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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’m really going through a LOT right now in life and all I can manage is to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. I speak to my 4 closest friends regularly as lifelines (all of whom live out of state), but I feel like I’m neglecting my less-close-but-still-great-people local friends and my recently-moved-to-town-haven’t-talked-to-you-really-in-10-years friends. They want to get together, but the thought of committing to plans (or sometimes even answering text messages involving logistics) is too much for me.
How do I express to both types of friends that I value our friendships and will resurface when I have the bandwidth…without emotionally vomiting on them or looking like I’m BSing? I’m particularly worried that it looks like I’m choosing to spend time with my LD boyfriend over them (which I am, he’s a port in the storm for me) and they’ll be hurt when I finally resurface.
“Just meet them for brunch/drinks” is complicated by the fact that I live an hour out in the suburbs. I’ve been leaning on the travel excuse enough that it’s worn thin.
Anonymous
“Hey, sorry for not replying earlier. I have a lot going on at the moment, so I might appear hard to reach for some time. Please believe me I always appreciate when you include me in the planning of the next get-together. I will be more responsive once I can put out some fires over here. Looking forward to catching up with you soon!”
It will be more believable if you can provide something tangible, ie. “I might appear hard to reach for the next 2 months.” But if you can’t then you can’t. We all have busy lives. They shouldn’t give you a hard time over it.
Ellen
Yay Kat! I love this peek-a-boo dress, and will show ROSA. It is OK if Ed does the peek-a-boo with Rosa, but with Frank, I can NOT have him doeing that to me, especialy b/c he is MARRIED, and I do NOT have any obligation to show any more of my body to him then he can already see publicly. FOOEY on HIM!
I am suposed to be coaching Rosa’s daughter to prepare for the SEDER, but it is hard over the phone. She is SO cute that peeople will smile no matter how bad she is, but she actueally is smarter then Rosa was at her age, tho I will NEVER say this directley to Rosa, and Dad agrees, so even tho Dad read’s Corporete, he will NOT tell Rosa that either. YAY!!!
Helene
Yay! Ellen is back! Ellen, you should do something about Frank. He seems like a real sleeze you should not have to put up with. He certainly should not be playing with your wardrobe, or probing where he does not belong. Once you have a man, you should have him take care of him for you, as I’m sure the sexual references will cease once Frank knows your dad is not the only guy in your life.
Lo
+1 Yayyyy Ellen!!! She’s back!
Anondc
I think sending a text or email, whatever similar to what Anon wrote at 9:07 will do. Be open and honest with them that youve been going through a lot lately and still value the friendship. However, at the same time, dont necessarily expect them to stick around once they know you arent able to invest as much in the friendship anymore.
Catlady
If you explain that you would love to see them but traveling to them is difficult, would they come to you?
Anonymous
“Hey, sorry I haven’t been in touch as much as I’d like. I’ve just got a ton of stuff at the moment and making plans and heading into the city feels overwhelming.”
But also- suggest they come to you. Make the time and effort. I know you don’t want to, but if you want anyone local to develop into an important relationship you need to make the time.
anon
Have you told them what’s going on? It’s your call of course as to whether that’s the right choice for you with any of these people, but if you did then a) I’m sure that they would be understanding and feel less in the dark, and b) it might be a good opportunity to deepen your friendship and they might be able to be there for you. I’ve had a lot of those not-super-close-but-still-great friends really rise to the occasion when I reached out, even though I didn’t expect it. It was really valuable to me.
Other than that, I co-sign anonymous at 9:07’s suggestion.
Mousyb
+1000 This is a good way to look at it. This could be an opportunity to grow deeper friendships with local people and actually might help you with whatever youre going through. I would give it a try.
anonymous
For those of you who have been divorced, why did you get divorced? Did one of you do something unforgivable, did you just realize that it was a bad match from the beginning? Or was it a crisis/particular challenge that you couldn’t work through? Do you think you could have seen it coming? I’m newly married, and my parents had a terrible marriage, so I’m curious about others’ experiences
anonymous
Ugh, posted in the wrong place. Sorry guys. Can’t we bring back the edit function?
TO Lawyer
+1 Definitely text them and let them know what’s going on. A close friend of mine dropped off the map completely and stopped responding to messages inquiring if she was ok and it was really hurtful.
I know you’re going through a lot but if my friend had told me she was having a rough time and would reemerge in a few months, I would have been able to adjust my expectations and support her in the way she wanted to be supported instead of feeling like I was being ignored by one of my close friends.
Anonymous
Invite everyone to meet for brunch near you, and then you don’t have to feel guilty if they decline to travel the hour instead of you doing it. ;)
Toothy
Has anyone done dental implants on their front teeth? I may need to on my top front and am horrified by the idea of being toothless during the process. My dentist says they’ll give me a fake little thing but I wonder how that will actually be in practice. FWIW, I’ve done a side implant before and it was fine because it was not visible and I could just leave it be, but the whole thing took a lot longer than the 3 months dentist anticipated.
Anonymous
Do you grind your teeth? My husband does and he got an implant for his top front tooth because it was chipped. Because he grinds, the temporary nearly fell out every night. It was a pretty awful few weeks until the permanent one came in, but now it looks great and that time is a distant memory.
PirateTeeth
I have an implant in the front. Is your dentist suggesting a flipper or a bridge? I had both at different stages (I had a ton of dental work as the result of a nasty accident). The flipper is like a retainer that you put in your mouth and has a fake tooth attached. Honestly, I found it pretty uncomfortable and didn’t wear it most of the time. My sister had one too and wore it all the time. Definitely be willing to go back multiple times to get it refit if it’s not comfortable. I had a bridge during another stage and found it much more comfortable. The main accommodation was not biting down with my front teeth on hard food, such as apples, etc.
Toothy
He said he would do both so I have the option of whatever I like best. I am willing to give up apples but am going to be so sad about pretzels and pizza!
PirateTeeth
You can knife and fork any food. In my case, at least, I just couldn’t bite down with my front teeth.
Implants
Yes! I have a bridge across my upper top five teeth which is secured by three implant posts. My best advice is to make sure you really, really trust your doctor and his/her a) judgment about what cosmetically looks good; and b) billing practices. Implants are generally not covered by insurance and the billing codes can look like gibberish, so I had to advocate for myself with the cost and actually wound up switching dentists because I felt the first dentist was not being upfront with me.
My roots were damaged from childhood braces and those five teeth were losing so much root they eventually would have fallen out, so I didn’t have much choice in the matter. The entire process took about six months from beginning to end (as you probably know from your side implant, the jaw bone needs a few months to heal around the posts before they’ll put a permanent crown on it).
For me because it was so many teeth in such a visible place, they did the extractions and implant surgery in one go, then put a temporary bridge right over the implants in that first session. I was under VERY stern orders not to bite or chew, but it was “permanent” in the sense that the bridge was cemented in place. After about two months the temporary bridge broke (at work, in a deposition no less) and my dentist replaced it with another bridge that stayed put until the implants were secure enough for the permanent bridge. This time period spanned my wedding (terrible luck) so I got married with the temporary bridge and it looks great in all the pictures. I just didn’t order the steak at my wedding. ;)
I’ve had the permanent bridge for about a year now and I can bite, smile, do everything I normally would. My teeth look great and friends are always genuinely shocked if I tell them the story of how I lost all my front teeth.
Toothy
Thanks for all this info! I have a very similar situation so this is very helpful. How was it in the beginning? Did you have to do a bone graft? Mine said he may need to but won’t know for sure until he does the extraction. Also did you have to sleep without it in the beginning? I think I’m most bothered by this as I’d rather not go to bed toothless and have my husband see me like that. Not that it matters, but for my own sake.
Sad today
Any tips for staying calm and riding it out when your marriage is floundering? I heard some very painful things last night and am very in my head, which I know is not going to help. I thought things were good but apparently my husband is deeply unhappy. I don’t want to separate but I also don’t want to feel like this indefinitely. Thanks for any advice.
CPA Lady
Heard some things, like overheard him talking about your marriage? Or saying mean things about you?
You have to talk to him. Right away, like tonight. You don’t have to “feel like this indefinitely”. Just tell him you overhead him if thats what happened, and you want to work on improving your marriage.
My husband and I had a marriage crisis about 5 or 6 years ago when he heard me venting on the phone to someone about him/our marriage. It was the first time he really took seriously concerns I had raised over and over again but he had always brushed aside because I was never direct. We had a huge extremely helpful argument/conversation about it, and the next week started working through this book 7 Principals For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It basically saved our marriage.
Sad today
Clarifying: he said some things to me, not mean but very hard to hear. We have been in counseling for a few months. I think it’s helping but didn’t know how bad he feels we are.
mascot
Does he think that things have gotten worse since counseling started? Or is he just re-visiting whatever was so bad that triggered counseling in the first place? If he’s still willing to go through the hard work, but is just acknowledging that it is hard and still needs work, I think that’s different than him saying, we’ve tried fixing this and I don’t want to do it anymore.
Sad today
Thanks. It’s the former: willing to work but sort of revealing more of what initially brought us to need counseling. He says he loves me but has doubts and wants us to just be present and for me to be myself. That’s hard right now since I’m shocked and so hurt. He said he even had doubts going into it, which is just so hard since I never did.
Anonymous
Don’t try to solve this, even in your head, today. For today, a bad thing just happened, you don’t know what the outcome will be and can’t do anything about it, so focus on getting through the day. Do your work, make a cup of tea, you will get through one way or another.
You won’t feel like this indefinitely. Don’t borrow that worry.
BeenThatGuy
This happened to me. One night, out of the blue, my husband said “I’m not sure I love you anymore”. Came out of his mouth like “did you pick up the dry cleaning?”
It’s okay to be devastated right now. It’s a huge blow when you find out your partner is unhappy and you thought everything was okay. I don’t think it’s impossible to repair. Try to have open conversations and really hear what he’s saying.
Big hugs to you!
Blonde Lawyer
My heart breaks reading this. Sorry you had to go through that.
BeenThatGuy
Thanks. Worst time in my life, but I came out the other side completely changed.
Pep
This happened to me, too. I had no idea he was unhappy until the day we got our adoption referral. When I got home from work – floating on air from the happy news! – he informed me that we couldn’t take the baby because he didn’t want to be married to me any more.
Two life-changing losses in one moment.
Turns out he was having an affair with someone he knew through work and decided this was his last chance to bolt.
Jax
Most of the “I don’t think I love you anymore” confessions spring from affairs or the beginning stages of a mutual attraction. So cowardly. Like, now that I found a newer model, I’m ready to tell you that I’ve been going through the motions and pretending we were okay rather than trying to fix things 6 months ago. Every time you asked me, “Are you okay?” or “Is something wrong?” I blew it off and said nothing because I didn’t want to be uncomfortable for a night–so instead I gave up, found someone else, and threw our whole relationship away!
BeenThatGuy
OMG. EXACTLY!
cbackson
I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and I don’t think that’s true. Particularly for people who are very bad at dealing with and talking about emotions, I don’t think it’s unusual to go from reticent to shut down to “I don’t love you anymore/I want a divorce.” People who are utter crap at dealing with emotions can just sort of ruminate on it all internally without realizing that if they, you know, actually *talked* about the problem, it might never grow into something huge. Instead, they just let it boil internally until they’ve convinced themselves it’s not working.
There’s always going to be a first time someone is able to give voice to their doubts, you know? Doesn’t have to be prompted by an affair or even unacted-upon attraction to someone else. And even when it is, I think that’s sometimes the stimulus that causes the person to realize how completedly detached from the marriage he’s become. It’s not about a newer model, it’s about what attraction to another person means about the marriage. It’s awful and it’s hurtful but it’s not necessarily something as simple as cowardice – more like a sign of just incredibly stunted emotional development.
And I say this as someone whose marriage fell apart like this: Me: “what are you thinking about dinner?” /Him: “I’d like a divorce.” So I’ve been there.
BeenThatGuy
Are you me? I was 7 weeks pregnant when he said that to me. Then I found out by 12 weeks about a girlfriend (a work thing too). And that was that. Divorce was finalized 3 days before I delivered by son.
