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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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Anon531
Where do I find some warm and stylish leather jackets to wear in winter and early spring?
Housecounsel
My favorite ones are from Topshop and Alice & Olivia.
Anonymous
Acne, Aritzia, All Saints
Ellen
Elizabeth, I love this Banana Republic high waisted pencil skirt, and told the manageing partner I would do my best to keep my weight in check so that I can look good wearing this. Plus, it is washeable so I can save dry cleaning costs by having this done @ home.
Am I the only one worried about the Corona Virus? Dad tells me this will be a mess in a matter of a few weeks, yet no one is preparing here for it. He says there is no vacine for it, so if we get it, we just have to sweat it out for weeks at home. Dad thinks there should be a special group of scientists commissioned to figure out how to contain it b/f it gets to the NYC subways where there are alot of people who can spread it. I agree we must be viligent to get this under control b/f it becomes like the Sars virus or the others where we get all panicky. Who else agrees with me?
Anon for this
This is a follow-up to someone else’s question regarding working remotely.
I’m a candidate for a position where I would move from litigation at a government agency to an administrative law judge position for another government agency. It actually sounds like my dream gig, the hearings I would be presiding over are in my area of law. The catch is that it’s the first fully remote position offered by this particular agency for the particular job. The other ALJs work out of a main office in the state capital.
I was selected to participate in the first round of interviews and I’m trying to be very mindful about what questions to ask. I know the basics about the position itself, but I’m wondering about the logistics of being a fully remote employee. Basically, I would do my admin/prep work at home and then travel to different government offices in my section of the state for the hearings.
I have a friend who works in this position in the main office and loves it, but I’m concerned about being the test case for a remote position.
Any other questions I should be asking/focusing on? And, side note, if any of you have worked as an ALJ or hearing officer, I would love to hear your thoughts.
Lilliet
No advice but congratulations and good luck! It sounds like an amazing opportunity!
Anonymous
I would ask what the “test case” part of it will entail . . . are there plans for regular debriefings on how it’s going? Is there some kind of benchmark they’re looking for that tells them a remote position like this is workable? If they don’t know and are trying to figure it out, how involved will you be in the process of figuring out whether it’s workable?
And…what happens if it’s discovered that this position doesn’t work as a fully remote one? Would the person holding it (you) be moved into working from a main office? Would the position be eliminated? Some other options?
TheElms
I’m not sure if this is a good idea (so others should definitely say if they disagree) but why not be really open about this being your dream job, that you’ve seen this is the first time the position is offered as remote, that you want the remote aspect of the job to work because of your interest in the job/area of law, so does the agency have any concerns about the remote nature of the job and have a conversation up front about how you can help mitigate those. I think it might work because it shows you are a team player and invested in the success of the new role. But its definitely the kind of conversation you’d be more likely to have as someone in the role transitioning to remote rather than someone trying to get the job in the first place. It might also ease any apprehension you have about being the test case, depending on the answer you get.
Anonymous
That sounds awful! Instead of people coming to your courtroom where you have supplies and records and staff, you have to travel for everything? Sounds like a cost cutting plan with no benefit to you.
Anonymous
How will the technology work, what are you responsible for, how do you handle information security and document security?
Also, after you have an offer: who pays for travel, do you get mileage, do you need any special insurance on your vehicle? We lose power all the time at home; if you do, maybe ask how that would be handled.
Anon
I did exactly this! (It was a temporary assignment to get through a backlog of cases.)
The remote aspect isn’t a big deal, except that you don’t have a permanent office the way other people do. Now, everyone was basically remote – we could come into the main office to do hearings, but the vast majority of our hearings were scattered throughout the state.
So the things that mattered were how much commuting we had to do. Twice a week, I was driving 70 miles each way. Make sure there’s some sort of reimbursement for that, and also ensure that the planned schedule is reasonable. Do they have you driving for five to six hours a day? What is their planned rotation schedule for different offices?
Our schedule was four days of hearings, one day to write. Would you be able to/allowed to go into the main office if you have designated writing days?
Anon
Is this a big western state? Curious because I know there are areas in OR with such limited tax base and such intense brain-drain that the whole court system is provided by people visiting from other places.
Legally Brunette
I can’t speak to being an ALJ but I am an attorney and transitioned to a full time remote position 6 months ago, when I moved across the country with my family. Like your situation, I have my dream job and my objective has been to keep it for as long as possible. I was worried that I would hate working remotely and feel lonely but that hasn’t been the case at all. It has been great (and I’m quite the extrovert). I would ask the following:
1. What travel expenses will be reimbursed (hotel, flight, mileage, food, etc.)? Hopefully it’s absolutely everything but you want to make sure that it is.
2. Will you have a weekly check in or periodic check in on the phone/video with your boss?
3. Will they pay for you to return to the main office periodically, so that you can be seen and check in with colleagues? How often?
anon
Apologies for the threadjack, but just curious, how did you find your fully remote position? I’ve been trying to do this but with no luck.
Anon for this
Thanks all, OP here and you’ve given me some great questions to ask. This is a SEUS state where I already work for the state, just at another agency so I’m fairly certain I know about reimbursement/travel costs but I will make a point to confirm that it’s the same. As for the traveling to different locations for hearings, this is routine for these ALJ positions in my state no matter where it’s based. Some of the hearings are held in the state capitol, but routinely they are held at the counties where the particular issue arises. The area I would cover would be the same area I cover for my current job (approximately 1/4 of a relatively small state) so the travel would be mostly day trips. From looking at the schedule of the ALJ who is currently covering this area, it looks like I would have hearings approximately 1 week of the month and the rest of the time would be prep work and/or preparing post-hearing orders. There would also be monthly travel to the capitol (about 2 hours away) for staff meetings.
I really appreciate all who chimed in with comments and suggestions.
Cb
Any recommendations for small kitchen design and renovation? All the ones I’m finding online are not what I’d class as small or are open kitchens rather than U shaped.
Diana Barry
Have you tried the IKEA online tool? I know they have lots of smaller scale design choices.
Junior Associate
Sarah Susanka’s Not So Big House concepts? I remember reading her books when my parents were remodeling. Sadly not applicable in my tiny studio apartment, but here is a piece on kitchen remodeling layout principles for a U shaped kitchen: https://www.remodeling.hw.net/business/design/work-triangle-and-appliance-placement
Marilla
If you can find an independent kitchen designer (not affiliated with one of the kitchen supply stores/fabricators), it’s worth paying them a consultation or design fee. We are planning a reno including new kitchen and I tried to figure out the kitchen piece on my own. In the end I hired a local kitchen designer, pretty reasonably priced. She gave me three design options and one was the clear winner. She so easily and intuitively figured out a design that fit my needs and took into consideration all kinds of little details. Totally recommend hiring someone for this if you have the budget.
anon
If you read the blog Young House Love their very first home had a U shaped kitchen makeover. I think they’ve also recently covered smaller kitchen makeovers that others have done as well.
Anonymous
I’m obsessed with Herringbone Kitchens on Instagram, they post a lot of open plan but do have some nice modern ideas in general.
Anon
Go to a kitchen store or model homes and see examples in real life. Kitchen design stores will make a rendering for free – it’s not Pinterest but they are great at designing kitchens that work and work well.
Anon
In the last few weeks I have received emails from numerous companies (my bank, my water company, my cable company and I think one other company) telling me my account was locked due to multiple invalid login attempts. I did not make any invalid login attempts. These are not phishing emails – in each case, I called the company directly and they confirmed that invalid login attempts had been made, and I reset my passwords. I use a password manager and have strong 16+ digit randomly generated passwords. Does anyone know why this is happening in so many places at once? Is there anything I should be doing to protect myself? My credit is frozen with the major credit bureaus.
Anon
Someone is trying to gain access to your accounts. You did the right thing freezing your credit. Did you look at your credit reports for attempts to open new credit cards?
Anon
I would set up two-factor authentication on any account that has that option. Also, if you have gmail, you can make aliases for different services (e.g., “jane.doe+netflix@gmail.com”) to help you figure out where breaches are occurring. Otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing what you can.
anon
Yeah, it sounds like someone got hold of your email address in some customer data breach and is seeing whether you have logins anywhere using that address. If you’d be reusing the same password for different logins, you would be hacked now.
Anon
Change ALL the passwords. My husband had something like this happen to him (strong passwords with LastPass) and they somehow got into one of his frequent flyer account and spent his miles on tickets… He caught it just in time and the airline was helpful but someone must have got a surprise at the airport.
TexasJr
Can I get a recommendation for a good legal recruiter in Houston? I’m a junior transactional associate in biglaw looking to change firms.
Kale
I’m a nonequity partner at a firm where I joined as a lateral associate more than 5 years ago and was the highest billing associate for a couple of years in the run up to partner. I recently decided to switch to another firm where I have a better shot at making equity (my firm is mostly originations based, other places give personal collections more weight). Gave 2 weeks notice, planned on not working for the 2 weeks after that and then will be starting at the new firm. I’ve been working hard to transition the work and to finish up my projects and leave them in a good place.
Our state licensing fees are due within my last 2 weeks so the current firm just emailed telling me that the firm is not going to pay for my fee. Is this typical for firms after someone has given notice or is it unusual? I am a little offended as I am doing client work for firm clients at the moment and need to close out my last month, file transition notices with courts, etc and to withhold $500 in dues is so petty (when I was job searching I learned that my firm pays way under market). They’ve already taken away my parking benefit so I’m already paying for daily parking in downtown.
Should I say anything or move on? Should I ask my new firm pay for it even though I’m not starting there for another 3 weeks (and it’s a much smaller firm), of just eat the $500 bar dues?
Angela
I wouldn’t say it’s unusual for them not to pay your bar dues for the prospective year, since you won’t be using your bar membership to do work for the firm. Your new firm should pay for it. Can you just plan to wait to pay them after you start at your new firm and asked to be reimbursed? (I recognize there might be a late fee at that point but /shrug)
Anonymous
So I was going to say that they are not being unreasonable, and you should settle on a pro-rated amount for the two week period (e.g. $50-100), but then I read that they already took your parking. If they are petty enough to take your parking, I’m not sure you’re going to get them to pay your bar fees.
Anonymous
I would eat the $500 but I would raise a stink about the parking situation. You’re still working there! If they don’t want to pay for a full month then they should reimburse you for the daily parking expense.
But also – do partners give 2 weeks notice? Maybe I’m just not privy to this information, but I was always under the impression that partner departures happen pretty quickly.
