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Weekend Open Thread

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255 Comments

  1. Ladies, I need a reality check. Got in a discussion that blew up last night with a guy I’m in a serious relationship with. We say we love each other, we’re crazy about each other, could see ourselves spending our lives together, etc. After a night of drinking, I (stupidly) asked him whether he loved me more than the other people he’s been in serious relationships with. He said he didn’t love me more or less, just different. I didn’t respond to that well (having had a few drinks didn’t help). Hearing it hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m too idealistic, but I want to find someone who puts me above all other potential romantic partners. Someone who feels a magic with me they didn’t feel with anyone else.

    Can you guys tell me on a scale of 1-10 how crazy that is? In the light of day, I’ve tried to think rationally about it, but it turns out I still feel the same as I did last night. Even sober, his response to my question stings. Am I just setting myself up for eternal disappointment by thinking this way?

    1. Have you discussed his response with him in the light of day? I assume he was drinking too? In any event, his response might have been the start of a discussion, but I wouldn’t make it the end of the discussion.

      I completely understand that you have hurt feelings, but I wouldn’t give up on the relationship just yet.

    2. There are certainly different philosophies on this issue, but yes, I do think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment to have this expectation. I also think it’s a really good sign that he responded to your question as he did–he sounds clear-headed and mature. It wasn’t a great question to ask, and the circumstances were poorly chosen, but you already know that. I think you’re smart to be trying to get some distance from your upset and run it by other people.

      Relationships are not just about how much one person loves the other; they reflect where each person is in their lives and what happens between the two at a particular time. There are a lot of great reasons that I am happily married to my husband and not married to anyone I dated before him, but I wouldn’t say “magic” is one of them. I’ve never even really thought about whether I love him more than anyone else; it just seems beside the point. It’s entirely possible that this is the guy for you and you have a wonderful future ahead with him! I just think you might be looking for indication of that with the wrong lens.

      1. I agree with this. Love is really hard thing to quantify and ever changing. He may have had really intense feelings about others before you. Obviously those didn’t work for whatever reason, despite his intense feelings, and y’all are together. That doesn’t mean he has to renounce every other relationship he’s had.

      2. I agree.

        FWIW, OP, I empathize. I asked my very practical husband if he thought we’d be together “forever” and his response was something along the lines of how he couldn’t say because he couldn’t predict the future and we could wind up getting divorced. Ouch. I am a pretty practical person as well, but it still sort of stings! Realistic, yes. The puppies and rainbows answer I wanted? Not at all.

        1. Ha! Your practical husband and my practical fiancé would get along well. Any movie where a parent or other loved one is leaving and tells the person being left behind temporarily “I promise to come back to you?” He’s shouting at the screen “You CAN’T promise them that! You just don’t know what could happen! This is bullsh*t.”

          He’s very romantic in many ways, but also very pragmatic.

      3. I think this is the right answer. I would likely answer similarly to your boyfriend. I’ve had wonderful relationships in the past that have ended for a variety of reasons. I don’t want them back, but I wouldn’t say I expect to love the person I marry more than I did some of these other people, but I expect our relationship to ultimately be better ( perhaps better points in our lives, better alignment of futures, not necessarily some strong sense of better for me or love more). I don’t think that means I will love that person more, but I will love them differently.

        Honestly, I think this sort of “romanticism” vs “realism” often is just a personality trait and I don’t think it causes major problems if people can recognize that it isn’t personal. I’m a lot more cynical/realistic than many people I’ve dated and it caused a lot of strife before they realized this is just my view on the world/relationships, not a reflection of how much I care about them.

    3. I don’t know about the “magic” part of it but if I ever get married again it will be to someone who loves me as much (or more) than I love him. If that’s what is upsetting you, I agree and say “Not crazy – 3”. The imbalance of love is, I feel, what doomed my first marriage.

      1. OP here. Gosh, these are all wonderful comments and I appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in. What everyone has said makes sense. I guess it’s a hurt to my ego to imagine my partner feeling more passionate things about someone else, even though that was a different time. Maybe I’m not adult or mature enough yet, because that’s hard for me to grapple with. I’m no spring chicken either, in case anyone’s wondering. I’ve been in love before and in several serious relationships.

        I also think this comment is perceptive. I hadn’t thought about it in connection with the incident last night, but I do worry that I love him more than he loves me. Or to be more precise, that there is more at stake for me in this relationship than him. It means more to me.

        Anyway. We did talk about it today. I was honest and basically told him what I said in my OP. One of his reactions was to wonder if maybe we have gotten too intense and should try to cool it down a bit. That’s not the only thing he said, and maybe he was just throwing that out as an offhand comment, but boy that has exacerbated my feelings of insecurity.

        1. Ouch. Sorry to hear that, but if you do feel like you’re more invested than he is, it’s better to find out now than to admit it to yourself many years down the line (she said without a trace of bitterness //irony).

          The most important thing I got out of my last relationship was the realization that it’s not a bad thing to “give up” on a relationship that isn’t working.

        2. Hmm I hate to say it but that comment would make me terribly insecure too. Sounds like he’s feeling the pressure to think you’re ‘the one’. Maybe he just needs space, or maybe the feelings aren’t mutual. It is hard to tell.

        3. Sorry to hear that. If you’re not typically insecure like this maybe it’s a sign that this guy, however much you like him, just isn’t a great match for you. I had a relationship like that and I felt so crazy because of it. But if this is something that comes up often, maybe it would help to talk to someone about why you feel like you need that kind of declaration. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it means that he doesn’t like you – if my bf said that to me it would really wig me out, despite how much I love him.

    4. His response makes perfect sense to me, and doesn’t sound as incompatible with the “magic” you want/expect him to feel as I think you are interpreting. Have you been in love–I mean really in love–with anyone other than him before? I don’t think it makes any sense to “quantify” love in the way that you’re asking. Do you love him “more” than your parents? Your siblings if you have any? Do you love your mom more than your dad? The first time you fall in love is categorically different from any other time just because it’s the first, and everything that you’re feeling and experiencing is new. I suppose you could describe that as “more” in love, but I think it’s just different. It sounds like he DOES feel a magic with you that he doesn’t feel with anyone else — he said his love for you is categorically different than any other he’s experienced. He just didn’t express it in terms of quantification, because for many people (I’d say me included), that doesn’t really make any sense. Does he want you to be the person he spends his life with? Feel more comfortable and compatible with you than anyone else? Those are the important questions to ask. Not whether he feels “more.”

      1. I think this is an excellent answer, Anon – pretty much what I was going to say but probably more eloquent.

    5. His reasoning for why the love was different may not be “rational” either. I’ve been in the kind of crazy-once-in-a-lifetime love with someone who don’t share the same goals, so it is completely irrelevant how much I love(d) them because it would never work out. We broke up because of the rational stuff, but that didn’t change the feelings themselves.
      I don’t know if that helps. But it’s worth considering that level of love and wanting to spend the rest of your lives together are correlated, but they are not the same thing.

    6. Edit: Sorry for the wall of text.

      I’ll never love anyone the way I loved my first serious boyfriend. My current relationship is better than any other I’ve ever been in, but I wouldn’t say it’s because the quantity of love is greater; the relationship is better because we understand each other, love spending time with each other, and treat each other well. A relationship that works feels magic, but I interpret “romantic love” as a neurochemically-induced addiction to another person. The deeper love/commitment/loyalty that leads you to put the real needs of another person above everything else in the world is the kind your spouse should have more for you than anyone else, but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about. You want the giddy love.

      If you expect someone to interpret their feelings the same way you do, and use the words “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone” before you exchange wedding vows, you will probably be disappointed a lot. A lot of people, particularly men, discount the giddy love neurochemicals as unimportant.

      It sounds like your significant other is building the commitment love for you (seeing a future together). You say you want him to put you above all other potential romantic partners, but saying, “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone” isn’t the best way of determining whether that’s true or not. Do you feel like he would leave you for someone else, or do you feel secure? Does he do things that are inconvenient or not fun for him, just to make you happy? Does he integrate you into his life, introduce you to his friends and family, and make sure you feel important to him? Is he dating other people? If you feel like he treats you like someone he loves more than anyone else in the world, it’s possible he just interprets and measures “love” differently than you do.

      That said, if it’s more important to you that you be with someone who feels like you’re the fated, magical soul mate he’s been waiting for rather than the partner he’s chosen above everyone else, move on. If you’re not happy, it’s not worth it. I think it might’ve been Senior Attorney or another wise poster here who said, “If you have to work really hard to make a new relationship work, it’s not worth it.”

      1. Yay! Weekend Open Thread’s! I LOVE Open thread’s and these Zappoz Boot’s! I can NOT wear them to work, but agree with Kat and Kate that these are great weekend boot’s with skinny jean’s! Now I just need a skinny tuchus to get into my skinny jean’s! FOOEY!

        As for the OP, do NOT get to worried about the guy’s reaction. Men are different and not as emotional as we are. Most men are very simplistic. If they are hungry, they eat, they BURP and they go to sleep. With romance and sex, men initially are very sexuealy anxius and want to get to home base as quickly as they can, and once they get there, they are happy to stay there, except when they want to pursue other venue’s, if you understand what I am talking about. Since men are not to vocal, they will NOT say what you want to hear, but you MUST judge them on what they do.

