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Normally, I’d shy away from recommending anything described as “tie dye,” but I think the print on this blouse from Ann Taylor is subtle enough that it’s still work-appropriate.
I would wear this pretty “symphony” color with a gray suit for a more formal summer look, or tucked into a bright navy skirt for a monochromatic look. For the weekend, I would wear this untucked with a pair of white denim shorts and brown sandals.
The top is $69.50 full price at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes XXS–XXL. Using code TOGETHER brings it down to $48.65.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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mmlf annie
Any tips on how to dress up the MMLF Annie dress for an evening wedding? This is normally an office dress for me, but for a few reasons (bride-mandated color palate and my pregnant belly chief among them), I’ve got to make it work in a couple of weeks. Specific shoes and jewelry (and whatever else) recs would be much appreciated. Do dangly earrings and a bold lip get me there? Possible I’ve forgotten how to dress like anything but a house elf over the past eighteen months. TIA!
Anonymous
All that and fancy party hair and some sort of sparkly sandal-type non-work shoe.
The Original ...
I think everyone is either going way dressy or not so much at all, depending on whether they loved or loathed the inside fashion of 2020. Plus pregnant belly means lots of forgiveness of opinions. I vote for whatever shoes are most comfortable but don’t look like fuzzy slippers, dangly or sparkly earrings that you already have (unless you want a reason to shop), and a bold lip or eye (whichever you like more on your face). If you have a fancier bag or wrap or pashmina, that helps too.
NY CPA
Would definitely go with a bold lip and dangly earrings. Metallic heeled sandals. Maybe a sparkly clutch. I would avoid pumps, as they will clearly veer office-not-wedding.
Katie
Agree with all of this. Totally workable to fancy it up.
Cat
Bride-mandated color pall-tte?? I hope you’re a bridesmaid, otherwise I would have RSVP’d no thanks…
Anyway, yes, you can totally dress it up! Agree with The Original’s suggestions.
Anonymous
Is this a thing now? I’ve seen it mentioned here more than once. I am assuming this bride also had a bach* weekend in Nashville, an engagement party, and three showers?
Anon
Years ago I went to a wedding with a no black mandate. Like no black on anything like shoes or accessories. Rumor has it she also had her bridesmaids partake in some major athletic endurance event for her bachelore**e even though they weren’t all athletic. One bridesmaid sat it out. A couple begrudgingly complied. I was initially insulted I didn’t get an invite to the bach but when I learned it involved some mega long relay running race and sleeping in a van I was very glad I wasn’t invited. Oh and the marriage ended up being VERY short.
O_O
Wait, she made her bridesmaids RUN A RAGNAR?!?!
LaurenB
Yes! I don’t get this new trend of dictating what colors guests (who are t in the wedding party)should wear. It’s very r/AITA or r/wedding shaming. Actually Miss Manners (who is a hoot) says that you don’t request your male guests to wear black tie either, as it’s rude to young attendees who may not have means to buy or rent a tux.
pugsnbourbon
My younger cousin just sent wedding invites and specified cocktail attire … knowing my family at least one person will show up in denim and/or a polo shirt. It’s just the way we are.
Cat
C-cktail attire is fine! That’s a “class” of clothing. Here it sounds like the bride requested everyone wear something “pastel” or some nonsense.
pugsnbourbon
Oh I know. I should have continued to say that sometimes the class itself is a struggle, let alone a color palette.
Anon
In the before times I was invited to a wedding where the invitation requested brightly colored attire. I couldn’t go but was curious to see everyone’s outfits!
Anonymous
I’ve seen colors requested vs black at a funeral, which I think is fine. Black remains an option, so no one needs to get their nose out of joint. My colors will be hot pink and bright orange, just so you can plan.
Senior Attorney
I’m going to a memorial service next week where they specified “wear your comfiest clothes in your happiest colors.” Perfect for the departed and it makes me happy and sad at the same time.
anon
Seriously, it’s hard enough to dress for these things. I am admittedly a cheapskate when it comes to special occasion wear because it gets used so infrequently. I would REALLY chafe at being told to wear a certain color that a) I may or may not be able to find; b) ever want to wear again.
Anonymous
I have worn the Rachel (similar neckline, sheath silhouette) to weddings. Dangly earrings, bold lip, and heeled sandals will be do the trick, and wrap instead of blazer or cardigan if a topper is needed. Wedges will be more of a daytime look, so I’d avoid them. I like the block-heeled version of the minimalist ankle strap sandal that has been ubiquitous for the past few years, or you could do something shiny or blingy.
Anonymous
Ymmv but noticeably pregnant people get a pretty huge pass on dress codes. That said, that dress is perfectly fine for a wedding that isn’t black or white tie, even if you weren’t noticeably pregnant. Will you be the most stylish person there? No. Will you stand out as underdressed? Also no. It’s ok to be average sometimes. This is not something to put pressure on yourself about.
Anon
It’s a perfectly cromulent dress to wear to a wedding under any circumstances – adding some festive shoes and jewelry will be more than enough. Personally I’d wear comfortable flats.
Quail
+1 there is no way I would/could wear heels when pregnant. Sparkly flat sandals with sufficient arch support (if such a sandal exists) would be my pick.
Anon
Festive, reasonably comfortable flats = the brand Jewel Badgley Mischka. I have the Bambi in silver and find it reasonably comfortable in the “all shoes” category and extremely comfortable for the “party shoes” category. For reference, I am a size 7, neutral arched, narrow heel and wide ball of foot.
Anonymous
If you don’t feel like sandals, metallic flats would work.
anon
Recommendations for eye drops? No pain or itching or allergies or contacts, just a kid who is not a great sleeper.
Cat
The CVS house brand saline drops are great and won’t affect eye chemistry. I use them liberally after windy beach days.
Sunflower
Ophthalmologist recommends Systane Ultra.
Anonymous
Yep. This. The ones in the individual vials. The only eye drops both my regular eye doctor and my lasik surgeon both recommended.
Anonymous
You can buy them in non-individual vials, which is a lot less wasteful. I tried both and I hated throwing away that much tiny plastic. They’re definitely the best drops out there.
Anonymous
The ones in the individual vials are preservative-free.
Carolyn
I need a refreshing staycation day, and I’ve decided that’ll be Monday. I’m WFH out of my 1 bedroom apartment and I hate it, so not actually going to stay home during this.
Late 20s, single, no kids/pets, live in a major city, I’ve gone on a vacation recently but I just feel burnt out, love to read, swim, go to museums (not sure what will be open on the holiday)
I’m thinking wake up late (but not too late), go to explore a neighborhood near me I haven’t spent much time in, bring a (real paper) book and hang out in a cafe, get a mani/pedi
I just feel so unmotivated and tired even though I’m not. I’m seeing a therapist, on meds, but I feel like I need a reset and to get a good daily routine tbh. I’ve been procrastinating like crazy at work and not making it to the gym as much as I should.
Anonymous
Monday is a holiday if you’re in the US so make sure your mani pedi place is open!
Anon
Monday is the 4th of July holiday for a lot of people, you might want to check against that.
Anonymous
It sounds like you need something more adventurous to try. YMMV, but I feel much more refreshed after doing something new, like trying a surfing lesson or going to an archery range for an hour or going to a museum. “Staying local” at my usual coffee shop or at my usual park just doesn’t do it for me. Staying home is even worse. Where do you live? This is an anonymous board so it’s safe to go beyond “large city.”
Carolyn
True – I live in Brooklyn, so normally plenty of options but they may be closed Monday. I was going do the park/coffee shop thing in a part of the city I haven’t been to before – I lived in Manhattan for many years but there are definitely parts of Brooklyn I haven’t spent much time in yet
Away Game
I would do something active to get the blood flowing, then have a relaxed day afterward – like the day you described. Exercise could be anything from a good workout you’re already familiar with or just a long brisk walk if that’s more your thing, but it gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes me feel like I “earned” a quiet day after. A good book in cute cafe or shady park sounds lovely. Maybe try a new restaurant for lunch in that new neighborhood or drop by an upscale grocery store to take fancy foods to a new picnic spot. This might be the ideal time for one of those tiny bottles of sparkling wine in the middle of the day, or other indulgence. I think your idea of trying a new area but not having to “plan” the day sounds perfect. The last thing I want to do when I’m stressed is to plan more stuff, even if it’s a vacation day.
Marie
What about a day spa, where you can enjoy the relaxing facilities, attend a yoga class, bring your book, and maybe treat yourself to a massage AND a mani/pedi? Bonus: it will be nice and cool in there if you are in an area currently experiencing a heatwave.
Carolyn
I was thinking about this too. I don’t like getting a massage but I do like the rest of it. Maybe I can find a fancier mani/pedi place
Anonymous
Great Jones Spa is nice for this, although no yoga class.
JB
I feel this so much. Unmotivated and tired since we started WFH, single in a 1-bedroom apartment.