Pep
I didn’t mention – when I asked him if there was someone else, he steadfastly denied it. I accepted his answer as the truth, until I was doing laundry and found a love note from her he had left in his pants pocket. A quick check of the cell phone records (the account for his phone was in my name) confirmed it.
He’s married to her now. And got caught cheating on her three months after the wedding. They’re still together, though.
NOLA
Oh my gosh, that’s what happened to me, too! I knew he had met this woman and that something felt off to me, but he lied several times and each time denied being involved with her. But then, she started blogging about this wonderful man she just met (blah blah blah) and it because clear that he was lying. Then came the phone bill (still had a landline) that showed many long calls to her that he tried to divert by paying it with a credit card before I saw it.
He married her and cheated on her, too. But they are also still together. Whatevs.
Shopping challenged
I found out I was being cheated on by getting into a conversation with someone in the waiting room at …. the gyno’s office. Her appt was first. When it was my turn, I told the doc and asked her if she would please break dr/patient confidentiality re the other woman and let me know if there was anything I ought to know about or that could impact my health. I have never been so glad to hear a stranger be given a clean bill of health! But yeah, that was the end of the relationship.
Anon
Today: Practice self care – Deep breaths, water, and indulge in something you like (I reach for good cheese). Get sleep
Short term: Find a peaceful hobby that you enjoy – yoga, knitting, walking, gardening (actual), anything that lets you get out of your head.
Long term: if you have money and time: find an individual therapist so that you can deal with the impact to you. They can help you walk through bumps that marriage counseling can throw at you sometimes and help you find what you really want.
Frozen Peach
Sending you so many hugs. My marriage is about to turn four, and we’ve been through a few make-or-break rough patches and are on solid good ground now. I have found a few books to be incredibly helpful to me, depending on the issues at issue, and would be happy to share, but I also wholeheartedly agree with Anon 9:27 that you don’t have to solve this now, or today. Be super kind to yourself– do you have a close gf or two who you can confide in so that you’re not carrying this alone “IRL”?
Sad today
Thanks. I’d love the book recs. I do have a phone date with my best friend tonight. I’m afraid to share this with others though.
Killer Kitten Heels
Book Riot has a podcast called Get Booked and they just answered a question from someone looking for books to take her mind off of pregnancy complications – not the same issue, but I think those book recs would work for you as well.
Also, if you want to take a weekend to feel your feelings, maybe take a night or two to hole up at a local hotel and read Terry Tempest Williams’ “When Women Were Birds” and cry it out.
Jax
Talk to your friend, and try to process what’s going on. This is probably going to sound weird, but my advice is “Get Tough”.
My husband had a 6 month affair with someone at work, and before I caught him he was distant, cold and hurtful. I could feel the growing void between us and it didn’t make sense. After trying to reach out and getting my hand bitten repeatedly, I was fed up and asked for marriage counseling. We started going, and the entire time he gave the counselor bu!!sh!t problems while carrying on secretly with his coworker. I suspected he had a crush on this coworker, but never in my wildest dreams would have guessed it was a full blown affair. We’re church every Sunday Christians and had a 3 year old daughter.
I discovered it by digging through the call logs on our cell phone bill. I packed his bags, sent him to his parent’s house, and began the worst period of my life. The good news is that we survived and are still married, 7 years later, and our marriage is stronger than ever. I think that’s because I threw him out and didn’t let him flip flop with the “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” or “I don’t know if I still want to be married to you.” I didn’t try to love him through it or win him back–he didn’t deserve it. He was out.
On his side, he said he was caught up in something that he was ashamed of, horrified of, and didn’t know how to get out of. He said he would come home from work and just look around our house and think, “What am I doing? I’m going to lose all this.” Because he was ashamed and terrified, he pushed me away and was mean on purpose. The affair with his coworker consisted of an encounter followed by hours and days of talking about how wrong it was and how they wouldn’t do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Then I found out and he ended it 100%, put in for a transfer, and gave up his job. It was ugly, but I demanded it.
I’m not saying your husband is having an affair. I guess I’m saying, “Prepare yourself.” Do some digging. Guard your heart. If his behavior tells you that something is off, trust your gut. And remember, you can decide when to end this, too. He doesn’t hold all of the power in your marriage, and you don’t have to bottle up your emotions and play nice so he stays.
Shopping challenged
Ugh, that sounds so awful and hurtful! I had a fiancé cheat on me. He’d pick fights with me just to have an excuse to go out “alone”. When I found out, it was like a kick in the gut. I can’t imagine having a child with the man, and a home you expected to keep building up together. More power to you for having gotten through it!
Killer Kitten Heels
Along the lines of what Jax is describing, Dear Sugar Radio (the podcast with former Dear Sugar columnists Cheryl Strayed and Steve Whatever-his-last-name-is) had an episode about infidelity a few weeks ago called The Secret Lives of Lovers – if an affair is part of the equation, there’s some great advice there. They also did a series last fall called “The Infidelity Episodes” that were really good, and would probably be a good listen even if infidelity isn’t at the core of what’s happening in your relationship, since I think what you’re describing, OP, is, if not infidelity in its literal sense, certainly a type of betrayal that isn’t far removed. Hugs to you if you’d like them, and hang in there.
Shopping challenged
I can only offer commiseration. My husband was depressed, because of his/our situation (living where I was in grad school, him unemployed). I arranged to do part of my degree requirements close to where he wanted to be, but he couldn’t handle it, and left before things were finalized. So I wound up living in his country on my own! When we saw each other at the divorce, he apologized. He noticed that I was grinding my teeth, which he’d never seen me do, and said something about how I used to be so beautiful and it was all his fault.
I hope your husband has more commitment to the marriage, and gets the help he needs! One other piece of advice from my experience–when we did couples therapy, depressed hisband thought the therapist and I were hanging up on him. I absolutely disagree, but maybe have your husband do the shopping g around and possibly even the first session alone if you decide to do counseling. Good luck!
Shopping challenged
Sorry, I seem to have missed a few posts on my first skim/through!
You might want counseling for yourself, beyond the couples therapy; dealing with someone who’s depressed and having trouble managing his own load can be really hard!
Baconpancakes
How often does Boden do sales? Also, any tips on the way their bottoms fit? They have the perfect color shorts, but I didn’t want to put the trigger if they’re likely to go on sale in two weeks.
Anonymous
I recently bought shorts there and found them TTS.
MJ
They run 15-20% off pretty much constantly, and then do a few bigger sales (mid-season, end-of-season). They just did their mid-season one and shorts weren’t on super-sale. Their shorts are my favorite though. They are not too high and not too low-waisted. The material is thick but not hot (so not cheap thin cotton that shows undies lines) and it has just enough stretch to be really comfy. I think their shorts are so worth it.
Sydney Bristow
Totally agree. Get on the email list. Their shorts are my favorite.
Runner 5
I’d wait for a 20% off and then push the button. They do still have the full garment measurements online but they’re more difficult to find than before
Job Question
Career question, somewhat academia-specific (although all input is welcome!) I interviewed a little over a month ago for a student-support-services type position with a private university. About a week after the interview, I was told that I was still in the running for the position, but that the hiring process had been delayed, and that they’d let me know when they had any further timeline updates. I am very, very interested in the position – I have been trying to break into academia for awhile now, and this would be a huge opportunity for me. So, my question – should I be following up with them at all? I want to make sure I stay on their radar, but I am wary of being perceived as a pest. Would it makes sense to follow up about a month after our last communication (next week)? Should I wait some longer interval of time? Have I waited too long already?
MJ
I don’t think a month is too long to send a polite email inquiring about timing and expressing that you are still very interesting in the position/you enjoyed meeting them. Just keep it short, polite and breezy. Good luck!
emeralds
+1. Hiring in academia moves at a snail’s pace at the best of times–a month or two delay in the hiring process is not at all unusual. In my most recent job search I had a positive phone interview, sent follow-up emails expressing my continued interest, and didn’t hear back for 3.5 months because they hit a snag in the HR bureaucracy. I was still invited to an on-campus interview and received an offer roughly 5 months after my first interview. Hang in there!
Also, as someone who has only ever worked in academia, watching my SO’s job search has been fascinating. He submits an application and gets a call two days to a week later. Mind. Blown.
Anonny
Conversely, DH interviewed in a major higher ed institution for a position for 11 months – dragged along, told he was top candidate but budgeting was holding it up, interviewed again, told to wait for another better position that was coming, etc, etc, and it entirely fell through. As with any interviewing process, don’t put all of your eggs in this basket. It can take forever, but the result could be positive OR negative.
Anonymous
I cannot really tell you whether to follow up or leave it. It depends on the person you talked to. Will they say “whoops, yea we are just taking our time” or will they feel nagged and criticized. In waiting a month, you have not done anything wrong, at least.
But if you are interested in working in academia, please consider the bigger pattern here: Deadlines and doing things in a timely fashion are not big things in academia. Your situation is special, because you are waiting to find out whether you have a job or not. But this general lack of organization will likely be a part of your workplace and you will tiptoe around various egos and Sheldon-like people to get done what you need to do. Just try to gauge whether this work environment will be a problem for you.
Job Question
To be clear, I absolutely don’t mind if the process takes a long time, I was more trying to gauge whether and to what extent I should be trying to stay in touch in between updates, in case there’s some sort of “rule” or accepted standard that I’m just not aware of because I haven’t been in academia before.
I’m currently a commercial litigator, so lengthy bureaucratic delays and odd personalities are pretty much what I do – I’m hoping to move to academia because I’m looking for a change in the actual substance of my work, not because I’m expecting it to be a shiny happy rainbow land with no delays and no weirdos. :-)
Annie
If they explicitly told you that they’d be in touch with timeline updates, I’d leave it alone for now, unless you have a really good reason not to (like another job offer). The end of the school year is really busy and it’s more likely to be a nuisance. If you still haven’t heard anything when the academic year is over, then I’d check back. The good news is that a private school is more likely to be able to move quickly once they can make an offer than a public university, which requires endless levels of approval for everything.
NOLA
I’m in academia and I can tell you, our financial situation has greatly affected filling the many positions we currently have open. If we had started searches in January when we intended to, we might very well be delaying after the fact. Many private institutions are struggling financially and the financial landscape seems to change weekly. As others have said, expect that academic searches move at a glacial pace, but also expect that they may not be able to give you an update or that it may change a week later.
Aussie academic
I’d suggest leaving it (completely) or leaving it 2-3 months before following up. We tend to move at a glacial pace at the best of times, and if someone says there are delays, I’d expect them to be a lot more than a month. Getting back to someone a month after applying or interviewing would be fast at my university, let alone with delays!
Anon
Our nanny of a year’s son just got into college but the financial aid package was not good enough for them to make it work. It may be too late already, but has anyone volunteered to help in this type of situation? I’m not sure how to broach the topic much less offer but I would definitely be willing to chip in (gift or loan) to some degree. Thoughts?
Friendly Anon
Yes, my family did this when I was a kid. My parents just sat her down and offered to provide a gift of X and an loan of Y, and would that help with A’s college? It was gladly accepted and we got a very loyal employee. I would make sure that you tie the loan’s continuation to nanny’s continued employment. That could get really awkward really fast otherwise.
bridget
I have no experience whatsoever on this particular situation, but a couple of questions:
Is her son not going to college at all, or will he be going to “not dream school” but attending elsewhere?
How large is the gap between what they find affordable and what the college is offering?
And the big one: will any money you give them reduce his aid? (Very often, this happens. School thinks you can afford $20k a year, gives aid accordingly, and when someone in the family chips in $10k a year, the school now says you can afford $30k a year.) This may not happen if the school is “gapping” him, ie offering less in grants than will meet his need, or if his aid package is primarily loans.
gifts
Not quite the same thing, but similar idea….
The woman who cleans our house (and cleaned for my family for years and years) was losing her condo to foreclosure. She is an immigrant, who speaks little English, and signed a loan she didn’t understand and when her monthly payments doubled she and her husband quickly got into trouble.
She never, ever asked for help, and we only found out she was in trouble because we asked her if she was ok when the housing market tanked.
Initially there was discussion of a loan, but in the end we decided it was too awkward. In the end there was a bulk payment/gift made. It was utterly life changing for her and her family. Her loyalty is second to none.
