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6pm.com is offering up to 70% off “holiday party finds” today, and there are some great pieces (including a lot of Bruno Magli shoes that would work for work as well, some of which I've recommended before). I like this versatile sequin skirt, which works in a variety of party situations: wear it with a black twinset to the “I'm not sure if we're supposed to dress up” party, or a tighter/more revealing tank for a night out with your significant other; you could even add a pop of a totally different color (purple? red? green? all sound good to me). Because it's a combo of black, navy, and white, it doesn't even have to be limited to a Christmas party — this is the kind of thing where, with proper care, it could last you several years and be worn to numerous parties. It was $348, but today comes down to $87. Nice! BCBGMAXAZRIA Elodie Lace & Sequin Wave Skirt
P.S. Happy holidays, ladies! I hope everyone has a long, healthy, safe vacation from work coming up! We do have a few posts slated for the next week or so (probably a sales roundup, as well as some of my favorite picks from various TPS reports, Coffee Breaks and the like), but for the most part regular posting will resume after the New Year.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Flying Squirrel
TJ right away. Bay Area ladies, can anyone recommend a good general contractor? I’m 37.5 weeks pregnant, my house is in shambles, and we *hate* our contractor for reasons too numerous to list. Not to mention it upsets me to think about it. The project was supposed to be done 1.5 months ago. I know things could run over, but there is not a single thing that is complete at the moment…or a single room in the house that doesn’t have work that still needs to be done. Example, they had to fix the plumbing on our master shower, and did so 2 months ago. But didn’t retile it until my husband demanded they do so earlier this week. But still haven’t put in grout, event though the foreman said he’d do it yesterday. And no one’s here today. And I’m super pregnant and can’t believe I’ll be brining baby home to a house with no doors and sheets of plastic and tarp everywhere!
Anyway, rant over. But can anyone recommend someone they like and trust? I don’t know how we’ll work it in with the baby, but we also can’t live forever in a half done house. We live in the East Bay.
Joanna Toews
My parents in Berkeley have a go-to contractor who’s seen them through many renovations. They’re really picky and they love his work. May I have your email? I’ll send you his info.
a.k.
Is there Angie’s List in your area?
MJ
John Doxsee in Redwood City. His Co is called Edgewood Builders. He has done work for a bunch of people in my office and they all rave about him. Highly recommended by some picky law folk.
Ash
Sigh. I’ve been in an interview process for a job I really want for over a month, consisting of 4 interviews, a writing test, and too many hours sneaking away from my current job. They originally said they wanted someone in place the start of the new year, but just got an email that they’re still deciding and may not until after the holidays. Now I’m going to be stressing out during my 2 week vacation! I really need out of my current job, so this is not good on any level.
Ellen
Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s! (and Friday too!)
As for the OP, Super Hug’s to you. Interviewing is alway’s stresseful, and peeople who are lookeing are alway’s lazy, particulearley around the holiday’s b/c they are busy eating and goeing to parties and all that stuff. Even I have put on 5 pound’s since Thankgsgiveing, and I am sure that ALL of it is in my TUCHUS! FOOEY!
But they will eventually decide and I am hopeing it is YOU b/c you deserve a good 2014!
As for the rest of the hive, I cam across this articel that was VERY interesting about a woman who sued the cop’s for OOOGELEING her driver’s license photo in Minnesota. She sued for alot of money and setteled for $32,000.
http://www.startribune.com/local/west/236425531.html
According to the Paper, “The City Council approved the settlement last week after Paula Kruchowski’s attorney wrote in a notice of claim letter — which typically precedes a lawsuit — that she had been “oogled [sic] by scores of men.” As the city attorney’s office liaison to the police domestic assault unit, Kruchowski works in Police Department offices at City Hall.”
If she can stop peeople from OOGELING her, there is hope for the rest of us from beeing OOOGLED! DOUBEL FOOEY!
I think this case is and can be VERY good presedent for us who get OOOGLED by peeople in our own companies! I am printeing out this article to give to BOTH Frank and the Manageing partner, b/c I do NOT like it when Frank is ooogeleing my boobie’s and tuchus. He is MARRIED, and he can OOOGLE her!
So for the HIVE, remember this case and we can make even more money if we bring an OOOGLEING lawsuit! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joanna Toews
Bless you, Ellen. You just improved my day 1,000%.
RPAFT
Internet hugs! Let’s commiserate together: I am also waiting to hear back on a job that I really want, and it is looking more and more likely that I will have to wait until 2014 to hear something.
Divaliscious11
Its year end, and holidays – hiring is pretty low priority. Don’t take it personal….
JCDC
We’re hiring now too and it’s one of those “dear lord we need someone now” situations … but I still don’t think they’ll have anyone in place until early January. So I’m sure it’s not personal too! Much luck!
Ashley
Well, at least they are in contact with you. That means they are definitely interested. If you were strongly in the running, they probably would not communicate at all. Please make every effort to not let it adversely affect your vacation!
houda
Big cyber hugs.
Same here, 1 interview and 2 tests down 3 more sessions to go.
I was hoping this would be done by beginning of January but I am thinking March starts to look more realistic.
Disappointing bonus
Re-posting from the morning thread –
Tips on how to talk to a partner about a disappointing bonus? The partner told me before I got my bonus that if there were any problems to let him know and he would see if there was anything he could do, so he basically told me ahead of time that I wouldn’t be happy. He said the same thing to the other associates in my group that he likes. The bonus is well below the minimum I was expecting, so I plan to chat with him about it. Any advice on how to have this conversation with him would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Silver
Assuming that the bonus is discretionary, I think the conversation has to be exploratory about how you can improve to up your bonus for next year. That will spark a conversation maybe about why this year’s bonus is what it is.. I don’t think there’s a tactful way to say that you’re disappointed and that it should be higher.. also I’m not sure what he means when he’ll “see if there is anything else he can do”.. I don’t take that to mean necessarily that he’s willing to go bat for more money for you..
ss
It is easiest to start with 2 straightforward questions
: What was the firm’s basis for computing the bonus? Do they set aside an amount for each team based on team/ firm revenue ? Did the team/ firm have a good financial year ?
: How does your performance affect your own bonus ? Is your performance considered satisfactory ?
The answers will determine where your discussion goes next but you should certainly be prepared to talk about how you formed your own expectations – is it clear that peer firms are paying their associates more, either on a total or bonus-specific basis ? Was there some kind of understanding that your firm pays a lower fixed salary but makes it up at bonus time ? Did you work on large/ lucrative cases and feel your contribution has not been acknowledged ? The more specific you are, the easier it will be for your helpful partner to make a case to his colleagues. At the very least, you should inform yourself on market levels of compensation.
I disagree that it is tactless to communicate your disappointment – it is clearly the case that you were expected to be disappointed and the issue is likely the size of the overall bonus pot, not your performance.
Wildkitten
+1 These are really good questions.
Brunette Elle Woods
Can anyone comment on the legal environment in the southeast? I’m thinking Charlottesville, Virginia or Raleigh, North Carolina. I currently work in the northeast tri-state area and I’m considering my options to move south one day. How is it to move there from the north when you really don’t know anyone? Has anyone made a move like this and how was it? There are no set plans though. I’m thinking a few years down the line. I am just an over-planner!
NC'er for life now
I live in Raleigh, NC (and am originally from near Philly). I love Raleigh!! I work in Durham as an attorney (for the State). In my opinion the legal market is not very good here. While I was clerking it took me almost a year to get a job. However– in my experience based on myself and my peers (law school c/o 2011, nc school)–this is the case most places except for DC (where my schoolmates have had more success than in North Carolina).
As I said, I went to law school here, but because of the economy a lot of my friends from school went back to where they’re from (all over the place). I have found it a bit hard to make friends, but that has a lot to do with simply being out of school and working, not for a lack of young, friendly people here. There is actually a very vibrant young community and it’s also a great place for young families.
I absolutely love it here. The cost of living is pretty low (especially compared to the northeast), there is a lot to do, the food and restaurants are awesome, and the weather is great.
Bankratty
I applied for jobs all over NC in the Spring of 2013. I have good credentials–top of my law school class, 2 year clerkship–I got very little interest from firms. I was applying specifically for bankruptcy positions, but my impression is that the mark is very, very dry. It may still be worth contacting recruiters at the large firms, however, just to get on their radar.
KLG
I work in Charlottesville as an attorney for the federal government (we are not hiring until further notice). It’s a small legal market here and people tend to practice in a few of the local courts. But we are home to US District Court for the Western District of Virginia so it’s not all podunk law. Like everywhere else, the market has only kind of recovered so hiring is still slow. I don’t think it’s any harder to make friends here than in any other new city. Firms are very small so it’s not like there’ll be a wealth of associates/young partners, but it has bars/restaurants/lots of good concerts and there are a lot of academically minded people. It’s a nice mix of uber-preppy and artistic free spirits. But there is no Nordstrom’s, no Macy’s, etc. We do have AT/Loft/BR/Anthropologie/JCrew, but after growing up somewhere with multiple malls, I find it hard to do Christmas shopping around here.
It’s hard to predict what the market will be like a few years from now though. In 2007, no one could have predicted how bad things would get in 2008.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m currently trying to move from NYC to North Carolina (also preferably Raleigh). There aren’t a ton of job openings, but I’ve gotten a handful of responses. (I’ve got an interview next week for a job I’d love… Fingers crossed!). I took the bar before I started applying anywhere, so I think that helped since it showed I really do want to move and this isn’t just a whim, since no one takes a bar exam just for fun. My sense is if you work on the corporate/transactional side there may be more opportunities, particularly if you would consider Charlotte instead of Raliegh. I’m in litigation and there aren’t a ton of job postings that I’ve found, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be impossible (and I think having a few years of experience is definitely helping, instead of being straight out of law school). I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Counseling
Continuing with the TJ trend: I’m having my first counseling session tonight and I’m nervous. I’m going because I want to change some behaviors/feelings (controlling, insecure), but I’m not really one to talk about my problems so I’m worried I’m just going to clam up. I know this is something I need to do to get to a better place, but I’m nervous I’ll make it for naught. Any tips?