        When I was dateing Alan, he was like “Road Runner” with his beep-beeping homeing in on my erogenous zone to try and please me. Once I gave him the green light, he was all over me like a cheep suit, and even tho he was drunk, he kept popping back up for another round of bedroom excapade’s. I admit it was fun b/c he would try and try but never get it just right. BUT, and this is a big BUT, after a few weeks of this he did loose some sexueal interest after a while, at least in pleasing me, and he was more interested in me doeing thing’s for him while he kind of forgot about MY need’s. I put up with it for along time b/c I had gotten to know him, and his family, and Dad figured that an accountant in the family would get him out of doeing my finances’ so he could be free to have his OWN life. Dad was OK with Ed b/c Rosa needed a guy to manage her money, and he thought that a man from Meril Lynch would be great.

        Now I will spend tomorrow with Rosa to find out exactely he did at the strip club, but I figure that all men start looking at other women after they have had their way with their own women. Mom therefore told me NEVER to let a man have sex with you the first week you date. Perhaps you were to quick to do that with him? I am NOT sure.

        Anyway, in the end, if he is still with you, and you still enjoy having sex with him, keep doeing it OFTEN and like my dad, he will continue to love you even when your tuchus gets big, like my Mom’s. Dad told me he had so many chances to have sex with beautie’s overseas, but those women were high maintence, demanding gift’s for doeing things with him. So he alway’s came back to mom b/c she was a great cook and never said no when he wanted sex, and she was always fully giving to him in bed, tho she was RIGHTFULY concerned for a time b/c of where he was and what he was doeing with his winkie with these women. So if you do what my mom did for year’s (and continue’s to do) for dad, you will have a long and happy releationship. YAY!!!!

      2. Exactly this. (Baconpancakes, not Ellen)

        FWIW, I hope I don’t love my next SO like I loved my last one. I loved him so much (and perhaps in an unhealthy manner) that I almost gave up my entire life (job, condo, city) to be with someone who was emotionally unavailable. I think love is important but there are so many other things that are more important, including respect, shared values and goals and an ability to effectively communicate.

      3. Yep, that was me who said that. And now that I am in a new relationship where it is super easy, I believe it more than ever.

        Personally, I think asking questions like the OP describes is about 8 out of 10 crazy. But you’re entitled to want what you want so if you’re not getting a response that feels good to you, maybe this isn’t the right guy and you should move along.

        On the other hand, there is always a possibility that ur doin it wrong. I feel like I recommend therapy an awful lot, but I swear my current relationship wouldn’t be half this easy if I didn’t have all those sessions with Dr. Shrink under my belt. I think relationship insecurity, in particular, is great fodder for a good therapist.

    7. My grandfather was married to two women, my grandmother for over 50 years until her death and my step-grandmother for almost 10 years until his death. If you asked him, he would say that he didn’t love either woman more or less, just different. You don’t need to love someone “more” to put them above all other romantic partners. Love is just one of many factors that goes into choosing the person you want to marry.

    8. I vote semi-crazy. I’ve been married before. I love my current BF like mad, and he is way better suited to me than my ex ever was. Do I love him more than I loved my husband when I loved him? No. Our love is a much saner love, a more sustainable love, and a lot more fun, but it isn’t MORE.

      I met current chap at 41. Ex-husband at 16. There is no way this grown-up love will ever feel as intense and all-consuming as that schoolgirl obsessive hormonal OMG love. Not the same sort of thing at all. That doesn’t mean it’s less.

    9. I think you are being unreasonable. Love is not scored on a scale of 1-10; every love is different. What you should be looking for is someone who loves you, is dedicated to you, supports you, and makes you happy. A stalker could love you as a 10 but that wouldn’t be a good relationship.

    10. Putting the label crazy aside, I think it is a sign that you may be immature in this area of life. How many people have you been in love with? I think with more experience, this is something that you will understand. He gave you a really great answer. It’s not healthy, and it’s not accurate that he’s not “putting you above other romantic partners” (and they’re his exes, not potential partners). I get that we all have irrational feelings sometimes, but I think this is something you need to come around on or it’s going to reflect poorly on you.

    11. Rationally, I think his answer is perfectly reasonable and doesn’t say anything negative about your relationship. Emotionally, I would have the exact same reaction you had.

      1. +1. And that tension between how I feel about it and what I know I should feel about it is hard. I vote not crazy, but not “correct” either.

        1. I think the problem here is: don’t ask the question if you’re not prepared to get an answer you don’t like.

          1. Indeed, this is probably Example A of the type of question you shouldn’t ever ask unless you have some sort of next-level Zen master emotional maturity (along with “Was the s*x better with Susie?” and “Do you ever wish we were divorced?”). It is perfectly natural not to want to think about your SO loving someone else more than you, even if you rationally know that love is not a zero-sum life game.

          2. So true. Wish I had never gone there in the first place. Blast alcohol and it’s inhibition-lowering properties.

    12. Does it help to think of people in your life who you love differently but equally? I would say that I love my parents equally, but it’s a very different relationship with each parent so also a different kind of love.

    13. Yes, you are. This is crazy. Please do yourself a favor and don’t get into another serious relationship until you fix this.

  2. Where would you go to get a few pairs of well-fitting pants if you only wanted to go to one (brick & mortar) store to with a goal of bringing home a few pairs of work-appropriate, ideally washable, solid neutral colored, flattering pants?

    I’m finally losing the last of the baby weight & finding that most of my work pants are now saggy & unflattering. Moving from a 10-12 size to a 8ish size. My winter uniform is sweater + black/gray/camel solid color pants. Don’t want to spend a ton (ideally $50-70/pair) as I am not entirely done with weight loss journey. Thanks!

    1. I’d go to a mall and hit up JCrew, Ann Taylor and Banana Republic. Just an FYI – Banana runs 40% off sales almost every Wednesday, so try on for size in store but buy online (or in store) on a Wednesday.

    2. In addition to your size and budget, it would be useful to share your shape and height, or more to the point, the shape of your body that is covered by pants and your inseam.

      1. Fair point — hourglass/x-shaped. I’m assuming wherever I’ll go I’ll try on several different styles of pants to figure out which would work best for me.

        1. Not JCrew, then–X shape here, similar sizes, and they are cut for a much slimmer straighter fit that I personally haven’t found flattering or comfortable. Ann Taylor, or even Loft, and Limited. Get a curvy fit to account for the hip/waist ratio.

        2. Jackson fit pants at BR have been very flattering on my hour-glassy self, so I’d strongly recommend.

    3. If you’re still losing weight, I’d go to a place like the Limited. Their pants are decent and they often have 50% off promotions if you sign up for their emails.

    5. I’ve shopped and shopped, but nothing beats the Gap for me. I tried to buy pants at Ann Taylor this winter and they weirdly only has skinny jean – type ponte pants in store, I was appalled.

    6. Don’t ever discount thrift shopping. All of my dress trousers are thrifted at this point (now that I’ve gotten smaller than any of my previous newly-purchased pants from years past) and the majority of them are Loft, AT, Banana or JCrew. I have a few pairs of Limited and Express (I think)

    7. Express Editor pants. They carry a bunch of different neutrals in store which is why I’d prefer them to Loft or Limited. You may have to buy online to get the right size. Definitely find a coupon code and you can get them at a decent discount.

  3. I was recently at Ann Taylor and they had racks and racks of pants and skirts on big sale.

  4. ok guys – i got a big biglaw raise. to buy a $350 pair of shoes i’m in love with or not as a reward? not in debt or anything (not even law school debt anymore) but i’ve never spent nearly that much, and i can’t decide whether to pull the trigger.

    fwiw, i’m not someone who thinks i need to spend the money just because i have it.

    1. If there’s a specific pair of shoes out there that you’re in love with, I say go for it! It sounds like you’re in a good place financially and can afford the shoes, whether you’ve spent that much money on shoes in the past or not. I don’t even think you need to justify them as a reward – why not say, “I love these shoes, they are within my budget, and I will feel like a bad ass when I wear them.” :-) On the flip side, if there’s nothing you really, really love, don’t get hung up on the idea of a reward – wait until there’s something you fall in love with.

    2. You could also buy an “experience” i.e. do something that would cost that much. Just saying this based on the fact it’s often said that people tend to remember experiences better than stuff they bought. No judgement meant in that statement, just a suggestion. But if you really feel you want shoes, go for it.

    3. How rough are you on your shoes? I love shoes but have an uncanny ability to find every sidewalk crack. I’d be really upset if I tore up a $350 pair of shoes so don’t buy them (at full price at least).

      1. My rule is $200 max for shoes, because I also have that sidewalk crack radar. I think the other day I stepped in at least four cracks in two blocks.

    4. Do it! I was in a similar position as you: no debt, got a new job with a pay raise out of grad school. One of the things I am really glad I did when that happened was improve my wardrobe – both work and fun.

      If they’re a totally frivolous pair of fun shoes that you love, do it as a treat for yourself (I’m going to guess that in BigLaw, you’re making enough that $350 is not a hardship). If they’re useful shoes, buy them because they’ll be put to good use (and you’d be surprised at how much a good cobbler can fix).

      1. Buy the shoes! My Ferragamos are indeed an “experience” – and they bring me joy every time I wear them.

    5. Do it! That sounds like a really lovely and well-deserved reward. Yes, shoes take more wear and tear than bags or clothing, but there are ways to minimize that/fix it (wear them only inside, have them resoled, etc.)

    6. My rule of thumb for this kind of purchase is not whether I can technically afford the item (caveat: I wouldn’t spend the money if I couldn’t afford to), but whether or not I would be upset if the new purchase were lost/destroyed. So, I would ask myself, “If I spend $350 on these shoes and the next day my niece spills ketchup on them, will I freak out?” Obviously I would be bummed either way, but if I can see myself getting legit angry in that situation then they are probably not a good purchase for me. So, if you can “afford” to lose $350, then I think it’s a great reward for you. If you can technically meet all of your bills and savings goals and still spend the $350, but you’ll be constantly worrying about the condition of the shoes, then I would skip the purchase.