I would recommend something that gets you active. I did a big day trip on a bike (taking the train part of the way) and it felt great to be moving on my own power. You could find a small town or park to visit.
Anonymous
Hello fellow Brooklynite! I am sure you will be able to find a mani-pedi on Monday somewhere here; holiday shmoliday. Other ideas:
–For me, seeing friends is almost always the most rejuvenating thing, even when it feels like a hassle. Can you fit in something social?
–Definitely get out of the house.
–Spa Castle in Queens is fun, although it is a mix of families and adults so not super zen. It’s kind of a spa theme park? I enjoy it; have not been during the pandemic.
–The Met will be open Monday. There’s always more to see there, and you could walk through Central Park and enjoy vicarious picnicking and people watching. I think MOMA is open too, and probably some of the other big ones.
–NYBG in the Bronx is open Monday. If you can get tickets, the Kusama show is really cool. It is worth trying to get the indoor tickets as there’s a lot more to see that way.
–Governor’s Island might be fun.
–If you like to swim, go to the beach! Jacob Riis is the best but Long Beach on LI is pretty easy to get to on the LI Railroad. Coney Island will be a madhouse, but that can be kind of fun.
–Day trip to DIA Beacon if it is open?
Anonymous
Hi Carolyn, i’m also in Brooklyn and just took a similar day…it involved a 1-hour session at this salt water float sensory deprivation thingy called Lift in Carroll Gardens and if you’re a ClassPass member is a lot cheaper there than direct. weird but relaxing and new to me…
Vicarious Design Help?
Design/wall color help for anyone looking for a distraction today?!
We’re painting my 3 year old daughter’s “big girl room”. She’s moving out of her baby/crib room which has a Benjamin Moore Lime Sorbet walls that we plan on keeping there for the next baby. Her new bedframe is white and bedspread is the purple PB Kids Rainbow Unicorn Reversible Quilt & Shams. She excitedly picked out a few blush colored throw pillows at Target, too. Other than that, it’s a blank slate. Tons of natural light, walnut colored wood floors, white trim around the large windows.
I was leaning toward putting a color on the walls but now I’m thinking maybe we keep the walls some kind of light neutral. If we did that I’d have color everywhere else – a rug, curtains, even thinking of some of those fund polkadot decals from Etsy to accent a wall or two. Any suggestions for a good neutral wall color? Also open to an actual color still. The blues I picked out and put up as samples were definitely not it. Really good at knowing what I don’t like and less so at picking out what I like. TIA!
The Original ...
How about starting with white or cream (whatever you prefer) and thinking of it with a tinge of color; something you could play up with decor if you wanted or that would not clash with future decor if she outgrew it. For example, a very light blue could look bluer in a room with blue items or it could look more white if the colors countered the blue. This prevents you from repainting with every whim. If you go into the shades just a bit more than white or cream, the lightest on the paint swatches could give you a way to narrow it down. Heck, if you want to stick with the green theme, there may be a very light shade of what you have!
Anon
Look at the blog Chris Loves Julia, they did some sophisticated kids rooms
Anon
i would do white/cream. she might change her mind a million times about the color, and i’m sure will outgrow that bedspread at some point. much easier to replace the bedspread than paint the walls.
Anonymous
F&B Cornforth White would look lovely with those shades.
Curious
This is more an anti- recommendation but might narrow it down for you!
Our nursery is BM Navajo White and I love it — but I love it with bold colors and yellows and less with “baby girl pink”. I might avoid yellowy creams for this reason if your little likes pinks.
Anonia
I vote for color! Neutrals are great, but often boring for kids. Re-painting in a few years isn’t that much work, and I have great memories of being allowed to help pick out my room colors and being allowed to change my mind after 4ish years or so. Plus it’s likely that in a few years the walls will need to be touched up anyway. You could always do a light lavender or turquoise that would be more ‘grown up’ than pink.
anon
Agreed. We just painted my daughter’s room SW Breaktime, which looks awesome with lots of different colors. It is bright, happy, and very HER, unlike the previous creamy walls.
Anon
+1 I think a purple color on the walls would be cute.
Anon.
I have a similar memory of getting to pick the color of my room and being so excited for Purple! on the walls. And then being so disappointed because my mom got essentially white with just a hint of purple. To my childish eye it was not purple at all and I still remember the disappointment 30+ years later. The only way you could tell it was purple was when looking at the contrast between the walls and the white ceiling. As an adult, I now understand her hesitancy, but if you are ostensibly letting the child choose – don’t do it this way.
Anon
My daughter’s bedroom has been repainted many times but my favorite was a purple leaning blue I had made at the paint counter to match the blossoms on a rosemary plant.
I also like the palest creamy pink – a color that can almost pass for a neutral but leans slightly peach to pink. It can be lovely.
Anonymous
Any specific driving glove recommendations (links, certain features)? I’ll be commuting by car again soon. The drive will be longer than any commute I’ve had before and I’ll be driving into the sun both directions. Thanks!
Shelle
I’ve been thinking about getting a Coolibar UPF scarf for driving. Now you have me thinking about my hands too. They sell gloves that have some reviews on their website: Sawyer UV Sun Gloves. I’ll report back if I pull the trigger on them.
Anon B
I’ve been using Coolibar UPF 50+ Men’s Women’s Gannett UV Gloves off of Amazon for all manner of sports for a summer and a half now. They work well in spite of my having small lady hands.
Anon
Eclipse Sun Sleeves https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KJN0LN4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_RAMXGPQF5N17E3RTV6NY?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I wear these in the summer and regular driving gloves from Isotoner on colder winter days.
Anon
I love this! For those seeking a shopping help post (or a reason to procrastinate from something you are not wanting to do), how many other items can you find that count as tie dye but would be work appropriate? (I wonder if this may be easier to find in the trends lately than ever before or if this will still be a tricky search.) Happy searching!
Anonymous
You might look for shibori – this looks like more of an imitation of that than regular tie dye. Shibori is basically a tie dye method, but it often is done with indigo dye and repeated patterns rather than more random designs.
pugsnbourbon
Not exactly tie-dye, but I think this top from Madewell would look nice tucked into a skirt or pants: https://www.madewell.com/dip-dye-lakeline-popover-shirt-in-stripe-NA317.html?color=WY8262
Anon
Batik or batik inspired.
Anon
I was planning to take Monday off for the holiday, but my British expat colleague just scheduled two back-to-back meetings. Is it inappropriate to toss his boxed tea in the sink?
Anonymous
Why not just say “actually I’m taking Monday off for the holiday”
Anonymous
Why is this an issue? “Joe, Monday is a federal holiday – it calls on the 5th this year. Let’s meet Tuesday.”
Cb
One year, I thought it would be clever to dump my British husband’s tea down the sink and chant “no taxation without representation!”
Anon
Just tell him it’s a holiday in the US. He probably doesn’t know.
Cat
Same. My advice here is to block your calendar for all US holidays proactively – willing to bet the Brits aren’t keeping track of when our Independence Day is recognized just like you might not always have bank holidays top of mind.
Anon
He’s an expat. That means he’s here.
Cat
Oh. Is your company not closed on Monday? Most places are observing the holiday Monday… if your office isn’t closed, and you’re taking the day off, why didn’t you block your calendar for PTO?
Anon
When holidays fall on a weekend, my company does not do observed holidays and takes a “you can take off only if there’s nothing pressing” mentality. So I can’t take off if someone schedules me.
Cat
Oh.
1. That’s a cr-ppy policy.
2. What’s wrong with saying “I was planning to take Monday off for the holiday, can this wait for Tuesday?”
Anon
Not every meeting is pressing though, right? If it’s an emergency surely you could meet today or tomorrow instead.
NY CPA
+1 “Sorry I’ll be out of the office Monday for US independence day bank holiday”. Brits will back right off if you say the words “bank holiday” haha
Cb
True. We don’t close for bank holidays at my university and it is a source of such horror among friends who work in normal environments.
Anon
+1. Brits will totally back off if you use the words “bank holiday” or “annual leave”.
anon
“he probably doesn’t know”. I found this so funny, has historical memory in the UK disappeared.
Ribena
He would probably know if he thought about it, but when he’s just scrolling through Outlook looking for an open spot for a meeting, it wouldn’t register – especially because Monday is the 5th not the 4th.
Anonymous
Why? the tea thing is just one blip. There’s a MASSIVE amount of potential colonial holidays.
Anonymous
You know what? I bet he forgot the Fourth, saw open space on his calendar and went for it. Just say ‘Independence Day bank holiday’ and he’ll get it. (Conversely: the UK has all these bank holiday long weekends for no other reason than ‘first Monday in May’ or ‘summer bank holiday’!)
Anon
Why wouldn’t you decline and suggest a new time? You’re not obligated to accept every meeting.
anon
+1
Anon
OMG you guys, it’s a joke. Take the sticks out of your behinds.
