Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Ago Peplum Shirt

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1. Any tips on making Monday mornings more productive? I split my time between two projects / offices and struggle on Mondays to remember where I left off and make good use of the time. My pattern is: Monday/Wednesday in office 1, Tuesday / Friday in office 2 and Thursday in the classroom.

   1. Maybe at the end of the day on Wednesday and Friday you make a little list of things you were working on/things that need to be done, so when you come back in on Monday and Tuesday you have a list of things already on the go.

   2. One of the wonderful teachers I student taught with had the great habit of every Friday writing herself a “Monday Note”. She wouldn’t leave on Friday til she had a note on her desk Monday to tell her what to do that morning. She said that way she could leave for the weekend and keep her mind on her kids and actually enjoy the weekend. Before she started it she kept getting distracted saying “I have GOT to remember to do this!”. Might work well for you!

      1. Oh, that’s a great idea! I might work on identifying things that are quite “easy” to tick off to pick up a bit of forward momentum.

         I wonder if it is partially because I’ve been working quite a lot on the weekends (particularly Sunday) so I don’t feel fresh and ready to go on Monday. Maybe I should concentrate my weekend working on Saturday and make Sunday a proper day of rest.

      2. Oh, that is an awesome idea.

      3. I do something similar, but I don’t always restrict it to Friday’s . It works wonders during the week too.

         1. I do this most nights before I leave the office, especially if I have a lot going on. It helps me hit the ground running in the morning and sets my priorities for the day.

      4. This is the only way I can get things done!

         I make a list of things I need to do on Monday based on how far I got on Friday. Otherwise my weekend brain just can’t.

      5. This is the only way I can get things done!

         I make a list of things I need to do on Monday based on how far I got on Friday. Otherwise my weekend brain just can’t.

      6. I do something similar. Prioritize whatever tasks I have on Friday afternoon and make a list. It helps me get in the zone on Monday because I can just follow a list when I get into the office. I usually have to incorporate and prioritize anything that came up over the weekend, but it is a good starting place.

   3. Similar to the “Monday Note” idea, I set aside some time on my schedule every Friday afternoon to “review week” and “plan for next week”. I use a weekly paper planner, so all my outstanding items to do (for me, quotes, parts to order, specific project tracking) gets rewritten on the new week. I know I have had a productive week (or a crazy Friday :)) depending on how much gets moved forward. I also have a longterm project list that gets reviewed once a week (ideally).

   4. Along the same lines as everyone else, I keep a running to do list in my draft emails and update it throughout the week. On Friday, I put together my to do list for Monday and take a quick look on Sunday to reassess as needed. (Incidentally, I wrote a series of posts on my blog about this a couple of weeks ago if you are interested. Link in name.)

2. What’s the best health/wellness change you’ve made recently, and how did you do it?

   1. I quit sugar in my coffee. I did it by just slowly decreasing my intake from 2 sugars to 1 to 1/2 and then none. Super painless and now I can’t imagine drinking it any other way.

      1. +1 to this. Gave up sugar in coffee and do not miss it at all.

      2. +1 I gave up sugar first and then cream. Now I drink black coffee or Americanos black – its healthier and I am not tempted by Starbucks fancy drinks (so I save $$).

         1. I’m working on this right now. I gave up creamer and am now doing milk and a little sugar.

      3. How long did it take to wean yourself to none?

         1. About six months at a very leisurely pace. I read somewhere that your taste buds adjust after 6 weeks to pretty much anything so I used that as a baseline but let myself linger in each new period. Honestly one of the easiest things I’ve ever done and I can’t imagine drinking sweetened coffee now. My next step is to quit milk.

   2. I realized I was not getting enough calcium from my diet. The risk of osteoporosis is high for women in my family, and even though I eat pretty well, I was startled when I realized I don’t get enough.

      1000mg per day for me.

      I have a family member with osteoporosis and picked up pointers from taking them to their doctor.

      So I am trying to increase my dairy to two servings a day, and I take 0ne or two supplements per day (one if I get my two servings of calcium in, two if I don’t). I take those calcium chews that taste like a small caramel treat from Costco. I keep them in the bathroom, since that is one place I am every morning and night and less likely to forget by seeing the bag there.

      I already started supplementing Vitamin D a few years back, after a yearly physical showed it was quite low.

      These are a couple things that you are supposed to keep on top of at a young age because there are significant long term repercussions by not dealing with it now.

      Prior to this change, my last best health change was deciding I was getting mammograms and Pap smears too often for my age and risk factors. I follow the recommendations from the NIH these days, after discussing them with my doc.

      1. High-impact weight-bearing exercise is also important for building bone strength. Even something as basic as jumping up and down in place is good for your bones. Lots of no-impact exercise, like cycling, has the opposite effect.

   3. I stopped watching TV/Movies by myself. I only will watch them with another person. I was watching too much fluff tv while cooking/cleaning as background noise also it was becoming the go to activity when I was super tired. I realized if I am too tired to do anything but TV? Too tired to even read? Well, I should just go to sleep! Its helping me go to bed at a reasonable time. Getting a lot more reading in is a bonus! I tend to have to do things cold turkey and not have any wiggle room (the Happiness Book would classify myself as an abstainer. My husband and I are really busy so since I started this in December I think I have only watched about 10 hours of TV/Movies which is pretty good!

      1. This is smart, and I’m going to do it starting tonight. I don’t do TV as background noise (although I do watch while I fold laundry), but it is definitely my go-to “I’m tired” activity. Then I’m too tired to turn the TV off and go upstairs to get ready for bed, so I end up wasting a ton of time and going to bed later than I should. Getting in bed with a book would be a much better option. Thanks for the inspiration!

         1. This is me. Feel better that I’m not the only one stuck in this trap.

      2. I’m doing a variant on the opposite of this – I’m only watching TV/movies when I’m focused on them. No more surfing the Internet, etc. If I’m watching in a zone of distraction, I’m not really interested in watching and should just turn it off. If it’s good TV, I will focus on it.

         1. I need to start doing this. I was never a big TV watcher, but got in the habit of turning it on recently and then just… walking away to do other stuff or surf online. Such a waste of time!

      3. I do this too. After growing up in a TV-always-on-one-in-every-room home, I married someone who almost never watches it. I’m an introvert, and I really enjoy the relative quiet (I have kids so it’s rarely completely quiet). We don’t have cable. I only watch movies/tv at the theater or with my husband and/or kids on Amazon or Netflix/Apple TV, on weekends or after kids in bed on less busy nights (rare). I feel like it saves so much time (which I probably then waste on this site). I should probably now tackle non-productive internet time now.

      4. My twist on this is that except for having the news on in the morning, or watching a specific show with my spouse, if I want to watch TV, I have to be on the elliptical.

   4. This isn’t a super recent change, but back in college, I became much more conscious of frequent hand-washing after being in public places (like the supermarket or the subway). I had always been good about handwashing after the obvious places, like the restroom or handling raw chicken, but making a routine of handwashing after coming home from the outside world really cut down on colds. I also make an attempt to use hand sanitizer if I’m out and about and will be eating any food with my hands.

      1. And I keep a hand sanitizer at my front door, and use it when I walk inside. I have an elderly relative that has this at their front door for all guests as they enter, since they have a medical condition that puts them at risk for infection.

         I am now religious about getting my yearly flu shot, and get it early each season.

      2. I wash my hands when I come home from daycare/grocery store etc and insist that the kids do as well.

   5. I’ve had to eliminate milk, eggs, wheat, soy, nuts, peanuts, fish and shellfish as part of an allergen elimination diet. I don’t have the willpower, or, frankly, the desire to do this voluntarily, but didn’t have much choice. The result has been eliminating most processed foods and much more “clean” eating. I normally eat pretty healthy, but I didn’t realize how many quick “convenience” processed foods I eat (crackers, granola bars, etc.) and how many foods, even seemingly “healthy” foods, have soy or dairy in them. So many. It also has forced me to eliminate nearly all sweets (setting aside the milk, did you know most chocolate contains soy, even organic chocolate?). I will only keep this up to this extent as long as I have to for medical reasons (1.5 years? I’m nursing an allergic baby), but I’m sure it will have a lasting effect on my habits. At the least it has opened my eyes to what I’m actually eating. Right now I eat only because/when I’m hungry, which is an odd shift for me, but kind of freeing. I suspect I’ll discover some new comfort foods that fit this diet at some point though.

      1. Why on earth would you nurse a baby this severely allergic for 1.5 years?!? No fish? No nuts? No eggs? You’re eliminating a vast array of healthy foods unnecessarily.

         1. The judgment behind this post is what is unnecessary.

            1. +1

         2. Not OP – honestly this is so so ignorant. And I hate that I’m feeding the trolls but I can’t resist. There are lots of good reasons. One is that sometimes a baby will tolerate foods in BM that they will not tolerate if eaten directly. The mom can try introducing foods into her diet and help baby build tolerance to allergic foods via the breast milk. You’re not worth the effort to post the research on this. Another is that breastfeeding builds immunity – baby is more likely to not get sick or not get sick as badly – that benefit does not go away if mom is restricting allergic foods. Third is the great bonding that many moms enjoy with their babies – why would she want to give that up just to eat cheese/wheat vs. rye bread?

         3. Hmmm, well, let’s see, he’s 3 months old. If he can’t have cow’s milk (also goat’s milk) or soy, that leaves few options for what he can be fed. Rice milk basically has no nutritional value. There are a couple of “hypoallergenic” formulas made from hydrolyzed cow’s milk, but they are not tolerated by all milk-allergic babies, and they’re generally known to taste terrible, so other babies reject them for that reason. I’ve consulted with his doctors, and they’ve advised that breastfeeding is the best course for him as long as he’s growing well and his symptoms are under control with my elimination diet. He may grow out of all or some of the allergies by one year, but if he does not, I’ll likely need to continue nursing because he won’t be able to switch to cow’s milk or soy milk. If this is what is best for him, I’m 1000% willing to do it. It’s really not hard to get all the nutrients you need without these top 8 allergens (I can eat meats, oats, corn, rice, quinoa and other grains, beans, and all fruits and vegetables), it’s just hard to have a sweet tooth, unless hard candy does it for you. ;)

         4. Not the OP but I was in a similar spot. I didn’t have to avoid all those foods forever, but for a period for 4-6 weeks, I had to figure out what was causing the (sorry, TMI) explosive bloody poop in my baby. The alternative is special allergy friendly $25/can formula, which, at 2-3 cans/week, really adds up.

            I was allergen-free for about 6 weeks, then was milk/soy/related things free for the first 4 months of baby’s life. then she outgrew it and I went back to eating normally.

      2. TJ – Can I ask you about the decision to eliminate the common allergen foods when nursing? I did that on my older allergic daughter but did not on my younger son on the advice that the thinking had change in the interim re: allergies. Basically to continue with them unless there was a clear intolerance in baby for that specific allergen. Same as how the advice is now to intro common allergic foods asap after 6 months vs. waiting. Is it a question of removing all and then reintroducing one at a time to determine the issue?

         1. Yes, I’m trying to pinpoint what is bothering him and then stay off that. Dairy is a clear problem. Eliminating that helped a lot, but did not take care of all of his symptoms. I keep a food diary and carefully log his symptoms, but as you probably know it takes a long time because you can only do one at a time and each allergen stays in my system for 4-7 days, and then in his for 4-7 days, so I have to wait awhile to try the next one. It’s complicated if I end up eating out because who knows if I can really trust what restaurants tell me about what is in stuff (IME, they’re not as careful as I am/some people in the kitchen don’t realize where allergens may be hidden). Anyway, I think he has multiple allergens, some more severe than others, and as I get them figured out I’ll re-introduce what I can.

            1. Thanks for replying. Good luck with it. Having allergic little ones isn’t easy for sure. Once you get it narrowed down, ask your MD about baked products. Many allergic kids will tolerate allergens that have been subject to high heat because the heat breaks down the protein (doesn’t work for peanut which has to be heated very high but often muffins with dairy are fine). Makes allergic diets a bit less limiting. HTH.

            2. Thanks. He can’t deal with dairy-laced crackers, but who knows how much those were heated, and whether the wheat in them was a factor. I do suspect he also has a wheat allergy based on my trials so far. I’ve been surprised how hard it is and how long it takes to pinpoint the issues.

