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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 259 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Karson One-Button Suiting Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Crepe Suit Jacket: Tahari Karson One-Button Suiting JacketOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love these kinds of shrunken blazers — I think they're comfortable, flattering, and easy workhorses for your wardrobe. I like the front vents and straight hem on this one, and the dry clean instruction. Through this morning (8 a.m. CT), it's just $54 at Last Call. Tahari Karson One-Button Suiting Jacket Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Going Going Gone

    I am an in-house attorney. After a disagreement with my boss of several years, he told me that he is revisiting how his team is set up and it’s time for me to transition out of the company. My work will be handled by a yet-to-be-hired non-attorney/support type person. This is for the best, I’ve never been particularly happy. My boss appears to be letting me dictate the timing of my departure and perhaps the nature (I’m not clear on the latter yet). I say ‘appears’ because the details are up in the air and because he has a history of going back on promises made to me. He just reorganized his team effective January 1 and in the process laid someone off. I think this could be seen as a continuation of that – he is reducing the number of attorneys on his team by one. Do I want my departure to be a layoff or a resignation? How long do I want it to drag out? He mentioned being open to me leaving immediately or staying several (he said maybe six) weeks if I wanted the option of looking for a job while I still had a job. Financially it would be nice but not absolutely crucial to have money coming in for a couple more months after which time it doesn’t matter as much due to the nature of my spouse’s income. My spouse has an inflexible but well-paying, stable job. We have very young children. My next job, if there is a next job for me, must be chosen extremely carefully if we are to avoid a situation where our children only see their parents on the weekends.

    Anyone want to help me shape what my ideal departure will look like? And come up with a back up departure plan in case my boss changes his mind on how open he is to me shaping my departure? Anything else I should be considering? I did not expect this and am feeling uncharacteristically unprepared.

    • Meg Murry

      If you were laid off instead of resigning, you would be eligible for unemployment, which isn’t exactly a lot of money compared to a lawyer salary, but it isn’t nothing either. Do you also have another reason that would play along with the “laid off” story – for instance, known tight budgets and you were the one with least seniority?

      I think if you have a choice, laid off due to restructuring and reduction in overall headcount sounds better to me than “resigned without another job lined up because boss and I didn’t get along” unless you plan to spin the resignation as “resigned to take break from the workforce to spend more time with my young children” -YMMV as to how that would play in your field.

      Basically, you also need to make sure he will go along with whatever story you agree upon – if you agree with layoff and then he tells people calling references “yeah, I let her go because of [bad things that basically imply firing]” that will look like you are lying about layoffs.

      I’m sorry this is happening to you and I hope turns into one of those “and it was actually for the best because then I went on to do ….” stories in your near future.

      • Going Going Gone

        Thanks Meg. I don’t if I can trust him with the story, which means I can’t.

      • Ellen

        Yay! Kat, I love this Tahari Karson jacket — it is very cute, but short, and I wish I had the tuchus to wear it. FOOEY!

        As for the OP, this stink’s. I would not trust a manager that did NOT respect me. This make’s me think twice about ever goeing in house, tho I think that if I went in, it would be at a high level where I did NOT have to deal with a crappey manager like yours. DOUBEL FOOEY!

        Ideally, let them lay you off for non-work related reasons, so that you get unemployement. If you resign, you get nothing, and what difference will it make to your next employer–either way you are out of work, but this way, you get a few dollars from unemployment. You can also ask to sign a release which will require CONSIDERATION, meaning money. That may not be much — Myrna’s company gives 3 weeks for every year worked, but ask for that also. Finaly, you should get a written reference from your boss, even if he is a schmoe, so that you can use it at your next job, if you have to work at all.

        You said your husband is working at a good job, so just stay home and take care of the kid’s! That is what I would do, and you can then watch TV, go to lunch and exercise. Then call out for takeout food b/f your husband get’s home so that you can show him what you are up to! YAY!

    • lawsuited

      I think you want it to be a layoff due to shortage of work. That way you don’t have to come up with an answer to “why did you leave the company?” which you will have to do it you resign. As money is not a factor, I’d choose whatever notice period will result in the happiest departure for your boss, seeing as he will be an important reference for you – if he’ll be happier if you leave sooner and aggravated if you hang around and do less-than-awesome work while job searching, then leave sooner; if he’ll be happier to have a longer transition period to smooth the training of the yet-to-be-hired person, then stay longer.

        • lawsuited

          I understand that that’s what he’s saying (probably because he’s trying to look reasonable/sensitive while pushing your out), but based on what you know about him from working with him for several years, what do you think would leave the best taste in his mouth?

          • ArenKay

            I agree with this. Your description of him above makes me think you cannot trust what he says, and should plan so that you can protect yourself.

    • Anonymous

      does your company offer severance? If yes, I vote laid off. Severance >> unemployment in almost all cases.

      My company does severance for everyone ranging from 2 weeks to a year depending on seniority and tenure. I’ve volunteered to be laid off twice now b/c I fall into either 9 months or a year. No takers ;)

    • Wow

      I’m sorry. I had a very similar experience. As soon as I found out that I was on my way out, I aggressively job searched and got 2 offers within a month. So when I left, I told everyone that I left for another job, which was true. No need to talk about getting laid off.

      Of course, this assumes that you’re going to get a job quickly, but it doesn’t hurt to be proactive about it.

      Re: resignation vs. being laid off, I agree that the latter would be easier to explain if you can couch it in terms of not enough work/you were the most junior, etc.

      best of luck.

      • ezt

        Yeah, if it were me, I’d stay there as long as I could while aggressively searching for another job. That way, you can probably get out of having your current boss be a reference, since potential employers are generally understanding that you haven’t advertised to your current employer that you’re looking for a new job. Always easier to find a job when you have a job etc. I totally understand your need to be picky about the next job, but you never know what’ll fall into your lap if you look proactively. (Also, I’m not saying you should plan this way or anything, but since you say you’ve been at your current company several years, it wouldn’t really look all that bad if you went somewhere for about a year and then moved again, if the job you took wasn’t as flexible as you’d like).

    • Dinnie

      If you’re on your company sponsored health insurance plan you may want to stay as long as you can in order to bridge coverage. For example, at some companies your coverage will end on the last day of the month in which you were employed. So if you left on February 1st you would have coverage until February 29th.

    • Anon

      I don’t know how it works in the legal field (as I work in a non-legal profession), but that sounds like you are being fired not being laid off. So I would vote for resigning. Especially as you aren’t being forced to resign right now. As you are not dependent on your income, I think long-term this will be a better move, especially if you want to take some time to find the right position, versus looking for the first available position.

    • Idea

      I understand you’re at least mid-career and possibly very senior, but could you contract or temp for a few months for the money until your husband’s job picks up? If you start talking with a recruiter or placement firm now, they may be able to place you very quickly and as permanent or temp as you’d like.

  3. Anon

    Any recommendations for tight/slim fitting plain wool turtlenecks (for layering under vests and jackets). Inexpensive recommendations are preferred, but I do need to replace some basics and am desperate for some ideas. Thanks!

    • Anon

      If they’re not sold out yet, Gap has fine gauge 100% merino wool crewneck and turtleneck sweaters that I really enjoy. I’ve bought them two seasons in a row and I’m really impressed with the quality. (Comparable to what J.Crew used to be a few years ago.) I’ve gotten them on sale for $25 both years. If you’re between sizes, order down.

      • Amy H.

        +1 for this season’s Gap merino turtleneck sweaters. Already wish I’d bought a couple more in colors that are now sold out.

    • trefoil

      Lord and Taylor has lovely fine gauge merino sweaters. I don’t have any turtlenecks, but I wear the crewneck and cardigan versions under suits. I’m on my second Canadian winter with them and they’re not pilly yet. I got them on sale at The Bay for around $30.

  4. anon

    My direct boss keeps referring to me by the wrong name – he just gets it off by a little bit. (Think Missy instead of Misty.) At first, I gave him a pass for being new, but he has been my supervisor for 16 months. It happened twice yesterday in a meeting with the department head. Sometimes direct boss corrects himself and sometimes he lets it go. It has happened in front of people from other departments as well as vendors. He only has three direct reports, and no one in our department has the name he keeps using to address me.

    This infuriates me. Maybe it shouldn’t, but to me it reads as, “I don’t care enough about [your area] to even bother getting your name right.” What can I do? Or should I just let it go? To add context, he seems to be generally kind of socially awkward, so it’s possible that others just chalk this up to his persona.

    • Cb

      Annoying. My name is unusual for the country I’m in and my name is often mispronounced.

      My boss forgets I double barrelled my name when I got married. She’s known me for C Blue for quite a long time, making the transition to C Blue Goose is hard. She was mortified when I corrected an official document with the right name / email but then did it again! Not sure if I should say something or just double check everything prior to publication.

      Someone introduced me as C Goose Blue today which is also awkward.

      • lawsuited

        Honestly, this is the main reason I kept my maiden name. There was some element of “why the f* would I give up my name if my husband isn’t”, but the main deterrent was definitely having to retrain my professional circle to associate me with married name rather than maiden name.

        • Cb

          I felt pretty similarly, I didn’t care about having the same name, my husband did – whether that was Goose, Blue or Blue Goose. Ultimately, I’m glad we did, it feels like we are part of a team with our family name/mascot.

        • Anonymous

          Meanwhile, I switched to my married name solely for career reasons – I had a strong suspicion that people were often hesitant to call/ interact with me because they didn’t know how to say my “hard” ethnic (actually very easy with a modicum of effort) last name! Based on my experience since taking a nice easy English last name, I was absolutely right. Too bad, since I loved my maiden name and was philosophically not really on board with changing it but hey, I’ve always been a ruthless pragmatist, and such is the world we live in.

    • Scarlett

      I had a colleague who used a nickname version of my name (e.g. calling me Susie instead of Susan). I corrected him each time, right when he’d say it, whether that was on the phone or in a meeting and he stopped after about 3 corrections. I personally wouldn’t let it go for so long without correcting him, but since it’s been over a year, I think you might be better off approaching him privately first, and then just correct him every time it happens after that.

