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Weekend Open Thread

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Sales of note for 4/18/25 (Happy Easter if you celebrate!):

  • Nordstrom – New spring markdowns, savings of up to 50%!
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off + extra 15% off your entire purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 40% off all sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 20% off orders over $125
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale, take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Final few – Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

413 Comments

      1. Okay. I’m not on tumblr, but I just checked yours. I just wanted to post that I totally agree with you about Zoey Deschanel. She just bugs me.

          1. I have purchased some of Kanye’s jewelry (and didn’t know it was Kanye until after) as it was just on a click-through ad from Corporette. It is AMAZING and I get tons of compliments…dresses up and down. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Geegaws and Gimcracks on Etsy. Huge fan.

            Love, MJ!

    3. sweetestpiglet . Mostly I’m just there for panda pictures and gifs from Parks & Rec. I love me some Jean-Ralphio!

    4. Mine is jenheartsnyc. Guess I just outed my first name. Its mostly pictures of NYC I’ve taken along with some quotes. I haven’t posted anything in a month, but I have a ton of new photos to post once this project with insane hours is over. Excited to check all yours out!

  2. Last time, I promise. Reminder to SF Bay Area Corporettes – meet up tomorrow (Saturday, 9/24) at Reposado in Palo Alto at 1pm. Info with karenpadi at hotmail dot com.

    The real dilemma is what the heck am I going to wear to a Corporette meetup :)?!

    1. I’m looking forward to it! Should I just look for the group of appropriately dressed women at the bar?

    1. I really wish I could attend this Bay Area meet-up, but sadly I will be out of town. Please recap on this thread how it went and whether you scheduled another! Also, I can do anywhere in the bay on the weekend, but I prefer the East Bay to anywhere else in the world ;-)

      2. Ack! Bummed to miss it. Looking forward to the recaps and the next one… Second the vote for East Bay. Or SF.

  4. I just posted this in the Frugal Friday thread, but too late to get sympathy responses, so. How to Make the Knowledge Manager Want to Die, in Three Easy Steps:

    1. Spend 3000 euros in a database over a two week period on two projects that can’t afford it.

    2. Wait and watch her get screamed at/lectured by supervisor and has to organize emergency training when you’ve already gone through it twice.

    3. Make her Friday with a 4500 euro expenditure in the same database, thus positioning an anvil over her head, because who’s the project manager on this one? Oh, right. Her supervisor.

    Seriously, with the amount of overexpenditure there’s been this year I could wipe out a third of my student loans.

      1. Basically the thing is that databases – think Westlaw, LexisNexis – cost money. The average Big Law firm is going to have what we call a site license for these; this means that the KM or library budget pays a flat rate (a substantial one) and you can use it as much as possible. However, if you’re in a smaller company, you can’t afford that. So you buy a certain amount of access.

        In this particular database, this particular consultant has spent 8000 euros out of the 20000 we purchased for the year.

    2. I don’t have this one, but I totally know the feeling, when someone else’s carlessness meaning me catching hell is the worst.

    3. Probably not helping now – but, we’ve actually set it up so that the only ones who can search in all of the more expensive databases that we subscribe to, are a couple of the qualified librarians. It does tend to give them a bit more work, but given that the company saves on database fees, it’s deemed to be worth it.

      Plus, it gives an easier way to allot costs of the search. We know who’s requesting it, and can follow up with their leader for expenditures.

  5. Wow — happy that this is not a threadjack!

    Several posts back, a small thread talked about ADHD and how some of you have gotten diagnosed and been prescribed medication. At least one of you talked about how much better things were after being on the medication, and I was wondering if that person or anyone else could expand upon their experience — namely, the difference between what life was like before medication and now, during medication.

    I am very curious, as sometimes I think I exhibit classic symptoms. But then I second-guess myself, b/c I am much better with more sleep and a better diet, so then I think it might be those things. TIA!

    1. This is a question for your medical or psychiatric professional. Meds are not the only option, and you shouldn’t bother freaking yourself out before you really talk to someone about what your symptoms actually, medically, indicate.

      1. No, of course I realize that! I just was interested in hearing from people how their lives are different now, specifically, with treatment.

        1. I will give a dissenting view on meds. I tried Strattera a couple of times and while it made me able to fiercely concentrate on the most boring things ever (like practice etudes- I could literally play scales for 8 hrs straight)
          it gave me chills on my scalp and the creepiest feelings. Really, vigorous running would have accomplished the same thing without the hideous side effects. So I gave up the idea of medicating my ADD brain.

          Ducks for pelting hail of med-happy poster opprobrium ;)

    2. well, the thing about ADD is that we are overly sensitive to changes in sleep patterns and diet, so responding to those could actually be confirming that you have an ADD brain rather than contradicting it.

      I stopped medicating after college, but I did really well on Adderall when I did medicate.

      Let me see if I can explain this briefly. Basically I naturally have two speeds: 1) being distracted by everything around me/changing focus every second as my brain is reminded of random things constantly or 2) hyperfocus on one task and getting totally absorbed till I think it’s awesome, while completely losing track of time.

      When I am doing something I really love, like my last job where I was running an organization I created, I was usually in hyperfocus mode, and got all my work done and did it all very well. When I am doing something I am not excited about, or something I don’t think I am very good at, I can’t stay on one train of thought for 5 seconds. Seriously, it’s like my brain is a hummingbird.

      Medication (one that worked for me and in the right dose) would make me feel less distracted, and would make it much less of an effort to just finish one task at a time, like keep working on one paper and get it to some kind of completion point. Would prevent my brain from taking off on tangents constantly.

      However, later in life I did find that if I managed my sleep/diet better, and was working on things I was good at, I was able to work without the meds. So, those two things are not mutually exclusive at all. And actually, my doctor used to encourage me to not take the Adderall every day, but just use it when I felt like I needed the extra help.

      Now, some of the other medications did give me side-effects, so it was definitely about trying different ones and doses until it was right for me.

      And, I agree with Hel-lo, there are many other ways to manage ADD tendencies, so it’s good to have a good doctor who helps you learn how your brain works in different situations, and figure out solutions, rather than thinking meds are the only option.

      And that’s just my experience, which is probably different from others who discovered their symptoms/diagnosis later in life. But i wanted to weigh in.

    3. Sorry for the long post:

      I am probably the poster you were thinking of that had just started trying meds. I agree with the general comments that people have made, that if you are able to regulate your exercise/diet/sleep patterns, or are in a job you love and can focus on all the time, then you can probably regulate ADD well enough to function without meds. I would also add that one reason I think I was diagnosed pretty late in life (I’m in my 30s) is that, if you work in a job where you can compensate, you’re probably fine. My problem is that, while I’ve always had trouble focusing (my brain is definitely a hummingbird, too), it’s not till the last few years that I found myself in a job where I just can’t compensate. I’m also in a job that simply doesn’t allow me to get regular sleep or exercise (which is a whole other problem), which may be how I was controlling things before. So, after reading someone else’s familiar symptoms, I decided to get checked out and try medication. I’m usually very opposed to medication as a solution, but I was just out of options.

      The medication route is working very well for me. The best way for me to describe the difference is that there has always been a constant level of shiny static in my head that makes me flit from thought to thought. I am almost incapable of focusing on what someone is saying unless I’m taking notes — it just slides out of my mind. I also have trouble reading (especially on a computer screen), or concentrating on tasks (especially non-urgent or uninteresting ones), or prioritizing things. Adderall — and I think I’m on the lowest possible dose right now — just quiets the static, makes it possible for me to stay focused. I’m not hyper-focused, except maybe for an hour or so right after I take it in the mornings, but I can stay on things and get them done. The only side effect I’ve had is a little bit of nausea in the mornings, sort of like what you get if you drink too much coffee without eating breakfast, but I can usually avoid that by eating. Oh, and I think I must be dehydrated a lot more. I haven’t noticed anything else — no change in appetite, no change in personality, no difficulty sleeping. I know others’ experiences have been different.

      So that’s me. I don’t necessarily recommend one way or another that you take meds — talk to your doctor about that, and don’t be afraid to be vocal if you try them and they aren’t working. Hope this helps!

      1. “constant level of shiny static in my head that makes me flit from thought to thought.” ack, that’s such a great description, AFT! said it much better than me, thanks!

      2. “I’m also in a job that simply doesn’t allow me to get regular sleep or exercise (which is a whole other problem), which may be how I was controlling things before.”

        I gotta say, I am happy the meds are working for you and I agree adult ADD is a real problem that can warrant medication in certain cases. But, similar to when I have had friends who needed antidepressants to stay in a job, when keeping your job is only possible through taking drugs because it makes the rest of your life intolerable/unmanageable, I think you need to find a new job.

        1. Believe me, you are talking to the choir. I’m not in a place where I can leave just yet, both because my escape pod isn’t quite ready and because leaving in the next few months would really screw over a lot of people who will be stuck on the projects I leave behind with impending deadlines. But you’ve articulated perfectly the decision I came to as well.

    4. I think I’m the ADD poster A.F.T. refers to. I agree exactly with what the others said. I have trouble just getting crap done. I can’t get started, I can’t focus. I will sit at my desk and surf the net or stare out into space instead of just doing it – even if I find it interesting. In high school, I just didn’t do assignments I wasn’t interested in. In college I picked all interesting classes and enjoyed my work so that made it easier to get it done. Also, I get super anxious in situations where I just have to sit still – planes, long car rides, dentist office, even massages! On meds, I can just relax in those situations. I had a spa treatment today and enjoyed it and was able to focus on relaxing instead of constanty “what’s this, what’s that, what is she doing now, how long have I been here, when can I leave, ugh she is still on my leg, I want her to do my arm, etc.” Granted, that was all in my head, but exhausting. If that was me in a spa, imagine it in the bedroom!

      Anyway, I agree there are lots of side effects to meds. I had problems on 20 mg fo Vyvanse, the smallest they make. I was switched to 5 of adderral, what a toddler would take until they were convinced I wouldn’t have the side effects. Now I’m up to 10 and I find it is the perfect amount, though it does wear off after 8 hours. If I am working a super long day I can take a regular (not extended release) 5 mg to push through the rest. Without it, I waste two hours online and leave without the work done instead of just working dilligently.

      1. Thank you all very much for responding — I was beginning to think that I had ventured into “don’t-ask-that-question” territory. Let me just say upfront that with my initial question I was really not looking for someone to convince me to take meds or not. I was just really interested in seeing how people felt post-medication and what that experience was. For someone who possibly has a condition might really not know what “normal” is. From the responses, it seems possible that I may indeed have some kind of ADD or ADHD… but I’m not sure it is major enough to even see a dr. about, since my diet and sleep make whatever I have or am much better focused and relaxed in general. I am definitely in favor of coping without even trying medication, if I possibly can.

        Someone a few weeks ago said something about hyperfocusing when surfing the Internet, but got absolutely nothing done otherwise, and that really struck a chord with me. Luckily, as A.F.T. said, I do have a job where I can compensate — I go through longish periods of not getting more than the minimum done, and then get a lot done in spurts, when I have the mental energy.

        Thanks again for the information — what a great community we have here!

        1. “I’m not sure it is major enough to even see a dr. about”

          If you are considering medication, then it’s major enough to see a doctor about. If you think you have symptoms, then it’s probably major enough to see a doctor about.

          The doctor can help you figure out which sleep/diet/exercise non-medication options can work for you. They won’t necessarily prescribe meds as a first option.

          I still suggest seeing a doctor.

  6. I love wearing fun socks under my boots. I have a friend who thinks I’m crazy for doing so. But who’s going to see what’s on your feet when you’re wearing boots. Yay for fun socks!

    2. Same! I love fun socks when wearing boots, esp cutesy cartoon ones. They were all the rage when I was in middle school, and I’ve been hooked on the trend (though now secretly under professional boots ;] ) ever since. For low boots, I recently saw some fun ankle/’no-show’ socks in the racetrack at Forever 21. 99 cents a pair!

