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Weekend Open Thread

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woman wears black blazer with a blue denim collar and plackard that is actually a dickey (not a full denim jacket)

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Veronica Beard has had a lot of dickeys that are on the more casual side (hoodies galore!) — and I like the way the denim jacket insert/dickey really makes the look work for the weekend.

I particularly like the look because it's a little bit baller — who on earth is layering denim jackets beneath blazers?! — but visually it looks great and adds a very fashion-y touch, even when worn with blue jeans.

The denim dickey is $200, available at Nordstrom, Shopbop, Veronica Beard, and Bloomingdale's. They're pictured it here with Veronica Beard's classic blazer, the Miller.

(FYI, this navy blue dickey blazer from the Anniversary Sale is marked down to under $300 — but lucky sizes only. Another FYI – Quince also carries dickies that zip into some of their jackets! OK one more — The Outnet has a bunch of dickies as well as dickey jackets in stock right now!))

Psst – we've recently rounded up denim blazers (they're a thing right now!) as well as the other kind of dickey to get that layered look with sweaters, without all the bulk.

Sales of note for 4/10:

259 Comments

  1. Has anyone else had perimenopause do a number on their tastebuds? I’m 46. A few months ago I started noticing that anything with mustard tasted terrible to me. I used to love mustard. Now it tastes completely different, and I absolutely hate the taste. Salad dressing made with mustard? Most disgusting thing I have ever tasted.
    No chance of being pregnant and as far as I know I haven’t had COVID recently. So peri is the only cause I can think of.

      2. We are happy to be hosting a large event in our home (on behalf of our church) and will know some families but not all who are attending. We will plan to have lots of food and activities for all ages on the first floor and outdoor areas of our home, but are not feeling excited about kids/parents traveling upstairs. Is there a way to politely indicate that the upstairs is off limits to folks when entertaining? Just a sign in stairway? If so, how would you word this? We want to be kind but firm on this boundary.

        2. Sorry! Anonymous above here. Accidentally posted as reply and will repost later.

    2. I haven’t personally, but it can affect your tastebuds. I’d search the menopause communities to get more info.

    3. If there is even the most remote possibility of pregnancy, take a test.

      Otherwise, I would assume you have a low grade cold, straggling long covid symptoms, or your mustard has gone bad (although that’s probably not the case if it is ALL mustard in your life, rather than just one tub of it).

      1. Yeah, is it one bad jar or brand of mustard or all mustard? I had a jar of mustard that was just completely inedible a few months ago, but I threw it out and bought a different brand, and that was fine.

      2. It’s all mustard, regardless of where it comes from (restaurant, home, etc.). Zero chance of pregnancy (I’ve been single for many years with no action.)

    4. I think it is more likely due to a different health issue; we have a tendency to blame every symptom on perimenopause, but there are a lot of other things that could be going on.

      1. There could be other things going on, but estrogen plays a role in taste and smell.

    5. Colds and allergies affect my tastebuds. Not as much as Covid but a little bit. I would assume it’s that.

    6. Yes but I started liking garlic (previously couldn’t really stand it) and salt is now so tasty, and I sometimes overseason food. 47.

  2. Would you help a friend who is in so deep with something in parenting that it’s hard to even step back and see that something needs to change urgently? I’m normally very “good for you, not for me” with all things parenting and I make it a habit to never offer unsolicited advice, but I feel like I’m witnessing someone drowning and just standing there. My good friend has two kids, age 5 and 2, and neither kid sleeps well, especially the younger. My friend probably averages 4 hours of sleep a night with a very convoluted routine of going to sleep with one kid, moving to share a bed with the other, swapping with her husband at 2 am, etc. We’ve talked about it and she is open to non-CIO types of sleep training, but is so overwhelmed and exhausted that she won’t try anything because it’s hard to get started and to know what approach might be best (which, fair). She also admitted that part of her doesn’t want to make a change because she likes feeling needed at night (so if her 5-year-old wakes up and wants to play a game with her at 2 am, she’ll just do it and then say “but it was sweet that he wanted to” rather then attempt to get him back to bed). Part of me understands that, but with the rest of the problems she describes (feeling like she’s stupid because she’s so sleep-deprived she can barely get her work done, serious marital issues that stem in part from the chronic sleep deprivation that her husband handles even worse than she does, behavioral problems with the kids related to being overtired), I feel like I want to say “look, you NEED to implement something, anything, before this worsens into a crisis or you drive off the road.” It’s been five years of this, minus relatively good sleep for her first before he hit age 1.5, and I’m genuinely worried for her health and happiness, and the tone of their household is already horrible (edgy, irritable all the time). Would you say anything or offer any advice?

    P.S. It goes without saying that I’ve listened without judgment for years now and provided physical help when I can (we’re a state away now), so I feel like I’ve tried everything in that camp already. I know she appreciates it and I can continue to do that no matter what happens but I’m posting specifically because I’m debating whether to have a come-to-Jesus talk, and whether I would be glad for a friend to do that to me if the roles were reversed.

    1. You could try a, “you know, if you want to implement a sleeping schedule for the kids, that would also benefit you and your husband and I’d support you.”

      Are you trying to get her to stop complaining to you (an acceptable goal) or are you trying to get her to be ready to make a change (can’t control this)?

      2. I can handle the complaining (although I admit the “we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas” aspect can get old). I would just like to see if a push from a friend can maybe help her make the change she’s at least semi open to but feels stuck on.

        1. I mean, tell her you are worried she’s going to do more harm to her kids by driving off the road in a daze or divorcing their dad in a sleep-deprived pique than by telling a whole freakin’ 5 year old that no, you are not going to play games at 2am, go back to bed.

          2. I would only indulge it in my 3 year old if she was seriously jet lagged. I can’t imagine indulging it at 5.

          3. Games at 2am were not even a thing I did in college, definitely not as an exhausted parent. I know other parents have different ways of managing sleep; I was very heavy on liking my own and not willing to interrupt it for anything but medical or safety reasons. My kid wants to play at ungodly hours? They need to keep it SILENT and not wake anyone else in the house up, nor be grouchy the next day.

          5. I don’t think that’s normal at any age really. I had good sleepers and they basically never had major sleep issues but I have a lot of friends with various degrees of kid sleep problems and I don’t know anyone who was awake and playing with a kid in the middle of the night on a regular basis.
            We did let a kid sleep in our bed for a couple months around age 3.5 but we did that because it was the best way for us to maximize our own sleep, so kind of the opposite of this. And it was temporary.

    2. Sounds like she is super permissive and maybe ask about her routine during the day and evening. Some kids can be taken to the store and visiting and out for dinner in the evening with no problem. Others need a strict routine with little stimulus. My son was throwing tamtrums age 3-5 and it was related to strss due to family illness and loss of a job. Once we got stable in a new home, we had to say NO to running around in the evening, visiting relatives, etc. We set up and decorated his room first and did the dinner, play, read and bed thing. It worked and he grew out of the tantrums. Are they getting sufficient exercise during the day and sufficient downtime at night? I woud absolutely make suggestions if my friend were miserable.

    3. Tread very lightly indeed here, if you tread at all. I will receive a conversation like “hey, it sounds like you guys are just zonked and really struggling. Do you mind if I offer my thoughts on how you could get from where you are to where you seem to want to be? Sometimes a third party perspective is helpful. But obviously, sometimes it’s annoying, and I don’t want to overstep here” much better than the tone I associate with a “come to Jesus” conversation.

    4. Yeah, that seems crazy and I think a come-to-Jesus talk would be warranted. Maybe direct her to a sleep consultant though rather than give her advice.

