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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Wool Shell

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. St. John Yellow Label Wool ShellI'm not a fan of wearing sleeveless shells beneath blazers (I prefer sleeves beneath suits because it lets you dry clean less) but some women disagree, hating the bulkiness of sleeves (among other reasons, I'm sure). So if you're in the market for a sleeveless shell, check out this gorgeous wool shell from St. John Yellow Label, marked on a fairly deep discount (60%!) at Nordstrom. (It's actually one of the many great pieces in their sale — lots of lucky sizes, though, so start by filtering by your size(s).) I would probably get more wear out of the shell by wearing it as a vest on top of blouses (particularly some of the sheer-er ones that are hot this season), but that's me. The shell was $295, but it's now $117.98 (sizes M-XL still left). St. John Yellow Label Wool Shell Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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310 Comments

  1. I am going in for an ECV procedure today (to try and turn my right side up baby, upside down). Wish us luck and hope the baby stays healthy and flips so I don’t have to have a cesarean. Also have any of you dealt with breech babies? How did everything work out?

    1. Good luck! I haven’t had a breech baby but just had my second c-section 8 weeks ago. My first baby was transverse and stuck, which we didn’t discover until after 12 hours of back labor. My recoveries have been a breeze and I’ve had no complications. So, I can reassure you that a c-section, while a major surgery, doesn’t mean that you’ll be out of commission.

      1. For everyone who had an easy c-section, how long until you were able to hold the baby without pain? How long until you were able to drive? When were you allowed to lift your older childre, lift a bag of groceries, etc? I always heard the recovery from a c-section is longer and more painful that most vaginal birth recoveries. (Of course, you have anesthesia during the surgery itself so the surgery itself is OK). A few weeks out of commission is not terrible, of course, but I have counseled a lot of people who WANT a scheduled c-section (for reasons of convenience) that surgery= a longer recovery time.

        When a c-section is medically warranted, that’s another story.

        1. My c-section was my first and only so I can’t comment on caring for older children, but honestly I don’t remember having any problems lifting the baby from Day One. I was in law school at the time and was back to school after three weeks and feeling pretty normal. I do remember quite clearly that I was happy my stitches were in my belly rather than my lady parts. (And the visible stitches were removed before I left the hospital.)

        2. Like Senior Attorney, I never had any pain holding the baby. The pain was more around things that involved use of my lower abs (like getting out of bed), but I was getting around with no problem after 4-5 days. I don’t drive much anyway so I can’t comment on that.

          1. Tip for getting out of bed: Grab your knee and kind of rock forward. It helps get you upright without using your abs.

        3. I held the baby without pain probably that same day. I wasn’t supposed to lift more than 10 lbs for 6 weeks (including my older child), but I was lifting him within the month. Like Fiona, the only time I ever felt pain was using my lower abs (getting in and out of bed was the worst). But I was carrying my baby in his carrier, which weighs about 20 lbs by itself, within a few weeks to and from doctor’s appointments. I was driving 2 weeks after the surgery, when my husband went back to work.

        4. I have only had one delivery and it was by c-section. I don’t remember having any trouble holding the baby right away. I was up and walking (very slowly!) the first day because I was told it would help me heal faster, and while I don’t think I carried the baby while walking in the first few days in the hospital, I did when I got home and it was fine. I think I drove after two weeks. I would have felt ok with typical driving/minimal movements much earlier than that, but I worried about having to react quickly to something and possibly tearing. It was really not a bad recovery–I felt much worse after having my wisdom teeth extracted!

    2. How far along are you? I had a previa (which resolved) and then the baby was totally breech, then sideways, and ultimately she flipped to upside down. If you have to have a cesarean, at least it won’t be like some of my friends who had them after 24+ hours labor and lots of pushing.

      [And OMG, I think I can’t put outfits together and this picture of the shell + pants shows that I’m not alone.]

      1. i wasnt so lucky — baby No. 2 was breach, then flipped 2x by herself. after 19 hrs of labor and 2 hrs of pushing, she was sideways so i had a c-section.

        but my beautiful baby girl is healthy and happy. this is just to say that whatever happens, it will happen for a reason. being able to go with the flow makes things easier (easier said that done, i know). good luck!

        1. “whaever happens, it will happen for a reason.”

          Um, NO. This is idiotic. A lot of bad things have happened when people give birth, sometimes, they don’t happen for a “reason.”

          You might have had as healthy a daughter with less suffering. Your suffering isn’t necessarily what made her beautiful and happy.

          America has a higher maternal death rate and a higher infant mortality rate than we should, compared to other nations with similar development profiles. Please don’t try to tell me that those bad outcomes happened “for a reason.” If you extend this “everything happens for a reason” nonsense further, then it justifies a lot of bad, unnecessary suffering and there’s no excuse for that.

          3. Why is it that the nice police invariably leap out when someone makes a strong, forceful comment?

            The anon felt strongly. Why should she sugarcoat?

            I swear, this place is like a 1950s neighborhood where all the wives had to pretend to be nice and happy while popping Valium. And we wonder why women can’t shake off the societal demand to be nice. Sad that it’s a requirement here, too.

          5. wow. Im glad i didnt check back here earlier in the day. you are a super-b “another anon.” I didnt say or mean that my suffering is what made my daughter happy and healthy. you glommed on to one thing i said and took it way, way out of context. Im sorry if my comment was misinterpreted, but i certianly did not mean to suggest anything about an infant mortality rate. thanks for the rant though, and for doing it anon (unlike me, you were not sharing any sort of personal information, so if you are a regular commenter, you are a coward.)

          6. @anon 5:24pm – Why are there so many stupid, defensive people here?

            You’re all posting as anons, so never mind that you shared some personal information, you’re still anonymous, so the cowardice stuff doesn’t make any sense. It’s disturbing that you are too stupid to realize this.

            Someone calls you out on making a statement that makes zero sense whatsoever and examples were given as to why that statement made no sense. And you respond by calling that person a super-b? Mmmmm-kay. Maybe that anon is a b, but we’re pretty sure you’re dumb. At least there’s therapy for being a b. No cure for stupidity.

            I will never understand the need for people to act like idiots, get called on it by internet strangers, who then whine about not getting validation. Let me guess – everybody in your school got a trophy just for showing up?

    3. Good luck, but if you have to have a c, it’s really not nearly as big of a deal as people make it out to be. I had a breach baby last December (almost a year, how can that be?), and I opted not to do the ECV, and I haven’t regretted it at all. The C was quick, easy, and not particularly uncomfortable (at least, a lot less uncomfortable than I imagine the other route to be!). I’m happy to have another when the time comes. Either way, the goal is a healthy baby and mother, and that will happen, c or not.

    5. My best friend had an ECV years ago, the baby stayed upside down, delivery went smoothly. I had a c-section and as others are saying, it was an easy recovery and far from the end of the world! So either way you and baby are going to be fine!!

      1. Longtime Lurker hoping my response isn’t too late. Had an ECV attempted thus summer it failed and baby was delivered via c section. ECV is intense so focus on breathing to get through it. My c section was a very pleasant experience, best of luck.

    6. I also hope I’m not too late! I had a breech baby in June 2012 and decided against the ECV. My c-section was wonderful, truly–we had a great experience. Very relaxed and joyful. I was able to hold my baby as they wheeled me out of the OR and I started nursing as soon as we were in post-op. Best of luck and congratulations!!

    7. Also had a breech baby who couldn’t be turned. FWIW, planned c-sections (i.e., no labor) are supposed to be easier to recover from than c-sections that occur after X hours of labor.

      good luck!

      1. I had an emergency c w/general anesthesia after 24-hours of labor and I still had a pretty easy recovery, bit sore, but nursed the baby in the hospital after the meds wore off and no problem holding the baby/minor household chores when I was home.

    8. This may not be the response you’re looking for, but I was a breech baby–delivered v@ginally–and I turned out just fine. (Although immediately after I was born, the doctors were only able to tell my parents my weight–they couldn’t get me to stretch out long enough to measure height.)

      1. hah–I was also a regular-delivery breech, back when. My mom has occasionally chosen to hold it over my head when it pleases her, ever since. :) (Or just remind me “you came out BACKWARDS!”)

        1. Any other Call the Widwife fans? Because I keep hearing Chummy saying: “A$$ first”.

    9. Hope I’m not too late, but I had an ECV last Labor Day. Worked like a charm (took like 5 minutes and I had the best nap EVER because I was finally comfortable while the epidural wore off) and my son was born 4 weeks later, right side down.

    10. My first son was in breech. We discussed the option of going in to turn him with our doctor but she advised against it. Ultimately, we chose not to turn him and had the c-section and were very glad that we did. When they went in for the c-section they discovered that the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around his throat and that is why he had not turned. If we had tried to turn him manually, he likely would have gone into distress and we would have had to have an emergency c-section. My recovery from the c-section was relatively easy but I have a pretty high tolerance for pain so YMMV.

  2. I’m hosting a last minute Halloween party and need a main dish to serve. People will be coming in and out, so ideally it’d be something that I can keep hot in the slow cooker. Does anyone have a good chili recipe? There’s so many recipes online it’s overwhelming. Any ideas for something other than chili that people can help themselves to throughout the night?

    1. Pulled pork BBQ with little slider buns. Or buffalo ranch chicken sliders. Chicken and dumplings (this has like 5 ingredients and is GOOD). Meatballs in the crockpot. Sausage and peppers. The options are limitless!

      1. Coffee in chili is so cool!
        I remember one of the chilis in an office cookoff had dark chocolate in it. Was surprisingly good.

    3. The Eating well chili recipe is the one I use. I use black beans and stew meat because I don’t like kidney beans or ground meat.

      Also, my BBQ beef recipe is great for a crowd but you’d have to make it tonight or in the slow cooker tomorrow.

      1. Ok, looked at Eating Well recipes on the web and they have a ton of chili recipes and none of them are the one in my cookbook. Oh well.

    4. a nice homemade baked mac n cheese would be nice! you could make a few casseroles of it and keep them in the oven.

    6. Favorite Chili recipe – it’s pretty basic, so you could dress it up with stewed tomatoes or something else, if you wanted, but it’s pretty good on it’s own. I usually do one pound ground beef and one pound ground turkey. I like it because the amounts called for are usually the volume available for sale in the store, so you aren’t hanging on to 1/2 a can of tomato sauce or something.

      http://allrecipes.com/recipe/its-chili-by-george/

    8. Another option is taco meat in the slow cooker, and have all the “fixins” for tacos. You can make a pulled pork, or a spicy ground beef, or whatever sounds good. Then have some tortillas, shredded cheese, tomatoes, lettuce. You can also add beans, rice, sour cream, salsa, avocados/guacamole, onions, feta cheese, etc. Easy and quick, and adaptable to almost any diet restriction.

      1. The Real Simple recipe for pork tacos is easy and delicious! Just google real simple pork taco.

    9. If you feel like being punny about it, you could always make ghoulash. Martha Stewart online has a good recipe.

    10. I just made chili yesterday and it turned out great. Saute together 1 chopped chopped, 3 minced cloves of garlic, a can of green chilies, 1 pound ground turkey. When browned add 1 tablespoon chili powder,
      2 tablespoons tomato paste, 2 teaspoons dried oregano, 1 teaspoon ground cumin, a 28 oz can of tomatoes (I had pureed on hand), and a 15 oz can of red beans, rinsed and drained. Bring to a boil and let simmer for a bit. Serve with lime wedges and corn bread. Easy and delicious.

    11. Skinnytaste crock pot chicken taco chili. Amazing and super easy. Recipe on her website.

    12. Meatballs in the crock pot, buns on the side for sandwiches. Can buy a bag if you’re short on time.

    13. I love bean-and-pumpkin chili in the fall — the pumpkin isn’t overwhelming, and it makes a really thick, hearty chili. I pretty much make it up as I go along, but this is pretty similar to the base recipe I started with:

      http://www.kitchentreaty.com/slow-cooker-black-bean-pumpkin-chili/

      You can really use any kind of beans you like — I vary between black and white ones. It’s vegetarian — I don’t eat meat — but I’m sure you could add some turkey or beef if you really wanted to.

    14. Google Paula Deen’s taco soup. It is amazing and you can set out fun toppings. I don’t add the olives and swap out some of the beans (use a can of refried beans in place of one of the pinto bean cans). Make it all the time for football days and it is a huge hit. Also relatively weight watchers friendly.

  3. I have to attend a DRI conference in New Orleans next week. What’s the weather like in New Orleans in November? I have no idea what to wear, I was thinking merino cardigans and nice slacks, and flats, since I’m sure we will be walking around a lot in the evenings and sightseeing, but will it be too hot for cardigans? I never know what to wear to things like this, my regular work clothes (suits) seem too dressy and uncomfortable, and jeans are too casual, especially since there will be some clients/national counsel that I will be meeting for the first time.

    1. It’s really changeable right now. We have been fluctuating between highs in the high 70s and low 70s with lows in the 60s. That’s the forecast for next week, with a little bit of rain. In the evenings, you might need a cardigan but maybe not wool? Definitely flats if you’re downtown because the streets and sidewalks are really uneven. If you wear suits downtown (other than in the CBD), you’ll look overdressed.

    2. Heyy – someone else in the asbestos world!

      I’m not going to the DRI this year, but enjoy it. Its been fabulous in past years.

