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Weekend Open Thread

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  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
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  • J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

378 Comments

  1. This post is in response to the article in the Outline that was posted in today’s weekly news round-up about how it’s easier for a rich person to be frugal. I recently started following the blog that was covered in this article and I have to say the article misses the mark (and reeks of sour grapes). OF COURSE privilege plays a role in success, as the Frugalwoods blog author has written about extensively, but that doesn’t change the fact that your lifestyle plays an enormous role in your ability to save (the author managed to save $2K of a $10K salary when she first started working – obviously not possible for ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, but she proved it is indeed possible). I don’t agree with articles that claim that the only reason for millennials’ problems is their affinity for avocado toast, but articles like this that swing in the other direction and suggest that personal budgetary habits are of no importance aren’t any better. Yes, the Frugalwoods have been lucky in many ways, but they’ve discussed that in a lot of posts and have also worked damn hard and posted extensively about their strategies and values. Why is there always backlash and skepticism about that type of thing?

    I think the take-away on frugality for me (someone who graduated in the recession with all its attendant problems) is that it’s often a lot easier to be frugal than you think, and that we ALL, with the exception of the truly destitute, spend money on things that don’t bring us significant utility or happiness and that we might be better able to achieve our goals, whatever they may be, if we prioritized our spending. Obviously things can vary depending on individual circumstance, but is the general idea really that controversial?

    1. These articles always rub me the wrong way because they are so incredibly classist. Of course people who have a daily coffee shop habit can save money by dropping the latte, or — like in the article — they just painted their cabinets themselves instead of hiring it out! How frugal!

      But there’s a huge swath of our country that cannot fathom these choices, because they are barely making enough money to make ends meet, or they do not have enough savings in case of an emergency, so they are now paying for that emergency on a credit card with 20% interest (or a payday loan with more). There’s frugal and then there’s broke (or near-broke). Yes, for those of us with middle-class-plus incomes, there are probably things we could cut, sure. But there’s a big gap between middle class and truly destitute that this doesn’t apply to, and there’s a whole canon of academic work and reportage that talks about it.

      1. Yes this. I come from a working class background, and it isn’t just the “truly destitute” that have ongoing cash flow issues despite being frugal. I watched my mom do things like decide to pay to get her car fixed so she could get to work, which meant that we couldn’t buy things like real food (i.e., meat, fresh produce) and new shoes even though hers had holes in them. These are not choices people like the Frugalwoods have to make.

      2. Agreed. Housing, healthcare, transportation, food, education – all the necessities of life can cost so much for a family, even if you are foregoing lattes and making your own lunches. These big budget items take up huge space if your income isn’t high, especially if you are supporting others in your family. That’s the real issue for many people who aren’t already making lots of discretionary purchases – the big ticket items, not the little ones.

        1. But that’s exactly the kind of thing the blog talks about – saving money on the big things as well as the small things (it’s not all cutting out lattes) and getting comfortable with managing your money and expenses. Of course some people are truly already living at the margins and doing the best they can, but haven’t we all been in the position one time or another where you know you could do more to reduce expenses, but you’re not sure where to start? I know plenty of people with low salaries and no savings who still spend $100 a pop on haircuts, just like I struggle with spending too much on takeout even though I’m not saving anywhere near as much as I should be.

          1. My future SIL is a lovely person who is working in a chronically under-compensated field. She puts it on blast that she’s broke, is constantly stressed about making rent, sends me screen shots of her bank statement that say $0.02, and worries about not being able to buy groceries on a regular basis. She is in the percentage of Americans who could not come up with $500 for an emergency–I know this because her parents just had to bail her out for $500+. And she has some very legitimate complaints, because she DOESN’T make enough money for the job she does: elementary special ed at a Title I school.

            And yet. She is also always sending me pics of her shopping cart at TJ Maxx captioned #SelfCare. She has four pets, who require food, vet care, litter, and cutesy outfits. She only recently moved in with a roommate, after living by herself for years. She buys new clothes constantly. She chooses to stay in a state with notoriously low teacher salaries, because she wants to love near the beach.

            She was not raised in the margins of society: she had a comfortable middle-class lifestyle with no unusual financial hurdles. Even with the constraints of loans and a low-paying job, she should not be scraping rent together every month. With the choices she makes, she would be broke on double the salary. So IDK, I would classify her as somewhere between anon a mouse’s “middle class and truly destitute,” and I think the FrugalWoods’ values speak exactly to her situation.

          2. + 1 Emeralds. So many millions of people like this. Shopping as “self-care” when what you are trying to forget is the fact that you are underpaid is particularly pernicious.

          3. Emeralds, your example of one person you know who is poor and makes bad choices says…. what, exactly? Glad you have someone to look down on.

          4. I’m using her as an example of someone who could make fundamental changes to her financial situation by making different choices. I know that many, many people who are poor are poor because of structural factors outside of their control, and for them it’s indeed insulting to tell them to solve their povert by cutting out all the lattes or refinishing their own cabinets—I would never argue otherwise. I’m providing an example of someone who tells me that they are unhappy with their financial situation, who is not willing to do the work to change it. I would make different choices than she does (and did, when I was making $20k/year) but I definitely don’t look down on her. Her life and her choices are her own, and she isn’t hurting anyone.

            I’m just saying that not every American who doesn’t have money, doesn’t have money because of structural inequality and intergenerational poverty. To immediately counter someone encouraging a mostly middle class audience to be frugal with, “yeah but what about the people who are poor because of factors beyond their control” sidesteps the reality that many folks DO have agency over their financial situations.

          5. Anonanon – there is a reason Dave Ramsey has been on the air for 25 years. There are literally millions of Emeralds’ SIL out there. They call in every day. (And those are only the ones who call.)

    2. I thought the article would be about how those living paycheck to paycheck often end up paying more for certain things, because they can’t afford to pay $121 upfront for a monthly subway pass or items in bulk, for example. I don’t really care about the Frugalwoods – good for them, but why the attack on their values or lifestyle even when that lifestyle comes from a place of privilege?

      1. I also thought the article would be about this, and how unexpected things (like a broken down car or a medical expense) can wreck people’s budgets.

        I don’t really care about them either, but the idea that just by skipping a latte and cutting your spouses hair, while working at non-profits, means you can buy a house in Cambridge or 60-something acres in Vermont is outlandish.

    3. I roll my eyes at the Frugalwoods because for years they have touted their “non-profit” salaries while pursuing FI. Nate earns $200K+ per year by himself. Sigh. That said, yes, EVERYONE, whether you make $20K per year or $2 million, can and should be more conscious and aware of how you spend your money. We all start somewhere, with different levels of debt and privilege. Articles like the one in Outline are toxic to the idea that we should really focus on financial literacy for everyone. It’s the only way to get people to do anything useful in whatever financial position they are in.

      I credit all of the FI blogs (if you’re looking for a much better one, check out Our Next Life) for lighting a fire in me to get my law school debt paid off ASAP (and thanks Kat for featuring my Medium article a few weeks ago.) I’m nowhere near FI, but I know where every penny goes every month, which is more than most people (rich, poor, or in between) can say. It matters.

      1. You said what I wanted to get across way better than I could – I wanted to state that I think financial literacy/knowledge of where your money is going can be done by everyone, regardless of your financial state, and that it would be beneficial to your long-term goals.

        I like Frugalwoods overall, but I agree that emphasizing “nonprofit” salaries is a little disingenuous. Sure, they started off low, but it’s not really applicable anymore.

    4. I completely agree with you. I found the Frugalwoods blog several years into my finance career and found it to be immensely valuable. I think she is very careful to acknowledge how privilege plays a role in the choices she and her husband have been able to make, but I also thought there was incredible value in reading about the choices they did make. I guess I struggle to understand the opinion that if something doesn’t apply to everyone, then it shouldn’t be written. I mean, of course destitute and truly struggling families are in an extremely rough place, and advice like this won’t be remotely helpful to them. But so what? There are many people out there who may find this advice extremely helpful, and they are the target audience. There are blogs for all sorts of people on the internet.

      A lot of the Frugalwoods articles were eye-opening to me. I understand that this is because I also had a very privileged upbringing, but their philosophy caused me to deeply examine my own life and choices. I used many of their tips to up my savings considerably for several years. I then was able to quit my job in finance to become a high school teacher. So for me, their blog was genuinely life changing, and I am grateful it exists.

    5. Something I haven’t seen brought up about the Frugalwoods is that part of their approach depends on investing in index funds, correct? Pretty much all of the companies in the S&P 500 make profits, and thus increase their stock value, via… consumerism. So aren’t they still profiting off consumerism, just maybe more indirectly? I’m all for not living beyond your means, but I think we as a society still need to buy stuff to make it function. Am I missing something?

      1. I think there is a distinction between consuming goods, which is just a part of living, and consumerism as a value system, where leisure activities revolve around consumption, and social interactions, and charitable involvement, and the answer to every question involves buying something (better skin? Better hair? Better sleep? Walking more? Better home-cooked meals? Buy this!) For some people buying an item may be about consumerism (I want that shiny new bike that I’ll ride once a month!) while someone else may buy that same thing to reduce their consumption (I’ll bike instead of driving to work!).

        1. Great distinction. I make enough money that I don’t choose the cheapest version of everything I buy, but I try to make sure my purchases are useful and needed. Even my occasional luxury or treat has a specific reason.

    7. I agree – there are loads of people who are struggling to make ends meet and it’s extremely difficult in those circumstances and much of the time impossible to make good ‘choices’ which frequently aren’t even options. My kid has asthma and we’re always running him to the ER and have crazy medical bills, we just received a $1K bill the other day and I was talking to my husband about how lucky we are that we don’t have to question whether this time he’s really sick enough at 2 AM to take him in, we can just do it. I can’t imagine having to factor financial circumstances into that situation, but so many people have to and that’s awful.

      But there are also many, many people who make poor financial choices, at all income levels. BOTH EXIST. Our family is financially comfortable but also quite frugal – we live on a budget and I just try to generally live in a non-consumerist way for environmental and lifestyle reasons, and as a model to our son. We easily make twice what many of our friends make, but maybe order takeout once every couple of months as opposed to several times a week like many of them do. Our son’s toys, clothes, etc. are pretty much all hand-me-downs or used (except things we received as gifts), but friends have gotten pregnant and wanted every. new. baby. thing. ever. And yes, I don’t remember the lost time I bought a coffee outside of the house – the thought of all those cups piling up in landfills stops me, and I prefer our coffee from home anyway.

      I don’t understand this debate above. Of course privilege matters, but so do financial choices in many circumstances.

    8. I am late to the conversation, but the harsh reality is that many Americans cannot afford a $500 emergency. I am interested in frugal bloggers who are 100% transparent about the unearned and earned things in their lives, as well as how they handled setbacks. Some people have difficulty recovering because while working on recovering from setback #1, #2 and #3 show up. It would be great to hear more stories of success about that, as well as from those who are not male computer programmers who live in their van, and therefore don’t have to worry about professional dress or the risk of sexual assault.

  2. So Amal Clooney has been a high profile human rights lawyer seemingly since she turned 30-ish. How does that happen? Is her career simply a function of her good luck to not be American? Because I know plenty of beautiful and dedicated women with sterling resumes and multiple language fluencies. A couple have clerked on the Supreme Court, etc. They spent their 20s, 30s, and beyond toiling away in the bowels of major law firms or government organizations. Celebrity is not coming their way.

    Is being a lawyer outside the U.S. that much more glamorous? On a related note, do non-U.S. female lawyers have that much more free time to spend on personal grooming, shopping, exotic travel, etc.?

    1. IDK. I can’t explain it. I lump her in with the sort of people I see who call themselves “human rights activitists” but are really trust-funders with a J.D. (often) who still read up on various current issues. IDK, but they can’t just say “I am rich and no longer work but still need to hang onto this to project an identity.”

