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Germs
Ladies I need help. My anxiety is out of control. I am scared to leave the house a lot of days. And unemployed. Can someone please recommend a physiatrist who is accepting new patients in dc- an hopefully doesn’t cost much more than 100 a session. Thank you
Susedna
I’m not in the DC area, but I hope some of the DC readers of this site will have some helpful recs.
Just wanted to send some support. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Good on you for recognizing that you can take steps to make this less difficult. *hugs*
anon
I highly recommend Dr. Jared Putnam in Bethesda off Woodmont avenue. I don’t know how much he costs because I use insurance but I’d look into it. Hope that helps! I’m glad you are reaching out for help, it’s so worth it!
LizNYC
Some psychiatrists use sliding scale for those who are unemployed or don’t have insurance, so it might be helpful to call an office that’s close to you (or have a friend/family member do it for you). Hugs to you for taking this major step in getting better!
anon
Google The Women’s Center and call them for recs. I’ve only ever been to their Vienna, VA office but I believe they have a DC office as well. My therapist there gave me an excellent recommendation for a psychiatrist (but he was also out in ‘burbs). Good luck!!!!
Anonymous
I could make it to the Burbs- I do have a car. Thanks for the support too ladies. It really means a lot. I have gone thru spurts of contacted offices but get a lot of “not taking new patients” messages or no responses back. My goal is to get an appointment in place this week. I have really spiraled and need to make sure I get myself back on track so I can start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
anon
In that case, the psychiatrist I saw was David Clayton and his office is near the intersection of I-66 and Route 50. I really only saw him for medication management since I was seeing a therapist at the Women’s Center, but I liked him a lot.
Silvercurls
Four suggestions. Prices vary. I don’t know about insurance.
+1 re taking action to care for yourself. Good luck in finding the end of the tunnel. Be persistent and just keep calling if the first places you contact don’t have openings soon enough for you.
The database of providers at the Psychology Today web site includes pyschiatrists:
www (dot) psychologytoday (dot) com; click on “Find a Therapist”
You can limit your search by specialty, location & many other variables. Most results include a headshot, brief professional bio, and link to each professional’s web site. If the professional takes insurance, he/she will say so.
Woodmont Psychiatric Group
In downtown Bethesda
www (dot) woodmontpsychiatric (dot) com
301.654.2255
Can recommend both Dr. Julie D. Klepper and Dr. Lawrence A. Brain
DuPont Anxiety Therapy
Father & daughters–2 MDs (psychiatrist) and 1 MSW–in practice together
Can recommend Elizabeth DuPont Spencer, MSW. (At one time one of the MDs in her practice prescribed for me; later I switched to an MD at Woodmont Psychiatric).
Father and Jerilyn Ross (see below) “were co-founders of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America.”
In Rockville, about 1 mile north of Beltway, between 3355 and 270
www (dot) dupontanxietytherapy (dot) com
301.231.9010
The Ross Center for Anxiety & Related Disorders, LLC
No direct experience, but the late founder Jerilyn Ross was a longtime colleague of Dr. Robert DuPont (see above).
In DC, on Wisconsin Ave. very close to Western Ave.
www (dot) rosscenter (dot) com
202.363.1010
lucy stone
Not in DC, but please take care of yourself. Check out http://nomorepanic.co.uk, which was a huge help to me when I was in the same boat. You can come back from this, hang in there.
Immediate TJ--worth it to get married?
So the weekend thread got me thinking about marriage, and I’d love thoughts from the hive about practical considerations behind the decision to get married (vs. live as partners without changing legal status). I’m engaged and in the midst of wedding planning. We have been together 6 years, living together for 4 and I had always assumed I would get married. Especially before having kids, which we hope to start trying to do in 2-3 years. But I don’t feel strongly that I have to (i.e., no religious/moral issues here). I have been thinking/researching, and have realized that financially, we may take a hit in the next 10 years by choosing to get married. Considerations include:
– Taxes. We make similar $$ (think $50k-$100k range), and will continue to do so; because of my loan repayment program through my law school, we will be required to file taxes separately for the next 10 years. So getting married means neither of us will be able to take certain deductions that we might otherwise be able to take (the child tax credit if we have a child; the tuition tax credit if SO goes back to school, which may happen in 5 years or so). I’m going to crunch the numbers when doing our taxes this year. I think once we can file jointly, this marriage “penalty” will be gone.
– Retirement/social security. Sydney Bristow, I think, brought this up on the weekend thread, but because it is pretty easy to roll over into a Roth IRA, and because of our similar salaries, I don’t think this will lean one way or another. Eventually, I think to take advantage of the other’s social security if something were to happen, we’d need to be married.
– Health care. I think that, while our two individual health care plans are cheaper than either of us getting a family plan through our employers, that will change when we have kids.
– Divorce/separation. Of course, I am sure this won’t happen–but everyone always is, right? If we happened to split up before buying a house/buying a car, etc., it would be easier to not have been married. But I feel that the more financially entangled you become, the worse it would be to separate without having a court able to sign on to a divorce decree.
– Other. I feel that many of the benefits of marriage can be contracted for (e.g., insurance beneficiaries, medical and legal powers of attorney, wills, etc.).
So, are there any considerations I’m missing? And for those of you who have weighed the (very practical) pros and cons to getting married, did those practical considerations hold much weight?
Manhattanite
My DH is still bitter about the marriage penalty. I make less than he does, but moved up a bracket when we got married. Marriage was an emotional decision for me. We had been together 7 years when we got married and were secure in our relationship. But I feel even more secure now in our relationship. And I like the acknowledgement of our status as a family from each of our families. Marriage is a luxury for us, I suppose, since it does increase our tax burden. But it’s very dear to my heart.
Family Lawyer
Actually, in some states, splitting up is easier when you are married than if you’re not married. There is a process in place for dividing finances fairly. It’s called a divorce. There’s no similar process for dividing things fairly if you’re not married. And this may mean that you don’t get your fair share.
I think many of the things you mention are unique to you. Two health plans are rarely cheaper than one, especially employer-provided. Women’s individual health plans are often more expensive than men’s (although this is supposed to change with ACA).
I also think it’s unusual for a married couple to have to file taxes separately to take advantage of loan repayment. Are you in public interest law? Are you really intending to stay there for 10 years? That’s a long time, and depending on your student loan situation, combining incomes may be better for your financial picture long-term.
wildkitten
My school-based loan repayment program requires me to file separately (unless my spouse does not work), and the federal one is more advantageous if I file separately.
Immediate TJ--worth it to get married?
Right. I guess I meant that the longer we are together, the more difficult it would be to separate without a divorce (for our first couple years of marriage, with largely separate finances, no real estate, no car, etc., it would be relatively easy).
I actually work for the federal government and I intend to stay 10 years. Because I get loan repayment help from my law school on top of IBR, I am absolutely required to file taxes separately (it’s the law school’s requirement). However, after that 10 years, filing jointly might be better.
Maybe I have to look into health plans more closely. But a cursory look at my options as a federal employee show “family plans” as costing slightly more than 2x individual plans (which would be a good deal if there were more than 2 people in the “family,” but if there are 2 people, it doesn’t give an advantage).
mascot
Is there a reason you have to go onto a family plan just because you get married? I am pretty sure you can still each have your own insurance. Even if you have kids, it may make more sense for one spouse to have the dependents and the other spouse to maintain their own plan. I’ll think you will see this more as the new insurance changes go into effect.
anne-on
Ditto – my spouse and I each have our own health plan and he covers our son under his (which is a way better plan than mine is). His employer would make us pay more an additional fee to cover me under his plan if since I am eligible for healthcare with my own employer.
Most employers have cheaper rates for employee + child as opposed to employee+ spouse+ child.
Senior Attorney
+1 on this. Mr. Senior Attorney and I always kept our own health plans, and “employee + child(ren)” is generally one of the coverage options.
snowy
+1 we are separate. We have different health needs (my husband has a chronic illness that requires very expensive injections every month, I don’t) so I just pick the cheapest plan, which is an HMO at my company; he has a better PPO through his company!
Blonde Lawyer
If you are a fed, your spouse can be giving up a lot of benefits by not getting legally married to you. For example, feds get health insurance in retirement and this applies to spouses too. There are many benefits paid to fed spouses if the worker gets disabled or dies. I believe those are only to legal spouses. I think if a fed is sent for training out of area, legal spouses are allowed one monthly visit, paid. I’m not sure that applies to everyone.
The ACA may fix my next point but I know people who got married FOR health insurance and I was almost one of those people. If you were unable to work, could you two afford a private health insurance plan for you or would you need the ability to go on your husband’s plan? In the past, I could not qualify for a private health insurance plan due to my pre-existing conditions. I was considered uninsurable. The only way I could get insurance other than being employed by an employer with a group plan was to marry someone employed by an employer with a group plan.
Other benefits rely on family size. I’m assuming you are not military. If you are, you are giving up a lot. I’m fairly certain that deployment benefits vary based on if one is leaving a spouse behind or not. While I don’t think this payment structure is fair, it is still the way it is. I think it also affects what housing you qualify for and who may live with you in that housing but I may be wrong. We are not a military family, just know a few.
Lastly, your loans would still be forgiven in 10 years regardless of your income, right? The issue is just how much you have to pay during those 10 years? Personally, I have an issue with anything that determines “ability to pay” by the income of married people but not by the income of co-habitating people. It is an interesting loophole on the creditor side.
For example, practically everyone in my state is trying to get money from one guy that scammed a ton of people. Scammer drive around in luxury cars, lives in a luxury house and goes on luxury vacations. This is all because he keeps everything in his live-in GF’s name so it is intouchable, even though he uses it for his benefit. But I digress. I also get annoyed when a spouse continues to get large alimony or child support while living with someone else that is paying all the living expenses. If they got married, child support would be reduced. Because they are just living together though, it doesn’t get reduced.
I guess policy wise, I don’t have a problem with two people, married or not, trying to keep their money separate. I have a problem when one party uses the money solely for the benefit of the other, or jointly, but creditor’s can’t touch it.
I would imagine the policy behind IBR is that you pay what you can afford. Presumably, once you combine living expenses and incomes, you can now afford more. I don’t think the drafters planned for people living together and avoiding marriage just to keep paying less. I can’t think of a drafting alternative that wouldn’t rely on the honesty of the recipient to say whether they were living together in a romantic sense or roommate sense.
Want To Get Married
I can think of one! When your kid goes to private college, in addition to filling out the FAFSA, private schools make you fill out their form. I forget what it is called. It takes into account cohabitating partners’ (i.e., almost-step-parents) income and assets in determining how much aid the kid gets. FAFSA does not.
Mpls
Two health plans vs. One. Actually – sometimes they are cheaper. My employer only has two levels of plan – Individual and Family. So that means Family coverage includes everything from the employee and just the spouse, to employee/spouse/6 kids. The family coverage is more than twice the individual rate. As always, you have to look at the numbers that apply to your family.
And, under ACA employers are only required to make available insurance to the eligible employees and that employees dependents – not the employee’s spouse. And the affordability provision only applies to the employee only coverage, not family coverage. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to see some employers change how family coverage works – not covering as much of the premium, not covering the spouse.
Batgirl
I believe the ACA doesn’t require employers to make insurance available to the spouse if the spouse is eligible for insurance through his/her own job.
Mpls
No…I’m pretty sure the employer doesn’t have to cover the spouse at all, if they don’t want to. ACA only calls for employee and dependent coverage. Whether the employer wants to condition spousal coverage on whether the spouse has other coverage available is up to the individual employers.
Batgirl
You’re right–just looked it up! It doesn’t require them to cover spouses–or to drop spouses, for that matter.
Brant
Some employers have “employee” “employee + spouse[or domestic partner]
and “family”. Some just have “employee” and “family. So do consider that… Also take a hard look at the plans themselves. Perhaps the annual premiums are higher under your SO’s plan, but maybe the deductible is lower or the benefits are better. It’s at least worth really exploring.
Lyssa
On the legal/splitting up side, I’ve been involved in a few cases (as an attorney) of unmarried but financially intermingled couples splitting up. It is really ugly and painful and there is, at least in my state, virtually nothing to protect anyone. One I was involved in, where the couple bought a house together, basically came down to a game of credit chicken – each could either pay the mortgage or let both of them get their credit blown up (and one was more interested in hurting the other than protecting that person’s credit). Plus, they had to agree on things like sale price – again, it took both signatures to sell, and there was nothing that could force a party that wanted to hurt the other from holding out for an outrageous price or not keeping the house sellable just to hurt the other. I would never recommend a couple purchase a house together without being married or having a really solid cohabitation agreement in place.
I’ve also been involved in cases involving child support and custody of never-marrieds, and they’re even worse – the problem tends to be that people think that they can handle it rationally and share custody/financial issues after a break up, then, eventually, things blow up and go wrong spectacularly. Divorce forces you to figure out custody and support then and there, rather than waiting for it to go wrong.
Also, while this might not fit into the uber-rational analysis that you’re using, as someone who did cohabitate for a little bit before getting married, I do think that there really is something psychological about making a definitive, public statement that you are permanently connected partners and family, not just people that love each other but that are actually partners in life. It’s not something that I can specifically explain or quantify, but it matters, IMO, quite a lot. (I realize that others differ on this, but that’s my experience and take.)
anon
Completely agree with everything Lyssa said.
As a lawyer, I’ve also experienced the people trying to split up property that was jointly owned when they were not married. If you don’t get married, I would definitely have a lawyer draw you guys up a cohabitation agreement to sign that says who gets possession of the house, who has to pay the mortgage, who gets the cars/car payments, and what you’ll do with any other joint assets/debts.
And on a personal note, my husband has a child with someone to whom he was never married and Lyssa is correct that the entire child custody/support system is set up based on the assumption that a couple got married, built a life together, had a kid, and then got divorced. For couples who didn’t do things that way, I really don’t think it works out as cleanly or as fairly.
Dulcinea
Ditto. I deal with this issue all the time. In more than one of my cases, one co-borrower just walked away, left town, left no forwarding address, and left the other person holding the bag for the mortgage. And, no, typically the mortgage companies are not cooperative or understanding in those situations. It is a lot more difficult to resolve when there is no divorce proceeding dictating what is to happen with the house.
Anon
+1 Just repeating what everyone else said. I had a case where the guy bought a house and just put his gf on the title. There was literally NO precedent in our state (and not much we could borrow from any other states either) and the entire case was a complete mess. If you aren’t going to go all in and get married then don’t allow your lives to become entangled. People like to think they will be amicable and fair but they rarely are during a breakup.
