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Reader J has a good question about changing your name after your divorce — it seems like a good follow up to last week’s conversation about gender-neutral names (and the commenters’ discussion of Miss, Ms., and Mrs.).
I was hoping you could address (and gather some opinions about) the issue of how one should go about transitioning a return to her maiden name during and after a divorce. I’m by no means a “Name” superstar or anything like that, but it does seem like a bit of daunting process to jump in with a new identity, particularly after I’ve been in practice for about 10 years. Should I start using my maiden name in conjunction with my married name to ease the transition? My maiden name is technically my middle name but I have only ever used my middle initial for professional purposes. Also, I’m wondering how best to explain the new name. I really do not want to hold on to my ex’s name, however.
First: I’m sorry; I’m sure divorce isn’t easy. And as someone who’s been through the name change process once, I don’t envy you for having to do it again. (I used the services of MissNowMrs. when I did it; they have a state-specific collection of government forms and draft letters for your credit card companies and the like — it might be helpful to you now in this situation as well.) (Pictured: Broken Heart, originally uploaded to Flickr by miguelpdl.)
Second — the professional name change. Whew. I’m interested to hear what the readers say, but my advice would be to start using your maiden name in conjunction with your ex’s name. For example, if your full name right now is Jane Doe Smith, with Doe being your maiden name and Smith being your married name, the easiest way to do it might be to begin using “Jane Doe Smith.” But then if “Smith” falls away, you will definitely get questions as to where it went. For that reason, I might suggest using “Jane Smith Doe” instead — Doe will soon be your legal last name again, and for people who don’t know you well they’ll assume you got married. Furthermore, you can switch your email address to be jsmith@company.com and have it be consistent both during the transition and after. (Make sure that your tech people know to keep jdoe@company.com up and running for at least a year or more, forwarded to jsmith@company.com.) After a suitable period (3 months? 6 months? a year?) drop the Smith from your name.
Honestly, the only other options I see are to a) hold onto your ex’s name until you marry again — but this only makes sense if you expect to be engaged/married very soon after the divorce is finalized, or b) drop the use of any last name (which, I think, was Roseanne Barr’s solution when she divorced from Tom Arnold). (I’m kidding, honestly, unless you are a) a performer and b) have a distinctive first name.)
Readers, what’s your advice — either on name changes or on divorce in general?
Texas
I can’t speak to a name change after divorce, but I can speak to name change after getting married later in life (if you will). I got married for the first time when I was 37 and had been practicing more than 10 years. At first, I did not even consider changing my name. Bbut after my wedding, something over took me and I decided I wanted me, my husband, my stepson and any future kids to have the same last name. So I changed my name. It was no big deal professionally. I am not a fancy, well known lawyer. Just a average lawyer at an average firm. What I did do was transition from First Maiden Last to First Last. It was a gigantic hassle with credit cards, social security etc. If I was to get divorced and thought it likely I would remarry and change my name again, I might not go through the hassle. I might wait until I got married again.
Mella
>a) hold onto your ex’s name until you marry again — but this only makes sense if you expect to be engaged/married very soon after the divorce is finalized,
And consider b) if you have kids with your ex’s name. Of course there are people everywhere who call schools and say “Hi, I’m Jane Doe, Evan Smith’s mother,” but I’ll always remember my mentor sighing and saying, “It is SO much easier to say Hi, I’m Jane Smith, Evan Smith’s mom. Plus all my degrees have the name Smith on them.”
Anon
And oh so annoying when you’re the new wife and you keep getting people asking if you are related to her, have her name come up when you’re looking up a discount at PetCo, etc. They haven’t been married for more than 14 years now, yet I still feel like I’ll never be “Mrs. Doe.” Now my children will get the joy of being confused with everything her as well.
Anon
My mother kept her married name after the divorce and its been nearly 20 years now. A few years ago she became a psychologist in the same smallish city where my father is a doctor. Although technically she has the proper degree, she is not emotionally qualified to be a psychologist and I am concerned that being in the medical field will tarnish my fathers name. I realize this is a specific situation, but it has influenced my opinion that once divorced a woman should go back to her maiden name.
Ann
My MIL never changed her last name and she and my late FIL got divorced over 35 years ago. I could understand it when my husband was young, but then after my husband left home, and then especially after my FIL died, I just can’t understand why she never went back to her maiden name. My MIL was married for 6 years of her life and that was it; it just seems weird to me to hang on to the name of someone you weren’t married to that long, from whom you have been divorced for over three decades, who in fact died ten years ago. I guess it’s just because she’s used to it, but I still don’t get it. To each their own, I guess.
I hyphenated my last name and if my husband and I were to split up (let’s hope not) I would just go back to my maiden name, which I have used as part of the hyphenation, so it wouldn’t be unfamiliar to people.
Makeup Junkie
maybe she wanted to share the name of her son and future grandkids?
shelly
I was lucky to start a new job while I was in the process of finalizing my divorce, so it was simply a matter of discussing with my new boss and with accounting that while the name on my checking account was Shelly X. for the next few months, I would be using my maiden name and should be professionally addressed as Shelly Y.
That was one of the easier aspects of the divorce name change process for me, which I found very trying. So trying, in fact, that I’m not sure if I plan to take my fiances name when we get married in a couple of months. I’m still deciding. Reasons to do so would be my own sense of fairness (he doesn’t mind if I keep my old name) and the fact that any children we have will have his last name. Reasons to keep my maiden name would be that in the process of reclaiming my name it became something of intense emotional value- if that makes sense. Like I said, I am completely up in the air about it even though I’ve been engaged for quite some time!
eaopm3
This is the same sort of experience I went through during and after my divorce. At my former job, so many documents and computer programs still had my married name on them, despite having notified everyone possible about taking my maiden name back. After I left that job to go to law school, which I did using my maiden name, it wasn’t really an issue that came up ever again. However, now that I have graduated and started work with a law firm using my maiden name, I have decided not to take my fiance’s name once we get married.
You’re right – the hassle of changing back to my maiden name during the emotional process of the divorce has made me want to keep my maiden name forever because it does have this emotional attachment. Even though my maiden name is one that is difficult for people to spell and pronounce, it’s mine and I am keepin’ it!
shelly
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who feels that way! My last name is a pain to spell as well, but I never realized how much it meant to me until I had to struggle to get it back!
anon-ny
I feel the same as well. I’m not engaged or anything but after my divorce, law school and a significant amount of time practicing, I think it would be very difficult to convince me to change my last name.
cbackson
Me too. I’m never changing my name again – I’m counting the days until it’s legally “mine” again, and it has brought home to me how much of a part of my identity it is.
Laura
Good for you!
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to change a name (and signature?) you’ve had for so many years. My last name feels like such a part of my identity that I can’t imagine changing it. Luckily I date someone who has no problem with that decision, although I’ve had a few somewhat-heated discussions with men who think it’s the ultimate insult for a woman not to change her name. I contend that if I meet someone with a name I like better than mine, maybe I’ll reconsider, but I don’t think that’s going to happen :)
K
It was worth the hassle for me when I got divorced, as I did not have children and did not want to continue to use my ex’s name. (My decision might have been different if we had children.)
I changed everything as soon as I could. In hindsight, I probably should have done a gradual changeover like suggested above because I ended up having to explain to most people what happened. I was pretty young when I got divorced, and I had been married when starting at the firm I was at. So, most clients assumed my name changed because I got married and called with a congratulations, and then I had to explain that it was actually a divorce. Congratulations, however, were still welcome :)
NYC
Ha!
Like K says, I would be prepared for people to assume you just got married and have a plan for how you want to handle such comments.
Lyssa
However you do it, I would recommend that you do it quick (that is, all at once, not in pieces, and tell everyone you see for a few weeks right up front) and that you are quick and upfront with the reason why. I’m sure that you don’t want to discuss the divorce, but I think that it’s better to just say “I got divorced” simply and with no emotion than to dither and let them wonder. (Yes, it’s none of their business, but that won’t change the fact that they will wonder.)
