Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cotton Knit Shift Dress
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/16/opinion/sunday/no-not-all-women-are-democrats.html?eminfo=%7b%22EMAIL%22%3a%22n5DW4Mc9QGAVuJxJdgOaMqyTrkkPMrpS%22%2c%22BRAND%22%3a%22FO%22%2c%22CONTENT%22%3a%22Newsletter%22%2c%22UID%22%3a%22FO_BRD_D27EE2F3-3488-473C-968B-EDD7D7A69B24%22%2c%22SUBID%22%3a%2268975233%22%2c%22JOBID%22%3a%22783924%22%2c%22NEWSLETTER%22%3a%22BROADSHEET%22%2c%22ZIP%22%3a%22992017022%22%2c%22COUNTRY%22%3a%22%22%7d
Sigh. Could you just stop? These relentless cries for attention on this board are really getting tiresome. Do you not have anyone in your real life who can validate you and pay attention to you? If you don’t, could you find someone? That would be tremendous, for all of us. Thanks so much.
This is an unnecessary hostile response. I’m not sure what OP’s point is without context, but the article is interesting and there is no doubt that it will not help Democrats to pretend Republican women don’t exist or have anything important to say.
+1
I promise we never thought (R) women don’t exist. We know they put Trump in office.
THIS RIGHT HERE!
Dude, what’s the problem here? I’m not a republican so I don’t have a personal stake in this, but I do think that healthy debate is a great thing, and for that reason I wish that the Republican women on this board could speak up more. And I wish people on both sides could be more measured with their words and generally respectful to enable a real exchange of ideas.
People post links all the time, and this is a worthwhile thing to point out and discuss. The fact that it’s about women Republicans doesn’t automatically make it a cry for attention (or if it does there are a ton of things on this board that fit that bill) and I don’t get why you’re so bent out of shape.
I think she told us. No one to validate her. No partner to adopt or foster an immigrant child with.
And this is why Republican women who would comment do not, or do comment and leave (because they don’t want to get verbally abused all day).
Is it verbal abuse to want (R) to admit they have been coopted by a hostile foreign power? Honest question. How can we discuss in good faith with representatives of a political party that does not operate in good faith?
How about you ask a question in good faith before demanding a good-faith answer? Because that is so slanted, loaded, and full of misinformation that I think you lap up talking points from MSNBC.
Yes, I have to roll my eyes at “hostile foreign power.” Censorship is not required to protect voters from foreign influence taking the form of “words on the internet.” And while the choice of candidate in the last election was clear, both candidates had unsavory foreign connections.
You can roll your eyes or not but the fact is that the RNC, the NRA and many current R officials have been funded by Russia and are pushing a Russian agenda. If you don’t see that, and I am being completely serious, you haven’t really kept informed. I think this is part of the disconnect: people who stay informed of current events SOUND alarmist to people who are not really paying attention.
Okay. I will read more about this. I was frustrated when I did not find good evidence for claims that were made, and I lost faith in the reporting on Russia and have not kept up with it. I do believe that we are dealing with corrupt oligarchs who look out for themselves and are not particularly loyal to any country. But the NRA supporters that I know are 100% sincere; they personally have received no Russian funding. If we can’t trust voters not to be swayed by propaganda campaigns, then how is voting supposed to work?
So I’ve worked a lot on the Russia and related stuff, and for the record, I’m a political moderate so this isn’t motivated by being a liberal or anything. The Russia- Trump-other republican & right leaning organizations connections are very disturbing, and there’s a lot that hasn’t really been made public yet or isn’t much discussed. Any american who loves democracy and this country should be concerned. Definitely read more about this. Not saying that Clinton is totally clean, but in a different way that’s less concerning in terms of the integrity of our system.
Anyway, my point is read more about both of these things from measured and reputable sources. And I feel the need to add this disclaimer- no matter what turns up here does not mean that all republicans or all democrats are bad people, culpable, etc etc.
@Anon @11:55 –
“But the NRA supporters that I know are 100% sincere; they personally have received no Russian funding. If we can’t trust voters not to be swayed by propaganda campaigns, then how is voting supposed to work?”
— The NRA supporters may be sincere and personally independent and patriotic. But if they are being manipulated by a foreign gov’t to sew discord that is a problem. The agenda is to cause chaos and make people cynical. That’s working! I have never been an NRA supporter but I can recognize that the organization has changed and gotten more extreme over the years. Would you not agree? That trickles down to the membership from the top, not the other way around. Why? Same with the notion that “they’re just words on the internet” – if those words manipulate how people vote and the choices they make, that’s a problem for all of us. I don’t believe censorship is the answer, but I do think we have to address the issue.
Question to the anon at 12:18 – what are some sources you recommend? My parents are staunch conservatives and I’d love to be able to refer them to a reputable source.
The Russia-US stuff is not new and not owned by Trump. Obama was aware of it, Bill and Hill were involved w/it. That was how their diplomacy worked. There is no evidence of any special Russian collusion in the 2016 election, and they did not change the deplorables’ votes. Hillary did when she called them irredeemable. Some of you sound like burnt old hippies w/your conspiracies.
Here’s an article about the Russians and American right wing meeting in 1995 https://thinkprogress.org/history-of-christian-fundamentalists-in-russia-and-the-us-a6bdd326841d/
” There is no evidence of any special Russian collusion in the 2016 election, and they did not change the deplorables’ votes. ”
This is absolutely false. There is ample evidence of Russia coordinating with Wikileaks to influence the election. This is the conclusion of ALL of the US intelligence agencies. To say otherwise is to parrot propaganda.
You also cannot claim no votes were changed. Voter rolls were hacked and the machines (which run propietary software that cannot be audited) cannot be proven to be safe.
Again, for those on the fence, please read up on this from your preferred news source. Read the testimony before Congress on these issues.
Our president at the time was aware of Russian tactics to attempt to influence the election…but we cannot be sure which candidate they preferred. One would think if they did prefer a candidate,2 it would be Hillary, because the Dems did nothing. Creating discord is not “collusion”. It is just undermining public trust and causing division. Further, Obama assured us the election would be free and fair, also knowing all the variables involved there. I know it is hard to imagine that folks voted for Trump, but they did. Ask around. They also had valid concerns and did so with intention. Many who voted for Hillary don’t even like her, but did so out of desperation…not something to be proud of so not sure why she is still relevant. Esp considering Bill’s comments of late.
+1
Just FYI, this article originally failed to note that its main “just a regular woman, not a Democrat” is actually actively involved with her local Republican party. Amazing how she managed to tap into exactly their messaging.
(Also, obviously there are women who are Republicans, women who are Trump supporters, women who are all over their ideological map. That’s not exactly novel. Also, the plight of Republican women who feel unfairly represented by the media or excluded by their liberal friends is not exactly the #1 cause we need to be worried about right now.)
You won’t get hostile replies if you provide some, any context. Dropping a wordless link is incredibly useless on this site.
Yes exactly.
Yeah , but people drop links without contexts frequently and they don’t usually elicit such a hostile response. The hostility is b/c of the whole Republican thing, and that’s a little ridiculous.
I thought it spoke for itself. Honestly there are so many discussions here that demonize women who are republicans. Or maybe not demonize – infantilize? As if any republican woman must have been brainwashed because how on earth could you have a different point of view.
Right. The assumption is that we are either evil, supporting evil, literally would have cheered on the Nazis, or are in need of education (both formal and to be put in our place my our liberal betters).
It makes me so much more conservative than I otherwise would be.
I think a lot of women on this site demonize the Republican party, rightfully so with its current policies at the elected official level, and throw in all people that identify as Republican without recognizing that a lot of Republicans don’t agree with all the policies or ideals.
A lot of the Republican women on this site are actually conservative (not party of country type) and aren’t necessarily gung ho for everything the party is doing right now but don’t have another party to identify with – but they never articulate that nuance here, so posters jump on them for defending the party without addressing the terribleness that is going on right now.
No, there aren’t. There are lots of discussions of policies that are demonic, and then aggressive tone deaf pouty follow ups from people offended that the rest of us think that supporting evil makes you complicit in that evil. Sorry that hurts your feelings.
You are supporting evil.
Not all republicans are trump supporters. You’re making a lot of assumptions. Even if most republicans did vote for trump or do support the terrible things he’s doing, it doesn’t excuse assuming things about an individual person.
Give someone the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason not to. you don’t know the full range of someone’s thoughts just because they associate with one particular word.
…and this is why Trump won!
You said Mitt Romney was evil and gave people cancer. You said that he hated women when he went out of his way to hire them (“binders full of women”). You drove an incredibly ethical and talented governor out of office, turned a blind eye when a reporter moved in next door to her to spy on her family, and sl*t shamed her daughter. You joke about Barron Trump’s neurological state and cheer for him to be s*xually assaulted. You joked about the statutory r*pe of one of the Palin kids. You leaked personal information on Joe the Plumber, drove Christian pizza places out of business, dox randos with Twitter accounts, got Brandon Eich terminated for holding the same position on marriage as Obama did up through 2012, and….
Then you have the temerity to say that you have moral authority? That you are our moral betters? Sod off, swampy.
Kat, how does this not get moderated? How?
Anon at 10:44—This isn’t why trump won. I truly do not understand the argument that because those snowflake libruls were mean meanies to republicans, they decided to vote for a deranged, bright orange grifter who can barely construct a coherent sentence. Do you hear yourself? If I hit myself (and everyone around me) in the head because you called me a name, who’s fault is that, really? (It also sort of sounds like, well I wouldn’t have hit you if you just shut your mouth, doesn’t it?) Thanks for inflicting your tantrum on the whole world! This argument is just so stupid and all it is designed to do is shame and blame liberals for conservatives’ terrible choices.
And all this nonsense you’re accusing *us* of? Bull. I don’t know who hurt you, but I truly do not understand how you can be so vicious and stupid as to attribute that sort of crap to all democrats. You’re not making a very good case that poor, poor conservative women are being shouted down here (or anywhere else) if this is your example of respectful and productive dialogue.
Whoa, dude, put down the Breitbart.
It is a literal, factual listing of the targeted harassment of conservatives. That is not worthy of moderation or Breitbart talking points. Grow up.
It’s not infantilizing you. We just think you’re stupid. Yes, you.
For all of those who think this is too hostile: if you support Trump, you support his actions. That means you support sexual harassment, hatred, racism, Nazis, and pretty much everything bad in this world. Yes, you. You can justify it however you want to yourself, but we know the truth.
Regular longtime reader here. Strongly disagree that people drop links without contexts “frequently”. Usually there is an intro, then a link in the comments. Then discussion.
