Weekend Open Thread

Emilio Pucci 58mm Sunglasses2017 Update: Curious about when the next big Nordstrom sale is? The big Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale JUST started (Dec. 25, 2017-Jan. 2, 2018). Sign up for our newsletter to get our picks for workwear and beyond!

The below content is about the 2013 Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale.

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Nordstrom has added a bunch of new markdowns to their Half-Yearly Sale, including these purple sunglasses by Pucci. I bought a pair of Pucci sunglasses a year or two ago from a flash sale site and must say the glasses are still one of my favorite pieces — I always feel like a little fashionista no matter what else I’m wearing. This markdown is even better than the one I got, though: these sunglasses were $376, but are now marked to $99.90. Amazing. Emilio Pucci 58mm Sunglasses

A few other notes from the handbag/shoe side of the sale (see my clothing picks here):

Also, remember that the Beauty.com 20% off sale is still on — they have super fast shipping so I already got, charged, and used my new Clarisonic for the first time — yay! Also loving the blush. :)


  1. Weekender bag? :

    Any suggestions for a stylish travel/weekender bag? I know Kat had a post about this a while back, but the only suggestion I really like was the OG bag from Lo & Sons. The bag is more money than I am willing to spend. Anyone have a recommendation for a similar bag but that is more affordable? I will be using it mostly to pack a day or two worth of casual clothes.

    I’d be willing to get the OG bag if it could double as a diaper bag when I deliver in a few months. Thoughts?

    • Along the same lines :

      My trusty messenger bag is falling apart after 15 or so years. I have a newish (unscuffed) LL Bean largest-size backpack that I bought as a travel / diaper bag. Any reason not to use it as my daily lugging things bag? FWIW, I am a partner in a big law firm and practice in a finance area. I don’t usually see any clients. In my dreams, a Neverfull or something like it falls out of the sky (or off of a truck: I’m from NJ). But I can’t seem to turn my back on something that’s free (although this might be similar to this post: an OMG might do here, but it would cost $ that I don’t feel like I *have* to spend).

      • Aside from the fact that someone might see you in public with it? Lady, you’re a biglaw partner. Buy yourself a big girl bag. There’s a huge spectrum between neverfull and backpack.

      • S in Chicago :

        It is money you don’t “have” to spend (and I usually discourage purchasing things you don’t absolutely love and feel compelled to own as a general matter of course)….but in this instance, I tend to agree with the others. Carrying a back pack would be like showing up in sneakers . You can do it, but it’s not a professional image–and I say this as someone who is not even in law. Can you consider cost per use a bit? You kept the same bag for 15 years, and you will likely carry the bag most days. It seems like you will get a lot of bang for your buck, so purchasing something a little nicer and more suitable for a business setting would be well worth it.

    • AttiredAttorney :

      Cap Hill Style has a 25% off code for Lo and Sons bags, if that might bring it down to a more reasonable price level for you.

      I have a big weekender bag from the coach outlet store (no logo, just understated) that I picked up for less than $200 a few years ago that I love.

    • I use a Longchamp Le Pliage Expandable Travel Duffel Tote – it’s $255 but if you can grab it during one of the department stores F&F sales, it can come down to right around $200. I love it because it folds up nicely for storage, plus can expand if I go shopping while using it.

    • I love the Everlane Weekender.

      • Can you please tell me a bit more about the Everlane Weekender? How much can you fit in it? Does it fit under a plane seat? How heavy is it when empty?

    • To answer your question about the OG, I think it is too big to use as a diaper bag. I used it as one when I took a long trip with my baby (I was trying to pack light and didn’t want to bring a diaper bag in addition to a carry on) and it worked but it was way more space than I needed. I posted earlier this week (maybe Tues or Wed afternoon) in response to a question from either preg anon or preg 3L about using the OG as a diaper bag and listed everything I have in it now that I use it as a gym bag.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      The MZWallace “Kate” would fit the bill, and (I think) is actually intended to be a diaper bag – that might be a good alternative to the OG/OMG (although it’s on the pricier side of things).

      Also check out the Nordstrom sale – there are a bunch of great totes that could double as diaper bags on sale right now. I’m personally partial to the Kate Spade totes and shoppers, but there are others that look like they’d fit the bill you’re describing, for under $200.

      • Killer Kitten Heels :

        Edit: Didn’t realize the price point on Lo & Sons and thought it was more in line with MZ Wallace – it’s not. The Kate probably won’t fit your price range, but I have one (and beat the living daylights out of it daily) and it’s beautiful and I love it, so I still think it’s worth a look!

        • They do go on sale from time to time. I got my Jane bag by signing up for the MZ Wallace email alerts–I think I got it 25 or 30% off. Still felt overpriced for what it was, but I haven’t stopped using it since the day I got it (and I used to switch bags ALL the time). I love love love it! So many pockets!

    • I’m loving the Kate Spade Saturday weekender at the moment. Lots of pockets, and the small size even fits under airplane seats.

  2. NYC Meet Up :

    Monday 11/11! 7pm! Grey Dog’s (W 16th St & 8th Ave)!

  3. One of our senior associates is about to make partner. She is a great mentor and friend to me, and I was thinking I’d like to send something small to her to congratulate her when it happens. Is this weird? Any suggestions? Maybe just a small flower arrangement?

    • Senior Attorney :

      Not weird at all! Flowers would be great, or maybe a new business card holder or something nice for her desk.

    • I gave a bottle of wine and a hand-written note to a friend of mine when he made partner. I think it’s nice.

    • Not weird. Champagne!

      • The firm will do champagne (I’m in a different office, so needs to be something I can send remotely). Thanks for the reassurance.

  4. does anyone know of a cute home store site that has stuff as cute/in the same style as anthropologie but not so outrageously (and irrationally) expensive?

    • Modcloth?

    • What kinds of home decor items are you looking for? It might depend.

    • furbish is not cheap but great

    • Lady Harriet :

      I’ve never bought any home stuff there, but every time I go to World Market I want to move in there and never leave. They sell online too and things seem to be somewhat less expensive than Anthropologie.

    • Not sure how helpful this is, but almost everything at anthropologie goes on sale eventually. I just put price alerts on things and buy them when they get discounted.

      Worldmarket is also nice but it’s a slightly different aesthetic. You can also find a lot of similar stuff on Etsy. Is there anything specific you’re looking to get? For instance, if you like their curtains, Ikea sells similarly whimsical fabrics for between $3-6/yard so you could easily make your own. If you like their dishes, I find a lot of similar stuff at actual flea markets (vs. Anthro’s flea market chic).

    • In the Pink :

      CB2 – more modern stuff than Crate & Barrell, but you might check that too.

      White Elm – quality seems random

    • It’s not the same as anthro, but I’ve been impressed each time I walked into a Pier One in the past few years.

  5. Has anyone ever seen anyone switch from patent lit to patent pros (e.g., as a mid-level)?

    • Yes…but…it is very difficult. Basically, mid-levels are too expensive to train. By that, I mean, their billing rate is to high to support the extra time needed to do the work and for reviewing attorney to bill their time spent training.

      I saw one person make the switch. He had to write off his own time and work like a machine to make his hours. It is possible but not without sacrifice.

      • I was a tech spech before law school for 15 mos. Think that would help? Or is pre-AIA experience too long ago?

        • By tech spech, do you mean technical drafters or writer ? If so, were you drafting patent applications?

          Generic technical drafting won’t help enough but patent drafting would. It would still be a very difficult transition.

          AIA hasn’t changed too much of the mechanics, just the deadlines.

          The person I saw transition was an incredibly smart guy and great writer. He struggled.

  6. What are people purchasing in the VIB sale?

    • I know this sale has been discussed a lot this week, and I know what it is for, but every time I see VIB sale I think that people are discussing lady garden party supplies.

    • wildkitten :

      Is the VIB sale online only or also in the store?

    • amelia earhart :

      Laura Mercier Artist’s Palette, Ciate Mini Mani Month, and re-stocking on Ole Henriksen African Red Tea products. Also, maybe a Fresh lip gloss because mine had a bath in the washer. And any other fun things I might find

    • I bought perfume and eye primer.

    • Equity's Darling :

      I’m going to stock up on a year’s suppy of shampoo/conditioner, and order my sister’s Christmas gift. Not very exciting, but practical.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      replacements of everything that was in my suitcase Southwest lost last week. *grumble* Make Up Forever HD powder, Makeup Forever concealer, Clinique all about eyes, fresh lip gloss, some nail polish, probably smashbox primer and urban decay setting spray. Oh, and I’ll probably stock up on brush heads for the clarisonic.

      • Orangerie :

        Oh man, that sounds like an absolute nightmare. Are they paying for what was lost?

        • Gail the Goldfish :

          Supposedly. I just got to the “your bag is definitely lost” time threshold, so I have to start the claims process. I’m hoping it’s simple and I don’t have to fight them on this.

      • Clementine :

        If you bought your ticket with a credit card, check with the card company. Quite a few of them (specifically airline cards- I don’t know about Southwest) do include it as a cardholder benefit if you have a certain level of card.

  7. Eyebrow Pencil Recs? :

    Does anyone have an eyebrow pencil they would recommend? I’ve purchased the Lancome Le Crayon Poudre and I love the attached brush and the softness of the pencil itself, but there is some sort of hard coating inside the pencil that makes sharpening a nightmare (like, lost 1/3 of the pencil within the first two weeks). Hoping that someone has a better suggestion! TIA!

    • For near-black eyebrows I swear by Nars Black Moon, though it’s actually an eyeliner pencil. Each pencil lasts a long time, and it’s one of the only brow pencils I’ve ever found that’s dark enough to match my natural color. (I know the advice is to use a lighter color, but on me it just looks like…the wrong color.) Can’t speak to the other Nars colors, but the consistency is perfect for a brow pencil, and it doesn’t budge even when I run, even in the rain. Sharpening it is very straightforward.

    • Anonymous :

      I know you asked about a pencil and I have the Dior one that I am not all that impressed with. Its okay, but not fantastic. However, I LOVE the Anastasia duo brow powder.

      • Along the same lines, I use Benefit’s Brow Zings and love it. Easy to use, doesn’t migrate, natural-looking.

      • prof on a bike :

        Anastasia brow powder is my favorite as well. I find their shades have less of a reddish undertone than many other brow products, and look much more natural on me.

    • Orangerie :

      I like Clinique’s Instant Lift for Brows. The pencil twists up so you don’t have to sharpen, and it has a nice highlighter stick on the opposite end which is really nice when used sparingly under the arch of your brow.

    • Eyebrow Pencil Recs? :

      Thanks, everyone! I’ll be by a Sephora this weekend so this is very helpful!

    • Anonymous :

      I use Anastasia brow wiz because I hate sharpening pencils. It works wonders.

  8. TO Lawyer :

    Any advice on how to potentially get involved with a political campaign at the municipal level? I’ve realized recently that municipal politics are both fascinating and so important and would love to get more involved.

    Thanks all!

    • Your local politics are definitely fascinating these days! I’ve had friends simply start by volunteering for someone they liked, or to identify that, start by going to various events to make connections. I find twitter is also a good way to network, while the #topoli hashtag is currently quite busy, check it once the campaigns start.

    • Anonymous :

      Reach out directly to volunteer! A family member ran in a local race and finding great and motivated volunteers can be a challenge. They don’t have the staffs or budgets that larger races have. It’s very “roll up your sleeves”.

    • Like helping with an existing candidate’s campaign? Easy. Get in contact with the candidate and/or candidate’s rep you want to work with, and let them know you want to help. They will be more than happy for the help. As an alternative, if you’re not sure which campaign you want to help with, you can get in touch with your local club of your party of choice and let them know you want to help. As someone involved in local politics, trust, everyone will be more than thankful for whatever way you want to contribute.

    • Anon for this :

      I’m also in TO, and am in the early stages of involvement in a mayoral campaign (may be the same one as you’re interested in). If you are just interested in doing basic stuff (door to door, mailings, whatever), nothing is up and running yet obviously. If that’s your interest, you can get in touch with the potential candidate’s CA (constituency assistant or equivalent) and they can likely advise you. If you want in at a higher or more involved level, and don’t have any personal connection to the candidate or campaign team, you’ll want to find someone who can introduce you to the candidate or campaign team and vouch for your legitimacy. You’re a lawyer – there is likely someone who has a connection to the Stintz or Chow campaign that you know, probably based on political connections. Know any dippers in your office? They may have connections to the Chow campaign – request they do an intro for you.

      • Anonymous :

        Do your best but I am voting for Ford again. I need low taxes and my garbage collected regularly more than I need a role model.

        • wildkitten :

          – 1. Where did the report button go?

          • Anonymous :

            You may disagree with me but it’s my opinion and I have a right to it. I ask you to respect that.

