Weekend Open Thread

332 Comments

1. Inspired by Sydney Bristow, does anyone have a list of all the things (financial and legal) that change when you get married? Before we do it (loooong term engagement, previous marriages and exes and kids here), I want to prepare. Here is what I have so far:

   • Cohabitation agreement becomes pre-nup to protect spouse 1 from difficult former spouse of spouse 2.
   • Cohabitation agreement becomes pre-nup so that government-employee spouse does not have to report self-employed-spouse’s clients and assets on annual disclosure form.
   • Taxes – how does this change? Especially as we keep our finances totally separate (see difficult former spouse, above).
   • 501K/403b/457/IRA – how does this change?
   • Social security – any change here?
   • Other?

   Any and all comments desperately welcomed. Thanks.

   1. I love that you asked this and I’m really interested to see all the responses!

      As for taxes, I was assuming we need to update our W-4s with our employers but I’m not sure whether keeping separate finances affects that.

      How about health insurance? Will you both continue doing what you do now or get onto a family plan? I didn’t have anything except an emergency only plan that was phased out so we looked at me getting my own or joining his. It was 1/2 as expensive for better coverage for me to join his plan so we filed for domestic partnership already and I’m on his plan now.

   2. wills? update beneficiaries on all insurance/financial accounts? figure out how your finances will or will not be comingled and add names as appropriate?

      Fun fact on social security: my parents got divorced after 20+ years of marriage. Dad was sole breadwinner and mom stopped working in like, 1980. Turns out that after that long, they EACH get to collect 100% of Dad’s social secruity. So, if they remained married, they’d be getting a benefit of (for example) $1500/month based on Dad’s lifetime earnings. But now that they’re divorced, they EACH get the $1500/month! How insane is that? And we wonder why there is a growing deficit. (NB: this is a prickly loophole that only applies in select cases…but it applied to my parents!).

      1. Somehow that doesn’t outrage me.

         1. It doesn’t enrage me per se–it’s just that that’s not how the system is set up…the money has to come from somewhere!

            1. Well, it’s not like your benefit is capped by the amount that you contribute, either. So it’s possible to get more than you put in (depending on how long you live), even if you are collecting based on your own record.

   3. I dont think a prenup can get you out of the financial disclosure requirement

   4. Are you sure a pre-nup is sufficient to get you out of reporting your spouse’s info on fed employee financial disclosure? I would check with your ethics officer on that, if you have not already done so.

      1. +1

      2. Yeah I dont think so either

      3. I would be shocked if it did.

   5. After your wedding, you will have to file taxes as married, either jointly or separately. Presumably you have been filing as single or head of household or the past several years. Filing as married filing separately may cost you certain deductions that you would otherwise take be able to take as a single person or as a married person filing jointly. I’m not a tax expert, so I’ll stop there, but you may want to speak to someone about whether filing jointly or separately would be more beneficial given your situation.

      1. You *might* consider just not getting married officially, since it will probably only add complexity to your financial picture.

         1. I have considers this. Does that make me a giant B? Especially considering that I said “yes” years ago (when we both agreed it was premature for former spouse reasons)?

            1. Like have a fake wedding? Whats the point though? Just to tell people you love each other? Maybe a commitment ceremony?

            2. I think that’s a perfectly valid conversation to have with your partner.

   6. It sounds like your situation is a lot more complicated than many other couples’. You should probably consider consulting with a family law attorney or financial adviser in your state. Laws about the finances of married couples vary greatly from state to state.

2. So a old old friend and I are meeting up in NYC next weekend. Staying in FiDi and one goal is to see high line park. Other than that I’m desperate for non-touristy ideas-weve both done all those already.
   The one sticky point is that my level of income and hers are very very different. I work in investment banking and she’s at a non profit. How do I fight the urge to just pick up the tab everywhere? Any ideas for places that are cheap but fun? Any great brunch spots in Chelsea?

   1. I like to bring a picnic to the high line.

      1. And if you’re already on the high line, you could also wander through the Chelsea art galleries. They’ll be closed Sunday, but open Saturday. Totally free, but still kind of glam, and excellent people-watching. Sullivan st bakery right there is great and affordable for brunch or coffee. You could also take the east river ferry to Brooklyn–incredible views, a little off the beaten path, and restaurants and bars in Williamsburg, Greenpoint, or red hook can be great deals.

   2. I love Westville in Chelsea for brunch (they have a few other locations throughout the city).

      Are you going to overlap with Broadway week at all? It starts Jan. 21 and is 2-for-1 tickets.

      For drinks, check out the Campbell Apartment in Grand Central (it is a bit expensive, but it’s a neat space). Check out the Upright Citizens Brigade (Amy Poehler was in it, the new SNL cast member came from here) – tickets are inexpensive and they have cheap beer.

      I would also check out Chelsea Market before/after the high line – fun, great place for food souvenirs, and places to eat within the market. It will be crowded.

      1. Also, since you’re staying in FiDi – check out The Dead Rabbit for cocktails, beers, etc. Google it – I think it was just named World’s Best New Cocktail Bar in 2013. And check out North End Grill in Battery Park City. The food is excellent (order any of the egg dishes – so freaking good). If you share things, you can try more things for less cost. These might not be the cheapest places, but I’m not sure about what you’re hoping to pay per drink/meal. And check out Stone Street in FiDi – it has some adorable restaurants.

      2. Thanks for the Broadway week reminder! I forget every year.

         For the original poster, on the backside of Stone Street (on South William) is an amazing tiny little crepe place named Crepe du Nord. It’s the other side of Smorgas Chef.

      3. Sorry for yet another reply, but you could also do something like check out Gilt City or Groupon and see if there are things that you can try out. Looking at Gilt City, they have a bunch of restaurants that are offering specials right now.

   3. Chelsea Market is insanely crowded but I seem to remember lots of not too expensive food options, like fancy sandwiches and really delicious crepes. Not sure about sit-down places, though.

   4. It so depends on what you like to do/weather that it’s rather difficult to make recommendations. Do you like to sit in coffeeshops and chat? Do you like going to a special exhibit at the museum (borderline touristy BUT I don’t do this enough) (and the Met is pay what you wish, and can’t be done in one visit anyway). Do you like certain foods that you can’t find where you currently live?

   5. Cookshop is delicious for brunch and not too, too pricey, though of course it depends on what you order.

   6. Might be too far of a walk for you, but Galanga on West 4th Street and 6th Ave is good Thai for cheap (it’s by NYU). Plus they don’t shoo you out, even if you’ve been at the table for 3 hours (it’s happened!). Love the duck spring rolls. And they’ve got lots of veggie options too. The Belgian Beer Bar across the street has good brews, killer French fries, and a relaxed atmosphere.

   7. Go to a museum that has “suggested donation” instead of required admission fee. You can each pay what you wish. Make it clear to your friend that it is totally kosher to only pay a few dollars even if the suggestion is a lot more.

   8. Why fight the urge to pick up the bill? That’s what money is for. If they are adamant about going halfsies, then split the bills. Or pay for dinner and they can leave the tip. This is an old friend so you can talk about this kind of stuff, no?

   9. Pick up the tabs. Tell your friend, “I want to pay for things today. You do really good work, and this is my way of thanking you for the financial sacrafices you make to do it.” I often pay for meals, etc when I go out with friends who are still in school or unemployed.

      1. Yes to paying for the bill- no to this sentence. My eyes are stuck in the back of my head

      2. Yep.

         1. +1. Seriously. I’m a public defender. I love my work, and I often let my close friends pay for drinks, meals, etc. But if one of them said this to me I would roll my eyes so far back I would swallow them. We all sacrifice in different ways, but I’m no martyr.

            1. Right. Just pick up the tab and don’t make a federal case out of it.

   10. Just pick up the tabs. And take the friend for a ride through the city on citibikes, since it’s going to be nice. How about Gotham West Market? Ice skating in Bryant Park?

3. I posted late in the TPS thread and wanted to repost here. Grateful for the advice there – I probably should just stay out of it! But I really do feel so torn about wanting to help somehow, especially as my friend is so sad about this whole situation. Thanks for your thoughts in advance!
   —–
   I think I know the answer to this one but curious if there’s something I haven’t thought of. I have a good friend who is going through a terrible break up of her marriage. Kids involved and nasty, nasty soon to be ex. My friend has never had great judgment in men, but I have never said anything one way or the other. Now she has a neighbor that she is interested in. This is some guy she always thought was cute and he’s going through the same thing with his wife and he also has a small child and they live next door, so when she’s stuck at home with the kids and they go to bed, he comes over and they hang out. She claims they have this incredible connection, they always felt it, she feels better around him, yadda yadda. So far nothing has happened, but I think soon it will even though every week she tells him to stop coming over because this is a messy idea and then as soon as her kids go to bed, he gets drunk, calls her and they hang out on the porch.
   I guess my question is how do I get through my friend’s head that this guy is just trouble? I’ve met him and he is just such a loser. Not smart, depressed, drinks. Also, a jerk, but that’s another story. I know this is all my opinion but still I just worry that my friend will be in an ever crappier place after this all blows up and this guy’s wife moves back home and my friend has to live there. He’s barely separated with his wife and there is a good chance they’ll reconcile. I know the answer is to just stay out of it. But am I missing some other option? Reading this, I feel like I just need to shut up. I already told her I didn’t have a good feeling about this whole situation and she agrees but keeps doing what she’s doing. So am I right? Do I just stay out of it from now on?

   1. I know a few other people said to stay out of it but I would have a hard time doing that. I suppose it partially depends on just how close you are to your friend, but if this was one of my very close friends it sounds like this is bordering on intervention time. It’s one thing if she was just making destructive choices as a young, single woman, but she has kids now, and is obviously rebounding from the ex and thinking this neighbor man is more than he is. Yeah – I’m not sure how exactly to do so, you know her best, but I would find a way to talk to her about it and make sure she really gets it. And maybe she won’t, and maybe she’ll be angry, and worst case she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore (and please, weigh all of that in making your decision of whether to do this), but maybe she’ll snap out of it and realize she has to be strong and secure for her kids, and realize she can do better. I think I’d rather lose a friend knowing I did the best I could for her, then sit by and watch her make bad choices. Maybe that’s just me. And yes I’ve made that choice before with respect to friends with issues. I just can’t sit by and watch people self-destruct.

   2. While I would generally stay out of it, I might mention to her that if her “nasty, nasty soon to be ex” found out about this, he could definitely use it against her, especially in custody proceedings. If one of her kids wakes up and sees her with neighbor and then tells daddy that mommy is hanging out with the neighbor, daddy will probably tell his lawyer. And if there is a pendente lite order already in place, she might be violating it. In our area it’s standard in custody orders to prohibit any non-family guests of the opposite sex after 9 or 10 pm on weeknights and 11 or midnight on weekends.

      1. I have a different opinion. Be supportive of her. I am divorced with kid and went through a horrible last 2 years. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t ideal for a year and it was the only, best, helpful comfort I had during the worst time of my life. Friends and family lecturing you make it worse. Being held, talking, feeling sexy, etc. make it better. Who cares if it doesn’t last? So what if he drinks? If it makes her happy despite all the horrible things she is experiencing, tell her you are glad she has found some comfort. I knew in the back of my mind that guy wouldn’t be ‘the one’ but I will never regret the times we spent together. He helped with my screaming child when I was tired at 4am. He listened when I cried and vented. Friends aren’t there at 2 in the morning. A neighbor who might be more is. Honestly: you can’t imagine being in these situations until you are. You need to understand that she is under enormous pressure and stress. “Normal” conditions of “make smart choices” don’t apply. She is in a coping mode, making the best of a bad scenario. “Normal” for her is now exhaustion, stress, and high emotions. What’s good for her is finding ways to find moments of joy and stress relief. It’s better to hang out with this guy on the porch than to get drunk alone, overdose on sleeping meds, gamble or shop online, etc. THis is what people aren’t getting: when you are in a terrible patch, you need to palliative force to help you get through. Most of them aren’t ideal. Sure, yoga and meditation if you can be disciplined enough, and stuff like that, but when you are exhausted and lonely those aren’t enough. So: I say support her and be glad she has someone close to share the frustrations with. Even better: offer to come over and help at 5am sometime. That’d be a lot better than lecturing her or judging her choices. Yep, this is sensitive for me;) I basically stopped talking to anyone who offered judgy thoughts, as they made my crisis situation feel worse. You truly don’t know what these nightmares are like til you unexpectedly find yourself in them. I’m still struggling to find my way out of mine and it is H.A.R.D. Men being around, despite their flaws, help, whether you like it or not.

         1. +1

         2. I don’t deny that. And I’m sorry if it came off as judging, but as a lawyer, I have had these types of situations used against my clients in custody battles and I’ve used them against the opposing party so I was just trying to point out the potential legal ramifications. My husband filed for full custody of my stepdaughter because her mother left her husband (not my husband) in May and has had a series of unsavory boyfriends which is leading to my stepdaughter acting out and for the first time ever, getting into serious trouble at school. Her therapist told the GAL that she will testify that things are too unstable at mom’s house right now and that my stepdaughter is under a tremendous amount of stress. I understand that her mom needs support right now but we just can’t let that happen at my stepdaughter’s expense. If the OP’s friend’s kids aren’t exhibiting any ill effects, then no problem. But if they are, the OP’s friend should count on it being used against her.

4. I know this will get some heat, but I am going to ask anyway. Has anyone ever cheated on a significant other, and not ended up telling them about it?

   1. No, but if my husband cheated and it was just a one time purely s*x thing I’d rather not know. It can be his burden to carry. In that situation I think you tell the other person mostly to relieve yourself of the guilt. If there was more emotional connection/ongoing thing then yes I’d have to know.

      1. +1

      2. Yep. I have had this conversation with my husband. If it’s a one time thing that he totally regrets and could never do it again, don’t tell me because I don’t know if I’ll forgive you. (Although it’s funny to think back on that conversation now. I seriously have no idea how either of us could find the time to cheat these days).

