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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Reader NP wrote in to sing the praises of this blouse, noting, “I bought this blouse a month ago and am obsessed with it. Washable silk! It's so modern but totally work appropriate. I wore it under a suit for an interview.” Nice! I like the high-low hem, the dolman sleeves, and the fact that it comes in eight colors. It's $49.95 at Uniqlo in sizes XS-L. Silk Half Sleeve T Blouse
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- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
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- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
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- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this blouse — is it cotton? I have decided to focus on makeing my wardrobe as much cotton and wool as possibel this winter b/c of the sweateing with the Fitbit. FOOEY b/c anything other then cotton / silk / wool absorbe’s odor’s and that is FOOEY like my freind in college from Germany who NEVER washed her turtelneck’s sweater’s! DOUBEL FOOEY! I want to be abel to attract a HUSBAND even if I do sweat with my Fitbit!
I have to run to court and do the case’s, starting at 11. The judge has been at the US Open acording to the manageing partner so I have something to talk about with him, but NOT on the bench, the manageing partner say’s. If we can get called into chamber’s then it’s OK. I think the manageing partner is mad at me b/c he found a typoe in my breif. I told him I was NOT perfect and he should have found it BEFORE I sent it in the other day, but he was NOT here and Mason screwed up. So FOOEY, the judge will not notice or care b/c I am weareing my white silk blouse, black skirt, black pump’s and RUBY RED lipstick. Even Frank say’s I look like a NOCKOUT! YAY!!!!!!
housecounsel
I saw the thumbnail of this blouse on Facebook and thought wow, that’s really frumpy.
Linda
Keep the managing partners brother out of your apartment or before you know it he will be showering and napping in your bedroom waiting for you to admire his masculinity. And I don’t put it past him to try and have intimate relations with you, even though you work for his brother. That would be gross in my book.
Fran
Spot on. You do not want him anywhere in your flat!
Shoulder Season
You read a new word on r3tt3 and next thing you know it’s in the Times! http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/us/colorado-town-prepares-to-become-beer-ad.html
anon for this
$500k is no chump change for a small town, but I would be livid too.
No one
“Shoulder season” has been around much longer than this website.
Uniqlo
So is their stuff really different from Zara/H&M/etc? I know it’s touted as such, but I’ve never had the opportunity to try on their clothing. It seems like they have all the basics.
LF
They have great quality. I have a tunic I bought in Asia from them in 2004 for about $20 that still looks almost brand-new.
ss
They are closer to Gap than Zara/ H&M in terms of selection (more basics, less fashion). The quality is something else entirely though – terrific fabrics, colours that stay put, buttons that stay put etc etc. Love ’em.
Anon
It’s kind of like the Gap. I don’t think the fabrics are amazing or anything, but it’s nice for the price. It’s nicer than H&M/Zara in that it’s not all cheap polyester fabric. You’re still going to find things like unlined jersey dresses that show your panty line, though.
Red Beagle
Has anyone tried their pencil skirts? I am on the hunt for a couple of basic ones to fill in gaps in my wardrobe.
Anonymous
Yes! I have the stretch cotton ones and love them. No ironing required.
Red Beagle
Great! A Uniqlo store is opening in Santa Monica (or maybe already has) but I saw somewhere it was a pop-up so I’d better get myself over there to try on pencil skirts and silk blouses!
Parfait
It’s been open in Santa Monica for weeks. And have I gotten there? No I have not. It’s supposed to be there “through the summer” so hurry!
Bonnie
I wish there was one in DC.
Nonny
Yes, their quality is fantastic. I have a casual blazer from about 6 years ago that I wear regularly on weekends and that is still going strong. One of the most exciting things about Nordie’s coming to Canada is that there is a rumour that Nordie’s is going to have a Uniqlo franchise here. If that is the case, it is like winning the jackpot twice.
anonsg
I echo everyone’s comments on quality.
I got one of their Heattech tops for free from their #feelthewarmth campaign and I love it. So glad they are opening all these new stores near me!!
Anon
Early threadjack, so sorry in advance! I need some advice from you more experienced ladies in the workplace. I just graduated law school and started as an attorney in-house. I was really pleased with my vacation allowance, since they give me more days than I anticipate needing. But I just found out that I can’t bank those days. If I don’t use them each year, I lose them. If you were my manager, would you expect me to not use that full allotment unless it was for a planned reason, like an actual vacation or a wedding or such? Will it be frowned upon for me to use the full amount my company gives me, either through long weekends or other activities? (This all assumes that I will be completing the work I am assigned to do in addition to taking the vacation time. Obviously, if I don’t have time to take a vacation day, I won’t.)
Anonymous
Huh? I doubt your manager cares why you aren’t there and I wouldn’t start the habit of apologizing for not wanting to work for free. I wouldn’t recommend just not working Fridays for a month because that gets annoying, but is a week vacation in summer, the time btwn Christmas and New Years, an extra day either side of thanksgiving, and a few long weekends that complicated to sort out? Toss in a couple random Tuesdays off appointments and things and you’ve got a perfectly reasonable way to use the time.
Anonymous
Use ’em. YOLO.
Gail the Goldfish
If they give you vacation time, take it. It shouldn’t matter if it’s a planned reason or not. Me sitting on my couch on a day off is as much of a vacation as going somewhere. Vacation time is included in your salary, essentially. If you don’t take it, you’re basically working for free for the days you don’t take.
CHJ
Yeah, nip that fear in the bud right now. Use all your vacation days. All of them. If you have some leftover when December rolls around, take them all — every last one — between Christmas and New Years. And plan ahead next year to take them in staggered amounts throughout the year.
tesyaa
Request December holiday time early, because a lot of people like to take off those days and some places don’t want everyone out at the same time. (Is law different?)
attornaut
>(Is law different?)
Probably depends on the specific area. In a GC office, if none of your matters need dealing with over the holidays, chances are most people can be gone because most of your business-side clients (and judges) are also on vacation. My office is skeleton only for most of December.
January
Law firms, however, are different — year-end in a transactional practice can be the busiest time of the year.
Meg Murry
Yes, the only way I would get annoyed is if you came to me at toward the end of the year and said “well, I didn’t take any of my vacation yet this year, so I guess I’ll be out for the last 3 weeks of December.” Find out what the policy is for the end of the year and whether you can get the time off as the newest person or whether you’ll be expected to cover for the more experienced people while they take the time off.
Also, if you just started, confirm whether your time is pro-rated – for instance, if you started in June and were offered 3 weeks a year you might only get 1.5 your first year since you were only there for 6 months. Then take some days – it doesn’t have to be a vacation. Visit family or friends, make a dentist appointment or just stay home and veg. The “only take time off for vacation or weddings” advice that you see on here generally applies just to BigLaw, not most other jobs out there.
Anon
Always always always always use your vacation. Get in the habit of having a life outside of work and do not apologize for it. You do not need your boss’ permission to live your life.
Muppet
I would totally expect you to use all of your vacation days. I’m an in-house attorney, and all of the attorneys here do, or at least get very close (perhaps saving a day or two for the holidays but then getting busy and not using it) — the point is, we intend to take it all each year. Our vacation days don’t roll over either.
Anon
+1. Also in-house, always use all my days, my coworkers do the same.
And I don’t ask if I can take vacation. I email my GC and assistants about 2-3 weeks prior to my planned vacation to let them know that I will be taking vacation days from X to Y, and then follow up with a reminder about 2 days before the trip. Obviously, you shouldn’t plan a trip in the middle of a known deal, but as long as you are professional and smart about it, it shouldn’t be an issue.
Em
This varies by office, so you should definitely find out the procedure in your own office. I’ve worked in a few places in house, and while I’ve never had to ask permission, but I like to confirm that my boss won’t be out as well or that I’m not missing anything important, usually at least a month in advance for longer (week+) trips. I try not to be out at the same time as my boss, since we normally act as each other’s backup.
Anonymous
Not in law, but my vacation days do not roll over, and all executives and upper management encourage all employes to use their vacation time (and we get very generous vacation time). Make sure you use them throughout the year. I try to save 5 days for sick leave (all of ours is lumped together) and if I haven’t used them by october/november I’ll take some 3-4 day weekends, or some half days for christmas shopping. Plenty of people at my company take days “just because” since we have so much vacation. It’s YOUR time, you don’t need a “reason” to take off.
