Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Valerie Double-Breasted Wool Blazer

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1. My mom is having knee replacement surgery next week. I list several states away. What can I send to make her life easier? She will have help and meals and things will be taken care of. She will also get all of the medical things like an ice machine.

   1. I would give her an on line subscription to audio books. This way she can listen to books on her computer, iPhone, iPod, or iPad without having to get or carry any books around. If she already has an iPhone, she can listen with ear phones as she undergoes physical therapy (PT) to rehab the knee. My grandma Leyeh had a hip replacement a few years ago, and we gave her an iPhone and a subscription to Audio books, and if she didn’t like the book, she just went on to the next one w/o having to wait for another book to come from the store or from the pubic library, which she did not like to travel to in the Bronx. She still uses it, and you can try it on your iPhone just to see.

   2. does recovery mean a lot of screen time? Maybe a subscription to a new streaming service? Mine ADORES Britbox.

   3. House cleaning service? Streaming service subscriptions if she doesn’t already have them?

   4. If she won’t be able to drive for a while after she’s up and about, maybe an Uber gift card. That’s the kind of expense that my mother would resist, even though she could easily afford, but she would use if she had a gift card.

      1. Check that Uber actually has cars available for pickup at your mother’s house before you do this. Uber’s availability has declined substantially since COVID.

   5. When my MIL had knee surgery we gave her a list of streamed show suggestions separated by mood like “If you need a laugh” or “If you’re in a dystopian mood”, a pile of magazines, and sent her food delivery every night for the first week. The painkillers gave her major brain fog so she had a hard time deciding what to watch, deciding where to get dinner from, and reading more than a magazine article (she did not catch up on reading the stack of novels she’d been saving for her recovery).

2. I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months and emotionally its going great. Last time we hung out I felt so happy I felt drunk.

   I still have a couple concerns about money / career stuff that have sort of been solidified now.I’m in my late 20s and he is 30. I always knew he made less than me but didn’t think that was a big deal. I know he doesn’t have a 401k or invest anywhere else, doesn’t save much, and didn’t fully understand how credit cards work. He doesn’t see this as an issue or want to learn more.

   The other day when we were with his friends they were talking about how they do the bare minimum at their jobs and hope they are never promoted – although they did admit they wanted more money. He has a bachelors degree is a strong major from a great school, but I know he feels stagnant in his career and hasn’t taken any steps to change that. He is very active and passionate with a volunteer cause outside of work, but that’s not necessarily the best career.
   On their own each of these things could be just a small thing, but all together its starting to be at least a yellow flag.

   He’s also not the greatest at planning. We’ve missed two events that he wanted to go to because he didn’t buy tickets before they sold out (he wanted to buy the tickets instead of me buying them). None of these things are a problem but they seem to be adding up to a partner of not being the most responsible.
   He does rent an apartment by himself, the apartment is nicely decorated, great cook, supports himself completely etc. I’m just wondering how this will work long term, if he never starts saving for retirement for example. I also have 0 interest in babysitting another adult – did you buy tickets for the thing you want to go to? did you bring your phone charger? etc. In the “if he wanted to he would” realm if I don’t reach out to plan the next time we hang out he eventually does – the day before or day we talked about meeting on.
   I know he hasn’t had many girlfriends before. Maybe he’s just used to what he’s used to. I guess I’m asking 1) are these dealbreakers or 2) can these change? I don’t want to force someone to change, that never works.

   1. My friends all think he will grow up change these things but idk about that.

      I forgot, he also calls people who have advanced degrees, are doctors/lawyers/other “fancy” jobs elitist (even though we bough have family members in jobs like that!) in a way that strikes me as coming from a place of insecurity.

      I’ve listed a lot of negatives here, but he’s also extremely nice and caring, we share a lot of common nerdy interests, he’s understanding, seems to like me a lot too.

      1. Someone in their 30’s is grown-up. This is who he is. You need to decide if you are okay with who he is (not who you think he could be).

         1. 30 is “grown up.” We’re not talking a 22yo newly out of helicopter-parented college, here. The qualities you mention – lack of advance planning and initiative – aren’t going to magically change. To me, this is unappealing enough that I would break it off.

      2. I think this “elitist” thing is a red flag actually. I could date someone with little professional ambition, that’s fine. Especially if they’re happy and have other things they’re passionate about. But someone who has distain or thinly veiled jealousy for people with more education and ambition than they do? No- that is a particular brand of jerk that I just have no patience for. It sounds so trump-y and bitter.

         Ymmv of course – My dealbreakers don’t have to be yours-but that’s the worst part of this if you ask me.

         1. Agreed. I’m not on for anti-intellectualism. Not being capable of respecting that other people want different things than you do is not an attitude that stays siloed in the “career ambitions” category. It’s a pointed lack of empathy that seeks to drag other people down, crabs-in-a-bucket style.

            1. +1. I really do understand class-based resentment and the “eat the rich” mentality. I spend 40 hours a week with intergenerational poverty, looking at how it literally kills people (my patients) because they’re not valued in our economy and increasingly have no place in it–read Deaths Of Despair if you want more info!

               HOWEVER. People of integrity do not denigrate others for honest work, period. That includes highly specialized, professional work. And especially if he benefits from your solid finances and careful planning, it’s pretty crappy for him to be snarking on professionals.

            2. I kind of don’t get the “eat the rich” mentality here. This guy has college degree and comfortable lifestyle. He’s using his insecurities to tear down working professionals. He doesn’t get to claim other peoples’ struggles with inter generational poverty as an excuse to tear down anyone with more ambition. It makes him a jerk.

            3. I agree that this is jerk behavior and that it doesn’t appear to be justifiable.

         2. The funny thing is its the very opposite side of the spectrum from trump-y – but I guess at some point its a circle

            1. +1 it’s always a circle

         3. Totally agree. It would be one thing if he chose not to take on a high-stress career path for personal reasons that he feels good about, is currently fulfilled by other parts of his life, and might later be excited about parenting. But criticizing people who have pursued higher stress and higher compensated careers like law or medicine for “elitism” suggests that he is not acutally secure and happy in his own choices, and will probably become increasingly unhappy (and maybe resentful of your success) over the years. That could be toxic.

      3. I would not be able to deal with this. He’s not a child, nor a young adult.

      4. Lol your friends are the ones with growing up to do. I hope you realize how that is.

   2. Of you’re looking for a partner, dump this guy. Love isn’t enough.

   3. He can change, but you’re not going to change him. It only works if *he* wants to change, and based on what you’ve said here, it sounds unlikely. Like SA always says, and just said it on Friday, people are not improvement projects, relationships are not relationship projects.

   4. You are signing up to parent a manchild. I’ve gotten the tee shirt, and it’s not a wardrobe I recommend.

      1. And that “He’s such a nice person. I’m so in love” stuff will fly right out the door when you’ve been with him over the years. Man toddlers are not sexy. It is hard to have sexy feelings for a man that you are essentially parenting. And then there’s nothing left. Ask me how I know.

         1. I notice that the OP said she felt so happy around him that it’s like being “drunk.” I know this is a romantic turn of phrase, but maybe it’s also telling? Do you feel like you’re losing your judgment and setting yourself up? Sounds like a colorful story to tell from your twenties (been there), but not a sustainable partnership.

            1. I think my friends met him and think he’s nice. And when I tell them things they say he’s so cute and romantic.
               I agree that he’s cute and romantic. When we meet its fun to talk about lighter things and not have big discussions so we don’t – maybe that’s the losing judgment part.

            2. I’m wondering if this is all of function of the gardening being really, really good, but everything else being meh.

            3. Sounds like the typical hormone rush of a new relationship.

            4. Ha the gardening is good but not so good as to cause that

      2. This right here! If OP thinks this behavior is annoying now, you can’t even imagine how it will enrage your down the line. Also, please have some “big” or at least heavy discussions soon. How he handles himself during those is something you’ll want to know before you continue on. So of course he’s cute and romantic now. You have only had light, airy, fun interactions.

   5. If what you want is a partner with an equal career and attitude toward money, then he won’t change and you should dump him.

      However, flip the genders here and you have someone that sounds an awful lot like some women who grew up wanting to SAH with kids. Of course not all SAH parents are like this. But how does it feel if you think about being the primary breadwinner with the majority of the income who handles family finances?

      You’d have to make sure you were both on the same page re: credit cards and general spending but if you think you could be happy with a partner who brings non-career elements to the relationship, maybe give it a go. Maybe he’d be a great stay at home dad who is super involved in the community- PTO, charities, sports, etc. if that sounds terrible to you, then he’s not the right guy for you.

      FWIW my brother is a lot like the guy you are dating. He’s engaged now at 34 to a woman with a PhD who works in Big Pharma. My brother is essentially a handyman (not a licensed tradesman), has no retirement savings to speak of but $50k in the bank, has a ton of hobbies and fosters dogs. A lot of dogs. If/when they have kids he will be the default parent. It’s not what I’d personally choose but they are happy!

      1. This is what I had initially thought of. Which is why the lower salary wasn’t an issue. Maybe it’s the attitude things, like the not even trying career wise and the elitist stuff that is starting to bother me more.

         1. Girl, you are trying to talk yourself into something. There are plenty of men who are both great emotionally and not man children.

         2. It’s one thing to want to be a stay at home parent who is active in the community, and quite another to be unwilling to support a family if need be.

         3. What appeals to me is intelligence and drive, whether that’s expressed through education and a “fancy” job or being a really good electrician or plumber or carpenter or franchise owner.

            Sounds like this dude is intentionally coasting and full of judgment – however fun he may be to hang out with, it’s not a guy I’d want to be planning a future with.

         4. I’m going to quote Young Sheldon from a couple weeks ago, when the older brother found out that his girlfriend is pregnant, and he asks her to marry him: I am having a baby, I don’t need to marry another one.

            Are you willing to be a parent to him for the rest of your life?

         5. I would neutrally ask him about his attitudes: why the dislike of high achieving people? Oh no! why did you not buy the tickets? You so wanted to go! See what he says. And, at this point you may have nothing to lose by saying something about wanting to be married someday, and to someone who has his sh1t togther.

            1. This makes sense, will do.
               For the tickets he said like I just forgot / I didn’t think they would sell out / etc

      2. This is a great response. There are plenty of people who are like your guy and are in successful relationships. What matters is how you feel about it. I have a friend who recently tried to make a relationship work with a guy like this, but fundamentally she did not respect that he didn’t have the level of career ambition that she expected. A relationship that doesn’t have respect will fail, and it did. But I have other friends who are very, very happy in relationships like this. You have listed out a lot of characteristics of this guy, but you haven’t explained how *you* feel about them. You’re asking the internet if it’s ok that he’s like this, but you need to ask yourself. Will you respect him in 10 years if he’s still in the same level of job? If a friend or a coworker or a family member makes a snide comment about his job, will you jump to defend him or will it hit hard because that’s secretly how you feel? I would also try to think forward 10 years. Right now in your late twenties you might feel differently about this relationship than you will when you are older and have more responsibilities. In ten years, if you are married and have kids (assuming that is in your plans), maybe you’ll deeply appreciate being able to pursue your career while having him home as the default parent, or maybe you will deeply resent being the default primary wage earner and the pressure that comes with. Both feelings would be totally legitimate, it all just comes down to how you are wired and what you value.

         1. I wouldn’t mind if he had the same job but I would like for him to take it seriously and like he cares. I greatly respect his volunteer work, but tbh I think his job could also be a great career if he wanted it to. My family will definitely make all types of comments about this and I would defend him, but right now I’m thinking “oh its annoying that my mom was a little bit right about how dating someone with less ambition would be”. If he is the default parent, that would be perfect. However, I do want my kids to be taught that you should make a career for yourself and that thats worth it for many reasons, and that a lot of things worth doing are hard etc

            1. You need a different partner, then.

            2. Yeah, this isn’t the guy for you then. Recognize that you can’t change him, and you also probably can’t/don’t want to change your own values and while both are absolutely fine they are not compatible. Do him and yourself a favor and move on now.

            3. If it’s annoying that your mom is a little bit right about how dating someone with less ambition would be, it’ll be EXTRA annoying when your mom is a lot right about how being married to someone with less ambition would be. Break up with this guy. And I say this as someone with little career ambition (but a high enough salary) and who is married to someone who is currently a SAHP.

      3. +1 I’m a little confused about why these traits are acceptable in a SAHM but not a dude.

         You don’t hear it often here, but personally I wish my DH were less ambitious. I was attracted to his ambition in the beginning but now I hate his workaholic tendencies and wish he spent less time working. Maybe I’d feel differently if we were very rich (his career keeps us very comfortable but he isn’t a mega earner like a Big Law attorney) but somehow I doubt it. Just something to keep in mind.

         1. For me they’d be equally unacceptable. Just because it’s been okay for SAHMs for a long time doesn’t make it actually okay.

         2. +1 Me too. I am a work widow.

         3. For me as long as someone has something they’re passionate about, that’s enough for me. In fact, I think I almost prefer they’re passionate about something besides their career (how boring is it to be obsessed with your job? Even if it’s a very cool or meaningful job, it’s still just a job). If they’re financially self sufficient, I think it’s fine to not be ambitious at work but to be passionate about other interests.

            So, I would not care that he’s not professionally ambitious, and I would love that he is passionate about his volunteering. However, his lack of retirement savings is a huge red flag to me and I would not be ok with that

         4. Because a dude is not going to conceive, carry, birth, and raise my children. If a man was capable of doing that, I would be a married breadwinner mom.

            1. You don’t think a man can raise children?

            2. To be fair he can’t carry + birth them regardless

            3. Even if you want several kids, pregnancy and birth is a really short amount of time compared to a typical 35-40 year career. A man can absolutely take on the primary parent role or even be a SAHD if his wife is the breadwinner and doesn’t want to take a step back at her career.

            4. “You don’t think a man can raise children?”

               I know they can and I know there are some awesome SAHDs out there. I can also say, I did not marry one of those guys, who wanted to be the lead parent. He did exceptionally well at equal parenting but he could not (and flat-out told me he did not want to) take the lead, aka stay home and parent instead of working (which was an option for us at one point – to have me continue in my high-earning job and have him stay hom . And TBH, I don’t know that I would have had a child as a single mother if my husband wasn’t in the picture, because I’m not sure I had it in me to be the only parent with no backup. It’s important for people to know their own limitations.

