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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I think this is a lovely dark blouse from Joie. The mix of black, white and blue is a fun one, and I can see it working across seasons — with gray trousers and a boyfriend cardigan in the colder months (or perhaps even layered on top of a thin turtleneck), and then worn with a white pencil skirt in warmer months with a brightly colored accessory (yellow, orange). It was $198, but is now marked to $119 at Bluefly. Joie blue violet silk floral print ‘Khrissa' blouse Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail editor@corporette.com with “TPS” in the subject line. (L-2)Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
MsZ
I love this and yesterday’s Theory blouse. However, they are both silk and require dry cleaning — and so break my rule against clothing that gets more expensive the more it is worn. Any suggestions for similar blouses that can be washed in the washing machine?
boston atty
I love this and yesterday’s Theory blouse. However, they are both silk and require dry cleaning — and so break my rule against clothing that gets more expensive the more it is worn. Any suggestions for similar blouses that can be washed in the washing machine?
AIMS
I handwash silk all the time. I think it’s actually much better for the fabric than dry cleaning. And I just iron on a low setting, so you can this even without a steamer.
MsZ
thanks! I handwash cashmere and some wool garments with Woolite but wasn’t sure about silk since waterspots are such an issue. Will try with the blouses I already have.
nonA
The few silk shirts I’ve owned seem to get ruined with water stains after being splashed from a sink or similar – how does this not happen when you handwash? I might just be a total idiot when it comes to silk, but I tend to avoid it like the plague.
boston atty
They’re not ruined by water, it just temporarily ‘stains’ it because only a piece of the shirt got wet. If you put the whole shirt in water and then let it dry, voila, those “stains” are gone!
kz
and don’t wring it dry. The trick is to get it completely wet, let it drip dry, making sure it’s as smooth as possible. As long as it all dries at the same rate (that’s the best way I can think to explain it), it doesn’t water spot.
nonA
Thanks both! I will have to give it a try – if I actually get rid of some water stains you will have made my week!!
Lilly
I handwash silk with Ivory liquid soap, or in a pinch, shampoo. Hang to dry. Iron. It will iron better if you catch it while it is still slightly damp. I iron on high heat from time to time when necessary – if the wrinkles have really set. Has not done my silk blouses any harm – Talbot’s, Brooks Brothers, and one prize Balenciaga shell.
Coach Laura
I hand wash silk (or for more sturdy pieces – machine wash cold, gentle cycle in a mesh lingerie bag) and then lay piece on a towel, wrinkle-free as possible. Roll up towel, press layers. (Let sit or refridgerate for a while if you want.) Iron with medium heat. Seams will still be wet but get rid of most wrinkles. Hang to air dry the rest of the way. Works best with light colors or prints as opposed to bright jewel tones.
meme
This sounds like a lot of work. Maybe that’s why I can’t bring myself to buy any silk blouses. I also can hardly ever bring myself to iron so I’m probably a special case.
In House Mouse
I machine wash all of my silk blouses in the gentle cycle. Sometimes I use a mesh lingerie bag, but not all of the time. For detergent, I use Ecover Delicate Wash, and sometimes liquid fabric softener, hang dry on a line, then use a steamer to get the wrinkles out. I haven’t had any problem with fading or water spots, and it’s the same amount of work as washing any other laundry (I hang dry everything).
The thing that got me over my silk blouse ban was to get a steamer. It changed my world!
rg
You can also use Dryel or similar products between dry cleanings (or hand washings).
MC
I second Dryel. I use it on all my silk shells with no problems at all.
Annie
love dryel!
Bonnie
I’m trying to decide whether to keep a white silk shirt with ruffles. It’s beautiful but I don’t know if it can be handwashed because of the detailing. Thoughts?
JMcD
what about buying a steamer? i have a rowenta compact steamer. they are only $50 (even cheaper with a BB&B 20% coupon). saves me so much money and dry cleaning and lets me buy silk shirts!
Chichi
Love this and love the styling advice!
AIMS
Very pretty!
Just wanted to give a review — per last week’s promo on BR suiting, I ordered a black lightweight wool pencil skirt and the Martin pants. Haven’t had a chance to try on the pants yet, but the skirt is going back. It’s cut a bit too tight (not straight down, but almost tapered), the pockets and weird band around the waist are odd, but mostly the problem is that 1) it fits as though it was made out of spandex, not wool; 2) it rides up (not a sizing issue, next size up would clearly be too loose); and 3) I am 5’3 and it’s about as short as may be reasonable on me (just above knee) and because it rides up *that* becomes a big problem. The whole thing is a shame because if you tuck at it just so it actually looks nice with a blazer, just borderline vavavoom but nice. But then you wear it around a bit and it just doesn’t work. In short, don’t order it. Hopefully, the pants will not be as disappointing. I miss the days when BR work clothes were a reliable staple in my wardrobe.
eaopm3
I hope you like the Martin pants. I have two pair of the Martin skinny fit that are my go-to pants when I do not have to wear a suit to work. They make me feel just a little bit trendy without going over the top. If you haven’t gotten the skinnies and you like the Martins you ordered, you ought to look into them!
