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Updated: May 15, 2019 331 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: V-Neck Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Ooh: we've seen notches in a neckline like this before, but I really like them here. It doesn't so much look like a “star” or “personality neckline,” as I sometimes call them, but just… notches in a V. I like. I wouldn't have thought puffed cap sleeves would go well with an interesting neckline, but the whole dress is working for me. It's $138 at Nordstrom, and in ivory at Amazon, Dillards (both on sale!) and Vince Camuto. Kors Crepe V-Neck Sheath Dress Looking for something similar? This best-selling Tahari dress is very similar, and the detail is available in a ton of options like blazers and  jumpsuits in a range of colors and sizes. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  

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Comments

    • Anon

      She’s stopped, and I wouldn’t expect a response to this either. She basically just does the minimal possible to make money off of this and otherwise doesn’t engage or put effort in at all.

      • Coach Laura

        That’s bogus. She posted at least one last week – I’m too lazy to look again but you can. She doesn’t always post a plus size (maybe not realistic) but often does. I’m not plus sized but I always look at the plus sized options because I’m cusp sized so I notice when it’s there.

  2. Anon

    My Macbook Air just went to repair. What’s your favorite budget laptop for work?

    • BB

      If you can use all your normal work apps on it, you could get a Chromebook. They are super cheap and you can get one that will basically become an Android tablet when you get your Macbook back. But obviously it has app limitations. If all you need to do is review other people’s docs and do some easy word processing, it’s good. If you’re doing complicated Excel sheets or PowerPoints, not good (unless your work will pay for you to buy the Office apps in Chrome OS).

      • NOLA

        Alternatively, you could do spreadsheets in Google Sheets and slides in Google Slides. But, we have Google Suite, so it makes a lot of sense to do it that way. Everything is portable.

    • Ellen

      Dad says get another MacBook Air, and that way, with 2, you can always “junk the old one for parts” afterward. Besides, all the software is compatible on a Mac with another Mac, which is NOT the case if you get a cheep Chrome book, which runs on Google Chrome or Window’s. He says you should stick with Apple, b/c they are reliable, and I agree! YAY!!

      BTW, Kat, this is a beautiful dress, but I can’t buy anything new this month b/c Dad is watching me! FOOEY!

    • Inspired by Hermione

      Honestly, my iPad. I very rarely need my computer. I have the pro with the keyboard and pencil. Love it. Use it way more than my MacBook.

      • HSAL

        I have both a MacBook Air and an iPad, neither of which I use very much (iPad when I travel, Macbook at home a few times a week). I’ve considered getting the larger size Pro with a keyboard/pencil to replace both of them. Is there anything that can’t be done with that setup?

        • AZCPA

          It really depends what you use them for. If its primarily consuming information (whether that’s Facebook or reviewing legal briefs) the iPad is great. If you are primarily creating work product, editing photos, playing non-tablet games, the iPad isn’t a great solution.

          I adore my Ipad pro with keyboard case, but don’t actually use the pencil. For everything I do that not work related, it is my equipment of choice.

        • Inspired By Hermione

          I actually find that creating things is better for me on the iPad- I find it less distracting to JUST have Word and research or whatever open, split screen.

          I don’t edit photos, so I can’t speak to that.

          I also can’t remote in to a federal government system that requires the CAC reader. So I have to have a computer for that. Printing is also kind of annoying since you have to have a wireless printer. At home I do, but at work I do not so I have to email it to myself to print.

          For what I do on a daily basis, the iPad is completely sufficient for me. I love that it’s light, the battery lasts forever, and I can just toss it in my bag and go.

      • RR

        Same. I have been using my iPad Pro with keyboard/pencil in place of a laptop–I can remote into my work desktop right from my iPad and interact with it just as with a laptop. I have found nothing I can’t do on my iPad that I would be able to do on a laptop. I have a work laptop, and I don’t take it out of the office really at all anymore–only exception being if I really want to set it with a second monitor because I haven’t figured out how to do that with my iPad (I think it can be done–I just haven’t looked into it).

  3. Peplum regret

    I got a printed blouse with a drawstring / elastic that creates a modest peplum effect. IDK what I tried it on with, but it wasn’t my normal workwear pants. With workwear pants, the drawstring elastic area creeps up to above my waist, so the thickness created by my pants waistband sits below it and it is . . . not a good look on a pear with a bit of a tummy.

    Do you think a good tailor (which I have) could get the elastic/drawstrings from its casing (there is a casing — yay!) and if I take the drawstring I can just treat as a normal blouse (maybe tunic, given the length, or tuck in)? The print obscures the casing, so if empty it would probably be ignorable.

    Or just donate? I love the print on the fabric.

    • Anon09

      Try with a pencil skirt. I have a wrap top where it only works well with skirts or specific pants. Or go to your tailor to ask about removing the elastic. If you’ve got a good tailor, then s/he will tell you whether your proposed alteration will work.
      These days donation is not much better than just sending it to the landfill yourself, so you might as well take a little time to see if you can make it work.

    • Anon

      I’m sure you could even take the elastic out yourself. Look for a side seam on the casing (on the inside of the shirt of course) and carefully snip a few threads of the seam. Then try to pull out the elastic. If it’s not sewn in anywhere it should come right out.

      • Anon

        (I should add that the elastic is probably sewn into a loop so you will have to cut the elastic band before pulling)

    • Anonymous

      Agree to try tucked in with a pencil skirt. Or if you’re going to give it away anyway, try to take it apart yourself.

  4. Anon

    I’m looking for a new travel scarf/ shawl /pashmina, that I can use as both for warmth on a flight but also can be worn as a shawl for a dress or a scarf with a light coat, and that preferably doesn’t get too wrinkled when thrown in a bag. Any thoughts?

    • Anon

      I like the Nordstrom tissue weight cardigan if you’re looking for a solid color. But I also like the Etro shawls for adding a bit of pattern. They’re expensive but my two Etro scarves are 4 years old and still going strong. I bought a black and white pattern for wearing with black-based outfits and a multicolored pattern with navy as the base for my navy-based outfits.

    • Anonymous

      On ebay, you can find Beck Sondergaard scarves that are wool/silk that are large and warm and stuff in a bag well.

      IDK why you can’t get them retail in the US, but ebay has worked for me.

      • Ribena (formerly Hermione)

        I was going to recommend this too! I have a huge one that I found in TK Maxx years ago (UK TJ Maxx) and I wear it constantly. The wool content means it works pretty well pulled up over my head as a hood when I get caught in the rain.

    • Housecounsel

      I am a fan of the BCBG cardigan wrap. I see a couple on sale right now.

  5. anonanon

    Idk if anyone else here reads Refinery29 money diaries, but mine got posted yesterday and I am blown away by how nice everyone is being :) It was from an insane work week and I worked hard on it, and it makes me happy it was selected. I don’t feel like I can tell anyone IRL about it though.

    • Abby

      I read yours! Girl, you are such a hard worker, I’m glad the comment section was so nice to you and I’m really impressed at your attitude towards work. You could very easily grumble about the long hours and weekend work, you should be proud of yourself!

    • Anon

      I just read it and the comments. If you don’t make OT you should be. If doesn’t sound like you have a lot of autonomy (and I wouldn’t expect a 24 year old to) so you should be classified as non-exempt. Lots of workplaces abuse exempt classification. They really cracked down on this at my prior workplace – a fortune 50 company you have definitely heard of.

      • anonanon

        I don’t get OT, but I work for a consulting firm (I think it came off as though I were in house at a law firm) so I actually don’t think I’m misclassified. I’ve done some research on the skills test for just this reason lol, and I think they can get away with calling me exempt.

    • Anon

      That’s so cool! I read MD every day. You have your life WAY more together than me and I’m 10 years older than you.

    • Anonymous

      What’s the Chinese restaurant y’all love?! I’m in DC and dying to know haha…

    • KW

      I read this too. Way to go! You are way more together than I was at your age ~ 15 years ago. Keep it up!

    • Katie

      Add me to the list of those impressed with your work ethic and positive attitude! I’m in DC (I think probably not far away) and will also have to check out City Lights.

    • Ribena (formerly Hermione)

      Add me to the list of people blown away by your work ethic. And you wonder why you’re physically exhausted!

      • anonanon

        Thank you! I was expecting a lot more blow back about my candy consumption but mostly everyone in the comments was just worried about how long I leave leftovers in the fridge :)

  6. Anon

    I ordered a mattress from Tuft & Needle several months ago and I thought it was okay at first, but now it just really feels too firm (I’ve tried every possible combination of toppers already). Are there any other mattresses you can order online that are not as firm? I like the model of ordering online and not dealing with mattress salesmen and I think the quality is generally pretty good as well. I just need something quite a bit softer than T&N, preferably with springs because I think foam style just doesn’t work for me. Ideas?

    • The original Scarlett

      I’d just go to macys or a department store and try them out – I have one of their hotel collection mattresses for our master, and love it. It’s not really a “mattress salesman situation” and you get to try the different options. Alternatively, I haven’t looked recently but at one point you could buy the Westin’s Heavenly Bed online. I opted to go to Macy’s for the same things but cheaper. (We have Tuft and Needle for guests – I find it fine for a weekend, but not every night).

      • anonshmanon

        Ikea also works for trying them out in store, but without mattress salespeople.

    • anon

      The memory foam (like the original temprepedic) is very squishy, not at all like the newer latex foam. Most of the bed-in-a-box brands we looked at last year were layers of both, but I don’t remember the brand you mention. Perhaps something with all or a lot more memory foam would work? They still don’t feel anything like traditional mattresses, though.

    • Ellen

      If you can’t return the mattress, then go to Bed Bath and Beyond to get the thickest mattress pad you can get, mabye 3-4 inches of foam. This will make the bed more luxuerous to sleep in. My mattress was fine until Sheketovits started using it as his trampoline, which would have been fine, except I was often underneathe, and it was not pleasent, even for the 1-2 minutes of acrobatics. So I bought a 4″ foam mattress pad and even though I got rid of him, I kept the pad, and I have no troubel falling a sleep, and am ready for the next guy, should anyone materialize. YAY!!

    • anon

      We got a Boll & Branch one in the fall, and are finding it to be a bit too soft for us – maybe it would work for you? (Wish we could trade!)

    • Anon

      Casper is generally the best choice after Tuft and Needle that I’ve seen and it comes at different hardnesses and price points.

      Casper also has “Try a mattress” stores in many major cities so you can go lay on a mattress and test it out without a sales pitch (store employees are non commission).

    • anon.

      I am *obsessed* with our Nest Bedding mattress. They have several soft mattresses. We have Alexander Signature. They even have a showroom in a few locations (we visited one on vacation and bought it after online).

    • Diana Barry

      We got one from Sleepy’s that has a memory foam topper, and that is just soft enough for us. IIRC we went to the store and told them not to bother us and that worked well.

    • Sunshine

      We have a Helix and love it. If you’re sleeping with a partner, you can customize both sides differently. I like softer mattresses and specified that on the questionnaire; husband likes more firm. We are both pleased with the Helix.

  7. Anon

    I’m trying to find something to wear to an upcoming wedding. It’s on the water in New England, so thinking low 70s/high 60s will be the temperature. There is no stated dress code. From what I know of these people, I’d probably describe it as cocktail attire. I’m struggling with finding options with my recent weight gain. Is this too casual — https://www.eloquii.com/jason-wu%2Feloquii-printed-ruffle-wrap-dress/12480470160020.html ? Assuming I’d wear strappy heels. I have a clutch similar to this that ideally I’d like to use – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071NJF3Q8?tag=amz-mkt-chr-us-20&ascsubtag=1ba00-01000-a0049-win10-other-nomod-us000-pcomp-feature-scomp-wm-5&ref=aa_scomp&noLL=1#Ask. If this is too casual, any suggestions? I’d really like it to have sleeves of some sort!