Bee
Say exactly what you said here. Opening up and being able to talk about your feelings is something that counseling can help with. If you’re concerned that you’ll clam up even with your counselor, then that seems like a natural place to start. Congratulations for taking this step and good luck in your first session.
NOLA
It is the therapist’s job to lead you to talking about what you need to talk about. But you’re right, you need to feel comfortable with opening up about the problems. Otherwise, why bother? Good luck. I give you a lot of credit for starting with counseling this time of year.
prof on a bike
+1
It may be your first time, but it’s not the therapist’s first time and s/he has been trained to lead you through the process. Talk about your expectations and fears, and then follow his/her lead. I also found it a bit hard to open up in therapy at first, and it helped to keep in mind:
1. They’ve probably heard some variation of whatever you could say before, and probably also heard much worse.
2. It’s not the same kind of relationship as with another person or a friend — they’re a professional who has been trained to listen and react non-judgmentally.
3. If you edit or don’t say what you’re really thinking, could end up misdirecting the therapist and making your therapy longer and more confusing than in needs to be.
So, just lay it all out there and trust that your therapist to do his/her job of sorting through the pieces and figuring out a plan of action.
zora
I think the advice of telling the therapist that you are ‘worried you will clam up’ is right on. That way thye will know that they need to make sure to draw you out.
But also I would recommend writing out a list of the problems/ issues you want to talk about to take into the appt with you. That way, if all else fails, you can just hand the list to the therapist and let them take the lead. that’s what I did when I first wanted to bring up depression issues with my dr but was anxious I wouldn’t remember what I wanted to say once I got there.
Good luck, i hope you have a good appointment and congrats for taking this step!!
NbyNW
+1 on the list. Just what I was going to suggest.
Ashley
I do this with doctors in general. It is very good advice. It has helped me weed out some quacks (too busy to read or discuss what I need from them).
KLG
If it helps, a lot of times the first 1-3 sessions, the therapist wants to get some background on you and they’re just doing intake. Trying to get to know you a little bit and figure out what your goals for therapy are.
Avery
Hope it goes well. Know that you’ve inspired me to find a therapist with your bravery! (This is the second big obvious HEY LOOK HOW ABOUT A THERAPIST sign today.)
Counseling
Ugh. I’ve been getting those signs for a while. It’s really easy to put off, but I’m excited to finally just do it and see what happens.
Granola
I find it so hard to talk about feelings and about myself so I really dreaded therapy, but with the right therapist I am actually finding that it’s completely OK to talk about these things. It took a little time though. So, don’t give up.
Ashley
I have had therapy and it did a great job on helping understand myself and improve my coping mechanisms. I am a long way from “fixed” but I am also a perfectionist and recognize how unrealistic my expectations of myself (and others) can be.
Currently I am having a somewhat opposite problem. I keep wanting to find a therapist because I would like a highly intelligent, impartial person to talk to (okay and to vent about work). That doesn’t sound like something you should pay a professional for. Or am I wrong?
anon
If I remember right, k…in transition is a therapist and at least a few people here have mentioned reaching out to her either to work with her or for a referral. maybe you could ask her? I’m sure someone here has her contact info!
KLG
Depends on your situation. In the past I would have said that was a waste of money. But now I’m a stepmom and my stepdaughter’s mother drives me crazy. I pretty much go to a therapist between once a month and every other week in order to vent about her. It helps me separate my feelings about her mother from my feelings about my stepdaughter and the therapist is fantastic about reminding me to reframe some of my expectations of her mother (e.g., “school is not important to mom, school is never going to be important to mom, do what you can on the weeks stepdaughter is with you but stop expecting mom to make her do her homework, study for tests, etc. because it is never going to happen. You’re the one setting the unrealistic expectation here so stop doing it”). And this way my husband doesn’t have to listen to it because while he agrees with me, it’s still annoying to have to listen to me complain about a situation that will never change.
A good friend of mine who is a licensed clinical psychologist herself used to see a therapist a few times a year around the holidays to vent about her mother. She was aware of the issues, the reasons for them, the need to set boundaries, how to set boundaries, etc. but it’s really annoying to have to deal with it every holiday and it’s nice to have a safe place to occasionally vent about the fact that it stinks that she has to set boundaries instead of having a “normal” relationship. Ditto for not constantly complaining to her husband about it.
houda
Normally the therapist should sense your discomfort and ask some open questions to help lead the discussion. Something I did once was simply describe 2 different situations that show the behavior I want to change, what happened, what I said and how I felt.
Also, very important: if you don’t feel comfortable at all with the counselor, give it a few sessions and if it does not improve look for someone else.
rosie
Lawyer resume question. For those of you who summered at a firm and then worked at the same firm, do you have it listed twice on your resume, or do you have the summer work and the permanent position listed under the same heading? Any difference if you clerked or held another job in between the summer and the perm position? TIA
Killer Kitten Heels
I list both titles with season/year under one heading – i.e.:
SuperBigLawFirm
Summer Associate, Summer 2010; Associate, Fall 2011-Present
ac
Ditto, and this is generally how I’ve seen it handled. The description is probably going to apply mostly to your substantive associate work.
Romey
I do the same as Killer Kitten Heels.
Anonymous
I have it under a separate heading. (I had a job in between). As a space saver, I don’t have a description of what kind of work I did as a summer, only of the kind of work I did as an associate.
rosie
Thank you!
Anon
OK ladies… I’m leaving my job soon. What do I need to do before I leave? I’ve got all my work product saved so I can still access it, and cleaned out my desk. I will delete everything off my computer and erase my history. What am I forgetting?
NbyNW
Print out your Outlook contacts. Transfer dentist/doctor appointments to personal calendar. Email yourself any web bookmarks. Get any 401K/retirement fund info off the intranet or email yourself the web address for Fidelity, etc. Save copies of performance reviews, complimentary emails, kudos. (I just started a new job last week!)
Avery
Make sure things like credit card statements, bill payment reminders, etc. aren’t going to your work e-mail. Congrats!!
Ashley
Delete your browser history, cookies, etc.
M-C
When you’re done backing up/deleting stuff, be sure to download eraser.exe and wipe that disk space really clean. Deleting a file alone does not get rid of the data..
Bonnie
Love the skirt but can’t get behind the black twin set rec. Seems like that would be very business on top, party on the bottom.
Bankratty
+1
KC
I think it would be neat with a black turtleneck though.
Running TJ
I ran a half marathon on Dec. 8. I came out of it really sore and in pain, which I expected. I did not expect to still be limping around almost two weeks later. My hip is killing me. I can’t walk fast, I certainly can’t run, and heels are completely out of the question. I’ve been resting it since the half marathon, but it doesn’t seem to be getting much better. The pain is in the front, where I imagine the ball of the hip bone sits in the socket.
Should I suck it up and go to the doctor, or is this (somewhat) normal, and I just need to keep resting it? I’ve been taking 800 Motrin for the pain, but it barely scratches the surface. Any advice that you fellow runners have would be welcome.
Anon
Not normal, see a doctor
Anonymous
Not normal. I was stiff after both marathons for a couple days at most
Could it be a stress fracture?
Anonymous
Yea. Not normal unless you were horrifically under trained (like that was the first time you ever ran). See a doctor. Especially since rest is not helping.
wildkitten
Runner’s World often recommends that you see a doctor who is also a runner, so they have ideas that will get you back on your feet instead of suggesting you quit running forever.
Anonymous
I had similar pain after my first marathon, and it was bursitis of the hip joint and required anti-inflammatories and some minor PT. Two weeks after the race is enough to see a doctor.
JCDC
Same thing after my first marathon. Certainly frustrating, but fixable! Do see a sports doctor and they’ll likely prescribe PT. I actually got an MRI too, but it didn’t reveal anything. PT was pretty effective and then I eased back into running very, very slowly.
Anonymous
Yes to this – I see the most aggressive sports medicine doc I can find, because I know he won’t tell me that my running days are over, or that the pain is normal, or whatever. Your family practice doctor is not the person to go to in this situation.
Marie
Agreed. I am a runner currently dealing with hip pain. I feared a stress fracture, but my sports doctor diagnosed me correctly (small cartilage tear), fixed me up with physical therapy, and I’m feeling much better. Don’t delay, you may need to be on crutches to avoid more damage and start healing. Sorry for your injury!
Ashley
Get to the doctor.
My last similar situation turned out to be “a little sciatica” that a month of taking an anti-inflammatory has done wonders for.
Ashley
Oh, I should add I went to the orthopedist, if that helps.
Jessica Glitter
Not normal…I ran a full marathon that same day and am back to normal. Definitely go see a doctor! And maybe try aleve/ naproxen in the mean time…that helps my post long run pain because it actually reduces the swelling (it is what my doctor has me take for chronic joint pain as well).
anon in tejas
make an appointment. sounds like an injury.
312
Other than Nice girls don’t get the corner office, are there any other books you’ve read that you feel helped you grow as a professional?
Killer Kitten Heels
I know it’s somewhat controversial, but Lean In helped me immensely. Also Working Together by Michael Eisner – it’s not a “work advice” book per se, but reading about all of the different types of working relationships and work styles that lead to success was very informative.
jc
+1 on Lean In
Samantha
+2 on Lean In. And not career advice per se, but I recently read both Tina Fey’s and Mindy Kaling’s biographies, and they were somewhat inspiring stories of women who are successful in primarily-male careers.