Anonna
I once worked in an office where I got 2 weeks vacation and I felt that taking even four days was a big deal – no one ever said outright that I couldn’t but nobody took regular vacations and I sensed it was somewhat frowned upon for a newbie to take vacation time. That said, I would take all the vacation and not apologize for it. I agree with Anonymous at 9:46 who suggests you not set precedent for apologizing for taking the vacation to which you are entitled. Wish I had heard that advice when I was a baby lawyer! Also, I now have much more flexibility (in another job in another industry) and take lots of vacations and am so much happier and more productive for it.
Bonnie
Use your vacation time. It is sometimes easier to take off a day or two on either side of a weekend if you’re worried about missing too much time.
iMessage . . . Bubble Anxiety
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/08/31/fashion/texting-anxiety-caused-by-little-bubbles.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&abt=0002&abg=1&_r=1&referrer=
I saw this NYT article about how much anxiety is caused by (or fed by?) the iMessage ellipsis to indicate someone is typing, and therapists are telling their clients to turn off that feature. A lot of the article is about whether the message lives up to how long the person appeared to be typing, but just the anticipation of reply caught my attention. I know that this is an issue for me–sometimes I will stare at my phone and keep touching the screen to keep it from going to sleep, just to see if anything shows up (ugh!).
I’m posting this here partly because I wonder if this is an issue more commonly found in workers who are expected to be always “on” for responding to e-mails. I’m considering following the advice of shutting off the bubbles, because I think I need to retrain my brain to let communications come to me, check in every few hours, and go live my life in the meantime–but the junior lawyer in me laughs at the idea that I could do this with work email. So, I’m interested in thoughts of whether this is just something we have to accept with modern communication expectations at work, or if those of you in similar jobs have tips to not struggle with this anxiety.
Second, I’m interested what other things (in addition to things like shutting off the text ellipsis) people here do to manage impatience-related anxieties. Tips for stopping yourself from refreshing that personal e-mail inbox every 5 minutes? Checking to see if results are posted for some event you’ve participated in or exam you’ve taken? Etc.
Anonymous
Nah, I got over that anxiety in middle school on AIM. Work email pops up with a notification but I set personal email to only update when I go into it. There just isn’t any reason in my personal life to be over analyzing stuff like that, and I really do think it comes down to growing up, getting confidence, and working to get rid of insecurity. I don’t see it as being about technology at all. I’m sure people used to watch anxiously for the mailman to arrive too.
Anon
Ha, not for work but I can’t stop staring if it’s my SO on the other end. A friend of mine and I tested the feature and learned that the bubbles are there a long time when you’re not typing so that calmed me down.
jc
+1 to feeling the anxiety if it’s my SO. I have an android so the ellipses don’t appear for me, but I will do as the OP does and keep my phone screen from going to sleep and simply stare at the message. I’ve always hated that I felt that way and did those things so I’m glad to hear I’m not alone!
Wildkitten
Me too! And I’m not generally anxious about my SO outside of waiting for the bubble to become words or not.
Anon
For email (i have an iPhone):
Only my personal email downloads directly, but it doesn’t push. I have to open up the mail app to initiate the download. If anything is super urgent, people will call.
I don’t have my work email directly on my phone. I can check it through the web-based client, which I will do when I’m expecting something or if I’ve been offline for a significant period of time, but again, my chief “clients” (I’m in-house) know to call me or text me if there is something urgent.
espresso bean
I might be on the more extreme side of things, but here’s what I do:
*Disable the read receipt
*No email push notifications. I have to manually open the inbox to refresh and see new messages.
*Sound is always off on my phone. I don’t like to feel like I’m responding to stimuli all day. I want to manage my phone, not have it manage me.
*Sleep with the phone in another room (this is huge. I found that even if it was on the other side of my bedroom, I would want to instinctively pick it up and check email or Twitter/Instagram/etc. if I woke up in the middle of the night, and then I’d never fall back asleep)
KateMiddletown
all of ths, so much. on my iphone i adjusted the settings the little green bubble shows only my unread personal email, and I have to physically go in and refresh work ones.my iPhone is a personal device 1st and a work device 2nd. my kid plays on it and now knows the password.
@Kat, could you please do a full-on posting about this? I want to know everyone’s tips for managing work-life specific to their mobile devices.
Red Beagle
+1!
Emmabean
Anyone here have eyelash extensions? Got them for the first time last Saturday, and am super happy with the way they look, but am having a hard time justifying an hour long appointment every two-three weeks to get them filled. I haven’t worn makeup all week because of it, so it’s worth it, right? (Don’t mind me, just trying to get someone to rationalize for me…)
Anonymous
Not worth it for every day stuff! Buy a tube of mascara. That’s just a silly expense to take on.
Kathryn
I tend to agree with the person above me. I’m also wondering how getting eyelash extensions can replace *all* of your makeup, unless you wear no skin coverage/blush/lip treatment on a day-to-day basis– for me, there’s no way it would replace all of my makeup, and even if it did the cost would not be justified.
Not trying to call you out, just playing Devil’s Advocate. I’m sure they’re totally awesome and wish I could afford them.
Emmabean
Yeah, I guess I should have qualified that I am using the fact that I don’t need to do eye makeup as an excuse to not wear any makeup. But my makeup routine is (was?) minimal for skin anyways, I put sunscreen, under eye concealer and blush. So I’ve skipped the latter two this week. In the past, all my time was spent on eyeliner, mascara, etc.
I’m thinking I’m going to see how often I need to fill. If it’s once a month, fine. Every two weeks? Not for me.
packing advice
If you have the time to spare – you might as well do it! I have a good friend that goes in every 2 weeks for her lashes. Again, if you have the time and resources to get your lashes done, go for it!
Killer Kitten Heels
My general rule for beauty stuff that’s arguably “frivolous” is basically if I enjoy the result and can afford it (both time-wise and money-wise) without impacting other areas of my life, then I do it without guilt. If you have a free hour on a Saturday, and you want to spend it getting your eyelashes filled in, why not? I mean yes, theoretically, you could be using that hour to read War and Peace or bake a pie or something, but we don’t have to be productive 100% of the time. Sometimes, it’s okay to just do a thing you like that makes you feel good.
housecounsel
Thank you, Killer Kitten Heels. It’s nobody else’s business!
Anonymous
Except she literally posted and asked what people thought.
housecounsel
Point taken.
Two Cents
There was a guest post on this topic a while back, check the archives. Bottom line – looks great, very expensive habit
MNF
I do and I completely agree that they’re awesome. Usually it only takes half the time to get your lashes filled. I only get a completely new full set about twice a year.
To Kathryn – while the lashes don’t replace all of my makeup, they certainly replace the most time consuming aspects for me. I still use concealer, tinted moisturizer, blush and brow gel, but I’ve given up completely on daily eyeliner (which was my biggest time suck), eye shadow and mascara.
Also, really interested by the negative reaction of anonymous above – is it any sillier than getting your nails done, waxing, coloring your hair, etc.? If you have discretionary funds to use, then do what makes you happy.
Anonymous
You used eyeliner, concealer, eye shadow, mascara, and brow gel on a daily basis? This boggles my mind.
Sundae Funday
Oh heck yes I do too! I love makeup. You do you.
housecounsel
Can’t imagine leaving the house without most or all of those products on my face.
Orangerie
Why does it boggle your mind?
Anon
I can’t speak for the original Anonymous, but it boggles MY mind that different people do things differently. Completely shocking!!
:)
locomotive
I love my makeup (derive a weird pleasure from doing my eyebrows these days) and wear all of that plus primer, foundation, blush, highlighter, eyeshadow when I feel like it. My full routine takes me about 15 minutes post-shower. I also go to work with zero makeup except for tinted moisturizer when I am under a deadline. No need to deride other peoples habits- no one is making YOU do it.
West Coast Lawyer
Really? I don’t love makeup (i.e. I don’t spend a lot of time playing with new looks), but use a BB cream, under-eye concealer, eye liner, shadow and mascara every day. This takes me 5 minutes, tops. I don’t use brow gel, but I’m pretty sure its a swipe/swipe and you’re done application, so I guess that would add another 10-15 seconds to the routine.
Red Beagle
I do this same routine, minus the liner, shadow, and mascara except for really important or fancy gigs as pretty much all brands I have tried irritate my sensitive eyes and that is not an attractive look. Then I have to take out my contacts and I don’t see well in my glasses (even less so when the eyes are watery from irritation). Anyone have any recommendations for sensitive eye makeup, especially mascara?
anonsg
lol this would not take me 5 minutes. I am impressed. haha. Eyeliner takes me forever.