I got married early, but didn’t change my name until 8 years in (while I was in law school), and it was actually kind of awkward for people who didn’t get the message and didn’t know me really well, but knew that I’d been married last time they saw me. You could see the question in their eyes and they would try to figure out how to ask if I had gotten divorced, and it put them on the spot. I laughed it off, but hated to make them wonder.
S
This.
Melissa
Interesting topic – my initial reaction would be to just change it unless you are a solo practitioner or in an industry where name recognition is important (As in, have you already established yourself as Firstname Lastname?) If that’s the case, I like the idea of easing back into it, but I would go Firstname Lastname Maidenname as opposed to Firstname Maidenname Lastname – stated above.
NOTN
That is a brilliant suggestion – First-Married-Maiden. Great suggestion.
Angela
You can use services like http://www.namechangeaftermarriage.org/ to complete your marriage name change process online. It completely takes the hassle out and saves lot of time.
Jill
My sister ditched her maiden name completely when she got married (from First Middle Maiden to First Middle Married), and for a time used a signature line like:
First Married (formerly Maiden)
Maybe you could do:
First Maiden (formerly Married)
And as for explanations, it’s nobody’s business, so I find a well placed, politely stated, “Why do you ask?” to be the best response to personal questions in a business setting.
Anon
I agree that “Why do you ask?” is a good response to really invasive questions (such as “Why don’t you have any children?”), but, as someone point out above, changing your last name can bring on curiosity especially in face-to-face situations. I don’t think that making the other person feel more awkward is a good way to handle that. It would be nice if we could all just do these kinds of things whenever we want without being asked questions, but saying “Why do you ask?” when someone says “Oh! Did you get married?” seems even ruder than the question to me.
Anonymous
I agree with Anon. All of the so-called experts say that “Why do you ask?” is a good response, but oftentimes, you know exactly why they asked – they are curious and they want to know. No harm in people taking interest in your life, as long as it’s not too nosy or intrusive.
Laura
This post-divorce name change conversation came up in the comments a few weeks ago and someone (I forget who–feel free to take credit if it was you!) suggested a brief tagline at the end of the email saying something along the lines of: “as of [date], [your old name] will go by [your new name] and can be reached at [new email].”
I hate that the process/hassle of changing names needs to be added to an already painful process. I completely understand the desire to do so, though. Interestingly, I had an acquaintance who went back to her maiden name for personal reasons while still married (she missed it and it felt right to take it back) and had to navigate the awkward “I’m sorry to hear that” or “How great you just got married!” comments.
cbackson
I was the one who asked about it earlier. A tough thing at my firm is that they won’t initiate the process of changing my name on anything (not just payroll, but my email, web address, etc.) until I show them a new SS card. And then they won’t switch it until the end of an accounting period. So I haven’t been able to start advising people about the name change, because I don’t know yet what date things will change over – it all depends on how long it takes for me to receive the decree, and then how long it takes SS to send the new card, and then on how close I am to month-end.
Texas
Seems like that gives you a chance to start using your letter head with
First Formerly Married Maiden
Then when it is “official”, change the firm website and business cards etc.
As an aside, I had just gotten married when I started working at this firm. I had decided I was going to keep my maiden name professionally and change my legal name for personal. My firm said NO, you are who is on your social security card. So I had to be my new married name. At first I thought about throwing a stink, but it already had become a pain to have two names so I gave in. Just as well in the long run I guess.
cbackson
Well, I’m already Myfirst Maiden Married on my email signature (I don’t really sent out letterhead letters with any frequency), and my name shows up in Outlook that way. So when I go to Myfirst Maiden, it will be a smaller change, and I’m hoping that helps. They’re not allowing me to change my signature in advance of the SS card.
Weirdly, though, my credit card company issued me a new card with no proof whatsoever – which made me a bit nervous!
Kady
I had the same problem at my old firm! They were very absolute that they had to use the name on my SS card. Is this a lawyer thing? Since this happened, I’ve always wondered about the women who are able to use their maiden name professionally.
NYC
I just assumed they did not change their name on the formal paperwork, but send out personal correspondence with their married name.
Emily I
I use my maiden name as my middle name and my husband’s name as my last name. This is, in fact, what I changed my name to with SS just after I got married, but when I started with my firm (long after I’d been married), they were completely willing to defer to whatever name I wanted to use. (There were questions about whether I used my middle name professionally – I do – and whether I hyphenate – I don’t.)
lawyerette
I understood that to be a lawyer thing, but as it was explained to me: your name that you’re representing to clients has to be the same name as in your license, so you’d have to wait till even longer than the SS card change. The idea is that clients/opposing counsel should not look you up in the firm website or from an email and then try to find you in the bar rolls of a state and be unable to do so. Of course if we all just signed with our bar numbers that would be avoided.
Eponine
@lawyerette – That’s weird. I go by a nickname, always have, and only my nickname is on my firm bio and my email signature. No one’s ever made a fuss. Maybe the rules vary by state? My law license, of course, is in my full name.
alhambra
I don’t know if this matters, but if someone I knew professionally, but not personally, suddenly had a last-name change, I would assume she got married and not think about it again. If I knew her well, I would know that she got divorced. And if I somehow knew that she was already married but didn’t know her well enough to know for sure that she got divorced, I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking. I don’t think you’ll get a lot of “what happened??” inquiries.
cbackson
Personally, I never ask when I see these notices, but I have gotten a lot of questions as I’ve started changing my name socially (like at church, orgs I’m on the board of, clubs, etc.).
Anon
No, but you will get smart-ass young men trying to ask a lot of nosy backhanded questions to figure out exactly what is going on. I witnessed this sort of exchange between two co-workers – I have never wanted to trip someone more in my life… =)
Anon in NY
Perhaps its also best to send out a quick email to colleagues and clients advising them of a change to your contact information and listing your new name, email, etc. I actually did this after I got married and changed my name because I’m fairly private and preferred not to be terribly showy about my marriage/get asked for pictures/loads of congratulations/etc.
That being said, because I was so neutral about the announcement, co-workers who didn’t know me well though I may have gotten divorced. But either way, I didn’t get any personal comments beyond a “thanks for the update”.
Two cents
A summer associate at my firm changed their name and I made the mistake of congratulating them on their marriage. Turns out it was a divorce. I learned not to make that mistake again. I do think a lot of people notice when someone changes their name.
Lyssa
Quick threadjack: Arguments for a big deal Motion for Summary Judgment tomorrow. It’ll be my first real adversarial big time oral argument experience.
The really important question: Should I wear my hair up or down? (Longish red hair, mostly straight (I straighten it when I want to look extra polished), layers. Up would most likely be in a twist with a clip (I know that people hate plastic clips, but it’s the only consistent way I’ve found to do an updo without it being too fragile). I’ll be in a charcoal skirt suit with a button down shirt.
anon-ny
Do you have any tendency at all to fiddle with your hair? For this reason alone I almost always wear my hair up for any type of oral argument or presentation since I find it distracting to have my hair in my face and once I start tucking it behind my ears, I will generally repeat this unconsciously as a nervous tic.
And my feeling on hair clips is as long as it blends into your hair, looks professional and isn’t distracting, I don’t understand the problem with a plastic clip.
RR
Up. Out of your face and out of your thoughts. I always end up regretting not pulling my hair back for arguments. I don’t know a judge who would care what my hair looked like, but they would be distracted if it’s in my face everytime I look down at my notes (which you will be doing on occasion, and which leads to the inevitable fixing when you straighten back up).
Jay
Can you do half pulled back?
TAH
I always wear mine down, because I’m more comfortable that way. If you are more comfortable one way or the other, I would suggest that you go with that option. The judges won’t care if it’s up or down, as long as it’s neat.
Best of luck.
Lyssa
I could, but I always feel like that looks really young on me (and draws attention to my not so small forehead!), so I usually avoid it.
JL
I sometimes get flushed on my ears and neck when I get nervous, so for that reason I generally leave it down when I am doing any type of formal speaking.
Lyssa
You know, come to think of it, I clerked for the judge in question, and wore my hair up for both interviews. I should definitely go with that. Thanks!