LH
+3 on Lean In. I expected not to like it after all the press but I couldn’t put it down and found myself nodding my head at almost everything in it. I also really liked Mindy Kaling’s book although more for humor than advice. I didn’t like Tina’s as much, I thought she sounded kind of defensive and also unaware of how privileged she is when she was complaining about how hard it is to be a working mother. But a lot of my friends loved it.
RPAFT
+4 on Lean In.
Ashley
Dang. I have been avoiding this book because of the hype and the on professional that I know who read it it kind of a twit.
I may have to rethink that because I am always looking for good professional development tools.
JCrew help -- Origami dress
Anatomy of a Merger. Written by some guy at Skadden. Probably not currently in print, but a library or your firm’s library may have it. I thought it had a lot about real lawyers negotiate. I read it when I was a baby lawyer on the metro and found it to be a fast read. I found it immensely helpful for when I allofasudden got put in front of clients on high stakes things on deadlines and had to get them in line, counsel them, and help walk them through issues.
Not a girl book, but a how to deal with stuff book. Was helpful in negotiating a house, with contractors, all sorts of things.
Ex Skadden
That’s James C. Freund’s book. It’s incredibly helpful.
AnonInfinity
If you are a lawyer, I liked Swimming Lessons for Baby Sharks.
Also ditto Lean In.
Need to Improve
Sonia Sotomayor’s autobiography
MJ
Winning by Jack and Suzi Welch. Great book…I don’t agree with everything, but he was definitely considered one of the top CEOs of the past century, and he’s very practical (if not very harsh). Helped me get into a “manager” mindset. Great book.
Ashley
Saving this entire list.
PSA
Just came back from a little office coffee and cookies thing and one of the young paralegals who is in law school at night said “like” every other word and played with her hair the whole time. It really made her look like a little kid or something, even though she’s in her mid-2os and is a successful employee. If it looks that obviously young for all women, we’d all be way better off not doing it.
Ms. Grinch
How do you all handle making holiday plans with your SO’s family? My family is really big on Christmas – they do a Christmas Eve dinner, and then a Christmas morning breakfast, and a Christmas dinner. The dinners usually involve expensive food and lots of preparation that whoever’s hosting plans for well in advance. My SO’s family has no particular traditions and their plans change from year to year. We invite them to all my family’s events every year and they’ve never come to anything. I’ve always told my SO to let me know what the plans are and I’ll let my family know which events we can make – I’m happy to skip something so we can spend time with his family, so long as I can let my family know reasonably in advance. Invariably, his family has nothing planned until the last minute (or makes plans and changes them without warning). It drives me insane. I feel like his family always gets short shrift and we celebrate more with my family, and I suspect they resent me for it. But they either can’t plan ahead or can’t communicate their plans, and I don’t think it’s right to bail on my family after telling them they can expect us. Any advice?
Romey
Why does his family have to have an event or an official “plan” in order for you to spend time with them? Is it an option for you to simply tell his family and yours, ok we’ll be at X family’s house for Christmas eve and X family’s house for Christmas day?
Killer Kitten Heels
+1 to this. Same thing happened when my SO and I first started combining holidays – my mom is a super-planner (like, Thanksgiving is planned right down to the menu no later than Aug. 15 super-planner), and MIL is, well, not (to put it mildly), and for a few years, my mom dominated the Thanksgiving plans. I thought it was fine, because H always said his mom had no plans and didn’t care, but after a Christmas chock-full of passive-aggressive comments about “never seeing her baby on Thanksgiving” (barf) I got the hint. Now we just rotate – my mom gets odd years, MIL gets even years, regardless of whether MIL has any plans set in advance or at all on the even-numbered Thanksgivings.
The deal is similar for Christmas – FIL and SMIL always get Christmas eve dinner, and Christmas day gets split between the two moms (which one gets breakfast and which one gets dinner switches depending on sibling availability). Then, you can communicate it as “hey in-laws, this is when we’re free, let us know what the plan is when you make it” – right now, it sounds like your default status is to be with your family, but you’ll try to adjust if/when in-laws come up with something. Instead, have a block of time that’s defaulted automatically to the in-laws – they may not take advantage of it, but at least you’re showing that you’re specifically setting aside time for them.
Romey
P.S. And to answer your question of how we handle plans, we alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving. For example this year we did Thanksgiving with my family so we will do Christmas with his, and then next year it’ll swap. I imagine when we have children down the road that we will be the ones who host the holidays, but for now we alternate.
preg 3L
I think Romey’s suggestion is a good one. If you’re uncomfortable with not having structure around spending holiday time with your SO’s family, you could start hosting a Christmas event (either Eve dinner or Christmas Day dinner) at yours & SO’s home for SO’s family. Alternatively, you could start a New Year’s tradition with your SO’s family so that you’re free for your family’s Christmas activities and then your SO’s family is still getting substantial holiday time with you & SO.
Anon
I would plan on splitting holidays evenly. Maybe they don’t have a fancy menu planned out, but they probably all get together every year at someone’s house and don’t starve while they’re there, so try to relax about it a little. In some families you don’t need a formal invitation to spend the holidays together.
Lynnet
It sounds like both your families are in the same town, which ought to make it easier but just seems to make it harder sometimes. For the first few years we did half of Christmas day at my family’s and half the day at his (one year we split it up into 3 hour increments starting at 7 am and ending at 11 pm!). For the past two years my family has had Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Day and his has had Thanksgiving on Friday, and then his family has had Christmas on Christmas Day and mine has had Christmas on the 26th. This works partially because neither of our siblings are married, so we’re not competing with a third family’s plan, but it’s worked out very well for us.
Maybe you could arrange a similar split with his family. For example, “Hi MIL, I know that you don’t have any set plans for Christmas, and as you know it’s a really big day for my family, so we were wondering if this year it would work for Husband and I to spend Christmas Day with my family and celebrate with your family on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day? Does that fit with your plans? I know it’s a big sacrifice for you to give up Christmas Day, but we really want to be able to celebrate with you, and we haven’t felt like we’ve gotten to do that the last few years.”
anon
Why not tell your family you are waiting to hear what SO’s family has planned before committing, or deciding how to split your time, etc.? I am on the flip side of this, sort of. My fam of origin moves our plans around because there are so many extraneous factors (getting vacation approved at work, travel, divorced parents splitting time, people going to their ILs). There are so many moving parts to coordinate and my ILs want to know our plans so early, that I feel like my family gets shafted, so we end up celebrating with them not on the actual day. (This year we are doing the Sunday before Christmas.) My point is that maybe they’re not just flaky to be flaky, that it’s a complicated thing. And I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling his family, “We’re trying to firm up our plans, do you know when you will be celebrating?”
abogada
My family is definitely full of planners, and my SO’s family waits until the last minute (sometimes the night before) to decide whether/when/where to celebrate holidays.
If this would fly with your family, maybe explain to the hosts that this is your year with your SO’s family, but since SO’s family doesn’t plan very far in advance, you don’t know yet if you will be with them on [Christmas Eve/Christmas morning/insert time of event here], and you would hate to miss out on [aunt’s/sister’s/cousin’s/whoever’s] [brunch/dinner/tea/whatever] if SO’s family ends up celebrating at a different time. Ask the host if you could RSVP [1 week/3 days/whatever] in advance of the event. I would only do this if you are fairly confident that this would be okay with the host(s). I know my family would be okay with something like this, which is why I suggested it, but we’re a lot less formal than it sounds like your family is, even though we do plan ahead. We have large meals of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and other traditional foods with lots of leftovers, so 2 more or less people at the table wouldn’t really affect the meal planning at all.
Also, does your SO care that you spend more holidays with your family? If he’s happy with things as they are, maybe don’t worry about making big changes for you, your SO and your family based on how you suspect (but don’t actually know) someone else’s family feels. Just keep inviting them to your family’s events, attend their events when you don’t already have plans, and spend time with them when it’s not a holiday.
Or, maybe SO could take initiative in planning his family’s events so that you’ll know a reasonable amount of time in advance when SO’s family is celebrating so that you’ll know which of your family’s events you can and cannot attend.
Or, just tell his family that you are trying to finalize your holiday plans and do they know when they’ll be celebrating? Maybe you’ll get an answer, maybe you won’t, but at least they’ll know that you’re trying to accommodate them.
Anon
Favorite book for personal finance for a twenty something woman? Looking to give it to my younger sister. She is at a place where she’s earning decent money now and I helped her set up a Roth IRA this year, but afterwards I realized from talking to her that she had no idea what one was (just that it was good to do). I’m a CPA and learned a lot of the basics in school, but I doubt she wants my old textbooks.
Anon
It’s older but I recommend Get a Financial Life
jc
Young, Broke and Fabulous by Suze Orman (don’t have to be broke to get the great advice out of it).
anon
Just curious — I really don’t mean to be snarky — what makes a book about personal finance particular to/directed at women?
wildkitten
Women often have more financial issues – we get paid less, we often take time off to be caretakers for either our children or our parents, and we live longer. Hopefully a book would mention those issues.
KLG
Women are also often more risk-adverse financially.
Bankratty
Women are also often more risk-adverse financially.
M
Smart Women Finish Rich – approachable, solid, and inspiring.
Bogleheads Guide to Investing – if she’s able to save above and beyond maxing out her 401k, and is interested in learning at a more indepth level, and perhaps a bit of a math geek. My favorite.
Get A Financial Life – clear and concise, covers the basics.
Young, Broke and Fabulous – if her tone doesn’t drive you nuts, this is a good book on the basics.
The Intelligent Asset Allocator – for next year, if she liked and read this year’s book, and in interested in learning more.
MJ
Cosign Get a Financial Life and Smart Women Finish Rich. I disagree with the “latte factor” advice in some of these books–if my job is rotten and I need a $3 coffee to get through the day, it’s cheaper than therapy. But all of them impart an understanding of starting to save early, not getting into a debt spiral (especially credit card debt) and understanding that big money decision, like your rent or car payment, make a huge difference in how much you save. You are a really awesome big sister for teaching your sis about this stuff!