Anonymous
Partners where I walk get perp walked out.
Anonymous
Partners leaving for a competitor get shown the door and everything for them stops at once (incl. cancelling any travel if you were going to speak at something, etc.). Partners retiring get to decide how they transition and for how long. Partners going to a client get a party and a lot of fussing over.
Nan
Ha! Yes, this!
Anon
Depends on the firm and situation. Most partnership agreements have longer notice periods but firms typically but do not always waive them
Anon
Until you got to the parking comment, I figured that it was understandable why they don’t want to pay the fees after you have given notice. But taking away your parking benefits during your notice period is so petty, that it makes me hate your firm on your behalf – you are still working there and should get the normal benefits that someone gets as an employee. It’s not like a (normal, functional) company will cancel someone’s health insurance during the notice period.
At this point, personally, I would just let it go. It sounds like you are getting a substantial raise with the move, and I would just consider this something that is coming out of that raise. Given that they are being so petty about the parking, I don’t think you can change their mind. Another option I would consider is asking your new firm to reimburse for the expense after you have started. But I would personally probably not do that, as I would not want to be starting a new job by asking for reimbursement for expenses I incurred prior to starting.
Anonymous
What’s usual in my market is for old firm and new firm to split the cost of the licensing fees on a pro-rata basis. I’d suggest that, as both firms presumably expected to cover the cost of you having a legal licence for the time you work for them.
anon
When I left my previous firm, they did not pay my bar dues, which had to be paid during my notice period. I used all the money in my FSA account for a year’s worth of contacts and called it even.
I’d raise a stink about parking though. You still work there and have reason to be in the office.
Anonymous
Do you think that these two things are their way of telling you (obviously indirectly) that you shouldn’t be coming in anymore?
Anon
I would have told them that my last day working was the last day they were paying for parking. Framed very nicely as as “I completely understand you want me to leave immediately so no need to pay my salary for my notice period. Good luck and please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions about my cases or need me to sign notices of withdrawal. I should be generally available to talk for the next 2 weeks.”
And same for your bar dues. “I am so sorry, but I am not prepared to pay my bar dues out of my own pocket. If you do not need me for the next two weeks, I certainly understand. But if you want me to work for you as an attorney, you will need to pay them.”
Gut Check
I have given notice and will be leaving my in-house job in a few months. I had a lead on a position at a firm that looked decent on paper, but after learning more it seems like a bad fit. They expect a lot more very public business development than I can manage (introvert here) and the focus is an area of law I would prefer to move away from long term. Also, the culture was what I would describe as “old white man.” I want to turn them down, but my husband, who normally does not have much of an opinion on these things, is pushing me to reconsider. Money is not an immediate concern, but I am worried about having too big of a gap on my resume, and the job market here is not good. I have a tendency to be overly critical so I want to make sure I’m not making a hasty decision.
Angela
It’s always easier to find a job when you have a job. Take the job offer you have, since it’s the only one you have, and keep searching. It might end up being a better fit than you think and you can stay there. Or, if not, it’s still better to be looking for the next thing while having the security of an existing job. A short tenure at a given job is better than a resume gap of the equivalent period.
OP
I should have mentioned that I can’t do this. First, the market in my area is very small and it would be extremely damaging to my reputation. Second, I already have one short stint on my resume that is fairly recent (there is a good explanation but it has come up at every interview).
Anon
In that case, you need to be applying like mad to try to find a new job before your old one ends.
Angela
So, I guess I’m assuming you actually have an offer from this less-than-ideal firm, but correct me if I’m wrong. So your choices are (1) take job at less-than-ideal firm and stay for a minimum of, what, 2 years? or (2) continue job hunting and have a resume gap of indeterminate length.
I still don’t see how a months-long resume gap is less reputation-damaging than a quick stint at a job that you could later characterize as not being a good fit, let alone having actual income and a better platform for job hunting in the meantime. But it sounds like you’ve made up your mind, so do what you think is best.
Anonymous
Then why’d you quit without a plan
Anon
Right, this.
I have quit without another job lined up, because the harassment was making me physically ill. (FWIW, after I filed suit, everyone involved – VP, HR, harasser – was s–tcanned.) I ultimately landed in a reasonable place, but it was a long, hard road, and even years later, that situation comes up in interviews.
Since then, my feeling is that I’ve used up my pass, and I have to stay in roles for a long time to demonstrate that I’m not a flake, a job-hopper, or someone who shouldn’t be hired.
Anon
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Your decision to leave in those circumstances was not really a decision, and you should not feel like you have to apologize in any way for having that on your resume!
I think the question here, though, was why you are leaving your current job.
Anonymous
If the market in your area is very small, can you just reach out to the rest of the market to see if they need someone / are looking / want to meet? I would think you’d know right away if there would be nothing there. If there isn’t, it doesn’t seem that there is any option but to accept the job offer you have if you are going to work.
OP
Yes, I have done this and have a few other leads so I am hesitant to take this one without running those down fully.
Anonymous
Apply for the job. You put yourself in a bind by quitting with no plan. You can’t tell what a job is like on paper. Apply and see what you learn. I agree with your husband.
Anonymous
All law firms have some degree of old white guy culture going on. That isn’t a reason not to go. Go. Be a good worker. Your next move may give you better options.
Why did you give notice with nothing else lined up?
OP
I gave notice without something else lined up because I am burnt out and it is causing significant issues in my personal life (health, relationship, etc.) I do not want to go from the frying pan to the fire, so to speak.
OP
This is unnecessarily rude. I did not quit without a plan. I am lucky to be in a position I do not have to work for some time, and so my plan is that I won’t if I don’t find a suitable position.
Also, I did apply. It looked good on paper, as I said, but after meeting them several times, it is not really what was advertised and it would be taking me in a direction I am trying to avoid. We are at the offer stage and I don’t want to accept given what I have learned.
Anonymous
Well ok then, remind your husband of that and don’t take the job. Your posts have a definite spoiled princess vibe, most of us actually need jobs so the advice is different.
Anon
Then it sounds like you’ve made up your mind. I’m not sure what you want from us.
Anon
If this board backs her up, she can go back to her husband (who is pushing her to reconsider) and give him that feedback
Anon
“I am lucky to be in a position I do not have to work for some time, and so my plan is that I won’t if I don’t find a suitable position.”
If you want to be substantively employed in the future, this is not about money, but about how it looks on your resume and what that says to future employers. If you were changing careers or semi-retiring, what you did would be fine. But you don’t want to stop working entirely, and so you do need to be concerned about having a however-long gap on your resume that isn’t easily explainable beyond “I was burned out.” As a hiring manager, gaps don’t concern me unless the explanation is vague. “I was caring for elderly parents” or “I was staying home with my kid” or “I took a sabbatical and went to India” are fine with me. “I was burned out and quit without having another job” – I’m going to wonder if you’ll just mic drop and walk out on me if the chips are down. If you really want time off, frame it to your husband and future employers as a “sabbatical” and do something with that time. Take continuing ed classes, become a yoga instructor, travel, whatever. Be prepared to explain the gap.
You’re getting good advice and I don’t know why you’re being so defensive about it, unless you’re having significant misgivings about your decision. Spoiler alert, no workplace is perfect. Any law firm you try to go to is going to have its own unique set of issues. If you don’t want to work in law now is a good time to make a change but there needs to be a plan for what that change looks like. I would do some self-reflection and get to the bottom of why you did this pretty drastic thing without a plan B, and then now are turning your nose up at the Plan B the universe is offering you over what I think are minor, typical considerations. This is probably about more than just being burned out at work.
OP
Thank you. You are right there is more to it than burn out. I would describe it more as a mid life crisis than spoiled princess but the point is well taken.
Anon
In that case, therapy.
Anon
To be fair, most people do not have the privilege of acting out a midlife crisis.
rosie
It sounds like your plan was to quit regardless of whether you had something else lined up, and now you are doubting that. Gently, you are not providing enough info for internet strangers to help you evaluate any part of this decisionmaking. Burn out is real and it might be worth processing with a therapist as you job search to help you figure out your next steps and figure out if red flags you perceive are real concerns or leftover impacts of being in a bad work environment.
anon
I think your burnout is clouding your judgment, and I say that as someone who has been there before. After having that experience, almost any job can look bad. I knew I was in dire straights when I couldn’t read a job description without reflexively thinking, “I don’t want to do that.” In interview situations, it did not take me long to find the drawbacks and negative points of just about everything.
The poster above is right: there is no such thing as the perfect job, or the perfect environment. My solution was to stay put, not take a new job, and work through my burnout issues in therapy. Because there’s usually an underlying reason beyond the obvious.
If you don’t want to take this job, fine, but do consider really digging into what led to your burnout in the first place and what thought patterns might’ve made it worse. Without doing that, you are not in a great emotional space to evaluate a job offer.
OP
Thank you. I have been in therapy for this but had not considered my judgment was still clouded. Something to think about for sure.
January
+1. I was terribly burned out when I left my last firm, which spilled over into my feelings about my new/current job. Things eventually improved, once I recovered from the last job. Maybe a sabbatical is what you need, but if that’s the case, you should own that and figure out what you want to do with your time off.
Not the OP
Without commenting on your specific situation, I will add that I’m often shocked at the rudeness of the replies on this forum. Makes me wonder if these posters are this harsh in to people in person, or if it’s the de-personalization effect of an online community. I think what’s happening is that people have pent-up smugness that feels satisfying to release in a situation where they won’t receive personal reputational blowback.
People, be kind. Even online.
Anon
The only rude responses in this thread are from the OP.
Anonymous
No one has been rude.
Anon
Again, for the people in the back: Giving advice that you don’t want to hear doesn’t mean somebody is rude.
lawsuited
I think some of it is an occupational hazard. My non-lawyer friends would respond to this problem by nodding sympathetically to my rationalizations, but my lawyer friends will drill down and if I avoid the questions or try to rationalize my way out of them, I quickly get short responses like “Then why’d you quit without a plan”. A discussion in my own life where I was hoping to get my best lawyer friend’s blessing to quit without a job lined up ended with “well, if you want to screw yourself over, I guess that’s your prerogative.” She was right and I wasn’t offended.
January
@lawsuited: yes, exactly! I feel like the Mars/Venus thing about how men try to solve your problems and women empathize with them doesn’t really apply to lawyers.
