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Updated: Mar 13, 2019 392 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Straight Neck Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. When I was poking around the web for yesterday's hunt for blouses for suits, I fell in love with this drapey tee with a loose, straight neckline. The dark green may be a bit better suited for fall than the kelly greens of spring, but it's so pretty. (Oooh, and it's machine washable!) It comes in six colors, mostly sizes XS-L, with a few lucky sizes left in select colors in size XL. It's $120 at Reiss. Straight Neck Top Emerald Green This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Help me with life insurance questions

    Reposting from yesterday’s coffee break post

    Preparing our annual tax returns brought home to me how my income is 2/3 of the family income. We have a 13 year old kid. I want to purchase term life insurance that also covers long term disability and critical illnesses care. From reading about it, I think I want underwritten insurance with medical exam so payment in an event is hassle-free and I think I want it for 10 years (to protect us until my daughter can earn her living and we have built up some good equity in our home). As it is, my earning ability is our primary asset.

    I am in Canada (QC). My question is, how do I find a good independent advisor who is not tied down to a particular institution? Will I get a beter deal through an advisor or do I paythem extra money on top of the rate I would pay an insurer? Are they wort it? Or, if you would recommend an insurer directly, which one? I want a good price but also a company that pays out without too many issues.

    A side question: I have never smoked but I am obese (230 lbs). I am otherwise healthy, have never had issues with cholesterol or blood sugar etc. but still obese. Will I get a better rate if I work to lose weight first? Or will “I lost X pounds in Y time last year” actually raise my rate because statistics… Is that the kind of thing an advisor can answer reliably?

    I have been struggling with his for a while.

    • Anonymous

      If you are classified as ‘overweight’ instead of ‘obese’ you will likely get a better rate because you are looking for not just life insurance but also long term disability insurance. So if it is a small amount of weight loss to change categories (e.g. 10-15 lbs) then you could try taking a month or so to move down to the ‘overweight’ category before doing the medical. Weight Watchers (or whatever it’s called now), has a sensible sustainable program if you avoid the diet foods they sell.

      If moving from the obese to overweight category is a longer term project, I would get the insurance now and have your family protected.

    • Anon

      I’m currently in the process of underwriting for life insurance. At least in the US they definitely ask you about historic weight over the last five years. I’d suggest reaching out to a place like policygenuis (no affiliation I’ve just found them easy to work with) or similar who can answer your questions. I think this will vary a lot by carrier.

      I have no idea on pricing but my personal view is you should just get a policy now even if it’s more expensive. Life insurance is supposed to be for the unexpected, every day that goes by without it is adding time to the risk that something happens and you aren’t covered. The peace of mind of having a policy now versus having no policy for a year to potentially get a better rate would not be worth it to me.

    • anon a mouse

      As someone who is currently in the middle of applying for life insurance at a higher-than-average weight, apply now. If all of your other stats are good, you will still get coverage, just not at the best weight. Ask your broker if you can apply to get re-rated at a future point — the policy we are applying for (through Mutual of Omaha) has an option where if in the first year your health/weight significantly improves you can apply for a better rating /cost but under the same policy. I was going to wait until I lost 15-20 pounds, which would probably save me $30 a month or so. But I’d rather go ahead and get coverage now, lest god forbid something happen to me in the meantime.

    • Anon

      Just a thought: I would get more than 10 years if you can feasibly. At 23, I started grad school and if something happened to me, like I broke my leg, or my parents and I were involved in an accident, there would be some real problems. Even at 28, I don’t have that much in savings if something serious were to happen.

      • Anonymous

        You had health insurance though, right? That would pay for your expenses in the event of an accident. And they’re in Canada with universal healthcare anyway. You don’t need to inherit millions from life insurance if your parents die when you’re 23. You’re an adult, you can provide for yourself. Plenty of people have no significant assets (or even a negative net worth due to student loans) at that age.

        • anon0313

          Anon- agree- my thoughts on life insurance are that I’m married, have 2 small children, and my spouse & I each rely on each other to pay bills that cannot easily be discharged (mortgage & daycare). We have liquid savings, but I want those to remain there in case of job loss (which can happen even if one of us passes). So, it was important for me that each of us have 5 yrs of expenses in life insurance, so that in the event something happens to on of us, we have plenty of time to make decisions- house can be sold later etc., without feeling a desperate crunch to have to make bills. I think before you have a mortgage/kids & when kids are older… it’s less pressing.
          FWIW- my job, in the US, offers low monthly payment coverage for 3 years of income for each of us (about $800k, which wouldn’t be taxed) without a medical exam (I’m also overweight and didn’t want to deal with it)… this was plenty to make me feel good about the situation. I even took a small policy out on our young daughter ($25k)… because god forbid something happens to her, the last thing I want to worry about during my grieving is the insane cost of a funeral/burial.

      • Anon

        I think most people can provide for themselves by age 23. Maybe not at the lifestyle you’d become accustomed to with your parents’ help, but it wouldn’t be devastating (other than, you know, losing your parents).

  2. Anon

    What would you do in a setting where an insecure superior seems to be threatened by where you went to school and tries to undermine/gossip about you to some one else who went to his alma mater? For context this is in a law firm, and he is not a direct boss.

    • Anonymous

      I am in a firm where the lawyers are either from the top of the class at top schools or from a local mid tier school. No one gets a free pass from the resulting tension and competition. Just focus on doing a great job and if you did not grow up in the area, on finding an activity you enjoy that builds local ties for you.

    • Anon

      Ignore and move on. Office politics are pretty unavoidable. Insecure people are always going to be insecure. If it wasn’t your law school itd be something else. Saying or doing anything about this will make you appear snobby about going to a “better” school.

      • Anonymous

        It’s like anything else — he is not your project to fix. Ignore, move on, go have a great life.

    • Anonymous

      It depends, did your celebrity parents engage in an elaborate scam that included fake SATs and sports recruiting pictures? If not, then this is bargain basement insecurity. People who are good at their jobs don’t talk or need to talk about where they went to school. Their work speaks for them. Man, I hope they make this scam into a movie starring William H. Macy as William Singer–it would be epic.

  3. Financial infdelity

    I recently discovered that my husband ran up over $9000 in credit card debt. I knew about the card and he had been making payments from our joint checking account, but it turns out that he was just making minimum payments. He claims that the amount is high due to interest charges and other fees, but he still hasn’t shown me the statements. I instructed him to do a transfer balance for a zero interest rate and to close the card. Turns out he is still charging 200-600 a month on the card. I know this because I saw an email from his credit card company announcing the amount due, but I haven’t seen a statement. To add insult to injury here, he has also been unemployed for 5 months and money is tight.

    We have two young children. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to micromanage his spending, but clearly his spending is out of control. I’m tempted to start talking to a lawyer to see what I can do to protect myself and my kids. His parents are notoriously bad with money to the point that his father had been nearly homeless at times. I just pulled my husband’s credit report and there are no other surprises. Any advice? Do I make him hand over all of his logins and give me proof that he closed out the card? I’m packing my lunch everyday and he’s hiding his spending from me. I have no idea what he’s even spending it on. I see no new appliances or clothing around the house. He doesn’t go out at night. I don’t know what is going on.

    • Monday

      I am so sorry. I think demanding his logins, direct proof of his closing it out, and talking to a lawyer ASAP is a good idea because he’s being deceptive.

      What is his reason for not showing you the statements? Sounds like another surprise is hiding there, in terms of where the money is all going.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      It’s not clear to me how much or how clearly you’ve talked to him about this. Have you sat down and had a We Need To Talk where you ask him directly what he’s spending all this money on and why? “Honey, you know that money is tight right now, but you keep charging lots of money to your credit card. What’s going on?” and “I’m really concerned by your level of spending, and especially by how you seem to be hiding it,” etc. Even if you have, I think you need to revisit it and really push for more clarity, especially on what exactly this money is going towards, because that will make a big difference to what you want to do next. (My mind jumps to online gambling, unfortunately, or maybe p0rn, but I hope it’s not either of those.)

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

    • Anon

      I would want to see the statements for starters. It would make a difference to me what he was buying.

      • Anonymous

        This. He needs to regain your trust. That starts with 100% honesty. He needs to show you the statements since the debt started and explain every charge and explain why he thought it was worth risking your family’s financial future.

        And he needs to cut up all his credit cards. He abused credit cards when your family is in a financial precarious situation and he shouldn’t use them anymore.

    • Anonymous

      I am sorry this is happening to you. Hugs.
      A few years ago after going through my husband’s checking account and seeing some big payments to a credit card, I found out that he had $20k on a credit card that he hadn’t told me about. He had taken it out in his name only and given one card to his mother (a real piece of work with terrible money management skills) for “emergency” expenses, and she had run the balance up with all kinds of foolishness, including buying almost an entire apartment’s worth of furniture. He had been trying to keep up with the minimum payments but had fallen behind. She, of course, paid nothing after promising him she would pay him back.
      How I handled it, which is not saying you should handle it this way: he moved into a friend’s guest house until I could pull all the statements and go through them to figure out where the money had gone. We started going to marriage counseling. I reported the card as stolen to cancel the number so she couldn’t use it any more (after everything blew up and she had been told not to use the card, she still tried to use it at Target the next day). My husband’s aunt and uncle generously offered to pay off $15,000 of his mom’s debt and we felt we could handle the other $5k. We paid it off in a couple of months. My husband moved back in after a couple of weeks but we stayed in counseling for over a year.
      I spent weeks feeling sick to my stomach and not knowing if my marriage would survive…for me this was more about trust than about money. We agreed with the therapist that now I have the right to check the credit reports at least twice a year and make sure there are no hidden cards or accounts out there. A big part of it for us was my husband trying to be a “good son” even though his mom is basically as sociopath. This all happened over 5 years ago now, and we got through it but it was not easy. Just FYI, you will get a lot of “OMG divorce him” and judgement from the people on this board (most of whom are not married or partnered); only you know what is right for your family. Definitely get a counselor and a lawyer involved so you understand how to protect yourself, but only you can decide if this is a divorceable offense. Good luck and my thoughts are with you. Happy to answer any questions you have.

    • Anon

      Hi – Yes, make him give you all log in information. You need to review everything – and I am sorry to say that you will need to review everything on a regular basis (think weekly). I’m sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar. What helped was total transparency and a very clear budget.

    • Abby

      I don’t think it’s micromanaging to sit down and have an open conversation about finances. This affects your entire family, and you should both be on the same page for spending, especially if he is unemployed. I’d want to see statements, because that’s a large amount of money for you to not know where it’s going.

    • Anonymous

      I am with the others. You need to know what he is spending it on. There’s at least one loose end here.

    • AnonZ

      I would not immediately jump to the worst case scenario in terms of what he’s spending the money on. Agree with you and everyone else that you need to see the statements. I can easily envision a scenario where his spending is directly tied to his unemployment – i.e. he’s bored and miserable and copes by purchasing dumb stuff like video games, which he’s then really ashamed of and wants to hide from you because he knows he shouldn’t be spending the money.

      To channel my inner Brene Brown, it sounds like he’s probably feeling a lot of shame about the whole situation. I think you should approach with a little more empathy. Some of the language in your post like “financial infidelity” and “I instructed him…” and “Do I make him…” sounds like you’ve taken a fairly aggressive approach (which is understandable!) but might not fully encourage open communication.

      • OP

        OP Here — I don’t think I’m being aggressive enough. He has racked up $9000 in credit card charges and is still charging 100s a month. I’m picking up side hustles to help keep us afloat and bringing in PBJs for lunch. I can’t really afford to sit by and let him keep doing this to our family.

        • Anon

          My SO was unemployed for about a year and dealing with the shame and boredom and disappointment of not having a job was incredibly rough. We dealt with so much resentment during that time.

          That being said, I agree with the others you need to be incredibly frank with him and find out what he is spending it on. If he is spending it on things to make him fill the void of unemployment (I’m thinking toys not girls), maybe give him a budget that he has to stick until he finds a job. And I imagine he probably needs some counseling.

        • Lana Del Raygun

          But it’s not a choice between aggression and sitting by. You absolutely have a right to your anger, but being more aggressive is probably not a productive way to get what you want, which it sounds like is for him to come clean and stop spending so much money.

          Have you asked him what he’s spending the money on? How did he respond? Did he agree with your instructions about the balance transfer?

          This is dire enough that I would cancel the card unilaterally if you can, but if you want him to tell you what’s going on you’re probably going to have to help him through his shame, as galling as that sounds.

        • Anon

          Obviously the spending needs to stop if you can’t afford it. But I do think you’re being overaggressive and judgmental. He’s unemployed (involuntarily, it sounds like). That’s really hard for most people, and some empathy would really help. I also find it kind of strange that you seem to be viewing it as him spending “your” money. I know some couples treat finances like that, but my husband and I have always viewed family earnings as joint earnings that can be spent without permission (within reason). I’m not saying I’d be thrilled if I discovered this kind of spending at a time when we were trying to tighten the purse strings but I also wouldn’t freak out and start ordering him around like a child.

