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If you're on the hunt for warm, affordable leggings, I recommend this high-waisted, fleece-lined pair that I got a few weeks ago. I really like them — they do exactly what I want, they're comfortable, and they've got pockets. Note that they come in a zillion colors, too, and in sizes XS–3X. They are $26 and up, depending on color. 90 Degree By Reflex High-Waist Fleece-Lined Leggings
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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Has anyone tried the merino wool sweater blazers at Talbot’s? How do they run and what’s the sizing like at Talbot’s overall? I’m a size 12-14 and 5’4″.
gil
Yes! Although I don’t remember my size right now. I will check tonight and post.
Gil
I wear an 8 in jackets and have the small. (I typically teeter between small and medium sizes.) It’s warm, which is awesome. I see some minor pilling under the arms, after 5 or 6 wears.
anon
I like them alot. They are well made and very warm for winter. I have two in size Large purchased last year….I like last year’s style better because I don’t like the puffy sleeves they put on them this year. I am a size 12 in their jackets/blazers and 10 in their pants. You should get a large or maybe an XL if you like more room.
PolyD
I think their sizing is pretty standard. I’m a small in cardigans and knit blazers almost everywhere, including Talbots. I did make a Medium Petite sweater blazer from Talbots work last year, but I am narrow through the shoulders and not particularly long in the torso.
Katie
I think they’re TTS. I have one and really like it. Hoping to snag another on sale at some point!
NOLA
I have two – one black and one herringbone. They are slightly different styles and the herringbone ran a bit bigger. I think I have a small in both and I wear about a 6 on top.
Anon
The 100% merino wool ones are great! I have them in multiple colors and wear them under my jacket all the time on the winter. They are still near perfect after 3 years of weekly wear. I’m a size 8 in jackets and pants, not busty or athletic at all, and the M runs slightly small and the L slightly large for me. YMMV. I usually wear M in Ann Taylor, Banana Republic and Loft.
Lunches
What are you eating for lunches lately? I am so sick of my normal chicken/veggies and need some inspiration!
Abby
Soup! Today I had crushed lentil soup. I’ve also made chili, chicken tortilla, chicken noodle.
Anon
Yep, I was definitely going to say soup. So many delicious varieties that are a cinch to throw together.
Ellen
I am also a big soup fan, tho I nearly gave up on it when my ex lived with me b/c he always slurped soup with his mouth open, which was disgusting, and made gross noises while he ate the soup. No matter what kind it was the same. Slurp, Slurp, Slurp; then burp, burp, burp! FOOEY on him!
anne-on
Grain bowls! I cook a batch of farro in water or stock and then use it as a base. Today I threw in cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes, cilantro, peanuts, and a spicy peanut dressing as a ‘thai-style’ grain bowl.
Soft poached eggs would also be delicious add-ins too.
Anonymous
I do this with steel cut oats, eggs over easy, bacon and cheese and EBTB seasoning.
Anonymous
Baked potato with balsamic glazed veggies on top (squash, green beans and broccoli).
Anon
I also do grain bowls and soups, but also hummus and veggies and crackers; avocado toast if your work has a toaster; Trader Joe’s frozen cauliflower rice stir fry. I also will make a vegetarian protein rich “salad” that may contain garbanzos, hard boiled egg, nuts, avocado, feta, and any other quick throw ins.
Z
Packaged cereal and milk from the cafe in my building.. didn’t have time to get lunch while the cafeteria was open.
anon
Butter chicken or butter chickpeas, a big pot of chili, veggie soup, mac and cheese loaded with veggies, lentil soup.
NOLA
I got so tired of eating frozen lunches that I’m now eating a giant plate of vegetables (heirloom tomato, cucumber, carrots) with ancient grain naan and lemon hummus. Plus a couple Dove dark chocolate squares thrown in for good measure!
Alice
Chocolate makes everything better! Great tip to start off my week! :)
OC Queen
I saute a whole bunch of spinach and leeks then I add a bunch of feta I let it all wilt then crack some eggs over and put in oven for 10 minutes. Squirt some hot sauce on top and it is delicious. I just realized I work from home…so I guess this doesn’t work of you go into the office….
Housecounsel
I am on a grain bowl kick. Right now I am eating one with farro, butternut squash, white beans I made in the Instant Pot, spinach and a little bit of goat cheese.
Anonymous
Does anyone have an on-line or digital portfolio for their work. If yes, how do you structure it, e.g., talks, publications, videos made (either by or of you) etc.? If you’re in hiring, do you find this useful, particularly in the social sciences or marketing or research? Any other thoughts on this? I’m applying to research jobs and this is a requirement for one place and I was wondering if it is a useful tool generally.
The Original ...
Mine is divided into categories, sort of like a wiki page for everything me… but with tabs or pages instead of just sections. I then have everything I’ve published categorized and those categories are in APA format within themselves. I also include photos, logos, recommendations, links to places to connect, and a place to contact me. I am interested to see how hiring managers respond to this as I wonder if this varies by industry.
Anon
A Practical Wedding have done a few articles about building a personal website featuring your work. Najva Sol was the featured person in one, the founder in one, and a person whose company is callled The Black Doula was another. Their work sounds very different from yours, but some of the ideas may translate.
portfolio
Timely question, I’ve been meaning to update my personal website to make it more organized. How many talks/articles do you have? When I first started and only had a few, I put them on a page on my site with a screenshot of the article and a link to the piece, and you could just scroll down in reverse chronological order (ie: most recent at the top). Then I started getting more high-profile articles or sessions, so I put those toward the top. Now I have enough that I should really categorize it by topic, and include the articles and videos associated with each topic, prioritized by prestige.
You can also use LinkedIn for this in the interim if you don’t have time or desire to build out a whole site or landing page. Just go to your profile and choose “Media” and you can add links/images/descriptions either in your overall “About” section or per job. Note that the elements show up in the order you upload them, and it’s difficult to re-order them, so map out how you want it to appear and then upload in reverse order so the most important ones show up first.
Legally Brunette
My Zella leggings purchased several years ago at Nordstrom are still going strong. I love my moto ones. Wait for a sale.
Anonymous
My Zella leggings from several years ago are also still going strong, but when I recently tried on some new ones I was dismayed at how the quality had declined. The fabric is now thin and the cut is not nearly so flattering.
Anon
Completely agree. The new ones I got feel like they will fall apart if I do anything intense with them.