   2. I cheated. I only told my spouse b/c I thought once he heard he would initiate a dvorce. I was too much of a coward to actually ask for a divorce in the first place. We ended up staying together and working through it.

      It will be 10 years this spring that I told him about the cheating. I will be perfectly honest – there are times I wish I had not told him. Instead I would have said that I was unhappy in the marriage and possibly wanted a separation. I don’t think that telling him really helped us work through our issues. I think it still affects our marriage to this day. Even though we get along and seem like a happy couple, I believe my husband still has anger and resentment (rightfully so) over what happened.

      I’m a believer in “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”. I wish I hadn’t given him this knowledge of what happened.

   3. Grey area. When I was younger I cheated but did tell my boyfriend (high school, whatever). More recently I broke up with a live-in boyfriend and hooked up with someone else before he completely moved out. We never got back together but did lady garden party together a few more times after I was with guy #2. I think I was with him those last times out of guilt, even though we were broken up. I never told him but I did feel guilty about it. I figured it would only hurt him. Though when he made me really angry and really dragged his feet about leaving, I really wanted to throw it at him and make him hate me. I obviously didn’t. I didn’t cheat on him, since we were broken up – but at times it felt like I did.

   4. Yes, but he found out anyways.

      1. How?

         1. He snooped on my computer and found the email I had sent to my sister about it. (This was pre-gmail/smartphones/checking email from anywhere).

   5. Yes, but not my current SO (my husband). As it turns out, I was actually incredibly unhappy and the cheating led to the inevitable breakup. I never told him that I cheated (more than once) but I did end things (when I did, now ex BF told me he had cheated on me. I let him have that “win” when we were ending things). I am so *not* the cheater type, but it is probably telling about my relationship then that (1) I cheated and (2) it didn’t eat me up inside.

      Now, a decade, a spouse, and a kid later, I would never in a million years dream of cheating on DH. Dude’s stuck with me.

      1. This is me as well. Cheated on ex just before we broke up with previous experience ddidn’t feel guilty, but then we broke up anyway so it was clearly not working. I’m still friends with him and never told him as it would have achieved nothing to spill.

   6. I had some college makeouts with another guy while with my boyfriend (now husband). Never told him. Never will. It was stupid and meant nothing.

      1. Absolutely not picking on you, but I don’t get it when people cheat (whatever your definition of cheating is) and say it “meant nothing.” How is that even possible? At the very least it means you were attracted enough to another person that you were willing to trample on your SO’s feelings- there’s always the possibility you will get caught. I get that the makeouts didn’t mean you wanted to break up with your boyfriend, or that there were necessarily any problems in your relationship, but did it really mean “nothing”?

         1. No, not picking on her at all with comments like this: “At the very least it means you were . . . willing to trample on your SO’s feelings.”

            STFU – you know exactly what she means. It means she didn’t love the person or have any desire to be with them beyond whatever stupid making out she engaged in. She didn’t think about them beyond the incident. Also, she was in college (aka between the ages of 18 and 21), so once again, STFU.

            1. I used her comments as an opportunity to comment on something I hear a lot- so no, I really wasn’t trying to pick on her. For some people “stupid making out” is actually something very intimate and does mean something, so I think it’s a cop-out to say it didn’t mean anything.

            2. Why is it a cop out if that’s how she felt? If you want someone to respect your feelings that “stupid making out” is actually something very intimate, then you should probably respect that for some people, it isn’t very intimate. Kissing really is a big deal to some people that it isn’t to others. Once I went home and complained to friends that a first date (my now DH) that went very well and obviously liked me, did not kiss me goodnight. One of my friends was horrified at the thought of kissing someone she had only been on one date with. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to, you know?

            3. But kissing is always a big deal if too people have agree des to be exclusive and agreed that kissing would be a big deal. Kissin of course can sometimes mean nothing – but cheating can never be nothing. Cheating is a deliberate act – you are saying this action means more than my partners feelings or my partners relationship. So it can never “mean nothing”

            4. “It meant nothing” is an expression. A turn of phrase. We all know what she intended to convey. You may not feel comfortable with the idea of having a “meaningless” make-out session, but that does not mean others can’t do it.

               Sounds like shaming to me.

            5. You’d have to be a socio path to cheat and feel nothing (guilt excitement, happiness relief shame). How is it shaming to disprove of cheating? That’s absurd to me. Cheating is wrong. I’m not saying I’ve never done anything wrong but surely I can have the opinion that it’s wrong to cheat on your s.o. I realize it meant nothing is a turn I phrase – what people are saying is it isn’t true. It meant something- that you wanted to hurt your spouse or valued something else more etc. it’s silly when people say “it meant nothing” or it just happened. That being said, I think there is a big difference between cheating when you are 21 and drunk and cheating on your spouse.

         2. I think it means nothing in terms of real feelings etc. I once kissed an old boyfriend while I was in a 2+ year relationship and while the kiss meant nothing emotionally (there was lots of alcohol involved unfortunately and a physical attraction that never really went away) I still felt awful about betraying my current boyfriend

            1. whoops probably should have gone anon for that one but I was 21 and stupid at that point.

         3. I don’t think when people say “meant nothing” they mean it wasn’t a big deal. It means that the person who cheated realized they were in fact not attracted to/interested in/wanting to cheat with the person they cheated with. i.e., the person they cheated with meant nothing to them. I think you’re confusing the motivation for cheating with the results of the cheating.

            1. OP and yes, this is what I meant by that. In fact there was nothing wrong in my relationship, it just happened, and it confirmed I wanted to be with my boyfriend (now husband).

            2. I totally get that motivations are different than the results of the cheating. But I also don’t get statements like “it just happened” or that the person they cheated with meant nothing to them. If the person you’re cheating with means nothing to you, then why risk your current (ostensibly happy) relationship? If alcohol is involved I think that changes things, but I guess I’m confused about the motivation part of it. I think it does say something about your relationship if you have the desire to cheat.

            3. yes, LOTS of alcohol was involved.

               I’m not sure why out of all the posts on here I’m getting picked on.

            4. I don’t think “the maker-outer” ever had the desire to cheat. That’s the difference to me in this type of situation. It doesn’t make it right, but a drunken make out which didn’t mean anything generally doesn’t start with a desire to cheat on your SO.

            5. I mean.. of course she had the desire to cheat that’s a weird thing to say. People dont just get drunk and make out

            6. Uh. Yes. People do.

            7. No.. they do not. Only people who want to cheat do. Your morals don’t fly out the window just because you are drunk. Only people who want to cheat, cheat. It looses inhibitions but you cheat because you want to.

            8. Oh – I’ve never cheated. But I can speak to the fact that people do in fact make out while drunk.

   7. I kissed someone else while married to my now ex-H. The guilt ate me alive and I divorced my ex-H rather than tell him. I (thought I) knew he would never trust me again (best case), and worst case he might hurt me.

      Now I wish I had come clean.

      1. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I do not mean any criticism by this, but I was surprised to read your post. Kissing someone else strikes me as not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Yes, it’s bad, but there are worse things.

      2. I agree that it’s better to come clean than to divorce someone rather than disclose the situation but I have to say that if you’re worried someone may physically hurt you, maybe divorce is a good idea in general.

         1. agree

         2. +1
            I feel bad for you….

   8. I cheated on my ex with his best friend. Never told him, relationship ended soon after for unrelated reasons. I felt more guilty about not feeling guilty than the actual cheating part.

      1. You are not anon just fyi.

         1. *facepalm*

            ah well, worse things to anon fail.

   9. I cheated on my now-husband before we got engaged. It was vaguely deliberate because I was not excited to marry him and knew that’s where the relationship was headed. I never told him, but instead came back and tried to break up with him for the reasons that led to the cheating. He talked me out of breaking up with him, we talked through my issues and stayed together, we got engaged about a year after that, and we’ve now been married for five years. I’ve still never told him. Usually I don’t think about it anymore, but when I do, I am 100% confident I’ve made the right decision to never tell him.

   10. Yes, in college while dating an ex. It was more than a kiss but less than $ex. It was very early in our relationship but we had had “the talk.” In retrospect, I wasn’t that into my boyfriend and probably should have broken up with him but I stayed with him for 2 more years, never cheated again. I didn’t want to marry him for many reasons, but even if I had wanted to, I don’t think I would have felt right marrying him and keeping this secret.

5. About a month ago I posted about losing my sense of taste. I am now scheduled to go in for a CT scan to check for any sinus issues that might be causing the problem. I’ve never had a procedure like this done before. There is no prep required, but is there anything specific I should expect?

   1. You have to stay very, very still. Sometimes, the urge to fidget will be overwhelming. Just try to remain calm. It’s a quick and painless event. Oh and you’ll have to remove all jewelry. Maybe even undress from the waist up. So don’t wear anything nice/complicated.

      1. Thanks! It’s scheduled for early Saturday morning, so maybe I’ll still be sleepy enough to stay still.

         1. I had one and got surprisingly claustrophobic- normally not an issue for me. I recommend closing your eyes before going in and keeping them shut! if you do open them, pick a focal point.

            1. This. Just keep your eyes closed the whole time.

            2. Agree. And focus on your breathing. If you start to feel nervous sing to yourself.

      2. Interesting. I don’t remember having to undress. I think I just took off my jewelry.

   2. I had one about a month ago. No big deal. It only took a few minutes. There was no prep.

   3. Your post just reminded me that I had one last summer and I can’t remember anything much about it, except the waiting before and after to find out if I had a serious health problem. If that tells you anything about the procedure itself . . .

   4. It was very, very boring. They gave me headphone and the option to listen to music or just to drown out the noise. I opted for no music and really, the sound of the machine reminded me of some bland techno music. Since I had to lay there still for the whole thing, the challenge was to stay awake.

      It was a forced break and actually a very good thing.

      I also had the loss of taste thing in 2011, but I was also having the sinuses from h*ll with my allergies and the flu at once. Once all that cleared up, I got my sense of taste back. (Ironically, another person in my building also lost their sense of taste around the same time, hence the flu theory.)

6. To followup on all the personal finance questions this week — assume savings means 401k/403b/457 + match, investments, and savings/emergency fund . . .

   1. How much did you save in 2013?
   2. Salary in 2013?
   3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?

   1. What are your savings goals for 2014?
   2. Salary in 2014?
   3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?

   1. 1. $2500 – I just started working in August
      2. $75k
      3. Single

      1. Stick with the $575/month into savings. $500 to long-term emergency fund, $75 to short term savings for a wedding I’m in plus gifts
      2. I get a salary bump in July – not sure how much so still $75k for now
      3. Single

      1. I also plan on starting YNAB this weekend so hopefully this will all change based on that!

         1. Good luck with it! I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

   2. 2013:
      1. $5500 Roth IRA + $8,000ish to emergency fund
      2. Around $85k
      3. Single but living together so my living expenses were lower

      2014:
      1. $5500 to something for retirement + $5000 for wedding
      2. No idea. Guessing between $75-115k.
      3. Getting married at some point this year but these numbers are just for me.

   3. 1. $28k in savings acct+ ~$10k in retirement acct
      2. $70k + ~$10k bonus
      3. Single.

      1. Up my weekly savings transfers by about $50 and bump my retirement contribution up a percent.
      2. My salary is up for review in July. Probably a 5-8% increase.
      3. Single.

      1. Wow, how are you saving almost $30k on a $70k salary?

         1. I’m interested how you saved so much as well! Impressive.

         2. I started the year with about $1k in savings, so I was prioritizing building an emergency fund plus setting aside some funds to start investing over the next year.

            I direct deposit 25% of my paycheck immediately into savings. I then transfer whatever is left in my checking account beyond a buffer (to avoid overdraft fees) at the end of each month. I also transferred my entire post-tax bonus into savings.

            I’m lucky that I have minimal debt (I pay about $125/mo towards student loans) and my biggest monthly expense is rent (I have two roommates to keep that pretty low). My job subsidizes my gym membership, so that saves me $70 a month too. I think most of my savings come from cooking a lot (my monthly food budget is $150, and I’ve never gone over that), bringing my lunch every day, not owning a car and walking/taking the subway everywhere, setting a strict shopping and beauty budget (and with a business casual office, I don’t spend a lot on dry cleaning), only drinking coffee at work, minimizing the number of drinks when I’m out with friends, and borrowing books from the library. I also didn’t take a big vacation last year to prioritize saving.

            A lot of these things came as suggestions from this site. So many thanks to the frugal r 3 tt 3 s!

            1. Wow. I’m at $60k, have no debt and reasonable rent. I saved a tiny fraction of what you did. I need to get my ass in gear.

            2. +1, I have minimal debt as well and my apartment building has a gym. I also cook a lot and bring my lunch everyday but my monthly food budget is around $500 (I shop at Whole Foods and buying organic is something I’m not willing to give up, although I do shop at the farmers market when its open).

            3. Can you share your grocery tactics? I budget $350 and would love ideas on how to do better.

            4. $150 a month in groceries! I really need to get my tail in gear. My SO and I spend about $400 a month in groceries and still eat out several times a week.

            5. Grocery wise, I try to buy as few pre-made items as possible (to cut the “convenience cost” associated with pre-sliced veggies, etc.). I also only eat meat a few times a week. I tend to base my menu around what’s on sale (this week peppers were 3/$2). If something’s an exceptionally good deal, I’ll buy it and freeze it. I try not to waste any food, by only buying what I think I will use (so I hardly ever end up throwing away expired food). I use a slow cooker a lot to make soups, etc. for lunches. I don’t buy a lot of snack foods, desserts, drinks, or alcohol for home anymore, and that easily saves me $20+ a week.

               Since I’m only cooking for one and don’t mind eating leftovers multiple times a week (or say, having an omelet with veggies and cheese for dinner because I need to use up eggs), I think it’s a little easier to cut costs this way. If I had a family (or was cooking with someone who wanted more variety or preferred more meat), I think it would be a lot harder to maintain this.