          Look, if you despise the guy, and it sounds like you do, obviously you can divorce him. You don’t need permission from internet strangers. But if I found out my husband were spending this kind of money, divorce wouldn’t be my first thought. I’d want to know what he was spending it on and why and if it was relatively harmless, I’d try to work through it.

          • LaurenB

            Anon – The amount being spent here is not “harmless,” though. It’s not as though we are talking – he went and bought a few lunches at Panera or Starbucks, and a new pair of sneakers, and a new pair of jeans, and hid it from you because he’s embarrassed bc he’s not working while you are out hustling. $9,000 is not a trivial amount to spend.

          • Anon

            I worded that poorly. I was using the word harmless to refer to the category of spending, not the amount. I think it’s very different if it’s hookers or drugs vs lunches or jeans. That’s why I’d want to see all the statements before I made any other decisions.

          • Anonymous

            @Lauren, she said he spent $200 to 600/month. You could easily get that with lunches and sneakers. $9,000 is the total amount after many months of spending, with interest and possibly late fees. It may still be an amount they can’t afford, but it’s very different than charging $9,000/month to the card.

          • Anon

            Nah, Lauren, you’re wrong here. You can easily rack up that much with what seems like trivial purchases, especially at the rate of a few hundred a month.

        • AnonZ

          You know your family and husband best, and you’re definitely in a really tough situation. I just think you should consider the possibility that the more aggressive and angry you are about the situation, the more he feels like he should hide, which is completely counter-productive to getting things fully understood and getting a plan in place to solve them. So perhaps consider a softer approach not because it’s a kind thing to do for your husband (who, understandably, you make not be feeling especially kindly towards right now) but rather because it may be the best way to get the problem solved. I hope things work out for you and your family.

          • Anon

            THIS. You’re angry, he’s ashamed; the angrier you get the more ashamed he gets. Divorce is a valid choice but if you haven’t made up your mind to get divorced, less anger is the best way to solve this.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yeah, I feel like your choices are “get divorced” or “work through it with him.” “Stay married and be super punitive” is not really a good option.

            Me personally, I’d lean toward Option 1 but YMMV.

      • Lady Anonymous

        That’s a bit jumping the gun, don’t you think? But some of you are so quick to pull the “go see a divorce lawyer” trigger on this board.

        No. The OP needs to have a come-to-Jesus chat with the hubby. Sit him down at the computer, have him log in to the credit card’s website and have a looky-see at the statements to find out where all that money has gone. Then close the card, take whatever cards are in his possession, and burn them, and then get his name off the checking/savings account so he can’t access any of that money, either. He’s proven himself to be totally untrustworthy with money. He can be given an allowance like a little kid if need be, but he gets no access to funds otherwise.

        I agree with the posters above who have suggested counseling, both joint counseling and also counseling for the hubster — my guess is he’s having issues with dealing with his unemployment. OP did not mention how his job search is going — if he’s doing any kind of job hunting or if he’s sitting around on the couch in his jockey shorts eating cheetos all day. There may be bigger issues at play here: I’m thinking gambling addiction, or perhaps spending money as a way to deal with depression.

        But immediately running for the divorce attorney? Chill, sister. And maybe check your own man issues and insecurities.

        • Anonymous

          The divorce lawyer comments stem, at least when I write them, from knowing you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Someone who’s not coming clean, who continues to run up debts, isn’t, at first blush, someone who wants to change. So then the partner needs to decide if these are the conditions/terms she’s willing to live under.

        • Lana Del Raygun

          Yikes, it’s not okay to unilaterally cut your spouse off a joint bank account.

          • Anon

            It is if they’ll wipe you clean to the point of homelessness and wondering where your next meal will come from. When there are kids involved, you need to take extreme measures to ensure that they are cared for. Clearly the Husband here doesn’t care about his children enough to see to their financial well being. Wife absolutely needs to take full control over the money. That doesn’t mean she gets free reign without oversight – he should also have full access to see where the money is going, but if it means not going broke, taking access to the money itself needs to be shut down.

          • Anonymous

            If you’re going to be held responsible for the debt, then you need to have the power to address it (which yes, includes cutting off the spending).

          • anon0313

            Lana- I agree w/ you. Both my husband and I have had periods of unemployment/underemployment during our post-law school careers. I was unemployed first and the way my husband treated me- like a complete equal and with kindness- really changed how I then dealt with him when he was unemployed for a year 5 years later. I understand finances affect everyone in the fam, and it’s kind of a zero sum game, but if you are married, it would be hard (in my marriage) to tell my husband he did not have autonomy over some amount of spending (and a couple hundred a month sounds low to me- or course, this is a personal thing). I’m VERY spendthrift and my husband loves spending money on random chotschkies (dvds, video games) that I just don’t get- it brings him enormous amounts of happiness… and I just don’t understand it. Whether he was employed or unemployed, as long as it stayed under $300/mo (and I do check), I leave him to it. More than that, I ask him to slow his roll, which he understands means that larger purchases should be left for bigger occasions (birthdays, bonuses… etc).
            I do think the lying/hiding comes from a place of shame- I think for a lot of men, having a job and providing for your family is deeply tied up in their idea of masculinity— so I’d tread lightly, even while being firm and demanding answers, even if you are angry, you never know when the tables might be turned and you might be the unemployed one.

          • Anon

            It’s $9,000, which I know IS a lot, but probably not a homelessness-causing amount.

    • Anon

      So… I agree with the others that you really need to see what he’s spending it on and have more information.. and I don’t want to jump to conclusions… but the first thing that came to my mind was gambling, not girls. Does he gamble? It is not unheard of for someone to rack up this type of debt playing online poker. It would also be consistent with him not leaving the house and being bored while he’s unemployed. It also would not be surprising if his dad’s financial issues came from a gambling problem.

      • Anon

        Yep, gambling and specifically online poker was my first thought as well. I know several men who got deep into online poker while struggling with being unemployed. A lot of us know a friend of a friend who has (allegedly) been successful at online poker, so I think a lot of people see it as a way they can potentially earn money and help the family (as well as an outlet for boredom).

    • Anon

      This sounds like financial infidelity. What would you do if he was cheating on you? I’d have a consultation with a lawyer and see if he is willing to go to couples therapy. If he isn’t willing to go to therapy, I’d want a legal separation.

      • Anon

        OMG, financial infidelity? That’s not a thing. While I do think what he’s doing is very serious and harmful to their marriage, we don’t need to drag the language of adultery into financial doings.

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      It seems like you to talk about a lot of things, likely before therapy, separation, or divorce.

      You need to have a conversation with him about what he is spending 200-600 a month on, and what sort of spending resulted in the 9k balance and over what amount of time. I don’t think any of this is necessarily out of control spending. A lot of people charge more than 600 a month a card for living expenses, like groceries, gas, stuff for kids, etc.

      You also need to have a conversation about his employment status if you aren’t doing that already. If you are working a full-time job and side gigs, your family is feeling financial strain, and he is unemployed, it seems like it is time for him to find A job even if it is just for income until he finds something more in line with what he wants to do.

      And you need to talk about why he felt it necessary to conceal this card from you, and what you both can do to prevent things like this from happening in the future. Have you talked about what accounts each of you have, regardless of whose name(s) they are in, and what they are used for? Lots of couples have separate credit cards or other accounts, but you should know what they all are.

    • Ellen

      Do you know what he is using the card for? My ex had a card that he used to buy stuff for himself and go out drinking with, and I did NOT like him doing that. I was initially worried he was using it for other women, but then I figured that no women would ever be interested in him, so I stopped worrying. Now I wished I just had dumped him earlier.

  4. coffee

    I have a new employee who is great, except that she drops by my office constantly and wants to check in and chat — like first thing in the morning when I walk in, after meetings, before she leaves for the day, etc. It feels like she’s listening for me to walk in my office and then she pounces. I don’t want to discourage her from asking questions, as she’s new both to this office and this profession, but how can I politely cut this back? It’s like she wants to debrief every little part of her day because it’s all fun and new, and I just don’t have the energy (or the need) for that. Polite suggestions on how to phrase this without totally bursting her bubble?

      • Senior Attorney

        I was just going to post this. Key sentence, in my view: “If you ever find yourself feeling annoyed or frustrated with someone you manage, take that as a flag for yourself that you need to give clearer feedback about whatever is producing the frustration.”

    • Anonymous

      Can you close the door and hang a sign? Have a longer sit-down meeting where you tell her that it sounds like everything’s going great, and you don’t need daily debriefings “anymore”?

    • AFT

      I probably have been/am? that employee. I would totally respond well to “Good question! Can I come find you to discuss later this morning? I need to get ready for a call/check my email/etc.” As long as you’re able to get with her later and answer questions, I don’t think it’s problematic to say “not now”

    • Anon

      Set up a regular time for a morning check in and one at the end of the day. Say 15-30 minutes each until she’s up to speed. Ask her to write down her questions as they come up and save them for the meetings.

      You can’t not meet with her – she is new and you still have to train her – but by putting the meetings at regular times you just put some structure around it.

      • anon

        This. Maybe not twice a day but I’d say at least a few times a week, not just once per week (as I think the AAM article suggested).

    • Anonymous

      My boss and I have a fantastic relationship. He basically told me from the very beginning not to do this. I mean, of course a quick “Hi, how are you, we haven’t chatted for a while, what’s new?” is encouraged (like once every week or two). And if I have real questions, sure. But I’m very much expected to attempt to figure stuff out on my own first. And he’s very upfront about that. I honestly think you can be blunt. 9:34 Anon had a good script, but since I am pretty blunt myself, I might go further. And keep your door closed.

    • westernisland

      Could it also be that your new employee needs more work? We have a similar situation in my office and the offender is an extrovert who hasn’t been given enough work yet.

  5. Anon

    I have started to concealed carrying a pistol every time I am out since this Monday. I got my CCL along with my GLOCK 19 pistol and Safariland 7053 shoulder holster last week. I’m a bank manager and I have received multiple death threats in the past couple of months so I decided to take action to protect myself. I usually wear a suit (or at least a blazer) every time I leave home so I bought a relatively big pistol to carry under my shoulder.
    I know this is gonna be controversial but I want to tell everyone here that it’s your right as a US citizen to use a firearm to protect yourself. Use it if you need to.

    • Anon

      I’m just curious. The gun you mentioned is not small. What blazer do you wear to conceal it?

      • Anon

        +1 And also totally trying to stir up controversy. There is obviously no other reason for this post.

      • Inspired By Hermione

        This post is bizarre and I think it’s the same blazer person with just a different spin. No one that lives in the US needs to be told it’s our “right” to carry a gun. Seriously. We all know, we hear it every single time someone shoots up a school or a movie theater or a mall. So, kindly, go jump off a cliff.

    • Leatty

      I’m sorry to hear you are concerned for your safety. A couple of thoughts: (1) your company may not allow you to concealed carry at work (the bank I work for prohibits it); (2) if you are concerned for your safety at work, you should speak to your employer so it can take additional safety measures if needed; and (3) if you have not already, contact the police about the death threats.

        • anonshmanon

          I get the concept of self defense. But bringing a deadly weapon into a crowded place where you know others could get maimed – is now a moral right?

          • Inspired By Hermione

            ‘Merica. 2A! A well armed militia! It’s their right! Self defense! Libs just want to roll over and die rather than protecting themselves. Something something something MAGA.

      • Anon

        I keep my gun in car if I am at my office. The local law enforcement is looking into this right now. But I’m afraid that not enough.

        • Anonymous

          Honestly, your employer ought to be concerned about an incident on its property, so bring it to their attention.

    • coffee

      Chiming in to say good for you. I support any efforts women decide to take to feel more safe. Ignore the inevitable haters.

    • Suburban

      Where are you getting your blazers/suits? I’m fairly petite so maybe something that works on a troll could also work for me?

    • Vicky Austin

      Sorry, but I think this is the tr0ll. Including a link to Brooks Brothers in Vogue is not new (I can’t get today’s to work, but it was another link to BB in Vogue to ask if their outfit was too overdressed for their first day as a manager). “I have started to concealed carrying” sounds like “I just keeping telling them that I am okay” from yesterday’s headache post – same usage of the present progressive.

    • anon

      “I want to tell everyone here that it’s your right as a US citizen to use a firearm to protect yourself. Use it if you need to”

      You know, I don’t inherently disagree with this but what rock are you living under where this message *hasn’t* been shouted from the rooftops in our country’s social and political discourse ad nauseum? This is not news.

    • Anonymous

      This is insane. The rest of us get moderated for using the name of the website and this troll gets through? Kay, what are you doing?

    • Anon

      I can’t imagine that any bank or corporate office allows random non-guard people to carry weapons inside, so maybe your next fake post should be about how you’ve been persecuted by your employer because you’ve been fired for violating company rules.

    • anon

      No question here, just “bragging” that you are concealed carry? I don’t care enough to discuss it with you and if I did it wouldn’t be a positive response. It’s concealed, keep it to yourself. And follow ALL of the rules (of your workplace, etc.) and laws, not just the ones you like/agree with.

