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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I posted this last week in the Nordstrom Thanksgiving Sale roundup, but I'm featuring it again today because all seven colors look really great. I linked to the cobalt blue before, which was a very bright color, but this also comes in much more muted colors, if that's what you're looking for. It's available in sizes 2-12 for $90 full price, and it's well-reviewed at Nordstrom. Dolman Sleeve Wrap Midi Dress
Here's a plus-sized option.
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anonymous
Is it so hard to find affordable office clothes that do not have Polyester/Rayon/Nylon, etc.
Lynn
Yup. And maybe it’s just me, but eventually polyester/rayon starts to…smell. I wear deodorant, I swear! Maybe I’m washing it wrong?
Anonymous
Try the detergent aimed at tech/sportswear? Or vodka/alcohol spray the smelly parts, then wash as usual?
Anonymous
Yes – or the Nellies or Charlies. I’ve started using those detergents and spraying the pits with vodka as soon as I take the shirts off. Then wash whenever. It seems to be helping a ton.
Yup
EEEGADS! Is this a waste of vodka? Just worried about getting too attached to this method when the Russians take over. ;-P
Anonymous
Use the cheap stuff, or rubbing alcohol.
Anonymous
Let your stuff soak for a couple hours before washing. Makes a big difference.
PinkKeyboard
You can buy a drying rack that is layers of mesh shelving. It takes up space but works like a dream.
Nancy Raygun
Yep, you have to soak your stuff or whatever. I’m trying to switch to more Tencel and wool blends keep me from having to do a bunch of extra work to not smell.
Anonymous
Doesn’t that require dry cleaning? So expensive :(
Nancy Raygun
I don’t dry clean a damn thing. I just wash on delicate and lay it flat to dry.
Elnora
Sort of a stupid question, but where do you lay them out to dry them flat? The only reliably grease-free surfaces in my house are wooden, so my sweaters are all getting stretched out from hanging on the drying rack.
Eleanor
Lay a thick folded towel on your kitchen/dining table and put the item on that. Kind of a pain because you can only do one or two items at a time but it works. Flip halfway through. I use an old beach towel.
Sam
Wear an inner layer that’s cotton which covers your underarms?
EM
Concur. +1 million
Meredith Grey
Also the description of this dress says “true wrap style.” This reads to me: will fly all the way open if there’s a horizontal gust of wind. Hard pass.
lawsuited
It’s hard work to find clothes that don’t have polyester/rayon/nylon in them period, even forgetting about affordable.
COtoNY
Ehh, this looks a little too much like a robe to me.
Immediate TJ- Those of you who use shared laundry facilities (i.e. in your building’s common area)… how long do you wait before you remove someone’s clothing from the washer or dryer? Or do you just not do that, ever?
I get that its a privacy issue for some people for a stranger to be touching their laundry, but I also think it’s super inconsiderate to leave your stuff in the machine for more than 15-20 minutes after your cycle is done. I always ensure that I have my stuff out within 5 minutes, but I realize that people have kids/other things that might delay them. I wouldn’t mind even a little bit if someone removed my stuff. My building has about 40 apartments, 3 washers, and 2 dryers. What’s appropriate here?
June
I would take their laundry out after 5-10 minutes of it being finished and wouldn’t mind if someone did the same with my laundry. This was pretty much normal in the two apartment complexes I lived in in the DC area- one with probably 10 washing machines per 100s of units and another with 2 washers for 6 units.
NYNY
Five minutes is the standard grace period, but do be considerate and put the clothes in a clean place, either a table or rolling cart, if your laundry room has them.
When doing my laundry in our too-small shared laundry room – 4 washers and 4 dryers for 60 apartments – I always set an alarm to go back a few minutes before my machines finish.
COtoNY
Yea, this is what I do too.
Clearly the main issue is far too few machines. When I do take someone’s stuff out, I put it into one of those rolling baskets you see in laundry rooms– not somewhere gross. And I do usually end up waiting 30 minutes, which means going down to the basement 3 times, every 10 minutes, to make sure no one else gets to the newly emptied machine first.
I just think that, given the lack of machines in our building, people should assume that someone else is waiting for their machine and remove their stuff quickly, or realize it will be removed for them. My husband thinks I’m being rude, so I wanted to see what the general consensus was. Glad I’m not being totally rude by most of your standards.
Jitterbug
Exactly. When I do my stuff in the middle of the day, I generally figure there’s no one behind me, but I try to be timely anyway just in case. I only use one washer at a time, so that helps, and sometimes I go down to check on things and see if the other washer is being used as well.
Sydney Bristow
Same here. I give them 5 minutes. If I come down and it is done, I’ll wait about 5 minutes, which really adds up to more since I have no idea when it was done.
I’m neurotic about setting my timer so I’ll be there 2-3 minutes before my load is finished.
Amanda
Agreed – 5 min is what I have always used, and I make sure I’m down there before my stuff is finished. Also, agreed on being respectful of where I put people’s clothes – in a rolling basket if one is there or piled on the cleanest machine or table if there isn’t a basket.
Ellen
I had issue’s when I did my OWN laundry with peeople that took my stuff out of the washer and dryer when I did NOT get down there quick enough. At least 2 guys in the building stole my pantie’s too. FOOEY on them. So now I just have my cleaneing lady do my laundry and I make her stay down there while it is washing and drying so that no one can take my clotheing out or steal my panties. What is it with men and women’s panties anyway? FOOEY on them.
Anondc
I never do that just because people have done that to me and it pisses me off (they put my clothes in a dirty empty sink after not getting them for like 15 mins). I understand the frustration though. What I do now is wash my clothes in the morning or a time when there arent any clothes in the washer or dryer and make sure to get them within 5 mins of being done…But 3 washers and 2 dryers for 40 people…thats absurd. Maybe give it an hour and a half or so?
COtoNY
Well that’s just gross. The thing is, I have a weird work schedule so I’m doing laundry at like, 10am on a Monday. There are still too few machines. I can’t even imagine what people trying to do their laundry on Sunday have to deal with.
Nancy Raygun
An hour and a half seems like a long time. When I used a laundry room, I tried not to wash unless I was able to get my clothes out within a few minutes. Otherwise it doesn’t work to share the machines with so many people.
Sydney Bristow
An hour and a half? Unless I was sitting down there, I guarantee someone else will have removed them and started their own load and I’ll have to wait even longer since I lost my spot.
Anon
Yeah, hell no. No one has time to go down to the laundry room 5 times over 90 minutes to see if your stuff is out yet. Get it ASAP or deal with the consequences.
ollie
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I’ll take stuff out of the dryer if it’s been there for a while (15-20 minutes), but I generally won’t with the washer unless it’s been an hour or more – something about taking the wet clothes out feels ruder than dry clean clothes.
Once, in a previous building, I left clothes in the dryer for a few extra minutes, and when I came down to get them another girl was folding them so she could use the dryer. It was kinda weird, but also super considerate.
AIMS
5-10 min. is the standard grace period. I think if someone really cares that a stranger not touch their clothes, it’s on them to be there on time to remove them.
The two obvious caveats: you must be neat/put them in a clean place (every laundry room I’ve used had carts available) and you can only do this if the laundry room is actually crowded. I would never take out someone’s stuff just to use a machine in a better location if there is another one available.
CountC
Agree with the majority on the 5 – 1o minute grace period, 30 if you are feeling generous. Same to moving them to a clean and dry place. I always left my basket on top of the washer or dryer for that purpose.
Mrs. Bucket
If there’s a basket there, I do it as soon as it buzzes if the clothes are dry. If not, I’d wait 30 minutes to do it. I move the washer clothes to a basket as well. I probably wouldn’t move someone’s things to a shared basket type cart until it’s been 30 minutes though.
Jitterbug
Not sure if I have a standard grace period. Half an hour maybe. I don’t sweat moving wet clothes into an available dryer, if the person doesn’t want their stuff dried they can take it out but if they do it’s all there waiting for them. I’m a little more hesitant to take stuff out of the dryer since the only place I could put them would be on top of a washer. We don’t exactly have a “laundry room” with a table or anything, just two stacked dryers and two to-loading washers in the basement.
I try to be forgiving because I know stuff comes up when you’re doing your laundry, but especially during a busy time, hogging the machines is awful. And one time I had new neighbors move in, throw their stuff in a washer, and then left to run errands for 3 hours. And they were confused when their stuff wasn’t where they left it.
Out of curiosity, has anyone been caught doing this? I always worry someone’s gonna get really mad and start a fight with me if they catch me moving their stuff. Or wait in the basement to confront me.
COtoNY
Well this is my biggest concern, of course. I can pretend all day that I really care about the person’s feelings about their clothes, but what I’m really concerned about is being yelled at for touching someone’s stuff.
Anon
YES! This was over 10 years ago, in undergrad, but I’m still horrified by the time I was caught doing this. There were maybe 6 machines for the whole dorm, and I gave what I thought was a standard 5 minute grace period. (People had previously moved my stuff when I wasn’t right there to get it and I saw others do the same, so I didn’t think much of it.) I put it in a neat pile on the clean folding table in the laundry room since there were no baskets. The girl whose stuff I moved came down while I was doing this and was livid and actually screamed at me / tore the papers that I was reading out of my hands. I now understand that the issue was her (clearly some anger management stuff to work out!) but it was pretty traumatic and made me super nervous to do laundry in that building going forward.
On a related note, what is the protocol for hogging a washer to do multiple loads consecutively? I was once in a situation where the floor of my building had 1 washer/1 dryer and we were only allowed to use the machine on our floor. I saw that someone else’s washer cycle was about to finish, so I waited it out to put my stuff in there when it was done. The clothing owner came in just before the cycle ended with several additional cycles’ worth of clothing to wash. I explained that I was waiting for the washer, and she claimed priority since she was already using it (but had left no indication that she’d be using it for several more cycled after the first one ended). I let it go and waited until she was done with all of her cycles, but am still not sure who has the “right of way” in a situation like that.
Jitterbug
Hmmm . . .
In my building there are 2 washers, and I often do 2 loads in a row without thinking much of it, sometimes 3 when I’m doing my sheets (sometimes those are on a different day though), but I have seen someone do many loads in one day, hogging the machine for hours, and that was frustrating. I think 2 consecutive loads are fine, 3 if there doesn’t appear to be anyone waiting, but I probably wouldn’t do more than that. I’m not even sure why I’d need or want to do more than that in the same day, that’s so much laundry!
commenter
I think if I were in your shoes, I would have also just let it got, but I think you were probably in the right there. It’s pretty nervy to tell someone who is standing in front of the machine waiting that you have squatter’s rights over the continuous use of a shared machine.
Anonymous
Definitely don’t wait very long. A few minutes. I always put the wet (or dry) clothes in a clean area. Sometimes I even fold a few of the dry items.
What of course is not allowed is to stop a dryer early (that has happened to me when I was in grad school… not infrequently…) and sometimes if the clothes are still damp in the dryer I will try to avoid taking those out because I worry the owner will think I took them out too soon (when in fact they put in too few quarters to dry completely).
I would check into whether your building has an official policy (many do because this is such a common issue) and ask if they can hang it up in the laundry room. Or even make a flyer of your own and hang it up, as a reminder for people on both sides….. don’t leave laundry too long, and if you do, realize it will be taken out and placed in a clean place.
Anon
I wait 10 minutes and feel like that’s more than generous. The only person being inconsiderate is the one not getting their clothes promptly.
True story
Some rude guy once left his laundry in the dryer at my old apartment building. While I was taking it out and piling it on top of the dryer, he walked into the laundry room and caught me. I was mortified, but he was nice about it and introduced himself charmingly.
Now we have been married for fifteen years and he does all the laundry.
June
What a sweet story!!
Annoy Mousse
I wait a maximum of 5 minutes, then I take the clothes out. If there is no empty basket, I’ll pile them on top of a dryer. And it’s 5 minutes if I’m there to see the machine stop. If I enter the laundry room and the machine has already stopped, I’ll take the clothes out right away.
The way I look at it, waiting any longer than 5 minutes not only affects me, but everyone else who wants to do laundry that day. If I wait half an hour, then someone might come down while my clothes are still washing, whereas if I wait a few minutes and then do my laundry, I will be freeing up the machines faster. If everyone delayed 15 minutes before doing a load, in just 4 loads of laundry, things will be delayed by an hour.
If people really don’t want other people touching their clothes, they need to be in the laundry room when the machines stop. It’s the height of rudeness to tie up communal resources any longer than necessary.
And there was the time I took someone’s clothes out of the dryer and put them in a laundry basket that was on top of the dryer. They were still there a week later when I came to do laundry again. That’s one of the things that taught me to just move the clothes, and don’t delay too long in doing so.
anon
I’m wearing a black BR suit today. I don’t like black clothes much because I think they show dirt, lint, and such way faster than any other color except probably white. Am I just buying crappy quality clothes, or is this generally true across the board?
Anonymous
I think it depends on the fabric. Some of my black wool coats are covered with lint, and others are quite clean.
Is your laundry leaving a bunch of lint on your black clothes? I had this problem. It helps to add some vinegar to the rinse, add some lint balls in a garment bag and throw in with your clothes, make sure you use and clean the filter on your washer, and always wash the darks before the whites/towels etc…
Closet Redux
What is a good material for a heavier-weight winter robe? I would like to get my mom an upgrade to the robe she wears every morning which is made of terrycloth (with a Marriott “M” embroidered on it… wonder where she got it… HA!). Her current choice leads me to believe she likes something with a little weight to it. They live in a winter climate. I am not partial to fleece but otherwise have no idea what would be good since I am not a robe-wearer myself. Should I get her another terrycloth robe or is there an upgrade?
COtoNY
I have a flannel robe that I love for a few reasons: it’s 100% cotton, it’s a little heavier but not so heavy that I sweat if I put it on immediately after a shower, and as a bonus, the material has a lot of friction so it stays in place/stays tied (avoiding huge pet peeve with other robes). I got mine on amazon in a plaid.
lawsuited
+1 Flannel is the way to go.
EB0220
I have a nice terrycloth robe from LL Bean. It’s heavy and you can embroider her initials on it. Although maybe she likes “M” for mom.
AIMS
One thing to be mindful of is length. My mom is a big robe wearer and she HATES robes that come up to short (mid calf). Check out the length on your mom’s current one. And I’d go for terry cloth if that’s what she likes. Fleece tends to get ratty pretty quickly.
lost academic
The terry cloth ones start and stay rougher though to actual feel (IMHO) than the fleece ones. My 12+ year old fleece robe from Old Navy is terribly beaten but my husband unfortunately got me a monogrammed terrycloth one from LLBean… in white…. for a recent occasion. It’s relatively short and doesn’t close as comfortably as it ought, and it’s really pretty rough compared to fleece.
TorontoNewbie
I have a terrycloth one from Harry Rosen and it’s got a lot of really good weight to it. It’s their house brand, but it feels much nicer than the hotel ones!
Nancy Raygun
I get really cold, so I go for what is basically a wearable blanket (but not a snuggie–I’m not a monster). Mine is that soft fake-furry microfiber stuff. It washes well.
anon anon armani
+1 Macys has had some very pretty mid calf and full length robes in this “microfiber stuff” they are soft and plush.
Anonymous
Nordstrom carries Carole Hochman line that includes warm quilted robes that are not made of fleece or terrycloth. I gave one to my mom and she is happy with it.
I have a thick terrycloth robe but never wear it because the wrap-and-belt is awkward and it’s very heavy. It’s just not working with my morning routine. If my lifestyle were more leisurely, it might have worked better. I gave up and bought a long (on me) zippered fleece garment that is warm, light, and does not fall open when it shouldn’t.
Anon.
My mom has a fleece robe from Lands End she calls her “best friend” in winter. Highly recommend.
clicker
Bloomingdales has Ugg Robes and they are PHENOMENAL. I have the Duffield and it is so luxurious and soft with long comfy sleeves and soft material. HIGHLY recommend.
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/ugg-australia-duffield-robe?ID=1618868
LawDawg
Please don’t assume that what she has is what she wants in a new robe. I have had old things that I continue to use because…hey they are here already. When in reality, I would like something different (shorter, lighter, etc.). There are some good suggestions above. My only concern was with how you phrased what was needed.
Beth
I have so many opinions on robes!
I am a heavy terry cloth fan, because input my rob in after i shower and wander around in my undies. I am tall and got a men’s small from brooks brothers ~2005 and it still looks and feels great. Super heavy weight, nice and long, very absorbent.
