Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

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  1. Baconpancakes :

    Happy Friday!

    Local government has today off, so I’m happily wasting time on the internet, which led me to creating a house motto, a la Game of Thrones.

    What would your house motto be? I’m still working on ours, but it should have something to do with hearts and whiskey.

  2. Jules paging Reader L re non-leather shoes :

    I was offline yesterday and missed Kat’s round-up of vegan shoes. I don’t wear leather either, and wasn’t familiar with some of these brands, which look great.

    I have some cute non-leather shoes and booties from mainstream brands, but it takes some looking. (But I can’t do heels higher than 2” so maybe my choices wouldn’t be everyone’s.) Zappos will let you search by material, so you can look for synthetic, fabric or microfiber. I’ve had good luck with Aerosoles, Rockport, Nine West (the Kimly line; unfortunately not the Total Motion line), Easy Street, LifeStride (you have to weed out both leather and frumpiness in the last two especially), sometimes Bandolino. I also have two pairs of La Canadienne microfiber boots that I love, including some knee-high wedges that are my go-to for really bad weather when I’m not in a position to change shoes before meetings and the like. Links will follow to avoid mod.

    The Rockport booties I’m linking to are super-comfortable and I get compliments all the time, and the pumps that are more like shooties are great. The Rockport patent pumps, though, for some reason pinch my toes, and I was too late to return them. I’ve worn the purple several times and always regret it when I do but the black are NIB. I’m an 8, very occasionally a 7.5, and bought them in an 8; if you want them you can have the black ones for the cost of shipping. And the Easy Street sling-backs are so comfortable I bought them in four colors.

    • Gah, why was this in moderation for nearly an hour and a half?

      Here are the links.

      Rockport strappy pumps (more like a shootie):

      Rockport boots:

      Easy Street slingbacks:

      Rockport pumps:

      Bandolino Mary Janes:

      La Canadienne boots:

      • Anonymous :

        Those La Canadienne’s are great. They are so much better than I expected from the pix alone, and are very flattering on and work well with my narrow calves. Comfortable wedge, waterproof, warm, and I can get away with wearing them all day at work when I need to running around the hospital. I live in snowy midwest and have worn them for 3 years and they still look perfect.

        I have had professional women stop me on the street when I am wearing them, asking me what they are.

        When I wear them, I feel like Wonder Woman!

    • As another non-leather wearer, thanks for posting this!

    • Sr Software Zookeeper :

      I will totally take the patent pumps! Best way to contact?

  3. Anonymous :

    I posted this in the last thread but no responses, so hopefully it’s ok if I repost here.

    I need help dealing with a toxic coworker. I don’t report to him, but he’s “above” me in the org chart. Any time he doesn’t know something or is worried he’s messed up (which is OFTEN. He is under-qualified for the role and doesn’t understand the industry), instead of communicating about it or asking for help, he throws a total fit and tries to throw anyone but himself under the bus. If you try to nicely work things out and come to a collaborative resolution, he still can’t stop himself from yelling and trying to pin the accountability on you, so it’s just a non-starter. Usually after he screams at you, he’ll walk away for half an hour, and then come back and have the original conversation with no acknowledgment of the fact that he was just having a tantrum.

    It’s incredibly disruptive, especially since he’s in operations so he sticks his hands in virtually everything anyone does (while actually doing very little). For some reason he seems immune right now from repercussions and I have no idea why. HR is sympathetic (he actually yelled in the HR person’s face early on) but their hands are tied because, again, incomprehensibly immune.

    How do I handle this?? Everyone hates him except the CEO, because he kisses up and punches down, even though this guy has demonstrably lost the company money. Other than this I like the job for the most part and don’t want to leave.

    • Mineallmine :

      Try not to take his tantrums personally and just box him out of whatever you’re doing to keep him as irrelevant as possible. Assume he will always be a jerk so stop wasting your time trying to get a different outcome with him. I know that’s easier said than done, and you’re probably reading this thinking of all the ways you can’t avoid him, but I promise, letting go of the idea of him ever being reasonable will help your mental state immensely.

      Don’t engage, don’t try to ‘win’ or make him see reason. If you have to interact, give him the information or whatever as drily as possible, preferably by email for distance and documentation, then disengage. If you need something from him, try to cultivate other sources as much as possible and make your requests by email, at least initially. Since everyone knows he’s a useless jerk, he loses a lot of his power to mess with your work. He’s just an annoying bee buzzing in everyone’s ears, don’t give him more power than he has. Good luck.

      • He is his supervisor’s responsibility to improve, discipline or fire and push that up the chain. Chances are, others want him gone, and this is important, They Cannot Share Disciplinary Actions With Others. Sucks, yes, but given the massive level of dislike, either he’s Not Bad Enough to Fire, or there is a LOOOOOONG process underway, and hey, he could improve, but yeah, with entrenched patterns, it’s better for him to have a fresh start elsewhere with the reputation he has.

        So…let it go. When you need to “manage up”, do so. Keep PROFESSIONAL email flowing so there is a data trail of your capability and vision for this area of the org so that a) when he is let go, you can be in the consideration for leveling up or b) so you have stellar references when you move on. If he does something illegal or reportable, absolutely respond to that, but for the rank and file, he is a known behavioral problem. Share what is problematic in a constructive manner that makes it up the chain of command until he is outed as a liability, which can take years, so be patient.

        A last option is drawing a line in the behavioral sand to be That Person that he thinks twice about raising his voice to. That would take calling out his “yell and cool down” behavior so he does his Upset Dance elsewhere before he shows up in front of you. Just floating that balloon, as some people are more up for this than others.

    • Can you just get up and walk away when he starts a tantrum? Maybe say “I look forward to discussing this with you when you’re calm but I refuse to be screamed at” and then walk away to somewhere with lots of people around? This won’t stop his behavior but it’ll remove you from the abuse and if he continues, he’ll be doing so around many, which may help to either stop him or allow proof of the frequency of this. I’d also keep a document of this so you’ve got record to provide to HR… even if you just email them very time to report that the incident occurred Maybe this’ll build a case for them to remove him or it’ll keep things clear if he tries to damage you for not standing there listening to his tantrums.

  4. SF Date Help! Also: Date question for hive. :

    Hello, hello! I have 36 hours with DH in San Francisco next week and I am trying to plan a fun date day for Saturday. Please, please share your recommendations. No car, not a huge preference on part of town. We’ve been before, so no need to do the super touristy things. I haven’t booked a hotel yet, will depend on the activities/recs.

    I’ve prepared an itinerary outline, but not married to it:

    1. Morning exercise of some sort – A hike would be great, but we’d be relying on lyft. Open to doing a fun studio class – anything to get a sweat going. We’re early 30s and pretty active.

    2. Leisurely Brunch – We want something tasty, but not to wait forever in line. If we can make reservations, that would be perfect but just as long as its not one of those “2 hour wait” type places.