      • Anon

        Oh but dontcha know it’s her right and moral obligation as a good American to secretly carry a killing machine with her everywhere. Who cares about rules?

  6. Jitters?

    NYC here – my husband and I just put an offer in on an apartment. I’m freaking out a little bit…is this normal or should I be very catious about spending so much $$$ right now (is the market going to crash / will I be stuck in the house with the payment forever / will I regret this totally in a year)?

    We are high earners and make 80% of what the apartment costs. It’s a co-op with reasonable fees, so the total payment will be less than our current rent. It’s a fixer upper so we will sink the equivalent of my bonus (which I receive on Friday) into renovations but think we would make about that in increased purchase price (as long as the market is stable, which it may not be).

    My biggest fear is that I’ll decide I hate my job, quit, and want to move back to the midwest in a year, but won’t be able to get out of the apartment except at a huge loss, so will blow my down payment fund on a NYC apartment I don’t want instead of investing it in a huge house in mpls in five years. Thing is, I love my job, I love New York, and I can’t imagine moving right now. Soooooo.

    • Abby

      Congrats! From what you’ve described, this sounds like a smart financial investment, and you have clearly thought out all the numbers to work. You’re not stuck in a place you buy forever, it just will take more time to sell if you do want to move, but the same thing can be said about a lease, most of them are not month to month. This is exciting, I had the same feeling when we bought our house, that downpayment check is large!

      • Congratz

        +1 to this and I’m sure the cost of my home isn’t even as much as your’s OP!

        Get excited! It sounds to this internet stranger that you’re making a great life choice and you are ignoring how much you will love your place. Get yourself jazzed up, tell us about it! What neighborhood are you buying in? Are you excited to find your local coffee shop/restaurant/bar (if you don’t know it already). Great job on finding a place with reasonable fees (seriously I don’t understand how anyone buys in NYC when the HOA fees are more than the mortgage. what exactly do those fees pay for?)

    • anon

      Cold feet is the most normal feeling in the world immediately after making an offer on the house. Don’t worry, it will pass. Your investment seems very sound, and if your worst case scenario comes to pass (which would also require a sudden market downturn), then you can rent it out for a few years. No reason to think that you’d have to sell at a huge loss.

    • SSJD

      This reaction sounds normal to me! It’s so nerve-wracking. Sounds like you’ve made a reasonable decision, but it is so scary to put a lot of money into a property. It doesn’t stop feeling scary each time (but it will feel normal soon about this property and you’ll be ready to breath again). Good luck!

    • Senior Attorney

      If you weren’t having second thoughts/cold feet/cold sweats, I don’t think you’d be normal. I’ve purchased several properties and never once slept the night after the offer was accepted.

  7. Miami Rec

    My college group of friends (8 women, one man) are doing a group weekend in Miami the first weekend in April. We’re staying in South Beach – any good suggestion on fun lunch spots, cool bars, etc.? We’re a bit mixed when it comes to finances (some are teachers not making a ton in HCOL cities, others are attorneys/have more corporate jobs), so nothing crazy expensive.

    • Patricia Gardiner

      No experience – just wanted to say I saw you’ve posted this multiple times and I’m sorry you’re not getting recommendations! I guess it’s not a ‘r*tte hotspot!

    • Anon

      My favorite place in Miami is Broken Shaker and 27 restaurant. Also, I think Matador was a good lunch/brunch spot.

    • christineispink

      Yardbird for brunch/anytime. They have a sister restaurant (also fried chicken) in NYC and I prefer Yardbird. As of last year, they do take reservations via OpenTable.

    • South Beach

      I like Dolce for dinner and Fish (Loews) for Happy Hour. Also love Taquiza (incredible tacos in a garage under a hostel) for lunch or a snack!

    • Ray

      I like the bicycle bar crawl through Wynwood (you get to play your own music). Wynwood is great for food and art. 1-800-Lucky is an Asian food hall. Empanadas at Charlotte’s Bakery near S. Beach. Cuban food from Puerto Sagua. Drag Brunch at the Palace (food is menh, but it’s bottomless Mimosas and an entertaining show). Co-sign Yard Bird. Otherwise, I think the beach and day drinking are the course.

  8. Anon

    Tips for things to do that actually give you more energy? I’ve been more tired than usual but have been sleeping / exercising / eating relatively normally. Is there a magic (metaphorical) pill that I’m missing? Drink more water? Eat more iron? Any tips for things that have actually made a difference for people?

    • Junior Associate

      Vitamin B, C, D, and magnesium supplements.

      Not a magic pill, more of a keep-me-afloat-and-out-of-the-hospital-until-I-close-this-crazy-90 hours-a-week-deal-in-two-weeks combination (works for me).

      • KS

        It is amazing how low Vitamin B and D specifically, can make you feel. And I fall victim almost annually. I have been WIPED and turns out my vitamin D level was 8. 8!!!

    • Anon

      Starting a vitamin made a huge difference for me. I’m not sure if it was low iron or low Vitamin D or low Vitamin C or what (I couldn’t find a doctor who cared to check, they’d just tell me to sleep more and eat better). But when I started a vitamin (initially a prenatal because I was TTC, then eventually a regular multivitamin after giving birth) it was like I was a new person. I could feel rested on less than 10 hours of sleep and I hardly ever got sick.

    • Anon

      Agree with vitamins. Generally carbs/sugar/food treats only make me feel more in a slump and having high protein snacks and eating clean(er) actually makes a difference you can feel within a day. Also rooibos, lemon, or ginger tea later in the day when you don’t want caffeine is helpful. You said you’ve been sleeping regularly but are you actually getting enough sleep? Do you have huge swings in your bed and wake up times? I think unplugging and going to bed early (if you can) is key. Finally, this week with day light savings may also not be the best week to judge your energy by or you may be fighting something off in which case ACV, green tea, and immune-boosting foods could help!

    • arya

      Could you be iron deficient? Or B-something deficient? Don’t start iron supplements without talking to a doctor though.

    • Inspired By Hermione

      Vitamin D. Lots of women are low on it (but obviously talk to your doctor!)

    • Carbs

      When I started counting macros and learning about roughly (I can now estimate it) how many carbs I need throughout the day, it was a huge game changer. I stopped being exhausted all the time.

  9. Anon for this

    Super Philly-specific dry cleaner question… there are like 10 dry cleaners within a 2 block radius of 19th & Market. Anyone have a favorite? Not looking for anything special like complicated alterations, though bonus if that’s available, since from time to time I do tailor things.

    • Anon

      My boyfriend goes to one in Fairmount. 22nd and green I think? Not helpful, but Philly-rettes unite! Thankfully I avoid dry clean only options like the plague.

      Question for you: best place to get shoes repaired same zone?

      • Anon for this

        I go to a total hole in the wall on 17th b/n Market and Chestnut, but they do a good job resuscitating! It’s technically in the little alley that runs between 17th & 18th — faces the sculptures in front of Duane Morris.

    • east coaster

      I have been bringing stuff to ye olde cleanery for alterations and… I think it’s kind of expensive? $13 to hem pants? Following this thread now to see if I can get a better deal.

      • anon

        Ugh. I live in a non-coastal city and paid $20 to get non-lined pants hemmed last week. I don’t wear work clothing much since I started working from home and though I was just out-of-touch with the price of such things.

      • anon0313

        Ya, $13 is a steal! I paid $20 10 years ago in Boston and I think $15-20 is about the going price in most cities.
        FWIW, if you want to learn, hemming pants is insanely easy– but even at that and with my own sewing machine, I just bring it to the pros.

      • Anon

        Just curious, how much do you think it should cost to hem pants? $13 seems pretty reasonable to me.

  10. Varsity Blues

    OMG — yesterday I had no words.

    Today — just a question for all you lawyers and higher ed people. How do you think they got caught?

    A really clueless kid keeps showing up for water polo practice? The kid who had their body photoshopped with someone else’s head is also on the same team and speaks up? A jealous assistant coach notices the other assistant coach’s new Lexus and fancy condo and starts nosing around? Someone’s kid insists on taking the ACT herself and the tutor is amazed at how her score improved by 6 points when she retakes it in Texas?

    I want to know; reading the indictment was an amazing rabbit hole but now I have so many more questions.

    And what happens to the guy at Wilkie? And why didn’t anything happen to William H Macy (yet) — is it b/c the moms usually get stuck with all of this school stuff???

    • Anon

      Attorney. My guess on how they got caught: a small number of people got massive piles of cash (and checks). These college coaches and administrators were pulling down hundreds of thousands of dollars per year via the bribes and kickbacks, and someone noticed – the IRS, a colleague, a neighbour – that their income and lifestyle was wildly out of proportion with their jobs.

      This also may have turned up in audits of the tax implications of the donations. One family used money from their own family foundation (the Meyer Foundation) to pay the “charity.” Another family wrote it off as a business expense for “consulting fees.” The foundation itself received and dispensed huge amounts of cash, but had no promotional materials, mission (except to help disadvantaged kids get into college – what a hoot), spending on its actual mission, etc. A cursory look into the foundation’s income and distributions would who a rather gruesome pattern. From there, you lean on people (CW1 and CW2), get everyone on tape, and blow it up.

      I’m just amazed at how long they took to get this done and how they managed to keep it all under wraps. Huge props to the team for a job well done.

    • Enquiring Minds....

      The Main Suspect said his “foundation” that was a front got audited. Not sure if that’s how he got caught, but wasn’t he the Cooperating Witness?
      I too have a lot of questions!!

      • Anonymous

        Somewhere it said that they discovered this as an incidental finding for another investigation.

    • Anon

      I read that the FBI was investigating something totally unrelated and while interviewing someone for that, received a tip about the scam. From there they got the main guy (CW1) and his right hand man (CW2) and everything flowed from that. I would love to know who the tipster was!

    • mascot

      I don’t think we will find out what initially set this off- the reports right now indicate that the FBI stumbled on this accidentally while working an unrelated undercover investigation. Then is was simply a matter of flipping a few folks (Singer, etc) and having them act as confidential informants. For the guy at Wilkie- fraud is a crime of moral turpitude and this is a felony charge. I think he’s looking at suspension/disbarment if he gets a plea or a conviction. Maybe he comes back from it, maybe not.

    • Anon

      In the complaint, the ringleader of the scam tells the parents that the “charitable foundation” is being audited by the IRS. He was cooperating with the FBI at that point, so it might be a cover story but it could also be the truth. I think a fair amount of criminal activity is caught through IRS audits.

      • anon a mouse

        All the more reason that the IRS needs to be well-funded. The amount of white-collar, high-earner fraud that goes on is staggering. (See: The Chickensh*t Club book.)

    • Anon

      My daughter plays a competitive club and high school sport. For a variety of reasons she decided not to go for college recruitment but a good number of her teammates are on that path. To be one of those girls who just missed getting a spot and then to hear that some of the coveted spots went to rich kids who never played the sport…. well it has been devastating.

      I don’t EVER want to hear anyone complain about affirmative action taking spots away from “deserving” students when it is clear that this happens on the other end of the income spectrum. And this is the tip of the iceberg. They made it clear that they’re not looking into more traditional methods of rich people influencing admissions through large donations directly to the schools, ala Jared Kushner and Harvard.

      Disgusting.

      • Anonymous

        This has absolutely nothing to do with affirmative action. Not all white people are rich and dishonest, so this scandal doesn’t balance out the harm from racial preferences.

        Signed, I was a poor white kid whose affluent minority college roommates got admissions preferences and free tutoring just for being non-white

        • Anon

          LOL – the power structure still favors white people. Don’t throw a pity party for yourself.

          • Anonymous

            I got in because I had 99th-percentile SAT scores and a year’s worth of AP credits. My roommates were both failing chemistry even with tutoring. So…

          • Anon

            Being poor (especially coming from a poor area, or family who doesn’t expect you to succeed) is not easy. I don’t understand why women here – all of whom are very comfortable – like to bash poor whites and tell them how “privileged” they are.

          • Anon

            I was poor. A full financial aid kid with zero contribution from parents. I paid hefty student loans until I was 35. I get it. But it didn’t make me hate on students of color and assume that was why they got in.

          • Anon

            Pugs, if you want to tell poor, struggling people that they are privileged, you can be hateful like that.

          • anon

            Anon @ 12:16- Because “privilege” when used in this context does not mean “has wealth and material goods.” I know that I personally have said that over and over again here, including a few days ago. This concept isn’t difficult to grasp. 2 seconds of googling will reveal that to you. Also, no one’s “bashing” poor whites.

          • Anonymous

            I think that a poor first generation student has a lot more in common with poor first generation students of all races than with these knuckeheads.

            For instance, they might be worried that they can’t bluff their way into claiming to be sailing team recruits b/c they don’t sail whereas these idiots were all “OMG this will help me be a better IG influencer.”

          • Anon

            I am Anon at 12:23. Full financial aid. Father was dying of cancer while in college. Mother was an alcoholic trying to hold us all together. I am white. I am privileged. I know this.

