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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 356 Comments · by

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Under $150· Weekend Open Thread

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kate spade new york 'jewelbar' long station necklaceSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS, YOU GUYS! In keeping with Corporette tradition the posting will be lighter for the next week or so, but stay tuned for some year-end round-ups of my favorite clothes, suits, accessories, and posts (and feel free to use those as new open threads if you like). For the last Weekend Open Thread of 2012, I am dying for these long necklaces from Kate Spade, which kind of remind me of those long Chanel necklaces I've been ogling — but in a more fun, happy, affordable package. Each necklace is $98 at Nordstrom. kate spade new york ‘jewelbar' long station necklace (L-3)  

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Aline

    Is 2 months too soon to get engaged? I met Henry on Halloween at a party, and now he’s going to ask me to marry him at my parents house on Christmas. I think it’s too soon but he’s already bought a ring and is very insistent. Am I wrong? What am I supposed to do? Henry’s dad is my father’s boss. Help!!!!!!

    • ELLENWatch

      Have Dad work it out with Henry’s father. They know best, and your NOT getting any younger. Just make sure not to give up any free milk before the big day. Congrat’s from all of your friends at ELLENWatch!

    • saacnmama

      Dating your dad’s boss’ dad? Sounds very scary to me! Like a reversal of the 50s (?) song “Down in the Boondocks”. Seriously, you have to be very sure before any marriage, and the more links there are between families, the more certain you have to be. Your dad’s life should not dictate your destiny, but it does sound like something to be very careful about.

      I know that sounds harsh, and I hope it doesn’t sound flip. I’m just picturing the pressure you’re under now, and how it would change (grow) if you are married and having some disagreement or, the thing no one wants to consider when they’re in love, are contemplating divorce. Henry is already “very insistent” that he’s going to ask you? Shouldn’t he ask and be nervous about your response because what you think and feel are important to him? If you want to wear the ring, go ahead, but make sure you’re not doing it because you somehow feel you have to.

      Successfully/happily married women, did looking at your engagement ring make you feel anything but happy?

  2. zora

    ok, we’ve done the holiday songs and the baking, now i think it’s time for the Holiday Movie Thread:

    cough it up, favorite holiday movies, the more embarassing the better ;o)
    my must-watches:

    Edward Scissorhands
    Serendipity (John Cusack’s pseudo-mullet, love it!)
    Muppets Christmas Carol

    • NOLA

      I love Serendipity! Not sure if I was thinking of it as a holiday movie.

      My fave is Love Actually.

    • Equity's Darling

      Yesssss! Muppet’s Christmas Carol! I love the song with Marley and Marley. Best Christmas move ever. I also like their Muppet’s Treasure Island movie a lot.

      I also love the cartoon version of the Grinch, and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and Love Actually. I also love the Santa Clause, but not because it’s good, more because I have fond memories of watching it as a child.

  3. Jen

    Your definition of “affordable” has become quite out of touch for those of us who don’t have the luxury of lighting cash on fire.

  4. Anonymous

    Hey everyone in the Greenwich CT area — the Talbots on Greenwich Ave is closing and everything is 50-70% off sale prices. I was there on Saturday and it was definitely worth a hunt!

  5. Advice please

    RGA for this – got in a big fight with my husband and I am just really in a state. Please, ladies – your wisdom in this would be greatly appreciated.