            3. I am sure you know this, but most babies that are allergic to dairy are also allergic to soy. So those may be the two big groups. My daughter outgrew her dairy/soy allergy around one year of age. She never had an allergy to anything else. Nursing was so hard on that diet! I feel for you. Good luck!

      3. Mom of multiple food allergy preschooler here. Hope you’re getting your child evaluated by a professional. There are some recent but well-respected protocols being used to help children overcome some food allergies. But these should be performed under a doctor’s care. Also, I found that consultation with a nutritionist really helpful for figuring out how to navigate my daughter’s multiple allergies to get to a healthy diet for her. A nutritionist recommended by the allergy docs.

         Best of luck figuring out the food allergies! It’s pretty scary having a food allergy kid.

         1. At what age did you first take your child to an allergist? I’ve been consulting with our pediatrician and reading on my own. The pediatrician doesn’t think taking him to an allergist this early (3 months) makes sense because he’s too young for testing and we’re doing what we can do at this point (trying to identify and eliminate the allergens from my diet). Pediatrician seems pretty nonchalant about the whole thing and assumes he’ll probably outgrow the allergies. I’m wondering at what point I should take him in. I actually have loads of allergies myself (but only a few, easy-to-avoid food allergies) and I have an allergist that I see a few times a year, but haven’t been in recently enough to ask him about my son.

            1. I’d recommend looking into a pediatric immunologist. They do a pediatric residency followed by a clinical immunology residence (I think that’s what it’s called). They are specialized in treating allergies/asthma/eczema in children. If my small city has one – you should be able to find one in your area.

               It does sound like your current ped has a reasonable approach. Your ped is right that they generally won’t skin prick test until they are older. A good pediatric immunologist will only skin prick for things to which baby has already shown a reaction. Otherwise you risk a restricted diet based on a lot of false positives – especially in kids with sensitive skin. Our daughter tests positive on skin prick for wheat and soy – she’s had both without issue continually even though she has a strong dairy allergy. Our previous ped tested her for those – our current pediatric immunologist disagreed strongly with that approach.

            2. I’d definitely go to a good allergist. Yes, some babies outgrow their allergies, but I found it was infinitely easier on me to have an allergist guiding the timing of the blood/skin tests and being very proactive around scheduling the oral allergy challenges. My son first outgrew baked eggs/then raw eggs (scrambled), then baked dairy before raw dairy. It was also very reassuring to see that it took him A LOT of dairy to react towards the end (and not that another kid in daycare flinging a spoonful of yogurt on him by accident) would cause a reaction.
               Plus our daycare required an epi-pen and an allergy action plan, which is generally done by an allergist. Schools require the same here.

      4. oh! and to the OP: There are dairy/soy free chocolate chips, and there is ONE dark chocolate bar sold by Trader Joes that is milk and soy free. If you ask them they’ll get it for you :)

         1. Thank you! I have located the chocolate chips. ;)

      5. Just to give you some hope, my son had a dairy/soy allergy and completely outgrew it around a year. It was hard to basically be vegan for a year (I’m normally vegetarian) but like you, it was worth it for me to nurse. Good luck!

   6. I started doing Blue Apron, which resulted in a dramatic increase in my daily consumption of vegetables. I was in such a rut with my cooking and that rut didn’t include a lot of veggies. I definitely feel better now that I’m getting a more balanced diet.

      (I swear, I don’t work for BA; I’m just a huge fan.)

      1. Curious: do you feel like you have time to cook the meals? I tried it over the summer, which ended up coinciding with a very busy period at work, so I barely had time to cook the food and ended up giving a lot of it to my parents (who allowed me to eat the leftovers – the two meals seemed to feed three adults just fine). I liked the idea, though, and still kind of wish I could make it work for me.

         1. @ January – I’ve been doing Blue Apron for over a yr now and the time it takes me to cook something now is about half of what it was when I started. You start to see shortcuts (e.g. how you don’t really need to cut all the veggies at the start). So yeah, in the beginning it took me way longer than 30 min, now I’m pretty good at being able to make them in 30 min or so. Moral of the story is that the longer you use BA, the easier it gets:)

         2. +1

         3. I often think I don’t have time and then once I do it, I realize that it took far less time than I expected it to. It’s slower than my prior “boil pasta, dump sauce” routine, but I find it manageable.

      2. I also do Blue Apron/Plated (mix it up from week to week) and concur that it’s been one of the best changes I’ve made this year. We eat way more vegetables than we ever have before and much greater variety – I have never eaten some many brussel sprouts (and liked it)! The time savings for me comes in the planning and preparation – I don’t have to waste time each week thinking about what I’m going to cook, putting together a list, cross checking against the pantry etc. Of course we still go to the grocery store, but it’s just for the basics, so I don’t have to really “plan” before going – I just buy the usual suspects. We plan to cook the Blue Apron/Plated meals on nights that my husband and I are both home before 6:30, then one of us cooks while the other gets the kids ready for bed and we eat right before their bed times. It is so worth it for a delicious home cooked meal. Plus we fight a lot less as “what do you want for dinner/whatever. what do you want?” fifteen minute conversations on the way home from work used to make me crazy. Plus I find that I am much more willing to limit myself to lighter/healthier options during the day if I know I have a tasty and easy meal waiting for me at home. We hardly ever get take out or go out to restaurants any more either, so for us it’s a cost savings.

         Also do not work for either but I love it and regularly try to get others to try it, too!

   7. I got a dog about a month ago, and now I have to go out for a walk first thing in the morning. My routine before the dog was to mindlessly read the internet for an hour when I first got up. Now, I pour some coffee in a commuter mug and go for a 30-45 minute walk instead. It’s amazing.

   8. I revived my running training for upcoming spring/summer races after taking some time off during the winter. I also have been doing yoga regularly and taken up painting in my spare time.

   9. Green smoothies. I feel like I’m always soooo busy (which is no excuse, but still) and never get enough vegetables.

      Before bed, I throw 2 cups of kale, spinach, cucumbers, broccoli, carrots (or whatever I have in the fridge) and toss them into a mini-blender (a cheap $10 off Amazon) with some light apple juice–the sweetness of the apples covers up the bitterness of the veggies. It sounds disgusting but it’s actually very tasty. I’ve found that I feel better all day. I feel virtuous but also more energized–I don’t feel as dead tired after work.

      I also buy a veggie party plate at the grocery store every week. I know it’s more pricey than getting individual veggies and cutting them myself, but I know I just won’t do it. When I’m restless and looking for something to munch on, the party plate makes the veggies more accessible/tempting.

      1. Ah, another big one: precut veggies. Seriously, the extra $0.50 a pound means that I don’t stand, exhausted, in front of my fridge at 9 pm and think, “But all I have the energy to make is pasta.”

      2. I get veggie trays for my kids to snack on too. They are way more willing to eat veggies off the party tray then get a bag of carrots and some ranch out of the fridge. I’m willing to spend the money since it gets us all eating fresh veggies more often!

   10. One of my new year resolutions was “eat more vegetables” and I’ve stuck with it. Specifically, I eat vegetables with every dinner. I was eating an embarrassingly low amount of vegetables before, so dedicating myself to eating one meal with them no matter what is a great start.

       For me, the key to the “how” was adding “vegetable with dinner” to my irunurun app. The irunurun app has seriously been life changing for me in helping to create new habits since I started using it a year ago. I was always really driven by grades in school, and having the weekly “grade” and 24 week average really motivates me to completing daily things that I was forgetting/neglecting.

   11. Gave up diet soda/diet coke and artificial sweeteners generally. Every once in awhile I drink regular coke, but I don’t really crave it like I used to crave diet coke. I feel much better now that I don’t rely on diet coke as an energy boost and I’ve lost weight since giving it up (no idea if that’s related though).

   12. I finally got back into shape.

       When you’re a teenager and trying to get into shape, you just go out and run or play sports. As an adult, that’s a recipe for frustration and injuries. So one of the things that I did was start with very low-impact activities – elliptical, walking, rowing machine, more elliptical, more walking, etc. So I lost a bit of weight that way, strengthened muscles, and built a really good base.

       The other thing I did was to just drop in “gym” on my gmail calendar and sign up for a half-marathon. That way, when I was asked to do something that conflicted with scheduled workout time, I just said, “Will be there at 7:30 instead; I have to train tonight.” My life can be insanely busy and I have a lot of commitments, so I finally figured out that working out on a regular basis only happens when it’s scheduled and treated as if it’s a meeting or dinner with my family.

   13. Stopped visiting the candy dish at reception. Did it cold turkey by using gum and tea as a substitute. And now it’s spilled over into at home life and I’m eating less sugar there too. And I feel fantastic.

   14. i have cut my (bread/starch-based) carbs in 1/2 after getting a prediabetes diagnosis a few months ago. I’ve dropped 10 lbs (not that i needed to necessarily – i need to gain a few of those back) and have a lot more energy). my blood sugar levels are also much more stable. sadly, i did have to add fish into my diet (i had been vegetarian for 22 years until that point), but it’s been necessary so i don’t literally starve. overall a great change!

   15. I have been meditating for a little over a year now and it’s made a big difference in my stress level and tendency to overreact to events. And it’s lowered my BP. It’s easy to learn and doesn’t cost anything but maybe 15-20 min a day.

   16. Signed up for ClassPass! I went through a couple year period of not being as active as I’d like and ClassPass has kicked me back into gear.

3. I would feel very Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction in this. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing.

   1. Same reaction, on both counts. I’m still devastated that my hair does not have the texture to have her bob.

4. Would you consider it sexist if a supervisor called you “emotional” during a normal, run-of-the-mill workplace disagreement? This happened to me and I really don’t think my (female) supervisor would have said this to a male employee. I’m concerned that she is going to try to use this against me at my annual review, even though I have NEVER gotten feedback like that from anyone else and I actually tend to get lots of comments about managing high-stress situations well/keeping a level head about work commitments. I just have a bad feeling.

   1. Yay! Pricey Mondays! I love Pricey Monday and this peeplum blouse — but $425 for a cotton blouse is a little to pricey for even a young striveing partner at a boutique law firm like me! It is very pretty, but dad would skewer me if he found out I bought this! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, do NOT worry about it. Even if your supervisor was MALE, and said the same thing, it is NOT terrible. The manageing partner alway’s tells me I work with alot of passion, which is the same thing as being emotional. If we care about what we do, we will be passionate about it, which is the same as haveing emotions! Think about it this way, if you had NO emotion’s, you would be passionless, and pretty much ROBOTIC. Do you think that is better? Of course not. We, as professional ladie’s in the HIVE, must just remember that we have NOT gotten to where we are by being ROBOTS; instead, we are passionate about getting the job done RIGHT.

      If I were you, I would hold my head HIGH, knoweing that you care about what you do. In this high stress world in which we live in, it is to be expected that even your manageing partner herself may need to take a CHILL PILL from time to time! YAY!!!!!

   2. Depends. Were you being overly emotional?

      1. We had a disagreement, but I wouldn’t call it “emotional” at all. I can actually think of few situations where that word would be appropriate in the workplace (barring an extreme shouting match with personal insults or something).

         1. I mean, if people are being emotional, then it makes sense to use it to me. I don’t think it is necessarily sexist. Did you cry? Did you raise your voice, roll your eyes, interrupt? I think there are many ways to be inappropriately emotional in the office.

   3. I’m not sure from the provided information if it’s accurate or not, or sexist or not. What I do think is that it’s simply not useful. It’s not a valuable critique and I don’t see such a comment ever really being useful for change. If it’s a legitimate problem, it’s one I don’t see as being something to bring up IN the situation because it’s 100% definitely going to make everything worse and MORE emotional.

      I know you’re not necessarily asking for advice, but I’d say this is something to have a conversation about later with this supervisor. Maybe it’ll help both of you figure out why she said what she said and what would be more useful in the future.

      1. lost academic – I’m not the OP, but that is great advice. Comments like this are why I love this site. Pat on the back.

   4. I’ve called a male report emotional. And a male peer as well. With my report, it was true, he was having way too many personal feelings/outbursts about Strictly Business Things, and it was affecting the way people perceive him. With the peer, he was being a tyrant and an @ss and it was impacting overall morale..”emotional” was my gentle way of getting him to back off.

