Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Sweater Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
How can I sing the praises of the sweater blazer in a way that I haven’t done already? They have the coziness of a sweater but the structure of a blazer and are a great way to level up an outfit for a casual office without looking out of place. I like this navy/ivory dot print for a more casual look, but it also comes in a really pretty red.
The sweater blazer is $109 and available in sizes XS–XXL. Sweater Blazer
For plus sizes, this is a nice option from Lauren Ralph Lauren — and it's 55% off at Zappos, which brings it down to $78. (If gold buttons aren't your thing, it's easy to have a tailor switch them out or do it yourself.)
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Sales of note for 1/31/25:
- Ann Taylor – Suiting Event – 30% off suiting + 30% off tops
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20 off your $100+ purchase
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter layers
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off sweaters and pants
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – End of season clearance, extra 70% off markdown tops + extra 60% off all other markdowns
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
I need some advice. I booked a European tour for May directly through the company (American owned). Of course it’s been cancelled. They have invoked a major force clause thereby inactivating our trip insurance. They rebooked the trip for September. None of us feel comfortable traveling internationally that soon. The other option is to decline the rebooked trip forfeiting half the cost of the trip and getting trip credit for the other half that must be used by the end of the year. Again none of us feel safe traveling that soon. It’s not an inexpensive trip and I was wondering if any of you knew of some recourse I could take. I understand their business is suffering and they are trying to minimize their loss but it’s hard for me to watch $5K evaporate without putting up a fight.
Did you buy it on a credit card? They may be able to help you.
IDK but I predict that the insurance coverage people in our firm will be busy for years to come on this (e.g., the WTC litigation about what is an “occurrence”). You’ve read the contacts carefully? I have found that some “insurance” is a bit of fluffy nothingness — IDK whether that is the case here.
Did you pay by credit card?
Yes, Amex
I’d check with Amex – they tend to have their own trip protection, which is very good. It’s the major reason why I keep a card open them – travel.
I’d tell the travel operator once more that you want a refund, not to reschedule. If they refuse, dispute it with Amex. There’s a fair amount of nuance, but you’re not necessarily required to accept whatever rescheduling of a cancelled trip a tour operator offers you. It’s complicated and the card networks themselves are still working through it, but you don’t need to be the one who figures it out – submit the dispute and Amex will work through it. You may not win, but it’s worth a shot.
Check with your credit card travel insurance
I’m in a not dissimilar situation (supposed to leave for Portugal in 10 days). I spent some time going back and forth on email without success. I’ve just tried to get comfortable with the fact that I’m probably not going to recover my money and move on. Good luck.
I’m sure you have done this already but the other thing to check is that the force majeure clause is ACTUALLY triggered – UK lawyer here so cant comment on how the US market is treating this (plus will obvs depend on the state), but on a number of the major development projects I am working on there have been plenty of claims of FM that don’t meet the contractual definition. Easy to assume COVID = FM, but actually not always the case (or can be argued not to be haha).
This is an interesting comment. It doesn’t seem legit to me that this pandemic would count as an “act of God” – it’s largely a product of stupid leadership and failure to act. It’s not a meteor strike or a major earthquake. Any US lawyers available to comment on this?
and fraud by China
Very generally speaking for FM clauses, an “act of God” includes natural catastrophes which no one can prevent such as an earthquake, a tidal wave, a volcanic eruption, a hurricane or a tornado. That said, unless the act of God itself is what is prohibiting you from performing, it doesn’t excuse performance/delay. For this scenario, you’d have to look at the effects of the COVID pandemic – things like governments shutting down businesses – and then the terms of the contract to determine whether there is a FM event that excuses delay/performance of a party.
It is extremely disputed, dependent on the actual contract language and likely the subject of litigation for years.
THIS
I practice credit card law – the OP really doesn’t have to sort out contractually whether this is force majeure or not (although this is a super-interesting issue and one I’m dealing with a lot right now). The fight is between Amex and the merchant, and will turn on whether Amex agrees that this is force majeure and whether Amex as a network is allowing merchants to win chargebacks on that basis. It’s an incredibly complex problem for all credit card networks right now.
If they’re the one cancelling the trip (I know it sounds like moot at this point who cancels because no trips can happen either way but I tend to wait for airlines/hotels to do the canceling just because I know they’ll have to by now) then they can’t just rebook the trip for another time willy nilly like that. Your schedule matters. People have a very short window during the year in which they can take off. Our family does not go anywhere except in May. No other months can accommodate the family’s various schedules. If they cannot honor their contract, then you’re due a refund.
The company obviously can’t say “you’re going on the trip on September 3-10, if that doesn’t work tough luck.” But they can say that you have to reschedule for some date in the next year, and if you can’t reschedule in that window then you’re out the money. That’s what all the airlines and major hotel chains are doing.
Airlines actually can’t do that. If they cancel your trip you are entitled under US and EU law to a refund and they can’t force you to take a voucher for future travel instead. For a hotel, you can likely dispute the transaction with your credit card company – whether you’d win depends on a variety of factors, but generally the odds are in your favor. (I practice in this area.)
+1, I have successfully gotten actual cash back to my credit card for three different trips. The “voucher” approach is good if the airline is still flying your itinerary as scheduled (i.e., not adding a bunch of stops, moving the time significantly, or obviously cancelling altogether) but you opt to cancel.
A related question – I have a VRBO booked in early June that I canceled (and received a full refund for) but I had spent about $100 on travel insurance which is totally meaningless now. My state has a SIP order that would have impacted my travel. Any thoughts on whether I can get back the money I spent on travel insurance? It had a 10-day cancellation period so I’m guessing no, but this stings.
That seems a bit grabby, TBH.
+1
I agree with the suggestion to go through your credit card company, but honestly I would be surprised if travel were normalized enough by September that going were even an option.
Does anyone have a Four Sigmatic website referral code? I’m interested in trying out some of their stuff! How does their coffee and mushroom mixes compare to “normal” coffee?
I tried one of the mushroom and coffee mixes and found it to basically taste like instant coffee (and not the good kind). Wasn’t a fan.
I am not liking how shorter jackets look with higher-rise jeans (or pants). I think that this jacket would look better with bottoms with a slightly lower rise.
I find that shorter jackets look better (on me, anyway) with dresses and skirts than pants of any type. But especially with a higher rise pant, I agree that a longer jacket seems to work better.
I am definitely Team Shorter Jackets but not with the mom jeans currently on offer (and the mom jeans seem to be aimed at people with no stomachs, which is not likely to sell a lot of mom jeans).
For anyone who thinks the jacket is worth a try, it is reduced to $49, not the $109 listed. The reduction changes the landscape a bit.
I do not like shorter jackets, especially with skinny jeans b/c it tends to showcase my tuchus, which is not where I want men looking. I tend to favor broader backed jackets that are not to long, b/c you do not want to sit down and get the jacket all twisted out of shape, tho I do have a jacket with a single vent that kind of hides my tuchus with a little give in the back. It’s much better then the double vented models where my tuchus literally comes out of the flap! When I came into the living room last year, Dad looked at my tuchus and called it “the hamper” b/c the vent looks like the top to his dirty clothes hamper. Thanks, Dad.
What’s everyone reading lately? I read Jing Jing Lee’s How We Disappeared and it was a tough but beautiful read. Reminded me a bit of Pachinko in the inter-generational family saga. I’m going for a lighter palatte cleanser, reading Simon Mawer’s Prague Spring. Feels like a good old fashioned spy novel.
Next up, I’m going to work my way through the Women’s Prize short list. I read Domincana, Girl, Woman Other, and Weather and enjoyed all three.
I just finished Pachinko last night and I LOVED it. Highly recommend although it has a slow start. I have been really into WW2 books to try and put this crisis in perspective. I recommend The Things We Cannot Say by Kelly Rimmer.
I am reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which I am not loving as much as I expected. I’m about halfway through and it seems repetitive. I just finished Anna K, which was silly but enjoyable. I am about to start Girl Woman Other for my book club, so hopefully that’s a win.
I recently read Little Gods by Meng Jin and Divide me by Zero by Lara Vapnyar and loved them both.
Finishing the The Giver of Stars on audiobook. Have really enjoyed :)
I loved The Giver of Stars as an audiobook.
I have almost finished reading Mrs. Bridge. It is an older book and I am really enjoying it.
This NYT story – https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/04/15/arts/dutch-war-diaries.html? got me thinking about the Dutch resistance and so I just started Things We Couldn’t Say by Diet Eman. Glad I’m reading it so far
I just reread Cuckoo In The Nest by Michelle Magorian which was a favourite of mine as a teenager and really enjoyed it. And finally finished the audiobook of Mansfield Park!
I enjoyed The Indigo Girl recently (historical fiction set in colonial South Carolina), am still re-reading Harry Potter for probably the 15th time, am reading The City and the City for book club, and am next on the hold list at the library for Unorthodox, which I’ve been really looking forward to reading.
Also re-reading HP. Thinking of listening to the Bingemode podcast as I re-read for their chapter discussions in time with my reading. Haven’t tried it yet, but have heard good things.
Just finished Glennon Doyle’s latest, Untamed. It was very good. So much resonated with me.
Just finished Such a Fun Age (loved) and The Dutch House (less so). Also The Good Daughter, which was recommended here (liked it a lot).
I read those two and loved them both! Will have to check out The Good Daughter.
Just finished Here for It by R. Eric Thomas (elle columnist who writes very funny and often viral columns about current events, politics and pop culture). Very funny and interesting perspective as a g@y POC growing up in Baltimore and coming out in college.
Also finished Such A Fun Age and liked it a lot – reminded me of Little Fires Everywhere (book not show), in that it had well written characters coming from different perspectives.
The Huntress (historical fiction about nazi hunters, WWII Russian women pilots, and 1950s Boston) – also great.
Just started Er o tic Fiction for Punjabi Widows and it is also very engaging and presents an interesting perspective.
A Woman Is No Man was very beautifully written, but I found it really dark and depressing (but I was also reading it during the first week of the pandemic, so my mindset really affected it)
If you like essays and pop culture, Emily Nussbaum’s “I Like to Watch” has been excellent.
In non-fiction, Robert Caro’s “Working” was as enjoyable as his LBJ books. Also finishing Jenny Lawson’s “Furiously Happy”; good perspective for these times.
I love these threads, so many good choices!
Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, Dark Matter, Recursion, The Punch Escrow, Molly’s Game…now working on Thr Hobbit
*The Hobbit, sorry
Awesome! Working on the LOTR myself. Amazing how much other literature is based on these. HP draws heavily from it…
Yes! We just started a Hobbit/LOTR movie marathon (1 movie/night) and it inspired me to read The Hobbit since I never have before. I also enjoy HP and usually pick it back up to read once every couple years. Another book I recently read is Uneducated, which was very interesting.
I’m of the opinion LOTR is one of those rare movie adaptations that is SO MUCH BETTER than the books. I am a huge fantasy fan, but Tolkien needed a better editor. Parts of the books are very much a slog to get through.
I am with you, Gail.
I also just finished Such A Fun Age and really enjoyed it. Also recommend Long Bright River – an extremely compelling fictional perspective on the opioid crisis from the point of view of a Philadelphia police officer whose addict sister goes missing.
Also enjoyed Long Bright River.
The main pick is on sale for $49.
This is perfect for me when I’m working at work (and maybe even now?) and I had a $20 note so it’s on its way to me. I am such a sucker for polka dots.
There’s a similar one in cheetah print – I know a lot of folks on this board like leopard/cheetah: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/1901-sweater-blazer-regular-petite/5626980/full?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2F1901%2FWomen&color=tan-black%20cheetah%20prt
How is this brand generally? I’ve never bought anything from them before, but a few items are on deep discount and look nice.
Love it but don’t think I could stand all of the Tiger King references. First thing I thought of was “Hey all you cool cats and kittens.”
This seems like a question that comes up frequently, so if there is a recent thread someone can point me too that would be great.
Any book recommendations for an early-teen girl? She voraciously reads at an adult level but doesn’t necessarily need adult themes. And given the external circumstances, fluffy, fun/escapist reads might be nice right now. Thanks!
I really enjoyed Vonnegut at that age — made me feel really grown up but isn’t actually hard to read. On a fluffier note — what about the Royal We? Fun but good book.
I’ve never read that book but I find go fug yourself dot com such a complete palate-cleanser (e.g., it got me through my first miscarriage and was the only thing that would make me smile for about 3 months). Does it read like the website?
Nonfiction and biographies can be good. It is ancient, but Poor Little Rich Girl made me feel that I was lucky not to be rich and preyed upon by men seeking to marry for an allowance from me. And while Henry VIII-era things can be tawdry, they tend to bring up a lot of things of lasting historical significance. And at that age, there was nothing Grand Duchess Anastasia that I didn’t read.
What about the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books? They’re funny and absurd.