      1. Haha, that jumped out at me too. How many ladies in the asbestos world are on Corporette, I wonder?

        1. Between insurance carriers, attorneys and, to some extent, doctors… probably a decent amount.

          We’re not alone! (I’m with a carrier out of CT)

      2. Yes, I’m looking forward to it. I think it will be interesting, and I love New Orleans, even though I’ve only been there once.

  4. Morning Ladies. So I got an interesting offer from a former professor (we stay in touch). He asked if I would be interested in coming back to my old undergraduate university to teach as an adjunct. It’s not something I ever really considered but I’m finding I’m drawn to the idea.

    I started to look for resources on best practices on teaching for undergraduates (just to wrap my head around the idea) and there doesn’t seem to be a ton out there. It doesn’t have to be specific to teaching but something like a blog, book or article recommendations, lecturing dos and don’ts etc. So, do any ladies here have resources they’d highly recommend? or general pieces of advice?

    1. I would seriously look into the possible downside of being an adjunct. Most often the pay is horrible, there’s no job security (not that anyone has true job security, but you can fired after just 1 semester of teaching), and you don’t get benefits. Almost everyone I know in higher ed actually hates (or doesn’t exactly like) the teaching part of their job.

      1. I should’ve mentioned this is not a full time position. I’d be staying at my full time (government) job and teaching one night class a week.

        But I’ll definitely be taking a critical look at the potential downsides, , impact to my full time career, crap pay for a pretty substantial time commitment, commuting time, etc.

        1. Ah, then if it’s a nice class, then also consider that it might be adult students coming back with varying degrees of comfort with technology, rusty study skills, jobs, families, etc. But they’re also often more committed to learning because they’ve made the effort to be there. That’s a whole different kettle of fish that’s great but the challenges are different.

          2. I’ve had this discussion with others but am curious what the hive thinks. I agree that undergraduate institutions are making a move away from traditional lecture and research papers but I found that the researching and writing skills I developed throughout my studies were those that helped me the most in getting and maintaining my job. I’ve moved up in my current job and am now “mentor” to a few junior colleagues and I spend more time teaching these junior colleagues how to effectively research and write than I do almost anything else. This is something I’ve heard echoed across different fields as well.

            I’m not entirely convinced this move away from research and writing intensive courses is preparing students for their professional futures. Thoughts?

          3. I guess I should clarify – the classes don’t have to be less research and writing intensive. Just not the traditional “term paper” at the end.

    2. There’s so much out there – active learning, innovative writing assignments, teaching with a particular philosophy, hybrid (using online discussion board or other online tools), etc. Our common curriculum classes have very specific learning goals but the assignments you can use to get there are varied. I would say there is a strong move away from solely lecture-based classes and traditional research papers. Moving to discussion and active learning and assignments where students use sources, but don’t necessarily write long papers. Other assignments to ease them into understanding how to find and use sources appropriately and improve writing.

      1. I know I’m in the minority on this, but I totally LOVE lecture-based courses and long research papers. My favourite classes in undergrad were the ones where our genius European history prof spoke for a solid hour and a half and my hand cramped up from writing eight pages of notes. Supplemented with TA conference/discussion sessions and research papers, I learned sooo much. I hope those classes remain, at least for upper years if not for first year college students. “Active learning” and in-class assignments drive me totally mad. (However – I had the opportunity to do two years of CEGEP, a pre-university college system in Quebec, where I really solidly learned how to find and use sources and how to write academically. That may skew my perspective.)

        1. Yeah but your professor was good at it and it was how you learned. Not every professor is a genius at lecturing and that’s not how every student learns.

          2. Oh, for sure. I completely recognize that it’s just how I learn best. My husband loves learning through the Socratic method, while it drives me totally crazy. I don’t think all classes should be the hidebound, traditional lecture/paper style – I just hope those remain an option for students.

      2. We’ve been trying to do this as well. Students had to conduct (at a very small scale) actual data collection on a topic of their choice. They found it quite scary at first but the result was great and so much more interesting to mark.

    3. I am a professional archivist, and I also adjunct (1 class/semester) at a local college.

      I would not recommend taking an adjunct gig unless you have another job to combine with your adjuncting. The pay is minimal (maybe $5,000/course) and adjuncts are often limited in the number of courses they can teach in an academic year (I am limited to 2 courses/year).

      I do love teaching. I almost got a Ph.D, but realized that I hate researching/publishing work to keep my job. I now have a professional job and I adjunct (which I love). I find that, within my department, the academics who are truly academics are often more engaged in their own research/publishing and less into teaching.

    4. I am a professional archivist, and I also adjunct (1 class/semester) at a local college.

      I would not recommend taking an adjunct gig unless you have another job to combine with your adjuncting. The pay is minimal (maybe $5,000/course) and adjuncts are often limited in the number of courses they can teach in an academic year (I am limited to 2 courses/year).

      I do love teaching. I almost got a Ph.D, but realized that I hate researching/publishing work to keep my job. I now have a professional job and I adjunct (which I love). I find that, within my department, the academics who are truly academics are often more engaged in their own research/publishing and less into teaching.

      1. Checking out the link now and it looks like exactly what I was looking for, thanks for posting!

        I’d definitely appreciate any resources you have…unsure how to get them without posting an email address though.

      2. Aww, I don’t know who you are, but I loved my 4 years at that university, though I wasn’t in education.

    5. (1) A good resource is the Chronicle of Higher Education website.

      (2) The move away from writing is to do with the difficulty in grading (time-intensive, subjective, creates inherent bias against international students, etc.)

      (3) Don’t go into this job thinking that you will be able to make any kind of substantial change in the way things are done in the program for students. Wait until you’ve been doing this a few years before you form any opinions about the way things should be – which will be a big help once you get used to making less per hour than minimum wage for your time!

      1. I agree with all of this, speaking from experience. I don’t think the OP was expecting to impact how teaching gets done at this institution, but (3) is absolutely right–you’d be lucky if anyone even knew your name at the end of a year or two. It just can’t be stressed enough how bad a deal adjuncting is. There are plenty of reasons other than money that people might consider it, but it’s always sad to see each of those possible payoffs not happen either. I don’t know anyone who is glad to have adjuncted at any point, unless it was a true emergency stopgap for the (pitiful) income. Granted, everyone I know who has done it already had plenty of experience teaching undergrads, so it was just another line on the CV in that respect.

    6. I started teaching at my former grad school part-time (also full-time fed), and it’s been one of the best decisions I made. I was a little intimidated to step into a classroom, especially when the backgrounds and experience levels of the students are so diverse. One of the things that went over best with the students was to bring in friends who work “in the real world” on these topics to talk about their experiences. It was a great supplement to the readings and gave them a connection to how studying fits into future career. I also recommend talking to other colleagues that may teach in the area to get tips, especially if they recently completed a PhD and have some thoughts on structuring research projects (I got lots of advice to structure them around answering “how” and “why” questions versus “what” which I never thought about).

    7. Some basic print resources — all easily found on amazon:

      McKeachie’s Teaching Tips
      Student Engagement Techniques by Barkley
      Classroom Assessment Techniques by Angelo & Cross

    8. There’s a book called “What the best college teachers do” by Ken Bain, it might help.

  5. Ladies, NM Last Call is having a one day special-$50 off your purchase of $100-lots of cashmere sweaters and other goodies. Use code LCTREAT. Happy shopping!

    1. I think I’m in love with all of their sweaters. I’ve never shopped here before, anything special to know about their quality/sizing/customer service?

  6. Would anyone be able to recommend a good restaurant for dinner in Dallas, TX? I’m on travel and the restaurants nearby (Irving) have not been unimpressive so far. I’m a vegetarian, but my other team members are not. I’m open to any cuisine.

    1. There are tons of great restaurants in Dallas. I live in Irving and yeah, it’s pretty bland but there are some hidden gems here. If you want real Neopolitan pizza, I love Cavalli Pizza in Irving (and vegetarian friendly). It’s BYOB, but some of the best pizza in the city. What’s your budget? If you want reasonable Tex Mex prices, check out local chain Mi Cocina or Taco Diner. Finer dining? You can’t go wrong with Fearing’s, Stephen Pyles, Stampede 66, Nosh, FT 33 (Thomas Keller just ate there this week), or Oak.

  7. So I need some sage advice about creating a wedding registry. My issue is this: I like the idea of a traditional wedding registry (and I know some guests, especially older guests, will want to get us typical wedding gift items (dishes, pots and pans, etc.)–and there are tons of things I’d like. BUT we are currently living in a small, cheap, one-bedroom apartment with very limited storage space (and a tiny kitchen). We plan to stay here at least another 2-3 years while aggressively saving for a downpayment. And part of me is also a little unsure about the idea of having people pay full price for items that I would probably find a bargain on. Like, I would love a Le Creuset dutch oven. And it’s not something I’d buy now. But if I wasn’t getting married, I’d wait for one to go on sale at TJ Maxx….

    So my options are:

    1. No wedding registry. Problem–creates difficulty for friends and family who I know will get us something, and may lead to unwanted gifts).

    2. Non-traditional registry (like a honeymoon fund). Problem–I feel like it’s asking for cash, and I don’t really feel comfortable doing that.

    3. Traditional registry. Problem–is it ridiculous to store a full set of dishes, a Kitchen Aid mixer, etc. in my mother’s garage on the opposite coast of the US? Hoping that we will be able to get jobs and move to said coast in 3 years? Could I return items for store credit, and buy the exact same things in 3 years?

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts/wisdom!

    1. I had a similar situation when I got married a few years ago. I was living in a studio with my fiance and we really didn’t know where we would put anything new. We decided to register for: everyday dishes (set of 8, as that’s absolutely the max that would fit in our cabinets), silverware, 2 large kitchen items (slow cooker & cuisinart chopper thing), nice towels, new upgraded bedding, and bathroom stuff (like a matching toothbrush holder, cup, & wastebasket). There was enough that the older relatives who wanted to buy “traditional” things could, and we were able to donate our old dishes/silverware to younger siblings, but nearly half of our guests just gave us cash. I would say, don’t register for things so that they can sit in storage for years. Hope this helps!

      1. Yes I think there’s enough stuff where you would be replacing/upgrading from old stuff that you wouldn’t really be adding clutter to an apartment. Like if you get a new comforter you get rid of the old one, not have 2 comforters.

    2. So my sister and her husband got married and had a traditional registry, and then moved around for a year before moving to Korea. They kept the items in storage for a while. But now they still have the gifts and use them on a daily basis and love them! I think part of the sentiment of a traditional registry is that this is stuff you may use 20 or 40 years into your marriage. Maybe some of it will wear out, but you could still be using the same china or punch bowl. If I were you I would have a traditional registry, keep what you can in your current apartment (so like dishes, cooking utensils, glasses, etc…) and keep the larger items (serving platters, kitchenaid mixer, food processer) in storage.

      I would not do a honeymoon fund, I would not *not* do a registry because then it looks like you’re forcing people to give you cash, and I would not have a registry for the sole purpose of returning the items for store credit and repurchasing in a few years (your basically making people put in effort to buy you a gift, wrap it, when you know you’re going to have to drag it back to the store to return it–that’s rude).

      1. Agree 100%. Also, if you’re updating items (like plates) donate your existing stuff to a local charity on a younger relative.

      2. Just on the last point, most people nowadays buy registry gifts online – no actual going to the store, wrapping, returning, etc, involved. We got maybe 10 actual wrapped gifts at our wedding.

        1. +1. Nobody brought gifts to our wedding. Everything was shipped off the registry ahead of time or in an envelope at the wedding.

      3. So, I’m not particularly invested in this but: Is it less rude to have a “traditional” registry and realize you’ll probably return a lot of the stuff than to have a small registry or “honeymoon fund” registry that implies you just want cash? Just musing.

        I really don’t care either way. I usually set an amount to spend and if the couple wants stuff, I’ll get them stuff (and don’t really care what they do with it afterwards) and if they want money for an experience, I’ll give them that. Basically I do what’s easiest for me (so the registry had better include an online ordering and delivery option!). If it’s a particularly close friend, I might get something a little more personal.

      4. I have to disagree that not doing a registry “looks like you’re forcing people to give you cash.” Do people really feel this way? I didn’t do a registry and yes, lots of people gave cash, but some people gave gifts, and I liked all of them. The reason I didn’t do a registry was that I wasn’t setting up house after my wedding, and I didn’t care whether people gave me gifts or not. I’m not saying having a registry means you’re overly focused on gifts or anything, but really, is not having a registry now considered a cash grab?

        1. I’m with ezt here. I also didn’t set up a registry. A lot of people at my wedding didn’t give gifts and that was 100% fine.

          I was just grateful that they were able to be there to witness something so important to me and my now-husband.

          Some gave whatever gifts they liked and that was fine, too! Not necessary, but all were appreciated!

        2. I hope that no registry does not equal looking for cash. We didn’t have a registry and told folks who asked what we wanted that we wanted them to come and celebrate with us.

          1. Same here. I don’t think anyone took offense or thought it was a cash grab, even though many people did give us cash or gift cards.

    3. Do you particularly like the home stuff you have now? If you are still using the same sheets and towels from undergrad, perhaps replace those. Are you really going to use formal china or would you like having awesome informal/everyday china to replace the set you have now. Even if you register for formal china/crystal/silver, it’s likely that you will only get a few place settings (unless you have a huge wedding with lots of generous guests). Also, your guests can handle their own budgets. If you register for the mixer at store A and I find it for an incredible price at store B, I’ll get it from store B and give it to you with a gift receipt. You still get the mixer.