      1. I think this is silly. I would be upset if I ruined brand new $50 shoes, even though I make 6 figures and $50 is not much to me. Does that mean I shouldn’t spend $50 on shoes? Of course not. Some people just care about their stuff, no matter the cost.

  5. Recently I found a small hole in the front of a cashmere sweater. It was an older sweater that I bought second hand a couple years ago, so didn’t think anything of it. Now, in an equally old cashmere sweater, another tiny hole in the front.

    Do I start to worry about moths now? No other holes, no visible bugs. No prior history of moths.

    Coincidence? Or time to wash/dry clean/seal up things?

    I was thinking of buying one of those strips with moth pheromones on it to better diagnose if they are there.

    1. What does the hole look like? Is it one thread that’s broken and thus, starting to unravel, or is it ragged hole that looks like something has been chewing on it.

      If the holes are in the same/similar spots on each sweater, could it be rubbing on something that is weakening the fibers?

      1. It is an irregular hole. Not clearly just one strand that has pulled loose. I cannot say if it looks chewed or not… Not clearly the same place on each sweater, but kind of odd that they are in the front of the sweater and random spots.

        I wasn’t sure if it would be more obvious if it was moths…. like multiple holes per sweater, or if it could be subtle like this.

        I just bought 4 Lord & Taylor cashmere sweaters during the sales, so I am a bit concerned…

        1. Could it be where your bra straps rub against it, or where it falls against your pants fly/zipper? I have small holes in two tops for these reasons.

          1. Anything velcro is also a likely culprit for holes – coat closures, belt closures, etc.

        2. Both good thoughts, but both holes are above my belly button or so on the front. Not close to bra or buckles etc….

          I brought it to show my favorite dry cleaner, and right away she said “moths…..” So I just dropped off 18 sweaters to dry clean…. Her English is limited but she favored moth balls. From what I’ve read they are pretty toxic and I hate the smell. And I kind of want to wear my clothes rather than seal them away for months.

          Anyone deal with this? My apartment can use a good cleaning, so tomorrow I will start. I worry that I also now need to beat/brush every item of clothing outside and wash in hot water. It is kind of overwhelming.

          Anyone deal with this? Any recs?

          1. Cedar. I refuse to use mothballs because they smell gross and I have pets & kids.

            You can buy a giant box of them on Amazon or I’m pretty sure they’re available in most brick and mortar stores like Walmart, Target, etc. After they lose their scent you can rub them with sandpaper and/or use a refresher spray. So far it seems to have worked well since I haven’t found any new moth holes.

          2. I’ve read that pepper keeps away moths….they recommend you seal your sweaters in ziplocs w loose whole peppercorns

          3. Thank you for these great suggestions.

            So, did you do a deep cleaning first? Did you ever see moths/larvae? Did you dry clean everything? And then just put your “clean” sweaters back into the same drawers with cedar etc..? Or did you seal up every sweater in a bag? And then after wearing the sweater, you immediately wash it?

            I try not to overwash my nice sweaters so that they last longer, but now I worry about attracting moths if I leave any of my smells on the sweater. And it can’t be good to seal up a sweater already worn in a plastic bag, right? Or is it time to buy all of the sweater protector bags made out of natural fibers?

            I actually already had small cedar blocks in all the drawers, but their odor doesn’t last long. I sense this will require some maintenance. I’m sure I’m over thinking this, but I appreciate your thoughts so much.

          4. I’m pretty sure I’ve read that moths are attracted to organic material we leave on sweaters after wearing, so definitely don’t put them away for long periods unwashed.

    1. I would (I’m assuming you mean the ones pictured). I actually do have similar ones that I wear with skinny jeans all the time.

  7. I had knee surgery recently and am looking for office-appropriate shoes. Mostly I wear skirts/dresses and black tights. I don’t like ballet flats with tights (too little girlish), and the loafer selections I have seen are making my uterus want to go into menopause because they are so old-ladyish (reminiscent of my grandma with bunions). I typically wear clogs to commute (I know, they’re not too snazzy either), but I have some big events coming up and don’t know if that will look particularly professional.

    Suggestions for a flat-ish non-old lady comfort loafer…who has a lamp with a genie in it?

    1. Browse the Lifestride website. Some of their stuff is fug, some is passably cute. They are all fake leather and reasonably priced so you don’t have to feel awful about chucking them after you are all better. They have small heels/wedges on some too so they aren’t ballet flat. I don’t know what they are currently offering but I have three different pairs from there I like.

      Also, what about flat boots?

      1. Good idea – I have a pair of Lifestride boots that I love. I can’t do boots for work, but good suggestion.

    2. Yesterday someone posted a black (studded) pump with a low, wide heel. I clicked through to the link and the shoe had a lot of rave reviews for comfort & style.

    3. There are some pointy-toe flats which, to my eye at least, look less childish than ballet flats. (I know there are many ballet flat fans out there, no offense meant.)

      In your situation, I would probably go in a menswear direction and get flat or flattish lace-up oxfords. I work in the garment district now, so I see a lot of fashion people on my commute, and I’m seeing tons of cute oxfords on well-dressed women.

      2. +1 on oxfords. I have a pair that I like very much with skirts/tights. A word of warning if relevant to you: I struggle to make them work with pants while avoiding frump (your milage, of course may vary).

      3. Cute! I almost never wear pants, but I could see how these could up the frump factor if done incorrectly. Ankle pants, though, would be darling with these!

      4. Good to hear that oxfords are still in. I’m actually wearing mine today with grey woollen tights and denim shorts. I felt very chic while out on my bike earlier.

    4. Check out the brand Cobb Hill as well. They are owned by New Balance and have really good support in their shoes. Many of them aren’t the most attractive, but I have a pair of flats that look ok and have held up better than anything I’ve bought in years. They are really comfortable.

    6. After my knee surgery, I couldn’t tolerate a shoe that was completely flat without support. I feel like I’m walking on the concrete and my knee swells. I can wear shoes with a low wedge or, even better, something like the Ivanka Trump flats that have a chunky low heel and a pointy toe. Current styles are called Laura or Tizzy. 6PM has Collie and Lagrand t-strap flats. The new Ivanka Trump Teigan d’Orsay flats are pretty cool looking, too (check Nordstrom).

    7. A bit late, but Paul Green has some nice ones, very well made and worth the price. The brand does show up on 6pm, so you may find a (relative) bargain. Made in Austria with UK sizing, so I end up going down a half size in the US size. (I wear a US 8 in their shoes, but usually wear a us 8.5. It’s a German/uk 6 on the box)

    8. The Michael Kors Fulton walk the line between flat and loafer and manage to look non-little-girlish and also non-old-ladyish. It’s my go to work flat.

  8. Any recs for all-inclusives in Puerto Rico? Looking to spend four days on the beach for less than $1K per person, including flights, coming from the midwest. I have done zero research, but thought I would start with the wise words of the seasoned travelers who post here.

  9. As an equestrian, I love equestrian style boots in the non-barn context, but they can also crack me up, especially when they have details like spur straps or look like someone put half chaps over pair of boots. For instance, this pair basically has spurs without the “spur” part. But instead of cracking up, I’m actually looking at this pair and thinking “I kind of want a pair of spurs that look like that.” So, that’s a first! That braid detail is sweet. Someone needs to tell the company that boots with spurs need spur rests, though …
    Apologies for the dorky horsey moment.

    1. I hadn’t even noticed the “spurs” on these boots! How funny, though, and I agree the faux equestrian look can be a little kitschy.

      I have often wondered if I can get my as-yet-unworn-for-horse-use Ariat tall boots to pass for fashion boots, and sadly, I don’t think I can. The Spanish top makes them a little too horse-y for fashion. Oh well.

      1. Hmm, true. Although, honestly, you might just start a new trend. A lot of the equestrian styled boots out there are too short for my taste, and I’m sure there are others of a similar mind. The Spanish top adds height and lengthens the lower leg … although George Morris is not a fan. :)

      2. You might think that, but I have worn my tall boots (that have been worn at the barn) out in public on the weekends, and I get a lot of compliments on them, which I always think is weird. People seem to like them.

    2. I too am always looking at the equestrian styled fashion items with a keen eye. The details similarly crack me up. My girlfriend got a pair of those gorgeous engraved spurs for Christmas and I tell you what, I would be tempted to wear them ALL THE TIME they are so pretty.

      In the two years it took me to find a pair of flat, riding style tall boots to wear as non-barn/fashion items, I definitely considered pulling out the Vogels and just wearing those around. Considering I haven’t shown since 2009, it’s probably a better use for them than sitting in their box in the basement! If I had a pair of the cognac brown ones, I absolutely would have!

      1. I would give the Vogels a try. They’ll look better than 99% of the boots out there. I’d wear my tall boots except for the fact that they’re the same pair I got when I was 13, look a little worse for the wear, and to be honest are a little short for me.

        True story, right after I wrote my original comment, I looked at engraved spurs on the internet and am considering purchasing …

        2. I’m more boogled by the fact that you can still wear the same shoes from when you are 13. I think I’ve gone up 2 numbers on shoe sizes since then (and grew 2-3 inches).

        3. My foot hasn’t grown since 13 BUT they are, admittedly, way too short for my lower leg. Just haven’t truly shown enough to justify getting a new pair. My typical riding outfit is my Ariat paddock boots and half chaps.
          I have Chuck Pinnell custom chaps, but never wear them, so my dream right now, rather than new tall boots, is a pair of custom half-chaps by Chuck.

