Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: The Ultimate Work-From-Home Blazer
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A good black blazer is worth its weight in gold, as far as I’m concerned. I like the look of this one, with a single turquoise button and slightly nipped-in waist, but it’s the fabric that seems extra special here. It’s both machine-washable and wrinkle-resistant, which are huge pluses in my book.
As if that weren’t enough to recommend it, the whole company was started by a Harvard Law student who was frustrated by the lack of options for comfortable, professional-looking workwear. She was featured on Above The Law earlier this year.
The blazer is $200, available via pre-order from Spencer Jane. It comes in sizes XS–4XL.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I posted this weekend about an unexpected positive pregnancy test. Wanted to say thank you for all the encouragement. I am going to call my therapist today – she’s a great listener and I think just saying it out loud to a human will help me process what might be next.
Thinking of you, and talking with your therapist is a great call.
I’m glad you re-posted – i also wanted to recommend All Options which has a free, nonjudgmental and nonpolitical talkline. They are a wonderful org if you need additional guidance beyond your therapist:
it’s all-options dot org
FYI a popular internet personality uses the same moniker for their house and people might confuse you for them.
people might confuse me for a house? I have no idea what you’re talking about!
And Hugs Hugs Hugs. Go easy on yourself, this is a difficult moment in your life so give yourself the same compassion you would give a friend.
Thanks to everyone for your advice. I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I was invited to an opera performance by an older couple who are very educated and old money, in Houston, Texas. I had not been to the opera before, and the outdoor venue was confusing me on what to wear. I wore a midi-length pleated Boden dress in a silky fabric that is navy with a muted colored polka dot pattern, a few seasons old. Shoes were silver leather ballet flats, and I wore classic silver earrings, a cream wrap when it got chilly, and carried a Lo and Sons wallet clutch. The outfit hit the mark, and I had a lovely time. We had front row seats!
Yay how perfect!! It sounds lovely.
I’m an opera singer (building my career while working in a legal services field) and it makes me so happy to see people attending opera :) hope it was wonderful! and your outfit sounds great.
Further evidence that the pandemic has made life weird: I have a cousin (not a first cousin, but also my only other relative in my city). We used to see each other periodically when we were at work (blocks from each other) or at the airport (both frequently travelled for work). I am FB friends with his mother and sister, so aware that neither has visited our city recently (like since Christmas). Today I remembered that his wife (who I have met but don’t know well at all) had posted something in the fall that they they were having another baby (the reason I suspect that I don’t know her better is that they have a 3YO and my kids are much older, so we are busy but not overlapping). I rechecked FB posts and the baby was due in March. It is almost May. I feel so bad and yet maybe I am 3-6-9 months late to what I’m guessing was a miscarriage or stillbirth. What should I do? I hate to ask just to make them re-hash and I also hate to assume (but FB is so exuberant — if there were a highlight reel, I’m assuming I’d have seen that).
Nothing. You barely know this person.
Anecdata of one: my early miscarriage still hurts, and it would never be too late to express gentle condolences. If you haven’t spoken in a while though I might start with small talk, even by text, and then slip in a quiet observation.
Can your parents investigate with other relatives who know them better? Or can you reach out to a sibling or parent of this cousin to ask about it? Once you find out, no matter what (baby at home or not), you can reach out, express any necessary sympathy or congratulations, and offer to drop off a meal or have a meal delivered. That’s always appreciated!
Can you check with the family grapevine? E.g., is your parent related to their parent, so if you ask your parent them may have heard something? If social media is the only reason you think something may have happened, I’d try to operate off social media to pin down an answer.
If you confirm sad news, I would not bring it up as the first contact in several months, but could consider reaching out with a “I miss seeing you all!” message if that rings true to you, and perhaps try to reconnect for outdoor/safe visit.
Could you maybe ask his mother?
This is weird and intrusive. If your cousin and his wife didn’t tell you what happened and didn’t post it on Facebook, they are not looking for your support.
It’s not weird. She is concerned and wants advice on what, if anything, she should do. It is disheartening how negative many of the comments on this board have become.
She should do nothing. The cousin and his wife have clearly signaled that they want privacy.
Not necessarily. I didn’t make an announcement about my pregnancy loss because it was too painful to type it out. I was not signaling to family members to never speak of it. People use social media in different ways.
I think the advice below about reaching out generally and letting them take the lead is good advice.
Disagree. I’ve had two miscarriages and have certainly never posted it on facebook. Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate support!
I’d just reach out without specifically raising the pregnancy and say thinking of you, how you are doing all right after such a complicated year or something similar. Let them decide what if anything to share with you.
+1, I would do this. People appreciate being thought of.
do nothing. Get out of other people’s uteruses. None of your business.
Were you born bitter or did someone hurt you? The extent to which people are using the anonymity of this board to be mean is disheartening. And it has gotten worse.
There is a huge difference between being nosy about other people’s reproductive lives and being concerned for a family member (even distant family member) who may have experienced a loss. They posted that they were expecting on FB. They put that fact into the universe, which they presumably would not have done if they had decided to terminate the pregnancy. That means they either have a new baby and have not posted about it (which would be odd but not impossible) or they have suffered a tragedy. If the latter, as many people who have been there have said, a gentle expression of sympathy would not be amiss. I second trying to find out from a third party and sending a sympathy card if warranted or calling cousin and asking how things are. If he mentions it, say you did not want to ask but were afraid of that and you are so sorry for their loss. If he does not mention, he presumably does not want to discuss and you can let it go at that. Neither of those is interfering with someone else’s uterus.
Has anyone ever had their home windows reset (not replaced)?
Our windows are high quality and in good condition, but our mid-90s house is settling unevenly (common in this area, given the soil composition) and the windows are both difficult to open and no longer firmly seal shut, letting in cold and wind.
I don’t see a reason to buy all windows, when they simply need to be straightened out. Curious if anyone has experience with this.
Isn’t the real issue your foundation?
Yeah you could theoretically reset your windows, but you need to stop the settling first. It seems like it would be fairly involved to true up each window opening to make it square again.
Have any of your neighbors done this? We have clay soil and it settles unevenly (so nothing in my house is square). We replaced some crappy windows from the 80s that were having issues. Our older windows were painted shut. I didn’t know this was a thing, but if this is a local thing, NextDoor or your neighborhood google group might be who to ask (or a realtor, if this is an issue that comes up on inspections).
I’ve never found windows from the 90s to be in good condition almost 30 years later. They weren’t built like turn if the century ones (that are still drafty if lovely). I have replaced windows from that era because that is what you need to do.
I stand by my standard for buying clothes that if it can’t even look good on the model it won’t look good on my average sized but dumpy short thirty something self.
I can’t tell if it’s the triangular cut, lack of tailoring, shoulder pads, or all of the above that makes it off to me. It’s like trying to be oversized, but in a I grabbed my husbands jacket sorta way not a stylish sort of way.
Yeah, my first thought upon seeing this photo was that it reminded me of how a somewhat shapeless J Crew jacket I recently donated looked on me after losing 30 lbs.
I have the opposite reaction. The way clothing looks on a model is mostly irrelevant to me, because they are never shaped like me.
I come from a family that drives cars into the ground. I have a 10YO minivan that I feel is barely new (family of birth carryover) but it has broken down on me recently when I was with people who are my potential carpool buddies this summer (last summer kids here had no camps; this year planned camps will likely occur). Spouse is saying it is time to get a new car. I don’t feel that it is, but feel that if I don’t, the potential carpoolers may not include me since they may see us as more trouble than we’re worth (car trouble was legit trouble, but has been fixed at the dealership). As a working mom, I often do what is easy and throw $ at a problem rather than time, but I am pausing here b/c there is a dollar figure involving a comma. WWYD? Not driving 100% of the time would be awesome, but after this year I feel like I could deal just to get the kids out of the house and me to work. BUT if I’d likely get a new car within the year anyway, maybe this makes sense?
I don’t understand. If you need a new car within a year, yes of course get it before the camp season.
+1
It doesn’t matter if you don’t “feel” like you need a new car if the car is broken…
I think this depends on how old your kids are and general pre-pandemic driving habits. Grand caravans are cheap and reliable there’s a reason why they are so ubiquitous. Of course this board skews fancy so they prefer fancier vans but basic ones do the job! Infact the basic ones are actually more reliable, I used to work for Chrysler and all dealerships would get Grand Caravans for their fleet vehicles, I always had a chuckle when we’d have Subaru or Honda coming by to pick up the van they purchased.
Counterpoint: I come from a family that drives their cars into the ground (there are FOUR vehicles that hit 300,000 miles) and the Dodge Grand Caravans gave out at 100,000 miles and 80,000 miles.
Not to be that person but my data set is literally thousands of vehicles. I processed a whole dealerships worth of paperwork for 5 years.
LOL, no you don’t. Your “data set” is literally people who traded in for your company’s car, not people who traded in DGCs for other cars. It’s called survivor bias.
You know that automakers are legally required to track all vehicles, right? Even the ones traded in to other automakers. They don’t just go off into the abyss after they’re sold, automakers know how many of their vehicles are still on the road and where. It’s important for things like safety recalls.
I am aware of that. Are you aware of the fact that she lacked that information from other car manufacturers and failed to perform any sort of statistical analysis (i.e. what percentage of Honda Odysseys were traded in for Grand Caravans, and vice versa)? Are you aware that she did not even bother to tell us things like the age of the alleged trade ins and whether or not the owner is the first or second owner of the vehicle? Are you aware that she did not tell us how long, on the average, Dodge and Honda owners keep their vehicles?
Are you aware that the used car market tells us everything we need to know? According to Carmax, a 2016 Honda Odyssey runs from $23k to $27k. MSRP starts at $32k. However, a 5 year old Dodge Grand Caravan, mileage about 40k to 50k, MSRP starting at $28k, is worth $15k. The difference (both dollars and percent depreciation) is due to the fact that people do not, actually, fling their used Honda Odysseys at the Dodge dealership, begging and pleading for Caravans.
I’m glad you’re so much smarter than the analysts employed at automakers. Perhaps you should apply for that job! Obviously you know way more than them about their products!
Yeah I think it depends on what the issue was and the likelihood of repeat issues. We still have our 16yo Honda, but it’s not our primary car, and it has been very well maintained. It also has less than 150K miles so we expect it to last a little while longer, but I wouldn’t drive it except for in-town errands. It’s worth a heart-to-heart with your mechanic to figure out whether this issue was just a random problem or is the start of a long set of issues with the car.
I don’t know what is typical for new cars. I think a lot of people lease and get new cars when the lease is up. I see neighbors with ones at least every 5 years, so 10+ may be much longer than typical. But IDK where the line is for “recklessly keeping a problematic/old car.”
My birth family expects 250K/miles per car, but has more cars than drivers b/c one always seems to be in the shop or getting maintenance done. So maybe the answer is an additional vehicle (but probably not unless you are in a rural area) since yours is probably paid off.
Is this OP replying to her own comment pretending to be someone else? Both comments have the exact same peculiar syntax and style.
This is what we do (live semi-rural, keep multiple cars). We don’t trade in when we buy, so we have older cars on hand (and we live in NE, so having a big lifted 4×4 is great for winter storms, but too much of a gas guzzler to be a daily driver). I have a car old enough to drink.