I think her username (“Regular GOP Reader”) gave plenty of context for the link, especially given the discussions over the last couple of days. I’m a Dem, fwiw.
I agree there’s no need for the hostility at the beginning. It did seem like OP was trying to mic drop, though by including it without any context first thing in the morning without any prior discussion, which… why? Trump already won 18 months ago. We already know that white women overwhelmingly voted for him although women overall did not.
OP, I’d much rather hear *your* reasoned discussion and opinions contributing to topics people raise rather than some article without any context or cues as to your thoughts, a real live contributor to this community.
Not all conservatives and republicans are Trump supporters, and I’ll hold space for those views, but in my (moderate Democrat; former R voter) view, if you claim to support the GOP at this time, you are contributing to the evils that Trump is perpetrating.
I agree that why even post it without any comment unless you’re looking for people to react strongly. Feels like baiting to me. And I disagree that that “regularly” happens here; nearly every time someone at least posts something like “I found this thought-provoking” or “Great read if you are looking for something over lunch” or something generic. The presentation seems like it’s begging for people to react; the old “drop a bomb in a thread and leave” behavior I see mostly on other boards, not here.
If someone wanted a reaction, they’d say something rude like “Here’s an explanation for you close-minded liberals who can’t fathom how any woman would think differently than yourselves.” Faulting this poster for not typing “Here’s an interesting article” and claiming the lack of a benign statement like that makes it hostile by default is (1) silly and (2) part of the reason why conservatives never feel safe posting here.
Wait, conservatives don’t feel safe posting here because “we” “require” benign statements? And I also don’t get the “safe” thing. You can post or not. If a group of people here are like-minded in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you either stop posting, or post through the discomfort. I don’t get why you need to agree with everyone in order to post here. I definitely differ in a ton of ways from posters on here (biggest one is the money I have access to – not that much), and if someone is saying something different from me, I either read to learn or move on. The idea that you don’t feel “safe” seems a little outsized….no one is doxing conservative posters or anything.
Safe? What? Cry baby.
I’m not going to engage on the “feeling safe” bit, but I do think we all have a lot to gain from hearing each other’s (thoughtful and respectfully conveyed) point of view and being open to hearing one another out. We on this board could – and should- be better about that.
To be completely honest, I haven’t seen a lot of thoughtful discussion from conservative women here, which is why I think this poster is either a tr0ll in the classic sense, or tr0ll-like in that all of his/her posts are just trying to stir up attention.
I am a left-leaning (but not super left) senior executive and my sister is a right-leaning (But not super right) executive. We have lots and lots of substantive discussions about our different viewpoints. We are more alike on most issues than you might think. Newsflash – it is possible to still be a conservative and disagree with certain aspects of what the president is doing. It was also possible for me to be an Obama voter and supporter and still disagree with some of what he did.
What I see is someone here posting that he/she supports the “prez” and any disagreement with his/her position is considered name-calling, and rather than provide factual or reasoned support for his/her position, just pouts “this is why Trump won.”
Don’t wade into a group of highly educated women, throw some controversial remark out, then call yourself a victim if people disagree with you. If you want to make a point, defend your point with facts, not name calling of the other side.
Thoughtful conservative women have better things to do with their time than be attacked by “highly educated” women (newsflash: so are we!), so the only ones remaining are not thoughtful. And it’s not like liberal women are defending themselves with facts all the time!
As indicated by the name used, I’m a regular reader. This is the first time I’ve ever posted about being conservative and generally am here for non-political conversations. I’ve read this blog since I was in law school and appreciate a lot of the discussions here on other topics – management, finances, navigating the professional world as a woman, shoes, etc. There do seem to be trolls here lately getting breitbarty, but I’m not one of them. When I saw this article linked on another blog, I thought, I wish some of the r*e*t*t*e*s I like so much would read this.
Can’t you just take this to Facebook? I don’t come here for political discussions.
Anymore this entire site is political discussion. And I get it. I do. But also wish I could find a little more escapism here and we could go back to making this my little corner of consumerism. I promise you all I read plenty of other sites about the world, the news, politics, etc. I kind of miss discussions about whether nude heels are still en vogue.
So …. skip those comment threads? Super easy to collapse an entire thread now (unless you’re on mobile).
I know this is a funny question but I love beans and want to eat them more often. For those who eat them frequently, do you buy them canned or dry? How do you prepare them or do you eat them plain? TIA!
I eat beans out of a can (with eggs, in salads, etc.), although I recently read an article that maybe I should step up my game – https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/04/23/the-hunt-for-mexicos-heirloom-beans
ETA (that made me think that maybe I should…) also I don’t literally eat them out of the can. lol miss the edit function
I am a member of an heirloom bean club, which has a Facebook page that is incredibly, unbelievably active. So all day long all I hear about (and see pictures of) is how people cook and eat their beans. But yeah, the heirloom beans are a whole different level of beans. I tend to cook mine with a few aromatics and not much else, and then either eat them as a dish with a couple of separate vegetables, or throw them into a taco with some other things. But I am just learning. One of the most popular dishes is Smitten Kitchen’s pizza beans. You can do lots of soups. Or you can drop beans into a sauce, like a loose pesto. It’s endless, I am learning.
I’m pretty sure you are talking about the Rancho Gordo club and it is awesome. I recommend it to any bean lover. The Facebook page is full of people excited about beans who post lots of great ideas. The pizza beans are great but I usually cook beans in my instant pot and eat them throughout the week.
I bought the Rancho Gordo vegetarian cookbook and love it so far. The baked beans were delicious.
I never eat beans and don’t particularly like them, but even I can tell that Rancho Gordo beans are special. I don’t know if it’s because they’re heirloom or because they’re not ages old when you buy them, but they are really good.
Daal is really yummy. Also, check out Cooking Light’s vegetarian recipes. Avoid the burgers (too much work).
When I plan in advance I cook them in a slow cooker. I usually rinse & sort them then cover then with a couple or three inches of water in the slow cooker. 3-4 hours on high is plenty. This article suggests cooking on low:
https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-beans-in-the-slow-cooker-74529
I love this black bean recipe:
https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/kemps-black-beans-238086 When I make it in the slow cooker I use something like 6 1/4 c of water. I skip the balsamic vinegar. They are so flavorful you can just mash them for refrieds and use in burritos, etc.
I do a lot of burrito bowl type things with rice and beans and used canned for that (rinsed and drained always for everything in my house). Chili (ours isn’t vegetarian, but it is easy to make it that way) – I use canned kidney beans, usually a can each of light and dark. Black bean soup, which is best in a slow cooker (IMO) with dried beans.
When I need a really quick and easy lunch while WFH, I make simple black bean burritos with some shredded cheese, avocado, and hot sauce. Very basic, but quite tasty and certainly good enough for me for quick lunches. I used canned beans, but would switch to dried beans if I made this more often.
Dry – make them in a crock pot. You can freeze them too. Much tastier and cheaper than canned. https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-beans-in-the-slow-cooker-74529
I now buy them dry because I’m trying to be more environmentally friendly. I make a big batch in my InstantPot with chicken broth, onion, and garlic, maybe some spices too depending on what I’m making. The texture and flavor is so much better than canned.
I make mine in the Instant Pot too. I make a whole bag at a time, and freeze what I don’t use right away. So easy!
I buy them canned, and either heat them on the stove or microwave them if I’m eating them separately. I used to use them in rice cooker recipes though, tossing them with rice, chicken broth, chopped grape tomatoes, and whatever else I wanted to add. I do recommend rinsing them though, unless they’re baked beans.
We eat beans a ton! If I need a quick lunch at home I like to mix canned red beans, canned chicken, and a sweet potato (if I have one cooked) or avocado with some spices.
I like dried beans but don’t always have the time or foresight, so I like to have both on hand. Chickpeas and red beans are the most versatile for me to keep on hand canned. I like to have dried white beans on hand.
My friend gifted me a box of Rancho Gordo beans for Christmas and they are DELICIOUS and a lot of fun to cook on a weekend or winter evening with some aromatics and bacon.
Canned beans are a minor miracle if you’ve ever sorted, soaked, and then cooked beans… and sometimes they are still dry!!
I make my own hummus on occasion with garbanzo/chickpeas. I love black beans. Fava beans are dense and huge and can get creamy when cooked right.
They’re great added to tomato sauces. I do try and get low-sodium or no-salt added and I usually rinse the canned beans. Note some recipes might call for bean by one name, say, cannelini, and it turns out they’re also called by other names, like Navy beans or white beans or…
I do canned; multiple attempts at cooking dry beans on the stove and my crockpot just did not work.
I love canned ful/ Ful Medames (fava beans) — I like the Ziyad brand. Just heat them up, or there’s an a recipe on the side of the can for ful salad that’s amazing (basically, heat, drain, smash beans, add garlic, lemon, and parsley.)
I love Trader Joe’s seasoned black beans in the can.
Those are great.
Orangette’s creamy beans are a staple in my house in the winter. With a poached egg, with kielbasa and rice, or just with a tortilla. They are delicious and stupid easy.
OP, what in the world makes you think “rettes don’t know this? I’ve been around long enough my Republican friends in DC have all gone from JR staffers do SR/chief staffers and lobbyists. The opinions on this board aren’t shared in ignorance of the existence of Republicans or conservative women.
Does anyone have any tips or product recommendations for dealing with a shaking computer monitor? Googling is giving me nothing but instructions for dealing with a flickering display, but I’m talking about the entire unit actually physically wobbling. I’ve tried propping it up with books, but it isn’t working.
Today is day four of 6+ months of renovation in my building, and the constant vibration is killing me. Looking at a jiggling screen all day has me constantly nauseated.
Oh no! I think you need something that would absorb the motion? Blue tak, that museum stuff, or playdough in a pinch?
Can you duct tape it to the desk? I am not joking. Masking tape might leave less residue.
I got a mounted arm because it’s much easier to set the monitor at the correct height and not be looking DOWN all day that way. They’re pretty easy to attach – plus you can easily use them with multiple monitors! Really cuts down on the movement.
some kind of shock absorbing desk mat?
something like https://ehomerecordingstudio.com/monitor-isolation-pad/
My first thought was museum gel. But sympathy — they’re doing a ton of construction in my entire work area and on the metro stations underneath, vibration is a way of life for us.
I just wanted to say that I enjoyed yesterday afternoon’s discussion of how you know you’re a woman. It’s really nice to be able to thoughtfully discuss an issue of political importance with smart women without it resorting to mud-slinging. Glad this site gives us that opportunity!
Yes, that discussion was why I keep scrolling down to read the comments. I love the thoughtful dialogue on here when intelligent women disagree. (I’ve even liked some of the apparently tr0ll posts because I like to hear the thoughts on both sides, they help me crystallize my own position.)