    3. I totally know what you are talking about and have worn my actual riding boots, Dehners, with my jeans and skirts. The one that makes me smile the most is the black boots with brown tops for women. Boots of that type are worn by men who have been awarded colors of a recognized fox hunt, not by women. Always makes me smile!

      1. Oh my gosh, I feel like we are the same person. I have even told people this, and I don’t think they appreciated it!

    4. This is so great! I’m in the same boat. I have absolutely thrown my tall boots on – a nice pair of La Mundials that I purchased before the company got weird. I’ve also thrown on my newer paddock boots (after a good cleaning!). I haven’t done a show since last year, which is really sad since I’m now selling my hunter (and it doesn’t help that the trainer I have her with just loves her, and is taking her to a super fun show that I don’t get to show at because I haven’t been riding and would probably lawn dart myself! I will also admit to throwing on one of my very nice, very expensive show coats on as a blazer over a pair of jeans. Lots of compliments on that one!

      1. Why didn’t I think of this?!!? Thank you for giving me more “blazer” options!!

      2. I’ve never thought about the blazer option, but I’ve thought of trying to work some of my beautiful show shirts … which I never wear … into my wardrobe somehow. My paddock boots, however … even with a good cleaning, not sure they could pass for anything but barn shoes!

  10. I’m in a field where it’s currently difficult to get a permanent position. I was sent a job posting where I have a good chunk of the experience, the work sounds interesting the only thing I’m not crazy about is the location, long winters, not a fan. The position is temporary, i.e. contract so theoretically I don’t have to be there long term. But I still find myself going back and forth on whether to actively pursue this.

    1. If the weather is the only reason that you don’t want to do it, I’d say suck it up. Most people can adapt to the weather where they live. If the location makes you far from friends, family, or is very different than your preferred environment (rural, small town, big city), I think that has much more of an impact on your quality of life.

      1. I disagree. I think weather can make a huge difference for some people. I knew someone who was so unhappy being in Seattle in the constant rain that she packed up and moved to a different state with no job. I do agree that if you don’t mind moving that much, it’s worth pursuing since it’s a temp position and you may find out you can deal with the winter. But I don’t think weather is necessarily less significant than whether you’re near family and friends or in your preferred urban vs rural environment. For some people, it’s on par with those things.

      2. I currently live in CT and really struggle with the winters here (grew up in a warm climate). This job is in Canada. I’m already far from friends and family, and that does not look like it will change in the near future.

          2. Ouch.
            But in any event, you’ll cope. If this is a good opportunity for you, go for it! You never know until you try.

    2. I don’t think it’s not worth pursuing it. However, when you make your final decision on whether it is a good fit, take the weather and move and everything into account. You don’t have to accept the job, even if they offer it and there’s no guarantee that would happen.

      1. This. Apply. If, when doing the final steps before hiring, you’re shedding tears (this has actually happened to me) and everyone in your life is telling you No (ditto), then you’ll know what choice to make.

        But APPLYING? Just apply!

  11. I know lots of you are Cole Haan Air lovers! They’ve discontinued it with the breakup with Nike and replaced it with Grand OS. Any thoughts about impact to comfort?

    I wore some in the store and they seemed really thin on the sole and flexible as well. I liked that they were all rubber. However, I saw a pair in the clearance area that used to be on display that was showing cracks from the flex allowed by the flexibility. Does anyone have any thoughts?

  12. I need some very high quality long sleeve tops for under suits – if I could find a perfect basic three quarter sleeve for a long torso I’d buy one in every color. In winter I just wear long sleeve cashmere tees but struggle in summer, and they need to be nice enough to stand alone since I generally work with my jacket off in an open office. Any recs? Thank you!

    1. J.Crew Tippi. I wear them year round. They can be worn under a suit or with jeans. The merino has a nice drape and wears well.

    2. I buy heattech from uniqlo. They are very stretchy and I am petite so if you are taller, the regular sleeve would be 3/4 without much inconvenience.

  13. party food question! We’re having a Super Bowl get together on Sunday and are cooking for about ten folks. The ‘main event’ will be a smoked bbq pork shoulder, but we have several (at least 3) vegetarian friends coming. The sides are coleslaw, vegan baked beans, and cornbread, plus chips/salsa and desserts. Can they make a meal of sides, or should I cook something else vegetarian? Ideas?

    1. How about vegetarian chili? Goes great with cornbread or chips, can be cooked/kept warm in a slow cooker and non-veggies can eat it too. Add small bowls of chili toppings such as cheese or sour cream and you’re good to go!

      1. Yeah, healthy or whatever aside, the question you asked is if you should make something vegetarian and I think the short answer is yes. You have a main dish for carnivores, there should be a main dish for vegetarians even if it’s as simple as vegetarian chili.

    2. No, this is not sufficient for a vegetarian meal. If you haven’t made the vegan baked beans yet, why not just replace that with the veggie chili as Zelda suggests? Would be great side for the carnivores as well.

    3. I don’t think the sides are enough. I agree with the suggestions for vegetarian chili, but if your heart is set on the vegan baked beans, that might be too much overlap. Other suggestions include: veggie subs (I saw a recipe for a broccoli rabe and provolone sub that looked really delicious), or a pasta/grain salad that’s heavy on veggies.

    4. If I were coming to your house, I would know that I need to eat some simply prepared vegetables or a big green salad with vegetables in it before I arrive. Otherwise, I will eat only cornbread (processed grains), coleslaw (mayonnaise?), bean-based chili (good! Legumes are protein), chips/salsa (not nutritious) and dessert (ditto), which is not a healthy or nutritious meal.

      I don’t expect hosts/hostesses to go out of their way to provide healthy vegetarian options, but when I know they won’t be offered, I prepare them for myself or eat them before arriving.

      1. I eat tons of vegetables and other healthy fare. I don’t really expect to find any of it at a superbowl party, however. Unless the vegetables are meant to carry the buffalo chicken dip from the bowl to my mouth…

      2. To be fair, the only addition to the meal for omnivores is meat. The addition of protein is good, but doesn’t make the meal a healthy or nutritious one.

      3. Is this meal really THAT unhealthy? It’s a football party, so I don’t care, I’m just surprised by this commentary. It’s not like a feast of deep-fried bacon-wrapped sugar bombs.

        -No fat added, slow cooked pork with light tomato-based sauce
        -Homemade beans with just a few tbs added sugar for the whole recipe
        -Coleslaw with cabbage, carrots, peppers and light buttermilk dressing
        -Whole grain/whole wheat cornbread

        1. I didn’t think it sounded unhealthy, even before you described it in more detail. But I suppose we all have differing definitions of what that means. For what it’s worth, I would not go out of my way to add another dish, assuming there is plenty of food for everyone. I think your meat-free options are fine, unless you’re going to have several vegan guests. Then you probably should serve a vegan main.

        2. OMG! You just solved a mystery for me and I’m having a total facepalm moment. I have a bunch of food issues including dairy but I can have mayo no problem because it is just eggs and oil. I recently got sick on two different occasions from cole slaw and started thinking I couldn’t have cabbage or something. If they made it with buttermilk instead of mayo then this is totally why!!!

      4. I think this menu is great. They get a vegetable, a carb, and a rich a filling protein.

        It’s the f-ing Super Bowl. They don’t need the worlds most healthy meal! This carnivore is getting jalapeño poppers and wings.

        Give me a break with your desperate need for a simple vegetable at every meal. You will not die.

        1. It’s not just about the health factor, it’s the bore factor. Baked beans are rather bland and textually monotonous (no matter how you make them) – to eat enough to have that constitute your meal is really depressing. As a vegetarian, I’d do it if I had to, but if you’re trying to be a welcoming host you should be aware that the vegetarians won’t think it’s a particularly satisfying meal.

      5. Ha. Our vegetarian Super Bowl spread (well puppy bowl since we don’t care about football) is breaded cauliflower with honey mustard for dipping, deviled eggs, and artichoke spinach dip. We eat healthy the rest of the time but one meal of unhealthy food won’t kill us.

    5. I’m a vegetarian and would be fine with the sides. It’s not like I have a food allergy; I’ve chosen this diet and it would be unreasonable for me to expect people to change their normal routine in order that I can eat a “full meal.” In fact, while I truly appreciate the effort, it makes me uncomfortable when people go out of their way to accommodate my diet. I’m sure other people feel differently, but it makes me feel like a diva. Or, worse, that I’m perceived as a diva.

      1. I feel the same way. I don’t expect anyone to go out of their way, and assume that I’ll be subsisting on sides. The only thing that does bug me is if there is really just about nothing to eat. I’d be fine with what you’ve listed. It wouldn’t be a particularly great meal, but I’ve definitely been to parties with less vegetarian food to eat.

  14. I just found out that two of my coworkers went behind my back to my boss to complain about an issue without addressing it with me first. At some point this month, one of them overheard me tell an internal client that I couldn’t do something or attend a meeting because I had a spin class that evening. I’m not sure of the details because neither they nor my boss talked to me about it when it actually happened, but it was at a time when they were both swamped (we have different workstreams) and (I assume) felt it was inappropriate for me to postpone work for a workout. It’s entirely possible that a. it was low priority work that could wait until the next day; b. I went to class and then worked on it later that evening; or c. I was completely in the wrong and should have dropped everything and worked on it. I don’t know which is correct because I just don’t remember the issue in question.

    I think that their actions were inappropriate a. one of them (I assume) overheard my half of a telephone conversation and therefore didn’t have the full story; b. discussed with another coworker and both agreed that I was wrong; c. instead of discussing it with me, they both individually reported it to my boss instead. As far as I can tell, the client did not have an issue. Am I wrong for being angry?