What is a little difficult is that her family does not always make good financial choices. You have to realize that once you give a gift, you can’t tell people what to do with it.
Closet Redux
This last paragraph is so important.
OP
For sure. Thanks for all of these replies. I think what makes me nervous is that she is quite proud and doing very well – her older daughter is actually a freshman in college now. But it’s just so important that I’m going to awkwardly broach what the shortfall is at least.
Coach Laura
If you’re going to do it, you should do it sooner rather than later as many schools have May 1st decision dates.
anonymous
For those of you who have been divorced, why did you get divorced? Did one of you do something unforgivable, did you just realize that it was a bad match from the beginning? Or was it a crisis/particular challenge that you couldn’t work through? Do you think you could have seen it coming? I’m newly married, and my parents had a terrible marriage, so I’m curious about others’ experiences
Anonymous
Don’t borrow trouble. You’re newly married: enjoy your marriage until you don’t anymore. Hopefully you always will.
divorce
I sympathize, and understand your anxiety. I hope you know it is not typical to be worried about this, or asking questions like this so soon after being married. But I can completely relate to it.
I strongly encourage you to work on your anxiety to help increase your chances of marriage success. You have had a poor roll model for marriage and relationships, and even if you “know” it can be different, the years of watching your parent’s dysfunction can ingrain strong survival instincts that are intended to protect you, but sometimes hurt your relationships.
If you need it, consider individual counseling to work through unresolved issues from your childhood, and to help learn better coping skills and realistic expectations.
Signed,
Someone who instead chose to never get married or have any serious relationships after watching their parents’ cruelty and unhappiness.
NOLA
Agree a bit with Anonymous at 10:03 am, but that said, in a nutshell:
-probably shouldn’t have gotten married as quickly as we did. I’d known him for a long time, but we didn’t have the time to determine if there were red flags before we got engaged and that was dumb on my part. We should have postponed the wedding to see if it was right, but it felt like the train was running too fast.
-we should have invested in counseling before things got worse. I still believe most of our problems were his (although my reaction to his issues wasn’t great) but we could have dealt with that.
-in the end, he did meet someone else and pursued that relationship while we were still married and lied about it, then said he was not at all interested in working on our marriage, so that was that.
Not to say that our married years were all bad. It was a huge amount of stress to me, though, that I didn’t even process until I was out of it.
NOLA
Oh, and I should say also that I went to therapy afterward because there were a lot of accusations thrown at me in the divorce and I wanted to work through my own issues. That was immensely helpful in starting a new relationship with fresh eyes about me and what I wanted.
Anon
I’m divorced and remarried. When I was married to my first husband, I felt like I wanted out of the marriage. He had anger issues, we bickered and fought all the time, and I was no longer se xually attracted to him. I didn’t feel loved by him, he resented me for so many things I had nothing to do with, like his career failings, and I felt trapped.
I went to a therapist to sort out my feelings. I asked on day “how do people know when it’s time to get a divorce?” She said “most people are miserable for so long that at some point it becomes obvious. After divorce, most people look back and think they waited too long.”
And that was exactly how I was feeling. I didn’t like the idea of being a 32 year old divorcee – I felt panicky about being on my own, and about whether I’d ever meet anyone again – but when I stepped back and looked at it, I also didn’t want to wait too long.
We had a relatively amicable divorce, in that we didn’t fight too much about money and things. But my ex has never spoken to me again, not once.
a lawyer
That last sentence just confirms you did absolutely the right thing! who wants to be married to someone who carries a grudge that long or is that childish.
cbackson
Um, I’ve only spoken to my ex-husband twice since we divorced. Why would you, if you don’t have kids or friends in common? That part of my life was over. It’s not childishness or holding a grudge – it’s closure.
Anon
I really second what divorce above had to say. Please seek out therapy for yourself. When you find the right therapist, the progress you achieve is literally life changing. It’s not typical to be worried about this. Hugs.
Signed,
Person with her own ball of childhood parental issues
Postscript – yes, I got divorced, and yes, it was because of my childhood issues. I got married in the first place because I was seeking the security I never had in my childhood. After a decade, and finally feeling secure, I looked up and realized I was married to a very nice man for whom I felt only mild affection and to whom I wasn’t attracted in the least…but he made me feel secure. (I realized this when we turned 30 and the thought of having kids with him was a giant NOPE for me. We said kids was the reason for the divorce, and it was, but therapy has shed so much light on all the things that came before that.)
Understanding WHY I make the choices I make – and thereby being able to discern whether I should make a different choice – has given me so much peace.
Another Divorce Kid
Therapy really helps.
I went to individual therapy in the months leading up to getting married because I wanted to start with a ‘clean slate’. It was one of the best investments I could have made in myself.
My husband and I have a really awesome marriage that we’re both very proud of, and I think part of it is that we were able to work on our own baggage that we were bringing with us. Being raised in a family with a closeted alcoholic and then absent father, and an emotionally fried mother, I can now at least recognize some of my patterns and try and check them when I see them coming. Mine are feeling ‘worthy of love’, the need to be hyper functioning, taking the blame and then beating myself up far more than I should, and allowing someone else to take care of me. 90% of the major issues in my adult life end up falling into one of those categories.
Nancy Raygun
Totally agree with the therapy recommendation if you’re feeling really insecure. I just got married last year after dating for 7 years and childhood issues were a bulk of the reason we didn’t marry sooner. We both had bad role models for relationships and knew we wanted something better. Honestly we both view our marriage in spite of our parents’ relationships as a big f*ck you to our own issues. I’d been doing individual therapy for a while for anxiety and I worked through a lot of those during our engagement. My husband and I did some self-help type of reading together and had lot of discussions about how we saw our relationship. It’s normal to have some anxiety, but it’s not healthy to obsess without any real red flags. You deserve better, so take care of yourself and your marriage will have a better shot. You can do this.
S in Chicago
I haven’t been divorced (going on 10 years of marriage) but just wanted to say that the first couple of years were really hard for me. Like really hard. And I wondered whether I had made the right decision all.the.time. I don’t think it was so much anything with my husband so much as it was the change in having to think “us” all the time or feeling like I was sacrificing things I wanted to do with family or friends to do things he wanted to do or to spend time at a gazillion things for my step son (he was at the age when he had a sports or other activity most week nights and every weekend). I’m so glad I got past all of that. I’m now more in love with my husband every day and happier than I’ve ever been.I don’t know how I got so lucky to have someone in my life who isn’t just an amazing husband, but an amazing human being. I’m just throwing this all in here so you realize that “newly married” may not always feel like the honeymoon you expect. Don’t be too hard on yourself or him when you hit these moments.
Anonymous
I have two (anecdotal) stories about this.
1. My SO is divorced. They met young (21), moved in at 22, engaged at 27 and married at 30 (long engagement owing to him converting to Judaism – he is not religious). They split about 18 months after the wedding.
Nothing went wrong particularly, nobody cheated, they didn’t argue. They just realised that they were friends and nothing more. This was around the time that they started thinking about kids and decided that it wouldn’t be a good thing to have kids when they didn’t really want to be married! Had they had kids, they probably would have stayed together because they liked each other as people, there was just no spark.
Whether they could have seen it coming – yes and no. They were in love and wanted to get married and thought it would last forever, but they were very young when they met and what they wanted changed. In hindsight he can see reasons why it wasn’t right. For example, ex wanted children and SO always figured that’s just what they would do, but when it came to it he didn’t feel like he wanted to and that was maybe an unconscious contributing factor (he doesn’t want to have kids now).
It was all very amicable and though they don’t see each other regularly anymore (she moved to another city where she does have a kid with her new man), there is no animosity.
2. A friend of mine married a guy she had been with for six years and they were objectively pretty incompatible. When they had moved in together, she had specified that he should propose in a year. He didn’t and that resulted in a brief split. They were very different people, different priorities, views about stuff, and she sort of just fell into it and after they’d been together a while and got engaged, she said it was easier to just go with it. She almost ran away on the night before her wedding, and she spent a lot of her wedding night crying thinking she had made a huge mistake. They split (not amicably) a couple of months later.
I guess the point is, things happen for lots of reasons and sometimes you can see it coming and sometimes you maybe can’t. Try not to worry and enjoy being married.
Senior Attorney
I agree with all the recommendations for therapy. I’ve been divorced twice, and both times it was because I picked unsuitable husbands based on my childhood experiences, which in a nutshell taught me that “people who love you treat you badly.” In both cases I stayed way too long in the marriage because I thought if I could only be good enough I could make them love me enough to treat me kindly. Ugh. Crazy.
Ten years of therapy later, I’m engaged to somebody who is crazy about me, and kind to me, and we are stupid-happy and it is so different from the other times that I keep pinching myself. Really, you will do yourself a huge favor to see somebody to work through whatever issues you have from your parents’ marriage and learn what a healthy relationship can and should be like.
Anon
Not divorced, but I have two thoughts from different sides of this coin.
1) My friend married her childhood sweetheart at City Hall a few months before their big blowout wedding was planned, and ignored a lot of red flags because they were fixated on making their parents happy and throwing a big party and having all the status that comes with that. She’d been ignoring that their views on gender roles were just totally incompatible (he wanted a wife who would stay in the kitchen, she’s a very motivated Biglaw attorney), and once that marriage was down on paper, she realized she couldn’t go through with it. They are getting divorced, a few months after their marriage and a few months before what would have been their “wedding.” She says she’s been feeling it coming for months or even years but they’d been together for so long she didn’t know how to get off the wedding train. I’ve seen a few broken engagements and one other divorce within my friend group and they all seem to share this idea that you get married because you’ve been together a few years and you’re in your 20s and it’s just what people do.
2) I married my childhood sweetheart about a year ago. I think I’ve known since I was 15 we belonged together. Just a few weeks after we were engaged, our home was destroyed and we were displaced by a hurricane. I sought therapy for PTSD and when my therapist asked how my fiance had been handling my symptoms, I burst into tears of relief because I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have such a supportive partner and couldn’t imagine going through this alone. This story was completely foreign to my friend who later got divorced, even though on paper their relationship seemed really similar to ours. Not to say that unforeseen things will never happen, but I think there’s a real difference between going into your marriage just because it seems like the next thing you “should” do in your relationship, and going into marriage because you genuinely believe you have a great partnership.
Senior Attorney
Yes to the second paragraph. Somebody posted here recently that you should only get married if your relationship is “hell, yes!” and don’t settle for “why not?” Or something like that. I think that’s great advice.
TK
Got married too young (23) because we’d been together a long time, he really loved me, and I felt bad for stringing him along when I wasn’t that into him. Dumb solution, right?
At the time my thought process was something like, ‘its fine to have a so-so marriage when you have a great job / friends / hobbies to keep you busy.’ We divorced after fewer than 3 years. Never should have gotten married, it was totally unfair to him. I grew more and more distant, he started drinking too much, and one day I got up the nerve to have a super awkward and uncomfortable conversation. Therapy would not have helped.
Really nice guy, I hope he found someone less selfish than my 23-year old self. Somehow I thought I was doing him a favor – what a terrible reason to justify a marriage.
wrinkled flamingo
I have a 100% polyester Zara blouse that absolutely will not get unwrinkled. I’ve tried ironing, steaming, tossing it in the dryer with a damp cloth. Nothing works and it gets even more wrinkled. I guess dry cleaning is the next step? I just wouldn’t think polyester would require that.
Sus
If it’s clean just have the dry cleaners press it.
Cat
Can’t you soak it in water and hang to dry? My 100% poly tops from JCrew are all “hand wash cold, hang dry” and they usually hang dry with almost no wrinkles.
wrinkled flamingo
I’ll try that, thanks!
Talbots ponte
I have a ponte dress from Talbots from 2012 that has looks like new with heavy wear and no babying. I had mine taken in above the waist b/c I am a slight pear (bought a 6 post-partum and a year later I took it in; would try a 4 today).
I have a Nordie’s dress from the dress round up from a year ago that is getting fuzzy (but is cut phenomenally for my slight pear shape — it has made me now an Elegant Pear). Am thinking about deconstructing it so a dressmaker could use it as a pattern (with Talbots ponte fabric).
lsw
I would be fascinated to hear how that goes if you try it. I have a vintage sundress that I love but it has a faint stain on it and, to be honest, I’ve never been a huge fan of the color I just love the fit of the dress so much. I have considered doing the same (taking to a dressmaker to make it into a pattern) but had no idea how that might work.
