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Thursday’s TPS Report: Lace Hem Suit Skirt

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Tahari by ASL Lace Hem Suit SkirtThis skirt is part of a set (blazer here) but to be honest, I think it might be a bit much as an entire suit. By itself, as a skirt, you have a lot of interesting points — the bold vertical stripes, the lace detail around the hem (which does not seem to be see-through or overly boudoir-inspired) and just a great summer basic to be paired with a white blouse. The skirt is $69 at Dillards. Tahari by ASL Lace Hem Suit Skirt Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

215 Comments

  1. Not crazy about the skirt.

    BUT I do need a skinny (1/2 to 3/4 inch) red belt to help add some shape to some things that are too boxy. Any recommendations? I’d like it to be shiny (not dull) but not patent leather.

    1. The only one I could find that is somewhat shiny but not patent is the Ralph Lauren Saffiano skinny leather belt (at Lord & Taylor, but the URL was insanely long)

    4. Thanks! I have some Gap/BR gift certificates, so this really may be win-win.

    5. If you have time, check out summer craft fairs and art festivals. I’ve gotten my best belts from leather workers who go from festival to festival for really decent prices–$30-$50! They have a variety of sizes, colors, finishes, and buckles but there are always some basic belts in the back. Just know what size/length you need and they will cut it on the spot. If they don’t have what you are looking for, most will take an order. Also, don’t be shy about mixing and matching belt buckles. If you love the leather on one belt and the buckle on another, they will make a custom belt.

    6. I have one I took off a Target dress that I can give you!!! It’s not that it’s a bad belt, it’s just not a color that works in my wardrobe. It’s a small.

  2. I love this skirt – I pretty much go crazy for any and all things lace. I think I’d like it better as a full/a-line skirt though. I’m discovering that pencil skirts are really not the best for my shape – they ride upwards and it’s really, really annoying. Dos anyone else have this problem?

    1. This riding up thing happens to me when the pencil skirt is cut for a more straight-hipped person than I. I just have my tailor let out the hips on the skirt, while keeping the waist the same, and then it fits perfectly and doesn’t ride up. I wonder whether taking in the waist might work as well as letting the hips out – I’ve never tried that. Either way, I think the riding up means you’re more pear-shaped than the skirt, but it’s an easy fix.

      1. This a genius, simple alteration I never thought to ask a tailor to do. Thanks for the tip!

    2. Yup- means the skirt is too small on the hips, too large on the waist, or both. I usually get the waists taken in since seam allowances often aren’t enough to let the hips out.

      1. You ladies are wise. Maybe I’ll try tacking in the waist to see if it helps. I have a couple that might be a bit tight in the hips, but I do suspect it’s more of a waist issue. I am definitely bottom-heavy.

    3. I agree. It is VERY dificult to wear a pencil skirt when your tuchus is not VERY flat. Otherwise it look’s like an up side down teabag, with the tea bieng your tuchus. Mom said NOT to wear pencil skirt’s until I am down to 115, and I am NOT there yet. FOOEY!

      But this one is cute AND the lace is very sexy. I wonder if I could EVER wear this at the office b/c Frank would be stareing at my leg’s and thinkeing he should be abel to look at my thigh’s or worse! DOUBEL FOOEY on that b/c he is MARRIED and he can look at his wive’s thigh’s. FOOEY.

      Rosa thought she had some prelim LABOR pain’s but it was just a false alarm. The doctor is staying on CALL just in case They do NOT know if it is goeing to be a BOY or if it is goeing to be a girl. I hope it is a girl! Yay! Robert texted me again to say hi. I think I will call him fish breathe! Thank’s Myrna!

  4. I’m a junior attorney and just switched practice groups, and my new work involves a lot of giving advice about security measures required by law. I’m reasonably tech-savvy when it comes to personal computing, but I’ve found this stuff to be at a whole new level – things about large server networks, firewalls, cloud computing systems, etc. Does anyone know of a good resource, be it CLE or maybe a free online course, that I could use to help me get familiar with the technical aspects of computer networks? I asked the people in my group, most of whom have been doing this for years, and they all said they just “kind of picked it up,” but I’d like to get up to speed a little faster.

    1. There is a trade group called ILTA — the L is law and the T is technology. My husband used to go to their conferences and meetings and is for computer people dealing with law firms. There is also a nonprofit called the Regional Computer Forensics Group if you are near DC at all — they do some trainings, etc., but it’s more for law enforcement types. Good luck!

    2. This NPR Fresh Air interview from 2012 is with the author of a book about the physicality of the internet — stick with me for a sec — so he discusses the background of cloud computing and some other stuff, and it helped me visualize what had been a relatively abstract concept to me. Definitely worth a listen and it might help you figure out what other areas you need to learn more about? http://www.npr.org/2012/05/31/153701673/the-internet-a-series-of-tubes-and-then-some

    3. There are a number of sites geared towards network administrators that might help. I’d suggest skimming the headlines of ZDNet and the TechRepublic White papers. Linking below for moderation.

      2. Ars Technica is another tech site with good articles I find helpful in this area.

        Wikipedia really is embarrassingly helpful. I did not get XSS (cross-site scripting) until I read it.

        If you’re in the DC area, I’ve been getting emails for a free symposium next Tuesday that sounds relevant. http://asymmetricthreat.net/asym7/evite4.shtml It says by invite only, not sure how you get an invitation but they might give you one if you just ask. I can’t vouch for the quality–like I said, the invite just showed up in my inbox.

    4. Could you try something like a Computing for Dummies book? Also, your law firm likely has a large IT department with at least one person who is well versed in (and enthusiastic about) security issues. Perhaps check with your CIO to see if there’s someone who could point you to user-friendly resources?

    5. Wikipedia. I’m in a technology niche as well and it’s a lifesaver. Also, invest in a computer dictionary. For niche-specific reasons, I like the Microsoft Computer Dictionary but it hasn’t been updated in a while. There are a number of good online computer dictionaries too.

    6. Consider an ISO27001 intro course. It won’t give you a lot of technical or specific legislative background but will give you an understanding of an international standard in security and the steps associated with determining a risk profile, assessing assets and risks and applying appropriate controls.

  5. My husband has been at his company for 16 years. It’s a large corporation and he does technical maintenance for machinery and other systems in the buildings. He’s got a 401k, and we use his health benefits. He gets paid hourly and gets overtime as needed. Overall, it’s a good, stable job and he could see himself retring from there.

    Out of the blue, his best friend of 25 years offered him a job doing technical sales at his company. The friend’s company is a small business but has been around for about 10 years. The friend is not able to keep up with new opportunites for the company and wants someone to focus on sales to help the company grow. My husband has never offcially done sales, but he definitely has the personality for it. Also, he loves technology and computers and would definitely be passionate about the products he’s selling.

    If my husband switched jobs, we’d have to move over to my health insurance. He could keep is 401k, but the small business would not be able to match funds like his current company. However, his base salary at the new company would be same as what he is currently making and once he reaches a certain quota he could get commisions from sales.

    It’s definitely an exiciting opportunity, he’s 40 and is not sure about making such a huge change at this stage in life. He’s been talking with his friend and there could be a potential down the road to maybe become a partner in the company. The friend definitely wants someone he can trust and who can procure new business to help the company grow.

    It’s exciting, but scary at the same time to go from something stable to something unknown. We’ve never been faced with making such a huge change like this.

    Any advice on things to consider (financial and otherwise) when considering making a change like this? Thanks!

    1. Congratulations to your husband on the exciting opportunity! I think when you’re evaluating switching over to a small or new/expanding business, you should consider some different factors than your husband is probably used to at a large corporation.

      1) How transferable are your husband’s skills? If the friend’s business went under, would your husband be able to find a similar job (either to this job, or his old job), at comparable pay, in your region?
      2) How comfortable are you guys with savings? If there is a bad quarter, and the new business is late making payroll, can you handle that? Or would that be a deal breaker.
      3) How does your husband handle situations where there aren’t “defined tasks” or job responsibilities, per se? At small businesses (especially very small businesses, like it sounds like your husband’s friend has), one of the exciting and scary things is that everyone wears many different hats. At a large company, roles are more structured and defined. Is your husband prepared to switch fairly seamlessly from grunt work to C-level work within the course of a day?