    1. Was the class after working hours? If it was I would not say you were in the wrong unless it is normal for you to address clients’ issues after working hours. I don’t like that they would not approach you directly about it, in good faith e.g. say I didn’t think you handled that the right way maybe do X next time.

      1. The class was after working hours. There’s an expectation that we’ll work at least 10 hours a week outside the normal 40 hours, but also that we have flexibility in when we’ll work outside of normal hours. It’s not uncommon for people to go home and walk the dog or have dinner before logging back on. I’m the only one in my department who isn’t married and one of the youngest, so I wonder if part of the issue is the bias that some married people have against single people’s activities. Would it have been less of an issue if I said I had to pick up my husband or my kids?

        As you pointed out, my biggest issue was that they didn’t approach me directly and therefore it seems like it wasn’t handled in good faith.

    2. Can you model good behavior by talking to them about it directly in a non-threatening way? Find out what they are thinking. Show them they can come to you.

      In my experience,unless someone is a tattle by nature with everyone, then usually the end-run like this over one incident is because there is something bigger going on. In the past, how have you responded to them (or others they may have observed you interact with) over potentially upsetting issues? Or are they regularly feeling overworked/heavy workload and you’re not taking a share (the example cited may have been part of a larger discussion with management to examine balance)? Are there ongoing complaints from clients?I would try to feel out what they are thinking to get a better idea for whether they may be upset with 1) how you respond when you’re faced with things directly 2) how the environment in general is being managed 3) how the organization’s best interests in general are being managed. That may give you a better idea of how to move forward then to resolve.

      And just be careful with what you say publicly.Wouldn’t give any details in the future but just say you have a commitment that evening and can’t. No one’s business but your own.

      1. Thanks for your comments. We have different workstreams, so while I assist them at times where I can, for the most part I’m not expected to take on their workload. It would take them more time to teach me what to do than to just do it themselves. It’s not an ongoing responsiveness issue, since I get great feedback from my clients about responsiveness. However, it may be that my coworkers aren’t aware of this and have a different perspective from the outside looking in. A conversation would definitely help to feel out where their issue stems out and how I can address it.

        I’ll definitely be more careful about what I say about my person life in the future. On the surface, we have a culture of collegiality and we’re expected to connect with coworkers on a personal level, but apparently that only goes so far…

        1. I think your coworkers may have been in the wrong by not approaching you first. However, as a single, childless, in-house attorney who leaves early twice a week to teach a (vague physical activity) class, I would not tell anyone that I couldn’t attend a meeting or work on a project that evening because I needed to leave to teach said class. Either the project can wait until the morning (and I know this) and so I just say “Sorry, I need to leave at X time today, but I’ll get to it first thing” or I recognize that it is important enough to take priority (since it is my paid job) and stay at work and handle it. I think most meetings would fall into the latter category.

    3. I think you need to stop being defensive. You refused to do work when everyone was busy because of a work out and you were dumb enough to make that excuse out loud. Just apologize and next time say something like “sure I’ll take care of this first thing tomorrow if that works?”

      1. This.

        You’d have been fine saying “I need to leave by 6pm today but I’ll pick it up first thing in the morning. If I can get you [whatever they needed] by noon, will that work?”

      2. We have different workstreams without much overlap. I help them where I can, but for the most part it would take them more time to teach me what to do than to just do it themselves. I also work in house, so there’s more of a work life balance culture than the law firm work work culture. The client didn’t have an issue with my statement, so I don’t need to apologize to her. Substantively, I agree that there were better ways to respond to the request, as you state in your less sentence, and will do so in the future.

        Procedurally, I do think that they handled it the wrong way, regardless of whether I was in the wrong. For the most part, if you have an issue with your coworker, the first step should be to address it with them, not their boss.

        1. If my issue was I’m super busy and she’s running off to spinning I would not approach you first.

      3. I think her co-workers need to stop acting like little kids and stop eavesdropping. If she doesn’t report to them, and the internal client is not complaining, and they weren’t asked to pick up her slack…where is the issue here?

        Obviously if the internal client had a problem, it’s a problem. But it doesn’t sound like that was the case.

    4. I would be upset too, but it doesn’t surprise me this happened. As a manager, people often come to complain to me about my direct reports, without speaking with them about it first directly. Or they complain to their manager who complains to me about it. A lot of people think it’s the manager’s job to handle those kind of conversations, and that’s their first go-to response. People’s tendency is not to be open or fair about it, it’s too protect themselves and address the issue in the easiest way for them.

      1. This happens to me, too. I must admit that if I were in the manager’s position, even though based on what’s been discussed here it does sound like the OP made a poor decision by discussing the spin class conflict with her client, my opinion of the “tattletale” would be more harsh.

        It would be different if the coworkers approached me and said “We have discussed with OP that we think x behavior is inappropriate but we remain concerned about preserving the client relationship because her response was dismissive…” In that case the coworkers have attempted to resolve the conflict but are at an impasse.

        In this case, I think that everyone is wrong but like a previous poster suggested, you have an opportunity to model good behavior by calmly approaching your coworkers to acknowledge their concerns.

    5. Don’t get overly focused on this particular complaint. I suspect that the complaint may have been, “I am working a lot more than OP and she’s not helping, FOR EXAMPLE, I overheard her telling a client she couldn’t do work because she had to get to spinning.”

      So if you get focused on the spin class or “tattling” issue, you’re going to potentially get distracted from the bigger point about workload distribution and being a team player.

  15. Longtime reader, first-time advice-seeker:

    I am a relatively new mom, and I have already developed a really bad habit of taking responsibility for whatever is or could potentially be going wrong with my baby. For example, I get a bad cold, and I assume that my baby will get it, and that it will be because my hygiene sucks. Or doctor notices something that could be normal, but wants to run a test to make sure, and I convince myself (with the help of g00gle) that it is worst-case scenario and a direct result of something I have done incompetently. Or a breastfeeding challenge arises, and I blame myself for not putting in enough effort.

    Something like this comes up about twice a week, and to say that it bothers me would be an understatement. I recognize that this isn’t fair to myself, and it is interfering with my parenting and co-parenting on many levels. And the flip side is that I shouldn’t be taking responsibility for my kid’s every achievement, either, which I’m not doing so far, but who knows what irrational thing my brain may come up with next….

    I assume I’m not the only parent out there with this bad habit, and I would love to find out how I might break it, or at least tame it. Any suggestions? (Besides to see a therapist, which I’m scheduled to do next week?)

    Thanks!

    1. I don’t have any advice, but to a non-doctor this sounds like it could be a form of postpartum depression. You might also want to talk to your OB about it. Hugs.

      1. This. Call your OB, ask for therapists with experience with PPD.

        For reference: I am at risk for PPD. For further reference: I participated in a PPD study with my ob/gyne. A nurse or student called me at a few weeks’ interval after I gave birth and asked me questions. One question was something along the lines of “Do you feel as though everything wrong is your fault?” My answer: Yes (I felt then and still feel as though at the time I was directly told this by many key people in my life, but regardless, this was my answer.)

        This nurse/student wrote the answer down, or typed it audibly, and then said, “Well, it’s not.”

        I don’t think it was acceptable for her to break form with the study like this? But she thought it was important enough to BECAUSE THAT IS A SYMPTOM. Don’t worry – you’re not going to drive your kids in a lake. But you need to find someone to talk to, please. A professional. These are a lot of changes and stress and please, talk to someone.

    2. Yes, this sounds like post-partum. Talk with your doctor. Post-partum is a significant issue but can be well treated.

      Hang in there.

    3. If it’s a PPD issue, I found the website postpartum progress really helpful. You can make it through this and be a great and loving parent. Praying for you.

  16. Daydreaming about a warm vacation in a few months. Very close to booking a trip to Puerto Rico. Would likely be for 4-5 days – only holdup is I’d like to go to start in San Juan and then do a couple days in Vieques (biobay!) and it seems like a lot of travel logistics. DH and I like to hike and be outdoors and the goal for the trip is 50% activity and 50% lazing on the beach or by the pool.

    I’d love to hear recs for places to stay or things to do, and whether we should cut Vieques out. A runner-up location is St. John instead of PR – any opinions on going there instead?

    1. I have heard Vieques is lovely (never been) but just so you know there is also a bio bay in Fajardo, on the main island of PR, an hour or so drive from San Juan. Kayaking there was the highlight of our PR vacation. I don’t know, but would guess, that if you don’t want to rent a car you could book a tour that would take you to the bio bay from San Juan for more $$.

      1. I’ve been to the bio bays at both Fajardo and Vieques, and by far preferred the one on Vieques. Also, Fajardo is the ferry port that gets you to Vieques, so if you’re going to Fajardo you might as well go to Vieques for the gorgeous beaches. We took a cab from San Juan to Fajardo, which was not cheap but ended up making more sense than renting a car just to leave it in Fajardo while we were on Vieques. Wherever you go, enjoy your trip!

    2. I took a trip to Puerto Rico for about a week and spent 3 days/2 nights in Vieques and it was one of the highlights of my trip. Other than the bio bay, our time in Vieques was spent lazing on the beach. We rented a car and drove to the ferry port from San Juan, and also stopped at El Yunque (the rainforest) on our way back to SJ. I’d definitely recommend both if you’re into hiking/the outdoors. Based on your interests, I’d suggest spending the bulk of your time in Vieques rather than San Juan. The beaches are beautiful and relatively quiet and there’s a variety of hiking trails/outdoor activities.

