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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 277 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Penelope Stretch Wool Pencil Skirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Navy Skirt: Elie Tahari Penelope Stretch Wool Pencil SkirtOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This simple navy pencil skirt at Bloomingdale’s looks awesome — it’s highly rated, from a quality brand (Elie Tahari) on a pretty deep discount (50%), and there are lots of sizes left. Alas, it looks like the matching blazer is sold out, but if you really like it you can pay full price over at ElieTahari. The pictured skirt is $99, available in sizes 0-14 at Bloomingdale’s. Elie Tahari Penelope Stretch Wool Pencil Skirt Here's a lower-priced version, and here's an option with petite and plus sizes. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. KT

    This may be a ridiculous question, but I am fashion-impaired when it comes to anything but matching things to black.

    Let’s say you are very pale. Like, creepy little girl from the Ring pale. What shoes do you wear with a navy skirt? if I wear nude-for-me heels, they’re basically ivory or bone colored, which looks a bit silly to me with a navy skirt; it just seems like too drastic of a contrast. What other color shoes work?

    • CPA Lady

      I have some gray patent leather heels that look great with navy. I’m also super pale.

      • HSAL

        Grey is my go-to with navy. But there are lots of options that work – green, purple, maybe cognac or tan. I don’t like darker browns with navy.

    • Anonymous

      Camel looks great with navy and won’t look like you’re trying to match your skin. I also think ivory or bone is fine with navy.

        • CX

          +1 to cognac

          I used to have almost exclusively cognac accessories when I was first building my professional wardrobe. It works with navy and black– total young professional wallet and closet space-saver.

    • AIMS

      In the summer I wear pale dusty pink. I’m pretty pale and I think it looks good.
      I also like brown, gray, oxblood, purple, and, if the navy is bright enough, even black. That, I usually do when I’m wearing black tights (w/a black or black and blue patterned top and lapis jewelry to make it look intentional).

      • Anonymous

        I’m wearing a navy skirt, navy tank, and teal open cardigan with navy pumps today. Depending on what coordinates best with the rest of my outfit, I’ll wear red, grey, black, or nude for me with navy. If I had them, I would also wear burgundy, purple, emerald, or teal pumps with navy. Cognac looks nice on other people, but I don’t like how it looks against my skin, so it’s not for me.

    • Anonymous

      I use enough sunless tanner to come close to matching my “nude” shoes. Or “nude” fishnets.

    • Anonymous

      Wear tan, almond, etc – “nude for you” heels aren’t really supposed to be an exact match for your skin tone and ivory shoes may read as summery when your suit isn’t. Navy is a neutral though, really any color will go.

      • Desk Organization

        +1.

        i’m very pale and have never worn a nude shoe that is actually nude for me.

    • SR

      How about burgundy? Or grey? Or snakeskin print which I basically wear as a neutral?

    • Anonymous

      I am also pasty pale and wear “nude” shoes that are a little darker than my skin tone (“maple sugar patent” from Cole Haan). This works fine with navy, black, and all sorts of other dark colors. Sheer hose also help.

    • jwalk

      Nude for you heels, tan, dusty pink, cognac (pretty much any brown), navy, gray, oxblood, burgundy, green, leopard print…. seriously, the options are endless.

    • Anonymous

      leopard looks fantastic with navy! I am also freaky deaky pale, and I love cognac with just about everything.

    • Constant Reader

      I’m pretty pale and wear navy pumps, any shade of red from true red (depends on your top) to burgandy/Oxblood or purple, and a nude for me pair of pumps that I think look just fine! I would also wear pinkish or pink pumps.

      • JayJay

        And in the summer, I’ll wear coral shoes with a navy skirt and white top. Coral and navy are my favorite colors to combine (with maybe a turquoise accent).

        • pugsnbourbon

          I don’t include navy in my capsule wardrobe but this combo sounds so pretty!

    • CountC

      I’m see through skin pale. With my navy skirt I wear: leopard print, black patent, blush patent, blush snakeskin, grey, nude-for-me, burgundy/wine, red patent, green, erm, so basically almost any shoe I have except for non-patent black.

    • Ning

      I have taupe grey heels from SJP that I’d wear with Navy. I’m also ridiculously pale. Today, I’m wearing burgundy with more of a royal blue, as a fun thing to try.

    • Duchess

      I’m wearing metallic gold flats with navy pants today and I am SUUUUUPER pale with pink undertones. Yesterday, I wore nude for me flats also with navy pants. I don’t think the contrast is too strong.

  2. AIMS

    I tried to post this yesterday but with no luck – I have a friend who lost her job last year and is still not working; she needs to give up her cobra and get some kind of less expensive insurance. I’m trying to help b/c she’s a bit overwhelmed by the options and so just hasn’t been doing it. She lives in NJ. I know in NY there’s a state sponsored number you call and they help you narrow your options; does anyone know if something similar exists for the garden state?

    • mascot

      so there’s healthcare.gov which it sounds like she’s already tried. I think that the service she is looking for is a healthcare navigator and certain organizations get grant money to provide this type of service. Perhaps contact this agency and see if they can point you in the right direction? https://www.centerffs.org/navigator-exchange-program

      • AIMS

        Thanks! She can’t remember what she tried but she kept getting calls from different companies after for days and found it overwhelming. She’s not great at sorting thru this stuff so I’m trying to help; otherwise I think she’ll just end up paying for cobra till the end of the year.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, if she isn’t working, she should check to see if she is eligible for medicaid.
      https://www.healthinsurance.org/new-jersey-medicaid/

      This was years and years ago, but when I was in law school I signed up. Best decision I ever made as it was terrifying to go through school without health insurance. And as a taxpayer, I have more than repaid the benefit.

      • Anon in NYC

        Yes, when family members have gone through periods of unemployment, they’ve been able to access Medicaid even for short-term periods.

    • Anon

      Glad you’re getting good advice here. With the recent snake stories here, my first skim of this was, has to give up her cobra! Who will take him? Were the rats too expensive? Will she still be able to visit?

    • ETex

      Not in NJ, but when I had to find self insurance, I used a broker. Didn’t cost me anything, she was paid on some sort of commission basis. Maybe this is an option?

    • ...

      If she’s not eligible for Medicaid:

      If she is religious at all (Christian, although i’m sure other religions have their own), she could look at Samaratin Ministries, which is a health share program (kind of like what the Amish use). It meets the individual mandate. Doesn’t cover preventive care, but much less expensive for things like having babies, catastrophic exenpenses, etc.

      Kind of weird, but I worked at a strange nonprofit and almost all of the staff jumped on the Samaratin share and RAVED about it. So much so that it drove our participation rate way down, though, for the traditional group health plan and made it impossible for shop for more competitive benefits. :/

      • Anonymous

        You should note that they do not cover you if they think it resulted from something immoral, so if you break your ankle roller skating, you’re fine, but if you get AIDS or another std, unplanned pregnancy outside of wedlock, get injured somewhere that is uncouth, etc she will be screwed. If she is comfortable with that, it seems legitimate otherwise – there were a ton of articles about them this summer.

  3. Anonymous

    Has anyone successfully volunteered for Hillary Clinton and how did you do it? I signed up on her website more than a month ago but all I’ve gotten so far is emails requesting donations. I’d rather volunteer if possible (because of anonymity and the fact that I have more time than money).

    • Anonymous

      You can also participate in the phone banks through the website from home. Just click on the “act” tab – it will take you to the link. You can make one call or 100 on your own time.

    • Curious

      I had the same problem. 5 emails a day for donations, with different peppy messages and dollar amounts. I am super pro-Clinton, but it’s even hurting my enthusiasm to be begged at that often when I asked to volunteer.