    3. Fun Couple Activity – Wine tasting, bowling, Dolores Park?

    4. Hotel – Any favorites? Looking to hover around $300/night

    Any recs? Thank you in advance – I’m totally overwhelmed.

    Date Question: What’s everyone’s favorite date activity? Mine is definitely doing a pretty hike.

    • Morning hike–hike Land’s End or Crissy Field, then Uber to the Magic Flute in Laurel Heights for a delish brunch. They take reservations.

      You could wine taste at Taste. There’s also a bunch of wineries on Treasure Island, and I like SF Winery out of that bunch.

      Fave hotel: Hotel Vitale, hands down.

      Check out Sunset magazine for more recs–I haven’t lived in SF in several years, but all of these should be good!

      • Second hiking Crissy Field — and over the Golden Gate Bridge and back if you want to go farther. Ella’s is the famous place in Pac Heights for brunch, but I’m reasonably sure they don’t take reservations, so it’s a two-hour wait kind of place. Magic Flute should be good. To stay in that area, check out the Hotel Drisco. SPQR on Fillmore or Spruce on Sacramento would be great for a fancy dinner. Or La Folie or Harris’ in Russian Hill — or Gary Danko if you want to go spendy.

    • I would hike around Lands End – and then do brunch or lunch at the cliff house.

      • Second the Lands End hike/walk suggestion, but If you want a less touristy (you’re paying for the view at the Cliff House but the food is terrible) but awesome brunch close to there, go to Cassava or Marla Bakery on Balboa b/n 36th and 38th – Cassava is Japanese influenced, and Marla is more comfort food. Both are exceptional, locals and take reservations.

        On hotels, check out Stanyon Park Hotel, it’s a b&b style place by Golden Gate Park, bordering on the Haight. Friends stay there and rave – it’s a nice neighborhood alternative to downtown.

        I’ve got a ton of recommendations I’d be happy to share if you post an email.

    • If you wanted to do something slightly different but very beautiful you could hike the Marin headlands starting at the Tennessee Valley trailhead. If you are quite fit can do amazing hike to Muir beach.

      Other options in SF are the House for lunch in north beach and hike around north beach and up to coit tower. I also LOVE the slanted door and the embarcadero

      • SF dweller :

        Second the rec for the Slanted Door – it’s fantastic. Yank Sing for dim sum is also very good, or La Mar if you’re into ceviche.

        The Lands End hike is terrific, and Baker Beach is great (if a little touristy) for photo ops. While Fort Point is also a little touristy, it’s a unique view of the Golden Gate.

        There is also a Klimt/Rodin exhibit at the Legion of Honor right now which is supposed to be awesome (haven’t been to it yet myself). The Eyvind Earle exhibit at the Disney museum is also great (I loved it, actually).

        For wine tasting, you could take the ferry across the Bay and do a wine-tasting at Rosenblum Cellars in Jack London Square in Oakland. It’s right on the water immediately adjacent to the ferry dock and has great views of the city. And the ferry ride can be fun, if that’s your thing.

    • Min Donner :

      Afternoon trip to Hangar One distillery on Alameda by ferry!


      I think there is also a wine tasting room or two in the neighborhood.

  5. Gail the Goldfish :

    This sentence from the NY Times article crystallized my annoyance with the whole “but Hillary was a bad candidate”argument better than anything else I’ve seen for me:

    “As though competent, qualified women are so thin on the ground that even a concerted, sincere, large-scale search for one would be a long shot, and any resulting candidate a compromise.

    Meanwhile, as a reminder of the bar for male competence, Donald Trump is the president.”

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Oh, that was from the Weekly News Update. That’s what I get for having multiple tabs open.

    • nasty woman :

      That point also jumped out at me. Enraging. It really does go to show that men are presumed competent (long after they’ve revealed themselves to be incompetent) and women are constantly assumed incompetent unless constantly proving themselves otherwise.

    • Anonymous :

      But the Presidency requires skills beyond sl-t shaming your husband’s [email protected] victims to keep him, and by extension, yourself, in political power.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        Well if we’re going to talk about sexual assault, “Meanwhile, as a reminder of the bar for male competence, Donald Trump is the president.”

      • Right. Because that is an accurate and complete assessment of Hillary Clinton’s experience, skills, and competencies. Wow. Also, what Gail said.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Trolllllllllllllllll. Trolling troll under the troll bridge.

  6. Anonymous :

    We are hosting my husband’s extended family for a Christmas party Dec 9. I’ve taken a hard look at my living room furniture and would like to replace it quick if that’s even possible (It’s an Ashley couch and loveseat 15 years old, no stains but misshapen cushions). Has anyone gotten furniture delivered lately on that short of a timeframe? I’d need a couch, loveseat, 2 side tables and a coffee table. Suggestions please?

    • My local furniture store has a basement warehouse with discontinued colors and custom orders noone ever picked up. You can walk out the door with your furniture that day. Check and see if you have something similar close by?

    • cat socks :

      Do you have a Macy’s furniture showroom nearby? We bought a mattress from there and if I recall, they were able to deliver it fairly quickly.

    • I just ordered furniture from CB2 and got a delivery date 2 weeks later. I think you should call the stores you might be interested in and see what might be possible.

      • Also if the couch is the kind that has cushion covers that zip off, you might be able to simply wrap the misshappen cushions in quilt batting and then put the covers back on. Quilt batting is available online and in craft stores and should camoflauge the worst of the misshapen-ness.

        • Anonymous :

          Super tempting. I just found two good options on Macy’s.com but I should try this first…

          • I have a Macy’s sectional couch that I love!!! Great quality, way cheaper than other places, does not look cheap, and bonus–fit in the teensy elevator in my building, which was why I had to jettison my previous couch.

    • Anonymous :

      You have almost a month, so it’s not really that short a time frame. I’ve had furniture delivered from Macy’s, Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, Crate and Barrel and other stores in about 2-3 weeks on plenty of occasions. Once you figure out what you want, I’d call to place the order rather than doing it online so they can confirm the items are in stock and can be delivered by your deadline. Most stores shouldn’t have a problem delivering by Dec. 9 unless the item is custom made or not currently in stock.

    • It’s not impossible, but if you want it that fast, you probably won’t have any opportunities to customize your fabrics/finishes. My recommendation would be to find out if what you’re buying/ordering is in stock either at the retailer, or at supplier or manufacturer on the up-front. If you can’t find something you like in your timeframe, camouflage with some new pillows and order what you really want.

    • D. Meagle :

      Any Raymour & Flanigan near you? They generally deliver within a week. I’ve been relatively happy with what I’ve bought from them.

      • Second for Raymour and Flanigan. There stuff tends to last for awhile and doesn’t show its age. Also quick delivery time and usually some type of sale going on. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could get a Veteran’s day deal still.