      I mean, she does tend to show up and sort of work (PT Columbia teaching gig that you move to; legal work), but I work as a lawyer (and didn’t just have twins) and hustling for work and doing the work (and then billing and actually getting paid) are all-consuming. My guess . . . perhaps that’s not really an econmically viable practice. For all I know, this sort of work is like doing Supreme Court litigation — it seems important, but there are more law firms and lawyers chasing it than there are paying clients, that it’s a loss-leader boutique practice and not something that you can support yourself at doing in the real world.

    2. She wasn’t even close to as famous before Clooney. She is a very smart woman – won awards at nyu and clerked at The Hague. Worked at Sullivan and Cromwell and joined London law firm. She was appointed to the United Nations commissions, probably because of her Hague experience and multiple foreign languages. She is the equivalent of the woman you went to law school that is in the top 1- 5 percent in achievements but you would not know her without the Clooney marriage (which takes nothing away from her, just who we view as celebrities)

      1. IDK — I never would have left S&C. Law school isn’t going to repay itself and NYC/London/Brussels are all expensive cities. So I couldn’t have afforded to clerk at The Hague. And even if I could have afforded to work at the UN (i.e., NYC not on a BigLaw salary but with law school loans), I have a feeling that they don’t ever offer jobs to flyover state Americans (they seem to like sparkly 1%ers with a certain pedigree).

        IMO, if you don’t have law school loans for a school like NYU, you are from a class that allows for you to have this sort of resume. [Like if you are from my non-coastal state and are really fluent in even two languages, you are either a recent immigrant, the child of recent immigrants, or the child of a foreign-language teacher.]

        1. Many people I know paid off law school loans within 3 years of biglaw. Sure the more family money you have the easier it is- but it has nothing to do with being American. She won a lot of awards during school, worked at prestigious firms, and helped defend some high profile clients. Certainly some is luck and some is location- you have to be in DC, London, etc for some of those opportunities. Although she is certainly accomplished she doesn’t strike me as that out of the ordinary – it just gets all elevated when you marry a movie star

          1. Yeah. It certainly sounds like she had a slightly privileged background/childhood, but setting aside the celebrity/movie star aspect, none of her work accomplishments really sound outlandish for someone who is intelligent, a hard worker, fortunate enough to not be in debt, combined with a bit of luck of being in the right place at the right time.

          2. agree with all of this. I went to HYS for law school and I have many female classmates who are far, far more accomplished than she is but certainly would not be heralded the way she has been for her career. I think it’s right place plus right time, privileged background, hard work and doing high profile stuff (like working at Hague, representing notorious clients, etc.).

      2. Agree. She seems very smart and hard-working but she is only famous because of who she married.

      3. Well, since she MARRIED George Clooney, she does NOT even have to care about loans, if she ever did in the first place. He makes $20-30M per movie, so that would pay off alot of student loans. Just haveing a guy like him around makes her more famous, but she did get there on her own, so KUDO’s to her! YAY!!
        She is cute but not such a real beauty, but Clooney must have married her for her MIND also. That is what I am looking for. A guy who does NOT just look at me like a piece of meat. FOOEY!

    3. If one of your acquaintances married a movie star, they’d probably also be described like Amal Clooney. It sucks, but thems the breaks.

      1. Wait, why does it suck? Her acquaintances are still beautiful and accomplished and doing amazing work. Just because someone else might by appearances have a more glamorous life does not make their lives any worse. And I’m sure being married to George Clooney (or any celebrity) has a lot of downsides in addition to the perks.

  3. What have you had done? Were you pleased with the results? Why or why not?

    1. I had my nose done seven years ago when I turned 30. It was my birthday gift to myself. I wish the tip of my nose now was a bit smaller still. Otherwise, I am thrilled I did it and wish I’d done it earlier.

    2. I’ve talked about this before, but… post-weight-loss surgery (vertical sleeve — best thing ever!) I had lower facelift for the double chin that turned into a turkey neck (also lower eyelids), and a tummy tuck a year later. Super happy with both even though the recovery was gruesome (especially for the tummy tuck).

      My best advice if you are considering having anything done is to double the recovery time the surgeon tells you. He told me two weeks for the tummy tuck and I took four weeks off work and was super glad I did.

      1. I’m considering the partial facelift (below the ears), which sounds like what you had done. How was the recovery (pain and time) for that work?

        1. Not too bad. Doc said I’d be fine in a week and I was, barely, but I’d have taken two weeks off if I had it to do over again. Worst part was looking in the mirror the next day but wasn’t all that painful at all. I don’t think I even used the pain pills.

    3. Breast reduction (36HH to roughly 38DD) – could not be happier. Getting dressed is so simple, I am not uncomfortable all the time, and I can exercise (and really do everything) with far more ease than I could previously. I find that I’m not constantly holding my arms in a weird position to accommodate my boobs, or holding my shoulders up around my ears to prevent them from drooping/bra rubbing my ribs and gut. It was a gross recovery, my scars are fresh and still red, one ni pple has no feeling at all and the other reacts to a stiff breeze, but I am so much more comfortable and look the way I feel I should have looked all along.

      1. I had a breast reduction a little more than 10 years ago (not sure how large I was, b/c I didn’t really have any bras that fit, but after having roughly a pound removed from each side, I was a 34DDD). It was wonderful. Recovery was painful, in part because I was super freaked out about moving wrong and hurting myself, and I tried to go back to work after a week which was a bad idea. But the results have definitely been worth it.

        I wanted to go much smaller (was hoping for a C or a B cup), and am currently considering a ‘revision’ surgery to get me the rest of the way there.

      2. I went the other way – augmentation (34AAAAAAAAAA as flat as they go after nursing) to 34DD. I’m so glad you’re happy with your results! I can definitely understand (after going up in size) how having very large breasts can just…wear you out. Can’t sleep on your stomach, can’t find a shirt to fit to save your life, bras are hella expensive, and then there’s the looks and comments – I’m not complaining, I love my bolt-ons, but I definitely understand the other side.

        So far, other than that, my other attempt to stave off gravity and aging is some Botox in the 11 lines between my eyebrows. I caught myself looking at face lifts the other day, and had to remind myself that I’ve already had 12 surgeries in my life (only two of them elective) and I really don’t want to have any more for a good long time.

    4. Lipo on love handles and waist. Best.Thing.Ever. I’m late 50’s and still have a nice waist.

  4. Share your secrets here… and/or share support and guidance for those brave enough to share their secrets!

    1. Sometimes I wish my friends didn’t have kids. I love the children but I sure miss being able to hang out with my friends whenever wherever without kids underfoot or having to work around babysitters.

      1. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have kids so that I could have more time to spend with you!

    2. My secret (with happy ending) is that I have been secretly battling a roach problem in my apartment for the past month – it has caused me lots of stress and shame – but after a few weeks where dealing with this felt like my only hobby, I think they have finally been eradicated/poisoned/sealed out!! The only other person who I have told about this whole thing has been the exterminator – I feel like I should invite him out for drinks or something to celebrate.

      1. This is horrific and probably my worst nightmare so I doubly triply celebrate with you!

        2. I mean, he has already seen me cry, so I’d say we have a pretty solid footing for our friendship.

      3. omg, I *adore* my exterminator. He was recommended by a friend who had ticks hatch in her bed (ew, I know) after her dog brought them in. He also once removed a rat from one of our conference rooms. He is totally my hero. I just had him come and treat my house for fleas a few weeks ago because apparently the fleas became resistant to Revolution after our colder than usual winter.

        1. Wait, the fleas are resistant now?!! I’ve been battling the fleas off and on for years!

          NOLA, do you mind sharing the name of your exterminator? The main person at our exterminator’s company retired, and according to my husband (and the internet), the service has been going downhill since.

          1. Yes! Everyone has had to switch from Revolution to Cheristin. Apparently, Revolution just stopped working this year. I’ve heard that also from people on NextDoor. It’s nuts. My kitty had fleas and worms. Had to order Cheristin online, but then I was able to get a month’s worth through Magazine Small Animal.

            My exterminator is Larry Gumpert, Pro-Tech Pest Control. 504-736-0736. He is the best!! Small business owner, so it’s just him. He talked me through the whole flea massacre process.

      4. Roaches are so stigmatized, and they really shouldn’t be. Apartment buildings, small suburban homes, ginormous McMansions…we all get them. I’ve had all three, and had roaches in all three. I’m almost…compulsively clean, but you can’t do much about surrounding environs.

        The apartment – it’s an apartment complex, they’re going to hang out. The small suburb house – our neighbor had a peach tree that he never gathered fruit from, so the roaches would feast on it. We would all get together and have exterminators at the same time, which would drive the roaches in a wave to another area, and inevitably they’d come back. McMansion – ours backs up to a creek, and roaches love damp areas. These are expensive homes (not bragging, just pointing out that it’s not a “poor or dirty or lazy” problem like so many people seem to think it is).

        Solidarity in roach killing!

    3. I hate doing laundry so much that sometimes the only thing that makes me do it is that I hate shopping even more so I can’t just replace the clothes when they get dirty lol

    4. My two closest coworkers are out for two weeks and I have discovered that although I am a downtrodden mess when they’re around, when they are not around I am a bada$$ who is confident and effective and gets stuff done. Now I don’t know what to do when they get back.

      2. I think just recognizing this is probably 75% of the battle! Now, when you feel yourself becoming Pitiful Pearl, you can remind yourself – this isn’t really who you are!

        The thing I think you should do when they get back is to observe yourself life a therapist, or a scientist – why do you become a downtrodden mess around them? Are there things you can do to avoid situations that make you feel downtrodden? I can think of a lot of circumstances that might cause this feeling – anything from “our default conversation topic is complaining about work and how difficult it is” to “they are super proactive and capable, and handle everything so I don’t have to”. I don’t think you should stay away from them by default, but this gives a good opening for you to study your interactions with them and figure out how you can be effective and confident all the time!

        1. The reason I am a downtrodden mess around them is that they are senior to me and literally spend half their time berating me and the other half interfering with or actively sabotaging my work. I didn’t realize it until they were completely out of e-mail and phone contact.

          1. Ooh. When you said “closest”, I interpreted that as “closest friend-coworkers”. Sounds like an unpleasant environment–but at least now you have this on your radar, and there are always plenty of folks on here who can give advice about specific situations. Good luck!!

    5. I hardcore judge the women who proclaim their allegiance to #metoo, listening to women, battling rape culture, “no is a complete sentence,” etc., while simultaneously denigrating women who do not feel comfortable sharing bathrooms and locker rooms with biological males. The cognitive dissonance baffles me.

    6. Not sure if this is a secret as much as something I don’t tell people (ha, maybe a pedantic distinction) but I posted on here a couple weeks ago about getting knocked up by my FWB, with an IUD. I ended up getting an abortion at 7 weeks, and I’m at peace with it for the most part.

      1. I remember your post and have wondered about you since. Thanks for the update. Glad you are mostly at peace…and I hope the rest of the peace comes soon!

      2. I was also wondering what had happened a with your situation and hoping you were okay. I am glad to hear this update and hope you’re feeling okay. Big hugs.

      3. I’m glad you are mostly at peace with your decision (I know you don’t need validation from an internet stranger, but still). Having to make that choice isn’t like buying a latte, no matter what some of the more rabidly anti-choice folks would have you believe. You did what was best for you.

    7. My son is 12 and I am already having crying episodes when I think about the day when he leaves for college. I am so sad just contemplating it.

      1. My baby is 2 months old and the other day I thought about her leaving for college and got choked up!

        1. Mine are 5, 2, and 1 month and I was contemplating how much fun it will be when dH and I can have hobbies again and travel and visit them in college ;).

          1. Ditto to both the choking up at thinking of the kids growing up and away, and gleefully planning all the things we could do without them… is that weird?