    5. This is tough. My first instinct is, if you decide to say something, focus on the impact on her health and well-being, and don’t be the person telling her exactly how to solve it – i’m guessing it would be easier for her to take advice from an expert of some kind, like a sleep consultant. So my framing would be, “I notice that you are suffering x, y, and z due to sleep deprivation. It seems like your husband is suffering too due to x and y examples. Can I set up an appointment for you to talk to this consultant to try to work through some solutions? I’m worried about you.” So the focus is on her well-being, not whether or not she is a good mother, and you’re not positioning yourself as someone with all the answers.

      1. I would not respond well to “I think you need so much help I’ve hired a professional without talking to you first”, but it’s probably a “know your friend” situation.

        1. I didn’t suggest she hire someone without her friend’s permission; I agree that is a bad idea. She could offer to help her find a consultant and/or suggest a consultant and offer to help make an appointment after getting permission though.

          1. I would hate that. Consultants are scammy. Be my friend and give me your advice; don’t outsource it.

        2. +1 I agree with others that the friend’s parenting is far outside the normal range but I would react SO badly to a friend wanting to hire me a baby sleep consultant. It’s so condescending.

      1. +1. I have older kids, and over the years have had many friends with significant kid sleep issues. Sometimes from the outside it’s easy to see what they are doing that should obviously change; sometimes less so. I cannot IMAGINE that anything I would have said or done would have helped in any of these scenarios, or have been at all well received. Like so many things with kids, sometimes you really have no idea about a specific kid, and sometimes there may be other things/diagnoses that you are not (and should not be) privy to (yes, even as the best friend). While it may be years, eventually they do, of course, all work out (although I understand. your near term concerns).
        That being said, setting a subtle boundary for how much you can take listening about it is what you can personally do.

    7. How good a friend is this? I think being a good friend and a strong friendship can have these conversations together. If there’s mutual trust respect and love you should be able to have a ‘come to jesus’ conversation.

      Ive had one with my best friend about their financial choices, untreated adhd, and anxiety. I felt bad and thought I was an ahole, but it was the right conversation at the right time.

      We all deserve someone who cares about us and wants better for us.

        1. I routinely give unsolicited advice to my close friends and vice versa. Why we’re friends. But I don’t know your relationship.

    8. offer to babysit, including an overnight stay, so they can go away and get some sleep. date nights will help them feel like human beings again anyway.

      otherwise, no. as someone who had kids with lousy sleep you have no idea what she’s dealing with. if you really really can’t leave it alone get her a gift basket of various sleep things – a weighted blanket (shouldn’t be more than 10% of their bodyweight), a compression sheet, a white noise machine, a magnesium lotion or roll on (I always heard to put it on their feet?). she wouldn’t use them all at once but it’s expensive to try little things like that.

      1. But those are not the appropriate gifts for the OP’s friend’s problem. They are for someone with insomnia. Her problems are many, but her parenting choices are the cause of her lack of sleep.

    9. I wonder why she isn’t seeking out more healthcare support. Small children can have sleep disorders. Medical providers can recommend a specific approach to sleep training or specific interventions to try. And medical providers can advise on the health impacts of poor sleep.

      Part of me wonders what her days look like and if this this some kind of revenge bedtime procrastination for her (maybe as a vicious cycle). If she really likes her current set up, it sounds like everybody needs a nap schedule.

      1. Her older son is in preschool (birthday was post K cutoff in his district) and younger son in daycare. On the weekends they do things like the farmer’s market and local play dates. No organized activities for either.

        1. Does she have conflicted feelings about work vs. SAHM? I’m just trying to think of where that comment about feeling needed at 2AM was coming from.

          Waking up half way through the night isn’t always disordered sleep, but it does require going to bed earlier or waking up later. If she’s intimidated by or resistant to prescriptive or normative sleep hygiene advice, she still needs to work out something that will work for her family!

          1. Oh, I see. She isn’t conflicted about that – she works and has said she isn’t cut out to be a SAHM. I’m not really sure where it comes from, but I do remember she was INCREDIBLY upset when their oldest went through a “dad phase” a few years ago – it really stood out. I guess it could be some kind of insecurity? Her own parents were very loving and she grew up in a happy home, so there isn’t something really obvious there to point to.

          2. I think some people just have acts of service as their love language and like getting opportunities to serve those they love (and especially their kids)!

    10. I think the most you can do is say “hey, it’s really hard to watch you and husband be so sleep deprived. As your friend observing from the outside, it seems like it’s really making you both miserable. You’ve been talking about making a change for a while and I want to give you a loving push.” And then be done with it.

    11. For our family, the bedtime schedule became clear when the second kiddo came along, and it fixed things with the slightly older sibling. You just have to be consistent, and the spouse has to be on board as well. It’s The Schedule, parents don’t have to take the fall, it needs to be done. She can tweak what she has going on – like the game could be how-slowly-can-you-blink. She can ask about the kids’s dreams, sometimes they can be quite fun – and you need to be asleep for them to happen.

      One of my other hacks was when they were near me, I would breathe slowly, almost like I was asleep, and often times my kiddo would catch on and nod off. I was usually sitting upright so I would be able to resist falling asleep myself.

      Even now, we tell our kids “Sleep is food for your brain” to encourage choices when there is temptation to do otherwise. Toys (Screens) are resting as well so they can be fun and not overtired the next time they are reached for during the day.

    12. I would suggest a sleep expert for toddlers. They cost money but are worth it. These experts will tell her why these sleep routines are making the kids and her more tired. The sleep expert will explain why it is much better to set limits. It is likely that your friend can hear the criticism better from an expert than from a friend where she might get very defensive.

      2. I still think she should start by talking to a doctor. I don’t see how an expert would know if it was a medical issue or an issue with routines. If the doctor doesn’t think it’s medical, I’m sure they’ll refer to someone who does behavioral interventions.

        Maybe it’s 90% likely to be parenting choices, but there’s always a chance it’s something more (even if it’s something as common as ADHD interfering with normal sleep). And occasionally wild parenting choices come from trying to accommodate something that’s really not normal. But the sleep deprivation for sure is a medical issue now, whatever is causing it, and that is what doesn’t seem to be clicking.

    13. I used to babysit a lot, and so I’ve seen a lot of things. “My” kids quickly learned that they could not get away with certain behaviours with me that they could do with their parents. Picking up after themselves, bussing their dinner dishes, going to bed without a murmur.

      I had one family whose kids’ sleeping habits regressed exactly like your friend’s, to the point that the parents were sleeping on the floor of the kids’ room so the kids’ wouldn’t scream all evening. The parents even wanted me to do the same when I put the kids to bed! The parents were having a rough time (understandably!), and all I said was “Are you willing to do this for the next five years? Or can you be firm and put up with screaming for a week?”

      And I say “regressed” because the kids had been fine –I think until the parents moved the toddler in to the same bedroom with the five year old. “But I shared a bedroom with my sister and loved it.” Well…

      1. Are you the Super Nanny? What babysitter talks to her employer like this? I would fire you instantly, I am not paying you to judge me.

    14. “ She also admitted that part of her doesn’t want to make a change because she likes feeling needed at night (so if her 5-year-old wakes up and wants to play a game with her at 2 am, she’ll just do it and then say “but it was sweet that he wanted to” rather then attempt to get him back to bed).”

      This is the toxic competitive motherhood that makes me so glad I’m not a mom.

