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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Tori Herringbone Cotton and Wool Blend Jacket 

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Nordstrom has some really fantastic post-holiday markdowns, including a bunch of selections from workwear-favorite Reiss. This herringbone-patterned blazer would be easy to work into just about any wardrobe. As someone who is always looking for a pop of color, I usually try to avoid black-and-white outfits, but I love the idea of wearing this with a classic white blouse and black trousers. It would also look great with a bright sheath or pencil skirt.

The jacket is $272.98, marked down from $455, and available in sizes 0–10. Tori Herringbone Cotton & Wool Blend Jacket

This herringbone sweater blazer from Talbots is on sale for $64.99–$74.99 and comes in regular sizes, plus, and plus petite. 

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Sales of note for 12.5

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409 Comments

  1. We are looking for a family-friendly beach resort for the week after this coming Christmas (2020). It needs to allow kids, hopefully have suites, be on the beach, and be in a zika free country. I would also hope it would be somewhere close to the airport, meaning that we wouldn’t have to fly to a country and then take a puddle jumper somewhere (which is what I’m seeing in Belize, for example, although I would love another option there). Any ideas??

    1. You should talk to your OB about what they consider Zika-free… the CDC says the Caribbean/Mexico are no longer in active outbreak status, but my OB was not comfortable with me going to one of the countries that had an outbreak previously because why take the risk. I think there are only a few Caribbean countries that never had Zika outbreaks: Grand Cayman, Bahamas and maybe one more that I’m forgetting.

      1. Thanks! This is not actually a requirement for me, it’s for someone else on the trip (who isn’t pregnant or TTC, so I’m not sure how strict she will be on this requirement).

        In any event, any suggestions for Cayman or Bahamas?

        1. Check out Kimpton Seafire in Grand Cayman. It would meet your requirements and is very kid-friendly.

    2. I would put Aruba high on your list. No Zika ever, very safe, good restaurant scene, good flights from the east coast, many resorts at various price points. We stayed at the Hyatt and really liked it. Good activities for kid but did not have the feeling of being overrun by kids.

    3. Aulani (Disney resort) in Hawaii? It checks all the boxes, if you don’t mind Disney. It sounds like you may be coming from the east coast, so it’s a pretty long trip if you don’t have a long vacation.

  3. Should I do this? I was temporarily promoted to supervisor of a group of 15 people (fed govt) while my supervisor took a temporary promotion elsewhere for 4 months. My regular job is to be the deputy manager of the group (non-supervisory, team lead type position). Things went great and each person really performed well at an incredibly busy time. I love working with the group.

    We are now going back to normal – boss is coming back, I go back to my old role. I was thinking of writing each person a short note thanking them individually for their excellent work, great team leadership or contributions, and generally making it possible to be a successful first time supervisor of a huge group of people with some massive deadlines. I have specific positive things to note for each person.

    Should I do this? I was thinking of an actual card for each person. Is it weird? I have expressed appreciation throughout as appropriate, but thought it might be a nice way to close out this time. Or should I send each person an email? Or just say thanks at our next all hands?

    1. I’d opt for email or face to face. Don’t reference it being your first time leading. Just say how much you appreciated their support during the tough transition time. Also weigh carefully with boss’s eyes in mind. You don’t want to look like your politicking to replace him/her.

    2. I would send a bunch of emails to your supervisor (although you may ask him/her in advance if that is okay or at least give a head’s up) praising the specific positive things and cc the person. But other folks who supervise larger groups that me might disagree with this route. I’m assuming your supervisor is also their supervisor.

    3. You can never go wrong with personally thanking people. Not weird, lovely, and something I’m sure they’d appreciate.

    4. Is there a formal review process for them? A card is lovely, but you might also want to ask how your feedback can be considered for their next evaluation cycle.

    5. I’d do it by email, with a copy to the returning boss. Definitely make it about each person’s achievements and contributions, not about how they made it possible for you to be a successful supervisor. They didn’t do you a personal favor (hand-written card!)–they made important contributions to your organization’s advancement. You are being an effective strategist and supervisor by identifying and recognizing these contributions.

      Of course, you could also say something general at the next meeting (when the boss returns) or even do something like plan an informal breakfast to welcome back the boss and say a few words about how effective the team was and how much you appreciate the good work at a busy time.

      If you have some sort of HR mechanism for adding positive remarks to the evaluation files of people you don’t supervise, you could do that, too. In my organization, there is a “kudos” option in our online HR system that goes to the staff member’s supervisor before annual evaluations/raises. If you’re able to do this sort of thing, you could mention to the team that you’ve take this action for each of them.

      1. Agreed! Don;t make this about you, make it about them. Feedback like this is best provided to the person who writes their annual review–he/she needs to know that they continued on with great work during a transitional period.

      2. Thanks – this is good reframing! You are right that it was not a personal favor. I will have the opportunity to contribute notes to the mid year reviews, so I will focus on that, and also send a short personal email to each (with cc to the returning boss – I’ll check with him first), appreciating their contributions and in some cases extraordinary achievements. I will not mention bring a first time supervisor, but instead focus on the transition time and a few other institutional challenges we had as a group.

  4. I bought a Boden Margie Ottoman Dress, it comes with a cloth belt. While wearing, the belt does not stay put/buckled, after 30min the belt will be unbuckled and hanging by the two thread loops that keep it in place. I otherwise love this dress. I can wear a different belt, not wear a belt, but I also love it with the belt, so are there any tips for keeping the cloth buckle belt together? I’m think safety pin, but that seems long terms like it might ruin the fabric?

    2. Could you sew a snap or two on the interior of the belt to keep it buckled? A tailor could do this, I would think.

      1. +1.

        Also, Boden goes to size 22 now??? This is super exciting, brand new information.

    3. I would experiment with double sided tape — ideally on the fabric both before and just after the buckle (I suspect it is the fabric sliding around that is causing it to come unbuckled). You could also try some tape (or a very light bead of something like silicone caulk) on the underside of the buckle. I think you need to add friction to the buckle as well.

      1. I think you’re right on friction, but I’m so absent minded I feel like I would forget to take the tape off before washing and it would cause more problem… Or, I guess I’m not washing the belt… probably…

        1. I have a few blouses where I use fashion tape to prevent gaping at the chest. I wash them on delicate without removing the tape and have had no issues. YMMV and “ottoman” makes me think of a heavier weight ponte so not sure fashion tape will hold.

  5. Is anyone else following the “sober curious” movement? I drink rarely and wouldn’t consider myself part of the movement, but I’m intrigued that more people are considering what life without alcohol could look like. I’ve found that a lot of people in my life haven’t even really been able to conceptualize it (“what do you mean no alcohol at the restaurant…”) and some of them are interested in sobriety now. For some reason it seems to be taking hold.

    1. I drink lightly/never but I’ve only heard of the sober curious movement online. I don’t know anyone IRL who uses that term.

    2. I have read a few articles, mostly trying to figure out if it’s a real thing or an internet thing.

    3. I am currently sober and not at all comfortable with the idea of a “movement”.
      It seems like just another way for people to police what they put into their bodies (a la keto, whole30, intermittent fasting or whatever other restrictive intake trend is in vogue). I quit drinking a while back for my own reasons, not to be part of some external movement.

    4. I’ve been sober for nearly 10 years… it’s really not that big of a deal. You can literally go to any event where alcohol is served and just not drink it!

    5. I find it really offensive. Sobriety is a precious hard won thing for alcoholics. You want to drink less go right ahead but don’t appropriate the terminology of people struggling with life shattering addiction.

      1. Na I disagree. Sober just means you consciously don’t drink. You don’t have to have an addiction to use that word.

        1. Yes but I think too many people using it aren’t sober at all. They’re just drinking less.

          1. This and I’ve also heard of a few – ok, more than a few – who seemingly detest the effects of alcohol and the alcohol industry but support and use other substances, including some still prohibited under federal law though currently legal medicinally and recreationally in more and more states. I just…. don’t understand.

        2. I always took, “I’m sober” to mean “I don’t drink because drinking has been a problem for me in the past”, whereas, “I don’t drink” meant abstaining for religious, social or other health reasons. To me, “sober” has specific connotations relating to a drinking problem.
          Interesting how these words can have such different meanings for people.

          1. I don’t have that assumption. I seldom drink, maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but I’ve never had a problem with alcohol. I’ve said “I’m spending NYE sober” because I just prefer not to.

            Several family members are/were alcoholics, and I therefore choose to rarely drink because I’ve seen too much out of control behavior.

            I also prefer to be the designated driver because I’ve been in situations where the DD gets drunk. I can trust myself to not drink and stick to it.

      2. I agree with you @ 9:38. There is a huge difference between testing out not drinking at all and actually having an addiction making it that much harder to not drink.

        1. Though I will caveat with one thing. I know someone doing it to essentially test out if she has an issue or not. She realized so many of her work events and social events are alcohol focused and she wanted to see if she could go a month without drinking. If she couldn’t she was concerned that was a problem. I can understand that. There are days I go out and say I’m not drinking and then have a drink anyway and I’m not a big fan of that. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic but I hate how hard it can be to say no to it sometimes for reasons that are ingrained in our society.

          1. I don’t know if being able to abstain for 30 days means you definitely don’t have a problem.

          2. I think the idea was the other way around: If abstaining for 30 days turns out to be super hard, that verifies that there is a problem.

        1. yeah this definitely annoys me. But I am all for normalizing not drinking (or not drinking often or a lot) in social situations, so I guess that’s good.

    6. I really like that there are more ‘fun’ non-alcholic options these days as opposed to Pellgrino and sodas. So many of us simply don’t want to drink that much for various reasons (health, small kids who still wake up at the crack of dawn, sports/training the following day, etc.) but it’s nice to have an option that still feels special.
      I also think more of Europe has this nailed – meeting for tapas and having juice/wine cut with water/sparkling sodas was SO common in Spain and Italy and not looked down on at all.

      1. Genuine question – I’m curious as to what these options are when you are out and about at an event/restaurant. I was recently pregnant, followed by breast feeding, so I wasn’t drinking at all while pregnant and was more closely monitoring my drinking while nursing. My biggest struggle of not drinking during this time is that I feel like there are just not options that have the similar sharp taste of a martini, beer or glass of wine. I found that all mocktail options I encountered tend to trend toward the saccharine sweet end of the spectrum, and I have unlimited seltzer water at work, so drinking fizzy water while out is just not anything special. I can’t get past the smell of a lot of Kombuchas, and the ones that were tolerable again, had a lot of sugar. If you don’t like the taste of Kombuchaor tea and don’t want saccharine sweet juices or mocktails, and don’t want fizzy water…. what are you left with? I’m genuinely curious.

        1. Not much. I figured out pretty quickly that mocktails just remind me that the whole thing would be improved by replacing the sugar with bourbon, so I’ve been drinking a lot of seltzer and unsweetened iced tea for the last eight months.

        2. My favorite mocktails have strong Ginger beer.

          Here in St Louis, Wellbeing Brewery only makes non alcoholic craft beer. Their stuff is in local restaurants sometimes. I started drinking their dark Amber (Hellraiser) when I was pregnant and still drink it now.

          Also if you’re at a bar with a good bartender, ask for something interesting with no alcohol and not sweet. I’ve gotten some really cool/tasty stuff that way. The bartenders like the challenge.

        3. I would lean toward sours like grapefruit and lemon, and have them mixed with seltzer rather than sprite. There are also shrubs, and the base is vinegary, so those might work.

          I had a party this weekend and made a “signature cocktail” which was a blend of fruit juices, grenadine, and simple syrup + gin. It was easy enough to make everything but the gin in a jar, and add it to soda water for my one friend doing Dry January. For everyone else I shook one serving size with gin. The glasses were the same and had the same garnish.

        4. I recently had a drink at a restaurant made with Seedlip (it was like a non-alcoholic moscow mule) and enjoyed it for what it was. I’ve heard good things about certain n/a beer but haven’t tried them — I don’t think I like beer enough for that to appeal to me (I did really miss beer in a prior pregnancy and ended up drinking it while bfeeding, it’s good for production and I was never too drunk to drive, which is one standard I’ve seen for bfeeding although have also seen more liberal).

      2. Serious question. There are people who would “look down” at you for ordering iced tea or soda? Seriously? You would care what such losers think?

    7. It seems awfully melodramatic to me. If you want to drink less/not at all, be my guest. But labeling it a movement is just so eye-roll worthy. Drinking (or not) is a personal decision, not a chance for moral-oneupmanship.

      I say that as a person who doesn’t drink solely because I can’t stand the taste of any liquor. My not drinking is not more virtuous than someone’s decision for have wine at dinner.

      1. Agreed. Either alcohol is a serious problem for you in which case you should get professional help and pursue actual sobriety or it isn’t in which case you can just drink less without making it a whole big thing.

      2. I mean, I think it’s meant to be more inspirational/helping to normalize sobriety in social settings than “oneupmanship.”

        1. I wish it was that but I don’t think it is…it feels more like yet another Insta quote fodder to signal just how “healthy” and “clean” your intake regime can be.

      3. This. I don’t understand why everything has to be “movement” and I agree with the above poster that it seems like so many of these things are Internet “movements” that seem to exist solely so online news reporters have something to write about. I barely drink (1-2 drinks a week is a lot for me) but I don’t care if others drink more or less than me; that’s their business. If you don’t want to drink, don’t. There’s no need to get sanctimonious or self-righteous about it. Sometimes I think people who do things like this are like the people who shame others for what they spend, what they save, what they eat, what they wear, etc. – they are people who only experience joy when they can criticize others and feel virtuous for doing the “right thing.” There’s no other joy or happiness or fulfillment in their lives.

        1. +1. Also, who seriously can’t understand the oncept not ordering alcohol at a restaurant? I’m pretty sure nearly every person has been to a restaurant and not ordered alcohol at least once in their life.

          1. Have you not read the countless posts here over the years about how hard it is to not order a drink at a restaurant when you’re pregnant or TTC? Women post all the time about “strategies” and “tips” and it’s become obvious that it’s not as simple as just abstaining for many women. Then there are others who find it hard to plan or participate in social activities that don’t have a drinking component (happened to a friend of mine and that’s how she realized she had a problematic relationship with alcohol). Fortunately, she’s been able to step back pretty easily and I’m glad because we’re able to have a lot more fun together in non-alcohol activities.

          2. Those posts are because they’re trying to keep their pregnancy a secret, not because they don’t understand how to drink a glass of water or whatever.

    8. No one in my close circles uses this terminology (they all drink), and I am not super active on social media so haven’t seen it. Timely though, as I just started reading Quit Like a Woman, as I know that while I am not addicted to alcohol, I certainly have a problematic relationship with it. I decided to stop drinking for many reasons and was curious about the author’s opinions/experiences with alcohol and sobriety.

      I’m only about 100 pages into it, but it’s been interesting and I have appreciated her discussions around the term alcoholic / non-alcoholic (she wants to eliminate the usage of it because she believes that it signifies if you aren’t categorized as an alcoholic you are more likely to assume you don’t have a problematic relationship with it even if you do) and her discussion about the toxicity of alcohol generally.