      That said — if not now, when? I think it’s worth taking a leap for what sounds like an exciting opportunity.

    2. 1) If he doesn’t make his commission, is he ultimately making less thanks to the trade-off of no overtime?
      2) Will the job require travel? Will the company provide a car allowance/gas card/fleet vehicle? Do both of you have the flexibility to handle a spouse with a somewhat unpredictable schedule?
      3) Has he talked to his friend about what kind of profit margain they will take for jobs? This is more flexible in a small company. It can be frustrating to not be able to bid a job because your company only wants jobs with x% percent profit margains, even if they could make the same money on 3 jobs smaller jobs of y% profit margin.
      4) If the company is also responsible for the installation and service for the product, do they have the manpower to support it?

    3. I think the other commenters raise great points. The big missing piece of information is what’s your job situation? What percent of household income is yours? Do you have kids? If so, who takes point on kid stuff? If you, would your husband’s new job give him more flexibility to do pick up/drop off/etc., leaving you more free to take on additional responsibilities in your job (if you want that)? How stable is your job? How good is your health insurance? (Presumably not as good as what your husband has now or else you guys would be on your insurance, right?)

      1. My job situation is stable. I provide the majority of the household income and I currently make about 30K more than my husband. Other than it being an exciting opportunity, there is the hope that he could eventually make more than he is making now. He has gotten small raises at his current company, but it’s been difficult to get any major advancement.

        When we got married, I was still in college so I started on his health insurance and its been easiest just to stay with it. The plan at my company is comparable – they are both high deductible plans. The only difference is that his company will deposit money into the HSA based on completing a health screening. My company may start doing that for next year.

    4. Thanks MoA and mascot for your feedback!

      Even if he doesn’t make commission, he will still be making the same base salary as he does now. One main conditon with switching was that he didn’t want to be making less than what he does now. The OT pay doesn’t add that much to his current paycheck, so we’re not entirely dependent upon that.

      There would be travel invovled, but he is reimbursed for mileage. It’s a local business, so no travel out of state. We don’t have any kids, so the upredictable schedule wouldn’t be too much of a problem.

      From what I understand, the company does support installation of the product. The owner (friend) wants to be able to focus more on that area and managing the support staff and have my husband focus on sales. The problem is right now he’s doing both and feels like sales are slipping since there is not one person dedicated to it.

      Thanks again – I’ll keep these questions in mind and discuss them with my husband.

      1. How comfortable would he be with potentially losing the friendship if the job doesn’t work out and he gets fired? I’d never go into business with my best friend.

        1. I was going to suggest thinking about this too. How would he feel about taking orders and receiving critical feedback from this friend? Also, if this opportunity does have the potential for him to become a partner in the business, how would he feel about providing suggestions or having a difficult discussion with this friend if the friend does something that is hurting the business.

          I’m not saying it can’t work, but its something I’d think a lot about and probably discuss these concerns with the friend as well.

          1. Good points, and I’ve mentioned these to my husband. I want him to discuss and lay out the boundaries of the working relationship before/if he starts. Being friends can be complicated when there is business involed!

      2. One other important factor – even if he says “same base salary”, is that as a W-2 employee or a 1099 employee, or as a partner? Thats a HUGE difference, since 1099 employees and some types of partnerships have to pay self employment taxes as well. What about other benefits? Would the friend expect a “whatever it takes, how many ever hours it takes” employee, or more like 40-ish hours a week even if they aren’t necessarily 9-5? What about paid vacation or flexibility to take time off? How long has the friend been doing this business, and does it seem to be a stable industry? I would be wary if it is a business founded on the government subsidies – for instance, there were huge tax rebates on solar panels, wind turbines, energy efficient windows, etc for a few years and a lot of companies sprang up to sell and install them, but when the subsidies weren’t renewed, a lot of those businesses went under, as their business model wasn’t sustainable without the subsidies.
        Also, do your husband and friend have the same definition of what they mean by “sales”? Is it supporting existing customers and helping them make decisions on upgrading equipment, etc or is it going out and finding new customers? Do customers come to them, or would he have to do cold calls or knock on doors to find new clients? Is this a very good friend of your husband, and is he willing to risk the friendship going bad if the business doesn’t work out for them?
        This sounds like a great opportunity, but you are right, it is risky. Your husband should be sure not to burn any bridges when/if he leaves his current job in case the new business goes under, so he can maintain his network of previous coworkers.
        Last, given that your husband has been at his current job a long time, does he have a lot of vacation time saved up? Could he take a week or two of vacation and shadow his friend, see what the “sales” component of the work really entails before he commits?

        1. Thank Meg. I’m not sure about the W2, so I will ask about that.

          The business has been around for around 10 years. Currently, he has contracts with local government agencies, schools and other local businesses.

          He would be starting off doing sales by supporting existing customers and the goal is to expand to new customers and larger contracts.

          My husband could get re-hired back at his current company and depending on what time of the year he starts, would get back his full benefits.

          My husband actually mentioned taking some time off his current job spend time with his friend at the new company. I think it would be helpful for him to test the waters first.

      3. I’m surprised everyone is being so cautious about this. Your husband is only 40! If he wants to try a promising new opportunity, he should go for it. It sounds like a good fit and a good base pay. You already have a stable job. The only risk is that he won’t end up liking it or the small business will go under or that his friend might not be the best business partner. But if that happens, your husband can find another job, right? It’s not like you get one chance at one company and that’s it for life.

    5. May be useful for your husband to understand more about how sales currently happen for his friend’s business – is the product needs-based ? how do they get leads ? who are their competitors and how competitive is their pitch ? – and also if the friend has expected outcomes from adding a dedicated sales person eg. x new accounts, y revenue growth.

      While there are people who may appear to have the right personality for sales roles, sales also takes a certain discipline, particularly if you are starting with a blank page and need to develop leads and a pitch, and just keep pitching and pitching until something bites.

  6. Quick poll: your very generous Easter bunny (also known as: Mom) is letting you pick between the following two bags:

    Coach Legacy Duffle in Lemon
    http://www.coach.com/online/handbags/Product-legacy_leather_duffle-10551-10051-19889-en#121540

    Coach Legacy Large Duffle in Emerald
    http://www.coach.com/online/handbags/Product-legacy_leather_large_duffle-10551-10051-19893-en#111654

    Which do you choose?!?

    My initial thoughts (both bags are sitting on my kitchen counter…):

    Love the the Emerald color but not the larger size bag. (Also, the color is so on-trend, I wonder how I’ll feel about it in a year or two…)

    Love the size of the Lemon bag, but already own a purse close to this color.

    Help me, Hive!

    1. I am biased by my love of the color yellow, but I’ll try to stay objective :)

      -Which is more important to you: size or color?
      -Would you consider the emerald in the smaller size?
      -Do you like this yellow bag more than your existing yellow purse (if so, could you replace said purse)?

      Either way, they’re both beautiful. The Easter Bunny has good taste!

    2. Can the Easter Bunny do exchanges? If so, I’d say get the smaller one in a color you like.

      If not, I’d go with the bigger one in Emerald. You’ve already got a bright yellow bag, which is a pretty bold, statement-y color. How much use are you going to get out of a second one?

      1. Godzilla is all about the emerald. If the purse matches my skin, then the robbers will have a hard time snatching it. RAWR.

        1. We disagree but still get along.

          King Kong can get hug? You right size for hug.

    4. I’d go for the yellow too, but I’ve been considering getting a yellow purse because I feel it’s bright color that wouldn’t look weird with any other colors. I don’t know what I’d do if I was in your situation & already had a yellow bag. Is the Coach bag a better bag than your current yellow one? Could you give away/consign/sell/donate your current yellow bag to upgrade to the new one?

      But, the green is a great color too. However, I’m kind of against big bags, so I always go for the smallest possible that still fits my (small amount of) stuff.

  7. TJ – Hi ladies. Next week I’m to sit in on a business meeting with some clients from a conservative Middle Eastern country. The meeting is in our office, and there’s certainly no pressure for me to cover my hair, or anything like that, but I would like to dress in whatever way that will minimize any uneasiness.

