had an issue with any other state – but then again I’ve never kept a working address anywhere else so who knows!

    • Candidate

      I was registered in my home state for years after I graduated college. In fact, my parents de-registered me in 2016 when they were taking my brother to update some paperwork, I think? I think Anon at 4:05 has the salient point, it’s only a crime if you actually vote twice.

      • Anon

        Weird that your parents were able to do that for you! And maybe a little concerning . . .

    • Anon.

      It is very possible that you are still on multiple voter registration lists. I did not realize I was still on the voter rolls in State A (while now a resident of State D more than a decade later) until a jury summons arrived at my parents’ house.

    • Anonymous

      Yes that’s how it works, but some states are super slow about it. I’ve been sent absentee ballots from two states for the same election before, because it hadn’t gone through State 1’s system that I’d registered to vote in State 2.

    • Anon

      Theoretically this is how it should work (State B informs State A, who then removes you from their rolls) but in actuality, it almost never works like that. Sometimes State B never sends notices to other states. Or State B only send notices once a year. Or State A could take a year to process all of the removals that they receive from 49 other states. I haven’t lived in my previous state for almost 10 years AND I asked them to remove me from their rolls and I still got a notice from them this year telling me that, because I haven’t voted there in X years, they would remove me from their rolls if I didn’t confirm that I still lived there.

      Like others have said, it’s only a problem if you vote twice or vote where you don’t live.

    • Anonymous

      I had a similar experience a few months ago, when my old county called me for jury duty, which only a registered voter would be eligible for. I’m all straight with DMV and have voted in several elections in new state.
      Like Candidate posted above, my parent went in and fixed it in old county. I think maybe I scribbled and signed a handwritten letter just saying I reside in new state now? But I only visit on weekends, so they carried it in for me. (Ironically, very convenient, since they work in they elections office).

  16. Anonymous

    Can we do a survey about health insurance plans (through an employer) – what do you have to pay, how much is your deductible, do you get anything in HSA?

    I have to pay $1000/year in premiums, and then I have a $3500 deductible, so in a year when I have a lot of medical expenses, I have to pay $4500 out of pocket before I get any insurance coverage. My employer gives me $600 in HSA, so it’s actually only $3900 out of my pocket. Still seems like a lot to me, so I wonder if other people could share their situation for data points.

    • Anonymous

      Premiums = $0
      Deductible = $500
      No HSA

      I work in oil and gas though, and this industry is known for providing ridiculous health insurance benefits.

    • Anonymous

      Family plan with Cigna, $4k in network deductible/ $8k out of network. Employer covers the premium so I don’t know what it is. We try to keep at least 2x the in-network deductible in the acct- basically we pay into our HSA what we would owe in premiums under the employer’s PPO plan.

    • Anonymous

      I have a much higher premium and a much lower deductible. Out of pocket I pay about $3000/year, not including co-pays or coinsurance.

    • Anon

      Low premium high deductible – $60/mth premium for two people (employer covers vast majority of monthly premium), $3000 deductible before ANY insurance kick in (ie no co-insurance) except for preventative care (thanks Obama! – in a good way), HSA up to $3000 deductible automatically deducted from check. It is a lot, but doesn’t feel like it since the money never goes into my account. $10k yearly out of pocket maximum (which takes a lot to get to once insurance kicks in). Major multinational

    • Anon

      We pay $1K a month in premiums for me, my husband and our 1 kid (but more kids won’t change the cost) – note that this is the “cheaper” open access HMO plan (the single rate would be $400 a month for me). The high-deductible plans would run $10 a month cheaper, so not even remotely worth it; the full-blown PPO would be $200 a month more. Each of us has a $200 deductible (and a $400 family deductible), with an individual out of pocket max of $2500 and a family out of pocket max of $5,000. That being said, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at what was covered and the ease in which it was covered – I had four in-patient hospital stays last year (including two surgeries), and all of our doctors take our plan with no issues. But I try not to think about the costs too much, because they are atrocious.

    • Anonymous

      Is there an out of pocket cost in addition to your deductible? Such that your insurance kicks in after the deductible, but you still pay part of the cost until you hit the OOP.

      Your math is that you’d pay $85 to $325/month for health insurance. As someone who paid 50% of her premium (before considering the deductible, my share was about $300), that actually seems pretty reasonable.

      • OP

        Once my deductible kicks in I only have to pay 10% co-insurance, so very little. OOP max is $7k (plus premiums) but I rarely hit that because the bills are so small after I meet the deductible. I didn’t even hit it when I gave birth.