It’s been great for learning how to make simple repairs myself, since we’re not carless and thus in a panic to get them fixed ASAP. But I assume a carpooling mom doesn’t really have time for that sort of thing.
I get this. I also think that cars are items to be driven into the ground (ask me sometime about the Saturn I drove until well over 200k miles…); however. There’s an element of risk analysis here.
I don’t want to break down with kids on the highway. I frequently drive on the highway and frequently drive with kids in my car. Thus, it is worth it in my calculation to buy the new vehicle now and get the side benefit of being able to participate in the carpool without fear of being shunned.
Dealerships make so much money selling new cars to the, “Well, the car broke down once, time for a new one!” crowd. Repair the car and keep driving it.
+1
Absolutely. Would never consider buying a new car at this point.
From a “drive it until the wheels fall off” person: If your car is 10 years old and breaking down, it’s probably not worth the hassle and expense of continuing to fix it. At some point, it becomes less expensive to buy a new car than to keep pouring money into an old one.
I absolutely would not carpool with you if you didn’t have a reliable vehicle that safely seated all the kids.
I routinely drive cars around 300K miles, and in your situtation I’d buy a new one.
You make no sense! If you’d likely get a new car within a year, why not get one now? Stop being really weird and make a sensible choice, whether that’s getting the car or not.
OP here — maybe I needed more coffee. I think my question is whether it is typical for people to replace 10YO cars. It never would have dawned on me to do this. I took transit pre-kids and had a beater car that I took to the grocery store a couple of times per month. We got current vehicle b/c it was probably not passing the laugh test for much longer.
OP here and I had a reply in moderation — I wasn’t sure if replacing a car that is this old (or maybe “is this old and may at the point where it is starting to have Problems”) is typical. I’ve never had a new car before, just new to me, so not a road I’ve gone down. Also, I bought it (vs leasing) and I understand that many people just get new cars when their lease is up, so really not sure. If it is really typical, I get that replacing sooner (unless that chip shortage makes it problematic) makes sense so we have something for carpools this summer. I grew up in a small town where you could walk or easily get a ride, but modern city families’ lives aren’t like that — intricate choreography scheduled out (and no more tossing kids in the way back).
Of course people buy new cars to replace aging vehicles, and yes, take your carpool obligations into account as travel needs. Also, the concept of “driving cars into the ground” differs from person to person. We had a lovely old Toyota Camry with a fantastic engine that probably would have run for another 100k miles, but the door handles and interior and exterior trim were all falling off. It was 20 years old and it was time for a new car.
I had to deal with this this year too. The car needed a repair, and the repair cost more than the car’s blue book value. I hadn’t realized that this would come up or that the car would ever be worth so little when there’s nothing seriously wrong with it.
I replace cars around the 8-10 year mark, but I have absolutely zero patience for being broken down on the side of the road. As soon as a car loses my trust that it could make it on a long road trip, I’m starting my search for a new one.
Yes, if there are safety and/or reliability issues. Breaking down on the side of the highway isn’t worth my time and it’s unsafe with kids in the car. I pay a premium to not break down. I don’t care about the “laugh test” or whatever and I don’t need the newest/best. I typically replace around 10-15 years because I don’t want to deal with the hassle that comes with big repair jobs. I feel I’ve gotten the best years out of the car at that point and it’s time to let go while it still has trade in value.
At a certain mileage, stuff on cars starts to wear out and needs to be repaired and replaced. At ten years old, that’s kinda expected that your vehicle will need work. If you don’t want to deal with this then yes, buy a newer car. For us, the certain cost of an auto loan plus the potential cost of vehicle repairs is not a worthwhile tradeoff for the affordable cash-only cost of an older car plus its probable repair costs. We have a reasonably good idea of repair costs based on a lot of experience, so we budget for those ahead of time and still come out ahead compared to buying a newer car.
How many miles are the car? This is more important than how many years old it is. Is it an American car or a Japanese car? Hondas and Toyotas live a long time. Maybe some American vehicles do as well, but generally, I think not. Get a very serious work over and opinion from a mechanic, and keep or sell as seems the next step. If you keep it, get repairs and a tune up, get new tires if needed, get the car detailed, and carry on.
This. Honda or Toyota with <100K miles? Repair and keep. Otherwise, buy a new car ASAP.
In general, cars cost about $0.37 per mile, so if you make a $1000 repair you should get more than 2700 miles out of it. BUT… this does not include the cost of your time. If there are real reliability concerns I would replace it, even if it’s only a $50 repair each time.
This exactly. The whole thing about “repairs being more than the car is worth” is nonsensical. There are extensive studies on how the used car market underprices quality used vehicles because of the asymmetry of information: the seller knows the problems with the vehicle, the buyer does not, so the buyer will assume that there are problems and reduces their price accordingly. That does not translate over into keeping an otherwise-reliable vehicle.
That said, I got rid of my previous car when the cost to repair exceeded the cost of a newer, lower mileage vehicle: even after repairs, I would not feel confident in the car.
I don’t base the decision on the cost of the repair v. blue book value, but I do look at the cost of the repair v. the cost of a new car, as well as the probability that the old car will need additional repairs in the near future. Once a 10-year-old car has needed one $1500 repair, my experience is that it is going to need another one every six months. At that point you might as well buy a brand-new car.
I just want to say thank you for this framework. It actually makes me feel better for having spent $$$ repairing rather than replacing my car last year.
Super late reply but I’ve been thinking about this all day and wanted to chime in with our mental calculus. We drive a lot (usually put ~20k miles per year on two vehicles) and routinely drive them into the high 300k miles.
We don’t look at whether the cost to repair is more than the value of the car, but instead look at whether the cost to make a given repair could reasonably get us a better vehicle. Dropping a new tranny in our current car was worth it even though the cost was about the same as the value of the vehicle itself, because we knew its previous 5 years of repair history were solid and there is not much else that hasn’t already been repaired or replaced on the vehicle. That was 4 years ago and we anticipate driving that vehicle another 5 years or so.
How many miles on the 10 years old minivan? If it’s less and 100K, repair it and keep it. Potential carpoolers should understand one random breakdown. However, if it’s got tons of miles (more than 150K), and especially if your kids are smallish and you’ve got years of carpooling ahead of you, get a new one.
+1 I’d worry if this was a pattern, not one random breakdown. That’s bad luck.
I would actually worry about one random breakdown, as opposed to an expected failure of something that typically wears out like the alternator or the water pump.
Oh fair. I think that more captures what I meant.
So your decision is whether to buy a car now or sometime later in the year? Just do it now so it doesn’t break down during a carpool again. Seems like a fairly easy decision to me.
My car is 18 years old, but if I were you I’d buy a new car.
This is for sure not an us question but one for your mechanic. If you have AAA, go to one of theirs if you get a discount. You may also want to go to an independent person. For each, ask for a review and estimate but don’t say you are doing this anywhere else. Take a look at what you get, what’s in common, and the cost for repair. This will tell you what it’d cost for now to be set for a bit. If the number is high, then you do the calculations to see if it’s worth saving versus replacing.
I agree with most that I’m a little confused by the post, and agree if you need to buy another one in a year you should do it now; and I’m confused by the car trouble, it sounds like you got it fixed but based on your fears it sounds like you have reason to think it or similar could keep happening? That part is hard for us to assess if that is true or not.
I am also a drive-the-car-past-what-most-would-find-reasonable-person, but one factor I will add is safety features have upgraded a lot in the last 10 years, I would say more so than they did in the 10 years between, say, the 90s and the 00s. The blind spot detector that beeps at you if it senses you are trying to get over and someone is there is probably the biggest one to me, as is the rear view camera that beeps if you are in reverse and someone (cars and people!) is behind you even in the general vicinity, etc. I wouldn’t not carpool with someone who didn’t have these, but I think this makes it more than what seems like an otherwise frivolous decision.
p.s. I don’t mean to imply that anyone without the newest safety features should run out and get a new car. Just adding another factor that might tip the scales for you.
+1 Safety features have come a long way in the last ten years. I know the frugal advice is always to buy used and drive cars into the ground, but I think that advice is potentially very short sighted when you take into account that driving is one of the most dangerous things that we do every day. I haven’t quite figured out my sweet spot for replacing vehicles with that in mind, but it sounds like you are due!
+2. Also from a family that ran cars into the ground, and my first car was driven all the way until even the locks starting failing and I got locked out of the car in a not-nice neighborhood, so I had to jimmy open the back window and crawl through the seats in my work attire. It’s not the greatest approach to cars and doesn’t take safety or reliability into account.
Now that I have kids, we’ve settled on 8-10 years for replacing cars, and we offset the timeline so we always have a vehicle that’s newer than 5 years. The safety features are massively better in my husband’s 2016 than they are in my 2012, so that car is our long road trip car. We’ll replace mine this year and I’m excited to get stability control, blind spot detection, and even pedestrian detection (lots of kids on bikes in our neighborhood).
They’re starting to roll out teen driver safety features, which we’ll likely lean heavily on when it comes time to update my husband’s car, as I anticipate they’ll only get more intuitive in the next few years.
Has anyone in the carpool actually voiced concerns about your car or is this all your husband’s conjecture? If it was fixed I don’t see the big deal.
Yeah, this sounds like her husband wants an excuse to buy a car.
The car is 10 years old and has already broken down once. He doesn’t need an excuse to buy a new car. He has very good reasons.
If you’re likely to get a new car within a year anyway, I’d just go ahead and get a new car. And I say this as someone whose last car was old enough to drink before I replaced it. It got to the point where repairs were worth more than the car was worth, and as much as it pained me because I loved that car, that was when it was time for something new.
For me, never having to worry about my car breaking down is worth whatever extra it costs to lease a new one. My time is worth something, so is not stressing about being stranded, so is not having a random repair. I don’t know when driving an old car to the ground took on near religious frugal reverence but I’ve always thought that was nutty. There’s more to a new car than flash. I lease cars, but not to get something above my pay grade, for peace of mind.
+1. Reliability is absolutely key
Also, for people who want to “drive a car into the ground”, you have to be religious about maintenance to do this successfully.
Meh, you do normal maintenance and adjust your expectations when random bells and whistles quit working. My fuel gauge has been wonky for YEARS. I’ve never run out of gas, I just top up every 200 miles or so. If you drive beaters long enough, you get a good sense for what needs dealt with and what you can ignore.
To me “driving a car into the ground” means driving it up until the point where it starts to break down excessively, not past that point.
I do the same thing. I grew up in a “drive it into the ground” family but my dad is also a car nut so he could do minor repairs and had a better sense of when to give up a particular car due to the cost of repair.
Also, I’m GenX, and cars were either not computerized or weren’t as computerized when I was a kid.
I’d give it another chance, but would very much stick to “two strikes and its out”. But, also, give your husband a voice. If he feels strongly, this is one where I’d just go with it. Husband gets more say than I do in replacing cars in our house because when they break, he is the one who deals with all the hassle. And it can be a lot of hassle. And never at a convenient time!
We are “not car people” and just upgrade a car purchased before my 10.5 year old was born for a newer but equally practical model. I am not into cars but if I’m going to have a car, I want one that can do it’s job.
Once a car becomes unreliable, especially if you’re transporting kids & other people’s kids, then I would definitely (1) get a confirmed fix for the issue if possible; or (2) if not possible, get a new to you car. Summer as a working mom is hard enough, don’t had fear that you’ll be ostracized by your camp group too.