Frozen Peach
Ditto re: vintage sundress, actually!
Mpls
It would probably mean taking it apart entirely and drafting pattern pieces from the pieces. Vintage dresses may have different construction techniques, which may or may not affect how the dress fits, so someone experiences with those older techniques may be necessary to get the same type of fit.
Basically, it’s going to be pricey (lots of person-hours + specialized expertise) to recreate.
CKB
My mom sees and has done this with simple garments many, many times. I would think that if an average home sewer with no formal training could do it, an experienced seamstress shouldn’t have much of a problem at all. Especially for something like a simple dress.
You may have trouble tracking down the exact Talbot’s ponte, though. Hopefully your seamstress will have a good supplier to help with that.
CDA
Barring something very unusual, a skilled tailor will be able to recreate a garment without deconstruction. Depending on the item, though, and your location, it can get very pricey. Just go ask!
Anon for this
I’ve been at my current company for 10 years. Mid 30s, single, no kids, no debt at all. For years, I have been dreaming of leaving my job and becoming an interior designer, which would require me to go back to school. Lately it’s all I can think about. That is a crazy idea, right? I guess I need help being talked out of this day dream.
Anonymous
Do it! Go to school at night. Don’t just throw money at it — read everything you can, take some online courses to get your feet wet, apply for schools that have night programs, and keep your job until your “side hustle” of being an interior designer pays enough for you to quit.
Anonymous
I know it is gradually getting a different meaning, but “hustle” basically means scam or some kind of criminal activity. Freelance, part-time job, “I consult,” etc all sound so much better to me and more legitimate. It is a dumb pet peeve, and don’t let me stop you from using it if you like it, but argh. It’s one of those terms that makes me cringe.
Anonymous
I completely agree, but was using it in quotes as a short hand instead of explaining that it should begin as a hobby, grow to a part-time (i.e., evenings/weekends) job as OP begins earning income, and should not replace her full-time job until it’s actually a replacement and not just chasing a potentially not-completely-thought-out dream.
signed, Anonymous at 10:05am
Shopping challenged
In some contexts, yes, but other times it just means determined hard work.
Shopping challenged
+1
Lazy lawyer
Not crazy, although I agree with the advice above. A fairly senior lawyer at my former biglaw firm did this when she was caught up in the 2008/2009 layoffs. I didn’t know her personally but I heard from others that she was very happy with the decision and she now has her own business.
lifer
Not crazy!
I agree… start doing courses at night, read like crazy.
FYI – a friend of mine recently left big law in NYC (which she hated), went back to graduate school in music (!!!!), and is now a music professor.
You never know. Now is the time. Life is short.
Anon for this
Thanks everyone. The trouble is…I can’t pay for school so would have to get a student loan and accumulate some debt. I’m nervous about that.
Anonymous
I would be nervous about taking on very much debt for a degree like something in interior design. Sure you might be a huge success and make lots of money, but to me at least, there seem to be a lot more job paths that would be relatively low paying. Not to dissuade, but I would probably see about keeping student loans to manageable amount (maybe $25K or under) as opposed to $100K+ (saying this and not sure what this type of education costs though either).
Sydney Bristow
I don’t know anything about interior design, but is it actually a field that requires a degree? I assume you’re interested in the field because you already have a knack for it. Can you try getting experience (maybe helping friends decorate a room) in order to build a portfolio and start getting referrals? If there are things to learn but an actual degree isn’t necessary, could you learn through books and/or shadowing a designer you know?
Anon
I would discourage you from going the formal schooling route, at least for now. Try “interning” with design firms first or working in a home decor store on the weekends. I know average people who got into doing their average friends’ houses and business grew through word of mouth because they simply have a talent for it. Yes, there is value in getting a degree, but it’s not a requirement for entry into the design world the way it is to finance, law, etc.
Gail the Goldfish
Interior decorating or interior design? Because as SO’s sister found out after she had declared a major, those are actually fairly different.
Anon for this
I understand the difference, which is why I know it’s essential to go to school, and thus my concerns. Interior Design requires a degree, and you can’t operate without one. You need to be licensed (in most states) and be fluent Auto-CAD, Revit, etc.
Leesa
Learn as much as you can (technically, bus dev, client project management and about how the business runs) before taking the plunge. At least you can operate as a decorator until you decide to get the Interior Design degree. That way you are really making an informed decision and can probably skip some classes or get credit for items that you already know.
Little Red
OMG, me too! It’s been an area that’s always really appealed to me. I’ve never had the guts to move forward on realizing this dream of mine. Good luck with making your dream come true.
Shopping challenged
Maybe think of it at first as a hobby. You’re taking a class or two because you’re interested. If you get to a stage where something like an internship is required, see if you can fit it around your current job. I know an interior designer whose day job was designing office spaces, which she hated, so she got a second job evenings and even took a third job with a wedding planner! With all of that, she was finally able to move into a day job she likes, she quit the others, is now almost 30, and has time for a relationship. She kept her day job while getting going on the dream. You could do the same, and let that be the guide to how much you spend on your “hobby” before it starts paying off.
NYtoCO
Has Kat ever responded to the issues that people here routinely complain about? This includes no more edit function and the totally innocent words that trigger moderation. I think that the criticism toward Kat is sometimes overly aggressive, but it sort of baffles me that she hasn’t even addressed the above issues (unless I missed it). Those also seem like very easy issues to fix.
Anonymous
Especially the edit function! does anyone know why it was taken away?
Anonymous
Yes. The edit function was removed because it caused tons of problems on the back end. It required a lot of storage to work and caused usability issues.
Anonny
The edit function was causing the entire s!te to slow down – it was storing old data/iterations in order to enable editing. I really miss that function, too, but she did post about it a while back when the s!te’s backend was overhauled. I don’t speak that language whatsoever, but her explanation of why it went away made sense to me.
AUTOPLAY, however, cripples my computer and still happens (and is happening right.now at the bottom of this comment box). Grr.
NYtoCO
OK, this makes sense. I honestly thought there was no reason it was taken away.
lifer
Yeah, I hear you. This is the only site of all of the ones I visit/post, that has such annoying moderation filters. It is a disincentive to post.
Anonymous
She recently added this language below the commenting box apparently as an attempt to address the moderation complaints:
“On the off chance that your comment goes to moderation, note that a moderation message will only appear if you enter an email address. If you have any questions please check out our commenting policy.”
Based on my experience and what sounds like the experience of many others, “off chance” is being used pretty liberally here. And it still doesn’t address why so many innocuous words trigger moderation.
Cat
Yep. I emailed Kate about it and haven’t heard back yet, but for some reason I am in perma-moderation and every single comment is delayed 20-30 minutes because of it. No clue why, based on the commenting policy. I still comment, but always feel left out of the conversation!
Meow
I like the keyhole in the back of this dress, because it actually manages to not read so much like “flesh window.”
Anon
I just LOLed at “flesh window.”
hoola hoopa
Love “flesh window”.
It’s a pretty purple, but with the button I think it would look bulky with a cardigan over it. And I’m of an age where back cut outs will forever scream BRIDESMAID DRESS.
Best Coast
Gift help! My older brother is graduating with his MBA this spring. He’s taken all of his classes at night while still working, and raising a family. I won’t be attending the graduation. Not only do we live on opposite coasts, he hasn’t invited anyone or made a big deal about it at all. Only our mother is going, most likely because she insisted.
What can I send in the $100 range that would celebrate his achievement? He has already been in the working world for 15 years. He doesn’t really have hobbies.
LondonLeisureYear
A gift card for a dinner out with his wife and money for a sitter so they can go celebrate. Might cost more like 150 though- Sitter for 50 bucks for a sitter 100 for a nice dinner and drinks.
His favorite childhood food/candy/treat sent to his job so he can snack on them without his family stealing them haha.
Does he like the outdoors/go camping? A National Parks Pass for a camping weekend now that he has more free time.
Does he like sports? Baseball tickets?
Does he golf? Gift certificate for a round of golf?
Send him a nice bottle of his favor alcohol with a glass with a cheesy message on it like “Best Older Brother”. You can also order really fun 6 pack assortments of beer if he is more of a beer guy.
Couple massage – because in all likelihood his wife also had to do a lot of juggling with their kids to help him be able to attend night classes so it might be nice to give them both a treat.
Clementine
A really nice bottle of booze, if he drinks. My husband has a special bottle he got when he was in his early 20’s and every time he marks a major life event, he has a celebratory drink and marks the line of the bottle with a permanent marker with the date and the event. He’s done this for college graduation, getting engaged, having a kid, etc.
Clementine
Oh! If you want a more tangible gift, I’ve gotten people who graduated a nice padfolio with Brother McAwesome, MBA printed on the front. Sometimes they come with engravable pens. I see those as the perfect opportunity to put a nickname or initials for something funny on there- it’s very subtle and hard to notice, but if you have a nickname for him that could be good.
MJ
Please don’t put MBA after your name. It would be embarrassing to carry this. Initials = classy.
MBA is a professional title, but people that bandy it about like that are not taken seriously in the business world. It’s different than MD or JD. It just is.
Clementine
Meh. Agree to disagree. I’m not suggesting you put it in your email signature or on your business card, and to me, a subtle imprint on a leather pad folio that really only you see unless somebody else is really all up in your stuff.
(For the record, I don’t include my degree on anything except maybe when I go to Alumni events where it’s standard, but I’d say about 50% of my contacts do.)
Clementine
Argh, edit.
‘to me, a subtle imprint on a leather pad folio that really only you see unless somebody else is really all up in your stuff is really one of the few places it’s appropriate.’
Anonymous
+100…. coming from an MBA
Charmed Girl
Agree completely, don’t put MBA after his name. But a nice leather something would be great. I love the Levenger Executive Notabilia Notebook and cover. The paper is nice and the cover is this great, soft leather. Something a bit different than your typical 8X11 portfolio
I have my MBA from a top 10-15 program and honestly harshly judge those that put those three letters after their name.
Congrats to him for doing this while juggling family and work.
MJ
Yep, I say this as a top-ten MBA holder. Please don’t.
Talbots ponte
Of course he doesn’t have hobbies (anymore): MBA + work + family
But he is still a person — what did he used to like? Fishing? Running? Maybe something little to celebrate the brother you love (AND what he has accomplished). Gift card to his favorite restaurant might be nice for him to just enjoy something he likes as your gift.
hoola hoopa
I also laughed out loud at the ‘no hobbies’ comment. He IS a bit busy!
+1000 to the gift card for a meal out with his wife and a babysitter. Or take-out with the family if that’s more his style. He might also enjoy a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge, etc. I imagine he’d enjoy relaxing with his family.
Anonymous
If the kids are the right age great wolf lodge is a great idea…but not ~$100. One night (without any extras) is $150-200.
Wordy
Just read the story in The Atlantic about middle class debt that was referenced yesterday. I’m surprised none of the commenters brought up the fact that his wife isn’t working and that she was in the dark about their finances. I would feel so, so insecure having a self-employed writer husband (hardly a steady income) and me not working…
anon
Yup. The fact that she quit working because the cost of day care ate her salary, and subsequently had a hard time getting back into the work force, was glossed over in the article. That’s something we talk about all the time here (with varying degrees of civility), and while there are risks and advantages to both paths (daycare/stay home), it’s very possible that short term saving will equate to long term financial stress. It wouldn’t be worth the risk to me, either.
cbackson
Yeah, it seemed nuts to me that his wife left work when the author’s job was “freelance writer.” That seemed a thunderously bad choice to me.
lsw
And hers was “film executive”! When I hear “executive” and “freelance writer” but the second one is the income they decided to depend on…
Anonymous
crazy. I just recently (via layoff) went from making exactly what my husband did to making 20% though part time consulting and staying at home win our 2 kids. It was largely a choice that was made for me, but one our family was shocked by how much we “needed” it.
I manage our finances completely, though DH and I have a working net worth tracker I share with him every few months.