               Also, I will echo that pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding all come down to Mom and I think in general, small children default to wanting their moms a lot of the time (or at least my kid did, and I see that in other families also). I think any woman who is wanting a not-so-ambitious dude so that she doesn’t have to be the “default parent” be really realistic about what that looks like, in practice. Separate from the societal expectations, a lot of women have a hormonal/biochemical attachment to their child that isn’t easy to overcome intellectually. Like, when my 1-year-old got super sick and we were considering going to the ER, I chose to call in to work that day not because my husband couldn’t handle it, but because I viscerally wanted to be with my child. This doesn’t happen to everyone (and if it doesn’t, it’s not a character flaw) but it wasn’t something I was prepared for, the strength of the emotional bond and the chemicals in my brain that kept up this constant drumbeat of “don’t leave your baby, don’t leave your baby.”

            5. I would not have kids if I were going to hand them off to a man to raise them.

            6. In my circle, there’s a couple that had a baby right before the shutdown in 2020. Mom went back to work (from home) a few weeks after everyone started staying home. Dad is a freelancer, so he took primary baby-care duty during the day, and worked during naps and in the evenings (he adjusted what projects he took on so he was working less than he could have). They did this until the baby was about 1.5 and started daycare. The dad was the one who was doing the majority of the care while baby was awake, so the baby wanted the dad “more” whenever anything was wrong. The mom did not breastfeed. I think this is a very telling example.

            7. I totally disagree that small children biologically default to their mom. That kind of thinking is extremely sexist and holds women back. DH is and always has been the go-to parent for our kid. We both work and have a relatively equal parenting relationship (probably 60/40 him) so not a SAHM or SAHD situation, but to the extent there is a preference for one of us, it’s definitely for him. Breastfeeding is completely optional. I did it and enjoyed it, but if you’re career driven and don’t want to do it, formula is fine. I know several career-oriented women who chose not to breastfeed so their partner could do more. Really, it is just pregnancy that has to be entirely on the woman, and even that is not 100% set in stone. Adoption and surrogacy are options.

            8. “Really, it is just pregnancy that has to be entirely on the woman, and even that is not 100% set in stone. Adoption and surrogacy are options.”

               Feel free to judge this statement all you want, but I’m not sure that a woman who is so career-motivated that she’s willing to outsource not just the care of her child but the gestating of it to another person should have children. Kids need their parent(s) for more than just the money that pays the bills. Parenting does not have to be an all-consuming activity, the way some people do it, but parents need to be physically and emotionally present for their children, a large percentage of the time, or it negatively impacts the child. If a woman’s career is her highest priority and getting married and/or having a child is basically just a check-the-box activity for her, she should skip it and feel no guilt about that. It’s better to decide having kids isn’t for you than it is to bring a child into the world (or adopt one) and have that child constantly be pushed to the bottom of the priority list. We have enough emotionally messed-up people in the world; we don’t need people who should know better adding to the problem. Also, this is what the poster last week who talked about WASPy neglect was referencing: parents who were too caught up in whatever else they were doing that they thought was more important than taking care of their child.

            9. Personally I would not want to be in a family where one parent is a workaholic and the other parent raises the children, regardless of which gender is which. I agree the best scenario for a child is to have two involved parents. But straight men have been “outsourcing the care of their children” to their wives since time immemorial, so if you think it’s problematic for women to do the same, you need to examine your internalized sexism. Until men stop having SAHM wives who do everything for their house and kids, allowing them to “lean in” and work 90+ hours with no family-related distractions, I see no reason why a woman should be shamed for making the same choice (even though it’s not the choice I would make for myself). I think it’s extremely sexist and problematic to suggest that children have a biological need for their mothers more than their fathers, or that mothers have a biological desire to be caregivers that men don’t experience. These are stereotypes and they’re ones that hold women back tremendously (even women like me with boring 9-5 jobs) because they contribute greatly to the perception that raising children is “women’s work.”

   6. I met my now-husband when we were both 36 and he had clearly just newly grown out of these things that you describe. He works reasonably hard at his good-but-not-impressive job and does well at it, gets promotions, etc — he just doesn’t care about being at the top of his field or that kind of thing. He was just starting to figure out personal finance stuff when I met him, and has been willing to learn, and he was just figuring out how to be good at planning personal stuff, but still sometimes somewhat last minute. His apartment was still a disaster though — not like gross (no garbage or bugs), but dusty and disorganized.

      If I had met him at 30, he would have been like your guy and I would have probably dumped him. He still needed to grow up, but I was already a grown up by then and didn’t have time for that. He says that if we had met then he would have thought I was “boring” (which is not unfounded! I learned to let go of some of my anxiety that prevented me from taking risks).

      Will your guy grow up or is this just who he is? I have no idea. You can wait around and find out, but then you have to accept the possibility that this might just be who he is, or that he might grow up later than you would like, etc.

      1. His apartment is actually very clean – he may be better at domestic things / cooking / cleaning than I am tbh. So like anonymous’ brother I was essentially thinking of this as a relationship with switched gender roles.

         I would be fine if he is like his husband. I can try and figure out if he’s willing to learn. It’s fine to not know personal finance stuff, and I guess for example my dad handles that and my mom does not. My mom does all the planning, but the thing is my dad definitely could.

         1. I’m not sure why people here are equating not being ambitious with being a man child? The man child I dated didn’t cook, didn’t clean, didn’t ever take responsibility for anything.

            1. Compared to this board, I’m definitely not professionally ambitious because I realize that if I become a manger (in my field) my time is no longer my own. A very close friend of mine and I have worked together at 3 jobs now, she’s always been in a managerial role and I never have. I extremely rarely (once a quarter?) get a call or have to respond to an email after hours. She has hours of nights/weekends calls/emails every week. I’d rather have less money and a less prestigious role and have more time because my passions are outside of work. I volunteer, I run marathons, I do woodworking, I travel and I have a great social life. I have this soul sucking job because it pays me enough to do the aforementioned things (I used to have the passion driven non profit job that I loved but my hobbies cost more than that job allowed). I’m late 20s and I’ll probably never get promoted again and I don’t really care.

               I also cook fun meals, have a very clean apartment and am as on top of life admin/chores/errands as mt ADHD allows. I’m even getting a masters degree in something that’s relevant enough to my job for them to pay for it, but is more aligned with my passions than my career.

               Just because someone is not professionally ambitious doesn’t mean they’re not ambitious elsewhere and certainly doesn’t mean they’re a man child.

   7. It sounds like if you stat with him, you are going to miss your short window to get married, have kids, and build wealth. Is that what you want for yourself?

      1. This. Even putting kids out of it, do you want to support this guy financially forever? Or parent him in the absence of kids?

         1. I was recently so sick that I basically could not get up and my dad drove in from the suburbs and picked me up and took me to multiple doctors since it was unclear what was going on. And I found myself thinking that I’m not sure that I could count on this guy being as drop-everything-and-take-care but also pragmatic in terms of setting up appts etc for me or for future kids. Idk if this is a fair comparison

            1. You know the answer to this question.

            2. I vote break up based on this comment alone. The drop-everything-and-take-care aspect is very important in a marriage. Over the years, my husband and I have played this role for each other. Having someone to rely in a crisis is one of the best aspects of being married.

               Otherwise, I would be into this dude personally. My girlfriend has a husband likes this. She now has a mega career, and she persuaded him to quit his job to stay at home despite not having kids. Their marriage works, but not everyone wants to be a breadwinner.

            3. I agree with no face. I was recently sick and my bf asked what he could do to help. He got me the basics, pedialyte and cough drops but if I ever needed him, or even his friends and family needed him, he would drop everything for them. He definitely makes less than me and does not have a professional white collar job, but he would be there for me when I need him. What does this guy really have to offer? Why do you even like him? Or is it just that he’s a decently nice fun guy in a sea of automatic no’s?

            4. Okay, so – this is all I need to hear to know you should get out.

               If you have ambitions for yourself and your career, you absolutely need a partner who will be able to come through in a clutch. My husband once had to deal with our son getting strep while I was on a week-long business trip and I got literally two phone calls about it: 1. The kid is running a fever and I made a doctor appointment and we’re on our way there. 2. We’re at the doctor now, want to listen in? (I did.) Then he picked up the prescriptions, made arrangements to work from home the next two days because kid couldn’t go to daycare, etc. He came through so I didn’t have to drop everything and pay an enormous flight change fee and come home. If you don’t know that this guy has his sh*t together enough to step in on basic stuff like scheduling appointments, or stepping up if you get sick, for me that’s a hard pass. My husband is not perfect, of course, but he is the guy who will come through when the chips are down and handle things. I cannot overrate that quality enough, especially as a working woman with ambitions and goals.

            5. Anon @ 10:59 you have a point re: the automatic no’s. I’m replying to all these comments because its a useful way to process my feeling, and because my friends are being weirdly too optimistic about all of this. So many of them started dating someone and that became their long term partners, whereas I have broken up with multiple men in the 3-6 month range. I don’t really mind that personally, but it is annoying to be the one doing the breaking up – I’d almost rather be broken up with!

               I don’t want a guy who is super into his career either. I went on dates with a lot of guys like that and it never worked. I also don’t want to be the work widow like there are posts about here all the time.
               I like him because he is sweet and fun and supportive and we have common interests. I’m somewhat socially awkward and he’s very understanding. But I also do have a masters degree and a great career and make a decent amount of money.

            6. Not to pile on, but… this. Drop-everything-and-take-care is, like, the number one job of a spouse, in my view. Granted this guy isn’t your spouse now, but between this and the fact that you don’t seem to really respect him (based on your other comments), I say DTMFA.

            7. Agree with no face here – this comment is very telling to me. If you can’t count on him to do this at this stage, I don’t think that’s going to change. I’d move on.

            8. oooh, yeah, I’m sorry, if you can’t trust this guy to be reliable in a crisis, he is most definitely not long-term material.

            9. My partner would be out of his mind with concern if I were sick enough to need help getting to the doctor. I don’t know how much you were communicating though.

            10. As a widow, I miss this aspect of marriage even though my husband was not the very best at it but was very kind.

            11. I had to cancel on plans w/ him and his friends when the medical emergency started so he fully knew then – once my dad picked me up the next day I was not / could not communicate much bc I couldn’t look at a phone.

            12. Very telling experience that you relied on your dad and it sounds like knew you couldn’t rely on boyfriend for much. I’ve broken up with two boyfriends over this specifically (had an emergency medical situation and actually wanted BF to just leave and get out of the way bc they were basically no help at all and instead I was managing their emotions about my emergency.) life is long and shit happens, you want someone with their act together who can face challenges with you.

            13. Well it’s a fairly new relationship so I wouldn’t have expected my boyfriend to necessarily do all that. My dad is much more well versed with my medical history and knows local doctors etc. But yeah I had no doubts that my dad would help me and my boyfriend didn’t exactly offer to help.

            14. Did your boyfriend know how sick you were? Did you ask for his help? Did he volunteer his help?

                If he knew you were sick and did not offer to help, or come over right away to make soup and bring you tea, he either is not that into you, or is so self centered and immature that he can’t tune into other people.

                Really, I think you should talk to him about your sense of where he is in his life: Seems blase about what he wants, doesn’t go after things, doesn;t worry about other people–just go for it, why not? Maybe he will tell you that he is seeing that he has to make some changes in order to have a good life, he gets it.

            15. Another +1 for No Face

         2. I went back and checked my texts. I clearly told him he was sick but not quite how dire it was. He did say “lmk if you need anything”. It was one of those situations where I was too sick to tell someone what I needed, but if people offered something specific I would say yes or no. His friends were visiting from out of town so he was in a slightly tight spot.

            I think your description of where he may be in life looks accurate, but will talk to him about it. The comment sections consensus makes sense but I want to have a few conversations before deciding whether to end it.

            1. I don’t think it really matters how long you’ve been dating, tbh. In the very very early days of my current relationship (I think maybe a few weeks after our first date), I got a UTI after a night of gardening. I mentioned it in passing to him over text the next day and he felt awful even though I assured him it was no big deal. I came home from the pharmacy to find a delivery of Azo, flowers, my favorite candy bar, and a “get well soon” card on my doorstep. Men who want to proactively provide and care for their partner and family–the kind of men that ambitious women need to be with IMO–will do those things for them as early as they feel they can. No one is perfect but I think that core impulse to jump in and provide/take care of things is absolutely essential in a good partner.

            2. Ugh I agree with you completely and he does not have that “impulse to provide”. I don’t need to be taken care of but if I’m dating someone I want to be taken care of at least a little.

   8. People can always change but they have to want to change. Sounds like he doesn’t. If you didn’t want to get married and have kids, I think it’s fine bc you would just keep your finances separate but what happens when you’re ready for entire at 65 and he has nothing saved? Are you going to want that life then? It would be different if he was inspired by your drive, ambition, responsibility at doing simple normal adult things like buying tickets to an event. He can support himself as far as his apartment goes but he can’t save for the future. Sounds like he really can’t support himself to your standards and sounds like the guy you have fun with not the guy you settle down with. I’m sorry. I think the answer I’d pretty clear.

      1. He’s impressed by my drive, ambition etc but not inspired.
         I will talk to him to confirm all of these things but yes he comes off more as a guy you have fun with and not settle down with.
         There are things like he likes going to fancier restaurants but his friends don’t go to them at all, so he likes when we go and does insist on paying many times. But going from that to setting up a 401k is a bit of a leap.

         1. I don’t know what there is to “talk to him” about based on your original post and other examples. Like is he seriously going to say, in the face of a direct question, “no I have no interest in becoming more educated on finances.”

         2. But would you really want him to be “inspired” by you? Isn’t it enough that he admires you as you are instead?

            I don’t get the piling on of “dump him” for this guy, based on how you describe him.

            It’s okay to be less ambitious in terms of work, and only work for the pay check. It’s truly 100 percent okay, not a character flaw of any kind. Of course you might have ambition as a deal breaker, but it doesn’t really sound like you do, but more that you are uncomfortable with how he talks to his friends. (His friends do sound annoying.)