I also have a flannel robe that I wear bumming around the house on weekends before showering. I don’t like this robe post-shower, just as I don’t like the terry cloth for snuggling with coffee and watching the news. This too is a men’s robe, but from LL bean.
Senior Attorney
Also check to see if her current robe has lapels. I HATE lapels on a robe because I have a short neck and they just get in the way, so I like a true kimon-style robe with no lapels. If her current robe doesn’t have lapels, it’s because she doesn’t want lapels.
And I vote for heavy terry cloth.
NYNY
For years, I’ve dreamed of having a black silk blouse printed with small white stars. Many of my imaginary clothes never come into existence, but this seems to be the year for the star blouse. Which would you choose?
http://www.tibi.com/shop/sale/tops/estrella-printed-silk-blouse
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/theory-sunaya-nc-starry-print-silk-blouse/4457181?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK%2F%20IVORY
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/lagence-margaret-star-print-silk-blouse/4487457?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK%2F%20IVORY
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/kate-moss-for-equipment-signature-print-tie-neck-silk-blouse/4368788?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=TRUE%20BLACK
Amelia Bedelia
Theory. hands down.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
the first one is great!
An
The Tibi is the best.
Anonymous
The tibi looks WAY more expensive than the others (I don’t like the kate moss one), and for that price, I think you should go with the tibi.
ELS
+1. If I had not just done a ton of shopping for myself, I’d be buying the Tibi blouse in white. Love it.
Anonymous
Tibi hands down
Bonnie
Love the Tibi option. I like the print of the Theory but am over sheer shirts.
Baconpancakes
The Tibi wouldn’t be my choice because I hate shirts with bows, but it looks nicest. I like the L’Agence print best but the pockets and cut look very sloppy.
lsw
Tibi 100%
NYNY
I’m thinking the Tibi is it. I was a little put off by the “final sale” status, but I’m ready to pull the trigger. Thanks!
Bonnie
It’s sold at other stores where it’s not final sale. Check ShopStyle dot com.
Ariadne
I know my reply is off topic, but I often think of my “imaginary clothes,”and then I learned of a site called spoonflower– they print fabrics (including silk) with any custom design you desire. I have a vision for various scarves, and maybe even a blouse made by a seamstress…your post made me think I should actually try this until my I can find my imaginary clothes!
semi-regular going anon
My last boyfriend and I met in grad school and eventually we got engaged and planned on getting married once grad school was finished.
We had an issue about where to have three wedding. I was born in NYC and always only lived here, and all my family from both sides either lived in NYC or elsewhere in NY state not far from NYC. He was born and raised in Wyoming and left after high school to come to NYC for his undergrad and grad school. His whole family from both sides was back in Wyoming.
I had really liked a few different venues in NYC but he wanted to get married back in Wyoming. His argument was that my family could easily afford to travel there for the wedding (which was true) while no one in his family could afford to travel to NYC and we would have to help his parents and brothers afford the travel but couldn’t afford to foot the bill for his whole family. The only venues in Wyoming where he wanted to get married were small churches and either a high school gym or Legion hall for the reception.
We ended up breaking up over it. He went back to Wyoming after living in NYC for seven years and we haven’t had contact since he left. That was just over five years ago. Yesterday I saw a picture from his wedding because a classmate from our grad school was tagged in it. My ex started dating a girl as soon as he got back to Wyoming and they got married this month on their five year anniversary. She is from Wyoming and is a veteran who was also out of the state for seven years during her time in the service. They were both just returned when they met. The reception was in the same high school gym he wanted us to have ours in. Everyone looks so happy in the picture.
Seeing the picture was emotional. Not because I’m upset that he got married, we weren’t right for each other and I don’t begrudge them being happy. It’s for myself. I realized that I haven’t been on a date since we broke up. After the break up I found a great job and I’ve been really focused on work to the point where I haven’t even thought about a relationship. But seeing that picture made me feel lonely. I turned 30 this year.
Thanks for letting me vent. I’ve been a bit emotional since yesterday.
Anonymous
Internet hugs. You’re gonna be allright!
semi-regular going anon
Where to have *the* wedding
semi-regular going anon
Also, *last* month not *this* month. I forgot that it is December now :/
Anne Shirley
*hugs* It’s hard but it’ll be ok. Maybe now is the time to start dating again, even if you’re not looking for a serious relationship, just to meet people again
Anonymous
Why would anyone have a wedding reception in a high school gymnasium?
Anonymous
Because in small towns in rural areas, it might be the only option!
Anonymous
Especially if the churches don’t have an attached Parish Hall. Then it’s either the school gym or the Elks/Moose/Other antlered clubs.
#smalltownlife.
Gwenneth
It’s time that you pop your very small bubble.
Skbsc
Why so confrontational?
Anonymous
Well, the original comment (“why would anyone have a wedding reception in a high school gym?”) was pretty snide. To a really large segment of America, having a reception in a high school gym is normal and if you’re horrified by that, then yeah you do need to get out of your bubble.
Anon
Yo, this is one of those first-name-only-username trolls. Ignore.
anon
I don’t think that’s troll-y at all. The comment displayed incredulity at “anyone” who would have a wedding reception in a high school gym. Whoever wrote that has a very small bubble that does need to be popped. Gym receptions are very common in middle America.
Gwenneth *Paltrow*
No, I’m not a troll. You really can’t win around here with a name. Going with some version of “Anonymous” makes a poster one of those trolls who refuses to use a name that identifies her by ten years of posting history that signals some sort of authority in these parts OR a poster choosse a random name is one of “those first name only username trolls.” So I guess going by “Anon” makes you a troll’s troll?
Mehhh
I’d be relieved to go to a wedding reception in a gym. The next pinterest-perfect rustic barn reception that costs $74,000 to be charming and “original” and write things on tiny chalk boards and put flowers in mason jars may put me over the edge (I kid… mostly).
The older I get the more open I am to new and different experiences. Why not go to a reception in a gym? Why is that any weirder than having it in a barn?
workingmomz
hahaah lol
Anonymous
Seriously. Every wedding I’ve gone to in the last three years has been the exact same Pinterest-y, Style Me Pretty type affair. At least a wedding in a gym would be different.
Anonymous
Why not?
Walnut
I’ve been to lots of weddings in small town gyms, the county fairgrounds, city hall, etc. These venues seat a ton of people, are economical, are available, and sometimes even have air conditioning! For a large population of small town America, it’s the best option.
Also, fun fact, my high school senior prom was in the school cafeteria. I didn’t realize this was unusual until I moved to a larger metro.
Edna Mazur
Ours was in the gym and we were in an outer suburb of a decent sized metro area. Had no idea everyone’s wasn’t until I got to college.
Big Hair Don't Care
My mom’s home town has no traffic lights. My dad’s town is even smaller.
My cousins have had receptions at:
the parlors of a family friend who has a large antebellum fancy house in town (no A/C though)
parish hall of the Baptist church
parish hall at the Methodist church
a barn on actual farm
under tents
Most receptions are either potluck or involve a pig on a spit or some sort of BBQ + non-vegetarian “vegetables.” And only about 1/3 have alcohol.
And everyone’s very much OK with this.
Brunette Elle Woods
No one in my social circle would have a wedding in a high school gym. A Backyard or a park is more my style, but to each their own. My high school prom wasn’t even in the gym! I’m perfectly happy to stay in my bubble. Clearly getting married in a high school gym is not something the OP was on board with either.
Anon
I’m sorry – giving you a virtual hug! Maybe this was a sign youre ready for a relationship/ready to get back out there and want to focus more on your personal life now that youve got this great job?
It seems like you have a good balance between looking at this rationally/being emotional. Dont be harsh on yourself =)
workingmomz
Awe, of course this makes you feel some kind of way. Take care of yourself today and maybe do some online dating just to get yourself out there.
Kelly C.
Girl, you have to get out there. Take this as a sign to try something new. Set up some “dates” with friends. Maybe join Match.com or put the word with people that you might be looking for someone. Do something new that isn’t work that will put you in front of new people.
Also, this was a really mature vent. You are happy for him to be happy and separated out your own feelings and why you were having them. That is awesome.
Nati
Yes, get out there but not on Match! Is anyone on Match anymore? Try Bumble or OkCupid. Just my $0.02.
Yup
High school gym? Ew. Also he’s going to live there now. You would have eventually had to discuss if you wanted to live there. No shame in taking your time. I am sure you know plenty of other single 30 year olds in NYC (meaning that’s not abnormal you know?). Social media sucks and is not a real representation of what’s going down. *hugs* *wine* Sorry you’re going through this but you have plenty of time to date. It’s not like the last 5 years were a waste just because he found someone. There’s probably not exactly a large dating pool there….
semi-regular going anon
Your reply was not helpful and you sound like a horrible person. While it’s true that I didn’t want to have my wedding reception in a high school gym you make an awful lot of assumptions in your post (that he would have asked me to live there eventually, that he settled for her and the happiness in the pictures were fake). You sound really stuck up.
anon
I’m not the person you’re responding to, but this comment was really unnecessary. You’re kidding yourself if you think he wouldn’t have asked you to move there for him. If someone can’t even bear to have their wedding in not-their-hometown, how do you think they’re going to feel about buying a house, or taking that dream promotion, or having kids, or when their parents start to get sick/age?
Anonymous
My husband is from Idaho and came to New York for college. I’m from New York. We have lived in NYC for our entire almost 20 year relationship and he has never once mentioned us moving there. He has said that he might have gone back if our relationship didn’t work out but since we married he is happy to stay here. If OP says he wouldn’t have asked her to move I believe her.
ELS
I’m not the OP, but Yup above was super snide.
I grew up in a city, prefer cities, but currently live in a small town with my husband for several reasons that i’m not getting into here. My issue is not that she assumes he would have wanted to live there eventually (maybe! Maybe that’s how it worked out without OP in the picture).
My issue is the utter disdain for things that are different from what most of the people in this board would choose. Saying “ew” about anyone’s WEDDING is really rude and uncalled for. It’s also uncalled for and unhelpful to insinuate, as the OP pointed out, that her ex settled, or had “limited options” and isn’t really happy.
In short, I don’t think the OP was out of line for responding, or that her comment was “really unnecessary.”
Blonde Lawyer
I had my wedding back in my small town because my relatives can’t travel (age, health, desire, money) and my husband’s family can travel and is scattered throughout the country anyway. I have no desire to ever move back to my home town. The wedding there was not at all indicative of our future. If aging parents need care, I will be moving them to me. Though “to me” isn’t big city either, just another state.
Anonymous
Um, where did Yup say that the happiness in the pictures was fake or that he settled for her?? All she said was that he would have eventually wanted to live there, and sorry but yeah, that’s a really big concern. It’s not snobbery to suggest that someone who has moved 2,000 miles away from their family and friends and the way they grew up might eventually want to go back, whether that’s from NYC to Wyoming or from Wyoming to NYC. I’m in my mid-30s and you’d be surprised at how many friends of mine moved back to their home states between the ages of 30 and 35. When you start having kids and your parents start getting frail, suddenly you really want to be close. Recognizing that fact doesn’t make you stuck up.
Anonymous
“Social media sucks and is not a real representation of what’s going down”
“There’s probably not exactly a large dating pool there”
I moved to New York from a small town in the Midwest for college and almost 15 years later I still live here and have never asked my husband to move back there.
Wildkitten
Being from a place and breaking an engagement over insisting on having your wedding in that place are different levels of place-attachment.
Yup
Okay fine. Jimmy Fallon’s ew bit has possibly infiltrated too much of my vernacular. To me it’s funny ew but I can see where it looks like Mean Girls ew now that I re-read this post. And I will clarify why ew, my very close family member is a gym teacher. I pictured that gym lighting, the gym smell, gym temperature, and echoing sound for music/DJ – AS COMPARED to a lovely NYC venue. I was backing you up, not trying to be snide at all. And yes, she’s a gym teacher in a small town but no they do not have weddings there. Sorry for Ellen caps and upsetting you. It truly wasn’t my intent.
As far as him moving back, I was trying to phrase it in a you dodged a bullet kind of way. He did move back there that’s why I assumed it would be in the picture at some point. If you didn’t want to get married there, I assumed you wouldn’t want to live there either. But you’re right I assumed. Maybe he wouldn’t have ever brought it up. I apologize.
I didn’t want you to be too hard on yourself for seeing someone else’s happiness because you went a different way than he did. I think we all know someone on social media that looks happy and is not and that’s all I meant by the post. I didn’t mean they aren’t happy or he settled. Rather social media can be upsetting but it’s not necessarily accurate.
semi-regular going anon
I’m sorry if it seemed like I was jumping all over you. My reply wasn’t the best. I apologize that. I shouldn’t have been harsh.
Thank you for your response and I really appreciate what you said. Truly.
I know we both wanted different things for our wedding and we were both attached to where we grew up for it. I’m happy he found someone. I hope I do as well.
Again I appreciate your kind thoughts.
HSAL
Yup, I love how mature you were coming back to explain further.
Meredith Grey
I want to give you a hug. I’m turning 30 this year, so weird things are being filtered through that for me a lot lately too. I hope it helps to hear that I think you sound really reasonable about it. It’d be bizarre to not have any feelings about seeing a picture like that, and it’s great that you are in a space now that you can turn inward and think about what you want to address and change in your own life. Keep going with that!
Libby
I never know if these things are helpful, but I spent most of my early/mid twenties in a relationship with a really great guy, but we ended up breaking up because we couldn’t agree to where we would live. A few days before my 30th birthday I found out he got married and was so happy. And I was happy for him, and unhapy at the same time, and was doubting my decisions. After a little bit of time I think finally able to let my residual feelings for him and our relationship go. I met my now husband two months later.
Beth
+1. I dated a guy for 5 years in college and after. We were having engagement talks and ended up breaking up – the last straw was that he asked me what I thought about him maybe taking a job overseas one day…and it turned out that he (a) already applied for it (b) was offered it and (c) was going to take it regardless of what I said.
He took it, I dumped him, he spent a year trying to convince me to make it work (from London). I didn’t date for a while and just moped. I met a guy through friends, we started hanging out, and it was soon 100% clear that London Guy was just not for me.
I ended up dating a bit, then went back to that initial rebound guy. Got married a few years later. That was a decade ago and we have a great life.
I am still in touch with London Guy (he’s also a fairly public figure now). He married someone that is a much better fit for him. Looking at their life, I know he is so, so happy and I know if that were me in his photos, I’d not be as happy as I could be. Same with me and DH: London Guy would not be happiest in our life and that’s OK.
So- you made the right call. Get out there. There is someone else.
Anonymous
Sounds like this was a wake up call that you may want to get back in relationship mode? Stuff like this, for me anyway, is always weird even when it happens on amicable terms.
Mrs. Jones
This is tough, so hugs to you. Turning 30 was hard for me. I suggest entering the dating world again. Good luck!
anon
I am from WY and it might be super coincidental but I think I grew up with your ex.
Frozen Peach
Just chiming in to say that I turned 30 in March, and so far I absolutely love it. It has really changed a lot of how I prioritize my time and relationships– I’m much faster to say no to things that drain me or aren’t important to me or mine. I feel so so glad to be out of my 20s. And I’ll also say, from a wide range of friend experiences, NYC is a difficult place to be a single woman looking for a male partner, for all kinds of reasons. Please don’t conclude that any shoddy early dating experiences are indicative of the whole situation across the country. That said, I send you lots of dating mojo!
Anonymous
Anyone have experience with Shoes of Prey they could share? Nordstrom reviews have mixed comments on the quality.
I typically buy Stuart weitzman to Sam Edelman type shoes… So looking for something that would fall into this admittedly broad range.
Anonymous
I’m wearing mine today. Plain black cap-toe flats. They don’t fit me quite right, so I don’t wear them often, but they feel like they would be very comfortable if they did fit. Can’t speak to how well they hold up, though.
SSJD
I bought a pair of Shoes of Prey through the Nordstrom channel. They are very pretty, and I get lots of compliments on them. They came with tons of cool accessories to wear inside the shoe to help adjust/perfect the fit. They also came with a spare pair of shoe laces. I was very impressed. I find them moderately comfortable–the leather is stiff and gives me blisters if I walk too far in the shoes. However, I’d say that the quality seems good. Not sure if it’s as high as Stuart Weitzman (only owned one pair of their shoes in my life and they were very expensive), but it seems appropriate for the cost. Have not had any problem with the shoes at all. Hope that helps.