          • anon

            “Pugs, if you want to tell poor, struggling people that they are privileged, you can be hateful like that.”

            No. You need to google what “privilege” means. Stop with the straw man argument. People have explained this to you over and over again. Note: acknowledging that poor white people benefit from white privilege does not require the conclusion that they have never struggled or worked hard or that they are wealthy or that being poor is not difficult. Okay?

        • Midwesterner

          How do you know they received admissions preferences? I have no idea what my college roomates’/friends’ grades or test scores were.

          • Anonymous

            We talked about it. Not exhaustively. I went to a state school in non-NJ and the consensus was that girls from NJ had the highest scores of anyone at the school. The rationale was that there were tens of thousands of nice white girls just like them and that even if they were HYP qualified, they wouldn’t all get admitted and seem relatively fungible to admissions people. So they go to various really good schools throughout the US where they go back to being at the top of a new food chain.

        • Anonymous

          I agree, this has nothing to do with affirmative action, and it is not about people who make donations to schools.
          It is also not about people whose children get preferential treatment because their parent works at a a school.
          This is about people who committed a crime — maybe bribery, racketeering, or mail fraud. They got caught. They happen to be rich and / or famous people, which makes it more interesting and satisfying.

          They’ve been publicly shamed, will pay fines or serve time, lost jobs, and their kids may resent them forever. Actions have consequences. I am not going to see this as some big moral statement on affirmative action, or college costs, or class in the US or anything more than some very fortunate people committed a very stupid crime and will pay the price — as they should

      • busybee

        Admittedly I haven’t read a ton about this, but I’m confused about the sports stuff. If you’re playing a competitive sport in college, you’re presumably at a pretty high level. Wouldn’t it be incredibly obvious to everyone on the team that rich-kid-scammer doesn’t play the sport? How did they get away with this? Did USC (and other schools) not track the performance of their recruits after they were admitted? Did Lori Loughlin’s daughter actually show up at crew practice, or did she disappear from the crew radar once she was admitted? Sorry if those are dumb questions; I know nothing about the world of college athletics.

        • Former college athlete

          This was my question, too! But I think what happened is — the coaches (who were bribed) recommended to admissions that a certain student be admitted based on their athletic accomplishments, and admissions deferred to the coaches. This is what happened for me at Georgetown — I was an otherwise pretty good candidate, but I know the coach for the sport I would have played talked to the admissions team, and I was accepted (I was also accepted to good schools that I would not have played for, like Notre Dame, just for full disclosure). But I almost definitely did not get into Gerogetown “on my own” (I did not attend). In these cases, I assume the coach never contacted the student, and the student wouldn’t have shown up to practices after the coach spoke with admissions.

        • Anonymous

          I think that they got “injured” over the summer and/or had plantar fasciitis or otherwise couldn’t play.

          One kid seemed to get confused by e-mails from athletics that they not sign up for Friday classes due to team travel and were all “what team???” and b/c they are idiots went to their parents (who then were taped asking the guy).

          • busybee

            I read up a little more. The coaches were also involved. Makes much more sense now–the rest of the team had no idea.

    • Anonymous

      They reported this. A witness in a separate investigation told them this was happening.

    • anon

      What gets me is that for the most part, it seems like most the kids weren’t aware they’re parents were buying their accomplishments all along. I can’t imagine what a mind trip this must be for them. Ironically, these parents were committing immoral acts in the name of trying to set up their kids for life, and as a result, many of these families are going to be separated, break up, etc. Loughlin’s daughter sounds like a spoiled piece of work, but I wonder about the others.

      Dumb question, but do the students get to stay at the schools that admitted them?

      The whole thing is just gross — what freaking terrible people, all around.

      • anon

        Geez, forgive all my typos. Daylight saving time is doing a number on my mental capacity!

        • Anonymous

          Re the kids, unless they are so millenial that their parents credibly did all the work and they never looked at it (possibly for one the Loughlin daughers), I think they are fraud perpetrators, too. I had to physically sign my application saying that it was true (and then mail it, but I am an Old). I couldn’t lie about my SAT (which I took) or grades. I couldn’t say that I grew up on the mean streets of Newark when I am from West Orange, etc.

          I went to a college with an honor code where if you lie, cheat, or steal, you get kicked out. Period.

          I say they should all be kicked out. Or at least have to re-take their tests and re-apply.

          • Anonymous

            To anon @ 10:56, there are plenty of non-military schools with the same honor code.

          • Anon

            My (fancy) law school had this honor code. We actually had a student get kicked out two weeks before graduation because he lied on his application. (His future employer had found out about it and contacted the school.)

          • Anonymous

            Different anon from 10:44 and 10:56, but yeah, I’m a General too (the school, not the military). Single sanction is no joke.

          • Anon

            I’m the Anon at 10:56. In this context, it was a reference to W&L, not military schools.

            Single-sanction was a big part of why I chose it, and I really think it had a positive influence on the campus environment.

          • emeralds

            Ugh, I’m a Hoo and I despise the single sanction. (Speaking of racially biased policies…)

      • Anonymous

        I definitely feel really bad for the kids who didn’t know. I handled my college applications myself (and made a lot of dumb first-gen mistakes, for what it’s worth), but I took some of the less frequently offered standardized tests in a room full of good students from a wealthy school district whose parents and guidance counselors had handled everything (good students do what they’re told). Some of them were curious which test they were taking that day (I assume they still did well since they genuinely attended a good school). We can argue about whether that’s how kids should be raised, but it’s not because they were bad kids that they didn’t know; it’s because they were cooperative and compliant.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t feel bad for them — it looks like they knew and were complicit.

          What I feel bad about is how fully-documented it is that their parents knew all the private school tuition still produced an unmarketable product. That has got to hurt.

    • anonshmanon

      What I am puzzled about is the motivation. I know there is prestige in the school you went to, but you also need to work hard to graduate and for these kids, this stacks on the huge leg up that they likely have already from their parents’ connections. If they just want a good job, they’d presumably get it because of connections. If they are so smart and ambitious to want an exceptional job (or the parents want that), couldn’t they get some better high school grades?
      So how in the world do you decide it’s a good investment to drop a million just to get your kid into Yale?

      • anon

        Right. It sounds like these kids would’ve been out of their league and wouldn’t have done particularly well academically. But they’re well-connected, so why couldn’t they have entered less prestigious schools and just worked the connections after graduation?

        I suspect that some of these students weren’t highly motivated at all, and this was their parents’ Hail Mary attempt to motivate them to do better?

        • Anonymous

          Why not just go to a party school?

          If my parent were that rich, not sure why I’d go to Yale, etc. when I could just party down somewhere fun with better weather. It’s not like my life result would change based on my college. And it’s like like these kids were going to major in math or physics or something with a career path. Those Laughlin girls weren’t going to become CPAs.

          • Anon

            lol USC is a party school. It was pretty clear that Loughlin and her husband wanted their daughters to go to SC for the status and the alumni connections, not to learn math or physics.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, Lori Loughlin and her husband paid $500k to get her daughters designated as crew recruits so they could get into USC as athletes.

          • Anonymous

            My sense is that USC is the west coast NYU — lots of rich people paying full freight for film school, partying, etc. and maybe that cross-subsidizes lots of scholarships?

            IDK why you’d go there over UCLA (or other CA schools like UCB and Stanford). IDK why University of San Diego is in there.

            I want to be the sort of rich person who does not go to college or like one of the Miller Sisters who took art history classes at NYU.

            FWIW, I bet all of these kids went to pricey private schools starting in K — I feel like the parents maybe should have gotten refunds. Why bother with private school if you are still having to bribe the colleges?

          • Celia

            University of Spoiled Children –aka USC. A lot of the legacies at USC probably wouldn’t have gotten in on their own merits.

            I went to a college with a very strict honor code as well. Unmonitored final exams, hardly any locked doors, etc. I knew two people in my freshman year who had to leave because of honor code violations.

          • Senior Attorney

            Right? The USC thing just baffles me. Committing a federal crime and spending six figures to cheat your kid’s way into USC? It was already known as “University of Spoiled Children!”

          • Anon

            I am in the midst of college apps for my daughter right now and am a Californian, so can speak to some of this.

            You cannot “just” go to UCLA or UC Santa Barbara. Those schools are incredibly difficult to get into, doubly hard if you are a Californian paying in-state tuition. UC decisions for fall 2019 have not come out yet, but last year there were SEVERAL seniors at my kids’ high school with > 4.0 and very high SAT/ACT scores that got into Ivies but not UCLA, not UC Davis, and not Cal Poly. It is incredibly obnoxious but it is our reality.

            UCLA is many of my daughter’s friends’ top pick but they know it’s unlikely they will get in. USC is one of the backups, hoping they can get some decent scholarship money and maybe help from the grandparents. (None of our friends are in the college admissions bribery income tier.)

            USC has the reputation of being a party school and university of spoiled children, but as the UCs have become more difficult to get into for bright Californians, USC has also had more demand and has become harder.

            The number one selling point for USC is the connections you make there, unlike the UCs.

          • Anonymous

            Totally respecting Kourtney Kardashian at the moment. University of Arizona, which is not only fun, but in a beautiful area.

          • Seventh Sister

            USC has gotten harder to get into at the undergrad level. I was in law school there @ 20 years ago, and they were practically throwing money at talented undergrads with good grades and scores (several of my close friends had gone there for undergrad due to $). Its ranking/reputation on the undergrad level has ticked upward, and there is tremendous regional interest as well as relatively new OOS interest. And it’s still a Division I school with lots of parties, just like it was in 1995.

            The grad schools are a different ball of wax (much harder to get into), but do benefit A LOT from the connections/alumni network in the area. One thing that adds to that is that USC is a large employer which offers tuition discounts to its employees (who are then tremendously motivated to get their kids into USC).

          • anon0313

            Just gonna add some add’l info about USC. When I applied there 15+ years ago, they were known to be one of the only schools that would give smart, but middle-class kids, good scholarships, so lots of my peers applied there (because as someone above pointed out, getting into UCs, esp UCLA/CAL, is very competitive). USC knows how to work the ratings game and has come up a lot in the ranked in the early 2000s, it was ranked 31, now it is ranked at 22… I didn’t go there, but it is a competitive school to get into at this point.

        • Anon

          Do you think admission is the end point of parental “help”? I sincerely doubt that’s it. There is certainly a lot of financial influencing during college, from legitimate tutoring to bribed cheating on tests.

          • Housecounsel

            Why would someone go to USC rather than UCLA or Berkeley? Well, my kid got into USC (on her own merits, thank you very much) but denied from UCLA and waitlisted at Berkeley. IT is REALLY hard for out of state kids to get into the CA state schools.

          • Seventh Sister

            A few more points – USC’s alumni network is pretty robust, especially in Southern California. My friends who went to UCLA and other UCs definitely complain that they don’t have the same kind of network. As an East Coast snob who moved to CA, some of the “USC is a dumb party school” stuff is East Coast snobbery (because if you don’t have snow and suffering how can it be *real* college?). People in CA often think of it as a school full of reasonably bright/savvy rich kids who make bunches of money in real estate or go into their dad’s business.

            It’s really tough to get into any of the UCs, especially as an in-state student because they are so dependent on international and out-of-state students for funding.

      • anon

        I wondered about this too. With the kind of money they have, they can afford to send their children to a decent liberal arts school. May not have the same prestige as the schools mentioned, but you can still get a great education. And you’re right; they still have to work hard to graduate and they’ll likely have other connections for jobs.

        • Ugh

          I am a little shocked at the naivete on this board. There are many law firms, prestige consulting firms, federal judges, etc. who won’t look at you unless you went to an Ivy. A “decent” liberal arts school is not going to cut it. I find the whole thing so revolting, but I perfectly understand why these parents wanted their kids to get into Stanford. It is a brand you carry with you for life and opens many doors, for better or for worse. To be honest, I had a harder time understanding Loughlin, who spent hundreds of thousands to get their kid into USC. For that money, wouldn’t you shoot for Harvard?

          The whole thing makes me sick.

          • Anon

            You’re talking about law school. You can go to a liberal arts college, or even a state university, and still get into Harvard Law School. Same thing with med, business, grad school. I think the prestige of your advanced degree matters a lot more than the prestige of your undergrad degree.

          • Anonymous

            It can make a difference, but not as much as those schools want us to think. When I look at the fanciest houses in my fancy ‘hood, they fly these flags:
            Clemson
            USC (the SEC school in South Carolina)
            TCU
            Wake
            UVA
            UNC

            I know one Princeton guy (just a sticker on his car) and a couple Harvard people and while they are all “successful,” they aren’t the wildly successful ones. And they are just as “basic” successful as graduates of other schools like Ohio State, GW, W&L, VMI, Va Tech, Davidson, Bucknell, Texas, UMASS, UCONN, and Miami of Ohio. You are what makes the difference.