SF Bay Associate
Your hair sounds beautiful, btw. Ever since I read Anne of Green Gables, I’ve longed for fabulous red hair, but it wouldn’t suit my complexion, sad to say.
anon-ny
I was married/divorced very young (still in college) and even then it was a huge hassel to make the change. I like the suggestions made above about doing it quickly/all at once rather than some gradual, drawn out process. I would also add that it might be easier to field questions about the change once you feel more emotionally stable. In other words, don’t make the name change professionally while you are still coping with the loss since a question about the change could inadvertently cause a welling up of emotion.
Finally, as far as the recommendations to keep the married name. I wouldn’t do it unless you have kids involved (and even then I might consider the change). I have never regretted returning to my maiden name and the fact that I have been single for about 15 years post-divorce makes me very happy I am not carrying around that name and the emotional baggage it holds. My aunt was married and divorced with no children about 25 years ago and never went back to her maiden name and she confessed when I was going through my divorce she sometimes regretted not making the change. Hers was complicated by the fact that her ethnicity obviously does not match the married name which she claimed was sometimes awkward post-divorce.
Best of luck weeding through this, time will make it easier/better.
law lady
Question:
If you go from
First-Maiden-Married or First-Married
to
First-Married-Maiden
won’t people assume you got married (your old last name is now your middle name)?
I think going this route almost invites people to congratulate you at a time when you may not be in the mood to clarify that it’s divorce not marriage that caused the name change. (Although I agree with the comment above suggesting that some divorce warrants congratulations!)
If I remember correctly, my mom just “ripped the bandaid” and went from
First-Married
to
First-Maiden
and if people asked, she explained that she was going by her maiden name again. Leaving the married name in the title as a middle name suggests to me that you want it noticed (as a newly married woman might of her maiden name).
Also, in the age of google (forwarding gmail accounts), facebook (has a feature for searching you by former last names), and linked-in etc. it is less likely that you will get “lost” with your name change.
Just my two cents… best of luck!
RR
The problem with this is that if people know her as “First Married,” then they may not recognize that she is the same person without a reference to the “Married” part. I like the First Maiden (formerly Married) suggestion.
EC
Exactly – I got married, and I’m having trouble reaching out to people I know professionally only. To deal with that problem, I decided to make my e-mail signature First (Maiden) Married, since I didn’t keep my maiden name (I hated it!). It also makes things like LinkedIn and Facebook more difficult, although those at least have a picture attached.
Nell Jean
My great aunt divorced her attorney husband years ago. She legally took her late father’s first and last name, her mother’s middle name with a creative spelling and the prefix Mrs. This was in the fifties when Mrs. was important socially. She instructed the family to call her by her new name, Terry. My mother said, “Terry Colquitt was my Grandpa and she is NOT my grandpa.” Mama never called her by that chosen name.
L
I would do First Maiden (formerly Married), then drop the parenthetical after 6 months or so.
This is kind of like how Facebook puts your former name in parentheses. I have several friends who got married and either took different names or combined names, and their profile (and email signatures) say First Married (Maiden).
Jay
I like this. First Married Maiden seems really odd and also inaccurate. If your email address is changing, I might put a tag in your email signature below your email address that says *Please note my new email address* so that it’s highlighted. Working with your IT department to get this right is often a hassle though (at least it was for me when I got married).
KD
Although I’ve just bitten the bullet and changed my name this week (I married last month), I must admit that the business of women changing their names can be tricky and awkward, especially in the event of divorce. My mother is in her third marriage and changed her name with each marriage, always keeping her maiden name as her middle name. She wasn’t in the business world, so she wasn’t approached by colleagues or clients about these changes, but it was certainly awkward for her during an already difficult time. As much as I love my husband and look at our relationship as “forever,” giving up the last name I’ve had for 30 years is difficult for me. In light of my mom’s marriage experiences, I (like most people) have some fear of divorce. It seems so unfair and antiquated that women who change their names announce their relationship status with every marriage or divorce. At the same time, it’s not something any of us is required to do; it’s the aftermath of a choice we made (when we never imagined the relationship not working out).
I feel like Debbie Downer. I think I’m going to have a funeral for my Maiden Name. Please bring lots of booze.
maine susan
In 1973 when my mother had been married for 30 years, I asked her about this name thing. She said FirstNameLastName is what I write on my checks, my name is FirstNameMaidenName. When I married in 1976 and when my sister married in 1981 we each kept our names. When I was divorced in 1985 I just kept my name. My son’s name is different but there’s never been any doubt he’s my kid. Had you asked me in 1976, I would have said I was the beginning of a wave of professional women keeping their names. It somehow didn’t turn out that way, but I still feel, like my mother did, that the name I was born with is my name.
lawyerette
Completely agree.
cbackson
“It seems so unfair and antiquated that women who change their names announce their relationship status with every marriage or divorce. ”
This. I know it was my choice, but for one thing, it’s a choice for which there’s a strong societal bias in one direction (changing your name), and I know that influenced my decision. And now that I’m facing a divorce, I do get angry that my former husband doesn’t have to explain this to all of his clients, colleagues, and acquaintances like I do.
t
California has an option for both men and women to change their last name, and I know of a couple that merged three letters from each of their last names for a new last name.
So things are changing :-)
Anonymous
technically, every state lets you do this.
legalicious07
OMG! I know a couple who did the same thing! Does the name sound like a body part?
Anonymous
I’m engaged and I will not be changing my last name. I’ve seen the FirstName MaidenName MarriedName thing a lot among acquaintances, and I think that works fairly elegantly in terms of putting people on notice and being able to be found, but I have a middle name already that is in my parents’ native language, and I don’t want to lose that by making my current last name into my middle name. (I suppose I could have four names, but for me that’s a bit cumbersome.)
I have to say I do get surprised when peers change their last names outright, just because it never occurred to me to do it or want to do it. It’s so funny, what you take as a given.
Louise
As a related topic, how many of you kept your family name after marriage? (The term “maiden name” bugs me.) I was born Louise H, always felt like Louise H, and continued to be Louise H.
I kept the H after my first marriage, which simplified things logistically when we divorced. (Nothing can simplify things emotionally, unfortunately.) While I don’t expect to have a second divorce, I didn’t change my name after my second marriage, either. Still H.
H happens to be fairly unique and is usually misspelled. First husband’s last name “J” was long, Norwegian, unique and even I misspelled it. All those extra vowels! Second husband’s last name “W” is extremely common and easy to spell. Louise W would be easier on a day-by-day basis, but I’m rather fond of H…
Andromeda
I kept mine, just as my mom kept hers. I would’ve been willing to change if my husband were also interested in changing to some third option, but wasn’t okay with one-sided changes. And in the end neither of us really had a name we gravitated toward or wanted to deal with the hassle.
My friends have done a fascinating range of last-name options, traditional and non.
k
Funny you say that, my husband and I did the third option. We would probably both keep the new name if we got divorced. I hadn’t really thought of it before, but I guess he would have a lot more explaining to do than I would if he wanted to switch back.
Name Keeper
I am a partner in a tiny 3 lawyer firm. Once my maiden name, impossible as it is to spell, was added to the firm’s name, the idea of changing my name seemed presposterous. Many people (at least 20, so I do understand) told me I should use my married name socially and my maiden name professionally when I married last year. It seemed inconceivable in terms of branding that ALL my social networking would be lost to the firm. And how do you write off social events if they actually are not likely to lead to name recognition for the firm? And, as someone else mentioned, I would not want to be a partner in a firm with my degrees on the wall (partly behind the door, but still) with a different last name. I was not sure until I was partner how I felt about changing – my mother didn’t – but after the partnership, the mere idea of it gave me an identity crisis. I think professional women should think about the future, and recognize that their name is a brand in the professional world, even if relatively new to it. You want your alumni recognition, and so on. Also, my husband is not the one who earned a partnership, so his name in gilt lettering just doesn’t quite hit the spot.
AS
I kept mine. I simply could not imagine going by any other name. I don’t care that our kids may have a different last name than I. In fact, my husband and I have discussed giving any boys my last name, and giving any girls his last name.