      That said — yes! Online Phone bank! It works :)

  4. BB

    Possibly ignorant question…is it “better” to be seen by a Physician’s Assistant or a Nurse Practitioner? I guess I’m asking in terms of medical training, and obviously I know it’ll differ by person.

    I can either get seen today by a PA or tomorrow by an NP, and not sure which one I should cancel.

    • Opal

      I’ve had this discussion with my NP sister and she feels they’re not all that dissimilar. I believe both can write RX’s and generally have the doctor’s ear. My sister says the philosophies are the biggest difference – NPs go to nursing school and are trained on the whole patient/overall wellness, while the PA might be more medically/factual/quantitative. That’s just one perspective, but I don’t think you can go wrong with either – a well-trained NP versus a well-trained PA is probably going to be a similar experience.

      • NYNY

        If you’re going in for an urgent visit, take the appointment today. I’ve had great care from practitioners with both credentials, and wouldn’t hesitate to see either.

        I will say that the best, most thorough physical I’ve ever had was with an NP. I regularly try to schedule preventive care with her instead of my primary care physician (she’s an extender in the practice).

    • Anonymous

      My worst medical experience ever was with a PA, so I’m going to say NP is better. But it really depends on the individual.

    • anon a mouse

      I currently have a NP as my PCP, and she’s fantastic. It’s the only real experience I’ve had with one but she has been really great about helping me try to solve some medical mysteries.

    • anon

      I’d rather be seen by an NP. In my state, NPs are a small step “higher” and granted more autonomy in certain circumstances, but they are both similar.

    • Em

      I see an NP for all my OB care (except had her OB deliver my baby, obviously) and my dermatologist is a PA. I much prefer seeing an NP or a PA over an actual doctor as they seem to be more engaged and are so much easier to get appointments with on short notice. That said, I would agree with Opal that either one is probably fine.

    • Godzilla

      For something routine, I’d say either. Whatever fits into your schedule. From my personal experience, it was really frustrating dealing with either a PA or NP when I had more complex medical issues. At that point, MD all the way.

    • Anonymous

      I think it depends on what you’re seeing them for. For anything run of the mill, like an ear infection, I don’t think it matters.

    • Amelia Bedelia

      From a training perspective, a PA and NP are very different. The PA only has two years of “medical” training and can only practice “under” a licensed MD/DO. An NP has four solid years of medical training and a better “residency” than a PA. An NP can consult an MD/DO, and definitely “has the doc’s ear” but they work autonomously. So, the NP works under his/her own license. I find that this makes the NP more responsible because they are personally liable! that would make me more careful, yes?

      my husband is a doc and he has pretty strong feelings — pro NP and con PA. So, that may colour my perspective somewhat, but I still know the training is more for an NP.

      • Amelia Bedelia

        Again, my perspective is tainted. but I will also note that our child sees an NP for her care and we wouldn’t let her within spitting distance of a PA. Most of my doc friends feel the same way, though they usually say “but I’m sure there are some PAs for whom I would make an exception.”

    • lost academic

      A PA is vastly less trained than an NP. Now your experience may differ vastly, but I tend to prefer an NP over a PA if I don’t know them. Neither can write Rx on their own but will get the attending MD to sign it so makes little difference.

      • NP Mom

        Not sure if this is state-specific, but my daughter is an NP in NY & she has her own prescribing number & can definitely write prescriptions herself.

  5. Kate Spade help

    Treating myself to a new bag at Kate Spade (I like the aesthetic) but overwhelmed by options.

    I need a cross body bag with a full zip closure that’s big enough to hold 8.5 x 11 files/papers – i don’t mind if the zipper has to be open to fit the files. Prefer vertical orientation for files. I need a cross body strap so I have both hands free to handle daycare pick up.

    Any suggestions?

      • emeralds

        And you can definitely zip it with a medium-sized stack of 8.5×11 files. The only thing I can’t get it to zip over is my laptop.

      • Kate Spade help

        it’s exactly what I was thinking of but out of stock :(

        Do you happen to know if this is a standard KS design that may come back in stock or a one off?

          • Kate Spade help

            Thanks for the link but it does seem like they are only the small size Ellas?

          • Kate Spade help

            The more expensive ones are the small size ($300 ish) and the cheaper ones are the mini but no larges listed.

            Also Kate Spade’s website doesn’t show any available in store so I’m thinking it’s been discontinued. Will have to call CS to confirm.

          • emeralds

            Amazon has a few colors. Just make sure you don’t accidentally get the Small Ella instead.

          • Kate Spade help

            I’m worried they discontinued the large one. The ones on Amazon seem to be the small size. I searched ‘cobble hill ella large’ and the only listing that came up called it ‘one size’ which is suspicious to me.

          • Anonymous

            The amazon link looks like the large – look at the scale model image and the dimensions provided.

            I don’t think KS has discontinued it, but I think it comes and goes on the site with the different seasons – so they don’t always have the large (the small is probably more popular), but it’s not gone for good.

            Have you tried calling KS customer service to ask about the Large’s fate?

          • Kate Spade help

            When I click through to try to buy it though it says it’s ‘one size’ and given that I can’t find the large anywhere else (Nordstroms is out too), I’m suspicious that it’s small size. Will call Kate Spade CS to ask. Thanks.

          • Anonymous

            Kate Spade help: look at the dimensions of the bag and compare to the KS website.

          • Kate Spade help

            The dimensions are only listed on the first page. If you click through to actually buy it (click on ‘buying options’) – it lists the bag as ‘one size’ with no dimensions. Given that I can’t find it anywhere else on the internet, I’m too nervous to buy it and have to fight to get a return if it’s the wrong size because the purchasing page doesn’t clearly list the size or state that it’s ‘large’.

          • Anonymous

            I think it being “one size” is fine. It’s not like there’s a listing for the Ella and it gives you a small and large option. There are different listings for the different sized bags. It’s not like clothes. You are reading too much into the “one size” moniker – I think all handbags are listed as one size.

      • Anonymous

        I have this bag and it is my favourite of all my bags. It is a true workhouse but still looks stylish.

      • E

        I am drooling over this – has anyone seen a similar bag in a lower price point?

      • Kate Spade help

        If I can’t find a Cobble Hill Ella Large I’m wondering of I’m better off with the Cobble Hill Ella Small or the Toddy Satchel?

    • BabyAssociate

      If there’s a Kate Spade outlet near you, go to it. I just got a great bag (blanking on the name, but it is not crossbody) for my laptop at a really deep discount.

  6. bigcitynewmom

    Current/former BigLaw mommies – I have a baby (under 1 year) and am considering a switch from my NYC mid-size firm to a BigLaw firm. The goal is to change practice areas, so that in 2-3 years I’m more competitive for an in-house position. At my mid-law firm, my annual hours requirements are comparable to BigLaw. But, I know that at my current firm, I can leave at a reasonable hour and work from home if needed, and it won’t be held against me. Obviously, I can’t be sure of that in BigLaw. Am I crazy for considering this switch?

    • Anonymous

      I think I would instead focus on building up your network and trying to make the jump in-house from your current position. You didn’t say, how long have you been out of law school?

      Also, hour requirements at BigLaw are typically a floor, not a ceiling. So while your requirements might be comparable, very people in NYC BigLaw are doing the minimum number of hours.

      • Anonymous

        +1. And there’s often an unstated minimum that’s 200 hours/year or so higher. So both your current firm and a BigLaw firm might say you need to bill 2000, but it’s much more likely that BigLaw actually expects more like 2200 to stay on track. I think it would be very naïve to move from MidLaw to BigLaw and not expect to up your hours significantly.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on the firm, practice area, and group. In my office (BigLaw branch office with 70+ attorneys, considered large for my market), ERISA was the group with the lifestyle you need (lots of mommys, lots of people on 80% schedule, PT lawyers advance to partner, etc.). In my old BigLaw Big City firm, you wanted to do appellate litigation (briefwriting is very different than trial / govt investigations practices) or be in a regulatory group. I’d see what the face time / flex working expectation is — it can really vary (esp. if you are junior).