TBK
You seem to be talking purely about legal marriage. On that front, one consideration I would add is that, once you’re married, the law views you as each other’s next of kin (otherwise it’s typically still your parents). If one of you had a medical issue that rendered him/her incapable of making a medical decision, if you’re married, the spouse can make that decision.
But have you considered getting married without getting legally married? Some of the benefits I’ve gotten from marriage have nothing to do with the government. I realize I’ve said this here before (so please skip if you’ve already heard this) but in my mind, when I got married I made my relationship the business of not just my husband and me but our friends and families, too (because we had a religious wedding and it was legal, it also became the business of the church and state — but we’re not talking about that here). That meant that we were telling everyone we loved that the two of us were now one unit, that we each belonged to each other’s families, and that, because we had made a lifelong commitment to each other, we expected our friends and families to be willing to open their hearts and see each of us as friends and family to each other’s friends and family (that got complex — what I mean is that now that we were taking the risk of committing to this person for life, we felt it was reasonable to ask our friends and families to commit to this person, too). That also means that, in our minds, our friends and families were on the hook to support the marriage. Even if they had misgivings, they were to accept that this person was now here for good and to encourage us as necessary to stay together. Although I realize many cohabitating people feel that their family and friends should already treat their partner this way, I think that can be asking a lot. Why should your parents open their hearts to someone and treat him/her as a son/daughter and make that kind of emotional investment in someone when even you haven’t committed to this person for life? (I’m not talking about people who can’t get married here, or people who have committed to life together but have chosen not to make the arrangement legal. I mean people who kind of sort of think they’ll eventually get married, most likely.) I realize many people will disagree with this stance, but I’m just putting it out there as my viewpoint.
As for your point about divorce, my husband and I see this as a feature, not a bug. Our first year was rough. Suddenly every annoying thing the other person did became huge or every time we seemed to have a disagreement on How Things Will Be (e.g., do parents stay in our home or at a hotel, how much do we spend on Christmas presents for family, who washes the dishes most of the time, etc.) we’d each think “this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life!” (Yes, we did talk about this stuff before marriage, but there’s a difference between being married and not being married. It’s just different.) But because we’d already pledged to see this through, we each buckled down and did the hard work and figured things out. We’re so much happier for it. I doubt our relationship would be as strong if we didn’t feel we were absolutely tied together for life. (This isn’t to say anything negative about people whose marriages don’t make it. My parents are divorced and better off for it. As are my aunt and several of my cousins.)
I missed the weekend thread, so sorry if I’m repeating what’s been said there. And, again, this is just my perspective. I’m sure many people will disagree with me.
First Year Anon
I’m always so happy to see TBK posting, since that means the little ones have stayed inside! :)
TBK
Aww, thanks! Yep, still cooking!
Diana Barry
YAY!
NOLA
Yay! How many weeks now?
TBK
28 weeks tomorrow! While we’re not totally out of the woods yet, we’re out of the scary, scary part with the evil trees and glowing eyes in the bushes. My doctor says we now have about a 90-95% chance of going home with two healthy babies if they were born today. HUGE difference from 4 weeks ago when we had only a 50% chance of them surviving and a 70% chance of severe lifelong disabilities. Also, now we’ve made it this far without any real excitement, it’s much more likely we’ll go to 32 or 34 weeks. At 34 weeks, my understanding is they’ll need a little NICU time, but will basically be totally fine. Who knows, maybe I’ll wind up having to be induced?
preg 3L
Yay TBK!!!
zora
YAY little boys!!! Stay put and grow big!!! ;o)
eh230
Hi TBK. Just wanted to pass along a story. I had a 36 weeker 3.5 months ago, and he is doing great. Only 12 days in the NICU learning how to eat. No other problems. I also have a friend that just had a 34 weeker. Similar 2 weeks in the NICU learning to eat. Fingers crossed for you!
Susedna
“Still cooking!”
Awesome. I’m really happy for you, TBK! :-)
AnonNYC
I had my twins at 31 weeks. It was scary, as you know, but now they are completely normal, healthy, hilarious 2-year-olds. Best of luck to you.
jls253
Yay! 28 weeks is huge. I went down at 24 weeks for preterm labor (hospital, then regular, bed rest) and ended up getting induced at full term, so it does happen. Keep drinking lots of water and thinking positive thoughts for those babies! And I was in a similar boat with losing all of my prep time. Diapers, car seats, swing, pump and bottle stuff, and get Amazon prime.
lhh
Congratulations! Keep cookin!
Immediate TJ--worth it to get married?
This is a really good perspective. If we didn’t get married, we would be doing the commitment-for-life-without-making-it-legal thing. Some of the reasons you listed are the reasons we are planning on getting married in the first place…and then when I actually started seeing that oh, we will be paying a lot for this, I started wondering, hmmm, how important is the legally getting married part to me?
I think the whole including the friends and family part is important. We are not religious and would never have a religious ceremony, so the main point for us is really acknowledging that we are commiting for life….especially before trying to have kids.
Thanks for the comment!
wildkitten
I have very similar concerns about marriage to the OP and while I think I want to be married before I have kids and before I buy a house I don’t think it’s advantageous to me to get married before I am ready to do those two things.
snowy
I would think mostly about the next of kin healthcase-wise, spousal benefits (social security, military, etc) and estate taxes. I think these are three cases you can’t “contract” as you said in your OP.
SoCalAtty
A medical power of attorney / advanced healthcare directive solves the medical problem. Designate them as your “go to” person and it works just the same as if you are married.
If you are married, you can use that to take some power away from your spouse, too. For instance, in the event I am declared to be permanently vegetative, I’ve given the power to remove treatment to my aunt – due to family history, I don’t want my husband on the line for that one and my aunt and I have discussed this at length.
Rosalita
But make sure this would be effective in what ever state you are in. In some states, the spouse could have medical decision-making power, even if the person has supposedly given that power to someone else.
Anon0321
I was in the “who cares if we get married, married life is going to be the same as non-married life cause we’ve lived together for ages” camp but post-wedding it was incredible to see how many people were so excited for us. Even our elderly, gay (this was a few days before the doma decision) neighbors that we barely see gave us a big hoorah. Not that it matters a ton, but people do treat you a bit differently and all of the good vibes & congrats from people we though wouldn’t care at all was kind of really nice.
Anon
I’m not sure if this is what TBK did, but my husband and I are not legally married. We had a wedding, made the promises to each other in front of our friends and family, wear rings, and call each other husband and wife. But we didn’t register it legally. The reason we didn’t is the marriage tax penalty — we are both highly paid professionals, and the marriage tax penalty was going to hit us to the tune of $10K a year. (We would both have been bumped up into the highest tax bracket.) We decided to put that money into a special account for our (future) children every year, rather than being legally married. Five years in, and not being legally married has never made a difference for us.
SoCalAtty
I wish we would have done this. It hits us for at least $10k, maybe a little more. I could really use that money to put into savings or retirement…
ExcelNinja!
What is the marriage tax penalty? Not that I had a choice of whether to get married or not (well, I guess I could have left him behind in Canada…) but curious.
Diana Barry
+100. We did not think about finances AT ALL when we got married – it was an emotional decision. FWIW, we also have joint everything that is possible – house, all accounts, etc., and had jointed everything up before we even got engaged, and had no prenup.
Also, ditto to the posters who mention that splitting up property is much more well-determined when you are married, and the problems unmarried people can face with emergency rooms, health care proxies, living wills, etc.
Want To Get Married Paging TBK
TBK, when you say “But have you considered getting married without getting legally married?” what do you have in mind? We love our rabbi. Could he do something that falls short of “by the power vested in me by the state of X, I now pronounce you husband and wife?” Or am I missing something here that people do. This might be a real option for us: older, will not be having kids, kids and difficult former spouse, complicated finances (I am the OP on the weekend open thread). Thanks!
Anonymous
It wouldnt technically be getting married but I think you could do a committment ceremony.
anon-oh-no
if you dont have the marriage license then its not legal..
For example, we had to get our marriage license after the fact and make it legal then because there was a little snafu with the county in which we had our wedding and not having the proper documentation required for a license in that county. we obviously went ahead with the planned ceremony and reception — in said county — and then went after the fact to they county where we lived — and had the proper documentation — and did the legal part of it.
Want To Get Married
So would the rabbi still say the movie phrase: “I now pronounce you …?” Or would he say something else? (How I explain this to relatives in Israel is a whole other issue.)
Marilla
The rabbi could simply do the religious ceremony without filing out the legal documentation, I would think. Although he generally wouldn’t say the movie phrase of “I now pronounce you” anyways as that’s not part of a Jewish wedding ceremony :) I don’t think your relatives in Israel (or anywhere else) would even really need to know… there would be a wedding, with an officiant, and pictures, and cake. They won’t ask, so did you fill out the marriage license form??
anon-oh-no
we used a judge, but he said the same thing. So my guess is that he would say the same thing, you just wouldnt do the paperwork. so you would be married in the eyes of the church, but not the state — no marriage and no signed marriage certificate = marriage is not “legal” per the state i think.
Rosalita
You would still be “spiritually” married, and married according to your family/cultural traditions. Its just that no one would sign the legal document and file it with the state. So the legal part wouldn’t happen.
As for relatives in Israel, I don’t see why they would need to know the legal part didn’t go through. I’d only tell very close relatives, on a need-to-know basis. (And the “need-to-know” would have to do with mostly estate planning and end of life planning.)
TBK
I’m thinking of what same-sex couples do in states that won’t let them marry. Some call it a commitment ceremony, but others just call it a wedding, wear rings, say vows, and call each other husband or wife after the ceremony. Or what some friends of mine have done when there are legal reasons to get legally married either before or after the wedding date (e.g., immigration issues, deployment, etc.). (There was a poster on here a few weeks ago who was very much opposed to having weddings at a time other than legal weddings, but I really don’t see the issue.) Whether your rabbi would be up for this or not, I don’t know.
Mpls
Just be careful if you are in a common law marriage state (I think there are about 9 or 10 of them left). If you hold yourself out as being married, then after a certain amount of time, the state will treat you as legally married.
mascot
At least for the child tax credit, wouldn’t you be phased out for income reasons if you filed jointly?
There are some legal advantages to being married in my state, including the ability to receive one years support from the estate, the presumption of next of kin status for healthcare situations and post-mortem access to records. You will have to stay on top of all your legal documents to make sure the wishes are properly recorded and you will need to understand the limitations of what the documents can and can’t do (e.g. a power of attorney ends upon the death of the granting party). Married couples need to do all of this too, but if they don’t, the law makes assumptions for them.
For us, marriage is both a religious and a secular commitment that we wanted to formalize.
mascot
Also, TBK did a very eloquent job of capturing what that commitment means. My husband and I would say pretty much the same thing.
pickle
This! Check out the tax code – many tax breaks phase out before you hit the combined income level of two DC-area federal attorneys.
If you plan to file separately, keep this in mind when you update your tax withholding. You’ll have to select “married, but withhold at higher single rate,” and figure out what ADDITIONAL amount you’ll have to withhold from each paycheck because the “married filing separately” tax brackets are different from the “single” ones. I did not do this and got an unhappy tax day surprise.
OPM is talking about rolling out a “self plus one” health insurance option for the federal government in 2015. Until then, feds save money by keeping separate insurance policies. If you’re married, you can get added to your spouse’s insurance outside of open season if you lose or leave your job.
I have only been married one year, but I have noticed that married people get more respect at the workplace and in society. My female boss has agreed with me.
Sydney Bristow
Pickle, thank you for mentioning the tax withholding! I hadn’t thought about that yet.
pickle
* Note that I think the respect premium is silly and unfair.
Killer Kitten Heels
Marriage was more of a long-term calculation for me – right now, we’re not really taking advantage of the financial benefits, because we earn roughly equal amounts and have kept our own health insurance, but in the future, that may not always be the case. One of us could lose a job and need the other’s health benefits, or one of us may (actually, probably will) “lean out” when we have children, and will need the other’s financial support in other ways.
Additionally, although this part’s sad to think about, if one of us passed away unexpectedly or had a health emergency, spouses are presumptive next of kin, while live-in partners are not. I know you could theoretically “contract around” all of these issues (except the health insurance thing), but setting up all of those contracts would rack up some legal bills, and even with things like power-of-attorney in place, there’s a long history of unmarried partners having trouble in places like hospital emergency rooms, with staff erroneously denying partners access to one another because they’re not “next of kin,” sometimes in spite of legal documents.
Lastly, you’re more protected if you do split up – there are clear legal rules about divorce, and clear protections in place in the law for a spouse who, say, becomes a SAHP in the event that the marriage dissolves. While some states have some provisions to protect/help live-in partners who are unmarried, it’s a much lengthier legal process, and, again, would require significant legal bills, without the same guarantees.
Want To Get Married
Just want to say that we contracted around practically everything, and it was not a big deal. We each name each other executor/rix of our wills (leaving everything to our own kids/siblings), we are each other’s power of attorney if incapacitated and for health care decisions, and we have a cohabitation agreement (mostly for the part that says former spouses cannot touch the other person’s assets or income, although it does also set forth how things would be divided in case of a separation as if it were a prenup). Many years going strong.
And yet there is something about standing under the chuppah in front of a rabbit and friends and family, as TBK describes.
TBK
I kind of would like to see a wedding officiated by a rabbit.
Want To Get Married
Oops. :)
Senior Attorney
Regarding those legal “protections” that come with marriage, if you are the higher earner, those “protections” will not work in your favor. At least in community property states, if you are the higher earner and your divorce, you can count on losing half of what you accumulate during the marriage, as well as paying spousal support and child support. The laws that were designed to protect stay at home moms who supported their husband’s careers don’t necessarily yield just results in all cases. Just sayin’.
Killer Kitten Heels
SA, I’m sorry about your divorce, but if your H was the lower earner, he gets protections. That was my point – that it cuts both ways. (Hence the use of the gender-neutral “spouse.”) Whether you think that’s “just” or not, the fact that you’re unhappy with the outcome of your divorce isn’t really a strong argument against marriage-the-institution, to me.
Anonymous
+1. The system does still “yield results,” just not necessarily in the woman’s favor anymore. The higher earner may be resentful for all the same reasons as ever before, but the logic hasn’t changed.