        • But is anything actually getting done these days?

          • Plenty is getting done. The vehicle registration tax was scrapped. The union’s stranglehold on the city was broken. Property tax increases are minimal and quality jobs are easy to find.

            On a personal level, the mayor puts a high priority on his family. Certain family events are non-negotiable.

            Unlike Harper, who threw his cronies under the bus to save his own miserable arse, Ford is standing by his people and doesn’t blame anyone but himself for his problems.

            He’s done amazing things for the city and he’s also an addict who desperately needs help.

            Any more snitty comments from the mean girls or are you done now?

        • Yes you have the right to your opinion. However, this comment seems off topic and needlessly antagonistic, given that the question was about the process of getting involved in a campaign, not about the merits of any of the candidates.

          • Anonymous :

            I’m sure she’s just defensive because a lot of people must be giving her a hard time for loving the mayor with the poor impulse control, poor judgment, lying, crack use, alcohol abuse, rage rampages where he threatens to kill people, etc.

          • No, actually, just you. What’s with that?

          • Wildkitten :

            Sarabeth, this is what I was thinking. I don’t know anything about the candidates or issues in TO, but discouraging someone for wanting to get involved before they even get involved seemed unnecessarily antagonistic.

          • Pot. Kettle. Whatever.

      • TO Lawyer :

        Thank you all for your helpful suggestions and especially this one tailored to my city and situation! I guess I have some work to do in hopes that we can actually shake things up at City Hall

    • Anon for this :

      Start asking any and everyone you know who may know someone in this arena what their take is. I have also started pursuing an opportunity in local politics, fortunately I currently work with a few people who know the power players at the new gig. I have been disguising my inquiries as personal, not professional.

      • This. Make sure there are no real or perceived conflicts with your professional life.

        But if not, just calling or showing up at a campaign HQ seems to do the trick in the states. There’s always stuff to be done.

  9. file edit view :

    Recommendations for sub-$100 dresses or other outfit suggestions for a conference in Montreal the week before Thanksgiving? Business casual is fine, travel-friendly is good since I’m hoping to fly carry-on-only for a four-day trip. Difficulty: I will be 16 weeks pregnant; some but not all of my regular pants are too tight already.

    • I wear this one all the time when I travel because it’s stretchy, comfortable, doesn’t wrinkle, and I can stuff it in my purse as a backup in case they lose my luggage: http://www.zappos.com/kamalikulture-cap-sleeve-side-draped-dress-patch-dots-black-grey

    • Have you ever tried dresses from Travelsmith? Some of them my mother would consider frumpy, but others are pretty cute and versatile, and the fabrics are designed to be travel friendly. This sweater dress could be cute:

  10. power of technology :

    Question: I’m a new user of tumblr and am using a password protected post to share baby pictures with friends and family who live several hours away. Does anyone have advice on anything I should or should not do? I want to reasonably protect my baby’s privacy and this seems a much better option than facebook.

    I’ve just never used anything like this, so I just want to avoid any hidden pitfalls.

    • Make sure friends and family are clear about your not wanting to share these pictures.

      A lot of security breaches are not technological, but social. Social engineering, I think is the term. If family and friends save and forward photos to random other people, or send out the URL and password info to people, then that would be a problem.

    • So, it’s not really going to protect you from anything other than random people stumbling across your post. Password protecting a post isn’t going to password protect any pictures (people can still send links to each other, or forward images) and people could still send the password to others or try to guess it. There’s probably no difference in using this vs a facebook group – a facebook group is probably a little more secure because you can control who has permission to look at the post based on an actual user list, though I don’t know if it does access control on specific pictures so still technically anyone might be able get to it if they knew the picture URL. However, your baby is probably not a state secret and I doubt anyone is trying to steal pictures of it, so I think it’s reasonably private. :)

    • Sydney Bristow :

      If you and your friends/family members that you want to share with use iPhones, you can set up a shared photo stream with iPhoto. My sister in law did this and it’s working great for us. It doesn’t translate into being safer than sharing like you are but for some reason I feel better about it than posting them on a website.

    • Boston 2L :

      What I would actually recommend for this is using Google Drive or similar. You can make a folder, share it with everyone who you want to see it (by email address) – but select that each of them can only view. Further, if you don’t want pictures being downloaded and forwarded (which I think depends on who you are sending to), you can select the option not to let viewers download the documents – then they can see them online, but nothing else. Since you are the only owner/editor and you make the folder privately shared (select to make it only for the listed email addresses), I think that accomplishes what you want.

    • In-House Anon :

      You can also try using Flickr — you can set up albums and only share them with certain people via email (a “guest pass”). And you can also limit these people’s ability to download or otherwise save the picture files.

      • Boston 2L :

        This sounds about equal in terms of privacy to Google Drive but much better for pictures! I think this is probably your best bet. :)

        I know Google’s picture thing (Picasa now) used to let you do this, but it’s a pain now to use picasa – especially if you don’t want all the pictures posted to Google+. So I highly recommend against trying that one.

    • Adobe just launched a cool new product called Revel where you can share albums with people really easily. If you’re interested it’s AdobeRevel dot com.

  11. PSA: Amazon is having a 20% off sale on select shoes and handbags for veterans day. Code is 20VETRNS.

    I thought I was already getting a great deal on a pair of boots that were marked down. With the discount they’re now 60% off!

    • Miss Behaved :

      Wow. My dad will really like that deal on handbags for Veterans day. He’s trying to rally his buddies to go to the local inn for the free breakfast. Hee.

    • ExcelNinja :

      Speaking of Veteran’s Day, where the heck do I find poppies in this country?? Back in Canada I’d have had one two weeks ago….

      • ExcelNinja :

        Upon further research, it looks like there are no poppies to be had! Sadface.

        • Yeah, sorry, we don’t really do the poppies thing in the US. :o( And if we did, no one would know what it meant.

  12. Negotiation help :

    I accepted a job! I now need to construct a casual-business casual wardrobe from scratch (worked at home before).

    I’m 6′, 140lb, slight hourglass shape, 34.5″ inseam and about a c cup. Oh, and wide ish feet. I’m in Los Angeles. Early 20s.

    I literally need everything, socks to skirts to coats to tops, sweaters and casual blazers. I have shoes in mind. I’m planning to spend up to 1k, hopefully more like 700, on a complete wardrobe of high quality basics, and later add in cheaper trendy pieces as desired. I thought about using a personal shopper but I prefer to buy on sale and imagine that wouldn’t be possible.

    Recommend favorite high quality basics that will stay in my closet for years? I’m already looking at the jc**w wool no 2 (is that too formal?) and l*nds end Ponte dress after seeing numerous recommendations here. Tall size availability is an absolute must.

    • For bottoms:
      -With your height, I’d recommend the No. 2 pencil skirt or the Telegraph skirt. A pencil skirt is a great piece because you can dress it up (with a blouse and blazer) or down (with a cardigan) depending on the day of the week/meetings/etc. If you go with the No.2, be sure you get the wool version, as the cotton version wrinkles way too easily.
      -The Skirt (Halogen Seamed Pencil) at Nordstrom’s is another pencil skirt staple. It hits just above the knee for me (5’10), but you may need to try it on to see if it’s too short.
      -Besides skirts, I’d stock up on 2-3 pairs of dress pants (if you’re a pants person) in neutral colors (gray, black, navy, etc.). I’ve had good luck with JCrew and Theory (pricey, but can be found on sale/eBay for less).

      For tops:
      -I tend to browse the sale racks at JCrew, Ann Taylor, and Banana Republic for tops. If your bottoms/cardigans are neutral, tops are an easy way to add color and print. I’ve also found a few great work tops at H&M. They have the flowy look of a silk top, but are machine washable.
      -I wish I could give you a good suggestion for long sweaters, but that’s something I’m still looking for. In the meantime, I have a few Jackie cardigans from JCrew I’ve picked up on sale over the years as well as a L&T cashmere crewneck that’s held up well.
      -I have two blazers, one black and one navy, that I wear a lot in my business casual office. Both are JCrew (from the tall range) and I’ve been pretty happy with the quality. I’m a fan of wearing blazers over dresses and with a colored pencil skirt on days when I want to be a little dressier.

      As you create your starting wardrobe, I’d stick to mostly neutrals so that the pieces can be worn together. Then as you add to it, you can bring in more color and pieces that make a statement/are memorable and can be worn less often.

      Finally, if there’s a consignment store near you, check for professional clothes there. Some of my favorite clothes are second hand and it’s a great source of quality at a good discount.

      • One last thing. A number of fashion bloggers and stores have put together example “capsule wardrobes” that are great for imagining various outfits from the same core pieces.

        CapHillStyle has a bunch of examples pinned here: http://www.pinterest.com/caphillstyle/building-a-wardrobe/

        • Anonymous :

          Awesome advice, thank you! The capsule wardrobes are really helpful as well.

          One other question- I know C*rpor*tte readers aren’t typically a fan of Expr*ss pants… but they fit me so well. Is it the cut? Material? Lack of lining? I feel I might look too dressy if I show up in lined wool pants and a nice blouse and blazer, but I want to be investing in timeless pieces.

          • embrace Express :

            Nothing wrong with many styles of Express pants in my opinion. Their Editors fit me well and, besides, I hate lined pants.

          • Orangerie :

            I think it’s the material rather than the cut/style. To me, they just don’t look as nice as trousers cut from wool suiting material.

          • I can see how they aren’t business formal but my Express pants fit right in at my business casual office. They’re the only pants I’ve found that fit me well and to me look more professional than “nicer” pants that don’t fit properly.

            Regarding the pants as well as other clothing: you may want to buy a couple pieces to get you through the first week or so (or even longer!) and shop more after getting a feel for the actual office dress code (not the one on paper). When I moved from working in manufacturing to a corporate office I didn’t end up wearing a lot of the stuff I bought before or soon after I started because at the time I didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted my wardrobe to look like.

          • Anonymous :

            Try the Limited as well – a bit more business friendly, but same parent company and the cuts are similar. Very affordable too.

      • anon-oh-no :

        these are all great suggestions, but i think trying to build an entire working wordrobe of “high quality” basics on $700 (or even $1000) is unrealistic. YOu can certainly get a good start to your work wordrobe, especially if you are very careful about finding things that serve duel purposes, all can mix and match, etc, but in that price range, even with sales, i think you will be hard pressed to get it done.

        • Orangerie :


        • And don’t feel like you have to get a complete wardrobe all at once. Get enough to get by for a couple of weeks, so you can get a sense of what the actual dress code is. Biz Casual yes, but that can run a spectrum of its own. Start with a couple neutral bottoms that you can re-wear during the week.

          Budget – you’ll definitely get a start with mid quality basics, but I wouldn’t count on a complete overhaul. Definitely look at your current wardrobe to see what could grade up with a nicer pair of pants or a skirt. Express, The Limited, and the Gap are great places to start that will give you a bang for your buck. High quality? Probably not, but will give you at least a season or two of wear before needing replacement. Sales at BR and Jcrew will help step it up a bit as well.

          • +1 to this. The list above is a starting point (ie. a few things to think about as you start shopping), but definitely don’t buy everything before you start. Pick up a skirt, a new top, and see how the first week or two goes. You might find that more of your wardrobe transitions to the office than you previously thought!

          • marketingchic :

            Speaking as someone with the same inseam length, you can’t find high-quality dress pants (which to me means wool) that will fit at less than $125 (before any discounts.) J Crew, AT and BR are my favorites but they eat up the budget pretty fast.

            I supplement with synthetic pants from Gap, Loft and Express. Just watch the fabrics. Some look better than others. Bonus, you can wash them.

          • Anon for this :

            On the Gap pants, I just sent a pair of the Modern boot pants. They looked cheap and wrinkled just from trying them on. Plus they fit like a second skin at the hips and thighs, but were way to big at the waist. They were washable and the length was perfect, but otherwise unwearable.

          • I love my modern boot Gap pants. I have them in black, grey pinstripe, and a winter-weight beige. The fabrics are all different, so try a different color if you like the cut, and you’ll probably get a different fabric. They are wrinkly coming out of the package, but the wrinkles fall out after hanging them up for a few hours. You can always get the waist taken in if it fits you in the thighs and hips. I am a relatively average height, but always find that I need to let the hem out of modern boot pants to wear them with a low heel. These are my go-to dress pants in all seasons.

          • Highly recommend the Gap “Perfect Trouser” — it comes in both Long and X-Long (their “Tall”) inseams. It’s $60 at full price but you can almost always get 30-40% off with their coupon codes/sales. These trousers in black and in grey are my work uniform — there is also a matching blazer in the black fabric that comes in Tall sizes.