    So my husband and I are at his parents – we got here today and are leaving on Wednesday. I generally get along with his mom and dad, although his mom makes weird statements sometimes to me when she’s drunk. (more on that later.)
    We’ve been together 10 years, married for 8. Anyway, his parents are huge drinkers – my husband was the one who first pointed out that they might have a problem, as I hadn’t noticed myself, initially. My husband drinks regularly but definitely not overly. I stopped drinking about 4-5 years back, but I am comfortable with my husband’s drinking. He seems to generally get that I don’t mind his drinking at all, but I get these weird feeling sometimes that he’s defensive of it. Like I came home a few months back after going to a work thing on a Friday, and I said, upon finding an empty wine bottle in the kitchen, “Whoa, you finished that whole bottle?!” very teasingly, because polishing off a bottle in one night by himself isn’t his style and very atypical. But his reaction was really defensive, and he kind of snapped at me with a “Yeah, so what?” We worked it out the next day but it was unnecessarily tense.
    So today, we get here and are having a fine time. His parents’ neighbors were having a party and his mom asks if we can stop in, 30 minutes tops. Well, we end up staying for 3 hours and my mother in law has 3 big glasses of wine and just starts slurring. I wasn’t watching how much she drank – she herself kept saying, to my FIL and my husband, “I’ve only had 3 glasses of wine! But maybe they were huge glasses!” Like that was her refrain for the last hour of the party. She also kept saying, “Well, Daughter in law’s going to have to cook because I ain’t cooking tonight now,” presumably because she got drunk. (She’d set out a bunch stuff for thawing earlier.) She also said something really dumb like, “You’re such a big b*tch,” supposedly “jokingly,” when I didn’t let her go ahead of me when we were exiting. And she laughed uproariously and said she was kidding. But still, she said it all loudly and it was still obnoxious. Anyway, we walk back to his parents place. His dad asks what we’re going to eat since the MIL can’t cook. They determine we should go out to eat, and my husband and FIL ask if I can drive. That’s when I realize they’re really drunk too.
    Here’s the thing. Where his parents live is very mountainous. They moved here 4 years ago, and I’ve still never driven bc around here I’m too much of a wuss. I’m from the Midwest, and do my fair share of driving, but that’s not like this. With all of them being drunk, there was of course no question of them driving, but I still figured I could so long as it was close. I should add I don’t have the best night vision, either, and it was night by this point. But I asked if the restaurant was close, and my husband and FIL said yes. Had it not been, I’d have just said we should stay home and order.
    Anyway, I start driving, and it turns out it’s ten miles away. And I’m on the road, it’s dark, and drizzly, and curvy, and finally, about halfway through, I say something quietly to my husband about how I’m really tense. And he says, impatiently, these are flat roads! Which – they’re not. And his dad hears, and says, “Honestly, I’m okay hon, I can drive.” And crazy as it is – I let him. Because by that point, I’m shaking and scared and just breaking over and over, and I genuinely thought he’d be better behind the wheel.
    So his dad gets behind the wheel, and starts driving, and it is freaking terrifying. I was probably still keyed up (btw, I’m normally not a tense weirdo like this) but it felt like we were swerving a lot and I was just genuinely terrified. I put on my seatbelt in the back, which I normally don’t even think about, and I just was stock still and freaked out of my mind in the back. I sent my husband a text saying, “Sweetie, if you would please don’t drink anything at the restaurant so you could drive back.”
    Finally, we make it to the restaurant, and we’re walking out and I see he looks at his phone. He kind of smiled at me and squeezed my arm.
    We sit down, we start ordering, of course his parents get drinks – and my husband starts looking at the drink menu. And I thought – okay. Maybe he didn’t see what I wrote??? And I asked him if he got my text, and he said, “Yeah, but I’m just getting a beer.” And I said, “Babe – wait, you’re serious?” And his face got cold (sorry to sound so dramatic, but that’s really how it seemed) and he said, “I’m getting one beer with my dinner.” He went on that he’d only had 3, but likely it was more, as he was slurring. And on top of that, he’s on Lexapro and so even just a few drinks makes a big difference.
    Honestly, I thought I would start crying. I couldn’t believe it. No apology for the car ride, not even a “hey, are you okay.” Instead, he just got cold. And I said to him, “I will freak the f*ck out if you have a drink.” And he glared at me, and then rolled his eyes and looked away. He ended up ordering a coke, but I could tell he was angry.
    I tried to make the best of it. I hid my feelings the rest of the dinner bc I didn’t want to make a scene. (All our drink convo up to this point was in low tones, and his parents, on the other side of the booth, couldn’t hear.) So everything seemed fine, he was mollified, and he reached out to me and we held hands for a second. I had to push my anger away for that time.
    So we came back, and still didn’t talk about it. I’m sure he thought it was fine. We hung out with his parents, they went to bed, and he sort of affectionately reached over and said, “What’s up.” And that’s when I said, very calmly – “Listen. I’m really upset about tonight.” And he made a face and said, “WHY.” And I told him, “I was terrified in the car, both when I was driving and then when your dad was driving, and the whole experience was awful. And you’d think that you’d have wanted to make me feel better, and instead you argued with me about a beer.” And his response? He rolled his eyes, and said, “Um, I don’t remember you ever having a problem driving before.” And that’s what he proceeded to argue with me about. I told him that I couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to see my side on this, and that I was trying to just tell him what I felt without being upset or nasty.
    No apology. No nothing. I’m honestly so angry and upset, I just want to leave. I’ve used up almost all my vacation this year visiting his parents; we were here this summer, too. And I can’t believe I have to stay here until Wednesday.
    Please let me know your thoughts.