Bonnie
PSA. Huntress rain boots are on sale at Bloomingdale’s and you also get a $25 reward: http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/hunter-rain-boots-huntress-extended-calf?ID=557120&CategoryID=4841&LinkType=#fn%3Dspp%3D66
Anon
This is a beautiful dress
Question about food allergies. I love shellfish but it doesn’t seem to love me. I don’t get hives or swelling or breathing issues, but I do usually get stomach upset when eating shellfish. I have noted this with crab, lobster, clams, mussels and oysters. So both crustaceans and mollusks.
Does anyone else experience this? Would you call it a food sensitivity or an allergy? I shared this with my doctor once and he said “well don’t eat those things then” but I’m curious about what’s causing them. And I love shellfish.
BB
I have this! But it only triggers if I eat a large amount of shellfish (maybe it triggers something mild at low amounts and I just don’t notice). And by large I mean when I do my summer weekend splurge of 2 small lobsters and 2 lbs of clams (yay, Maine!) :) I’m running to the bathroom about 2 hours after.
I generally have IBS that gets triggered by all manner of things (although the shellfish is worse than say beans), and honestly, I just deal with the symptoms (anywhere from bloating to diarrhea) because I love food and I love eating all sorts of things. The GI doctor I went to said that there’s no long term damage (I don’t have celiac’s) if I do this, and life’s too short! :)
Blonde Lawyer
You may have already considered this but could your issue be the butter you are dipping the shellfish in? You could try using a vegan “butter” to see if it makes a difference.
Obviously, listen to your doc and not an internet stranger but just as an FYI some true allergies manifest initially as vomiting or diarrhea and later become anaphalactic style allergies. Do the severity of my reaction, my doc considers my GI distress from avocados an allergy while my GI distress from gluten/dairy is an intolerance. The former usually requires a trip to the ER w/ IVs and anti-emetic shots. The latter I can usually deal with at home w/ a bathroom, heating pad and OTC meds.
Anonymous
Yup! I’d say it’s the butter or sauce (usually mussels are served with some sort of sauce or broth, yes?). But yeh…if you don’t feel well then don’t eat it, or just in very small quantities.
BB
Definitely not the sauce as I eat them “plain”, no butter or anything. And I’m not worried enough about it to really stop doing it. It’s usually one bad trip to the bathroom and then I’m fine (sorry for the TMI) I guess if I notice it getting worse, I might consider going back to the doctor.
Anon in NYC
I noticed that I have a sensitivity to dairy. I can still eat it and don’t have a serious reaction but if I eat too much of it, like having cereal with milk every morning, I have GI issues. I don’t really consider this a “true” food allergy because I can still eat dairy. I’m just a little sensitive to it. I’ve heard that people can develop allergies (food and otherwise) over time, though, so I’m just chalking it up to that.
Clementine
Are you just lactose intolerant? Far far more people are lactose intolerant than mildly allergic/reactive to the proteins in milk. Lactose is the sugar in milk. It’s high in stuff like milk, cream cheese, american cheese, ice cream, sour cream, and regular cream. It’s very low/absent in stuff like yogurt, kefir, and hard/aged cheeses.
If it’s just lactose intolerance, you can easily get Lactaid pills for the times you either want to eat dairy or accidentally eat dairy (shakes fist at the soup that didn’t look like it had cream in it).
Anon in NYC
Perhaps it is. It really is just a low-level of sensitivity. It doesn’t bother me to occasionally drink cows milk in my coffee or eat cream cheese on my bagel. But I can’t do it every day. I’m fortunate in that it really doesn’t seem to affect me all that much.
Anonymous
And for most of the world, lactose-intolerance is something that just happens as you age. European-descent groups tend to preserve their ability to digest lactose into adulthood, but for most of the planet, lactose is digestible during childhood and then people grow out of it.
Another finance thread
TLDR: Were/are you able to maintain a decent savings rate with children in daycare?
Last night, I came to the realization that we are basically living paycheck to paycheck on a household income over $250k. We have an emergency fund (smaller than I’d like, only around $30k) and an investment account, but aside from maxing our 401ks, we haven’t been able to significantly add to our savings in years. We have 2 kids in daycare and one on the way, and will need a larger car once #3 arrives. Plus daycare costs obviously increasing.
We live in a HCOL area and daycare + mortgage eats up 55% of our take-home pay every month. I need to take a closer look at spending, but I’m pretty sure cutting discretionary purchases can’t account for the ~$1800/month increase in expenses that will hit with the third kid in daycare, not to mention unpaid time off for parental leave. I’m thinking I have to cut the 401k contributions a little to boost our savings and make ends meet. I know that sounds insane given our income. Is this just life with daycare-age kids, or am I being hopelessly irresponsible? Any sane recommendations for cutting costs? I’m not going the Mr Money Mustache route of selling my house and cars, extreme couponing, and making my own laundry detergent.
SuziStockbroker
A nanny may be more cost effective than 3 children in daycare. In my area a nanny is cheaper than 3 in daycare.
el capitan
this. we paid 2600 a month for 2 kids in daycare in HCOL burbs. when third came and estimated daycare was 4000 that was plenty to get a nanny for 3 years.
Another finance thread
Thanks, I thought about that, but we would want the older kids to stay in preschool at least part days for the social aspect, which would bring the cost right back up again. We had a pretty bad experience with a previous nanny and love our daycare, so I’m gun-shy about going the nanny route again. Although, the convenience would be amazing…
Take home pay is a little over $10k/month. I should look at our tax withholding, too, now that I’m doing the math. We got a sizeable refund this year and should get one again with another income dip for parental leave period coming up.
Anonymous
What are you doing with that big tax refund? If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, it should all go into savings.
OP
It did. Replenished the dip from some costly home maintenance and unpaid parental leave last year.
Diana Barry
+1000. Actually, nanny is cheaper than 2 in daycare – we live near BOS and our friends with 2 were paying their daycare $50K+ with 2 in, we paid our nanny more like $38K for 3 kids. Reliability is key, but I find our nanny so much better than having to take a sick day or 2 every time one of our kids is sick.
Anonymous
What’s your after-tax, after-401K household income? I’m guessing it’s at least $12K/month if you make $250K+ pre-tax. Daycare and mortgage eating 55% doesn’t sound that crazy in a high cost of living area, but I’m not sure where the other 45% is going…Assuming a monthly post-tax post-retirement income of $12K, that’s more than $5K a month. That’s a lot to be spending each month beyond your childcare and housing expenses. Start by making a budget and figuring out where it’s all going. I don’t think you need to make your own laundry detergent but maybe you need to cut back your spending on clothes or meals out or whatever else you’re spending $5K/month on.
Anonymous
That goes fast – insurance, car, property taxes, food, home repairs for a family of 5 is easily close to that.
KateMiddletown
While I hate when ppl on this s!te get too numbers-crunchy re: financial questions, I also agree that you should at least start tracking your spending. Mint.com is my favorite – my budget is pretty fungible but I like to know what I’ve been spending on. You don’t have to go whole hog. Look at where you WANT to be spending your money and let that determine where you actually DO spend. (FWIW I hate Mr. Money Mustache because his advice seems so judgy and impractical for most.)
Anonymous
Based on recent threads, you’ll probably get some attacking, so I feel the need to reach out immediately and tell you that I am in almost exactly the same boat – except we have one fewer child and are probably good at the moment on cars. That said, between our mortgage (which is reasonable and could be afforded on one salary assuming no daycare costs), daycare costs, and student loans, we immediately wipe out a ton of our take-home pay. We similarly fully fund our 401(k)s and have a savings account that is relatively similar to yours, pay a little to 529 each month, no consumer debt. Just can’t quite get ahead on savings. I know it’s not stellar and yes, I would love to have more in savings, but I think this is just my life for a couple more years. Thank goodness for public school!
+1
We are in the same boat as well, except we recently had a car (1999) die on us and needed to purchase a second car. We hear so much about the high cost of higher education, but no one seems to be similarly crying out about the cost of childcare. I’ve done the math: I could pay for my two kids to go to StateU (excluding room and board) for less than I pay in childcare, and I didn’t have 18 years to save for childcare. Ugh. 2.5 years until the youngest hits public K, and then I hope to get everything back on track.
Anonymous
Yes, this! Esp. in HCOL areas. Our daycare costs exceed our mortgage. And also exceed the costs of attending our in-state college option (by a lot). Assuming they actually go in-state to college, at least this means I won’t have to worry a lot about how to pay for it!
OP
Yup, daycare is $3k /month (for 2, it will be around 4k once 3rd kid starts). Mortgage is around $2300.
My entire undergrad education cost less than I’ll pay for daycare next year (hooray, scholarships!).
AKB
This is me. We max out our 401ks and have a small amount of savings, but our housing and child care costs eat up a lot. I think it’s normal for the most expensive period of our lives. My take is that my children will transition out of day care very soon, and then I can move that spending into savings. Some of that money will go towards care and activities, but most of it will be money in the bank.
ANON
Yes- a nanny would be most cost effective for three. Also a little more flexible with start and end times. We have two kids in daycare and the 5:30 pickup is really killing us.
Anonymous
Things changed dramatically for us, financially speaking, when the day-care years were over. For now I’d do what you have to in order to cover costs, and get back on track when child #1 goes to kindergarten…
I will say that I am pretty worried about what will happen when my child goes to college and I hit that other child-related, extremely expensive phase of life…
ace
In a local moms group, we’ve been calling this the “daycare raise.” I’m looking forward to part 1 next year and part 2 in 2 years :)
KateMiddletown
No, I definitely wasn’t. I put in minimal amounts into 401k, etc, and I was particularly hampered by my FSA contributions schedule being a little clumsy, too. Now that my kid is in public school (for now), I have been able to sock away more.
On the bright side, daycare costs make college look affordable.
lifer
I would suggest figuring out where you money is going. It is really enlightening. Just spend a couple hours this weekend and put the numbers on paper. Either use mint, or simply make a list of your actually monthly fixed expenses, and then for a few months be mindful of where the extra cash/credit card charges are going.
Your resistance to basic cost savings indicated by your last sentence is really telling….. I suspect you are blowing quite a bit of $$ on the small things. Also, consider the lifestyle choices you are passing on to your kids as you “refuse” to make basic changes that can save a lot of money and perhaps pass on to your kids good guidelines about what is important.
It’s always great if you can think of ways to cut down recurring expenses. Negotiating lower prices for cell phones, internet, insurance are easy things that often only require a little research online and a phone call. Being more modest in eating out can save a lot.
Keep enjoying your home/cars if that is important to you, but those are the largest expenses that can be altered. Big homes, mean big utility costs and big repair/furniture/maintenance costs.
Also agree with the Nanny.
Anonymous
Refusing to make her own laundry detergent is going to give her kids the wrong impression? I grew up using Tide, I still use Tide. I don’t think my child is going to have an entitlement issue simply because I use Tide.
There are limits people.
Anonymous
No, spending huge amounts of money on unnecessary things is giving her kids the wrong impression. Food, household essentials and utilities for a family of four doesn’t cost anywhere near $5K a month even in a HCOL area.
Runner 5
I grew up in a wealthy household that used off-brand detergent. I still use off-brand detergent. It’s a cost that’s zero pain to cut.
KateMiddletown
Unless you are a P&G stockholder like literally everyone in my town.
a lawyer
I make my own laundry detergent and actually prefer it greatly to any other. It’s easy, ridiculously inexpensive, and largely fragrance free (a real issue for me)!
CMC
I make my own laundry detergent. I spent maybe $15 for the ingredients three years ago, still have plenty of all of them. Took maybe an hour total to make (then you let it sit overnight and bottle the next day). $15 for over three years of detergent instead of $15 per large bottle of detergent is a no brainer for my budget.
Saver
Do you mind sharing your recipe?
AKB
Utilities for us are about $1k – this includes cell phone, cable and internet, life insurance payments, plus all the normal stuff
Food and household are a little under $2k – I cook 5 dinners a week and pack lunches for my kids. We eat take out 2x a week – nothing crazy, pizza or Chinese. Diapers, wipes, other kids stuff, etc – it all adds up. This also includes a housekeeper 1x a week which is a must for the health of my marriage. (DH is a slob.)
