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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 137 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Single Breasted Hooded Trench Coat

Coffee Break |

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Steve Madden Single Breasted Hooded Trench CoatIt's finally starting to feel like spring, including warmer temperatures — but not so warm you can't go out without a coat. I've always like a bright rain coat for the days when I'm not wearing a blazer; this happy yellow one from Steve Madden looks great. (Personally I hate the double-breasted trench, but if you prefer that look, check here or here.) The pictured one is $98 at Nordstrom. Steve Madden Single Breasted Hooded Trench Coat Here's a plus-size version. (L-4)

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Comments

  1. anon6

    I am looking for two challenging items: a romper (shorts, not a jumpsuit) and a one-piece bathing suit. The trouble is that I am a little taller than average – 5’8″. That’s not that tall, but those items are both made or broken based on a matter of mere centimeters. Anyone have suggestions for either that would fit a slightly taller than average person? I would rather not pay more than about $150 for either, but I probably would if it really struck me.

      • Scarlett

        I’m taller than you & the JCrew tall suits were crazy long/tall on me. Check out Melissa Odabash suits – just google, the line is sold in a few places. Really nice material/great fitting suits and cool one and two pieces. They’re expensive, but totally worth it.

      • Msj

        J crew has some flattering long torso one pieces. By far the most flattering option I found for my new post partum shape.

    • L2fly

      I’m 5’10” and have found cute tall tankinis at Athleta. They have tall one pieces as well, but I would really consider a tankini. Tankinis are great because you get the coverage of a one piece, the length doesn’t have to be so precise, and they are much more convenient for bathroom breaks! Lands End also has tall swim suits, I believe.

    • BCB

      I’m 5’7″ (although flat chested) and I love JCrew swimsuits and find them more than long enough for me.

    • mascot

      I took a one day seminar on brief writing. It was pretty interesting and he is an engaging speaker. I don’t do litigation anymore so I haven’t really used what I learned any time recently.

    • Emma

      I haven’t, but I’ve read a lot of his stuff and found it useful.

      I did take a class with Ross Guberman, who’s another legal writing “Pro,” and it was very, very, very useful. I would bet that Brian Garner would be the same.

    • Maddie Ross

      I did and I did find it useful. It was more helpful to me than the writing classes my first year of law school. He’s very to the point and an entertaining (though highly conceited) speaker.

    • SFAttorney

      Bryan Garner is great. I’ve taken at least three classes from him, spread out over a number of years. I daily use what he taught.

    • Pippit

      I have not found his class helpful. It focuses largely on how wonderful he is, and I did not find it provided me with tools to improve my writing.

      • Anon

        Absolutely agree.

        Also, he is all about following the grammar rules for clarity, something I also absolutely agree with. Unless he disagrees with them. Just more of his vanity. He also gave a lecture to my state agency, advising us to do certain things that violated the court rules. I’m sure we paid him a fortune; he couldn’t spend twenty minutes reading the rules to make sure he wasn’t advising us to violate them?

      • anon a mouse

        The teachings are useful, but you have to endure an awful lot of arrogance to learn anything.

    • anon for this one

      I work in Attorney Development and hire instructors on a regular basis for an AmLaw 50 firm. Bryan Garner is a blowhard and arrogant. His seminars are grossly overpriced. Ross Guberman and Ben Opipari (Persuasive Matters) are great options. Both are younger and more relatable. I can always tell someone’s age/vintage when they suggest Bryan Garner.

  3. Sydney Bristow

    Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping for me?

    I’d love to find a Kelly green (or emerald) purse, small to medium sized, and with a shoulder strap. I like clean lines and not too much detail on purses. Ideally under $50-75.

    • Mpls

      +1 I have terrible luck with double-breasted trenches, but love the single-breasted one I got at BR ages ago.

      • AIMS

        Speaking of trenches, the Mac Rainy Day coats are on super sale (under a $100 for some), with an extra 15% off, at Boden. I know there are fans of those coats on this s*te so wanted to share. Only random sizes left, obviously.

    • la vie en bleu

      My mom just sent me a London Fog hooded trench that she says is too small for her. It’s just black, though, I would really love to have a happy color trench at some point! But it was free and it arrived just in time for the rain this morning. (also, yay for rain in SF!)

      • Carrie...

        Oh, but what a great staple…. especially, living in SF! You have a great Mom….

        • la vie en bleu

          I know, it’s really awesome. My hooded jacket is really heavy and I was thinking I wanted a new one, and then this showed up. It is so much lighter and better quality. She’s the best.

    • Mom-to-be

      I love this trench too! Any maternity options? I’d love a maternity bright trench for spring!

  5. KP

    (Repost from a late TPS post for some more responses) I may have an opportunity to get my dream job (well I think it is my dream job), for a lot less money than I currently make (biglaw currently), and I’d have to move across the country to do it (no official offer yet but let’s assume its a done deal for the purposes of this post). What would you ladies do? All my friends/family are here, but my DH (upon initial conversations) is willing to go. I don’t have children (yet) and would probably want to come back to my coast before that would happen so I could be near to my family. Is it crazy to uproot myself from where I want to be down the road? I’ve been looking for local jobs and not having luck with my search. It might open doors for me to come back some day, but is it crazy? Is the money cut and the location too much? What do you all think about the trade off? Would you do it?
    **Additional info: Salary cut would be okay for QOL for where I want to go, but I worry it may undercut future salary negotiations. I don’t love where the new location is but I recognize that for my industry it is the place I should be and I could stay for 2-3 years. The main reason I would go and take this would be to open doors back home some time in the future since it can be a hard industry to break into.