I just do BB cream, concealer, powder – done and out the door. Forget them eyes. haha.
Anonymous
I use all of these things on a daily basis. Plus blush.
Shana
If that boggles your mind, my daily makeup routine would horrify you. I have been wearing makeup for nearly 20 years though, its a routine and takes me like 10 minutes tops. I also look even more like an intern 15 years younger than I really am when I don’t wear it. Which is amusing when getting hit on by teenage bag boys at the grocery store, but less so in board meetings.
anon
Um, I do too – I don’t think this is abnormal.
Kathryn
Gotcha– I suppose I only wear mascara and brow tint so it wouldn’t save me as much time.
On a side note, I used to wear eyeliner and sometimes shadow, but mascara only on my upper lashes. I started putting mascara on upper and lower lashes and feel like it’s replaced my need to wear liner/shadow. This isn’t a suggestion for anyone, just sharing because I thought it was interesting and saves me some time.
SuziStockbroker
Latisse, FTW!
CountC
Or Rapid Lash for the cheapies among us. :)
AnonLawMom
I find latisse intriguing but the whole “it might change your eye color” thing freaks me out. Not because of the pigment change but because I just sort of don’t understand putting chemicals on my eyes that could have that kind of impact. What else might it do that we don’t know about?
Money Probs
I’m looking for a little advice on a money issue. This past month my SO got a new job where his salary doubled what he was making before, and doubled what I make. A lot of my friends know approximately how much he is earning because we work in the same field and everyone saw the job advertisement.
Problem 1: I am getting a lot of comments about how it “must be nice” we have so much money now, or hey, do you want to go on this trip, your SO can pay for it with all his money, and generally implying that I somehow have more money now that SO has more money. The thing is, we do our finances on a joint/separate plan, where we both contribute to bills and we both have separate money for ourselves (and paying our student loans). He did start contributing proportionately more to our joint funds, so my bills have gone down a little, but otherwise I am still buying clothes/entertainment/paying my student loans on my same salary, which is tight. I don’t want to sell out my SO by replying “actually SO doesn’t pay for my things”, because really why should he, but also I want to correct their misconceptions that I have somehow won the lottery and have all kinds of free cash.
Problem 2: Even though SO is paying his fair proportion of bills (he pays 2/3rds and I pay 1/3rd, in line with our earnings), he still ends up with more “fun money” and student loan paying money after bills are paid, and so his loans are being paid off faster than mine, and he has more money to go on trips and out for meals and for nice clothes. I am starting to feel poor in comparison. Is there any way to fix this without going full on joint money?
Anonymous
Need more info. What does SO mean for you? Boyfriend or husband?
Money Probs
We are married. I should also add that we are very open about talking about money issues and I have discussed all of these things with him. It is just a new dynamic for us because we have always earned basically the same amount. We’re not sure if our old way of doing things still works, but we are also not sure what other options we have.
Anonymous
I’d personally go with joint finances, a fun money allowance each that is equal, and an understanding that if he really wants an expensive toy he can have it , but in general you’re working as a team because you want to.
Nubia
Agreed. Joint finances make much more sense when you’re married, imo. Basically for me and my H, all our income goes into one pot, which pays for everything including fun joint activities (date nights, vacation, brunch with friends, etc). We both get “fun” money in the same amount to do what we please and it also comes from that pot. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be feasible to have a comfortable life together if something he wanted to do would put me in debt (he makes more and I have more student debt). It would be a constant, “no, I can’t afford that,” or “ok, I’ll do it, but now I’m in the hole situation.” Plus, I find that once everything gets blended the power dynamic of who makes more/owes more lessens.
CKB
Absolutely joint finances. I’ve posted before about how our family motto is “Team Lastname”. Goes with finances too. I’m the primary wage earner in our family, and dh’s primary role is primary caregiver. Our family would not function, period, if we split finances the same way you have. We have decided what fun money is appropriate for each of us, and the amount & method is different for me than it is for him because of differences in the way we spend and what we spend on. We paid off our student loans together, not out of ‘our’ earnings. Honestly, I think the way you have your finances structured could cause some serious problems down the road.
hoola hoopa
We’re also “Team Lastname.” At various times in our marriage, husband and I have earned significantly different amounts (we’ve switched back and forth as primary earner and as equal earners), and it works perfectly for us. I believe married couples where separate finances makes the most sense are the exception not the rule.
I agree with Anonymous’ suggestion for your situation.
Anon
There have been threads on this in the past. I stand firmly in the camp that “what’s yours is mine/mine is yours” when married. I make 2x what my husband does. Still, paychecks are deposited into one account, bills are paid out of one account, an we each get a monthly “allowance” for our own fun on the side stuff/shopping.
The current arrangement sets you up for inequity/what you’re describing.
RR
This exactly. I make more than 3 times what my husband makes. All money into joint account, bills paid out of that account, and we each get a monthly “allowance” for discussion-free spending. I probably do more “frivolous” spending because (1) I’m more frivolous, (2) my job requires more expensive clothing, and (3) I “require” more clothing/more frequent replacement of clothing. But, he generally evens it out by getting a new car more often (I drive them into the ground).
Anything other than joint pooling of money and equal (generally over time) fun budgets would feel, to me, insulting to him and discounting of everything he does to make our lives great (handles more kid-related tasks, the finances, etc.). I contribute more money, but he contributes more of everything else.
Sundae Funday
I think the answer to number one is “it’s not in our budget right now.” Therefore not selling out your SO but also it kind of recognizes that yes you COULD as your friends are aware but you just do not want to account for it in your budget. It never ceases to amaze me how nosy people are about money! People shouldn’t assume they know the whole story about other peoples financial situation.
Zaldi
No. Joint money all the way.
Diana Barry
This does not compute for me
“he has more money to go on trips and out for meals and for nice clothes.” Don’t you go on trips together? Don’t you go out for meals together? Is he nickel and diming you when you do go out or go on trips?
YMMV, but I think that since you are married, it should all be your collective money, none of this one person having more than the other to do X, Y, and Z. That makes it not a team effort, when everything should be done for the good of BOTH of you.
Anon
Yeah, I agree with Diana Barry. My SO and I are not married, and we also have a joint/separate plan (we split all household expenses – rent, utilities, groceries, etc) and are otherwise separate, but I work full-time and he’s in grad school and I earn significantly more than he does, so I pay for a lot of extras (meals out, plane tickets, etc) without question or complaint. It wouldn’t even occur to me that I could take extra trips b/c I have extra money. Sure, if I want to go on a girl’s weekend, I’ll go, but I’m not going to be all “oh, I’m going on vacation but you can’t go b/c you can’t afford it!”.
CHJ
I just posted downthread as well, but wanted to say here that I highly recommend getting a joint credit card that you use for all joint fun expenses, and then treat that credit card bill as just another joint expense that you both pay in proportion to your salaries. So in reality, you might only be paying 33% of the cost of your concert tickets or whatever, but it’s all just lumped together at the end of the month and you don’t have to be constantly accounting for each party’s share.
Zaldi
Yes, this.
Kathryn
I’ve been doing a lot of research on joint credit cards recently– we’re getting married next fall and I’m going back to school in January and will have zero income. While researching I have found SO MANY negative comments and perspectives on joint credit cards, and most of them stem from the assumption that a given couple will break up. There are also so many dissapointing comments about women being money-suckers/gold-diggers/uncontrollable spenders. So that was pretty upsetting and anger-inducing.
Anyways, I think that’s the direction we’re going to go (along with most other accounts being joint as well) but I just wanted to rant.
West Coast Lawyer
Kathryn’s comment reminds me of some advice my husband and I received from our tax planner when setting up our wills/guardianship plans for our kids in case anything ever happens to us. He said that it’s fine to put some general conditions/expectations regarding how you want the money spent, but if you feel the need to specify every last detail than you probably don’t trust the person you are appointing as guardian/trustee enough and that’s a bigger problem. I think the same applies for marriage. Sure, don’t depend 100% on another person for your financial security, emotional support, etc. But if you are putting so much effort into trying to protect yourself in the event that it fails you are setting yourself up for failure.
hoola hoopa
I’ve known a couple of people whose soon-to-be-ex-spouse plunged them into deep debt with joint credit cards just to spite them, such as Kathryn mentioned. But I do agree with West Coast Lawyer, and my husband and I have a joint credit card (we have joint finances generally).