    4. Sometimes I buy a bunch of pairs and then mix and match out of the laundry basket, so I’ll have on socks of equal weight and height but wildly different colors. It’s the little things…

  7. Last week I cashed in my Living Social deal for $60 worth of Land’s End Canvas goods and bought this: http://tinyurl.com/44s8uop

    It’s gorgeous and fits perfectly. I’m planning on wearing it with The Skirt, which I ordered in red.

    Oh, and regarding the Boston Corporette Meet-up. It looks like October 20th is the date. Any ideas on where we should go and what time we should meet?

    1. Somewhere with affordable parking for all of us driving in. Late enough that we have time to drive in after work. 7? 8? I’m guessing most of us work until at least 6.

      2. If we go w/ Elephant and Castle there is cheap parking at 33 Arch Street. Google map it or something though because there are a ton of weird one ways right there and it is easy to miss it. There are plenty of other garages around but I think that one is the cheapest. If you turn left as you come out of the elevators you will see the back door to Elephant and Castle.

    4. Count me in! Easy parking will be fabu b/c I will probably be coming up from Providence.

  8. My dear Corporettes,

    The past couple of weeks have been SO much fun. But lo, the High Holidays season approacheth and this year I have a real job that I can’t afford to procrastinate on. It’s time to say goodbye to you all for a month or so. In fact, I’d been thinking of changing monikers for sometime now, and this is as good a time as any to do so. When I return, it probably won’t be as Little Lurker.

    Corporette helped me get a job, build a work wardrobe, navigate grown-up networking, bounce back after a dramatic breakup (which I didn’t post about when it happened), and lots of little things that even I don’t recognize come from you lot. My close friends are sick of me quoting this community all the time, even when they realize that the advice is amazing. It’s going to be super rough to spend this time apart.

    Kat, I was initially worried when you said you were going to do this full-time. I’ve seen a bunch of other fashion bloggers fail or struggle financially or simply get boring. I shouldn’t have doubted you — you’re amazing! Mazal Tov to you and all the Griffins on baby Jack. He’s got such an amazing mama.

    I was really touched when other commenters started adopting my silly points system, which I totally didn’t invent. If you like it, please use it in my absence, or at least until we finally get a “Like” button. ;)

    Remember, every time you award 10 real Little Lurker points, a baby Ellen is born.

    Best wishes to all of you and have a happy, healthy, successful 5772,

    LL

    PS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlcxEDy-lr0

    2. Ohhh LL, say it ain’t so! I was just going to post above about how a Little Lurker/Kanye East thread is the closest thing to a party I’m going to get stuck at my desk all weekend! Well, good luck with all your real-world endeavors, and I hope, nay, I know, that your irrepressible sass will shine through regardless of user name. Godspeed.

    5. This is such sad news. But go forth and be productive and let us know it is you when you return with a new moniker!

    6. +25 points.

      We will miss you!

      And a hearty “This!” on all your gratitude to this site, and congrats to Kat and her family.

    7. Aw! Please do return after the chagim. You are always so delightful to read. Shana tova :)

    9. LL, you rock! Good luck on your job and your life. I hope we see you back on this site.

    11. Shana tova and best of luck in your new job.. a month is not that long, we’ll still be here

    13. LL, good luck with your new job. I’ll definitely miss you here, too!

      And, ditto your message to Kat.

    14. Omigodyouguys, I’m totally having a Legally Blonde moment over here! LOVE YOU.

      I’ll be back by November, no question. The new name will obvs have to be totally ridiculous.

      I’ll be on tumblr a fair amount in the next month, because that kind of procrastination takes much less time. Come hang out there if you like!
      Ru, I expect to see a link in your name (tumblr, pinterest, polyvore) when I get back.

      +10000 points to everyone who commented for making my weekend.

      PS guess who saw her ex and totally didn’t freak out? THIS GIRL.

      1. LOL LL, I was TOTALLY going to comment on your thing about polyvore/pininterest/whatever.new.technology.you’re.dragging me into. It WILL happen. But just in case, google hijabeng to keep in touch =). That’s me.

        And +476 for not freaking about wrt your ex. Booyah!

  9. Some advice for my DH, if you please. :)

    DH was a part of the “lost generation” and lost his big law job after being “indefinitely deferred” a couple years back. He was very overqualified for his current firm but had to go where my job was and his current firm was all that was available. Although he’s thankful for that job, he has been doing almost exclusively projects that are more fit for a paralegal. Additionally, I’ve met many of his colleagues, and I often question how they manage to operate in every day life, let alone help others with legal issues. As you might imagine, he has been searching for another position this past year. Needless to say, his job search in the interim resulted in few leads and no other job offers. A few months ago, DH’s firm (<25 lawyers) announced it was merging with a larger firm (~200). DH was initially ecstatic until we later found out that DH would be making his current salary for at least the next year, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that the new firm salaries are nearly double that for first-years. To add insult to injury, his pay actually will go down because the new firm benefits policy leaves him paying more than before.

    Has anyone heard of a situation similar to this? I'm not sure what advice I could even ask for, but I just feel so bad that he feels bad! Poor DH is very down in the dumps over this new salary developments and has had little to no luck searching for anything else.

    1. It sucks. In this economy, I think you have to be grateful to have a job, even if it’s a job you’re not particularly thrilled with.

      I’ve seen my own compensation flatten and then decline in the last few years; I’m a junior partner who works more and earns less than my firm’s senior associates, so I’m not the best one to take attitude advice from.

    2. Take heart that even if things are bad for awhile money-wise with the merger, it’s likely he will be able to lateral more easily to another firm with the larger firm name on his resume and bio.

      1. Good point! That is huge these days. I also imagine that they will normalize all salaries eventually (perhaps after cutting some low performers, which does not sound like it will include your husband).

        Is anyone else sick of the “be grateful you have a job” response? I know it is true, and we all should be, but I don’t think it is wrong for people to want to improve their work life even in this economy.

        1. @ Porter – I agree. If I hear the “be grateful you have a job” retort one more time…

          1. Also, when people complain that they are underemployed, their benefits are crappy, they can’t repay student loans on their salaries, and/or that they’re doing the amount of work that used to be expected of 2 people, not one…all of these things point back to the same problem. It affects unemployed people in a different, and worse, way, but really it’s all related. The job situation is an absolute disaster. If people with jobs are supposed to pretend everything is great for them, we’re missing a huge part of the picture.

        2. Yes, the “at least you have a job” must die. I always feel dismissed and condescended to when someone says it to me.

          -a severely underemployed experienced lawyer whose job doesn’t cover the bills.

    3. I echo Kanye above.

      But also, if I were your DH I would continue to be ecstatic…this merger means that he has an opportunity to work with all the partners from that large(r) firm. If he busts his butt and proves himself, he should be in a great position to advocate for a salary that is closer to what the other associates at the firm are making. In short, while it is disappointing that he is to be treated as a second class citizen at the outset, with effort he has a real chance to advance.

    4. It depends on your DH’s situation, but my guess is he should try to align himself with powerful partners in the new law firm right away. He should try to distinguish himself without alienating his old colleagues. If he works hard for the people that matter and proves himself, then opportunities to tactfully discuss his salary should be easy to create. He should also continue to discreetly look for other positions because something better may come along. Another offer can be used as a negotiating chip or he can just take it and get out of a bad situation.

    5. He has been looking for a new job, and now he has one – without even interviewing. He gets the name of a larger firm on his resume, probably the opportunity to do substantive work and most likely the salary will come up after the first year because most law firms tend to do lock step salaries and the discrepency would be too hard to justify. He just needs to be careful of politics. I was working for a larger firm that absorbed a smaller firm – about the same number as your husband’s firm. It was a bit of us vs them mentality for a while. Being mindful of politics, he should try to get work from the new partners so that he finally is able to do interesting work. Also, if he decides he still wants to leave, it will give him the chance to talk about the substantive things he did for the firm (rather than paralegal work).

    6. What an awful situation. I agree with the advice to align himself with the people who matter. Don’t stop looking for other work. In this economy, it can take quite a while. I was in a crappy job (think Bunkster’s boss’ twin), and it took me a year and a half of searching to find work, but I’m glad I kept at it, because I work for a great company with awesome coworkers, and I now work part time, but my take-home pay is the same (but no benefits, but I’m fine with that; I’ve always been on DH’s major corporation’s health benefits).

    1. I’ve always wondered how many of us there are! I’m in, I’ll shoot you an email.

  11. K, so I need opinions: last year, too late for holiday cards, the spouse indicated to me that he would like us to send photo cards the following year. We are going to get some pro photos taken (we have very few pics of the two of us and the only pro pics we have are from our wedding, which was a while ago now), but here’s my question: is it weird to get a holiday photo card from a couple only? No kids, no dog. I don’t know why I care so much about what other people think, and the photos will be great to have regardless, but I am really quite curious.

    1. I think they’re fine as long as the photo and message aren’t obnoxious (one of those essays about “this year’s been so great because we are so awesome and our lives are super perfect, sucks to be you I’m sure”). As far as I’m concerned, a couple counts as a ‘family’ even without (fur)babies. Especially in the childless demographic, I think it’s up to us to reaffirm ties with family and friends, and a holiday card is a great way to do that. Just keep it simple with a nice photo and a simple greeting, maybe with a bit of handwritten message saying “we should get together soon! love to hear how you and hubby are!”

      Go for it!

      1. “this year’s been so great because we are so awesome and our lives are super perfect, sucks to be you I’m sure”

        Your description cracks me up! Made me think of the family that sent a two page letter every year (one kid, not eight!!). We always looked forward to reading that letter aloud each year!

        1. Tee-hee. We receive a letter from a family like that every year – super obnoxious. A few weeks ago, the daughter that the family always brags on was featured in a very unflattering light on a certain show on Bravo. Can’t wait to read this year’s letter!

        2. I LOVE those letters! I don’t have enough grown-up-with-kids friends to get too many of my own, yet, but I always look forward to going home and reading the ones my mom still gets about “kids” who are my contemporaries. I’m smiling in anticipation already.

        3. I always wonder what people think when they receive my family’s card every year. My dad has been writing it recently and there are a bunch of kids in my family, so he has resorted to bullet points.

          To the OP, I received photo cards from friends who are just couples without children. Most of them were just the photo card with a short handwritten note on the back of it. I like them and put them up on my fridge for a few weeks. I’m sure there will be people annoyed either way though.

          1. AHAHA bullet points! That’s great!

            If I got one of those letters, I’d laugh my butt off. In a good way.

      3. “this year’s been so great because we are so awesome and our lives are super perfect, sucks to be you I’m sure”

        We get a letter like that every year. Last year, their 20 year old daughter ended up dropping out of university to hang out with friends in her hometown and work at a tanning salon. It was interesting to see how that read after it was run through the “super perfect family” filter (she is apparently “following her heart” and “embarking on a new adventure”, if anyone was wondering)

        1. Photo of a couple is fine. I love getting photo cards. All you need are sincere smiles.

      5. Eew, my ex-BF’s family always sends out a “this year’s been so great because we are so awesome and our lives are super perfect, sucks to be you I’m sure” 2-3 pages letter for Christmas.

        They always include something about their kids’ BFs/GFs, and it was really awkward when ex and I took a 2-week “break” one year and I was not included in that year’s edition of the Christmas letter. That was something that always bothered me about the family and, hey, now I don’t have to worry about reading that crap this year!! haha

        I love photo cards though. Doesn’t matter how many people; a simple christmas photo card is always welcome in my book.

    2. I don’t think it’s weird, but maybe it’s because my husband and I send out photo cards every year. :-)

      FWIW, we don’t send cutesy “holiday” themed pictures; they’re usually vacation pictures that we’re fond of. We just visited my sister out-of-state, and I discovered that she has our holiday card from last year framed with other family pictures, because “it was a great picture.”