    • Anon

      I just posted on the other one, just noting that I’ve seen these abbreviated jobs turn into permanent homes, so make sure you’d be OK with staying in that area permanently.

      Edited to add: when I had this opportunity, I didn’t take it. I wanted to be rooted in my home community.

      • Pretty Primadonna

        I have seen this happen, too, particularly in terms of taking a pay cut for a certain job to get specific experience and then finding it more difficult to move on than planned. Also, is it really your “dream job” if it’s in a location where you don’t want to live for more than 2-3 years? If I were you, I’d consider if I could live with the new job if it became more permanent than temporary.

        • Anon

          Sometimes, but to Pretty Primadonna’s point, it wasn’t my dream job since it didn’t fit into my life plans.

    • Anonymous

      No don’t do it. You want to move back to where you are in a few years? Dumb to leave that place now.

    • Anonski

      Don’t do it. I moved for a job, from my home state where all my friends, family, and heart was and now I regret it. I can’t wait to get back, and here I am where it’s been another year here since nothing job-wise has come up in my home state.

    • January

      Once you move to a place and begin establishing professional connections there, it is very hard to go someplace else. I think this is especially true in law, though it’s not clear from your question if you want to stay in law. I would think long and hard about whether you’d be okay ending up in the place where the
      “dream job” is because, as others have said, if it’s not where you want to settle down, it won’t be right for you.

    • Monte

      I really think it depends on the specifics of the job and how easily you can transition back to your current location. I left biglaw, took at 60% pay cut, and moved across the country to a city where I didn’t know anyone in order to take my dream job. For me, though, the new location is part of what made it a dream job — and the knowledge that I didn’t want to move back to my original location (even though I absolutely could after taking the dream job).

      I don’t intend to stay in the new city forever, but if I did, I could be happy. If the possibility of staying in the new city for more than 3 years is unpleasant for you, don’t do it. If being away from your friends and family is unworkable for you, don’t do it — that isn’t an issue for me, because my family is spread out and I make friends easily. I don’t think it is crazy to contemplate it, but it depends on how wedded you and your husband are to returning to your current area and whether the dream job will translate.

  6. S in Chicago

    Kat mentions days when you are not wearing blazers. That’s my challenge. Trenchs that look good are always more fitted in the shoulders and arms. What do you all wear when you need more room over a suit? Or do you just order too big?

    • Zelda

      I have some trenches that work better on their own and some that work better over blazers. The blazer versions are probably about a half size too big.

    • Wildkitten

      I pull a Mr. Rogers and leave my blazers at work – switching to a sweater and trench when I head out in to the weather world.

    • Bonnie

      My trench is a size larger than I need to accommodate blazers. On casual days, I wear a sporty rain coat.

    • NYNY

      I’ve never had the problem of trenches not fitting over a blazer, but I’m pear-shaped enough that I have to shop for my lower half.

  7. ANP

    Looking to get a b-day gift for my husband and am seriously considering bluetooth headphones — he runs with his iPhone on an arm strap and hates the headphone-cord tangle. Any recommendations from the hive? Bonus points for something available on Amazon. Thanks gang!

    • JJ

      I use Plantronic Backbeat bluetooth headphones for working out. I’ve had them about 5 months now, work out 5-6 days a week – either running or lifting. I sweat. A LOT. These have been awesome. They stay put in my ears and don’t hurt at all. The bluetooth connection is very strong (I bought a cheaper pair at first, but the bluetooth connection would drop all the time and drove me crazy). I charge them about once a week – so the battery life is pretty good.

      ETA: when I bought them, they were on Amazon Prime.

  8. A Hypocrite

    I am a frequent reader & very infrequent commenter. I find this group to collectively give some very good advice. You all have indirectly helped over the years in big ways (discussing professional advancement, salary negotiation, etc.) and small (styling tips & sale alerts). I am in need of some more specific help.

    My long-term relationship came to crashing halt yesterday – completely out of the blue. He confessed to cheating throughout the duration of the relationship. To make things even worse, I was the other woman. I absolutely hate myself right now. I know there is some other woman just a couple miles away from me hurting just as bad, if not worse. I strive to be a feminist and to do things that build-up other women. I volunteer in schools with various programs to empower girls. Now, I’m a hypocritical fraud. I don’t know how I can face these children. I hate that I hurt another person.

    I stayed awake all night re-reading years of emails/texts/etc. and looking for clues and signs. How could I be this stupid? I live in a medium-sized community, and I dread the whispers. I dread people saying, “so how’s X?” I’ve just accepted a new job that I love and I’ve worked hard to get, but do I need to move out of state? Where do I go from here? I am so ashamed.

    • MegB

      First off, please don’t feel ashamed! He’s the one that hurt people, including you. Be mad! You shouldn’t have to move either. Hold your head up high and try and be strong. This was not your fault. Hugs!

    • Wildkitten

      I’ve been there. You’re not stupid – he’s a jerk. Give yourself time to mourn the man he turned out not to be, and consider therapy if you still feel this way later – in weeks or months. You don’t have to tell people the whole story – just tell them the relationship is over and they should respond appropriately and be supportive of you in this rough time.

      • Wildkitten

        And my reaction for a long time was to think that I was stupid and had missed something. So I completely understand that for now it just sucks, hard. It gets better.

        Also, instead of moving what if you get highlights or get a new purse for your new job, or something that will signify for you that this is a new beginning in your life? Take a foreign language class or learn to ride horses?

      • Ellen

        I agree with Wild Kitten. Men can be such jerk’s. The first thing I would do is to get STD tested, b/c if you were the other woman, there probabley were other’s also. Men who cheat generaly like to stick their winkies into many different women — kind of like trying on diferent pair’s of sock’s to see which best fit.