Marilla
Well, except that traditionally the protections would have been for a stay-at-home wife who gave up her career to support the husband’s career and raise their children (this is what my divorced MIL did, and she recently re-entered the workforce after being out for 35 years). If a male spouse stays at home and forgoes career progression/earnings to do the same for a female spouse, then the outcome is the same, just gender-swapped – the court recognizes the years of unpaid work put in by that spouse by awarding support payments. Which many people would agree is just (although many high-earning men don’t agree and do their best to get out of such a support arrangement, from what I’ve seen). But if you have a male or female spouse that doesn’t follow that path but just chooses to remain un- or underemployed and is basically living off the other person’s efforts without contributing in some equal way, then it’s understandable that someone in that situation would feel there are some perverse incentives built in or that they have been wronged by a system they expect to be just.
Senior Attorney
Thank you, Marilla.
Traditionally, the wife would stay home, raise the kids, do the work of the household, and generally make it possible or at least easier for the higher-earning spouse to earn those higher wages and support the whole family.
In some cases, the lower earning spouse (a) still earns quite enough to support himself, if not to the level of the higher-earning spouse or the joint standard of living, but (b) more to the point, not only didn’t support the higher-earning spouse in all those non-economic ways, but was himself supported in all those non-economic ways by the higher-earning spouse, all the while making the higher-earning spouse’s life and career harder, rather than easier, every step of the way.
To me, it seems unjust that, having enjoyed a higher standard of living during the marriage by virtue of the higher-earning spouse’s income (to which he did not contribute, but rather which he made harder to achieve), the lower-earning spouse now expects to continue to share in that higher income post-divorce.
I understand that not everybody feels that way, but I do think it is reasonable for someone who could conceivably be in that position to consider how it would feel to her should it come to pass, and whether she wishes to take steps to avoid it if it wouldn’t feel good to her.
abogada
I’ve also seen the situation where 1 spouse stops working to take care of the kids with the share expectation that the time off will be temporary, but then the stay-at-home spouse doesn’t go back to work and the working spouse has not agreed to that arrangement. The trouble in the marriage continues, finances are limited due to only one income, and eventually the marriage breaks down. The stay-at-home spouse ends up getting maintenance in addition to child support, and the working spouse is bitter because he/she had to support SAH spouse during marriage despite wanting SAH spouse to get a job and SAH spouse refusing. Now, because of SAH’s unilateral decision to not work, which was a significant cause of the breakdown of the marriage, SAH spouse gets maintenance for several years (maybe even permanently) from the working spouse, and the working spouse never wanted to carry the SAH spouse even during the marriage.
Different people can have different opinions on what should happen in that scenario, but it’s another one to consider if you are the higher-earning spouse or the one less likely to “lean out” when kids come along.
Anonymous
I mean they are still protecting the lower earning. Sometimes that will be a stay at home mom, sometimes a stay at home dad or husband/wife who took on more of the home burdens to support the higher earning spouse. Still just, just because the higher earner loses more doesnt make it unjust
Senior Attorney
Again, that assumes the lower-earning spouse took on more home burdens to support the higher-earning spouse. In my case, I brought in 2/3 of the money AND did 100% of the house stuff. (And yes, I was kind of an idiot.)
So perhaps you can see how it smarts a little to be on the financial hook as though I’d had a SAH spouse helping me all these years.
Anonymous
But SA, you CHOSE to stay with him “all these years.” I mean, wouldn’t the amount he was entitled to be a lot less if you hadn’t stayed with him for decades? If he was lazy and under earning and unsupportive throughout your entire marriage, why would you stay for decades? You harmed yourself on this one – it’s not the court’s fault you allowed a loser to hang around a mooch off you for decades, and the rules need to be crafted to protect the majority of people – i.e., the stay at home moms and dads and others who “lean out” on the assumption that spouse will care for them financially throughout their lives – not the select few who stay married to leeches far past all reasonable, common-sense limits.
I get why you’re unhappy, but you’re the cause of your own unhappiness here, not the court.
Anon
In think anonymous above is a little harsh, but I think the point is valid. Men have been paying low earning wives (even ones without kids) alimony and a % of assets the low earning wife contributed nothing to attaining, for a really long time. In a marriage with an unemployed or low earning wife, after years and years of marriage, and a high earner husband…that husband was going to be on the hook for alimony and a % of assets, regardless of whether there were kids.
It bugs me when women seem to think equality means “we get the good side no matter what.” No. It means if you’re the high earner, you are gonna lose more in the divorce. It’s been like that for men for awhile, whether there were kids or not.
I see women all the time in my work who are mad that they have to pay a lower earning husband alimony, because he’s a MAN so he should have to support himself. But if the same numbers were applied to the reverse genders, they’d be fine with alimony for a woman. I think it’s ridiculous.
Senior Attorney
As I said, I have been all kinds of an idiot.
However, show me a woman who is self-supporting but who in the marriage has been a low earner, not lifted a finger at home, and expected the higher-earning man to do all the domestic chores, and I will show you a women who, in my view, should not get any spousal support.
My original point, however, was not whether the laws are fair or unfair. My point was that if you think you will be the high earner, your liabilities after a divorce are something to keep in mind when deciding whether to get married.
Senior Attorney
And FYI, I didn’t stay with him for “decades.”
Just sayin’…
Want To Get Married
SA: Totally with you on this!
I heard once that in France, when you apply for a marriage license, you have to select either “State marriage contract” or “”Our own marriage contract, aka pre-nup” because that forces people to realize that they are entering into a contract and that they can either negotiate their own terms (pre-nup) or let the state negotiate the terms for them (default under the law). I don’t know if that’s true, but I think it is brilliant. Too few people — IMO, and readers here are clearly the exception! — think about marriage this way. I believe that if more people did, there would be fewer surprises at the back end, which would lead to fewer laws that are meant to protect people but often end up punishing others.
Ellen
Yay! Splurge Monday’s! I love Channel and this Jacket, but my dad has FORBID me to spend on any new clotheing without his approveal, b/c I gave away the puffey down jacket they bought for me last year w/o telling him, even tho it was for a GOOD CAUSE (NY CARES).
As for the OP, Marriage is NOT an economic decision. I agree that there are some thing’s economic that may be better if you are NOT married, but you must look at it as a COMITMENT of 2 peeople to each other, and to have sex and children w/o any limitation’s that would be there if you were NOT married. That is why we all get MARRIED.
Unfortuneately Divorce happen’s even if we do NOT think about it or ignore it up front. If you have any reservation’s about the guy, do NOT marry him.
I posted late over the weekend about staying with a guy who does NOT want to work or even look for a job. Mom confirmed that there are MEN in her neigborhood that loaf and troll around for housewife’s to have sex with while their spouse’s are out bringing home the paycheck. FOOEY!
Do NOT marry a guy who does NOT want to work. That guy is a looser, and you do NOT want for him to be MR MOM, b/c he will be lookeing for unhappy housewife’s to have sex with. DOUBEL FOOEY ON MEN LIKE THAT!
If you realy love the guy, marry him but ONLEY if he will be an EQUAL PARTNER! YAY!!!!
Susedna
If you’re going to have kids with this person, you’re pretty much stuck to this person
for the next 18-21 years of your children’s lives. And, genetically and biologically speaking, forever. So you might as well get married to take advantage of the legal clarity (that others describe), as well as some of the psychological factors (if they matter to you.)
I can understand not wanting to marry someone if you don’t plan on having children, want to avoid the marriage-tax penalty, or want to avoid being on the hook to pay support to him/her if the other person makes less but the marriage blows up, but….
if you’re going to have children, logistically, you’re kind of ALL IN anyways. You might as well get married.
AIMS
This may get lost in all the other comments but some additional food for thought that hasn’t already been mentioned:
1. You say your SO is considering getting an advanced degree in five years or so. If you are married and esp. if you’re supporting him during, you may be entitled to a portion of his enhanced earning potential as a result (typically 1/3).
2. Depending on how your employer based insurance is structured, you’re right that it may be cheaper to maintain separate insurance plans rather than one family plan, and you can definitely do this whether you are married or not. Once kids are in the picture though, this probably won’t be the case since one of you will still need to get a family plan. Also, if he is not working while he goes back to school he will probably benefit from going on your insurance for that time.
3. You can contract most everything else except estate taxes (though you can ease the burden with jointly owned property with rights of survivorship), SS and disability benefits, work benefits that don’t transfer to domestic partners. Also, it does require more effort to do things this way (not that there aren’t also benefits, but you need to constantly think a few steps ahead).
4. As for the other poster who wanted to get married by a Rabbi without the legal aspect – beware complications! Depending on your state, having a religious ceremony and holding yourself out as married may estop you from denying a marriage down the line even if you don’t live in a common law marriage state. Ex. NY doesn’t have CL marriage and to get married you need 1) a license and 2) a ceremony. BUT, notwithstanding that you need both, if you just have a ceremony and you go around telling people you’re married, and then you split up in 5 years, your ex can potentially sue you for divorce and you may be estopped from saying “oh, but, hey it meant nothing, just a commitment ceremony.” Just something to think about.
Gail the Goldfish
Here’s a really morbid one that no one thinks about (sorry, it’s the lawyer in me): in New York (and I presume many other states), you have to be married in order to bring a wrongful death suit in the event of a spouse’s death. I don’t even think registered domestic partners can bring a suit in New York. I think it’s archaic and should be changed as a matter of public policy, but that’s how it stands currently.
Piberius
Ladies, what color leggings do you wear with brown leather boots? Is black a viable combo? The top, if it makes a difference, is a burgundy tunic. Thanks!
Killer Kitten Heels
As long as the brown’s not so dark that it could be confused for black, brown and black is fine, I think.
KC
Black sounds fine to me. You could also do navy, brown (to match the boots), or a deeper burgundy.
Rosalita
I wear black, or if I want to be more casual, charcoal gray.
(Former) Clueless Summer
Definitely black – I think that looks good whether the boots are brown or more of a cognac.
anon-oh-no
black would totally work, but navy would look great. I have a very similar outfit and i love the look of navy with burgandy.
Piberius
Thanks guys! I’ll give it a go.
Susie
Jeggings
Susedna
What’s the email address for the Boston area [this site] meet up?
I’ll be traveling there later this month and would love to meet up w/Boston3tt3s!
Thanks!
Miss Behaved
bostoncorpor3tt3 @ gmail (use e’s instead of 3s)
Courthouse weddings/eloping
Has anyone here gone this route and would you recommend it? For context, I’ve never been overly excited at the idea of a big wedding (especially not now that they’ve gotten so expensive). I also have various family issues (not super close with everyone, blended family, family out of the country, etc). that make me less inclined to throw a big wedding for family’s sake. The only thing I’m worried about is potentially regretting it in the future if I don’t at least have some kind of celebration where some family members and friends could attend. Anyone have any experiences to share?
Anonymous
There is a middle ground there. I think with all the wedding hype people feel pressured to get the DJ, favors, invite all the cousins. Do you have a list of VIPS that is manageable? Under 40 or so? I would get married and get a room at a restaurant. I think that can be done for a good price, and you are still celebrating your union.
Rosalita
I highly recommend the book A Practical Wedding. They have a website too, but I found the book much easier to digest.
FWIW, I had the big wedding, but I would have been fine with a smaller one. My hubby loved the big one. :)
BB
There was some discussion on this a week or so ago. Someone asked what went into people’s decisions not to have a wedding. I did a sort of elopement. We told everyone we were getting married, signed some papers at a courthouse, then went and did a 2 person “ceremony” a few days later. I consider the “ceremony” my actual wedding date. There is absolutely no way I will regret this in the future, although my mother gives herself anxiety attacks over the fact that I will regret it.
What I remember most from the last discussion on this is that you have to figure out how much of a “family” person you are. Lots of people talked about going through with weddings because it brought their families together and it was what their families wanted and they respected that. Neither my husband nor I are big “family” people. We love our parents and everything, we’re just very independent. For example, our Christmas involves going for lunch at his parents house and that’s it. We’d never consider staying overnight. When we travel to visit them, we stay in a hotel. If your values are different, you may end up regretting not having a wedding.
Bonnie
We had a sizeable wedding (about 100) but we wanted to have the whole family together. Consider a courthouse + wedding. Invite your closest family and friends, hire a photographer, and wear a fun dress. You could take everyone out to lunch or dinner at a restaurant and still have a wedding without spending the money for a big reception.
TBK
I’ve been to two weddings like this, and they were lovely. For one, I wasn’t able to get off work to be at the ceremony (since, obviously, the courthouse, unlike a wedding venue or house of worship, is open just during the workweek) but I did go to the dinner afterward. In each case, the bride wore something very beautiful but more subdued (a white c–tail dress for one, and an ivory sari for the other) and the dinners were laid back and intimate. There were a total of about a dozen people at each, including the bride and groom. I think it’s a great option.
abogada
In Cook County, you can reserve a time to get married by a Judge on a Saturday at the Cultural Center in Chicago, a beautiful old building that used to be the library. I’ve know a few people who married there. Maybe some other counties and states have something similar.
BigMed-court house wedding
Agree with other commenters. Have to decide your comfort level with degree of family involvement. We also have a lot of complicated family dynamics; no frank acrimony, but complicated. We decided that we would enjoy the day more not trying to manage all of the family issues and rather just celebrating our decision to formally/legally forge our own family (not a comment on whether legally doing so is necessary or not).
It also set the tone for how much extended family drama we were willing to tolerate in our own immediate family (none). We have never, ever regretted the decision to do it the 2 of us at the courthouse (although my mom was somewhat bothered/offended that she wasn’t there). We now have 3 kids and our 10 yr anniversary is on the horizon. We are thinking of throwing a big shindig for that in celebration of our marriage. Just seems like now is the right time. Ten years ago was not the right time for a huge event.
Anon for this Judge
I have performed multiple courthouse weddings and without exception they have been fun and warm and meaningful. Sometimes the parties dress up in wedding clothes; sometimes they wear shorts and flip flops. Sometimes they bring a bunch of family and friends; sometimes they ask my clerk to serve as witness. Whatever way they do it, it’s always wonderful. If I ever get married again, I’m totally doing it that way!
Sydney Bristow
We filed for domestic partnership a few weeks ago and I was amazed at the variety of people there getting married. Many people were completely dressed up with the women wearing short white dresses. I saw a few large groups with what appeared to be both family and friends. It looked like most of the rest were just the couple and one or two other people. The vast majority of them looked so happy and excited. It looks like it could be a lovely option if that is what you’d like to do.