My niece loves the Samantha Shannon books, and A Winter’s Promise. I might look at the Waterstones’ UK blog for their recommended YA list, they’ve always got good recs for kids and teens. Or an email to an indie bookshop. Ours have been great with recs via email or instagram.
Classic stuff like Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Sense and sensibility etc
Malala’s biography
Yes, discussed at length in the Friday weekend post last week, with the coral maxi dress
Hoping these links show up, but yes, this was just discussed over the weekend: https://corporette.com/weekend-open-thread-480/#comments
Also on Ask A Manager’s weekend free for all post: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/04/weekend-free-for-all-april-18-19-2020.html#comment-2944599
And finally, seconding the rec for the Cinder series mentioned down below.
I would go for historical fiction. I think there’s a tendency to think that we only need brain candy right now, but reading something interesting with depth actually feels a lot better to me. The Anastasia book someone recommended below was popular when I was a teen.
In this vein, she might like Code Name Verity.
Eva Ibbotson romances and Michelle Magorian’s Cuckoo In The Nest and Back Home! Lovely books. Also the Cat Royal series by Julia Golding.
Daddy long legs was very cute and sweet. I recommend it all the time, but I really like the Girl who Circumnavigated Fairyland series. Tiffany Aching series by Terry Pratchett, Tree grows in Brooklyn, and a lot of the ‘classics’ will be challenging but still light – Little Women/Little Men/Rose in Bloom/5 Cousins/Tom Sawyer/etc. Austen might be good but I can see how the language might be a bit much.
Chronicles of Narnia if you’re ok with the Catholic themes? The Betsy Tacy books are sweet and escapist but do ‘age up’.
Betsy Tacy is cute for an 8 year old not a teen
The early Betsy-Tacy books are definitely for a younger audience. But Heavens to Betsy and the ones the come after are suitable for high school. Along with Emily of Deep Valley and Carney’s House Party. They are fun, if old-fashioned, reads.
Yeah, I read and loved these at 38. They’re a lot of fun.
Not sure if they’re still relevant, but at that age I liked serial books, Nancy Drew, Trixie Belden, Sweet Valley High, etc.
The Cinder series is good, uses fairy tale heroines in a new setting. e lockhart books are great. The Golden Compass series. Anything Lois Lowry.
Also check the “A Mighty Girl” website – you can filter by age and see lots of recommendations for books that feature smart, competent girls.
I just read this awesome YA mystery series by Maureen Johnson called Truly Devious. It was so fun and fast paced. I read her stuff a lot in middle and high school, saw it at the library last month and decided to pick it up. Highly recommend that series and all her other books.
The last book in the series is trapped at the library, on hold for me, and i’m trying so hard not to just buy the Kindle version!
There was just a thread on this last week. My recommendations then as now The Count of Monte Christo and I Capture the Castle, which I loved as a kid and continue to love as an adult and which are perfectly escapist without being too fluffy.
The Garth Nix Abhorsen trilogy came up and I would recommend that as well.
Oof, Count of Monte Cristo is a doorstop though. I tried at age 15 and could not make it, voracious reader though I was.
+1 I’ve also failed to get through it on two separate occasions as an adult.
In middle school, I read and loved The Three Musketeers and Gone with the Wind. They were my first attempts at classic adult novels that I really enjoyed and found surprisingly easy to read. I enjoyed some other classics in my early teens, but found them a bit more difficult, including Jane Eyre, Oliver Twist, The Crucible, and Dracula. A lot of the other stuff that I read as a young teen would probably be pretty dated now, but I really enjoyed revisiting a lot of the series recently in Paperback Crush, a survey of teen novels of the 80s and 90s. In my early teens, I was also reading a lot of adult genre writers like Mary Higgins Clark, Victoria Holt, and John Grisham. A few of my friends were reading Stephen King, but I didn’t enjoy horror as a teen.
Finding Audrey from Sophie Kinsella is a fun, light read.
Ashes in the Snow is a YA historical fiction book about the forced exile of people from Lithuanians by the Soviets. The book was actually a quick read and easier to digest that what the topic suggests. Enlightening, uplifting (spoiler alert–the main narrator survives), but gives perspective to what we have to do (stay home! wash your hands with soap) vs. being forced to leave your home with virtually no notice and being sent to the artic circle.
Harry Potter!
I loved Christopher Pike’s vampire series then too.
Is Hunger Games / Divergent too…close to our current situation?
Meg Cabot, especially The Princess Diaries.
Ha! What does it say about me-age 40–that I liked meg Cabot? I think she has a series about vampires which was really good. I like light, easy reading!
Does anyone have a clare v bag? What’s the quality like? I’m thinking about getting one of their midi sac bags – they’re not crazy expensive, but not particularly cheap, either.
I have several and really like them. Clare v is my go to for clutches and bags, it makes me feel very effortlessly cool. I have a midi sac and the quality is great, I’ve had it for a few years and looks almost new. Like all leather bags, if you get a lighter color and wear with denim there is a risk of bleeding though.
Thank you! This is super helpful. What color do you have? I’m thinking of the Sienna with the black and white stripe.
I have the tan lizard with a navy red stripe—actually super similar to what you’re thinking of! It’s on sale at shopbop if you’re curious. LOVE the sienna with black and White stripe, so classic!
I am obsessed with mine (Herieth I think?). I had some sticker shock when it initially came because it’s so simple, but I love it. It has worn in beautifully and the design is smart. It’s also super light but also roomy. Definitely want to pick up another one and I am not a “spend more than $150” on a purse type.
Thank you! Yeah, this is about the price range I usually spend on bags, but I buy them sooo rarely. I think the last time I bought a purse was at least 5-6 years ago.
Which one are you looking at? I’m coveting the Midi Sac in Evergreen Snake but I definitely don’t need an impractical bag I’ll barely wear!
I’m thinking this one: https://www.clarev.com/collections/crossbody-bags/products/midi-sac-sienna-rustic-w-black-cream-desert-stripes with either the checkerboard or plain back nylon strap since they’re offering a free strap with $200 purchases (which is nice since $65 for a plain nylon strap seems kind of ridiculous in the first place). I love all the colors though – the black with the light blue/pink stripes and the navy in particular.
And yes, I feel kind of silly buying a purse right now since I don’t care one that often in normal times, but since I feel like they never have sales, even being able to snag the free strap seems like a decent deal.
What is the best way to ask for work from partners now that we are all working remotely? I tried teleconferencing a few partners, but none of them picked up. So I sent them messages letting them know that I have time and to keep in mind if they have anything I can help with. The male ones never responded. The female ones did say yes, that they would keep me in mind if they have any new matters. How frequently should I do this so as not to be annoying? And is there a best time to do this?
Not an attorney so maybe I’m missing something, but is there a reason you teleconferenced instead of just calling or emailing? In my experience, teleconference is more for planned meetings than spontaneous calls. I would ignore a spontaneous teleconference request, too. Then, when the person messaged me right after, I would think “great now I can’t respond or they’ll know I was available and just didn’t answer their teleconference” and then I’d forget to respond later.
Ha ha, totally.
If your firm e-mails around new matter openings, I’d scour those each day for either partners you like or work you’d like to do (or any work that would be tolerable where you could add value). And e-mail those people directly that you’d love to review FERC regulations, etc. ALSO for all the new regs, etc. review those and volunteer yourself for an alert on them (talk to the relevant practice group leader — if you get sacked, at least you’ll have fresh stuff on your resume and link up that stuff on linked in). I’ve written three in the ast week on forbearances alone. Ugh. But stuff like that.
Please don’t do this frequently. We know — trust me, we KNOW — associates are slow.
I’m a partner who’s giving out work right now. Send me an email. Mentioning it on a teleconference is fine, but I am likely to forget. And besides, it never hurts to have a written record of your requests.
Oh please please please don’t spontaneously teleconference unannounced, unless that is a known, preferred contact method for those individuals.
Email. Are you aware of any busy cases you want to join? Try to suss out who is busy and ask to get involved in those matters specifically because you’re interested in xyz issue or just wrapped a similar case etc. Nothing over the top, just a sentence explaining your interest so you stick in their minds a little bit. Does your firm have an assignment partner? Reach out to them too.
I would definitely not teleconference out of the blue, that’s an odd way of reaching out. I’d suggest calling and leaving a voicemail if they don’t pick up or following up with an email. There are a ton of people looking for work right now so don’t read anything into it if people don’t respond. As someone who has people constantly asking me for work, I honestly don’t have time or energy to individually respond to everyone to tell them I can’t help them. Keep reaching out periodically (say once a week) to stay top of their mind. Part of it is just staying at the front of their mind so that when something does need an associate, you’re at the top of their list.
+1 – Also, it sounds like you are a junior associate, so maybe ask senior associates who may be more in tune with staffing needs than partners in some cases are and can suggest you to partners when new matters arise.
Please let us get with the times and retire voice mail. There’s nothing more annoying than having to check VM when it could easily have been an email.
I’m with you but many of the partners I work with love their voicemail and are about 4 times more likely to respond to a voicemail than an email. I tell people that work FOR me to email me not leave vms but for clients and senior people, I defer to their preferred methods.
I would recommend thinking about current or recent matters you’ve worked on and suggesting related projects to add value. Some examples:
– If you’re on a litigation team and there are upcoming briefs or pleadings to be filed, ask if it would be helpful for you to start drafting sections or doing research for those.
– If you worked on a transaction, maybe ask if it would be helpful to take the transaction documents and “generalize” them into a template agreement you can use for future deals. If there’s a certain type of matter you get a lot of, maybe draft an intake questionnaire to guide initial conversations with the client to make sure to ask common questions that come up.
– If you assisted with research to provide counseling advice to a client, maybe revisit the issue and ask the partner if it would be helpful to dive deeper on the question to provide additional depth/color to your advice, or research related counseling questions that you haven’t been specifically asked but are likely to arise in the future. If there’s an issue you advised on a year or two ago, ask the partner if it would be helpful to update the research to see if there have been new developments since.
Basically, partners who are slammed may need help but not have the time to think of how you can help. If you propose something specific, it’s much easier for them to say, “Sounds great, please go ahead.” Or they might not like your idea itself, but it will spark another idea for a project.
In your proposal email, also specify/confirm the client/matter you propose to bill the project to so they can confirm that, as well. Also, give yourself a deadline: “If this sounds good, I can have something to you by next Tuesday.”
What is the difference between a phone call and a teleconference? I bill all my phone calls as teleconference because that’s how we were told to do it when I was a wee young associate.
video call, like webex. I think the billing word teleconference was pre-video calls. if an associate video called me out of the blue to ask for work I am not sure I would assign them anything client facing.
I am not aware of differences in billing codes, but a phone call is me picking up a dialing someone directly. A teleconference is a conference call – I’m sending a dial in number and access code around so that multiple people can join on a call (or possibly a zoom/webex/video call, but that’s a very, very rare instance in my practice). Using my definition of teleconference, I would never “teleconference” a partner unless it’s part of a larger discussion on a deal. But to “teleconference” someone individually is just… odd. A teleconference not designed for one on one calls.
+1 on the confusion here. I still take notes of attendees when on phone meetings as “tcw” – my abbreviation for “teleconference with” as an associate.
If by any chance the OP means she is doing unannounced video calls rather than normal phone calls, that’s a reason I would choose to avoid her rather than staff her… sorry.
If OP means she looks for open time on their Outlook calendars and sends a scheduler that gets declined – that’s not as bad but still annoying. Like, you don’t need to affirmatively take a chunk of time out of someone’s day when you’re already asking them for them to take time to think of things to give you.
I would say a weekly check in by email would be best, but would defer to the preferred communication method of the partners in question.
Another thought– ask the partner’s assistant if they know of anything that needs to be done on a file. Then, you email the partner and say– Susan, I am going to do the depo summaries on the x case. Partner will be thankful.
I realize this is a bit odd, but this is what partners at my firm have told me to do when I’m slow. They often have associates in mind for bigger tasks on cases, and if they really are busy, they forget about what needs to be summarized, memo’ed, etc. YMMV at your firm obviously.
This is fine if you’re already on a matter – in fact, I’d say you SHOULD be doing this for all your existing matters. But don’t do this on matters you’re not already working. No one wants to see a surprise name pop up on a bill.
1. Is there a person who coordinates staffing? If so, check in with that person and offer to send an email every Monday morning listing your expected capacity for the coming week. Even if your office doesn’t have an official Coordinator, a lot of times a partner will sort of assume that role – might be your practice group leader, office managing partner, or someone else who is just well connected. Find out who that person is and check in with them weekly.
2. If you’re a litigation associate, it’s a good time to sign yourself up for doc review. If your firm has an e-discovery practice group, the head of that group is likely in a position to get you onto a doc review. In other firms, the head of litigation will do this. If your firm has both, reach out to both.
