ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 239 Comments

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Neck Top

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

A woman wearing a purple long sleeve tie neck top and trouser pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Every fall, I find myself looking for some long-sleeved blouses to add to my collection, and every fall I find myself at Ann Taylor.

This tie-neck top is a classic style, and the deep purple color is absolutely gorgeous. I’d be tempted to do a full monochromatic look with these pants, but it would also look fabulously autumnal with a pair of camel trousers. 

The blouse is $84.50 at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes XXS-XXL and XXSP-XLP. 

P.S. Happy Rosh Hashanah to those who celebrate!

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

239 Comments

  1. Has anyone been to Morocco? I’ll be there in late Fall and am trying to figure out my itinerary, what cities to visit. Right now, I have Marrakech, Ouarzazate, 1 night in desert (Merzouga?), Fes, Chefchaouen. I love history, beaches don’t interest me. Is Casablanca, Tangier, Rabat worth it? Would love to hear any and all tips, recommendations.

    What cities did you visit?
    How long were you there?
    How did you get around? Train, plane, car?
    Any other tips?

    1. Did not care for Tangier in the off-season (our trip was January). Loved Marrakech and did an Atlas mountains day tour as well. We used sleeper train between Marrakech and Tangier and if you use train I would get the highest class tickets possible. We got 2nd (?) class and we were miserable. If I were a 20-year-old backpacker I might not have cared, but at 30+ I regretted it.

    2. I love it so much that I went twice:

      first trip in the North during Easter (4 days): Tetuan & Chefchaouen with some hikes in the Rift. Love both places and the pastela. We move in a private bus.

      second trip from Marrakech to the desert in New Year (10 days):
      Flight to Marrakech. Transfer to Ouarzazate. Visit of the Ksar of Aït Banhaddou
      Travel to Ouarzazate. Visit of the Ksar of Aït Banhaddou.
      Continuation of the trip to M’hamid. First stage of the trekking through the Sahara desert, The Great Red Dune (4 days in total)
      Transfer to Tagdicht (Anti-Atlas) and visit of Ameln, the valley of Argan oil
      Ascent of Jebel Lekst (you can skip this one)
      Essaouira (really pretty)
      Return to Marrakech
      Return flight
      New year eve in the desert was great but too much desert being around 3 days there.
      We move with land-rovers from one city to another and on foot during the walks in the desert and hikes. We have our private driver, guide and cook (this two ones amazing)

    3. I love Morocco, in particular Marrakech and Essouira and my trips to the desert (I planned 2 but extended it to 3 nights because I found the emptiness so beautiful and relaxing. I was travelling slowly though. YMMV if you’re on a shorter trip).
      But in Tangier – street harassment was nonstop, and when I chose to walk instead of take a taxi, two taxis drove slowly beside me and shouted angrily at me while I walked. I found Tangier to be the most unpleasant place I’ve ever visited. Maybe different if you are in some way insulated (staying in hotels and taking taxis with guides, or maybe not looking like a tourist).

    4. I went to Marrakech a while ago, but have it on my radar to go back and so have sort of kept up with things there. I would recommend staying in the old city, and specifically would recommend Riad L’Orangerie for a road stay. There is lots of fabulous shopping, and Maison du Caftan is on the same street and has great traditional clothing. I have a just above the knee black velvet coat from there that I love. ExH got some great shirts. They will fit the clothes to you and deliver the next day. Another good place to stay and a step up is La Maison Arabe.

      Cafe Arabe is not the same thing, but a nice option when you have seen one too many plates of couscous and want a nice salad and a glass of wine. They have a traditional menu but also a Mediterranean part of the menu. Don’t miss the square at night. And do eat the street food from the square at night. Beware a stall that keeps putting things in front of you – the “extras” are not gratis, you will end up paying for them.

      In the new city, if you like things botanical at all, go see the Jardin Majorelle. It was begun in 1923 by artist Jacques Majorelle who worked on it for forty years. There is a cubist style villa there as the residence. In the 1980’s, Yves Saint Laurent and Pierre Berger bought it and restored the garden and villa. A Berber arts museum is on the property.

    5. Yes – we did Marrakech and Essouira (sp). Essouira we wished we had longer in, vs. Marrakech, as the coast was beautiful and the scene in general less young boys nagging you to pay them to show you The Square. We took a coach bus between the two (Supratours) which worked well.

      Loved the food, hammams, YSL’s gardens in Marrakech.

    6. We (husband, 11 year old son and I) went in April this year and loved it. I would go back in a heartbeat. We used a company, Wanderlust Voyages, that provided a driver, which was not insanely expensive and was wonderful and make everything really simple logistically. While not technically a tour guide, we learned a lot from him while he was driving us around. We didn’t want to do too many long drives as our son doesn’t like them, so we stuck fairly close to Marrakech throughout the trip. We stayed 4 nights in Marrakech itself, in a riad on the edge of the medina, which was very quiet and lovely. 1 day was spent on a guided tour of the city with private guide, and then a food tour back in Djemma al Fna at night; 1 day we visited the jardin maroelle and had a class making drums, and then the last day we did a cooking class and drove to Essaouira. We spent 2 nights and 1 full day there, just wandering around, and then went to a kitesurfing beach south of there in the afternoon with our driver. Then the next day we drove up into the Atlas mtns to stay at a resort there somewhat near the ski area for 2 nights (1 full day). During the day we did a guided hike at Setti Fatma. For our last night we drove down to spend a night at a “luxury camp” in the Agafay Desert, where we did a camel ride. If I had it to do over, I would probably skip the Agafay as that whole scene was weird–it felt like people were there for Instagram content exclusively–and it isn’t really a dessert, as our guide, who was from the Sahara, kept reminding us. It was actually raining while we were there. We loved Essaouira, although the wind makes the beach uncomfortable for sunning/swimming – too much blowing sand, and I enjoyed Marrakech too. The hawkers are mostly an issue around Djemma al Fnaa and our guide dealt with them. But we live in NYC so probably have low standards. I would not want to drive there, and I drive in NYC.

      We had some problems with Royal Air Maroc – our flights kept getting changed and delayed, and their customer service was not great.

    7. I just went for 10 days over the summer, with a group tour that hit Casablanca, brief stops in Tangier and Meknes, Chefchaouen, Moulay Idris + Volubilis ruins, Fez and Marrakech. I had extra days solo in Marrakech and Casablanca at the end. Marrakech was by far my favorite place, but Fez was fascinating. You need a local guide if you want to visit the old city, it is a hopeless maze. Chefchaouen is a tourist trap, but it was pretty and I enjoyed it. Casablanca was meh. Based on your preferences, I wouldn’t bother with Casablanca and Tangier, although if you have to fly in and out of Casablanca anyway, visit the giant mosque.

      I flew into Casablanca (direct), and otherwise got around by train, which was super easy and fairly inexpensive, or private transfers. Overall, I loved Morocco and 100% plan to go back and spend more time in Marrakech and the south, including the Atlas mountains and desert.

      1. I’ll also add, I like history and culture and really enjoyed all the information from the tour guides. I traveled with Intrepid, and they do some day tours in addition to longer multi-city ones, if you want to check them out!

    8. I just visited Marrakesh for something like 4 days. It would have been cool to go up into the mountains but otherwise, I don’t feel like I missed much by just seeing the one city. I liked being there several days to really dig in and explore. We spent many days in the souks (markets). Also went to the Jardins Majorelle and explored shopping in some other areas of the town. One day, we hired a guide to take us around the markets, which was helpful. We stayed at the Le Meridian N’Fis, and we took taxis to get around town.

    9. Ha! We are leaving for Morocco tomorrow! My husband has been before and says Casablanca is just a big dirty city and not worth it. We are doing 14 days and if you want to email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail, I will send you a copy of our itinerary.

    10. Husband and I went to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco in April. It was a tour group so transportation was covered. First stop in Morocco was Fes which was amazing. Agree that you need a tour guide to go through the old city; too many twists and turns to keep a sense of direction. We also stopped in Casablanca, Marrakech, Rabat, and Tangier. One of the best experiences was going to Bhalil to visit the caves where people still live. Lots of great architecture and food.

    11. If you like history, do a day trip to Volubilis (and Meknes)!
      We flew into Marakkesh, drove through Rabat to Fes, then drove and flew out of Casablanca. We had a private driver which was a really nice luxury and helpful to navigate some cultural and language differences (and we’re not normally private transportation types!)

    12. What happened to Houda, who used to post here regularly? She was from Morocco, and I bet she would have been a wonderful contact.

    13. Thank you, all! These are great suggestions. Really appreciate all the detail.

    1. +1. And my Ann Taylor pieces have been well made. I bought a skirt from them I assumed would be a one year of heavy wear piece and three years in it’s still going strong.