Cb
I was a witness for a friend’s courthouse ceremony and was surprised and pleased at how meaningful and romantic it was. It was in Paris so definitely added some charm but it felt very intimate and meaningful with just a few people there. Although the French marriage ceremony is all about having / raising good little citoyen/nnes which is a bit strange.
Anon
Also meaningful and romantic in France because it is legally required if you want to be legally married. Your beautiful ceremony in a French church/synagogue/beach/chateau/etc. does not mean squat in the eyes of the state.
Anon0321
When I had to go pick up our wedding license @ the court house there were a couple couples getting married and it looked so amazing. They also had a farmer’s market going on outside the courthouse & there were lots of delicious looking pastries. Made me pretty jealous actually.
snowy
I don’t think you’d regret it, because you wouldn’t know what you were missing (if that makes sense). If you aren’t a big party/family/religious person, and your heart is not aching for a wedding I don’t think you’d spontaneously start wishing you’d done it later on in life.
That said, unexpectedly my favorite part of my wedding was getting all my friends together in one place – from my best friend I’ve known since I was 11 to my college sorority sisters and teammates to friends in my current hometown. I convinced people to come early (it was a destination wedding) and had such a great time hanging out with everyone, I’m glad I did the whole wedding thing just for the night before the night before my wedding, when we all partied at the hotel!
I think there was a thread on this site that bemoaned this fact – that a wedding is really the only time in your life you can convince everyone from around the world to come to your party. That’s the only thing you might regret, but as I say, you wouldn’t necessarily be aware of it, especially if you’re not feeling the “big party” aspect of a wedding to begin with.
lucy stone
My parents eloped when they were 24 and have zero regrets. They are now 60&61 and I managed to go 16 years of life without realizing they eloped, so clearly there was no longlasting family drama. Our best man and his wife were married by a judge with only immediate family and then had a casual backyard dinner with about 50 people. It was one of my favorite wedding receptions ever and I’ve been to over 50 in the last 10 years.
annoness
FYI my hubs and I love our family, but after seeing the amount that other cousins were spending on weddings ($25k), we decided to go for a courthouse wedding.
We had our cousin do the wedding and had some family come along. Then ate afterwards.
No regrets here. Pictures were taken, fun was had, some family was involved. That’s all that mattered because we felt that we didn’t need to throw a big bash to make our wedding official. Overall, the cost was around $500 and family brought some gifts and paid for dinner.
pickle
We had a small immediate family-only church wedding, and the two things I valued most were (1) the premarital counseling provided by our officiant, and (2) crafting our ceremony with my husband. These mattered far more than the location or the guest list (or lack thereof), and helped us make sure that we were on the same page in our marriage.
Anona
We did a courthouse wedding + dinner in a private room at a restaurant for 8 close family members. Everyone involved absolutely loved it. I wore a $100 sundress from Nordstrom, but splurged on a beautiful flowers and a fancy photographer. It was intimate and meaningful and lovely. Then we did a big house party to celebrate with our friends in the city where we live, a big barbecue to celebrate with my family in friends in my home state, and a garden party at his parents home to celebrate with his family and friends in his home state. The party tour got a little exhausting, but I’m glad we did it because we got to include so many people who otherwise never would have been able to travel to an out of town wedding. No regrets here at all!
Interrobanged
Yes! My husband and I eloped and I have never regretted it for a second. He was from the midwest and I was from the east coast; his family was huge while mine was tiny; and neither of us was religious. Combine those things with an offer from my dad to give us the money he would have spent on the wedding as a gift? Well, it was a no-brainer.
I was clerking for a judge at the time, so he married us in a quiet civil ceremony at the courthouse. We then drove up to Burlington, VT, for a three-day weekend/honeymoon. It was really wonderful. A few months later we threw a big party for everyone we might have invited to the wedding. It was very low-key and allowed people to congratulate us if they so desired. We specifically told people no gifts.
I have never been big on weddings. I don’t like attending them, I don’t like the mass consumption aspect of them, and I had never been one of those women who fantasized about my wedding. So eloping was an easy decision for me. I think that it was harder for my husband, actually, who had a very close relationship with his parents and who thought (correctly) that they would be hurt if we excluded them from our wedding. But – it was our decision and our wedding, and that is what we did. Good luck!
hoola hoopa
Five anecdotes:
We started that way, but the simple ceremony grew because we wanted to invite my family (who live very close) and then his family (because it would be sad/unfair not to), and then we’d still want to take them all (at this point, ~24 ppl) out to dinner. Then it seemed silly not to invite our local friends, and then might as well invite our out of town friends, etc. Basically, we followed that path until we stopped caring about what came next. We had a relatively simple and small wedding with ~75 ppl at a restaurant. Very little pomp and circumstance, but good food, music, and people we love. Didn’t cost much but traditional wedding standards. No regrets.
Friends planned a very small (them, parents, judge) ceremony at a park, but word got out and people wanted to come. They put on a more-the-merrier attitude and kept the same “wedding” plans but let anyone come. They didn’t even send invites, just group email. About 100 ppl showed up! They did change reception plans and hosted a taco bar + cupcakes at the park’s community center. It was great.
Friends eloped on a cruise to avoid having to plan and throw a wedding with their very acrimonious family. They were always torn between liking it and regretting it. They loved getting married while essentially on their honeymoon, but they were missed having family and friends in attendance more than they had expected. The unfortunate reality is that if they’d had a wedding, their family probably would have ruined that – so either way, it would be bittersweet for them.
Coworker got married at the courthouse, just her and spouse. Then they called local friends and family and met up for happy hour to celebrate. It turned into dinner and late night, but I don’t think they hosted. She loved, loved, loved it and felt like it was a good compromise between including people and not.
Whatever you do, let your parents know. If not in advance, let them be the first ones you call after. My mom’s friend found out that one of her sons had married months later in the grocery store when the father of her son’s friend congratulated her. That hurt.
Rosalita
+1 about letting your parents know. If you don’t want to tell them you’re planning to do it, that’s your business. But you should let them know first after it’s done. (I also have a cousin who went to the courthouse with her boyfriend and kept it a secret for two years. My aunt and uncle were devastated when they found out, and filled with self-doubt about why their daughter wouldn’t have told them initially.)
Courthouse weddings/eloping
Thanks so much, ladies. I got swamped with work and couldn’t follow the thread throughout the day, but these responses are all really interesting and reassuring. It doesn’t seem like anyone’s reporting regrets or saying the courthouse weddings they’ve attended have been terrible – I think it’s definitely on the table now.
Sarabeth
Just wanted to give one more data point – we got married at the courthouse with just our parents. Had three small receptions later (one each in my East Coast hometown, his European hometown, and the West Coast city where we were living at the time). Didn’t necessarily save a ton of money doing it this way, but it was way less stressful – we let our parents plan each of our hometown receptions and were really able to let go of worrying about the details of those in a way that would have been difficult for our ‘wedding.’ We paid for the reception in his hometown, my parents paid for the one in mine (they had previously offered to help pay for a wedding, so this worked out for our situation). And the reception in our own city was mostly for our friends, so that was able to be much more casual than would have felt appropriate to us for a wedding that our family would have been flying long distances to attend.
More than that, though, I’ll always treasure the memories of getting to spend all of my wedding day hanging out with my husband, and not having to worry about any of the stuff that goes into throwing a wedding.
Alice
Anyone up for vicarious shopping? I am looking for knit “tech” or “touch” gloves that will work with my iphone, hopefully in the $30 range or less, in black or camel or gray (neutral). And preferably not the kind with different-colored finger tips. I liked the ones in the link below, but unfortunately, only bright colors are available.
Alice
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-touch-tech-cashmere-gloves/3490905?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Yellow&resultback=2627&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-searchresults-_-undefined_7_D
BB
No recs unfortunately, but wanted to say thanks for that link because I was looking for bright, nice, tech gloves and these are perfect! Now to wait for my Nordstrom note to arrive so I can buy them…
DC Association
I got some Isotoner ones from Amazon – the WHOLE glove is touch-tastic. Meaning they have the metallic thread running thru the whole entire thing. They work perfectly.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00E8D77GA/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i02?ie=UTF8&psc=1
NOLA
Oh that’s awesome! Mine just have the index fingertip. Better than nothing but not great. Also, I have large hands so my fingers almost won’t go all the way in to the tip.
Miss Behaved
I have 5 or 6 pairs of these gloves:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0069TC4Q4/ref=wms_ohs_product?ie=UTF8&psc=1
You really can’t beat the price.
I keep a pair in every single coat I own
Small Town Attorney
You can also buy the conductive thread and add a few stitches to the finger and thumb pads of any knit gloves/mittens you already own (haven’t tried this myself).
Esquared
Amazon also has a glue called AnyGlove that does this, as a former east coaster, I thought it was pretty darn cool.
tk1
We did a Saturday morning courthouse with about 8 guests. It took 10 minutes and cost $50. Then we all went to a restaurant. I thought I would miss the big party, but I didn’t at all. But I am not a center of attention person in general and would have hated the whole having to pose for thousands of pictures make sure my guests are having fun etc. Weddings are for dressing up, drinking and dancing and I get my fill as a guest, no need to be a bride.
anon
CPA recommendations in NYC from people who’ve found one they like, find professional, and preferably have stuck with for a number of years in a high-earning career? Thanks!
Tuesday
David I. Weiss, CPA. (212) 695-5771. DH and I have been using him for 15+ years.
Miz Swizz
I read somewhere (if it was here, thanks for the idea!) that when trying to clean out your closet, you should wear each thing to help you decide whether to keep or donate it. Well, I started that today and the first item I put to the test is getting donated. It’s a little too short for work, even with tights, and it’s not doing anything for me. This exercise is kinda genius.
Cb
It is! I’ve also put the donate clothes in a separate wash pile so I can wash, hang dry, fold and donate them without having to remember what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to give away.
Bonnie
Most places wash donated clothing so unless something is smelly, you can skip washing.
Cb
Ahh, I assumed they did but wasn’t sure if it was poor form to donate unwashed (but of course, not smelly clothes). We don’t have a dryer and have the world’s bittiest laundry machine (oh Europe…) so that is a relief when we’re doing bigger donation purges.
zora
It depends on the place you are donating, you should check with them. Some smaller thrift places or shelter collection places don’t have laundry facilities and ask for clean and dry clothes only. Many are washing them again anyway, so you don’t have to. It is easier for them if you check to see what they prefer.
That said, Congrats!!! I’ve been so bad at actually getting stuff OUT of my closet and to the donation place. I think half of my closet is stuff I don’t wear anymore, eeekk!!
Cb
Awesome, will check. The advantage of the UK is that there are charity shops everywhere so I fill up a small bag and take it with me on the way to work. I can support about 10 different causes within about 50 yards of my bus stop.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I also try to enforce a policy where if I try something on one morning and I then take it off because it doesn’t fit or doesn’t flatter or doesn’t suit my style (except if it’s too big and alterable), I just immediately throw it in a donation bag I have in my closet. This has helped a lot – and it’s less work than hanging it back up so I actually do it! (Hanging up clothes is my least favourite chore.)
hoola hoopa
So obvious, but I have never thought to do this!
lucy stone
I did this with shoes last year and got rid of about 50 pairs – I wore a different pair every day for a month and if I couldn’t think of anything to wear them with or they were the least bit uncomfortable, out they went!
Esquared
A tip that I got from the Happiness Project that I thought was genius is @ the new year (perfect timing!) turn all your hangers backwards. Next 1/1 you will know exactly what you never ended up wearing. Helped me get rid of so many clothes this past year.
Bonnie
I like raw edge jackets but this one looks like it got caught in the shredder. It would be much nicer without the long hanging threads.
Anon
Question for the hive – how much do you advise following up when a friend sets you up with someone? I’m generally a pretty private person until there is real news to share but one of my closest friends is setting me up with one of her friends and I’m just not sure how much to share with her.
TIA!
kjoirishlastname
You can still be private about it–I would just say something like: “we’re meeting up for…..next thursday night–what can I expect from him?”
Then, a day or two after the date, I would just drop her a line to say that you all went, it went well/not well, and that you’re maybe going to see him again or not. You don’t have to divulge everything, but I would think she at least wants a little info.
emeralds
I would say, do what you feel is appropriate after having gone on the date. My standard line, if it’s useful, for people I don’t want to go into great detail with is, “Oh, Dude and I had a nice time at dinner. I’d be open to seeing him again [if applicable], but you never know about these things, so we’ll see how it goes! How was your weekend?”
S in Chicago
Ask him what he feels comfortable in sharing. On our first date, my (now) husband and I had an agreement that we would say things went well but keep everything else private going forward. It takes pressure off your friend if things don’t end up working out for one reason or another and avoids any outside involvement. The last thing you want is a relationship to start out where he’s hearing how you feel about things from someone other than you. After a few months if things are still stable, then I think it’s OK to “out” yourself as dating/exclusive.
Anon OP
Thanks ladies! I don’t know why I’m thinking about this so much but I’ve had a track record of awful dates over the last 6-8 months and my friend is so excited about this set up that I’m having a hard time keeping expectations (mostly mine) low
Susedna
I hope those awful dates weren’t also set up by this friend.
If not, it’s still a good idea to keep those expectations low. Friends sometimes have their own ideas about what makes a good match, so you might meet a person and have a normal (not awful, but not great either) date and think: “what in the world was my friend thinking that I’d have anything in common w/this person”? or, “I have ZERO spark w/this nice person who has the same interests as me.”
I hope it turns out to be a fun date, though!
Anonymous
I had a baby in early December. My employer is a small and doesn’t have a formal maternity leave policy in place. I didn’t know what to expect and was surprised when they said they would give me 3 paid months off of work. My husband and I have been going to Mexico every April with a group of friends for the last few years and I’m hoping to go again this year. My mom said that she would love to fly in and watch the baby for a week.
My employer doesn’t have a set number of vacation or sick days per year. Do you think it’s reasonable for me to ask for a week off of work in April to go to Mexico?
Diana Barry
Hmm. My first instinct is to say no, three months paid is a LOT for a small place. When I had my kids at my (also small) workplace, I just took the last week or 2 of my maternity leave as a vacation, then I didn’t have a vacation for the rest of the year – because I had to use all my vacation for leave. They may be assuming that you will do the same.
If it were a week in November, I’d say that might be okay, but not in April.