Cat
I got the joke, but it seemed like the OP also had a real problem (wanted to take the day off but now thinks she can’t)? Unless I’m confusing all the Anons in the comments…
Anonymous
Ha! I’d be tempted to jokingly threaten the tea. That cracked me up!
Anonymous
The problem with that (I endorse the jokey idea!) is that NOBODY apart from a few US nationals care bout or even remember the tea!
It’s a non-starter.
Just say, sorry it’s a national holiday.
Anonymous
+1
The tea is really, really not a thing, internationally. Even in terms of Sarah P and T party. Nobody outside of the US thinks about the tea!
Anon
I, for one, understand your joke and think it’s very funny.
Anonymous
I worked for Lloyd’s insurers and foreign insureds and worked every 4th of July for years. Without fail, there was an emergency on that day and no one else involved cared at all that it was a US holiday. I made a lot of jokes about it but lost out every year.
Anonymous
I’d replace all his tea with coffee ;)
Anonymous
I’ve had LL Bean backpacks since I was a kid. After 13 years of excellent service, my giant one broke a zipper. I’m done with school and use it for day hikes and sometimes travel. Should I switch to looking at “daypacks” in the hiking section of stores and websites? Or is there not really a difference? It is helpful to have a bigger bag when I hike with my dog because it holds his water and snacks as well as my stuff.
Cat
Before you buy new, you might try LL Bean customer service – although I think they did away with the “unlimited” return policy, they might be able to help with a free or inexpensive repair.
Anonymous
I asked but the way this pocket is, it will lose some functionality, so the cure is worse than the disease. They have been super-awesome about fixing things before. I know that Oatagonia is what the cool kids by me have now but I feel like Bean has been with my family my whole life.
Anon
How does fixing or replacing a zipper cause the pocket to lose functionality?
Anonymous
My hiking daypack has a frame that holds it away from my back for air circulation, which keeps me a lot cooler. It has a smaller capacity than a similarly sized school backpack. Real hiking day packs also tend to be set up for hydration systems and not to have exterior water bottle pockets. I find this annoying, as hydration systems gross me out and I end up using water bottles.
Anon
Just get the zipper repaired/replaced. Any cobbler shop can do it. I still use my Bean backpack from the late 80s.
Anonymous
Do you have one with the waterproof lining on nylon? The lining is finally breaking down on my items and leaving smudge dust on things :(
Outsides are still ok. Not sure what to do re this.
Anon
Oh, the waterproof lining has long since returned to earth. Smudge dust is probably the least worst thing that could get on stuff, given the various things that have broken, leaked or otherwise misbehaved over the years. I’m no neatnik.
Curious
It depends what you’re looking for. I have a lovely black-with-rose-gold North Face small backpack with a nice laptop pocket etc. that I use for my casual tech office. I also have an old Osprey day pack that I use for hiking and travel, and I steal my partner’s lightweight daypack with its mesh frame and hip belt whenever he’s not on the hike. Each of my bags was around $100; my partner’s was more like $125. I have found it’s been nice to have the more specialized bags, but YMMV.
Anon
I feel like you just said why LL Bean is so awesome but then asked which brand you should buy. LLBean of course!
Anonymous
Assuming retirement accounts, college funds and emergency savings are well funded, how do you think about and use additional savings?
I currently have low six figures stored in an after tax vanguard investment account and plan to continue to add to it, albeit at a slower rate going forward due to a second child starting daycare and an increased mortgage payment after buying a new house. I don’t have any big projects or goals for the money, and I’m struggling with how to think about it, including when it’s ok to dip into it, if ever. My inclination is to just save, save, save and never touch the money once it’s put away. But now I’m questioning why I’m saving these extra amounts. As I’m looking at our budget to adjust for our increased daycare and mortgage costs, I’m debating whether I should be prioritizing putting more into savings by cutting back spending in other categories such as eating out/delivery (which we probably do way too much of), or putting less money into savings at least for the next few years while childcare costs are high. I’m also struggling to understand the types of expenses where I should feel ok using the money.
How do you think about similar pots of money? Do you have specific goals or do you think of it as an additional emergency fund or retirement account? Do you ever use the money in similar accounts and if so, what for?
Anon
we think of it as additional emergency fund/retirement accounts, but i am not sure that is right. maybe it is for home repairs/improvement projects, vacations, summer camp/tutors for kids, emergency medical expenses that go beyond an emergency fund, piece of mind etc. i posted on the mom’s board the other day that we are in the process of buying a house, and due to some inheritance we have a decent amount of cash/investment money and DH wants at least 500k left between our investment/cash after purchasing the house (this amount includes our emergency fund)- we currently have 1.2. once we buy a house, after covering expenses/taxes, funding retirement accounts, 529s, etc. we won’t have that much left over each year to replenish the account and DH wants to ‘build wealth.’ I will say seeing my parents go through some serious medical stuff and having to spend a lot of money on things not covered by insurance (like flying to a clinical trial), having that extra money is nice to have in your back pocket
Anonymous
And as the entire mom’s board very nicely told you, this is an anxiety based decision that is keeping you from buying your sensible dream home you can easily afford.
Anon
yes, i know and i appreciated everyone’s kind comments! i’m working on DH. Though I do understand his concerns about paying for the carrying costs on the house given our incomes, without having much wiggle room.
Anonymous
If you use your savings to reduce the size of your mortgage, the carrying costs will be lower.
Anonymous
Owning a house is “building wealth.”
Anonymous
Generally, I think of it as a “retire earlier” account.
Anonymous
This.
Anon
This will be the easiest money for you to access for living expenses if you decide to retire before 59.5, so perhaps look at it the same as any other retirement accounts if you don’t have any other pressing use for it. If you have everything you need and want, there’s no need to spend money just for the sake of spending, so you’re right to save it.
Anon for this
I’m taking your question to mean an index fund of some sort and I treat ours as additional retirement saving. I don’t plan to touch it until we’re closer to retirement and don’t treat it like savings/emergency fund. Isn’t the goal to leave the money in there to grow from compounding interest as the stock market hopefully continues to grow? We have various ally accounts for emergency fund, vacation savings and house repair funds, which have basically no interest and are more for near-term.
I think it makes sense to lower the amount you contribute to this during the double daycare years – those are expensive years (our monthly daycare cost is more than our mortgage + other housing expenses at the moment).
Anon
I have a cap on the amount I keep in a HYSA online. (It’s one big pot, but I have mental dividers for different needs. Home repair, car fund, etc.) Anything above that, I transfer to index funds. I don’t like my money doing nothing.
I also keep some cash in a safe, just in case.
Anonymous
We have ~300k in a pot like that, and we add or subtract to it as feasible. We fully fund our retirement accounts and are on track to be able to retire late 50s/early 60s, so this money will either be there when we want to retire, or we’ll need to keep working a bit longer. Our plan is not to fully fund 529s but rather to bankroll part of college, so if we get to the college years and don’t want to / can’t be working enough to bankroll college how we planned, we’d dip into our non retirement “cash” (brokerage) savings. A few years back we did a 250k renovation that came out of that fund; it’s slowly built back up.
Curious
We know that we will want more than what is in our retirement accounts to fund retirement (we used the Personal Capital calculator), so a large majority of what we have in index funds is earmarked for that. We also build up cash savings periodically in advance of big purchases (down payment, car). We are privileged to work in tech and will be able to float daycare, but we are considering using an FSA for that.
Walnut
It only takes a month or two of daycare in Seattle to use up the entire FSA account. Whee for three kids in HCOL daycare! (Someday I’ll have money again…right?)
Curious
I know…
Curious
Someday.
Anon
“I’m debating whether I should be prioritizing putting more into savings by cutting back spending in other categories such as eating out/delivery (which we probably do way too much of),”
Cut down on delivery and eating out for its own sake. It’s an expensive way to spend your money and, as what is entertainment money, it should be bringing you entertainment levels of joy.
Anon
I don’t have a grand plan for our similar type of account. We have put funds in it monthly for years, and have only accessed funds from it once when we were remodeling. We just have not needed the money for anything yet, so it sits there (and grows). I would not hesitate to use it for a need (medical emergency, college) and would consider using it for a significant want, but that would be a very deliberate decision/ conversation.
BeenThatGuy
I’m the same way. It’s nice to know it’s there for emergencies whether that’s home, health or family related etc. I currently have a young teenager and I think one day I’d love to be able to help him pay for a wedding, or start a business, or with a down-payment on a home on day (college fund is accounted for separately).
Anon
Keep saving it. I lost my job at age 55 and will probably never find another corporate job. I started my own contracting thing instead and I have been really, really glad to have substantial savings that are not retirement savings.