So with that caution, I do think CHJ’s suggestion is a great one if OP doesn’t want to do joint finances for some reason.
InfoGeek
I think we’re roughly in your situation, but in reverse. I make about twice what my husband does.
We keep completely separate accounts. In general, I pay most of the bills. He pays for stuff for him (things for his hobbies, etc.), his car expenses, and most of the groceries.
In general, I’d treat all of the student loans as “family” joint bills and pay them out of whichever account will help get them paid down the quickest. It seems silly to take them out of the separate fun money.
CHJ
One small adjustment you could make — can you put both sets of student loans in the “joint bills” pile? Realistically, student loans are a major component of your family’s long term financial picture, so it would make sense to pay all the loans off with joint money. I fully support the “joint expenses, separate spending money” approach (that’s what we do in my family) but I think student loans fall into the first category more than the second category, which we use more for things like clothes and impulse purchases. And for what it’s worth, we also put travel in the “joint expenses” pile, because it is something we are doing together as a family.
As for your buttinsky friends, tell them you are building a money pit like Uncle Scrooge and will invite them over to go swimming soon.
Anon
My SO and I (also married) take a very “it’s all our money” approach and consider our debt as joint bills in our finance plan. I have student loans and he has medical bills and my student loans were significantly higher than his debt when we started (they are now about equal). We also get equal “fun money.” We do keep separate accounts, though. Perhaps it would be a good time to propose a new finance system?
Red Beagle
Same. We’re later in our careers and student loans aren’t an issue but when we got married 10 years ago his income was 2x or 3x mine and he paid all the household bills, we travelled and ate out mostly on “his” dime, and I contributed to the pot with what I could. I also had some CC debt that he paid off right away, no questions asked. More recently, he is semi-retired and my salary has been the larger income for the past few years, but we never mentally think “yours” or “mine” – it’s ours.
Linda
Marry him quick and your issues will go away. Don’t let some other woman snare him. This is a no brainer. A guy who makes the bucks and is good in the sack is a keeper!!!!
anon
Laughing because I assume you’re trolling us. Also, they’re already married.
attornaut
So I have a similar system (make ~ 2.5x my SO, proportionally pay bills), and the way we make it so that it’s not unfair is that a) paying off debt is considered a household/family expense, not a separate one, and b) I’ll buy dinner or tickets to events as a treat to both of us when we go out together.
Yes, I do still have more “fun” money if I want to buy new clothing or go out to lunch every day of the week, but he couldn’t afford to take the job he loves without me paying a large portion of the bills. It’s all tradeoffs and honestly it’s never been a point of contention.
Senior Attorney
Is there a reason you don’t want to go full on joint money? If you are living in a community property state and don’t have a prenup, legally it’s all joint money anyway so you might as well be able to enjoy it.
Seems like this is a good time for the two of you to sit down and talk about finances and money and your family and the future and how you want things to look going forward. Do you plan to have children? How will that affect the finances? These are all things that are best discussed before the fact and now is as good a time as any.
Off the top of my head, I might suggest some version of “joint money” with a post-nup that states that the joint money is only for the duration of the marriage and he has no obligation to support you according to the marital lifestyle in the event of a divorce. (If, you know, that’s acceptable to you.)
Wildkitten
In the United States there are nine community property states: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
This would honestly be hard for me. My husband makes over double what I do. What works for us is pooling all the money and paying for our bills and fun stuff out of the total.
Bonnie
Pay for trips and meals from the joint account. We have separate accounts and contribute to a joint account. We use the joint account for all bills, groceries, travel and whenever we go out together.
Patent pending
My system is everything is joint and we each get a personal allowance, but we are both paid biweekly and keep the two “extra” pay checks you get every year as extra personal fun money. We also keep 10% of bonuses individually and rest is joint. That way, I still enjoy/benefit individually from working at a higher paying job but it is limited and feels pretty fair. Granted I’m not getting a six figure bonus or anything, but we each get a special reward at bonus time etc. all trips etc are joint. We didn’t combine everything until after student loans were paid off though.
mer
Fall shoe styling question – it looks like open-toed wedges & booties are a big trend this fall. I’m just wondering how this works with tights — or does it? I always felt like wearing tights with open-toed shoes was decidedly unstylish. I’d really love any thoughts you ladies might have!
Red Beagle
Well, the short answer is that open-toed booties never made any sense and will probably pass sooner than later, so I’m not inclines to run out and buy a pair (though I do have a pair of peep-toe wedge Puma sneakers in my closet that were trendy for a minute and which I did not resist…) but if you have a pair, I say, wear ’em with tights all day long because if it’s cold enough for booties, it’s cold enough for tights.
Baconpancakes
Agreed. If it’s cold enough for booties, it’s too cold for bare toes. I can kind of sometimes justify shorts with a sweatshirt, since keeping your core warm keeps all of you warm, and you might want to put on something warmer after a day of short sleeves, but peep toe booties just seems silly to me.
If you’ve already got them, I’d say just try them out with tights and without, and see what you think.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
Yes. I do not understand this trend at all.
TO Lawyer
I HATE open-toe booties. I don’t know where you live but here, if it’s cold enough to wear boots or booties, it’s generally cold enough to need to cover your toes too. I just think they’re so impractical in most climates. however, if you live somewhere that’s warm all year around and you want a hint of fall in your wardrobe, I think they’re cute.
Baconpancakes
Oh, I hadn’t thought about infusing fall into warm-climate wardrobes. I guess if you live in Florida they make sense.
gingersnap
Exactly. I have a pair I treated myself to after passing my doctoral qualifying exams in South Carolina. They’re gorgeous but not terribly practical….
BB
+10000000!!!!
I DO NOT GET peep toe booties! Classy Cubicle keeps wearing them, and I think they are both hideous and weirdly confusing. I just keep seeing gross sweaty feet in the summer or serious frostbite in the winter.
PolyD
Yeah, I hate seeing a cute pair of booties, and then looking closer and finding out that they’ve snipped the toes off.
There are some peeptoe shoe styles that I don’t hate with tights. More autumn-looking colors, and little more chunky/substantial, and I don’t like a lot of contrast between shoe and tights.
I do work in a VERY casual office, and the only reason open-toe shoes + tights would get the side-eye is that some people would think you were being much too fashionable.
Lyssa
Somewhat depressing threadjack: I wonder if anyone might have some tips or stories about dealing with a family member suffering Alzheimer’s, and trying to help other family members dealing with it. My paternal grandfather, who’s in his early 80’s, has been going downhill for about the past 2 years. A few months ago, he and my grandmother sold the house they’d lived in for 50+ years and moved to assisted living, but it turned out that that wasn’t enough to care for him, so he moved last week to a “memory care” facility (which I’m told is essentially a nursing home), but that move was very hard and he became violent and has to be medicated to keep him calm. He’s otherwise in excellent health.
My grandparents have lived in a different part of the country since I was little, so I guess I’m not close to them on a day to day basis (i.e., I’ve never just called them up to say hi, and would feel awkward about doing so), and getting up there to visit is not really feasible right now (and I’m not sure that it would be ideal anyway – last time I was in the area, my parents decided against trying to take me and my husband and toddler to visit on the grounds that it would be too disruptive). My parents live around 3 hours away, and have been visiting frequently and helping with the moves. (My dad has 2 sisters in the area as well, who have been involved, too, though it seems like there’s been some disagreeableness about how to handle things between my dad and at least one of my aunts.)
Anyway, I guess I’m mostly looking for ways to try to support my dad in dealing with this – I think that moving him to a nursing home in particular was hard for my dad, like he was just sending him somewhere to die. Tips on things to say, ways that I can help from a different part of the country, anything like that? Anything that might help my grandmother as well, who is depressed about the whole thing? I’m at a loss here.
Anon
The only thing I can advise you on here is the violent behavior/change in personality that your grandfather is experiencing, and how to help your dad.
When my grandmother was near the end, she became incredibly angry, bitter, accusatory (unfounded), etc. It was incredibly hard on her daughter (my aunt) and, to a lesser extent, my dad. My mom did a phenomenal job of supporting my aunt and dad emotionally, which largely consisted of (1) listening, (2) helping when she could, and (3) reminding them of all the many, many good times that they had shared with their mother. One of my aunt’s biggest fears was that this recent anger/bitterness/etc. that her mother was exhibiting would be so fresh in my aunt’s mind that it would color her memories of her mother when her mother eventually passed. By telling stories, and sharing memories, of my grandmother’s happier/younger days, my mom really helped my aunt and dad focus on the good, and not the negative.
