Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Twist-Front Sheath
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m absolutely swooning over this Tanya Taylor twist-front sheath. I have seen literally thousands of black sheath dresses in my lifetime, so I’m hard to impress, but this one is really doing it for me.
The shape is beautiful, the twist-front is in the exact right spot, and the midi length looks perfectly of-the-moment. If you’ve already reached your quota of black dresses, this one also comes in cream.
The dress is $495 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 0-14. (The brand actually has several cute work dresses with twist details, including stripey ones.)
If you like the twisty-type detail, here are some other options:
Sales of note for 1/22/25:
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
- Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
- DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off
My daughter been eager to try babysitting (this summer she is finally a teen but too young to work real (jobs you get a W-2 from) jobs). A woman in our neighborhood wanted her to sit, send me dozens of texts, then cancelled last minute because the kid had gotten an offer that morning to go to a water park with friends.
When we used sitters, we used professionals from their daycare who could drive. I also always paid even if I cancelled (probably 25% of the time because someone was always getting sick). And there is no way I’d not pay at the end of a job (per neighborhood scuttlebut, a LOT of adults flake on paying kids same-day or also adjust times in the fly, including once the kid is already there).
I am glad that my kids want to work and they are giving this woman one more chance. [There has been some more back and forth along the same flavor.]. I want to make sure I have the right norms because I’m not at all eager for a girl to become just another exploited worker:
1. An adult can text me or us but not my kid solo.
2. If they aren’t somewhere easily safely walkable, especially at night, we need a plan for a sober driver to drive her home. If she is at all uncomfortable, she will call me and I will get her (and that may be the last time working for you).
3. If they don’t have cash they can Venmo or Zelle me but not paying will get you off the list of people worth our family’s time.
I guess this was seamless when I was a kid. Now, why is everything a discussion about boundaries?
I babysat back in the 70s and it was a constant battle to get paid (50 cents an hour) and make sure the dad was both sober and not handsy and able to drive us home. There were plenty of couples where my Dad insisted he drop us off and pick us up because the male half of the clients had reputations. I guess the texting is the only thing new.
I’m going to add that I do think that babysitting is a great way for a teen to make some cash, and learn how to stand up for herself in business. Role play with your daughter various situations, like they don’t pay when they get home, or she arrives and there is an extra kid or something they expect her to do in addition to baby sit.
Your list of norms seems reasonable to me. You may wish to have your kid establish the hourly rate and whether they have Venmo/Zelle up front. Then when the job is done you can send a request for payment to avoid the “I forgot.”
When I was tutoring a few years ago, I ran into the “I forgot” a lot until I started sending the request to the parent as soon as the session was over (I used to tutor at the public library. Sometimes the kid would stay for awhile or walk home so I didn’t always see the parent in person).
(1) We text our sitter solo; I met her mom at work and exchanged numbers with her mom, who then facilitated the connection with her daughter. They both have my number.
(2) We (I) drive both ways. Her mother drove her to our house the first time she sat for us. Husband is 100% a good guy but he said to me and I agreed that we should not even put her in a position where she might have to calculate whether he is a good guy.
(3) We always pay cash in full at the end of the night. We book the largest window we might reasonably need (say, 4 hours) even if we know we will likely be home a little sooner (say, 3 or 3.5 hours) and pay for the window we booked. We like the flexibility and it’s a small bonus for her.
(But now I’m thinking back to when I sat for a family in the 90s. No cell phones; they called the house line. They always paid in cash in full at the end of the night. I think they were much more precise than we are about knowing the length of their dates. Before I could drive myself, my parents always drove me there and the kid’s dad always drove me home. I never thought to worry about him driving me although he worked with my dad so my parents had prior knowledge and trust of him; I”m sure they wouldn’t have allowed it if they thought he was a creep.)
“Cash in full at the end of the night” – actual cash (paper bills) handed to the babysitter directly is good here for so many reasons. Most important: babysitter learns how to handle money, what money really means and looks like, what to do with it, in a tangible way. Venmoing to the babysitter’s parent makes it too abstract for the babysitter to learn anything. Lots of social science research data supports this approach.
I totally agree. Many adults do t bother to think it through though, like what other bills do you not bother with? Just the ones due to kids?
I think you’d be surprised. I am continuously shocked that people at my barn do not pay their board bills, other show/lesson bills, or the farrier on time (or leave checks as is the case for the farrier). It’s mind blowing to me. These people are trying to run businesses!!
Monday morning and I’m already “ugh, people.” People scr3w the little people b/c it’s easier and we don’t report it to your credit bureaus.
It’s not just little people. People just aren’t that competent. Our day care consistently cashes our checks 2-4 months after we pay them. And this isn’t some tiny operation- they have multiple locations and a dedicated person for invoices and billing.
lol, it goes this way everywhere it seems. My large, government-ish employer has many layers of red tape, so that I need to ask a different department to pay invoices on behalf of my department. After asking my point of contact ‘can you confirm that this has been paid?’ FOUR times, she replied ‘oh, that kind of invoice I can’t pay for you, please ask that other department’. Meanwhile the invoice is from 3 months ago, but I guess we are too big of an organization that anyone would ever come after us for late payments? It boggles the mind.
I completely agree.
Fewer and fewer people use cash these days. I can’t remember the last time an office collection was done with cash. Cash or a venmo request will probably yield better results.
Could she or you draw up a list of guidelines and text the client beforehand!
Eg X hours babysitting window
Rate per hour Y
Total Z to be paid when she leaves
Number of kids: A
That kind of thing.
Once they agree, then she goes to babysit
Just reminiscing about my babysitting days, between ‘99-05. I made a ton of money babysitting for people staying at resorts in my hometown. My first wage negotiation happened after a mom with four kids under 8 (two with special medical needs) paid me $10 total for five hours. I still remember writing my notecard with X kids = $x/hour, Y kids = $x2/hour, etc. I definitely texted on my own but I could see how that has changed.
I think it is possibly rightly different with a kid of 13 vs a kid old enough to drive. Maybe also with more known parents or over time.
I babysat a lot at that age. Most of my jobs were walking distance in the neighborhood, but any time it was driving distance, my parents picked me up so that I would never face, as a tween, the awkward task of not only evaluating the sobriety or bad vibes that the other parents had, but telling them ‘no thanks’ to the ride home and then having to wait.
I never had problems with people not paying but since we all went to the same school district, it would have been hard to hide.
I wish I had you as a mom when I was a teen in the late 80s and early 90s. I think of how often i probably had a drunk driver and it makes me sick. One family never paid me the same day or paid me in a ridiculous amount of coins. I was always doing dishes and vacuuming and cleaning cat boxes without pay. Their kid always had the whole neighborhood over. One of the reasons I am child free as an adult is the miserable summers I spent babysitting for horrendous families as a teen. I needed an adult to step in and cap hours, too. I grew up poor, so I was working equivalent to a full time job for weeks on end and often doing sit ups at night to stay awake. Getting a real job was such a blessing when I finally was able to.
I am a parent of little kids and use babysitters often. My responses:
1) I completely understand why parents would want to be on the text chains with me, but I text my babysitters solo. I also only hire teens when I know their families very well. My neighbor’s teen daughter, however, hates being texted by a dad b/c — as was perfectly put up above – she is always wondering if he’s a good guy or not.
2) Work with your daughter to put her hourly rate up front. After someone texts her for the first time, respond back with a little (pre-typed) three or four line statement: “I have X years of experience caring for kids from 12 months to 4 years. I love kids, and always bring new toys and games for them to play with. My hourly rate is $X/hr for 2 children.”
3) If she isn’t paid at the end of the job, have her send a venmo request. I was guilty of forgetting, but I now know from my sweet neighbor how much kids HATE this, and it’s so annoying for them to have to send a follow up note a few days later.
4) again from my teen neighbor – certain families have adults who are always coming home late and/or drunk. If she has a late job, I would put a very clear plan in place for pick-ups – for instance, my neighbor will have her brother or dad wait in a car at the house at the appointed pick up time, or she can just turn down these jobs.
On our end, we won’t hire teens for late jobs and/or when we will be drinking. We had one neighbor sit b/c I could walk her home, but I hated the feeling when I’d had a drink or two and was making small talk with a young neighbor.
This is a great script! As a mom I’d love to see it, it gives me confidence in who I’m hiring too. I’ve used maybe 8 sitters and no one has ever told me a rate, some even say “oh whatever you think is fair” c’mon ladies!
Yes! I have encouraged our sitters to name their rates (perhaps against my own interest) because they need to practice! Start with me, I’m the safest space available for you to practice confident negotiating.
I babysat a lot in the late 00s and early 10s. I definitely communicated with the parents directly but I believe it was only moms scheduling with me. I remember putting up flyers in my neighborhood about babysitting. My best friend lived in the neighborhood and we shared a lot of families; we were also the only two local babysitters so if any thing inappropriate happened these parents would have lost their only two options.
I think I almost entirely babysat for families in my neighborhood (so I could walk there and walk home) or for people I knew (my cousin is 5 years younger and I babysat for a lot of her friends, my parents’ coworkers kids, family friends kids, etc).
I never had an issue with getting paid (likely because everyone knew everyone). It is nice having the Venmo option now if a parent doesn’t have cash. I think I had parents occasionally write me checks when they didn’t have enough cash (and I always had a checking account).
Just another thought, I baby sat a few kids at a pretty young age. My parents coordinated the timing, my payment, etc. When I was young they also only offered for me to baby sit if I could babysit in our own home. So parents would drop off.
