Wednesday’s TPS Report: Spice Red ‘Anetta’ Jacket

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Tahari spice red notched collar concealed snap 'Anetta' jacketI like this deep red jacket from Tahari. Admittedly, it isn’t really a spring color — but just think how happy you’ll be in July when you want a layering piece in deep red to pull out for days when the A/C is on full throttle in the office. It was $188, but is now marked to $105.60 at Bluefly. Tahari spice red notched collar concealed snap ‘Anetta’ jacket

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]


  1. That’s very pretty.

    Cat, somehow my comments yesterday disappeared, but I was trying to say thank you to you and the rest of the hive for your suggestions for Philadelphia. We had a blast.

    • You know it’s weird, but I had subscribed to comments yesterday and one of yours came through three times so I’m wondering if they somehow got delayed.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        I’ve had subscription problems too – I think about a third of the comments are getting through.

        • I noticed that this weekend, too! I had posted about recipes and didn’t see any responses in the subscription, then I logged on and there were a bunch.

          • If you’re having technical problems with the site send Kat an e-mail, she actually does respond. :-)

      • What do you guys mean by “subscription”?

        • When you comment, you can check the “Notify me of followup comments via e-mail” box. Comments get emailed to you.

          • Oh, got it. I thought there was some awesome “insiders-only” service that I was missing out on :)

  2. Gooseberry :

    Spotted: very fashionable woman wearing a light colored suit, a blue and green striped shirt and an awesome necklace, walking on Boylston in Boston. My first thought: “She *must* be one of us.” If you are, and you’re reading, you look fab and I know you’re going to have a great day.

    • Wasn’t me, but if it had been your note would have made me feel *awesome*. Plus that outfit sounds great!

    • Seattlette :

      This comment would make my day if it were about my outfit! Nicely done, Gooseberry!

  3. I like this color on other people, just not on me. I think I own one red piece of clothing!

    Threadjack – what type of cardigan would look good over this dress, for work (besides the Jenna Jcrew cardigan)?

    • To be honest, with that neckline, I have trouble seeing any cardigan really looking great. Maybe someone on here will prove me wrong. But the reason all these weird asymmetrical necklines on sheath dresses bug me is because it makes it REALLY hard to wear something over them.

      • Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Maybe a blazer would be better? I don’t know. I haven’t bought the dress yet and this is what was hindering me.

        • I’m sure this suggestion isn’t for everyone, but what about wearing something under it rather than over it? Specifically, I would do a fitted button-front blouse with a collar in a neutral color such as ivory. It would have to fit perfectly, but I think this could achieve coverage and appropriate formality.

          Granted, button-front collared shirts are my solution to everything. (ducks)

        • Honestly, I think because the neckline is so complicated, this would fall into the “just for going out” camp for me — because I always wear something over things at work (not just for modesty, but also because they keep the AC so high at my office its like they’re doing experiments on arctic survival on us!)

          Its pretty though! And I LOVE the color.

        • MaggieLizer :

          Agree that a blazer or sweater jacket might work. I’d be worried that a cardigan would make the twist look lumpy. A waterfall cardigan might look cute with it. I’d wear a belt underneath the cardigan to emphasize my waist.

          • I think there’s just a little much going on to add a button down underneath. Just my two cents, though…

          • I’d have to try it with everything else streamlined: solid pumps, nude legs, no necklace, understated earrings, hair up.

          • Waterfall might work. I was also thinking maybe a tissue turtleneck underneath?

    • Gooseberry :

      I’d go with a pretty-colored contrasting wrap that’s large enough so that it will stay “on” when you are just sitting at your desk. (For me, sometimes smaller ones need to be held around me, if that makes sense.)

    • phillygirlruns :

      i have a dress with a similar, though less pronounced, neckline (an ann taylor knockoff of the black halo “jackie” sheath), and i generally wear very simple crewneck cardigans with it, unbuttoned. most of mine are the j.crew jackie cardigan. it doesn’t compete with the neckline at all, or look lumpy.

    • Something about the dress makes it look like a c-cktail dress, not a work dress – I think it’s because the strappy left side exposes so much shoulder and underarm. I think it’d be fine for work with a blazer that conceals that part of of the dress, but that’s kind of missing the point of the dress, isn’t it. I might also wear it with a tissueweight black turtleneck underneath.

      • I agree with Bluejay. One of my is-it-work-appropriate rules is if I have to wear a strapless bra it’s probably better left for the weekend.

  4. Early TJ: I posted yesterday on one of the less busy threads, but it was late in the day.

    I had posted on the weekend thread asking for good thoughts for my fluffy little Boy Kitten. The vet had determined that he has a heart murmur, and we took him to a cardiologist yesterday, fearing the worst (that he was in heart failure), given his breed and the vet’s thoughts from hearing his heart.

    Well, I’m happy to report that Boy Kitten is not in heart failure, and the cardiologist thinks he’s going to be just fine. He’s got a little bit of extra tissue on one of his heart valves which causes a little bit of turbulence, but does not affect heart function. We’ll be monitoring him at the vet each six months to check for a worsening of the murmur, and getting heart scans yearly, but the cardiologist thinks that nothing bad will develop from it.

    Thank you so much to everyone who offered words of comfort. My H and I truly appreciate them.

    • That’s great! I’m so happy Boy Kitten is going to be alright.

    • yay for boy kitty, i will continue to send good thoughts your way! we recently lost my girl kitty who had a heart murmur and miss her terribly, she was 3 years old. big brother kitty still searches for her daily in her favorite hiding spots (my closet, she was a natural fashionista) sniffle sniffle

      • I’m so sorry to hear that, qwerty! I know we’re not entirely out of the woods with Boy Cat/Kitten, but whether it’s 10 days or 10 years from now, I dread the day we have to say goodbye to him. Big hugs to you and her big brother kitty from all of us at the ELS house.

        • please be sure to give your little guy the happiest home in the meantime!

          • Oh, of course! Boy Cat hasn’t wanted for a thing, including plenty of cuddle and play time (I swear he’s my fluffy little shadow whenever I’m home!). Even if he has ongoing health problems and leaves us early, I’m confident that we’ve given him, and will continue to give him, the best possible life that we can.

    • That’s great news! I loved it that you were referring to him as Boy Cat (now Kitten). We used to call my first cat Cat Boy or Boy Cat all the time. It fit him – he was a big rough and tumble boy with a lot of love.

      • That’s exactly how ours is! We joke that he’s a puppy in kitten form. He loves to cuddle, follows us around, and loves to lick our faces while being held.

        • Exactly! My boy would come running downstairs to greet me when I got home from work and I would pick him up and walk around getting the mail and listening to voicemail while he snuggled and licked my face. Then we would take a nap together. I still miss him! Don’t get me wrong – my little princess kitty is adorable and sweet, but he was such a cuddler.

          • This sounds exactly like my daily routine with by Boy Cat. I really think that male cats (once fixed) tend to be cuddlier than female cats, as a rule. Mine would be super happy just to be carried all day long, at least when he’s not busy attacking things in the house.

            Of course, part of Boy Cat’s puppy tendencies may be a breed thing, too. While Boy Cat was a foundling, his markings have led the vet to think that he’s predominantly a Ragdoll.

    • I’m so glad! May your fluffy little Boy Kitten have a good, healthy long life with you and Mr. ELS. :-)

    • Wonderful news! Congratulations.

  5. Ryan Gosling :

    Hey girl.

    I’m hot and I save lives.

    • Yup. He’s now officially on my list. I just have to decide who he’s going to bump. Maybe either Matt Bomer or Darren Criss now that I’ve discovered they’re basically the same person.

      • As ridonculously hot as I find Matt Bomer, I’m going to suggest you bump him (he’s gay). Because even if you had a theoretical shot, you wouldn’t have an actual shot. ;)

        SideNote: Not a Glee fan, but I did see the clip of those two singing Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know”. No clue he could sing!

        • Yeah, I know he’s gay. But come on…this is all in the realm of fantasy anyway! ;-) But your point is taken. He’s bumped!

        • Skippy pea :

          Oh no! Why why why? Why are the cute plus hot ones gay?

          • Darren Criss isn’t gay. And he’s basically the same person! :-) Also Matt Bomer and his husband have like four kids or something, its all very cute.

            Can you tell I’m a fan? He’s yummy and a good guy, a nice combo if you ask me.

          • Always a NYer :

            Not only is he off limits because he’s gay, he and his partner have three kids! Knowing that he’s happily committed and a dad makes him even hotter to me for some reason…

          • Okay! Lists cannot be limited by people being married and stuff. I’M married. The whole point is that its fantasy, obviously I would not somehow entice Matt Bomer to switch teams AND cheat on his partner AND hurt his three adorable (I’m sure) children.

            Geesh people, don’t you even know how “the list” works. haha.

          • Always a NYer :

            @TCKFAG: Of course I know how the list works! My top two are both happily married with kids – David Beckam (let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to tap that?) and Oded Fehr (he was in The Mummy 1 and 2 as well as being the gigolo in Deuce Bigelow). Both are uber yummy and very good, I’m sure ;) And no one is married in fantasy land, lol!

        • momentsofabsurdity :

          He is definitely moving up a slot on my list which leaves me at:

          1) Javier Bardem
          2) Ryan Gosling
          3) Taye Diggs
          4) Channing Tatum
          5) Jeffrey Dean Morgan

          • See below! I started a thread….I want to know who is on everyone’s lists!

          • SF Bay Associate :

            Lord, Taye Diggs has been on my list since the Ally McBeal days. I saw his wife Idina Menzel in concert and she was talking a little about him and their son… what a lucky lady she is.

            Channing Tatum, really? I’ve never seen one of his movies, but he does come across as dumb as a box of hammers, plus no acting skills. Clearly I am missing something.

          • Taye Diggs is MARRIED to Idina Menzel. That is the hottest couple of ALL TIME….holy crap. And so talented. That kid better be something!

          • SF Bay Associate :

            TCKFAG, you and me (I?) are of one mind!

          • momentsofabsurdity :

            SF Bay Associate – Channing Tatum is TOTALLY dumb as a box of rocks. But is just. so. pretty.

          • Totes McGotes :

            TCFKAG, how did you not know about Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel? Indeed the hottest couple of all time. They met when they were both in the original cast of Rent – can you get any better than that?

            SFBA, I will write you a note to leave work so you can go home and watch Step Up and Dear John. Channing Tatum is *okay* as an actor, but that man can DANCE. Hot hot hot. And in Dear John there’s just a bunch of hot sexy scenes with him and Amanda Seyfried.

          • Channing Tatum may not be the brightest bulb, but he does seem to know who he is. In interviews he just kind of shrugs and says “I’m not the best actor but I’m trying to learn” which I find refreshing.

            And his abs. And his dancing. Swoon.

            Watch Step Up if you never have. And then watch Step Up 2 (whatever its called). Trust me….you’ll be a little dumber afterwards, but you’ll be happier.

          • Javier Bardema and JDM resemble each other quite a bit. They could be in a story about brothers separated at a young age.

          • Anonymous NYer :

            hmmm Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Javier Bardem are essentially twins. If you had to kick someone off next, I’d choose one of those.

          • I haven’t seen it, but I heard Channing Tatum was pretty good in 21 Jump Street. He is apparently improving as an actor, and may be smarter than he looks. He’s so hot, I choose to believe he is also smart.

      • I recently added both Tory and Grant from Mythbusters to my list. How nerdy does that make me? (Incidentally, my husband is totally cool with that because Carrie is on his list.)

        • “I recently added both Tory and Grant from Mythbusters to my list.”

          … I’d tap that. ;)

          Nerdiness FTW.

          • (a) I’d tap that as well.

            and (b) its actually quite sensible. Of all the people you could have on your list, they have the most skills to get you through the zombie apocalypse.

          • Re: (b) I’d never thought about my list being “sensible,” but now I have another way to justify my crushes. Thanks!

        • oh man, I haven’t watched Mythbusters in too long, now that you mention it. Those guys are adorable. Especially nerdy little Grant. *swoon*

    • MaggieLizer :

      “And was wearing a pink wig (which obviously enrages American taxi drivers) . . . .”

      I kinda liked Effie too, Ryan, I’m glad you saved her.