AIMS
I have one pair of Martin pants that I love. I am hoping these will be the same. I just don’t trust anything to be the same from BR anymore. Sad, I know.
Thanks for the skinnies rec., I will look for those! They sound exactly like what I have been looking for for a while :)
eaopm3
You will lurve them. Be warned, though – they are LONG. I ordered them in tall, and they are skinny enough and long enough that they do the cute little bunching thing where they meet my heels. I like that, but others may not.
nonA
I agree – I have older BR clothes that I still wear, but I was thinking the other day that I don’t think I’ve bought anything from them in a few years. Went on their website, mostly out of curiosity and didn’t really see anything I like. Same with J.Crew.
AIMS
I actually see stuff that I could like but then it never turns out right. Either the cut is weird, the fabric crappy, the quality shoddy, etc., etc.
Very disappointing overall b/c it’s not like there are tons of other options for work basics to take their place.
Miriam
I have 2 BR skirts that work well on me! My figure is not very common though so maybe that’s why. I just ordered 2 skirts, the Martin pant in black, and the gray suit jacket. It should be there when I get home, and hopefully it’s a keeper.
Anon
I took advantage of that promo as well and purchased the same black, wool suit. I also found that the skirt fit oddly and did not look very good, so I passed on that and got the pants and blazer only. It is too bad, because I was hoping for a skirt, pants, jacket that all matched, but no such luck.
I agree that BR used to be very reliable in terms of sizing and quality, but they are not so much in either category these days.
M
When a skirt rides up, it is a sizing issue – try a size up and it should not happen.
L
I like this a lot!!! Will have to try to find a cheaper version. :)
Associette
Pretty printed blouse and great styling suggestions! I would def. also put this under my grey suits.
JessC
Happy Hump Day, ladies!
Any Junior League-ers out there? I want to get involved in the community beyond just the legal community and I have a few friends in the local chapter. But I’ve always had this view of JL as a “ladies who lunch” kind of group. Any thoughts or experiences? Also, is this something other lawyers may not take me seriously for doing? Any specific comments on the Tampa JL would be appreciated as well!
Two cents
Yup, I’m a Junior Leaguer in a big urban city. The women in the provisional group (those who joined recently) are all young professionals who range from lawyers, teachers, to nannys. The older women in the group are probably the ladies who lunch set, but my interactions with JLers have been pretty much exclusively women my age. After being in it for 6 months, I have somewhat mixed feelings about it. I’ve enjoyed some of the volunteering activities I’ve done as part of the group, but I can’t say that I’ve met lots of women who I really click with. I’m still glad I did it because it was a good way of meeting people in the community, but not sure if I would join had I not just moved into this city.
Legally Brunette
Also a big city (non-Florida) JL member here. Just joined this year, and basically echo Two Cents. Lots of lawyers and young professionals. Some of the activities seem interesting, and the volunteering has been nice, but haven’t really met any nice women. I’ve generally found the women to be pretty unfriendly. Also, some of the mandatory activities are really silly and disorganized. I’m not planning on re-joining next year. That said, I think it’s very location specific, so check out an open house for Tampa.
Hey
Hey Legally Brunette, this is Two Cents. What city are you in? I’m in Philly. It would be funny if you were here too.
Ann
I think it is very dependent on the individual group in your city. In my city, there are a lot of stay-at-home moms in the JL and they apparently will routinely do things like schedule mandatory meetings for 2 p.m. on a Wednesday, which is obviously not so convenient for the working women. I have had three friends try to join our city Junior League and none of them made it out of “provisional” status because of things like this. However, my high school best friend is in the JL in a different city , and it is all working professional women. They schedule meetings and activities at convenient times (weekday lunches or after work, or weekends), and she loves being in the JL and has no problem managing her job, her JL commitments, and her family.
I think with all groups like this, the key is to go to a couple of meetings and see what you think of the composition of the group, and the vibe, before you commit to anything. There are a ton of philanthropic groups out there – in my community a lot of high-powered professional women are very active with United Way, for example. If you go for an informational meeting and you can see it’s mostly Ladies Who Lunch, then you can politely decline further invitations by saying you feel you’re too busy to adequately commit, and find something you like better.
