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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 227 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Stripe Fit and Flare Sweater Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Although this Banana Republic dress looks on the short side on the model, I've often found that at 5'4″ these things end up hitting me at a much more work-appropriate length when I actually try them on. (There's also a tall version.) Still, I like this interesting take on a gray fit and flare dress — I like the stripes, the flared skirt, the elbow-length sleeves, and the fact that you can hand wash the whole shebang. The dress was $138, but is now marked to $97, and it has 4.5 stars. Stripe Fit and Flare Sweater Dress You can find a plus-size option at Macy's. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Skirt vs coat length

    Help me solve an ongoing debate with my DH…Does your coat always have to be longer than your skirt? (I say no, he says yes)

    Googling brings up differing opinions. The one that makes the most sense to me is if the coat is above the knee, your skirt can be longer, but if it’s below the knee, it should cover the skirt. This makes sense to me since I feel like you might look more stumpy if you do long coat + even longer skirt. I guess the exception would be floor length gown + opera coat?

    Obviously putting way too much thought into this! But I feel like it might be one of those old fashion “rules” that isn’t a rule with modern fashion anymore (like no white after Labor Day).

    • NYNY

      I recall one of my mother’s college textbooks saying this – she was a home ec major, and it was a book about clothing construction and design – but that was in the early 1960’s. I don’t think it applies now.

      You can play this argument two ways:

      1) Buy ALL THE COATS so you can have the “appropriate” length at all times. Tell your husband these are the rules, he’s the one who taught you.

      2) Tell him that his skirt can always be shorter than his coat, but you’re doing your own thing.

      • Anonymous

        This anon (and we know it’s you, you always have the same b*tchy tone) needs to gtfo.

        • Anonymous

          Yes please. Although a big part of me does feel pity for her. She’s just so unoriginal and sad.

    • Cb

      I think I’d side with your husband, although with the cavaet that I would never notice or judge this in real life. Unless you’re the Duchess of Cambridge, you aren’t often seen stationary wearing a coat.

      But I am realizing this is why I don’t get much wear out of my peacoat or duffle coat, reaching for the knee-length empire waist coat instead. Unless I’m wearing quite a fitted or short skirt, it looks weird. I wear dresses and skirts exclusively so may need to consider culling these.

    • lol

      Yes tell him he must buy you ALL the coats! Aesthetically, I think your rule makes sense.

      It’s just not realistic to have ALL the coats. I dearly wish it was. I feel the same way about shoes. Yes, perhaps a strappy shoe would be better with this outfit, and a suppose I need a pointy toe flat and a round toe flat, but at some point I also need a 401K.

    • Anonymous

      I mean, short (waist length) fur coats used to be worn with floor length gowns…. so I don’t think there hard and fast rules

      I think it needs to look purposeful and proportionate- the waist/hip length North Face fleece with a knee length skirt looks weird, but a cropped moto jacket probably doesn’t.

      • anne-on

        +1 – I think you can go short coat with a longer skirt, but you need to be aware of where the coat hits you and if the style/color ‘go’ with the rest of the outfit in an intentional way.

    • Anonymous

      Idk but if this is a rule, it explains so much about the odd-to-me coat lengths my mother and grandmother had. Fwiw neither of them ever mentioned this to me.

    • Baconpancakes

      Only if you’re a girl who gets up early
      Who stays up late
      With uninterrupted prosperity
      Who uses a machete to cut through red tape

    • MJ

      I usually do have a coat that’s longer and I feel like it looks like I am a streaker.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I don’t like the look of car coats over skirts, but I prefer that people be able to tell that I’m wearing a skirt…

      • Anonymous

        +1 I don’t like the look of car coats over skirts, but I prefer that people be able to tell that I’m wearing a skirt.

      • MJ

        Dear MJ–I’ve been MJ on here for many years, so I’d appreciate if you chose a different handle. Thanks!

        OG MJ (hahaha!)

    • Lana Del Raygun

      My rule of thumb is that if the coat is in the range of skirt lengths people in my area tend to wear, my skirt should show. For me, this is below-the-knee and shorter. The main point is not to look like a flasher, and imo that effect is created when you look for skirt and there’s none there. My winter coat is mid-calf but no one around here wears mid-calf skirts, so you’re not looking for one and it doesn’t have that effect.

    • Linda from HR

      For me, it depends on the cut of the coat and the skirt. I have a couple waist-length coats that can be worn with a skirt of any length, and I have a long(ish) coat that flares at the waist, and looks a little odd with a longer pencil skirt, but fine with a fuller skirt, especially if the skirt’s color goes well with the coat!

      But it also depends on how perfectly put together you need to be. For commuting, it shouldn’t matter that much. It might matter a little more if you were going somewhere fancy, or an outdoor event where you’re keeping your coat on and thus it’s part of your outfit, but I think your husband is harping on a detail most people aren’t going to care too much about.

      • busybee

        I have literally never thought of this and now I’m paranoid that my coat has been all wrong all of these years.

        • Anonymous

          I also have never thought about this, and I will continue to not think about this. The only thing I care about when picking a coat is staying dry and warm.

          • HSAL

            Yep. I even regret having read all of these responses and knowing that this many people have opinions about this.

      • Anonymous

        Oh come on, HSAL. That people have opinions about a fashion question? On a s i t e that self describes as offering “FASHION, lifestyle, and career” advice?!

    • anon

      And now I will always notice how the length of one’s coat compares to her skirt.

    • Anonymous

      Aesthetically, I think the coat should be either longer than your skirt *or* high hip/waist length. A longish coat (even just one that covers your butt) with a skirt that’s longer looks funny to me. I have, and wear, a mid-calf trench that I like for various reasons, but especially because it basically solves this problem for me and I don’t think I have the looks-like-a-flasher issue (I think wearing a scarf under the coat probably helps).

      That all said, my trench isn’t always the right choice for non-length reasons and I don’t have an infinite closet of coats in all length, fabrics, and colors, so I do sometimes wear coats that don’t abide by your husband’s rule/my preference. It’s totally fine.

  2. Paging Rainbow Hair

    Hey, it’s Cornellian. I get email bouncebacks when I send to your burner account. Is it your name here (with no spaces) followed by the last four letters of this place’s name, at g?

  3. Sheri

    Calling on the hive mind: The question is how and how soon to follow up about my status after a first-round interview.

    I work in university administration in an associate director-level position. I’ve applied for a director-level position with more visibility across campus. The hiring authority is a distant colleague–first-name basis, but may not recognize me if we crossed paths in person.

    We had a successful first interview (I think!) over two weeks ago. I thanked him by email. The interviewer was out of town last week, and it is currently the university’s spring break–so things could be in a holding pattern.

    But so far, dead silence.

    The complicating factor here is that I applied in February and hoped the search would roll along more quickly. My initiative has a new executive director as of April 2. A few colleagues have announced their departure or retirement (not uncommon in this situation), effective May 1. My exposure increases considerably as the search drags on, at a time when I should be (and am, for the moment) “leaning in” with the new leadership.

    I would love to step up into this position, but I don’t think I can hang on in this search past April 15 or so. Thoughts? Should I contact the hiring authority? Work my back-door contacts through university HR to see if I can find out anything about the status of the search or the pool?

    Thanks for your collective wisdom.

    • Anonymous

      1- chill
      2- do not follow up yet
      3- carry on working and leaning in to your current job
      4- if you get the new job quit
      5- ignore your arbitrary 4/15 deadline you are being silly

      • Sheri

        Thanks. I completely accept your advice that I need to sit tight for a while, but the university context is distinct. This is not like applying for a job with a different company.

        The new executive director is out on campus meeting with deans, provosts, HR types, and my counterparts in other units. It will not take long (two weeks, maybe less) for him to run into someone who could tell him that I am in this pool of candidates. The director determines funding and staffing priorities. Becoming public in this search diminishes my future opportunities if I don’t get the new job. I am trying to game costs vs. opportunities, and I think there’s a finite amount of time before the balance tips to the negative side.

        • tesyaa

          Even if you decide 100% to stay, couldn’t it still become public that you interviewed with similar consequences? I would still say sit tight. I get that you want to know now but that’s not always possible.

    • Anon

      My state university takes weeks to months between each step of the selection process. It sucks, but I don’t think this is abnormal. Like the commenter above says, lean into your current job assuming you won’t get the other one. If you do, then you deal with changing jobs.