        I know all this b/c Dad often talks of the women behind the IRON curtain that he had sex with and how they were different “nuts to his bolt” FOOEY b/c I would NOT want a bolt in me that had been tryeing on other nut’s. FOOEY!

        Hopefuly you are STD free, but if not, you can blame it on him and HIS winkie, and I think you can even make him pay for your medical on the ground’s of frauduelent concealment (which is like fraud in the factum).

        Once you are STD free, then make sure to check carfully any new boyfreinds to see b/f you sleep with any of them where THEIR winkie’s have been. Once you are over 30, you have to expect that those winkie’s have seen alot of action (or in dad’s word’s, those bolt’s have been inside alot of nuts—FOOEY). The men should show you that they are STD free b/f you let them into your bed.

        In any event, hugs, and know that most men are like him. Alway’s interested in huffeing and puffeing on top of you, but NEVER interested enough to care about YOUR need’s! TRIPEL FOOEY!

    • August

      I am so sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault. Try not to beat yourself up or feel guilty and ashamed. Try to find some support with your trusted friends or family members. I don’t think you should give up your new job and uproot yourself. If you feel so uncomfortable staying there, then move to a different community or a different nearby town even if it means you have a longer commute.

      You have done a good job by posting it here. I am sure the ladies here will advice you better and you will be able to recover from this.

    • CountC

      Many, many hugs to you. You are not at fault here. You did not know that he was cheating on another person with you. It is not a person’s obligation in a relationship to investigate whether the other person is being honest with them. It is on the other person to choose their path – to be moral, ethical, honest, etc. He chose to lie. He chose to cheat. He chose poorly. You did not encourage his cheating. You did not enable his cheating. You did not do anything that should cause you to feel ashamed, belittled, unworthy of being a feminist or proud of who you are or what you have accomplished.

      While I believe it is not anyone’s business why the relationship ended, I think that when you tell people it did (when and if you choose to), you should hold your head high knowing that you did nothing wrong. You were not the bad actor here, he was.

      This is going to hurt for a long time and it is going to be hard to trust again. You will feel guilty and you will have much heartache. However, when these moments come, repeat to yourself that you did not cause him to do anything, he chose that path all on his own.

    • Anon in NYC

      Oh my goodness. Huge hugs! Do not feel ashamed or like you did something wrong here. You had no idea he was involved with someone else or that he was doing any of these things. You are not a hypocrite.

      First things first – you do not need to quit your new job and move out of state. If co-workers ask how your ex is doing simply respond with, “We broke up.” Most people will not press it beyond that. If they do, you should just say that you wanted different things out of life. There is no reason to fuel any sort of rumor mill. As for friends/family, tell them what you want. People will not be whispering about you.

      This is all so new. Please allow yourself to grieve and have a good cry (or several), and take your time to move past this relationship.

    • Zelda

      I was in the same situation, but I was the original girl friend. When I found out he was cheating I felt nothing but sympathy/empathy for the other girlfriend. We were both the victims of a lying cheater and I didn’t blame her at all. There may have been absolutely no clues, or nothing that a reasonably trusting girlfriend would suspect. Some people are just good liars.

      You are not to blame for his actions, and have absolutely no reason to feel hypocritical or guilty. It may take time to work through your feelings of hurt, guilt and betrayal, but you will move on, stronger than ever. Hopefully you have trustworthy friends who you can vent and cry with. You’re allowed to feel hurt. Don’t be afraid to talk through it with a professional, if necessary. If other people ask, just treat it like any other breakup and say “We’re no longer together.” They don’t need any other details.

    • ErinF

      No, no, no! You’re not a hypocrite! You didn’t know. He lied to you. That’s why lying is bad, because it deceives people. If we all knew when people were lying, lying wouldn’t be bad! Lying is bad because liars aren’t always caught and because they hurt people who trust them. Most of the time people don’t lie to us. We go about our days expecting that people are telling us the truth. There was no reason you should have thought he already had someone. Everyone has very good advice here. Mourn the loss of the man you thought existed. Forgive yourself. And let it hurt for awhile.

    • anon

      If you didn’t know, you are NOT AT FAULT. Disabuse yourself right this instant of the notion that you are culpable for his terrible behavior. Do not move.

    • espresso bean

      You did nothing wrong. It’s not your fault. Don’t beat yourself up; just focus on taking care of yourself and moving on. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Hugs.

    • DC Anon

      Having gone through something similar, definitely set yourself with a therapy appointment asap. I’d never been to therapy before and I was a bit skeptical that it would be helpful for me, but it was so great to have a neutral third party where I could just say whatever I wanted to without having to think about the other person’s reaction. The therapist also kept an eye on my mental health and encouraged me to take really good care of myself.

      Also, if you are a renter, it can really help to move to a new apartment/house. Everyone is different, but that was one of the most helpful things for me. Changing my surroundings and daily routine really allowed me to feel like I was starting over and had the added bonus of helping me make some new friends that didn’t know my ex.

      Lastly, be gentle with yourself. My personal mantras were “I am not my feelings” and “what kind of person do I want to be?” Meaning that it’s okay to feel angry or crazy — it doesn’t make you an angry or crazy person. And it gave me a sense of control and purpose to spend some time thinking about the kind of person I wanted to be and then taking active steps towards that.

    • Sacha

      Not your fault. I watched a movie about this just last night — The Other Woman, with Cameron Diaz. It is a throw-away movie, but seriously — I suggest you get some wine and ice cream and watch it. You’ll feel better. It makes the point that the fault lies with the lying cheater. You’re a victim. She’s a victim. Hold your head up high, keep moving toward your goals, and don’t let anyone get the story wrong. You have no reason to protect this jerk.