    • Also, this is why in the London touristy areas they have the little arrows pointing in the direction you should look for cars. They saved my tail a time or two.

  6. Just saw this dress and thought it would look beautiful on a plus sized gal (and it’s on sale):

    • I’m plus sized and own a version of that dress (with short sleeves) in black, and I LOVE it. It’s incredibly flattering and easy to wear. I get nervous about colored dresses, but I might buy this one anyway — and look! it even has sleeves!

      • Former MidLevel :

        That color is gorgeous! I say go for it.

      • I say go for it – this color is muted and neutral enough that it wouldn’t be too out there. I have a jersey dress in this exact color and love it!

      • Oh my goodness, that is a gorgeous dress! Please, someone buy it!!

    • (Discovered while looking to see if there was a non-plus size version of this dress)

      It’s on deeper sale in the Currant color!

      • non-plus sizes are not on sale:

        but even basic colors in plus sizes are on sale!

  7. momentsofabsurdity :

    Taking a leap –

    Any Corporettes planning to move (or know anyone planning to move) to Beacon Hill in Boston in late summer or 9/1 that might be open to a roommate? I promise I am totally normal, just none of my friends are planning on moving and it’d be nice to save some money going in on a place with someone else.

  8. Threadjack!

    How much is reasonable to expect/plan to spend if I make an appointment with a Nordstrom personal shopper for my husband? I think it’s probably the best way to get him the business casual wardrobe he needs, but I know he’s going to balk if the price tag is more than $200-$300. Is that an unreasonable amount to budget?

    • At Nordstrom, for a “wardrobe”, that’s going to be hard. I don’t have a good read on men’s clothing pricing, but you’d probably get one pair of pants and a shirt for that. If you want a more extensive revamp of his clothes, I’d suggest either going some place cheaper or getting him comfortable with a higher price point. Of course, this assumes a higher price point makes sense for you guys financially.

      • We could do a slightly higher price point (~$500), but not excessively. I was really looking for someplace where he could be assisted by someone who knows men’s clothing, which I don’t, and he definitely doesn’t. He’s going to be meeting with a lot of artsy business types in the next few weeks, and I’m worried that they’re going to look at his Dockers and short sleeved button up shirts and immediately dismiss him.

        • omg short-sleeve button up shirts– Goodwill those immediately! They just are not okay. I hate whoever invented them.

          • This is one of my long-term projects WRT my own BF, to commence when we move in together in a couple of weeks. But first I’m going to have to convince him to lose a couple of late-80s-style waffle-weave sweatshirts and mock-turtles. Yes, really.

          • Nonny, can’t they just “get lost in the move”??? Sounds like perfect cover. Perhaps a box could accidentally fall off the back of your moving truck??

          • Hmmm, what a great idea, Herbie. I will start plotting. :-)

          • My SO used to have those shirts and a “Cosby sweater”. And he was born in the 80s but wore it well past 2000. Lol.

          • lucy stone :

            Nonny, be careful – I judiciously removed a few mock turtles and he came home with new uglier ones.

        • Anonymous :

          Go to Banana Republic! I regularly find men’s shirts in the $25-40 range on sale. Use the mannequins/online catalog/staff as your guide–no personal shopper needed. Try to get slim fit shirts, slim fit/ankle length pants. If he wants to wear a tie, do patterned shirt with differently-patterned tie. They can help you pick something. No suits!
          A creative married to a creative

    • SF Bay Associate :

      If you mean $200 to $300 per item, that’s doable. Talk with the PS beforehand too – tell the PS to bring cheaper stuff in first, and then start bringing in the nicer stuff because your husband is price-sensitive. I did this to my DH ;). “Here, try on this cheap wool sweater. Oh, it’s itchy? Hmm, here, try this one nicer wool one. Oh, you like that better? Well, it’s more expensive. You get what you pay for, honey.” I’ve converted him to having fewer, nicer things, which we buy on sale. *maniacal laugh*

      • Ok, clearly Nordstrom is out of our price range. Are there any slightly cheaper stores for men that might offer some personalized attention/advice?

        • Lynnet, I think you can do better at Nordstrom than either SFBA or cbackson suggest, but you will have to hunt for sale items and look just to get some basics. Use the personal shopper to give you ideas for future shopping. I’d even take a digital camera and take photos of looks. Get a good suit or good quality dress pants / sport coat. Then go somewhere else for the other stuff you need, building on the ideas the shopper gave you.

          • SF Bay Associate :

            Yes, true. Most Nordie’s items are over $100 at full price, and the many are well over $200+, but the service is almost incomparable. Brooks Brothers comes to mind as offering similar service. At Nordie’s/BB, we figure out what my DH wants, either with an official PS or me pulling items myself, and then I sale stalk everything online. I don’t believe in purchasing anything at full price unless it’s a true emergency and we can’t wait for a sale.

        • Geezerette :

          My son worked at Jos A Bank while he was in college, and their staff are usually very helpful in putting together outfits. No appointment is needed, although Saturdays probably aren’t the best time for extensive personal service.

    • Do you or your husband have a stylish male friend who could be his “personal shopper?” My sister is my informal stylist, and her husband has helped my other BIL pick out clothing because he knows men’s fashions and always looks good.

    • I used the PS at Macys. Gave them my budget and the number of ensembles I hoped to get out of that. They put together numerous outfits, using both full-price and sale items. I did go over budget by $100, but that was because I added an extra ensemble. (Of course, that day there was also a savings pass, which they automatically deducted.)

      I would be upfront with the PS about what you hope to achieve before you go in for the appointment and rely on them to tell you if that is achievable.

    • It sounds like he only needs one or two outfits for the meetings you describe? I think a Nordstrom personal shopper will be willing to work with him, even at this price point. You should be able to get at least one good outfit for $300. If you can’t afford to buy everything they suggest, at least you’ll have ideas to work with and you can look for similar items at Nordstrom Rack.

      Personal shoppers want to build up a relationship with you. They don’t expect to make a huge sale on your first appointment. I guarantee you they’d rather he come back every couple of months to make a $200 purchase than to make one $600 purchase and never come back again.

      Macy’s also offers personal shoppers at some locations, but in my experience the Nordies’ ones are much better (just like Nordies’ itself is exponentially better than Macy’s).

    • You can tell them you want one or two outfits, but that’s not a “wardrobe” budget. Just let then know what you’re looking for and what your budget is.

      But, you may not need a personal shopping appointment at Nordstrom to get what you want — the salespeople are pretty helpful. You might have good luck just going in and saying that you have this kind of meeting and don’t know what’s appropriate. They should steer you right. And, going this route, you could do a pre-shop for him, if you think he’s not a good shopper.

    • Thanks for all of the advice everyone. He’s an engineer, so normally it doesn’t matter what he wears, and I have absolutely no eye for men’s clothing. And I’ve never used a personal shopper before, so I’m not sure about the etiquette involved. I think two or three nice outfits, as well as just the advice on putting them together, should cover him.

      • You’re definitely not going to get 3 outfits for $300 bucks at Nordie’s. I’d take him to Banana Republic and ask one of their people for help. Most of the cuts at BR are fairly modern and he should be easily able to get 3 outfits in your price range there.

  9. Boston bound :

    Any recommendations for a male, Boston based primary care physician for DH who is accepting new patients? DH called a slew of doctors yesterday and no one is taking new patients! Thanks.

    • I’d honestly try calling some of the bigger practice groups and asking who IS taking new patients, while expressing a desire for a male physician. Otherwise, its sometimes like searching for a needle in a haystack. If you’re going to be anywhere in that area, I’ve had a good experience with the Fenway Community Health and I know they have some male PCPs (have no idea if they’re taking patients.) Its worth a call to ask.

    • Diana Barry :

      Try David Finn at MGH Medical Group, he was the last time I checked. Super nice guy.

  10. Okay…the above conversation is fun and has inspired this post. Who is on your list? (Ground rules — You have to pick five people of whatever genders you prefer. And its fantasy, so you have to assume you can get with them with zero consequences — so you wouldn’t be breaking up your or their marriages or hurting their three adorable children :-P).

    I’ll start, my list is:
    Mr. Darcy (as played by Colin Firth…but not Colin Firth himself).
    Jake Gyllenhaal
    Ryan Gosling (a recent addition)
    Darren Criss (though since he and Matt Bomer are the same person…I guess this is a twofer).
    Nathan Fillion (Firefly era…if possible).

    Of course, there are many terrible omissions here. But you have to make choices sometimes. :-)

    • Always a NYer :

      I posted above but my comments in moderation. Here’s my list today:
      David Beckham (preferably with longer hair)
      Chuck Bass (assuming there are no STDs in fantasy land)
      Oded Fehr (did you see how how he was in The Mummy movies?)
      Gregory Peck (circa Roman Holiday, or To Kill a Mockingbird, don’t judge)
      Jake Owen (not only can he sing, he’s got long hair, swoon)

      • Re Gregory Peck – no judgment, just 100% agreement. His grandson (Ethan Peck, also an actor) is also super-hot.

      • There are no STDs in the list, the rules specifically state no consequences. ;-)

      • No judgments on Gregory Peck. Sean Connery circa The Rock is on my list, as is Paul Newman in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (minus the domestic abuse), and Marlon Brando in Streetcar (ditto)

      • OMG – Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday is on my list too! I thought I was the only one!!!

      • Haha, I’m glad I’m not the only one who found Oded Fehr to be the most worthwhile thing about The Mummy movies.

        Oh, who am I kidding? I kinda loved The Mummy. But only the first one.

        • Always a NYer :

          Did you see that scene from Deuce Bigelow? The one where he’s getting “searched” by TSA, that man has one fine, rock-hard body. More swooning…

      • Always a NYer :

        Goo Goo Dolls just started playing on iTunes. I need to bump Jake Owen off the list to make room for Johnny Rzeznik.

    • Jonathan Rhys Meyers
      George Clooney
      Gael Garcia Bernal
      Angelina Jolie
      Clive Owen

      • Michael Fassbender
        David Beckham
        Alexander Skarsgard
        Timothy Olyphant
        Jon Hamm

        • Skippy pea :

          Oh my god YES to Timothy Oliphant! I thought I was the only one who was going to have him on their list!

          • I never really noticed him until Justified but I love that show and him now!

          • Am I the only one who loves him from Catch and Release?


            Oh. ;-P

          • Totes McGotes :

            Anyone else remember him in Go? What can’t all drug dealers be that sexy?

          • LOVED him in Deadwood, and Justified, but that could be because DH is a marshal. Fantasy meets real-life FTW!

          • raaaaaaaaylin. I feel like we dont talk about justified enough on here. It is my favorite favorite show. Love boyd and dickie and the hair emergencies on both. ava is become more awesome every episode

          • Charlotte :

            +1000…. I LOVE him! Except his teeth have been perfected too much. He used to be snaggle-toothed, and while I don’t love that either, they was more “normal”-looking than now.

        • Anonymous NYer :

          ooooh ASkars. totally on my list. I’m not married so I’ve never made a list before. This is something I’ll have to do right now.

      • Hhmmm. . I know one or two of these bats for the other team, but after all, it’s a dream list. . .

        1) Daniel Craig
        2) Hugh Jackman (shorter hair version, no beard)
        3) Clinton Kelly (from TLC’s “What not to Wear”; he’s my gay boyfriend)
        4) Oded Fehr ( thanks to whoever above named him. . I had totally forgotten about him)
        5) Patrick Dempsey

        • My hubs was SO upset when he found out Clinton Kelly was gay. I mean he denied it for months.

          • Your husband was UPSET to find out that the man who appears on daytime television dispensing fashion/grooming advice to oddly dressed women was gay? That’s a little weird.

          • I don’t understand why he would be upset….

          • I think that he secretly wants to dress like him…

          • And he can’t why? Trust me, emulating your wardrobe after a gay man has never hurt anyone. :-P

          • My husband loves Clinton and asks almost every single What not to Wear episode he gets tricked into watching, “Can I wear that if I’m straight?”

          • I was bummed when I found out Ted Gibson is gay. But–he’s still on my list.

      • Totes McGotes :

        I love that commercial with Gael Garcia Bernal, Adrien Brody and Andre 3000: 3 hot quirky guys going out on the town… no idea what they’re selling, but YUM.