5. Thoughts on going to Alaska for Easter weekend (end of March)? Is it going to be super cold, or too cold to be enjoyable? We want a super easy vacation (not a city vacation) and we don’t want to get Zika.

   1. Depends on what you define as too cold and where you go. Anchorage is probably going to have highs in the mids 30s, maybe 40s in March.

      Mosquito season hasn’t started for the vast majority of the continental US. I’d focus on the national parks in the lower 48. Why not go to the Grand Canyon, if you haven’t been? Or the parks in CA? Mount Rushmore? Utah? Yellowstone? Some things are going to limited by snow, but I think most of the parks are still open.

   2. For a weekend? Are you in Seattle? It’s still going to be pretty cold and not necessarily easy to get out of town. What about Whistler/other BC ski-ing areas?

   3. I went last summer and it got into the 30s. It was still a very enjoyable trip despite the rain and cold and I cannot recommend it enough. Fly into Anchorage, take a day cruise out of Sewell. It’s a really beautiful place.

      1. I think you mean Seward.

   4. I LOVE Alaska, but I think March will be way too cold to enjoy the National Parks there and many things won’t be open because it’s not the tourist season. For example, Denali is one of the most easily accessible parks in AK because you can drive to the entrance, but you need to ride a park shuttle bus to go into the interior, and the park shuttle buses only run May – Sept. I think you’ll encounter the same kind of thing just about everywhere in AK.

      Anchorage itself is not a great weekend destination, IMO. If you’re looking for a Pac Northwest city, Seattle, Portland and Vancouver are all terrific options. If you want nature, I second the recs for California or the National Parks of Utah, Montana or Yellowstone. No Zika in any of those places. Just avoid the Southeastern US. There are maps that show the range of the mosquito that carries Zika and it doesn’t exist in the whole Western half of the US.

6. I would love to have a perfect white shirt. I do like the look of a perfect, crisp white button down, untucked (so must have a nice hem) with classic tailored wide leg pant and heels and great jewelry. It looks very lux to me.

   But honestly, I always feel like a wrinkled, uncomfortable mess in button downs.

   And this blouse is too expensive.

   Where is your perfect button down from?

   Do you have your shirts laundered/?starched to give them that crisp look?

   Or is this just a look that is impossible to pull off?

   I’m a skinny pear, with no b00bs.

   1. I got my buttondowns on sale at BR for like $35. I’m thin but busty, so I also sewed between the buttons so avoid gaping, and I put it on over my head. I’m surprised how well it works, and more busty women who would like to wear button downs but don’t feel like they can should try it.

   2. I’m confused by your desire for a crisp white shirt when you say you feel like a wrinkled mess in button front shirts?

      Personally, I gave up on the idea of the perfect white shirt. I never found one I thought was flattering, and even when I got close, I couldn’t keep them clean.

      These days I usually do a dark column of color (black skit, black shell or charcoal skirt grey shell) and any color variation is in the topper – cardigan or jacket.

      I personally look better in a scoop neck anyway, as do many women with a rack.

      1. +1, although I do not have any rack to speak of. I cannot get button down shirts to work for me and have given up.

      2. +1. The collars were always limp (I don’t think the collar stands on women’s shirts are interfaced nearly as much as men’s shirts) and would slide back. I prefer a fabric with drape over the crisp cotton anyway.

      3. I just wash my shirts at home, and might pull out an iron once in a blue moon.

         It occurred to me that maybe women who wear these shirts get them professionally laundered and maybe “starched” (I have no idea what this means) to make them look crisp. So that’s what I was wondering. Do people who wear this do this, or have some magic shirt that always looks good?

         I look like a wrinkled mess, even after ironing my shirt, within a couple hours.

         But I realize that I just may not be able to pull off this look.

         1. You buy a can of spray starch and use it while ironing.

            I keep meaning to do this but that would actually involve ironing. Right now an extra 5 min in the dryer is my iron. At least I have the starch… I’ll have to try it sometime.

   3. Brooks Brothers no wrinkle shirts. Wait for a sale and you can get them in the ~$75 range. They are not perfectly crisp and starchy, but they do resist the daytime wrinkles pretty well.

      1. They aren’t long enough for my arms :( It made me so sad.

      2. YES THESE ARE MAGIC

      3. Just went to their website, and all the shirts on the model are wrinkled and the model looks awful.. styling… whatever.

         Not chic at all.

   4. I feel the same way – they never fit perfectly and always ride up or bunch up and wrinkle when I sit and stand and move my arms. Tailoring might help, but the fit isn’t that bad to begin with. I’ve always wanted to get a button down shirt that is a bodysuit in hopes that would stay nicely tucked.

7. The gemstone in my right hand ring is a little loose. Where should I get that fixed, in DC? I ordered the ring from Zales but the internet says their repairs are terrible.

8. I’ve been told casually that I’m likely to be asked to be a bridesmaid in several upcoming weddings (not yet engaged couples, likely to be in next 6 months with 3-4 weddings next summer). While these are friends I would move heaven and earth for, they do live all around the country and I’m worried about my ability to pull off the responsibilities and financial obligations, especially for multiple weddings in the same time frame – google scared me a lot last night.

   So two questions for those of you who have been brides/bridesmaids/close friends but not bridesmaids before:
   1. Realistically, how expensive is it to be a bridesmaid?
   2. Is saying no a possibility without ruining the friendship? Is it expected that I would be making 3 non-direct-cross-country trips (shower, bachelorette party, wedding) for each friend? Is there a way to voice my concerns without ruining my friends’ moments or is this a suck-it-up-and-deal-with-it thing?

   As a side note, these will be happening while I’m back in school, so while vacation time is not as much of an issue, money definitely is. I’m trying to budget ferociously over the next few months while I’m still working, but don’t even know what my target should be!

   1. I think you’re borrowing trouble. Your friends aren’t even engaged yet, haven’t set a wedding date yet, and haven’t asked you to be a bridesmaid yet–let alone set unrealistic expectations for what that means. But to answer your questions, I think it’s typically run me about $1000 to be a bridesmaid (dress, travel, hosting events, etc in addition to regular wedding costs like gift and hotel). I think it’s possible but delicate to say no — I would personally say yes but draw boundaries in terms of travel and expense. And I think it’s definitely crazy to travel across country so many times so I would just say you can’t.

      1. Just a suggestion – but 1K may be low

         The bride’s mom hosted the shower for the most recent wedding i was in but these are how the costs shook out

         Dress – $300
         Alternations to dress – $110 (don’t even get me started on how they have to make these things on an individual basis, to a specific size but cant make them to the exact measurements – check out azize if this also drives you up a wall)
         Shower: Drove to shower so costs were somewhat minimal – lets say $50 in gas instead of a plane ticket
         Shower gift: $65
         Bachelorette:
         Hotel (split) – $250
         Flight – $300
         Food/Incidentals for a relatively low key beach weekend – $150 (probably more but lets call it $150)
         Wedding:
         Gift: $150
         Travel (drove from CT to Virginia since it was in the middle of nowhere and a rental car would have been another expense) – Gas: $100
         Hotel: $350 (this was cheap for the area but was part of offsetting the couple’s costs for the B&B they had to rent)

         Total – $1850+ some undetermined amount… and that was being kinda cheap and driving everywhere

   2. You really have to ask the brides what they want/expect of you. They will probably not expect you to be at every shower/bachelorette event. They might have you use your own shoes, or just buy a dress you’d buy anyway (black? maybe?) It’s hard to gauge at this stage .

   3. I said no to being a bridesmaid for one of my oldest, most beloved friends.

      She was getting married a few months after my baby was due, across the country from where I lived. It would have been possible, but exhausting, to do it. I actually initially said yes, and then about a week later (well in advance of the wedding and my due date) changed it to a no. In saying no, I focused on why the new baby thing (and the geography thing) would make it harder for me to be good support *for her* — because it was true, but also because I didn’t want to make it all about me. It helped that I was able to contribute a particular skill of my own to her wedding, so that I could be a part of it, and really help her, but in a way that made sense with my other commitments and energy level.

      We are still great friends. She understood.

      1. I was on the receiving end of a friend initially accepting, then declining my asking her to be a bridesmaid. Similarly, she said yes when I first asked. Then she called me back after my MOH started getting in touch about plans and explained that it just wasn’t in her budget. She still came to my shower (not bachelorette) and wedding. I had her do a reading at the ceremony, which was a good way for her to be involved but not affect her budget.

         We are also still great friends.

      2. I’ve declined a few requests to be a bridesmaid, and it seems the word has gotten around so no one else has asked me. I love my friends, I happily get involved in wedding planning if they need it, I attend all the ancillary events if invited, and I’m always thrilled to celebrate their wedding day, but really prefer to be wearing a dress I chose when I do it. And really, isn’t wearing an outfit that someone else chose for you the key hallmark of being a bridesmaid? Not being a bridesmaid hasn’t affected my friendships at all – I’m still very close with all those friends.

   4. I would get out of it haha. I have been a bridesmaid many times and always kick myself afterwards.

      Cost:
      Gifts: wedding, shower, bachelorette party
      Dress
      Shoes
      Matching Jewelry (depending how crazy your bride is)
      Dress Tailoring
      Hair
      Nails
      Travel
      Hotel

      It adds up. I don’t think I have gotten away with spending under $1,500 on someone’s wedding when I was a bridesmaid for an out of town wedding.

      The Awesome Etiquette Podcast just did a “How to be an awesome friend to someone who recently got engaged” topic and it talks about how to be excited about a friend’s wedding but still get out of the bridesmaid duties without hurting feelings. http://www.infiniteguest.org/awesome-etiquette/2016/02/spoiler-alerts-spoiler-alert/

      Lastly – I have loved being the “on deck helper” for the wedding. Not full on bridesmaid but I show up for the pieces that I can and my friends are understanding when I live in another country or state that I don’t have the time to be a full on bridesmaid. That way I don’t have to spend money on a dress that I won’t wear ever again, don’t have to fly in for the bachelorette weekend. But I do get to hang out with my friend on the day of and be that extra helper to run grab things, etc. My friends are totally thankful, and I am happy to be involved but then get to commit only as much as I can.

      1. I think your last paragraph is really smart. Do this, OP.

      2. I would say this is why you should talk to your friends about what they expect. As a 40-year-old from the northeast, this descriptions was what is expected from a bridesmaid among my friend group. Maybe a shower OR a bachelorette party organized by a bridesmaid who lived close to the bride. I understand that some people/places have different norms, but unless you already know, you should ask.

      3. I had never heard of this podcast but love it already – Thank you!

   5. So, I think the financial impact of being a bridesmaid varies enormously based on the expectations of the bride and your social circle and how much you want to be involved.

      In my experience, however, being a bridesmaid did not end up being much more expensive than traveling to the wedding itself, other than the cost of the dress and possibly hair/makeup on the day (which in my experience was also at the election of each bridesmaid). Plus maybe a $100 or so contribution to shower/party costs or something. For the brides that were cross-country, there was no expectation of traveling back for the shower or bachelorette. I might have gotten to the wedding location a day or so early to allow for rehearsal and helping out, so there was an incremental lodging cost. But again, it’s the airfare and hotel to the wedding itself that will getcha, not so much the added expense of bridesmaiding (especially if you can do your own hair and makeup, and especially if the bride allows you to pick your own dress).

      However, I will say that my friends were exceedingly reasonable brides (and frankly, they wouldn’t have been my friends if they weren’t).

      I don’t think turning down the offer really works (again, based on my own experience), but I think there’s nothing wrong with expressing excitement about taking part in your friend’s celebration, but also being clear from the outset that you can’t do multiple trips or massive Vegas blowouts or whatever.

      (Also, if you are the Maid of Honor, please ignore all prior advice. All bets are off)

      1. +1. FWIW, I paid for all my maids’ dresses and I also paid for some of their hotel rooms, and I didn’t have a bachelo r e t t e party and none of them came to my shower (except my sister who was my MOH), so it was just travel to the wedding.