    • Gone Anon

      First of all, I hope that just getting all that down made you feel a little better. That does sound both stressful and scary all at the same time. I don’t think I’m the best to offer advice, because I come from a very alcoholic family, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.
      I think it’d be best to discuss with DH either in the morning or after you leave your inlaw’s. I imagine tomorrow and the next day might be a replay? I know that my family tends to party pretty intense on the actual holidays, do you have outings planned, or is it in their home? It sounds like he’s defensive, and these conversations are always best had when they are the most sober as you can get them.
      As far as driving, I know it can be unnerving driving in a place you are unfamiliar with, but perhaps if you find yourself in that situation again, go as slow as you like (first of all, if any drivers are behind you and are annoyed, they can whine all they want, your safety is first, and second of all, if your in laws are three sheets to the wind, you going 20 mph around the mountains will feel like they are riding with the Jamaican Bobsled Team in their state!) Perhaps in that situation, remind yourself that at that point, that’s something you have control of.
      Do you think DH does have a problem? Or is developing one?
      Best of luck dear, we’re here for you. Please, please stay safe.

      • Advice please

        Gone Anon, you almost made me cry just in replying so quickly in itself, and then doing so with such compassion. Thank you for this kindness, and also for the advice.
        I feel just so disrespected and hurt by my husband. It indicates a sense of — entitlement, or taking me for granted – that makes me feel a little sick.

        • Gone Anon

          I randomly checked the open thread tonight, and I’ve been in your situation before (with my father, not a FIL, etc., so it is a little different but I can understand the pure fear and feeling of helplessness) so I couldn’t help but try to offer some sort of words <3
          I do feel rather incompetent to offer advice on dealing with your husband, but I will say this. If he does have a problem, the hard part of being the family of a drinker is that it always feels like they love the bottle more than you. I always hope it's not true, but I think that's a feeling that many children/spouses of alcoholics deal with. However, maybe he doesn't have a drinking problem at all (lord knows I go through phases where I drink a few glasses of wine after work–I had a few wrapping presents tonight!) Could there be something bothering him, at work maybe, that he is trying to relax a little at home?

    • SoCalAtty

      First, you were 100% right to be totally terrified. I’m very used to driving on mountainous, curvy, scary and snowy roads and I don’t like doing it at night, and I can’t imagine doing it in an area I’m not familiar with if I wasn’t already ok driving those kinds of roads.

      Second, they all have a problem. If a person is defensive or reacts like that when another one says “please don’t drink because the drive freaked me out,” there’s an issue. I could understand that reaction if you were the wife that never wants the husband to drink, but it sounds like that is not at all the case.

      My mom was a serious alcoholic. She killed herself with wine. I feel like I want to write more but I’m super tired and it won’t make sense right now, and I’m probably going to fall asleep so I will say please feel free to email me at meyerlemony at g mail dot com! I grew up with a family on both sides that sounds a lot like this and I’m happy to share my experience with you. As far as what you should do now? I would let it drop [just for while you are out of town] for now because you are confined with the in laws, and tomorrow I would make sure you have some transportation and go find something to do for yourself. Even if it is just lunch and people watching, a pedicure, or shopping somewhere interesting you need to get away from them even if it is only for a couple of hours.

      • Advice please

        SoCalAtty, thank you, thank you. You’re so very kind, and I might be emailing you tomorrow. I am terribly sorry to hear about your mom, and humbled that you’d share your experience with an internet stranger to ease their own burdens. What kindness, from both you and GoneAnon. Thank you again.

        • Gone Anon

          Likewise, and not to steal SoCal’s thunder, but feel free to email me as well, at denisegraham 9 at g mail dot com. (so much for anon…I need an anon email addy!) This is a tough time of year for all families who deal with this.

          Merry Christmas (or what have you) to you and SoCal!

    • Lady Enginerd

      I think it’s time to get calls in to qualified couples counselors so you can go ASAP in the New Year. It boils down to him disrespecting you and not standing up to his parents for you. He was not sensitive to you and your needs, let alone your safety. If he won’t go with you because you’re “overreacting,” go alone.