Spending money: $1.6k My husband and I each get $200 per week for “walking around money”. This covers eating out (non-take out), clothes, vacation fund, gifts, toys or other fun stuff for the kids, basically any non-essential item.
I’m sure that there are ways we can cut. But frankly, we hustle all the time. I want to enjoy my life and not pinch pennies to get more into savings, when I know in a couple years things will even out. I don’t think I am passing along a bad impression to my kids. No credit card debt. Max out retirement. A little money left over for savings. I am Team Good Enough.
I admire people who budget more strictly. Kudos to them. But I don’t think I’m doing all that bad either.
anon
Oh, come on…. making your own laundry detergent is not “basic cost savings.” OP’s resistance to that variety of cost savings tells me nothing other than that she is sane. I also think that a lot of people really do enjoy having homes and cars.
“Basic cost savings” is things like cutting cable you don’t watch, checking for auto-subscriptions to services you no longer use, brown-bagging lunch, reducing your professional cleaning from 2x month to one…
OP
Our house is about 1300 sqft. The price comes from the location, and the location is crucial to us having reasonable commutes… our utilities are high for the sqft, though, and I’m not sure what’s up with that. Trust me, if you saw my home decorating, you wouldn’t think that’s where I’m blowing my lifestyle budget! :) We have one car payment, and it’s $350; the other one car is 10 years old and has 200k miles on it. I agree we’re probably spending more on incidentals than we realize, but we rarely eat out or buy nice things (see also: 2 young children) and are not living large by any stretch of the imagination. Life & car insurance, car payment, gas, parking at work, utilities, cable, cell phones and groceries (could probably cut back on all of those a little bit) account for at least another 2.5-3k just off the top of my head. That still leaves a lot unaccounted for. I’m going to find time to take a closer look soon.
You’re right, though, there are things I’m unwilling to compromise on. I could give up the family YMCA membership, biweekly housecleaner and the high school kid who mows our lawn, but I firmly believe I’m a better mom, wife, employee, and a happier person in general because of those. My husband could give up his somewhat expensive hobbies (maybe another $300/month), but they make him a happier person, too. I don’t mind the message that’s sending my kids. FWIW, we have no consumer debt. We’re not living beyond our means, which I agree is a bad example to set, we’re just not managing to save much at this point in our lives and I was wondering if that is normal. I really appreciate the people who chimed in to say they’re in the same boat! And the reality checks, too, although I know I’m starting to sound defensive at this point.
Anonymous
Unless you are saving up for something (new house?) then chose for a bit. You have a decent emergency fund, add to it when you can. But if it isn’t important/necessary to you to beef it up, keep the housekeeper and the hobbies for your husband. If you lay awake at night worrying about the state of your emergency fund, then you have to make the harder cuts (lawn service, housekeeping, hobbies, etc). But that’s an individual decision.
anon
I have three kids and live in a HCOL area – we did cut down our 401(k) contributions after each kid temporarily. If you’ve been maxing out, you’re likely well on track, and the thing to remember is that the cut is temporary – when the kids are out of daycare, your salaries are likely to go up, bonuses, etc., you will likely be able to bump it back up.
Oil in Houston
you know, reading all your comments you seem to be doing fine. I think it just comes with the territory of having young kids. It will get better once they start school, provided they go to a free/cheap one!
OP
Thank you all for the reassurance, suggestions, and promise of the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re definitely planning to send our kids to public schools, and I’ve already looked into our local elementary school’s before and after-care. It has great reviews, and only around $500 a month per child. I can’t wait.
Opal
I think you’re doing fine. You could deprioritize the things that “save” your marriage and save more cash, but what’s the trade off? I’d rather miss 4 years of intense saving for those “save your marriage services” while the kids are in daycare than cancel all of them and fight/resent DH for that period of time.
Your priorities are what they are (and they are also the same as mine, FWIW). The situation is temporary so long as you are diligent about moving that daycare tuition right into savings once they start phasing out of that requirement. Keep it up!
Gail the Goldfish
If you think your utility bills are high relative to your sq ft, check your utility bill against your meter and make sure the numbers match–they could be using estimated usage instead of reading meters. I once discovered that, because I lived in an apartment building and the utility company couldn’t access the meter, they were estimating the usage based on previous year’s amounts (with previous tenants). It was much more than our actual usage and we got a nice refund. Supposedly they do schedule access a couple of times a year to check the meters, but I’m skeptical… (ConEd was the worst)
SSJD
Could you get an au pair instead of paying for daycare? It’s much cheaper. You do need to have room for them to live in your home.
Sarabeth
Mostly, I think you should calm down. You have a 30k emergency fund and an investment account, and max your 401ks. That’s not the kind of paycheck-to-paycheck that the Atlantic article yesterday was about. The season of three kids in daycare will be over soon enough, and you’ll be able to increase your savings then. It’s ok not to be saving more than your 401ks for five years or so.
Anonymous
Yes. This is not living pay check to pay check at all. Really in poor taste to be using that language to describe your extremely well-off family.
It’s not rocket science. If you want to save more, you must spend less. Since you refuse to consider downsizing your house or cars and aren’t interested in tracking your spending or cost savings, it will be hard for you.
OP
Sorry, if I offended you. I meant it in the sense of money in = money out; I absolutely know that we are well-off compared to a majority of people, and I wouldn’t pose a question like this to people who truly live paycheck-to-paycheck in the sense of worrying whether they could pay their bills every month. That’s why I posted it here; I wanted to know whether our situation is normal or concerning in the context of a two-career household in a HCOL area, and thiss1te has a decent sample size for that.
lifer
Fair enough. Just remember, you are in the 1% range, even though you live in a HCOL area. It basically comes down to choices. You know your limits, and you are still doing very well overall. Just do a quick budget to remind yourself where $ is going, do a little homework to save a few bucks where it is easy to do so, and then continue doing the splurge things that truly make life better for you. Only you can decide if you want this sort of lifestyle long term as the kids grow up. Many/most cannot afford the lifestyle they truly desire in Manhattan, although I would do it in a second if I was a multi-millionaire!
Honestly, I get so wrapped up with life that it is easy to ignore these very important topics, so good for you for even thinking about it. They say we spend more time planning our vacations than we doing planning our finances. Probably that should be flipped!
KateMiddletown
I don’t take any issue with the idea about money in = money out. Each $ should have a job to do– you don’t want to have a bunch of lazy money sitting around. Your budget encompasses a ton of saving right now (401ks). When you’re looking at the budget make sure you realize the slice that goes to pre-tax stuff as well as taxes – that’s the other large slice that most people overlook.
ORD
Yes, and it was great once my kids entered school and that daycare payment was over. I rerouted the daycare payment to college savings — 529 plans.
Anonymous
Track your spending. I was downright shocked how much we spent on food since we don’t eat out much! But I was able to cut our grocery/misc bill from 1100/mo to 600/mo by doing some meal planning and stocking up on paper towels/diapers etc on same. Also reduced pizza/take out to one every two weeks vs weekly (about $100/no savings).
Anon
To answer your question, yes! We added very little to savings other than 401k while our kids were in daycare/preschool. I was SO happy when my older kid started public school and then overjoyed when her little brother followed.
Our savings caught up once we were settled into the elementary school lifestyle, even with after school care for both of them.
In the meantime, both of our incomes went up (as they typically do over time) and out expenses didn’t increase that much – same house, same transportation and utility costs- so we were able to save more.
Now we can even take pretty nice vacations, which would have been out of the question when we were spending so much on daycare.
This too shall pass! I think you’re dong fine if you’re keeping up with the 401k
The one suggestion I have is to start 529 accounts for each of your kids. Even if you can only put in $50/month to each, it’s a good thing to start. I started mine with auto payments from my bank account and slowly increased my monthly contributions over time. I also added some lump sums when I got a nicer than expected bonus. My kids are middle school aged now and I’m pleased with how good the balances look.
hoola hoopa
You’re definitely not alone. We have three kids (two in daycare, one in aftercare) and live in a HCOL area. We earn about half your pre-tax income, but we aren’t even remotely close to maxing out our 401k.
If you do not have several months in emergency savings, do temporarily switch funds from the 401k to an emergency savings account.
Definitely track your spending! Wasted groceries, meals (lunches!) out, random target and amazon purchases, vacations, children’s activities. They all add up quickly! I’m confident that you can find expenses that you could eliminate and move into savings. Pay savings first. We put our discretionary spending money in a separate debit account so that we know when the money is gone, which works really well for us. It’s like the cash envelop system.
Couch potato
Favorite at-home workout? Could be a DVD, or streaming video, or what have you. I need some inspiration. Thanks.
KateMiddletown
youtube: Tone it up or Yoga with Adrienne.
CountC
Adrienne is the only yoga instructor I have been able to handle. She rocks.
CMC
Third! Love her, especially as a yoga beginner.
Blonde Lawyer
Ruthless DVD series. 20 minutes.
Blonde Lawyer
Also, if you mean can do without getting in a car rather than can do in your actual house – bike riding is my favorite.
anon
I stream Denise Austin — I did her 10-week program last year and was in great shape by the end of it; now I do the $10/month plan & have access to all her workouts online.
Anon8
Fitness Blender on You Tube.
X
I recently found the Best Abs Fitness, Best Arms Fitness and Best Butt Fitness apps for my phone. You choose the length of the workout and the length of the interval between each exercise. And the app can even be set up to alert you that it’s time to workout on specific days…
Couch potato
Thanks for the replies!
Anon
Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Windsor Pilates (though the video seems kind of outdated now, haha. It is still a great workout.) I also like to do random kickboxing, yoga, and barre workouts on youtube.
Email to Call
I frequently receive emails at work that say some iteration of “Please call me to discuss XYZ.” It frustrates me that the person doesn’t just call me– why add a step to this process by sending me an email and telling me to call them? I tried to give this approach the benefit of the doubt; maybe they are emailing me so I can call them when I find it convenient. But you know what else I can do when it’s convenient? Return their phone call.
I’ve started responding with “Give me a call at 555-5555 whenever you like” (even if they already have my number). Should I just get over it? These emails are not from superiors, yet they have an element of telling me what to do, which I think is part of what bothers me.
Anonymous
Is this the work version of texting someone before calling them, to be sure it’s a convenient time?
Coach Laura
Yes, sometimes I do this and list a, b and c issues for discussion. I don’t want to call and catch them at a bad time or when they are unprepared, especially for contentious issues. But I usually say “how about 1p.m.” or “please name another time that works for you.”
Blonde Lawyer
I love this. I can get the file pulled, refresh my memory and actually sound articulate on the call.
Anon
Agree with BL – I HATE being blind-sided with a substantive question – I feel like it wastes everyone’s time when we all know I will be unable to provide advice on that call and will have to schedule another call/time to do so after I’ve gathered my thoughts and information.
jumpingjack
I will send this after I’ve called and the person didn’t answer. I hate listening to (and leaving) voicemails so it’s my voicemail alternative. I’d also appreciate getting this email over a cold call with a substantive question – it gives me time to prepare.
Email to Call
These are all good points. Sometimes that is why they are emailing. A LOT of them, though, are “give me a call when you can” and then the person tells me “I think we’re going to need a few extra days on the so-and-so project, I just wanted to let you know.” Nothing substantive– in fact, nothing they couldn’t have put in the original “give me a call” email. I’ll be less judgy of the ones that give me a chance to prep for a substantive question. And I’ll continue to be annoyed with the other kind. Thank you all for the input!
Jennifer
Yeah- they are phrasing it this way for your benefit, not to tell you what to do.
Because you asked, yes, you should just get over it. There are different expectations around phone call response times and email response times at most places, it is just part of office culture.
Anonymous
Any other ClassPass users get the e-mail that the unlimited membership option is going up by $45/mo (currently $95 to $140 in my city)? Staying at the current rate will now mean a cap of 10 classes per month.
I’ve increasingly not been able to get into any of the classes I want, as it seems they only allow one CP person in and then the class shows as “full” on the CP app (but dozens of seats remain if you look directly at the studio’s booking app). I’m probably just going to start buying packages directly with the studios. I only do classes as strength training to supplement my running, so it was already borderline as a good deal for me.
Anonymous
I quit ClassPass after it got harder and harder to get into the classes in which I was interested, and I could no longer justify the cost. I just bought some packages at my favorite studio(s) and called it quits.