    • Article delivered my green velvet couch in a week. That said, unless you find something you love, it’s a lot to spend to replace furniture all at once and at the holidays you can hide a lot of sins w a tree and twinkle lights.

    • You can get new inserts for couch cushions for like $25.

  7. Lo & Sons :

    Just want to give a shout-out to Lo & Sons for their customer service. A piece of the leather peeled off the corner of my Seville. They got back to me in less than a day, and after I sent them a photo of the problem they’re sending me a new leather shell free of charge. I liked them before but now I’m definitely a loyal customer.

    • turtletorney :

      my experience has been similar. I’m a super loyal customer now. my OG is more than 5 years old and in PERFECT condition. & my Pearl has held up to seriously abuse. It is amazing!

    • Same here :

      Yeah, I had an issue with my OG handle coming apart after a year or so, and they sent me a new one (and had me send the old one back so they could have their manufacturer take a look at it). Amazing customer service.

      • Wildkitten :

        They sent me a new one and I sent the cracked one to my little cousin (who gets all my handbags once I have determined them insufficiently professional for my career.) It’s probably a little too old for her (she loves my like, kate spade crossbodies) but she loves fancy bags and is a student so I sent it to her anyway.

        • I think you are haveing issues with your leather b/c you do NOT use saddel soap or mink oil on them to keep them soft like I do. I NEVER have a problem with my handbags b/c I take CARE of them, and that includes haveing my cleaning lady polish them and clean them and put MINK oil on the entire handbag and handle. If the rest of the HIVE only knew this they would have much better experences with their handbag’s! YAY!!!!!!!

  8. Has anyone tried Of Mercer for work dresses? Any comment, particularly in plus sizes?

    • Anonymous :

      I’m not in plus sizes, but I’m 5-4. I felt like the length (from a couple of years ago, so check for current lengths) was adequate for me, but likely too short for anyone taller. I have the sleeved black wool sheath with the v in the back and had it taken in b/c I’m pear shaped (so if you are a pear, size up to accommodate your hips — the cut was more straight than pear-perfect).

      • another pear :

        I’m a pear and ordered what I think was the same dress, and for me, the shape was fine, but what I really needed was a petite. I’m 5’3″, and though I’m pear-y enough that no one would describe me as “leggy”, I do in fact have most of my height in my legs. Consequently, the torso was too long and the arm placement was weird. I had it altered, and it looks good but not great now (I think the alterations weren’t quite right or enough). Anyway, the dress is great and I think the brand is worth trying. I’d give it another shot if they started stocking petites

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I keep looking at their dresses so would be interested in hearing what people have to say.

    • i'll play :

      i love it. i’m 5-4 and pear, size 12. i have the same v-back dress that other commenters mentioned – it hugs me in the right places but isn’t tight, and is the perfect length for me.

    • Wanderlust :

      I’m 5’4, short waisted and apple-shaped. I loved all of the dresses online and was super psyched to go to the NYC store… but not one of them looked good on my body shape. Sigh.

  9. Jules paging Reader L re non-leather shoes :

    I was offline yesterday and missed Kat’s round-up of vegan shoes. I don’t wear leather either, and wasn’t familiar with some of these brands, which look great.

    I have some cute non-leather shoes and booties from mainstream brands, but it takes some looking. (But I can’t do heels higher than 2” so maybe my choices wouldn’t be everyone’s.) Zappos will let you search by material, so you can look for synthetic, fabric or microfiber. I’ve had good luck with Aerosoles, Rockport, Nine West (the Kimly line; unfortunately not the Total Motion line), Easy Street, LifeStride (you have to weed out both leather and frumpiness in the last two especially), sometimes Bandolino. I also have two pairs of La Canadienne microfiber boots that I love, including some knee-high wedges that are my go-to for really bad weather when I’m not in a position to change shoes before meetings and the like. Links will follow to avoid mod.

    The Rockport booties I’m linking to are super-comfortable and I get compliments all the time, and the pumps that are more like shooties are great. The Rockport patent pumps, though, for some reason pinch my toes, and I was too late to return them. I’ve worn the purple several times and always regret it when I do but the black are NIB. I bought them in an 8; if you’re a 7.5 and want them you can have the black ones for the cost of shipping. And the Easy Street sling-backs are so comfortable I bought them in four colors.

    • Sorry, double post after the first one was stuck in moderation for a long time. But a follow-up with six links went through in seconds?

  10. Shots Shots Shots! :

    Heard a techno song on the radio this morning whose refrain was “SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS” and naturally thought of this blog. Thank you to all the great ladies and their collective wisdom. Happy Friday!

  11. MMLF review :

    I just dropped some major cash at the MM LaFleur pop-up. Their stuff is great. I got some Etsukos, the Dani top, the Deneuve top and a jardigan. The jardigans are beautiful, though the cut in the shoulders was not perfect for me. The drape is perfect. The Etsuko feels like pajamas. It’s super, super comfy.

    Their sizing is very similar to Theory but even more skewed towards straight (non-curvy) figures. As a reference point, I am 5’6″, 125 pounds, 32B, an hourglass, and a 2 or 4 in Theory, 2 in most mall brands. The MMLF pants are way tighter than their dresses. So the size 4 MMLF dresses are slightly big on me, and I could wear a 2 in them and get away with it, but the size 4 MMLF pants were very tight, almost too tight.

    Their new color palette is gorgeous!

    • Thanks for review. I’m in SF and have been considering their pop up. A lot of their items have been on my list forever but I’ve never bit the bullet

    • I think their pants skew very straight but their dresses are great for curves. I’m 5’9”, 34DD, slightly pear-shaped and usually wear an MMLF 10. Almost all their dress and skirt styles fit me really well. The Etsuko is meh and the Nisa doesn’t work, everything else is great.

  12. Wow. I’m impressed with this straight forward admittance from Louis C.K. No justification or blame shifting. He just owns it, points out how he’s hurt many people, and says that he never wants to be that man again.


    • I was hoping somebody would bring this up. I’m kind of torn about this. On the one hand, this sounds like a pretty thoughtful apology that on its face seems to say the right things. On the other hand, there was no way somebody as smart and self-aware as Louie CK didn’t know what he was doing was wrong when he was doing it, and issuing a good apology after you’ve already been outed, after years of attempting to discredit these “ridiculous” claims … I’m furious and the praise he’s getting for managing to string together a thoughtful apology. There are obviously a lot worse ways to respond to something like this, but I don’t fully understand the praise.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m not impressed at all. He’s not sorry he did it, he always knew it was wrong, he’s sorry he got caught.

        • Anonymous :

          I agree with anon above and the other poster who said this—> “I don’t think he’s taking ownership because he feels like it’s the right thing to do, but because he basically has no choice but to admit the allegations and he (probably correctly, imo) believes a direct, straightforward apology is the best way to salvage his career. But maybe I’m just cynical.”