    • ezt

      I don’t think you’re crazy, but it’s hard because it really depends on the culture of the particular firm/group and it’s difficult to know because it’s not really a question you want to ask in an interview. In general it’s probably less likely to fly, not so much because it’s Biglaw but because you haven’t put in your work-around-the-clock junior years there, so you have the hurdle of being a new person and needing to establish yourself, as opposed to being a known quantity who has earned people’s trust. Probably the best approach, if you have a lot of Biglaw friends/ acquaintances, would be to ask around and try to figure out whether any of the firms you’d consider are family-friendly in this way (and since subgroups at big firms tend to have entirely different cultures, you’d need to find out about the practice group you’re interested in). It’s a tough time in life to make a career switch but I don’t think impossible. It does also depend on the nature of the practice area you’re interested in and how often emergency-type work arises in that area.

    • Anon

      What department are you trying to jump into? If it’s lit or corporate in NYC biglaw, your hours will be significant. My firm and many other vault 20 firms make a BIG production in recruiting to say — oh we have NO hours requirement. That’s BS. Sure your bonus isn’t tied to hours, but you’d better believe that if you spend more than one yr under 2000 in a big dept like corp or lit, you will suddenly start getting reviews stating that your work is subpar or you’re uncommitted — even though you were fine last yr when you were at 2300 — and subtly (or not so subtly at my firm) be on track to be pushed out.

      The smaller departments — real estate; tax; etc. — are different. Their hours are consistently less bc at many (not all) firms they tend to be support departments — i.e. they don’t bring in a lot of their own business but every corporate deal will have a tax person; in that case your day to day schedule is better but when a deal comes in that involves your department you are on the beckon call of the corporate dept and must drop everything to be available. So if you’re going down those roads — get good backup care. Whereas for the corp/lit roads, get good day and night nannies.

    • Anonymous

      It really varies depending on firm culture and who you work with. I’ve worked in both mid-law and biglaw, and my hours and flexibility have been a zillion times better in biglaw, plus I get paid more. My experience in mid-law is that they lure in associates with the promise of great work/life balance, but then they churn through juniors to try to keep pace with biglaw without actually affecting the partners’ work/life balance, all while paying the juniors a fraction of what they’d be making if they worked one floor up (often on the same matters). If that’s been your experience too, then by all means make the switch. But if you’ve never worked multiple 250+ hour months in a row, then I would really hesitate to move into biglaw.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I would say I have more flexibility in mid-law (unless I’m on a crazy deal), but I also work slightly more hours on average and more nights and weekends in mid-law (but not quite so late at night or quite so all-day-Saturday-and-Sunday as in biglaw).

    • full of ideas

      I work in BigLaw. I work from home at least one day a week and many people leave around 5 and pick up again at home after dinner. Really depends on the firm. Also, we don’t have a formal work-from-home policy (which I think is a good thing) and we get an annual tech budget to spend on our home office.

  7. Anonymous

    I’m growing my hair out, and its a few inches below my shoulders. I can just put it in a bun. Suggestions for hairstyles other than down or a bun?

    Its hot and humid, mid-80s to mid-90s. Down isn’t very practical.

    Its still too short for a chestnut bun or Gibson roll, which I used to love when I had longer hair. Then I cut it to my chin, which I loved for about a month and then regretted.

    • KateMiddletown

      Half up half down with a barrette (I’m partial to the tortoise ones you can find @ JCrew).

    • KT

      When I was growing out my layers, I would part my hair on the side, and the side with the most hair, I would do a rope braid down the side, then gathered the whole bottom into a side bun. (hard to describe). Something like this, but without the flower. It’s actually really easy to do but looks very intricate. (#22, the rope braid chignon). http://olwomen.com/easy-updo-hairstyles-for-medium-hair/

      Check out Lillith Moon on YouTube. She has great tutorials for hair of all lengths.

    • SuziStockbroker

      You should be able to do a Gibson Tuck at that length unless your hair is really, really thick. My in shoulder length, and I am growing it out. I wear it like that most days since it is too short for a bun.

      • KT

        +1. And if you have trouble, CVS has a gibson tuck tool that makes it easy to do with even short hair.

  8. Anonny

    I’ve been dating someone for about two months and its going great, we have amazing chemistry and he’s really attentive/overall great person. So here comes the but…

    I havent been in a long term relationship before (I’m 25 – hes 28) and I dont know whether I’m ready for a commitment yet. We’re both super busy im getting ready for grad school, he just started a new job, moved here and to be honest I’ve been burned a few times so I feel like taking it slow emotionally. But I would love to call him my boyfriend at some point, I just dont know if I’m ready yet. Also, he hasnt brought it up yet either.

    I guess this is becoming more of a vent than a question…If we were to be in a commitment I would expect things to change (i.e. I would expect him to make more of the plans, see each other more during the week, etc.) and it would be a conversation I’ve never had before and I’m afraid to have (hello abandonment issues!). Any tips on any of that??

    • Godzilla

      Have you tried talking to him about this? Frame it as a “I’m not pressuring you by any means but I’m curious as to where you see this going?” I think two months of exclusive dating is sufficient time to have this kind of discussion. And ffs, ask him “what does commitment mean to you?” And also, what does commitment mean to you? Are you/have you been outlining your expectations to him clearly?

      • January

        Yes to this. I would almost suggest thinking about what you want from a “commitment” yourself, and saying what Godzilla says more as a statement, with a “what do you think?” at the end. Paint a vision and invite him to join you, as my therapist once said.

        And it really is worth thinking about what you want here — do you want to be exclusive, if you’re not already? Do you want the freedom to continue seeing others? Do you just want to know if you can call him your “boyfriend” without him freaking out? It might be hard to up the time you’re spending together or getting him to initiate more plans (because those are really things within his control more than yours), but it would be good for you, I think, to have some idea of what you’re looking for out of any sort of DTR conversation.

        (Also – I think not having been in a long-term relationship at 25 is more normal/common than you may think, so don’t let that hold you back, either. You’re young. You can learn from this without trying to force it into a particular shape).

    • Anonymous

      Well, the whole dating process is an assessment if you are ready for a commitment with this person. You are allowed to decide yes at the beginning and then change your mind. If having this conversation makes him ditch out, then the issues are on him, not you – and it’s information that’s better to know up front.

      My question though – why is driving the change in expectations of an official relationship? Is he not already planning/inviting you to stuff? It also has a whiff of “I like seeing you, now do stuff differently”.

    • Anonymous

      You’re borrowing tomorrow’s problems. You don’t want commitment yet and he hasn’t brought it up, so why are you worried about how you should bring it up? It sounds like things are great just the way they are; maybe just enjoy that for a while.

      Also, I would re-examine your expectation that things change once you slap a label on it. If he’s not initiating hanging out with you now, he’s not going to change just because you start calling him your BF. This is probably just who he is. I also wouldn’t expect more time during the week; weekday dates tend to develop organically, it’s not like, ok now I’m calling you BF so we must spend minimum 3 nights per week together. Putting a label on it doesn’t change how you are together, it should be a reflection of the relationship you’ve already started to develop.

      • anonshmanon

        I get the sense that your own expectations are not really clear here (and that’s normal when it’s your first lt bf!). I would try to not overthink it, when it feels good. OTOH when your gut warns you, pay attention. I used to do this thing where every month or so I ask myself “If we keep going like this for the next year, do I expect to be happy with that or to regret the time spent on this guy/not addressing X thing that bugs me?” The interval of happiness projection become successively longer and at one point you might end up at “can I see myself spending the rest of my life with this person?”