    Basically, my question comes down to whether a skirt suit with panty hose or a pant suit would be more appropriate. I know women in their country wear floor length garbs generally, so my instinct was to wear a pant suit, so more of me is covered, but would a skirt suit be more traditionally female? Does anyone have any experience with this? Am I completely over thinking it?

    It pains me that I even have to think of this in the 21st century, but I’d rather cause as little a fuss as possible, and I really appreciate the partner asking me to participate in the first place, and not shying away from staffing a woman on the project.

    1. Pants suit with a reasonably high-necked top should be fine (i.e., the kind of thing that would be appropriate to wear to work anyway). If you’re dealing with clients who are traveling overseas and hiring overseas counsel, the odds are high that they’re used to dealing with international business people and norms.

    2. Do you know which country they are from? Any chance that people wear things like a salwar kameez (probably gravely misspelled) there? That would make me on team pants (especially if they are straight or flowy, not if they are at all cropped or tight).

      This might be one of the few times I’d ask the partner, even though it’s a guy. More in the client-sensitivity vein than the please-dress-me vein. Like: is it protocol to wear a hat / etc.

    3. You’re not present in that meeting as a woman – you’re present as a professional.* Whatever you would normally wear for a meeting with a client (presumably, you dress in a business-appropriate way generally under those circumstances, right?) is what you should wear to this meeting. If these individuals are traveling to DC for business meetings, I guarantee you that they’re accustomed to meeting and interacting with women who are wearing standard western business attire, and that you won’t give offense by appearing as you normally would.

      *One of my friends served in the US Foreign Service in a country where headcovering was, if not legally required for women, mandatory in practice – they were actually barred by their supervisor from covering their hair when appearing in an official capacity (except for those FS officers who were actually Muslim), for specifically this reason.

    4. I would do a pants suit, or a skirt suit with a long (mid calf?) skirt, which I don’t have and I don’t imagine many Western women do. That said, I agree with Em – if they are traveling overseas and hiring counsel overseas, they will be reasonably familiar with Western business norms for women.

    5. I think pantsuit. I had a female client from a conservative Muslim country, and as I recall she always wore pantsuits.

      Query: are you allowed to shake their hands? Might be something to figure out beforehand so you don’t make any gaffes.

      1. The easiest solution there is to let them offer their hand first (I’ve dealt with this issue before).

    6. You are not over thinking it. In some countries it is less conservative/more provocative to wear pants because your outline shows. In other countries it is less conservative/more provocative to wear a skirt because you are showing skin through the pantyhose.

      I’ll defer to others with experience with this but I know some women deal with the issue by wearing straight pants with a longer top over it that covers the rear end. It is hard to picture how to do this with a suit. I would imagine wearing a suit that comes as a dress or pants and wearing both would look kind of silly.

      Are there women in business in this country? What do they wear?

      1. I posted in the wrong thread originally.

        I would choose whatever is least likely to show off your body shape. For example, I might choose a knee-length, A-line skirt over a snug pair of trousers. The full-length covering women wear in your guest’s home country is meant to conceal and obscure the female form from both the eyes and the imagination.

      2. Thanks for all the responses! Seems as if pant suit has won out, but I love seeing the discussion on the issue in general.

        I’m actually half Middle Eastern myself, but not raised in the culture, so this is particularly interesting for me. I’ve been raised to be a strong woman, and my family is incredibly supportive, so this does fly in the face of the entire reason they came to this country. However, I recognize that this is business, and these are our clients, so I have to respect (even if grudgingly) their cultural as much as I can.

      3. Hold the phone. I read too fast. If they are coming to YOU then you wear what you normally would. I thought you were going to an office in their country and they were coming to your office there. Totally different circumstance.

    7. Honestly? I’m no expert, but your clients should know that in an American firm, women will adhere to the prevailing dress standards in America, not their country of origin. By all means, dress in whatever way will make you feel the most comfortable and confident–which, in a law firm, should be plenty modest anyway, whether you wear pants or a skirt. But the thought that you feel as though you have to come up with the corporate American equivalent to a burka or niqab (not trying to judge or comment on ladies who choose to wear those garments; it just doesn’t sound like the OP comes from that religious or cultural background), in order to not offend their delicate masculine sensibilities, just sets all my feminist alarm bells a-ringin’.

      2. See above. My advice was based on my mis-reading. I thought she was going to be in their country.

    8. I was in the same situation for weeklong negotiations and wore pantsuits. This group included their U.S. attorney, a female who wore pantsuits. Many of the ME men had gone to school in the U.S., so dress ended up not being a big deal.

    9. Not Middle Eastern but conservative Muslim woman and I dress that way in public. Dress professionally for your work, whatever that may be. Waiting for them to offer a handshake is a good idea. But get over it. Muslims are human, too. Stop freaking out.

      1. As I mentioned above, I am half Middle Eastern, and thought I didn’t mention it, half my family is Muslim – so I realize Muslims are people too. Please don’t assume that my trying to be sensitive to cultural issues makes me a bigot. Frankly, this issue has nothing to do with them being Muslim (which I never mentioned) as many Muslims don’t adhere to the strict dress requirements, and has everything to do with them being from a Middle Eastern country where women are expected and legally required to dress a certain way. I’m trying to make the client comfortable, not dehumanize them.

        1. Yes, I read what you wrote. You refer to people from the Middle East as “them”, as people separate and apart from you but you trot out your half ethnicity to show your cultural sensitivity. That’s like asking if you should wear a sari if you have Indian clients. It’s ridiculous. Sorry for not not being sorry for patting you on the back for being half Middle Eastern and then looking down on an entire region of people.

          Casual racism is a thing. This entire thread is filled with casual racist comments. I am not calling all of you racist but I am saying that many of you said problematic things. Not cool.

          1. Oh come on. She was trying to be respectful. You are the one who posts nasty things about an entire race on your blog, and you do not come from a good place when you do it. You write the most racist things I’ve seen in print from this community- very hypocrtical of you.

            Its totally normal to ask what kind of clothes might make the best impression for certain clients- ie if you are going to silicon valley, don’t wear your black suit skirt with hose.

          2. Actually – “them” referred to the actual people that will be attending the meeting, not the entire population of the Middle East. But good try.

          3. She thinks she’s trying to be respectful, but she’s othering a huge group of people, and it’s offensive and hurtful:

            However, I recognize that this is business, and these are our clients, so I have to respect (even if grudgingly) their cultural as much as I can. [sic]

            “Grudgingly”? Really? You don’t respect anybody with a grudge.

            When someone takes the time to point out that something you said is racist or offensive, the worst thing you can do is get defensive and swerve. It doesn’t matter what you meant; it matters what you say and how you behave. Own up. Apologize. Learn.

          4. Hey, other white women. I’m here to collect you. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, sit down, shut up, and when a WoC tells you that you are saying problematic shit, actually listen to what she’s saying.

            Oh, and trotting out your dictionary definition of “racism” is all cute and whatever, but the sociological definition is prejudice + power. Where’s the power in being a non-Christian WoC in this country? If you’d like to scale back your knee-jerk “someone called me out on being racist, but I don’t understand why!!” reaction, you can drop by MY blog and I’d be glad to send some links your way.

          5. Ha, don’t make me laugh. Just because I blog doesn’t mean you know me. You are so brave, identifying yourself with your anon handle. Come at me, bro.

            I was referring to a metaphorical “them”. As Sit Down quoted in your earlier post, you are going to “grudgingly respect” a culture you quite clearly disdain, yet claim as your own to show that it’s acceptable to insult “them”. And it’s only a “grudging respect” because it’s an opportunity to make money. Furthermore, you don’t even see that you think that your experience as a “strong woman” and your family’s experiences in their country of origin is indicative and the only and correct experience of an entire region. That is the definition of close-mindedness and I will absolutely call that out.

            Your original post was fine – there are people from a culture I’m unfamiliar with and I’m not sure how to dress and act in a professional setting and people responded appropriately to that. Your followup was problematic.