Just a thought.
Anonymous
Honestly, it just sucks. And will for a while. I’d dial up the phone calls to dad, get in the habit of sending cards to your grandparents, and that’s about all it seems you can do. It’s just an awful awful thing.
Lyssa
Cards are a good idea. Maybe I can get into the habit of sending a “thinking of you” card every few weeks with a picture of my son/family. Cute kids are usually good for a smile, I hope.
Wildkitten
When my grandpa was on the downward end of alzheimers he really liked pretty pictures of things – like birds, butterflies. Trying to remember who all of the family members were was really stressful/impossible but he still enjoyed the birds.
Anon
First, hugs to you and your family.
I went through a similar situation with my grandmother and supporting my mother during her decline and death. It wasn’t easy. In your situation (with visiting a difficulty), I would focus on supporting your father and your grandmother. Probably that means lots of phone conversations — just be there if they want to talk. Check in semi-regularly. And for your grandma, maybe some regular packages with photos of your child and other things you know she might like?
LondonLeisureYear
I don’t know if your grandmother has a favorite hairdresser or someone to do their nails but if its difficult for her to get to those appointments many times those individuals will come to retirement homes to do appointments there. I know that retirement places often have their own hair people but if your grandmother is attached to someone it might be nice to see that familiar face again. Or if she is able to get out maybe just a gift card to a place so she can have a spa day, I think that makes anyone feel better at any age.
I don’t know if you are traveling in the near future but I always make sure I send my grandparents some local food goody from where ever I travel. Even if they can’t eat it they love being able to pass it around to their friends at lunch or to have something to give to the nursing staff when they come by.
I know nursing staff always appreciate new pictures cards being sent. It gives them something to talk about. Especially if your grandfather is having trouble communicating they can be like “Oh you got a new card!! Isn’t that pretty!” it gives them fresh material.
mascot
My grandmother is in mid-late stage Alzheimer’s. She and my grandfather moved into assisted living under similar circumstances. We visit when we can, but it’s not like we are in town and can do much. I agree with ramping up the phone calls with your family and perhaps sending a few cards, pictures of the kids, etc. For my mom, the biggest help I can give her is to just listen. She needs an outlet for her emotions and her occasional rants. That seems to help her to have someone to vent to. Going through family albums with my mom has been nice too so she can remember the time before my grandparents needed this level of care.
Anonymous
Please call the Alzheimer’s Association (www.alz.org). They have a lot of support groups and can plug you into local chapters that can help you, your dad, and your grandparents. It’s not something that you should have to deal with alone as a family.
Editing to add, I’m running out the door to a meeting, but I’m happy to talk further if you post an email address. I’m so so sorry.
LondonLeisureYear
Hello!
I posted months ago about how I was moving with my fiance to London for 2 years. Well, we are finally here and found a place in Islington. Loving it so far! I would love any recommendations of your favorite must dos in London. Thanks!
Anonymous
Wait, you’re just going to be a housefiancee in a London for 2 years not working and just hanging out? I’m sorry, my jealousy prevents me offering you any advice whatsoever.
LondonLeisureYear
Yah I am 100% spoiled. I am doing an online program to work on my behavior analyst degree ( I was a special ed teacher back in the states). We got here in August so since then I have been doing some occasional babysitting for his coworkers kids and am setting up volunteering in a school for special ed kids since I miss it. I realize I am totally lucky, however it feels so bizarre. I have had a job all since I was 14 (paid for my first 2 years of college with my babysitting money from highschool!) and worked at a year round school in the states…so having free time is not something I am used to.
tesyaa
It’s awesome that you still want to volunteer with special needs kids. Special ed teachers are the most amazing people ever :)
Anonymous
I’d join the Anerican Women’s Club. You’ll be on the younger side but those ladies are active- volunteering, country walking days, special tours. Help to keep you busy. See if there’s an alumni club you can join. Grab an A-Z and start walking. Make a list of every museum in the city. Visit them all. Get a London Walks guidebook, do all the walks. Teach yourself to cook a foreign cuisine. Fall in live with an absurd British soap opera.
NOLA Lady
I had 4 months on holiday in London while husband had special project for work and i was in bwt jobs. It was wonderful. London Walks tours http://www.walks.com/ were a a great way to learn about different areas of the city and history of London. On the weekend I would take husband on “tours’ distilled from what I learned… Also spent time in the wonderful museums, so much variety. Jealous too, I wish i could have another long London holiday!!!!
Wildkitten
That’s pretty common since its so hard to get a visa to work in the UK. Some people who would like to work can’t get the permits, so its not always leisure by choice.
I’ve heard good things about the London Junior League.
LondonLeisureYear
My visa does let me work, and I might eventually but right now I just can’t really work with the way my schedule is. I would have zero PTO built up and my SO has a bunch of trips all over that I would love to go with. I also have to go home to the USA for 3 weeks in May, and then another 3 weeks October 2015 for our wedding. It would be hard to teach and take off all that time. So I could work if I had to, but right now I thankfully don’t have to so we decided its just not worth the stress.
TXLawyer
Definitely check out TheLondoner.me
AN
War cabinet rooms
Parliament tour
Tower of London
British museum
Thames cruise all the way to Greenwich
Hyde park….daily
Red Beagle
Responding to mer’s post about styling open-toed booties for fall (tights?) made me think of the white elephants in my closet – the open toed 3 inch platform wedge sneakers (in grey and highlighter yellow, no less) which I couldn’t resist a couple of years ago, wore once or twice to raised eyebrows, and then put away because they were over and now will probably give away. Anyone else have any “what was I thinking” items in their closet?
tesyaa
I get rid of them really fast so I can pretend I never purchased them :)
S in Chicago
Clogs. I bought thinking they would be Boho chic, but instead they’re just really heavy and hard to walk in and kind of fugly with every pair of pants I’ve tried with them. I don’t think they’ve actually made it out of the closet because they’re just so awkward and weird.
I also had a Real Housewives moment and bought a crazy huge crystal statement necklace. Like crazy huge. I convinced myself that it would be great to instantly dress up any basic sheath to go to a wedding or such. But the truth is that it’s just so heavy and sparkly that it’s more likely to make it’s first showing on Halloween some day.
Red Beagle
Clogs – check, crazy statement necklace (except mine was a scarf with a huge rhinestone charm set), check. Neither worked at all. I guess these things are more common than I thought. I like the suggestion above to toss them immediately and pretend it never happened!
tesyaa
On the same note, is this boot cute or hideous? I realize it’s cheap faux suede and will probably fall apart quickly, but the price is right:
http://www.6pm.com/rampage-viktor
meme
I think they’re alright, but air conditioned, so not really practical for any climate.
tesyaa
I feel like with black tights, the perforations wouldn’t be noticeable… but I’ve decided that even for $35 I can’t get excited enough to buy these.
PolyD
Huh, I have less of a problem with perforated boots than toeless ones. In fact, I have a pair of brown ankle boots (Latigo) with intricate cut-outs and I like them very much. It just sort of lightens up the look of the boot, so works well in the fall in DC when it can be 50-ish in the morning and warm up to the 70s in the afternoon.
I would consider those except I don’t buy synthetic shoes. Painful and sweaty!
Red Beagle
Can’t beat the price, and if the perforations don’t go all the way through, maybe not too impractical, but my concern is that the reason for the price is that IRL the color is one of those “off” beige tones that don’t work with everything or is downright ugly, people are returning them in droves, and they are priced for quick sale.
Wordy
3 inch orange sandals with super thick soles. They sound hideous, but they are lovely, and I can see the ladies at looksgoodfromtheback dot com rocking them but every time I put them on, I take them right off again.
I think someone needs to come physically remove them from my closet since clearly I don’t have the will, against all common sense.
tesyaa
What size are they?
Hildegarde
Oh, that would be the dusty pink duchesse satin ball skirt I purchased from J.Crew several years ago, and which I have worn exactly once. (Dusty pink is the best description I can come up with for the color, I don’t mean that it’s actually dirty.) It’s absolutely beautiful, it was on super-super-sale, and I thought I would wear it because I do go to the opera and symphony on a regular basis. It’s outrageously fancy, though, even for the opera, and I can’t for the life of me figure out what to wear on top. I need something that would dress it down, and I thought of a simple black cashmere sweater, but it would have to be fitted and on the short side to hit at the exact right spot where the waistband is.