Angela
Yeah, I mean, to be fair, OP’s original post did not contain a direct question. So maybe she just wanted head pats and sympathy of OMG that’s so hard, how mean of that law firm to not be the perfect job for you. I will proudly self-identify as a lawyer who went into question-asking and problem-solving mode and gave a major eyeroll to OP’s responses. /shrug.
lawsuited
Do you have any other irons in the fire? Could you speed up the process with any other employers you’re talking to by leveraging the offer from “old white man” firm? (I assume you have an offer from OWM firm because I don’t know what else you’d be “turning down”.) If this is the only job offer you’re likely to encounter in the next month or so, then I agree with others that you should take it. Quitting your job without another job lined up tends to signal a level of desperation that (rightly or wrongly) gives prospective employers pause. Regardless of what your financial situation is, I think doing what you can to avoid a gap in your work history reduces that chance that prospective employers will think along those lines.
Anonymous
Also, consider reading the introverts guides to business development. You don’t have to be jovial to build a book.
Anon
As someone who quit a job (as an attorney) with nothing else lined up (because harassment-related stress than was ruining my health and seriously impacting my family), I think this board’s horror of gaps in your resume are unwarranted. I did some minor contract work for about a year while I looked for the job I wanted. And when asked, I just said that I had family obligations that had since resolved. People made assumptions about kids and parents but that was a perfect acceptable response. It certainly did not keep me from being interviewed and hired.
Anonymous
Agree that having no qualms about lying in a job interview would definitely go a long way in solving OP’s problem.
Cat Mom
Someone else posted on her recently about the logistics of a medical walking boot. I just ended up in one over the weekend and I found a product online called that you strap to your other shoe to raise the height so your gait isn’t so messed up. I use it anytime I have a regular sneaker on my good foot.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B071VP3WDF/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Also, I found these shoes have as close to perfect height for my good foot for work. When I’m wearing black pants over my black boot with this shoe on the other foot people have commented that they didn’t even notice my medical boot until hours later. I’m sure they notice me off balanced and limping though! It’s a Life Stride memory foam bootie with a low heel, a decorative buckle and a zipper. I can’t find the exact same shoe online but they look similar to this height and style:
https://www.lifestride.com/en-US/Product/83983-5261916/LifeStride/Black/Womens+Xaria+Medium_Wide+Bootie.aspx
I hope this helps you and you feel better soon too!
Negotiate salary?
I got a job offer, yay! It’s generous and is in line with what the industry could pay for my level of experience and is a nice bump from my current salary. However, leave time are non negotiable and 401k match is much less than at my current job. The difference of leave and retirement combined is about 5% additional. This is totally reasonable to ask for right?
Anonymous
Yes. Ask for 10%.
Anon
Thanks! This shouldn’t be hard but I keep struggling with “it’s already a great offer!” and “there’s always room for negotiation. Don’t leave money on the table.”
Anonymous
Does anyone have any safety tips for driving across a state (Texas) that might not be obvious to someone from Europe? For example, in the U.K. if an unmarked police car indicates they want to pull you over then in rural areas you can refuse to stop till you have reached a town or petrol station. I’m wondering if there’s things beyond always having half a tank of gas and a charged phone etc.
Anon
Definitely pull over for a police car right away in Texas. We live in a quasi-fascist country. Executive authority trumps all. Make sure that your passport is readily available, esp if you are not white.
Lily
Yes, pull over for a MARKED police car, but not for an unmarked car, especially if you’re in the middle of nowhere. If an unmarked car tries to pull you over, step on the gas and call 911.
Anonymous
In the US, police imposters are a thing, so if you are single/female/at night/alone, call 911 and get to a lighted all-night place (truck stop / gas station) as soon as you can. Real police will understand fear of predators.
AnonInfinity
Yes! I also would turn on my flashers to signal that I see the car trying to pull me over,and I’m doing my best to get it done safely.
Anon
From an actual Texan:
It is VERY customary to wait to pull over to a populated area or an area with video cameras (parking lot, gas station, etc.). Put your blinkers on and slow down to signal that you’ve seen the officer and are complying.
At the very least DO NOT STOP until you’re under a street light so the police car camera can clearly capture what’s happening.
busybee
Americans do not live in a “quasi-fascist state” and to say that is insulting to the millions of people who truly do live under dictators and despots. The US ranks 25 out of 167 in the EIU democracy index.
pugsnbourbon
Sure on a macro level we live in a democracy, but when a cop pulls over a POC non-resident (or hell, even a citizen) it can closely resemble a fascist state.
Anon
Sure, if you’re white and wealthy.
Anon @ 10:04
Sounds about white.
Anon
As a non-white expat from a largely gun-free Asian country who recently relocated to the US, I’ve heard the following advice (readers correct me if I’m wrong or if local rules vary):
– Don’t go too fast but don’t go too slow either.
– Never get out of your car if you get pulled over by the police.
– Do not make any sudden movements like opening your glove compartment or reaching into your jacket or bag for your wallet when asked for an ID. The police will assume you’re pulling out a gun and shoot you.
– Don’t make eye contact if you run across aggressive drivers.
Jeffiner
Roll down the window a few inches to talk, then keep both hands on the steering wheel. If its night, turn on your cabin dome light.
Anon
Just stay calm.
When I’ve been pulled over, I shut the car off, remove the keys and place them on the dash.
It takes the officer a minute or so to get out of their car and approach your vehicle. Best practice in busy areas tends to be to approach the passenger side (makes sense… less chance of getting hit by another vehicle), so the officer might approach either side of the vehicle. While you’re waiting for the officer to approach, get out your license, registration and insurance info. Keep your hands visible. Don’t do anything weird like trying to tidy up your vehicle. That looks super sketchy, like you’re trying to hide something.
Disagree
I’ve been always told to never start getting stuff out until the office is at your car. Looking for a license and registration is the same motion as looking for a gun. Hands on the steering wheel from the moment you pull over until you are talking to officer. And say “Let me get my registration from my glovebox and my license from my bag on the passenger seat.”
CountC
+1,000 I’m white so far less risk for me, but I never move my hands once pulled over. Once my vehicle is stopped, I roll down the window and put my hands outside of the vehicle until the officer is next to my car and I tell him/her exactly what I am doing. I am no longer in a relationship with a LEO, but I have had officers remark on the hands out the window practice as being a good one
anon
both hands out? I can picture resting your left arm on the frame if the window is open. But having your right hand out the window – I can only imagine super-awkward postures for that. Can you give more detail?
CountC
Hmm, sure. I just turn myself so I am facing out the window and put my hands out the window so my arms are perpendicular to the side of the car. Usually, I don’t have to wait very long so it’s not uncomfortable for me.
Anonymous
While you’re waiting for the officer to approach, get out your license, registration and insurance info.
I don’t do this, and wait for them to come over and ask for it, so they can watch me pull them out.
pugsnbourbon
And move SLOWLY, and narrate what you’re doing.
LaurenB
I an white and non-threatening, but I would never reach for license, etc. I was taught to keep my hands high on the wheel til the officer is at my side, and narrate any moves I subsequently make.
A relative who is an OB-gyn was rushing to a delivery and got pulled over. He got out of the car with the intent of saying “officer, this is an emergency, follow me to the hospital if you must but I really need to get there.” The cop pulled a gun on him!
Anon
LaurenB, how on earth would the cop have known he was an obgyn and was going to explain that? It’s far safer for the cop to pull his gun in case he’s dealing with an armed criminal.
anon
Although I’ve not been to Texas, I was surprised in my first US road trip, how vast areas outside of cities often have no cell reception and where I was driving, no decent radio either. So download your routing information before starting, maybe have a paper map for backup, and have some music or audiobooks to keep you entertained.
Senior Attorney
Satellite radio was invented for long road trips!! Drive across the whole country without changing the channel!
NYC Girl
Downloading google offline maps is a good idea for rural areas.
Anonymous
Also, if you get pulled at night, some police will wait for another police car to arrive before they get out of their car and approach you. Varies by jurisdiction, but it is not a sign of escalation but done to protect lone officers when they are most likely to encounter people up to no good. Just sit tight and be patient.
Angela
Keep plenty of water in the car — not sure when your trip is, but it gets HOT in Texas and being in hot, remote areas without water is very dangerous. I’d just throw a gallon or two in the trunk.
Anonymous
This.
I do it in AZ/NV when I am renting a car there (always to drive to the grand canyon or through some remote areas).
Jeffiner
If you’re on the Interstate, stay in the right lane unless you’re passing someone. If you’re on a regular road, farm trucks and tractors will drive on the shoulder. It means they want you to pass them, even if you think they’re going the speed limit. Pay attention to the “no facilities for X00 miles” signs, not every little town on a map has a gas station or convenience store.
Mallory
Hey there! I’m from Texas and am happy to answer any questions. A lot of these folks have good points, but some things come to mind:
1. If you’re literally going across the state, the drive is LONG. I find some folks from other countries are unprepared for that – load up on podcasts!
2. Cell phone reception can be spotty in rural areas. It’s good to have a plan if you have car trouble. But, in general, if you’re on a major highway it’s not usually a concern, it’s the small roads where it’s more of an issue.
3. Depending on where you are in the state and what time of year it is, you will want to be prepared for weather extremes. Summer – have a sun shade for your windshield for when you’re parked (you’ll thank me!), and you 100% want air conditioning that works. Also, crack your windows when you’re parked. Winter – if you’re in the panhandle or similar areas, you can encounter snow/wind.
4. Speed – we drive fast, so be prepared! It not uncommon for people to be 10-15mph over the speed limit. You need to be deliberate in your movements – when getting on the highway, for example, don’t attempt to merge on going 35mph when everyone is going 75mph. If you don’t want to drive fast, stay in the right lane. However, keeping with the flow of traffic is usually a good idea.
5. Driving through towns – often, if you’re driving through a town, there will be signs gradually reducing the speed limit (60, 55, 45, 30). Even if you see others speeding, do NOT be tempted to do so – these areas are famous for small town cops waiting to pull people over.
5. Fun stuff – there are usually great places to stop in small towns – so if you have the time, do a bit of Googling. For example, the town of West is famous for it’s kolaches. Also, stop at a Buccee’s for gas & snacks if you can. It’s SO American, and SO over the top. Get some beef jerky. :)
A road trip in Texas is a right of passage – have a great time!
potato
There is an app, RoadsideAmerica, that catalogs (as is probably obvious) roadside attractions. It’s pretty fun!