Anonymous
Zellas always roll down on me
Anon
I rented a house for my friend’s bachelorette party on Airbnb. I had to pay for a lot of it up front, so I asked all the other women attending to send me their portions of the house. I emailed them on Monday, and one of them responded and sent her money right away. The other 7 haven’t responded at all. I’m not broke, but I’m not exactly rolling in the $$$ either. How long should I wait to follow up? I don’t want to nag, but I want the money…
Anonymous
When is the deadline to cancel the Airbnb? I’d work with that, set a deadline, send a reminder next week for a deadline that if you don’t hear back, you’ll have to cancel. Let your bride know before you send the reminder.
Alice
+1
Anon
Oh my. Did you talk to the others about renting a house before you did so? Silence may be a sign that they weren’t interested in this plan. I’d definitely send a follow-up email next Monday. (Also, payday is Wednesday for many people, if that could be a factor for these ladies.)
OP
Yep, everyone knew that we were renting a house and that I would be asking for payment after the holidays. This was a surprise to nobody.
Anon
Knowing my friends (and most of these are likely not your friends, right?), you wont get repaid until the week of the party, when they arrive, and at least one will never pay you…..
I think it is too soon to bug again. Give them at least one weekend more or 10-14 days, then re-send.
Anon
Wow you have crappy friends. It’s one thing if OP sprung the costs on them, but if they agreed to it, they should pay her back promptly.
rosie
Did the trip already happen? If not, people may assume that you’ll figure out all expenses afterwards, so you may need to be more explicit if not already (not saying it’s appropriate for them to assume this).
I also think it’s possible that everyone is busy and may have flagged your email to deal with as they have time, which realistically may not be until the weekend. So I’d probably give it until Sunday afternoon and then send a reminder saying “Thanks to those who have sent me contributions already. As a reminder, the total is $xx/person and my venmo is Y. If you prefer to mail a check, please let me know so I can be on the lookout for it.”
Anon
How are you expecting them to pay? If venmo, I would just send them a venom request as I find that those work really easily and most people pay right away. Otherwise, I would send them a follow-up email this weekend. Lots of people were crazy busy catching up at work this week after the holidays, and I suspect they just forgot.
Anon
Seconding this. I literally do not understand people who say they never get paid for this stuff – send the venmo request immediately, and bug them until they respond with the money (once it’s been a reasonable amount of time). Venmo makes this so much easier.
The original Scarlett
This
Anonymous
Yes
Worry About Yourself
I’d send one more reminder email to the group this weekend, and stress that you’re expecting payment ASAP. Some people may be under the impression they can pay you any time between now and the month after the party, so some polite clarity may get a few more people to pay. Emphasize that you’re accepting Paypal and Venmo, and people should tell you if they’re planning to hand you money next time they see you, or mail you a check, so you know when to expect their share. Then, if some people still haven’t paid up by next weekend, start messaging people individually.
“Hey Joanie, I’m so looking forward to seeing you at the bachelorette party! But I’ve noticed you haven’t responded to my email about payment, as you know each person’s share is $X, and I need everyone to pay by [date], can you send me your share by then?” Be prepared for at least one person telling you they can’t because of some major expense or money issue, and by that I mean, decide now how you’re gonna respond to that.
Anne
I cannot imagine paying for a bachelorette by check and I’m Gen X.
Anon
And I’m a millennial who doesn’t do Venmo or Paypal so I prefer checks. You just never know – give people a few options. You’ll get your money faster if I can drop a check than if I have to download Venmo.
Anonymous
This happened to me in the fall. My sister was the bride; I don’t know her friends well. I had to send multiple reminders up until the week of the party. Even so, three people out of twelve never paid me and canceled last minute, despite agreeing to the cost and rsvping yes before I booked the house. I never saw any money from them.
Anon
Very honestly, I would never count on the idea that people I don’t know well, and may never see again after the wedding (who therefore have no reason to worry about offending me) would pay me back. We did a friend-group trip a few years back and we sent the money to the person making the reservation on the VRBO before she made it, which is I think the only safe way to do things like this. Since the horse is already out of the barn this time, so to speak, I agree with the above advice about reminders, sending Venmo or Paypal payment requests, etc. In the future I would send the requests before you make the reservation and don’t put more of your own money into it than you need to. I would be tempted to tell people “the deadline for getting me the money is X and if I don’t have it by then I won’t reserve” and follow through with that, and if people don’t send the money, plans have to change. You could also say you’ve reserved the place without actually doing it, send out the payment requests with a deadline, and then see who doesn’t pay. If the bride thinks 12 of her friends want to come but actually only 6 want to commit by paying, well, plans need to be adjusted. Don’t put yourself in a position where you have to eat costs for someone else’s celebration, unless you just want to be generous (and can plan for that). IMO the destination bachelorette/wedding shower stuff is way out of control. I think people say they’re interested (or they’re going) and then have other financial priorities – because no wedding is as important to other people as it is to the people getting married – and bail. It’s understandable to me, and the main thing is to make sure you don’t get socked with an unexpected four-figure expense as a result.
Anon
+1 sounds like too late for this situation, but this is how I roll when I plan girls trips. Somebody always backs out at the last minute in my group. I try to do completely cancellable hotel rooms so even if it’s a smaller group than originally planned, we can still do the trip and I can cancel any extra rooms pretty last minute.
Anon
Send a Venmo request!
Anonymous
Is there a default dress code for weddings? I’m going to a wedding this weekend and I just realized there is no dress code listed on the invitation or website. The venue does tons of weddings and other nice events. I’ve been to several parties there and I’ve always worn c*cktail attire. Should I just roll with it? I’m friends with bride and MOH but I’d rather not bug them this close to the wedding unless absolutely necessary.
Anon
I think c*cktail attire is the default, but I don’t have super fancy friends and I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where the majority of guests were in tuxes and gowns.
Anon
Honestly, a text to the MOH is really not “bugging them”. I’ve had a wedding and been in plenty of weddings. If they can’t answer one quick text about dress code two days beforehand, especially the MOH who won’t be nearly as preoccupied as the bride, then something is very wrong.
If they don’t get back to you, default to cocktail attire.
rosie
Look at the venue and the time of day for guidance, just like people did before couples started making up dress codes like “beach club black tie” and “barn formal.” But really, I think what you’re thinking make sense — default to non-white/ivory c*cktail attire.
Anonymous
Yeah is it an evening event some place nice? Wear a cocktail dress.
Walnut
Barn formal is so humorous. Coming from a rural area with working barns, does that mean my clean boots and a freshly laundered flannel? Just how clean? Sprayed off with the power washer or scraped the mud off on the edge of a concrete pad?