            It doesn’t sound like you have had any of the conversations about the future that might give you an idea of how he thinks about financial security, DAHD-ness or family roles. There’s no red flags in how you describe him, to me, but a tiny one on the friends.

   9. To your second question, Senior Attorney made a very wise comment on a dating post awhile back that went something like, there are three kinds of negative traits in a partner:
      1. Annoying but you can live with it
      2. Dealbreakers
      3. Things that will change
      Hint: there is no #3.
      To your first question, no one can really answer that but you. All the people on this thread can tell you is if those would be dealbreakers *for them*. I have to say that when it came to dating, I never really considered how financially savvy the men I was dating were. But I was also only truly attracted to highly ambitious, hardworking, super smart guys, so “knowing how a credit card works” was kind of table stakes. YMMV.

      1. Knowing how a credit card works has more to do with your childhood experiences with financial literacy than anything. My husband is highly educated and super smart (STEM PhD) who is extremely hard working and successful at his professional career, but he’d never had a credit card when we met. His parents gave him no financial education and he’s frugal and assumed using credit cards was irresponsible. He had never been taught that it you can pay the card off in full every month and earn rewards. My upbringing was the total opposite, I had a credit card and checking account in high school and learned how to use a credit card responsibly. But I don’t think it’s his fault his parents failed him in that way.

         There are a whole bunch of issues besides credit cards in OP’s post, but I wouldn’t read too much into the credit card thing.

   10. First of all, your note about him thinking people with more education/ “fancy” jobs are “elitist” would be a dealbreaker for me.

       But beyond that, both of your posts read like you’re trying to talk yourself into liking him after only four months! At that point in a relationship, my experience is that things should not be this hard. If me or one of my friends is questioning like this at such an early stage, it’s a sign that we’re just not that into the person for whatever reason. And it’s totally fine if you’re not that into him. I don’t think I would be based on what you’re saying about his lack of planning and the attitude about education.

       I would consider that people generally change because they want to, and not because someone else wants them to. Proceed as if he will continue as he is, unless he’s showing actual effort and evidence that he’s trying to make changes. If you’re not that into the idea of dating someone who’s 40 with the same traits as your boyfriend, I think that’s your answer.

       1. My first partner was like this. We were in our twenties. I see in hindsight that her critical attitude toward professional people was rude and immature and rooted in her insecurities. I put up with it for a number of years because it wasn’t a dealbreaker at the time, but if I had it to do over again I would have seen that trait as more of a yellow flag.

   11. My sister is a female version of your guy. 34, has nothing saved for retirement (but no longer in debt), works as a nurse and is “lunch in/punch out; works over.” She is fine with her current salary/job forever. She makes ~80-90k. She has lots of hobbies. She’s scatterbrained and has on occasion forgotten to buy plane tickets for major family holidays. She figured it out.

       Re: forgetting to buy stuff, many many people don’t really care. My younger siblings are both like that- if they forget something, eh, no big deal. I can’t live like that ;).

   12. Consider carefully if you’re falling victim to stereotypes about men out earning women. My husband earns less than me and I couldn’t be happier. Women who marry men that out earn them tend to also get stuck default parenting and having to make the career sacrifices, for good reason bc the men earn way more.

       1. I disagree that women who marry men who out earn them should be stuck default parenting. If both work similar hours but has a lower paying job they shouldn’t be forced to do double the work at home. It is a partnership for a reason.

   13. If you want somebody ambitious, so both of yourselves a favor and let him go ASAP.

   14. I have a friend who is with a guy kind of like this. Shortly after they met he had a work I jury that landed him on worker’s compensation and he was only too happy to lie around at home all day (and also hang out with his friends at bars in the middle of the day). Then when his workers’ comp ran out he somehow managed to get disability for a while but I think that has also run its course. He’s refusing to go back to work (he himself uses air quotes when he says he’s “disabled”) and she feels like she can’t kick him out because he’d have nowhere to live.

   15. These are the exact issues that cause people to get divorced. A super nice guy with different priorities. You think working hard is important, he doesn’t. You believe in saving, he doesn’t. You plan ahead, he doesn’t. You will end up resenting each other in a few years if you try to make a life with this guy.

3. I’m up for an internal promotion I am just not excited for, and realized late last night it’s because I’m ready for a new job. But my current job has cushy benefits and a ton of flexibility, and I woke up this morning to an announcement that my son’s school is closed for the next two weeks. I’m mentally struggling with trying to psych myself up for this promotion, while balancing that with a search for a new job, with the knowledge that at this stage in my life I desperately need flexibility and am not sure I’m ready to start building my credibility again somewhere else. Just screaming into the void but would love some thoughts.

   1. Take the promotion as a springboard. You don’t need to stay forever, but showing a history of advancement within the same company is a solid kudo for your resume. It’s okay to be ready to move on but to simultaneously not be ready for all the extra effort that entails; just prep your runway.

      1. This! I know so many people who got a promotion and used it to get an even better job, better tittle, higher pay, etc. Take the promotion and then aggressively job search in 3-6 months. This will ultimately help you get where you want to be!

   2. That all seems very reasonable. But I see no downside in going for and getting the promotion – seems like you’re a strong contender without having to put in a lot of extra effort and that advancement can only help your next job search, so doesn’t really matter if you’re not over the moon about it. I really relate to wanting to stay out for the flexibility though! This is a seriously tough time to be a working parent.

   3. A promotion is a new job. You might find yourself in a position with a lot more influence.

   4. Take the promotion. Also get a new job.

   5. I agree with everyone. Take the promotion, look for your next step.

      Also, if spend $$$ outsourcing, even if it is just during the school closure. Like meal service, laundry service, cleaning service, whatever!

   6. The promotion is a bird in the hand.

      The new job is two birds in the bush.

      And you know what they say about these things.

      1. The promotion now and a new job in the future aren’t mutually exclusive.

         1. Exactly. Take the promotion (bird in the hand) now. You might get the two in the bush, you might not. But don’t be foolish

4. I’m trying to decide on back yard furniture. We have pavers with little spaces between them. We have young kids. Do you think we would use a table and chairs or more like lounge chairs with a big coffee table more? I also have a concern about chair legs going through the spaces between the pavers or otherwise being hard to scoot. Thoughts?

   1. what’s your use case? Kids are playing outside before dinner and adults want a place to sit with a drink while grilling? Or you want to eat meals outside?

      We rarely used our family’s table and chairs for meals when I was a kid – the effort of getting all the STUFF outside for a 15 minute dinner was just never worth it, plus we lived in areas where when it was nice enough for eating outside, there were always gnats, etc. I think a couple of comfy chairs would have gotten more mileage.

      Do consider what you’re going to do with cushions either way. Even those designated as “weatherproof” are best stored somewhere when not in use, especially if rain.

      1. We had a similar scenario growing up – had a nice big table outside that we almost never used because carrying all the stuff outside was a PITA. Nowadays my parents mostly just use it to sit outside and read.

         That said, I now have a patio with both an eating table and an outdoor sofa, so I can do both!

         What AM I supposed to do with the couch cushions when it rains? I just bought the thing last summer and only take the cushions outside when I actually want to sit on it. That’s kind of annoying, but I have nowhere outside large enough to store all of them. They take up a lot of space inside too. How long will they take to dry if I leave them outside in the rain? Will they get gross really fast?

         1. Get a cover for the sofa, that way you just cover the whole thing when it rains and don’t have to bring in the cushions (though I’d still bring them in once the season is over).

         2. so, a restaurant around the corner from us had “all weather” cushions for a while. They left them outside.

            This year, all the furniture was replaced with a style that didn’t require cushions.

         3. I’d buy one of those boxes that doubles as a bench/coffee table and throw the pillows in there

         4. You can get a big plastic chest to keep the cushions in. Or you can just ditch the cushions like we did.

            1. webbing is the answer

            2. Sofa is wicker and would not be comfortable at all without the cushions. And I would need a GIANT plastic chest. But maybe I can find something…

   2. We have a table and chairs and use it pretty frequently during the summer, lunch rather than dinner, but I’m desperate for a lounge space. My parents have a couch and it’s so, so nice to sit and read. They’re in a warmer climate than I am (Portugal v Scotland) but I could wrap myself up in a blanket.

   3. How big are the spaces between the pavers? If they are not too wide, wooden chairs should work fine.

   4. I have and recommend Ikea Skarpo chairs and a coffee table. The legs won’t get stuck in the spaces between the pavers, there are no cushions to get moldy or move around, and they are super comfortable. At a minimum, you can still have light snacks/drinks outside without needing a table and you will get more actual outdoor time in a lounge chair. It’s not a huge investment, so if you later decide a dining table would be better, you’ve not lost a bunch of money. I also have a big Polywood table, but we use the lounge area much more often.

   5. You could go for a chair with a wider sled-style base – that would be more stable on pavers.

   6. We have a similar setup, although our kids are elementary age now. We’re in the Midwest.

      We originally had a table and chairs, and didn’t use it much. We used a Little Tikes picnic table way more – up until the kids were way too big to be using it. So at the beginning of the pandemic, we switched to a chair and coffee table setup, and have used it almost every day Spring thru Fall. We did have to get a deck box to hold the cushions, but that hasn’t been too big of a deal.

      We also got one of those pergolas from Aldi for $120 – the shade was key to us using the furniture every day. When it rained, we had to run out and push the canopy to the side and put away the cushions, but that took about 5 min each.

      We went old school and got those wicker paper plate holders, and now we can eat on our laps while the kids sit at the coffee table. We eat outside maybe a little bit more than we used to with the full table.

      Our chairs, couch, and coffee table have no feet, just a wide bar base. That helps them not fall into the spaces between the pavers. I can’t find our exact set but search Eisenbarth Wicker at Wayfair to see a similar concept.

   7. I’m in NorCal so pretty much year round weather. I have an outdoor dining table on a porch and lounge chairs with “deep seating” cushions deeper in the backyard on a paver patio. The lounge chairs are used 100x more often than the dining table area. They’re big and heavy and not meant to be moved around all the time, so the spaces between your pavers wouldn’t be a problem for them. Two of my six lounge chairs are rockers so they don’t have feet at all.

5. I need new underwear, and need help finding a unicorn. Me: short waisted, long flat butt, apron (fold over?) belly, size XXL for this. Undies: higher waist, high cotton content. Help!

   1. Soma vanishing edge cotton high cut briefs. You can’t go fully cotton you won’t get enough stretch

      1. I agree with Soma but I don’t like the vanishing edge. I like the embraceable brief. They’re 6 for $39 and come in an XXL.

         https://www.soma.com/store/product/Embraceable-Super-Soft-Signature-Lace-Brief/570292338?

   2. Duluth Trading Company. They’re amazing.

   3. Natori bliss full fit, or whatever they call the ones with the most coverage.

   4. Innersy brand (many style options). You can get them on Amazon. They are cotton with a tiny percentage of spandex.

      1. +1

   5. Check out Pansy or Thunderpants.

   6. Bombas. I forget which style but they are cotton with a lace stretch waist. Super comfy — I have replaced basically all of my old underwear with them.

   7. Jocky cotton high-cut briefs. Not sexy but insanely soft and all cotton.

6. People who have lots of energy, how….? Teach me your ways. I had a busy weekend — two social events Saturday that I really enjoyed and lots of errands and home stuff and a family bike ride on Sunday and this morning I just cannot muster up the will to do anything but sit on a soft surface and drink coffee in silence. Unfortunately, this is a busy week at work…

   1. One component to having energy is to rest! I’d be exhausted after all this as well. The key is to figure out what is restorative for you. Some people need to sit in a room alone with no noise to recharge, some need to catch up with a friend, etc.

      I also find I’m most energetic when I have a good mix of rest and productivity on my weekends. Like last weekend I cleaned out one closet and then did some creative stuff and also had some time where I just goofed off. If I just sit on the couch, I feel awful on Monday. Same when I fill every available moment with errands and activities (which sounds like what you did, which sometimes happens!)

   2. People are just wired differently. If I go all-out for a couple of days I will crash and be useless for the next day or so. If I have a busy week I can’t get anything done the next week.

      1. Same here. I’ve had to really learn how to plan even short breaks into busy weeks so I don’t crash and burn. I wish I weren’t this way, but I am. I don’t even necessarily feel “sleepy tired,” just mentally worn to a nub.

      2. This. My husband is genetically an energizer bunny. His 96 year old grandfather stills cuts the lawn, his 72 year old mother still goes for hikes. I am a genetic sloth from a line of genetic sloths. We have to make ourselves leave the house and psych ourselves up to do activities, even ones we’re looking forward to. I often need to rest after running errands! Sleep, exercise, and caffeine only help me so much.

         1. Is still hiking at 72 rare/unusual?

            1. It depends on what you call a hike. If you’re one of those people who thinks going for a 3 mile walk around the neighborhood is “hiking” maybe not so much. But most 72 year olds are not doing real hikes. My 70 year old mom still hikes but probably won’t be in 5 years and she’s fitter and more active than most 70 year olds I know.

            2. No. I’m 71 and I life weights, have a full-time job and a side business. I don’t hike bc/ walking bores me but I do swim laps. I get up at 4:15. I don’t think this comes to me naturally; rather, that I’ve willed myself into it. Who knows??

               HOWEVER. People are different (of course.) I also don’t dress like the schlubby boomers mentioned in one of last week’s posts, although I have seen people who do.

               Maybe the explanation is, we all tend to generalize from the very small set of the people we know/see.

            3. No, and being a hiker does not make one a high-energy person. I can hike just fine, but I can’t handle meeting friends for a hike + a bunch of chores and errands + other social obligations all on the same weekend. I need some downtime where no one is demanding anything of me.

            4. No, my parents (72 and 75) go on a hiking trip out west every year. This year they went to Grand Teton and did some serious hikes (Cascade Canyon and Surprise/Amphitheater Lakes).

               I do think that for many, aging is what you make of it! Absent major unavoidable health issues , of course

            5. I think it may be partly a social class thing. Where I grew up, it was unheard of (because people were falling apart physically in their 60s). Where I live now, it seems common (but people also eat better, have easier lives, and better healthcare access).