      1. I have to say, I think it’s pretty weird. I have a few friends who do this – usually in coordinating sweaters. I don’t know why I find it so inappropriate, but I do.

        However, I do like the idea of using a picture from a fun trip or a special moment. Just skip the posed pics.

        1. so you’re saying we should skip the matching, oversized Christmas sweaters? :)

        2. Gracie – I tend to agree. No one really wants a picture of two adults (unless it is some sort of quirky, funny picture – but that has got to be nearly impossible without coming off as cheesy)…especially in matching sweaters. Have the pictures taken, and keep them for yourselves, but send out a card with a snowflake or something.

    3. I don’t think it’s weird at all! But then again, my fiance and I send holiday photo cards (albeit with our dog). We usually just have a simple pre-printed message (Happy Holidays, or the like), and then write a personal message on the back.

      1. Oh thank you for actually writing a personal message! Its a pet peeve of mine to receive holiday cards that are totally pre-printed with no personal message, and sometimes not even signed. I swear I sometimes get more personal messages on holiday cards from businesses than I do from colleagues/extended family!

        1. My pet peeve too! So glad I’m not the only one bothered by empty cards. Even if you are too busy to write a short message (I know, you must have way more friends than me), couldn’t you at least sign the card?

    4. I find it a little weird, but not offensive or even bothersome. I just think the point is to show how families are growing, for instance I get them and think wow look how much they have grown in a year! When its a couple its just like yeah I know what you guys look like. But I think it depends on who you are sending them to, and I like the idea of sending vacation photo because then the point of the sharing is different, your sending like a “moment in time” for people which is nice.

    5. I think it’s a little odd, but maybe because it’s just not my thing and I’ve only ever received one such Christmas card from friends.

    7. My fiancé and I have done this for the last two years because three years ago, when we sent a card with both of us and his two kids, their mom threw a hissy fit. (Suffice to say she yelled at him, sent him nasty emails and yelled at the kids harshly enough to make the younger daughter cry when we suggested family photos for either of the next two years. Aside: does anyone else find this behavior strange coming from the woman who left her husband in the family house with the kids?)

      We also used photos from the year insead of from a studio or photo shoot. One year it was the two of us at older kid’s graduation (so we were dressed nicely) taken by younger kid. The next year it was an appropriate vacation shot. I use shutterfly or similar to put the image on a non-denominational world peace/happy new year sort of card. We have had only positive feedback.  

      1. (just a note, of course your only going to receive positive feedback :) As for the mom getting made, I get it. Three years ago I’m guessing you were “just” the girlfriend, and I can see someone getting pissed that the gf is sending out a pic that makes her look like mom. Irrational, but I get it

        1. The timing is a little off, but I get your point. And I completely understand getting pissed, rationally or not. After all, even when you were the one who wanted the divorce, you can still be cranky about it, and issues surrounding it, for years. What I don’t understand is telling your former husband (I’d be too humiliated to admit it upset me) or scaring your kids (I’d be too mortified).

      2. to the aside: TOTALLY get it. For me (and my step-parent friends, which is a significant portion of them), it got much worse when DH and I had our own child. Bio mom of my step child went off the deep end (making comments about my weight, my work, calling inappropriately, etc), and I still haven’t come around to her. I doubt that I ever will. I just grin and bear it for the kids, as best I can.

    8. We have sent pictures of just the two of us as a couple on our holiday cards for the last 5 years. They have always been vacation photos from whatever cool place we went to that year. We even got in the habit on our trips of making sure took several photos throughout the trip that had BOTH of us in them so we would have a few choices. We had a baby this year, so we’ll switch over to family portraits now. I agree that formal photos of just a couple might be weird, but photos of the two of you doing fun stuff are totally fine. As for the letter, hmm, that makes me think. I’m worried we could be accused of that. I love reading people’s letters, even when they’re a full page and half, because half of the people we exchange christmas cards with are people we don’t see or talk to that often. So I tend to write pretty long ones highlighting our year as well. I hope no one else sees them in that negative light :-(

      1. My husband and I don’t do the letters, but I actually love reading them! I read every single one I get, and enjoy hearing about how peoples’ years have been. As long as I don’t walk away thinking that your life is magically perfect, then it’s nice to know what you’ve been up to.

      2. I’m another one who loves reading those letters, even though it seems like the in thing nowadays is to mock them.

      3. I like reading the letters also. I want to know what people are up to! The photos of just adults seem a bit odd to me, because adults don’t change that much from year to year (rather than just looking older). Kids can look so very different each year that I think the kid pix are more interesting. Then again, I have children! I have two sets of friends who are childfree, and I have to say I’m not always so keen about hearing about the sporting events they attended and the Nepalese hikes they went on. Seems a bit like bragging, but I’m probably just jealous that I can only report on potty training, new puppies etc! LOL

    9. Thank you all for the feedback. I only wish we had a great photo of us together from this year to use.

      1. So go take a photo now! Head out to a park or some other nice scenic place for a date and a take pic and presto, you’re done.

    10. DH and I send photo cards every year (with our cat). Maybe some of the recipients think it’s weird because we don’t have children and aren’t a “family” in their eyes. Who cares? If you want to send photo cards, go for it! Your family unit is as meaningful as any other.

    11. I think it’s totally fine! That said, I love getting mail so I am relatively biased.

      As a somewhat-random aside, my aunt always laughs/gives a hard time to her friends who send Christmas cards where they look great, even if it’s a terrible picture of their husband/kids. She’s mentioned one card in particular where her friend (the mom) looked terrific and clearly chose the picture for that reason only :)

      1. I do that. :p I once cried when my MIL sent out a family photo where I looked really, really bad. Since then I take a family photo, pick one where I look good and the dh and kids are at least smiling at the camera, and email it to her in the fall so she can use it.

        To the OP, I’d love to see my adult friends, and not only their kids, in photos, especially if the printed letter/card is short and sweet. I have one friend who writes 1-2 sentences about each family member, a religious conclusion (like, “as always, we are praying for peace and plenty for the world”) and I love her cards. Much better than 10 paragraphs.

        1. I’m not saying I won’t do the same thing! :) I think the photo I mentioned above was just especially funny to my aunt because she could tell immediately (and her friend readily confirmed) that her friend chose the picture because she looked great-I don’t think the kids were even smiling, or something like that.

  12. How do you gracefully decline when someone asks you to be a reference?

    I have received two calls in the last few months asking me to be a reference. One was a former opposing counsel, and one was a former co-worker. I turned them both down. I told one of them them that I wasn’t “really the right person,” even though the real answer is that I did not want to put my name down as supporting the quality of her work. I told another that I would “think about it,” pointing out that we really didn’t work together very closely. I feel awful about lying, and letting them down. It was hard. But I don’t really want to say, “You’re a bad lawyer.”

    I’m in a small state, and the legal community is even smaller. My thought is that it is better to be judicious with recommendations than to be putting my reputation on the line for people who I would not even recommend to my deadbeat family members. But I feel like I’m treating both of them as social pariahs or something…

    1. As someone who has only been the asker for references, I think it sounds like you handled the situation perfectly.

    2. Agree. I think “I feel like I’m not the right person” is an excellent response. (And I will be borrowing it). I once asked someone who never got back to me. *That* made me feel like a pariah.

      I once agreed to be someone’s reference when I wasn’t entirely comfortable. They had interned for me years prior in a position different than the ones they were currently applying. They contacted me for an informational interview, then asked to use me as a reference. I had to fumble through the reference check, basically saying they were fine a couple of years ago but I couldn’t vouch for their current work or skills. I figured all it did was look poor for them, and brushed it off. Fast forward about a year, and I hear through the grapevine that this person was an HR nightmare. For multiple employers. I really wish I hadn’t attached my name to them. We crossed paths later and they wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, and I don’t blame them.

      1. Why didn’t you decline to serve as a recommender, if all you could say was that she was “fine?” It bugs me that you’re content figuring that it looked poor for her. That was a crappy thing to do. If you were just honest and said you didn’t feel comfortable she could’ve asked someone else, someone who didn’t screw things up for her and ruin her chances. Yeah, it sounds like ultimately she was a screw up and I guess that somehow vindicates you, but it sounds like you didn’t know it at the time. If you can’t give a good reference, don’t give one at all, for God’s sake.

        1. Whoa, ouch. Take a deep breath. I shared that story as an example of why not to feel pressured to be a reference. I absolutely agree that I should have declined, and that was my point. Sheesh.

          1. Apologies, Research. I should have read more carefully, and appreciate your reasoned reply.

        2. It’s more the fault of the intern for asking someone who did not have good knowledge of her work to be a reference. Should you refuse, sure, but I think that’s the point of her post — to demonstrate the problem with agreeing to be a reference for someone on whom you are not sold.

    3. I recently had to turn down a former intern who asked me to write a letter of recommendation. I just said I didn’t think I was the best person and suggested she might get a stronger letter out of someone who knew her better. I kind of wimped out and said I’d still be willing to do it if she couldn’t find anyone else, but I think she got the message and went away.

    4. Ok, this makes me feel better. I guess I’ve felt guilty because if I’m “not the right person,” I’m not sure if they actually have a “right person.”

      But I have to remember that is their problem, not mine.

      Thanks for the horror story about recommending someone when you really didn’t want to. That made me feel much better.

  13. I recently applied for a new position at a much larger company. They use an online application system and it tracks the status of applications.

    What do you think “Candidacy Closed” means? I checked yesterday and that’s what it said. When I went to search for the position in their job search function it was no longer listed.

    Do you think they just closed the application process? I only applied a few days ago so I wasn’t expecting a response just yet but I’m hoping it doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested…

    thoughts?

    1. My husband applied recently at a massive (longtime household name) company, and got that same thing after the application, but still got called in for an interview. So it’s probably more like the application process being closed.

      On the other hand, he had the interview, got an email saying that they would be calling with an offer that week, didn’t get a call until the next week, that said that he would be starting training the first or second week of October but gave no details about the pay/benefits/etc. and set him up for a physical and background check. He went to the physical almost 3 weeks ago, and there’s absolutely no reason to think there should be any problems with the bg check, but he still hasn’t heard anything. Sent an email on Monday saying “do you need anything else?” and is still waiting to hear back. So, apparently he’s supposed to start in the next 2 weeks, but still doesn’t even know what he’d be making (he has another job now, but of course I told him not to say anything until he has the full offer). So, we have no idea what’s going on.

    2. Sounds like Candidacy Closed means that they had the position posted for awhile, and are no longer accepting new applications. They’re likely reviewing what they got now and making decisions on who moves on to the next step.

    3. I’d interpret that as position filled or they decided not to proceed with filling it.

    4. don’t worry yet, that usually means they want to close the listing so that they stop receiving new resumes. They have gotten enough strong applications, or just too many applications, and are going to now review what they have and move forward in the process.

      now, it’s possible that it means they have filled the position, but if you just applied, you can’t possibly know that yet. So, give it a couple weeks before you give up.

      1. Very cute! But maybe a little too quirky? Not one you could remix and wear every week! :)

        Seriously: I have had success with sheath dresses from JCrew and Banana Republic.

      2. If it wasn’t $1700 I would buy it. Maybe most people wouldn’t wear this every week, but I would! :)

    4. Calvin Klein and Classiques make some nice ones and they often go on sale/get moved to the “rack.”

  15. To continue that really fun wardrobe malfunction thread, in my baby engineer days, I once went out to the field with three other engineers. Since women’s jeans are pretty useless with respect to pockets, I wore cargo pants and a plaid or striped button-front, I dont remember. I needed the pockets for my wallet, keys and pads. While we were wondering around an intersection, I notice a pad on the floor. The exact pad that I prefer, in its cheery lime green wrapping. There was no way that pad had been dropped by someone else because we were in an industrial area, no other women there whatsoever. Mortified, I quickly scooped it up and shoved it back in my pocket, hoping that nobody noticed. Sigh, the power of wishful thinking.