MelD
I know the original reputation in Tampa was that they were the very wealthy South Tampan socialite types, but that may not be the case today. I get the impression it may still be very S. Tampa centric though. My sense generally in Tampa is that many S. Tampans really don’t think there’s much else outside of that area. (You can probably guess I grew up in another part of time) Otherwise from what I understand the JLs can really vary. I work with two JLers in other cities in Florida- mine seems to be rather high-strung but the coworker who transferred says her new chapter is much more laid back.
Nonny
Just a thought, but if you are really interested in (a) getting involved in your community and (b) meeting people outside the legal community, but are a bit leery of the lunching ladies set, what about getting involved in an actual volunteer-run, community-focussed organization, like Girl Scouts or a soup kitchen or a church? There are lots of other groups out there that could satisfy your needs other than Junior League. This is of course assuming you are doing it for yourself, and not so much for the “business networking”. Just an idea.
skippy pea
I am actually looking to do business networking too. IMO, people looking to get involved in community AND networking simultaneously are not really thinking about soup kitchens and church groups.
Nonny
Well, I don’t know, I’ve met some really interesting and powerful people in my community just by volunteering in these types of groups, so don’t discount them entirely.
anon 2.0
I’m in the Junior League and I think it’s worth a try. It sort of “forces” you to volunteer and there are things like book club etc if you’re interested. I find that the group is highly variable by city and don’t know about Tampa specifically though.
Jess
Love the blouse! oh if only it were half price!
Grump
I don’t get the ‘layer a blouse over a thin turtleneck’ thing. It looks super awkward and honestly I have only ever seen that sort of thing being done by women who cover their arms for religious reasons.
AnonInfinity
A few months ago, someone posted that she was trying to break 3 hours in the marathon (cbackson, maybe? forgive me if that is wrong). If mystery ‘rette is reading this — Did you do it?
I was reflecting on that because I just broke 4 hours on Sunday! I can’t imagine taking another hour off that time…
Anonymous
That is GREAT! Congratulations on the accomplishment! Does that get you into Boston for your age group?
AnonInfinity
No :( My AG has to get under 3:40, and I was at 3:57. I am going to try for the BQ in November, though!
Thanks for the congrats! I had a great time with the training, not such a great time with the last 5 miles ;)
cbackson
It was me! I haven’t done it yet – it’s a longer term goal. I’m actually training for Boston right now, where my goal is just to break 3:20. I’m hoping to break 3hr within the next 3 years, so we’ll see how it goes.
YAY for you – I think 4hr is a big psychological barrier in a lot of ways. What race was it?
AnonInfinity
3:20! I hope you get it. That is so impressive.
My race was the Little Rock Marathon. I thought it was a good race, but everyone says it’s a hard course. The first half isn’t so bad, but the second half starts with a 2-3 mile uphill, leading into a very steep downhill, then a 6-mile down and back section. The final treat is a short (.25 mile? .3 mile?) but verrrry steep hill at mile 25.
Anyway! My goal for the rest of the summer is to run a 5k in less than 20 minutes, then eventually a marathon in less than 3:30.
Good luck at Boston!
cbackson
Congratulations! That’s great. I disapprove STRONGLY of large hills in the back six miles; it’s just not fair when one is so tired!
Thanks, and please keep your fingers crossed for no headwind for me (apparently, it can be really bad, and the course is point-to-point).
AnonInfinity
So true about the hills! My next one is going to be flat-ish. Speaking of headwind, I disapprove strongly of that! Running up hill is waaaaaaaay better than the headwind because at least you know it will end eventually. I will certainly cross my fingers for you.
JM
Good luck, cbackson! I have similar goals as you (break 3:00 in the next 2-3 years). I will remember to ask about how you did at Boston come April! Maybe we will see each other on the race course some day :)
I also agree about the headwind vs. hills. I find it much easier (psychologically) to run up a hill than run into the wind.
JM
That does sound like a really tough course! Congratulations!!
Also, I heard that Steamtown Marathon in Pennsylvania is actually a “downhill” marathon so some people try to run that to PR and/or qualify for Boston. I don’t know if you feel that it is “cheating”, but its a consideration.
Anonymous
If you run Boston you will be running right through my neighborhood. I will be there cheering you on!
KW
I just want to say I’m so impressed with marathoners. I love working out but just cannot imagine running 26.2 miles or 3-4 hours straight. Wow! Way to go, girls! Congrats on your dedication, training, and accomplishments.
Ru
Ditto! When I grow up, I want to be just like them. For now, though, I’ll stick to walking 5k courses in an hour =).
RR
Me too!
But seriously–I am in awe of you women. It’s really inspiring.
AnonInfinity
Cbackson and JM, how many miles per week do you run if a 3 hour goal is within sight (even in the next few years)?