        • Negotiation help :

          You might be right. I’ll do my best though! I mostly want that to include the basics (shoes, coat, a couple suiting skirts, slacks)- more trendy tops and accessories can come out of a separate budget.

          I want to get as much as I can because I’m going to be visiting a state with no sales tax on clothes. But I will definitely keep my tags on until I wear things.

          Thanks to everyone for all the suggestions so far! Recommendations for particular pieces are welcome- favorite tights, etc.

          • I like Hue and DKNY tights and you can find both for about $7/pair at places like TJ Maxx, Loehmann’s, etc.

            Uniqlo has some nice, quality basic clothes that are well made and very reasonably priced. For something similar to the editor pant, I was pleasantly surprised by the modern bootcut pant from the gap (its their “premium” pant collection thing). I got it when gap was having some 40% off promotion and I think for $30-something it’s a great item to have on hand.

            I would check out outlets. When I started working I basically did something similar and ended up with a good transitional wardrobe (4 pairs of pants, 3 skirts, a few sweaters) for around $600. My only advice here is to be careful with the outlet-only stuff. It tends to be very hit or miss. JCrew outlet stores have *some* nice stuff and some that doesn’t wear well at all. What I’ve liked: the factory version of the no.2 wool skirt (but not the cotton), sweaters, outerwear, jewelry and other accessories, button down shirts. What I’ve regreted: anything “ponte” pilled immediately, the suiting was all “off” for me in fit. Brookbrothers outlet has some good quality basics and often stuff from the regular store, too. You should look to see when they have sales for additional discounts because otherwise it can still be pricey. If you’re a lawyer, you are probably eligible for a “corporate” BB discount through your alumni or bar association, request a free card and get an extra 15% off. Saks Off Fifth and NM Last Call can be great sources — lots of DvF and Elie Tahari at often very reasonable prices. I mostly avoid the stuff at BR outlets because 90% of what I have gotten has been crap — you wash it once and might as well throw it away. That said, one of my favorite black pant suits came from there so never say never.

        • Yes. I hate to agree with this, but I have to say that a budget of $1000 does not seem like enough for this. I have recently been going through a bit of a wardrobe upgrade myself (due to a size change), and I was surprised at how quickly the items added up in terms of cost. If you are adding in shoes and winter coats, I don’t think you will be able to meet the budget. I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself to buy “investment” pieces. With a limited budget, this becomes No Fun very quickly. You end up trying on countless pairs of pants, in the hopes of finding that one perfect pair that is worth the chunk of your budget it will take up. When you repeat that process of searching for the most perfect, worthwhile piece, for every single item in your closet, you will become exhausted very quickly. Also, you might not have anything to wear come Day 1. Just don’t be too terribly hard on yourself–this is a difficult and expensive task!

      • Better advice for work capsules is I think found at http://theviviennefiles.blogspot.com/ and http://youlookfab.com/ If your time/budget is limited, I think it’s best to start with some really boring basics :-), spicing them up with existing pieces as you go along. You do have some clothes, it’s just that you need to make sure to only combine them with a solid foundation. It’s best to be nondescript while you figure out the lay of the land anyway, and then you can go as far towards expressing yourself is acceptable without overstepping right off.

      • By the way, I have a 35″ inseam, and I wear the No. 2 in regular (not Tall). It hits me better. It’s approximately 23-24″ at my size, so that’s just knee length. Also check out Talbots–they are having a sale right now and have some really lovely silk tops for ~$40, which is a steal, if bateau necks look good on you. I find they cut long in the larger sizes (but you’re thinner than me!). Good luck!

      • Not sure if you’re still checking this thread, but you can definitely use a personal stylist at Nordstrom with their sales. I just did that this weekend (with a very last minute appointment made via their website). My friend pre-shops the sales with her personal stylist too.

    • You should check out the Talbots website online. They have 40% off their sale now.

  13. Loose Seal :

    Does anyone have advice for getting motivated to lose some weight? I have gained about 30 lbs in the past couple of years, and I’m really unhappy. But then I still make choices that lead to more weight gain. I just feel like I have no willpower left over sometimes to make healthier choices. Has anyone been here? How did you snap out of it?

    I want to feel better and fit into my favorite clothes again.

    • Anonymous :

      I find that exercise doesn’t help me lose weight, but it does help me make better choices. Can you implement a regular exercise routine? Even as simple as 3-4 45 minute walks per week. Walking is very therapeutic to me and I’m much less likely to make poor choices after I exercise.

      I also suggest starting small with easily controllable things. Identify your weaknesses and avoid them. For instance, if you make bad choices when you eat out, try to cook at home more. Give yourself huge props for cooking at home all week.

      The other key is good planning so you don’t have to make bad choices. Have healthy stuff to eat around. Don’t let yourself get starving so that you lose all decision making capabilities.

      Remember with cravings that tomorrow is another day. If you have the power to bypass a craving today and you still want it tomorrow or the day after that, then let yourself have it. I find that cravings usually go away. And if they don’t, then I give in.

    • For me, I had two upcoming weddings that I was going to be a bridesmaid in and I wanted to lose weight before them. So do you have an event coming up that can be a goal date for you? Or can you plan an event (beach vacation, race to train for or something?) It helped me to have a set (but realistic) timeline.

    • Yes, totally been there. More than once in my life. The first time, I went on a work trip with some colleagues and was mentally comparing their eating habits with mine and I came home and said that’s it, I’m ready. More recently, but with less to lose, I knew that I had been gaining and was completely frustrated with not being able to fit into my clothes, etc. I got on the scale in preparation for my annual wellness appointments (so I wouldn’t be shocked) and I was horrified by the number on the scale, made a decision then and there to eat better. As I mentioned in the earlier thread, I’m not a big overeater, it’s more about my choices. I work out a lot so if I eat more fruits and vegetables and whole grains and don’t snack on sugary things, I lose weight pretty easily. I’ve been surprised that I didn’t have to do anything drastic or starve myself, especially given my age (late 40s). Only you can find that tipping point. Good luck!

    • Check out sarahjenks.com. She’s amazing. Totally changes how to think about food/exercise and very positive. Also, maybe read Intuitive Eating (recently recommended on thissite but I havent read it myself).

      • I can’t plug Intuitive Eating enough. I’ve been trying to follow it for just under a week now and I feel amazing compared to before. The more I think about it, the more I realize that every single use of restrictions, rules or conditions in my life related to food and exercise was counterproductive. Yet we have almost no other way to think about these things.

      • Anonymous :

        I just looked through this site for the first time and, to be honest, I don’t get it. I’d like to lose weight, but I’m not eating from boredom or sadness – I still live my life and accept myself as I am, I just know that I’d be healthier if I lose some weight. I agree with the idea of the site, but I’m not sure I understand how you lose weight. Is it something that comes in the emails?

        • Wildkitten :

          If you don’t feel any emotional or boredom compelling you to eat, why don’t you just eat less/healthier? I’d eat salad for every meal if my emotions weren’t telling me to eat a box of mac and cheese. I think you have to figure out what’s stoping you. Too busy to eat healthy? Don’t know what to put together? No time for fancy recipes? If your problem is different, your solution might be different.

    • FitBit? I got one for me and my mother got one at the same time. I am walking a lot more because we friended each other so we can compete for who walks more. She is in her 70s and is totally beating me, so it’s kind of embarrassing and motivating me to move more.

      • +1 for fitbit. Seeing the hard numbers really keeps me from having that extra snack or at least motivates me to take an extra walk before indulging.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      My motivation just sort of clicked one day so I’m not terribly helpful on that. I did want to recommend checking out a website called Nerd Fitness. If that fits your personality at all I find it motivating and helpful as a source of information.

    • I find baby steps are easiest for me. I hate dieting so I always start with exercise. Once I’m in a regular exercise routine, I tend to crave fruit and salad and water so then my diet improves without me feeling like I’m depriving myself or having to watch what I eat. If you’re the opposite (hate exercise, find dieting easier), then focus on that.

      With whichever you start with, start small. Walk for 10 minutes (that way you don’t have to change your schedule too much) or switch your soda for water. Once that’s not a challenge or you’re used to it, increase the amount of your exercise or focus on adding another diet tweak.

    • Been there! The one thing I found really helpful was to force myself into a mindset that every minute of every day was distinct from every other – so just because I ate something off-diet, that didn’t mean “the day was shot” and I’d start my diet again the next day – instead I tried to always start again RIGHT AWAY. Same with missing a couple of workouts – I tried never to let myself say, oh well, this week isn’t happening, I’ll start again next week – instead I tried to go later in the day or the next day or whatever. For me, forcing myself never to think in those day/ week increments, and instead trying to focus on making the right choices in the moment, made a huge difference.

    • wildkitten :

      Spend time on Sunday prepping food for the week so it’s easy to eat healthy when you are busy/stressed.

    • I’ve been there. For me it was my doctor looking at my weight, asking if I was happy with it and then offhandedly saying “well, it’s not like you’re obese yet”. Yikers. I started watching things that day & using myfitnesspal to track what I ate and to figure out how to lose weight. It worked for me – I’m down 30lbs. Not quite where I want to be but much happier. To answer your question though, I needed a real wake-up call and to go “cold turkey” from bad habits to good ones.

    • Motivation :

      For me the motivation was precisely that – wanting to continue to fit into the wardrobe I built up. But what helped to provide concrete ideas was Gary Taubes’ Why We Get Fat. The science behind it just seemed to make things click. I don’t know that I agree with everything he says, but he makes a really compelling case against the perceived wisdom I had previously accepted (low fat, low cholesterol diets are best). Instead I sharply limited my sugars and grains and simple carbohydrates (trial and error, I have subsequently continued to stay off wheat, but have added in a small portion of rice or starch each day). I was someone for whom bread was a major food group, but by focusing more on what I could eat (meat, eggs, full fat dairy, seafood I previously thought I didn’t like) it hasn’t felt restraining.
      I continue to exercise (running and yoga) because I like it but I no longer feel like I MUST exercise to maintain my weight, which is a big relief with a challenging schedule.

    • For me, I had to acknowledge that willpower wasn’t enough to motivate me, so I had to take proactive steps to keep myself out of situations where I was going to make poor diet choices. For me, that means having a breakfast routine (for me, a veggie/almond milk smoothie) and lunch routine (make all weekday lunches on Sunday via crockpot). I keep the stuff I’m weak about out of my house – for me, that’s Ritz crackers and cheese and guacamole and chips and unhealthy breakfast choices like bagels and cream cheese. If it ain’t there, I won’t eat it. My approach is eating two very healthy meals a day and healthy snacks, and then eating whatever I want for my third meal. Most of the time I end up eating healthy for the third meal, but I don’t beat myself up over it if I want pizza or dinner at a restaurant. I also try to go vegetarian during the week and let myself eat meat and fish on weekends.

      I say this all to say, it’s easier to get motivated if it’s a routine and not solely based on willpower to make the right choices in the moment. Good luck!

    • How about a personal story? I am on the cusp of 40 and about 50 lbs overweight. My body is truly breaking down after gaining the last 10-lbs in the last year. I am facing massive changes in my body that threaten my ability to function day-to-day and certainly threaten my dreams of adventure travel and athletic pursuits. Now clearly, others are more overweight than I am and don’t face the same issues, but you don’t know until you get there. My doctor recently explained that your knees experience 7x your body weight, so if you lose just 2 lbs, it is the equivalent of 14 for your knees. I couldn’t be more upset with myself for getting here.

    • ExcelNinja :

      Sorry to hear you are unhappy with your weight :( Please remember you are still a smart and wonderful person.

      This was basically me about 5 years ago. I went through about a year where I just could not make myself make good choices. Even if I went for a 5 mile run I would go out for pizza, wings, and beer afterwards, more than negating my hard work. On the weekends I’d go outside hiking and biking all day and then eat an entire box of mini-wheats at night while watching tv. I’d bake my own bread (healthier!) and then eat an entire loaf of it. Etc, etc, etc. I definitely empathize with your plight.

      Everyone is different of course, but what worked for me was:
      – I cut out carbs entirely. See above re: binging. I couldn’t control myself around carbs. This was awful for the first month – no more bread, cereal, pasta, rice, sauces, etc – but it really seemed to help. I’m still pretty low-carb even now (not as severe – occasionally have pizza or sandwiches or whatever).
      – Doing something active every weekend, which has since translated into doing something active every day. Even if it was just walking to the park to play catch, or walking 10 mins to get a coffee, I moved my butt.
      – I stopped being so hard on myself. I gave up running (I hate it but it was just such an efficient calorie-burning mechanism!), and I went on bike rides for fun rather than to see how fast I could do a route.