Anne Shirley
Not reasonable. I think taking a week’s vacation so soon after maternity leave looks like a lack of dedication. It would go over extremely poorly in my office.
tesyaa
Is there any way to go to Mexico right before the end of your leave, like late February?
Anonymous
Well, my husband and I could but our group of friends isn’t able to go until April due to work schedules.
Sadie
Well, one alternative would be to go to your employer, basically saying we have this vacation planned in April but I do not want to take advantage of your extremely generous leave, so would it be possible to come back from maternity leave a week earlier than planned and take that last week in April?
Anonymous
This is what I think I would do if I really wanted to go on the trip.
Senior Attorney
+1
I hate to see you miss the trip, but I agree it’s extremely poor form to take a week off so soon after such a generous maternity leave.
rosie
I think that even if you think your office might be ok with it, I would not do it. I would want to save whatever days I had left for sickness (either mine or the baby’s)or the occasional long weekend or errand day.
Brant
If Mexico is really important to you, perhaps offer to take it unpaid. I agree that if you’re coming back from leave at the end of Feb and will only have been back for a month before wanting another week of paid leave…that’s something that might push my buttons as a small employer that was trying to do the right thing with maternity leave.
Just my $.02. A lot of this would obviously depend on how long you’ve been with your employer, your overall rapport, how much vacation time others take/ the general attitude toward vacation in the company, etc. etc.
Fiona
Would it make a difference to your answer if your work had, say, 15 vacation days a year? I agree that it’s unfortunate timing but think it would be worth negotiating…
Carrie Preston
Ah, I’ll be the voice of dissent here – having kids is a part of life and I don’t think you should have to be a martyr for the rest of the year after that just because you took maternity leave. If you usually take an annual trip, I would do it again. That said, I think this is a know-your-office situation as there are clearly others who think this is a big negative. In mine, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all.
Anonymous
Thank you all for the feedback! I’ll let you know how it goes and what is decided.
not ashamed!!
Totally getting this budget under control. Thanks girls!
I am owning this…we were in such avoidance mode that we didn’t look at 100% of all mail, completely, for months.
So, in going through all of this last night, we found our XM radio subscription renewal. We found that we were getting charged for an account for a vehicle we no longer have (and haven’t had for a year or more!)
So, I took care of that this morning. I handed the budget worksheet off to him this morning after I filled in the majority of our assumptions, and he is to return it to me.
This week, we make changes to our direct deposit to both funnel money to cover ALL of the bills out of one account, and use that account for nothing more.
My plan is that we pay the bills as usual this month, but also filter every last available penny to that account to build a cushion before beginning the automatic payments.
I went grocery shopping yesterday, which will get us through the next 4-6 weeks for dinner–we will have to replace produce & milk, but all of our dinners & son’s packed lunches will be taken care of for at least another month.
I just bought gas for the Element yesterday, so that should last at least another 2-3 weeks too.
We’re in good shape, and we’re going to do this. We still have some outstanding medical expense debt, but it will be easy to take care of.
I honestly think that just setting the accounts up to auto-deposit and auto-draft is simply going to change our lives.
Thank you, girls. I will continue to report.
Cb
Well done! It’s tough but definitely worth it.
We’ve been tracking our finances and made a tough decision regarding our money pit of a car. We realised we can sell it, save the money spent (minus bus and taxis) and make a sizeable down payment in 18 months when we have a better sense of our finance and needs.
Woods-comma-Elle
Hurrah! Well done, I was reading the post with interest and I’m glad you’ve managed to take the proverbial bull by the horns. It will all be ok, getting organised and budgeting is most of the battle! Keep us posted on how it goes!
Diana Barry
I missed the weekend thread, but wanted to recommend Mr. Money Mustache to you if you need or would like a little tough love. Once you have your income and expenses all written down, the people over there will REALLY give you a boost/kick re: cutting your expenses in order to maximize your savings.
Anne Shirley
Second. They’re mean and scary, and I fundamentally don’t share his goal of early retirement, but I’ve really changed the way I think about my spending from lurking around there.
In Rem
Did you see his last year’s expenses,posted today? Scary!
Sydney Bristow
Great job! You mentioned that you found the XM renewal information, which makes me think you found that specific paperwork. I’d suggest pulling out the last 4 months of statements for each of your bank accounts and credit cards and reviewing them all. It might take awhile but seriously go through them and make sure you recognize each of the charges. There may be other recurring charges that you haven’t realized.
not ashamed
Yep–that is what hubby is doing today on his end.
I pulled my statements, and remembered that I have a cook’s illustrated online membership ($35/year) that has already auto-renewed. And, that I thought I was paying for Google storage space (I was…) but they changed their policy so that the current low-plan users just got bundled back up into the free 15GB plan. So, no more paying google! Other than that, our two magazines are gifts from relatives, and we’ve both just been racking our brains (and poring over the statements) to make sure we’re not missing anything.
Someone suggested to funnel 100% of the monthly bills into the bill-paying account plus a contingency percentage. What do you think–2%? 5%? There will be a cushion in the account before we start paying the recurring bills, but I feel like the contingency is always a good thing to have.
I already feel a weight lifted.
Sydney Bristow
I aim to keep between $500-1000 as a cushion in my checking account. I don’t have anything on auto-pay but my fear is that I’d miss tracking an expense. There are only 2 expenses a month that are over $1000 so I’m comfortable with my cushion because I’m unlikely to exceed it with a random expense I’d forgotten to track. It might be useful to keep a cushion equal to whatever your highest expense is just in case.
KLG
Same here. We try to keep $1000 cushion in checking.
Anonymou$
I think it depends on the amount of the bills and the variability in them. I know for us, all of our bills are completely fixed (we’re on balanced billing with the utilities, and have unlimited cell plans, meaning no “surprise” charges there), so our cushion’s on the low side (around 2% – basically we just round every bill off to the nearest zero when adding things up – i.e. if a bill is $104.63, we’d round that to $110 and split it). If there’s more variability in your bills month-to-month, I’d err on the higher side, at least until you’re more confident that everything’s getting covered. Given your past, it sounds like you have a tendency to underestimate in general (hence the overspending problem), so maybe try erring on the higher side as much as you can until you’re sure everything’s under control.
GlobalEmily
In addition to keeping a cushion in my accounts, I found a free Google spreadsheet template “Daily Spending Budget calendar” (I can’t access it at the moment but will try to post the link later) that allows you to enter all your expenses and spending on the date it happens or is projected to happen. It is set up like a calendar and the formulas then show you how much money you will have in your account on a given day. I find it is very useful to help me make sure there will be enough in my account to cover upcoming expenses. Although I also use LearnVest to monitor my accounts and progress with regards to my overall budget, this spreadsheet gives me a much better picture of where things stand.
In Rem
While you’re on a roll, call your insurers. There is often big money to be saved on the big stuff, and you need to call & ask for a better deal or check around other places.
R
And call your cable/internet. They almost always will knock $20-50 off per month, if you ask. We call every January, just to ask, and have always gotten SOME kind of discount.
Miz Swizz
I wanted to throw in my congrats. My hubby and I did a big budget sit-down a few months ago and I think the scariest part for me was to write down everything we spend money on. Now that we’re a few months into it, I realize it’s not that hard to live within our means, we just need to be thoughtful about how we spend our money.
So good luck and keep us posted!
Susedna
Awesome progress! So happy to hear that you and your husband are taking the necessary steps and working on this collaboratively. :-)
A4T
Congrats!!!
lawsuited
Your post sort of reminded me of this:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Your groceries might not last you 4-6 weeks, and your plan to save every extra penny might not pan out this month, but the key is to pull yourself up and recommit when it goes awry. Slow and steady win the race.
You can do it!
not ashamed
That is an awesome cartoon. It is often how I feel like my life ends up–as witnessed by our financial chaos.
You’re right about us needing to plan for the worst, which is in part why I started doing meal-planning back in August. Every month or so, I fill in a dry-erase calendar with our meeting dates, and then plan dinners sporadically throughout the month. I plan for 15-20-ish discrete meals over the course of 30 days, and so far, it has inevitably lasted longer than that. Filling the calendar usually lasts 6 weeks for us because of eating leftovers, deciding to do PBJ for the kids, etc; unforeseen meetings/dinners with friends. I feel pretty certain about this timeline, having practiced it now for 5 months. But, the truth is, it’s hard to tell 100%.
All of our utilities are on the budget plan, so the expense is concrete, rather than variable.
And I paid off another bill today!!!
But, you’re right–I think our collective head is in the right place, and we’re committed to making this work.
(In part, it’s a bit selfish because I want to take a big fat trip for our 10th anniversary in the summer 2015. The only way to make that work is to save & pay cash. Period. So, if I want to do it, we have to save for it!)
Thank you thank you all for your tips & support. Friday was humbling for me, and you girls were fantastic in terms of helping me to see the poor decisions we had been making. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it will be hard work, and probably pretty awful for the first few months while we track every expenditure and don’t spend on anything that is not directly related to LIVING.
So, thanks. From the bottom of my heart.
DC traffic help
DC area ‘r e t t e s — I need to be in Rockville at 7 pm Wednesday. I will be driving from Adams Morgan/Mt Pleasant (unfortunately Metro will not work out). Trying to figure out how early I will need to leave to get there with a few minutes to spare. Thanks!
Ringgg
Hmm. I have driven to Rockville before, but never during rush hour. My guess is it would normally take about 30 minutes from Mt. Pleasant, so I would budget at least an hour. I’m interested to see what others have to say. Would you take Conn. up to 495, so then you’re driving on the outer loop until you get to 270? I think (not positive) that the outer loop is less traffic-y for the evening rush than the inner. But if I have it backwards, I think you could take River Road to 495. Not sure if there’s a way to avoid the beltway? Maybe Rockville Pike? Sorry this raised more questions than providing an answer!
DC traffic help
All good questions, thanks for raising them. We are very close to 16th, so the easiest way to the beltway is straight up 16th, but going through downtown Silver Spring could be bad. I will look at G maps this afternoon to see real time traffic, and I will try to figure out which beltway loop is worse, that’s a good idea. I also think that the outer loop may be better during evening rush.
Ginjury
You can should actually check Waze online. Because it’s user updated, I’ve found their estimates to be far more accurate.
DC traffic help
Thanks for the tip!
Silvercurls
Rockville Pike on a weeknight can be hideously choked with and significantly slowed down by traffic. Ditto getting out of DC during rush hour via Wisc. or Conn. Ave.
My understanding is that the outer loop is not less jammed than the inner, because that’s the route taken by all the people returning from Northern Virginia (which would rule out taking River Road to 495 to 270). In theory the inner loop is less jammed, but not always. I’ve often had clear sailing from Georgia to 270 and then had a horrible slowdown on 270 from 495 to Exit 4 (Montrose).
I’d budget 1.5+ hours and listen tonight & tomorrow to the traffic reports during the time that you’ll be traveling. Good reports on WTOP 103.5 FM on the “eights” and WAMU 88.5 FM during All Things Considered (approx :03, :19, :33 and :49 past the hour). Final warning: My timeline is generous but probably not insanely so. I always allow too little time and end up fuming at myself in traffic.
DC traffic help
Thanks. I was already thinking of leaving by 5:30, maybe aiming for 5:15 would be better. If I could take more time off, I would probably go up there early and go to some of the specialty grocery stores and not be anxious about getting there on time, but I don’t think I will be able to do that.
Bonnie
Depending on where you’re going in Rockville, avoid 270. I think it gets more jammed up than 495. You can take Connecticut up to Viers Mill and avoid Rockville Pike too.
DC traffic help
Thanks, I’ll look at 270 and alternatives traffic as well.
DC Association
I live in DC (14 and Florida, basically) and just last week drove up that way and left at 4pm – we were going to Cabin John Ice Rink which is just behind Montgomery Mall. So not all the way to Rockville, but close. We finally got to the rink around 4:45. Normally it would only take 25 minutes via our normal route of going upCanal Road, and then the beltway and 270 (Democracy Road exit, the first exit on 270). There was so much traffic, even at that early rush hour time.
I think leaving at 5:15 to be there at 7 is a bit generous…but, better safe than sorry. Definitely leave no later than 5:30. One accident, and you’re toast.
Anonymous
Does anyone know the tax implications for having a company pay for getting an advanced degree? My company may sponsor me for a degree program that is close to $200k over two years. (Insane, yes.) I have hard that this is taxable but do folks know if that is true and if the amount is treated as just normal income?
Anonymous
IRS PUB 5-B (2014):
Educational Assistance
This exclusion applies to educational assistance you provide to employees under an educational assistance program. The exclusion also applies to graduate level courses.
Educational assistance means amounts you pay or incur for your employees’ education expenses. These expenses generally include the cost of books, equipment, fees, supplies, and tuition. However, these expenses do not include the cost of a course or other education involving sports, games, or hobbies, unless the education:
•
Has a reasonable relationship to your business, or
•
Is required as part of a degree program.
Education expenses do not include the cost of tools or supplies (other than textbooks) your employee is allowed to keep at the end of the course. Nor do they include the cost of lodging, meals, or transportation.
Educational assistance program. An educational assistance program is a separate written plan that provides educational assistance only to your employees. The program qualifies only if all of the following tests are met.
•
The program benefits employees who qualify under rules set up by you that do not favor highly compensated employees. To determine whether your program meets this test, do not consider employees excluded from your program who are covered by a collective bargaining agreement if there is evidence that educational assistance was a subject of good-faith bargaining.
•
The program does not provide more than 5% of its benefits during the year for shareholders or owners. A shareholder or owner is someone who owns (on any day of the year) more than 5% of the stock or of the capital or profits interest of your business.
•
The program does not allow employees to choose to receive cash or other benefits that must be included in gross income instead of educational assistance.
•
You give reasonable notice of the program to eligible employees.
Your program can cover former employees if their employment is the reason for the coverage.
For this exclusion, a highly compensated employee for 2014 is an employee who meets either of the following tests.
1.
The employee was a 5% owner at any time during the year or the preceding year.
2.
The employee received more than $115,000 in pay for the preceding year.
You can choose to ignore test (2) if the employee was not also in the top 20% of employees when ranked by pay for the preceding year.
Employee. For this exclusion, treat the following individuals as employees.
•
A current employee.
•
A former employee who retired, left on disability, or was laid off.
•
A leased employee who has provided services to you on a substantially full-time basis for at least a year if the services are performed under your primary direction or control.
•
Yourself (if you are a sole proprietor).
•
A partner who performs services for a partnership.