  8. Anonymous

    I really like this dress, but there are like two size options left in the navy. Not impressed.

  9. Anonymous

    Any ideas for a ~$75 graduation law school gift for my soon-to-be sister in law? She’ll be studying for the bar this summer and starting work at a firm in the fall. I just don’t have the bandwidth this week to think of a thoughtful/creative gift and my husband is not a great gift buyer, though I can send him out to get it. Graduation is Friday so I really need to be able to order it today for tomorrow delivery or get it in-person.

    • Anon

      Unless her parents paid for school or she had a full scholarship, she’s likely feeling pretty broke right now. I would just do a gift card. Her favorite coffee place is a good one, if you know it, otherwise Amazon/Target are pretty universal and she can use it to treat herself to something fun or for more basic household items if she’s trying to live on a budget.

    • westernisland

      My brother gave me a leather Lodis business card holder when I graduated from law school that I still use and it still looks brand new. I think they are around $50, so may couple with a nice bottle of wine or coffee/chocolate/other consumable to get through the misery of bar exam study life.

    • Ms B

      Nice business card case from Levenger (on-line) or Lodis (Nords) with a small gift card in it.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, please don’t get her a business card holder or portfolio. (a) I got like 6, including some free from the school and my new firm, so even the really nice ones were wasted. (b) She may not use them, esp. if she doesn’t have a firm job lined up. I would say gift card for a coffee shop or food available where she’s studying for the bar. Or, depending on the person, jewelry (but my answer to everything is jewelry). Or booze.

    • Skipper

      I always give graduates three bottles of champagne with a note that says one is to celebrate their graduation, one is to celebrate their new job, and one to celebrate their first big success in it.

    • Inspired By Hermione

      My aunt got me a very large Starbucks card as part of my graduation gift and it was EXCELLENT. Lasted me all the way until just before the bar and I was at Starbucks so.much. Just meant I didn’t have to budget for any of that. I appreciated it more than anything physical.

      I also agree with a small but meaningful piece of jewelry (I like earrings and they’re almost always under your budget for things that are delicate and not blingy), but would not get anyone a business card holder. I just toss some in my wallet or the pocket of my blazer and would feel like kind of a tool using a card holder. YMMV.

  11. Just do it

    A lot of my people are outraged over this on social media:
    https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/12/opinion/nike-maternity-leave.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share

    I don’t know how professional running sponsorships are, but I’m thinking that pro athletes are sort of like pro tennis players and golfers or real estate agents (or Lyft drivers): you get paid if you win tournaments or sell houses or drive. And like other 1099 workers, if you don’t work, you don’t get paid. Maybe the sponsorship $ is monthly if you are running (so maybe you miss some months of training and have to rebuild after a birth, esp. if complicated). But I don’t know how that is different from servers (most $ is from tips) or real estate agents or Lyft drivers (or people who work at small businesses like architect and solo practitioners).

    Is there a big smoking gun that I’m missing?

    As much as people rag on big companies, they can be much, much better places to be an average worker bee at (health insurance, 401K, maternity leaves, etc.).

    • Anon

      Yeah, it doesn’t bother me at all. They’ve made a choice to be in this very elite, unusual profession that can be very lucrative but doesn’t have a normal compensation structure. I’m all for paid maternity leave for regular office workers, but this seems very different and I don’t get the outrage. I have kids, fwiw.

      • Anonymous

        I have kids, too, and while I had “leave” I actually had to work during it b/c where I work is small and I’d rather not lose a client that I’d have to replace (and my salary is based on what I bring in). It wasn’t all the time, but I never got to unplug and routinely worked 20-40 hours a week from home.

    • Anon

      I think this is a bit of an overblown outrage. This isn’t a systemic issue like female athletes across a league grossly underpaid or terminated from their contracts when they get pregnant. These are completely voluntary, marketing centric, private contracts between parties with sophisticated lawyers negotiating for them. This is a contract negotiation issue rather than a pregnancy issue, especially if the contract reacts in a similar way if the athlete can no longer compete (broken leg, chronic injury, etc.)

      • Anon Runner

        The contracts don’t read in the same way for injury- most protect you during injury because to be frank, if you’re a pro marathon runner you are going to get injured- it’s a hazard of the job.

        The issue is that you can’t just go back to work as pro runner 6 weeks after giving birth like you technically could if you had a desk job (although I understand that would be miserable too)- to compete at their level you have to train for months to a year to even consider towing the line again.

        It also flies in the face of Nike’s ad campaigns saying they support women. These policies are most certainly not supportive of women.

        • Anon

          “It also flies in the face of Nike’s ad campaigns saying they support women. These policies are most certainly not supportive of women.”

          Yes, this most of all.

          The issue is that there’s so much relaxin in the system after giving birth that starting up athletics again is a fantastic way to get injured.

          • Anonymous

            Honestly, if Nike wanted to support women, it would just donate to Girls on the Run (perhaps they do) that is open to all girls, not just elite runners. Or Boys and Girls clubs.

            IDGAF what elite athletes do. I don’t think that elite athletes care at all about athletes like me, who have to manage our fitness on top of jobs and other responsibilities and pay for our running shoes.

      • Annnnon

        Most professional athlete contracts account for injuries and the athlete still gets paid by sponsors. Not forever, of course, but sponsors understand that injuries happen and any decent agent would never allow an athlete to enter into a contract without an accommodation for injuries. However, the sophistication of the athlete’s representatives varies greatly depending on $$$, sport, etc. Drew Rosenhaus isn’t representing any NAZ Elite runners lol

    • anon

      I used to work on these deals. It’s true that the big money is in winnings, but the gist of the article and what is the bread and butter of many professional athletes are the sponsorships. (The wins are similar to selling a house, but I’d say the similarities stop there as the physical toll of sports is a different level and I can’t think of a single professional non-team athlete that doesn’t have sponsorships – that’s how vital they are.) These pay out differently depending on a lot of factors — the biggest of which is the sport. It probably won’t surprise you that LPGA players are not paid nearly as much or with nearly as good of contract terms are PGA players. Track and Field also doesn’t have as many sponsors in the field as golf does, for example. Track and Field is pretty much limited to Nike and the likes and negotiating better terms beyond the boilerplate is tough. Many of the big sports agencies also don’t sponsor T&F to the degree that they sponsor golf, tennis, and the likes (again I’m trying to keep this to non-team athlete sponsorships). And in sports generally we don’t pay women like we pay men. Here’s the crux of the issue, though – golf and tennis and track sponsors DO anticipate time off for injury and most sponsors will pay at least something during that time although again there are factors that influence this — how good you are, who you are contracting with, and what sport it is. This article is getting at why pregnancy isn’t categorized like an injury as well as the double standard of women being celebrated by sponsors when it’s convenient and being ignored otherwise.

    • LAnon

      I don’t think this is totally outrageous but I do think it highlights some hypocrisy in that Nike wants to profit off of an image of being supportive to women athletes but doesn’t really back that up in reality.

      Regardless of the specifics of their contracts, I think any company should be the target of criticism if they promote one image in their advertising but don’t put their money where their mouth is. To me, the article reveals/confirms that Nike is just pandering to women to sell merchandise, which shouldn’t be a shock to anyone but I do think is worthwhile to highlight.

      I also think it’s worthwhile to highlight when companies (Patagonia comes to mind) have actual infrastructure and policies to back up their stated values. This article feels like it was trying to highlight an integrity issue, not a legal smoking gun.

      • thehungryaccountant

        +1 to this commentary. Things are a little hairy with Nike in particular because they have a contract with the US track association, so athletes have limited ability to seek out partnerships with other brands.

        There are plenty of female-centered fitness brands that I would rather support. Oiselle, in particular, has a great rapport with their elite athletes.

        “Some sponsors, such as Oiselle, are not only realistic about pregnancy, but also supportive of their athletes having families. She continues: “My sponsor, Oiselle, takes a much different approach than Nike for example. Oiselle doesn’t treat pregnancy as an injury or an indication of your lack of professionalism, and I didn’t have to worry about losing my job or being suspended if I wasn’t on the podium within a few months. They had a realistic view of pregnancy and recovery, and we had an open dialogue about how to make the time meaningful for both sides.”

        Though Fleshman admits that combining pregnancy and running can take an athlete out of their comfort zone, she notes that pregnancy is not a disability or a free ride. “Women are athletes. Women have babies. The peak timeline for these two things happen to overlap, so it’s going to keep happening—those pesky babies!” jokes Fleshman. “When pregnant, you may not be able to do your most favorite part of your job, which is compete on a high level, but there are plenty of other ways to contribute meaningfully. An athlete can’t do that if the company isn’t open to it.”
        (link to follow)

      • Anonymous

        In that case, maybe companies should just hire athletes and let them work 20/hours a week and then train the rest of the time. I think the athletes act like sponsorship = job and any instagram influencer can say that that just ain’t how this game works.

        I don’t know how much $ track and field athletes make, but might it be better to be a PE teacher / track coach (or elite track coach on the side)? Then you get health insurance, a retirement plan (pretty sure that retirement > maternity leave for financial needs you gotta model), maternity leave, and summers off. And you could coach on the side and still train.

        • Anonymous

          HAHA, is this a joke? There is literally no way an elite athlete can be a gym teacher. They have to travel to meets! And note that the article said Nike is paying these athletes in the low to mid five figures. Why not just fold in a reasonable time for maternity leave? After all, 50% of Nike’s customers are female!

  12. Anon Lady

    Hi all! I have a very important day coming up at work and am looking for a new suit for the occasion. Needs to be quite conservative (lawyer and its a court appearance), but would love if it had some tiny personality like a peplum, nice tailoring etc. I prefer skirt or dress suit to pants. I’d like to spend in the Hugo Boss range. Anyone seen anything good recently?

  13. Anon

    Those of you who work out 5-6 days a week, can you share the specifics of your schedule? How do you fit it in? And more importantly, what do you cut out—socializing, doing your hair, cooking your own food? Something has to go, right?

    I feel so much better when I work out that often. But I end up skipping workouts to get more sleep and average 3-4 intense workouts plus a recovery day of yoga or a long walk instead. Not bad, but I’d like to get back to 5-6 days a week so I need to make it happen.

    • BB

      I guess it depends on what you count as a work out. I do 15 minutes of cardio 5 days a week + 60 minutes of cardio and weights 1 day a week. If I have a light week, I might do 2-3 days of 60 minute workouts. I do the 15 minutes right after I get up in the morning before breakfast/work every weekday. I rest on Saturday and then I do the long workout on Sunday.

    • Anonymous

      Get a pixie cut. Make (your own) bedtime non-negotiable. Refuse to help kids with homework on weeknights.

    • NOLA

      I go to the gym every day but Wednesday, when I have a rehearsal and can’t fit in a workout after work. I go after work and I know that I can do more intense workouts in the morning, but I like to get to work early. I also find it a good mental break between work and home. I am at the gym for about an hour and a half. That means, if I can get there by about 5:30, I can often make it home at around 7. It’s tricky if I have anything social going on, but on weekends, I can get there earlier, or do less, if I have something else. When I have Sunday evening rehearsals, I go in gym clothes, straight from the gym, and nobody seems to mind. As for food, I eat mostly things that I can throw together after I shower. I’ll cook chicken and prep veggies on Sunday, then I can throw together a substantial salad when I get home. I find that, if I cook something more elaborate, I often don’t want to eat it when I get home tired from the gym. YMMV.

    • Anon

      I do, but my workload isn’t as intense as many of you and I have a pretty decent gym in my apt building. Home by 6, 6:30 most days (if I know i have a weeknight event or a long day of work, I’ll try to do it in the morning). Quick snack, workout from 7-8. Eat dinner afterwards. Shower, read, bed by 10-11. I’m probably moving next year and will have to eat a snack at work and work out on the way home. Saturday/Sunday I do a spin class (30-40 minutes).