OC Queen
Just wear a dress. Or even dressy pants and a blouse. This isn’t difficult. The time of day and venue should tell you all you need to know.
Anon
Do people avoid drs. offices in Dec/Jan – the height of cold/flu season? This topic just came up and I was surprised that 1/2 my team was like – OMG yes I’d never go into a drs. office right now. Reminded me that I have a physical coming up at the end of Jan — wasn’t thinking about this when I made the appointment 3 mos ago (and it’d push out it another 3-4 mos to reschedule it because they’re always so booked). I haven’t had a physical in 4-5 years and need to go in and part of me is like — how many people are really going to GW or similar university practices when they feel unwell — it takes weeks/months to get an appointment, aren’t they more likely to go to an urgent care type place?? But then I do recall being around parents who say their kids pick up germs when they go in for well visits, they try to only go to practices with separate waiting rooms etc. Is this a thing for adults that I’ve just missed all along?? Would you reschedule? Or is this a germophobic kind of worry?
Anon
No, I would not cancel my appointment and this is a germophobic kind of worry. You should be having physicals more often though!
I tend to avoid doctor’s offices in Dec/Jan just because they tend to be busy so doctors are overbooked and rushed. It is because everyone is trying to get in before the end of the year because of insurance issues and/or trying to get in at the beginning of the year because of illnesses picked up over the holidays/seeing family/vacations/flu season in full swing.
I have an immunocompromised person in my family, so I always try to up my hygiene this time of year (clean my hands with sanitizer always before eating, wash with water when come in the from the outside, hand sanitizer at my desk and at my front door of my apartment when I get home) and am always “careful” in doctors offices. I have my flu shot early in the season. When at the doctor’s office, I do not eat in the waiting area and keep my purse on my lap. Avoid putting your bag on a chair/floor there or clean it with a sterilizing wipe when you get home. And clean your hands with sanitizer when you leave the clinic. The sanitizer things are everywhere in the doctor’s office. So easy to do.
BabyAssociate
I wouldn’t reschedule unless you have a compromised immune system.
Anonymous
I am not a doctor but would think you’re more likely to pick up germs on the metro on the way to GW than in the waiting room.
Anonymous
I am certain that I once caught a stomach bug while visiting the doctor for an ear infection. I avoid the doctor’s office from November through May if at all possible.
mascot
I don’t worry about this as an adult. I don’t think the pediatric office is completely analogous- keeping a well baby with an immature immune system and an incomplete vaccination history away from a contagious kid is different IME from a waiting room of adults with more robust immune systems/vaccination histories. I may feel differently if I had a suppressed immune system.
rosie
If you haven’t had a physical in 4-5 years, just go — the overall risk to you of putting it off for an indefinite time period is probably greater than that of being in the waiting room with a person who is sick. Wash your hands a lot.
Many offices do have same-day or sick appointments, though — my PCP certainly does. This does enter into the calculation for me in deciding when to go in for a sick visit myself or for my child, but I am definitely going for my regular checkups as needed and going for sick visits if it seems warranted (although I might try to make do with a nurse advice line first). And if I am sick myself when going for any kind of visit, I will wear a mask in the waiting room.
Anon
Is a physical really that important for women? At my annual OB visit, I get weighed and get my blood pressure and cholesterol and all that checked (in addition to all the reproductive system stuff). I haven’t had “a physical” in over 15 years, but I’m not sure what they’d do at a physical that I don’t get done at the OB.
Anon
OP here — this is the stuff I need. If you’re getting all that with regular OB care that’s fine too.
rosie
I assumed OP meant she wasn’t getting regular medical well visits (and I think it varies whether an annual GYN exam will do this other stuff). I see my OB when I’m pregnant. My PCP is an internist who handles GYN stuff on the recommended basis for my age & medical history and then does whatever other testing she thinks I need. And then I see her if something comes up as needed.
Anon
I’ve never heard that or thought about it before. For myself, I might avoid a hospital based office, just because there are significantly more people in general and that increases the chances that you will interact with a sick person. But my GP is not in a hospital and I rarely see other people in the waiting room, so I’m not going to worry about it.
Also, little kids put their hands in the mouth after touching anything. Just wash you hands right after your appointment.
Lily
Just wash your hands, don’t touch your face, etc etc while you’re there and you’ll be fine. Don’t stand near anyone in the waiting area. People are cray.
Anonymous
Go just avoid touching stuff and don’t touch your face. You’ll be fine. Kids pick up germs at the doctors office because they touch everything and then like lick their hand.
Anon
Not for me, but I’m definitely more cautious about taking my kid in for minor illnesses during cold/flu season. At our ped, well visits have to be in your birthday month, at least until a certain age, and I have a January baby so we have no choice but to do her well visit then. But minor things – like for example she had eczema on her arm recently – I’d be more inclined to just take her in for an office visit in the summer but in the winter I just email the doctor and say “she has eczema, what can we put on it?”
Anon
It’s different with little kids. Their offices have communal toys (fewer than when we were kids but they still do have them). As much as you can try to bring your own toys, tell your kid no, etc., if there ends up being a 30 min wait it is hard to keep a kid away from TOYS that are different from their own — so now they are playing with things others coughed on. Plus very little kids have no problem putting their face/mouth directly on a chair or even the exam table. It’s different for adults.
Plus I think you’re right that a LOT (not all) of adult primary care esp at the university based practices is management of issues like high blood pressure, cholesterol, back problems etc. Adults don’t go in every time their throat hurts and these days if they do, it is often to the minute clinic type places — no one is going to wait 3 weeks to see a highly qualified academic physician for a cough but they WILL wait that long to get the proper management of their cholesterol or whatever.
Anon
Only put it off if you are CERTAIN that you won’t reschedule it again in say April because now you have a business trip that wasn’t on the calendar earlier or whatever. It’s good that you’re even thinking about getting the physical you need — don’t put it off just because people are putting their crazy doubts in your head. Like others have said — don’t touch your face, use hand sanitizer etc. And if you REALLY want to go one step beyond that — go home right after if you can, throw those clothes in the wash, and take a shower — and even that is an overkill but if it’ll make you feel better, know that those things are options.
Vicky Austin
Any good facility will provide a mask, especially during flu season. Grab one if you’re worried.
Worry About Yourself
Honestly, I avoid non-essential appointments around this time of year because my weight is higher, and I’m trying to avoid the finger wag for my BMI being in the “overweight” range. My weight’s been teetering on that threshhold for years, and right now I’m a few pounds overweight, but I’m optimistic I can shed those pounds by late February and be safely down in the “healthy” range for my next physical.