      Part of the reason I finally realized my recently ex-fiance and I were on the rocks was that he allowed his sister to bully me over thanksgiving… and even joined in on the being mean to me bandwagon! A week later, he dumped me. I think this is exactly as serious as you think it is, or even more so. Please read your post tomorrow morning to remember how serious it is (don’t let anyone minimize it and tell you that you were overreacting). When he’s dismissive of your safety and needs, it’s time to bring in a professional to help one or (ideally) both of you process what is happening in your marriage.

      • Lady Enginerd

        Oh, yeah, and I’m still up if you want to email me. quincely at rocketmail dot com. No experience with substance abuse, but sadly lots of experience with being disrespected, taken for granted, and the like.

    • Michelle

      So sorry this happened. I can totally relate to your nor being comfortable driving in those conditions, and all alternatives were bad at that point. The other posters are offering great insight, and I just want to echo not having this out with your dh while still there… Being back home regresses almost everyone, and I suspect he would be defensive regardless, and more so if drinking, and even more so if he maybe drinks too much. Maybe fasten your seatbelt(metaphorically speaking) for now, lay in some provisions in case of similar repeat performance so you don’t need to go anywhere, and have the necessary conversations in a calm time outside of the parental home. But factually speaking, his mom got too drunk to cook, let alone drive, and so did everyone else, this is not about your diving skills.

      • Advice please

        Thank you, Michelle, for your practical advice and perspective. That helped me a lot, and I really appreciate it.

    • Alcoholics in the family

      I am so sorry for your pain – I have spent numerous holidays/visits like this in the past, and your experience really resonated with me.

      Let me be blunt: your in-laws are alcoholics. They are abusing alcohol. Your husband has a problematic relationship with alcohol, even when he is not drinking to excess (although really – a bottle of wine in one evening? that’s a sign that at least for that one evening, he was using alcohol to deal with some issue – anger, sorrow, stress – that he didn’t have the tools to deal with otherwise. That’s not healthy, even on an irregular basis). His being drunk does not excuse his treatment of you in any way, and in fact may have been a very honest expression of how some part of him feels about you – a part that he otherwise represses because he doesn’t know how to handle it, and that is ‘freed’ by the cover of alcohol. Likewise all the other things that your in-laws have said and done.

      I agree that you need to just survive this visit, but then I would highly recommend a come-to-Jesus talk with your husband, and visits to a counselor either together (preferable) or alone (still good). I would also suggest going – by yourself if necessary – to a couple of Alanon meetings. People often have the idea that alcoholics are falling-down drunk 24/7, and are unaware of how subtle the abuse of alcohol can be…and how it can affect a family generationally.

      And please don’t take this to mean that I’m suggesting anyone who drinks, or who gets drunk on occasion or even regularly is an alcoholic. Alanon can help you both understand where some of the dividing lines being using and abusing alcohol are. They, or a good counselor, can also help you both figure out better ways of handling his parents, and better ways of handling stresses.

      I wish I could give you a hug. There are few things as awful as feeling trapped in a situation like that – I was once faced with walking several miles in below freezing temperatures or dealing with my father’s drunken public disgust for me; and after evaluating the situation, I realized I couldn’t make the walk home. I never visited again without control over my own transportation, and to be honest, I limited my visits severely after I realized I was abusing other substances in an alcoholic way (coffee, semi-amusingly enough).

      • Advice please

        Thank you so much, Alcoholics in the Family, for your incredibly thoughtful post — I’m so moved by it. I think you’re right that my in-laws are alcoholics, and also that there is something latent going on with my husband that might account for his incredible insensitivity to me when he was drunk. Your advice to attend AlAnon makes me hopeful. And you hit on a worry of mine, which is how things will hash out when we have children. Sigh. So glad we’re going home for now, at least….
        Thanks again. :)

  6. SoCalAtty

    I’ve very cranky because I got 0 bonus. Nothing. Not even after a review in August of “we love having you in the office and you have such a wonderful work ethic and we’ve really come to rely on you.” No, I haven’t been there a whole year but I started Feb. 1, so something seems to be in order, right? The firm did very well this year.

    My husband runs his own business (and I guess I do too, since I do the contracts and legal things) and we gave our employees $500 (construction industry). They make about $18/hour and I can tell you my husband’s company grossed less than my firm!

    No card. No mention of it. Not even a “thanks for doing way more than your job requires.” No nothing. I’m seriously regretting pulling those all-nighters and weekends now.