    5. Can you set up a traditional registry and return everything people buy you for store credit? And then in 2 years go back and outfit your new home with all the wedding credit. We returned a lot of things people bought us through our registry and used the credit for things we wanted, like a full set of our china (instead of a mix of picture frames, mugs, champagne glasses, etc.. things that people want to buy as gifts but which are not so essential). We used it up within about a year. Returning everything was super easy because we would get email notifications of each registry gift, and had the option of just emailing back that we’d prefer the store credit instead of the actual gift.

    6. It does make sense to store all of that stuff. I agree with you about feeling weird registering for things at full price rather than getting them at discount stores, but two things made me feel better: 1) if you register at Bed Bath & Beyond or Macy’s, they literally ALWAYS have coupons that bring the price down, and 2) for very close friends and family, I felt comfortable casually mentioning that they could always just buy from elsewhere and then ask to take the item off the registry (or some people just do this anyway). If you register for high-quality items, they will last a long, long time – my parents, for instance, still have the food processor they got for their wedding in 1983 and it works just fine.

      1. I’ve heard this before, but it must be store-specific. I dealt with two BB&B’s with registry returns and they were both store credit only.

    8. My $.02: do a traditional registry to upgrade your stuff like preg 3L suggests above. But I found when I was getting married that family friends / extended family called my parents to ask what we *preferred* and then my parents could pass along the info that we were saving for XYZ. Naturally, people who were always going to give wrapped presents did so, but at least they had a list / ideas to go from. A friend of mine who didn’t make a registry ended up with, let’s say, the most *interesting* assortment of wedding gifts ever — and that was because her hubby-to-be was hoping that no registry = all cash and it totally backfired.

      1. Agreed! I think the word-of-mouth route is better, too, for the nontraditional things you want to ask for, i.e. cash, down payment on a house, or honeymoon fund.

        I recently saw lists all the things you can buy them on their honeymoon and the fact that it is available to any guest reads tacky to me. (Especially given that both the bride and groom have generous salaries, no student loans, and come from rich families.) People who are close to you are the ones that would want to do the non-traditional route anyway, so having it available to any guest who came on the website was so off-putting.

    9. You could do a very limited registry. There could be enough on the registry that people who are dead-set on traditional gift giving will get you something you like, but it’s also a way of encouraging cash without asking for it.

      2. +2. My friend did a limited registry. On the wedding website, she also politely wove into their “how we met story” the facts that 1) they were saving for a home, and 2) they had each been living independently for years and had two sets of everything.

        This didn’t prevent some truly horrid gifts though (i.e. a decapitated religious figurine in plastic casing).

    10. Just be careful about sitting on huge credits at stores. I had a friend who had an incredibly large credit (15k+) from returning all of her gifts after her wedding thinking she would just rebuy things when they moved out of her apartment and into a house. 1 year after the wedding, the store went out of business and she was out of luck. It was a high-end boutique in our town that did china, silver, etc. and not a large chain store, but still, in this economy- something to consider.

    11. Some places, like Macy’s, have a “dream fund” as part of the registry, which is basically a cash fund for purchases at the store later. So, you could do a hybrid of registering of for things that could fit in your apartment now and cash to be used later.

      Also, several of my friends have had suggestions for donating to charity in addition to a registry, and some charities (like Heifer International) have registries (buy a pig!). Not everyone likes to do that, but some guests appreciate it. My mom was really touched when a couple suggested donations to a Parkinsons charity, as my dad has Parkinsons. I think she gave them a gift and gave a donation to the group.

      1. We did a charity registry. We are older, have relatively good jobs, move way too often and had lived together for a while before we got married. We literally had everything we wanted/could fit into our place, so we chose three charities we contribute to. We did make sure to put in there a “here are ones we love, but pick whatever you want if you choose to contribute. Your presence is gift enough” yadda ya.

        I had worried that people would take it strangley, but everyone loved it and we didnt end up with stuff we didnt need/want.

    12. Thank you all for the suggestions! Good points in regards to not focusing too much on sales, etc. I think I generally need to get used to ceding control.

      I think we may register for some traditional stuff, but try to register for things that can easily be stored and aren’t incredibly bulky (i.e., china but not towels). We don’t really need to upgrade in this apartment–we are both 7 years out of undergrad, I’m 1 year out of law school, and we’ve lived together for several years. And probably register at larger stores with good return policies.

      For example, we now are perfectly happy with our IKEA dishes bought on Craigslist (set of 8–the max that will fit in our kitchen). Ideally we’d register for a much larger set of dishes (not only-formal-occasion china, but nicer china to use everyday) with matching serving dishes, cups and saucers, etc. We’d have to store a larger set elsewhere. But once we started using the larger set, I’d just donate the IKEA dishes.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one with this (quite nice to have) problem.

      1. I second register for really nice things that fit in your apt. Classic basics that you’ll want where ever you are – great set of knives, timeless pots and pans, fancy throw blanket.

      2. Even with a registry you’ll get some random gifts but the likelihood of getting a decorative tumbleweed bootscraper is highly diminished if you set up a registry, even an abbreviated one. Yes, said bootscraper was wrapped in wedding paper and waiting for me and hubby.

        And if you decide to make said registry, please make sure you test out any sheets or towels in person. I registered for a matching set of dishtowels and potholders online at BBB and was there a few weeks later and decided to check out everything on our registry and the towels and potholders felt terrible.

    13. Without a wedding registry, you will end up with a lot of random things. This is a great time to upgrade your sheets, dishes, pots, etc. and to enjoy things wyou would not necessarily buy for yourself. Alth0ugh you can buy Le Crueset at Marshall’s, with a new home, you may still be hesitant at spending hundreds on kitchen items.

      1. Yes and you’ll always have a few people (usually older) who don’t buy from the registry anyway. Sometimes that’s great but often it’s a ginormous multi-colored blown glass platter that you have no place to store. So reducing the number of those things is good. I think without a registry people feel they have to buy something decorative and impressive. Which often equates to large and “not my style.”

    14. I’d go the traditional registry route. Many of your guests will want to buy you something “traditional” and will appreciate knowing exactly what you want. Also, this really is a major opportunity to stock up on things you’ll need for your home in the future. Don’t pass it up! I made this mistake when I got married at age 25. I just couldn’t imagine that I’d ever want or need special dishes, silver, etc., so we didn’t register. We ended up getting a mish-mash of gifts, most of which I’m not even sure what we did with. Now, years later, I’d love to have the nicer things we could have registered for, but with kids’ college tuition and retirement looming, I’ll never spend the money.

    15. We knew we wouldn’t be using most stuff for a while, so I mostly just registered for things that I knew I would want but would be unlikely to buy myself at any price (e.g. formal china). We also did register for everyday dishes to replace haphazard stuff from grad school. But aside from a handful of other things like nice vases, that was most of what we registered for. It helps, though, that in my parents culture most people give cash…so I knew it was only a subset of guests who would want to give us anything.

      I know it’s not ideal, but several places like BB&B and Macy’s are pretty good about registry returns in exchange for store credit. So if you decide to register for stuff thinking you might use it, but find it’s really just a waste of space, you can return it to repurchase in 2-3 years (FYI, we did not do this except for a couple of things where we didn’t get the full set, e.g. knives, and ultimately decided we wanted something different than what we had originally registered for).

  8. Paging Flying Squirrel

    I responded to your post about your brother. Good luck to him.

    1. Thanks! I also get the sense that a full service firm might be a better environment than a very narrow boutique. I don’t think he’s working with a recruiter, but I will mention that to him.

  9. I’ve been notified I’m going to be temporarily sharing my workspace with a new staff member. I’m a huge introvert and am stressed out about this – it’s a small space, so will basically mean zero privacy/silence, which is how I work best.. It’s also going to mean I have to go elsewhere (a conference room) for one-on-one meetings, which I would say I have about 4-5x week.

    I’m looking for advice to 1) make the new staff member feel welcome and 2) maintain my (quickly evaporating) sanity about this. TIA!

    1. I feel your pain on this – I was moved into a large office with one other coworker, but fortunately, we got along and it wasn’t too bad. When he left, I had the space to myself for months and it was wonderful until a random guy I had never seen showed up in the door and said “they told me I’m sitting in here now.” As an introvert, I HATE “surprises” like that. If they had told me in advance that the guy would arrive, I would have had some time to process it, but they didn’t and it was stressful for me. I tried to be really friendly, but I just wasn’t prepared for all the small talk that might’ve made it less awkward.

      I realize that’s not very helpful, but hopefully others will have actual advice to share!

      1. Wow that’s an uncomfortable surprise! Sort of like someone just moving into your apt one day and saying ‘Hi! The landlord said I should move in with you’
        I understand what you mean – I feel like I can psych myself up for this, just not sure how.

        1. Depending on your workplace culture, can you wear headphones? If the new person sees you wearing headphones right from the start, maybe they won’t be too chatty. I would take them off on their first day, introduce yourself and chat a bit, and put them back on with a nice “if you have any questions, just let me know!”

          1. I can wear headphones and do already sometimes (discretely, I get a lot of walk-ins). I wonder if it will make me seem shut off – but maybe that’s what I’m going for….

    2. I’d say be upfront about it in a super polite way with the new person. I started a job once where I not only had to share an office, but a desk and computer. It was part field work part office work so we were supposed to coordinate. During training though, I just had to sit in her office all day with her. I’m an extrovert, she is an introvert. She handled it awesome. She basically said “hey, this is the first time I have had to share this space so there might be a few bumps along the way. Let me know if there is something I’m not thinking of that you need. Also, I’m one of those people who really needs silence to work so I apologize in advance if I’m sometimes short with you or not chatty. I know it sucks that you have nothing to do right now and I will give you all the work I can but sometimes, like if I’m writing a report, you are just going to have to entertain yourself because its not something I can talk about as I’m doing it.”

      We ended up getting along great even though part of the time one of us just had to sit in a side chair waiting for the computer to be free. Luckily, this job only lasted a year!

  10. Calling TCFKAG (and anyone else who wants to chime in…)!

    I’ve got a really gorgeous skirt from Talbots (link in the next comment) which is a deep plum with sequins as decoration. The pictures on the site don’t do it justice, really. Anyway, I want to wear it to a wedding in a few weeks, but I am utterly stumped about what to wear on top! At first I thought a charcoal cashmere v-neck, but now I’m wondering if it will be too heavy to wear with the skirt.

    A little about me – I am 5’6″ and about 150lbs. Carry my weight in my belly and chest (standard “apple” shape, I guess). I have gained a few pounds due to an unfortunate ankle injury, so I am feeling pretty self-conscious about my body right now.

    I am planning to wear a pair of closed-toe silver slingbacks (Sam Edelman “Othello”, if you want to check out N*rdstrom’s site).

    2. I don’t think I’d wear a sweater to a wedding. What about a silk blouse, something like this? I picked something with sleeves because I figured if you were thinking about a sweater you were worried about being cold. If you’re not worried about being cold I would wear something sleeveless – it reads more party and less work to me.

      http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi31830&rootCategory=cat70010&catId=cat80006&sortKey=Default&section=Regular&conceptIdUnderSale=cat70010

      2. I would definitely be in favor of wearing a dressy sweater to a fall/winter wedding. Wear what makes you feel good.

      3. I am in the upper midwest, so it’s going to be in the low 40s for the wedding. Sweater or something with sleeves is basically a must.

        Thanks for the suggestions. The matching top doesn’t have to be from Talbots. Usually I shop at AT, BR, Nordies, etc.

    3. I agree that a sweater would make the skirt look much less dressy. Since you’ll have a lot of volume in the skirt, I’d suggest wearing a more fitted top with 3/4 or shorter sleeves.

    4. I love that skirt! I like the idea of doing a grey with it. Ann Taylor usually has some nice merino wool blend sweaters that have decorative cuffs. I think that could be pretty with the sweater.

    6. AnnTaylor has a pretty short sleeved sweater with a “traditional” collar and stones/gems embellishment. Depenting on your coloring, I would say either color.

      http://www.anntaylor.com/embellished-collar-sweater/317109?colorExplode=false&skuId=14887574&catid=cata000011&productPageType=fullPriceProducts&defaultColor=7533

      I have a similar plum-ish colored skirt with purple/black sequins and black small feathers on the hem . From Nieman’s sale several winters ago. It looks great with grey and surprisingly, purple. Fuschia was good because of some of the iridescence in the sequins.

      Of course, ymmv, but I think the embellished top – just a little – might make it.

  11. I need some advice/commiseration on dealing with a difficult situation with my MIL. She’s been a single parent for a long time, has a history of mild depression, is very passive about creating her own happiness, and isolates herself from friends but complains of loneliness (all the root of the trouble, which we’ve been trying, and will continue to try to solve). She does not live near us, but relies on my husband and his younger sister (but mainly my husband) for much of her emotional support and happiness through long phone calls and frequent extended visits. My DH is honestly sweeter and more patient with her than a saint, but he admits it wears on him and as we build our life together, I feel like she is getting a bit more manipulative about getting what she wants from him and it is getting more draining for him to deal with as her requests escalate.

    I’ve been very careful to make sure he never feels like he needs to “choose” between us, but do set my own boundaries. Ex: Talk to her as often as you want throughout the day with texts, phone calls, etc. but I need the hours between 8:30-bedtime at 10:30 to be about the two of us- that is not the time for an hour long phone call from her (which is a pattern that started immediately following our wedding). My DH is very respectful of the boundaries that I set and presents them as being from both of us. I think the major thing was that he was fine sacrificing himself for his mom, but when he understood that the sacrifice was affecting me/our marriage, he was comfortable enforcing a boundary. We’re talking about having kids in a few years, and I feel like I need to encourage him to start setting certain boundaries because I feel there was a definite correlation between the level of her demands and the other competing things grabbing his attention. Our marriage seemed like a real triggering event for her in that she suddenly started escalating her neediness. I can’t imagine anything that she would see as a “threat” to his attention than a baby.