      I don’t do much socializing during the week and meal prep and do the vast majority of my chores on Sundays so I have some downtime after work even with the workout.

    • Anonymous

      Two big things: (1) I basically never wear “real” clothes except to work, (2) every other day my workout is something that doesn’t require me to wash my hair most of the time (weight lifting, non-hot yoga). I save my cardio workouts (HIIT, hot yoga, spin) for days I know I have time to wash my hair. (If I could get a pixie cut I would, but it would look terrible on me)

    • Abby

      I don’t have kids, and from your post I’m assuming you don’t either. I meal prep on the weekends ideally so I don’t have to cook after working out, which would lead to eating dinner at 9 pm. I used to do crossfit, where every workout I was drenched in sweat and had to wash my hair. My job was more relaxed then, so I could leave it natural or in a ponytail if I didn’t have time to do it. Now I just lift, so I can get through a few days without needing to restyle. In the summer I plan on leaving my hair curly because the humidity isn’t worth fighting against. Socializing during the week usually doesn’t exist, but my friend group doesn’t really do anything during the week that I’m missing out anyway.
      I tell myself my goal is 5 days a week. 2 rest days are good for my body, and then I can move workout days around to fit events that come up.

    • Shopaholic

      I’m in the gym or at a spin class most mornings before work (at least 4 days a week) at 6:30/7ish.

      Depending on the mood/my week/when my favourite instructors are teaching, I try to go to another spin class Friday evenings and usually once or twice in the evening during the week. Double workouts on Saturday (so gym then spin), and another spin class or yoga class on Sunday.

      Doing this usually results in a minimum of 6 days a week. I meal prep on Sundays so don’t have to worry about that during the week. If I don’t go in the morning, I force myself to go in the evening so I usually go in the morning if I have plans that evening.

    • Anon

      FWIW, I would call your current schedule four to five days a week! I understand wanting to get more–sort of, to each her own, but I haven’t noticed lifestyle gains beyond four days a week–so to answer your actual question…

      Socializing tends to go for me, as does drying my hair. If I can’t keep a blow out nice for at least two day times, I’m not going to bother. As others mentioned, some workouts–even in Texas–let me keep a blow out with some dry shampoo. Intense cardio will ruin it from sweat but a lifting session won’t. Cooking actually stays because I cook so minimally and it’s faster/easier than take-out as long as I make it to the grocery store once a week.

    • Anonymous

      I run 3-4 times a week and lift 2-3 times a week. I cut out sleep (early riser to make time for working out) and keeping my house as clean as I’d like. Also commuting a long distance.

    • anon

      I work out 2 weekend days and my goal is 3 weekdays. I work typically a ~65 hour workweek, some weeks a few hours more, some weeks a few hours lower, so this is a commitment but I probably hit it 90% of weeks. I go in the morning, because I start at 9 but work late into the evenings (past when the gym is open, and well into the time that I just want to go to bed). I get up typically ~6 AM to get to the gym, which is in my building. Given my work hours, the only thing I’m giving up is sleep (it’s not like i’d have time to socialize or something otherwise and I never cook food because I’m getting dinner at the office); and I typically get ~7 hours a night. I have one “routine” workout that I can do without thinking which I prob do 1-2 times a week and otherwise I do the classes offered at my gym, so there is no thought process involved and i just have to work physically hard but not mentally to workout. I sleep in my gym clothes and pack everything the night before, so all I have to do is get up, grab my lunch from the fridge and throw it in my bag, and then go to the gym. I don’t blowdry my hair or wear makeup, and don’t feel like I would have a ton of extra time to do that if I did.

    • Ash

      I’m required to take a “lunch hour” at work, so I do a 20 minute HIIT workout in that time (the rest of the hour I use to shower/change/walk to and from the gym). Basically in effect it means I give up an hour of time with my kids, since if I could work an hour less rather than take the break, I would, but since that’s not an option for my job, I take advantage to fit in a workout. But I still probably only make it 3ish times a week.

    • IHHtown

      I think this is highly dependent on the type of workouts you like to do and requires you to be flexible.I schedule out my workouts at the beginning of the week to ensure five days of workouts. For me this means some form of decently intense workout and is usually a mix of dance cardio, spin, HIIT, weights, jogging, occasionally swimming. Because my workouts are often class dependent, I look at the time the classes are that fit into my schedule, I don’t schedule my week around the workouts. This results in alternating morning and evening workouts, so some mornings I can sleep in an extra hour and some evenings I can catch up on laundry, and I work out once or twice over the weekend at my leisure. The thing that keeps me sane is being within an hour of the same waking and bed time (wake up between 6 and 7 am and bedtime between 9:30 and 10:30 pm) no matter when I work out, and use that extra morning or evening time when I’m not working out wisely for food prep, socializing, cleaning, laundry, etc.

      The food I eat at home is prepared ahead of time or throw together type. For example I’ll cook on Saturday and eat that for a few days, then go buy a rotisserie chicken and a bag of salad and fancy dressing and eat salad with chicken for a few nights, or I’ll buy frozen pre-cut veggies, and, don’t judge me, pre-grilled chicken strips and throw that together in a stir fry of some sort. Breakfasts are grab and go – boiled eggs, cereal bar, cereal.

      You’ve got to make life as easy as you can to achieve this and if you miss a day or two, you’re still three workouts in for the week and should be proud.

    • Ribena (formerly Hermione)

      I go first thing, before work. I moved incredibly close to work, so the time I used to spend commuting I now spend in the gym (this isn’t the reason I moved there, but it’s a bonus. I used to have a 25-30 minute walk each way and it’s now 5 minutes, with my gym just 2 minutes the other way).

      I’m also physically tired by 9pm most nights and I barely watch any TV these days. I can’t cut out sleep because that’s the way to bad brain gremlins for me.

    • Anonymous

      I work out early in the morning, which means I need to be in bed at a reasonable hour to get enough sleep. I cut out social activities past 9 pm on weeknights. It was really sad at first, but frankly, if I’m out that late, it’s with my drinking buddy crew. I really don’t need that extra glass (or two) of wine – it disrupts my sleep and kills my weight maintenance efforts. I’ve been pleased with the improvement in my mood and energy level since I started investing in my sleep and exercise routine.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I ride 3-4 days a week (2-3 times during the week and 1-2 on weekends, assuming the rain doesn’t mess that up) and go to the gym 2-3 days a week (My ideal schedule would be 4 of each, but there’s only so much time). On riding days when it’s not winter, I leave work at 5 (which is early for me; I am usually at work until 6:30) and go straight to the barn. I eat when I get home, which is usually 8:15 (my barn is further from my house than I would like, but I don’t want to move barns for various reasons). If I didn’t manage to get to work early on those days, I work an hour or so from home in the evenings. On gym days, I either go right after work (usually if I’m trying to make a yoga class), or late, like 9 or 9:30. I batch cook on Sundays for something that is good for at least 3 days and husband usually cooks one day during the week, or I eat frozen stuff. I don’t do my hair because I’ve never done my hair. Unless I have a court appearance or something, it’s usually just in a ponytail. This schedule works because I don’t have kids and riding or working out is basically the only thing I do after work during the week. I don’t watch a lot of tv and my house rarely gets cleaned (husband and I just don’t put a high priority on a spotless house. We really need to hire a maid, tbh). In the winter, I have to ride before work for daylight and then I usually end up sacrificing sleep because I am a night owl and incapable of falling asleep before 11 or 12, it seems. Turning my phone off earlier at night so I don’t mindlessly scroll through instagram or twitter for half an hour has helped with that some.

    • Anon

      I am at the gym or riding my road bike basically every day, and I don’t cut anything out, but I’m also not a parent and I can work from home a good deal of the time. I either work out at lunchtime (45 minute spin class, 15 min RT drive time to gym, 30 mins to shower and heat up leftovers for lunch, and I can a client call during drive time and my 30 min regroup). Or, I workout right after work, around 5:30. I do a 45-1 hr class, home by 6:45, cook dinner, watch some TV or do household chores. I’m always in bed by 10/10:30 and getting 8 hours. I typically make one big recipe a week so I always have lunch sorted, and I always keep the stuff to throw together a quick mezze plate of hummus or another dip, veggies, pita chips, good deli turkey rolled up, and a couple slices of cheese. I also use my instant pot for batches of filler food – I always have steel cut oats and a batch of quinoa or rice in my fridge, and usually a batch of beans. I don’t feel like I give up socializing, because if I get a good offer for happy hour or dinner, I’m happy to schedule it in, preferably on the weekend or a day I workout at lunch. I love wine but don’t metabolize alcohol super well so I usually stick to one glass of something good or one great cocktail, and so I’ve started to have a preference meeting for coffee or grabbing lunch, which is also more workout friendly.

    • NYC Girl

      I work out 5-6 days per week and my schedule looks something like this:

      Monday 6:00-6:45am: Upper body weights Day 1, Optional 15 minutes HIIT
      Tuesday 6:00-6:45am: Lower body weights Day 1
      Wednesday 6:30-7:30am: off or 3-4 mile run
      Thursday 6:00-6:45am: Upper body weights Day 2, Optional 15 minutes HIIT
      Friday 6:00-6:45am: Lower body weights Day 2
      Friday 6:30-7:30pm: Spinning class, if no evening plans
      Saturday: 4-7 mile run
      Sunday: off

      I have a 30-minute commute from gym, so I have plenty of time to shower after gym and get to work by 9am. Getting up early leaves my evenings free to socialize, cook dinner (and pack my lunch for next day), do housework, relax and (if necessary) do any extra work-work leftover from the day. My lifting days I usually don’t get too sweaty (if I don’t do HIIT), so I can usually skip washing my hair those days.

    • anon

      The time of my life when I was working out that much was one in which I didn’t have a child or friends or a crazy commute.

    • ebennett

      I work out every weekday morning at home, for about thirty minutes. I do workouts on Youtube. I generally do three days of circuit training-style strength (so my heart rate is up and it counts as cardio) and two days of pure cardio, usually one HIIT workout and one lower in intensity. I also take a yoga class after work one day a week.

      I haven’t had to give anything substantial up for this workout schedule. I’ve cut down on mindless Internet scrolling before bed so that I can get to sleep earlier and get up early enough to exercise. I’ve cut down a little bit on my morning makeup. Two mornings a week I use dry shampoo, and on the mornings when I wash my hair I just blow it dry enough to not look sopping wet. However, my hair is straight and I live in a very warm climate, so YMMV.

    • Triangle Pose

      Honestly, it ends up being me at the gym lifting weights at 9:30pm on weeknights, after dinner, after taking the dog out, making and eating my dinner etc.

      To start: to make it 5-6 days a week, I know I have to work out each weekend day, no way around this for me. This usually means each Saturday and Sunday I go to 9:30am 75 minute hot yoga class followed by 20-30 minute weight lifting at the gym. I’m lucky in that my yoga studio and 24 hour gym are in the same building a block from my house so there is little excuse not to get my butt over there. Sometimes due to weekend plans (coffee date or friends brunch or a date or late socializing Friday night where I want to sleep in, etc.) I’ll go to earlier or later class, so 8:30AM or 11:00AM instead of 9:30AM but the point is I need to get it in both weekend days. Depending on weather, I’ll skip yoga and go for long bike ride or long run, but on those days I try to always lift weights at the gym (even 15-25 minutes) so I get strength training in as well as the other exercise.