      Things that did not work for me:
      – the wedding/trip/hot date deadlines I gave myself would just make it so much worse.
      – dieting/depriving myself did not work.
      – buying all my new clothes in a size too small did not work and just wasted a TON of money (though my sister got a pretty nice donated wardrobe!)

    • I think it helps to focus on coping with stress in a healthy way so you don’t reach that point of feeling totally drained and powerless. When you take care of yourself better, you don’t feel like food is the only option to make a bad day better. I do this through yoga, listening to podcasts and going for walks, calling a friend, and trying to make fun/enjoyable plans sometime during the week. I also take walk at lunch (even just ten minutes sometimes to get outside during a hectic work day and clear my head). That way I feel more in control over my own well being. Step 2: eat more healthy foods — make at least one meal a day super healthy — such as a big salad or a healthy soup. This will help increase the number of veggies in your diet and decrease the calorie count over all. And as you try more and more healthy options, you will find some you actually like, which can help reinforce good habits naturally. Step 3: rarely by the unhealthy stuff in the grocery store. Don’t stock up on things you don’t want to be eating. In the last four years, I’ve lost fifteen pounds this way and kept it off. I’m the skinniest I’ve been since high school. Good luck! You can do it.

    • Loose Seal :

      Wow everyone. Thank you so much for your thoughts, personal stories, and kindness.

      I’ve read all the responses several times, and you’ve all offered some great suggestions and plenty for me to think about. Time for a trip to the grocery store and some Real Talk with myself about the importance of taking care of myself rather than pouring every.last.ounce. of mental energy into my job.

      • Remember that you aren’t a good worker (employee/advocate/assistant/whatever your job is) unless you are 100% present, both health-wise and mental-health-wise.

        Put the oxygen mask on your own face before you can put it on anyone else’s.

  14. Boston 2L :

    Have any of you ladies tried no more rack (dot com)? They have some good deals and some terrific deals, so I’m interested – but I don’t know if they are legitimate or not. I see some great reviews and some horrific ones online, so I’m wondering if it is worth the chance (they have a skirt I really want to get and haven’t been able to find similar elsewhere) if it’s basically luck if it goes well or not!

    • Franice Nolan :

      I tried them and had an eh experience, I ordered a bed spread they shipped the wrong size and the right size was out of stock. They gave me store credit and I waited and waited to find another bed spread I liked and it has been ok but not great.

    • I’ve purchased from them a few times in the past and had a decent experience. The one time I purchased something and it didn’t show up, they sent me a full refund.

  15. private equity labor rates? :

    Going into negotiations with a private equity firm to provide consulting/guidance/technical assistance on an investment opportunity. Work is estimated to be a 2 week long project, results needed ASAP, starting right away. Thoughts about hourly rates?

    My usual rates are in the $110-150/hour range; I charged $400/hr for similar opportunities 1.5 and 2 years ago – is this still in the ball park?

    • Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open Thread’s! And the 3 day weekend, tho I am comeing into work to catch up on by billeing’s so that I can get my $10,000 bonus dad negoeatied for me!

      As for the OP I am not sure of your billeing rate, but it sound’s to compleicated to bill at $100-150 hour. The manageing partner bill’s me out at $650/hour, and then he put’s his own ADDER on my bill for his review, which is at $1000 per hour, so every hour we BOTH bill a cleint, the firm make’s $1,650/hour! YAY! But some times, the cleint ask’s me what the manageing partner is doing b/c they NEVER see or hear anything about or FROM him. I tell him he MUST audit my work per NYSBA rule’s, tho I am not sure if there even is a NYSBA rule on this (he said there was, so that is what I tell them) Once in a while, they call him, and he expelain’s it to them, and then bills them for $1000 to expelain it to them.

      Roberta was the first to question him, but she stopped b/c she realy like’s me and my work, tho she is NOT crazy about the manageing partner. I am goieng with Myrna to see a freind of her’s this weekend in the Hamton’s. We are stayeing at his place, but I was told to bring warm clotheing b/c it is on the beach and there is not good heateing out there. FOOEY! I do NOT want to freeze my tuchus off out there, but Myrna say’s we will be fine.

      Dad called to tell me I should be getting busy with Fred already b/c Ed called and wondered why I have no plan’s with Fred yet. I told dad that I was NOT sure about Fred b/c he will make me work after I have a baby. He said the onley one haveing a baby now is Rosa (#3) and I have NOT even got out of the starteing gate with #1 and I am OLDER then her. I said FOOEY b/c I am a professional, who COULD have been a housewife, but I never found a guy who was SMART enough for me. He said that at THIS POINT, any guy willeing to marry me and put up with me should be good enough. I think he was the one who told ED that. FOOEY! I will NOT compremize on a guy. I know I could get alot of guys, but they all just want to have sex with me, burp, and roll over to sleep. DOUBEL FOOEY ON THAT!!! I need a guy who will respect me and who is smart, and who earns alot of money and who will NOT just want sex and to burp and roll over in bed. I had that with Alan. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      Can the HIVE find me a DECENT man? I will consider any reaseaonable offer. HELP!!!!!

    • Anonymous :

      I think you want to be more in the 500-600 ballpark. Two weeks of 40 hrs per week is 40,000-48,000 at this rate. I work in PE and we would be paying consultants closer to this figure for this kind of work. As an aside, we once had someone quote us 200/hr for consulting work, and the partner in charge decided not to hire him because there was no way he could provide anything useful to us if that was his market rate. Basically, there is a lot of money in PE and we totally lose sight of other industries that might pay their consultants less. This is definitely a situation to go high and let them negotiate it down if they feel the need (they probably won’t).

      • private equity labor rates? :

        Thanks for this valuable perspective Anonymous – while I am actually considered a national expert in my field, this is a completely different planet as far as rates go. Your anecdote is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I had an initial conversation with the client and they made it clear I was exactly what they needed. Your insight – and willingness to share – is an just another example of why this community rocks!!

  16. happiness? :

    I’ve been thinking a lot about what actually makes people happy in life. We all strive to get certain things like a great career, a relationship, maybe children or owning a home. But do those things actually make us happy? I know people that have none of those things and seem thrilled with their lives. And I know others that have three or four of those things but never seem satisfied.

    What actually brings you happiness? Do you find that it’s the same things that the culture/society tells you should make you happy?

    • Puppies.

    • Boston 2L :

      I’m not at a point where I particularly want a marriage or could afford a home, but I find that two things are key for my personal happiness: loved ones (friends and family) and success based upon what I want/know I can do. I think that, because I want a great career, that will make me happy if I succeed it – but if what I really wanted of myself was to sit in a park and meet people or to take pictures or something, I’d be happy as well. With loved ones, I think it is more difficult – it depends on so many things (the hand you are dealt in life, past experiences, and sometimes, sadly, your work and position in society) – but if you find people who truly match you (fit your life, love you, you love, and basically help keep each other happy however that may be), that matters.

      I think that different definitions of success and happiness are why some people are happy in their lives while others (who by societal terms may be seen as more successful) are not.

      It is difficult to separate out from culture/society, since I think that plays a lot into what I think I should do in my life and goals I set for myself. However, I try to look at myself based on my expectations rather than the societal ideal – as tough as that is.

    • At the risk of being a mood killer, to be honest I don’t feel like I’m TRULY happy very often. I always feel worried or stressed about something. I like getting my nice paychecks, but then I feel stressed when a lot of it just goes to student loans or saving for a down payment. I feel happy if a partner compliments me on doing a good job at something. What makes the happiest is spending care free and relaxing time with my husband, but that’s rare because we’re both attorneys so one of us is always stressed about something 99% of the time!

    • Read the Happiness Project. The author spent a year researching that topic through her own life.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Interesting question and something I’ve indirectly been reading about lately. I’m not quite sure how to express it but I’m happiest when things in my life seem to flow. It’s when I’m being challenged and rising to the occasion at work and things are relaxed but not boring in my personal life. At the same time though it isn’t really anything external that makes me happy deep inside. Sometimes external things like lighting a candle and reading a book on a crisp fall day with the windows open can put me in a good mood, but I don’t really think of a good mood as being equivalent to being happy. Likewise, when something happens and I’m in a bad mood I’d still consider myself happy inside because the bad mood is temporary.

    • I think happiness is basically expectations minus reality. If what you think your life should be is greater than what it is, you’re likely to be unhappy; and if your reality is in line with or greater than your expectations of your life, then you’re more likely than not to be content. This is why I think FB makes people so miserable — you compare your life to the “best of” that gets posted by your friends and family and you feel inferior when in reality it is all just a well-curated image. In terms of society, I also think that for people in their 20s and 30s, part of what causes unhappiness is that we were raised to think we are each a special little snowflake that will grow up to change the world, but as Megan’s mom said it so well on Mad Men, “all little girls can’t grow up to be ballerinas.”

      On a personal level, what makes me content with life is trying to be grateful. It’s so easy to focus on all the things one doesn’t have or all those things you think you should be doing, but I just try to be grateful for something every day. Some days, I almost trip on the stairs and I think, “I could have broken my leg” and it makes me thankful that I am okay. I think it’s important to always keep in mind all the things that are right, not just to focus on what’s missing.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        “happiness is basically expectations minus reality”

        That is so wise AIMS. I love that description.

      • +1000.

      • dancinglonghorn :

        my dissertation adviser (seriously the happiest person I know) always said that happiness is about expectations management – especially in relationships! Expect little. Be pleasantly surprised everyday!

    • Anonymous :

      Without exception, every.single.person who has ever pressured me to settle down has been on the verge of divorce in their own relationship.

      • I’ve noticed this pattern too. I think a lot of it is jealousy: I had to marry the wrong person and be miserable for decades, so why don’t you? It may also be too scary for some people to sit with the idea that staying single for longer would have been…just fine at the time, and better in the long run.

    • I like to think that I’m generally happy, but that may be wishful thinking. The moments when I can remember feeling “true happiness” were usually in the wilderness: camping somewhere or on a hike. I think it’s because when I get away from distractions I can get more clarity and am able to acknowledge all the good in my life, instead of focusing on the stress. Also when I laugh really really hard, which is usually when I’m just hanging out with friends.

      The last life event that I had where I felt truly happy was when I had finished the Bar and was on a camping trip with friends. I was sitting in my camp chair, sunning myself and drinking a beer while reading. It was quiet and peaceful, and I had absolutely NOTHING to stress about, because for the first time in a long time there was nothing I needed to do.

      I think happiness is all about managing your expectations. If you constantly are expecting more from people or your job, or are constantly trying to compare yourself to others, you’re ultimately going to end up disappointed. But, if you can calibrate what you want in life to what you are likely to get (given your career choices, your job market, your earning potential, etc.), then you are much more likely to be happy with the results.

      • I am a banana. :

        I’m with you on being truly happy mostly in the wilderness. I think it is because it is so much bigger and more permanent than me and my problems. Gives me some perspective.

      • Almost all of mine are when I’m traveling to some beautiful, sunny new (or old) place in Europe. I think that’s because I’m 1) doing something I love more than just about anything; and 2) everything MH said about getting away from those everyday stressors and worries, and getting to refocus on all of the good things and opportunities in my life.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Your experiences that you describe as “true happiness” are things I’d describe as “bliss.” Not sure how different they really are, but they are definitely related in my mind. I think of happiness more as a long-term underlying feeling punctuated by moments of bliss.

    • I’ve thought about this, because DH and I are so different. He had a severe upbringing, with the focus on survival and not on happiness. His culture has a quote that roughly translates into “it doesn’t matter if you are happy as long as you are fed,” which sums up his feelings on happiness. If I ask him if he is happy, he says he doesn’t really know and it doesn’t matter. Happiness isn’t a goal for him, and he picks jobs and activities that are designed to improve society or the well-being of me and our children, with no focus on himself. He has had many tough breaks in life. On the other hand, I had a great childhood and all sorts of things landed perfectly in place for me (good schools, dream job, great boss, husband, children, house, parents nearby) — I almost feel guilty for how happy I am all the time when he never really seems happy, yet we share the same life and he just doesn’t do happiness the way I do. I guess I don’t really get it, but do think about it a lot.

      • Anonymous :

        I aim to be content, not to be happy, because being happy seems greedy in some way. If I’m happy, a dip will follow, but if I’m just content, I can maintain it forever.

    • I recently borrowed this book from library called “Geography of Bliss”, very interesting scientific results about happiness across different countries with good humor from the author. Good read.

    • Lady Harriet :

      A few weeks ago I posted that I finally applied for a new job, after putting it off for far too long. I didn’t hear back from the company in the time period that was listed on their website as a typical wait, so I dove back into depression and feeling sorry for myself for being a failure that nobody would want to hire. Just last night I was wailing to my parents that I must’ve been obnoxious in the cover letter, and that was why I hadn’t heard anything.