        TCFKAG, this thread might have been better for a weekend thread! How can I focus on work now?

        Is anyone else hitting Refresh, scrolling back down past the thread where someone asked about doctor recommendations, and going “Who is David Finn? Is he hot?”

        I am definitely weird… and perhaps a little too worked up for a Wednesday morning!

    • Amelia Pond :

      What fun! I am completely outing myself as a total nerd with this list but…
      Anderson Cooper
      Chris Harwick
      David Tennant
      Tyson Beckford
      Rob James-Collier (Thomas from Downton Abbey who recently pushed Wil Wheaton off the list)

      • David Tennant was my favorite Doctor. While I do the Amy/Rory/River storyline, I miss David Tennant. I have a thing for British accents :) So I’d also include Colin Firth on my list.

        • I’m a big Christopher Eccleston fan… But I think I have a thing for the dark broody type…

      • D Train South :

        I heart Tyson Beckford. I don’t need another four.

    • Oh, and I forgot that the part of me on the other end of the Kinsey’s scale demands that I add Jennifer Lawrence. Because d*mn is she smoking hot. Talk about the girl on fire.

      • word.
        Angelina Jolie used to be on my girl list, but she’s too skinny now. :/ Jennifer Lawrence (preferably as a brunette) now fills that role.

        • Angelina Jolie from Hackers will forever be on my kinsey scale list. God she was smoking then. I would have harassed an FBI agent for her.

    • Jonathan Rhys Meyers
      James McAvoy
      Hugh Jackman
      David Boreanaz
      Johnny Depp

    • CP in Seattle :

      Only one man on my list- John Hamm…..That’s ALL the man I could ever want! :) So dreamy!

    • AnonInfinity :

      Edward Norton
      Ryan Gosling
      Clive Owen
      Joseph Gordon-Levitt

      I got the first four out very quickly. The last one is most difficult…

      Aaron Rodgers? Adam Levine with bushy hair? Justin Timberlake? Probably one of those three, but this position rotates frequently.

      • PharmaGirl :

        I will pretty much ditto your list but add Ryan Reynolds at the top.

        • Oh crap. . I forgot Ryan Reynolds. . . I might have to bump Patrick Dempsey off the list for him. . .

    • My two favorite list-dwellers both wound up being extreme jerks to their wives in the past few years (Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz), and I just haven’t been able to get into list making since. I guess jerkdom shouldn’t matter in fantasy world, but, alas, it does. :(

    • Diana Barry :

      Ryan Gosling, yessssss (with his Crazy, Stupid Love body)
      Clive Owen (Gosford Park era)
      James McAvoy, but only if he grew about 5 inches
      Trent Reznor, 90s era
      Ben Affleck

    • Totes McGotes :

      My list (some of these are classics for me, some are just who’s on my mind today):

      1. Taye Diggs AND Idina Menzel (I know I’m being greedy, but hey, they are a team)
      2. Jason Segel
      3. Johnny Depp’s character in Chocolat
      4. Channing Tatum because now I’m thinking about him!
      5. And as they said on SATC, George Clooney’s like a Chanel suit. He never goes out of style.

      • HAve you seen that Jason Segel and Michelle Williams are dating? SO CUTE!!! They’re children would be adorable AND funny. :-)

      • Awful Lawful :

        LOVE Jason Segel. I mentioned to my DH the other day that he is totally the type of guy I would want to marry (if I weren’t already married, of course). He was shocked by this! I just think he’s so adorable and I LOVE a guy who can make me laugh!

        Otherwise, my list would include:
        1. Bill Clinton (White House era)
        2. Dwayne Johnson aka “The Rock”
        3. Patrick Dempsey
        4. Gabriel Macht (in his character of Harvey Spector in Suits)

        • Merabella :

          I love Harvey Spector. I forgot him. I can’t wait for this show to come back for season 2.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Idris Elba (with native British accent, not American accent as in The Wire)
      Ryan Gosling
      Jonathan Rhys Meyers (sober)
      Jennifer Lawrence (good call, TCFKAG)
      Adam Levine – I normally hate tattoos but gosh… something about that man. Yowza.

      and I love looking at Matt Bomer. Only saving grace of the terrible movie that is In Time.

      • Jonathan Rhys Meyers is one of those actors I always forget about until I see him in something and then for a couple months I’m totally in love with him again. And then he disappears and then I see him again. But yeah — god his eyes could sail a thousand ships.

        • Diana Barry :

          Yes. I turn into a 13yo girl again when I see him in Bend it Like Beckham. :)

        • True story: I once literally collided with him while running in Washington Square Park in NYC. And I was all, “JEEZ, what a JERK, why didn’t he look where he was – oh, HELLO THERE YOU EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE MAN.”

      • SF Bay Associate :

        I forgot the guy playing Thor in the movies – Gale’s brother. My goodness, he makes my heart stop. Adam Levine, you’re out.

      • Backgrounder :

        zOMG THIS to Idris with his British accent. Soooo much sexier than his “Stringer Bell” accent!!

    • Skippy pea :

      Hmm this is going o be hard! In no particular order.

      Brad Pitt
      Timothy Olyphant
      Clint Eastwood
      Sendhil Ramamurthy
      Josh Hartnett

    • In no particular order:

      1. Alan Rickman – he’s the voice! I know that makes me odd.
      2. Bruce Willis
      3. Ed Harris – especially the Abyss years.
      4. James McAvoy – he is just dreamy.
      5. The last one is always rotating, but for now I think Michael Fassbender

      • You are not odd. Alan Rickman definitely has that sexy something…

        • Always a NYer :

          This. He was adorably s*xy in Love Actually.

          • Except for the part where he hurts Emma Thompson, a crime for which there can be no forgiveness. :-)

          • Always a NYer :

            Yes, almost cheating with the secretary is not cool. Adultery is never acceptable in my book, not even in fantasy land. But for this exercise, let’s pretend he wasn’t a complete tool and only focus on his s*xy, s*xy voice =p

          • Yes, and I love that the Rowan Atkinson character takes forever wrapping his illicit gift, and the more the Alan Rickman character frets, the more frills and cinnamon-stick shavings he wants to put on the package, further delaying his nervous customer.

        • girl in the stix :

          Alan Rickman, especially in “Truly, Madly, Deeply”

      • Mary Ann Singleton :

        Totally agree re: Alan Rickman.

      • Google “alan rickman music video” and watch it on you tube — I can’t think of the name of the song, but OMG — the man is hot. *swoons*

      • karenpadi :

        If you like Alan Rickman, you gotta see “Truly Madly Deeply”. Trust me.

    • In no particular order:

      Mr. Darcy
      Ryan Gosling
      Aziz Ansari
      Peter Jennings (when he was, you know, alive and not old – I had such a crush on him when I was younger)
      Maybe CoCo?

      • My nanna loved her some Peter Jennings! She used to make sure she was available to watch his show at 7PM every evening.

      • Can't Wait to Quit :

        I was wondering if I was the only Peter Jennings fan – I miss him so much! Also:

        Mike Rowe
        Harrison Ford

        • Anastasia :

          Mike Rowe’s on my list, too! Did you know he was a pro opera singer pre-Dirty Jobs? So hot.

      • My dad watched ABC News every night and I had the biggest crush on Peter Jennings growing up. I actually cried when he died.

    • 1. Wes Bentley – my all-time love ever since “American Beauty” (but no weird Seneca Crane facial hair, thank you)
      2. Tom Welling
      3. Chris Evans
      4. Ian Harding
      5. Chris Zylka

      • Oh wait – I forgot James Marsden! Horrors! Sorry, Chris – you have to go.

        • Oops – I have two guys named “Chris.” All this hotness is clearly affecting my mental function. Revised list:

          1. Wes Bentley
          2. Tom Welling
          3. James Marsden
          4. Chris Evans
          5. Ian Harding

    • Skippy pea :

      Am I the only one who has googled unfamiliar names from this list? good eye candy. :)

    • MaggieLizer :

      Richard Gere in First Knight
      Peter Wingfield
      David Tennant
      Natalie Portman
      Portia de Rossi

      Wow I’m a huge nerd.

      • omg I forgot David Tennant! And now I want to add Freema Agyeman. And early 1990s Kyle MacLachlan. . . .

      • Um, props for the First Knight reference. I think that movie might have propelled me into puberty.

      • Peter Wingfield! I remember him as Methos in the bad Highlander TV series. I vastly preferred him over that clunky Adrian Paul, who always looked like he was reading his lines (haltingly) from a teleprompter.

        • MaggieLizer :

          Yeahhh I think that’s why he stood out so much. His acting in subsequent things hasn’t nearly equalled how well he played Methos.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Oh! Lucy Liu circa Ally McBeal. Feisty and smart and sexy? Yes please.

    • Bradley Cooper
      Jon Stewart
      Ryan Reynolds
      Josh Lucas
      Wilson Bethel (Hot Neighbor Wade)

      and after reading some of the rest of your posts… Gregory Peck and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (from the Bend it Like Beckham days) are on the wait list.

      • HOW COULD I FORGET HOT NEIGHBOR WADE!!!!!! God, what a glaring omission. But who to bump. Can I require that he never wear a shirt.

        Oh my god, this is such a challenge.

    • Idris Elba
      Colin Firth
      Jason Momoa
      Penelope Cruz
      CNN’s own Dr. Sanjay Gupta

      My body is ready.

      • Idris Elba makes me swoon. He was hot in The Wire but his hotness doubled in Luther.

    • Mary Ann Singleton :

      Hmmm….Mine are all over the place.

      1. Johnny Depp (no doubt about it – he’s No. 1)
      2. Benicio del Toro (circa Excess Baggage)
      3. Adam Levine (who is recently single!)
      4. Peter Facinelli
      5. Owen Wilson (bumped Matthew McConaughey off my list)

      • Mary Ann Singleton :

        Actually after reading the above lists I am wondering if some of these will have to get bumped for Wes Bentley and Alan Rickman.

      • PharmaGirl :

        It’s your lucky day… Peter Facinelli is also recently single.

        • Only because he was cheating on his wife with a skanky Twilight extra. Any s*x appeal that man had disappeared when he stepped out on the wife.

          • Mary Ann Singleton :

            I did not know that – this is good info that makes it very easy to bump him off the list. Sorry Peter, you just got replaced by Alan Rickman.

          • PharmaGirl :

            Oh, boo! US Weekly did not mention that little tidbit. They spun the story into Jennie Garth becoming increasingly jealous of his success.

    • Here’s what I’m coming up with at the moment.

      Alan Rickman (I’m right there with you Merabella!)
      Rufus Sewell (specifically from Tristan & Isolde – don’t judge)
      Sean Connery
      Gary Cooper
      Brad Pitt as Achilles in Troy

    • Henrik Lundqvist (really, I could stop here. The rest I have to think about.)
      Robert Downy Jr. in every one of his comedy roles EVER. Love him.
      David Beckham
      previous vintages of Sean Connery and Marlon Brando

      I’m finding myself way out of the loop on current actors, but I’m having so much fun google image searching everyone’s choices!

      • So suprised by the Sean Connery love! he is so forthright about how he slaps women when they misbehave or when they are in lady hysterics I’ve never found him attractive

        • What? What I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

          • haha no youre in the nest. I’m just suprised! I can’t seperate a woman hitter from his looks, but in general personality matters to me a lot in finding men attrative.

        • ha, I tend to not follow anything actors say or do out of character. So for me, Sean Connery = [the best] James Bond (who also isn’t all that nice to women, so I’m not sure that’s an improvement.)

          • Ditto. My list is really just based on what I see on the screen/stage/field/court etc. Now there are some where media attention regarding personal lives has made undesirable traits so prominant that I can’t separate the person from the image. I actually was unaware of his comments. Seeing them now makes me sad and disappointed, but not so much that they ruin my images of him in Dr. No or First Knight.

    • Maple League Admin formerly Anon Canadian :

      In no particular order and off the top of my head:

      Idris Elba
      Ryan Gosling
      Jensen Ackles
      Taye Diggs
      Gene Kelly (circa An American in Paris)

      I could go on and on, my list has no limit.

    • In no particular order:

      Harrison Ford circa Return of the Jedi
      Chuck Bass
      Alexander Skarsgaard
      Ralph Fiennes circa The English Patient…be still my beating heart

      • Always a NYer :

        Spike and Eric Northman both need to be on my list! D*mn this only five thing.