DC Anon
No, what city are you in?
Anonymous
I’m in Dallas. I just read some comments on the CP Facebook page and saw they announced the increase in Boston a few days ago–going from $119 to $150 for existing members, and new signups will be $180 ($150 for new here).
Old Millenial
I just saw $180 for Boston on their s!te. Holy moly!! Coming full circle to my “broke” millennial friends discussion from yesterday, A LOT OF THEM pay butt loads for their boutique gyms/yoga/etc, and some pay per class (even MORE expensive), and go multiple times a week because they don’t like the commitment of a membership.
Get a pair of shoes and go for a walk. Working out and being healthy should not be this expensive!!!!
…. end rant….
emeralds
I see where you’re coming from. But as someone who is prioritizing the boutique workout studio at this point–it’s important for my physical, and crucial for my mental, health to have a solid workout routine. Running does not consistently work in my life right now. Neither the Y or the Gold’s near me have classes that I would want to go to, at times that work in my schedule. Lifting is not my jam. So I make the $100+ per month happen, despite my tight budget.
So no, working out does not HAVE to be expensive as my workout currently is. But given the choice between paying $$/month for a workout that I love, that I will do happily 5 days a week, and paying $0-40/month for the opportunity to hate going to the gym or not go running, I will pony up the $$.
Old Millenial
Not judging at all the use of boutique gyms. I go to one myself and I love it, but saying (not that you do, but as some friends & coworkers of mine do) that said extremely expensive boutique gym/box/studio is the ONLY PLACE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF FITNESS where they can get a good workout in, and therefore is a must-have in their allegedly super tight budgets, is a big fat lie. There is this keeping up with the super-fit-joneses in gyms/fitness these days that I see and it’s just unnecessary.
Man I sound like my parents. I’m 31, overweight and concerned about my own health, so it’s not as if fitness/weight/body image this isn’t something I struggle with on my own, FWIW.
Bri
Re-posting to see if there are any additional suggestions: Any recommendations for nicer quality sleepwear/pajamas? I’m looking to spend between $100-$200, and prefer pants or long gown/robe over shorts. Basically I’m looking for something soft that doesn’t look terrible, since I need to upgrade from 15 year old college tees. Thank you!
Susan
Have you looked at Garnet Hill? They have some lovely sleepwear.
SSJD
I find good options at Nordstrom Rack. They have brands like BedHead, Kinsey, PJ Salvage, Munki Munki, etc. You can browse the Sleepwear online or go to the store.
lucy stone
I like Soma Cool Nights, which are less expensive than your price range but wear well and are comfortable.
MJ
Eberjey. And also DKNY makes a line of jammy separates that are heavenly.
Garnet Hill. Brooks Brothers.
lawsuited
+ 1 the DKNY seven easy pieces pyjama separates are the softest garments known to man.
Anonymous
Natori
Maddie Ross
Anthropologie always has the softest sleepwear.
Bri
Thanks!
profmama
Life is good pants & tees – so soft, so cute!
Garnet Hill fits really weird, and the elastic doesn’t hold up.
anon for this
Can anyone talk about making the change from working in the private sector to working for the government? Culture, pay, benefits, etc. are all of interest. IANAL, but I think some of the major changes would still apply. Thanks in advance!
Anon
Not a surprise, but there are so many bureaucratic levels that sometimes it’s better to check the news than to wait for a notice from management. This occurred during the 2013 shutdown and last year’s threats of a shutdown.
KateMiddletown
Has anyone had to use a mouthguard for grinding teeth? My insurance won’t cover so my dentist said to just try one at CVS. It seems like there are a ton of brands – any favorites?
Maddie Ross
Yes, I do. I have a fancy fitted one from my dentist, but it actually isn’t perfect right now because it’s not been adjusted since I got my last crown. In the meantime, I use one from CVS. I’m partial to the “Dentek” brand – they are cheap and easy to mold. It feels a bit off at first, but I don’t mind it. The only thing about the CVS ones is that you may need to replace occasionally depending on how much you grind. My dentist one seems to have lasted longer, but it’s a different material.
anonymous
I got one off amazon and read through reviews. I don’t remember what brand, but I found reviews really helpful.
el capitan
I like the doctor’s nightguard. I’ve tried a bunch of brands and this one doesnt make me gag. I actually did get a fancy one from my dentist but I ground my way through it in only 8 months (and it was $150 still!) so I’ve reverted to the doctor’s nightguard on subscription from amazon.
Anonymous
I had one from the dentist back when I was still covered under my parents’ insurance, and another one from Amazon more recently (no insurance when you work contracts whee!). The one from the dentist was definitely better quality and more comfortable since it was made from a custom mold, but they worked basically the same and I was pleased with the results. I grind my teeth/clench my jaw during times of intense stress, and I find after using it at night for a few weeks my jaw learns how to relax and I can stop using it…until the next time I’m stressed.
CMC
I like “The Doctor’s Nightguard”. Easy to fit, does a good job, costs maybe $20. I replace them every 6-9 months.
yes
I like the Dentek brand one from the drugstore. I have a small mouth and this works well for me.
Easterly - please help
My company just launched a new internal phonebook that requires you to fill out your “passions.” Our top boss is pressuring us to complete this NOW.
I hate this. My life outside of work is lonely and depressing. All I want to do when I go home is sleep. I had passions at one point but I don’t have the time or energy or inclination for them anymore. And seeing my co-workers’ responses just highlights how empty my own life currently is and makes me want to curl up in a ball.
I have to put something. What do I do?
Cc
At least half your coworkers are exaggerating. This is your “what’s your greatest weakness question- you don’t say it’s sometimes watching Netflix for 12 hours in a row while using your belly as a table. You say sometimes you get hyper focused but have learned to effectively prioritize blah blah. Just put what your passions used to be or use the generics if they fit- trying out new recipes (no need to specify that it’s seeing if you can use cheese as a vehicle for more cheese), being out in nature, reading, staying up to date on current world events (I’m counting Kate Middletons outfits here)
Hang in there
anon
“no need to specify that it’s seeing if you can use cheese as a vehicle for more cheese”
….. were you watching me last Friday night…?
;)
Anon
Like Facebook, this is an instance where these people are able to present the best versions of themselves. So a) don’t think they all have the fabulous life they say they do on paper, and b) do the same thing – lie, exaggerate, whatever makes you feel better. And then whatever you’ve put down – start doing, because it probably reflects what you would LIKE to be passionate about. And hang in there!
Anonymous
You don’t have to have true life-dominating passions, just list a few things you kind of like, like everyone else is probably doing. Travel, art appreciation, reading, etc. Do you think all those travel lovers are that passionate about it if they’re going to the Jersey shore or taking Caribbean cruise once a year? Eh. They just like vacation, like everyone else.
Also, you should reach out for help. I’m sorry your life outside of work is lonely and depressing. Perhaps talking to a doctor or looking into therapy could help.
Senior Attorney
Just make something up. Or put your former passions. They’re not going to give you a lie-detector test! ;)
And then yes, get some help. You don’t have to feel like this!
NOLA
I am evil. I would just say that my passion is napping.
Anon
Like Facebook, this is an instance where these people are able to present the best versions of themselves. So a) don’t think they all have the fabulous life they say they do on paper, and b) do the same thing – lie, exaggerate, whatever makes you feel better. And then whatever you’ve put down – start doing, because it probably reflects what you would LIKE to be passionate about. And hang in there!
cbackson
I once listed “training raccoons to steal office supplies” as a hobby.
Blonde Lawyer
Optimistic people tend to forget how long it has been since they have truly focused on their passions. I was talking to someone recently and mentioned how much I love to ski and that I started getting into hiking too. Later my husband was joking about me calling myself an avid skier. Sure, I used to be an expert with a season pass that spent multiple days/week on the slopes. But I think post law school, so almost 7 years, I’ve been less than 5 times and none last year. I think I’ve been on two “real” hikes (more than 4000 feet) and another handful of strenuous nature hikes. I view life as glass half full. My husband’s more of a realist. He’d probably feel like you and if he was responding (as me, he doesn’t ski) he’d probably lament how he never skis anymore and can’t call it a hobby with a straight face …
hoola hoopa
Ditto everyone to just list what you maybe would be passionate about if you were in a place in life that facilitated following passions, and that the vast majority of your colleagues did the same so don’t bother feeling inadequate.
We have this same thing in our intranet, but it’s strictly voluntary. It’s empty for most people, because seriously how many adults with full time jobs and home commitments are following their passions on a regular basis? The template for introduction emails for new hires includes one sentence about what they do in their free time, and that seriously causes panic in most people. So really, don’t stress.
Anonymous
I’m have a weird life period where in the last six months, a fairly important cluster of people in my life have said crazy things to me in private (that they either have or absolutely would deny in front of other people) or have lied about me. In case you can’t tell, I practice in a small southern town with lots of family close by.
Funniest example first – Our preacher changed his mind on sending his son to a certain camp (for which I am the liason for our region) a week before it was scheduled to start. Registration ended four months prior during which they were adamant he would not go. He said to me “well, I want him to go, so I’m just going to call and explain that you messed up and didn’t include him and that we thought he was registered all along.” Whose preacher just tells you to your face they are going to lie about you?
My BIL said to me during a rare moment when we were the only people in the room that essentially he wishes I didn’t exist, that as far as he was concerned I was not part of the family, and he didn’t see any reason we ever needed to talk. Except then in extended family gatherings he goes out of his way to say how much he misses us and wishes me and husband and he and SIL could all get together.
My SIL (married to BIL, husband’s brother) basically said the same thing to me a month later, except also told me that she’s miserable with BIL, wishes she’d never married him, and hated all of his family. SIL goes out of her way to invite us to things, say she will come over to play with our kids (in front of them), etc during extended family gatherings.
FWIW, we get along with the other two brothers and also all of my family fine.
My MIL said to me in private that “quite frankly”, she did not want my husband to be the one to inherit the family business and she would do “whatever it takes” to make sure that “the son that deserved it” (the BIL, of course) received everything and “[husband] needed to be looking for another job”. In front of employees, etc, she recently burst into tears about “why were [husband and I] thinking of leaving the family business when all she wanted was for her sons to work together.”
Husband and I have tried to address this both together and him individually and it is met with complete and utter denial, and then “why would [me] say that about us? Of course we wouldn’t say that. We really want to try to get along with her.” So in front of extended family looks like I am a b*tch. And honestly, if I wasn’t experiencing it personally, it really doesn’t sound like the sort of thing a person actually says outside of daytime soap dramas.
Also, unrelated to that family nexus, I have had FOUR clients in the past six months accuse me of lying, or promising something that didn’t happen. In the previous six years I only have one client do that before. All four are totally extreme allegations, as in, they could have filed bar complaint allegations. I spend probably two hours every day now basically putting every interaction that I have into cya memorandums.
Yesterday I listened to a co-worker put off a mistake that he had made onto me. Thankfully, I had the documentation to show I had done everything, but WTF? And when our firm has to deal with multiple client allegations (thankfully, all four have been shown to be false), then it makes them more likely to believe when someone else says I’ve screwed up.
I guess this is more of a rant than a request for advice. It just seems like somehow, after a lifetime of good friendships and a great family and professional success, in the last six months either (1) I’ve gotten a brain tumor and am acting terrible and forgetting all kinds of things, or (2) ________________________. Feel free to fill in that blank with what I can explain to myself when I lay awake at night ruminating on this.
Cc
Have you asked your husband his opinion? Does he have any feedback- esp regarding his family? The thing that jumps out at me are these are all different groups- it’s not just a situation with a pack mentality. In paragraph seven you mention extended family. Are you trying to confront them in front of a large group? why would you look like a b Tch in front of extended family? What were you trying to address?
I don’t really know what advice to give to be honest. I think therapy might be a good outlet to at least run some stuff by an unbiased third party.
Anonymous
My husband agrees that this kind of behavior has cropped up over the years with his immediate family, especially with his mother, where they say one thing in private and deny it in public.
He’s addressed it in the moment, e.g. “SIL, you say you want to get together, but you have rejected the last 13 invitations that my wife sent you and simply no-showed for one. When would be good for you?” Then she denies that, says “I’d love for you to come this Wednesday at 6PM for dinner”, and when we show up, nobody is home.