      1. Boy, you just always have something negative to say and the lack of sense not to say it, don’t you?

        1. Eh I mostly agree with her and I’m a (very happy) mom. It’s a small sliver of moms but this sort of behavior is pretty toxic. I’m not sure it always comes from competition, I think PPD/PPA is a big cause. But it’s not normal or healthy and it’s ok to say that.

          1. It’s actually pretty normal/common to enjoy snuggling with a sleepyheaded kid on occasion. Not everyone enjoys it, and it’s not like it’s a hallmark of being a good mom (sounds like it’s inspiring some unhealthy stuff here because it’s happening so often, for example), but it definitely is not something to pathologize or dismiss as “toxic competitive motherhood stuff.”

            Anyway, my point was more that this poster has never met a punch bowl she didn’t want to leave a turd in or a dog pile she didn’t want to be the last dog on. And for a non-mom, she sure seems to love weighing in on other people’s parenting.

          2. At 2 am though? With a 5 year old? Sure people love snuggling their kids, but this isn’t letting a toddler stay up a few minutes past bedtime for some extra snuggles or spending a bit longer than necessary comforting a child who wakes up from a nightmare, this is being wide awake in the middle of the night for an extended period of time to entertain a school age child. To the point that it’s endangering her physical health and marriage, and causing behavioral problems in her children. That isn’t normal or sweet. If nothing else, no matter how much she likes seeing her kids at 2 am she needs to step back for the sake of her kids. Sleep is one of the most important elements of early childhood development.

            I’m not familiar with the other posts you mention so maybe you’re right on that… but I do think there’s an element of competitive mothering and mommy martyr syndrome that’s worth calling out. Some of the pressure on moms *is* self-inflicted. As I said though, I don’t really think that’s what’s going on here, since being up all night with older children is not really something anyone aspires to. It sounds more like a mental health issue to me.

          3. You and I are in agreement that the situation OP is describing is probably unhealthy.

            But I can think of multiple scenarios where I’d be wide awake in the middle of the night to entertain a school age child — things like a kid wakes up from a nightmare, or a kid who just lost a pet wakes up crying, or a kid who is getting bullied can’t sleep because she’s scared she’ll get picked on in gym class the next day. I think you’d probably get up with your kid for at least some of those, too. None of those are martyring yourself; it’s just sorting out “this is a legitimate one off need I can healthily meet” from “this kid lost at checkers this afternoon and wants a rematch” for someone you love. We totally agree that that instinct may have gone wonky here, but we don’t have all the context, so hard to say for sure.

            Idk. Sometimes “mommy martyr” really is a thing. But sometimes that term is just a way to dismiss other moms who have different priorities than I do. Kind of like how everyone driving slower than you needs to speed up and everyone driving faster than you is a speed demon, you know?

          4. If she wants to play games with her kid part way through the night, that’s not necessarily a problem. But she does need to adapt the rest of the schedule to ensure enough sleep happens.

            And a lot of school schedules notoriously currently obstruct medically recommended sleep schedules, but this is not any given mom’s fault.

          5. “things like a kid wakes up from a nightmare, or a kid who just lost a pet wakes up crying, or a kid who is getting bullied can’t sleep because she’s scared she’ll get picked on in gym class the next day. I think you’d probably get up with your kid for at least some of those, too.”

            Yeah I’d get up, although generally the goal would definitely be getting back to bed relatively quickly because everyone needs sleep. It’s not cruel to a 5 year old who wakes up with a bad dream to give them a quick hug and words of comfort and then try to get them back to bed quickly rather than staying up for hours playing games — kids (and adults) really need sleep. But 1) those examples all sound more isolated/less long term than what OP is describing and 2) I certainly wouldn’t be going around telling people I’m happy to be up in the night because I like feeling needed! That’s not a mentally healthy attitude, and it’s that attitude that Roxie was calling out as toxic, not the getting up with the child in the middle of the night. Sure, sometimes our kids need us in the night, but mentally healthy moms do not celebrate being up all night because they “like feeling needed.”

          6. Neither of were there, but I read those comments as someone trying to find a silver lining in a bad situation, not as someone “celebrating” something.

            Anyway, I think this is one of those situations where an OP has provided just enough details that it’s basically an inkblot test for whether your brain fills in the blanks with positive or negative assumptions based on your underlying preconceptions about motherhood and other women.

        2. I’m a mother and I agree with Roxie.

          I love when my kindergartener needs me, but I’m not going to disrupt his sleep for it. It isn’t good for either one of us, and the long-term problems for both parties are so obviously bad that “toxic” is an appropriate descriptor.

          1. We don’t have any context for why this mom was doing what she was doing. What’s toxic is jumping right to labeling her and motherhood as a concept while not even attempting to provide constructive advice. It doesn’t add value for anyone. It’s just mean girling for the sake of mean girling.

    15. Thanks all, food for thought. I think I can suggest a consultant – she has said before that she thinks she’ll just be told to do CIO, but there’s plenty of options these days.

  3. Posted this late on the other thread. Need some shoes for outdoor family pictures next weekend. My dress is:

    Tuckernuck Chambray Lyles Dress

    DH will wear whatever I tell him and my girls are in blush and floral dresses with cream tights and ankle high boots. What do I put on my feet? Outside, greater Boston, on a farm, 4pm.

    Brown boots were recommended in the earlier post. What kind? Ankle? Knee high? Whatever I wear will need to be bought. Help!

    2. Knee-high boots are more current with a midi dress than ankle boots. Cowboy boots would also work.

      1. I wouldn’t do boots with that dress. I’d do flats. It’s an airy long dress. Maybe cowboy boots but that’s a very specific look. I’d also do a dress sandal if the weather is nice.

          1. These look good for the office but would look weird on a farm imho. I would do ankle boots if that’s your style or something like these little (cheap!) cuties:

            https://www.target.com/p/women-8217-s-sia-shoes-with-memory-foam-insole-universal-thread-8482-cognac-7-5/-/A-94646804?sid=&TCID=PDS-230278849&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=230278849&gbraid=0AAAAAD-5dfZTfMyNC5hxjMK7QGjmqb_kP&gclid=Cj0KCQjw3aLHBhDTARIsAIRij59NocU9kOn985SAHFgKk_WsWPXrR6-gyoqSBYun6aDMncx7PZri3vcaAmUbEALw_wcB

          1. Yeah you can for photos, absolutely. Take them with you if you don’t want to walk to the shoot area in them. I was a professional photographer for years and everyone does this.

          2. PS – boots add visual weight to the person wearing them, it’s not as flattering for photos for most people.

  4. Thoughts on gender neutral bathrooms? I never ever concerned myself with who else was i the ladies room and assume that tr$ns women have been using the ladies rooms forever. I see that gender neutral bathrooms will be great for people who look androgyneous and for caregivers. Given the hate against gender non-conforming people, they will probably be safer with unis$x bathrooms. On the other hand, the discussion about a ladies lounge that allow women to pump has me thinking about women spaces in general. I don’t love the idea of flossing the spinach out of my teeth, fixing my bra or spanx in the mirror, or “powdering my nose” in front of my first date, dad or father-in-law. Bathrooms are culturally so much more than a place to pee for women. Will I survive the change? Of course. But I don’t want women’s spaces to be lost entirely.

    1. Unisex bathrooms (without gendered counterparts) aren’t a thing. Get out of here with your dog whistle.

      1. I am not the OP, but I have seen them before. There are separate stalls, but otherwise unisex.

          3. Ally McBeal (legal TV show from…the 90’s) had multi-stall restrooms for all bathroom users, AND they used to have conversations (to advance the plot, or entertain) between stalls, regardless of whose pants were being shown around their ankles.