AZCPA
I am…at least mildly obsessed with Shoes of Prey, and recommend them nearly anyone who is picky about shoes, or has harder to fit feet (the size range in both length and width is insane). The quality of all five pairs I own is excellent and they have held up very well. I don’t love their flats but their heels and boots and sandals all have a great fit. They also really stand behind their products. That being said, I order mine direct from the company online through their design tools – no clue if the ones through Nordstrom are different, but it appears they aren’t customizable, which is a huge part of the appeal.
Anonymous
A day late (but Thursday ended up being that kind of day), but thanks to all for sharing.
Surprised
A woman in my big four office elevator today was wearing pajama pants. She could have been for another company, but the other companies here are a bank, a law firm, and a real estate firm.
Anne Shirley
LOL! now that’s taking a comfortable commuting outfit to another level
Surprised
I mean today was one of those “why do i have to wear real clothes” mornings for me too, but I’m wearing a dress and leggings that look like tights and I figured that was as close as I could get.
anon
Maybe she’s sick but her jerk boss made her come in anyway so she’s wearing pajamas in protest.
Anonymous
Offices sometimes have “pajama days” around the holidays. My AmLaw 50 firm used to encourage staff and attorneys to wear pajamas to work on the last day before the four day Christmas weekend. Only a few people did, but we definitely got a memo saying we could wear pajamas to work.
Blonde Lawyer
Could be a client. I was in court once when someone’s client showed up in bright yellow spongebob square pants pajama pants. I always make it a point now to discuss with my clients how to dress for court even if I think they already know.
Yup
Um you guys don’t have pajama day at the office? Lame.
Maybe she was just coming in to pick something up while sick but…I am with you on that one.
Emmy See
Could she be going to the bank to make a deposit? Or is it a “backstage” sort of office where only employees go?
af dsadf s
Actually I didn’t think about this before – you need a badge to get access to these elevators and she didn’t seem to be with anyone, so it couldn’t even have been a client/friend/relative/etc!
Cat
Maybe she just pulled an all nighter at the firm…..
ponte python's flying circus
But what else was she wearing with the pants?
Surprised
I think it was a pajama top! But she was also wearing a winter coat so couldn’t really tell
Mrs. Jones
Recently I’ve had trouble telling apart pajama pants and wide-leg printed non-pajama pants. Note: I’m not a fashion genius.
Dating gal
I just started seeing a really great new guy. He’a hosting a party with his friends and he just invited me. I’m excited but also a little nervous and wondering if it’s too soon to meet his friends? We’ve been on two really amazing dates. The first one was long enough to easily have been 2 dates and the second one was also wonderful. We text everyday and so far I really like him. I should go to the party, I think….but I’m a little nervous. I think I would feel more comfortable if he and I got dinner before or something like that.
Fwiw, this guy and I met online. My last SO and I met in college so I’m just used to already knowing their friends.
An
Go! Why would it be too soon to meet his friends?
Anonymous
Just go to the party. Enjoy yourself, have fun, and don’t be like that girl in the Hes Just Not That Into You movie who assumes she is his girlfriend and plays hostess the whole time. You’re not his girlfriend, this likely isn’t a big deal to him, don’t make it into a whole big thing.
anon
Can you go to dinner with him before the party?
Em
I don’t know what type of party he is having, but there is no way I would have time to go out to dinner before I hosted a party, and our parties are low key with 10ish people and a lot of the time we do potluck style.
anon
Sorry that was unclear, I meant some day other than the party, not the day of the party.
Em
Oh yes, absolutely! That is actually really good advice. It sounds like the underlying issue is that OP is feeling insecure about her position with the guy, so an extra date before may help alleviate that.
workingmomz
He probably can’t have dinner before hosting, so go and have fun!
Jane
I met my husband online. Our first date was at a coffee shop for three hours. Our second date was at a park for another three hours. Our third date was his BFF’s 30th birthday party at a restaurant. It felt odd for a third date but it was fun. So I vote go with him!
ChiLaw
My now-husband invited me to a party with all his old high school friends when I had known him for about a week. I was a little nervous about it, but he pointed out that it was the type of party I would love (decorating cookies) and I could tell he did want to show me off a little, which felt nice, and that he wanted to show off his cool friends to me. And now we’re married, so if it was a mistake it wasn’t a big one!
Fishie
Ask if you can bring a friend. Easier to socialize when you have a buddy, and then you won’t be “that girl” stuck to his side all night.
Anon
+1000!!
Marshmallow
+10000
Anony
Yes, and try to make it your most outgoing friend – someone who will make you feel more comfortable talking to the whole group, not someone who you will stand in the corner talking exclusively with the whole time.
Calico
My third date with my now husband was a party he hosted. I already knew I really liked him and saw potential for a future with him. Meeting his lovely friends at the party only cemented that fact. Go for it!
Senior Attorney
Same here! Go and have fun!
Funny story: after we’d been out on maybe one or two casual dates, Lovely Husband called on Thursday evening and invited me to a dinner party at his house the following Saturday. I got there and it was a fabulous sit-down affair for ten with china, silver, and three course menu cooked by him. I assumed that his original date must have canceled and I was the backup, because nobody plans a sit-down dinner for ten with just three days’ notice. Which was fine, because I really liked him.
And of course I later found out that LH is totally that guy who plans a sit-down dinner for ten with just three days’ notice!
Anon
I met several of my now-husband’s good friends the same night that we met. Our fourth date was going out with my close friends. Our fifth date was me as his plus-one to his college friend’s wedding.
Go for it. He’s inviting you because he likes you and this is a good chance to meet his people and see him in the context of his community.
Brunette Elle Woods
Just go to the party and have fun. Try not to overthink it or put too much pressure on it.
semi-regular going anon for this
Career SOS — I’m risking outing myself, but…
I hate my job, and I don’t know how to fix the situation. I currently work in healthcare consulting, and I absolutely hate it. I thought it was a temporary rut, but I’ve become disillusioned with the industry as a whole. The hours and the stress are too much for me. Even if I’m not working through the weekend, my entire Sunday is consumed with dread for the upcoming week, and I feel like I’m just one more overwhelming task away from a panic attack. It’s been a long and winding path to get here that involved a lot of personal sacrifice and I was so proud of myself for landing this awesome job at such a respected firm. But now that I’m here, I’m miserable. I’ve worked for so long towards this, but I don’t know what else I can do now that I’ve discovered that it’s not for me.
Given that I joined this particular consulting firm just this year, I can’t just up and leave now, but I imagine a year is a respectable amount of time before interviewing again. In a few months, I plan to start seriously thinking about exit opportunities by doing informational interviews and position interviews where I can get them. For now, I want to start researching what jobs are out there so I can better focus my interview efforts, but I’m at a loss of where to start. At this point, I’m so burnt out that I’m not prioritizing intellectual stimulation – just a simple 9-5 (or 9-7 or 8-6…. anything relatively reasonable and predictable) job that deals with healthcare administration or patient advocacy, or something in healthcare that doesn’t require a science/medical degree (my degree is in health policy/economics).
I’ve seen so much thoughtful advice shared on this site, so I’m hoping I can receive some of that too.
If you have any suggestions for such jobs, please share! Even better if you can provide a salary range so that I can plan accordingly for what will likely be a salary decrease from my current position. Thank you in advance!
Anonymous
I imagine that your frustration is with the consulting, not with the healthcare per se. Have you considered working for the government in the area of policy and not necessarily healthcare? I realize that now it not the optimal time for such a move, but nothing would keep you from building a federal resume and applying for a few jobs.
I would also look at the open jobs in your firm that are not 100% consulting.
Marilla
+1 to getting into health policy, either in government or for a non-profit/research/advocacy org. If you are in Canada then look at provincial health ministries. You have a great background for it and while health ministries tend to be more stressful than some other policy shops, government work is still far better in terms of work/life balance than consulting firms.
semi-regular going anon for this
Thanks for the response! your comment about provincial health ministries in Canada makes me wonder if State health agencies could be an option in the US
Emmy See
You should definitely look into it! Also county health departments.
semi-regular going anon for this
Yes, I still have the interest in healthcare, but am completely disillusioned with consulting. I appreciate the thought of looking at non-consulting roles, but I think I’d be better off at another company… I don’t get the sense that my superiors in the consulting arm would be as supportive or willing to provide references because they’d see this kind of transition as a “cop out” from the challenges of consulting…
I also don’t think the stressful workload or crazy schedule would change as much I would expect/hope within the same company.
Federal govt seems like it could be fulfilling! I’ll have to look more into the different offices. Do you know anything about chances of getting hired if you don’t already know someone at the agency?
Anonymous
I am the Anon from 10am. Your chances of getting hired into the Fed are very slim if you don’t know someone in the organization, but you can remedy this by networking and specifically trying to meet Feds. You’ll need to step up your networking anyway – make it one of the focus areas.
Speaking of networking – would you want to work for the healthcare organizations you consulted for?
And yes, look at state level agencies too – they might not get so many drastic cuts/freezes as federal government, but the jobs might have worse pay and benefits.
Bewitched
I can’t follow exactly what your current job is, but in the AMC where I work, there are “department” administrators or “program directors” who make close to/in excess of 6 figures. The job requires an excellent working knowledge of accounting/finance, some HR, operational logistics etc. Maybe look into something similar?
NYNY
Come to the healthcare provider side! I have worked for both the physician and hospital side, and at least in my case, it’s way better working for a hospital from a support and work-life balance perspective. I’m a finance manager with a focus on denial prevention, and one of my top analysts came from healthcare consulting. I love how solid she is on project management from her consulting days.
Salary will vary based on where you are and how many years of experience you have. I can tell you that in NYC, a senior financial analyst can make in the $70-85K range easily, which may be a pay cut from consulting, but isn’t bad.
If you’re more interested in policy, look for positions in strategy, quality, or accountable care. Most large hospitals are moving into ACOs, and need bright, motivated people for newly-created positions.
If you need more info, especially if you’re in the NY area, share an anon email and I’m happy to reach out.
Marilla
This is a great option too. Or check out something like state/federal hospital associations or other medical associations (I’m thinking of equivalents to the Ontario Hospital Association and Ontario Medical Association since I’m in Ontario). OP, you have a fantastic background and there are definitely great roles out there that would be a good fit for you.
semi-regular going anon for this
Thanks everyone for the replies! Just the affirmation that there are less stressful but still rewarding jobs in healthcare has been valuable. I will be looking into your suggestions.
Bewitched – I’m not senior enough for a manager/director role just yet but that is definitely something to aspire to. Appreciate knowing that there are roles for non medical people in the administration side
NYNY – anon email is anon561313 at the google mail
Appreciate you being so willing to share your knowledge!
semi-regular going anon for this
I appreciate your suggestions as well, Marilla! I will look into those
(also love the username)
NYNY
Just sent you a message.
Anon
I work in this area but on the software side (I probably sell software to NYNY!). No technical or medical or financial education; ugrad in a hard science (totally unrelated) and grad in health policy. But I have worked in product development, strategy/M&A, and marketing.
ChiLaw
I know it’s a cliche at this point, but you might want to consider therapy as a tool to help you figure this out. When I have felt bogged down and frustrated and disappointed and completely overworked, it’s been harder for me to see paths out — I’ve felt stuck. I think even a few meetings with a bright therapist might help you see new ways out.
semi-regular going anon for this
I have thought about it. :) I have a friend who went through something similar a while back and she really liked her therapist, so I might make an appointment there
Anon
I’d love to network with you offline. My advice / thoughts will depend on what kind of consulting you do.
Generally speaking, I’d advise going to work for a client type company (not necessarily a client). I worked for a health IT vendors for a decade and there were often roles for which a recovering consultant would be a great fit. Probably a pay cut, but not too much depending on your level. Maybe a bunch of travel but it is much more predictable (same routes) and NOT MBB/Accenture/Deloitte level travel.
If you post an email I’ll reach out. I don’t have one but if I have a few minutes later I’ll make one up and post it.
semi-regular going anon for this
anon561313 at the google mail
The phrase “recovering consultant” really hits home…. when I finally leave, it truly will feel like a recovery
I so appreciate everyone’s willingness to offer their thoughts!
L& S Pearl
Question on the Pearl: The black nappa one is on sale for $148 and I’m debating getting it, but I want the saffiano one because they say it’s more durable. But I just can’t justify $248 for a cross body bag right now.
Can someone who has the nappa one comment on whether the leather has gotten scuffed/scratched? I plan on traveling with it inside my briefcase or carry-on so if it’s going to look junky pretty quickly, I’ll hold out until they put the saffiano one on sale. (It was marked down a few weeks ago and I forgot to order it then. Sigh.)
sombra
Just hold out for the saffiano. The sales are very regular and if you get their emails, you’ll know right away.
Marshmallow
I’m pretty sure I have the nappa one– it’s smooth and soft, no little crosshatch pattern. I have had it for only around 6 months-ish, but I love it and seems to be holding up well so far. I’ve traveled with it two or three times and it is my regular weekend purse. I don’t regularly stick it inside other bags, so I can’t attest to whether it would get scratched that way. I got mine on sale for around 40% off, and wouldn’t have paid full price for it, but I think for what I paid it is excellent quality.
AIMS
I have it in camel, I don’t take great care of it and it looks pretty good after a year of intermittent use. That said I don’t know that I like it. It just feels frumpy somehow and I can’t really fit that much into it without it looking bulky and more frumpy.
Scarlett
+1 – I have the same one and feel the same way. For me, it’s now a travel only bag and I still don’t like it.
big orange drink
I got it in camel in September and keep it in my big tote for work so it is rubbing up against other bags, shoes, whathaveyou. It still looks brand new. I love it, but I do agree with AIMS that it looks bulkier than expected when I try to put all the stuff it claims to hold inside. I usually am just carry my wallet, phone, keys and occasionally sunglasses and it is perfect for that.
Anonymous
Ditto to all of this – I have wondered if the saffiano would be better about not showing every bump from what I put into the bag.
soaps
I know you’re looking for comments about the nappa, but I have it in the saffiano for the reason Anonymous @ 2:27 is talking about. I didn’t want it to bulge if I had a lot of stuff.
I’ve had it about 6 months and it still looks new. I like it very much, but not quite as much as I wanted to like it. It doesn’t hold as much as I want it to as easily as I want.
L & S Pearl
You all are the best. Thank you!
Cb
A little victory this week that I wanted to share – I had a tough group of adult students this term. They were slow to warm up and seemed to want more lecture than I am used to / the course is designed for. I also had a older gentleman who liked to interrupt me and give me notes on things he didn’t agree with. We had our last session last night and they applauded at the end and all came up and thanked me, saying that they wanted to meet up in the spring and talk about things (I teach politics so it has been a busy/depressing/interesting term).
And to remind me that you win some, you lose some, I had to get out of the cab a few minutes from home because I thought I was going to be sick. (My morning sickness seems to be a midafternoon and evening sickness)
Marilla
Congratulations! That is an achievement to be proud of.
Morning/afternoon/evening/forever sickness is such a pain. Be kind to yourself and get lots of extra sleep if you can. I found carrying a water bottle or an apple juice box (with a tiny straw) and sipping slowly helped a lot, especially during morning rush hour on public transit.
Cb
Thanks! I went to the pharmacy at lunch and bought Seabands and weirdly, they seem to be helping. Public transport is the worst, I’ve been shattered in the am so coming in late this week (PhD student so no one cares) so the bus is less crowded.
lawsuited
If you’re throwing up a lot (I threw up 5-8 times a day and my morning sickness lasted until 19 weeks) talk to your OB about prescription medication! I was prescribed Diclectin at 14 week or so, and was so angry at myself for not asking sooner because it was the difference between “utter chaos” and “bearable”.
Sydney Bristow
Wait, did I miss the news that you’re pregnant? If so, congratulations!
Cb
Yes, pretty early but over the moon excited (when I don’t want to throw up or fall asleep at my desk)
Nelly Yuki
I missed it to! CONGRATS! – A friend from the FB group
Yup
Major props for teaching in this tough area right now! That’s so nice of them to clap and to feel appreciated in such a tough spot.
Boo about afternoon baby sickness. I am not a doctor but the current political environment could also perhaps result in nausea?