If anything serious were to ever happen (it never did), one of my parents was nearby to assist. Until kiddo is older, maybe this might be a good option?
Gosh as a parent of youngish kids, I would only consider this if I was desperate. Between having to avoid any times when the kids should otherwise be sleeping (cause I’m not transferring a sleeping kid home), worrying about if your house has enough for them to do and/or snacks/food they like to eat (am I packing a bag?) I would honestly just rather not go out. Maybe for an unavoidable doctors appointment or something where I had literally no other option…
I don’t think it was ever seamless. I remember one babysitting job ending late and the dad driving me home on a motorcycle! Another couple I sat for was having some serious marital and probably financial issues and they started calling me a lot one month to do after school pick ups and random afternoons and the wife always thought the husband should pay but they didn’t always come home together and he’d always forget and it was so awkward by the time I would see him to give him a full accounting – it always seemed like I was charging for too many hours (he’d go “really? 35 hours!?”) that I started to round down and just not getting paid (ugh – still so mad for 14 year old me).
And yes, agree to practice her saying her hourly rate.
I had a couple who would pay by check for “consulting”. I wasn’t old enough to drive yet!
The parents texting you rather than your kid seems unreasonable. As a babysitter in the 2000s, even when I was starting around age 13, I was definitely managing my own “bookings” – including both over the family phone line and my personal email with families I knew well. As a parent now, I would happily work with a young teen who has some rough edges around communication, but would actively not work with a babysitter whom I had to coordinate through their parent. It gives the impression that they are not responsible enough to manage their own work but somehow are responsible enough to keep my children safe. You being a silent participant on a text thread is a little better, but still seems weird to me.
More broadly, I think you may be trying to take too big a role here. Part of the learning experience is your child having to learn these situations directly. Could you turn it back to her as a discussion about what norms she wants to set and role play some of the conversations she might have if they are being tested in the moment (e.g., not getting paid) or what she will do / say if she gets asked to babysit by a family that she doesn’t want to work for?
Part of the problem may be that there aren’t really home #s to call, so adult just text each other (maybe add: initially). I would think that there would eventually be an exchange of numbers so the adult can ready the kid at home with their kid, especially if that house also doesn’t have a home phone.
The norm in my circle is that adults never text a teen without the teen’s parent on the thread. It is for the adult’s protection as much as the teen’s. Dads only give unrelated teens rides with another person in the car (usually the teen kid of the dad).
Yes — my husband would never plan a sitter otherwise b/c he will NOT text any kid, especially a girl, without the parents being aware. And I don’t want to schedule everything myself.
Yes, this is the norm for me too but I think it stems from the Safesport certification I have to have through my sport. The rule is that you cannot communicate with a minor without another adult on the communication, so usually a parent is copied on emails and texts. I had a 17-year old leasing my horse and she and I only texted with her mom on the text thread too.
I got it from scouts and Safesport too. So many kids are involved in scouts or sports that I can’t believe any parent would blink at a request to copy the teen’s parent, unless the kids being babysat are too young for extracurriculars and the parents have never encountered this requirement? Among my peers it is often the adult texting the teen, not the teen’s parent, who insists that a parent be copied. No one wants to be accused of being creepy.
We use babysitters and we always text the teenage sitter directly. I also think it is their job to get home. They shouldn’t accept a job if they can’t make those arrangements. Our first choice babysitter lives down the street and my husband does walk her home though.
What if the kid doesn’t drive? You rely on them to have a sober parent at home every weekend evening? Waiting for you to come home? That sounds like a total drag IMO. I get why it is a problem to find a sitter and most people use adults (community college students are popular here for that reason).
That’s pretty callous of you. Babysitters deserve a ride home. It’s usually late at night
That is why our first choice sitter is a neighbor. I agree that it isn’t my job to provide someone transportation to their job. They don’t have to take the job if they can’t get there.
Wow – this is really lazy of you. Yes, please just stick with babysitters you can walk home.
I am one of the people who tutored as an adult and made a killing at it. Everyone paid me same day and I see no reason why babysitting would be any different.
I babysat a lot in the early 2000s for my parents’ friends. Many of my younger brother’s friends were the oldest kid in the family, so I was 13-15 and babysitting kids that were in early elementary. Frequently, the parents were going out to dinner with my parents so they would all come back together to the house and pick me up. These were also all families that were genuinely friends with my parents so trust/payment was never an issue.
However… I have found out as an adult that one of the moms I babysat for was using me to babysit while she had an affair (unknown to me). She would call the house phone during the summer when I was home and ask if she could pick me up, etc., for the afternoon and then take me home before my parents got home from work. The first few times she did this she went through my mom, so I think I just assumed she was going through my mom for all the other times because I didn’t know better.
I’m fine with 2 and 3. But one doesn’t make sense to me. If your child is not responsible enough to engage in the required back and forth to set up a babysitting job, how are they responsible enough to watch a child? If I got that demand from a babysitter’s parent, it would tell me that they parent didn’t trust them to engage in all of the aspects of babysitting and I would not use them as a babysitter.
I probably agree with this. I think asking to be included could be okay (and don’t participate) if you frame it as you just wanting to make sure that no other activities are interfered with but if I had to go thru a middleman to schedule a sitter I would probably not do it very often, if at all.
On-going, OK; but initially, I want everyone to be on the same page (and often parents just don’t give out a kid’s number even if you ask; even with a veteran sitter kid, when want to make sure you understand their ground rules and then you get looped in a group text with the parent). Some kids politely fire some known problematic parents (won’t let kid have any screen time, you must take on long walks, there are chores and a dog to walk and nonpayment is common) by always being too busy, so you don’t want a bad person getting your kid’s # and bothering them b/c all other kids in the ‘hood won’t take jobs there anymore.
I can see how all of those things could be problems, but it’s something for the babysitter to deal with. They are always free to go to their parents for advice.
The truth is that I’m not going to hire a babysitter to watch my kids if I have to coordinate with their parents. Babysitting is a lot of responsibility. If they can’t do the easy work of coordinating jobs, why would I trust that they could handle an emergency or even basic issues that may come up?
Aren’t there other texting apps that people can use if they want to keep numbers private?
+1 to 12:59. I am not going to rehire if your mom is part of the conversation, absent weird vibes from the family, in which case I would still instruct my kids to just turn down the work. I have hired so many (SO MANY) sitters, and I only had one kid who involved her mom in the conversations and she was a “never again” hire. I have 2 kids from my first marriage, and 1 from my second. I have been “fired” by a sitter after I flaked on her twice, and you know what, I’m still proud of her for doing that (and told her mom how proud I was of her! She graduated from college a year ago, and we still laugh about it). I hate the *kids these days* attitude, but seriously, if you can’t manage your calendar, say a polite but firm no if needed, and handle the financial aspects of the job, I don’t think you should be watching kids.
I babysat a lot as a young teen (mid 90’s). I managed my own bookings, though sometimes my mom’s friends would ask her if I could babysit and she would tell them to call and talk to me. (No cell phones yet lol.) I would tell parents my rate up front and I never was not paid at the end of the night. Often the cash was sitting on the counter already when I got there. I usually got my own ride to the house and usually the mom would give me a ride home at the end of the night. We lived in a big suburban neighborhood and most of the houses were not walking distance, especially late at night. If needed, my mom would pick me up. One of the dads was a little creepy when drunk, but the mom always took me home when I babysat for that family.
1. If a kid is old enough to be left alone with my children, she had better be old enough to handle her own calendar. So, I would not hire someone whose mom had to be involved. Behind the scenes, of course you help, but I would not be on the texts.
2. This is an excellent time for your daughter to learn that working for money is nothing to be ashamed of; encourage her to be up-front about her rate and in asking for payment if it is not immediately forthcoming. I tell my own now-young-adult kids this all the time, and they do not listen to me, either, but I still tell them.
OY, yes, agreed. I hate having to guess a rate. I also had one kid where her mom told me her rate, which was hilariously high for a high school kid for a 7 and 9 year old ($30/hr), and I wanted to tell them both that they missed a huge learning opportunity. I also never hired her again.
Also, as I think about this, I would really dislike having my sitter’s parent on a text chain with me. I’m a den leader in my son’s scout troop, so I understand that it’s protocol to have 2 adults per kid on a text thread, but that’s not a working context. I do think it would undercut my confidence in my sitter to have the parent on the chain. I also like to check in with my sitters when I am out, and I don’t like the idea of a parent being part of those conversations. I might feel differently if it was a dad and a teen girl, or if I hired a pre-teen to be a mother’s helper, but for a sitter who is watching my kids, I probably would move on.
IDK — if I have to be on the hook to fetch my kids when parents are coming home after drinking, it affects my ability to go out on a weekend night (can go to plenty of bars where I can walk home). I want to be essentially CC’d, at least while my kids are younger teens vs when they are older and can drive themselves and are potentially more assertive re nonsense from adults. [OTOH, here, I get the feeling that the OP has some sense that this adult is a bit squirrelly, so maybe some adults are on a shorter leash than others as sitting clients.]
I hear you as the parent of the sitter — I too would want a heads up on timing, etc., as it’s more convenient for me! However, if I’m hiring a sitter, I want to think of my sitter as someone who is independent enough to separately text whoever is going to pick her up to manage her driving schedule. I always give a 20-30 min. heads up that we are en route, and that would let them to know to contact their ride and prep for me to be home, but I don’t want to be part of that conversation :) I’m usually paying a sitter so I don’t have to manage logistics that night. FWIW, I’ve got three kids, aged 11 to 4, and I’ve never included a sitter’s parent for purposes of pick up; for the kids who need a ride, they are separately managing their own transportation. I’m just including this for the OP to understand the optics of this request. As a parent who hires sitters all the time, I wouldn’t love this.