He confronted BIL privately and BIL denied it.
In front of extended family they drop statements here and there to suggest or say outright they wish they could be closer with us (because we actually live less than 2 miles apart), when the reality is outside of being in front of a group of people, they refuse to have contact with me or us as a couple.
His family is pretty crazy, and if it were that alone, I’d probably be fine. The idea that in the same short period as this both clients, co-workers, and even the gosh darn preacher have all said untrue things to or about me has made me feel like WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? Have I suddenly turned into a dishonest, immoral person after a lifetime of happiness? I really do keep coming back to whether I have a brain tumor and I don’t know what I’m saying or experiencing.
Anonymous
Definitely don’t bother extending invites to SIL anymore. It’s obviously not a sincere invite. She asks about getting together? Response; “that sounds great, text me when you know what would work for you.” – repeat ad naseum and expect that no invitation will ever be forthcoming.
And consider moving – seriously – life is too short for this bull$hit.
lifer
+1 Move
This is putting an unreasonable amount of stress on you, your husband, and therefore … your relationship.
Get out.
Their going to disinherit him anyway, right?
GO
ezt
I think the answer is just that you are going through a rough patch. It happens. Sometimes all the stars align in the worst possible way. I don’t think you should make it worse by dwelling on whether you are awful. The years of success you mention make that extremely unlikely. Just hang in there and hope the wind turns soon, and try to focus on the positive stuff – disproving those allegations, having a supportive spouse, getting on with your own family – not everything is going to cr@p.
Anon
I swear it’s the Trumpification of america. People who have been closet a-holes for years feel more comfortable bringing it public now.
I was in a meeting two weeks ago where one of my colleagues blatantly lied. My team was working on a project and needed some information from his group (who requested the project) in order to complete the work. We had discussed this request in person, followed up with emails and left voicemails. No response.
Just before we were about to go into a meeting with all the senior execs, which would include status updates on projects, I caught my colleague outside the door. I told him we really needed the information to complete the project. He acknowledged that his team was behind on providing it, that it was more complicated to gather than they had anticipated, and promised to provide it by the end of the week.
So in the meetjng , when I was asked for the project status, I said, we know we are a little behind. We need one more dataset from Bob’s team, which Bob and I just discussed, and we’ll have that by the end of the week. We should be able to complete the project a few days after that.
Bob, in an Oscar-worthy performance, said “wait, what is this? You haven’t told us we owe you anything. We have sent you everything you requested. We sent this particular item last week.” Turned to one of his staff and said, “we sent this last week, correct?” And his staff member paused, then nodded, clearly uncomfortable.
I will admit, I was so completely shocked I didn’t recover well in the meeting. I said something like, the thing we just talked about right before this meeting Bob? And he interrupted “we have already sent that to you”
It was the weirdest thing. Like you, I asked myself, am I hallucinating?
Sometimes people are a-holes. Lesson learned about Bob.
Anonymous
Honestly – in that situation – pull out your blackberry and ask when it was sent – not there? okay – have him show you that the email was sent in his BB. Do this in the meeting.
Frozen Peach
I’ve had periods of particular crazy in my life, when I wonder if I have stepped into the book of Job– and they have always subsided.
The thing that sticks out to me about this is that (and I say this coming from the south, with similar family dynamics) you need to balance the crazy with some rock-solid dependable people who you can trust to be consistent– friends, colleagues, etc. Make sure that for every interaction with crazyville you have at least one with someone who is an antidote. Document everything. Be kind to yourself, know that this too shall pass…and maybe change churches?
Solidarity!! You’re not crazy.
bridget
Advice: find a therapist. Maybe it’s you, or maybe you are getting it from so many angles that you are just sending off vibes that bad people take advantage of.
I had something like that (not nearly as bad) happen, and it was basically that I was so gaslighted by one or two people that I lacked the psychological strength to nip other cr-p in the bud.
Meow
Record that sh*t. Would you be able to introduce it into evidence in court? No, but you could throw sh*t back in your BIL/SIL/MIL’s face.
Lizbet
I have this dress in a size 18 and it’s very, very flattering. I just wear a cardigan or jacket to cover the back while at work.
AnonForThis
My husband is the only male in a usually male-dominated industry, but in this particular workplace, he is the only man.
His job involves pretty intense physical labor. Requirements are to be on your feet 10+ hours a day and lifting 50+lbs.
He confided in me the other day that he has a conundrum; the women he works with have recently started slacking or having him take over for them. They’ll say they have their periods and can’t be on their feet and will go in a corner and sit for hours or that they have their period and are in too much pain to lift things, so can he go get X, Y and Z?
Yesterday he was in the middle of a pretty intensive task–something that is extremely demanding and very time-sensitive–one of the women said she needed a box from the storage closet and could he get it. He told her he was in the middle of something and couldn’t stop, and the box wasn’t that heavy, couldn’t she get it? She rolled her eyes and said “but you’re the man”. He admits he got annoyed and snapped at her, saying lifting those boxes is part of her job and that if she isn’t capable, the job’s not for her.
He’s kind of at a loss and asked me for advice–he’s never worked with all women before and he is above them in rank.
I think he needs to tell them they need to work through their periods or take a sick day if that they’re that bad and that it’s their responsibility to get the boxes and not rely on him all the time, but he’s worried about coming off like a sexist jerk. I think they’re taking advantage of him being a nice guy.
(For context, I’ve only ever worked in an office environment and I can’t imagine ever discussing my period with coworkers of any gender)
Hive thoughts?
Anonymous
Bored at work today, eh?
AnonForThis
??? It was a genuine question, but thanks for the snark anyway.
Anonymous
Hive thoughts? How about: put more effort into your posts so you’re a less blatant troll?
AnonForThis
What? No…this was a serious post. I don’t get what’s trolly?
AnonForThis
So this was a serious post, not trolling or whatever…I don’t really understand what gives that impression, but I would appreciate anyone who has legitimate advice.
Godzilla
I’ll bite. If people keep interrupting him while he’s doing his job, then he could just say no, I’m busy. That’s it. Ignore bullshit muttering.
Lbr, nobody gives period time off, although I wish that were a thing. If employees aren’t working for whatever reason, their performance should be documented. Whether that’s your husband’s responsibility or someone else’s, you didn’t say.
I will say that your post reminded me of some trash collectors I saw recently – a man and woman lifting huge bags of trash into their truck. The woman (say a size 12, approx 170lbs?) was lifting and hauling as well as the huge guy next to her (easily 6′ and over 220lbs).
AnonForThis
Thanks for the reply! And I get that women are generally physically weaker, but we’re talking 20 lbs; short of a serious injury, they should be able to lift that!
But documenting is a good idea. I think he’s worried about coming off as condescending, but if he’s matter of fact about how work issues need to get done and documents when they literally take hours off for breaks, that should be helpful.
(I may be taking this personally because it’s a peeve of mine. I hate when my own coworkers will wait around refusing to load stuff into a car without a male helper. I make a point of doing my share!)
Red Velvet
Educating other women about the sterotypical behaviours they’re engaging in which are holding back the feminist revolution is a particular passion of mine, but not one I think your husband should try and engage in at work. I think he should just firmly tell them he can’t do things when he’s busy. And if they use the “you’re a man” or “I’m on my period” excuses, he should just look at them in a confused way and then get on with what he’s doing.
AnonForThis
I agree–as I mentioned above, this is a peeve of mine. I get annoyed when women at my own work will wait for men to come by to lift a ream of paper or use their period as an excuse for not working on something, so I’m probably projecting.
But I completely get and agree it’s not his place to correct that, but does need to enforce that works needs to get done
Anonymous
How do you feel about being straight up told by a partner that you’re being added to a matter solely because you’re a woman? On the one hand, I’m sure it happens all the time and I’m not sure why openly acknowledging it makes it worse. And I’m not being treated badly or denied an opportunity, it’s actually the opposite. But it just feels…icky.
Senior Attorney
Oh my gosh that happened to me more than 20 years ago and I still remember how awful it felt! In my case it wasn’t the partner, it was the (male) client who let it slip. We were representing him in a contract action against an organization of female athletes. I was a mid-level associate and was all excited about second-chairing my first trial until lunchtime on the first day, when the client turned to the partner and said “Wow, you were right! It was a great idea to have a woman on our side of the table!”
Icky, indeed.
cbackson
Have had it happened, hated it, told him that I was sure he also chose me because I was a rockstar, and gave him a very hard look while he stammered. Then I took the opportunity and knocked it out of the park.
anon
amazing, I love it.
hoola hoopa
So much this.
MJ
My old firm had the all-Asian all-star team that they would trot out for Asian clients. It was known and laughed about by the Asian all-stars. They thought it was extra hilarious to play off stereotypes of Asian countries that disliked each other historically and how tone-deaf the firm was about that because…all Asians were obviously alike, in the firm’s eyes. #facepalm
Bluestocking
Pretty dress. I love the color.
Paging Sheryl Sandberg....
Hive – in serious need of your collective advice:
I started a job two weeks ago that has been a fantastic fit. I’m making an impact early, creating positive relationships and enjoying each minute of what I’m doing. When traveling to the corporate office last week, the Exec that I report to told me “the sky was the limit” for me. I left a terribly demanding position where I was doing 6 jobs, none of them well and none of them my actual job title. I’m so happy where I landed.
Last week I found out I’m pregnant with my 2nd, due in December. The timing is terrible. I’m terrified of telling anyone (family, new job, friends, ANYONE). I’m embarrassed. I’m also scared of the time off I will take within my first year of being here. It’s not an issue of available funds and I don’t believe I will be let go, just that the timing is bad for all the projects we have on the schedule this year and I feel like this is a terrible first impression. I’m also the only woman in my department, so I’m anticipating zero empathy.
How would you approach telling the company about the pregnancy? Telling others? Is this my Lean In moment?
In your response, please assume there is not an option for terminating the pregnancy.
Thank you to each of you in advance. Your opinion and advice is extremely valuable to me as I navigate this situation.
Godzilla
Dude, calm the f9ck down. This is nowhere near as terrible as you’re making it sound. Part of being an effective employee is to train others how to deal with your workload while you’re not there. Figure out your coverage or plan while you’re out. Present to boss. All will be well.
Ugh
Yikes – your comment re terminating the pregnancy gave me pause. TErmination is a wildly disproportionate suggestion in the context of your comment, and it makes me wonder if you struggle with anxiety if you seriously thought someone would suggest that. I’m glad your job is a great opportunity, but you have 9 months to prepare a transition/maternity leave plan, and you can crush it until then. I would also respectfully suggest you look into tools to manage your anxiety, if you do in fact suffer from that.
OP
Nailed it! Lots of practice currently for lowering my anxiety.
I know there are many women here who take having options seriously. I wanted to frame the discussion with parameters in place.
Truly appreciate the feedback.
anon
Yeah, that seems like a VERY strong preemptive reaction.
I got pregnant the day I started a new job. Everyone’s been supportive. I think it happens more than you think. And it’s a lean-in type of situation for sure. I told people earlier than I would have liked because I’m high risk and was at the doctor’s at least once a week.
Anonymous
I don’t think starting a maternity leave 9 months into a new job is weird or inappropriate at all. Calm down. Breathe. Tell at 12 weeks like you would anyway (which would be in June right? When you will have been at the job for several months?) Don’t tell anyone that this was an accident, that makes you look far worse than having a baby almost a year into a new job does.
ezt
You are fine. Don’t be embarrassed. People have kids and they can’t always plan kids around work timetables. For all your co-workers know, you might have been trying for years, going through fertility treatments, or any number of other reasons for the timing. Don’t tell anyone it was unplanned. Tell at 14 weeks or later, unless it’s too obvious. (Bonus of it being a new job: people aren’t as familiar with you and less likely to notice changes!). Present it matter-of-factly, with transition plans in place for both off- and on-ramping from mat leave. Be awesome till you leave. And don’t assume you won’t get sympathy, empathy or good wishes just because your co-workers aren’t women…men have kids too. Good luck and congrats!
OP
Thank you, thank you! All great points. You guys always come through.