I enjoyed it too. A lot of food for thought.
Our city has a girls-only science camp. We’ve been going to it for years. This year, I asked my daughter how she liked this week and she said she loved it (which I knew; that’s why we go back each year).
And then this: it’s nice when the boys aren’t getting all of the attention. And she went on to discuss how most famous scientists are men, not women, and women don’t get enough attention in science. Girlfriends, she is NINE.
YIKES! Our city has no single-gender schools. At one point, I went to a school that had been all-boys, but went co-ed (ditto with my post-high school schooling) and was close to 50-50 by the time I was there. Should I look for other single-gender things for her (I have friends who went to Smith and Wellesley; I think of them as good schools if you want to go to law school later, but not good schools for science per se). AND in my city, my understanding is that girls tend to be over-represented in higher level classes throughout school years (e.g., AP Bio, AB/BC calc). My personal annecdata is that the kids at my kids school who were picked (by scores, I think) to go to a district math competition were 8 girls and 2 boys (although I doubt this ratio persists; and for all I know the boys had soccer tournaments or other activities and perhaps 4 more didn’t show up).
How can I be sure that she’s getting a good nurturing school environment for math /science when already it seems that there are headwinds?
Teach her to be forceful in demanding attention and to advocate for herself. I don’t think you’ll have much success changing her environment to be more equitable, unfortunately. I wish my parents had been more focused on teaching me to do this, and it’s a skill that will serve her well throughout her life and career. Help her internalize the desire and ability to speak up for herself, even when it seems like she should sit still and be pretty. This is the biggest push of my adult life, and I’d kill to have learned it earlier
Ask her to tell you when something happens that is discouraging. I was a child in the 70s, and my principal told me and my best friend we could not take Physics because it would take spots boys needed to take the class for college. My friend told her mom, who went and talked to the principal and teacher and made sure we were enrolled. The teacher paired us with the dumbest guys he could find for labs, but at least we took the class.
I told my mom when my trig teacher would not call on me or answer my questions after class. She was geared up to talk to him but to my lasting regret I told her not to because I was embarrassed.
I think this is good advice. I never attended any girls-only anything but my parents always instilled in me the notion that anyone who thought I couldn’t do something because I was a girl was an idiot. I think this is different from just saying, “you can do anything!” It changed it from a me issue to a them issue and I cannot be responsible for other people (another important lesson).
It also helped that I had a lot of positive female role models in my life: literally every woman in our family who is genetically related to me always worked, usually well past “retirement” age because they loved it. If you have friends/acquaintances working in stem fields, esp. women, maybe you can ask if your daughter can visit them at work?
There’s a lot of time between 9 and college. What are you hoping to achieve? Would you consider an all female boarding school? There are several excellent ones I can think of that would nurture her, but only if you want to go the boarding route.
I don’t know — I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that a kid even thought this.
IDK re boarding school — the finances alone probably rule it out but I know that many boarding schools run or let camps use their facilities in the summer and that might be something good to explore.
I’d like to know more about them b/c the only ones I know are co-ed — Lawrenceville, Blair, ones in MA, ones in PA. STAB is all women? And Foxcroft? [TBH, I associate many of them with high cocaine use in the 1980s and high SES status (vs academics), but perhaps things are different now; I know the tuition is shocking.] [FWIW, NJ is an interesting place to grow up — in some suburbs, you see kids get kicked out of all these schools almost weekly in a way that makes the Preppy Handbook true and not a satire.]
A lot of the best schools offer very generous financial aid.
STAB is co-ed. I know women who went to Foxcroft and spent a good amount of time on their campus growing up (including dodging some pressure from one side of my family to go there for high school), and I would not send my daughter to Foxcroft. Unless it’s drastically different than it was 15-20 years ago. Or your daughter is specifically passionate about horseback riding.
I have always wanted a STAB sweatshirt. Or something. I have a vague idea where it is (nearish to UVA?). For when I am feeling stabby / late nights in the office.
Ethel Walker, Miss Porters, Greenwich Academy are all ones I competed against when I was at my (co-ed boarding) high school. I’ll tell you that the girls from Miss Porters were some of the most confident and intellectually thoughtful females I have come across to this day.
I went to Miss Porter’s. It’s a great school.
Dana Hall in Wellesley, MA alum here. Highly recommend!
I would consider looking at a single-sex high school if there are any good ones in your area or if your daughter is the type to thrive at a boarding school. She is definitely onto something when she says that it’s easier/better to learn without boys around, especially in these formative years. She’ll have plenty of time to deal with socialization and mansplaining later on in life.
Co-ed school but some single gender extracirrculars was the right balance for me. Many new programs/iniatitives focused on getting girls involved in STEM. Even Karlie Kloss has one!
I’m a woman in science. I’m not a fan of girls-only education at the high school or college level. At some point you’ll have to work with and compete with boys/men and I don’t think postponing that reality does anyone any good. I think you’re doing all the right things. Girls only sciences camps are a great supplement to a co-ed education, where she can connect with other girls interested in science and get to know female role models. I’d encourage her to do that stuff and also to take AP classes in subjects that interest her and to look at colleges with strong science and engineering programs.
IMO the biggest problem for women in STEM is the subtle discrimination and harassment that wears you down over the years (and is not restricted to STEM, honestly). Not the headline-grabbing stuff like advisors groping their students (which is thankfully pretty rare), but more just that science is a big ol’ boys club and lots of people have pre-conceived notions and stereotypes about women and science. I know one issue for a lot of my friends is the fact that female scientists will often get pushed into a “token” role where they are one of only a handful of women and they have to take on a disproportionate share of the diversity and outreach stuff. Most of us love mentoring junior women, but it can be exhausting when you’re the only one and you have to do all of it, and at least in academia it takes time away from research, which is really the only thing that matters for tenure at research universities.
I agree. There is no need to do a single sex school, teach her how to advocate for herself and get what she needs to. For what it’s worth, I’m in a technology field and most of the discrimination I’ve faced has been from people on the business side of things, rather than the technology side.
Thank you! I wanted to say something along the lines of “but she’ll need to figure out how to work with boys eventually”, but you are clearly in a great position to say that. I also think the fact that my parents somehow communicated to me that boys are just people too and that boys and girls are equal, and can be friends, has been very valuable as I’ve made my way in the adult world.
Not STEM myself, but my mom is (both parents actually) and insisted that her daughters go to co-ed school for that exact reason: “you have to learn to compete with boys.” My mom likes to tell stories about her as a young engineer showing up to work s1tes pregnant because “in the 80s, maternity wear was a pastel tent with a bow at the collar” and she was often the only woman… for decades. Obviously in many ways work-life prospects have improved for women but I’m in-house counsel now but in a male-dominant industry and just yesterday nearly *lost it* dealing with condescending men allllllllldaylong who treat me as less-than. Sometimes talking to only men all day is exhausting. The fight is tiring and I’m glad I had my mom as a role model. No kids just yet so I can’t say what I would think about for my daughters, but so far her philosophy has been helpful for us – to know how to compete but moreover to know that *I belong here.*
Interesting, I went to an all girls high school and I noticed at my (co-ed) college that I was one of the few girls/women who participated as actively as the boys/men. I credited my single s3x education for that — it never occurred to me that girls shouldn’t dominate the conversation because all the conversations we had were dominated by girls.
So maybe there are ways to win with both approaches. I hope, because my smart girl kid is going to co-ed public school unless our finances change in some seriously unexpected ways.
Oh man also so much solidarity re: being in-house in a male-dominated industry. It’s tiring.
I went to a standard co-ed public high school and Smith for college. Something I loved about Smith was that when it came time to pick leaders (for projects, student government, clubs, etc.) you’d look around you and realize it was going to be a woman, and that woman might as well be you. (Whereas in high school there was usually a habitually-entitled male classmate who assumed he’d lead and grabbed the title first.) Time in a women’s only environment helped me establish a habit of stepping up for leadership that carries through into co-ed workplaces.
If you’re thinking Wellesley isn’t good for science you’re wrong.
+1 — Wellesley allows students to take classes at MIT and earn a double degree from Wellesley and MIT if desired. A number of my husband’s fellow earth science PhD students, meanwhile, are from Smith.
But then why not just go to MIT? The women I know who went to Wellesley are very smart, but definitely more liberal arts-focused than sciencey. I think it would be isolating to be one of a small number of people who is passionate about science (and as an MIT alum, I can say that a Wellesley student who takes most of her classes at MIT may have a fine academic experience, but won’t find a social group at MIT).
Ditto Smith–very strong in STEM.
I think the choice of a liberal arts school versus a tech school is about what one wants from the college experience, which is not something a 9-year-old (or her parents) should be thinking about right now. That said, the whole point of attending a liberal arts college–as distinct from a research university–is that you are trained to be well-rounded and that you have access to more opportunities because you aren’t competing with grad students. That’s true of the co-ed liberal arts college my sister attended before getting her PhD in orgo, and it’s certainly true of the women’s colleges like Smith and Wellesley that are strong in STEM.
As for going to a women’s college: again, this is a personal choice. But almost on a daily basis, I’m grateful to my eighteen-year-old self for opting for Smith.
I honestly don’t know re Wellesley since it is a tiny all-BigLaw sample size. But my female friends who did go into sciences straight from undergrad (not counting doctors) all went to if not science schools (Stevens Institute of Technology, GA Tech, NC State) big state U schools where there were engineering, etc. programs (UVA, Tennessee).
I can see how smaller colleges (not just single-gender ones) could have a harder time recruiting / retaining science faculty than a big research university. But I didn’t major in this or pay any attention at all as an undergrad b/c I majored in beer and having the best 4 years of my life (fun, but I do not recommend for long-term prospects though).
Depends what kind of science you are thinking of. Undergrad degree only? Then yeah. But many/most strong science careers require a grad degree (MS or PhD) for which schools like Wellesley are fantastic prep. I went to a small liberal arts college as did many friends.
Swarthmore for ugrad engineering, did a masters somewhere, now a professional engineer.
Colby- studied comp sci, now an engineer in Silicon Valley startup. Did/doing coursework at Stanford.
Examples:
-best friend went to Wesleyan undergrad, caltech for her PhD.
-Bates undergrad, MIT for masters in (blah blah something something) robots and AI
All good to know.
As a parent, my life is really a cautionary tale of what not to do; I am short in the area of positive advice so trying to learn more about the world and the roads I didn’t travel on.
[I’m wishing, from a budget perspective, that I saw more State U on this list.]