      1. I wish I could say the same. All my Ann Taylor purchases in the last couple of years have been so bad. Maybe it’s a more recent issue? Or I’m picking the wrong stuff.

        1. Ive had mixed results – some hems falling out, others fine. But the fabric quality has been consistently cheap on almost everything to the point that I rarely keep anything I order and don’t even bother ordering anymore.

    3. I would like to wear this color all day, every day. It’s beautiful. I think it’s hilarious that my first-year associate daughter and I are shopping for the same pieces at AT.

    4. +1

      I bought one of their cashmere sweaters last year that is this color. It was posted on this site.

    5. I really like this and candidate Harris has reignited my love of the pussy-bow blouse. But I really wish these were not always made with the pleated/puff sleeves. I look ridiculous in that style and I don’t want a long-sleeved shirt I can’t wear without a jacket.

    6. So I hate this color, I just have a visceral reaction to it that I can’t explain. Does anyone else get this way about some colors?

      1. Yes. I have developed this aversion to navy blue. I can’t explain why. It is such an inoffensive color. I feel like nobody actually loves it. They wear it because it is not black and they’re trying to jazz things up a little bit.

      2. Yes, for me it is that specific shade of peach used in 1990’s Taco Bell decor, especially if it is accompanied by that offensive minty green color. Those two together are unforgivable.

        1. I was getting ready to build a house in the late 1990s and I remember this combo in every single model home!

      3. Cobalt blue, which was very popular in the late 80s and early 90s. Loathe it. Especially paired with black.

        I don’t love this color either. I sometimes get it and just feel frumpy wearing it for reasons I can’t articulate.

      5. Yes. I viscerally react to grayed-out, dusty pastel shades. Unfortunately, they’re really popular in home furnishings right now, so I’m seeing them a lot.

  3. Is anyone familiar with the brand Thread & Supply? I see Nordstrom and some boutiques carry them but not finding a lot of reviews. I just ordered my first box from Wantable (this former Trunk Club loyalist is searching for anything to replace it, so fwiw my first box was actually pretty decent) and there are three items in there I think really like all from Thread & Supply (flannel shirt, shacket, and a sweater). Each is $65-100, or so. Given the textures of the items I’m cautious about easy pilling or generally just not being of a decent quality. Any reviews?

    Also, what do we think of their Leah Coat in Cream Gray Bronze? I have nothing like it in my closest and have wanted a shacket. Leaning toward keeping but trying to decide.

    1. I think their stuff is cute and I really like that shacket. No idea on quality, though.

    2. I have some of their shackets. They’re fine if I wash them in cold water and hang dry. That’s my SOP for most clothing anyway.

  4. Have we had a thread on how a private practice attorney can get a federal job? I am in a flyover state, 12 years out of school, partner, but I’m at an eat what you kill firm (not an employee) and have to cover my own taxes, benefits, and retirement. These costs are skyrocketing, I’m doing well at the firm but am sick of the high costs plus the billable hour. I focus on an area of the law that agencies are often advertising for. I’d rather not relocate out of state but am willing to go into an office in my state capital city, for example. I am ok with the paycut, would expect to work fewer weekends, and hope benefits cost less than $1800/m. I heard the resume and interview process is “different.”

    1. IANAL, don’t work for DOJ, and don’t work in DC but I have to say that becoming a fed is the best thing I have done as an adult. I absolutely LOVE my job, I feel like I”m well compensated, have good work life balance, and enjoy the benefits (though health insurance is sneakily expensive, but of course way less than $1800). I really encourage anyone looking to make a change to look into federal employment – there are a lot of misconceptions but a) pretty much any job that exists in the private sector exists in government b) its not as low paid as some believe c) there are so many jobs outside of DC and regional HQs.

    2. I’m a fed, but not an attorney, and take home pay is about 62% of my gross. The deductions are quite a lot more than my previous state job. I don’t find the health insurance to be as good for the price as my former state job, but I was spoiled there. Capital Health Plan in the last job. IYKYK. Alas, I had to move away for my fed job.
      The hiring process was soul sucking for me. Everyone has a different opinion on what gets you past the HR screen. In the federal process, the initial screen is done by an HR person who doesn’t really know anything about your field, so I guess my advice would be to fit your experience to the requirements in the job to make it fairly obvious that your skills match without copy/pasting those requirements into your resume.
      Starting out, I’m putting a lot on faith that it’ll work out well in the long run, because the day to day income isn’t that great. Fortunately I’m in a low cost of living area.

      1. My post makes it sound like I’m not happy in my job – I am. I have a great boss and bunch of coworkers, even though we’re all spread around 2 HUGE states and I’ve only met two of them in person. My coworkers are great. What we have to work with to support our agency is the barest of bare minimums and that part sucks, but in general, people don’t hold that against us personally (Vote for people who pledge to adequately fund the government, please!)

      2. Yes, I came from city government to federal government. At my city job, I paid $30/mo for healthcare. I now have FEP Basic and it’s a lotttt more for roughly the same coverage. You can look up the rates and details of the plan for most, if not all, of the federal plans online.

        That being said, working as a fed I now make almost 2x what I made working in city government, I get more time off, my retirement is so much better, my work life balance is way better, I have more job security, and a lot of the intangibles are better (I get time off to workout during my workday, the employee association programs are great (though, this is hyper office specific), and as someone who travels a lot, the travel process is SO MUCH better). I also love the work, the leadership, and my team though that will always depend from team to team.

    3. I hear nightmares about federal job application process, but I had a job offer for a non-DC fed attorney job and the process was shockingly easy–one interview and that was it (I ended up turning it down for a variety of reasons, most of which were hyperspecific to the job, though I was concerned about losing the flexibility of private practice). So I think it is somewhat luck of the draw as to which agency is hiring and how badly they need someone (my resume also perfectly matched what they needed). It was also one where applications were emailed directly to a person instead of submitted through USAJobs, which I’m sure also made it easier.

    4. On R*ddit there is an r/usajobs sub. I’m not an attorney but was thinking about applying to federal jobs. There are some good tips in the wiki for how to apply and update your resume.

    5. Most agencies have some sort of in-office requirement, so your best bet is to find regional offices of big agencies that you could commute to (a midwest field office, for example). What’s your field? There are a handful of smaller independent agencies that are fully remote (CFPB is one) but the ones that I’m familiar with, you need directly applicable experience to be considered. The work-life balance is great as a fed and the benefits are far less expensive than you put (I pay something like $400/month for my family’s very good health insurance). But you will have mandatory retirement contributions and, of course, the base pay is much smaller than what you’re used to.

      1. I’d be interested in working at CFPB – it’s my area of expertise – but it looks like all the jobs are in DC or one of four other large cities. How do I find the secret remote jobs?

    6. At the agency I work for it is very important that the key words in the job description match the key words in your resume. The interview process is stilted, to say the least. Everyone gets asked the same questions by a panel of people who are not allowed to elaborate on the questions or even engage in any substantive back and forth. This keeps things “fair.” Second interviews are more conversational. My job title includes attorney, but I work for a regulator and not in a traditional legal job. I love it. I work 40 hours, mostly wfh, get comp time if I have to work extra. I took a pay cut, but I feel like I will come out ahead in retirement – pension, TSP, social security, and, most importantly, government health benefits. It was 100% worth it for me. Good luck.

    7. Also, consider state government. Different states pay differently, but i make over $200k my state government law office with truly excellent benefits including more leave than I could ever use.

    8. Your best bet would be to find a friend to help you through the process. I’m a fed and I helped a friend apply recently, it took about 6 hours to format and phrase everything correctly. (I did not write any of my friends application but for example I would point out where they needed to use a star approach, add months to experience criteria etc). Unfortunately I was burned and my friend turned down the job so I refuse to ever help someone again.

    9. The general hiring rules don’t apply to attorney Jobs, so ignore most of the federal resume advice. I’ve been at two agencies, and just used my normal resume both times (and interviewed at two more with the same resume).

      There are a lot less attorney jobs in the field than in DC and, depending on what state you are in, there may only be one or two agencies with attorneys in that state. If you are not willing to relocate, it will be hard just because there are so few positions and turn over in field offices is generally low.

  5. I work with a project manager who is a male in his 50s. In meetings he leads he often says “Does that make sense?” which comes across as condescending, especially since the other attendees are almost all female. I checked with colleagues and they agree it comes across as condescending. We have tolerated it for the past year because I know he doesn’t mean it to come across that way. But now we have a new vendor onboard and he said it in a meeting yesterday about 30 times. I am the project lead and I feel I need to say something to him about it. Help me phrase it because he is sensitive and I need to maintain a good working relationship with him.