CPA to be
Women and Money by Suze Orman. I liked it way more than Young, Fabulous, and Broke. I have read a ton of books about personal finance, and this one is by far my favorite. YFB is more for a true beginner who knows NOTHING, while Women and Money goes more into the psychology of how many women make decisions about money, what they value, how they spend, some traps they are more likely to fall into. Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich is also another good one, written by the same woman who wrotet NGDGTCO.
Sydney Bristow
It isn’t directed at women, but I recommend I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi because he lays out the details of how things work and writes in a way that is completely accessible to young readers.
I also second the recommendations for Women and Money by Suze Orman and Smart WomenFinish Rich by David Bach. The Smart Women Finish Rich book has a lot of good info on the types of paperwork you need to keep copies of.
Ashley
Prince Charming Isn’t Coming: How Women Get Smart About Money by Barbara Stanny.
Jennifer
You can also send her links to websites like “The Simple Dollar” with short posts that explain the basics.
For books, “Your money or your life”. My take on personal finance is that usually the bigger issue is not being inspired to care, rather than not having the information.
Anon
I’ve been in a job I hate for two years because I was unemployed and this finally came up, and so I took it. I’ve been looking for a new job for the last 10 months or so (casually looking for a year, actively looking since last March) and have come up with nothing. I’m a lawyer and my current job isn’t law-related. I started looking for law jobs and only got one interview (for which I called in a major favor to have a US Senator make a call on my behalf). That job turned out not to be a great fit and I’m not terribly surprised I didn’t get it. Still, my credentials are solid (T10 law school, AmLaw 50 firm, prestigious policy role after that) and even though my current job isn’t law related, I’ve kept my hand in by doing some legal work here and there, plus staying current with bar associations etc. My husband has finally persuaded me that I need to look beyond law for my next job because even in DC the legal market is just not great. There are job openings, but most places received 800-1,200 resumes for each job. Since my career path hasn’t been as linear as other people’s, it’s just more effort for an employer to consider me and therefore they don’t bother. So now I’m looking more into different types of consulting roles, etc.
My problem is that people around me keep getting jobs and getting to leave our cr@ppy office. Including another lawyer who was also working in a non-law job. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve had many, many people go through my application materials, including people working at the places I’m applying, to see if there’s anything that should be changed, or any gaps or questions that should be addressed. I’ve had people put in a good word for me. I’ve told everyone I know that I’m looking and to keep me in mind if they hear of anything. I’ve often been told how well I present myself, so I don’t think it’s that I’m putting people off when they meet me. I’m just so frustrated and it is so, so painful when another person says they’re leaving for some great new job. I’ve been looking for a great new job for about three years now (including the time I was unemployed) and I can’t figure out what’s going wrong. Career was never, never a weak spot for me. Before this, I had one great job after another, including some amazing summer opportunities in school and a great job between law school and college. Yes, the economy wasn’t sh!t then, but it’s not like there’s no one getting jobs. It’s not 2009. People are actually getting hired. How can I deal with being the one left behind, and how can I figure out what I’m doing wrong?
Ginjury
I’m not in law and have no experience with this, but, if you’re friendly enough with the former coworker, it might be helpful to reach out to them to see how they got out and back into law. If anything, it proves that it can be done.
Anon
She’s several years junior to me, which is part of my problem. My class is up for partner at most firms either this year or next, so I’m at an awkward time in my career — neither senior nor junior. I know that for this particular coworker, a new office opened in a government agency and she happened to have the connection. I have what should be much better connections, and have had my resume put right in front of people hiring, but I guess, again, I’m just at an awkward career place. I’d gladly take a cut of a few years to get back in the game, but that’s also more complicated than people want to consider right now.
Frankly I’m also just so burnt out on this whole process. Having been in job hunting mode for almost three years is exhausting. I’m so tired of putting hours into an application only to have it disappear into the void. I’m tired of being the friend looking for work. My husband is tired of it, too, and now thinks I should just be happy to have a job. I know there are things I could still be doing, but I feel like I’ve been all in on job hunting for so long that I just can’t see how it could matter.
Wildkitten
Looking for a job is exhausting. It’s important to take breaks and give yourself some time for self-care/recharge.
Anonymous
My instinct is that a lot of employers might be assuming you’re too qualified for the more junior positions. You may have to work really really hard to convince them that regardless of your resume and past work experience, you want to do X and only X.
I had a similar problem job hunting last year and lots of employers were telling me that on paper I look fantastic and they couldn’t figure out why I’d want to work there. It was endlessly frustrating. (FWIW I was looking at government attorney jobs and the hiring people in those jobs were questioning why I wouldn’t want to be in private practice/working at a big firm/making a lot of money based on my resume).
Wildkitten
I think you need to do informational interviews with people you don’t know yet. If people are looking at your resume and thinking you don’t belong in their offices, it would be helpful if you had already explained to them the career switch you are looking for before they see your random-seeming application for an open position.
KLG
While the legal market has “recovered” it’s a far cry from where is was before things got bad. People are getting hired, but not in huge numbers. It’s still hard out there. I looked for jobs starting in February 2011 and didn’t land my current position until September 2012. I first applied to my current job in August of 2011. I heard crickets. Almost a year to the day later, I got an email from the hiring person asking if I was still interested and to please send an updated resume if I was. 4 weeks later, I was offered a job.
Job searching is agonizing and soul crushing, but you’re definitely not alone! Hang in there.
KLG
whoops, that was for anon at 4:06
Celia
I am looking for some career development advice! It’s the evaluation time of year at my firm, and some advice that I got from a partner-mentor is that I should start looking for opportunities to get involved in the community, and to “get my name out there.” I have some ideas of non-profits I would be interested in, but how does one go about getting on a board? I’ve never done anything like that, and would appreciate any advice. Also — are there particular organizations that it makes sense to join as a young lawyer? I’m in a major southern city, if that helps. Thanks!
AnonInfinity
I chose an org for a cause I really care about so I’m more likely to do a good job and want to be more involved. I also tried to choose one that wasn’t mostly lawyers so I could be exposed to more business people in my community. For example, the Junior League in my city has an enormous number of women lawyers, which is great, but I already meet lots of lawyers through other events and organizations I’m in.
As for boards — I’m not sure. I think each org is different. I think some cities have programs to help young people get on boards of non-profits, but mine doesn’t have it (a mid-sized Southern city).
Anonymous
I’m on the board of a domestic violence prevention/response nonprofit (education, sheltering, crisis line) and I was recommended by a former board member. Lawyers (we’ve had a few since I’ve been on the board) are always welcome. It has been a great experience.
You might reach out to friends/contacts/coworkers whose volunteer work sounds interesting to you and explain you’re looking to become involved in X field, and ask if they know of any upcoming opportunities or have any suggestions for people to contact.
AttiredAttorney
Junior League is a great entryway for a lot of this type of stuff. If you really have no idea of where to begin, most “provisional” membership years are designed to expose you to a variety of service organizations and charitable causes.
Senior Attorney
Can I just complain for a minute? After hiding out and refusing to do anything divorce-related for months, Mr. Senior Attorney and his counsel have served a ridiculous amount of written discovery, which seems to be boilerplate requests designed to ferret out all the assets and income I’m hiding. Except, uh, I’m a government wage-slave and Mr. Senior Attorney is in possession of all the information about all my assets. There is nothing to discover. Like, at all.
Not to mention that I begged him to sit down with me so I could explain the finances, with or without my lawyer present, right after I filed and he refused. So bottom line, I will spend thousands of dollars responding to this discovery, he will spend thousands of dollars for his lawyer to review my responses, it will all serve no purpose other than to enrich the lawyers, and meanwhile we can’t get a trial date or have any meaningful settlement discussions until they’re finished with this nonsense.
Gah.
In other news, I came upon the parking enforcement guy just getting ready to write me a parking ticket today at lunchtime, and when I said “Wait! Wait! I’m here!” he actually smiled and put away his ticket book. I’m calling that a holiday miracle!
jc
Sorry to hear about the discovery motion. I’m a new attorney, but isn’t there anyway to circumvent this with the court as too burdensome/frivolous/expensive/etc? Hugs! It’s almost Christmas!
Senior Attorney
Unfortunately the only way out seems to be through. Easier to comply than complain (to the court), I’m afraid.
KLG
Probably cheaper too. Hope your attorney will let you do a first draft of the responses to cut costs!
Senior Attorney
Done! :)
Blonde Lawyer
Well, here is one small bonus. You are an attorney – so you know what discovery responses should look like. Can you draft the responses yourself including compiling all the financial information in the proper “ready for production” form, including Bates numbering and then just provide it to your attorney to review prior to submitting? That should really keep costs down and just tie up one Saturday or Sunday of your time.
As an attorney who sometimes does family law, I can probably explain a bit why his attorney is doing this. Most non-attorneys incorrectly fill out financial affidavits. For example, my state asks for checking accounts on one line and investment accounts on another but has no line for savings accounts. Savings accounts are considered investment accounts here. However, when most people think of investments they think of stocks and bonds and the like. So lay people often fill in the checking line and say none for investments not realizing their savings account was supposed to go somewhere. It is not until they get an interrogatory that says “list all of your bank accounts” do we figure out something was missing.
So, it is now considered malpractice in my state to not conduct discovery into financial assets before recommending a settlement. This can be informal discovery as some people settle before even filing. However, it almost always has to involve answering written questions under oath.
It is just a way to make sure nothing was missed and if it turns out it was purposefully left out we can call fraud since they had signed something under oath.
At the end of the day though, how annoying to do this right before Christmas. Maybe his attorney is worried about his/her hours.
Senior Attorney
BlondeLawyer, I totally get that his attorney feels like he has to do it. The thing that just slays me is that Mr. Senior Attorney, after living with me for 16 years, actually thinks I would have the ability or inclination to hide anything from him.