            Also – in Jordan we went to a restaurant for lunch (10ish years ago) and the restroom was multi-stall and for everyone. The doors were closer to the floor and ceiling, but no one was bothered.

      3. They definitely exist. Usually individual stalls with doors that go all the way to floor and a common area with sinks for everyone.

        I don’t mind them, but I prefer women’s restrooms instead of gender neutral rooms.

        1. I like them, mainly because of the doors that go all the way to the floor. I’ve had no issues in any of them. I’m in the Bay Area and they’ve become common here.

          That said, I also don’t care about peeing in the men’s room, which I’ve done many, many times at bars. (Husband is in a bar band.)

          1. I’ve also used men’s bathrooms. I have not yet turned into a man, or a predator. In addition, all the bathrooms in my house are p@ns3ggsual. Get out of here with this dumb question, they-k-Rowling. Find some real topic. My eyes have rolled into the back of my head. Over and out.

      4. Where do you live? They absolutely are everywhere and I hate them. So messy, can’t sneak off with your friends to chat there.

      5. You are so weird. They were at the Met in NYC when I went and all and all over San Francisco. They will be in Ikea soon. Guessing you don’t travel much, anon at 2:58. What is the dog whistle thing?

      6. Pretty sure I used one in Amsterdam in about 1908 as a teen. Stalls enclosed, rest of bathroom open. It was odd seeing men and women in the same bathroom but it was fine.

      8. lol, I see you have never been to the Bay Area. And no, they aren’t all individual stalls and/or with doors that go from the floor to the ceiling. Even in some office settings that I have seen.

      9. They’re common in SF. Fancy room-like stalls for toilets with a wall of sinks (or one long trough sink) on the other side.

    2. i’ve only seen gender neutral bathrooms that are also single-occupant/family (and as someone with an autistic son i really appreciate these spaces because he doesn’t look disabled but I still don’t want to send him into the men’s room by himself).

      there was a NY bar called Schiller’s for years that had women’s and men’s bathrooms with a common sink area – I forget where the mirrors were, possibly in the bathrooms themselves. but it was always fine.

      1. I’ve used bathrooms like that at restaurants and airports. It’s always been fine. I don’t feel like brushing teeth or fixing my outfit requires shielding from the other sex so much as it requires a designated restroom like space, because it’s gauche to do it in public.

    3. Locker rooms I would feel differently about, but bathroom stalls give me a sufficient feeling of privacy no matter what gender person is outside of it, so it’s not something I care about either way.

    4. Most unisex bathrooms offer more privacy not less.

      Me removing hypothetical spinach matters far less than enabling someone else to actually use the bathroom without fear for their safety. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to be trans in so many ways.

      1. Unisex bathrooms with full-length stall doors would provide better privacy than current setups where women bring their little boys into the ladies’ room to peer under stall doors, and would alleviate potty parity issues.

    5. Well, lesbians might have some advice for powdering your nose in front of your first date! I don’t think I’ve ever really gone to bathroom at the same time as the person I’m dining with, usually one person stays to watch the coats and whatnot, then goes when the other person comes back.

      Most gender neutral setups I have seen have individual rooms with toilet, sink, and mirror (usually), or a little room with the toilet and then everyone uses the sinks together. In each situation, you could do the more private things in the little room ( bra fixing, underwear hiking).

      I like the gender neutral idea because it generally means that I, as a person who uses the women’s room, have a shorter wait. And I am kind of wickedly delighted that it can result in men having a longer wait. Equality!

      1. Fair enough re: lesbians. But as a GenX, it was ingrained that primping and such is a private activity. We don’t brush our hair or put on lipstick at the dinner table because its just bad manners. I wouldn’t do that at work in the conference room so why would it be okay at work in front of my boss?

        1. Because you would no longer be at the dinner table or in the conference room. You’d be in the bathroom.

          1. The same people who think humans can change gender also seem to think there is no difference between men and women. Ugh, men and women are not the same. If my boss is a woman, she is not a man or a bear. Women have a right to our own space.

    6. I think it is fine to have single stall gender neutral bathrooms. If it is a lounge or a bathroom with multiple stalls, I prefer separate for men and women.

    7. Love me some gender neutral bathrooms! They minimize the lines for everyone, users and cleaners alike.

      On the other hand, I have never wanted to spend more time than necessary in a public restroom. Not because there might be other genders present, but because it’s a bathroom and not a lounge.

      Never would I ever have pumped in a public restroom unless there was literally no other option. I would (and did) pick a bench in a hallway, the ground next to a tree, my car in the parking lots, over a bathroom, no question.

      1. It sounds like you don’t have experience with really nice powder rooms (they kind of are like lounges really!).

        2. Lol, there is certainly no place in my area with an actual public luxe powder room. Public restrooms are not the same as those found in high end venues.

          1. The one I had in mind had sofas and mirrors, but it wasn’t a “high end venue” (just the ladies’ room in an old building where I heard a talk, which was free). I get that high traffic public spaces can’t have upholstered furniture, but that doesn’t mean there’s no place for this.

            I honestly think it’s kind of vindictive when the social response to some people changing their gender is to get rid of gendered spaces altogether.

    8. I’m against them. Any policy that helps men access women’s spaces is a no-go for me. Every time a state or country does this (including for single occupancy), incidence of spycam installation goes up – and before, when you saw a man in the women’s room, you could get security to intervene based on that fact alone. The presumption I was that it was a social norm being violated in advance of a crime. Now you have to wait for the crime to be committed, which means more victims.

    9. I despise them. One seaters usually result in a line for the bathroom and I can’t fix a stray thread without someone waiting impatiently for me to finish. Anecdotally one seaters tend to be dirtier.

      Multi stall layouts are deeply uncomfortable. I don’t want to hear my male coworkers’ bathroom noises and vice versa. Removing my pants or changing my tampon three feet from a man feels too vulnerable. Sometimes I have rough days and want a private space to collect myself. If my office had an Ally McBeal style restroom I would WFH or quit.

      1. Agreed. Anything that keeps me longer in an enclosed space with a man while I’m trying to deal with something private and embarrassing (tampon explosion, whatever) is very uncomfortable. I don’t have to talk myself out of that feeling. Our instincts have evolved for a reason.

    10. I don’t mind them in places where I’ll be for a short time (movie theater, night club) but not where I’ll be for a long time (work, school).

    11. Most gender neutral restrooms aren’t multiple user – they are single occupancy like your home restroom is.

      No I don’t care if trans/nonbinary people have access to restrooms. I have worked with two people that were female to male transition and I would not have known had they not been open. It’s also very interesting that no one raises that issue at all.

      Rape continues to largely be perpetuated by someone known to the victim. Anti-trans people continue to raise this specific threat but how many stranger rapes are conducted in high traffic areas? A public restroom typically has a lot of traffic. And still, that has to do with predators not people whose identity doesn’t align with that which they were born with.

      1. National statistics (US) show that about a quarter of sexual assault victims were at work, school, or another activity during the assault (2019-2023 data). The rest were at home or commuting to home.

      2. I don’t care about single occupancy gender neutral restrooms.

        But that stat about “someone known to the victim” is an access issue, where predators choose targets based on convenient access. So providing convenient access is still a bad idea.

        High traffic public spaces can get pretty dicey in my experience (everyone has some public transit stories that would not be improved by taking place within a restroom).

      3. I find that a lot of people say that rape is rare in bathrooms but they won’t send their young kids in alone, citing safety.

        1. It’s okay to try to keep something rare! Supervision of young kids is totally reasonable.

      4. This depends on where you live, absolutely not the case in the Bay Area. The rise of the unisex bathrooms just means dirtier bathrooms for everyone, and it’s absolutely unnecessary here where it’s very accepting and easy to be who you are.