            6. It’s also a selection thing. No one notices when a 30yo hikes. Or 50yo. When you say someone is 75 and hikes or downhill skies or paraglides, it’s unusual. All the hikers that stopped or died before 70 or whatever are not noticeable. I follow a former big-law lawyer and author of “Younger Next Year” named Chris Crowley, who downhill skies at 82 but he is an anomaly with good genes, good workout history and he works at staying active.

   3. I think the people who have time and energy for a lot of social and family activities outsource most of their household work–cleaning, yard care, etc.

      1. This is actually me — I outsource cleaning and laundry, and live in an apartment where all maintenance requires is putting a note in the app that something needs to be done, but I haven’t figured out how to outsource picking up prescriptions, dropping off dry cleaning, picking out mother’s day cards, etc…

         1. Look into prescription delivery and dry cleaning that will pick up and deliver?

            1. +1. And for mother’s day cards, instead of getting paper cards (which does require a trip to the store, finding a stamp, trip to the mailbox, etc), I just ordered potted plants off Amazon, with a gift note included saying “Happy Mother’s Day”. The extra $20 was worth it to save the time. Click, click, done. And it’s actually a nicer gift!

         2. I buy boxes of blank cards whenever I’m at museum or someplace with pretty cards. I have a mix of cheerful and somber ones that feel appropriate for different seasons and I just use one of these whenever I have to send a birthday, Mother’s Day, sympathy, whatever card.

            1. +1

               I have tons of blank cards, blank birthday cards and blank congratulatory cards. I just pick one out and mail it.

               My pharmacy is on my commute home (so is my grocery store), so I run most errands on my walk home. If I can’t get it at Acme, CVS or Target, I order online.

               I rarely get things dry cleaned but when I go, it’s also on my commute.

         3. Switch to a pharmacy and dry cleaner near your office!

   4. So I’d much rather expend my energy on fun things than work things, so I wouldn’t have said “no” to any of the fun weekend stuff. In your situation I would be taking the opportunity to be chill and introverted in the pockets of space I had available to me this week and just try to recoup my energy where I could. I think it’s also important to know your limits – which may mean saying “no” to fun stuff if you know you have a big week coming at work and need to bring your A game to that. I don’t know if you’re a natural introvert – I am – and one of the things I’ve learned about myself is that as an introvert, I can still have FOMO that pushes me to sometimes exceed my own limits of energy. Usually I don’t regret going to things but I also then need to make a plan on how I’m going to recoup my energy and recharge my battery so I’m ready for whatever’s coming next. Meditation, honestly, helps with this a lot – a good 15-minute meditation session can make me feel like I’ve spent hours alone, rejuvenating. You might give it a try; there are some great guided meditations available on Spotify.

      1. “FOMO that pushes me to sometimes exceed my own limits of energy.” OMG, you described that perfectly.

   5. For me, energy is a muscle that needs to be flexed. Wgen I’m having a “lazy” week, it’s easy for me to not do much and feel exhausted, but when I’m busy it’s easy for me to stay busy.

      I work a hybrid schedule (4 days in office, 1 day wfh), I workout 5-6 days a week (currently am training for a triathlon), and socialize 5-6 times a week. For me, an object in motion stays in motion.

      Being as active as I am is definitely a balancing act:
      -I outsource some because I’d rather be at a bar with my friends than going home maintenance but my secret is really just making my chores/errands as streamlined as possible. It takes me less than 2 hours a week to do what I need to do.
      – I feel so much better and have more energy when I workout and eat well.
      – I try to have some quiet me time several (if not every) days a week. I usually do this by waking up early and taking time to read/paint/sit in silence.
      – I have a 30 min walking commute. Most of my errands are on this commute so I hit the grocery store/pharmacy whatever on my walk home. I akso use my walk to call family/friends ti catch up. If I don’t have time for a workout, at least im walking 1 hour a day.
      – I really prioritize sleep.

   6. I am reasonably high energy and assume (?) it has to do with LOTS of sleep + good nutrition + exercise. I sleep 8-10 hours every night, workout 6-7 days a week, eat homemade
      food that is high fat, high protein, ad loads of vegetables. And I gave up drinking, which has improved my sleep and productivity.

      1. +1

         When I’m making healthy choices (enough sleep, 6 workouts/week, drink water, eat lots of veggies/lean protein/whole grains and no junk, take some time every day to decompress) I have seemingly endless energy. When I don’t I feel like cr@p the biggest factor for me is diet.

      2. Well, all of that is a lot easier to do when you have an au pair and all the other advantages you frequently post about.

         1. Many people manage to do it without au pairs and other help though.

            A healthy, balanced meal can be bagged salad and rotisserie chicken and the workout can be the NYT 7 minute workout.

         2. Ha! I had zero childcare for 12 months (Feb ’21- Feb ’22) while at home with a one/two year old while doing my job so I guess you are selectively remembering whatever helps you dismiss me. Even now with the childcare we have had for the last three months, we have someone come in for twenty hours a week. I didn’t appreciate that having part-time childcare meant I was unrelatable. Or maybe my “advantages” are liking my job and my husband? My bad! Hope your day improves.

         3. Super unnecessary to be so snarky in this response. But I am glad we are seeing less of these type of comments on this board lately.

         4. Don’t do this. The reason why so many people comment anonymously is because many of us have had this experience of snarky posters following us around, bringing up things we’ve said in the past and using it against us. It’s a bad look, you’re doing it in bad faith, it’s bad, period. Just stop.

      3. When I work out 6 days a week and cook healthy food at home, I don’t have time left to sleep or energy to do anything else.

         1. I will say, there’s an easy way and a hard way to do these things.

            My roommate only cooks gourmet meals from a cookbook and only works out in small group personal training sessions at the gym. This means if she’s cooking a meal it’s at least an hour long process and her workouts are also always an hour (+ the 10 min walk to and from the gym).

            On the other hand, I pretty much live off of big salads abc grain bowls supplemented by healthy enough convenience food (Greek yogurt, oatmeal, chickpea pasta + sauce). Once a week I roast a ton of veggies, cook a protein and make a grain and then I assemble it into a salad when I’m ready to eat. It’s like 15 minutes to prep, I let it roast while I do something else, and I throw it all in the dishwasher to clean.

            I mostly workout at home (peloton app) or run outside. If I have an hour, I do a long workout. If I have 10 minutes, I do a Tunde arms class and that’s it. On Sundays my mom and I play tennis (so I combine a workout and family time).

            I need to eat well and workout to feel decent but finding the easy and convenient ways to do it are a must.

            1. 100%. Very basic protein, hands off and roasted/grilled, salads, raw vegetables, salad dressing made on Sunday, easy starch in the IP. I cannot juggle classes or gyms at all, it’s too much of a complication for me so I do 45 minute work outs off my Sweat app after I kick kids toys out of the way in the basement, between meetings, any time I can get it in. I will run or walk before kids wake up or after they go to bed. Nothing complicated!

   7. Idk I went to one event this weekend and I’m exhausted.

   8. Momentum!

      On Saturday I ran a half marathon, went straight to a post-race brunch with 2 friends, straight to hang with my friend and her baby (aka hang out on the couch and chat while baby sleeps), and on my walk home hit up the grocery store… and then once I was home I napped on the couch and ate take out and was in bed and asleep by 9pm.

7. Couples with separate finances and kids, how to do you manage the day to day? I just got married (for a second time), and we want kids ASAP, but because of things that happened in my first marriage and in my family of origin, I am very hesitant to combine finances. I’m working through this in therapy, but it might be a long time, if ever, that I’m ready to go single pot. We have a prenup.

   1. IDK what you each make but if it roughly even, kid has go to on someone’s insurance, usually at a decent cost. You pick who does that. Then you go 50-50 on the rest and the other takes on day care reimbursement (up to 5K) to offset that.

      OR, if unequal, split costs proportionately, but the person with the better insurance should carry the kid and you just work out the math.

   2. I think the simplest answer is a joint account. It doesn’t have to be all your money. But you both contribute proportionately to it, you both spend from it, because with a kid you have lots of joint expenses.

   3. We each pay certain bills and it works out. We are both frugal and savers, but have radically different money management styles (e.g., he tracks his investments; I’m “set it and forget it” and it stresses me to no end to track the ups and downs of my 401k).

      1. This us, exactly.

   4. You can open a joint bank account that you use for all household and kid cost, while still keeping your own stuff on your personal account.
      You do a rough estimate of what your monthly costs are, and fund the joint account accordingly. Most employers that do paycheck deposit, will be able to split the amount over several accounts. How you split that is up to you, we do it relative to our different salaries. You each have a card for the account to use for shopping and whatever. If you can afford to plan with a buffer, then the joint account is also able to cover things like car repairs, and it just takes a lot of the hassle away that comes from splitting expenses.

      1. “You can open a joint bank account that you use for all household and kid cost, while still keeping your own stuff on your personal account.”

         This is what we have and it works well. Our paychecks are deposited into our separate accounts, and then each person transfers the amount needed to cover daycare and household bills for the next two weeks into a shared account that bill payments are withdrawn from. We split costs by percentage of income and re-allocate every year after our raises are applied to our paycheck. We keep an overage in this account of about one month’s worth of bills, just FYI.

         One quick note. We have “yours, mine and ours” accounts but my name is on my husband’s checking account, and his name is on mine. I don’t manage or supervise his account inflow/outflow but I have full access to his account (and vice-versa for him). This is important because if something happened to him – like he gets into a bike accident and is hospitalized – I need to be able to access his account to pull out money for bills as his paychecks come in. We have money in savings that could cover this but it’s just a lot easier to make sure we’re the co-owner on each other’s checking accounts in case that’s needed at some point. We don’t have separate accounts because of secrecy; we have them because we feel it’s more fair and it just generally works for us. OP, if you choose to have separate accounts, do something to make sure you can access your spouse’s account in an emergency.

   5. One of my closest friends does this with her husband. They had a kid, broke up for several years, reconciled, then had a second kid. They alternate years covering the kids’ health insurance and claiming them on taxes. Seems to work fine for them.

      DH and I also keep separate finances, but we’re childfree. We each put X amount into a shared billpay account, and everything else is in our own accounts. Not only does it work great for us, but it was an unexpected benefit when DH worked for an organization with a completely incompetent HR who screwed up his paycheck constantly. He was always fighting them for backpay or overages, and having that struggle occur in an isolated account not involved in our household bills was a blessing.

   6. Hi, I was you 11 years ago. I let my first husband manage joint finances my first year of law school and it took a while to realize he spent most of his income and all of my loan money on booze for himself. Oops! Remarried now to a much more responsible partner, but after living for a few years on my own after my divorce, it took a long time to be comfortable with sharing accounts. I insisted on paying exactly half of groceries, utilities, and half of the mortgage he held from before our relationship, out of my own account that I didn’t share with him. He, at that time, made significantly more than I did so it was a little silly.
      Once we had a kid, we create a third account and each contributed 50% of take-home income, and from there we paid daycare, mortgage, and groceries. Now with another kid in the mix, and a change in incomes now that DH owns his own firm and his income fluctuates more, I contribute a higher amount but retain most control over bill-paying and investment decisions, which keeps me feeling in charge / less anxious.

      TL/DR: start sharing slowly, it gets easier with time and much easier with a real ‘joint’ project like a kid.

   7. I remarried last year and do 98% of parenting of my now 5 year old (and am pregnant with a second with second husband).

      I owned the house before him, and he just throws in a bit every month as quasi rent. Everything joint (my pregnancy stuff, food, groceries, trips, alcohol) goes on a credit card that I pay 55% of and he pays 45% (based loosely on income). It’s not all or nothing. I’ve also seen couples throw X% of their respective paychecks in to joint savings and checking for joint costs, and then keep 100-X% as personal money. Think about how you see this going with maternity leave (assuming you’re a hetero woman who plans to bear children), as well. You may not have as much to contribute financially for a while.

      1. Wow. Is he planning on being a father to your second kid? How’s that going to work

         1. I think I was unclear, sorry. I meant my ex husband just has our son for a couple hours a week (at best). I didn’t mean it as a dig at my second husband.

            1. Ohhhh ok gotcha!

   8. We’re roughly equal earners, and just split expenses. When one of us makes an expensive purchase, we trasfer money to the other. (Also a second marriage. We were both established professionals and keeping things separate just felt natural. Nothing says you have to combine.)

   9. We have our separate accounts and then a joint account that we both contribute $x to each month based on joint expenses (mortgage, utilities, childcare/activities, kids health costs, groceries, family travel, etc.). I will recommend this approach to anyone. It works great for us. My spouse makes more than I do and he carries insurance for the family and also contributes just slightly more to the joint account. If he wants to buy something pricey for his hobby, I don’t worry about it. Similarly, I can splurge on a trip with friends and it feels like I am something I am giving myself. I have anxiety around money and this has really been helpful for me. At the same time, neither of us is prone to spending frivolously and that helps too. We have a combined brokerage account as well.
      Another thing that we do is treat each other on dates. It is small and simple, but it makes us feel even more like we are on a real date.

   10. Write down all your monthly expenses and figure out how much it costs just to carry your household. Make sure you’re roughly equal on taxes (my ex h changed his withholding so I ended up paying most of our taxes 🙄) and are saving equally for retirement. Then you can either split bills – like one person pays the rent/mortgage and the other does all the monthly bills, or you can create a third joint account where you each put a set amount in for the month. After that, as issues arise you can decide how to split them on the fly, but all the expected expenses should be covered by the joint account.

       It’s good you’re keeping things separate since you have a prenup.

       1. +1 on figuring out your taxes – I’m pretty on top of my personal finances, but stupidly listened to my husband’s tax preparer who told us our withholding was correct once we got married, even though I suspected it was wrong. We ended up owing a few thousand the next year, which was frustrating.

          1. It’s not just the total withholding that you can get wrong. You also have to be very careful to set up the withholding so each person is having a fair share withheld. The way it typically works is that the higher earner’s withholding is set up as if that person is the sole earner, so they benefit from the lower marginal rates on the bottom brackets. Then the lower earner’s withholding is set up to pay taxes on the first dollar of income at the rate the higher earner is paying on the last dollar of income. It is very, very tricky to calculate the total amount that needs to be withheld, divide it up proportionally so each partner is having the same percentage of total income withheld, and then manipulate the withholding allowances to come out correctly. The alternative is to file separately, but that often results in a higher total tax liability for the couple.