          • Anonymous

            I had an interesting conversation with my co workers yesterday about this point. One of them said, “If I knew I hadn’t gotten into Yale on my own merits, I think I would just have been eaten up inside and wouldn’t have wanted to go, much less stayed. I have to imagine these kids feel the same way.” I responded with, “I agree – I too would likely have been eaten up by guilt. However, I don’t think everyone comes from a place where they feel that kind of guilt or responsibility – maybe they’re not designed that way or maybe the don’t grow up in a family who feels you have to truly “earn” everything. Maybe they had parents who were wheelers and dealers. At least some of these kids could just think “Cool. I got into Yale.. let’s do this!” and even if they don’t make it past freshman year, may be crafty/cunning/fill in your word choice here enough to leverage the Yale connections and go on to do just fine.” This absolutely blew my co worker’s mind that there are people out there who would do this – take advantage of their situation for their own gain. I am always in awe of people who don’t realize that some people are just wired to just take advantage of situations.

          • Anon

            Agree. For paralegals, Paul Weiss would not consider graduates from non-Ivies unless they have a perfect GPA + some connection to partner/hiring manager. This is for paralegals, and they still end up mostly hiring non-Ivies with family connections anyway! This just baffles me.

      • Wow

        Having gone to an Ivy and a non-Ivy for grad school and seeing first hand the impressions people have about both schools, there is an enormous advantage to having Yale or Harvard or Stanford on your resume. It’s huge. The assumption is that you are really smart, even if you aren’t. Several BigLaw firms told me point blank — we normally don’t recruit at your law school, but once we saw you went to fancy undergrad we decided to interview you. Not kidding. Never mind that some of the smartest people I know went to my non-fancy state law school…

        And it’s not at all hard to graduate — these schools make it nearly impossible to flunk out due to grade inflation. So you get in, you do average work and graduate, and you still get that fancy name on your resume for life.

        • Ivy grad

          + 1 not hard to graduate – you can easily coast at these top schools in an easy major and graduate.

          I know this first hand because I was very mediocre student at an Ivy and have done very well for myself. Caveat that I didn’t cheat to get in — I worked my butt off.

          • Anonymous

            Agree — these are communications majors. Not kids in the math, physics, or engineering departments.

            One kid featured on the Daily Mail is a spanish major at Georgetown and yet is getting investment banking internships (I am sure that due to parental connections though,not to Georgetown).

        • Anon

          This. I went to H/Y law, and a lot of law firm and judges hired based on where people went for undergrad. Even at an elite law school, whether you went to H/Y for undergrad really mattered.

          • Anon

            Really? I also went to H/Y law and found that most of my classmates got the kinds of clerkships/jobs they wanted based on their law school performance and connections, not their undergrad. Of course most of them went to HYS for college anyway, but the ones who didn’t didn’t seem to suffer on the job market at all.

      • Anon

        Ross Douthat has a very good take on that: we use college as a sign of elitism and merit. Therefore, buying their way into college is fundamentally different from influencing their way into a nice job or just giving them a big house: you are pretending that they have talent.

      • Anon

        I think there is a lot of that “oh well, johnny is really smart, he just doesn’t apply himself” talk surrounding these kids. And then, on the other side of the coin, you can get through college skating by depending on what you major in how chummy you are with your professors, how well you beg for extra credit.

      • Two Cents

        I am puzzled that you are puzzled. :) Assuming it’s important for the parents that their kids attend college, it makes perfect sense if you’re going to throw money and cheat, to get them into the “best” school. Stanford and Harvard have a huge brand name. Maybe these kids are so rich that they don’t need it, but if they’re going to go college might as well help them get into the fancy school.

        • Anon

          The indictments barely mention Harvard and Stanford though. I think there was one family out of 30+ who cheated to get their kid into Yale. Mostly it was people cheating to get into Georgetown, Wake Forest, UT -Austin, USC. They’re mostly good schools, some better than others, but they don’t carry the instant prestige factors of HYPS.

          • JuniorMinion

            Depends on geography. If you want to get a job in texas, UT and the UT alumni network will take you significantly farther than any Ivy league school. I spend a lot of time as an Ivy grad wishing that there was some stuff / significant presence somewhere other than NY / LA and that they did the kind of corporate outreach and frankly hustling that I watch UT do to help their alumni.

            I imagine Georgetown has similar relationships / weight in certain fields in DC.

        • Two Cents

          That’s a good point, I find it baffling that people would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to get into USC or similar schools. My colleague, who is Chinese, says that in Asian circles USC is called the University of Stupid Chinese.

      • Anonymous

        The Ivy degree is a piece of paper that can be pointed to every time the same kids are mediocre for the rest of their lives, whiling away their time in the jobs their connections got them, etc. I suspect it’s a great investment. It may still be, since if the same kids graduate, they can still say that they could handle the classes there. (Would the same parents have bought their students essays and term papers and entire dissertations from one of the many, many online services that offer unique, from-scratch academic writing? Maybe, but there’s less press coverage of that issue.)

        • anonshmanon

          Ugh, you make a good point, but still. Ugh at how this devalues the honest efforts of other kids.

        • Anonymous

          Thinking about it more, for all I know the cheaters look out for each other and have each others’ backs, if there are enough of them out there! Like a fraternity that does something embarrassing as a hazing ritual, if they talk, they could all end up in an elite solidarity club of their own.

    • Hypothesizing

      How they got caught: When there are this many people involved in something, it’s a lot of people that have to keep the secret. You’ve got 33 parents who paid bribes, 13 coaches who accepted bribes, two SAT/ACT administrators who accepted bribes, Singer the mastermind, and probably a smorgasbord of other people with knowledge. All of them are risks– any of them could say the wrong thing to the wrong person at any moment. However, even more likely is that they were detected due to the money. The amount of money being moved around in this case almost certainly triggered an investigation. Some people know, and some people don’t know, that any time you conduct a bank transaction greater than $10,000, the bank is required to file a SAR– a Suspicious Activity Report. This does not mean anything nefarious happened, but it does create a record of every transaction over $10,000. So if one of the test administrators or coaches strolled in with their $15,000 bribe and deposited it, the bank had to fill out a SAR. Investigators routinely review SARS because they often result in cases just like this one.

      Why nothing happened to Macy: I don’t think it’s per se because moms get stuck with this stuff. Both Lori Laughlin and her husband were charged. But I’m sure Felicity Huffman either signed the check, or sent the wire, or made the phone call, or did whatever criminal act is what got her indicted… and Macy didn’t. Not to say he didn’t “know,” but if he didn’t “do,” it’s hard to charge him.

      • Anon

        The complaint says Macy participated in recorded phone calls discussing the plans. Huffman sent emails about it, in addition to the calls, but I would think the phone calls would have been enough to charge him, so I’m curious why they didn’t. I’m not a criminal lawyer though.

        • Anonymous

          I’m guessing the phone calls were the ‘we should do xyz’ type discussion of what they might do in the future and the emails were the actual doing of it – ‘I’ll transfer you $$$ if you do ABC’

        • pugsnbourbon

          I read this morning that Macy was recorded on the calls related to their younger daughter only, and ultimately they didn’t go through with the plan for her. He wasn’t on calls for the older daughter’s scheme, on which they did follow through. I mean I’m sure he knew about it but they don’t have enough evidence to charge him.

          • Anonymous

            I bet that kid is all “yes, I am not the dumb one in the family” today. I wonder where she matriculated.

    • Anon

      To answer your question there was an IRS investigation and then there were wiretaps. FASCINATING WIRETAP CONVERSATIONS.

      https://news.vice.com/en_us/article/nex58b/9-wild-wiretapped-conversations-of-parents-trying-to-scam-their-kids-into-elite-colleges

      Can you imagine, prepping for an ACT class, taking a test, and then getting your score in the mail that was not actually yours, bragging to your friends about how good you did and then finding out that it was all a scam… and that you are not as smart as you thought… and that your parents were in on it! That would really really mess me up.

      • anon

        I really believe most of these parents have destroyed their relationships with their kids.

        • Anon

          If you read the complaint, it sounds like most of the kids knew. It mentions a few who didn’t (one kid who didn’t know he was a “track and field star” and a couple kids who didn’t know about the SAT cheating). But a lot of them definitely knew. Some of the fake athletes wrote essays about their alleged athletic accomplishments and it says some kids “gloated” about the SAT cheating with the person who was taking the test for them.

      • Anonymous

        I called up my parents and thanked them for their uninvolvement in my college application process (and every important life decision I’ve ever made). They told me what they were willing to pay (so I could apply to Princeton, but they wouldn’t fund it or sign for any loans) and left it at that. I never consulted them re anything. Once in a while my Dad would look over his paper and say something like “XYZ is a good school” (XYZ being sometimes Pitt, University of the South, etc.). B/c I knew everything, I ignored everything he ever said and applied to 4 schools (reject, waitlist, admit, full ride), went to one, and never doubted my ability to do a good-enough job. For that, I am eternally grateful. #thrivingonbenignneglect

      • anon a mouse

        I would LOVE to see David Simon explore this in a 3-season miniseries, but it’s probably not gritty enough.

        • Anon

          That just made me realize that I would also love a deep dive podcast about this, especially if they could get audio from the tapped calls.

        • Anonymous

          I want to see all of these families’ 2018 xmas cards with the “OMG Olivia Jade is thriving at USC” on it and then compare with what they send out for 2019 “Daddy got disbarred but he doesn’t look half bad in his mug shot” and “Look at mom’s lovely blow-out for her perp walk.” You know these are the Smugs who send out xmas letters that are excruciating. NOT ANYMORE!

    • Duchess

      Does anyone think the unrelated investigation is the pay to play in college athletics? It just seems like with the FBI investigating all of that, it would be so easy to stumble on this.

      • Housecounsel

        Check the stats on USC. While the social life may be robust, it is actually quite selective (in response to the snarky comment about “you have to cheat to get into USC?”

    • Anon

      I know everyone is shocked but I am not. I never was under the impression that college admissions were fair. This is just par for the course and an example of people taking privilege to the extreme.

      I wish we as a society stopped placing so much value on the prestige of colleges (I say this as someone who benefits greatly from this). Once you’re in a prestigious school it is very very hard to not graduate – prestigious schools don’t want dropouts.

      Placing so much emphasis on school prestige is literally valuing the “accomplishments” of a 17 year old, a lot of which is driven by things completely outside that 17 year olds control (access to tutoring, ability to volunteer rather than working part time, availability of AP courses, money/time to spend on “impressive” extra curriculars)

      • Anonymous

        But then how can we maintain our belief that we live in a meritocracy where equal opportunity can overcome all societal ills? We wouldn’t want to conclude that higher education rewards and advances the majority of students in terms of their social class , with exactly as many tokenized exceptions as are needed to maintain the perception that everyone’s success was earned.

      • Suburban

        This. Also, in my high school, the “honors” classes were based on “gifted” classes back in 3rd grade. They were weighted by 10% and if you weren’t in them by 9th you were locked out. Do if your mom didn’t help with third grade homework, no ivy for you.

        • Anon

          I agree with a lot of what’s been said here about privilege, but I don’t think most third graders get into gifted classes because their parents do their homework (to the extent third-graders even have homework). It’s usually test-based, I think I was identified as gifted based on what was essentially an IQ test. Not saying having affluent, educated parents doesn’t help but my parents didn’t cheat or buy my way into the program.

          • Anonymous

            Since we were kids, they say that “bright” kids have taken over the “gifted” kids’ spaces (I think these labels are so problematic, but there is a very big difference between what the different students need).

          • Anonymous

            Yes, “bright” kids have definitely taken over gifted kids’ resources, because screening tests and not diagnostic tests are used for identification and because it is “not fair” to dedicate resources to kids who are actually gifted.

          • Anon

            Not always the case. There are plenty of parents who “advocate” to get their kids into these programs. I’m still slightly bitter that I was originally not on the list for honors English in middle school until my mom intervened. There were initially a limited number of slots that had apparently been filled by PTA moms kids. I had a near perfect verbal score on the SAT so I have a hard time believing the kids on the list initially were there on merit alone. And I’m fortunate that my mom advocated for me. I’m not sure I would have been “right-tracked” without that intervention (maybe a teacher would have recommended I move classes, maybe not).

        • Seventh Sister

          I was really lucky that my high schools were willing to put me in honors classes, even though I wasn’t identified as gifted in early elementary school. I remember vividly being told by one of the “gifted” that she didn’t think I was very smart, and that was ALL the motivation I needed to try at break the curves/get the highest grades in each class during high school.

          My daughter was placed in the “gifted” program by her elementary school, and she’s definitely in the “bright” category. The names are super-problematic, but the school district doesn’t lock kids out of higher-level work based on testing.

      • Anon

        I’m in the same school of thought on this. I think what has been uncovered here is just a way more flagrant (and click bait worthy because: celebs!!) version of what happens all the time.

        My parents “bought” my way into the prestigious liberal arts school I went to because they could afford one-on-one tutors and SAT coaching for literally years before I took the test. They paid for all of my extra curricular fees and dues so that I had a well-rounded resume. Granted, I took advantage of what the opportunities they put in front of me and I worked my butt off to take full advantage and value from each. But, I think the concept is just the same… you have the money? You buy the things [bribery on one end of the spectrum or lots of SAT classes on the other] to get you in to the schools.