The one time I wore it was because a few friends were complaining of similar problems with really fancy dresses they loved but couldn’t wear. We all put them on one evening, the guys in the group wore similarly attention-grabbing formalwear, and we had drinks and hors d’oeuvres at the bar of a hotel that is decorated beautifully, but it’s best days were probably in the 20’s. It was really fun, and I like to think our clothing did justice to the faded glory of that bar.
Still, I should have saved the money and not purchased that skirt. I’m just not sure I have the b*lls to wear it to an actual event, even if I could find a top to go with it.
Cb
It sounds absolutely gorgeous! I’ve been searching for a shantung midi skirt to wear to a special event and no joy yet. I had something from express in high school that would have been perfect.
tesyaa
Try thrift stores for long satin skirts, seriously. My daughter’s bought a couple for $5-$10 or so (not that she wears them).
Hildegarde
Ha, then at least I know I’m not the only person who bought such a skirt and then regret**d it.
Baconpancakes
Can you dress it down with a nice tee tucked in and flats? This one has a slit, but I think the idea is there. http://www.anaffairwithitaly.com/185/We-Love/284/AAWI-shoots-Fashion-Blogger-Laura-Fantacci-for-J-Crew-on-the-beautiful-Amalfi-Coast
In the jcrew product picture, they paired it with a sweatshirt, which gives the same idea. I used to have a similar gold satin floor-length skirt, and I would wear it casually with a black v-neck sweater. Once I got used to the idea that it wasn’t precious, I wore it a lot more. And I fully support the idea of wearing nice things to the symphony and opera – people show up in jeans, even on opening night! *Old lady fist shaking*
Hildegarde
I support your fist-shaking!
A decent-quality, fitted t-shirt is an option, and I have tried this on at home with the skirt; I just have never been able to work up the nerve to wear this outfit outside my apartment. Maybe I will talk myself into it this season.
Red Beagle
Maybe treat it like a bridesmaid dress with possibilities by altering it to knee-length or just above then wear it more casually? If you can find a nice little top of the right length, it could be lovely. That or a 50’s New Look Dior midi length with a little fitted black top and pearls, yum!
Clementine
Oh man, I would go all Carolina Herrera and wear it with perfectly crisp white button down shirts.
Hildegarde
When I bought the skirt this occurred to me as an option, and I tried this and wound up looking like a woman from the early 20th century. Kind of schoolmarmish: ankle-length skirt, button-front shirt. But I know the Carolina Herrera look is not like that; it looks awesome. I don’t know why I can’t get the white shirt thing to work – maybe I need to wear the shirt more dramatically somehow? Possibly it’s also that to make the look not frumpy you need to unbutton the shirt more than I typically unbutton such shirts. Still, I appreciate the encouragement from you all, and may play around with the skirt again this weekend.
Danielle
I googled the ball skirt to see what it looks like. Your post immediately made me think of this image that I have pinned: http://imgur.com/MI66Q79. I love tulle but missed the boat on tulle skirts a year or two ago because I couldn’t justify the price per wears.
gouda
Cloche hat. I love the look, but since hatchecks have gone the way of the dodo I never know what to do with it once I arrive at a restaurant or something.
Parfait
You keep it on, or you set it on top of your purse, or you hang it off the corner of your chair if it has one.
I will take any unwanted cloche hats off your hands! I wear them constantly.
Baconpancakes
I can’t remember making any of those purchases, because if I do regret any purchase, I pour half a bottle of grain alcohol on it, set it on fire, and drink the rest of the bottle. Purchase disappears, and I can’t even remember buying it. Problem solved.
buffybot
I like your style.
hoola hoopa
Oh, my. I just laughed out loud at my desk. Busted, but I’m still laughing so I don’t even care.
Brant
What would you wear to a client visit in Florida when you get this from the account rep dragging you there:
“Dress is office attire, not business casual. No need to wear a suit!”
We’re a software dev company. And while our dress code is “business casual,” that means nice jeans are fine. Plus, it’s Florida.
Thoughts? I know suit separates are too much. I’m on the biz dev side and going with sales. They’re all male and wearing khakis and various flavors of button downs.
Anon
I usually wear a wrap dress or shirt dress and comfortable flats. They’re easy to pack and can go either way, formality-wise.
Wildkitten
I think that just means “no jeans.”
Red Beagle
Pressed dockers, a nice tee or pressed 3/4 sleeve button-down, and a cardigan for when the air conditioning blows? With flats?
Sam
Oh goodness, no. Dockers or khakis, let alone “pressed ones” are almost always the wrong idea for women, unless they are required as a uniform. Frump city!
Anonymous
+1,000,000
Red Beagle
Not even skinny leg flat front ones? I do have one pair that I wear on casual fridays with a mid-heel pointy snakeskin pump and it’s not too frumpy? That being said, the fit had to be just right — too big and definitely frump city, too small and, well, you know. The toe of a dromedary.
Killer Kitten Heels
I’d do a dress with sleeves and bring a blazer (personally I’d opt for one of my wrap dresses, but a sheath would work too). If everyone’s super-casual, leave the blazer off, and if it ends up being a more formal environment than expected, blazer goes on.
Em
This, plus a cardigan in case it’s more casual but cold inside. Depending on the area of Florida, the dress code may be more formal/conservative than you’d expect due to the Southern influence.
Aggie
+1 A blazer is a great insurance policy.
Parfait
What the heck is the difference between office attire and business casual? That makes my head hurt.
Agree that wearing a dress is the best option.
hoola hoopa
Seriously. What does that even mean???
I also agree with pp’s that a dress is the way to go. A dress that I’d wear to a normal office, not one in some sort of dress code twilight zone.
pregomama
Need some wisdom from advice on dealing with my mom. I was raised in a upper-middle-class family where my mom had kids in her early/mid 20s, and made the choice to stop working and raise the family. She was an office admin. My dad made good money, and worked hard (and late!) but because we were single income, we did not have a particularly lavish lifestyle. My mom was super involved with her many kids- PTA president, scout leader, on and on, for 10 years. Then she took a part time job once all the kids were in school,but never really fully went back to work. She is in her late 50s now, works full time at a medicore job that she got when my parents divorced a decade ago.
Fast forward- i had a baby! Woo! I kick butt at my job, and worked hard through college (which my parents paid for) and grad school (which I paid for). DH and I have very equal jobs with a solid income. We are paying down his and my grad school debt at a rapid clip, own our home, drive one nice car and one “train station” car. We could afford, with some lifestyle and savings/goal modification, for one of us to stay home but we made the decision to put baby in daycare and continue to be a dual-income family.
I move mountains to spend time with my baby- I work 60 hour weeks but get a lot of quality face time with the kiddo. Weekends are structured 100% family time (zoo trips, beach trips, backyard fun, vs just lazing around), and I keep the baby home from daycare on Mondays, making up those lost hours at crazy times during the week. She is in daycare from 9 or 9:30-5pm at the latest and I often pick her up early, diving back nto work after she’s asleep at 7.
All that as background, my mom WILL NOT LET UP with the fact I should be at home. It’s crushing me. I get a load of guilt around every corner about a decision I am 100% okay with- the baby is thriving in daycare. Mom tells me in a back-handed way she doesn’t like the daycare we picked. She makes snide comments whenever I post a pic on facebook. I get weird comments about “doesn’t it KILL you not to see her at every lunchtime?” No, mom, it doesn’t. I love my baby and I like my job and I love our daycare.
How do I put a stop to this? Or tune it out?
tesyaa
I don’t have any advice, buy my mom was a SAHM until I was 16 (I’m the youngest) and she was the opposite, always “reminding” me about how important it is to have a career and an income. (FWIW, my parents are together and my dad’s salary provided a comfortable lifestyle). I think people naturally want to validate their own choices and/or their own regrets, and often end up trying to push them onto the people closest to them.
If you can’t tune it out, remind her over and over again that the baby is thriving, happy and bonded to you – and that you’re happy working and that a happy mom is also good for the baby.
Orangerie
Tell her if she wants to be a part of her grandchild’s life, she needs to accept your choices and shut up about it.
I assume at least part of the motivation behind her comments is that she somewhat regrets her own choices, and is trying to put down yours in order to make herself feel better.