         1. You were an awesome bride and an awesome friend. Unfortunately a lot of time these turn into crazed affairs financed on the backs of your friends and family

   6. Agree with Batgirl that you’re worrying a little too soon, but I also like to be prepared, so

      1 – When I’ve paid for the dress, it’s been in the $200 range. But that largely depends on the taste/demand of your friend. New shoes if I need them, and I usually get my hair done with the bride, so another $75-$100. All my weddings have been local, but assume at least a couple nights’ hotel stay for each. My shower was thrown jointly by my bridesmaids, but when I was a bridesmaid (four times), there was a single host and the other bridesmaids didn’t contribute to that.
      2 – Saying no has several levels of trickiness, as does limiting events. Are these part of the same friend group? I think it would be difficult to turn one or two down, as well has having to choose which “extra” events to go to if you’re in all the weddings. If they brides know each other, there could be hurt feelings if you attend Bride 1’s shower and bachelorett**e, but not Bride 2 or 3’s. But everyone understands finances. You just have to figure out what your priorities are. Maybe you just say you’ll be in all 3 weddings, but you won’t travel for any other events. You have more wiggle room if it’s not the same friend group, but keep in mind that if they brides don’t know each other, there’s a good chance they’ll end up with the same date.

   7. No, you dont have to fly in 3 times for each wedding! If asked, I’d say just that- “I’d love to, but just so you know I can’t afford to fly in for the shower or bachelorette.”

   8. I think saying no to being a bridesmaid will hurt the friendship, but I also think the only event you have to go to is the wedding. In my circle of friends, we didn’t even really do bachelore t t e parties, and it was very common for long-distance bridesmaids to skip the shower (sending regrets and a small gift). In my circle, the bride pays for everyone’s hair, and makeup, jewelry, shoes, and nails are all within the bridesmaids’ discretion (no different than if you were attending the wedding as a guest). The cost of being a ‘maid (since I would attend the out of town wedding of a dear friend anyway) was really just the dress, which was usually <$200, so I have found that it hasn't been a big expense.

      1. And if the bride doesn’t pay for your hair… thats another $100 out the door – unfortunately this happens more often than now i think

   9. I think this depends a lot on the bride. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, and my biggest piece of advice is to try to have a good sense of what all the potential duties/expenses will be, and pick and choose what is important to you.

      For instance, I wouldn’t think it’s necessary to plan for 3 trips per bride. You can skip the bridal shower or bachelorette if it’s something you’re not that into or the timing is particularly bad or particularly expensive. I skipped the shower and sent a card and a small gift and it was fine. I paid for my dress both times ($150) but actually I DID wear them again to my work’s holiday parties so that wasn’t too bad. The bride’s mother in both cases paid for hair and makeup, and I paid for a manipedi with the other bridesmaids before the wedding. I bought pretty cheap shoes in one case and used a pair I already had in the other case. Traveling/accomodations for the wedding are no different than if you are a regular guest. I chose to not go out 1/3 of the pre-wedding nights with the bridal party (I was exhausted anyway). Emphasize to the bride that you love them and are excited to be there for them, but they SHOULD be understanding of some constraints in your life.

   10. I agree with the poster above that this is borrowing trouble, but I can totally see how the cost can mount up.

       Something that’s interesting to me from reading the posts though, is that hair/make-up/dress are included in the cost. I’ve been MOH twice (in the UK) and the second time I paid for half of my dress, but other than that the brides paid for everything – hairdresser, make up artist, tailoring etc – and I wore an existing pair of shoes I already had. This may be a cultural thing, but I was interested in seeing these items being part of the cost. The only time I would expect my BMs to pay for their dress, is if I gave them free range on what to wear. If I as the bride decide on the dress, then I’d expect to pay for it.

       1. In the US, bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, as a general custom. Brides get to pick those dresses, and should do so in accordance with the bridesmaids budgets.

   11. I’d agree with most of what has been said – be up front about your travel restrictions and cost concerns. It is easier to bring this up before the bride thinks about what she wants than after she’s picked the bachelorette party locations or found her dream bridesmaid dress. If you aren’t contributing to the shower, maybe offer to put together a breakfast for the maids, bride, and maybe her mom on the morning of the wedding. Also, there is something to be said for the bridesmaid who is the one the bride can call to vent to over the phone and distress with – if you’re far away, try to be super supportive and check on her more.

       Stay on top of when you need to order bridesmaid dresses. I just paid $70 for “rush delivery” because we only ordered the dresses 16 weeks in advance (which should be enough – that was so frustrating). Be the person telling the bride 6 months out that you need to be looking at dresses.

   12. Very bride-dependent. I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times–the first let me pick my own dress and didn’t care about hair/makeup/shoes and didn’t have a bachelorette. The second paid for my dress and hair, another bridesmaid did our makeup, and the bachelorette was super low key two nights before the wedding because we were all from out of town (dinner/drinks and bowling. It was actually pretty awesome). The third I paid for dress/hair/makeup, but bride kept everyone’s budget in mind re dress (I think it was about $120? And I could probably legitimately wear it again to a black-tie function). I skipped the bachelorette with no hard feelings because I couldn’t get vacation time, though I did go to a shower (which involved a plane ride). So if your friends are equally low key, it doesn’t have to be that much more than what you would spend to travel to the wedding.

   13. It really depends on the bride.

       Here is what you would say, when asked: “Thank you so much, Sarah1 I’m so happy you asked me. But while I am so excited to attend your wedding and see you and Mike get married, I just do not have the time and money to be a bridesmaid. I can make it in for the wedding, but I just don’t have the time and money for much else.”

   14. Yes to all the above advice (and 2 of my weddings were when I lived cross country).

       If these women are true friends, they will absolutely not expect you at all events. I only attended the weddings – would have LOVED to do showers and baches but I just did not have the money to travel for everything. Cost was about 1k each: flights hotels dresses etc adds up.

   15. this is a know-your-bride thing. When I got married, ONE bridesmaid planned my shower (my MOH and also, my sister). The 3 that were withing driving distance attended, and one was across the country and couldn’t make it. She sent a lovely gift and helped my sister design and mail the invites. I had a bachelorette a few weekends before my wedding and again, the local gals attended. It was low-key and I think they split the cost of a 2-room hotel suite and booze 5 ways. The dresses I chose were $130, and I didn’t “require” hair/nails/makeup be done. I got mine done and a few came along for either or both.

       My sister is getting married and is hilariously low maintenance. my dress was <$100, she's not into the bachelorette thing so we're just doing a spa day a few days before her wedding with any of her ladyfriends that are in town. I'm co-hosting her shower, with my aunt and 2 of her 5 bridesmaids will be there.

9. On average, what percentage of your salary does your annual raise come out to (if you get an annual raise)? This might be a range.

   1. 3% standard, and generally 10-20% if I get a promotion (title change) that year.

   2. I work for a Fortune 500 company. We have apparently done away with annual raises. We only had standard annual raises last year (3% ish). Other years you have to get promoted to get any increase. And promotions tend to be a minimum of 3-5 years apart, other than the first promotion from entry level, which may take 1 1/2 to 2 years.

      1. I meant to say, we had standard raises last year, but didn’t for three years before that, and no standard raises this year.

   3. None; I got a 10% raise last year but about 5 years prior I had gotten a 10% cut and then flat in the interim.

   4. 5% this year (6% bonus). Nothing last year.

   5. I work in state government. We don’t get annual raises. Every few years (or longer) we get a cost of living increase of around 2%, which usually corresponds to an increase in premiums on health insurance or other benefits and so the net outcome is a decrease in pay. I had a raise of 15% about 5 years ago that was the result of a promotion. Promotions are rare though and only come when someone leaves our office.

   6. 3% is standard, 5-7% is more in line with someone who did a really good job but doesn’t get a promo. The variance has to do with how high up in their payband they are (eg. two people have the same title and the same performance. Due to whatever reason, they make $70k and 80k. I take my raise pool and give the person making 70k a 6% raise and the person making 80k a 4% raise). At my company, the closer you get to the top of your payband, the smaller the raise (even if your performance is great). The idea is you get promoted into the next role, or eventually stop getting increases.

      This sounds awful but it’s really not bad in practice. we have really wide bands, and typically hire in at the bottom 25% of the band so there is lots of room for growth. You can be in a role for 5 years and get 5+% raises annually, as long as your idiot boss didn’t hire you in at the top 10% of the payband for the role.

   7. I work in local government that finally has a pay plan, so 2.5% every year. My first year here I received a 0.75% raise, then nothing for five years, during which time our state reworked pension payments so my salary went backwards. I am thrilled we have a pay plan and hope we keep following it!

   8. 3-4%, 20% if promotion.

10. What is your preferred planner/organizer/note-taking system? I am struggling to keep up with piles of information headed my way. I do fine with appointments, thanks to my phone which syncs with our email and calendar system at work, but I need a system to keep track of all of the information that comes my way during meetings, along with all the to-do items that arise during meetings. I prefer taking notes on paper, and would like to have a lot of stuff well-organized in one place. I am considering either the Arc or the Circa system (or some from both, because I can’t imagine paying $50 for a cover but I love some of the Circa pages), but I am open to different ideas. Please share if you have a favorite!

    1. I use a monthly diary for mapping out months – it has monthly spreads and note pages which is great for sketching out goals. For general notes, I do use Evernote for most things (meeting notes, reading notes, data collection) but I’ve been hearing great things about bullet journaling.

       The appeal of the Circa/Arc system (with a hole punch) is there, particularly if I could have different folders for each project in progress (ie. conference paper 1, conference paper 2, teaching etc)

    2. I swear by Levenger/Rollabind/Arc/Circa. I would be a disaster without it. The first half of mine is planner pages , then the second half is notes. I have all of the add-ons too, like the to-do lists, dividers and tab notes to help divide it up into sections and to mark important to-dos or meeting notes.

       I have the pocket folder dividers to keep important documents, and I have the hole punch to make any document Levenger friendly. It makes it so easy to organize things according to project.

       The only way I remember to do anything is to quickly write it down on my list after a meeting or 1:1 in my book or it will never get done.

       I actually just ordered new planner pages today and got freakishly excited. I love my Levenger and would be lost without it.

    3. I really like the Arc system.

    4. I LOVE my NeuYear calendar. Love love love love it. I don’t use all of the areas for what they’re supposed to be used for (like most of the goal setting/tracking I don’t use – I have an app that does that) but I use the week view and schedule my day. I keep three general lists that are specific to my job functions (quotes, review, and order parts) in the idea generation section. Then in the weekly view, I schedule time to work on those lists (i.e. this afternoon I have an hour to work on quotes). I loosely follow it, and highlight items when they’re done. If there are some items not highlighted at the end of the week, I move them to the next week.

       1. Here’s the link: http://www.neuyear.net/collections/time-domination-products/products/the-week-dominator

    5. I carry around a planner called the “2016 Action Day Planner” got it on amazon but available at officedepot type stores too. This is my fifth yearly planner of this type.

       I used to use just a plain notebook, but the Action Day is better. Hard cover (can write on my lap if needed), opens to one page a week with to-do sections, project section and delegation section so I can see the whole week’s plan at once. Also has a section where I can take notes on individual meetings (date, time, questions, follow-up), and a yearly overview planner. Additional pages have room for phone numbers and while every phone number is in my phone and on my work laptop, this saves having to dig those out when we’re in a conference room and want to call Pete in XYZ company.

11. How does everyone determine how much they need to be saving for retirement? We recently looked at a few online calculators and they spit out everything from 12% to 48% of current income. I know we’re slightly behind since I was unemployed and my husband was sort of underemployed (in terms of income) for awhile, but I don’t think we’re going to hit 48% of income any time soon.

    1. We save 15% of gross income for retirement. We save additional money on top of that for large purchases. Our retirement planning is based off the assumptions that we will receive zero dollars from social security and that we will have paid for homes at retirement.

       Have you taken the RIQ assessment at Chrishogan360 dot com? Might be a good place to start. He’s the retirement guy for Dave Ramsey. No affiliation but I like his approach (essentially – first figure out what you want your retirement to look like, and then backtrack to figure out how much $ you need and how much to put away based on that).

    2. You can look at the Fidelity (I think) general rule of thumb as X% of salary by the time you’re 30, etc. etc.

       But if you feel behind, you could take a look at Mr. Money Mustache and adopt some of his suggestions to spend less/save more. If you are both high earners now, see how much you’re saving in retirement and non-retirement accounts right now, and then try to bump it up by a few points every month.