    • A Hypocrite

      Thank you all for you kind words of support. I cried reading all of your sweet words. But to be honest, I’ve pretty much been a basket case all day. I’m still sick to my stomach about it.

      I keep second-guessing things. I work a lot (and sometimes weird hours because of clients that are overseas), and I never wanted a BF around 24/7. Now, I realize what a perfect target I was. What a sucker!

      I saw a therapist several years ago because of anxiety issues. I’ve connected with her via Skype, and I will continue to for who knows how long. I’ve felt to ashamed to tell my friends, although I know deep down I have many wonderful, supportive ones. Thank you all for being there for me.

      • Jen

        Please don’t feel ashamed. Even the smartest women (and sometimes PARTICULARLY the smartest women) are fooled by skilled liars. That is not your fault! Sending huge hugs!

        • a naan

          I agree with this and everyone else’s comments. This was not your fault. You didn’t know, nor should you have known, that he was cheating. Having once been in a similar situation myself, I am totally sympathetic to the shock you must be feeling. Please make yourself a priority right now! It is so important. And be kind to yourself. And, yes, get yourself tested for STDs when you are ready to deal with that. Ugh. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry it happens to anyone. And again: this was not your fault. You should not have somehow seen it coming.

      • Wildkitten

        You found out yesterday! You’re going to feel like sh*t today! Give yourself a week at least before you expect to feel anything else. That’s how it is for break-ups, even without additional baggage.

        • NavyLawyer

          Stop being so hard on yourself! You are not a hypocrite – being empowered doesn’t mean not having feelings. Being empowered means dealing with them – grieving for an appropriate amount of time, and THEN moving on with your life. I’m so glad you reached out to your therapist. There is nothing to feel ashamed about because you were lied to. Maybe this new job came at just the right time. And to anyone who asks why you broke up, you could say you just weren’t right together. That is definitely the truth!!!

          Sorry meant to reply to AHypocrite, not Wildkitten!

  9. KinCA

    Anyone use ClassPass? It just launched in my city and I’m contemplating whether or not it’s worth the $99/month. I’m a big fan of group exercise classes, but I already have two local studios I’m pretty loyal to.

    • Zelda

      I have it and love it! I’ve posted about it on here (probably more than once) because it has been life changing for me. If you’re into group classes, it gives you so much more options than just one (or two) studios and it’s a much better price than a monthly membership at many of the fancy studios that are included. I started in January and in the last 3 months I have exercised more frequently and consistently than ever before. I love that I can take such a wide variety of classes (barre, spinning, yoga, rowing, etc) and that there’s almost always something fun available when I want to go. Plus, I can use it in other cities when I travel. I pretty much only use ClassPass now, so it may not be worth it if you still want to attend your local studios as well.

      However, you can request that ClassPass add your favorite studios if they’re not already included. They have added a bunch of new places since they started in my city.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to Zelda’s experience. I love it for all the reasons she goes into.

        I’ve also been really impressed with their customer service. They lowered the price to $79 in my city a few months after launch, perhaps because it wasn’t catching on as much as they wanted, and rather than doing the cable company tactic of keeping current members locked in at $99 and offering $79 to new members, they made it effective for everyone and prorated the current month’s fees down to $79. They routinely add new studios and features that are requested on social media (such as lowering the cancellation cutoff from 24 hours to 12), and when they offered a referral promotion they quickly tabulated the rewards and applied them, rather than some companies that make you hunt them down and then claim they don’t see where your friend clicked on your referral link and therefore can’t pay the bonus.

        I’ve read of difficulty getting into the popular classes in NYC, but I’ve not really had that problem in my city other than Flywheel classes. We just got ClassPass toward the end of 2014 so I don’t know if it’s just that there aren’t as many users yet competing for spots, or if the difficulty is an issue unique to NYC.

        I’ve also not experienced at all the “classism” mentioned in last week’s NYT article. I actually usually overhear 2 or 3 other women checking in with CP too, and the studio staff are incredibly welcoming. I’ve been auto-signed up for their e-mail lists but I understand that they need to market somehow and I appreciate that this is a low-pressure form (and I also get updates on weather closings, so the e-mails aren’t all sales-pitch).

    • LAnon

      I really liked it while I had it! I needed to mix up my workout routines and they have a LOT of options in LA. I wound up canceling it because I found some new places that I liked and it wound up making more sense financially to just buy class packages from those places. If you have some studios that you are already paying for and plan to continue, it might wind up being a little pricey. But, if you’re looking for something new or just want to mix things up a bit, I’m very grateful to ClassPass for giving me the flexibility to try out a bunch of stuff!