8. Does anyone here have a CFA? Can you chime in on how hard it was to do while working FT and how helpful it was to you career-wise (and in which field)? I have found myself working in a quant-ish field and am doing OK, but have no quant credentials other than I learned quickly on the job (BA degree is in a philosophy and literature from an OK school). I’m just mulling my 5-10 year options. CFA? MBA? Just keep working? Sort of worried about peaking where I am and not being able to move up. Also expanding my network a bit.

   1. I’d do CFA. It seems like it opens a lot of doors for my investment colleagues. I’m an investment attorney and am making the slightly smaller (two exam) investment in CAIA instead, but in your case I’d go for CFA. I’d expect to have to retake a level or two, and just treat it like a part-time job for a few years, especially if you don’t have a quant background. But it’ll be easier to do now than in five years, so I’d start poking around at test prep.

      I don’t put much stock in MBAs, and it doesn’t seem like my industry does either. YMMV of course. I think it’s good for networking but it seems like you have that part down in a quant-ish field.

   2. If I could do it all over again I’d get the CFA in an instant. So much more valuable than MBAs in my transactional, niche finance world. MBAs are a dime a dozen (sorry?) where as CFAs make a candidate truly, truly stand out. I hardly even recognize MBAs on resumes anymore.

      The test is a grind but I’ve known a handful of colleagues who pursue it while working full time. They tend to take a week off leading up to the test itself and designate a certain day/evening each week as study night. In a job that doesn’t respect boundaries, we do respect Tuesday night study nights for the CFA, for example. I studied for the first test about 2/3 of the way there when I started a new job and couldn’t balance both (that I haven’t left now 10 years later, so it was the right call buttt… still) but if I was well established in my role and knew my company was supportive, I’d go for it without question.

      1. Thanks — are there any good websites to read (like is there Above the Law for CFA people) or overview books? I get that it’s hard and you often have to retake sections, but feel very swimming upstream here.

         1. The CFA books themselves are great. When I was trying to wrap my head around it I found someone who took the CFA a few years earlier and borrowed their Level 1 books for skimming. I also found some random websites (now 10 years ago-ish) that I don’t recall but had some tips and tricks. Now I think there are full on Princeton review type classes if you wanted to go that route.

            You’re also talking to a journalism and spanish major (might out me. but shrug) so I hear you on swimming upstream. I wouldn’t be shy about registering for a third-party test prep especially given your (and my) similar backgrounds – I think I would if I were to do it all again today. Plus, keeps you to a schedule and accountable. Might not need it for all levels but could be a huge help for Level 1.

            1. Oh, wow I don’t know anyone who did it without a test prep program. Impressive.

               I’d for sure do a test prep program, and make sure they allow you to retake for free (rather than just giving you access for one exam). My colleague did CFA and then layered CAIA on top (she gets to skip one exam) and her take was that Kaplan was the most structured but Uppermark had better substance. I think it probably changes pretty quickly. I’ve used both and found Uppermark to be sort of understaffed and late with stuff, but I found their lecturer WAY better than Kaplan’s. Also look for discounts, etc if you’re a first generation college graduate, in public service, a member of a professional association. Uppermark gave me a discount for being in public service, for example.

   3. I have my CFA. I’m a financial analyst, so it it is very relevant to my career. Based on your post, before diving in I would get more specific with what you want to achieve career-wise. The CFA is a huge time commitment for years, and to do that without being 100% certain (or at least, 75-90% certain?) that it would help or even be relevant to what you end up doing seems like a big leap to me.

      I did mine with a full time job. It is intense for the few months leading up to each test. Personally during those months I studied every day after work for a bit and all day every weekend. And to the poster’s point above, I took the week before off which my boss was supportive of. It’s possible I overdid it, but boy would I rather overdo it in the moment than fail because I wanted to go on a weekend trip a month ahead of time and have to do it all over again next year (saw plenty of people do exactly that).

      This was all years ago and I didn’t have kids yet, fwiw. If anyone reading this does have kids I have known some parents that did it also while working so it is possible; so it must be possible to pass without quite the hours I describe, and my hats off to them.

   4. I did my CFA while working in consulting involving investments. It was really helpful to my job to have the broad understanding provided by the materials and it gained me respect and confidence at work. I’m a pretty good test taker and have an econ background so it was not horrible but studying sucked up most of my weekends for the couple of months ahead of the test.

      I ultimately also went to bschool and feel the CFA designation helped me stand out and get into a top school. The MBA was totally different but also totally worth it for me and I think the CFA/MBA combo is great for business opportunities. CFA is pretty solitary and studying heavy. MBA is the opposite – you do not spend much time studying, but you make so many friends and connections and have access to so many job opportunities that you would not otherwise have. One last caveat, I think an MBA at a top school is super valuable but I think one from a lesser known school would not be as valuable, especially if you pay out of pocket for it.

9. Espadrille people: what are good espadrille brands? I don’t want shoes that shed or last just one season and ideally would get a buckle strap vs strappy ties. Also not anything $$$ like Sarah Flint’s (which are lovely, but out of budget).

   1. I’ve had good luck with Andre Assous espadrilles looking good for several years with heavy wear. Castaner holds up nicely too.

      1. My espadrilles that would not die were Andre Assous. I think they lasted 5+ years, and honestly I could have kept them longer. I was just sick of them.

   2. I have Castaner espadrilles I bought in 2012 and they are still in great shape. They are also SO comfortable!! Pricey but definitely worth the money.

   3. Look for espadrilles made in Spain.

      1. But know that espadrilles are basically exactly what you say you don’t want – one season shoes that aren’t that well constructed and rope soles generally shed a bit. Jcrew’s high wedge ones have lasted me a few seasons, though.

   4. JCrew’s wedges have lasted me like – 8 years and counting – of occasional & fairly light use (think – worn to the office on some Fridays, taken on beach vacations and worn to dinner, etc)

   5. I really like Toni Pons for espadrilles! You know that your regular “shoe guy” can repair espadrilles. I have had mine for three years now.

   6. Toni pons

10. We’ve been talking a lot about partner struggles lately, but what is your most annoying habit / non-serious reason your partner would cite in any future breakup?
    I leave lights on and cabinet doors open all the time.
    I can never remember the password for the online banking app, so I send everything to my husband to pay (my work city rent, my £10 yoga class)
    I’ve also not taken out bathroom recycling (shampoo bottles, soap boxes, face cream tubs) since we moved in December 2020. I’ve just been dropping it in an unused hamper. I decided today was the day, and rinsed everything, tossed lids, and I’m waiting for my husband to use the loo and notice the bottles drying in the sink. It’s laid bare my Ordinary/Beauty Pie habit.

    He is currently using his day off to prep the dining room for painting and is doing an ABBA singalong so I’m not the only annoying one in this relationship.

    1. This is the “pre-ransacked” look and my spouse does it. I would know if my singeton apartment had been burgled. In our house, I’d have to check to see if my drawers were partially opened or just the ones he uses. Maybe police are used to this?

       1. Haha! I was living in grad school dorms when my husband and I started dating and he walked in the first time and was like “you live like this?” Now he just follows me around collecting my used mugs.

          1. I have to ask – what is the reason for leaving cabinets open? It takes a second to close the doors!! My boyfriend leaves the upper kitchen cabinets open and the corner of those cabinets is just about eye level for me. So it makes me very testy to see all the cabinets open.

             1. I am a cabinet door leaver opener, honestly, it just doesn’t cross my mind as a to do. I am in autopilot but autopilot doesn’t include shut. I don’t have a better answer for you than that

    2. I’m a “stuff plopper” as in i out whatever I’m holding down on the closest surface.

       I’m also bossy and can be rude and short tempered to customer service reps.

       I swear I have redeeming qualities, too!

       1. Stuff ploppers unite!

    3. Me: I need everything to stay exactly where I left it, or I fly into confusion and despair. My memory is solely visual. Even the cat knocking something off a table makes me spiral.

       Him: he thinks he’s an epic beatboxer, and will not quit mouth drumming and clicking 24-7. In reality he just sounds like he’s spitting up phlegm in syncopation. It’s never-ending while he’s awake, and I have not paid attention to the television in literally years because it’s impossible to concentrate.

       If we were independently wealthy we would 100% be a Helena-Tim couple, living in separate but connected houses.

       1. Oh my goodness. The beat boxing thing would literally drive me insane. Do you think he might have tics or even tourette’s and he just uses the “beat boxing” as his masking mechanism? If he literally can’t stop, that seems highly likely. No biggie if it is, and then I might actually be more sympathetic. Otherwise….

    4. I usually immediately comment on something negative, even when I truly enjoy the thing. My mother did this, and I found it highly irritating for obvious reasons, but I do it anyway when I’m not being mindful. I would consider that a habit because I do it without thinking and it’s not necessarily reflective of my actual feelings.

       I don’t complain about things my boyfriend does for me, but if we’re watching a show (even one I love!) I’ll lead with something like, “I hate that couch in the background!” Just as an example.

       1. Hey sister! I am judgy af, which is fun when making witty comments about strangers. Not so fun when I judge people’s flaws while pretending I’m perfect. I get it from my mom, trying to be better!

       2. I get this. My mom and I bond over complaining, but I am very conscious of the fact that most people do not. It’s a little “wall of whine” I only scale when I’m with her.

       3. I love that you are self-aware about this, and have a sense of humor about it, but my husband is like you and … I hate it. I really, really hate it. Between his reflexive habit of pointing out the ONE fucking wrinkle in anything amazing and a teenaged daughter, some days I just feel like my only role in life is to get shit on, all day long. I try not to take it personally but it really wears on me.

          1. +1 This is such a toxic personality trait.

          2. THIS.

          3. I know I definitely lean negative, but I’m not sure that it actually bothers me more when other people are negative by default than when people are positive by default. Positivity has a lot of cheerleaders, but of course it does? Positive people cheerlead things they like!

             I think I view things as positive by default, and so the negativity has more interest to me as it’s the thing that stands out. When people comment on everything positive, it can almost feel like it’s detracting.

             I’m not arguing that I’m right or wrong; I just think it’s a huge leap to say that one way is inherently more toxic. Positive people can be exhausting too; people are just really different!

             1. I agree. And also, I didn’t expect to be told that I have a toxic personality trait when honestly answering what I thought was a question in good fun. I know this is an anonymous internet message board, but my feelings are a bit more hurt than expected.

                I try to be mindful of this tendency and said above that I don’t do this about things my boyfriend does for me. Everyone has stuff they do that’s not healthy and that some others might consider toxic in the right circumstance. Anyway, thanks to the others who admitted this and for pointing out that incessant positivity can also have a downside.

    5. I (likely) have inattentive ADHD and my husband constantly has to repeat things to me, especially if he’s said something while the radio or t.v. is on, or if I’m mid-task like dishes or meal prep.
       I insist on packing early for trips. Like, 3 weeks early.
       I take really long showers.

       1. Ohhh – I am pretty uptight about air travel. If I’m not at the gate an hour before boarding I am very, very nervous.

    6. Oh goodness, the open cabinets I leave in my wake would definitely be cited in our divorce proceedings! And then I would starve/die of exhaustion, because I am also incapable of going to bed on my own or feeding myself appropriate meals when no one else is home.

       1. Oh, and also, the shoes. While I theoretically recognize that there is a rack where they belong, in reality they go wherever I take them off. And maybe I take off four pairs of shoes in the bathroom before I recognize that perhaps they belong elsewhere.

    7. I leave cabinets open for him to walk in to.

       My ADHD seems to be particularly bad whenever I need to walk out the door, and I am eternally frantically looking for my phone (which I’ve placed inside the fruit basket) and my wallet (which is somehow in my box of cosmetics inside the bathroom closet) and my keys (which I stuck in a pair of pants and are now ruined in the wash).

       I start a new water glass approximately 5 times a day.

       1. Oh my goodness, I never know where my keys are. I found them on the hall cabinet the other day, which is definitely the very last place I would look, since it seems so sensible. I used to leave them in my shared office door, and my officemate who worked later than me would hide them in the kitchen drawer, because I could access the kitchen without a key.

       2. I was dating a guy for about 2 months. He spent the night with me. I got ready for work first and he used the bathroom to get ready after me. We left the house together. That night, I get home from work, go use the bathroom and every single drawer and cabinet door was open. 10 open in total. I dumped him that night. We all have deal breakers and that was mine (obviously there were other issues too but that pushed me over the edge).

          1. That would bother me from a privacy perspective, not a messy one. Going through other peoples’ cabinets is weird, just ask where you keep the floss….

       3. My electronic car key has been through an hour+, high-efficiency wash cycle 3x. It still works fine. Tip: open up the key immediately, blow dry with cool air from your hair dryer, and replace the battery. I apparently require repeated incidents before learn to remove my car key from hiking pants before laundering.

          1. Ha, good to know!

    8. My bathroom counters look like a disaster area, always. I tend to use whatever I need and just leave it out on the counter until it’s time for the housekeepers to come again (they’re here every other week) and it can get really hairball by the night before we’re due for a cleaning.

       I hate yardwork and will do a lot to avoid having to do any. I also don’t pick up the dog poop in the yard as frequently as I probably should, my husband does it 80% of the time.

       I am a cover-stealer in the winter and I am also super-picky about my sleeping environment and have to have it pitch-dark, which has meant some stubbed toes over the years.

       He has his peccadilloes as well, of course, but I’m realistic that I’m not the easiest person to live with. If he was a neat freak this relationship wouldn’t have lasted too long, LOL.

    9. My husband can’t get the words to songs right. I was trying to explain this to someone when he walked by singing the Beatles “ I want to hold your hand” except he was singing “I want know your name.” He 100% insisted this was the name of the song, that holding someone’s hand was too forward, especially when you don’t know her name!

       I’m fundamentally incapable of not looking directly at the person you’re whispering to me about.

