Coffee Break: The Flight Attendant’s Comfort Shoes

55 Comments

1. I think my daughter has bit of aspergers. She’s normal-functioning enough such that she flies through the austism screening (like she is a girl Sheldon or Niles Crane), but I see a couple of quirks. Is there a point to getting her a diagnosis and doing formal testing (esp since there isn’t a formal “aspergers” in the DSM now and even by DSM criteria she doesn’t really need assistance/supports)?

   I have friends with kids who need major supports to change plans / go to a different grocery store / deviate from routines and we’re just in the “she’s never be a cheerleader” end of the spectrum.

   Also, I’m not sure if this formal diagnosis would be remotely helpful or just cause people to be dismissing / make assumptions / write her off. Like people are really mean. Some people will be mean to her b/c she is different. Those people might be more mean and the label might make her think she deserves it b/c she is different in a bad way. [Most men in my family are engineers are are fairly Sheldon/Niles-like, and I love them and they are just their own people, in a girl it can be jarring/unsettling to some people I guess.]

   At any rate, our city’s ASD community is geared to the lower-functioning end of the spectrum, which is fine, but seem to be 6 months backed up for a full-blown screening (while this is the sort of thing that is obvious within 5 minutes of just observing her that she is quirky but not limited). In the meantime, any good books to read?

   And with a diagnosis, it’s not like you do anything (or do you?). It’s not like it’s an illness or something you treat (vs friends of mine who can issues with hitting/tantrums); I’m thinking it’s just an explanation of a difference in behaviors.

   1. Can you give some examples of her behavior that are causing you concern? Because growing up as a child I was very rigid in my thinking, everything in my world was very black and white, very direct, and very proper, and I was consequently terribly unpopular. (I was a lot like Young Sheldon in manner and behavior, though I was not that academically gifted.) With time (and moving away from my rigid mother), I simply…relaxed. It helped me to learn that Other People Do Things Differently and That’s OK and Even Good and Their Reasons For Things Don’t Need to Be My Reasons. (I truly didn’t learn that until college. Life became so much easier then.)

   2. Can I ask some follow up questions? How old is your daughter and could you describe the quirks that concern you?
      One often forgotten avenue is to ask for an IEP evaluation through the school district, and specifically ask for social-emotional testing and express your concerns for possible aspergers in your written request to the school. An assessment must be completed and a meeting held within 60 days (or thereabouts depending on your state.)
      Some of the possible services provided by the school district could be individual coaching or therapy, social skills groups, classroom modifications, etc.
      IEPs are not just for physical or learning challenges, and are far underutilized. Best of luck!

   3. I have a child who doesn’t have autism, but has moderate ADHD. He sort of flew under the radar because academically, he’s fortunate to be doing fine.

      In my mind, getting an official diagnosis has been 100% worth it. He now is eligible for help at school that means he’s not constantly interrupting his learning and others’. Behavioral therapy has helped him a ton with learning to read social cues (not his strong suit) and overcoming dark moods (he tends to spiral and get very stuck on His Way of Doing Things). It also gives us, as parents, a framework for figuring out how to get him to do very basic life things that most have mastered at his age.

      Your daughter may not need support now, but it wouldn’t be bad to plan for a time when she might. Because when you’re mired in the difficulties of whatever is going on, getting help/services is stressful enough — it’s best to know what you’re dealing with, and how her challenges present themselves. I don’t know if autism is this way, but ADHD can present differently depending on the person. My kid’s struggles are different from his Cub Scout buddy’s — but make no mistake, they both have ADHD.

      Can you ask your daughter’s pediatrician about doing a screening and referring to a specialist if necessary? That can be a much quicker route to go than doing it on your own.

   4. OP here. It was mentioned as something to explore by the psychiatrist we were seeing when we decided to take her off ADHD meds (concerns re appetite suppression, increasing anxiety, no obvious benefit). I don’t doubt she could squeeze into the level if I pushed /slanted some answers that way but I think the label could hurt her. She is 10 and can’t be fooled. And she is perceptive enough to have known for a long time that she is a bit different and I think she is OK with that. I don’t honk she’d appreciate the label because there is nothing wrong with her; she is just who she is.