      • OP

        Thanks. My lack of saying anything has been a combination of pass for him being new and lots of names to learn, shock/disbelief and anger that I have to deal with this. I know this has only made it worse, but am resolving to say something.

    • emeralds

      I have an unusual spelling of a semi-common name, and the only people who get it wrong after a few corrections are a**holes. You need to talk to him about it and then just keep correcting him, especially if he’s doing it externally. Clearly you should not have to do any of that, BTW, and my skin definitely crawls every time I have to correct someone who should know better..

      • Anonymous

        My name is a common one. I’ve seen it spelled (most often) in two different ways. The managing partner at my firm misspells my name all. the. time. It happens in response to emails I’ve sent to him (which include my signature block). I corrected him once, but it didn’t stick. I don’t have the backbone to point it out again, but I probably should – it is my name after all.

        • OP

          It’s not a spelling issue, as I’ve never seen him get it wrong in writing. It’s only when spoken. My name is my email address, in my sent field on email, my signature block and I sign emails this way. I don’t get it.

    • BeenThatGuy

      He should not get a pass. Frankly, I think it’s strange that you don’t correct him. Boss or not, stand up for yourself! What in the world could you be afraid of in this situation?

      • Legally Brunette

        +1. I have an unusual name and I keep correcting all.the.time. My kids have unusual names and I correct their teachers as well. Don’t give him a pass.

    • Anonymous

      Give him a way to remember. I have a Kathryn and a Kathleen and I am absolutely guilty of calling them each others names when I am in a rush. I know the difference and always get it right in writing but sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain.

      Kathryn’s last name starts with a Y, so I always use that to remember. And I apologize on the regular.

    • Meg Murry

      Not to be cutesy, but is there some kind of phrase you could teach him to help him remember your name? For instance, a friend recently gave her child a name that isn’t all that common, and I couldn’t remember it until someone else mentioned it as “XYZ – you know, rhymes with __” . Or some other “Misty, like Mists of ___” mnemonic type device?

      Is there something like that you can say to him? “Boss, all my life people have been calling me Missy instead of Misty and it really drives me a little bit crazy. Could you try to remember to call me Misty, like ____ [or rhymes with _____]”

      Although FYI, if this is a accent shift it might be a regional thing – I had a huge long drawn out conversion with a person named Erin who kept telling me I was pronouncing her name “Aaron” like the men’s name. In my regional accent there isn’t a difference between those vowel sounds, so if I concentrated super super hard I could hear a teeeny tiny difference in pronounciation between “Aaron” and “Erin” – but I couldn’t make my mouth do it. Same with “Mary” and “Merry” – may be pronounced differently in New England, but not to my ears/mouth. If it’s something like a added or dropped consonant like your example though, that is definitely worth pushing about.

      • moss

        Aaron and Erin are homophones. Mary and Merry are too. What did she want you to say? “Eeeee-rin”??

        • lsw

          Where I’m from – about 300 miles from where I now live – my name is pronounced differently. People out here literally cannot hear the difference. It doesn’t bother me. (Though when I do hear someone say it the “correct” way, I always say, “You must be from East Coast Town!”) What’s a homophone in one city isn’t necessarily in another. But that’s not a case of mispronouncing, it’s a case of accent, and I just don’t find it worth mentioning.

          • Cb

            This is a constant source of debate in my English/American household. I can’t hear the difference between Mary/Merry, ferry/fairy, and Erin/Aaron.

          • Laura not Lora

            Love this – I’m an east-coaster transplanted to the west coast and almost everyone here (except other transplanted easterners or southerners) pronounces my name “Lora” instead of “Laura”. The east coast pronunciation is more like “Lara” from Dr. Zhivago. My husband finally got it right after I told him not to say my name if he couldn’t say it right. If someone says my name right immediately I immediately know they’re not from the west coast. When someone remarks “Hey, you pronounce it Lara not Lora” I always thank them for noticing. But that’s very rare.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          I had a friend who spent a long time in middle school trying to teach me to say merry/Mary and gem/gym/Jim and pen/pin differently. My Southern english couldn’t handle it. I still can’t say them with any distinction.

          • moss

            I think pen and pin sound different when I say them but for sure here in Kentucky they usually do not sound different when I hear others say them! We had confusion at work when there were two employees named Ken and Kim and their names would be indistinguishable due to regional accents.

        • Anonymous

          Aaron and Erin are not homophones where I live at all. Neither are ten and tin or pen and pin or Mary, marry, and merry!

          • Anonymous

            100% agree – I was completely surprised the first time someone told me that some people think ‘Aaron’ and ‘Erin’ sound the same

        • TBK

          They are absolutely not homophones! Aaron is pronounced like you’re sticking your tongue out for the doctor, kind of toward the back of the mouth, while Erin is just a little “eh” to start, near the front of the mouth. Don’t get me started on merry, Mary, marry — totally, completely different words. But, yeah, I lived in the midwest briefly and everyone said Air-in for both Aaron and Erin and pronounced merry, Mary, and marry all like Mary.

          – A native New Englander

          • Suburban

            +1 and I can’t stand the Pinterest-y puns such as “eat drink and be married.” Merry and Mary and Erin and Aaron all sound different to me.

      • Anonymous

        I have never heard of a pronunciation difference between Aaron/Erin or Mary/Merry and I’ve lived in the midwest, New England and California. What is the difference supposed to be?

        • lsw

          In Philadelphia it would be May-ree vs. Murr-ee. My aunt from NE Philly would also say “Ah-ron” for the man’s name and “Air-in” for the woman’s name.

        • anon

          I grew up on the west coast and they are the same to me. But my father is from New Jersey and pronounces them differently: For Aaron, it’s that short “a” from “Allison” or “cat,” and for Erin, an “eh.” He has different pronunciations for Mary, marry, and merry, too — Mayry, marry has that same “a” from “Allison” or “cat,” and merry is an “eh.” I have a lot of trouble saying that short “a” before the R in Aaron or marry.
          He would get so mad if we said Aaron or Erin in a way that he couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl!

        • Runner 5

          I have a BBC English accent and for me they’re mare-ry / meh-ry and ah-ron/ eh-rin. (Although Merry isn’t really a name here)

          • Anon

            Not English (spent most years on the US East Coast, no regional accent) and i pronounce the words the same as Runner5, except not with a British accent :)

          • moss

            huh. Been/lived all over the USA and never heard Aaron as “Ah-ron”; it’s always been “Air-ron”

          • Anonymous

            Yeah the only Aarons I know who say it Ah-ron are Jewish and pronouncing it closer to the Hebrew pronunciation, rather than English.

          • Runner 5

            I didn’t write out the phonetics particularly well. I mean a like cat rather than ah like car.

      • Anon

        Yes this is absolutely regional. No one should be offended if someone pronounces their name in a regional accent. It’s ridiculous to expect otherwise.

        So if you’re named Mary and someone calls you Marie or Marnie, you can get offended. But if they call you Merry and not Mah-ry because that is their dialect, calm down. No one is trying to insult you.

      • Anon

        Growing up my mom and I used to fight about the pronunciations of Aaron and Erin. To me, they’re exactly the same, to her they’re very different. Oddly enough, both my mother and I have lived our entire lives in the same East Coast city and we both have strong regional/city accents. For us, Mary and marry are pronounced the same, but merry sounds more like Murray.

      • Anonymous

        Wait, so for the people who say “Mary” and “merry” differently, “merry” is pronounced like “Murray” (as in Bill Murray)? That is so, so weird to me!

        • Runner 5

          Not for me. Merry is pronounced like Märry (that will only help German speakers, sorry)/ Meh ry while Murray is Muh ry. Distinct sounds in my accent.

  5. Swimsuit

    Looking for suggestions about where to buy a not-expensive (under 75$ total would be ideal) bikini. I am pear-shaped, small on top with a large bum. My problem with all swimsuits is that my bottom is kind of wide, so most swimsuits don’t provide much coverage – I kind of hang out of the sides. I’m mid-20s and happy with my body (lost 25 lbs since July!), so want something youthful/fun – not boy shorts, swim skirts, etc. Thoughts?

    • emeralds

      I’ve gotten my cutest and most flattering bikinis by going to stores with a wide selection of different brands, and trying on everything they have in the right size and nice colors/prints. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a way to do this other than trying on a f*ckton and just seeing what works best for your individual proportions! I’ve gotten some winners from TJ Maxx, and have had success at department stores (Belk and Nordstrom). If you’re looking for youthful and fun, you should also check out Urban Outfitters, if you’re willing to do a lot of of orders and returns. My favorite bikini top is from there, and I just looked and they still have really cute stuff. Good luck and it’s so awesome to hear that you’re ready to rock your next bikini!

    • Sparrow

      Land’s End sells separate bikini tops and bottoms. It’s been a while since I’ve looked at their swimwear, but I think they have some non boy short, etc options.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I really don’t think Land’s End fits the OP’s youthful/ fun requirement for swimsuits. They’re good for basics and more workhorse type suits, but I don’t find them at all youthful. Their prints and silhouettes look rather dated to me.

      OP, I keep an eye out at Nordstrom and Victoria’s Secret (yup, really. Their underwear is nothing to write home about, but their swimsuits are good quality) for sales. Target also has a decent selection of swimsuits, and I find their quality to be decent for the low price points (and I typically don’t buy any clothes at Target because I haven’t been satisfied with the quality).

      • Anonymous

        I’d do Lands End for the bottoms and VS for the top. I have pieces from both, with some Old Navy and Target mixed in, though LE and VS will be better for non-summer shopping options.

    • Samesies!

      I’m a similar size (very wide hips, narrow waist, smaller upper body). Try buying string bikini bottoms that tie on the side and size up one size. Then you can tie them as loose or tight as you’d like to get the coverage you want. I like Old Navy and Gap string bikini bottoms and have them in probably six different colors at this point. Then I just mix and match with fun tops – I prefer tankinis and have had good luck with Target and VS tops.