       1. O_O Is your dude a time traveler from the Victorian era? Does he get the vapors from rap?

          1. Haha laughing about how he could mess up a rap song! I’m sure he thinks “gin and juice” is about Hawaiian Punch.

    10. I forget to buy key ingredients when grocery shopping to cook a recipe. I have forgotten the parmesan to make eggplant parmesan and felt so embarrassed bc it was in the dish’s name!

    11. He will divorce me for throwing away his junk mail (very clearly flyers, pamphlets, fake letters that say “VERY IMPORTANT, TIME SENSITIVE MAIL”)

        and for opening the blinds all the time (that then he has to close)

        1. My attitude on junk mail and the ilk: throw it away IMMEDIATELY because otherwise, you will lose things that are actually important in the melee. I refuse to do the emotional labour of sifting through it to find the date of a gala or a card with his uncle’s return address.

        2. What is with dudes and junk mail, calls, and e-mails? Mine called me at work freaking out over what was very obviously a scam. Trust me that the IRS does not need gift cards, Dave.

    12. The half-drunk cans of pop I leave in my wake. Also my shoes, tho I’m getting better and sweeping them up every couple of days.

        1. My husband leaves seltzer cans and coffee cups everywhere. I know my water glass habit isn’t great but at least they don’t grow things over night!

    13. Oh and also – I walk too fast.

        1. Ahahaha, I’m definitely the straight you – we both live in Indy and I’m guilty of everything you’ve mentioned in this thread.

           1. Oh how funny! If I see a well-dressed fast walker out and about I’ll be sure to do the Midwest nod and smile :)

    14. I have a neurotic blowdrying routine for my hair (and my hair clogs the shower drain).
        I don’t take the trash out enough.
        I have a weird neurotic hangup about parking – like I’m never sure there will be parking where we are going, I have to talk about options, etc.
        I load the dishwasher incorrectly.
        I have a tendency to say at 7 am on a Saturday when our 4 year old has just woken us up by pile-driving onto the bed: So! What’s the plan for the day?

    15. I leave shoes out all over the house. I think at this moment in time I have about 10 pairs of shoes just on the floor. I want to break up with myself for this habit!

        I also will create a pile of things for dry cleaning and then just never take them to the dry cleaners. Same for Goodwill or recycling. (This is my “do the thing” for this weekend though!)

    16. Me: I snore, I sweat a lot, and the hair I shed gets everywhere in the house. These traits would all be more endearing if I were a puppy dog. As for things within my control, I have issues with clutter. The dining room table has an ever-present stack of newspapers and magazines and I have more clothes than my closet can handle.

        Him: He is incapable of sitting in a room with me without talking to me. He cannot understand the concept of companionable silence. Since we both WFH, this means I basically never have a quiet moment while he is awake.

        1. I didn’t know my husband was a bigamist. Maybe it’s good he’s talking to you, too, because my ears are ringing.

    17. I appreciate the sentiment of this post and also find it hilarious how few people are actually able to carry it out.

        1. Agreed!

           I admitted to an annoying behavior above and someone responded to say that they hate it when their spouse does that. I agree it’s annoying! Which was the point!

    18. These are cute.
        Well, I put my shoes away, shut cabinets and take the trash out, but:
        I have always been hard of hearing and can never understand anything spoken at low (or even mid?) volume
        I can’t stand when people talk to me when I’m listening to music
        I ruminate constantly on things that other people said to me that day/week/whatever – and MUST talk about it with my husband to “make sure I’m not crazy”
        I don’t like to make plans but then ask him what we’re doing that weekend
        I am as stubborn as all h*ll
        And (probably goes with the above) it takes me forever to admit when I’m wrong.

        So, do I win?

        1. And oh yeah, I can’t multitask. Like if he starts talking to me while I’m doing anything – even something small like putting groceries away – I have to stop what I’m doing to engage in the conversation.

    19. I leave the lights on, although I swear I try not to.
        I say pretty much everything that comes into my head.
        I am a pretty big complainer, almost exclusively about nonserious things.
        At any given time I have a pile of stuff I have ordered online, waiting to be returned.

        1. I turn the lights out automatically, even when my partner just walked downstairs for 2 minutes and will be coming right back up the stairs.

    20. I never know where my glasses are. I am a stuff plopper. I have gotten the mail three times in our three years of marriage. I want to talk to process things he wants to quietly stew on and be done with. I have a LOT of plants.

    21. Ohhh I find cabinet doors left open SO annoying!!

        My husband would rightly say I’m messier than he is. Our house is pretty clean, actually, and I like a very clean kitchen and bathrooms, but I’m a clutter-y person so there’s always papers and books and some knitting and all the stuff I basically leave around to mark that I was there, like my dog pees on tree stumps along his wall.

    22. I am very bad at putting things away, such as laundry, shoes, books, dishes, etc. I force myself to do it periodically (like right before my cleaning people come), but I hate it. I also never close the bathroom door.

11. Tell me about at-home teeth whitening! I have a big event this summer where there will be lots of photos. While my teeth look pretty good (healthy and reasonably white), I’m interested in looking my best and considering Crest Whitestrips. Tell me your stories about how long it takes to see improvement, sensitivity, better brands or anything else that you wished you knew!

    1. I really like them. I have used regular and sensitive crest strips in the past, maybe 3x spread out over 10 years. Originally the regular were fine, but now they hurt. I switched to sensitive for the last time about a year ago, I thought they did a great job and didn’t hurt my teeth at all.

    2. They work! But do the slowest, lowest dose available on the market because they will make your teeth very sensitive. Take a few days off if you need to. The gel itself is also kinda gross (you will end up swallowing some of it), but it’s not harmful. I recommend doing them while you’re doing something else to pass the time – a big sink full of dishes, pile of laundry to fold, vacuuming the house – because you’ll be a clock watcher if not. I always needed to rinse thoroughly and brush my teeth to get all of the gel out of my mouth.

       If you’re doing a two week box you will see improvement within a week.

    3. I just asked my dentist about Creat Whitestrips last week and she confirmed that they are a good choice.

    4. They work great for general age-induced dinginess or for food and drink stains. They do NOT work on stripes or spots caused by childhood medication or childhood fluorosis. I tried to whiten away my spots, and just make the contrast worse.

       1. Have you found anything that does work for the childhood mottling?

          1. Bonding

    5. I really liked the Crest Whitestrips with the light!! Years ago I wasn’t a huge fan of the normal white strips (didn’t seem like they made a difference) but after a week of the light ones I definitely noticed improvement! I’m lazy though so stopped after the event I was doing it for.

    6. Crest Whitestrips! I did have some minor sensitivity problems if I used them every day, so I would give yourself a few weeks to a month to use them.

    7. I’ve been using Luminex and really like them – they work and no sensitivity which I have had with others.

12. Good morning! How are you all handling interactions with unvaxxed people these days? I have a few family members who refuse to get vaxxed. I am pregnant, and having trouble determining what is reasonable. I don’t really want to invite them to my baby shower, where every other attendee is vaxxed, and I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with them meeting the baby either. On the other hand, I am generally ok with indoor dining

    1. What does community spread look like in your area? I would honestly be more likely to ask everyone to rapid test vs. be focused on vaccination, given that vaccinated people can both get and spread covid (yes, I know it is less likely they will spread at least some variants, but still).

    2. I accept that there may be unvaccinated people in the world, but I do not voluntarily invite them into my life.

    3. I don’t care anymore. Anyone can get sick and spread it. My rule is don’t come if you have symptoms, then I’ll judge you, but I see the vaccine as the flu shot now.

       1. What are symptoms even? We are in full-on peak pollen now, so everyone is sneezing and coughing and gunky. Barring a fever or things that are unusual to the individual, I’m not even sure any more (yes, I took 2 test last weeks when I seemed more gunky than usual; I’m trying not to give the side-eye to anyone else hacking or sneezing).

          1. True, I agree with that. I’m talking about people who know they’re sick and not dealing with allergies. At the least, take a covid test before going to a party if you’re a severe allergy sufferer just to be able to give assurances.

    4. Oops, pressed submit too early, Mods can you please delete this comment? Thanks

    5. They made the decision to not be invited to gatherings or baby meetings. It’s fine.

       1. +1

    6. I was strict about TDAP to meet baby before baby has shots. A regular fever is dangerous for a newborn. If I was having a baby now, I would be strict about COVID shots too.

       For the baby’s shower, I don’t know. I’ve dropped all my covid restrictions and I’m regularly around unvaccinated people indoors now. The early variants seemed to have more dramatic differences in spread based on vaccination status, but it doesn’t seem to matter as much with the current variants.

    7. I am vaccinated and boosted, but quite frankly don’t care about the vaccination status of the people I interact with now that it is clear that vaccination doesn’t prevent spread. I do plenty of indoor activities with and without masks, and I would let an unvaccinated family members meet my baby and come to my baby shower.

       1. Vaccination absolutely helps prevents spread.

          1. Vaccination may *help* prevent spread, but it certainly does not *prevent* spread. You do you if you don’t ever want to be around unvaccinated people (which is fine, no judgment!), but I am just answering OP’s question about our risk assessment and how my family is dealing with interactions with unvaccinated people.

    8. If you’re pregnant I would at least get the second booster before being around any of those people. I had Covid while pregnant and the excessive coughing was a factor in developing a cystocele. If I could go back in time and prevent it I would. My case of Covid wasn’t serious and I was vaccinated but I am now left with a permanent and unpleasant side effect.

    9. for me this would be a no go. also – is your baby shower indoors or outdoors? do you know if you have any other guests who will only gather indoors with other vaxxed people? in terms of meeting the baby, i’d be even more certain about no unvaxxed family members. there was a post last week on the mom’s page about this if you want to read about what has to be done to a young child who spikes a high fever

    10. DH has some kind of needle phobia/bad interactions with vaccinators in his youth, so is very avoidant. I persuaded him to get the measles shot once our friends started having babies. Also tetanus, because he likes to (actually) garden. He also got the covid shots, but is on the fence about yearly flu shots.
        It’s not a new thing at all to ask people to take more care around babies and pregnant women.

        1. Since when is there a measles booster for adults?

           1. They switched from a 1 shot protocol to a 2 shot protocol in 1989, so people vaccinated before 89 didn’t get their second shot and may still want it now.

              People vaccinated before the mid 60s may have been vaccinated with a different vaccine altogether, and may want to get the modern vaccine which is better.

              1. But note that many people who were vaccinated before 1989 got catch-up shots in elementary school. I was born in 1983 and had two shots in childhood.

              2. Good point. I actually have no idea what my status is, so maybe I should get a titer sometime!

           2. he wasn’t certain if he’d had it (childhood allergies + woo-woo parents +not keeping track of his medical records through several moves). In those cases, all GPs I’ve talked to recommend just getting the shot to be sure.

    11. The same way I handle interactions with vaxxed people, i.e., no particular way. My family is done with masks, distancing, sitting outdoors, all of it. We’re back to our pre-pandemic normal except where required by particular venues.

        1. Same. We are fully done with everything and back to normal pre-pandemic life.

    12. Does your OB have any thoughts? I had a baby *just* before I could get my vaccine (very frustrating to not be able to get it while pregnant and of course now I have a 14-month-old that is still waiting on his vaccine) but our hospital had a protocol where the mother would have to be separated from the baby if she tested positive, as would the support partner (for me, my husband). Plus, I’d have to labor the entire time in a mask. There is a lot that you cannot control in pregnancy and then labor and delivery, but these were risks I was not willing to take… but that was a different time and I don’t know what your doctor is recommending currently. I will say that I have seen invitations (not even to a baby shower, but to wedding showers!) that say on the invitation, “for everyone’s safety, we kindly request all attendees to be vaccinated.” As for post-delivery, I am not a doctor, but my guess is that your pediatrician will strongly recommend the baby not be near unvaccinated folks – that was true not just for the Covid vaccine, but flu, TDAP, and shingles (for my parents). You could always ask your pediatrician now!

    13. You should ask this over at Corporette Moms. I’m a mom and no one that willingly didn’t get TDAP was permitted around my baby. I’d feel the same about Covid. I’m totally relaxed around unvaxd folks these days (my child now 6 is fully vax’d), but I would be a fierce defender of my baby if I had one. Illness is so potentially damaging to young babies. Family members that don’t get vaxed to be around new babies are completely the worst (caveats for those with allergies to shots or some other odd ball actual reason they can’t get vax’d).

        1. +1

    14. We still haven’t seen my dad since the baby was born because he refuses vaccination and first she was vulnerable and then I was immunocompromised.

        1. I’m so sorry your dad is being such a butthead.

    15. It’s your baby. You can make decisions about this that you’re comfortable with. When my kids were born, anyone who wanted to be around them before they had their own shots had to have a recent DPT booster and a flu shot. Even so, when my daughter was 2/3 of the way through her DPT vaccines she contracted a “mild” case of pertussis through “community spread”, which I am still mad about. She was just under 18 months old and was sick for 6 weeks. She coughed so hard she had broken capillaries around her eyes. And she got this disease that should be eradicated because some people started to think it was an optional vaccine. Horrible.

        If I knew which people in the community were unvaccinated, I would choose not to be around them. It’s the same for me with the COVID vaccine. Especially around an infant. You know which family members are unvaccinated so you can make this decision.

13. Good morning! How are you all handling interactions with unvaxxed people these days? I have a few family members who refuse to get vaxxed. I am pregnant, and having trouble determining what is reasonable. I don’t really want to invite them to my baby shower, where every other attendee is vaxxed, and I’m not sure if I feel comfortable with them meeting the baby either. On the other hand, I am generally ok with occasional indoor dining in my city with high vaxx rates, I’m not necessarily wearing masks in all indoor spaces like the grocery store. I’m attending weddings this summer and wasn’t planning to mask. So I am potentially exposing myself in those settings, but I’m having trouble with knowing these specific family members are unvaxxed and then sharing a much smaller indoor space with them. Thoughts? If it’s relevant I’m double vaxxed and double boosted.

    1. Personally, I would be okay with inviting them to my shower, but they wouldn’t meet my baby (and you can probably get your pediatrician to back you up on this). If you’re dining indoors, even in an area with high vax rates, then you’re definitely exposed to unvaccinated people.