Senior Attorney
Something I learned this week: If you are invited to a party and ask “what can I bring?” most times the answer will be not. That has been my experience, both as host and guest. However, last weekend I was having a dinner party and someone said “May I bring a homemade cheesecake?” and I happily said “yes.” Just now I was invited to a Super Bowl party and instead of my usual “What can I bring?” I asked “may I bring my famous artichoke dip?” and the hostess happily accepted.
So. There you have it. Based on my sample size of two, if you offer to bring a specific item to a party, your offer is likely to be accepted. If you ask “what can I bring?” the answer is likely to be “nothing.”
What have you learned this week?
Anonymous
I think this extends too to offers of help– e.g. for a new mom or someone with a recent medical issue. Don’t ask “what can I do to help?”; say, “I’m swinging by Target and then will be in your neighborhood, what can I pick up for you?” or “I would love to bring you dinner Saturday. Would lasagna or quiche be better for you?”
Anonymous
But isn’t this because they don’t want to sound like they don’t like your food? I don’t necessarily want someone to bring a cheesecake as I may have something else planned for dessert but if they call and specifically ask about it and sound excited, I’m probably going to say yes.
Anon
Totally true. Part of it is the host not wanting to inconvenience guests by bringing something, part of it is that if the part is a few weeks away — the host doesn’t yet know what he/she will need, so they aren’t able to say — please make x dip or whatever. I think if you suggest something specifically, it is much more likely to be accepted.
Anonymous
Similarly though, if you suggest something and they decline your offer, don’t bring it.
Worry About Yourself
Right, I’d almost rather people wait until the party is a couple hours away and then ask if I need anything, because there’s a 50/50 chance there’s some last minute thing I either thought of just now, or forgot to get, or ran out of time to include, and I’d probably be like “yes, actually! can you pick up ___?”
anon
We have friends who do this, and it’s much appreciated. We often need ice for drinks, or something like a lemon or an herb or some other random ingredient.
Anon
I do this. I assume that if I’ve been invited to a party, I’m not expected to bring something unless the host indicates it’s potluck (although I always have a hostess gift of some sort in hand). But if the host is a friend, I text a few hours beforehand and offer to grab anything she needs on my way over.
Anonymous
I learned why the algorithm for matrix multiplication is so weird. I was so proud of myself for understanding. Then I forgot why and now I am trying to figure it out again.
anon
ugh! matrix multiplication is so weird! Good for you figuring it out once!
Anon
I suspect you are right. But, even though I say yes when someone asks if they can bring a specific thing, it still pisses me off as the host. It means I have to accommodate that item in the menu, half the time they bring some thing that is going to have to go on the stove or in the oven (seriously, people, why), and it’s just unnecessary. If I wanted to host a pot luck, I would and have. If I am having a dinner party, then I’ve already decided I’m fine cooking for everyone.
Having said that, I would never ever say any of this to my guests.
Anonymous
Agree. I will tell you if I’m having a potluck. If I’m having a dinner party, I don’t want you bringing stuff but I won’t be rude and say ‘please don’t bring your famous whatever dish.’ Insisting on bringing something is like saying that you don’t think your host’s food will be any good so you better bring something so there’s at least one decent thing to eat.
Senior Attorney
That’s not rude. That’s direct communication. It’s rude to let them bring it and then stew about it and ascribe bad motives to the bringer.
Anon
Or…hear me out. Instead of stewing in silent anger, be a grown up and say “no I’ve got everything covered, thanks for offering, though”. Why would you do this to yourself – and it’s your fault if you’re angry at a guest bringing something not theirs because you could have said no.
AnonInfinity
+1 — I’ve actually said no before when people offered to bring specific things because I’d already planned the menu and was excited about that course, or whatever other reason. I’ve also said yes if the thing sounds like it’ll be tasty with the rest of the food.
I know people offer because they are being polite and often times really want to bring something! I head this off at the beginning when I extend the invite by saying something like, “Please come for dinner on X at Y time! I’ve got the food covered and have some sparkling water and plenty of red wine, but if you want anything more specific to drink, please bring it!” I’d say half show up with a beverage and half don’t.
Anon
+1. I’m so confused by that – people offer out of kindness, but unless they’re looking for a reason to be upset (in which case they’ll find another one), you can just let them know you don’t need anything and if they really feel compeleld they can just bring wine or flowers.
Worry About Yourself
Right, they asked if it was okay, you had a chance to say “no.” Etiquette doesn’t always mean saying yes just to keep the peace and avoid hurting someone’s feelings, sometimes etiquette means politely turning down an offer or request.
If I offered to bring something to a party (and I don’t offer to contribute to dinner parties, as a general rule) and the host said yes, but then I found out they were annoyed with me for even asking, and actually didn’t want me to bring that, I’d feel mortified! At the same time, it would feel awfully unfair, because I asked, they could have said no, and now they’re acting like I’m bad guy. Maybe this is an example of “ask versus guess” culture?
Anonymous
But OP’s whole post was about how to ask in a way that makes sure your offer gets accepted which shows that someone people really want to have their food accepted and are likely going to be offended if their offer is not accepted. Ask in a way that allows the host to graciously decline without having to turn down a specific item. Don’t try to figure out how to ask in a way that forces your host to accept to not offend you.
Worry About Yourself
I don’t think OP was showing us some lifehack that would ensure an acceptance on the host’s part by way of social coercion, rather that a host is more likely to agree to you bringing a specific dish you suggest than they are to suggest or delegate a dish if you keep the question open. No one is trying to “force” anything here.
Anon
But if worry about herself is right about the motatives, the way to do that is say “could I bring something? Maybe a cheesecake or a pecan pie or wine?” Instead if saying ‘could I please bring my cheesecake to your dinner party?
Anon
I have a relative who all but insists on bringing her “special” dessert to dinner parties. She makes 100% sure everyone knows how exotic and amazing it is, and is determined to upstage the hostess.
Then there was the time she insisted on making it at my house… and told me that it had to slowly cool in the oven for six hours and could not be disturbed. I was in my 20s and lacked the sense to throw it in the trash can and inform her that when I’m hosting almost 20 people that night, she does not get to take over my oven until an hour before my guests arrive.
Sorry, I hate “Can I bring my special X?” No, no you can’t. Host your own party if you want it.
anon
Hey, if you say yes even though you’re pissed off, that’s on you. Sometimes politeness (I don’t want to reject their kind offer) veers into ridiculous territory (I am now angry at them being polite). That means you’re doing it wrong.