State U works depending on the major, the state and the school. In my state, there is one school that is considered easy to get into and not that rigorous of a curriculum for most majors but is considered excellent for electrical engineering. Kind of like how Vermont Law is known for their Environmental Law program. Depending on her specific interests, a state school could work!
As someone who went to a east coast State U, you do not need to go to a fancy school to have a great career. I have a great career and many people I went to school with are working in Silicon Valley. I wasn’t really that excited about my choice as a teen, but frankly the size of the school has been a huge plus for my career – huge alumni association and great career network. At one of my summer intern engineering programs (at a great company), we had one intern from Yale and even though it’s obviously a great school, everyone was wondering why he went to Yale for engineering and found it weird.
I’m public liberal arts for STEM ugrad (small school, loved it) and state U (well ranked) for law school. Same state, in the midwest. I work for a medical device company (my metro is a big med device town). I think the experience depends as much on the student as it does on the school – you get out of it what you put in, so she’s not going to be screwed by going to a State School.
Never did single gender for anything STEM (it was the 80s/90s), but my dad (Chem E) was probably the biggest influence in me getting a STEM degree. He liked chem and geology, so he shared that excitement with me (I’m the oldest) because it was cool. I took the science classes because…what else was I going to take? There was a real unwritten expectation that I would take science and math because that’s what I was interested in. Avoided the engineering degree and rebelled by going to law school.
There were definitely times I was the only (or 1 of 2) girls in my classes (once in Ugrad, once in Law school), but those were rare occurrences and that was at a relatively small school and was limited to small classes.
I was a STEM major (who eventually wound up in law school), and I agree with most of what was said above: make sure your daughter can advocate for herself or will come to you if she needs backup.
I went to a large state/ research university, and I loved it. Part of what helped was having study groups with other women. It made me more confident in class. Having classes with women professors also made a difference, as did joining the various women-focused science clubs/societies. You do run into some sexist professors and men who talk over women, but you find those types out in the working world, too. I had a post-doc like that in the lab where did my research.
What I also liked about being at a big research school was not just doing research, but working along side grad students and post-docs. They’re great resources, plus you get an idea of what grad school in the sciences will really be like.
+ Mount Holyoke Woman here! A LOT of STEM graduates and great programs and professors and opportunities and, and… I can help you look into it.)
I went to Colby for my BA in Chemistry – I was much better prepared than the students in my grad school class from big state/research schools when I went to grad school. I would heartily recommend liberal arts schools for undergrad STEM majors – the professors are there primarily to teach, and the the research projects all go to undergrads.
I went to a girl scout camp for many summers (including as staff all through college) and that was a fantastic opportunity to be in an empowering all girls environment without attending an all girls school.
Another GS camp participant and counselor checking in! :)
Girl Scouts is an awesome organization…their motto is “Where girls grow strong,” and holy moly was that my experience. Girl Scouts gave me both skills and confidence for life and were some of the best experiences I ever had growing up.
+1 for liberal arts schools and Girl Scouts. Scouting taught me a LOT.
I would like to provide an opposite perspective. In my (rather clubby and elitist) field of science, students get into the top Ph.D. programs 99% based the clout of the professors that are writing their recommendation letters, and professors at (say) a large state school have much more of this clout than professors at a liberal arts college. Even though the *teaching* might be better at a liberal arts college, I would not recommend it to someone who wants to go on to a Ph.D. in my field.
Signed, someone who’s about to start a tenure-track job at a liberal arts college!
Congrats!
I look at my children now as I did when they were babies and wonder what they have to offer the world and how can I pls not f*ck it up for them.
I know a lot of Wellesley women in the sciences and science-related fields. I wouldn’t be so quick to rule it out. And it’s pretty powerful when every science or math major you know is a woman.
^Hit enter too fast – when you’re at college and all the science and math majors you go to school with are women.
My three year old daughter yesterday asked if she could start seeing a woman doctor because she might want to grow up to be one so she thought that would be nice.
This next generation is going to be awesome.
My kids thought all doctors were female and black because of Doc McStuffins and their ped. When a white friend introduced himself as a doctor, they didn’t believe him.
And a friend of ours is a (still very rare) woman pilot. Her kids refused to accept men could be pilots until she invited a friend over in his uniform to “prove” it. They thought dads have to work in offices and moms go away for days at a time and then come home for days at a time.
I have so much hope that the next generation will see role models of all kinds and be able to picture themselves doing whatever they imagine.
One of my sisters knew early on that our aunt was a carpenter, and when she found from a picture-book life of Jesus that St. Joseph was also a carpenter she dropped the book in shock and said “WAIT!!! You mean BOYS can be carpenters TOO?”
Am I the only one that thinks it’s still a bit sad if kids are making these kinds of assumptions about gender? Like only girls can be pilots isn’t really better than only girls can be nurses.
No, I think it’s a normal part of human development. We categorize things and look for patterns and otherwise try to make sense of the world around us. Kids are still figuring out the right and wrong patterns, and categorizing based on physical characteristics is a pretty common approach. I am happy that kids are seeing more options for the categories so they can expand the patterns in their head.
Agreed, AIMS!
I know parents these days are proud of these kinds of things because it means — oh my kid is going to be SO successful and a world changer. But give me a break. Wish we’d go back to kids being seen and not heard and not having an opinion on everything under the sun. No one needs a toddlers opinions on anything.
Maybe we should go back to “if you don’t have anything nice to say..” rather than “kids should be seen and not heard.”
Yay for her for wanting to be a doctor so young! But talk about a field with biases…
I was at an event earlier this week where someone was making little drawings for all of us to decorate out nametags. When they were handed out, the male nurse got a stethoscope on his and I (female, medical student) got a nursing cap on mine. You know, the white ones from the 40’s with the cute little red cross? Not that there’s anything wrong with being a nurse, but just the fact that the man got the doctor’s symbol (even though he’s going to be a nurse) and the woman got the nurse’s symbol (even though she’s going to be a doctor)….
There’s a reason female doctors have to wear the white coat even when the male doctors don’t.
Especially thoughtless since who wears nursing caps anymore except at the Pinning Ceremony?
I think bubble wrapping girls in an all girl environment is a dis service. If she wants to go into medicine, engineering, whatever she’s going to have to learn to compete with men. I think these are just excuses frankly. You don’t do real science until high school – bio, chem, physics – and most of your grades and recognition is based on grades. If it turns out that she can get 100s on tests and A+ in class and 5s on the AP exams — it won’t be because of the attention any boy got. Same with getting into med school etc. I would frankly talk about not making excuses just because she’s a girl.
I thought there was some evidence that girls who went to girls-only schools statistically do a better job competing with men (i.e., what they learn at all-girls institutions helps them compete). Maybe things have changed, but when I was in school, teachers (both men and women) invested more in boys as future bread winners and pillars of society–even though girls got better grades. They don’t have that option when there are no boys around.
I am trying to read things that I should have read already.
First up the House of Mirth!
Lordy, what is she thinking? Why is she doing all of this? She is never going to find a rich or even tolerable husband. I love it and yet is is like watching Sons of Anarchy: every time she tries something, she winds up worse off. The spiral is now a death spiral. Is this book worth finishing? I want to look away. I finished SOA even though I couldn’t forgive the killing of Al Unser. Will there be any redemption for Lily? Should I just read the summary that I know is on Wikipedia and move on?
I haven’t read HoM but I’ve read other Wharton and I suspect “Lordy, what is she thinking?” is the point, and the interesting thing is not “Which rich and tolerable husband will she find and when?” but “Will she learn that this isn’t working?” and “How did she get this way and to what extent is it her fault?” and “How do other characters see her and why?” and “What is going on in society and her soul that makes her think this is a good idea?” and things like that. I definitely felt this way reading Gone With The Wind–Scarlett was incredibly frustrating, but I was interested in the discrepancy between how she saw herself and how everyone else saw her, and how she developed (even if for the worse), and how I could see things *in what she was saying* that she couldn’t see herself, and whether she would ever learn.
I found Wharton incredible tedious and draining. Finally stopped reading her books.
I love House of Mirth, it’s my favorite Wharton novel! But [SPOILER] no, she’s not going to learn it isn’t working. I’m glad I read the whole thing, though. If you find HoM too frustrating, try Vanity Fair. Becky Sharp, with all her flaws, is a lot less hapless in her conniving and even Thackeray admits she’s just trying to get by in a world not particularly friendly to women. And if you want to stick with Wharton, try Custom of the Country because Undine Spragg is pretty much the polar opposite of Lily in horrifyingly amusing (to me) ways.
I LOVE Vanity Fair. Becky is amazing.
I loved The Glimpses of the Moon, I found it much funnier than most of Edith Wharton’s other work, and it has a very sweet ending. My “should have read by now but haven’t” is A Passage to India by E.M Forster and To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf, both authors where I have read and loved other novels, but just couldn’t get in to these ones.
I’m a chronic re-reader, so I miss a lot of things because I go back to the books where I’m comfortable… but man do I love HoM. Once I finish the new (to me) book I’m attempting, I think I’ll treat myself to Wharton again.
House of Mirth is depressing, and yes I wanted to slap her upside the head. The Age of Innocence is mind blowing and a better read.
This looks like a unicorn of a dress — has anyone bought it?
I was wondering the same. More generally, has anyone here purchased from eShakti? How is the quality? Is sizing accurate against the measurements?
I didn’t buy this dress but I bought three dresses a few years ago. The sizing was completely all over the place for 3 dresses with the same custom measurments. The fabric was not super flimsy like I thought it would be, but just a standard cotton–nothing special. The sizing was just so off that I had to complain and get them to allow me to return them (not sure if that is standard now or not, but it wasnt at the time). I definitely won’t order from them again.
I posted last week about being told to find a job after a salary hike. Now I have a new dilemma – I had just accepted a new matter with a senior associate literally the day before HR told me I need to focus on finding another job. Thankfully I have an all day government interview lined up next Monday, but the issue is hat I have been so swamped working for this senior associate that’s I have not had any time to prepare for this interview at all. At this point, I am really stressed out and thinking about telling this senior associate about my interview and needing time to prepare for it. However, I don’t know if I should tell him/her that I was asked to leave literally the day after I agreed to work on this thing. How do I handle this? HR told me that she will leave whether to inform this senior associate about my situation up to me and that only firm management knows about this.
Don’t share. Just say you have a conflict and ask for more time on your deadlines.
I’m not in big law, but I would. Personally, if I knew I was leaving, I’d be scaling back on my work so I could focus on job hunting. Plus, if the senior associate knows you won’t be there for the long haul on the case, he might want to change up how he’s assigning the work. Since you no longer have to worry about making hours, that’s a benefit to both of you.
I’d word it that after a recent review with management, you mutually agreed that you should be focused on seeking other opportunities.