      • emeralds

        Yeah…this is how hiring has worked in every job I’ve ever applied for. It’s slow, slow, slow. I once went nine months between an application and an offer: applied in November, heard back about a first-round interview in March, second round in May, offer in (late) July. I think my fastest turnarounds have been May applications for August start dates, when people were really pushing to have new staff in place for the start of the academic year.

        I wish it were different, but the OP is still well within the normal time parameters for higher ed, and should be leaning into her current job. It is what it is.

        • Sheri

          I think this is a reasonable assessment. Wow, I had really hoped to resolve things during the lame duck period between directors …

    • Fishie

      I am a system fool! I 100% believe that the fewer decisions that I have to make, the more productive I am. I’m less likely to be lazy and get take out, not work out, forget to send gifts, etc. if I have a default or plan.

      Menus – Same outline every week (written on a monthly calendar hanging in the pantry) – Monday = meatless; Tuesday = Tacos; Wed = fish; Thurs = Soup or pasta; Friday = pizza; Saturday = Out; Sunday = wild card.

      Clothing – Black bottoms, solid tops – most everything matches.

      Breakfast – Lara bar, banana, hard boiled eggs. I stock all and pick 2 to grab on my way out the door.

      Kid birthdays (nieces and nephews) – Gift card once they hit 10.

      Sympathy gifts – plant or tree from Tree of Life

      Workouts – calendared for every day of the week so when I wake up I can’t talk myself out of it for not knowing what I feel like doing. (I don’t work out every day but I try to). I also keep lists of strength workouts so I don’t waste time deciding which exercise to do next. My trainer plans them and I do them in rotation.

      Travel – I keep a toiletry bag and an electronics bag (extra chargers, etc) packed at all times so I don’t forget stuff. Whenever I get samples, they go into the bag.

    • KKRvF

      1) Food; we don’t like repeats and I am frugal so the menu changes based on sales and season. I don’t work from home so have a command centre/office in my butler’s pantry/mudroom with mail slots for each kid, and a desk with other organization. I shop on the weekend and come home and pull my Freezer inventory clip board from inside my the cupboard door, a few cookbooks for inspiration, and my menu template. I sit down and plan five meals from what I have just bought. My template has columns for “night before prep” and “to buy”. I include any instructions for my Au Pair (like chop veggies, make salad). It gets posted in a transparent sleeve on the outside of the door for quick reference by all.
      2) Weekend Prep: I try to bulk cook on Sundays and never cook one thing at one time. While I am doing a more labour intensive weekend meal, I will use the Instant Pot to make a double batch of beans, a double of rice, a batch of boiled eggs, and a batch of yoghurt for the week. I will pound out some chicken breasts and marinate them after I unpack the groceries and then they can be pulled out for quick grilling, I try to make a salad dressing or some other cheat. I try to have one complete meal in the fridge ready for Tuesday, which is our tight evening.
      3) Mornings; I pack my bags the night before and lay out clothes (easy because for 8 months of the year I bike to work and put on my army uniform at work.
      4) Make-up; 90 second face in a small second bag I carry in my commuter bag
      5) Entertaining; make ahead, make the same half dozen recipes like your mother, with small seasonal, interesting tweaks.

  4. AIMS

    Can we talk about systems for a minute? As I get older I realize that the trick to a lot of things in life is to just have some default systems in place. E.g., my mom is a great hostess and loves to entertain, but I’ve only recently realized that she basically serves one of the same two or three mains every time and just adds in some new apps/sides to keep things interesting and almost everything but the salad can be made ahead of time. I’m curious what everyone’s systems are – go-to gifts, meals, productivity tricks, other life tips (I won’t call them hacks because I don’t think they have to be shortcuts or cheats, necessarily).

    For me, it’s having the same breakfast most days, which I can customize according to mood/needs (think toast and eggs, different eggs, veggies, cheese, etc.). I also do this with my kid & her meals, which makes feeding a 2 year old healthy meals infinitely easier.

      • AIMS

        Usually it’s some kind of meat like beef bourguignon that only gets better with time and that she makes the night before and/or a roast pork or similar that can cook in the oven while she gets everything ready. She also makes a bunch of savory pies that can stand in as a veggie main and that she serves sliced up as appetizers. She always make 2 or 3 different fillings with the same dough, which always feels elaborate but isn’t that much more work and again, because these are all meant to be served at room temperature, she makes it all ahead of time. Her basic formulas is to mix things she’s cooked a million times with 1 or 2 new ones so if the new stuff doesn’t work out it’s not a big deal.

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but my mains are:

        Summer cookouts – slow cooker pulled pork made with dinosaur brand barbeque sauce (it’s not one of those sugary, corn syrup-y ones, so you actually get good flavor) (I do hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, too)

        Christmas – Cocktail sandwiches – Boar’s Head shaved beef tenderloin on rye cocktail bread with a little horseradish sauce and Boar’s Head shaved turkey on pumpernickel cocktail bread with a little cranberry sauce

        Rest of the year – Herb roasted pork tenderloin, sliced and served on Sister Schubert rolls with a kicky fruit compote appropriate for the season

        I’ve been doing these for years and people seem to really look forward to them. It does make entertaining a snap!

    • anne-on

      Gifts for children’s birthdays are bought on amazon as soon as the invite is received – book + game/craft set = done. Laundry is done on the same days every week, and I also tend to do other recurring errands those same days (gas/groceries/returns to UPS store/etc.). Everything annoying that can be bought off of amazon is.
      The biggest one for me is acknowledging that I am not now, nor will I ever be, a morning person. So, everything that can happen at night does – dishwasher is unloaded, laundry is folded and put away, clothing for me/child is laid out, anything that needs to go in the car (library books/dry cleaning/packages/special school thing/backpack) is either put into my car or literally on top of my purse. We all also have our ‘spots’ coats and shoes live in the mudroom on hooks/cubbies, purse and work bag live there as well, keys/phone chargers/etc. all have a designated ‘bowl’ in the kitchen. Basically I acknowledge that children fried my brain and try to make my life as automated as possible!

      • K

        You totally nailed it. I don’t have kids but also am not a morning person, so things that I need to remember to take to work with me are put in my backpack/on my purse the night before.

      • AIMS

        Days of the week is a great one. For some reason my brain works better when I designate Wednesday as plant watering day vs. when I just try to water my plants once a week.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yes times a million to days of the week!

          Lovely Husband has had Monday as Plant Watering Day forever.

          If you’re me, there is no Plant Watering Day because I feel like I kept a child alive until he was grown and asking me now to keep plants alive is just too much…

      • anon a mouse

        Reminders ahead of time on my calendar. Events that require a babysitter get “find a babysitter” 2 weeks beforehand. Birthdays get a reminder 1-2 weeks ahead. Cleaning lady gets 72 hours ahead so I’m not racing around picking up the night before. Anything that requires supplies — potluck, daycare event, etc. gets a reminder at least a week ahead.

    • Anonymous

      Change toothbrushes when seasons change.

      Visit Costco when season changes to stock up on dry goods (toilet paper, paper towel, laundry detergent, garbage bags, canned food we use frequently like tomatoes)

      Do all kids laundry every Thursday night. Kids have 10 days worth of clothes plus a few fancy outfits.

      Annual Christmas brunch – same menu for 4 years now with only slight variations. It’s potluck and no one cares about menu variety because Christmas is so hectic.

    • cake batter

      All of the clothing, accessories, and shoes I buy fit the same color scheme – black/white/grey/jewel tones – so it’s exceptionally easy to mix and match to make outfits.

      Whenever I’ve bought navy or brown or whatever, it ends up being really complicated for my lizard brain to make it work in the morning, so I’ve eliminated those colors entirely and won’t buy them, no matter how cute. I also only buy winter skirts/dresses that go with black tights and black shoes. Might sound boring, but it’s not at all and makes it sooo much easier to get dressed.

      • anne-on

        +1 – I travel a bunch and always pack (and honestly, usually only buy clothes) that fit my color scheme. Main colors are navy/grey/purple and shoes tend to be pink/red/nude. I do have a few black coats/dresses for winter purposes (if I need to wear a dress in winter it needs to go with black tights and black shoes). Pretty much everything in my closet matches, its like garanimals for adults and does make shopping easier!

      • Fishie

        Yep, I gave up on navy/red/brown pants years ago. I do have a couple of pink pants that I wear with black tops, and 1 red skirt that I never wear because I think it looks Minnie Mouse-ish with black tights.