      2. Ditto. My kid is finishing up freshman year of high school and I’m also tearful. Also, I let him spend way too many hours gaming, so I feel like he’s already drifting away…..

    8. I have very strong feelings for my coworker. He’s married, I’m single. I think about him all the time and feel like it’s such a black hole. We have tons of 1:1 time together and know each other well, so it’s not just one of those trivial crushes. I don’t believe in cheating at all, but I probably couldn’t resist if he was up for it. But he seems like a totally faithful husband, and that makes me even sadder that he’s not mine.

      1. A guy who will cheat with you is not someone you want to be with, trust me. I’ve seen it happen a thousand times both in real life and with celebs. If he cheats with you, he will eventually cheat on you. See eg Khloe and Tristan.

      2. Or maybe you can resist! Way in the past, I had romantic thoughts about a good friend until in a drunken moment he was like “I would like to kiss you now”. Instead of my dreams coming true it was like a bucket of ice water for my feelings. I was really surprized by my own reaction!

        1. I’ve had this happen, too. Fantasies rarely survive reality, even in the moment. OTOH, I just started seeing a former colleague who I had a bit of a crush on the 8 years we worked together. He was married, so I just enjoyed it as a harmless reason to look forward to going into the office until he left the company a year ago. Now we’re at different companies, he’s getting a divorce and has moved out (his wife has been cheating for years), and since we had stayed in touch, I mentioned my own upcoming potential job change. We met up to discuss the new job prospect, he mentioned his divorce as part of the catching up, and it’s just growing from there. So just wait 8 years? :) also, I accepted the cool new job!

      3. If you respect him and like him very much as you say, you shouldn’t even try to temp him to cross that line. That would make you a bad woman. And women like you seem to get their just desserts in the end. If there is someone out there for you, you will find them. But you must have integrity!

      4. You are a bad woman if you even try to tempt him. You have to remember that women like you get their karma. Also, you have no idea what kind of husband/father he really is behind closed doors.

      5. i felt this way about a co-worker – he was happily married with kids and I was single. We hung out all the time and I always felt sad that I hadn’t/couldn’t find someone like him (our paths had crossed earlier in our lives but we never met). At one point he was ignoring his (heavily pregnant) wife’s calls to chit chat w/me in my office and I started feeling badly. Eventually the crush passed and we’re also not as close anymore, which, while a little sad, was probably for the best. I would try and make other work friends so you don’t spend quite as much time with him. It will make things easier.

    9. Three weeks ago, I had a medical abortion. It failed and the fetus did not pass. This week, I had the in-clinic procedure. It was awful. I know that it should not be a pleasant experience, but I was not prepared for the pain and discomfort.

      I was heckled by protesters on my way in and out of the clinic. I thanked the staff profusely for doing what they do every day and for dealing with the protesters as part of their job. The only person I have told in real life is my partner who is gone for long periods of time for work. I don’t feel that I can tell some of my closest friends because of their struggles with fertility. I hate myself for being an open defender of women’s rights but not comfortable talking about this IRL. I feel like a fraud.

      1. That sounds really rough. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I think women’s rights means that a woman gets to choose whether she talks about her experiences. If you’re not comfortable (now or ever) talking about it, that’s okay.

      2. I’m so sorry you had to deal with protesters during the procedure. You’re not a fraud – you’re having a rational response to the hatred and misogyny people (and the country overall) have shown you. Hugs <3

      3. Big hugs. That is a rough experience. Abortions are hard enough when everything goes as planned. I hope you take some time so you can heal mentally and physically.

        You are not a fraud. This just happened and you are still processing it. It takes time. Also, it’s okay not to feel totally safe about talking about terminating a pregnancy because of how strongly people feel about it. This is your experience, you get to decide how you share it, when, and with whom. Not talking about your experience doesn’t make you less of an advocate for reproductive rights. Sometimes when I am feeling like I am being less of a champion for the causes I support than I should be, I make a donation to a nonprofit doing work related to the cause. If you can fit it in your budget, maybe making a donation would help? Just a thought.

        You’ve been on a rough road. Give yourself some time and be gentle to yourself.

      4. I am so sorry you are going through this. I posted above about my own experience. If you’d like to chat, please feel free to email me at petite fiona 8 at the G-mail dot com (minus spaces). Sending hugs your way.

      5. I’ve been there and it was awful, too, but now 11 years later and no regrets. The protesters were so bad that my friend had to sneak me out a side door and I was out of it from the drugs. Only a few people ever knew and if anyone asked, I tell them I had a miscarriage.

      6. I’m so sorry that you had that experience, both the medical part and the protestors.

        Please take care of yourself – the shame and stigma around abortion can make it very isolating, even when you are confident that it was a good choice. If you can’t tell friends about it and are thus without your usual support network, it might make sense to find a therapist to do a few sessions and process what happened. You deserve care and support.

        1. I live in an incredibly liberal city in CA and we have protesters at PP…don’t think it’s just the Bible belt.

          1. Yep that are protesters at most PPs I think…went to one in Boston with a friend once and saw protesters.

      8. You all are so kind. Reading your comments has helped me immensely. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. This internet stranger very much appreciates you!

        1. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I noticed one thing – you said “This should not be a pleasant experience.”

          I think it should be as painless and discomfort-free as possible. There’s no moral punishment that should be attached to an abortion, regardless of your reason. It’s a medical procedure. Nothing more.

          Be gentle with yourself. Many hugs from an internet stranger.

    10. I pregnant but I really want to have a few shandys on the porch on this gorgeous day. (Guilt at feeling like giving up alcohol is the worst part of pregnancy.)

        1. You and I live in the same place. Is it hail? Is it snow? Can I be bothered to go to my MM LaFleur appointment tonight? All I want to do is crawl under a blanket and hibernate.

          1. It’s 12+ inches of snow and the first blizzard warning for the metro area in 35 years (to the day…) Sigh…

      3. For me it’s sushi and raw oysters, but I totally get this! Have definitely considered risking it…

        1. OMG yes the sushi. I am not missing alcohol at all, but I crave sushi and poke like every day…despite the fact that I never ate it all that often before getting pregnant. What the heck?!

        2. I’m pregnant and gave in to temptation and had oysters (twice) and sushi (3 times). It was glorious. Still no booze though even though I think it would be fine to have a glass of wine or a beer.

      4. When I got so pregnant that I was mentally comfortable drinking again, I was having such severe reflux that there was no room left for the beer that was calling my name :(

    11. I joined my HOA about 3 months ago. It’s a close-knit group and president, v.p., treasurer, secretary, etc. are “appointed” (aka no one wants to actually take leadership responsibilities). So I raised my hand and was made president. Yawn–it’s a chill group of neighbors who have lived there long enough to not really care about lawns, trash, paint colors, etc. I tried to learn everyone’s names but it wasn’t a super high priority for me.

      So…a week ago…an HOA member dies in a very traumatic way. And I have no idea which neighbor she is/was. Everyone is talking about how much they miss her and are planning a neighborhood potluck. By virtue of being president, I’ve approved a budget and will obtain the block party permit from the city.

      But really? I can’t picture her. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a conversation with her. Apparently she loved to make pies for neighbors? I am just lost in this mess of a situation. I’m in Ellen’s “Bad Place” only instead of baby showers for someone I don’t know, I’m planning her funeral!

      1. Why are you being hard on yourself? You are greatly helping the people who knew the neighbor well by handling the logistics and other arrangements. The people who knew her can focus on making the potluck personal and supporting each other. You’re really helping them, trust me. Just get the permit, make whatever general arrangements needed to make this happen, and let the others handle the memorial aspects. You’re not at fault for not knowing the deceased.

    12. I have a certification exam that I haven’t studied for and realistically won’t have enough time to prepare for. I’m thinking about just taking it anyway, failing it, and rescheduling it immediately after for a month later.

      2. Sure, why not? If it won’t affect your ability to pass it later, e.g. averaged scores or limited number of tries, just treat it as a practice exam. It would probably help passing it later.

    13. My dad was adopted and recently found out his biological father, now deceased, was a big-deal champion in a popular sport. His obituary reads like a who’s-who of famous people in this sport saying how great a guy he was. I don’t think I would have wanted to know him, he was married with a pregnant wife when he had this affair. I really never considered that he might find these folks (all spurred by doing an ancestry dna test), and didn’t expect finding this out to have such an emotional and intellectual effect on me. If I had a half-sibling, I would want to know – my dad has three. My dad’s wishes are to not disrupt anyone’s lives, but what if they, or their kids or a relative take the same test and find us? I feel like it’s only a matter of time before this gets more interesting. I feel guilty about being curious about these bio grandparents because my grandparents are the greatest.

    14. I’ve never even typed this out but I have a major crush on a former coworker. I thought it would fade when I switched jobs but nope, every once in a while he pops into my mind. We are both married. I love my husband and I don’t have any interest in cheating on him for real. My daydream is basically that Hot Coworker will confess feelings for me and I’ll get to nobly shoot him down or something? It doesn’t make any sense but I can’t let it go.

    15. I absolutely adore my kids but at this point I’d rather be their friend than their mom so I can’t wait for them to grow up. (I have three teen boys)

    16. I’m a few months pregnant and over the moon about it. I love my DH but feel that in large part, I settled so that I still had time to have kids. I don’t love him the way I loved several of my exes (who broke up with me) and I worry that we don’t have what it takes to make it for the long haul, but I had run out of time to keep looking for someone who knocked my socks off. I don’t say this to sell him short, because he is kind, smart and a good man who loves me exactly the way that I am and I am sure he will make a good dad (though he wasn’t as excited as I am about parenthood). On the flip side, I also know I wasn’t in a position to be a single mom for financial and other reasons, but I really wanted to have kids with a partner, so this was the best of otherwise bad options.

  5. I am presenting at a handful of conferences this year, something I have never done before. My work requires that my daily footwear is sneakers. I know I have to buy shoes to wear when presenting to professionals but what can I buy that’s as low cost as possible (since I’ll wear them so rarely) and still comfy enough to stand and walk in (when presenting and then networking before/after)?

    1. What are you planning to wear to present? Skirts or pants? A suit or business casual?

      1. top, blazer, pants (so I have pockets, if needed). Not a skirt or dress person in general though either.

        1. Buy some relatively comfortable booties. I have a pair of Sam Edelman that I wear with suits and skinny pants.

        2. Lifestride brand shoes are affordable, comfortable, and on Amazon. I’ve worn them for large and small group presentations.

    2. Don’t cheap out on shoes to present in. If your feet hurt, you will be miserable.

      What are you wearing to present? Suit? Dress? Nice jeans? Pants or skirt? If skirt, how long? Give us something to work with, and we can help.

    3. Are you in science? I’m too much of a wimp to wear high heels when I’m standing all day so my go-tos are nice ballet flats (very surprised how much use I got out of a well made pair of black patent leather ballet flats) or a less-than-2″ heel. With trousers, I’ve gotten away with a Mary Jane from Clarks (not the most fashionable, but trousers hide most of the shoe and if I’m walking a mile from the hotel to the conference center I don’t want to be in pain.

    4. In a similar situation, I went with Aerosoles. I don’t know that they were remarkably comfortable or supportive, but I didn’t get blisters or other pain, and that, besides not spending much money, is what mattered to me at the time. (I will say they didn’t last long, but my feet have changed size a lot in the last few years anyway, so it wouldn’t have benefited me if they had.)

    5. Look for a basic pair of black flats – probably a DSW or similar type store will be your best bet because they always have such a wide variety of brands. You might have good luck with brands like Dr. Scholl’s or Aerosoles if you want to be extra certain you’ll be comfortable.

      One thing I’d caution you against is thinking that a very low or kitten heel will be a good solution. I wear heels a lot but find that little 1-inch heels are hard to walk in, twist my ankle a lot, etc.