    1. Don’t do it. There is nothing to be gained by this. View it as just a verbal tic that has nothing to do with you or the others to whom he is speaking. It’s like saying um, using up speak, or having vocal fry.

      You don’t have to like everything about the way someone speaks.

      1. +1. I honestly think it would be super, super weird to say something to him about this. Let it go.

      2. I would definitely talk to someone about upspeak – and have. I did her a massive favor.

    2. If it’s a vendor, does it really matter? I wouldn’t say anything unless you’re afraid you’d lose a customer.

    3. This is a verbal tic that people of both genders use. I am not sure it’s worth correcting him on this one, TBH, and I’m generally pretty sensitive to middle-aged men talking down to people.

      1. Yeah, when I say this it’s because I’m worried that I’m spouting nonsense, not that the person I’m talking to is dumb, so it’s definitely meant to be the opposite of condescending.

        2. Exactly. When I did it, it was because I lacked confidence in myself. But I also noticed on more than one occasion that the response from the listener wasn’t great and stopped doing it.

        3. Same and I am trying to stop bc I think it makes me seem like I am not confident in my statement, not condescending!

      2. This was my thought. When my confidence is shot to hell, I will say this; I’m worried that I’m blabbing incoherently, not that my coworkers don’t understand reasonable speech.

        1. +1

          Exactly. I do the same. I usually say it when I am explaining something and I realize I am being too wordy, or am stressed, or think it was a bit complex and I may not have been clear. I am just want to make sure there is no confusion so I can continue.

          OP – clearly this guy has been saying this for years, and it is not worth embarrassing him and trying to get him to stop. Just deal.

      4. For people who say this, Ithink sometimes “Am I making sense?” comes across better. (“What questions do you have?” is sometimes more useful.)

      6. My mom did it. Until I started replying with “no.” And then we would laugh. She also started so many sentences with “at any rate,” which made me batty. Once I pointed that out, she broke herself of that habit too. Both were verbal crutches she wasn’t aware of.

    5. I often use that phrase as a way to check myself and make sure that I explained clearly. When I say it, it’s about me and and not the other person. I guess what I really mean to say is “Does that make sense the way I explained it?” Maybe I should have explained it in a different way or I didn’t answer all the questions.

      1. +1 to all of this. Also it’s a polite way to check on whether people agree with you or not. It’s a common phrase. Dear god do not say anything, this is not an issue for correction, this is a learn to work with other people who do not perfectly please you every second.

        1. It’s not polite at all though, especially when sprinkled in with something that folks are indeed following. It’s like you’re being asked to affirm that you’re not stupid. And it is generally a verbal tic folks use with those equal or lower in status. Ask if they have questions or find some other filler word or phrase that’s not about the audience’s ability to think or reason.

          1. For real? The question is literally “am *I* making sense?” It’s asking if the speaker is being articulate not if the audience can think or reason. That question would be “do you get it?” Or “do you understand this concept.” Which is also not rude but questions the listener versus the speaker.

      2. +1 this. I actually worry it sounds like I’m not confident/too deferential when I say it.

        I will trust op that there are other reasons she thinks this is chauvinist but maybe try to suss out those reasons as it does not read as problematic with the details proceed

    6. Commiseration. I’m an engineer, 99.9% of my colleagues are male. I hear stuff like this all the time. It’s very likely he doesn’t actually realize it’s condescending. It sounds like he’s checking for understanding, which is normal. If he’s filibustering conversations, in the right situations I’ve had pretty good luck with interrupting people when they are on a tangent and then asking pointed questions of other people in the meeting to imply we need to get other thoughts out on the table. I also tend to lean on giving responses where I acknowledge something that they said and directly give them credit for is so they know they are being heard.
      What also comes to mind, on my immediate team I had a new hire that was like this for quite some time. It was pretty noticeable to not just me but to my other male colleagues as well. At one point same colleague and I were working on scoping a project with a customer with a really condescending tone to me. When I spoke with this co-worker off-line about a meeting we had. I was blunt and said “well once Mr. Customer was done mansplaining to me our process we were able to uncover XYZ requirements”. That gave my colleague pause. He even admitted right then sometimes he does that himself and he’ll try to watch for that. He’s been way better since. But I feel like that was kind of a rare unicorn type situation.

    7. I wouldn’t say anything. I don’t think anyone would interpret that kind of verbal tic as anything other than “do you have a contrary view, or was I unclear, and in general I’m seeking feedback that I’m not sounding off base.”

    8. Say nothing. There is no upside to you for doing so, at all, whatsoever. He annoys other people as well, I am sure, but that is his problem, not yours.

    9. My husband does this. It is indeed a verbal tick anytime he stops to check for questions. What he means is… “Did I explain that well? Following so far? Do you have any questions?” It drives me nuts. But he has a really hard time reining it in. Someone could bring it up, but please don’t assume malice.

    10. Not sure about your org structure but if you’re senior to this guy, I would say something. I also work in tech with a senior leader who does this, and you can SEE people shut down and swallow their questions when he says it. If you get the sense that’s happening, it’ll impact your project’s success (you need your new vendors to actually ask their questions, raise concerns, etc).

    11. Thanks all for helping me avoid an awkward and unnecessary conversation. I will let it go and try not to take his verbal tic personally.

    12. It is not about you. It is an insecurity. How do I know? Becasuse I do it when I feel I am not being understood or heard.

    13. Depends on the vibe. Is this just a way to punctuate his thoughts, like a verbal stop/period?

      Or is he trying to give you and order and wanting your buy-in that you accept the assignment? If the latter, and this guy is not your boss, then I think you have to try to change the power dynamic away from him being your self-appointed boss. Having been in this situation myself, nip that in the bud.

    14. “does this make sense” is a verbal tick check in. I usually respond by “here’s what I understood-(summarize)-do I have that right?”

    15. I do that as well as a check-in, and an opening for people to raise any issues, questions, make comments. I (female) do it in mixed, opposite and same-sex company.
      So I don’t necessarily see the condescending unless there is something else to the story.

  6. Where is everyone buying fashion jewelry these days that’s decent quality without being obnoxiously expensive for non-precious jewelry? I’d like to get a couple of pieces to dress up some basic work sweaters.

      1. Agree — Etsy for quirky new and vintage pieces. Still can’t resist a good charm bracelet.

    3. Art fairs, little shops, sometimes Etsy. It’s a bit more than pure fashion jewelry but the stuff I’ve bought from Olmox (Houston based) has been work horses for years.

    4. I’ve had pretty good luck with Madewell. Also the quince solid gold huggie hoops are great. I’m not a big fan of quince in general, but I have a bunch of ear piercings and am currently wearing four of those quince hoops. I leave them in for months at a time and they stay in and hold up great.

    6. Nordstrom and Bloomingdales have plenty of items under $75. I love Nadri earrings in particular. I find Madewell’s gold tone is too orange-y

      1. Pavoi. I got a chunky ear cuff from them recently and I really like it. They have their own website if you don’t do Amazon.

    10. If she’s in the mood I shop my mom’s stuff for this. She has a stash of stuff she doesn’t wear anymore and I can usually repurpose some of it. Otherwise vintage stuff from Etsy, with a string preference for Taxco stuff.

  7. I have a heavy question for the morning. My mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few weeks ago. She had surgery to remove it, which went well. Now the pathology is finally back on the tumor, and it’s a worst-case scenario. Glioblastoma. Even with treatment, the prognosis is poor. 12-18 months at best, and that’s if chemo and radiation work well. It’s just very very aggressive. I am devastated and can’t figure out how we’re going to live in this weird limbo where things aren’t going to get better for long. I don’t want every moment to be tainted by “maybe this is the last time we’ll do XYZ.” Perhaps that’s inevitable, though. My parents are not sharing the prognosis beyond our immediate family. How do you keep things normal-enough when there is a terminal diagnosis? My mom is not much of a bucket list person; I don’t expect her to want to travel or suddenly do a bunch of stuff she hasn’t before. I could be wrong, but my sense is that she just wants to live her life. I live about an hour away from her. Close enough to see her often, but not close enough to just pop over every day.

    1. I am so sorry. This is awful. I think I would follow your mom’s lead. If she wants to just live her normal life as long as she can, I’d try to meet her there. In the meantime, seek out support for yourself, from your closest friends if not a professional. I wish your family peace.

    2. Quality time is quality time. If you have kids, have the kids see Grandma as much as possible. Take pictures. Record her voice. If your dad is still alive, include him in the photos and voice recordings (his time isn’t guaranteed either).

      Plan things you will want to remember that are within her capabilities. It isn’t “the last time we will go to the zoo;” it will be “that time we went to the zoo because Mom loves polar bears.” It will be going to the symphony because you will want to remember her when you go the symphony in twenty years.