Friday
We have specific goals for our money but those are more like “maybe someday” dreams. For example last year we bought property: that had been DH’s dream/goal for over a decade. Then we have a rough schedule of home maintenance tasks: this year we must replace two AC units, ductwork and hopefully a fence if lumber prices stabilize (lol keep dreaming right). We mostly use our extra savings for those items and to pay down mortgage debt.
Anon
We have retirement, emergency, college funds and that’s it. We don’t have “extra,” extra goes into retirement. Because even if we don’t need it now, we sure as heck will need it later.
Anon
I got the impression OP was only counting her pre-tax 401k/IRA type investments as retirement. I agree though, it’s all retirement.
The Original ...
Late 30s, no kids, never married, some externally fun but internally nightmarish ex’s over the past 15 years.
About a month ago, I matched with a guy on bumbl3 and we started messaging. He has a regular job and seems like a regular person (my last 2 relationships were not either of those). Last week, we traded numbers and started texting much more frequently. He’s been saying good morning to me via text every day since. On Sunday, out of the blue, he texted that, if we get along as well in real life, this could really be something. I said something in conversation on Monday and he brought it up again. I said that, if that happens, this could be an everything kind of thing. He said he hopes so. We had a miscommunication on Tuesday and I thought he was blowing me off. Figured since it was done, I’d practice not being a doormat. He apologized, explained, then made a plan to fix the error, and followed through. Last night, we had our first call. He had told me he dislikes the phone (we are long distance for about a month longer). Our call was about 90 mins. It was easy. He didn’t get weird about my weirdness or weird about my work or my schedule. I went to sleep feeling not anxious about this (not common for me). I think I think he’ll text when he awakens, I think I’d be surprised and confused if he didn’t, but I don’t feel panicked about either outcome.
Maybe this is nothing but this feels calm. I don’t know if this means something about this person or if it means that, in the 4+ years since my last relationship, maybe I’ve done some growing. He11 maybe I’m just rambling here, but I’ve been here since about the beginning and some of y’all have been on the roller coaster with me of weird or bad or terrible or offering to help me get out levels of relationships so I thought I’d share a calm thing for a change.
Cb
That sounds so, so lovely, like you are both emotionally mature enough to use your words and ask for what you need.
Anonymous
That sounds promising. I think you should try to meet asap. I mean, he doesn’t like the phone? Does that mean he doesn’t want his wife to hear the conversation? You don’t know anything until you meet.
Anonymous
Right — at this point, you don’t know what you don’t know. But if you don’t meet, you will never begin to know.
Cora
Okay that’s dramatic. The only people I willingly speak with on the phone with are my mother and my sister. I just don’t like talking on the phone in general – I suck it up for work.
But if you’re really nervous about this you could do a video call.
The Original ...
We aren’t in the same city for a month due to me being away for work and him just moving to my city. I asked for a phone call before a video call so I could see if it was worth figuring out lighting and whatnot haha Also, he sent me a request on social media which shows a decade of history plus conversations with his dad, so it seems legitimate and photos match the app. I also didn’t deep sta1k but did look for obvious problematic things and didn’t find anything.
As soon as we are in the same city, yes, a meetup as quickly as possible. Until then, if I DO hear from him, I’ll bring up a video call and go from there.
Anon
Most millennials don’t talk on the phone so it seems completely normal? The only person I talk to on the phone is my mom. I don’t even talk to my bff, we text.
Anonymous
That question mark at the end of your first declarative sentence confirms you Millenial cred.
Anonymous
I love this for you and also with so much love, if I’m reading correctly you have never actually met this man!!!!!!!!! Please do not get overly involved or invested in this. It’s not real if you’ve never met. Maybe it will become something but it is not yet.
Anon
+1
Anon
I’d caution you to not invent a relationship before you meet in person. Comments like “this could really be something” are meant to be flirty, they aren’t evidence of a relationship. Don’t invent drama, this isn’t the time to “use your words” about perceived slights. You haven’t actually met each other!!! You’re not a couple!!! This is the time to look for red flags and decide if you want to meet in person. Do that sooner rather than later. I’d be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every guy I texted who was normal on paper and I didn’t click with in real life.
Anonymous
I agree with this. The guy definitely sounds worth meeting in person, but you simply don’t know anymore than that yet. I get being excited but make sure you be careful too.
Anon
So much this. You’ve not met, neither of you has any idea what this could/may be. You are also risking setting up all kinds of expectations based on what ‘may be’. This kind of talk would be a huge red flag to me. I don’t view it as maturity, actually the opposite. You are both imagining this idyllic relationship when you don’t know each other.
Anonymous
Not a comment on you and him but why do some guys now think that texting = relationship especially with someone you have never met? I think it lulls us into forgetting that interested men pursue (as in something substantially beyond texting).
Anon
Corollary to your comment, it’s important to remember that texting is low-effort for people. Much easier to text than to make a plan, get ready, go out, and meet up with someone. I’m excited for the OP and hope this works out – I definitely don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade – but at the same time, as others have said, this isn’t real until there’s an in-person meeting. Lots of people (male and female) love “play”/imaginary relationships conducted over text, on their own time, and are not so good at the in-person, in-someone’s-life, real-time type of relationship that goes the distance. Great texting and convos on the phone are a great start but they are just a start; time to see where it goes from here by meeting up in person.
Anon
I hope this works out for you! As others said, meet in person – the good rule for any relationship.
Senior Attorney
Yay for the calm thing!!
Anon
I’m excited for you! However, echoing others, be careful that it isn’t real until it’s real in person. Even then, it’s still getting to know one another. I matched with a great guy, we had great convos, and 3 great dates. He then ghosted me. Proceed with caution. Hoping for the best for you!
Anon
This sounds so promising and I am hopeful for you! Is there any way you could make a trip back home on a weekend for a date night with him? One month is a long time to be away from home anyway so maybe there are errands you could fit in to help justify the expense (not sure how far away you are)? I would also caution as others have to temper your expectations until you meet him. You won’t really know if there is real chemistry and if he is a real prospect until then. Good luck!!
Anonymous
I like this shirt!
Could they please style with skinny jeans? I have a closet of flattering pants that fit my hippy shape and none of them are the lighter wash mom jeans that are pictured.
This is a real ask. Now that rises are higher, shirts are shorter even if not cropped and sometimes that is a problem — stuff either needs to be tucked in but can’t be or isn’t finished at the bottom to be look good if visible.
Cat
If you click through, they show it untucked, and also provide the length at 26″ – so while I agree with your general comment, I think AT has you covered here.
Anonymous
I continue to be baffled by how pressed y’all are about jeans. It’s not that hard.
Anonymous
Yeah, same. Jeans shopping sucks, it really does, but it’s not THIS hard. I also really don’t get why so many commenters feel mandated to follow trends, even when they report not liking the trend or not finding it flattering.
Anonymous Grouch
I agree! So many people not at peace with themselves (or anything else in their lives), worrying that “my body/lifestyle/personal style doesn’t work with current trends, but I don’t want to look older than 19 so what do I choooooose!”. As a less anxious person, I figure if a mainstream store is selling something, it can’t be that far outside of fashionable norms. So yes, I’ll keep buying skinny jeans from Old Navy until they stop making them.
Monday
I agree too.
I wonder if it’s really about millennials realizing that our intuition and normal frames of reference are no longer going to point us more or less toward things that look current. Maybe it’s just jarring and people are newly self-conscious (see also the side part). “Do I look irrelevant now?” It’s a mental adjustment to realize that in pop culture we are no longer young! I’m 39 and feel ready for it, but some don’t.
Anonymous Grouch
I dunno. As a GenXr I found that as I started to feel that I was out of the first blush of youth I also suddenly had so much personal confidence that I didn’t give a hoot what teenagers thought of my clothes. As for young, trendy people at the office, they seem to come to me for sage advice on work and life despite my Talbots heavy wardrobe, so I guess despite my age I’m not irrelevant.
Anonymous
I think it’s 100% this and I’m also 39. I wouldn’t have wanted to wear what a 39 year old had been wearing for 10 years (skinny jeans) when I was 23. I LOVE that I don’t really get fashion instinctively these days, it’s so interesting that tastes evolve and things change. That’s 100% the fun of fashion.
Also, I can remember people on this very board freaking out about how skinny jeans would never work on them because they needed at LEAST a bootcut to balance/ flatter their figure. And yet…here we are. I predict you’ll all want your generously cut high-rise pants pried from your cold dead hands in ten years ;)
Monday
Grouch, I’m in the same place. I’m just saying some folks hitting 40-ish and up are not so comfortable with it, and I think it’s being channeled through discussions of jeans styles! Also I said it’s a fear of LOOKing irrelevant, not being irrelevant.
I agree with 1:23 that watching styles change, even when I don’t get it at all, is fun.