Anon
Louisianan here, second the recommendation for kolaches and Buccee’s (and Buccee’s kolaches – sausage, cheese, jalapeno)
Anon
Always get gas if you’re below a half tank at the nearest gas station. There are some patches of Texas where there can be more than 100 miles between gas stations.
Pep
I would top off the gas tank when you make rest/meal stops. I wouldn’t count on 24-hour availability of gas everywhere you go.
Hj
Difference from Europe (at least where I’m from) is if you get pulled over police will want to see license AND registration. Make sure you have that. Don’t reach for any until asked. They’ll check tags to make sure car is not stolen and also check license for outstanding warrants and all that takes time. Don’t step out of the car in the meantime, just hang tight. The way they approach your car and how they stand (you’ll notice they’ll stand somewhat behind you) is for their protection because they have to assume you’re armed (‘merica). They do a need a reason to pull you over so if you drive lawfully and car is up to standards you shouldn’t be pulled over in the first place (ie make sure all your lights work, including break lights and tag lights).
Anonymous
In the US, we have so many laws that you are nearly guaranteed to be noncompliant. But don’t make yourself a target. Know what the law is re texting while driving and hands-free phone or any phone use while driving, which varies from state to state. I’ve seen that be such an easy way to get pulled (e.g., even if everyone is speeding, the guy speeding and texting will get pulled). Your rental car may not have TX plates.
AnonInfinity
No matter what the law says in a certain state, don’t text and drive. That is so unsafe.
Anon
Use cruise control and go the speed limit.
Be very mindful of how many miles you have left on the tank and where the gas stations are. My recommendation is to look to fill up your tank when you have about 150-200 miles left; that way, if one gas station really gives you the creeps and the next one isn’t for 50 miles, you’re still in good shape.
Do not count on cell signal unless you have a very good provider.
Bring snacks, water, and Gatorade. It gets hot.
If you are pulled over in the U.S., get your license and registration out while the officer is running your plates. Once the officer approaches your vehicle and talks to you, explain what you are doing before you reach into a glove compartment or your purse. (Their fear is that you may be reaching for a weapon. FWIW, I know an officer who had the good sense to pull his gun on a person he pulled over who made a sudden movement; the man was reaching for a gun underneath the driver’s seat.) “My license is in my purse. Mind if I get it out?” If my purse is large, I open it so they can shine their flashlights inside and then rummage for my wallet.
Incidentally, this has helped me to get written warnings instead of tickets.
OP
I’ve seen creepy gas stations in films, are they really like that?
Anonymous
Not usually (some are), but some are better than others. The ones that cater to truckers tend to have larger/cleaner bathrooms. I don’t know what chains are in Texas, but in my area of the country, Sheetz and Flying J are usually good. Someone in Texas can weigh in on best options there.
Mallory
Hello, Texan here. :)
You don’t really need to worry about sticking to particular chains of gas stations – because there is so much long-distance driving, there are a lot of very large gas stations that cater to travelers – they’ll be easy to spot. Usually gas station/fast food/restaurant combos. Unless, of course, you’re on smaller roads – then just use common sense. If it looks sketchy, no need to stop there. But honestly, I’ve never had any issues, and I’ve clocked MANY hours on the road.
As to specific chains, I’ve already mentioned Buccee’s – they are less common, but people like them because they don’t allow truckers (no large truck traffic) and have really, really nice bathrooms. Love’s (another chain) is also a favorite. We also have a few Flying Js.
Jeffiner
If you see someone else pulled over by a police officer, or any other emergency vehicle (fire truck, ambulance, tow truck) with flashing lights, move over one lane if its a multi-lane highway. If you can’t move over, you’re supposed to drop 20 mph below the speed limit to pass the emergency scene. Sometimes cops play leap frog to catch people not obeying that law.
AnonInfinity
Also if you drive through a work zone with workers present, be very mindful of the speed limit. In most places you can get a huge fine multiplier if you’re going over the speed limit with workers present. Plus, safety.
OP
Thanks for the tips so far! Anything to watch out for around common scams or types of places to avoid?
Anon
No but good grief does this entire thread make me sad for America.
Anonymous
The fact that apparently we’re 25th on the EIU democracy index made me sad.
Coach Laura
But we are 5th most economically free nation, per Canada’s Fraser Institute, which publishes rankings yearly. Rank factors include size of government, legal system, sound money, freedom to trade internationally and includes gender disparity. Link to follow.
Coach Laura
https://www.fraserinstitute.org/studies/economic-freedom-of-the-world-2019-annual-report?utm_source=Media-Releases&utm_campaign=Economic-Freedom-of-the-World-2019&utm_medium=Media&utm_content=Learn_More&utm_term=430
Anonymous
Fraser Institute is a right wing think tank. They’ll measure whatever metrics they think will give them the results they want. They think all govt regulation and taxes are bad. No one other than Canada’s Conservative Party takes them seriously.
Anonymous
I’m really confused why you think an institute measuring economic freedom wouldn’t weigh their rankings against economic regulation.
Anon
I’m an American, and I think 99% of the things on this thread are crazy. I would probably feel differently if I was a POC, so that is probably my white privilege showing.
Anon
I’m a POC and I agree that this thread sounds crazy to me. I’m also from Texas. Y
Angela
I dono about common scams, but anyone who approaches you randomly in a gas station parking lot should be ignored/avoided as much as possible. Do not engage, politely decline and get in your car and get out of there.
Mallory
Hello, The Texan again – I don’t think there is anything you need to worry about beyond using common sense. If something doesn’t feel right, use your gut. I know bad things can happen, but I think you’ll have a great time! I don’t mean to be at all dismissive of the folks commenting, but most of the things people have mentioned here are worst case scenarios. Would you mind sharing where you’ll be driving? I’m curious. :)
Anonymous
Thanks for the advice! We aren’t actually 100% sure at the moment but we are looking for recommendations for a dude ranch in the Houston area (or on the way to Austin) for a couple of nights if you have any suggestions!
Mallory
You’re welcome! Unfortunately, don’t have any specific recommendations for that area. If i think of any I’ll post here. If you’re open to something more upscale vs rustic, the Lost Pines resort outside of Austin is nice.
Anonymous
I recently was driving across Texas and got pulled over by TX Highway Patrol in the middle of nowhere. I was in a rental SUV with a TX plate, and yes, I was speeding. He was in an SUV in the middle of the road/median, and he pulled me over. I’ve had my license 20 years, and I’ve never been stopped before. It was a new and somewhat frightening experience because his SUV wasn’t clearly marked. It was a black SUV with writing on the back, but nothing on the front. I didn’t see the back until he left and passed me. I had the same concerns about whether to pull over or not, so I only rolled the passenger window down partway.
I kept my hands on the wheel and turned off the car with the blinkers left on. He walked over to my passenger side and asked for license and registration. I got my license out and gave him the rental car paperwork. He asked why I was in Texas (for work), where I was coming from and going to, and how long I’d be there. He then went back to his car and returned with a ticket.
I was surprised I got a $275 ticket. Apparently getting off with a warning for your first violation is a myth on TV. The ticket didn’t even say the price. I had to call the local Justice of the Peace (like a civil magistrate) for the county a few days later. They didn’t even have the ticket yet. I called back a week later, and they had it. They said if I’d been a TX resident, I could have paid like $25 for an online driving course and had the ticket waived. Because I was out of state, I had to pay a fine, which was $275. Clearly, it is revenue enhancement for out of state drivers.
Anonymous
If anyone is curious, I was going 85 in a 75. The ticket was for 10%+ over the speed limit.
Anon
Does anyone have any favorite diy craft blogs they love? I’m in the mood to do a craft project and am looking for inspiration. I love Pinterest but I’m looking for something a little more curated.
Cb
A Beautiful Mess can veer towards the twee but I always like their projects.
Angela
Young House Love in their earlier years had a lot of goofy but super easy and cute crafting ideas.
Anon
I have been struggling to find the motivation to do anything recently and I’ve decided I’m going to set up a reward system for myself (yes, like you would for a child.) I plan to set goals of things like “doing the dishes every day this week” and if I do that, I get a small reward. What little rewards would motivate you to do things like this? So far I’m thinking a new bottle of nail polish, a magazine, flowers.. Any other ideas?
anon
My favorite brand of potato chips, coffee to go, a houseplant. I used to do a version of this where every time I would keep my exercise habit, I’d put a dollar in a jar, seeing the money increase physically and eventually treat myself to something nice.
Angela
– nice pens
– cheap fun sunglasses
– cute makeup bags
– candle
JHC
I’m interested in hearing about this. I have no self control so I typically go straight to giving myself the reward.
Mallory
Getting coffee from the fancy coffee place before work.
Anonymous
Stickers on a calendar (yes, like I was 6) really helped me work out more
Lily
Help me style these boots? (link to follow). I love them, but I don’t think midi skirts or cropped/wide leg pants are flattering on me. Could I style these with skinny jeans or is the shaft too high for that?
lily
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/shoes/boots/pointedtoe-sadie-boots-in-suede/AB115
Anony
It looks to high for skinny jeans but a boot cut or straight leg would work!
Anon
What’s the easiest liquid eyeliner for a newbie?
Anon
One of those pens that has the wing stamp on the end so you have more control and it dries faster.
lsw
I am basically unskilled at makeup and love the Eyeko liquid liners. It’s more like a marker than a long skinny paintbrush, so I find it much easier to control. I recently (as in, earlier this week) bought a Sephora brand one in brown because it is hard to find brown eyeliners, and so far I am having good luck with that one too!
Anon
Yes, get the marker kind that isn’t so runny. You’ll have better control. I go to Sephora and try different ones on my hand to find the one that I think “writes” best.
pugsnbourbon
The NYX pens.
Anonymous
Lancome Artliner. It’s like coloring with a felt tip pen. Imposible to screw up.
Anon
Brown or grey colors are much more forgiving than black, mistakes aren’t as visible. I don’t buy waterproof as it’s harder to correct. The NYX Epic Ink liquid eyeliner is my favorite and frequently recommended here.
lawsuited
I have tried literally dozens, and recommend the Clinique Pretty Easy liquid liner pen. It really is pretty easy!
Anonymous
I’m just getting back into the job force after some years away and have some questions about how to set up my link ed in. How do I address such a long gap? I’ve been doing some ghost writing for different places that I can’t name, how do I include this? Do any of you who use link ed in have security issues, such as past relationships, that you want to minimize their knowledge of your location and doings, how is this addressed–and one of the biggest blocks to me starting an account yet. If I’m interested in a company and think a person, that I don’t know personally, is interesting to work for/connect with, do I just follow them, to make the connection as a friend or can I send a note saying, “read and loved your book on [technical topic]” and then something else? Any other tips? Thank you!!