      1. Do not make differences into a medical diagnosis. Eeewww.

   5. I just really can’t with the sexism in your comment. This behavior is fine in the male engineers you know, but not in women/girls? No, just no. There is no double standard. If it’s fine for men to be nerdy and socially awkward, it’s fine for girls too. And there’s something wrong with her because she’ll never be a cheerleader?! What even….the vast majority of women I know were not the cheerleader type, and we’re all successful, happy adults who have families and jobs and hobbies and are all around doing way better than the high school cheerleaders.
      I really hope your daughter has people in her life that encourage her to be who she is (assuming who she is not hurting anyone else) and to pursue the things that genuinely interest her.

      1. Pls read what I wrote — I am finding there is tolerance of this in boys but not girls. How on earth am I sexist for reporting my experience? Not all girls are cheerleader types. That is also not news and not sexist. I am about done with this site. Thank you to the helpful commenters.

         1. The world is sexist and you’re not originating the double standard, I get that. But forcing your daughter to conform to it IS sexist and is incredibly damaging to her. Support her. Don’t try to diagnose her for behaving in a way that you would consider normal and appropriate in a boy.

            1. I think there could be a happy medium here. I get that double standards are bullshirt, and it’s also hurtful to see comments here implying that nerdy women will never get anywhere in life, or that there’s something wrong with a young woman if she’s not cheerleader material, but socially awkward is something that can be remedied – you can work with someone to improve their social skills, or guide them to a hobby that can help and give your kid more confidence – or enroll her in classes that teach her to code, when she’s a little older, because she sounds like she might be the engineering type. Encourage your child to be herself, but it doesn’t hurt to help her be the best version of herself!

               But also, she’s 10, a lot could change in the next few years! I wouldn’t worry about her staying this way throughout her teen years, or certainly the rest of her life.

      2. I see what you are saying but this is the world we live in. The sad reality is that it’s more socially acceptable for boys/men to be nerdy and socially awkward than girls/women. OP is simply trying to set her daughter up for success through her entire life. And getting her a diagnosis/treatment plan, if there is one, would do just that.

         1. But being nerdy and socially awkward doesn’t require a treatment plan! No doctor is going to diagnose her daughter with Asperger’s because she doesn’t want to be a cheerleader. That’s insane. There is nothing in the original comment that suggests her daughter is on the spectrum.

   6. I have a kiddo exactly as you describe, and I regret not getting the diagnosis when I had the chance. If you can afford it, get the diagnosis privately, and then you don’t have to give it to the school unless you need it as a tool to get an IEP/504 plan, which you might need more than you expect.

      Just one example, but as she gets older, more of her schoolwork will require flexible thinking and implicit instructions/expectations which she may really struggle with. It has been shocking to me how many professional educators don’t understand the difference between implicit and explicit instruction, or won’t bother to help her even when her needs could be met with very minor accommodations that help her learn and adapt.

      I’m all about preparing the child for the path, but my (very successful, happy, high achieving) aspie needed help that he didn’t get from his teachers. I could have forced the issue with a 504 plan. Now that we’ve been drilling on social skills and etiquette for 8+ years, he doesn’t quite meet the threshold for the diagnosis. I’m 100% confident that he would have been just over the threshold a few years ag0.

   7. As the mom of a high functioning Aspie son, now 29, and on the Board of an Autism Organization (google AANE in Watertown MA) I urge you to think about the possibility of testing and evaluation–especially as you mention ADHD. The next phase/8 years of child-rearing and childhood is the hard part: middle school, cliques, bullying, escalating academic demands, changing classrooms and interacting with more teachers and kids, etc. My son talked about being “different”, but that does not help when being left out, isolated, etc. And the special ed staff did not help him academically, but gave him people and a place to turn to when high school got hard.

      Psych testing is helpful in getting services if/when you need them, and will inform you in greater detail about your daughter’s mind. It does no harm–and is easier to ask of a ten year old than a 15 year old. If you don’t want the school to do it–(we paid for our own, so that there were no conflicts of interest and privacy for us)–you can find someone yourself.