            I don’t know any of you (except for a select a few, whom I love, a lot). I don’t know your life, your skin color, your life experiences, nothing. I only know my experiences. I am an expert in being a Muslim woman professional in the United States in a STEM field. I understand racism and discrimination in a way most of you never will. None of you get to dismiss my being offended. None of you. That casual dismissal of my experience is called privilege. Many of you have that. Just because you don’t understand my perspective doesn’t mean my perspective isn’t valid and that your perspective is wrong.

    10. Muslim women contain multitude.

      Stop othering. They other King Kong and King Kong die sad.

  9. I would choose whatever is least likely to show off your body shape. For example, I might choose a knee-length, A-line skirt over a snug pair of trousers. The full-length covering women wear in your guest’s home country is meant to conceal and obscure the female form from both the eyes and the imagination.

  10. This skirt reminds me of the lampshade my grandma had in her trailer back in the day.

    1. I’m going back and forth. On the one hand it looks very summery with the stripe and the lace is interesting. On the other, it sort of reminds me of a little girl’s bedroom set…

      1. Yup. I want to like it (I like stripes! I like lace!) but something there is just not working for me. I will say the lace definitely does not look boudoir-y at all.

        1. The little girl’s bedroom, plus boring thin (?) lack of a waistband makes the thing look kind of like a very stiff, not very comfortable slip. It’s just kind of off. Can’t decide whether it’s coming or going.

      2. Yes, there is something little girl bedroom. I’d actually really love a duvet in a stripe like this.

  11. I am in the market for a casual summer suit. I like this one and would consider it if the skirt were A-line.
    I might even consider this skirt if I knew how long it was. Very annoyed with stores not specifying the length of items.

  12. Everyone here is always so helpful with shopping challenges so I am going to throw one out there for anyone who isn’t feeling very “worky” today.
    My mom is looking for a dress for my sister’s wedding in December. It is an evening wedding (semi-formal/formal – dad will be in a tux) and bridesmaids are wearing long black dresses. Sister wants mom to wear black, silver/gray and if it had a “hint” of red (belt, etc) that would be fun.

    Here is the challenge, my mom has a scar on her upper chest from a lumpectomy that she would like to hide, so the neckline has to be up to the collarbone (but lace up there would work). She also wants long sleeves (lace/sheer or solid) and a covered back to accommodate a prosthetic bra. She is a 6 Petite and has great legs, so above the knee is fine. Price limit is $750-$1000, but there are no objections to a bargain.

    Most MOB dresses she’s finding are too dowdy. She is in a major metropolitan area and is not opposed to online shopping.

    Thanks ladies!

    Thanks!

      1. I think the Laundry dress is not really MOB-wear. That’s something I’d wear as a guest to a wedding like the one described above. Would depend on exactly what the BM’s black dresses looked like…

      2. There are a couple more from Nordie’s, but she should probably try them on to see if the back is covered enough/will work with her bra.

    4. Oof–the combo of long sleeves and a high neckline is rough. Is there any chance she’d be open to a jacket or wrap instead of a sleeve? I’m not at work today, so I’ve just spent 30 minutes combing my old faithfuls, and options are thin on the ground.

      With that said, I found a few. Links to follow.

        1. THAT is a classy dress. I vote for this one!

          (Side note: I have a dress similar to the DvF linked below, and while it’s classy and I love it, the last time I wore it two other women were wearing almost the same thing. I wouldn’t want that to happen to your MOB).

        2. I like this BUT it’s awfully short–would have to see if it looked as short on a 6P as it does on that model.

      2. Perhaps with a gray or red jacket or wrap? But I seriously love the classic lines on this one, combined with the richness of the fabric. http://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/St-John-Collection-New-Shantung-Knit-Sleeveless-Dress-Caviar/prod154000364_cat43810733__/?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat43810733%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D0%2526refinements%253D4294948187%252C4294966010%252C4294966021%252C717%252C729%252C730%252C19%252C21%252C&eItemId=prod154000364&cmCat=product

      7. FYI, I own the DVF Zarita dress linked below – it’s beautiful, but the back is low and might be a challenge with the prosthetic bra.

    5. What about something like this? http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/calvin-klein-metallic-lace-sheath-dress/3413887?origin=category&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=6352

      Or (exposed zipper alert): http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/adrianna-papell-lace-overlay-sheath-dress/3217574?origin=category&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=NAVY%2F+TAUPE&resultback=6864

      If she’s looking for something a bit more upscale, Diane V-F makes a version of the Adrianna Papell dress I just linked to. It comes in red and black. Check out the “Zarita” lace sheath dress. It’s very short– I tried it for my brother’s wedding, and it was obscene on me–but it might work for your mom if she’s petite.

      1. On the low-back issue, I own the Zarita (back is low, and yes, it’s short), and the Adriana Papelli has a much higher back (I saw it on someone at a Junior League cocktail party last week).

    7. This is a little outside the box, but if she finds a dress she likes that is sleeveless, would she be willing to add lace sleeves under it? For example:
      http://www.halftee.com/collections/the-original/products/full-lace-long-sleeve-halftee
      or
      http://store.americanapparel.net/product/?productId=rsals309
      (could be cut off just below the bust and have elastic added like the half tee above, shouldn’t be difficult for a basic seamstress).

      I thought maybe with one of the boatneck dresses here (style 162?) in the silver, platinum, charcoal or black? http://ariadress.com/DressThumbnails.php

      Aria also sells 3/4 sleeve boleros, if she finds a dress that she likes and wants to add sleeves that way, or she could find a seamstress to make her one – my good friend did this for her wedding, as she needed sleeves in her church.

    8. I immediately thought of DVF’s zarita lace shift dress, but it has an exposed zipper :( This seems similar:
      http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/Joie-Tesla-Three-Quarter-Sleeve-Lace-Dress/prod82120038/

      I love this for a MOB dress:
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/alex-evenings-tiered-chiffon-lace-sheath-dress/3230294

      Red belt could be switched out.
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/alex-evenings-lace-sheath-dress/3186376

      Could be flattering or a hot mess
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/eliza-j-ruched-lace-sheath-dress/3275484

      This could be too short:
      http://www.madewell.com/madewell_category/DRESSES/waistdefineddresses/PRDOVR~30370/30370.jsp

  13. I’m in that stage in life where EVERYONE is getting married, which makes for a long summer of weddings. I’m looking for a dress to wear to several of them, and having a surprisingly hard timet finding one that fits with what I want. Any recommendations for outdoor wedding-appropriate dresses that I am capable of wearing a normal bra with? Ideally I could also wear it at work at a business casual office. Price range is $200 or less. Thanks!

    1. Have you looked at J Crew’s dresses? I have the origami dress, which I’ve worn to a wedding and works great at the office.

    2. Same here.

      But to make matters more complicated, the closest wedding is being held in early May, which means that it could be snowing in my city, or it could be +20C. So, I’m trying to find a dress that will fit either circumstance, and still look like spring. I’d spend up to $250, assuming some re-wear potential. So I guess I’m actually looking for two dresses, one that’s full out summery, and one that is..okay for snow, but still looks summery.

    3. I like the Lauren by Ralph Lauren dresses that Macys/Bloomingdales carries. They tend to be simple cuts in a heavier weight jersey fabric in season appropriate colors and prints. I’ve also seen them with woven cotton fabric dresses as well. And they are machine washable. And they have the little snaps in the shoulder straps to help corral your bra straps.

      4. I was just going to recommend RL as well. I purchased a sleeveless style similar to the first one with the polka dots only in a floralish pattern last summer (Lord and Taylor), and it made its way through two weddings, a graduation, an afternoon shower, after work dinner with friends a couple of times, and a few days at the office with a blazer. A big bonus was also that it traveled really well.

      5. I was just going to post the Lauren dresses as well. I am *just* a little too big for them to fit well, but I think they are both wedding and work appropriate.

        1. I am at that borderline size where the regular size Lauren dresses technically fit but aren’t necessarily flattering, and this winter I was able to find a lot of the same/similar style Lauren dresses in Women’s Plus – and they went down to a 14W, so there was an overlap between the plus and regular sizes, rather than the dreaded black hole that usually exists between regular and plus. Look for a Macys with a Womens Sizes department or look online, they have some of the same styles in plus (like the polka dotted one posted above that is now tempting me).