    3. I am so sincerely sorry this is happening. My heart aches for your mother, you and your family reading this. I agree with the others. First, I think spend as much time with your mother as possible, along with the rest of your family. Plan fun local outings, or easy activities like game night, a pizza cooking contest in the kitchen, a movie marathon night in the living room. Take many photos of your mother with each member of the family. But more than anything, connect with her often, ask her questions you maybe never thought to ask before, and just be present with her for as long as you can. The memories you make in this time, and have made before, will sustain you through this process and beyond. Second, I strongly recommend seeking a counselor for yourself now. I cannot stress enough what a huge help that may be to you.

    4. Oh no. So sorry for you and your mom. This happened to our family when I was 24 and my mom was 50. No easy advice. Try to live in the moment and enjoy your time with your mom.

      When my mom did die I was sad but also relieved. Her suffering was over and there was nothing more to dread.As sad as it was, there was closure and a lot of love.

      My friend whose father dropped dead suddenly had a much harder time afterward. There was no closure, no goodbye. They had actually argued that morning and she felt terrible about it. Hugs.

    5. How old is she? I just went through this with my mom for pancreatic cancer and my 80 year old dad was the best primary care Oliver he could be but had no medical training and he wound up in the hospital himself from just being worn out by caregiving. So if you aren’t local, I’d get a home nurse care manager for both of them to help guide them and help you and the rest of the family navigate. And having paperwork in order is key. Having both parents fall apart wasn’t something I expected and I have had to manage for both and now one estate and one love to assisted living and the like. Having a POA that wasn’t a springing one was immensely helpful. Not helpful — several fund companies demanding much more paperwork, often nataized, which isn’t easy to pull off with hospitals or hospitals or if you are in mourning.

    6. I’m so deeply sorry. I recommend finding professional support for yourself ASAP, whether that is meeting with a therapist, support group, or whatever works best for you. The more support you have, the better you will be able to support your mom and dad. From there, try to follow your mom’s lead as much as you can.

    7. I am so, so sorry. Glioblastoma is one of the cancers where it really makes sense to do careful research on what the upside of a treatment is before deciding to pursue it. An extended life expectancy of a few months may only be valuable if the patient is cogent and not in pain. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case with glioblastoma. Try to spend every minute you can with your mother sooner, rather than later. It is a cancer that can make the person you know disappear quickly. If your mother wants to just live her life, that is a valid choice and her choice. Sending you and your family good thoughts.

      1. This is exactly what I’m worried about. For now, my mom wants to pursue treatment. But I will not assume that it will always be that way.

    9. I’m so sorry.

      Your Mom sounds a lot like my Mom. My Mom was suddenly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and went down a similar road. My Mom also didn’t want to tell people, didn’t have a bucket list, and was she and my father were just devastated by the diagnosis. Throughout, she appreciated the love of family and having them close by when we could be there.

      I am very sad I don’t have any recordings of my mother’s voice. Please ask her all the questions about her childhood, early life, the family etc…. and about meaning behind personal/family items that she has kept for years. And keep letting her be a Mom…. confide in her, ask her opinion and for help etc… Make up things at time if you need to. Let her do things she wants when she is feeling good. Tell her how grateful you are for having her as a role model and mother. Reminisce with her. Focus on the simple pleasures.

      Also, you may be surprised, but there are some newer treatments for GBM. They should be doing genetic analysis on the tumor, and hopefully she is at a very good academic research cancer hospital that can guide you.

      But involving palliative care doctors early will be helpful for her quality of life. Medications to help her energy, sleep, pain, mood were helpful at different times. Most major cancer hospitals have a team of specialists you can reach out to when needed. We got help from each of them at least once, so there was always someone to contact with issues. Cancer psychiatrist, pain clinic, nutrition were very helpful.

      Online support groups for were very helpful for me.

    10. Oh, I’m so sorry- glioblastoma is one of the absolute worst cancers and we’ve gotten no better at treating it in decades. Glioblastomas tend to be fast and they can come with personality/mood changes as they progress. Trying to keep things normal is probably too high a bar to set- go spend some time now with her.

      1. I know you’re trying to be realistic, but consider reader/listener when you make comment like this. This is not what OP needs right now.

    11. Since the prognosis is 12-18 months, try to front load your memory-making quality time together in order to take advantage of your Mom’s energy and relatively pain free time.
      My impression from knowing those who’ve gone through similar is that the pain is real and hospice (when it’s time) is a blessing. Don’t wait, do it soon if you can.

      1. Agree with others that pictures together, recordings, and memories become ever more precious as time goes by. Listen to her as she’s willing to talk and share. Now’s your time to ask all the family history questions. If you have children, depending on their ages, you may want to discuss with your partner how much you’ll involve them in the later stages. Death is not pretty or easy. Discuss it with them beforehand, so they’re a little prepared. My parent had a really special relationship with their granddaughters 12, 10, and 6. They won’t forget him, and they made his last months special.

    12. So very sorry. My cousin passed away from Glioblastoma and lived just about 18 months from diagnosis. My recommendation is to deal with the hard stuff now – preferences for end of life care, funeral preferences, etc and then enjoy the time doing what she loves and you love, knowing that stuff is done. My cousins lost mobility and speech and we didn’t discuss all the above noted issues before she lost the ability to do so.

  8. I need some black flats that work with pants, dresses and skirts. I was thinking loafers. Will I get more than a season out of a (somewhat dainty) lug-ish sole or is that trend ending and should I go simpler?

        1. Same. They look fugly with skirts unless you are a lithe teenager. They may be in style but they look awful.

    2. I would definitely avoid the lug sole look at this point in the cycle. I suspect it is coming to an end and will look dated within a season or two.

      But this is coming from someone who aims for current silhouette but otherwise classic lines because I get tired of replacing my clothes every other year because “this year’s” jeans do not have the three inch hem of “last year’s” jeans. Loafers themselves are fairly classic and will remain so even when they are no longer as trendy as they are now. Weejuns have been around forever for a reason.

    3. I think a mild lug sole will age better than a theatric or cartoonish lug. It may not be at the cutting edge of fashion, but a slightly more robust sole is also more practical for more varied weather than a smooth sole.

    4. I got some nice flats by Franco Sarto. Got them from Macys but I’ve seen them elsewhere. Slightly pointed toe and a higher vamp so they stay on my feet. The leather is nice and flexible. Comes in a lot of colors, some of which might be faux leather rather than real.

    5. I think it’s more a matter of your style than what’s trending. If you prefer classic silhouettes, you probably want a more classic shoe. If you’re a little edgier, then a lug sole will work better (and something like Weejuns will just look wrong).

  9. I have a male direct report who talks my ear off, and rather frequently talks over me. I think I am a pretty good judge of whether someone is a chauvinist, and I truly don’t think he is. I think he is a person who gets lonely working remotely and just wants to TALK and be heard and share allllll of his thoughts. He is generally very good at his job. Does anyone have any advice to make him a) gather his ideas before he calls me to talk about them and b) STOP talking over me?

    1. Let him talk? Is this actually a problem? The best way to manage people is to meet them where they are and focus on only correcting things that really matter. If you nitpick every interaction you won’t build any trust.

      1. +1

        Seriously. Some people are just more adept at working from home in isolation and speaking clearly, succinctly on the drop of a dime than others.

        Please do not so condescendingly start trying to school him. Unless he’s your intern.

      2. True. I’ve been taking a work leadership program and the is what we learned at our most recent lesson. You have to take the time to build trust and rapport.

        It seems obvious, but instinctively we don’t always want to focus on other people when we have stuff to do. The lesson of slowing down and investing time in people can pay off (I’m learning.)

    2. If you’re not on an urgent deadline, let him talk. My work takes me to a lot of field offices that may be staffed by one person and rarely have customers. When I turn up to fix their computer or whatever, this happens A LOT. As long as there’s not an impending snowstorm or something, I am happy to listen. It’s part of building relationships and many of these staff are starved for contact.

    3. Ask for an agenda for meetings. Encourage him to set the agenda, he may feel empowered and seen through that process. On the talking-over issue: Is it on substantive, important points, or small talk? If the latter, I say leave it alone. He clearly means well. Intent matters here.

    4. I’m surprised about all the replies that say just let him be, and don’t comment about the talking over you.
      Yes, he should set an agenda and organize his thoughts. Give him enough time to get some just-talking time beyond critical communications, but you don’t have to let him control your schedule. If he is looking for more social connection at work, maybe add him to more collaborative projects or point him to work volunteer orgs if applicable. The time you devote to him should be balanced with the time you spend on other reports.
      The talking over in my opinion should be shut down, you are doing your org a disservice if you let it continue, as well as him for future situations where he works with others. Explain it once in a calm moment, then the next time he talks over you, interrupt him right back ‘see this is what I mentioned the other day, you are probably not noticing that you just talked over me’. This just could be a verbal tic that he needs to learn to pay attention to. Another strategy I’ve found useful for ‘umm’ sayers is a hand gesture whenever they inadvertently do it.