      I understand what you are saying about sexism and geeks, Sheldon, etc.–yet, being different and geeky works best in the adult world, and in the kid world nerdiness tends to attract teasing, difficulties with flexibility, etc.

      She is going to be ok in the long run, but the short run is the hard part. College and the work place will be kinder to her than school. You wrote asking if a diagnosis or label is useful–it is, I believe, as it makes understanding oneself easier. Teachers are professionals, and it will not result in teachers being mean.

      You wrote because you are concerned and have some worries–action is usually better than inaction. Take care…

      1. I just find this advice unfathomable. I was a painfully shy, nerdy loner with basically no friends in high school, but I wasn’t bullied (I do think parents/teachers should intervene in the event of bullying, but I don’t know that bullying discriminates that much – some of the most “popular” kids at my school were bullied plenty). I really don’t think it’s much of an exaggeration to say that I probably would have attempted to kill myself if my parents had hauled me off to a psychiatrist for a label and a diagnosis. The main thing that made high school bearable for me me was that my parents constantly reiterated to me that I was an awesome little weirdo, that they were nerds in high school too and that life beyond high school would be infinitely better for me (which was definitely true!). If a kid is struggling academically or having issues socially to the point that they’re saying to their parents “what’s wrong with me?” then I think that’s a different story and it makes sense to seek help from medical professionals. But telling a kid who’s simply “different” that there’s something medically wrong with them seems like a surefire way to $&*# up a kid who would otherwise probably go on to be a very happy and fulfilled adult.

         And fwiw I don’t believe I have Asperger’s. I’m socially awkward but I’ve taken screening tests and don’t score very high. There is certainly some overlap in terms of social intelligence, but I would venture that many or even most shy, socially awkward kids do not have Asperger’s. OP hasn’t said anything that suggests to me that her daughter actually has Asperger’s traits. She just doesn’t like that her daughter is “different” and has “quirks.” These things do not equate to Asperger’s.

         I went to a top college and am in a very successful career, and most people I know didn’t particularly enjoy high school. I know plenty of people (including me) who were just kind of “meh” about the whole thing and plenty of people who were absolutely miserable. The ones who were happy (or rather, less unhappy) were the ones with supportive parents who didn’t try to “fix” us. Again, bullying is a different story, but I’m really not convinced that just being a loner is anything that requires parental intervention unless the child asks for help.

   8. It took me a long time to figure out why this comment bothered me so much. I’m a female engineer with ADHD and if someone had said that I was “never going to be a cheerleader” as though it was a bad thing, I would have been deeply insulted as it negates so much of who I am proud to be. So I have to ask, is being the popular girl something your daughter wants? If so, great, get her a therapist and diagnosis a playgroup. If not, you’re going to have to support her in interests that may not be yours- you’ve got socially awkward engineers in the family, great- send her to them!

2. a whole site!
   https://www.airlineshoes.com/

3. Does anyone wear Allbird wool runners with socks? I really want to wear mine but they leave too much of my foot and ankle exposed for comfort. Socks would help but I feel like that would looks super dorky…

   1. I wear mine with no show socks. Eliminates the dork factor and very comfortable.

      1. But…that doesn’t solve OP’s problem of having the rest of her foot exposed…

   2. I only wear mine with socks. They’re fine and I don’t think they look dorky (ankle socks).

4. I have been offered an entry level management role in the tax department where I work. The previous person in this role was making $76,500 with three years of experience in that role. They have offered me $73,500.

   If you were in my position, what number would you come back with? I was thinking of asking for $75,000, but now I’m wondering if that’s too wimpy. This is slightly under market pay for our area, but we work substantially fewer hours than most public accounting firms in town and have a lot of flexibility, so I’m not looking for a ton more. But I also don’t want to scr#w myself over by not negotiating.

   1. I would strongly consider asking for 76,500 (or more? my “have the confidence of a mediocre white man” train of thought thinks a little more even) since they evidently think the job is worth at least 76,500.

   2. “Is there any flexibility in that number? I was hoping to get closer to the high 70s, is that an option?”

      1. That still sounds so wishy-washy. Please, sir, can I have some more? Don’t *ask* if it’s okay if maybe they could consider thinking about it. “I want this amount.”