      1. Second this suggestion, They have a huge selection for $50/rental, and they sort them by occasion so you can be sure to get something appropriate, with the added bonus that you won’t be caught in pictures wearing the same dress to several different weddings!

    6. I was shopping for a dress to wear to multiple weddings last year and while I was deliberating between two options, the sales clerk came over and goes “What a great dress! Wear it to the wedding and then throw a blazer over it for work!”

      Which is normally decent advice… except that this dress hit a good 7-8″ above the knee. Doubt that’s ‘r e t te approved ;)

    7. How about Anthropologie? 20% of full price dresses right now (I think their dresses run $138-$168, mostly, when full price, with a few outliers in each direction.)

      Here’s one: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/27206747.jsp

      Many of their dresses are like the one whose link I posted, and it seems to be one of their coire strengths:
      “dressy” (not for work, and overly dressy for just daytime brunches unless you have friends who are just super formal) dresses. I used to go to their site and wonder where the heck I’d ever wear any of those dresses and the answer is: WEDDINGS!

      I find that Anthropologie’s dresses are way too formal and “festive” for even more formal restaurants (I’m not talking about my neighborhood Applebee’s) nowadays because everybody is in perma sweatpants + jeans mode. So I never buy them because they don’t fit my work or play, but if I had another wedding to go to, I’d go there first.

        1. That’s a great dress! I want to throw my single friends “Single, Owning It and Being Fabulous” parties to (1) celebrate how wonderful they are and (2) create an occasion to wear some of these dresses.

  14. I’m so sick of my closet. It’s in-between seasons here, so I can’t quite wear spring clothes, but winter clothes aren’t quite right either, and I’m in the process of losing weight so everything is big and I feel dowdy and frumpy pretty much constantly, and like my clothes are too bulky, but I don’t want to buy anything because my goal is to go down 2 sizes, and so I don’t want a bunch of clothing that’s one size too big.

    I want to douse it all in kerosene at this point, getting dressed this morning was so frustrating, I almost ended up in tears.

    1. Get thee to a tailor! And a thrift or consignment shop: maybe you can snag a lucky find that fills some wardrobe gaps. That will cheer you up!

    2. Get a couple basic transition pieces. They don’t have to be high quality but having clothes that fit will greatly improve your self confidence. Look at places like NY&Co, the Gap, or even Old Navy for bottoms that fit. It’s easier to pull off baggy tops if the bottoms fit.

      1. Yup, I agree. I’ve been losing weight and still have a way to go, but I’ve been wearing things until they are a bit too big and then buying a size or 2 down. Pencil skirts have been my to to item for this. Cardigans and tops are great when they fit perfectly but don’t look too bad when they are a little big, especially if the skirt is a good fit. It’s annoying to keep cycling through things, but its the only way for me and its like a little reward for progress.

        NY&Co is having a 40% off sale right now. The Limited frequently has sales as well and both places have good skirts that are pretty cheap on sale.

        1. This. I really liked ponte knit skirts and dresses when I was between sizes. They still look fine (with the right foundational garments) if they’re a bit snug or a bit loose.

    3. I am in exactly the opposite camp, and finally sucked it up and bought two pairs of work pants and a work skirt that fit my larger-than-normal shape – spent a total of $135 (Nordstrom has THE skirt in black on sale, and Express has 40% off everything in store) and feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. I’ll try to lose the weight, but no reason to be miserable in the meantime. Depending on your budget and time, you could get a couple of basics at a thrift store or Target or get things tailored down – either way, wearing clothes that are comfortable and make you feel good is worth it. Sorry for the Ellen caps!

  15. Quick poll: your very generous Easter bunny (aka: Mom) is letting you choose between the following two purses:

    Coach Legacy Duffle in Lemon
    Coach Legacy Large Duffle in Emerald
    (My original links got knocked out in moderation…)
    http://www.coach.com/online/handbags/-handbags_feature_legacy-us-us-5000000000000305805-en?t1Id=62&t2Id=5000000000000305805&tier=2&LOC=LN#121544

    Help! I love the color of the Emerald, but its a much larger size than I normally carry. I love the size of the Lemon, but already have a bag in a similar color. Which would you choose?

  16. Do any of you lovely ladies know anything about Cary, NC? Little sister’s best friend is thinking of applying to a company HQ’ed in that city, and I’d love to see what the Hive has to say about Cary.

    1. I’ve spent some time there. It’s very nice but pretty suburban, I.e. a car is necessary and there are a lot of families and not a lot of young, single people. I think it’s a very live able place. In general I would not consider living in the south, but Cary (and the triangle area more generally) would be an exception to that. My impression is that people there are quite educated (due to all the universities and tech companies) and open-minded. There seem to be good restaurants and cultural events and cost of living is low compared to northern cities. By the way, if she is applying to SAS, it is supposed to be a great place to work and the people I know who work there are super nice.

      Sorry for typos – on my phone.

    2. Cary is great – I have friends and family that live near there in both Raleigh and Chapel Hill, though I’ve never lived there myself. (I did grow up in NC, just in another part of the state.) The joke about Cary is that it stands for “Containment Area for Relocated Yankees” — meaning, it’s a lot of transplants. In that sense, your friend would probably feel comfortable with a move there even if she’s not from the area. Really, no one is.

    3. I haven’t spent much time in Cary itself, but the Research Triangle is a really nice area. Chapel Hill isn’t too far away, which is a fun college town with great restaurants and bars. Durham has some nice restaurants too and a smaller bar scene, but I would make sure to stick to the beaten path in Durham because it gets pretty sketchy pretty quickly if you venture, like, a block away. What I’ve seen of Cary has been more suburban, with lots of really lovely new construction, but I’m not sure if that’s just the outskirts. I’ve heard rumors of really good shopping in Raleigh but I’ve never been.

    4. Cary = containment area for relocated yankees

      [Not intending to start a flame war; just repeating a joke.] It’s like CLT or Atlanta or even Tysons Corner in that it is full of transplants and very suburban (i.e., need car). SAS is wonderful — everyone I know there has been there 10+ years or is a more recent entrant recruited by friends who seem to be lifers.

    5. I am very familiar with Cary, my parents have live there almost 30 years and I grew up there. Cary is contiguous with Raleigh, so if your friend is young/single, she could live in Raleigh or even Durham/CH if she is interested in a more young, urban vibe and still have a very easy commute to almost anywhere in Cary (this is esp. true if she’s looking at SAS, which is right off the interstate). If she has a family, Cary is fantastic. It IS suburban, but with that comes good schools, very little crime, tons of sidewalks/greenways for biking/dogwalking, etc. Shopping is also improving, and although the downtown is tiny, there are a surprising number of shops and art galleries. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to really appreciate it for the quality-of-life Cary offers. But as a young single person, I’d almost certainly choose not to live in Cary.

    6. Just agreeing with what everyone else said–suburban, good for families, probably a bit boring for singles but a nice town (my friends that live there have two small children). Chapel Hill, Raleigh, and Durham are all options, as well (though like MaggieLizer said, parts of Durham are sketchy. Parts are great, though). I’ve got a friend that works in RTP that lives in Morrisville, which I think is sort of between Cary and RTP. The whole area is a pretty great place to live, in my opinion. (which is why I’m trying to move back there asap, since the endless new york winter is slowly killing me). Also, if she lives pretty much anywhere in the South, she’ll need a car.

    7. I live in West Raleigh just minutes from Cary. I agree with everything that’s been said. Cary is a lot of transplants. Nice neighborhoods. Plenty of shopping and everything you need is close by (5-10 minutes). Raleigh is super close and I absolutely love Raleigh. Lots of bars/restaurants/things to do. Yes Durham has a bad reputation but it’s not as bad as many lament and it has a great food scene. I wholeheartedly recommend this area to anyone!

      1. JK, we Triangle area folks might plan a meet-up in a few weeks…want to be added to the list? email c h i n a r e t t e at gmail (trying to avoid the filter)!