      1. When you let people be who they are it’s amazing how much better you can work together, and it’s also good for a manager to just talk with their reports and hear what’s actually going on. When you treat people like you are “the all knowing superior being” you lose all the realness that can actually be beneficial to your job. And also? Women talk over people too. I’d suggest taking that factor out of he’s generally a pleasant person you like working with.

        1. Maybe. I assumed that if the amount of talking over was a normal amount, OP wouldn’t ask for advice here. There is such a thing as too much interrupting, and this also depends on workplace culture.
          This is also obviously heavily colored through a management challenge I am currently in, where ‘this is the way I am’ is supposed to excuse extreme flakiness on the job.

        2. I think there is a middle ground where he can be himself but also learn that he needs to give people mental breaks from his every thought once in a while. He should definitely not talk over others when they are speaking, though; that is basic civility!

        3. Most people don’t like to be talked over. Some of us even think it’s pretty obnoxious. I think it’s worth addressing since this is a work setting.

          1. It a help to someone early in his career to point this out. It’s part of mentorship.

            I had a boss who was an over talker, and he only did it with women. I wish someone had taken him by the ear when he was early career.

      2. Micromanaging peoples verbal tics got my last boss ousted, she was so insufferable she scared away half the team before being told to leave. Constantly saying ‘this isn’t relevant’ or ‘I already know what you’re saying’ is just so intolerablt rude and shocker she didn’t actually have the knowledge to make any of those statements

    5. Gosh, you have described my son. He just verbalizes everything and if he thinks it, he says it and talking out loud is how he sorts out his thoughts. I had a male coworker who did this too, and a 5 minute call with one person would be a 2 hour call with him. Yikes. This sounds terrible, but I just let them talk. I tune them out, half listen, do something else. For my son and this former coworker, the talking was just their way of thought processing.

    6. I have a female direct report who is also an external processor. It is a lot to take on, capacity wise and sometimes emotionally, but I really can’t find another way to make her happy besides giving her time to listen (within reasonable boundaries!). Now, she doesn’t talk over me so that feels like something to address.

      I wonder if having him engage in some self reflection would be helpful- you can google “user manual” exercises or other kinds of leadership assessments to create a platform for you two to engage in explicitly clarifying how he is an external processor (and presumably you aren’t) and what that means for your management relationship?

    7. To answer your actual question for a) I would tell him this meeting is expected to take 30 minutes and we need to cover x, y, and z. (Throw in some language like “Please come prepared to make x progress on y issue, give me a brief overview of your progress on x, or ask me the most pertinent questions about our next step,” etc).

      Also consider just telling him directly that while it’s fun/interesting/(something otherwise polite) to talk to him, these conversations are taking up too much time and you both need to be focused on moving the work forward rather than discussing details (or wherever the conversation is taking you). Tell him he needs to focus on communicating a few actionable steps or whatever vs overwhelming you with possibilities/ideas/etc.

      For b) as for talking over you, tell him as part of staying focused and moving the work forward he needs to be prepared to ask for and really listen to your input. Remind him when he starts talking over you. Express to him that he needs to take better advantage of you as a resource. (Perhaps brainstorming his own ideas should be done before you meet with his peers?)

      Have the difficult conversation. I don’t know why everyone is advising you not to bother managing your direct report. Definitely allow some time for social niceties, but I don’t see why you couldn’t try to rein this in.

      2. I would take hearing the above from my boss as a tacit signal I should be job hunting immediately, and I would be gone as soon as I found something remotely suitable.

  10. I was having a weird problem where my screen was freezing when I tried to type responses, but thanks for the Philly responses yesterday! I am coming from upstate NY, so more of a midwest feel despite being located in the northeast. And sooo much more affordable than NYC and Boston. Sounds like it might be a good fit, I’m excited to visit and get a feel for it. If you have any specific recs for food, neighborhoods or things to do, I’m all ears.

    1. Based on your interests, Passyunk Square, Clark Park area in West Philly, Fairmount, Queen Village / Bella Vista, or Callowhill area (that’s where the rock gym in Center City is).

      1. + a very hearty 1 to this. Fitler Square could also be a good fit.

        Where would you be working? A commute from Bella Vista to, say, University City can be surprisingly long, but Fitler is just across the bridge.

        As far as specifics that I probably wouldn’t recommend, Old City feels a little “over” to me (it was the place to be like 20 years ago) and Society Hill is an “older” neighborhood. The northeastern neighborhoods like Fishtown, Kensington, Northern Libs you get more space for your money but there’s a reason.

        1. +1 to your comment about commute. IMO, our public transit is actually pretty great (provided SEPTA gets the funding it needs to keep up current levels of service!!!), BUT, it goes north/south or east/west. Very few routes do anything diagonal, which can be annoying for commutes. I have a personal rule that I no longer transfer lines, but if you do I recommend doing the subways instead of the buses – they’re just more reliable with shorter headways. I used to commute from Grad Hospital to Old City by taking the BSL to City Hall then getting on the El – that was very smooth (minus the characters you see on the El), but a bus transfer is too unreliable to time out.

          I also used to live in QV and I loved it, but it’s a bit of a transit desert and a bit far from CC and so I ended up moving for a better commute to work and friends.

          Many of my friends are in Point Breeze, which I cannot stand so I have admitted that I’ll have to “commute” to friends regardless. Two apartments and two job changes later, I’m in BV and it’s my favorite of the places I’ve lived.

          1. Isn’t crime out of control in Philadelphia? Has always struck me as a get out in commuter hour kind of city despite all the cool restaurants.

          2. if all you listen to is the bad news, yes, but if you actually live and work here? No I don’t scuttle about only midday clutching my purse.

          3. Absolutely not. I’ve lived in CC or CC adjacent neighborhoods for 8 years and have always felt comfortable to walk myself home alone decently late at night.

            There are neighborhoods that I avoid 24/7 and other neighborhoods I avoid at night, but I”m sure that’s everywhere. I don’t take the subway alone after 9, and probably at all after 11. Crime gets a really bad rap, but in the neighborhoods you’d be visiting and spending time in, it’s perfectly safe. There are absolutely some really dangerous neighborhoods, but there isn’t much spillover outside of them.

            It has a really vibrant community that is absolutely not a commuter city. I, and my friends, am out and about after work or on weekends just about every night: walking around, grabbing a drink or dinner, running on the river trails, checking out some event.

  11. First world problem: how do I store my shoes in a way that they’re actually visible and useful? Complicated because we’re a no shoe house, currently they’re all in garage but I’m thinking having a section in my closet would help while getting dressed. But my closet is long but very narrow and already quite full. Looking for ideas and how other real world women have done it.

    1. I have a long narrow closet that has long shelves running the length of it on both sides. I use the Container Store Clearline Stackable Shoe Bin that line the top shelf along the long side of my closet. You can stack about four high without them getting unstable. Frequent rotation shoes go on the bottom and fancy gala shoes go up higher out of reach. The clear plastic shoe boxes just take up too much space and this is reasonable approximation of things having a home. I leave running shoes and others that don’t need to go with an outfit near the garage.

      1. +1 My shoes live on the top shelves of my closets. For special occasion shoes, I keep the boxes they come in so they don’t get dusty and stack them on one side. The other side has work and casual shoes, one row on the shelf and another row on top of them on those coated wire shelves with “legs” (most often meant for under the bath sink or in the kitchen).

    2. I keep my all-purpose shoes (sneakers, Birks, etc) by the door, work shoes at the office, and nicer shoes that I tend to wear for indoor-only stuff in my closet. I have a simple rack under my low closet rod.

    3. I have shoe cubbies on my upper closet shelf, and another couple on the floor under my shorter hanging stuff. My closet is a single rod, not walk in.

    4. I am not a fan of shoeboxes with photos or the clear plastic bins. I like my shoes lined up and stored, so I just use shelving. I have used bookcases before too.

      1. I have a shoe closet with built-in shelving. If you store each pair with one facing front and one facing back you can fit more shoes on each shelf.

        In the past I have also used the shoe racks that hang on the back of a door.

    5. I have a 4-tiered rack by the door for whatever shoes are in seasonal and on my daily rotation.

      All the rest go in my closet, with flats tucked on the floor under the two-rod side (our shirts are hung double-decker; hubby gets the top rod and I have the bottom). Out of season shoes go in plastic bins on shelves at the top of the closet. I clean and polish them first, then stuff them with newspaper if needed to hold their shape, and wrap them in an old t-shirt if they are delicate in any way.