       I had a baby over the holidays and we were firm on the vaccination rule. Unless these people are grandparents or other close family members, I wouldn’t give a second thought to not letting them see your newborn. And if they are close family members, then an upfront discussion is probably needed before the baby arrives.

    2. I’d be annoyed at them but would let them come to events. The vaccine does basically nothing to stop infection or transmission at this point (I’m quadruple vaccinated, before anyone accuses me of being anti-vax) and as you note you will no doubt have exposure to unvaccinated people at other events this summer. I would however insist on everyone masking and/or testing (ideally both) before meeting the baby. Honestly even if Covid magically ceased to be a thing, masks around newborns are probably a good idea because even a cold can be serious in a newborn.

       1. Please stop spreading false information. Vaccines absolutely help stop infection and transmission.

          1. They help some, but nothing like they used to. I wouldn’t unmask around someone just because they’re vaccinated if my goal was to stay uninfected. A lot of people aren’t boosted, and a lot of people’s boosters are waning.

          2. The vaccine efficacy is close to zero against Omicron if you don’t have a booster and a booster isn’t required to be “fully vaccinated” in the US.

    3. What would bother me is hanging out with people who are so ignorant and anti-science that they don’t believe in getting vaccinated.

       1. This.

       2. Thank you for describing my assorted family members. They’re not only dangerous to be around because they’re unvaccinated, they’re painful to be around because of their obnoxious, unfounded opinions.

          I’m just skipping it.

14. Has anyone dealt with treatment resistant depression? Or had a family member or close friend? Found out that’s what my SIL is struggling with, and I’m trying to figure out how best to support my brother in particular, who is quite stressed. SIL and I are not close. Brother and I are somewhat. They have young kids, but we have young kids too so providing support there can be tricky (one is a baby and we cannot take the kids for an afternoon or night usually because we both work full time and don’t have the space to sleep another baby for example). Meals?

    She also just signed up to teach a class on the holocaust in the fall. It’s her research area, but actual question for those with experience with depression – is this the sort of thing she should try to get under control before spending a summer reading up on the holocaust? That’s just one of the many things that concerns me. Not going to butt in, but it’s just another worry I have from the outside.

    1. Depression like thst isn’t triggered by reading about sad things. The person to support is your brother. Babysit the kids, give him some relief.

    2. Oh sorry, should have said Holocaust isn’t her research area. Ethics is. But really I’m most interested in the first paragraph of this question – how to support?

    3. Meals, laundry service, taking the kids out when you’re going somewhere like the zoo. My husband’s depressive episodes aren’t really related to what is going on, so I don’t think the class will make a difference.

    4. Are you concerned about her teaching the class because of the work involved or the subject matter? As a professor who has dealt with depression, I think you should trust her judgment on this. At least for me, depression has virtually nothing to do with being sad or “depressed” in the way people use the word casually to refer to their feelings about the state of the world. When I’m depressed, I’m just exhausted and have no energy to do anything and don’t want to do anything anyway because who even cares. But I’m not sad and studying “sad” topics wouldn’t have the slightest effect. If anything, prepping classes helps because it’s a nice concrete thing to do that engages me with other people.

       The best thing you can do for most people with depression is be supportive and make things as easy as possible. When you’re depressed, the slightest things become insurmountable barriers. Helping her with the things that are that are way harder than they should be will give her the space to work on feeling better.

       1. First, thanks everyone for confirming that the activities she’s doing shouldn’t be triggering – I appreciate the reassurance.

          What you said about “the slightest things become insurmountable barriers” rings incredibly true. I think that’s where I can really add value, trying to make things easy.

    5. I wish I had advice. I have basically lost both my father and my last BF to this. I was already mostly estranged from my father, but now that he has health issues that make him.somewhat my responsibility, it is terribly frustrating to try to deal with his lack of communication. I am heartbroken over my BF and fear self-harm, which makes the inconsistency of communication from him all the more complicated.

    6. Your comment about her class teaching is really gross. You aren’t a therapist so do not wring your hands over what is and is not a trigger for her.

       Stay in your own lane. Figure out why you are this emotionally involved in your SIL’s life.

       1. So you think the OP should not wonder about and then ask questions about something she does not understand and accept the answers when she gets them, as she has done here? Or is it gross to offer assistance to a family.member?

          1. I think that she should trust the actual licensed psychologist, the one evaluating and treating SIL, to advise on triggers. Further, I think it’s completely gross and discriminatory to suggest that someone with a mental health diagnosis can’t do her job.

             Finally, I think you and the Anon below need to learn to think a step or two ahead. What would the OP do if randos on the internet say that teaching the class is a bad idea? Get in her SIL’S face about dropping out of the class? Make a bunch of comments about whether or not she’s discussed this with her therapist? Harangue her brother? Genuinely curious here. Oh wait, I know the answer – “gently suggest that it is a bad idea,” and when said not-at-all-subtle suggestion is smacked down (as it should be), get big puppy dog eyes about how haaard it is to support SIL.

             You are not a licensed therapist – stay in your lane.

       2. Agree with anon at 11:48. Can we please give people a little more grace….

          1. I am giving grace – to the woman who is doing hard, impressive things with a diagnosed disability.

    7. I have experience in this. Or rather a lot of unfortunate experience in this. It is really, really difficult. Definitely focus on supporting you brother any way you can whether it be babysitting, errands, or just a non judgmental ear. He will need a lot of physical help by way of just getting things done and emotional help. Don’t just text him and say I’m here for you. If you live close enough, say I’m coming over this weekend. What day works for you. Depression is a beast. This is why I also get so annoyed when people talk about their gratitude journals, warm lemon water in the morning and meditation. It’s BS for people like your SIL.

    8. I would be more concerned about the massive effort involved in preparing a new course than about the subject matter. But it is kind of weird that you are worried about the specific courses she’s teaching if you aren’t close to her.

       1. What is with this snarky comment? The OP is concerned about a depressed person teaching a course about one of the most depressing subjects. The concern reflects a misunderstanding of depression but it’s not overstepping or nosy to wonder about whether the choice is perilous.

          1. I don’t think this is snarky at all. I’m the professor who posted above, and prepping a new class is a huge amount of work, which is really daunting when depressed. But I personally find it easier than other parts of my job, because it’s concrete, with fixed deadlines, whereas most of my other work is open ended and can be nitpicked forever as I anticipate all the reviewer criticisms.

             1. The first sentence of the response is dead on. The second sentence is super snarky.

          2. It is overstepping; we all know this doesn’t end at “wondering.”

    9. My wife has treatment-resistant depression. It is a huge challenge and a major test in our relationship (even more so than her tr*nsition, frankly). However, there are options out there beyond SSRs and talk therapy. Here are a couple things my wife has tried – maybe you can suggest them to your brother and he can help SIL look into them.

       – Ketamine – search for IV ketamine clinics in your region. Some people report really dramatic improvements after just a few sessions. Downsides – $$$$, time consuming and not covered by insurance. There’s a growing body of research on the use of other psychedelics in depression treatment, so there will likely be more options in the coming years
       – Tr*nscranial magnetic stimulation – my wife has had pretty good results with this. Downsides, $$$ but sometimes covered by insurance, time consuming

       1. I would be very careful about recommending Ketamine. It has been quite disappointing for most people, insurance doesn’t cover, costs a fortune, and in the end will likely be dismissed.

          I have a distant family member that has resistant depression and the ketamine literally worked like for…. a couple hours?!?! And was that even real or just a placebo effect? Who knows. His family could not afford it and had to go through the stress about how much they should retry it, in case it works… for a few hours longer?!!?

          It’s just very very sad to see people who can’t afford it (and people who can afford it!) wasting so much $$.

          1. There was an author a few years back who wrote about how the ketamine she was given as an anesthetic during her c-section caused psychosis.

    10. I suffer from severe depression, and it would be SO strange to me if my SIL with whom I’m not really close reached out and tried to help. Like another poster said, depression isn’t about typical “sadness.” Imagine waking up and the thought of going to the bathroom, brushing your teeth, doing your hair and makeup, and putting on clothes feels like Too Much, that you just can’t bear to complete all those tasks, that the effort needed is just too much, so you lay back down and hope you magically acquire the energy to do so – that’s what depression is. And that’s just the simple start of your day.

        Just because you’re now aware of your SIL’s depression doesn’t mean that anything’s new in her life – she’s had depression for years or maybe decades and knows her coping techniques. You can’t help her feel better, feel like it’s not too much to shower.

        The question is to ask your brother what help HE needs. Because when I can’t bring myself to get out of the house, grocery shopping falls on my husband, errands fall to my husband – more ends up on his plate.

        1. Isn’t that how I framed the question though? How can I support my brother was the question. I’ve been aware of her illness for years, but it’s gotten worse post partum and their needs for support have increased.

           Regardless, many of these responses have been helpful, and I really appreciate the input and everyone’s thoughtful replies on what I know is a sensitive and triggering situation.

           1. If this is PPD, your brother needs to take a long, hard look at his own behaviors and attitudes. Is he pressuring her to BF? Is he truly taking on whatever responsibilities she needs him to take on? That could mean taking responsibility for some of the sick kid days and pediatrician visits, or it could mean hiring a cleaning service and cooking all meals himself so she has bandwidth to deal with the sick kid issues. She is the one whose body has been through the wringer, so she needs to be able to call the shots on what kind of support will help her most. Clueless husbands and those with unrealistic expectations are a huge contributor to PPD.

           2. I mean, your question was judging her professional choices . . .

        2. I think some of this is the depression talking (speaking as someone who has had depression). It should not be strange for a family member or friend (even one you aren’t close to) to offer to help when they find out the depths of an illness you’re struggling with. Perhaps nothing has changed for the SIL, but the OP has learned new information and wants to support her brother and SIL. That’s really not strange. That’s a very normal human reaction. People write in here all the time about what to do when they find out a colleague/acquaintance/family member is ill, because they have an impulse to help. Maybe she can’t help her SIL with showering and brushing her teeth (or maybe she can! who knows, but I don’t get the impression that’s what she’s asking about), but she can help take care of some household or life chores that SIL can’t bear the effort of doing and that are a lot for brother to handle on his own.

           1. Did you seriously tell me that my depression is the reason I wouldn’t want my SIL who I talk to like 3 times a year to start offering to go grocery shopping for me? Uh, no. The reason is because we don’t have that type of relationship. I DO let my close friends and my mom help in that way. This SIL may well have a support network – we just don’t know anything about it, and the OP needs to recognize that – because she and her SIL don’t have a close relationship and she and her brother are only “somewhat” close – her offers to help may be turned down like they would be from a neighbor. My SIL is a perfectly nice person, but I’m not going to invite someone into my life that I’m not close with just because we’re tied by marriage, anymore than I would a friendly neighbor. I’ll handle it with close friends and family.

    11. My experience with treatment resistant depression was that it was just a misdiagnosis. If antidepressants make everything worse, it doesn’t always mean that you “just haven’t found the right med yet.” It can mean that depression was never the issue in the first place.

    12. What’s not been said is giving your brother whatever assurance he needs that he’ll have your support if he decides to leave. I spent too many years with someone like your SIL before I gave myself permission to leave. It’s a lot and he deserves a happy life too.

    13. Woah, you need to slow right down. You should not be meddling in her job. Why don’t you ask your brother the best way you can support him and his wife.

15. My old PDF reader/annotator seemed to have disappeared. Anyone have a rec for ipads? Ideally one which syncs with OneDrive?

16. Has anyone talked their doctor into prescribing birth control with estrogen in your 40s? I am suddenly finding myself needing to deal with BC after being without it for many years and since I somehow still have acne at this stage of life, I really do not want progestin-only options. I would have surgery if I didn’t have a high deductible insurance that would make the full cost my responsibility. I am terrified of an IUD as someone who has avoided any negative symptoms of menstruation since college. What other options are there?

    1. I’m still on the nuvaring in my early forties. At some point I’ll probably stop or switch to an IUD, but I have some other health things going on right now where it doesn’t make sense to mess with something that’s working and potentially complicate my other issues. My understanding is that if you don’t smoke and don’t have other cardiac risk factors, it’s still relatively low risk until around 45 and my doctors have been fine renewing my prescription.

       1. I am 48.

          My current doc has refused to consider anything with estrogen since early 40s. I have reluctantly accepted the minipill Rx each year but never took it.

          1. Huh, I think you can doctor shop, I’m still on the same combined pill I’ve taken since my 20s (also 48) with full doctor support and the idea that it’s the best way to deal with menopause.

    2. “I am terrified of an IUD as someone who has avoided any negative symptoms of menstruation since college.”

       Dunno if this helps but with my Mirena IUD I have no periods at all, I barely remember what it’s like to have one. I am having hormonal fluctuations that are more perimenopausal than cyclical (I had a doozy of a hot flash yesterday, whew) but no bleeding, cramps, etc.

       1. Me too! No periods since the first one after insertion? No memorable discomfort from insertion. No side effects generally. I’m 46, got it at 41 after DD2. I’ve had hot flashes here and there, but not terrible. My GYN highly recommended an IUD bc I have a history of migraine with aura so BCP is contraindicated due to stroke risk after 40.

    3. I am turning 50 on Friday, and since my blood pressure is on the low end, and I don’t have other risk factors like smoking, my doctor says it’s fine to continue on the pill until I’m 53. I take a regular low-dose pill. Doctor hasn’t required any convincing, so you may find that your doctor is fine prescribing.

       1. Good to know. I am without risk factors and have low BP also.

    4. Get an IUD – it’s awesome. 2 minutes of misery for 7 years of don’t-have-to think about it (both for menstruating and birth control).

       1. Do you not have symptoms/side effects at all? The lists I have read scare me. Not the implantation, but afterwards.

          1. I am on my 2nd IUD – so I have had one for about 8years now.
             No side effects aside from having no period. I do sometimes get a bit of monthly breast tenderness etc.

          2. Generally speaking, a copper IUD increases flow, while a hormonal IUD decreases flow. That’s not universally true, but it’s pretty common.