    • Anonymous

      Athleta sounds like what you are looking for . . . although a bit higher than your price point, but not super expensive.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in your age range and just ordered about a million (okay, fine, 8) bathing suits to try from Asos. I looked everywhere because I was in a pinch since I have zero bathing suits for my upcoming vacation and it’s winter. After scouring the internet for options, I found that Asos had the best selection (tons of choices) and prices ( I was lucky to stumble upon a sale last week – maybe it’s still on?). Asos offered free shipping and returns. Hoping that 2 or 3 out of the 8 do the job!

      • NYNY

        Haven’t checked lately, but over the summer ASOS had tons of cute high-waisted bikinis. Sexy, kind of retro, and covers a butt better than anything else out there, one-pieces included.

    • Idea

      Are you “Regular” size or “plus” size?
      If “plus” – oh my gosh Gabifresh just released her new swimsuit collection this week and it is SUPER cute!

    • Anon

      Target. I have a big bum, and their XL bikini bottom fits me well. I do not wear Jr. sized clothes, but the Merona swim stuff has done me well. FWIW, my tops are pricey bra tops. I’m well endowed so Target’s tops would not do for me. My guess is small on top would have better luck there than I do.

    • Anon

      J.Crew. They have a nice selection year round. You might spend $80. They sell the tops and bottoms separately, so easy to accommodate your bum. Mine is the same and I find many of their bottoms flattering.

  6. Tokyo!

    I posted here the other day about a possible last-minute trip to Tokyo – I’m definitely going! So excited. Two more questions:

    Weather looks similar to my northeastern-ish East Coast city – anything I need to know about style or best dress practices? Assuming lots of walking.

    Also, any recommendations for a middle-of-the-road (price-wise) restaurant for a nice dinner out?

    I appreciate any input.

    • Scarlett

      It’s dressier overall in look and feel. Almost no jeans, lots of navy, black, camel and cream. Nice wool coats rather than puffers. People wear makeup and “do” their hair. I ended up living in sweater dresses and boots. Interestingly uggs were pretty popular. This was just a couple of months ago.

    • CDA

      For clothing, plan to take your shoes off frequently. This will be the expectation in certain restaurants, dressing rooms, and other places where whatever is on the bottom of shoes is not welcome. So, wear nice/clean socks and maybe skip the shoes that take lots of lacing, etc.

      Otherwise, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, you don’t really need to worry about dressing to fit in. That you are a tourist will be abundantly clear, so just focus on being comfortable. Although I find Tokyo to be a very stylish, tailored city in terms of dress, there is a far greater emphasis on acting in the expected (polite) way than looking a certain way. Be extremely polite and respectful – pass and accept items (menus, money, change, receipts) with two hands, eye contact, and smile – and you will be just fine.

      Tokyo is a wonderful city – have fun!

    • Anonymous

      During my trip in December, I noticed that there seemed to be a huge gap where “middle of the road” prices would be in the States. Think eating dinner for $15 or less or $80 or more. Your middle of the road may be different than mine, though!

    • Tokyonomymous

      During my trip in December, I noticed that there seemed to be a huge gap where “middle of the road” prices would be in the States. Think eating dinner for $15 or less or $80 or more. Your middle of the road may be different than mine, though!

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I was thinking in the $50-$60 range? Is that middle of the road? I think of <$20 as a random weeknight and over $100 as a special occasion.

        • Tokyonomymous

          Yes, anything between $15 and $80 was a struggle for me to find. From what I gathered, that price range is an emerging scene but not an established one. I downloaded the Gurunavi app and scoured every menu we passed. I was strictly a first-time tourist, though, so other commenters more familiar with the Tokyo scene might know a bit more.

          • Anonymous

            This is good to know though! Thanks for sharing your experience. It will be my travel companion’s birthday so I am interested in making him go somewhere nicer than we usually would, even at home. :-)

    • Tokyo!!

      Resident Tokyoite here. Echoing what others have said about clothes. In a business context, dress more formally. Out and about in the city, just wear whatever as long as it isn’t grungy athleisure.

      For restaurants, there are lots in the mid range, but few with English menus and service. Where are you staying? What do you want to eat?

    • In-House Europe

      This is late but as someone who lived in Japan for 3+ years, I wanted to add the main thing that I saw as problematic in the way that non-Japanese women dress when visiting Japan – cleavage. Exposing anything below your collarbone (yes, seriously) is seen as inappropriate in the way that wearing a mini-skirt would be here. So those BR shirts that have the low first button? No go. Or silk tops that go a little lower so that you could wear a necklace? Nope. It is more of a problem in the summer (don’t even get me started on spaghetti straps!), but even in winter it is something to be aware of.

      How I tend to explain it – the chest area is eroticized (sp?) in Japan the same way the upper legs are in Western culture. You could totally wear a short skirt in Japan – even REALLY short – without it being inappropriate, but any hint of cleavage? You are asking for some uncomfortable male colleagues.

      I’ll get off my soap box now… :)

  7. dc anon

    Suggestions for OBs or midwife practices in DC? Opinions about delivering at various DC-area hospitals? Right now looking at GW and Washington Hospital, thinking Georgetown is out (is it actually a Catholic hospital with the MedStar affiliation–per other discussions on this topic, I would avoid a Catholic hospital), but open to hearing about any of these and others.

    • Anonymous

      Dr. Joan Loveland. 1145 19th Street NW. I think she has privileges at Sibley.

    • TBK

      DC only, or are you open to NoVA? I go to Arlington Women’s Center and delivered at Virginia Hospital Center and I highly recommend them. Drs. Rohn and Crowther are both excellent.

      • dc anon

        DC preferred, I think. I will look and see how long it would take us to get there, though. Thanks!

      • Anonymous

        I see Dr. Elizabeth Garreau in Fairfax and she is AWESOME but Fairfax can be quite a hike from DC.

    • Anonymous

      I delivered with the GW midwives late last year. we were very happy with our prenatal care and birth experience, but do be aware that they have strict nutrition and exercise guidelines and expect you to commit to a natural birth. They are very low-intervention as well. Happy to answer any other questions you have about them; I’d also recommend attending their Meet the Midwives session, which they hold monthly.

      • dc anon

        I am interested in the WHC midwives because they seem to be less strict and ok if you end up wanting an epi. They also offer gas for pain management. As someone who’s never given birth before, I’m not willing to commit to natural birth before seeing what things are like.

        • Anonymous

          Makes sense! I’d cross the GW midwives off your list then. But maybe still consider the OBs; from what I’ve heard, they are relatively low intervention and in tune with the midwife ways. I found the nurses at GW to be awesome (they were actually the ones with us during most of the delivery). It was also nice to be so close to food options in hours/days following delivery :)

          • dc anon

            Thanks for that. And the food options at GW are definitely appealing. I think I will try to meet an OB there and see how it goes.

    • CapHillAnon

      Following with interest! Trying to figure out where to delivery my third baby right now. On advice of a friend (a dr who delivered her babies there), I’m attending the Meet the Midwives over at Wash Hosp Center tonight and have arranged to go to the GWU midwife one next month. My first 2 were delivered at Alexandria Inova (would not recommend) and at home (which was fine, but not what I’m looking for this time around). Everyone has such different perspectives, experiences, and expectations on this topic, though–it takes some effort to figure out what feels right to you. (Or at least that’s been MY personal experience!)

    • Anonymous

      Related question…For those in the DC area, how close do you need to be to a hospital (distance wise) when it comes time for delivery? GW is about 30 mins away without traffic, but who knows what traffic could be like. Should I go with INOVA if it is MUCH closer (think falls church area). Would prefer to do GW midwives when time comes (nutrition and exercise shouldn’t be an issue).

      • Anonymous

        Former GW patient from above here. We are about 15 mins from GW without traffic. It sounds like you’ll be a first time mom? If so, your labor will *probably* be slow enough that 30 minutes is fine. There are exceptions of course, but first babies rarely just shoot right out. We ended up leaving our home in Arlington for GW at 8 am on a weekday which we thought would be horrible but wasn’t too bad– took about 20 minutes. Your labor will probably be long enough you can consider rush hour when planning your departure time.

        Is GW convenient for you for appointments, though? Do you work nearby? I don’t know that I would have wanted that drive for every prenatal, especially at the end when you’re going twice a week.

        • Anonymous

          Yes work very close, whereas Inova would be a pain for appointments. Plus I currently go to the OBGYN at GW.

      • CapHillAnon

        Great question. The convenience of prenatal appointment is important, but so is minimizing car time when you’re in labor, how your labor is going, how long the contractions are apart, etc. I have several friends in my neighborhood who didn’t mind the 40-minute drive to Sibley when they were in labor–for me, the 20 minute drive to Inova Alexandria when I was in labor with my first was excruciating. I could feel every crack in the road, sitting in a reclined seat seemed like the most painful way to get through a contraction–I kept begging my husband to pull over. My contractions were maybe 8-10 minutes apart, and I still had many hours to go (23, to be exact). I have a high pain threshold, and managed the rest of the labor ok, but I just found the drive itself to be awful. Truly, though, everyone experiences it differently, and I think (hope) that I’m in the minority.

  8. Handyman protocol

    Hi hive, we recently bought a house and needed some drywall work done. The handyman is here today and it’s going to take 4-5 hours to finish the work. Sorry for the hopelessly naïve questions but don’t know the right protocol here. We a bought a set of 4 hours’ worth of work from Angie’s List (so basically fixed price for 4 hours).

    1) If he stays until 1/2, do I give him a break for lunch? Do I pay him $20 or something for lunch?
    2) Do you generally tip handymen/other home service providers?

    TIA!

    • Bewitched

      Let him do the work and ask him at the end if there is a balance due. He’s a professional, so he’ll decide on his own lunch. Your only real question is whether what you bought covers the amount of time needed for your job, and he’d be glad to tell you that. I don’t tip handymen but pay promptly and am flexible in my scheduling.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t offer him or pay him for lunch, but I’d offer bottled water or iced tea if I had it. And I don’t typically tip handymen unless they do something exceptional.

    • Walnut

      For what it’s worth, when my handyman does drywall work, I also have him paint or do touch ups in other spaces at the same time. There’s usually drying time involved in drywall work and my guy likes to have other tasks queued up to keep busy.