Agreed 100%, however, on putting certain parents on a short leash and ground rules in place for flaky families. Or, a good friend had a teen sitter tell her politely up front that she charged $25 for same day cancellations, so you can have your kid take that script, which we were all impressed with!
Just to gently push back, as a parent who is hiring the teen, I’m not looking to make the teen’s mom’s life more convenient. As the hiring parent, if I’m worried about inconveniencing the teen’s mom, I probably won’t hire that teen in the future.
I think that this is why there aren’t any teen sitters and these jobs have largely gone to adults (college students). In our city, once teens can drive, they have better options than sitting (or if they sit, they are like a good dermatologist and aren’t taking on new clients when you want to become one). And before that, you have to go through a parent to get a kid’s number and then it’s a bit of a game of telephone (initially; we had a sitter with whom I ran it through the mom on our initial engagement and then was 1:1 with teen after that; our kids are now old enough to stay alone except overnight but they have no interest in sitting b/c that kid is pretty frank and they are actually friends now).
The parent should be on the text thread to deter inappropriate communication from the hiring family. The babysitter’s parent doesn’t actually participate in the text conversation. All parents of teens are accustomed to being on text threads with their kids’ coaches and activity leaders, as most organizations prohibit coaches/leaders from texting with kids without a parent on the thread. These days it is the person who insists on not having a parent involved who is a red flag.
Parents are not on any of my text exchanges with either of my teen sitters. In fact, one parent immediately insisted I go directly through their daughter to teach her responsibility. I can see both arguments but I don’t think it’s the norm that you are implying?
This is why I won’t ever hire a teenager. So much easier to hire an adult who can drive themselves home.
+1 – and so much of the post reads as though the person was hiring your whole family. Why not let your child learn where her boundaries are? Maybe she’s fine texting a ton to get to know the family and feel comfortable, even if it doesn’t end up with a job? Or maybe it’s not, but a kid who is old enough to sit is old enough to decide. Also, this jumped out at me: “…people worth our family’s time…” — seems like that’s on your kid to figure out, with guidance from you.
I can’t believe I’m writing this at almost 50 years old because I feel like this type of relationship drama should be in my past, but…I’m currently embroiled in a dating situation that is giving major Ross/Rachel “We were on a break” vibes, and I could use some advice (or harsh criticism if I deserve it).
Me: five years post-divorce, anxious attachment doing lots of work and my best to move toward secure. Two year relationship with avoidant who I love dearly but who requested a break to think. I asked how long he needed (approximate), he did not respond. After some time I said “I’m taking your silence as it’s over”
This weekend I met someone and we started texting. Very casual, just a nice guy. I’m not ready for anything new, obviously…he hasn’t even asked me on a date…just chatting at this point.
Meanwhile, yesterday avoidant made first contact in several days with response to my “it’s over” text saying he wants to talk about it and try to work on things. I asked when he felt he would be ready, but he has not responded. If he’s willing to talk and work on things, I would absolutely keep trying with him. I have done extensive work on myself and I understand the challenges of an avoidant/anxious relationship, and I believe I have the patience and wherewithal to make it work if he can open up and try too. I know it won’t be easy.
But what about my new text buddy? Am I cheating by texting with him? I have a feeling avoidant would think so. But in my mind we were broken up! Should I cut contact with him? Is it ethical to keep talking to him until I hear from avoidant? I can’t believe this is where I’m at.
I went through this in my forties. Do yourself a favor and leave Mr. Avoidant. There is a better match for you around the corner. I promise. And it will be a joy with Mr. Better Match, not a slog like it is with Mr. Avoidant.
Agree.
after 2 years together, Avoidant asking for a break and then being wishy washy about next steps says to me he’s not making much progress and you should cut your losses.
Ding ding ding ding ding! This is the correct answer.
OP, you’re settling for scraps, here. Don’t settle for scraps. You deserve better. You can slow fade Mr. Avoidant and see where things go with this new person, or you can just keep looking around. But you are worth more than this and I hope you see that.
Now, before you drunkenly marry him in Vegas and he pretends to have filed the divorce papers.
Agree also. You can be in a happy healthy relationship that takes way less work.
This. I wouldn’t bother trying to make anything work with Mr Avoidant. That’s the lesson I learned dating in my 20s and 30s, it’s. It you, it’s him and it’s not a good match. Break up and go out with text guy and save yourself all the angst.
*it’s NOT you, it’s him (sorry! Typo!)
I LOVED avoidant men, or otherwise unavailable men, until I was about 31 years old. About to move away in 3-9 months? I’ll date you, semi-seriously, enough so that we both get attached enough to make this painful. Co-worker? Come on down. Not yet ready to move on from your ex of 6 years? That’s fine, I’ll date you in the mean time, even though you’re clearly not ready to commit. We have such a great connection and you’re a great guy.
IT SUCKS, even though the highs are so high.
And eventually, I realized I wanted more for myself. And I met a guy who is available and not avoidant. And it’s great. Now that I’ve had this experience, I can’t imagine ever tolerating the avoidant type again. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You’re either capable of being with me or you’re not. That’s just as much of a criteria for being in a relationship with me as everything else. I’ve done the work on myself, and that’s all I can control. I cannot control whether someone else makes the necessary progress to be with me, and I’m not willing hinge my happiness on something that is so far out of my control.
Don’t waste time with avoidant guy.
Also, you’re not cheating on him because you’re not even dating/sleeping with another person. You’re way way way overthinking this.
+1
There is a difference between avoidant and immature/emotionally unavailable.
What’s the time frame on all this? How much time between “I need to think” and your text “it’s over then” and you meeting the other guy. Has this all be mere days or are there weeks in-between here? I’m not concerned about your ross/rachel thing, but about whether you’re letting anything about this settle or whether you and Mr. Avoidant are ricocheting around reacting to each other.
A relationship is not exclusive unless all parties agree it is. To me, taking a break means that the relationship is not an active relationship and not exclusive. You may have a different understanding. Is it your understanding that you are in an exclusive relationship with someone who doesn’t want to see you, is a sporadic communicator, and who is unresponsive to important questions?
If the guy said “Let’s take a break for two weeks then check in” I think it’s reasonable not to date other people. But this guy won’t give you a timeline so what are you supposed to do, stay off the market indefinitely until he makes up his mind? He won’t commit to you so you owe him nothing.
Why are you trying to hang onto a guy who just told you he’s not sure about you and refuses to speak to you? “Hey TimBob, no need to chat. After 5 years it hurt to get semi broken up with and then have no communication from you. This isn’t what I want in a relationship so it’s over. Best of luck to you.”
Here is what I would tell you if I were your friend IRL: you deserve better than getting the runaround from Mr. Avoidant. You’ve been trying to make this work for two years. It’s not. I know dealing with the push-pull of your relationship with Mr. Avoidant is comfortable at this point and maybe even feels in some way safe (in the way that unhealthy situations can start to feel safe because at least you know how they will play out), but you need to let this go and take the risk of moving into a life without him. The way you do that is cold turkey: no “talking,” no “working on things.” Let him go as if he died, mourn that fully, and move on.
I am divorced myself, have many divorced friends, and have observed that it is SUPER common for people to end up in this sort of dragged out, not really functional, not quite relationship post-divorce, and it is typically because you don’t value yourself enough to realize that you can and should have something better than this.
Agree, and sticking with him is just a recipe for a second divorce eventually.
After two years together, Mr. Avoidant doesn’t even have the courtesy to respond to your messages about whether you’re broken up? Unless he was in a coma, it doesn’t sound like he’s being considerate of your feelings or time – repeatedly. And to me that just doesn’t say he’s willing to open up and work on this. He’s still barely responsive to you! Why can communication only be on his terms? Stay with him if you want, but assume it won’t improve.
FWIW I’d consider myself broken up with and keep chatting with New Guy with a clear conscience. Have a final conversation with Mr. Avoidant if you feel the need but it sounds like he’ll end up blaming you anyway even though this all could have been avoided if he was willing/able to meet you halfway at any point.
I agree for the most part – you owe Mr. Avoidant nothing at this point, it’s not cheating, you’re fine. Also mostly agree that you should probably just move on. He sounds like a bucket of issues you won’t ever escape.
But will throw in that if you don’t want to move on yet and want to talk to him a few more times to see what develops, you still owe him nothing at this point! Continue texting with text buddy, live your life, Mr. Avoidant can shape up or ship out, but he doesn’t get to to claim exclusivity while he takes 3 days to answer messages by stringing you along.
I totally agree! You are worth more than waiting several days between texts for answers to perfectly reasonable questions. You owe Mr. Avoidant nothing until he shows he’s ready and serious.
Also it feels like a continuation of avoidant behavior that he’s stringing you along via text instead of having a real phone or face to face about this.
You do not need to be Mr. Avoidant’s self-help partner. Cut your losses and move on to Mr. Already Improved.
+1
This. Avoidant Guy sounds exhausting and not likely to change.
A 2 year relationship is long enough to know if someone is a long-term match. He decided it isn’t. That means you now have the leeway to go find someone who is a great match for you! I think you should block avoidant or otherwise go no contact. Why are you spending time and energy on him, if he can’t give you what you want, need, and deserve?
This.
+1
I dated someone once who casually mentioned that he thought 6 months was long enough to know if you were in love with someone or not. I was skeptical of such a precise timeline, but about 5 months later, I realized he was right and that it was long enough to know that things were too hard with him (even though I liked him a lot in some ways). I ended things with him and immediately after met my now-husband. Within 6 months I knew that now-husband and I were going places.