      I would never in a million years refer to myself as sober curious and I also don’t plan to make a big deal out of it. I went out with a friend the other night who I have previously drank very heavily with regularly. We went to a brewery, where I had water and after a quick question about why I wasn’t drinking (short answer which involved health and mindfulness), it wasn’t a big deal.

      1. Along those lines, I have been listening to the Take a Break podcat by Rachel Hart which also touches on some of those themes. If you like doing thought-work, it’s a good listen.

    9. I’m a sober person. But my “story” is not at all some kind of big dramatic thing with a rock bottom, shattered lives, damaged relationships, etc. I just had a moment of clarity one day, where I decided I was tired of feeling like garbage all the time, and sick of the amount of time I spent thinking about drinking, thinking about drinking less, and drinking more than I wanted to more frequently than I wanted to admit. I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff and decided to quit before I fell over the edge.

      Because of my experience, I think the sober curious movement, dry Jaunary, etc. is a good thing. AA has been helpful for me in a lot of ways, but I personally think that their understanding about what an alcoholic is and who can be an alcoholic and why, and what has to happen before an alcoholic will quit drinking is misguided. Because of them, there is this cultural narrative that there are two kinds of people, alcoholics and normal people, and no matter how much, how frequently, or in what circumstances a normal person drinks, they’ll never develop a problem. But that’s not actually true. Someone who drinks normally can over time drink more and more and pair that with a traumatic event, can become addicted. Alcohol is an addictive substance. While there are certain factors making it more likely that someone will become addicted, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a movement that gives people permission to examine their relationship with alcohol without it having to be some kind of embarrassing stigma. And to give people an easy(ish) out before they are drinking enough to hit some kind of dramatic rock bottom also seems like a good thing to me.

      And selfishly, I am happy for it because it’s nice to be able to go to a restaurant and get something interesting to drink that doesn’t have alcohol in it.

      1. +100. I don’t know why people here are so black and white “Either you are an alcoholic or you can just choose to drink less and not make it a Thing”. Also the word sober is not copyrighted by diagnosed alcoholics – sober just means not drunk. That can be a permanent or a temporary thing.
        As is obvious from this whole thread, there are lots of individual situations that are not as black and white. Someone might want more variety or interesting alcohol-free offers. Someone might feel social pressure to order a drink, either from friends or the bartender. Someone might go out, intending to not drink that day, but getting lured in by a nice cold beer or by pure habit of ordering something.
        Sure, just use your willpower and not drink. But maybe a ‘movement’ means the bar will offer an interesting alternative because more people order it, once it swaps the ‘lame-o beverage’ reputation for ‘hip thing’. Maybe a ‘movement’ that you can cite is useful in deflecting snarky comments from friends. Maybe following a hashtag makes somebody feel like they are part of a community and therefore gives their motivation a little boost. If it works for them, what is the bloody problem?

    10. Like others, I’ve never heard anyone use this term IRL. What I have noticed is that all of my friends who are under 40 are drinking less now, and high-end bars in my SEUS city generally have a much broader nonalcoholic menu than they used to. My over-40 friends (especially single women) still seem to be hitting the alcohol fairly hard – maybe even harder than they used to.

    11. I have a friend (40years+) who cannot fathom a 30 dry run. The best they could offer was abstaining on Monday – Tuesday – Wednesday.

    12. Yikes, people are so judgmental about this! I’ve read the book and I think it’s a really great idea and I’ve personally used some of what I’ve read to really cut down on my drinking. For those of you who care so much about what other people are doing, don’t worry, I don’t go around trying to get other people to be sober curious. It’s just what works for me.

  6. I think it’s kind of silly to call it “sober curious,” but I also don’t think it ever hurts to take a step back and think about why and how much you drink. My small town has a sober music venue that is very popular. One of our craft beer bars has started serving hop tea, which is a nice alternative when I want to meet friends for happy hour but don’t feel like drinking alcohol.

    1. I would really appreciate it if more places started serving things that aren’t alcohol. I love going to bars but it would be so nice to sometimes be able to do that without drinking or to alternate. For example, recently I was on a date that started with a drink while we waiting for a table for dinner, a drink with dinner, and ended with a drink at another bar. I would have loved to have a non-alcoholic drink at the second bar — I wanted to continue hanging out but there were just no places to go other than bars that were convenient and open. In retrospect, I should have just gotten a soda but if the bar had something “special” and non-alcoholic I would have liked that even better.

      1. Every single bar serves non alcoholic options literally this is nonsense. You can always get a soda or a water or club soda and add lemon lime or a splash of cranberry.

        If you decided to get another alcoholic drink that’s all on you.

        1. nah, it’s nice to order and actual mocktail and not just like a soda and lemon…also there’s less concern that you’re going to get side-eye for coming to a bar and not drinking/ordering something cheap. this is especially true if you are with someone else and you’re both not drinking (in my experience, it’s ok for one person to pass on alcohol, but if you’re a couple and you both do it, then it’s a bit weird…also, you can’t just like keep ordering rounds of club soda).

          also, good mocktails are often delicious (and hit that bitter note, rather than just sweet [juice] or sour [lemon]).

          source: have been doing “Dryanuary” for ~5 years, along with my husband.

          1. Yeah, this is why I like the hop tea so much. It tastes good and the price is the same as an actual beer, so I don’t just sit there and drink free club soda all night.

          2. I’m confused. I just don’t see side-eye when I go to a bar and order a non-drink. I do this all the time.

        2. This gets weird though when everyone in your party is ordering a club soda and lime. Met a few girls for a drink and it turned out none of us were drinking. The waitress was very unimpressed with serving 4 waters so we ended up getting sodas but didn’t want to sugar/caffeine.

          1. I mean, that’s a venue-selection problem, not a bar-not-serving-mocktails problem. If you’re going out with a group of people, none of whom intend to drink, seems logical to go somewhere that isn’t alcohol-focused, like a coffee shop or cafe or someone’s house. Just like you wouldn’t go to a restaurant when you’re not hungry and just order four waters for the table.

            And, to agree with the poster above, every bar serves non-alcoholic options, and even if they don’t have a “mocktails” menu, if you ask the waitress “can you ask the bartender to make a mocktail?”, they will definitely do so and happily charge you $6 for it.

        3. Ok I think you’re over simplifying.

          I really try to limit my soda consumption. I don’t want to replace one bad habit with another. I really don’t think suggesting to ppl to order soda is a great idea.

          I also feel bad taking up space at a bar drinking free water/soda water. It’s pretty much taboo.

          1. This this this. I posted above asking about options, but ginger beer is essentially a soda. I am the first to say that alcohol is all sugar, but a beer certainly tastes different from a coke. I don’t care if you drink or don’t drink and whenever I have people to my house I make sure there are a variety of non alcoholic sodas, juice and shrubs available. But these are all still sugary sweet drinks and usually fizzy. Maybe I’m the odd one out, but part of why I consume alcohol is that it has a radically different taste and flavor profile from water, soda, juice, coffee and tea. So, I guess ultimately, my question is: what is the non-alcoholic version of a gin martini? What flat, non fizzy drink, has that sharpness and bite of a gin martini?

          2. So you’re creating a false dichotomy where your options are (1) sit at bar drinking soda (which you’ve decided you don’t want to do) or (2) sit at bar drinking alcohol, in order to arrive at the conclusion that (2) is your only acceptable option. Obviously, drink alcohol if you want to, but there’s nothing objectively wrong with (1), especially if you’ve chosen to prioritize your sobriety over the bar’s “expectation” of your behavior. Or, just go somewhere other than a bar. Sure, sitting at a bar drinking club soda isn’t a perfect scenario, but you have to evaluate it in contrast to your alternatives, not just in a vacuum.

          3. It’s not remotely taboo. If all you want is water / soda / iced tea, so be it. If you feel bad, tip the waiter / bartender on the cost of an alcoholic drink.

            Seriously, this alleged side-eye over ordering soda (etc) is so overblown and made up. I couldn’t care less whether my dining companions are ordering water, soda, wine, beer or a mixed drink. It’s odd to care and it’s odder to care what others think. Tell me, do you make sure your appetizer / main course / dessert choices also meet with everyone’s approval?

        4. Why do you hate the idea so much of making it easier for people to drink less? You sound like you have some complex about making being sober as difficult as possible.

          1. It’s already easy for people to drink less. Every single venue serves plain water, iced tea, and various sodas. It doesn’t require a “strategy.”

      2. You can ask for ginger beer plus a squeeze of lime. (Moscow Mule without the vodka). It’s delicious!

        I do like when restaurants offer “homemade sodas” or mocktails that they specifically make, though.

  7. My phrase for 2020 is “perfection is the enemy of progress.” Also heard as perfect is the enemy of done or good. I’m a lawyer and started in real estate / mergers – perfect was required. I’ve shifted my practice to advising, and my clients would rather have a quick, solid answer verbally or in a six sentence email than a written research memo. I’m realizing they don’t care if I include citations or even if I have typos (not the goal, but trying not to beat myself up).

    I want to apply this in my personal life, too. Any examples you can share?

    1. I’m all about this too. Things like:

      – going to the gym for 30 minutes when I’m pressed for time is better than not going at all because I don’t have time to do my full 1 hour routine.
      – wiping small drops/spots off the kitchen floor when I don’t have time/desire to do the full mopping that is required
      – reading a novel for 10 minutes even though I don’t have time to finish a chapter.

    2. I’m quite decisive professionally but am personally an optimizer and will research decisions to death. It took me literally a year to select a paint colour and now I barely notice it. I’d like to start finding the ‘good enough’ option and going for it.

      1. Ugh lmk if you find specific strategies to help with that one. That’s my eternal struggle.

        1. At some point, you’ve eliminated obviously bad options (too dark, too expensive, too unique) and have several workable options in front of you. Pick one, any one, and ask yourself if you would really mind in six months if that were on your walls. If the answer is “no,” then you’ve either found your paint colour or you can go through a similar analysis with the others until you’ve eliminated the unworkable ones, and then just pick one from the remaining pile.

    3. Taking one or two grocery bags of donations to Goodwill at a time, rather than waiting til I have time to clean out our whole house or garage. Every little bit helps!

      1. Totally agree.

        I recently decluttered my bathroom drawers doing one at a time over multiple evenings (using a 20 minute timer) rather than saying I did not have time to do the whole thing at once. Found a ton of skincare samples I am using, threw out some garbage and the drawers are in way better shape – win all round.

    4. I’m a recovering perfectionist.

      It helped me to explore why I felt the need to do everything perfectly (some of it arises from my innate drive for excellence; some of it is because I come from a background wherein putting on a great show for the public is a method of hiding dysfunction, and demanding perfection is a way of exercising control). But excellence and perfection are far from synonymous. Time and money spent on one endeavor are not available for other activities, so the question is about wisely using limited resources. And people who demand perfection can go pound sand (outside of, e.g., a large law firm in a practice area wherein mistakes can be deeply problematic).

      If you start demanding perfection from yourself, ask yourself how much ‘good enough’ costs in terms of time and money, and then figure out how much extra ‘perfect’ or ‘the best’ costs. Sometimes, it’s worth it; other times it is not. Sometimes, you’ve only done ‘good enough’ for a while and therefore need to step up your game; other times, the benefits of ‘the best’ are almost non-existent.

      If someone in your life is demanding perfection, take a huge step back and explore exactly what they are trying to get at. Hint: unless you’re learning brain surgery, it’s about control or their own emotional needs. Normal people do not ask others to live perfect lives.

    5. -Going to the workout class and doing some modifications or taking breaks is better than not going.
      -Calling a grandparent or sending a card occasionally is better than no contact (if you can’t visit often).
      -Making one new friend is infinitely better than zero new friends.
      -Putting $50 into savings is better than none.
      -Stretching is better than not moving at all, even if that’s all the movement you can get.

    6. Oh this is a good one. A lesson I learned recently – just put the trash and recycling out to the curb. Don’t wait until you’ve collected every stray box. That’s how the recycling doesn’t get taken out.

      Packing for trips. Don’t wait until you have a solid 30 minutes+ to devote to packing. It’s ok if your jewelry or nighttime moisturizer don’t make it into the bag. It’s not ok if you’re rushing around at the last minute and you end up forgetting true essentials.

      Get up and go for a run even if it’s only 20 minutes and you planned on 40+.

    7. Someone used that exact phrase last year when I said I’d like to start flossing regularly. I aimed for 4 times a week, and it’s manageable enough that I stuck with it all year! It’s such a great phrase to live by

      1. I think that was me!! So glad it was helpful :)

        But that’s basically the guiding principle of my personal life, not just with flossing…

    8. Hi, posting late. I declutter one drawer or shelf at home each weekend. It really makes a difference. As did a year of filing one thing from my office every workday.

    9. Having friends over for whenever you want, instead of waiting until you can really clean your house and cook a great meal

  8. Looking for some help buying pearls, I know we have some experts on here! I recently got a new job which is a BIG step up from me and a graceful exit from my toxic current work situation of several years, and I’d like to celebrate by treating myself with a nice piece of jewelry. I really love fine jewelry and have a decent number of nice, professional pieces but I don’t have any “nice” pearl necklaces. I have a few cheaper freshwater pearl necklaces that are either princess or matinee length which were gifted to me (I’m not even sure they’re all genuine, to be honest). I am trying to decide on size (7mm? 8mm?), type (freshwater vs akoya? I think South Sea is out of budget), and number of strands (single or double?). I would like white for color and choker (16″) for length. Budget would be under $1k.

    How does one decide what type of pearl to buy, and what size? How do you know that they’re quality? I’ve done a decent amount of reading online about it and there seems to be a wide range of opinions. Even the grading scales for quality seem all over the place. Also, what are good retailers for these pearls? I’ve been looking at the Pearl Source primarily, but I have also browsed Pure Pearls and Pearls of Joy.

    Some helpful details about me: mid 30s, lawyer with daily client meetings, working and living in New England, tall and curvy (does body type factor into size at all, like picking print size with clothing?), and I have a toddler (not that I would wear them around him if I go with a more delicate pick).

    1. I’m one of the pearl experts. I feel like your most basic strand of white pearls should always be Akoya (Japanese cultured saltwater pearls), and should be as large in diameter as you can reasonably afford.

      In terms of type of pearl, the reason I say Akoya is that while Chinese freshwaters have come a long way, they still don’t have that perfect roundness and excellent quality control that Akoyas do.

      In terms of size of pearl, very few people wish they had smaller pearls as time goes on. Very small diameter pearls can look sort of young/girlish and you’d probably wear them a lot less than you would a somewhat more substantial brand with a lot of presence.

      For buying pearls of this type, I’d go online to Pearl Paradise. Do not visit a mall store for pearls. They don’t usually know what they have and they tend to be overpriced for what they are. The exception is of course Mikimoto, but you are paying 10x over for the brand name.

      1. +1 for all of this wisdom.

        I agreed re: pearl size! I am 50 and about to give a 7 mm necklace that I bought in my first “big job” in my 20s to my teenage daughter. I prefer 9 mm for Akoya these days; I also have a set of 12-15 mm silver baroque pearls that have a lot of presence and look splendid with black and gray.