Anon For This
I saw a picture of my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend yesterday. I’m kinda freaking out. Not because I’m not over him but because even though I’ve been on a ton of dates since we broke up, basically none of them have turned into anything more than a first date.
All of my ex boyfriends have married the next girl they date after me and I just can’t figure out why everyone I date seems to get married and I just end up dating these terrible guys.
Plus it reminded me of a conversation my ex and I had while we were dating, when I commented how I was clearly not his type because all of his ex girlfriends looked similar, and I didn’t fit that physical profile. Surprise surprise, his new girlfriend fits that mold…
I just feel like a failure. And I hate myself for feeling like that….
Anonymous
You feel like a failure because you accidentally dated a shallow jerk for a while? It happens to us all. Why do you know anything about his life now? Keep purging!
Anonymous
+1 Why do we continue to torture ourselves this way by allowing pictures to pop up? There is a way to prevent this until you know you can handle the accidental tag sneaking through in the event you have mutual friends or whatever.
Anonymous
Wow I could have written this…Even down to the part about not fitting his physical type.
Emmer
Are all of your ex-bfs actually “terrible,” or did the relationship just not work out? Because if they are actually bad people, you need to do some self-reflection about how you can better filter out the awful people.
Anon For This
So my ex boyfriends are generally not terrible but the guys I end up meeting now and go on dates with (at least some of them) are pretty objectively terrible. I think this is just how it works now with online dating – it’s hard to filter out people before you meet them, and I’m trying to keep an open mind. The terrible ones don’t get second dates though!
Emmer
Ah, I see what you mean now. If the guys you end up in relationships are actually decent people and it just didn’t work out, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. I don’t think there’s any harm in changing up your dating strategy to see if you can get a different pool of guys to consider, but sometimes it just takes time.
Anonymous
It has nothing to do with you. Most people who marry get married in the mid-late 20s through to the mid-30s so most people you date who are inclined to get married, will get married within a few years of dating you.
Anon For This
This has been happening since I was 17 – I think I’m up to 5 or 6 exes.
My friends joke that the movie good luck chuck was modeled on me.
Could be worse?
At least you are dating guys who settle down. My 10 ex-boyfriends have either come out of the closet, continue to be single and serial date, and of course one hanged himself. Seriously. I had to make a chart. They have virtually nothing in common with each other either, from looks to habits to family structure. They seem normal at first then when it turns out they are not I end it. I go to therapy. And it’s a struggle for us to even figure out what I am doing wrong but what I have learned is to work on myself in anyway I can and be happy.
See it as motivation for finding the person that makes you happy, not that it’s hopeless and you are the last stop on the single town train to marriage.
Yup
So what if they get married after you. It doesn’t sound like you wanted to marry any of them. Let em have their stupid cake. At least you are married to some guy who doesn’t like you. NEXT!
Yup
aren’t married to some guy who doesn’t like you*
Pep
I wish I had good advice to offer.
Looking back at my dating life, I found I was often filling the role of the “good enough for now” girl. Of course, I didn’t know this until I was tossed over for the girl who would eventually become the wife.
Even my XH admitted that he didn’t consider our marriage “permanent” until we had kids. So when we received an adoption referral, he decided to cut and run rather than be locked into a marriage with me (and the new baby.)
There was a side chick. I didn’t know this until the divorce proceedings were underway. He’s married to her now.
I didn’t mean to hijack your thread, but it just brought back this memory and I wanted to spill it. Thanks for listening.
H
Wow! The marriage isn’t permanent until you have kids???? Good thing for you that one got away.
To the OP – you’re not a failure. It’s better you find out you’re not compatible with these people before you get married and have kids. The fact that your exes have married their next gf after you is no reflection on you; it’s just how it worked out for them.
Anonymous
I don’t think this is such a crazy thing to say – my parents have been happily married for almost 40 years and when I was growing up my mom always told me marriage was a lifetime commitment that was to be taken seriously and not rushed into, etc. But she also said things like “If you do marry someone believing you’ll be together forever and then you realize it’s not working out, you can leave…as long as you don’t have kids yet.” I definitely think you should go into marriage with the attitude that it’s forever, but I also think it becomes even more permanent when you have kids, and for a lot of people kids change their attitudes about divorce (see discussions below about people waiting until the kids are grown to divorce).
lawsuited
+ 1 I view divorce without children as a regular break up, and a divorce with children as a tragedy.
anon
Does LK Bennett ever go on sale? I’m seriously lusting after the suit Kat featured yesterday but idk if I can justify the expense.
AnonLondon
LK Bennett is one of the only brands I pay full sticker for because it seems like every time something goes on sale, it’s already sold out of everything except the smallest possible size. Does mean I only buy things I love though, and I do adore the pieces I have from there.
Bonnie
I’ve seen it on sale at Bloomingdales.
waffles
It does go on sale at the end of season. Subscribe to the email list, and you’ll get notification. I have picked up some great pieces at 50% or 75% off! I love that suit from yesterday too, but Kate has been wearing it for a few years now – not sure if it’s still available.
Anonymous
Yes they do! They have seasonal sales and annual sales. I’m not sure if everything goes on sale though…
Bonnie
Paging poster looking at Kitchenaid mixers. Target has the professional at $250 off today: http://www.target.com/p/kitchenaid-professional-5-qt-mixer/-/A-15840495
BabyAssociate
This is the one I have! That’s a great deal.
Sydney Bristow
It appears to be sold out already. Sadly. That is a great price!
Sydney Bristow
Ok I was wrong. It is coming in and out of stock online. I tried several times and wound up with it in my cart and was able to check out. Fingers crossed they don’t cancel it! Should have it before the end of the year.
Eleanor
I saw some on sale for $200 at Tuesday Morning a week or so ago. I don’t recall the model but it wasn’t the Mini.
Yup
I’ve had this on my wish list forever! Thanks for posting.
Anonymous
Is it rude to not have coffee available in the morning when you have overnight guests? My fiancé sister bought a house earlier this year and she Thanksgiving this year. Most of the family stayed the night. She doesn’t drink anything with caffeine so there was no coffeemaker or any kind of coffee in the house. My fiancé is from a small town in a very rural area and there was only one restaurant and one small grocer, both of which were not open for the day. We didn’t go shopping for black Friday but we did stuff like ice skating and chopping down Christmas trees for everyone. I love his family but it was really hard to get through the whole day without coffee, my fiancé and I couldn’t get coffee until we were driving back Saturday morning and the restaurant was open. If you are having adults spend the night should you not have coffee for them even if you don’t drink it? It’s not for a religious reason so I had no reason not to expect no coffee in the morning.
anon
This sounds ridiculous to me. I’m a non-coffee drinker. I should have a coffee maker and some grounds on hand for when people visit? I would consider it extra thoughtful to have this available, and I’d expect that if you really wanted it, you’d go out and buy yourself a cup. Unfortunate that nothing was open, but can’t you just bring a few packets of instant next time?
I get that it’s uncomfortable, but the extent that expect others to cater to their wishes seems excessive sometimes.
BabyAssociate
I would never expect someone to keep coffee in their house unless they actually drank coffee.
Tutti
I would never expect this.
Anonymous
No. It’s not rude. I don’t- I’m a tea drinker. In an ideal world Id love to be able to offer coffee, but I don’t have space for a coffee maker Id never use. Bring a packet of instant next time.
Anon in NYC
Yep. Starbucks instant coffee is actually decent.
Huh
I don’t drink coffee but I usually buy the Starbucks instant coffee packets when my dad comes to visit, and he really enjoys it. Also, my mom is a huge fan of Taster’s Choice.
Next time, bring a few packets of instant for yourself. As someone who doesn’t drink coffee, it would not have ocurred to me to mention to guests that I don’t have coffee (usually) at home. She wasn’t rude, she just doesn’t buy it and so it’s not on her radar.
Anon
Agree with “bring instant.” If not having coffee is really that disturbing, make arrangements to bring your own.
LondonLeisureYear
Although I consider myself a really really good host since I don’t drink coffee its not on my radar. I however have purchased a french press and some ground beans, and inform my guests its up to them to make it because its not my area of expertise. But I have the basics available.
I also think though, if you are a guest who has needs like only will eat oatmeal for breakfast, you should bring some or communicate that to your host. It try to ask my guests if they need anything special for breakfast and make sure that they have extra blankets, toiletries, slippers etc. But at some point you feel like an over the top host asking a ton of questions.
Next time ask, if she doesn’t have one, purchase a french press Bodum coffee maker to bring with you and give it to her as the hostess gift.
Anonymous
a gift that she would never use so that you can use it? please don’t do that.
Anon
Bring it for yourself and leave it. Thats not horrible at all! Because why would she want to waste money on buying one in the future if she won’t use it.
Anonymous
I would hate if someone left something at my house that I didn’t need and wouldn’t use.
Anonymous
Leaving your convenience items at someone’s house is not “horrible” but it’s sure not normal. And pretending that it is a “hostess gift” is incredibly tacky.
Cc
Of course it’s not rude. Would you expect them to have cigs for you if you smoked? Bring one of those cold Starbucks drinks with you next time.
“I had no reason not to expect coffee in the morning” good lord lady.
anon
Idk I think alcohol is a better analogy than cigarettes. If I was spending the night at a non-drinker’s house, I wouldn’t expect them to have booze on hand but I would definitely appreciate it if they did. My mom doesn’t drink but she picks up a couple of bottles of wine when she has overnight guests. It’s not an obligation by any means, though.
Anonymous
Agreed, both that alcohol is a better analogy than cigs and that its very nice of a non-drinker to have coffee or alcohol on hand, but that it’s not an obligation.
Anonymous
If she doesn’t drink coffee how would you make it even if she bought some? I think people should try to have food and drink on hand that they know their guests like, but it’s kind of unreasonable to expect someone to buy a coffee machine (those cost like $100 no?) just so visiting relatives can use it one day out of the year.
Anonymous
OK I agree that it’s unreasonable to expect people to have an appliance they won’t use, but no they’re not $100. You can get a cheap one for like $20 at Target.
anon
It’s not rude to not have coffee, but it’s thoughtful to provide it. And of course it’s not required to be thoughtful in life, but it’s something to strive for.
lawsuited
+1 I don’t drink coffee at home, so have a single cup coffee maker and a selection of coffee pods for guests, but I don’t think it’s rude not to have those things.
emeralds
It would have been thoughtful of her as a hostess to provide coffee for company (even if it’s just Stabucks Via packets or whatever), but in the final analysis it’s her house and her rules. Now you know to bring your own Via or a small coffeemaker the next time you visit.
Anonymous
+1
It’s not rude but it’s also not thoughtful towards your guests.
I would have assumed that most houses have coffee and tea on hand. But if I knew she didn’t drink coffee herself, I would probably bring VIA because it’s the only non-garbage instant coffee. Throw in a few VIA packets next time and you’re set.
mascot
Next time I’d say pack your own supplies or make a gas station/convenience store run for your caffeine fix.
Anonymous
The only two places in town that had coffee were closed and my fiancé’s dad said that the next nearest gas station or store was 30 minutes away and there was no guarantee it would be open. We were stuck. If we had known we would have bought our own instant or something.
Senior Attorney
I feel like if it’s that huge a deal to you, it was on you to inquire and make sure you were covered.
Anonymous
I would not say it’s rude, but the hostess should have asked you what you drink in the morning (daytime and evening too, now that I think of it) and provided it. Was there any tea? You could have got your caffeine fix with black tea. It’s hard to go entire day day without ANY caffeine when you are used to it.
I am a tea drinker with fairly sophisticated tastes, but I would drink Lipton as a guest of someone who doesn’t know better. My spouse and I drink decaf herbal tisanes in the afternoon/evening, and I know that some people don’t have those in the house, so I usually pack some when we travel.
Anonymous
There was no caffeine in the house, coffee, tea, or anything else. She doesn’t eat or drink anything that has caffeine. If I had known I would have brought my own.
Anonymous
An aside, but your comment made me laugh a bit — you realize that some tea drinkers may drink Lipton because they like it, and not just because they don’t “know better,” right?! Also, I’d guess that a lot more than “some” people don’t have tisanes in their houses :)
CPA Lady
Haha, yeah, I like “real” tea, but I also really love the Lipton tea powder with lemon flavor that you mix with water to make iced tea. My grandparents drank it and it reminds me of them and gives me happy feelings.
There are so many hilarious comments today.
Anon
ha – I am a lover of great tea, and I still drink Lipton b/c that’s what my mom gave me when I was sick growing up.
And YES that powder – I haven’t thought about it in years, but my mom always had the tea powder and the Country Time lemonade powder. I ran cross country, and after long runs, I swear the lemonade/tea from powder tasted better than Gatorade!
Anonymous
Now that you know, just bring your own. There are plenty of instant coffees that are decent. I don’t drink coffee and I’m not sure I would 100% think to have it in the house if I lived alone (my DH drinks so guests are safe!). It seems like the bigger problem was that it was Thanksgiving and the store and restaurant who would normally have it were closed-but that is not HER problem. I do understand that it’s difficult to get through the day without caffeine, but I generally think that is my issue to address, not my host’s issue.
Meg March
I would never expect someone to have coffee available. If they do, wonderful, but we always bring an Aeropress or Chemex and enough grounds for a morning cup with us when we travel, because we know we are nonfunctional without coffee. Also coffee snobs, so instant wouldn’t do for us, ha. An Aeropress is pretty small/light/nonbreakable, so it’s easy enough to tuck into a suitcase.
Anonymous
Yes! But you don’t have to schlep the entire apparatus with you.
There are pour-over funnels that work with regular filters (or a paper towel in a pinch) and go on top of the coffee mug. If you can live with a plastic one for travel, one can be had for $3-5.
Godzilla
An Aeropress is a pour-over type of coffee maker. Very convenient to travel with.
Anonymous
I don’t drink coffee but I keep some in my house (along with a cheapy cold brewing thing) because I know my MIL can’t start her day without 2 or 3 cups of coffee. But honestly, I think I am going out of my way to do a nice thing for her (and she is appropriately appreciative) and you can’t expect someone who doesn’t drink coffee to have some on hand. If you need caffeine that badly, bring some caffeine pills or your own cold brew to stash in her fridge.
MNF
I don’t know if it’s *rude*. It’s not being a great hostess, but I can see how someone who doesn’t drink caffeine might not think of it. If the rest of the family does drink coffee, then I think you found her Christmas gift. Breakfast basket – french press, coffee, pancake mix, assortment of herbal (non-caf) teas, jams, etc.
Anonymous
“If the rest of the family does drink coffee, then I think you found her Christmas gift.” I’m sorry, what?? While the hostesses’ actions may have been a little thoughtless (most likely inadvertently), giving her a french press and coffee for Christmas is beyond rude. A Christmas gift is supposed to be something that the gift recipient would like, not something that will benefit YOU when you visit the recipient. You could offer to buy her a coffeemaker if you plan to visit her regularly and she has the space to stash it when you’re not around, but don’t act like it’s a gift to her because it’s not. It’s 100% a gift to you, and acting otherwise is orders of magnitude ruder than not having coffee on hand for guests.
MNF
My thought here is that if she’s likely to be hosting the family a lot, and everyone else drinks coffee (in-laws, siblings, etc.), then it’s a nice gift to someone who will be hosting. A $20 press (the cost of mine which came from the hardware store) included in a basket that also has “pancake mix, assortment of herbal (non-caf) teas, jams, etc” — all things that presumably she would like — is not crazy. It’s also not 100% a gift to herself, depending on what other things are included in the basket.
Anonymous
Please don’t give her coffee and a coffeemaker for Christmas. That is crazy passive-aggressive.
workingmomz
LOL yeah do NOT get your future SIL this!
Legally Brunette
This cracks me up. If someone close to me bought me a coffeemaker I would be utterly confused, as everyone knows I don’t drink/like coffee. I make a mean cup of chai though….
Sydney Bristow
Please don’t do this!
My parents just came to visit and my husband and I don’t drink coffee so we don’t have any in the apartment and don’t have a coffee maker. My parents are big coffee drinkers but didn’t expect us to provide it. If they got me a coffee maker as a present this year it would very clearly be a present for them, I’d have no use for it except on the rare occasions they visit, it would take up space I don’t have, and I’d get rid of it but feel guilty. Not a nice present!