      I don’t tip, but do pay promptly. My guy is worth 2x his fee, so I do whatever to keep him happy.

  9. AN

    Lands End swimsuit question:

    anyone know if the tugless tank runs long in the torso? I got a size 8 a year ago which is now loose as I lost weight, but even when I got it, I felt that it was overlong for my torso. I live outside the U.S. Returning it was a pain so didn’t bother.

    Now that I need a new suit, thought I’d ask the hive.

    I am 5″4, U.S. Size 10 in most sizes but need to size down in Lands End.

    • Anonymous

      Based on my experience with LE, I expect everything to run short, not long, unless you specifically get a Tall. I have no experience with the tank suit, so I’m no help there.

      Their customer service would probably be the most help. Measure the suit you have now and ask what the measurements of the current garment are.

  10. Dog trouble

    I have a wonderful, well-trained dog. She is five, a 100lb purebred. She’s incredibly sweet to people, laid back, and lazy (though she once fought off burglars in my apartment!). She walks well, is great off leash, sits when told, etc. She’s happy and well-adjusted and just about the best thing in my life.

    The problem? Chewing. She is a “vacuum cleaner” type dog and will get into anything left within her reach (a large range, since she is as tall as my chest). She not only chews stuff, but eats and often swallows it whole. Socks, towels, entire Tupperware containers. This has been a problem since she was a puppy and the only solution I’ve ever found is to just be sure nothing is ever left within her reach. But it is hard to be 100% perfect at that all the time.

    All of the online advice says this means she is bored and not getting enough exercise. I am out of the house for work 4 days a week, about 9 hours. On those days she gets a long morning walk, a 45-minute walk/snuggle midday with a dogwalker, and a nice evening walk. She has toys and free range of about 700 sq feet. She is really lazy (common for her breed) – often you have to force her to walk or run around. She just wants to sleep all day. I really don’t think it’s a matter of more exercise.

    When I am crazy vigilant about a perfect house, she is fine. But in the past week, she has eaten an entire pair of pantyhose and the cloth cover off a heating bad. Luckily both were thrown up/passed. She had had an intestinal blockage before and this seriously will kill her someday.

    Any advice? The idea of crating my huge dog all day breaks my heart. There is no doggy daycare near my apartment (and when she has done doggy daycare in the past, she just sleeps all day – seems like a waste!) I have tried a hex-pen, but she jumps out. The web says not to muzzle dogs when they’re alone. I am really at my wits end on this.

    • Bewitched

      I’d talk to my vet. FYI, my smaller dog is in a crate all day and is fine with it. As you state above, they sleep all day so many dogs are happy to sleep in the crate. It’s the owners who feel guilty.

    • mascot

      Crating isn’t cruel. You need to protect your dog from herself. Tough love here, but what’s more heartbreaking- a fatal intestinal obstruction or a short term adjustment for the dog? If she’s getting enough exercise and likes to spend her time sleeping, then she’ll sleep in her crate.

      • Anonymous

        +1. This isn’t just “she’s destroying my expensive shoes.” She’s actually a danger to herself when left loose. Crating her for her safety isn’t cruel.

      • banana

        The first time we first crated our 50lb dog my husband and I had a huge conversation about how guilty we felt. The dog just went to sleep and didn’t seem to care. (We were crating her because we had just gotten her from the shelter and she was having some house-breaking/ behavior issues we wanted to address.) Now she loves it! It’s her safe space that she’ll go into voluntarily to sleep or if we have a party.

    • Anon

      We also have large dogs and have had various large-breed fosters and have had issues with counter surfing. We mostly go with the containment route. Is there a room you could put the dog in when you are gone (laundry room, bathroom, unfinished basement, etc.) so that you only have to contain that single room? When our youngest was going through a major chewing phase we put him in our unfinished basement when we were gone. Also, you could try investing in some chew toys, bones, or kongs to help keep her engaged/entertained/distracted from your other stuff.

      We crate all of our fosters while we are out of the house (usually for no longer than 8 hours a day with a midday break of about an hour) and overnight until we can gauge their temperament and know we can trust them in the house. Especially if your dog sleeps all day, she probably wouldn’t mind it. A lot of dogs grow to love their crate, as they view it as a safe place.

      • CHS

        We do this as well for our large dog. Occasionally she “earns” the right to the whole house, but once she has an incident goes back into a bedroom that we carefully pick up and keep clear of things she could nibble on. In the bedroom she has access to a window (at her level), a human bed, her dog bed, toys, and a water bowl. If there’s construction or a lot of packages are expected to be delivered (prompting the dreaded doorbell), we leave a fan or white noise machine on for her. She seems fine in there, since that’s where she spends most of her time anyway. And we’ve never had a crate for her, so the bedroom is the smallest space she gets allocated.

      • Walnut

        I also have a counter-surfing, lazy, giant breed doc and contain. We used a kennel for awhile and eventually moved to letting the dog have it’s own room where he hangs out during the day.

        When free roam is granted, absolutely everything in the house that could be consumed is behind a door. The last slip up to this resulted in brown sugar spread across every square foot of our house.

    • Anon

      My dog is crated during the day and she actually goes in her crate and takes naps when I’m home.

      • Opal

        Does anyone take her out for a walk midday? Or, truly, crate 100% of time you’re at work during the day? Having this debate right now at home!

    • Meg March

      Sounds to me like she’s bored. She doesn’t need more physical exercise, she needs mental exercise! There are dog “puzzles” you can get that have a compartment where you can put a treat– either of the food variety or a favorite toy, depending on whether she’s food motivated.

      Crating is totally fine, though, especially since you have someone who comes mid-day. Humans see it like a cage, but dogs (once crate trained) see it as a den.

      • BigDog

        I agree! My Lab loved those dog puzzles. I agree that crating can be wonderful for dogs, but would caution you to go slowly. It’s a big adjustment for older dogs that have never been crated. I think there is lots of literature on how to introduce the crate kindly so that the dog does view it as a safe place, but it’s a gradual adjustment (or it feels punitive if done quickly to an older dog). It’s definitely a different kind of training than for young puppies who start with a crate.

        For reference, we rescued an older (abused) dog who couldn’t handle even the most gentle of crate training. She chewed her paws until they bled if the crate was even in the room. Obviously, this won’t be your situation b/c our girl obviously had some kind of trauma associated with the crate, but I just remember that we did a lot of research on how to introduce an older dog to the crate. It was clear that it wouldn’t be as quick as with a puppy, and doing it kindly and slowly was very important.

      • KT

        This! We are the champions of puzzles.

        We give my pup a Kong–we fill it with some of her breakfast kibble, pour water threw it, dab a little peanut butter at the opening, then freeze it overnight. It takes her a while to eat and bounce the kibble all out, so that keeps her occupied.

        Himalayan chews and bully sticks are also great to keep a mouthy dog busy chewy–usually they tire themselves out chewing those they pass out.

        We also have a puzzle wobbler–we pour a cup of kibble in, and she smacks it with her nose/paws until all of it is out. It takes her an hour or two to get it all, then she naps.

    • Silver

      Not a fan of crating. I would defo reconsider doggy daycare as well as getting a trainer/vet to help help identify the cause/train out some of these behaviors. The chewing/eating non-food obsession could be due to separation anxiety, insufficient stimulation or maybe she needs more “challenging” (but safe and edible) things to chew? Could she be chewing to relieve bothersome gums?

      • mascot

        I do agree that you should talk to you vet to rule out a medical underlying cause.

        • Anonymous

          I tend to agree. I have a middle age counter surfer, but only food or things that could or have contained food. Or somethign in the way of getting to said food (like emptying/ripping apart a tote bag and 3 diapers to get to the cheese stick at the bottom).

          At 5, even a large dog like a lab or newf that is typically prone to chewing should be over the eating socks/random cr@p phase. what does the vet say? have you tried more exercise (mental or physical)?

          When my stuff-surfer was younger we did lots of food puzzles and treats. I also have gotten into the habit of putting the dog’s food out in the yard to sniff around for and eat. If your dog is lazy, this won’t work and the food will just sit to be eaten by squirrels but it kept mine busy for a solid 15 minutes.

          • Anon

            Ha, I wish that were true for our 8 yr old lab. Still loves socks, particularly the baby now toddler socks.

    • Melissa

      +1 for crate training. It isn’t cruel if introduced correctly (not as punishment, and the proper size crate). Your dog will be happier and safer.

      If your dog only chews when you aren’t home, you may want to look into separation anxiety training.

    • lost academic

      What about just one room of your apartment? You’ve got to come up with a solution here and it’s going to end up being a reduced amount of space – if she’s as lazy as you say, is the crating anxiety all in your head and realistically she doesn’t care?

      You’ve said as much – if this keeps on going it’ll kill her. You know it, and you have control over it.

    • PinkKeyboard

      Our 1 year old giant (120 lb) dog is crated during the day and overnight and he will still go in there and nap when we are home and he is free. Our old dog (15 years old) will also climb in his crate to sleep even though she hasn’t been crated in at least 8 years (I guess she misses her crate?). So they legitimately like their crates if you introduce them properly. Ours is generally well behaved, but at 120 lbs a slip up could be an entire sectional, so we try to be cautious.

    • Rebecca

      Not much advice but just commiserating! Our 60lb Sheprador has been eating things. We had to start keeping the kitchen trash can in the laundry room (at least when we’re out) because she gets into the trash and even chewed the trash can lid! This morning she threw up something she’d eaten and we don’t have a clue what it was. Thankfully she ate her breakfast and used the bathroom normally.

      We don’t crate during the day (she’s fine with being in the crate at night, but otherwise tears up her crate mat). We are diligent about not leaving things out that she might chew/eat (though with the height of your dog, sounds like there is only so much you can do), make sure she has hooves and bones to chew on and one of us comes home at lunch to take her out. She gets a run or long walk every morning, plus we do doggy day care once a week or so for extra exercise.

      I don’t think crating would be terrible in your case. Like others have said, you’re protecting her from herself, not just protecting your stuff. Or could you have a dog-proofed room that she stays in during the day? Assuming she’ll still have a mid-day visit from the dog walker, she should still be getting plenty of exercise.