Senior Attorney
Yes, exactly. If you offer to bring something I don’t want, I have no problem saying no.
Anon
This is Anon at 2:58. Pissed might have been an overstatement, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy or really welcome it. With a friend, I would happily say no. But I often invite people I’m just getting to know to dinner parties, and I don’t feel like I can say no because I don’t know how they will respond to that yet.
Anon
Also, when people ask what they can bring, I always reply with wine, beer, or another beverage based on what I know of their drinking preferences. That is what I want them to bring, since I hate picking out wines. But if they say “can I bring a cheesecake?,” I’m not going to reply with no but will you bring a wine.
Anon
I don’t know though, if someone says “Can I bring a cheesecake?” can the host really say anything but yes? This feels kind of ruder to me, because you are sort of forcing the host into serving your dish, whether it was in their plans or not. Of course at potlucks, etc., I think it’s fine, but it feels weird to me for a more formal party where the host is planning and serving a menu. I’ve heard that “What can I bring?” is better phrasing than “Can I bring anything?” and that makes sense to me. But personally I’d feel too pushy asking if I could bring a specific dish.
Anonymous
agreed, but for a super bowl party I think it’s totally appropriate to ask if you can bring a specific thing.
Anonymous
+ 1 million on the ‘what can I bring’ phrasing. If they actually want you to bring something they will respond positively. If they say no, accept the answer.
Anon
Yes, host will say “no thanks, I already have a dessert”, which is perfectly polite as it implies you’ve already put resources into a dessert so it’s even ruder for the guest to force you to waste ingredients. That’s my favorite phrasing at least.
Anon
But that doesn’t work when someone “asks” over 3 weeks away. The Super Bowl is in February. I doubt OP would have believed their host if they said that they had picked up the food for the party already
rosie
Yeah, agree. I think the most useful is “I’d be happy to bring a dessert, just let me know what works.” Not so specific that the host may feel that they have to say yes, but not so vague that’s it can be mistaken for social nicety versus actual offer.
emeralds
Disagree! Because as the host, I don’t necessarily know what you’re good at cooking, I don’t know what your budget is, I don’t know how much time you have to spend in the kitchen that day. And then someone’s going to be up on here posting “god this woman! I asked if I could bring a desert to this party just to be polite, and she told me the menu and acted like she expected me to make a thematic tres leches cake to go with her taco bar, RUDE.”
I like SA’s phrasing and will use it going forward. I have no problem saying no to people if they offer to bring food and I’ve got it covered, though. No approach is foolproof obviously, but at a certain point I feel like we just have to expect other adult humans to like, manage their own emotions.
Anonymous
You can just say ‘that would be great if you can bring dessert.’ No one is going to bring something they aren’t good at making and not everyone brings something they make themselves. I often grab something from my fav bakery
The original Scarlett
100% this. I love SA’s suggestion too – it’s a good reminder that specific offers of help can be, well, helpful
Anon
I throw a lot of dinner parties. Yes, you are correct. It’s too hard to guess what is the appropriate dish to request ($$, effort, skill, etc.) so I just say I don’t need anything.
I guess that there could be a possibility that whatever you suggest wouldn’t “fit” the menu, but I don’t take dinner party menus that seriously.
Vicky Austin
I learned about a ton of new features in our software that I did not know existed!
Worry About Yourself
Yep, that’s absolutely true about food and hosting! I can say from the host’s perspective, I know what I want to serve, and I want to have control over what exactly I serve and how it’s prepared, I worry if I delegate something it might fall through or they’ll bring some variation I wasn’t expecting. I also don’t want a bunch of guests bringing additional food because then the stuff I’m buying, assembling, and/or cooking might go to waste which would be frustrating, and I don’t want to get saddled with a ton of leftovers. I also don’t want people to feel obligated to bring snacks to my parties, they’re not potlucks! I just want your presence, I can feed you! But if there’s something someone really wants to bring, I’m open to it, and I appreciate them asking and giving me some veto power, which I rarely exercise.
I do the same, especially if it’s something I could potentially work hard on. If I’m gonna work my bum off on an elaborately decorated cake for Halloween, I wanna make sure it will be well received by the host, and I really wouldn’t mind hearing “you know, we’re already planning to serve ____ and if you bring _____ we might have too much _____, so please just bring your lovely self this time.”
That said, I’m primarily thinking about the kind of party where people come over after dinner and hang out, drink, and play party games. If I’m having a dinner party, I do want full control of the menu, I don’t want people adding dishes to an already crowded kitchen. I’ve been to dinner parties where, on the invite, they actually say “we have it covered, bring a drink to share if you’d like but please do not bring food” and that has never struck me as rude or off-putting, and I generally do something similar. “I’m cooking all the things! Yes, all of it! I like cooking and I want to take care of this meal for you guys. Please just bring yourself, and if you must bring something, wine or beer is fine.”
UHU
How to uninstall and reinstall some software to fix a bug.
UHU
When asked I reply, as I see fit, flowers, wine, or candle… I rarely ask just bring flowers, wine, or candle
Senior Attorney
In my circles, “just bring yourself” definitely means “just bring yourself AND WINE!”
UHU
Exactly! So no pressure all around :)
NOLA
I usually say no because I have things covered and everything planned, but one person in my crowd *always* wants to bring something on Christmas eve. I told her to bring raw veggies because I had both hummus and homemade onion dip, then she told me that she was going to bring them cooked (I declined), then it turned out that she put them out for the choir between services (when I was off picking up a friend). All I can say is that I’m glad that I had a feeling she was going to flake and bought some raw vegetables!
Houda
I finally learned how to shine shoes properly. I used to just brush on some wax and then buff.
Now, I use leather conditioner, shoe cream, shoe wax, and even a shoe tree
If that isn’t adulting…
OC Queen
I’ve learned that I absolutely love my agate coasters from Anthro.
I agree that it is hard to say no to someone who asks if they can bring their famous cheesecake, but it is also a lot easier to say YES to that!!! Bring on your famous cheesecake girlfriend!! please don’t say no to your friend who wants to bring their amazing dish. If you do want to say NO you might be a little too CONTROLLING. LOL.
blackberry
Purchased! Love these leggings but hadn’t seen the fleece lined variety yet.
OC Queen
Do they come in Petite sizes????
Abby
I just got a job offer!!! I have been miserable at my current job and started seriously searching in November. I have another final interview on Monday, and this company #1 is asking for a reply by end of day Tuesday.