    8. Hmm….I wonder what company it is…might be mine (mentioned above). Durham has a really nice downtown area near the ballpark. Chapel Hill is pretty upscale, but lots of college students, too. I really love the 5 points area of Raleigh. I went to NCSU for a short while and now I work for a company based in Cary (although I work remotely). Cary is definitely very suburban, but you can get a slightly more urban feel in other areas. The nice thing about Cary is that it is centrally located – I have commuted to my chq there from Durham, Apex, and N Raleigh and the traffic was never bad. I also think the area has great parks, including Lake Crabtree and Umstead in Cary, so it’s awesome if you enjoy hiking, trail running, mtn biking, etc. Good luck to her!

    9. I have friends that live in Fuquay-Varina and the wife works at SAS. They love it. The COL is great, there are great restaurants in the area, sports teams in Raleigh and, like others have said, lots of transplants.

      1. Thank you, ladies, for sharing your thoughts! I will pass them along to my little sister’s best friend. A couple of you mentioned you have friends and/or you work at the company that she’s interested in.

        If I may make a request, would it be possible to connect her to someone who works there (be it in the legal department or in another department)?

        She is currently a tech law atty at one of the big city law firms and looking to be closer to relatives. She is basically like a little sister to me (and helped my own sister get her life back on track during a very rough time), and if at all possible, I’d love to help her out and would be happy to chat offline. My email is sarahghdesigns@gmail.com and would be most grateful!

        (I’ll also post on tomorrow’s threads in case it’s too late tonight.)

    10. Work in Cary, live in Raleigh and just bought my first home in Fuquay-Varina. Cary itself is exactly like mentioned above – Containment Area for Relocated Yankees (longstanding name, not my own). The town itself is very clean and pulled together, but if she’s looking at Cary to work then it’s basically part of Raleigh. Chapel Hill and Durham are close-ish, but if it were me then I’d look at living in the Raleigh side. The lovely thing about living in central NC is the access to the beach (2-3 hours), the mountains (2-3 hours), Charlotte (2.5 hours) and more. If she loves to explore on the weekends, it’s a great place to be!

      1. BBL, I think a few Triangle-area folks might meet up in a few weeks. Interested? email me at c h i n a r e t t e at gmail (no spaces–trying to avoid the spam filter).

  17. Hey ladies, I read this very interesting article about “Lean In” and what SS doesn’t say, and about her all-work-all-the-time attitude. (Note, I haven’t read the book itself yet.)

    2. It’s interesting to me that this is all written from the prospective of being an employee (albeit a high-level one) at someone else’s company. I have a small business and work ALL THE TIME. And when not working, it still permeates things. My children understand the family has a business (even if they are somewhat vague), so work things are a little different than they are as employee-with-job.

    3. I’m about 1/3 of the way through the book. The article is interesting and brings up the point that I hadn’t realized about there not being anything about a personal life. The only thing I’ve seen about it so far is Sanberg’s view that its not always possible or even always a good thing to keep personal and professional lives completely separate. That is something that ill be looking at now as I read more.

      The other big point in the article is about the book being written solely about what women can do differently and not about what workplaces can do differently. The author of the article says that Sandberg acknowledges doing this, but I think the author doesn’t take to heart what Sandberg said. The book can’t be everything to everyone. There will always be something left out. She chose to wrote a book on what women can do differently, which I am personally finding interesting and helpful. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think workplaces have no responsibility to change, she just didn’t set out to write that book. I think its possible she will in the future and I think its important for more people to focus on that as well. The thing is though that there are changes needed both at the personal and the corporate level. She’s focusing on one and I don’t really fault her for that.

      I’m also not sure I get the point about this really being done to be in the best interest of Facebook. I’d like to understand what she is getting at though so if anyone can explain it to me, I’d be interested in hearing it.

      2. Though I think it is worth acknowledging that (a) Sandberg is speaking to a pretty narrow segment of women – upper middle class women with, or who want, “traditional” families and high-powered jobs; and (b) that same narrow segment of women is often normalized and assumed to be the default in our cultural generally (well, plus or minus the high-powered career), and so there’s something to be said for making a concerted effort not to erase everyone else who doesn’t fit the mold.

        1. Hmmm, I’m not sure I completely agree with that. I think she is speaking to a narrow subset of women, but I feel like she is speaking to me and I’m not interested in having children, if that is what you mean by a “traditional” family. I think a lot of her advice is applicable to people who don’t want kids, or it has been so far. I’ve just reached the “don’t leave before you leave” part of the book, which is less applicable to me since I don’t want to and will not be leaving for any period of time to raise children. Some parts of the book are written for that narrow subset, but a lot of (in the beginning at least) is written for women in the workplace in general.

      3. I found the part interesting where she talks about how Sandberg thinks the ultimate reward = more work/how she doesn’t see family time as a reward.

        1. I am about halfway through the book and haven’t gotten the sense that she doesn’t see family time as rewarding. The book spends a lot of time talking about how to find work rewarding which makes sense. I think she doesn’t dwell much on family time because it’s personal and not the focus of her book.

        2. I took away from the article that the author is someone who doesn’t see herself in the running for success in the conventional corporate sense because she considers it ‘an unending race of pure ambition where no amount of money or power is enough and work is forever’. In this sense, she probably isn’t Sandberg’s target audience and like many other nay-sayers, unhappy that Sandberg hasn’t addressed those issues which the author IS interested in ie. work-life balance and ‘uncapitalized unmonetized life itself’.

          I haven’t read the book either but the reviewer lost credibility for me when she talked about failing to get a raise, which her employer attributes to commercial differences (valuable engineers vs. fungible managers) but which she interprets as an exercise in gender inequality under Sandberg’s watch.

  18. Just needing to vent about my relationship with my mother — so often our phone conversations devolve into the same arguments, and and I just don’t know what to do to break the pattern! We had the same argument we’ve been having for years over real estate — my mom is always pressuring me to buy so that I can start “building equity”, and I’ve always rented because to me it simply makes no financial sense to buy when I relocate every 2-3 years. I will be relocating again soon and this time for a more permanent position, and my mom is once again pressuring me to buy. I tried to explain to her that I would rather rent initially and get to know the city so I can make an informed choice about where I’d be happy living, etc, but she thinks I should fly out, look at a few places and buy something. It’s really an unresolvable argument because she thinks that buying equals building equity, full stop, and no matter how many arguments I make to her about closing costs, property taxes, lost opportunities for investment, etc, she will probably always continue to believe that property is a sound investment in nearly all cases.

    If I’m being charitable, I think that she just wants to offer advice and help me become financially secure, all laudable goals to be sure. But her advice is unsolicited, and IMHO more appropriate to her situation 30 years ago where home values were increasing rapidly and they expected to live in the same neighborhood for decades. If I’m being less charitable, I think that my mother sees my decisions to pursue a career that requires me to move frequently, to live downtown in an apartment, and to take public transit as signs of immaturity and that I’m resisting growing up somehow. If being an adult means having a big house in the suburbs, a car, and kids, then I can’t imagine how I will ever be “grown up” by my mother’s standards since I want none of those things. I feel like we’ll be trapped in the same arguments around lifestyle choices forever. Help?

    1. Not her money, she has no say. Unless she is the one putting in the $/time/effort to buy, she has no say.

      I have the same sorts of problems with my family about joining a gym–since I choose to participate in a team sport my “exercise” $$ goes towards that, yoga classes, etc, and not a single gym. However, my family thinks that a gym is the answer to what they perceive to be their problem with me (30-50 extra pounds). Now that she’s plopped money into my account, I am reconsidering. Sorry, this has turned into my own personal vent.

        1. ^_^
          Love the idea. Haven’t actually decided on what I’m going to do with it quite yet.

          And thank you to everybody for your lovely thoughts. It really helped me once I put a finger on what is wrong (bullying, even if it’s coming from a place of good intentions, is bullying and it’s hurtful).

          Oddly enough, I grew up being non-confrontational (even though I’m a litigator now) and the last people on earth I can confront about personal things are my parents, even if I have no problem confronting others for every other thing. Le sigh.

      2. I’m really sorry your family is doing this to you. I can only imagine how hurt you feel by that. There is a difference between supporting someone to do something they’ve already decided to work on and trying to get that person to fix a problem you see in them.