Hrm.
Won’t that cause confusion for the kids?
Jen L
I’ve never been married and I am not engaged, but I plan to keep my last name. I like my last name, even though it is commonly pronounced incorrectly. I don’t plan on having children, so I wouldn’t have to deal with children with a different last name than mine either.
AEK
Kept mine. It seemed to me that changing was an awful lot of effort, and could possibly have professional setbacks (not that I am a famous lawyer or anything, but I hope I have *some* professional reputation, or at least that said reputation could be discovered by others through minimal web research).
Basically I couldn’t think of a strong enough reason to alter the status quo, so I didn’t. If it was something both of us had to deal with, then I might have felt differently, but I just kept thinking “Why is this on me?”
Or, maybe if I hadn’t been in biglaw…where just finding time to get the dry cleaning is hard enough, let alone jumping through the bureaucracy of name-changing!
Janie
I kept mine, which was my mother’s “maiden” name as well – she had kept hers when marrying my father (but changed it when marrying my stepfather).
It annoys me when people ask how I feel about my kids having a different name than me – why do you assume they’ll have my husband’s name? I fully expect to split the kids last names 50/50 (or as close as possible) – girls with my last name, boys with his (with the other last name as a middle name).
TK1
Not only did I keep my last name, but my daughter has a different last name than myself and my husband (not her dad obviously), three last names in one household. I answer to all 3 names depending on who calls me, and I even use my husband’s name for things like Facebook. It seems like such a hassle that I should have to change my bank account, credit cards, working name etc.
Judith
I also kept my name. Mrs. HisLast is his mother, and I had no interest in taking the name. But I do use his last name for doing things like ordering online, since my last name is fairly unique and his is extremely common.
Not taking his last name, while giving the kids his last name, also means that when they call for Mrs. HisLast, it’s either spam or my kids’ school. No one else thinks of me with that last name.
And finally, when I was giving birth the baby was labelled First MyLast. My father kept that slip of paper, and is very attached to it. He had no boys, so his last last name is not going to be passed on.
Anonymous
Another name keeper here. My name is my name. I never felt the societal pressure on that point for some reason even though I come from a very male-dominated cultural background. Although my decision was already made, another influencing (confirming?) factor was that I had two hard-earned degrees that had my name on them. I was truly shocked when so many of my colleagues at law firms started getting married and changing their names. I didn’t know that societal pressure still existed or that these women weren’t interested in fighting it. But I guess it is there. It depends on your family background, spouse’s expectations, etc. The only time I have been troubled by having a different name from my husband and kids was when traveling. We just keep all the birth certificates/marriage certificate and make sure all of the reservations are made under the same name from start to finish.
Anon
Ok, ouch. I didn’t change my name because of “societal pressure” (or any other type of pressure for that matter). I changed my name to become part of a new family, a family with my husband. My maiden name is still part of my name and shows that I have kept that family, too. Frankly, I liked my maiden name better. I was one of only a handful in the world. With my married name, I’m one several thousand. However, using my first maiden married name, I am the ONLY one in the world. And that’s kinda cool.
cbackson
I definitely felt that pressure. It was amazing how many people felt free to say things like (after hearing that I was going to change it), “Oh, GOOD. I hate those girls who makes such a big deal about keeping their names” or “Good, I hate it when women won’t change their names.” Or the infuriating, “Oh, would your husband have let you keep it?”
And in retrospect, I do feel like that pressure influenced my decision. Not that it necessarily influenced yours, but there are definitely a lot of people with very strong opinions about this, and many of them aren’t shy about sharing them.
Janie
Ouch here too – if I don’t change my name my husband and I are suddenly less a family? Or my sister and I are less sisters because we had different last names?
Anon
Anon from 6:43 here. I certainly didn’t mean that I view married couples that don’t share a last name as part of a family. A number of my friends and relatives have chosen not to share a last name (whether the woman’s, the man’s, or a third option). I’m just saying, some of us don’t feel as though we “gave up something” or gave into “pressure” when we changed our last name. My mother changed her name. I always knew I would change mine when I got married. Everyone has the right to handle this decision in the way that feels right to them. I was just really hurt by the idea that I somehow kowtowing to the man or am less of an independent woman because I did take my husband’s last name.
Anon2
I think Anon was responding to Anonymous at 6:36’s condescension toward women who take their husband’s last name. I changed mine, for reasons like Anon. I could have kept mine if I wanted to, but I didn’t want to. Different strokes for different folks, and we could do without the judgment on all ends.
Agree with Anon at 6:43
I changed my name, and honestly I felt the societal pressure in the opposite direction — a number of women seemed upset with me that I chose to take his name. I wanted to have the same last name as my children, though, and — honestly — I find something sad about the aging women I know who still have names that connect them to their father’s family rather than their own. I know women who have gone on to write great books and achieve a lot of success, and something about it bugs me that their kids aren’t directly connected to that success. The kids will never be asked, “Oh, is SO-AND-SO YOUR mother? Wow.” And if the woman’s son or daughter achieves some success, the woman will have to brag about it to friends because it won’t be commonly known.
I was 32 when I was married, and I took stock of my life — had I done anything so notable that I wanted to hang on to my name? Degrees, publications, some professional accomplishments — but I honestly hope the best is yet to come. So I changed my family name.
Obviously I think the most equitable thing to do is for both partners to change their names into one new thing, but I wasn’t quite so fussy as that .
Judith
Speaking of societal pressures & attempting to lay a guilt trip on women who decide differently… there you are.
academicsocialite
Same for me – in that my husband wasn’t as keen on me changing my name as I was. He, rightly, thinks “Mrs. HusbandLastName” sounds like his mom, and his mom and I happen to have similar first names. But I really wanted to do it, and so he came around.
That said, historically it’s always been a patriachal system. I used to have my father’s last name, who has his father’s name, and on down the line. I’m thrilled that women in my generation are making personal choices about what they want, and don’t feel like there is any right or wrong answer. Yes, there are some frustrations that come along with taking either path, but I think those will dissapate as time goes on.
Personally, one of the reasons I changed my name was for the ritual transformation that comes with key life moments like marriage/partnership or having children. I just wanted to mark our public decision to start a family together with something more than a ring on my finger. Given that Western culture has so few ways to publically “mark” oneself, I decided to change my name. And should I ever have to change it back, then that too will signify an important (sad) milestone in my life. Red tape notwithstanding.
Also, both my husband and I come from similar ethnic backgrounds, although not from the same country, so I didn’t feel that I was giving up that part of my heritage. Just exchanged one essentially WASP-y name for another. :)
But again, such a personal decision. And I love my new name. It sounds nice to me.
Anonymous
I wanted to have the same last name as my children, too–and I do, and I did not change my name. There’s nothing legally that requires a child to take their father’s last name. And as an “aging woman” (yikes!) who still has a name that connects me to my father’s family, I’m proud of that, and I prefer that to a name that connects me to my husband’s father’s family. Neither choice connects you to your own family. That you do with actions, not titles.
gina
I always felt a little sad about that too [children having different names from their mothers], but my reaction takes an entirely different form – I always wonder why mothers are so willing to give their children the father’s last name instead of mother’s last name or both parents names.
LMN
This is rather harsh and condescending. I changed my name because I wanted to. I hated my maiden name, don’t speak to my father (whose name it was, too), my mother is remarried and doesn’t have my maiden name, I wanted my new family (ie my kid) to all have the same name (in part so I didn’t have to worry about documents when we travel) and because I am much more than my last name. I have degrees in my maiden name, too — I didn’t lose the knowledge or experience when I changed my name.
MHM
I kept my name, and am glad I did (for lots of reasons others have stated). I am curious the several references to documents/problems when you travel. My kids have a different last name, we travel a lot (sometimes just with me, not their dad), and I’ve never had any issue with “documents” because our names are different (they are 5 and 3). What problem is lurking that I don’t know about?
mamabear
>What problem is lurking that I don’t know about?