      We got a great deal for the Hotel El Convento, and it was worth every penny. We also did the Flavors of San Juan food tour and really enjoyed it. It was a walking tour with stops at different restaurants, so our guide told us about the history and culture of San Juan in addition to the food.

    3. GO TO ST. JOHN. I was just in the USVI and am obsessed with it, although we stayed on St. Thomas and only did a day trip to St. John. I love hiking and outdoorsy stuff, which there’s a ton of in St. John–basically the entire thing is a national park, so there are trails all over the place. Our day there, we did lunch in Cruz Bay, followed by a hike through the park up to some of the beaches where we chilled for the rest of the afternoon. If you’re looking for a balance between beaches and more active stuff, the USVI are literally perfect.

  17. Is there a polite way to tell people you hate stuff? Gifts are always so anxiety inducing because they cause mess and I just don’t like material things. If someone *must* get me a gift I’m good with wine or them taking me out to dinner. Otherwise I will guiltily hold onto something for a month and then donate it which seems like a waste to me

    1. It’s easy to deal with if people are asking you what they can get you: “There’s no need to buy me anything, but thank you for thinking of me. I try not to accumulate too much stuff, so a bottle of red wine would be great, or if you want to take me out to dinner, that would be great too!”

      If people are purchasing you unsolicited gifts, I don’t think there is much you can do.

    2. I feel the same way as you do about gifts and stuff. I haven’t found a solution to this, but I usually direct the conversation/efforts elsewhere when I can. For example, my mother asks what I want for Christmas, and I suggest something that’s experience-based, like going to dinner, wine tasting etc. and just be like “I just want to spend time with you!” I use this even when it isn’t true.

      Other than that, I don’t think you can avoid it much. I regift a lot.

      1. My family takes “I just want to spend time with you!” to mean “Don’t buy me anything nice! Buy me a bunch of small gag gifts and junky themed chotzkes I have no use for!” (This year: Really cheap, Hannukah themed pencils, of the kind that break constantly, don’t sharpen well, and write in a very faint graphite, among other Hannukah-themed gifts.)

    3. Lauren Conrad has an “eat, drink or burn” rule when it comes to gift ideas for when people ask. I think it’s genius!

    4. If you find one, post here. I actually do like material things, except only the material things I carefully pick out myself because I need or really want those particular things.

      It feels even worse when someone pays to ship something to you, and then you don’t want it!

    5. Generally, no. A gift is a gift and unless you are really close with someone the most polite thing is to accept it graciously. It is not their issue that you feel guilty for donating it later. At most, I would gift to them as you would like to be gifted or simply casually mention how much you love fancy olive oil/wine/whatever other consumable item isn’t awkward to bring up in context and hope they catch on.

  18. Does anyone have any of the Marc Jacobs crossbody bags? I’m thinking about buying the lil q ukita or too hot to handle mini shopper. I’m a little annoyed so many of the bags i was eyeing dont actually zip shut

    1. I have the lil ukita. I usually hate bags that don’t zip but I don’t find that to be a problem with this one because you can still close it and things won’t fall out. I think it’s a really good size i.e. it’s not as big as my work tote but I can still fit a decent amount of things in it for the weekend.

  19. I’m going to a conference in Orlando and will have an evening to myself. Is there any way to do an hour or so in one of the theme parks without buying a full day pass? Thanks!

    1. I don’t think there’s a way to get into a Disney park without buying a full day pass (or doing something even more expensive like a tour). Not sure about Universal.

      If I had a free evening to myself in Orlando and wanted to do something “Disney” without paying admission, I’d go to the California Grill at the Contemporary Hotel. Typically they require reservations, but there are almost always spots at the sushi bar, and you can order from the full menu there. Once you’re in, you can see the fireworks from the restaurant. It’s not cheap — you’ll likely spend as much on food and wine as you would on park admission — but it’s a great experience.

    2. If Orlando Disney is like the one in Anaheim, CA, then you can go to Downtown Disney without buying a pass. You don’t get access to any rides or anything – but there’s lots of shopping, entertainment, food, etc. I know at the Anaheim one you can see the fireworks from Downtown Disney every night.

    3. There is always the Downtown Disney area! There is an Irish Pub in there that had great music the last time we were there, and I think there is also a House of Blues. There is almost nothing you can accomplish inside the parks in an hour or less, but Downtown Disney might be the ticket.

    4. Check the conference website to see if they do discounted partial day tickets to the theme parks. They usually have to be bought in advance but I’ve been to multiple conferences in Orlando where they offer discounted tickets for the afternoon/evening.

  20. hive, help! I have a friend who’s having a really rough time TTC. It’s awful and horrible and I don’t know what to say to try to make any of it feel better (I know I can’t, but I wish I could). I want to send a care package, but I also don’t want to send something that’s accidentally insensitive. I was thinking some spa type things? A movie? Treats (but none that would trigger like booze).

    1. This is not a care package type thing. Hang out with her / talk on the phone / be there for her.

    2. I think a spa day is actually a great idea. If you are close by, just go to mani-pedis together with a glass of wine to relax and maybe dinner or lunch to talk if she wants. If you don’t live close by, a gift card for a massage would be nice. Although it’s good to talk about it and be supportive, sometimes it’s best to just help her relax and get everything off her mind! She’s probably thinking about it constantly so anything to give her a mental break would be appreciated.

    3. Agree that care package isn’t the way to go here but a gift certificate for a massage would be very nice. It’s really hard for someone who hasn’t gone through this to be truly supportive in the way your friend probably needs but I am sure she will appreciate that you are trying. I found that a lot of my well intentioned friends said really insensitive things to me when I was going through this. I knew they meant well but it was hard to take at the time. I think there are some good articles on stuff not to say to people who are going through this so I’d poke around for those. I’m not sure how close you are but if you want to go a few steps further, do a bit of research on whatever procedures/tests/etc she is going through so you can actually have a real conversation with her about them when she brings it up. Having someone who at least sort of knows what you are talking about when you say stuff like IUI or clomid or whatever is more valuable than you think.

    4. I am also TTC and having a rough time and I’d actually really love a care package. Here are a few things I’d like in it:

      Herbal teas
      A pair of movie tickets and microwave popcorn for a “date night”
      Some sort of fun lingerie [know your friend!!!]
      Gift card to a cafe near my fertility clinic – those early mornings can be brutal

      In the “accidentally insensitive” arena, I have recently diagnosed PCOS so I’m sort of eating like a pregnant diabetic under my doctor’s advice. So sweets/alcohol are out. Even the popcorn above would be mostly for my husband. If you know more details about why she’s having difficulty conceiving and what interventions (if any) she’s had, that could help guide you.

      1. And one more longshot idea. Not sure how close you are to her (geographically and emotionally), but one thing that would delight me like YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE would be if someone offered to learn how to do the trigger shot injections I’ll need starting soon. It would probably way too creepy for someone to come right out and offer, but since you asked… :-)

  21. Any suggestions on a warm winter hat that will look professional? I am a 60 year old lawyer. No berets, watch caps, bucket hats.

  22. Any suggestions for a retirement gift for my MIL? She’s retiring from a career that has been very important to her, although I don’t get the feeling she’ll be “lost” without it. She’s been an amazing support to my husband and me in the last few years while we weathered some rockiness (two long bouts of unemployment, birth of two babies, serious health scare) and we’d like to do something special for her. A piece of jewelry comes to mind but I have no idea what kind. I think we’d want to spend anywhere from $200-$500. My husband thought to send her on a trip, but we don’t think she’d like to go alone (she’s widowed and our children are too young for us all to go together). Any thoughts?

    1. Day at a spa with the full treatment so she can relax her way into her new lifestyle.

    2. Does she have any hobbies she’d like to pursue? (Pottery, painting, sewing, cooking, woodworking, etc.) You could get her a class that would both encourage her hobbies, as well as give her a bit of structure in her newly-retired life. If budget allows, jewelry would be nice too – maybe a necklace with your childrens’ birthstones?

  23. Need some advice. I am currently in a 1 year clerkship. I accepted the offer of employment from my 2L summer firm (judge is fine with this) and am planning to go back, and in fact, looking forward to it. But my firm has had some rocky times this year and I’m feeling a bit unsure about its stability moving forward. Would it be bad form to apply to other firms and just see what my options are, if any? I’ve talked to some people at the firm about it a little bit, but everyone seems to be sure that everything is great there. I want to believe them! I’m also afraid of any firm I apply to contacting my firm for references and putting them on notice that I’m looking elsewhere. What should I do?

    1. I am not an expert, and I’m curious to hear what others say, but I would recommend going ahead and looking at other firms.

      I’m in something of a similar position — currently clerking and holding on to the law firm offer from 2L. I’m not dealing with the issue of possible insecurity in the 2L firm, but I am looking at other firms. I am not too worried about losing the 2L offer becauseI am fairly sure that looking around — particularly after a clerkship — is fairly common. For me, I’m getting married and planning to relocate, so I’m interviewing with firms in a different city than the firm where I have an offer. I don’t really expect that potential firms will contact the firm where I summered for a reference, because they should “get” what’s going on. If I was interviewing with firms in my 2L city, I would probably be nervous that lawyers who know each other personally might mention it, but I still would go ahead and look around.

      Also, the fact that you got an offer would seem to indicate that the firm liked you enough to offer you a job. I would think that the judge for whom you’re clerking would be a much more valuable reference from the firm’s perspective, as he or she will have known you and your work much more thoroughly.

      One more thing: Personally, I wouldn’t drop even a hint to anyone at the firm where you have an offer that you might look around. Not even to your fellow summer associates or friends. I would be more worried about screwing up the offer that way, or starting off on the wrong foot if you do end up going back.