It would have been nice of her to warn you she didn’t have any, but she probably didn’t think of it and/or assumed the restaurant would be open that day. Just like you presumably knew she doesn’t drink caffeine yet didn’t think to ask her if she had any or knew if it was available nearby.
Duchess
My mom did this for me. I have a tiny little galley kitchen and a coffeemaker now sits on my tiny little countertop. There is a starbucks less than a quarter of a mile from my condo, but I got a coffeemaker for Christmas a few years ago (and they haven’t come to visit me in over a year, but there it sits… waiting…)
This is all to say it’s super passive aggressive to buy something you know they don’t want just for yourself.
anon
I’d donate it. When she asked where it was I’d tell her, “Mom I don’t drink coffee so I gave it to Goodwill. Thanks for the tax deduction!” And then wait for her to get me another.
rosie
I am a tea drinker at home but do have coffee available for guests. I have a french press from my coffee drinking days & a cone w/filters, and I keep some ground coffee in the fridge, plus I have instant around. But it’s not rude not to do this.
Throw some instant coffee in your travel bag. I usually have some caffeinated teas in mine–that way I know what I want will be available and it takes up almost no space.
Anonymous
If I didn’t drink it, it probably wouldn’t occur to me to have it on hand. Maybe grab some from a gas station next time – there has to be one of those around, hopefully.
Anonymous
Unfortunately the only two places in town where you could get coffee were closed and the next nearest was half an hour away and there was no guarantee it would be open. So we didn’t have any options.
rosie
It’s unfortunate that there was no where else you could go, but not her fault.
Anon
Why didn’t you just call ahead to the one place that was 30 mins away?
Anonymous
We thought about doing that but if we had taken an hour plus just to get coffee we would have missed some things and caused problems for other people since we all were sharing vehicles.
Anonymous
If you were all going somewhere in a car, why didn’t you use Yelp to find a coffee in the direction of where you were going?
Anonymous
We didn’t leave the town. We went skating and looking for Christmas trees.
Anonymous
We didn’t leave the town. We went skating and looking for Christmas trees.
Anonymous
Stopped where? The next nearest place was a half an hour drive towards the highway. The pond and tree farm were a less than 10 minute drive up the dirt road in the other direction.
Anon
Do you not like the family or the sister very well? I mean, I get it, I would have been frustrated, and probably would have had gotten a bad headache (which I did when I first started went to my in-laws b/c they brew super weak coffee). But I’d let. it. go. You’ve only responded in this thread to point out how inconvenient (not impossible, just inconvenient) purchasing coffee was. Do you think the sister did this on purpose to you? She’s also a new home owner, so possibly not experienced in hosting (which can be overwhelming, especially for a big holiday). I honestly don’t get why you are still holding on to this a week later? Was it surprising to see how rural the family’s home was?? Something else seems to be going on.
Walnut
Seems like another case of “welcome to small town life”. I’ve made the 30 minute drive for coffee and didn’t think a thing of it.
Coffee Addicts
It was off my radar too until my dad explained he has withdrawal headaches if he skips it and will end up running to a gas station on a holiday to make sure he has some. We now have a coffee maker and coffee for all guests.
Never too many shoes...
I will go a bit against the grain here and say that coffee is a pretty normal morning staple so the OP was hardly out of line for thinking that it might be available. Given the rural area, the hostess could have at least warned her overnight guests that she does not have a coffee maker (so they could have come prepared) or purchased a jar of instant coffee. OP, I would have been a bit miffed as well. I mean, I do not like orange juice but I always buy it if I am having overnight guests since it is a normal things that lots of people enjoy. And that cigarette analogy is quite frankly a ridiculous comparator, Cc.
Anonymous
+1
I really agree here.
boris
I agree! I’m surprised by the comments. I don’t think orange juice is the same, but having tea or coffee with breakfast is so standard. I don’t drink coffee but I always keep a jar of reasonable instant in the cupboard. If you have guests, you make a reasonable effort to provide food that they like. You wouldn’t say, “Well, I don’t eat breakfast so I didn’t bother to have anything you could eat.”
Betsy
haha this reminds me of a Thanksgiving morning a few years ago. We had a dear friend and his girlfriend staying with us. We never eat breakfast on Thanksgiving morning – we’re always so busy making the actual meal. It didn’t even occur to me that the girlfriend would need breakfast, and we had no breakfast food in the house. We did not make the best first impression!
Mrs. Jones
+1.
rosie
I mean, I agree, but I think the omission was likely inadvertent. It might just not be on the SIL’s radar. I just stayed with my SIL, and I thought it was a little odd that there were no handtowels and no place to hang a bath towel in the kids/guest bathroom. Then I saw in her room that her bath towel was just lying on the floor. People are just different.
Anonymous
+1, I agree, and I’m the same — I never drink orange juice but i buy some whenever we have overnight guests. That said, I completely agree with the suggestions to bring your own instant coffee, and I’m surprised your fiance didn’t give you a heads up that she doesn’t drink coffee. I would have had a serious caffeine headache, and that would have been super annoying.
Never too many shoes...
(last post seems to have dissolved, but apologies if this is a duplicate)
I will go a bit against the grain here and say that coffee is a pretty normal morning staple so the OP was hardly out of line for thinking that it might be available. Given the rural area, the hostess could have at least warned her overnight guests that she does not have a coffee maker (so they could have come prepared) or purchased a jar of instant coffee. OP, I would have been a bit miffed as well. I mean, I do not like orange juice but I always buy it if I am having overnight guests since it is a normal things that lots of people enjoy. And that tobacco analogy is quite frankly a ridiculous comparator, Cc.
Anon
I think it’s rude to stay in someone’s home and expect them to provide something they don’t normally have on hand simply to suit a guest. If you have specific needs, you should ask in advance or bring your own supplies. Or stay in a hotel — my husband’s family is from a very small town and the accommodations aren’t to our liking (sharing a bathroom with 4 + people, next to train tracks, etc.) so we years ago started staying in a Country Inn & Suites 20 miles away and they have coffee makers in the rooms and free breakfast.
Anonymous
+1 million to this.
Godzilla
Word. So rude to expect something. Like, what if your host is a vegetarian? Would you expect them to have meat for you because you don’t consider a meal complete without meat? Gtfo. I know that *I* need caffeine and I always ask. And if the answer is no, I make sure to let them know that I have no problem bringing my own! It’s part of being a good guest.
Anonymous
Yep. I know I’m an addict and I make sure I always have an available supply.
Senior Attorney
Right? Good grief! Do you have any idea how disruptive it is to host the whole fam damily for Thanksgiving weekend? If something slips through the cracks in such a situation, you suck it up and smile and make the best of it and be grateful for the free accommodations!
Two Cents
Yeah, seriously. She already had her hands full. It would have been nice if she had coffee but I can see how this would slip through the cracks given that she doesn’t drink it herself.
Anonymous
“I had no reason not to expect no coffee in the morning.”
1. That’s a lot of negatives
2. Not all adults drink coffee (I grew up in a non-coffee household and I don’t drink it either)
3. You did have a reason to expect no coffee – the hostess doesn’t drink it. It’s a no-coffee household. A no-coffee household doesn’t have a mechanism to make coffee. If the rest of the family isn’t caffeine dependent, then it wasn’t on her radar.
Anonymous
Either way, reason to expect it or not, she still wasn’t rude. I’m sympathetic- not having caffeine sucks. But that doesn’t make her rude, it’s just an unfortunate thing that happened.
anon in SV
Agreed. It wasn’t rude. It’s a non-coffee household and I’m sure it didn’t occur to her. Your addiction to caffeine is not her responsibility, any more than it is her responsibility to have the kind of dairy you prefer or your favorite body wash. You were a guest in her home. She doesn’t need to have your (legal, perfectly common) fix in the house. It’s up to you to plan ahead to ensure you have access to the caffeine you need.
Yup
No but I have tea and we have three coffee shops within a block radius. I don’t drink it so I wouldn’t expect it at someone else’s place either.
Anonymous
When I am a first time visitor is someone’s home, my rule is to bring whatever consumable I can’t live without for the duration of the stay. For me that’s oatmeal packets/power bars (I get hangry when mealtimes are at weird hours) and tea. My husband’s family sometimes doesn’t eat breakfast until after 11 a.m. which doesn’t work for me. No one raises an eyebrow when I quietly make myself a cup of oatmeal in the a.m. and it certainly makes me a better guest!
Anonymous
LOL, my mom has the same philosophy. She regularly shows up to my house with her own packets of hot chocolate, tea, instant coffee, muffins, bananas, etc., even though I have all of those things! One time she even brought powdered milk…and I have never in my life not had milk in my fridge. It used to annoy me but now I just find it amusing.
ponte python's flying circus
+1 I bring my own (little jar of instant coffee, oatmeal packets, energy bar) and am always a little afraid to come across as rude!
Senior Attorney
That is such a good idea, although I suppose it’s a good idea to be discreet about it.
SoCalAtty
I always travel with stuff like that! A couple nice tea bags, hot chocolate, apple cider mix, and granola bars. That way no matter what happens, my tummy is happy and I can roll with whatever the trip brings. I used to try and be discreet about it but now my in laws just know that I come with supplies and think it is funny. And I’ve found my SIL checking my glove box in my car for hot chocolate packets before, so now they appreciate it!
Anonymous
Man, this is such a great example of how addictive caffeine is. Substitute coffee with a number of other totally unnecessary items (like, dark chocolate) and you’ll realize why it’s ok she didn’t provide coffee.
When I host people I try to ask them what kind of things they like to have (within reason) and try to accommodate their preferences., but I’m sure there are things my guests have at home that I don’t have that would make them more comfortable. That’s just a downside of traveling.
AnonToo
Agree, this is only an “issue” because of caffeine dependence. In the OP’s shoes, I would have been majorly bummed, and then I would have taken some meds to try to mitigate the withdrawal headache I knew was coming, and then moved on with my day. My problem, not the host’s.
Anonymous4
My in-laws are also not coffee drinkers; not really even hot beverage drinkers (neither is my husband). I didn’t know that, and by the third day of my first visit I begged my husband to stop at a Starbucks. I found it surprising but not rude. I don’t provide everything my MIL likes to have for her breakfast either.
Now that I’ve been married a few years and am comfortable with them I just pack my french press and some coffee.
anon
No, she was not obligated to provide coffee when she doesn’t drink it herself. This is like expecting a non-drinker to provide alcohol for guests. It’s nice if they do, but totally not an obligation.
I actually think it would’ve been more rude for her to tell you there was going to be coffee and then only provide some cheap grocery store instant.
Jitterbug
I wouldn’t expect this either. I don’t drink coffee; I have an old coffee maker a former roommate left behind, so when I dated a coffee drinker I bought filters and his favorite blend but he had to make it himself because I didn’t know how.
I do think that good hosting involves asking upcoming overnight guests what they have for breakfast, and doing what I can to have it on hand, but I wouldn’t say not doing so is “rude.” If you’re going somewhere and you know you’ll need coffee to function (no judgment, I drink energy shots pretty much every day), tell the hostess and the two of you can figure out the best way to get you your fix in the morning.
This was poor planning on your part, not poor manners on hers.
Anon
Commiseration here. We now stay at a Super8- but we used to stay with DH’s grandma. She made her usual coffee, and I had my usual 2-3 cups; later that morning I developed a huge headache- dont know how it came up but found out it was decaf. So happy there was a fastfood place close by! I learned to bring instant….
anon
Are you kidding? Of course you had a reason not to expect coffee in the morning. Their not drinking coffee is a reason.
nutella
Her home is not a hotel; you (I assume) did not pay to stay there. This was unfortunate for you, but not rude of her.
Baconpancakes
It’s not rude, but it is annoying. Going out of your way to have your guests’ preferred beverages on hand, even when you don’t drink them, is the sign of a great host/ess, but can’t be expected. (Unless you’re my mother in which case how dare I not have her favorite special holiday Coffeemate flavor on hand when she comes to visit.)
That said, when you’re hosting an entire family overnight, you can assume that at least a couple people are going to want coffee. It was a little thoughtless of her not to at least ask if there was anyone wanting coffee. I think if you turned it around and said “We don’t eat breakfast so we didn’t have any food for breakfast in the house and didn’t consider that other people would want to eat in the morning,” you’d get called some pretty mean names.
For future trips, I’d suggest bringing a pour-over. You can get a perfectly functional plastic pour-over for less than $5, buy a pack of filters, bring some pre-ground coffee, and you’re in business. French press would also be good (I bet you’d get other family members asking for some of your coffee), but is a little bulkier and inconvenient to clean out.
Hermione
I’m in the UK and very rarely drink tea, but always have teabags on hand for visitors since it’s such a norm here.
HQB
I don’t know that’s it is rude, exactly, but it’s not super-welcoming, either. My boyfriend and I don’t drink coffee, but we keep a small bag of ground coffee in the freezer, and a few single-cup mug-top coffee makers in out kitchen tool drawer (they are similar to this: http://tinyurl.com/h7g938b but nicer; ours are made of metal and fit in a standard utensil drawer). It helps us be better hosts to our guests.
Meg Murry
I know I’m late to the party here, but why has no one asked why her *fiance* didn’t warn her about the lack of caffeine at his sister’s in the rural area where he (presumably?) grew up. Unless the sister just went caffeine free in the past couple of months, it seems to me that the fiance should have know that
1) there likely wouldn’t be caffeine at his sister’s house since she doesn’t drink it and just moved it
2) his fiancee (OP) is non-functional without coffee and since he’s taking her to his family he should make sure it’s available
3) the small town would likely not have *anything* open on Friday so he should have warned OP that she needed to make sure she packs everything she might need or want since it would be a major hassle to go to a store
Yes, it would have been nice for the sister to get coffee knowing that her brother likes to drink it everyday. But it’s not rude of her not to have it, especially since she was preparing a whole darn Thanksgiving meal and then hosting the family for a day after that.
Anon
Late to the party, but I have to say, this whole thread makes me never want to host overnight visitors again.
Surprised
What are your comfiest work clothes?
If I’m going to be wearing them for at least 12 hrs every day, I may at least be comfortable. Also I focus better when I don’t feel “stiff”.
emeralds
The Lululemon wrap skirt I’m wearing today. Looks like your standard pencil skirt, feels like pajamas.
BabyAssociate
WHAT. This exists?!
emeralds
Yes! I looked on their website and it doesn’t look like they have any now, but check back in a season…this thing is seriously my life. They usually live in the “to and from” section.
…and it’s reversible! So two skirts (one black, one navy stripe) for the price of one.
Anonymous
Betabrand straight leg yoga dress pants, Kamalikulture stretchy work dresses
Marshmallow
Lululemon “city trek trousers.” They look like normal ankle pants but they have hidden elastic along the inseam so they are super comfy.
waffles
These are my favourites too. I can even sleep in them, in a pinch (like on an overnight flight). So comfy!!
Anonymous
I really like Uniqlo for comfy (easy maintenance) work clothes. Their smart style ankle pants are made from stretchy fabric and have an elastic waistband. I pair it with a rayon button down shirt and a cashmere cardigan, I basically feel like I’m wearing sweats.
Yup
Pajama pants :-D
So Anon
Husband and I are on the brink of divorce. Married 11 years, 2 kids. No major event, just long-standing issues finally coming to a head. Advice? I’m not ready to e done but am close. I think he’s closer to done than I am. I want to try to salvage this, but I wonder if it’s possible at this point. Anyone gone through this and had it turn out one way or the other?
Anonymous
Have you done counseling?
So Anon
Not yet. Any recommendations? Just a regular marriage counselor?
Anonymous
Yeah. Isn’t it worth trying?
So Anon
Of course!
Anonymous
I’ve been doing Gottman based counseling with DH. We’ve made more progress in 4 months of this than we did in counselling with a counselor who had done a great job of treating my depression as a teenager but who, in hindsight, was useless at marriage counselling.
Find someone that specializes in marriage counselling Gottman style. Gottman also has retreats if you can get away for a weekend to give your marriage a jump start.
Also Anon
Gottman is awesome. The Gottman Book “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” saved my marriage. We read it together and did the exercises.
So Anon
Thank you! I did a little research and Gottman seems like a good resource. From what I see, it’s not religious. Is that true? (That’s what I’m looking for, we are not religious.)
Anonymous
Not religious. Very science/research based which really appealed to my husband.