I would save a search for used minivans in my local area and nab one when I spotted a good deal.
We are from the same family. Get a car that can be run to the ground. While expensive, getting a car that requires minimal repairs and drives like a tank forever + holds its value + can be passed on to first kid to drive = winning in my book (even with the comma in the number).
I’d suggest a 4Runner, but not sure if the van is a requirement. If not, 4Runner 100%.
You don’t need to run out and buy a car right away, but it’s definitely time to start researching what’s on the market, asking your friends what they drive and if they like it, and keeping your eyes peeled for good deals at local dealerships. It’s not an emergency, so you have time to make a smart, calculated decision.
For example, I’m in a similar position of having a 12 year-old car, and I have an idea of what I’d like my next car to be. Now that I feel like I’m in a good financial position – good salary, savings are solid, emergency fund funded – I’m not going to the Subaru dealership this weekend, but maybe it’s time to actually pay attention to those car ads when we’re watching hockey games.
Get a new car. You can afford it. Carpooling isn’t just convenient for you, it’s better for the earth. Get some sort of hybrid or electric and move this whole thing forward.
Any advice on how to identify salary expectations and analyze offers for jobs located in areas with a lower cost of living? Should I be open to making less than I currently earn? If so, how should I run the numbers to be confident I would come out ahead?
For context: I have lived my entire adult life in HCOL coastal cities (consistently on the list of top 10 most expensive U.S. cities), but am now applying to jobs in areas with a lower cost of living. I’m a mid-level in a non-profit field, making in the $60-$65 range, so not a huge salary to start with. Emotionally, I am struggling with the possibility of that number decreasing, even if I could end up with more disposable/savings funds due to lower housing costs.
If you’re in the nonprofit sector, could you check org’s IRS 990 forms to get a sense for what comp looks like? Also, so many nonprofits now post salaries or salary ranges in their job postings to support more equitable hiring practices. I’d check non-profit job boards in the cities you’re looking at for similar roles. You should get a sense for what a comparable role would be paid in these new markets. I also find the “nonprofit happy hour” facebook group GREAT for helping advise on questions like this.
+1 – even if your mid-level position doesn’t show up on 990s, you can compare what the higher ups are making in your city vs new city to get an idea of what is realistic.
I went from 55k in DC to 50k in Philly four years ago, but the change in local taxes, retirement contributions (401k to mandatory pension) and from 24 to 26 pay periods a year meant my take home was several hundred less each month. I now make 60k and am taking home $100 more per paycheck than I did in DC.
My rent went from $1400 to $850, so I could swing it but it was much tighter than I expected because I didn’t take those 3 factors into consideration (darn having state and local taxes!)
“Areas with a lower cost of living” is really broad. If you’re going from, say, DC to Richmond or Raleigh, the COL difference isn’t going to be so significant that you can afford to take much of a pay cut. If you’re going from DC to the middle of rural agricultural community, then yes, I would expect housing and food prices to be noticeably cheaper and to take a corresponding pay cut. (But then again, depending on the work you do, rural areas may offer competitive salaries to attract talent.) Look online at real estate listings to get an idea of what housing prices are, since that’s the majority of a person’s budget – what’s it cost in the new location for a place like where you live now? If it’s only a couple hundred dollars less per month, try to stick near your existing salary. Remember, you’re more experienced now than you were when you started at this $60-65k job!
Google “cost of living comparison calculator” and you’ll get a few hits.
The last time I lived somewhere really rural, I was surprised that the food was actually more expensive than I was used to. Turns out that being really far away from… everything… can drive up costs too.
I’m not sure this is true at all. Housing is the biggest expense for most people, and if rent for a 1br apt is $2k+/mo in DC, it’s substantially less than that in Richmond or Raleigh or any other smaller city. Sure, grocery prices are going to be similar, as will gas and utilities, but that isn’t where the majority of her spend is going to be anyway. Things like eating out in restaurants will also be noticeably cheaper, as well as services like haircuts, mani/pedis, child care, house cleaning, etc. Remember that $500 less per month in housing costs is $6k a year *after* taxes and other deductions, meaning $8-10k in salary.
There are online calculators for COL. I recommend checking a few of those out. Example: I spend $1k/month for 1000 sq foot 2bed 2 bath apartment with garage, private balcony, 10 min drive from work in an area everyone has a car. Food is shockingly inexpensive compared to cities (I frequently travel to Chicago and Denver to visit family). Insurance and taxes are generally lower. When I moved to my current city I used online calculators and spent a couple days pricing out my “standard” things like living, food, and entertainment. You also might be able to negotiate benefits or PTO that make a salary decrease not that painful.
Looking for tips about buying autographed sports memorabilia. I want to purchase something as a gift but am not sure where to start or where to get a brief education about it.
This is a g00gle question probably. There’s likely a dealer in your area whom you could call to chat with and if there are multiple, try with a few and see what info you get and then go from there. You may also want to check fb for groups so you can find out from them who is known to be legit versus not.
I’m sure there would be a Reddit forum on that topic.
What do you want? I’d love to unload some of my husband’s. FWIW, he is also ready to let it go: realizing that he can own it seems to mean he doesn’t need to do so any longer.
Yankees stuff!
I was the poster above. My husband supports a tam that requires him to think of the yankees as the devil on this earth, so his memorabilia will not help you!
Advice on boundary setting needed. After a messy divorce, I bought my own condo three years ago. I foolishly thought my ex and I would remain civil and gave him a forwarding adress for my mail. Then I met someone else, and recently moved to a new house with him – tenants are moving into my condo next month. Meanwhile, my ex’s psychological issues spiralled and I went no-contact. I’ve deleted him on social media and won’t answer his emails, so he has taken to coming to my condo building to drop off insignificant mail (usually fundraising requests from my alma mater, which I apparently never updated the adress for) and, randomly, candy. He then emails me a picture of the letter and candy he left in the hallway, with no comments. I think it’s meant as a gesture of goodwill (he wants to be “friends”), but also, he is the kind of person who is unable to comprehend “I don’t want to be in touch anymore” and will somehow try to change my mind for no good reason. We don’t have kids, there is no reason for us to talk. He doesn’t know I moved, and I don’t feel like telling him, but I don’t want him roaming the halls of my old building, and I have to go get the mail every time because it’s lying around with my name on it, and once the tenants move in I don’t want him stuffing random candy in the mailbox. Any useful scripts on how to handle this? He’s not violent and I don’t fear for my life or anything, but he is manipulative and mentally unstable and I don’t want to talk to him or tell him about my private life.
Set up mail forwarding, block his emails, don’t talk to him or further engage.
How can he get into the building? Do whatever you can to stop that. It is wildly not ok to let renters move into this situation.
He can get into the front hall – there a first door that isn’t locked and a table and chairs. He can’t get past the 2nd door (locked) unless someone buzzes him in, and a key is required for the elevators. He’s been leaving stuff on the table out front.
He could absolutely slip in while a tenant is coming in or out. If he’s there often enough, someone might vaguely recognize him assume he lives there, and hold the elevator.
Is the building managed by a company? Is there any security? They need to be made aware, and your tenants do too.
“I don’t live there anymore,” The end. Repeat as needed.
Do not engage, leave the mail. It’s not worth your life. These situations can escalate quickly. Set up your mail forwarding as soon as possible. If you really felt strongly about it, you could leave a note/mail a note to the new tenant asking that they mark all mail coming to you as “return to sender,” which they should be doing anyway.
I mean, I honestly think it would be worth getting a restraining order given what you’ve said so far – mental issues, spiraling, won’t take no for an answer, showing up despite being asked not to. This is a laundry list of red flags and I can absolutely see you moving being enough to ‘set him off’ in case he escalates further.
I can’t tell from your wording if tenants=new owners of your condo, or if you’ve rented it out. Either way I would very clearly let the ‘tenants’ know not to share your new address or any contact details, ditto if there is a condo board.
I’d also lay it out clearly for them – my ex, who is not mentally stable, tends to randomly show up here. Please do not give him my contact information. It’s not super kind to dump the handling of this on them (he does not live here, please do not come here, if you do we will contact authorities). Can you notify your divorce lawyer of this situation and communication to him that he is not to contact you?
Oh jeez, I hear what you are saying, but if I was moving in somewhere and the landlord told me exactly that (oh hey, my mentally unstable ex shows up sometimes) I’d be looking to get out of my lease, depending on how hard getting a new apartment is.
I think just clearly laying out that they should not give your address to anyone should suffice, no?
Nope. OP needs to to take action to stop this happening not foist it off on tenants. They shouldn’t be renting in these circumstances! This is selfish and putting them in danger.
That’s fair. I guess my point was more she should be prepared from them to bail, unfortunately for her.
I tend to agree with this. Also, if you’re renting to women, especially a woman living along PLEASE give her a heads up even if it costs you the tenant, this is a BIG risk you’re foisting onto them.
The condo is being rented out. I guess I should tell the tenants, but yeah I don’t feel great about shifting this to them. I haven’t spoken to my divorce lawyer in ages but could possibly go that route.
I think you need to tell ex you’ve moved and are t providing a forwarding address to him. I’d break the lease in a hot second if you told me that as your tenants.
Tell your ex that you are moving. Do not tell him that you are renting out the condo; let him think that you’ve sold it. Do not tell the tenants your new address. If you need an address (for example, they want to send the rent check to you), rent out a PO Box.
I think this is sensible advice.
In case you haven’t bought a new place yet, consider doing so through an LLC or something that isn’t your name. Even if you don’t give your ex your new address, he’d be able to find you with some average search skills otherwise.
It sounds like a restraining order is your best option. Honestly, I would let tenants know not to give out your info (if they have it) but if I was the tenant, this would make me never move in. I would also consider the idea of texting him once, saying “I no longer live there and, as I’ve told you numerous times, I am not interested in being in contact. Best wishes, please do not contact me again or visit my prior residence.” Then you have it in writing. If he shows up there or reaches out again, it might be easier to get a restraining order, though getting one would give him your new address.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this and love that you found someone special enough to want to move to be with!
Please get the police involved. Additional tell the tenants this BEFORE they move in or sign a lease, it’s incredibly cruel to spring this onto unsuspecting people.
My tenants signed a lease several weeks ago, and at that point this was not a thing at all. It all escalated because after several months of not speaking, there was a sudden flurry of random contact from him that caused me to escalate into blocking him and saying I didn’t want to speak to him again. My tenants are not in danger, I just don’t want them to have to deal with this. I am reaching out to my divorce lawyer as per the suggestion above, to get him a letter saying I have moved, please don’t show up at my former adress anymore, and I no longer need my mail forwarded. I also managed to update my alumni address so he won’t be getting those anymore.
Thanks, all. I was vaguely considering a restraining order over the weekend but feel like the police will laugh me out of the station if I tell them about unwanted candy being brought to my hallway. My tenants seem lovely and I don’t want to freak them out! He can’t get upstairs but the whole thing is bananas.
Gently, something isn’t adding up here. He shows up unannounced, he shows up in your life repeatedly after you have told him not to, you don’t want him to know where you live (which means you think he may continue to show up if he can find you), yet you say your tenants are not in danger. Both can’t be true and, since the first section of that is based on fact, I encourage you to reconsider that the second is an incorrect guess you are making.