OP, after 2 years, you know that it’s not great, so cut your losses and move on. There’s nothing to discuss with this guy.
(I was in my late 30s and divorced during the above events).
I married my husband within 2 years of meeting him. We got engaged at 14 months and married 6 months later in an intimate ceremony. I knew he was the one about 6 months in.
Avoidant doesn’t get to put you on hold. You aren’t a car with a deposit or an item on layaway! If he wants time to think, you’re free to play the field.
OP here. The advice is unanimous. Thank you! I needed the reality check
Hugs, OP! Good luck with New Guy!!
Great, go find your happiness!
I feel like relationships should be like traveling partners – ideally it’s easy and you want to see many of the same things and have same approach to mishaps along the way. Being wishy washy and avoidant says to me maybe this isn’t the best travel partner for you at this point in time… it should be a lot easier than this.
If you come back two years from now and read this, you’ll easily realize you should have avoided Mr. Avoidant. Healthy relationships don’t leave you feeling “embroiled” and don’t require you to “have the wherewithal to make it work” with their personality. Coping with an avoidant/anxious relationship is just a fancy way of telling yourself you can help fix someone.
Honestly, I would cut the relationship whether you have someone else to text or not and invest more time in realizing the value of having less drama.
I’m assuming you are both in your 40’s or 50’s and he needs time to think? Thank you, next! You’re better alone than with someone who needs to think after 2 years.
Girl, move on. This guy only wants to string you along. Keep dating, keep it moving, lose his number.
Packing up my office to move to a new university and one of my colleagues made me cry by being very lovely about how missed I’ll be (I am leaving to take a job closer to home). Their loveliness helps mitigate the fact that the admin team is being useless and I am having to dumpster dive for boxes to pack up my books.
This is interesting. Where I work, if you go to a competitor, they invoke firing you when you give notice and then pay you the notice period and security boxes up your stuff. People going to clients or “valued” new jobs probably get more leeway (but oddly less assistance). One guy died during lockdown and IDK whatever happened to his personal things — it was all so sad.
Industries are weird. Good luck at your new gig.
Oh academia is really transient and research relationships survive moves. You never know who you’ll end up working with again.
Yeah academia is nothing like that. It’s so collaborative to begin with, it’s assumed you’re sharing work with colleagues at other institutions.
As someone with a friend group which spans academia, state government, and private industry, to say academia is nothing like the corporate world is, IME, an understatement lol
Sorry your admin department isn’t getting you boxes. Liquor stores are usually a good source for book-boxes specifically – smaller and they have handles :)
Good luck at your new role!
This dress looks great but the front slit would be too high for work.
+1
I’m regularly waking up with deep sleep lines on my face – I assume from pillowcase creases and I’ve been waking up contorted a lot more often. The lines stay on my face, across my cheeks in particular, for hours. How do I get these to go away before 10am?
I also have this question! Sometimes a hot shower works but I haven’t found any definitive solution.
You need to hydrate more and then look for products with collagen and hyaluronic acid. I’d also consider a silk pillowcase.
Would a silk pillowcase help?
Silk pillowcases, the kind with a zipper so the fabric doesn’t bunch up. Hydrated skin bounces back faster so make sure you drink enough water throughout the day.
Has your diet changed in any way? This only typically happens to me if I get glutened. But for people who don’t have issues with food intolerance related puffiness, I have heard it can be from water retention from dehydration (e.g., from too much salt or alcohol). I have gone from this being a routine thing to a “few times a year at most” thing, but it comes right back if I am not careful w/my diet.
I use Neutrogena moisturizer and my face/skin has become as soft as a baby’s tuchus. I strongly recommend it b/c you do not get wrinkles or bags under your eyes, even when you sleep like a log!
In the black and bronze color, this actually goes up to size 22 on the tanya taylor website. I’m always surprised when retailers don’t carry a brand’s full size range.
I agree. I know people hate the Kardashians but Khole will not let any store carry her Good American brand if they don’t carry the full size range AND have them all displayed together in the store. I hate that that’s ground breaking but it is.
Has anyone tried both P50 from Biologique Recherche, and Good Genes from Sunday Riley? I see Good Genes getting a lot of recommendations here.
I’m 40, pale skin, main concern is redness. I use P50 (not the 1970 version, the updated one) at night after washing my face and follow with a moisturizer. I’ve used it for a couple of years, and just switched three months ago to P50 PIGM, but I don’t feel it’s an improvement over the other version. Has anyone in a similar situation had success with Good Genes?
P50 is my holy grail product, and my daughter’s as well. I have not tried Sunday Riley Good Genes, so I cannot compare.
I’ve never heard of P50 but I’m fair and Good Genes is a fantastic product for me. I use it once or twice a week.
+1
I would not use Good Genes for redness.
I love Good Genes but not sure it would help with redness. The main benefit I get from GG is my skin looks cleaner and smoother from it, like I just exfoliated a bit, but I don’t know that it would do anything for redness, and might even make it worse?
I have not used p50, but I really love good genes. It helps keep my hormal acne at bay, and i feel like it keeps me somewhat glowy. I don’t think it does anything for redness, but certainly does not make me red. For redness, i find upping my hydration with hylaronic acid based serums, or something designed for redness like the dr jart cicapair serum seem to help more.
My skin is super prone to redness and Good Genes is my go to every night.
I use both. I use the P50 every morning before my serum and then moisturizer, and I use Good Genes once or twice a week at night. I do love how my skin feels the morning after using Good Genes and then a decent moisturizer or sleep mask — always very smooth and fully hydrated. That said, I have dark skin and no redness issues so not sure how they stack up for your particular concerns.
How long after the onset of symptoms is it taking for vaccinated people to test positive for COVID these days? Multiple web searches are not turning up any useful info.
I think it really varies but for me, it took a solid 3 days, 5 days after exposure. PCR test on day 1 of symptoms was negative, as were rapid tests on day 1 and 2. I had very mild symptoms throughout and my positive rapid test on day 3 was very faint.
I had it in July. I tested negative the morning of my first day of symptoms but then got an extremely strong positive on a home test the afternoon of day 2. I never developed anything more than very mild symptoms and I was essentially asymptomatic by day 4, but I continued testing positive for 13 days.
It’s likely to take longer than pre-vax since symptoms (aka your body fighting it off) start earlier than they would have. Anecdata here but I tested + on day 3 of symptoms, negative on day 1.
The incubation period these days in the US/for current US variants is 3-5 days. However, the prevalent variants don’t trip home tests as early as they used to. If you are using home tests, test day one/hour zero, day two/hour 24 and day three/hour 48 (and if you have vulnerable people in the home/office/classroom, assume you are infectious and act accordingly to protect them).
Signed, not looking forward to the Labor Day uptick
I think the incubation period is shorter, or at least has been recently. I had symptoms within 48 hours of exposure and know a lot of people in the same boat.
There’s a new variant that tests positive later. I’m not sure what this webpage is, but the original article I read was behind a paywall for me today, and this wasn’t: https://www.onlymyhealth.com/eris-covid-variant-symptoms-manifest-a-week-before-positive-test-report-1692349167
Three effing weeks. My cold like symptoms were over in about a week but I was exhausted for the next two. Sorry!
Oh shoot sorry, I thought you were asking how long it took to recover!
I showed symptoms late Thursday and didnt test positive until late Saturday.
Over the weekend, I was newly introduced to a European brand KAAI by an IG influencer I follow. They seem to have beautiful leather handbags including a sleek leather tote (with a zip!) that fits up to a 15.6″ laptop. Comes in multiple colors. Design is just different enough to be interesting. Very minimal branding. Thought this might be of interest to someone here!
https://shop.kaai.eu/collections/work-bags/products/pyramid-cognac
Is this just an ad?
I feel like this bag has been posted on here at some point….
I was a semifinalist for a dream job that would be a step up for me in terms of salary and responsibility. I didn’t advance to the final 2. The recruiter called to tell me the news, and she gave some strange feedback. She wasn’t on that particular call (though she had been on 2 with me), and she scolded me that the 2 interviewers said I was reading answers from my cell phone.
This did not happen. I didn’t look at my phone, at all. I do have 2 screens up, and I glance at 1 to take notes as I’ve done in all interviews. I’ve never had a complaint and think this is pretty standard. The recruiter sounded like a teacher chastizing a student. It was bizarre. When I shared that I did not look at or read from my phone, she said the problem was it sounded too scripted.
I was so taken aback. I wasn’t sure if the implication was that I’m reading from notes/screenshots (at best) or have the call on speaker and am reading answers someone is texting me (at worst).
I spoke to a friend who works at that company, and she suggested I write an email to the recruiter and the company HR (who I haven’t interacted with) to formally provide my own feedback that I wasn’t on a phone. I’m not sure that’s the right step. I don’t want to be seen as defensive or a problem in case of future jobs. She also said don’t take it too personally, that maybe the reruiter was reading feedback about another candidate. But I *have* taken it personally, as I value my public speaking skills (I was actually a national speech and debate champion in high school). I can speak off the cuff without using “noise words” (like, um, you know, etc), and I’ve been told I’m very warm and personable, so I don’t think it’s actionable feedback to work with a coach to bee less robotic or scripted. It really just seems out of left field.
How would you handle this?
Let it go and move on. There is nothing to be gained by reaching out to the company to defend yourself. For the future, I’d take a hard look at how you may be coming across on camera, which might be much different than how you come across in person.