Anon
It probably depends on your industry but no one I know really cares about what’s on your linkedin or would be concerned about seeing gaps.
Anon
Following. I have link edin but clearly don’t use it effectively. Has anyone paid for a professional makeover service? Any recs or ones to avoid?
Anon
Ghost writing: Your job title is “Freelancer” and your company is “Self.” Describe the work without describing the company.
If there are a few people whom you do not want seeing your LinkedIn, find them and block them.
I’m generally against sending friend/connection requests to people you do not know personally.
Anonymous
Possibly specify freelance writer creating blog posts/articles/newsletter content for your specific industry or the topics you write about, or freelance (include the type of writing here) writer. I wouldn’t say ghost writer in the title though.
Anon
You don’t need to make your profile public and searchable, then nobody is going to stumble across it. It can only be accessed by people you add as friends so if you are working with specific recruiters/firms you could add only them.
Anonymous
Random question that I am genuinely curious about. Yesterday I was answering some life and financial update questions for my accountant to file my family’s 2019 taxes. One of them was something to the effect of “Do you have an income under LLCs for 2019”? This got me thinking – outside of having your own business that does business as XYZ LLC, do you have any LLCs? If so, for what purpose were they formed? I know that some of the professional athletes in my area own their homes via an LLC for privacy reasons, but that was the only example I really came up with where someone is using an LLC in a non business way. So, since this board is full of smart ladies, I am just curious if anyone else uses LLCs in their daily lives outside of an income generating business.
Angela
I’ve had landlords that used LLCs to collect rent payments (and that perhaps owned the property). Not sure if that’s what you’re looking for.
Anon
My dad owned a CPA firm and has all their real estate in an LLC to create an additional layer in the event of a malpractice claim against the firm (which was an LLC itself). We share a vacation home with them so I technically am part owner of that LLC.
CountC
Not me, but several women at my barn buy and sell their horses through LLCs. They don’t work, so no affiliation with that type of income stream.
Anonymous
“don’t work” and “buy and sell their horses” in the same sentence blows my mind. I have been riding all my life and have only recently come to realize just how much money A-level show types spend on horses and wonder how people afford it all. I’m in like the 2% of HHI in this country and it’s still unfathomable to me.
CountC
Yea, I am a squinch above the top 10% and it’s incredible to me. Luckily, everyone is super duper nice at my barn, but the amount of money spent on board/full board for multiple horses, plus 40+ A shows a year, plus 8 weeks in Florida (now), plus multiple custom saddles, plus randomly buying a horse you see at a horse show that you like is legit unfathomable to me!
Anonymous
OMG yes, the 8 weeks in Florida. I don’t understand how people (other than actual professional riders who do this for a living) “go to Wellington for the season.” Like, what about work? Life responsibilities? How do amateurs do this? It’s a mind-boggling amount of wealth.
Anonymous
The amateurs at my barn either have husbands with very well-paying jobs, family business money (one generation removed, not old money), or a trust fund, and for Florida, they fly back and forth each week because they also have kids (three a piece). They have local family that helps to watch the kids while they are gone or they build family vacations around the horse shows and go to Disney. The juniors fly back and forth also, although we are mostly an adult barn.
I just want to reiterate, they are very lovely people!!
anon rider
I board at a 75+ horse barn and am referred to as “the one who works.” Moving my horses there definitely opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. LOL
Anonymous
thanks all! I was just wondering if there was anything like “oh, we have an investment account in the name of a LLC for X purpose” (I just made that up, I don’t even know if you could do that). I figure a lot of people own property via a LLC, but was wondering if there were other things that normal-ish people did with them besides business and owning property. The horses comment is something I did not know.
Vicky Austin
My mother uses one to accept funds for taking her students abroad. It’s sponsored by a larger program but not one that is part of the school, so this was her way around accepting money “for herself.” It’s not an income generator since she just uses everything to buy the kids’ airline tickets, etc.
Anon
So there’ s a regional firm that I’m interested in — it’s grown a fair amount in my state over the years and seems like it could be an interesting exit from government (most of my career with biglaw and then I went to the government and it’s been 4+ years and while it’s fine, I just don’t want to stay and miss firm life but am not tied to biglaw or a certain comp or anything). Turns out a guy in my associate class at biglaw is now at this firm and is a junior partner. He was a nice enough guy but we never knew each other well because we were in very different practice groups and he stayed at the firm for 4 or so years and then moved cities and joined this firm. I’d like to reach out but am thinking — is there any way to tone down the — I haven’t talked to you/seen you in close to 10 years but I want a job so OMG we must do lunch . . . . Reality is IDK how helpful he in particular can be, though I’d like to just generally speak about the firm, what kind of work it’s getting, and what would be more helpful would be eventual contacts at his firm in my practice area. So I’m not asking HIM for a job, but if I like what I hear — let’s be real, I’d want to ask someone for a job. Part of me is like — it’s too awkward, just submit a resume online and see what happens. But part of me is thinking — I’m way to senior for that, firms like this prefer connections etc. So how do you handle the initial email and hopefully eventual coffee with him? Would you be pretty direct about what you want or do the fake “omg we must catch up” thing?
Anon
I would be direct in that you are starting to explore opportunities outside of government, and would love to chat about his perspective. And then actually ask him about the market, his firm and others that he knows about. IMO, it’s unreasonable and unhelpful to get your eyes set on one firm. There is too high a probability that that one firm isn’t going to be hiring in your practice area and at your level for years, if ever. If you want to leave government, you need to be open to moving to more than 1 specific firm.
Anon
OP here — absolutely. I don’t mean to suggest this is the ONLY firm I’m interested it. This is one of them simply because it seems like they’re becoming a bigger fish. But yeah it would also be helpful to chat with people who can say — you know such-and-such firm down the road actually has a good practice in x.
Lily
Don’t say “we must catch up” if you were never even friends. That will be transparent and awkward. Just say (assuming he will recognize your name when you reach out) hi, hope you’re well, I saw you were at x firm, I’m starting to think about next steps and would love to chat over a coffee/lunch about your experience at a [smaller/midsize] firm etc etc etc. Then maybe you can add at the end, “look forward to catching up.”
Hazel
Definitely don’t do the fake “catch up” — odds are he’ll see through it and be less than impressed. Directness is a better route: “Hey, we worked at X together, and I see you’re now at Y — I’m interested in the firm and would like to hear more about your experience; coffee sometime?”
AnonInfinity
In these situations, I try to be relatively transparent and have low expectations. So, I might say something like, “I came across an opportunity at X Firm, and noticed you’re a partner there when I was looking into it. If you have some time, I’d love to catch up a bit and hear what you think of the firm, especially as a BIGLAW FIRM refugee [or whatever term you like].” If he responds positively, I’d suggest either a coffee or a phone call so he can pick whatever commitment level he wants to make. You’ll be able to tell quickly either way whether he’s able to really recommend you or not, and either way, you will get some good information!
I hate it when people do the whole “OMG, I haven’t seen you in FOREVER, let’s get some lunch!!!!” when we haven’t talked in a long time and it’s clear they just want info or to make a pitch. On the other hand, I’m happy to talk about my job/path/whatever if a person just freaking asks about it, even if I don’t know that person well.
Anonymous
Be straight forward about your potential interest: ask if they are looking to staff up your practice area with someone with your seniority. He can then shoot your note to the right person to find out what their needs are.
Anon
This. People may consider this too direct, but when I was networking for jobs a few years ago, I feel like people were the MOST responsive to a request being THIS direct. Frankly it’s because people are busy — most don’t want to/have time to have lunch or coffee or whatever and THEN go back to the office and seek out the right people to introduce you to and then send intro emails or whatever; unless they are truly a friend, they just don’t care this much. Yet the easier you make it for them, the more you get people who’ll say — nice to hear from you; I just mentioned to Joe in our tax department that you may be interested, and he’s happy to chat. Then you get a call/meeting directly with someone in your area who can give you the scoop that’ll be helpful. Basically set things up so this guy can hit forward on an email to a relevant person at the firm.
Plus you maintain a friendly tone this whole time so if this guy IS a true extrovert who wants to meet up, he will himself suggest lunch or coffee; if he’s busy or an introvert, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to help but he may want to help by mentioning it to the tax partner next door and then forwarding your email.
AFT
Agree to be direct and don’t pretend you want to “catch up” with someone you never were close with. I think fronting the question a bit is the right idea, and I’ve definitely done the “reach out to former peer associate out of the blue” thing with good results. Maybe a message like “Hi Jeff – hope you’re well! I’m been following what [your firm] has been doing in the area of [whatever] and was wondering if you’d have some time to grab coffee? I’ve been at [gov’t agency] for the last few years and I’m starting to explore next steps – would appreciate your input and feedback!” Possible he’ll blow you off, but also very likely he’ll respond (for good or selfish reasons like a referral bonus). Trust me that the cringey email is the worst part of the process and everything gets easier after.
Anon
What terms are used for tops that knot in the center? What are the terms used for tops that nip in? I am trying to search them on p0shmark but am thinking there are more that I am not finding because I’m not using the descriptive words most use. Thanks!
Anonymous
“knot detail” and “fitted” may help but YMMV
Anon
Look at this list. These are brands that make basics that have bust darts. They fit much better and don’t make that tent effect. The Polish brands (Urkye) tend to be very inexpensive – I doubt you will get anything better/cheaper via Poshmark. Downside is they don’t go very large in general, so if you can’t find your size head over to Bravissimo which has occasional sales and is still quite reasonable.
https://hourglassy.com/clothing-for-big-busts/
lawsuited
Search for “knot” or “twist”. Also, ASOS has a lot of these types of tops which they call “knot front” so check those out.
Anon.
Can I do a do-over of this Thursday, please?
My day started at 6am finding a dead mouse in one of the traps we had to set up recently because the critters got into our home again. And I found another one that had managed to activate the trap, hurt himself, had bled over the kitchen floor, but still managed to eat the peanut butter bait. Uuuuuuuuggghhhh!!!
Then my 4 year old refused to cooperate with EVRYTHING this morning. Wrong plate for his toast, wrong knife, wrong video on iPad while I shower, wrong pants, wrong shirt, then shirt of choice got wet while washing hands, only clean shirt left in closet he didn’t want. Then same fight over toothbrushing, putting on shoes, taking a jacket, and getting buckled up in the car. By the time we arrived at daycare, I was ready to book a flight to an island in the sun for just myself.