3. Make sure the most senior person in your practice group in your office knows that you’re looking for work.
4. Target a couple of partners you like working with or who work on the type of cases you like. If you tell me – I read the complaint in X case that you’re working on and I’m really interested, can I help? – I’m more likely to find some assignment for you than if I get a generic email that says you’re slow.
5. Be proactive about nonbillable work. Senior lawyers are churning out client alerts at a crazy high rate – plus we’re fielding calls for clients. It is so so helpful when an associate offers to write those alerts. Taking this off my plate – and doing a good job – makes me see you as someone I want to mentor.
Ooh I love this. And the sale!
I started at a new job fairly recently, so this remote situation is super weird .8 started remotely, and was generally told that the hours were 9:30-6. This is a very touchy-feely office, lots of ice breakers and fun zoom activities and things like that. In general, people don’t seem to be strictly enforcing work life balance, and it’s definitely worse while WFH.
In any case, people (including partners) sometimes send emails late at night – last night at 9:15 and 10:45. They were not at all urgent. I replied to one a few days ago but I don’t think anything would have been said if I had replied in the morning, and the others I didn’t see at night.
I know that with my boss I should just be upfront and ask. When we all eventually go back to our offices I think I’ll be able to manage it with a combination of “I’m leaving and will check my messages at home” and “I have a 6:30 yoga class and will check my messages after”, and I know people do the latter here already. Any tips for managing this while remote?
You manage it by either doing it, if it is urgent, or responding in the morning. No need for check ins and excuses. Your boss doesn’t need to know you have yoga.
+1. Just do it. You don’t need an excuse or a reason beyond “boundaries.” Set it now without making a grand announcement about it, then enforce it, while making exceptions for the rare all-hands scenario.
My tip is communication – ask your boss, get to know your colleagues and ask them. I don’t think you can extrapolate from the present to the future, and frankly, things are likely to change, so the way things were before isn’t likely to be reflective of the new normal. But ask. Figure out expectations by asking. Right now, people are probably just getting things done when they can.
As someone who always sent late night emails, that’s because I was clearing my own head of what needed to be done, thinking through / assigning next steps, and we all knew that it didn’t mean “you’re expected to check / respond promptly at 10 pm.” Don’t overthink this.
I had a boss who expected his 2am emails answered by 4am.
His successor, a very kick-ass woman, sent an email Saturday morning that resulted in several of her direct and indirect reports meeting for hours over the weekend to get her a complete response by Sunday. She subsequently called a meeting and said “I tend to go through my unanswered emails on Saturday but that doesn’t mean I need an answer by Sunday. Unless I specifically say I need this ASAP, which I expect to be rare, getting back to me sometime the next week is fine. Enjoy your weekends.”
I tell this story because everyone is different in terms of expectations. If I were you, I’d ask directly.
Just because someone sends you an email doesn’t mean you have to respond instantly. Just reply during your normal hours. Replying late at night may make it seem like you’re either very junior or busy with something else during the work day and need to make up hours.
Anyone else disappointed in humanity? Let me preface this by saying I’m obviously not perfect. Anywhooo onto the story. I was on a ‘social’ work zoom, you know the type, and I mentioned that I’m worried about how this will impact some of the vulnerable indigenous communities in South America. This buffoon proceeded to say something along the lines of “it will be fine, all Indians are basically the same and just mooch”. Woah holy Batman such a US centric and racist thing to say I just could not engage further.
I’m sorry your colleague said WHAT?!
Is there something particular about vulnerable indigenous communities in South America and coronavirus? I would have though that they were quite remote and likely to be spared its worst. Maybe you work with an aid group where this is relevant somehow (it seems quite random unless they will suffer more or somehow their suffering would be more dearly felt to people on the call).
Unfortunately illegal gold mining has become a source of exposure.
I also read that religious missionaries may be trying to take the opportunity provided by the damage caused by the recent flooding.
Is there a word or two missing from the last sentence? I feel like I don’t understand it.
Yes, sorry. I read that some religious groups are trying to take advantage of the opportunity to reach people they wouldn’t normally be able to access (since people have been displaced by the flooding). I am sure their goal is to help people materially as well as save their souls, but I think there are a lot of ethical issues here, including the risk of contagion.
Idk this all sounds fake. Who randomly brings up indigenous South Americans on a social work zoom?
I didn’t bring it up randomly. We were discussing covid, and someone mentioned “at least the Amazon isn’t burning anymore” to which I responded actually it is still burning and then I made the comment in the original post.
Here’s an article: https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/13/americas/brazil-indigenous-coronavirus-intl/index.html
This sounds like a woman I used to know who could work “but what if this happened to a CHILD” into every single conversation about Bad Things.
I get not everyone cares about social issues, but I expect (maybe naively and misguidedly) that people will just ignore things they don’t care about rather than saying something so actively hurtful.
Wow, you sound awful. (Not you, OP)
Like the Woke Olympics, it now seems that we’ve added the Suffering Olympics
Actually, it has been in the news quite a bit since a young boy died, and they’re worried miners (illegally as commonly done) had some into the area and spread it. CNN featured it….I believe last week? It saddens me a great deal. That’s a glimpse at life in a way that no where else offers. It’s like hearing of an endangered species likely going extinct. I don’t know how that couldn’t upset someone. And shocking to be that horrid in front of coworkers to boot. I feel like these past few weeks have really brought out the best and worst in some people. I feel like I can’t even go on Twitter anymore and I’ve silenced a bunch of folks on Facebook, too.
Sorry, but indigenous peoples are not animals going extinct, nor is their value giving everyone else a unique glimpse of life like some sort of museum exhibit.
This. So much.
I would take it to HR. Racism in the workplace cannot be tolerated.
Hard disagree. Handle it in the moment.
Maybe this board isn’t what I thought it was if I’m the guilty party for being offended by such blatant racism.
I was certainly not suggesting you shouldn’t be offended. I was suggesting you say, in the moment, “Well, that was really racist and offensive.” Go to HR immediately when he discriminates against someone.
+1
I meant I agree that you should not go to HR.
+1 to anon at 1:22. Reporting this to HR gets you stuck with a snitch label, and HR has enough to deal with right now.
Does anyone know of a way to get discounted Westlaw access (free trial?), or should I Just sign up for one month at $75 a pop? I just want to run a few searches. Thx!
no idea. but have you tried Google Scholar?
Call them. A friend who has his own practice said he’s been hounded by legal marketers recently offering all sorts of discounts who are all figuring out how to drum up new business at this very weird time.
Your state law library may be able to help get you set up or a limited one day license or something like that. I have routinely gone to the library pre-pandemic to do research and westlaw and lexis were available for free with a library specific login!
A family member has complained via some text chains that her kid (11, boy) is being bullied at school and via some internet games that kids play. I get that schools are generally better if kids are being physically assaulted, but I am not sure exactly what “bullying” entails. I get that some younger kids feel tormented to the point of cutting and even suicide, so I’m not dismissing it, but trying to educate myself a bit to support the family member (and my kids are younger, but may encounter this IRL).
Are there good internet resources to check out now that I’m on lockdown?
And anything good for understanding how internet gaming bullying can work (can you block people? just invite friends? this is new to me as I don’t do this and my kids just play minecraft with one set of local cousins).
Also, I think meaning well, this family member went to get a restaining order against the problematic kid (which, considering that the courts are generally closed, was not granted). I am a bit concerned that family member can do things that make a bad situation worse (unless your kid has killed someone, I don’t think that courts involve themselves with 11YO kids, certainly not for a restraining order; and that hearing could really inflame things). I’m also a bit concerned that for the relative’s kid, an 11YO kid with no dad around, not having the home environment to help him appropriately (absent coronavirus, I’d maybe invite the kid to travel to visit us this for a while this summer, sign all kids up for something like karate classes that IMO have been good with helping stepkid in similar circumstances develop a don’t-even-thing-about-it aura that may not have been what did the trick but ultimately made him feel more in control of dealing with the nastiness of some kids entering middle school (that was about a decade ago)). Relative’s kid is a sweet kid and I am sad that he is a target of things like this.
Here’s the thing. You are so ignorant and uninformed I don’t think you should try to help at all. Your contempt for the concept that there could be bullying that isn’t physical is apparent throughout your comment. The idea that a man is needed to help with this or that karate is the answer is sexist antiquated garbage.
Clearly, this isn’t your thing. So say things like “I’m so sorry that sounds rough” and otherwise keep out of it.
“You are so ignorant and uninformed” – remind me, who is the bully again? Sheesh. She asked a question.
She asked a question full of doubt that cyber bullying could even be a thing. Anyone who spends 5 seconds looking into this would know better. This isn’t a genuinely curious question.
But why not take this as an opportunity to inform rather than attack? I mean in what world is yours a helpful answer?
In the world in which instead of coddling people trying to stir up discussion so they can share further their sexist views, we tell them nope not today we see you and aren’t playing your games.
Huh. Not the OP but surprised about the karate suggestion being sexist/antiquated. I thought it was still a common hobby to float by both boys and girls to potentially help with confidence, physical activity, making friends, etc. Of course no activity is right for every kid, but giving that one a shot is now frowned on?
(No kids, no expertise in child development, am aware I’m ignorant. But I did karate at that age many moons ago, and so does a good friend’s socially struggling son nowadays.)
No no my point isn’t “karate” is bad, it’s that suggesting it as a response to cyber bullying while doubting that could even exist and bemoaning the lack of a man’s presence in this child’s life is clearly absurd and not something we should entertain.
I think it is that there is only one parent and that parent seems to do nutty things. Not that there isn’t a man in the kid’s life.
+1 the concern was specifically “no dad” and the solution proposed was making the kid physically intimidating by teaching him karate. This is gendered, not a concern about single parenting.
I think the OP who jumped on the original poster has issues hereself, and should take a chill pill! We are all cooped up in our apartements b/c of the virus, but it does not justify her outburst at the original poster. When this is over, we can all get back to normal, and take out whatever aggresion we have on our boyfreinds who know that they have to put up with us b/c we put up with them. YAY!!
Cyberbullying didn’t exist when I was a kid, but being frozen out of friend groups, quietly taunted so adults never saw/heard and absolutely vile notes absolutely did. Kids that age were/are absolutely vicious. My parents unintentionally made it much, much worse by attempting to intervene with the bully’s parents. OF COURSE word got back to the kids and they just got meaner and sneakier.
I don’t know the answers, but I feel like your heart is definitely in the right place, OP, and your sense of the impact pursuing a restraining order might have is, unfortunately, probably spot on. My experience of life at that age is a large reason why I chose not to have children. I would never put another person though those years and I’m still unpacking a lot of the trauma.
Ugh — not sure that there is a solution for when the only parent a kid has seems a bit unhinged.
Some pretty awful things happened in a Northern Virginia school district when they rolled out online learning. Like, students screenshotting other students while they were talking and photographing graphic things into their mouths and blasting to the class, creating private chats to say mean things about people and then posting it for the whole class to read, private video chatting classmates to do graphic things on screen, sending classmates photos of themselves with weapons, etc. I’d definitely say that’s bullying.
Also, as the parent of a kid of a similar age, if a kid tried to discourage bullying by saying they know karate, that would just make things much worse. Being a nerd into martial arts who thinks that makes them tough is a trope in lame comedy movies for a reason.
I heard about that in Northern Virginia (so I guess no one is learning now?).
For karate, what I’ve seen is not people using it as karate, but it helps to have a good teacher who is good with kids who tells them that they have value, that they have worth, that they are worth verbally sticking up for, that a good leader protects people, etc. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but some kids carry themselves in a way that a kid likely to bully will not pick on that kid but will pick on someone with a different vibe and how they carry themselves. Does that make sense? And when the bully kid picks the wrong kid, the bully kid corrects course and keeps going until they find the right kid.
I had a kid (girl) who was hit at school by another girl. I was afraid that my kid would be a victim of zero-tolerance policies if she fought back. I make sure that the teacher and principal at the school knew that my daughter had been hit and that if they didn’t address things, that I would be backing my daughter 100% if she ever fought to defend herself. And in the meantime, I told my daughter to stay away from the other girl, to yell immediately if the girl go mouthy with her (go away — you are being a jerk), and to hit her as hard as possible if she got hit while screaming. It never came to that and I don’t know if my last advice was right, but I had a sense that that would finally solve things if it had to be that way (and I felt comfortable dealing with consequences on those facts). I was a tense month or so. I really wanted my daughter to know that she was worth defending (maybe with a secondary message that I believed in her and her ability to defend herself).
Yeah, agree that karate is something that could be likely to get the kid bullied further. It’s not The Karate Kid, they’re not going to fight and this kid isn’t going to defeat him. He’s not going to use it to zen out a la The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. They’re going to mock him over it.
I don’t think you sign up kids for karate as a way to protect themselves from a bully. I think it’s supposed to be means to build self-discipline and confidence, which (hopefully) translate to that vibe that dissuades bullying.