      That leaves 3-4 weeknights where I also need to work out. This is the hardest part. I’ve never been a morning work-outer, I find I’m not as flexible or strong so I always workout at night. This means 1-2 days a week I rush out of work to make the 6PM 75 minute hot yoga class then go home to shower and make an easy dinner (these are nights I am either making easy dinner like miso soup with mushrooms made from bone broth carton and pre-cut mushrooms and miso block, reheating leftovers or searing a piece of meat and putting it on top of spinach or salad mix from a box).

      If I can’t make 6PM because of work, I go home, take my dog out, eat a snack (almonds, a piece of bread, honeycrisp apple something SUPER easy) then go to 7:30PM 60 minute hot yoga class. The other 2-3 nights I lift weights after I’ve made and eaten dinner. Like I said, this means I’m at the gym lifting weights on a weeknight at 8:30, 9PM, 9:30PM, 10PM etc. I don’t mind this, I always feel better when I’ve lifted heavy late at night, I sleep better, it’s like a treat to myself. There’s not much opportunity cost here, it’s not like I’d otherwise be with friends or socializing at this time of night on a weeknight.

      On weeks where I have a lot of networking events, work dinners (I’m a lawyer, former BigLaw, now in-house at a big tech company) or dates or socializing plans I either 1) skipping working out or 2) I don’t drink I only eat at the event and try to leave by 8PM and then go home and go to the gym to lift weights after.

    • double-bingo

      This is super late, but in case it’s helpful I wanted to share, since I regularly work out 6-7 days a week, and I actually don’t feel like I have given up anything you mentioned. The key is our home gym setup – we have an elliptical machine and weight bench in the basement. I get up at 6 AM every weekday to work out, so maybe you could say I’m giving up sleep, but I often wake up before my alarm. I do have a kid, but DH is responsible for getting up with her when her ok-to-wake clock goes on at 7. By then I am done or almost done with my workout, and I put away clean dishes and do other tidying while he starts the morning routine. I shower and do my hair (blow dry and run straightener over chin-length bob) while DH and DD eat breakfast, and then I take over the final push to get out the door. Weekends are more variable – DH sleeps in both days (the tradeoff for doing all weekday morning wakeups), so I often work out after he gets up around 10 (either in the basement or go for a run outside). Or I’ll work out during DD’s nap. I don’t think my workout routine interferes with my grooming routine or socializing. DH does 99% of the cooking, mostly through meal prep on weekends. I also feel MUCH better when I get a lot of exercise, so it’s something DH and I made a point to prioritize as we set up our post-kid lives. Also, morning workouts are the best for keeping the evening free for socializing/kid stuff/working late. Good luck!

  14. Work from home strategies

    For those who work from home full time, what activities/classes do you do during the day to get out of the house and feel part of society? I’m an extrovert and transitioning to a work from home job due to circumstances beyond my control right now.

    Has anyone found organizations/clubs that have lunch meetings? I know that Rotary Club does and I like that idea, any others? I’m not really an exercise class person (I prefer to work out on my own) but that’s another option. Other ideas?

    I’m moving to a new area so it’s not like I have a bunch of friends to have lunch with, although I’m hoping that will develop over time.

    • Housecounsel

      Does your profession require continuing education? My city has a lot of lunchtime CLE programs for credit. My kids’ activities force me out of the house, but CLEs are a good reason to get dressed like a grown-up and venture past a two-mile radius.

  15. a none

    Hi ladies. Getting back into dating after a very long dry spell and I have a date tonight with a guy I’ve been seeing and tonight might be the night we (euphemism of choice). I like him a lot, and I definitely want to, except… it’s been so long for me, not to mention that I’m quite inexperienced and haven’t had many gardening partners. Any words of advice or some pep talk as I’m feeling nervous about letting a stranger see me naked. TIA!

    • Anon

      Have a couple of drinks but not too many. He’s not a stranger and he doesn’t know how much experience you do or don’t have, and he’s probably just as nervous. In my experience, many men have trouble performing the first time with a new person because of the nerves. Focus on having fun!

      • Anon

        +1 he’s not a stranger and he’s probably just as nervous! Even if he’s not, I can assure you he’s so delighted to be gardening that he won’t notice any perceived imperfections in your body. Get it girl! Report back to us and let us know how it goes!

    • Anonymous

      In addition to having a few drinks to loosen yourself up, just remember that he’s going to be feeling lucky/happy about the circumstances and not judging you in the way you may be critiquing yourself!

      • Rainbow Hair

        Yes, this! If he’s worth a damn (and I gather you’ve concluded he is) he’s going to be *excited* that he’s [euphemism]ing with your beautiful self! Have fun, rock out, feel s*xy, enjoy! Do you have a “S*xy Getting Ready Song” per Crazy Ex GF? I find that dancing around in my skivvies while putting on makeup makes me feel like a million bucks.

    • Anon

      You can always wait a bit longer. I’m not shaming you, but you might be more e if you get to know him better.

      You can do less tonight and do more on a weekend, when you’ll have more time to relax.

      • Ellen

        I agree. Tonight is a work night, and I would never introduce a man to my body on a weeknight, b/c if it works out, we would be doing it for many hours, and how could either of us get up and go to work tomorrow? So I say if you do want to have s-x with him, do it on a Friday or Saturday night, at a neutral place like a Hyatt hotel, so that you can make a quick exit, if need be, or call down for room service, if need be. Also, when you leave, you can just go home, which is easier then haveing that schlub hang around your place after he has had s-x with you. Good luck, and make sure he is STD tested first. YAY!!!

    • Anon

      Don’t drink. Just take a deep breath when it’s time to take your clothes off and do it (assuming you still want to). It’s only a second where it feels awkward.

    • Anonymous

      FWIW, there are a lot of awkward convos to have first to make sure that if a baby were to be the result, how you all feel about that (and if that is not OK, how to avoid), not to mention all sorts of health status things one might have.

      So . . . discuss the awkwardness of this all that needs to be figured out and make a pact — just fool around (if you haven’t yet) and see how that feels. You’d know if gardening would be worth it by how good not-gardening is.

      • Anon

        Do people really discuss these things with every new gardening partner? I tend think I’m a bit of a prude in this area (have had fewer than 5 partners and they were all long-term BFs) but we never discussed what would happen if I got pregnant (ultimately, it’s my body, my choice, right? though I would certainly tell a long-term partner about a pregnancy). And I only asked for STD tests if the man said he wanted to stop using cond0ms.

        • Anonymous

          I did and I found that it weeded out a bunch of people who had a lot of stuff going on with them that they didn’t want to discuss (and just kick under the rug). Like the gardening went down at first but then the quality went way up. It’s a buzz kill, so I just come out and say “I don’t sleep with people that I don’t love.” And they a “but I think we can still have a lot of fun.”

          Plus, I am a regular blood donor, so I am not phased by asking a direct question.

        • Anon

          +1 Why go there with the awkward discussion(s)? I’m on (very effective) BC, it’s my body, and for a new partner, we’d also use a cond*m.

          • Anon But Upfront About It

            At least say this, right? The mantra I’d heard was… you’re going to be doing way more embarrassing things than just talking about it, so if talking about it with this person is too embarrassing, than why are you going to be doing that stuff?
            FWIW I am SO embarrassed by this kind of stuff, talking about it, doing it, whatever. I am SUCH a Charlotte.

          • Anonymous

            IDK — I had a pap come back funny and now I really, really care. If he can’t handle awkward, let me know now.

        • AnonLondon

          I’ve always asked about testing status, even with condom use, because condoms aren’t perfect and I’m not interested (or wasn’t before I was boring and married) in sleeping with someone who didn’t take his or her s*xual health seriously by being tested regularly.

      • Anon

        You absolutely do not need to have a serious conversation about abortion before having sex. Use a condom and you’ll be fine.

        • Anon

          Agree, no one discusses abortion before gardening. I do ask about ST* tests and status and their reaction alone can weed out a lot of people (i.e. getting angry, suggesting they are unclean, have not had one ever or since college). Use a condo* and have fun.

        • Anon

          This is crazy to me. If you are potentially going to be pregnant, shouldn’t you be on the same page about what to do, or at the very least have someone who supports whatever choice you make?

          • Anon

            Most birth control is really effective if used properly. Unless you’re going to be playing fast and lose with birth control (eg he’s hoping to not wear a condom and pull out, or something like that), pregnancy is a pretty remote possibility. We all take risks every day and don’t normally sit around analyzing them or discussing what we’d do in a worst case scenario. We cross the bridge when we come to it.

          • Never too many shoes...

            Not to be blunt, but why does it matter if you are on the same page? The pregnant person decides what to do about that pregnancy (well, not in Georgia or Alabama but whatever) – what her new sex partner thinks in the abstract is irrelevant.

          • Anon

            Because maybe she wants to keep the kid, doesn’t want to pay for the entire abortion herself, or wants him to go to the clinic with her?

  16. Anon

    I don’t understand how to dress myself. I have a bunch of great clothes, but somehow on an every day level it’s not coming together. I need advice on hair, makeup and wardrobe – something more holistic than just a selection of things to buy. How much would it cost to hire a wardrobe consultant/stylist in NYC? Any recommendations?

    • Anon

      I used to think I needed a what not to wear style interventions except that I didn’t want to be on TV, I wanted to pay for something like that. But then i realized the more I watched what not to wear and read blogs, I figured it out on my own.

      I’d suggest reading blogs and figuring out what you like. Then ask the blogger if she does style consultations – I think most of them do.

      • Anon

        That’s the thing though, I haven’t found any blogs that align with my style preferences and frankly I don’t want to spend that much time reading and thinking about this. I want to spend a few hours one weekend and then move on with my life and not think about this again for a few months. Ideally I would revisit a couple of times a year and that’s about it.

        • Anonymous

          I think this is your problem–that you are expecting that an appearance rehab can be accomplished with minimal time commitment. Most of the people that I know who look put-together spend quite a bit of time (and in some cases, money) on the process. Reading blogs is a big part of it. So is shopping more frequently, and trying on everything. Experimenting with new makeup or different hair products. Cleaning out your closet each season. Paying attention to what others are wearing, talking to your friends, sisters, co-workers about where they shop. Finding a great hairstylist. Getting your nails done regularly. There have been a number of posts on this site recently where others have complained about the amount of work that it takes to look put-together. It definitely does. I don’t know of any shortcuts here.

          • OP

            Yeah, I don’t need a full appearance rehab, just a bit of tweaking. Perhaps I was too harsh on myself in my first sentence. I’m not willing to make this my hobby, but I am willing to pay someone who loves to think about this stuff to help me out for a bit. I know this is a thing that exists for very HNW individuals, I just wonder if there is a lower/midrange version.

        • Anon

          I think you’re unlikely to just happen upon a professional stylist who “gets” your style if you can’t find any blogs that align with your style. You probably need to define and refine that before you proceed. How about an inspiration board of looks you do like (without specifically buying those products)

        • Anonymous

          I haven’t looked at a style blog in nearly a decade (this one doesn’t count IMO), and I’m no fan of following fashion people on insta, so I certainly don’t think they’re the end all. OP, what about catalogs/stores? Can you either collect paper images from catalogs or create a pinterest board of images from online? Pinterest will suggest other similar looks, so you can gather ideas there.

        • Hope this helps

          MissusSmartyPants is a good start for people who don’t know what is best for their look. I pay ~$50/year and every week get reminders of what looks best on my body type and picks from online stores. An extra one-time $10 or 20 gets a bit of color or shape analysis to help you out. It’s not the most trendy out there – very suburban mom, but that’s what I am and I feel comfortable taking the suggestions and doing the next steps myself, to bring it into the office or fancy looks or whatever.

        • Ribena (formerly Hermione)

          I started spending time on the female fashion advice reddit. There are lots of posters there who put together look books, and eventually I found one of those that was perfect for me – Indiana Jones’ granddaughter. Now I have that descriptor, shopping and styling is a lot easier.