Usually when I get divorced it’s much more civilized. ;)
My Stepkids' Mom
I totally hear you, and I’m sorry. Only thing I can say is: he’ll have to respond to yours, too.
On the subject of hiding assets, my step-wife was gifted a house ($600K, no mortgage, total gift) by her mother while she and my husband were still married. He never found out until years later, after we got together, and I did some Lexis-Nexis magic. When she moved out of the marital home, she told him that she had rented the one that turned out to have been gift WHILE SHE WAS LIVING in the marital home with him and the kids. She later made many comments about how they would have gotten back together after the divorce had he and I not met (yeah, right, that’s why you went out with mommy and bought a house). For years, she told him that she needed more money — from him — because she could not pay her rent and then claimed her rent was X. There was no rent; there was a free house with no mortgage.
OK, I digress. But maybe you will find that HE is hiding something.
TBK
Just have to say, love the term “step-wife.” Saying “my husband’s ex-wife” just doesn’t get at the whole picture when there are kids involved. I’m not sure how much my mother realized the family she was marrying into included my stepdad’s ex (she got that she was getting new daughters in the bargain but kind of didn’t figure in their mother). The girls are all now grown, but there were many years when even I felt related to the ex-wife (and I was long since grown and out of the house when they got married).
My Stepkids' Mom
Dear TBK,
I read that somewhere, and it stuck. I’d much rather feel related to her than harassed by her. And you *are* kinda related to your step-sisters’ mom.
When my SD would go all “[My Stepkids’ Mom] is NOT my family, and I am NOT related to her and she does NOT belong in my life,” I would sometimes quietly say that had I been a little younger or a little more adventurous when her dad and I met, she would now have a (half-)brother or sister whose mom was ME. She doesn’t get it the way you clearly do.
And, yes, on my looooong list of things I tell women who are considering becoming stepmothers to consider is your would-be step-wife. She can affect your marriage and your household in untold ways. I’m so glad that yours seems to be in a good way.
Anonymous
Why would your SD want you in her life when you are constantly trashing her mother online?
Silvercurls
Maybe the stepmom comes here to vent so that she can go on being on good terms with her SD.
Wildkitten
Maybe.
anonforthis
I understand a lot of people’s instinct to criticize a stepmother who complains about the child’s “real” mother. Often the “real” mother is a wonderful person and mother who doesn’t deserve the complaints. But sometimes she’s not. Sometimes she’s a verbally and physically violent person who does not shield her children from the violence. Unless you know the “real” mother, be careful when criticizing the stepmother for not liking her.
anon in tejas
this is a pretty routine move.
if you want to be a B, my favorite discovery response is.
Account/Asset X exists, and all documents related are in Soon-To-Be-ExSpouse’s exclusive possession and control.
if you want to be a superB, send an email to STBX and request the documents, and then add…
A email request to STBX was sent on DATE in order to comply with this request, to date, documents were not produced, and no response was received.
Hang in there.
Senior Attorney
LOL, yes there were a few responses along those lines. My favorite was “The parties made X, Y, and Z agreements when petitioner left the Marital Residence. The parties did NOT agree that respondent would have exclusive use of the Marital Residence, nor that he would change the locks on the Marital Residence, which he did almost immediately after petitioner moved out.”
What a putz.
But the meeting went really well and I am just overwhelmed by feelings of relief and good cheer at being finally free of him!
KLG
Glad to hear it! Good luck with all this!
Becky
Need to vent-Just found out my SO opened his xmas gift which I had mailed to his house but it was addressed to me c/o him. We discussed this and he was supposed to wait until I got there so I could see his face. I am so sad. Why would he think I would mail him his gift and not want to actually do an in person gift exchange :( half the time I swear I just talk and he doesn’t listen.
Senior Attorney
That’s so disappointing!
I know you didn’t ask for advice, but please try not to give him such a hard time about it that it ruins the gift for both of you. It was supposed to make him happy, so if it did that, call it a win and (just say fooey and) move on!
Becky
Thanks. I am probably just feeling off that today is my last day at work and its so empty here. Plus I travel home tomorrow and the year is almost over. What a years it’s been. He’s a good guy so I will say fooey and enjoy the holiday season.
happy holidays hive!
Anonymous
OK, people, it’s time to psych me up: I’m about to start online dating for the first time, and I need some support! (And, yes, I’m shameless.) I hope everyone has a good weekend in the runup to Festivus.
Anon
My advice is to wait until the new year. The first two weeks are the most fun, but I’d guess that this time of year would be quite slow unless you’re signing up for J-Date or a service that caters to non-Christians. Even then, lots of people may be on vacation since it’s a slow time at work.
DC Association
I just read something that said that between now and Valentines’ are the BEST times to join. The whole finding love in the new year type of thing. It does not hurt one bit to start now…so just do it!!
Anon
Yeah, I’m not so sure about this being a bad time to start. I think during the holidays is definitely not a time when people will be actually going on dates — because everyone is out of town/traveling — but it’s a great time to start sending messages and having conversations with people. Everyone has down time when traveling and on vacation, and many people use it to browse/message on dating sites, and then schedule the actual dates for when they’re back in town. In fact, I went on a ton of dates right after Thanksgiving, because during Thanksgiving I had time to actually send out a bunch of messages (because reading through online dating profiles/searching for people/responding to messages takes so.much.time). Not to mention – if you keep making excuses for not starting the process you never will.
I’m a big fan of online dating. I met my last boyfriend that way (on OkCupid). We dated for almost a year and broke up a few months ago for reasons that had nothing to do with how we met. I’ve gone on some terrible dates and some great dates since; nothing has stuck yet but I’m confident that it will eventually. I’ve had SO MUCH more success than meeting guys out at bars (most guys I meet that way tend to be less interested in developing a relationship) or meeting guys through friends (just not enough new people for me to meet).
A bunch of tips: (1) Don’t get too invested in someone until you meet them in person — do NOT spend weeks messaging long/involved messages, because if you don’t have chemistry in person you’ll find out in five minutes and you will have wasted a ton of time. If someone seems nice/normal/non-crazy/generally what you’re looking for based on their profile, send a few short messages back and forth and meet them as soon as possible. (2) You have to do the work — I find that almost everyone I’ve actually really liked started with me messaging them first. Most “unsolicited” messages are from people I would never date (e.g. guy in Iran who messaged me last week and was incompatible with me on every single level possible; 86-year-old man (true story); messages that are so filled with spelling/grammar issues that I can’t even understand what they’re saying; anything that starts out “hey baby nice ___;” etc.). (3) Go on LOTS of dates. Keep scheduling dates even if you are excited about one person, so that you won’t be too bummed if it doesn’t work out in person. (4) Google/check on Facebook/LinkedIn/etc. as soon as you have a first name and some info (sometimes that’s all you need). (5) (This one is obvious) Meet in a public place always.
Good luck and have fun!! It’s an exhausting, sometimes painful process but I’ve met some really incredible men I never, ever would have met otherwise.
Anon
This next week, or the first week of the new year, are actually a great time to start online dating–I noticed last year that I got a flurry of activity from men who must have made resolutions to find partners. There’s no other way to explain the volume of traffic my profile got in the first two weeks of last year.
LizNYC
Woohoo! Good luck! True story: I met my DH on eHarmony! We’ve been together for 5 years, married for 3 :)
Killer Kitten Heels
Met my husband on a free online dating site! I like to think of it as “the biggest bar in the world” – basically, lots of nonsense/losers (just like in a bar), but the good guys are there if you have a little bit of patience to wade through the no-gos.
Anon
Join our FB dating group!
Anon2
Yes! I think a few of us are going to try online dating again in the new year!
amelia earhart
what is the FB dating group called? if you want you can email it to me satrathnona at gmail
zora
yes, we have a dating support group on FB and we talk a lot about the various online dating sites and give each other moral support. ;o) it’s a private group, so email me if you want to join and I can send you an invite by email. my email is zora dances at the gmail with no spaces. I will send you an invite now, Amelia earhart. All are welcome!
R
This sounds like a brilliant idea. I could totally use the support!
HM
Met my hubby on Match! Just remember it’s like any other random large grouping of random people… There will be a lot of not compatibles, some that pique your interest, and a handful of potential somethings. Good Luck!
Anonymous
Thanks, everybody! I just got back and am very heartened by all your comments! I appreciate the support. Also, post the name of the FB dating group. :)
zora
email me and i’ll send you an invite to the fb group. zoradances at gmail. ;o)
Sadie
Just chiming in, I also met my hubs on Match. Together 4 yrs, married 3. :) Best guy I ever met. (I’m in my late 30’s, so I’ve kissed a number of frogs.)
Sydney Bristow
Yay! I made the leap 2 years ago and just totally dove in head first. There has been a lot of great advice given here over the past few years so it might be worth searching for those threads.
My advice is to 100% be yourself and be upfront about what you are and are not looking for. Fill out your profile with a lot of detail so people will get a sense of you before messaging you and know that you’ll need to put yourself out there and message others first too. When you send a message make sure you send something like you’d want to receive. For me, I wanted a message that made it clear the person had read my profile so when I’d send a message I’d mention something they had in their profile. Meet anyone who seems interesting and go on lots of dates. It lessens the pressure on each one.
Have fun and good luck!
AttiredAttorney
The first few months are fun, exciting, and rife with good stories. Enjoy it!
buying a car... help?
Any tips for buying a used car, either from a dealer or an individual? Price point is under $5k.
Thank you
Bonnie
Get a carfax report to see if the car has been totaled out by an insurance company. That’s an indication there can be flood or frame damage. If you’re buying from a dealer, be prepared to walk away. They can always go lower on the price and will always call you back to negotiate more. With your budget, focus on mileage and general condition of the car. Don’t worry about dings and scratches as your car will get those anyway. And dealers can be sexist assholes who think women are more concerned about the color and mirrors more than the technical specs. Good luck!