        • What can I say, I must have a thing for bad boy vampires. Angel was on my list for a long time too, but he eventually got on my nerves with all his oh-poor-me whining.

      • Oh, I just realized I missed Viggo Mortensen too. Darn. I can’t stick to 5, sorry TCFKAG.

        • Anastasia :

          Oops, I also Viggo Mortensen. *sigh* even his name is s*xy. Excellent reason to watch LotR… Which reminds me, I also forgot Orlando Bloom, who sometimes makes my list, mostly as a pirate. And Johnny Depp as a pirate (and in all other characters) too… and… and…

          I love this thread!

        • And I *also* missed Patrick Swayze circa Dirty Dancing. Hello, how could I possibly forget him?

    • Yay, I love this game!

      1) Paul Newman circa Cool Hand Luke
      2) Norman Reedus (plays Darrell on The Walking Dead–something about a man with a crossbow…)
      3) Channing Tatum

      4 and 5 will have to percolate for a while longer…so many possibilities =)

    • Matt Damon
      Don Draper (and not John Hamm because he is goofy in real life)
      Kevin Costner
      Gena Davis

    • LOVE this game. In no particular order:

      Christian Bale (but normal, not Batman, voice)
      Ryan Gosling
      Dexter (does this flag me on some FBI list?)
      Alan Rickman in Sense and Sensibility
      Jason Bateman or Will Arnett (this is a toss up for me)

      • gah, how did I forget Christian Bale?!

      • Anonymous NYer :

        I love that you specify batman voice only.

      • Totes McGotes :

        Can’t believe I forgot Jason Batman. For shame.

      • Alright, Peter Jennings and Coco are off my list; Ryan Reynolds and Christian Bale are on. Being on my list is like a professional sports team: better keep up your A game, or you might wake up one morning and find you’ve been traded to another city.

      • Thank you for saying Christian Bale! I was furiously scanning down this list to see if I was the only one! And I have to add: Luke Bryan. (Huge country music fan, here.) Be still my heart.

    • 1) Ryan Reynolds
      2) Ryan Gosling
      3) Bradley Cooper-especially the French talking Bradley Cooper-le sigh
      4) Ian Sommerhalder
      Julian McMahon
      George Clooney
      Harry Connick, Jr.
      David Beckham
      Hugh Jackman
      Prince Harry
      Daniel Craig
      Patrick Dempsey

      -My last several are interchangeable and thus, I can never laminate my list!
      I Love the Mummy movies, phew, I feel so much better admitting that. Though, yes, only the first one is really any good.

      • I forgot about David Boreanaz and Anderson Cooper-totes on the list. And, yes, Paul Newman in his glory. Also JFK. Sigh… Oooh, I like this game. Must click away now.

      • Oooh, and speaking of the Mummy movies….Brendan Fraser.

      • Probably better that you don’t laminate your list – that way when you run into one of them in Central Perk, you can say with confidence that the list not finalized!

      • Everyone’s picking Oded Fehr (justifiably so), but was I the only one who found Brendan Fraser crazy hot in that movie?!

        • Always a NYer :

          I agree that Brendan Fraser was really hot in The Mummy movies. And for the record, I prefer the second one, and Oded Fehr if I had to choose!

      • Ian Sommerhalder! I forgot Damon. D’oh!

    • 1. Derek Jeter
      2. Taye Diggs (especially when he wears glasses on Private Practice – I don’t know what it is about that that gets me)
      3. Hugh Jackman
      4. David Beckham
      5. I’m sure I’ll think of someone later!

    • TCFKAG, you have good taste! Here’s mine:

      – Alexander Skarsgard
      – Michael Fassbender
      – Nathan Fillion (circa Firefly)
      – Ian Somerhalder
      – Taylor Kitsch (circa Gambit or Friday Night Lights)

    • Ok……
      Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights)
      Daniel Craig
      Tony Soprano

      Should I be worried about the fact that Clooney does NOTHING for me?

      • No. You should not be worried. The first rule of “list club” is “different strokes for different folks.”

      • Oh the things I would do to Tim Riggins…

        • And Coach! I felt so bad that I forgot Coach Taylor/Kyle Chandler that I had to come back and add him. I once read a review/recap of FNL that addressed the difficulty of not knowing whether to lust after the high schoolers or the grownups on that show. That kind of thing can really keep you up at night.

      • I’ve never really seen the appeal of Clooney, either. I mean, he’s got a nice smile, but that’s about it. Also not particularly attracted to Brad Pitt, which I know makes me super-weird, but I can live with that.

        • I feel guilty and like a sell out for still thinking Brad is perfection. I feel like its so obvious. But i cant help it.

        • I’m 100% with you on this one, Lyssa.

          Clooney is just too generically “smooth, handsome-and-he-knows-it-older-gentleman.” He bores me, as does Brad Pitt.

    • This is so funny. I don’t have a list. Occasionally I get distracted by guys I know in real life, but not because they are particularly attractive. It’s usually some kind of weird power thing that gets resolved by, er, different means.

      I find myself feeling some resentment of celebrity men I am supposed to find hot. So here is my FOOEY list:

      1) George Clooney is one of the ultimate exemplars of the double standard on aging and appearance. He’s also so pleased with himself I can’t even watch him on TV. Skip.
      1a) Same for Colin Firth. He at least seems to be a more appealing person, but dude. I thought it was kind of touching, not in a good way, when his character (royalty) met the former Elizabeth Bennett from the original P+P movies in The King’s Speech. So symbolic of what happens to female actors as they age as opposed to male actors.
      1b) Rupert Everett I do still like. If anything, his gayness and friendship with Madonna are redeeming. He is allowed to be old.
      2) Edward Norton is, what, the thinking woman’s heartthrob? I am not convinced. Mr. Monday looks like him, but better, and is more intelligent and interesting. I’m staying home.
      2a) Zachary Quinto, same. He isn’t Hollywood-level cute, but his role is always to be brilliant. We don’t even really have an analogous female typecast, because non-gorgeous but brilliant women don’t get to be sexy movie stars. I don’t begrudge his success, but I sure would if I were trying to be the female quant character in Margin Call. Not that there would be one.

      There are so many guys in both of these categories that I won’t even go on! The remainder–beefcake types–aren’t in the running either. So my fantasies are all pretty clean. Like, holding bunny ears behind heads on the red carpet or something.

      • Funny (see my list after yours). To be fair, I knew Ed Norton in passing (like, really really in passing, like friend of friend of friend of friend, so I’m not trying to name drop) before he became famous, and he was known to be really smart. He also speaks Japanese, which warms the cockles of my heart.

    • No order:

      Matt Damon
      Jamie Bamber
      James McAvoy
      Hugh Laurie
      Ed Norton

    • Argh! Thought I had my list all settled, but scrolling through and reading all the posts has me totally confused. Can we amend the rules and make longer lists???

    • Pretzel_Logic :

      1) Ryan. Reynolds. Like, realistically, he’s the top five spots, but that’s not very interesting.
      2) Christian Bale
      3) Shemar Moore
      4) Reggie Bush
      5) Hugh Jackman

      Random others: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (lol), Blake Griffin (I KNOW, but look at him dunk), Jon Hamm, Randall Cobb, Sean Connery, Cary Grant, and I used to looooove Keanu Reeves.

    • Accountress :

      The List:
      Damon Bennett, aka the hottie crew leader from “Holmes Inspection”
      Chris Hemsworth with any hair- but I’d prefer his “Thor” hair
      Colin Firth
      Josh Elliott from “Good Morning America”
      David Muir from ABC News

      And #1 on the list of “Not-on-THE-LIST-but-I-still-want-to-marry-him” is:
      Billy Joel

      • Ooh, that reminds me: Holmes –> Sherlock–> Benedict Cummerbatch. Can’t believe he’s not been mentioned yet.

    • Cillian Murphy
      Michael Sheen
      Chiwetel Ejiofor
      Daniel Henney
      Oded Fehr

    • lucy stone :

      Josh Lucas
      Mark Valley
      David James Elliot
      Gavin Rossdale (for my inner 13 y/o)
      Mark Paul Gosselear

      I do not want to discuss the amounts of terrible TV I have watched in my lifetime because of this list. Also, I would like to marry Stephen Colbert.

      • Oh god. How could I forget Gavin Rossdale. I almost had to stop listening to No Doubt in middle school when I found out they were dating! :-P

    • Magdeline :

      1. Cillian Murphy (as one of a villain- possibly Scarecrow from Batman or his character in Red Eye)
      2. Fox Mulder (/David Duchovney)
      3. The Ice Truck Killer from Dexter
      4. Chuck Bass
      5. Neal from the show White Collar (not the actor)

    • I’m doing this before I look at responses:

      1) James McAvoy
      2) David Beckham
      3) Clive Owen
      4) Denzel Washington
      5) Mark Wahlberg

    • 1. Mr. Darcy
      2. Robert Redford circa 1970s (how has NOBODY said him yet???)

      that is all.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      In no particular order:

      Ian Somerhalder
      Brad Pitt circa Fight Club
      Alexander Skarsgard
      Harrison Ford circa Return of the Jedi (actually, maybe just Han Solo)
      Five is a difficult toss up between David Tennant, Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Anderson Cooper, and the guy that plays the hot soccer coach in Bend it Like Beckham (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers?)

    • Anastasia :

      1. Henrik Lundqvist (So glad someone else here appreciates him. All my IRL friends give me blank stares and ask “who?”)
      2. Mike Rowe
      3. Christian Bale
      4. William Levy (I had never heard of him before DWTS this season, but wow.)
      5. Matthew McConnoughy (except I read an interview once in which he claimed he “never wears deoderant” soooo….)
      5a. Will Arnett

    • Probably easier to make my own than continuing to comment randomly on others:

      Robert Downey Jr.
      Kyle Chandler/Coach Taylor (i.e. both of them independently, but they should count as one)
      Taylor Kitsch as Tim Riggins
      Romany Malco (circa Weeds)
      And a throwback (for me): Luke Perry circa Dylan McKay. I just can’t let that one go.

      • AnonInfinity :

        My claim to fame is that Luke and I have the same birthday! Represent!!!!

        This fact makes me wish I thought he was hot, but I just don’t.

      • Merabella :

        Oh Dylan McKay! I also love Luke Perry’s character in the movie version of Buffy. What can I say… too cute

    • AnonInfinity :

      This thread has made my day and consumed way too much of my brainpower.

    • Yes, this is absolute TORTURE for me!! i am so ridiculously indecisive in the first place, and all of your lists are so *brilliant* that it is only making it more impossible for me to even know where to start! but thanks for all the dreamy thoughts, chicas!

    • This is so hard!

      1. Ryan Reynolds
      2. Nathan Fillion
      3. Liam Helmsworth
      4. Neil Patrick Harris (obviously gay but I just love him!)
      5. James Marsden

      Plus bonus love for Jim Sturgess, James McAvoy, Colin Firth, Chris Evans, Jason Bateman, Jason Segel, Paul Rudd. And lady love for Jennifer Lawrence and Jennifer Garner.

    • punk rock tax lawyer :

      I love this game so much I’m delurking for it. HI EVERYBODY!

      1. Anthony Bourdain
      2. Carrie Brownstein
      3. Guy Picciotto
      4. CM Punk (I was a little relieved to see I’m not the first person on this thread to list a pro wrestler.)
      5. Jenny Shimizu

      • seltzer pop :

        Punk rock tax lawyer, based on your name and list alone, I feel like I’d want to be bff with you in real life.

        Anyway, even though this is super late, here is my list:
        1) Natasha Kai
        2) Harry Shum, Jr
        3) Mindy Kaling
        4) Kate Moennig
        5) Ryan Gosling

        • punk rock tax lawyer :

          Your list is pretty great, too! If you are anywhere near Austin, TX, I may have an opening for a bff. ;)

    • Colin Farrell
      Josh Hartnett
      Mark Wahlberg
      John Stewart
      Tara Reid (circa American Pie days)

    • I vote we get separate lists for men and women. That’s just how I roll, yo.