          I find it difficult to believe that he truly did not know what he was doing was wrong. And given the circumstances, the only option is to acknowledge it happened because denial is not an option.

          • Anonymous :

            If you admit it, the story moves forward and it gets you off the front page because there isn’t story after story about whether he did/didn’t or what will the next person say, etc. It’s a totally part of a PR play.

          • I agree with you, Anonymous 4:16. But I’m not sure what other possible response there is. Say you’re trying to do the absolute right thing in response to something like this. What would that be?

          • Anon 4:16 :

            Oh, I don’t know that there is a right response. Offer to not contest any charges/plead guilty in a court of law? Promise to never make or support another film that involves sexual harassment for laughs?
            Ultimately time is the only real test. And he’s going to have earn back the trust he’s broken, and he might never do that.

            I mean it’s not the like the rest of us get some sort of extra notice or badge for being not-horrible people. So I don’t know how you prove you are no longer horrible except by not being horrible anymore.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            I’ve gone through this with the guy who —–ed me. Like what DO I want? Well I would appreciate his falling into a volcano but I am not going to ask that of him. He was apologetic and offered to turn himself into the cops but like … yeah that’s dumb. He talked about it with his girlfriend, but how many f*cks do I give about that? Should he volunteer at a women’s shelter? Gag. What he did say (this came about because about 10 years after the incident (which I spent forever pretending never happened/didn’t bother me) he texted to ask how I was, and I responded like, ‘you remember that? it was actually not ok.’) was, “I do remember that, and I am sorry. If you need anything from me, I am here to give it to you. If you just want me to disappear, I can do that too.”

            That was pretty good, as far as those things go.

      • To me, the ownership is huge because a person can’t change until they see the enormity of what they did. He’s modeling a good way to admit to harassing and assaulting women. I’m hopeful other men will be brave enough to pick that up. The more men who deny, or blame alcohol/depression/a bad mental place, or disappear means that we can never move past this. It will just continue to be this seedy thing that happens and women have to deal with.

        We (the human race) can’t fix the problem of harassment and assault until more men admit that they are perpetrators. I want THIS generation of men to reform and become better. I don’t want to wait for them to die off and pin my hopes on the next generation of boys, you know? I’m a victim of rape…I’ve been in an abusive relationship…I’ve been disgusted by male coworkers and customers…and I want it to STOP. NOW. I want these men to say, “Ugh, I was a pig!” and then never be that pig again. I want real change!

        • Linda from HR :

          I hear you.

          I like that he owned what he did and apologized. The guy who assaulted me many years ago also admitted to me that what he did was wrong and apologized . . . but then he kept assaulting people, and from what I heard his attitude was like “looks guys I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it! I have a problem!” which, y’know, he never got help for. So hopefully Louis CK and all these other celebrities not only admit they did a bad thing, but actually get help so they never. Do it. Again.

      • I’m also torn. The apology is heartfelt, but at one point, he says he thought it was okay because he always “asked the women first.” It’s insane to me that he thought it would be okay just because he asked, as if asking wouldn’t also be harassment and disturbing for a colleague to hear from him. How did he not understand at the time that his actions were still aggressive and a violation? I think there is a real disconnect in some men’s minds about the reality of what is going on and the true impact of their actions.

    • Anonymous :

      I mean…he really had no choice in the matter. Denying it would have looked absolutely ridiculous given the number of women with practically identical stories and also the way he has so blatantly featured similar plotlines in many episodes of his comedy/TV shows. He’s basically bragged about doing this, via his ‘fictional’ alter egos, for years.
      I mean I guess you can give him points for not pulling a let’s-try-to-distract-everyone-with-something-else, a la Kevin Spacey? But a) Louis CK didn’t have a big ‘secret’ about his sexuality to announce like Spacey did and b) everyone saw how that backfired on Spacey.
      I don’t think he’s taking ownership because he feels like it’s the right thing to do, but because he basically has no choice but to admit the allegations and he (probably correctly, imo) believes a direct, straightforward apology is the best way to salvage his career. But maybe I’m just cynical.

      • Ugh the connection between the plot line of his film and his behavior is so disturbing. Wow. I mean. It seems like he enjoys this whole dynamic of having an audience in more ways than one.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      I could not disagree with this more – there was plenty of justification, and lots of subtle blame-shifting, plus no actual expression of apology (lots of “hurting people is bad, some people were hurt by some stuff I did, for that hurt I’m sorry”, very little “I am directly sorry for the harm I actively caused”).

      What really enraged me was the bit about how he “wishes [he] had reacted to their admiration of [him]” better – no, dude. “Oh, golly gee, they just admired me SO MUCH they felt pressured to say yes to my advances and I just didn’t realize it was a forced yes because I was clouded by their ADMIRATION.” Disgusting, and victim-blaming, and totally inappropriate. You didn’t abuse people’s “admiration,” Louis, you abused your POWER, which you get from being a cis-het white guy with a prominent career. Making it about “admiration” and his poor dumb male inability to properly understand that “this lady admires me” =/= “this lady wants me to expose myself to her” is just more minimization, justification, and excuse-making.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        Same. It came off to me as him just bragging about how awesome he was.

        • anonymous :

          I agree.

          I also found his remarks “on-brand” (or maybe “in-character”?) to his “I used to be an idiot but then I wised up and there’s a moral to that story” shtick, which for some reason really annoyed me as well.

        • Yes, for once I would like to meet a man that does not expect to let him [email protected]@@ me on the first date. In the last 2 years or so, with $ex being so freely given by millennial, what hope is there for 30 somethings looking for more than a one nighter with a man that has no interest in even knowing my name after intimacy? This has got to stop.

      • If he hadn’t expounded on the situations with these women (they admired me, I took advantage of that) then his statement would have come across as rote, impersonal, and rubber stamped. The details and the breakdown of the multiple ways he hurt them made the statement much more genuine. He called it “admiration” instead of “authority” or “power”, which echoes the NY Times piece from the women’s POV–“He was a comedian they admired.” He admits he took advantage of a power dynamic of Admired Star/Mentor over Up and Coming Comedians/Mentees. It sounds (to me) like admiration is terminology both sides agree on.

    • Anonymous :

      I work in PR. Louis CK’s statement is exactly what I would tell a client in his situation to write. Your reaction (that he deserves credit for taking accountability) is why. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible he feels genuine remorse, but the fact remains that, regardless of his feelings, his statement is exactly what a PR-savvy harasser who wanted to minimize the effect on his career would say.

      • Wildkitten :

        Which is why its so amazing that the other statements haven’t been like this. Compare this to Weinstein’s statement. PR nightmare!

    • Wildkitten :

      It’s both terrible (the constant mentions of admiration, the facade of consent, all the previous denials) AND it’s the best response we’ve gotten out of all the men who have been caught recently. So it’s both terrible and it’s the best we’ve gotten, which is also terrible.