    Lesson learned: cargo pants with BUTTONED pockets. If those pants aren’t available, I safety pin the pockets closed to secure pads. But now, I just shove pads into my knee-high trouser socks. Discreet, nobody knows, and I don’t have to slink my purse to the bathroom.

    1. LOL, I first read “pad” as a small notebook and couldn’t figure out why this would be so embarrassing. NOW I get it!

      A friend, during her airline stewardess years, once handed a man a tampon instead of a straw. Yikes!

      One more reason to switch to a diva cup ;) Seriously, you’ll never go back.

      1. +1 to diva cups. I have actually had friends tell me that the diva cup folks should pay me for all the positive things I have to say about them…seriously, don’t get me started :)

        1. Actually, I’ve been considering them in the back of my mind for a long time, but I’ve been too lazy to do the research/actually buy one. I’d love to hear people’s experiences with them.

          1. I have several friends who use the diva cup as well and I don’t think any of us will ever go back to tampons. One of my friends will go so far as to tell you that is has changed her life. I might not go quite that far, but I still have been really happy I made the switch.

            Since you asked, here are my (hopefully not to graphic!) thoughts on the pros and cons:

            Pros:
            1) You can wear it for longer than tampons–up to 12 hours. I think there is less risk of TSS since there isn’t any cotton/absorption.
            2) It works with any level of flow (and not to be TMI, but I think it has more “capacity” than even super absorbent tampons) and there’s no harm in wearing it before you actually start your period. So, if you think you’re going to get your period in the next day or two, you can just use the diva cup until you do. It also removes the guesswork from “should I go with regular or super?”
            3) You don’t have to worry about slyly bringing tampons/pads with you to the bathroom.
            4) I have never had a problem w/ leaking.
            5) I think they’re as comfortable as tampons, but generally less of a hassle.
            6) I do feel like it’s better for my body than tampons.

            Cons:
            1) They can be messier than tampons. That said, I think it’s one of those things where you once you know the differences, you can adjust accordingly.
            2) You are supposed to wash them w/ soap every time you change (or, if we’re being honest, empty) them. This works great if you have access to a private bathroom, but it isn’t always an option. That said, you also don’t need to change it as frequently.

            As I said, I’ve been really happy with the diva cup. Admittedly, it took a month or two to get used to it, but now I really can’t imagine going back. I think the biggest difference for me has been that I just think about my period a lot less-I change it twice a day and otherwise don’t think about it.

            This may have been a longer response than you were looking for, but I hope it helps!

          2. LOVE the Diva Cup, been using it for 4+ years. ITA with everything the PP said. IMO, using it is not any messier than using an OB tampon, and it’s easy to manage once you’re accustomed to it (which does take a cycle or two).

          3. I really like mine! I’m anemic and have a ridiculously heavy flow, and I like not having to run to the bathroom to change a tampon every two hours – or having to set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night to change.

            That being said, I’ve noticed that once the cup gets more than 2/3 full, the “seal” is no longer as tight, and I tend to leak a little bit. Still, I tell myself that a pantiliner + a diva cup is more convenient/better for the environment than the 7-8 tampons a day (yes) I used to run through.

          4. And a dissenting view – I have found that they leak once they get sort of full, and I once had one dislodge and spill all over me and the floor when I squatted down to reach something. I also found them hard to remove without spilling all over my hand and possibly legs, which is not cool in a public bathroom. And I find it uncomfortable to have something up near my cervix. Obviously they work for lots of women, but not me.

          5. All of these comments are super helpful, thank you! If I can ask one more question: How many cups do you own/use? My understanding was that you only needed one cup, but it sounds like most people have several?

          8. I agree with Laura, but I have my own pros/cons.

            Pros:
            – So much cleaner overall! Cleaning is messier, but you’re *much* cleaner the rest of the time. No nasty pad. No nasty tampon string. Your garbage can doesn’t reek. My husband was NOT cool with the idea – but he was sold after the first period.
            – Less to deal with. I can easily go an entire work day without having to deal with my period. I empty it in the morning and typically once at night. (Sometimes in the evening and before bed on heavy days; Often only the once on light days). It’s perfect for moms of little ones, too, since private bathroom time is limited.
            – More comfortable. I’ve never found tampons to be comfortable. I always feel them and they are scratchy. And pads… well, we all know those aren’t super cool either. I just feel slight pressure, which is easily forgotten after a couple of minutes of wear.
            – Go ahead and wear white pants and good panties. Seriously. I have the occasional leak, but I wear a pantyliner and have never had a problem. In three years. In general, I find a leak with the diva cup is much less than a neglected tampon or pad and far more rare.
            – Never buying “feminine hygiene products” ever again. I bought pads for post-partum bleeding and keep a small stash for guests. It’s good for your pocketbook, your schedule, and the environment.
            Cons:
            – Takes some getting used to. You must touch blood. You must touch yourself. And it’s placed lower, so it takes an adjustment if you’re used to tampons both in insertion and sensation. I had some leaking the first one or two cycles, too, until I learned to get it placed correctly.
            – You don’t know when it’s full. You just have to learn your own cycle. Change more frequently (4-6 hours) on the first couple of cycles and observe.
            – I boil mine at the start and end of my period, which is an extra step to think about if my period starts on a rushed workday morning. (And doesn’t it always?)
            – Thoroughly grossing out everyone who doesn’t use one. People think you’re a freak and your partner will be scared of it.

            With pads and tampons, I feel like my entire life revolves around my period. Buying, keeping stocked, planning bathroom trips, planning outfits, etc. But with the diva cup, aside from a couple of minutes a day, I can completely forget about my period. It’s amazing. My husband actually said that I’m noticeably happier during my period.

        2. Can anybody talk about working out or swimming with a Diva Cup? They seem like they’d be great for normal activities but not really athletic ones.

      2. Can anyone speak to whether you can use this simultaneously with Nuvaring? I have a shortened cycle (4 days off) instead of 7 because my I get really severe menstrual migraines/back pain. With a tampon it’s a real hassle using both at once and I was wondering if it’s any better with the diva cup.

        1. I do and haven’t had a problem with it. That said, I don’t think I ever used tampons and the NuvaRing simultaneously, so I can’t compare.

        2. Maybe try a shorter tampon like OB? Tampax and some other brands are long, and OB is kind of short and squat so it doesn’t go in as far but absorbs just as much. I can’t wear Tampax comfortably.

        3. No personal experience, but I believe the Nuvaring sits up at the cervix, right? The diva cup sits lower than a tampon (probably comparable to an OB tampon), so I think it would be better.

      3. I have never heard of this diva cup business somehow. I am sooo out of touch with the world sometimes. I never watch TV except online, and maybe I just missed the commercials?

        1. I learned about it through an eco-conscious message board. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ad… I think you’re in the majority, actually.

        2. I used to use Instead cups, which are a disposable menstrual cup. If you’re icked out at the thought of emptying/washing the Diva Cup, it’s something to think about – they’re orderable online. I loved the Instead cup – you can actually have sex with it in while you’re on your period and not get blood everywhere.

          Now, however, I have a Mirena IUD – I just got my second one after the first one expired – and I never have periods any more – I have some light spotting every other month, and that’s it. After 17 years of incredibly heavy bleeding, cramps, migraines, etc. it is such a relief. I don’t know why more women who have had kids don’t use it.

        3. I’m glad you posted this because, for a second, I thought I was the only one who’d never head of this diva cup! I’m definitely going to check it out though. Anything to not have to spend five whole days thinking about my period every two hours.

      4. lol, me too!

        This story reminded me an incident involving a high school friend. She was working at the local Pizza Hut – one particularly crazy busy weekend, she had a customer approach her to place an order in the middle of the restaurant – she grabbed a pen out of her apron to take down his order, then realized that the thing flapping around at the end was a string. The poor thing was trying to write with a tampon which had come unwrapped in her pocket, while standing in the middle of the restaurant. Not really a wardrobe malfunction … but pretty funny nonetheless

  16. Oh I’ve been waiting all week for this thread for advice on matte jersey dresses. I see women wearing these dresses and they get this weird V cling going on in their V area (if you know what I mean, and I think you do.) Is there a way to avoid this, or is it inevitable? I just bought one and would love to wear it without having to worry about that.
    Thanks!

    3. I agree with the slip and I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t work. I wear potentially clingy dresses, but always with slip/camisole/whatever underneath.

    4. On that note, where does one find non-compression slips anymore? Every department store I’ve tried has switched entirely to spanx-type slips, and I just want a regular slip!

      1. Really cheap or really expensive stores. I’ve seen them at Walmart recently and I’ve scored at Target, Marshall’s and the like. Macy’s has a non-compression slip from Jockey’s as well.

        1. I got my slip at Target today for $13. Thanks again for the suggestions, ladies. I seldom wear skirts or dresses so I really needed some help with this

      5. i adore the commando slip on the herroom website (not sure if anyone else sells it). it’s a great length, adjustable straps, plain, comes in black and other colors, variety of lengths. i have about 3 and wear them under jersey dresses all the time. can’t recommend highly enough.

          1. The one I posted from Gap is basically identical (come to think of it, it’s probably a knockoff of the Commando) and it’s a lot cheaper.

    6. Wear a slip or even just bike shorts underneath. I see this all the time too, and it’s totally preventable.

  17. I missed chatting on most of the threads this week, but wanted to say that the wardrobe malfunction thread had me cracking up! As did interactive Ellen.

    I try to keep maternity related questions off of the weekly posts (since Kat found that the majority of corporettes don’t want it on here), but I figure the open thread is in fact open. I am embracing my growing belly and finally went shopping. Had very good luck with Ann Taylor Loft Maternity and Gap Maternity. I still need some more work gear, but it is a start. Also, for your tall Corporettes, Gap Maternity makes jeans in LONG. Very exciting.

    If anyone has any good recent maternity finds, especially for professional-ware, share them here!

    1. I stalked Rosie pope’s site, they had a fabulous summer sale and I got a gorgeous silk wrap dress. I’ve also had good luck with Boden for tops. Any suggestions for good maternity jeans (not jeggings) would be great though!

      1. Gap maternity jeans – I’m swearing by them. I have a pair of trouser, long and lean, and skinny jeans from them and they’re incredibly comfortable (I prefer the demi-panel, which is what the bulk of their stock is).

    2. Those are the two places for professional wear for me, but thankfully I work in a casual environment. Don’t totally overlook the maternity stores. It can be work to filter through the yucky, but there are gems to be found. I also recommend good consignment stores (most baby resale have maternity sections), because you can find a wider style selection.

      My “trick” was to wear my regular jackets and cardigans unbuttoned. I also wore regular wrap dresses through my entire last pregnancy.

      Have you looked at Isabella Oliver? It’s spendy and perhaps a bit provocative for a conservative workplace, but it is flattering and well designed. Lilac has similar stuff for slightly less, but no personal experience with it. H&M has a MAMA line, some of which could be incorporated into a professional wardrobe.

      Maternity jeans rave: Gap bootcut with a full panel. I had long and lean with my first baby, but I tried these this time. Love them. The L&L were nice, but didn’t fit my curvy figure as well. And this could be helpful: http://www.aintnomomjeans.com/2011/09/maternity-jean-rundown-which-styles-are-best-for-you.html (actually, this whole site is your friend). I find full-panel a little loose at the start (still need to be tugged up at 18 wks) but so much more comfortable at the end, particularly after baby drops.