    6. Does your closet have doors you pull out? If you do, or if you can convert them, the Container Store has racks that you can mount on the back of the door with different storage things you can stick in like large mesh baskets and shoe racks. They’ve created so much extra space in my small closet. Get the door mounted ones (not over the door) and make sure to measure, as you can order them cut to size.

    7. I have tall rolling shoe racks tucked in my closet. If they fit in yours, that might help. But it also might work in your garage if the climate in there isn’t a big issue.

    8. I have soft-sided buckets/bins for my everyday kick-around shoes that don’t need babying (sandals, ballet flats, sneakers, etc) and for my more-expensive shoes, they’re on closet shelves. I have a shelf running along 3 walls of the closet, so I dedicate that to my shoes. Other options might be double-duty storage (storage ottomans, under-bed, storage bench) where less-expensive shoes could get tossed when not in use.

    9. I keep them in the boxes and staple a photo of the shoe on the outside of the box.

  12. Say you’re someone who has been wearing sneakers for a solid year (me, it’s me) after breaking her foot and now you have to be a keynote speaker at a small conference. What shoes are you buying that look presentable enough for this but aren’t screaming “sneaker”? No heels or boots please! Conference is in a very warm place.

    3. are you sure you can’t wear nice sneakers?

      failing that, I would do loafers or loafer mules. The Sam Edelman horsebit variety continues to be an office workhorse for me.

    4. I’d go to a large store and try on different options – the width might be as much a factor as a heel. Would a wide wide flat work? I personally like t-straps or mary janes as I have duck feet and walk out of my shoes.

      1. Pre-foot break I was also a person who would walk out of my shoes. Harder to walk out of sneakers!

    5. Cole Haan oxfords — I wore these after I broke my foot, and they were great.

    6. I love Vionic shoes — I have the loafers and the flats. I sprained my ankle a year ago and they’re the only shoes my feet can tolerate.

    7. i would watch “I Care a Lot” and see if i could pull of the colorful suit + white sneaker look she does so well in the movie.

    8. Allbirds tree breezers. Yes, they’re low key ugly, but also low key so no one is paying attention. Mostly the only shoe I wear anymore.

      1. I think those may be too flat and unpadded for me, but Allbirds is a brand I generally like. My main sneakers for several months have been the tree pipers.

    9. Maybe a mesh or stretch flat/Mary Jane? They’re not the height of fashion, but I’m thinking like Sketchers or Bernie Mev in an all black or Eileen Fisher makes some really love stretch-mesh/knit shoes that, with trouser socks, would look presentable.

  13. If you have a fun family or come from a fun family, how did you establish that? DH and I have been talking about this. We have little kids so right now it’s easy – all they want is to run around the yard with mom and dad or play a game or read with us. But we’re thinking about this in terms of teen years and more importantly adult years.

    Both DH and I come from very serious families. We love are parents immensely so we visit but visits are basically sitting on the sofa the whole time, talking – either every health or news issue you could think of mostly in anxious ways or gossip. Or watching tv, so much tv. Suggestions like going places other than retail or restaurants are looked at as crazy, as are things like games. Granted some of this is aging now but it’s been like this over decades and both DH and I remember this growing up.

    We’re interested in that cycle not repeating. We want our kids to be grown and come home and look forward to it – as well as any partners – and to leave refreshed. Often we leave our parents and in-laws a bundle of stress probably because we’ve spent days hand wringing.

    1. My family has a strong culture of playing card and board games. It started with kid friendly games elementary age, and it is still part of how we spend time together now that kids are grown, just with more grown up games. This helped when my parents recently came to visit and due to injury we could not do as much hiking or active stuff as we normally would. We still had a great time together, joking around, inventing silly rules and so on. Unrelated, I feel that playing games also teaches kids a ton, like counting/simple math or understanding rules, taking turns, being a graceful winner and loser. There are also tons of games where you learn knowledge on animals or history or whatnot, all done playfully.

    2. My kids are now 10 and 13. The best thing we do is play games together — sometimes is family game night; sometimes it’s just me asking to play a quick card game. The other thing you can do is be up for anything (obviously within reason). I’ve had to work to be the kind of parent who says yes to lots of things (grew up in a serious house where the answer was most often no). It’s been great for me, fun for the kids.

      Also — get in the pool. So many parents don’t do this. Get in and splash/swim with the kids.

      1. +1 to all this. Similar age kids – we do a game night on Friday nights and movie night on Saturday nights. We have a schedule and take turns picking – last weekend we play monopoly and watched the Princess Bride.

        We also regularly hike, ski and swim together whether on vacation or in/near our city. Get in the pool. I’m shocked the number of parents who bring their kids swimming and sit on the sidelines. One of the main things our youngest remembers about our last trip to Florida was that DH did a handstand in the pool at our rental house.

    3. My family visits always involved slow, leisurely mornings, and either a project around the house or activities outside the house during the day, whether that was raking leaves, putting up the closet shelves for grandma, snowball fights with the kids in the yard, hikes on the local trails, visits to the local park. Then back home together for dinner, and a group activity after. Card games, board games, puzzles, bocce ball, table tennis, something like that. Not everyone participated in every thing, but having a loose structure helped keep things from devolving into sofa anxiety spirals.

    4. With my parents we swim, hike, ski, attend hockey games, and play board games. I don’t think it’s anything especially complicated, just whenever we have a visit someone will propose a trail or game or something then we’ll do it.

    5. My family of origin is definitely fun. Part of it is personalities, so even sitting around watching TV or just chatting, there’s lots of loud conversation, funny comments, and laughter.
      Another thing my parents do that I really do think helps is they keep their home decorated in a modern style, with huge windows, and it’s very clean, bright, and airy. There’s something inherently depressing about visiting a senior’s home with 30-years-outdated decor, low lighting, bad smell, and curtains drawn. Also, they keep toys on hand for the kids.
      We’re not inherently a “game” family but we do occasionally play games that are fun that you see on TikTok or whatever, like the family unwrapping a huge ball of Saran wrapped gifts while wearing oven mitts.
      Also, my parents serve lots of sugary and fatty food – pleasure chemicals coursing through everyone’s veins = everyone perceives they have had a really fun time!

      1. Yes, we always had treats in the house growing up and we all love a good meal. We had a lot of fun around food.

        1. +1. I want my kid to have much more fun around food than my parents allowed. They could suck the fun out of an event with “junk food” faster than anything. It could be 100 degrees out with all the kids getting a dollar from their parents to go buy a popsicle from the stand and mine would say nope, you already had a cookie yesterday.

    6. We’re a fun family and I don’t think it’s anything more specific than just deciding as an adult that life is fun and including your kids in it. My kids are 11 and 7. We eat family dinners as much as possible. Rock out to music in the car together and sing along, badly. We’re silly and do not take our selves seriously. We get up and move. Labor Day weekend, we were at a lake with big inflatables. All the other parents were on the shore – sunning, drinking, chatting. I was in the water, going down the slide.

      Honestly, it keeps me young. It motivates me to stay in shape. My parents are the same way and they are much healthier and more active than my in-laws, who are super bookish. I’m not saying don’t be bookish. Just don’t only be bookish.

      1. Yes, my mom was 100% the most “doer” of any moms I knew. Whether its was mowing the lawn or taking the kids on the rides at the amusement park or playing in the water or snow with us, she was right in there doing it with us.

        And now at 60, she still is! In fact, we joke as a family that we have to take turns being her playmate on the beach.

    7. My family growing up was into the outdoors, not in a super hardcore way, but just regularly going to parks, on short hikes, bike rides, canoeing or kayaking, the occasional car camping trip. We also took music lessons and went to concerts and plays (many of these were just local community productions, so they were free or cheap and we often knew some of the performers). I still love music and the outdoors and spend a lot of my free time outside. I’d think about the things you like enjoy and try to do those with your kids, as reasonable and age appropriate.

    8. My parents always had a really good social life and their socializing was probably a 50/50 mix of doing adult only things and entire family things. So, I grew up knowing their friends really well (and playing with their friends’ kids). So now as an adult, I really enjoy going out with them and their friends. And, they and their friends are FUN! Concerts, sporting events, bars with live music, get togethers at people’s houses. I didn’t stay friends with all of the kids in this group, but I did stay close with some of them and they’re some of my closest friends (and they’re my oldest friends). My brother and I have both been in a few of these friends’ weddings.

      My parents are also fun people who are looking to go do things – they’re definitely not sit on the couch people. So, as a family, we were out and about doing things: sporting events or the local festival in town or going for a walk in the park or whatnot.