Ashley
Do you know what kind of car you want? I recently went on Edmunds and basically shopped by style: size safety rating, cargo room, mileage, and then, price. I set up an alert in my area for cars that meet the criteria and get emails when they come available.
AddAComment
Just heard an interesting This American Life episode about the goings on behind the scenes of a car dealership. They suggested shoppers might find/negotiate better deals when waiting to shop until the end of the month when dealerships are concerned with meeting their monthly quotas.
Killer Kitten Heels
This is true. I bought my car on the second-to-last day of the month, after shopping for two solid months at various dealerships. They all but threw the car at me for whatever price I said – I imagine for quota reasons.
jen
Any book suggestions? I have a long flight coming up, and I could use some new books to pass the time.
Anonymous
Where’d you go, Bernadette — one of my favorites I read in 2013!
espresso bean
The Goldfinch!
hellskitchen
Seconded
LawyrChk
The Fault in Our Stars (John Green)
Flat Out Love
Divergent series
Where We Belong (Emily Giffin)
Sometimes Never (Cheryl McIntyre)
The Night Circus
Anonymous
What kinds of books do you like? Is there any type of book you’re unfamiliar with that you feel like exploring? For example, for me this would be: Mainly read sci-fi/fantasy that leans anthropological, want to read more modern literary fiction, for some reason at the moment am really only drawn to books with female main characters.
Unfortunately, my forays into literary fiction have been largely unsuccessful, but I just finished the free kindle anthology of 2013 Tor.com original stories and thought it was (for the most part, as with any short story anthology) amazing. It had a number of stories that were only barely genre. I especially loved Wakulla Springs by Andy Duncan and Ellen Klages, which as far as I can tell didn’t have any genre elements, and The Water That Falls on You from Nowhere by John Chu.
zora
It’s official, not stepping foot back in this dumbface office till 2014!! woot!
houda
Enjoy your vacation :)
Grumpy Accountant
Just need to vent: A client is INSISTING that we finish a return for them by 12/31, but couldn’t be bothered to get us some valuation numbers we needed until 4 p.m. today. I’m a lowly tax peon, so not only did I have to stay at work ’til after 7 tonight, I’m going to lose the day of comp time I was going to take on Monday. I am so sad, so cross, and so righteously indignant. Taxes are hard, I’ll be at the office by myself, and there will be no one to answer my many (probably dumb) questions, because it’s Christmas week and the office is a wasteland.
/rant.
Okay, I feel slightly better. Now for a healthy dinner of biscuits and gin.
I need hugs and RAWRS a lot.
zora
HUGS AND RAWRS AND RAWRS AND HUGS.
I had a lot of work things to rant about this week, too. This is totally lame, I’m sorry. Rawr on them!!
Ashley
More hugs and rawrs than you can stand.
This sucks. Bad Client! Bad! I hope that poop head gets lumps of coal in their stockings, the bah scumbag Grinches. grrrrrrrrrr at the client.
Hugggggggggggggs for you!
Anonymous
RAWR HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So sorry — but maybe the lack of people will actually help you be more efficient and finish faster?
R
A thought — was combing back through the archives, ran across a post on natural ethnic hair. Consensus was that as long as your hair is “neat” it’s fine. But isn’t that the point — natural hair is not always “neat.” My natural hair texture is, frankly, wild. Not quite curly, mostly wavy, irregular curl pattern. I love it, but always in a chignon at the office.
In other news, survived the first two months of a new job! Now, for some relaxing time with the family.
Monday
I’m not sure if this was intended as an independent post–seems like it? Anyway, I really hear you on this “neatness” standard for natural hair. Over the past few years I’ve been letting my hair do its thing, and “neat” does not apply to me either: irregular texture, not symmetrical, not predictable, not the same day to day. I think we need a different notion of what “professional” hair can look like. (You may even have found me saying this on the old thread too!) At this point I’ve really come to love having big, wild hair and I think it looks especially cool as a counterpoint to a conservative outfit. I usually don’t wear it up because I feel like as long as it’s clean and not obstructing my face or my work, there’s nothing to apologize for. I love seeing other women with bold hairstyles and natural textures as well.
Bette
I think “neat” may be a bad way of saying “consciously styled.” There’s a difference between not having combed your hair and it sticking out in all sorts of ways and a beautiful halo of exuberant curls. The first I’d say is not right for work while the second completely is.
Best way to learn languages?
I’m looking to learn some Italian before I visit next March. What’s your favorite way to pick up a basic level of a language quickly?
(I do know some Spanish incidentally.)
Wildkitten
immersion
Wildkitten
So, in this case, private in person immersion-style tutoring from a native italian.
espresso bean
DuoLingo! It’s an app and a website. Totally free and really good for learning the basics.
DC Wonkette
Date a really hot guy who knows Italian :-)
NOLA
Or date a really hot guy who IS Italian!
Cashmere PSA
Lord and Taylor has all of their house brand cashmere sweaters on sale for $50 today. There’s also a coupon for $25 off orders of $175 or more that is applicable. And there’s free next day shipping. I have so many new sweaters coming to me now.
Moonstone
Thanks for the info. I ordered two and am looking forward to receiving them.
Ashley
My L&T cashmere was the worst. It shed like the dickens and never stopped. Very disappointing. YMMV.
Sydney Bristow
In news related to the online dating post above, I’m engaged to the man I met online nearly 2 years ago!! He proposed while we were on vacation with my family last weekend, which was so perfect since I’m incredibly close with them and he knew I’d want to celebrate with them all as soon as I could. Just had to share since many of you gave me such great dating advice over the past few years!
January
Congrats! I did not like online dating, but I’m so glad it worked out for you!!
preg 3L
Aaww, congratulations!!! That’s fantastic!
Wildkitten
Congratulations!
espresso bean
Congratulations! How exciting!
Monday
YAY!!!!!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Congratulations!
Sydney Bristow
Thanks all! I’m so excited and happy!
Godzilla
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!
AIMS
Wow – congrats!!! That’s awesome.
Nonny
Congratulations! That’s such awesome news!
Jordan
Amazing! Congratulations!
vee
Hi ladies–first time commenting, though I’ve been reading since before Kat was Kat.
I have a TJ for those working in venture capital, if any.
I’m a lawyer working with a teeny little early stage tech startup that I thoroughly adore. The founder brought up the possibility of my being CEO instead of him (after we had a bit of a co-founder shuffle where we lost the CTO). I originally rejected the idea, but after talking to a few people who said I was shortchanging myself and the startup, am not so sure.
I guess my question is, how bad is it really to have a female CEO at a tech startup when fundraising? We’d really (ideally) both be in the same room when pitching investors, but since it’s a startup the lines are pretty fluid. We already naturally fall into the positions where he handles all the technical issues and I handle business and strategy issues (and everyone has input on product). However, since he’s the creator and I joined the team several months later, he’s pretty well established as the “face” of the company. That being said, I think I tend to come across as more mature and balanced and that he’s also feeling he needs to keep me around as long as possible.
The founder/creator is supportive and aware that women tend not to make headway in the tech world, but he also pointed to women in tech initiatives. I’m really not familiar enough with the tech and VC world to make the judgment call on whether or not me-as-CEO would help or hinder the company.
Thoughts?
Senior Attorney
I know nothing about the tech world, or fundraising, or whatever. But in all honestly, I cannot imagine a man, when offered the position of CEO, not jumping at the opportunity. Go out there and be the female CEO who makes it awesome for all future tech startups to have a woman at the helm!
Wildkitten
+1
Godzilla
Who cares if you know less than zilch (which I’m sure is not the case), DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 WE WANNA READ ABOUT YOU IN ALL THE MAGAZINESBLOGS!!!!!!!11
Samantha
+1 to this. It’s great that you’re putting the company above your personal career advancement (and I know that yes, the former’s success affects the latter). But don’t. It’s an opportunity, take it with both hands. Or like Sandberg says “When offered a ride in a rocketship, don’t ask which seat!”.
Anonymous
It is going to be unusual. I work in finance with a lot of early stage VC backed companies, and it’s definitely the exception. It may be a deterrent to some investors, sorry to say – it’s still an old boys network in many ways. But for others, it will be entirely execution. Sounds like between the two of you, there would be a good balance.
Flying Squirrel
I think whether it helps/hurts will depend on how you handle the position. The specific sector of tech (they are not all the same) that you are in will give you some idea of how much of a minority you’ll be in as a CEO, and that may impact how you handle yourself.
But as much as the VC world is an old boys network in many ways, there are also VC firms that specifically target women. Your alumni network and any other personal contacts could also be helpful. B/c women are so underrepresented in tech, there are opportunities available specifically to women. you just need to be diligent about seeking them out and willing to use your being a woman as a way to get an in. That said, men use all kinds of “ins” that have nothing to do with their ability to run their company, so why shouldn’t you do the same?
As helpful criticism, though, you will really need to learn more about the technical side of things to do this well. Obviously the inventor will be the technical lead, but nothing irks me more than when people without technical backgrounds act like anything technical is way above their heads or in a foreign language (no offense, you may not be that way at all). Many concepts can be easily understood without knowing the math etc behind them.
I worked with an amazing person on a very technical project for well over a year, and I never realized until it was over that he had no formal technical education at all…all his degrees were in political science. But he was the first to criticize non-techies for saying like they couldn’t understand the basic concepts…as he pointed out, it’s not that hard if you try. Investors will want to feel confident that the CEO knows what she’s talking about. And, imho, to truly understand your competitive landscape in order to do business strategy you need to understand enough about how your technology works (not just what it does) to know what differentiates you from your competitors. If you company is still very small, this will be crucial in identifying what’s your best market niche and how you can evolve while staying ahead.
vee
Aww, thanks for all the support, everyone!