Then daycare put out a schedule with three “family parties” at 3 pm on random weekdays in the next three weeks, and of course some other parent who wasn’t late this morning had signed up for paper plates and napkins already.
I was 15 min late for a meeting, and couldn’t get an important stakeholder for something else on the phone as they’ve just gone on a 2 week vacation without telling me yesterday on the phone.
Argh, I hate everyone and everything this morning!!! Feeling like a ragey Godzilla! Grrrrrrrrrr!
The Original ...
Forget a redo of Thursday, let’s just skip the rest of today and start again tomorrow?
As for the parties, phone those in; choose something you can buy premade or post in a social media group in your area asking if someone can make x affordably. I once knew a teen who made her own crudite platters for busy parents where all she had to do was chop and plate things but she charged less than grocery stores and parents liked to pay her rather than the store. Brownies from a mix or slice and bake cookies are also options. Remember that kids don’t care or don’t want fancy anyway!
As for the mickeys, I am so so sorry, I have lived with them and there’s nothing to do but either move to a hotel (I considered it and would have if I had Melinda Gates kinda money) or keep at it. Sending love!
Anon.
Thanks!
I will totally buy the orange juice for these ridiculous parties.
Belle Boyd
Just as an FYI — My local grocery store often has brownie mix on sale for $1. I stock up. You can’t make brownies from scratch for a buck, and the mixes taste good. They’re quick to throw together when you need a quick dessert (or a chocolate fix). If you want to get fancy, throw in a handful or two of chocolate chips or chopped nuts (when you aren’t baking for a daycare party, of course!) Kids won’t know the difference if they’re out of a box and I’m willing to bet most parents won’t either.
And I love the kid with the idea of making her own crudite platters. Why didn’t I think of that when I was a teen, damn it???
OP, I feel ya on the mouse situation. I hate those critters and hope you get them under control soon! Meanwhile, here’s hoping the rest of the day goes smoothly. Sending virtual hugs and wine!
Anon
The random daycare parties make me so so mad. I get that the teachers probably just need a break but it would be much nicer to the rest of us to just ask for volunteers to help in the classroom. I would even volunteer a couple times a year. But of course we all want to leave work early to hang out with other haggard parents in a tiny space with tiny chairs and pretend to enjoy store bought food. Or else your kid will be the only one without their grownup there. It makes me so mad. I started to just pick up my kid early. If I’m forced to take time off work I may as well enjoy hanging out with my child and not have to worry a special stop to spend money on bad food no one will eat.
Anonymous
+1 I always mail in the daycare party. I bring pre packaged mini cupcakes from the grocery store and then we leave SUPER early. That’s what the teachers want anyway.
Anon
Yeah if my daycare had this many 3pm parties I’d be looking for a new daycare.
My old daycare had two parties per year and they were Saturday mornings.
The only time I had to show up in the middle of the day was “graduation” for each of my kids.
Anon.
You are so right with everything. I’m too old for small chairs!!!
Angela
Haha!! Oh someone will eat it… just not the people it’s ostensibly intended for…
Anonymous
Bring a bunch of happy meals to the party, tell everyone it’s what the kids really want, and then you will be absolved of ever having to contribute in the future…
Anon.
Hahahahaha! Love this.
Anonymous
guys! dirty secret! You don’t have to sign up for this stuff. I’m a “room mom” this year so I’m the one putting together the sign-ups and i just discovered that there are always more people than slots. Feel free not to sign up for this one!! It never occurred to me until I was getting the emails of everyone signing up and went to sign up and things were all booked.
Also: OMG don’t take time off for these daycare parties. Save it for elementary school when you will get harassed by your kid for not attending.
Anonymous
This! I bring when I can, and just skip if it’s too much at the moment. I also pick and choose the parties I attend (Halloween usually, bc costumes and that’s cute, and Easter, because of the egg hunt activity – the rest, well, forget it).
Worry About Yourself
Wait so you have a daycare requiring parents to come in at 3PM on weekdays? Don’t they realize that most, if not all, of the kids are in daycare because both parents work during the day?
I don’t have kids, let alone kids in daycare, so for all I know this is super normal, but it sounds messed up. People go on waitlists and spend a ton of money on daycare so they can focus on work during the day knowing their kids are taken care of, having to take the afternoon off for a daycare potluck kinda defeats the purpose.
Anon.
You got that right, it is ridiculous.
I will say that our daycare does have only a few of those during the year – Valentine’s day (aka friendship party), holiday parties (Xmas, Thanksgiving), and a few random ones. This ridiculous schedule right now is an exception from the usual frequency – I am not intending to go to every one of these parties.
The time of day is because different teachers have different shifts, I think. Some work 7-4, others 9-6. My son’s main teacher works 8-5, and I never see her outside parent-teacher conference because I drop him off before 8 and my husband does pickups.
Anon
I’m sorry and that sounds terrible. We’ve all been there. Someday this will be a funny story you will tell yourself and your kid?
I had many of these disasters when my kids were little and now they are in elementary & middle school. I tell them about the morning one of them had a poop-splosion and I was late for work due to cleaning up and there was another crisis at daycare since I forgot their nap-blanket and got in late to work as a disheveled mess. And wouldn’t you know it, my then-new CEO (of a couple weeks) who I had never met, had happened to move *up* the time of our meeting, so I was about 10 minutes late for a first-time meeting with my boss’s boss, with whom I had really wanted to make a good impression. All’s well that ends well. Hope you are able to have a relaxed evening!
Is it Friday yet?
More effective than peanut butter is super-gluing a piece of kibble (dog or cat, doesn’t matter) to the trigger of a cheap snap trap. The mouse can’t lick it off the way it can peanut butter, so the trap is more likely to trap and kill instantly as Mickey is trying to grab.
Anon
Please don’t do this to your preschooler, OP!
Anon
Cookie cake — any place to get a decent one in the DC area — specifically on the orange line corridor. Grew up in NJ where grocery stores would just have them, as well as a few specific cookie stores, but I haven’t seen them anywhere here. Is this a regional thing?
rosie
I think Harris Teeter near me (NW DC) has them. Also Insomnia Cookies — for some reason I want to say there is one by Foggy Bottom, but check — although you may have to order in advance, don’t know.
Anon
Safeway has them.
Anon
Would you take a 2/3 salary cut to work part time in your last 5-10 years of working? I have that opportunity now and it’s hard to think about giving up the corporate money but I’m so, so sick of the BS (and it is particularly back-biting at my company, which is flailing.) I’m leaving the company either way, at some point, but it really is hard to find another senior job in your mid-50s. I have an opportunity to take over a half of a book of business as more or less an independent contractor, but the pay cut stings.
More info, I have enough saved for retirement, emergency fund and all of that.
The Original ...
If you’ve saved enough to retire and are sick of it, why haven’t you retired yet? If the answer is financial, I’d maybe stick with the big money job and get out asap since the focus is financial. If it’s for something to do or prestige or something, then go for the work from home set up since the focus is happiness and you may then want to work for longer so you’ll want the happiness prioritized.
Anon
I mean this is 100% dependent on your finances and your comfort with your finances and your views of money. Do you see the last 5-10 years of your career as a time to stockpile more $$$$ or do you see it more as a wind down in the sense of – I have more than I’ll need, I just want to be happy . . . . No one can tell you how you feel about this, nor is anyone else’s circumstance relevant here because for all you know they are in a very different financial position or they are someone who needs $14 mil to retire comfortably while you need $1.5 mil etc.
Anonymous
Nope. That doesn’t sound like a position you can rely on
Anony
I don’t know if this is helpful or not but that’s exactly what both of my parents did. They both retired from their full-time jobs at 57/58 (I think… it’s been a few years) and now both have part-time jobs in their fields – Dad is a consultant and Mom does accounting/payroll. They are loving life – always going to their camp, traveling, and doing fun things. It seems to be a common thing in my state – the winding down, part-time jobs until fully retiring, etc.
Anon
My parents did this, and I plan to do it too. Assuming finances are in good shape, I actually plan to semi-retire around 55 when my youngest kid is through college.
lawsuited
My MIL just did this. She was so sick of her company and was around retirement age so wanted to quit entirely, but instead moved into a consulting role (as an independent contractor). It turns out that it really was the corporate BS, and not the work, that was wearing her down. She has time and bandwidth to do other things she enjoys and is much, much happier. I think she’s probably bought herself another 10 years of happy work life just because she’s got balance now.
Anon
Are there other jobs you could get for the same or similar salary that might be a lot more fulfilling? Do your skills translate to non-profits? Could you start a consulting business?
Senior Attorney
I feel like that’s really retiring and working part time in retirement. If that’s what you want to do and you can afford it, then go for it.
anon
This. My husband and I are planning a phased retirement, and the first phase is to work part-time starting in our late 40s (he is already doing this, I will start in about 5 years). At that point, we’ll have fully funded our retirements (there is a specific dollar amount we want to hit) and paid off our mortgage, and we’ll keep working for health insurance and to cover our living expenses. We won’t be drawing down any of our retirement accounts until we reach a more traditional retirement age.
Anon
I’m OP. You just described my plan, basically. I will continue to contribute the max to 401k but no major chunks to savings. We are pretty much at our retirement savings goal, which is not extravagant but along the usual guidelines. I need healthcare and to support our daily living expenses so that we don’t draw on retirement until retirement age.
anon
In that case, I’d say to go for it! The pay cut will probably sting a bit when you think about that aspect of your finances, but if you’re otherwise ok and your quality of life is higher, you’ll be happy enough to more than mitigate that.
Texan In Exile
If health insurance came with the job, absolutely yes.
anon
I’ve realized that my work wardrobe could benefit from some jackets or third pieces that make everything look like a more complete outfit. Most of the senior women in my org wear some kind of blazer or jacket daily.
I have a hard time finding anything that I like, despite being a standard size. For whatever reason, they always feel really heavy around my shoulders and neck. I loathe feeling tight and constricted for 9 hours a day. I suppose collarless blazers are my answer — has anyone found any good ones lately?
Anokha
The MM LaFleur jardigans end up being my third piece
Anonymous
You might try lighter weight or stretch fabrics. I find wool with stretch much more comfortable than 100 wool.