  10. HR Generalist

    I’m in a conundrum for feelings and need advice.
    I have been with my partner for 3 years, lived together for 2 of those. My partner had a very close friend who moved out of state around 4 years ago, so I’ve only seen him about a dozen times at parties and I’ve met his fiancée a couple of times. When they got engaged, we heard about the date through the grapevine and started making arrangements with friends (ie. renting a vehicle to fit all of us, who would drive) – we even booked a hotel room with another couple when we received the Save the Date.
    The invitation showed up in the mail a few weeks ago and I didn’t pay much attention aside from looking at menu options. I went to RSVP about a week ago via their website (because I usually handle our affairs) and it asked me to enter my email. I did and it told me it didn’t recognize it and that a request would be sent to the bridge/groom.
    Yesterday, partner asked me to RSVP and try his email. I did, and it came up asking for his menu option and then said “Thanks, see you then!” with no option for a plus one. I double checked the envelope and it was addressed to just him. I told him he should ask around to see if other spouses are invited (we are unmarried), 2 of 6 men attending the wedding have spouses invited (one with a live-in partner of a year, he is standing in the wedding; one who has been married to his spouse since September – we booked the hotel room with them). The other 3 guys are notoriously single guys, although one has had a girlfriend for about 2 months. When my partner inquired, he was told they were tight and they had to make cuts.
    I am embarrassed, because I was publicly involved in planning for our stay, and also a little offended that I didn’t make the cut but other spouses did. It would be different if it was supposed to be a boys’ crew travelling across state lines, instead my partner is the only one who will be flying solo aside from his friend with the gf of two months. What adds to the dilemma is my partner will be having a knee surgery only one week before the event, so he’ll be on crutches (no dancing), won’t be able to bend his knee (we had worked out a plan to get him there with enough room in the vehicle, that’s up in the air now) and will be on pain killers (no drinking), so he will practically need a caregiver. He’s stated he’s going anyway but I doubt he’s considered the actual lengths his friends will need to go to in order to take care of him (nevermind the actual venue, which we haven’t seen, and whether it has stairs/hills etc.)
    I’m torn between feeling a little hurt but understanding, in that I didn’t know his fiancée well so it’s reasonable that I was cut. But, on the other side, I’m feeling embarrassed/hurt that I was eliminated and that no advance explanation or reasoning was provided to my partner (I think a phone call when save-the-dates went out would be reasonable, explaining to my partner what happened and asking if he would still like an invitation given the circumstances). I feel like it was rude and particularly tacky, especially considering other spouses/live-in partners were invited.

    Can anyone direct me here? I’ve already decided I won’t be attending, even if given the opportunity in the “second round” of invitations, and have booked a ladies weekend away. I’m not sure which way I should lean on this or if I should just forget about it and move on.

      • HR Generalist

        He basically said, “this sucks” but he’s going to attend. He’s upset about the hit to his wallet – he’ll need to travel about 8 hours on his own dime and he’ll be totally dependant on someone other than me to drive, plus he’ll need to cover hotel/gift on his own. I told him not to feel bad if he decides not to attend or if it seems like it’ll be too much once he has had the surgery, I just think it’s strange to invite him at all given that his partner can’t attend. Maybe I’m being selfish but we’ve been together longer than any of the other couples.

        The reason only 6 of the locals are attending is because this groom relocated about 4 years ago and chose to only invite his high school friends from back home (it will be a large wedding with his new circle of friends), which is why I’d feel a little better if it was only “the boys” and no other partners invited.

        • HR Generalist

          Call me a feminist but I’ve never thought a ring meant much, especially these days. Maybe I should start the stereotypical “but when are you going to propose?!” nagging?

          • AIMS

            It seems to me these people were rude. If they had to make arbitrary cuts, they should not have included the other live-in partner. If your BF wants to go, let him handle the extra expense and take care of himself. He’s an adult and can make his own decision.

            If it makes you feel any better, when I hear about people in 2015 who adhere to the arbitrary “married for 2 months ok, living together for 2 years not good enough” line, I can’t help but think how out of date and out of sync that kind of thinking is. Acknowledge your hurt and move on. Whatever the logic behind the invite, just try to have a nice weekend with your friends.

            ETA: And don’t be embarrassed about the planning. I am sure all the others in the group are embarrassed too. If it comes up, just say you’re not going and change the subject.

    • CountC

      I can understand why you are upset, but I think you probably need to forget about it and move on. If only 6 men are invited to the wedding, that is a small gathering and there are likely a lot of other people they had to cut (even family members perhaps). To tie into the discussion that has been happening here quite a bit, you are not your partner’s spouse, so regardless of how long you have been together or what your living arrangements are, I don’t think you should compare yourself to the other couples that are married. I am not saying it’s right or wrong, just that in this situation, the couple getting married had to make decisions presumably based on money and one of their decision factors appears to be married vs. unmarried. I can’t explain the other person with the 2 month girlfriend, but perhaps the couple getting married hang out with that couple a lot because they are in closer proximity?

      Also, I am not sure that you should be taking into account your partner’s surgery in you getting invited or not. Frankly, it shouldn’t really matter to the couple getting married what your partner’s medical situation is when evaluating who to invite. That’s on your partner to figure out, you know? I anticipate he will manage fine, although will likely be in a good bit of pain! If your partner has decided he can manage it, then you should probably just let him figure it out.

      Regardless, I think it’s great that you have planned a girls trip and you should and likely will enjoy it.

      • anonymous

        She did say that other live-in partners were invited, so the common refrain on this site about unmarried couples appears to be misplaced here.

        • anyanony

          This isn’t quite correct. The only live-in partner that was invited is the partner of the Best Man/Usher (she said “he is standing for the groom” so that means that man is in the wedding). If I were to interpret the bride/groom’s actions, it’s that the live-in of an attendant trumps the live-in of a guest, if the guest list is limited.

          Now if it were me, I would always invite a live-in of two years. I think it’s tacky not to invite both halves of a live-in couple. The honest thing for the couple to have done would have been to take the OP’s partner aside and tell him that there was a limit and explain their rationale. It’s even worse if the “save-the-date” implied that both were invited: The OP isn’t clear on this as to whether the save the date had one or both names on it, but that would be a huge faux-pas.

          • HR Generalist

            There were no names, just “save this date for the wedding of ____”, but I naturally assumed I would be invited. I would think the circumstances warranted an advanced warning – we attended almost a dozen weddings as a couple with this friend group in the last two years.