      And seriously, what’s with the ocean of maternity jeggings? :/

      1. I’m glad to see your suggestions, ladies! I am at 15 weeks right now with my first pregnancy, and getting the feeling that I am about to need some maternity clothes. I lost about 20 lbs before getting pregnant, so I have some work dresses with a little extra room that I hope will hold me for a while. I mostly work from home, so I don’t often need to dress up. I checked out the maternity clothes at Target yesterday and was disappointed. I swear that they have had the cutest maternity clothes for years. And now that I actually need them – nada!

  18. Okay smarties –

    I am having a brain fart and need help with the wording of an email. I applied for an in-house position via email (the only option) on 8/31 and have not heard anything back yet. I want to send another email confirming my continued interest in the position. Any suggestions on a short and sweet message? Thank you!

    1. I recently called and left this as a voice message:

      Hello, my name is **** and I interviewed for a position 1 month ago. I’m calling to ask if I am still being considered for the position? If so, I’d like to express my very strong continued interest in the position, and let you know that I can provide you with additional materials if they will help you in making your final decision. I can be contacted at ***

      Thank-you,
      Me

      I think this can be edited nicely to fit into an email. Of course, a phone call is better, always be sure to ask if they have time to talk when they answer in case they are in the middle of something. Hope that’s helpful!

      1. Thank you! Why are three sentence emails the hardest ones to draft sometimes? ;-)

  19. I posted this at one point last week and someone helpfully told me to post it on a weekend open thread for more respones (Thanks to the three who did respond with useful advide), so here goes, again: Imagine I am your friend and have just asked you for a referral to a lawyer to deal with the aftermath of a car accident (my husband was injured by a drunk driver), what little tidbits of info or insider knowledge would you pass along with your referral?

    My husband and I are meeting with an attorney next week regarding the accident, and I’m curious to see if there’s anything I should be aware of that’s not obvious.

    1. I would want to know if the attorney handled these types of cases exclusively/primarily or if they handled a wide range of cases. I’d stear clear of solos who take on too many different types of cases (i.e., personal injury, immigration, divorces, etc.).

    2. Clearly communicate what your priorities are (e.g., resolving the situation quickly, getting the most money, obtaining a sense of justice, etc.) Most attorneys will listen and adapt their representation of you accordingly. If you aren’t completely committed, you can even ask the attorney if her expertise matches your goal: “Do you think you are the best person to resolve this quickly, or would you recommend someone else if that is my top priority?” Once you have clearly communicated with your attorney, carefully listen to the attorney when he/she gives you advice. Attorneys usually choose words carefully and mean every single one of them. Also, make yourself easy to work with. Be polite, take notes, organize your questions and thoughts when you meet or talk with your attorney, and be prompt in responding to the attorney when they ask you for items. Not only can this save legal fees, but it could motivate the attorney to go the extra mile for you if he/she really likes you on a personal level.

    3. I assume you’ve requested coverage from your insurance company, the drunk’s, or both. Keep records of all your contact with insurance company representatives. If you have a telephone conversation, make note of date/time, who you spoke with, general content of conversation. Hopefully, the insurance company will do the right thing, and you won’t need these notes. On the other hand, if they don’t, and you consider pursuing legal action against them for bad faith denial of coverage, you’ll be grateful to have these records.

    4. Anon – sorry that you are going through this. I would make sure that you like the attorney. Know that you are embarking on a long process (In my jurisdiction, many years can go by before you see any recover/resolution), and be wary of an attorney who does not tell you this immediately. Also as a lawyer, I would want to know what this attorney’s case load is. Attorneys with too many cases will make your case go slower because they are too busy and spread too thin! Ask that the attorney give you status reports at least once per month (that way he will be encouraged to stay active on your file and you will know what is going on).

  20. I just wrote a long comment and got the “posting too quickly” screen of death, which ate it. So here’s the bulleted version:

    -Currently with Big Company A, been there for 3 years
    -Starting a salary was ridiculously low, due to it being 2008 and fresh out of college
    -Moved to a new position in Big Company A 6 months ago
    -Got a $12k raise in my new position, although I believe I’m still somewhat underpaid for my field
    -Sometimes I love my new job, sometimes I don’t, but overall management is really supportive and wants me to succeed

    -Good friend whom I used to work with at Company A, who now works at Midsized Company B, called today to ask me to work with her at Co. B
    -Co. B has much more generous compensation packages, so I’d probably get a substantial raise
    -B is in the same industry as Company A, but is not as well-known/probably doesn’t have the same reputation
    -Friend says to just submit my resume and see what they offer me, that it’s no big deal if I don’t take the job or change my mind; however, something about that doesn’t sit right with me

    Prior to receiving this phone call, I had no thoughts whatsoever about leaving my current job. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be making an appropriate salary as long as I stay at Company A.

    Should I send in my resume? Politely decline? See what happens? I am really confused and I’m not entirely sure why.

    Not even sure if this makes any sense, as it just happened to me and I’m still processing it, but any advice/feedback/guidance is appreciated!

    1. For me, this would answer my question: “But I don’t know if I’ll ever be making an appropriate salary as long as I stay at Company A.”

      Maybe use an offer from Company B to get a raise at Company A?

      1. I’ve thought of this. It may work, or it may totally backfire on me. A “dream job” (or at least a pretty great job) for me would be two levels up from where I’m currently at at Company A (for which my compensation would be commission-based, so I wouldn’t have to worry about a fair salary), so I don’t want to rock the boat too much and have it ruin my chances of promotion in the future.

    2. Don’t submit the resume if you would never take the job. That sort of thing really irritates hiring managers, and can follow you for longer than you might think.

      One thing to consider, but only if you have a good relationship with your manager, is telling them that you’ve been getting unsolicited requests, and that it seems like a good time to talk about your future at the company.

      1. Hmm..I hadn’t thought of that! Thanks for the idea. My manager and I do have a good relationship, but she (and many senior managers) have been with the company for 10+ years. I don’t know how well she’d take to the notion that I’m considering unsolicited requests seriously enough to discuss them with her.

        1. I wouldn’t put it that you’ve been considering them, just that recieving them has made you think about what you want out of your current position. A good way to start the conversation is to tell your manager what you said here, that working at your current company is your dream job, that you see her as a mentor, and see how she has made a place for herself in the company, etc.

    3. I’m not sure why you’re holding back. If you’re potentially interested, submit and find out more details. If you’re not, don’t. You sound like you feel obligated to everyone but yourself. Ultimately you’re the one that matters.

      1. “You sound like you feel obligated to everyone but yourself.”

        Thanks for hitting the nail on the head – I couldn’t figure out why I felt so conflicted. Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to hear.

        1. I agree with Corporate Tool and Anon. If you would never consider the job, do not submit. But I don’t see any harm in submitting if you are even mildly interested. Just because you submit does not mean you have to accept.

    4. I work at a “company A” type firm and they actually pay just at/just below market rate working off the assumption that many people leave after having a few years at a prestigious firm on their resume. Smaller firms will then often pay up for “graduates” of company a. This attitude also isn’t uncommon among the white shoe finance firms.

      2. I work in Big 4 accounting and was just going to say the same thing. Company A is likely a training ground for people early in their careers, and knows it, so they are able to pay less than you might find in a smaller firm.

    5. If it is interesting to you, by all means apply and see what they offer – applying is not a commitment. If it turns out the opportunity isn’t interesting, or the compensation isn’t compelling, then no harm saying so and staying where you are. If the position/opportunity are exciting to you, though, but you are genuinely ambivalent about leaving your current position, there is no reason not to broach the subject with something along the lines of “I was not actively looking but was approached by XXX, and they’ve offered me X job at Y pay. I am very happy here and had not considered leaving until I was approached, but the financial offer is very compelling, so I wanted to explore my future opportunity here” or something along those lines.

  21. I know this has been discussed before, but any tips for maintaining a decent wardrobe on a budget while losing weight? I’ve lost 23 pounds since end of June and have not purchased any new clothes, but I’m at the point where I do not own a single pair of pants that don’t look ridiculous. I need to buy some new clothes but I plan on losing another 25-30 pounds and can’t afford to replace my whole wardrobe at every size point along the way. Add to that 1) horrible selection of stores in my small city, 2) very little time to shop, 3) don’t know what size I am so I can’t order online to take advantage of sales, 4) no consignment store option.

    I know dresses are generally easier to wear at a range of sizes than pants and skirts, but dresses are generally 1) more identifiable (i.e., can wear different tops with same pair of pants and no one will notice, but the same dress is the same dress, and obvious if it has any color/pattern/interesting detail) and 2) more expensive. My plan right now is to run to the local Ann Taylor Loft and pick up a couple pairs of pants that are maybe a bit snug so they might last for the next 15 pounds or so, and try to get by with my current blazers/dresses a little while longer. I’m losing weight faster in my lower half, so I might take a couple suit skirts to get taken in and keep wearing the same jackets.

    Anyone have any good tips? I basically want to spend the least money possible until I get to my goal weight and can start building a wardrobe of quality pieces. But I also don’t want to look shabby for the next few months!

    1. Well first, go to the small stores and at least figure out what size you are. Then order online. Right now at the limited, its buy 1 get one free on pants, skirts, jackets and dresses. that means you can get 2 for the price of 1, plus its free shipping over 100, plus there are tons of online coupon codes for more off like percentages. Its also buy one get one half off on shirts. i just bought a sweater, blouse, dress, and jacket for 150 dollars total.

    2. I just did this (lost 35-ish lbs). I’d suggest getting a couple cheapie skirts in neutral colors (black, grey, navy) that you can rotate. I wear the same black skirt once a week and no one notices. Keep your blouses, but add belts to give yourself a little more definition, or a shaped cardigan/jacket over top, and you can squeeze a couple extra sizes out of them.

      As for places to shop, since it’s temporary, get a couple pieces at H&M/Target/your preferred “fast fashion” provider. Take this as the opportunity to be super-trendy (and ignore long-term value) since you only need the clothes to last a bit anyway.

      And isn’t shopping so much more fun now?

      1. I think it will be much more fun once I reach my goal weight and figure out what size I am in all my favorite brands. At any weight, I’ve never been the same on top and bottom or from store to store. As I’ve gotten busier with work, I find shopping out of necessity (as opposed to a “fun” shopping excursion) to be more frustrating when I have to try on pants in various cuts/sizes. And as much as I am thrilled with my weight loss and know how much better I look, I still find myself subconsciously disappointed when “my size” in a particular store turns out to be a higher number than I thought.

    3. The non-brand brands at Nordtrom Rack (if you have one in your area) are amazing. I’m in a similar situation (5 sizes down in the past 13 months) and those $15 pants have been a lifesaver.

      Another good one is Old Navy for cheap basics. Today they’re doing buy one item, get any other item 75% off and I picked up some basic tops in a range of colors. They look decent enough and will last you a few months of heavy wear. I can wear the same grey pants/skirt for a whole week and just rotate my tops and no one ever seems to notice.

      And congrats on the weight loss!

      1. Is there a code for the buy one get one 75% off? I didn’t see it on the website, but I’ve been at work for 12 hours already today and it could really be staring me in the face and I might not notice it.

    4. Congratulations to all of you! You may also try ordering some inexpensive stuff from Zappos, especially if you don’t have much selection in your city. At least then you can try on a variety of items that may not be available in stores locally and not pay any shipping.

    5. I asked on yesterday’s Coffee Break for inexpensive black pants recommendations and got way more replies than I expected. Maybe some of those will work?

    6. Skirts and dresses work best for me at a variety of weights. Pants are very weight-specific. Sweaters and flowy blouses can also look ok at a variety of weights. Belts help.

      1. I just went through that, having lost 52 pounds since April. I had nothing to wear midway since I have not been this size in many years. During transition, I bought a few basic black pants with an elastic waist that I could cover with bargain tops/cardigans that I found. Try LandsEnd, especially their Outlet — they have some great deals, Nordstrom Rack, Ross, TJ Max. Don’t spend too much until you think you are done and even then, you will end up getting things you just bought taken in. Congrats on losing 35 pounds and good luck on losing the rest. It feels great!