        • Anon

          Exactly this. I worked very hard to get into prestigious undergrad but I would not have gotten in if (1) I didn’t live in an affluent area that offered the number of AP classes I took, (2) my family could outsource a lot of chores so I could focus my time on sports, extra curriculars, volunteering, etc and (3) my family could afford for me to participate in particularly impressive/fancy extra curriculars that involved travel. I had to work hard and take advantage of those opportunities and of course there were lots of people who had more opportunities (like access to tutoring or hookups for prestigious internships) than I did and plenty of people have all the opportunities in the world and don’t take advantage. It’s still bunk to pretend that i was admitted on a level playing field.

          • Anon

            For what it’s worth, I had to work (and my job was a normal-kid job). I ran track, which was helpful because it met after school and a parent could pick me up after work. No one paid for SAT prep or tutoring; I took the SAT once and got a nearly perfect score. My town was described as “blue collar” by the HYP rep who came to our high school. I come from a big family, so I also spent a fair amount of time helping out with the little kids, and there wasn’t really bandwidth to shuttle me around to fancy internships.

            For college applications, my father handed me a check to cover the cost of a handful applications, and said it was on me to fill out the applications, send in the letters of recommendation, etc.

            I ended up being admitted to a very, very good school, but wiped out on the HYP/Williams/Swarthmore type schools. Ultimately, I couldn’t compete with kids whose parents sent them to fancy camps and had college counselors for them.

            But a certain class of privileged person looks at my SAT scores and thinks that I was handed a golden ticket to life. They don’t understand that some kids actually can just get a high-1500s score on their own. (I also passed two different bar exams without taking a prep class, which I couldn’t afford.)

    • pugsnbourbon

      I just finished the Theranos podcast and gotta say, I can’t wait for one on this whole mess.

      • KS IT Chick

        Part of me wonders if Elizabeth Holmes didn’t get her way bought in like this, given how unethical she was/is. It doesn’t come from nowhere, after all.

        • Anon

          Her father was a VP at Enron, her family has serious money, and she dropped out of chem-e.

          Entirely likely.

  11. Anon

    I’m moving to a new apartment soon, and want to redecorate my bedroom, including buying a new comforter or duvet set for a king bed. Do you have any favorite brands / stores / websites for this? Or love yours and want to share? There are so many options, and it’s hard to tell quality online (and I wanted to narrow down some options before started going to stores). If helpful, it’s a small-ish bedroom so I want something on the lighter color side, but not completely white. Thanks!

    • Junior Associate

      Sofitel Boutique online offers 600-thread count cotton bedding in a few colors including ivory, and offers king and super king size options.

      I bought mine after staying at the Sofitel Metropole in Hanoi, and have been happy with their quality these past few years (I got my most of my bedding for 30-40% off during SoBoutique’s occasional sales).

      • Katie

        I like the organic cotton options from West Elm. They usually have some that are light in color but not totally plain, so that might work for you.

      • Senior Attorney

        OMG I loved that hotel! Did you sit on the patio and watch the brides and grooms taking photos in the park across the street?

        • Junior Associate

          Oooh I loved the hotel but must have missed out on this! I spent most of my time lounging around the pool and sipping cocktails / taking naps inbetween reading a bunch of books. And trying out ALL the restaurants. Now I want to go back! :)

    • BB

      I like Pacific Coast Down, which also supplies a lot of hotels. I find their quality to be very high with reasonable prices. For the covers, I am a big fan of Yves Delorme. Catch one of their sales. Their sheets feel much better than anything I have ever had in even the fanciest hotel.

    • AnonLawyer

      This is not a particularly budget-friendly recommendation, but I love Yves Delorme. The quality is absolutely amazing — my duvet cover still looks brand new after ~8 yrs of sharing the bed with a shedding mutt and two kids who treat our bed as their personal bounce house.

        • AnonLawyer

          I only have duvet and sham covers, but you may have just convinced me to try the sheets…now, to stalk the sales!

    • Panda Bear

      If you like the look and feel of linen, I LOVE my Rough Linen duvet cover and sheets. Contrary to the name, the fabric actually becomes incredibly soft, almost velvety, after a few washes. I have the sheets in light grey and the St. Barts duvet cover in storm.

    • Ouch! That hurts

      Crane & Company … adore the zippered duvet covers as well as the Nova style which appears to be a top sheet folded down.

  12. Colorful Twin Beds Search

    I have a decorating question as well! Looking for colorful twin beds for shared toddler room. I really like the Land of Nod Jenny Lind beds, but not the current colors (think red, blue). I love the room and board options except they are made of powder-coated steel and that seems like an unnecessary hazard in a kids room. Any ideas? Checked target because they used to have the jenny lind bed but they only appear to have it in black or white now.

    • Delta Dawn

      I got two adorable matching twin beds from, not kidding, Walmart.com. They are navy upholstered with nailhead trim. No sharp corners. I think they came in other colors too.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Sorry if this question is silly, but does the *bed* itself have to be colorful? I redid Kiddo’s room about 4 months ago, and went with a white bed. It’s girly in shape, but it is easy to imagine it fitting in as her interests/tastes change. She really wanted “a purple bed with flowers and unicorns” but that was easily accomplished with the bedding (and the canopy – which is removable) and if in a few years she decides she’s more of a forest-animals/dark-colors kid, or whatever, switching out the linens will be much easier than changing a whole bed would be. (Then again, maybe don’t listen to me, because I’ve never owned an actual bed in my adult life — just the box spring on a little stand.)

      • OP

        So it’s a boy and girl with very different tastes sharing a room and their sheets will definitely be different – Their room is all sorts of colors and I thought it might be fun to do the beds? Also because so many white beds do look kinda girly? But apparently this is a bit crazy because it’s definitely hard to find!

        • Rainbow Hair

          What if you did something neutral like a pine colored wood bed, and then wacky sheets to show their styles?

          Something I considered for Kiddo was getting a simple white or wood bed and then using a stencil to paint something on it that she would like — for her it would’ve been flowers, but it could be anything.

        • Anonymous

          I have twin boys and just did white beds for both. They have individualized bedding based on their interests. It helps the room look more pulled together vs. two different beds and easy to change the bedding when their interests change.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Ooh IKEA has something called Minnen that comes in yellow, black and white.

  13. anon

    Does anyone take collagen supplements and what was your experience with them? I’m considering for vanity but also physical performance reasons

    • Anonymous

      Now this looks like more market research to me! Collagen is food. Just eat it! Why buy a supplement?

      • anon

        No, a friend suggested it and I tried some this morning and am seriously considering. Same reason that anyone takes vitamins? I’m also on the road a lot so not always fully in control of the food options available to me.

        • First Year Anon

          When you eat collagen your body doesn’t just take the collagen and put it into your joints or skin…it’s not how it works. When you ingest collagen supplements your body just breaks it down into the constituent amino acids. Which are the same 20 or so amino acids (in various permutations) that make up all proteins. Collagen supplements are a scam.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know about that. I’ve found that getting extra of individual amino acids does affect what my body ends up doing with them. And there’s plenty of research that supports this for other amino acids.

            Since I stopped being vegetarian, it’s important to me to eat “the whole animal.” I figure that helps me get gelatin/collagen, chondroitin, glucosamine, etc. I do supplement for my animals since the veterinarian recommended it for joint pain and stomach issues, and they only eat pet food. I realize animals are different from humans, but I like to think there isn’t as much of a placebo effect in veterinary medicine studies.

          • First Year Anon

            How do you know what your body does with them? If you were deficient in one of the essential AAs, then yes, getting the required daily amount will affect you. But generally speaking, in healthy adults, we can’t track where the AAs we ingest go in the body. There is no clinical trial evidence which causally links the use of collagen supplements and bone and tissue health. I am bit confused by your last paragraph though (I just mean, I dont understand what you are trying to explain- I am not criticizing your point), so I may be missing something here. As far as I know, there is no clinical evidence for these effects in animals, either.

            I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just think it’s helpful to have the scientific evidence out there.

      • Anon

        Supposedly collagen contains a lot of glycine and proline, which many people don’t get enough of, but that could also be fake paleo facts so who knows. If you don’t get enough of those mayyybe it would help. I do know that collagen is not a complete protein, so using it as a protein supplement isn’t ideal.

    • Enquiring Minds....

      What are physical performance reasons for collagen? Growing bone?

      • anon

        Apparently it helps build muscle mass (it’s basically protein) and is also good for joints. I’m a long distance runner and boxer, so muscle mass is good, and I’m forever concerned about the wear and tear of high impact sports on my joints.

      • Anon

        People with joint problems claim that it helps increase range of movement and decrease wear/pain issues.

  14. Anonymous

    If you were partner track and decided to not become partner, what made you decide that? Where did you go instead, or did you choose to be a counsel/non equity position instead? I lateraled to a firm last year and expect to be up for partner in two years, but I want to have my eyes open. Recently realized the firm has high turnover for females in general and at the associate and partner level. It’s not damning, but I want to ask the right questions and watch for things.

    • Anonymous

      IDK — as I got closer, I saw that plenty of partners aren’t rock stars or hitting it out of the park. If there was room for mediocrity (or competent non-rock stars), there was room for me.

      • Anonymous

        See Varsity Blues above — if you see what the managing co-chair at Wilkie does (gets indicted for fraud), surely you are partner material, too, no? The bar is just not that high.

    • Anon for this

      As I got closer, I realized the demands of partnership weren’t what I wanted for my life. Being a senior associate was demanding enough, but the expectations on junior partners are infinitely worse (or at least they were at my firm). And you effectively get a pay cut moving to partner. Those downsides don’t last forever but they certainly take up a good chunk of Life.

      Went in house. I’m no longer on edge if I forget to check my phone for a few hours on the weekend, etc etc, and relationships with family & friends vastly improved.

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      I got offered partnership as an incentive to stay when I decided to leave my prior big firm.

      I left anyways because I didn’t want to be at a big firm due to the nature of the practice and wanting to work less, I had been treated very (very) poorly by certain partners at the firm and felt I couldn’t trust them to treat me any differently in the future/make good decisions about the business, and junior partners had it very rough both in terms of bringing in business and personal finance issues. I was also unimpressed with some of the partners, both on a personal level and on a professional/intelligence level, and was concerned the firm was not financially healthy/going in the wrong directions.

      I moved to a boutique firm as a Counsel and would not have the same hesitations here if I was offered partnership.

  15. BWE

    The Husband and I are tentatively planning 5 days next month in California to see Yosemite, Sequoia, and maybe Eldorado. Any recs on things we must see / do? Thinking we’ll get an airbnb in the Fresno area as a home base and do day trips.

    Also – we are not experienced hikers so we will need to get some gear. What is absolutely necessary for us to pick up for a trip like this? We have an REI somewhat close.

      • Anon

        The Ahwahnee is beautiful, but the brunch we had there a few years ago was very disappointing, food-wise, and it’s horrendously expensive. It’s under new management now though, I think.

        Rather than basing yourself in Fresno (which is pretty boring) I would just spend 3 nights in or very near Yosemite and 2 nights in or very near Sequoia. The parks are beautiful and it will be a bit rushed to see both of them in this timeframe, so I wouldn’t want to waste time commuting from Fresno every day.

        If you’re not experienced hikers, you’ll probably just be doing day hikes and you don’t really need any gear. I’ve never owned hiking boots or poles and I’ve done a lot of day hiking in Yosemite and other national parks.

        • anon

          We stayed in historic Big Tree Lodge last fall and it was unique and fascinating, but overpriced at the same time.
          I loved Mariposa Grove, it’s more of an hour long walk, no serious hiking gear required.
          For Sequoia, we were in Buckeye Tree Lodge, would totally recommend. And the nearby restaurant was the nicest on the whole trip, and had reasonable prices. Couldn’t really hike there due to weather, so I’m planning to go back.
          Day trips from any one place sounds like an awful lot of driving to me. Coming through Fresno, it didn’t seem very nice to me. If you want to explore the place you’re staying in, you could try to find something in Merced. I’ve heard good things though about the underground gardens in Fresno.

    • anon

      Only thing I’d say is that Fresno is… not great. I’d try to find somewhere more interesting as a home base.

      • BWE

        Where would you suggest? We’ve never planned a trip like this before so we are super flexible and open to recs!

      • The original Scarlett

        Yeah, seconding that – it’s really nowhere to visit. You’d be a lot better off just finding somewhere in or close to Yosemite. There’s all levels of hiking in there too – I’ve never brought special equipment but I’m a regular hiking-as-walking outside kind of person. Maybe a backpack with a sandwich and water at most.

      • anon0313

        I travel all over CA for my job and Fresno is my least favorite place in the whole state…. I have several friends that live there and stay there just to see them/work…. but if on a vacation, there are SO many better places to stay!

    • Idea

      For day trips just a backpack, comfortable hiking boots and shoes. Dress in layers. Hat, sunglasses, water bottle, snacks. Have fun!