          • Bee

            To OP – the save the date had to be addressed to someone if they mailed it to you. The name or names on the envelope indicate who is invited. If they handed you the save the date that’s a little trickier.

          • Wildkitten

            I would if it was addressed to BF and he opened it and showed OP the Save the Date without thinking the outer envelope was worth noticing. That seems like a thing a guy would do.

      • Wildkitten

        I agree completely with all of this. I am wondering if the bf doesn’t want to go either, if he is going to be in so much pain and immobile.

    • Bee

      Yes, it is rude to not invite half of a live-in couple. But rudeness aside, it seems particularly ironic to denigrate the importance of your guests’ commitment to their romantic relationships at a celebration of a commitment to a romantic relationship. Especially considering the hosts who claim that marriage is the be-all-end-all of their guest list are not themselves married at the time the invitation is issued or, in fact, at the beginning of the day of the event.

    • roses

      I generally think it’s rude not to invite a “significant” other (i.e., the other half of a relationship, vs. giving everyone a +1), but it’s even ruder that the couple gave the impression that they would be inviting you. You have a right to feel insulted, but I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it.

      • SB

        Did they give you the impression they were inviting you? I don’t see that in here at all. They obviously could have been more clear about it but were probably trying to avoid an awkward convo and thought they could just express it through the save the date address / invite.

    • Anon in NYC

      I personally think serious significant others should be invited to a wedding. But everybody has to draw the line somewhere – for some people it may be marriage. That’s probably why the spouse is invited, and the person in the wedding party who has a live-in partner is probably an exception to this rule because he’s in the wedding party.

      I was once invited to a destination wedding without my live-in significant other of 8+ years. I get being slightly hurt and offended, but I think you should let it go. Feeling hurt and offended about this is not worth the emotional investment.

      • HR Generalist

        That’s what I was thinking as well, but I’m still feeling like I need to validate my “this is wrong!” sentiments as my partner is notoriously non-confrontational and basically met the realisation with a shrug. Which was beyond annoying for me, but there’s a whole nother story there.

        I’ll have to wait until I get a ring and then only invite the groom as my sick revenge/misplaced karma….. (just kidding)

        • HR Generalist

          And- to be completely fair- we’re doing a spa weekend instead and I’m /much/ happier spending my money on a massage/facial/thermal treatment with the girls over a wedding gift/dress for an event where my partner will be basically immobilised and I only know 6 of the guests. I guess I’m just still looking for verification that I’m right to feel angry about it.

          • Scout

            I think you’re totally in the right and your partner shouldn’t go if it’s that big of a physical and financial strain.

            It’s very rude but there’s not much you can do about it. It’s not like if you guys choose to get married you can go, oh wait nope not you two because you didn’t invite me to your wedding. I would just make a mental note of their lack of investment in their friendship with your partner and their lack of an investment in a potential future friendship with you.

            I understand that weddings are expensive and something has to get cut. But what got cut was taking care of guests who were willing to travel out of state and spend quite a bit of money to celebrate their special moment– not cheaper flowers- not cheaper booze. And that’s fine, people can spend what they want on what they want but it sends a message to other people.

          • AIMS

            You’re right to feel hurt, and I said so up top. But it sounds like this may be a bigger issue with the BF, rather than this couple.

        • Anon in NYC

          It sounds like your issue is more with your SO than the couple. I would not have done with that couple did, but it sounds like you either want your SO to confront the groom and force them to invite you to the wedding (that would be really awkward) or choose to not attend the wedding. That’s an issue with your SO not the couple.

          Enjoy your spa weekend – I would much rather do that than attend the wedding of someone I’d met a handful of times and barely know!

          • AIMS

            I think the SO could have called the groom and said something like, “hey, I’m not sure if this was unintentional so I wanted to double check, but when I went to RSVP there was not a place to include HR. I understand guest lists are tight, but we were planning to travel together and I just wanted to make sure that wasn’t an oversight before I RSVP’d.”
            It would be awkward but not unreasonable if they’re good friends. I’m not saying that I would have done the same, but I don’t think the SO was without options here. The fact that he just shrugged it off would p*ss me off, too.

          • Anon in NYC

            AIMS – I think the OP said that the SO did call the groom (or someone) and ask about it, and the groom said that they were tight and had to make cuts. So I think the SO has done what he can.

            ETA – the SO has done what he can in terms of clarifying the invite. Sure, he could still not attend, but I think it would be in bad taste to try to force the issue with the couple at this point.

    • Anonymous

      Its rude, gauche and tacky to send an invitation addressed to one person at an address and not the person living with them (unless its some kind of boys only weekend). They are in the wrong. I would look down on their rudeness, have a much better time with your friends and be thankful you don’t have to wait hand and foot on your on-crutches, sober boyfriend for the weekend.

    • Anonymous

      You all are a lot more gracious about this than I would be. Now I can understand not inviting ANY SOs if you’re inviting a big group – like high school friends or frat bothers – because the guests will have other people to talk to and can basically make a guys’ trip out of it.

      But if some SOs were invited and my SO was not, I would take that as an insult to my relationship and I would refuse to attend the wedding or send a gift. I would expect my SO to do the same. You, an unmarried couple, do not get to turn up your nose at me and my SO just because our commitment to each other is not marked by a Sparkly Ring. We are getting married. Just not right this minute. And that commitment is no less valid just because a DIAMOND! doesn’t accompany it.