       1. Mr. Money Mustache recommends saving 25x your annual SPENDING so that you can have a 4% withdrawal rate. When you factor in what your retirement expenses will be, consider (a) your children may not be in daycare/college and may be low-cost; (b) even if you paid off your mortgage you still have to pay property tax and home insurance; (c) you may have other sources of income in retirement (e.g., social security, pensions, part-time jobs) that can help offset that annual spending.

    3. There are a lot of variables the online calculators don’t take into account. I have no idea if we are saving “enough” but we are saving as much as we can now. The key is to just get started asap. Also, you have twins right? Expenses are really high when the kids are little (daycare, etc.) but should level out once they start school (unless you go the private school route, I suppose). What we did was to save as much as we could while our kids were in daycare and then whenever we got a “raise” – whether it was an actual raise or a reduction in expenses, like daycare rates going down as they got older – we put most/all of the additional money towards retirement.

    4. It’s hard. We are in our peak earnings right now, so those online calculators that tell me we need 60% of our current gross income are hilarious. Our largest expenses right now are our mortgage (4500/mo), student loan debt (800/mo) and childcare (1800/mo), none of which will not exist during retirementt.

       We want to be able to retire between 55 and 60 (once the last kid is in or ideally out of college), and our house will be paid off by then. We have a big house in a town with $$$ taxes, which we will sell and downsize. We’re early 30s now with about 350k between us saved for retirement. DH stands to inherit quite a bit of money from his parents, which is not at all something we are counting on, but it may help us retire earlier–we’ve already talked about earmarking that inheritance to pay for college tuitions (which they would love) and in that case, there will be a windfall of approx 500k that would otherwise be spent on sending our kids to school.

       I would consider a sunset career, in something like social services for the elderly or a nonprofit related to elder care, while DH is ready to retire today and tinker in his shop :) So we may do that for a while, too.

12. I got offered a position to join a small firm founded by partners I worked with in my BigLaw firm. I am no longer in BigLaw. The smaller firm has been around for about 5 years and it appears many of the large clients followed the partners to the new firm. I am considering the offer, but looking for some insight as to what the path to partnership looks like at smaller firms? Is it possible to make partner without a book of business? What questions should I be asking regarding future partnership?

    1. I think there is not one answer to this question — small firms differ tremendously from one another. The best answer you’re going to get to this question will be from the partners themselves.

    2. I worked at a firm like this for many years and absolutely loved it. It was just the right mix of talented and smart colleagues, interesting clients, important cases, and reasonable expectations and work-life balance. (I ultimately left to ditch my long commute – otherwise I would have stayed.)

       On the partnership question, in my experience, small firms definitely want to see business generation potential before making someone a partner. When you have fewer people and you are working for the firm’s founders, everyone is closer to the money coming in. You might not have to pull your own weight entirely, especially in the beginning, but they don’t have as much bandwidth to absorb a non-producing partner as a big firm might. The people at my old firm who made partner tended to be generating around 20% of their workload. Enough to prove that they had rainmaking potential, but the expectation wasn’t outrageous.

       Definitely ask about it at the interview – it will show that you’re interested in the firm long-term and that you’re interested in business development.

    3. Yes, agree that there is no one answer to this question. Small firms differ even more than bigger firms (which also differ way more than people would think). At some smaller firms, they may push you to partnership earlier, as it can be a real cost-savings to them to stop paying benefits and basically just pay you for what you actually do. Some places can be even more difficult than big law, if you’re at a place where they are unlikely to cede any control. Definitely ask the partners themselves. The question of simply “what is the path to partnership here?” is going to be expected, frankly.

13. Stationary question: I am looking for a better, more professional-looking notebook/portfolio solution. Here’s what I think I need, but not sure if it exists: A leather portfolio where I can insert a spiral notebook of my choice. Not too bulky. Preferably something I could fold back onto itself (so the footprint is the size of a legal pad) – this is the challenging to find part. I don’t like having to find lots of table space to put down the notebook when I need to write, which is the great thing about spirals. My current spirals are looking a bit too junior though.

    I prefer to have notebooks rather than pads. I also use fountain pens exclusively, so am picky about the paper I write on, which is why I haven’t gone for something like the Levenger notebooks.

    1. You can punch any paper and put it in a Levenger discbound, if that would solve your problems. Levenger also has also at various times collaborated with Rhodia – so you can get Rhodia paper or a Rhodia notebook that work with a Levenger folio. Rhodia also makes some really nice spiralbound notebooks that might work for you on their own.

       1. Will totally look into the Rhodia/Levenger collab. Did not know about that. Thanks!

14. I asked for bag advice last week – I saw that Radley had a good sale on their site and ordered the Maddox Street in the large size. Now I’m even more excited to start my job this autumn.

    1. I have a Radley leather tote and I absolutely love it. It has changed my life. 3 years on, still looks like new.

    2. I’m another Radley lover. I’ve recommended them a couple times here.

    3. Doh, I had never heard of Radley. Border tote on it’s way to me now…..

15. I just wanted to provide an update from my post a couple of weeks ago. I did go see my doctor and he said my symptoms are common indicators of depression, particularly given that there is a history of depression in my family. He said he frequently sees professionals with something less severe than major depression coming in because difficulties with focus, concentration, or memory are impacting their work. So I’ve started an antidepressant and am feeling somewhat better, although I’m still in the adjustment period and suspect I’m feeling better more due to hope than due to the medicine itself at this point. He also strongly recommended counseling and I’m working on setting up my first appointment. Thanks again for the many responses and encouragement. Making the appointment was hard for me, but I’m so glad that I did!

    1. Good job.

       When I am anxious > depressed, I similarly cannot focus, have memory problems, make crazy common spelling/word choice errors/typos etc.. And then usually I have difficulty sleeping, which will also make all of those cognitive problems worse.

       There is a reason why depression is also called “pseudo-dementia”. An incredibly high proportion of people who go to see a Neurologist specializing in Alzheimer’s disease/dementia find out after after history taking/exam/testing that they actually suffer from depression. Depression is very common in elderly populations, and is terrible undertreated.

    2. Yay! That’s great news for your well-being. I was really down after some tough times at work and I went to meet with a therapist. It’s made a huge difference in how I cope. My therapist also diagnosed me with generalized anxiety in addition to being acutely depressed for a little bit. I thought that it was just me being normal me but I realized that normal me was also anxious me…so I am glad I sought help! Just knowing that what I had was manageable and that there is someone to help me made a world of difference. Good luck!

    3. As my psychiatrist puts it, welcome to “better living through chemistry.”

16. I have an interview this afternoon for a position that seems on the surface like a good fit. Worried about salary, but figure I can take that one step at a time.

    Struck out a couple times last year with jobs – had a couple offers but nothing that ended up coming to fruition. In an okay spot to wait it out for now, but hoping this is the right position.

    Good vibes appreciated!

    1. You’ll do great! They’ll be lucky to have you!

    2. Good vibes being sent!

17. Has anyone ever experienced skin problems (particularly Rosacea) on one cheek only? I have had a somewhat major breakout on my left cheek since I weaned my baby back in October. I keep thinking that it will go away once my hormones even out, but it’s been 4 months at this point! My right cheek is perfect – not a blemish in sight. It’s the strangest thing. Any ideas? I did have rosacea flare-ups in my 20’s, but haven’t had any issues since I got pregnant with my first 5 years ago.

    1. Do you happen to sleep on your left side? If so, maybe it’s worth changing your pillowcases more often?

       1. This was my first thought, but I usually sleep on my right side!

    2. Any chance it’s your left cheek? I noticed my left cheek looked red and irritated, and after a lot of trial and error and way too many skin creams…I realized it was from the sunlight through the driver’s side window. My commute is about 45 minutes each way, which was enough to cause some sunburn :( I had the window tinted and it cleared up with a few weeks.

       Also, if it’s very cold by you, wind burn and dry skin can cause skin to get irritated in only certain places. Heavy moisturizers can help!

       1. Yes, it is on my left side! I don’t have a particularly long commute (20 min in the morning, it’s dark in the evening) but it’s a thought! Thanks.

    3. Rosacea can cause broken capillaries. The only way to get rid of them permanently is with laser treatments.

       1. Thanks! I actually do have some broken capillaries that I should have treated, but that’s not what this is. It’s more red and bumpy…

    4. Do you talk with your phone on that side? maybe try to switch up what side you talk with the phone on?

    5. Yep. I have crazy rosacea and one cheek is often redder than the other, although on me it alternates! My rosacea can flare up from the heat of the sun, even if I am not susceptible to burning, i.e., through a window. V beam was life-changing for my rosacea. I also had an allergy test which cleared up some questions I had about my flareups. Good luck, rosacea is a monster!!

       1. ^This; it doesn’t necessarily mean sun burn, just irritation from sun exposure

18. Is it a bad idea to email your former boyfriend’s sibling to say goodbye after a breakup?

    My boyfriend and I dated for a year, just broke up amicably. I felt a close bond with one of his sisters, though we only met a few times, since we don’t live near each other. But she was really excited about my and bf’s relationship and said she hoped I would join their family, though she and I never fully developed a separate relationship without boyfriend there.

    I wouldn’t be saying anything bad about former bf or looking for sympathy, just wanting to say goodbye, enjoyed getting to know you, and sorry I won’t get the chance to know you better.

    Is this a weird or inadvisable thing to do?

    1. kind of weird.

    2. Weird. You only met a few times and didn’t have an independent relationship. You were not close.

       1. Seconded

    3. I think it is inadvisable. Maybe in a few months/a year you can reach out to them, but I wouldn’t send that email. It just seems awkward to me.

    4. I think weird since you said you only met a few times and didn’t have your own relationship outside of BF.

    5. I think it’s weird. It’s okay to be sad that she will likely no longer be in your life but… nope.

    6. I had an ex do this with a couple that we hung out with several times. I’m sure he meant well, but it made everyone involved feel very uncomfortable.

       1. Hmm, yeah. I certainly don’t want to make her uncomfortable or make myself into the weird ex-girlfriend who can’t let go.

       2. My ex did this to a lot of people, including my brother and SIL, my best friend, my cousin he met once, etc. IT WAS WEIRD. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

          1. Eek, I would never do this! It would only be one of his sisters that I felt close to (I liked his other family members but wouldn’t consider reaching out to them).

    7. Interesting responses. I don’t think it’s weird, especially given that you said it ended amicably. My mom is FB friends with my brother’s ex-gf, because the two of them hit it off. I don’t think they ever see each other, but they keep in touch. I think it’s nice.

       1. +1 the responses surprised me. Can’t imagine anyone would find it weird to get an email that just said something like “enjoyed meeting you and your family. As you know, it didn’t work out with BF but wishing you all the best in the future.”

       2. Yeah, this is what I was hoping people would say…on the other hand would hate to do something that made people feel uncomfortable. If I were on the receiving end, I think I would feel sad and maybe not know what to say in response, but not like “what a weird thing to do,” as long as the content wasn’t over the top.

          But I asked because I wasn’t sure if I was thinking clearly or fogged up by sadness about what I am losing (including a relationship with his sister who really seemed to care about me). I appreciate all the responses, either way.

       3. +! – I’ve done this before. Generally after a longer relationship, but after a year of being part of someone’s family, I think it’s nice. It’s only awkward depending on how you phrase things.

       4. +1 – I did this with my ex’s sister but we did have an independent relationship (I hung out with her and her daughter a few times without my ex being there, initiated by her)

    8. So, we have sort of this situation in my family. My oldest nephew, who has at times been more like my son (see: families are complicated) has had a couple of girlfriends everyone in the family liked.

       I’m changing the names here but it goes like this:

       1) Winona and nephew dated, got serious, moved in together and then fought like cats and dogs every day and then nephew dumped Winona. While things were good, we all became close with Winona. Most of us think nephew was a jerk. My own mother sees Winona regularly (she works at a business my mother frequents) and my mother keeps reminding her grandson my nephew that Winona is still single and that he was a fool. As far as we know, she is telling Winona this stuff too, which helps no one.

       2) nephew meets and falls in love with Shalene. Shalene wants to know why everyone is still friends with Winona. She feels threatened. We are all Facebook friends with Shalene. Nephew dumps Shalene. We all think nephew is a jerk, but we are still “friends” with Shalene, and my sister, nephew’s mother, updates nephew about Shalene’s goings-on all the time. This helps no one.