KW and Ru — I was like you 4 years ago, and then I started plodding along, one mile at a time. It gets easier and more fun if you really enjoy the running!
Y
Even when I was in good shape 2 years,1 baby, and 1 ACL surgery ago, I didn’t break 5 hours…what do you do to increase your speed?? Any tips? As soon as I am off crutches I want to start training again…
AnonInfinity
The thing that helped me most was honestly running more. I slowly worked my way up to a little over 50 miles per week. I used the Hal Higdon Intermediate II plan, but with a couple of modifications. I added a speed day in there because a bunch of people I train with were doing speed days for other races, and I’m a freak in that I love those. So, I was doing either a hill workout (run up a hill with a relatively gentle grade at 5k pace for 400 yds, jog back down, repeat) or a track workout (usually 800 m at 5k pace, jog 400, repeat) each week. I know those speed workouts helped my 5k time (I’m down to 21:xx!!!!!!), but I don’t really know if they helped my marathon other than just helping me know that I can push through discomfort. I’m fairly sure that the biggest help to the marathon was just running more. I did every.single.run. Consistency is so important.
Do you have a local running club? Joining one has helped me so much. I now have lots of running partners and lots of much more experienced people to help me.
JM
I run 45-55 miles a week when I am training for a race. I think my mileage is considered on the “low” (or “lower”) end, but as you all know, we are all really busy! I generally try to run a marathon pace or tempo run, a long run, and do speed work every week, which contributes to having lower mileage weeks because you really do need to take rest days.
nonA
Shopping PSA: I know a lot of people loved Target’s Myka wedge last fall (I know I picked up a pair based on someone’s rec). Just discovered that they now have a 1″ heel version in a ton of great colors: http://www.target.com/s?keywords=marlis+suede&searchNodeID=1038576%7C1287991011&ref=sr_bx_1_1
And I just got to cross a pair of yellow shoes off my spring wish list, for a great price to boot!
Midori
Ooh, thanks! Glad to see that. I’m loving the yellow, and they are much easier to justify at that price. I’ve actually gotten a lot of wear out of the Myka ones, but these are a nicer height for my pants.
another pendleton happy customer
I saw these at my local target on sale for $12.48!!
govvie
Awesome! Thanks for the tipper :) I love the Mykas (comfy) but these are good, too- and even better if I want to walk somewhere for lunch/snack. Plus these are more weekend-friendly w/jeans, etc.
JMcD
thanks for the tip, ive been looking for cute inexpensive flats with a little bit of a heel
Midori
Early threadjack: Have any of you ladies dealt with Seasonal Affective Disorder? Any suggestions? As winter wears on in the northern midwest, it’s getting bleak inside my house as well as outside. I think Husband is having a particularly hard time with it, and he’s hard to help, since (being a man) doctors are not an easy sell. Do sun-lamps work? Vitamin D supplements? Just going to the gym more?
Coach Laura
All of the above (except doctors) help. Fish oil also helps: Costco brand is great. I use two full spectrum lights at home (one while I cook/eat breakfast, one while I do my hair/makeup) and one on my desk at work: Also got these at Costco. Exercise is important – even just a walk at lunchtime on clear days. Hubby uses a real sun-lamp but I have had skin-cancer scares so I stick to full-spectrum lights.
Midori
Can you buy natural spectrum lightbulbs for existing lamps, or do you have to get a special lamp or light box?
govanon
I’ve been diagnosed with SAD (although several years ago). I think the natural spectrum/full spectrum light bulbs help for me. We have them in both the bathroom and my “quilting” room. Although I think if it’s more than mild case, you might need the special sun lamp.
eaopm3
I hate to cop to tanning, since we all know how bad it is for our skin, but I usually break down and tan from February – May each year. For some reason, this helps my mood and the pallor that comes with a midwest winter. Exercise helps, too. I have been jumping on the Wii Fit more often these days.
Dutch Fan
How do you know when it’s SAD and not just the boring nature of your life (haha)? I feel like I’ve been suffering from it ever since I moved back up north- really hard to wake up in the morning (even with lots of sleep), generally depressed mood, feeling like I have no energy (probably moreso that I have no motivation to do my work). I always assumed it was just the boring nature of law school that got me feeling this way, but I’m starting to think that’s not it.
And for those who did go out and get full spectrum lamps- do they REALLY work, or is it placebo effect?
soulfusion
you just described me. Even when I motivate myself to go to the gym I still lack energy and motivation. Just this morning I ended up cat napping on the couch for 20 minutes after the gym before I showered – and I had plenty of sleep last night. Can’t decide if it is the weather, work burnout, lonelieness or a combination of all three. Also been wondering if my iron count is low and if that is a factor.