          • Vicky Austin

            I love that – doesn’t Rainbow Hair have a “name your vibe and go from there” trick?

          • Ribena

            I’ve not heard of RainbowHair but it’s that same idea – once you can put a name on what you want it’s a lot easier

    • AnonLondon

      I used a stylist this year for the first time and it was 100% worth it. Not sure about NYC, but in London, I paid circa 550 GBP for two sessions, one wardrobe management/styling/consult and one personal shopping session. Between the two days, she helped me figure out what I should keep, what I should ditch, what I needed and how to put together pieces I wasn’t wearing right, pulled together a moodboard and list of items she recommended I look at and then pre-pulled enough outfits at Selfridges that I just had to show up and try everything on. This was my bonus present to myself and I’m not usually a person who likes shopping or “gets” fashion and I’d definitely recommended the custom experience if you can afford it.

    • Anon

      Seeing as you don’t want to spend much time on this, I suggest you lower your standards. You can’t be chic, put together and fashionable and also spend no time thinking about it. If you lower your to be low maintenance but also be a put together version of yourself, I suggest for the three big categories:
      Clothes: Get a personal shopper to go through your closet, throw stuff out, and add stuff to give you a capsule wardrobe with stand alone dresses, and pant/skirts/tops that all go together, minimal shoes, get them tailored to fit – that way no matter what you throw on it all looks intentional (this will limit your color choices and cuts drastically.
      Hair and nails: If you want an easy hairstyle, go get a short cut that works with your texture and go every few months to trim. Keep your nails short, filed, clear coat of polish you can do at home.
      Makeup: If you want easy makeup, go to a minimalist brand counter and get them to show you a three or four product five minute look.
      BUT – you can’t have high standards and low commitment unless you’re spending celebrity amounts of money to look good everyday, and you certainly can’t be fashionable without paying attention to fashion.

      • OP

        This is basically what I do now – uniforms for work and various non-work, 5 minute makeup, easy haircut. I just need help tweaking each of those things. Any recs for said personal shopper in NYC?

        • Silly Valley

          Bridgette Raes (dot com) is in NYC, I believe. I’ve never used her as a personal stylist, but I find her blog helpful.

    • Joan Holloway

      I love Beverly at ProjectBee. Super positive and “gets” her clients. I’ve watched her in action with several different women.

  17. Carrots

    I offered to set-up a meal train for a co-worker who’s not going to have much familial support when her baby comes this summer (she knows about it and is grateful, so it’s not a surprise for her). Does anyone have a website that they’ve used in the past that they liked for this? The one I was looking at most recently was takethemameal (dot) but was open to looking at other sites too.

    • nutella

      I didn’t set it up, but have been invited to mealtrain d0t c0m and found it easy to navigate and understand.

      • MomAnon4This

        Meal Train seems to be standard in my area (Atlanta). Also be sure to get her dietary preferences!

    • Belle Boyd

      We used meal train dot com to plan meals for my cousin and her family before she passed away and it worked out really well for us. We had a pretty large group that wanted to help (about 20 people.) The site was easy to navigate even for those who weren’t as computer-savvy as others, and it was easy for all of us to pick the dates we wanted to help. Like nutella, I didn’t set it up — somebody from her church did the work on that and even went as far to get ideas on favorite food/meal ideas for us, which was helpful when deciding what to make.

  18. Miss Kitty

    I found out yesterday that my mom is having major surgery on Friday. She will be at home/out of work for at least 6 weeks. She is a hard worker and I know she will go stir crazy. I live in a different state and while I plan to visit, I feel terrible that I don’t live in her city anymore. I’m putting together a care package for her; so far I’ve purchased skincare items, fuzzy socks, a large mug, and plan to get some magazines. Any other ideas? Mom-centric movies or books? She works so much that I don’t think she’s had time to finish a book or movie in quite some time.

    Also, I’m trying to figure out how I can get food delivered with the distance. My dad is…not a good cook. I know I can use food delivery apps but I’m wondering if there is something more reliable/can be ordered and confirmed well in advance.

    • Anon

      As far as entertainment goes, tablet with Netflix movies and series downloaded? Random courses on subjects she might like on Coursera or TED? TBH I had trouble concentrating on a book when I was in recovery, but could drift in and out of psychology lectures (Paul Bloom from Yale had a great one if I remember), lectures on Game Theory (also from Yale Open Courses), and some entertaining podcasts / TV series.

    • Anon

      Spoonful of Comfort may be a good option – my in-laws received one and really liked it.

    • Hazel

      For books, I’d recommend a Rosamund Pilcher novel — “Coming Home,” “September,” or “The Shell Seekers.” (My sister and I, both in our 30s, love these, so it’s not JUST a mom-centric book, but they’re great cosy British novels about families).

    • Coach Laura

      One of those big knitted throws from Nordstroms. Treasure and Bond Jersey Rope Throw. I’m getting one for my upcoming 8 hour infusions.

    • Anon

      If she doesn’t have one, an electric kettle and some fun teas? For food, search the interwebs for a prepared fresh or frozen meal delivery service in her city, see if you can order a couple week’s worth of meals. Books or audiobooks like Outlander and A Discovery of Witches.

  19. anon a mouse

    I am so upset about the Alabama abortion vote. It’s so punitive to women (rejecting a rape/incest exclusion because that will make it easier to go to the Supreme Court?!) and so patriarchal. I guess this is a natural result when your schools are so poor and many smart people flee the state, though. I have family still there and I just don’t want anything to do with the state, at all.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s where the road ends if one side has dug in hard on “legal in all circs, even third trimester.” I think both sides have gone to extremes and the entire middle ground has been eliminated. So when this goes to the SCT, one side will lose big.

      I am a cynic, but I think that this all about raising $ and voter turnout on both sides and it’s just a manipulation of actual people’s emotions. For every Kermit Gosnell, there is someone with 2 kids and a desperately-wanted third kid who gets a late in-utero diagnosis of something like acephaly. Handmaid’s Tale on one side and forced abortions in China. No one wins. [And I’m not sure it matters, IIRC, there aren’t even a lot of abortion providers in much of the country, especially outside of big cities, so this is largely a theoretical dispute.]

      I’m not sure that a politician could say Bill Clinton’s “safe, legal, and rare” these days.

        • Anonymous

          IIRC Roe/Casey say abortion until viability. In the 20? 30? years since Casey, a lot has changed w/r/t viability, so I think that a limit of 30 weeks might realistically be upheld.

          A friend had a baby at 20ish weeks who I thought would die because the baby was 2 pounds to survive and often then with major impairments).

          I think that medical advances make this legitimately hard.

      • Anon

        Huh? I think pretty much every Democrat thinks abortion should be safe, legal and rare. Tim Kaine definitely said that during the 2016 race. Pro-choice is not remotely the same thing as “pro-abortion.”

        • Anonymous

          I hear that only rarely now — now it’s so extreme that I wouldn’t want to publicly join those folks.

          * Probably colored by having had friends have a micro-premie, who where then shamed over the insurance resources their daughter consumed and the money that cost to let her live. It’s like that kid had no right to life at all.

          • Anon

            I mean, that particular phrase may have fallen out of favor somewhat, but I don’t know anyone among my hundreds of pro-choice friends and acquaintances who thinks abortion is a good thing or we should collectively have more abortions. Many Democrats are so supportive of Planned Parenthood and other places that educate and provide free birth control precisely because it reduces abortion, and similarly making access to first trimester abortions very easy for everyone reduces later term abortions.
            I’m sorry about your friend’s baby, that sounds horrific and I can’t imagine anyone I know saying a child doesn’t deserve the resources spent on her fight for life. I hope she is doing ok now.

          • Anonymous

            I think everyone on both sides moves to the extremes b/c they need to win their party’s primary. I think that is to blame. Do you really think that a pro-choice republican will win her primary? Or a Bob-Casey democrat? Or even a moderate?

          • Anonymous

            This is why I’m not a huge fan of primaries. They tend to weed out moderates that might have broader appeal in the general. I don’t know the solution, but I think it’s an issue. Gerrymandering hasn’t helped moderates, either.

          • Anonymous

            I wish we could go to a top vote getters primary – anyone who wants the job can put their name in and the candidates with the most votes advance. That’d stop people like Corey Stewart in VA from being on a major party’s ticket.

        • Monday

          For anyone interested, I recommend the book “Pro” by Katha Pollitt. It discusses the practical problems with the “safe, legal and rare” position, and might shed light on why some progressives don’t feel that is enough.

        • Anonymous

          I am interested in the specific thought process of someone who is pro choice, but not pro abortion. And, by “pro abortion” I don’t mean that you yourself would necessarily get one, but don’t you have to be supportive of that being a “choice” that a woman has available to her? Isn’t that one of the options when people say “a women’s right to chose”? If you’re pro choice and not pro abortion, what choices are you supporting? It sounds like I’m missing something, so if someone can fill in this gap, I would appreciate it.

          • Anon

            If you’re pro choice, you have to support every woman’s legal right to choose to get an abortion. It doesn’t mean you think abortion is a moral choice or a choice you would make for yourself, and it certainly isn’t in conflict with aiming to reduce the overall US abortion rate through increased access to s3x education, free birth control, better support for women who want to carry a pregnancy to term and put the baby up for adoption, etc. You can believe a woman has the RIGHT to make any choice, and still hope that we can work toward a country where fewer women make that choice.

          • Anon

            I’m pro choice but I do think abortions should be rare. By which I mean we should educate and provide as much birth control as we possibly can. I don’t think abortion should be anyone’s primary birth control method (not this is common but there are anecdotes about individuals) not for moral reasons but because it’s riskier to the woman than just using good birth control.

            I am also not pro abortion for myself. I would never be able to have one. But I realize that is partially a product of my privilege, that if I were to find myself unexpectedly pregnant, I’d be able to make room in my life for an support another child. However I realize that just because it is true for me, it doesn’t mean it’s true for other people, and that is none of my business.

            Lastly, as someone who had miscarriages of two very wanted babies, one on the late side, I feel the last thing I or another woman in that position need is the government investigating whether I miscarried intentionally or not. I needed a D&C to clear out remaining “products of conception” after each miscarriage – which was painful both physically and emotionally – and I can’t imagine my doctor needing to justify and ask for some sort of position to do what was needed. These sorts of things are and should remain between a woman’s doctor and herself.

            Lastly, even though I have mixed emotions about the issue, I would never ever want to align myself with people who want women to become mothers as some sort of punishment for having s3x, and do not give a rats ass about these precious lives once they’re born.

          • Anon

            I consider myself pro choice but not pro abortion. To me that label means I want abortion to be rare and if asked would counsel a friend against it. I support programs that support better sex education, access to birth control, better support for single mothers/poor families, foster care, easy adoption, etc. Basically I want the number of abortions to be lower, don’t believe that outlawing abortion is the way to accomplish that and at the end of the day think that the decision on whether to continue a pregnancy or have an abortion should ultimately reside with the woman and no one else.

      • anon a mouse

        What even is this. I’m talking about women in the state who will be harmed while someone hopes for consideration by the Supreme Court. Meanwhile the state is going to spend how much money on legal fees to push this, while the schools/roads/health care are terrible?

    • Anonymous

      I believe in full body autonomy, but I still can’t sell you my kidney. I can sell plasma though (but not blood). I can’t say that the world has gotten to a place where we have consistency on the body autonomy issue (to the point where I think of the parents who have a kid b/c it will be an organ or marrow match for a sick kid and then use the well kid . . . for parts). And even if I sign a DNR, usually they don’t honor those but talk to the family (and I have some who would dither and not pull the plug) to get consensus.