Exclusion from wages. You can exclude up to $5,250 of educational assistance you provide to an employee under an educational assistance program from the employee’s wages each year.
Assistance over $5,250. If you do not have an educational assistance plan, or you provide an employee with assistance exceeding $5,250, you must include the value of these benefits as wages, unless the benefits are working condition benefits. Working condition benefits may be excluded from wages. Property or a service provided is a working condition benefit to the extent that if the employee paid for it, the amount paid would have been deductible as a business or depreciation expense. See Working Condition Benefits , later, in this section.
Anonymous
To summarize –
Does your employer have a formal education assistance plan? If not, then all amounts over $5,250 per year would be taxable compensation to you.
If they do not have a formal education assistance program, maybe you could help them in developing one before you receive this generous benefit.
Anonymous
Also, I don’t know how large and/or sophisticated your employer is but it’s the employer’s responsibility to include this taxable benefit in your W-2 wages. They might happen to overlook this reporting requirement which would benefit you (GREATLY).
NbyNW
That seems like income tax fraud to me and I wouldn’t be part of that – blindly or knowingly – in a million years.
Anonymous
Uh, no. You would have the responsibility to request a corrected W-2 showing the income, or report the income anyway even though it doesn’t match your W-2. Are your chances of getting caught lower if they miss it? More than likely. But that doesn’t mean you legally get a freebie.
Also, the above summary is wrong. You make it sound like No EdAP=taxable to the extent benefits are over $5,250, and Yes EdAP, nothing is taxable. It should be No EdAP=all benefits taxable; Yes EdAP taxable to the extent over $5,250 (per year).
AnonNY
I have a very similar program with my employer (thanking my lucky starts).
Anything over $5,250 is taxed and is included as gross income for tax purposes.
AnonNY
*stars
Decorating Help
Does anyone have any online recommendations for places to get fun, printed sheets at a reasonable price? Its for a queen sized bed in a baby’s nursery. I’d like a fun, bright pattern to go with the cheerful theme of the room and I’d love a website that carries an assortment of fun bedding. Doesn’t necessarily have to be geared toward children (I’d rather it not be, in fact).
Cb
I got an awesome, colorful graphic print at PB Teen. Might be worth a look.
Decorating Help
Thanks. I looked at PB and PB kids and didn’t find what I was looking for, but I haven’t looked at PB Teen!
kjoirishlastname
I would try the discount stores like Ross/Marshall’s/TJMaxx. They usually have nice stuff, sometimes unique.
Ikea, oddly enough, has really cool linens too. If you have patience, Overstock.com sometimes has cool stuff.
In the Pink
Check out Crate & Barrell’s sale site as well as Crate and Barrell loft-focused site which is CB2.
I really like their scandinavian inspired ones as they are vivid, to say the least.
You might also look at Bed/Bath/Beyond on line.
anne-on
Land of nod perhaps?
MJ
Garnet Hill, The Company Store, Macy’s, BB&B
Boden
Have any size 14/16 ladies tried Boden? I am looking at their work dresses in particular. Any comments on fit?
Also, for ladies of any size, any thoughts on quality for the price — is $220 for a wool dress or blazer worth it? Thanks!
lucy stone
I am larger than that – a 16WP in dresses at Talbots, generally a 20W in their pants, for reference. I have one size 16 dress from J.Crew I still fit in but I couldn’t sit in it anymore without fear of exploding like a burst sausage. That being said, an 18L from Boden in anything other than a sheath fits me well with minimal need for alterations. I own a few dresses from there now, although they were all purchased on sale. The stuff seems to be well made (equivalent to Talbots, better than Ann Taylor or BR) but I personally wouldn’t pay full price for it. I would think you could fit in a 14 at Boden without a problem. Their sheaths run a big snug on me, but everything else fits great on bottom and is large on top.
KT
The site has all of the garment measurements, so you should be able to get a pretty good idea how something will fit. If you carry weight in your hips/thighs, you’ll likely find the dresses don’t work for you. Likewise, the dresses won’t work if you’re long waisted. The “long” length is just extra fabric in the skirt – not cut for tall people.
The prices are worth it for fabric and finishes in the tailored pieces. I haven’t been able to find similar quality blazers at that price point. You should wait for at least 15% plus free shipping before buying – in fact, I’d try calling customer service to see if they have a code you can use.
Romey
Happy Monday ladies!
Question for you – is there some sort of online program where I can virtually design the interior of a house? I know pinterest is handy but instead of pinning pictures of full rooms, I’d like to “pin” individual items onto one board. The attached link is an example of what I am thinking of:
http://www.interiorsbythinkdesign.com/images/E-designboard1.jpg
Thanks in advance for anyone who can provide a recommendation of a website to use!
A Nonny Moose
Polyvore is exactly what you’re looking for. They were traditionally for outfits but have recently added interior design categories.
Romey
Thank you so much! God I love corporette – you ladies are so helpful always!!
How to Help During a Breakup?
My brother is going through an excruciating situation with his SO (former SO?). First they postponed the wedding, then she called off the engagement. They are still living together (unfortunately they bought a house together last spring), but she is deciding what she wants out of a relationship. How can I help him? We’ve talked/texted a bunch, and I am going to visit this weekend while she is OOT. With booze. Just wondering if anyone has other ideas for how I can be helpful.
eagon
Help him pack up her sh*t and dump it all on the front yard? (Kidding!!)
Susedna
Be as kind to him as possible; spirit him away to do activities that he likes.
Your word choice “but she is deciding what she wants out of a relationship” makes me think he dodged a bullet by not marrying this SO. Although he might not be able to see that now. She sounds dreadful.
She dropped two atom bombs on him (postponing the wedding, then calling off the engagement) and she’s still “deciding what she wants”? That sounds so selfish. If you went that far with someone in a relationship, unilaterally deciding what’s convenient and great for you while the other person is processing the shock of the two bombs and being “kept on hold” is cruel.
Olivia Pope
I agree. A broken engagement would be better than marriage to this person in the long run, even though it must be so painful for him right now.
DCR
Be available to talk about it (if he wants) and make sure he knows your available. When my brother’s long-term SO dumped him last year, he really needed someone to talk to and be a sounding board. As opposed to women, men don’t talk about their feelings with their friends (or at least his friends don’t).
Other advice is to spend time during things to take his mind off it. Go to the movies, snowboarding/hiking, whatever he likes
How to Help During a Breakup?
Thanks! We have talked a lot – 2 hours just last night. He did express that he was tired of talking about it and that things were getting quite circular. I’ll aim for some talking if he wants it but also distraction this weekend – hiking is an excellent idea.
I agree, she is dreadful. I used to really like her, but this whole “deciding” thing is BS. I won’t get into all of the details, but she is actively flirting with someone else while supposedly making this decision.
Bee
Ok well the active flirting thing definitely changes what I was going to say. That’s BS. But breaking off an engagement (by itself) doesn’t make her a bad person. Obviously she SHOULD have been 100% about marrying your brother before they got engaged, but there’s nothing to be done about that now. If she has serious misgivings now, then the only honest thing to do is to call off the engagement. It’s hard to empathize with a person whose actions are hurting someone you love, but maybe if you keep that in the back of your mind it will be easier to not trash talk her to your brother. Which leads me to my first piece of advice – don’t trash talk the maybe-soon-to-be-ex! It’s not constructive and it’ll hurt your relationship with your brother if he and SO work things out.
If the subject comes up and he wants to talk about it, help him to see that he doesn’t have to be a passenger in this situation. He has a decision to make too. He has every right to tell her, you know what, if you’re not sure about us rightthissecond, then there’s nothing for you to think about – it’s over.
How to Help During a Breakup?
The site ate my reply. I’m being careful of the no trashing talking thing, bc I’ve been on the reverse of that when I got back together with someone after people told me how they REALLY felt and it was horrible.
Really, more than anything, I’m listening as he talks things through. I do like the suggestion of encouraging him to be less passive, because the current thing of him just being on hold is not fair. Maybe it is just cold feet.
Despite what I’ve written here, I did/do like her and can empathize, but the way she is handling this (at least through my protective-sister-colored glasses) seems massively immature.
R
Similarly, encourage him to think about what he NEEDS from the relationship, if it does continue. If she decides to come back, how can he feel comfortable trusting her again? Does he need them to attend counseling together? Does he need something else in the form of reassurance? Does he even need his own deciding period, once she comes back with her thoughts? What does he think will happen if he proposes again in two years? Would he need HER to be the one to propose? And would there be a timeline of “s**t-or-get-off-the-pot?
I’m a bit of a pushy sister, so even though he may not want to talk in circles, I would still ask the above questions (he obviously wouldn’t have to answer me) and offer to be a sounding board if he needs to talk through.
preg 3L
Hi ladies. Baby & law school TJ!
I’m one month away from my due date and trying to make sure I have everything ready, because my last semester of law school starts today. DH & I have packed our hospital bags, set up everything for the little one, and ordered those last few things from our baby registry (including exciting things like diaper cream). DH ordered the br3ast pump through our health insurance and they said they’ll process that one month before my due date (so, today) and I should receive it in a week or two I think. I have plans to get as much homework as possible done in the next month, and I plan to freeze some meals. Any other baby prep you’d recommend?
Also, law school question. I unexpectedly got off of the waitlist for a 4-credit (daytime) course, which I could take instead of two 2-credit (evening) courses. Either way, I would have one final exam. Pros: the two 2-credit courses would be MUCH more useful. Cons: one of the 2-credit courses has a midterm that cannot be rescheduled on Feb 24 and I’m due Feb 12. It’s only 10% of the grade but I’m concerned about having a very tiny baby and trying to take a midterm. What course(s) would you take?
Thanks!
jc
Sounds like you are ahead of the game! Way to go.
As to the 4 credit course – I know these are usually super time intensive and more days a week (I’m thinking income tax or bankruptcy). I would think this would be more of a strain on you since its during the day (when baby is probably awake more often) and would cause you to have to do more homework. 10% midterm doesn’t sound too bad (is it a class where you could pull out a B+ without much effort?) and its in the evenings when hopefully DH could help out more. In my experience, 2 credit classes, even if you are taking two of them, tend to be easier than a 4 credit class. Just my opinion! Good luck.
Sadie
I don’t know…I’m also a 3L in my last semester (YAY US!) and I have found 2 credit classes to be as much work as 3/4 credit classes. In other words, in my experience, 2 2-credit classes would be WAY more work than one 4 credit class. This wasn’t the case in undergrad but has definitely felt the case in law school. So, I guess it depends on your school! I’m assuming you’ve taken both types of classes before, so I would take whichever combo you think will be less time intensive.
kjoirishlastname
Get all of your laundry done–including all of the linens that may be piling up (for me, sometimes we wait a few weeks to get a full laundry load of towels, and do them all at once, rather than once a week or so)
Get familiar with your infant car seat–know how to use it, how to install it, all that stuff. I’m a stickler when it comes to that, so I will hunt you down if your baby is improperly restrained.
Do all the things now that you would want to do before having your baby–get your hair & nails done, and whatever other salon services you incur. Meet with friends, go out, all that–while your baby is infinitely portable.
As for the law question–just remember that your due date (unless you have a scheduled delivery) is just a guess. My first was 2w2d LATE. So, he had a due date of May 5, but came May 21. SO, you could be having a baby on Feb 24 instead of taking an exam. Conversely, you could have a baby tomorrow, and then, have a one-month-old by the time that exam rolls around…So, no real advice on which to take–sorry.
ANon
I was 10 days late for my first…and I would NOT want to be sitting for an exam 4 days post partum (I didn’t want to sit at ALL! :) )
Em
Consider adding some “nice to have but not essential” items to your baby registry – people will want to buy you stuff after the baby comes too.
anon
I’d second the sentiment that in my experience, the amount of class work required had little-to-no relation to however many credits the class was worth. I think with my first kid there is no way (NO WAY) I’d be in any sort of position to do a midterm so soon after birth…and that assumes baby is born somewhere near to his/her due date. Ha–my first was 8 days late. So I’d counsel the 4-credit class.
As for prep–speak to someone who has had a kid and will get TMI with you about what she needed post partum; I recall with my first there were a lot of small items (pads, witch hazel, heating pad, approved OTC pain killers) that I ended up needing immediately. Figure out how the pump works when it comes so you can use it if you need when your milk comes in. Have any potential specialists (like a lactation consultant) contact info at the ready in case you end up needing a little help. Have your pediatrician information lined up, too. And if you can, find friends in your classes to get you notes so you could (to the extent possible) keep up. Sleep!!! (if able to–at the end I am never able to get a lot of rest in).
Good luck! You can do this–a co-worker at BigLaw had her daughter in March of our 3L year and she was able to swing it (take the summer bar and start on time in the fall).
CKB
Don’t forget a mild laxative.
wildkitten
I’d take the 4 credit class.
preg 3L
Thank you all for your input! This is really helpful… as always :)
eb0220
I think everyone has covered the baby advice pretty well. I just want to say that I think you are amazing for getting through law school pregnant and eventually with a newborn! I finished my dissertation 2 weeks before my first baby was born and that was plenty for me! So I am sending you some major momma props!
LilyB
My bf suggested I run home from work to get some exercise in in an efficient way- I usually walk home (it’s about a 30 minute walk) so might as well run- thus getting home earlier and also burning more calories than walking. But the logistics are annoying me. The days I plan on running home I’ll bring my running clothes/sneaks, and leave everything else at the office, which I can then bring home with me on days I’m not running home. But I can’t figure out a good system for carrying my keys/money home with me when I’m running. Any suggestions? I have wristlets (the coach/D&B variety) but I feel silly running with that in my hand.
preg 3L
Well, you could get a fanny pack… JK. I’d look into an arm band and just take your phone, a credit card, your id, and $20 on your run. Keys: I put a hair elastic around my key ring and then put it around my wrist, so that it mostly just hangs in my palm while I’m running but if I let go, it won’t go anywhere. You could also tie them to your shoelaces or find running shorts with a key pocket.
cbackson
Running backpack. I used to run home from work a couple of times a week, and they’re perfect. Mine is actually big enough to fit my work clothes (although typically not shoes), as well as keys, wallet, smartphone, and other small items. It fits close to the body, between the shoulder blades, and doesn’t bounce around. I got mine at REI. You’ll want to try on a couple to make sure the fit is right for you.