      5. The fact that most rapes are committed by someone you know doesn’t make stranger rape less horrifying. It’s a little like saying most gun deaths in this country are suicides, so we shouldn’t fear mass shootings.

        1. +1. It doesn’t feel like no big deal to the millions of women experiencing stranger assault in a public place.

        2. It is often because the same guy who assaulted a stranger additionally assaulted people he knew or lived with, which is not that surprising.

        3. Actually it would be like saying all shooters have mental health issues which we do and they don’t. Mass shootings are also caused mostly by straight men with violence issues, not mental health issues. As sexual violence is caused mostly by straight men with violence issues not people with gender dysmorphia.

      6. True but the unisex format with multiple stalls and combined sinks/mirrors is becoming more common. An article about Ikea suggested this recently. When so many of us would chose a bear in the woods over a man, why are we inviting the cis-men into our private spaces?

    12. I’m 100% in favor of gender neutral bathrooms with stalls that go all the way to the floor and ceiling and don’t have that awful gap. It’d be a much better use of space in huge places like ball parks. They can have a smaller male bathroom with urinals only and a smaller female lounge for pumping etc., but most of the proper bathroom space would be taken up by enclosed stalls. Lines would be so much shorter. It would be safer, especially for children who are too old to go to the bathroom with their opposite sex parent but too young to watch for danger. I don’t understand why this isn’t already being done on a large scale.

      1. Exactly. This setup would be better for everyone, and women and parents would benefit the most. People who are not comfortable with t—s people in single-sex restrooms would also be protected because there would be actual privacy, which is not the case with today’s standard restroom setup that has huge gaps at the bottom of the stall and at the edges of the stall door.

        1. I think the view is usually that there are pros and cons to privacy (enough privacy to have a medical crisis and be ignored? enough privacy for making out or doing drugs or taking a nap?). It’s probably overall helpful to the people staffing a restroom if people feel like they don’t have much privacy in the stalls and try to finish up and get out of there.

    13. I find that people are often willing to give up something that is not valuable to them. So some women are fine giving away privacy – it means little to them for whatever reason.
      For myself, having been preyed on by a teacher for months when i was 9, it is important to me that not only my own privacy in bathrooms and changing room be preserved, but that of young girls to. This teacher would open the door to the girls changing room when he knew we were in a state of undress.
      I do not trust all men to behave themselves properly.
      And I do not want my right to consent be given away by other women who have not had the same experiences i have.

      1. +1. Some women care about single-sex bathrooms a lot. Some don’t care at all. The only solution that satisfies both camps, the carers and the non-carers, is to keep it single sex.

      2. If you’d had full-length locking stalls for changing, he couldn’t have opened the door on you.

        1. He could wait outside the door. He could change in the open himself without challenge. He could linger at the sinks. He could install a camera during less busy times . People say “well a sign on the door won’t stop a predator like that!” but that doesn’t mean you should pave the way for them. In that poster’s youth, someone catching a male teacher in the bathroom, no matter what he was doing, would lead to h3ll being raised. His presence alone would be the red flag. Now it would lead to…nothing.

        2. Wow Anon @ 5:02. I’ll just go back in time and have the small karate studio and install a lock on the inside of the closet door that the 3 girls had to change in. What a helpful comment.

          I will also state, for the record, that this same man abused me in front of the entire class, and a couple of the other girls, too. He would pair students up for stretching exercises, and there were an odd number of students that day he would choose a girl, most often me, as his partner. One of the stretches was to put your legs out and lean forward. He would kneel between my legs and have me fold over his lap with my face two inches from his crotch for what felt like 5 to 10 minutes at a time.

          Opportunist men are going to take every opportunity.

          Thanks for bringing me back to that space again. You’re a real ally.

          3. I’m sorry too. You didn’t deserve that and you don’t deserve minimizing comments either.

          4. The point is not to minimize what happened to you. The point is to say that full-length stalls are the safest option because they provide complete privacy.

      3. I agree 100% to your last sentence, as my cousin’s daughter was SA’d at school in a bathroom.

    14. I do not live in North America. I mention this because when I think about toilet stalls, my experience and what I comes to mind is separate stalls with real walls and real doors from ceiling to the floor.

      When I have visited North America, I have been very uncomfortable to realize that not only is there no real walls at the floor or ceiling level, but there might actually be a gap vertically with full visibility at the full door lenght! To me and my experience that is very alien. That vertical gap is terrible!

      I am very uncomfortable with vertical gap. I don’t want to share that space with *anybody*, if there’s a vertical gap.

      In my experience, sharing bathrooms with people with a different gender or gender expression to mine is normal. I am delighted to share my office bathroom with any configuration of tr$ans and gender-nonconforming people. I feel extremely safe sharing bathrooms with any configuration of tr$ans and gender-nonconforming people. My experience is excellent.

      In spaces where people consume a lot of alcohol, I prefer there to be designated urinal spaces because unisex spaces tends to get dribbled on, and that’s yucky.

    15. I live in a major city and yes, I have seen them in several places. Most notably in Steppenwolf theater in Chicago. I am pretty relaxed about most things, so I was surprised with myself that it really did startle me when random men started coming in. There I am fixing my hair, make-up etc. And yes, the bathroom floors are so much dirtier, which really stinks when you are dressed up with long flowy pants and you are trying your best not to let them touch the floor when you are using the toilet because that floor is now wet with men’s pee.

      1. Yeah, at a conference we used the men’s restroom and even after a really thorough cleaning it stank.

      2. Exactly, men’s rooms are pigsty’s. The same gender restrooms are too now as a result.

    16. Bathrooms have to be single sex because there is no way to tell in advance which men will attack women. There is no exempt profession, style of dress, or personality. We have to bar all men to prevent the crimes of some. Mixed-sex bathrooms take that crucial prevention (what is also known as safeguarding) away.

    17. Unisex bathrooms are generally single stall, and if multiple stalls require longer walls for more privacy. Lactation rooms , which are required in my state, are a separate room. I have no problem with it, and think gender neutral bathrooms are more efficient.

      1. I think this is true of purpose-built gender neutral bathrooms; but in my world (left coded industry in blue city), it’s pretty common to see bathrooms that were built as single sex & have the gap-prone “typical” stall doors simply relabeled as all-gender. I don’t personally like using those; and if there’s an alternative reasonably close, I’ll walk to it; but I’m okay using them if necessary. For me, it’s not a logical safety thing (I figure anything a man with ill-intent could do in the bathroom, they could do by loitering in the parking lot), but just a sense of personal comfort/relaxation. I don’t see any particular reason my personal comfort should outweigh the personal comfort of trans & gender neutral people though.

  5. going to vegas next week for work. it is going to still be summer outside but can i assume it will be cool if not chilly inside?

    1. Absolutely. Vegas is one of those places where the hotter it is outside the colder it is inside. Layers are your friend.

      Enjoy! I am neither a drinker nor gambler, but Vegas is one of my favorite places for a conference.

      1. WWYD if you’re not a gambler? I’m going for work in November, have never been. Will be with industry contacts, maybe clients, so can’t go crazy.

        1. Lots of good restaurants and shows in the evenings, along with a bit of shopping. It’s the usual socializing at a conference but everything is reasonably together – like you aren’t crossing across a city. If you aren’t really a gambler, I’ve always been a fan of penny slots. Twenty dollars can keep you occupied for a long time.