In my city, a lot of kids have birthday parties in their karate dojos that seem to be fun, almost like junior ninja warriors on TV. I don’t think it would make things worse if it is otherwise a good place with kids (in general, better to fill your life with goodness anyway).
BUT, to the involving the legal system, I can say something on that. I know someone in a small town in the south who already has a reputation for being a little bit out there. Some kid picked on her son (12ish?). She called the cops. The cops went to the kids house. The kid’s mom went a little nuts. BUT that kid never went near the first kid ever again. There can be an upside to being unhinged (BUT there is probably a greater chance that you further inflame things). And here is the downside — because the first mom was seen as overreacting to a kids dispute (maybe it was truly awful tormentuous bulling? I was not there), their nice good kids also never went near that kid and we eventually switched schools to where no one was aware of this because he was left with no friends, just the kid equivalent of “acquaintances,” which could not have been fun.
I see why the OP might have the kid visit for a bit, just because it seems like the only thing that really works with these things is a reset around a completely new set of people while the bully moves on to another target.
I think you are actually the one in danger of making a bad situation worse. You are not the kid’s parent and you had no idea whether a restraining order is appropriate or not. On top of which, you have outdated and seriously weird ideas about bullying (that it has to be physical to count, that having a man around will help a kid stand up to bullying, huhhh?) So just stay out of it.
Exactly.
Also court’s are definitely hearing petitions for restraining orders. These are considered emergency matters. I highly doubt this was a factor in why the order was denied. In my state a denial for said reason would be appealable.
IANAL but in my state I think that only intimate partners (or co-parents) can get restraining orders. I wouldn’t be surprised that courts don’t deal with the name-calling of elementary school kids. Is this really a thing in some places? Even if it is, is it these days?
I’m not aware of any jurisdiction that only lets intimate partners get restraining orders. I would be shocked if that’s true.
The internet bullying concerns me because I don’t understand how it works or how to monitor (and how to stop). It is a reason that I’ve not been wanting this in my house (ditto phones), but with lockdown, I’ve let my kids to gaming and things like the Switch and maybe others let in friends. See how little I know? Any links to help a parent learn more BEFORE we have problems (or before we know we have problems)? Is it like a phone were you can just block callers?
We have been WFH for over a month and kids have been on devices constantly, with (only, we think) some friends (that we think are good kids with parents we know and like). I think they just invite friends with friend codes??? But maybe there are things going on with that that may be bad (and I am unaware of, kids often can be reluctant to be the bad guy who informs on “friends”).
Can anyone who knows more about this explain to a busy parent how I would check if this is a problem for my kids (like today)? I guess I should not be assuming, but I am so d*mn busy and don’t know what I’m doing here. My kids are good, but also will never rat people out, so there could be a problem that they experience or are witness to.
How old are your kids? Mine uses FB messenger and I have it installed on my phone so it actually sends me every single text my daughter gets (she’s 7.5). I told her when I agreed to let her use it and I remind her all the time (hey kid X just sent you a message).
I think that some parents used “bullied” in such a vague way that it isn’t helpful — no one likes being teased, but I feel that it’s so casually tossed around that it doesn’t capture true torment or what is actually happening (esp. for those of us who weren’t online as kids, we understand maybe doxxing or cyberstalking but not what actually goes on between kids these days other than sharing memes).
For those of you to know: if there is bad stuff, is it in a format that you can screenshot it (or take a picture with your phone)? I feel like this stuff happens a lot because it is easy to do things that are generally hidden (and confirms my suspicion that ultimately all bullies are cowards)(and yet I know that a lot of these kids are in some way also victims of someone / some thing and that this is what people do when they feel powerless — find someone even more powerless).
If the cyberbullying has reached a point where the parent is seeking a restraining order, it’s not some sort of vague, meaningless gray area that’s maybe bullying and maybe not. Whether the bullies have their own issues is also not really relevant, since neither OP nor the bullied kid’s parent can do anything about the bully’s home life, nor does that home life justify bullying other kids.
Is this a way to handle this? It just doesn’t strike me as optimal or even likely to fix the problem (TBH I am not sure these problems are fixable; it’s probably the #1 issue among friends who have switched their kids’ schools).
I learned a bit about cyber bullying especially in the context of video games by reading Buffy the Vampire Slayer actress Felicia Day’s book You’re Never Weird on the Internet. It’s not so enlightening on the subject that I would recommend it solely to understand cyber bullying, but if you’re a Buffy fan or had any interest in reading Day’s book, this might be a good time to pick it up.
Any recommendations for a good way to cover roots? I have dark brown hair and need to cover grays. Looking at the oribe or Rita hazan root cover up sprays or maybe the bumble and bumble crayon (prefs between those?) I’m intimidated!
L’oreal magic root touch up in the teal can. cheap, easy, and good enough.
I have the Oribe root cover up spray and really like it! It works well.
I didn’t find the crayon to be useful
I’ve used the brown bumble hair powder and the brown L’Oréal powder. Both are fine and cost about the same. They wash out but could get you through a zoom call. I think I like L’Oréal better. I’ve also heard there’s some hair mascara-type thing a friend swears by (branded Joan Rivers which we find hilarious). Finally, my hair salon will prep my color for me to pick up if I want for me to apply at home. I’ve been rocking the silver but gosh there’s a lot.
Clairol Nice & Easy Root Touch-Up has helped me extend the time between salon visits. You paint it on and let it sit for a while, and it lasts through a few shampoos. I have Rita Hazan color gloss that you use in the shower and I hoped it would also help, but I don’t find it very effective.
I use the Rita Hazan spray. I’m 4 weeks past due for color and a little spray where I part my hair makes a huge difference. On a Zoom call, no one would be the wiser. In real life, it’s not perfect but I have better self-confidence when I walk past a mirror.
I used to work on condemnation matters — usually uncontested cases where a state would condemn some land for a highway ramp or something similar to that (road widening). It usually involved setting the value of the land and writing a check. Things were adverse, but the landowner would get paid (sometimes there were issues with you could have a business in a car-dependent city lose 2/3 of its parking lot, which would present problems to the business’s viability — their fixed costs often didn’t change, just their ability to bring in revenue).
At any rate, IDK what this means for business owners today who have been forced to shut down (but still have costs). Most small businesses weren’t able to have someone read through the CARES Act for PPP loans, nor did many community banks. Many small businesses are franchises (which are excluded, IDK why — these are local employers with local employees and an important part of our local tax base; IDK why shake shack gets $ but not our local franchise of McDonalds or Mathnasium).
I know that this isn’t the same as a condemnation, but I want to cry for the small businesses I work with. So many people saved for decades for their businesses. Who are are as people is so wrapped up in what we do (which is seen by them as: serving our communities, supporting local schools who ask for donations a lot, and supporting our employees). They can’t plan for their futures. They may never be able to retire.
They and their employees and their suppliers are suffering. It extends to health care — primary care and non-hospital medicine is mostly shut down, employees furloughed, equipment bills go unpaid, etc.
I see so many things thanking health care workers, and they deserve thanks. But I see no one even tipping a hat to people who have made huge sacrifices to prevent health care workers from being overwhelmed and I want to thank them for the blank check we’ve demanded them to write, that they wrote, and that they will continue to write. Please think of them.
I think thanking health care workers is easy (or easier) because they are so visible in this fight. But you’re right, there are so many who are making sacrifices. I know the Smithfield plant has been in the news because of the transmission issues there, but I feel like people otherwise completely forget that every single consumable you purchase at the grocery store is being manufactured in a plant full of people who keep coming in each day. We thank the grocery store workers because they are visible, but no one thanks those on the line at the milk plant or the pasta factory.
If you haven’t seen Care and concern about small businesses you haven’t been paying attention.
+1 I’ve heard “what about the small businesses” so many times, often in an attempt to justify throwing their employees out in the cold and not as a way to continue to support the community.
As a counterpoint, I know a pizza franchise owner (so eligible for no relief) who is staying open just to give some hours to employees, hoping that the business doesn’t shut down forever before we’re cleared to reopen. I know he’s not making $ because they have cut back on hours to deal with more cleaning and less of the “pizza when the bars close” business (and they are a city location, so 75% of the buildings near them are commercial and obviously closed and not full of normally-hungry workers). He is a good person. I don’t know many small business owners who are rotten people. The rotten ones don’t tend to last. I’m not a churchy person but if there were servant leaders, I don’t know many small business people who wouldn’t qualify.
this. small businesses need help and we need to recognize this, and not shout people down as “you don’t care about human lives!” there are other human lives being impacted by this.
My neighbors have a “thanks all workers/working” sign which I think is a nice way of more broadly recognizing people.
I would love it if better labor policies (mandatory sick pay?), a higher minimum wage, less big business and more small business, better health care coverage perhaps not linked to employment, stronger unions — basically some tangible things/real reform could ultimately come from this.
well if we keep on this way there will be no small business left so… let’s work to find a solution that isn’t saying just saying business bad government good, over and over again.
I have no idea what you mean. Business and government unfortunately seem to be the same thing as government is just a tool to shuttle money to the Uber rich.
If health care was not connected to employment, wouldn’t that decrease the burden on small businesses? If all employers paid a flat fee/fixed percentage akin to a health care tax, then economies of scale that large companies benefit from would not apply anymore. I guess this argument only holds if you compare this hypothetical to a small business that is offering health benefits now, which not all do.
And further, if receiving decent health care no longer is a factor when you pick your job, wouldn’t that make small businesses more competitive for workers?
A lot of relief isn’t real relief. Letting tenants delay rent payments doesn’t forgive those payments. Eventually, a landlord that owes a four-plex (common in my city) will have tenants who owe thousands of dollars and realistically won’t be able to ever pay that back (maybe over 30 years?). So the landlord’s CARES Act relief will allow for small delays on the mortgage (but none on city taxes), but also not forgiveness. Tenants can’t be evicted. Even if they could be, more tenants can’t be found. The bank takes the building back but then also can’t sell it (and someone has to pay property taxes or cities will run out of $, they certainly aren’t getting sales tax $ now). Schools rely on property taxes, so do we cut . . . teachers? sanitation workers? road crews? social workers? building inspectors? not fund health insurance or pensions for retirees? You can see how the dominos will start falling — when big law firms are cutting salaries or doing layoffs, even we WFH workers aren’t safe for very long. And it is so completely unfair who has gotten relief and who hasn’t. And the temporary relief is not likely to help now that this problem is proving to be not temporary.
States will run out of $. Cities will run out of $ first.
A lot of law drafters seem to think that all landlords are residential and that all landlords are big public REITs with good credit and plenty of cash to burn through. In my city, a lot of mom and pop hotels have large populations of residents who use them as apartments of last resort that are unemployed that are going to be foreclosed on soon because they aren’t traditional multfamily borrowers entitled to forbearance under the CARES Act. So at some point, their residents will be out on the street after enough payments are missed.
My parents own that type of motel. They’re currently bringing in like 20% of what they normally do. They’re fortunately ok (own the property outright, so their expenses are just mainly just property taxes and utilities). But it sucks that none of the relief options really work for them, and we’re all out of those funds anyway.
Our governor is pretty reasonable, so I’m just praying we get the number of test kits and contact tracers necessary to start opening things up quickly.
Ugh — school is now cancelled for the rest of the school year. Even if things reopen, now many workers won’t be able to work. I know that there is corona-virus relief act $ for this somewhere, but in my state self-employed people are having trouble accessing benefits and I don’t think things are sorting themselves out in any quick or manageable fashion.
Any recommendations for high-quality stainless steel cookware? I’d like a set that lasts forever.
My cheap nonstick pots and pans are falling apart and it’s time for a new set. Normally, I would hunt for something like this at estate sales, but those aren’t happening any time soon…
I have a set of Farberware pots and saucepans that’s 12 years old and looks like new (I can use steel wool to clean them up when I need to). A handle on a saucepan broke a few years ago and I got a replacement easily online. They’re also not super heavy, which I appreciate.
Caveat: This does not include the frying pans. The ones that came with the set were nonstick and wore out quickly. I have since switched to stainless frying pans and particuarly like the “sensuell” ones from Ikea.
Non stick will never last forever. I just replaced my big nonstick sauté pan (I use it for things like sausages, curries, pasta sauces, all that kind of thing) and didn’t want to spend more than £35 (managed to get a Jamie Oliver brand one in the sale) because of the limited life.
My other pans are mostly thick stainless steel – I have been really impressed with the IKEA 365 stuff for this. And I have one small Dutch Oven that’s a supermarket copy of Le Creuset – but it’s heavy and I wouldn’t want all my pans to be from that range.