    8. Maternity pants from the GAP. They have work-appropriate designs (modern boot cut, for example) and an elastic waist that grows and shrinks with you. I wore mine when I was 5 months pregnant, 9 months pregnant, and 2 months post-partum–all very different points on the spectrum.

    9. Thanks for all the recommendations. I went to the Limited last night (because our Ann Taylor Loft closes at 6! on a Friday!) based on a friend telling me about the buy 1 get 1 deal. Hadn’t shopped there in years because their clothes just haven’t worked for my shape. Took advantage of the sale and snagged 2 pairs of pants (slightly snug, so as to hopefully last longer) even though I didn’t love the fit or material. Also grabbed a belted cardigan to rein in baggy shirts.

      Bless y’all’s hearts for thinking I would have an H&M/Nordstrom Rack or a decent selection at my Target. It is seriously shopping no-man’s-land around here. I’m traveling to a bigger city next weekend and will hit up the sale racks at Banana and Ann Taylor while I’m there.

    10. I would suggest skirts or pants with some stretch (although I know that’s obvious). I was in this situation after Hurricane Katrina – on the way down weight-wise (eventually lost 90 lbs), took no professional clothes with me when I evacuated (none of them fit anyway) then got a temporary job at a university where the dress policy was a bit more formal than mine. I bought these great stretchy but nice-looking dress pants from Lands End at the local Sears (I was also in a shopping wasteland – my Dad lives in the woods in central PA) in black and khaki and wore them all week. I don’t think anyone knew I only had 2 pairs of paints!. I got some shirts at Target (had to drive an hour) and filled in some at outlet stores. I would suggest the J. Jill ponte pencil skirt (http://www.jjill.com/jjillonline/product/itempage.aspx?item=MU026B&PFID=17&BID=77769564&h=M&sk=M). I have it in every color and it is my favorite skirt – heavy enough that it doesn’t pull up with tights but even works in the heat of summer. and it’s stretchy enough that I don’t have to worry about the usual weight fluctuation.

  22. Do any of you ladies subscribe to any fitness/weight loss blogs/forums? I am slowly lacking in my motivation as I inch toward my goal and start looking and feeling good (*but not quite where I want to be*). Since corporette has done so much for me in the realm of career and fashion, and I thought I could recreate that community geared around health and fitness.

    1. I like fitsugar, they often talk about different fitness clothes, different kinds of exercise and tips (for your first spin class, advancing in yoga, etc.). It verges on the preachy at times but don’t all fitness blogs?

    2. There are a ton of amazing weight loss bloggers out there that I follow:

      priorfatgirl.com
      bethsjourney.com
      skinnyemmie.com
      alltheweigh.com

      The nice thing about looking at one is that you always find links to more!

      1. I second the recommendations for priorfatgirl and alltheweigh. I’d add one of a woman named Sheryl who lives in Brooklyn. I’m not at home so I can’t remember her blog address, but she goes by “Bitchcakes” so you might be able to google her. She recently made lifetime at weight watchers and is generally just uplifting.

        1. second! A few people here recommended myfitnesspal.com to me a couple of months ago, and I’ve lost 6 lbs since. And it’s free! Thanks!

      3. My comment is in moderation for a bad word. I also like priorfatgirl and alltheweigh. I would also google b*tchcakes (hopefully that will get around the moderation). She is awesome and recently achieved lifetime at weight watchers. I find her super motivational.

    3. I really like the fitness board at Makeup Alley. It’s really helpful for questions you might have, and I’ve been inspired by the regulars on there.

    9. On an indirectly related note, I’ve downloaded the Nike Training Club app for my iphone and have really enjoyed the personal trainer feel of the interval work-outs. Might be another way to pep up your motivation!

    10. Thank-you to everyone who recommended weightloss blogs/sites to motivate me. I’m feeling jazzed to have a ton new blogs in my google reader and reinvigorated to meet my goals!

  23. Minor threadjack: inspired by LL, I thought I should introduce myself. I’ve been reading Corporette for several years–and I too have found it to be helpful, comforting and a sorta home. Until I ‘retired’ (I’m still consulting) in June, I worked in Silicon Valley–as a manager in a corporation’s central research unit, where any sort of up-dressing marked one as corporate (not a good thing in that world). There were few other women around, so Corporette became my way of connecting with other professional, albeit just online. [I should mention, that in the town where I lived, other women in my age group were largely SAH-moms–and fairly judgmental ones about working moms at that].

    In June, following DH who took the job of a lifetime, we moved to NYC–and suddenly 99% of my aged clothing doesn’t work–either due to coming from the wrong climate, simply being worn out or because DH’s job (and much of our social life) is more formal. The E. Coast is very different than Silicon Valley–and I would have floundering without Corporette.

    So a belated thanks to all of you.

    Andy

  24. Being next to last in the office means I’m putting various Glee songs on to power through the last few revisions I have to make on this presentation…

    1. Ha I do this all the time! My favorites are Don’t Stop Believin’ (Regionals Version), Forget You, and Take Me or Leave Me.

    2. I thought I was the last person in the office last night, so I was belting out some Usher when one of the partners unexpectedly walked by my open door. Oops.

      1. That happened to me on Tuesday. But with Ke$ha. Slightly more embarrassing?

        1. My love for Ke$ha is also embarrassing but it cannot be helped. I understand. Excellent rocking out while you work music.

        2. I just hope he doesn’t think I actually brush my teeth with a bottle of jack….. that might affect my chances of being hired after my articles….

        3. LOL! Ke$ha is definitely more embarrassing than Usher in my case bc it was “OMG” and not something like, oh, “That’s What It’s Made For,” etc.

          But I’m not judging you for the Ke$ha. It’s on my iPhone, too, so “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

      2. When doing a hardware roll out, only one on the whole floor so loudly singing along to the avenue q soundtrack. Get up from under the desk I’m wiring in to discover my snr pm and the bloke who will become my boss have come to see if I want any takeout. Aggggghhhhhh

      3. This once happened to me on a Sunday night at about 9pm. I was listening to — and singing — Lady Gaga at full volume in my office while finishing something up. Went out to the printer and ran into a partner in the hall. Zero chance that he missed my rendition of Bad Romance.

    3. I love Glee songs, especially Don’t Stop Believing, Like a Prayer, Teenage Dream, and Need You Now. I also really like We Got the Beat from Tuesday’s new episode.

      1. I liked You Can’t Stop the Beat and the broadway kids song. I only really watch for the songs – oh and Brittany and Kurt and Blaine.

    1. Not to sound snarky, But i would prefer if someone just emails the location and place. If we can make it great, if not oh well.

      I doubt with the amount of emails I get and spam filters that I want to be giving my personal, identifying email to an anonymous post listed on the internet.

      1. so make a corporette-only email address, just like AMN did. you can have it forwarded to your actual email.

      2. Did you mean that you prefer someone posts the location and place? I think so, given that you don’t want to receive an e-mail.

        Also, keeping it offline helps track attendees so that an appropriate venue is chosen to meet the size of the group and it minimizes meetup-related posts in the threads since most coordination is done offline.

  26. Wanted to say thanks for two recommendations I’ve read about on Corporette: the Goody Spin Pins and Silver Linings. I have incredibly fine and thin hair – have never been able to wear it up to work. Had a day where there was no way I could do my hair before going to work, so tried the Spin Pins and my hair stayed put all day! It was amazing! I’ve also ordered 2 more boxes of the silver linings and have them in almost all of my shoes at this point. They’re keeping my from ruining the insides of my nice shoes with sweat and dead skin, so totally worth the money!

    1. Ooh, glad to hear you like the Spin Pins. I keep reading about them on blogs but haven’t taken the plunge yet — they look kind of strange, but hey, if they work, that’s all that matters! Thanks for the rec.

  27. For all of the attorneys out there:

    Do you wear suits to depositions (defending or taking)? I usually do wear a suit if I am conducting, or to the first deposition in the case (taking or defending). Lately, I notice that most attorneys don’t show up in a full suit. I don’t want to look like a total novice (which I am not, I have been practicing for 5 years) and show up overdressed, but I feel like it makes a stronger impression to show up in a suit, than in regular professional work clothes.
    By way of background, I practice in the Bay Area, where, I find the legal profession is a bit more casual.

    Also, any strategies on professional dress when it is very hot outside?

    1. Former litigator here… my deposition attire depended on the type of case and witness. Sophisticated business litigation? Suit. Deposing the plaintiff in a case driven by a plaintiff’s attorney? Biz cas. (Without exception, my opposing counsel would be in jeans, and I always wondered if wearing biz cas instead of suit might make me seem less like the expensive attorney for the big bad insurance company to the plaintiff and more like someone s/he could develop a rapport with.) Deposing medical expert in the same case? Suit. Also worth considering what your supervising partners will think about biz cas v. full suit. If I had a depo in our offices, I would have worn a suit–the partner I worked with would have viewed me as under dressed in biz cas, regardless of the fact that both the witness and his attorney were in jeans.

      Although I often fantasized about it, I could never bring myself to wear jeans to a depo, although I’ve seen plenty of plaintiffs’ attorneys do it (one even wore board shorts and flip flops, but let’s just not go there).

    2. It’s been a few years since I was taking depos (now in-house) & I’m in the Bay Area too & have noticed things getting more casual. These days, I go to depos/mediations, etc. in a dress & heels, I’ll do a blazer/skirt kind of thing. I wouldn’t care if my OC did the same thing.

    3. Adding to what Herbie wrote, when defending, I also think about my clients and whether they are sophisticated enough to feel comfortable with a lawyer in biz casual or whether they need the reassurance of the full monkey suit.

    4. Now that I’m older, generally, if I’m taking the deposition I don’t wear a suit. That way the witness feels more relaxed/less intimidated/more forthcoming since they don’t feel like they’re being grilled by an attorney. The exception is when the witness is a more sophisticated, business type. If that’s the case I do wear a suit even when taking the depo so as to project a certain sense of status. Same if I’m defending – ie. in which case I usually wear a suit to add to the sense of security of the witness I’m defending. I think it’s harder for young women associates who are just starting out to pull off not wearing a suit though. If anything just to avoid feeling like a little girl when dealing with an older misogynist type opposing counsel. I’d be interested in hearing others thoughts on this issue.

    5. I am in the Bay Area and I always wear a suit. I never would consider not wearing one. I have seen people not wear suits before but I find that their clients usually look embarrassed when all the other lawyers show up in suits. I do not think you would ever seem overdressed in a suit.

    6. I always wear a suit, but I think very carefully about what top I wear underneath. I always want to feel 100% comfortable removing my jacket, which I often do if there is a more casual feel. That means no sleeveless shells, and nothing that makes me panicky about sweat.

      I will skip pantyhose for depos, which helps with the temperature regulation. I’m almost always the only woman in the room, plus you spend your day sitting with your legs under a table where no one can see them, anyway.

      Lots of attorneys do not wear a full suit, and I would consider doing business casual under the right conditions. (Along the lines of what Herbie describes above.) However, I battle “looking young” and I think a suit helps a little bit. So for now, suit.

      1. Thanks for all the input. Sometimes, when it is very hot, I will wear a “dress suit” instead. I also look very “young” but I like to think that my skills speak for themselves, and that I don’t need to try to look extra formal just because of my age. I also use my “young” look to my advantage. ie: individuals that I am deposing don’t ever feel threatened by me or my questions because I look innocent. They have no idea that its all strategic. They trust me. I get the info I need.

        Again, thank you all. It is obviously a very situational call.

        On a side note, this was my first ever post on this cite, though I follow religiously, and it has been highly addictive to read everyone’s posts all wknd! Eep!

        1. Also, most of the attorney’s at my firm are men, and they wear jeans with a blazer to depos. I find that very odd. I don’t think I could ever do that. Last week, I saw a pregnant female attorney at my firm in leggings and a black sweater. I also found that very strange (esp cause that was a deposition for a very large class action).