      • Lana Del Raygun

        Sunscreen and bugspray! I’m not sure what the bug situation is CA is but you want DEET for mosquitos, blackflies, etc and permethrin for ticks (DO NOT apply permethrin to your skin! You put in on your boots/socks/pants the day before and hang them to air out).

    • Anon

      If you want to try camping try and find a Cabela’s. There has been some innovation in camping! The freeze dried food in a bag cooking options blow your traditional can of beans out of the park.

      I think a good backpack is a must. Lots of snacks, lots of water. Lots of layers (sweaters, tees, etc). Lots of bug spray. And a first aid kit.

    • anon

      That sounds like a great trip and one I’d like to take my family on when my son gets older.

      Are you day hiking? If so, you may be able to get away with sneakers (like running shoes, trail running shoes are even better) but if the trails are really steep and rocky, I’d get hiking boots with ankle support. I highly recommend a camelback for water. Get one that is big enough to carry a few other things too, like food, sunscreen, maybe an extra layer. Depending on your age and fitness level, you may or may not want hiking poles. I’ve never used one, but my 69 year old father with questionable balance won’t hike without one. For backpacking, ignore everything I said because the list is very different and I’m no expert.

      • BWE

        Yes – just day hiking. I’ll probably need boots because my ankles are the worst due to some previous injuries. We have a camelback (husband previously trained for a marathon). We are both 25 and somewhat in shape so we should be good without poles. Thank you!

    • Rainbow Hair

      I love the Wawona Hotel (now Big Tree Lodge) — inside the park but outside the valley. There’s a cute little historic village thingie outside the hotel with a covered bridge and historical interpreters and the lot. You can also look into staying at the Tenaya Lodge outside the park — they often have good deals for midweek stays, and word is that the brunch buffet is good and the restaurant is vegan friendly (if that matters to you).

      We used to go to Yosemite around Easter every year, and there was almost always snow, at least at Badger Pass, so bring your hats and mittens!

    • Anon

      If by next month you mean April, be sure to check road/campground/trail conditions right before you leave. We got a lot of snow this year and they are predicting that a number of areas will not open before mid to late April at the earliest. I am not sure where you are coming from, but I find that people from outside of California often underestimate how long it takes the snow in the Sierras to melt..

      • BWE

        OMG thank you for pointing this out. We are coming from the Mid Atlantic coast so had no idea… Just looked and they are expecting the snow to impact travel conditions into the summer. Ugh.

        • Anonymous

          There are usually just key passes that are impacted (e.g. Tioga pass) both for driving and hiking.

          If you are Justin doing day hiking, I would get make sure to get a good day pack and get a bunch of layers. Would ask your local rei for advice on great. You are going to need lots of water, and may want to consider a water pump purifier is you are going on longer hikes if you want to reduce weight.

          Echo the suggestion to stay closer to Yosemite. Would get a separate place to stay for Yosemite and Sequoia.

        • Anon

          I am the Anon at 11:47 and I did not mean to imply that it is not worth going! Yosemite is beautiful in spring. Just be aware of what is open and closed and enjoy what is open (and the lack of crowds). I just know of people who have through they would drive through Tioga Pass in April – and that is not happening!

      • Anonymous

        Yes, your options in Yosemite will be pretty limited because the Sierras have SO. MUCH. SNOW this year. For example, the road up to glacier point (which has the famous half dome views) will still be closed in April, and I think s number of the trails in the valley will be closed or very muddy with snow melt. A hiker was killed a few weeks by falling ice and rocks when she ignored a trail closed sign. My favorite time to visit Yosemite is late September or early October. The weather is usually still pretty warm, the crowds are smaller, and you don’t have to worry about the snow pack making hiking more challenging.

        • Anon

          Big +1 for early fall being the best time to visit Yosemite. It’s less crowded and the weather is great for hiking. Spring/waterfall season is overrated.

    • Ducky36

      I am an attorney in Fresno and I have done a lot of hiking and camping nearby. Yosemite is beautiful all year. The snow doesn’t usually cause major travel problems, just make sure you have chains for your car. (Normally we don’t get much snow in April though, so I don’t think you will actually need chains.) Tenaya Lodge is just outside of the park. It’s a great hotel with lots of things to do, like ice skating and spa treatments. There is an REI in Fresno, just off of the freeway that you take to get to Yosemite. You might also consider visiting the giant sequoias at Grant Grove in Kings Canyon National Park. You can rent cross country skis or snow shoes at the store near the park entrance. Kings Canyon has the nation’s largest giant sequoia tree and you don’t really have to hike to get to it; there is a parking lot and a paved walking trail that makes a small loop around the grove.
      March and April are beautiful months to explore the Fresno area. The whole area is full of fruit trees that are in full bloom right now. Also, the wildflowers in the foothills are breathtaking. Everywhere east of the city is covered in poppies and lupine.
      There are always interesting artistic performances happening in Fresno’s Tower District. They also have cute coffee shops and a great yoga studio.

  16. Seeking perspective

    We are currently TTC. Mu husband was diagnosed with Aspergers two years ago. He has been through a lot, but the diagnosis helped and we are in a good place and decided to TTC. But yesterday we were watching a documentary about autism and how it may be hereditary, and he told me he doesn’t want to pass it on and we should consider adoption. I confess my reaction was not the best – I was taken aback and got emotional and sad. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this? I love him and if my kid turns out like him, I say great. But I also don’t want to disregard the difficulties if he turns out more severe on the spectrum and I can’t force DH into something he doesn’t want to do. I’m not against adoption but it’s honestly not my preferred route at this time. How do we talk about this?

    • anon

      Maybe consider a consultation with a genetic counselor to better understand what’s known about the genetics of the autism spectrum, and to gain some context for evaluating your risk? The science is complex and evolving (I’m a biologist and very familiar with this area). The best first step is to make sure you’re starting with an accurate set of facts, and speaking the same language when you make a decision together.

      • Ms B

        +1 to this. When The Hubs and I started TTC, we worked with a genetic counselor to address issues related to Tay-Sachs (which I lost cousins to in the 1970s and 80s), CF, Canavan’s and similar. Our counselor also discussed the realistic risks associated with our potential “geriatric preganancy” (not my favorite term) and I found it helpful to understand the issues and arithmetic associated with spectrum issues and other potential outcomes as we proceeded.

        Neither the old-fashioned method nor the assisted methods resulted in a live birth for us and we went the adoption route, which I am always happy to discuss. However, keep in mind that adoption has its own set of risks and issues; spectrum disorders and other outcomes that can arise spontaneously are not something that you necessarily will be able to opt out of.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve read before that in families ASD appears to often “travel with” other highly desirable traits (whether in the same, twice exceptional person, or in siblings or cousins). I don’t know if that’s still what they’re finding, but I know that there are many two-sided coins in genetics in general. That may not matter if the outlook is “I can’t deal with an ASD child.” But if the outlook is more, “I owe it to society not to reproduce,” that could be debatable even if ASD is seen as a tragic outcome (which I would also debate, but I realize that’s more controversial).

    • Hm

      I understand where your husband is coming from. I have a cousin with Asperger’s and while he is great and high functioning, it is still hard for him socially and professionally. He took him 6 years to graduate college, he does not have any close friends, and he spends all of his weekends with his parents (he’s 30). And he is high functioning — think about the hardships those with more extreme forms of autism have.

      If you’re not for adoption, you might also consider using a donor other than your husband (in vitro, IUI, etc.). I have a friend who did this and no one in their family knows their child is not biologically her husband’s child.

      • Vj

        It’s impossible to keep those secrets these days tho, thanks to DNA testing. Imagine in 15 years when the kid is old enough and wants to see his family tree using Ancestry. I really believe, if using donors, parents should be upfront.

        • anon0313

          +1 VJ, I know 2 people personally who found out their parent/s weren’t their bio parents through 23&me… I think in this era, you have to remain totally honest with your kid about what you are doing, or they will find out anyway. I would also suggest genetic counseling & potentially a donor if you want to carry a child.

    • Idea

      There must be a group on the internet for Parents With Autism, and People In A Relationship Where One Partner Has Autism (as I understand it, “Asperger’s” as a diagnosis is no longer valid, it’s more like “High-functioning Autism” or something like that…?

      I’d start there with questions, answers, discussions. You two are not the first to face this!

      FWIW my dear friend diagnosed with Asperger’s is an excellent Dad.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      It sounds like you were blindsided by how your husband feels about his autism, so I would take some time to talk that out and make sure you understand his perspective before you talk about the TTC part.

      Nicole Cliffe has a lot of autism in her family and I know she’s written about it on Twitter; she hasn’t written anything more in-depth that I know of but if I were you guys I would write to her Care and Feeding column on Slate.

    • Anonymous

      I’m mom to an autstic kid. Asperger’s, HFA and everything else is now just “autim spectrum” or ASD (for auism spectrum diagnosis). They were different when they existed separately; think Big Bang theory (Aspies) vs Rain Man (HFA). They think there’s a huge genetics component to atism but there’s a ton they still don’t know. Spectrum News is a great resource for scientific research. AFAIK there’s no way to detect ASD in utero. Here’s one article for you….
      https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/unexpected-plus-parenting-autis/

    • Anon

      My husband’s brother has Aspergers, and his uncle and maybe some of his cousins have it as well. We don’t have any kids, but this fear is in the back of my mind. I would take your husband’s opinion into consideration, he knows how hard it was for him to grow up and feel/be different than his peers. I’m so glad you love him and would love your future child if it did happen to pass on, but are you okay with the possibility of them living with you, maybe not going away to college, maybe never getting married? My brother in law is 25, lives with his parents, and most likely will never get married. He is high functioning but social situations can be stressful for him. Big hug, I know we are still thinking of having children and I will probably contact a genetics specialist.

    • Cb

      My husband has the same diagnosis (also diagnosed later in life) and this was a concern of his when we were TTC. Adoption is an option but there is no guarantee that a child brought into your family through adoption wouldn’t have autism or other life-changing issues. I guess my thinking was that there were so many things you can’t control so it wasn’t something that impacted our decision-making in a major way. We now have a toddler.

      I agree with the poster who recommended Care and Feeding (or call Mom and Dad are fighting), they always give excellent advice.

    • Anon

      I mean, your kid could have cancer or severe disability or grow up to be like Trump. There’s no guarantees life would turn out perfectly even if your kid didn’t have autism.

    • anon

      while not ASD specifically, both DH and I do not have the best mental health genetics on either side of our families and DH deals with some pretty severe anxiety. I saw how hard it was for my parents to raise my sister and I did have anxiety about conceiving. I spoke with both a genetic counselor and a psychiatrist. We ultimately decided to roll the dice on the grounds that just about every family has something challenging in their genetics from cancer to heart disease to mental health and that even without these risk factors there are kids born with all sorts of illnesses. Even with adoption there is no guarantee that you will not have an ASD child. I am a risk averse person so it was hard for me to take the plunge and my kids are too little for us to know what challenges they might have. i would definitely consult professionals – genetic counselor, maybe even do some couples counseling. Would DH be open to a sperm donor? also, while i definitely think it is important to be educated and this is a valid and genuine concern, if you are at all anxiety prone be sure to strike a balance between educating yourself and feeding your anxiety

    • Anonymous

      Being diagnosed as an adult can be hard. He may not have completely thought through how different his experiences may have been if he had known sooner. It may also help to read about the social model of disability and how it relates to ASD. Especially when he was young, schools often made being on the spectrum a much, much worse experience than it needs to be. Adults on the spectrum often need to go “off script” with their lives to various degrees to be happy and comfortable, and I think our culture tends to stigmatize departing from well-trod paths for whatever reason. The “autistic advocate” has a powerful essay on “an autistic diagnosis” that you should be able to find that goes over a lot of the late diagnosis experience.

    • Seeking perspective

      Thank you all for the responses. I’m looking up genetic counseling right now, and maybe more couples therapy (we did it after his diagnosis but this didn’t come up). I was definitely blindsided – I felt like we had talked about it and agreed, but he isn’t the best at voicing his emotions so I realize it might be more complicated than that. I’m on team “who knows what will happen no matter what so let’s try this the old fashioned way ”, but want to hear his concerns too. I’m also open to alternative means of conception but honestly want to be pregnant if I can. Thanks for all the resources listed, I will do so research and approach him with it at a quieter time.

    • Anonymous

      I’m on the spectrum (although I cover it well) and it runs in my family… On both sides. Definitely influences my decision to not have kids.

      I would listen carefully to your husband’s concerns.

  17. Anon

    Question for the book lovers – I have an overwhelming number of books. Is there an app or software I can use to catalog them so that I can see what I actually have? It would be nice if the thing also let me know whether any of them are valuable. I have a lot of first edition hardcovers.

    • Vicky Austin

      Goodreads might work, if just for cataloging purposes. I doubt it can tell you about the value.

    • BB

      Yes, it’s called TinyCat. It has an iOS app and let’s you catalog by scanning barcodes. It won’t show you the price of your books, but you can see how many other people on the app have your books.