      It probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to your vet and/or a trainer to see if they have any other suggestions. Good luck!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Especially with the dog walker coming mid-day, I don’t think crating would be cruel at all, although I understand (and empathize with) your reluctance. Alternatively, if you don’t want to crate, you really do need to figure out how to confine her to a small-ish space that is always 100% dog-proof – maybe close her in the bathroom during the day? You might have to remove the TP and rugs/mats/towels, but that’s a lot less to keep track of on a day-to-day basis than trying to chew-proof your entire house every single morning. Or, if you have any kind of alcove or entry-way or even a hallway you can close off, that could work too (nothing to chew in the hallway – unless she chews walls/floors! – so that could work well).

      FWIW, I grew up with a shepherd/Husky mix, and he demolished everything he could get his mouth on for his entire 13 years on Earth – my mom used to contain him in a small alcove off of our kitchen whenever we weren’t home, and he seemed to do fine with being contained.

  11. Runner 5

    I finally read the Paul, Weiss brief. It broke my heart that women in the US (and Ireland etc) are still having to fight this fight. If you contributed, thank you so much.

    • Legally Brunette

      I read it as well and was deeply moved. Thanks to the woman in this community who signed on and shared her story (you rock!!) and everyone else who had the courage to sign on as well.

    • Confused

      I’ve seen this discussed over the last few days but still don’t know what the issue is. Can someone clue me in?

      • Runner 5

        It’s to do with abortion rights – I believe Texas is eroding them bit by bit and leaving almost nothing left.

      • Anonymous

        Here’s the link. It’s a wonderful, chilling, uplifting, devastating read. It succeeds so entirely in putting a human face on the pro-choice side of the issue and in rebutting Kennedy’s random statements in Gonzalez that “it seems unexceptionable to conclude some women come to regret their choice to abort the infant life they once created and sustained. Severe depression and loss of esteem can follow.” Maybe, Justice Kennedy (although you should consider finding a source that supports that?), but here’s the flipside:
        http://www.reproductiverights.org/sites/crr.civicactions.net/files/documents/Janice%20Macavoy%20Paul%20Weiss.pdf

      • professional affiliation

        It’s an amicus brief drafted by the Paul Weiss firm on behalf of women attorneys who had abortions. The case has to do with 2013 abortion restrictions that have shut down a large number of abortion clinics in Texas. This is the first time women’s stories have been included in amicus briefs. There are several other amazing and moving briefs utilizing brave women’s stories and a peak at their lives.

        as an aside, thank you to everyone who has said that they read and left kind words. I am friends with several of the other women who signed on, and I have tried to do my best to share your appreciation with them as well.

    • Anonanon

      My best friend from college works at Paul, Weiss but I don’t know if she was involved in this brief. Now I’ll go read it!

  12. Anonymous

    Parka question:

    Ok, this is totally weird, but I need to ask as I live in a warm climate and have no experience with parkas. We plan to go skiing for the first time and I need to buy my kids warm clothes.

    1. Is this ok?
    http://www.landsend.com/pp/StylePage-456787_AG.html?CM_MERCH=REC-_-FPPP-_-GGT-_-3-_-456787-_-460604

    Of course, I will buy hats, gloves, and more layers.

    2. What’s the difference between boy/ girl parka apart from the colour?

    3. What do you guys dress your kids in, to play in snow or to ski?

    Thanks a lot.

    • Anon

      Yes that would be fine. They don’t actually need a parka, just an insulated, water-resistant coat. There is no difference between boy/girl coats, except possibly the color. I would suggest you also buy your kids snow pants and water proof snow boots. You will want to make sure the gloves are also water proof if they are actually going to be playing in/touching the snow.

      • ArenKay

        Agree that there’s no difference other than color in boys’ and girls’ clothes. While Anon is right that you dont’t need a parka per se, merely waterproof outer layers, I’ll say that kids can get cold sooner than adults can, and whiny kids can mean no fun for anyone on a costly ski trip. Parka’s a good ide?

        Basic snow/ski clothes rule; cotton= cold. Have kids wear polyester layers all the way down. My kids wear polyester long johns (top and bottom), a thick fleece sweater, then waterproof ski pants and parkas. Polyester hiking socks or long wool socks. Waterproof gloves are crucial; hands get cold fast. No need for a hat if kids are helmeted, as they should be; helmets will keep their heads warm. If the day is going to be super cold or not sunny, kids will sometimes have a third bottom layer (fleece pants between long johns and ski pants). But that is pretty rare for us.
        Pick up a package of handwarmers; they can be lifesavers with kids. And don’t forget sunscreen. have fun!

      • Meg Murry

        +1 to all this. Girls coats sometimes have some frills or “feminine shaping” like princess seams, but for the youngest kids it doesn’t matter. It looks like all of the “boys” styles are also available in “girls” colors but there are a handful of “girls” styles that don’t have an equivalent boys style.

        Generally parka = long enough to cover the butt, while coat or jacket is waist-hit length. Parkas are warmer for standing around in the cold, but if too long it may be difficult to ski in.

        You don’t need to spend a ton of money on one super warm coat/jacket/parka, you may be better off buying multiple layers (or using some of the layers you already have) so that you could reuse them as fall/winter jackets in your warm climate, or you might be able to use the pieces of a 3 in 1 type in your climate. The key is that the outer layer is waterproof and the inner layer is warm (like fleece).

        What you linked to would work, but since it’s down it will be super puffy and take up a lot of room in luggage. I’d say anything (boys or girls) in the “warmer” category would be fine (or 2 layers of things from the “warm” category) – the “warmest” will be overkill for skiing. If possible, go for “waterproof” over “water resistant” – especially for snowpants and boots.

        http://www.landsend.com/shop/girls-outerwear/-/N-g16Zfl7?cm_re=nav-_-outerwear-_-catagories-_-girls – just the checkboxes on the left to chose “warmest” and you can play around with “waterproof”

        Bib overall style snowpants stay up better and are warmer but mean you have to take off coat to use the bathroom.

        At this time of year, these coats are on clearance – so more/lress expensive doesn’t necessarily correlate to higher/lower quality, sometimes it just means unpopular color combo.

    • Anonymous

      I would avoid down for skiing, even with a water-resistant shell. Kids fall down a lot while learning to ski, and depending upon where you are going they may get sprayed with water from snowmaking. Wet down does not insulate. Fake down or Thinsulate is better.

    • Anonymous

      Mittens instead of gloves for smaller kids. Waterproof gloves are big and stiff for tiny fingers, and fingers stay warmer when they are all together inside a mitten.

  13. Shopaholic

    How’s everyone doing with their shopping moratoriums? It’s been two weeks on mine and even though I still online browse a lot, I’ve managed to resist (which I realize doesn’t sound like a huge accomplishment but one step at a time!) I have approximately 6 weeks to go and I think I’m going to extend it to kitchen stuff/accessories/books etc. because I’ve noticed that I’m shifting my browsing to those areas

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m not on a shipping moratorium exactly but I decided to separate clothing out as a line item on my budget this year. I’m giving myself $100/month, which can work out to be 1-2 pieces per month on sale or I can save and buy a bit more in a later month.

      I’m totally on budget so far. My goal this month was to save for March. I’ve started losing weight so I figure I’ll need to replace 2 pencil skirts and possibly some tips in March if I stay on track. I’ve only bought a pair of tights this month to replace a pair that ripped and have no other purchases in mind right now. Im calling this a successful month so far.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I have however started a Nordstrom wish list of clothes I love in a variety of smaller sizes. It’s been motivating and also satisfies some of that shopping desire. Plus, I figure if I still love it months from now when it will hopefully fit that it will be a good purchase. I used to not allow myself to buy an item unless I was still thinking about it several days later. This is hopefully going to work in a similar way.

        • Meg Murry

          Yes, I’ve filled a couple of shopping carts and then left them to think it over and decided I didn’t really want it that badly, whereas in the past I would have hit purchase thinking “I can return it with no penalty, I’ll just order it” – and then I don’t return as much as a thought I would, but I don’t wind up with things I really love either, just things that are “ok” or were “a good deal for what they are”

          My goal right now is to thoroughly purge my closet and get rid of things I really feel “meh” about or just don’t fit, and hopefully if I lose some weight I can justify new items for my new size, since I’ve never found I actually like items again once they fit again – they never are as great as I remembered them.

    • moss

      I’m trying to be more mindful of my purchases, like putting them in a spreadsheet so I can mull it over before I pull the trigger. I am doing okay but had 2 impulse buys so that’s not great. I’m trying to get better and it’s a process.

    • Ems

      Broke it last week for a tweed blazer in my favorite color (that fit off the rack without tailoring and on steep discount) and a new stripe Tshirt to replace some of my rattier t shirts. D’oh.

      It has made me more mindful about other things though–some of the things posted on this site this week have been spot on my style (hello Chanel wool purple suit) except that either the sizing or material isn’t quite right so I haven’t pulled the trigger. I call that successful.

    • Anonymous

      I’m trying for a year long moratorium on clothing / accessories / unnecessary purchases (with the exception of absolute necessities – ie, my one pair of running shoes wears through). It’s helpful to think of larger financial goals. I also track outfits so I get a bit of a kick wearing things and seeing my cost per wear decrease.

    • New Tampanian

      I bought a self inking stamp for return address – but through groupon – so doesn’t count, right? And I’ve learned I need to purchase new face lotion per my derm so that doesn’t count, right? Otherwise, besides some powerball tickets I’m good! (see also: I suck at this)

  14. ANON

    Any experience with collecting long-term disability benefits from AIG under your employer’s group policy? How long did it actually take to get the claim approved?

  15. Purse Color Advice

    My wardrobe is mostly darker neutrals – lots of black, gray, navy – and I already have a small black crossbody that I love and use most of the time. But I also have a some lighter or brighter pieces – whites, pinks, greens – and when I’m wearing them together without a darker neutral (so, say white jeans and a pink blouse), the black bag is too harsh. So I’m on the hunt for another small crossbody (wallet, keys, phone) in a “softer” color so I have a purse to coordinate with those lighter colored outfits. Ideas on a color that will give me a lot of versatility? I thought of a metallic, but many of those look cheap/garish to my eye. That said, if anyone knows of a unicorn bag in a luxe, soft gold or similar, let me know!