      Also, I wouldn’t worry too much about them being fashionable – I hear way more judgemental remarks at conferences about people wearing stylish but impractical shoes than vice versa. Everyone is familiar with the frumpy but comfy conference shoe. :)

      1. Yes, I would go to DSW and look for a basic pair of shoes that fit your style of dress, are comfortable, and you might be able to wear again. They have everything from ballet flats to comfort shoes to certain styles of Nikes or Addidas that you might be able to get away with, depending on your industry and conference. And I second the advice to avoid kitten heels or certain low heels. Look for wedges, block heels, or substantial stack heels if you are going to go with heels of any type.

    6. I would go on Amazon/6PM and buy whatever acceptable-looking Clarks or Danskos are the cheapest. I really like my Dankso loafers and oxfords (lila and louise), they may be on sale because they’re probably last year’s models. I think they look cute with ankle pants and dresses so I do wear them casually.

    7. I would go to DSW or similar and try on some different options to see what brands work for you. Clarks always look like they will be comfortable but they do not work on my narrow feet. Naturalizer works quite well for me, on the other hand. I just got the Naturalizer Whitney low-block-heel pumps on sale for $40 and find them very comfortable FWIW.

  6. I’m on the hunt for some new jeans and would appreciate any brand recommendations. I’m a size 14 pearish hourglass with a soft stomach (thanks, DD (and wine)). Skinny jeans aren’t the most flattering on me, but I’d prefer something with a thinner shaft than bootcut. I’m not a huge fan of the AT/Loft curvy-cut jeans. Would prefer to spend less than $150.

    1. I love my gap jeans, particularly the curvy skinny, but they also make a “real straight” jean I own and love that may be more appealing to you. At a 14 you’re close to me and probably looking at something in the 31-33 size range (free return shipping – try them all!)

      1. I like NYDJ jeans. They have a slightly higher rise so they hold me in. Lots of different cuts and colors to choose from. I find them at Nordstrom Rack.

        1. I am a pear and I hated NYDJ. Not enough room in the seat or thighs. Basically mom jeans on me.

      2. Seconding Gap. They are high waisted and suck everything in nicely. I’m an extreme pear and can wear them off the rack.

        1. Are they soft and stretchy?

          I had some 10-year old Gap curvy jeans and post-partum I tossed them out b/c the seams from those seemed to be aggressive at digging into me (I had put on weight and then had some tearing post-baby that made me want nothing less than perfect comfort down there).

          Would try again b/c they were awesome.

          1. They have a bunch of different options with varying levels of stretch right now. The “jegging” version is the softest/stretchiest, but they have another in between version (maybe the “36o stretch”?) that feels like denim but very comfortable. If you have a gap near you I would encourage you to go try out the options, that was super helpful for me.

      3. Just got some Gap curvy skinny jeans (am a pear as well) and love them so far.

        As far as sizing goes, FWIW I am usually a size 8 but am experiencing some early pregnancy bloat and am wearing a size 31 so I have some room to grow. Despite being 2 sizes bigger than my norm they aren’t THAT big on me (although they do stretch out a bit after some wear). All that to say, they run a bit on the tighter side IMO.

    3. Levi’s 300 Shaping Series – the Shaping Straight might be up your alley, can wear with boots or sandals or sneaks or flats.

    4. Athleta sculptek jeans. Size down. Super comfy. They’re skinny but the legs are more straight cut, at least in my size. Also, high waisted jeans from Gap or BR are great.

  7. Looking for an awesome 30th birthday gift for my husband – he’s into hunting, fishing, outdoorsy stuff, cooking/grilling, gardening (the actual kind ;)) , and “different” things. I’m looking for something super unique, but am coming up short. Anyone have ideas? I’m already planning a small surprise party and we’re going to do an experience type of thing too, but I’m looking for something special that he can look back on and remember it as a 30th birthday gift.

    1. My husband has similar interests and a traeger grill is high on his wish list. If you are interested in an experience, a local gourmet restaurant in our area offers a “whole hog” class where they teach you how to make different types of meat (bacon, pork chops, etc.) from an entire hog.

    2. How about a fountain or something for the garden with a plaque commemorating his big birthday?

    5. My husband is similar. I got him a Big Experience for his 40th and skipped the tangible gift. Items around the house that my husband loves:

      – a portable mini greenhouse (it’s walk-in size – got it at the Christmas Tree Shops for $50)
      – cast iron pans for cooking
      – a smoker (his favorite prep method for ducks – similar ones are pretty reasonably priced at Home Depot)

    6. For my husband’s 40th I took him to Kansas City for the kcbs BBQ competition. I signed us both up to judge the open competition, and it was really fun. We’re from Canada and had never been to Kansas City before (and have few opportunities to eat “real” BBQ, which happens to be my dh’s favourite food group).
      At the kcbs he discovered the Fast Eddy by Cookshack grill-smoker, so his experience gift turned into a tangible gift too! We have had it for a few years and he absolutely LOVES that smoker.

    7. Depending on where you are located, there are some great Orvis “experiences” that could be day or weekend trips for outdoor types (Sandanona in NY and Pintail Point in MD come to mind).

  8. Has anyone read The Sympathizer? I’m reading it now and loving it! It’s one of the best books I’ve read in a long time. The writing is so compelling. I just read a wonderful paragraph about fish sauce. I just wanted to comment here because I think y’all would like it. Meantime, I didn’t really like A Gentleman in Moscow.

    2. YES. It is amazing, one of the faves in a long time. My husband also read and enjoyed.

    3. I read it – and I preferred A Gentleman in Moscow. ;) It was very good, though – I remember the ending as being particularly intense.

    4. Ohh, it’s on my “to-read” shelf – I really should bump it up!

      I read A Gentleman in Moscow because it was very highly recommended by a friend. I spent the first half of the book wondering what the big deal was but got completely absorbed by the second half!

      1. I couldn’t get into A Gentleman in Moscow, but if it really does pick up in the second half, maybe I’ll force my way through?

        1. I never thought it picked up but it’s really popular, so maybe that’s just me.

        2. I thought so! Didn’t really like the beginning, but I really liked the book by the time I finished it.

        3. I’m not even sure if it truly picked up, or if I was just so invested in the characters at that point that it became more interesting. I think I went into it expecting more of a thriller/spy type novel and it wasn’t until the second half that (spoiler) I realized like, oh, they weren’t joking, he really does stay in this hotel for decades! But by the end I found it very charming, in its own way.

      2. I liked it but it was loooooooooooooooong. I feel like he was trying to write War and Peace or something. I think it could have been half as long and just as good.

    5. Yes, I can’t say I “enjoyed” The Sympathizer, but it was really powerful and thought-provoking, and it’s stuck in my brain in the months since I read it. It’s a great book.

      Have you read Sing, Unburied, Sing? On its face, it’s not similar to The Sympathizer, but I had similar feelings about it–it’s tough subject matter, but the writing is compelling, and it stays with you after.

      I actually enjoyed Gentleman in Moscow :) It’s fun and entertaining (and definitely picks up in the second half).

      1. I read most of the Sympathetizer for a book club. It was well written but I found it difficult to get through. I loved Sing Unburied Sing and kept thinking about the main characters for weeks afterwards.

    6. It’s on my to read list. My husband finished it recently and really liked it.

    7. Yes! I loved it. It won the pulitzer- I’ve loved all the recent ones – very excited for the 2018 ones to be announced on Monday

  9. Looking for suggestions about a fun activity that can happen at a luncheon where people have to remain seated at their tables. I’m about to be president of my service club, and I’m trying to mix things up a bit by occasionally departing from the meeting format of lunch-announcements-speaker.

    I’d like to do a quarterly “anything can happen day” where the program is more interactive. I’ve already decided to do a kind of speed dating activity for one meeting, but does anybody have any other ideas about something fun to do for about half an hour after lunch with 100-125 people seated at 8-person round tables amid post-lunch coffee cups? I remember doing some fun exercise in grad school relating to building a Lego set, but for the life of me I can’t remember it or find it.

    Anybody? Have you ever done anything truly fun or memorable in that kind of setting?

    1. Best networking breakfast I’ve been to had questions related to the speaker’s topic that we went around and answered. Not sure if you’ll have table captains, but it helps to have someone in charge of leading the convo.

      1. Can you elaborate on that? There were questions physically at the table and you went around the table and answered them among yourselves?

        1. Yep they were specific to the topic (work-life balance ideas for working women, in this case) but could be prompted by the speaker? The leader asked the questions and we all just went around and answered in our own way, and veered off topic as the conversation moved.

    2. I’m not sure if this is the kind of thing you’re looking for…but at the start of every school year, I do an activity with brand new teachers who are getting to know each other. They get a bag of marshmallows, a set amount of tape, and a set number of toothpicks/dowels. They have to build a structure that stands independently. Whoever builds the highest wins. You can put limits in place like only two people can actually touch the structure which requires the group to be more communicative than they might otherwise be. There’s all sorts of good debriefing questions – what was most surprising, who emerged as the leader, what would you change next time, etc. And there’s some (dubious…) research that kindergarteners do best at this project (when compared to older children and adults) because they have no set ideas about what “should” work so they’re willing to try all sorts of structures.

      2. No offense, but I freaking hate (HATE) when events have icebreakers like that and I know I’m not alone. Proceed with caution.

        1. No offense taken. These people know each other so I think it will be more fun than with strangers.

          And also? If the curmudgeons don’t like it I’m okay with that. ;)

        2. Funny that you say that…I’m the one who suggested the activity and I also despise them. But years of leading trainings (with a group of pretty young, generally enthusiastic adults) has taught me two things: 1) most people like those activities and I’m the outlier, and 2) the trainings are so much more productive when people have some sort of fun collaboration from the beginning. But yeah…I hate them as a participant myself.

          1. Also this isn’t a training — it would be in the part of our meeting where usually people are nodding off during a presentation by a speaker. I’m hoping it would be experienced as a fun change of pace.

        3. Also consider that it’s a service club so everyone is there because they want to be there, and presumably are also involved because of the social aspect of it. In picturing who would be there I kind of think the ones who hate it the most might also be the ones who would actually benefit the most from it (as someone who personally dreads talking to people I don’t know well but enjoys getting to know people in the long run).

    3. I remember going to a luncheon where we were given work to do together that would help us get to know one another better, then we had to report back to the group.

  10. I’m likely going to get a ~$20,000 bonus in the next few weeks. I’d love some advice on how to use it. Here are the possibilities:

    $18,000 remaining in a variable rate HELOC, currently at 5.25% interest rate. We are aggressively paying this off, so paying it in full would eliminate an $800/mo payment.

    Bank for increased daycare cost (second kid is starting daycare in June, will cost $20,000 per year). We likely can afford the increased monthly cost, but it will require reducing the HELOC monthly payment, and serious belt tightening.

    Max husband’s retirement savings. Currently only maxing mine, husband puts $10k in his 401k.

    I’m thinking that it’s the best idea to pay off the HELOC, right?

    1. I’d say pay off the HELOC and use the monthly savings to max out Hubby’s 401(K) with monthly contributions.

    2. Yes, with that interest rate, I’d pay off the HELOC and then put the savings towards hubby’s 401K first, then daycare/emergency fund. Congrats on the bonus!

    3. $18K to HELOC, $__K to 401k, $1K to splurge (if you don’t budget in a splurge you’ll blow it on a bunch of little splurges feeling like you have the padding now.) And the extra $800/mo from the HELOC payments will go toward daycare. Yay for bonus dreaming on a Friday!

      1. $1K is quite a splurge – maybe save the money unless there is something you’ve really been wanting to do as a family?

    4. Will you actually be able to pay the entire HELOC? The bonus will be reduced by taxes. I would put as much toward it as you can, regardless, because you’ll get out from under the large payment sooner, but after taxes you may not have enough to actually pay it in full.