      2. Thank you! I was debating between 7.5-8mm vs an 8-8.5mm because of the very large jump in price. It may just be worth it though, from your comments!

    2. I left you a comment in m.o.d. Pls check back. In short, buy 7.5-8mm akoyas from pe arl paradise.

          1. I think if you shop here or Pearls of Joy (both reputable) you can probably get 10% or so off by signing up for emails.

            I’m a Kojima Pearl fan (there are at least a couple of us here) but I don’t really go there for “the basics” – I really like all the unusual styles Sarah does.

          5. To Velma, those orbit clasps are actually pretty nice. You can attach pendants to them so you get a second way to wear the necklace. I’ve had a lot of my pearl claps changed out to orbits for this reason.

            LOVE those golden south seas!

    3. I love pearls, so I have a lot of opinion but not a lot of knowlege. I think it would be awesome if we could bring pearls back into style! Here’s what I know: unless you are specifically going for baroque, you want the smoothest roundest pearls possible. Definitely make sure they are strung onto silk and knotted between each pearl. Get a precious metal clasp (not plated or filled).

      Consider other colors besides white. White pearls are extremely formal, but you can get a gorgeous glow from pink pearls or other colors. Buy a cheaper pearl necklace (am currently wearing my pjs and my $50 dollar string of pearls because I am working at home fabulously) and see how you like the length, color, etc.

      I just love them they make everything prettier even sweatpants and feel nice, heavy, and cool to the touch.

      1. And now I want to buy myself some pearls but these examples are not in my budget. Any less expensive ideas?

        1. I bought a single pearl that was strung on a chain, loved it. You might try Etsy.

  9. Lets say you have an unexpected week free in February and you’d like to travel- where would you go? I’m so used to having a running list but wasn’t expecting this option. I’m not inclined to just sit on a beach and don’t want to fly more than 8 hours from NYC.

    1. I’d sit on a beach, but if you don’t want to do that maybe Argentina or Colombia? Lots to do there besides beach, but it will be warm. Europe in February is not my jam because my tourist plan in Europe is All The Walking but YMMV.

      1. I guess I should clarify, I’m not beach hostile, but quite fussy! So if you have beach suggestions that aren’t more than $250 a night, good for a solo traveler, and have truly excellent food I’m all ears!

        I’ve considered Colombia and Argentina but I’m def not up for going solo to Colombia.

    2. New Orleans domestically, any week except actual Mardi Gras week (before and after are fine, I just do not want any part of during); Peru internationally.

      1. After Mardi Gras in New Orleans can often be rainy and depressing. It’s weird. And before is all relative. There are parades as early as Feb 8th.

    3. Haven’t been there myself, but several friends have been to Porto in the past year and it looks delightful.

    4. I went to Southern Spain in February last year and it was lovely to walk (temps in the 60s to 80s). With one week I’d go to Seville and Cordoba. Great food, great history and culture, friendly locals.

      1. Carnival in Cadiz is a must. Other carnival places in Spain are in Canary Islands, I was in Tenerife in carnival years ago one week and it was great: plenty of things to see and do apart of the beaches and the party.

    5. Portugal! I went to Lisbon in February and it was lovely — great food, culture, and hospitality, with lots of great and inexpensive hotel or apartment options to choose from. Not exactly outdoor swimming weather but you’re by the sea, too.

    6. Italy – the weather will be reasonable for a light jacket. Go to Florence and Venice, see the cities with no crowds and no museum lines.

  10. I travel to Chicago frequently for short trips. Any recommendations for lunch spots? I usually stay in the loop but I’m happy to travel to other neighborhoods if I can get there by train.

    I am not picky by any means and will try any price point.

    1. Terzo Piano
      Cindy’s
      Beatrix
      Revival Food Hall
      GT Fish and Oyster
      Cafecito
      Sun Wah (Red Line)
      Fat Rice
      Au Cheval
      Time Out Chicago Market

    2. Pretty power lunch spots: Beatrix, Ema

      Food halls: Revival, Boqueria, Time Out Market

      Casual and delicious: Saucy Porka (Asian/Latin fusion), Cafecito (Cuban sandwiches/coffee), Bienmesabe (arepas), Oasis Cafe (Middle Eastern in the back of a jewelry store)

      1. I just had a great lunch at Fig and Olive (Oak Street) if you’re in the Mag Mile area.

  11. I have an offer for my dream job (AUSA) but it would require moving about 300 miles away. My kids (ranging in age from 8 to 15) do not want to move. We have lived in current city for about 6 years and they are pretty settled here. However, this is a unicorn job that I have applied for many times in our current city with no luck but happened to get on my first try in the other city (which, admittedly, is a less desirable place to live but at least is lower COL and I would be taking a significant pay cut). My husband is self-employed so is fine with moving but for the issue of uprooting the kids. I am so torn about this–what should I do?

    1. Have you visited the new city with the kids? Leaving your social network at age 15 can be pretty tough.

      1. We have visited but it was a few years ago.

        The oldest one has been struggling to make friends in high school for various reasons, so I’m not that concerned with disrupting his social network because he doesn’t seem to have an established one. The other two have pretty established networks, but they don’t seem to have much trouble making friends so I am hoping they can adjust to a new environment.

    2. I don’t believe you can know it’s a dream job until you’re working there, so I’d consider all the other factors around moving including your social support and network in new city. My life is pretty darn established where I live now, so it would take so much to get me to move, but that’s different for everyone. I wouldn’t base the decision solely on the job though.

      1. Agreed. And can the dream job withstand the pressure of everyone’s initial unhappiness/settling in struggles in the new city? Would you have better hours or a shorter commute?

      2. Related, I landed what I thought was my dream job and it is definitely falling short of everything I hoped it would be. Knowing what I know now, I really don’t think there was a way to anticipate all of the issues that would come up.

        Signed,
        The person who posted last week about taking call as an in-house lawyer

        1. Yup, I am in what I believed was my dream job but found that I really missed litigation. I didn’t love working a firm but am hoping that litigating for the government is better. I know that every job has its pros and cons, but I have yet to meet anyone that has regretted being an AUSA.

          1. I met someone who recently returned to private practice from being an AUSA because he concluded his office was no longer serious about pursuing big cases, and felt it would only get worse under the current administration. I don’t think he regretted being an AUSA but he no longer wanted to do it. And of course, many people leave that job for many different reasons. So it may be a dream job but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll do it forever – that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move, but if you only end up staying in the role for 3-5 years for whatever reason are their other opportunities in new city? Is leaving what you have worth it?

      3. And it is a lot of pressure to put on “dream” job. I would also consider what the job market is like in the new city, as I would not want to uproot my kids another time in a few years if this job doesn’t work out (and, from what I’ve heard from multiple AUSAs, it is a stressful job and most people only last a few years.)

    3. For me, it would come down to the long-term prospects. Are the educational opportunities for your kids better or worse in the new city? How does the reduction in salary affect your college plans? What are the alternate options in the new city if for some reason the AUSA position doesn’t end up being a good fit? What will be the impact on your husband’s business?

      You and your husband are the adults. You make the decision that is best for your family, and the kids will just have to deal with it.

      1. Yes, to all of these, especially on the school. I think if you move, you should be thinking now about college for your 15-year-old as opposed to in 1.5-2 years from now. (In other words, is the high school in your district a good fit your kid and does it prepare him/her for college? Is the state school a good option? etc.)

        1. These are all good considerations. My 15YO has been kind of a sh*tshow lately and I am not sure if college is in the cards for him. I just want him to graduate at this point. He is also talking about taking the GED when he is old enough.

    4. You mention more negatives than positives. Also, that is a lot of pressure and stress to put on yourself if things go wrong because it is only in your best interest and no one else’s.

      1. These are all good points. Thanks for the responses!

        My husband thinks we should consider a “commuter” option where he stays in our current city with the kids and I come back on the weekends. This sounds very hard to me in terms of him dealing with the kids all week, but would it be better for them to stay where they are and have a mostly absentee mom?

        1. I’ve done long distance for several YEARS of my marriage and am a big proponent of it in many situations, but I think a move would be easier on your kids than 3+ years of a mostly absentee mom. If you had a child who was a senior and were doing this for under a year so they could finish out high school, it would be one thing. But I don’t think it’s good for your kids to have you gone for such an extended period of time.

        2. I would try this for a year and see if it is really your dream job before uprooting all of your lives for a job that pays less and is in an objectively worse city.

          1. This was going to be my idea. I think it makes sense for you to try the job out before moving the whole family. Even if it is just for a few months before saying ok, let’s bring the kids. If it turns out you hate it, it’s a lot easier to go back “home” if you still have your house and your kids are still in school there.

          2. Agree. Can you go now and they can finish out the school year and move over the summer?

          3. I commented above that I don’t think multiple years of long distance would be good for your family, but I like this idea of doing a trial period (6 months to a year) at the job to see if you really love it. Then you can either uproot your family knowing you’re doing it for a job that’s really a dream job, or you can go back to your family, no harm done.

          4. I would also point out that we’re mid-way through the school year, so maybe it makes sense for you to take the job, and plan for the kids & your husband to move out after the school year is over. Makes things better for them, but also gives you a true trial period in case you hate it.

          5. I agree with this. Make sure the job is going to work out before you uproot the kids.

          6. We moved about 18 months ago with a first grader and a fourth grader. I had read that it is easier to move mid-school year than to do it over the summer. At the beginning of a new school year, every kid, even if outgoing, is a little nervous about going back/getting back into a routine/facing a new teacher. As it turned out, we moved in the middle of October. When my kids started at their new school, they were each the “exotic” ones and received a helpful amount of attention from their teachers and fellow students. Further, the teachers were able to seat them with kids who would be helpful because personalities were better known by that point.

            Our transition went better than I would have ever imagined, but my kids are younger.

          2. My dad moved to new city for a year before mom and us moved to be with him. It worked out for us. I feel like the logistics for one person are easier than a whole family. Small studio to rent in a decent area vs. finding a house in the right school district, less things to move, fewer people to accommodate. Once you’ve gotten new city figured out, then moving the rest of the family will be easier.

        4. My boyfriend does this (he’s the commuter). He was married when he started- now, not. All that time apart doesn’t help a relationship, and the kids only become more resistant to moving. He does 300 miles each way every weekend. It’s exhausting for me to watch- he never gets any free time.

          I would say if you try this, then a definite decision date needs to be decided in advance. It’s easy to continue to stretch it out.

        5. I recommend you commute for at least the rest of this school year and see if you really like the office. I think it’s very unlikely that you’ll be disappointed in being an AUSA– it’s about as close to a guaranteed “dream” job as possible — but you never know if the political appointee in the office is particularly annoying or if the bench in your jurisdiction is challenging to work with.

        6. My parents did this when I was 7 and my mom had a 1-year fellowship in a place where my dad had no job options. I suppose it worked out in the sense that my mom had much better job opportunities after having a prestigious fellowship. It was an extremely difficult year for everyone and somewhat traumatic for me. I spent some time in therapy as a young adult dealing with the emotional trauma of that year, and I would really discourage this option.

    5. In my opinion, uproot the kids for the dream job. They’ll be OK. Really. Lots of kids move. Allow them to experience the normal feelings that come with moving, but trust that long-term, it will be OK.

      1. +1

        Please do not let your children, who fortunately seem to be pretty normal/healthy, determine the trajectory of your career, when you have finally got your foot in the door for something you really want.

        Do you realize how rare it is to have a husband with this amount of flexibility who is happy to follow you?

        Congratulations. Go for it!

        1. “Please do not let your children, who fortunately seem to be pretty normal/healthy, determine the trajectory of your career, when you have finally got your foot in the door for something you really want.”

          This is a mind-blowingly selfish perspective. I don’t understand why people who think like this even bother having children. Male or female.

          1. Yep, it seems very selfish to me too. Dh and I have both done non-optimal career things for the sake of our kids.

          2. And you are incredibly unrealistic. Moving cities for a job is INCREDIBLY NORMAL, the kids will be perfectly fine. This isn’t being selfish. It’s acknowledging that the children’s preference for living in a certain city is just that – preference whereas the mother’s job has a real impact on her and their life. IT IS OKAY TO DO THINGS YOUR KIDS DON’T LIKE IF IT WON’T HURT THEM AND WILL HELP YOU. It’s foolish perspective not to.

            Honestly, unless you are a SAHM who martyrs herself everyday for her kids, you can’t say boo about not making decisions that don’t revolve around your children. I’m sure you’re the perfect mother (sarcasm) and if not I honestly hope you don’t and can’t have any because your absolutist perspective will only screw them up long term.

          3. Yup. You chose to have kids, and with that choice you’ve committed to taking their needs and wants into account with every decision you make.

          4. Hard disagree that moving children is inherently selfish. My kids move every 2-3 years, from one country to another. The kids are generally happy, resilient, doing great academically, involved in after-school stuff, have had amazing experiences, speak two foreign languages plus their native language, and have a global friends network. (They are not at all perfect children, for the record, but leaving socks all over the house ALL THE TIME and bickering with siblings, along with teen moods, are not moving related.) Moving can be tough for the first few months and culture shock is real, but overall I think the positives have definitely outweighed the negatives. We are a tight-knit family at the nuclear level and make it a priority to see the extended family and keep in touch. It may not work for every child in every family but the suggestion the moving with children is “selfish” strikes me as…oddly judgmental. My teens’ suggestion for our next overseas assignment: “someplace cool.”

          5. “Honestly, unless you are a SAHM who martyrs herself everyday for her kids, you can’t say boo about not making decisions that don’t revolve around your children. I’m sure you’re the perfect mother (sarcasm) and if not I honestly hope you don’t and can’t have any because your absolutist perspective will only screw them up long term.”

            Anon at 1:06, I know who you are from the tone of your post. I’m not sure why you are in this conversation as you aren’t partnered, don’t have kids, and post negatively to mothers and people considering parenthood all the time. That being said, the above is an incredibly ugly statement and if I didn’t already know you were an ugly person, this outs you as an ugly person. Please ask yourself: is this who you pictured yourself being as a younger person? Someone who is bitter and angry, and posts terrible statements to others to make yourself feel better? If this board was not anonymous, and your friends, mother, coworkers, etc. could see what you post under your real name – how would you feel about that? You never ever respond when you are called out for your terrible behavior so I don’t expect a response. I also don’t expect you to truly self-reflect, as you seem incapable of that. So I will just say that I feel really sorry for you and I hope at some point in the future, you find some kind of peace or happiness in your life. So you can stop doing things like this, to yourself and to others. My life is not perfect, but at least I don’t have to wake up every morning and be you, and live with the choices you’re making. I personally wouldn’t be able to bear it.

          6. I don’t think diplomat life is comparable to moving from one boring town USA to another. My husband grew up an ex-pat and it is totally different going to a school full of expats and having all your friends moving in and out all the time. It’s another going to school in a small town that most people never leave and then moving to another similar small town and trying to break into the friend groups there. International schools are a whole different thing.

          7. Diplomat life is not remotely comparable. Kids are sent to schools with many other kids who are the children of diplomats who are used to moving and making new friends. Frequent moves are the cultural norm in which the kids are raised.