+1 to taking a look at how you come across on camera. I recently helped a friend who was interviewing for jobs by Zoom. In person, he is a great speaker, the type to be a speech and debate champion, multi-lingual, poised, etc. By Zoom, we worked a lot on his background, camera placement, lighting (there was a glare on his glasses that made it difficult to see his eyes), timing, sounding conversational, etc. It’s so, so much more difficult to connect with strangers over videoconference. Perhaps not coincidentally, when he did receive an offer, it was for a job where he only had in-person interviews.
OP here – I agree videoconference is a different animal than in person! Tell me more. How did you fix his background? I have my laptop with the camera placed directly in front of me up on a stand so the camera is eye level. My second screen is where I take notes. That’s slightly to my left. How did you change his set up? I usually blur my background because that’s what the recruiters/interviewers also do.
Don’t take notes, that’s super weird. Or learn to jot them down on paper without looking. But it’s still weird to take notes while you’re having a conversation with someone.
Job interviews are one of the most ABnormal interactions there are. Having and taking notes is totally normal and no one would bat an eye if you jotted something down in an in person interview.
But this wasn’t an in person interview. It looks weird and distracted over video.
“But this wasn’t an in person interview. It looks weird and distracted over video.”
Is this your opinion based on experience, or just conjecture? Because I’ve interviewed many, many people over video at this point and I completely disagree with your statement, and think the only person who would say this is someone that doesn’t have substantive experience interviewing someone over video call, and probably doesn’t have much experience interviewing over video themselves. I expect people to take notes if that’s what makes them more comfortable in the situation.
This. It’s a rare thing to actually be told what went wrong, too. Whether you were or weren’t reading answers, it looked and sounded like you were. Learn from that. And move on.
I don’t know what good will come from your complaint to HR. It sounds like because you take pride in your public speaking skills, this is harder to just let go (I’ve been there!). But I’d work on letting it go.
I’d let it go. Whether they mixed up your feedback and other candidates’ feedback for those who didn’t progress to the final stage, either way you didn’t advance, and reaching back out to say ‘in high school I was totally a great speaker!’ is not going to do you any favors.
Yeah, I hear you. I wasn’t going to mention anything about high school (that was 20 years ago). That was for context here.
I don’t think I’d email HR about it – it stinks, but it’s only going to make you sound defensive. Maybe the interviewers told the recruiter “she sounded rehearsed” and the recruiter took that to mean “reading notes off phone.” The recruiter seems mean and I would avoid her moving forward.
It’s not mean to tell someone the truth.
Agreed. I got my Big Law job because I listened to blunt but honest feedback from a recruiter. I’m grateful and she did me a huge favor.
Usually when people are “ don’t defensive” it is because they are being attacked and are defending themselves.
She is not being attacked, this is not war, she didn’t get a job. Come on.
I would let it go and also ask my smartest most capable honest friend to do a practice interview with me
I’d also not look at another screen at notes, you wouldn’t look at notes in person and looking away looks disengaged
When I do in person interviews, I do take notes. This is standard in my field. I see people taking notes when I interview them. Is this not typical in other fields?
It’s a bit unusual, although I’ve had a recent candidate make it explicit (‘Please don’t think I am not paying attention, I might look over here to take some notes during the interview’) and that helped. If the flow of the conversation is interrupted while were waiting for you to finish your notes, that may come across less than ideal, although it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker if your skills are strong. Maybe you were filling the time while typing notes and sounded a bit robotic because your speech slowed down.
If you were to take too much time taking notes during a standalone, 30-60 min interview, I would wonder if you are normally relying on writing everything down or if it’s just to do with nerves during the interview. Processing spoken instructions in a meeting, maybe just jotting down a few keywords, and still remembering some of the context later is an important work skill. If you have to write down every single thing being said, that can be a red flag.
It’s totally normal and expected for the candidate to jot down notes on complex multi-part questions.
I’ve never taken notes or seen someone take notes. I’ve had two careers: one as a lawyer practicing mostly in large law firms and another in higher education admin.
(When I say I’ve never seen anyone take notes, I mean I’ve never seen a candidate do it. I agree it’s more common for an interviewer to do it, but they have lots of candidates to keep track of. I think it’s weird as the candidate.)
I’m in the wrong field! I’ve been on numerous hiring panels from junior levels to executive director over the last 20 years. Pre-covid, in-person notetaking was always the norm. I would have found it weird if a candidate didn’t come with a notebook. It’s so interesting how different fields have their unique standards.
So you don’t have much experience with forward-looking, modern organizations where people use technology to their advantage, and aren’t stuck in some kind of 1980s-throwback era where anything that didn’t exist in 1987 is weird and scary. Got it.
Ouch about the 1987 comment! I work in the public sector. I’ve worked at organizations as small as 10 and as large as 350. People took notes in interviews. It seems this is sector-specific.
Use it in the same way you might think of a crush’s worst attributes in order to get over the crush.
Sorry the job didn’t work out. You may well have dodge a bullet of weirdness if this is at all indicative of what you might have been jumping into.
I like this framing!
I think your best bet is to let it go: there is nothing to be gained from providing your own feedback.
In theory – not that this is a great idea – you could email HR and ask for some clarification on the feedback given to you by the recruiter. Frame it “this seems to be a game of Telephone gone awry and the feedback doesn’t make much sense; can you provide some better context?” Don’t mention anything about the substance of it or how you disagree with it.
Mostly I think it’s a poor idea because that’s the kind of feedback you get when it’s really about something else. They want to hire their friend’s friend and need an excuse to axe other strong candidates. Someone got their panties in a wad because they googled you and you have an op-ed int he local paper about a subject they disagree with.
Do not contact HR to complain/clarity/whatever. Unfortunately, you didn’t get the job so you have to accept that.
I wonder if your looking at your other screen to take notes was the problem. Maybe they thought you were looking away at your phone. In the future, maybe consider taking notes after the call.
Yeah, that seemed off to me. I … would not try to take on-screen notes during an interview, ever. Jot it down on a piece of paper if you must.
+2 I try to keep steady eye contact when on zoom interviews – I find it seems like people are not paying attention if their eyes are flitting back and forth (caveat, I understand eye contact is hard for some people esp ND folks but the OP said nothing about that so . . ). I’ve only ever taken hand written notes in interviews and I make sure to flash the pen in my hand at some point on screen so it’s clear what I am doing when/if I look down.
That’s a good way to do it! I like that suggestion (showing the pen). I was thinking looking down to break eye contact would be more distracting than looking sideways, but perhaps it doesn’t come off that way.
When I did interviews for high school seniors applying to my alma mater, I always told them that I was taking notes so as to write a better and more detailed report. On screen, I flash the pen and tell them that I am taking notes.
OP here – coincidentally I’m also an alumna interviewer for applicants, and I take notes. I tell them that so they aren’t nervous or confused why I look away. I have to fill out a pretty extensive form after the interview, so I need to write down information.
I’ve been using the same approach in interviews. When I have to create exercises around strategy and planning, customized to the position (often 3-5 pages of writing plus a ppt deck) and then present them, I feel the need to record the information the interviewers are saying to then synthesize and reflect back the information I’ve learned about what they’re looking for and the situation they’re currently in.
I always took notes as an alumna interviewer, but I think that’s very different than a job interview.
I would absolutely not enjoy a candidate who is taking notes on another screen while speaking to me. It’s very distracting and I’d feel like the person isn’t present. This isn’t a meeting, it’s an interview. I think it’s fine to have a pad of paper in front of you and jot down some notes during the part of the interview at the end where you ask questions. But I see absolutely no reason why you’d need to be typing during most of the interview.
YES. I would find this very, very rude, honestly.
Thanks for this feedback. I started typing notes rather than jotting them down because I saw interviewers doing it. Often they would comment they’re notetaking on another screen, and I would say the same. To be clear, I’m not taking minutes chronicling everything said. I type maybe 5 bullet points of major themes that arise.
In my field, it’s typical to have 5-7 rounds of interviews lasting 1-2 hours (sometimes more…). I like to take notes to then reference past conversations.
I think I’d try jotting down the high points right after the interviewer! It’s unfortunate, but I think I this is one of those instances where it’s fine when interviewers do it, not as much when interviewees do.
Right, but you aren’t the interviewer. They’re taking notes because they are interviewing more than one candidate and likely will have a session afterward where they need to regroup and decide who moves on. Again, this isn’t a meeting where your behavior should mirror the other person’s.
A lot of interviewers take notes on screen because they have to enter them into a form for record-keeping purposes, FWIW.
I’d also say that an unfortunate truth is that you, as the candidate, have the burden of appearing engaged and interested; it’s less the case for them.
I hear all of you saying I’m not the interviewer. However in my field, it is super typical to do a written exercise with a subsequent presentation component. I did do one such exercise for this position earlier in the process. I find it important to take notes and sythesize the information for that exercise.
For example: using what you’ve learned about us, do a SWOT analysis and then write a strategic communications plan for the first year in this role.
Maybe note taking is the wrong approach. But I think it makes these exercises a lot richer. And yes, I hate that my field expects detailed free consulting from candidates.
ok a lot of people are telling you that live note-taking can come across as distracted when you’re the candidate, particularly over video, and regardless of the reason. If you’re looking to improve your video interview skills, maybe consider the feedback instead of just defending the practice?
I’m providing context about notetaking being a standard practice in my field, which I just learned is unusual. I hear and appreciate the feedback about typing being more distracting than writing.
OP, I’m baffled by
People saying that taking notes is rude. It’s not. I’m a high ranking executive and have been on both sides of this including a recent new job as well as hiring three new people in the last 3 months. Taking notes during a zoom interview is completely standard.