Ann
Don’t discount the iron thing. I was having fatigue problems and got tested and came up anemic; taking an iron supplement has basically given me my life back.
The other thing some people may want to check out is if they are grinding their teeth in their sleep. I have a bad grinding problem and if I don’t wear my splint at night, I wake up feeling like I didn’t sleep at all. TMJ/bruxism can really cause a lot of fatigue and concentration problems, and a lot of people have a problem and don’t know it.
Ru
Low Vitamin D (and calcium levels) do it for me. Whenever I’m feeling particularly sluggish, taking a supplement really does help me. Which reminds me, I should really find a multivitamin.
Jinnie
My aunt has SAD. She has a lot of lights in her apartment, a lot of greenery (a huge bushy tree that touches the ceiling, and which she has to trim frequently). She says the plants really help.
Ruby Lou
My solution this year was to book a cruise, although that’s certainly not the most budget-friendly way to handle it! :-)
Seriously, I deal with SAD every year around this time, and I have found that exercise helps. I did use a lightbox for a while but didn’t find that it made much of a difference for me.
Jas
I don’t think I have SAD, but I do find it difficult to get up in the morning when it’s dark out. A coworker with a similar problem uses one of those lights that comes on half an hour before the alarm goes off and says it’s helped a lot. I’m considering getting one myself.
I also know someone who found the rainy Pacific northwest weather triggered her SAD. She ended up moving up to near the arctic circle and weirdly, she says her SAD disappeared. That’s probably not a practical fix, though.
Seattleite
That light is a dawn simulator. I’ve been using one for about 10 years now and it changed my life. Light boxes weren’t practical for me – who has time to sit in one place for 30 minutes every morning?
Emma
A Philips light lamp really, really helped me. I had the blues and was tired all the time. The tiredness was really the biggest problem; it was a pain in the *ss. Sitting by the light every morning has completely rid me of the problems, even if it is just darn placebo effect!
EC
I have a full spectrum light, and I’m not sure whether it does anything clinically, but my husband has remarked that I’m much happier on the days I remember to turn it on when I brush my teeth and putter around the bathroom in the morning. Also, he discovered that it produces great light for shaving, so he often uses it in the morning too!
A friend who is in med school says you have to be careful with the sun lights – use them on full blast for the first 20-30 minutes of your day, and never within 2 hours of bedtime. I’d recommend getting a somewhat portable version so you can lug it around as you go through your morning routine, or buy several that sit at strategic locations.
AnonInDenver
I am a longtime suffer from SAD and have noticed a dramatic improvement since I switched to full spectrum lights in my office. I would recommend them. Going to the gym more in the early morning or in the late evening also seems to help if the gym is brightly lit.
A good friend of mine who is Swedish also swears by light therapy. In her apartment building they have a light therapy room for public use and it seems to help her get through the long winters.
N
In Norway the government recommend taking Vitamin D supplement (usually from cod liver oil) in all months that have R in them, because of the long winters. I find that when I don’t take it, I’m also more frequently getting lazy with my workouts (“It doesn’t matter, I just want to get home, It’s Dark outside ergo it must be time for bed”) and it’s just a whole cycle.
I think next winter I will also try to find a light therapy lamp, though, for when I don’t remember my supplements.
govvie
During the worst of it this year (Jan- late Feb), I was using a lightbox upon waking and again when I got home from work/activities for the day. Whether placebo or not, I found that it did help my energy level. It is a Phillips goLite Blue Light, and is pretty small, the size of a small book. I put it on for 20 minutes each time and let it do its thing. Exercise (including walking my dog) and eating appropriately (nuts, etc.) has helped, also. Starbucks certainly doesn’t hurt, also … :)
Anon
Threadjack –
Anyone have any recommendations for helpful resources for a long-distance friend who is in the process of divorcing her husband and trying to figure out how (emotionally, financially) she is going to care for their 10 month old child on her own? Father wants nothing to do with either of them, and I imagine this divorce will not be pretty. If anyone has suggestions for helpful resources (books, single parent groups, etc) that would be great – her head is spinning. I’m making an effort to be here for her (phone, text etc) as much as she needs, but I wish there was more I could do.
Midori
Oh wow, that’s really tough! I have a 10-month-old, and the thought of taking care of him without the help of a partner is overwhelming.
I think my first priority would be a network–friends, family, flexible daycare that can help give her a break on little notice and at various times of day. The hardest thing about a kid that age is they take about 100% of your attention, leaving no time for cooking, cleaning, shopping, much less re-charging. I would want at least one night a week where someone else took on baby and let me do non-work things, and I would want someone I could call at a moment’s notice if I needed to stay late for work or had a meeting come up or just needed some sanity time.