Do I tell the company on Monday that I have to make a decision by Tuesday? They’re probably my first choice, and better for my career (jobs are in 2 different industries), but I will take this job offer if that falls through.
I AM SO EXCITED. The bosses on my team are currently all drinking beers in one guy’s office while the rest of us assistants are doing work. Quitting will a treat.
Anonymous
You tell them you need a week to consider it. Friday to Tuesday is unreasonable
Anonymous
Congrats!! I don’t think Fri to Tues is unreasonable, but I guess you could ask for more time to decide if you’re willing to risk showing a lack of enthusiasm.
Anon
I agree that Friday to Tuesday is unreasonable in almost all situations, but am also not sure that having another few days will help with Job 2 since we don’t know where in the process they are.
OP, do you have all the information about benefits? If not, I would call on Monday, ask for the info, and then ask if you can have more time to review that information before making a decision
Abby
I do…they were pretty thorough with all of the benefits. I do want to negotiate the salary and the pto, but wasn’t going to negotiate and then not accept the offer.
Anon
You can totally negotiate and not accept the offer. That is not that unusual, because often someone doesn’t know if they will accept until they have negotiated those items.
Anon
CONGRATS!!
Vicky Austin
Yahoo! (Also, your current team sounds like they are making extra effort to be obnoxious.)
OC Queen
Yay!! NEGOTIATE! take your time, don’t let them pressure you. YAY YOU!
Anonymous
For homeowners — how much extra do you pay towards principal each month? (We’ve got 25 years to go and are only paying an extra $80 a month at this point to round it up.)
Anonamoose
For about two years we paid an extra 15-30%, but then we decided to aggressively pay off smaller but higher-interest debt and now are paying the original 30-year amount. When that debt is gone, we’ll probably go back up to 30%+. BUT we have a 3.75% rate, so we always fully max out all tax-incentivized investment options (401k, Backdoor Roth, etc. but also 529).
Anon
I pay $100 extra per month, which will take about 7 years off the life of my loan (fixed 30 year). The conventional wisdom is not to pay extra if you can reasonably assume you’ll get a better return elsewhere. I understand the math of that, but emotionally, I’d love to pay mine off early. I landed on $100 after running various scenarios through calculators to determine how much I’d “lose” vs. investing an extra $x per month, and I thought the $100 level for me was a good trade off.
Also, I’m only doing this because all of my other savings goals are being met. For me, retirement, modest vacation, modest vehicle, and a few other things are more important than shaving time off my mortgage. In other words, the only two real things I wanted to do with the extra amount was either pay more on mortgage or invest in index funds.
Anon
I don’t. My mortgage is under 4% and i can make more than that in an investment account. In addition, I get tax benefits from the mortgage interest dedication (no enough on its own to keep the mortgage, but an added perk on top of the better return in the market.)
Anon
This is us too. We have no plans to pay off the house we’re currently living in – we’re here until our kids graduate from high school (or possibly college) in 6-10 years, and then we’re moving to another city we like better. Or at least downsizing to a smaller house, because as empty nesters, this will house will be more than we need. Between the mortgage interest deduction and how strong the market is – and also the fact that I’m still paying off a student loan with a higher interest rate and I’m prioritizing that – we overpay only about $50 a month, and that’s mainly just to make the payment a nice round number.
Anon
An extra $50 for the psychological benefit. My interest rate is only 3.75% so I don’t feel the need to be more aggressive than that.
OC Queen
We used to pay an extra $1k-$4k per month. Our house is now paid off. We had a 15 year loan in Orange County and paid it off in about 10 years.
Walnut
I round up to an even amount, so about $70. I don’t think we’ll be in this house for more than 5 years, so I’m dropping most of my extra into an investment account in hopes that I won’t need the equity from this house to buy the next one. That’ll give me more flexibility during the buy/sell process
MagicUnicorn
I pay an extra 30%, rounded to a clean number. It’s at 3.25% fixed and because we refinanced from a higher rate/30-year to a 15-year at the optimal time (12 years in on that 30-year mortgage) and interest rate environment, we kept the same monthly payment (and pay the same extra 30% each month) but will pay that 15-year refi-mortgage off in 11 years. Essentially, the extra payments and the refi mean we will pay our 30 year mortgage off in 23 years without negatively impacting our lifestyle.
MagicUnicorn
Should have included the fact that we will probably stay in this house for many years to come, barring any unexpected circumstances in the future.
DoesntBelongHere
Any brunettes who have dyed their hair red and can advise? I woke up this morning suddenly wanting to have my hair colored red. I’m a medium brunette with some faint blond highlights (natural) and I have never colored my hair before. I have very pale skin and cool-neutral undertones. Hair is otherwise healthy. Any advice regarding shade/tone, what to say to a stylist? Is this a terrible idea?
Worry About Yourself
Not a bad idea at all, red hair is rad! Just be super clear about what kind of red (bright, vidid red? dark, deep red? obvious red, or brown with a whisper of red that shows in the right light?) and bring pictures to give the colorist an idea, if needed. Consider going in before making an appointment just to see what kind of reds they have on hand.
Or, honestly, I really dig oVertone and they have a red specifically made for brunettes, I recommend ordering a kit if you’re at all open to doing it at home. But I’ve had my hair done in salons before and there’s never been any need for bleach.
Anon Probate Atty
My hair is reddish, because I dye it a golden color which happens to turn red on me. I have a good stylist who intuitively thought/knew that this would happen based on experience. You might ask, especially if you have an older stylist who knows his or her way around different color tones. In my experience, whenever I’ve tried to actually die my hair red, it doesn’t last more than a couple of weeks. Red is infamous for feeding very very quickly
jenhen
I went red a few years back…here’s what I found. The upkeep is about every 3 weeks. After 3 weeks it starts looking pretty leeched out and needs some injection of red….that doesn’t even include the roots. The wardrobe you have will likely need to be tweaked a bit as red is a color not a neutral and looks pretty bad with purples, pinks and some reds.
For me, the decision to go red categorized as a mid-life thing.I enjoyed it for a couple years and in the last year I grew out my hair and now it is it’s natural color, which I hadn’t seen in at least 25 years. Go for it! You only live once.
The original Scarlett
Seconding this. I had bright red hair for about a year (Marcia Cross desperate housewives red), but am a natural blonde. I found the upkeep insane, and also since my roots were light, it looked like I was covering grey hair instead of changing blonde hair. In addition to wardrobe changes, you also may end up changing your makeup too.