            6. that grocery budget is amazing! I thought that the person that commented yesterday that they spend over $1k a month for food for two people was crazy high, but I checked Mint last night and we were at $1500 for December. Granted that is eating out, and grocery shopping for hosting 5 extra people for a week for Christmas, but still I was shocked.

            7. Sounds like developing my cooking skills would be helpful here…

   4. 2013:
      1. 12K retirement, 5K to longterm savings
      2. 106K
      3. Single (live with SO, separate finances)

      2014:
      1. 22.5K retirement, 10K to longterm savings
      2. 132K
      3. No changes

      1. Just saw the fact that #1 was supposed to include match. Revised as follows:

         2013:
         1. 16.5K retirement, 5K to longterm savings
         2. 106K
         3. Single (live with SO, separate finances)

         2014:
         1. 28K retirement, 10K to longterm savings
         2. 132K
         3. No changes

   5. To followup on all the personal finance questions this week — assume savings means 401k/403b/457 + match, investments, and savings/emergency fund . . .

      1. How much did you save in 2013? $60k
      2. Salary in 2013? tricky, but something like 120-140k combined
      3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? combined

      1. What are your savings goals for 2014? $100k
      2. Salary in 2014? 225k
      3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? combined

      (we now pay almost $2k/month for daycare, an expense we did not have last year!)

      1. that savings goal includes the $250/mo we’re setting aside for this cute little baby’s college

      2. Yay! Open thread’s! I love open threads! And this clutch is cute, but NOT very practiceal for me.

         As for the OP, I do NOT think that if you are not dateing seriously (or even PRE-engaged in college) that it is cheateing if you kiss or make out with another guy. After all, you are NOT, at that point comitted, even if later you do wind up marrying him. It is great if you later MARRY him, but you should NOT tell what you were doeing long before hand b/c it will only cause troubel. FOOEY!

         Now after you are out of college and you are seriously dateing (and haveing sex, even if not full sex), then if your guy start’s fooleing around with another woman, it is bad new’s and you should dump him. Also, if you should later marry him, you will first have to determine where and with who he has been (mentally, as well as physically). That is why I will insist on a full STD test before I ever go to bed with a new guy, b/c who knows where his winkie has been. DOUBEL FOOEY if he want’s me to do anything with a diseased winkie.

         This weekend, I have to get all of my paper’s together so that dad can do my tax return’s with the accountant. I do NOT think I have many paper’s b/c dad get’s them, but dad wants me to talk with the coop about some tax form. I forget the form # but dad will email it to me. There is something about a tax abatement that I get, but that is bookepping stuff, not that I really care b/c dad is handeling it.

         Jim came out of the wood work with some cases. Haven’t heard from him in along time. YAY b/c the manageing partner said I will get 20% of the profit’s on each NEW case I bring in. Dad said he put that in the agreement, but I do NOT have time to read that agreement. Dad said he does so much for me that I really won’t have to find a guy to suport me as long as I work here. But I need a guy to MARRY me so that I can have kid’s who Grandma Leyeh will be able to make latkey’s for. YAY!!!

   6. For context, I’m 25 and in my first job out of college.

      1. How much did you save in 2013? – maxed out ROTH IRA, about 8K in high-yield savings
      2. Salary in 2013? $43,000 + $2,500 bonus + about $5,000 in overtime (so about $50,000)
      3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? Single (I live with my boyfriend and share a joint checking account)

      1. What are your savings goals for 2014? Max out ROTH IRA again and contribute to 401K enough to get the match
      2. Salary in 2014? $43,000 with potential raise in March
      3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? Single

      1. That’s really impressive for that income. I make about the same, but didn’t save nearly as much. Can I ask what your other bills are? I live in a high COL area and feel like that’s a nearly impossible savings rate for me.

         1. I live in a pretty HCOL area, but in a tiny apartment where the rent is still “reasonable.” For bills I pay alone, I have a monthly subway pass, my cell phone bill, a small student loan I pay back to my parents, $10/month for the gym, and that’s about it. I split gas and electric with my boyfriend. We also spend a lot on groceries at Whole Foods. I think the only reason I’ve been able to save this much is because I didn’t spend much on clothes. I alternate three pairs of shoes at work, re-wear items frequently (as laundry allows), buy my bags at Marshall’s, etc. I also don’t wear make-up or use hair products. The downside is that I realllllyyyyy push the boundaries of acceptable workwear sometimes.

            1. Ha! That would be where we differ. If I severely cut clothing and beauty spending I’d probably have a lot more savings. Kudos to you!

            2. In some ways it’s worth it because I’m naturally more anxious about savings and I will have some potentially large family-related expenses in the future, but I’d also like to look a little more put-together at the office. I anticipate spending more on my hair this year because I’m going to start going to a salon that will cost about $45 for a haircut (as opposed to $20 at Supercuts). It’s always a work in progress…

            3. This is making me realize how much I need to slash my clothing spending. help :(

            4. $10 for the gym?? Wow. Local gyms around my area are like $80/mo!

   7. 1. How much did you save in 2013?
      Maxed out 401ks, maxed out 529 contributions for future child, otherwise saved about $60,000
      2. Salary in 2013?
      $370,000, incl. bonuses (pretax)
      3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?
      Combined w/ spouse – I ‘m about 2/3 of the total.

      1. What are your savings goals for 2014?
      Make savings work better for us — smarter investments. Freeze spending so savings automatically increase.
      2. Salary in 2014?
      $400,000, inc. bonus (pretax)
      3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?
      Combined w/ spouse

   8. save in 2013: $2600 (+ max out retirement contribution)

      salary in 2013: $45k (Lub the gubment!) FWIW, I’m 33, in my 6th year in this position, and 11 years out of college. I’m not a lawyer.

      single/combined: single (though married)

      Save in 2014: the same + increase contributions to 529s, open gubment-equivalent of a Roth/401K (I have never had one–none of my former employers offered one, and once I got this job, my retirement was paid for by the employer into the state system)

      salary in 2014: Waiting on HR. My job is to be reclassified based on my doing WAY more than my original job description. Organization underwent an organization-wide job-description survey, and now is to be coupled with salary survey with a consultant. I did my research and put together a comparison chart for my boss to meet with the consultant. I might know something in a month or so after she meets with the consultant, but I’m going to shoot for as high as they’ll let me.

   9. 1. Saved about $42,000 in tax-deferred retirement savings in 2013. Normally I save quite a bit in after-tax savings but 2013 was the year I dipped into my emergency funds for expenses related to leavin my husband, setting up the Bachelorette Pad, and the divorce proceedings.

      2. Salary just under $200,000.

      3. Single. We split the finances in early March.

      2014:

      1. 2014 will probably be about the same as far as retirement savings. There will be large cash expenditures when the divorce is settled or tried so I fear the non-retirement savings will take a further hit. In fact, some of the retirement savings may be cashed in before the dust settles.

      2. Salary to stay about the same.

      3. I hope and pray I will be officially divorced in 2014.

      And may I just say that I am so, so grateful for all those years of disciplined saving… the emergency fund was there when the everything hit the fan and I really needed it!

   10. Some of these savings rates are so high! It seems like a few posters are saving at least half their income, and I have no idea how.

       Are the salaries before or after taxes? Taxes in Canada are higher. Even in my low tax province, the highest narginal rate is ~40%, which kicks in around $130k of income. My average tax rate personally is somewhere around 25/30%. Plus 5% tax on many things (though not groceries usually). If I lived in Quebec, the highest marginal rate is, I think, close to 50%, and the sales tax is almost 15%.

       Do those high-saving posters also have no student debt, and live somewhere with a relatively low cost of living? I ran my numbers, and if I went *very* bare bones, the most I could do would be around 1/3 of my pre-tax salary.

       1. I don’t think I’m one of the super-high savers you’re referring to, but I will share my info:

          Salary was before tax, and exclusive of bonus and non-cash compensation (stock). I’m in the US and my state does have state income tax. I have around 100K left in student loans, and I live in a large US city (but not NYC/SF/similar w/r/t COL).

       2. Hah! I totally have the same reaction. I think I’m doing well to make my monthly RRSP contribution (which by no means reaches my limit) and then I see these numbers. I know I could cut back in a few areas, but still..

          1. Don’t fret – remember selection bias! (Like everyone seems to wear a cute outfit on the days those lists are generated…)

             1. Also, remember that there is no verification. I love my ‘r3tt3s, but there could be some exaggeration.

             2. There’s definitely selection bias. I had a weird year – I was unemployed for part of it – so my savings are negative and I’ll be spending the next year digging out of the hole. I’m not posting my numbers. I achieved other things in 2013 – like got a new job – but saving money was not a highlight.

             3. Right. I didn’t respond because, although I normally save, I spent $4K unexpectedly on vet bills this year and another $1K on inheritance tax. But I have a happy, healthy little kitty and my finances are rebounding.

             4. Yeah, there is definitely selection bias. I didn’t post because my answers are $35K for salary and $0 for everything else…. ;o\

       3. I’m planning to buy a house this year and looking at places with basement rental units, so I just figured out my highest marginal rate is 41% (a need to know since the rental income is taxed as additional income). Although it sounds like Canada’s rate can be higher, I wonder if the biggest difference is when the increased marginal rate’s kick in.

          And I second the selection bias of these numbers. I know I save significantly more than many of my friends at work, which I find particular surprising since I’m the only single one — if I was splitting my rent with a SO, I would be saving even more.

       4. If these salary numbers are pre tax, some of the people who posted are saving much more than half of their take home pay. It seems like some of the posters here are able to live off of $15k- $20k per year (if the salary numbers listed are pre tax and the savings amounts are post tax). That is $1666 per month. Which is great to be able to do, but for someone who lives in a medium sized city and has to have a car, as well as someone who is single and covering all of her bills on her own, including a mortgage, it is just not possible. It makes me wish my situation were different! I would love to be able to spend only $1666/month and save the rest.

   11. 1. How much did you save in 2013? $82K (regular savings and my 401K, my husband hasn’t started contributing yet)
       2. Salary in 2013? 348K (pre tax)
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? combined

       1. What are your savings goals for 2014? Haven’t thought about this yet – should get on it with husband ASAP!
       2. Salary in 2014? 350K (pre tax but not including bonuses)
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? combined

   12. . How much did you save in 2013?
       Maxed out 401ks and profit sharing for a total of about $90k, about $15k in other savings investments and otherwise saved about $75k
       2. Salary in 2013?
       $700,000, incl. bonuses (pretax; taxes eat about $250K+)
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?
       Combined w/ spouse

       1. What are your savings goals for 2014?
       more straight savings, as we bought a new house this year and had tons of extra, one-time expenses.
       2. Salary in 2014?
       probably about the same
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?
       Combined w/ spouse

       1. We had a very similar situation as you, anon atty (same salary, lots of one time expenses as bought first apt and paid for wedding in 2013):

          1. How much did you save in 2013? ~$260k (incl. generous company 401(k) match). This does not include the significant savings we spent on our wedding, honeymoon, and closing costs since we saved for them beforehand. We would still end up in the black if those costs are subtracted, but less so.
          2. Salary in 2013? $700k base plus bonus comp (mostly bonus), not including deferred comp. Federal/state/city income taxes took ~$300k of this.
          3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? Combined. Income split is him ~55%, me ~45%.

          1. What are your savings goals for 2014? Generally aim for ~1/3 of gross. I am planning to leave my current job and expect to take a considerable pay cut (in exchange for better quality of life). However, spending on the apartment should be much lower than 2013.
          2. Salary in 2014? Could be anywhere from $500k to maybe $800k (as long as no job losses). DH got a raise and we have some deferred comp vesting, but I don’t know what my next career move will bring.
          3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? Still combined.

   13. 1. How much did you save in 2013? Approximately $30,000?
       2. Salary in 2013? Combined with husband, approximately $225,000.

       1. What are your savings goals for 2014? We are working very hard on getting debt paid off, so that’s a higher-priority goal (aside from retirement).
       2. Salary in 2014? Combined with husband, still approximately $225,000 (I’ll be making around $10K more–roughly $170K, but hubby is going down a little).

   14. 1. $100k in house fund (we have it in stocks, so this includes appreciation), $20k in retirement, $8k in 529
       2. Combined w/spouse, about $265k
       3. I’d like to save $150k in the house fund and keep all other saving constant
       4. I’ll make about $45k more this year. Spouse’s salary may increase by a similar amount mid-year.

   15. Saved about 45,000 this year, but paid an extra 20,000 in payments on my student loans
       Salary in 2013? $203,000
       Single

       savings goals is money for a house down-payment
       Salary is $210,000 + estamated $30,000 in bonus
       Single

   16. I’ll be honest just for the sake of representing lots of different situations.

       1. $2,o0o
       2. ~$70k
       3. Single earner for family of four.

       Increasing retirement savings is at the top of my goals for 2014. Salary/living conditions will remain the same.

   17. 1. How much did you save in 2013?

       Overall, maybe $6000, but I took the bar and moved house and ended up spending a fair chunk of that, plus I’ve been prioritising paying down law school loans.

       2. Salary in 2013?
       $116k+17k bonus

       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?

       Single.

       1. What are your savings goals for 2014?

       A lot more! I’ve refinanced my loans so the monthly payments have gone down a lot so my aim at the early part of the year in particular is to build up more savings and then when I have a bit more of a buffer, overpay the loans.

       2. Salary in 2014?

       Not yet known as salary review is only in Feb, but hoping for it to go above 120 with around the same bonus.

       . Single or combined with partner/spouse?

       Single.