You mentioned below that there are s#xual issues. At the end of the day, you have the right to only do things you are comfortable with and enjoy. Your DH may have to decide if his preferences are so important to him that he would chose them over continuing to be married/raise your family together. Good luck with it. I highly recommend at least trying counseling because if it doesn’t work out then you know that you really tried to make it work and couldn’t.
So Anon
I bought the book – thanks for the recommendation.
Senior Attorney
Also with sexual issues you might want to look into the works of Dr. David Schnarch and his wife, whose name escapes me. Their first book is Passionate Marriage and there are others as well. Interesting stuff, not at all religious.
Anon
Have you tried therapy?
Have you spent one on one time together for a vacation to re connect recently?
Have you found a new thing to work on together to connect on? Like take up a cause for example volunteering for refugees. Sometimes when I see my spouse in the light that others see him it helps me. It helps remind me why I was initially attracted to him.
Anon
Another idea to look at is this blog. Someone else mentioned it here before:
https://www.downtothere.com/
Its about a husband and wife’s needs and wants not lining up and working on it.
Kelly C.
Try His Needs, Her Needs or Five Love Languages. The way you put it here, this could be a rut that could be fixed and you could find long-term happiness together. As a child of divorce (a terrible one that has probably colored my whole view of the world), I really think it should be the last option if you have “fixable” problems. Therapy is a good idea too, but that can really depend on the counselor.
And if he won’t go through His Needs, Her Needs or Five Love Languages with you, I suggest you try it on your own just to see what happens. For just two weeks or so, give, give, give, give love without expecting anything in return. See if it changes the tone of your relationship and whether it gives any hints as to whether this can be salvaged.
And if you do divorce, please be mature adults about it. Don’t be one of those couples that vindictively squabbles for years and puts your kids in the middle of it. You don’t say your children’s ages, but you should not be spending more time dwelling on your ex-spouse and fighting over custody, visitation, school expenses, and child support than being loving and supportive parents to your children. And if you feel your husband would be this type of person no matter what you do, honestly my advice would be to do what you need to do to get through things until the kids are out of the house and then divorce. Whether that be having an affair, frequent splurges on your credit card, spa weekends with your girlfriends, whatever, just don’t suck up years of your children’s lives with divorce drama. Sorry for the rant. I would hope none of this applies to your situation.
Anonymous
Ummmm whoa?!? There’s no reason to assume she’s going to be a horrible mom during a divorce.
Kelly C.
I did say that I hope it doesn’t apply to her situation and of course I am not making that assumption.
Anonymous
On the flip side, I’ve heard from many friends whose parents divorced when they left for college that the last 5-10 years of living at home was miserable and they would have been much happier if their parents had split instead of fighting all the time. I don’t think you can say as a blanket rule that one is better than the other. Every situation is unique and kids are probably going to always criticize how their parents handled things and feel like the grass is greener on the other side of the divorce/no divorce coin.
Kelly C.
True, there is always a flip side and every situation is unique. I was just throwing in my two cents so that OP could consider what exactly her divorce might look like and then consider things from there. I can without a doubt say that my own life would have been a million times better if my mother had put off her divorce for a few years, but I definitely know that would not apply to everyone. I clearly was not making a blanket statement–I asked the OP to consider how her spouse might respond to the divorce. Lots of people can maturely co-parent, but some are miserable failures at it and they make their children miserable in the process.
Anon
I am that kid. My parents divorced when I was 23, and my youngest sibling was 17. I was out of school, and my brothers were in and beginning college. My mom was the one the wanted it, and she was absolutely miserable to be around for the preceding 6-7 years. My reaction was “finally!” Which I think really surprised them.
Anonymous
Similar story here. My sibs and I’s collective reaction was “What took so damn long?”
So Anon
I appreciate this perspective and am not offended. It seems dishonest to me to suck it up for that long (my youngest is 2). I think we’d be mature co-parents. Our issues are more related to our relationship. Basically, I’m struggling with some s*xual preferences of his. They only became clear to me after we got married. I’m not totally comfortable with some of them and haven’t been doing a good job of communicating that. Ugh.
Anonymous
That seems like an issue worth working on, though. There are a lot of creative solutions to sexual incompatibility that may not require divorce (though of course sometimes divorce is the right answer). I would definitely encourage y’all to go to a sex therapist and communicate about your comfort levels and preferences before pursuing divorce.
Anonymous
That sounds like something therapy can def help with.
Anon
I feel for you. I don’t have any constructive advice but lots of sympathy. Sure, therapy might help. But also, it’s really unsettling when someone only decides to really show you who they are and what they want AFTER you marry them. If I married someone and then realized they had strong needs or preferences that made me uncomfortable and that they had never brought up before, I would be upset.
So Anon
You know, I’m honestly not sure if he didn’t tell me or I didn’t listen. I remember thinking “After we’re married, he’ll….” or “After we have kids, he’ll….”. That’s on me. So I can only be so upset with him. I’m more upset with myself.
Kelly C.
It is really great to hear that you would be mature co-parents. I would keep that goal in mind if you do go through with a split. But it does sound like therapy is worth an effort first.
What are they?!
I know it isn’t the point, but I am dying to know what these preferences are that are such an issue!
So Anon
Some kinks (which I can work with) but an interest in polyamory is the main issue.
argh
Polyamory would be a total no-go for me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Godzilla
I have no advice but good luck. I don’t see any compromises available in polyamory but hopefully you find something that works for the both of you, even if that winds up being divorce.
Frozen Peach
Lots of good advice here, just wanted to add that Dan Savage is an amazing resource about the ethics of marriage and polyamory (i.e., what’s kosher, what’s really an abuse of the relationship, what’s reasonable, etc. ) The Savage Love archives at The Stranger may have some helpful perspectives about those specific issues.
And I’m so sorry. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Maintaining a healthy relationship as parents in our society and culture is really, really hard. I hope you have some girlfriends who will take you out for wine or dessert and help remind you of your worth regardless of your marriage’s outcome or your husband’s perspective.
Anon
Oh god. This would be a total NO for me.
But seriously
If your issue is communication, consider spending $15 on this pdf book: thecouplesclinic.com/resources/books/
It was recommended to me by a therapist trained in the Gottman method, and I found it extremely helpful.
So Anon
Bought it. Thank you!
Miz Swizz
I need some shells for work. I’m looking for pattern or texture to add some interest to my look. What are your go-to stores?
semi-regular going anon for this
May not be the response you’re expecting, but hear me out: H&M and Forever 21 are great for trying new things until you’re sure you like them. I find that for less than $15 I get a decent top that I can wear a few tops to figure out whether I like the style/pattern/etc. before investing in something that more expensive
Once I know a pattern or styles works well with my existing wardrobe or body type, I look at the Limited, Ann Taylor and J. Crew
Baconpancakes
Second this. The black and white polka dotted H&M shell? Glad I didn’t buy the theory one because I never wear that. The navy blue one with tuxedo pleating? Definitely looking for a quality replacement because I love that thing.
Emmy See
Ooh, I’m going to try this! Especially since I’m still at the very beginning of building a professional wardrobe.
Anonymous
Similarly: JC Penney. I know, i know, but the shells are regularly on clearance for less than $10 and are a good way to try things. For example: bought a tunic-length shell in deep teal with a neckline detail. I have other tops with a similar neckline that are hip-length and flattering, but I discovered that the shape and length of this one makes me look like a short, squat rectangle. Glad I didn’t spend more than $8 on it, because it is going in the donation bin after being worn twice.
Sloan Sabbith
Okay I’m apparently ridiculously tired and thought you meant um….seashells. I was so confused and wondering why you needed them for work and if wearing strings of them is like, a thing.
I think it’s time for bed.
Susan
Completely silly, but when I read this I was like, “What kind of work does she do that she needs seashells? Is it a decor thing she needs?” It’s been a long day.
Kale
Looking for some advice, tips, commisseration. I’m at a law firm with specific hours requirements and I’m on pace to hit my target but only if I don’t take a lot of time off in the holidays, which is a bummer because my kids would love to take a trip during their school holiday break. Only consequence of not meeting the hours target is loss of a bonus of about $15,000. This is making me so anxious because I’ve always been way over or under.
Yup
No way to work remotely or at night and do short trips to see zoo lights, etc? What about friends with kids or their friends taking trips? $15,000 seems like a lot. There’s no way to make it up over the weekends?
Maybe spend time over the holidays planning a spring break for them?
Anonymous
Could you take a three or four day weekend? That can feel surprisingly like a “real vacation” sometimes.
Anonymous
If it’s really ONLY about the money, I’d probably not worry about hitting the hours and go somewhere with your family. But in my experience, it’s usually remembered whether or not you hit your hours and can affect advancement within the firm, so in that case it’s probably worth buckling down and trying to get your hours in (especially if you see a long-term future at the firm).
Senior Attorney
This. And can you make it up to them on spring break?
Bonnie
Can you compromise with your kids by signing them up for fun winter camps?
anne-on
Can you throw (some) money at it – hire a mother’s helper/college kid/HS kid looking for extra cash to do some chores you don’t like to free up your weekend time to spend with family? I’d outsource laundry, wrapping presents, putting up lights, meal prep, etc.
And would focus on a ‘staycation’ – let each kiddo pick a special activity to do – local museum, trampoline park, find a hotel with an indoor swimming pool and stay over and order room service, etc.
ace
I hate this. My old firm had a calendar year grid-based bonus, so there was a major incentive to work a lot at the end of the year to get to the next level (though it wasn’t all or nothing like it sounds like yours is).
Can you plan a trip for the first week of January, or over Presidents/MLK holiday weekends to get you through the end of the year but have a light at the end of the tunnel?
Philips Wakeup Light
FYI… anyone thinking of getting one after the discussion yesterday, the $169 model is on Amazon for $109! I just ordered. My snoozing has gotten OUT OF CONTROL lately. Hopefully this helps!
ELS
That’s the one I have! I hope you love it as much as I do!
anonshmanon
I’ll take this opportunity to thank everyone for their input yesterday!
Philips Wakeup Light
Thank YOU for bringing up the topic. I wouldn’t have thought to even look at these!
Brunette Elle Woods
My old bedroom faced the east so the sun always helped me get out of bed in the morning. Now I face the west and it is absolutely terrible! I may need to make this purchase.
Fixer upper
I have this wakeup light and I like it, but most days I sleep through the light. I have the sound set as chirping birds but they’re really more like seagulls and it’s a super annoying sound after a while. So that wakes me up enough to turn it off and get up. New BF found it funny the morning after the first sleepover when the seagull sound went off and my first words were “I HATE SEAGULLS”.
Another laundry Q
The laundry question above got me thinking… BF and I moved in together ~8 months ago and we have a recurring argument about laundry. He’s really terrible about taking his stuff out of the dryer. He likes to basically get dressed out of the dryer. He usually does his wash during the week and just lets everything sit in the dryer all week.
I do my laundry every Sunday beginning precisely at noon. You could set your watch to my laundry habits. I do multiple loads every week because I also do our sheets/towels/etc. Our arguments basically break down like this: We have Sunday breakfast and I ask him if his stuff is out of the dryer. He says he’ll get to it. I watch HGTV beginning at 11 a.m. and ask again if his stuff is out of the dryer. He says he’ll get to it. I start my wash at noon and ask him to please move his stuff. He grunts in acknowledgment. My wash finishes and I move his stuff to the top of the dryer – I’m careful that it doesn’t drop but I don’t fold it for him because I’m not his mother. He gets mad that I moved it. He thinks it’s disrespectful for me to be messing with his stuff. Ok well then move your stuff anytime over the 5 days it’s been in there or any of the three times I asked you? The dryer is not your dresser. He’s great about other household chores but he has this weird territorial thing about the dryer. Help?
Marilla
He needs to grow up. Failing that, get a laundry basket just for this and toss his clean stuff in the basket as soon as you need the machine. Put the basket somewhere where it’s in his way and not in your way (if there is such a place in your apartment). Don’t ask, remind, or nag more than once.
OP
I like the basket idea. That way he can’t claim that anything will get accidentally dropped between the machines. Our machines are side by side so I could put it on top of the dryer. (I like the idea of putting it in his way, but I don’t like the idea of me having to lug the basket around to do it. Path of least resistance.)
Anonymous
A basket was my first thought, but I don’t think he needs to “grow up. ” I think she needs to consider he likes using the dryer as a dresser and the basket is a compromise. Or, at the very least, if he needs to grow up then she needs to commensurately loosen up with these rigid laundry schedules.
COtoNY
Seriously? It doesn’t even matter that she has a schedule– if she decided to do her laundry at 3pm on a Friday, his laundry would still be in the dryer and they would still have the exact same problem. This is entirely his issue, not hers.
Senior Attorney
Yes, the basket. We had something similar — LH was used to using the dryer as the storage unit for his socks until I came along. We just got a small basket and put it beside the dryer and it serves the same purpose while freeing up the dryer for my compulsive laundering!
ponte python's flying circus
That’s the price of living with other people, isn’t it? He can’t just do whatever he likes if it affects the other people he lives with, can he. If the laundry’s in the dryer, it is literally in the way. He can move it to a ‘clean clothes’ hamper, or have it moved. Or, do all of your laundry together (after a while it becomes not ‘your clothes, my clothes’ laundry but ‘whites/ darks/ towels’ laundry).
Separately I would also consider why you are the default launderer of common items like sheets…
Jitterbug
“That’s the price of living with other people, isn’t it? He can’t just do whatever he likes if it affects the other people he lives with, can he.”
This is key. There are some lazy habits we are free to have if they don’t bother people, like if we live alone or with super easygoing (or equally messy) roommates. However, once a lazy habit bothers someone, you have to break it. OP’s boyfriend ideally should start taking his stuff out of the dryer when it’s done, but bare minimum, he needs to start doing it when asked and he needs to stop with the “I’ll get to it” nonsense.
anon
Re default launderer because others have mentioned it too: he’s the default other-things-er, like taking out the trash, taking our cardboard to the recycling center, etc., so I don’t think it’s unfair for me to take care of the shared laundry. Plus it avoids the frustration of not having clean sheets and towels because he’s procrastinated.
OP
Sorry that was me, I should’ve used “OP” not “anon”
Walnut
Are you or he opposed to you doing his laundry along with your own?
ponte python's flying circus
Got it – I think that’s fair!
Emmy See
If you don’t mind being the default launderer of sheets, would you mind washing his clothes as well, while he takes on another chore? My general philosophy is to divide work by task (laundry/trash/cooking), not by person (my clothes/your clothes), and let things even out (roughly) over the whole set of household chores.
It honestly never even occurred to me and my husband to separate our laundry. (Maybe it’s different because we’re married?)
Jitterbug
Yeah, I haven’t lived with an SO before but to me it would make sense for the laundry to be done together.
Anonymous
@ Jitterbug
My boyfriend offered to do my laundry and I said no thanks. I am particular about what gets washed on what cycle and with what detergent and I don’t think it’s reasonable to require him to (try to, cause lets face it, he won’t) remember all of that. Plus, see everyone below who accidentally ruined an SO’s clothing item. Sheets/towels, sure, either or both of you can do those, but clothes, do your own, is my philosophy.
Scarlett
My husband and I do separate laundry – we are both particular about how it’s done. We don’t have the OP’s issues though, somehow we just share it and if his stuff or mine is in the dryer, the other moves it to a couch and we put it away.
Emmy See
Oh, okay, I’m the only one who’s picky about laundry (and I kind of enjoy doing it) but it probably wouldn’t work if we both were.
Macademia
I am with Scarlett, we each do our own laundry and have our own special ways of handling our own clothes. We sort of split the kid’s clothes. I tend to wash the sheets and towels more because I am a one load per day person, he is more of a laundry marathon on Sunday kind of guy. If the towels need to be done when he is thinking about laundry he might do them.
We both like to dry our clothes on the rack so sometimes we haggle over who gets to use it.
Anonymous
He’s a child. That’s ridiculous. If it’s not out of the dryer by 11:45am, I’d be tossing it on the floor with that attitude. You’re already washing the sheets and towels and he needs to occupy the dryer for an entire week?
Anonymous
Throwing his clothes on the floor is also childish and immature.
Anonymous
That’s the point. If he wants to act like a child, so can I.
Anonymous
oh god. please don’t give people advice.
Emmy See
That’s satisfying, maybe, but it’s not productive.
Anon
Ughs.
I would stop saying anything. He had 5 days to remember. Just take it out and if it bothers him he will learn to take it out earlier. He can hear that the wash is going. You guys live together, you share sheets, you share fluids, you can touch his clothes.