    Yes, I understand that I should be grateful to have a paycheck…but honestly I would have been satisfied with a “thanks.”

    • Advice please

      Ugh, that s*cks, SoCal Atty. Is it possible that they’ll give you something when your next review in February comes up?

    • Lady Enginerd

      That’s awful. I’d be really offended too. There’s nothing worse than feeling unappreciated and used, and I’m so sorry your employer had made you feel that way.

    • AnonInfinity

      That really sucks. I would be regretting the nights and weekends, too. And I’d seriously consider trying to scale back (though I understand it’s not possible in some jobs). Do you want to keep this one long term?

    • SoCalAtty

      Thanks ladies! No clue about getting anything at the 1 year in Feb., but that would be nice. I will be scaling back from now on, and I thought originally I wanted to keep this one long term but after almost a year I don’t think so…I have some irons in the fire with some interesting non-law firm things, and I think I’m going to aim for that.

  7. Advice please

    A couple more things I should add that might help to explain why I just feel alone and angry.
    In the car, MIL said something like, “What would your parents think if they saw me and (FIL) now!” The reason I guess that’s funny to her is that my parents are conservative – not politically, but they’re of a different ethnicity and a conservative religion. (Husband and I are interracial.) They haven’t socialized much at all with my parents in law, but when they have spent time together they’ve gotten along swimmingly. MIL and FIL both have said nice things about my parents when sober, and my parents adore them, and assume they drink, etc., but have never ever said or I imagine even felt judgment about it. So my MIL said something like, “I don’t know if they’d think I was a ‘fine lady’ tonight” and the reason that made me so angry is because she was referencing a compliment my dad made about her. English isn’t his first language, so I can see how that’s an awkward compliment. But she definitely knew it was sincere, and I don’t think she was making fun of his English, but she was making fun of the idea that he thought that about her.
    Later, she said something like, “All my neighbors said you were so sweet. And they said that (Husband – her son) was sooo handsome.” And that sounds innocuous, but she’s probably related compliments like this a million times, saying people said that I was nice, and he was good looking. That’s more annoying than anything else. Not malicious, but still, with everything else, just seems insulting.

  8. LC

    I’ve seen lots of you mention Paula’s Choice skin care, and I was wondering what specific products people use and like? Taking really good care of my skin is one of my new year’s resolutions! I’m thinking about trying the skin balancing system, but wondering about the resist line as well. (I’m 33, starting to see some signs of aging, also enlarged pores, and my skin seems a little dull. My skin is normal to slightly oily/combination)
    Thanks so much and happy holidays!!

  9. Advice please

    Gone Anon, SoCal Atty, LadyEnginerd, Michelle, and sacnmama — thank you for your kindness in responding to me. To have responded at all, let alone with such compassion and thoughtfulness, made me feel inordinately better.
    My husband came to bed last night and must have sensed I was still awake, and said, quietly, “I’m sorry about tonight.” I’d thought he was sobered up earlier when I first brought it up, but perhaps he wasn’t, and that’s why he had better perspective later. Still, that didn’t change how crappy I’d felt, and I told him that while I appreciated it I was just hurt and disappointed, and didn’t want to talk about it again until after the trip. But I’m glad he apologized, at least.
    Today’s been good. Went shopping with MIL. I suggested picking up a pizza on the way back. :)
    I will keep you posted, if anything meaningful changes/happens. More importantly, I want to thank you five ladies in particular again, and Corporette in general. Lots of things happen test our faith in humanity — both small and horribly big, as we all recently experienced. But then in the midst of such things, you see the kindness from strangers like I did here, and it makes your heart swell right up, the humanity of that.
    Thanks again.

  10. Legalseagull

    Ladies,
    I need some advice – I’m in a rut. Last year, my boyfriend (who I lived with, and who I thought I was going to marry) broke up with me. Now, I’m 36 and having to start all over again. I’ve always wanted children, and now I think it may not happen (don’t want to do it on my own).
    It’s all very depressing.
    I internet dated for a while, and all I found were duds.
    I think the problem for me is that I’m too smart and independent. Most men are intimidated by me, and by the fact that I’m a lawyer. A guy I met last week (sort of) confirmed this for me when he admitted that while men may say they want a ‘strong independent woman’, in actual fact, they don’t. They want to feel like the kings of their castles.
    What do I do? Take a break from dating for a while and mend my little heart, or keep looking for boys to date?
    Thanks for any advice.

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