+1.
+2 – and it happens to a lot of people, probably even the senior associate at some point and you might also want to cultivate a reference from her.
Good point. If this is a senior associate you trust and like, tell them! It can be simple: “I wanted to talk to you about XYZ matter. I was excited to join the case and then the very next day, had a talk with management and have been asked to start looking elsewhere. Obviously, this was disappointing news to me, and I wanted to tell you asap so that you could figure out some alternative staffing options. With upcoming interviews, I can assist with ____ but probably not ____ for the next week/month [depending on what kind of timeline you were given. Be realistic about what you can contribute to assist with the most immediate task]. I have enjoyed working with ABC cases with you, so this comes as a disappointment, but I hope to keep in touch in my next venture. And, if possible, I’d appreciate your discretion as I figure out next steps.”
A good coworker won’t embarrass you. They know it happens at firms and that it’s not personal. Keeping in touch and being positive will benefit both of you.
Sorry and good luck. It’s not personal and you can do this!
Agreed.
No one benefits from you trying to juggle job-hunting and these matters for him.
Tell the senior associate.
You already know you aren’t staying, you and your future come first now. There is no reason you should cause detriment to your email to please a senior associate that you won’t be working for in three months. Push the workload off, ask for extensions, and if they balk, tell them you are leaving. Does having a high workload even matter at this point?
When I was in a similar situation last year, I didn’t confide in the senior associate I was working with at the time, and I still kind of regret it. We were friendly, and he had relied on me a lot when we worked together, and once I had gotten the “move on” message, I didn’t perform up to my usual standards (letting deadlines slide, etc.). He didn’t seem surprised when I told him months later that I was leaving the firm, but I also wish I’d told him the truth earlier.
This. Lean out and focus on your job hunt.
At the age of 37, in the single most surreal moment in my life, it finally dawned on me that I’m a lesbian and always have been. I cannot tell you the amount of relief I feel, I finally found the missing piece.
I’m married to a man and we have a kid. Ultimately, I realize I cannot stay in this marriage. So there’s a lot to unpack here. Can anyone recommend an LBGTQ therapist in the Houston area? If they take insurance, that would be a bonus but not absolutely necessary.
No recommendation to share, but a virtual hug and words of support for you are in order! Congratulations (feels weird here) on finding that missing piece, and that relief.
No recommendation, but so happy for you to have found your missing piece! It is the best feeling to have that weight lifted off of you and to suddenly see things so much more clearly. Enjoy exploring the new you. Many cities have LGBT centers that you can reach out to and will provide you resources and can point you in the right direction for a therapist. And since it’s Pride month, these resources are even more abundent
While you’re searching for a therapist for yourself, think about finding a child therapist and a family therapist. Good for you for finding yourself, but you’re going to need a healthy way to move out of your relationship and out of a three person family unit. Your child will take it hard, your husband will take it harder and may try to poison your child to you (not great but understandable as he will feel deeply deceived). You’re going to need an army of support.
Yes.
I second this. My husband experienced his parent’s divorce and his mom’s realizations about her sexuality as a young teen and it was tough. They are super close today but his teenage years were really challenging and the whole family could have done with some therapy.
Even if your husband is thrilled for you, being left by a parent is a lot for a kid to go through. He or she should definitely be in therapy pre-emptively if you’re going to break up your family (which I honestly think you shouldn’t, btw).
I seriously doubt her husband is going to be thrilled. IF he’s suspected, he may at least be sad but understanding.
People shouldn’t pretend to be something they’re not, so now that you realize this yes, of course your marriage should end and everyone should get therapy.
But I think in our collective love of the idea of “being true to yourself” it’s really easy to NOT THINK about how our actions and decisions affect others.
My uncle finally admitted he was gay after my cousin (his son) came out. He said my cousin’s coming out had given him courage to be true to himself. He left his wife. He’s been very happy since. She had a nervous breakdown. Like a real one. From her perspective, he was the love of her life. My cousin went through years of therapy for feeling like it was his fault his father left his mom. The only person who ended up happy was my uncle.
I’m not saying don’t be true to yourself. I’m just saying be kind as you do. You’re not the only person with a reality here.
Yeah, I’m sure OP has totally ignored this and hasn’t thought about it at all. Come on . . .
TBH, having experienced this first-hand, often the person who is having the coming out experience is actually not very conscious of the impact on the soon-to-be-ex-spouse. It’s a fairly self-centered experience (which makes sense because it’s inherently about self-discovery), and it’s easy for people not to think at all about the spouse because they’re so caught up in the excitement of finally figuring this out.
Our current cultural narrative around coming out is one of celebration, which is good! But it doesn’t accommodate the story or experiences of the spouse in this situation. That experience can be incredibly disorienting, lonely, and upsetting for the spouse, and they often don’t know anyone else who has gone through it.
This. This may be the best news of your life, and the worst news of theirs. Not anyone’s fault, just the way it may shake out at least initially. Everyone should get the support they need.
Of course this has occurred to me. I have no firm plans for the future. I’ve never even kissed a girl. But thanks for the support and well-intended advice.
Considering that Pride month has about a week left, now may be an easier time to find resources for you and your family.
Wow, big step! Congrats! It will be tough but you can come out the other side happier. You have a long life ahead of you, don’t wait!
I saw a therapist that I loved (and still miss–I now live elsewhere) in Houston. She did not specialize in LGBTQ issues but she was smart and insightful. Her name is Beth Fowler and her phone number (per the Psychology Today website) is 713-766-5363. She used to be located near the Med Center but it looks like she might have relocated.
Thank you very much.
Are you kidding me?? Put it out of your mind and make your marriage work. Consider finding a church not a therapist who’ll tell you it’s all good and you should love other women.
I will not feed the troll. I will not feed the troll. I will not feed the troll.
Don’t feed this tr0ll
I really don’t understand why we have a moderation policy??? I guess thanks for answering the question posed yesterday as to whether we really do have tr0lls!
This is my question exactly. The moderation on this s!te is unbelievable and yet this kind of thing gets through???
This response made me laugh out loud. Please join the 21st century and get your head out of your a$$.
We definitely don’t have a troll problem.
Is it trolling though? OP must be at least bisexual if she fell in love with a man and had a (presumably satisfying?) intimate relationship with him. I don’t think realizing you’re bisexual is automatically a reason to leave an otherwise happy marriage. But I may be biased because I know someone who came out as a lesbian and left her husband for a woman and then left that woman for a man. It may well be that she’s happier with the second husband than the first, but she obviously wasn’t a lesbian.
….yeah, it’s tr0lling. It’s a rude and dismissive comment that is based at least in part on religious beliefs that being gay is a sin. You’re either the same person, or being willfully ignorant. Stop it. You know nothing about OP’s s#xuality, so shut up about it. Unbelievable.
My husband realized he was bisexual about a decade into our marriage. Ultimately, we choose to stay together. My husband did so many things right. Obviously a different situation, but some might still be helpful. Here are the things he did really well: (1) no physical or emotional infidelity (at all); (2) once he came to the realization about his sexuality, he was honest about it, and he told me fairly quickly; (3) he did not try to suggest I “should have known;” (4) he did almost all of the logistical work (i.e. putting together a list of therapists, finding printed resources); (5) he acknowledged that I was heartbroken (didn’t try to get me to say “it’s okay” when it wasn’t); (6) he made sure I had the time and support to see a therapist wihout worrying about childcare; (7) his family wanted to blame me somehow, and he put a stop to that immediately and (7) he did not expect me to be his emotional support in dealing with the realization. He also found a support group for individuals who come out late in life.
We discovered through intense counseling that we were both very committed to continuing in our monogamous marriage. For us, that option was always on the table. It sounds like you know that option isn’t on the table for you, which is totally reasonable. I urge you to make sure you communicate that clearly to your husband. You will not be doing him any favors by trying to soften the blow.
Let me also say that I think you (and my husband) are very brave. You are doing something easy, but it is so worth doing. My husband is a much happier person now than he was before acknowledging his bisexuality. One word of caution, you have a lot to celebrate right now. It’s not wrong to celebrate, but be mindful that you don’t do it in front of your husband.
*that is not easy
You and your husband both sound like wonderful people. I am happy that you two found each other and hope you are happy together, despite the issue.
+1 I’m excited for OP but there are a range of options other than divorce or things staying as they are without the impact of her identity being explored or acknowledged which she may not have considered. I know another later in lifer who figured things out when she had a husband and two kids old enough to know exactly what was up. She was able to work something out with her husband that allowed them to stay married and have an arrangement that works for everyone and they all are happy its actually a win win win across the board (I think its a good arrangement for the wife’s gf too who is fond of the kids but has zero interest in kids of her own). Everyone is this situation worked hard to handle things as responsibly as possible especially because in this case we are pretty sure one of her kids is gay and his dad wanted to make sure that he was as supportive as he could be about it. Children will listen. I’ve also heard of many disasters but there are if not happy then workable mediums. But the general advice about coming out is especially true here- Remember that however long you have had things figured out everyone else has had even less time than you have and you need to have compassion for that- you don’t have to give people forever to get on board but you have to give them a good long time.
I really appreciate your insight, thank you.
How much TV do you watch? Lately we watch TV every single night, especially as I’m pregnant so we’re doing a little less and also trying to eat at home more for budgeting.
Basically every night we cook dinner together, do some chores, sometimes walk the dogs, and then settle in for around 1.5 hours of TV before bed. We tend to go to bed pretty early (9:30ish) and have intimate time. I’ve been feeling like 1.5 hours is a lot – usually an hour drama followed by something lighter. Like last night, couldn’t have slept after Handmaid’s Tale so we watched an episode of Kimmy Schmidt. Do you watch TV every night? Is this silly to worry about?
I think it’s pretty silly to worry about, because you won’t have much time for TV once the baby comes. So get all your TV watching in now!
Ha! For me, that is the least true thing ever spoken. I’m pretty sure I watched all of Netflix (like every single thing ever) while I was on maternity leave.
I watched a ton of TV on maternity leave but once my little guy was old enough to be aware of the screen I stopped. Now I am lucky if I get a half hour a night. Enjoy TV while you can.
My ped is pretty strict on screen time, but she recommended no TV with baby in the room, starting from birth. That may be overkill, but I noticed that by the time she was about 2 months old, my daughter was obsessed with my phone screen so I do think they get an awareness pretty early. While I was on maternity leave I read a hundred (literally, over 100) books on my Kindle with baby napping on my chest but no TV. Since going back to work, I just don’t have the time for nightly TV. I do occasionally watch a bit on weekends when my daughter is napping or out doing something with my husband, but it’s a pretty rare occurrence.