      • Anon 4:16 :

        And most people are going to see the headline “He apologized” without reading deeper to see that he didn’t really. So his reputation might get less of a ding.

        • Anonymous :

          I don’t think what he did is on the same level though. That’s probably not a statement to get support around here but there is world of difference between what he did and what Weinstein did, e.g.

          5 women came forward. 1 said she consented and regretted it, 2 laughed and thought it was a joke and were too uncomfortable to say no. 1 thinks it happened on the phone and 1 said no and he immediately didn’t go any further. Is it still gross? Sure. Are there inequitable power dynamics at play? Absolutely. Was it wrong? Yeah, it wasn’t right. But I don’t think that it rises to the level of derailing his career, to me anyway. I thought his apology was genuine and I hope people accept it. I hope he goes on to have a career. Nothing I read says he tried to derail anyone’s career over this, he apologized, he hasn’t done anything in years/seems sincere in learning his lesson and trying to be better. I’m okay with it.

    • I read it and at first my soft side said, well he’s admitting it and is truly sorry.

      Then my hard side remembered that an entire team of attorneys and PR people worked on it and there was no word in that entire thing that wasn’t crafted carefully to save his career and public image.

      The hard side of me is usually right.

    • I can see how Louie got away with this for so long seeing how the women here STILL are sympathetic in some way. Why?

      Reminds me of when Hillary said her husband was “fabulous company”, “made her laugh harder than anyone else”, “had a temper but was never mean”. He frigging cheated on you for years, everyone knew it…and then he did it with an intern while your own daughter was a college student…He had no respect for you or your daughter. Seriously.

      So as long as a guy is cute, funny, doesn’t beat you…He’s ok? If we don’t raise our standards as women, we will continue to be regarded as second class citizens in many ways.

  13. Thanksgiving Gift? :

    Happy Friday!

    I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my boyfriend’s family. This is my first time spending a holiday apart from my own family and I’m a bit nervous. I want to bring a gift – but my boyfriend is cooking everything and loves to cook, so said not to bring food. I was thinking flowers, a bottle of wine, or maybe a pie? Any suggestions on what to bring? And general advice for spending a long time with your SO’s family? They’re great but I’m nervous!

    Thanks in advance!

    • Linda from HR :

      Been there, this is me last year! If he said don’t bring food, he means it, don’t bring any food and that includes baked goods. Assuming his family drinks alcohol, you really can’t go wrong with wine. Maybe do some research on wines that go especially good with Thanksgiving food.

    • Anonymous :

      I mean, can’t you just ask BF? Tell him you’d really like to bring something because that would make you feel like a good guest and ask if wine or flowers or something else (a board game to play later?) would be appropriate.

      • Thanksgiving Gift? :

        Haha I did ask him, and he was not entirely helpful. Everything I suggested he said “sure, sounds fine”, but I’m probably overthinking it!

        • Anonymous :

          Probably :) Decide on a bottle of wine (or 2, a red and a white) and call yourself done.

    • Anonymous :

      If he said don’t bring food, then don’t bring a pie! Why would you bring something someone explicitly told you not to bring? Wine or flowers are both perfectly fine choices. I think flowers is safer, but I happen to know a disproportionately large number of people that don’t drink, and wine can also be risky if the host/hostess are particular about their wine.

      • Thanksgiving Gift? :

        Oops – I meant food like, for dinner. He’s not baking a dessert or anything so I don’t think pie is off the table, but I would double check regardless!

        • If that’s the case, I think bringing a pie would be lovely. If you’re not a baker, you could always buy a pie, but I’d recommend trying a very simple homemade recipe.
          My family has made this apple cranberry crumble for years and it’s basically fail proof- we don’t even peel the apples!

        • Just make the pumpkin pie on the Libby’s canned pumpkin label. It’s classic for a reason – everyone loves it. If pie crust daunts you, just use a pilsbury refrigerated crust.

    • I like flowers because they can add to the meal as a centerpiece without interfering with the flavors of the meal. Just make sure not to leave it to the person cooking to find a place for them. Bring an arrangement in a vase or other container. There’s nothing more awkward than being handed a loose bouquet while in the middle of cooking and having to be gracious about interrupting everything to dig a vase out of the back of the cabinet.

    • Any chance ya’ll are staying the night? I always bring breakfast foods (muffins/scones/etc.) to my MIL’s for Thanksgiving and she is SO happy about it — it means she doesn’t need to think about breakfast for guests the next morning.

      • Tetra, I would NOT encourage any of us women spending the night at his family’s house, ESPECIALLY early in the reationship, particularly over any holiday like Thanksgiving, b/c the family will be eyeballing us as someone who is lookeing to take away their littel boy from them by using our s-xeual charms. I got this feeling from Mrs. Sheketovits early on (and I was NOT spending the night at the Sheketovits house either!). For some peculiear reason, Mothers do NOT like when another new and cute woman comes on to the scene with the goal of MARRYING their little boy! FOOEY!

        I am personally goieng home for Thanksgiving, with Grandma Trudy catering the whole dinner from Ben’s b/c Mom is goeing to be busy with her useing my room. Already Dad has asked his freind’s son to “stop by” our house to deliver us a pie, and stay for “dessert” with us, all with the goal of haveing ME start dating this guy (who runs another deli — ha ha!!!). If he sees the Bens boxes and bag’s he may get mad, but I found out his deli is just a grubby little place on Merick Road! DOUBEL FOOEY!

        Anyway, I wish Kat, Kate and the entire HIVE a great Thanksgiving, and hope that none of us wind up with a turkey for a boyfreind this year! YAY!!!!

    • Penzey’s has a Baking spice set for about $15. I’ve given that as a hostess gift for Thanksgiving before.

  14. Deep breaths :

    A few months ago, another woman and I were hired simultaneously to fill holes in in-house legal. We are both fairly young (late 30s) and somewhat senior, each with 10+ years of relevant experience. We get along well and working together has been smooth. Recently, another (third) woman was brought in to staff a distinct project. She is a third year lawyer, in her late 20s. She spent two years at a large firm. None of her past work is directly applicable to the work that we do. Somehow, she has come in as the golden child of the legal department and is being given her choice of assignments and a great deal of deference. In conversation with her, she doesn’t seem to have any relevant knowledge or experience and it’s a constant balancing act to not patronize her when she speaks “knowingly” about an area that I️ i regularly teach CLEs on. I believe strongly in women supporting other women and i have spent much of my career nurturing and mentoring junior colleagues. The tricky thing here is that she is somehow my senior colleague. I see my peer colleague and I gossiping about her and freezing her out of our lunches, and I feel like we are being mean girls. But every time we invite her in, she is super annoying and arrogant. I recently made the mistake of telling her about an interesting project that my direct colleague and I️ i have begun working on. Yesterday, the newer, younger colleague directly asked my boss for the assignment. he told us all to work together on it. This is going to be truly infuriating, but the last thing I want is any kind of professional turf war. I’m trying to stay consummately professional and to be my best, generous, sincere self but I’m also feeling so resentful and annoyed!!