      In no order:
      Timothy Olyphant circa “Go”
      Paul Newman circa “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”
      Brad Pitt circa “Thelma & Louise.” Or “Ocean’s 11.” Or “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” . . . .
      Daniel Craig
      Jonathan Rhys-Meyers circa “Match Point”

      Jennifer Lawrence! Yikes. Just saw Hunger Games last weekend.
      Keira Knightley
      Angelina in “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”
      Charlize Theron
      The last spot on this list often goes to Penelope Cruz, but at the moment I’m leaning more toward Lady Mary Crawley . . . .

      Also, I would like to be best friends with Emma Stone.

    • Ryan Gosling
      Joseph Gordon-Levitt
      Eric Bana
      George Clooney
      Ben Gibbard
      Ted Lilly

      Yes that’s six. But seriously, what am I going to do, turn down one of these beautiful beautiful* men because my fantasy list was arbitrary limited to five and say “sorry, you’re sixth so let’s just get a cup of coffee and chat”? No, I don’t think so. :) (OK, beautiful on the inside for Mr. Gibbard.)

  11. anyone have off-the-radar fun or interesting suggestions for things to do while on vacation in Dubai? I’ve been several times before, but it’s been a few years since my last trip. Mom and I will have 4 days to spend there.

  12. Rose gold rings :

    Does anyone have experience, thoughts, warnings on getting an engagement ring and wedding band in rose gold? My factors are: sensitive/allergy-prone skin, not currently owning anything rose gold, and wanting rings that will never seem to clash whether I’m wearing silver or gold-colored jewelry for the rest of my outfit. But I have almost nothing to go on! TIA!

    • my engagement ring is white and yellow gold and my wedding band is rose gold, i wear them together and i love feeling a little bada** and clashing all the time. i definitely wouldn’t change anything and tend to mix metals in my other jewelry even more so now than before.

    • Do try it on first – the colour doesn’t work for everyone. If it works for you, know that you can get yellow, white or rose gold jewellery with similarly high gold content (18 k or higher) – these should all be the same in terms of being suitably traditional and not irritating for sensitive skin.

    • I have always loved rose gold, and I got a beautiful rose-gold wedding band. I think all metals are neutrals, and we should mix-and-match as our moods dictate.

      As to the metal sensitivity, you may have to bump your minimum gold % to 18k — 14k makes me itch. My engagement ring, which I wear separately, is platinum and has never bothered me.

    • Not to rain on your parade, but if you’re very sensitive, rose gold may not be the best choice for you. Copper and trace amounts of base metal are what gives the alloy its rosy color, and some people react to it.

      • Rose gold rings :

        Not at all–I posted because I wanted warnings like this, and am clueless. Thank you!

      • Yes – I react to rose gold and also sometimes to white gold. I think yellow gold or platinum are her best bets. I have to have at least 18K yellow gold to avoid a reaction. For me, sterling silver is usually fine, but I know a lot of people have problems with that too.

    • MaggieLizer :

      I have very sensitive skin and it hasn’t bothered me, but if you’re concerned about it then maybe you could get a ring and try it out for a while. I don’t think rose gold clashes with regular gold.

      Someone else may be able to speak to this better, but I wonder if rose gold is a softer metal than you’d want for a wedding ring? My very first jewelry purchase was an antique rose gold ring that I got for about $100 at an antique show when I was 14 or 15. I still have it and love it, but the bottom of the band has become a bit bent over the years. The band is very thin, though, and it could be I’m just hard on jewelry!

      • i think if you went with a higher end place like tiffanys, which does many wedding bands in rose, white, and yellow – you could probably test drive the ring and exchange it if the rose gold doesn’t work out.

    • Hope I’m not too late.

      A friend did rose gold engagement/wedding rings and they were beautiful. She is a red head and they looked great with her skin tone. I have more pink than yellow skin and tend to wear rose gold (rather than normal gold–is that a term?) for that reason.

      Cartier usually has beautiful rose gold rings. If you have one near you, go in and check out their stuff!

      Finally, congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

  13. Ladies –
    Going on my first cruise the week after next (super excited!). Got any good advice? We’re traveling with Carnival and going to Cozumel and Grand Cayman. We’ve got excursions for each port planned. Any advice as far as what to pack for the trip, what to expect, stuff to do (and to avoid) either on ship or at port?

    • Grand Cayman has an open liquor law, so don’t plan on walking around with drinks. I learned this the hard way and ridiculousness ensued after imbibing too many cocktails in one sitting. (I was also on college spring break – soo… this may not really be an issue for you…)

      Go to the Mayan Ruins, they are super cool. Take advantage of the on-boat classes and events. I learned to Meringue – I felt like Baby from Dirty Dancing.

      Wear LOTS of sunscreen, all the time. A lot of my girlfriends got lobster fried on the boat because they didn’t wear enough sunscreen and it ruined their entire trip.

    • Can't Wait to Quit :

      Go to www dot cruisecritic dot com and check to see if there is a roll call for your cruise. You can also just check the Carnival board for general info. There are also passenger review of your ship and itinerary.

    • Bring lots of motion sickness stuff, such as Dramamine and those pressure wristbands. When I went on my first (and only) cruise, I never imagined I’d get sick because motion has never bothered me before. So I brought nothing. Of course, I experienced the most horrific motion sickness ever, and even after stocking up with super expensive stuff sold on the ship, it ruined the cruise. I’ll never go on another one.

      • RussiaRepeat :

        The best motion sickness pill I have ever found is TripTone. It’s sold mostly in specialty stores, like dive shops, but you can also buy it online. It’s the same chemical as Dramamine but reformulated to be actually non-drowsy. I’m a scuba diver and TripTone is the only reason I can keep the hobby because I get really sick on tiny dive boats without it.

  14. I had to laugh at myself this morning. When I’m getting in to work clothes, I have a rotating mix and match set of separates that I pull from, and it’s all relatively easy and painless. Sometimes I switch something, but most of the time I take 10 seconds to pick it all out and I’m good to go.

    This morning? I took the day off because our nanny is on vacation. So I’m taking my 3 year old to swim lessons, then running around in the big city to do errands. I had a total OCD moment about what was the best outfit to wear for that. I have this fear that the other moms at swim lessons will judge me, and therefore I needed to find the perfect blend of casual, cute, functional, stylish, etc etc etc etc. Fifteen minutes later I settled on an outfit that I may or may not change later.

    Am I the only one? Please corporette, you are my only hope…

    • Don’t have kids, but I do this when I go to meet up with some of my husbands friends who have girlfriends. I feel your pain. Just remember that they are probably thinking the same thing, and confidence will make you that cool mom who everyone wants to be!

    • You’re not alone. I get dressed perfectly fine for all of life’s important occasions and then had to attend a kids’ bday party last weekend and totally blanked. Keep in mind that I would not know or ever see 90% of the people in attendance and the fact that most people were dropping off their kids without staying, so I agonized (and even posted here for advice) over an event where the average age of the group was probably 7.

      Oh, and I wished I wore something entirely different the minute I got there!

    • I actually kind of enjoy dressing for days like that, because I don’t have to look work-appropriate, but I will actually be seeing people. I take it as an excuse to wear something more fun. I will say that I don’t have kids and so I don’t have some of the constraints that you may. As for the sort of moms who like to do the judgy up-and-down, I’m sure I never had a chance at their approval anyway ;)

      Enjoy your day, ECMD. I’m sure you look great.

    • I hear you! Sometimes it’s harder to dress for running errands than for work. This morning, I was dressing for leaving for work in a monsoon. Students are off today and it’ll be a quiet day in the office so I am decidedly casual. It gave me a chance to wear my new Saturday shoes:

      They’re not my usual thing but seem like a cuter alternative to sneakers and they’re very comfortable.

    • It was only within the last 6-9 months that I started giving my weekend wear any thought at all (think anything beyond jeans and a hoodie). It has actually made me happier to feel cute while out running errands or meeting up with friends for brunch. So there’s that. But it does require a bit more thought.

      But — if other mommies at swim lessons judge you for not being dressed up to their standards on your one day of from being a surgical resident, you have the official c*rporette permission to drown them (as long as you resuscitate them afterwards.)

    • Totally the same way. Where I live almost all the moms are stay at home moms and I learned at my first t-ball game that standard attire is 100% Lululemon. I totally stress much more about dressing for weekends than for work.

    • I put on mascara to run across the street to the drugstore, so I certainly can’t judge you.

    • Part-timer :

      I’m home with my two little ones two days a week, and I swear I stress more about what to wear on those days. A little bit of my high school self shows up those mornings as I contemplate what to wear to achieve the exact blend you mentioned–casual, cute, functional, stylish….

    • phillygirlruns :

      not alone. i realized recently that i only own things to wear to work and things to wear to the gym. god forbid i need to do something that’s not, say, grocery shopping immediately after the gym. i am incapable of casual dressing.

      • So glad I’m not alone with that! I don’t even have any jeans right now, a casual wear shopping really needs to be in my near future!

  15. TJ on Couples Finances: I moved in with my boyfriend a while back. We both own houses but for a variety of reasons we moved into his house and I now rent the house that I own. When I moved in I realized that he had not been maintaining his home well and we would need to quickly make some repairs so as not to really structurally damage the home. These were issues with the structure that were the fault of the builder but he let him persist for so long that the projects became massive.

    We made round of repairs number on this past winter which totalled approx $15,000. We will have to make another round of repairs for about $22,000 this summer. These are not “dream kitchen” type optional repairs but rather fixing the foundation sort of non-negotiable repairs so putting off the repairs much longer is not an option. The house is located in a part of the country where real estate is actually appreciating fairly quickly despite the economy and we plan to be there at least another 5 years so it makes sense to invest these dollars in repairing the house.

    Currently, we make the exact same amount of money and share finances in a his-mine-ours way where we both contribute equally to the shared expenses (his mortgage, utilities, groceries, meals we eat out together, etc.) and then we each do what we wish with the rest of our money. I am by nature a saver and am saving about 30% of my income. My partner is not a saver and talking about money stresses him out greatly. I do not know exactly how much or if he saves each month.

    We are not getting married anytime soon for a variety of reasons (that we are both totally agree with and are not at issue here) and the house that we live in is only in his name. So far, I bank rolled the first round of repairs out of my savings and he paid me back as he could over about 9 months.

    I am now debating how we should address covering this second, more expensive round of repairs. I have the dollars to bankroll it again and he could pay me back over what would be a period of years (he was able to pay back the first amount so quickly because he receive a large, unexpected windfall.) This gives me pause because I am not an owner of the house and therefore won’t realize a financial gain when the house eventually sells. The sum of $22,000 would pretty much wipe out my savings and delay me for several years from reaching an investment goal I very much want to make.

    I could conversely have my partner take out a fairly low interest loan to cover the amount and have him pay it back. This would be awkward since it would mean that we would be on awkward financial footings since he would be cutting back to pay this loan and I would be reaping the benefits of this investment opportunity.

    Am I just being really petty for hesitating to front him this money? I really do think that we will be together forever and are actively talking kids, etc but this just gives me pause. I am annoyed that we moved in together and now I am suddenly having to deal with these huge issues with the house that are both financial and lifestyle related (didn’t realize I was agreeing to move into a construction zone for two years when I have a perfectly good house of my own). I am also annoyed that he has not really buckled down to address his role in this part of the problem. If it were me, I would be asking for cash for all gifts so I could sock it away and really cutting back on my personal spending so I could save really aggressively. Instead, I do not see him saving all that aggressively at all.

    And, I totally feel like an a**hole for being annoyed by this since I am by no means perfect either and he has strengths where I have weaknesses too (one of which is being judge-y which I am really trying hard not to be here.)

    So ladies, any advice? Really any comments at all would be greatly appreciated. I love this person very much so I have not shared this huge issue with people in my personal life at all.

    • I am sorry this was such a long post! Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read all of this.

    • I don’t think you are being petty for not wanting to bankroll an investment that won’t turn out in your favor later. That would give me pause as well. I don’t know enough about this situation to say one way or another what you could expect financially. Could you write up a contract for a loan so that you are covered? This isn’t meant to sound harsh, but you aren’t married, and you have no obligation to pay for repairs to his home when he didnt’ take care of it himself to begin with. Don’t feel like an a-hole, you are just trying to protect yourself and your hard earned money.