Carrie
This brings up a good point… You’re mother is likely having some regrets now, and is unfortunately not expressing them in a healthy way.
I agree that it is worth a sit down to simply and clear say that her comments are hurting you and they need to stop. But realize that they may not and you may have to start deleting her comments/ignore her comments with no response until she changes her behavior.
Your mother is also at a hard and lonely time in her life, that is all too familiar to many, many women later in life. For people who probably read this board, it is hard to relate to because you are young, most are in the exciting early parts of their careers/relationships/marriages and haven’t been in your Mom’s position and probably cannot relate to it. It does not excuse her behavior, but a really feel for her.
tesyaa
Being lonely and criticizing her daughter’s parenting choices have nothing to do with each other.
Carrie
I didn’t say that they did.
I’m just saying… empathy. You may not have it for this situation, but I can still empathize with her mother while also stating her behavior is wrong.
Sometimes the best way to change a behavior to is to really understand what may be at the root of the behavior.
Diana Barry
+1. If she starts in with it, hang up. Repeat, “Mom, we are not going to discuss this” as many times as necessary. It will feel really weird for a while and she may not get the hint right away, but will be better for your sanity!!!
mascot
You have to agree to disagree. I think you need to have one firm conversation with her that your choices are right for your family, her choices were right for her family, that you love her, that you appreciate everything she has done for you, and that this matter is not up for discussion. Period. Then ignore, ignore, ignore. It does get better as baby gets older (I have a similar situation with mom comments, thought fewer guilt trips)
pregomama
it’s even worse because I think in some ways it’s almost subconcious. Easy example: I posted to our photostream (which is how grandparents see millions of pics of my kiddo) a pic of baby walking and talking on the first day of her new “class” at daycare, with a comment, “Where did my little baby go?!” Her comment on that was, “they grow up so quickly! even more so when they’re off at daycare!” I even asked DH if I was reading too much into it, just to make sure I wasn’t mis-reading it, and he thought it was out of line as well.
It’s things like, “I hate the thought of her being away all day!” and “I can’t imagine not being there for [whatever]”. I’m pretty damn proud that I was there for her first steps and her first crawl and her first “roll over”–which all happened on random evenings, weekends, whatever. No, I wasn’t the one to teach her to wave bye-bye, but I am really OK with that in the grand scheme of things.
Orangerie
Sorry, but no. Your mom is an adult and her behavior is not subconscious. It’s rude and demeaning and completely uncalled for. She doesn’t deserve any credit for that. “They grow up so quickly!” would have been a perfectly fine response without the snarky second portion, and I guarantee she knew that.
mascot
Some of her comments might just her being generally clueless as to what it is like to be in daycare. I mean, there are plenty of things you learn and firsts once you start elementary school, yet most people don’t get hung up on it. You read your first chapter book, you learned how to do a layup, you learned how to say your name in french, etc. Perhaps give her that perspective.
I’m equally clueless as to what it would be like to stay home with my child all the time. I’m sure I’ve said something about how boring that must be or how I need more adult stimulation, which could come off as a jab at my SAHM friends.
Meg Murry
Yes, has she actually been inside the daycare? My MIL was also a SAHM when her kids were little, and she was horrified that we were going to use a daycare. But she lives locally, so we took her there to visit and she does pickup for us occasionally, and once she saw that it was full of people that love our kids and that the kids love it she’s totally on team daycare evangelist now (at least for our center, not daycare in general).
I think my MIL pictured some kind of cold, sterile place full of babies left in cribs to sob all day. So seeing it in person really helped her.
Also, I know others have suggested the grandma-as-nanny option, but if she’s local and only works part time could she do one day a week as “grandma day”? My mother either takes my kids for a full day or picks them up from daycare one day after lunch and that is her special day to spend with them.
And another +1 to telling her thank you for staying home with you and that was the right decision for her family and that you appreciate it, but it isn’t the right decision for your family. And maybe post more pictures tagged “Mommy and Baby Monday” to emphasize that you do see your baby a lot, not just weekends.
Harriet
Can you deliberately misunderstand her? So to her comment about how kids grow up faster when they’re at daycare, you could say, “Yes, you’re totally right! She learns so much from the older kids – I love how they help her master new skills.” Totally heavy-handed and passive-aggressive but at least you’re getting the point across that it’s not that daycare is the best of a bunch of bad options – it’s just plain the best option for you.
tesyaa
I don’t have any advice, but my mom was a SAHM until I was 16 (I’m the youngest) and she was the opposiite, always “reminding” me about how important it is to have a career and an income. (FWIW, my parents are together and my dad’s salary provided a comfortable lifestyle). I think people naturally want to validate their own choices and/or their own regrets, and often end up trying to push them onto the people closest to them.
If you can’t tune it out, remind her over and over again that the baby is thriving, happy and bonded to you – and that you’re happy working and that a happy mom is also good for the baby.
housecounsel
I experienced this with my mother-in-law, not my own mother (who I think may be disappointed in me that I have scaled way back now that I have teens/tweens and they’re older and need more supervision, IMHO, but that’s another thread entirely). The only thing that worked was shutting her down, loudly and directly. She started in once at a family gathering and my husband just called her out in front of everyone, basically defended my honor and told his mother to JUST STOP IT.
I don’t think you should approach your own mother any differently. Tell her that you’ve made your decision, it works for your family, your child is thriving and she needs to JUST STOP IT. You will no longer participate in these discussions. Do NOT go through everything you did above . . . it makes you sound like you need to justify yourself and/or respond to the guilt trip, and you don’t. If she starts in again, you end the conversation quickly.
anne-on
I love your husband. Mine did something similar when he saw me crying in the kitchen after overhearing my MIL make a snide comment about daycare to a guest at our home. He took her aside to tell her she was unwelcome in our home if she couldn’t respect our childcare choices and not to bring it up again. Being on the same team here really helps.
Anonymous
Mom, my life is great. Stop being a jerk about it.
Senior Attorney
This. I was gonna say, “Mom, I’m not going to have this conversation with you.”
Red Beagle
Ask Mom to quit her job and babysit fulltime? Not trying to be snarky, but since she is all about how the daycare is sub-par and was a SAHM herself for so many years, maybe helping raise the next generation would help her feel fulfilled?
Killer Kitten Heels
“Mom, this is something that has been bothering me for awhile now, and I wanted to let you know that, going forward, if you make one more comment suggesting that I’m not a good parent because my child is in daycare, I will defriend you on social media/hang up the phone/leave this event/ask you to leave this event.” Then, if she doesn’t heed the warning, do it. On social media, block her from being able to comment on (or being able to see!) the photos you post and put her on a filter where you don’t see her status updates (or defriend her entirely), and for in-person/phone interactions, disengage. Hang up the phone or walk away from her or leave or ask her to leave.
This may seem harsh, but she’s being really harsh and terrible. She’s being demeaning, cruel, and disrespectful. It doesn’t matter why, and you shouldn’t have to constantly deflect criticism from someone who is supposed to love and support you because faaaaaamily.
Anon
+1 to this — I would be concerned that she starts exposing your baby to the idea that mom should be at home and not a work. A very troubling message for any baby/toddler – especially a girl — to receive.
I would explicit that she is not to use the words ‘daycare’ or ‘should be at home’ or any commentary about you missing her while at work on social media in person. First violation gets a warning (“mom, we talked about this”) and second violation gets her block (asked to leave social event and uninvited from next social event of similar type/blocked on social media)
AIMS
It depends on your mom, but I find that setting boundaries works wonders. Next time she says something, I would say “Mom, we think she is doing great just as it is, I will not discuss this with you anymore,” and change the subject. Anytime she brings it up, calmly repeat “we’re not going to discuss this” as many times as necessary. After a while, she should stop.
To play armchair analyst, she probably isn’t happy about where she ended up in life (mediocre job, divorce) and needs to feel like her choice to stay home with her kids was the only way to go even if she did end up in a place where she isn’t happy now; the fact that you’re doing things differently, and that she could have also, thus, done things differently, is probably difficult for her to accept without revisiting and maybe regretting many of her own choices. It’s much easier for some people to believe that what they did was the only “right” thing to do.
Or, hey, if she lives nearby, tell her that if daycare bothers her so much she can leave her job and you’ll pay her whatever you’re paying for daycare to tend to the baby. Problem, solution.