       So, think about what is really going to come of a continued friendship with ex’s sister. You will probably get to hear about his new relationships, sister will probably feel bad telling you. It won’t help you and it won’t help her.

       You need to find friends who are not related to this guy if he really is out of your life. Make a clean break. And no, do not write the letter. I can’t imagine it being received in any way other than weird.

19. When I turned 30, my hairdresser pointed out that my hair was getting a bit thin. I hadn’t noticed until she pointed it out–in my youth, hairdressers always commented on its thickness, and it was a shock to realize this was no longer true! It’s not horrible (no bald spots), but my part looks wider and things look a bit thin overall.

    My hairdresser said hair vitamins really work and recommended Viviscal…has anyone tried this or something else? I’m skeptical but could be convinced.

    Or any other tips to combat this? I just got my thyroid checked and it was normal.

    1. I have a slight case of alopecia. Right now I have no bald spots, but my hair is very thin (my ponytail is about a pencil’s width) and I have wide parts.

       I tried Rogaine, Viviscal and injections and had no progress.

       Check out Toppik at Sallys or on Amazon. It’s a fiber powder you sprinkle on top that clings to your hair. It makes my parts look normal and my hair much thicker than it really it; it makes it possible for me to wear my hair down without looking sick. It doesn’t come off when you touch your hair or anything; it only comes out when you wash it.

       One note–if you’re going tot ry it, get one shade lighter than you think you need; it runs very dark.

       1. Thanks! I had a feeling that the Viviscal thing sounded too good to be true. I will keep this in mind if I can’t improve the issue by actually getting more hair back (sigh…).

    2. I have been using Rogaine (liquid women’s) and I LOVE THE RESULTS. I was starting to look very very thin up top. I’m only 27. Also, I started taking a multivitamin and Biotin. My acupuncturist also recommended scalp massages so I’ve been massaging my scalp.

       I see a huge difference in only 6 weeks after using Rogaine religiously twice a day. I’m so relieved. My friends have commented on how full my hair is now…and I was seriously starting to see major scalp.

       1. That’s interesting! For some reason I thought I’d heard that once you lost hair, Rogaine wouldn’t help to get it back, just maintain the current level. Admittedly I’m not too informed, though.

          1. I thought so too. But I have baby hairs though that have been growing on my forehead and I used to be able to see lots of shine on my scalp (horrifying I know) and now do not……the one bummer is now I’m going to have to use it always. argh! I’m hoping the biotin and scalp massages (self administered) had something to do with it too.

          2. Oh, I forgot to mention, I did also start using this shampoo I found on Amazon. Premium Organic Argan Oil Anti-Hair Loss Shampoo (Gold Label) from Pura d’Or.
             Once I decided I needed to stop my hair thinning I went all in…but I still think the Rogaine likely had a lot to do with it.

    3. Viviscal plus biotin worked for my fine thinning hair.

       1. Thanks for the info…maybe I’ll have to give it a try after all.

    4. I have the same issue and tried everything under the sun (except Rogaine, because I’m still nursing). The Aveda Invati shampoo/conditioner leave my hair looking way fuller. I don’t think it actually is fuller per se but it looks so much fuller and better. I can’t even believe it. I can wear my hair down again.

       1. Wow. Just looked it up…a bit pricey, but probably worth it if it really works.

20. I’m hoping for some guidance about a dramatic friend issue. Friend was just getting out of a bad relationship when she met and fell for a new guy. The relationship moved very quickly. They talked about past heartbreaks on date 2. He moved into her house after 2 weeks.

    DH and I met the new guy for the first time a little while ago. He was very… intense. He asked a lot of very personal, probing questions that DH and I deflected the best we could. When I turned the questions around on him, though, he seemed perfectly happy to disclose details of his life that I would not feel comfortable discussing with a stranger. I just chalked it up to the guy having different boundaries than I do and being a bit awkward.

    New guy mentioned that he worked with one of DH’s friends about 5 years ago. DH and I went out with that friend over the weekend and mentioned our new mutual acquaintance. DH’s friend said that new guy was a huge drug addict back then, but he hadn’t seen him in a couple of years.

    I’m debating whether to tell my friend. If our roles were reversed, I would want to know. There are a lot of conversations I’d want to have about his recovery and how I can support him. My friend has a lot of recreational activities that she should be more sensitive about if she’s going to date a recovering addict. On the other hand, my friend has a big mouth and I know she’d tell him anything I said about him. Even worst case scenario, he’s still using, I don’t think she’d leave him because of it. I’m not sure if I want to create an awkward situation for myself when it wouldn’t actually help my friend. I’m still a bit exhausted from her last relationship because she told her now-ex every time I’d tell her she needs to get out. I guess I’m kind of over trying to save her from herself, but I feel like a bad person for not telling her about red flags that she’s too love struck to see for herself. Thoughts? TIA.

    1. Nope. Nothing. Drugs 5 years ago doesn’t mean drugs now.

       Also, this “there are lots of conversations Id want to have with him about his recovery and how to support him” is why you are having drama issues. That’s a terrible boundary to be imagining!!! Why would you be taking on that burden with a new boyfriend? How about just leaving if his addiction is an issue?

       1. I think OP meant that if she were the girlfriend, there’d be a lot of conversations she’d want to have with him (not as a friend of the gf)

          1. Exactly. And I’m saying if she were the girlfriend, those are the wrong conversations to have.

             1. I appreciate this insight. I’m obviously a little in the dark here. Do you think a new partner should have any conversations about a past addiction? Does it matter if the new partner’s recreational activities include things that have caused the addict issues? I know that, for example, alcoholics can still go out to dinner with friends who drink, but I don’t know if it’s advisable for the live-in SO of an alcoholic to drink at home or keep alcohol in the house.

             2. This s a boyfriend she just moved in with. In what world are those the “wrong conversations to have”??? Even if they aren’t living together, they’re dating. I fail to see any way in which that is inappropriate. In fact, I think it would be pretty problematic NOT to have those conversations as a girlfriend. So many red flags.

             3. I don’t think you should need to be “supporting” anyone else’s recovery! Especially not a new BF. Early relationship is about assessing what is happening now.

    2. Oh my. Well, first of all, I would say that being concerned and caring about your friend is a good thing. In new people we meet we generally look for signs of good judgment on their part, and I would say that asking incredibly intense and private questions and sharing so much so quickly upon a first meeting to me do not signify good judgement. I think it’s fine to gently tell your friend that you heard about his past and wanted her to know – perhaps she already knows, so don’t necessarily deliver it in a judging way, but I think it’s fair to just say ‘Hey, FYI, we heard this and we just want to make sure you know about it too. We care about you and want you to be happy.”

       I would encourage her to set boundaries and…move him out of her house. Maybe see if it’s a temporary thing. Moving in after 2 weeks does NOT suggest good judgment.

21. I realized I’m going on my first client site visits in the South and I’ve never had business dealings there at all before. The clients will probably be in khakis and polos (all men, as far as I know – very technical industry). They might even be more casual in say, Florida? I’m not sure. I’ve only ever been vacation, I never went to downtown Orlando to see what people wore to the office.

    When I visit clients in the Northeast (where I’m from) I tend to dress a step above them, which is not a full suit but usually a dress/blazer or suit separates. I’m worried that might be overkill? Plus HOT.

    My main concerns are not looking overdressed and not being too hot. Thoughts?

    1. I’m in Orlando. People are fairly conservative here, so blazer and separates is totally appropriate. I work downtown and, outside of marketing firms, most people are in suits, smart dresses or Blazers.

       Also, don’t assume hot! February/March can be chilly. It’s hot today, but the rest of the week is in the 40s and 50s. It can be quite cold at night.

    2. Unless your meetings are outside, I wouldn’t panic about being hot. We’ve got A/C everywhere. I wouldn’t wear wool tweeds, but the formality of your dress is fine. Business formal and business casual are still applicable in the South. We just wear lighter fabrics and don’t need as much outerwear in the winter. You can always shed a layer if you are hot.

    3. I’ve had vendor meetings Florida in July – khakis and polos sound about right from what I remember (all men). My industry is technical but pretty casual. I think I wore a dress with a cardigan that I took off as soon as I left the buildings, because HOT. :)

    4. You should dress at the same level of formality as you do for client visits in the northeast. Offices may be overheated in the winter and over-air-conditioned during the summer. Dress + blazer or suit separates sounds fine, in seasonally appropriate fabrics. If you will be going out to lunch or otherwise venturing outdoors with the client in the summer, make sure you’re comfortable taking off your jacket if you get hot.

    5. Thanks! I didn’t mean sound snobby/imply I think we’re so much fancier up here in the frigid North. I didn’t even think of it but then realized I might overdress and was worried about looking out of place. Glad it won’t be an issue, I’ll just wear what I normally do.

22. After finding out my lease is ending (again!!! Ugh) I’m feeling pretty over the whole roommates thing. I have 10 weeks to find a new place. Thinking about biting the bullet and going for a small condo – just me and no plans for any changes any time soon, though I guess you never know. My dad has offered to give me enough for a down payment (looking at FHA loans), and we have a good relationship (he lives on the other side of the country) so I’m not worried about that (while I wouldn’t take a penny from my mother if she gave it to me). Mortgage + condo fees + escrow would be about equal to my current rent.

    Anybody been through this? I am a couple years out of grad school and still have a decent amount of student loans, and average/fair credit. Located in Arlington and not looking to leave any time soon. (Also welcoming realtor recommendations for first time homebuyers in NoVa). Is there anything I’m not considering? I’m pretty handy and have been mostly on my own for a while, so pretty self-sufficient.

    1. Talk to a couple of mortgage brokers about what paperwork will be required to get a mortgage. When I bought my house several years ago, I had to document every penny that was going toward my down payment. My parents had offered to help me with the down payment but ended up pulling out at the last minute because they thought my mortgage company was too invasive. Their names were not going to be on the mortgage, they were only giving me some cash as a gift, fwiw.

       Also, look into whatever the gift tax amount is for this year. Your dad will have to pay tax on the money he gives you if it’s over a certain amount. Make sure he’s cool with that.

       1. If you are getting a gift towards your down payment, last I checked, the donor would need to write you a gift letter specifying that the gift is in fact a gift and not a loan, the relationship between the parties, dollar amount, address of property, etc. The gift letter is to confirm to the lender that you won’t have any additional financial obligations of which they are not aware.

          As for realtors, call Drew Hopley at The Donovan Home Team. He is a good friend and their Buyer Agent. He is a great guy and will work really hard for you. www. donovanhometeam . com 571-494-5691 / 301-275-2352

          1. Also, I would not contact a mortgage broker as someone mentioned below, but instead contact a loan officer who has in-house underwriters.

             My recommendation for NoVA is Jackie Fields-Gleadall. I have worked with her personally and my former clients who worked with her were all pleased. www dot jackiefields dot com. She can run the numbers for you on any property and can sometimes get you better rates than the big banks. If she can’t, she will tell you. She also will not pressure you on anything. She’s really great.

             1. I wasn’t trying to be snarky – I used a mortgage broker for my own mortgage and ended up with a bank I hated. I know that companies sell loans all the time so you may end up with a different servicer, but I hated being a number at a large bank. I wish I had worked with someone like Jackie – the process would have been a little less painful IMO.

       2. Yes, especially for FHA loans I think there are different requirements about using gifted money for a down payment. I think it is certainly allowed, but there is more documentation required to prove and track the source of the money.

       3. Okay, so the gift tax exclusion amount is $14,000 but you don’t have to pay any taxes on gifts you make until you make lifetime gifts of over $5.4 million. He will have to file a gift tax return, but no gift taxes will be owed unless he’s already given away millions of dollars.

          1. +1

          2. This is true and all that the vast majority of people need to know. However, someone who anticipates dying with an estate over the current $5.4M exemption may already have an estate plan in place that contemplates the full exemption being available and lifetime gifts that use up some of it can mess with that. If OP’s dad is in that wealth tier, he should have an estate planning attorney already that can walk him through the issues related to the down payment gift. If he’s not in that wealth tier, then exactly what CPA Lady says.