        N, it sounds like your mom is really focused on real estate, but maybe you can talk to her about the other ways you are working to become financially secure completely unrelated to the money involved with renting or buying. Maybe tell her about what you’re doing with your retirement accounts, or how your place of employment has a big 401k match that you might not get somewhere else, etc. Also, maybe check to see if she has retirement savings herself and isn’t banking everything on real estate since we’ve all seen how that can change so quickly too. It’s possible that she is so focused on it because she is concerned about her own security and wants to believe that real estate is best because that is what she has chosen to rely on. I’m just thinking up random ideas here, but maybe one of them could help.

        1. Thanks for that thought, it is possible that financial security is at the forefront of her mind since she’s planning on retiring this year. I think she’s in a reasonably good place with a pension and a paid off house, but maybe the transition is kicking up some insecurity and that’s where this is (once again) coming from.

        2. You could do this, if you want to share all that with your mother. In my world, this is NONE of mom’s business. But my mom and I don’t have biweekly chats.

          If anything, I should be giving my mother an earful about financial security, but I went there, hit a brick wall of denial, and have since simply told my sister that as mom ages and becomes more and more broke, my sister will take her in and I will send checks. This is all hypothetical since Mom is still <60, but the fact that I have more in my retirement savings at 29 than she does is awfully telling.

      3. Anon, I sympathize, because this is another fight that I have regularly with my mother — I choose to exercise a lot and not focus that much on my weight, she chooses to tightly control her weight through diet and doesn’t exercise at all. Probably we’ll never agree on this, and it’s become hurtful enough over the years that I now completely refuse to engage with my mom on conversations about what I eat or what I weigh. It’s been effective, but it also once again narrows the number of things that we have to talk about.

      4. My condolences that your family does this to you. A lot of parents unwittingly use money/financial support to try to control their children’s choices and I find that very objectionable.

        And I don’t care that they may have good intentions. Good intentions are not an excuse to bulldoze people.

    2. Stop arguing. When she says “You should really buy because A, B, and C” you say “those are good points. I’ll think about it. How was that [party, whatever] you went to last week?” Right now you’re trying to convice her that you’re right. But it doesn’t matter. She might always think that you’re being foolish not to buy. So what? Really, how does that change your life? Sure, it’s nice to have your parents pat you on the head and say “good girl,” validating all your life choices. But that’s never going to happen. Things my mother thinks were mistakes that I made, but that I think were terrific decisions: (1) dating my first boyfriend; (2) being sad when that boyfriend and I broke up; (3) spending three months volunteering in an African country; (4) spending all my savings after law school on a round the world post-bar trip, leaving me really poor until my first law firm check cleared; (5) moving out of the charming apartment I first had in DC that was really inconvenient and came with a crazy landlord; (6) moving into a much more cookie cutter apartment that had a very sane management company and was super convenient in every way; (7) marrying my husband; (8) taking a major career risk in part to support my husband’s own major career risk; (9) becoming a lawyer; (10) wearing navy and brown clothes (my mother irrationally hates these colors). The list goes on and on. But her disapproval of these things has zero impact on my ability to carry on with my life. Do I wish she loved my husband? You bet. But it’s her loss since he’s a great guy and would be a fantastic SIL to her if she’d open up to him more (my dad loves him). Just stop arguing with her.

      1. This. I think you just have to agree to disagree. Tell her you appreciate her opinion and concern (I say this because – without know more about your relationship – my guess is she, like most other parents, wants to make sure you are financially secure and she sees owning real estate as THE way to get there, and is therefore concerned that you aren’t doing that) and move the conversation along.

    3. The fact is, you are an adult, sounds like you’re financially independent (?) and working…give her the benefit of the doubt and asume she’s giving you advice because she wants to be helpful, but stop arguing with her about it.

      Next time she brings it up you can simply say, “Mom I know you love me and want what’s best for me but please trust that I’ve thought this through an I am confident I;m making the choices that make sense for me.I’m not going to argue about it with you anymore.” And then if she continues to go on and on about it you can either listen politely and say noncommittal things like “Sure, sure, that makes sense” and “I hear you” and “uh-huh…” while playing tetris on your phone or something. OR you can decline to keep listening and try to change the topic…ultimately if she refuses you can say, “Well, thanks for the advice but if you don’t want to talk about anything else I have to go now. Take care, love you, talk to you later!” And hang up.

      1. Oh yes, I’m in my mid 30s and have been financially independent from my parents for about 15 years (we had a “financial divorce” during my college years, in part of these same disagreements about whether it was better to pay more for a centrally located apartment or “save money” by moving further out and buying a car).

        You’re all probably right and I should just thank her and let it go when it comes up. But something about doing that seems dishonest? disingenuous? when I know I’m not going to actually take her advice into consideration. We have so little to talk about, it seems, by the time we eliminate areas of conversation that are contentious we’re left with nothing. We’re both excited that I’m moving, but she doesn’t want to talk about my job, I don’t want to talk about real estate, and then I feel like we’re just both stuck.

        1. If you need more to talk about, read a book “together.” You each read a chapter then call each other to discuss. Or talk about movies you saw recently, or the news. (I’d say 90% of my conversations with my dad are just him giving me movie recommendations. The other 10% are him telling me what he thinks of various political candidates. Nothing of real substance, but still a way to connect.)

        2. Sometimes, what’s left IS not very much. It’s sad, but I’d rather nothing than fighting about stupid stuff all the time. The two of you value different things, neither of you will change your values anytime soon, and it’s not clear either of you should.

          Sometimes, kids love their parents (and the feeling is mutual), but they really don’t connect in any way that’s meaningful other than reading a book together, etc. It’s not ideal, but the alternatives (fighting all the time or fake acquiescence and the building resentment that fosters) are far, far worse.

          Having kids is a crapshoot– you don’t know what sort of people they’ll turn out to be even though you had a hand in molding them. Plenty of really good people just.don’t.connect. It’s not a moral failing on anybody’s part, just that it’s an unfortunate thing that happens.

          1. It makes me sad, but this may just be the truth — we may just have values about life that are too different to really be able to have “meaningful” discussions. I’m really sad that our discussion options seem to be limited to the neighbor who has a kid that’s getting married or the movie she saw last week, but it is better than fighting.

        3. Honestly, I’m starting to have similar issues with my mom. When we get into contentious issues, it occasionally gets really heated and its not constructive. I’ve started telling her stories about some of my friends or my life that aren’t really personal but that she appreciates because I’m including her. So I’ll talk about my friends who are getting married or an outfit I bought or something

    5. Just like with exercise, you don’t have to discuss your plans in minute detail or justify your choices.

  19. I just want to say thank you to all the ladies that recommended “The Defining Decade.”

    It was a short but uber helpful read–much more so than the therapist I started seeing.

  21. So I have a weird question- I am looking for an apartment in DC, and I’d prefer a townhome/english basement to a big building. When I go to look at a place, how do you know the person owns it? Like when I sign a lease? they do a background check on me usually, but how do you know anything about who you are renting from? What if they are just a tenant and getting you to sublease?

    I thought about this when I was looking for a parking space. How does someone prove they own the rights to park there? Someone could just pick a spot and say here its 150 bucks but not actually own the spot.

    1. In most city’s the name of a property owner is public record and often something you can look up on the city’s tax assessor’s website or via a GIS map. You would look it up by address.

    2. DC should have city property tax info online – so if you look up the address you can see who owns it. I don’t know how you would find out about subletters, though.

    3. Anonymous – This is a long shot, but I am looking for someone to take over my lease for a spacious English basement in North Arlington. It wouldn’t be a sublet – I am helping my landlords to find new tenants after I move out. I need to move because of an opportunity to own a home, but I would not be leaving this place if I was renting. If you’re interested, please email me at alliehumm @ gmail . com (without the spaces) and I can give you more details.

      1. Thank you for the offer! I am looking for DC though, or more towards the Maryland side if I were to go outside Dc.

      2. I might know someone who’d be interested in your apartment. I’ve just sent you an email.

    4. Often if you just google the address and dig deep enough into the findings you can find a listing on zillow or somewhere else to see who the owner is. These are second hand information, but it will save you from having to call or visit the DC office of revenue.

    5. You can also try registry of deeds (usually a state function and at least in my state all the records are online). Doesn’t prevent someone from scamming you by pretending to be the “property manager” though. I will say I always get my apartments from craigslist and small private owners rather than corporate apartment buildings and just trust the person who shows it to me, so I guess it’s risky but I haven’t been scammed yet.