The original Scarlett
PS – I loved it look wise, and but for the upkeep/roots issue I’d have kept it forever
Anon
I found that the red “stuck” better after about two years of dyeing it.
anon
In case you’re still checking for comments – as a mousy-haired person who’s been trying to cover ten years of red on shoulder-length hair for a year and a half now, I probably wouldn’t do it on a whim! If you definitely want to go full red I’d suggest finding a really good colourist and get their opinion on shades, especially if you still want it to look quite natural, because red can be difficult to get right. Red fades fast and it will need a lot of upkeep, every 10-12 weeks minimum (more often if your look is super polished) and then you’ll also need a lot of conditioning because you’re dyeing it so often. I would not recommend box colour for red: it was 18 months of box colour, after a more successful 8 or so years of salon, that finally made my red untenable. By that I mean every time I coloured my hair it would revert back to the same unpleasant orangey shade within a week and my hair was incredibly dry and horrible. So once you’re properly red it is a big commitment. Maybe start with a red-brown semi-permanent colour to see how you like it?
CountC
I’m a natural brunette who has been coloring mine red for almost 25 years. I have been using a box for 75% of that. Even now, I box my own roots and base color and my stylist does the bayalage. That said . . .
How well the red sticks dépends on your hair, honestly. My hair takes it really well, it doesn’t fade quickly, and I can go at least 6 weeks before touching up my roots. I second the suggestion of finding pictures of the color/shade that you like. I’ve been with my current stylist for over 10 years and I still do this when I want to change the shade, style, or lifting (which I do frequently). I highly recommend using high quality shampoo and conditioner and washing as infrequently as you can get away with (helps prevent fading IME).
I LOVE LOVE LOVE red. Every once in a while I change it up and go back to being a brunettes (albeit not my natural color) and I always end up back at red.
CC
This is super late, but I am a brunette who has died her hair red in different ways for years. I used a lot of boxed dyes in my day and didn’t find the upkeep that insane, but it is mostly because I also liked the faded “coppery” color and could go on with that for a couple of months. However, it did take a toll on my hair that got a bit coarse and knotty (the water where I live does NOT help) so I started using henna, and it’s been great! Just natural henna with some oil and lemon juice, sometimes a bit of turmeric… I find that once the color settles, it really doesn’t fade much at all, it is a great hair mask, it is cheap and it satisfies my desire to have red hair!
FFS
Weird question – does anyone have a daughter in Girl Scouts whose troop is selling the chocolate covered s’mores? Everyone I know is selling the sandwich style s’mores and I want to try the chocolate covered. I admit I have a s’mores problem.
Anon
There are two variations of every cookie and which one you get varies by location. You can look up a map and figure out where the cookies you want are for sale and then contact people you know in those places.
FFS
Yes, I already looked it up but I don’t know anyone in those areas.
nutella
Gosh with all the news of what seems to be the longest first week of the year… this is such delightful question to read and such a delightful answer. :) Happy weekend and I hope you get your cookies!
Anon Probate Atty
I had to fire my legal assistant today. She is very nice and a hard worker, but her work was just not up to the standards required by the job. Somehow, even though I have counseled her on this about 3 months ago, and have been correcting literally every letter/document she drafts due to errors and inaccuracies, she didn’t see it coming. I just feel bad. Would love to go home and have a glass of wine, but I’m doing Dry January, so that’s not going to happen. Sigh.
OC Queen
Have that glass of wine!
I had to fire someone who was completely incompetent. He was on a 30 day PIP and I had been very honest with him from day 1 and he was still shocked to be let go. Sometimes people are just in the wrong role.
Walnut
PIP = Paid Interview Prep
Anon
Look at it this way, if it helps: yes, it’s a blow to her. But she was failing and now she can seek an opportunity where she will be successful. It’s terribly stressful to be in a situation where you are failing and can’t seem to turn it around. She may not have been there right now but she would have gotten there, sooner or later. A better job she will succeed at is out there for her, somewhere. I know it’s hard and it sucks to be the person lowering the boom. Hope you have a relaxing weekend.
Anonymous
very tough. In the future, its not recommended to fire on a friday.
LaurenB
Why not? I never heard this.
NOLA
It’s called the Friday dump.
Anonymous
Doctors offices,non profits, unemployment, a lot of devices are closed. Employees at risk of a mental health issue are much worse off
The Original ...
Wondering what you have gotten from and given to this hive of ours…
I have gotten:
Lots of good advice, guidance, feedback, and support
recommendation for my often worn modal pj pants from Target
recommendation for my often used face cream from The Ordinary
Guidance on what stores to try and what to avoid for my body shape
Specific support during the loss of a job and, much more importantly, during the loss of two pets (I’ve been in this group since almost its inception)
I have given:
I think I was the first to point people toward the five dollar cookie cards (I just love to send them for no reason at all and for all of the reasons!)
Recommendations for spots to eat in or check out during people’s visits to places I frequent
I hope I have given some helpful insights and advice!
Permission when people ask for it for them to celebrate themselves, eat something tasty, or take a self-care break
Your turn!
Anon
You should re-ask this question on Monday when it’s busier! I’ve gotten lots of random advice on things like which Roomba to buy and how to deal with sticky work situations. I’ve given advice that I hope has been helpful and I’ve also started several political discussions that I think have made people think/generated a lot of responses.
The original Scarlett
Not from here, I don’t think, but along the lines of the cookie thing, I like to send random $5 venmos to friends for a coffee or something when they need a pick me up
Anon
I have sent those cookie cards and I learned about them here! People always seem to be delighted by them. Thanks!
Handmade subway tile
Handmade subway tile: yay or nay?
Just worried that in a backsplash it will look very 2019.
Senior Attorney
I didn’t even know that was a thing, but it seems sort of oxymoronic to me. I mean, subway tile by its very nature is inexpensive and mass produced. I think it’s a classic for a reason and I feel like handmade subway tile is too precious by half.
OC Queen
that just seems weird. Is this a new trend? subway tile is by definition uniform and standard. Handmade should be something amazing and artistic. Do you have a photo?
Wrinkle free business formal
Does anyone have recommendations for business formal (appropriate for federal court) outfits that I can either wear on the plane or pack and not arrive wrinkled? For some reason the combination of sitting a long time and a seatbelt always seems to leave me a mess. Prefer a dress with a slight a-line and matching/coordinating jacket. (Sheath dresses are not my friend.)
Suggestions would be much appreciated!
Anonymous
How about changing on the plane–I saw an off-duty steward do it once, seemed easy peasy.