    • Definitely repost this Monday morning — I’m interested to see people’s responses.Anon

    • Triangle Pose :

      I think you should address this with your boss. Be clear with examples and address the work, lack of experience and relevant knowledge and assignment seniority. Do not bring her younger age into it.

      • Deep breaths :

        Interesting, i feel like I absolutely can’t say something to him. More like i should just wait out until he gets this himself or I’ll appear irrecoverably petty.

    • Wildkitten :

      Shine theory. Shine theory. Shine theory. Keep repeating to yourself until this has all smoothed over.

      • Just googled the Shine Theory…interesting stuff.
        Thanks for sharing!

      • Deep breaths :

        Thanks! I’m a big believer in shine theory. In this case, she’s not really reflecting light. More like other commenters have said, this is likely rooted in insecurity but it’s difficult. Im not sure what my boss isn’t seeing…she is probably a fine person but treating her with this level of seniority is creating a monster.

    • Unfortunately, I have no helpful advise, just an alternate view.
      Perhaps as the younger, less experienced one in the group she feels insecure and wants to appear willing to take on new projects for her job security. Is there a way to talk to her about this over a casual lunch/coffee? Perhaps something along the lines of, we were really excited about this project and hoped it would be a collaborative effort when we mentioned it to you, is there a reason you felt the need to ask Bossperson to assign it to you alone?


    • Sounds torturous.

  15. Share Some Good News! :

    There’s so much awfulness going on in the world and it can be so easy to see it in our own lives, so let’s flip the script… share good things with us! (You can share anonymously, you can post multiple times, etc.) big or small, tell us!

    • I’ve got one! I bought items online to avoid driving 20 mins to the mall and everything I bought fit so I didn’t have to deal with any returns or trips to the mall! YES!

    • anonymous :

      I’ve lost 9 lbs. in the first month of trying to lose weight. I’m trying not to make this a huge deal so I’m not disappointed if the weight doesn’t continue to drop at this rate, but my clothes are fitting better!

    • anonymous too :

      I was able to help a friend when she called! I live near enough to provide her with a ride when she was stuck, so I got to not only be someone she thought to call, I also got to be someone who could help!

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      It’s Friday!

    • Anonymous :

      Just managed to make some programming code work after wrestling with it all afternoon!

    • I’m really excited about a recipe I’m making for Thanksgiving- Cranberry bars! I made a version of it last year in tarts, but this year I’m modifying it to be in a bar form. It’s a custard dessert similar to lemon curd, but with cranberries for tartness, flavor, and general festiveness.
      My family is really into bringing new and interesting recipes to Thanksgiving, so I’m hoping this will be a hit!

      • Anonymous :

        Jealous! My family is into NOT bringing new and interesting. Maybe I should do a Friendsgiving so I can try new things.

    • Anon for the leg comment :

      I have been to the gym three days in a row and finally shaved my rather hairy legs!


        • Anonymous :

          If I don’t shave my legs, getting my tights on is a real problem as the downward-pointing hairs do not facilitate the upward motion of pulling the tights up. Also I do not like the feeling when the leg hair pokes through the tights and moves around as you are walking. Is that just me? I do have some pretty wiry leg hair.

        • Teehee to Anon at 5:59. I thought my husband might like the silky smoothness instead of the porcupine feeling during our night time cuddles.

          Plus, I was starting to feel kind of embarrassed in the gym locker room. I wish I could stop that

    • I did my first injection for IVF today. And it wasn’t nearly as scary/painful as I was expecting. After TTC for over 2 years, it’s such a relief to feel like we’re making real progress towards our goal!

    • I passed my 3 hr gestational diabetes test after failing the 1 hour!

    • It’s Veterans Day so no work for me today!

      I won a small prize in a raffle

      I took a fall walk with my sister and dogs

      I’m getting my hair done (very past due)

      I got my Barefoot Dreams cardigan from Costco (thank you very much for the tip, whoever posted that) and it’s so soft and cozy

    • Anonymous :

      My offer was accepted – as of 11:00 this morning I’m under contract to buy a house. A tiny bit scared but mostly super excited.

    • Marshmallow :

      My close friend had a beautiful, healthy baby this morning!

    • I finished my tattoo this week (it covers most my back and took 5 sessions over about a year and a half) and it looks even prettier than I hoped :)

    • Dallasite :

      After years of working in a toxic environment, dealing with traumatic content every day, and a full year of going to interviews and being rejected, I finally landed a good job that I LOVE with a kind boss and terrific co-workers. I get paid less and it is SO worth it for my peace of mind. And, in a stroke of fate, I got an unexpected financial windfall. That’s my good news: it does get better, and it will all work out!

    • Anonymouspotomous :

      I am getting married! I beat depression! I got a degree! I adopted a new third fur child! I’ve officially embraced veganism! Those are all my happy things that I’ve been too insecure to post on fb, so I’m sure most of my acquaintances just think I went off the rails, but I’m quietly toiling away at making myself and the world a better place.

      • I second that :

        +1. I’m sure the possibilities of what people think of me are endless because I have been quiet for a few years on social media and just generally not announcing but secretly relishing in the fact that I have been chipping away at my goals :) cheers to you and me both!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      My boss gave me THREE great compliments this week:
      – about how I have taken ownership of [thing]
      – about how I navigate colleague relationships
      – that I can really pull off a leather jacket (this was in the context of a discussion about coats, not some weird random thing)

      AND tonight I get to go home to my baaaaby who I haven’t seen for a week!

    • I didn’t alloq the anxiety spiral to consume me at the horse show today and I had two really good trips and good ribbons. My first course was the usually anxiety mistakes, but I marched in and rode the way I know how for the next two!

  16. seeking a body double :

    I’m trying to get better at choosing clothes out of the box for me as my style is pretty much the same since high school and I’m now in my mid 30s. I realize that I can’t picture clothing on my body when I see it on a hanger, so I’m looking for either someone with a similar shape who photographs or a blog that fits…

    I’m hourglass shaped, just over 5′, and about 180lbs. It basically means I’m curvy but need to consider my height, and I’m a cusp size (typically about a 12-14 in pants, large in tops and dresses).

    Not sure if this is even a thing, but thought I’d ask since blogs I’ve found are either tall and curvy or short and thin, etc. so they’re not super helpful to me!

    • Anonymous :

      I saw this discussed on Reddit just the other day — OP in that thread was also a size 12, although much taller than you, but some shorter women had suggestions too.


    • Have you checked out this blog? https://girlwithcurves.com. Tanesha is lovely!

    • In mod with a link to a discussion on another s i t e. But in the meantime, although I don’t know their exact measurements, have you seen Wardrobe Oxygen and Mimi G?