      HOWEVER, I do know at least one person who was renting an apartment and when the owners lost it in foreclosure, the renters were all scammed by someone who came around and pretended to represent the new owner and collected money from them/renewed leases with them and collected deposits (the leases of course were meaningless since the “landlord” in the lease didn’t really own the property.

      1. correction – it’s usually a county function, so google your county + registry of deeds….

    6. Not what you’re asking but if you’re looking for townhome/Engl basement I recommend Yarmouth Mgmt for Hill-area. They specialize in townhomes/Engl basements and were super helpful to one of my friends who moved.

    7. You can ask the primary tenant for a copy of their lease. I guess someone could fake that, but it’s better than no lease, and it’s also useful to see if they are complying with whatever their lease says about subletters.

  22. Threadjack: Personal Twitter accounts & work. I’m an avid Twitter user. I mostly tweet about sports, news, and occasional fashion. I keep my Twitter public because I like interacting with people (mostly sports related) and my tweets are 100% PG. I generally don’t tweet during work hours. I never tweet about work. Am I hurting myself by keeping my Twitter public? Does it reflect poorly on me that I’m not tweeting about work once in a while? I’d really like to keep that separately from my personal life. I’m truly abiding by the “don’t tweet anything you wouldn’t say to your grandma or say on tv” thing.

    1. On the contrary, I’d say it reflect positively on you that you know what to say and what not to say in such a setting.

      1. Agree. Nothing wrong with using these media properly, which it sounds like you are.

        1. Thanks. I hate to admit it, but the only reason I’ve thought otherwise was because of “advice” from Cosmo/Glamour… sometimes you just want to read something that makes you dumber.

          1. Re: Cosmo — I call them “Cheetos for the Brain”

            But I still read it occasionally. I imagine their take on social media is to offer up anecdata and quotes like:
            “I really regretted dancing in my sequin mini-dress w/o undergarments at my office party and taking pictures of myself with the boss’s nephew doing [CENSORED] in the bathroom and then putting it on my Facebook!!!!!!”
            signed Ashleeeeeee, age [really young]

    2. Do you tweet under your name? I tweet under the name I generally post on public boards. My friends know who it is, but it would take a little bit of digging (though not at all impossible) to connect them. But I don’t tweet about work, more politics, sports, etc…
      I probably could tweet under my name, I just don’t. I DO have a work twitter for monitoring purposes, but i never tweet from that account….

      1. I do tweet under my name and I have my picture showing. I’ve considered going slightly more anon. Idk I’ll probably just leave it and maybe make it private if I ever consider looking for new jobs

  23. This skirt strikes me as unprofessional. It covers everything that needs to be covered and is not overly casual but I don’t think it is chic enough to be appropriate for a lawyer. My firm is not especially conservative, nor is it a runway, but only a handful of secretaries and older, off-partner-track women go for kinds of comfort/novelty/ugh-it-get-the-job-done looks that have been appearing here (for example: https://corporette.com/2013/03/18/geox-venere-wedge-pump/ ; https://corporette.com/2013/03/25/michael-van-der-ham-pencil-skirt/ ; https://corporette.com/2013/03/22/neiman-marcus-knit-blazer/ ; https://corporette.com/2013/03/15/old-navy-paisley-slub-knit-top/ ). I’m feeling nostalgic for the earlier, less polyester/print-friendly Corporette.

    1. I wouldn’t say it’s unprofessional. It may not be professional *enough* for lawyers *at your firm* but I think it is not necessarily unprofessional a) for every lawyer or b) for every professional woman.

    2. Although I like the skirt with the right ensemble on the right day, I do agree with the disappointed sentiment that Kat’s picks are slipping with regard to conservative, professional dress. Many of the same recommendations have struck me as off. Many offices are becoming increasingly casual, but the definition of ‘professional attire’ hasn’t changed. Maybe it’s not fair to hold Kat accountable to maintaining the line, but it seems like there are so few sources of real-life professional attire that I’m sad to see it go here.

    3. Meh…professional has some bandwidth…. Professional does not EQUAL conservative. Professional equals clean, well groomed and appropriate for your office.

  24. Seeking motivation threadjack….I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed/overcommitted for the last 6 months with work, family life (parent illness, hubby’s stressful career, moving, etc), volunteering I do, etc. and the thing that has slid has been ME. I’ve definitely “let myself go” to the tune of 15 lbs for the first time in my life, and I just can’t get myself to snap back into gear. It’s not working out that’s the issue (I’m an avid exerciser) it’s being completely out of control with eating at my desk and eating huge take out meals at night because I’m tired, or snacking on candy, etc. I use my workouts as an eating excuse! I have had to go up a size in clothes but still keep making excuses and saying I’ll get out of this rut – but I need to get it together now or it’s going to be even harder. HELP! Tell me to get it together and that I need to take care of myself to properly take care of all the other things in my life? I’m nervous hubs is going to lose attraction, people at work have noticed the weight gain, in general, just not good.

    1. Hey there, that sounds really tough, and you have my sympathies and admiration for even holding it together this well. I am not sure I could do as well.

      I think because women are so heavily socialized to be caregivers AND martyrs (to put everyone else first), we often fall into the pattern and internalize a lot of it, so that when push comes to shove in a busy schedule, we give ourselves short shrift.

      I am just a stranger on the internet, but I will say this: YOU matter. As much as, if not more than your ill parent. More than the chores that come up from the move. Your self-care matters 1000000x more than volunteering. CHARITY BEGINS IN THE HOME. Print this out and repeat it to yourself every night before you go to bed and in the morning as you start your routine. It is my catechism for rebalancing when you’ve put everybody else first.

      Then, cut out the volunteering, seriously. If you can’t take care of your health, the volunteering needs to go on a hiatus until you can get back on track with the self-care. Happy YOU means a happier marriage and a happier family. Your interests really are aligned with your family, and you are not robbing them of something they deserve when you take care of yourself. You are investing in the future health and happiness of your entire family and if that’s not worth doing, I don’t know what it is.

      Best of luck and keep us posted.

    2. Hey there, don’t beat yourself up about a 15 lb weight gain. It’s great you are recognizing you need to change your behavior before it gets more out of hand! It’s great that you exercise, but as you noted weight is really controlled by our diets. Put together an action plan for getting back to the way you used to eat. If you are ordering take out a lot because you are too tired to cook, cut back on anything you can to make the time. Trust me, I’ve been there. We used to get take out or go out almost every night. It’s impossible to eat healthy this way. Now, I try to cook things on the weekends we can eat all week (big pot of soup, stirfry, casseroles like lasagna /enchiladas). Having stuff for salads on hand make for an easy healthy dinner or lunch too. Bring your lunch to work too if possible, and focus your meals around veggies. Throw the candy and junk in the trash or bring to work and leave for others to eat up. i’ve lost 25 lbs doing these things (25 lbs that went on over just a few months of stressful time!).

      You can do it. Like the above poster said, put yourself first. You might want to check out some emotional eating books too, if you think that may be a factor. I’ve heard good things about a book called Shrink Yourself and a book called The Pleasure Principle.

    3. Sounds like you need a break. Can you take a day or two off to rest? Or if you can swing it – a weekend at a yoga retreat or spa type place where you can slow down for a minute.

  25. Does this website selling 1/2 off Tory Burch shoes seem legit? It came up when I was searching for sales on this brand. What made me question the validity of the website is that their site name is a slight variation (misspelling) of the brand name, which leads me to believe they are trying to get customers who key in the url incorrectly. That seems sketchy to me.

    Do you think these shoes are knock-offs or real?

    http://www.torybruch.us/

    1. totally seems shady. The site’s FAQ’s have misspellings, there is a 5% charge if you cancel your order in the first 24 hours, the URL misspelling which you pointed out and finally, it’s just not common sense to think you can buy designer items for 50% off from this type of website.

    2. Just the URL alone is triggering warning bells. I’m wary of clicking, and agree that giving them your CC info is risky.

      1. Agreed. My thinking was if it looks too good to be true it most likely is. Thanks for the second (and third!) opinion and reality check!

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