    • AnonLawMom

      I guess I’m all alone on this one but, while I too would be upset in your situation, ultimately I would understand. Weddings are extremely expensive and each extra plate matters for many people. Cutting guest lists is often hard but necessary. Inviting spouses of friends and not girlfriends is a totally normal way to draw a line in the sand if it has to be done. And what they are allowing for someone in the wedding party has nothing to do with you – that person is spending quite a bit more time and effort to be a part of the wedding rather than simply a guest. There might also be tons of family members with live in girlfriends/boyfriends and they felt like if they didn’t draw a hard line they’d be unable to control the size. Sounds like you have a fun weekend planned anyway.

      Also – you should not feel embarrassed about any of this. Anyone who knows the story probably finds it more embarrassing for the couple getting married than they do for you.

      • Anonny

        I’m glad someone said it. Be disappointed, but you can’t be angry for all of the reasons above that I’ve been thinking to myself.

      • Anonattorney

        I’m in the minority on this, I know, but I’m of the opinion that everyone invited to the wedding gets a +1. If you can’t afford to give your guests a +1, then you should shrink your pool of invitees, or cut costs elsewhere. Weddings SUCK if you have to attend by yourself, unless you have a built-in group of friends who are also attending solo. Also, there’s no clear line to draw: married couples and couples that live together? What about people who live apart but have been together for 3+ years? 2+ years? 6 months? What about the couple who invited you and gave you a +1 – do they get special treatment?

        Anyway, my two cents. I also tend to think that the vast majority of wedding costs are unnecessary – like flowers, decor, wedding favors, fancy dress (like >$1500), etc. I would much rather spend my money on making it easier on my guests than on making it look like it’s out of a magazine. BUT – all weddings (and brides) are different. And there’s not really any one right way to do things. So whatever.

        • Sunshine

          +1 on the +1s. We offered everyone the option to bring a guest, regardless of whether they were coupled (in any sense) or not.

        • Mom-to-be

          Agree. It’s rude to exclude partners, and it’s also rude to define which partners are more legit than others. Everyone gets a +1 if they want.

  11. Anon

    I posted here awhile back about a sort of issue in my marriage and career, and could use some follow up advice. My husband and I are in exactly the same niche in the same field in the same profession. When I last posted, I was interviewing for a job at an organization very similar to where my husband works, doing pretty much what my husband does. In fact, he was under consideration for this job when his current job came up. (Call his employer A and mine B.) So he was talking with B but B was moving slowly while A suddenly came up and said “hey, we’d like to hire you!” He took the job with A — which is a good job with good pay and good, interesting work. Meanwhile, I was looking for a new job so my husband called his contact at B and said “If you’re still looking, my wife might be a fit.” B called me and now I’ve got the job.

    The problem is that B is more prestigious than A. I have better resources to do my job, more latitude, and many, many more opportunities. It also will likely set me up for a better job down the road than A will do for my husband. My husband has been very supportive and is happy I have the job at B. But it’s really hard for him. I won’t say that a job at B was his “dream job,” but it was close. The job at A is in the same line, but it’s just not quite B.

    I feel like I can’t ever talk about work with my husband. If I say this or that is happening, he says “I wish we had [resources/connections/etc.] like that.” This job is a big jump for me and I’ve had to really scramble to get up to speed. Ideally I’d like to lean on my husband the way we’ve always leaned on each other — to say “I feel nervous about this. I’m worried I won’t be good enough.” Or, because we’re in the same field, to get feedback and advice on work I’m doing. But I feel like I can’t ask for that. If he were just a friend it would be easy. It’s like I wouldn’t talk to my friend who’s in a rough patch with her SO about how my husband is so great, or even gripe to her about little annoyances with my husband if she was contemplating divorce. But he’s my husband and not talking about work anymore feels like I’m just shutting the door on what was a big part of our relationship. I also don’t want to patronize him by not telling him things because it might hurt his feelings. But, for example, I’m being interviewed on TV next week. It’s on a topic where I feel like I’m not as up to speed as I should be. So I’m nervous, and I need to spend some time cramming, but it’s also kind of exciting. I don’t feel like I can share any of this with him. Even if he would want me to, I hate to do anything that makes him feel bad about his job (which is a good job!).

    I just feel like I’m the source of bad feelings for my husband. He doesn’t blame me for it. But he does feel bad sometimes. I can’t figure out how to strike the right balance. If it were just that I didn’t have my usual sounding board, well, I could figure that out. But I worry that not telling him about work is creating distance in our relationship. But if I tell him, it causes bad feelings. (Almost like giving a static shock. It’s not something you intend or can even control, but you do still zap the person you touch.) I don’t know what to do.

    • anonymous

      No advice, but I sometimes find myself in the same situation. We’re in very closely related fields in the same industry, and I’ve always outperformed him. He gets upset when I choose not to talk about things, so I talk about them a little bit. I also make sure to build him up when the opportunity presents and just generally enjoy his company. I think I worry that in our relationship distance is caused by him feeling less successful than me, rather than what I do or don’t tell him about work.

    • mascot

      It sounds like roles could have very easily been reversed and that he knew that you might be hired when he recommended you. Why else would he tell you to apply? Sure, you may have some better resources or more advancement/pay opportunities and you aren’t going to rub those in his face or talk down about his position. But, those perks may indirectly benefit him as well in a rising tide lifts all boats sort of way. This is your husband. Presumably his love and desire for your success can help him overcome any jealous or competitive feelings. I’d be hurt if I thought my spouse was holding back because they didn’t think I could handle big feelings like an adult. I’d at least talk to him about this and let him advise you of any tender spots.

      • Mom-to-be

        I agree with this. Step 1: Talk to him and see what he thinks about it. Step 2, if that doesn’t work, is couples counseling below. This is a big issue.

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like this would be a good thing to work on in some couples counseling. I have to think it’s bothering him, too, and maybe a good therapist could help you get it all out in the open and figure out a way to deal with it before it becomes A Big Problem in your relationship.