K
Does she have a good lawyer? That’s the best way to make sure she and her child are protected financially from here on out.
If she lives near a university with a graduate psychology program, they probably offer low cost counseling and know where to find support groups. You could call them for her and pass on the information.
SF Bay Associate
I second this. My bff is also a lawyer. Her brother is going through a nasty divorce, and her first inclination was to go to his house and help him with her nephew and do things that anyone else in the family could do. I sat her down and explained that unlike anyone else in her blue-collar family, she is a lawyer, so the very best thing she can do for her brother is help him find a good family lawyer and otherwise protect him legally, and research support groups and other resources in the area. Their mom can look after the baby nephew just as well, but no one else could find him counsel and other support as effectively as she.
Miriam
Agreed. Even though the soon-to-be-ex doesn’t want anything to do with them doesn’t mean he can get out of paying child support.
Ann
Oh, Lord. I am so sorry for your friend…I had a friend go through something similar last year, except she had a 9-month-old baby AND a four-year-0ld. Dad decided he “didn’t want to be married anymore” but conveniently did want to be with a high school ex-girlfriend who had suddenly shown up in town and started texting him constantly. Jerk.
My friend made some tough decisions – including leaving a job, house, and company she loved – and moved with her kids across the country to where her family was. She was an emotional wreck and felt like she couldn’t parent the way she should without some emotional support. Thankfully (in a way), because her ex-husband had no interest in having regular contact with the kids, he didn’t bar her from leaving and they set up a very infrequent visitation schedule, which he has already skipped out on twice. If your friend has supportive family, it might be something for her to think about. Barring that, I have heard good things about groups like Parents Without Partners. I agree a good, reliable childcare is a must – not sure what her arrangement is like now, but she needs both a daytime solution and a reliable night babysitter that can let her get some time to herself periodically.
I feel so much for your friend, especially knowing what my friend went through in the same situation…unfortunately, your friend married a scumbag and while she might not realize it now, she is better off without him. I think the hardest thing for my friend was explaining to her older child why Daddy didn’t want to live with them or really even see them any more; at least your friend will be spared that conversation until her child gets older. One book I read that talks about this kind of situation is “Happens Every Day” by Isabel Gillies, who had a picture-perfect small-town life with her husband until he dumped her and his two kids to run off with a woman he worked with. It is a very raw and powerful book that your friend might relate to right now (mine did). There is a mourning period that has to happen in these situations that is almost worse than mourning a death, because as my friend told me, she had to mourn not just the loss of the relationship, but the loss of the person she thought her husband was.
I also have to say, while I am not normally a big fan of the “let’s get him!” school of thought in divorces, in this situation, your friend would benefit by having a good lawyer who can go after every last bit of anything your friend is entitled to, as well as help create an agreement that codifies in writing what her husband is saying – that he doesn’t want to be involved in the child’s life.
Very best of luck to her. She will get through this, even if it doesn’t feel like she will. My friend told me the other day “it feels like I went through a war and lost a limb, but I’m learning to live without it.” There is happiness to be found on the other side of this kind of disaster.
skippy pea
yuck….I hate this scenario!
What will happen if the mother leaves the kids with the father? It would put a serious cramp in his new lifestyle of unfulfilled highschool fantasy…. Maybe even the girlfriend will skip town if he comes as a package deal. Will serve the jerk right.
It will be hard on the mother…but a little patience and toughness will go a long way IMO. She can still be in same town and keep an eye on the kids.
Ann
I hear you – I don’t think that a person’s desire to live like they’re 17 again should negate their responsibilities to their children, in any way, shape or form. Unfortunately, my friend’s ex, since they split up, has gotten involved with drugs and has had two DWI arrests in the past 8 months. My friend has very real reasons to fear that her children would not be safe if they stayed with their father, including that his new girlfriend has had her children removed from her custody due to neglect allegations. As much as she may want her husband to experience some real consequences for his behavior, and as much as we all think it is unfair her kids are now not seeing their dad, it’s not worth the risk to them. She’d rather go it alone 24/7 than put them in any kind of danger.
This whole situation has been a revelation to me. In other divorces among my friends, there was some degree of mutual agreement that the marriage needed to end, and in most cases there was mostly-amicable separation and both parents stayed very involved with the kids and were able to even have some kind of friendship. In this case, I watched my friend’s husband go from being an upwardly-mobile, responsible, upstanding guy to a total washout with a drug problem, who lost his job after his second DWI and has gone from a corporate management position to working in the maintenance department in a car dealership. I did not realize that functioning adults could experience this kind of precipitous fall from normality and think everyone should go along with it. All it took was a few phone calls and meetings with his train-wreck ex and sayonara, normalcy. It’s been truly frightening to watch.