    I think this is something that we will definitely talk about in therapy together before taking the step of seriously trying for kids, but I’m hesitant to suggest it right now, given that DH is in for a really busy work schedule for the next 6-8 months and I dont want to add what he would see as another appointment, but would do because I asked him to. Is there any advice on how to frame some conversations between the two of us or how to frame certain boundaries with her?

    Part of the reason I want to start addressing this now is that I feel like there’s going to be an uncomfortable period of “retraining” and we’ll be visiting MIL for 2 weeks at Christmas- I’d like for us to start to have some tools to deal with things during that trip.

    1. This sound’s like a probelem in the makeing, and I wish you the best of luck, and hug’s. I think this is about the one thing that I did NOT anticipate before when I am considering HUSBAND’s. What about the mother? Most guy’s that just want sex usueally are not momma’s boy’s so I never had this issue, but now that I am lookeing for a guy who is supportive, I think there is a chance he will be more likely to be BEHOLDEN to his mother, and I do NOT want to have to have her in the picuture 24/7 10 year’s down the road. FOOEY! I have my own mom that I will need to deal with if she get’s needy, so why would I need 2?

      For now, all is well and I hope dad will be around forever, but men do NOT live as long as we do so I have to plan for the INEVIETIABLE. FOOEY! Beside’s I rely on dad for all thing’s financial, and would NEVER want mom to have to guide me on all of the fineances that dad does for me. By then I have to be married with my own guy to do the heavy lifteing for me in the finance area. YAY!!!

      So for the OP, I suggest you tell DH now that he can be freindly to mom at work, but when he comes in the door, he has to suport you and do thing’s for you, not talk to mom. Also, tell him that you are NOT goieng to like it if he has mom move in with you, or even nearby, b/c you will have your own mom to deal with, and she will have to come first. FOOEY! If you do this in a nice way, and are loveing to DH, he will go along. YAY!! Good luck and doubel hug’s to you!

    2. I get where you’re going, but banning MIL calls in the evening is too much. I doubt it’s appropriate to have your husband take hour-long calls from his mother when he is at work.

      1. Try not to read it in the most unreasonable light possible? Our hours differ. I have to leave the house early for work- usually around 6:30am. DH often doesn’t leave until 8- he talks to her on speaker phone while making breakfast, or for a half hour each way of his commute, or when he gets home from work and is doing mindless work tasks on his computer. The hours of 8:30-10:30 are literally the hours we are home together, which MIL knows. The calls at that time started immediately following the wedding, and there was absolutely no reason for them to happen at that time (and in the past they hadn’t been happening at that time).

      2. I disagree, sort of. It’s totally fair to request 2 hours of uninterrupted together time a night, barring emergency situations. I don’t think an hour-long call at work is the alternative, but couldn’t your husband keep his weekday conversations brief and then have a longer chat with his mom on Saturday or Sunday?

        2. Maybe it’s semantics. Asking for time I think is fine. Deciding what you jointly want and discussing mutual expectations amd when you are upset, also fine. Demanding = not so much.

      3. Really? I don’t think that’s too much to ask at all. My husband and I both use the time during our commutes in the evening to speak with our respective parents on the phone so that when we get home it’s all about us (our baby, and the two of us). We rarely take phone calls in the evening from anyone, unless it’s (a) an emergency, or (b) a short specific call (i.e., the “hey, we’ve talked and xx weekend is the best for you to come, let’s make plans soon” kind of call). If his mother needs to have hour long calls with him on the regular, I think they need to make arrangements that don’t directly take the time away from OP’s time with her husband. Esp. early in the marriage.

      4. Argh, typed a long response that got lost, but ultimately what I said was that I don’t think it’s too much to ask at all to ban hour long calls in the brief time you have together in the evening. My husband I do this. No calls from when we get home until we go to bed unless it’s an emergency or it’s a short call (usually just those involving plans or something). Essentially, no calls that are just for chit-chat/catching up. We both use our commute time for those calls with our respective families.

      5. No way is it too much. My MIL has called our house every night like clockwork at 9pm. It is always when we are heading toward the shower and trying to wind down to go to sleep (we both leave the house at 6). We have major, major exacerbating factors…for one, my MIL cares for my FIL who is in a vegetative state after an accident about 4 years ago. She has transferred all emotional support needs to my husband (oldest, only son, 3 younger sisters).

        She’s on a weird schedule, and sleeps until 11, and then around 9pm decides it is time to call. Years ago, we instituted a “no family calls after we get home from work unless it is an emergency” rule, because both my family and his were being really intrusive. I’ve always followed it, and after telling my family about it, they just stopped calling after about 6:30pm unless it was a quick question or something urgent. Great. MIL…not so much.

        So the rule is we use commute time for those calls, but MIL just doesn’t get the hint. OP, you are totally right that there will be an ugly training period, but you have to do it! Otherwise the pattern will just continue and you will resent it. That being said, if you’ve set boundaries and husband is respecting them, then you’re in really good shape!

        If you don’t get a handle on it, it just escalates. Last month MIL called my husband’s cell 5 times, my cell 5 times, and the house line 5 times – at 2:30am, because she got something in the mail from the IRS that freaked her out. She just happened to check her mail at 2:30 am so she thought that was a good time to call! Thank goodness all the phones were on silent. Not saying that’s where you’ll end up, but best to set boundaries now so they are in place when/if you do decide to have a baby.

    3. It’s kind of hard to see what you’re getting at in terms of additional boundaries. If your rule is that she can’t call for an extended conversation between 8:30 and 10:30 PM, and your husband is enforcing that, then that’s great. I think what you need — and what you seem to have — is your husband’s willingness to support you and your family.

      Also, does it make sense for her to continue living where she currently lives? Maybe it would just be easier for her to move closer to either you or your husband’s sister. If nothing else, it would probably reduce the need for extended visits if someone can just drop by and check on her on a Saturday afternoon, and maybe she would be less lonely, too.

    4. I’m confused why you think you need therapy to address this. It sounds like you identified a boundary you need (8-10), and he respects that and has implemented it. Is there something else you need that you t’eo are having trouble communicating about? Couples therapy is great for when you need a different way to relate to each other or communicate, but it can’t make her less needy. I’m never comfortable with the concept of retaining someone else. She’ll do what she’s going to do. Are there any specific issues you anticipate over the holidays? I don’t think you should borrow tomorrow’s troubles (what do we do when we have kids) instead of focusing on today’s (why did I agree to a 2 week visit?)

      1. I agree. If your husband is enforcing the no phone calls in the evening boundary, and that’s good enough for now, I would let it go.

        Also, any way you can stay in a hotel when you go visit her? That would definitely help with the boundary issue.

        1. Thanks for everyone who responded. Mostly it’s that the phone calls are one example. It’s the most concrete one where it went from Behavior A pre-wedding to Behavior B post-wedding. We’ve dealt with multiple surprise visits (which only stopped because she came one week where DH had an absolute non-negotiable business trip and left 2 hours after she arrived, after spending 500 on a flight) and meltdowns during times where there’s the perceptions that DH is unavailable. Like the weekend we had my cousins’s wedding/rehearsal dinner/brunch- MIL left 3 absolutely histerical voicemails that she had been robbed, insisted she couldnt cancel her credit cards on her own, had DH jump through all these hoops to help her… only to find the purse that had been “stolen” Monday morning. Etc. Etc. Etc.

          And the therapy- mostly because DH seems to want the boundaries but feels guilty putting them in place himself. I don’t want it to be like there’s something wrong with how he handles things- just us getting a handle on how we want to parent together/how our families might have affected some things.

    5. I wonder if you’re creating an issue now when this is something that will not materialize for a few years (as you say, kids are a few years off). What is it that you want as the end result of all of this? It’s difficult to have this sort of conversation if you don’t have an end goal other than “stop talking to/emotionally supporting your mom so much!,” especially when there are complicating factors. I’m sure your husband feels a great obligation towards her.

      It seems like your DH has already sent a boundary of not speaking to his mom in the evening (shifting his calls to the morning). Yes, when kids come along that will be more challenging because they’ll also need to get ready in the morning, but that’s always a balancing act. Your DH will have to adjust his schedule with his mom, and maybe that means talking only on his commute, or talking on Saturdays. I don’t really know if there’s a way that you can manage HER expectations before things change. Please note, I’m not saying that this shouldn’t be something that should be discussed with your husband (it should), I’m just not sure that a conversation with him NOW about how he has to set boundaries with her so that he can focus on you and your unborn kids is the most constructive conversation. I’m sure this issue will come up while you’re pregnant, and that’s a good time for him to start managing expectations.

      As for visiting over Christmas, I think you just need to tell him that while you’re there for 2 weeks that you would like to occasionally escape family time and do things just the two of you – whether it be dinner, the movies, walking around the mall – and that he needs to be the one to say that you’re going to do something alone.

      1. I dont know, I had to deal with something similar and it took a lot before my mother in law realized that it was no longer possible for her to expect her son to drop everything to do what she needed and meet any request, no matter how unreasonable, in the name of being supportive. She tested everythiiiing before finally starting to rely on other people for things and doing some things herself. It was really hard for me and my husband to deal with the retraining, but ultimately so worth it. You wouldn’t believe the ridiculous boundaries that had to be enforced.

        The most insane- “Will you come pick me up from the airport when I land even though its in the middle of a work day? No I don’t want to take a car service, I’ll just wait at the airport until you finish work and can get me.” No- we will send a car for whatever time you like, but we will not drive an hour each way to the airport during a work day when we’ll happy pay for a car.

        A lot of the things are power plays.

        1. Completely agree that it’s not helpful to enable a needy person.

          They are like empty buckets that can’t be filled by periodically dropping more water in.

          OP, any chance your husband can visit her and talk with her in person soon? I am thinking they could have a heart-to-heart where he tries to get her to see that she has the power to improve her own life. Would she be willing to do some personal or family-counseling with him if he offers to pay? Your MIL is hurting and the only person who can truly change that is HER. But someone needs to get through to her, and I think your husband is probably the only one she would even consider listening to.

        2. I generally agree – if there are actionable items that OP can point to (like the airport pickup situation Florrick described), then by all means have a conversation about boundaries. But if the OP is just trying to start a general conversation because she’s afraid that her MIL will get worse… well, how can you retrain the MIL in advance of the kid, and what are you telling your DH needs to change?

      2. I agree with this advice. My very emotionally needy MIL reacted to our first child’s birth in ways I could never have anticipated. (I mean, I knew there’d be a reaction, I just couldn’t foresee the specifics.) You and you husband already seem to have good communication in place, which is great.

      3. I agree with this and others above that trying to manage MIL’s response to kids preemptively may not be necessary/effective/worth the time or effort. I could have written the OP’s post word for word about my own MIL, and often worried about how much worse she would be when kids entered the picture. She surprised me, though, and has been a lot better since we had our first baby last year. She seems to really respect our family and me as a mother–we have not had many boundary issues at all. Just wanted to weigh in that it could be better than you think! She could also be terrible, but you’ll be better equipped to deal with her effectively once you see how she actually reacts.

    6. I don’t have any personal experience with this, but perhaps try framing conversations with him or suggestions for therapy sessions as part of a larger conversation about changes in your lives that will happen when you have a child. Start by envisioning life after having a baby–how your schedules will have to change, how you will keep your relationship strong, what each of you will prioritize (date nights? couple time together? family activities? exercizing? hobbies? holidays as a small family unit or with extended family?). Talk about whether you would want family to visit before/during/after the baby is born, and how long. Where would they stay? Then, you could address potential MIL issues in the context of changes to your lives and routine after having a child.

      Another thought–if having a child is a “triggering event” for MIL, perhaps the pregnancy will be the “trigger” rather than the birth. In which case, you may have a couple of months to “retrain” before you have an actual baby to care for.

      Good luck! It sounds like you and your husband are really supportive of each other, which bodes well even if MIL becomes (more of) an issue.

    7. Therapy doesn’t really seem necessary to me. Also, I think having children get married is a totally, totally different situation for a parent than having a grandchild come into the picture, and I think it may even have the opposite effect that getting married does… rather than “taking away” her child, you are giving her a grandchild, and if she is that close with her kids, I would assume she would also be at least a moderately involved/caring grandma, so I can’t imagine that making her relationship with her son any worse. Granted, I don’t know her at all, and I may be a bit optimistic, but I wouldn’t go looking for troubles before they actually exist.

      If your husband has issues with his current relationship with his mother, you can help him sort it out, but that is really something that he has to figure out…what does he want his relationship with his mother to be?

      1. I think there’s also the potential for the MIL to transfer her neediness to the grandchildren. If she feels lonely, she may think the perfect solution is to fill her time with grandchildren. (“But I’ll watch them for you during the day!” “But I want to talk to my grandbaby!” etc)

        I agree with Alice above – you and DH need to talk through your expectations and plans. If that’s difficult or you see potential problems, then it might make sense to bring in a neutral third party.

        You’re smart to think about this pre-pregnancy, if only to ensure the two of you are on the same page. The first few months of new-parenthood are stressful enough and a complete suck on your emotional availability – having a strategy to deal with others who may try to take even more of your attention/sanity/livelihood is a great idea.