His behavior is not appropriate and it is crossing boundaries and safety concerns. This means a person is not safe around him. With him having any access to someone in your building whom he may think knows where to find you, they are inherently not safe. Whether it’s a risk of argument or an altercation, we don’t know, but neither are appropriate for a tenant to be dealing with.
The reality is that this needs to be a police matter, if they laugh at you, that needs to be escalated further, tenants need to be told, you need to expect them not to move in (and for you to not rent the place out until this is done with), and you need to set up every method of hiding your location from him (buying under an LLC or trust, not putting your name on utilities, etc.).
I also encourage you to seek out support from a professional so you can process the experience of being put through this. Your partner may want or need support too as it may be difficult for him to witness this happening to someone he loves.
Please do not gaslight yourself and put your safety or tenants’ at risk.
+1 the tenants are in danger and it’s so irresponsible to put them in danger without their consent
Hm, maybe you’re right. I am used to my ex being weirdly mentally inflexible, kind of in his own world and not very good at boundaries, but I would not describe him as violent or dangerous. That being said, we haven’t hung out in years and based on the communications we have had recently, he is not in a great place and can have unpredictable mood swings. I was trying to decide if I was overreacting, but the responses here have prompted to write to my divorce lawyer for help. It’s also definitely affecting my mental health to have to deal with his random appearances in my life, which was the whole point of going no-contact. Thanks all for the advice.
Woops, I forgot to go Anon for this. Oh well.
Gift of Fear. Gift of Fear. You can find the pdf online for free. Sometimes a restraining order can escalate the situation further.
You can ask the mods to remove your name in case you don’t want anyone seeing it later
Reply to his email with ‘I do not live at that residence anymore. Do not leave anything for me there. Any Mail can be marked return to sender. Please do not contact me.’
Since people have already addressed the ex husband part, just on the mail part: are you diligently updating your address with those businesses that you care getting mail from? Or asking them to stop mailing you? This is some effort, but arguably better than engaging with your ex and it does work. After three years, I’d imagine that the stuff arriving at your tenants is not the stuff you care about, so just give them permission to throw it out.
Good point – I have updated almost everything. The only thing he seems to be getting are fundraising requests from my alumni association, and I found how to update that this morning. But he might find some other reason to show up (last week he “returned” some things that were apparently mine, such as a candle holder from the dollar store).
It’s not clear. Have you told him you don’t want contact or have you just ghosted him?
I didn’t ghost him. After the divorce, we were occasionally in touch – I think I wished him a happy birthday the following year, he asked for pictures of our pet, etc. Then at some point when I met my new partner I kind of stopped talking to him and I thought things had just naturally died off. About a month ago, he called me to tell me a family member of his had passed, which I was genuinely sad to hear about so I was nice. Then he called me again, extremely agitated, asking for “legal advice” (mostly ranting about things). Then he called me the next day again. When I said I was busy (which I was – middle of a weekday) and he should really hire a lawyer for his legal problems (I am a lawyer but in a completely unrelated field), things got nasty. So I explicitly told him, in a nice but firm way, that I needed to move on and did not want to talk to him anymore. I received several passive aggressive emails about how I was petty, he just wanted to “reminisce about the good times (???)” and the like. I ignored them all. Any further communication with him, including “I do not want to talk with you. End of story” will prompt anger, sadness, sending me cute videos of puppies to “cheer me up”, whatever except quietly leaving me alone, which is why so far my approach has been to not engage, but now I need to do something about it because this is getting out of hand.
Please please please read “The Gift of Fear” which has a great section on stalkers and how to protect yourself.
My ex boyfriend did this. It escalated.
Ok it’s ridiculous you’re not just letting the post office handle your mail forwarding, and that you still have mail coming to your old address after years of not living there. Get on top of this and quit expecting your ex to deliver your mail. Any mail that doesn’t get forwarded to you is probably junk mail and you don’t need it.
I don’t think you read the post clearly? She does not want the ex to deliver her mail. She has forwarded her important mail. Her ex is using the excuse of returning random junk mail to her to stalk her.
This is a weird take? I don’t think this is what is happening at all? a) she’s not expecting her ex to deliver her mail? Quite the opposite, she wants him to stop? He’s bringing her over the remnants of essentially junk mail that any rationale person would know the other person does not need. b) the post office will only forward stuff for a certain period of time, and even then things slip through the cracks.
Hopefully her addressing the alumni stuff which seems to be a culprit should take care of most of it. We still get junk mail for the person who lived here two owners ago in the mid 2000s. Sometimes it’s an impossible spigot to fully turn off.
I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this.
I believe you need to do some real re-framing here. You are repeatedly declaring you don’t think he will get violent or scary yet the more details you give the clearer it is that he is not well and is willing to take it out on you or others. Please stop underestimating the severity and danger of this situation and act accordingly. If you need random internet strangers’ advice to be worried and take this seriously, please take this permission to get scared and take action.
Anyone one else’s Indian (in America) parents absolutely 24-7 obsessed with the covid situation in India? I get it — it’s sad and I’m glad to see other countries helping. I’m glad my family there has had it and all were lucky enough to have mild cases with minimal symptoms and didn’t need any kind of hospital care which is impossible to find. But it’s this non stop obsession with calling every family member every day to check on them. It’s calling them daily to discuss the same thing over and over like how important vaccines are (they are largely vaccine resistant) and how their servant and their cook and driver all need the vaccine too. Then I get to hear your aunt’s neighbor across the street from her old house (which she sold 15 years ago) has it and her husband is very sick. Then it’s the non stop commentary on what a bad job the government has done (it has) and how an oxygen cylinder costs $2000 and that’s a travesty (it is) because it means poor people can’t afford oxygen even if they can find someone selling it etc.
I mean I do understand how tragic the situation is but part of me is like aren’t we glad our family there is fine now and that we here are vaccinated and kind of move on to having a “normal” summer as by all predictions any variant surge that happens will be more likely in the fall/winter? Like I struggle to understand the obsession with negative news — though they are anxious, fairly negative senior citizens to begin with. Part of me is like what exactly are they going to do and talk about once this improves in India?
I think you need to find a focus outside stressing over this. They’re watching a deadly catastrophe unfold in their home. I’m sorry their distress is inconvenient for you but come on.
I assume they share their distress with OP blow by blow, if they’re anything like my parents. It gets old esp when the distress is like 3rd hand — I mean come on the aunt’s neighbor from an old home she hasn’t lived in in decades? I’m pretty sure OP doesn’t know that person and has never seen them in her life.
…People are obsessed because the situation is incredibly dire. It is hard to even describe how disturbing the news reports are. It sounds like you want all of them to get over it because you’re OK here in the United States. Not cool.
Does anyone have recommendations for charities to support right now to help India and other countries that have extremely poor vaccine distribution? What can we do? I usually support Doctors Without Borders, but that feels less relevant here because of the scope of the enormous covid problem.
Aditi Shah, the Peleton yoga instructor, who is Indian and family live there, has a resources list in her instagram bio right now but is also at truebayindia dot com forward slash covid19 relief which has many useful local links to a variety of different causes which might be helpful.
It’s just heartbreaking.
I’m not Indian-American, so I can’t speak to that aspect, but this statement struck me: “they are fairly negative senior citizens.” My 75 year mom was OBSESSED with everything she felt was “going wrong” with the country and watching the news to judge whatever “train wreck” was being reported and sharing awful news stories and the like. This from a woman who came from a middle class family and lives her comfortable retirement in Florida and whose children are happy and healthy and productive members of society. I couldn’t understand why she was so consumed by things that didn’t affect her, but it’s definitely a thing amongst older parents – we’ve discussed it here before. (I have no idea what happened, but once Trump lost the election, it’s like a spell was broken. I’m deeply grateful that her world once again consists of Hallmark movies and solitaire.)
Wow. Ageist much? Replace that with millennial and see how that feels to your ear. Or maybe African-American? Or any other group for that matter.
Boomers have earned their reputation.
Right. And all women are emotional and all Black people have rhythm. Next.
Lol, ok boomers.
There is definitely something about loosing the day to day structure of a job and simultaneously not having the incentive for getting along with people who disagree that comes with working for your living that results in retired people just watching the news all day and changing into this negative senior citizen stereotype. Of course not all seniors, but it’s a thing.
You do this on literally every post where somebody uses the word boomer and it’s super old. Get over it and get over yourself, grandma.
My (GenX) spouse was like this at the start of the pandemic. I don’t know if this helps, but I was pretty vocal about telling him that personally, I didn’t find it made me LESS anxious to check all the statistics and news stories every day. You can check in on people, you can advocate, you can try and help, but endlessly monitoring the news from a terrible event is just endlessly monitoring the news of a terrible event.
I’m kind of surprised by your post.
The situation is absolutely horrific in India, and what you describe from your parents is what my relatives living in Brooklyn were doing when there was similar devastation going on. And it is much worse in India.
It sounds like you just want to sweep it under the rug, “Our family is fine so lets have a nice summer….”. Your parents are clearly still deeply connected to their friends and family there and I would be similarly obsessed and devastated if I were them.
+1. The OP finds their distress annoying because she wants to get back to normal and it’s inconvenient to think of death. Really classy.
I have to say it doesn’t sound like you actually “get it.” But it also sounds like you need a break, which is okay. If this were my family, I would let them know that I can’t talk about it anymore, and that if it does come up, I’ll need to absent myself from the conversation. I wouldn’t say my need to not talk about something is really respected, but once I’ve followed through on this a few times, it does come up less often because they know that the conversation is over if it does.
Indian-American here. My parents are super concerned with the situation in India – frequent topic of discussion – but I wouldn’t say obsessed. We are watching a humanitarian crisis unfold in their home country. It’s really not just whether our family is ok (they are) – they are concerned with their countrymen in general.
However, they do talk incessantly about bad restaurant experiences when they have them, so pick your poison I guess, lol.
Caveat — I have been accused of being callous but as an Indian American whose parents are doing the same, I do agree with you. Sorry but I AM ready to be over this because things are better in the US and my family in India is fine. Let’s move past this. But some people want to sit and catastrophize and because it’s INDIA we (my siblings and I) MUST listen because even after 40+ years in America, my parents are way more attached to India.
Yikes. I hope my children are not this insensitive and mean to me when I’m old.
I realize there is likely nothing I am able to do about this as an American with no connections/access and yes I realize it’s complicated, but I wish there were something I could do to help influence the government to donate the AstraZeneca vaccines we’re never going to use to help. If anyone has had any ideas, let me know.
Millions of our AZ doses were already sent to Mexico and Canada. The US in a member of WHO which is a member Covax, an international alliance that is assisting internationally with vaccines and funds for distribution networks. You can read more on the relevant sites. In the US, enourage friends and family to get vaccinated as soon as they can so we can move as soon as possible from our effort to supporting our international efforts.
Updating this, the White House just tweeted that the rest of our AZ doses will go to other countries.
I’m SO happy about this.
The idea that your family should “get over” a horrible situation in their home country just because they’re currently in America is strange. They talk about it every day because the situation is developing. Keeping up with news involving their larger community isn’t anxiety.
I think you do not understand how serious the situation is in India.
And I say this as a non-Indian, white person who has no family ties to the country – but I have many good friends here in the States with family in India, who are worried sick right now about their relatives.