      As kids our parents were playing with us in the yard almost every night; now as adults we get together to play sports (tennis, racquetball, golf) or backyard games (corn hole or ladder toss or whatever). I don’t remember my parents doing much pretend play with us (and as a kid I loved pretend play) or doing crafts or projects, but they played boardgames and cards and sports and stuff us all the time. I think just spending so much time playing together built the bonds that make hanging out with them as an adult fun.

      We just really enjoy each other’s company, so I go home for dinner maybe 2ish times a month. We have a few drinks, we listen to some music, we have good but low key food, and we just spend hours hanging out and chatting. They’re just fun people to grab a beer and chat with.

      We also play a fair amount of board games, but none of us are really into board games and we can’t stand the strategy games. We play things like Taboo or Catchphrase or whatever and always end up laughing.

      My parents both still work, have active social lives, and have hobbies so we have plenty to talk about. They don’t really have the time or mental space to do anxiety spirals because their lives are just as busy as mine.

    9. I do think some of it is personality. My parents and aunt and uncles are just fun. My friends and husband love them.

      They’re friendly and welcoming. They frequently invite us over. They keep snacks/tea/coffee we like on hand. Their house is small but comfortable. They have robust social lives and interests so they have many of their own friends and family members that they hang out with and they aren’t reliant on us. Sitting on the couch with them is fun because the conversation is great. Sometimes their friends or other family members pop in when we are there.

      They’re also pretty down to do stuff they like and we like. We do play games sometimes. I like to hike so they’ll do a small hike; they like tennis so I’ll join them for a session. They involved me in their own lives – my mom would sometimes bring me to book club, my dad taught me poker be side he liked to play and once I was 18 he would take me to play at casinos with my grandma and his friends.

      They don’t let logistics be the impediment of fun which I try to embody for myself. They would take us to the pool after school and we’d eat PBJ for dinner or we’d go to the beach for a morning. They’re willing to drive 2 hours to see a museum exhibit they are interested. Etc. etc.

      We also have some low key traditions which helps anchor the relationship with some structure – an annual beach day, pumpkin carving, a holiday white elephant – they can be done whenever convenient for everyone.

      1. +1000 to not letting the logistics be the impediment of fun. Don’t skip out on fun things because parking is annoying or the traffic gets heavier at that time.

    10. While my parents were definitely authoritative parents, there was also a lot of lighthearted teasing that always went both ways which made the relationship fun and casual. They were 100% our parents and not our friends as kids, but we’d all tease each other and rib each other about stuff.

    11. If your visits are that stressful, don’t spend the whole time on the couch! You don’t have to spend every single second with your parents just because you’re visiting them. Go check out a local museum or tourist site or go to the movies or whatever. You can regroup at dinner time.

    12. Some of my fondest childhood memories are vacations – we always took a summer trip and sometimes a Christmas one too. I feel like a lot of families only travel for the purpose of visiting family but that wasn’t us. We always went somewhere new and fun.

      1. Same! And for us it was lots of road trips to stay in a cabin or a motel cause that’s all we could afford.

    13. 1. Be outdoorsy – hike, bike, rock climb, ski, swim at the beach and in the local pools. The parents should participate and not just watch.
      2. Don’t rush home from outings to sit on the couch. Stop the car for that ice cream stand or that beautiful viewpoint or to watch the sunset.
      3. Be silly. Use funny voices and accents for no reason or mispronounce words on purpose.
      4. Keep the TV off as much as possible.
      5. Decorate for the holidays and put effort into birthdays.

    14. this is just as much in the personality and attitude of the parents as it is what you actually choose to do.

      it’s like at the beach, watching the family that’s having a casual fun game of catch vs the one where the dad is playing catch with his son and barking orders like “better spiral next time!!” to his 7yo.

    15. DH and I are going through the same thing. My parents are academics and his parents are very “keeping up with the Jones” so strict about certain appearances (pressed clothes and mom picks outfits, must play football or soccer or baseball, must attend church, cannot be late ever, must celebrate all standard US holidays in standard ways). We don’t want that for our kids. We are much more flexible and try to let the kids lead their own fun. We want them to explore within boundaries. Examples- We let them wear what they want as long as it’s not obscene. They can choose their extracurriculars and we don’t force them into one. They can participate in pop culture or social things they are interested in- movies with friends, Minecraft etc. This has meant we have to limit our contact with both of our parents and have to be very selective about which grandparent we engage with for different events.

    16. One thing that I think makes us fun is that, while we get a lot of time as just our immediate family, we also have a revolving door of friends and family over frequently.

      I kind of wanted our house to be one of the “fun” houses for kids to hang out at; I just love the sense of community that comes from that. So, we set up our house to be fun. We also have our own friends over frequently (and have them bring their kids) and my parents and brothers and their families are over frequently too. My in laws live with my SIL out of state, but visit for a few weeks at a time several times a year.

      I welcome a loud, chaotic, and at times messy house. Pillow forts using every pillow in the house and arts and crafts and obstacle courses and running around are all encouraged, so long as your clean up after yourself.

      We have lots of fun games and toys. Three things were important to me when we were house searching: a good yard for playing in, a good basement rec room, and a 1st floor family room or playroom. My kids are active and high energy and love sports and I wanted to really encourage that. So, I had dreams of setting up the basement as a total kid zone with an indoor jungle gym and sports area. We basically padded the walls / floors, left a bunch of open space for games, and then had some climbing structures and a nugget. A few bins of toys (dress up / make believe supplies, sports supplies, lots of balls, blocks/building toys). They just run wild down there – I love that we are the house that they can play dodgeball inside of (that is the current favorite). When they’re older we’ll probably add a real couch and a ping pong table or something.

      Outside we have space to run, a basketball hoop, and a trampoline. I’m always willing to set up the slip and slide – I’d rather have kids playing and having fun than a nice yard. We have sports equipment and lawn games and bikes and scooters and all sorts of stuff to play with.

      Then, I wanted a family room or something so that the kids weren’t always playing in the basement – I didn’t want the out of sight out of mind. So, this is where we watch TV as a family, play cards or board games, and do low mess arts and crafts (high mess ones are on the patio or in the basement).

      And then, most importantly, we also play with our kids. We go outside or in the basement almost every night after dinner to have a catch or jump on the trampoline or whatever. We go in the water. We go sledding. We’re not observers, we do the things with them.

    17. What a great question. I have a fun family. I am in my 30s, and my parents, sister, and BIL are the best friends to my husband and I. We all get together at least weekly. We are extremely close. Now, it wasn’t always this way. We were once teenagers who hated everyone and screamed all the time, and my parents were intensely strict with us. But as we became adults, everyone in the group decided that we are going to accept one another for who they are, the good and the bad, and just enjoy one another’s company. I think that acceptance is key – so many parents try and influence even their adult children. Our parents have given us the space to be who we are, and we all just really enjoy spending time together. We laugh a lot. We joke a lot. We are careful with our words, and understand that you should treat these relationships with respect. I think some families think they can say or do anything to family “because they are family” and that does a lot of damage.

    18. I already commented upthread but one more thing – you’ll have way more fun if you fight your instincts to be afraid/cautious all the time. If your answer to every proposal for something new and fun is “I’ve never done that before so I’ll sit it out” or “I could get hurt” or “that looks scary,” find a way to reframe to “I can try new things” and “a lot of people similar to me love this activity” and “if I fall down, I’ll get back up again.” Being open and willing to try new things and not overly cautious will get you having way more fun with your kids and it will also help your kids try new things too. Practice saying “have fun!” instead of “be careful!” as a start. Don’t confuse risk and consequence – something can be very high-consequence (your rock climbing rope snapping) but very low-risk.

    19. We had a lot of fun toys (trampoline, swing set, pedal cars, virtually any sort of outdoor or sports equipment you could imagine, the Wii). My parents have admitted that they bought the toys that they’d also enjoy playing with and then we’d all play together.

      We had no non-Wii video games and while they didn’t limit our TV, we often chose to do other things.

      My parents said the best money they ever spent was 1) on the trampoline – it got near daily usage for over a decade and 2) on the Step 2 roller coaster – which got daily play for years and then was a hand me down several times over.

      My parents played with us frequently, or they’d have their friends + kids over and the kids would run and play and the parents would have adult time on the patio. Friends and family were always around and we grew up really close with family friends and extended family.

      They were frequently the only parents in the water, in the snow, or in the sand with us, rather than watching from their chairs.

      1. I think parents actually participating and not watching on the sidelines is SO key – especially for moms.

        1. I agree. Moms often get shunted into the “facilitator of fun” role. It is good for you AND the kids to play more and enjoy!

    20. Make everyday moments fun. Never turn on the TV on unless the whole family is watching together, because background TV is super depressing. Instead, play all kinds of music during dinner, in the car, etc. Play the soundtrack of a favorite movie or musical and have a family singalong while doing chores or cooking or doing a puzzle. Have family karaoke nights.