        I will, however, wear navy tops with my black pants (so I suppose I could wear black tops with navy pants, but somehow that upsets my delicate sensibilities).

      • Marshmallow

        We have almost the same color scheme (I have some navy too). For this spring I bought two blush shirts and it feels like such a radical refresh, ha! But they still go with my black and navy bottoms.

    • cake batter

      Also, all pet food and supplies (aka the heavy stuff, like 40lb bags of dog food and cat litter) are auto delivered once a month so when I grocery shop, I only have to worry about feeding myself and husband.

      • Baconpancakes

        Where do you get them from? Amazon marks it up so much, it’s hard for me to justify the cost for cat litter.

        • Pale Girl Snorkeling

          Really? I get similar prices for litter on Amazon, especially now they have added my favorite brand to Subscribe and Save. For me, that’s totally worth the hassle of a store trip.

          • Pale Girl Snorkeling

            *skipping a store trip…. I’m a huge fan of getting anything I can delivered to me. Saves me so much time and my time is worth money

          • Baconpancakes

            We use the crystal fresh step, and it’s over $20 for a single bag on Amazon. $12-$14 in store. It’s $14 at Chewy, so maybe now that we’re feeding our cat wet food since he lost a bunch of his teeth :( we might be able to get the shipping minimum.

        • Anonymous

          Try Chewy! Even with paying for shipping, my brands are cheaper than they are on Amazon.

        • cake batter

          If you’re still reading this late, Chewy! Prices are similar to what I see in stores.

    • Cb

      I am a total systems person but they haven’t quite kept up with baby. I really need to adopt a meal plan template.

      1. I sort laundry into dryer and hang-up clothes and my laundry baskets fit exactly one load. Once it is full, someone needs to put it in.
      2. Buy a year’s worth of birthday cards (and throw in some new baby cards) at once. I like Oxfam for this.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to the birthday cards. I do this for kids birthday parties. One big stack of gender neutral birthdaycards from the dollar store with a few different patterns/prints.

      • Fed Atty

        I have a big a box of generic birthday cards that are blank inside, and I have my preschooler draw/write on the inside for every birthday. Works for her friends birthday parties as well as for relatives, and I’m never running out to the store for a card.

      • anon a mouse

        In addition to the birthday cards, I stock up 1-2x a year on other types of cards — anniversary, baby, sympathy, get well, thinking of you. That way I can send them out ASAP.

      • Marshmallow

        We signed up for Minted More and in addition to the savings on our Christmas cards and some art prints, the box of extra blank cards they sent us was enough to get through the entire year and really made the membership worth it. I’m always going to do this now– it’s so easy to just go in the box and grab what you need instead of coordinating a trip to the store.

    • Houda

      I buy my Philip Kingsley hair products in the 1L size meant for professional hair salons so don’t worry about refills for months.
      I have a go to makeup look (for work). Same steps in the same order so I can do it on 3-hour sleep. Every 2-3 months I switch the 2 eyeshadows and blush color.
      My go to meals when I cook are ramen and pasta so I have all ingredients needed to make them in what I call my ramen station. I have gotten really good at making it so it’s a no brainer.
      When I am on a travel case, I have the same mini capsule wardrobe for the entire engagement. Cleaned Thursday evening and ready for Monday. On some cases if it’s in the hotel fee, I’d get most items cleaned at the hotel (2 items allowed per day).
      I always pack the same way be it for work or vacation so I know where everything is in my suitcase. I display things in hotel bathrooms the same way so I know which side the makeup is, and where to find my contact lenses solution etc.
      I have clear criteria for shopping and proceed by elimination: natural fiber, solid color (or print I don’t cringe at), great fit for my petite curvy frame, within budget, nice to have: traceable source if big corporation or small local craft

      • Tee

        Can you share some of your go-to brands or places you shop?

        I am trying to build a new wardrobe that isn’t hand-me-downs from friends and family and want things exactly as you do (natural fibers, mostly solid colors, petite curvy frame, inexpensive and from a traceable corporation).

        TIA!

        • Marshmallow

          Not OP but I want all those things too and recently refreshed my wardrobe. Everlane, Amour Vert, Eileen Fisher (a little over my price range but I like to drool), Kowtow (same re price), Athleta, Cuyana.

        • Houda

          Sure, it’s difficult to have brands that check all requirements so I have my requirements in order of importance here is the breakdown:
          Sweaters and cardigans: 100% cashmere from Uniqlo, relatively affordable, no logo and they have a very rich sustainability website
          Dresses: Hugo Boss, wool dresses only. I don’t feel comfortable (yet) paying full price so I stock up once per year when I visit a large outlet village. So far I have 6 dresses and they are plenty for my rotation.
          Shirts: 100% silk, I do blouses instead of buttoned shirts, I go for French brands and they are around 100 EUR before sales. Go to brands are: 1 2 3 and Caroll
          Pants and skirts, no luck so I default to Uniqlo for ankle pants and the Skirt (discontinued). When my last the Skirt dies, I will have to find alternatives
          Coats: Max Mara are petite friendly (depends on the design) and I only buy them from outlet villages
          My only surviving suit is from Brooks Brothers and it’s my interview/big meeting suit

    • Anonymous

      My go-to tricks:

      1. List of gender neutral toys that I fall back on as gifts…LEGO, books, mini Foosball etc
      2. Standard 2-3 mains (Indian dishes). Switch apps, dessert, etc
      3. Keys have a bowl by the entrance
      4. Go-to makeup of dark lippie and defined eyebrows. Nothing else needed.

      • Curious

        May I ask what those mains are? Been trying to set mine up with not much success. Any similar apps or desserts also helpful.

        • Two Cents

          May I ask what those mains are? Been trying to set mine up with not much success. Any similar apps or desserts also helpful.

        • Anonymous

          1. Chickpeas masala (chholey)
          2. Paneer with mixed veggies in a yummy gravy
          3. Palak paneer

          Apps would be mini masala Idlis, tomatoes stuffed with feta and drizzled with olive oil and rock salt, veg tikka, etc

        • Anonymous

          Dessert – choc mouse, orange choc brownies, fruit platter. If all else fails, ice cream and choc sauce!

      • Jo March

        It made me very happy that you listed LEGOs as a gender neutral toy.
        That’s all I ever wanted for birthdays growing up and I always more traditionally girly things that I didn’t want at all instead.

    • Betty

      This is so true, for me anyway, and I will be following along with interest. A few things that have made a huge difference:
      – My keys and badge always go in the same place (pocket of purse) to prevent the search for keys/badge
      – We eat the same rotation of meals: Monday-Crockpot, Tuesday-Tacos, Wednesday-Easy dinner (soup & sandwich), Thursday-Pasta, Friday-Pizza, Saturday-Order out
      – I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch (smoothie for breakfast and yogurt & granola for lunch)
      – I run at lunch every day I am in the office at noon. It is so routine that it is accepted, and I don’t question whether to go (unless I am sick, like now) and my coworkers know where I am and when I will be back
      – I pick out clothes for the week on Sunday, which keeps me from my default of all black, all the time
      – We order groceries once every two weeks from a to-go place
      – Pet food is on auto delivery
      I am all about decreasing the amount of decisions I have to make on a daily basis!

      • cdubb

        What kind of smoothie are you having for breakfast, and what kind of yogurt for lunch? I would be famished.

        • Torin

          I eat yogurt and granola for breakfast. 1 cup of full fat yogurt has about 150 calories (220 if it’s Greek) but is extremely filling, because of the fat. If I eat fat free yogurt, it’s not that many fewer calories but I’m starving in an hour.

          • Light grey pants

            And the sugar is less good for you too. Definitely full fat yogurt is great, and the Greek has so much protein. Love it.

          • Light grey pants

            And the sugar in “low fat” yogurt is less good for you too. Definitely full fat yogurt is great, and the Greek has so much protein. Love it.

    • Anonymouse

      1. Have a recurring tickler for cards needed for each month (birthday, anniversary etc) that pops up on todoist so I can then add to the target list. I also try to stock up on generic from etsy / dollar store for the unexpected (birthday party invite, sympathy).
      2. Have a stash of gift wrap supplies (Unclutterer has a good summary – google “Organizing gift wrapping supplies”) and generic gifts
      3. After each holiday, make notes with a tickler for 1 month before the holiday next year for any additional supplies, menu tweaks, craft ideas, etc.
      4. As others have noted, divide regular weekly tasks and assign them each a day, and then set reminders in todoist to remind me each day.
      5. Keep running potential gift lists for immediately family on my phone
      6. Annual tickler to reorder the AAA books for my local area each spring.