            Generally there is also a ‘home base’ community that may be returned to every year for a family vacation or rotation between overseas assignments. E.g. my friend’s kids go to the same summer camp for two weeks each year and then spend a week with their grandparents.

          8. Yeah, another vote that diplomat life is not comparable. The exposure to different cultures and languages is invaluable, plus much easier to fit in and make friends in international schools versus being the new kid in some random US city where everyone else has lived there for a long time.

      2. IDK that it’s true for all kids. My DH moved when he was 7, had a really rough time and it super resistant to moving our kids for any reason. He was also reluctant around some of our early career moves. He’s not the only person I know who had a rough time with a childhood move between the ages of 7-16. I went to law school with a girl who said she can’t remember grade 4 because they moved long distance that year and it was a really rough adjustment for her. Early primary (K/1) it’s easier for kids to make new friends, and upper high school it’s easier to keep in touch and they are old enough to visit friends on their own.

        OP, if your home life it otherwise happy, I’d be reluctant to rock that boat for a substantial pay cut and a job that you assume but can’t know will be better. The job itself might be amazing but you won’t know about your colleagues until you get there. I’d shelve the move for another 5-10 years and then go. What’s your support structure in your current situation? Are you close with extended family? Impact on relationships with grandparents is something else to consider.

        1. +1 – I’ve also seen the advice repeated here that it’s better to move before (vs after) your kid’s senior year because if you move after your kid will have no friends in your new city. My husband definitely feels the opposite. His mom got a new job summer before his senior year and did a combination of working remotely and commuting so he could finish high school in his original hometown. He’s SO grateful for that, has incredibly strong relationships with his core group of high school buddies and doesn’t care at all that he doesn’t know anyone in his parents new city. We never visited his parents more than once a year and it was always with the express goal of seeing his family, so it’s not he was missing out by not having a ton of guy friends there. And now that we have kids, we rarely visit that city anyway, since it’s easier for his parents to come to us. So I think this is a very individual thing and there’s no universal right answer.

        2. This. Please put your kids first. Kids are impacted by uprooting and moving and no job is so great that its worth doing that to your kids. I have done very well in my career and always put our children first, and I will never regret that.

          1. Just chiming in to say that “putting your kids first” doesn’t necessarily mean NOT moving. There may be good reasons to move, and there may be good reasons to stay. Most kids can deal with moving, especially ONE move that may overall improve parental job satisfaction. Some kids do not deal well with even one move, and yes, families need to address that. As a military spouse, heck, as the child of parents who moved to advance their careers, I find your definition of how to put your kids first very narrow.
            OP, fwiw, I like idea of a trial of 6 months to a year where you work in the new city and if the job is what you expect it to be, have your family join you.

    6. I agree that your kids would survive a move. That said, I would be reluctant to move in your situation because I don’t think you can really know it’s a dream job until you move there. To me, what makes a work situation great is the management/colleagues and the details of the work you’d be doing, and I think it’s difficult, if not impossible, to suss those things out before you start the job. What if you move there and end up hating the job and want to leave? Then you’ve uprooted your family for nothing. These things would probably stop me from accepting the job (and my kids are younger and would probably roll with the punches during a move better than preteens and teenagers). But I’m definitely not as ambitious career-wise as some here.

    7. For your younger kids, I don’t think this is as big a deal. For the 15-year-old, I do think it is a big deal. Think back to when you were 15. Would you have wanted to leave all your friends and the school you’ve known, and start over in a new place a mere 3 years before graduating from high school? I am not surprised your older kids are pushing back. It’s a huge change for them and it will have lasting effects. I know people who were forced by their parents to move when they were in high school and all of them have some level of resentment about it, years later. It’s a big deal. Adolescence is a formative time. I’m going to be blunt: part of being a parent is sacrificing what you want for your family’s wellbeing and happiness. You don’t get to decide to screw up your children’s lives and childhoods because you get your “dream job” offer. I understand this is your dream job. Unfortunately, the offer is coming at a inopportune time. I think you have two options: 1. Turn down the job and pursue it at a later point in time. You won’t have kids at home forever. 2. Take the job and don’t move your family. 300 miles isn’t nothing, but it’s not that far, comparatively. You could commute home on weekends and maybe work out flexible scheduling with your new employer so you can work a 9/80 or 4/10s, etc. If your husband is willing to be a “weekday single parent” for a couple of years, you can wait until your older child graduates from school and go from there.

      Very honestly, I don’t understand how a job that pays you significantly less and requires you to move to a less-desirable city against your family’s wishes could be a “dream job.” You need to take a step back and think about how this affects everyone in your family, not just you, and yes, that advice would be the same if you were a man. I think your ego is doing the talking when you are telling yourself this is the right move. Take your ego out of it and see how good the move looks when this isn’t just about you and what you want.

        1. It’s really offensive to tell someone to check her ego when she’s exploring a career decision. Essentially what you’re saying is that a woman – once she pops out a kid — is bound to stay in one place and that the only value in work (or perhaps you mean only justification for working outside the home at all??) is income. You dress this up with a comment that you’d apply the same standard to a man, but I seriously doubt you’d say the same to a man who was seeking, e.g., a judicial appointment.

          1. First of all, it’s not a judicial appointment so I don’t know why you brought that prestigious job into to muddy the water – the comparison point is a man seeking the same job, ie., AUSA. And I’m not the person you were responding to, but I agree and I’d absolutely say the same thing to a man.

          2. Not the poster above, but I would 100% say the same thing to a man. Once you get married and have a kid, the time to run all over the place for your “unicorn” job is long since passed.

            There are a few reasons to uproot the family for career: a substantial advancement that cannot be gotten in the current city, a huge bump in pay that will change the family’s finances, or the type of job that is so amazing that you cannot get it elsewhere (e.g., if you’re asked to be Chief of Staff in the White House of an administration whose goals you support, your family moves).

            But AUSA? And a pay cut? Sorry, no. That’s a crummy reason to uproot the family, especially when the eldest kid is 15 and not 3.

          3. ? My DH has totally turned down career advancement because it would require either longer hours or a move. I didn’t even have to discuss the impact on our family, he just wanted to be with the kids. The idea that no one would tell a man not to make a career move or that a man wouldn’t take a step back in his career for his kids, is not helpful. Good guys can and do put their kids and families first lots of times. Her DH isn’t a unicorn for considering following her when there is minimal job impact for him.

          4. “I seriously doubt you’d say the same to a man who was seeking, e.g., a judicial appointment.”
            I am Anon at 10:58 and I would absolutely say the same to a man, even if they were being appointed to the Supreme Court. Once you have kids, your life choices have to take the kids into account until the kids are adults and/or living independently. People – male, female or other – who want to continue to always put themselves and their needs first should not have children, or probably partners either. If someone’s primary motivation is always looking out for number 1, they do not have the correct motivations to be good parents (or partners, or friends, etc.). As a parent, let me just say: life is long, time spent raising kids is short. As a parent I have responsibility for a brief, but unbelievably important time in another human’s life that affects how the rest of their life’s trajectory will play out. If I deprioritize my childrens’ needs for my own, I should expect that in the future they may struggle with prioritization of needs (theirs and those of the people around them), their own self-worth, their own roles in relationships, etc. It is absolutely a “sow the wind and reap the whirlwind” situation. People disregard that idea at their own risk.

          5. +1 million to “Good guys can and do put their kids and families first lots of times.”

          6. Yeah, no. My husband is a professor. If he were single, he’d be applying every year to more prestigious universities where he could make more money and have more exciting opportunities. He doesn’t do that because he has a family and the impact on us isn’t worth the incremental benefits to him. I’m not saying that’s a perfect analogy to OP’s situation, because my husband is currently doing essentially the same job he’d be doing at Harvard (just with less pay and prestige) and I realize that this move would give OP the chance to do a different job that she’s very interested in, but I strongly agree with the 10:58 poster that women and men should consider their families when making career decisions.

      2. I moved to a new city when I was 6, again when I was 8, again when I was 10, again when I was 13, and again when I was 16 (my parents weren’t in the military or anything, just nomadic). I learned resilience and a lot of valuable social skills as a result (I make friends fairly easily, even as an adult in my mid-thirties, and I’m good at staying in touch with friends who live elsewhere). I’m not saying not to consider how the move will impact your children, but I definitely disagree with the characterization that you’ll be “screwing up” their lives by moving.

    8. When I was in 5th grade, my father took a job in NJ and we were living in Chicago. For a year, he commuted. He kept a modest apartment in NJ for M-Th and returned home on Friday to spend the weekend with us. During that year, my mother, sister and I, made multiple visits to NJ to see different areas and decide if it was the right thing for our family to move. By the time I hit 6th grade, we were settled in NJ. That was very, very difficult to do at 11 years old. But it worked out in the end for me.

      I currently have an 11 year old and would never consider that type of move for him. Only you and your husband know how your children will handle it.

    9. Accidentally posted on the thread below – I vote move. This is an amazing opportunity for you. Kids are resilient and will adapt.

      My husband moved at exactly the same time in high school for his mom’s job and it worked out extremely well for everyone. He hated it at the time but his parents were extra gentle with him for a while (paid for best friend to fly out and visit for a week/sent him back to original coast for a week during summers).

      Congratulations getting an AUSA position is a big deal. You deserve to celebrate.

      1. I moved a lot as a kid and vote no. I loved moving (except starting a new school senior year of high school). But these jobs were involuntary moves and also great ones for the whole family.

        This job will have long hours and a pay cut. And the unicorn-ness may not pan out. If it is an easy job to get, you can get again. If you move and don’t like it, what do your options really look like (and in a house of kids who you made move to what sounds like a far-away place of fewer overall opportunities, including for them)?

    10. Let me just say how much I really dislike the notion that kids are resilient. That is simply a reason people use in justifying decisions that are hard on their children. You are a family and your children’s needs matter just as much as your own. Frankly, I think think sounds like a terrible idea honestly, especially given the paycut. While I do think career is important I don’t think it is worth disrupting their lives at this age.

      1. This. very well stated and 100% agree….yes, kids are resilient but moves are super stressful on everyone. This is not worth disrupting their lives – please put your family first….you will look back and never regret it.

      3. +1 Kids are resilient like any person is resilient in that there is (typically) no choice but to keep living life and moving forward. They probably will adapt eventually, but it may still be traumatic and cause lasting changes – for better or worse – in their sense of security and their relationships with you. So weigh all the variables, but the mental health of your children is a huge variable.

      6. “Let me just say how much I really dislike the notion that kids are resilient.”

        Co-sign, and then some. If your attitude is that the kids will adjust, how are you going to help them if they take it hard? How will you help them if the new school system is bad, if the culture is a terrible fit, if they can’t make friends, or the sport that they love is not available? If you at least start off with the idea that it’s a sacrifice, you can be prepared to mitigate the damage and to support them through the tough times.

      7. It’s not “simply an excuse”, it is true. scientifically. This poster is allowed to move, period. She has her husband’s support, her kids will move on. Everyone here who is saying not to move sounds super self righteous and super judgmental. Everyone here saying to move, or consider the move, is much kinder and more thoughtful. Think about what that says about you. Get off your high horse.

        1. You read a completely different discussion than I did, apparently. I think you’re internalizing, and you may want to examine your own “judgemental” and abrasive behavior before pointing the finger at others.

    11. First, thank you for considering serving the public in this way. I think you have to consider what staying means, both for yourself and for your children, in order to evaluate whether to go.

      What’s your current job like and what are your options if you stay in current city? Will you be resentful if you give up this opportunity?

      What will your quality of life be like as an AUSA? How long will it take you to get the kinds of cases you want to handle? What are your chances of being able to become an AUSA in your current city if you want to transfer back in a few years? What are your exit opportunities if the job isn’t for you?

    12. Looks like no current or former AUSAs have weighed in, so I will. I was in your shoes 10 years ago (minus husband and kids, so much easier decision for me, obviously) – I got my dream job as an AUSA, albeit in a less desirable city for me (but also with a LCOL). I ultimately ended up transferring back to my home city and continued being an AUSA for almost a decade. It is a great job, but the pay is terrible (as you know) and a high rate of burnout (although less so in the smaller offices). Also, you don’t say if you want to do this for the rest of your career, but keep in mind that AUSA gigs in smaller cities with smaller legal markets are less readily transferable back to biglaw and/or private sector generally. In my VHCOL city where I was an AUSA for 8 years, many people were able to transition back to biglaw or even inhouse, but that is not true of the smaller office I was at previously (many more career prosecutors there). TBH, in your shoes, knowing what I know about the job, I would not move. Being an AUSA is amazing and I loved the experience, but it wouldn’t be worth uprooting my family for. I would keep trying to apply in your current city and network with AUSAs in that office. You may still be able to get the gig there, you just never know.

      1. Not an AUSA but I work with several for my job, they are usually co-counsel on my appeals. I will say, while some are quite good particularly in large cities, I have also been shocked at how incompetent some are. Especially in smaller markets, I don’t know if the caliber of attorneys is quite as good. Going into this job I assumed that all US Attorney offices were stellar and this job has definitely changed my mind about that. And the burnout is very real. So think very carefully about this decision. At a minimum, I would try it out for a year and commute before the entire family leaves.

    13. I did this for four years, except my job was a plane ride away. I was home every weekend and tried to work from home one day per week that I traveled there. I’d say I was there on average three out of four weeks the first year, two to three out of four the second and subsequent.

      It was harder on me than my kids. They’re fine. I work back on the same coast now and all is well. It was totally exhausting but I don’t actually regret it.

    14. You haven’t said anything about your current job — are you happy in it? Would you be looking to leave if not for the unicorn job?

      I would say this may not be your unicorn job if it is not in a desirable location. Especially since your oldest is just 3 years from the end of high school, does it make sense to hang in and see if you have any more success applying in your city?

      Also do you mind sharing what office or region of the country your offer came from? Congratulations on the offer, that’s awesome!

      1. I am not thrilled with my current job but it has a lot going for me, including an easy commute, great hours, and honestly, great pay. However, it is not what I want to do and I worry that I will be stuck in this line of work the longer I stay. Plus, because I am not doing any litigation in my current role, that might be why I am striking out locally.

        The position is somewhere sunny–I’ll just leave it at that.

    15. My family moved 4 times between when I was in Kindergarten and in High School, and I went to 8 schools by the time I graduated from HS. Extreme, and I would never recommend that many moves, very hard on kids, with issues that really can carry forward to adulthood. but kids are resilient and most can tolerate some relocation.

    1. I see Caroline Berman at Washington Elite Dentistry at Metro Center. She’s great as are the assistants. The front desk staff is not amazing, fyi.

    2. Dr. Bui in Bethesda (walkable from metro). Love him! Even for kids.

    3. You’d have to go another metro stop or two, but I love Dr. Seiden at Dupont Dental. They’re at 19th & M – ish.

    4. Went to DC Light Dental for years and had a great experience — they are right at Metro Center.

    5. Dr. Luis Barr in south Dupont/Farragut area. The office is fantastic, and Dr. Barr does great work.

  13. Can anyone recommend a car buying service or individual broker? Or have any stories to share about using one?

    I am in NoVA, have access to AAA, Costco, and maybe PenFed’s programs, and am looking for a 2017 or newer minivan (Pacifica or Odyssey) with a specific seat arrangement and set of safety features.