        1. Agree about the therapy.

          The grandchild can become the MIL’s useful “front” for attention-seeking. She’ll keep intruding and pushing and pretending it’s primarily for the grandchild or grandchildren. When you pushback, she can potentially guilt you into putting up with her intrusions because it’s for the sake of the grandchild.

          Good to pre-empt that.

    8. Maybe not therapy, but I would certainly talk to your husband about your concerns and see what he thinks (does he envision similar problems? does he think it will be fine?).

      Through a fun twist of fate, my mother in law has been living with us since January and will continue living with us until next summer. This arrangement was supposed to last 6 months max. She’s nothing like the needy MIL you describe but there is a certain amount of passive agressiveness about things. Because I had a very clear conversations with my husband before this arrangement started in which I routinely voiced that I was comfortable with her living with us for 6 months, but if it was going to be longer then we needed to look into maybe paying for her to get an apartment, etc., he is now extremely considerate of the fact that this has turned into an 18 month arrangement instead of a 6 month arrangement and that makes a huge difference in my ability to deal with the situation.

      So I agree you don’t need to borrow tomorrow’s troubles but I think it’s more than fair to start that conversation.

  12. quick question: what length of dress is appropriate for work? I am self conscious today because I’m wearing a new sweater dress that I feel MIGHT be a wee bit short for work (it’s definitely shorter than my usual knee length skirts/dresses). I’m 5’8″, and it’s about two inches above the knee. However, I wore opaque tights and a black blazer over it to make it more formal/work-like. It doesn’t necessarily look scandalous–it’s just that it’s not quite as conservative as my usual ensemble, so I’m a bit nervous.

    1. I think 2 inches is perfectly fine. I think it would be fine even without tights. I think non-work appropriate starts at about double that, 4 inches, above the knee.

    2. I totally know what you mean. I have several dresses that are around the same length you describe, but for some reason, I feel comfortable in some and not comfortable in the others. It’s not even necessarily just the length — I find that fabric, cut, and style also contribute to whether or not I feel polished for work. Adding a black blazer and opaque tights definitely helps, but in general, if I feel uncomfortable in it all day, it’s too short for work for ME, even if no one else notices (and I’ve asked friends who swore up and down my dresses were not too short). I just go by what feels right, not so much actual length. Does that make sense?

      1. Yeah, I’d be uncomfortable in a dress 2″ above my knee. Especially because when sitting, the dress rides up higher.

    4. I know this goes against popular opinion, but I’m totally against a bright-line rule for how far above the knee is appropriate for work. I really think it depends on your height and body type, and perhaps whether other areas of your body are exposed. What reads inappropriate/too revealing (or frumpy, for that matter) on one person can be just fine on another. Chances are though if you feel uncomfortable it’s probably inappropriate. But if something happens to be two inches above the knee and is otherwise conservative and you feel good in it, I’d say rock it.

      2. Agreed. I’m petite and things that hit right at knee level make me look very short. An inch or two above knee level works best for me, but it also changes depending on styling, fabric, and cut.

        I think it’s situational. To the OP – what you have described does not sound too short in my opinion. Length is different between a sweater dress and a pencil skirt, though, and with a more casual piece like a sweater dress, it might feel like it’s too short compared to how you normally dress. I’m sure you know what is appropriate and what is not in your office, but on paper this doesn’t sound like an inappropriate outfit!

      3. Agree. I’m tall and leggy and while 2″ isn’t scandalous on most people, by most guidelines, it can look pretty racy on me, so I am careful that things be knee length or further, based on my build. Also, I am firmly in the “tights do not make an otherwise inappropriate length skirt OK for work”, but I tend to work in more formal, stuffy environments (law firms).

    5. If you are uncomfortable, it is too short. It may be perfectly fine, but if you are distracted by it, that discomfort will show.

  13. So this is probably going to sound stupid, but I seriously cannot figure out how to decorate my home. How do people do it? Fashion is so much easier because you can pick different looks for each day and it’s not as big of an investment. Buying a chair or coffee table is such a big investment. And I’m terrible at knowing what looks good with what. I want to have a cute place that doesn’t scream “Crate and Barrel showroom” (not that I don’t love C&B, but I would like to have a mix of styles in my home and not just give in and buy everything from one store). How do you ladies do it?

    Things I especially struggle with:

    *knowing which end tables go with which lamps
    *pairing throw pillows with my couch
    *picking a rug
    *picking paint colors
    *buying art (augh, this has caused me a ridiculous amount of stress. My walls are still almost bare after three years in the same place! it’s just such a COMMITMENT).

    Help! Any tips? And I already read Design Sponge, Apartment Therapy, Emily Henderson, etc., so it’s not so much that I need resource advice as practical advice.

    1. my advice is to pick very neutral, classic pieces for the investment stuff (i.e. couches, tables, chairs, etc.)–and then add color/patter with pillows, carpets, lamps, artwork. That way it doesnt cost much to switch up the look when you’re “over it.” The easiest thing is to pick pieces that fit your taste, budget, and room size–are you more country? traditional? modern? etc.? And the way to tie everything in is just to pick a color scheme and go with it

      It’s usually easiest to start with a rug or piece of artwork that catches your eye. Then add accessories that match the colors of the artwork or rug.

      1. This is a good tip, and this is what I’ve done so far, but now my place is all beige and greige. I’m terrified to add color! I guess I have to start somewhere.

        1. Get a bright-colored throw and some colorful lampshade(s). I think neutrals and a pop of red can look really nice together. Or you could do orange, yellow or blue? (This is also easy to switch out with the seasons or if/when you get bored).

          For art, buy things you like and don’t worry about it going with your furniture. I think it looks too hotel room if you try to match art to a room — the way to integrate art is through frames and placement with your other pieces. I’d spend some time online just looking at different stuff to figure out what you like — for ex., I really like nature scenes so I have a lot of variations on that hanging on my walls and it all tends to go together even though none of it was planned. Complimentary or matching frames will make different pieces come together.

          For rugs, this is more a matter of personal taste but I think it’s hard to go wrong with a traditional pattern (e.g., some variation on the rugs at the Pottery Barn catalog). You can get inexpensive wool rugs at Homegoods and on Overstock dot com. I would look for a brick red or deep blue base color. Anything that’s too much one color, esp. dark, will show dirt too easily. For something totally neutral, get seisal. You can always layer a smaller patterned rug on top of that later.

          I also think that nice curtains or shades (or both) can really change a room and make it feel finished. I wouldn’t worry matching tables to lamps — just think is this table a good height for my couch? Will this lamp fit with the proportions and give good light? It’s really not an exact science.

        2. Just do it! It’s liberating. And if you’re anything like me, you won’t be able to stop looking at the new bright pieces.

    2. You and me both. I need to bribe a friend with food to come over and redo my place.

    3. I just helped my mom make a lot of choices for my newly renovated childhood home and also decorated my first apartment with my husband. My favorite way of decorating is to stick to one color family and add different shades and textures. I think it helps cheaper things look higher end and I also think it means you can add some seasonal punch or make additions without throwing a whole scheme off.

      For example: my living room has dark brown wood floors, an oriental carpet that is beige, brown, and ivory, and a beige-ish couch. The rest of our furniture is dark wood (so TV stand, dining room table, etc.). It sounds boring, but then for winter we brought out a beautiful ivory cable knit cashmere throw blanket, ivory sequin throw pillows from west elm. I have cheaper throw blankets that are purple for summer, some fun orange decorations for halloween, some red things from christmas, etc. I just try to keep it so that the base of expensive pieces is versatile but not boring. My bedroom is very similar, but in shades of blue (so navy, cream, pale blue).

      Houzz and Pinterest are your friend.

    4. I feel the same way! It sounds counter-intuitive, but I might take a break from Apartment Therapy, Design Sponge, etc. because those sites tend to feature people who really have it together, design-wise, and I just find it overwhelming. The advice to choose a color scheme in advance is pretty common, but it doesn’t work for me – I want to buy stuff I like, not fit it into my pre-existing color scheme. But it would help narrow the field some.

      Finally, with art – check local stores and sale racks. It’s often possible to find framed prints in the $50 range, which isn’t such a huge outlay of cash that you should feel like you need to keep it for the next 25 years.

    5. Don’t worry about the art. Wait until you find things you love, without regard to whether they fit in with the other things you have.

      I had a little bit of the same problem – I love color (like I have a hard time picking a favorite), so it came down to making myself rules for my current place. When I painted I picked 3 colors – one neutral that went on most of the walls (it’s a studio with a den, so you basically see all the walls everywhere), a color for the kitchen to delineate that space, and then an accent wall color for some fun. Then, the accessories I was allowed to buy had to be in one of the two colors I painted (dark orange or a lighter green) or a neutral (white, birch wood, gray or black). My bedroom linens were limited to white or gray with pops of pink for fun.

      By setting rules for myself, it helped with wanting to buy all the things! As for finding a cohesive style – think about what your constraints are. If you have a studio, you aren’t going to buy a monster sized couch. If you’re really tall, you probably don’t want a low slung couch. So start with that, and then figure out what you need next. You need an end table to be x size, have 2 shelves and hold a lamp that is y big? Look at what your options are there. If you get it and it doesn’t work, try something else.

      I know you said you had websites already, but if you haven’t looked at Young House Love, I’d suggest looking through their site for a the meta sense of how to make the right decisions for you. Not that you are copying their style, but they talk about some of the things they think about when deciding what to buy or what color to paint.

      Good luck! Have fun with it.

      1. As for art – figure out what you like. Do you like photos? Paintings? Multimedia stuff with texture? I figured out that I like photos of real things/places, but with saturated colors – so I started looking at the National Geographic Art Store for photos that I loved. If you can figure out what you are drawn to, then you can figure out what you want to look for/invest in/buy. The best way to do that might be to go to an art fair with lots of different booths – so you can figure out what you want to stop and take a look at, and what you are content to walk by.

    6. I tend to start with one item and build the room around it. For example, I have an antique armchair I love. When putting together the living room, I first found a rug that went with the chair. It was a tradtional Oriental style rug and had several colors in it, including a color that matched the chair. Then I picked a different color in the rug and found a sofa that matched that color. The chair is a little more ornate (carved wooden legs, roll arms, etc.) so I picked a sofa that was plainer but in the same general shape as the chair. Almost all of the other furniture in the room is wood. It’s all in the same stain, which is a medium brown that matches another color in the rug, and all in roughly a similar style (simple traditional) but none of it is from a matched set. I think if you want a little diversity in style, it can work to have several items in the same color but different styles. The color helps pull it all together and makes it look like the mixing is intentional. We also have a leather padded bench along one wall. The leather is a similar color to the wood, but the difference in texture helps to break up the room a bit. The art I’ve put up is generally in the same palate as the rest of the room, and the frames are either wood stained in a similar shade to the furniture, or are metal that matches the metal in the lamps.

      As for lamps, I think you can really have some leeway with them. I’d still try to use a color that’s elsewhere in the room or at least match tones among the lamps (e.g., I’m not sure I’d put a brushed nickel lamp in the same room as a shiny brass one).

      As for painting the walls, I have no idea. I’m very bad at picking wall color so we just left what the people before us had (who had great taste in picking wall colors and who actually had very similar color schemes in each room to ours).

      Have you tried looking at flea markets or similar places for unique furniture items? If you want to keep your place from looking like you bought it all at one store, getting a totally unique item or two can really help.

      1. I second the flea market approach, having found some really great, unique stuff for very cheap. So-called cheap furniture made several decades ago is often more durable than the stuff made nowadays for the IKEAs, Targets, and other low-to-midpriced furniture stores.

    7. Thanks! These are helpful tips. January, I think you’re right about taking a break from those sites. It’s like only comparing myself to the women in Vogue or on the Sartorialist instead of the women I actually see on the street. Blogs and magazines are great for inspiration, but sometimes the pressure to emulate them can lead to paralysis!

      My style is warm modern, I guess. I love West Elm. C&B sometimes feels too heavy and old-school for me, but I love certain pieces (my couch is C&B). CB2 can feel too cold and modern, but again, certain pieces are amazing. Restoration Hardware is not my thing at all.

      Oh, and can I just say how excited I am that Domino is coming back? That magazine was my home decor bible back in the day. It’s so approachable!

    8. Reading along because, yeah.

      I think I’m going to have to resort to: 1) enlisting a friend with decent decorating sense, and 2) commit to spending a gob of money all at once. I think that’s the problem I have – I find it difficult to visualize how I want a room to look and buying things piecemeal doesn’t help.

      Hmm, I do live near the Discovery Channel headquarters, maybe I can get on one of their design shows!

    9. I’m the same way but I stopped worrying so much about “what goes together” and started focusing on pieces I like. I’m not saying my place is a mismatch nirvana but I bought pieces I like (in shades of grey) and everything just goes. I would stick to neutrals and choose accent colours so you can easily replace those if you get bored.

    10. My strategy over the past couple of years has been to buy things I really love and hope they fit together. This didn’t really work until I moved in with a roommate, who had her own set of random (but nice) furniture, and a sister who was an interior designer. The sister came for a visit and rearranged all our random furniture into a really nice configuration – seriously, the area looked ten tiems better, and we didn’t buy anything new. So, maybe you could hire someone to come over for a few hours to arrange the stuff you have, and recommend a few things to plug any holes you have.