    • SC

      I use Goodreads to track books. There’s a feature to track books you own, which allows you to scroll through various editions that have been added to Goodreads, but I’m not sure about a rare or old edition. If you use Amazon for purchases, it gives you the option to mine your Amazon orders for books you own.

      • Anon

        Thanks. My books that may be valuable way way pre-date Amazon, and in fact pre-date bar codes, responding to the suggestion above.

        I fear this is going to be a huge effort. I’m still determined to do it though.

        • Lana Del Raygun

          If you think you have something valuable you can ask a bookseller to come appraise them.

        • SC

          Goodreads also has the barcode feature, if that helps for the more modern books.

          For your potentially valuable books, I’d just make a spreadsheet, find a reputable appraiser, and ask what their process is.

    • Amberwitch

      I use librarything.com – it focuses more on the calatoguing and collecting aspects than goodreads.

  18. Dream Place

    I’m super excited because I’m about to move into the most PERFECT place for me and my furbaby. It’s part of a big move for a new job. The place is a lovely 2 BR townhome with a giant master bedroom, a breakfast nook AND a dining room. I’ve been living in a 1 BR with a built-in dining island, so my current furniture is limited (and I sold a bunch of the crap furniture this week). Currently, only have a queen bed and an ikea sofa.

    SO… if you were moving into a blank slate… what would be your specific wish list items for furniture, decor, etc.? The place has a very warm feel with wood flooring throughout and darker cabinets in kitchen.

    • IHHtown

      I am a strong advocate of moving into a space with the bare necessities (what you already have), living in it for a while, and curating pieces one by one. That way you’ll get a feel for the light at different times of day, how you actually use the space (or want to use the space when you sense a need), and how your tastes may change with the layout.
      It’s also a good time to, if it’s your style, let yourself go minimalistic. When moving into my new home, I took the opportunity to specialize the storage and keep spaces wide open and clear with most décor on the walls or integrated into the furniture (particularly colored rug, one or two pillows, designs in the dining room table, etc.)

    • Panda Bear

      I agree with IHHtown above – take some time to live in the new space to see what you really want/need, and think about prioritizing your purchases based on what’s best for your lifestyle. For example, I think one of the first things on my list would be a dining room set – because I love to cook and entertain, and if I was moving to a new city and trying to make friends, I’d like to be able to have people over for fun dinner parties. I’d also invest in a new and very comfortable mattress, if your current one is due for an upgrade.

    • AnonInfinity

      I did the same thing recently! I was moving into a smaller place, but ended up selling almost all of my furniture and decor except the stuff that I absolutely loved. Mine also has wood floors, so rugs were high on my list.

      I also prioritized organization aids because of the downsizing. And I was very glad I moved in with what I had and then waited a few weeks before buying most of what I ended up with. I was constantly rearranging for a while and found that I needed to buy less than I anticipated. Plus I needed to completely unpack to figure out exactly what needed organizing and the best way to accomplish that.

    • Anon

      I had a similar circumstance and used Modsy. I highly recommend them. You submit pictures and measurements of your room and they build a 3D model so you can see how furniture/design will look in the room. They also let you set a budget- which was their downfall. They didn’t stick to mine, but their site does allow you to swap items and see how they look. I did that until I had prices and a look I felt comfortable with. They also work with a variety of retailers, which was important to me. I did not want everything to look like I went to one store.

      • Anon

        I also just wanted to add that if you work through Modsy, there is no obligation to buy the furniture or anything like that. You can buy one piece at a time if you want.

  19. Anon in the Heat

    That top is gorgeous. Does anyone know of a cheaper alternative? Living in a swelter box of a city with dogs and a general “I don’t have time for dry cleaning” life, my blouse budget generally stops around 70.

    • Anon

      I love it too but agree about the price especially since it’s not a natural fabric.

    • Anon

      Agreed. It’s beautiful and I want it, but I don’t make time for high-maintenance clothing care.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’d love to know too! I’m in a more casual workplace now and something like this would be great, but not at that price.

    • anon

      It says machine washable on the site. What about it makes it high maintenance then? I ask because I also don’t have time for dry cleaning/complicated clothing care and am maybe going to buy it.

      • Anon

        It’s more the price point – and that the fabric looks like it’d show grease or oil stains easily.

      • Anon

        For me, the issue is the manufactured fabric (viscose, which is rayon). I find them to hold stains and odor quite stubbornly, whereas natural fibers are wash-and-go for me. YMMV, of course.

  20. Anon

    Regarding Botox, someone made a comment recently that it does not make your brow droop. I spoke to my derm’s nurse today and she said that eyelids can droop with Botox and you can get other unexpected results. Don’t consider it a magic cure-all.

    • Anonymous

      If that happened, I would be concerned about an underlying condition. Botox can absolutely produce a droop if you have a neurological autoimmune disease (and Botox is known to “unmask” previously asymptomatic disease, but this is rare). I would be nervous if I had a vague chronic illness diagnosis like CFS or fibromyalgia that could still be something else, but if I were completely healthy and asymptomatic, the off chance that Botox would trigger a previously asymptomatic condition to start producing symptoms wouldn’t scare me off (I would have bigger fish to fry at that point).

      • Anon

        Not talking about making you into a living Picasso, I’m saying it makes you look like you have a lower, masculine brow. We’ve all seen celebs with this. If you have naturally high brows, this prob isn’t a concern. Mine are not like that. I have a straight, lower brow already.

        • Anon

          I have stopped having Botox in part because it lifted my brows too high. I felt it was somewhat comical looking when it kicked in. I have neither high nor low eyebrows naturally. It really depends on your doctor and her technique. I was going to someone who is well known and this was her technique.

          So it is not universally true that it will lower your brows, and I don’t know why you’re on here scaremongering if you’ve never even had it done.

          • Anon

            As I said, this is what the nurse at my derm’s office told me today. Others on the board (I assume that they were not in the dermatological field) said this doesn’t happen. No need to get upset.

          • Anon

            Also true that there may be different techniques, but I thought the injections on the forehead were supposed to mitigate the “Joker” look, but then you risk too much of the Star Trek type look.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for clarifying; I was totally talking about the Picasso outcome. Yes, it’s my understanding that this part of how Botox works, and I agree that it’s important to take that cosmetic effect into consideration if that outcome doesn’t fit how you want to look.

    • Anon

      The good thing about botox is that it wears off in a few months, so if you don’t like it, the results aren’t permanent. I get botox for migraine, and I do get a little bit of eyelid droop sometimes, but I have no idea if that’s typical of cosmetic application- the location of the injections is bit different.

    • Anon for this

      This is a known but not common side effect. The likelihood that this will occur increases if Botox is placed too low on the forehead. Although Botox does wear off over a period of months, years of use will cause the targeted muscles to atrophy. If Botox is applied too low on the forehead repeatedly, those lower muscles will atrophy causing brow droop.

      This is why you should go to someone who specializes in Botox. I get 10 units a couple times a year, which is just enough to erase the forehead crease of worry and hasn’t caused any other problems. Starting when the lines just being to form also heads off deeper and harder to fight lines appearing.

      • Anon

        This is true, long term use will cause muscles to atrophy, I just meant if you don’t like the way it makes you look after 1-2 applications, it will wear off. In my case, the eyelid droop is just one side, and it’s subtle- one side of my eyelid doesn’t quite open all the way. It’s more noticeable with my glasses on than when I’m wearing contacts, who knows why. I care far more about not being in pain than about my appearance at this point, but will mention it to my neurologist next time I get injections. My understanding is that this is relatively common, though certainly not something most people experience.

    • Anonymous

      I have stopped Botox after about 8 years (two to three times per year). My doctor (cosmetic surgeon in an urban university practice) only injected a tiny anount the last time and kept saying I wouldn’t be happy with the position of my brows if I continued getting Botox.

      Though I’m not entirely sure he wasn’t pushing for me to do something more drastic instead….

      • Anon

        What did he mean by that? That they would be too low due to muscle atrophy/collagen loss?
        Sadly, it seems like the only ones who may look good with Botox are the younger ones who really could go without it.

    • Legally Brunette

      No experience but this is really cute. My gripe with MMLF is that a lot of the tops are too shapeless but this is different. I would consider it in a brighter color. There is a B S T group on Facebook where you can post and get lots of detailed feedback, if you’re interested.

  22. Oversensitive or Reason for Worry?

    I’m a 2nd year biglaw associate. About a month ago I was assigned to a file by a very senior partner, where I basically (almost literally) did all of the work on my own and managed to get the application together and filed in time. In the course of preparing the materials, I had asked a sr. associate for help on a few points, and he was very helpful, so I looped him in to the email chains. Since that date, he has slowly ousted me from the file – it went from us drafting documents, running calls and going to court together, to him asking for my input after the fact, to him not even asking for my input at all and running client calls, preparing documents without me. We were scheduled for my first 4-hour hearing of this kind tomorrow, and this morning he came into my office to let me know that for “costs reasons” he would be taking a student with him to the hearing instead of me, as it was good for the student’s learning. I replied that it would have been good for my learning too, but accepted it gracefully despite being upset. I had been very excited to run my own file and at very least attend at the hearing, and I am not sure whether it is worth it to say something? TIA for any advice

    • Equestrian attorney

      I was with the senior associate until he cut you out of the hearing. Senior associates pretty commonly take over files (that’s happened to me for sure) and it’s pretty tolerated, but cutting you out sounds like a huge douche move, at least in my firm’s culture. Do you have a good relationship with the senior partner? He should be the ones making “costs” decisions so you might be able to bring this up with him (or her).

    • Anon

      Agree that I was with the senior associate until the hearing part. I am at a small firm, but it is extremely common for a partner to delegate a file to me but then start to become more interested or take back items when the case gets more complicated than they anticipated it being or if the client starts to express more interest in the file. An example of a situation that has happened to me is that the client on the file ends up starting to express an interest in settling or starts calling the partner about the file on a weekly basis. Junior associate (you) don’t have a relationship with the client so can’t update them, so partner or senior associate with relationship to client start taking over the file. Also– none of this was ever told to me at the time. It is one of those things that you start to realize as you grow more senior.

      Here– when this turned into a matter with a four hour hearing, someone probably made the decision that senior associate needed to be more involved in the file because that hearing was too much to trust to a junior associate. This information was probably just never communicated to you. I don’t agree with senior associate’s decision not to take you with him though.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Here’s a similar story. I’m in-house, the junior person in a two-person department. We had a pretty important XYZ going on, but it was across the country. We otherwise travel a lot, and my boss and I try to split up when possible, like “you don’t *have* to go to this one, I’ve got it” etc. So he told me that, “you don’t have to go to this XYZ” but it was a big deal and I wanted to. So I set out my reasons why I thought I should go (basically to learn for this specific matter, and about XYZs in general), and he agreed that I could attend and observe. Yay!

      And *then* a hotshot person (dude in his 60s, of course) decided he should be there too, because ??? because he’s a hotshot who gets his way, I guess. He really truly didn’t have anything to contribute. So my boss said, “well now we are just taking too many people, Rainbow, you stay home.” And I was super sad because I had done a lot of psyching myself up to make the case that I needed to be at the XYZ, and now I wasn’t, boo.

      Anyway, the day of the XYZ, my CEO called me into his office to talk about some stuff and then he said, “where’s Boss?” “At the XYZ, it’s today.” “And you’re not there?!?!” “Well [explanation].” “OK, I don’t like that!” … and when Boss got back, CEO kinda dressed him down, like “Rainbow needs to be at XYZs!” So next time, I’ll be there.

      • Rainbow Hair

        The TL;DR is that no one was trying to force me out, but that people invested in my growth see that going to important things, is, well, important. I wonder if there’s a mentor or someone to whom you can make your case and ask for advice. Even if it’s not this hearing, maybe there will be a spot for you at the next one.

    • Anon

      You can offer to go to a hearing but not bill the time just to get experience. You can also ask the partner for mentoring lunch/coffee casually, and then describe your situation to the partner and frame it as wanting to take on more responsibilities + asking for more work. What he said does not make any sense. If the concern truly is cost, then it makes sense for you to do as much work as possible and minimize the amount of time he spent on it.

      My concern is that this senior associate might throw you under the bus now/later by telling the partner that he cut you out because your work was bad or you were inefficient. Therefore, it’s crucial that you remedy this by talking to the partner as soon as possible and (to the extent allowed by firm culture) cc’ing partner in turning in your work product to senior associate.

      • Small Firm IP Litigator

        This. The first thing I thought was CYA with the partner. And this sort of thing was one of the many reasons I left biglaw.

        • Anon

          Same. Unfortunately, some people with mediocre skills are exceptionally good at this type of stuff (throwing people under the bus) in biglaw.

  23. Florida Vacation Rental

    Taking the kids to WDW and the beach in May. Anyone have recommendations for a 3-4 bedroom vacation rental with a pool in Orlando or Anna Maria Island areas? Ideally under $500/night but flexible for the right place. Preferably in a resort community with amenities for Orlando.

    • Mrs. Jones

      If going to Disney World, I highly recommend staying on property, preferably with monorail access.

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