  17. Anonymous :

    I received a save-the-date for a friend’s wedding several months ago. The wedding is in December in India. The bride, groom and I live in the US (but the bride grew up in India, which is why the wedding is there). The save the date was a traditional US save-the-date, just a photo with the date and city and a cute photo of the couple, no reply card to return or stated deadline for reply. It does have the couple’s website on it and they have an online reply option there. We won’t be able to attend, and I was planning to email the groom (my friend) to tell him that once we received the invite, but we never got an invitation and since the wedding is now just over a month away, I assume one isn’t coming at this point. I’m guessing I should reach out to the groom to let him know we can’t make it, but I feel a bit awkward about telling him I can’t come to a wedding I was never formally invited too. Should I just go ahead and do it and act like the save the date was an invitation?

    • Indian weddings are crazy and from my experience RSVPs aren’t something watched as closely as they are for weddings here (Is saying white weddings wrong?)
      I say shoot him a text/email asking how wedding prep is and let him know that you look forward to celebrating with the couple once they return. A pseudo-rsvp of sorts

  18. anon for this one :

    For the past several years, I’ve been in a relationship that meant I got to attend an epic level fancy New Year’s Eve party with great couple friends, etc. and a New Year’s Day component. Now that I’m single and live elsewhere, I’m wondering whether I’ll feel horrible and left out when those dates come and I have no partner and no fancy party. What do people typically do on these days? I don’t really have friends where I’ve moved yet and flights seem expensive so I can’t fly in a friend. I just don’t want to feel awful about the impending holiday or the time itself.

    • Anonymous :

      Movie marathon for as along as you can/want to stay up (drink champange!) in your cozy pjs. and then in bed without having to deal with the cold or the crowds.

      I mean, I’ve usually celebrated this with my parents (it’s my dad’s birthday), or going out (or staying in) with a group of girl friends (2 friend groups that were introduced on NYE, so it’s kind of our anniversary), but if I didn’t have those things, then I’d be doing the thing above, so I get to take advantage of not being tired/hungover on the 1st.

    • I’d love to do a fancy but cozy New Year’s Eve dinner party! New in my area too.
      Perhaps try Meetup?

    • If you live in a city, I LOVE going to the ballet on NYE. Fancy early dinner before (drink), go to theater (champagne), intermission (champagne), then home. It’s so fun! Find a bestie and make it a plan!

      This also works with the theater if you are not a ballet person.

      • I wish I lived in a city big enough to have an NYE ballet bc that is now what I want to do this year!!

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Last year, two of my friends came to my house and we ate all the appetizers and drank all the bubbly until 3 am – it was pj’s, pearls and prosecco and we are doing it again this year!

  19. Religion and health care :

    A coworker/supervisor of mine is putting religious (Christian) pamphlets out in our health-type clinic (think the magazine desk in the dentist office). I don’t believe religion has a place in healthcare, as it should be an all-inclusive place. There’s always been a Bible and other devotional type material, which I’ve put up with. Now there’s a pamphlet on “what happened to the dinosaurs?”- aka dinosaurs were created at the same time as people only a few thousand years ago, they were on the ark, etc. There’s also a little part mentioning “why is this important? Shouldn’t we be focusing on more important Christian issues like homosexual behavior, promiscuity, abortion…?”. I pride myself on being a nonjudgmental and science/evidence-based health care practitioner and I don’t want to be associated with this completely ridiculous propaganda that I don’t believe even represents most Christians.
    For what it’s worth, I was raised Christian but no longer affiliate with any religion. I am OK with religion as long as it does not harm others. But this is just plain crazy.
    This supervisor has decades of seniority on me and if I confront him he’s going to preach to me. The person above him is also evangelical. Maybe try HR? Or just throw out the pamphlets and he assumes someone took them home?

    • Anonymous :

      I volunteer 2-3 times per week at a large hospital. FWIW, the hospital is not affiliated with any religion.

      Religion has NO place in a hospital, NONE.*

      One of my duties as a volunteer is to remove religious texts from public areas if they have been left there. We straighten up the waiting rooms normally and, if we find any inappropriate materials (including JV/lighthouse, Gideon, tracts, and anti-vaccination texts), we simply throw them away. I have also spent hours checking every bathroom on every floor when we discover that people have posted religious or anti-vaccination materials in the stalls.

      *Aside from chaplains and religious texts provided at the request of the patient, of course. Legit organizations, like the Gideons, know to give them to the volunteers for distribution at the request of the patient.

      I would quietly throw out the materials the next time you go to straighten out the waiting room. Because it’s a pattern, I would keep samples of the materials and tell HR that you suspect an employee has been posting these. I wouldn’t name the supervisor because I wouldn’t want to be the supervisor’s newest target.

    • Can you report this to a board, association, or licensing group?

    • Agree with HR. This is very inappropriate in a healthcare environment.

    • I belong to a bible study and one of the attendees is an older, male nurse (maybe in his early 70’s?) who works in oncology. He frequently discusses how he “witnesses” to his terminally ill patients and will put in prayer requests to the group that these patients open up to God, etc. I am a physician and find this behavior troubling. It also makes me uncomfortable. If what you are describing was happening in my office, I would be livid. How could I expect to have a reasonable, open conversation about s3x or whatever with a teenager when there’s “Jesus loves you despite you being a sinner” pamphlets in the waiting room?

      It’s solicitation, and it has no place in a medical office. Your office may already have a written policy regarding solicitation in a binder somewhere. If so, find it. Keep a couple examples stashed in a folder somewhere, and recycle the others. Actually.. no. Put the others in the locked shredder bin.

  20. Anonymous :

    Hoping for some interview advice. I was asked to have lunch with the legal team of a company I’ve been going through the hiring process with for an attorney job. The process has taken a couple of months and this is the last step before a hiring decision is made, after having gone through phone and in-person interviews. The restaurant is sort of an upscale pub; not dingy but not super fancy.

    My question is what do I wear? I’ve never had a lunch interview before.

    • When I have had lunch interviews in the past (also for attorney jobs), I have just worn what I would usually wear to an interview (ie, a suit).

    • Is it safe to assume that the team will go to the bar straight from work? In that case, they will probably wear whatever they wear to work and a simple suit would be a good choice.

  21. Cardigan Help? :

    This seems like a really dumb, basic question, but WHAT do you wear under cardigans if you’re wearing them with pants…? I like cardigans, and I feel like they look fine with dresses, but I’d also like to wear them with pants but I don’t know what to wear under them that’s office-appropriate. Silky shells? Knit tanks? Sleeved tops? AND if that’s what one wears, where would you recommend finding them?

    • I like the Target merona printed shell, they periodically come out with different designs. Mine have held up with weekly use for years.