      • I have tried numerous, numerous times in many different ways. For whatever reason, this subject just makes him totally shut down and not function. It’s really frustrating. So far all of the work on the house has been done by me – finding and managing the contractors, getting permits, working out excel spreadsheets of expenses, etc.

        • Sorry, that reply was for Godzilla below.

          I have literally tried every strategy mentioned on this board for talking about finances with the same poor result.

        • Anne Shirley :

          Seriously? Move out! He’s a grown man. If he refuses to take care of himself you shouldn’t. And don’t spend a penny more on this! It must be nice for him to have the luxury of shutting down and dumping all the work on you.

          • Second this!

          • Third this. He’s a grown man acting like a child.

            You know, everbody has a superpower, his is sulking. I hereby christen him: THE INCREDIBLE SULK.

            That’s right, when there’s a real issue to deal with, and never mind that it matters to you, he’ll just take a huge breath, refuse to exhale and sulk.

          • Move out and untangle your finances from his. You should have a cohabitation agreement that addresses all of this. Without one, who knows what happens. If you are paying part of the mortgage and all these repairs, you should be accruing equity in his house, for starters. If he can’t be a big boy and discuss this with you, he can be a little boy alone without you. I’ve been with both and let me tell you, big boy with a cohabitation agreement is better than little boy who won’t discuss it.

        • MaggieLizer :

          I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really not fair of him to expect you to take on 100% of the responsibility for maintaining and paying for maintenance of his home. From what you’ve said of him – putting off serious repairs, being unwilling to deal with the repairs, not saving up an emergency fund when he’s a homeowner, not saving for the future, being unwilling to talk about finances, etc. – I really question his maturity. You already fronted him a huge chunk of cash; you’re not being selfish or mean by refusing to wipe out your savings to bail him out again.

        • He needs to get some help, then. Neither he nor you should have to live without being able to talk about money.

    • Have you asked him how he wants to take care of this issue? Bring it up in a low-key time, when both of you are in a good mood, to seriously and thoughtfully discuss all options.

      Sometimes our loved ones *don’t* want us to offer our cash. And if you’re feeling uncomfortable about offering your money, don’t offer it. Let him ask and you contribute what you feel comfortable with not having for a long time.

    • Ooh, Marmalade, reading this just made me tense up.

      Do not wipe out your savings to fix this man’s house! Do not delay your investment goals!

      I think it’s fantastic you guys are on the same page re where your relationship stands, marriage, kids, etc. But you have to take care of your star player. It may be cynical, but I think you need to keep in mind worst case scenario: this relationship falls apart for whatever reason, you have zero savings, no equity or legal interest in his house, and he has a nice little house and no financial consequences. What a great place to be in!… for him. It’s his house; he should take out the loan. You should continue to save and make that investment.

      I’m sure everybody else will jump on this, too, but please consider the impact your wildly different financial styles will have on your future life together. You’re a saver and, it sounds like, fiscally responsible. He’s not. This house situation? Just a glimpse into how things will be between you guys. He doesn’t have to adopt the exact same financial style as you (just as you don’t have to adopt his), but you guys have got to find a way to get on the same page financially, and it definitely sounds like you’re not there.

      And finally… is it an option for you to cut the renters loose and for the two of you to move into your house while he sells his?

      • I was going to write separately, but instead I’ll just say that I agree with all of this.

      • Instead of typing everything out, I’ll just say I’m in total agreement with Herbie’s advice.

      • I’ll also jump on the “agree with Herbie” bandwagon. Great advice!

      • One other thing of note that I took out of my original post since it was already so long is that he will inherit a large sum of money in the next ten years. Not mega-millions jackpot big but equivalent of a couple years salary. I think this pending inheritance is taking away some urgency to save now.

        I think I would be ok being in total control of our finances and savings. I actually really enjoy managing my own finances and already pay all of our joint bills. For those of you who manage their money the inverse of what we do and have spending “allowances” how did you SO bridge that conversation? I think putting him on a spending budget would work but I feel so “mom-ish” for even proposing this. I worry that I would grow resentful. How do couples work where one person is clearly in control of the finances??

        • I think you both have to sit down and agree to a financial plan (even if you draft it first, and if you take care of the day-to-day and monitoring afterwards). Then you’re coming to a mutual decision about how to deal with your money (including fun money allowances), not just imposing a limit on him. And, he should monitor his own discretionary spending to make sure that he’s hitting your agreed upon goals. I agree with you that I certainly wouldn’t want to have to play bad mommy with my partner’s spending!

        • Honestly, I don’t think the inheritance makes a difference. His attitude about money is still troubling.

      • Cosign. This. This. This.

      • This. DH and I were engaged when I bought our house. Because we were not yet married, and I was fronting the down payment, the house is in my name.

    • I just reread. Not an awkward situation for him to take out a loan to make repairs on his investment (house). He can make the sacrifices needed to care for his house, and you two live together, so he may not have to cut back as much as he would if he lived alone.

      There are reasons that this is giving you pause. Sometimes you need to listen to your gut. Maybe his financial habits are what are worrying you.

    • Dude this is red flag zone. Why would you not see any of the house sale money? If he is treating your money as his (for purposes of repairs) why would you not see any of the financial gain from his house?

      Totally reasonable to be annoyed- he sounds really lazy when it comes to buckling down and getting his sh*t in order. (he let the house repairs go undone for way to long, and now isnt saving when he knows its on the horizon?) tell him to get a loan.

      • Ms. No Name :

        I am in a somewhat similar position. Bf moved to my major city for me, accruing a hefty sum of credit card debt in the process. We are now planning another big move and buying a house in about a year and a half. I have been aggressively saving for the move and plan to be at my goal for the down payment of the house by December. Meanwhile, he is focusing on paying off the credit card debt. We’ve discussed whether it makes sense for me to just use my savings to pay off his credit card debt, but that would essentially bottom out everything I’ve saved to date. He’s also brought up me taking out a consolidation loan for the debt amount, since I could get a lower interest rate with my good credit score, but I’m not completely comfortable with that bc worst case scenario we don’t work out and I’m left owing the entirety of the consolidation loan. We’ve also discussed me co-signing a loan, which I think I would do in the end if it meant a lower interest rate.

        Anyway, you are not alone. I am far better at saving and financial planning than my SO. I too see ways he can cut corners to save more (do you really need that electronic right now?), but in the end we haven’t combined our finances and so I don’t go there. Plus, I don’t really want questions on how much I just spent at Nordstrom.;) I’ve compromised by taking on more of the rent and taking over more of the monthly bills (we live together) so he can throw more money each month towards paying off the debt. This leaves me with slightly less money each month, but still keeps me on track for the end of the year saving goal. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

        • PittsburghAnon :

          You co-signing a loan puts you at the exact same risk as you taking one out in your own name. In both cases you are on the hook for the full amount if he doesn’t pay.

        • Marmalade :

          Ms. No Name, I totally hear you. My boyfriend actually had a lot of cc debt which he got rid of through refinancing his house about 6 months before we moved in together.

          • oh come on marmalade, he sounds awful with money. He needs to talk about this with you, or this will be a very rocky forever

    • You’re right to be concerned; money is a big issue. Even though it stresses him, you have to have a money conversation. Are your savings always going to be the only backstop and if so are you ok with that? You say you have equal incomes and you don’t know if he saves, but it seems like you should have an idea of how much he spends. Does it seem like he fritters money away? Does he have an expensive hobby?

      I think an equally important issue is his inattention to maintenance to the extent that the foundation is endangered; that would be a huge red flag for me. It also seems contrary to how you are. Are you prepared to be the one who stays on top of this?

      As to funding the repairs, you have to have the conversation. If home values are appreciating, he should be able to get a loan. You’d then have to decide if that home loan is part of “his” or “joint” monthly payments.

      Someone else mentioned moving back into your house; do you consider that an option? Another possibility that might give you some comfort in this situation is to get him to give you (or for you to pay for) a share of his house, so any future gains would help you financially.

      If you’re this annoyed (and just about anyone in your situation would be), he needs to know about it, and you should press him for not just a solution to this problem, but a system for addressing future problems, be they with the house or anything else (for example, if his car suddenly died would he be able to replace it, or would that be on you, too? What happens when have kids — will he support you for an extended maternity leave? Will you support him if he wants to be a SAHD?). If you’re planning a life together, especially with kids, you need to know each others’ expectations and styles.

    • Did I miss something in your post? Are you otherwise contributing to the cost of his house (e.g. mortgage?) since you live there? I’m confused as to whether you are receiving money from renting your house, but you are concerned about lending him money to fix the house you are living in? That seems fine if you are already contributing to the daily/weekly/monthly expenses of his house, but you shouldn’t expect to live there for free while someone else is paying you to live in your house. You are building equity in your house through their rent, but expecting him to go into debt to build equity in his.

      • re read it says they split the mortgage of HIS house 50/50

      • MaggieLizer :

        “we both contribute equally to the shared expenses (his mortgage, utilities, groceries, meals we eat out together, etc.) ”

        I’m assuming the rent from OP’s house covers that mortgage since she didn’t mention it, and if OP gets more than the mortgage then she would certainly be within her rights to save that money for repairs, etc. for that house.

      • Marmalade :

        I rent my house for slight profit.

        I currently pay half of my boyfriend’s mortgage (which he actually refinanced before I moved in to take out some equity to pay off cc debt.)

        • Left coaster :

          I saw that in the original post, and immediately honed in on that as well. Do you two have an agreement about the ramifications of you paying half his mortgage? Unless he is also paying some portion of yours, he is totally getting a windfall here — you are paying some portion of his loan, but he will be the one who gets 100% of the value and/or any profit when he sells or refinances. I have some couple friends who are unmarried but live in a house owned by one, and all of them have agreements about how the non-owner member’s of the couples payments are handled (i.e., either the non-owner pays a smaller amount reflecting the fact that he/she has no ownership interest, or the owner will buy out the non-owner for the costs of contributions to principal if the relationship ever dissolves). I think you would be very wise to do the same.

        • He’s also getting 100% of the mortgage interest deduction on his taxes…

    • I think in your situation I’d bankroll it in exchange for getting my name on the title, and consider it an investment, not a loan (i.e. not for him to pay back). I wouldn’t have bankrolled the first set of repairs, actually. Alternatively, he could get a loan from the bank instead of from you.

      My answer would be different if you shared finances and co-owned the house, but from your description I think if it’s clearly established that this is his house, that you keep money separate, etc, it’s unreasonable to expect you to pay for these things. What would happen if you had a large unanticipated expense at the house you own, and you’d spent your savings on fixing his house?

      • This is what I’d be inclined to do as well, especially if you are planning on living in this house long term. At some point, I think it will be easier if the property you live in falls under the “ours” category so you’re not facing this problem again and again about whether you’re investing in the place you’re living or just “renting” from him.

        I also agree with what the others have said above about his inability to talk about money being a long term problem, and perhaps a bigger problem than whether or not you should lend him money. You HAVE to be able to talk about finances in some functional way if you’re together long term, especially if you have different attitudes towards spending/saving. If you’ve tried approaching him in numerous ways without success, I’d call in a therapist/other professional to help you figure out how to get past that communication barrier.

      • Marmalade :

        He has never offered giving me a portion of the ownership of the house during the many conversations on this topic. How would you suggest this?

        Also, should I reciprocate and give him some ownership of my house?

        • No unless he is paying for it like you are with him. Marmalade honestly, this situation just seems like such man-child bad news. The refusing to talk about money just seems like a red flag to me. Of course it is not as awesome about talking about fun stuff but youve got to put your footdown if you spending thousands of dollars on his investment. What would he be doing without you? Just letting it depreciate and become dangerous?

          Also if your name is on the title, if he stops paying the mortgage doesnt that mean she is on the hook for all of it?

          He just sounds so irresponsible with money. I think he needs a serious come to jesus talk. (A note on the inheritence, you never know what could happen between now and whenever that person dies. Things can change)

          • Actually, he sounds irresponsible with Marmalade’s money. He’s actually quite savvy and manipulative-sounding, by spending her money, refusing to give her any proceeds or putting her name on the title to the house. He’s a user, which is way more troubling than just being crappy with money.

          • Total Man-child syndrome.