    • Fed Atty

      Since having my kid, I have a very complicated commute and schedule that are thrown into complete disaster if I forget an essential item. I used to be a very forgetful person, but now before I leave anywhere I do a keys, wallet, phone, (work badge) checklist where I physically touch each item. I’m not saying I *never* forget to do this, but it has cut way down on the forgetting.

    • Anonymous

      Keep all the “like” things together at home. Candles, gift bags, vases, entertaining supplies (silverware, cups, plates), china. . . etc. We have a supply closet for things like toilet paper, paper towels, toiletries so that’s where you go to refill the empty in the kitchen. This saves you from buying more when you see what you already have in one spot.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I get hair cuts and change the air filters in my house around the solstices and equinoxes. It’s the only way I remember on a regular schedule.

    • anon8

      I feel like I have no systems in place other than putting my keys in the same drawer every time when I get home. I also have my cable box set up to start on the local news channel when I turn on the TV in the morning.

    • AnonInfinity

      I recently started a “touch it once” rule. When I get the mail, I do not put the junk mail down on any horizontal surface. If I pick up a dirty dish, it goes directly in the dishwasher. This rule (I’m not sure if it’s a system) has helped me keep my house SO MUCH neater.

      I always put my keys, sunglasses, and wallet in the same spot every day. The only hitch is that I was having a flakey week a couple of weeks ago and did not do this, thereby throwing my life in complete disarray. I lost both my car key and my spare in the span of a few days. Luckily, they’ve turned up now, and order is restored.

      I also do the same mains for dinner parties. My rotation is pulled pork tacos, spaghetti and meatballs, or grilling out. Sometimes I get a wild hair and do something more complicated then wonder why I lost my mind. I always do some combination of cheese, salami, olives, hummus, salsa, guacamole, and cream cheese/pepper jelly for apps, as well.

      I have blank cards in a drawer in my kitchen that can be used for birthdays, congrats, get well–just about anything, and try to send at least one of those each week to someone I love.

    • Anonymous

      I keep thank-you/generic note cards + STAMPS in my car glove box and in my desk at my office.

      I try to always keep cards on hand for birthdays/weddings/sympathy, this is a work in progress.

      • Fishie

        Yes – pretty note cards and stamps in the office.

        Also packing tape in all vehicles so I can return packages without hassle.

    • Two Cents

      I love your mom’s hosting technique. Great idea. My go to brunch main is shakshuka. You can make the sauce ahead of time and it’s a snap to put together the day of and looks impressive yet it’s easy.

      One of my systems is I cook several large dishes on Sunday afternoon and that gets us through the week. I get home too late to start cooking dinner and it has made life 100% better than having hangry kids waiting for food.

      • Senior Attorney

        Wow I had to google that but it looks so delish that I want to host a brunch just so I can make it!

        • Two Cents

          You should try it! I use Torey Avey’s recipe, the NY Times also has a good one. It’s so easy and delicious.

        • Anonymous

          The Smitten Kitchen recipe is great! And I’ve also made poached cod and white beans in the sauce instead of eggs.

    • KKRvF

      1) Food; we don’t like repeats and I am frugal so the menu changes based on sales and season. I don’t work from home so have a command centre/office in my butler’s pantry/mudroom with mail slots for each kid, and a desk with other organization. I shop on the weekend and come home and pull my Freezer inventory clip board from inside my the cupboard door, a few cookbooks for inspiration, and my menu template. I sit down and plan five meals from what I have just bought. My template has columns for “night before prep” and “to buy”. I include any instructions for my Au Pair (like chop veggies, make salad). It gets posted in a transparent sleeve on the outside of the door for quick reference by all.
      2) Weekend Prep: I try to bulk cook on Sundays and never cook one thing at one time. While I am doing a more labour intensive weekend meal, I will use the Instant Pot to make a double batch of beans, a double of rice, a batch of boiled eggs, and a batch of yoghurt for the week. I will pound out some chicken breasts and marinate them after I unpack the groceries and then they can be pulled out for quick grilling, I try to make a salad dressing or some other cheat. I try to have one complete meal in the fridge ready for Tuesday, which is our tight evening.
      3) Mornings; I pack my bags the night before and lay out clothes (easy because for 8 months of the year I bike to work and put on my army uniform at work.
      4) Make-up; 90 second face in a small second bag I carry in my commuter bag
      5) Entertaining; make ahead, make the same half dozen recipes like your mother, with small seasonal, interesting tweaks.

    • EarlGrey

      1. Travel: keep mulitiples of every beauty item I like and keep them in my travel bag, also pack tweezers, face peels, hair masks etc. and other things that I like to do when traveling solo

      2. Keep packaging tape, lots of home address labels, scissors, envelopes and stamps in a box in my car so I can take care of all the returns on my way to work. Theres an amazon drop box right downstairs which is super convenient

      3. Amazon Prime everything that can be sent, including healthy snacks to my office so I am never craving cookies

      • Anon

        I cook and host a lot and these are the things that I find useful.
        1) I own basis corelle dishes because they are simple, light and stack easily. Don’t use giant fiesta wear.
        2) I have lot of glass containers that also have lids so that I can heat and store in the same container.
        3) I also have metal mixing bowls that have lids that I use to serve and store.
        4) I make extra sauces that I can freeze, i’ll use some the day of and freeze the rest for later use.
        5) One of my main to-go desserts if pound cake. I change it up by changing some basic flavors in the cake or toppings (adding blue berries or orange zest in the cake, pouring cooked frozen berries on top of the cake, chocolate, etc)
        6) I cook Indian food using slowcooker (garbanzo beans, kidney beans, daal) and serve with rice (use rice cooker and flavor it with cumin seeds cooked in pan with some olive oil and frozen peas) and raita (basic yogurt mix)
        7) To go side is mac and cheese, I switch up what I add (veggies, chipotle peppers)
        8)If hosting for a lot of people, I often order some food and cook some myself.

    • Anonymous

      About to subscribe to a service for exactly this reason… CookSmarts plans the meal and shopping list. I used it for 2 sample weeks now and I can already tell it’s going ot make my life easier.

    • anon

      I get ready in the exact same order every day. Down to excruciating detail, like wash hands after putting on make up, put hair up (I don’t do my hair), put jewelry on, get shoes out of the closet, etc. I hate mornings and this routine begins the second I wake up (put phone by purse by door, turn on kitchen light) and ends the second I leave (say goodbye to DH, turn off kitchen light, if he’s not up yet). I shower at night, pick out my clothes at night, and prepare my food at night.

    • Anon

      I have long worked to reduce my exposure to harmful household chemicals in cleaning supplies and personal care products, but making it more systematic and part of the routine has been the game-changer. I spend some time once researching the best product and then I use that product only from then on (so there’s no more decision fatigue). I also focus my efforts on the stuff that happens daily and don’t sweat the rest – for example, I reduce BPA exposure by making my daily cup of coffee in a glass coffeemaker instead of a plastic one, but then I don’t fret about eating canned food once in a while. I buy organic cotton pillowcases since I spend 8 hours a day in bed, but I don’t worry when I’m in a hotel. You get the idea. Make healthy choices the default and there you go.

      • Marshmallow

        Switching to Force of Nature to clean essentially everything in my home was pretty revolutionary in terms of getting rid of decision fatigue. I’ve yet to find a surface it doesn’t work on.

    • Jane

      In my phone I have a “standard grocery list,” of what I buy pretty much every week – all the items are roughly in order of the grocery store. Every Saturday I figure out the 2 meals I’ll cook for the upcoming week (2 days of leftovers) and I copy/paste the list and just edit to add whatever is needed for the meals, and delete what we might still have.

    • Coach Laura

      Not truly life-changing but epic for me was the discovery of a box of really nice, embellished greeting cards for bdays, new baby, wedding, sympathy, thank you, blank at Costco. Box of 25 for $25 or something. The box keeps them all together and also has folder dividers so I just reach in and pick one. When Costco didn’t have it this month, I bought a similar batch on amazon from Hallmark. But then I saw a box at Costco this week so now I have enough for a year.