    1. I’d say go for it. Kids are resilient. My husband moved 3,000 miles away before his junior year of high school because his mom got a great job opportunity in academia (similarly something that doesn’t come up much.) He hated it fully year one but it ended up being a really great things for him personally and for his family.

    2. I recently got quotes through Costco for a new car purchase and was completely underwhelmed. They were at least $1K higher than quotes I got directly from the dealer and called me nonstop for weeks afterwards, even after I said that the quotes were too high (and they insisted that I come in to get a better one). I ended up using a lot of the Toast’s strategy below and negotiated a fair price pretty easily with minimal human interaction (until we showed up to drive the car to confirm it was what we wanted).
      https://the-toast.net/2014/07/11/how-to-buy-a-car/

  14. So things are pretty slow at my firm and I’m struggling with how to stay busy/entertained at my desk. I’ve reached out to everyone I can think of for work, am up to date on all my pro bono matters, completed all trainings, cleaned my office, created a 2020 budget, read the news and litigation industry news, checked this site, fully planned a weekend vacation around an upcoming wedding… I don’t know what else to do while I’m stuck at my desk waiting for work to come in. What am I missing about the Internet that’s so entertaining?

    1. I downloaded the kindle app on my pc for this reason… maybe that makes me a terrible employee (getting everything done and getting it done well though!), but I think it’s pretty innocuous looking and strategically I need to be at my desk these days…

        1. Same as in kindle app or strategic need to be at desk? I’d love to know someone else has the kindle app! I feel so guilty, but I feel better at the end of the day for having done some reading of a book rather than just blogs (or terrible headlines)!

          1. Same as in I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the Kindle app the last couple weeks!

        1. Yeah, I just use the Kindle cloud reader. At half screen with something else opened next to it, it just looks like you’re reviewing documents.

    3. Reddit. Start with Ask Reddit, AITA, and the various Twitter aggregation subs. Voila, hours passed!

  15. Do you consider silent treatment to be abusive when it’s coming from a friend, not a spouse? I have a friend who is apparently still using the technique to exert control (something I have seen her do countless times in our long history). Her MO is silent treatment for some perceived slight and then act like nothing happened three days later. It’s tempting to drop the friendship entirely because I just don’t trust her, but I’m not sure if I should make more allowances because she’s a friend and not a partner I have to live with daily.

    1. Yes, it’s abusive. No, you don’t have to make more allowances if you don’t want to.

    2. It depends. Is it true silent treatment or is it “I’m not ready and don’t want to talk about this right now.” The pretending nothing happened is problematic but sometimes if you sit on a perceived insult for a bit you later realize it was no big deal and not worth addressing. I might ignore some texts when I’m annoyed with a friend and later realize it’s not even worth discussing so I just move on.

      1. I consider it silent treatment unless you tell the friend directly you’re not ready to talk about it right now.

      2. ” I might ignore some texts when I’m annoyed with a friend and later realize it’s not even worth discussing so I just move on.”

        This. It’s not necessarily ‘abusive’ to want to avoid a small fight/disagreement and then move on. Everything doesn’t need to be talked to death. You don’t want to go around turning sparks into fires. Let stuff blow over. Some people need a couple days to cool off if they are annoyed and if you are disagreeing about something, trying to talk it out again is not always necessary.

    3. If someone gives me the silent treatment, and they’re just a friend, then to me this is a super easy issue. I don’t care if the internet calls it abusive, I’m not friends with people who are mean to me. Full stop. Explore why you think so little of yourself you’re considering keeping this friend around

      1. I ask myself that same question, but it seems that her silent treatment always falls within the range of plausible deniability – “I was just taking a break from texting!” and the like. Another close shared friend has expressed that she thinks I’m overreacting. I swear to you that I am known as an assertive self-advocate to my colleagues and other friends, but this situation is like my Achilles heel when you factor in the known each other forever/she’s been there for me in some tough times/good friends are hard to come by factors. Ugh.

        1. Why do you have to label it abusive? That seems like adding a whole bunch of drama. We don’t know her apart from what you’ve said, she “exerts control” and deals in “perceived slights.” And she’s your “achilles heel.” There’s obviously a lot more to this history than we have. So turn the scenario around: what would your life be missing if she wasn’t in your life anymore? Would you be missing a shoulder to cry on? Lots of fun and laughter? Someone who is always there when you need her? Someone whose advice, input, and counsel you trust? Someone who reaches out to you to find out how you’re doing?

          If all you have is, “I’d be missing someone who remembers stuff I remember,” that’s a thin basis for an ongoing friendship. And you can now go to work developing a grown-up adult friendship with her or pull back slightly and have a more pleasant-yet-distant “I like what she remembers but she’s not really there for me” kind of friendship.

        2. It doesn’t matter what the internet or your other friends think. You feel abused and that shoudl be the end of it.

          And FWIW I totally agree with you.

    4. Yes, it’s abusive. If said friend has not stated they are too upset to discuss something & just iced you, said friend is frenemy and can be let go of. Ugh.

    5. I don’t know that I’d call it abusive because the only think they’re controlling is your access to them and unlike a partner, parent, or boss, that most likely isn’t something you need in order to go about your life. However, it is absolutely a jerk move and I would not consider them a friend or continue to pursue a relationship with them.

    6. Eh I hesitate to use the term abusive too broadly because I think it dilutes the meaning. There’s plenty of not awesome behavior in the spectrum between “ok” and “abuse.” I might label this kind of behavior as toxic. It’s clearly not ok, in any event.

    7. It doesn’t need to be abuse for you to drop the friend or to decide that the friend’s way communicating (or not) is not your thing.
      I have dropped friends for far, far less than “the silent treatment for 3 days”. Whatever they were doing was…. not my thing.

      Good luck.

    8. Not disagreeing with the above, but here’s another view: you might irritate your friend to no end. You say that she gives you the “silent treatment” for three days, but unless you’re roommates, you surely do not talk to her every single day. If you do, maybe she doesn’t think you’re close enough to warrant that. Perhaps she finds various things you do (the “perceived slights”) to be incredibly annoying and needs some distance.

      Some people just get along better with a bit more space between them.

      1. I have another comment that’s stuck in mod, but we text every single day (and we used to call every day before texting). It makes it hard to throw away this friendship because it’s been such a big part of my life (and hers).

        1. That’s a super intensive level of friendship. Are you both single? Is she seeing someone or trying to set some healthy boundaries?

          I can easily go a week with forgetting to text my BFF back. She’s the same. We always have each other’s backs for the big stuff though. That’s how to stay friends for 25 years is not sweating the small stuff. I can’t imagine talking to anyone other than DH every single day, and I probably wouldn’t need to talk to him every single day if we didn’t live together.

          1. We’re both married and we both spend too much time on our phones. We text all the time about random goings-on at work or issues with finances and the like.

      2. I think it’s fine to go much longer than 3 days between texting or talking with very good friends. I wouldn’t call failing to respond to a text for a few days “silent treatment.” People go about their lives, get busy, and it’s totally fine to get to a friend when you can. They’re not client paying your firm a ton of money for 24/7 availability, or your spouse who lives with you.

        I would have 0 friends if I got upset every time someone took awhile to get back to me (or forgot entirely).

        1. Right? Maybe OP’s friend isn’t in a place where she wants a friendship that requires daily calls or texts to maintain. That’s a lot of time in one friendship.

        2. +1. It seems crazy to me to label a friend not responding to a text as “silent treatment” or abusive. That’s just normal life, and seems like a way overreaction.

          But if you don’t enjoy her and get more out of the friendship than you give in, then you should distance yourself from her.

        3. It’s not responding to a text for days after arguing/a disagreement, not just after routine texting. That’s different IMO.

        4. It depends on the motivation. If the person is doing it to assert their anger and make the person being ignored feel bad, it’s abusive. If they’re just an infrequent texter, fine, but it seems like OP knows that’s not the case.

    9. Yes. Literally Google, is the silent treatment abusive, and you’ll get tons of results.

  16. Just a PSA for those who use Amazon, whether they are trying to cut back or not doesn’t matter for this. Just make sure that you start out on smile.amazon.com with your shopping each time. Then, a small cut is donated to a charity of your choice, at no cost to you.

    1. How much of that goes to charity and how much to Amazon’s tax strategy? I prefer to donate directly, at least until Amazon starts paying taxes.

      3. I’m sure they account for 100% of it in their tax strategy, but the money is actually coming from them (as opposed to you paying extra that goes to charity or the seller receiving less money), so that wouldn’t deter me from using it if I was already buying stuff on Amazon.

        1. +1 I’ve really dramatically cut down the amount of Amazon purchases I make, but when I still do buy things there, I’d rather have at least a few cents go from their pocket to the pocket of the charity of my choice. (Which is Community Tax Aid in DC if any of you are looking for one to help.)

      4. The way I see it, they calculate with giving up a small cut potentially every time, either to affiliate links, or to this donation scheme. By not using it, I’m just gifting them another couple cents on their already outrageous profits. I’d rather have this go to the scouts or whatever. Because of the huge revenue, it does add up. My chosen charity got $100k last year, obviously only a few cents were from myself.

      5. I am the OP here. I’ve read up on this, and can’t find any evidence that the 0.5% of sales that are directed there have an impact on their tax evasion schemes. There are other, much bigger ways in which Amazon avoids paying their fair share. As said above, one can either direct that fraction to a charity, or let Amazon have it.
        Personally, I prioritize buying less, then buying used, then buying at brick and mortar and so on. But a couple times a year, I do end up ordering something from Amazon. I wouldn’t choose to buy from them because they have such a great charity scheme, and I also don’t lean back b/c of my generous charitable giving through my orders there. People shopping more and neglecting direct charitable giving have been pointed out as pitfalls with the smile program. I didn’t think I’d have to point those out on this site of smart overachievers. But if I am going to shop anyway, might as well.

        1. The key sentence on the “About” Amazon Smile page is: “Donations are made by the AmazonSmile Foundation and are not tax-deductible by you.” They get huge tax deductions from the Amazon Smile program.

          1. I understand that, but we’re talking 0.5% of some purchases here. Not all consumer purchases are eligible, and amazon has other significant forms of income, such as cloud and web services(which accounts for half their profits). The fact that they pay $0 in sales tax, corporate tax or payroll tax while raking in $10 billion in profits on $250 billion in revenue isn’t changed by a $35 million tax deduction (which the smile foundation reported in the most recent form I can find). It’s not ‘huge’ given the other ways they avoid paying their taxes.

    2. This is an aside, but I always think its really interesting that Amazon requires you to go to a special website to do this. It’s like they want to say that they give back, but only want to be forced to do it the absolute minimum amount of time. If Amazon actually wanted to donate a share of its profits, all they had to do was add this option on their normal website instead of forcing people to go to a completely different website in order for the purchase to count.

      3. Right, it’s a marketing strategy to get people who want to benefit that particular charity to divert their money to Amazon. They don’t want to donate money from people who would shop at the normal Amazon storefront anyway, so they make the charity-shoppers distinguish themselves by going to a special site.

        1. Exactly this. Also, Amazon benefits from a bunch of free marketing from the nonprofits who promote Amazon Smile. And what nonprofits receive is negligible. Let’s say I send an e-mail to 10,000 prospects about Amazon Smiles. 2% of the recipients get the e-mail and spend $100 on Amazon Smile (unlikely to happen, most people spend much less on Amazon Smile at one time, but okay). Amazon gets $20,000 and we receive $100. They also get tax deductions and hard credit for the “donations” they have made.

          Disclaimer: Unlike a lot of posters here, I don’t really have a problem with Amazon or other behemoth corporations. They exist to make money, good for them. I just hate this one particular program.

    3. I work in a nonprofit that receives Amazon Smile donations. Here’s my thought after trying to promote this program for a year: it’s such a tiny percentage of your purchase that you might as well not even bother. Plus, Amazon is the legal donor, not you. Please just give to us directly.

      1. It’s not an either or thing, though. I’m going to give directly and I’m sometimes also going to buy things from Amazon. They’re not mutually exclusive.

        1. Sure, and if it makes you feel good, keep doing it. But do be aware that Amazon Smile is merely a marketing ploy for Amazon. It isn’t really helping your favorite charity at all.

  17. I bought a new down filled parka this year and it continues to shed lots of tiny little feathers. Brand is Outdoor Research, spendy for me but I wanted to invest in a good coat. It keeps me warm in chilly MN but the shedding is pretty extreme and gets all over my work suits. Never had this issue with other (less expensive) costs. Any advice for how to remedy? (Wash instructions say to wash and dry but I have always sent down coats to the dry cleaner.)

    1. I’d call the company and complain. Ourdoor Research has a “lifetime” warranty. I would imagine this is a QC or manufacturing issue. My down coat is 5+ years old and only leaks through the holes that I mean to patch…

  18. I’ve been trying to find ONE place for my to do lists, trackers and other thoughts this year and finally after much searching, I am going to go the bullet journal route! From the internet, it seems I’m the last and least artsy person to do this. Jokes apart, anyone here does it? Any favorite things, tips, resources for mid career professionals?

    1. You are definitely not the last or least artsy person. The fanciest my bullet journal gets is different colors :) One thing to keep in mind is you can do whatever you want! Start with the basic premise, but also do some googling for “minimalist bullet journal” (or “bujo”) – that helped me feel like it was okay to just start. It doesn’t have to be perfect, the layout can be different every day or week, and you can add what works for you and leave the rest. I love mine and it works for me.

  19. I’m starting the week off with some major relationship drama. BF and I are long distance (10 hour flight). We try to see each other every other month, but unfortunately there’s only one long weekend that works for us between the holidays and summer. We knew the dates but hadn’t booked flights yet. On Friday, he excitedly told me that a few friends are coming to visit him from overseas – on our weekend. He got the dates mixed up. At least one friend had already booked a nonrefundable flight.

    BF asked me if I wanted him to cancel on his guys weekend. He said how hard it would be on everyone and all the reasons he shouldn’t cancel. Frankly I think he should cancel and pay his friend’s flight change fee; but I’m not going to tell him to cancel and then it’s my “fault” his friends are mad at him. Also, I’m not going to beg someone to spend time with me; if he doesn’t want to see me then why are we dating. I told him whatever he does has to be his decision; I’m not going to tell him to cancel on his friends but he should do what he thinks is right.

    I guess he’s taken that as my blessing? Yesterday he said I’m being too hard on him, I can’t be upset anymore because he offered to cancel and I said no. I’m almost more mad about this response than the initial mistake – you messed up and then put it back on me to “make” you fix it. No you either fix it or don’t and deal with the consequences, which might be that you’ve shown me how much of a priority I am and I have to decide what to do with that information. I’m so bitterly disappointed by the whole thing. What do you think, ladies, is it time to let this one go or should I give him another shot?

    1. Well, seeing someone only once in 6 months…. are you sure you guys are dating? I think this one is gone already….

    2. I’ve done a similar distance LDR and the key factor for me would be his reaction to the situation. Is he asking you to come for that weekend anyway because he wants you to meet his friends? Is he offering to come visit you even at an inconvenient time (like 72 hrs visit) so that you get to see each other. I’d give him another shot if he seems upset about not seeing you and trying to make something work. If they are visiting in April, can he come see you on the May long weekend?