  16. Anon

    Anyone work in regulatory services at a major investment bank? I’m a third year corporate associate and I have an interview next week. Wondering about hours and culture. Any insights appreciated.

    • buffybot

      Hi — Do you mean you’d be in the legal group, but providing regulatory advice? Or in compliance, or some kind of strategic group?
      I work for the legal group of a large investment bank and provide regulatory advice to the business. I think the culture will depend on your role and the bank in question, honestly. GS differs from BofA differs from DB, etc. Compliance can be very different from legal – there’s increased emphasis on processes and procedures, lots of excel spreadsheets coded green-amber-red, process testing, etc. Project management can be a big part of your role.

      Generally, it’s also worth knowing that big banks are very different from law firms in that (in my experience, anyway), the structures are much more complex, so the politics are very complicated. As a corporate attorney, you probably had one contact at “the client” and didn’t appreciate all the competing stakeholders behind the scenes.

      This is somewhat unsolicited, but depending on the nature of the role that you are interviewing for, I think it will be important for you to highlight project management and organizational skills and the ability to distill very complicated regulations into something that is NOT “legalese.”

      As for hours, most people who are in-house at banks tend to work 8/9ish to 6/7ish, in my experience. Occasional call for later nights or weekend work, but it’s not that common. In regulatory services, if you’re working on a big deliverable like a report to a regulator, crazy hours may be more expected.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you buffybot! This is very helpful and gives me ideas for questions I should ask to make sure I understand the position.

  17. I'm so vain

    It looks like I have a fine line between my eyebrows, and I’m only 27! I already use Retin-A at night and a vitamin c serum during the day. any other suggestions? I’m not open to botox or anything that invasive, but I really, really am not ready to have skin aging issues. I still have acne! ugh.

    • CHI JD

      I’m in my early 30’s and am not ready for botox just yet, but started getting micropeels at a medispa every other month has really helped the overall appearance of my skin (reduces signs of photoaging, fine lines, wrinkles, dullness and visible skin imperfections). It is comparable to the cost of a facial at a regular spa (maybe $15-25 more), but I feel it is so much more effective for my skin. I also was suffering from some minor acne and it has helped to keep my skin clear.

    • lawsuited

      I am 29 and have the same line between my eyebrows. I obviously spend too much time wearing an exaggerated expression of shock when reading correspondence from opposing counsel! No advice, just commiseration. It’s the only “wrinkle” on my almost 30-year-old face, so I’ve decided to be happy with that.

    • CountC

      I’m interested in responses because the only thing that has worked for me is Botox.

    • Anonymous

      Welcome to your late 20s! There’s a reason that Taylor Swift parody “32” said “Wrinkles and acne at the same time….”

      • Lady

        Doesn’t change at 42. Although I have more money for botox, lasers, and fancy face creams now.

    • APC

      I know you said not botox, but I will tell you what my dermatologist told me when I complained about forehead lines at 29 – it’s not just that the botox fixes that problem, but because it plumps up the wrinkle, the wrinkle will be less deep over time. it will take more time to become worse, if that makes sense. That being said I still didn’t take the plunge, but if it really bothers you that may be an additional consideration for botox.

  18. Anonymous

    Do any of you have a Peloton cycle? If so, would you mind to tell me a bit about your experience?

  19. Dating

    I need dating advice. I got amicably divorced a year ago and have been seeing someone seriously for 4 months now. He’s only been divorced for 4 months (something I didn’t know until 3 weeks ago; from the way he had been speaking, I thought it was longer) and his divorce wasn’t good.

    We’ve been together long enough that I’m beginning to see baggage he still needs to deal with. I’m wondering if he’s ready for a relationship right now. When is it worth sticking around? How have others of you in this situation made this call? I’ve almost thought of telling him to take some time and come find me later if he’s still interested. Right now, my needs aren’t being met – my love languages are words of affirmation and touch, and I get none of the first and very little of the second from him. But we really enjoy each other’s company, have a great deal in common, and have discussed a future together…but I don’t know how I feel about that right now.

    I guess maybe we just need to have a mature conversation. What would you say in that conversation?

    I’d love to hear your own stories of dating divorced men, so I have a frame of reference to work from.

    • moss

      You sound like you’re his rebound. It’s not worth sticking around in this case.

      • anon

        +1

        It’s surprising to me that you only found out now, 4 months in, about how recently he was divorced. I would have thought that would be one of the first things to come up in a dating situation. Seems shady to me.

    • Anonymous

      Girl dump him! He has baggage to deal with and your needs aren’t being met. End of story.

      If this were just fun we go on dates and enjoy each other sure but you’re talking about a future so obvi you’re not doing this casually.

    • anon

      “We’ve been together long enough that I’m beginning to see baggage he still needs to deal with. I’m wondering if he’s ready for a relationship right now. ”

      RUN.

      I dated a man who got out of a 7 year relationship, no marriage/kids but they still owned a house together that it took them a while to sell.

      Their relationship ended 6 months before our started. I thought based on how everything was going that while he probably wasn’t totally moved on as I was after my last relationship that ended like, 3 years ago, he was still ready to date. I think he really wanted to be ready to date, too. Everything was great between us- trips together, spent most of our time together, met his parents, met friends, coworkers, et al. But around 3-4 months, he started to cracke. Showed me how much baggage he was still carrying around. He was utterly not ready to move on. It was a shame- after 4 months of dating he dumped me out of the blue, with no warning, freaking out that his break up with his ex “was the hardest thing he’s ever gone through” and he felt like “he couldn’t talk to me about the issues with his ex, she was still jealous, manipulative, he doesn’t know what he wants from a relationship after being screwed by her, blah, blah” And that that was somehow a flaw in our relationship. Um, what? I gave him a chance, it didn’t work out, sorta wished I didn’t waste my time/ emotional investment. I’m glad I got the opportunity to get to know him, but I regret that we dated at the time we did.

      I think this is key- as much as he WANTS to be ready to date again, he’s probably just NOT. Apparently he was not single at all after the divorce!! He’ll say that he’s ready to you until he’s blue in the face, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll be able to show up like you need him to in your relationship.

      “right now, my needs aren’t being met – my love languages are words of affirmation and touch, and I get none of the first and very little of the second from him”

      Dump him.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think if he doesn’t speak your love languages, that’s probably a deal breaker. It would be for me, I think. And I’m not really sure whether that’s a function of divorce baggage or just general incompatibility.

    • emeralds

      I haven’t been in exactly your situation, but am still going to share my experience. My boyfriend wasn’t quiiiiite married when he broke up with his fiancee, but they were under two months away and had been together for six years at that point, so there was a lot of shared history and baggage there. We started dating (this makes me cringe!) 2-3 months after they broke up. This sounds awful but I’m glad he was a little cagey on the timing when we first talked about it, because I would probably have fled for the hills if I’d known the exact date. We’re still together 1.5 years later. He says he didn’t feel that ready to date, but had moved to a new city where he didn’t know anyone, so wanted to at least get out there and meet people. We matched online and hit it off, and he realized how much he liked me and did the work he needed to do in order to get to a place where we could be healthy and stable together. I mean, I can’t predict our future together, but I think when you meet the right person, you are willing to put in the work to make it happen.

      I do see the love languages mismatch as a separate thing, though, and a different conversation. I will respectfully disagree with the posters who say to break up if your languages don’t match…unless you’ve had explicit conversations with him about what yours are, and he isn’t meeting them. Some people can tweak things and it turns out fine; other people are not willing to make the effort, or able to make the accommodations. Non-romantic example, but my mom’s love language is 200% acts of service. I appreciate them but that’s just not how I naturally express affection…but because I know how much it matters to my mom I try to anticipate the things that would make her feel loved and valued. Romantic example, my boyfriend really values thoughtful gifts, I could give a flip…but I know how much he cares so again, I try.

      • Anonymous

        Why is the 2-3 month timing cringe-worthy? If you’re talking about meeting someone new online, I don’t think it’s sketchy at all. It’s only shady if you start dating someone you’ve known for a long time that quickly, because it suggests overlap or at least feelings that led to the demise of the prior relationship.

        • emeralds

          Because there’s so much (as you can see in this thread) stigma about being a rebound, or jumping into things too quickly before you’ve worked out all of your baggage or breakup issues, which I do agree with sometimes. Def do not think it’s shady or sketchy.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      The love languages thing can be an issue and not moving on is definitely an issue. But something that is relevant in these cases is why the marriage or previous relationship broke down.

      Example. A friend a couple of years ago finally broke up with her boyfriend of ten years after being unhappy for a while and was dating other dudes (partly on rebound, fair to say) within weeks. She met her now SO about six months in and they have been together two plus years and heading for marriage. For her ex, it took a lot longer to get over it, because for him, they broke up when she told him they were breaking up. For her, they’d broken up months ago and she had time to process it before she made the final decision.

      Divorce is hard. But the actual break up probably happened well before they signed on the dotted line. So just because someone has just gotten divorced doesn’t mean they are a mess if in fact the divorce took like a year to come through and they were the one who wanted out.

      That said, in this case it sounds like there might be other issues but often we have an instinct for a reason. By all means have a mature conversation and ask him about how he feels about it and for more details, but if you feel like he’s not ready, then that’s probably for a reason.

      Oh and full disclosure, my SO is divorced, but he got divorced five years ago and there was another serious-ish girlfriend in between. His divorce was amicable, but he still wasn’t ready to date for over a year afterwards.

    • Fishie

      If he isn’t giving you what you need now in terms of affection, are you certain that time to heal from his own divorce will change that? It may just be that’s how he is, how he shows (or doesn’t show) affection. It may seem OK now, but 10 years from now will you feel unloved because you two aren’t communicating on the same lines?

      I’m not sure time is the answer here. You may want to find someone who “speaks your language” a little better.

      Good luck!