Anonymous
yes, a running backpack or a camelback-type thing with pockets. I was worried that it would bounce around and annoy me, but it really doesn’t. I have one from Nathan that has a 2L water reservoir and pockets big enough to hold keys, my cell phone, gu, a few tissues, and basically anything else that you could ever need to run with. You probably don’t need that much water, if any, for such a short run, but it may be nice to have something with a water reservoir in case you want to start working up to longer distances.
Moon Moon
I am avid about pockets in my running gear for this reason. I use Nike (or other sports brand) running leggings, which have a pocket on the back waistline.
What I will normally do is hold my iphone (with headphones) while I run. I actually like this better than actually putting it in the pocket because I feel that my headphones get less tangled. I put my credit card, ID card, drivers license, etc. in a very small wallet — one of those that is really just the size of a credit card and flat, you can get them at jcrew in the mens section — and put that in the pocket, and I tie my housekey on my shoe in the laces as I leave work. I have a loose extra key just for the purpose of running actually, so I don’t always have to take it on and off my keychain.
If I don’t have a pocket I put my credit card wallet in the side of my sports bra. Kind of gross, I know.
Moon Moon
Just as another comment, take it from a city runner that at all times, I always run with a credit card or cash. I never know when something will happen where I will need to take a cab home (feeling unsafe, injury, spontaneous thunderstorm).
anon-oh-no
where is your BF located? I’ve actually done this before and my husband would just take all of my stuff home with him.
Otherwise, on my regular runs, I use this thing that goes around your waist to carry my phone/music, some money and my key. Its kind of like a fanny pack but its flat. Ill try to find it and post a link.
anon-oh-no
this is it — its called the flip belt and i love it.
http://flipbelt.com/
LeeB
I have a Flipbelt and love it too!
Aggie
I love my flip belt too! And it is reflective which is great for winter evenings/afternoons.
rosie
Related question. If you walk to work and run home in a colder climate, do you just leave your jacket (from the morning) in the office, wear a different jacket the next day, and take both home that night?
As to the original question, I would put things in the pockets of my running jacket right now, since I would need to wear a jacket, and then if I was enjoying running home by the time it was no longer jacket weather, I would buy a running backpack like cbackson described.
lhh
I have a lululemon top with a large back pocket that you could put a wristlet in:
http://shop.lululemon.com/products/clothes-accessories/tops-long-sleeve/Base-Runner-1-2-Zip?cc=12280&skuId=3524813&catId=tops-long-sleeve
zora
look up Sprigs. They have them at REI but i’m sure other places. It’s a little elastic zip wallet that goes on your wrist. They have a larger size big enough for smartphones now, too. I don’t run, but i use mine for traveling when I don’t want to be carrying a bunch of stuff.
Clementine
SpiBelt. It’s a stretchy mini fanny pack that fits my iphone, some cards/cash, some of those energy chews for 8+ mile runs and keys but is very slim in profile.
Susie
There are cardiovascular benefits to running, but walking x miles vs jogging x miles doesn’t make a big difference in calorie burn. Ie, jogging burns more calories per minute, but you would jog for less minutes then walk. So if calorie burn is the main factor and walking is logistically a lot easier I’d just keep walking.
But to answer your question, I usually just run with stuff in my hands, or occasionally a zippered pocket if it’s not too bulky.
LilyB
good point- I guess I’m also trying to improve my cardiovascular fitness so running seemed like a good option- and I’ll probably try to work up to running home plus doing an extra couple miles.
Bonnie
If it’s a 30 minute walk, you’re not going to burn many more calories running so consider whether it’s worth the hassle. I use this type of belt when I run http://www.amazon.com/Nathan-Runners-Waist-Pack-Black/dp/B0000ANG1E/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1389637052&sr=8-5&keywords=running+belt
The pocket is big enough for ID, phone and keys but not so big that it shifts while running.
snowy
I agree that 30min walk may not be worth the hassle… That’s maybe a little over a mile, unless you’re walking super briskly.
I used to run home (4.6 miles) w/ just a regular north face backpack, with only my keys/wallet/cellphone in it, so it was super light. The only annoying thing was my shirt would sometimes bunch up underneath it.
I rode my bike one day w/ two sets of clothes, wear one set of clothes that day, then would run home, run back in the next morning and wear second set of clothes, then bike home. repeat. There was a convenient shower at that office, though.
LilyB
thanks for the ideas, ladies!
TBK
Not to jump all over Preg3L’s post, but can anyone tell me sort of the opposite of her question — We have absolutely nothing done in preparation for the babies. I was at 19 weeks when it all got turned upside down and we didn’t have the heart to do anything after that. Now that we’re coming into the clear, we’re both like “oh sh*t we might actually have two babies to bring home in like six weeks!” Besides car seats, what are the things we 100% need to have before we bring these guys home? Since we canceled my shower, I think we’re planning to have a baby party a little later (probably with the babies on display, if they’re up for it) and I’m sure we’ll get some gifts when the babies arrive, but what needs to be in our house now? (And, seriously, besides a couple of cute onesies my MIL bought, we have nothing at all for these kids.)
kjoirishlastname
car seats, somewhere for the babies to sleep, and some clothes for them to wear. Diapers (if you’re doing disposables, and you’re having twins, you’ll definitely want Newborn size–maybe even a small pack of Preemie size). That’s really ALL you need. Some niceties: a swing/bouncer/vibrating seat. Seriously saved us with both of our kids.
A pump if you plan to nurse, plus bottles & freezer bags. Nip cream (Lansinoh is the gold standard, but the Medela lanolin is easier to apply–not quite as thick & goopy)
A baby monitor with 2 receivers is lovely, especially if you plan to have kiddos sleeping somewhere other than your room. That way, you can have a receiver in your bedroom, plus one in some part of the house where you usually hang out.
Gripe water or Mylicon. Babies get gassy, regardless. It’s very safe, and can often help dispel some of the “why are you crying??!??!?!” Infant tylenol.
A moby wrap, ergo or similar. Baby Bjorns aren’t the best option because they don’t position baby well. They basically suspend the baby by his spine, with no support to the hips. A wrap or an Ergo will keep baby in kind of a frog position, and support the butt & lower back. There are stories of hip dysplasia and other injuries with Bjorn-type carriers. Basically, if the legs are dangling, it’s not a good thing. Baby’s legs should either be tucked, or basically straddling your body–not hanging down.
A bottle brush, drying rack and microwave sanitizer for pump & bottle parts
Burp cloths–those flannel receiving blankets are perfect. But not for swaddling because they’re way too small. You will want to have about a dozen of these.
Something to use to swaddle–either a big square flannel blanket (about 32-36″ square) or a SwaddleMe or whatever it’s called. The Aden + Anais blankets are nice too, but for cold-weather babies, they may be too light.
Diaper bag big enough for a nursing cover, extra diapers, an extra sleeper for each kid, nip cream, butt cream, wipes. I ended up using our diaper bag as a purse while I had babies small enough to need to carry it all the time. We went through several iterations of bags, and each had advantages & disadvantages. I think the ones I ended up liking the most were the Lands End & LLBean ones. I did like the ones that looked more like messenger bags than handbags, though. But that’s my personal preference. DH also didn’t mind carrying them, so there’s that.
A stroller or car seat carrier frame
Hmm…
Anita
Great list. Order many more diaper wipes than you think you could possibly need. You will use them for everything (butts, faces, spills, milk on your shirt, etc). Also, you’ll probably want baby-friendly detergent handy (we use Dreft, but any fragrance-free type will do). Get ready to wash lots of onesies!
Aggie
Kirkland’s wipes from Costco and any fragrance free laundry detergent (we use Tide Free and Clear).
Oh and if your washer is showing any signs of age, it is a great idea to schedule a repair call-tune up. A $50 scheduled maintenance could save you from a $200 emergency call. You can live without a dryer, but a washer is essential.
Sarabeth
God, yes. My washer broke 10 days after my daughter was born. Not an experience I’d recommend.
kjoirishlastname
the collective wisdom here is astonishing! Love it!
it’s a question of policy, but you’ll need to decide if you want to use paci’s or not. We used them with both of ours (our 3-year-old still has one for sleeps), and I do believe that they saved our sanity.
As for books, if you’re going to bre@stfeed, “So That’s What They’re For” is an awesome resource. Some folks like the Womanly Art of BFing. Another funny/enjoyable read was The Milk Memos–it is basically a collection of notes written back and forth from women utilizing the same pumping room at their job at IBM
I used the Lansinoh disposable bre@st patds, and went through several per day. They were the most absorbent, without looking like you’re wearing maxipads in your shirt.
Anonymous
I would say that the main categories are eat, sleep, clothe, bathe, pee/poop and transport so:
Bassinet or rocker thing (crib later)
accouterments for breastfeeding (bra, storage bags, nipple covers, pump?) or bottle feeding
plastic bath thing and towels + soap
diapers + creams, etc
car seats
Enough clothing so you are not doing the wash every single day, but probably not as much as you think you need.
mascot
kj’s list is good. Also, you live in civilization and civilization has stores (some even 24/7) so if you absolutely need a basic at some crazy hour, you can get it. That really helped me not freak out that we didn’t have every conceivable supply stockpiled like a doomsday prepper.
If you haven’t heard about the magic that is Amazon Mom and Subscribe and Save, read up on it. Getting diapers and baby supplies delivered regularly is awesome.
anon-oh-no
also, diapers dot com. you can basiclaly get anything you need for the kiddos (and now with all the sister sites, for anything you need in life) delivered to your home. its really not more expensive than target, and shipping is free (if you spent over like 40 bucks, which you always do) and super fast. like, 2 day shipping. sometimes less.
kjoirishlastname
I will add that they have fantastic customer service. They had a huge sale on cases of formula (for us, it was tricky because my son has a dairy allergy), and they say shipping is free. When I entered my zip for shipping, it said that it was unavailable. I called the customer service number, and they said that since the formula wasn’t in the closest warehouse, they couldn’t guarantee 2-day shipping. I didn’t care. They gave me a discount, and shipped. It arrived in 3 days.
If you’re really picky and savvy with comparison shopping/coupons and such, better prices can be found (but you can mail in manufacturer’s coupons to get credited to your account), but there is something to be said for stuff arriving at your door when you’re juggling a baby.
saltylady
Exactly. I was in full prepper mode, but it was just a manifestation of the larger anxiety. If I buy ALL THE BABY THINGS everything will be ok.
That said, I really liked those all in one baby footie pajamas with all the snaps. Keeps them warm, easy to change diapers in. Agreed on the swaddle– my kids were big into that. It helped us, too– when you hold them at first, they’re so wiggly. I liked wrapping them up a bit- made me feel more comfortable.
Also, some of that lanolin nipple ointment. (I had a rough go of it with the nursing the first time).
anon-oh-no
even better than the one with snaps are the ones with a zipper. when you are changing diapers at 2 am (or anytime for that matter), its so much easier to just zip up instead of having to do all of the snaps. target has the ones with zippers.
and for when they are really young, I liked the gowns b/c you could just pull it up quickly. though, FWIW, they never really worked with my son but we used them with my daughter until she totally outgrew them. same isle in target as the jammies with the zippers.
Diana Barry
YES, the carter’s ones with zippers are AWESOME.
Anon
Hey TBK, not sure if this what you’re interested in but I created an Amazon wish list for my BF who is due in a week. It was easier to do than an exhaustive email. I included recommended baby gear/things and comments (I’ve got two kids and am expecting my 3rd). It was a list of main items to get through the first year or so based on my experience with my kiddos (sequential; sorry, no special twin expertise). I included categories (like, get a playmat) and mentioned my thoughts on specific brands to the extent I had them; also included a lot of book recs, which are obviously less necessary at the get-go. If you have an email I’d be happy to send it your way.
–Another pregnant lady who’s happy to hear things are looking up for the babies and you, and sending good vibes for healthy gestation to all us expecting ‘r e t t e s
Brant
take-out menus. comfy pjs and a bra/nursing tank/shirt with some support that you can wear for 2-3 days straight :). nip cream and heat/ice packs (I loved the lanisoh purple petal things…discovered them in a teary, bloodied nipple state of disarray after being home for 12 hours). A water bottle- i found i was completely dehydrated.
From the sound of it, you may not deliver v@ginally…but if you do, remember that a Boppy doubles as a nice soft cushion for your very sore ladybits. DH laughed at me, but I carried that thing around for the first week home and sat on it EVERYWHERE.
I would also add that if you have pets, make sure you have a baby gate set up outside the nursery or outside your bedroom area. The first few days home were really rough on our dog (he missed us, had no idea what the loud yelling squirrel sized thing was, he wanted our attention, his routine was totally disrupted, etc) and we needed to make sure he didn’t get too curious around the baby. We put the baby gates up early (a few weeks) to practice with the dog.
saltylady
Hell yes on the take out menus and pj’s/sweats. I think sweat/lounge pants a couple sizes up from normal (or maternity) would be awesome and I seem to remember wearing some 24/7.
kc esq
I have twin babies. The things I needed within the first few months:
double snap n go (they didn’t even fit in the regular stroller until they were bigger and my guys were full term)
tons of bottles — but you’ll probably want to test which ones you and your little ones like best (if you’re going to formula feed, it’s a no brainer and if you’re going to breastfeed twins, you’ll probably end up pumping to build your supply)
tons of burp cloths (you can just buy plain white cloth diapers b/c they’re super absorbent)
blankets
baby hats
a swaddle of some kind x 2 (I liked the miracle blanket or swaddleme)
sleep sacks
2 Fisher Price rock n play sleepers (b/c you need to put the babies down)
diapers, wipes, A&D ointment
clothes (sleepers and hoodies are the most useful, in my book, but you won’t know what size to get until they’re born — have a few and only a few newborn size thing on hand)
Seriously, I think that’s all the necessities for the first few months.
Anita
The Rock n Play saved our sanity! Also, we were big fans of the Miracle Blanket because our guy busted out of every regular blanket swaddle we tried.
kc esq
A few more things to get:
a humidifier for the room the babies sleep in
a white noise machine to help them sleep (not the “Sleep Sheep” because it turns off too quickly)
Nancy P
Don’t worry, you don’t REALLY need that much stuff the first few days. I would add:
Diaper pail
Changing pad and some place to put it on
Chuck pads (search on Amazon for chuck pads — they’re disposable pads to put on your changing pad so that you don’t have to wash the cover every time a baby makes a mess during a diaper change, which will happen 3x a day in the beginning — seriously love these)
If you’re having boy(s): Vaseline and gauze for the circumcision site
Baby thermometer
Bibs — if you have a baby that spits up a lot you’ll appreciate being able to just change bibs instead of the whole outfit
Anon
If you’re having boy(s): Vaseline and gauze for the circumcision site
Not everyone who has boys will need this. Just sayin’.
mascot
Fair enough, but you’ll know in advance of having a boy what your feelings are on this and that will decide if you need supplies on hand.