        2. If you have a free afternoon, I love the Mob Museum. There are a bunch of top notch spas. The food is good (if you can get a reservation at Hell’s Kitchen it is well worth it). I always find time to walk through the Bellagio to see its rotating decorations. And the people watching is unbeatable. I like to find a spot, have my one drink and a snack and watch the world walk by.

          The also have great vintage shopping, but that is better is you have a car. Otherwise, the Forum Shops is fun for window shopping – if only to marvel at how many people have more money than either sense or taste.

          If you are sensitive to cigarette smoke, it is best to find restaurants and bars not open to the casinos.

        3. The outlets in Vegas are some of the best in the country. If you like to hike, hit up Red Rocks. There is some outstanding food. You can get an In n Out Shirt with Nevada on it (used to be a rarity)!

        4. The Sphere sometimes has movies playing. Right now it’s Wizard of Oz. It may be worth it to do that just to see/experience the Sphere (without the Sphere concert-level price ticket). You could also see one of the millions of Cirque du Soleil shows, or Variety or Comedy shows. The Mad Apple and Absinthe are fun for by yourself (can be raunchy), or with work folks go more classic like O. Maybe the Ferris Wheel at the Linq? I too love hiking the Red Rocks, but I think that would be too ambitious on most work trips unless she has a full free day and is keen to rent a car.

          1. Tickets for the Wizard of Oz at the Sphere are like $200. I think that’s a way bigger waste of money than a live concert ticket, even a $$$$ one. The Wizard of Oz is free on streaming.

          2. They spent $100 million to adapt it to the Sphere and do things like make you “feel” the tornado, so it’s not exactly like watching it on streaming on your couch. I’m assuming you also get to interact with the AI robots in the lobby and stuff (which you actually can’t do for the concerts, at least the one I went to). But understood that might not be everyone’s cup of tea for the price overall.

    1. These Veronica beard dickie jackets have been around for several years now. The denim is one of the more popular styles.
      I’m not sure how you missed them. They’re not new enough to be shocking.

        1. Sorry. I can see how I came across as hostile. Not my intention.

          The context is that there have been posts where people say they hate trends and the concept that things get dated and I think you guys are missing out.

          Gently, with a heart full of love, guys, if you missed this one and care at all about what’s trending among regular real life women – I have no idea what is going on in high fashion – I think you’re missing something.

          Not that you need to care, not that it matters. It doesn’t. But, with love, if you think things trend too fast, and you’ve never seen a dickie jacket I think you might be missing something in the way you approach wardrobe building. Because I laughed at wearing a dickie maybe four years ago and I’ve seen them at bars, soccer games, charity luncheons and depositions for years since then. It’s fine to hate them but it’s strange to have not seen them. It’s possible this one will wane before it looks right to you and when you finally splurge on this item or just pick up the mall brand version you’ll be upset that your blazer is quickly “dated.” You might have had so much more fun if you’d just maybe, if you care, tried to notice stuff when it’s trending. I live in the suburbs so I don’t think this is a regional thinks, I’m betting it’s in your town too. I realize it’s not really a fashion blog but let’s not steer each other away from current looks because we’re not paying attention, please.

          1. That’s a big response to someone saying an article of clothing was not on her bingo card. With love – relax.

          3. Isn’t the point of a Dickey that you can’t tell if it’s a shirt or not? How can you tell? Just wondering

    3. This blog is the only place I have encountered a dickey outside of the 1980s.

      1. Anyone remember the days when this blog tried to make professional boleros happen?

        1. Yes. Every six weeks for like 3 years “isn’t this a cute and professional bolero jacket? would you wear a bolero at work?”

      2. Really? Holly s is absolutely right, these are everywhere and frankly the workhorse of my wardrobe. I work in finance and literally everyone wears these daily. VB is also a very on trend brand.

        1. I work in finance, too, and have not spotted a single dickey. It’s not the trend where I am. Perhaps they are very regional?

        2. I think the OP was talking about the denim underneath more than the jacket itself.

      3. Same except heard a people using them in Edinburgh to cover chest/neck a bit more without adding more bulk. So I guess YMMV

  7. Has anyone watched Black Rabbit? Light spoilers, I’m only a couple of episodes in.

    I don’t know how to take the fact that all of this trouble is caused by a $140k debt. Or even the need for the other $100k for investment purposes. Am I out of touch by thinking that $100k is not an insurmountable amount of money to come up with? Or is the point that the events of the series unfold over not THAT much money?

    1. “Am I out of touch by thinking that $100k is not an insurmountable amount of money to come up with?”

      Yep.

    3. How long is the time frame? Because I think a good chunk of partnered middle class Americans could come up with $100k in the course of a year or two if their life was on the line (crowd sourcing, selling things including cars, working extra shifts, mortgaging assets, etc.). Like, if your child needed a $100k medical procedure or would die, I think most people would figure it out. But $100k in a week or a month? Not something most people can do.

      1. Yeah I think it depends on timing and reason. Many (most?) people have $100k in home equity and could take out a HELOC if a child needs lifesaving medical treatment or something.
        But you obviously don’t do something like that on a whim. You have to *really* need the money.

        1. If I try to look that up, I find that in USA, 60% of homeowners have $100k in home equity, but of course that leaves people who aren’t homeowners at all.

          There are maintenance medications that cost $100k for a refill these days, so for a lifesaving medical treatment, maybe it would be enough, or maybe it would be enough for the copay!

          1. Non-homeowners often have assets, too, though. If you’re a married middle class couple, you probably have two cars you can sell, along with some computers, phones, tvs, sports gear, nice clothes/bags, etc. And that’s before you get to people’s earning capabilities. There are a lot of paths to $100k within a year for the average middle class family, but it requires sacrifices that don’t make sense outside of an emergency.

          2. OK, but the current value of my car is $5000; not “something like half of 100,000”. And I need it to drive to work, you know, where they pay me a salary.

          3. Yeah I’m pretty well off but if my husband and I sold everything we owned, including 2 very reliable cars in great condition, I doubt we would get much more than $10k for it all. Used electronics have very little value on the resale market, like 10% of the purchase of price are less. Cars are the only significant non-property asset most people own, and unless you like to drive really new cars they’re not worth much because cars depreciate fast. And we need the cars (and computers) to work.

            We have much more than $100k in our house and could take a HELOC but otherwise I have no idea how we’d get that much money quickly. We have a ~$2.5M net worth but it’s mostly in retirement accounts.

          4. That’s why my original post said that it would take most people a year to scrounge up $100k, because it’s going to be a combo of selling stuff and making money in other ways.

          5. So raising the money would require sacrifices that don’t make sense outside of an emergency and would take too long in an emergency… so their kid isn’t getting that medical treatment in time to be lifesaving (or whatever the emergency situation is).

            I think it’s genuinely unhealthy to go around imagining that “most” people could raise 100k to meet an emergency need if they just sacrificed hard enough because of their “assets.” I think it’s unhealthy to think that most married middle class couples can raise 100k in twelve months or that an emergency can even wait twelve months. This is really out of touch even if you can imagine a specific scenario where it may work out. If what you believe were even close to true, people’s real lives would play out so differently!

    4. Outside of fiction, $20k debt, or even $5k debt, causes an awful lot of trouble when the person who owes it doesn’t have it and can’t come up with it.

    5. Wow. I know a woman who can’t drive due to nearly 4K in fines. She was caught driving, spent nine days in jail and lost her job. Multiply that by hundreds of thousands of people living hand to mouth, living in rundown motels.

        1. And? Most of us are lucky to not get the consequences we deserve for our actions. It’s called grace—don’t be a judgmental turd.