People on this board remain weird.
Really? Have you not realized that YOU are the outlier here.
There is a reason why patients hate it now that their doctors are staring at computer screens typing while talking to them/listening with occasional head turn/nod. It doesn’t look like you are really paying attention, you aren’t giving the appropriate eye contact, head nods that demonstrate engagement and give the interviewer a better sense of how you behave in person to work with.
This is not normal interview behavior. A note pad/tablet in your lap with a writing implement, jotting down brief notes as you go is ok. It allows you to quickly look up and down and continue good eye contact. Looking to the side to type into another screen is not ok. You could be doing email for all I know or looking up ideas/questions on the internet or whatever.
Yes, I agree – taking notes is totally normal. OP, I usually say at the start something to address the awkwardness of notetaking virtually “I’m taking a few notes, it’s part of my process – if I am looking down or away it is not because I am distracted” (something more eloquent than that obviously!). Maybe check Ask a Manager, tons of great posts on notes in intervies.
It sounds like somehow you are presenting as distracted and doing your own thing rather than actively listening and engaging. Can you record the session? After the meeting, write up your own notes, and add to them as you listen to the (sped up) recording.
Do not record interviews! Most software will tell the hosting party that a meeting is being recorded and HR will probably terminate the interview and process on the spot. They’ll just see someone looking for a reason to raise a discrimination claim.
Recording interviews is against policy where I work. I wouldn’t recommend this. Stick with the notes if it’s important for your context, give the interviewers some context for why you may look away from the screen. Check with a trusted friend if the extent of your note taking/how much you are looking away from the screen could be an issue. I know you find it important for later assignments, but honestly if you need to write down every little thing in the moment because you will forget them immediately after we meet, then that may not be a fit for certain fast paced environments. (Why yes, I am projecting because I am frustrated with a colleague who also is incapable of referring back to their own notes).
+1
I only interview early career people, but almost entirely over video, and find someone glancing at another screen or taking notes is… distracting and weird.
I would only use one screen for the interview and if you need to take notes, just jot them down on a notepad so it is clear what you are doing. And really I would only take notes for action items – like if they ask you for something and you want to remind yourself. If you type and look at another screen. it could seem like you are multi-tasking. Good luck!
I’ve interviewed a LOT recently and every panel has told me, “We’ll be typing while you talk, it’s just our notetaking system, promise we’re not multitasking.” I’m confused why turnabout wouldn’t be fair play.
I think unfortunately a job interview is a situation where the interviewee is the one under the spotlight, and what’s acceptable for the panel isn’t necessarily so for the interviewee (and I think that goes for other things such as clothing too).
Yup. I interviewed people in jeans in Big Law but people would have been horrified if the candidate hadn’t been in a suit or similar. It’s not equivalent.
I wouldn’t follow up on this with the recruiter/company. What’s done is done, the job went to someone else.
I would echo the suggestion to test an interview via video with a (critical) friend, including the notes taking.
Fyi I understand you may want to take notes during the interview. I would give heads up about this at the begining and I would recommend to quickly handwrite them down vs type or read to another device or screen. You wouldn’t be doing that during an in-person interview and I have to admit it feels disturbing. It is already difficult to project the warmth and connection virtually; hearing/seeing a candidate typing/reading is not helping to keep the flow.
I did record some interviews on my phone to ensure I got all the key facts for the case study or offer details correctly.
Also – they may have mixed up candidates and not given you ‘your’ feedback. Happens sometimes. I once got an HR thank me for amazing discussion we had etc etc but they decided to proceed with another candidate. I never even spoke to the HR, so he was clearly making stuff up (or couldn’t keep track of candidates).
I would also advise letting it go. If it’s a company in your orbit or that you’d like to work with in the future, I’d email the hiring manager, repeat your desire to work with them in the future if opportunities come up and thank them for their time and consideration.
And I’d also advise not taking notes in an interview. I’ve never done it as an interviewee – only as a hiring manager. It’s a bad look on zoom. (In person, I think it would be ok to take notes. I’ve always brought a pad and a pen for that purpose.) Either rely on your memory, or if it’s legal in your state, set up a recorder. Otherwise, write notes ASAP at the conclusion of the call.
Let it go and focus on your strengths, work with your coaches and friends on interviewing and dispel any notion that you are not doing well in interviews. Good luck.
Thanks for the suggestions. I’m not clear who you’re suggesting I email a thank you to, but I like the idea. There wasn’t a hiring manager. An external recruiter was handling the search. Would it be the company staff members? I had emailed both interviewers (company staff members: the would-be supervisor and a peer) individually after the interview (I always send thank you emails). I There wasn’t a hiring manager. There was an external recruiter is the one who provided the phone feedback via a telephone call. I thanked her on the phone but certainly could send her an email if that’s appropriate.
My state is 2 party consent, so I can’t record.
You can ask to record, and then if they say no, say that you will be taking notes as you proceed. But skip the second screen.
I said hiring manager, so would-be supervisor is who I meant. Hiring manager in HR is code for the person who makes the hiring decision or the person closest to the hiring decision: it’s unlikely the company would hire you if the would-be manager didn’t agree. I would also email the peer with a less formal reply.
Only keep one screen up in the future. Make eye contact with the camera the whole time.
Take the feedback, take it seriously, and move on. Use the feedback to do better at your next interview.
I see you being defensive in the comments – just know, that isn’t going to do you any good in future interviews.
You’ve gotten good advice about how to (not) respond to this.
Outside of interviews, I would still revisit whether you take notes on a second screen during virtual meetings. I am on a team with someone who does this and, while nobody has said anything to her about it, she has a negative reputation because of it. It’s perceived as disrespectful and inattentive. Make eye contact and listen during the meeting, jot down your notes after the meeting is over.
Looking for guidance on how to give feedback as part of a colleague’s formal annual review process. Best to keep it all positive?
I think keeping it 80% positive, 20% constructive feedback is probably a good balance. Obviously if someone is a poor performer or super star, the metrics adjust but that’s a good average for me. However, even superstars need something to focus on achieving, so I don’t think 100% positive feedback is helpful.
I usually start by asking how they think they did: areas they think they exceled in, areas where they think they could perhaps use improvement. Echo the positives, layer in any additional positive feedback you have, talk about what you think they could work on, and then wrap up with a positive outlook.
Depends on the end game and politics here. Do you like this person, 100% positive. Do you need this person to be a supporter of yours? 100% positive. Is this person universally hated and boss is looking for support to move them out? Provide negative input if you agree. There’s no rule other than think about how this helps or hurts your network and workplace dynamics.
Is 360 review part of your organization’s annual process, or is it occasional? The answer makes a difference.
If it’s annual, the golden rule applies. At least 80% positive, and any critical feedback should be constructive and framed positively. “Anon could become a better delegator, but her team has been short-staffed this year, so she has had to take on lower-level tasks to ensure the team meets their commitments.”
If it’s occasional, meaning it only happens when someone is on a PIP or up for promotion, the calculus shifts. Your feedback reflects on you, so be professional and as positive as you can be, but also be diplomatically honest.
I think it depends on the colleague. If you are being asked because the colleague has severe problems – not doing her job, he’s a bully, work is consistently wrong, he takes credit for other people’s ideas – then the review should reflect that.
Otherwise, for a normal colleague, 80% positive and 20% constructive.
Keep it all positive, unless you hate the person or they seriously effed up.
This. Ain’t your job to be their manager and you just risk alienating a peer.
Yep. I’ve had bad experiences with providing even extremely mild, nonoffensive constructive feedback to peers. It never seems to be taken well. If I have something to say about a peer, I talk to their manager and document nothing. If I were asked to do a peer review in writing, it would be all positive. The comment of “it’s not my job to manage this person” is well-taken. As a manager, I should be able to read between the lines of what people are saying and not saying and be able to ask questions to find out if my employee has a problem, and that is 100% my responsibility.
All positive unless you are prepared for the company to used your mixed feedback to push the colleague out and tell the colleague that it was your negative review that made the difference.
I’ve never had to weigh in on a colleague’s annual review. My instinct is to keep it 100% positive. You aren’t their supervisor, so if I were them, so any negative/constructive criticism is likely to come off as you thinking you can do their job better than them. That won’t help a working relationship.
I would also keep it positive, unless any of their shortcomings negatively impact me.
Nb: I am wondering if the same question were asked on a more male-dominated forum, you’d get at least a few answers suggesting that raises/high performance ratings are limited, and you should not be overly generous with colleagues because they are your competition!
I have been separated for a year this month (my choice to leave). The past two weekends were incredibly difficult as I had a lot of activities and events that heavily reminded me of the past when things were good with the husband, and we were a happy family with our kids. Now I feel so incredibly sad about the loss of this and it makes me question my decision to end things. I am trying to remind myself of all the reasons I left, but I can’t help wanting to still try to work things out when I think I know in my heart it won’t work out.
I also cannot see how things could possibly get easier. It’s been a year and it is still so hard. I feel like every event or activity in the future that reminds me of us is going to continue to be incredibly hard. I don’t know what I am asking; maybe if someone has felt the same?
It’s not the worst thing to reassess if you made the right choice. I’d think about it more and possibly get back together if it’s salvageable. If he’s moved on and there’s no hope of reconciliation, then focus on moving on too.
I think this is terrible advice.
She married the guy and had kids with him. A lot of people divorce during the tough young years and realize it was a mistake. It’s not a bad idea to reconsider given the family factor. I’m not saying do everything to make your family a family again, but thinking about it seems prudent.