Also why are you doing the sheets all the time?
anne-on
Yes, he’s being childish, and I would totally just toss it into a laundry basket and be done with it. Also – perhaps just agree to a division of labor around chores? I am the designated laundry person in our house and wash/dry/fold/put away laundry for everyone.
In return my husband deals entirely with kiddo/kid chores during that time. Could you ‘hand off’ a similar type of chore in return for doing laundry for the household?
mascot
+1 to toss it into the laundry basket and let him get dressed out of that. My husband does his own laundry. It lives, clean and unfolded, in a laundry basket, on our bedroom chair, or in his closet. It’s the price of admission. As long as it isn’t in my way or in public view, I’ve gotten over it and moved on.
anonshmanon
We had a similar collision about very different ideas how chores are done “the right way”. He now does all of our laundry and I do all of the vacuuming. Noone gets to criticize the other. For this division to work in your case, you’d be the one doing the laundry since you have very specific ideas how it should be done.
Em
Put his laundry on his side of the bed and carry on.
Anonymous
Throw his stuff on the ground, tell him to stop being such a baby and get a grip.
Anonymous
You sound really mature
Anonymous
I’m amused by the use of “throw his stuff on the ground” and “tell him to stop being such a baby” in the same sentence. P0t, meet kettle.
Sadface
You could also put his stuff back in the dryer once you are done with all your laundry.
anon
Please do not do this. Adding extra work to facilitate his childishness is not a solution.
Tutti
Why not just do all the laundry in exchange for him doing some other house chore? Clearly you’re on your laundry game, and he is not. I don’t understand separating your laundry loads if you’re living under one roof, particularly if it’s becoming a point of contention.
OP
I’ve been pretty resistant to the idea of doing another adult’s laundry for him, but maybe I should loosen up. We have separate hampers because 1) his gym stuff is drippy and gross and I won’t have it touching anything of mine; and 2) he likes to wash all of his stuff on hot and that’s just not happening with my clothes.
I’m not sure what other chore he could take over to balance the load if I did 100% of the laundry. He does a good 75% of the cooking, but I do all the dishes/kitchen cleaning for the same reason as the laundry – it just sits around otherwise. We do grocery shopping together. I do most of the tidying, which really amounts to stacking up his stuff somewhere. We have a lawn service and a weekly cleaning person for everything else. I guess I could ask him to do oil changes, etc. on my car, but that doesn’t seem to balance out a weekly chore. Thoughts?
Tutti
I think that living together in an adult, mature partnership doesn’t include a calculation of percentages of chores that get done by either party.
Tutti
That wasn’t really a productive comment. What I will say is that I firmly believe that something as small as laundry should not cause angst in a strong relationship. Either you do it (meaning, do his laundry, or move it for him), or accept that this is how he he will always be.
I do more chores than my husband because I am particular. But, he struggles with ADHD so certain things are really hard for him to do. But that was the price of admission, and I’m ok paying the price of doing 68.748% of the chores if that means they are done to my liking, done without conflict, and allows us to otherwise live a conflict-free life. I love my guy to the end of the earth, so if I need to ‘do more chores’ or whatever to make it work for us, then I’m going to do that. I think you should take a step back and figure out why you’re treating him/looking at him like a roommate and not like the other half of a larger relationship whose balance should not be thrown off by laundry.
EM
+1. What Tutti says.
Anonymous
Maybe it wasn’t that productive, but I’m +1ing the sentiment anyways!
Marilla
Don’t solve this problem for him by doing his laundry!!! He wants to be lazy with his laundry, OK as long as it doesn’t interfere with the rest of the laundry. Basket on top of the dryer is perfect.
Anonymous
+1
EM
Yes. Do not, under any circumstances, look to balance things out 100%. That kind of score-keeping is not good.
Perhaps a compromise of sorts. For example, have a hamper dedicated to towels and gym clothes. He can do that. If he sorts his own laundry–ie, dress shirts, socks, etc–into your designated hampers, you do them. Keep in mind that this isn’t score-keeping, it is finding ways to run a smooth household.
Anon
Voting for basket on the dryer. I did DH ‘s laundry once 22 yrs ago when we were first living together. Washed his dry clean only silk blend shirt and ruined it. We still fight over whether “in the dirty clothes hamper” meant it should go in the washer (my view) vs his, “hamper because dirty but not washable”. He’s done his own ever since.
Anonymous
This makes me laugh because I ruined a bf’s cashmere sweater by dumping all of the clothes in his hamper into the laundry. I thought I was being sweet by doing his laundry. He was furious. But you know, I’m on your team. If it’s in the dirty clothes hamper, it goes in the washer.
Jitterbug
When I lived with my parents (growing up and after college) my mom did the laundry but I still had to take my hamper into her room and sort it into the piles. That way if something dirty needed special handling I could keep it out of the wash. And when I started wearing stuff that needed to be hung up, I had to take it out of the wet clothes and hang it up.
I put my dry-clean and hand-wash-only stuff in my hamper when it’s dirty, because where else can it hang out until I can take care of it? The floor? The back of a chair?
Baconpancakes
Not being snarky – what do you do with dirty clothes that get dry cleaned/hand washed? Do you have a separate basket? I’m the “YOU WASHED WHAT” person in my relationship, but it seems unreasonable to have a separate hamper for just two or three items at a time.
Hermione
I have a separate laundry bag for delicates. That means I only have to sort my laundry when I’m taking my clothes off my body, not later on.
Anonymous
I have a mesh/spring opening hamper with 3 divisions. In one goes the dry cleaning, the other the handwashing, the other the regular wash.
The hamper cost…. like $2.
Cat
I keep a cloth grocery bag in the closet for dry-clean stuff (bonus – on dry-cleaning errand day I just grab and go), and keep a few mesh bags draped on the hamper to put delicates in (since they get washed in those bags anyway).
Miz Swizz
That’s why I do the laundry in our house. DH dried all my bras and we had a huge fight.
Senior Attorney
I am with you on being resistant to doing another adult’s laundry.
Unlike doing shared linens, or shared dishes, or cooking for the family, or cleaning the family home, if I wash my husband’s dirty socks and undies it is a personal service that I am providing for him and him alone, which benefits him and only him, and there’s really no analog to that.
I will toss LH’s socks in when I’m doing a whites load, but generally I am of the “everybody does his or her own personal laundry” school of thought for a variety of reasons including the above, and also because I like to do my own Just So.
Sydney Bristow
I’m not sure that doing his laundry as well would solve the problem. If he likes pulling things out of the dryer and you do his laundry, do you just fold all of yours and throw his back in the dryer? It will still sit there all week and there will likely be something left when you go to do laundry again the next week. If he’d be ok with you folding his laundry and one of you putting it away, then it could work. Is it that he prefers getting things out of the dryer each day or that he just doesn’t want to finish the chore? If it is that he doesn’t want to finish the chore, then his response about you messing with his stuff doesn’t make much sense. So I’d go with the basket on top of the dryer idea as well.
My husband and I each do our own laundry and sort of switch off doing the towels and sheets. I totally get your feelings on that. We decided to split up chores so that each of us could avoid doing the chores we personally hate doing. So he does the trash and recycling and I do the dishes. It isn’t a 50/50 time split, but it feels even because of the mental space it takes up avoiding then giving in and doing the chores you hate.
Anonymous
My boyfriend used his dryer as a dresser before we moved in together. Now he uses a laundry basket. If his stuff is in the dryer when I need it, I just put it in the basket.
I would suggest making this suggestion to your boyfriend rather than just starting doing it without talking to him though because he seems weird about this issue for some reason. I will say it seems a little odd to me that after 8 months living together he still gets angry at you touching his laundry though? Like why is that a problem for him?
Fishie
I’m him. My husband is you. I drive him bonkers by not moving my laundry along. I hate doing it, and am admittedly lazy about it. One of the most loving things he does is fold it for me. I don’t think he’s my mother, or my father, but I am grateful that my partner overlooks my imperfection and instead of getting upset with me for it, helps me work around it.
Folding his clothes isn’t giving in, it’s keeping the peace, getting things to were you want them to be, allowing you to make a kind gesture to a loved one, and holding your fire for the big, really important battles.
The first year of living together was the hardest for us because of stuff like this. If we had each tried to win every fight or tried to correct each others’ behavior instead of gently reminding, patiently discussing, and letting some things go, we may never have gotten married.
Don’t get me wrong, we’re not lovey perfect “love is patient” BS types. We each want to leave the other on a deserted island all the time. But trust that this fight is not worth winning.
Will it work?
My SO and I have been together for over 2 years. We grew up similarly in middle class homes and now both do well. He does much better though, as a very high earner in a high earning field.
We are very happy together now, but have different visions and goals for our future. He wants the giant multimillion house in the suburbs, with a big garage and multiple expensive cars. He wants country clubs and fancy private schools. I don’t think theres anything wrong with his goals (he would be able to afford it), but it’s also not the life I picture for myself or want. I don’t think I’ll ever be the country club type, especially in the city we live in. I really liked my public schools growing up. I do feel like a giant house and multiple cars is ostentatious (trying not to judge here!). Can we both be happy together in the future? Should we break up before we get to that point and neither of us think we’ve made good compromises? I don’t like asking friends about this because it feels braggy
Anonymous
It sounds like it may be a fundamental difference in values. I grew up in the large house with the cars, and horses and country club memberships but I have not made those choices for myself.
We drive ten year old cars but my DH just took an unpaid year off work to be home with our kids. We could have easily bought two new cars with the money and renovated our dated master bed/bath. He works a job that allows him better hours than a consultancy but earns less money. We live in a smaller, older home closer to our workplaces for a shorter commute (more time together) and public schools for our kids. These are all choices that reflect our shared values.
These choices are not better or worse than friends who chose private schools or new cars or larger homes with a longer commute BUT, it’s easy to navigate friendships where those values differ – you don’t live with your best friend 24/7 or share a bank account. It’s really really hard to navigate a marriage/kids where your fundamental values differ.
You need to have some long discussions about how you picture your future lives together in 5/10/20 years. If you have a fundamental difference in what that looks like – then it may make sense to break up.
EM
Too many variables. And no one has a crystal ball, anyway.
Why don’t you start with asking him what kind of wife he sees for himself? Then have a discussion as to whether or not you see yourself in that role.
Anon
These things will come one step at a time — can’t you compromise? Get a McMansion and expensive cars, but get one in a top school district so your kids can go public; so you get your normal suburban-ish life, while he gets the houses and cars he’s worked hard for. As for the country club — let him join and go there to golf etc. Doesn’t mean it has to be a family affair on day 1 where you all will spend every Christmas “at the club.” Is he open to these kinds of compromises? Or is it one of those — my kids WILL go to private school, I don’t care what you think? In which case there are other issues to address.
Anon
I agree you may compromise on lifestyle and be happy- but also consider what your values are. One of my real sources of dissatisfaction with my spouse is his unwillingness to do volunteer work or give to charities. He’s generous to people he knows- but doesn’t see any need to give at all to Red Cross, SPCA, etc and even though he retired early and is home bored, refuses to consider volunteering. Its the way he was brought up, and as we were both broke when we met I didn’t realize this. Im the opposite and it really bothers me deeply now that we have a good income from my job and do, in fact, belong to a country club.
Also Anon
Divorced person chiming in here; I’m living in a big, stupid family home picked out by my ex-spouse who wanted the impressive house and so on until he decided he didn’t want to hold a job any more (mental health issues were partly in play.)
If I could do it over, I would never, ever buy a suburban house of this size, even in a great public school district (which ours is). My kids are happy but it’s a financial drag. I will certainly sell in the next few years as they get closer to college.
Bluntly, it sounds like he wants a life that you don’t want. I would not marry someone with whom I had such a strong difference of opinion about some nonnegotiable choices. IMO you should engage in some honest conversation. Maybe he’d do a great house in an interesting neighborhood, given that he also wants private schools. Maybe he’s never considered the possibility of extensive travel instead of a big house and bunch of cars. If not, you run the risk of ending up in a life that you already know you don’t want.
anne-on
Is he requiring you to change anything about your lifestyle to meet his goals (ie – are you worried he’ll expect you to be a stay at home spouse, instinctively know how to decorate a massive house, host lovely parties, etc.). If not (and I think you need to have a very clear conversation about this), then I think you will be fine. A lot of ideas about private schools change once you have kids – they tend to have their own preferences. Some children benefit from smaller focused private education, and some want to go to larger public schools. Country clubs can be what you make of them – you might enjoy having access to a community with a pool/gym/etc. and other moms to socialize with. Or honestly, it might just be his place to go as a necessary part of doing business (ie – lots of deals done on the golf or tennis courts).
What sounds like it is worrying you is the idea that you’re from different worlds and he is going to want to force you to join his ‘world’ or not respect the views and values of your ‘world’.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think this is the kind of fundamental difference that is hard to overcome. I disagree that you can take things one step at a time. I mean, yes, you can figure out together when the time comes to buy a car if you’re going to get a new BMW or a used Toyota and compromise if necessary, but it sounds like you have really different visions of the life you want and that kind of thing is hard to get past. I dated a guy who ran in these circles and I always felt uncomfortable and lonely, even though he was a very nice guy. I had my own friends and my job, but it was hard not having anything in common with his family or friends (and frankly, finding them all super vapid and shallow) and going to these endless country club events became super time-consuming and prevented me from doing things I actually wanted to do. It was a big part of why we broke up. My advice is to split now and look for someone who wants the same kind of future you do. Now that I’m married to someone a lot like me, I can’t imagine dating someone who wants to buy a McMansion or send our kids to fancy private schools.
Anonymous
These are very big differences.
And I take it, SO didn’t grow up around this wealth, and now wants to live his dream? Realize this will have a profound effect on your kids/their values/their growth.
I grew up lower middle class, and am more similar to you. I was proposed to by a guy who had your SO’s values. My answer was “no”, as that is too vast a gulf to cross, and is not how I wanted to raise my kids.
Sam
My DH and I have been married 10 years with 2 kids and we have had similar differences. We grew up in another country and he has always been an Amerophile. We moved to the US. I like the simple life and want a small place and to live close to the earth and grow my own vegetables. Instead, we’ve been slowly drifting in the direction you mention. Bought a 3br house, HCOL area, have cleaners and a cook and a nanny, and my DH likes to plan exotic vacations while I worry about the ratcheting up of our wants/needs into comparison with peers.
However. I love DH very, very much. I know he’s made other compromises and if this is the price of admission, I’m ok with it. I might have even come to like some of the trappings. Like the financial security and the time it affords me to go do stuff I enjoy like yoga and walking in the wilderness etc. My suggestion would be to wait and see.
Yup
If his “wants” listed aren’t at all negotiable then yeah, I would say deal breaker.
I dated a guy who went to same sex private school and I went to a mix of co-ed private and public school. He wanted private school for the kids and would not budge on this issue. The stubbornness was more of a problem than the actual school issue it turned out. He also wasn’t going to make more money than me at least it didn’t seem that way at the time (and is still true today) so that was another thing. I felt like his parents paid his way, so he wanted to make it easy on his kids. Whereas I was not given anything, and I feel like I wanted to go on nice vacations. But I was making more money and probably would. So why not do it my way? But you’ve already read more of my opinion that he was willing to listen to on this issue. This was mainly an issue of different backgrounds though and you two share that.
I think you can live in a nice neighborhood and still be reasonable not over the top. My high school friend who lived in a huge house in a nice neighborhood drove an older used car (while her parents didn’t), they reused sandwich bags, and refilled water bottles. I remember her mother always clipping coupons at the table. Also, you could compromise by making sure certain charitable goals are met with the money. I get what you mean but I don’t think it necessarily has to define you either.
Country Clubs aren’t all socializing. Maybe you could have a few good friends to play tennis and golf with, hit the pool and gym, and go to dinner where they know what you like. I don’t really have experience with it nor do I desire to but I think I would be initially turned off like you said and then remember the athletic component and try to make it work.
It definitely sounds like this warrants further discussion.
anon a mouse
Consider what your life together looks like — and whether he could truly be happy — if something knocked your earning potential dramatically off course. If one of you were disabled and the country went into a recession, and you couldn’t live in a fancy house and afford private schools, would he be miserable? Would you be miserable with him? To me it’s less about the stuff and more about whether or not you have a partnership (and a partner) that could withstand financial ups and downs.