   18. 1. How much did you save in 2013? $8K to 401(k) (should have maxed out, I know, I have it set up to max out for 2014); $15K in other savings, so total of $23K
       2. Salary in 2013? $205K (inc. bonus)
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? Single

       1. What are your savings goals for 2014? SAVE MORE. The reason my savings weren’t higher last year is that I put everything I could towards student loans, and got my balance down from $150K to $115K. I did this because some of my debt was at 8%. Now all my remaining student loan debt is at 5% or below (and some is at 2%), so I plan to max out my retirement accounts and put all extra $$ beyond that in a mutual fund for future downpayment/etc (I already have 6 months living expenses in an emergency fund) instead of towards extra payments on student loans, and only pay the minimum on loans. (Thoughts on this strategy?)
       2. Salary in 2014? $210K base, expecting $27K bonus
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse? Single

       1. That is exactly my though on paying debt vs. saving. If your interest rate is low, then it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to pay it off. Saving is more important, IMO.

          I actually recently heard a Marketplace Money program on NPR where people call in an ask about their situation, a la Suze Orman’s show. An older woman was talking about paying off her mortgage before retirement, with extra payments. The adviser asked what her interest rate was. She said the prevailing wisdom decades ago was that you should go into retirement with a paid-off house. But that was back when mortgage rates were like 17-18%. Now, if you have 5% or below, there’s not a lot of point in paying it off early. So if the more senior lady was skimping on vacations or seeing grandkids in order to pay off her (relatively cheap) mortgage, it’s ok to go on those vacations instead of making extra mortgage payments. I thought that was good advice, and I had never heard it before.

          1. Interesting you should mention this. I decided a while ago that I’d rather go on those vacations now, while I’m healthy and active, than put all my money into the mortgage and hope I’m still healthy and active when it’s paid off.

             Of course, now with the divorce it’s probably a moot point (probably gonna have a huge mortgage in any scenario), but it’s nice to hear some random advisor on NPR agrees with me that it’s okay to have a mortgage after retirement.

   19. 1. How much did you save in 2013?
       Negative savings. I bought a house and did some renovations before moving in, so I actually spent down some savings (savings that had been set aside for that purpose, but still). My mother contributed the maximum to my Roth IRA from funds she inherited from my grandmother. I contributed nothing to my IRA or any other accounts. Work doesn’t offer anything, so no matching to lose.
       2. Salary in 2013?
       $60,000
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?
       single

       1. What are your savings goals for 2014?
       $7500 to open 2 new funds (one index fund, one target retirement date fund), and then set up regular transfers to those funds and/or my existing Roth IRA.
       2. Salary in 2014?
       $60,000, plus rental income of $12,000
       3. Single or combined with partner/spouse?
       single

       1. Actually, I received some rental income in 2013, but not the full year’s worth.

   20. Saved $35k for the purchase of a house (closed in November), approx $8k in retirement savings plus not counting defined benefit pension plan.

       Salary- joint $53k individual, $110k household

       Married

       Goal- save $12k towards retirement and pay aggressively off student loans…. We have $40k in loans between my husband and I and our car is paid off as of March so all that goes to pay them off ASAP.

       Salary- $53k individual, $150k household… My husband’s salary is based on how many months he works in a given year (job involves international travel). His contract is for 6 months out of every 12 but broken up into 3-5 month spurts…

       Married

   21. Anyone have any tips on how to cut down on clothing spending? I’m a bit worried – I looked at how much I spend on clothing this past year vs. my salary, and it scared me a bit. Admittedly, I work in an overly fashionable industry, and this past year was my first year of work post-graduate school, but I’m still a bit concerned. Do clothing expenses decrease significantly after the first year of work & building a wardrobe? Or do y’all find it necessary to continue to spend similar amounts to keep up?

       1. I’m the anon who posted about not spending much on clothing/rotating three pairs of shoes. My strategy won’t work for everyone because I a) don’t like the act of shopping, b) don’t care about being part of the latest trends, and c) don’t care about repeating outfits within reason, but I’ve found that I can save money on classic pieces by being smart about what I do buy. I only shop to fill holes in my wardrobe – for example, in 2013, I had to buy an interview suit and a dress for one wedding. I had a style in mind for a dress that I knew would be flattering on me, so I hunted around for any store that might have it. I saw one I liked at JCrew, but then looked on eBay and found it for $100 cheaper. Then, I ended up going to two more weddings (in different crowds) and wore the same exact dress. I’ll wear it again to a wedding in 2014. For the suit, I also bought one in a classic style on eBay, but since the fit wasn’t perfect, I returned it and waited until I could use 40% off coupons at Ann Taylor, which I knew would likely work for me based on comments from thissite.

          Basically, my approach boils down to only buying what you need (and not what’s in fashion – I’ve never owned booties, for example), buying on sale or on eBay as necessary, and not being afraid to reuse items. I return EVERYTHING that doesn’t fit exactly right or that can’t have a minor tailoring alteration done. I avoid paying for shipping as much as possible and I also avoid shopping in person because I know I’ll end up seeing items I didn’t go to the mall for in the first place. My goal for work is to not repeat tops in one week – I’ll re-wear pants, but I’d like to go the full week without repeating a cardigan or blouse. Again, others require more variety than I do, but I’m leaning more towards a work “uniform” for myself – as long as I look professional, classy, and like I can get stuff done, that’s all I care about.

          All in all, Mint says I spent $1759 on clothing, but I would estimate it to be closer to $1,200 based on returns I made. That total figure also includes clothing gifts for others and the two big purchases (suit and dress) I wouldn’t normally need.

          Hope this novel is helpful! Haha

       2. Yes, shop consignment.

       3. The very best way to cut down on any kind of shopping is to stay out of the stores. If you don’t see it, you can’t buy it. That means unsubscribing from all the shopping emails and staying off the shopping web sites, too, of course.

       4. I did find that I shop less now that I’m 5+ years into my legal career. But I also have more financial obligations. The first few years, I didn’t know really what to do with all the money I was making.

7. I just came back from maternity leave at my company (anonymous because this post will out my company quickly if you work here!). Company adopted an “unlimited PTO” policy for 2013, and when I asked about maternity leave, the policy was that I got 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA per federal law, and should/could use company-provided STD for the first 6 weeks. STD policy has a 1 week waiting period then pays 66.6% of your salary. The remainder of the 12 weeks, I was told, could be taken as PTO since we have an “unlimited” policy as long as the head of your business unit approved. Plus, the company paid me PTO for the 1-week “gap” before STD kicked in.

   My maternity leave was 12 weeks- 5 paid out at 66%, 7 paid out in full. I came back after the new year and was literally telling DH how much I appreciated the leave policy, and how it would be hard to leave for another company given we’ll probably have another baby in the next 2-3 years (note that I wouldn’t stick around *just* for the leave….but it’s nice to know you won’t take a big income hit).

   The words weren’t out of my mouth a WEEK and a company-wide memo just went out. New maternity policy is that we have “unlimited PTO” but only 4 weeks can be used for maternity leave. So if I had been out under the new policy, I’d have gotten 4 weeks paid in full, 5 weeks paid at 66%, and the option for 3 additional weeks unpaid. On my salary, that’s a difference of about $6k.

   Yes, $6k isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things for me– but really, it isn’t for the company, either. Not to mention that they re-did our insurance policies and they are EVEN CRAPPIER than last year. It just really gets in my craw that the one last decent benefit the company had is gone.

   And to make it even more obnoxious, the maternity leave policy BEFORE the unlimited PTO was STD adn then you could use vacation/sick time (which rolled over annually). So if you planned right, you could have enough vacation/sick time to take a fully paid leave. Since I got 4 weeks vacation/year, plus a boatload of sick time, I’d have been able to take a fully paid leave with time to spare. Except now, there is no way to take 12 weeks without taking 3 of them unpaid. Yuck.

   1. I think what you are describing is pretty par for the course. My company would do something similar: STD followed by paid vacation followed by unpaid leave. We can only roll over 5 weeks of vacation, so any maternity time I took after STD and my 5 weeks of vacation would be unpaid. AND, I would have to wipe out all accumulated vacation time! I’m not aware of too many places that would pay a 12 week maternity leave in full, and not touch your vacation. I know how you feel but you were lucky to get what you got!

      1. I agree. My guess is that the company changed it because when they put the unlimited policy in place, they didn’t consider (stupidly, of course) that it would apply to people taking long-term leaves as well. Now that they realized it, they rolled it back, but it still sounds pretty generous to me.

         Not very many places are willing to pay you 100% of your pay for any period of time beyond normal vacations and sick days that you’re not working at all. I thought from the way the post started that you were going to say that they were trying to take back what they’d paid you or something like that.

   2. If you are in the US your policy still sounds better than what a lot of people receive. I have (theoretically) unlimited PTO, but only 3 weeks can be used for maternity leave (in addition to STD, state disability benefits and sick time).

   3. I think that’s dumb. So you get unlimited PTO to sail in the Caribbean but it’s unpaid only if you’re using it to give birth? That sucks.

      1. Yeah, if wildkitten’s interpretation is correct, that seems pretty stupid. I’d get pregnant, “book a long vacation” for 6-7 months in the future (corresponding with my due date), and then announce my pregnancy. What a silly policy.

      2. Yeah, but I would think that if you’re going to sail the Caribbean for more than 4 weeks, someone would have a problem with paying you full salary the whole time.

      3. When they say “unlimited PTO” I’m pretty sure no one is taking 6 weeks for vacation, it’s always subject to your supervisor’s discretion and I can’t imagine that one getting approved. Unlimited really just means we expect you to be reasonable and don’t want to expend the resources to track it (or have to pay out your accrued vacation when you leave). Also, to the poster below, maternity leave is covered under most companies’ disability policies, so I doubt they are allowing unlimted PTO to be taken for other medical absences either. Finally, unless you specifically negotiated a certain amount of accruable PTO as part of your offer I think this falls under the category of group benefits that employers are generally free to change. I would think it would be strange if a company that moved from a specified accrued PTO to an unlimited policy only did so for new hires and kept the existing employees on whatever PTO scheme was in place when they were hired.

         1. yeah, if you want more than 2 weeks straight there is a more formal approval process.

   4. While I agree that it is better than what many get, that’s not really a fair comparison. If the leave situation when you accepted the job was 4 weeks PTO + sick leave that doesn’t expire or have other restrictions, then they have effectively decreased your compensation if you cannot take more than 4 weeks PTO for mat leave now.

      It sort of sounds to me like the company realized they had a generous PTO scheme and decided to go “unlimited” so that employees wouldn’t really feel entitled to take as much PTO anymore. I know I would be uncomfortable taking PTO if I wasn’t given any guidelines and might err on the side of not taking it so as to establish a solid work ethic, especially if I were a newer employee, whereas if I am given X weeks of PTO, I know that is part of my compensation and I can take that much time off.

   5. My first thought was – “Is this legal?” If they have unlimited PTO for back surgery or prostate surgery, I think it’s illegial to apply separate standards for something that only applies to women.

      1. I actually emailed HR about this- if it is 4 weekks of FMLA, then a dad could use FMLA for paternity leave.

         it’s also $hitty because while it worked out great for me, this is an “effective 1/1” policy- so what about those that are/were planning Q1 leave? I also have someone on my team (a direct report) due in May and I’m sure she’s livid. Especially because she and i just finished talking about mat leave works and i was complimenting the company’s policy. yuck/

         1. Yeah. Sounds like your company just screwed you.

            Unfortunately, this happens.

            “Screw loyalty” is pretty much right.

8. I purchased an awesome dress from 6pm. It ripped down the arm sleeve the first day I wore it. Customer service will accept the return, but they can’t replace it. If I want to keep it, they won’t do a partial refund/credit. I love the dress, but this seems ridiculous. Thoughts? Would you return it? Keep it? Try a different customer service rep?

   1. doesn’t hurt to try another customer service rep – I had to go through 4 the other day for Target for ridiculous incompetence, but once I got to the right person, I got everything I wanted/needed. Also – how much was the dress? Was everything else perfect? Can you try the brand itself instead of the website (aka if it is a Michael Kors dress, go to a MK store?) Can it be fixed inexpensively? Do you think it goes to overall craftsmanship or was this a freak tear? Ultimately – how much is it worth to YOU. Only you can answer that!

      1. On a side note…
         Target customer service is the worst! I have never experienced such incompetence. Seriously, the people they hire to answer the phone must have no training or resources at all.

   2. Well – they would be taking you at your word that it was damaged. I think it’s perfectly reasonably to say they’ll refund your money in exchange for the returned dress, but not do a partial refund.

      Would you expect a TJ Maxx or Nordstrom Rack to do a partial refund for an object you purchased and wanted to keep?

      1. I actually sent them a photograph of the damage because I was concerned about this issue. But, in response to your questions, I would expect any company to give me some sort of credit for an item that was defective. Ordinarily, I would just ask for the full refund, and I may do that, but it’s a real bummer because I looked for this dress for months, and I can find it anywhere in my size.

         1. Yes, I see the typos. Gah. I *can’t* find it anywhere in my size.

         2. Eh – I think there’s a different standard for something you get on discount – which presumably did, if you got it through 6pm. In exchange for the discount you take it as is – which is Nordstrom Rack’s policy, by the way.

            If you love it – get it repaired. If you don’t want to, send it back.

         3. Really? I’ve never heard of expecting to keep something and get a refund.

            1. I’ve done this at Banana, but hte circumstances were different. I purchased an apparently returned vest that was no longer in stock in store. When I took it home, I realized someone had worn it extensively without a good deodorant. I went back to the store and told them I wanted to replace it, but since it was no longer available, I asked for an additional discount. It was only 15%, but still.

      2. Yeah idk I’d never expect to get a partial refund if I wanted to keep the item. If I were you, you should take it or return the dress

   3. I had this issue with Nordstrom before. In one instance, I kept the dress because the damage was very difficult to notice and I really liked the dress. In another instance, I returned it because I did not want to deal with trying to get the dress mended and maybe having it not come out right (although I ended up getting a replacement from Nordstrom after I already decided to just return it because they got my size in stock again/someone else returned).