    2. While your mortgage+fees+escrow may be equal or less than your rent, make sure you also include taxes/school taxes, home insurance and can afford maintenance items; if your fridge or washer machine goes, you don’t have a landlord to replace it. I had so many friends who didn’t take into account housing maintenance costs when they bought and it ended up coming to haunt them.

       1. On the other side, you will get a tax break with the mortgage.

    3. Depending on the size of your downpayment, you might also need to factor in mortgage insurance for a significant amount of time. I would call a mortgage broker who knows your area (will know how to factor in taxes etc., which again, depending on the size of your down payment, you may be required to impound) and ask them to work up for you what your monthly payments, *inclusive* of insurance, taxes, PMI, everything, would be for various purchase prices, so you can get an idea of what you can really afford. That same workup will also show you your real expected costs at close. It’s amazing how many things get tacked on there!

       I had been browsing on Zillow and using those little calculators “how much house can I afford?” but once I sat down with a broker (over email, never face to face) I realized I could afford significantly less.

    4. I would not consider buying right now.

       This seems to be not very thought out, and you have a very short time frame to buy. Rent for a year, and learn a little bit more.

       There is not a great likelihood that you can do you due dilligence for such an important purchase in such a short period of time. Do you know the risks of condo buying, what documents to request from the condo association, how to review them? Never mind all the financial issues on your part.

       Rent = condo payment + fees etc… is not a reason to buy. Remember, you will also have expenses of maintaining your condo, higher utilities because you are now paying for everything alone, and potentially parking to pay for separately. And condo fees can go up. What if you choose a poorly managed building, that needs a new roof the year you moved in and has 20% of residents in arrears and needs a special assessment for $25-100k? Can you pull out whatever cash would be your portion?

       I have plenty of money and can easily pay cash for a condo that might even save me a couple hundred a month. But I’m not absolutely not buying one because I can’t be sure I will be here in 5 years. Remember, you also need to sink in lawyer costs and more to buy so you have to live there several years just to break even. Are you really that sure you will be there in 5-10 years? Your job/trajectory is that secure?

       And what if the place you moved into has a less than newish fridge that breaks down the first year. Then you’re down in the hole again.

       You hinted that your credit might be “fair” with a lot of student loans and only a couple years out of school. I am not sure you are thinking this through. Sometimes just because you have a generous family member, doesn’t always mean buying is the right thing.

       And please…. review the building’s finances. Well.

       http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/buy-rent-calculator.html?_r=0

    5. You definitely need to make sure that you are talking with a mortgage broker or lender about what your realistic interest rate will be and the amount of monthly PMI (a certainty with a small down payment and an FHA loan). FHA loans have higher interest rates than what you’ll see as the industry average.

       Also make sure you have a good understanding of the building’s finances. If they hiked the condo fee $200/month, for example, or levied an assessment of $10K per unit, you should be able to absorb the increase without a crisis.

    6. Thanks for sharing, all.

23. Is it a no-no or a bad thing that I introduced myself myself to the cleaning staff, maitenence people, receptionist, security guards etc. when I began working at my current job and that I say ‘good morning’ or otherwise greet them when I see them? For some context I am a first year associate. This morning in the elevator I was chewed out by one of the senior partners for it (not one I report to but definitely still someone very high up and important at my firm). He saw me say good morning to one of the building cleaners and said that it’s not something lawyers need to do or bother with and I should stop. Was I inappropriate? Do I need to address this further with one of the partners I report to or should I just leave it alone and assume senior partner was having a bad day?

    1. That senior partner is an a$$. IMO, and I would like to hope most people’s opinions, it is never inappropriate to act like a caring human being who does not deem himself/herself to be above others because of their profession/job/education level, etc.

       This is one of the reasons people hate lawyers (I am one FWIW).

       1. CountC is right. Senior Partner is an ass. I wouldn’t do it around him but I would otherwise continue to say hello/smile/say good morning when you want.

       2. Whether or not he is an a$$ is not the question. You are fighting the hypo.

          1. Okay, fine.

             OP – it is not inappropriate and do not bring it up to anyone else at your firm. When you see this partner in the lobby, only make eye contact with the security guards, etc., and give a little “sorry” smile. I am fairly sure they know he is a d!ck already and will understand.

             1. I’d suggest that when you see this partner in the lobby, you continue to act how you would act with regard to other people. Say hello, acknowledge them by name, whatever you would have done if he weren’t there. You aren’t obligated to change reasonable behavior to accommodate an unreasonable person.

             2. I generally agree that you aren’t obligated to change reasonable behavior to accommodate an unreasonable person, but there are plenty of things that can make your life miserable at a firm and an influential senior partner is one of them.

                I am the type who would roll my eyes behind the partner’s back when the people who I normally say hi to are looking at me and he is walking through the lobby so that they know I think he is a pompous a$$hat, but YMMV.

    2. What you did was polite and kind. The senior partner very likely thinks he (and all other lawyers) are better than support staff, which from your post it seems you don’t hold that same value. I’d actually encourage you to keep doing it, having good will with those people is very important and lots of clients value their lawyers being good people especially if you will be dealing with the support staff of clients in the future.

    3. Senior partner is a d*ck. Leave it alone.

    4. That is nuts. Would you be rude to waitstaff during a business lunch? No. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

    5. Leave it alone, but keep being decent to people. Of course it’s not something you “need” to do, but it’s always right to be kind.

       Acknowledging people and treating people with respect is never inappropriate.

       If he’s the kind of person who would whistle at a waiter, that’s his business, but that doesn’t mean you have to sink down to his level to fit in. Be the person who treats his legal assistant as well as you would the managing partner.

    6. I just can’t with this idiot. Keep introducing yourself and being kind. Partner’s uppity behavior is why people hate our profession.

    7. Wow. I hope he was just having a bad day, because it’s awful to think that anyone is too far beneath you to acknowledge. I say good morning to anyone I’m crossing paths with one-on-one. So if I’m in a group and passing a group, I usually don’t say anything (but smile if we make eye contact), but if cleaning staff person and I are walking toward each other alone in the hallway, or if I got in an elevator and only one other person is in there, I greet him or her. I greet the security guard at the desk next to the turnstiles every day unless he/she is busy.

       Government, not a law firm, but one of the senior people in my office coordinates getting holiday cards and collecting holiday gift donations to thank the regular cleaning staff on my floor, and all of the leadership contributed last year.

    8. There are times when I think stories on here are made up.

       This is one of those times.

       This is like a scene in a bad rom-com where they let you know that the boss is a Bad Guy. Watch out! It will turn out that he is not only keeping you from your true love, but he will also be found out and you will end up running the company while being madly in love with your incredibly handsome yet sensitive love interest.

       1. i think this is the same person who posted about being told she needs sensitivity training for asking someone’s name.

          1. +1. Same writing style.

24. Have you ever adopted a dog and been unhappy with the way you were bonding (or weren’t?) There’s no aggressive or particularly bad behavior here.

    1. How long has it been since you adopted the dog? How did you anticipate the bonding would go? What are you doing to foster the bond? (These are non judgmental questions, just ones that might help us give advice).

    2. It takes time to form a good bond. I would say it took me a good year-18 months before I felt like my dog and I were really bonded. Now she’s my precious snuggle-bug.

       Can you tell me what you were expecting versus what you are experiencing? Then I can give you a better idea of if what’s happening is “normal” or not.

    3. We had a very difficult first 4-5 months with our younger dog – she was about 7 months when we got her. She bonded immediately with our older dog, which was wonderful, but we struggled mightily with various behavior issues. Most of those were really pretty normal for a puppy – but I had no experience with puppies and I think my SO expected her to just get it and behave well like our older dog. This of course created major stress and I think I cried daily about dog issues during that time.

       In the end, I think we were basically setting her up to fail by giving her too much freedom that she didn’t have the skills to cope with. Once we realized that she really likes schedules and structure we just locked everything down – crating, no off-leash time, intensive training, and implementing a “nothing in life is free” mindset where she had to perform a task in order to eat, play, etc. It worked wonders and she throve on the structure.

       For me, then, bonding with her came after we figured out what she needed and responded to – and she in turn became more obedient and affectionate. Now she’s definitely very bonded to each of us – it just took a lot of work and time to get there.

25. Let’s talk serums. What are they, and which should I buy? I am in my late 20’s and I think I need to start caring about this now. My skin is still breakout prone and I’m getting crows feet from my frequent looks of consternation.

    1. Let’s talk science, not serums.

       You need to get your acne under control because that scars. Things that can help with acne are benzoyl peroxide, retinoids, birth control pills and antibiotics. You need to see a dermatologist and find the right combination for you.

       Serums do not prevent wrinkles. Sunscreen does. Retinoids can help repair them. Nothing else is effective and is mostly marketing. Wear big sunglasses and wear your sunscreen.

       1. This is an excellent post and I agree with everything.

       2. Hah! I seriously think Anon is a dermatologist. This is what my BFF board certified dermatologist tells me. She says, don’t waste your money.

       3. Sadly, I am all too familiar with acne meds, having taken everything from OTC to Accutane. But I thank you for the advice.

    2. Beautypedia is a great source and they address the science behind serums.

       Retinol: Peter Thomas Roth 10% retinal PM ( use at night)
       Day: Bobbi brown intensive skin supplement or Olay micro sculpting

26. I’m curious about our dating relationships. I know each one’s different, but how long before you met these markers with your significant other:

    1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles
    2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.
    3. Met each other’s friends / family
    3. Said I love you
    4. Moved in together
    5. Got engaged
    6. Got married

    Go!!

    1. We started dating in early spring 2011. 1&2 happened within two months. 4. Happened a month later after that. 3. That summer. 4. That fall (more due to convenience/economy than on purpose) 5./6. Haven’t happened yet (my choice) but probably the next year or two.

       1. Wait my stuff is out of order since there are two 3’s. We did second 3 first, first 3 second.

    2. 1. 1.5 months
       2. 1.5 months (I didn’t know there was a difference between 1 and 2, guess I missed the memo)
       3. 1.5 months
       4. We didn’t
       5. 7 months
       6. 1 year

       Can we add another two, if applicable?
       7. How long married: 4 years
       7. Got divorced/separated: n/a

       1. I just realized I skipped the first #3–we said I love you at 1.5 months, I met his family at 2.5 months, and he met my parents at 4.5 months. He didn’t meet my siblings (across the country) until the wedding, weirdly enough.

          So for clarification, the final list should actually look like this:
          1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles
          2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.
          3. Met each other’s friends / family
          4. Said I love you
          5. Moved in together
          6. Got engaged
          7. Got married
          8. How long married: 4 years
          9. Got divorced/separated: n/a

    3. 1. 4 weeks
       2. 4 weeks
       3. 3 months
       4. Not yet!
       5. Not yet!
       6. Not yet!

       7. Been together for almost 3 years.

    4. 1. Right after our first date–we were both pretty smitten
       2. A few days after meeting
       3. 3 weeks–though mine was a unique situation in that my sibling passed away suddenly so he came to the funeral
       4. 2 months
       5. We moved in together after 4 years of dating
       6. We got engaged after 7 years
       7. Got married after 8 years together

       And we’re still dealing with one another 3 years later. :)

    5. 1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles – 3 weeks
       2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – 3 weeks (I was leaning towards the taking down of profiles – he got excited and put a label on it)
       3. Met each other’s friends / family – 2 months
       3. Said I love you – 3 months
       4. Moved in together – just shy of 2 years
       5. Got engaged – just shy of 3 years
       6. Got married – 3.5 years (our wedding is in may!)

    6. Whoops, my reply ended up below, so copying into the thread:

       I met my DH while I was dating someone else, so will add a 0…

       0. Time from meeting (and having a great time meeting as part of a extended friend group) to realizing current BF was NOT the one, broke up, and re-initiated contact with DH from romantic perspective (we’d been keeping in touch as “friends” although I finally realized DH was WAY more interesting to me than the current BF) – 6 months
       1. Nobody else – pretty much immediately
       2. BF/GF- I don’t think we ever had this “talk” – mutual understanding that this was a serious relationship
       3. Family – 1 month (extenuating circumstances – this is sooner than it would have happened due to a large celebration)
       4. ILY – 6 weeks
       5. Moved in together – this is actually post engagement and post-graduations, so 2.5 years
       6. Engaged – 1 year 3 months
       7. Married – 3 years (long engagement due to living apart for law school)
       8. Time married – almost a decade :)

    7. 1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles – after being friends for 2 years we kissed. the dates below are based on that kiss that happened Senior year of highschool.
       2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – 3 months
       3. Met each other’s friends / family – had been best friends before, so before dating
       3. Said I love you – 6 months
       4. Moved in together – 4 years
       5. Got engaged – Just shy of 9 years
       6. Got married – 10 years

       1. Can I ask how on earth you waited 9 years for a ring? I’m at 5 years and while I love him dearly at this rate I could start over and get where I want to be faster. I am just itching, I cannot pretend I to be all happy and lovey while waiting.