Anonymous
I also really don’t like the feeling of heaviness or bulk around my neck and shoulders. I’ve had good luck with blazers from Loft – they’re so soft and stretchy they feel like I’m wearing a cardigan but they have the overall shape/structure of a blazer. Not all of them are like that, but I have a few now from them that I love. I hear that a lot of people don’t like the quality at Loft but I’ve been really happy with my Loft blazers (purchased at one of their ubiquitous 40% off sales).
Cat
The JCrew Going Out Blazer is popular but not lightweight. I do find it friendlier to wear than traditional jackets.
Anon
I always like my third piece to have some stretch so I do a lot of jardigan type pieces. For a presentation or a more formal meeting I will wear a real blazer but it’s not my favorite. For everyday, must be knit.
PS check out Misook. There’s some wild stuff, but there are also stretchy jackets that look like St John
HW
Agree with the knit/stretchy blazer recommendations. I have one from Banana Republic that looks like a tweed but is in fact super stretchy and comfortable. It doesn’t feel heavy on my shoulders either.
Anonymous
You guyyyyyyssss. I hate MLMs. I really do. I’m also trying really hard to make friends. You know where this is going. A new friend of mine that’s had our family over for dinner/drinks before, invited me to her 40th b’day party, etc. just sent me an invite for an MLM thing. She’s not selling it, she’s hosting. I know her well enough that this is just an excuse to have snacks and a party- she’s a compulsive hostess. They are a family of significant means and she spends her time volunteering and running this massive nonprofit in our area (she’s ex big law; he’s a named partner at a big law office)- she doesn’t need a $150 hostess credit.
I really like her and her husband. Is it weird to go to the party since I’m 100% sure it’s an excuse to have a social event (just like book club)? I know that this is her trying to be friendly/keep inviting me to things and I’d hate to decline just because I generally don’t support MLMs.
I’m so conflicted! I really have no excuse not to go other than “i dont want to drink wine and hang out” which is not true at all. Also–as a side note, any suggestions for hosting something at my house that is an excuse to have people over and make friends that is NOT a MLM?
The Original ...
If you want to meet others there, I’d say go and be polite and then just not buy. (Come with the script in mind, maybe something like, “my shopping budget is tapped for the month -or quarter- but I’m happy to take home some info so I can consider it in the future!” or “My family is doing a ‘no buy February’ but I’ll definitely pass your name along if I hear a friend mention interest in -this product or this company-!”
As for invites that aren’t MLM, maybe a game night or a neighbor gathering or play group if you have kids or a clothing swap post in a local social media group?
Anonymous
We do have kids- that’s how we met this family actually. Their younger two and my older two went to preschool together. now they’re all at the same elem school so we’ve done a bunch of stuff together over the years but have more recently been “friends outside volunteering.” And our husbands really hit it off so they plan stuff half the time ;).
Worry About Yourself
I really don’t think it would be a big issue if you declined the invite and said you were busy that day. Or, if you’re comfortable saying so, you could just say you’re simply not a huge fan of sales parties. Either way, I doubt she’d be upset, and she definitely isn’t going to stop inviting you just because you declined one invitation, people don’t do that. If you decline three in a row, then she might stop inviting you, or only invite you to the really big stuff.
Anon
This, just decline the invitation.
Anonymous
Either decline graciously or go and buy something small. I think it’s rude to announce you don’t like MLM stuff and I say that as someone who generally avoids MLM stuff.
anon
You don’t need an “excuse” to invite people over. Invite people over! People are waiting to be invited over for a chill evening/afternoon/brunch/whatever.
Angela
To answer your questions:
Is it weird to go to the party? No, it’s not weird to go to the party.
Suggestions for hosting something — one of my favorite parties I ever hosted was a “wine and cheese” party — basically you just buy a ton of fancy cheese and either buy or make charcuterie boards, and everyone shows up with a bottle of something-to-drink to share (which most people do anyway when coming over to someone’s house).
But you could also just keep it really low key — I’m having people over to hang out starting around Y:00 on X day, hope you can make it!
Another good one is a “watch” party — it can be the Superbowl (short notice), any awards show, or even just a weekly installment of a reality TV show you think is fun, or a watch party for some of the live TV musicals they’re putting out these days. Something that’s light and with commercial breaks so that people can chat and get up periodically works best. This also has the advantage of having a set start and end time.
Anon
There’s nothing wrong with just going and not buying anything!
Anonymous
If you attend the expectation is that you will buy something … as proper etiquette. Like if you get a makeup/skincare consultation at a store or something and are expected to buy. So you might just want to decline vs getting caught up in supporting an MLM, which will probably lead to a bunch of other MLM invites, which is of course not what you want.
LaurenB
There’s no such expectation to buy.
Anonymous
That’s what they tell you so you’ll attend their time share presentation
Anon
I agree. The MLM seller will spend money on the party and I think it’s bad taste to go, eat the food paid for by the MLM seller, and play games paid for by the MLM seller with no intention to buy something. Either go and buy something small or don’t go. And this is coming from an MLM hater.
Angela
+1
AFT
I also hate MLMs with the fire of thousand suns … but am a suburban mom of elementary school kids and it’s hard to avoid. For in-person MLM events that I am not totally against and want to attend, I’ll go and plan to buy something small if most people are doing so. I’ve also gone to some events where a chunk of the group is not purchasing, and feel totally comfortable abstaining. If you’re not at all interested in the event (e.g., the adult product parties for me – i don’t need to know that about my friends) i’d just send your regrets.
anon
Not that you really need one, but my next excuse for hosting is a leap year get-together on Feb 29!
Anon
Where can I go in Florida that will be (i) direct flight from DCA; (ii) put me at a beach with a nice walkable beach town (some uber is fine and I’m fine to drive from the airport to the hotel but I don’t want to spend the entire time driving around); and (iii) nice/luxury hotels?
I’m sure it’s paranoid but as this coronavirus spreads, I’m assuming the spread will continue and while I feel fine traveling today, I don’t want to book a flight for a month from now and then feel like — ugh I don’t want to be on connecting flights thru big airports like ATL or Charlotte that are more likely to have big international populations passing thru than say a direct from DCA to some town in Florida. You’re already starting to see airline “scares” in the US like during SARS — someone pulled of a Vegas to BWI flight (after it had already flown the whole 6 hours) had to be tested so you know everyone on the flight was edgy for a few days after their vacation. Of course there’s no guarantees anywhere and this big airport metric is one I’ve just come up with myself.
The Original ...
FLL airport and stay at Hollywood Beach?
Anon
1) Google will tell you about the flights.
2) Stop panicking. The Lancet has a new study out that says the people who have died appeared to be the same people who would have died had they contracted regular ol’ pneumonia (i.e., older and sicker). It’s a virus and it sucks, but unless you’re immunocompromised, altering vacation plans because of a virus on the other side of the world is a bit much.https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-51305526
Anon
YMMV. You don’t know anything about OP’s health and/or that of anyone traveling with her. Plus I get her point. Right now I think this is NBD for domestic US flights, but typically you don’t book a flight the day before you leave. If has spread a lot in the US in the next month or 2, then your choices will be canceling/losing money. Better to give it some thought upfront. And even if it is NBD in the US going forward (fingers crossed), yeah there are always “scares” on flights through big airports/international crowds — it happened a lot with SARS and it sounds like it’s happening now too and frankly who wants to deal with that if they can avoid it by going someplace else?
Anon
But if you’re immunocompromised, then you shouldn’t be traveling anyway. Regardless of your health status, regular flu is much more likely to kill you.
rosie
I do kind of think this question could have stopped at “what’s a nice place in FL that I can get to via direct flight from DCA?” I live in the DMV area and am not interested in stopping over in Atlanta to get to Florida regardless of flu etc.
Cat
Naples – fly into RSW (~35-45 min drive to downtown), or Palm Beach – fly into PBI (~20 mins to the island IIRC, perhaps a bit more). Both totally Uberable.
rosie
Why don’t you book on SW so you can easily cancel it if that will help you feel less anxious? They have DCA to FLL and BWI to PBI, and I’m sure others.
Daffodil
SW also has direct flights from DCA to Tampa, you can then Uber to Clearwater or one of the other beaches around there.
The Original ...
A Thursday Thought…
I’ve been thinking about how often so many of us post about a relative who is horrible to us or a friend who has been mistreating us for years. If you are one of the people who has posted (or if you are someone who immediately had a name come to mind when reading that last sentence), you don’t need permission to remove toxicity from your life. No bloodline or set of shared memories entitles anyone to mistreat you.
There are so many amazing people here and so many of us focus too much energy on emotional vampires and not enough on self-care and on the people that make us happiest. (Speaking of, when you free yourself from the wrong people, don’t forget to reach out to the right people in your life to reconnect or reach out or just to let them know you appreciate them!)
What are YOU thinking about today?
Anonymous
Oh man
I’m the poster whose old friend made the comment about me not loving my baby because I didn’t bre@stfeed. She also went on rant on how awful nursery school was to me (“how could anyone just LEAVE their CHILD”) and my kid has been in daycare full time since he was six weeks old.
I literally haven’t talked to her in months and haven’t met her new baby. (Oops. I did send a gift. ) A mutual friend and I talked a few days ago and asked if we were in touch and I felt crazy guilty until I read this.
So thanks for posting this. Life is 100 better when you don’t spend time with people who make you feel terrible.
Anon
What a viper. That’s just an awful thing to say to someone.
anon
I had a longtime friend who, while I was pregnant with my first, made some incredibly vicious/unfounded comments about daycare. She knew full well that I was planning on being a working mom. It hurt, a lot, and I couldn’t get those comments out of my mind when I was a new mom struggling with PPD and harboring lots of guilt about returning to work. Our friendship was never the same after that and has dwindled to being Facebook friends and that’s about it. At one point, we were close enough that I was her daughter’s godmother. I think that whole conversation made it crystal-clear how much our values had diverged in adulthood.
Seventh Sister
I still don’t like the woman who made the first nasty comment about my first kid in daycare. And first kid is 11. Our kids go to the same middle school and I’m really glad they don’t have any classes together because I probably couldn’t stop myself from saying, “is your grade higher than so-and-so’s? because it better be!”
Seventh Sister
I feel like I get doubly offended by these kinds of comments because my mom worked in the 1980s and the other neighborhood moms were nasty to her*, and my kids were born 30 years later and I still got nasty comments.
*No, she didn’t rely on them for free childcare or car rides or even asked if we could run over to their house if we got locked out or there was a fire. Unsupervised latch-key all the way, baby!