+1
Agree.
Agreed on all points. As a child of divorce, I am a huge believer that every single step should be taken to save a marriage (barring abuse obv.), and just not being “happy” isn’t a legitimate reason to divorce with minor children.
As an adult, I think you should work harder to get over it.
Yeah, now that I have kids I actually do think it’s worth staying in some (not all) lackluster marriages for the kids. Not being able to see them 50% of the time is pretty difficult and life-changing.
As a child of parents who stayed together wayyyyyyyyy too long and were not happy, I just want to say that you cannot ignore the negative impact of an unhappy parents, tortured family dynamics, and model of unhealthy relationships/lack of model of healthy relationships on children. The pervasive discomfort of being around my parents and constant tension seriously influenced my mental health then and now.
I was so, so happy when my parents divorced in my teen years. I wish it had happened years sooner. And yes, they stayed together “for the kids” which translated into them not attending school events together, or doing so with clear resentment. It meant walking on egg shells due to their fights or silent treatment. It meant really poor relationship modeling for us. It meant them calling each other “your mother” and “your father” and just being unable to have conversations about any topic like a normal couple. It meant so many family dinners where one of them stormed off and my sibling and I sat there scared and quiet.
It’s a loss. Makes perfect sense. The first everything is hard. The second is easier. If you aren’t divorced make sure you’re pushing that forward as fast as your lawyer thinks prudent the finality will help.
The first year after my separation then divorce was really hard- going through all the annual ritual cycle of holidays, birthdays, school events, etc all reminded me of the good times. It got a lot better after that first year. You and your kids are establishing your own new normal, which takes time. Try to be kind to yourself.
It is a big loss, but I’m guessing you left for a lot of very good reasons that are unlikely to change. I am biased because I’ve seen a few loved ones go back to a separated spouse out of loneliness, homesickness, memories, etc., and it only prolonged the pain. Reconciliation felt good for a month or two, and then come to find out, nothing really changed.
I quit social media when I separated from my ex because seeing all the happy families doing things together made me really really sad. It IS hard, but don’t get back together just because you wish you were in a happy relationship — you left because you were not. Getting back together might make it easier to pretend to others that you are a happy family, but you won’t be any happier and are likely to be more unhappy.
Anniversaries are HARD, and leaving a marriage that was once happy is a loss worth grieving. Give yourself a ton of grace, because you made an important decision and you’ve stuck with it despite the difficulty. It will get easier, but it takes time. You’re still in the middle of it and no one with any sense expects you to be over it.
If you’re still in the decision making process then it’s ok to change your mind, but make sure you’re acting with full knowledge and memory of all the reasons you left.
Also – you can be divorced and still do activities together! If you share kids it’s better for everyone if you get along.
I left my second husband twice, and went back twice. The third time it stuck. I regretted going back WAY more than I regretted leaving.
My first husband was the father of my kid, and the first year after we split was punishingly hard. I vividly remember being all alone on Christmas Eve, thinking “OMG what have I done?” But I stuck it out and things got better and in hindsight leaving him was the right thing, too.
So yes, I’ve felt the same. Hugs, Anon. It’s just hard but the only way out is through.
My cousin went back to her ex-husband, and they even had a 2nd kid together. But like you, they again split up. The problems were still there, and now they have to co-parent with 2 kids instead of 1. I LOVE my nephews, so I’m glad they created another child, but they just aren’t good together.
Note – in our culture, kids of cousins are called nieces and nephews, if that’s confusing for anyone.
There are a million different losses when you leave someone you were with for a long time. The first time you cook their favorite meal, notice their favorite band is in town, go to your favorite vacation place without them, wake up alone on Valentine’s Day or your birthday and think about how you used to get breakfast in bed. It’s really hard, and it can last more than a year. It’s a huge loss and it’s normal to grieve. In my case, while I felt that loss deeply, I also thought of all the freedoms I had – most importantly, the freedom not to constantly walk on eggshells because my ex was a mentally unstable narcissist. So I never reconsidered the decision to leave him, even though I grieved the hell out of it. I also spent a lot of time focusing on other things – my career, time with girlfriends, hobbies. Eventually I met someone new and was so much happier. It’s ok to reconsider if you think this was actually the relationship for you and maybe it was salvageable, but don’t go back just because you’re having a tough time and seeing happy families on social media, in my experience that’s bound to make you very unhappy.
cross posting –
I’ve noticed that my kids – 6 and 9 – always ask me or husband before they reach for a snack. Its not a norm that we set intentionally, but we would always prepare food and snacks for them when they were younger. On one hand, I think its nice that they aren’t rifling through the pantry, but I don’t love the authority i’m being given to approve/disapprove eating. I always say yes and let them know that its always ok to eat when they are hungry and that they dont need my permission to have an apple or whatever. We were on vacation recently with another family and they have a tradition of having a snack drawer filled with treats and sweets. The tradition is that anyone could have a treat at any time because its vacation. My kids asked everytime, which is polite, but made me wonder if we our too involved or too regulating. Talk me through this, please. When I was a kid the pantry was always stocked with healthy snacks and treats (hello ’90s kids!) and I just went over a helped myself anytime i wanted. That of course wasnt great either…so how does this work?
I think you’re inventing a problem.
I’m not a parent and don’t have real advice. I’ll just note from your post that you don’t want to tell them when they can eat, but you also don’t think it was great to have an open pantry you could freely eat from. If I’m reading that right and you’re feeling conflicted, maybe that is coming through to your kids as well and they’re not sure what to do either.
My kids did this too when they were younger! I am not sure why, because as you mention, it was not like I monitored their food or anything! I just figured it was probably a good thing they do ask first, as it is polite and also I can make sure they are not eating something like a quart of ice cream. They grew out of it when they became teens. I would not give this another thought.
I think you’re overthinking and making something out of nothing.
I don’t get unrestricted pantry access. If that had been available when I was a kid then I never would have known that it’s ok to feel legit hungry when you’re sitting down for a meal.
+1
And I would have quickly eaten… not good stuff.
No way I would leave a 6 year old to have free reign to eat whatever/whenever they want.
I mean you can leave a bowl of fresh berries washed and ready to eat on the counter for everyone to eat anytime. But I wouldn’t have a cabinet full of snack foods available at all times, even a drawer of sweets just for vacation.
With my kids, I took a position somewhere between open season on grazing and permission. One bin in the pantry and one shelf in the refrigerator were “help yourself.” I kept these stocked with healthy foods. Other than that, they asked. My kids did not have weight concerns or food issues. This worked out well during the younger years.
It seems reasonable to ask if they should eat now or if dinner is going to be in 30 minutes and they should just wait. Even as adults, my husband and I do this with each other and it’s not because I need his permission to eat, but because I’d rather have a meal than a snack and we’re trying to coordinate our schedules and stomachs.
I think this is good. My kids and their friends always ask first, and I appreciate how polite it is. They’ll grow out of it as they get older – I cannot imagine a teen who asks – so I would enjoy this phase. To the extent that you can use it to set good habits without being preach, I would do the too (I.e., “dinner is in 30 minutes – let’s just wait a bit so you don’t fill up” or vetoing a snack that is pure sugar if they haven’t even had breakfast yet (see, most morning requests from my 3 year old!)).
i have two 5 year olds and if it was up to them, of course theyd take goldfish or pretzels from the pantry whenever they want. i don’t really care if they want to eat fruit or string cheese or something, and when I say “no” it includes messaging like, our body needs different kinds of foods, you’ve already had pretzels, if you’re still hungry what about some strawberries, etc. I’d love to be less involved, but not sure how in an easy to implement way. i have heard of some families where kids get a bin for the day to keep all their snacks (both pantry and fridge snacks) and then the kids choose when to eat them but once they are gone, they are gone
A lot of folk would kill to have this problem !
Recommendations for nice belts for my DH – plain, leather, not too shiny or wide, one black one brown? I looked at Nordstrom and there are too many choices :-P – TIA!
I’ve gotten nice belts for my husband at Allen Edmonds dot com.
Cole Haan has nice men’s belts.
can you help me find some bedding? I have a beige tufted headboard set from pottery barn that were not updating but we’ve had beige duvet cover on it that I think is too matchy matchy. I’d love a white duvet cover with some color in the form of a throw etc. can you help me have a more “grown up” bed rather a single beige duvet covetr and two pillows?
I also have a tufted beige headboard. The trick is to keep most of your bedding beige or white but incorporate different textures. Like silk pillow cases, two or three decorative pillows in varying textures, and a throw blanket folded at the foot of your bed. The throw can be your pop of color. Personally I’m not a fan of white duvets so mine is beige but the pillows are a mix of beige and white.
can you link me to your duvet and pillows? thank you!!
Duvet was a random plain beige one from Amazon. The quilt at the foot of my bed is the dark green version of this: https://www.westelm.com/products/stack-2-crinkle-velvet-duvet-cover-shams-b2259/?pkey=cduvet-covers
Throw pillows are a random collection from Homegoods but they’re similar to this https://www.zgallerie.com/p-lenexa-pillow-22-040060775?lref=c:221 and an off-white version of this https://www.zgallerie.com/p-banks-pillow-20-ivory-620391602?lref=c:221
If you look at the Pottery Barn website under duvets or quilts, some of their photos might give you some good ideas. They show a few with white/beige duvet covers but colorful or muted quilts/coverlets and pillows on top. https://www.potterybarn.com/pages/bedding/our-favorite-bedding-looks/
I would do ecru linen sheets and pillowcases. Either a richly coloured duvet cover that goes with your room or stick to neutrals but with texture.