      Not only is it a timesaver but saves remembering and a special trip to the store AND these are cards worth $3-4 retail so the savings really add up.

    • AnonInAustin

      This thread is why I come here every day. Thank you everyone for talking about your systems! Sooooo helpful.

  5. Anon

    What are your favorite websites to buy discount clothing? I’m looking for new sneakers, new workout clothes, maybe a new fleece jacket. I’m not looking for designer clothes, just mid-range brands at a discount.

    • Veronica Mars

      Amazon Warehouse Deals (google it to get there, they hide it on their main site)

    • Ms B

      For the fleece, Sierra Trading Post, especially if you do not normally have fit issues and LL Bean if you might (they have coupons more or less constantly and lots of things in clearance or on deep sale). For workout clothes, the Nord Rack website has good deals if you are willing to dig and can deal with the shipping (either by being a cardholder or making a large enough order).

      Also, eBates or Mr. Rebates at all times.

      • Anon

        I thought the Rack only had free shipping if you spent over $100, even if you’re a Nordstrom cardholder?

      • ollie

        A caveat about the Rack website – I’ve had them mess up orders on several occasions now (wrong color, wrong style, etc.). Easy to return to the store but at that point I’d rather just shop in person.

    • K

      Not a website but I’ve had good luck with buying workout clothes at Marshall’s/TJ Maxx.

    • Cb

      For workout clothes, I’d go to Gap when they are doing one of their good sales. Their leggings aren’t Lululemon but good value for money.

    • Anon

      TJ Maxx does have a website, and if you’re looking for outdoorsy casual clothes, they own Sierra Trading Post and their online website is great. As a devoted TJM shopper, I was beyond thrilled to find outdoor clothes at a discount.

    • Anon.

      I actually get a lot of random workout clothes and just got a North Face fleece from Woot.

  6. At last

    I finally got an offer and accepted it. Yay.
    But I was in process with several recruiters and in-house HR for at least 15 positions.
    Do I have to inform all of them that I am off the market (proactively) or do I only inform those who follow up?
    In a couple cases, I was quite advanced in interviewing but they are slow, the job is right and I need the money.
    P.S. I know I should celebrating, but I like to check things off of my to do list first

    • Ellen

      HOLD OFF for the time being to make sure you are accepted by the new place –you have to take drug tests which include urine tests, so DONT eat bagels with poppy seeds before you pee in the cup, or you will get a FALSE positive!

      Myrna failed a drug test with her bank just b/c of the bagel with poppy seeds. She told them and she got to retake the test, and fortunately she ate bagels with Sesame Seeds, which did NOT give off a false positive. She told me this a few years ago, but I thought the HIVE ought to know about this.

      Also, if your boyfreind is doeing any kind of drugs, and you are intimate with him the night before your test, you may also get a false positive. YAY!!!!

    • Sheri

      Congratulations!

      Better inform the other searches that you’ve accepted another position. It doesn’t need to be a big deal. Write a little form email thanking them for discussing position X with you. You’re no longer interested (or provide your new contact details as appropriate); you hope you’ll have an opportunity work together in the future. Send separately to each recruiter.

    • ace

      I would say inform any internal recruiters you’ve had contact with in the last month or so… and then any headhunters you’ve worked closely with in the last 3 mos. using a couple sentence form email (“Hi Recruiter, I wanted to let you know that I’ve accepted a job with X, starting next month, so will be ending my search. Thanks for your time!”)
      When I was in this position, I still had several applications that were out there that i hadn’t been formally rejected on, and I certainly wouldn’t bother reaching out to a company you applied for several months ago.

  7. J

    Looking for an online resource for how blazers and different cuts of pants should fit. I’m taking some things to the tailor next week and would like to get it right. Can anyone help? Thanks!

  8. Anonymous

    I’m hoping I can get some recommendations over a problem I’m encountering. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a bit of perfectionist and it has the tendency to drive my team nuts. The complicating factor is that I’m in a career (big4) where perfectionism is seemingly rewarded. How have others balanced the two?

    • Anon

      By “my team” do you mean people you manage? My boss is a perfectionist. It has absolutely made me a better lawyer. As long as you’re kind, fair, about how you give feedback, etc., I think this is simply something the people you manage can get over. If they can’t handle it, are your expectations actually unrealistic? Maybe they’re just not meant for big4 work? If you mean folks you don’t manage, then I’d just make sure you’re not trying to correct their work or manage them. If your tendencies aren’t really affecting them and it still bothers them, that’s their problem.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks. Yes, I mean the team I manage. It’s frustrating as I try really hard to be positive and constructive in my feedback, set expectations up front and fix for myself “errors” (things like following our firm style guide – beat into my brain by past experiences but admittedly not deal breakers). I still sense frustration and am trying to keep myself honest on expecting good, quality work and acknowledging that everyone gets frustrated at some point with their boss. The complicating factor is my boss is very laid back (because he trusts I’ll catch the problems and has told me so) and so the team thinks I’m more demanding than necessary.

        • Anon

          I’m not in big4. I’m in law. Not biglaw. Medium to small law in a medium to small city. My boss used to be in bigger law. In my experience, this type of perfectionism goes with the territory. Are others who are lateral to you experiencing the same issues with their team members? Are your team members at the stage where they’re likely to be weeded out (go in house, to smaller firms, etc?) It might be natural at the stage they’re in for this to be the time when they decide whether they can handle the high work quality required by a big name firm/brand.

    • CHL

      To me I think it’s the difference between demanding high-quality, and a) making people do things exactly how you would do it, even if there are other perfectly legitimate ways, and b) taking things over yourself. Ensure you have set clear expectations and have time built in to provide feedback. I think what drives people crazy is doing 17 different reviews going late into the night when you should have just said that only 12 point Comic Sans font was acceptable in the first place. Learning to assess risk of “failure” and helping them test news skills in more safe situations can also be helpful so that they learn and can then do those things with clients.

    • TheElms

      I think its a matter of how you handle it. I’m a senior associate who struggles with typos. I always have and always will. I know and use all the tricks and as a result I typically only have 1-2 typos per 10 pages of written work, but that’s still 1 or 2 too many. One partner I work with simply corrects them and lets me know that they fixed a couple typos on page 2. Another partner sends me back a redline with comments that say things like: I don’t understand this quote because it is missing the beginning double quote or in a sentence with the word “not” rather than “note” a comment bubble saying the sentence makes no sense. I’m fine with the first approach. The second approach drives me looney. Don’t do the second approach please!

    • anon

      Done is better than perfect. Repeat it to yourself every day, multiple times per day. I took it from Lean In and Sheryl Sandberg seems to be doing pretty ok with that mantra so I can too! I worked with a partner who had a similar phrase and she was in a nationally recognized quality role – I learned a lot by being able to say “good enough for X” and move on to the next thing.

      I agree with the previous commenters and also you didn’t specify level or line of service but it’s a common development point for senior associates as they move from being a doer to a reviewer (this could be a bad guess on my part but for context this is coming from a Big4 audit senior manager).

      You’re correct that quality accurate work is expected but it’s not rewarded the way efficiency, staying on budget, business development, technical acumen and relationship development is. Look to some of the successful managers and senior managers in your practice and I think you’ll find that most of them are able to not sweat the small stuff – frankly there just isn’t time. You’ll be rewarded because you can use your judgment to determine what is important and what isn’t. (If I could underline that last sentence I would.)

      For actionable things you can do (that I do/have done):
      – repeat “done is better than perfect” – especially for internal documentation that’s not going to clients
      – if you’re getting feedback from those above you ask them for specific examples or what they do in that situation.
      – if it is things like formatting make a short (short!) checklist of the things that irk you most and share with your team (i.e., use calibri font size 9, check that tables have consistent borders, numbers are formatted using accounting and rounded to 2 decimal places, etc.), make standard template if there is testing that your team will perform multiple times (and otherwise be set up differently by each person). For large projects I sold this to the team as it’s just easier to look at the 57th spreadsheet if your eyes aren’t constantly adjusting – it’s less about meeting my standard and more about making it easy to look at volume.
      – set a timer – reviewing this memo should take x minutes. if it’s taking longer step back and review your review – is it taking forever because you’re “perfecting” or because you’re actually “correcting” and providing substantive feedback.

      You’ll start to notice your own “perfectionist” tendencies and you’ll likely find that some of them are less about being perfect and more about how you would do it and sure it might be perfect but maybe you could have just been done and gone home already.