      This afternoon the company called me and I have a phone interview scheduled for Wednesday! I’m 100% qualified for the job and actually have a little more experience than they’re looking for. At this point, I don’t even care so much if they hire me, I’m just thrilled that a company like me enough for an interview. This is actually only the second professional job I’ve applied for and then been called for an interview, so I’m nervous, but I feel like I know so much more about how to interview well than I did last time, about 18 months ago. (I got my current job entirely through connections, so I never had a formal interview process. It’s a great job in many ways, but I think it’s time to move on.)

      Anyway, I just wanted to say that if this can happen to me while being depressed, very stuck in all aspects of my life, and without much professional experience, then good things can certainly happen to the rest of you too! RAWR.

      • Lady Harriet :

        Whoops, I meant to post this below! However, here are the things that make me happy:

        -Being around children. I don’t have any, so it’s mostly friends’ kids at this point, but being around them brings me so much joy. I feel a strong desire to get married and have children as soon as I reasonably can and have for a number of years. My religion highly values marriage an families, so this is totally normal for my peers from that group, but society in general seems somewhat baffled that someone my age (mid-20’s) would be so eager to “tie myself down.”

        -Swing dancing makes me very happy. I have insecurity sometimes about being asked to dance or my skill level, but dancing itself makes me feel amazing.

        -Having family and friends that really care about me and are willing to put time into our relationships.

        -Feeling as if my life has a purpose and that I am contributing to others’ lives in some way. This is something I’m definitely working on and unemployment/underemployment has a great tendency to rob me of it.

        -Sunsets and good weather. They’re some of the best parts about living in Florida. I think I may have SAD, so living in a cold northern climate made me miserable.

        • I also love dancing, including swing and zumba. Even though I’m awful. Who cares? It’s music. Music makes me happy.

    • Famous Internet Cats.

      No, really. That is pretty much the only thing that makes me happy.

    • Forgetting where the article I just read on this was, but it boiled down to: loving relationships. Could be with friends, family, children, life partner, whomever. But having love in your life is the number one thing that increases happiness in the long run. Second was meaningful work.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      When I first read this I thought – oh boy, but after giving it some thought, I am happy when I have a sense of accomplishment, and not necessarily my own. When I can support my kids doing their best and achieving, I am happy, supporting my husband in his goals etc.. I am happy. working at a job I mostly love, and enables my family to have and do the things they enjoy – I feel a sense of achievement. Still, I enjoy big wins, and closing great deals and resolving disputes.

      I do not like chaos and discord/confrontation for the sake of confrontation in my personal life.

    • I think happiness is fleeting and is enjoyed when things ‘peak’ or are new. Contentment I think is the real, stable, continuous ‘life happiness’ that people look for. The contentment feeling, in my perception, comes from 1) no major ongoing trauma or stress 2) having made choices you can live with/that are ‘right’ for you 3) having time and the inclination to have little pleasures (a perfect cup of coffee, stopping to see the sunset, fun/romantic time with your SO, seeing friends) and having these achievable pleasures be ‘enough’ to fill your emotional needs.

    • ExcelNinja :

      My dad died very suddenly when I was 12, which taught me that you or anyone you love can go at any time. I live every day as though it could be my last or a loved ones’ last. Everything makes me happy. It’s a constant joy to be alive.

      (I see you rolling your eyes from across the interwebs, but it’s true for me! sorry I’m so lame :0)

      Yesterday I was walking to work from the train station and the blue sky and sun made me so happy.

      Today I was lucky enough to cuddle up on the couch with my DH and watch a StarCraft tournament (who knew that these things existed!).

      Tomorrow we’re going ice skating. Maybe at the rink I will have a brain aneurysm and die but I’ll be smiling right up until that very moment.

    • Some of the happiest people I’ve known in my life were my grandparents from the WWII generation. They told me they felt lucky to have survived the war. Their whole lives felt like a gift, because at one point, they could have lost it all. They had a whole different level of gratitude. Both my grandparents were never demanding or manipulative to their families. They were very independent, trying to exemplify good qualities for the rest of us. The same is true for my husband’s grandparents. Maybe they kept their unhappiness to themselves, true, so we certainly didn’t see the whole story, but there was a brightness about them too that I think was real. I try to bring that kind of positive attitude and gratitude into my own life. Don’t expect that everything should be perfect. Lose the entitlement. Be grateful for the real good in your life — friends, family, a stable home, food on the table, whatever it might be.

      • Silvercurls :

        “Don’t expect that everything should be perfect. Lose the entitlement. Be grateful for the real good in your life — friends, family, a stable home, food on the table, whatever it might be.”

        Thank you. This is beautiful.

  17. Poppyseed :

    I’ve been at my job for just 3 months, and I know it’s not right for me. I’m willing to give it a few more months, but I know I want to leave before my 1-year contract is up (actually, more like ‘contract’ because nothing was signed… though we have an agreement for the length of time). I think I want to leave at the 6-month mark. How bad would that be? And how can I spin it? There’s no growth here and it’s not something I’d want to do beyond the year, FOR SURE.

    • Do you have something else lined up? You never know how long your job search will take and might put you close to the one-year mark anyway. Also, I would think about whether you would burn any needed bridges? Do you work in a small industry? Do you need a good reference from this job? Anyway, just things I would consider.

    • If you have something else lined up, and don’t have a other short stint work, then you are probably fine.

      If you don’t have anything else lined up, then you stay the full year or until you do have something else. It’s a year, you’ll be fine. (Unless it majorly unethical or totally shady, which you didn’t suggest). Then you can explain it as moving on to something better, not quitting something you didn’t like. If it’s just boring, or not as fulfilling as you thought, think of it as paying your dues as a working member of society.

  18. Atomic Atty :

    Next week, another associate (3rd year, patent litigation) and I (1st year patent litigation associate ) will be meeting with a potential Partner for our group. He has other interviews earlier in the day, but we will be the only associates he meets with. I am happy my firm allows us to have some input, but I really am not sure what he would expect to be answering from associates, or things I should ask. I get that it’s a two-way process, he is screening us too. Is there anything I should be aware of on that front? Thanks!

    • If it were me, I would ask what is your management style? Can you please provide a couple of examples? I worked with a horrible micro manager of a partner and it would’ve been interesting to see what his answer to this question would be….

    • As an associate, I want partners who are going to bring in lots of interesting work. I’d ask about typical cases he works on, what his most challenging ones have been, etc.

    • Especially as a junior associate, I would ask about the partner’s delegation philosophy and ask for examples of what types of work he would give each of you on a particular type of file, as well as how he generally communicates feedback.

      • Atomic Atty :

        ANON, Anon., and Nonny, these are really good suggestions! Thank you! This also gives me the confidence to actually ask these questions. The delegation philosophy is a really on-point suggestion as I know this candidate is coming from a firm with *no* 1-3 associates, all 4th years and above.

    • Wedding ugh :

      I wasn’t in love with any of my photos either, especially the ones that really showed off my body, since I felt like I was the only bride in history that managed to GAIN 20 pounds before the big day instead of lose it. It’s been three years and though I still see the “flaws,” I also remember how much fun I had that day and how happy both of us were (and still are), so I’ve gotten used to it. The hubs loves them much more than me and I consider our album to be something more for my children and a way to remember everyone else who was there.

      And quite frankly, after spending all that time focusing on your wedding and your day and you finally get the HUGE packet of pictures, you get so sick of looking at yourself. If you take a break, you might find you look a bit better.

  19. Anonymous :

    We just got our wedding pictures back and I don’t love them. There are a few nice ones and my husband looks great, but I feel like I could have been better. My make up looks harsh, my heels are sinking into the grass and I’m standing awkwardly in a few shots, I don’t like my smile because I showed no teeth and it looks forced but I don’t like my teeth which is why I don’t smile with them, and I feel like I could have lost 5-10 lbs and looked much better. I know that probably in 20 years, I’ll look back and think how young we looked and how great it was, but right now I can’t help but feel like I’m mad at myself for not having lost some weight like everyone else does for their big day, or not practiced smiling and standing in front of a mirror, or not having gotten a better make up person…. I guess this is just me getting it off my chest but I’m hoping some of you wise women can just make me feel better.

    • Oh no! You know what, why don’t you put them away and then go back to them in a few days. I honestly didn’t LOVE my wedding pictures when I first saw them but then the more I looked at them, the more I loved them! Regardless of how you look, they are memories of an incredibly special day in your life so hopefully the pictures will remind you of those memories and make you smile :)

    • If it makes you feel better I felt exactly the same about my wedding photos — even though everyone else tells me they’re great (which I’m not sure if that’s better or worse). I think you have to think of it as documenting a great day, less that they are beautiful photos – you’ll love them later on because of the memories they’ll bring, not because of the aesthetics. That, and make an effort to get people to take pics of you and your hubs when you’re out together so that you feel like you have some new nice photos.

    • Sorry. For what it’s worth I don’t love mine either – a combination of hating my hairstyle and our photog not be being very creative and taking almost all the shots from one angle that I don’t think is very flattering. Plus, we actually had to crop a photo to use for the newspaper because we had NO close-up with both of us smiling and looking at the camera. Remember this isn’t your last chance to have professional pictures taken – most of my friends have done professional family photos once they’ve had kids (or even pets). And at least you got a few nice ones for framing! I know people who have hated ALL their wedding photos. I hope they grow on you.

    • Anon Photographer :

      This won’t fix everything, but if you’ve found your makeup too harsh, pick out a few photos you otherwise like and ask your photographer to brighten them up and make them a little more exposed – it will soften up the whole photo. Your photographer can also decrease the clarity, which will also soften up the look. Also, converting color into black and white with similar principles (brighter and more exposed) can help with that too. If you used a professional, they should want you to be happy and a lot can be done in the editing room.

    • I hated my wedding video, but wow has my view of it changed in the almost 20 years since then. I don’t care anymore about how I looked as a bride; I’m looking at the people I loved who are gone now, and I can see them move and hear them talk . . . It’s all about seeing my friends and family in one place, to celebrate with us, and who cares what everybody looks like. But that’s not to belittle how you feel about your photos; I’m sorry about that, and maybe there’s some way to work with the photog to fix them up a bit, or even take them elsewhere to see if they can be edited.

    • If you had looked absolutely flawless/the best you have ever looked in your whole life because you starved yourself and caked yourself in makeup, you would look at them in 10-15 years and feel sad that you don’t look that way anymore (even though it wasn’t a realistic image of how you normally are). Now you will be able to look back and be reminded of who you really were and how much fun you had at that point in your life.

    • If you still have your dress, retake them! You might as well be happy with them, right?

      • Wildkitten :

        + 1 Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point did this and was happy with the results.

    • you will probably feel differently in 10 years. not much consolation now, i know. i have some body confidence issues due to babies and slacking off on my gym time, but i tell myself that in 15 years i will look at my pictures today and wonder where the pretty young girl went!

    • Oh, honey. Be nicer to yourself! Your weight, your makeup, your smile— they might bug you, but it’s not because you didn’t look great on your wedding day! Some other insecurity, or maybe some unreasonable expectations, have gotten hold of you, I think.
      Do you normally like photos of yourself, or do you usually think you don’t look good? If the latter is true, then you have to remember that there is no magic wedding-exception that will make you like *these* photos of yourself; that’s going to come from practicing some self-love and acceptance. If usually you like photos of yourself and this was a fluke, then (1) lucky you! and (2) sure, why not get a few more pictures of you in your wedding dress with some makeup you like better? Assuming your budget allows for it. But don’t feel like it’s necessary to do that, at all. I suspect the photos you already have are great, and you’ll hear that from people in your life, and get used to looking at them, and feel better. But if not, get some more!

      Finally, if it’s any consolation, I’ve been married for over three years and have not looked at my photos again since getting them. I hardly had any printed, and wouldn’t have an album if my dad had sent me a copy of one he made for himself. I want them to have them for historical value, but displaying them or even looking at them frequently, not so much. You might realize that you feel similarly. So it might not matter at all, once you gt over your initial disappointment.

      Finally-finally, let yourself be little disappointed if you must, but please don’t blame yourself /your appearance. Be nicer to yourself! These photos are of the first day of your marriage, not just your wedding. There is joy there!!!

    • New Bride :

      I got married 6 months ago and hate my pictures too.

      I actually hated my hair that day. My DH told me on the wedding day that he loved it, and everyone else did too. But I still hate it.

      I also really liked our photographer. We interviewed several artsy/”journalism-style” photographers and picked this one. I like the candids and some of the creative bridals shots.

      But our family portraits are awful. The lighting is bad, some people aren’t even looking at the camera, etc. My family takes photos all the time, so they knew pretty much what to do, but my DH’s sweet shy parents aren’t smiling and it makes me so sad to see them. His dad had to buy a suit for the wedding, and his mom got this really pretty dress, and all the pictures we have are of them frowning. WTF.