I love my all-clad 10″ skillet. It’s very expensive but it’s the only one I use and it’s amazing and seems like it will last forever. I have a cuisinart stainless steel stock pot and saucepan and those are good but not nearly as good. I also love my 8″ lodge cast iron pan and my staub 4 qt enamel cast iron pot. This is literally 100% of the cookware I own and it is more than enough for my small family. No regrets on any of it — I could see the saucepan wearing out since I use it almost every day, and I will then replace it with an all-clad one, but otherwise I expect these all to last as close to forever as possible.
We’ve been happy with All-Clad. It’s all we use for anything, although I occasionally break out an old Lodge cast-iron.
Sierra dot com, which is part of T J Maxx, sells factory-second All Clad and that’s what we use. We bought a set of 3 graduated-size nonstick skillets in the anodized finish for less than $120 last year. We use them nearly every day and we try to treat them with care, but we know they won’t last. I love them so much – great even heating, easy to cook eggs in, etc. – but with nonstick cookware, nothing gold can stay. I wouldn’t pay full-price for All-Clad but am happy to drop a little extra on the factory seconds and use them until they’re dead.
Sierra online is closed. That’s the first major online retailer that I’ve seen who is closed.
TJ Maxx is closed.
We’ve had luck buying a lot of used All-Clad on e bay.
I bought my collection of All-Clad slowly, from the twice-yearly sales at cookwarenmore – they have All-Clad “irregulars” that seem totally fine to me, and they have held up incredibly well. Love them.
I just bought an ‘Always Pan’ but it hasn’t arrived yet. I’m looking forward to replacing my pans with stainless steel for Christmas so following closely for recommendations. I basically never want to buy pans again.
I’ve been slowly replacing non-stick pots/pans with all-clad 5-ply. They are expensive but occasionally William Sonoma or Crate & Barrel have sales. I have been only buying the pieces I use all the time instead of a set. Started with small and medium sauce pans, then got larger sautee pan and a 12 inch skillet. I have a less expensive stainless large stock pot I got on Amazon and have large la creuset for soups/sauces. I still keep 10 and 12 inch non-stick skillets (for eggs, fish, etc), but replace them every 2 years or earlier if they look scratched. The calphalon set of 2 skillets is always on super sale and decent quality.
+1 I did exactly the same thing. And I recently bought 3 non-stick All Clad and LOVE them! Such a difference between the All Clad pots and pans versus the Faberware set I had.
Funny, I posted my thread before seeing yours! I am All Clad D5 all the way. They have been amazing and really upgraded my cooking experience. Wait for a W&S sale – usually there’s a 20% off one every few months. I’m thinking of getting a non-stick skillet just for eggs and similar, but honestly other than eggy things, the regular All Clads are great. Still very easy to clean with a quick soak.
I have some All-Clad copper core. Very pricy, but they’re amazing, and they’ll last a lifetime. Though, honestly, I don’t believe in “sets,” and I’d only pay for the copper core for a 10″ fry pan and a medium sautee pan. I’d get All Clad tri-ply or 5-ply for a couple of sauce pans (including one steamer basket) and a small stock pot.
I’d add to that a cast iron pan, a Le Creuset Dutch oven, and an inexpensive 8″ non-stick pan for eggs. That would be a pretty great set-up.
All Clad. I have had my set for 21 years and other than supplementing with a cast iron skillet, I have never needed anything else.
All Clad will last you forever. It’s not cheap but you only have to buy it once. Look for sales or gifts with purchase this time of year.
I have some All Clad and some Tramontina tri-plys (all clad knock off that I think was originally sold just at Walmart but is now sold a bunch of places). Honestly, I am not a fancy enough cook to notice a huge difference between the two, and Tramontina is considerably cheaper.
I have a cuisinart set I bought ten years ago that’s still going strong. Except for one pan that a terrible ex ruined on super, super high heat. What is it with men thinking everything needs to be cooked on the highest heat??
We have IKEA 365+ and it has held up well, going on 10+ years.
I love pots and pans and here goes:
1. a lodge cast iron pan is inexpensive and lasts forever, and if you get the seasoning right, the non-stick is great.
2. you could get an enameled cast iron like a le creuset or a staub, BUT
3. my favorite is a multi ply demeyre because it can do soups like a staub but when desperate, I can also use to fry rice and such (but for fried rice, my first choice my be the cast iron, or 4), and
4. a carbon steel pan (needs to be seasoned like a cast iron, but lighter and also gets that non-stick quality.
If demeyre is out of the range of what you want to spend, all-clad works well too!
Lo and Sons has a good deal going now, 40% off plus 15% off. Does anyone have the Pearl? Thoughts?
I do and do not like it. I would gladly sell it to you. It’s too small for my needs.
I’m not a huge fan either. I find that so many pockets in a small bag is just annoying. But I think this is a matter of personal preference.
Same. I sold mine on eBay years ago after trying to make it work for a few months.
What colour is yours that you’re looking to sell?
From an opposite perspective – I *LOVE* my Lo & Sons. I love it so much I was actually considering purchasing a second one in a different color earlier this year before the pandemic put my fun spending on hold.
I have it in the light grey saffiano leather, and it’s held up quite well through heavy usage over the last 3.5 years. I find that the size is great for non-work times, and can hold an e-reader/small tablet quite along with my wallet, phone, and paper planner. I like the organization of the 3 large pockets and makes it easy to find things instead of rooting through a larger bag.
I have the same one. It’s…decent. I wouldn’t put it in a 10/10 category. I’d give it like a 7 or 8. It’s a useful thing to grab for conferences because it fits in my suitcase and I can wear it around all day to hold a small notebook, cards, pens and some other necessities. I’ve never used it for anything else really. It’s not fancy enough for dressier situations (it’s very “work bag” looking), and too formal for a travel crossbody (I did use it for this once or twice, but it wasn’t the best).
I got it and returned it – it just missed the mark for me.
I pink puffy heart love mine. I don’t carry much stuff around and it fits my needs specifically.
I have one in navy saffiano. I love it. Looks like new two years later. Has decent storage.
I have two and love them! The saffiano ones hold up extremely well, so buying one secondhand could be a good option.
I have one in basic black and love it. It is big enough to carry what I *need*, not so big that I am tempted to carry too much on one shoulder (which leaves me in pain later in the day), and small enough to fit in my tote if I need a combo.
And it might be too formal for some travel, but I took mine to Europe a couple of times and it was perfect.
I came back from lunch on Monday to an 18,000 person reply-all chain, complete with memes. It appears to have restarted today, courtesy of a steady trickle of ‘please remind me from this list’ messages and then people getting exasperated with them. I know this shouldn’t be funny but it’s the kind of light relief I needed.
Oh no! People complain but I always think it’s hilarious.
While annoying, I definitely also find these hilarious.
I love nothing more than an out of control reply-all chain. They can be so hilarious!
I know people hate these generally but I always find them hilarious
I’m so jealous. That would give me hours of entertainment.
The icing on the cake is that all of these 18,000 people work in digital or IT. And yet no-one seems to understand what’s going on.
I always wonder why people inevitably send “please remove me from this list” emails, do they think that magically works?
Ask A Manager likened this to being in the middle of a huge traffic jam and honking your horn. Both are funny and totally pointless.
Love it! I came in yesterday and somebody had reply-all’d to a two-month-old retirement announcement, which started that up again with people reply-all-ing to give good wishes to somebody who has now been gone for two months. Heh.
My favorite is when those start bc someone sends a request to the 100% incorrect email group. Like emailing the shipping and receiving GAL for a subcontracts related matter.
Yes! My all time favorite was one that started with someone thinking they were emailing payroll about a question related to their tax elections or something and somehow managed to email the listserv of everyone on payroll (i.,e., the entire company) followed by approximately one billion “please remove me from this list”
Here’s a silly little thing making my day brighter that you may want to consider implementing. I’m running low on paper in my legal pad and instead of picking up more from my office or ordering some online, I decided to use some journal sized notebooks I had lying around. I’m taking my notes in a hot pink journal that says “Make Today Awesome” that has hearts on all the pages. It’s something some family member bought me for Christmas, not something I would ever buy myself. I feel like a total tween and it is making boring conference calls so much more fun to be taking notes in it.
At some point, office work will resume and these will get scanned into a client file and I don’t even care because the pandemic is a great reason to have notepaper with hearts on it. When this notepad runs low I’m totally buying another tween journal instead of a boring yellow pad. I definitely wouldn’t want to bring this into a meeting or use it in my regular office but I’m absolutely loving it in my home office at the moment.
Not a lawyer, but I generally use yellow letter-size pads to take notes. I ran out yesterday and now I’m using the novelty notebook my SIL gave me – teal cover with unicorn pugs on it. Eff the haters.
Yes, I’m using this opportunity to use all the little notebooks, novelty post-its, random coloured pens that roam around my house. And all the random skincare samples etc.
Same! So satisfying to use them up.
I always use a spiral bound notepad at work, and they almost always have a ridiculous cover. I am senior enough that I really could not care any less about what people might think, and clients at mediations always love them. My current one has RBG riding a unicorn.
Might have to find that one as my next notebook! When we are in the office I stick with the legal pads because I got through so many, I don’t want to be buying those notebooks with my own money. For work from home though, totally worth the money for a little bright spot in my day.
The other fun thing I’m doing is having my morning coffee in a fancy china teacup and saucer and feeling fancy, despite working in my PJs.
Hello wise ladies of the Hive. I am looking for some advice re: weight loss, as I started having a little bit of a breakdown about it last night. I am overweight and in fact, technically, on the BMI chart I’m “obese class 2” – so “severely obese”. I know that I need to lose weight. I know that this isn’t healthy. But honestly I don’t know what to do that will help me lose weight and, more importantly, keep it off.
I did Weight Watchers a couple of years ago (tracking points, but not eating their products) and lost a good bit of weight at first by tracking my points, but then I felt like I had done well and stopped following it, which of course caused me to gain the weight back, plus some. Part of the problem is that I don’t *look* like what you picture an obese person to look like when you hear that word; my weight is distributed such that I have an hourglass figure, while my waist isn’t small by any means, it’s just smaller than my hips and bust, so it looks more proportionate – so I think I justify to myself that “it’s not that bad” and haven’t worried about it. The weight gain has been more of a creep than dramatic, but I think I’ve gone up a size every year or so for the last few years. Of course, first, I know it isn’t healthy, and second, the COVID situation has me panicking a little about it, though I’m trying to remain calm. I know there’s no overnight solution for weight loss.
I do some things to stay active, mainly yoga and walking, but no intense workouts because I have a health problem that makes certain moves not feel great. I know eating is typically the biggest portion of weight loss, but obviously, this is where I really struggle. If it was easy, I would have already done it. I guess I’m just looking for advice or suggestions on where to start? Should I try Weight Watchers again? Is it time for me to seek medical weight loss options like a prescription? Something else? I feel at a loss here, which is very unlike me, I’m usually decisive and aggressive in hitting my goals, but this is such a struggle for me.
You sound so much like me! The only way I can lose weight is tracking, honestly, what I eat. And it sounds like when you put in the work to do that, it worked for you! WW is one tool, I personally found My Fitness Pal and a calorie goal easier. In general, I find that I’m less hungry why I try to focus on getting plenty of lean protein. I had a lot of success with a personal weight loss coach- I needed the accountability, but ultimately it’s about managing your caloric intake.
I have a longer post stuck in mod. (No idea why.) But THANK YOU so much to everyone who commented, I already feel better just reading the responses and I appreciate it so very much.
Personally I’d recommend a plant based diet not just for weight loss but for overall health.
I’m sorry for your struggle – it’s so, so hard. Unfortunately, there are no proven techniques to lose weight and keep it off in the long-term and there is evidence to suggest that yo-yo dieting has a strong negative impact on metabolism. Why not try incorporating more activity and healthy behaviors, but removing the focus on weight? You haven’t mentioned whether your metabolic health is good (including blood pressure, blood sugar, etc.), and if it is, I wouldn’t default to “I’m unhealthy.” I recommend checking out intuitive eating – Real Life RD and Christy Harrison have some good resources to start with.
Christy Harrison is great. I wish I could absorb more of what she says but diet culture has me wrapped up tight. I listen to her podcasts and others like her to try to shake myself out of it but as she would acknowledge, it is really hard to deprogram.
Deprogramming is SO hard. I’ve been working on intuitive eating for several years and it takes a lot of effort to fight back against diet culture and the messages that were ingrained in my mind from a young age – I’m nowhere near “done” in this effort. It’s worth it though; I can’t imagine how stressed I’d be about this shutdown and being cut off from my main forms of exercise if I were still really in the thick of dieting and “resets” and “clean eating challenges.”
Working with an intuitive eating dietician changed my life. I think it’s been about 5 years now but I feel like things really steadied out for me in the last year or two. I feel so much better and such a sense of freedom. It’s hard work but so worth it.
Intuitive eating is actually what helped me deal with some significant medical dietary restrictions without being miserable about them, and somehow freed me from the diet mindset along the way.