    • Banks

      Are you worried that once you start grad school, if it doesn’t have a label that things will change?

      I am in the same boat sort of. At the three month mark this weekend (and literally looked that up because of your post and wouldn’t have noticed otherwise) but I like things exactly how they are. I am not in the same situation or age as you but I get waves of both “what if he wants more” and “what if he disappears” every now and then and I just have to remind myself that those are ghosts from my past, things are going great the way they are, and no one is bringing those to the surface except for me! I think maybe because the summer is ending and this started sort of at the beginning of summer that THAT could be why I think this label issue should be addressed.

      Great feedback here though from the hive.

      Definitely do NOT put pressure on yourself that you are 25, and you should be settling down. Or that we’ve been dating X amount so we should be serious or not.

      About the planning – even the worst planners I’ve dated, I let them take the lead on planning in the beginning. So only you know your situation but, take that FWIW. I agree with the previous comment that if you need someone to plan and he isn’t now, he’s not likely to plan, you need to evaluate whether that’s a deal breaker for you.

      • Anonny

        Thanks for all the replies! I guess I’m projecting a lot of my bad experiences and overthinking it because at the end of the day i really enjoy his company while still trying to figure out what exactly i want right now/what my ideal relationship would look like. I’ll take some time to figure out that first before I have a conversation with him about “where this is headed”. And as for the planning thing, its more I initiate the plan (hey im free this day, what do you want to do this week?) then he plans the date, unless its some specific event he found for us to go to. So its not a HUGE issue, just a little annoying but i have such a packed schedule i dont feel like beating around the bush lol. So I guess its up to me to decide if all the other great aspects of him/our dynamic are good enough to make the planning thing not a big deal. TBD!!

  9. Dry Shampoo

    Looking for recommendations for dry shampoo for dark hair that doesn’t smell too much like chemicals. I tried Batiste on the Hive’s recommendation and really didn’t like the smell. I have Asian hair. Thanks!

    • KT

      Try MorroccanOil for dark tones–it smells delicious. And I have pitch black hair, if that helps.

      • Sweetknee

        I have this and love it. I don’t really use it like a dry shampoo though. I have a short pixie with long bangs, and use this for some texture and volume. It’s a little pricey ( I buy from my hairdresser’s salon) but it lasts a long time. I use maybe 2 jars per year.

      • Anonymous

        I just got this one in my Birchbox too. I like that a little bit goes a long way. Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but it seems like the spray versions just don’t last that long for me.

        I have light, fine hair, so ymmv.

    • newbinlaw

      I make my own. Cocoa powder + cornstarch. mix together in a jar, take a cheap large makeup brush, dip, tap off excess, swirl in roots, massage, brush out. amazing.

  10. ezt

    Does anyone have the Halogen Trace Stretch Weave suit? And whether you actually have it or not — do you all think it falls into the “classic” suit category or does the subtle print/ weird lapel make it less classic? Trying to figure out whether to wear it to a very conservative business event (instead of plain black suit which fits and looks fine, just less fun).

    • Anonymous

      I really, really like that suit! I love little details (like the subtle print) that make a conservative, classic suit slightly more fashion-forward.

  11. Henri Bendel Anyone?

    I was just on the site and saw some really nice suggestions by a reader last week. I’m curious why it doesn’t get more love on this site? The price (there always a 20% off coupon it seems) seems great for the quality and the styling looks way more sophisticated than the Lo&Sons offerings. Am I missing something?

    • Veronica Mars

      I think it’s more of a regional versus national/international brand at this point. I know it’s just not popular in some areas, but I’ve heard good things too.

    • Anonymous

      I have a dopp kit from them. I have the smaller one, and I wish I had gotten the larger one, but otherwise love it.

  12. South Asian

    I went to the dermatologist yesterday about acne scars and she recommended Fraxel laser as the best for South Asian skin types. Have any women of color gotten acne scars removed/resurfaced by laser? What was your experience like? Any NYC recommendations? I’m terrified of getting even more scarring! Thanks in advance.

    • BabyAssociate

      I’ve been wanting to do this for years. Really interested to see if anyone else has had good experiences!

    • Nancy Raygun

      Not South Asian, but with a similar skin type (golden brown). My South Asian doctor recommended laser therapy for some chin hairs. I had a lot of hyperpigmentation there from ingrown hairs and after 6 treatments, the dark spots cleared up a lot. I’m really happy with the results. I would get the treatment (10 minutes, tops) and go back to work with some sunscreen and steroid cream on my chin and you couldn’t tell I’d had anything done. I had a little tenderness and puffiness at first, but it was very subtle. Fraxel and a couple other laser types are approved for pigmented skin and a good dermatologist will gradually ramp up the laser power to prevent scarring. I think it helped to go to a dermatologist with a more medically-centered practice who has a lot of clients with dark skin.

  13. Blonde Lawyer

    I’d like to work on improving my conversational Spanish by reading more in Spanish. Does anyone read any blogs that are written in Spanish? I think this would be a fun and easy way to start.

    • anon

      Second this request, only I’m interested in French or German blogs (could be fashion, lifestyle, current events, whatever).

    • Anonymous

      For me, I found Hola! and People en Espanol and GQ in Espanol much harder to read that I first imagined. But at least there were pictures to help and most things were short. I get some Spanish children’s books from the library for my elementary-aged children and really enjoy them. I’ve also put the captions on my TV with Univision or Telemundo on (is awesome for the telenovelas and Sabado Gigante).

      Signed,
      4 years of Spanish 20 years ago

    • espresso bean

      Also, set your email and phone settings to Spanish so you’ll encounter it throughout your day!

  15. Gel manicure

    Any recommendations for a DIY gel manicure kit with or without a UV lamp? I just moved somewhere with way fewer salons and much higher prices. Nails have always been my one splurge :(

    • Ning

      I feel you. Just moved to a place where I have yet to find a decent mani/pedi for the exorbitant price being charged… as opposed to the NY/NJ area great service. I’m batting zero here so far.

    • BabyAssociate

      Sally Hansen has a line of gel polish that’s decent. I feel like it’s called Miracle Gel or something. No UV lamp, can remove with normal nail polish.

      • Bonnie

        I like the Sally Hansen line. It does not stay chip-free for me for the advertised two weeks but usually works for a solid week and I’m tough on my nails.

    • RR

      I really like the Deborah Lippman kit. No lamp needed, works with any brand polish. Lasts a week and looks great for me. It’s not a real gel effect–more like a thick, fast-drying top coat–but, it’s close for a home alternative and nice that it doesn’t require a light.

      I did one that required a light–came in a black box, but I don’t remember the brand. I wasn’t thrilled with the color choices, and the light was small and not as effective as the salon ones. I prefer the non-light options for home.

      Steer clear of the Butter kit. I love their polish, but the kit resulted in a super chippy manicure.

    • Anonymous

      I’m really happy with the sephora by opi kit i picked up on super discount. That being said – you can get any LED light from a place like Sallys and it will work with most of the soak off gel brands they have – I like the Sephora by OPI polishes and the China Glaze gels.

    • Wildkitten

      I got a $40 Sesationail kit at CVS and use OPI gel polish. Works great.

    • newbinlaw

      I bought the sensationail kit at Target and love it. follow the directions closely until you get the hang of it. When I do the full gel mani people definitely think I got it done at a salon.
      Nowadays when I don’t want to commit to a gel color for the 2 weeks + annoying removal process, I’ll use regular polish and finish it with the clear gel top coat and the lamp. It looks just as good but is easier to remove! (tip: let the regular polish completely dry first — like overnight or an entire day)

  16. Anon

    Anyone following this whole Lochte story with Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger being pulled off their flight home last night?? Why do I feel like this is Lochte’s doing and he was smart enough to go home asap (apparently changed his travel plans to do so), while he leaves a bunch of 21 yr olds to deal with legal counsel, courts etc.!?