      With the damage you are describing, I probably would not keep it. Is it available anywhere else? Maybe put some kind of alert for it if it’s not available anywhere now (I don’t know how to do that, but I’m sure it’s a thing!)?

9. So after getting out of a terrible relationship this summer – thank you for all here who supported me and provided advice during that time – I recently met a new and wonderful, wonderful man. He is more than I ever could have imagined. It’s still early, and I wasn’t single for that long in the grand scheme of things, but I’m wondering to all those who started relationships in their late 20s/early 30s (aka not a college-sweetheart situation or second chance thing), how did you *know*? I never thought *knowing* was real, but perhaps that was just my bad luck with relationships. To be anonymously honest, I already feel like I *know* with this guy (though obviously don’t want to rush into anything)!

   1. I can’t tell if this is more like reverse concern-trolling or humblebragging. You can just come here and squee without inventing a problem, you know.

      Sorry for being grumpy, but why does it matter how other people *knew*? If you already feel like you do, that’s wonderful. Take the money and run! If you’re asking permission to *know* so soon, there was just a whole thread about that, and the major consensus was that everyone *knew* right away or very quickly. So, consider yourself validated.

      1. OMG. I think you’re overreacting a little. This type of a question has been discussed several times over the years, and it’s a perfectly legitimate question. Humblebrag?! Wow.

      2. Yeah, this is just nasty. Get off the internet and go for a walk.

   2. I broke up with a guy after 6 years when I was 27. I very soon started going out with my now husband. I would say I “knew” within weeks. I never knew with earlier guy (though he was great and all) which made the difference that much starker.

      1. +1 – this is almost exactly my story. Though it admittedly scared the shiz out of me at the time, because I was not ready to leap from one long term relationship to another, I started dating my husband very soon after breaking off a 4-year relationship in my late 20s. My friends were judgey, but we’ve been married 5 years and so far so good. :)

   3. Ignore Evil Stepsister. My friend is in the same situation, granted she’s 25. She’s not sure if she loves him or just loves how well he treats her compared to her ex whom she was passionately in love with but it was a horrible relationship. Are you happy? Like annoyingly happy you’re loving life so much because it feels perfect with him? Does he treat you well? Not like showering you with gifts and opening doors. I mean as an equal, respecting and appreciating you. Does he make you a better person? These aren’t the only ways you “know” but i understand how it’s hard coming off that other LTR

   4. I met and started dating my now husband when I was 26. I feel like I knew around 6 months in….I can’t really explain why, I just didn’t have the stress and the concerns that I had had with prior relationships. I also had a lot of baggage from prior relationships (being paranoid about cheating) and it disappeared with my now husband. He just made me feel secure and confident and I wasn’t really worried about the types of things I used to worry about. He also spoiled me rotten….massaging my feet, opening doors, always paying, being a gentleman etc. I honestly think when you’re with “the one”, it’s just easy and you don’t have to worry or stress about what’s going to happen!

   5. I would advise proceeding with caution. A few years ago I completed half of a master’s program in marriage and family therapy, and one of the things we talked about that has really stayed with me is how that “OMG I feel like I’ve known this person all my life!” or “OMG we just met but I know he’s The One!” feeling has less to do with that person’s actual self and more to do with the fact that he or she subconsciously reminds you of somebody in your past and that’s why he’s ringing so many bells/pushing so many buttons.

      Now, this can be an awesome thing if, for example, this man subconsciously reminds you of your dad, who was always there for you and thought the sun rose and set on you and was a fantastic man in every way. But it could be a big warning sign if, on the other hand, he reminds you of your mom, who constantly criticized you and told you you weren’t good enough or thin enough or smart enough.

      Point is, it’s a worthwhile exercise to examine those feelings of familiarity and see if you can figure out where they’re coming from, and proceed accordingly.

      Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

      1. Is this what crushes are? Someone who subconsciously reminds you of someone?

         1. Could be. I’d say some of them certainly are! Interesting insight!

   6. I think that’s awesome that you feel so good with this new man. I had been through many frustrating, difficult relationships throughout my 20s and really started doubting if I would ever be happy in a relationship. I went to counseling, and I think that helped me sort through a lot of my personal blind spots and I gained my confidence back. I started online dating and I met my now fiance a few weeks into it. What I remember is that I finally felt confident enough to really trust what I felt. If I didn’t like someone, I didn’t feel like I had to force it out of guilt or confusion. If someone didn’t like me the way I wanted them to or didn’t make me feel comfortable, I didn’t put up with it and I ended the relationship. When I finally met my now fiance, I remember feeling very safe with him. I felt like I could easily open up and be completely myself. He was someone I could truly respect and admire and also be playful with. Before I had always felt very anxious in relationships, but now it finally felt fun and felt GOOD. I think “knowing someone’s the one” comes down to knowing yourself and knowing what DOESN’T work for you, and what a bad relationship feels like. You can finally recognize what you do want. It’s no longer a guessing game.

10. I am a small business owner and have a question about Short Term Disability. We have been considering offering this to employees for several months but haven’t gotten around to it until now. We are still waiting for quotes from our insurance broker and one of our key employees just told us she is newly pregnant.

    Obviously, we are going to compensate her on leave, whether it is covered by STD or not, but is this something we need to disclose to the carriers at this point, or is it better to not mention it. I don’t want to jeapordize her coverage (preexisting condition?) but if we can get some help from an STD policy in covering her leave, I would prefer to do so.

    Does her pregnancy affect our ability to add her to our STD policy?

    1. Sometimes with life/disability insurance you’ll be able to get guarantee coverage for new hire enrollees – so that regardless of otherwise disqualifying circumstances, the insurance will still allow coverage. If you don’t have guarantee coverage, I imagine everyone would have to do an Evidence of Insurability form that explains their medical history – which is what coverage would be based on.

       So – talk to your broker about the terms of the plan he put out to quote.

    2. I have looked into getting a non-employer STD policy for myself.

       From what I have found, many of them only cover preganacy if they were in place more than 9 months before the baby is born. In other words, you can’t get them to cover maternity/pregnancy if you’re already pregnant. (Sometimes they don’t even cover a premature birth.)

11. The awkward moment you don’t recognize someone you talk to over IM all the time when they talk to you face to face and reference having talked to them in third person and they just stare at you and you realize it like five minutes later. TGIF all around!

    1. Yikes! I’m useless at faces so I’d do this too.

12. If someone does buy this purse (and something else) I have a $40 off purchases over $200 code from bluefly: get40 . Hope it’s transferable. Enjoy!

    1. I do love this bag but am trying to limit purchases to things I will use frequently.

13. My friend is a lawyer and his small firm is making him use his vacation time to meet his CLE requirements (so if he takes a half-day class, that’s 0.5 days of vacation). He only gets 10 days vacation to begin with and will end up spending about 2 days worth on his CLE classes, so he’s pretty upset about this. I work for a large firm and so do most of our friends and our firms all (1) pay for our CLE classes and (2) have us bill our time to professional development/etc. I have no idea what is standard with smaller firms, but making someone use vacation time for a requirement they need in order to keep up their certification for the job seems so wrong to me. Is there anything he can do about it? (He hates his job and is already looking for a new one, but in the meantime…). Is there some sort of rule against this?

    1. I have no expertise on this issue whatsoever, but the sound of that just pisses. me. off. While I’m not a lawyer (I’m a paralegal), this sounds bizarre and awful to me, especially given only 10 days of vacation. Only in America….

       If I were your friend, I would gtfo.

    2. I used to do weekend CLEs as my old firm frowned at taking time off for CLEs. It meant one whole weekend was gone to CLEs, which is not ideal.

    3. Definitely no rule against this and when I worked for a small firm my jerk boss acted like it was a HUGE job perk that they paid for CLEs and let us take time off for them. He basically wanted me to grovel every time I asked for permission to attend a CLE, even though as you mentioned keeping current on them was required to keep my license.

       I currently work for a federal agency in a job that requires me to have an active bar membership and while they give us administrative time for CLEs, we have to pay for them ourselves.

       If your friend wants to avoid using vacation time, tell him to look into online bundles available through MCLEZ or Lawline. Until my state instituted a requirement for live hours, I often did CLEs online while folding laundry, etc. at home.

       1. OMG, my small firm experience was so similar. The boss guys at those places definitely have a type.

          1. ditto

          2. yup! Mine wanted to pay me by the hour at a rate that would fluctuate based on his discretion and how much he liked the work I produced within a given hour.

             1. That is hilarious. My small firm boss would totally do something like that. He thought we were lucky to get anything from him.

       2. I also used to work for a state government where we had to pay our own bar dues and pay for all our own CLEs.

    4. Not an employment lawyer, though it’s difficult for me to imagine that a firm can’t make that policy, but with so many CLE courses online/available for download, why doesn’t he do them on the weekend or at night? I understand it’s a pain, but he can look for another job if he doesn’t like the firm’s vacation policy.

    5. I work at a small firm (7 lawyers), and the partners would never make us do that. In fact, they also pay for all our CLEs. I guess it depends on the profitability of the firm but that sounds ridiculous to me!

    6. When I had to do in person classes as a new attorney, I took a day-long CLE and while I didn’t have to use a vacation day, I did have to make up the billable hours, so it was basically the same thing. I just tried to get CLEs in the evenings or in hour chunks during the day. It’s easier now that I’ve been admitted long enough for video CLEs to count.

       1. Same. This is my new firm’s policy too. It’s not as bad that they make you take vacation time, but any time missed from work is missed billables and has to be made up.

    7. I work for a small firm and think this is ridiculous… obviously one of the downsides to being at a smaller firm is that your salary isn’t what it would be in Biglaw, but one of the perks for me has always been having a flexible schedule. Making an attorney use vacation days for CLEs just seems petty. My firm has paid for my CLEs in the past and never requires me to waste vacation on something that’s required to maintain my license.

    8. Thanks for the replies, everyone. He’s a new attorney so the classes have to be in-person, and apparently it’s more difficult to find in-person classes in the evenings/on the weekends. But I suppose that’s the best he can do. I’m so frustrated for him… he already has had a few rough breaks that led to him needing to take this job.

       1. Law schools and bar associations are good places to find in-person CLEs in the evenings. If your friend happens to be in NYC, the NY County Lawyer’s Association occasionally has free or cheap CLEs in the evening (and free 1-hour CLEs during lunchtime for Lexis and Westlaw training all the time), as does NYU (and I’m sure most of the other law schools in the city)

          1. He is in NYC, so I’ll pass these suggestions along. Thanks so much, Gail.

             1. I was in NYC when I did mine on the weekends. I did them through a law school CLE program. It was pretty easy to find bridge the gap sessions on the weekends. I also did it through bridge the gap cle (dot) come which I WOULD NOT recommend bc it has been a year and I still do not have my certificates.

       2. What about at lunch time? My local bar association does a ton of in person CLEs at lunchtime. They have lunch beforehand, then they have the CLE program. So it usually ends up being about 1.5 hours, but you get networking as well as the CLE. And the ones run by my local bar associaton are not very expensive so long as you are a member (and the membership rates are fairly reasonable for new attorneys).

    9. If you’re billing the time to professional development, that doesn’t count toward your billables target, right? So it’s basically requiring that you do it on your own time, which means it kind of works out the same.

       1. But prof dev. doesn’t deduct from your vacation time.

          1. There’s no right to have vacation time in the first place. It sucks, and isn’t the greatest employee retention plan, but its within the realm of allowable.

             1. Ha ha.

             2. Never said it wasn’t.

          2. I think what TBK may be getting at is that at a lot of small/midsize firms (and maybe big ones too?), there are no vacation days, just a billable hours requirement/target. This is how it is at my firm. So when I do CLE, I write it down as professional development time, but I can’t bill anyone for it, so it doesn’t count towards my billable hours target. So it is basically equivalent to OP’s friend’s situation, because in order to do my CLE, I have to give up time that would otherwise be time off or time I could spend billing. I can see how OP’s friend is annoyed at his firm has framed it as having to take vacation time to do CLE, but for practical purposes it is really not any different from the situation that many (most?) other attorneys are in.

             I would be annoyed if the firm is not paying for the CLEs–my firm pays for ours, since not only is it required for licensing purposes, but it is in everyone’s best interest to have all of the attorneys up to date on new developments in the law. We also do a lot of CLEs in house. I agree with the suggestions of others to try to take online or self-study CLEs at night or on the weekends, if that is permitted in the friend’s jurisdiction.

             1. Right, but this guy presumably took this job thinking it offered 10 vacation days per year and it’s basically 8. That is not really the same as someone who has unlimited vacation days as long as they meet the billable hours; it’s an extra requirement.

             2. Oh, I agree that the firm framed it poorly and that they would be much better off telling people they can take as many days as they want so long as they bill X number of hours, both in terms of employee morale and profitability. (In my experience, most people who work under an “unlimited vacation days” system take fewer than 10 vacation days a year anyway because of the pressure to meet the billable requirement, or if they do take that long, they are either billing a ton at other times to make up for it, or are working remotely for part of the time they are gone.) I’m just saying that it probably works out the same in the end.

    10. Small firms are different – I have noticed that every policy will differ. My boutique firm pays for CLE and gives two days off a year to fulfill our state’s requirements. (Our state’s requirements are 12 hours per year plus 3 hours of ethics, 3 hours can be earned through self-study.) The two day MCLE vacation was instituted a few years ago when an attorney attended a week long MCLE in Aspen….during ski season. I heard it was a great setup, open slopes till 4pm, Apres Ski at 5pm and MCLE from 6-9 during dinner. We also no longer pay for travel and hotel stays for CLEs for the same reason.

        However, last year we instituted a policy that was very well received. If an attorney chooses to attend webcasts for their CLE and watches the video from our office, they receive two extra days off.