    • I wear any kind of non-transparent, appropriately dressy sleeveless top. I generally stay away from knit tanks or anything that looks too t-shirt-like. I’ve gotten lots of them at Ann Taylor and the Ann Taylor Factory store, or Talbots. I like the double-layered ones because it reduces the risk of visible bra line.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      The Calvin Klein shells, or sleeveless v-neck fancy tanks (Gap sometimes has some) or even just a fitted tee.

    • I once read a rule of thumb that said tops worn with pants should have a hemline that hits around the hipbones. Tops worn with skirts can be shorter.

      I more or less follow this rule and it seems to work.

      I like Lucky brand print tops to wear with pants or jeans and cardigans.

  22. Anyone have the Everlane day heel? Comfortable?

    • I don’t think so actually! Have really been trying to get used to mine but I never reach for them!

  23. Does anyone know if Ann Taylor usually releases the legacy (heritage?) silk button-down blouses every winter? I got a few of them a couple years ago and would like to pick up a few more but don’t see that they’re available right now. Maybe later in the season?

  24. Reporting back on my internal job interview.
    I met the GM for breakfast and we had a good discussion. It seems that we are on the same page on important aspects of the company strategy, role expectations and leadership. But what scares me is that he is surrounded by a top management team, from which I would kick out at least 50%. He admitted that there will be changes. But they will not happen overnight.
    He then had a talk with my current GM, who was sweet enough to give great feedback, which probably mattered the most. I met my mentor later that day and she told me that the new GM was amazed.
    So, most probably, I will have a job offer on my desk next week.
    This experience made me realize how much influence our mentors and sponsors have on our careers and that I am lucky to have the right ones.

  25. Shoe Shopper :

    What are your everyday shoes? My go to for the spring and summer was nice Ballet flats with chunky gold hardware. So they could be dressed up or down. Now it’s cold and I need something in between that and boots that aren’t sneakers and our comfy/classy. Does such a shoe exists?

    • Shoe Shopper :


    • Anonymous :

      Well, it really depends on your style. Your style is very different from mine. Ballet flats, or any hardware, doesn’t work for me.

      I am a classic minimalist, with a touch of edge.

      So my go to shoes are these…


      I wear them with my black/navy/grey ankle pants and with black tights to work throughout fall/winter/snowy weather. I wear them with my skinny black jeans on the weekends, with long cashmere cardigans or chunky knits.

      It’s winter.

    • How about loafers with fun hardware or a tassel? Mine are Cole Haan and Tory Burch. Hobbs (at Bloomingdales) had some as well, they run narrower if that’s your fit.

  26. Are any of y’all out at work when your sexuality is not immediately obvious (like you are not in a non-hetero relationship and bring your partner to things, I guess)? I am not straight, but I’m in a hetero, monogamous marriage. I don’t sleep with women any more (nor do I sleep with men who aren’t my husband) but it starts to feel weird and almost deceptive that I go along with the assumption that I’m only attracted to men/not attracted to women/have only dated men/etc. (Of course OF COURSE I recognize that I’m very lucky that if it was unsafe for me to disclose my orientation, I could totally pass. This problem is much smaller than the very real problems LGBTQ folks face all the damn time.)

    I suspect a lot of people here will say, “it doesn’t matter, no one cares about it, especially if you’re partnered with a man.” But… we are a group that’s kind of a Bring Your Real Self to Work type place. Work people start to be real friends, and it’s weird and it has started to feel like A Thing.

    • FWIW I’m straight, but do you feel like you can talk about it in the context of past relationships with your work friends? “My ex-girlfriend”….etc. I think it would be odd to just mention it out of thin air, but I agree when you become friends with people you should show them your real life.

      • Yeah I’m just afraid (???) it’ll sound like a Big Reveal? Like I’ve done that with non-work friends… maybe I’m overthinking it.

        • I’m lesbian. I get what you are saying, and appreciate the thoughtfulness of the question. My advice is to be careful about pushing to disclose this information in a way that is forced. Just last week, in my first conversation with someone with whom I will serve on a committee for the next 12 months, I said “my wife” in the course of some getting-to-know you conversation. The woman I was talking with then told me about her open marriage in the 70s, and that she briefly slept with a mutual aquaintence (a woman). Yikes! TMI! This isn’t the first time that people have rushed in an awkward way to tell me they know someone gay, or in some other way support LGBT and related issues.

          The nature of your question tells me that you’re not that person, but here’s more validation to let disclosures unfold without pushing it. Be your non-judgmental self.

          • thanks for your thoughtful response, Anon… I definitely don’t want to be *that* guy/gal. I guess part of the answer might be just to relax until it actually is organic. Like i don’t want to be confrontational (“no!!! when i said that she was gorgeous I meant she is hot TO ME not to theoretical straight men around me!!!!”) but I suspect, as I get to know people better, “oh yeah, actually my ex Hannah was a Pilates instructor too…” might just flow organically…?

    • I probably wouldn’t do it, unless there’s a conversation where *everyone* is talking about who they’re attracted to. (ie, celebs). But generally speaking, talking about people you’re attracted to at work is not appropriate.

    • Anonymous :

      I think it’s really weird. You share who you love yes absolutely. Not every potential kind of s3x you’d have.

      • I hear that. Which is why I am asking, and why I definitely will not be all, “hey everyone!!! *announcement time!*”

        But… Hmm for me there’s a level of friendship/familiarity where you stop saying “I used to know someone who…” when what you mean is “my ex…” because you don’t have to pretend anymore that you have no romantic life or personal history. Not because it’s important that people know I think the person I used to go out with was attractive (because yes, no one cares about my s3x drive), but just because “I used to know” starts to feel deceptive? I would not say to my friends, “ugh I hate that band now because they were the favorite of Someone I Used to Know.” I’d say “my ex.”

        I think the point the first two responses made, where I can say “oh yeah my ex [woman’s name] was blah blah too!” if/when it makes sense, just like I do with non-work friends… yeah

  27. Curious if anybody has seen a similar crossbody travel purse like this travelon? I like the size 10 x 10, but after a few weeks traveling the nylon is gross and yucky. I’d like something similar in leather like a purse.


    • Wildkitten :

      This is so not the same price point but there’s no way tumi would get yucky: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/tumi-voyageur-capri-crossbody-bag?ID=1973579&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&CAWELAID=120156340001774114&CAAGID=43986737689&CATCI=aud-325772344535:pla-381271926171&CATARGETID=120156340018354306&cadevice=c&cm_mmc=Google_Home_Luggage_PLA-_-Luggage_%E2%80%93_Tumi_%E2%80%93_GS_Tumi-_-190452371236-_-pg2011633_c_kclickid_963d83f7-5481-49a1-bfd7-ee98ffb0c134&trackingid=443×2011633&gclid=Cj0KCQiA_5_QBRC9ARIsADVww17boPJE1_K4F0nQvnwZojy_J84AxLmYcg6FfvYg2GoHkKw1maG3z3gaAl0yEALw_wcB

    • Wildkitten :

      Tumi Voyager Capri

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