I know that sounds backwards (what is intuitive about “you can never eat these things again”). But I never worry about food anymore, I enjoy eating again, and I feel like I eat whatever I want. The calorie content of the food I eat hasn’t flashed through my mind while eating for years now (it used to, and I still know the numbers, I just never think about it anymore). And my blood sugar is stable without meds or glucose tablets, which was not true for me when I was running calculations in my head all the time. I think there’s a lot to be said for this approach.
This is really condescending and unhelpful Pure Imagination.
I have no idea what you’re talking about and don’t agree.
The irony is strong here as your comment is really condescending and unhelpful. No one can know what you mean by that, so it’s really unconstructive. Congrats on being mean and useless.
Huh, I thought it was understanding, kind, and helpful!
I thought Pure Imagination’s comment was on point and very helpful.
I vote for medical weight loss options. Go to a board-certified bariatric surgeon, not because you’re dead set on surgery but because many of these practices have non-surgical programs, too. I had a lap-band many, many years ago. This procedure has fallen out of favor but it has worked really well for me. I still go back to the practice every few months. I’ve taken prescription meds for a few months here and there when my weight has started to creep up. I am no longer overweight, but I view obesity (as do a lot of MDs in this area) as a lifelong chronic condition that has to be managed.
I do think Weight Watchers works if you can follow it, but don’t be ashamed of seeking outside help from a physician who can help give you tools as well.
Curious, are the prescription meds related to your lap band surgery? I’ve never heard of prescriptions like this.
Different poster here, but I’ve twice lost 30+ pounds and then kept it off for an extended period of time after taking medications that are sometimes prescribed for weight loss, though that wasn’t why I took them (wellbutrin and topamax). After I lost weight the first time, I kept it off for 10+ years and only regained the weight after being on a different drug and dealing with a medical condition that contributed to weight gain and prevented me from exercising. My situation is complicated since I am dealing with multiple chronic health conditions, but based on this experience, I’m surprised there’s not more discussion about the role of medications in weight loss, since it was completely painless- I wasn’t even trying to lose weight, I just wasn’t interested in eating as much.
I’ve definitely been curious about Contrave ever since I took Wellbutrin for one condition and naltrexone for another and happened to lose some weight!
Yup. Surgery is a proven cure for obesity and although it doesn’t work for everybody, it sure worked for me. I had a sleeve gastrectomy 10 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I still have to do all the things people have suggested above (track calories, be active) but at least the surgery leveled the playing field and gave me a fighting chance. And YES obesity is a lifelong chronic condition and I view myself as mercifully in remission.
I am always amazed at the surgery-shaming I see in popular culture. I say “high five for the easy way!” (Also for me, at least, it was the only way.)
Ha. I said “cure” and “lifelong chronic condition” in the same post. I’d modify my second sentence above to “surgery is a proven effective treatment for obesity.”
I’m genuinely curious as to what role the surgery plays as your changed habits seem to really be the key. Is it the changed mindset that you have no option but to eat healthy/etc what matters most here? Or are you physically less hungry when otherwise that wouldn’t go away? Or other factors which I just don’t know?
Typically people with the surgery get very sick if they eat too much or the wrong foods.
The surgery removed most of my stomach so I literally can’t eat nearly as much as I could before. (Some surgeries re-route the intestines — mine didn’t. Just made my stomach much smaller.) Also the portion that was removed is that part that secretes the appetite ghrelin (sp?) so that helps as well. For example, before surgery if there were cookies in the house they would call to me until I ate them all. Afterwards, they are silent or only whisper. Honestly I experience it as nothing short of a miracle.
Appetite HORMONE ghrelin.
Thanks for your replies
I will physically vomit if I eat too much solid food. Chocolate and ice cream go straight through my band, though, and when I have gained back some of the weight it’s been because I let myself eat these. When I stop eating sugar, the weight comes back off because I physically can’t overeat bread or steak or other real food. I have to make sure I get enough protein, so I am forced to choose carefully and by default have something of a low-carb diet.
Contrave works to help stop sugar cravings, but the side effects were very rough for me. A typical dose is 4 pills per day. It took me months to build up to 2 per day. They made me nauseated and tired at first.
I’m so sorry for the breakdown last night — that must felt pretty discouraging. Try to let go of any catastrophizing you were doing, if anything like was happening.
The hard part is, as you said, that there isn’t a fix that will quickly turn things around. I have to get my focus off the weight itself and focus instead on one or two things I can do today that move me toward health. So, for today…go for a walk, like you have been doing. It’s a good thing for your body and your mood. And yes, I’d sign up for weight watchers again since that’s a simple thing you can do today without spending a ton of time on research or wheel spinning as you look for the “right” or “better” solution. Even if you only use WW for a month or two before you move on to a different plan that works better for you, you’ll at least have created some movement, and that’s half the battle.
Here are some random thoughts, feel free to disregard what doesn’t fit your situation – it’s a big step that you are taking charge of your health in this way, so I commend you. Maybe it would be useful to talk with your doctor about this, since you seem more or less ok with the way you look, and having a frank conversation from your health care professional about the likely health problems in your future might help you clarify the motivation for making a lifestyle change. And speaking of lifestyle change, that has to be the goal, to build new habits that you can stick with indefinitely (I know I am not the first person saying this). If you start a diet or exercise regimen that depletes your willpower and after so many months you stop, that won’t work. Thinking back at WW, maybe there were some elements of it that worked well for you and others that didn’t (the tracking itself, the tracking system they provide, the community). You can decide to go back onto WW, or incorporate the elements that work for you into your new lifestyle. For me, I don’t track closely, but I try to eat 5 portions of fruit/vegetable every day, and on the days I meet that goal, it means I only have a limited amount of space to eat unhealthy stuff before I am full. I also had to learn to think more about protein, compared to the diet at my parents’ house. There is so much about healthy eating that I learned later on the internet, that I sometimes day dream about schools teaching a class on food groups, meal planning, basic cooking, etc. Maybe schools have this now, mine definitely didn’t.
I want to second what Anon says here. I lost over 100 pounds and have kept it off for going on six years now. You can’t look at it as a “diet,” you have to really think about what changes are sustainable for you for the long term. Here are some things that worked for me:
– I talked with my doctor before I got started and got advice about things I should be aware of. It also helped to have a baseline to see how much the “invisible” things like resting heart rate, blood pressure, A1C, etc., improved over time.
– I don’t track calories closely but I make sure each plate includes 1/2 of green vegetables, 1/4 lean protein and 1/4 healthy carbs. I also always have a salad with each meal. I never liked vegetables but now I love them!!
– I made a rule that I don’t eat food that comes from drive throughs. That eliminated A LOT of unhealthy choices I used to make.
– I found food I like and I tend to eat the same things every weekday. This might not work for you, but it gives me more flexibility on the weekends when I’m likely to be out with friends. I also tend to buy pre-prepared food like salads and sandwiches because I don’t like to cook and it’s easier for me to have things pre-portioned for me.
– I know what foods I can’t eat in moderation and I don’t keep them in the house. I know some people can eat things like cookies and chips in moderation, I’m not one of them. So I don’t buy them, and if I do, I plan for it in my day.
– I usually swap out sides like chips and fries for vegetables (but not always, sometimes you need fries!)
– I really focus on being more intentional about activity (walking at lunch, making sure to get up from my desk every hour, etc). I was never athletic but I found something I enjoyed (walking, hiking) and have stuck with it. I make sure to get my heart rate up at least 5-6 times a week, even if it’s only 10 minutes a day. “Near-o” is better than “zero” (this goes for diet too).
I was always metabolically healthy, but was unhappy with how I felt. I made small changes over a long period of time (overall, it took me almost 2 years to lose the weight) but I made sure they were sustainable and I didn’t feel like I was missing out on life – I was still going out with friends, going on trips, and having fun. I hope this helps – it was by far the best decision I made.
+1000 to swapping out starch for vegetables (but very occasionally just getting the potatoes)
Also+1 to small changes. Potatoes are fewer carbs than pasta and rice. And portion size is a learning curve.
Thank you everyone for the very compassionate comments. I actually got up and went for a walk right after posting this for a little bit of a mood boost, and coming back to all of these thoughtful comments makes me so grateful for this community.
I really appreciate the advice and thoughts and I am going to try to stop catastrophizing for now (yes, I definitely do that), and look at what I can do today, and then maybe look at some longer term options. I am definitely fearful of the long term effects of yo-yo dieting, and I think I use that as an excuse to not do anything, which is probably worse. I do have high blood pressure that is currently controlled with medication, and some very odd/uncommon issues with my esophagus (which isn’t caused by my weight, but would likely be helped by weight loss.)
I want to say: BIG HUGS. You are a lovely person. You have a lot of good things going for you. This is just one little minor thing and you can work on it and it does not define you.
I feel like making you a cup of tea and listening to you and being your friend. :)
Something that helps me is exercise. I know diet is most important to weight loss, but my habits don’t change much honestly — if I cut something out I just end up eating an alternative with the same caloric value over time. I can’t really make the change. But what I can do is exercise consistently, always make time for it and enjoy it. I walk every day and sometimes also do yoga or small weights. If you can keep your diet roughly the same (or make minor changes) then exercise does help with weight some. It’s also good for stress reduction, better sleep, etc.
I’ve made this plug here before but I highly recommend checking out “Slim by Design”. It was an interesting read and I lost about 25 pounds a year ago (and have kept it off) but implementing a few of the strategies. I started out with incorporating one or two and revisiting each month and incorporating one or two additional changes. Weight loss was slow but it’s been very sustainable. The concept of changing my environment rather than constantly having to think about what I was eating was incredibly helpful, particularly as I struggled with disordered eating as a teenager/throughout college. A serious of small tweaks to my environment made a huge difference over time. I did the same thing on the exercise front, implementing the “Tiny Habits” (also highly recommend reading) to build up from literally never exercising to now actually wanting to exercise most days. My tiny exercise habit started with committing to do a single sun salutation each day. I still keep to that habit, sometimes all I do is the single sun salutation and I still get to feel like I had a “win” for the day and kept up my streak but most of the time the single sun salutation leads to a more fulsome workout.
I could have written this! I’ve been having the same struggle, and I have the same hourglass shape, but I need everything to be smaller. I did WW 10+yrs ago and lost on it, and also lost a bunch on Primal but gained it all back plus some. I decided to just start somewhere and I signed up for WW again – the digital only plan is affordable and they were running a promo for 3mos free that I took advantage of. I’m still in my first week but I’ve cut back on my mindless snacking & all the sugary treats so that’s a win so far.
there is a blog i love, Runs for Cookies, who is very down to earth and humble, recently put some weight back on herself after losing a lot. I find her posts relatable, very real and encouraging. She does not partner with a million fitness brands or own fancy things or eat kale 3x a day. her perspective might be helpful
On the flip side, I have lost about 40 lbs in the last 8 months by taking a completely different attitude to the “runs for cookies” idea. I don’t ever treat food as a reward. I got really in touch with what “full” feels like and then also suddenly had opportunities to feel hunger. I occasionally eat a bigger or more caloric meal, but it is not a reward or something I have earned or even a “cheat”. When I do, it is a decision as to what is available and what my body can handle that day, plus what it needs (have I been losing this week, did I eat heavily the day before, is there a better choice, or is this something I really want right now that won’t derail my progress or simply need the convenience of). I am not discounting the concept of “I can force myself to be miserable by eating well and working out five days a week so I can do the thing I really want, which is indulge in all the cookies the other two days because otherwise I can’t sustain it.” Apparently that works well for some people. It just is neither motivating nor effective for me. I no longer desire that overfull feeling and feel no compulsion to binge. I also cut my sugar intake very low a while ago and lost a taste for that, as well. It felt much much harder 8 months ago than it does now. It does not feel like deprivation; I just don’t want it. So consider what makes you tick. For me, it is motivating and effective to make considered decisions all the time, and occasionally (but never on a schedule) those decisions mean french fries.
While I think you’re correct that most of the progress will happen in the kitchen, increasing the intensity and duration of exercise to the extent that you’re able will be helpful.
I changed my eating a while ago and what worked for me was identifying where I was overeating (pasta, bread, etc) and just cutting it out of my diet. People focus on junk food as what makes them gain weight, but really I think most people (including myself) eat unhealthy main meals. I don’t eat cereal, I only eat lentil pasta now, and I don’t eat bread. I make sure I eat lots of vegetables and whole fruits and never drink calories anymore except for special treats. I always eat a healthy meal before eating junk – and I still eat plenty of junk, but I eat it as entertainment instead of telling myself it’s food. I worked this all out myself via trial and error and calorie counting, but maybe it’s helpful to join WW or see a dietitian, especially if you are a more social person or need ideas. It’s all different paths to the same end goal of changing your eating patterns permanently.