      All I can really do is suck it up. I look at the pictures now and think it was happy, but I remember a lot of the stress too. With the hair thing, I think I just need to shut up about it. I can’t change it now, so there’s no point telling everyone who sees the pictures that I hated my hair. I just shouldn’t say anything if I can’t say something nice, even about my own self. (In other words, I should STFU with the self-hate.)

      These are the pictures we have (and we paid a ton for). We aren’t going to go back and start our marriage over because I hate the photos. It will be fine in the end. But I’m with you – I worked so hard to get things perfect, and photography was something we really cared about, and it turned out crappy.

    • I wasn’t wild about mine. I chose to wear my long hair completely back because I thought it would frizz otherwise– but it looked harsh, and it would have been so nice down, what was I thinking? And my makeup person was a whackadoodle who thinks everyone should wear red lipstick and coral blush. My husband looked sickly despite being tall and good looking. My photographer who I thought was so good was actually pretty lame– we could have done so much better. BUT . . . we do have a couple that are decent, so those are the ones in the frames that are out. I think they’re black and white– that helped, and any color photo can be made black and white (that was trendy 15 years ago), and they’re from a little further away. The rest are in the album (which I insisted on making myself because I thought the hard bound ones were cheesy, but of course mine turned out awful because I am not crafty or skilled). It’s in a cabinet and we rarely look at it. But my kids love it, and that’s what counts. Which is a long winded way of saying, it’s not that big of a deal.

      • Also, my dress was too low cut and was loose by the day of the wedding, so I swear to God you can see nipple in one shot where I’m leaning over. God only knows what the guests saw. Fail.

  20. London Recommendations, please! :

    I am going to London over the holidays (yay!!) and I found a flat to stay in (in the Bayswater neighborhood) & have theater tickets and reservations for tea and a tour of Buckingham Palace. My questions are – (1) does anyone have recommendations for some fun, local London blogs? (2) Also, I’ll be there for New Year’s Eve – for those of you who live there, how hard is it to get dinner at a pub that night? Anything to avoid/know about that day/evening? and (3) based on where I’m staying, anything in the neighborhood that’s a local favorite?

    Thanks in advance!
    -Carrie Preston

    • Look up FFiona’s (double F intentional). It’s near SouthKen and is an incredibly intimate restaurant with great food. Go shopping on Ledbury Road in Notting Hill (also walkable). Make sure to wait for the sales to go shopping. I like Bond St, Oxford St and New Bond St. It’s fun to go to a department store or two–my favorite are Browns and Selfridges. Harrods’ food court is fun, but not necessary. Check out Time Out London (they are online) to see what else is happening. Check out a recent NYT article on London–it came out in the past month and had some great recs.

      Should not be a problem to get dinner in a pub on NYE, but I would try to book a proper dinner reservation somewhere. The fireworks are usually over the Thames near Westminster/Parliament. Be careful with Tubing/Taxis as the tube stops running…just something to think about if you’re out past midnight…your hotel can explain Night Busses to you.

      In terms of day trips, considering doing a day trip to either Oxford or Cambridge. It’s easy to get to Hampton Court Palace via train too–it’s a short ride out. If you want to go further afield and have more time, consider Stonehenge. It’s fun to ride the boat between the Tate and Tate Modern. It’s fun to pop into any of the free British museums–Natl Portrait Gallery, V&A, etc. And my 2nd favorite museum is Sir John Soane’s House–basically a semi-wealthy guy died and decreed his house should stay exactly the same–and so it’s like stepping back in time…very intimate and very cool. My very most fave museum is the Cabinet War Rooms.

      Have a great trip.

      Some of my favorite high street stores are Jigsaw, Hobbs, Karen Millen and LK Bennett. Enjoy!

      • Carrie Preston :

        Thank you so much!! Exactly what I was looking for!!

        • Forgot to tell you to try to book tea at Claridges or the Dorchester. Tiny sandwiches! Huzzah. Really pricy but you feel like royalty and it’s very memorable.

          I also like going down to Greenwich (you can take the DLR from Bank Tube or a mainline train from London Bridge–it’s like a 10 minute ride). It’s pretty cool to step on the meridian and think, “time starts here!”

          Neal’s Yard in Covent Garden is also a favorite shopping destination I forgot to mention too. They have lovely lotions and potions.

    • London Recs :

      I am not sure what play you already you have tickets for, but I would highly. highly recommend The Light Princess at the National Theatre on the South Bank. The reviews in the press were mixed, but I would have honestly gone back the very next day to see it again if I weren’t returning to New York. It can be combined with other South Bank activities like the Tate Modern or Borough Market, a fantastic food market. On previous trips to London, I have also really enjoyed BrakeAway Bike Tours (I did the one of East London).

    • I’d recommend going on the London Eye, but book your tickets on-line first to avoid queuing twice. I second the suggestion of Borough Market if you like food. Liberty on Regent Street is a beautiful 1900s building with the most amazing shopping. Have a wonderful time.

    • In terms of blogs, I love “the Londoner.” She is adorable and always posting about fun stuff she is doing in town – restaurants, events, etc.

  21. Anon for this - going back to a job you don't love :

    I go out for maternity leave in a couple of months, and right now I’m struggling with my new-ish job. There just isn’t a lot for me to do…and it’s getting harder to contemplate wanting to leave my baby at home to come to being bored all day. I’ve tried to let my boss know that I’m feeling underutilized, and he keeps assuring me that things will get better…but they haven’t. I haven’t outright told him that I’m starting to wonder whether it would be worth coming back at all at this point, is that a bad idea.

    For some context, I’m at a really big company, so there are potentially many other opportunities with my current employer. I’m not sure, though, when it would make sense to start to seriously explore them. My preference would be to work with my group, which has a focus that I really want to be a part of, but I’m just not getting traction…or even a well-defined role.

    • blueridge29 :

      FWIW I would give it time. Not sure if this is your first baby, but your feelings may change. I just had my baby in July and am starting a new job in a few weeks. Having spent 3 months at home has been great but I am excited about returning to work. There are SO many ‘mones to deal with during and after pregnancy that I would give it time. Best wishes on the rest of your pregnancy

    • You’re probably being under-utilized because you’re pregnant. They may have been burned before by people who promise to come back and don’t. They may legitimately feel like they can only give you rather short-term projects. Don’t read too much into it :-).

  22. Equity's Darling :

    For my fellow Canadians, I have officially lost my 6th poppy. I am awful at keeping them on my jacket, and then I feel like a terrible citizen for not having one, even though I’ve spent close to $30 on them. I’m betting it’ll take 9 to get through the 11th.

    • Wildkitten :

      I love that r3tt3s have told me about the poppies! I’ve been so surprised at the folks who keep them. They always look so fake. I’d need a new one every day. More $ means more $ to vets, right?

      • Equity's Darling :

        Yes, but it’s also such a waste – instead of losing a dozen every year and littering the streets with my lost poppies, I’d be happier to donate a higher amount, and get a magnetic one or something every year so it would stay on, and not poke through my clothes.

        I recognize this is not a real problem, I’m more just amazed that I cannot manage to keep a poppy for more than a day.

    • You have to get the vets to put them on you. They have the magic skill so that they don’t come off.

    • 4 ideas:

      1. Some poppy boxes have little clear plastic holders to stick on the end of the pin

      2. If you thread the pin twice through your lapel it’s less likely to fall out

      3. My (veteran) husband puts the pin through 1.5 times, then duct tapes it on the back side of the fabric, leaving only the poppy and no pin end showing – duct tape – there’s nothing it can’t do!

      4. I have heard of folks putting the poppy on a lapel with one or two stitches. Apparently the PM has his sewn on!

      OTOH, more poppies = more $ for the Legion as Wildkitten says!

      • Equity's Darling :

        I’m going to try the tape method with poppy number 7….thanks for the tips, and thanks your husband for his service!

        • What a thoughtful comment!

          It was actually often a fun time when he was in – lots of fancy dinners and great cameraderie, not to mention how fabulous everyone looked in their uniforms! He was posted to a base south of Calgary with lots of British Army and those folks know how to throw a party, and the Canadians have the best food in any army anywhere. I know there are things he misses about it but I’m just as glad not to have that extra layer of worry as much as all those folks are so fulfilled by the idea of “Honour, Duty, and the Queen” and all that!

          Hope the Chinook comes soon to warm you up in Calgary! Good luck with the next poppy.

  23. How strict is the return policy at Lord and Taylor? I ordered a coat from the site, thought I loved it, pulled off the tag … and realize it’s too big. Think I can return it to the store?

  24. 2L Trouble :

    Ladies, I’m having a rough time.

    I’m a 2L who struck out at OCI. I’ve been working my butt off since (and actually before/during) applying to places throughout the Northeast (much more so New England). I get a lot of interviews but I don’t get beyond them. I’m told I’m a good interviewer (I’ve done a ton of mock interviews) and I don’t get overly nervous or anything that would make a real interview different from a mock. I’ve basically been told that I’m good and my experience is good, but the economy is bad, class sizes are smaller, and I just didn’t quite make the cut. I’ve been doing everything I can – I networked like anything last year and this year, applied everywhere I could possibly get to (and not just firms), etc. I just don’t know what else to do and, while I have more interviews lined up (not for a while, though) and am waiting to hear back on some, I just don’t know what to do. I know some markets I’ve applied to (like Providence) don’t seem to hire until later. I also know that I haven’t used my connections/network as much as I should have – and I’m trying to do that more (though it may be too little too late). But I’d like to at least have some option and knowledge that I am set for next summer.

    I have medical issues – nothing life threatening, but multiple major issues that affect me daily. They aren’t things others can see, so people only know when they make me incapable of doing anything. I feel like these are just getting worse and more painful – but I don’t know what to do. My doctors have basically said we’ve gotten things to a tolerable level and that’s all we can do for now. I’d probably be a lot better off losing some weight, too, but that’s another matter. (Right now, I just want to get rid of the fat on my face that has developed recently.)

    In my personal life, things seem to be going downhill. I feel like friendships are disappearing and I don’t know why. I’ve always focused on quality over quantity of friendships, but I feel like I have fewer high quality friendships. For instance, I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about all of this right now. There are a couple who would drop everything, but I don’t want to explain things to them (neither are in law and they think I can do anything) or intrude into their lives, which are very busy and stressful right now. I can’t even see them, because they aren’t even within an hour of me right now. Friends in law school get it, but people are either oblivious because they got jobs, oblivious because they don’t understand the legal market, want other kinds of jobs, or focused on their own job hunt (and rightfully so). Plus, I don’t really want to get into medical issues with people, because that just doesn’t work. My roommates are stressing me out, even though they are nice (and would be nice if I talked to them – but we just aren’t close enough that I would intrude on them that way or really want them to know everything about me).

    I don’t have time to do anything, but I have trouble motivating myself. I need to study, catch up in classes, apply to more places (basically find some more to apply to at this point), keep up with networking and connections, catch up on email, etc. But I keep finding time going by without getting work done and I don’t know why (and I’m not spending all of my time on this site or anything, either – I haven’t been on here much at all lately). I’ve been spending time doing other things, which I shouldn’t, but I need to in order to maintain some sanity sometimes!

    I know that my life is good and I should be happy, but I’m having a rough time. I think I’m having some hormone issues, too, because I’ve definitely been having mood swings (I know I’m feeling down right now). But even when I’m happier, I cannot seem to motivate myself and so much is going downhill right now.

    Sorry. I don’t know what the point of posting this is other than to let somebody know. Plus, it’s a bit of a release to just type it out!

    • Wildkitten :

      2L after striking out in OCI was the nadir of law school. Feel free to email Wildkittenr3tt3 but with e’s at the mail of google.

    • dancinglonghorn :

      out of curiosity, is it PCOS? I have PCOS and some of what you are saying rang true for me…..

      • 2L Trouble :

        One of the medical issues is. I just started on a new medicine for the PCOS (well, not to really treat it so much as the symptoms – just hormones (bc), but a different one that will apparently be better).

        • dancinglonghorn :

          I have been trying to get on the proper medicine for PCOS for over a year and am finally getting close to finding the right one! Its such a frustrating process but I can say that once they figure out what medicines work for you, you really will feel a lot better. For me, Metformin & a thyroid med (I have Hashimotos Autoimmune) are really working wonders and I’m finally starting to feel a lot more like myself!

          So Hang In There! Great job on trying new meds- persevere until you get it figured out.

          And I hope your doc has experience treating PCOS. My first doc (who diagnosed) had little experience and put me on a string of bc pills (which I react terrible towards – think vomiting within 1 hour of taking the bc pill) and it was just a total failure. I found a new doc with experience treating it who immediately put me on met and I immediately felt better.