I don’t think it’s a problem in itself, so the question is whether you’re defaulting to TV because it’s easy or whatever at the expense of other things you want or need to do (maybe more, maybe just as well). My husband and I have been watching JtV basically every night and I don’t think *that’s* a problem, but it is a problem that it’s dramatically cut into the time we spend cleaning up the kitchen and actually talking to each other.
So: what are you not-doing because you’re watching all this TV, and are you both happy with that tradeoff?
That sounds like a lovely routine to me. Enjoy it! It will change when the baby comes.
I think you should do what you want! If you’re happy, it’s fine.
But – I will say that my husband had this concern when I was pregnant. He didn’t just want to watch tv. So we ended up adding a game before TV – either a card game, scrabble, sequence, etc. It helped us engage with each other a little more. Still watched a show but usually just 30-45 minutes.
I was going to suggest games too. When we’re trying to save money (uh I should be doing that now) we hang out and play Mancala. It’s so fun to sit and do something just slightly engrossing while we chat.
I don’t think that’s horrible. I tend to watch TV shows (not live TV) at the gym a few times during the week, and then on the weekends. It’s a deal I make with myself–if I go hop on the elliptical for 45 minutes, I can watch an episode of something on Netflix. I used to watch it a lot more, but a lot of the shows I watched went off the air and I haven’t found any I particularly have to watch to replace them. I don’t watch anything live anymore–it’s all streaming.
I don’t watch any, because I have two under 3. Enjoy it while you can! :)
Honestly, I used to fret about TV, but now that there is so much high-quality stuff available for streaming, I don’t anymore. We don’t have cable, so that cuts out all the garbage shows that just waste time, but we have Netflix and Amazon Prime video and have watched some really cool shows. Recently, we watched Charite and Generation War on Netflix and really enjoyed them. As long as you’re exercising and doing whatever else you want to do, you’re fine.
I think it’s only a problem if you think it’s a problem. For example, for a while DH and I would watch tv but we’d both barely watch and would instead be scrolling through social media on our phones. I hated that. We weren’t connecting and it was a bad use of everyone’s time. We watch tv after DD goes to bed and cleaning up but now we agree that if we’re going to watch tv, we’re going to watch it together, no phones. And honestly, sometimes I’d rather be reading a book but I like that it’s something we do together even if it’s not the most stimulating.
I watch about 1 – 1.5 hours of TV a night to wind down after working out, making/eating/cleaning dinner. I think this is pretty normal and reasonable…of course I grew up in a house that watched 5+ hours of TV a night
It’s silly to worry about. If you don’t want to, turn it off. But if you’re enjoying it don’t make problems for no reason.
We’ll watch an hour of TV a couple nights a week. This week we watched a movie on Sunday (Jurassic Park!), an hour of Poldark on Tuesday, and 15 minutes of Poldark last night. We won’t have time to watch any tonight or tomorrow. My SO won’t often initiate TV, but he’ll watch with me. He does play about an hour of video games a night, though. I’ll watch an episode or part of an episode on the elliptical, and then finish the rest at home or watch the next episode at home. I love great stories, so I don’t feel bad about watching dramas or documentaries or even clever cartoons, but if I watch more than one episode of a vapid sitcom at a time, it does feel like a waste of time.
We spend a lot of time together, and talk a lot, so I’m not worried over whether we’re reading next to each other, watching a tv show, or if I’m watching a show and he’s playing a video game. I do feel like I should probably clean more, but that’s a separate issue, and more about not cleaning rather than what I’m doing instead of cleaning.
What do you think you should be doing instead?
We watch TV almost every night and we love it. Especially now in these modern times when you can stream whatever you like and don’t have to worry about commercials.
Also don’t worry about your 1.5 hours. I just googled and as of 2016 the average American supposedly watches more than five hours of television a day!
Yes we do that. We usually start watching around 8:30 or 9 and finish up with the first 1/2 hour of the local 10 o’clock news. My husband likes trashy reality tv. I prefer well scripted dramas. So we DVR both and take turns. I know far more about the real housewives than I ever wanted to know, that’s for sure!!
I watch essentially no television except sports, because I prefer doing other stuff. But that’s a preference, not a right/wrong issue.
I watch a lot of tv. Some would say too much. But I’ve also read 40+ books this year alone according to Goodreads. So I will continue to watch as much tv as I want and not care.
My husband and I splurged on a fancy natural latex mattress (with organic cotton, no less) five years ago, but we’re thinking about upgrading to a king-size. Would it be weird to try to sell the old mattress? We live in an area where there are definitely people who are interested in more natural/organic clothing and bedding, but I’m not sure if it’s sketchy to sell something we’ve slept on that does (sadly) have some sweat stains on it. Even if you think sale is a no-go, is there any way to get sweat stains out of a mattress?
No one wants this, sorry.
I couldn’t sell a two year old mattress that had no visible stains on it, so I’m also going with no one wants this, sorry. I actually had a hard time giving my mattress away (on Craigslist) although I did eventually succeed at that.
No and no, a used stained mattress is gross. You might be able to give it away for free, I’ve done that with old mattresses but I’d never try to sell one. And stains don’t come out.
Haha, not Scott Pruitt!
Can you use it as a newer mattress in a guest room? There is always a market for used mattresses in decent shape, not everyone can afford a multithousand dollar sleep number.
But you will not get anywhere near the sale value, maybe 1/8, if that. If the numbers work for you, it might make more sense to donate it to a women’s or family shelter.
I agree, I’ve tried to resell stuff and I’ve almost never made more than the government would’ve given me as a tax break.
If I’m wrong, I will feel dumb, but is it technically legal to sell mattresses?
In grad school, I bought a cotton futon mattress off craigslist and slept on it for at least five years, so I know there’s a market, and “no one wants this” above is dead wrong. If nothing else, college kids or other 20 odds will show up to take your used mattress for free if you list it on cl. But it’s definitely not “will I make money off this old mattress,” it’s “will someone continue to get use out of this.”
Sorry, is it technically legal to sell USED mattresses (obviously it’s legal to sell mattresses).
Has to have labeling as specified (MN has a statute, which should be satisfied by the original labeling). The waste disposal in my county talks about being able to sell a used mattress in good condition – a sweat stain is probably innocuous, but how do you prove its that and not something else.
You can’t remove the tag, though~! Or something like that?! Ha!
I bought a used mattress in college when I was trying to furnish an off campus apartment on the cheap. Wasn’t willing to spend more than about $100 though.
My local community has a pretty active online classified section. Reading these comments, maybe this is really strange, but we sold our old mattress there for ~$100. Better that than hauling it to the dump or something.
I have sold my used mattress on Craigslist. I said, if you don’t haggle and come quickly, I’ll throw in a free mattress pad! We got, like $100 for it, I think. Maybe it was $75.
You’d be surprised what people want and need.
(Confession: I have bought a used mattress and used it for a year.)
We sold a 10-year-old mattress for $150. It was in decent shape and a friend of my husband’s was ecstatic to get a king mattress, so there is definitely a market for it.
Hi, Amazon has a Goldbox deal on “ergonomic deskware” including a foot rest for under the desk. Does anyone use one? Is it worth the money/extra plastic? Thanks!
I own this footrest at the recommendation of my doctor and it has saved my back. It encourages me to sit with my legs straight and the rocking tilt soothes aching feet/calves. It actually is mostly metal with just a slip resitant coating on the exterior.
Just bought this! Thanks for the heads up.
Awesome, thanks for weighing in! I’ll get one as well!
I have one! Not this kind, but it absolutely helps with the dangling feet. I’m not quite five feet so my options are either dangle and reach the keyboard or touch the floor and stretch upward.
My doctor says I need to heal my adrenal system. I’ve been getting a lot of colds, I have trouble sleeping, and I can’t seem to lose weight. She recommended keto a few months ago and it’s been going well – I’ve actually lost weight! – and now she’s suggesting I fast with a bone broth diet about once a week. She’s going to send me some resources and we have another appointment scheduled in a few months. Has anyone done anything like this before? What was the process like for you? What helped and what didn’t?
If you google intermittent fasting, you’ll find a wealth of resources and a bunch of variations on how to do it- alternate day, 16:8, 5/2, with keto, etc. Dr. Jason Fung has written a lot about it as well.
Thanks! I meant to mention – I tried googling adrenal healing and was totally overwhelmed. I feel like there’s SO MUCH out there it’s hard to know what to trust. I really appreciate the recommendation for Dr. Fung.
Is this a medical doctor or a naturopath?
MD. I talked to her about my colds/sleep/weight issues during my annual physical.
That does not sound evidence-based at all. Do it if you want to, but “healing the adrenal system” is not something that is considered legitimate by MDs.
Yeah I’d immediately find a new doctor.
+1 to both these comments – this sounds shady, find a new medical doctor.
Agree, see: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/addisons-disease/expert-answers/adrenal-fatigue/faq-20057906
I pretty much agree that adrenal fatigue isn’t real (though many doctors I’ve spoken with are skeptical of fibromyalgia as well). But I recommend looking up the Millions Missing campaign or watching Unrest to appreciate why some doctors are looking beyond conventional therapies (typically SSRIs) for patients with fatigue, insomnia, and recurring colds. (I don’t really think that “chronic fatigue syndrome” is real either, but leaving people without a real diagnosis or effective therapy is part of the problem here.)
Chronic fatigue syndrome is real and it is no longer known by that name other than for easy recognition. Google SEID if you want to get your facts straight.
I strongly suggest meeting with a registered dietician. Your health insurance provider will probably be able to recommend some, or also try your Employee Assistance Program.
I’ve had great experiences with very low carb diets, but I’m skeptical of extended fasting for women. If things are going well, why does she want to change it up?
Can you share what you mean by extended fasting? I think my dr. was talking about one day a week, though that would be a big change for me (I’ve never fasted!).
I’m still getting a lot of colds and having sleep issues. So even though the weight issue is on the right track I still have some work to do.
If you read Fung, you’ll see he recommends fasting of a day or more. I honestly don’t know whether fasting just one day a week is risky or no big deal (especially if you are still getting bone broth), though advocates point out that plenty of people fast religiously for nearly that long and are okay. Fung kind of downplays this, but the takeaway I got from his somewhat frustrating book is that if you feel fine, great! If you feel awful, this isn’t the kind of thing you should push yourself through.
Despite the skepticism of others in this thread, it seems as though a lot of doctors are recommending intermittent fasting for lowering insulin and preventing insulin resistance right now. There’s plenty of evidence for this.