Angela
I had a friend for about 15 years who I would describe as toxic. Like if you were to ask me, “Do you think Jane liked you?” I would say, “No, I don’t actually think she liked me.” But we spent time together and were “best friends” for a decade and a half. She will still often appear in my dreams, 10 years since we last spoke, so large a role did she play in my life.
Looking back, I think I just never thought of it in those terms at the time — Does Jane like me? Is she nice to me? Does she respect me? Does she make me feel happier? Does she make me feel good about myself? These are never questions I asked myself. We became friends when I was a child, before I had that language, and that was it — we were friends.
Worry About Yourself
I agree that no one needs permission to walk away from someone whose presence in their life is damaging their mental health, but sometimes it does help to write it out and get other people’s input, so you feel assured that you’re not crazy and it’s okay to let go of this person, because a lot of people do feel conflicted about this for a long time and delay severing those ties because of it.
Is it Friday yet?
Thanks for this, it’s very timely for me. I have a “friend” that I stopped speaking to a few months ago because I realized he was a selfish a** that was adding no value to my life (after being super close for a time, and then Stuff happened, and then he was involved in a super juvenile situation in which he completely betrayed me, and I tried to reconcile because we’re in the same friend group and it was uncomfortable and I missed him, and then he continued acting like a d***). We saw each other over the weekend at a mutual friend’s party, and ended up talking… and stuff… and agreed to have a sober conversation this weekend. It seemed like maybe there was possibility of positive developments, but somehow when I texted him this morning to set a time, he’s not available Friday, Saturday, or Sunday evenings, and also weekdays are never good for him, and he’s not suggesting alternatives. Also I have sort of discovered he’s jerking around another girl in our social group, which has really driven in the point that it’s not me, it’s HIM. BOY BYE.
Mary K
You definitely did the right thing. Sorry that it didn’t work out with him. Some men never mature.
Ellen
Yes, it is difficult to have men friends b/c most just want a lot of s-x, and that is not what I want in a friend unless he is my boyfriend.
Anonymous
This is probably too late, but this post really spoke to me. Last night, I told my friend off about something she’s been saying that bothers me. She is the only friend I confided in two years ago that my husband had been physically abusive. Several espisodes, one particularly severe. At the time she seemed supportive but was very focused on telling me how awful divorced life is, how horrible it would be for my kids, etc. (she is divorced). I stayed in the marriage. For some reason, every. single. time. I’ve spoken to her or seen her since then she gives me speeches on how lucky I am, how great he is, and constantly says “poor husband’ like “poor husband has to put up with so much from you, taking care of the kids, while you’re working late all the time”
It has always hurt me, but I’ve always ignored it. I finally told her I will not be in the friendship any longer because it so bad for my mental health. Because, with what she knows, it is like she’s saying I deserved it. And, like I should be so grateful bc I couldnt possibly do any better so I should be so grateful to have a man, any man, that will be with me.
Setting aside the sexist bullsh*t of the “Poor husband” gets to leave work at 2 and has to do the after school shift while his selfish shrew wife works her demanding job”, which is gross enough, I vowed I will NEVER listen to her say how great my H is. Even if he is great other than those incidents, she should not say it.
I am so proud of myself. Formerly, I would have felt the shame, ignored her for a while and gotten over it until the next time she said it.
Anon Probate Lawyer
Congrats on standing up for yourself. You absolutely should be proud. And I hope your husband has gotten the help he needs.
Anonymous
I need casual shoes to wear with jeans. What I’m looking for is something like a bootie–I see people rocking shoes like this around town. https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/lucky-brand-ponic-bootie/457377?cm_mmc=CSE-_-GPS-_-G_Shopping_Boots%20%26%20Booties-_-New_Boots%20%26%20Booties&cadevice=c&gclid=Cj0KCQiAmsrxBRDaARIsANyiD1rV7pq26r5-Il8ikUCPySs3QMQhgKvL4kRkcMTPjclA2NGBTnv0HxEaAnYfEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Except, I can’t do heels and I don’t see anything like this in a non-heeled style. Any other options? Right now I’m either wearing LL Bean boots or converse sneakers which do not work at all here in the Boston tundra.
I’m 6’0 and a size 11 shoe, so I don’t want extra height or length. I used to have brown flat boots that are now both too beat up and also too out of style.
Anon
What about these? https://www.amazon.com/Lucky-Brand-Womens-Basel-Bootie/dp/B00UPG53L0
I’ve had these in the toffee for a while now. They look like they have a heel but don’t really– I also cannot wear a heel and have been able to walk in these boots for miles.
pugsnbourbon
Similarly, the Sam Edelman Petty. There’s a very small heel (maybe an inch?) and they look pretty sleek in larger sizes.
Rhody Lawyer
I own those Lucky Brand boots and they are literally the most comfortable footwear I have.
Anon
Sperry (.com) has some good options.
NOLA
These boots look great and are incredibly comfortable. I have them in the gray: https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/franco-sarto-palazzo-chukka-boot/463204?activeColor=020
PolyD
I don’t want to be obvious, but DSW lets you search by shoe type, shoe size, heel height, etc. Why not put in your parameters and see what comes up? I think the world is lousy with booties (which I love because it is my favorite type of shoe) and it shouldn’t be too hard to find something similar, but with a lower heel.
Zappos and 6pm have good search functions, too, but since 6pm is Not Good about return shipping, find the shoe on 6pm then enter its exact name on Amazon (which is Not Good for letting you search shoes by parameters) to get better shipping and returns.
ValkyrieLawyer
My sisters and I all need shoes in the upper range of sizes (sizes 10, 11, and 13), and we’ve had great luck with Vaneli.
https://vanelishoes.com/boots/
Anon
Any insight into Cuyana bags? I’m considering the structured top and the zip tote. I’m wondering if the zip tote looks too slouchy and unprofessional? Are the organization inserts worth it? Any insight is appreciated. Also for the monogram, it gives the option of large or mini, but I can’t gauge what the sizes look like.
Anon
I have the structured and the zip top. The zip top is slightly less roomy than the structured but the same degree of slouchy because it’s made of the same leather. I like the look of a stiff bag that sits on the table upright but I have found them very uncomfortable to actually carry. The Cuyana is thick but soft leather, so it’s going to slouch a bit, but mine do not fall over or collapse.
Anon
Oh wow I’m disheartened to hear they are uncomfortable to carry. I’m hoping to go to the NYC store and check them out in person. It seems the straps are a bit longer on the zippered tote. Do you find that one more comfortable?
Anon
I don’t think she’s saying the Cuyana bag is uncomfortable to carry.
Anon
She says — ” I have found them very uncomfortable to actually carry”
Lily
Come on, now. She is referring to “a stiff bag that sits on the table” as being uncomfortable. She’s not referring to the zip top or the structured Cuyana totes.
Anon
Sorry just saw this. I find stiff bags uncomfortable to carry. I do not find Cuyana bags, which are slouchier, uncomfortable to carry, so that’s why I have two.
Anon
I have the zippered tote and love it and it does not look slouchy. I’ve used it with and without the insert and prefer the insert because that makes it stand up on its own.
South FL?
Is anyone here in the South FL area (the MIA or FLL type area) or go often for work? Just moved and would love to connect in person!
Anonymous
Dating vent. I’ve been dating a guy I met on an app about 2 months ago. He told me he isn’t sure if he wants a monogamous relationship, because he practices ethical non-monogamy. Um, ok. I asked what that looks like, and he said he was in a relationship with/dating 4 women at once last year. That sounds exhausting, BTW. I said we shouldn’t date anymore because I want a monogamous relationship. I think I called his bluff. Now, he’s texting that maybe he could be monogamous, that’s he’s not fundamentally opposed to it. Yeah, whatever bro.
It bothers me…what if I hadn’t called his bluff? I suppose he would have kept dating me and others. I don’t even see when he has time to date 4 women because we’ve been seeing each other a couple times a week and texting daily. I think its more likely he is gardening with various women, not actively dating them/being in a non-monogamous relationship (whatever that means).
Why not say this from the onset of dating? I learned I can’t assume men are looking for a monogamous relationship, even on a dating app (we met on the FB one. I’ve never tried Tinder due to the assumption it is for more casual interactions).
Worry About Yourself
When I was in college, I dated a guy who never really said he wanted a non-monogamous relationship, but seemed fixated on the open relationships and polyamorous lifestyles his friends were in, and it really got in my head that that’s what I wanted, so one day I just broke down crying and said I didn’t want an open relationship, so he said he was fine with being monogamous. We were only together for a couple months though, because it really seemed like he still wanted to garden with other women, or was curious about what it would be like to garden with other women, and honestly, while he was a nice guy, he wasn’t the guy for me and a part of me really wishes I’d just walked away when it became apparent we wanted different things, and calmly told him “you seem interested in non-monogamy, but to be honest, that’s not for me, sorry.”
I do wish people like this were upfront about it from the beginning. One could argue that it’s problematic to have monogamy be the assumed default, but the fact is, that’s how it is right now, so if you don’t want monogamous people catching feelings for you and then having to break their hearts when you finally tell them you’ll always need to garden with other people to be happy, yeah, you need to disclose this preference for non-monogamy on dating apps, or at the very least, on the first date.
In fact, I’d be surprised if that’s not part the ethics. I haven’t read The Ethical Sl*t but I kinda figured one of the general rules is that you need to tell people up front that you prefer non-monogamy.
But to answer your question about what would have happened if you hadn’t called his bluff, eventually you would have gotten to the point where you want to DTR, and at that point he would have told you “oh, I’m actually not into monogamy” and explained that being in a committed relationship with him means letting him garden with other women, or being okay with him having serious relationships with other women. It’s generally assumed that until you have that talk with someone else, it’s fine to casually date other people, as long as you’re being discrete about it.
Anon
That’s really unfortunate. FWIW, I always assume that people I am seeing from dating apps are also seeing others and potentially sleeping with others until we have the “talk” and agree to be exclusive. I get that this is a little different because he is saying he is opposed to the monogamous lifestyle, but I would just interpret it as he doesn’t want to be monogamous with me so that means he is not my person. Time to continue the search for my person.
Ellen
Yes, this is the problem with the computer for finding men. If they want not to be monagmous, it means they want to have s-x with others, and that means they are not really into you. If they are, they will drop that demand and be all over you 24/7, and that gets really tiring. Since I have been on both roles, I know to stay away from these schlubs.