5. I have a barely-worn MM.LaFleur Etsuko dress in size 6, deep teal color, for sale on ebay. I heard about this dress on thissite and I know a lot of ‘rettes are fans. I realized after buying it that I love the color and the machine-washable, stretchy fabric (although it has never been washed), but dresses with sleeves are not my jam. In any event, I posted it for $120, but if a ‘rette reader would like to buy it, I’m happy to sell it to you for $100, shipping included, which is way lower than the $195 plus tax that I paid for it from the retailer.

   1. I will set up a burner email.

   2. Can you post an email I can contact you at?

6. I woke up with an allergic reaction all over my face this morning, and of course I have a first date in a few hours. I am prone to product allergies so I am super careful with the products I use and haven’t changed anything up in the last week, except to use the Paula’s Choice BHA exfoliant a few days ago. Last time I had this horrible reaction (on my face then too) was after using a “natural” flea spray around the house (I think it was the clove oil that made me react, big time). I don’t know what it’s coming from this time, but my face is sore, red, and feels raw and and inflamed. No time to go to a doctor this afternoon (but I could go tomorrow). Does anyone have any short term solutions? Not sure about putting cortisone on my face, but perhaps some benadryl cream. I don’t want to take an antihistamine pill as those make me super drowsy. I mostly feel like I want to stick my burning face in the freezer. I may have to cancel this date.

   1. Ice pack?

   2. A first date? I’d probably reschedule and do whatever you need to do right now to take care of yourself.

   3. Why wouldn’t you put a thin layer of hydrocortisone cream on your face? That’s what it’s for. Also take a Benadryl if you think the allergic reaction is still building up. Most importantly, go to a doctor and find out what you’re allergic to.

   4. What about benadryl cream?

   5. Benadryl cream and an antihistamine before bed. Claratin in the morning with more Benadryl cream. Repeat until you clear up.

7. Marriage counseling vs. marriage retreat vs. individual counseling — anyone have any advice? For those of you who did counseling, how did you find your therapist? Mostly looking to strengthen our/my communication skills.

   1. My husband and I did “The Marriage Course”, which was offered through our church, and we found it to be very helpful in terms of increasing our communication skills. It was six or eight two hour evenings, and while some of it was hokey, overall I know our relationship is stronger because of it. We weren’t having trouble when we enrolled, we just knew we could be better. (It is spiritually based, though, so if that’s not your thing, it won’t be for you.) Good luck!

8. Over the last 3 years, I seem to have a weak immune system – weak stomach, I get colds easily, and even with the flu shot, contract the flu nearly every year. I started taking Olly multivitamins about 3 months ago and have a reasonably healthy diet with fresh fruit and vegetables. I wash my hands and also use hand sanitizer. My doctors don’t think anything is wrong but I have friends who honestly never seem to get sick. Any tips?

   1. Do you get enough sleep and are you stressed out? For me, those are the things that make me way more prone to catching colds/flu.

   2. Sleep is the big overlooked variable, I think. If you aren’t getting enough sleep, you’ll automatically have a bad immune system. And 8 hours may not be enough for you – every person has different sleep needs.

   3. Get a physical and mention it to your doc. Low iron or D is tough on the immune system. I’m sure there are others as well.

      Do you feel tired a lot? Do you snore or have limb movement? Sometimes if you’re getting enough sleep but not good quality sleep, that can take a toll as well.

      You mention weak stomach. Most stomach flu is actually food poisoning. Make sure you are appropriately heating/cooling/cleaning surfaces that have touched meat.

      You also don’t mention if you’re around little kids. The first couple of years they pick up everything. So you’ll be more likely to as well.

   4. Have you spent more time with small children over the last three years? I have a robust immune system, but a weekend with my college roommate’s family or some other friends and I am definitely sick. Daycare germs are no joke.

9. I recently received feedback from an older colleague (late 50ish) that I can come across as young and naive. When I pressed for more details, she said it was because I was so “open and friendly.” I’ve always been told that I was “too nice” to be a lawyer but have used that to my advantage to build client relationships.
   However, now I am concerned that my niceness is impacting how I’m coming across to other lawyers. I’m 38 and 12 years out of law school, always dress appropriately both in office and court. I don’t have children but am a POC. Any thoughts on how I can improve on this? Is this something I would see a coach and/or therapist for?