            Marmalade, his silence on this issue is speaking. You don’t want to hear what it says. I get it, because you see the solution and have gone into “plan, fix” mode. But he is not participating. So what he is telling you is that he does not want to do this.

            I had a similar situation with my ex’s CC debt and poor credit score due to late payments. It did not work out for me.
            PLEASE just take care of yourself and your OWN finances.

        • Always a NYer :

          Unless he’s contributing to your house, he doesn’t have any right to it. You are entitled to owership of his hand because you are paying half the mortgage as well as repairs that need to be done.

          • Diana Barry :

            Well, yes, but this is very hard to prove and would require litigation.

        • Merabella :

          I don’t have any answers for your first question, but in response to the second: No you shouldn’t have to reciprocate and give him part ownership in your house because he isn’t making any contributions to your house.

        • Honestly, there’s a few red flags here for me.

          His inability (unwillingness) to deal with money/save/plans for a future would make me nervous. Just because you think you’ll get a future windfall doesn’t excuse not being smart with your money. That’s classic behavior of people who burn through their inheritance and wonder what happened.

          It troubles me that he’s had ongoing structural issues with his house and didn’t jump on fixing them. He could have taken out a HELOC or worked out a payment plan or something. Leaving it to you to deal with it should not have been an option.

          I would just tell him that it’s his house and he needs to deal with it. It’s not your responsibility. If he avoids dealing with it that’s his problem. We all have to deal with stuff we don’t like, this isn’t going to be the last house issue he ever deals with.

          I wouldn’t ask to be on his title or him on yours. You shouldn’t be giving him any equity in your house (what would you be getting in exhange? nothing). If you loan him the money write up a contract for it. But if you’re on the title it will also mean that future creditors can come after you for payment.

      • Diana Barry :

        Be careful with the getting your name on the title, though – since you are not married it would be a taxable gift to you, unless you put in exactly the interest in the house that you were getting (and you would need an appraisal for that).

        • Diana Barry :

          And I wouldn’t do this. I would have HIM get a home equity loan to cover the repairs, since it is his property. Then he should have no problem paying back the home equity loan when he gets his inheritance in a couple of years.

          BUT, I also agree with everyone else above that you need to be able to have a conversation about (1) the house, (2) expenses etc., and (3) finances in general. This is a big communication problem!!!

          • I agree with this. He should get a loan from someone else (a bank), and not from you. If he’s unwilling to consider that or not motivated enough to look into it … that’s a separate issue.

          • Agree.

        • Well if she’s paying half the mortgage plus making a big payment for repairs, I don’t think that she’d end up with much of a tax burden. The cost of repairs could easily be half of the equity in the house; it doesn’t sound like it’s mostly paid off.

    • I know this is unromantic, but I think that you should pay him rent in some way (since, presumably, he’s paying a mortgage for both of you to live). And, by rent, I mean that you could, perhaps, pay 10K in repairs and that would cover 10 months of rent at 1000/month. I entirely agree that you should not be fronting thousands of dollars in repairs for a house that you have no ownership interest in. You absolutely need something in writing.

      I’m also concerned, more broadly, about what others have commented on as a lack of maturity and ability to deal with problems on his part. It’s your life, certainly, but I worry about whether this is the right person to make any life (or long-term) commitments with.

      • Oops, missed that you’re paying part of the mortgage – that’s basically rent, then. So, yes, either he gets a loan on his own or you make a very official (in writing, with a lien on the house) loan to him (not recommended).

        I assume that he was able to pay the mortgage on his own before you moved in – if that’s the case, I can’t see why he can’t find a way to pay for the repairs.

      • Marmalade :

        I already pay half of his mortgage every month and half of all utilities. These home repairs would be on top of what I already pay.

      • If he were to get a home equity loan, wouldn’t the monthly cost of that be one of the expenses you split 50/50? If so, he shouldn’t be terribly strapped for cash, and that would seem to be a fair deal all around.

        • Another plus of this approach is that you are not responsible for the debt long term. You are being fair and offering to cover your one half of current expenses associated with the home you live in.

        • I don’t see how that is fair at all. If you pay your landlord rent, you don’t pay for home repairs. She has her own house to worry about.

    • Marmalade :

      Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I really appreciate all the time everyone took to write their replies.

      Could I ask one final question, if I put this all back on him and say that he needs to work all of this out himself, I really worry that he will just not do anything. Then I will be living in a very poorly maintained building (irony – i work in construction). Ugh, I really love my partner and don’t want to force a split on this but as I type this I see that is where I have to be willing to go.

      • If your partner can’t handle talking about money and taking care of the logistical details of ensuring that you have a safe, well-maintained place to live, then FAR BETTER to know that now, when it’s just a house on the line, then in ten years, when kids might be on the line.

      • You think you will be “forcing a split” by refusing to pay for repairs? That makes me sad, because it shows you have little faith in your partner’s ability to understand your perfectly legitimate concerns. You could be right – maybe he cares more about avoiding reality than addressing both of your needs – but then what kind of a partner is he? The fact that he is so willing to foist his problems on you gives me real pause.

      • You don’t have to make him do it all himself (this time), but he does have to participate, and you have to jointly agree who will do what by when. If he doesn’t have the skills, he won’t be able to go from 0 to 60 in time for the immediately-needed repair project. His willingness to learn financial skills, home-ownership skills, and communication skills should be a key metric by which you judge whether you can continue in this situation.

        Note that I am not suggesting that he has to get to your level of financial management and project management skills — in every relationship each partner has different talents, weaknesses and preferences, and you hope they balance each other out. That said, there is a minimum level of competency that every adult should have, and he has to get at least there.

        • Agree, and was going to write something like this. I handle most of the bill paying and do our taxes, and I also am the one that kind of does the home repairs. I’m just better at that. But my hub has to be at least at a self sufficiency standard! Marm’s bf sounds like he just shoves his head in the sand when it comes to any sort of financial responsibility

      • You are not asking for much, your asking him to take care of his sh*t. A basic need- a safe well maintained building. If you think his response to you telling him something you need for security, will just be to sit back and do nothing, than that says a lot about his character. He is a grown man! It is crazy that he can’t talk about money, and the fact that he can’t, plus all the other things (letting the building fall into disrepair, tons of cc debt, not saving) say he is a taker, taker, taker, and wants you to just fix everything for him. You call him a partner but he is not at all, and you deserve one!

      • I don’t want get all judgey with you, but I think you need to read one of your own quotes above and really think about this in the context of the rest of your life.

        “if I put this all back on him and say that he needs to work all of this out himself, I really worry that he will just not do anything.”

        1). Re putting “this all back on him” – this is his house, which he bought, with his own money. You are not putting this all back on him – it has been on him all along. This is his responsibility.

        2). Re worrying “that he will just not do anything” – You are right to worry. He has not done anything up to this point.

        Please consider how this situation could play out in other future contexts. Planning a wedding. Purchasing a home together. Saving for retirement. Taking care of sick/aging/dying relatives. Having children, raising children, sending children to college. Ask yourself, are his attitudes and behaviors likely to reoccur in these contexts? Am I liley to be put in situations similar to the one I’m in know re his house? If so, how does that make me feel?

        Maybe the answer is that this will be an isolated incident. Maybe though, it is not. Just some things to think about.

        • Marmalade :

          He’s actually a really amazing person in other areas of his life. He has a really important job and does well one it. He’s the rock of his family and is taking care of his aging grandparents. He is a true community leaders.

          He just has this totally weird psychology when talking about the house and money related to the house. I think this is why I am giving him so much leeway on this issue, because its so narrow.

          Plus, I have the same sort of emotional response to other problems. When I have issues with people in my life, I just cut them out/completely ignore the issue which is HUGELY unhealthy so I know where he is coming from.

          • Marmalade :

            Gah, sorry for the poor writing. posting from my phone.

          • You are making excuses for him!

          • That’s great that he has a good job and is a leader.

            But what do those things have to do with taking care of his relationship with you? I’m sure he has redeeming qualities; that’s why you’re with him. But again I’d give serious thought to a long-term future with someone who refuses to discuss money and has been so fiscally irresponsible and apparently has no intention of changing his habits. Don’t give yourself permission to overlook this huge red flag just because he’s gainfully employed, good at his job, and takes care of grandma and grandpa. A rose by any other name…

          • Seattleite :

            Marmalade, please don’t plan a life with a guy because of his important job, aging grandparents, or community leadership. Those things pale in comparison with how he behaves in his relationship with you. He’s willing to let you do the heavy lifting, is unwilling to accept responsibility, and stonewalls you on an issue that is 1) very important and 2) causing you stress.

            These behaviors will not be isolated to ‘house.’ They are indicative of his character. Proceed accordingly.

          • We all have strengths and weaknesses, so I wouldn’t be as quick as some of the others to judge how you and he should be handling your relationship. But he really does need to talk to you about the house and financial matters, even if you end up taking care of them.

          • So sorry you’re going through this, Marmalade. My bf has issues with his house too–bought at the height of the market, way underwater, and hates hates hates thinking about anything related to it (and has maintenance issues that he doesn’t even *see*–he has no IDEA how little his place is actually worth). So I can see how it could be an isolated thing and not indicative of his whole character.

            That said, do you not get yourself financially tied up in this mess. Maybe he has this one blind spot, but it could be a blind spot that sucks up all your money from now to the end of time.

            It sounds like he is willing to go along with things if you arrange for them to happen. It is totally unfair on you to have to do all the leg work, but arrange a meeting at the bank. Call his mortgage company about a HELOC. Talk to the person who did his last re-fi about doing another one to take out the repair costs. Once all he has to do is sign on the dotted line, it sounds like he will do it.

            Don’t co-sign the loan, don’t give/lend him the money, and don’t put yourself on the mortgage or deed.

          • Well, I’m glad he is good at other stuff in life, but that means that he can be good about the house, and chooses not to, for whatever reasons. If you told me he was terrible at everything, I’d almost give him a free pass then, but this kind of makes it worse.

            Charity begins at home. I don’t get a great vibe from his managing his outside image– all his outside relationships– work, community, grandparents, but letting the core stuff, home (where you both live), and your emotional well-being fall by the wayside. I don’t think he has his priorities straight here.

          • I’m in agreement with 409 here — I’m surprised at how ready everyone here is to judge the entirety of his character and your relationship based on one issue. Yes, finances are a big issue, and yes, he’s handling them badly, but everybody has some blind spots (and sometimes major ones). I have historically handled health issues of mine badly (in a way that I’m sure others would deem irresponsible) because health stuff freaks me out, but it’s gotten a lot better over the years with the support of my partner, me working with a therapist, etc. Frankly, it makes me a little bit sad that there are so few voices here advocating working through major issues with your partner rather than cutting and running while you can.

        • Co-sign, Sconnie. How OP could possibly “put this all back on him” when it’s his house that’s dilapidated because of his own irresponsibility is beyond me.

      • If he’s willing to split over this, he’s a man-child, and absolutely you’re better off without him.

        I would NOT take an interest in the home as a satisfaction of paying the costs to repair. He can take a home equity loan or a private personal loan to cover the repairs if (as it sounds like he might have), he blew his equity to pay of his credit card debt before you moved in.

        Honestly, it sounds to me like he’s awful with money, and like he’s looking for you to just pony up the money and/or take care of the issue. Don’t do it. If he’s not able to take responsibility for this, that’s HIS problem. If he’s going to do nothing and continue to mis-manage his finances to the point that he looks to you to bail him out, you need to get out of there.

  16. Fire in my building today. 5 fire trucks, ladders, hoses, men with axes and saws. Plus, an ambulance, a rescue truck and 5 or 6 red jeeps with officials.

    We stood outside for about 45 minutes. We’re now back in the building, but the alarms are still going off! Flashing lights and sirens. Can’t believe we’re supposed to work through this.

    Also, an fyi for those of you who frequent the BSC at South Station. It’s in my building so the alarms are going off there, too. You might want to skip the gym today.

    • Ruhroh — my lunch plan was the food trucks at Federal Plaza! But that’s probably a bad idea if everyone has been kicked out of their buildings and has nothing else to do. Boo.

  17. Corporette Confessional:

    my nail polish is totally chipped today.

    • Horrors!