      • CountC

        This is important. I am not a person who naturally shows affection – I wasn’t raised with it and had to learn it as a new language essentially. Even though I recognize I am bad at this and have worked to improve, I am still not great at it. I know it’s important to my partner, so I try to make an effort to show affection even though it’s not at all my love language. I’ve had therapy on all of this, so I know that it’s just not ever something that will come naturally, but because I discussed this early on with my partner, we are able to work together on making sure that each of us is comfortable in this area. I won’t say it’s always easy though! It’s hard work for me, but because I want to be in this relationship and see a future with this person I make an effort to do it.

        I am not sure he sounds like he is ready for a relationship, but if you intend to continue, this is an important discussion to have with him to make sure your needs are being met.

    • anondc

      Wait…so you’ve been serious for 4 months and he got divorced 4 months ago?? That alone would make me wonder. You should have a serious talk about it with him if you feel like there is some unresolved issues with his divorce. That could be the reason you arent connecting as well as you like/youre needs arent being met. Or it could just be that you two arent right for each other for other reasons.Either way, you need to talk to him about it.

  20. Anonymous

    Has anyone purposefully shrunk a wool sweater? I just got a gorgeous wool cardigan and it’s really big on me but the smaller size is all sold out. I’m on the cusp of petite usually so it’s really too big everywhere on me – shoulders, sleeves, length. I already paid $12 for s&h and will have to pay for a return so feeling tempted to try washing it to see if it would shrink to size but it was a $78 sweater (not counting s&h) so seems like an expensive experiment if it doesn’t work out. Should I just return?

    • sweater answer

      Hit or miss. If you go this route, make sure it is a shrinkable 100% wool (i.e. not Superwash) and try shrinking a little at a time – you may have to go through several iterations (blocking to size each time) before you get it right. Seems like a hassle and you may end up with nothing.

      Instead of shrinking, have you looked for the same item in your size on ebay or other resale outlets?

    • Snick

      I’d return it. It is not likely to work well. I have intentionally shrunk some hand knits. It changes the fabric (felts it), is hard to control, and changes the dimensions in unpredictable ways. The fabric generally shrinks in length but not width.

      • lawsuited

        +1 Even if the sweater shrinks to the right size, the handfeel will change dramatically so it won’t be comparable to the same sweater in the smaller size.

      • Idea

        Yeah, just don’t. That’s a lot of money and it will not turn out the way it is in your head.

  21. Quality Bras?

    Whats the best place to buy quality bras (and underwear but mostly need new bras) that arent crazy expensive – maybe $30-45 max?? I’m in my mid-20s and still shop at Aerie (American Apparel lingerie line) and I want something more sophisticated and that will last longer.

    • AIMS

      Once I figured out what brands and size worked for me, I would just look for nicer bras on sale at places like Nordstrom rack, etc. FWIW, I’ve had good experiences with DKNY and Calvin Klein bras and you can usually find them in discount stores like that, TJ Maxx etc. Saks and Bloomingdales also have really good bra sales from time to time so once you get some basics you can kep an eye out for bras to add to the rotation.

    • Anon

      If you have been fitted recently, I think Bare Necessities dot com is the best place. However, good quality bras can be expensive depending on your cup size.

      Personally I like Marks and Spencers from the UK. Good quality bras, in a ton of sizes, and they are cheap, even with the pricey international shipping.

      • Runner 5

        M&S quite often do free international shipping. It was my lifesaver when I lived in Germany.

    • AttiredAttorney

      Get fitted at a “fancy” place like Nordstrom or Rigby Peller (and buy one overpriced bra there) , then order all the rest from Amazon! I get my regularly priced $80+ bras anytime they fall under $50 on Amazon, which is pretty frequetly.

      • Melissa

        +1 for this suggestion. I get my normal Wacoal bra at Nordstrom during the anniversary sale, but otherwise I keep it in my “saved for later” section of my Amazon cart so I can track the price. The price is normally $60 but frequently drops to $40.

    • lawsuited

      If you are in Canada, go to a Change store. The prices are similar to VS, but the quality is a million times better.

    • Anonymous

      Soma a great place for this kind of thing, and they run occasional sales that would be in your price range.

    • CDA

      Try Nordstrom. You may have to do some sale stalking, but there will likely be at least a few in your price range. If you can go for an in person fitting, please do so! Once you know your size, it will be easier/less risky to continue to find replacements online.

    • Anonymous

      Maidenform outlet! They have a ton of different styles in most sizes from designers you might not realize are part of the Maidenform family (that’s where I get my DKNY), and they often have deals where each bra ends up costing $20-$30.

    • Fishie

      I went to a lingerie store for a fitting (Nordstrom also does this) and try to buy occasionally from local vendors. However once you know your brand and size, you can buy from Amazon or Bare Necessities. Both regularly have sales.

    • Rebecca

      I’ve been really happy with the Gap Body bras, the t-shirt bra specifically. They are normally around $36, I always get them on sale, though. They hold up great, at least that has been my experience.

    • KateMiddletown

      Find the size/brand by going to Nordstrom and buy the black and nude. (Mine are almost always $60, never on sale.) Then go on Amazon and stalk the heck out of the fun colors.

  22. KEL

    Honestly? I think you just need to slow your roll here. You’re both recently divorced. Very recently. Being in a “serious” relationship already is pretty major. Why not just back up a bit and date this man without all this “serious” business and talk of the future?! I’d tell him you’re not ready for a serious relationship with him, but that you really enjoy his company and hope to continue seeing him (and others…) and seeing how things develop.

    Also, aside from divorce or any other issue, there is never really a good reason to enter or stay in a serious relationship with someone not meeting your needs.

  23. resolution?

    I recently sold my iPhone 5s on ebay after getting a new phone for Christmas. The phone worked fine for me, no issues. I had the phone on the night before I mailed it out to reset it and it was fine. The buyer has now had the phone since Monday and just messaged me saying there are “battery issues and screen issues they know they aren’t the cause of.”

    I sent it in the original box with bubble wrap inside the priority mail box, so I feel like I did my piece of mail the phone safely but I have a feeling this person is going to expect a refund, or failing that, start a dispute with eBay.

    How would you handle this?

    • Anonymous

      Ebay will almost definitely take their side. I’d file a damage claim with USPS.

    • banana

      It sounds like you suspect the buyers is trying to pull a fast one. I’d offer to allow him to to return it or take a small discount (5%-10%). If there is no problem and he’s trying to pull a fast one he’ll probably take a small discount and leave you alone.

      • Anonymous

        This was my first thought but what if the buyer has actually damaged it and you let him return it and get left with a dud phone and no money?

        • OP

          I think I may offer a small refund. There were pictures on the listing of the phone turned on, showing the screen was functional/no defects.

      • dc anon

        Can you ask the buyer to take it to whatever store (Verizon, ATT, etc.) and get their opinion of what’s wrong with the phone to get a third party opinion? That’s what the seller did when my spouse bought a phone that didn’t work, although it never went further b/c the Verizon store just replaced it through insurance (which apparently ran with the plan, not the phone).

    • Tigermom

      This happened to me and apparently there are a lot of buyers out there that complain to eke out an additional discount or try to return an already broken product.

      Happened to me on a pair of Ferragamos I sold on ebay. There was a magical scratch on the toe that was not there when I had shipped. I told the seller that I would take back and give a refund if she could return it to me via registered post. She said she was in Vietnam ( I had mailed to a California address) and could not return but wanted a 50% refund which I didn’t agree to. Ebay ended up siding with me.

    • Bewitched

      Ebay sucks for this. They always side with the buyer, and I don’t see how filing a claim with USPS will help you (they will want the recipient to provide packaging and the like). I’d offer to have the buyer return the phone and refund their payment. I doubt there is anything wrong with it.

  24. OttLobbyist

    Vicarious shopping challenge: a business casual appropriate backpack. I have a 30 minute walk to and from the office and I am just done with tote bags, or even cross-bodies. I walk very quickly, and these bags are slowing me down! I carry a few files, a smallish laptop, a small purse, lunch, and sometimes shoes. I will keep a nice tote bag at the office for going between meetings at different locations during the day.

  25. shopping help!

    I’m looking for something equivalent to this discontinued nordstrom slip: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-seamless-slip/3944025. It’s basically just a long version of the shimera/nordstrom camis, which I wear and love. I want something that is snug all around but not shapewear – just for smoothing out lines and as a layer under sheer things. Everything else I have seen is either an a-line (not snug around the butt) or straight up spanx. Any ideas? Thanks!

    • Traditionalist

      I have something similar from The Limited, though it’s not really shiny/silky at all — I think it’s all cotton and spandex. Also, the straps aren’t adjustable. But i’s very snug around the butt and has worked well for me.

    • Anonymous

      Free People has a seamless slip like that. A Shapewear slip will also probably work without being constricting – some shapewear isn’t very strong and is just regular skin tight. You can order a size up if you’re worried, but I have one (I think DKNY?) and it is not constricting.

    • Bonnie

      White House Black Market longline camis are identical to the one you posted.

  26. anon

    Please tell me if you think I’m overreacting to this. My feelings are hurt and maybe they shouldn’t be…..I’ve been overly sensitive lately because I haven’t been getting enough sleep due to sick twin babies.

    My 10 month old twins came down with hand foot mouth last Friday. It took them 5 days but they are over it now. My husband and are symptom free so far – fingers crossed that it stays that way. I’m a part of a twins group of 10 moms that try to get together with or without babies at least once per month. We take turns organizing the outing. I organized a moms only (no babies) dinner out for tonight about a month ago. One woman in the group has been short and kind of catty to me in the past. I do not know what I did to make her decide she doesn’t like me but that’s the vibe I get. She posted on FB in a forum of 500 other moms that she will not be going to dinner if I go because she doesn’t want to be subjected to my hand foot mouth germs because she’s worried she will carry it home to her babies. It would’ve been nice if she just sent me a private message with her concern. I think she’s being a little bit crazy about this considering that I do not have any symptoms of hand foot mouth and my children will not be attending dinner. I wrote to the group and said that I would be bowing out of the group dinner tonight because I don’t want to subject anyone to my family’s germs. Both my husband and I have been at work all week (we have nanny so we didn’t get kicked out of daycare for the week). The pediatrician said hand foot mouth is all over the place and that it isn’t necessary to stay home. Most healthy adults with not contract the disease. But who wants to go to dinner and feel like no one wants to sit by you because you’re a walking ball of hand, foot, mouth??? Do you think she’s overreacting or would you not want to go to dinner with me either?