  28. Avid follower of Corporette but never posted before. I could use some perspective on career priorities.

    I am extremely happy in my current job. I feel lucky to be in this situation, as I think many other law firms would make me miserable. However, I worry that I will get stuck here forever if I do not diversify while I am still young/ mid-level. The work I do is quite specialized. I have almost 10 years of experience, but most of it would be meaningless to a new employer.

    The only downside to my current job is the pay. I am underpaid relative to my experience. This is likely going to get worse over time. There are no real opportunities for advancement either.

    I don’t want to look back in 10 years and feel bitter about lost opportunities. But I am also hesitant to leave a job I love. Should I take the plunge and start looing now?

    1. Wondering why if your work is quite specialized, it would be meaningless to a new employer?

    3. I suggesting informally talking to others in similar positions and learn about the pros and cons of other potential employers.

      Obviously, I can’t offer a law perspective, but I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. My job had a lot of pluses – but I was severely underpaid. I felt loyalty to my boss and wasn’t sure how to transition. I didn’t specifically look for another job, but I started to keep my ears open and ask questions. I learned about another employer in the area where people were very happy (and a few where people were not). I was actually eventually forced to find a new job and my research paid off. I’m now with that employer and so happy. I miss some of the advantages of my old job, but overall, this is a much better set up: appropriate pay and opportunity for advancement with a good employer.

      1. Suzy, I’m in a similar situation but in a creative field. It helped me to explore my options, knowing that I had a stable job to fall back on. For me, that meant having coffee with influential people in my field (or in fields that interested me that were slightly different), applying to jobs that interested me, and working on freelance projects on the side to expand my skill set. Worst case scenario, you may find that there’s nothing out there that you want to pursue right now, which makes your current situation seem more appealing! But you may find something that intrigues you. Exploring your options can’t hurt. Good luck!

  29. Rant: If you work in a small room with 8 other people, 3 of whom have small children, don’t come in to work when you’re violently ill! I get you want the hours, but you work in a call center and you can’t talk. Also, I had a very busy weekend planned which I’m now going to have to completely cancel because you gave me your vicious cold.

  30. So you remember our conversation (thanks to a helpful tip from SF Bay Associate, I think) about pants sizing and how cheap pants are cut in stacks of 20 so one pair of pants may be significantly smaller than another in the same “size”?

    Anyway, I had never had this problem before, but today I received three pairs of jeans I’d ordered from Old Navy, all in the same size and style (the Sweetheart) but in different washes. Two of them fit great, but to my great dismay, one (of course, the one in the wash I liked the most) I could not even pull over my thighs. In the name of Science, I pulled out my handy-dandy tape measure. The thigh of the ones that didn’t fit were a full two inches smaller (per thigh) than the thigh of the ones that did fit!

    Grr. So annoyed, especially b/c there’s no Old Navy near me for in-person returns so I guess I’ll have to shell out for return shipping. Do you think I could claim them as a defective product, since the other ones in my size fit perfectly?

        1. Wow, so for once Canadians get a better shipping deal?! I think that’s the first time I’ve seen that happen. Our returns are free.

    2. i would definitely claim defective, and say they are ‘mis-sized’ … that’s ridiculous!

    3. Old Navy is horrible for this…I own a pair of jeans (white bootcut ones) in a 6 and another pair with the same “fit” (blue skinnies) in a 10. You reallllly have to try on every pair of jeans there – they just don’t use the same size models even for jeans in the same line.

    4. That’s a chronic problem with ON. In store, I try on three of the exact same item in the same size, because they will all fit differently. One of the main reasons I hardly ever shop there. I would call it a defective “mis-size.”

      FYI. Exchanges are free. Returns are $6. ON is different than Gap, in that you must return within 45 days (I think… check the exact number).

      1. 45 days for the Gap and BR too. I got burned when they changed that policy and I didn’t realize it.

      2. Old Navy is 45 days online and 90 in store in the US. Gap is 30 for store purchases and 45 for online purchases. I think Banana is the same as Gap. It’s maddening, isn’t it?

    1. I have seen it in person. The shoulder/upper chest area is completely sheer. You will need a strapless bra or your bra straps will be completely visible. The rest of it is just like a regular tee, not sheer at all.

  32. Staying anon for this one.

    I’m being deposed in a medical malpractice case. To be very unspecific, I was involved in a case where something happened to a patient that was clearly less than ideal, and did lead to long term harm, but does not, in my opinion, meet any sort of standard for not meeting the standard of care, or show any sort of negligence. Mostly, I have significant, deep emotions, especially anger, that the patient is suing a colleague of mine as I feel as though the whole situation is terribly unjust.

    Going forward, anyone have any tips for my deposition? I’m being deposed by the plaintiff, and will be represented by the attorneys who are representing my colleague (we both worked for a large self insured institution). How can I be truthful and honest, but help my dear colleague as much as possible, as I think he’s getting a raw deal.

    Also, short note to add that I have STRONG feelings about medical malpractice in this country, and feel sorry for this patient, who had something terrible happen to him and probably deserves some sort of compensation for it, but not at the expense of my colleagues livelihood or reputation.

    1. If the facts show that he didn’t breach the standard of care or was not negligent, the most helpful thing for your colleague is to stick to those facts. Stick to the facts and if they are in your colleague’s favor, it will shake out appropriately.

      If your lawyer objects that a question calls for speculation, please keep your mouth shut.

      Finally, a word to the wise – sometimes plaintiffs lawyers have to take these depos so they can show their clients that pursuing the claims against the doctor will not be successful.

    2. [I should preface this comment with the fact that I am the daughter of a woman who was injured on the job, and in seeking compensation, was completely jacked-over thanks to big business and a judge’s lack of caring, so I don’t have a lot of frocks to give about a corporation’s feelings. I might give more frocks if I had more info. I might not. Reader beware.]

      I’m confused, Anon. Is your question, what could you say about your colleague’s less-than-ideal care that led to long-term harm for a patient, that would be truthful and honest and help out the person who provided the less-than-ideal care that led to long-term harm for a patient?

      What could you say? Yes, there is permanent injury- but look at that scar, all the ladies will be digging him? Yes, the patient won’t be able to work again- but she was always saying how nice it would be for some time off? No, he won’t have a normal childhood- but there were lollipops & stickers after the appointments!

      I don’t really see how you could be truthful THEN honest THEN help your buddy out. You could reverse the order- help him out, THEN be truthful, THEN be honest. Of course, if it got out that you lied about one thing, they could suspect your friend of convincing you to lie. Then he’d have been accused to negligence and witness tampering. (Right? I’m going off of two years of business law and a half-season of “Franklin and Bash” here, people…)

      Besides, Google tells me that “[I]n the great majority of cases, your doctor will not lose his or her license to practice medicine. In fact, he or she will continue to practice medicine during and after the lawsuit, regardless of whether or not they are found liable for the injury… It is only in those rare cases where a doctor is found to have committed a grossly negligent act, or attempted to falsify medical records, that he or she may face a revocation of their medical license.”

      There was going to be a quote of the Hippocratic oath right here, but it was long and boring and I’ve already reached my ellipses quota for the week, so we’re going straight into a lecture. Look, you Ellen-say that you have strong feelings about malpractice, but then you say the patient “probably” deserves compensation and that you don’t want it to frock up your colleague’s livelihood.

      What about the patient’s livelihood? Will the patient be able to work again? Do they have kids? Do you know how long the wait is for Social Security disability is in this country? That family is going to have to figure out some way to survive without a steady income- and SSI will never come close to replacing a person’s lost income. Not to mention the depression that can often accompany becoming disabled, which affects the patient, their partner, their kids, and even close friends & family.

      This person’s life is now frocked up, possibly forever, but your friend will probably not even lose his license. Perspective: please try to find some.

      1. You know, some claims are meritorious, some are not. We don’t really have enough information to know which type of claim this is. OP should just answer the questions honestly and straightforwardly. Answer the question asked and no more. Hope the just result shakes out in the end.

        1. +5 Little Lurker points

          (for calling out an over-the-top post with a pop cultural reference)

    3. My stepmother is in the medical field, and got deposed last year after a clearly less than ideal outcome for a patient, but in her opinion did not show any sort of negligence. She too was very angry, and she thought if she just had a chance to explain what happened, then they would realize the case was crap and it would go away. She wanted to protect the doctor she was working with who was lead for the patient’s case. She was also represented by her hospital’s attorney. All of this is to say, you sound just like her.

      I’m an attorney and it took me literally weeks of repeating to her that the entire purpose of the deposition was for the plaintiff to find nuggets of testimony that he could twist into something to help him, so any time she felt like “explaining” would result in disaster. There was nothing she could say in the deposition that would make this case go away. So don’t try.

      So, my advice to her, and my advice to you is, you want to help? LISTEN TO YOUR ATTORNEY. S/he will make objections – pay attention to them and think about what the objection is about. “Calls for speculation” means watch what you say – don’t guess. If you know, answer truthfully, but don’t guess. LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THE QUESTION, PAUSE, THEN ANSWER ONLY AND PRECISELY THE QUESTION ASKED. Do not explain, do not expand, do not try to be “helpful” to your colleague. Volunteer nothing. If your attorney is good, s/he will go back at the end and ask the right question, at which point you can be helpful. Be honest and precise in your answers. Do not be evasive – it looks and sounds terrible.

      If you don’t understand a question or a term, ask for clarification. Be polite at all times. Your deposition will probably be videotaped, so watch your facial expressions. No rolling your eyes. No sighing. Do not get angry or frustrated. Stay calm, cool, collected, and attentive at all times. Help your colleague by being 1000% professional in your demeanor.

      Make your attorney do a mock deposition as ‘bad cop’ and ‘garden path cop.’ If s/he’s reluctant, warn him/her that you’re tempted to go off the rails so you need to practice. Your colleague will also need mock depos.

      Be polite to the court reporter. S/he can clean up the “ums” and “ahs” in your testimony’s transcript if s/he likes you, which will make you look better. One way to get him/her to like you is to not talk too quickly, and to pause after each question, which you should be doing anyway so you can think about your answer.

      Your time to rail about medmal is absolutely not in this deposition.

      1. Excellent advice! Listen to the question and resist the urge to offer more info than is actually being asked for. Answer truthfully, directly, without using more words than necessary.

    4. Getting deposed. Fun times. I had a situation at work where I was basically deposed by two lawyers. (It wasn’t an official deposition; it was an internal investigation where I was compelled to testify and had to sign a Garrity Writ. That was awesome.) Anyhow, they asked me a question, I gave a detailed answer, and the lawyer who asked the question, asked the same exact question again, only worded slightly differently. I literally had a moment where I thought I was going insane. I’m sure I looked confused and dumbfounded, and add to that I was visibly pregnant, so the other lawyer must have taken pity on me and told their colleague to lay off.

      The point being: lawyers are trained to draw answers out of people and one technique is to ask the same question over and over, in different ways, in hopes of tripping up the person testifying . Rather than looking shocked and confused, like I did, I think the best way to handle that type of situation is to simply say, “I have already answered that question.” And then stop talking until they ask you a different question.

    5. My advice for anyone being deposed (or giving any sort of testimony) is:

      1. Be honest. Answer questions truthfully.
      2. Be concise. Answer ONLY what is asked; don’t expand on your answer or ramble. (E.g. if the lawyer asks “What time did Mr. Smith arrive?” say “He arrived at 8pm,” not “He arrived at 8pm, and he was kind of frazzled and said he’d gotten stuck in traffic.”
      3. Listen to and trust your lawyer.

      1. I second this. Your credibility is important, so be honest and direct, but not overly chatty. Answer the questions as asked ~ don’t be evasive and think you’re clever enough to outsmart the lawyers in the room who’ve probably done this more times than you can imagine. Really listen to the questions ~ answer what you’re asked, not what you think you’re being asked. Give honest answers, not what you think the lawyers want to hear. And don’t say more than necessary. If the lawyers want detail, they can ask you for it.