+100 This is great advice. Eat whatever junk you want, after you eat your food (veggies, protein, vitamins and mineral sources to fuel and heal your body). If you do it enough you will crave healthy food after a while, as you start listening to your body’s needs.
Nesting fail for reply. See comment on ntermittent fasting below.
I have been obese my whole life, with the exception of a few years during law school when I was dealing with a highly successful eating disorder. I have done WW, tracked calories, worked out, etc. But the reality is…I am a compulsive eater. And constantly counting and restricting is exhausting.
Earlier this year, I talked to my doctor about taking Qsymia. I took it for about 4 months and LOVED IT. I lost about 30 pounds, and then had to go off of it in order to prepare to do an IVF embryo transfer. (You can’t take it when you’re pregnant or shortly before you become pregnant as it can cause birth defects.) I will certainly go back on it when I’m done breastfeeding. It was wonderful to be in a place where I didn’t have a constant urge to snack or overeat! I just….ate to live. And I didn’t have to fight the compulsion. And, because I didn’t really feel like I was depriving myself…counting calories was easier and less exhausting because all of the emotion was taken out of it.
10/10 highly recommend. It’s not for everyone, but I wish I’d found it years ago.
I’ve had some luck with Noom, but as you know, there are no shortcuts. I’m using this isolation time to try and work on myself where I can, take walks for exercise and for my mental health, and since I can’t go to restaurants, learning to cook healthier things. But there’s zero shame in talking to a doctor and going a surgery/prescription route if that’s what is right for you! I commend you for taking the steps. Depending on what progress I’m able to make, I may be asking my doctor about Qysmia when this is all over as well.
You’ve gotten lots of great suggestions here. I’d just add that I’m more likely to eat healthier when I have reliable sources of recipes for delicious and healthy food. Two cookbooks I really like for this are Deborah Madison’s Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone (I’m no vegetarian, but she makes eating lots of vegetables absolutely delicious) and the Runner’s World Cookbook (second is really good if you’re not an enthusiastic cook or do not have a ton of time for it–they have lots of recipes that are 30 minutes to make and super easy).
Congrats to you on trying to make changes!
I would start by recommending talking to your doctor about checking your hormones and about a weight loss drug option. I was on one and it kickstarted my weight loss. The side effects were horrible so will not name drug. But it worked like absolutely nothing else.
I am on currently a diet with calorie counting. It works (slowly and miserably) It’s good at keeping me accountable. It also allows me to reward myself (yeah I know that’s not healthy but times are hard right now). This is not an easy journey.
Good luck to you. This is a hard process.
OH the joys of sharing a tiny apt with DH, while we both WFH, who fails to mention he is on a Zoom call in our living room as I wander in post-shower, giving his coworkers a view of me in a towel. Anyway, I posted a bit late yesterday about damaged hair/hair breakage caused by balayage. Any product recs for treatments? I already have Olaplex #3.
I used to use Terax Crema when I bleached my hair. It worked great for me.
This happened to me too but not in a tiny apartment! I share a home office w/ my husband and I’m the one that forgot his court-wide zoom call. I’m an attorney in the same court his call was with. I got out of the shower and walked in to check my email. Luckily I was able to dart out before anyone saw me.
giggles. i love this. my boyfriend prosecutes but I don’t and we’re long distance right now, so not an issue, but I can so see this happening. :)
olaplex #3 is the gold standard.
Here’s a fun one: We bought a house from afar because of course we had a long distance move planned pre-pandemic that will now be taking place in the middle of said pandemic, and we are unable to get back and forth before the big move. I’d like to do some painting before we get in there, but also realize it’s best to see the rooms/light in person before making big decisions. Thinking of just painting the living spaces some neutral white or off-white in the interim, as currently everything is a darker beige than I’d prefer.
Any recommendations on paint colors that hold up fairly universally? This is a transitional house with lots of natural light and natural hardwood floors, for what it’s worth.
If the house has a lot of natural light, BM’s “linen white” is a great off-white. DH’s step-father is an artist who shows pieces to collectors in his home, and they have the walls and ceiling painted linen white. The floors are dark (polished brick). It’s basically just a great, neutral, blank slate without being too stark. From what I understand, white doesn’t work as well if there isn’t enough natural light–in those cases, it just looks dingy.
BM White Dove and SW Pure White are what all the design bloggers use.
Our walls are painted with Sherwin-Williams Natural Linen and I really, really love the color. It doesn’t read as a strong color but it’s not white, and it’s easy to decorate around.
My aunt died last night in her care facility. She was only 59 and had dementia. Her husband hadn’t been able to see her since March 10, because they put the entire facility in lockdown. She was regularly tested for COVID-19 and never got it. Instead she died–alone–because she simply stopped eating (typical for dementia, I know). She was only checked on once a day because the facility was so short-staffed.
I get that social distancing is necessary. But can we re-think this whole “dying alone” thing? We are letting people go to liquor stores, marijuana stores, Home Depot, etc. I feel like our restrictions are so arbitrary.
Not in care facilities we can’t They are fighting a desperate fight to avoid having 90% of their residents die.
they are arbitrary. I am sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. That is devastating. But I do not understand your second paragraph. What does allowing people to go to some stores have to do with staffing/visiting at long term care facilities? Do you want these facilities to open up to outside visitors, knowing this would very likely literally condemn all residents to COVID-19-related deaths? They would be sued to the 9s. This all sounds very selfish to me.
No, but I think we can try and find a way to get tests to loved ones to clear them for visits, do temperature screenings, require quarantine procedures for loved ones, create safe/clean rooms for people to do visitations, etc. If it’s about resources, let’s start allocating the necessary resources to ensure people don’t have to die alone. We are accepting risks in other areas of our society. We can find a way to mitigate the risk here.
Visitors would need to get tested before every visit, and in some places it takes days to get testing results. Even staff aren’t getting routine testing (without symptoms/known exposure) although they really should because test processing centres are maxed out. Temperature screenings can’t replace testing because pre-symptomatic and asymptomatic people would not have temperatures but could still infect workers or residents, and some people get other symptoms (which they might suppress in order to visit their loved one) but not fever. Everything the visitor touched (door handles, toilet flusher, faucet, chair) would have to be disinfected immediately before anyone else touched it. Visitors would require PPE which is in short supply. All the measures would require more resources, and you describe the long term care home as so short-staffed a dying woman was only checked on once a day! An outbreak in a long term care home would mean that staff get sick and residents are even less able to get the care they need. There is no practical or sufficiently low-risk way to reunite families in this situation or I truly believe we would be doing it. So many families are experiencing the same pain right now and it is so, so hard.
I’m so sorry. In my state, long-term care facilities are allowing family members in for end-of-life (assuming they pass a temperature check and screening questions).
I’m so sorry to hear this. And I totally agree on how arbitrary (and often cruel) the social distancing rules feel. Hugs.
I agree. Almost all healthcare provider websites say they are making exceptions to the no visitor policy for end of life situations yet I keep hearing of people tragically dying alone.
I agree with you and I’m sorry for your loss. I think the that stories like this one indicate the massive hidden costs of social distancing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a neuropsychologist and work with people with dementia (and have family members in similar facilities). This is devastating. The hospital where I work is allowing two people to enter at the end of life and I’m heartened by this decision, but like other posters I’m not sure how it’s being executed (just non-COVID patients? all patients?). I wish that all hospitals and nursing homes felt like they had the supplies and staff to be able to make this choice.
Following from yesterday’s post.
This is a professional job in a business formal to semi-formal context. I am replacing a vintage Coach messenger that cannot be repaired any more (or located on eBay – I have tried for years). I looked at Lo & Sons, but I strongly prefer a messenger style over a tote because fall/winter business formal means blouse, suit jacket and winter coat or trench and most totes do not stay on my shoulder with all of that. I am not a fan of backpacks either because I am short and they tend to hit me uncomfortably. Budget is flexible, but I do not like things with a lot of logos (so no LV/MCM, etc.) and I want at least some compartments for organization (so the classic Longchamp is out).
I will be 100% car commute door to door and in the office plus or minus 90 percent post-virus, with some regular car and plane travel, including three or four conferences a year. When I am in town, I will have a gym bag and lunch a couple days a week, but I plan to have separate bags for that stuff and I am fine with that.
I don’t mind carrying multiple bags to and from work, but I need one large bag for when I travel (I pack a foldable Longchamp handbag for evenings on those trips). For travel, I want to fit the laptop, iPad, the case that holds my portable mouse, power cords, extra batteries, etc., a legal pad, a couple folders, my wallet, reading glasses, sunglasses, regular glasses and contact solutions, a small bag of toiletries, my headphones, and a jewelry pouch, plus a water bottle and snacks. That means a pretty big bag!
I guess the reason I was asking about whether you do multiple bags is that I fairly regularly see very smartly dressed women carrying an expensive handbag plus a nondescript black backpack or laptop bag. I find heavy messenger bags really uncomfortable to carry (I walk everywhere) so unfortunately don’t have any suggestions beyond that! Some backpack manufacturers do do specific women’s models which are shorter, but they may not work for you.
THIS. I love my black leather tumi backpack for the heavy stuff (laptop, lunch, gym, papers, etc) and then just carry my keys, earbuds, wallet, cellphone in the small crossbody.
Have you looked at brands targeted to men? A plain leather messenger strap bag is something I’d expect to see in the window at Allen Edmonds, Brooks Bros, etc. Maybe Levenger?
It’s going to be really difficult to find a bag that looks professional and is large enough to carry everything that’s not a tote. Most messenger bags are going to be styled closer to men’s bags or bookbags since this is not a popular silhouette for women. If you do decide totes are ok, then these are a couple of great options that you can use for years. If you need more space, I’d suggest a second foldable nylon that you can put into your main bag, like the Longchamp Pliage or any of the many nylon options.
Prada Large Galleria Tote: if you have a 13″ laptop (not going to work with larger laptops), since this bag is spacious with zippered compartments, has a long strap that can make it function like a messenger bag, but is very professional and stylish and can fit all the things you will need to carry. The only downside with this bag is that you will not be able to fit extras as it is completely structured and does not have any flexibility for space like an unstructured bag. https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/prada-large-galleria-tote-prod213790074
Tumi Everyday Tote: if you travel a lot, this one is great because is huge (20″), has a zipper, and a feature that most totes don’t have, the sleeve on the back that let’s you slip it over your suitcase handle so that you don’t have to carry it on your shoulder when you’re on the move in airports or train stations.
https://www.tumi.com/p/everyday-tote-leather-01304651041/
These two in particular are business bags that work really well for people who always carry around a lot of things and travel, but if you do decide you can do a nice, main bag with a second foldable nylon bag, there are many great tote options at all price points. It’s just a matter of personal brand preference, budget, and any other little features that you like. Hope this helps!
Take a look at the Victorinox Divine. Got mine on ebags at a huge discount. I have two of them–and I love them, and they’ve been going strong as my daily commuters (subway and walking) for years. They also have very long, adjustable straps (but no cross-body strap). Pockets are thoughtful, has an over-handle sleeve for suitcase-balancing for travel, fits perfectly under plan seats, padded laptop and tablet compartment, space for eyeglasses–it’s a great bag, and it easily holds a ton. Cannot sing praises enough.
I just skimmed the replies. I didn’t see intermittent fasting mentioned. I would recommend reading the Obesity Code by Dr Jason Fung. There is also a new book I haven’t read that he conauthored called Life in the Fasting Lane. I have been following a fasting practice from 8 pm to noon for almost 4 months now. My eating has varied significantly (and has been pretty bad at times), and yet I am down almost 20 lbs. I would like to loose another 35 lbs. It has been an interesting process so far, and there has been a lot written on the medical benefits of intermittent fasting aside from weight loss (including in the New England Journal of Medicine).
I also read The Obesity Code by Fung last month! Intermittent fasting plus low carb has helped me lose about 7 -10 pounds in the last month. It’s also helping me be more in tune with when I am actually hungry.
I need better mixing bowls, like big (probably steel but may look at ceramic) ones for cooking and baking. I’ve been working with my Ikea ones for probably a decade now, but want to upgrade. What’s the premium version of mixing bowl? Like I upgraded all my pans to All-Clad, but not sure what the analogy is for bowls?
Here in the UK it would be Mason Cash. I also have a Le Creuset mixing jug which I adore.
When thinking about your bowls, think about the type of mixer you use. My large metal bowl is so shallow that it’s hard to use with a hand mixer, but is great for putting together bread dough in.
+1 to the big Le Creuset. It’s my fave.
YMMV but I like my aluminum set, I don’t like them to be heavy. I probably got them at Crate & Barrel or Amazon like 20 years ago?