          Anyway, I don’t want to post my email here publicaly but if it would be helpful to chat offline about this stuff, let me know and we’ll figure it out!

          • 2L Trouble :

            The first (diagnosing) doctor acted like she had a lot of experience with PCOS, but I found out after switching that she apparently did a lot of things badly. I’d really like to hear your story – I’ve only been on various forms of hormones (so different bc) for it. I was posting the story on here, but I think it’ll be a lot better to chat via email!

            I’d like to chat more. If you want to email [email protected]@ at google mail, I’d appreciate it!

    • Pretzel_Logic :

      My 2L fall was very, very rough. On a lot of the levels you’re describing. I know you feel like you’re putting a lot on people by talking to them about everything, but if you do have a couple people in your life you can basically cry to, I’d really encourage you to do that. Let it out in healthy outlets and I can virtually guarantee you’re going to feel somewhat better. I bottled up all my stuff that year and had rather disastrous results from hiding my problems (the first time I’d ever struggled in school was that fall) until I let some close friends/family know and admitted I was struggling. (My stuff is anxiety and depression and that fall gave me the tools to fight it long-term, but good lord, it was terrible at the time.) And it’s okay to struggle and to feel sad even if your life is good! Don’t beat yourself for feeling bad, I’m familiar with that circular struggle and it’s counterproductive and not true. It’s okay to have down times.

      One small thing that helped me was thinking every day about the things I’m thankful for. I try to do this every time I feel down because it helps me take the focus out of my head and moves it outward, if that makes sense. I’m a Christian so that may make this is a slightly different experience for me than for you if you’re not religious or whatever, but physically writing down simple things that I’m thankful for–this Backstreet Boys song is my JAM right now, the sun came out today, this cup of tea is delicious–somehow helps. I’m serious, it can be diddly stuff like that, and it helps. It really does.

      BTW, you are right–you do need to do things for yourself that have nothing to do with jobs and school. I know that is really, really freaking hard, particularly in the throes of 2L. I thought 1L was cake, honestly, but 2L kicked my tail. Most of my friends agreed that 2L was their toughest year on all fronts of their lives. But honestly, I’m a recent grad and recently barred and I’m job hunting and it SUCKS, my whole life kind of feels like crap sandwich right now, and taking the time to do cheap things like marathon watching Breaking Bad on Netflix helps keep me sane. It’s so dumb, but doing stuff like painting my nails stupid colors helps me avoid dwelling on how I really need a job, my dad really needs a job, all my friends have moved, I have to move away from a city I love, etc. Those problems don’t go away, but “taking care of myself” with things that seem silly (and I did this in law school as well) helps me avoid the toxic jerkbrain mindset I’m so prone to.

      This was a very long-winded way of saying I absolutely know how you feel and you are NOT alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out and I hope things turn around for you very soon.

      • 2L Trouble :

        Thank you SO much for the long post. [Also, the acoustic version of Collide by Howie Day started playing on pandora while I was reading this. Perfect!]

        I’ve always been bad at sharing with people (which isn’t helped by the fact that my friends pretty much always left me after a year or two growing up). I know I need to work on it, but it’s tough! I will try to do this more, though. I do have a couple of people that I can do this with – it’s just tough.

        I used to do that as well – one of my religion teachers in high school had us do something similar and I always loved it. I was actually talking to someone about it recently. I’m going to start again – thanks for the suggestion. I agree – it does help to write it down so much more than even just thinking about it. No idea why, but I won’t question it!

        I’m glad to hear that. I do just small things – going for a walk, letting myself sleep a little, watching an hour of tv, cooking, etc. – but I feel like it is such a relief. I’ve also seen people who don’t do anything else and they are even more outwardly stressed than I am inwardly, so I don’t want to reach that level.

        Thanks again!

    • Coach Laura :

      2L Trouble – Posting/venting here is good because you get people like WildKitten, dancinglonghorn and PretzelLogic who want to help and have good advice. But since you need IRL people, perhaps a counselor would help. Can you try your school counseling center?

      If your health issues are MS, Lupus or RA (or even PCOS), this book may be helpful: “Women, Work and Autoimmune Disease – Keep Working, Girlfriend.”

      • 2L Trouble :

        Thanks – I definitely am glad I posted. Everyone is so helpful and nice, which really does make me feel better!

        I’ve tried counseling before, but it just doesn’t really work for me. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and awkward, because I feel like I have to explain everything out and… it’s strange to feel like this person is paid to listen to me, I guess. I tried some different counselors in the past to see if it was fit (and the first one was definitely just a really bad fit, because he made me feel very dumb all the time). One of them was pretty helpful with past stuff but not really present, but I still felt uncomfortable and not like it was tremendously beneficial afterwards. (I stopped seeing her because it was through my school and I graduated.) I think part of it is also my very traditional family, where seeing a therapist would be seen as outrageous (this is also where I get the whole don’t talk to people about problems thing, I’m sure).

        I am going to try to confide in my friends some more (I know of a few that would be very receptive, I just hate troubling people and opening up). If that doesn’t work, I might try counseling again, but it’s just so… strange for me. Thank you for the suggestion, though!

        I am going to get a massage through my school, though (apparently they have a massage therapist give discounted massages to students!). Hopefully that will help me feel a bit better – or at least a bit relaxed!

        That book sounds interesting – I’ll try to get a copy asap.


        • Coach Laura :

          A massage sounds great!

          The book should be at your local library but it’s also very cheap on amazon.($9)

          Too bad counseling didn’t work – although it often takes 2-3 tries to find someone – because you’re dealing with a lot and extra support would be good.

          Take care of yourself!

          • 2L Trouble :

            Thanks! Yeah, I tried 4 different counselors, each for a number of sessions. I realized I was having largely the same issues with all of them (other than that first one) and that it is really counseling that doesn’t work.

            Good to know. I just put it in my cart to buy later.


        • Seattleite :

          Please watch Brene Brown’s TED talks on vulnerability and shame. If they resonate with you, she’s written a couple of books that might be helpful, too. (Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection)

          Your friends who “think I can do anything?” If they are empathetic, they will love you even though you can’t do “anything.” Sooner or later all of us falter (or crash and burn completely), and having friends we can be honest with in those times helps gets us through it. If they are people who *need* you to be the girl who can do anything, and won’t let you admit to being a mere mortal, then fooey on them. Who is the kindest, most accepting person you know? That is the friend to confide in.

          • 2L Trouble :

            I’ll try to watch those later. They sound interesting!

            Oh, none of them would be upset if I can’t do something. It’s more that they don’t really understand the legal market and what a tough spot I’m in. They know my academic & work history and how hard I work & research and so assume that I’ll be able to find and get the perfect job (while I’m just looking for a job that fits and hope at this point to work to where I want to be – I think being flexible in this market is important!). It’s tough to explain the whole system to someone without them going through it, especially that you can “do everything right” and still strike out. They also know that I’ve been interviewing a lot and so assume that means I have options – when I haven’t actually gotten a single offer (I’m waiting on all but one of the interview that I went on in the past month and a half still, so maybe something will result of that, but only one of them was something I am excited by).

            I’ve definitely realized I can’t be that invincible woman for people and have let go of friends who would not accept that – it’s not healthy for me to have them around, because they made me feel worse when i was at my low points! Thanks for pointing it out, though – if I hadn’t gone through that relatively recently, it would be a much needed point!

            I like that “kindest, most accepting person you know” test. :)

          • Sydney Bristow :

            You’ve received really great advice here. One thing I’ve discovered is that sometimes its ok to tell a friend exactly what you need from a conversation. For example, you could start by saying “I know you think I have lots of options and will land on my feet but I really need to vent to you about everything that is going on without you responding that everything will be fine.” Or “please let me get all of this out. I don’t want to try and brainstorm ideas with you, I just want to tell you what is going on.” Being clear about what I need from a conversation has come in helpful for me so maybe it could help you.

          • 2L Trouble :

            Thanks, Sydney Bristow (your name always makes me want to bust out my ALIAS DVDs). I think that it will definitely be helpful for me to say that to start the conversation.

    • I had a really hard time during the fall of my 2L year as well due to a variety of things going on in my life as well as law school itself. I actually contemplated quitting law school, but managed to stick it out (and now have been practicing law for 6 years). My family is also very anti-therapy, but when I saw that our school offered free therapy for law students, I just went. Turned out the therapist wasn’t very good (for me), but just having the weekly meeting to go to gave me hope! My reasoning was, okay, maybe this won’t work, but maybe it will… won’t know unless I try. By the way, even though the therapist wasn’t so great for me, it was much less frustrating talking to him than to either (a) friends/ relatives who haven’t been to law school — who couldn’t relate or (b) other law students — who are dealing with their own freak-outs and/or puffing up with fake self confidence. This particular therapist was familiar with law students, but I think that generally therapists are trained to hopefully not say things that would make you feel worse.

      I also at some point started listening to meditations by Belleruth Naparstek. She has a bunch of different ones (ex: for anxiety, to help you sleep, to help with your health). This really helped me through my interviews, studying for the bar, etc. I would just lie down with headphones on and listen. Her voice is extremely soothing.

      Also, it is only November, there is still lots of time for you to find a summer position, although I completely understand the anxious feeling from not having one yet. I actually didn’t get my first summer position until Spring Break of 1L year and my second summer position until well into the spring semester (and yes, in each case I was practically having a meltdown from the anxiety).

      Anyways, hang in there! 2L year is tough, but I think you are doing the right thing in reaching out to this community — it’s a great resource.

      • 2L Trouble :

        Thanks for your post!

        I’m going to post with links after this to make sure I’m looking at the right thing that you are recommending, if you don’t mind confirming (if you’re still reading).

        Thanks. I know that for 1L summer, the best jobs actually came much later in the year. I found something mid-spring semester, but I was still looking until just before exams (I worked a couple of jobs and had awesome bosses who told me to keep looking and decide at exam time). I keep telling the 1Ls this year the same thing. I guess it is more stressful for me this year, since what you do this summer matters more than last summer and it seems like a lot of jobs I would love to have are going fast (or already gone). It is good to hear that you found a good 2L summer position well into the spring semester – gives me hope!

        • 2L Trouble :

          Link to verify:

          http://www.healthjourneys.com/product_detail.aspx?id=674&special=1 (if so, are there any specific ones that you recommend)? These seem to be available on iTunes and Amazon, too.

          and YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhTSaNwnip8


    • You’ve gotten some good advice already, but I just wanted to chime in and say first, 2L fall is ROUGH. You’re almost through it though! Secondly, lots of firms do lots of 2L hiring in Jan/Feb/March once they know all of the BigLaw firms have completed their hiring. It saves everyone time, even though it makes winter break pretty glum for 2Ls. Take some time now to get yourself feeling better, then focus on getting stellar grades this semester, and then over break, send out more applications. You’ll get through this!! Hugs and high fives for keeping on keeping on!

      • 2L Trouble :

        Thanks! I really appreciate everyone’s advice – I’m already feeling better than I was when I posted.

        I sent a final series of follow ups and am going to continue networking (I already have some things set up), but I’m going to follow your advice and focus on exams/grades for the rest of the semester (considering there is less than a month left – yikes!).

        Thanks! I’m constantly saying “keeping on keeping on” so I love that you ended with that – made me smile!!

  25. I am happy that sheer black hose are back on trend. Anyone else?

  26. Thoughts on gray boots?
    I bought a pair, kind of casual / pseudo moto style, midi-shaft. I like the boot, but am not sure about the color. I like it but am more worried about utility, since I don’t have a lot of casual shoes. Am I just going to end up wishing they were brown or black? Should I own brown and black options before I move on to other colors?

    • Traditionalist :

      I love my grey boots and find they are basically a neutral — I wear them with black and brown and navy and denim. I have brown boots too but I get plenty of wear out of the grey ones and think they put a fun unexpected twist on many outfits. I think grey is chic and makes outfits look more thought-out. I say keep ’em!

    • I think gray is very in this year (and last too). I wear mine with everything, too. They are just another neutral, but a little less severe than black.

      I wear gray, brown, and navy a ton. They are all so much softer than black all the time. (I am not in NYC.)

  27. Question for small firm attorneys! :

    Wondering if anyone can weigh in on a question re: compensation at a tiny law firm. I have been working at a VERY small (think, three attorneys) general practice firm since graduating from law school two years ago. It has been a great fit for me….I have taken on a lot of responsibility and clients, and there’s no shortage of work. I’m currently handling about 3/4 of the firm’s cases (mostly real estate, civil litigation, and municipal work). My boss told me he is thrilled with my performance so far, and wants to talk about my goals as far as compensation goes in the long term.