Anonymous
I agree with this. That’s not the way I want to live. One of the smartest professors I ever met in grad school work Birkenstocks and Yosemite National Park t-shirts daily. One of my relatives who was like a second mother to me had a uniform of hiking shorts and loose t-shirts for every occasion (and she hiked every single day). Did they look like models? No. But they didn’t have to. They were so true to themselves, so authentic, and so amazing.
Anon
“So yes, I’ll keep buying skinny jeans from Old Navy until they stop making them.”
All of this. When I can’t find them any more at Old Navy, I’ll really know the moment has passed, and very honestly, I don’t know if that day will ever come. Fashion is so fragmented now; there just aren’t trends around that I see on absolutely everybody. Bodies and tastes and cultural norms are so divergent that I don’t know how retailers even figure out what to stock. I’m not doing mom jeans and crop tops and I’m not fussed about it. I also don’t expect retailers who are catering to customers half my age to completely ignore trends and show what I want them to show. I have aged out of certain retailers and I’m fine with it; there’s always someone who’s got something that works for me.
Jeffiner
I thought the ask had nothing to do with finding jeans, but knowing how long the top was. It looks like it has a fairly long shirttail hem that comes up quite high on the sides. Is the top going to look awkward when she wears her lower-rise jeans?
Anon
Well skinny jeans are out of style so that’s not a realistic ask of a retailer who’s selling current clothes.
LaurenB
Yes, but normal women aren’t slaves to that and choose whatever Jean style flatters them the most.
Anonymous
Yup. And “normal”
Women are perfectly capable of just figuring out shirts without having special needs about it.
Anon
No sh*t, but it’s still not a reasonable thing to expect a retailer to advertise with outdated clothing.
Cat
No sh*t, but it’s still not a reasonable thing to expect a retailer to advertise with outdated clothing.
Anon
When has the fashion industry ever done something for the convenience of the old and/or untrendy? This is such an out of touch complaint, I can’t even believe it.
Anonymous
AT is still selling skinnies. They all are.
Anonymous
Even much fancier brands than AT are still selling skinnies. Mother has a ton of them.
Anon
At this point skinny jeans are considered a staple. We will see if that changes in years to come but for now they’re not out of style, they’re just not the hottest trend, because retailers need to sell something new.
Anon
Stylish can occur in many contexts. For some people, keeping up with fads is stylish. For others of us, having a style has to do with classic pieces with perhaps a nod at most to what this year’s fad is, and the overall look is suited to our personality, likes, means, and the practical needs of our actual lives.
tdlr: don’t give a damn about mom jeans or anything else that looks heinous on my body or that I just plain don’t like, and yet, I have a style.
Nudibranch
In case anyone cares, there’s a skirt in the same fabric: https://www.anntaylor.com/tie-dye-gathered-tiered-midi-skirt/569593?skuId=31629362&defaultColor=3535&prodId=569593&selectedColor=3535
Anon
A hiring manager e-mailed me about my application, saying she was available for a quick intro phone call during two time blocks yesterday and one time block today. I e-mailed back specifying one of yesterday’s time blocks, thanked her, and got no reply. Waited by the phone, that time block came and went. Wrote her again just before 5:00, said I was still interested and could make myself available during today’s time block, reiterated my phone number on my resume as being correct. Heard nothing again. Today’s time block came and went.
Was I supposed to track down this woman’s phone number and initiate the call myself, despite never hearing from her again? Job searching has me second-guessing the simplest things. Why is everything so dysfunctional?
Anonymous
Nope. This is on her.
Anonymous
As the hiring manager, I am always the one to dial the applicant. I have never heard of the applicant’s being expected to dial the interviewer. I have heard of flaky recruiters and hiring managers who do not follow up on responses to their own invitations, though.
Anon
I doubt seriously she expected you to call her if she didn’t provide a number or confirm the call time. Job searching is a lot like dating, and in this case, it’s possible she just wasn’t that into you. Maybe she talked to someone before she talked to you that she liked better; maybe she contacted you to check a box before they went with an internal candidate. It’s possible she also just got really busy and couldn’t respond, but generally when someone is a top-tier candidate, hiring managers will make the time. Best approach is to treat it like dating and look at it as, if she contacts you again and you can have a conversation, great. If not – thank u, next.
Cat
This is 100% on her, and probably some valuable insight into how she would behave as your manager should you get the job… so maybe for the best, lol
Anon
Agree this is on her. Don’t assume dysfunction though. An emergency or something may have come up. If she still wants to chat with you, she’ll contact you again.
Anon
I would assume dysfunction–candidate experience is a very important part of recruiting, and a complete non-response is a really bad look. And I say this as someone who has worked at hypergrowth startups hiring hundreds of people per year over the past two years.
Anon
This is on her and I’d say she seriously messed up.
Anon
It usually happens at least once every time I search for a job – someone will reach out to me, say they want to talk to me about a role, but sometime before we can confirm a call, they ghost. It’s incredibly frustrating, and but usually has nothing to do with you.
The obvious explanations are that the role was filled, or put on hold, or they’re re-thinking the requirements/level/location/etc. for the job and either you’re no longer a fit or they don’t know want to talk to anyone until they figure it out. It could also be that something came up on her end: a sudden illness, a family emergency, a natural disaster, something that made it so she couldn’t call and couldn’t contact you to reschedule. OR she suddenly quit or was let go, and whoever took over for the role doesn’t know you were being considered.
A lot of crazy stuff could be happening, but I would just email to say “Hey, I hope all is well on your end; I’m still interested in this role, please let me know if you’d like to reschedule our call.” And then, and this is the hard part, you gotta try to move on with the job search – if she reschedules, great! If not, figure something funky happened and the timing just wasn’t right with that employer.
AIMS
I have a friend who is having a birthday next week and is stuck in the middle of nowhere for a residency. Any ideas of something consumable I can send her that would be fun and festive? Budget around $75-100. My default is Milk Bar but trying to branch out.
Thanks!
Anon
well Milk Bar is always fun, but Levain Cookies. You can also ship Ice Cream. I once set a friend a ton of Jeni’s and a different friend a bunch of Ben & Jerry’s and they loved it
Anon
Yes to Jeni’s! They have some cute collections you can send.
anan
yes ice cream! it’s always so novel and indulgent. I sent my husband Graeter’s one year for his birthday, and it was a huge hit.
anne-on
I LOVE the Jacques Torres gift boxes and have sent those on a number of occasions. I’ve also used the company ‘small packages’ which was recommended by the ‘Gee Thanks Just Bought It’ people to good reviews!
family
A Gino’s frozen pizza and beer.
Cora
I’m looking for a half cami to wear under shirts or dresses for the office. I’m 32DDD, so there’s a risk of that even with rather conservatively cut tops. There are plenty at Gap, Amazon, Target etc . . .but are there any particular ones you would recommend particularly for a larger bra size. Also, the camis themselves need to actually be high enough!
No Face
It in32F/34G reporting for duty. I use a Bella band as a half cami tube top. Stays put. No straps. Not on my stomach. Doesn’t feel like an extra layer.
Anom
Second Base half camis. I’ve ordered directly from the company or on Amazon. I contacted the company by email to confirm sizing based on my bra size (30E) and they were responsive and the choice turned out to be accurate. I use the half camis for wrap dresses.
Anonymous
I am getting headaches every day in the afternoon, around 2-3 p.m. I don’t drink caffeine. I have been tracking water/food intake (my diet isn’t perfect, but I haven’t changed anything in the last month or so), and I can’t find anything glaringly obvious. My sleep habits are about the same – 6-8 hours/night. My GP can’t get me in until the end of July. Anyone experience this and find a way to kick it, or tips to avoid?
Anon
Try a banana or coconut water.
Curious
This happens to me if my office is mildly too hot — could it be airflow or temperature?
PolyD
Or glare from the sun.
Anon
Are you working on a computer every day? Do you get them on days you’re not working? Check your posture, ergonomics, lighting, etc. Make sure there’s no glare on your screen, everything is big enough not to cause eye strain, consider turning down screen brightness. Also make sure your pillows aren’t causing neck strain, though that’s more likely to cause morning headaches.
Anon
Yep, I was going to suggest something pedestrian like needing readers or bad-for-you lighting.
Anonymous
Have you been taking ibuprofen everyday for the headache? Could you be rebounding?
Anon
Are you eating protein at lunch? If I don’t eat protein, I feel tired, even if my calorie intake is sufficient.
Anon
What kind of headache? Where are they located, what type of pain (ache, throb, etc.)? My response will change based on that.
OP
Ache; back of my head and temples. Sometimes blurred vision, usually I’ll notice when it starts throbbing and I realize I’ve tensed my temples. I’ve had migraines in the past but it’s not….like that, if that makes sense. Annoying, painful, but not “need to crawl under my desk and sleep or else I’ll throw up” kind of headache.
Anon
My first guess would be a vision issue (not even counting the blurred vision, just the pain locations). I’d consider an eye appointment. A quicker fix could include a glare filter on your monitor, OTC blue-light reading glasses, and a LOT of extra drinking water.