      OTOH, I can’t live in a house governed by a homeowners’ association. It’s like I want to reserve the right to paint my house purple, put up a fence, park a commercial vehicle in my driveway overnight, or plant whatever flowers or trees I prefer (or take them out). And that’s just rights to autonomy over property. Never mind my body.

    • anon

      Actual conversation on speaker phone last night –
      Mom: This is ridiculous. women in Alabama need to rally together and no guys get s*x until this is over.
      SO: That won’t work, when p**nhub blocks all IP addresses from Alabama that will result in change.

      • Anon

        Can we start a petition to actually have p*rn websites block IP addresses from states with antiabortion laws??? That’s genius

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1.
        Abortion is still legal in all 50 states, so keep your appointments if you have one, but also be aware that this exists for the future.

    • Anon

      Quick tangent. I haven’t wanted to google this. Why is there a distinction between rape and incest? Isn’t incest sexual relations with a family member? If non-consensual, isn’t that rape? Why do they make an exception for consensual sexual relations with a family member? If it doesn’t cover that, why do they need to say rape and incest?

      I’m all for abortions for everyone that wants them but if I had to argue on exceptions, I don’t think I would have thought of consensual incest (Cersei and Jaime Lannister style). If it’s because of the risk of birth defects, why isn’t the exception for all fetuses with birth defects?

      • Anonymous

        My guess is that by rape, the meaning intended is forced s*x that is a crime of violence, perhaps with a complete stranger. And perhaps statutory rape or where the adult is vulnerable / can’t legally consent. Roman Polanski-type scenarios.

        With incest, my guess is that given the emotional vulnerability, it is often treated as a per se abusive relationship and violation (often also with a minor, so criminal and wrong on many theories). Not so much for the bad genes / GOT scenarios.

        I think it’s all a red herring — even most anti-abortion people I know (I live in a very Catholic area and my inlaws are all Catholic) can choke down these exceptions. I guess the strident people say that people will like to get an abortion if you allow exceptions and on the other side some want to limits at all (like no third trimester abortions, no past-30-weeks abortions).

        • Anonymous

          Again, I don’t think you have read Roe and Casey. They don’t say “no limits.”

    • Worry about yourself

      I’m upset about it too, I’m upset about all these ultra-restrictive bans. It’s easy for me to be complacent when I live in a very liberal state, where my reproductive rights are and probably always will be safe, but I have to think of the women who will suffer under this law.

      I want to say, first and foremost, I’ve supported late-term abortions because they generally only occur when the woman’s health is in danger or the baby isn’t going to survive. Denying women the option to end their pregnancies under those circumstances puts women and their partners in heart-wrenching situations.

      Second, I’ve been pro-choice since I was 13 years old, I’ve always believed the option should be on the table, but I know that dealing with an unplanned pregnancy can be tough, and getting an abortion isn’t fun, and I wish states would do more to reduce the need for abortion rather than put restrictions on who can get one and when/why. There’s so much that people who dislike abortion and claim to value life can be doing right now. They could be passing gun laws to reduce the number of mass shootings. They could be passing laws to protect maternal health, since maternal mortality is a huge problem in these conservative states (especially for women of color). They could be protecting people of color from unnecessary police brutality and gun violence. They could be advocating for the migrant children locked in cages. They should be addressing those issues before they start regulating what women can do with their bodies.

      • Anonymous

        I am philosophically pro-choice, but I could not participate in a late-term abortion (as a health care provider). My sister is a neonatologist and I have seen her work with babies smaller than those that would be aborted. I couldn’t do it. I get that it is a choice, but until it is DIY, I think the viability window has shifted so that many people I know are squeamish about fetuses that look like babies (and may measure larger than some NICU occupants) and smaller (even if still viable) embryos that are only a few weeks along.

        To me, advances in medicine make the slippery slope very slippery in the third trimester.

        • Anon

          I always think this is a bit of a red herring. The vast vast majority of abortions (like 98%) are not late term. And the vast vast majority of women having late term abortions are having them in response to devastating news about the viability of the fetus and often used IVF to get pregnant. I’m sure the religious right could dig up someone who had an abortion just because in the third trimester but that’s incredibly rare.

          Signed NICU/micro preemie (barely 2 pounder) mom

          • Anonymous

            Thank you, this is exactly right. Why I also hate when people say things like “20 weeks sounds like a good compromise.” No, it’s not. Also would like to point out that like 4 doctors in the country perform “late term” abortions (I think there were 5 or 6 at one point, but one was murdered back in ’09). There’s not exactly a flood of third trimester abortions happening, despite Trump’s absurd fearmongering.

        • Anonymous

          this exactly – because where are all of these people (I am sure some of them are around) to support post-natal care, mandatory maternity leave, access to quality affordable daycare, etc.?

    • Anonymous

      This is a probably dumb question that I can’t ask anyone in real life: what’s the pro-life stance on “reductions” following fertility treatments and destroying frozen embryos and/or keeping frozen embryos indefinitely? I have heard little outrage about this.

      Cynically, it seems like there is little concern about those “lives” because the situation doesn’t offer an opportunity to force pregnancy, birth and motherhood on women. However, given that women “struggling with fertility” seem to occupy more privileged status with the pro-life crowd than women seeking to terminate unwanted pregnancies, I kind of wonder if there’s an opportunity for compassion there.

  20. Chronic sinusitis

    Has anyone had a really bad sinus infection that got better? Mine hasn’t responded to a bunch of antibiotics. I’m doing a saline wash (2 packets of the mix) + a steriod now and it has loosened up the gunk. Maybe a few more weeks?

    I had one prior sinus infection that was acute — very painful — but it resolved and that was a decade ago.

    Hoping that my body rallies and fights this off (otherwise, it looks like the surgery is not pleasant (and from reddit: not always successful)).

    • Anon

      Antibiotics are usually not the right solution with sinus infections (cue my rant on how they’re over-prescribed and we’re now facing down the barrel of really, really scary resistant bacteria). The steroid and saline wash is a great combo – I’d add in a NSAID such as naproxen or ibuprofen which can help with swollen passages (I once had a sinus infection that made my teeth hurt). The real key you might want to try is an antihistamine. Your sinuses may be reacting to a seasonal allergen and it won’t hurt to see if that helps alleviate.

      • AnonZ

        Just want to chime in with a note on antibiotic resistance…

        Yes, overprescribing of antibiotics has contributed to resistance but a lot of it has stemmed from constant and widespread use in agriculture (just giving all animals prophylactic antibiotics, partially necessitated by poor hygienic conditions and partially by convenience), as well as a lack of further research by drug companies. Antibiotics don’t make very much money because they typically don’t treat chronic conditions – lots more money to be made by developing a new hypertension drug that someone will take every day for 20 years, than by an antibiotic that is used very occasionally for a week or two.

        I mention this only because I think there is a perception, much like with environmental measures, that we should all feel bad as individuals for our choices, when the reality is that those play a relatively minor role compared to the damage done by large corporate choices.

        • Anonymous

          This. Prophylactic antibiotics to farm animals are a much bigger problem than an individual trying to beat a sinus infection.

        • Anon

          Antibiotic use in agriculture is part of the issue, but it’s not necessarily accurate (or scientifically proven) to give more weight to it, when scaling the causes of bacteria resistance, than overprescription in humans . I work very closely with an infectious disease specialist who’s renowned for her research in this area, and she bristles every time there is a reference to agriculture being the leading cause of AMR.

          I agree that our individual choices pale in comparison to large-scale or systemic issues at play (e.g., deficit of hospital policies on antibiotic stewardship policies or availability of OTC antibiotics in many areas of the world), but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t make informed healthcare choices. Patients who question an antibiotic Rx or don’t demand one can influence that provider’s prescribing behavior.

  21. stuck and reporting back

    Is anyone here an interior designer/decorator or ever thought about pursuing that? I wrote here a couple months ago about feeling stuck in my in-house job and considering quitting law altogether or quitting working until I knew what I wanted to do next. (Further jog the memory- we are entering the baby years and finances are not a concern.) On a p0dcast, I heard someone say something about looking at the bl0gs you read constantly as inspiration for what interests you and I realized that for me that’s interior design (with a side of jewelry and cooking, ha!) If you work in that field, have considered it, or know someone who has pursued interior design/decorating (or even staging as another thought was real estate agent or staging), I’d love to hear from you!

    • Calico

      I fell into staging as a side hustle by accident. When my boyfriend sold his bungalow I had styled, the real estate agent started hiring me to stage her properties. I had an absolute blast scouring vintage markets and thrift stores for furniture I would rework. The money was ok but not great considering all the time I spent shopping. Clients mostly had to be talked into using my services and were only happy later once their condo got multiples. I reached a place where I needed to scale up in terms of storage, a moving truck, insurance, marketing etc and just didn’t feel the cost justified it. I’m not cut out to be a small business owner.

      I started working more as a decorator because my staging clients wanted to hire me to design their new homes, eventually leading to full blown renovations. Sometimes I’d get lucky and have a client I really clicked with in terms of design. But most people just wanted hand holding and basically permission to do what they already were going to do. This was less fun because I’d technically have “designed” a place but I could never use the photos for my portfolio because I disliked things the client insisted on. Basically, this is a client-focused job except that you’re literally in a person’s home making it that much more personal and tricky to navigate. I still have people reach out to me from time to time but I decline. For me it’s definitely a case of this is great as a personal hobby but not for a career.

      I can’t speak to working in commercial design firms. I know that many schools churn out interior design students with certificates every year. I looked into one but didn’t enjoy the work enough to pursue it. I’ve noticed that many people on here recommend those companies that offer e-design. Just a warning that those companies pay around $15 an hour. (Homepolish likely pays more but you have to have a degree to even be considered.)

      • Equestrian attorney

        A friend of mine left her government policy job to go into design. She works for a large design firm doing office design (which I understand is where the money is, mostly). She loves it and is compensated well now but she had to start from the bottom (barely paid internship) and I think she lucked into this position through a contact. She also works a lot but seems very happy.

    • Anonymous

      My sister-in-law has a degree in interior design. What I have learned is that it’s significantly harder to be an interior designer as opposed to a decorator because designers deal more with structural issues and sometimes need licensing depending on the state. She works really more as a decorator and doesn’t make a whole lot, but I think a large part of that is she lives in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere without a ton of opportunities. But I would say do some reading in the difference between the two and investigate if your state has any licensing requirements for interior designers.

      • Anonymous

        This. Interior designers and decorators are not one and the same. I wouldn’t make any kind of jump before completely understanding the differences in the professions.

    • FP

      My mom is an interior decorator. She got into it many years ago after doing custom window treatments for a friend who had her own decorating business. She sort of worked part time for that friend while I was growing up, and then got a full time job at a local large furniture store as an in-house decorator. Essentially, she helps people pick custom fabrics and accessories within the store. Her college degree is in Home Economics which probably doesn’t help you at all. The above poster is right that an interior decorator is more geared towards coordination/style/fabrics, and an interior designer is geared toward the actual room design, outlet placement, etc.

    • Anon architect

      I’m an architect and have done interiors (including furniture, fabric, paint, art, etc) for residential and commercial clients. It can be a lot of fun to make something really beautiful, for sure! But I’d also say that it is definitely a service profession – think carefully about who your clients would be. Clients who needed full services were typically working on homes that were $4 million and up.

      You deal with a lot of client personalities, do a LOT of shopping, and have to be good at logistics (when does the fabric need to be ordered in order for the couch to be upholstered to meet our deadline?), in addition to the fun design bits. But the fun design bits are definitely fun, I loved working with craftsmen on pieces, and it is great to see work result in a physical place rather than in stacks of memos. As you keep looking into it, keep thinking about the business model that would allow you to do your best creative work.