      • anon

        Someone told me once “don’t letter perfection get in the way of excellence”. You have to prioritize efficiency too, and spending an extra hour on something looking for a missing comma is counter productive.

      • Anonymous

        Yes all of this, I was an audit SM before moving to industry. Develop systems, e.g. if I’m reviewing I am looking for X, Y, Z, otherwise I do not care about formatting or structure, and rely on some of the systems firms have in place to ensure quality. Think about different acceptable outcomes; in my experience perfectionism was sometimes associated with an inability to be commercial as people would push the ‘right’ solution rather than one that was justifiable to a regulator, and that ultimately restricts your ability to progress. Also, one of my staff once mentioned that spending time stressing about formatting, typos etc was a way of them procrastinating actually doing the work. None of this may be applicable to you, but if it does resonate then a few things to think about.

  9. Spring Cleaning

    My closet is about 10 years overdue for a thorough spring cleaning/purge, but I’m incredibly overwhelmed and have no idea where to start. Tips for how to make this process easier?

    • J

      I just did this. First some motivation: I was one of those people who seemingly had a ton of clothes, but nothing to wear. I was brutal in purging everything that didn’t fit or I hadn’t worn in the last year. I only kept a few pieces that didn’t fit the bill because I truly love them and it isn’t out of the question that they’d fit again in the near future. It has been so amazing to be able to actually identify the gaps in my closet by getting rid of all that stuff. I realized I don’t have gray pants that fit, casual long sleeved shirts that aren’t sweaters, etc. It has been so helpful to allow me to spend my clothing budget on clothes I need and will actually wear a lot. Second, I found it easier to focus on groups of clothes. Like today, I’m going to do dresses and tomorrow sweaters, etc., etc. Once you get going, it actually goes a lot faster than you think. You’ll probably keep going.

    • Pompom

      I hate to endorse this, because it’s so polarizing, but the Marie Kondo advice on the process–not the whole joy and thanking your bra thing–of purging is helpful.

      Take it all out. Dump it all on the floor. Evaluate each thing based on whether you like it, when you’ve worn it last, whether it is a crutch or an extra, how you feel when you wear it, what it goes with, etc. Sort into piles (keep, donate, TBD).

      Wine and good music help this.

      • Torin

        The dump it on the floor advice is clearly for people who don’t have pets. I’d have to wash everything after sorting it, both to donate and put it back in my closet!

        • Pompom

          Haha I have two pretty floofy pups, and when I did this a few years ago, I modified it to “dump everything on the bed.”

          OTOH, if you’ve also been putting off spring cleaning…two birds, one stone? More wine?

      • YES

        Almost through KonMari-ing my whole house and it has been incredible.

        Adding for those of you who keep impeccable houses and pride yourselves in being super neat and organized: (1) You can definitely benefit from this, way more than you think, and (2) thanking things sounds really lame and unnecessary. However, I found that it completely changed the way I approached sentimental things. I am a words of affirmation person, so I never wanted to throw away cards from close friends and family or materials from my first year of practice. Thanking it, taking a moment to consider what happiness it brought, and letting it go is so helpful. I was able to clear out all of the random odds and ends that were well organized in a drawer, but not needed.

    • Shenandoah

      I’m gearing up to do some spring cleaning this weekend, and I feel like the #1 thing I remind myself is to ditch it if it’s a) something I haven’t worn in a year, and b) if it’s something that I’m keeping because of a hypothetical. So if I’m holding on to a dress because it would be cute if I were really lean and going on a cruise, but I’m neither at that weight now nor have a cruise planned for the foreseeable future, then into the donation pile it goes.

    • Anonymous

      I break it up according to how my clothes are organized. For dressers, I go through one drawer at a time. For my closet, I’ll tackle either by item type – i.e., suits – or by section of the closet. I can’t imagine taking everything out of my closet and dumping it on the ground – maybe that works for some people but I think I’d get overwhelmed and just let it sit there. I have a pretty high tolerance for mess.

    • 2 Cents

      If you have a friend who can be brutally honest with you about clothing (and you like her style or she, at least, understands yours if you differ in taste), that also helps. I appreciate it after a long day of decision fatigue having someone else say “that’s not the greatest fit on you for XYZ reasons. Better to just donate and start over.” And depending how many clothes you have, doing it by category (all the dresses, all the t-shirts) might be less overwhelming than a huge pile of clothes in the middle of the bed.

      • AIMS

        +1 My best friend came over last year and in one hour I was able to throw away so much! She literally would just say ‘you can’t wear that anymore’ and she was so right.

        • Mrs. Jones

          I wish I could make this my job. I love getting rid of things and advising other to get rid of things.

    • Anonymous

      I have a basket that sits in my bedroom. If I try something on and then take it back it off right away, I try to stop and think – does it not work anymore? Does it work with anything in my closet? If I can’t think of something else it works with and I don’t like the way it fits, it goes in the basket.

      I’m also in the process of moving, so it’s been incentive for those shirts that I didn’t wear all winter or the summer before because the sleeves are too short, but don’t stay rolled up and the pants that have been sitting on the shelf for at least 1, maybe 2 years, to go in the donate pile.

    • Anon

      My mother has a hard time getting rid of things because she “spent good money on them.” It doesn’t matter whether they were expensive or not; it’s more about the idea that it’s “wasteful” to throw away “perfectly good clothing.” If it helps, think about someone else being able to really appreciate the item and get more wear out of it than you have. It’s also ok to say, “Hey, these are just clothes. And sometimes you make a $40 mistake. But I’ll move on and buy items that are more suited to me.”

      • J

        Yes! I have adopted this mindset with work clothes and donate them to Dress for Success. It helps a ton.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Yes! As someone who still sometimes hits second hand stores for clothes I need (‘need’?) that I can’t buy new, it’s easy to imagine, “OK, this jacket never fit quite right over my b00bs, but surely a woman with smaller b00bs also needs a nice jacket, and now she can have it!”

      • Anonymous

        It also costs me money to have the closet/drawers to hold all the clothes I never wear… once money is spent it’s spent and holding onto dresses I haven’t worn since I was 25 isn’t giving them more value to me.

  10. Anon

    I found out yesterday that a co-worker has been complaining about me to my supervisor at work. I’m relatively new so I’m trying to address what he’s said, even though I don’t think he was at all justified (and none of it even relates to him, just busybody stuff about when I come and go, etc.)

    I’ve never worked at a place where people are monitoring their coworkers like that, and I’m torn on how to deal with it. I have to travel with the complaining guy this week and I’m annoyed enough that it’s making it hard to be civil. Any tips?

    • MJ

      If the supervisor hasn’t said anything (not sure how you found out) I would document your activity to support your argument against what he is saying. Then continue to succeed.

      Then on the trip, just be professional and kill him with kindness. Don’t overshare, etc. What a turd though!

      I was in a similar situation and management was annoyed by his tattletale-ness and it backfired and wasn’t an issue to me.

      • lsw

        I also had a similar issue with a clock-watcher and it was really hard for me not to do anything – I wanted to defend myself! Ultimately I realized it reflected more on her than me. Just keep killing it and doing an awesome job. He’s the one who will look petty and strange. (And vent your rage in some other way. I had some pretty good workouts around that time.)

        • Anonymous

          Yes to all this. I am dealing with an annoying petty co-worker right now and my strategy – which is working – is to be nice, crush my work, and let off steam in the gym. I realized last night that I actually should be thankful to this woman, as every time I get a crappy email from her, it motivates me to have a really great workout that night.

    • tazdevil

      What are the nature of “Whiny Walter’s” complaints? Do you have to collaborate with him on any projects or do you just share the same manager, but work on your own tasks?

    • Torin

      Complainers gonna complain. Unless your supervisor tells you to do something about it, don’t worry about it. Forget you even know about it. Continue to be civil.

    • anon

      Gross. As long as this person isn’t senior to you, then I’d just ignore– generally in most reasonable workplaces, complaining about your coworkers is not a good look. If it was criticism or a concern about your work from someone who has the authority to evaluate you, that’s different, but that doesn’t sound like what’s going on her. We have a whiner in my office who is a little junior to me, but not much, and it is NOT well received by the higher ups.

  11. Style this!

    I just got a pair of J.Crew’s easy pants (for $8!) in a rose pink velvet, and I’m thinking I want to wear them to a friend’s wedding. How would you style them? (No rules for the wedding style – it’s as formal or informal as I want; only thing is part will be outside in the early spring so it might be chilly for that 20 minutes.)