My second guess is an ergonomics problem. I get head and neck pain from a gerry-rigged laptop space in my bedroom.
Carla
This was happening to me – I was hungry. I tried increasing water, different caffeine things, I was sleeping enough. The problem was that I either needed to eat a larger lunch or eat “second lunch” at about 3pm. And making sure that both breakfast and lunch had enough protein and fat in them for me to feel and stay full.
Anon
How’s the weather been? I get bad headaches when a storm is trying to break through. You know when it is dark and looks like it is going to rain but hasn’t started raining yet? I usually feel some relief as soon as the rain starts. If I’ve already taken meds, it’s easy to think it was just the meds working.
Anonymous
Get your eyes checked?
Anon
I used to get this. The thing that fixed it was Botox.
Anon
Get your eyes checked.
Anonymous
Long shot – how many of you shop secondhand/thrift stores in person? I am volunteering for a nonprofit and it’s main fundraiser is a secondhand women’s store (new/gently used clothes and shoes). Our sales are way down the last few months and we are trying to think of new ways to market, get people in, etc. We used to have a lot of regular shoppers pre-COVID but now we don’t get much foot traffic. Any suggestions or tips appreciated!
NYC
Plug the environmental angle? Thredup is getting a lot of momentum that way
Cat
I do, occasionally, but haven’t browsed since The Reopening. I’m so in the habit of doing everything online!
Does your shop have a fb page where you could promote some of the items for sale? Set up a Poshmark?
Anon
This. During the pandemic, our local thrift shop charity would post trendy items on FB and you could “claim” it and then go pick it up / pay. I rarely get in there in person, even pre-pandemic but I bought a bunch of stuff because it was on FB and easy enough to swing by and grab.
Anon
My favorite charity thrift store has sales on Thursdays. Today was $2 bottoms.
Curious
Where are you located? I’ll come!! (Slight exaggeration, but I can’t wait to get back to thrift shopping).
Anon
A good friend of mine runs a successful vintage/thrift store. A lot of her sales and foot traffic come from Instagram. That seems to be how the kids are doing it these days. ;) Could you highlight some of your nicer or more unique items on social media?
busybee
I do, sometimes. The one I like is about a 25 minute drive from my home though, and I don’t always want to take that drive on the off chance there might be something I need. I generally only go shopping when I need something in particular- I’m not a browser. I think social media posts would help. It would be nice if there could be posts about general availability like “loads of short sleeved women’s shirts size XS!” Maybe also let people know that they can always call the store to ask if certain things are in stock. I used to volunteer for a thrift shop and we would set up a table at local town events. Even if people didn’t buy things it was good for visibility
Anon
Do you advertise? Even a few posts on your local community facebook groups and FB marketplace would go a long way.
Anon
A lot of people on Posh source at thrift stores, but profits on that platform are way down since their IPO. I wouldn’t doubt you’re seeing less traffic because sellers are frustrated with that. If you want to cultivate that market (and I get it if you don’t, some people feel that way) you could market how well-organized and carefully-labeled your inventory is.
Or, you could post directly to used markets yourself: Poshmark, Mercari, DePop, ThredUp, etc. Insta is good as well.
Anonymous
Never! But if a local one started a good Instagram highlighting one cute piece a day, including a variety of sizes, id check it out!
Senior Attorney
Same!
Anon
I buy a fair amount of gently used clothing online but never at a thrift store, always online. I’m not the kind of shopper who enjoys trying to find a needle in a haystack, so I’m glad others are and make it easier for me to buy from them on eBay or posh.
Anon
My local charity shop has been doing Instagram and Facebook live sales to show off their new merchandise. You can comment which things you want to see and which things you want to buy. You can also have personal shoppers via FaceTime. You can request someone show you only black size medium tops. I think this is very fun. They have a lot of success with purses especially.
Anonymous
Make sure everyone knows you’re open. Is there anyone there with a passion for clothes/outfits? I bet a series of social media videos on how to thrift or how a stylish person would create an outfit from things you currently have would be a hit.
Allie
Tiktok? Lots of thift content there.
Anonymous
I exclusively thrift. My advice would be set hours and make them known, especially during the pandemic stores have been changing hours and not announcing it which has been frustrating. Set up an Instagram account and post daily. If you have any local thrift/style/environmental influencers partnering with them would be fun. My local thrift store does curated boxes and window in displays from local influencers.
Anon 2.0
I am a big thrift store and secondhand shopper and for me it all boils down to the stores prices. Good prices that create a lot of inventory turnover. I am in the Midwest for reference. If its a regular plain thrift store where I must paw thru the duds to find a gem, I expect lower prices. $3-$5 for a shirt, $7-$8 for a dress, $3-$6 for pants, etc. If it is more of a curated, boutique style thrift obviously higher prices are warranted, but in the midwest “high” is relative. I’d expect about $30 max even in a boutique setting.
Also, running regular sales is a big draw.
Kate
Had my first fight with a newish boyfriend last night. We argued about whether we are prioritizing each other and it turned into a whole Thing where if I share a need/want, it turns out he feels I am personally criticizing him. I think we’ll get through it, but I feel hungover and rotten today (didn’t drink a drop last night) and just hoping to make it through the day without too many people noticing my draggy spirit. Hugs to anyone else having a rotten day!
Curious
Blegh. It took my partner a while to realize he wasn’t a bad boyfriend when I expressed needs. We communicate much better now. Best wishes for a good outcome :)
Anon
Oh Lordy, I’d consider whether it’s worth investing in that guy – if he takes your expression of needs as criticism you’re setting yourself up for a long and unpleasant life…. I’d release that catch.
anon
+1 been there, done that, have many t-shirts. This is an EXHAUSTING battle and one I will never ever fight again.
test run
+1 with caveats – my husband can be like this sometimes but he a) recognizes it as a problem and b) is actively working on it (therapy, etc.). I also had some bad communication habits of my own that tended to make it worse, and I’ve worked on those as well (OP, not trying to pin this on you AT ALL and this may 100% be a him thing, but in my case it wasn’t). Now it’s a thing that comes up maybe 1-2x a year and we both know exactly what’s happening and can get through it quickly. If you feel manipulated/gaslit at all and he’s not willing to acknowledge the behavior, I would cut your losses.
BeenThatGuy
This. Maybe OP’s boyfriend has never dated someone who knew how to express themselves. I wouldn’t jump to cut your losses but OP should have her eyes wide open right now.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I was married to that guy and it never got any better. Turning a discussion of your legitimate issues into a referendum on why you’re a nagging critical harpy is not good. At all.
Anon
This is my ex husband. Awfully glad he’s an ex. It was exhausting not being able to ask for anything without it turning into a Thing because when felt attacked. Think twice about how long you want to live like this.
Allie
Were you trying to convince him to care about something he didn’t seem to care about? State your need and explain yourself and then pull back if he can’t/won’t/doesn’t want to do it. Eventually that may be a pull back all the way to a break up but so be it.
Anonymous
We had some new neighbors move in yesterday. Our neighborhood is very spread out and we will never just casually run into them around the neighborhood (homes on 3+ acres that are very set back). Two questions: how long after they move in does it make sense to go over and say hello? I don’t want to wait too long, but also don’t want to bother them while they unpack etc. Second, what should I bring over? It looks like they have young kids (cribs). Wine and…some kind of prepackaged food that’s allergen friendly? Like storebought cookies or cupcakes? A little welcome gift basket? I have kids and a literal closet full of party supplies, so I was thinking maybe some bubbles or play dough in there?
Anonymous
I’d go today and bring cookies and a bottle of wine, and a note with your number and the address of the best local play ground.
Cat
Can you stick a card in their mailbox with your contact info instead of popping by? “Would be glad to meet you once you’re settled in! Text or call and we’d be glad to get together for coffee or drinks while the kids run around” type of thing.
Anon
No, you shouldn’t put the burden of arranging the meeting on them.
Curious
Midwesterner here. I’d stop by the first weekend post arrival with any nominal gift ( bubbles and cookies around awesome). Coming in person is great!
BeenThatGuy
I agree to stopping by the first weekend post arrival. I like to bring a dish garden usually with herbs like basil, dill, mint and rosemary. Plus a card with my name, families names and contact information.
anon
+1 to not the day they move in. My then-new neighbors, who I now adore, came by the evening of the day I moved in and I was gross, braless, and my house was a hot mess. It was awkward. They brought me a cute plant though that I still have!
Anon
Agree with others about giving them a little time to get settled. Some of our new neighbors brought a pie and expected to be invited in to enjoy it with us and we didn’t have dishes or silverware unpacked yet – we had prioritized getting the kids’ rooms together so they could nap. It was kind of a stressful disaster. I still don’t like those neighbors!!