    11. This may sound crazy, but twice I have had great luck recreating rooms I found on the internet. I copied all the finishes in my bathroom from a bathroom I saw on gardenweb dot com and loved the final result. And I did my guest room after collecting a whole bunch of photos of rooms I liked from Pinterest and other sites (I am totally addicted to houseofturquoise dot com) and then doing my own mashup of the pieces and colors I liked the best.

      I may not be the most original decorator in the world, but my rooms look great and I’m happy with them!

      1. I’ve relied on this approach. I just don’t have a ton of new ideas for decorating, but it’s better than my old way of decorating, which was blank walls and lots of badly chosen furniture.

    12. Can you find a friend who is good at this stuff and have him or her help you out? They can show you different aesthetics and you can use process of elimination to decide what kind of style you like, and then they can point you to good resources to buy things.

      In the short term, I second the advice about looking at Pinterest, finding stuff you like, then trying to replicate. Places to look – overstock (especially for a rug), etsy for interesting vintage vases, trays, and decorations – even lamps. For art, I got some artistic posters that represented me, then had them framed. There were a few things I picked up through traveling, but our main piece is from art.com. It’s fine to pick something just to put up on the wall for now, with the idea of upgrading later!

      Also don’t overthink it! You’re the one who lives there, so pick what you like and don’t worry if it doesn’t all “go together” on paper. As long as you don’t paint the walls a crazy color, everything is a quick change and you can play around with what you have to make it work!

      One random tip – finding decorations that incorporate mirrors is always good. They make your space look bigger and they just amplify everything else you already have, without adding anything, so no clashing possibilities! Overstock has lots of awesome mirrors too.

    13. Get a bunch of design/home/style magazines and maybe catalogues. Spend a rainy time all cozied up at home and just pull out pages of things you like. The look, the arrangement, the color, the furniture, the art, etc.

      Sort them into piles by paint color, wall covering, rugs, furniture, artwork, etc. Then go back a week later and look for trends.

      There are also magnetic kits for house planning for placement of furniture. Yes, you can do it with graph paper and make your own size/area cutouts, but this makes it easier and used for all rooms.

      I have an expandable file that I have had in progress for at least 25 years; I go through the file folders in it when I’m looking for something new. If my tastes have changed or the demands of the home, I use that opportunity to cull out the files. So the “idea” expandable is different from the “items we have bought file.”

      Every so often I go on a magazine binge just to update my tear outs – as in what’s in the same style/color I like consistently but available now. Esp. important as places seem to go out of business…

      Also, take tons of paint chips from your local big box hardware store. Pull the colors you are drawn to…over time patterns show up. Also, the chips are great for matching upholstery, rugs, linens, art, etc. I have recommended to some people that they spend the money and get a set of the Pantone “chips” from amazon … whether they are planning to move or are constantly working on wardrobe and house stuff, having the pantone in your briefcase/purse/tote can help you coordinate colors if it is not natural to you.

      Happy shopping!

    14. Art doesn’t have to be a formal commitment. Art dot com (I think) and other places sell poster or print reproductions at a decent cost. A stock frame and you’re done. Also, many chain framing places (Aaron Brothers) have preframed art at decent prices.

      If you change your mind about the art, you can always donate it to a charity or to a school’s fund-raising auction.

      I have also used wallpaper and put it in a stock frame for inexpensive art. SOmetimes there are big enough samples at the store that you can put 2-3 together, overlapping them like color blocking clothes and/or Mondrian. Wallpaper also livens up a desk when under a piece of glass, or even a dinette table or vanity table. Easy. Some people use fabric instead of wallpaper but I find the wallpaper lays “flat” easier than fabric.

      Don’t forget Etsy for art!

    15. I struggle with this too, and we are in the middle of remodeling our house!! At the suggestion of a couple of people and more-or-less the demand of my Dad who offered to loan us some money for the remodel only on one condition, we hired an interior designer for a consultation. It’s surprisingly affordable, and there are many different ways in which they work. I always assumed that they would oversee the whole project, but you can also just do hourly consultations to talk color, aesthetic, and layout. Our visit was super useful (even DH got really into it), and the suggestions she gave us were fairly cost-effective and we can already tell they are going to make a big difference. We talked about more structural things, but they can also do something similar for decor…I think I may use her again. Honestly, I think she was totally worth her fee, since in the long run she saved us from spending money on things we didn’t need…and I feel much more confident that things will look tied together. She also pointed us to websites that I would never have found on my own that were much cheaper than anywhere I would have looked. The savings on the cabinet handles alone (about half the Home Depot price) probably paid for most of her visit.

    16. I am facing a similar problem with my new place because I often buy things I genuinely like instead of things that go well together. I am trying to correct this by enforcing some rules – matched metallic finishes on lamps and end tables, no more than two shades of wood finishes in a room, no mixing more than two decorative styles in a room etc. My bookshelves, media unit, lamps are all clean, modern, dark wood with straight lines but my couch is ivory with curves and tufting and acts as the statement piece in the room.

      For art, I stick to mostly black and white sketches that I pick up on travels. Individually the pieces don’t have much impact but grouped together they look like a nice collection.

  14. I recently got married and moved to a new city with my husband. We each had a car before getting married but now we are in a walkable neighboorhood with great public transit and only want/need to keep one car. Aaaand of course, we can’t agree on which car to keep, we each think we should keep our own car. I won’t say whose is whose but here is the details:

    CarA is 2009 worth about 8,500 on kbb- it’s paid off.
    CarB is 2012 miles worth about 11,500 – we owe about 15,500.

    If we sell Car B we will have to pay the difference, but we do have that money in savings . The CarB payment is $400 and the insurance is $100, so without the payment we could save an extra $500. Please help!

    1. Can you sell Car A and pay off a ton of Car B? That way, you’re not upside down in it and its payment goes to zero much faster.

    2. I would sell car B, unless you project it to last a LOT longer than car A – like if car A is a make/model known for unreliability.

    3. Is one easier to park/gets better mileage/has more cargo space/is better in [insert bad weather common in your area]? Also, even though you both prefer your own cars, does one of you *hate* to drive the other’s car while the other is more neutral about driving the car that’s not theirs?

      1. This is a really important consideration, along with whether one is a model known for much better reliability.

    4. I may be missing something but, aside from the fact that Car A is older, I don’t really see why you wouldn’t sell Car B. It seems like a financial no-brainer and, also, if you will be using the car less now, it might not matter if you have an older car.

    5. Gah, I wrote a long reply and it got eatern, but other posters have covered my various suggestions. Howevre, I do think you should look at an amortization calculator like this one: http://www.bretwhissel.net/cgi-bin/amortize (be sure to check “Show amortization schedule”) and get a sense of how much you are paying in compound interest. I thought I understood the cost of credit until I looked at this, it’s amazing how much it adds up.

      Also, if you sell car B you make back the penalty in a year of saving the payments, but consider how much of an impact withdrawing 4k will have on your savings – if its significant, be careful.

    6. I think it’s telling that you didn’t include the make/model of the cars. Let me guess, one of you has car values that encompass more than just age and cost?

    7. Sell Car A and put the money toward Car B, especially since you’d have to dip into savings to sell Car B.

    8. I don’t think this is a purely monetary decision – does one of you do the bulk of the driving (because in that case, I think that person’s comfort gets greater weight)? Does one of you need a certain “level” of car for work (say because you’re driving clients around or going to lots of off-site meetings where your car may be noticed)? Are there weather concerns (i.e. you’re in the snow belt and only one of the cars is all-wheel-drive)? Space concerns (a Kia Rio and a Toyota Highlander do not fit the same number of people in them)? Do you do any activities that would be better supported by one car vs. the other (i.e. – we like to go camping in the mountains = we need a car with more cargo space)? Also, how long are you planning on keeping the car? (If you’re also planning to have a kid during the time frame you’re planning to still have the car, factor in whether it’s big enough to fit the things that need to be hauled once there’s a baby in the picture.) Does one car get significantly better gas mileage? What about insurance – is one car less expensive to insure (either because its safer or because its less flashy)?

  15. Your final car debt will be ~$4000. Think of it like buying a used car for $4000: would you buy the 2009 (car A) or the 2012 (car B). I’m guessing car B would be a better deal.

      1. Are you sure it’s 4k either way? Seems to me if they sell A and keep B, even if they pay the $8500 towards B, they still owe $7k plus interest and presumably higher insurance on a car that is financed (because you are insuring your lender’s interest in the loan) and presumably more valuable.

  16. Hive, what are your thoughts on lab-created diamonds versus traditional? My friend’s girlfriend wants to propose now that they can legally marry, and it seems that the lab-created ones are conflict-free and cheaper. But are they looked at the same way as moissanite and CZ? She doesn’t want to be the “cheap’ fiance…

    1. Lab created diamonds are actual diamond – compressed carbon in a crystalline structure. CZ and mosissanite are complete different chemical structures, which is why they end up looking different. Lab (synthethic) diamonds look like diamonds because that’s what they are. No one will know they are lab created unless you tell them. Or unless they look at the stone with spectroscopy equipment.

      1. Having surmounted so many obstacles (political, etc.) to be able to get married, the last thing they should worry about is whether some gemstone snob looks down on the ring.

        If the person who will wear the ring likes it, and the giver of the ring is happy because of it — that’s all that matters.

      2. They do actually look different – but the difference is that lab-created diamonds tend to look sparklier! The perfection in a lot of lab-created gems is actually what makes them look “fake” like CZ – it’s so incredibly rare to see mined diamonds with perfect clarity that the perfect clarity of lab-created diamonds has fallen out of favor, and some gem producers are now creating and marketing slightly imperfect gems to make them look “more real.”

        Also, lab-created diamonds are usually cut in a way to maximize sparkle – whereas mined dimaonds are often cut to best hide a flaw or show off the particular qualities of that one stone.

    2. Depends who is looking! Can your friend just ask her girlfriend what she thinks? Or are they fans of secret surprise engagements. I personally don’t care for lab created diamonds because years of the A Diamond is Forever campaign got to me. I’ll admit it’s a stupid reason though, and certainly to the eye there’s no difference.

    3. I have no idea about lab diamonds but I would think that this is something that they should talk about first. People tend to have very strong feelings about this and even if the GF is okay with the idea of lab-created, she may not like the idea of not being able to approve it first as a concept. My general thinking is that CZ and masonite and anything else “faux” is something that you should only get for yourself or for someone with their approval. I realize lab diamonds are slightly different, but for me it falls into this category, too.

      If ethics and expense is a concern, vintage diamonds are another option — they tend to be less expensive and whatever was done to procure them was done a loooooong time ago.

    4. So interesting that people would have negative views on lab created diamonds. I don’t really understand that. Seems like a win-win to me–conflict free diamonds AND cheaper? Why would anyone prefer spending more money on something that potentially caused harm to someone else/to another community? I’m asking genuinely–is it because the other diamonds are rarer?

      1. I would imagine it’s the fact they rare, the fact that they are “natural” (for lack of a better word), and probably the pressure society puts on people. Bu I don’t know anything about diamonds so…I could be way off.

      2. also, diamonds aren’t actually nearly as “rare” as marketing has led us to believe… rather faux-scarcity created to drive up prices and desirability. diamonds really are a complete and total scam on society. it’s amazing that the “ooh, sparkly” reflex overcomes this consideration in so many people (myself included!). so thanks, I guess, debeers?

        I’d go lab/vintage diamonds all the way.

        2. Yea, De Beers basically had the single greatest marketing success in history.

          I would also go vintage, but mainly because I love art deco/edwardian settings. If not, I imagine lab diamonds would be fine. I may be wrong on this, but I think originally they had a hard time making good gem-quality large white diamonds in labs, rather than industrial-quality or colored diamonds, so maybe that’s why people have some sort of negative association with them?

    5. Surprisingly, a lot of the really nice lab-created gems are almost on par with natural diamonds in terms of cost, and lab-created colored gems, like sapphire, are actually more expensive! However, people do have very different ideas on what is acceptable/desired, so it’s a conversation they should have before any rocks get purchased.

      1. this isn’t quite true, I have a lab sapphire and it was cheaper than a natural one (of similar quality) would have been.

        1. Where did you get it? Was it dyed or was the tint “grown” in? I’ve been looking at lab-grown sapphires, so this is highly relevant to my interests.

      2. This does not surprise me at all. I base this on synthetic v. real opals. Not much $avings there at all.

  17. I am planning to refinance my loans through DRB. (1) Has anyone used them before? (2) If you have a referral link, post it here to get some referral cash!

  18. I’ve posted before about resources for supporting a partner who seems to be struggling with depression, and I’m still really grateful to those of you who chimed in then.

    My partner and I have an appointment at 5 PM today to see a counselor with whom he has worked in the past. I made the appointment (with partner’s consent) during a depressive episode last week and was very explicit with the counselor about what seemed to be going on. The counselor was very kind and agreed that all the warning signs I was noting–apathy, disengagement, self-pity and self-loathing, saying that he didn’t care that he didn’t care about anything, saying that he didn’t want to deal with anyone (including himself)–were worrisome and worth addressing.

    Partner has just announced (quite rudely) that doesn’t plan to attend today’s session and that he’s not in a good place to work on this. I feel–and perhaps I should tell him this–that his willingness to make progress on this, starting today, is absolutely necessary for us to have a chance at a future together.

    Anybody want to talk me off the ledge? Alternatively, any good strategies for making this process move forward generatively and constructively?