None, so far for me. My kids and I don’t share a last name and no official has ever questioned whether I was their mother.
lawyerette
I also kept my name but 99.5% of my friends did not (I’m a lawyer in my 30s). It was a surprise to me that everyone was so readily changing their names, and yes, to me it’s about societal pressure. I don’t get the “I’m a family if I change my name to my husband’s” thing. How many men are willing to change THEIR last name to yours to become a family? Mine didn’t want to do that, but also didn’t ask me to change mine. I floated a third option of a new made up last name to create our OWN family name but he didn’t like that (his name is one of a handful in the world). So I kept mine and he kept his, and we’re giving our kids both last names (without hyphen) like they do it many other countries.
Batgirl
I don’t plan on changing my name if I ever get married. I’ve gone 31 years with this name and it’s who I am. I like the idea of having the same last name, but I think there are too many factors weighing in the other direction for me. No judgment for those women who do take their husbands’ names, though. Just a personal decision. I do wonder how I’d feel about my children having their father’s last names. That seems more unfair to me than anything else–I may go the FirstName MyLastName HisLastName route for them. The only problem is that my last name is a common noun and would make for a weird middle name for a kid.
cbackson
I have another divorce – related question: does anyone have advice on how to sell one’s wedding/engagement rings? I’ve never tried to sell jewelry before, and internet searches yield many results that look kind of sketchy. Has anyone tried those services where they send you an envelope and you mail your jewelry in?
I’m not expecting to get much money (rings are platinum with pretty small stones), but even if it’s only a tiny fraction of the purchase price, it’s worth it to me not to have them hanging around the house. If I get $50, well, I’ll get a nice manicure.
Anon
Have you thought about ebay?
cbackson
Hm, I’ve never used eBay (as buyer or seller) before. I’d really like something that I can just do and have done pretty quickly – eBay seems like a fairly drawn out process (b/c it’s an auction), but maybe I’m wrong about that.
AIMS
I haven’t tried the services, but I can tell you that you would be getting roughly half of your money this way. Try something like http://midwestrefineries.com/ (no endorsement, just as a starting point) — what you are basically looking for is a smelter. Someone to whom the advertised companies sell your stuff & give you half of what they get.
Or try some local jewelers and see what they tell you. Look for someone reputable who does resales.
cbackson
Thanks – that’s a good idea.
Jen L
You might try contacting the store where the rings were originally purchased. My sister took jewelry she had received from her ex-boyfriend and was able to get 1/2 the price in store credit provided she spent some additional amount of money on a new piece.
Janie
Depending on how old your rings are, there are stores that buy/sell vintage/antique jewelry.
Anon
Would a pawn shop be better than ebay? I don’t know how they work, but at least you could just do it and be done with it. I have no idea how they work, but just thought it might be another option.
eaopm3
I have some experience with this. I ended up selling my wedding band via local newspaper classifieds. That was before Craigslist became popular. Most people want to see the ring in person, in front of a jeweler before they make a purchase. In my experience, it’s nearly impossible to sell this type of jewelry long-distance. I recommend Craigslist and only reply to the people that are willing to meet you in person at a jewelry store.
At first, I took the stone from me engagement ring and had it made into a necklace. (Think Elsa Peretti (sp) Diamonds by the yard style). Eventually, though, after I got into a serious relationship, it pained me to wear it. I ended up selling the stone and the metal from the necklace to an independent wholesale jeweler who gave me, literally double what any jewelry store or pawn shop offered to give me.
I highly recommend selling the pieces to a wholesaler in your area. You will definitely get the most out of them at that level.
Anon
My understanding is that you will get a better deal of you do a trade-in with a jeweler, but preferably a small jeweler that you have some connection to (ie, not the jewelry stores at the mall or big regional jewelry stores in your city). I would ask around for recommendations from friends and family for a jeweler, and shop around on trade-in value.
I’m also divorced, and FWIW, I took the diamond out of my engagement ring and had a jeweler turn it into a necklace pendant with little diamonds in a circle all around it. I love it and wear it all the time (I’m even wearing it today). Even though it’s sad that the marriage ended, I still like wearing the diamond as a connection to a very significant past part of my life.
On the other hand, one of my friends traded in her rings and got some gorgeous diamond earrings in exchange.
cbackson
Hm, do you think that jewelers are taking the trade-ins to re-sell or are they making them into something else? I like this idea (because I’d enjoy having other jewelry), but my rings, like a lot of platinum bands, are pretty scratched up and I have trouble imagining that they’d have much resale value as jewelry (rather than as raw materials).
Anon
I think they clean and reset diamonds (or sell the loose diamonds back to wholesalers), and sell the metals by weight to be melted down. Diamonds will retain more of their value on trade than the bands will, for sure. You could always get a quote on trade in value and see if it’s worth it.
mamabear
I have a good friend who did as Kat said, went from being Mary Smith to Mary Jones Smith and then started going by Mary Jones. Not only was she not keen on keeping her (insane) ex husband’s name, but in the time since they were married and she took his name, a young starlet came on the Hollywood scene with the same name (in this example, Mary Smith.) And she’d get those idiotic jokes, “Oh YOU’RE Mary Smith! You sure look different in the movies.” From men, of course. Blech.
Anyway, the First Maiden Married transitioning to First Maiden worked well for her. Her company was happy to give her two email addresses (mary.smith@employer.com and mary.jones@employer.com) so that people could reach her either way.
Texas
Here is a question related to this issue. How many of you had husbands who cared whether you changed your names. Mine did not, and in fact thought that it was kind of strange to change a name someone had their whole life. Changing my name was my idea. I wanted to do it because it made me think me, my husband and my stepson would be more of a family. Also, I like having the same name as my now 7 year old. That is totally me though, I make no judgment on anyone else and what they choose to do.
California
My soon-to-be fiance feels very strongly about it, and I think I will probably change it because it is not nearly as important to me to keep mine as it is to him for me to take his. He is cashing in a “please do this for me” chip, and I’ll save mine for something else later :).
The crux is that he has a dying last name, and a Jewish one to boot, and the reason the name is dying is much of his extended family was murdered in camps by the Nazis. My name is fairly common, and very not Jewish. So, I’m ok with switching names, even if I end up having to change back if we divorce, which we hopefully never will.
Also, my paranoid self thinks it will be hard enough to be accepted as a member of the Jewish community with children being raised Jewish if I haven’t officially converted, but I think it will be even harder if my husband and children have the Jewish last name, and I have an obviously non-Jewish one. Does anyone have any experience on changing last names partially to be more easily accepted by the culture/religion you are marrying into?
Louise
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Jewishness of your children dependent on you converting? I had heard that if the mother isn’t Jewish, the kids aren’t really, either.
I seriously dated a Jewish boy in college, and this was pushed hard at me. It wasn’t THE deal breaker, but I remember it being a big deal.
California
Generally, you are correct. As far as I know from doing a lot of research on it, but I am certainly not from this culture and do not pretend to be an expert: the traditional way, still adhered to by the Orthodox and the Conservatives, and some Reform congregations, is that Jewishness hinges on the mother. Some Reform congregations consider the children Jewish if they are raised Jewish. Orthodox and Conservative rabbis will do a ketubah only between official Jews, but some Reform rabbis will do a ketubah if the couple promises to raise Jewish children. The Orthodox and Conservatives believe that a child’s Jewishness is established if the mother’s mother is officially Jewish, or the mother converts (and of course, what counts as conversion is a whole other debate) before she gives birth. And under the current rules in Israel, only if I did an Orthodox conversion would I and my children have right of return, though that is not something I am concerned about.
My SO is Reform, though he has Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox elements in his family. Conversion/”who is a Jew” is very much a big deal and something I struggle with. I figure I have at least until we start TTC to decide whether I want to go through official conversion, which takes about a year, since I probably don’t need to convert before we get married since we can find a rabbi who will do a ketubah without too much difficulty. And to keep this all somewhat on topic, that’s why I expect I’ll change my name before I officially adopt the religion, if I convert at all.
Anonymous
I do not see how your husband’s name is less “dying” if you do not take it, assuming it gets passed on to any kid you have.