  11. does anyone here actually wear step hems? I agree that they’re everywhere (at least among merchants… I don’t see a lot of people wearing them, though), but I think they look ridiculous. Talk me in or out of this impression?

    4. I just bought a pair of maternity jeans w/ a step hem since they’re trendy and I’ll only wear them for the next 6 mos (okay, 12.)

    5. With the right shoes, they’re really cute. And this is coming from someone who takes an average of 2 years to get on board with almost any trend item.

      1. I see them now and then, and have one pair. They are kind of fresh and are a fun casual weekend look.

    6. Hate them with a fiery passion, much like I hate cold shoulder, hi-lo hems, and sharkbite hems.

      And don’t get me started on the f*cking “put a ruffle on it” trend. Why???

    7. So, I am wearing some jeans with a “step hem” today, but I didn’t know that’s what it was called, nor did I even realize they had it. They are some super stretchy jeans I recently got at Old Navy because I liked the stretch and I liked the lighter wash. They have a kind of frayed/unfinished hem, which I noticed, but I did not notice until I read this post that the back of the hem is about an inch (or less) longer than the front. I’ve worn these about three times already and seriously never noticed it. So I guess it’s a thing– a thing I bought and wear, apparently– but it may not always be as noticeable as it is on the jeans pictured here.

    8. I have not seen anyone actually wearing them, but I do not live in a very trendy place. I do not bother with them because I have short legs and would have to recut the step hem shorter, which somehow seems sillier than having regular jeans hemmed.

    9. I feel like I’m (I want to be) a grown, sophisticated women who likes to wear cute, young, and trendy things but I don’t feel like I want to wear those. Maybe it is because I am also short and even petite jeans need hemming. And I sure as hell am not going to rip the jeans up even more to emulate that shoddy, disgusting look.

    10. I might, but I wear jeans to work, so I mostly only but jeans that can pull double duty for work and weekends.

  12. These…these jeans are hideous. I don’t even understand. Why…why is this hemline necessary or attractive? Why do my jeans need a mullet? I am a pretty fashionable woman and I don’t get this at all.

    1. Your jeans need a mullet because the manufacturers are running out of ways to get you to buy new ones.

  13. Would love some hive advice – We’re moving into our first owned home when I will be about 1 month/6 weeks prior to my due date on our first kid. We want to reno the kitchen and master bath (both are functional but very ugly/dated). Most contractors are giving us about 5 week time frame (or more but we’re trying to stick with those giving us 5 weeks). We can live in our current rental through most of the reno (at a minimum, definitely through the demo part when the dust/particulates will be worst)… But what would you do knowing (a) you’re about to have a baby and (b) there’s a possibility the work won’t be finished? I cannot fathom having a newborn and still having work done. But I also recognize that if we don’t do the work now, it may be years before we have an opportunity to do it again (because I wouldn’t want a baby around all that dust and stuff). WWYD? Would you do it and then if it runs late stop for a few months to finish up (can you even do that?)? Would you just not do any of it because of the risk of it not being done? Or am I being a little crazy (its my first – I don’t know what to expect, except some measure of hell). Help?

    1. Is there any way you can stay in the rental until the renovation is done? That would be my choice.

      1. This.

        I moved into your house pregnant. Now, I have a 9 year old and a 7 year old. And the same bad bathrooms I moved in with.

        [OTOH, I guess I could have had 9 year old renovated bathrooms that are now looking dated but I still have the theoretical reno $ on hand.]

        1. That’s probably much easier than doing pretty much anything with an older baby or toddler, though. For the first few weeks a newborn is pretty much a loaf of bread that makes a lot of noise periodically.

          1. I agree. I’d rather have the space I want and move with a newborn than move in, have a baby, eventually come up enough for air to proceed with a renovation, and then have to move out with an older infant/toddler for the renovation, and then move back in.

      3. Yes… I could – it would be expensive but so is renovation… I didn’t want to since then we have to move post-baby. We were hoping to have the rest of the house set up prior to baby so once baby arrived we would be good to go… It’s an interesting thought though.

  14. I am kind of feeling myself today! My husband has been out of town since Tuesday and won’t be back until Wednesday. I work from home and was worried about being too isolated but I’m okay and handling it well. My terrible coworker quit on Tuesday and I’m now the only person handling Sales and Marketing until we hire. I renegotiated my contract to reflect this and shit is getting handled. I’m on top of my inbox, I’m sorting through what I need to do and prioritizing… I feel like a badass! I’m also concentrating on managing my stress and taking care of myself, because I have bipolar disorder and that has to be my priority… if I get sick, the ship sinks, lol. But I feel great and am excited about this opportunity to run two departments and kick ass! Haha, I just wanted to brag about myself for a minute, thanks for letting me indulge a little.

  15. I searched the past week but can’t find it and since someone brought it up in one of the more recent posts, I’d love to read it!

  16. I am considering making this switch, specifically to my city attorney’s office. It would not be a similar practice area, aside from being civil litigation. Anyone make a similar leap? Challenges, regrets, love it, etc.?

  17. I haven’t done Couch to 5K in a few years — anyone have any apps to recommend for the various intervals? Bonus if it works with an Apple Watch. I’m OK with paid but would hope I don’t have to spend forever putting in the intervals. Thank you!

    1. It’s not a perfect Couch to 5K, but the app Zombies, Run! has similar intervals and levels. Also when you run you pretend you are outrunning zombies.

    2. I’ve used and liked GetRunning. You can play your own music and it cuts in as needed. No idea if it works with Apple Watch.

    3. There is an actual Couch to 5K app that has all of the intervals built in and signals you where you need to change pace. You can listen to your own music, podcasts, etc. and it cuts in as needed. I think I spent maybe $5 on it, but you have access to it forever

  18. My sister has a tattoo on her lower and mid back (it’s a large piece). She is looking for a top that has a split or open back so that it can be visible when she goes out socially. However, she has a 38C chest and carries her weight in her lower middle (she’s a size 10ish). Is there a top that is open in the lower back that allows for a real bra to be worn and that isn’t so open to the sides that the weight that falls over the front of her jeans shows?

    Her birthday is soon and I’d love to surprise her!

    2. I often see tops like this in my barre classes, so I’d include athleisure in your search. I suggest athleta, lulu, and alo to start.

  19. Looking for a summer dress to wear to nice restaurants on date night that still jives with my casual, outdoorsy style. Any recommendations?

    Under $100 preferably.

    1. I definitely think leather slip-ons are in style, but you don’t have to get those. Check DSW – lots of brands have them this season. Keds, Kork-ease, and Merrell are all off the top of my mind.

  21. I’m a BigLaw partner considering a move to a smaller firm. What do you wish you had asked during your last job search?

    1. Company policy on flex-time
      Opportunity for growth
      Setup of the company (how are cases assigned, how much collaboration is done on a single case etc.)
      What portion of the cases are litigated v. settled etc.

    2. Midlaw partner here. I would want to know how transparent comp is, how comp works (Is it formulaic or discretionary), target or minimal hour expectations, overhead pet attorney, how originations are credited and what impact it has on your comp, budget for client development, how much admin/IT support is available, what you can expect in the way of benefits/perks, and what caused other people to leave.

  22. I have been getting sick a lot lately – about every 2-3 months. Head colds, flu, throat infections, bronchitis, you name it. I work out 2-3 times a week, I usually get 7-8 hours of sleep, I eat a somewhat balanced diet, and I practice good hygeine. I don’t have kids. I read somewhere that the average adult get sick 4 times a year, but that seems high to me. Is this normal?

    1. It has been a really hard season for flu etc… this year. I would discuss it with your doctor, but unless you have used antibiotics multiple times this year for documented infections, I would not be too worried unless it continues. Like you don’t mention any of the bad ones…. pneumonia, cellulitis or even ear infections, sinus infections etc…

      I do keep hand sanitizer at my front door and clean my hands every time I enter, and before eating. And I also keep hand sanitizer at work.

      If it continues, and especially if you have recurrent pneumonia/sinus infections/UTIs/cellulitis, then see an immunologist to discuss it.

    2. I only get sick a couple times a year but this year has been a very bad flu and cold season. Try not to touch your face much (eyes,nose etc)

    3. I’m pretty sure I have had the same flu for the last 3 months, just ebbing and returning. Sucks!

    1. … and I didn’t even see the other breaking story that Trump CALLED Cohen after the raid! Unbelievable.

    2. Yeah, I’m in D.C. and in politics. I just want to grab strangers on the sidewalk by the shoulders and go, “YOU KNOW NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL, RIGHT?!” It’s all so insane that I feel like maybe I’m the one losing MY grip on reality.

  24. There is an actual Couch to 5K app that has all of the intervals built in and signals you where you need to change pace. You can listen to your own music, podcasts, etc. and it cuts in as needed. I think I spent maybe $5 on it, but you have access to it forever

  25. Mother of a 13 year old girl who is ADD, insomniac, refuses medication or therapy but is miserable, mean to me, moody, difficult. Looking for sympathy, advice, stories of teens who grew out of it and became lovely people later. Stories of how awful you were to your mom and when you stopped. Frustrated. I love her but its really hard to be loving to her when she is so prickily, although I know she needs it the most now. Also I was not a DifficultTeen so I can’t really relate sometimes, she is far more emotional than I am and it’s hard to be as sympathetic as she would like me to be — I get defensive when told she hates me and everything is my fault.

    1. Make her an appointment, drive her, insist that she go. “I know you are hurting, but things cannot continue like this. You are going to therapy, like it or not.” She won’t walk in, take privileges away until she does. My parents removed my door from the hinges.

      1. This. Looking back, I’ve probably had depression my entire life. In children especially, it can manifest as anger. I hated therapy (the therapist my mom took me to was convinced she had identified the Source of my Issues, but, uh, no, her theorizing was just absurd – think Freudian hypothesis). Mom also tried anti-depressants for me once, but I took it for 3 days and said I didn’t like it, so I quit them. I can see what a difficult spot my mom was in – as a mom, you want to respect your child’s wishes, but you have to remember they’re not fully grown yet, so listen to feedback but encourage her to stick with things a bit longer.

        The hard thing is about knowing how hard to push. Deep down, I can tell you I wished my mom pushed harder. It takes so much courage to stand up to a mean, moody teenager who’s yelling in your face, Mama, I know it. Ultimately, I wanted to know that no matter how many doors I slammed, my mom was still going to be a rock – she was going to tell me she wouldn’t tolerate that behavior and that she loved me. I just needed those boundaries, that support, and that love.

        1. Honestly, you sound a bit like my sister. My parents are awful at mental health (judgmental, the works) and I think it basically made my sister worse. They just decided yelling at her to be better was how to fix the problem. It’s so painfully clear to me even to this day that my sister is royally insecure and lashes out because she does not feel loved or wanted. It might also be a sign of depression (she sometimes exhibits depression symptoms). She is still a bit of a train wreck because of it. We have an odd relationship- I am close with her but we are so different and I’m tired of parenting her. I’m mad at my parents for not really knowing how to ‘parent her’ since it caused a lot of damage in our family life. They claimed they sent her to a therapist (i dont specifically remember this but maybe they didnt want me to know) and she probably only went a few times when my sister claimed it was all of our (including me) faults. My sister was either lying about what the therapist said, or my parents should have just found a new therapist for her.

          I say all of this just so you can hear how it pans out when different approaches are used. I think the therapy suggestions are all great. Firm but ‘we will always love you’ approach i think would have been really helpful for my sister (I am like that with her, and this is why we have a relationship and she still fights w my parents). You need a third party to intervene. Good luck. I’m sure this is REALLY REALLY hard.

          1. What you’re describing sounds a lot like acceptance therapy and DBT. I had to go take a class in those things to learn how to be there for my sister (my default was to be either judgmental like our parents or, as not to be like them, to be a total doormat). It really, really helped me to learn how to be firm but accepting. I have a really good relationship with my sister now.