    1. So I have to think that the rudeness is the depression talking. While it is tempting to throw down a gauntlet, perhaps that will just compound his feelings of being overwhelmed and paralyze him even more. How about you strike a deal with him? He goes to this afternoon’s session. He only has stay for 15 minutes or stays for the whole time but doesn’t have to talk, etc. Just getting him through the door may be the biggest challenge – it’s like working out on a day you really aren’t feeling it. But, once he gets in there, he may decide to stay.

      1. I agree with this, but I also agree with Senior Attorney. The thing that finally got my husband into therapy was when I broke down crying and told him how hard it was on me. The depression had made him so inwardly focused that it had never occurred to him what it was doing to me. He never realized how important it was to our relationship that he go, since he had always thought he was the only one suffering.

        1. Anon, I am so glad that you and your husband were able to move forward–thank you for sharing.

          Unfortunately, my partner is very aware of how I feel–he’s been very explicit about telling me that he knows I am upset but that he simply can’t muster the energy to care.

          1. Gah. I’m so, so sorry.

            Sounds like it’s time to make an exit plan.

            BIG HUGS.

            Mental illness is just awful, no matter where you are in the cast of characters.

    2. Mascot’s advice sounds great. Also, the “I am not in a place to work on this”- that is precisely why he needs to go to therapy- because of the very fact that his mind is not “in the right place” and you’re trying to help him get to that ‘better place’. Maybe that logic will help.

    3. I not only don’t want to talk you off the ledge, I want to encourage you to set that boundary. By all means, tell him that working on this issue is a requirement for being in a relationship with you. Tell him you love him and you hate to see him suffer, but you are not willing to go down with him and if he is not willing to take steps to help himself, starting today, you are out.

      But then, of course, you have to follow through. And that’s the hard part.

      1. You said it, sisterfriend. Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

      2. 1000% agree with Senior Attorney.

        Your husband needs to be made to understand the impact not just on him, but on you, and on your relationship. Being ill does not exempt him from his responsibility to be a good husband and partner.

    4. I don’t think there is anything wrong with explicitly telling your partner that it is very important to you, and to your relationship, for him to “work on this” right now. Making your wants and needs a part of the relationship isn’t in any way “going out on the ledge”, it is a necessary part of a relationship, and if your partner can’t at least make the minimal effort of showing up then he’s not much of a partner.

    5. You could go to the first session without him and get tips from the therapist on how to help get him in. Maybe once he sees that you are going forth without him and not just dropping it he will change his tune. I also like the idea of saying that you need him to do this for you, not for him, and just being there, without speaking, is enough for you.

      1. I think going alone is a great idea. And maybe delay your ultimatum just long enough to use the therapy time to plan how to confront your partner, and make a plan to leave if necessary.

    6. I would go anywayeven if I go alone. The counselor, particularly given his/her past experience with SO, may have some suggestions on ways to help SO even if he doesn’t come to appointments, may have suggestions on how to get him to appointments, or may gather information which could allow therapist to have a telephone discussion with SO about therapy. I don’t think you want to make this first appointment the hill you die on. You also make clear to SO that this is not an issue which will be swept under the rug-it has to be dealt with, and in the near future, not long term. Best of luck.

    7. Absolutely tell him this. And tell him that if he can’t discuss this without being rude to you, that’s a clear sign you both need help.

    8. “Well, [partner], it’s very important to me to go. I’ll be there. I hope you join me. I understand that this is hard and I hope to support you through this.” Your partner knows deep down that this is important to you; your partner wants to get better but the depression is getting in the way. I am usually far too gentle but I think being gentle is a good way to deal with this. Everyone’s suggestions so far are great, but if there’s anything you can say to take the focus from “fixing YOUR depression” to “fixing OUR situation,” that might help. As someone who’s been depressed, I hate hate hate feeling like I’m the problem (even when it’s true).

      1. Thanks for this, preg 3L. I have been trying to be very careful to make it an “us” issue rather than a “you” issue, but he is definitely being very prickly and defensive, trying to cast me as thinking that I’m perfect and need to fix him.

        On the one hand, I certainly don’t think I’m perfect, and I certainly don’t think that *I’m* going to be able to contribute much besides support–that’s why I called the counselor. On the other hand . . . his depression *is* the problem, and his unwillingness to do anything about that–even if that’s an unwillingness that stems primarily from depression–is compounding the problem. I realize that this is not a good approach to someone dealing with a mental health issue, but part of me really just wants him to pull up his socks and actually TRY.

        Sigh. Thank you for letting me vent. Please, ladies, keep the good insights and cautionary tales coming. You’re a very inspirational bunch.

        1. Now upon reading that he’s trying to deflect and blame you, I just shake my head.

          That’s just unacceptable. Being depressed doesn’t make someone an a-hole who won’t accept responsibility for his actions and their consequences.

          Methinks it’s part of his personality that would be there even if he wasn’t depressed.

          Make your exit / escape plan. He sounds like he’s not much of a partner.

          1. Thanks, Ugh. (And you’re right–ugh.)

            The whole situation reminds me of that nursery rhyme about the little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead: when everything with us is good, it is very very good, but when it is bad–like now!–it is horrid.

    9. After 6 years, I just left a relationship with a depressive partner. It was so.much.work. Many therapy appoints/couples counseling/encouraging him to go on his own, etc. Our whole relationship eventually became about managing his moods and his depression. After a while, he wasn’t capable of ever being there for me. I loved him, and it took me a long time to get to a place where I felt like it was okay to leave him. I am so much happier now and frankly, wish I’d left a long time ago. I’m sharing just to encourage you to think about that option. Best of luck to you – it’s really hard when you love him.

      1. Thanks, Anon. I think I am beginning to know how you must have felt, down to feeling as though it would be not okay to even consider leaving him. (Like it is a betrayal of my love and support for him, like it is a betrayal of my inherent stick-to-it-iveness, like I don’t see how he’ll ever build a healthy life for himself if I leave . . . )

        But don’t worry: I’m considering it. I really appreciate your comments and those of Senior Attorney above.

        1. That is exactly how I felt, including “I wouldn’t leave someone with cancer/some other serious illness, how is this different” & I put everything I had into the relationship. It is so hard. I send you all the internet hugs and support in the world.

        2. I have twice devoted way too many years to marriages to men who were just. not. capable. of being the partner I needed and wanted. And like you, I thought it was a horrible failure/betrayal on my part to even consider leaving.

          And you know what? Husband No. 1 didn’t do one single bit worse without me than he did with me, and honestly I think it was a relief to him to have me and the relationship off his plate.

          Husband No. 2 cut off all contact (after 16 years) the minute I walked out the door seven months ago, thereby confirming my hypothesis that the minute I stopped trying to make things work, everything would come to a grinding halt. Last I heard he had changed the locks on the (my!) house and was already on match.com, looking for somebody new to take care of him.

          All of which is to say you need to look out for you precious self.

          1. I’m going to go one further.

            Even if they were worse off after you left, they brought that on themselves by being crappy to you. I just don’t see anyone being entitled to unlimited support from a spouse when she or he is unwilling to give the same.

          3. Senior Attorney and ADS, I wish I’d read your comments many years ago. It’d have saved me some grief from a past relationship. Well, I’m older, sadder, and definitely wiser now.

    10. This is no different than any other health issue. I mean, imagine the conversation were this, instead:

      You: Hey, Partner, I notice there’s a giant mole on your back. You can’t see it, because it’s in your blind spot on your back, but I can, so I made you a doctor’s appointment to get it checked out.
      Partner: No, I don’t really feel like I’m in a good place to deal with a mole right now, and I’m just not going, so eff that stupid appointment and eff you.

      Ummmm, what? Unacceptable. There’s nothing wrong with expecting a partner to attend to health issues, and laying down the law (within reason) when they don’t.

      1. Yes! That is what I do imagine! And I’m crazy frustrated and upset.

        I think part of the problem is that I really don’t have any understanding of what it’s like to navigate a mental illness–honestly, the first thing that made me say, “Hmm, maybe this is actually a problem instead of just general moodiness/stress” was reading Hyperbole and a Half’s post about depression. So I do think of it as a general issue of health and well-being, but if one of the symptoms of the illness is that it makes one unable/unwilling to deal with issues of health and well-being, it feels like an impasse. Is the depression at fault? Is he at fault? Is everything just stuck, possibly forever?

        (I know that questions of “fault” are not really healthy here, but I need that brightline so that I can keep reminding myself, “It’s okay, that’s the depression talking.” That is currently a better inner monologue than “Wow, what a lazy, immature jacka$$.”)

    11. You’ve gotten a lot of advice here in different directions and opinions. I can offer my own experience: my husband has bipolar disorder and has suffered through multiple episodes of severe clinical depression. One of the most important things that makes our relationship work is that he is an active participant in his care. However, what I don’t read reflected in some of the other comments posted here is an understanding that depression is not a rational disease. And in these conversations with him, when he’s rude and unkind to you, you’re not dealing with the person you love – that’s the disease talking. So my advice to you is not to lay down any ultimatums at this point, because he’s not necessarily going to be able to respond to a rational request in a rational manner. Help your partner get the care he needs so that he can recover. Be honest with him throughout, about how you’re feeling and how his condition is affecting you. You can certainly do this without risking an end to your relationship. Good luck to you and please check in again often with updates.

      1. Famouscait, thank you for this–I appreciate you sharing your experience.

        Could you say more about how your husband has managed to be such an active participant in his care (great phrase) despite the burdens of bipolar disorder and depression? Are there strategies that have particularly worked for him?

        1. I think one way “being an active participant in your care” manifests in depression, is to put the safeguards in place so that there is more than one person (your spouse) to rescue you from a spiral out of control. With depression, you can recognize the cruel behaviors as “bad brain” and remember that your spouse is constantly battling between “good brain” and “bad brain.” Just like you wouldn’t fault him for symptoms of liver disease, try not to fault him for the symptoms of this brain disease. That being said, he needs to be able to say, “hey this is liver disease, I need to get help.” For me, some days are easier than others. On good days, I make the phone calls to therapists and set up appointments. It’s really hard to follow through and actually _go_, but I try to think that it’s worth making my partner happy by going, and it usually helps. I hope this helps.

        2. I think he manages to be an active participant due to conversations we’ve had when he’s well, which may be counter-intuitive for you. As I said above, depression isn’t rational and you’re not dealing with the person you love at that point, so having hard conversations in the middle of an episode is a recipe for disaster and heart-break. We’ve never really had to have a black and white “you-do-this-or-I’ll-do-this” conversation because our priorities are aligned: he wants to be healthy and happy. I want that as well, for him and me and us together.

          Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m not carrying 200% of the load when he’s really sick; I most certainly am. But whether I’m explaining to him why is important to shower every day or get out of bed or go to his appointments, it’s all the same. Depression robs him of the desire and the will to do *anything*. So I have to remind, and prod, and cajole and sometimes, almost force. And it is crazy frustrating and it’s the most self-centered disease imaginable, and I usually never even recognize this guy who’s living in my house, blah blah blah.

          BUT: I had a clear view of who my husband was before depression or bipolar was ever an issue, and maybe that’s the key. If I’d met him in the middle of an episode I certainly wouldn’t have given him the time of day because I too need someone who’s willing to “pull up his socks and actually TRY.” But I know he is that person and I see it as my job to help him find his way back to that. Hope this has helped. It’s a tough road, in all respects.

          1. This *does* help! We have had some conversations when he is feeling more like himself, and when those happen, he does agree that this is a problem and that it needs to be addressed. (We actually just had one a few days ago after I made this appointment.) It just seems as though there is a lot of backsliding when the depression strikes again. I think I’m clinging to today’s appointment in hopes that the first session might provide him with some momentum, or at least some accountability about his mental health to someone besides me (ie, the counselor).

            Also, Famouscait: you sound like a terrific partner. I really hope that your husband tells you how rad you are.

          3. @anonosaurus, it sounds like you need the support of a team of professionals managing your husband’s illness as much as he does. It’s so important to have doctors/therapists/friends helping both of you keep your head up throughout the tough parts of the illness. You are 1000% right so it sounds like he needs to step up. Good luck!

    12. I don’t want to talk you off the ledge either and think that you should go alone if he refuses to go. But having been depressed in the past, I can say that you’ve done the hard part for him. You’ve made the appointment and I presume you are driving him there. At that point it is plenty fair to say “How do you plan to get in a place to deal with this? Because I either need a specific plan or I need you to attend therapy with me today.”

      Definitely don’t let yourself get tied down with thoughts that he won’t get better if you leave. Because that’s not true. In some ways it’s like dealing with an alcoholic-he isn’t going to get better until he decides getting better is a priority. Sure it helps to have someone there to do the heavy lifting (finding a therapist, making an appointment, helping him make sure to take his meds as directed and follow other advice of his therapist/doctor), but if he won’t hold up his end of the bargain (attending the appointment YOU made to benefit him that YOU are taking him to) don’t let yourself get dragged down with him.

    13. I’m not sure if you are still checking this thread but I wanted to add one thing I learned the hard way dealing with a friend with mental health issues. You can’t force someone to live the way you want them to live. People will not get the help they need until they are ready to help themselves. Sometimes you can help them become ready to help themselves, sometimes you can’t. Sometimes the best you can do is keep them safe and loved until they reach the point where they say “I do want to get better and I am ready to tackle this.” When someone is at the point that they can barely get themselves food or dressed and just sleep all day long leaving the house to talk to someone about “what is wrong with them” sounds as crazy as me asking you to go run 26 miles today with no training. I think the fact that he let you make the first appointment is a really good sign. He probably freaked out today and realized he couldn’t do this yet. If this is the first cancelled appointment, this may be normal.