And BTW: “I’m glad my family there has had it and all were lucky enough to have mild cases with minimal symptoms”… This does NOT mean they will not get infected again, especially with a potentially more transmissive variant around. I have examples in my circles here in the US where people got Covid twice, and more serious the second time (prior to vaccinations being available).
So, your parents worrying like crazy and pushing on their relatives there to get vaccinated is exactly the thing they should be doing!
Lol yes I do understand how serious the situation is — just because I’m not discussing it 24-7 doesn’t mean I don’t know the facts. As for convincing relatives to get the vaccine, sure say it once, say it twice; must you call them daily and have the same discussion for weeks on end? They’re grown adults, they aren’t your children. As for relatives getting it twice, see that’s exactly the kind of catastrophizing and borrowing trouble I don’t understand. It fortunately isn’t a huge % of people getting it multiple times anywhere; but IF that happens, we can deal with it and worry about that relative then. Are we prematurely going to take on a worry that is just a hypothetical right now?
I’m from a European country where vaccination rollout is slow and the 3rd wave is in full swing, so far pretty much as high as the Nov-Jan wave. Even though the 60+yr old members of the family are all vaccinated at least once now, I still worry about the healthcare system being overloaded, and that they won’t be able to get the care they need in case they have any serious medical issue. And my siblings are in their 30s and wn’t get vaccinated any time before Jun/July. Average age of people in the ICU is getting lower and lower, so I’ll be very worried until the numbers in my home country go way down and all my family has had the shot.
Jeez, you sound like you do not have much empathy, TBH.
I am also from a European country that has been hit hard and very anxious about it, even though, thank goodness,my family has been OK so far. I have to say, most of the world is really in the thick of it and its a little tone death to think that, because things are better in the US, they are also better elsewhere. My parents’ American friends seem to think they will be coming to visit any time, when that’s really not the reality for a good chunk of time now.
I”m Indian and American, and in my family I’m the one who is the most interested and knowledgable about politics and current events. I completely get what you’re saying about the constant whatsapps and calls, but that is definitely peoples’ way of coping. It truly is a horrific, disaster movie situation over there. I’m actually kind of glad that people are finally paying attention to the effects of not paying attention to local government and the corruption and the “it’ll be fine” attitude when it really won’t be, and to the negative impact the BJP has.
To your point, just re-assure them and when they tell you that a random person had covid just say
“sorry to hear that” and move on. This is not an Indian vs. not thing, this is a common dynamic in a lot of communities.
I try to focus on proactive things – can we donate, can we help? And if not change the topic.
As an actual Indian in India watching people die around me and bodies pile up on the streets decomposing in the heat because there are no slots in the crematoria, while our fascist government ignores us and calls us anti-nationals for bringing this issue to light, YOU make me retch.
Your parents rightly have massive survivor’s guilt as immigrants, and desperately want to be able to help by at least lending an ear and circulating to as many people as they know what the real scenario is because the media is either effectively pro-government or disallowed from accurate reporting. Your petulant griping shows that you exemplify the worst of the “ugly American” stereotype (which I’d have thought was obsolete after November 2020) and that you revel in the fortunate circumstances of your birth in another country.
As they say on this platform, scroll on by (tune out your parents) if you don’t like what you see or hear.
Seriously, eff you. I say this as I receive yet another text announcing the death of yet another family member of a colleague.
How much sympathy did you have for us when it was NYC?
Are you insane? The whole world was concerned about Lombardy and Manhattan at the height of the pandemic. Who is ‘us’ and who is ‘them’?
Indian from India who your thoughtful reply was directed at: plenty of sympathy to NYC, Michigan, Italy, Spain et al. It was covered in depth on the local media, and many of us in the country have friends and family in the earlier severely-affected countries. We just didn’t choose to lay out our heartlessness on this forum or most other public forums that I know of.
Wow, calm the f down. There is a difference between helpful discussion and feeding peoples fears. Of course you should provide useful information, correct whatsapp misinformation, etc. At the same time, my cousins also don’t seem to understand how quarantines actually should work, which is crazy, because they’re doctors. They also don’t care that their government is fascist and doing fascist things, and somehow don’t understand that it is making this situation much, much worse. So there is really a limit to how much you can comfort people like that.
Of course the situation there is terrible, you can be very knowledgable about it, but after providing and receiving actually useful information there is a limited amount of stuff to do.
Also, you know its not like our fault right? The US didn’t cause India to have this covid issue. Yes I know there is this raw materials issue going on but what about having a lockdown at any point, social distancing at any point, not having rallies, not having weddings, not having religious festivals – none of this is the US or any Indian Americans fault. and its dumb of you to respond with so much vitriol as if it is.
Just stop. People don’t want to read your heartlessness today.
I’m not saying this to them, I’m saying this to you. I’m being very nice and polite and helpful to them, but their inability to follow basic quarantine rules KILLED OUR GRANDFATHER, something they don’t seem to care about or have any remorse for. Also, said relatives just came to the US to visit, so there’s that.
Indian in India here. Do not tell me to calm the f down. Is this what you tell the bereaved or any victim? I did not assign any blame to any nation or population but mine – and the government in particular – so kindly put your gaslighting aside. My “vitriol” was aimed at the OP who was moaning about why her parents were making a big deal of their connections in India.
You were way out of line in your projection and your extreme lack of empathy.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Right? This whole thread makes me so angry. Shame on you for thinking this was appropriate, OP.
I’m so sorry. I’m in NYC and still remember how scary the situation was last spring, and what you are dealing with sounds a million times worse. My thoughts are with you.
Indian in India who posted above – thank you. I deeply appreciate your thoughts as do many of my countryfolk. The help and reporting from other countries has been hugely impactful in the last few days.
So basically people can only say “there there” to you and pat you on the head. Anyone else you’ll scream at? Got it . . . .
Anon at 1.01 pm, are you for real? So anyone who doesn’t nod at you and say “yeah, them parents and their obsessive behaviour, so annoying, amirite” gets a snarky, dismissive response?
I am Indian and currently outside India and my heart hurts too. I am sooo sorry for what you and the country are going through, and anxious, and praying for things to get better.
And for the commenter upthread, I felt the same way last year about Italy and New York.
I dunno – in March/April 2020 I watched cable news 24/7 and read the local paper and the NYTimes and WaPost covid coverage daily, multiple times. And talked or texted with friends about it daily. I was obsessed and stayed that way until this January when rates here went down and vaccine distribution began. OP I think your parents are worried for them and I understand. It’s like watching a slow-motion train wreck – hard to look away.
I’m an Indian-American and I’m sickened by this post. The lack of empathy, the extreme blind privilege…as the Indian from India said below, it makes me retch. Honestly, the situation in India is dire. You are living in your entitled, privileged bubble if you’re mad at your parents for “obsessing” over this crisis in India. The worst part about your post is how blind you are to your own lack of empathy and privilege—and HOW RIGHT you feel you are.
Help your parents process this massive trauma – their friends, family, community members are going through something truly unimaginable and they feel helpless and frustrated here. This is how they’re processing. Help them channel it to something productive.
It doesn’t matter that this is about India…pick any country or city…what a horrible traumatic situation for its citizens to go through and the complete blasé, “why can’t we all live normal lives” tone you’re taking…truly heartbreaking.
Let me break it to you not so gently – wake the f up. Your life isn’t ever going to be “normal” when the rest of the world is going through such crises. Your parents are going to be dealing with this for a long time until the rest of the world can get vaccines quickly and scalably, so I hope you learn some productive coping strategies soon.
I honestly think this is probably OP’s coping strategy (if you make sure to be a sociopath, extreme suffering can’t upset you!). Or that’s what I’m telling myself about the other people in my life who are expressing similar sentiments right now.
No. One of my family members died two weeks ago from Covid in India. He had gotten the first dose of his vaccine.
Reposting as I didn’t get to post this until the weekend — Would it strike you as weird if you got an interview at a trade association (as a lawyer) along with the video link they sent you helpful hints (like review our website; think about experiences as you’ll be asked – name a time when etc) and said dress code was business attire? I’m 15 years out of school, not a college kid so this much instruction strikes me as weird, like is this a micromanager type of place. But then I’m like don’t be so negative, this could be a dumb HR thing. If you know trade associations, what do you think? My experience is NYC biglaw, so this is new to me.
No. For the same reasons people gave you over the weekend. I’d assume this isn’t personally targeting you but rather spelling out standard expectations for all candidates.
No, I’d consider it a company leveling the playing field for all and a place where they want to hire the right professional match so they do all they can to stop options for attire or surface stuff from undermining interviewees.
You may think this is weird or obvious but that’s a place of privilege (your background, education, friend group, personal experiences, etc.). Not everyone has it and often it’s those in marginalized communities who learn the hard way. Knowing a company knows this and is actively trying to support successful interviews would make me want to work there that much more!
Yeah, this is considered a best practice if you actually want to hire a diverse workforce. You want to ensure that candidates are all provided with a similar level of information and background, regardless of class or family ‘guidance’ available.
I would just scroll through it, take it as a data point about the job, and move along.
Although – I have been known to work with trade groups and it really was a shocking amount of ‘customer service’/dealing with people who think they know a lot more than they do but learning from them anyway. It’s probably not going to be a BigLaw type gig, but it is most likely an interesting job that expects you to have a life.
It strikes me as something that they do across the board to help out people who are new to the workforce and/or do not have parents or professors who taught them these things. It is often easier to implement a policy for all interviewees, rather than trying to decide who really needs the advice.
I’m a lawyer-lobbyist in DC and spend 80% of my time working with trades. I say it might not be a good fit for you unless you can lower your standards. Nothing about the trade world is comparable to NYC biglaw. Trade associations, even the giant national ones, are run by just average, everyday people. Even if they have an “impressive” national president who was the CEO of XYZ, the people who work there are just normal people. Think of it more like government: 40 hour workweek, do your job and go home, chit-chat before the meeting starts kind of work. The kind of email you describe is absolutely something I could see maybe half my trade clients sending to a prospective applicant. Micromanagement wouldn’t come to mind at all – I expect the email was driven by a friendly HR rep who thought this would be a good idea to help welcome candidates and set them up for success. Let me know if I can answer any other questions for you.
this post came across as unbelievably snobby and arrogant.
lol wow – they might have some brilliant lawyers but I can safely say any organization that is called “not NYC Biglaw” is 100% more appealing to me by virtue of the comparison.
Yiiiiiiikes!
It’s good practice to give the same information to all candidates.Maybe this was developed for their entry level positions and is simply being given to everyone. Or some trade associations get a lot of candidates out of academia, and they can use some help with these kinds of norms.
Nope. They are setting expectations early and making it clear that they are not trying to trick people or hide the ball. I imagine these instructions are not for you, they are for a wide variety of potential applicants, including some that have different educational and professional backgrounds. Sounds like a good place to work.
This. It’s also a good screening procedure. If a candidate fails to read and follow the instructions, the hiring panel can be certain that it’s because the candidate didn’t bother to prepare rather than making excuses for the candidate (I have seen this happen more than once, resulting in time wasted on follow-up interviews for unsuitable candidates and, at the worst, poor hires).
Interviewing outside of a law firm is likely much more egalitarian, so you as the senior lawyer and the incoming intern/entry level people are probably getting the same talent management information. I would not be offended … and assume this may occur elsewhere in the hiring process.