    6. Be careful who you ask for advice on this. Most lawyers will ask you “what did you do to prepare for this deposition?” Some may ask, did you speak to anyone other than your lawyer? Did you do any independent research? Have you discussed this case with anyone? etc. You don’t want to be in a position where you have to say “I posted on a blog asking for advice” and then having to produce your post and answers.

    7. The best advice has been given above — listen carefully to the question, answer only what has been asked, and then STOP (i.e., shut up). Do not volunteer any information — at all.

      Here’s the question I “sneak in” to every depo prep I’ve ever done, in order to illustrate this point: “Do you know what time it is?” And in every single prep I’ve ever done , without exception, even after hearing these simple rules, the person answers “2:15” (or whatever). WRONG. The answer is yes or no. Almost always no, unless you’ve just looked at your watch. It’s a good training exercise, because a depo is not a conversation. Then right before the depo, I ask the question again, as a reminder.

  33. I’m attending a black tie charity event in NYC this fall. I’m from the Midwest and I’ve never been to anything like this before. Please help me figure out what to wear–long or short dress, stores to look for a dress, hair, shoes, etc. Thanks.

    1. Not sure where to shop in the midwest, but could you look online for photos of the same event in years past? It might give you the best idea of what to look for at whatever stores are near you.

    2. I have been to a bunch and have never been to one where everyone was in a long gown. Usually the majority of women were in cocktail dresses and strappy sandals. Hair can be however you want – up or down – as long as it looks nice.

    3. I’d suggest wearing a gown. Black tie means tuxes for men and gowns for women, although as other commenters have pointed out, the casual-fication of everything means many women will wear short dresses. But a formal gown is a wardrobe staple you’ll use again and again for years, so this is a good occasion to buy one. I’d suggest heading to an upscale department store like Nordstrom, although stores like BR, AT, and J Crew are increasingly offering special occasion dresses.

      For shoes, this is your big chance to wear something satiny and strappy if you want. Stay away from basic pumps. Hair, do whatever makes you feel pretty and special. I’d avoid bridesmaid-esque shellacked updos, but that may just be my personal preference.

  34. Lawyerly etiquette question here. I was just offered an associate position at a firm, and I accepted. I have been looking to leave my current firm for almost a year, so I’m walking on air right now.

    How do I graciously tell Firm #2 that I have accepted another position, along with the person who recommended me to that firm, without irritating the firm or the recommender? I really value my professional relationship with the person who recommended me. Firm #2 told me 1) it had already filled the position and would have cancelled the interview but for the rec, 2) asked me how I felt about doing some admin work, and 3) requested I meet another partner next week. What is the appropriate way to tell them and call off the second interview? After writing all of that I don’t feel like they are that interested anyhow.

    It is arguably a lame question, but it is casting a shadow on my new job happiness.

    1. Congrats on the new job! First, I would call the person who gave the recommendation. You should talk to him/her, rather than just shooting over an email for example. Obviously say how grateful you are for the recommendation, but you feel you had a better fit with Firm #1. The recommender will be able to give you the best advice about how to pass on the news to Firm #2.

  35. I got new boots! And a new feminine laptopbag.
    So I’m ready for fall :-)

    My employer gave me a new small+good laptop, and the fast trains have free internet so now I can surf the net while on my way to see my mom.

    2. oooh, that’s nice. But I just bought the medium Pippa bag in black, so that’s it for my budget for a while.

  37. Hi all
    A doc here who reads this blog ,I had to comment today as i read the medical litigation.Worst of all am an obgyn(God save me).
    First of all let me tell you i wanted to be obgyn from first day of my medical school and with Gods grace I did.I love my profession and pay a hefty malpractise insurance too.But believe me as docs none of us want to make mistakes but as humans we all do.Can you believe nowadays as we speak to patients either one of the relative is typing what all we say ,to the point of Is,Am ,Are.They type each sentence then take print outs ,distribute among themselves,google it and then with prying eyes try to find faults,treat our staff badly. For the love of God can anyone explain me how we can be frank or friendly with such people, Because it makes us so uncomfortable .I am not asking for anything but at least show some respect.In our minds we are always analysing who can harm me or not..i believe we should Treat others the way you want to be treated.Sorry am all over the place.

    And for my wardrobe i love my scrubs.
    take care
    earth

    s

    1. I think this issue affects all of us who work in professions that put us in a position to have a big impact on people’s lives. I can’t imagine the life-or-death pressure of being a doctor, but even in law, you have to cover your you-know-what. We all make mistakes and, in a perfect world, we’d have nothing to fear because malpractice requires going beyond simply making an honest mistake. In reality, the fear of being sued makes doing certain kinds of work very stressful.

    2. Have you read the research that indicates that docs who take ownership of outcomes and do human things like apologize actually have lesser chances of being sued and lower awards when sued than those who don’t?

      I’m sorry you’re having interactions like that with your patient base. It must be very discouraging.

  38. On the hunt for a new wallet. I have used a Hobo Lauren (I have two different colors) for several years now. I love that it is big enough to fit a tube of lip gloss and my Blackberry when I run out of the office to grab lunch or coffee, so I don’t need to carry a purse in addition to my work bag.

    But, I recently switched from a Blackberry to a Droid, and the magnets that hold the two sides of the clutch together do something funky to it. When I take it out and look at the screen, voice commands are turned on, maps are updating, always something funky. So, I would like something without magnets.

    This week, I had wallet envy of two that showed up in the comments — a deep purple Lodis and a teal croc Kate Spade. Would love a nice bright color if possible. I am not a fan of chains or handles/straps (which I why I love the Lauren so much). Any thoughts or suggestions? Thanks, ladies!

  39. I love this one: http://www.endless.com/HOBO-INTERNATIONAL-Amica-Wallet/dp/B0053OPMJ2/ref=sr_1_77?ie=UTF8&cAsin=B0053OPOTA&fromPage=search&sr=1-77&qid=1316888236829&asins=B004GNDN0Q%2CB0051E7SSM%2CB0051E8NOA%2CB004GNH8OS%2CB00305GS8K%2CB0058M9R36%2CB0051TE07O%2CB002ONBGPY%2CB0053OQONK%2CB00305GS4Y%2CB0051E8P6G%2CB0039VDBS0%2CB004I457E8%2CB003ELQAJM%2CB004JLM8T2%2CB003H4RMUW%2CB003E7F4WA%2CB00554TK34%2CB0053OWK9M%2CB004KJF6X8%2CB004KZP3HG%2CB0052WQSZW%2CB004EWESR6%2CB004I5BRAU%2CB003WEANKS%2CB000PVI1PK%2CB0054LCY2C%2CB0051E7S1O%2CB001V7ROSW%2CB004K6KVUE%2CB004I457YI%2CB004JXWKNY%2CB002G9BC0K%2CB004ZILNDG%2CB004CLYQ9E%2CB0053ORCGI%2CB004I457UM%2CB004IYK004%2CB0057NOD3A%2CB0052GF4QM%2CB004R9P59Q%2CB004KZP3JY%2CB001V7ROKA%2CB004IYJZ64%2CB0053OROGQ%2CB004MYEXAS%2CB004KKX620%2CB00509T5S4%2CB004I5BRLY%2CB0053ORBPK%2CB003JZMB00%2CB0052GR01O%2CB004MYUC5I%2CB004IYK0IQ%2CB0052GED46%2CB0051TDX0O%2CB0053OUNB4%2CB004QGXLHS%2CB00509T6DI%2CB0052GQZBU%2CB005DQ6KXC%2CB003E8RCCE%2CB004R9P3TI%2CB001V7ROQE%2CB001NMT8D4%2CB00413QC0Y%2CB0058NDBGO%2CB0051E7Z5I%2CB004LQ0L30%2CB0050HDQ6I%2CB004R9P532%2CB004ASOZE0%2CB003P2VM2K%2CB0053OUW3S%2CB004QGYBIQ%2CB004W3VUGY%2CB0053OPOTA%2CB004Y4R42K%2CB0052GMENI%2CB001XUQWCQ%2CB004JXW570%2CB004XYD5XS%2CB004JLMZRM%2CB00305GDEE%2CB004RMLM0Y%2CB0039VFGOW%2CB004EWGCUM%2CB004WFQR1U%2CB004ZILOU8%2CB004WFO7AS%2CB004PHFB6M%2CB004ASP094%2CB004TNL31Y%2CB002NKM6A2%2CB002VIDSA8%2CB0050HDR3K%2CB0052GM9V0%2CB0052WQSKC%2CB003E7EMV4%2CB001L3PET2&asinTitle=HOBO%20INTERNATIONAL%20Amica%20Wallet&contextTitle=search%20results&clientPageSize=100&node=2054589011&sort=relevance-fs-browse-rank

    It comes in both teal and purple.

  40. Hosiery?
    I am looking for hose that look good on very pale legs (Irish heritage, religious use of sunscreen) but don’t make the legs look extra-pale.

    I usually go without hose or wear opaque black tights in the winter, but there are a couple of occasions coming up where I want to look a little more polished, and that means skin colored hose (which i generally hate)

    I am tall, 34″ inseam, and size 14/16 so I’m specifically looking for a line that has at least A,B,C,D sizing, vs. the typical A,B,Q.

    thanks in advance!

    1. I have similar coloring. I went into the Macy’s hosiery department and asked the sales associate to guide me to their palest hose. She gave me a couple of examples, and let me take them out of the package to test against the arm. I loved the ones I ended up with (which I think were the lightest shade of a brand that included the word “silken expressions” — I know what the package looks like, but can’t find it). I’d think your best bet is do something similar at Macy’s or a nicer dep’t store with a large hosiery section. There are a lot of “nude” selections these days, and you won’t get stuck with “ivory” or something similarly artificial looking.

      And, FWIW, I don’t think you should worry about whether your legs look extra pale. Your legs should look the color of your legs. For you, and for me, that happens to be extra pale. But I’m sick of feeling bad about the color of my skin. I refuse to do it any more, and I don’t think you should either!

      1. I hear you – I guess I meant I don’t want nurse-uniform-colored legs, just the actual color of my legs! Defintiely not L’Eggs Nude or Suntan – which is what turned me off nude hose to begin with.

    2. I am part of the Alabaster Brigade as well. Kat suggested Donna Karan’s “The Nudes” months (if not years) ago, and I’ve been hooked since I tried them.

      1. You’re talking probably about Hanes Silk Expressions (I think is the name, close anyway). I like the “little color” in it but also truly love Donna Karan “nudes.” They really do match my skintone.

    3. Hue! The “No Waistband” kind is my favorite but I’ve liked every style I’ve tried. They in a super-pale sheer shade that looks natural on my day-glo legs, and they come in five sizes.

    4. Thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to Macy’s tomorrow and will absolutely try each one of these suggestions – Silk Expressions, Donna Karan Nudes and Hue. Thank you!!!

    5. HI–I am 34+ inseam and a 12/14 (with very skinny legs). I love Donna Karan as well, but it’s very pricy. My go-to daily hose are Silk Expressions from Hanes, which I get from OneHanesPlace.com (their overstock site). You can buy in bulk. I am “Irish” pale pasty, so I wear Travel Buff which is very pale (but I’m OK with looking pasty as tan legwear would look ridiculous on me).

      Other options for tall colored tights–LongTallSally (they have great leggings as well) or, if you are in the UK, Marks and Spencer. I have tights from there that are seasons old, and they are still fantastic (and cut for longer-legged ladies). Also, if you are traveling in Northern Europe at all, search for legwear there–talls are very commonplace. Hope that helps.

    6. I’m pretty pale myself. I’ve been buying from OneHanesPlace in the “Travel Buff” color.

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