             1. I think this is the issue — a hormonal IUD uses progestin, which is what I am avoiding. The copper seems to create menstrual symptoms I’d prefer to avoid, also. Maybe I should just take the minipill for a month or two (I have years’ worth in my cabinet!) and see if it affects my skin as I think it will. The irony is that I was being required to get BC because I was on meds for my skin but the gyn wouldn’t give me a BC option that won’t make my skin worse. Also, if my skin gets really bad on the BC, I probably won’t need to be on it.

             2. I was on a progestin only pill for about 5 years before getting the mirena IUD. I have fewer hormonal side effects from the Mirena (including clearer skin). Dose is much lower and localized vs having a whole body effect. I think the study that someone posted earlier outlines that.

          3. Also ask if you’re a candidate for the tiniest hormonal one (both physically and dosage wise), Skyla. There are now (at least) three hormonal IUDs. Skyla is marketed towards teenaged girls and women who have never given birth, but I used it as an early 30s post-vaginal birth mom. I think the lower dose ones are less likely to lighten your period, but also less likely to have the knock on side effects. I think you have to make sure you’re in the weight range to get the maximum effect, like with Plan B.

             1. Thanks.

          4. Also if you’re worried about progestin side effects, check out the relative serum levels by googling for this study 33006493 (Comparative pharmacokinetic analysis of levonorgestrel-releasing intrauterine systems and levonorgestrel-containing contraceptives with oral or subdermal administration route)

       2. I had fewer side effects from the IUD than from the Pill. Basically only one that counted: My period went away. Yay!

    5. Your objections to IUDs seem illogical and not based on science. What does your doctor say? I personally love my copper iud but I love my doc more and I’m sure she’d have good idea for you if an iud was not your thing. Find a good doc and stop reading weird stories on the web? (Neuvaring was great too but it made my hair fall out. Hormonal BC is not for me). Also we can be pre menopausal in our 40s – you should get a doc that’s good with menopause bc in our 40/50s we are not the same as teens/20/30s.

       1. I haven’t read “weird stories” on the Internet; I read the most basic list of common side effects of a copper IUD, which include heavier periods, longer periods, spotting, and cramping during menstruation. I haven’t had any of those symptoms since college, so I’d prefer not to pick them up now (by choice) in my last few years of menstruating.

          I do intend to doctor shop for someone to help me navigate the next stage, and the comments here will help me with my next visit(s). That said, menopause is the very opposite of my immediate concerns.

          1. Um early menopause makes your period heavier bc of too much estrogen. Yeah I think you need to schedule an extra long session with your doc.

    6. Have you considered Slynd? Daily dose is 4mg drospirenone, no estrogen. Drospirenone is anti-androgenic, so it’s unlikely to cause acne. And the missed pill window is similar to traditional COCs, so it’s more forgiving in terms of timing than other no-estrogen pills.

       1. Thanks for this suggestion. I will certainly ask about it. It looks like people have mixed results with this, and it may prevent me from taking the spironolactone I want to restart (which requires a companion BC prescription!), but I’ll consult a professional.

    7. I stopped taking BC pills many years ago because of impacts to my sex drive. Now that I’m in my mid-40s and entering perimenopause, I’m thinking about getting a hormonal IUD to manage symptoms, but I’m wary that I’ll experience the same drop in libido that I did with pills. Is this a fair concern, or are there different hormones involved in BC vs. an IUD? Is there a certain IUD to look for, that doesn’t have (or has less of) whatever hormones are associated with decreased drive in BC? I feel silly even asking this – I should have a better basic understanding of my own biology, I recognize – but I’ve tried researching myself and am still unsure.

       1. Progestin-only BC is said to have no effect on or possibly to increase libido. You can get progestin-only pills, but also shots and hormonal IUDs use it. What I want to avoid might be what you are looking for.

    8. Also – if you are looking for BC only, maybe you’d be better off with options which are completely non-hormonal?
       Condoms, Cap etc.

       1. That’s generally not accepted if the BC is required because the primary, wanted medication will do bad foster damage if there is a chance pregnancy.

17. Is it worth being in person for a parent’s doctor appt vs just calling in? My dad had bypass surgery on his heart last year and two of the grafts are now occluded, so we’re going to talk about what his treatment options are Friday morning. I am currently coming back from a work trip Thursday night but it’s really inconvenient and I’d prefer to extend. My dad is 77 but super active, otherwise in good health, and I don’t think that he really needs me there. I just generally prefer to go and I think he prefers it to. I’m a only child and he’s single.

    Would you just call in to the Dr appt and come home later?

    1. This sounds like a serious and potentially scary conversation (heart surgery?), and since he’s single and no one else will be there in person, I’d do my best to be at the appointment. I just think about what I’d want, and I think I’d want someone there in person with me to completely understand the options and help me make decisions. Also, there can be so much body language and non-verbal communication you can see from your father and the doctor during this type of conversation.

    2. I would go in person.

    3. Are you even allowed to go? My doctors offices still don’t allow anyone to accompany patients, though I’m sure there are some exceptions. When I took my husband for a colonoscopy, I had to wait outside for 2 hours, no other options.

    4. I would absolutely go.

    5. I’m allowed to go in, we’re in Texas so have to wear a mask in the hospital but otherwise I’m not aware of any restrictions.

       Thanks for the quick reactions, I’ll plan to be there in person!

    6. When my friend (only child) had a work trip, I went to a similar appointment with his mom.

    7. I would go in person for this one which sounds like it will cover a lot of detail and have room for questions and you will want to hear both your dad and the doctor. I’m in a sort of similar position with a parent that I live a full day of flying from and I go in person for new doctors/big changes, and call in for the other appointments because it is hard to hear everything when conferencing in.

18. DC people:

    What is the current mask rules if you are flying into DCA, taking the metro into DC, and going into offices? I realize that I’m in VA and DC and there may be different rules in each place. And customs. Also, are lunch spots generally open or is the whole Farragut West area pretty dead? Haven’t been since 2019. Thanks!

    1. Welcome! Custom is mask on transit, not in offices or restaurants, store vary. Lots of lunch places are open. My favs are Leb Tab and Teaism.

    2. I don’t know about metro, but there are no mask mandates in VA (R governor) or DC. Some individual locations you visit may request masks for various personal reasons, but there are no mandates. Lunch spots at my office near the White House have reopened. People are wearing masks according to their own comfort level (at Costco yesterday in Alex, it was maybe 50/50 masked/unmasked).

    3. There are plenty of lunch spots but less than pre-pandemic. Mandate was lifted on the metro but commuters mostly still wear masks. Tourists/residents on the metro are a mixed masking bag.

    4. So basically no rules anywhere now in DC/N Va but most places tend to be 50-70% masked if it’s locals. Expect that number to be much lower if you’re in tourist areas (or on the metro at a non rush hour time and there happen to be many tourists) + near the universities though depending on when you’re coming, a lot of that 18-22 crowd is leaving for the summer in the next 2 weeks and while summer interns descend, they’re scattered around the city.

19. Oh goodie, it’s the Monday before Mother’s Day, and once again I have forgotten until it’s too late for shipping.

    1. I didn’t realize Mother’s Day was so soon! I thought I had more time!

    2. ? Amazon has a ton of stuff that can be shipped by Sunday.

    3. I just do flowers. Easy and I never have to think about what to get.

    4. I always do Hand and stone gift card + actual card.

       But, 6 days is plenty of time for Amazon shopping.

    5. I hate this week so much, I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t know why my freaking cell phone carrier need to send me a mother’s day text message this weekend.

20. How often do you replace clothing you wear daily and wash after every wear? Socks, undies, tees, et cetera? DH and I got a water filter and softener system installed last year, but I still feel like our wardrobe staples turn into rags much quicker than the norm.

    1. I can’t remember the last time I threw something away because it was just too worn out other than stockings and trouser socks that had holes at the big toe. I retired some workout leggings after wearing them weekly for 16-18 months.

    2. I think fabric quality is a big factor here–it seems to have gone downhill across the board in the last 5-10 years, which makes it more difficult to compare how long things last to how long they “should” last, or how long they used to last.

    3. I can keep high-quality cotton tees and underwear going for 2-3 years of weekly washes before they start to get grungy or fall apart. Lower-quality stuff and cotton blends don’t last as long.

    4. the only constant I have like this is towels, because I don’t have anything else I really put through the same daily challenge (like, I have a few weeks’ worth of undies so only wash any particular pair once, for every 3 times I wash the same bath towel).

       Towels usually last 4 years or so before getting holes.

    5. I skip the dryer for everything but sheets and towels, which makes a huge difference. I have a great set of little plastic hangers with clips on them for drying socks and underwear without taking up too much space, and most of my shirts I throw in the dryer for 2-3 minutes and then dry on hangers, which also minimizes space and is no more work than it would be to hang them after they’re dry. Pants and my most delicate shirts/sweaters go on a drying rack. My cats’ claws and my general klutziness still conspire to wreck my clothes and sheets, but even with very, very hard water, the laundry doesn’t seem to do much damage anymore.

       1. +1. DH jokes that he doesn’t know why we have a dryer because I insist on doing the laundry and hang drying almost everything except sheets and towels. As a result, most of our clothes get disposed of because they’re out of fashion or don’t fit rather than because they wore out (other than socks; they get holes despite my best efforts). I think the dryer is really hard on clothes.

          1. +2

             I do the same. It is amazing how much color fades with drying in the drying. Nevermind the shrinking, puckered seams etc… as quality is so variable.

       2. +1 not socks and underwear, but I hang dry all “outside” clothes, including my kids’ clothes. I was recently folding a relative’s laundry, and I couldn’t believe how worn everything looked compared to my clothing.

    6. Once a year around my birthday, I evaluate my underwear and bras and replace as needed. I do the same in the fall for my socks. Most of these items last 2-3 years, and I have about 10 days worth.

21. Can anyone help me understand whether to use a legal recruiter? I’m looking to leave my current situation and I don’t know if it makes sense to go it alone or try to use a recruiter.

    I’m more senior than is ideal for making a move (more than 10 years out, made partner at a non-biglaw firm but no portable book.) Staying where I am now is not an option for some reasons that are too specific to explain without outing myself.

    I know I’m probably going to be seen as too senior for the only jobs looking to hire someone with no in-house experience and no real portable business. I graduated top of my class from a good school, etc., but realize that probably no one cares about that at this point. I realize I’m in a pretty bad position, but I obviously can’t go back in time and handle my career differently (or I totally would!)

    1. This ended up much more whiny and negative than I intended! I promise I have a more positive spin on my story that I will give any potential employers, haha. I was just trying to convey that I have realistic expectations about my situation

    2. You can talk to a recruiter but honestly I’ve never found them helpful beyond years 4-6.

    3. What are you thinking about doing next?

22. I have a chance to buy a condo from a family member and could use varying perspectives on whether to do so.

    Unit is owned by a family member, will sell for $320K. HHI of around $110K & we could probably only put about 5% down. Condo is in good condition, owned by family for decades, low HOA and a terrific location with low inventory. We live in another geographic area right now in a 3bd 2ba, but have to relocate regardless this summer. The issue is the unit we might buy is a 2 bd 2.5 ba for a HH of three adults. I work FT from home right now and we’re TTC within the next year, so I’m concerned that we’ll miss having a third bedroom.

    That issue notwithstanding, I still think the purchase would’ve been a no brainer at an interest rate of 3%, as mortgage would’ve been less than current rental rate ($2.2K/mo). I would’ve felt fewer compunctions about selling within a few years in that case. With interest rates shooting up, I’m not so sure anymore. If we don’t buy, we would likely rent because it’s a hot market with low inventory, and I expect rent from anyone other than family would be around $2.4K. On the other hand, YOY increases in rent make locking in a mortgage somewhat appealing….

    Thanks in advance for your advice.

    1. Why are you a household of three adults?

    2. A couple follow up questions: Maybe it’s not our business, but what’s the relationship with the third adult? Trying to figure out how that affects bedroom allocation, etc. would you be buying a place without this offer? Add 15% to your mortgage/taxes for vacancy and repairs, how far out of pocket would you be if you ended up renting it out?

       For me, knowing that maintenance has not been deferred and that there aren’t problems with the building or with the unit is worth a lot, since I’ve for sure been burned before. I think if you’re WFH long-term, you may not want to rely on a real home office anyway, depending on what you’re thinking for childcare.

       1. Elderly relative!

    3. I would never in a million years buy a 2BR home for three adults + planned baby + WFH.

       1. +1 this sounds like an actual nightmare. I have a rule of thumb that you can generally make due with one less bedroom than you’d want. In this case you’d want at least four bedrooms right? (Couple, third adult, baby, home office) so you could maybe make due with three. But two is untenable with both the baby and WFH in the mix.

          1. Appreciate the honesty! I don’t think we’ll be able to afford to rent OR buy a 4 bed in the area anytime soon, so I guess I have been thinking of three beds as our ideal, but this is helpful reframing.

    4. I think you should take a hard, hard look at your finances. You have a HHI of 110k and can only come up with 5% and are likely to add a baby to the equation. Absent other context, that looks like a recipe for becoming cash poor/house rich unless you can get your savings up and expenses down, no matter what home you decide to buy.

       1. Spouse is in training & will increase our income by $50K/yr within the next three!

          1. Then don’t lock yourself into a too-small condo now. Rent and buy a bigger condo when that income bump happens.

    5. I don’t understand. You currently have 3 bedrooms, and use one of them as an office. You (and your partner?) sleep in one, and a third adult sleeps in the other? So if you buy this condo, you will have neither an office nor a potential nursery for baby. Baby could sleep in your room for first year, but after that you’d either have to move again, or kick the third adult out. Seems like a no-brainer… this is not the condo for you.

    6. Are all three adults likely to remain in the household for the long term? I do think you are going to miss a third bedroom, especially if you do have a child, and selling quickly will knock out the benefit of “locking in a mortgage.”

       A lot of people will tell you that having only 5% down means you can’t afford the home, but I don’t automatically subscribe to that. There are a lot of considerations around that. Five years ago, I bought a house for $320k and put 5% down and it has been fine because all of the major systems — HVAC/plumbing/appliances/roof/siding — were new at purchase, over time I was able to put some money away to prepare for an emergency, and my equity is well over 20% now. Continuing to rent would have been a terrible financial decision for my personal situation. Interest rates were better then, though, for sure.

    7. That condo is too small for your needs.

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