I don’t mean this harshly, but that was an adjustment I had to make when interviewing for in-house roles… Unlike law firms that generally have an “attorney recruiting” or similar structure, with staff hiring handled differently, companies usually use the same staff and resources to hire all positions.
I think this is a fantastic practice – making expectations clear so candidates can put best foot forward and be evaluated more fairly. Presumably every interviewer gets the same tips.
Talk to me about having more than one dog. For context, I have three kids between the ages of 6 and 11 and spouse and I both work FT out of the home (he is WFH one day of the week). We have short commutes and I can go home at lunch to let our current dog out. She’s 5, loves other animals and kids, medium energy, and has the run of the house during the day.
We’re considering adopting a second dog (a lab) who’s probably between 2 and 4 (she’s a rescue so exact age unknown, but a friend is fostering her and says she’s incredibly sweet). My hypothesis is that the two dogs will play with each other (and wear out my first dog, who doesn’t need a TON of exercise but would benefit from a regular playmate). My other guess is that this wouldn’t be double the work…maybe 1/3 to 50% more work than a single dog? Help me think through pros and cons!
We have two, and honestly once we got over the adjustment period (neediness, learning personality), the only extra work is filling two dogs bowls twice a day instead of one.
+1. Except there is twice as much petting to do
I have found that an extra pet is really only about 10% extra work. They entertain eachother and on a day to day basis prevent things like destruction from loneliness or boredom. The primary consideration is just extra vet bills and more food.
This is my experience too.
This is exactly right. We have 3 dogs.
A young lab is going to have much more energy than your current dog, and is likely to need to be crated when unsupervised for safety. You will be taking on several times as much work.
We previously had a lab mix, and some of our family members have labs. The only kind of household that’s going to be truly happy with a lab is a very active household where someone is home and actively paying attention to the dog all day. Having another dog won’t help that much. For comparison, our current dog is a 7-year-old golden mix who has about 1/10 the energy of the typical lab, and she still requires 5 miles of walking per day to be a calm happy dog and not a wild ball of excess energy.
Thanks for this — we’ve had labs before, so I know what I’m in for!
You may want to plan for additional in-home training and such as they may be enemies or ambivalent or whatnot, not all double pet households have a pair of buddies. Costs may be worth considering too. Also, if you aren’t already regularly coming home for the dog at lunch, is this realistic or just what you theoretically could do but may find a huge pain? Much like having another human kid, I always figure to side with no until or unless you’re an enthusiastic yes so that the tiny being in question doesn’t end up in a yuck situation. If you can get to the enthusiastic yes though, I hope they become bffs!
I think this depends on you and the dogs. I find two dogs to be a lot more work. I walk my dogs twice a day, rain or shine, for exercise. When I got a second dog, I realized that I could not easily walk two at one. They walk at very different speeds and both are pretty large/strong so I worry that I cannot control both at once should a squirrel or bunny get attention at the wrong moment. We have done tons of leash training and both are great dogs; I just cannot walk them together. So instead of 90 minutes of dog walking a day, I am up to three hours. With a demanding job, I don’t have much time left during the week for anything but work, dog walks, an basic survival. All that said, I love my dogs and would not do anything different!
This exactly. I have never seen a person keep more than one dog under control at the same time unless both dogs were trained to work off leash and obey voice commands. Otherwise it is mayhem.
Well trained dogs don’t reacts to squirrels or bunnies, so maybe that’s the difference.
I will always have more than one dog. I have so much less guilt over leaving when I know there’s canine companionship. I think this will be particularly important as more people return to the office and social life, kids to school and activities. In this situation, knowing the dog’s personality because your friend is fostering is huge! Please let us know what you decide and how it works out.
I would get a second dog in that case as long as you have enough savings to feel comfortable with the increased medical costs (something I think a lot of people overlook). The only real extra work for day to day life is more food, two dogs to bathe occasionally, and two dogs to pick up after when you go on walks. Seems worth it to me.
Having two dogs isn’t that much more work, but twice the food, vet visits, doggy daycare/boarding can add up.
Also think about if you ever travel with your dogs, how much space they will take up in your car. I got a 3rd row SUV in part because we frequently take weekend driving trips with our dogs + kid.
Also more than 2x the dirt and fur.
I’ve seen the addition of a 2nd dog go extremely well and extremely poorly. The ones that go well is the people paid attention to dog psychology (alpha dogs vs. you as the alpha owner etc) – is that something you’ve considered with personality of dog #2?
I think it also depends on your dog. Our second dog is definitely more work, but she’s more active. My other dog would snuggle all day long.
How do you figure out a good handyman to hire? I know the best way is referrals, but I don’t really have this option. The referrals I get are more like “well, here’s a list, go pick one.” I need help hanging up built-in shelving that is going to need ~50 large holes created in our wall and the need to be perfectly aligned. I guess I’m kind of freaked out that I’ll end up hiring someone who does a sloppy job. Help!
I’ve found Nextdoor to be really useful for this.
+1
Also check community facebook groups – my town’s is super chatty about this kind of thing.
I just use the app Handy and cross my fingers. So far zero problems and it’s all gone fine.
I use taskrabbit for this and chose someone well reviewed.
+1 I’ve never had a bad experience with Taskrabbit.
As a counter point, I’ve used taskrabbit twice and the people were completely incompetent.
Most handypeople (they’re not all men) I know will come take a look to give you an estimate. Or at the very least will talk to you over the phone. Call three people off the list, have them come take a look, lay out your concerns and ask them how they would handle it. Then pick the one that appeals to you the most, and tell the others that you’re going with a different contractor, thank you for your time.
I was once an organized person, pre pandemic. I was also an “aspiring minimalist”. However, I feel like I’ve had an explosion of crap over the last 14 months. I work in public health so I think it was a combo of buying more for convenience (buying more work clothes so I don’t have to do laundry as often, etc) and being so exhausted when I do have time off I don’t clean/organize/cull things as much as I once did (and also some emotional online shopping, for sure … and some stocking up on things to limit shopping)
Now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel I have a craving for a clutter free life again. I don’t have the time I had pre-pandemic , but I’m no longer working 90 hour weeks. I need help kickstarting my decluttering.
I like to start with one discrete thing at a time. Pick a shelf. One table. A surface. A drawer. Get that one thing ship shape. Then move onto the next.
This, the petri dish method. I work on one area (or room, if small) until it’s satisfactory, then move on. No flitting around from thing to thing, spinning my wheels.
One of the 40 bags or 365 days programmes might be helpful? I tend to go room by room.
I love doing the January Cure on apartment therapy dot com. It’s a 30-day annual tradition there and they make a helpful chart and articles to follow along with. You could do it for the month of May or June?
I am not sure what you are looking for here, but some suggestions from a person in a similar situation:
Take stock of what you have and put like items together in one place. If you have extra pantry and paper items, first stop buying them at the store and second start planning some meals using those extra ingredients. You will start to see some extra space on the shelves and that can help build momentum. As a personal example, all the hand soap is now in one place so I can see it and know I don’t need to buy any anytime soon. Before, I had some in a few different places so had no concept of the overstock.
Break down the decluttering into small chunks and take on one chunk a day. A single drawer. A particular table or area of the counter. Whatever. Or break it down by item – work pants, for example. Gather all of that item and cull to what you need/want to keep. It’s pretty satisfying and I found momentum builds as you go from small task to small task.
If the cleaning part is a pressing issue (it was for me), I bought some large tubs in which I put all the “stuff” from one area or one room. Then i cleaned. Then I put the stuff back. This helped me see where I had too many of one thing or where I had items in one place that really belonged in another. If I just had too much it was a matter of either culling or realizing I need to stop buying that thing while I get through it (e.g., hand soap). Once the area was super clean I was pretty motivated to keep it orderly and it made tossing extra or rarely used items pretty appealing.
When deciding where to start, I find that visible surfaces (tables, counters and side tables, chairs or sofas with stuff thrown on them) make the biggest impact for me.
I set a timer and do 20 minutes at a time. Usually when the timer is up I want to keep going. I also keep a bin of things to post on Buy Nothing and donate.
Start with the easy stuff. Since you’ve been shopping more – have you got rid of all the boxes and bags etc. yet? Any sort of recycling or actual trash – do that first. Same if you have some piles of newspapers, magazines, any sort of tower of papers that are non-essential but you just haven’t gotten to yet, and realistically never will.
So you’ve been stocking up to limit shopping. Take stock and start using the things. Have lots of pasta, tins, ready meals etc? – eat from your stock.
Your new (or old) work clothes – do you actually have room in your wardrobe for the extras you bought, if everything is clean at once? Are you using the stuff currently in your wardrobe, or actually just using the things that are in the wash? If you have more time to do laundry now, identify your favourites, and get rid of the items that you’ll only wear if your favourites are dirty and you can’t do laundry for another week.
But seriously, start with the easy stuff, you’ll build momentum and reawaken your decluttering mojo.
Get the second one! Two dogs is the same amount of work, since they both do the same things at the same time (eat, go out, go for a walk) so it does not feel like extra work. As opposed to a second child, which feels like more than double the work.
I signed up for Noom on a whim yesterday as I desperately need a change in my habits and to lose weight. I’m not totally getting the interface or methodology yet. Any tips, tricks or general suggestions for those who have used it?
Reddit is likely a good place for this!
I used it for 10 weeks and lost weight. I still use the tracking app for free. The coaching and interacting were not of interest to me. The lessons were nothing new but reinforced what I already know. It allowed me to change my habits and maintain my weight. It isn’t magic. You have to eat less and eat better food to lose weight. It worked for me.
Talk to me about traveling this summer — would you do it in my position? Haven’t gone anywhere since Feb 2019 (so I don’t vacation yearly anyway) but I had kind of vowed to travel at least 1x/year and then the pandemic happened. I really want to go someplace this summer. Yet IDK flights are packed and will continue to be packed so even being vaccinated I end up thinking “well is this necessary” and then always come down on the side of NO because how necessary is a vacation? Other issue is I only want to travel if I can go to a city/small town, stay in a luxury hotel etc. — i.e. I’m not into hiking, camping or national parks nor into AirBnBs and those are the safest ways to travel compared to hotels which could have connected HVAC, will have elevators etc. I’m higher risk (cardiac) so I spent pretty much 12 months holed up in my apartment, only leaving once every 10 or so days to get groceries. So now I’m vaccinated and leaving my apt multiple times a week, going on walks, will go into Target to buy stuff usually at off times, will get takeout — basically the things normal risk people did during the pandemic. I REALLY need a vacation, yet IDK I keep coming down — should I? Would you go? Anyplace you’ve heard is super safe? I’d be flying from DCA so while I know Hawaii has good protocols, I’m definitely not comfortable on a flight and in airports for like 10 hours; I’d consider driving but if I flew I think I’d want 2-3 hours max for this first trip. Recommendations?
I’m flying to Croatia so yes I’d do it. For you, I’d do Bermuda. It’s a short flight, lovely hotels.
+1. I was going to suggest Bermuda as well. OP, if you prefer domestic, many places in New England are also lovely in the summer and have nice hotels (e.g., Maine, Rhode Island, Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard).
High risk + still in a pandemic + no requirement to go anywhere or once in a lifetime moment = an absolute no go for me… I would instead unplug for a few days at home or something so that I can take a life vacation but not put my health at risk. Nowhere is “super safe” right now and the locals in the places that are close to it don’t want tourists coming in and possibly bringing in germs.