          2. It’s so hard. Also I still struggle with removing myself from situations and learning that who she is is not a reflection of me (my parents made me feel shameful for being upset with how everything was handled and wanted everyone to be hush hush). People who haven’t been through it don’t get it.

        2. You should get paid to give pep talks to parents, that second paragraph is so good at distilling down the essence of parenting, thank you.

    2. I was absolutely hideous to my mother when I was a teenager and she’s been one of my best friends since my mid-20s. I wish I’d been on the track team or something with hard workouts.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this!

    3. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t say enough good things about the book Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood. It is practical, sympathetic, and highly insightful. It’s mostly about normal teenage development but also addresses problems. I reread it at least once a year. Hang in there, mom.

      1. Good to know. I have add daughters (one ADD and one ADHD, wildly different) and am reading that book even though they aren’t teens yet.

        There was an ADD girl book I got on amazon based on recommendations here. Was very, very helpful.

    4. I am ADD and was pretty bad to my mom when I was a pre-teen. It got pretty rocky for a bit, but I grew out of it by 15 or 16. We are super duper close now and have been since my late teen years.

      Now as for dealing with it in the moment– what affected me the most was when my mom told me how much it hurt her when I said things like “I hate you” etc. She said that she knew I didn’t really mean it, but it hurt anyway. I’m not going to lie– I still said it again, but I felt bad about it and I think it influenced me to think about her feelings more.

      BUT my mom didn’t always handle this stuff that well. She was defensive and yelled and definitely not perfect and I still turned out fine!! You are clearly thinking about this a lot and care about your daughter very much. Just do your best and she will get through this fine in the end! Sorry your having to deal with this, internet friend!

    5. Therapy for yourself. This is hard and you need both support and coping skills.

      Hugs!

      1. Agree. I think my parents should have consulted with a therapist as well as my suggestions above.

    6. I wasn’t a “bad” teen, in the sense that I didn’t really drink or do drugs or get in trouble. But I was pretty moody and mean to my mom, and I’m sure it was difficult to be loving to me some days.

      Things got better when I went to college. On the way home from my college graduation, my mom rode with me 10+ hours, and we talked non-stop. We became pretty close once I was living in my own apartment with my BF (now husband) and had a job. I called my mom almost everyday asking for advice on jobs and relationships and how to do some pretty basic stuff related to cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping, etc. It turns out, she knew a lot more than I gave her credit for in high school.

      You say she “refuses” medication and therapy. I don’t advocate forcing medicine on a teenager, but do you have to give her a choice about therapy? I know she can go and be sulky and refuse to participate/cooperate, but I’m sure therapists who specialize in teenage years have dealt with that before. If you really think she needs the help of a therapist, I’d work on finding one who deals with ADD, insomnia, and maybe depression/anxiety in teenagers, and I’d make the appointments non-optional (although I’d allow her input on specific therapists and allow her to change therapists until she found someone she was comfortable with).

    7. I got along with my mom pretty well in middle and high school, but I started having a ton of conflict with my parents in college, particularly senior year when I was making plans to go to law school and they thought I was crazy to take on so much debt (this was pre-recession but my mom totally predicted something like that would happen). There were lots of screaming fights and vile words exchanged on both sides. At one point I said something awful to my mom – something along the lines of how she’d never supported me (which was so not true) and she cried and my dad got so mad he told me he didn’t consider me his daughter anymore and didn’t ever want to see me again. I went a while without talking to them but we did eventually repair our relationship (mom was pretty quick, dad took a lot longer but we had always had Issues). Anyway now I’m in my 30s and just had their first grandkid and we’re all really close. They are over the moon about the grandbaby and probably moving to my city in the next 1-2 years because they want to see her grow up. They LOVE my husband and hated my college BF and I think that was a big factor in why our relationship is better now, but I do think my immature and hurtful behavior caused a lot of harm too.
      You’ll get through it! Teenagers/early 20 somethings can be just awful.

    8. I wasn’t an awful teenager until I was 15 or so, but hormones had everything to do with it for me. And my entire 15 year old experience returned monthly when I retained PMDD as an adult. To get my hormones sorted, I needed magnesium, zinc, vitamin D, real folate (not folic acid), and lots and lots of protein. Believe it or not, my teenage diet was weak on a lot of those things! Maybe she won’t go along with getting her health in order either, but it can feel less accusatory than therapy, and psychiatry can make things worse when there’s an underlying hormonal issue (as can birth control, though sometimes it can buy you some time!).

    9. I was HORRIBLE to my mom for middle and high school. As soon as I moved out to go to college, it was like we hit a reset button on our relationship. We get along well now and are very close.

    10. How is her relationship with her father? My mom and I were not close, I was an obnoxious teen and we are still not close. BUT, my dad was able to really deal with me through my obnoxious teen years and *we* are very close now. A lot of it was that my mom treated me like I was a little kid, and my dad treated me like an adult with boundaries- and gave me the So Disappointed In You Lecture vs my mom, who just screamed at me. I’m mid 30s now and have nothing in common with my mom, other than she likes to play with my kids. Dad and I actually enjoy our time together.

    11. Any chance she’d be more willing to speak to a therapist who also has ADD? This has made a difference for me before.

    12. Does your daughter have irregular periods? Heavy bleeding? Acne? This may be a hormonal problem that can be treated naturally through diet and lifestyle.

    13. *hugs* Hang in there, anon.

      I was that difficult, moody, most likely depressed, and angry teenager, and I knew it. Even worse was that in my culture, mental illness wasn’t talked about and I would never have access to a therapist or medication. My teen years were me being awful to my parents and my sister, and it probably didn’t get better until I went away to college. Looking back, I think a lot of it had to do with hormonal changes at the time and not knowing how to process my emotional rollercoaster. I also didn’t want to talk to my parents, because I knew I was “broken” (from my culture’s perspective) and didn’t want to be reminded of it.

      Once I went away to college, my relationship with my parents improved. I was a long-haul plane flight away, and I had matured emotionally and mentally to be able to process my moods in appropriate ways.

      Through all of this, my parents have unconditionally loved me, even when I felt like I was failing them and myself. They’ve emotionally supported me through almost failing college, being fired from my first job, and getting to where I am today – a successful 30-something year old with a professional career. Even though I’m not BFFs with my parents, I’m so grateful today for their support despite that it took me years to be able to see it.

    14. You can totally go to therapy with the express goal of getting support in your parenting. My (noncohabitating) partner does weekly therapy for this reason – his son has a rocky mental health history and parenting him can be a challenge (and he’s a lovely, smart kid whom I adore.)

      Someone who specializes in kids/kids with ADD will be able to help you be a more effective parent for your daughter, and provide you with some support. I highly recommend it.

      1. Thanks everyone. I have taken her to therapy — 3 different therapists, the first two three times each the last one six or so and she has refused to talk to them. I leave work, pick her up, drive her there, make her get out of the car, pay the money and then she doesn’t talk to them. She says she thinks I’m trying to pay someone else to talk to her so I don’t have to. Me telling her I needed help and this could help me parent her better was not effective — she was somehow getting the message that I didn’t think she was good enough as she is and she needed a therapist to fix her. Same with the ADD and anti anti anxiety meds that have been recommended by her psych — why do I think she needs fixing with medication why can’t I just love her as is? I do go to my own therapist, its helpful, she advocates boundaries and self care, and that this is a difficult time, but it’s wearing on me. Got divorced last year and I have the kids all the time, Dad can visit whenever he wants, he just doesn’t end up doing so very often, so I don’t have much of a break. I do have a boyfriend (lovely, fun) but I don’t see him very often because of kid stuff and also she refuses to meet/ interact with him although she knows he exists (and I’m slowly introducing him to the household like you would with hostile cats). Have a son and he has met him, seems okay/ indifferent about the whole thing but he’s a much more neurotypical kid/ hard wired to be happy, so pretty easy to parent. I appreciate the advice, commiseration, and particularly stories about how it got better. Thank you all, internet strangers! I think about 70% is normal teen stuff (I really liked Untangled too) and about 30% may be the ADD, the divorce, or the combination.

        1. hmmm…. divorce and new boyfriend for you within the last year is a lot. While I am totally sympathetic with your situation and admire your resilience, I would try to hold off introducing your new boyfriend to her. It is a bit soon, no? I’m sure it’s not for you, but when I was her age I wouldn’t have been able to handle a new boyfriend so soon, especially with Dad being so elusive and unsupportive. I had anxiety (not ADD), and dealing with my parents separation at her age was very difficult. She has already lost her father, and she may see your new boyfriend as losing you too, you know?

          Good for you for having a therapist. Hang in there.

        2. Yeah, this is def about the divorce and new bf. My grandma did this and my mom never stopped b$%CHing about it until the day my grandma died.

        4. I’d also like to say if my mom and dad divorced, my mom started fing someone else right away, my dad didn’t come around much, and my mom tried to play dumb about the whole thing and blame me for being mad (a kid, with enough problems) saying I was mental and blah blah blah look at me the victim…Well, I wouldn’t be nice to you, either. You have your head up your backside, lady, and your attitude toward this is just pushing your daughter further away and causing more damage. You don’t have much time left with your kids so make it count.

          1. This is super late but as a mom, I’m just going to say that this comment is super unfair. OP, hang in there, this is not your fault, but it does sound like it is a combination of circumstances and teenager-ness. Just do the best you can. If professionals are saying she needs meds, she may need meds. Or keep trying with therapists until you find one that she can connect with. So sorry, (((hugs))).

          2. Come. On. Your job is to be there for your kid. She only has a few years left with you and she outright told you she thinks that you don’t care about her. Not to get right at another guy for your ego.

            Medicating her for this would be selfish and irresponsible. You are just an out-to-lunch parent…you and hubby both. And drag his backside over sometime to see the darn kids as well. Seriously…get over yourselves.

        5. Ouch. I hope you posters never experience the pain of a bad marriage and infidelity. I was divorced a year before I started dating and only told the kids months after that. I suppose I could have waited until they left the house but after decades of a rough marriage it feels lovely to be supported by somebody kind and loving. Also, having only shown my kids the example of a one -sided relationship, where I did all the work and got treated badly, I was hoping to provide for them an example of a more loving, fair relationship. I don’t think it serves her for me to be overly focused on her. But I understand your judgement, I put that on myself some days as well. I WISH I could drag my ex over to spend more time with his children, but unfortunately he didn’t parent much when we were married and he does even less, and listens to me even less now. I am envious of you that you’ve got it all figured out, and I wish you the best. I mean that. I hope your life stays good, I really do.

          1. Hey – hugs to you. Ignore the meanies, they are just too blessed to know what life can be like. This sounds really rough but you will make it through. My grandmother kicked out my drunkard grandfather when my Mom was 13. Mom has two younger sisters too and after a certain incident where their drunk dad chased the girls all over the house with a 30 lb iron weight, Grandma had enough. After divorce, Grandma went to evening medical school at 33 (as a single mom and with no family nearby), took 8 years to graduate, became a doctor and is one of my favorite people in the world. Mom was totally horrible to her at the time, moved away as soon as she could, traveled all over, went to college, became a microbiologist (went to therapy and finally took needed drugs) and recently started her own biomed company. Grandma and Mom have a tepid but very respectful relationship. Grandma is very proud of Mom. Mom is very proud of Grandma. Both are successful. Mom has two kids and Grandma has 7 grandkids and 7 great-grandkids. I don’t know what else qualifies as a good ending to a very rough teenage period in one girl’s life.

  26. Has anyone gotten bras from True & Co? Thoughts? I really want the scoop neck or V neck but I’m a 36G so they don’t recommend… but thinking about trying anyway because of the free returns.

    1. Nope. They don’t make my size, plenty of good companies do. Idk why you’d even try them.

    2. I bought a bra from them (36C) and it was one of the most uncomfortable bras I have ever had (correct size, so that wasn’t a factor).