The length of this would be terrible for short-legged me, but I otherwise love it. I also want someone else to buy it in the cream color to wear for a courthouse wedding.
Parents of older kids: what are your rules on whether friends can come over when there is no adult in the house? Specific context: I have a 10 y/o daughter and two boys, 12 and 14. This is mostly about the 14 y/o. Do you clear it with other parents? What kind of rules are in place around boys being around girls? I know most of their friends very well, but as the oldest is starting high school, I feel like I need rules that I can work with going forward.
Absolutely clear it with other parents. I would not want my kids at another house where no adult was present without me knowing.
Also, my best friend at that age was a boy and our relationship was not romantic at all. We did spend time together at each other’s houses alone, but our parents knew each other super well and also had been around both of us a lot and knew the relationship was not a romantic one.
We clear it with other parents too. My son’s best friend is a girl and they spend the night at each other’s houses but they sleep in open, common areas. (In the living room at her house and in the loft at our house.) They have been friends since kindergarten though and have grown up together. We had the same rule with my older daughter. She could have whoever she wanted over to spend the night, but if it was a boy, they slept in the loft or downstairs. I always talked to the other parents too to make sure they would be there.
FWIW we don’t allow the kids to have friends over if we’re not here (they are 11, 13, 15).
Same. Our kids can stay alone but not with friends. Also, a house where the parents are not there, our younger kid can’t go wi TH no parents because liquor is kept in a pool house and there are many teen friends of older boy siblings just hanging out. It is hard to navigate that one and it’s more sketchy friends vs the older siblings that I’m really concerned about. My kid is a girl who just turned 13 but looks 25 and all of the older kids are boys.
Same. And I don’t allow our kids to go to a house where we know in advance no adults will be present. In our case, we have alcohol in the house and while I do trust my kids, and I do know and (somewhat) trust their friends, I also remember being a teenager in unsupervised homes and the kinds of activities we engaged in, sans supervision. And we were all “good” kids – honor roll, student council, college-bound, etc.
I have a clarifying question, let’s say the 15 year old is having a friend over for a sleepover to watch movies and eat pizza. Would they not be able to do that if you and your husband were planning on going out to dinner?
No, they would not. I trust my kid but not groups of teenagers.
I was a latchkey kid, my mom would come from work maybe 2 hours after I got home. I think I was 13 or 14 when I would occasionally have one or two friends come home with me after school and we’d be alone until my mom got home. Those were always kids that my parents knew already, and I was generally a good kid. I think they liked that when my friends would come over we would do more engaged stuff like play board games, cook recipes from cookbooks, whereas alone at home I would mostly watch tv. When I was 16 or 17, I was allowed to have parties with my parents out of the house, which would sometimes involve a few kids they didn’t know, but mostly my friends who they did know.
For some reason daytime and during the week seems more OK vs all afternoon / evening in a weekend.
My kid is a similar age (15), and I’ve told her it’s OK to have friends over after school while we’re not around BUT if she invites someone over, she needs to make it clear to the other kid(s) that we aren’t around. Most of the friends she wants to invite over are kids I know pretty well. My spouse works a few minutes away from the house, irritating little brother (12) is often there, and my kid is pretty responsible for a teenager. As for boys v. girls, I’m a GenX who grew up with all of those “can’t have members of the opposite sex over” and it just made us…sneak around more.
Thanks OP here. I’m not as worried about same age opposite sex, that’s part of many many conversations about consent. I’m more worried about older and younger kids (and specifically older boys and younger girls but I acknowledge it can go both ways). Which in a way feels overprotective but in a way feels…not.
Also, at what point do you allow the kids to have friends come over when no parents are home? (Agreed that afternoons feels different than evenings, so I’m thinking more about afternoons, not sleepovers.)
Honestly, I think it depends a lot on what your older kids are like in terms of personality/responsibility level. And I get the gender thing, especially since the average 10yo boy wants nothing to do with 14yo girls, but that isn’t necessarily the case vice versa. I don’t have a good answer, frankly.
While I realize there is some risk to this approach, I tell my kids that it has to be OK with their friend’s parents if they are all at my house unsupervised. And we’re around a LOT, there’s plenty of time for kids to be at our place while we are at home.
My experience as a late 00’s highschooler – 11-13ish we had to have at least one parent at our house or at the friends house. My best friend had a pool so added house rule on their side that no kids in the pool unless a parent was home or the oldest sister (she was 21 at the time we started HS, friend was the middle kid of 7 girls). After 13 my parents were divorced and I lived with my dad who went back to work fulltime so the rule that he had to be home went out the window pretty much.
HS I’d have friends over afterschool in the afternoons to study, do homework or projects, and hangout. In the summer friends would come over during the day, I’d go over to their places or we’d bum around town together.
We lived in a small highly walkable town, so going over to friends houses across town didn’t require parents driving. When we started driving the rule was a parent had to know who was driving and when to expect you home, where you ere going, and no more than 3 people in the car (so driver and two friends/sibling).
One thing my parents did was constantly have us walking and biking around town when we were younger, so we knew most streets and the neighborhoods by the time we were 13 (what the busier & traffic heavy streets were, and how to cross a busy street safely when there’s no good crossing spot, which streets didn’t have sidewalks and how to safety walk or bike in those areas, how to get home from any of the schools or other landmarks around town)
Would the 10 year old girl (elementary) also be home when the 14 year old boy has his 14 year old friends (potentially in high school) over? Doesn’t seem fair/safe for her and I absolutely would not put her in that position. I wouldn’t leave the 12 year old home alone with the 14 year old if there were friends over, either.
I was a latch key kid in the late 2000s/early 10s, and my parents let me have whoever over, same with my friends parents. You probably don’t want to know what we did, but honestly it was safer we do those things at homes rather than in the woods or behind a movie theater or whatever.
My kids are young adults now. I let friends come over when I wasn’t home as soon as I let my kids be home alone, so around 7th grade. I would rather my kids had friends over to my house – I loved it and still love it when all their friends are over. Max unsupervised time was around 1.5 to 2 hours, but honestly, it wasn’t that different when I was home. They always gathered in their rooms upstairs, and I generally left them alone.
They’re 22 and 21 now and no issues. I think it’s really important to trust your kids and have a lot of communication with them. I always knew a lot about their friendships because my kids talked to me so much, but didn’t get involved in their relationships in any way. (Unlike the two different moms who called me wanting to mediate some minor dramas between our kids – nope)
No kids alone in the house. 15yo and 11yo.
I keep wondering if I did the right thing re tipping: went to a medspa last week to get a glp-1, the NP answered lots of Qs for me; maybe 15 minutes total. At checkout a tip option came up and I declined… but should I have given something? It was $700 so what %? Or token amount?
At the time my thinking was that if I’d been there for a facial or cool sculpting or something involving a skilled service I’d have tipped… but maybe answering Qs was the skill?
I wouldn’t have tipped. This seems like healthcare and I don’t tip healthcare providers.
Exactly. You were there for medication. I wouldn’t tip the NP at my gyn office either.
I dislike the idea of tipping knowledge professionals. They can set their own rates.
My medspa doesn’t accept tips. I never thought about it for my Botox, but asked when I went for a facial. To me, tipping the facialist seemed normal. However, they said as a full service medspa, they don’t do tipping so everything is baked into the price.
Not a question, but just a complaint that my underarm lymph nodes are so sore lately that wearing an underwire bra is painful and I feel like the skin is rubbed raw (it’s not, but it’s how it feels).
I’m wearing my comfiest non-underwire bra today and a shirt with baggy armholes and still feel so much tenderness. Ouch!!!
please get this checked out by a doctor!
+1. There’s like a hundred things that can cause swollen lymph nodes.
Gently, have you seen a Doctor about this? The swelling would concern me.
This was one of my main Covid symptoms, so I’d take a test if this is a very recent development. If it’s a long term, it’s presumably not Covid but I agree about seeing a doctor because it can be a sign of something else serious.
This happened to me and I did get a mammogram and ultrasound, but it was nothing and I just needed to find some bras that fit differently. I’m short and short waisted, but large of chest, so underwires tend to come up too high in my armpits and get painful. Supportive wireless bras tend to have elastic that’s even more irritating so it takes a lot of trial and error to find bras that don’t bother me. But do see a doctor to be sure.
Oh no! Please go to the doctor ASAP. Painful lymph nodes could be nothing, could be a little virus, or could be something bad like lymphoma.
Is anyone into Kibbe body types? I think I’m a soft natural – anyone else out there? Who are we following/where are we shopping?
I am a flamboyant gamine and can’t find anyone of my body type to follow. It is hard to look petite when you are not actually petite (5’6”).
How are you? How’s your weather?
Aw, thanks for checking in! I’m fine, thanks! It rained hard all day yesterday and we even had a smallish earthquake in the middle of it! Not much wind and other than a big fallen tree a couple of blocks away, there doesn’t seem to be any ill effects in the neighborhood. Today it’s just overcast and no rain so far. The local schools are closed but my office is open so I’m here as usual.
The weirdest part was that we’re used to only having rain when it’s cold, so to step outside into heavy rain and warm temperatures just did not compute!!
Don’t. Don’t seem to be any ill effects…
Ha, yes, same! It is hot, but it’s raining. I do not understand!
One of the oddest things about the whole day and one that it is hard to explain to anyone outside the Southwest. I was having flashbacks to my childhood in the South!
Glad you are okay! Thanks for the update.
And… it’s 3:30 p.m. and the sun is shining and it’s like it never happened. Crazy.