I have a set of 10 glass nesting bowls (actually have two sets because Hubby and I each got them before we got married) and I use them every. single. day. for meal prep. Love them!
https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/10-piece-tempered-glass-nesting-mixing-and-prep-bowl-set/1040684833
If I were going to buy another set I wouldn’t be able to resist these rainbow ones from Williams Sonoma: https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/melamine-mixing-bowls-set-of-6/?pkey=s|rainbow%20mixing%20bowls|2&cm_src=Quickbuy&sku=6022116&qty=1
Oops rainbow bowls here: https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/melamine-mixing-bowls-set-of-6/
Ooh, nice!. I just ordered. Thanks for the rec.
I have some suggestions in moderation so check back!
They are not fancy but I love my Oxo stainless steel bowls with a rubber bottom that helps keep them in place when in use.
Same. Great for vigorous whisking!
What is there to upgrade (ie, what are you hoping to accomplish by getting new mixing bowls – size? performance? just need extras?)? My mixing bowls are a set of Pyrex that is older than me and a few big stainless steel ones that I picked up at an estate sale.
Since there aren’t any estate sales going on, a restaurant supply, if they’re open is your best bet for a good choice of sizes and things that can take a beating.
Here are the America’s Test Kitchen recommendations:
– Metal – Vollrath Economy Stainless Steel Mixing Bowls (it’s a set of three).
– Glass – Pyrex Smart Essentials Mixing Bowl Set with Colored Lids (also a set of three)
If you want a set of the stainless with lids, then ATK recommends Cuisinart Set of 3 Stainless Steel Mixing Bowls with Lids. I have the two winners and they work great. If you also want prep bowls the set from Anchor Hocking is great as well!
These are my favorite. The lids make them so useful. https://www.target.com/p/pyrex-8pc-smart-essentials-mixing-bowl-set/-/A-10291932
Duralex mixing bowls. If you’re interested in a set, Target’s price was cheaper than Sur La Table when I bought, but Sur La Table also sells them as open stock, so you can buy just the sizes you want.
Does anyone else’s spellcheck on outlook randomly stop working? Do you know how to fix it? I was just typing an email and I wasn’t getting the red squiggly lines under my misspelled words. I decided to finish the email and then manually run spellcheck. It came back with no changes despite tons of clearly misspelled words. What gives? This has happened a few times but then it just starts working on its own again.
1. reboot
2. check to see if there’s a software update for whatever software you’re using
3. contact your IT department, if you have one
4. google the issue and start reading the help threads
#4 should really be #1. I’m not in IT but it bugs me like none other when I see colleagues being completely helpless, we have so much info at our fingertips we need to use it.
Maybe google the “name of your email provider” and “spellcheck.” It probably won’t be the same answer for Gmail vs outlook etc.
Happy Earth Day. This year’s theme is climate action. Hope we can all do something big or small in that vein today.
Did you see Christiana Figueres was taken down from YouTube mid-stream yesterday?!
Wait, what? Why?
Have you ever declined to pursue an opportunity because of distance from your (aging) parents — as a grown nearly 40 year old adult. I live on the east coast 3 hours away from them driving. There are opportunities in my industry that are popping up in Houston due to the downturn in oil and gas. Oil and gas has always been a fascination but I’ve never gotten to work in that space because – east coast. Yet my first thought is — parents. I feel like I’m 22 and mom and dad said I can’t go to Texas; but it isn’t that — it’s me feeling like that’s far from then, they won’t visit more than 1x/yr if that because as they’ve hit their 70s they don’t want to fly as much and this is not even accounting for the fact that none of us are vaccinated for covid. But then part of me is like I’m a grown adult with an opportunity that excites me. I almost feel like this would be easier if I was married because amongst my married friends it’s always — husband and I have decided this is what we want, sorry you’re not happy mom and dad. (It’s not always like this but it seems like it’s 100% a couple decision). Anyone else run into this? How did you resolve it? Any Asian or middle eastern points of view (as we all appear to feel family obligation no matter what ethnicity)?
I’m an Asian-American in my early 40s with aging parents approaching their 70s, and I consider this a non-issue. My parents are adults and have lived on their own for years and are not terminally ill so I’ve never made a decision based on them. Do you have some sort of family obligation arrangement that is making this even a priority? Or ill parents that require long-term medical care that medical professionals can’t take care of or you need to do yourself?
I’m white but DH and I intentionally moved to be near my parents when I was 30 (still a few hundred miles away, but that was as close as we could get, since we had limited job opportunities in their state) and now that we’re settled relatively near them, I can’t envision any circumstances under which we would move away. The older I get the more I care about family. COVID-19 has driven that point home as well. When stay at home orders are lifted, I will be able to see my parents because they can get here safely in their own car, they don’t have to fly or stay in a hotel to visit us.
I’m white and I won’t consider opportunities away from my dad because I love him and enjoy spending time with him.
You don’t say how old you are, but my age / point in my career was a variable in decision making for me.
When I was “young” and in a long medical training path where it was very beneficial for me to follow the very best programs/jobs I could get, I didn’t think for a second about my parents. They were relatively young (late 50’s – early 60’s) when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, working and healthy, so they had busy lives. My parents very much valued us achieving our dreams, and never made my siblings and I feel guilty about leaving…. and we scattered. To be honest, we were not the closest of families and did not grow up with relative close by. This “trained” us to think that children did not go back and visit their parents much (although this was mostly because $$ was tight…) , since we only saw our grandparents once a year as kids. This actually made my parents sadder than they admitted.
But then my parents were both hit with terrible, unexpected medical issues that forced early retirement. I moved back to their area, and have been there since. They could not have survived without help from me now, and one already passed too young. I made huge personal sacrifices to move, but there were job opportunities in my home town. Not “the best ones” that I would have pursued otherwise, but fine. Many (most?) of my high powered women friends think I am crazy for doing what I did. But none of them have had similar situations in their parents lives, so they just don’t know. Part of me does hate that as the “single daughter” I have become the one to sacrifice the most. But honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had not done what I have done.
In your situation, I would probably move to the best opportunities to maximize my career choices. Living 3 hours away from your parents is not…. that close anyway. If they really needed your help, one of you would have to move anyway. If your parents were aging quickly/ill and losing their independence, or with a lot of medical problems, that might change things slightly. But it sounds like at some point you need to have a talk with them about how they see their retirement/goals, with you deciding ahead of time your deal breakers (ie. you can’t move in with me).
As someone who used to live 2,000 miles away from my parents and now lives a ~6 hour drive away, it’s a world of difference. Obviously living 6 hours away isn’t the same as living in the same city, but being able to get there easily in one day with no flying makes visiting much easier. My parents visit us at least every couple of months. When they had to fly to visit, they visited us once or twice a year (my parents are pretty affluent but airplane tickets are a significant expense, plus they dislike flying). And being able to get there quickly in an emergency without buying a horrendously expensive last minute plane ticket is invaluable – I’ve visited them several times in urgent but not life-threatening situations when I couldn’t have justified dropping $2k on the plane ticket. I agree that you can’t be a daily caregiver for someone who lives several hours away, but don’t kid yourself into thinking 2,000 miles and 200 miles are the same. They’re not at all.
OP here — I’m nearly 40 now. I agree with you that when I was in the training phase of my career it was all about best opportunities — it was also because they were in their late 50s/early 60s, I was in my late 20s-early 30s and didn’t worry as much. I don’t view Houston as a permanent thing — more like a 1-3 year thing but IDK it was “easier” to make these decisions when no one was retired etc.
So sorry I missed your age in my initial response.
As you see the Houston opportunity as quite limited, I would definitely go if I was in your position. Your parents are healthy, and this sounds like an interesting career direction for you.
But I admit…. I am not thinking about COVID at all. You will probably not visit them very often when you are away, both for their safety and because you may be busy at work.
How often do you visit them now (and before COVID)?
Also, the chances are very high that YOU will get infected within the next 6 months and be fine, and once you recovery most likely you will be immune. Then you will not be a risk to your parents when you go to visit them.
I’m white, not Asian or Middle Eastern. I live half a continent away from my immediate family. I moved to the east coast from the midwest right out of college, and have basically lived here ever since. I married a guy from here, and my niche market job is here…so this is where we live. While I don’t regret a thing, it IS hard to be so far away – particularly now that my parents are aging more obviously. I have made a couple of very short notice cross country flights to be with them when they get seriously ill, etc.
All of this to say, I don’t think that you should turn down a good opportunity – but I DO think you should be ready to travel to them pretty frequently.
I could have written this, but instead of following a job I really want to go back to a city overseas where I was very happy when I was younger (and where I have extended family and friends and could certainly have found interesting work pre-COVID). And I can’t articulate why, but I feel the same way about single/married decision-making. So here I am, single at 39 and still in the US an easy five hour drive from my parents, working in a good, safe job, and wondering what my life would have been like if I’d pulled the trigger in my mid-thirties or if I had just stayed over there in my 20s instead of coming back for grad school. But now I’m in my late thirties and my parents are getting older and it’s getting even harder to mentally make that move. Would also be interested in hearing from others!
1) What kind of opportunities (industry and longevity) are popping up and what is the comp compared to where you are factoring in COL?
2) Dependent on Q1, are you able to financially pull off seeing them very frequently? When I lived about three hours from parents I’d fly home once a month to visit – albeit on Spirit or Jet Blue. I kept a “weekend” set of clothes at their home so no carry on or checked bab fees was required – all in all I was out about $300 a month on cheap preplanned flights and was totally worth it.
OP here — insolvency/asset sales in oil and gas. These aren’t forever opportunities — it’s 1-3 years. It’s also an industry I’ve always wanted to be involved in, though I am not saying I want to go live in Houston for the rest of my life either. So it’d be a leap of faith that you could do this for 2 years, get some experience, and be able to come back to the east coast. Comp obviously I don’t have exact numbers but COL is lower there than my east coast metro area by a lot.
Number 2 — yes. I do expect professional compensation in the same ballpark as what I make now (if they were to come back with an offer that’s 75% of what I make — fine; if it is 20% of what I make — no), so yes I can afford Houston to Philadelphia tickets every month or two and it would be no problem to leave a lot of clothes at their home so I fly back and forth with a handbag. Though given the new state of the world — covid. Even if you can afford to fly, is it a good idea to fly cross country and stay in the home of your elderly parents after having been on planes/in airports with others? Though I guess that is also a “temporary” problem until there are more treatments, a vaccine etc. As I think about it, I think covid is coloring my thinking more than I realize.
i am late in responding, but non stop flights from Houston to Philly are few, and that was pre-Covid. I have no idea what they are like now. We moved from Philly to Houston for DH’s job and both our families are on the east coast and i really wish we lived driving distance from them bc who knows when it will be safe to fly again
I’m white and refused to live more than 3 hours drive from my mom while she was alive. It was my decision but I knew she would need help in her later years and I didn’t want to be to far away to do that. In the end 3 hours was too far, but close enough that when she suddenly had to be admitted to the hospital, which was often, I could be there same day.
I spent a lot of time working remotely and staying at a hotel near that hospital in her last year of life. I have no regrets.
I’m white and married, and I while it may be easier to justify your decision, making the actual decision is actually not made easier with having to accommodate another person’s wishes! Right now we are in perfect opportunity territory for DH’s skills, even though we initially moved here for my job. I just made a career shift and am more flexible with work now, plus my personal priorities have shifted.
Both our parents are a 15hour flight away, and my BIL is 15 hours the opposite direction. My in-laws can’t decide if they move back to the country where BIL lives, which would put us in the perfect position right here, so maybe we’ll stay here long-term-ish. I would love to be closer to my family, but when we moved, I didn’t realize how much I would miss them.
South Asian here and honestly it’s still personality specific (even though there is generally a stronger cultural norm to stay close). I would be ok with moving away from my parents for a temporary thing (like DH applies to residency programs in cities across the country), but I learned in law school that I am happiest being within a couple hours from them. DH is really fine either way – he likes the big city near the suburb he grew up in so he probably would have stayed there without me, but his first choice residency ended up being in a city about an hour away from my parents and that’s where we live. We do expect that his parents will eventually move in with us when the time comes.
This is what I was going to say – can you just buy a men’s bag? I have a LV tote that was technically from the men’s section that I love. TheRealReal has a ton of options – a few cute ones based on a quick search:
https://www.therealreal.com/products/men/bags/messenger-bags/giorgio-armani-grained-leather-messenger-bag-72g4b?position=111
https://www.therealreal.com/products/men/bags/messenger-bags/tod-s-leather-messenger-bag-7b05j?position=12#!
https://www.therealreal.com/products/men/bags/messenger-bags/smythson-leather-messenger-bag-74k5p?position=119
the even have one from coach, but since you said you don’t like logos, I’m guessing this isn’t the one you’re trying to replace:
https://www.therealreal.com/products/men/bags/messenger-bags/coach-leather-messenger-bag-6xog9?position=1
lol – this is obviously supposed to be nested w/ the messenger bag thread, above.