She’s fully vaccinated.
I can’t address your medical questions, but I wouldn’t say flights are universally packed. My husband just flew from DCA to MIA last week and the flights were mostly empty. We’re flying DCA to PDX in July for a wedding and just bought tickets last week and had our pick of seats in the cabin – only a couple seats were sold.
Also, take a look at the studies on airplane air – their filtration systems make it safer than just being in a room with someone with COVID. https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/10/20/925892185/do-masks-really-cut-your-risk-of-catching-covid-19-on-long-plane-flights
How about OBX? Close enough you could drive. Surely there are some B&Bs there. Or go the other direction toward Cape Cod or Maine?
DCA to MIA was empty? How did that happen — I thought Fla flights were generally packed? I wonder if it’s because we’re past the traditional spring break season for both colleges and k-12.
Not the OP but an early flight midweek would likely be only part full (partying groups don’t usually opt to fly at 8am on a Wednesday), and if you fly Delta they had continued blocking the middle seats for a long time. I think it’s ending this week, though.
This. Try to opt for flights that are going at times/days when party/vacation folks don’t travel — i.e. the flights geared towards business travels. Business travel is like down to nothing right now even in places where offices have opened and while a lot of those flights have been canceled, not all have. If an airline was flying DCA to MIA at 8 am 5 days a week, chances are it’s down to 2 or 3 days a week now but those flights are more likely to be empty-ish compared to say Thursday or Friday night when the getaway for a long weekend travel begins or Saturday/Sunday going away and returning from a week’s vacation travel happens.
Honestly this is where the vaccine “campaign” is failing. Once you’re vaccinated, unless you’re in the category where it won’t work for you, you have gone from high to low risk. Take the vacation.
We are not high risk, but are vaxxed, and immediately booked 3 flying trips. (3-4 hour flights.)
For you, unless you’re in the category where the vax may not be as effective, I’d definitely plan something for later this summer! From the East Coast tons of islands are direct flights — USVI? Bahamas? Bermuda? Slightly further but Aruba?
I don’t understand why fully vaccinated people are still concerned about getting the virus. The vaccine is very very effective and even if you do get covid, it will be mild. Your entire post is about risk to you, and there is none
Not sure if OP falls in this category, but there are a lot of high-risk people, including me, who do not know if they will respond to the vaccine like others do. There were good articles in the NYT and The Atlantic about this recently. We still have to be very concerned about contracting the virus.
Yeah… Since I’m not established with a new hospital system yet, I missed my annual screening to see if my immune deficiency has progressed to the point where I would need to be concerned about vaccine efficacy. It takes a long time to get in with a specialist. And last I checked, there was still no data about vaccine efficacy for people with my conditions in general. Certainly we weren’t included in trials. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but for some people, the vaccines will just not take or will not be as effective.
I read it more as the OP needs to mentally ease back into normal, which is why I would just pick something in driving distance and go with an area with good vaccination rates and low numbers.
Generally, I do want air travel to operate at capacity, because it’s already such a big environmental price to pay.
How about Portland Maine? I personally would not go south of DC in the summer, so islands are not appealing. Portland has a lot of nice restaurants, nice weather in the summer, things to do, and is in a state that has been pretty reliably good with COVID (benefitting in part from low population density but still). You could probably find a nice BnB where you could keep windows open for ventilation. And you could fly or drive. I would also look at Burlington VT.
FYI I’ve stayed in a hotel twice in the pandemic and both times, the bathroom fan didn’t work. I finally realized they have disconnected them off because they probably share HVAC. So I think the individual room units may vent outside or have appropriate filters; at the very least, this is something hotel chains have considered.
I haven’t stayed in a hotel with a working bathroom fan in more than a decade, and pre-pandemic I stayed in a lot of hotels.
yeah I think 95% of the time they’re only installed for show. And this is at all price points.
One thing about hotels though — check RECENT reviews before you book. If you look at hotel reviews lately, lots of reviewers are saying their hotel rooms were fairly dirty — sure they’d have the Hilton seal on the door or whatever but the bathroom wasn’t super clean etc. Hotel housekeepers are notoriously low paid and were laid off last year and now are making the extra unemployment money. It hasn’t made sense financially for them to come back and hotels aren’t willing to raise their wages so that they make more from working than staying home. So every hotel is down a number of housekeepers yet as travel is exploding, the number of rooms to clean is not going down so it’s a limited number of people doing a fast job. FWIW I was looking at reviews in major Fla. tourist cities and did NOT see complaints; but then looking in smaller cities like Richmond Va, yeah definitely unclear where you can stay there and still have a good experience. I have a feeling hotels in major tourist spots are paying the $$ but then those same chains in other locations are trying to save money with less help.
Huh I had the opposite reaction reading recent reviews. It seems like most of the negative reviews are things like – omg I can’t believe they don’t have the breakfast buffet, and the pool was closed, and we didn’t get daily cleaning – things that are very very clearly covid restrictions.
If you’re concerned about flying then why not go somewhere in driving distance? If you want a beach, there’s the MD, DE, or NJ beaches. If you like small towns, what about a tour of New England towns? Mystic, CT would be a lovely start. If you like wine, VA wine country is awesome and has several luxury resorts.
For those of you with course and frizzy hair, what are your favorite Hair masks or deep conditioning treatments? Ideally under $20.
“It’s a 10” leave in.
I know I always will share about this on here, but I started “curly girl method” last July and it changed my hair. I have very very minimal frizz now, and it’s a result of taking out silicones & sulphates from my hair products. That being said, I use garnier fructis 1 minute hair mask once a week and it is great and around $5!
Aussie Miracle Moist 3 minute miracle and Mielle Organics Mongongo Oil Protein Free Hydrating Conditioner (or if your hair likes protein the Mielle Babassu Oil and Mint Deep Conditioner). Make sure to rinse really good because they are heavy but work wonders.
I have good experience with Matrix Pro-Solutionist Total Treat (black jar, keratin-based) mask for damaged/dry/frizzy hair. It provides what i needed and fills in the damaged places in hair. I believe that you cannot repair damaged hair, you can temporarily “cover” the microholes with good products and trim, trim, trim. I would also get a good thermal protection product to prevent further damage. The mask lasts for 6-9 months on medium-long hair, I use it 3x week.
Learned something new today on a psychiatrist consult- if you have major depression, every episode you have makes it more likely you will have another and they get harder and harder to pull yourself out of. While I wish someone would have told me this 20 years ago, it explains so much of the last 5 years, and was the push I needed to finally consider medication and not just my giant list of coping skills that I have acquired over the years. So, sharing in case anyone else needs to hear this.
I needed to hear this.
This is good to know, I didn’t really realize this.
At the same time, I’m not sure why people are so hesitant to take medication. If you had high blood pressure and you had tried diet and exercise (coping mechanisms) but they weren’t working, would you be so hesitant to take meds? Yes of course side effects and concerning and should be considered, but they’re one factor. If it would make your life better, take the meds – there is no reason to just deal with a huge list of coping mechanisms forever.
Meds have improved my life a lot, improved my career, probably made life easier for my family too because they don’t have to deal with me being a mess – all positives.
There’s no test that confirms who does or doesn’t have depression in the first place. The meds aren’t a “can’t hurt, could help” proposition. They made my life much, much worse. I think this is because I didn’t have depression. But so long as doctors misdiagnose other medical conditions as depression and lack any assessment tools that can distinguish depression patients from patients with other conditions, lots of people are going to have miserable experiences with psych meds.
I think this is related to that maximizer vs. satisficer convo from a few days ago. Medicine is a science but also an art, and there are a lot of conditions which don’t have an obvious test. There are meds for both mental and physical conditions that may or may not work. And if you’re unsure if you have it, I understand the hesitancy.
But when you 100% know you do, like some of the other posters here, why refuse it for years? Many medicines come with a “we could try this”. Also, it does take some while for meds to kick in, but you can get off of them after a few months if they really don’t work.
The alternative is to struggle for years with something that you could make much better, for no solid reason.
That’s an interesting connection. I am definitely very much on the maximizer size. I think I agree that it’s worth trying meds if they are clearly indicated and it’s clear that things aren’t turning themselves around without meds. After experiencing discontinuation syndrome and some side effects that lasted months after quitting, I’m not quite as comfortable with the idea that you can just quit them again if they don’t work out. But I also think if doctors were a bit more circumspect in prescribing, or if they did a better job with differential diagnosis or developed better testing to see which drugs would work for which patients, there would be fewer horror stories out there to dissuade people.
The same is true for panic attacks. Once I learned this, it was way easier for me to get on medication and start doing things to control (and completely stop) my panic attacks.
Same is true for me with headaches. I wish I had gotten on top of them sooner.
I needed to hear this; my problem is related. Over the last five years, a few people (sexist manager, family of origin) have verbally and psychologically abused me until I mentally collapsed. After that, I enacted a zero tolerance policy: people who start to treat me like that way are not part of my life. Instead of being stronger, I feel fragile, like the mental collapse is one bad go-round away from happening again.
Sorry to hear this. I have become more resilent, b/c I went through he!! with my ex. It was all I could do to get him out of my apartement once Dad said to dump him for good. I was a mess, w/o a boyfreind and w/o any male below the belt attention that I craved. But over the past years, I’ve learned to do without, and not to settle for just any schlub who will keep me satisfied sexueally, b/c there is so much more important things then that. I may not have a ring, nor a child, but I have my self respect, which is more important then being miserable with a self centered schlub who has male body parts which in the end mean nothing. Once we figure this out, we will all be better off. YAY!!
Seeking input from people who hate exercise who have successfully incorporated it into their lives anyway. I have never liked exercise, but recently purchased a Peloton after seeing lots of other “non-exercise” colleagues who love theirs. I like it, I’m sticking to it more than any other form of exercise I’ve tried. However, I can’t get into a state of “flow”. I stare at the clock the entire work out, and grit my teeth through the whole thing. I don’t look forward to exercising and have a hard time motivating myself to do it. Ideally I will ride everyday first thing in the morning. I am currently doing every other day, usually in the evening because I put it off the entire day. Any resources or advice?
Honestly, this is why I sold my Peloton. I was loving in person classes but one of the main reasons is that there is no clock on the bikes! I can’t do clocks; I obsess.
It doesn’t sound like you actually like the Peloton. Is there a way to make riding the stationary bike more enjoyable, like watching TV while doing a programmed workout instead of doing the Peloton classes? You shouldn’t have to grit your teeth and get through your workout. There should be some aspect of it that is fun, even if it’s challenging.
I know the feeling you describe. There are two things I do. First, I focus on how fitness supports my goals of having fun outside. I love to ski, ride horses, and backpack and being physically fit is important for all of those things. I remind myself that time doing squats now will benefit me when I’m out there having the adventure I’ve been looking forward to for a long time (“better to suffer now then halfway up a mountain.”) Second, I’ve identified the machines/activities I simply hate and have found alternatives. I CANNOT do the elliptical. I just cannot – I want to tear my hair out after 45 seconds (and that’s with Netflix playing), but for some reason, I’m totally fine with the treadmill. Therefore, I don’t try to force the elliptical and stick to workouts on the treadmill when more fun options aren’t available. I’ve found that trying to grit my teeth and get through the stuff I hate makes me less likely to come back for the next workout.