          1. Waiting 9 years when you started dating at 8 is very different to 5 years if you started dating at 26 (for example), for what it’s worth.

          2. Not the person you responded to, but yikes re: assuming she was waiting for a ring. This whole woman waiting for the ring trope is outdated and sexist. If you’re waiting for a ring rather than having actual adult discussions about the timeline of your relationship, that’s not healthy and it needs to stop. A Practical Wedding has some good resources for pre-engaged folks, from having an adult conversation to managing your own emotions while you give your partner space to think about marriage.

          3. Well first I never got a ring! I didn’t want an engagement ring. So maybe my attitude towards engagement/proposal/wedding might be different. I mean I think part of it was our age. When you start dating at 18 – the first 4 years were college and long distance for us. 9 years starting at 28 would have been different. His mom also died when we were 22, so for many years his family wasn’t really ready to face a wedding. We were also dealing with big questions like religion conversion. It was right for us!

          4. Well, I waited 7 years for a ring…and by waited for a ring, I mean we were together 7 years before we even had the engagement conversation.

             I was never a big engagement/wedding person, and engagement rings mean nothing to me (I actually wear a $20 one I bought at Charming Charlie’s just to avoid the conversation that immediately springs when coworkers see a married woman without a ring).

             We knew we were together for the long haul; I didn’t need a ring to prove that.

          5. Our engagement was definitely not about the ring. Talking about marriage since 3 months of dating (2 yrs long distance then moved in). Never thought I would live with someone before marriage. After 18 months of living together I sat him down and said that it was important to me to get married and that didn’t mean ‘someday’. I said that if he didn’t feel that way, he needed to let me know so I could make some decisions. We got engaged 3 months later. I would have probably left after 6 months if he wasn’t ready. We were in our 20s.

             There is no right or wrong. For me, marriage was important and I thought that if he was the right guy, it was important to him too. Some of our best friends were together for almost 20 years and had two kids and a house before they decided to get married. Neither is better or worse and no one ‘waited for a ring’.

    8. 1.Decided not to date others: we never had this conversation, but I did not go on dates with anyone else after our first date, and I think my bf might have gone on 1 first date after our first date, but did not take it any further. I did not know at the time, but he also cut things off with a friend he had hooked up with a few times (as recently as a month before he met me) about 3 weeks after he and I started dating. She did not take it well and was not overly friendly the first time I met her, which now makes sense.

       2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend: 6 weeks

       3. Met each other’s friends / family: Friends immediately (we met through friends), started meeting family members about 3 weeks in.

       3. Said I love you: 3 months

       4. Moved in together: 2 years and change

       5. Got engaged: Not yet, hopefully in next 2-4 months (we’ve been together almost 3 years)

    9. 1. Not sure… pretty quickly, I think
       2. Uh.. just kind of happened? I don’t think we really had a talk about this
       3a. 6 months-ish?
       3b. Within the first year, but can’t recall when exactly. He said it first.
       4. 4.5 years (once we got out of college and in to law school)
       5. 12ish years
       6. It’ll be like 13.5 years by the time we get to this wedding, assuming we don’t get fed up with wedding planning and elope sooner

       We move slowly:-) But we were in college and law school for the first 7 years of our relationship, which slowed down life plans.

    10. 1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles — a couple weeks
        2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. — same as 1, a couple weeks
        3. Met each other’s friends / family : friends — right away (as in, many friends were at the event where we met and our third date was with a group of friends), family — he met my brother a few weeks in when my brother visited, I met his (local) parents after a couple months because we both went to the same event where my then-boyfriend was performing, he met my parents after about 10 months when they visited town.
        3. Said I love you — after maybe 2 months
        4. Moved in together — made the decision after 5 or 6 months but actually moved in after 10 months (moved to a new city at that time but decided to make the move after 5 or 6 months).
        5. Got engaged — decided to get married after 2 years and 4 months.
        6. Got married — at just about 3 years.

        We met at the beginning of our last year of grad school.

    11. 1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles – 3ish weeks, I think
        2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – happened at the same time we decided to be exclusive
        3. Met each other’s friends / family – We were both living with family at the time we started dating, so there wasn’t a specific “meet the family” moment. We were regularly invited to each other’s family stuff by around the 3 month mark.
        3. Said I love you – After about 2 months
        4. Moved in together – About 14 months
        5. Got engaged – 2 years in
        6. Got married – 3 years in

        I feel like overall, our relationship didn’t progress overly quickly, but those early milestones definitely happened maybe a little on the early side.

    12. 1-2. Not sure we ever had a formal conversation, maybe a month?
        3. 3 months
        4. 3 months
        5. 5 years, but 3 years of that was LDR
        6. Engaged after 7 years of dating
        7. Married after 8 years of a dating
        8. Married 4 years this year, together for 12

    13. 1. A couple weeks in we had a talk about not seeing other people (we didn’t meet online)
        2. Same as above
        3. He met my parents about two months in, because they were visiting our area. I met his a few months later when we went to visit them.
        4. I wanted him to say it first and he took about six months
        5. Moved in right around our 1 year anniversary
        6. Engaged just before our 2 year anniversary (although I was ready around the time we moved in together)
        7. Married about 1.5 years after the engagement, so after about 3.5 years of dating

    14. 1. Decided not to date others — de facto, immediately. Had the discussion after about a month — a month of spending every free moment together. <3_<3
        2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. — de facto, immediately. Had the discussion about words after a few months.
        3. Met each other’s friends / family — friends immediately (second and fourth dates, ha!), family about 3 months.
        3. Said I love you — approx 5 months.
        4. Moved in together — de facto after about 8 months, but he kept the lease on his place for another 4 months after that.
        5. Got engaged — well we had the "hey maybe a wedding wouldn't be the worst thing? yeah, ok let's get married!" conversation after 4 years. we didn't do any sort of official proposal.
        6. Got married — almost 5 years.
        7. Been married — almost 4 years. wow.

    15. Married 16 years, two kids. Second marriage for both.

        1) first date
        2) first date
        3) 2 weeks (my family) 1 yr (his family, 2000 miles away)
        3.5) two weeks
        4) 1 year
        5) 1 year
        6) 1.5 years

    16. Ours is a bit different since we were friends first, and started dating in college. We met freshman year, started hooking up/casually dating junior year, then by Christmas or so were an official exclusive couple. I visited him over the summer so met his family/friends then.

        3. Said I love you- some time junior year
        4. Moved in together- shared an apartment summer between junior /senior year, then moved in together for “real” about 18 months after college graduation.
        5. Got engaged- about 2 years after college graduation
        6. Got married- about 3 years after college graduation (we were 25)

        We had our first kid when I was 30, since a lot of 25-30 was spent in grand school and/or slaving away at our career(s).

        1. Ours is similar– we casually hooked up for a semester freshman year, then started going on actual dates at the start of sophomore year. Below timelines start from when we started going on dates.

           1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles – we did not have a discussion about it, but neither of us saw anyone else after we started going on actual dates.
           2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – 2 months
           3. Met each other’s friends / family – met friends at parties before we started dating, family at 9 months (his) and 15 months (mine)
           3. Said I love you – 3 months (him), 5 months (me)
           4. Moved in together – summer between jr/sr years (almost 2 yrs), then permanently after college (3 years)
           5. Got engaged – 6 years
           6. Got married – when we get married this fall, it will be 7 years!

    17. We met when we were 14 and were friends during high school. We went to separate colleges, but then he transferred to mine after sophomore year (not because of me.) We reconnected that summer after we ran into each other at a baseball game.

        1.Decided not to date others: A month or two after reconnecting
        2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend: A month or two after reconnecting
        3. Met each other’s friends / family: We had already met each other’s family in high school, but his family had a big family reunion at the end of that summer in our city (they switch off cities every few years) and he invited me to go with him so then I met EVERYONE.
        3. Said I love you: About 4 months after we reconnected
        4. Moved in together: after dating for a little over a year
        5. Got engaged: after dating for a year and a half
        6. Got married: after dating for two and a half years

        We have now been married for 10 years and have 3 kids.

    18. You guys are going to think I’m nuts, but here goes:

        1. 1 week
        2. 1 week
        3. We knew each other’s friends already. Met each other’s families at 2 months
        3. 3 weeks
        4. After we got married
        5. 1 month
        6. 4.5 months
        7. 21.5 years
        8. N/A

        Yeah, it happened really fast. We like to say we’re the exception that proves the rule (I was 19 & he was 20 when we got married, so young & fast)

    19. 1. Decided not to date other: 2 months in for him, 6 months for me (which I found out at 6 months)
        2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend: 6 months
        3. Met each other’s family: 6 months his parents, 8 months my parents. We were friends before so had already met all friends.
        3. Said I love you: 2 months after BF/GF
        4. Moved in together: Nope – not sure if we’re going to get married, and I’m not willing to move in unless we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen
        5. Got engaged: Not yet – If we don’t decide to get married in the next six months – year, I’m going to have to make a decision about the future, and might end it, because that seems like a reasonable amount of time for a 31-year old to figure out what he wants in life. We’ve talked about it, but haven’t come to any final decisions on it.

    20. 1/2. Decided not to date others (isn’t this when you start referring to the other person as your girlfriend/boyfriend?): It was obvious within a few weeks that neither of us were interested in dating anyone else. I asked for confirmation before sleeping together (told him I wasn’t comfortable sleeping together if he was seeing other people).
        3. Met each other’s friends / family: Met each other’s friends immediately. Met each other’s siblings in the first month and parents in the 3-6 month range.
        3. Said I love you: 5 months
        4. Moved in together: 1.5 years
        5. Got engaged: 3.5 years
        6. Got married: 4 years

    21. 1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles: 1 month
        2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.: This kind of happened around the same time we decided not to see other people; it wasn’t an explicit boyfriend/girlfriend conversation, but we started referring to each other as such shortly after that conversation
        3. Met each other’s friends / family: Close friend were within the first few months. Family was about 4-24 months (both of our families live out of state).
        3. Said I love you: 4 months
        4. Moved in together: 2 years (though we were basically “unofficially” living together from the 6-month mark)
        5. Got engaged: 3 years
        6. Got married: 4 years

27. 1. We never actually talked about it I guess just assumed it was exclusive, and it was before online date was so prevalent
    2. Again not sure it was ever “made official”
    3. I met his family right away, in the context of him having a small group of people over. It may have been several weeks/a few months before he met my family but we already had mutual friends
    4. After we got married
    5. 4 years
    6. 5 years

    1. Oh yeah I skipped the second #3 – I said it first, about a month after we started dating. Don’t remember when he said it back, it wasn’t right away.

28. I met my DH while I was dating someone else, so will add a 0…

    0. Time from meeting (and having a great time meeting as part of a extended friend group) to realizing current BF was NOT the one, broke up, and re-initiated contact with DH from romantic perspective (we’d been keeping in touch as “friends” although I finally realized DH was WAY more interesting to me than the current BF) – 6 months
    1. Nobody else – pretty much immediately
    2. BF/GF- I don’t think we ever had this “talk” – mutual understanding that this was a serious relationship
    3. Family – 1 month (extenuating circumstances – this is sooner than it would have happened due to a large celebration)
    4. ILY – 6 weeks
    5. Moved in together – this is actually post engagement and post-graduations, so 2.5 years
    6. Engaged – 1 year 3 months
    7. Married – 3 years (long engagement due to living apart for law school)

29. 1.Decided not to date others / took down (or hid) online profiles= 4weeks
    2. Decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. =6 weeks
    3. Met each other’s friends / family = 3.5 months
    3. Said I love you = 2.5 months
    4. Moved in together = 15 months
    5. Got engaged = 3 years
    6. Got married = 4 years

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