Life happens. Happiness shouldn’t hinge on material things.
Sad day
I’m having a sad day. I feel like husband is on the brink of leaving me. We’ve been married less than a year. We’ve been together for almost 10. Turns out that red flags and problems that existed since the beginning of our relationship didn’t go away over time (I guess I was just wishful thinking all along?). I wish we could be happy together, but I’m starting to doubt if that is even possible anymore. I hate seeing someone I love so miserable, and I also hate the idea of not being with him.
I’m sad for myself. I’m ashamed. I’m scared for the future. I’m 37, and I want children. I feel very alone.
Anon
I’m so sorry. *hugs*
Anon
Have you started going to a therapist? They are so helpful and will help you see if the red flags can be worked on.
Msj
Big hugs.
in a similar place
From one person going through relationship sadness to another…I’m so sorry! This just feels so real and sad. If you’re in NYC I’ll buy you a drink.
So Anon
I mentioned some relationship sadness a few threads up. I feel you. Hugs.
Anon
I’m so sorry my dear. If you’re in the SF Bay Area I’ll buy you a drink. Go do something that makes you happy today – whether it’s watching Gilmore Girls or curling up with a good book or going for a nice walk or catching Pokemon.
Senior Attorney
Please don’t be ashamed, although I have been where you are and I totally get the shame aspect.
I second the suggestion for therapy, but I am also here to tell you that the miracle of the right relationship can only happen once you’ve had the courage to walk away from the wrong relationship.
Big hugs. This is hard.
Sad day
Thanks, all.
Senior Attorney – I admit that, lately, I’ve read your posts about your new, happy relationship with tinge of “Maybe I’ll be that happy in twenty years time!” followed by a quiet whisper of “Maybe I should try and be that happy *now*…”
Senior Attorney
YES!!! Maybe you should!!!
Jewelry for adults
Me: 40 but looks 30. Slim and fond of knits (St. John, eg.) I don’t have pierced ears so have begun looking to add necklaces to my wardrobe. So many pictures I see online are of “statement necklaces”, which I don’t always think are appropriate for someone my age…or at least, the image I want to present. But I don’t want any staid, boring pieces, either. Do you have any recs?
Anonymous
Do you want to look 30, or a fabulous 40?
Jewelry for adults
Oh, a fabulous 40 for sure. My point of reference is that, by default, I already look rather young. I would rather look…not older per se, but def. more sophisticated.
Anonymous
Then I’d stay away from the statement necklaces. They do read older, or just too loud/trendy at the other extreme.
Delicate, have a long and short. I also like the Y necklaces.
If you like pearls, be careful on the length so you don’t look dowdy. Layered pearl necklaces look better to my eye. Or go with a dark Tahitian pearl.
Senior Attorney
Also, it’s my view that as one gets older, one’s pearls should get bigger. So if you go with pearls, make sure you get pearls of a substantial size.
anon
Fwiw I think big statement necklaces might be on their way out. I’ve been seeing more delicate pieces lately. Y-necklaces are making a comeback and forrtunately a lot of them look more grown up than the ones I wore in the 90s. I’ve really been enjoying bar necklaces too, link below.
https://www.katespade.com/products/dainty-sparklers-bar-pendant/WBRUA109.html?cgid=ks-jewelry-necklaces&dwvar_WBRUA109_color=922#start=55&cgid=ks-jewelry-necklaces
Sydney Bristow
I love both statement necklaces and more dainty pieces. I’m hoping to get this for Christmas, which might fit the kind of style you are looking for: https://www.etsy.com/listing/156510729/everyday-necklace-minimal-14k-gold-fill
CPA Lady
Are you talking about fine jewelry or something more low cost but still nice looking?
For lower cost, I like Talbots and sometimes Ann Taylor. They have some stuff that is too much for me, but a lot of classic nice looking necklaces that aren’t too flashy in that J Crew kind of way.
For finer jewelry, maybe David Yurman? It’s not my thing at all, but a lot of people seem to like it.
Jewelry for adults
Does one get to a point where one needs fine jewelry to look a certain way?
Weirdly, I don’t like Yurman at all. I have friends who do but it is not for me.
I have a love affair with pearls. The older I get, the more my single strand looks wimpy.
Senior Attorney
As I posted above, it’s probably because the pearls are too small for your age. Upgrade to some bigger ones and it won’t look wimpy at all.
Delta Dawn
I would look for interesting pendants. I agree with the above advice that heavier/chunky necklaces may be taking a backseat to more delicate ones. Without competing earrings, you can get away with a larger pendant on a pretty chain that doesn’t veer into statement necklace territory. The David Yurman suggestion above is great– they have a design called Chatelain that is one gem with four diamonds at the corners. You can find it without diamonds and with a metal border instead. Those are lovely and noticeable without being statement-y.
Anony
Diamonds by the yard from Tiffany (or similar). I think this is the next jewelry piece I want.
Anonymous
Advice on how I can support my sister in a rough situation? My sister recently moved home and back in with our parents. She moved from our home city to a bigger one upstate after she graduated high school.
She was working in office and was going to night school. She is pregnant and her boyfriend died in a car accident just after she found out. That’s what she told us.
She was actually working as a waitress and not going to night school. The father of the baby is a married man who is very much alive. My parents found out the truth because the wife of the married man filed for divorce and is suing my sister, who was served with the papers in front of my parents. The family of the deceased man my sister claimed as her boyfriend is angry and told her to stop claiming online that they were dating because they were not. My sister also lied about having a roommate. She had one for a bit when she first moved but eventually the married guy put her up in an apartment. The reason she actually moved back home is because his wife found out and he stopped seeing her and paying her bills.
We all love her and want to be there for her. Her actions though…
Marshmallow
Her actions don’t seem that terrible to me, honestly. She got involved with a married man, got pregnant, and then presumably lied about it to her family because she was embarrassed and ashamed. She was dependent on this guy, pregnant with his child, and he just kicked her out of her home and her life. That’s awful. Becoming involved with a married man was obviously a mistake but it doesn’t make her a terrible person. She sounds at least partially like a victim to me.
Talk to her, tell her you love her, be excited for the baby. Throw her a shower. Can you help her get back in school or find an apartment, if that’s what she wants? Can you help her find representation to help with the lawsuit? (I’m still not clear on this by the way– what could the wife possibly sue for?)
Anonymous
She is being sued for ‘Alienation of affection’. I’m work in finance and not law so I don’t know what that means. The married guys wife is alleging that she was the breadwinner and that he spent six figures on my sister over their affair and I think she wants it back. Privately my sister told me she knew he was married and that she didn’t care and made the moves on him first. I love her and will support her and the baby however I can but I admit to having a hard time with all this.
Anonymous
**the married guy’s wife was the breadwinner and she is alleging that he (the married guy) used six figures of money she earned on my sister behind her back.
EM
If you are looking to provide support, I would first address the practical issues: the lawsuit, possible child support, and finding an ob-gyn.
Anonymous
I agree with this. You don’t have to approve, or even pretend that you do. But if you’re looking to provide support, these practical issues are good ways to do it.
TorontoNewbie
+1 you can be loving, supporting, and helpful with her without having to condone her actions. I wouldn’t berate her – I’m sure lots of other people (and her internal monologue) already are. But be there, be loving and show her that you aren’t going to abandon her.
Anon
She knew he was married and she initiated the affair. That doesn’t mean she is the most horrible person ever but she is not a victim. She knew full well what she was doing.
(Sorry OP. I don’t mean to disrespect your sister but she is not a victim like the above poster said)
Marshmallow
Who said she initiated the affair or that she knew he was married when it started? Clearly she isn’t entirely blameless because at some point she knew. But it also sounds like he manipulated her or took advantage of her.
Marshmallow
Okay I just saw the above comment from OP which changes my assessment somewhat. But when I said she was the victim it was not at all clear that she knew he was married or who made the first move.
Anonon
Even without OP’s clarification, I don’t think the sister is a victim. She is an adult who made mistakes, that’s not the same as a victim. Although, I don’t think the label really matters. She probably feels embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. OP, in your shoes I would focus on being there for her if she needs to talk about what happened, suggesting therapy (if that’s not already in the works), and what, if anything, she needs for the baby.
Kudos for you for willing to help her. This is a tough situation. I would be very upset with a family member who did this, and especially using a deceased person as a fake boyfriend. That person’s family really shouldn’t have to deal with this and hopefully, that’s the first thing she remedies.
Dulcinea
Remind her and your family that sometimes good people do bad things. I believe that virtually everyone has done some things they are not proud of and there’s no use in trying to rank or compare as if whatever bad thing you have done is not as bad as what she has done…the point is, you know what it is to act on an impulse you know is wrong. What matters is that you recognize what you’ve done wrong, make amends/apologize where possible, and strive to do better in the future. There’s nothing she can do now to change the past and what’s important is that she focuses on putting her life back together and making the best decisions she can regarding her pregnancy and potential future child.
Anonymous
Where is alienation of affections still a legal cause of action?!?
Lana
Do any ‘rettes in DC have recommendations for a something fun to do for a fairly low-key but special bachelorette party? We aren’t looking to go crazy wild. We plan to start early afternoon and we probably won’t make it a very late night (it’s going to be just a few days before the wedding). Any suggestions for wineries, high tea, tours, or something else that is special to celebrate? The bride is from DC, so we want something more than a normal day out. This will be in late April if the weather changes what you would do. Thanks!
Emmer
Reston Limousine does wine tours in VA that leave from the DC area – try looking into those. I’ve also had a lot of fun at cooking classes at CulinAerie. If you’re into it, the Pole Pressure studios will also schedule a private class for bachelorette parties! I know many of the instructors and it is not at all cheesy or risque, just fun that is a little bit sexy.
DC Bachelorette
For my similar-sounding bachelorette party, we did the below things. Sounds like you’re looking to contain to one day (I had out of town folks, and so we had two nights, but I really mean that you could mix and match any of the activities–they were roundly enjoyed).
-dinner at Boundary Road/mini golf at H St. Country Club on Friday night
-Port City Brewing (Alexandria) and Green Hat Gin during daytime Saturday (we were gong to do a DC brewery too, but didn’t have time)
-dinner at Baby Wale and drinks afterwards at the Passenger Saturday night
We also tossed around bowling or similar, which I think would have been really fun, but it didn’t fit time-wise
anon
VA wine country is fun. You could stay at a hotel or B&B and hire a driver or party bus to take you around to the wineries.
Shenandoah
+1. Rent a limo or van and head to western Loudoun County for wine/beer tasting. There’s even a great distillery in Purcellville – Catoctin Creek. And there are cideries in the area. Plenty of options and gorgeous views.
NOVA
My cousin did a mixology class in DC and said it was the best she’s done. I’m not sure where she went, but I bet many places offer it.
Bonnie
Barrel Oak Winery is about an hour away and has a big inside space if the weather isn’t cooperating. You can bring your own food or preorder from the winery.
Meredith Grey
The Ritz in Tysons and Pentagon City offer a high tea. I’m not sure if they only do it on specific days, but the D.C. one might do it too.
Duchess
Tea at the Willard was lovely and felt very special.
Anon
Can I pile onto all of the divorce questions today? So, my ex and I separated almost 2 years ago (married for over 8 years before the separation), but we’ve continue to go on a date here and there. Recently we’ve been meeting up about once or twice a week. He was the one that originally asked to move out and end things, but to be honest, I was completely relieved after we separated. The last few years of our marriage before the separation had been pretty terrible – he was always in a bad mood, I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, I felt like he was always judging me (for gaining weight, for the work that I do, my friends, etc), and he was a jerk directly to some of my friends. Another part of why we separated was that I wanted to start a family, and he wasn’t ready (I’m 36 and a half, so need to start a family soon).
He now says that he wants to start a family, realizes he was in a bad place the last few years of our marriage, really loves me and misses me, etc, etc. Part of me wants to give this a try to see if we can move this forward and part of me thinks there is too much history there and I can’t trust him to not leave again. I’ve been dating other people, and I’ve had some really great dates (and some laughably bad ones), which makes me think I should just SFAMO. I just really feel stuck. I think I like the advice above about maybe trying the Gottman type counseling, but I don’t know if I really want to give this a chance. I don’t know what I’m really looking for here – just getting my thoughts out, advice from internet strangers, general commiseration?
AB
I don’t believe that I could ever have a truly contented life with someone who divorced me. I think I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. At the very least, there would be an element of trust missing from the get-go that I don’t think I could get past. I’m sure there are good qualities there, but without the prospect of that foundation, I couldn’t do it.
Anon
I could easily be your ex in this scenario. I split from my long term SO after being constantly in a terrible mood and borderline verbally/emotionally abusive for several years. I finally had the realization that I just didn’t love them the way they loved me, and I wasn’t as committed to the relationship as perhaps I once was. And there didn’t seem to be a great resolution as we tended to bring out some of our worst tendencies in each other, and it hasn’t been that way with other partners. It seems that your ex realized he wants a family and is running back to you, the comfortable and logical option. I can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever truly feel secure with him and if you will actually be satisfied with the relationship.
Chris
Maybe try counseling just for yourself first?
I’ve been down a similar path, and now I have a “no going back” rule. It can be nice to have the history and comfort level with someone, but do you really want to be with someone who made you feel like that and treated you like that? His excuse of being in a bad place at the time doesn’t justify taking it out on another person. If you do consider it, make sure he really has changed. When I got back with my ex-boyfriend after him swearing he’d changed and missed me and loved me and all that, it took him about 2 months to end up exactly where we were. At that point I’d realized that I had changed between time 1 and time 2, and he was still hanging onto the person I used to be and expecting me to put up with his mood swings. It didn’t last long :)
Anonymous
+1 While we weren’t married, I was treated very poorly by someone because they going through the “worst time of [their] life.” I ended it, as a result, which hilariously came as a huge surprised to him. After we broke up, he had a come to Jesus moment with himself, apologized profusely, and fell all over trying to get me back. I tried to give him a chance, but the bad moments from the relationship were forever seared into my mind. Prior to him, I had always had a no going back rule. I am now and forever sticking to that rule. YMMV
Hazelnut
Like everyone, I vent to my DH a lot about various co-workers at work. Only recently have I realized that he has kind of a skewed view on them (one is “lazy,” the other has “no perspective,” etc.) and has no desire to go to my company parties and chat with them, even though I actually generally like my colleagues (and I like going to company parties). Is the only solution to this for me to just stop talking about people at work so much? Obviously this is my fault for casting some people in a negative light, but obviously I don’t do this at work so I need to vent to someone about little, annoying incidents.
Senior Attorney
I don’t know that everybody does vent a lot about co-workers. Some time ago somebody told me about the Complaint Free World book and app and it’s been great. Basically, the idea is just no complaining at all, about anything, for, like, a month. I did it a while back and it got to be a habit and I swear I’m happier for it.
Anonymous
+1. I think everyone vents occasionally, but it sounds like you’re complaining about them quite a bit. Cutting back would seem to be a natural first step.
The Good, The Bad and The ...
Or, if you generally like your co-workers, tell some good stories about them as well. Surely all of your work stories can’t be complaints. That way your dh is getting a more balanced view of them.
Anon
Agree with all comments above… I didn’t realize how negative I had gotten until DH said something about , “Bob, that guy at work that you can’t stand…”. Me: “what? Bob’s a great guy!”
Wildkitten
What works in online dating? I had some good luck with OkCupid when I was in a smaller town, but aren’t getting replies in the big city. Tinder has overwhelming numbers of guys I don’t want to date, and I can’t figure out how to operate Bumble, it seems like I am required to do all of the work on that one. What do you guys like? Where and how do you find people you actually want to meet up with?
BabyAssociate
This is not a particularly helpful response, but in my experience it has really varied significantly by geographic area. I’d ask single people in your area what they use!
Wildkitten
Good idea! DC and NYC.
Amanda
I’m in NYC and I actually really like Bumble. I do feel like more of the work is on me, as you do have to reach out first. I also feel like the guys tend to just chat more and never really ask for a date, so I just text a couple of times and then ask to meet up for drinks or coffee. I hate texting and talking on the phone, so I’d much rather meet up for 30 minutes in person.
Someone (maybe on here) had mentioned that people (read: guys) tend to want to couple up more in the winter, with holidays making people feel more nostalgic, and I definitely feel like I’ve been getting a better hit rate the last month or so!