      • AnonLawMom

        +1. Get to counseling stat. This is the sort of problem that can either really help strengthen your marriage if you handle it well or can create major division. Your urge to keep it to yourself because your husband is jealous makes me think you need some help correcting the path here. It sounds like a tricky situation navigate so a third party would probably be very helpful.

      • Wildkitten

        Agreed. Figuring out how to deal with this would be a true investment in your relationship and your career.

  12. espresso bean

    I’m looking for something very specific and hoping you ladies can help:

    – a walkable flat
    – that is also stylish
    – with a pointy or almond toe, maybe that new smoking slipper style or a loafer look
    – that I can actually commute in — I walk 1 mile each way to work
    – must be leather
    – no conspicuous branding
    – a neutral color (stone, pewter, taupe)

    I really like the style of the Everlane loafer, but I don’t know if they’re comfortable and I would prefer to spend less than $100. Other recommendations I’ve gotten are the new TOMS pointy-toe flats, but I don’t like the branding.

    Thoughts? Does anyone own this elusive unicorn of a shoe? Thanks in advance!

    • AIMS

      I’m not sure they would work for you but lots of people seem to like the Ivanka Trump pointy flats. I have a pair and have mixed feelings. They’re comfortable enough for walking (I do about 1.5 miles a day plus) but, as with many flats, my problem is the shoe stretches out and then my heel slips out after a while which is not so optimal. The last time I wore them one shoe literally fell of my foot as I was crossing the street and I had to go back to get it while hobbling on one leg. Could be just my feet though.

      • Anon

        As counterpoint, I’ve probably owned 8-10 pairs of Ivanka Trump flats over the past 5 years ( I bought multiples in black and nude when she had the Annulio style) and I never had this problem. I’m seriously sad that she seems to have stopped making them, though :(

        • Baconpancakes

          As a counter counterpoint, I own 1 pair of Ivanka Trump flats, and while they’re the cutest simple patent-look mint flats in the world, the first time I wore them, they rubbed into my heel so much I bled, and even after a year of regular wear, they still rub in all the wrong places.

          • anonymama

            I feel like heel inserts are vital for most flats and pumps, they prevent slipping and/or uncomfortable rubbing.

    • Leigh

      I don’t know of such a shoe, but I will say that I really love my Toms pointed toe flats. If I am remembering correctly, the tag is just stiched on, so I wonder if you could just get a seam ripper and remove it? Mine aren’t leather though.

    • mintberrycrunch

      Dr. Scholl’s Really Flat fits all of these requirements except the real leather (which, admittedly, is a big one). I have it in 3 colors and it’s pretty much my standard commuting/work shoe these days.

    • Wildkitten

      I would find your unicorn shoe for work and wear other flats to commute, so you don’t wear our the unicorn.

      • Mom-to-be

        +1. Find good shoes for walking, and save the great-looking stuff for the office.

    • houda

      If you have Clarks near you, I would look at their flats. I’m currently wearing flats that fit this description except they are black. I know they make other colors.

  13. la vie en bleu

    I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job I basically used to have in another location a while ago with the same organization. I really loved the job when I had it, but I’ve had another job in between that made me hate a lot of things and completely burn out, and I’m finding myself wavering on whether I really want to go back and do this job again. It would be very different from the last job, but with a lot of the same people potentially.

    This is also my first interview in several months, so between those two things I’m getting way more nervous and worried about this than I usually do for an interview.

    Any advice on what I should be thinking about to decide if I really even want this or not? Any thing I should remember to do before/during the interview that I might have forgotten about? I’m so torn, and I’m usually not so ambivalent about a job before I even do the interview. :oP
    ETA: but I’m worried the ambivalence is just lingering burnout and not actually about this job.

    • anonymama

      Stay focused on getting the offer first, and then you can think about if you want to take it or not.

    • padi

      Congrats! That is awesome!

      I would prepare for the interview like normal but also come up with a good explanation for why you left the org before.

      My inner Ellen wants you to know: Let them try to recruit you back because you are awesome! They need you! And ask for more money than they were paying you before! Yay! Mohr Bengamens!

      • la vie en bleu

        haha, thank you!!!
        Actually I left bc they had mass layoffs in 2009 and I was one of them. And then I moved in the meanwhile and now they are hiring up again. They are definitely paying WAAYYYY better than last time I was there, they have changed the pay structure completely, which was part of the problem back in the day, so that is really good…

        I’m just having a hard time feeling excited about this right now, which makes me worried i won’t do a good job in the interview.

  15. padi

    I am in the process of buying a condo and we were rushing everything to get a 21-day close. I have movers all lined up. I have the cleaners and stagers ready to go. I was all ready to move within a week of closing and take a vacation that was planned long before I decided to buy.

    The underwriter just changed their turn around time from 2 days to 6 days. I just signed an extension to move closing back a week.

    I am so bummed. I knew this could happen and thought I was prepared. I guess I didn’t realize how much I am looking forward to my new place.

    I guess I am just looking for support or commiseration. Buying is so stressful and I just wish I didn’t need to get a mortgage!

    • Mom-to-be

      Buying sucks! Horror stories abound. We bought a house last year, and had scheduled a cross-country trip around the time it was scheduled to close too. We packed as much as we could before the trip, leaving out just our suitcases, hoping to move the day we got back.

      In the end, we moved about three weeks later. And we lived out of our small suitcases that entire time. It was awful.

      What you are experiencing is completely normal, and very often part of the process of buying a home.

      PS: Moving companies are extremely flexible, and the ones around here were fine with 2-3 days notice only. They are used to this.

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