      1. On the other hand, I’ve gotten several of their Gramercy bras (34C) and they are my favorites.

        My friends with the larger chests (DD, so not even up to G) hasn’t had luck because she’s sized out.

    3. I’m a 34DD and have had good luck with the size S in their True Body + bras, so I have to imagine that a M+ or L+ would work for a few sizes up. My only gripe is that I wish the True Body Lift had pad pockets. It’s a more supportive bra but for whatever reason it is totally unlined. They do NOT give great support– their whole schtick is that you basically look like yourself braless, so make sure you want that shape.

  27. I have the weirdest problem. Every time I read the word “peace” my brain reads it as “pieces.” I’m afraid of reading something out loud some day with the wrong word – particularly this word since it is often written as “rest in peace” but my brain reads “rest in pieces” which is AWFUL in most circumstances. Even just typing this I wrote rest in piece …. and had to go back and fix it. Has anyone dealt with a word swap issue before? This is really the only word I do it with.

    I’m thinking I need to do an elementary school assignment and write the word a bunch of different times in the correct contexts, by hand, until I can retrain my brain.

    1. No, but I know full well the difference between things like “too” and “to” and judge people who seem not to…yet I have suddenly started to switch them. I also go in stores and say to myself, “I don’t want x item on the left, I want y item on the right” only to come home with x.

    2. Ha, I’m an estate planning attorney and always type “tryst” instead of “trust.” Not intentional, in that I’m actually thinking the word tryst, I think it’s just that he Y is next to the U. But after 15 years of that particular typo, I always double check for it now. Sorry I don’t have actual words of wisdom, just commiseration!

      1. I type Forec instead of Force, which is problematic because the company I work for includes the word “Force” in their name (and I had to correct BOTH of them while typing this!).

    6. I type “won” for “one” and vice versa ALL THE TIME. I do know how to spell, I swear it.

  28. Can we talk more about the article posted late on the morning thread about the link between alcohol and breast cancer? I’m still working my way through the article (link to follow), but what I’ve read so far is alarming. It says alcohol accounts for 15% of US breast cancer cases and deaths, which is 3 times more than the number of breast cancer cases caused by BRCA mutations.

    Yikes. If finding out you’re a carrier for a BRCA mutation is enough to make some people want to have both breasts removed preemptively, wouldn’t statistics like this be enough to make a person want to stop drinking? Am I missing something?

    2. I don’t think you’re missing anything. It’s definitely enough to give me pause about drinking, and I’m a very light drinker (one or two glasses of wine per month usually). It did sound like the most damaging time to be consuming alcohol is between your first period and your first pregnancy, and I’m past that stage of life (sadly, I drank a lot more during those years than I do now — but there’s nothing I can do about that without a time machine).

    3. Also see the WPost article on how the US recommendations about alcohol consumption are different than elsewhere (includes reference to a compilation of study data).

    4. What you are missing: Americans like alcohol. They like to believe it’s healthy/good/okay to consume. They don’t like to hear a definition of “moderation” that contradicts what they habitually do.

    5. I cannot speak for all women, but a (relatively) small increase in a (relatively) small risk is not enough to get people to stop doing something they enjoy. The reality is that the vast majority of women who drink 1-2 drinks a day are not going to get breast cancer. The reality is also that over a lifetime, the largest risk to American women is heart disease.

      I look at it this way – life is risky. Until age 35, the largest cause of death for adult women is accidental death (mostly car accidents), but we all still ride in cars. In my age bracket, my biggest risk is cancer (of all kinds; with breast cancer being most common while lung cancer is most likely to kill). So I get mammograms. That is not going to stop me from enjoying a glass of wine with dinner.

      We would all likely live longer if we gave up alcohol, lost weight and exercised more. But many (most?) people are going to elect to make choices that lead to short-term pleasure even in light of slight long-term risk. Ask me at 84 if the statistical six months I lost to drinking was worth it.

      As a final note, some studies have shown that women with the BRCA mutation have a greater than 50% chance of developing cancer. Many of them are women who have watched family members die of cancer. Their individual odds and experiences inform their decisions. However, a woman who drinks a drink (or two) a day does not have a greater than 50% chance of developing cancer and I suspect that figures into people’s thinking as well.

    6. I guess you are missing that individuals don’t make decisions for the good of public health stats. Many more people drink than have a BRCA mutation, so why shouldn’t it contribute more to breast cancer outcomes?

    7. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. We have no family history; she had no other risk factors. She’s normal weight and walks 15 miles a week. She breastfed two kids for over a year each. She drinks two glasses of wine a night, sometimes three on a weekend night, and had for years. Doesn’t ever get drunk, but the drinking is consistent. The oncologist told her the drinking caused the breast cancer. Since then I only drink three drinks a week now, which they’re not really sure is safe. So, yeah. It’s something to think about.

      1. My deepest sympathies and best wishes for your mother!

        But her oncologist cannot know that. I have a cousin who also had no family history and no other risk factors, breastfed 4 children, ate moderately and exercised regularly. A strict Southern Baptist, she never drank a drop of alcohol in her life. She was also diagnosed with breast cancer in her 60’s (although she has been in remission for years). The causes of cancer are so complex that it cannot be attributed to any single factor.

        1. Yeah it’s complex and you can’t say alcohol “caused” any one woman’s breast cancer, and of course there are women who don’t drink who get this cancer (my MIL doesn’t drink and was diagnosed with state 1 a few years ago – thankfully she’s fine now). But alcohol is definitely a significant risk factor and OP is smart to cut back.

          1. Agree 12:22am Anon was harsh, but I totally agree that if the doctor really said that, he/she is a terrible doctor and completely wrong and misleading. What a cruel and awful thing to lay a guilt trip like that on her mother.

            Or perhaps the OP misheard the doctor, who may have been trying to make the point that the only behavior that she had that may have contributed to increasing her risk was the drinking. But every single person who reads this board I bet participates in at least ONE behavior that increases our risk of breast cancer.

            The point is that cancer is not caused by one thing. It is caused by our genes that we are born with and the mutations we inherit + random mistakes in our DNA that occur as we live when cell division occurs (ie. bad luck) + environmental exposures that increase the probability of these DNA mistakes occurring and thriving (ex. radiation/smoking/alcohol/nitrates in food/dry cleaning chemicals/watching the real housewives/my fat butt from too many french fries/blah blah blah).

            It is ultimately your genes. It isn’t your fault. Some of us have worse genes than others. And some of us are really really unlucky.

            My mother didn’t smoke or drink, ate healthy and was active, didn’t dry clean her clothes, travel in airplanes, expose herself to any known toxins or other risk factors … yet developed pancreatic cancer and died young. Her sister smoke, drank, dry cleans all her clothes, eats a lot of meat/sausage etc… and is still healthy going into her 80’s. Not even everyone who smokes gets lung cancer, right…..? How can that be, if smoking causes cancer?

            It is your genes. And even sisters have different genes. And sisters have different “luck”.

            And we/the public also don’t understand statistics/probabilities etc.. as an earlier poster pointed out and often freak out about relative risks without truly understanding….

    8. There is also the new article in the Guardian about the huge new study showing how alcohol shortens your life span. I don’t drink much as it is but all of this evidence is definitely not making me want to start.

    9. “It says alcohol accounts for 15% of US breast cancer cases and deaths, which is 3 times more than the number of breast cancer cases caused by BRCA mutations.”

      About 3/4ths of American women drink, but only a tiny percentage have one of the gene mutations.

      The issue is conditional probability. The article doesn’t put that forth.

    10. Most people do things that put them at a higher risk. I mean, do you eat meat, especially processed meats or meat that may be grilled or cooked at a high temp? That causes cancer. Do you eat sugar? Are you at a perfect BMI? All of these things cause cancer and they’re all things most adults do.

      1. The link between alcohol and breast cancer is a lot stronger than the link between sugar and cancer or slightly higher than ideal BMI and cancer or meat (in general) and cancer. A lot of people do avoid charred/processed meats because of the cancer risk.

        1. Isn’t the link between meat, especially charred or processed, and colon cancer pretty strong though?

    11. I read the article yesterday. Definitely an eye opener—I knew alcohol was carcinogenic, but not about specific ties to breast cancer.

      And yet. The only thing I can think about, after having a day or so to reflect, is what a friend heard from his mom’s oncologist: “You live your life. You do the best you can, or you don’t. You get cancer, or you don’t. We all die anyway.” Morbid but obscurely comforting.

  29. What’s your favorite way to respond to MLM solicitation messages on social media? In this case it’s a barely acquaintance who would never talk to me otherwise. 1) Ignore. 2) Polite “no thanks”. 3) Ruder and more direct in order to prevent future solicitations- “No, I’m not interested in your product/MLM, I know you only added me to push your product” (OK so I probably wouldn’t say the second part of that one, but I want to.)

    1. Ignore 100%. By posting this question on this site, you’ve already spent more time thinking about the request than you should!

  30. I know several people here use the Forest app to decrease smartphone/internet distractions. From the website and the app-store, it’s not clear to me what benefits the paid version has. Has anyone upgraded and was it worth it

    1. I upgraded; I forget what the difference is but there are definitely no ads, and I think the tracking might be better? I like being able to use a different tree each day, so when I look back at the week and I can see which days I did the most. For me, it was worth it because it was a small, one time cost, but if it works for you without it, there might not be a need…

  31. Has anyone gotten stopped by a cop in NY just because they thought you had your cellphone in your hand when you didn’t? Have you tried to show them that you actually weren’t on your phone and they weren’t hearing it? Why don’t they just ban having things in your hands while driving…I don’t get the point of pulling people over during rush hour when they just *think* you have a cellphone in your hand. It’s like, “Thanks for making me late, arsehole!”.

    1. This can’t of been in NYC, right? I mean, IME you really have to be a crazy driver to get a cop’s attention in the city.

      1. Not to imply that you are a crazy driver, just that I forget how outside of the city cops have more time on their hands. Or something.

        1. Keep in mind there are towns that exist in upstate NY because they give tickets… 87 / 17 / 81 / 90 are all roads to be really really careful on because there are regular patrols / tons of radar

    3. I would love it if more drivers get pulled over. Because even though you are annoyed, you will never forget this experience and may be more careful in your behavior, and you will complain to friends/online and influence more people to be careful.

      I see dozens of people driving on their phones every day. Driving while eating/putting on make-up/hanging your arm out the window is also risky behavior, but plenty of people do it every day.

      Do you realize how many people are killed a maimed every day in cars? It is the most dangerous thing we do every day. So many people are injured that it isn’t even reported on the news anymore because we are desensitized. Maybe you haven’t had your bad accident yet, but you will…. I guarantee you….

      I have a family member paralyzed after being hit by a distracted taxi driver. I was almost killed by a drunk driver and have residual injuries that will affect me for the rest of my life. While in a family member’s car, we have been rear ended twice by people driving while on their cell phones.

      I’d love it if the cops spent less time hanging out at the 7-11 on our corner and were giving out more tickets to people on their cell phones, in cars…. or warning distracted drivers.

      1. Have you seen the way the cops themselves drive? The way they tear ass into an intersection in a residential area? The way they come up on you and tailgate at about 95 mph? Not to pull anyone over with their lights on or anything…They’re just rushing to the coffee shop because they’re on break in 2 mins.

      2. There is so much wrong with US driving culture. We’ve set things up so that more people need to drive than safely can. People who drive under the influence of medications that warn them “not to operate heavy machinery,” people whose aging reflexes are not what they once were, people who are sleep deprived, people with attention deficits, people who are drunk, high, or hungover. And then among the people who have full capacity to drive safely, a large percentage choose to distract themselves with cell phones, food, makeup, etc. Then there’s the condition of our roads and bridges. I agree that it’s only a matter of time before most of us are in our bad accident (if “accident” even applies).