By contrast, fasting strikes me as a very counterintuitive solution to stress, but the bone broth makes me think she may want to give your digestion a break? Maybe she is concerned you aren’t digesting B vitamins well or have an underlying issue with candida? I am not sure. (Skeptics in this thread will roll their eyes at candida, but I know people whose so-called “chronic fatigue syndrome” resolved upon taking mainstream anti-fungals for candida, so I believe it can happen to people whose immune systems are very weak.)
The bone broth may also be to support GABA production (bone broth is full of GABA precursors). This does sound more experimental to me, though it also sounds like a safer experiment than the more evidence-based “have a Xanax.” I know “adrenal fatigue” is considered woo-y, but “stress is bad for your health” is as mainstream as it gets, and I think it’s good that your doctor wants to help you recover from stress.
As far as I know, there is no cost-effective way of getting “evidence-based” evidence for lifestyle interventions, so if you have no disease that requires medication but still need to improve your health, as far as I know, this kind of medicine is all we have.
(I should add that I am assuming you had a thorough work-up to rule out any diseases that require medication.)
Actually there’s a lot of scientific evidence based support for many lifestyle and nutrition changes, just not this one.
Your doctor sounds kinda woo-y to me; I would find a new doctor.
Has your doctor tested for adrenal function?
An old trainer suggested I had “adrenal fatigue” and I take supplements for it. I mentioned it to my doctor and he rolled his eyes and basically said essentially no one has adrenal fatigue, so if your doctor hasn’t tested for it, I would be skeptical.
No one has adrenal fatigue because it isn’t a thing. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/addisons-disease/expert-answers/adrenal-fatigue/faq-20057906
+1
This is pretty shockingly poor advice from an MD.
It seems odd that an MD is recommending/prescribing this. I would speak with a nutritionist.
It’s also well known that if you take care of yourself with diet and exercise you will feel better.
There is a lot of science around keto and healing inflammation actually. I urge you to check out Maria and Craig Emmerich’s book, Keto, for the science, and Maria’s other books are cookbooks. They also have a very supportive FB Group (30 Day Ketogenic cleanse) that answers questions about keto in general and you should check it out.
There are plenty of non-quack MDs who see the benefits of keto. It’s a very commonly prescribed diet for cancer patients, for instance.
Just because it isn’t a diet you know doesn’t mean it’s bunk!
I don’t think keto was the issue – it was the “adrenal fatigue” thing…
This dress looks like a sack but the sleeves and pockets are awesome. Has anyone short and more cushion than angles been able to pull off a loose dress? What accessories do you wear to chic it up and/or appear taller (other than sky high heels). I’d love to wear something so comfy, but can’t seem to get the styling right.
A long necklace to… elonganate you?
I too am “more cushion than angles”. I would wear a brooch or a bright scarf (long or not) to draw the eye upward, bright earrings, that sort of thing. Also maybe show off your thin lines – 3/4 length sleeves to show off your wrists, show off your collarbone/neck area, that sort of thing.
I feel like the model looks like she just rolled out bed and threw on that dress and it’s kind of great.
“Sack” dresses have become my summer uniform. A long necklace and a wedge sandal for my business casual office during the week. And a cross-body bag with Vans, or something of the like, for weekend errands or the kids baseball games.
This might be a long shot, but I know there are some APW readers here. Is anyone going to their summer camp?
No :(. I’m on the East Coast and it’s more something I’d do for a 2 hour drive than a flight. I think it’s a really fun idea though!
No, but I am VERY curious to hear what Meg is like IRL as her online writing/persona is, um…interestingly challenging to say the least. If anyone is going please please report back!
We moved into a new house recently and now our adorable neighborhood is having a block party. Houses on our side of the street are bringing appetizers. There will be lots of kids (though we don’t have any yet) and we will be meeting most of the neighbors for the first time, many of whom know each other pretty well already. Any ideas for something to bring?
Caprese salad skewers.
Yes! I make these and they are always a huge hit with very little effort on your part.
Party poppers are easy – peppers sliced in half, filled with a cheesy chicken mixture, and wrapped in bacon.
Even easier, find a pre-made fruit salsa (pineapple, mango, watermelon) at your local grocery store, and serve it with scoops chips. It’ll go super fast.
If there won’t be meat and it’s just an apps-and-dessert thing, you can bring a meatier app. Then I’d look at sliders in a pan, empanadas, mini corn dogs, or mini crescent dogs.
Buffalo chicken dip! Always the biggest hit at every party
Haha, yes. If I’m bringing food over, y0u’re getting my buffalo chicken dip. And it’s usually the first thing gone at a party.
Someone brings that stuff to a party at my house every year and you’re exactly correct – it’s the one dish everyone looks forward to.
For those of you who enjoy podcasts, I had to come here to recommend one that I found interesting and full of suspense. This past week’s This American Life, which was entitled Abdi and the Golden Ticket, was seriously the best episode I’ve heard yet and I couldn’t stop listening to it and then thinking about this story. I may listen to it again – it was that good. And it’s available for free download.
I would love any recommendations from the hive on specific episodes of podcasts that you have enjoyed or you find memorable.
There’s a Death Sex & Money episode about the changing ways we view masculinity that I’ve got queued up. Pretty excited about it.
I was sadly very disappointed in this episode. I am a devoted DSM listener and I feel like it skimmed the surface way too much and was a bit scattered.
Thanks for the rec! One of my all-time favorites that I recommend all the time is the Steve Kerr episode of the Axe Files (episode 99).
This was a great episode. I came away from it wishing he’d run for office.
Tina Dupuy – one segment of a This American Life a few years ago. I have several people in my life diagnosed as alcoholics very young who have been sober for decades, and this hit home.
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/539/the-leap/act-three-0
Look up the 99 Percent Invisible episode Structural Integrity. AMAZING.
The Accident Gay Parent at the Longest Shortest Time podcast. So heartwarming, moving, funny and inspiring wrapped in one. I think there are actually 3 episodes (original and two updates), so make sure you start at the first one.
The Accidental Gay Parent at the Longest Shortest Time podcast. So heartwarming, moving, funny and inspiring wrapped in one. I think there are actually 3 episodes (original and two updates), so make sure you start at the first one.
This American Life, Fiasco!
It’s old but so, so hilarious.
The This American Life about Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath. There was a segment about survivors waiting at the Superdome for buses that never came. I listened to it 5 years ago and still think about it.
Going to listen to this one on the way home. Thanks for the rec!
I also loved the Kate Spade episode for “How I Built This”
Advice for how to handle a work issue? My old and obnoxious boss moved to a new role in the same department about 10 months ago. I now essentially have his previous role, reporting to the same boss as him at the same level.
He frequently receives requests related to his old (now my) job, as people think he’s still the right contact. Rather than just forward the requests to me and explain I’m the appropriate person, he will usually answer the request (sometimes incorrectly) and cc me. So people still think he’s the right contact and continue to ask him questions, without including me. He sometimes does not cc me until the thread has been going on for some time.
This guy is frankly a control freak and I think he is vying for my boss’s job, and I feel like he often undermines me in other contexts as well. I’ve mentioned in passing to him, please be sure I’m looped in for these topics. We have a strained relationship and recently had a meeting with our boss on improving it, so I need to tread lightly. But it’s driving me crazy.
It’s come up again this morning. On the thread someone referred to him as the “point person” for a topic I now cover, and of course he answered their question.
Do I need to just let this go? Should I raise it to our boss? It’s driving me crazy. I want to respond to his email with something like— “Thanks for looping me in on this. I think this is an example where the best approach may be to just forward my way so I can respond directly to the client. While I always appreciate your guidance on these topics, there’s some on-going confusion as to who does what on the team, and I want to ensure people know they can contact me (or David) on these issues directly. Just don’t want anything to get lost in the shuffle, and I know your plate is already crazy full! Thanks again”
You are being way too nice about this.Your response sounds like you’re apologizing. You are now his equal. Be straightforward, use your words and TELL him that he needs to forward these emails on to you – without adding comments – and let you handle them. If he doesn’t, then go to your boss.
I agree!
I’ve had a similar situation with a “know-it-all” colleague. She loops me in at the end, knowing I’m the point person from the start, and usually says “BeenThatGuy, jump in if any details are incorrect”.
I politely correct her mistakes and let everyone on the email know that, for future reference, I am the point person. Wash, rinse and repeat for the last 7 years.
Could you send a preemptive email to all relevant clients announcing that you are now in charge of their projects and to email you directly instead of your old boss? Maybe this was already done ten months ago when you switched rolls, but it seems like a reminder may be in order if many clients are still emailing him instead of you.
+1 plus find other proactive ways to get “known.” Schedule meetings to check up on certain issues, take key people to lunch to find out how you could support them, whatever internal networking is appropriate. Then you just cut him out.
Someone asked about Orange County and car-friendliness and family-friendliness yesterday — I responded your original post, but not until late yesterday. Reposting here with a few added thoughts!
Hi there, Orange County native here. I moved here as a kid when I was 5, and have lived here ever since with the exception of going away for college. It is an incredibly family-friendly area. Northern OC is a bit more ethnically diverse and blue. South OC (Irvine and south) is more white, affluent, red, and incredibly safe. The vast majority of the county is very family-friendly and safe. Great school districts. Not as much diversity of cultural events as you might see in LA, but I still find that there is a lot to do and lots of awesome restaurants. OC has significant Persian, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Hispanic populations in particular. I currently live in Irvine and I like the level of diversity here. I especially love the access to great Asian food.
Orange County is pedestrian-friendly in the sense that most areas have sidewalks and are safe, but it is NOT an area where you can walk everywhere you go. It is much too spread out. You’ll find that in LA too — maybe you’ll live close to a pharmacy or grocery and be able to walk there, but for the most part, everyone drives everywhere they go. Orange County is similar. We have a bus system but hardly anyone uses it (the routes aren’t very convenient). I don’t know of anywhere in Southern California where people would walk or use public transit, rather than personal cars. I happen to live walking distance from two groceries, a Target, and a pharmacy, but that is an anomaly. Most areas, in my experience, have a lot of highly-residential and family-feeling areas with separate shopping centers that you’d have to drive to. OC doesn’t have one central city that it is the metropolitan area of (the way LA is). Rather, OC is a collection of a lot of 30k-200k-person suburbs that together make up the region that is Orange County.
One place that might hit a lot of what you’re looking for is the town of Orange (yes, there is an Orange in Orange County, but we definitely are not suburbs of Orange). It’s cute, it’s historical, and it has a nice town center (“the circle”) that is pretty walkable if you live near it.
This got wordy, but hope this helps!
Oh I have OC thoughts!
Santa Ana is pretty neat. They’ve got good museums, an artsy downtown, and some sweet and affordable neighborhoods (like off Flower, north of 17th and south/west of the freeway). The magnet school OCHSA (OC High School for the Arts) is there and I know a bunch of graduates who are pretty awesome.