    • Anonymous

      It’s kind of nuts. I’m following via headlines but it definitely is starting to seem like these guys got up to no good and needed some kind of way to explain it, but then it backfired.

    • Anonymous

      How do we know that Lochte didn’t try to convince the other swimmers to leave too?

      • Anon

        Bc then they would have left?? The majority of the team left Tues night, these 3 guys didn’t have any reason to stick around for Wed. flights. If Lochte had tried to convince them to leave and explained that things could get worse, I’d imagine they would have left — at least 1 or 2 would have listened.

        • Anonymous

          No way if I were 21 and in the Olympics would I miss the closing ceremony. If the robbery hadn’t sent me home, I’d stay for the party. It’s always so happy and huggy.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, Lochte definitely had a head’s up about what was going on and get the F out of there ASAP.
      The DailyMail now says that they destroyed a gas station bathroom and the clerk pulled a gun and demanded they pay for the damage! So it seems like maybe they were lying after all. Although in the US I imagine the clerk would also get arrested for assault or something, because you can’t just go threatening with people with guns because they destroyed your property. And the Brazilian police seem to only care about the swimmers’ lies, not the guy with the gun.

    • Anonymous

      What concerns me is Brazil is basically treating these guys like they’re criminals. What an f’ed up situation.

      • KT

        …yeah, I would hope that they would be assumed to be victims and treated accordingly until proven otherwise.

        Holding them in a country against their will? If it turns out they were really robbed, that’s really awful.

        • Anonymous

          I can’t believe they were pulled off a plane they had already boarded. That is some movie-level sh!t!

    • ELaw

      In what way did Lochte “leave” a bunch of adults behind? They were capable of changing their own plans. He wasn’t responsible for them.

      I don’t know what happened. But, I very much doubt that any of the 4 swimmers speaks Portuguese. Take 4 large drunk guys in a country where they don’t speak the language and put them at a gas station in the middle of the night? Massive misunderstanding seems pretty likely to result. I think it’s both possible that the gas station attendant thought they were wrecking his bathroom and that he pulled a gun and demanded that they pay for the damage and that they thought he was robbing them. If neither group understood the others’ language, that’s really easy for me to see happening.

      • Wildkitten

        I don’t think 20 year old boys are adults. Legally sure, but their front cortexes aren’t fully developed.

    • Duchess

      ESPN just sent out an alert that the other swimmers have now said that Lochte lied about it all. So there’s that…

      • Daisy

        And there’s a video of them messing up the gas station bathroom, according to ESPN. Oh boy.

        • ELaw

          OK, I’ve been trying really hard to be on the victim’s side here … but this is indeed looking not great for them. According to the BBC the gas station attendant actually called the police.

          • Duchess

            I’m right there with you. I find Lochte dreamy, so I’m willing to excuse a lot of “bad” behavior, but this is a really bad look for him.

          • ELaw

            Well so for me my first reaction when this started unfolding was that it felt very much like the sort of victim-blaming and but-you-had-a-few-drinks type behavior questioning that so often gets leveled at rape victims. And I had a visceral reaction against that. Nothing really to do with any thoughts on Lochte himself, who I don’t know from Adam and have no reason to either believe or disbelieve.

            But … it appears my visceral reaction may have been in error.

      • Anonymous

        Here’s what I don’t get though. So they got in an altercation, messed up a gas station, were forced to pay some money for the damage. Ok, whatever. Why did they have to make up a robbery? They’re grown men, why would they have to account for their whereabouts or the missing money (which wasn’t that much by all accounts)? Couldn’t they just have kept quiet about the whole thing?

      • Anonymous

        Where does it say the other swimmers ‘fessed up? I can’t find that anywhere. Just the Brazilian police version of events (which I agree is sounding more and more plausible).

        • Duchess

          It was a push notification I got from the ESPN app. It said:

          Breaking: Ryan Lochte fabricated story about being robbed at gunpoint in Rio, U.S. swimmers tell Brazilian police – AP

    • Anonymous

      My husband is obsessed with this Korean movie called Attack the Gas Station, which is not a phrase you hear very often, so we have been laughing all day about people saying the US swimmers attacked a gas station.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I watched the coverage on the prime time nbc feed last night. What struck me was that I’ve rarely (if ever) seen a victim’s statement parsed so much if they weren’t a r8pe victim. I want all victims treated the same, but questioning everyone’s story to that extent isn’t what I had in mind.

      • ELaw

        Yes this exactly!

        Now that the police have said that they have video of some damage being done to the gas station and a recording of a phone call from the attendant … NOW there is reason to question Lochte’s story. Yesterday there absolutely wasn’t and when my SO and I were watching the coverage we were like WTF? Is NBC seriously quibbling with the fact that he described having a gun pointed at him slightly differently??

  17. Anonymous

    Do you have any particular tips for developing gravitas, or just carrying oneself in a way that maximizes the perception of competence

    • Anon

      Talk less. Explain yourself less.

      I feel like many women (not all) talk a LOT and often it comes across as needing to fill the silence, justify why they’re handling x project in a certain manner etc. and it seems un-confident to me. Someone who walks in tall and says we’re doing x, y, and z this way and will have it done on Tuesday — projects WAY more confidence to me bc they don’t seek your approval or offer their justifications.

      • LAJen

        I think it’s less about the speaking less part, and more about the not filling silences part–women also tend to stay silent rather than speak up when they have something to say that is dissent, and that can come across as weakness. Speak your mind, don’t hedge, but also don’t fill silences because you are uncomfortable. Also, posture cannot be underestimated–it can make you seem larger and more dominant than you otherwise appear or feel.

    • LS

      Stop saying “I’m sorry…” if that is part of your responses.

      Stop saying “I think… ” and then the answer. Instead, just say the answer.

      • pugsnbourbon

        There was a little comic that made the rounds on my facebook about saying “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry.” As an inveterate apologizer, it’s helped me so much.

    • Kk

      Stand up straight, slow down your talking, look people in the eye, and hold your ground when something is important to you. I found it helpful to wear neutral colors, and to be a little bit overprepared for every meeting. When I talk fast, my voice gets higher- staying low and slow helps me to sound more competent. Get your shit together- be organized, dont be late, and dont be rummaging through your bag or desk drawers looking for things. Finally, my favorite from an old mentor of mine, “land your plane.” If you have a point to make, just make it and stop talking- don’t keep talking and circling around and around the point.

      • Senior Attorney

        That’s a great way to put it! I always say something similar: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

    • EB0220

      Keep good posture
      Dress in a way that makes you feel confident
      Listen
      Speak when you have something to say
      Know your strengths and project confidence in those areas
      In areas that aren’t your strength/specialty, seek assistance without shame
      Sit at the table
      When you’re intimidated, realize that you probably intimidate the other person too, in your own way

      • CountC

        These are pretty much all the things I would have said. If I catch myself slouching while I am on a conference call, I either sit up straight or stand and walk around a bit. Makes a big difference on how confident I sound on the call.

    • Anonymous

      Sadly, my answer is to talk louder, slower, and with a lower pitch to your voice. When someone speaks down to you, just nod and say “yes, that’s correct.” Don’t apologize for anything without good reason (ex, something was screwed up and you need to apologize to a client, not you are asking a question that you think may be obvious). We live in a sexist world.

  18. Ning

    Guys Guys Guys.. important question. When is Ann Taylor/ Loft coming back online?

  19. Nerve Pain from Blood Draw?

    I feel like I am having ALL of the medical problems lately.