Anon
Fair point :)
kjoirishlastname
Epsom salts. Cold packs–if you have a “conventional” rather than surgical delivery
I’ve had both, and the one piece of advice I got that was worth everything to me was to use a pillow (like a small, firm-ish throw pillow) to brace against your abs if you have a c-section, whenever you’re going to get up from sitting/lying down; laughing, coughing, sneezing and the like. Just hug it to your body, and it hurts so much less.
If you have a “conventional” delivery, epsom salt sitz baths are THE way to go–even if you don’t tear, it will still help everything shrink back down to normal. For what it’s worth, my “conventional” delivery was just as painful (I had a 3rd degree tear) as my c-section, just in a different anatomical location. In some cases, it was much worse. Some, much better.
TBK
What’s super awesome about twins is that you can decide to try a v delivery, get one baby out, and find out the other one is stuck and so off you go for a c-section! Still think I’m going to try for the v, just because of all the benefits, but I will be so p.o.’ed if I wind up having to have both.
Anonymous
You’ve gotten so much good advice. Only thing I’d add if you’re going to nurse is a pumping bra (really just a bustier with two strategically placed holes that holds the pump flanges and stuff to your b**bs so you have your hands free to type or do whatever). Signed, someone who is wearing one right now.
Anonymous
I just bought one of these, but I’ve seen tutorials on how to make one with an old bra or sports bra.
kjoirishlastname
I bought a super-cheap sports bra and just cut slits in it. Yea it required me to pretty much fully str!p from the top down, but aren’t you kind of doing that when you’re pumping anyway?
hoola hoopa
Since I believe you live in a city, technically speaking, you don’t need anything in advance because the hospital will provide everything you and babies need while your there – probably 3-5 days minimum. DH or family/friends can run out and get whatever you need during that time.
In hospital:
In addition to personal care items and change of comfortable clothes for you and H, I liked having my boppy.
To leave hospital:
Car seat
Outfit for each kiddo (like footy pjs) to leave the hospital, plus blanket if it’s cold.
FYI, the hospital will send you home with at least a day or two supply of diapers for the kids and for you.
First week at home:
Snacks, preferably that you can eat one-handed. Lots of snacks, frozen meals, and delivery menus.
Menstrual pads (I prefer Always Overnight Longs for post-partum bleeding)
For vaginal birth, stool softeners and water bottle – but I assume you’re having a c/s with the twins.
For b-feeding: Boppy (and “nursing stool” or something similar if you’re short)
For bottle-feeding: Bottles, formula or pump, bottle warmer (or electric tea kettle)
Diapers, wipes, diaper cream
A sh*t load of washclothes and prefolds (burp clothes)
For singleton baby, 7 comfortable outfits (again, I like footed pjs), so maybe a dozen for twins.
Swaddling device. I strongly prefer muslin blankets, but whatever works for you.
Half dozen baby blankets. They will get puked and pooped on.
Place for baby to sleep
Place to put down baby: bouncer, rocker, etc. I also recommend having a travel version in the bathroom.
Baby carrier. Ergo, ergo, ergo. You’ll want two.
Snack. Seriously, snacks. You’re going to live on bananas, apples, yogurt cups, and granola bars.
hoola hoopa
Anonymous above reminded me that if you’re going to be nursing, plan on just wearing nursing tanks, so you’ll definitely want those – including at the hospital.
hoola hoopa
Lanolin, too! I’ve tried every cream under the sun, and lanolin is magic. If you’re nursing, you’ll want it at the hospital. Apply after every nursing session for the first couple of weeks.
Ringgg
These suggestions are all great. TBK, I think you might still be on bed rest, but if you’re able to send your spouse or a friend out, I’d recommend the Buy Buy Baby down in Springfield, VA (just by the mixing bowl). I was there this weekend and they had a lot more in stock (and more organized) compared to the Babies R Us I went to. We also did a Target run, which was helpful for all the postpartum stuff people recommended above (epsom salts, pads, loose pants, nursing tanks, etc.). I’m going to take an inventory tonight so I can figure out what we still need to buy – if you want me to send you my list of “essentials,” let me know.
IT Chick in MN
I’m horribly late to this thread, but in case you stop back. Sign up for Amazon Mom. My sister says this was the best decision she made with her second. Once you decide you need something, it arrives in two days. Also, the ability to have diapers and wipes and toilet paper magically appear on your doorstep.
Mint question
Looking for suggestions from other Mint users (I am otherwise very happy with Mint, so not looking for suggestions of other sites/programs).
I previously did not have an FSA or HSA with my employer, so all of my copays were paid out of pocket with after tax money. I have budgets for “Doctor” and “Pharmacy” on Mint that I use to track this spending.
As of this year, I have an FSA. The amount now coming out of my paycheck should cover almost all of the doctor and pharmacy copays. How do others track this on Mint (note: my FSA provider does not have Mint linkage)? I know I could just delete the budgets and have both lower income and lower expenses with the same net effect, but I like being able to track that spending within Mint. Has anyone found a way to do this, maybe using a split for my paycheck and adding back an amount, and then tracking the expenses with manually-entered transactions?
wildkitten
Mint has a “reimbursable” tag – does that help?
it's only 2:00 pm
I am so tired. I wonder if my thyroid is wonky again…
I am seriously considering crawling under my desk to take a nap!
I have a staff report to write…various and sundry other things…and all I want to do is go to sleeeeeeep.
help! But the good news is that I have Friday & Monday off!
Legal eagles....?
You guys have helped me so much…. I posted previously about my father, who recently had a manic break. Your support was great. I also recently posted about my father’s female “friend” who has a severe anxiety/eating disorder who might be moving into his house. What good practical suggestions you had.
I need some advice on late in life marriages for my father. He is 71 and severely disabled. He is asking someone to marry him who is 10 years younger who is also mentally ill and in a poor financial situation. She appears to be agreeing, on the condition he support her for the rest of her life. She also does not want to be his caregiver.
As I posted last month, my father recently had a manic break, after a lifetime of untreated mental illness and a terribly unhealthy/poor/sad childhood. My father desperately needs counseling, but refuses. Depression/anxiety is also a huge issue, and some OCD. It has been so stressful keeping things together throughout this… he can be brutal… but I have much empathy for him as he has had horrible experiences in his life.
He is now on an anti-psychotic medication and an anti-depressant and more….. , and his mood is more stable, but he still is emotional, unpredictable, demanding, and has poor judgment. He is also sad, lonely and desperate. He has many very serious medical problems (including severe neurologic injuries/lung/immune system problems and many more…) in addition to his psychiatric problems. I manage his house in addition to my apartment (a few blocks away), do his shopping, make his meals, assist with basic finances, manage his medications, take him to all doctor’s appointments/therapy etc….. He can do most basic ADLs with reminders and will forage for food in the house when left to his own devices.
Since my mother died almost 3 years ago, he has been desperate for female companionship. He has also since revealed that he had a long secret relationship with a younger woman years ago…. when my parents were separated. He never told us anything about this (we kids all lived out of state) and even lived with her/supported her for years!! Now he admits it was unstable, but she was “good for him”. He was an explosive personality back then. However, he reunited with my mother 15 years ago, and this other woman moved out of state. My parents’ marriage was tumultuous in the early years, partially due to my Dad’s untreated mental illness, and possibly infidelity by my mother. They were stable the final years, yet both were filled with denial and regret.
After my Mom died, my Dad invited the old friend/woman to come “visit” 2 years ago. She flew cross country and arrived at his house with 2 huge suitcases and no return plane ticket. We were surprised to say the least, as we didn’t know she existed until that point. It was unstable, and dysfunctional….. Turns out his friend has a severe anxiety disorder, an eating disorder, and is a self-described “borderline hoarder”. She wanted to stop having people coming to the house (ex. cleaning woman). It was a struggle for my brother and I to figure out how to get my father his care, while not intruding on their “relationship”. There were also some explosions between them, and ultimately they each withdrew in different rooms of the house until she left a few months later. It was bizarre, and was left unresolved. It was unclear how much they communicated after that.
Skip to now. My father has become mentally more unstable over the past years, and was manic over the past 2 months. Apparently he spent more time calling this woman from his past, and I think asked her to marry him. At least he screamed to me once in a manic rage he was planning to do this. He has calmed down a little on medication, but it turns out he is quietly emailing her and begging her to return. And he just told me yesterday she is coming soon…. No details have been revealed yet.
I see the writing on the wall. His friend is unemployed, and trying to apply for disability for her psychiatric issues without success. She tried to email me twice over the past 6 months to ask about his medical problems/instability… which was very uncomfortable. I replied with polite emails, but kept his privacy. He probably would be furious if I revealed anything… She will come I think.
I am mostly terrified that a bomb is being dropped in my father’s house and that soon I will be taking for two mentally ill and unstable people. I actually look at both of them as desperate, scared people…. who are lonely. Each is “using” the other. But each is an adult and has the right to make their own decisions. He is legally competent. If we even suggested challenging this it would destroy the family and he would definitely lock us out. Everything is a compromise…
What will the legal ramifications be if they get married at this stage in life, with her unemployment and his disability, if any? I am sure that they will not see a lawyer or have any pre-nuptial agreement. If their relationship disintegrates in the future and she leaves……
Will he be required to support her indefinitely since she “sacrificed her career” opportunities by moving cross country to “care for him”? Does his disability and future need for long-term care supercede a requirement to support her, since his money was earned prior and/or inherited from my mother? If she has a breakdown and cannot care for herself, will he (ie. me and my brother) be required to care for her indefinitely? This one wakes me up at night….
My Dad’s income now is distributions from his retirement accounts (doing great in the past years), and pretty good social security + tiny pension. My father is financially stable, and his friend knows this, but does not understand his medical issues/long term care needs. He will need full time care in the future. I cannot manage this long term… especially with his new partner. He has enough money to pay for it, but is going to fight tooth and nail before he agrees to moving from his house or accepting care. It will most likely end in crisis……a bad fall/illness/hospitalization…. and only then do I see him accepting more help, when a doctor/social worker “prescribes” it.
I think regardless of what happens with their relationship, he will leave her much of his estate (he can just change beneficiaries … has probably done this already), which is fine. I am mostly concerned that he will quickly marry her and things will start deteriorating quickly and he might be getting himself into financial trouble while he is living.
Any thoughts?
P
None of this is legal; and my parents aren’t even near your fathers age, but some thoughts:
I think the issue is really that you’re fine taking care of your dad and his multitude of health issues, but that you’re worried about your still legally competent dad getting married and your having to take care of both of them. While family responsibilities may compel you to continue taking care of your dad, nothing compels you to take care of him and his new spouse.
Given that your dad is legally competent, to the extent that he gets himself into financial trouble while he is living, I don’t think you can do anything until/unless you want to get into proving that he’s not competent to make these financial decisions and takeover those things for him.
roses
To be honest, I didn’t make it all the way through your post. I could tell by the fourth paragraph that this is way more than any one here can help you with. Do yourself a favor and get in touch with the National Alliance on Mental Illness, http://www.nami.org/, or call their hotline at 1 (800) 950-NAMI. Good luck, and my sympathies on what must be a very difficult situation.
KLG
I do not know anything about this area of law but with the amount of stuff you seem to be doing for him, I’d be trying to find a lawyer to educate me about possible guardian and conservatorship issues.
mascot
+1 and the NAMI rec above.
Anonymous
I am very sorry to hear about your father and all that is going on. As someone who has long struggled to help my own family deal with mental illness and substance abuse, the best decision I have made is to attend Al Anon and work the program. Unfortunately, you cannot save people from themselves; the best you can do is to take care of yourself. This strategy surprisingly has done more for my loved ones, I have to believe, than all my years of attempting to rescue them.
The only other suggestion I have is see if there is a social worker who can be appointed to help your father? I am not familiar with how that works, but it sounds like a situation where one may be helpful.
Miri
Hi, Leagle Eagle,
I’ve read the other answers, and agree with the suggestions for contacting NAMI and for getting advice about guardianship and conservatorship. Your state or city may also have an agency that deals with Aging. Here, there’s a Philadelphia Corporation for Aging, that provides all kinds of services and can become involved when third-parties, including unrelated individuals, suspect that there’s any elder abuse or fraud going on.
If your father has indicated in any way that he’s amenable to talking to a social worker, that’s great, go for it. If he is taking meds, that means that he has come under the care of a mental health professional. For your sake, I hope he keeps taking the meds, and keeps seeing the mental health professional.
You do need support and information. And you need to take care of yourself first, because without doing that, you won’t be able to care for your father.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Legal eagles....?
I am so embarrassed I posted this. Thank you to those who responded. It was not appropriate for me to lay this out there.
I did speak with a lawyer, who wasn’t that helpful, as she just said “Do not let them get married” and wanted me to pursue guardianship etc… I was hoping to get some sort of discussion about how to deal with the fallout since I cannot control the situation and stop this.
Thanks for the NAMI suggestion, which you guys posted before when my I posted about my Dad’s decline. Unfortunately I went to the support group, and no one was there but me. There is another support group, but they wont let in new members. Turns out most involved in NAMI in my area are parents of kids with mental illness. The organizers admitted that my father is too complex with his other medical problems/unstable situation and they were a bit wide-eyed… Oh well.
There is a community social worker that checks in once a year. Useless. He has had other social workers peek in in the past, but just refuses them.
Miri
It sounds like you are in a very small community with few resources. I’m sorry you’re left to your own devices. Post here for a reality check every so often. And maybe you, at least, can find a therapist to give you support locally or nearby.
IT Chick in MN
Oooof, you have lot going on. My grandmother was in a very similar place for most of my growing up. It is a very hard, very difficult decision, but you may need to think about guardianship/conservatorship. In Minnesota, the guardian could be a neutral/professional third party appointed by the court (at least about 15 years ago when we went through this with my grandmother), so you may not have to be on the hook as a guardian. Mostly, I’m just trying to say that it is an awful situation, but going the guardianship route is viable option.
Recommended Reading
The LEGOLAND Florida theme park looks really exciting for us, we grew up with LEGOS so we are eager to visit and see all the interesting LEGO Models.