Anon
+1
Miss
I have a Calvin Klein suit I bought years ago and had tailored that doesn’t wrinkle. It’s kind of a crepe blend. I have a dress, pants, and jacket. The pants are starting to look a little worn (I think the dry cleaners screwed up at one point so they’re oddly shiny on one thigh), but the other pieces are still going strong. It’s all very business formal. So basically, synthetics are really your friend in this situation. I often take that suit when I’m doing oral argument because I don’t have to worry about how well it traveled. It’s black, which can be good for travel too.
kk
The Annie dress from MM Lafleur is great for this – although I’m not sure if it has a matching jacket.
Anon in leggings
Hi all — I’m looking for recommendations for leggings to wear under casual day dresses. Think generally for weekend wear, maybe casual Fridays (my workplace is already casual so a good leggings/dress combo won’t raise any eyebrows). I’ve worn Yummie leggings from Nordstrom for a few years, but I’m looking for something a little less bulky. High-waisted with some light control would be perfect. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Anonymous
I’ve been married for 12 years and haven’t figured this out: is there a polite way to use an alarm to try to get up significantly earlier for exercise if you’re someone who always (ALWAYS) hits the snooze button? My husband gets up pretty early naturally which makes it worse if my alarm disrupts him. Just go to the guest bedroom while I try to adjust myself?
Walnut
A vibrating alarm on a Fitbit might be a good option.
anon
The Garmin watches also have this feature.
anonchicago
He May just have to deal with it and learn to fall back asleep. I frequently have alarms go off between 4 and 5:30, either for an early flight or workout. The workout is easy, getting up is hard and I may snooze once (at which point hubby is pissed), then i grab clothes I laid out and get ready in hallway.
Airport is harder because I need to shower and get ready but I try to have everything laid out so I just go in the bathroom and shut the door till I need to leave. He usually falls back asleep before I go to kiss him when I leave.
Anon
Gently – I do not think it is ever considerate or polite to hit the snooze button if you share the bedroom with another human, unless they have confirmed they do not hear your alarm. Snoozing is for people who sleep alone / for nights you sleep alone for some reason / for when (if) the other person is a heavier or equally heavy sleeper.
I would suggest you either learn to get up at the first alar, or get a fitness watch type device with a vibrating alarm.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
+1
My parents almost divorced over my father’s use of the snooze alarm.
SoooAnon
Has anyone divorced a spouse with a toddler at home largely because of in-laws. My in – laws are just awful humans and we are indian, and therfore required to attempt to maintain a relationship despite awfulness (not just mainstream monster – in – law stuff, truly disgusting things) DH attempts to, but often fails at setting boundaries and eventually falls for the weeping act. Worse, when we are around them, he seems to lose the ability to think clearly and makes sub-optimal decisions that have led to some pretty bad behavioral issues in our kid.
It isn’t just about them though, I’m slowly starting to understand that this is nature AND nurture for DH and he is therefore unable to maintain good adult relationships that rewrite more effort that simply coasting( The ILs have spread horrid rumors about most of their extended family and DH would need to make more of an effort if he wants to have relationships with his cousins). We have friends together but a lot of effort there has been me. He can be very fun guest or an entertaining host but cannot be bothered to do anything more.
He is also unable to be empathetic and supportive, ever. So things are great as long as i need nothing emotionally.
Further, he tends to see himself as the innocent bystander at best, and victim at worst and therefore rarely understands that he can, and often does behave very selfishly.
He is a sweet guy.. Funny, warm and sensitive. He feels bad about his parents and sibling ‘s behavior but makes only comically poor efforts to set boundaries (telling someone with a known history for drama and at – will crying to not be a bully at a family dinner) and a good dad most of the time. I feel bad about thinking about divorce because our kid loves him and he is a nice guy who seems to genuinely care about me. Otoh, he is self – centered (even if without any malice) and everything about our life together feels harder than it should be. If we didn’t have a child together,
I’d feel differently, but i wonder if marriage is just hard and that is no reason to put a 4 year old through the stress of this all
Anon
I don’t have any great advice, but if you divorce him, you need to expect that he will have significant custody and that your child will spend at least as much or more time with your in-laws than he does currently (possibly even without your husband there, if he trusts them to babysit). My husband and I are generally happy and maybe I’d feel differently if we weren’t, but not wanting my toxic in-laws to have unfettered access to my kids is one big reason why I don’t think I would ever initiate a divorce.
Anon
Counseling. You need counseling here.
My side of the family is whacked. I am in counseling to work through it and figure out how to be a good wife and mother, draw boundaries in a rational manner with people who overstep but are not total sociopaths, and how to process the level of crazy gaslighting I grew up with.
I eventually figured out that I could have a good marriage or a relationship with my family (not a good relationship, but one in which my willingness to be a doormat is the price of admission), and I chose my marriage. Your husband’s situation isn’t as bad, but he probably still needs to understand that one is harming the other.
A.
I have not been in this situation, but I wanted to send you some empathy and love from an internet stranger.
It sounds like there are a host of things happening in your marriage, not only the in-law issue. I would go to counseling, and if he won’t come then go on your own.
I am not divorced, but my parents are. I would say that ensuring your own happiness, even if it means splitting from a “sweet guy,” is paramount. Maybe start with therapy and see what happens next. Good luck to you!
Anonymous
Can you bargain for conditions that will result in less time with his family? We do Thanksgiving with my family, vacation with either my family or as a couple, etc.? It helps me because I get breaks from his family, who are local, and doesn’t cause waves by trying to interfere with how he deals with his family. I have not found any way to change another family’s dynamics, just ways for us to cope with them.
Anonymous
My only advice is to check out the subreddit JUSTNOMIL if you haven’t already. There are related subreddits but this is the one I personally subscribe to because of my MIL issues. These may be your people. reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL
anon
you have my sympathy as this sounds very hard….to a degree your comment about marriage just being hard is true. There are trials to work through in any marriage and not sure how long you have been married, but it sounds like you are getting to know your husband and his family and learning what you can expect from all of them in family scenarios – that is reality and it does take time to learn these dynamics and measure the level of dysfunction, and then formulate your strategy to respond to these dynamics and/or reduce amount of time spent with them. Agree with the other posters that you should set parameters that will help you spend less time with family. Focus on your sweet 4 year old and the good side of your husband.
Anon
I think you and your husband need to set up boundaries you can both agree on and stick to them. I dated someone who was Pakistani and I know they are very different but the over arching theme of our relationship was always that his family will come first, never me. If your husband can’t stick to your boundaries then you’ll have to decide if it’s enough for you. Either way, I think therapy would be good for you.