    • Anon

      That does seem high to me.

      Premiums are fully paid for by my employer; $500/per person in network deductible. This reminds me that I need to set up an HSA.

    • Anonymous

      For me and my spouse on a high deductible plan, it is $2650 in premiums with $1000 contribution by employer to HSA. Deductible = $3600/$5600 in/out-network; then 80% covered up until out-of-pocket maximum of $10,000/$15,000 in/out.

    • Anonymous in Texas

      I work in Oi & Gas for a Fortune 50 Company. I pay $1100 a year for coverage for myself and my husband. We have a $2800 deductible and the Company gives me $750 a year in an HSA. Obviously I’m not complaining.

    • Anon

      My work is considered to have good benefits. Coverage for the employee is free, with $20 copay for most services. For hospitalization it is $150 copay and 10% coinsurance.

      However, covering my kids and husband would cost $4000-$5000 per year in premiums. So clearly they only want to cover the employee.

      My husband definitely has good benefits. He works for a hospital. His premiums for family coverage are around $100 per month for him and the kids. His plan does not have a copay but pays a percentage, so we get relatively small bills for our share in the mail a month or so after visits.

      My annual deductible is $250 for in network and $750 for out of network. My out of pocket max is $2500 per year for in network and $7500 per year out of network.

      My husband’s insurance has a $250/person and $500/family annual deductible. I don’t know his out of pocket maxes.

      I have a HSA at my work that is quite generous but very difficult to actually get any money out of.

    • Anonymous

      Global publicly traded company ~75k employees. Single person, no dependents.

      High deductible plan
      ~$60 premium per pay period
      $2k deductible
      $4k out of pocket max
      70/30 co-insurance between deductible and OOPM
      After OOPM everything is “free”
      I contribute to my HSA but the company does not

      The cheapest I can get my daily antidepressant for in Generic form is $660/90 days. Sigh.

    • Coach Laura

      HSA accounts are really an unsung bonanza. They are like 401Ks in that you can take the unused balance with you when you leave your employer. The maximum contribution is $3,450 per individual, $6,850 for family in 2018. And if you’re over 55 you can make catch up deductions of an extra $1000 per year and there is no limit on income or anything like that.

      Financial advisors say to contribute the max to the HSA but use your post-tax money as much as possible as the HSA is more beneficial after retirement to pay for health care costs. Therefore it’s a way to get additional retirement savings above the 401K annual contribution maximum. You can also use the money for non-health care costs after age 65 but will have to pay taxes on it.

      • Amy H.

        But you can’t have an HSA unless you also have a high-deductible health plan (HDHP). So people posting who have $250 or $500 deductibles are not eligible.

    • lemon

      State gov: about $1,500 yr in premiums, $8k deductible, $2,500 in employer-funded HSA.

    • anon

      I am on the student insurance plan through my graduate program. Premium is $3800 annually + $200 deductible. It works out well for me since the coverage is great for my specific (expensive) medical needs, but it does seem like a higher premium/deductible combo than most people I know are paying.

  17. Anon

    Anyone else concerned with the “I’m special and rules don’t apply to me” tone this site has been taking lately? I almost get whiplash between the “oh woe is me, people are so rude they didn’t come to my party” and the next comment being “you don’t have to answer to anyone, no one matters more than you, self-care honey” (esp. annoying when someone is extra stressed from a normal life event and they are actually just sensitive). The hypocrisy of the women here is astonishing.

    • Senior Attorney

      Heh it’s not just lately.

      I choose to assume it’s just different people with different viewpoints, not the same people being all hypocritical.

    • Anon

      I’m trying to figure out who the second half of your comment is about. Are you saying the women who are trying to figure out how to deal with their own histories of sexual assault are just being sensitive?

      Mitch McConnell, I didn’t know you read this site!

    • ER

      I agree with Senior Attorney —- but then I have never been a fan of this “self care” business.

    • anon

      “The hypocrisy of the women here is astonishing.”

      Way to try to start a conversation with a good attitude! What are you expecting to hear? “Yeah, we’re really all huge self-obsessed jerks. Thanks for pointing it out! You’re so right!!”

      Look, it’s an anonymous board and at this point very few people even have regular handles. You have no idea whether it’s the same person espousing hypocritical ideas or.. different people. Moreover, no one who advocates for self-care also advocates for ditching your friends at the last minute…. I mean, are you one of the people invited to that poster’s party who didn’t show? Real talk, it’s rude to bail at the last minute. It’s not rude to RSVP “no” when the invitations are sent out. This really isn’t complex.

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