    • My nail polish had been far more than chipped for about two weeks. I finally got around to removing it this morning. Win for me I guess? :-P

    • The polish has completely chipped off the middle toe on my left foot, while the rest are all still hot pink (and somewhat chipped). Close-toed shoes FTW! Glad I’m not going through airport security anytime soon.

      • Ooh, we have twin toenails right now!

      • Why is it that kitten heels always chip off the polish on one toe? Happened to me again yesterday, but fixed it last night.

      • manomanon :

        shoot! I forgot about airport security… I have to go through tomorrow and I’m mildly obsessive about my nail polish… but haven’t had time to deal with my toes lately…
        Thanks for the reminder (I think)

    • Twinsies!

      • Awful Lawful :

        I got a gel manicure about a month ago. I have no completely pulled the polish off of 4 nails so far and the other 6 are chipped beyond belief! Thank god it’s a pale pink/clearish color!

  18. Moving to LA :

    How was the Los Angeles meetup on Sunday? I hope you’ll consider doing it again this fall :)

  19. Love this. Purchased!

    • 237 comments in and we get our 2nd comment on the item of the day. :-P Good job us.

      And I hope you enjoy your purchase COS!

    • I bought it too. I will report.

  20. anonnynon this time :

    So I’m a very regular poster and I don’t want to out myself for this.
    I’m a biglaw lawyer and had a past career in a very creative industry. I recently landed a gig writing freelance for an industry blog I really love and am meeting the editor today for the first time. I feel like my outfit is totally inadequate. please reassure me? (going to the meeting straight from work)

    navy pleated skinny leg trousers
    purple and mauve colorblocked high-low hem button front blouse untucked
    brown-based tweed hacking jacket from j.crew.
    gray sturdy round toe pumps. roomy
    beat up floppy bag in a gray/brown color
    navy blue plastic framed glasses

  21. Magdeline :

    This is very Alicia Florrick. I like it a lot!

  22. TJ – I have a question about pet/house sitting. In the last city I lived in, my friends would pet sit for me when I went out of town because they loved my dog and my place. To thank them, I’d take them out to dinner or bring them back a gift if I went out of town for longer than a day or two, but we never really talked about money. I moved to a new city last summer and boarded my animals when I had to go out of town because I didn’t have enough friends yet, though both the animals and I hate boarding. Recently I’ve made some new friends at work who have expressed an interest in my house (big house I live in alone + pool + really nice kitchen + movie theatre) and my pets (a very cuddly and sweet dog and kitten). I’ve asked them if they would ever consider watching the animals while I’m out of town, and both enthusiastically answered yes.

    So my question is do I need to offer to pay them for petsitting and, if so, how much is appropriate? Or do I just ask if they’re free on a certain date and then take them out for dinner when I get back, like I used to do? And does the answer depend on how much either of them makes or their gender (i.e., would the fact that someone makes less money than me or the same amount of money as me matter? Would a guy friend be just as happy with a fridge full of beer and a free meal than a check for petsitting?)? TIA!

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I would offer to pay, especially in situations where these are fairly “new” friends and coworkers. I would say you definitely need to pay if you are asking someone junior to you at work to do this. I have pet sat for coworker’s animals and they’ve paid me something like $30 / day (in an area where boarding at a kennel is more like $40-50/day).

      • This. I’d offer to pay, and perhaps ask them to suggest a daily amount they’d be comfortable with. They may come back and say that staying in the house is payment enough (in which case, I’d still do the dinner/gift certificate), or they may suggest some minor amount due to the fact they already appreciate the luxury accomodations! Either way, you won’t have to worry that you are taking advantage of their willingness to help out.

    • in our current apt bldg and our last bldg we found neighbors who also had kitties and set up a pet-care exchange among us. obviously it’s different because they’re neighbors, but we’re just friendly neighbors and not friends and we trade care. i always try to bring something back from my trip to thank them and have never really considered doing anything more. I’ve done this when a neighbor has watched the kitty pies for up to a week. but, i’ve also done some pet sitting for a former boss who was living in a beach house for awhile, i was a college student and i was just happy to enjoy her home in exchange for doing the care.

    • Wait. Are they going to be staying at your place while you’re gone? If they’re going to enjoy hanging at your posh place while pet sitting then I think taking them out to dinner or bringing back a gift when you get back should be sufficient.

      • Yeah, they’ll be staying at my place. I was particularly targeting friends who had roommates or smaller places and might want to have a weekend alone or in a bigger place.

      • I agree. Your house sounds amazing! If you live in the tri-state area I’ll do it for you no payment required! :)

    • karenpadi :

      I don’t mix my friends and my cats. My girl-cat is a capital B who is anything but warm and cuddly.

      FWIW, I pay the neighbor boy (I think he’s 13) $5 per day to come over, pick up the mail, clean the litter box and feed the cats. I offered $10/day but his dad thought it was way too much.

    • I wouldn’t offer to pay, and I wouldn’t accept pay if I were in your friends’ position. Instead, offer them unlimited use of the pool and theater while you’re gone, and give them a lovely gift when you get back. I think most people find it really awkward to mix friendship and money like that, and it creates a strained relationship that’s half friends, half employer/employee.

    • another anon :

      I’ve paid a friend about $40 per day to stay at my house and care for one cat and a dog. My reasoning for picking that amount was that it is still cheaper than the kennel, and I am getting more for my money (someone watching the house, getting the mail, watering plants, etc., and the animals are getting more attention than at the kennel, and the cat vastly prefers to stay in his own house). If it was just someone coming over periodically, I think you could pay less, but on the other hand, I’m not sure that would be such a great situation when you have a dog. FWIW, we do have a neighborhood pool that the petsitter can use during the summer and a very nice kitchen, but no movie theater. It honestly never occurred to me that just staying in our house might be enough compensation, but our house is also kind of far from where our petsiitting friend lives, so I figure it is somewhat of an inconvenience for her, even if she is getting use of the pool and whatnot.

    • I did this for various co-worker friends for about two years, before getting my own pets. They paid about $15/day where boarding or professional services would have been $40-60. I was glad to have a few bucks to cover extra mileage to work and the inconvenience of being out of my home. I probably wouldn’t have done it nearly as often if there were no $$ at all. But I also was happy to make it very affordable so that I kept getting the gigs and had the pleasure of staying in the nicer homes, plus pet playmates. I also didn’t feel like I was being taken advantage of when plans changed or whatever. The places I enjoyed the most were the ones that stocked the fridge/bar with a few extras and told me to really make myself at home, including doing laundry, swimming, etc. I sometimes got souvenirs, esp. when the owner took a long holiday trip, which I also really appreciated. In my case, I preferred the cash to dinner, since I had very little time, really did have to pay for extra gas, and packing up was a minor inconvenience. So, this said, I’d consider circumstances like gas money if it is during the week, and then ask. If they say no need to pay even when you push back, go with the souvenir and dinner. If you are having someone do this regularly, you should ask the next time, and maybe even the time after that, too, rather than assuming. After that there should be clear expectations.

  23. Inconsiderate (ex)Boyfriend :

    This is for “Boyfriend TJ”. It’s been a month since we have gone separate ways and I know this is not the alpha male thing to do, but I need to get some thoughts out there so I can move on. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what if’s and how things could have been and if I made a mistake in ending our relationship. On March 4th I came down with major muscle spasms in my neck from my levator scapulae and surrounding muscles for which I took some medication to relieve the pain(still have the spasms and major pain to this day). That is the reason I fell asleep that fateful evening which started us on the path to the end of our relationship. You were very quick to call me inconsiderate for not setting an alarm or not prioritizing you. I now realize that it was you who was inconsiderate on that day and failed to find out why and then went as far as taking my simple explanation of the situation as becoming defensive. I really saw us going the distance and I know I put you though a lot of unfair and undue stress, however I did warn you from the very beginning that it wouldn’t be an easy journey being with me and that I will need help and assistance along the way. You readily agreed to be there for me and help, which you did a great job of. Our major problems began when I didn’t do something that you expected when your plans suddenly changed. I get that, I apologized and worked to make it better. When I messed up sending you contacts and feminine products through FedEx, I then overnighted you two extra sets of contacts to make sure I did the right thing. Not to mention all the times I cleaned your apartment so you didn’t have to worry about doing it and we could spend more time together. I was very supportive of your work and know it’s very stressful and was very understanding if you needed to do work on days we normally spent together. We really had something.

    I am glad you have moved on and are out dating and meeting new people and I really do wish for you find the right person, the person I couldn’t be. I hope that they can be good enough for you in the areas where I failed. I also thank you because you have helped me. You taught me that I could care for someone again and that someday I really do want a family and kids of my own. What you also taught me is that I can’t be rushed into making those decisions like I felt you were forcing me into. I was backed into a corner. I wasn’t ready to commit to kids and marriage like you wanted. That scared the crap out of me. I couldn’t lie to you and just go along with it so I quit. That has been a decision that has bothered and will continue doing so for a long time.

    We still work at the same office and will continue seeing each other in the hall from time to time. I hope that as time passes that we can become friendly again and our meetings in the hallway are slightly less awkward.

    Wishing you the best and all the happiness I couldn’t give!

    Inconsiderate (ex)Boyfriend

    P.S. Ladies, don’t hate on me for posting here. I found out who she was with some bad linking on her part and a little detective work, haha.

    • Inconsiderate ex-boyfriend, leaving aside all that is written here, don’t you think this is something that would be better off sent in an e-mail or perhaps snail mail even? I’m not sure a public forum like this (even an anonymous one) is really the place for the airing of grievances or mea culpas.

      Good luck with your future relationships though, and I guess try to learn from this one.

      • this. if anything, i think this public diatribe shows that you are as immature as you were described.

    • um, for reals. Keep the domestic squabbles to yourself; seems like you only did this to make yourself feel better.

      • Inconsiderate (ex)boyfriend :

        Yes. I do feel better. That and a little trollface.jpg haha. I dont care what you ladies say, but i posted this in the slim chance she.actually finds this and finds it as rude and disrepectful as i found when she did the same to me. Mainly.did it for.the lulz and feeling better. Afterall i only.need to care about me now :) Call me immature right now and i would be tempted to agree . Haha. You ladies are so much like the rh on the misc its so funny. This is srs bsns.

        • Well I(e)b, if memory serves, when your now ex-girlfriend posted anonymously on this blog, she was seeking advice on how to salvage your relationship and how to cope with the pain of its possible demise. Are you seeking such advice? No? Didn’t think so.

          Sorry that you felt “betrayed” or whatever that your gf discussed her relationship with you anonymously on the internet — I guess you can always now feel reassured that the end of your relationship is for the best. Maybe for the both of you. Srsly.

    • AnonInfinity :

      I find this post to be exceedingly curious. *cocks head and bites pipe*

      • Oh, me too! I wonder if there’s going to be a counterstrike. In real or virtual life. Please keep us updated!

      • Indubitably, AnonInfinity. Most curious.

    • Seattleite :

      Boyfriend TJ, you SO dodged a bullet.

    • Also: whatshouldwecallme dot tumblr dot com/post/20423128659/when-i-get-an-email-from-my-ex

      • or: whatshouldwecallme dot tumblr dot com/post/18982348996/when-your-bf-gf-gets-an-email-from-their-ex

        Way to dodge a bullet, Boyfriend TJ!! ^5 girl!

    • *head snaps up*

      or we’re being seriously NASA-advanced trolled here.

      • I call shenanigans. Way too many references to memes and Bravo programming to be a self-respecting guy. Although, if he’s real and actually posting here to get back at his ex, I may be taking liberty with the “self-respecting” description.

        • To be honest, I HOPE we’re being trolled. I’d have more faith in humanity that way.

        • Ada Doom Starkadder :

          Can we sic ELLEN on him? Between her gratuitous caps and extraneous ‘e’s, and his dropping vowels, I think we have a match made in heaven.

          He’s “learned” from his mistakes, so he should be better than that PHOOEY ALAN, right?

    • This is creepy.

  24. AnonInfinity :

    Is this the longest weekday thread ever?!?!?!?

    • I would think we could stretch to 600 just on the topic of the got guys from television shows. I mean, we’ve mostly focused on movie actors so far….

      • AnonInfinity :

        Such a great point.

        And what about the random beautiful men that I see running near the lake in my town every day? I feel like they deserve shout outs, too.

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