      1. Thank you, Blonde Lawyer. That’s another helpful perspective.

        I guess the question for me is that I’m not sure how long I am willing to keep a grown-up safe and loved if he seems to have no interest in whether or not he is either of those things. And that’s just my issue to work out. Meh.

    15. Depressed people do not get better – they manage the depression better. It is no different than managing any other illness. The person is the one who has to make the first through x steps to get to a point of healthy functioning. And yes, depressed people who put in the work can beat depression into submission and actively/subconsciously keep it there.

      That you are getting this attitude and push back does not speak well to the future of your relationship. I am not saying bail out because the going is a little tough right now, but to please carefully weigh whether you want to live like this over the long-term or not.

    16. Better late than never? I wanted to put in a plug for NAMI / the National Alliance on Mental Illness / www (dot) nami (dot) org. They have pamphlets, workshops, family-to-family training, and support groups for people with mental illness and the people who love them and/or live with them. NAMI has local branches in many states. For local branches check the national web site at the address above.If interpersonal interaction isn’t your thing, you may still find useful information on the national and local branch web pages.

      More to the point, hugs and encouragement. It’s not easy to live with someone who is living with depression (understatement).

  19. Irritating coworker vent / advice request:

    I have a coworker (same professional level as me, slightly senior in terms of years) who is pretty socially awkward. She’s an oversharer, likes to express her opinions in the strongest way possible, doesn’t defer to authority in any visible way, and can be really obsessive about things that are inconsequential or ridiculous.

    For instance, she and her bf went to a private club this summer for a black tie event, and she spent weeks bringing in clothing for the entire office to consider since she wasn’t sure what to wear. If there is an eyelash stuck to the side of your face, she’s liable to offer a blow-by-blow about how hey, there is a darker skin patch right there, did you make a mistake using concealer, up close I don’t think your eyeliner is even, etc., etc.?

    She bothers me on good days. But thing that bothers me, A LOT, is that she wants to be fashion police to me.

    It’s a business/business casual professional office, so I do dress up for work, along with everybody else. Coworker is always right on the edge of being inappropriately dressed – the same pair of shabby cracked shoes every day, ancient pants and shirts, visibly stretched out sports bras peeking out from her collared shirts, unkempt hair, etc. In contrast, I put on some light makeup, wear relatively nice clothing, match most days, cut my hair more than once per decade, and shine my shoes. I’m not going to make The Sartorialist anytime in the forseeable future, but I’m also not a candidate for What Not To Wear.

    Today, I’m wearing a black cotton sweater from Target, an orange Missoni pencil skirt (hey, it’s Halloween), black knee-high boots, funky glasses, and a string of black pearls. I *was* wearing a green patent leather belt.

    Mid-morning, she bursts into my office and asks me if I’m married to the belt I’m wearing because, “it only looks right when you sit down.” Seriously, who says that? I was pretty cold to her about it, but actually took off the belt because I think she might be a little right. I thought it looked OK at 7am, but sometimes I do take a trend a little too far.

    It’s getting really hard not to snap back at her that I don’t say anything about her horrible clothing, so could she please STFU?

    I want to deal with this myself, not through a supervisor or through HR. Some of this a little bit about values -she’ll spend thousands on her pets but thinks any article of clothing that costs more than $20 is too expensive. I disagree.

    What to do?

    1. Well, I’m pretty direct, but I’d look her in the eye and say, “Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll keep that in mind next time I wear this outfit.” If she’s being rude in other contexts, say, “[Name], let’s just call it an eyelash and move on.” etc., etc. The fact that you don’t comment on her outfit just shows you have tact and manners…the reciprocal nature is not completely relevant, but I am sure it grates. Also, I know this is hard, but when _every_little_thing_a colleague does is bothering me, I try to take an “emotional energy” vacation. That is to say, I consciously decide that this person is an emotional energy leech and I am just going to let whatever he or she does “roll off me”. It doesn’t always work, but it does help keep me from going from zero to flaming mad if I stop to think.

      1. This is fantastic advice (and your coworker sounds horrible).

        I also like the suggestion from thissite to view unwanted behavior from an anthropological perspective and think to yourself, “ah, how interesting, the coworker is becoming very invested in this article of clothing” as though you are new to planet earth. This viewpoint (feeling like an anthropologist or zookeeper) helps me stay detached from extremely annoying people, when necessary.

      2. I disagree – you’re not grateful for the suggestion, and you’re not planning to keep it in mind, so don’t tell her you are. Instead, say “Actually, I like my belt.” Then change the subject or leave. If she keeps it up, say “I prefer to keep the focus on work, not my attire” or “You are commenting so often on my clothing and appearance that it makes me uncomfortable – lets keep the conversation focused on work.”

        To keep these responses from coming across as rude, just say them in a friendly tone with a smile.

        1. Gah! You’re so right about keeping the conversation focused on work. I have a coworker who is a “picker” like that. She irritates me already but when she interrupts a conversation about something important to straighten my necklace, my head explodes.

        3. You know, if a man did this to you, it would border on sexual harassment. Just something to think about.

    2. It sounds like she’s rude but not really malicious, and possibly even well-intentioned, so maybe you could just tell her directly that it makes you uncomfortable/self-conscious when she comments on your appearance/clothing/makeup, and you’d rather she just not say anything, even if she notices something slightly off, unless it’s egregious like skirt tucked into stockings or something. She might just not be aware of the line, and doesn’t pick up the non-verbal signals that you are sending. If that doesn’t work, then try to just ignore/disengage.

    3. People like this do not get subtle hints. I agree with the suggestion to be direct. “Coworker, I appreciate your interest in my attire but unless there is a gaping hole somewhere resulting in an unprofessional amount of undergarments/skin showing, let’s not talk about my clothes in the office. Thanks. Moving back to ABC project….”

    5. I can see how this is annoying behavior, but I actually read it as kind of endearing in a sad but sweet way. It sounds like she has zero fashion wits but that she wants to engage in conversation with you because you are so well put together. Maybe she is just trying to start a conversation and thinks talking about clothes is good common ground? That would probably explain why she brought her clothes TO the office for people to help her decide — i.e. she doesn’t have girlfriends to do it with in her personal time. Maybe, too, and unfortunately so, she thinks that the only way for women to communicate is by being catty. (You did say she was socially awkward.)

  20. Has anyone been to an AHLA conference and if so, can you advise on dress? I’m going to the Fundamentals of Health Law in Chicago this weekend and I’m hoping business casual is fine. I’m planning to wear a textured blazer (this one: http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=26500&vid=1&pid=560642002) with a shell and skirt, a wool suiting dress from Pendleton with a good cardigan, and a gray sheath dress that I could wear with a jacket but I would prefer a cardigan. Does that all sound ok?

    This will be my first professional conference as an attorney; I attended some in my (much less conservative) field before law school but they were pretty informal. Do people bring their laptops to the sessions to take notes? I would have thought no, but I thought that about my first CLE and was in the minority there with my notepad while most others were clicking away. Thanks in advance!

    1. You’ll see a variety of outfits at the AHLA conferences. Many will trend towards business casual. There will be some people in suits, but I feel like that is just because they wear suits all the time. In the last day afternoon sessions, at least at my AHLA conference, people definitely trended towards more casual since they were leaving for the airport or train or whatever. I took my ipad with a keyboard cover and it was perfect. Plenty of other people had laptops. AHLA has the materials available electronically and it was nice to be able to pull up the most recent version. I also ordered the binders for our office library. There should be a vendor at the conference who will pack them up and ship them back for you so you don’t have to travel with them. Enjoy the conference. A lot of people in our office have been the fundamentals conference and the reports have been positive.
      If they offer the networking dinners, sign up. I went with some ladies who were super senior/experienced govt lawyers and they were openly excited to get to know others in the organization. Go to the happy hours, go to the hotel bar post drinks, the lunches, etc It was a great opportunity for me to meet other attorneys, especially since I didn’t really know anyone there. I think that the lawyers in that organization are a collegial bunch and everyone really likes their area of expertise.

      1. Thank you! This is all really helpful information. Sounds like my outfit choices will be fine, and I’ll plan to bring my MacBook Air. I hadn’t thought about pulling up the electronic materials but I’d like to have that option.

        I also won’t know anyone there and I was feeling pretty anxious about the networking receptions and dinner. I’m glad to hear you had a good experience–I’ll try to remember that when I’m about to flake out and hide in my hotel room. Thanks again for your help!

    2. Sounds great! I’m going and planning on wearing clothes at about the same level of formality–perhaps a little more casual. That is, if the cold weather, pregnancy, and the fact that few people from my region are going don’t convince me to wear jeans and a nice shirt.

      1. How far along are you? More casual is definitely allowed during pregnancy! And here’s hoping the weather isn’t too bad–this will also be my first visit to Chicago so I’m hoping to get out a bit during our limited free time.

  21. Semi-regularly poster, anon for this so it won’t out my firm. I have been making the max contributions to my 401(k), having made a selection of “moderately aggressive” investments 4 years ago and not touching it since then. It’s had varied success – some quarters with larger returns than others. My firm’s 401(k) partner is now offering what they call a “professional account manager” to select the funds for a small fee – it’s $5 per month for each $10,000 in your account. I estimate this to be roughly $500 a year for me.

    My question to you wise ladies: Is a service like this worth it? I’m assuming that this program could increase my 401(k) returns by far more than $500 a year, but by how much? And is that the wrong assumption?

    Anyone use a service like this? Yay or nay?

    1. That seems like a pretty high fee, particularly as you are already paying fees to fund managers. I wouldn’t do it, personally. If your plan allows you to invest in whatever you want (individual companies, properties, private equity), then I’d say a better option would be to have your personal financial advisor, with the overall picture of your portfolio, assist with your selections. That or just put it all in a target fund or make the selections yourself.

    2. 401Ks grow based on the power of compounding. Fees eat into the compounding.

      What is being described here sounds like “active management” by a fee-based financial advisor. These types typically underperform the index (no active management.) And get beaten soundly by the monkey with the dartboard over time.

      If you’re curious to learn more about this topic, read Malkiel’s Random Walk on Wall Street.
      A number of personal finance blogs (Suze Orman, Motley Fool, and others) concur generally.

      Is this advisor someone who’s buddy-buddy with the partner and the partner is scratching his back by sending business his way?

    3. I think whether this is a good idea for you depends on the details. Will the account manager speak with you about your goals for retirement and your risk tolerance? Will s/he field questions from you about the funds s/he selects? Or will s/he choose a stable of funds for everyone in the firm, or everyone based on age, and that’s it? If it’s the latter, this sounds like a bad idea.

      I’d also ask how the person chooses funds – does s/he get a commission from any of them, or is s/he fee-only (that is, the fee you’re paying him/her)? If the person is anything other than fee-only, I would stay away.

      However, if the person is a fee-only investment advisor who will work with you to plan for your specific retirement, then this sounds like a good price.

      1. Also, I agree with Ugh that whether the advisor generally uses active or passive management is another necessary question to ask.

    4. I don’t use a service like this, but I don’t think it’s safe to assume the service would increase your return at all given that you’re already invested in “moderately aggressive” investments. I guess it could be useful if this service helps you routinely rebalance your investments or tracks whether fees on the funds you’ve picked jump up, but it doesn’t sound like it’s worth it. The fee would amount to a little over a half of a percent of your account balance per year – that’s not insignificant.

    5. No freaking way. But I am a fee watcher. If they go after aggressive investments know they are are fee generators. So in addition to the management fee, count on the account manager to churn investments — that may or may not earn you a higher return — but sure and heck will earn them fees. (Former investment firm escapee.)

    6. If you are relatively financially literate (i.e. you understand basic concepts such as diversification, the difference between the types of stocks in small-cap vs. large-cap funds, etc.), I would say this is a waste of money. I assume that if you are in “moderately aggressive” funds you are still relatively young. You are going to have varied success over the years, not necessarily because you didn’t “pick” well, but because the stock markets are volatile. The reason for picking more aggressive funds when you still have quite a few years before retirement is that they will have higher returns during the good years, which will hopefully offset the poor returns during bad years.

      However, if you feel like you need a little more education on how to balance your portfolio you could hire them to help you for a month or two and have them explain why they are recommending certain funds and then use that information to do it yourself in the future.

      1. I was financially oblivious for many years after I finished university. After I finally became sort of established, I opened a Merrill Lynch account with an FA. This FA was very nice. She sent me a box of chocolates every year around Christmas.

        And ya know what? She and her team lost me money 3 years out of 4. If I’d put everything in several of the Vanguard index funds available to me then, I would have had gains. I can buy my own darn chocolates.

  22. Clothing help! I have a blouse that gapes slightly between [totally unnecessary] buttons, so this morning I used some fashion tape to keep it together. However, I keep looking down and noticing that my fashion tape is totally visible, which I think looks worse than the gap. So do you ladies have any emergency fixes for a blouse gap if fashion tape doesn’t seem to be strong enough? Also, what about a more permanent fix — if I don’t use the buttons at all (slide the shirt over my head), do you recommend having a tailor sew the gaps shut?

    1. Go to a reputable tailor in your area, they can install a discreet snap to cover the gape.

    2. Sew it shut if you don’t need to use the buttons. Add a button if you do.

      For a quick fix, I use a safety pin! It’s thinner than fashion tape and with most blouses there’s a hem where the buttons are, so the metal of the safety pin doesn’t show.

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