    I’m 5’10”, so the pants are pretty cropped on me. I have an hourglass figure with a bigger chest, wear size 12 or 14. The pants are now sold out in that color but I’ll try to post a pic underneath.

    I’d love to hear ideas for color and style of top and anything else!

  12. Wow

    The regular version of this dress is only 35 inches. Unless you’re 5 feet tall I don’t understand how it can be work appropriate. It’s cute but I would save it for the weekend.

    • Anonymous

      That’s knee length on me (5’2″) but I don’t think sweater dresses are business casual. This is good for jeans Friday, or a weekend client/work event, or working after hours. Bonus that it would probably travel well, so it’d be great to toss in your bag when you’re out of town for a long trial and need something presentable to wear over the weekends.

      I wouldn’t wear this for normal weekend fun because it’s way too conservative – knee-length (on me), high neckline, elbow length sleeves, plus this blah shade of gray… heck my church clothes are more fun.

      • Anonymous

        I’m going to argue with you – I DO think sweater dresses (at least this one) can be business casual. Definitely not business formal, but it’s dressier than casual.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I vote sweater dresses as perfectly appropriate business casual attire. I’m wearing one right now in my conservative NY biglaw office where more of the men are wearing suits than those who aren’t.

    • PolyD

      I’m 5’3″ and 36 inches for dresses is about perfect for me. But, I don’t get the pearl-clutching over 35 inches. For a lot of women, that’s not exactly booty shorts length.

      And there are lots and lots of offices where a sweater dress would be super-fancy for everyday wear.

      FYI, probably wouldn’t work for this one, but I’ve successfully had dresses and skirts that were just a touch too short let out at the hem. For me it’s a proportion thing – I don’t think 35 inch dresses are disgracefully short on me, but somehow the proportions look better with just a bit more length. I think I might be on the slightly long-legged side for my height – petite pants are never quite long enough.

  13. Pale Girl Snorkeling

    Preface: I’m so happy to be divorced, my marriage was BAD. That said…

    Some days when I’m trying to juggle taking care of myself, my house, my pets and my job I get upset that I have to do this all alone now. When I got married in my early 20s I expected that I was getting a life partner, instead I got a toxic husband who nearly destroyed my life and was expensive to get rid of. But, now I’m the only one to take the cats to the vet, clean the house, pay the bills, and still manage a professional career and that’s hard some days. How do others who’ve found themselves living solo later in life cope with the day to day stresses that used to be shared? And all this on only one income now so outsourcing my life can only happen so much.

    • Anonymous

      Well, I’m 35 and have been single my entire adult life, and I just get on with it? Yes, sometimes it’s really hard. But you just got to do it. And, as you’ve learned, you’re better off doing it alone than with someone who makes life harder.

      • Anon

        Same. I’ve never had a partner to help out, so I just get it done because that’s the only option . . .

      • Anon

        Yeah, but that’s not what she’s been used to, so that’s what makes it a bit harder for her now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 38, single (and have been for a while), have owned my own house for 10 years (always alone) and have always had pets (2 cats plus a dog), and you just do it. Granted, I have a short commute (20 minutes) and for the last several years have had a great work-life balance where I don’t work nights or weekends. I do, however, have two hobbies which consume the majority of my free time (each evening can easily be filled with one of them and I do them both once per weekend).

      My house isn’t spotless, but I DGAF. If someone is coming over, I tidy up and that’s going to have to be good enough. I try to give it a good clean once a week, but sometimes that gets pushed off for something fun. I do my laundry in spurts, I manage to see friends when I want to, and I batch cook for lunches on the weekend.

      I use a pet sitter when needed, but that’s the only thing I outsource. I don’t use Amazon or any other delivery services. I’m not trying to be an a$$, but it just get done. You figure it out.

    • Coalea

      I’m 38 and a lifelong singleton. I often find myself getting down about not having a partner – not only for romance and companionship, but also for mundane things like sharing chores, errands, and all that kind of thing. I don’t really have any advice for you, but I will say that your question made me realize that perhaps when I’m feeling resentful of those who have someone to share the burden, I should be grateful that I’m not dealing with a horrible partner! Maybe try to focus on the ways in which your life is better since your divorce? Good luck!

    • Anon

      I was in your shoes. And I was really surprised at that adjustment period that you’re in now – where you realize that wow, spouse actually was helpful, even though I never thought of it that way (because I was too busy thinking of him in the sense of our failing dynamics). I hired a housekeeper to take that load off and as a mental/emotional treat to myself. The rest I did on weekends. And that meant that if a vet/hairdresser/etc didn’t have weekend hours, I wasn’t their client anymore.

    • Anonymous

      I’m living alone but married – it’s not a normal situation at all – but I can relate. Here’s what helps me (although still leaves me quite lonely a lot of the time):
      -Figure out self-care. Massages help. Therapist helps. Writing helps. Acceptance of my current situation helps.
      -Find/cultivate a go-to girlfriend who will remember the day to day things and let you vent on a regular (multiple times per work).
      -Making my house “hygge” helps – soft lighting, candles, a snuggly blanket, a cat – all help with the feeling of intimacy I don’t have in other areas of my life. It’s kind of like dating myself.

      • Pale Girl Snorkeling

        Oh yes, these are all good ideas. I have an SO who, for various reasons, won’t be living with any time soon. And I did the distance marriage thing for a while – its not easy and I’m glad you’ve found ways to cope.

    • How Long?

      I could have written this post like you wouldn’t even believe. My marriage just ended about 7 months ago, so I am still struggling with this. In moments of strength, I try to frame myself as a bada** who is getting it all done on my own in this fabulous new life. That works probably 70% of the time. The rest of the time I just get through it all the best I can and tell myself that it doesn’t all have to be perfect to be fine. Like, it’s ok if my trash doesn’t get down to the curb every single week. The only other thing that has really helped me is looking to my friends who have been in similar situations and seeing that time really does heal, and it all seems much more manageable once you’re used to it and also not dealing so urgently with the emotional fallout of the divorce/bad marriage.

      • Pale Girl Snorkeling

        I’m almost 3 years separated and yes it does get better. Although I’ve actually found it slightly harder dealing with the day to day new reality now that all the divorce drama and stress are in my past. Sometimes my dishes don’t get done and you know what, I’ve decided I’m ok with that. They will still be there in the morning for me to deal with and at least no one else is in my house to complain

    • Anonymous

      How much housework is there for one person? Isn’t it kind of like college/dorm living? Also get rid of the pets and then there’s less to take care of.

      • Huh?

        Hmm. Curious about this line of thought: why do these seem like good assumptions or conclusions?

      • Pale Girl Snorkeling

        What? Nothing about this makes sense. I own a house, its a LOT more work than a dorm and I don’t even have a big house. My last dorm was literally 1 room and someone else cleaned all the shared areas.

        As for my pets I would never get rid of them. They are some of the best parts of my life and I never resent having to clean up after them or the time I spend with them. Sometimes it’s a bit of a challenge to get all those vet visits in, but otherwise they are amazing. My divorce agreement listed the cats I kept by name, that’s how important they are to me. I think I would be very lonely without my chatty cats and funny poodle to come home to every day.

      • Anonymous

        Well, it’s definitely not like dorm living, thank god. Though I found living alone to be very easy because no one was around to make any messes. I cleaned for maybe an hour a week and my house was always beautiful and spotless and exactly the way I wanted it. If I left something somewhere, it stayed there and didn’t grow legs and walk away. Nobody ate all the ice cream I was saving or wanted to make something I didn’t want for dinner. Nobody washed my cashmere sweater on hot water and ruined it. I wish I had those days back, in a way. Instead of being stressed, delight in the solitude!

      • Anonymous

        Pretty much the same amount of housework as for two people? Cooking for 1 uses just as many dishes as cooking for 2. Dust collects at the same rate even if there’s only one person around. My roof doesn’t care how many people are living under it, it will need to be replaced when it needs to be replaced.

        Like, having 2 adults instead of 1 doesn’t double the amount of work to be done. One extra adult adds… their laundry and 1 extra plate/dish/set of silverware per meal. That’s it.

        • Anonymous

          I miss the edit button: Cooking for 1 uses just as many *pans* as cooking for 2.