As for your child’s religion, I do not believe any school of Judaism will recognize him or her as Jewish unless you convert, because the religion is tied to the mother’s religion. But you can convert before birth if you decide to.
lawyerette
My husband also has a “dying” last name, but he was ok with me not taking his. Our children will have his last name (and it will be passed on that way).
Ruth
Somewhat similar situation here: Bf is Jewish, I am not (and not willing to convert), children would be raised Jewish. Interestingly, bf believes that as an emancipated professional woman I should keep my name, while I’d prefer us having the same name and I wouldn’t mind changing mine. Taking his name would make mine sound really, really Jewish, while it’s sort of ambiguous right now. Sometimes I wonder whether it would be “wrong” or “cheating” to take such a name (silly, I know). I’m just glad I don’t have to decide anything yet. I know that having a Jewish family could be a problem if I don’t convert, but I’m too attached to my own religion to do that. At least his family is very accepting of me, so this isn’t an issue.
Judith
If you’re seriously attached to your religion, and your BF is seriously attached to his, you should have a very serious conversation about religion if you choose to have children. I’ve seen more marriages end in divorce as a result of one partner realizing that without baptism the kids are going to hell/without religious training they aren’t really part of the community/etc. than you’d believe. And those divorces can get ugly.
Anon for this
I changed my name and religion to better fit in with my husband’s culture/community. When we first got married, 10 years ago, it was very important to me that I fit in and be accepted as much as possible. I also really wanted to learn as much as I could about his culture and religion, particularly because he is from a country where there is much more regional diversity than what the western stereotypes suggest. In addition to changing my last name, I also informally changed my first name (this is a very, very old tradition in his community. I chose to do it, in part because I never really cared for my given name, but also because I wanted to be accepted). I am the only “outsider” in the entire (and I do mean, ENTIRE) family, and thus, I stick out no matter what my name is.
I can tell you that I am accepted by his family, but I wouldn’t say it’s because I did all of this. Rather, it’s because in doing all of this, I showed them that I was genuinely interested in their son – in his whole life – and not disinterested in the layers of his life that are not obvious/perceived by mainstream culture. Being interested in his whole life also meant being interested in them. This is a really hard concept to get across in a post, and I’m sure that I’m botching it! What I’m trying to say is that there are aspects to our lives that no one outside of our community would really know about, or even stop to think about. But these aspects are central to our married identity (and his individual identity). I definitely do not mean to suggest that calling yourself a member of a specific religion alone is central to your identity, but actually living it by preparing and eating the food, using the colloquialisms, understanding the childhood/world view references he grew up with.
10 years later, I’m glad that I did all of this, but I have eased back a little. It’s less important to me that I am accepted, because I honestly think that no matter what I do, I will always be the outsider. I’m accepted as much as I can be for someone who joined a new community. I expected reciprocity from his family (who do not live in the US) and our friends (who do live in the US), and didn’t get it. Looking back, this was probably the wrong expectation for me to have, and I was often disappointed. It doesn’t occur to them that they never really learned about my life pre-DH. They assume they already know all about it because I’m mainstream. In reality, our married identity has become a blend of both, and after so many years, I mostly forget that we straddle two cultures/religions. Whatever we’ve created is pretty seamless at this point.
Two cents
I’m assuming that your husband is South Asian? I certainly understand the idea of changing your last name, but the notion of changing a FIRST name has always appalled me. I’m Indian and it was very typical, about 30 years ago, for husbands to choose a new first name for their wife after marriage, particularly if there was already someone else in the family with the same first name (to avoid confusion). How did you go about explaining to friends/family that you changed your first name?
meme
I always hated that my mom had a different last name than me when I was a kid.
MNM
I was always fine with my mom having a different last name (= keeping her birth name), and I have never even considered taking on my future husband’s last name.
lawyerette
why?
Judith
It never bothered me that my mother kept hers. And it doesn’t seem to bother my young kids that we don’t share a last name. I’m curious why it bothered you.
AnonChi
Me too–it was always terrible as a kid to hear her on the phone saying, “Hi, this is Jane Doe, Mary Smith’s mother?”
At the same time, by virture of the fact that I have had to explain to people over, and over, and over again throughout my life “Yes, that is my mother, we just have different last names,” everyone I know has kind of assumed that I would keep my maiden name when I get married, and I have felt a lot of pressure to do so.
However, I do NOT want to have to introduce myself to my children’s teachers and their friends’ parents with an explanation. I also think having one name as a family unit (husband, wife, kids) is romantic. And, as someone else pointed out, whichever name I have going forward will be a man’s name anyway–why make such a big deal out of keeping a name that is simply my father’s instead of my husband’s?
Interestingly, before we ever talked about getting married my boyfriend was convinced that I would want to keep my last name, and this was something that he wasn’t thrilled about, as he is more “traditional.” He was shocked when we finally had the conversation, and I told him that I plan to do FirstName MaidenName MarriedName once I get married.
Finally–for my fellow Millenials out there–aren’t we supposed to be the “third-wave feminists”? If so, why do we have to make our personal lives into such “statements”? I know that I will be judged harshly by my mother and my sister when I finally do change my name, but I feel that the real benefit of being a woman today is being able to have the choice to do what we want without being judged by others for that choice.
Anon2
This.
KD[P]
We discussed it briefly before I decided to change mine to his:
“R, do you care if I change my name or not?”
R: “I’m not going to ask you to change your name. I wouldn’t want to give mine up. My name is bad***.”
“But would you like it if I did it?”
R: “Of course, I would like it if we both had the same name.”
So I held my nose and jumped into the sea of red tape.
L
I kept my name when I got married 7 years ago and my husband still gives me crap about it–though now he jokes about it. Initially, though, he was pretty shocked that I wasn’t going to take his name; it just never occurred to him that I would keep mine. His big thing was what about the kids and having a different last name then me and I’ve always said that I will just explain that mommy lives in the 21st century where she has the right to choose what to do with her last name, just like you will.
AS
Maybe this will sound snarky, but – this is yet another reason not to change your name in the first place.
As for how it should be handled, I think you just change your name 100%. People will assume one of two things: that you got married, or that you got divorced. You could put your former last name in parentheses after your “new” maiden name, but at some point you’ll just have to deal with the questions and bite the bullet. I am a big believer in doing the painful things ASAP, so that’s my take on the matter.
Laura
A woman I knew went to go change her name upon marriage and had several divorced women there say “don’t bother, honey, you’ll just be here again to change it back.” Definitely not an encouraging thing when you’re just married!
Annie
What do people think about switching to a different last name?
I am getting married soon, and I do not plan on taking fiance’s name. He knows and is okay with this. But I have never really liked my last name and would actually like to take my mom’s maiden name, which I think sounds much better with my last name. I know I should have done this in law school. Would it be too weird to use the occasion of my upcoming nuptials to change my last name to something new and let people assume it’s my married name??? How do I explain my decision?
FYI: I asked the fiance, and he thinks it’s really weird, but doesn’t care. There’s no way he would change his last name to a new one together, so that’s out, too.
C
No.
Bridget
Honestly, it is weird. And when people figure it out (and they will), they will think it is “good cocktail party conversation” — when you are and aren’t around.
This is not to discourage you necessarily! I’m a firm believer that you should do what makes you happy. But since you asked …
You will end up answering many questions about it. You can tell people the reasons if you want, but a very simple way to avoid questions would be simply to say “It’s my mother’s maiden name, and I’m using it for personal reasons.” The vast majority of people won’t pry upon hearing the “personal” point. But I think this might have the downside of people’s assuming you’re making a conscious choice to dissociate from your father — are you okay with that?
Annie
Thanks for your thoughtfulness and honesty!
operaghost
Ummm I don’t know if you can legally do that… usually the state makes you jump through a ton of hoops if you want to change your name, UNLESS the name change is because of marriage/divorce and you are changing your name to a married name. I don’t think you can just change it to “Susie Skywalker” or whatever because its a cool last name.
lawyerette
Of course you can change your name! You can change your name to whatever you want (actually with limitations, I remember hearing about a case overseas where someone wanted a profane word to be their name and the court wouldn’t allow it).