Killer Kitten Heels
I’d stay away from solution #2 – I feel like OP’s mom-as-nanny would open the door to a lot of passive aggressive “well *somebody* has to raise your child, huffpuffsigh”-type comments, and I doubt she’d respect OP’s parenting choices while watching kiddo, since she’s already disrespecting OP’s parenting choices from afar. I wouldn’t hire a nanny who thinks its cool to constantly degrade my parenting choices – that calculus shouldn’t change just because the potential nanny also happens to be kiddo’s grandmother.
AIMS
That was more of a joke on my part.
hoola hoopa
I’m torn on #2. My mother made some similar comments (example: “your baby is crying because she’s mad at you for putting her in daycare all day”), and having her watch the kids two days/week actually did help us both. I think she was making the comments because she was missing the kids? (maybe??) But I also absolutely agree with Kitten Heels that it could be an absolute horrific disaster.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
I just want to say kudos to you for finding such a great fit between work/being a mom for your life!
Manhattanite
One point you might consider making is telling her how much you appreciate what she did for you when you were growing up. What was right for her is not what’s right for you and your husband and daughter. Tell her that you really want her support because being a parent is hard and sustaining a job and a family at the same time is difficult although rewarding.
hoola hoopa
+1
And if that doesn’t work, shut her down every time.
Does she think you regret working? I realize that you’ve told her you don’t, but does she still think that you do? It took my mother several years to finally realize/believe/accept that I truly wanted to be working. I’m not even sure she felt as badly for the kids as she did for me, because she didn’t want to work when we were little and she couldn’t take herself out of my shoes. She kept imagining herself working and raising kids, the idea made her really sad, and then she put that all on me.
Agree with some previous comments that she probably is uncomfortable with daycare because she’s unfamiliar with it. My mom really struggled at first, but then she slowly (over months, years) saw the good aspects and also simply got used to the idea.
GL! Seriously. It’s hard. FWIW, It sounds like you’re doing an almost magical job of balancing it all.
Sarabeth
Tell her you are going to hang up/leave when she brings up this topic. Then do it. You can be pleasant about it, but “As I said before, I’m going to have to end our conversation when you bring up this subject, I love you bye” will eventually get the vast majority of people to drop it.
Also, yeah, you both work more and see your kid more than I do. I am impressed.
Bewitched
Late to this thread but I would echo the commentators who said it’s not you, it’s her. My mom did (and does) make similar comments and assumptions about my life. It’s passive aggressive and so hurtful. Nothing I could say would change her comments (I’m the only daughter, and while all of my s/i/l’s work, they never were the recipients of such comments. My brothers also never really could understand “what was such a big deal” about her comments). Sadly, I do think it’s jealousy and anger. Ultimately, I just had to accept and ignore. If you say something, I hope your mom comes around and is more supportive. Ultimately, that’s what family should be and it’s so sad when they are not. Hugs.
anne-on
I’m going to say take a hard line on this, because I got the same attitude from both my mother and my mother in law. I had a talk with my mom and my husband had a talk with his mom and the coordinated message was ‘if you continue these types of comments you are not welcome in our home or to see your grandchild. Full stop.’ Sounds harsh, and there was a period of radio silence on both sides, but they got the message. It also helped that both grandparents did a few daycare drop-offs/pickups when I was traveling and they got to see what a lovely warm daycare it was and not some industrial gulag place (though why they thought I’d abandon my child in an awful daycare is beyond me).
And in the meantime, hugs. Be gentle on yourself. And remind yourself that working is something that is important to you, and your family and you are setting a good example of working motherhood for your children.
anonsg
Playing devil’s advocate here..
Some of these responses seem harsh. Yes, her comments are hurtful and you want her to respect your decision to put your baby in daycare, but if your daughter told YOU that she was cutting you out of seeing YOUR granddaughter, how would you feel? She might think, “I put so much effort and heart into raising my daughter, and now she’s trying to cut me out of her life?”
And while everyone has mentioned it might be because your mom wishes she had done what you are doing now, perhaps it’s not the case. It could also be possible that she thinks she did a great job raising you because she was a SAHM, so she thinks that you would be better off being a SAHM – and that she’s only telling you not to take your baby to daycare because she thinks that that is what is best for you and your daughter.
No advice, just some things to think about, and maybe things to talk about with your mom when you are trying to explain why you would like it if she could respect and accept your decision.
Anon - just in case
LOL. On a conference call, and the person who was sharing their screen must have forgot that they were sharing because they made some inappropriate comments to another person on the call, and got called out on it (by the person the comments were about). Lesson learned – never forget when you are sharing your screen! I’m laughing because I’m glad it wasn’t me!
Jamie
TJ: I posted this on Capitol Hill Style, but figured I would post here as well. I accidentally ripped a small hole in the elbow of my favorite wool cardigan. It’s small enough that it can definitely be darned without it showing too much. Does anyone know of anywhere in DC that can handle a repair like that?
AIMS
Not in DC, but almost any dry cleaner should be able to do this with no problem.
BB
If you have the matching thread that they sometimes give you with sweaters + a needle, you can probably do this yourself in about 3 minutes. Seriously, I had no idea how easy it is until I did it myself a few months ago.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
Have you guys heard of American Giant hoodies? They were touted by Slate last year as the ‘best hoodies ever made’. They are made in America and made of premium fabric with construction that is supposed to last decades.
I plan on buying one, but I was curious if any of you ladies have one and am curious what you think. I know it’s ridiculous to get super excited about a hoodie but it sounds awesome.
Anon
OMG I want some of whatever koolaid you drank. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been as excited about anything as you sound about a hoodie.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
I’m excited about life. :D
Katie
Oh wow, love their stuff! I’ve recently committed to buying (MUCH) fewer, better-quality, and ethically produced clothing items, and this fits the bill nicely. I don’t think it’s ridiculous to get excited about what looks like a great piece, even if it is “just” a hoodie!
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
Do you have any recommendations for similar quality brands that make other products? Thanks so much!
Wildkitten
They make other items.
Mpls
I think my brother got one a couple years ago…but I haven’t heard any follow up on the initial excitement.
Wildkitten
I got one for my boyfriend and it’s everything Slate said and more. I steal it often. It’s very warm.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
Awesome! That’s so good to know. Thank you!
hoola hoopa
I have one!!! It’s the women’s version and it’s AMAZING. I wouldn’t have ever thought it’d be possible (or that I’d care) to have the ideal hoodie, but it does exist and it’s wonderful. It’s flattering (!!), comfortable, thick, warm, and extremely well-made.
The women’s runs slim and fabric is thick and therefore a bit stiff. I like that, but if you want some ease then size up.
And FYI, they usually have a lengthy wait, particularly around the holidays.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul
Thank you! This is all really good to know. I’m going to order it now. :)
anonsg
I think there was a huge 3 or 4 month waitlist for those, wasn’t there? Must be an awesome hoodie!
houda
Yesterday, I bought a similiar top from Mango for nearly $20.
It is very flowy soft material, flattering and drapes beautifully to hide any potential bumps.
I am wearing it today and must confess, I go to the washroom just to contemplate it.
Velvet pants for work?
Velvet pants are listed as a “universally accepted option” in the Real Simple workwear article that Kat posted above. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone wear velvet pants to work throughout multiple jobs/industries. Although I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s wrong (in the way jeans would be in many offices), it does seem somewhat tone deaf. Imo, velvet pants seem more festive/holiday party attire then serious workwear. Thoughts?
Parfait
Hm. I have worn velvet pants to work. When I was 20. In retrospect, I cringe.
Velvet is so pettable. I don’t want my coworkers feeling tempted to pet my pants.
Senior Attorney
I may have worn a velvet blazer for a holiday party during working hours once or twice. But even though I generally like to push fashion boundaries, I wouldn’t even consider wearing velvet pants to work under any circumstances.
Heh. I was just thinking I’d love to see a dude wearing velvet pants to work…
Katie
In my mind, velvet pants (which I love!) are the very slightly more polished cousin of corduroy. So, business casual around the holiday season (but keeping the rest of the outfit smart with no other holidayish embellishments)- yes. Universally wearable- no way!
hoola hoopa
Do they really mean cotton velveteen pants? While I wouldn’t ever consider them a must-have basic for my own wardrobe, it’s a much more reasonable recommendation. Velveteen is a very low pile fabric that’s a more formal cousin of corduroy. I don’t agree with ‘every industry’ but they are comfortable and versatile.
But pants that are actually velvet seem decidedly holiday festive, and frankly not flattering for most women.