      1. Something to think about, thanks. Just to respond to your questions – he hasn’t offered/I can’t go to him for that weekend (location isn’t flexible for me); he’s offered to come to me but there’s no other couple-of-day period that would work for both of us. Memorial Day might work… but that’s still 5 months without seeing each other and we’d talked about getting together in early June anyway.

        2. Can you not meet half way? We met up at a third location a few times, because the flight times bought us more time together. Regardless of the logistics, it’s his attitude that matters. We once spend 6 months apart which was really hard but we knew we would be together for two months immediately after which helped.

    3. You’re ignoring the larger issue: your relationship is not going to work out. If you’re a 10 hour flight away from each other, the only reason to have a “relationship” is if you’re moving towards marriage and getting yourselves relatively local in relatively short order. If that is the case, he wouldn’t have asked about the guys’ weekend; he would have scotched it himself.

      If you want to date for funsies, save yourself the drama and plane rides and find someone local for that.

      1. There are other reasons to have relationships besides marriage, but I agree that if you don’t get to see each other for months at a time and you don’t have great communication there doesn’t seem to be much relationship happening.

    4. Oof. I don’t have great advice, but my now-DH and I were long distance for several years and this was definitely our biggest issue when we were dating. He never did anything this bad, but I remember one weekend he came to visit me and he booked a get together with a different guy friend every single day and I just felt so hurt, like he was there to visit me but he wasn’t actually visiting me at all. I felt exactly like you did – I didn’t want to have to tell him to spend time with me, I wanted him to WANT to spend time with me. Do you have an end date for the long distance in sight? I think there’s some truth to the idea that long distance doesn’t create issues, it just exacerbates existing issues, but I will say this has just been a total non-issue now that we’re in the same place. My DH is, and presumably always will be, a much more extroverted person than me, and he really needs regular get togethers friends who are not me. Intellectually I can understand that, but it was really hard when we were long distance and our time together was so limited. However, now that we live together, he can have all the time with friends he wants and it doesn’t negatively impact me in the slightest. So if you don’t foresee being long distance for much longer than maybe it’s just something you need to power through.

    5. I think you shot yourself in the foot a little bit there by not saying “It really hurts my feelings that you forgot about our weekend together and it *is* very important to me that we see each other during the weekend we already blocked off. Yes, I would like you to come visit me during our weekend, even if that means canceling your other trip.” That’s how you feel! It’s not wrong to communicate your disappointment and what you would like him to do (keep your original planned schedule).

      That said, is there any way he can free himself of other commitments during the first two quarters so that he can see you on a weekend that wasn’t previously free? If the other commitments he had were “wants” and not “needs” (golf trip with the guys? vacation on his own?) can he cancel them?

      1. I’m inclined to agree. I totally get not wanting to be the stereotypical “bad girlfriend” who forces her partner to choose her over friends, but the reality is, OP, he made a commitment to you first, he should prioritize that over the plans he made in error. You need to be honest with him about what you feel and what you want, especially since he asked!

        I also have to agree with the others. This relationship is only going to work long-term if there’s a plan to close the gap, AND if both of you are making a real, honest effort to see each other on a regular basis, and prioritizing those visits (and that means remembering when they are so you don’t double book yourself). If that’s not the case here, surely you can find someone closer to you.

      2. Agreed. Your response to him was passive aggressive, OP. You should have told him your feelings are hurt and asked him to fix, rather than expecting him to read your mind and magically come to the same conclusion. You have to decide whether your ego is more important than your need to see him. If you love him, miss him and want to see him – tell him so! And then work with him to come up with a way to make it happen (despite his mistake and the friends’ bookings).

    7. My 2 cents: I don’t understand long-distance “relationships” where there’s not a defined commitment of moving closer to each other within a determined period of time. With a 10-hour distance and every-other-month visits (that, P.S., he doesn’t prioritize enough to remember the dates of the next one) that’s not really a relationship; the two of you are just killing time with each other until something better comes along. If you want to continue seeing this guy, do so, but I would date other people in my own city and allow him to date other people as well. And then the problem will kind of…work itself out as either you or he will meet someone closer to you that you like better and whom you can actually have a real relationship with. Any relationship of any kind whatsoever is not better than no relationship. You’re settling for crumbs, here. You don’t have to.

    8. Honestly, if you don’t have a plan to move to the same location, you should call it quits. If there is truly no time at all except that one weekend where you could see each other, it’s probably not going to work out either. I’m not saying that to be a jerk, I’ve been in a long distance relationship before, too. I kind of understand his desire to want to see his friends – maybe they also have trouble scheduling a date.

      1. I’m absorbing everything everyone is saying, thanks. Just to clarify – there was no back and forth with his friends about a date. He accepted the first date they proposed. He thinks it somehow gets him off the hook because he didn’t suggest the date and simply accepted it? I don’t understand that logic and I told him so.

        Also because people have asked – we had planned for him to move to my location. Nothing has been set in motion yet, though.

        1. Yeah, it’s not on his buddies to know what weekends he doesn’t have available. It’s on him to, when they propose it, say oops no that’s the weekend I am going to see OP, that won’t work. He didn’t care enough to do that. He’s not off the hook.

      2. Amen to this. I was there in a very similar situation to OP with the same vague plan for him to move to my city. He put it off and put it off and I stupidly stayed with him every time he did. He was never going to move to be with me and I wish I’d cut my losses a lot sooner; it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartbreak.

    9. I mean, he doesn’t prioritize seeing you over having his buddies visit. Obviously, otherwise he would have blocked out “your weekend” in the calendar and left no room for this “mistake.” Only you can decide whether it’s worth continuing this relationship in light of that fact, but it’s self-evident how he approaches the situation.

  20. I am getting married in September and we are trying to decide on our honeymoon. We want something fairly quiet, not a city, and not crowded or hot in September. Neither of us are very fit or outdoorsy, so it needs to be somewhere where our activity options are more than hiking. So far on our list we have New England and Pacific Northwest, but we need to narrow it down obviously. Where would you go?

    1. Acadia National Park is lovely! There is a lot of hiking, but there’s also biking, boating, good food, and scenic drives (there’s even a mountain you can drive up for good views). September (especially late September) is gorgeous there, and would not be crowded or hot.

      1. Yeah, fly into Boston and there’s a lovely week roadtrip up the coast, ending at Acadia.

        Daytrips/stops on the way to adorable little towns and cities including (but not limited to) Ogunquit, Portland (great food scene), Boothbay Harbor, Rockland/Camden, Belfast, Castine, and Bar Harbor/Acadia. Weather will be mild, scenery will be beautiful. If you’re so interested, there are lots of places you can take a ferry to a cute little island (maybe Vinalhaven?). Lots of seafood and charm.

      2. I’ve been to Acadia in late September and it’s lovely and not that crowded, especially during the week. Even if you’re not super fit, the hikes are pretty manageable and you can do a lot in short walks from the car or just wander around Bar Harbor. The White Mountains in NH are also nice then, but those hikes are more ambitious. You can still see a lot driving, though.

    2. Cape Cod. We’ve gone twice in September. Weather in the 70s, crowds are gone, good mix of nature and cute towns.

    3. If you don’t want a city, and you don’t want the outdoors, what do you anticipate doing during the honeymoon?

      2. I like outdoors, but prefer more of a stroll along a coast walk or something that we can do for a hour and then wander back rather than the hiking and kayaking and being active all day that some vacations expect. I also love walking through small towns with unusual architecture and little local shops and that kind of thing. There are a lot of options between city and wild nature and I’m looking for something in the middle.

      3. +1, sort of confused by this. Maybe Napa? You can eat good food and drink good wine, and the scenery is pretty, but there’s not really anything athletic you need to do. September weather might be too hot for you though.

      4. I know nothing about OP, but it used to be REALLY clear what was done on a honeymoon. I get that many (most?) people don’t wait anymore, but I found this question really amusing

        2. It made me laugh too :) But seriously, even the most, ahem, active people can’t spend 24 hours on that. I think it was clear that “what do you want to do outside the bedroom?” was the question.

        3. I’m the Anon at 11:20 am, and we waited until our wedding night. I’m perplexed by your amusement, because no couple I know who waited just did nothing on their honeymoon except each other.

          We knew that we wouldn’t be able to spend 24 hours a day going at it, but we also knew that we didn’t want a situation in which we felt bad for spending a pile of money to fly to France or Italy and not see amazing history because we wanted to explore each other. So we flew to a small city in the United States, and chose one with a lot of things we like – history, museums, fancy restaurants on the river, wineries, nature, a zoo.

          My in-laws also waited; one couple went to a big city in the US, and the other couple went to a small, outdoorsy area (think, one went to San Fran, and the other went to the Smokey Mountains). You pick an area with fun stuff to do, but not so much to do that you don’t have time for honeymoon activities.

          If you truly want to spend 24 hours a day going at it, the correct place to go is one with a hotel that has a whirlpool in the room and plenty of local restaurants that deliver.

    5. Ipswich is really cute around that time of year! And there’s a winery, and a meadery, and a beach that may still be nice even though it’s late in the year, and you could go tour the Crane Estate, and do a day trip to Salem.

    6. When my husband and I were dating, we took a 10 day road trip through New England – it was truly heavenly. We spent a day and a half in Boston doing all the historic touristy things (JFK library, USS Constitution, Faneuil Hall, walking tour), then drove up into New Hampshire and explored a couple quaint towns, bopped over to Vermont for maple syrup and King Arthur Flour, then drove across Maine to get to Acadia and LL Bean, then down to Newport, RI. Just absolutely wonderful – probably the best vacation I’ve ever taken in my life. (FWIW, I think Bar Harbor, ME is overrated and there are so many more authentic towns to visit.) We stayed in guest cottages and BnBs along the way – one darling one in a small town in Maine was a sweet older woman’s guest cabin on a lake – we went mini golfing that night with ice cream and then got up that morning and went canoeing before getting back on the road.

      1. This kind of thing sounds perfect. How far do you think a 4-5 day trip would get us?

        1. You could easily do Boston, Salem (witch trials! House of Seven Gables!), Nantucket / Cape Cod, Newport RI!

    7. I would go the Pacific Northwest route. Stay in the Sooke Harbor House on Vancouver Island. Probably the most romantic place The Hubs and I ever stayed (fireplace! double deep outdoor soaking tub! ocean steps away!) Activities include fishing (really fun; I can recommend a charter), kayaking, hiking, spa, tea in Victoria (so lovely!), Butchart Gardens, the Castle in Victoria (cannot remember the name), visiting the Parliament buildings, and sitting and enjoying the ocean.

      1. The Oregon Coast is usually lovely in September. (Summer here is really July-September.) Lots of cute little towns, all beaches in Oregon are public access so you can stroll for literally miles.

    9. Blackberry Farm in Tennessee is pretty amazing if you just want to veg out for a few days.

      I also think the suggestions for Napa/Sonoma or a New England mini-tour are good.

      1. Tennessee local here. I second the idea of Townsend, but would suggest Dancing Bear Lodge instead of Blackberry.

  21. Is anyone here in house counsel at an oil and gas company? I’m considering a move from big law and researching compensation at the senior counsel and AGC level. I’ve already looked at Glassdoor and thought I would also ask the lovely ladies here what I can expect in terms of comp. Thanks in advance!

    1. Honestly, a local recruiter will probably be your best source to know what comp ranges are typical for companies in the markets you’re looking in and for your seniority level. Knowing what random people on this board make isn’t going to help you that much unless you’re comparing apples to apples.

    2. It will likely vary between government, regulated and private companies. I’ve been in-house in HCOL city in two companies and senior counsel is 170,000-215,000 ish plus 20% or so bonus and often other benefits like deferred comp, stock grants for another 20%, 401k match, pension, etc.

      In many states regulated utilities file reports through their utilites commission/regulator that give salaries for certain positions so you can check that route too.

  22. When planning to get pregnant, would you or did you care about the timing of a birthday for a potential child? We have no indication of possible fertility issues- is it crazy to put off trying for a few more months, so as possibly avoid a late fall/holiday birthday? In a perfect world, is there a best time of year to be pregnant or a best time of year to have a birthday?

    1. This is just beyond absurd. Having a baby isn’t like shopping at the mall. You can’t control it like this. Start trying when you’re ready not because of this silliness.

        1. Seriously, it’s not like OP was talking about fighting with her husband or racing off to get an abortion if the timing wasn’t perfect. This is a non-issue and a common thing to think about.

      2. She didn’t say it was like shopping at the mall. It was a perfectly reasonable question as phrased. Tons of people try to time babies, with varying degrees of success. Dh and I both grew up as professor’s kids in college towns, and probably half the kids we knew had birthdays in late April, May or June. Not a coincidence.

      3. You can definitely control parts of it, like avoiding a baby that is due around the winter holidays. It’s not 100% foolproof if your baby is premature, but not getting pregnant at a certain time is always an option.

    2. It’s very individual what’s “best,” but I would say yeah it’s worth avoiding the holidays if you have no known fertility issues. Avoiding 1-2 months is easier than hitting 1-2 months, obviously. My husband and I tried for a January-March baby and succeeded (late February). The biggest reason was he’s an academic and we wanted me to be on leave in the spring and not have to go back to work until the beginning of summer when he was home. Work/leave factors were the biggest reason, but we also like that our daughter will be solidly in the middle of the class age-wise (school cutoff is August here) and that her birthday is far from major holidays and not in the summer (husband and I have summer birthdays and hated not having friends around to celebrate with us when we were in elementary school). And February can be kind of a blah month in places with a real winter, and I like that her birthday is a big bright spot to look forward to. My mom is a February birthday and they almost shared the actual birth date (which my mom would have LOVED) but I couldn’t time it that perfectly ;)

      I really liked being heavily pregnant in the winter because I didn’t have to deal with the unpleasant swelling that a lot of my friends complained about. I was a little worried about catching the flu or falling on ice, but I was able to work from home a lot, which helped, and by third trimester my immune system was doing better than it was in early pregnancy. I’ve heard that your immune system is most suppressed in the first trimester, and that was my experience, which is another reason to avoid TTC in January/February when the flu is still in full force.

      1. I’m due later this month and heartily co-sign all of this. It’s wonderful to be heavily pregnant in the cold instead of the heat. (Right around week 35, my body turned into a furnace.) It’s great that our child will be neither very old nor very young for his grade. His birthday will be enough removed from Christmas that one won’t overshadow the other. Kids will all be around for his birthday.

        It was also nice to have a lot of time off in the third trimester: between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, I got a lot of breaks that are definitely needed at this stage in the game.

        We did not try for late January/any time in February and count backwards, so much as decide to start trying for kids shortly after our wedding due to my age. But it worked out really well.

        That said, you can’t always plan for these things, and my best advice is to just avoid known pitfalls (e.g., make sure your delivery date is at least a month or two after you become FMLA eligible; maybe don’t try the month that would lead to a Christmas baby).

        1. Potential counterpoint if you face extreme weather: I was very pregnant during ‘snowmageddon’ in Boston some years ago – do not recommend! Although I agree there is only so much you can do to plan, and conception happens when it happens.