          1. Most of us do have to face the consequences of not complying with the law, actually. You live in a very privileged (or corrupt) echelon of society if you think you can run up $4k in fines, have your license suspended, drive anyway (!!), and face absolutely no consequences.

    6. I met someone at a CPA networking event and became friends. Years later she told me that when we met, she had moved back to the state to live with her parents. She had been married, both employed as professionals, home together etc. Then she got cancer, had to have treatment which led to her losing her job at a big 4, then her husband left her, then they had to sell their home in negative equity for her (he bought her share). She was financially devastated by healthcare costs, and lived in her car while she returned to her home state with little more than gas money.

      So yea it’s unlikely if you have your health and the ability to work, but it’s totally within the realms of possibility, even for some of those who think it isn’t.

  8. Does anyone have a recommendation for s t-shirt (preferably not crewneck) that is hip length on a 5’5″ woman? I am not looking for cropped because those are usually boxy and shorter than what I want, but I want something that does not hit the top of my thighs and can be worn untucked (I am short waisted; tucked in makes me look like I have no torso, not to mention the bunching.)

    I have a dozen t-shirts that are too long and hoping for a solution that does not require tailoring.

    Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

    1. i’m 5’3 and like t-shirts from caslon, jcrew factory (girlfriend style), madewell, banana republic (timeless). talbots is ok too.

    3. Primark t shirts are awesome and long. They are $4.50 each. If you don’t put them in the dryer they last about 2 years.

      1. I have a Primark shirt that is 8 years old and going strong! It’s not cotton.

        1. Those aren’t the $4.50 ones! Checking the label they are 95% cotton and 5% Lycra. The white is too transparent for me but the other colors are fine.

    4. Why not figure out how long you want it to be in inches? Might make it easier to shop. Call the vendor and ask how long the back length is in your size.

  9. I took the plunge and got a weight loss prescription through Hers. It’s prescribed by a dr who reviewed my health history. I thought I would receive a micro dose of GLP but instead was prescribed Welbutrin, Metformin and Topiramate. I’m generally a low medicine type of person, but take vitamins like iron and vitamin C. The medicine arrived and now I’m like – am I really doing this? Idk what I’m looking for exactly – the hive’s thoughts? Like what would you say to your (self-described chubby) friend who brought this up at cocktail hour? I’m also reaching out to my PCP before I start.

    1. have you googled those meds? i would not do them at all. how much weight are you trying to lose? if you have a lot to lose just get a GLP… if not weight loss meds may not be for you.

      i had one friend hospitalized because she was using weight loss meds to try to lose “the last 10 pounds.” i think she was even on ozempic proper.

    2. I definitely lost weight on Welbutrin and metformin before. I’m not familiar with Topiramate but assume it’s for a symptom you mentioned? I think your PCP’s advice will be key!

      1. That’s quite a cocktail to loose weight. I used two of them (Wellbutrin and topiramate) as migraine preventers. Topiramate can give you a sense of pins and needles and also cause some memory issues. They do tend to lower appetite but not hugely.

        1. If Topiramate is just to lose weight and not for migraines, that would scare me!

          Metformin is generally NBD to me; it’s used for anti-aging because diabetics on metformin were seeing better outcomes than non-diabetics not on metformin. But I’d be annoyed if it were prescribed to me for weight loss unless I had signs of insulin resistance.

          My understanding is that bupropion slightly lowers appetite but also lowers food reward and increases energy (I guess since you’re getting dopamine without food?). So to me the relevance to weight loss would be if someone were eating when not hungry or for energy. I could also see it being irrelevant if those aren’t the issues.

    3. Yikes I wouldn’t go near that cocktail. For one thing, Topiramate is known to cause cognitive/verbal difficulties. The brand name version, Topamax, is known as Dopamax for a reason. Signed, takes a low dose daily for migraine prevention but if I get above 25 mg I start to forget my words.

      1. Yeah I’m also on it for m*graine. It’s very effective for weight loss (I lost 30 lbs, and wasn’t that overweight), but it definitely has side effects. I can’t go above 50 mg and have some issues with word finding and typos, but it’s livable for how much it helps.

        I lost a similar amount of weight on Wellbutrin (it stayed off a long time but I eventually regained it over about a decade as the m*graines became really debilitating and I had some other health issues and med side effects), so I’d question the necessity to use both rather than trying one at a time.

      2. Me either. I have also been on Topamax in the past for migraines. Never again. Also, I didn’t lose any weight so that isn’t always a side effect.

      3. European here. We have a lot of them, at universities, museums, churches. The doors of the stalls are higher, we do not have the gap you do. Still I do not like them, because they are always more smelly and dirty than only women’s restrooms.

      4. Yep, my friend was prescribed by her neurologist, and there a definite side effects!

    4. If I was being 100 percent honest I would say I don’t know much about this but I’d be careful taking an antidepressant for weight loss? And, as a fellow low medicine person, and with the caveat that I could be wrong, I’d also add that I am generally suspicious of any service whose stated goal is to make Rx-required meds easier to obtain. Presumably the Rx is required for a reason? I think talking to your pcp before you start is a good idea.

      1. It’s used for more than depression. It is used to help with quitting addictions, and has been shown to help with quitting smoking, losing weight and more.

        1. I was prescribed Wellburtrin to help with smoking. Well, I had been sober for 8 years and it made me want to drink. I felt terrible and scared and shaky. Do not recommend.

    5. My suggestion is just to bite the bullet and take a GLP-1 (either Wegovy or Zepbound) unless the $499/month is way outside your financial means.

    6. Good call on reaching out to your PCP.

      If you were my friend, I would beg you not to do this unless your PCP affirmatively signs off on it (not just a cursory glance before approval, but actively confirms this is the most appropriate course of action).

      1. +1 this calls for an appointment with the PCP to ask his or her advice on your problems.

    7. Did the prescriber discuss with you the reasons for prescribing each medication, along with the risks?

      I can see why a system like Hers would be appealing, though. Doctors love to tell women whose weight gain is obviously hormonal that all they need to do is eat less and exercise more. Sorry, but when I am 20 lbs heavier on hormonal BC with more exercise and less food than I am without hormonal BC eating whatever I want, the BC obviously is the problem. Same with aging. Don’t try to tell me that hormonal changes are not responsible for the fact that I gained weight rapidly when I hit 45 despite increasing exercise and cutting my portions in half. And then there’s the over-reliance on BMI. A small-framed woman can be 30 lbs over her ideal weight and still be “normal” according to the BMI charts. If conventional doctors want to compete with shady on-line prescription mills, they need to start taking women’s concerns seriously.

    8. Wellbutrin is sometimes prescribed for weight loss. But first you will have mild headaches and fatigue for a couple weeks. And the weight loss will be very gradual – you likely won’t drop a ton of weight right away. I’d definitely talk to your PCP

      1. As with every medicine, side effects vary, and Wellbutrin is usually very well tolerated.

        1. +1 I started taking Wellbutrin for depression and it helped with that almost immediately and did not cause any side effects.

          1. I think the catch with Wellbutrin is sometimes the long ramp up period. My psychiatrist and pharmacist said it takes six to eight weeks of putting up with the side effects of initiation before its intended effects settle in fully. Some people do okay with the ramp up, but others really have to wait it out if they want to experience all the potential benefits it was prescribed for.

            Of course not everyone tolerates it long term either (I didn’t). But it was still like a different med once that ramp up finished.

        3. It’s also generally known to increase energy levels, not cause fatigue. That was both my personal experience and common enough to be the reason my doctor prescribed it over other options that are more sedating, though obviously ymmv.