      Just my thoughts. I’m sure that anyone with experience in a firm will have better input! But know that other clerks in similar positions are shopping.

      1. Thanks, that’s helpful. I think I’m gonna repost frontpage on Monday just to see what more people think. And yeah–good advice, re not mentioning it to anyone. I haven’t said anything to people at my firm. When I said that I’ve talked about “it,” I’ve always framed it within the context of me definitely being there, because that’s what I figured would be happening. I’ve also been making an effort to keep in touch with folks at the firm. So I’m not worried I’ve sent the wrong message already, but I will keep that in mind if I do send out any resumes.

      2. Normally, I would agree with this advice. But it sounds like the OP already accepted her offer. I would think it’s bad form to accept and then back out. If my firm found out someone did that, we might pull the offer because it’s such bad form. (If the person hadn’t accepted yet, we wouldn’t care.) But if you really think the firm won’t be around anymore, might as well look.

    2. I’ve interviewed for many lateral positions(and received several offers) and had the same concern, especially because I practice a specialized area of law with a small bar in which everyone knows everyone And many people who would hire me have been friends with the partner I work for for decades. However, to the best of my knowledge no one ever contacted my current firm for references during my job search. In fact, when I tried to quit (but didn’t due to a counteroffer), they were shocked I had been interviewing. I think there is a general understanding among law firms that they can’t contact a candidate’s current firm about the candidate. In fact, my large firm’s policy is that we do not provide references, and only confirm title and dates of employment. Not sure if that is typical, but if so then firms would know that there is no point asking for a reference.

      Anecdotally, a friend who clerked changed her mind about returning to her 2L summer firm and they had no idea she had been interviewing until she told them she wasn’t going to come back.

    3. BigLaw junior partner here.

      No one will contact references without asking.

      Looking around during the clerkship is normal.

      When you are asked by potential new employers why you are looking, you can be upfront about your concerns re stability of the firm that gave you the offer. I would see that as an asset–the person cares about the future of the firm.

  24. So after my physical this week when I agreed with my Dr. that I need to exercise, I am looking for recommendations on cold weather gear. I have decided my starting goal will be to go running twice a week as that seems most realistic, given both the freezing weather and my lack of time(work is crazy now). I used to get my exercise at a gym but fell off the bandwagon there and don’t really want to go that route again. I’m planning on getting a good pair of running shoes but other than that, I have no clue what I need to run in cold weather. Obviously some type of insulating leggings but the options are kind of overwhelming so any help narrowing things down would be much appreciated!

    1. Consider getting trail running shoes versus regular running shoes. I’ve found that they make my winter runs much more pleasant, with the additional waterproofing and added traction. I bought the Salomen Fellraisers and am obsessed with them.

      Insulating/wicking base layers. I like the Under Armour Cold Gear tights. A down vest is my favorite outer layer for runs below 30 degrees F.

      Hat + running gloves. And if you’ll be running after dark, reflective gear. I do a headlamp + reflective vest and put a reflective vest on my dog too.

      1. I second trial shoes. I run in them in the winter and do appreciate the additional traction especially as I run on my toes, which is where all the good traction stuff is!

        I also second everything else Anon said. I have some of the Target C9 base layer stuff and I like it just fine. I grabbed a clearance fluorescent yellow Nike dri-fit t-shirt that I throw on over the rest of my gear, as all the rest of my gear is black (although I do not run in the dark, dark really).

        I don’t like running in hats, so I grabbed one of those ear band/head band things, which I can tuck my ear bud under and ponytail through.

      2. Yaktrax are great for traction. Also, Smartwool running socks will help keep your feet warm. A running hat (with a hole for a ponytail) is awesome because you can keep your hair tied up and off your neck. I also wear a hoodie because with the hood up your neck stays a lot warmer. A wind proof running jacket.

    2. I recommend getting something for your neck. I found that running with temps in the 20s made breathing almost painful (since you’re doing it at such high volume). Personally I use fleece neck warmers, which have been an easy and cheap solution.

      I don’t use a hat or gloves because I find that no matter how cold it is, I get too hot for them after about 15 min. Instead I wear a hoodie, and at the beginning of the run just put the hood up and keep my hands up in the sleeves. I’m sure I don’t look fly, but it means no extra items to carry or wash later.

    3. I learned this the hard way: when you run in the snow, move your legs and feet more up/down than front/back. That helped me slip and fall less often.

      I like wearing glove liners as running gloves.

      I also like wearing a headlamp (if you are running in snow, it’s often dark). Mine is a petzel brand with a retractable strap.

    4. So, cold weather for me is in the 30s so you might need to adjust this advice a little. Dress in layers until you figure out how hot you get when you run. The rule of thumb is usually dress like it is 20 degrees warmer than it is. Obviously this changes a bit based on wind, how sunny it is, if you are running by a big body of water, etc. Personally, I get really hot when I run and tend to shed gloves and hats very quickly. I like top layers that have the thumbhole sleeves and at least a quarter zip so I can adjust as I warm up. I do a alot of pre-dawn runs during the week. I love my Nathan reflective vest and also have a flashing armband. We don’t get ice/snow so I only have to worry about tree limbs and pine cones as tripping hazards in the dark.

  25. After consulting with my doctor and weeks of reading, I decided to go the Mirena route for BC. Other than take 800mg of ibuprofen, any other tips for before the insertion procedure and/or for recovery? Also, anyone else go the IUD route before having children, while still wanting children in the future?

    1. Maybe take nice hot bath afterwards with some scented candles to relax? The afternoon was uncomfortable but I was totally fine the next day. No real advice, but I loooooove my Mirena. 7 years now. (new one at 5yrs, obvs)

    2. I love my Mirena…. had it for a year & have not had one p*e*r*i*o*d.

      That being said, I felt really unprepared for the insertion in terms of pain, and for how crampy & nauseated I felt afterwards. I have had kids and had it implanted around a year after giving birth.

      Try to schedule it for the end of the day on a day you can go home & do nothing but be a lump on the couch and feel sorry for yourself.

    3. I’ve had a Mirena for about a year and a half now – I LOVE IT (awesome fun bonus of no real periods (occasional spotting but nothing even warranting a pad or tampon (TMI? Sorry!)) I was 27 when I got it, in a monogamous relationship (huge here due to the potential for severe complications should you somehow contract a STD), and am childless and unsure about future children.

      As for insertion – I took two aleve beforehand, opted to have the doctor use the Novocain shots. Basically I only felt the shots (which hurt like a shot is apt to do), some pressure and tugging and was generally OK. Drove myself home and worked from home for the afternoon. It was a bit uncomfortable and crampy at first, though nothing worse than usual period cramps, and was quickly resolved with a few more aleve at appropriate timing.

      In short, good luck – theres some horror stories out there, but candidly it was one of the best decisions of my life. And I’ve probably saved a decent amount of money not having to buy feminine hygiene products to top it all off.

    4. I have had several IUDs since 1984, and I love them. Mine have all been non-hormonal, first Copper 7 and now Copper T.

      Most MDs have given me a scrip for a muscle relaxant to take a few hours before the insertion and an antibiotic to take for a day or two before and day or two after.

      No kids wanted or conceived, so I can’t comment on that.

      I will say this re what to expect: in my experience, the insertions are no big deal (minor cramping for a day after, but the actual procedure feels like a Pap smear). The removal X years later is what I find more painful in the moment. But you don’t have to worry about that now!

    5. It hurt more than natural childbirth. Seriously. Either that, or I have some major childbirth amnesia. But I still loved it so much I had it replaced 5 years later.

      1. This is actually incredibly comforting. I’ve never given birth, but the insertion was literally the most painful experience of my life.

        For the OP, I would judge what you should do to prepare based on how awful Pap smears are for you. I hate them, and think they’re incredibly painful, if they’re terrible like that for you, talk to your ob-gyn about extreme painkillers ahead of time. Otherwise, the ibuprofen and maybe some naproxen should be fine.

        But I agree, totally worth it. After a month of constant spotting and some serious cramping, I only have a 6 hour period every three months and enjoy sex way more because I don’t worry as much.

    6. I had Mirena and Paragard, and I hated Mirena. Most people LOVE it, so I think that my experience was not usual, but I spotted nonstop for 9 months, my hair fell out, and I started getting acne like crazy. It sounds like you’ve already made a choice about it (and it’s good for most people), but just be aware if you do have that sort of experience afterward that it can be related to the Mirena (I didn’t put it together for a long time, other than the spotting.) My Paragard insertion was awful, so my midwife gave me a cervical softener to use prior to the Mirena insertion, which helped A LOT. I would recommend asking if that’s an option!

    7. love my mirena (less than a year in) but like PP have said, insertion was brutal. I have also had unmedicaed CB, and the cramping that I had after insertion was worse than labor. I definitely agree with having nothing to do the rest of the day. I was fortunate and had narcs left over from previous rx.

    8. I have the mirena and I love it. The insertion hurt really badly as it was happening but stopped hurting as soon as it was in. I had some cramping afterwards but I’ve had worse period cramps. I had it done on a Friday afternoon and was fine by that night. My doctor suggested staying on the pill for a month after insertion to prevent spotting. I did and have had no spotting at all. I’ve had it six months and haven’t had a period in five. It’s awesome.

    9. I took 800 mgs of motrin beforehand. My doctor suggested opting out of the numbing shot because the shot itself is pretty uncomfortable and takes a while to work. I decided to go for just one painful moment instead of a shot (I’ve had one child). Insertion was about 90 seconds of pretty intense pain that resolved into mild crampiness. I was able to go back to work that afternoon. I felt slightly “off” for 24 hours, but after that felt fine. It’s been 15 months and I am pleased.