        2. Congrats! :) I ran very hot too. I actually never even bought a maternity winter coat because I was so hot that even in Midwest winter, I could usually walk from my car to my office without being uncomfortable. I borrowed a huge ski jacket of my husband’s on the coldest days.

        3. Thank you, Anon at 11:39!

          I’m currently in the Midwest, and moved from Boston. Our math would have been different if still in New England, because the idea of trying to be pregnant in February of 2015 sounds like torture. :) But in my area, the average high in January is about 40, and the average high in August is like 90. I nearly melted during my second trimester.

          I squeaked in under the wire for not needing a maternity coat – just bought a cheap coat at Costco one size up in October, and now I wear my pregnancy running jacket when I need something to zip over my huge belly. Thankfully, it’s been warm enough to get away with it!

        4. counterpoint, July baby and it was wonderful to be able to wear open toe shoes the last 10 weeks of pregnancy, my feet cramped so bad in anything even a little tight. Also not being stuck at home with a newborn in winter due to low temps and also flu season. I get the sads in winter bad enough without the added isolation of being a new mom.
          But TTC the 2nd time is taking longer and I’d be happy with any time, I could find pros/cons to any time of year.

    3. My husband has a birthday close to Christmas, which he didn’t love, so we tried to avoid late December birthdays. Obviously your kid will be fine even if they’re born on December 25, but if you can avoid, might as well try. Other than that, it’s not fun being heavily pregnant in the summer so August and September birthdays are rough. School cut-offs also come into play with August and September. I personally love having a June birthday even if everyone is off school by then. My kids are April and October, which are a nice mix of not the dead of winter and far apart from each other.

    4. I am not in this phase of my life yet, but yes, I do plan to care. Between my husband and me we have 4 immediate family members whose birthdays are within two weeks of Christmas, and I would really like to not have to add to that craziness.

      But this from my distant view of the subject, so get your salt ready.

      1. Yeah OP it’s kinda crazy.
        We have 13 birthdays between Thanksgiving and Christmas, plus our wedding anniversary around that time, and it’s fine. Yes we sing happy birthday 9 times at Thanksgiving and 4 times at Christmas; no one cares.

    5. I think its fine to try, as long as you keep in mind that there are no guarantees. My first has a birthday in mid-December, and it’s definitely a pain. There’s just so much else going on, and it’s one more thing to plan. So, assuming no rush, I’d try to avoid that (knowing, of course, that things can always happen at times you don’t expect). Some women really hate being super-pregnant in the hottest part of summer, so you can consider trying to avoid that if you’re really bothered by heat already (though I liked being huge in summer, when there are fewer clothes to worry about!) I think it would be hard to be really heavy in the really dark, cold part of winter, since everything’s already a slog then, though I probably wouldn’t bother to plan around it.

      I don’t know that there’s really a best time to have a birthday – mine’s in winter and I always wished it were in summer, but I’m sure there are disadvantages to that, too.

      My theory on just about everything baby-having is to try to do things your way, but always be ready to roll with what you get, because a lot won’t work like you think. Good luck to you!

      1. I agree with this advice. My first kid’s bday is Oct and our school district has Dec 31 cutoff. It’s kind of a pain dealing with so many other people who’s kids have fall birthdays playing the red shirt game. My bday is in May and I was smack in the middle of the pack age-wise. I’m pro-spring bdays. Would have been nice to have off all summer on maternity leave, too. My second kid’s bday is July and it was lovely having maternity leave during August/Sept.

    6. There are pluses and minuses to being pregnant at different times of the year. I’d focus on when you want the birthday to be. I aimed for summer/fall our kids which thankfully worked out. There are a riduculous amount of birthdays in both our immediate local families in December (1, 9, 14, 23, 26, 31 plus Christmas and New Year’s) and in May/June (4, 14, 31, 1, 13, 23 plus mother’s and father’s days) and like zero family birthdays in the rest of the year so we planned to take breaks in trying to avoid due dates in late November through early January and May/June to the extent possible. 6 birthdays in 4-6 weeks was crazy enough for those periods that I didn’t want to add my kids birthdays in.

    7. Babies born in January are thought to have a leg-up on their same-grade peers in terms of academic preparedness and athletic ability. Malcolm Gladwell wrote about it, although idk if it’s ever been replicated.

      1. I think that depends on the academic year cut off. In the past 30+ years, school cut offs have changed. It was Dec 31 when I was growing up (I’m 43). Most places it is Sept 1 now. Buy many sports activities still go by birth year. So, Sept bdays may have the academic advantage that Jan bdays used to have. But Jan bdays will do better in non-school, birth year categorized athletic activities.

      2. Doesn’t it depend on the school cutoff? January kids are only the oldest if the cutoff is December 31. It is Aug. 1 where I live, so I imagine it’s August/September kids that have the advantages of being the oldest.

      3. I think that was for athletics, and athletics wherein access to the sport is limited (e.g., hockey and swimming, because ice time and lane times are far more limited than, say, access to a basketball court).

    8. I took it into account for my second child, not my first. We got pregnant the first month with our first. We knew we wanted an age gap of about 2 years between the first and second. We specifically didn’t start trying until the month after our first was conceived. I didn’t want them to have birthdays in the same month. It worked out. I’m now due with the second and the due date is 3 weeks after my first one turns 2. Obviously still a possibility that this one will be early but what can you do? They’re May/June birthdays and I loved being on leave for the summer last time around.

      1. +1 to this. My friend has non-twins born on the same day. She loves it, but I really don’t think the kids do. I think some of that is her parenting (they always have a joint b-day party etc) but a lot of that is just the situation. No little kid wants to share a birthday with a sibling.

    9. Adding to the chorus that I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, and we had plenty of friends who timed pregnancies, with varying degrees of success. I personally didn’t think about timing at all, and have a late Sept baby and an early April baby. School-wise, the Sept baby is always near the youngest in her class, but so far that hasn’t been an issue. If I were to do it again (which won’t be happening), I’d probably try for another spring baby, just to avoid the school cut-off issues and holiday season issues.

    10. I ended up not being able to time a thing as we had fertility challenges. If I could have chosen, I would have had our baby in March, April or May. Good times to be able to take the baby out on walks, etc.; it’s past flu season; you have the whole summer to look forward to, and it’s far enough away from the holidays. As it is I delivered July 31. I live in the Southwest. It was hotter than Hades the weeks before I delivered and afterwards and I was miserable and it was an ongoing battle to stop heat/diaper rash on the baby. It was definitely not what I would have chosen. If you can plan around or for certain things, but still maintain a flexible attitude in case the plan doesn’t work out? Go for it.

    11. Honestly, I wish I had waited a month to start trying. It looks like we’ll be holding my kid back a year because he was born on August 30th (Sept 1 is the school cutoff date here) and it is not looking like he’ll be ready, especially compared to some of his classmates who are a year or more older than him. Lots of people get pregnant on the first try! FWIW, I did not mind being pregnant in the summer. It was nice to wear flip flops and be able to swim.

      1. My mid-August kid repeated a grade. There was definitely a question of “is he just young or is he truly not ready?” that may have been easier to analyze if he was further away from the Sept. 1 cut-off date.

    12. I care about the timing. I think ideal timing is different for everyone. I’m in a city with crazy expensive daycare costs and free public school starting at 3 years old, and I’m planning to start trying late this spring with the hope of having a baby late winter/early spring of 2021. My hope is that I can avoid having to pay for two daycares for multiple years since I hope to have a second two years later. It’s worth noting that there are other reasons I’m waiting to start trying, like a big international family vacation this Spring, but the timing is one factor. If it works, great. If I have fertility problems and don’t have a baby before September 2021, I’m sure I will be so happy to have a baby that I won’t care about that extra daycare costs.

      Assuming that your age isn’t a factor, deciding to wait for a few months to avoid the holiday is a super reasonable thing to do.

    13. Pregnant now, and we had a specific time in mind for the kiddo arriving. It took us a couple months to get pregnant, but I generally timed it so that my maternity leave is during a slower season for work.
      Couple of downsides are I will be massively pregnant during the hottest part of the year and kid will likely be right around the cutoff time for school.
      Timing is totally a thing people try to do, but as others have said, understand you may not hit it just right. I’d aim for roughly a quarter you want to have the kid around. Also, if you are set on having a due date during a specific time, start researching now ways to increase your odds (ovulation tests, etc). I wouldn’t just “pull the goalie” if you are trying to plan for a certain month.

      1. +1 also get off hormonal BC well in advance and use cond*ms until you’re ready to actually start trying. I don’t know how grounded in science it is that it takes your body time to “normalize” after hormonal BC, but it can’t hurt (unless you have a medical reason to be on BC).

        1. Yep, definitely this. I’m the anon at 12:29, and I got off birth control only 3 months or so before we wanted to start trying. It was hard because the length of my cycles hadn’t leveled off. One cycle was around 30, then I had 2 around 40+. Made estimating ovulation without tests darn near impossible. I had to pee on a lot of sticks because I didn’t want to miss the window

    14. The only people I know who cared about timing were ones who wanted to be pregnant all in one year, so as to not pay two years worth of high insurance deductibles.

      1. Fascinating. My entire pregnancy and delivery was billed globally. The deductible only applied once. I would have hated to plan my conception around a short window only to discover later that it didn’t matter!

    15. if i could have chosen i would’ve liked to have my child in october or february/march, though for the october it would’ve meant i was at the end of my pregnancy during the super hot season where we live. this is also because i live in an area where the school cutoff is August 31 and I prefer for my kids to be on the older side. If I lived in an area with a December 31 cutoff I would have a different preference. Life happens though – I was pregnant due in March, had a miscarriage and then ended up having May babies who will be on the younger side based on where we live, but I also have a May bday so hopefully it will be ok! I also kind of like that the bday is not close to the other major gift giving holidays because it helps spread things out

    16. The thing is most people don’t have indications of fertility challenges until they start trying. Probably everything will be fine but if it’s not, you’ll spend tons of time second guessing your decision to wait. It’ll be fine once you have the kid, but honestly, I wouldn’t put yourself in that position. And having children inherently involved embracing uncertainty. Might as well start getting used to that.

    17. We had certain months were if I were not yet pregnant, I wanted to stop and then I calendared when we could try again. I was lucky in that we got pregnant quickly and I didn’t have to use this option, but yes, I did consider it.

      We didn’t have fertility issues (see above) and weren’t on a time crunch so to the extent I could control that I wanted to. Of course, should we have had a premature delivery or something I wouldn’t have cared about not being within my desired window of time. I understood that there could have been things out of my control.

    18. We cared a lot with kid #1 – I was going to be on the big annual job market in my field and did not want to do it with a newborn – we would have stopped trying if we missed our window. We cared less with kid #2, whose due date wound up being our wedding anniversary, and was born one day early.

    19. I’m not planning to have kids, but if I were, I think I would try to aim for sometime in the school year that’s not around Christmas. I’ve heard from people with December birthdays that their birthdays sometimes get forgotten in the holiday craziness, and people give them gifts that are supposed to do double duty and that’s not great, and knowing me I would try to overcorrect and squeeze in special birthday stuff in addition to Christmas stuff and drive myself crazy in the process.

      You may also want to avoid summer birthdays; my sister would always get frustrated trying to plan a birthday party when so many of her friends would go on vacation, or be away at camp. Not fun.

    20. Putting aside the question of whether you can/should plan for it, I would just give a vote for an April baby. It was perfect – I was pregnant for all the good eating holidays (all the Halloween candy, all the Thanksgiving food, all the Christmas cookies) and was never pregnant really during the summer (when I was, it was so early that I didn’t have any issues with heat or discomfort). I was able to hide it longer than most too because I started showing just when thick sweaters and coats were coming out. And after birth, when I was finally coming up for air after the first couple of weeks, it was just getting really nice out to go walk outside. And we missed cold and flu season with a little one.

      1. You forgot the most important part: April babies are amazing people. :)

        (Sorry, April birthday here, as is my husband and like 90% of my in-laws.)

    21. There’s so little that you can plan and control, especially when it comes to TTC. The proportion of energy you’ll put into trying to figure out the perfect scenario in comparison to the odds you’ll actually be able to execute it just as you planned is very small. When it comes to this issue, just leave it up to God (or nature, or time, or whatever suits your beliefs). It will be fine. :)

      1. ? I don’t get this. You ‘execute’ it by not TTC in certain months. That doesn’t guarantee you a baby in other months but it does mean you are very unlikely to have a December (or whenever) baby unless they are a pre-emie and it’s not super common to have premies.

        1. Yeah. Timing your kid for a particular month is hard. Avoiding having a baby in December is easy. You literally just use a gardening glove during the one month that would lead to a baby due in December. Obviously emergencies happen and some babies come way too early, but that’s very rare. A first time mom is most likely to deliver about a week after her due date.

      2. This just doesn’t make sense to me. It sounds like the OP is ready to start trying now, but is considering waiting until March/April-ish in order to avoid having a baby around the holidays. She would then have almost a full year of trying before she would have to worry about the holidays again. If she doesn’t get pregnant in that year, I suspect she may just not care that much about the timing anyways.

        Assuming that age isn’t an issue or factor, I would wait in order to avoid a December baby too.

  23. Has anyone experienced with Themis’ Law School Essentials outline or lectures? I’m wondering how helpful the free lectures they have on their website are for self-study. I would appreciate any insight into this or alternative self-study materials (only non-introductory one I’ve found is Yale’s open course on contracts). TIA!

    Context:
    – I have a first degree in law from a non-US law school with 5+ years of experience as an attorney, and am planning to sit the NY bar after finishing an LLM program that is fully funded by an outside grant.
    – I’m hoping to work on my own through the basics of 1L subjects that the LLM doesn’t fully cover, though I might take the standard bar prep course along with the JDs in the summer. I understand that as an international candidate I will need to spend more time and effort on understanding the basic concepts, but I can’t bring myself to cough up the $6000 that Barbri charges foreign candidates for their extended online bar prep course.
    – I generally do better with good lectures vs reading only, and have been trained in memorization-based standardized tests (multiple choice and issue spotter essays) for basically what feels like my entire life.

    1. I’m not familiar with Law School Essentials, but I did Themis Bar Review and had a really great experience with them.

    2. I did an LLM as an international student and took and passed the NY bar. My training was in British law and English is my first language so YMMY depending on those factors. This doesn’t answer your question but I took as many of the difficult courses that would be tested on the bar as I could, as part of the LLM track. I also paid for the Themis bar prep course that the JDs take which is absolutely essential. My advice, start studying for the bar exam early and do as much of the prep course as humanly possible. Do not try any crazy study methods – you know what works for you by now whether its audio, reading or practice questions – stick with that and you will be ok. This is going to be hard but it can be done. Good luck!