Further south, and much pricier, Laguna Beach is pretty awesome. There’s a beach, obviously, but also a walkable little downtown area with art galleries and bars and cafes and such. There’s a big ol’ wilderness park there too.
I think you’d be hard pressed to find anywhere in So Cal you’d be comfortable without a car. We have one car (two adults, one kid) and it usually works out OK, but we have a stay-at-home parent who bikes to the grocery store, and we live somewhere known for its walkability. I’m the only person I know who does not have at least one car per adult in the family.
I have a house with an actual (small) garden for the first time in my life, and would love any recommendations for online sites to peruse for visual inspiration!
I’m looking for something along the lines of Apartment Therapy or Design Sponge, but for gardening (for specific questions/issues, I have the Sunset Magazine gardening book and a couple other good resources).
Any ideas? Does this exist?
Interesting question! I wonder if there are some Instagram or even Flickr tags you could follow. White Flower Farm’s catalog website has a “Garden Design & Inspiration” section that I’ve found helpful, but it’s not the same as a perpetual feed of inspiration pictures.
Oh i have one for this! pithandvigor dot com. I’ve been sucked into a pinterest hole as well….
Ok, what is your work-worthy summer rain footwear? I got totally soaked walking rough multiple puddles going to work this am in a terrible Chicago rainstorm. Bonus points if you can wear them all day, as I don’t have a place to change footwear.
Ugh, same. Also in Chicago.
I usually wear my black Chelsea Target rain boots that are copies of the Sam Edelmans that everyone has. Or I just wear sneakers and embrace the fact that my feet will get wet. I let them dry out at work and change into nicer shoes at the office.
This weather is so gross.
Crazy rain this a.m.! I know you’re going to think this is gross. But I wear rubber vionic flip flops. They have decent arch support and are thin enough that you can easily dry and stick in your bag. I don’t think there is a better way than to change when it’s pouring that hard. Rain shoes look weird and get hot.
Ladies – seeking recs – I have my day off tomorrow but meeting a recruiter for a quick chat about a role – I’m a midlevel manager in a bank in nyc – the recruiter knows I have my day off – what do you recommend I wear? Will a ponte skirt and a flowy top (think Ann Taylor) work? Can I go more casual or should I do business formal?
Thanks!!
This sounds perfect to me. If you’re meeting indoors in air conditioning, maybe a cardigan or jardigan for your top. I wouldn’t wear hose in this heat!
That sounds ok – I met with one last week and wore an AT dress.
If anyone here is looking for something to read, I highly recommend Frances Mayes’ Women in Sunlight. Most of it, as expected, is set in Tuscany. Beautiful writing and lovely characters. I may have to read it again after I finish it!
Thank you for the rec, just bought for reading while traveling this weekend!
I’m listening to A Year in the World on my commute right now…I enjoy her “voice” as an author!
Hm. I loved the movie Under the Tuscan Sun but was disappointed that the book version read like … a bunch of disjointed notes that didn’t offer any kind of narrative and didn’t make the author seem very interesting/likeable. Women in Sunlight appears to be an actual novel though. So the question is would I like it if I didn’t like Under the Tuscan Sun?
I loved Under the Tuscan Sun. Just for the food and the language. But I don’t normally read non-fiction. Some of Frances Mayes’ other books reveal her very quirky views and I didn’t enjoy them as much. Some people in reviews didn’t like the book, but this is definitely a novel. I enjoyed the characters and her language. She’s a poet, so sometimes it’s a little more opaque than most novels, but I liked it a lot. Read some of the reviews on Amazon to see what people didn’t like about it.
I graduated law school and am about to move from my law school’s urban city (with public transport!) to two different cities for clerkships for the next two years. One is a medium sized city and the other is a large southern city where driving is necessary. Because my second clerkship will start a little bit after I finish my first, I need a car for about 26 months.
I had no car in law school and, having just graduated, have very little money for a down payment. I also intend to return to the city where I attended law school after clerking (sans car!).
What would you all recommend to do for a car? But a really cheap used car? Lease something? And other recommendations?
I really don’t need a nice car but don’t want to have to put a lot of money into repairs.
See if you can get a lease on a Honda civic — super reliable and most maintenance will be covered. Leasing can be much cheaper than buying esp. if you are short term. And look at the end of the month — dealers have quotas to make.
If I were buying right now and climate wasn’t an issue, I’d get a Honda Accord or Civic, or Mazda 3, that’s a few years old. But I live in Boston, buying a coupe was a mistake in hindsight, so I’m eyeing that Subaru Outback as my next car.
I’d personally buy an older reliable car (e.g. Honda Civic) and then sell it in 2 years. I’ve bought and sold a lot of older cars in my life and many of them didn’t depreciate much from the time I got them to when I sold them.
Leasing a car is generally a bad idea, but in your situation it could be perfect. Find something small you can lease for cheap (Honda, Mazda, etc.). You won’t have to worry about maintenance and repairs, and if you don’t need the car anymore when the lease is up you can turn it in. Check the cost of insurance – I think it’s a little more with a leased vehicle. Shop around.
I was in this spot once and it was way cheaper for me to just buy a used car. I also managed to resell it pretty easily.
I had a Honda Fit, bought it outright, and resold it a few years later with not a huge loss of value. If you can afford the cash outlay, it’s a good option to look into. The benefit to a new car is you won’t have a lot of maintenance. I loved the Fit.
My Mom is obsessed with her Fit. I think she is on her third (?) one.
How can I get more than a day out of a manicure? Do I need some magical bottom coat or top coat combo? I use OPI regular nail polish, put on 2 or 3 coats, and always get chips the very next day. I get a gel manicure when I can, but I’d also like to be able to change up the color more frequently. What am I doing wrong?
No advice, just commiseration. I can make pedicures go for multiple weeks but can’t walk out of a salon without ruining a manicure. So I don’t get them anymore.
Get a gel mani. It’s a commitment because i feel you need to keep getting them. But I only get mine redone every 2-3 weeks and they almost never chip. Bonus, they’re dry when you leave the salon.
This.
I get a manicure, but no polish. I just get my nails buffed (like guys do sometimes) and pampered.
That’s what I do. For a while I was using this great topcoat (the name of which escapes me) that made my polish last several days, but then my nails started splitting so I went back to bare and buffed.
I gave up and do the press on nails, I actually get TONS of compliments. So weird.
Check out the at home gel-like polishes. They last days longer than regular polish on me. Sally Hansen Miracle Gel and Essie Gel Couture. I don’t use either of their top coats, but use Seche Vite fast drying top coat instead.
I don’t get mine done at a salon because they never last the way they do it. Mine last a week or more (without gel polish).
Here’s what I do:
Take off polish
Trim, reshape, buff edges (less likely to chip due to split areas)
Wash my hands, dry them well
Go back over my nails with acetone right before I put polish on (this step is very important – gets any water or oils or dust off of the nails)
Put on OPI Start to Finish base coat. Let it dry
Two coats of polish with some drying time in between (I use Essie or Zoya)
Sally Hanson Insta-Dri (in the red bottle) top coat
I also never clean or wash dishes without gloves and I usually do my nails on Sunday nights after my major meal prep is finished.
I find it helps to really bring the polish down over the end of the nail and seal it from underneath. It also helps not to wash your hands too much, and to use gloves for dishwashing, because the polish tends to peel off more when my nails are absorbing water.
Gloves to wash dishes is the number one thing to help make my manicures last longer.
And it may not be for you, but keeping my nails super short means they chip less.
I do use Nailtiques Formula 2 Plus as a basecoat – because my nails are very bendy and weak naturally, so the bending makes the polish more likely to chip. Strengthening the nail helps. And Seche Vite fast-drying topcoat. People have asked “are you wearing gel?” with that stuff on.
One thing I noticed that really helped is to swipe nail polish remover over your nails, even if they are bare to start with. Apparently, it removes any oils that are sitting on top of your nails and helps the polish adhere better. I also think two thin coats of color will hold up better than one thicker coat, which tends to be more likely to peel.
Yep, the nail polish remover right before you start was a big revelation for me. Also probably why many salon manicures don’t last. They put lotion on your hands, then don’t fully remove it with acetone.
I am experiencing some pain/stiffness in my tailbone when I first stand up after sitting for a long time (y’know, at my desk job). I haven’t been injured or had any trauma, I’ve never given birth, and I’m reasonably physically active (bike commuter, regular yoga).
Some research indicates that this is pretty common and will go away on its own after a few weeks. Has anyone experienced this and come up with anything to ease the pain or speed the resolution? It’s kind of an awkward area to massage, but I’m wondering if I need to work on some specific stretches or talk to a chiropractor or . . .
This happened to me a lot last year. It seemed to get better over time, but I also had an unrelated back injury that necessitated physical therapy so it’s possible that had a positive influence. Try doing some core and glute strengthening work to see if that helps at all.
Is it actually your tailbone, or around the those muscles in your lower back? I have pain like that (in my glutes and lower back) when my hamstrings are really tight.
I would see your gyn to evaluate your pelvic floor muscles. They can refer you to PT. You need to not sit on your sacrum. See YouTube.
Hi, you’re me last year. I had switched to a job where I was sitting wayyy too much, and my boss at the time wouldn’t approve a sit-stand desk. My tailbone pain ended up getting pretty bad to the point where it bugged me all the time and I could barely get up from a sitting position. I ended up seeing my doctor and got an x-ray, which showed nothing. I got some osteopathic manipulation on my lower back, which did help some. He referred me to PT which I was going to do. But what really helped was getting a different job where now I move around a lot more during the day, and I now have a sit-stand desk so I am not sitting all the time. I still have some occasional pain if I have a day where I sit a lot, but it’s nothing like what it was.
Do see your doctor – mine did the X-ray because in very rare occasions, tailbone pain means something serious. But the biggest thing is to get up and move around during the day, and the suggestion above about learning to sit differently is good too. Good luck!
Same pain happens to me when my IT band and glutes are tight. Foam rolling and stretching helps. I recommend the Agile 8 flexibility exercises from a trainer.
So I’m in the (really awesome) position of having a job offer that I know is coming tomorrow, and am in final round interviews at two other places. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to even ask this question, but – I am just so distracted right now! Does the hive have any advice for me on staying somewhat focused here at my current job? I’m bouncing off the walls…
Start working on the shut-down process for your job — cleaning up loose ends, etc. Make a list of all you need to get done before you leave, and then start working your list.
If your employer has any history of having people leave immediately upon giving notice, start preparing accordingly — not just your possessions, but contacts, etc.