      • Coalea

        Being a single adult, whether you rent or own your home, is not even remotely like college/dorm life.

  14. Anonymous

    Anyone have recs for a couples therapist in the Cincinnati area? Trying to sift through credentials is proving to be quite a daunting task! Thanks!

  15. Anon for this

    Need to vent about professional related thing, and maybe someone has advice:

    I volunteer a lot with my state bar’s young lawyers and oversee a few committees. I have one committee where the two chairs take on a lot of writing projects. The problem is these people are terrible writers. They also love to “edit” my work to add in stuff, but half the time they are just adding in words and nothing that actually adds substance. It makes me cringe.

    • Anon for this

      Some more detail: there is loads of passive voice, typos, needlessly complex sentences, etc. Those kind of mistakes.

      Do I mention it to these people (it’s just two guys)?

    • Anonymous

      I’m confused… whose name is on the final product? If it’s yours, then disregard their comments and move on. If it’s theirs, then it’s kind of their problem, but I’d definitely stop volunteering to write for them.

    • Tee

      Here’s some suggestions for your response:
      “I took your edits under advisement but think the message is more clear/accurate/whatever in the way it was originally formatted.”
      “Thanks for the edits, I incorporated the one’s that worked with the vision I had for this piece.”
      “I got your edits late and had to post the piece before X o clock. I have taken them into consideration for the next project.”

      You could also just ignore their edits without comment or put out the writing without requesting their feedback.

      Obviously, this all depends on the structure of the organization, the position of the chairs relative to yours, and the need for collaboration on these projects.

  17. Nervous

    I’m at a smaller market office of a biglaw firm. Another associate in my group was let go this week and I just found out. We were both senior associates and he started about 6 months before me. I have been at the firm for a little over a year. The head of the group said he was let go for utilization issues, but I know he met his hours last year and got a bonus, though he had mentioned to me a few times recently that he was low on work. I have been very busy this year but did not meet my hours last year and did not get a bonus. I’m feeling really uneasy about this. Is my whole group in trouble and should I be worried? any advice for navigating this moving forward?

  18. Vent

    I just need to vent about annoying family dynamics. My parents divorced when me and my siblings were adults. It sucks and was surprisingly hard, even though all of us were out of the house. Stuff like holidays have become trickier to navigate, particularly when my parents are still in the pointedly ignoring each other stage. But what makes it even MORE annoying are things like big family events, like my sister’s upcoming wedding, that require us to travel and find hotels and apparently negotiate who is going to stay with whom. Like, my mom wants me, DH, and kid plus my brother to stay with her to reduce expenses… sure, we can do that, but me and sibling also need to think about dad, who is struggling financially and can’t shoulder all of the expenses by himself. And then it becomes this thing where I’m rejecting my mom, burdening myself with my dad who is a fully competent adult who otherwise can’t take care of himself, and feeling guilty about this whole situation. I know I don’t need to take this on or even feel guilty about it, but in some ways I have to because my brother will definitely not step up to navigate these issues and my parents can’t be effing adults about it. ARGH.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t. At all. You need to stop. Book your own hotel. Leave your adult parents to figure out their arrangements.

      • Anon

        +1. Harsh, but true. At some point, you have to draw these boundaries, and something like a shared hotel room tends to bring out the worst in family dynamics.

      • Anonymous

        In the same shoes (parents divorced when we kids were already adults), and yeah, pretty much this. Your parents are fully capable of figuring this out for themselves, and you need to let them do so. Sometimes that will mean one parent (or both) will pout like a child instead of going to a thing, but that’s not a problem for you to solve.

        If there is something my parents *need* to be at (like a siblings wedding), and they absolutely *cannot* afford an aspect of it (like, literally cannot afford a hotel room, not just “it would be cheaper if we bunked together”), I will occasionally provide financial assistance, but it’s neutrally provided to whoever needs it (and is within a budget I can comfortably afford myself, or with my sibs’ help if they agree to help).

        When they are in the “not talking to each other” phase, they will use any excuse (finances, logistics, unspecified “difficulties” doing a thing on their own out of nowhere even though they did it a million times while married) to get you “on their side.” Do not play the game. Do not get sucked in. It will never end well. (Ask me how I know?)

    • Light grey pants

      It is pretty stressful. You are right.

      But try to keep things in perspective. It isn’t that hard to solve. It is the overarching guilt that is the hard part.

      If you can afford it, with your sister you pay for your father’s hotel room. That is fair if your Mom is staying with you for free. If your sister can afford to get married in this location, this is something your sister should include in the cost of her wedding, and it is a nice gift of you to help with this. Share frequent flier miles or $$ to help with plane tickets. This is a special once in a lifetime event. It is worth the money to help them.

      Talk to family members on your mother’s side, and your father’s side now. Ask some of them to help you with entertaining of that parent so it doesn’t fall on you alone to juggle it.

      You try your best not to pick sides, shut down the bad talk when your parents want to vent to you about the other parent. Plan your script ahead of time, and stick with it.

      If you can….. Find a support group for your parent in their home town, if they can’t afford therapy (which honestly, every newly divorced person could probably benefit from….).

      And remember to breathe….

      Yes, it is hard. But better now than later, and honestly….. still better now than when you were a kid by the sounds of it.

    • Anonymous

      Remember, no matter how inconvenient and stressful for you….. this is devastating for them. Mercy…

      Loss of a partner late in life and financial devastation. Now they also lose half of the time they used to spend with their kids. It is very very difficult.

      My parents also separated at a similar time. It was really awful for them. Financially and emotionally. They each sunk into a deep depression. I was not as supportive as I should have been, too wrapped up in my own life and complained about the inconvenience (which it is… no doubt).

      Try to be a bit mature about this and see things from their perspective. They are just people. Probably trying their best. I honestly do not see anything in your OP that they are doing wrong at the moment… at all. Please don’t take your own pain and guilt out on them.

      Venting is a great help. I hope you are close with your sister and are able to support each other.

    • anon

      I totally hear this. (My parents divorced when I was a kid, then my mom and stepdad (who raised me) divorced when I was an adult. Both were pretty ugly situations.) The problem here is that you have some logistical problems to address, which it sounds like you are happy to help with (in terms of $, booking rooms, etc), which are of course layered with emotional problems…

      My two cents is that I try to solve the logistical problems, where I am able and willing to do so, without getting tied up in the emotional back-and-forth between my parents. For example, in your shoes I would help with the costs of accommodations where possible, but I would not be willing to stay in the same room with a parent–because that’s as much an emotional thing as a logistical thing and frankly, in these situations I REALLY need my space from both parents. Take care of your emotional needs first, then figure out the logistics.

      The other thing that is hard is that it sounds like your parents genuinely need emotional support right now–mine certainly did. But I also don’t know that the child of a divorced couple is the right person to provide that support, at least not in certain ways. My strategy has always been to advocate for my parents to get support from friends, therapists, etc.–not to provide it myself, because I am still processing my own emotions from the divorce and ongoing drama. Far easier said than done and I get tons of blowback from my mom about it in particular. But that’s at least my goal. Recognizing that they need a certain kind of support does not mean that you have to be the one who gives it.

  19. Gail the Goldfish

    What’s people’s favorite places to buy cocktail/event types dresses? I need something to wear to a wedding in a few weeks and everything I’m seeing either looks too young or has some combination of cold shoulders, weird ruffles, or asymmetrical hems. Where can I find a less trendy style dress for someone in their 30s?

    • Gail the Goldfish

      And preferably some place with brick and mortar stores or quick US shipping, since I think I’ve left it too late to order something from Hobbs (which is more or less the style I’m going for)

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Ooh, they have one I like and have 2 day shoprunner shipping. Thanks!

    • Rainbow Hair

      I think you just have to do some deep diving into the department stores. Like, Macys will have 3490823948 cold shoulder styles, and then three normally sleeved dresses.

  20. Anonmously Frustrated

    Any tips on how to deal with that one person you just seem to have difficulty dealing with at work? I am currently taking a “high-road” approach, but am getting increasingly frustrated. This person consistently speaks and behaves like they are the only authority and that comments or questions that I or others make are not relevant, not right, or a waste of time to bring up. If you don’t come to the same conclusion they do, you are just wrong. I am fairly thick-skinned, but concerned I am going to lose my temper at some point. This person is a favorite of executive leadership, senior to me (except right now, as I am acting at their level) and my boss has basically said it’s up to me to sort it out with the person.

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