    3. So I used to teach LLM courses specifically intended to help foreign-trained students sit for the NY bar. A couple of thoughts:

      -You are making a big mistake if you don’t take a bar prep course with the JDs. Virtually every JD who sits for a bar exam takes it; as a foreign-trained lawyer you’re starting from a disadvantage so you do NOT want to make that worse by skipping it. Move that from a “might” to a “will.” If you do nothing else, do that. You don’t necessarily need to do the extended one, but you need to do the standard one.
      -Based on your comment, I’m assuming that either English is your first language or is a fully fluent second language, but if you have any concerns about working in English under time constraints, see if you can get your hands on prior year bar materials (like from an alum who sat last year) and start doing practice tests/essays earlier. For a lot of my students, that was a huge hurdle.
      -In fact, if you can get your hands on prior year bar materials generally, it’s worth grabbing them now and starting to familiarize yourself. If pure reading only doesn’t work well for you, would outlining work better (so at least you have to actively engage with material)? I don’t (unfortunately) have any insight into themis.

    4. I used some of the free Themis lectures in law school. I liked the lecture handouts they provide where you fill in the blanks. It kept me engaged and feeling confident that I understood the major concepts. This might be a good place for you to start. Also, ask law professors for 20 minutes of their time to go over anything that you find confusing.

      I agree with the poster above who recommends practice essays. Ultimately, there is no substitute for practice.

    5. Given how you describe your learning style, I think you should pay for the BarBri lectures. Whatever the cost, it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than a JD.

  24. Would you think it’s odd to have a wedding reception without flowers? I’m getting married later this year, and I really hate the environmental impact and cost of cut/arranged flowers. They just aren’t important to me, but it seems like every photo I’ve seen has floral arrangements. I feel like I can easily skip them for the ceremony but am stumped for table centerpieces that don’t have flowers.

    We were considering hurricane lanterns or vases with potted succulents, which is something I’m hoping we can repurpose afterward on our own patio, but any other ideas? TIA!

    1. I went to a wedding that did succulent centerpieces that guests took home as favors. I liked that approach. I’ve also seen centerpieces with cool objects, like antique telescopes.

      1. Thanks! I love this idea, but a lot of our guests are flying in for the wedding and won’t be able to carry them home. I may see if I can donate to a nursing home or somewhere similar afterward though.

    2. I’ve seen weddings with just candle centerpieces.

      Does the idea of giving floral arrangements to nursing homes afterwards make it any better for you? My florist had those contacts and took care of that afterwards.

    3. Succulents sounds really nice! We had some fresh flowers at my wedding (bouquets, etc.) but we didn’t do table centerpieces, both for budget reasons and because I’ve been at weddings with giant centerpieces that inhibited conversation. Our venue was a hotel and they had small flowers and candles on each table (basically like a nice restaurant does for dinner) and it seemed fine? No one complained about it at least, and I don’t think the photos look weird.

    4. Candles
      Books
      Wood – maybe branches with fairy lights
      Feathers (APW has a pretty driftwood/feather/glitter centerpiece)

    5. I’m one million years old, but I knew people who did candles floating in bowls as centerpieces or similar things. I like flowers but when my friends were getting married, my views on flower arrangements went from “eh” to “this is fine” to “at least they kind of dressed up the place” (it was a pretty small, unattractive venue). For my own wedding, the flowers seemed to brighten up a darker-than-average Victorian interior (it was an old house repurposed as a wedding/event venue) but I went to a law firm party there six months later with zero flowers and it was plenty bright. Do what you like, someone you love will complain anyway!

    6. I wouldn’t think it was odd! I *think* I’ve been to weddings without centerpieces at all, in fact. I can’t say for sure because honestly I don’t remember basically any of them, which inclines me to think it doesn’t matter. What about squares of pretty fabric or scrapbooking paper, with tealights or mini-votives in clear or neutral holders? They don’t have to match between tables so you could potentially pick them up at thrift stores and jumble sales.

    7. We were on a budget and decorated the tables with hurricane lamps with surrounding votives and unscented potpourri (apparently actually a thing) in the wedding colors that the florist (he also did the bouquets and boutonnieres and the chuppah) pulled together and artfully arranged. It was inexpensive and easy. No regrets; we preferred having more money for the photos!

    8. At my wedding there were very few cut flowers. We rented elaborate metal centerpieces with lights in them and the florist scattered flower petals that she had plucked off preparing my bouquet and the boutineers across the tables for some color. We also specifically picked a venue that was pretty on its own so decorating costs were very minimal – just table clothes, the light centerpieces, and the scattered petals.

    9. I went to a wedding decorated mainly with hurricane lanterns and floating candles in various sized vases, and it was majestic against the backdrop of dark velvet and white curtains they had draped around the place. It was indoors, they had very few flowers, the backdrop of the alter was a wall full of vases with candles (real and artificial) and it looked amazing.

    10. For my own wedding, which was in January many years ago, we did small carved wood trays, some small candles in glass votives and pomegranates. They looked nice, some guests took some of this stuff home, and we used the trays around the house to for years after until we got divorced and I donated the remainder.

    11. I’ve definitely been to at least one wedding reception without floral centerpieces. They had nice DIY/personal crafty centerpieces that fit the venue instead. I think how it will look depends on what the venue is like. I am probably more likely to notice annoying flowers that make it hard to see people or pass around the bread basket than the absence of flowers, tbh. I do really like the idea of donating to a nursing home, though, whether you go floral or succulents.

    12. This might out me, but we made centerpieces from emptied bottles of local alcohol that we filled with artificial flowers and water.

    13. Votives and fruit are both options. Or if you are going towards fall, leaves, maybe chestnuts and pinecones. YHL had hurricane glasses with citrus and small candles: https://www.younghouselove.com/our-backyard-wedding/

      I don’t even remember what the restaurant put on the tables at my own wedding lunch! At a friend’s wedding, we had origami paper and simple instructions on the tables, for some entertainment.
      When it comes to saving money, you can also think about simplifying instead of leaving out flowers completely. I prefer the elegant look of a bunch of tulips, peonies or gerbera/daisies over an arrangement with all kinds of fluff. I made my own simple bridal bouquet for maybe $25, and that includes extra flowers for a test run two weeks before the event. It turned out exactly the way I wanted it.

      1. This. We had single flower vases on the tables. In total for 10 tables we had not more than 40 pink roses. I dried them after the wedding and decorated glass candle holders with the dried flowers.

    14. I don’t think I’d notice if a wedding I went to didn’t have centerpieces, or if they had centerpieces that weren’t flowers. Lanterns and succulents are fine ideas, maybe vases full of fairy lights could be cute. My cousin did centerpieces made of legos, which was fun and very authentic to who she was, but that’s obviously not everyone’s jam.

      I care about food, dancing, and getting to catch up with friends and family when applicable, so as long as I’m having a good time, the decorations might stand out if they’re really cute but honestly I’m not gonna be looking around going “no flowers??? how cheap and tacky! it’s simply not a wedding without flowers! harumph!”

      1. haha! Or you can be the grumpy relative that is critical of the union in general, in which case your choices don’t change any of that. Let me tell you, if grumpy grandma wants to find something to criticize, even the grandest country mansion, with elegant flower arrangement and three-star cuisine will not stop her from finding something to be scandalized about. I’ve been there, luckily I was only MOH.

        1. hit submit too fast. I meant YOUR (the bride’s and groom’s) choices don’t affect the agreeableness of grumpy relative.

        2. I’ve probably told this story before, but I had a relative who complained that there was actual wine at the communion (Episcopal church) instead of grape juice, because “won’t someone PLEASE think of the children attending this wedding?” Their youngest child was 16, the priest clearly stated communion involved wine (and it was optional), and somehow this was a SUPER scandal.

          In fairness, they were Baptists and had grown up Presbyterian, two Protestant denominations that usually *don’t* use real wine at communion.

    15. Nope I don’t think it’s weird! And honestly I don’t think I’d even notice.

    16. I don’t know if this is just a thing in my area, but around here there wedding resale shows several times a year where people will resell wedding decorations that they used (or didn’t use for whatever reason.) It’s a good way to get ideas for wedding decorations if you don’t want to use flowers and if you find something you like, you can always buy them for a lot cheaper than getting them new.

      Flowers are expensive, too, so a lot of the weddings I’ve been to, the brides got creative — anything from balloons to candles in vases or candleholders on a mirrored tile (the hall was pretty dark and the mirrored tile helped to reflect the candle light and brighten the room.) One bride made photo bouquets, tissue paper, and ribbon, and one of the oddest centerpieces I ever saw were fishbowls with goldfish. Not so sure how I feel about that, other than I was happy I didn’t have to take that one home! Anything goes, it seems!

      1. That was supposed to read “photo bouquets with pictures, tissue paper, and ribbon.” I’m sure somebody understood that, right?

    17. We didn’t have floral centerpieces. We handed out ribbon wands (like these: https://www.etsy.com/listing/126677901/a-set-of-10-ribbon-wands-for-party?gpla=1&gao=1&utm_campaign=shopping_us_PartyInspiration_sfc_osa&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_custom1=0&utm_content=7938078&gclid=CjwKCAiAx_DwBRAfEiwA3vwZYhSpMGiLV_I_9u0iERf6QVLizNlpaEBGIlAuG6iG6lqy5IAjd2-FBxoCeSkQAvD_BwE) to the guests for the parade from church to reception, which then became sort of do-it-yourself centerpieces when the guests put them in vases on the tables at the reception.

    18. I don’t think it’s weird. Lanterns or candles of some type seem to be the obvious solution, and you could also incorporate some greenery that isn’t as expensive/same environmental impact as cut flowers (something like magnolia leaves or holly if it’s a winter wedding or the like). I’d just peruse pinterest for ideas. Also, I don’t remember where I saw this, but there is some company that will make paper flowers out of old book pages and as a book nerd, I loved that idea.

  25. Sorry–late response to Friday’s question.

    I could not speak more highly of Lands End Business suiting (machine washable!) for exactly this situation. Go to the regular LE page and there’s a “Business Outfitters”–or something like that–inconspicuous link on the top bar. They have some of the same items as the regular LE suiting, but many more colors and sizes. Very easy returns, and lots of mix/matchable suiting separates. Wear like iron–though, TBH, the fabric is a little on the “flight attendant-y” side. For this purpose, though, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

    Also, you will likely get put on their “business customer” mailing list (especially if you order a lot of pieces/sizes for try-on!) and end up having to rebuff a couple of phone calls and throw away embroidered-polo-shirts type print catalogs. If you talk to someone from LE, though, just ask them to remove you from that list.

    Good luck!

    –DB Cooper

  26. Help me think through some options that my family may have.

    Background: My husband is a professor and will be tenured soon. He has applied for a sabbatical, which the school grants every 6-7 years. He would like to take that starting this August/September. Including the summer before and after the sabbatical, it would be 15 months off-duty for him (May 2020-August 2021). He has contacts in the bay area and could probably work from there for a year if he wanted. We are currently in the Midwest, own a house (fully paid off), our kid is in preschool and will start kindergarten in fall 2021, after the sabbatical ends.
    I have been at current job for 3 years, and am due for a promotion that I should get in March, but not guaranteed. Long-term, I would like to shorten my commute or find a job that’s 80-90% remote.

    We have started to explore options how to spend the sabbatical.
    1) Stay where we are, me trying to find a new job that fits the criteria. I.e. the boring option, no effort required.

    2) Take a 3 month break to travel and recharge (haven’t had a real break of >1 week for almost 6 years). I could ask for an unpaid leave at current job, but am pretty sure this won’t be granted, especially right after a potential promotion. After 3 month break, return to current city and do the boring 1). I may have to find a new job.

    3) Take the travel break, then relocate to the bay area for a year. Kid can go to daycare there. I could find a job there that will expand my skills and increase my value on the market. If we return to current city after sabbatical, I would either return to old company (different role, increased salary?), or some other company, or work remotely for bay area employer if possible.
    If we relocate temporarily, there is of course always a chance we will not return as opportunities may come up.

    Is there anyone who has done a sabbatical like this with a spouse? Do you have other creative options I am currently not thinking of?

    1. No real advice (3 sounds good to me, but we used to live in the Bay Area so I’m biased :P). I’m following, since I’m going to be in a similar boat hopefully one year after you (husband is going up for tenure in 202-21), although my husband’s university only gives one semester sabbaticals. The current plan is for us to all go live in Europe (in a city where has a lot of research contacts) for a semester if my job (same university but on the admin side) will give me unpaid leave. It will be a big financial hit, because of the loss of my salary and because we’ll need to pay for daycare here while we’re gone (long wait list and we probably wouldn’t get back in if we gave up our spot), so it is sort of the plan pending the finances working out at this point. DD will be 3.5-4 during that semester, and pulling her out of school won’t practical in 6 years when the next sabbatical opportunity rolls around, so I feel really strongly that I want to seize the day and go live abroad now while we have the chance. But ask me in a year if the finances work out for us to do it :)

      1. I think one semester sabbaticals are the norm here, with full salary from the school. But you can stretch that and do 1 year on half salary (and complement with whatever other stuff you do, e.g. consulting, working for a company).
        Moneywise, we could probably swing me not working for the entre sabbatical (wow, do 15 months off sound attractive to me), but the goal for me is to do something that benefits my career after our return.

    2. No real help, but I am the professor in your situation and we are planning on spending a year abroad. My husband already has a 100% remote job, so that’s not an issue. I am really, really looking forward to it!

  27. Is it reasonable to discuss your spouse’s grooming habits and overall appearance, assuming that hygiene is fine but there’s something kind of … lacking?

    The background is that DH is opposed to manscaping and using products other than deodorant and after-shave lotion. Except that he grows a beard/goatie in the winter. It is not my favorite thing in the world, and I find him much more attractive without facial hair, but I could deal with the look if he took better care of it. He keeps his beard trimmed, but I sincerely wish he’d do more than splash water on his face and call it washed. I’m sure that works fine when he’s bare-faced, but the currently state is not working for me. It’s scratchy and I find myself avoiding kissing him because it feels prickly. Beard oil would help that issue, yes? His face also is dry and flaky from not using any product whatsoever. (Or body soap on his face.)

    I don’t want to be a jerk or police how he looks, but overall, I just wish he’d put in more effort? Even with clothes, he just does not give a single crap about the details. We’ve been a couple since our early twenties and are now 40ish. I feel like I’ve stepped up my efforts to retain some sort of baseline level of attractiveness while he’s coasting along. I wish it didn’t bug me, but it does! The other guys in our circle have stepped up their efforts to look like the adult men that they are. I do not know how to tell him that I want him to care more about looking good for me, because I know I’d probably be hurt if someone said that to me.

    1. So you just want him to moisturize? I mean that seems like your only issue, he grooms his hair and cleans his hair regularly. I can’t imagine he’d be that opposed to to face lotion and beard oil, that’s and extra five seconds a day. If he balks at that…there is probably something else going on, I mean he can’t be that lazy.

      If he really is that lazy, buy him a gentle moisturizing soap for face and body and a facial oil as moisturizer that he can apply in shower to both his face and beard (jojoba oil works as a face and bear oil). I don’t think you’ll get more than that out of him but it’s a good baseline.

    2. I think you could make a suggestion and explain in a positive way what is bothering you (“I think x could look/smell really good on you” or “Sometimes your beard is too prickly for me to make out with you; have you ever considered using beard oil?” rather than “You’re not trying hard enough”), but that you have to leave the decision 100% up to him and not bring it up again if he decides he doesn’t want to try anything new.

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