    11. I have no idea what the “rules” are regarding forced use of PTO for CLEs.

        The easiest short-term solution here is weekend/evening CLE. The City Bar Association does evening CLE classes, and several of the local for-profit providers (Bridge The Gap, Marino) offer fairly low-cost (say, $300 for 16 credits) weekend options.

14. Small firms are different. It sucks, but doesn’t surprise me.

15. Has anyone tried the silk blouses from Uniqlo and would you recommend them for workwear? I work in a business/business casual office. I’m thinking about ordering one, but I’ve never shopped there and haven’t even seen them in person.

    1. I’m interested too. Anyone tried the blouse?

    2. I’ve tried it. Quality-wise, yes, I think it’s fine, but I wasn’t crazy about the fit. It’s very blousy through the stomach/waist but tighter in the chest, so I felt like it wasn’t terribly flattering on me, but it may work for some people.

       1. If you don’t mind a pullover instead of a button-down blouse, I ended up getting this one from Ann Taylor instead: http://www.anntaylor.com/shirred-silk-blouse/321651?colorExplode=false&skuId=15023230&catid=cata000010&productPageType=fullPriceProducts&defaultColor=5344

          I liked it so much I went back and bought the red as well as the blue when it went on sale. And it’s 50% off sale right now.

       2. +1 Gail the Goldfish. I bought them and the quality is quite nice but the cut is straight down the sides and quite boxy/wide. I’m usually a Small/Medium but sized up to a M or L (32DDD chest) and it was still a little gape-y at the button right at my b 00 bs and not the kind of material that I thought would be altered/tailored well. I saw a thread earlier last week where someone actually wanted a looser fit though and I think she was happy with it.

16. Does anyone use a password keeping program/website/app? Our IT guy swears by KeePass, but I wonder if there are others out there.

    I have just started a running list of all of the websites & applications that use passwords–in the last 2 days, I’ve encountered 19 different applications requiring passwords. I need to change some of these, and streamline others, but I am probably missing about half of my total password-encounters. Thoughts?

    1. LastPass is what I use. It runs for both IE and Chrome.

    2. I use secret saver for iphone.

    3. Password Wallet.

    4. 1Password. I do not think it works in Linux, if that matters to you, but works with various Mac/Windows browsers.

       1. +1

    5. I use, and like, Keepass. After I save the database I also move it to Dropbox, so I can access it from my phone and my tablet. I enjoy the random password generator it has, but I’ve learned to remove any zeros or Os, or ‘I’s and ‘1’s and ‘l’s (capital i, number 1, or lower case l) as these can be tricky to read on a phone or tablet.

    6. After Last Pass got hacked I swore of these things.

17. I have a groupon for laser hair removal, and it works out so I can afford to get either the lower legs or underarms/bikini/belly button done. Any suggestions which I should do, which is likely to “stick” better and not need touch ups? I can’t afford to do it all together unless I can negotiate an amazing deal with the salon. I’ve never had laser treatments before.

    1. personally I would do the three smaller areas. I don’t think it’s as annoying to shave lower legs and for me at least, shaving my lower legs can last 2-3 days whereas I don’t feel comfortable not shaving my underarms every day. (plus underarms can react worse to shaving).

    2. I would do lower legs because I wear capris a lot to the gym and barely have anyone looking at the other areas, but ymmv.

    3. I had my underarms done. It took 7 or 8 sessions to get it to a place I liked (ie only3 or 4 hairs regrow once a month, I just pluck), but it is definitely worth it! it used to drive my wardrboe choices (because of shaving reactions and regrowth), and I am now free :)

       1. Where did you go in Houston? This is something I’ve been thinking about, but I’m definitely nervous to try somewhere without a personal recommendation.

    4. I’ve had all of those areas done and, given the choice, would pick the multiple smaller areas. In the summer time, it is great to be able to put on a bathing suit without having to worry about the bikini line.

    5. Belly button? You have enough hair their to get it lasered?

       Or are are you talking about like the “love trail” or whatever it’s called that goes down from your belly button?

18. On the financial topic, do you ladies use a traditional 401k or a Roth 401k? I was using traditional, but just switched over to Roth and am second guessing myself. I am in my mid 30s and max out my 401k each year.

    1. It depends a bit on your tax bracket and what bracket you expect to end up in during retirement, but at a high level if you can afford to max out a Roth 401(k), that’s the way to go.

       1. What about a not-high level where you can’t afford to max it out? I’m able to put like 3K a year into one or the other maybe, after maxing out 401K.

          1. For me, it comes down to this: if you think you’re making MORE now than you will when you retire (based on what you expect to withdraw/receive during retirement), you should pay taxes later (at the lower rate), and a regular 401k would be appropriate. If you think you’re making LESS now than you will when you retire, you should pay the taxes now (at the lower rate), so a Roth 401k would be best. // not a financial advisor, not in finance

          2. I look at is as diversification to have some money in a traditional retirement account (my 401k), and some in a Roth (my IRA). You don’t know what tax rates will be when you retire, or what your income will be. Best to hedge your bets and diversify. Also, I’ve heard from a number of financial advisors that tax rates are much more likely to increase in the next 20-30 years, so it’s best to take advantage of Roth accounts now, while tax rates are historically at the bottom.

          3. My understanding is that even though the tax rates will likely be different for you at retirement, since it will be a long-term investment the majority of your account will be from growth over the years and not your contributed amounts. With a Roth you aren’t taxed on the growth so it is the better option. I suppose I like that answer because it takes you out of trying to guess whether your tax rate will be higher or lower in the future.

          4. Thanks all! Sounds like Roth it is.

19. My husband and I are going house hunting for the first time tomorrow! We are first time home buyers so I’d love to hear advice/tips/stories from you ladies. We are both attorneys, 29/30, and we live in Chicago. We want 3 bedrooms (or at least 2 bedrooms plus a space for a home office). I think the big struggle for me now is do we pick location (which would likely be a high rise condo near both of our offices) or do we move farther away from downtown such as Lincoln Park or Lakeview neighborhoods to get more space and more of a “home” feel but then have to commute ~30 minutes to work? We both live within walking distance to work now (he’s about 15 minutes and I’m about 20) so I guess adding an extra 10-15 minutes commute isn’t terrible but I’ve never had to take public transportation on a regular basis to get somewhere . . .

    Anyways would love to hear other people’s stories on how they decided to pick their first home! TIA!

    1. I live in Chicago. My husband and I bought our first home in Boystown in Lakeview. I work in the Loop, and he works in Streeterville. During the week, public transportation is pretty awesome (less awesome during weekends). We have a stand-alone home, and it is perfect for us. We are within close walking distance of restaurants and shops, but we live on a quiet tree-lined street.

       Here are some things to think about in Chicago: parking (covered, uncovered, included, deeded, etc.), condo vs. townhome vs. stand-alone home (tolerance for HOAs and neighbors), school districts, if applicable (some are very good and some are not even in Lincoln Park), subway lines near work/distance from public transportation (close enough so that it is easy walk, far enough so that it is not too loud), and construction materials (modern, gray stone, victorian, brick- BUT avoid houses made of split block).

       Given our desire for a stand-alone home in a good school district convenient to public transportation and not too far from work, we limited our search to Lincoln Park, Boystown, and Southport Corridor. We like and rented in the Gold Coast, but it was generally out of our price range for a single family residence. We also like Old Town, but some of the schools are a little shaky.

       1. Excuse my ignorance, but what is split block? And as far as the construction materials – would that just be a personal preference?

          Ugh, to be honest I have not considered school districts. I am not sure if I want to add that into the mix. We do not have kids yet and we probably will not for at least 2 more years so then the kid wouldn’t even go to school for 7 years. Am I being irresponsible in not thinking about school districts in picking out this first home?

          1. Even if you aren’t planning to have kids in school before you move, I’d at least make sure the schools where you buy are decent. During the crash our property values weathered the storm significantly better than some surrounding areas because of the strength of our schools, and now that the markets are coming back, our property values are going up faster. If you buy in an area with crummy schools you will get a better deal now but the long-term investment may not be as good (which will impact the equity you will have when you go to buy your next house).

          2. Think about schools NOW if you think you’ll ever have kids. We bought when kids were 2 years off and 7 years to kindergarten seemed so far away. Now we’re moving because 7 years have gone by and the school is terrible! We essentially spent 7 years settling into and improving a home and developing friendships with neighbors that we will just have to leave behind. Not to mention the hassle of selling a home with kids, paying commission on another sale, etc.

             We also felt like we already had too many requirements to our house search and considering school districts would be too much. Honestly, it would have been extremely frustrating. But I wish we would have dealt with the frustration then. The 7 years will pass very quickly, and now it feels like a huge waste and unnecessary hassle.

             Otherwise, my advice is to be patient, understand that no house will be perfect, and assume that your home inspector is lying to get your realtor the sale.

             1. So, if you look at houses on Zillow, it gives you the school’s rankings. Does anyone know how accurate that is? If it’s not accurate, is there some reliable website that tells you the school’s rankings?

          3. Split block is a housing material that was basically out-lawed in Chicago, because Split block houses tend to leak. Google it.

       2. this. all of this. we lived in our condo in the same place in Chicago until my oldest started kindergarten, at which point we bought a house is roscoe village (which i totally love, but its more family oriented that some other neighborhoods)

          And you dont have to think about school districts now, but if there is another housing market crash between now and when your kids go to school, you might be stuck and you shoudl consider that.

          1. roscoe village is cute!! I’d be open to living there. Where was your condo where you lived previously?

             1. Lakeview. We loved it. It was the perfect location to start raising a family but there are lots of people who are not at that point yet. And most people don’t stay in the area when they have school aged kids, though there are certainly some public schools that I would send my kids to.

                We love roscoe village even more now, though that is largely because we are at a bit if a different place in life. We love that our kids are in a neighborhood school and there are lots of families in huge same situation and we can all hang out together — and all within walking just a few blocks (it’s even better than a suburb in this respect).

    2. Are your places of work on the same El line? Which one? If you’re on the brown or red I can think of a number of neighborhoods in nice areas that would be quite nice and not nearly 30 mins. The El is pretty reliable during rush hour, I wouldn’t worry about adding tons of time to your commute.

       1. Hi roses – brown would be the best for both of us, blue would also work but my husband doesn’t want to live in Wicker Park or Bucktown but he might be open to west loop (we live in river north/fulton district now).

          All of the places our real estate agent has sent us are generally 30 minutes (and that time estimate is door to door, and not just the time on the train). I mean, I guess I’m ok with it, but I’ve just never done it before since we’ve always walked!

          1. West Loop is nice. So is Logan Square. Blue line runs frequently during rush hour, though sometimes the last stop on the Forest Park end is Halsted-UIC, so keep that in mind if your stop would be Racine or further west. I’ve lived a few places along the blue line, as well as in the South Loop/Printer’s Row and Lakeview/Boystown.

             One thing that really helped was having our real estate agent sign us up for a search on the MLS covering a huge geographic area (any neighborhood we might possibly consider) and various property types. We started receiving the emails several months before we actively started looking, which helped give us a better idea of what is commonly available in Chicago and the prices for various locations/amenities.

             Are you already familiar with the neighborhoods that you are considering? Have you spent time there?

          2. Yes, +1 to Abogada. Look at all possible neighborhoods on the brown line. I haven’t lived there in 4 years, but when I did live in Chicago the prices for townhouse rentals in Old Town (Sedgwick brown line) were no where near rentals downtown. That would only be about a 15 min commute to downtown. If you’re willing to go further up, the neighborhoods surrounding Southport and Paulina are so trendy and so much cheaper – you will be looking at a 30 min commute, but if you spend a decent amount of time at home I’d say it’s worth it. On the other hand, if you both have intense Biglaw jobs, the neighborhood won’t be worth it since you won’t get to go out much near home. All about your priorities!

       2. I’m just going to make a south loop plug here – I’m renting but I know there are a ton of condos and single family homes. I work in the loop and my commute is 15 minutes door to door using the red line. There are lots of groceries stores, restaurants, Target, Whole Foods, etc. Just think about it! :)

          1. jc I have heard that the south loop is really up and coming from several of my friends! I would not be opposed to looking in the south loop if we can’t find what we want otherwise.

    3. I think making the trade off of neighborhood versus commute time depends on your lifestyle. I chose a 30 minute commute into the loop because I love my neighborhood (very walkable, no big condos/skyscrapers, nightlife friendly rather than stroller friendly, easy access to lake front running). I could live closer to work, but I wouldn’t be happy in the Gold Coast/River North/River West/South Loop areas. But if you work late hours, intend to have covered parking, and drive everywhere, your calculus could be completely different. Also, I love having the time on the train to read, so public transportation is a plus rather than a minus for me, but YMMV. Figure out exactly how you want to spend your time outside of your home, and the answer may get a little easier.

       That said, I looked at places all over the city. I still regret not buying a particular condo, because it was the perfect space — but the location was too difficult a commute (long bus and then L) for me without a car. So be wary of looking at places that just will not work on a practical level.

20. I’m at a client. A difficult client. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m so tired. I’m very behind at this client but everyone acknowledges that it’s their fault. I want to use this as an excuse and just check out for the day. They’re going to drive me to insanity :(

    1. I’m so there with you. The person I report to is about to take over such a client from me next week . I absolutely never cry uncle on this sort of thing. And I’m the only one out of four at my organization to work with this individual to actually complete any project targets. But it’s gotten to the point that I hate getting out of bed every Friday because I know I’ll have a conference call with this psycho. Any pride on managing this has completely gone out the door by now. I just want to have any semblance of control over my workload and competing projects again. I’ve had more than a year with this miserable situation pulling me down like quicksand. Here’s hoping your miserable situation is over soon as well. I am absolutely giddy to hand over the reins. I’m “leaning the hell out” of this.