    On Tuesday I went to my lady doctor for my annual visit. They were going to draw blood for the standard STIs. For some reason the nurse or tech (I’m honestly not sure what she is) had a hard time getting a vein. This is not normal for me. I’m usually an easy draw. She poked one arm, then the other and nothing. So she asked one of the other nurse/techs to assist. This second person went back to my left arm and attempted to find a vein. the minute the needle went in I felt a very pain electric shock go down my arm to my wrist. I reacted vocally and they stopped. I explained what I felt. They were suprised by my reaction.

    The arm was fine for the rest of the day other than typical been-poked-with-needles soreness. Last night, however, when I was cooking, I had similar pain and it radiated up and down my arm. Today it’s the same. It’s worse when I turn my arm certain ways.

    Because I’m a turd, I googled the symptoms. Ummm… debilitating, permanent nerve damage was what I found can result. Has anyone experienced this before? I sent a long rambling message to the main person I see (she’s actually an ARNP not a doctor). Should I go to PCP? What do I need to do now in case this ends up being a bigger issue that requires legal assistance? I’m a lawyer but not litigation focused at all. I’m in FL – are there specific complaint timelines? Argh

    • Anon

      This happened to me once when I was donating to the Red Cross. I called them and they said the nerve pain would go away in about a week. It did. I’m glad because I would’ve felt terrible about having to sue the Red Cross.

    • Anonymous

      Yep, you had an inexperienced tech who botched the procedure. It happened to me once although it was an IV insertion not a simple blood draw. The pain was exactly like what you describe, but it only lasted a week or so. I did complain to the hospital where it happened but I didn’t otherwise take any action.

    • MD here

      MD specialist here

      It will be fine. You will not have permanent nerve damage.

      It will go away in a few days most likely. Put an ice pack or a warm pack on it if it bothers you.

      There is nothing a doctor would do for this, and it is not worthy of a complaint.

      It is very very very common for young women to sometimes require a little bit of poking to get blood. We just don’t tend to have as prominent veins. If you are at all a little dry/dehydrated, then they are even harder to find. And since it is so rare for you to have blood draws, you are more likely to be bothered by the process. It is also possible that your anatomy is a little different than the typical person’s arm. This is not always someone’s fault, if you know what I mean. Remember, techs do not have xray vision.

      Please, do not waste the system’s time filing complaints and thinking about lawsuits. That makes me really…. upset, actually.

      Please… try to have some perspective. I know you are probably overwise healthy, but this is absolutely nothing and will disappear in no time.

      You probably don’t realize how many people are suffering who truly deserve reimbursement, and how much people are trying their best to help you in your clinic.

      • Bewitched

        +1,000,000 to this. I was on board with OP’s initial request for information, but not OK to ask immediately about complaint timelines and possible litigation. Chill, your medical providers are trying their best and occasionally, minor (well known and often unavoidable) complications occur. After all, the outside of your arm does not have a map of the specific location of your nerves-there is some variability!

    • Anonymous

      Take an Advil and chill. You don’t have permanent damage, you have a bruise.

  20. Anonymous

    I would appreciate some advice about one of my best friends of 20+ years. We were college roommates, she was in my wedding, and is godmother to my son. We’ve always lived within an hour of each other and would see each other every few months, vacation together, and always see each other on holidays and birthdays.

    Two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and she vanished. She never called after my double mastectomy or the 6 months I was on chemo. I honestly don’t’ hold it against her. It’s hard and sometimes people just don’t know what to say. I totally get that although I am having trouble resuming the friendship. She is completely surface with me now as if I am a work acquaintance.

    When I call her she will say that she “has plans” but never what the plans are and won’t be free for several weeks. She is single, no kids or commitments and a low-level job so I can’t believe she has that many demands on her time. We do eventually meet, always at a location she chooses convenient to her and a drive for me. She also always wants to invite another friend along.

    Any ideas what happened? 3 years ago I would have said she was one of my best friends. Should I give up? Should I ask her what happened, if I did something? She is very nice but there is zero intimacy.I feel so bad. I’ve never actually lost a friend. Thanks.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s going on with your friend. I would attempt to bring it up with her once, but don’t be surprised if (for whatever reason) she is unhelpful and doesn’t share whatever her deal is. It’s worth asking one time to figure out if there’s some other issue at play, but otherwise, cut her loose because she is not being a friend to you anymore.

    • ezt

      You’re being very understanding, honestly. As much as I get that it’s hard for some people to deal with illness etc., she needed to suck it up and be there for you. The fact that she is still distant means that she is either cognizant that she failed you as a friend and feels guilty/ awkward, or she has some other issue that you don’t know about. Given the length of your friendship and your desire to maintain it, I would definitely ask her – just a hey, I miss you, I feel like we’ve grown so far apart, did something happen that I don’t know about? If she’s feeling guilty, it’ll give her a chance to clear the air. If it’s something else, she’ll hopefully tell you. If she stays distant, I’m not sure there’s much you can do at that point.

    • Anonymous

      It’s completely possible for someone who is single with no kids to have demands on their time. Maybe not demands that seem important to you, but demands nonetheless. I hate this attitude from married people.

      • KT

        I don’t think the OP meant it quite like it sounds, but it did rub me the wrong way too. It’s possible to have a lot of plans if you’re single/childless/not a BigLaw attorney.

        But that said, I feel like this situation is more complicated than the friend being busy.

        • Anonymous

          Yep. Maybe she is going through a hard time of her own. OP, you could try reaching out and communicating with her before automatically assuming she hates you or you’ve done something wrong.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, that comment irked me a little too, although it definitely sounds like OP’s friend is being selfish and unreasonable, even setting aside the cancer stuff. Why do they always have to meet near the friend? If they live an hour apart they should meet in the middle or alternate locations.

      • Anon

        Yeah, single people also have demands on their time, but let’s not pretend that they’re as fixed and non-negotiable as having a child in particular. I’m having trouble thinking of something in a single person’s life that would excuse not being there at all for a friend going through chemo besides possible major family obligations (caring for an elderly parent or something), but it didn’t sound like that was the case for this friend. Caring for a small child, on the other hand, pretty much guarantees a huge timesuck even if the child is totally healthy.

        • Anonymous

          OP has no idea what’s happening in her friend’s life – maybe she is ill, maybe she’s depressed, maybe she has a family obligation, etc etc. I just don’t think it’s fair of the OP to assume.

        • anon a mouse

          Right, but OP is saying that she doesn’t know of any specific demands on the friend’s time. Of course single people have lives. But she’s saying (I think) that the friend doesn’t have any obvious, specific reasons to not make plans.

          I think it’s pretty clear that the friend does have other interests, and has expressed a preference through her actions to minimize time and contact with OP. The fact that OP doesn’t know what her friend is spending her time on is another sign that the friendship is dying.

          I’m sorry, OP. You deserve better from your friend, even if it’s just an explanation as to why her version of the friendship has changed.

        • nutella

          Happily partnered off here, but this drove me crazy when I was single and still drives me crazy when friends expect an reason — acceptable to them — of why you cannot do something.

          Adults get to choose how they spend their time and money. Period. End. Stop.

          • ELaw

            +1

            Partnered off, and childless by choice. It doesn’t matter if the demands on my time are “fixed” in Anon @ 11:03’s oh-so-expert opinion.

          • Anonymama

            Yes, but the point was that some adults have less of a choice about how they spend their time and money, because of unavoidable obligations. I think OP was just awkwardly saying that she doesn’t know of any unavoidable obligations that could be preventing friend from spending time with her, so friend is therefore deliberately choosing not to spend time with her, and thus evidently not that into the friendship. Your comment reinforces OPs impression that friend is not really much of a friend anymore, and is making choices that reflect that.