No Problem
I recently moved and a neighbor stopped by one evening about a week after I moved in with flowers (the kind in a plastic pot from the grocery store) and a card with her contact information. It was perfect!
Anon
First weekend with a snack sounds great! Slice and bake cookies or box brownies are totally fine.
Don’t do what our weird neighbor did and forget to tell us her name, not even bother to ask our names, and then proceed to hold forth about the people who used to live in our house for 30 minutes while we were standing there awkwardly holding the storm door open (because we didn’t expect her to stand on our front stoop that long).
Legal Q
What’s the best way to protect a future inheritance after one parent dies? Specifically, how do people go about structuring their estate, etc. so that the surviving parent can’t disinherit the children against the other deceased parent’s wishes? This is something my mom is worried about if she dies first. There are a number of scenarios of how this could play out, including my dad getting remarried, or otherwise letting his emotions get the better of him and disinheriting me at some point. He’s not very emotionally mature even now, and is also susceptible to Alzheimer’s based on family history. In my experience, personality changes start to happen even before a person is legally incapacitated, and he could make a change while he’s still of sound enough mind to not be deemed incapable of making decisions for himself. Any thoughts of how to go about this would be helpful. We will be consulting an attorney too about this specific situation, but I would really appreciate hearing some general feedback in advance as I’m not an attorney and this is out of my depth.
Anonymous
Your attorney will be way more capable of advising on this than we are
Veronica Mars
There’s a great book called “Beyond the Grave” which talks extensively about estate planning and leaving money to children. It also goes into different scenarios of how things can go wrong and how to avoid them.
Anonymous
Create a trust and specify how the trust assets can be used.
Anon
Call a trusts and estates lawyer.
NYCer
Your mother can leave her entire estate estate in a QTIP trust (marital trust) for her husband that pays income to him for life with discretionary distributions of principal. On his death, the balance of the trust passes to you. This qualifies for the marital deduction for estate tax purposes, so there will be no estate tax due upon your mother’s death (assuming she dies first). Your father could serve as a co-trustee of the trust, but he would not be permitted to make principal distributions to himself.
Your T&E lawyer will be very familiar with this.
Anon
This is exactly the correct path, both substantively and regarding getting a trusts and estates attorney.
anon
My mom is worried about this too–specifically, him remarrying and putting assets in a new wife’s name. It’s the kind of thing he would do, even without aging or a personality change. When I was a teenager and young adult, my mom also had a life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary. Now, their money is in a trust, and the trust will pay out $X to me upon her death–I don’t know how much. My dad will have control over most of their assets, though, and if he spends it all or leaves all the money to someone else, I’ll just live with it. My parents have given me enough.
Anonymous
This depends on so many different things, including the property ownership and inheritance laws of your state. You need a lawyer familiar with your particular jurisdiction.
Anon
Definitely take mom to an estate and will lawyer.
Anon
But if you “take” her, be sure you are NOT IN THE ROOM when they are discussing her plan. That can be the basis to attack a will later based on undue influence. If you use someone competent, they will know this but I have seen people get quite offended at being asked to wait outside.
And this is 100% a question for a qualified professional in your jurisdiction because it can be quite complicated.
anon
You need to talk to a trusts and estates lawyer and they can walk you through the options.
Anonymous
My mom has similar fears that her money will be frittered away if she dies first, her solution was to make me the sole beneficiary of her insurance policies as well as the sole heir to her estate. I really hope she doesn’t die first though because my family doesn’t know she’s done this. I was picked to get the money because she knows I can be trusted to follow through with her wishes.
Anon
Was thinking about yesterday’s poster who was 40 and feeling like her life was empty. One of the responses mentioned getting a dog and said something about friends “disappearing into marriages and family” and that hit me so hard. That is what’s happening, but it’s very gradual so I didn’t notice it right away. People are just a lot less available than they used to be. Most of my friends were still around a lot with one kid, but once they had two they all moved further out, bought houses, and their social lives changed to center more around the kids (which is totally fine and right for them—but the impact on me was most noticeable then).
To the OP, you are not alone. I don’t know if it’s just aging, the pandemic, friends in different life stages or what, but this has been a tough time. Hang in there! I echo everyone’s recommendations about taking a class or trying a new activity. It helps me a lot to get out of my own head. Living alone creates a very bad situation where I’ll just go on an endless thought loop about everything from climate change to dying alone and it helps no one. Once I get out of the house I feel so much better.
Anonymous
Friends definitely disappear into motherhood HARD in my experience. I have a weekly FaceTime date with two friends, something they both say they value highly, but one of them had a baby last year and every single call is 90% her cooing to the baby, letting the baby grab the phone, speaking in baby talk, getting something for the baby, etc. (so the image is bouncing up and down and making me motion sick…) even though her husband is right there and a full-time SAHD who could easily take the baby to the other room. I get that this is a season of life and that being a new parent is hard, but it’s also hard for friends to adjust to not being able to get even one half-hour of adult time anymore.
Anonymous
Wow weekly FaceTime is a lot!
Anon
She wants to be with her baby at that time. Maybe that’s her deal with her husband – he SAHDs all day and she takes the baby when she’s home. She doesn’t owe you her undivided attention in any case. You sound kind of childish about that.
If you want more of her time, definitely make the call less often than weekly. I have some standing catch up calls with two different friend groups that are scheduled for every other week, and we realistically only meet once a month – there’s always some reason one of them gets cancelled.
Anonymous
My friend wants to FaceTime on a weekly basis and I’m glad to do so – I just wish we could actually talk more like we used to. I know that it’s really, really hard for parents to understand that their friends can feel sadness about not getting to see their friends as much as they used to once someone has a baby. I’m allowed to feel sadness. I’m allowed to describe it here. You’re allowed to consider it childish, but I consider that not very empathetic.
anon
I get feeling sad about this. Have you raised it to her? Like in a “hey, seems like baby is super active at this time, should we move this to a post bedtime call?” Especially for new moms, so many people only want to see/talk about the baby so it can be hard to remember that sometimes people actually want to connect with just you. I will happily facetime with friends after the baby is asleep but if the baby is awake, that may be some of the only baby time that day she’s getting and may not be willing to give that up. You never know unless you ask!
Anon
Again, she has shown you she wants to be with her baby at this time. You can be petulant about it or you can try a different solution.
Anonymous
There’s no need to be a jerk, Anon. Just don’t bother.
Anon
Hard disagree. She’s in no way childish for wanting a measly thirty of her friend’s time. Your attitude just further contributes to our culture of obsessive helicopter parenting.
(And yes, I’m a parent.)
Quail
My thought? She is excited about her baby and thinks you are, too, and that you want to see how the baby is growing. If you don’t want to see the baby, definitely schedule the call for after bedtime – you don’t even have to put it so explicitly (because she will likely be hurt, even if she maybe shouldn’t be).
And honestly, OP, your friend isn’t disappearing into motherhood. Disappearing would be her not talking to you at all. She is inviting you into her motherhood, which is now a huge part of her life. If you want a friendship on different terms than she’s offering, you should let her know – but be prepared that she may not agree.
Anonymous
Yes this!!!! She’s making time for a weekly FaceTime.
Anonymous
Yeah, you’re definitely right that she’s excited to show off the baby and we’re excited to see him! Just not the ENTIRE time, especially when one of us has a problem to discuss. One time, I felt a bit bad for my other friend who attends the call when she wanted to talk about how she got suddenly laid off and she couldn’t get in a word over baby screeches into the mike.
There’s a lot more context about the “disappearing” bit that I won’t bother to put here (I don’t want this to be one of those posts where I have to offer a lot of explanatory, defensive information), but you’re right that I’m invited into her motherhood experience to a big extent. Weekly calls are still nice, even with the challenges.
Quail
And that said, I have two kids and I would not schedule a catch-up call with friends that I would take while holding a baby. It’s too much work and I don’t enjoy my baby or the call. I schedule all catchups after bedtime. That’s what makes me think she wants you to see the baby.
Nan
+1. I constantly have to remind myself that other people do not find my littles as adorable and fascinating as I do. It really is a biological obsession that can be hard to fight, particularly when the baby is right there.
Quail
Also, OP, having read your response, I totally hear you. It sounds like there is a lot more backstory here. It is rude to be on a call and allow interruptions (even if baby can’t help it) when your other friend clearly needs a lot of support. Babies are not a trump card for attention. It’s hard to tell if your friend is subtly making each call all about her and the baby, or if she’s just not aware of how distracting it is to have the baby on the call and she thinks she’s multitasking just fine.
roxie
this exact comment is why I gracefully disengage fiends who become new parents (we circle back around in a few years) – they’re literally not capable of being good friends during that time. I don’t take it personally, but sounds like you take the criticism personally!
Anonymous
It seems like it’s harder now. My grandparents and parents had very different lifestyles than my friends who are becoming parents have now. They socialized a lot outside the home, maintained a lot of hobbies and activities, and went on overnights without the kids even at young ages.