        1. So they made a mistake. It happens. Or did they? Did she have something else in her hand and neglected to mention it? I still love that they were trying to stop people for driving with a cell phone.

          1. Since when can you be stopped with something in your hand? Wallet, RX bar, drink, whatever? This cell phone law is totally unenforceable and just stresses both drivers and law enforcement.

      1. That’s very interesting, but it was a town policeman and not a Trooper who stopped me. I guess I will have to be careful in the coming days.

      2. I wish they would do that in the northern Virginia area. I have a commute on a road that’s very heavily stop-and-g0, and you can always tell the cell phone drivers – they either have a five car “cushion” in front of them, holding up traffic, or they’re whizzing up behind you at high speed because they’re on their phone and they do the “slam on the brakes and drive to the side” thing because somehow the ginormous red light bar on the back of my car surprised them. I live in especial fear of the latter, since I’ve had three neck fusions and I’m afraid my head will pop clean off in anything more than 5mph collision speeds. That, and the husband has been rear-ended TWICE in less than a year. :(

        1. I should add I have a new-to-me sports car that I love unreasonably, and in addition to the “head popping off” thing, I’m afraid I would completely go nuts on someone rear-ending me because they couldn’t live for ONE SECOND without checking Facebook, Tinder, texts, or their freakin’ emails.

    5. I was once pulled over in NY on my way to work for allegedly texting while driving. I had to explain to the officer that I didn’t actually own a phone, and he was welcome to search my car but he wouldn’t find anything. He scanned the front seat and let me go but he was pretty incredulous.
      My phone had broken a few days before and I hadn’t yet replaced it.

  32. I’m looking for an easy casual t-shirt dress for weekend wear. Don’t want a drapey fabric though – would like to try something more like linen or chambray. Eileen Fisher has items that fit this description but is way to much $$$$. Anything similar for under $50?

    1. madewell on sale, maybe? I’ve had good luck with chambray dresses at old navy, of all places. gap seems to have some of these too, lately (and both gap and old navy constnatly have sales…)

    2. J Jill has some linen or linen blend t-shirt dresses on sale for around $70. I just bought the A-line shirt dress and I love it. I get tons of compliments on it. My favorite casual dresses are the jersey swing dresses from Old Navy. The short sleeve version is really cute and comes in lots of patterns. Fast fashion, I know, but they’re pretty cute.

      1. This is so pretty! And the model looks like someone you may actually see in real life. Thanks!

  33. It’s Saturday!

    Got an industry conference (finance) coming up in a resort city. I am wondering if I can get away with wearing white wide legged Vince culottes for the conference, whose recommended attire is business casual. I know the men will be in dark suits. What does the hive think? For reference, pants in question are in the link below:

    https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-pleat-waist-culottes-regular-petite/4213466?contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&resultback=348&siteId=QFGLnEolOWg-CbIAn3OLqcx6wvqqEan_dg&cm_mmc=Linkshare-_-partner-_-15-_-1

    1. Sounds perfect for a conference in a resort city.

      What top/shoes? I would lean toward more professional than resort-y.

    2. I’m in Finance too, and with the men in dark suits these white pants dont seem appropriate unless you really up the formality up top (dark top and dark blazer).

  34. Has anyone used any kind of toe spacer with success? I hate the way my feet look the older I get, and I’m thinking if I could at least straighten that pinky toe out…then remove those ugly veins…

    1. Hey, our pinky toes are genetic! Love them! Honestly, no one is looking at our pinky toes.

      Anyway, it isn’t something you can adjust with a spacer, which may give you a pressure sore or cause the toe box of your shoes to feel tighter. Surgery … but kinda crazy.

      I have moved towards sandals that cover my veins on the top of my foot, but open toes. It is what it is…..

    2. No, not genetic. I have wide feet and my pinky toes have become bent inward due to the lack of (cute) appropriate footwear available for me. I think it is causing my shoes to wear down unevenly and maybe even knee pain. The foot doctor suggested cutting the bone down in them…NOPE!

      1. Alight, well…that one’s on you. No, inward pinky toes do not cause knee pain. Sounds like years of wearing poor fitting shoes are catching up on you.

        Unfortunately a spacer will not do what you want.

        Time for some better shoes/sandals/heels that are safe for your feet. There are quite a few these days.

          1. JFC no it’s not. If you think this is unnecessarily rude you need to not be on the internet.

      2. Are you thinking of something like correct toes? I have a wide toe box as well and have been thinking about it. As an aside, I just purchased some altra shoes and they were a revelation (and I think still attractive). Lems are also worth looking into.

        1. Yes, something like that! I was wondering if those were a farce or not or if one had to spend $65.

          I see the Correct Toes people recommend buying special shoes as well.

    3. I tried a spacer and it did straighten it out, but it was impossible to wear with shoes because my feet are already wide. They’re pretty cheap though, if you think it would work for you.

      1. What type of spacer did you buy? Was it for your pinky toe (I know they have ones for larger toes that are cheap, but I am not sure I have seen cheap ones for smaller toes). Did the toe go crooked again because you weren’t able to wear the spacer during the day? I would be ok just wearing it around the house without a shoe.

  35. I will try to make this short while also including relevant information.

    I left my last job in December 2017. There were a couple of reasons that I left. Primarily, salary. Another reason was that our department was virtually ignored and given no budget for training and such because the person in the management chain who oversaw us did not understand what the department’s value was/is. Another reason, was that the business was struggling and I did not care for the way upper management, new management, was handling it.

    The good parts of my former job were my coworkers, the immediate management within my small department, and interesting work. I also had a good work life balance. Perhaps, it was hasty of me to change jobs but what’s done is done.

    Last night, my former boss’s boss offered me a significant pay increase to come back and take over my former boss’s job when he retires at the end of the year. I would start before the end of the year, as they want someone to be in the position six months prior to my former boss retiring. At first offering without any negotiation on my part, the pay increase is $35k over what I am making now. Additionally, the department has been moved from one side of the business to a much more supportive side of the business. There are more training opportunities, the salaries are better, immediate department management is better, and overall everyone seems to be happier. I also have been in touch with several of my former coworkers to confirm that the business is doing much better, and overall the morale and feeling of the business unit is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Of course, there would still be challenges, which were acknowledged when the offer was presented.

    I still have questions that I would need answered before I would make any decision. I want to know what my promotion opportunities would be in the next five, ten years, etc. I would attempt to negotiate more money, better vacation, etc.

    The pay increase would allow me to fully fund my 401(k), and save more money and my working hours would not significantly change to disrupt my quality of life. I would be able to gain immediate management experience, which could take several more years at my current job. Also, in my current job, it would take me at least five years to get to the salary they’re offering me at my former company assuming all things go well. Money is certainly not the only deciding factor, I do value quality of life and overall happiness as being more important than money at this point. But I can’t discount the ability to save more for retirement and save more generally.

    I have the usual feelings of leaving my current job and management in the lurch if I were to go back to my old company, and obviously of course how it would look on my resume. Any thoughts and additional questions I should ask would be greatly appreciated!

    1. I note that you did not cite any other real concerns about leaving your current job besides “the usuals.” I.e. sounds like you don’t love current job. I agree with your questions to ask but this sounds intriguing. Have other coworkers you respected remained with the other company?

      1. For the most part, yes. A couple of early retirements, but my small department has remained the same. Honestly, if I had known these changes were coming, I wouldn’t have left. They resolve most of my pain points. I know it’s awful to leave a job so quickly, but I feel like I have valid reasons to explore going back and there isn’t anything about my current job that’s off the charts good. It’s fine. I wasn’t looking to leave, but it’s not a dream job or anything.

  36. My boyfriend of about 15 months seems to have ghosted me. In February, I found out that he had a fling with someone else in the fall and, although I was upset about it, he seemed sincere in telling me that he ended things with her because he wanted to get serious with me, so I ultimately decided to forgive him and move on. We were talking about moving in together and he has told me more than once that he wants to marry me. Despite professing his love for me and insisting that he didn’t want to break up over the cheating incident, he has become incredibly distant over the last two months, to the point where we have only seen each other 3 times in 8 weeks. He disappears completely on the weekends, and only surfaces occasionally on a weeknight when he can meet for a drink for an hour or so after work. I told him that I was starting to feel like “the other woman,” and he insisted he’s just busy at work. It seems like he’s too much of a coward to actually break up with me, but it’s clear that it’s over. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here… I guess I’m just sad because (before I found out about the cheating) I thought he might actually be The One. I’m 37 and never married, and it’s just starting to feel like I’m going to be alone forever.

      1. She is not interested getting back with him. More like getting back AT him. I’d find a guy to take some great pics with and then send them to him “by accident”! Oops! He will regret his dalliance with the other woman.

    2. He’s definitely too much of a coward to break up with you…so you should break up with him. I know it’s easier said than done, but he’s clearly cheating again, and you deserve better.

    3. I’m sorry. Yes, you need to break up with him. Bullet dodged my friend. What a weak looser, finally showing his true colors.

      I’d honestly, I’d want to call his other woman and give her a piece of my mind.

      2. What is with the late-night Friday and the weekend trolls? I swear they are different people than post during the week. Are the moderation standards looser (or should I say, “loser”?) while Kat is off the clock?

        1. Nope, I post almost every day during the week. Not sure why you are calling me a tr0ll?

          Sorry if this is a duplicate post, but clearly my post from last night went to moderation!

          1. I think you should dump him. He is surely with someone else and maybe not finalizing things with you in case he needs a sympathy screw. Don’t let that be you even if you do have a history with him in bed.

    4. This guy is garbage. Don’t be that stupid woman who enables bad male behavior. It is better to be alone than slumming it and making a fool of yourself with a jerk.

    5. I’m so sorry. That sounds really difficult. I agree that it sounds like it’s over. I would probably pick a Friday night to call him and cut the ties, and spend the weekend being self-indulgent and mourning a bit, and then pick yourself up on Monday and move on. You deserve better than that.

    6. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this after 15 months.
      Do you need to say anything to him? You’ve seen him 3 times in 8 weeks. If you want the satisfaction/closure of breaking up explicitly, go for it. But if he’s ghosting you, he doesn’t exist, and you can feel free to just go about finding a better match. If he needs the closure, let him seek it out.

    7. I’m so sorry. He has broken up with you. He was just to cowardly to tell you formally. Move on and value yourself more than this. You deserve better.

    8. It’s over. Call him and inform him that it’s over. Rip off the Band-Aid.

      Now for other advice: “The One” won’t cheat on you. (Okay, he might like 15 years into marriage, but if he’s cheating 6 months in, don’t bother with the next year of dating.)

      You *cannot* find a man who loves you, won’t cheat on you, won’t ghost you, etc., when you’re wrapped up with a man who does those things to you. I can’t guarantee that kicking these jerks to the curb sooner rather than later means you’ll find The One, but I can guarantee that you won’t find him when you’re with the wrong men.

      1. I want to clarify that I don’t think cheating is ever okay, and marital infidelity is a special kind of awful. But a man who cheats right out of the gate is letting you know you’re not supposed to pick out a white dress.

  37. I recently started at a new law firm and quickly realized things are not quite what I expected. I just left an extremely toxic firm and am really jaded and paranoid about getting myself into a similar situation. On my first day of work I received a request for interview from a much larger firm with a good reputation (I applied over a month ago). I’m very interested. My anxiety is through the roof. Do I tell the interviewing firm about my new job? If I’m offered the position (and if I want to accept it) should I take it? What will everyone in my network think when they see this job hopping on Linkedin. Am I overanalyzing the what ifs?

    1. I think you first have to think about WHY things are not as you expected. Did you not make the correct observations, ask the right questions, or talk to the right people? Why?

      Also…and this may be difficult to face…but do you think that you might be part of the issue here? I’m not sure it would necessarily be bad to change jobs again, but I think we all know people who continually do this because of their own personal issues that they just don’t want to face/resolve.

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