          • Anonymous

            Hi OP here. Thank you for all the great advice! Sincere apologies to anyone childless /single who I offended. Did not mean to imply their lives are less full in any way.

        • Anon

          No one is saying single people don’t have lives. They just are likely to have fewer immediate family obligations in their day to day lives (again, that is less likely, not “all single people have no family obligations”). Defensive crowd.

    • Anonymous

      That’s awful, although I agree with you that she may have bailed during the cancer because she was scared or didn’t know what to say (NOT excusing it, just saying I think that is a likely explanation). I would talk to her. I don’t believe good (best!) friends just drop people out of the blue so I think there’s probably something else going on and it’s worth at least once talking to her and trying to suss out what that is. Based on her behavior, it sounds to me like she’s mad at you, although if that’s the case she’s obviously handling it in a very immature way.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m so sorry! I’ve lost a good friend, too, and it’s awful.

      I’d suggest trying to have the conversation once: “Hey, we were super close friends and now we are quite plainly not. If I have done something to offend you I would like to make it right. If it’s something else I’d like to try to work it out. Our friendship is important to me and I just don’t want to let it go without a fight.” Then see what she says. If she insists nothing is wrong then I think I’d probably give up.

      • nutella

        I agree, as always, with Senior Attorney. I think if it bothers you, you can bring it up once. I think it’s also possible that some people don’t know how to deal with tragedy and she may feel totally clueless how to talk to you. Not only have you pointed out a lot of lifestyle differences (she is single, you are not, you have kids, she does not, etc.) but you have also survived something terrible like cancer (high fives! Congratulations!) She may feel like she doesn’t have anything in common with you and simply has no idea what to say or if she should bring it up. It sucks and I’m sorry.

        Dan Savage had a caller a couple of weeks ago who lost her mother and felt like her friends ditched her. Dan gave some great advice as did subsequent callers that it’s a very hard pain to understand for some and some people have no idea how to handle it/talk about it at all, so they ignore it which means they end up ignoring the friendship. I’m not saying this is a great reason, but it could be why it feels so superficial right now. I’m sorry.

        I think you can cultivate the friendships and relationships that do know how to deal with this big life event you’ve gone through and if you find yourself wanting something more superficial (because sometimes you want a friend that you can talk about anything with but sometimes you also want a friend that you are not as deep with for levity), you don’t have to cut her off and see if she comes around and you guys can build a new relationship and see how that progresses. I’m not sure it will ever be the same old friendship it ever was because things have changed in big ways. Hugs and good luck.

        • Anonymous

          To add onto your second paragraph – when you’re the friend who stepped away from a friend in crisis, I imagine there’s a lot of guilt and you feel super awkward about resuming the friendship. You know you weren’t as awesome a person as you like to think you are, and your friend who’s no longer in crisis is a reminder of that fact. It can be a hard thing to accept about yourself and a hard thing to put behind you.

          I think something along the lines of what Senior Attorney recommended is the best way to address this. “I feel like we’ve grown apart and I miss our friendship. Is there any way we can right this ship?” Make it clear that you want your friendship back with no judgment and no accusations.

    • cbackson

      No advice – I had a VERY close friend who was living abroad when my ex-husband left me. I emailed her and she never responded. You’re a better person that I am because although I’m not angry anymore, I just felt like that broke our friendship completely and when she tried out reach out later I just didn’t want to connect.

      • Anonymous

        Oof, you cut off a good friend for not responding to one email? It’s really not unheard of for an email to get lost. A friend of mine the other day said “Hey, why didn’t you respond to my email about XYZ?” I have no memory of getting it and when I went to look for it, I literally couldn’t find it anywhere, not even in my trash or spam folders. And she swears she didn’t get a bounceback or anything. The only explanation I can think of is I accidentally deleted it from my phone (like a pocket dial but with email). It happens.

        • cbackson

          I know it may sound harsh, but when you are in that kind of my-world-just-exploded, planning-to-commit-suicide headspace, you don’t spend a lot of time sending repeat emails to a good friend (who typically emailed you multiple times a week) to see why they never responded to you in your crisis – you turn to the people who *are* responding. If she’d kept emailing me like she usually did, it would have been quickly apparent that she didn’t receive it. But she stopped. So it was apparent that she’d gotten it and wasn’t responding.

          (Years later she replied to my original email telling me how bad she felt, and how she was just so overwhelmed by the news that she didn’t know what to say. I believe that she felt badly, but I just didn’t feel the same way about her as a friend anymore. Moral of the story: when someone shares bad news, don’t let not knowing what to say stop you from being there. “I’m so sorry. What can I do?” goes miles.)

        • Reasonable

          I would have had the same reaction as cbackson. Having a spouse leave you suddenly is pretty enormous news for someone to just completely ignore. I know people don’t always know how to respond, but how hard is it to email back and just say, “This is awful; I’m so sorry.” Or just SOMETHING. I would be incredibly hurt if a good friend just straight up ignored an email like that.

    • lost academic

      I’ve read all the responses here but I want to add – what you see from your side is that your relationship with this friend drastically changed and you attribute that, based on when it occurred, to your breast cancer bout and surgery, and that’s certainly possible, but that’s only what you can see. There’s plenty of room for something else to have happened around the same time that caused this. I managed to offend someone deeply totally unintentionally years ago and he never brought it up with me but also basically ignored me for maybe 6 months – when I questioned him directly I figured it out and didn’t realize the effect my actions had had. All of this is by way of saying, there are more than a few reasons that this shift could have occurred and you can either choose to continue as it is now, confront your friend, or just let it go. But you have to make those choices, and you get to choose how much effort you want to put in, and with how much information you make that decision – because I don’t think you have all of it right now.

  21. Anonymous

    Please pray to the employment gods and goddesses for me. Yesterday I was stressing that this job I interviewed for (that I want and really, really need) hadn’t contacted my references yet, but I just found out they were contacted today. So that’s progress. It’s been torture waiting for some news. Everything has been moving so slowly!

    • BabyAssociate

      Will send good vibes to the employment goddesses. When I was looking for a job and was getting frustrated about how long everything takes, someone said something to me that I found helpful: “finding a job is the most important thing to you right now, but it’s likely not at the top of the to-do list for people interviewing you.”

        • BabyAssociate

          I know, it was inconceivable to me too, but the people who told me that did finally give me a job….5 months later.

        • CountC

          I am guessing she means that making money and getting business done is their top priority. Hiring is not usually at the top of anyone’s to do list (outside of maybe a recruiter, but even then they are working more than one hire), especially if there is any part of the business that is struggling or if they are at the end of a fiscal measuring period or whatever. Hiring is usually slow going.

    • Anon

      Crossing fingers for you! I’m in the ‘waiting period’ following a few job interviews now, so I know how awful it is. Hang in there and keep us posted!

  22. L0 & Sons Q

    I *need* a Seville and they are on sale. Black perforated leather (I want to think this will be a bit lighter and more interesting)? Or Black Saffiano leather? Help me decide (esp. from anyone who has one)!

    • anon

      I have the black saffiano leather seville and I LOVE it. totally recommend the saffiano over the perforated because the saffiano can be dressed up or down.

  23. Grad school

    I’m getting nervous about starting my full-time master’s program next week after working for four years and becoming accustomed to a typical work schedule. Does anyone have any tips for making the transition easier and for getting used to studying again? I expect the program to be pretty demanding, but I’m so out of the habit with school.

    • Anonymous

      I went back for a master’s degree and a law degree after working for five years and found it much easier to stay on task than I did as an undergrad. You can treat it just like a job–stay at school all day and study in the library before/between/after class. Law s

    • Cb

      I treat it like a job – I’m in the last stage of my PhD so teaching rather than doing coursework but I get in at 8, leave at 5, and try to keep my weekends free. When I work at weekends, I go in early. My rigid schedule doesn’t work for everyone but I think it’s helpful for my mental and physical wellbeing.