    Currently I’m paid on salary, which this year happened to work out to about 1/3 of my overall receipts. However, I’m confident I will bill about 30% more next year, since my billing rate has recently increased and I have gotten better at bringing in lucrative work (no more taking every client that walks in the door!). I hit my stride the last few months, and have been assigned more interesting and more valuable cases. My boss basically asked me to figure out a compensation scheme that I would be happy with, but it sounds like he is interested in structuring my pay on some kind of “eat what you kill” basis.

    I am nervous about switching to a system like this. I don’t want to have to worry about paying my mortgage and student loans and such if I have a couple months of low receipts. So I am thinking I will propose that I continue to have a “base salary” close to what I already make, and then receive 1/3 of all receipts above and beyond a certain amount of receipts per month. If I continue my billing patterns from the last six months or so, this would work out to a substantial raise for me (25% minimum most months), but give my boss some reassurance that he won’t be paying me a high salary if I’m not bringing in money to justify it.

    I’m wondering if any of you in small firms would be willing to describe how your compensation structure works, and comment on whether this sounds reasonable? I really like my boss and he is a great attorney and mentor, and he has made it clear that he wants to find a way to keep me here (since my currently salary is not high, and I could easily make more money elsewhere if I were willing to relocate). That said, neither one of us knows how other small firms handle compensating associates, so we are making it up as we go along.

    • It sounds like you could also just ask for like a 20% raise.

      What you’re describing sounds reasonable compared to other small firms I know of. But you are working on 3/4 of the firm’s cases? Wow. You could just ask for a raise, and possibly a quarterly/monthly bonus.

    • Based on what I’ve heard, 1/3 of receipts is pretty much on target with what you should expect to be paid, most small-mid firms range from 1/4-1/3.

  28. so very anon for this :

    So yesterday I accidentally ended up Facebook stalking my ex and his new fiancé. And now I just feel crappy. I don’t really understand how a guy who was such an awful boyfriend was able to move on so quickly while I can’t even find someone I want to date. I put up with a ton of BS with him and somehow I’m the one left alone.

    I know I need to stay off Facebook and that I probably dodged a bullet but still – I don’t really know what to do from here.

    • You don’t know what their relationship is like. She could be a crazy person and they could fight every day. You are better off.

      Try this site: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. It really helped me after a breakup a few years ago.

    • Block him and his fiancé from Facebook. That helped me the most in a similar situation. To see my ex move on so quickly when I am still alone made me incredibly sad and burst out in tears. He hurt me enough already and he doesn’t deserve anymore of my attention. Blocking him helps avoid his name coming up in auto complete when searching and keeps my stalking tendencies in check. The day I am engaged or have beautiful honeymoon pictures, sure I will unblock him but not now when I am home alone on a Saturday night.

  29. MommaAvocate :

    I’m a first time mom who will be returning to work very shortly after a 6 month maternity leave. I’m starting to feel so anxious about leaving my baby everyday to work full-time. I’d love to hear advice from working moms on how to make this transition back to work as smooth as possible. I’m definitely worried about the emotional toll this will take on me, but I’m even more worried about my baby feeling abandoned and confused after becoming so strongly bonded over the past few months.

    • Coach Laura :

      @MommaAvocate – I think it’s natural to be worried about how the baby adjusts to a new caregiver but there is very little evidence/anecdata that babies ever feel abandoned. That being said, here are my tips for making your return work smoothly. (You don’t say what kind of day-care setup you have so this advice isn’t tailored to your situation but should help.)

      1) If possible – go back a week early and work half-days for two weeks. This eases the time-crunch and gets you back into the swing easier.
      2) Or if that’s not possible, the week before you go back, take the baby to the day-care in the morning (at the right time) and then go have coffee, meet your co-workers for breakfast, meet your hubby/partner for coffee. Run an errand or two and return to get the baby. This will get all of you used to the routine.
      3) Arrange for a cleaning service (for a month if you can’t afford it forever), cook/freeze some meals, get meal delivery service, get some crock-pot meals that you can prep ahead of time on the weekend. If nothing else, get lots of take-out menus or the delivery number of your favorite take-out food. The goal here is to go to work, come home and do nothing but sit and talk/hold/feed your baby. Sit on the couch (with partner if possible) and cuddle. This is especially important if you will be nursing. You will need rest, your baby will like being close to you, it will lower your stress and increase the oxytocin to maintain the bond with your baby and keep your milk supply stable. After baby goes to bed, don’t do laundry. Talk to your spouse/partner, have a glass of wine/tea and get extra sleep.
      4) This is the time to use any time-saving trick you have – dry-cleaning delivery, amazon/safeway grocery delivery, prescription delivery, diaper service. If you have friends/family who have offered to help, take them up on it.
      5) Plan a family vacation to look forward to in a few weeks/months. The time will fly and you’ll be in the routine soon.
      6) This shoul be higher up on the list – talk to your day-care provider. They are the experts at helping babies adjust and have seen it all.

      In a few months, all of this will be old hat. Good luck!

      • Coach Laura :

        I forgot a few thoughts.

        If your partner hasn’t taken any time off, perhaps s/he could take a day off each week for the first few weeks.

        If you and spouse have the option of a flexible start time for the first few weeks, one of you could work 7-4 and the other could work 9-6. The 9-6 person could take the baby in the morning and the 7-4 person could pick up. This minimizes day-care duration for the baby.

        Trader Joe’s and Costco both have frozen/chilled prepared meals that can be quickly heated and served.

  30. Hi Ladies! I’m a long time reader but have never posted before. I have a question about Mint.com. I’m a 3L and am getting married/entering BigLaw in the next year. So I thought now would be a good time (or about time) to start getting a handle on my finances. I just set up my Mint account but I’m having trouble adding two loans to it. I have a school loan from ECSI which for some reason I keep getting an error message for when I try to add it. I also have a private, no interest loan of about $12K from a local organization. How can a I manually enter this loan? Since these two loans are about half of my total debt, it’s really screwing up my budgeting by not having them in the calculus. If this isn’t possible, is there another website that you would recommend for me to use instead?

    • layered bob :

      I LOVE software called You Need A Budget (YNAB). Is almost exactly opposite Mint, in that Mint’s selling point is that it automatically syncs with all your financial accounts, and YNAB prefers/demands that you enter every single transaction by hand.

      I’ve used Mint, Quicken, and homemade spreadsheets to manage my money in the last 10 years, and YNAB is definitely best at keeping a handle on my spending (although I miss some charting/analysis features from Quicken, and YNAB does not handle investment accounts well.)

      It has a really great smartphone app to add transactions on the go. My husband loves it too. I transitioned to using YNAB this summer to ease the switch from two incomes to one when I started law school, and I don’t know how exactly but our spending is down $700/month and I feel just way more in control and comfortable with our finances. They have a 30-day free trial I think – I wasn’t totally sure I would love it at the end of 30 days; it took about 90 days for me to really LOVE it – but now I do. Check it out.

    • That’s the problem with Mint – if your bank/brokerage doesn’t work with it, then it doesn’t give you the full picture. And the tech support isn’t very good, for what that’s worth.

      I’d try to use it anyway. I find it very helpful, but not 100% of our accounts are in there. We use it anyway as much as we can.

      • Wildkitten :

        + 1 I don’t think mint has manual add. Ready for Zero or Hello Wallet might work better for you. Mint is the best at adding accounts, but for the ones it doesn’t work with… it doesn’t work with. I also use it anyway.

  31. We got invited to a cocktail party next weekend and the evite says something about “dress up…”

    We don’t know the hosts very well, DH is a client of the guy and has bought his stuff at the last two companies he’s worked at. They like each other and have hung out a few occasions outside of work.

    I met the husband and got along very well with him (mutual love of NPR) but I don’t know what to wear!

    I went shopping today for a LBD but everything was so conservative (I’m 5’2 and recently discovered that I’m a size 12). My current LBD is the tiered black one that everyone had a year ago (this but with different details http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-1528215/expo-tiered-chiffon-shift-dress.jsp?src=Hy3bqNL2jtQ&siteID=Hy3bqNL2jtQ-HIpqMr8MFFRA.cRsyGfZCw) but I feel like its dated.

    Any suggestions? I tried RTR but didn’t find anything. If it’s something I can wear to a Christmas party or two I’m open on budget.


    • I'm Just Me :

      Do you have a particular price point? Any particular likes and dislikes?

      Are you sold on black, or is a colored cocktail dress ok?


      I love the blue: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/adrianna-papell-lace-overlay-fit-flare-dress-regular-petite/3351289?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=COBALT%2F+BLACK&resultback=2187&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_6_A

      I like the gunmetal and the navy for this one, a little more unexpected than black, but not so stand outish to limit how many times you can wear it: http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/marina-dress-cap-sleeve-lace-cocktail-dress?ID=531726&PartnerID=LINKSHARE&cm_mmc=LINKSHARE-_-4-_-34-_-MP434&LinkshareID=J84DHJLQkR4-DeCvveK9MGjaHW.R1rOcVQ

      What about a sequined pencil skirt and a soft sweater combo instead of a dress? Or a metallic top and black skirt?

      • THANK YOU! I love the first one! Funny, I have the second in pool blue but it’s too springy for now. I tried on the gunmetal lace one, but I also look young so the lace doesn’t do much for me. Looks like I get to go to Nordstroms this week. I do also love the idea of a skirt and shirt, I’ll look for those too, but would love suggestions.

        • I'm Just Me :

          The limited: http://www.thelimited.com/product/sequin-pencil-skirt/7303916.html?ppid=c2&start=2&cgid=new-skirts&dwvar_7303916_colorCode=40&cid=AFC-LINK-J84DHJLQkR4&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=J84DHJLQkR4

    • I'm Just Me :

      I commented, with links and the dreaded word referring to dresses worn to events at which drinks are served, and it says it is waiting for moderation.

      I hate to repeat my comment, but are you sold on black or would another color dress do? What about a sequin skirt and a soft sweater? Or a metallic top and black skirt?

      What is your budget?

      • I'm Just Me :

        Look at Nordstrom and search for the Maggie London embellished draped mesh dress and the Adrianna Papell lace overlay fit and flare, both in petites. The latter is a great blue.

        Or Macy’s the Marina Cap sleeve lace in gunmetal or navy. Both those colors are different than black, but not so different that you could not wear them to numerous events.

  32. anon sequitur :

    Probably too late for anyone to see this, but I’m struggling and it’s too early for me to call anyone. I broke up with my boyfriend last night. This is the first time I’ve ever broken up with someone without a crystal-clear reason and it is so, so hard. He’s a wonderful man with so much to offer, and I wish it could have worked. But I tried so hard and it just wasn’t. I completely blindsided him. I feel awful and I’m not even sure I made the right choice–I’ve been going back and forth for the last three weeks and keep trying to give it more time for things to work out, but they just keep not. I think our differences are just too foundational to be fixed but now I think I should have given us a chance to try. Really want to curl up in a ball and cry but I have too much work to do.

    • It sounds like you’ve already given the relationship time to work. Breaking up is always difficult, even more so when you can’t point to a specific flaw. Remind yourself that relationships are a lifetime decision and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is not a great fit.

      • anon sequitur :

        Thank you. It’s the lack of being able to point to one thing that’s really making me struggle. On paper we have the same life goals–ambivalent about kids, home ownership, location, values–and he’s hot and great in bed and funny and we enjoy doing a lot of the same things, but also give each other space. AND YET it just wasn’t working for reasons I can’t even articulate. I’m just so sad and feel so awful for him because he had no idea.

        • My experience (direct and through friends) says that some day, sooner or later, you’re going to know exactly why it didn’t work. You’re in an emotional fog right now that prevents you from naming it, yet you knew what you had to do. At some point when the emotions subside and you’re able to see clearly, the reason(s) will probably be right there in front of you, and you’ll be glad and proud that you trusted yourself even in a tumultuous time. Hang in there.

        • You know, I’m pretty sure that my ex-husband felt like you did. You’re doing the right thing by ending it now – I really wish he’d come to grips with his feelings before we got married. It’s the right thing for you and for him, and although I’m sure you feel very lost now, and he feels blindsided, you will both be happier down the road.

    • Hugs. Breakups are tough, regardless of whether it was your idea.

      Give yourself permission to mourn this relationship. It will take some grieving time. Crying is 100% ok.

      Can you take a day or two off of work?

    • BTDT. My only advice is not to confuse the guilt you feel for hurting him with feeling like breaking up was a mistake. Don’t feel like everything needs to be sorted out and defined just now (although ex’s always want specific reasons they can argue against).

  33. Silvercurls :

    IME (not recent) sometimes the 2% wrong with the relationship is larger than the 98% that’s right with it (in the sense of “on paper it’s great”).

work fashion blog press mentions