    9. I think it’s sketch that you were given all 3 to start all at once.

      Will you know which med is causing which side effect?

    10. This is a lot of medicine for someone who is not a medicine person. BUT all of the medicines are well studied, have been around for many decades, are generally well tolerated or can be easily discontinued if they have side effects. And they all have been shown to assist weight loss. And they are all cheap, and likely covered by your insurance.

      I would never start all 3 right away. You start one at a time, make sure you tolerate them and watch for side effects, then add on the next one after a significantly long interval. Did she give you a plan like this?

      I agree with talking to your PCP.

      But remember there are side effects and risks with GLP-1 meds too, and they are crazy expensive and a who knows how long (lifetime?) of a commitment.

    11. That’s odd. I’ve been taking a weight loss program through hers since January and was prescribed compounded semaglutide, which I inject once per week. The meds they prescribe might have something to do with how much weight you want to lose. I’ve lost 34 pounds so far and am now in the healthy range per the BMI chart. If I were you, I would send them a message through the app and ask if you can just take a GLP-1. They definitely sell different versions of them.

    12. So you ordered drugs from what is effectively an online pill factory and now are seeking online advice about whether to take them? I don’t frame it that way to be mean, but rather to say that I think some conversations and decisions need to be made almost entirely offline, with the help of a qualified professional you’ve met more than once.

    13. My sister had the same thing happen and took the pills for a few days before realizing what a terrible mix it was and stopped. She then went to a medi-spa where she got real access to GLP-1s and has been able to lose more than 20 pounds. I would ditch Hers, talk to your PCP, and find a more reputable place that actually carries GLP1s. They helped me lost 30 pounds and I am so thankful.

  10. I’m trying to wear less black and every time I do I end up with a stain on the shirt, which makes me want to keep wearing all black. How can I retrain myself to (apparently) not be a slob?

    2. Be super careful when you eat. I’ve trained myself out of being a slob. If I know I’m going to eat something potentially messy, I put a jacket or sweatshirt on over my clothes. I actually have what essentially is a snuggie for just this purpose when I eat in my office. If you spill something on yourself, wash it out immediately with soap and water or at least a Tide pen.

  11. The scene: 3pm PST on the Friday before a 3-day weekend

    Me: shares a whole bunch of assets that are currently available for immediate use by marketing, sales, product, engineering, customers, everyone

    Executive: Can I get this other asset instead? And can I get it right now?

    Me, screaming into the void: well I wasn’t planning to drink tonight, buuutttt….

    My actual response: I’ve put this request into the queue for next week, when everyone returns from the long weekend. I can give you [hacked version] today if you need it immediately.

    2. Bet that will feel real good when you make the layoff list. Work does not care about your happy hour.

        2. I’m unaware of a US jurisdiction that protects a rude response to an executive asking you to do your job.

          1. Champion of labor rights over here. “When your boss says jump, you only say ‘how high?'”

            People put up with way too much because of this shift in power. Just because you lick boots all day long doesn’t mean I can’t (professionally) tell my boss to shove it.

          2. If you’re dumping the a large volume of the wrong work product on everyone at 3 pm the day before a 3 day weekend, you are the problem, not your boss.

          1. What is wrong with the people on this board? Just let the woman vent about a very relatable scenario. And a gleeful “Yes!” response? Are you 12?

            I saw a comment a few weeks ago speculating that the responses on this board could be so nasty because people were using it as a dumping ground for anxiety during the work day, or from the work week. Maybe Kat should add a toggle to comment submission, where we acknowledge we’re in a community of stressed-out, high-achieving women, and should be thoughtful accordingly.

          2. I was flippant with my “yes” because I don’t think pointing out that it sounds like this poster failed to confirm or anticipate what was needed is at all rude and that it’s wildly oversensitive to say it is. It’s something all of us had to learn as junior employees—if what you deliver isn’t complete, you’re going to have to rapidly scrape together what’s missing.

  12. Does anyone have MM Lafleur items in the cool charcoal color / origamitech fabric? On my monitor, the color looks like it has a tinge of purple, and I’m worried it’s not a true grey.

    1. I do and it is a grey-ish purple to me. I love it though! Can easily be worn as a neutral.

  13. European here. We have a lot of them, at universities, museums, churches. The doors of the stalls are higher, we do not have the gap you do. Still I do not like them, because they are always more smelly and dirty than only women’s restrooms.

  15. Looking for housewarming gift ideas to ship to a friend who moved from one house to another within the same neighborhood. I am in another state. Friend has spouse, kids, and pets. Budget around $100.

    1. Ice cream scoop, bottle opener, or similar small kitchen tool, sent directly from online vendor.

    2. Cute new dishtowels; something from a local vendor (like a soap holder or little jar for the bathroom); funny/cute welcome mat

    3. Do you know what they like / need?

      Maybe send them a bag of bulbs to plant in their garden now, so they will come up in spring.

      Based on my friends’ preferences, I usually give something consumable, an indoor plant (ficus tree or orchid), something for their new garden, or something they need for their kitchen. No cutesy stuff. Useful stuff.

      But once I gave a gift certificate for a cleaning service, which was appreciated.

  16. To Friday’s memorization-averse MCAT taker:
    Laughing at the comments, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I was in pre-vet, was accepted into vet school (not first choice but not bad) and ultimately decided not to go because I understood that the majority of the prep is memorization since there is just not enough time to actually learn the mechanisms, and at 20 I thought a vet would only be able to get into the cool nitty gritty as a university professor or a PI with a talent for grant applications (who knows if that’s true). 20+ years later, I still don’t know if this was the right choice. I would have been poorer from a HHI perspective though maybe richer personally since all of my classmates who are now vets are childfree (not necessarily implying cause and effect but I was always on the fence about kids until I actually had my first so I could see it going the opposite way just as easily) and I would not be living in a cool big city. But, I would maybe have a clear job description, a mission, community ties, and the potential to be a practice owner (for better or worse given vet suicide rates). It’s an alternate timeline. Now that I’m older and wiser I am 100% sure I could hack it. As things get more complicated and higher level within any trade, a whole bunch of stuff is memorization or approximation and you pull it out and dissect it for how it actually works when it matters. Or, as it gets more serious, you call an expert in that one thing. Including the tax code. I ended up in accounting, then finance – so extra giggles to the last part of your post.

    But humor aside, I think the best thing you can do is chill, talk to actual real doctors, like the ones here on this board and in real life, and figure out if you are willing to commit to the sweaty grind of flashcards now for the life that they lead. If you have ADHD or just a general hyperfocus mindset (you like to get into things! learn all about it! go to sleep with the sunrise! hate mnemonic devices!) I highly highly recommend opening your mind and going to a doctor and a therapist and stating that you are studying for the medical school entrance exam and need help learning without going into hyperfocus which sucks out your lifeforce too quickly to learn for such a broad exam. There are actual drugs that can help that aren’t going to turn you into a zombie and there are actual learning devices that you maybe taught yourself to sneer at because you were good at AP bio with hyperfocus but now you truly need those. That is, if you decide you’re gonna do it. Good luck!

    1. Interesting. You completely understand what she’s saying yet you recommend drugs. I wish people would not encourage the incoherent anxiety dumps that are so prevalent here. It is not actually possible to understand them, you’re just surmising based on your own experience & trying to help … which is a nice gesture but let’s admit OP was completely incoherent & your best effort involves thinking “this person should be medicated & I’m going to diagnose her on the internet.”

      1. If the original poster was really that incoherent, advice to go to a doctor and a therapist seems pretty benign to me.

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