I went and armed myself with Lean In and I’m spending a lot of time thinking/writing/meditating on the pros and cons. Seems like the consensus is that yes, a female CEO will have an effect on the fundraising, but not enough to justify my taking myself out of the running.
And Flying Squirrel (just realized that this thread contains a squirrel, a kitten, AND Godzilla!)–Thanks for the constructive criticism. That was one of my main concerns, but I’m told there’s a difference between understanding the structure of your front end/back end and being able to explain the algorithms you’re using. I’d already put “learn CSS/Javascript” on my to do list so that I’d be able to, say, update our privacy policy without having to track down a coder, so hopefully it won’t be too much more effort to learn how all the parts are put together.
Also, I’ve received an invitation to do a TED-style talk for a women-in-tech type group, so maybe this is the universe telling me something.
Godzilla
Dude. Do it.
MCA
I would like to invest in some nice basic tees. I am willing to spend up to $150 per tee (I don’t want these to look like the basic thing you can pick up from target). Does anyone have any recommendations?
preg 3L
Everlane tees are always recommended as “luxury” tees but they’re well below your desired price point.
Bonnie
$150 seems a little much to me for tees. I love the White House black market seamless tees. They certainly don’t look like target tees and are usually around $30
MCA
Thanks for the suggestions! The $150 mark was more of a max, not necessarily what I want to spend.
Anonymous
James Perse tees are really nice and you can usually find them at TJ Maxx or Marshalls for ~$35.
Equity's Darling
Between the flood this summer where I was displaced for a week (and thankfully taken in by a friend), and now the ice storm with no power (and therefore no heat, in winter, in Canada, yay!) for possibly days, I have decided that I am done with 2013, and 2014 needs to be simply free of natural disasters. I also need to learn how to plan for emergencies.
TO Lawyer
Oh no! Hope you’re ok. I was lucky to not lose power but I know some friends lost power and it probably won’t be restored until after Christmas.
I agree though – I also need to learn how to plan for emergencies because there were 2 major power outages in the area in 6 months.
Nonny
Are you going to be able to make it home for Christmas (assuming you were planning to go home in the first place)?
Equity's Darling
I am home! That’s where the storm is! It’s like the natural disasters are following me!
Hope you’re enjoy the last little bit of quiet before baby arrives:)
SoCalAtty
Write a note to yourself of all the things you wish you had done before the power went off – and then watch for sales and do them! I think a small generator and the knowledge/ability to use it to power your place is essential. I live in SoCal and we have one, and just use it to power the fridge/freezer when there are outages. Could also use it for air conditioning (heat is gas).
We keep a plastic tub with flashlights, candles, and first aid stuff, and make sure our pantry has a few weeks worth of stuff in case roads are not useable (earthquake country). It’s been a lifesaver!
NOLA
Ok, fun thing for the day! We all know that we shop for ourselves when we shop for Christmas presents. What are your favorite things you bought for yourself this holiday season?
Mine are:
-my Grinch mug, which I found when searching for Grinch items for my friend’s daughter. It is the most awesome mug and I drink my coffee from it every morning.
-my Soft Kitty sleep tank! It came while I was away and when I got home it was in the 70s and I needed something to sleep in. It is comfortable and fun, with all of the lyrics to Soft Kitty printed on it.
Senior Attorney
— I just splurged on the Banana Republic Evan satchel in garnet and I love it so much I want to marry it! Got it for 35% plus 10% off so I’m happy with the price I paid, too! (Although I see it’s on sale for a bit less today, of course. Isn’t that always the way!)
— New slippers to keep my tootsies warm on my hard floors.
— Not really something I saw out shopping, but I subscribed to a CSA organic veggie box and got my first delivery this past Saturday. SO HAPPY with it and I think it will help me be healthier in the coming year.
Mpls
My favorite thing this holiday season was going to the Mall of America (largest mall in the US) at 8:45 am on a Saturday. I normally avoid it like the plague during the Christmas shopping season, but had to do a return – and to my surprise, they opened at 8am, instead of the more typical 10 am. So, awesome parking spot and hardly any people.
ss
Pasta maker. It’s a bit of a splurge because I have no idea whether I am likely to use it beyond the first couple of experiments.
NOLA
I used to use mine a lot more but i had a tradition of making homemade ravioli every year between Christmas and New Years. I never used mine to make basic pasta (like linguini) but have used it a lot to make stuffed pastas.
Anon
Dear de Blasio staffer who is on the front page of The NY Post,
Yikes! That’s a rough way to start the day. Also? Great coat. J.Crew Lady Day Coat? You are rocking it, I could barely notice the headline.
Anon
Senior Attorney
Way to rock the Pantone Color of the Year…
Senior Attorney
Okay, that was mean of me. I read the article and it seems as though Spitzer has separated from his wife. And honestly, I’m kind of over the whole slut-shaming thing. So I would like to take my snarky comment back.
CountC
It is a great coat! I also love the cheetah scarf with it.
Senior Attorney
Who’s in the office today (Monday Dec 23) besides me, and what are you wearing?
I’m here almost by myself, so I am indulging in a little holiday festive borderline-office-inappropriate wear: Banana Republic black-and-white sweater with striped sleeves and a giant graphic print of a bow on the front (my version of a Christmas sweater this year), white flared midi skirt, red patent pumps, red bag. Purple wool coat for outdoors.
Who’s next?
Godzilla
I’m wearing jeans every day.
Can’t care, won’t care.
SoCalAtty
Me too! Comfy White House Black Market dark jeans, v neck black sweater, JCrew scarf.
It is freezing in my office for no reason, so I went out and grabbed my Patagonia down sweater. Classy. Oh and my favorite Born mid-calf black boots. Funky tall socks.
Senior Attorney
I’m working all next week., and this sounds like a great idea. And verra verra rebelious for me, whose one and only Hard And Fast Office Fashion Rule is “no denim!”
TO Lawyer
I inexplicably dressed up in a dress and blazers and my boss is in jeans and a fleece. FAIL
Wish I was in comfy clothes too. Also just need to vent – I AM SLAMMED TODAY. Why does everyone want me to do 95 things at the same time today. At least we’re closed after today.
TO Lawyer
typing fail – I am just wearing one blazer today
Mpls
Yoga pants and North Face Fleece. Because it’s 65 degrees and there isn’t (hardly) anyone else in the office, so who cares.
Godzilla
I like the way you think. May break out the yoga pants after Christmas because I will probably be the only employee here.
Mpls
To clarify that’s 65 degrees inside, not outside. Outside is below zero.
Sydney Bristow
I’m back at work today after vacation. Came in to find out that I get both Tuesday and Wednesday off both this week and next instead of just the Wednesdays like I thought. Yay! It also makes me glad I wore my little bit of holiday cheer today. I’m wearing a black pencil skirt with charcoal tights and a forest green blouse with a cranberry colored cardigan.
anon in tejas
I’m in after being at the hospital all weekend (dad had surgery), just to get my mind off things. boots, black tights, grey skirt and black turtleneck. Unfortunately, it fits my mood. But, I am comfy and warm today which is going a long way for my mental health.
AIMS
Me. Tweed skirt & black sweater. I was very excited to dress up more creatively today since no one is here and then I drew an epic blank staring at my closet. Oh well. There’s always tomorrow.
Susie
I’m at the office, wearing a black long sleeved shirt with a sparkly candy cane on it and a green Skirt with black pumps. The shirt is slightly more casual than what I wear normally, but so far it looks like most people are dressed down. Just about everyone is in today and tomorrow, about half of us will be here Thursday and Friday.
Nonny
Last day in the office until June or July (weird, and the subject of a TJ below), so wearing my nicest maternity office dress (no, that is not an oxymoron), which happens to be the same navy blue, white-polka-dotted V-neck wrap dress that the Duchess of Cambridge wore during her pregnancy. Also wearing emerald earrings and necklace for a festive touch, and my ubiquitous (these days) black tights and flat ankle boots.
I wore modest heels to a Christmas party last night and after standing for half an hour realized why it is not recommended to wear heels when 38 weeks pregnant, and why I have been wearing these same flat ankle boots for the past two months. Yup.
KS IT Chick
We had 6 inches of snow, over 1 inch of ice, over the weekend, so I’m dressed for warmth.
White thermal long-sleeve t-shirt from Eddie Bauer
Navy zip-up cardigan sweater
Gray slacks
Black tights
Black lace-up Dansko brogues
Samantha
Working all week but Wednesday. Boo.
Could’ve gone with jeans (and I did, part of last week) but today I’m in a comfy black skirt with pockets from Old Navy, a almost black (dark blue) cotton short sleeved tee, covered by a turquoise cotton-cashmere blend sweater I got last winter from Uniqlo at a great price. Also black tights and my favorite beaten down old black boots from Aldo.
Also wearing a necklace of turquoise round beads separated by silver cylinders.
Planning to go to much-needed lunchtime yoga today (yay!) and I’m looking forward to it!
Brunette Elle Woods
I am also in the office and wearing nothing of interest, just the regular dress pants and cardigan.
However, I am the only Jewish attorney in my small office and of course my boss jokes that I should work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as if I don’t have plans or see family just because I’m Jewish. I don’t get Jewish holidays off so at least let me go to the movies with my family on Christmas! Ugh.
SoCalAtty
Yeah, I’ve heard all of those. Last time I said, ok, but next year I’ll expect the whole week of Hanukkah off as a paid holiday just like Dec 25. Funny, they never made the comment again…
Senior Attorney
No kidding! And eat Chinese takeout!
j
Black pencil skirt, cream top w/ black polka dots, black baggy open cardigan with short sleeves, black tights, t-strap flats. There’s no one else on my floor and I have plans after work, so I’m about to change into leather leggings and heels.
Appropriate or no??