       1. Yes! I will say this is good for my career. The level of responsibility I have for my position/age is impressive but it’s just overwhelming mostly because of the client. They aren’t psycho but they’re just unbearable due to their organizational structure/culture. I think we’re feeling the same… it’s been extended throughout the course of the year, pushing me off clients I enjoy and I just hate sitting there every day working on it :(

          1. I’ve been there as well, and what killed me was that the management acknowledged that the client was insane, my workload was unreasonable, and that I did a far better job than anyone else at the office would have done in the same situation, but time and time again they refused to do anything that might have helped the situation, even though I asked and suggested lots of stuff. I guess they felt that everything was fine as it were as long as deadlines were met and the client didn’t complain too much.

             Well, I handed in my resignation, and three days later they had an ad out for TWO people to replace me.

             S, congratulations on getting out of that cr*p with your job and sanity intact, and E, I hope you have the same luck (and/or skills) as S. But if I were you, I’d start working on an escape plan and set a deadline for how long you are going to stand this.

21. Good thing I’m single:
    http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2014/01/09/you-can-date-george-clooney-for-10-no-kidding/

    1. It’s also a pretty worthy cause so win win!

       1. omg I hope you are totes doing it! Good luck!!

          1. Totally. My mom even entered so I could win.

22. I’d like to start seeing a therapist to talk through some feelings and get some advice. How do I find one? Do I really just google and look at online ratings? I’ve already looked at who’s associated with my health plan, but there are only two and they seem more medically focused (ie, they practice out of a hospital) so I’m looking beyond.

    Thoughts on male therapists? It sounds silly, but I had a woman pictured since some of the issues I want to discuss are parenting/mothering related. The only Drs with my health plan are men and, well, I guess I wasn’t sure they’d be the best sounding board for that.

    How much does a self-pay appt cost? It probably varies wildly, but I’m curious what I may be paying if I go off-plan.

    TIA

    1. I think prices will vary widely depending on location and experience. In the Denver, Colorado metro area, my therapist (who has private practice with an office outside a hospital) with 10-15 years experience charges $125 per hour.

       Why not try calling the offices of the therapists covered by your insurance plan and discuss with someone at each office whether the practices are suited to your therapy needs. That can’t hurt and could save you a lot of money.

    2. I can’t comment on prices, but my beloved Dr. Shrink is a dude and I’ve actually found it helpful to have a male perspective. He’s a parent and about my age, so we do have that in common at least. But I wouldn’t necessarily dismiss a male therapist out of hand without meeting with him. A good therapist doesn’t have to have had similar experiences to be helpful.

23. My boss, who is currently on maternity leave, got promoted to an Executive position (while on still on leave). I thought the timing was unusual, but it was well deserved. Meanwhile, I’ve been stepping into a lot of her responsibilities, have been going above and beyond the work I usually do, putting in extra hours on high profile projects and the work has not gone unnoticed by our CEO and executive team. (Prior to this the CEO all but ignored me–now she has expressed that she is impressed with the work I’m doing). My boss tends to keep certain projects to herself, but now that I am involved with her job plus my own, I’m wondering how to keep the momentum going without stepping on her toes when she gets back. Has anyone else been able to benefit from career growth during a manager’s leave? How have you handled this situation?

    1. Handle this delicately. I had a colleague who was not my supervisor but more experienced than me step out for over a year for family issues, and in that time I covered both of our jobs. When he came back it was not good because he freaked out about someone else demonstrating competency in an area he was trying to convince people only HE could do, and I honestly was defensive because I wasn’t prepared to go back to my less stimulating work. But if your boss’s responsibilities will be changing maybe when she comes back and will likely have a better sense herself of what she’ll be capable of, you can tell her that you’d be happy to maintain whatever she will no longer have time for. But be careful!

       1. Great advice AMB! My boss was being undermined by a colleague on her level before she left. He would usually go over her and direct to me. This made her feel like she had to defend her role and because of this she kept referring to me as “her employee,” which not feel great because I have subject matter expertise that she does not, but she still attempted to “manage” my work.

          Her colleague who was undermining her ended up getting fired (for a few reasons) and because she had support of the CEO, she was promoted.

          Before she left, she said things like “oh, she can’t do that” about me even though I did have the capacity as has been demonstrated since she left. I’m a bit bummed at the prospect of going back to being just “her employee” because I am more engaged at work that ever before.

          Still, the CEO made a comment during a company meeting that she is happy to have another person with demonstrated capacity to do something that my boss had historically done herself. I’m hoping she will encourage my boss to allow me to stay involved after she returns.

          Do you think it was worth the extra time & effort to step up during your colleague’s leave? Did you receive any recognition afterward?

          1. Whoops – should have checked back in sooner. It was definitely worth it for me to step up because I got a lot of experience under my belt that I may not have otherwise. And my efforts were recognized by those above me. I was lucky that my colleagues issues with me were seen as HIS as I was always very respectful and made an effort to show to everyone that when he came back I was prepared to make the transition easy. When he made it difficult, it was then noticeable to everyone and I think has injured his reputation far more than mine.
             If your boss has already made comments undermining you or at least making it apparent that she isn’t ready to see you in that kind of a role, it may be difficult for you to change her mind. The CEO being open to a change in your role is an opportunity but if you would continue to have her in your chain of command, I think any change would need her support. Perhaps when she’s back schedule some time to sit down with her under the auspices of catching her up, and broach the topic of her new role, and your interest in supporting her by taking on what she can’t anymore.
             However, you don’t want to work somewhere you may be limited in your growth. I’m switching jobs soon, after getting an offer out of the blue thanks to my demonstrated capacity developed thanks to my time being ‘stretched’, somewhat because I do now feel a bit pigeonholed and want to grow more.

             1. Great insights, thanks again for sharing.

                Another thing worth noting is that during this time, an interim person who is part-time is in her role, but we are working together as collaborators and because of her limited time, I have to pull most things together. She’s been the greatest advocate of me to the rest of the team. She also plans to speak with my boss when she gets back (she has a relationship with her) so my hope is that this will put me in a better position. Plus, the boss will now have two kids & a title that should have her delegating more of her work.

                I also think a conversion when she gets back to talk about the work I’ve done while she’s been gone and offering to help rather than show myself as a threat, would be beneficial.

24. I am in a situation where I don’t know what to do next. My husband has been unemployed for two years. He is in a fairly specialized field. He has probably had 5-6 interviews over the last two years. We weren’t married when he lost his job. He said he would work at any job to make it work.

    I don’t know what his plan is. He has never once said something like, “In six months I will go back to school, apply to retail stores, subsititute teach, etc.” When I ask him what the plan is he gets upset. Right now he is drawing from savings to contribute to our household budget.

    I am so upset. I had faith & was so confident in the first year that this was going to be our hard time and he would get a job and happy times would be around the corner. We got married and it has hit me over the last year that until he gets a job we are not moving towards any next steps. We had shared goals of having a family and buying a house.

    We argue all the time. We probably get along for 5-6 days, have a terrible fight, don’t speak fora couple of days, make up and the cycle repeats. Fights start because he can be oversensitive, mean, insult me, swear, go after me, and also because I blow up at him, can be mean, insult him, make him feel bad about not having a job.

    In the grand scheme of things we both have our health, lots of supportive family and friends. I have gone back to school and also focused on working out/running more to have outlets and goals that occupy my mind. Still, I am so sad that we are in this position. I feel torn up inside and so disappointed that he doesn’t seem to want to come up with a plan. I want to see him working or volunteering not on the internet doing whatever it is he does. I hate being a nag. And then I hate myself when I hold it all in and pretend like the situation doesn’t bother me. We had planned to be having a family by now, or at least trying. His family, my family and our friends all ask me why he doesn’t put himself out there more. Ask me how he is doing and what is going on. I put a smile on my face and pretend things are ok – honestly I feel embarassed that we are in this situation and that our life/marriage is not motivation enough to him to do something with his life. When we are fighting I try to say that the unemployment is a stressor that makes us both under a lot of pressure – he says that the unemployment is a small issue, that we have a bad marriage and that’s what the problem is. When we make up he apologizes over and over again for saying something like that.

    I see a counselor every few weeks and it’s pretty helpful although we talk about anxiety generally and other things in my life. If things feel good with him at the time of the appointment I don’t feel like getting into it. He and I went to counseling once and it didn’t really work out. When I suggest it now he always points to it. I can’t live this year like the last two. But I really do love him and I think we make a great couple when things are working out. I know you’re supposed to help each other through hard times but I can’t even picture being in this same situation even three months from now, I will go insane. I don’t know what to do next. This is rambling, and I don’t even know what question I am asking but I just had to get it out. Anyone dealt with long term unemployment, suggestions for how to deal?

    1. If I were in your shoes I would insist he go to counseling with me and if he refused I would leave. The behavior your describe would be unacceptable to me. And if it didn’t turn around within a reasonable time, again, I would leave.

       I say this as somebody who lived with bad behavior for far too long and I hate to see somebody else going down that road. Life is too short, man. Life is too short.

       1. Thanks. I’ve been thinking about coming up with a timeline for myself because I agree with you – life is too short. 2014 feels like it can be a good year for me- and that might mean b/c we figure it out together or b/c I realize I can do this on my own. It just all seems so big to think about and hard to break down into small enough pieces that I can rationally think about.

          1. This seems like the kind of thing your therapist can help you with. Maybe step up the number of sessions for a while?

    2. I didn’t deal with it well, no good advice here. That relationship ended in divorce.

       How’s his mental health? He sounds depressed.

       1. I’m afraid we’re headed in that direction. I think he’s very depressed but reluctant to admit it. Too much pride/ego/whatever. Just marking the two year point is making me really question how much longer I can do this (which makes me feel guilty like I’m not sticking by him.) Ugh.

          1. He is not sticking by you. Being unemployed sucks, but he needs to at least be working part time or volunteering in his field.

          2. Girl – do what you need to do for yourself. No one is looking out for you in this scenario, including you.

             Whether you continue to stay with him and support him through this, or make a plan to leave and stick to it, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

             You need to do what YOU need to do to mitigate this problem.

    3. A similar situation turned out to be marriage-ending for me. My ex kept quitting perfectly good jobs, with nothing else lined up, to be on unemployment or just home doing nothing, earning nothing, for months at a time. He had access to mental health care but did not take it seriously.

       If I had it to do over, I would make an appointment with a therapist for marriage counseling, take him, and put everything on the table. I believe that my particular marriage might still have ended, but I would have felt more proactive and healthier trying to solve the problem than just despairing.

       Good luck. I think you need to take some action now.

    4. It sounds like you both have problems maintaining a healthy relationship — routinely not speaking for several days just isn’t healthy, no matter the stress that is causing it. I think you need to work on that through counseling or however because that is in your control much more than his unemployment is in either of your control. Then deal with the rest.

       Is there a more neutral way to elicit a plan from him without putting him on the spot — like set a coffee date for next weekend to go over your family budget for 2014? Let him know you want to do this and ask him to brainstorm and prepare some things (and you’ll prepare some things, too) including his plans for bringing in income within the year.

    5. Someone said this on here recently and I think it’s a great reminder — a relationship is not like a home, you don’t earn equity by taking on a fixer upper. If it’s not right for you, get out. If you want to work with him, be proactive. He’s made it very clear that he’s not going to do anything about his situation. He’s a smart, rational person who is actively choosing to live the way he’s living. If he’s depressed or otherwise incapable of changing his situation, you can bring it to his attention and give him the tools to help himself, but you can’t change him.

       1. This is kind of what I think. I had this situeation with Alan, but we were NOT married. He realized all of a sudden once he lost his job that he could JUST move in with me and let me suport him and his drinkeing and all he had to do is have sex with me and that would make it all better. But I am alot smarter then that. I knew that I could NOT go on with a drunk, even if onley as a boyfreind, and I CERTAINLEY could NEVER marry a drunk.

          So it was easier for me to show him the door, even tho I am a soft person at heart. I knew that I could never live with a person who wanted ME to do all the work, espeacialy after we had kid’s. I should bear the children, do the work, shoppeing and pay all of the bills? FOOEY on that! That is where you are, and I did NOT read anything that even HINTS and the sex makeing up for the rest of the lousey thing’s you said are goieng on. So I say JUST SAY FOOEY AND MOVE ON!

          No one will be upset if you do that. The alternative is that you go for 10 more years with a guy who may also wind up cheateing on you b/c you will be out workeing all day, and there will be other women willing to give him sex b/c you are not. Do not go there. Cut your losse’s and RUN if the doosh does not get a job within a month. Show him my advise and tell him that this is the ROUTE your goieng to take, and take it. YAY!!!!!!

          1. Men who rely on women for support and have all day off to lounge will not hesitate to poke a local woman in need of a mans attention. This is what happened to my mom.

25. I’m looking to make a career change and I really don’t know anyone that could give me good advice so I’m asking the hive. I’m almost 30 and am really unhappy with my career in marketing. Before this, worked as a paralegal at a patent law firm and loved it. I’m now at a biotech company. My degree is in business but I’ve always had a strong interest in the life sciences so I’ve started exploring the possibility of going back to school to get the required education to become a patent atty. I feel a little old to be doing this but I’m unhappy with the career path I’m on now and I need to change it.

    Here are my specific questions:

    My BA is in business. Should I be considering master’s or PhD programs before law school?
    What type of degrees are in demand? (Biotech, chem, etc.)?
    Do I need to get into a prestigious program for my science education to make myself competitive after law school?
    Am I off my rocker?

    Thanks!

    1. I can’t help with any of your specific questions, but almost 30 is not too old for law school. It’s a bit above the average starting age (26 for both my class and my husband’s 10-15 or so years back – yikes we’re old), but not extreme. There were several mid-40s career-changers in my class, plus lots of straight-from-undergrads like me. So, there were plenty of early 30-somethings to bring the average starting age to 26.