Find exercise you like. It exists. I despise spinning and it makes no sense to me, but I’ll happily ride a real bike or do a Beachbody workout or go for a run or go for a walk or lift weights. Your thing might be swimming or indoor wall climbing or dance class or trampoline jumping.
But if “liking it more than other exercise” is as good as you think it’ll get for you, just keeping pushing through. It takes 3-4 weeks to make something a habit and for it to become easier and therefore enjoyable.
How long are your Peloton workouts? I’m like you — I’ve always liked how I feel after exercising but getting into a workout is a chore. However, we got a Peloton in February and I’ve definitely drunk the Kool-Aid! Perhaps counterintuitively, I find that I watch the clock less on longer workouts (45 mins, sometimes 30 mins). I also like the class stacking feature to string together a couple of shorter workouts (ex: core, arms, yoga) b/c I’m able to switch it up. I also started doing the Discover Your Power Zones program and that gives me something to shoot for in terms of improvement. Final piece of advice: have you tried different instructors? Each one definitely has their own feel and focus, and you might find someone who resonates more with your style if you sample around a bit.
Are you hiding the timer? I find that if I leave the timer up/have a clock in view, I end up counting down the minutes. If I can’t see it, I am much less focused on time and can get into the instructor and the music.
+1. Hide the timer. I flip the monitor on my rower so I can’t see it.
Some thoughts from someone who has been using the Peloton app (with a non-Peloton bike) for the past six months: 1) You may already know this, but you can make the countdown clock on the touchscreen disappear by tapping it. I do this every workout now. 2) Have you found Peloton instructors and music styles you like? For me, this can make a difference in how quickly the workout goes by. 3) Is there any chance you’re picking classes that are too difficult? As someone who was not in great shape when I started doing Peloton rides, I was initially frustrated because I was selecting rides that were too challenging for me. Use the difficulty ratings to pick rides that are challenging, but not *too* challenging, and gradually build up from there. 4) Finally, every time I get back into a cardio routine after months away it does take about 1-2 months of gritting my teeth to get to a place where exercise feels enjoyable. It’s almost like I need to build up a base level of cardio endurance. If you’re like me, then you may just need to push through the first several weeks.
Is there a TV show or genre you love? Then you only watch that on the Peleton. But honestly, give it a good faith effort and after 3 months, reevaluate. Life is too short to torture yourself.
+1 This is what I was going to comment. I go through phases where I love working out and phases where I hate every minute but keep pushing to do it because I know I’ll feel better afterwards. Watching a TV show that’s my “exercise only” show (usually real housewives of… somewhere) helps me get through those times. Also giving myself permission to give the work, like,50% effort. I’m normally a bit of a striver, who wants to get all the moves correctly, not take breaks, push through, etc. etc. and sometimes just showing up needs to be my goal instead.
I love superhero movies, so decided I could only watch them while working out.
Result: I look like Endgame Thor and I’m five years behind in the MCU.
For me, the “flow” comes after a workout: I feel so good after a workout and I have more energy the rest of the day. I’m a sloth and will not go the extra mile in any area of life on the days I don’t work out. I have tried all kinds of exercise and what works for me is thinking about the laundry i will complete or the work project I will start after I finish my workout.
I found out that when I am doing a hard (spinning) workout, I suffer like hell, but have zero extra physical/mental energy to check time. Try different workout levels/lengths/settings or different video source (I use Les Mills Trip and occasionally mix in free YT videos from GCN channel – there are some brutal interval trainings that last 30-40mins). Seems spinning is something you can stick with, I would experiment with workout settings. I also like the hybrid workout idea of doing 15min spinning, 15min core, 15min yoga (as poster A. recommends).
It’s a mix of two things. Finding a sport that you can stand, or do it in the most enjoyable way. It seems like you can stand the Peloton well enough that you stick with it. I go running but learned at some point that I am fine for 2-3 miles and get bored out of my mind at longer distances. I decided to not force myself to do longer distances and that has helped me to keep running regularly.
The other thing is patience. When I fall off the bandwagon for a while, there is no point in beating myself up over it. I also am still patiently waiting for the mythical moment when my body craves exercise. After 6 or 7 years of consistent exercising, I am at the point where it’s more a habit than something that I need a ton of willpower to do each time and I usually feel pretty great afterwards. But there still are plenty of days where my better self needs to push me. The only time when I crave it is when I’ve spent 12 hours sitting on a plane. I am at the point where it’s a sustainable habit and that’s enough for now.
Definitely hide the timer if you’re not already. You’re going to finish the whole class so there’s no point in knowing how much longer you have to go (I frequently remind myself of this and it helps.). Also try adding in more variety. I really like the peloton cycling classes but when I do them more than three times a week, I don’t enjoy them anymore. Peloton has lots of options, so try mixing in some strength classes, yoga, floor cardio, etc. I would also add in some non-peloton classes, like just going for a brisk walk outside, finding a YouTube workout channel you like, strength training while listening to a podcast. I find variety to be key in sticking to a workout routine.
+1 for mixing up the Peloton classes. Each week I aim for 3 days cycling, 2 days strength, and 1-2 days of yoga and/or a long outdoor walk.
Try to switch yourself to a morning rider! Honestly I ride first thing because I’m barely awake — I don’t hit a state of flow, but the only thing I have enough brainpower for is just doing what the instructor tells me. Start small, like 10- or 15-minute rides, to get used to it early in the morning. I also really like the bootcamp classes, where you are on and off the bike a bunch – that makes the classes go faster for me. I’ll also make my own fake bootcamp with a 10-minute bike ride, 10 minutes strength, 10 minute ride, then 5 minute stretch. Those are way better for me than a 30- or 45-minute bike ride.
I wouldn’t necessarily aim for riding every day. I don’t have a Peloton, but enjoy exercising, and I definitely don’t exercise every day.
I do try to walk every day though. Maybe try to use your Peloton 3 days per week and walk outside the other days?
I have not found a trick other than sheer force. I hate exercise, I hate sweating, I hate breathing hard. There is no magical sport or class or activity that will make me enjoy moving. I want to sit on my butt and read books.
I was going to say this! I HATE working out. I do it because I want to be health but in 50+ years of life I have never found a form of exercise that I enjoy. So I picked riding a stationary bike because I can get a good cardio work out even when the weather is bad or I miss the gym hours. And I do it even though I hate it because I want to live to be old. If I keep looking for a form of exercise I enjoy, I would never break a sweat except on a hot day at the beach with a icy beverage.
Thank you all for the advice! I am very new to the peloton and have had it less than a month. I’m definitely still figuring out what instructors/styles/music works for me, and I’m also completely out of shape so its really hard right now. I am going to grit my teeth through at least the next 3 months and reevaluate. I think I just need to trust that if I get through 3 months of this that I will start to enjoy it. And if not, I can sell it, but need a plan to find some other form of daily exercise.
I’m late so not sure if you’ll see this, but it took me several months on the Peloton (riding 2-3x per week) to get past the initial grit and enjoy. If you’ve only been doing it for a month, give it time. I don’t even think my but.t had adjusted to the seat before the 3rd week or so, so I was still in some pain.
One phrase of advice I learned here (many many years ago) is future you will thank current you for exercising ( or doing the thing, this phrase works on many levels. I hate working out, I hate packing my bag (in the old days) for the gym. But I know I feel stronger now that I’ve been going almost daily and thank the me of a few weeks ago for making the effort. And I also exercise every day otherwise its harder to go back.
Quick random question – what are the best products for removing ticks from the skin? I could’ve sworn I saw a recommendation here for some kind of scraper/remover, but I can’t recall when or whether it was a post or just a comment. Anyone know? We’re entering tick season and we’ve had one case of Lyme in the family before so I want to be prepared this time around.
The tick twister. I just bought 3 from someone else here recommending it!
Ok not OP but my knowledge of tick related first aid must be outdated. I thought one of the risks was leaving tick parts behind in the skin (risk of infection, not necessarily lyme) so you wanted the whole tick to back out on its own before grabbing it. How does a tick twister not break the tick apart.
Read the description but the point is that it removes the entire removes the entire tick without squeezing it. Not putting pressure on the body of the tick (as a tweezer would) avoids the ‘juices’ (ugh) getting squeezed into the bite/your bloodstream. They are also easier to use if you have arthritis/poor grip strength so good for grandparents/younger kids to use themselves in a camp backpack.
I’ve used The Original Tick Key with good results.
What are everyone’s thoughts on me asking for a week of vacation a month after I return from maternity leave? This is a new job I started a month before my leave.
If you are interested in why the poor timing, it is because my husband has that month off before starting a meeting job and he will unlikely get time off for a while.
Wildly inappropriate. You worked only a month then took leave now want vacation? Insane
Nope, and my answer is largely driven by the fact you were only an employee for a month pre-leave. Horrible look.
Sadly, I agree. If you want to develop your career at this job, you cannot take a week off any time soon. Now is the time to build your reputation and show you can do quality work.
Yeah, to be honest, this would not be a good look. Particularly if people are having to cover for you on things when you are not there, but even if not.
Small chance if you have a really laid back culture and awesome boss that if you explained the situation they might be understanding, but I don’t think you’ve worked there long enough to even know that.
No way. In addition to looking bad, this will probably put you way in the hole on PTO accruals. You’re going to need every minute of PTO you can get just for the day care illnesses (you and baby).
Not great. Does your husband have no vacation time at Current Job that he can take while you are still on leave?
HAHAHA no. But way to contribute to the “women of childbearing age aren’t reliable workers” stereotype.
Though I agree about it being too early to take a vacation, why must we always default to using one person’s poor decision making as an indictment on all women who have children? We as women can be our own worst enemies sometimes.
The problem is that men and childless women use one person’s poor decision as an example of how all women with children behave, not that other women are calling OP out on that poor decision.
From Anon at 1:40: that is literally what I said in my reply post to the commenter who said OP was playing into the stereotype. The issue is that the commenter is saying this plays into the stereotype (e.g. using this one scenario as an indictment). I have no issue with the other commenters calling OP out.
It depends on your industry, but FWIW: If I asked for a week of vacation after returning from mat leave, no one would care. But if I asked for a week of vacation after returning from mat leave AND had only worked a month pre-leave, I would definitely get sideeye.
The only way I can see this being okay in my workplace is if your partner was military about to be deployed for a year tour.
No. Go to work and do your job.
The timing stinks, I’m sorry. Better for your husband to leave his current job early so that you can spend that time together.
I mean just go on vacation while you’re on mat leave. It’s not like you’re conscripted to the house during that time.
What are everyone’s thoughts on asking for a vacation a month after I return from maternity leave? This is a new job I started a month before my leave. The timing is poor I realize, but it’s the only time my family’s schedule works bc my husband has a month off then before his nee job….
I’m sorry y’all for this double post!!
I just got the athleta pranayama wrap that a bunch of ‘rettes recommended here. I got my usual size, but the arms are really, really long on me. There are thumb holes, but even if I put my thumbs in them, the arms have a lot of fabric (reminds me of wearing pantyhose that are way too long and create folds around the ankles). Do others have this issue as well? I’m going to keep it, but I will be rolling up the sleeves.
I didn’t — but you might want to try the Petite?
Yes, it is quite long on me too. How tall are you? I’m 5′ 7″. But that’s also the style a bit… it is long, a little heavy.
But agree with the other poster that you could try the petite.