Hi hive – is it appropriate for me to ask a more senior male colleague out for drinks/dinner with me and my SO? Colleague and I are friendly and have gone out for drinks/dinner with other various colleagues several times. I’d like to be ‘real friends’ and also see him as a mentor.
mascot
I don’t see a problem with it. I think you can certainly receive mentoring from your friends. To the extent that you know him first through work and that you expect the mentoring relationship to be more formal, I’d advise against the same level of casualness and intimacy that you may have with friends who don’t work with you.
OP
Thanks Mascot – that is good advice. I think that is precisely what I am looking for: ‘friends’ as in, excellent/personable work colleagues, not ‘friends’ as in let’s hang out at my place. It might be a tricky line to toe but I agree it is essential.
Nonny
Today is my last day in the office before the start of my maternity leave. I’m planning to take 6 or 7 months off (thank you, Canadian maternity leave policies) so will be out of the office until June or July. It feels super weird, especially since today I actually feel OK despite being 38 weeks pregnant. I can’t believe that when I walk out of here today, that will be it. I almost want to keep working for another week, even though I’ve already cleaned off my desk, just because it feels so surreal not to. Of course I could go into labour tomorrow. But my job is such a big part of how I identify myself, it will be strange not to be here. Did anyone else have the same reaction to going on maternity leave? I’m sure it will get easier once I have a small being who will be the focus of my attention 24 hours a day, but that could still be weeks away….
JJ
It did feel weird. Especially before my first was born, I didn’t know what to do with myself once I went on leave and wasn’t working. But the first time I slept in on a weekday and then got a pedicure (I had a scheduled inducement on a Tuesday and took off the Thursday before), I was pretty sold on having a few days off.
You’re correct that once your baby is born, you won’t even have time to think about life for the first few weeks. And then the next few months will fly by faster than you know. But congrats! This is such an exciting time for you.
Flying Squirrel
Felt pretty weird, and I was having a hard time walking out the door. Though what helped was the fact that I was in pretty rough shape physically…sitting at my desk all day was leaving me swollen in pain.
38w on Christmas day…we’ll see how long I last!
Congrats!
Anonymous
I already feel weird about it and have anxiety about it and I’m not due until February. Its weird to just “let go” of stuff and not call to check in on the status of stuff, etc. I feel like I’m going to want to do that.
I’m planning to work right up until I’m in labor or can’t physically do it anymore, but I’d imagine those last few days, I won’t have too much to do, since I’m going to want to be prepared with handing stuff off as early as possible (in case I go early). It’ll be a weird transition for sure.
Bizzyb
I’m in academia, and our policy is a full semester off. I’m not due until early Feb, but the way our calendar goes, I’m out from now until August. I just feel like I’m going to be stir-crazy in January. My work colleagues are my social outlet too, so I know I’ll miss that.
Need Advice
I’ve been waiting all morning for the new post. I didn’t realize this was it for the week! I have the most bizarre issue and would love your input.
I’ll start with the tl/dr version: guy who sexually assaulted me in high school is now naming his (yet unborn) daughter after me and named his son after my brother. Do I tell his wife? WTF!
Long version:
I’m in my mid thirties. Growing up, my high school best friend’s older brother (3 years older) was sexually inappropriate with me. This culminated in a scary sort of sexual assault at 14 or 15. (pinned down, threats of what he could do to me, over the clothes chest touching). He later was kicked of college (his freshmen year) for sexual harassment. I got the impression his family knew he was often inappropriate (asking girls vulgar questions) and didn’t really do much to stop him beyond saying “don’t say that.” For a variety of reasons, the only people I told were my high school boyfriend, years later that best friend (who totally blew it off as a misunderstanding) and my now husband. I’m no longer friends with that girl but our parents are still friends. I live in another state and hadn’t seen him since I “left the nest.”
I went to high school best friends wedding this year as sort of a family obligation. I ended up freaking out about seeing him right before. It had been about 8 years since we had seen each other. My husband came w/ me as my buffer. Creeping creeper must have been watching and waiting b/c when my husband went to the bar, he came over and said something “complimentary” to me. This was in front of my parents who of course thought he was “being so sweet.” They didn’t know he waited for his one moment to be a disgusting creeper. He left the wedding immediately after and no one knows where he went. I’m assuming he left to avoid getting confronted by my husband.
Yesterday, I saw my parents who had been at high school best friend’s parents house for a xmas party. They ran into the creeping creeper who told my dad that he and their wife had named their son after my brother and if the baby they were now expecting was a girl, they would name it after me. My dad was of course so honored. I flipped when they told me and said “look, he is a scumbag. Not a good person. We don’t get along. (which I have told them for years, just not specifics.) I am not at all happy he is naming his kid after me.” My parents didn’t ask follow up questions.
I’m so disgusted by this but don’t know what to do about it. Obviously his wife has no clue. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he hasn’t. She has a pre-teen daughter from a previous relationship. Part of me had considered warning her about his past so she could keep an eye on her daughter and her friends but I had no idea how to go about doing it and figure it could just blow up into a huge thing. To further complicate matters, he just beat a potentially fatal illness so the family has been through a lot. Part of me feels his wife should know who he really wants to name his daughter after. However, what he did, as awful as it was, wasn’t you know – the whole enchilada – so part of me feels crazy for still being upset about it so many years later and compared to what so many other people have endured it was quite minor.
However, it was minor because I got away, locked myself in a bathroom, and called my mom to pick me up (without saying why). No one else was home, I had been tricked into going over there to see my friend – she wasn’t there nor were her parents. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t got away from him.
What should I do? Do I have an obligation to tell his wife? How? I can’t decide which has a worse outcome for her? Knowing your husband is naming your kid after the girl he sexually assaulted or finding out that your (maybe now changed) husband sexually assaulted someone in his past.
This is so full of WTF I don’t even know where to begin.
Godzilla
Whoa. I don’t even know what to say except that the whole naming thing is not worth your time. Creeper’s stepdaughter, however, most certainly is. Is there a way to somehow indirectly counsel her? About assault and consent in general. So if something is happening, she is confident enough to report it. Clergy, family friend, someone you can reach out to who can also talk to her.
Mpls
Well, he SAYS he’s doing it, knowing it will filter back through to you. (And even without the assault background, it would be really weird to have such a tangential person naming their kids after you). He hasn’t done it yet, though, right? I think it’s just another way he knows he can get at you.
As to the wife – I don’t know that there is anyway you can tell her without it sounding really weird coming from you.
I think the bigger thing is to somehow tell your parents that you don’t want any updates on Creeper anymore. No matter how “complimentary” they are. Tell them you don’t like him, he was not a nice guy around you, and he continues to creep you out even now.
mascot
I agree with this.
Diana Barry
+1. I would also try to disengage and protect.
Disengage – try not to care about the naming thing. Perhaps therapy could help with this. Ditto to Mpls about telling your parents NOT TO TALK ABOUT HIM EVER and perhaps (if you think their reaction will be OK) telling them about the assault.
Protect – if you go to your parents’ town, always have someone with you (husband or someone else). It sounds like he might still try to stalk you – I would try to guard against that.
Samantha
1. Good on you for having the courage and the presence of mind to get away and call your mom! You are awesome. You were, after all, a child, but you did the right thing to protect yourself and that’s fantastic.
2. The name thing is not worth your time. You can’t do a thing about it even if he does name his kid (who is yet unborn and not a confirmed girl yet, am I right?). And I agree with mpls that he’s just saying it to get to you.
3. Your healing is important and you shouldn’t feel any need to even have a whiff of defensiveness in your thoughts about this. He wasn’t sexually “inappropriate” with you, it was attempted rape and bullying, at the very least harassment. I am angry on behalf of your 14 or 15 year old self.
4.You need people on your side. Is there a reason not to come clean with your parents and let them know why you just do not want to hear any updates from this perverted ahole? I feel like you need them to stop being all “oh what a nice boy your childhood friend, why are you ignoring him”. Maybe just a watered down version if you could manage it? That way since they are in regular contact with his extended family, their antennae can be up in case they see any signs or need to somehow warn the young girl.
4. No you cannot tell the wife but I am concerned about the young girl and her friends. Others may have better ideas about whether any type of warning can be sent and how.
Anon for this
Please do not feel crazy about being upset about what happened after 8 years. Something very similar happened to me, with more than one person, and I am just now able to even recall it in my memory and deal with it 17 years later.
Everyone has given you good advice – I just wanted to say PLEASE don’t feel crazy about being upset. Sexual assault is sexual assault and is damaging at any degree.
anon in BigLaw
I’m in the office too with about, I don’t know, 2 other people? Should’ve worn jeans.
AIMS
What is the equivalent of a flowers gift for someone who doesn’t drink (so no bottle of wine/champagne)?
Long story: we got a very nice floral arrangement from someone and I’d like to do something to reciprocate. Goal is to spend around $50, up to $75. I know I could do food, but not sure what and I definitely don’t want to do a random gift basket because these people get soooooo many gift baskets every year and then try to give them all away. Any ideas?
SoCalAtty
I’m a non drinker for the most part. I always appreciate creative food gifts – interesting chocolate, oils/vinegars, things produced locally. A really nice bottle of balsamic vinegar can be a great wine replacement!
JJ
For the past few years, we’ve had someone send us the mixed croissant box from Williams Sonoma. It comes frozen you just leave them out overnight to rise and bake the next morning. They’re awesome and a great thing to have on hand for a brunch. I think you can buy a 3-month gift where the recipient receives one type of box each month.
Sydney Bristow
Ooh I would really love to re wove something like this.
Orange County Bondsman
The amount which in paid as premium to the agent is not reverted back.
He also confided to him that he had three arrests
the previous year for driving while under the influence of
alcohol and that he thought he had a drinking problem that he was going to have to confront.
If you don’t, you’re going to get thrown out very quickly,
and your reputation will be tarnished forever.