AN
Oh no, I am so sorry, both for OP & for your friend. I ‘ve seen this happen to a close friend – hubby of 8 yrs just upped & walked off with what can only be described as an “on the make” person. They had just adopted together at that point. Friend went through breast cancer 6 mths later (and survived). Atleast $ and daycare were easy on her.
But add financial issues plus childcare and you have an unholy mess. Best of luck to both ladies.
TCFKAG
One other thing is that she NEEDS to work with a lawyer to get a clear and definitive custody arrangement set up ASAP. Even if he says he doesn’t want to see her or the kid now, when he starts paying child or spousal support or just when he starts feeling nasty, he may suddenly “demand” to see the kid…but only at 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Or whatever.
The clearer and more well-laid out she can make her custody arrangement, the better off she’ll be.
As far as emotional support, if you have some money to spare, maybe you could sign her up for a meal prep program a couple times a week. Or even just pre-order food you know she likes (like Chinese or whatever) and have it sent to her.
That does really suck. Its so hard when something like this happens from a distance…
Deep sleeper
Anyone have trouble getting up in the morning? I have a restful sleep every night, sleep on average 8 hours a day, and am not at all depressed or unhappy. I eat well and take vitamins daily too. Nevertheless, it is painful for me to get up in the morning. My husband says this is normal and no one likes to get up, but I literally have to pry myself from the bed on most mornings. Any advice on what to do? I’m thinking that I might just be one of those people who needs a lot more sleep than the average person (10 hours is probably my ideal, but I never get that except the rare weekend).
AIMS
I hate waking up no matter how long I have slept. I think it’s the act of being forced out of bed, it just cannot feel pleasant or natural.
What does help me is if breakfast is ready or at least somewhat ready. Granted my SO doesn’t have time to cook my breakfast even half the time, but he does usually get up and make coffee which is a motivator enough (I also like sometimes hearing the whirr of the coffee grinder while semi-alseep and the smell of fresh coffee). I try to wake up 15-20 min. earlier than I actually need to — this really helps — and then go sit on the couch and just drink my coffee while watching tv. It seem counterintuitive to get up earlier than nec. when you hate getting up, but that’s what helps me. You could always get an automatic coffee maker to take care of the coffee if hubby won’t cooperate.
anon
Sometimes a visit with the doc can be useful to rule out a sleep disorder. A lot of people don’t realize how many times they wake up throughout the night. MAke sure you are comfortable (temperature, noise, etc.). I started having memory issues right after getting married and finally put it all together that hubby’s snoring wasn’t letting me get restful sleep. Also, make sure you go to bed and wake up at roughly the same times each day (don’t try to “catch up” by getting more during the weekends–I know, it sounds strange, but I was told it throws your system off).
Emma
So what did you do about hubby’s snoring? I am the lightest sleeper and wake at every twist and turn of my SO. But not sure what there is to do about that.
TCFKAG
This is why my SO and I frequently sleep in separate rooms. No shame in that…if you ask me, since I get to sleep!!!
JJ
Earplugs, earplugs, earplugs. Available at any drugstore. They’ve changed my life. We don’t have kids, so it’s not an issue for me to need to wake up at every sound. I sleep on my side and normally I just put one in (on the side that’s not smushed against the pillow) and it makes staying asleep so much easier when the husband snores/coughs/sniffles, etc.
EN
Get a memory foam mattress! My husband and I recently invested in a Simmons Beautyrest (I think it might be called the NKG or something like that) and it has changed both our lives for the better. It also helps that we upgraded to a King to give us (both sprawlers) more personal space. With a memory foam mattress you literally cannot tell if your partner is moving – your side doesn’t move at all. And the mattress we got let us choose the firmness for either side so my hubby has a soft mattress and I have a firm one. Really, I recommend it.
Emma
Thanks for all the advice… I think this is the golden ticket.
@TCFKAG — I actually prefer to sleep on the couch a lot, but my SO doesn’t love it when I do that. I think it hurts his feelings a bit.
@JJ — Already do the earplugs! But they don’t do much for getting jostled.
So… it does seem like saving up for a memory foam mattress is the best bet, if it actually does work that well. Would looooove a king. I like my sleeping space. SO is the opposite!
CW
Also – someone just told me that they use Breathe Right strips at night since their SO is a really light sleeper. Apparently it doesn’t help if he sleeps on his back, but if he sleeps on his side/stomach it helps reduce the snoring.
JMcD
I forced my husband to start using breathe right strips for snoring and it has totally stopped (and he now loves them)!