    10. I have the copper-t. I got it when I was 17 and I’m 25 now. Kids aren’t in the picture for another 3-5 years. I personally didn’t think the insertion hurt any more than a pap smear.

    11. This might be too late for you to see – but I love my Mirena IUD. Insertion was not bad at all, and Inormally hate pap smears. Some pinching when it went in, like a particularly uncomfortable pap smear, and it was over. I had some cramping that day and occasional cramps the next day, but a heating pad made them go away like magic. Highly recommend getting a heating pack beforehand.
      This is based on anecdotal evidence, but I suspect that how much experience your physician has with IUD insertions impacts how painful it is. I went to the family planning clinic of my hospital, where the doctors were putting in multiple IUDs a day. My friend who went somewhere similar also felt very little pain.

      1. “This is based on anecdotal evidence, but I suspect that how much experience your physician has with IUD insertions impacts how painful it is.”

        That’s a good point. My gynecologist who inserted mine seemed to have a lot of patients with them, based on our conversations, and the insertion was barely any more pain than a regular pap (I normally don’t have painful paps, either). I took Ibuprofen that day and as necessary for a few days after. I had it inserted on a Friday afternoon and had some really painful cramps over the weekend, but was fine going back to work on Monday.

        For about 6 months after, I would have moderate cramps when I had my period (I had never really had cramps before) but after that my period was pretty much non-existent. I’ve had it for almost 3 years now and I love it! I don’t want to ever use anything else! I don’t have any kids but would like to have some eventually have kids. According to my gyno and my own personal experience, not having kids isn’t an issue with Mirena.

  26. I have my heart set on seeing “On the Town” on Broadway in April. I don’t live in New York and am seeking the Hive’s advice on buying the tickets. I need the tix in hand when I arrive in NYC. I know they will be pricey, but there are some sites with fewer fees and I don’t know whether they are legit. Does anyone have any recommendations? I could ask a friend to stop by the theater and pick up the paid-for tickets, if that changes anything, but I can’t ask him to pick the seats and actually buy tickets.

    1. I’ve bought tix on Broadwaybox dot com in the past. The discounts are legit, and you print them yourself.

  27. Recognizing that this is a ridiculous problem to have, but…does anyone have an iPhone 6+, and if so, do you have any exercise bands or something that will hold this phone while exercising?

    I run outside at 5 am and I don’t like the idea of being without my phone if something happens, but it’s so huge. Do I just have to suck it up and have a giant phone on my bicep?

    1. Granted I have the 5s, not the 6+, but I just hold my phone in my hand during my run.

    2. Flipbelt! It’s basically a stretch piece of fabric with holes in it for pockets. I have a flip belt, and don’t notice my phone in it.

      1. I love my Flipbelt, too, but I’m not sure it will accommodate the 6+. That’s practically an iPad Mini.

    3. I just suck it up and exercise with a giant phone strapped to my bicep. It turns out it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I have the Flipbelt too, but haven’t tried it yet.

    4. I personally prefer my SpiBelt to the Flip Belt- A running buddy’s keys somehow came out of her flip belt (it wasn’t zipped/didn’t zip), but I’ve never had that issue with my SpiBelt.

      I’ve also just run with it my hand, but 90% of the time, it’s going in my spibelt, along with whatever else I need.

    5. I have an extremely high tech solution. I put my phone in a ziplock bag and then into the front of my b ra. As long as you have the compression rather than encapsulation kind that might be worth a try.

  28. I need a new laptop. Mine is old and not reliable especially for the bar exam! Any suggestions on a good laptop? I also need it ASAP so I can use it on the exam and I don’t have as much time as I would like to research all of the options. Thanks!

    1. I have a Toshiba ultra book that I’ve been really happy with. Long battery life, very light and a long cord for when you need to plug it in.

  29. Moonstone, Em and Bonnie. Thank you! Professionals have told me to be more compassionate and less self-critical, and you guys do a great job supporting me. I appreciate you. I have room for improvement, but I am doing pretty well, and I thank you.

  30. I’m trying to decide whether to cancel a weekend trip due to a change in briefing schedule that occurred after I planned the trip. I have taken a total of 4 days off since March 2011 and am extremely burnt out. But if I go, I will only have 3.5 days to write 3 important briefs. (I would have 5.5 days if I cancel the trip.). And I expect that if I go I will just worry about the briefs the whole time instead of relaxing which obviously is counterproductive. The partner has told me not to cancel my plans and to demonstrate how strongly he felt, said he would have someone else do the work if I went (but he has acknowledged that this is an empty threat for a variety of uninteresting reasons). If I cancel, I won’t be able to go on vacation for at least 2 more months. What would you do?

    1. If it was me, I’d first try to see if there’s any way that I could get a jump start on those briefs right away. If I really would end up with just 3.5 days, and if the briefs were really important, then I would probably stay.

      I get being burnt out. For me, taking trips is never as relaxing, and I think that being away for only a weekend wouldn’t do me that much good, anyway, especially with the hassle of traveling. I would probably make a deal with myself that I’d get the work done in 4 or 4.5 days, and then take the balance of the time to just relax at home. But that’s just me.

      Also, is there any chance the court would adjust the briefing schedule? I’ve seen it done many times where counsel had pre-paid vacations. Just a thought.

    2. you’ve taken 4 days off in the past 4 years? I actually have very little sympathy. I don’t care how horrendous your job is, if you’ve taken 4 days off in 4 years, it’s you, not them. Your boss is telling you to go. Go, and stop being a martyr. it ruins work for the rest of us.

      1. The reasons for only taking 4 days off in the past 4 years involve a complicated situation that has nothing to do with work. It’s only relevant to explain my level of burnout.

  32. Any recommendations for destination wedding locations? Looking to get married near the ocean (not on the sand though) this December. We will most likely have about 20 guests join us and a few are children. Thanks!

    1. Hotel del Coronado in San Diego. I’ve never been to one there but it would be fabulous.

      1. I saw a wedding at the Hotel Del and it was beautiful so I second. Note that there are lots of guests sort of around so not necesarily in your wedding but observers. this may be the same wherever you end up close to an ocean though.

    2. It might not be warm, but the Grand Hotel in Point Clear, AL is lovely. They have a gazebo that’s right on the water. It’s not technically on the ocean – it’s on Mobile Bay.

  33. I doubt very many people are going to see this at this point, but I thought I’d give it a shot.

    I just purchased a light box because I believe I’ve been suffering from SAD for some time – my therapist did as well, and suggested the box last year because I thought it seemed “silly.” But since I seem to be back in the same place this winter as last, I thought I’d give it a shot.

    So this was a dumb oversight on my point but I did not realize you are supposed to sit in front of it for thirty minutes every morning. I have a two year old and am not a morning person at all. How do people work in thirty minutes of just sitting somewhere every morning? Sure I could drink my coffee or check some emails while I do that, but neither is part of my regular routine (I do both once I get to the office and can only access my work emails from my phone). I guess I could use it at work at my desk, but it’s a box not a lamp, and I think I would be kind of embarrassed to have it in the office. Any suggestions? I really want to give this a chance. Thanks.

    1. I brought mine into work and, yes, there were comments. But after a few days no one mentioned it.

    2. One of my colleagues has one and we make fun of him for it because that’s how we express affection in my workplace but nobody actually cares, at all. He has the Phillips GoLite Blu and it’s pretty small and cute, for a light box.

      1. You express affection by making fun of a device someone needs for their mental health? i feel like that crosses a line even in that kind of work environment.

        2. In the past 3 days on this site I’ve been told that it’s wrong to shred my credit cards, it’s wrong to buy anything ever if I have credit card debt, and it’s wrong to affectionately tease my colleagues. So you’ll have to excuse me that I have no more f*cks to give about stranger on the internets opinions about what I am doing wrong in my real life.

          1. Just in case you see this, I wanted to say that I personally appreciated your willingness to disclose your financial situation. In contrast to the personal advice and comments on this site – which I think are generally great – the financial advice tends to be so judgy. I don’t even share anything, even on an anonymous site, because I feel like people will tell me I’m Doing It Wrong and I just don’t need the agita. Anyway. There are lots of us out there who have suboptimal finances, for whatever reason, and I’m glad you were willing to talk about it.

          2. I chimed in on the “shredding credit cards” and IIRC, no one said it was “wrong”. Some people did suggest other ideas (and the reasoning behind them), but no one said it was wrong for you to do that.

          4. Thanks. It makes sense that someone who can’t afford Chilton out of pocket probably isn’t maxing out their 401k and putting down 20% on a Stars Hallow apartment either. Thank you.

    3. Just take it to the office. If I saw this in a colleague’s office, I would think: 1) what is that? and 2) great idea, this gray weather every winter really bums me out too, maybe I should get one. I don’t think you have to explain that you have a therapist or SAD or anything – you can just say that it’s a light box and it brightens up your office. Though if you want to say that you have SAD, I think that you’ll find that many people say something along the lines of, “Hey, me too.”

    4. Tons of people at my law firm have light boxes. I’ve been thinking about getting one. I think you can put it in your office and not give it another thought.

  34. confession: I’m at a club and the strobe lights make me feel like I’m about to seize/have a migraine. I keep sneaking to the bathroom for normal lighting/to play words with friends. In the prolific words of Danny glover – I’m too old for this shit. Tell me I’m not alone?

    1. You are not alone. The super load noise of concerts makes me nervous now and I got earplugs from the staff when I was upfront at an STP concert last year. Old is okay. :)

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