    • Anonymous

      I think she’s overreacting, but whether she’s overreacting or not, she handled it badly and was very rude.

    • Idea

      Who do your trust, your doctor or this crazy mom? Go to your dinner with your friends that you helped plan, and good riddance to crazy mom.

      I’m a mom. HFM is not HIV or HPV or Ebola. It’s a thing that kids get and get over. I f-ing hate people like this. I’d totally go to dinner with you and talk all kinds of crazy gossip about that mom.

      • mascot

        I just assume that all parents of similarly aged kids are petri dishes. Unless this a dinner with communal cups and no hand soap, I’d take my chances and attend.

      • Anon

        As an adult who has gotten HFM – it happens! – from kids, it is possible! And adults can be carriers when they don’t have it because they have immunity. Learned all this the hard way and had blisters on my face at work.

    • Anon

      Wow, that’s a really sh*tty way for her to handle it. It’s like she really wanted to publicly “shame” you over the disease. And she’s overreacting.

    • shake it off

      You asked two questions. I would not want to go to dinner with you and would hope that you would bow out — but would hope so even if I adored you. Some people are just germophobes or nervous nellies. But she definitely overreacted and did so rudely.

      Take it in stride and next go around I’d report to the facebook group: “I’m in! We have been symptom-free for a month now with doctor’s blessing! So excited to try New Restaurant!” and ignore this woman.

    • anon

      OP here – I feel like if you’re concerned that you’re going to get something that YOU should bow out, not bully the person that had sick kids and is planning to attend.

      • Spirograph

        Yes. I’m sorry you felt the need to bow out of this event. You are not sick. You are not going to share utensils and sippy cups with the other moms, so even if you are asymptomatically infected, the chances of spreading to other adults who presumably wash their hands frequently and don’t put everything they find in their mouth is very slim. That other mom is rude, and if you can get back in on your event, you should.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks Spirograph. I feel like this woman and another were talking about me coming and that’s what prompted mean girl to write something so I’m just not going to go. It would be too awkward. The other woman that I’m assuming was talking about it wrote this in response to me bowing out:

          “My SIL is a nurse at Children’s Hospital and she was not allowed to return to work for 10 days after her kids had HFM so we really appreciate you taking the proper precautions.”

          I wanted to write back: “That situation is completely different in that many of the children at Children’s Hospital have compromised immune systems. Healthy children are much more likely than an adult to contract HFM and children with weak immune systems are much more vulnerable to contract a disease and have serious complications as a result. Last time I checked you are not a child, nor do you have a compromised immune system as far as I am aware.

          • Spirograph

            Ugh, ditch these people. You should write that back. I hate health fear-mongering based on incorrectly applied anecdotes.

            If you’re in the DC area, I’ll go out to dinner with you instead!

      • January

        No, I agree, that would have been the appropriate way for her to handle it. Her rudeness is really her problem, not yours, and it’s likely other people on the FB group saw that and thought it was rude, too.

        Are there others in the group that you are closer to or could see separately? I’d probably steer clear of this lady for a while.

        • Mean Mom

          I wouldn’t steer clear of her. Chase her, with your hands out, breathing heavily in her direction, at close quarters.

          /joke

      • Suburban

        Agree with you that this lady was in the wrong. Of course it’s the job of the germaphobe to bow out. However, I think you let her rudness get to you when you backed out quickly and publicly. Now you’re missing out and more upset than you would have been had you brushed this off and just went. Small life lesson I guess. I hope you plan something fun for that night and feel better soon.

        • Anonymous

          I didn’t bow out in the FB post visible to all 500 people where she posted her craziness. I posted in our private event page that is only visible to the 10 of us.

          • Suburban

            Ahh, I see. Still, my advice stands. I’ve let myself miss out like that in the past. It’s a terrible feeling.

    • Houda

      I would not sit next to you and I might even not go to dinner if I know you are attending beforehand. But this is MY problem as a germaphobe. I would never publish that on social media. That was mean of her… very high school-ish

    • Anonymous

      I think she acted badly and should have bowed out of the dinner herself if she didn’t want to take the risk.

      HFM is pretty contagious though per the Mayo Clinic so I don’t think she’s totally paranoid that you might pass it on without symptoms :

      “Although your child is most contagious with hand-foot-and-mouth disease during the first week of the illness, the virus can remain in his or her body for weeks after the signs and symptoms are gone. That means your child still can infect others. Some people, particularly adults, can pass the virus without showing any signs or symptoms of the disease”

      • Anon

        THIS. You generally won’t show signs if you are an adult but can definitely still pass it on for up to 6 days according to my doctor.

        • Spirograph

          I’m not doubting anyone’s doctor, but HFM is spread by contact with the sores or sharing saliva/coughing/sneezing out of your infected mouth and someone else getting the virus into their soft tissues. So yes, it is certainly possible to infect other adults, but the reason kids (especially the under 3 set) get it way more often is because they put everything in their mouth. Adults just typically don’t have that problem.

          My son evaded a HFM case in his daycare last year. In fact, only 2 kids ever came down with it. There’s a single HFM case in my daughter’s daycare class right now, but she and the other kids are good so far. I’ll be disappointed if she gets it (esp because it will probably spread to my son, and yay, 2 sick kids), and obviously I’ll nix any playdates and keep her out of school if she does get sick, but the possibility of an asymptomatic infection it’s not anything *I* would change my social plans about. You might have pre-symptom flu right now too, for all you know — so should we all just be shut-ins all the time? It’s asinine.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t want to go to dinner with you, but I wouldn’t make it public like that.

      I actually contracted the disease myself last month. It sucked. Adults can get it and it’s pretty gross. And I was told I could be contagious for something like 6 days by the doctor? My daughter got it too and that sucked as well.

    • Anonymous

      Reply and say that actually, you verified with your doctor and there’s no need to stay home. I personally wouldn’t care, since it’s not like you’re slobbering all over me or drinking out of my glass the way a kid would, but people can make their own decisions. Some of which are to be rude, but whatever, brush it off. It’s not like you’re missing out on not seeing this lady!

  27. Westraye

    She’s overreacting but some moms are crazy paranoid about germs. HFM goes around easily with kids, but not so easily with adults. And I think the contagion period for your twins HFM is over by now anyway, but can’t remember exactly when it stops. It was nice of you to bow out, but not in my view necessary – having been in that situation more than once, I happily sat next to friends whose kids had HFM. I never caught it from my kid, their kids, or them.

    Hugs to you – my little one had it (caught it from my friend’s kid before he showed symptoms) and I did not sleep much – I can only imagine how much harder it is with twins!

  28. Anon

    Related question based on the preceding — how germophobic are you? I didn’t used to be — I mean I’d wash my hands before eating and in the last few yrs, I feel like I’m paranoid about every little thing. Having to commute by subway now and am totally paranoid about touching the poles or even having anyone’s bag brush against me since I know it’s been on the floor (though of course it happens in crowded subway cars daily). Feel like I’m constantly lysoling things off (phone etc.).

    Any bio types or MDs want to tell me that I’m being over the top and can dial it back?

    • Anonymous

      Related question based on the preceding — how germophobic are you? I didn’t used to be — I mean I’d wash my hands before eating and in the last few yrs, I feel like I’m paranoid about every little thing. Having to commute by subway now and am totally paranoid about touching the poles or even having anyone’s bag brush against me since I know it’s been on the floor (though of course it happens in crowded subway cars daily). Feel like I’m constantly lysoling things off (phone etc.).

      Any bio types or MDs want to tell me that I’m being over the top and can dial it back?

      • Anonymous

        +1. I’m not an MD but I did take microbiology and immunology classes. My takeaway was to wash my hands with soap and warm water and try not to put my fingers in my mouth or eyes. But antibac/antimicrobial stuff is unnecessary at best (and could contribute to superbugs) and exposure to pathogens is a fact of life and the building blocks of a healthy immune system. Anecdotally, I got sick WAY less frequently when I took public transit. My kids go to daycare and play in the dirt. Everyone washes their hands when we get home and before dinner, kiddos wash hands after bathroom, because daycare taught them. I wash hands in public restrooms but only sometimes at home. We get colds a lot, but nothing more serious (knock on wood). My favorite are self-proclaimed germophobes who don’t get flu shots.

      • DC Anon

        Yeah, I take the metro and touch the poles, never use hand sanitizer or antibacterial soap or lysol, and only wash my hands after using the bathroom or when they’re actively dirty. And I likewise never get sick unless I’m really behind on sleep. It’s become clear over time that me getting sick is unrelated to germ exposure (I’m exposed to germs constantly) and instead is a result of when I let my immune system get rundown.

        Maybe instead of visualizing germs on the subway, you visualize your immune system getting stronger and stronger!

      • Carrots

        Pretty much all this. I’m careful about certain things, like I make sure to always wash my hands after cleaning the litter boxes and if there are dishes in the sink, I’ll go to the bathroom to wash my hands instead. But otherwise, I’m pretty much a “bring on the germs” kind of person and have only had to take actual sick days from work once in the five years I’ve been there.

      • Anon

        Yeah I find it gross that you don’t always wash your hands after using the bathroom, even if it is in your own home.

        And for everyone who thinks that not getting sick is some sort of sign that your method or level of cleanliness is just fine, please note there are other people who may not have as strong of immune systems. I for one have an incredibly weak stomach and will regularly get food poisoning when other people I share food with don’t.

        I’m not saying everyone should be a germophobe, but everyone should wash their hands after using the bathroom, cleaning any other sort of human/animal waste, and wash food. And yes, I judge people who don’t wash their hands after using a public bathroom. I also judge people who fix their hair/makeup after using the bathroom but before washing.

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