  22. Suit Help

    Hi all! I have a very important day coming up at work and am looking for a new suit for the occasion. Needs to be quite conservative (lawyer and its a court appearance), but would love if it had some tiny personality like a peplum, nice tailoring etc. I prefer skirt or dress suit to pants. I’d like to spend in the Hugo Boss range. Anyone seen anything good recently?

  23. Anon

    A huge THANK YOU to Kat for the recent post on favorite apps. She mentioned iTrackBites, where you can get old versions of WW.

    I lost 30 lbs on Points Plus in 2013, and it was the perfect program for me – it clicked for me and my body and the weight just fell off. Life happens, and I gained that 30 lbs back recently, and I’ve tried the current WW program to no avail. Only with diligence and perfect adherence could I get the scale to grudgingly move. I had figured this was getting older and this was my new permanent weight.

    But Kat’s post inspired me to download iTrackBites and give it a whirl. I’ve been using it for three weeks now and I’m down 5.6 lbs, even with weekend traveling that makes it hard to be perfect. ITB calls Points Plus “carb conscious” if anyone else wants to use it. Thanks so much for sharing, Kat!

  24. Sailing

    Any recs or advice for sailing lessons or experiences in the DC area? I would like to get my husband sailing for Father’s Day this year, and I have no idea where to start or what to look for . His father used to sail when he were in elementary school and my husband hasn’t really been sailing since, but he has a huge amount of nostalgia about it- especially since his parents passed away recently. I don’t think he would become a serious hobbyist or anything, I just would like to get him the chance him do something different and outdoors and without the kids.

      • Anon

        No, it’s more important to know whether there’s an 18-month-old AND a four-year-old aboard. God that mom was awesome.

      • Ribena (formerly Hermione)

        I know this is a reference to the comments before, but I wanted to share – I recently found an old family photo of me, a few months old, in a life vest and baby carrier, tied down to the deck of a yacht my parents’ friend owned. Very responsible parenting… for its time!

        • Anon

          My mom owns a sailboat (that makes us sound rich and fancy – we’re not, we just lived in Maine where it’s way more common to have a boat) and there are definitely photos of me on it as an infant (life jacket and all). We’re going to take my 18 month old out this summer.

        • Anon

          I have one of those pictures too and I’m not even wearing a life jacket, just a harness to strap me to the boat. So glad my parents didn’t stay home from a beautiful day of sailing just because I was so young and probably annoying to deal with. I know my relatives (the owners of the boat) were delighted that day.

    • Casper

      Yes, Annapolis is your best bet for sailing in the DC area. There are a lot of places that do lessons: Eastport Yacht Club, Annapolis Sailing School, a bunch of others. The sailing school even has a groupon right now

      • Mrs. Jones

        Years ago my family spent several days on a boat with Annapolis Sailing School, and it was great.

    • Flats Only

      If you want to splurge look into the Inn at Perry Cabin in St. Michaels. They have sailing and it’s a nice fancy place for an adult getaway.

    • Sailing Club Alum

      sailing in DC can be challenging and fun! You don’t have to travel to Annapolis for it.

      I sailed in college and you have several options on the Potomac.

      Sailing Club of Washington is one and DCSail.org could be a good resource

  25. Anonymous

    Those of you who are afternoon/evening people, do you have any tips for being more functional at work in the morning?

    I am pretty dang useless until at least 1 pm. I mean, I’m here, I’m doing things, but I’m not clicking until after lunch. My peak performance time actually starts around 5 pm…which is fine for some things, but not all. It’ll take me ages longer to do something in the morning than it would in the late afternoon, when I can crank it out in minutes.

    • Tessa Karlov

      What’s worked for me in the past (I’m VERY much a night owl, I’d work from 2-10 if I could) is just getting up earlier than I really need to (like I get up at 6 even though I could get up at 7:30 and still be at work on time). I take the time to listen to a podcast, make an actually healthy breakfast, and of course drink lots of coffee! I think I’m slowly training myself to be a morning person at this point :)

    • Anonia

      One of those lights that mimics the sunrise is key for me in the winter. Bright light will always eventually bother me enough to wake up and make me like it’s time to get up. Keep it bright as long as you can while getting ready. Play loud/fast music in the mornings. Lists of easy to knock off tasks make mornings easier too.

  26. kk

    Has anyone tried the faster way to fat loss method? I’m feeling susceptible to influencers this morning, and they all look like they’ve had success- but I haven’t seen any real reviews by people who aren’t trying to monetize their blogs/instagrams.

    • Anon

      Isn’t it literally just intermittent fasting? Don’t buy into the faster way to fat loss method because it’s a waste of money. Intermittent fasting does work, but you absolutely don’t need to buy a program to do it. There are great online resources and books (pay attention to advice written by doctors, registered dietitians, especially with respect to women because there is evidence that women’s hormones and metabolism respond differently to intermittent fasting – and the general advice is to fast for shorter periods, like 14/10 or 12/12).

      • Biggestballsintheroom

        This. I’ve lost 70 lbs with fasting combined with a lower carb diet. Skip the programs and check out The Obesity Code by Jason Fung (he also has a great blog at his Intensive Dietary Management site). Also, Gin Stephens’ book Delay, Don’t Deny. Honestly, most of the info is available for free and you’ll have to figure out what works for you. Fasting has been an absolute life changer for me.

    • Katie

      I don’t know any normal people who’ve done it – just one friend who is a “coach” (which makes me think this is basically an MLM, as she’s no athlete or trainer), though I don’t think she’s actually coaching anyone. All I know is it’s some sort of intermittent fasting and weight lifting program, and I don’t think it’s something you really need to pay for unless perhaps you need the accountability.

    • anon

      I haven’t done this particular method, but I have tried a variety of types of fasting- with excellent success. I went from deep into the overweight BMI to a healthy weight in under a year. I don’t think you need to purchase any kind of packet to learn if fasting is for you!

      I’d recommend checking out resources on fastday .com (they’re free). As well as checking in with your GP about your health/wellness while fasting. Good luck :)

    • Anonymous

      I am following someone on instagram who is doing it and as far as I can tell, it’s intermittent fasting and keto/low carb together with weight lifting. I don’t think paying for a “program” to do that would be necessary.

    • Anon

      There’s no magic method that doesn’t ultimately boil down to consume fewer calories than you expend. CICO

    • Anon

      Diets don’t work and fasting is just a fancy way to say starving yourself. Disordered eating isn’t going to help you lose. Why go through all that when it won’t even work?

    • Kat G

      I did two cycles of FWTFL because there was a lot of stuff in there that I wanted to learn more about (IF, carb cycling, macro counting, etc). Stuff I didn’t like: 1) she immediately proclaims that you’re ALSO going to be gluten free for the entire program. So all of that messaging about “you can still have your donuts!” is not true. (Literally the t-shirts say “somewhere between a donut and a fast day.) 2) when you’re not doing low carb you’re supposed to be getting 50% of your macros from carbs. For me this was a HUGE amount — I was trying to eat an entire acorn squash plus a ton of veggies and it just was not working out well. Just really felt bizarre to be forcing myself to eat — especially in the limited food window we had. Oh and 3) around week 5 or 6 she starts incorporating 24-hour fasts, of course with juices that she’s selling… I just am not interested in a 24-hour fast at this point in my life.

      Stuff I really liked about the program:
      – the workouts were great – lots of weights — but the cardio days were tough to do without a proper Tabata timer or gym machines a lot of the time. The program does expect you to have 20-50 minutes daily for exercise.
      – it was a great introduction to a lot of the stuff I wanted to learn more about — IF, carb cycling, macros — but ultimately raised more Qs than answers for me in terms of what my body needs in terms of proper eating.
      – her energy is great, the FB group is great.

      So I didn’t “do” the program as she had laid it out — and I didn’t see huge results. If you’re ok to do gluten free (she basically says if it comes from the earth or has a mother you’re OK to eat it) and 24-hour fasts and then to eat a huge quantity of carbs then go for it. I might try it again after some busy weeks coming up ahead because I probably need to try gluten free anyway, but. Yeah.

    • Elbe

      I used Noom for 2 months. I lost the weight that I wanted to lose and have developed new habits that will keep it off. I still use their free calorie and exercise tracking.

  27. Tips for insomnia

    I may be a bit late, but what are your best tips for insomnia? I’m resorting to Dr. G00gle and seeing a specialist/getting tested in a few weeks but would appreciate any advice I can implement on my own until then. I’m having trouble falling asleep until 1-2 am (usually takes me1 hour – 1 hour 30 mins to fall asleep before then, which isn’t unusal) and waking up around 6-6 30 am most days and unable to go back to sleep in the morning (this is unusual for me), and it’s beem going on for several months. I usually need 8-9 hours to function properly. No snoring or restless leg issue AFAIK (although will be getting screened fr this at the overnight sleep test), I don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and I do yoga 3x/week and meditation with Headspace based on the recommendations here.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      If your problem includes being unable to stop thinking and stressing, try listening to a quiet podcast while trying to fall asleep – I sometimes use Sleep with Me, which is for this exact purpose. A guy telling long, rambling stories in a soothing monotone to distract you to sleep.

    • anon a mouse

      If it takes you 90 minutes to fall asleep, go to bed 90 minutes before you want to be asleep. If you are waking up at 6, then you might need to be in bed by 9 pm to give yourself time to wind down and be ready to sleep.

      Eat well before you want to go to bed. No phone use in bed. Blue light disruption is real. Read a book or listen to music. Get a sleep mask if that will help cue your body to be ready to sleep. Melatonin may help as well.

    • Trazodone

      Take 30-60 minutes before you want to go to sleep, get in bed with a book, and boom, sleepytime. No side effects, cheap, and it works. I used to take up to an hour to fall asleep, and could never get back to sleep if I woke in the night. Talk to your primary care doc to see if you can try it out.

    • ebennett

      Have you tried melatonin? I found the Trader Joe’s brand to work better than others.

    • NotYourLawyer

      A weighted blanket and a white noise machine have worked for me. I also tried melatonin for a while, but that just left me feeling drowsy the next morning.

    • Anon

      Weed. It’s legal in my state and I buy gummies (in an Indica strain) to help me sleep.

    • Anonymous

      I use combos of OTC remedies. Extra Strong Sleepytime Tea (Valerian Root + Chamomile Tea). Benadryl + a glass of wine (yes this is not an ideal healthy solution, but neither is operating on no-sleep). Supplement mixes (5 – HTP, Valerian Root, Melatonin, Magnesium) . Yoga for relaxation. Mediation for Sleep Youtube Videos. Herbal Sleep . Nothing really works, but I try.

  28. Couples therapy?

    Cross-posting from moms site.

    Spouse just started individual therapy and has suggested couples therapy. I agree that we need it but am terrified that once we’ve aired all our grievances we will be worse off than we are now. Perhaps things have to get worse before they can get better. Does anyone have success stories to share?

    • Anon

      I can only comment on my experience, but we did it and it made things better, not worse even temporarily.

      Alone we were getting into the same fights in different forms over and over again to the point where there were certain topics we could barely discuss bc we could already predict what the other’s (not constructive) response and counter argument would be. Therapy allowed us to discuss these things in a more calm environment, be allowed to totally finish our thoughts, be prompted to think about why the other thinks that on a deeper level etc. Helped us see the other’s viewpoint.

      Also, since obviously you can’t bring up every nit picky fight in therapy, it was interesting to hear what the spouse would choose to bring up as what he wanted to focus on. Like, “wow, I didn’t realize this was THAT big of a deal to them over all other things, and maybe now that I know that I will be better about being more sensitive about this one thing even though it requires compromise I don’t love…” that type of thing. (I assume he had a similar thoughts to my things, and I would say that has been shown in behavior since).

      Good luck!