No Face
Definitely make the Facetime after bedtime. I have zoom sessions with friends in other cities, and I stay up later than normal so I can really talk to them instead of parent in front of the screen.
As a working mom, nights and weekends are the only meaningful time I spend with my kids so giving up an evening to do something else is a big deal. Before the pandemic, days I didn’t get to see my kid (office then evening obligation) made me so sad.
anon
+1 I posted something similar upthread but the small evening window after work when my kids are awake are pretty sacred to me. I’m not going to give up baby time for a facetime but will happily do one after bedtime.
Anonymous
Thanks, No Face. My friend is the one who chooses the time (she’s not an evening person) and she doesn’t want to do it while the baby naps because that’s her me time (which I totally get). I just wish she would hand the baby to his dad, who is literally RIGHT there every time we talk, for that one half-hour – after we’ve said hi to the baby, of course.
No Face
Well that’s too bad. Just a phase in life thing. Babies are wonderful but very demanding bosses. SAHPs are usually exhausted by the evening.
It is still an option to say, “Can we do our next facetime at 8:30? I’m going to work late/exercise/whatever.” She may get a taste of friend conversation without the baby and realize that it is awesome.
Anon
If husband is a SAHD, he’s had the baby all day and probably needs a break at that time.
Personally, it sounds to me like your friend wants to talk to you, but honestly talking on the phone or FaceTiming with a baby around is really really hard. They need things and make noise and grab the phone. They just do. The alternative is probably the baby screaming and crying.
Your feelings are definitely valid and understandable I’d see if you can move the call post-bedtime.
Saudi Expat
Hi! I posted a follow up comment and a burner em*il for the poster who wanted more information about living in Saudi.
Anonymous
Spray tan tips? Do I really walk to my car after braless? Will my undies be ruined? Will it transfer to my snuggly cat overnight? Will it ruin my sheets? How weird is being hosed down naked?
Anon
It’s been years since I’ve had it done, so I can only speak to the underw e a r portion. Yes, go to your car braless. You aren’t n u d e, you either keep on whatever old cotton p a n t i e s you were wearing when you came in or some places will give you paper p a n t i e s.
Anonymous
Thank you!
Pep
Wear a dark pair of underwear. I used to wear a loose dark tee and sweatpants or shorts afterwards
Strapless Bra
Was never sprayed by a person, but occasionally did spray tan via machine in tanning salons like 15 years ago. The color did transfer to clothing, but came right out in the wash.
Strapless Bra
Recs for a good strapless or backless bra? I probably need one of each.
Strapless Bra
Should specify that I’m small chested. 34A. I usually try to get a bra with some padding but I just a bought a new strapless dress that is cut really close on top and anything with pads would not work. So – bonus points for a strapless bra with removable pads.
Anonymous
I’d get some silicone stick ons for both situations. I am similarly small chested and really like mine.
Strapless Bra
Never tried those – do they actually stay on if you sweat? I live in the SEUS so humidity and heat is a factor.
Anon
The ones I use stuck through the Texas heat and humidity. They actually took skin off.
Anon
If you just want nicer shaping, I highly recommend the OnGossamer Bump it Up mesh bra, and you can easily tuck the straps in and it stays up well as a strapless when you’re less busty.
It has a back though, and for a backless bra, if you are as small as you say, band-aids. That’s all you need.
Strapless Bra
Thank you for the rec. Re: your last sentence, that’s a hard no. I may be small, but I have nursed children.
anonmi
Strapless bras really don’t work unless you have the correct size. I mention this because 34A is a common incorrect size that small chested people wear. I was wearing 34A and 32B before I was correctly sized as a 30D. Head over to the “abrathatfits” subreddit and do the calculator. The ladies there can also help recommend bras based on your size and shape.
Deedee
Hard agree!
Anonymous
Thanks! Will try that
Anon
I’ve seen people mention Eileen Fisher sandals on here recently as being fashionable. I missed that one but generally like the quality of her footwear. Is there a specific pair everyone is liking?
Anon
Someone said Eileen Fisher sneaker sandals?
Anon
Paralyzed with the dumbest decision ever. We’re having 6 people over for the 4th. We have a set of 16 melamine plates down at our beach house and I meant to bring them back with us but forgot. Do I buy 8 coordinating melamine plates for this gathering (more dead dinosaurs but reusable) or do I buy paper plates (trees are replanted, but creates waste)?
Anonymous
Do you not own 8 plates?!? I would just use what you have, matching or not. If you want to avoid waste the answer is usually not buying a thing.
anonshmanon
this. Assuming that you are not doing a sit down dinner, but something more relaxed for 4th of July, there is no need to have matching dishware. Or borrow a couple of plates. Or have a guest bring a couple extras.
Anon
Ha, sorry for the confusion. Yes, I have regular plates, but we’ll be out on our brick patio and in the yard, so not the place for breakable dishes. And I have matching dishes, too. I didn’t need to include “coordinating” in this post – I was thinking coordinating with the other set of melamine so that I could mix and match, but that’s not relevant for these purposes.
Senior Attorney
Flip a coin.
NYCer
I would use paper plates.
Cat
Borrow from a neighbor?
No Face
I would just use my normal plates.
anon
nah this isn’t real – you must be some kind of environmental troll
Anon
I’m sure it’s real, but once you have a whole beach house, the marginal impact of buying either melamine or paper plates is pretty minimal. No judgment, just I don’t think it makes a difference.
Anon
Completely agree, especially if the beach house sits vacant 8 months out of the year but still consumes energy that entire time. If this question is real, it’s one of those situations where someone is hyper-focusing on tiny things to ignore the impact of their large-scale decisions.
Anon
Actually, we don’t have the air on while we’re gone and we don’t keep lights on either, so our electric bill is normally about $14/month – the cost of service plus whatever nominal electricity used by the microwave clock or what have you. We don’t have tv or internet, so no vampire energy sucks. I’m not sure how having a vintage cottage sitting unused is particularly bad for the environment, but we think every little bit makes a difference, hence the question.
Senior Attorney
Heh good point.
Anonymous
Heh good point.
Anonymous
Why not regular plates?
Anon
Buy the plates so that you have a non-breakable set each place and aren’t having to cart them back and forth. I’m with you on the no breakable dinnerware on the brick patio thing.
Anonymous
I live in Germany, where seemingly everyone uses normal plates and cutlery for outdoor gatherings, and have yet to see any broken dishes at the many BBQs I’ve attended. Just use your normal plates.
Anonymous
Anyone know anything about Chief .com beyond what they have on their website?
Hobbs Sizing
How does Hobbs sizing run? Considering buying a Hobbs blazer secondhand. If I wear an 8 in Boden, would a Hobbs 8 or 10 or other size fit me? Thanks!
Anon
Hobbs is cut much slimmer than Boden, more similar to old JCrew (not vanity sized), Reiss or Club Monaco. Boden is much more similar to say, Talbots–roomy in the midsection (often) and also Boden cuts with a higher waist than Hobbs–Hobbs is more “fit model proportional.” (I’m high waisted and I LOVE Boden.)
You need to do the British conversion, but I would wear one size smaller in Hobbs than in Boden, IME, but this would depend on whether it’s “tailored Boden” or “stretchy Boden.” I wear a ton of Boden FWIW, and used to live in the UK. GL!
Anon
So I just went to Bloomingdale’s yesterday to check out Hobbs on the advice of this board and initially asked the clerk for 14s and she was like, “What? American 14? No way.” I’m reliably a US 12 if a dress is flowy, US 14 if fitted, and I tried on practically half the whole Hobbs department and I was a US 10 in flowy dresses and a US 12 in fitted. I just bought a loose Boden shift dress last week and was a US 14 and couldn’t have gone smaller.
Hobbs Sizing
OP here, thank you both – very helpful! I am high waisted and wear an 8 in stretchy Boden, and typically an 8 on top and 10 on bottom. With what you have shared I think I will give the 8 a try.
Anon
What’s that term/meme for “CC f-ing everyone”? Like when you include everyone and their mother on an email to get a response. I know I’ve seen a snarky meme or a tweet or something about it and can’t think what it is.
Anon
Haven’t seen this but if it’s a repeat question, I apologize. Anyone else still waiting on their tax refund? We filed in April and still nothing. Our accountant told us she has clients who filed in February and are still waiting. The “Where’s My Refund” website just says the IRS is still processing our return (which isn’t that complicated; we don’t own property other than our home and don’t have self-employment income or anything). We’re fine without the money, but it’s over $5k this year and it irritates me that it’s sitting with the IRS and they certainly won’t be paying us penalties and interest on the late payment, like they charge people when they’re late paying what they owe. I realize it’s been a crazy couple of years and the child tax credit is also complicating things, but c’mon already.