    • purplesneakers

      Just graduated from a grueling master’s programme. Some tips:

      a) Do you have a planner? Get one now and get used to using it. Either digital or paper, doesn’t matter, just get one. My Filofax was my brain during grad school, I wouldn’t have gotten a thing done without it.

      b) Routine is super important. Echoing the advice to treat it like a job with defined boundaries. Try to get up and go to bed at the same time everyday, eat reasonably healthy (Sunday meal prep is your friend!) and get regular exercise.

      c) Have an activity that’s not connected to grad school. For me it was writing and taking classes outside my department just for fun and to meet new people, for one friend it was dance, another it was music. You need to have some way to destress or you’ll go nuts.

      d) You’re going to have bad days. It’s okay. Ever try, ever failed, and all that. Most important: YOU ARE NOT YOUR GRADES. Seriously. Do not define your self-worth by your academic performance, that way lies breakdowns and crying in public.

      e) Try and enjoy grad school as much as you can. It’ll be over before you know it.

      Good luck!

  24. RANT

    I hate the Post Office. First they screwed up my mail forwarding for months. Now they’ve misdelivered two packages that were supposed be here on Monday. The carrier has been saying since then that he would get them back from the other address no problem, now he’s saying that the people at that address won’t answer the door. Ama zon has been awesome and is sending replacements, but one of the items was closeout so they don’t have anymore. WHY DOES THE POST OFFICE SUCK AT DELIVERING MAIL.

    • KT

      I hate the post office with a vicious and fiery passion.

      I sent a package worth several hundred dollars. I insured it, and asked for delivery confirmation with signature.

      I got a notification it was delivered, but the intended recipient didn’t get it; it was delivered somewhere else with a stranger’s signature.

      When I filed an insurance claim, they said I couldn’t get reimbursed, because it showed up as “delivered”. WTF is the point of delivery/signature/insurance?

    • Senior Attorney

      I tell you what, the experience I’ve had recently with my 175 wedding invitations and RSVP cards has totally, totally destroyed my faith in the USPS. To give just one example: Uh, USPS? You’re supposed to deliver the envelope to the address on the front of the envelope, not the (return) address on the back flap…

      • Em

        This happened to a friend of mine! They had postcard invitations and delivered all of them to the venue instead of the individuals to which the invitations were addressed. So they tried to re-send them and circled the guests addresses….same thing again! They finally gave up and called everyone.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Every time I move the new post office is even worse than the previous one. I hate them with a fiery passion.

      I hope that Amazon just takes over the post office completely. Let’s privatize this thing Congress! My inlaws said that they get their Amazon deliveries from an Amazon-branded truck. And my Fresh orders were delivered by postal carriers during designated windows. So they’re getting intertwined. Maybe there’s hope!

    • soaps

      I was tracking a package I was supposed to receive. It was marked delivered, when it definitely was not. The woman in our leasing office told me sometimes the post man does this when he’s running late or behind schedule and he’ll just deliver it the next day…..WHAT??

      • Wildkitten

        Yup. This is a thing. You’ll get it tomorrow. Happens with the private shipping companies as well, not just USPS.

  25. Block heels

    How does everyone feel about these being back in style? I’m on the hunt for a cobblestone-friendly heel (2-3″) and am wondering if I could give these a shot, but am afraid they’ll look frumpy. Although I think the only other alternative is a wedge heel…any recs?

    • Anonymous

      I love block heels! I like 2″. Some 3″ ones can have the proportions off. I find that they are almost bullet proof (unlike my skinny heels, which seem to be disposable — they look so worn so fast) for any city walking where there are grates and other weird things that don’t work well with ladies shoes otherwise.

    • Anonymous

      I love block heels! As long as the rest of the shoe looks modern, I don’t think they look frumpy at all.

    • Anon

      So i bought a pair of block heeled sandals. I am strictly a stilettos girl (and a couple of wedge sandals) It’s…interesting. I feel super retro in them and but they look good. They’re also pretty comfy considering the height.

      Not sure I could do block heels at work though.

    • nutella

      Hey – can y’all link to your fav block heels if they are still on the market? I’d love to see some recommended favorites!

  26. RTR

    FYI lady friends… RtR is having super clearance. Might be worth a look if you have events coming up or know you will this winter.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a stretchy/more comfortable blazer and looks more tailored and sharper than a cardigan.

  28. Midwest Mama

    I feel like my wardrobe needs some refreshing. I’m a mom to a preschooler and work from home part-time and in a very casual (jeans every day) office the other part of the time. What should I be buying for fall? Preferably looking for recs at the lower end of the price spectrum like Old Navy, Target, etc.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Old Navy has a category on its website called “Refinery 29” – basically, it’s a round-up of Refinery 29’s picks from the Old Navy collection for the upcoming season, and it’s usually pretty on-trend.

    • Ning

      Target tshirts- The quality is very good, and they’re my go-to under my JCrew blazers.

      • JuniorMinion

        I love the Pixie khakis at old navy and some of the Harper pants there as well they are great as they can be either dressed up or dressed down depending on how biz casual / casual your office is. I have also had good luck with the Merona brand at target for both sweaters and tshirts / long sleeve tees (although be careful a bit here! there are a ton of different cuts / colors in different fabrics and I have found that some fabrics don’t fit consistently.

        I also like Thredup a lot – if you’ve never tried it its basically online thrift. You said lower price – I’ve been complimented 3x today on the shirt I am wearing that I bought at Thredup for $5.99….

  29. Long Tall Sally?

    Hey, fellow Talls: any luck with the suiting from Long Tall Sally? It’s reasonably priced, but that could mean it’s garbage.

    • Anonymous

      Nope. I did have some good success with BR tall in the spring, though, if you haven’t tried them yet.

        • Anonymous

          I like J Crew, but it irks me that they don’t seem to adjust the proportions of their garments, only the length. The arms and shoulders never fit right because my frame is broader than someone who is the same waist measurement as me but a foot shorter.

          • Anonymous

            Like everything else, this may be a personal thing. I have long limbs but am not particularly broad.

            I usually have to size down in Jcrew suit jackets. In suit jackets I am a 6T or an 8R (with letting the arms out.) Same in Gap and old navy tops.

            Boden talls are more true to size (so an 8 T is the same width as an 8R). They have some new ponte suiting which looks intriguing. I love their ponte work dresses in tall.

            Have not tried Banana talls.

        • lost academic

          So does The Limited which is fine if you have NO biceps. I can’t put my arms into any of their jackets.

    • lost academic

      They used to be amazing. All that has changed a lot. I can’t replace the clothes I had from there and it’s really sad. Pants seem to suffer the most here. You can see it in the reviews. The sizing is nicely consistent though. If you want to try it out, just make sure you’re checking reviews and looking to see that the positive ones are within the last year at most.

      I’m very pleased with the blazers though and they are my everyday ones. Too bad I needed pants a lot more. I’ve also got some nice tops/shells. I had some great jeans from them, but I found I really prefer much heavier denim that doesn’t feel as much like cotton as theirs do (just me) so I get Wrangler instead.

    • MJ

      Haha! I happen to be in the UK and spent two hours yesterday trying stuff on. Some of their stuff is insanely cheaply made, not all of it. I walked away with three suits, all of which are going to need alterations.

      However, the big hit of my day yesterday was Next. They carry Talls and ship to the US and I found their “Tailoring” range to be quite cute. They didn’t have my size in everything in-store, but I am going to hit up a bigger, suburban Next this weekend. I am not sure if they charge Customs. They had some super-cute suits though. Really chuffed at their selection and happy to find another Tall suiting range on my radar screen.

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