  29. Anonymous

    This came up in conversation yesterday — is there such a thing as TOO much saving? We’re talking a late 30s professional who makes somewhere in the 170-185k range. Maxes out the 401k to 19k etc. and then on top of that aspires to (and most months does) save another 50% of net. This is in DC — so not as HCOL as NYC/SF but not exactly a small secondary market either. Normally I’d say, whatever makes you happy and this friend SWEARS that early retirement in her 50s will make her happy (i.e. THEN I’ll live, THEN I’ll be happy). Got me thinking whether it’s “worth it” to aspire to something similar (though maybe not as extreme); we’re both single/no kids so it’s doable in a way where it wouldn’t be with college/daycare costs etc. She tells me she doesn’t feel deprived at all and she doesn’t appear to be — lives in a nice condo in Arlington; no roommates; eats out all the time because she doesn’t cook; and says she spends about $500/year on clothes shopping almost all of it in Nov-Dec when prices are good; hair cuts at like a Hair Cuttery type of place for $15 a few times a year; no make up. She NEVER travels. Like in the 15 years we’ve known each other, I think she’s gone on 2 vacations and it’s because her parents insisted on a family vacation.

    Part of me is like — it isn’t a bad life. But part of me is like, shouldn’t there be SOME budget for vacations, fun etc. Her view is — I’ll go when I’m age 50+. My view is — sure but at 39 I already feel older/slower than say 29, am I really going to WANT to travel a TON at 59? And even if I did, when you know you’ve retired and are on fixed income starting at age 50, are you really going to feel ok splurging on trips here and there? What do people think?

    • Anon

      Not your circus, not your monkeys. Of course most people don’t save this much, and there’s no need to, but if it makes her happy, who are you to judge? Maybe having money in the bank gives her more joy and fulfillment than vacations. Everyone has different goals.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not judging her (and if it sounds that way I didn’t mean to). I’m trying to figure out whether I could/should do something similar.

        • anon

          It sounds like hanging out with her makes you feel badly about your spending. Just be confident that whatever you decide for yourself is right for you.

    • Anonymous

      What does she intend to do when she retires in her early 50s? If she just wants to not work (which, let’s be honest, would make me pretty happy), I think this is a perfectly fine approach. If she does want to travel or do something particularly active, I’d be terrified that I’d develop some sort of health limitations that might prevent me from traveling later in life and would try to balance savings and vacations now. But that’s just me. I could see it either way.

    • Cat

      Personally, that extreme of saving is not for me — not to be morbid but who’s to say you’ll see age 50? BUT I think this is her business, not yours.

    • Anon

      We’re all different so there’s not a lifestyle that fits all. You live your life and let her live her. If she doesn’t mind not traveling now, then that’s all that matters. She’s not imposing her life choices on you.

    • anon

      I don’t think there is- it’s a personal choice on how you want to live. I live in a major east coast city, 29, make $160k and save ~50% of my gross pay not counting my 401k, which I max out. I travel, do fun, things, and generally feel like I live very comfortably. As my income keeps rising, I don’t plan to change my lifestyle.

    • Senior Attorney

      Haha, yes. If you want to travel a ton at 39, you’re really going to want to travel a ton at 59.

      But I see your point about the fixed income. I’m 60 and my husband is 71, and we’re both still working because we like to spend a lot of money on travel (among other things) and it feels better to us to do that with current income instead of drawing down the retirement accounts.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Your friend has a goal, a plan to get there, the means to achieve it, and from what you say the discipline to carry it through. More power to her.

      If she were cheaping out and expecting you to foot the bill for every social event you do together that would be a problem, but you don’t mention that so I assume it is not happening.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like your friend is into the FIRE (financial independent/early retirement) thing, which I am as well though not as “extreme.” After maxing out 401ks etc, my aim is to save 25-40% month of the remaining net, not 50%+. It’s down to 25-40% because sometimes there’s an opportunity to take a 3 day trip to Vegas or it’s not after black Friday and I find some clothing I want to spend $70 on or I simply want that $3 bakery cookie even though I know a bag of chips ahoy or similar probably costs around $3-4 and you get like 50 cookies instead of 1. I feel like if I had to forego all of those things all the time, I’d get annoyed (and it happened when I first started down this road) because I simply would think — what do I work so hard for if I can’t even buy a jacket or a cookie when I want to?? If you’re interested in going down this road (and I am happy to be on it — more for the mental security of FI and no longer having to worry the same way re layoffs etc. though I hope to retire a touch early too), I’d suggest you max out your retirement vehicles to the IRS max and then with the net that’s left — aim to save something like 20% to start. You can work your way up if you get raises and don’t change your lifestyle, have certain months where you just didn’t have any big plans etc. If you start at 50% or more on day 1, unless you are REALLY high income in DC, chances are you’ll get annoyed with the whole thing and quit.

  30. Anonymous

    The dating post above reminded me of a question I wanted to ask you all. I just went on a 4th date with a guy – he had me over to his house for dinner. I figured gardening would happen but I didn’t bring a condom because I figured he would have one. Well he didn’t and he seemed surprised that I would insist on it. He said he would respect my wishes, it’s my body after all, but my request is unusual because no one uses condoms anymore, no one likes condoms, he believes in science not putting a bag on it (??), and he’s pretty good at gardening but it’s going to be bad with me because he’s working with a handicap. These comments were kind of sprinkled throughout the evening, not said all at once in some kind of unhinged rant like it sounds here, fwiw! I said I always use them at least until I’m in a committed monogamous relationship, and I think most people I know do the same. He insisted that no one uses condoms now, I’m just old. Well I’m seeing like 3 other guys and they’ve never given me a hard time about condom use. I guess they’re all old too (one is younger than him).

    I haven’t experienced this kind of pushback since I was a teenager. I’m in my mid-30s and he’s 30, is this a new thing with kids these days? He wants to see me again (despite the fact that the gardening will apparently be bad) but I’m not sure I want to. Then again, if this is a generational difference, maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt? He seemed so feminist and generally woke until now.

      • Monday

        +1. You should not be litigating whether your boundaries are valid on a 4th date. Even if everything he said was true, this is disrespectful and pressuring. If nothing else, THAT makes for bad s3x! He’d also be a terrible boyfriend, if you’re looking for that at any point.

      • Anon

        +1 aside from this being ridiculous, this is a warning sign of what I imagine are a bunch of future red flags.

    • Worry about yourself

      No one uses condoms anymore? What world is he living in?? Anyone who’s not completely monogamous should be using condoms to prevent STI’s. Don’t waste your time with people who don’t give a fork about your health or safety.

      • Anonymous

        My husband is so catholic that he wouldn’t consider a v and is happy to put a bag on it. Bad s*x is apparently better than none.

    • anon

      WTH. He’s crazy. What does “he believes in science, not putting a bag on it” even mean?

      • Monday

        Yeah that particular comment is pretty rich. First of all, even “science” has its limitations. Secondly, I bet he’d be saying something pretty different if the “science” involved had a disproportionate impact on his body rather than hers.

      • OP

        I honestly don’t know what that comment was intended to convey. One of the first things he said was, we live in the future where everyone has an IUD! But he also mentioned that no one uses condoms because you can just take pills if you get HIV. The obvious absurdities aside, I wasn’t going to argue either point. It’s just not open for discussion and I didn’t want to make it seem otherwise. I kept saying, ok but I still use condoms every time and maybe we can revisit if we’re ever monogamous.

        • Anon

          Yeah, that’s ridiculous. HIV is no longer the death sentence it was a decade or two ago but it’s still an incredibly serious illness that has a huge stigma and is very expensive to treat. Friends have an HIV+ daughter (adopted) and I’m sure they could give him an earful in response to “oh you can just take pills if you get HIV.” This guy sounds like a complete doofus.

        • Worry about yourself

          Whaaa? First of all no, not everyone has an IUD, some of us don’t want that. I’m on birth control, which is pretty solid, but I’d still want condoms until I’ve been monogamous with someone long enough to ensure we’re both clean and wouldn’t give each other anything. As for HIV, he’s an idiot if he thinks you just take pills and everything is hunky dory, those pills make it possible to live with HIV but you still have the virus!

          And I just can’t get over the “putting a bag on it” comment. Are condoms baggy on him? Does he have a lap pinkie or just problems getting hard?

          • BabyAssociate

            “Lap pinkie” love it. Thank you, will definitely be using this.

        • Ash

          You can just take pills if you get HIV??? WTF? This is psychotic. Don’t see him again.

        • Anon

          OMG I can’t even with the HIV comment

          Seriously tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out

    • AZCPA

      Run away. Even the first comment was over the top, but he keep it up (no pun intended) all evening? Ugh – he doesn’t actually respect you, and would make a terrible partner.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yeah a lot of men seem to be all feminist and generally woke until it comes to actually putting any of it into practice.

      DTMFA for reals!

      • Anonymous

        +1 They’re feminist and woke AF, until they actually have to change their behavior.

    • Anonymous

      Boy bye. And for reference, my DH and I use condoms all the time while waiting for his snip appointment. When birth control was discussed on the moms page a while back there were a number of other people who said they use condoms too. They’ve come a long way in teh last 20 years.

      • Anon

        Yep, married mom here who has been using condoms for 15+ years with one short break to conceive our first child. After we have a second child, husband’s getting snipped. If husband were to pass away or we got divorced, I’d absolutely insist on condoms with any new partner, even if he’d been snipped.

      • anon

        Same. We used condoms for probably … 6+ years of our marriage. BC didn’t agree with me, and I didn’t want an IUD for a variety of reasons.

    • Anon

      HAHAHAHAHA.

      Sorry, was that blunt?

      This routine works on (many, not all) younger women. He’s 30, so he probably gets away with it a lot. It’s a power play, designed to make you feel all sad and bad because of your boundaries.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      LOL. He’s a manipulative jerk. I would have gotten up and left (and have in a similar situation) because that is not cool, brah.

    • anon

      Eeeeeewwww no, he needs to get his unbagged peen away from you! No thanks, bro.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      Chiming in to join the DTMFA chorus.
      Also, having re-entered the dating pool in the last six months (for the first time in ten years), I confronted no hesitation from new gardening partners when I insisted on condom use. This is a him issue, not an everyone thing.

    • Anonymous

      I’d be out of there AND tell him why. Not that it’ll change his behavior because clearly his pressure is working on some subset of women because if he wasn’t getting any, he’d use the BC without whining. But let him know there’s at least 1 woman out there who doesn’t think he’s soooooo fine that she’d jeopardize her health. How does he even know he’s clean? Or is this where science takes over — if I give you something, so what they make meds for that? Can you imagine how many he’s slept with and what he could be carrying . . . shudder.

    • Shopaholic

      Ya that’s 100% not true. As a single person who has been dating casually for the last few years, I’ve basically only had that reaction once. Everyone else suggests it and either comes prepared or with regular casual partners, asks if I’m stocked up.

  31. 5 Minute Makeup

    Thanks for everyone’s suggestions about a 5 minute makeup routine to look awake. I worked out a simple combination over the weekend, and it has been sustainable and 4-5 minutes so far. I’m using CC cream, concealer, blush, eyebrow gel, mascara, and a neutral eyeshadow crayon to highlight. If I have a few more minutes, I add top eyeliner.

    I’m glad people pointed out bottom eyeliner isn’t a thing anymore. I googled and saw some with and without pics, and I tried it myself over the weekend. Top only is definitely more modern! I’m kind of shocked I never got the memo…

  32. Julie Cantor-Weinberg

    Uggh. Kat often does post plus size options, which is great, but also please note options for those of us who are a misses size 0 or 2. I loved this dress in Navy, but I’m a size 2 and there wasn’t a 2 option.

    On another issue, I recently went to Nordstrom’s to try to find a suit & the only ones they had were from Hugo Boss, which were beautiful but too pricey for my budget.

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