      Get a dog and walk it together daily.

      Always go out for ice cream or dinner after the kids have competed in a sport or performed on stage.

      Use themed paper napkins for every minor holiday.

    21. I love this question. Two thoughts:

      @playfulheartparenting was a theater major in college and showcases herself playing with her kids in a way that my parents never once played with me. I really like her content, even if I’ll never achieve her level of silly capability.

      And the second thought is…physical health and longevity. The most playful parents I know are the ones who are taking care of themselves physically: exercising as their bodies permit, nourishing themselves with food that brings joy and health, actually seeing doctors for chronic conditions. Being able to get down on the ground with your kids or run around with them really does help. I know that that’s not possible for everyone, but I’m saying do your best to maximize your own health and fitness to facilitate being active with them as your body permits.

  14. What are your tips for shutting down a newcomer Good Idea Fairy who can’t read the room?

    We’re a group that has a few low-key activities every year. We’re all busy with kids and families and jobs and just trying to go grocery shopping. Every week, she’s proposing some new, highly involved, major time commitment activity (like building a Habitat house). And every week I (as leader) am gently and politely shutting her down, “Oh gosh, what a great cause! I don’t think we can support that as an org with everyone’s prior commitments, but let us know how it goes if you participate!” Every 👏🏼 week 👏🏼

    In my mind, I want to tell her to go join the Junior League or run the PTA and leave us to our handful of activities per year, but of course that’s impolite. Help? Do I just keep on keepin’ on with the “Gosh, everyone has so much going on, we’ve all made time just for these couple activities” line?

    1. Contrary to my comments above, this is someone who I just let be herself. I ignore or deflect as you do, but I don’t try to squash the frequent ideas. It’s something that I (pragmatic, focused on what is realistic and within our capacity) probably underemphasize myself.

    2. Does your company have a charity or community involvement committee she could join?

    3. You let her try. Tell her to organize it and perhaps temper her expectations with explaining what you said here, that most people in your department are not in a stage of life where they want to do those things. But she’s welcome to try and may have more success reaching out to department B or whatever.

      1. This idea is better than the comment you’ve been using. The passive aggressiveness probably isn’t going unnoticed. I appreciate people who try. Maybe give her some tools to succeed at one of her ideas.

    4. Is she interested in the charitable outcome or general team-building? If it’s the latter – she’s new, she’s trying to meet people and get involved in the culture. Could you give her some general parameters for time and frequency and let her run with it? Like we had someone at my last office who facilitated “breakfast club” — once a month, people brought in breakfast goods cut into small portions so you could try several. The company bought coffee and fruit. It took maybe 15-30 minutes out of the day, but people gathered and chit-chatted and it seemed to help foster community.

      1. Yeah, she needs more specific guidelines and an explanation. People need X weeks of notice if it’s outside of typical work hours so they can arrange for someone to pick up their kids and the event should be over by 6:30. They’re happy to pick up store bought food the night before but don’t have time to bake something homemade or stop on their morning commute.

    5. Have you told her your group does not have capacity for additional extra curricular activities and that while you appreciate her enthusiasm, the weekly meeting is not the right venue for her to drum up support for these other causes?

    6. Depends on the organization and if the good ideas might cause harm. When I lead a nonprofit board, I tried to meet with everyone, especially newcomers, one on one more casually from time to time. Among the many benefits was that newcomers could preview good ideas with me and I could kindly explain why they weren’t workable before they raised them in a meeting and alienated our (extremely hardworking) staff (who were also highly talented and could have their pick of jobs if they wanted to leave).

    7. Can you give her a project to lead, like a BRG or the holiday party? But impress on her that events are optional and people are not required to attend.
      The person you are describing was me before kids, as well as employees I previously had who were used to working in companies that had much higher margins and thus employees had more work-time bandwidth to dedicate to activities. My poor boss nearly fell out of his chair one day when I suggested that our company sponsor more non-profits. And I in turn nearly fell out of my chair when one of my employees told me she was disappointed when I didn’t run a team book club.

    8. What sort of “group” is this? Everyone else seems to be assuming it’s work, but I read it more as like a group of neighbors that like to hang out in a low key but semi-organized way.

      Either way (assuming she doesn’t have authority over anyone if it is a work context) I agree with”let her try”

    9. I see you’re the leader of the group, but have you actually checked whether other group members share your view on this?

      If so, I would try to redirect her wonderful energy into facilitating the other events. If you have a silent auction, let her drum up the donors this year. Etc.

  15. Upstate NY recs?
    We’ll be going to Chautauqua for a long weekend next June and, since we’re coming from the West Coast, want to extend our trip. Where in that general vicinity would you go? We like cute little towns, history, good restaurants, and scenery. Thanks in advance!

    1. There are a ton of cute wineries in the Finger Lakes region-try Hammondsport. I love Letchworth State Park it’s beautiful. Have you been to Niagara Falls? Canadian side is nice and not too far from Buffalo. Ellicottville is a cute town but I have primarily been there in the winter for skiing, not in the summer. I get the sense that they have summer activities as many ski towns do. If you want to venture farther afield, Ithaca is cute and there are very nice hikes, ditto for Watkins Glen (Gorge Walk, Rainbow Falls). It’s about 65 miles between Buffalo and Rochester so to go past Rochester, you could be talking a 2 hour drive, just FYI.

    2. This is my neck of the woods! Ellicottville is a great little town. Bemus Point is also a very lovely little town right on the lake. Jakes Rocks in Warren, Pennsylvania have some of the best views, but is going to be about an hour away. There is also Panama Rocks in NY. You will also be very close to Buffalo, NY. The National Comedy Center is in Jamestown, NY. The Lucille Ball museum is also in Jamestown, NY. If you are into breweries, Southern Tier Brewery originated in the Jamestown area and still has a brewery/restaurant there. Ellicottville Brewery is in Ellicottville and Bemus Point. There is a Lake Erie winery trail if that is something that you like. Westfield, in particular, as a lot of wineries (try Johnson Estate Winery for their ice wine). Go to the Robert H. Jackson Center in Jamestown if you are into legal history. Go to Lily Dale to get your palm read or your future told!

  16. Has anyone used metrogel for rosacea? I am newly diagnosed and looking for anecdotes on what I might expect.

    My derm appointment was to look at an odd mole, which was fine. In passing, the doctor asked how I am treating my rosacea (which was news to me, I just thought it was my mid-40s skin). So I have a prescription awaiting pick up tonight.

    1. Yes ive used it. It helped at first but now I’m on a compound of metro gel and soolantra, which in combination have been really effective. My rosacea went from redness only to an outbreak of pustules. I think the soolantra helps with the latter.

      Definitely worth a try! My face really likes niacinmide serum for redness, so that’s another angle. Azelaic acid can help too.

    2. Metrogel didn’t seem to help me, but others have had success. It’s worth trying, at least to get past the initial flare up and then you can work on maintaining.

      I had the most luck with repairing my moisture barrier and not using anything harsh on my skin whatsoever.

    3. I have a prescription azelaic acid that works pretty well for my mild to moderate rosacea, but I have not tried metro gel.

    4. It didn’t work for me past the three month mark. I’ve been able to control my rosacea from being sure to eat at least one slice of bread day (whole-grain spelt). B vitamins that most breakfast cereals are fortified with are what my skin needs the most.

    5. I’ve been using over-the-counter Prosacea and it does help (in combination with a cleanser and moisturizer designed for redness & patting skin dry rather than rubbing). I only need to use it once a day even though it says you can apply it 2 or 3 times a day.

    6. I might be too late, but Metrogel has worked wonders for my skin – my symptoms are completely under control

  17. Just curious- How do you know when it’s time to look for a new job? For me in the past, I would generally know within the first few months whether the job was a fit or not.

    1. When I catch myself googling how to join the Peace Corps (or some other adventurous but impractical career), it’s time to start looking.

      1. Hahahahaa, same. I’m still on their mailing list for application deadlines. Same w the foreign service.

    3. The reason I don’t job hunt is my view is that things can always get worse. If you’re at a point where you can’t see how things could possibly get worse, that would be the time IMO.

    4. I think I saw the advice here that if you are wondering about this, it’s already time.

    5. When I start fantasizing about being a SAHM. Can take a long time to find a new job, unfortunately. And really, what was the right job within the first few months of starting might not remain the right job.

      1. On the other hand, I’ve basically never not fantasized about being a SAHM (except when my kid was 3… 3 year olds are awful), and I don’t think it means I should quit my job. My husband is the breadwinnner but my salary takes us from comfortable to very well off, and I don’t think it would be a good dynamic for me to be financially dependent on him.

Comments are closed.