You will have to pay some fees (sometimes these are waived when you are changing because of marriage) and yes, it is more of a hassle (you might have to show up to court and explain why you want to change the name) but you are perfectly legally entitled to change your name (first and last too).
Different Annie
For those who don’t follow the NFL closely, there is a pretty famous example of someone who changed his last name essentially because he thought it sounded cool–Chad Ochocinco (formerly Johnson). He wears #85 and wanted Ochocinco on the back of his jersey, but the NFL only allows players to wear their legal last name. So he had it legally changed to Ochocinco. Granted, an NFL player has more resources than us Corporette readers that he can pay to jump through any hoops (or have his rep jump for him), but my point is that it’s certainly possible for someone to change their last name to something just because they think it sounds cool.
If you care to know more detail, I think he also did this as part of a marketing strategy, and not just because it sounded cool. But that doesn’t really change the analysis.
Different Annie
Ha–right around the time I post this, Fox Sports reports that he wants to go back to Johnson. Sorry if this is completely uninteresting to the non-football fans :)
lawyerette
To answer your other question, I don’t think it’s that weird. And I don’t think you need to explain your decision too much other than to simply say it. Remember you’ll have to change your license and diplomas and the like though, but do it if this is what you want. It seems like a great time to do so.
Anon23
You don’t have to change your diplomas. My diplomas are still my diplomas even if they have my maiden name. I have two actually and one is in my maiden and one is in my married name. Both hang on my office wall. I don’t think it is that weird.
Different Annie
Thank you! I’m not married or even dating someone that I see marriage in the near future, but I’ve always planned on taking my husband’s name if/when marriage happens (and not due to “societal pressure”–I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions). That personal decision does nothing to diminish what I did to earn my 3 degrees bearing my current name, just like a woman who opts not to taking her husband’s name does nothing to diminish their status as a family.
Kaye
At least in the states I”ve looked into, you can’t use marriage to change a name to a random one – it has to be some combo of his and yours. You can always change your name though through a regular name-change process, and in that way you can change it to anything.
I don’t think it’s that weird, but be prepared to answer lots of questions!
Annie
Thanks everyone! I was a bit discouraged by the initial response I got from C: an oh so helpful “no,” with no explanation for such a strong response. But y’all raise some good points!
I like the explanation of “I am using it for personal reasons.” I think it would probably get some weird thoughts from people who find out, but my last name is so long and difficult to spell and say now that I ultimately feel like it might be affecting my career, even if it’s just from my end, subconsciously. No one in my family would be offended by this. So why not bite the bullet and just go through a year or two of discomfort for what I ultimately want?
PS: I know name change is slightly a hassle but in my state it’s really just a matter of paying a fee and showing up in court to make the application. Not hard at all and no one is ever denied their choice last name or first name or whatever else. Thanks again!
Senior lawyerette
When I got married for the first time, in early 1960s, no woman was keeping her own name. By marriage #3, 1971, I tried to use my own name, but no one would go along with it, so, de facto, it became “my first name” “husband’s last name. With my last marriage, my husband was so OK with my keeping my own name (to which I had returned) that during the very short time [2 weeks] when we were engaged, he introduced me as “the future” [my name].
Luckily, I was already back to my name by the time I was in law school, so my diploma and my admissions to practice show my name.
I’m a strong believer in women keeping their names. How do you track down any woman when you have no clue what name changes she may have gone through? We can’t avoid going through some changes, but that’s one we can avoid.
lawyerette
That is actually a huge issue for longitudinal research purposes. One of the many reasons women are undercounted in both medical and other studies.
Lefty lawyer
I married in my teens almost 40 years ago and moved to my husband’s home country. I felt that taking his name would be more socially acceptable in his country, I had no “public identity” yet, and anyway I liked his name better than my birth name. Using both was not an option since his name was already hyphenated due to a feminist ancestor! When we divorced about 10 years later I was a practicing lawyer building a reputation and felt that it would be counterproductive to change my name to a name that no one had ever heard before. The divorce was amicable, few people knew my husband, and the name is quite distinctive. So I kept it, despite remarrying 20 years ago, and never regretted it.
Batgirl
My mother did the same thing (well, minus the moving to another country bit) and now my father’s new wife has kept her original name. Kind of funny that my mother has my father’s name and his new wife does not–though I don’t plan to take my husband’s name either.
Ellen
I will NEVER change my name after I get MARRIED, so that if I EVER get divorced, I will NOT have that problem. Even though I love Alan dearly, he has a very unusual name (Sheketovits), and my last name is much preferable to his (Barshevsky).
When we talk about this, he wanted me to change my name so I said how about YOU taking MY name, and he said no.
So we then said how about HYPENETING our names to become “Sheketovits-Barshevsky”, but I prefer “Barshevsky-Sheketovits”, but this would NOT be good for our children, as the SAT does not have this many spaces on their forms.
So it is JUST going to be Barshevsky for me, and Sheketovits for him. That way, if I ever catch him cheating, and divorce him, I will not have to get rid of his name.
Down with trolls
Barshevsky-Sheketovits LOL. At least there is no question now that Ellen is a troll or at least a troll is masquerading as Ellen! But Alan Sheketovits or whatever his name is sure is active as a troll on the ABA-type blogs!
doo doo do doo...
wow: http://ellenbarshevsky.blogspot.com/
doo doo do doo...
and: http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/ellen_has_her_own_blawg_after_being_banned_from_this_site/
Anoner
I just don’t even know what to say…..it’s so ELLEN.
JessC
That is just priceless.
Ru
WOW………the pricelessness is just stunning…..
academicsocialite
Oh Elan – this is just the best. Funnier than anything I could have come up with myself…
Anonymous
Thank jeebus for you. I was dying to know what you thought.
mary
as for changing names post-divorce, I would suggest a fast, clean break with the name. the divorce will be emotionally tiring enough, why drag out the name change?
I would just bit the bullet and make all changes at once. People may ask, but at least the asking will end shortly. making a slow shift / transition will mean answering pesky questions for months.
operaghost
Agree with this. I didn’t change my name for over a year after I got married because I thought it was going to be a HUGE deal professionally, but honestly no one cared. I got a handful of comments from people, but that was it. I would just drop using the married name altogether and avoid any awkward transition.
anon
I was divorced 8 years ago, but kept my ex’s name so it would be the same as my son. But, he just turned 18, and now that he’s out of high school, I’d really like to go back to my maiden name. Not looking forward to the paperwork and explanatons, though. But why should I keep someone else’s name for the rest of my life? I’d really encourage women getting married not to change their names.
Texas
Hey Ladies. I totally meant no offense by saying that I thought I would feel more like a family if we all had the same name. I really believe the last name thing is a personal descision and to each their own. My thought reflects my insecurity at acquiring a teenage stepson and really wanting to be a family. I have, of course, learned that what made us a family is not the name, but BEING a family. So to those of you who confidently kept your maiden names, I say bully!
Anon
My situation: married several years, never changed it. Never felt like doing paper work, had concerns about the identity thing but don’t think it’s too big a deal. Husband has always wanted me to change it, says he’d feel flattered and like we are a unit. He is otherwise very untraditional- this would be only concession, honestly he does more housework etc.- and a wonderful husband. I actually want to use his name instead- mine is more unique, his is common, and I like being able to be more anonymous (I hate being findable online, just a private type). I would also like for kids if we have them to have no confusion. Too many hyphens doesn’t play out generations later. Also my name is just my dad’s name, not some feminist thing, big deal. Though it is connected to my ethnic heritage. I am a professional so it would risk getting ‘lost’ to some but I’ve ‘managed’ to stay in touch with other people that change their names.
In a way I feel like it’s my ace card to play one day if there was something crappy put about me online or something to switch, once… I am thinking of making the change if/when I get pregnant but those months will be busy enough without new paperwork. Otherwise though it’d be weird to explain at work and to contacts. Open to ideas!
My husband has a cool idea: naming a son if we have one with his first name as my current last name. I love this and hope we get the chance to do it!