Anonymous
This is going to sound weird, but I’m convinced that my ability to get out of bed is linked to my REM cycles. If I’m woken up in the middle of a REM cycle, I’m a disaster. If I’m woken up just after finishing one, I’m ready to bound out of bed. Although it isn’t possible to precisely control this, you might try varying how much sleep you get to see if you feel better after 7, 7.5, 8.5 as opposed to 8 hours. It is counterintuitive, but if I can’t get 8.5 hours, then I’d rather get 6 hours as opposed to 7 (disrupts my sleep cycles).
AnonInfinity
Yes, I agree with this. I can get up at 4:45, no problem, but if I set my alarm to 7, it takes me about 3 snooze cycles to drag myself out of bed.
Kady
In this vein, there is an iphone app called sleep cycle that measures your REM cycles by how much you move while you sleep (you put the iphone under your pillow) and wakes you up at the “best” possible point in your cycle (within limits).
Ashley
I usually set my alarm 2-3 snoozes early. When it goes off, I know I get to hit snooze twice and THEN I have to get up. It helps me mentally prepare that I have to get out of bed soon, so I have two snoozes to talk myself into it :) I’m also a little ridiculous… the night before, I try to gauge whether I’ll need more time to convince myself to get up. If so, I set the alarm for a few extra snoozes. This means I always get up at the same time, but I’ve psyched myself into believing that I got to hit snooze, so I actually slept longer. It’s kind of mind trickery, but it works for me!
Miriam
I do the same thing and hit snooze a few times. I remember reading that you are not actually getting more sleep because you are not getting deep sleep so it is best for you to just get up. Of course I haven’t figured out how to do that yet!
anon
Yes. I just hate mornings. I’m convinced my circadian rhythm is off and I’m just more awake in the afternoon/nights. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I’m just not going to be really “awake” until 10 or 11. I have no solution, except I try to get the tasks that don’t require much thought done first thing in the morning at work.
TCFKAG
I loath getting out of bed in the morning. Its a production almost every day. What I’ve been doing recently is getting up a wee bit earlier, going to the couch, cuddling under a blanket, and watching the Daily Show before I get ready. It gives me something to look forward to in the morning AND cheers me up for the rest of the day.
This works especially well if you have a lovely person living with you who will make you coffee. :-)
Caroline
Ugh, I feel you all. Just this morning I was so unmotivated I actually slept in an extra hour and had to take vacation time — totally worth it for the extra, delicious sleep. TFKAG, I am completely intrigued by your Daily Show suggestion and may try it out. At the moment all I have to look forward to is the weather forecast during the Today Show — perhaps Jon Stewart will motivate me more than Al Roker!
Fiona
This is exactly what I do! (Although I watch the Today Show). I need a good hour with coffee and a blanket on the couch before I can face the day.
Emma
I also do this in the morning when I sit next to my lamp. I like having a bit of time to adjust to being up.
skippy pea
Gh, I lost a long post to posting too quickly msg.
Anyway, the only thing I wanted to say is that I am exactly the opposite. I can wake up in the morning even after 2-3 hours of sleep as comapared to staying up late at night. That seriously impacts my ability to pull all nighters.
nonA
I hate getting up. I’m a natural night owl – if I didn’t have a job I would easily stay up until 1 or so, and sleep until 9 or 9:30. I’m also someone who needs a solid 8 hours to feel really rested. Years of working has not managed to chagne this.
I’m a serious coffee addict, so I have an automatic timer coffee machine that I set every night. I also have a loud obnoxious alarm in another room that I have to get up and turn off. At that point, I’m out of bed, and I know I have fresh coffee waiting and I force myself to stay up and out of bed and go get that cup of coffee. I drink it while watchign the Today show or reading something really mindless just to get myself to feel awake enough to face the really difficult tasks like washing my face.
OP
Hey all, I’m the OP. Thanks for the advice. I think it absolutely has something to do with my REM cycle (maybe I’ll borrow my husband’s iphone and track down that app that measures the cycle! that sounds amazing).
I also third the recommendation for earplugs (I especially like the Rite Aid brand bc they are especially sturdy) if you have trouble sleeping with noise around you.
Anonymous
FWIW, weird but true: when I switched to wool blankets I had much deeper, “thorough” sleep.
Notalawyer
It might be worth looking into having your thyroid levels tested. That is always a possibility, if your sleep needs and/or energy levels change dramatically.
North Shore
I make bread in a bread machine a couple of times a week, timed to finish when my alarm clock goes off. The smell of fresh bread makes it so much easier to get out of bed. My kids love it, too.
Res Ipsa
I have a similar blouse that I got from Express a few years ago. It’s very versatile. I mentioned this before when we had the discussion of pinstripe suits, but I like to pair the blue floral blouse with the blue pinstripe suit. The combination looks great when you need to look polished, but something less formal than what you’d wear for a court appearance.