       1. Ditto to this. You’re not too old at all. There were plenty of students in my law school class who were in their 30’s and it wasn’t weird at all. I was 24 when I started, but my best friend was 30. People are also at all different life stages, regardless of age — there were people in their early 20’s who were married with kids and people who were in their 30’s but completely single. Also, both while interning in law school and after you graduate, you’ll find that you’re a step ahead of the straight-from-undergrad folks or even those who took a few years off, because you have had a lot of experience working. When first years arrive at our firm, I can pretty easily spot those who took time off before law school (so this is not their first real job) and those who went straight.

    2. I believe some firms want you to have at least an MA in a science while others are fine with just a bachelor’s. At my last firm, there were several patent attorneys who had PhDs in their fields, but certainly not all of them. I would think that a master’s would be sufficient.

       The types of degrees that are in demand may vary regionally, but I know in the Boston area patent attorneys with an electrical engineering degree have been in very high demand. But there was also a lot of biotech. I think if you have a strong interest in life sciences it makes sense to stick with that. No point in getting qualified in an area you don’t enjoy.

       And I agree with the others – 30 is not too old to be doing this.

    3. I will be blunt. You do not describe education (formal or informal) that will qualify you for either a masters or a PhD program. You are going to have to start with bachelors level prerequisite courses (community colleges will have basic freshman chemistry and biology). Postbac programs sometimes fill this niche (usually geared towards premed requirements). We’re talking 3-5 years to get up to speed and get a masters, and 7-10 years to get a PhD. If you stopped your science education when you hit college, that is where you will need to start again in order to understand advanced coursework in a graduate program.

       So in the end, I’d say you are not too old to make the switch, but if it were me I would look for the bare minimum for your science coursework to qualify you for the patent bar (try to avoid a masters with lab research thesis) and see if I could do the bulk of it part time. I doubt you envision starting law school after the almost-decade it would take you to get the PhD (practically unpaid).

       1. There was a recent article in NYT about a science writer taking organic chemistry for the first time, I think in her 30’s. It might be inspiring for you as you contemplate being a beginner again (being a beginner is hard, particularly once you have built a reputation and people have started to respect you professionally).

    4. I’m a patent lawyer. Do you want to do prosecution or litigation? If you want to do prosecution, you have two choices if you really want to get a job: Go back to undergrad and get an Electrical engineering/computer science degree, or go back to school and get a PhD in bioscience/biochem. Other degrees will work, but you won’t have as easy a chance to get a job.

       If you want to do litigation, you are better off with the technical degree, but you can do it without the technical degree. If you want to do it without the technical degree, ONLY go to a top law school (I mean HYS). Nowhere else. Then, you will have to work to find a firm that will take you seriously for patent law without a technical degree, but you should be able to find one– they are all biglaw firms. Some firms will want a technical degree, even for patent litigation.

       In my experience, the rank of the undergrad school really doesn’t matter.

       1. I want to tweak this a little. On the litigation side, it depends where you are. The above advice may hold true for NYC or the coasts, but it does not hold true for my experience in regional BigLaw. I went to a low first-tier law school in my practicing city (although I also came to patent litigation with years of general and commercial litigation experience). We’ve had a lot of associates with similar backgrounds–first tier/high second tier law school (but from practicing city). The city I practice in is dying for associates who want to do patent litigation–regardless of degree, and without requirement of top tier law school. These are all regional or national BigLaw firms, either based in or with offices in practicing city. I’m a junior partner and wouldn’t bat an eye at a non-technical degree associate. The best patent litigation teams combine both technical and non-technical skill sets.

    5. I’m not a patent lawyer, but I do patent litigation and work with patent lawyers. I only know a couple PhDs, most have bachelor’s or master’s degrees. Mechanical and electrical engineering appear to be the highest in demand from my perspective, although biochem/chem majors also seem to do okay. From what I’ve seen, a prestigious science degree doesn’t really matter.

26. I’m dyeing my own hair now since DH and I set a high savings goal, and we have cut our budget as far as possible. The grey doesn’t cover very well at the sides of my face, the roots start to show in about 3 weeks and sometimes my hair has a reddish tint. Does anyone have suggestions to address these issues?

    The dye is a popular one available in the supermarket. I’ve followed the directions to start by covering the grey hair with the dye first and leave the dye on there for about 15 minutes longer. As for the red tint, I wondered if maybe I need to protect my hair more from the sun? For the roots showing so quickly, would going to a darker shade help?

    1. I don’t know why I’m even responding to this since I have never dyed my hair in my life, but my instincts tell me that the closer the dye shade to your natural hair color, the longer the roots will take to show. If your natural color is grey, it seems like going darker will just result in more contrast between the dyed hair and your roots when they start to grow in, making them more noticeable.

    2. Grey is harder to cover. As for the redness: It sounds like maybe you’re not using the right shade for you. And./or make sure you are using a REALLY good quality shampoo/conditioner for colored hair. My colorist has told me to avoid anything with citrus, also, because that will strip color out faster.

       If I was you I would spend one hair appointment asking your regular colorist for advice on shade/brand/timing, etc. It might seem weird to ask them how to avoid spending money on them, but in my experience they understand people needing to save money and are happy to help. They know way more about this stuff than us lay people. ;o) Plus, you can actually order salon-quality color off the internet yourself for cheaper than the salon, and your colorist could help you learn what your colors are and how to order it! But I would definitely get an inperson, professional opinion about what colors to go for and how to care for it between coloring.

    3. I color my own hair. I have observed the following. The grays at the side of the face are harder to cover. I just try to make sure to color them thoroughly, and I also use a powdered “gray cover” compact with an applicator brush (got it at Sephora) when I am very concerned about it. I just have a few that show through, and so it’s not that big a deal. Your roots will definitely show after 3 weeks if your hair growth rate like mine (half inch per month) and your color is much different than or your natural color – it’s not that you’re doing it wrong, it’s just your hair growing out. You could use one of the small root touch up kits if you don’t want to do another full coloring. Your hair may look reddish if you have a naturally warm tone, and the color you are using also has a warm tone. I have ash-brown hair naturally, so the darker brown I use is a warm tone so the two tones level out. If I used a cool toned brown, my hair would look green (voice experience).

27. Where can one shop online for contemporary clothing and items by American Indian artists, but not overly traditional — more inspired or fusion?

    I think we’ve talked here before (but maybe it was another website) about the recent “Navajo” trend clothing? In any case, I bought myself a cheapy cardigan sweater from Forever 21 that is clearly “Navajo-inspired” — I think they called it a Southwestern print (it is no longer on their website). I wasn’t sure how often I would wear something like this, but it turns out that I love it and think I will wear it a lot for years to come. I’d like to go ahead and invest in something better quality, and I’d love to actually buy from an Indian artist instead of someone appropriating their art. HOWEVER, my google skills are failing me because I don’t want something that is too traditional (like a full-on traditional print poncho) because I am white and do not live in the Southwest and don’t want to look ridiculous.

    The cardigan I have is similar in style to this Banana Republic one, but has accents of red and navy as well:
    http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=51420&vid=1&pid=949842002

    1. I think most folks now prefer the term Native American. Or in Canada, First Nations.

       I just googled and found this: http://www.beyondbuckskin.com “Beyond Buckskin empowers Native American artists and designers, advancing the quality of Native American fashion through education while providing an in depth podium for societal participation. Inspired by relevant historical and contemporary Native American clothing design and art, Beyond Buckskin promotes cultural appreciation, social relationships, authenticity and creativity.”

       1. I’ve consistently been told that the people themselves prefer Indian? I don’t know, don’t want to offend one way or the other. Just want to buy some stuff from them!

          Thanks for the link. There’s a lot there to look through!

          1. Good call. I hadn’t heard that, at least not from folks in my area.

          2. I took an American Indian history class in college about ten years ago and the term the professor used was “Indian.” Not that that’s the definitive answer.

28. We are going to be refinancing with SoFi in the next few days. Does anyone currently use SoFi and want to get the $100 referral bonus? I’ll use the first link posted :)

    1. I don’t use SoFi but I’ve been considering it…and I can’t figure out if it would make sense for me. Apologies for the threadjack, but does anyone have any advice? My loans that are left are all federal Stafford loans (I’m several years out of school and paid off the rest). All of it is at 5.5 or 6.0%. It looks like I could get small savings if I do a fixed interest rate (depends on what rate they give me, but it looks like the lowest is 5.0%), and bigger savings if I do a variable rate (lowest rate is just under 3%). I’m not sure if giving up all of the protections of Federal vs. private loans is worth the small interest rate reduction if I do the fixed rate loan, and switching to variable worries me. Even if it’s only a 5 or 10-year loan, isn’t there a chance that LIBOR rates will raise significantly in that time? Is it worth it? For what it’s worth, I don’t need to lower my monthly payments; I usually pay extra anyway and making the minimum has not been a problem for me.

       1. If you refinance, you won’t be able to put your loans into deferment in the event you return to school at some point in the future. That was enough info for me to decide not to refinance until after law school (so I plan to deal with that in the next 12-18 months).

    2. http://friends.sofi.com/JV3n

       thanks! :)

29. I need some new button down shirts. I tried on a ton today and none of them fit right. I hate my rack sometimes.

    1. I can relate. I used to have that issue and I hated every minute of it. To the extent that I didn’t wear button downs. Just knits.

30. Well, you girls rock, as usual. I floated my ideas to dh this evening and he is on board. We are going to dive in after we put the kids to bed.

    The revelation that I had today and yesterday after I thought about it some more–the logistics, the implementation–is that I’m not intimidated by it anymore. The problem no longer feels gigantic.

    Also, in good news is that dh made a 1.5 month’s worth payment today to the mortgage and talked with them to tell them about our current payment plan.

    I think because I have a clear plan that is manageable to take on, it is helping me to get revved up about it.

    So, thanks. I will continue to update.

    And I owe 2 of you an email.

    1. Good for you for jumping on it! Good luck talking it through tonight and following through on your plans!

       1. + 1

31. I am going to be relocating for a job in another state. I have 7 months left on my lease, which does permit subletting with the landlord’s consent. My landlord knows I intend to leave and has agreed to allow me to sublet the unit. But, he also wants to charge me a termination fee equal to 1 month’s rent. Can he do this? I understand he probably can do this if I were terminating the lease, but if I find a subletter to takeover until the lease end (August) and pay the same rent, how can he also charge me a fee, if he losses no rent? He also gave me the option of having someone sign for a longer term, for increased rent (about 300 more than I am paying now), but he’d still want to collect a fee from me. anyone in NYC have experience with this? Know the best way to go about it?

    TIA.

    1. I’ve sublet my apt in NYC and I was always responsible for still paying the rent, discussing issues with the landlord on behalf of the subletter and making sure the apartment was vacant and good condition on the move out date of the lease. I had to get the keys from the subletter and turn the keys back into the landlord. The NYC tenant laws are pretty lenient on subletting. Even if the lease says that you cannot sublet, the law requires the landlord to accept a reasonable subletter. They can still refuse to allow a subletter for financial reasons, bad credit, or other reasonable reasons.

       In your situation, is the landlord taking over these duties and discharging you from the remainder of the lease obligations? It seems if he is terminating your lease agreement then you are no longer responsible if the subletter fails to pay rent or if the subletter damages the apartment. That would not be a traditional sublet agreement and I would make sure to get all the terms in writing.

       It’s hard to tell exactly what is going on here without seeing the terms of the lease. I would review the lease terms regarding subletting and termination of lease. It is my understanding that a traditional subletting arrangement does not normally terminate the lease so a termination fee would not apply. But if you are moving out of state and don’t want the hassle of dealing with making sure the subletter pays and move out condition, you may consider just paying the termination fee, assuming it discharges you from these obligations.

       Something else to consider is your security deposit. Is the landlord keeping the deposit too? Or will he go through the property with you after you move out/before the sublet tenant moves in?

       1. Thanks for your reply. My landlord is a bit difficult to work with. I think he wants me to both pay the termination fee and be responsible for rent (if the subletter isn’t secured when I move out or if the subletter does not pay). He is also raising the rent when I move out. So I will be moving out and will have to pay the termination fee (I will ask if he just wants to keep my security deposit because the termination fee is 1 month) and then I think he wants me to be responsible for rent until the subletter comes.

          I am on board with paying a termination fee and then vacating (and paying rent up until) that specific date, whether or not a new renter comes in. Or, remaining liable for the full rent, but hopefully subleasing it out, until the lease end, without paying a termination fee.

          It just seems illegal to charge me a termination fee, keep me liable for the rest of the rent, while also raising the rent, right?

32. I know it’s late in the weekend, but I would love input….the talk about savings goals earlier in this thread had me considering my finances this year.

    I’m 29, live with fiance but have separate finances. Last year, my first year out of law school, I made $65k. I put 15% into retirement accounts, some Roth, some Traditional IRA. With employee match contributions were roughly $12,000. I put about $12,000 in a savings account (for emergencies, and I’d love to start saving to put a down payment on a house).

    This year, I will be earning $75k. I won’t get another promotion like this for a couple more years ($2k/year more is likely). I will continue to put at least 15% into retirement accounts, but I can’t decide whether to put the extra $$ to retirement or savings. On one hand, I also would really like to start a down payment fund. But I feel guilty that I wouldn’t be trying to get as close as possible to the $17,500 limit. Thoughts?

    1. I think you’d need to also assess your fiance’s financial situation. You’d presumably be joining forces to buy a house, right? I’d do 15% to retirement and start saving for a down payment, but it would depend on the other half of the equation.

33. My fiance is in a very similar situation. He graduated at the same time (in a different field), and is making about $55k a year. That’s likely to stay steady for the next few years, but I’d imagine we’ll always be in the same general income range, with sometimes one making more than the other. He also is putting 15% toward retirement, and also saved $12k this year. Probably will do the same next year.

34. Anyone take the mini-pill and care to report back on whether it has increased your anxiety? I’m 39, thinking about starting it to manage severe PMS symptoms, breast pain, heavy periods. I’ve read that progesterone/progestin can help with anxiety, but typically BC has the opposite effect on me.

Comments are closed.