To the poster- I don’t like the idea of the interim double-name step- that seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Good luck and I hope you don’t get bothered by too many people.
For the jewelry poster- antique stores many would buy, though don’t know if that’d be best price.
Mez
Agree wit “Operaghost” – just change it, but leave your email the same so those ptofessional connections won’t be totally confused (changing emails is the WORST!).
AN
Never felt the need to change my last name after marriage – and after reading the comments/difficulties above, I am glad! I love my husband and he doesn’t care either way. In my case, the sheer hassle plus the fact that I didn’t feel ‘me’ with my husband’s family name were deterrents.
Mez
p.s.
got cut off there…
as someone undoubtedly much older than any of you other submitters, let me submit that “back in the day”, we DID change our names – and we did so because that’s what was “done”, and all our children and we “matched” with our husbands’ names. MUCH less paperwork. No hassle. No confusion. No la-di-da confusing hyphenated or different names no one at the children’s schools knew how to handle.
I’ve been divorced from my first husband for many years – using my first, maiden (that’s not my choice of word, btw – that was and is the “legal” term) and married names when sworn into the various bars of which I am a member. 3 names. First, middle/maiden, last/husband’s – because by marrying him we became a family – a joint effort. Passport, SS card, and driver’s license are all in that name and have been for years. Trust and guardianship documents as well. Recently, I remarried. Although I’m in no way attached to the name of a prior husband, there’s no way I’ll go through the incredible red tape mess of even trying to change names legally
( this time post-9/11 !!! Talk about complicating!) As they say in the NY TIMES, “she will retain her name professionally”. Business cards and internet addresses remain unchanged. But “socially” – amongst our friends et al – I’m known by my first name and my husband’s last name. If we’re a couple, we’re a couple – it’s easier and happier to use the same name. For a zillion reasons. But, like other similarly situated lawyers I know, I keep my “prior name” legally (but carry a copy of our marriage license with my passport.)
It works.
zee
Good luck! People have enough problems with my name which is First Birth1 Birth2, and people assume it’s First Birth Married and make comments about it. I didn’t take my husband’s last name, but people feel the need to tell me I should pick one, or hyphenate, or whatever. People’s names are nobody’s business! Sheesh.
ST - engr
I wanted to change my name when I got married, because I had romantacised ideas about door mats that said “Welcome to the Smith Home”. My maiden name is uncommon, but easy to spell and say. My husband is an immigrant and my married name is not. My preference would have been to drop my middle name and have First Maiden Married, but I have been called by my middle name since birth. I could not fathom the complications of droppng my first name and having Middle Maiden Married. So, I dropped my maiden name and took my husband’s last name. FWIW, I still haven’t gotten that welcome mat.
ML
I am getting divorced. I did take my husband’s last name, Lackey (what a winner there!) to replace an almost equally repugnant maiden name, “Camp!” I am thinking about changing my last name to “Lachey,” like Nick Lachey. It would go well with my (French) first name and give me a new identity independent of anyone else. :)
Elle
I’ve been married 20-ish years, have 2 teenaged kids, and never changed my name to my husband’s. My kids, their schools, and their friends have always been completely on-board with this. Tons of kids at school have Moms with different last names. Funny, none of my college friends changed their names when they got married either. (We’re all early 50’s.) A generational thing? Are younger women tending to change their names more than my generation?
Anon
Yes, it’s definitely a generational thing. I’m a middle-aged law firm partner who never changed my name after marriage (and also never had any problems raising a child with a different last name) and I’m surprised to see the assumption among younger women is now that every woman takes her husband’s last name. To the (older) poster above, suggesting that the name defines the quality of the marriage or, worse yet, the family life (!), that’s a pretty narrow minded view. Really, they’re just names!
cbackson
Not to mention that in many countries in this world, women don’t change their names on marriage. And I don’t think that those places have lower overall marital quality or crappier family life than we do.
AE
Right. This is the norm in Spanish speaking countries. The children get 2 last names, first the father’s father’s last name, then the mother’s father’s.
MelD
I don’t think it’s generational. I know plenty of women in their 20s-30s who did not take their husband’s last name. It may depend on a variety of factors, but I’ve certainly never experience an assumption that the wife will take the husband’s name.
MLT
I definitely agree it’s a generational thing. I’m 28, my mom is 53 and neither of us took our husband’s names. None of the female lawyers she works with changed their name either. However, all of my college and law school friends who have gotten married in the last five years have all changed their names without a second thought- and I have received MANY questions from friends and strangers on “why” I didn’t change my name. The first time I got that question I was completely taken aback- I thought that it was common enough that you could do either without raising an eyebrow. Apparently not. FYI, I also come from a culture where it is not the norm to take a man’s name upon marriage. Oh, and as someone who was raised in a (very intact) family with two different names- it was never a problem whatsoever. My siblings and I were never ostracized or even questioned about it- not an issue.
L
I think women of the 70’s generation felt it was more of an issue then–an assertion of our independence and women’s lib. And today, for better or worse, women take much of that for granted. I’m in my 30s and kept my name. I happen to be a feminist, but it was more that I’ve been this name my entire life and it just felt weird to one day not have the name I’ve always had. The fact that I had been with my now husband for well over 10 years before getting married may have played a role in my thinking too.
mamabear
I agree. I didn’t change my last name and my children have their father’s last name. The fact that my last name is different from my children’s last name has just never been a problem at their school. Many of their friends have different last names from their fathers, mothers or even siblings.
In hindsight, I kind of wish we had given my son my last name, as I’m from a family of all girls, and the last name in our branch of the family will die with me. (My sisters changed their names at marriage, both times for each of them.) At the time my son was born, it occurred to me, but I didn’t seriously consider it because I thought it would be important in school for him to have the same last name as his sister. Now I realize it really doesn’t matter. And though I slightly regret this, I have to mention that my husband regrets it even more. He regards it as unfair that both of our kids have his name. (He’s a keeper!)
Lawyer
My surname was changed as a teenager, and I have no particular affinity for either the old or the current one. I have no plans to get married, and I wonder if at my age and (non) marital status, it would be strange if I were to change it to something that I choose.
Nancy
After getting married, I changed my name for all things EXCEPT work. In my chosen corner of law, there are very few people with my last name and I work in a specialty area where I had built up name recognition prior to marriage.
The only confusion has been in making sure all business travel is made in my legal name to match my photo id (a big pain to carry an expired passport with my maiden name and a copy of my marriage license and explaining everything to TSA) and when I receive calls at work relating to home life asking for me by my married name.
Should there ever be a divorce (knock wood), my work name would be completely unafffected.
Babette
I divorced after 24 years of marriage and 15 years of law practice in a specialized field. My divorce was prior to the widespread use of internet search engines. Back then a major way to stay in touch was to be sure to send holiday cards to clients. I would have dropped out of sight professionally if I changed my name. My decision was nudged by the fact that my birth name is hard to spell or say, was introduced to the family by a stepgrandfather, that I had stacks and stacks of expensive letterhead, and had two children who shared married last name. I lost the letterhead anyway when partnership reconfigured, children are all grown up, and people could probably find me on LinkedIn after a name change — but after 30 years of practice – Let it be.
Sparrow
When I was about 16 and working as a lifeguard, the city pool inspector stopped by and inspected the facility. She was probably in her early 40s. At the end of the tour, she gave a business card to the other lifeguard and me. Her printed last name was COMPLETELY scratched out and ‘Jones’ was handwritten in blue ink. She saw us checking out the cards and said “Bad divorce!!” I don’t know whether that was a lesson to replace outdated business cards or to think twice about changing your name, but I got a kick out of it.
Senior lawyerette
As to rings – When my last husband [previous 3 are ex, he will always be my last] and I got married, we took our various wedding rings and had a jeweler/artist custom make our own matching wedding rings, which are quite beautiful, and are unique. The gold would not get much, no matter what its value as jewelry or as gold, because the buyers do just melt it down.
I had also responded to name change, don’t know what happened to that posting – my bottom line was that I’ve kept my last name.