   1. I would just ignore it. I got this feedback early on in my Big Law career from several associates and partners. Admittedly I was young (26 with a very baby-ish face), but it was also grounded in being “too nice.” I was really upset about it for a while, but then a really wise partner told me that there are all kinds of ways to be a successful lawyer – some people scream and yell and take up all the air in the room, others are polite and friendly but can argue and brief circles around the opposition. I was the latter type and as soon as I found my groove it was all good. You’re much further along in your career than I am and it sounds like you’ve already found your groove, so I wouldn’t overthink it!
      I also find it to be an incredibly gendered comment (and in your case probably race-based as well).

      1. +1 Client complained just this week that opposing counsel was kind of “*itchy”. I would have said rude, overly aggressive and not particularly pleasant, but I think we were picking up on the same traits. I’m much more nice, pleasant, etc. (IMO) and client has no trouble seeking, following and respecting my advice, so you do you.

   2. It sounds like an asset, not a problem. You sound like a pleasure to work with. Maybe solicit more specific feedback/check in with other people/ask yourself if you feel like people don’t respect you. But if you are a polished professional in your interactions, I don’t think you have anything to worry about here and good for you for building good will. That said, I’m sure the AskAManager website has some good tips on coming across as mature/professional or you could send in a question.

   3. Is it negatively affecting your work? Your client relationships and relationships with other lawyers? Does this person control your fate in any way? If not, then it doesn’t matter if she thinks you come across “too young and naïve.”

      1. +1

   4. Ugh, my initial reaction is that she is miserable in her work and feels like everyone else has to be in order to do it, too. If you can stay pleasant, then do not give that up to fit into her warped expectations.

   5. In my experience the people who say this are (in hindsight…) either (a) threatened by you; (b) can’t find anything else to fault you with; (c) insecure. I’ve been told I’m too nice for years, and when I think back on these comments later (too much later), the people who have said this are people I would not ever view as role models, or even people I would ever ask for advice. That is, they have offered this comment in an unsolicited way.

   6. I don’t think you need to change. Some people have narrow views of what a lawyer “should” do or look like. In my experience some of the best attorneys work with their own style. I am about your age and often get asked how much experience I have—and then they’re surprised when I tell them I’ve been practicing for over 10 years. But I think my style works to my advantage. Clients like and trust me, co counsels think I’m easy to work with, and opposing counsel doesn’t treat me as an enemy even if they aren’t always happy with me.

      If you’re really worried you aren’t being taken seriously you can make an effort to speak a bit slower and lower. I have a naturally high voice and do this when I’m in a tough situation.

   7. I would ask some follow up questions to understand if this is a opinion or there are actually behaviors behind it that causing a more negative than you perceive.

      I can come across the same way, and I’ve focuser on toning it down in the first week or so of client interactions and then letting it rise to the surface. It ends up being the best of both worlds.

      I learned it from a partner, who is a huge jokester, but has to play it down at first to establish strong credibility. It’s a big asset to him with clients, but he has to manage it.

   8. Read The Myth of the Nice Girl! Hate the name, love the book.

10. Also consider that having confidence comes across as mature and competent, so don’t let one comment from one person make you doubt yourself.

    1. Agreed. I think the older woman was jealous of you. You are a year older then me and older women tend to belittle us b/c we are young and cute and their best days are behind them. So just be yourself and do not concern yourself on what the woman says. If you have a boyfreind, ask him if you are to nice. I am sure he will say yes, but that is b/c he wants s-x from you. FOOEY!

11. My husband and I did “The Marriage Course”, which was offered through our church, and we found it to be very helpful in terms of increasing our communication skills. It was six or eight two hour evenings, and while some of it was hokey, overall I know our relationship is stronger because of it. We weren’t having trouble when we enrolled, we just knew we could be better. (It is spiritually based, though, so if that’s not your thing, it won’t be for you.) Good luck!

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