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Updated: Sep 10, 2021 163 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I've commented on the lug sole trend a year or so ago, but it really does seem to be everywhere right now (even on Chucks, which leaves me with very mixed feelings).

The high-end boots all have a super exaggerated lug sole (e.g., Prada, Giudi) which, after looking through a lot of the options, I kind of like because it differentiates them from the comfort-boot lug sole. (Although I also really like these boots from Fly London. Ooh or these.)

The pictured boots here are from Marc Fisher LTD, which is a brand that I think reliably delivers a good mix of comfort, trend, quality, and affordability. True to form these boots (in four colors — the light brown is also lovely) are $219. If you want a slightly rougher look these Marc Fisher LTD boots are very similar but with more rubber lining the shoe.

Looking for an affordable and practical way to get in on the trend? These $65 rainboots have a ton of great ratings.

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Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. anon

    Reposting from the other thread. Hoping to pick the Hive’s brain on a potential side hustle idea.

    I’m an in-house attorney and worked in BigLaw prior to that. I often provide resume guidance, practice interviews, etc. for friends in BigLaw who want to move in-house. Friends identify the opportunities, and then come to me with questions on “how do I tailor my resume”/ “how can I prep for interviews”/etc.

    One of them jokingly suggested that I start a side hustle doing this since friends of friends now have started reaching out. I honestly love helping people find their dream jobs in-house and am curious if folks might find something like this useful. Would you pay for a service like that? What would you want help with? Etc?

    • Anon

      I have a friend who is doing this after being in-house. I’m not sure if you could do both (per employment rules / employee handbook). Maybe as a prelude, be on panels for bar orgs and law schools re this topic? Will get your name out and establish yourself a bit more. A lot of legal career coaches I don’t think a lot of — many are not even lawyers or have never practiced, so I think that you’d probably be able to offer more assistance than most.

    • Anon

      If you’re earning income on the side you may have to disclose to your employer. Make sure you check their policies.

    • Colorado

      Honestly no because there are so many friends willing to offer it for free, like you are doing now.

    • Anon

      I’ve also worked in BigLaw and in-house and I wouldn’t recommend that people pay for this type of service, only because I think hiring varies so much at different companies. In many cases, what companies want varies quite a bit depending on the type of company, size of the legal department, hiring needs, etc. so it’s harder to make generalizations on what type of skills to emphasize, whether it’s better to appear more like a generalist versus as subject matter expert, etc. Case in point, I was hired and wooed right away into an in-house counsel position for a private company, but after I was laid off during the recession, it was extremely hard to find another job even though I had in-house experience and (I thought) the right kind of resume.

    • Emily

      If you’re an in-house attorney, will you get a good return on investment for this – will people pay you enough to make it worthwhile? I truly don’t know – but you might. An alternative is to structure your “helping people”by saying that you mentor people in your field and adding this as an item to your resume. This would help you put boundaries around the time you spend doing this, and help you focus on people you want to support. I know we have this tendency to make everything we’re good at a ‘side hustle’ nowadays, but in my field (communication) my volunteer work with professional organizations has helped me advance. Food for thought!

    • Anonymous

      There are a ton of career coaches who specialize in this. Online course creators too. I think you absolutely could.

    • Anon

      I would be interested! Please post a burner email if you end up doing this. I’ve been struggling with the in house search for a while now and would love someone to help tailor my resume.

    • Anon

      I paid $300 for someone to revamp my resume and LinkedIn profile. Money very well spent for me. I could do it myself but it ended up being a nagging thing on my to do list that I never got around to.

    • anon

      OP here, thanks everyone, for your feedback. To the anon above who might be interested, please feel free to reach out at nextstopinhouse at the service that Google provides. (Appreciating the legal community may be small, feel free to use a burner when emailing me as well if that’s more comfortable for you.)

  2. Anonymous

    Looking for wisdom. For those of you who have a high demand time consuming job, what are your strategies for actually establishing and maintaining boundaries? I would prefer to stay at my organization instead of leave. A recent poster described she was in disaster recovery. I am not in that field, but I do tend to have feast or famine/spikes and downturn‘s and work. It is hard for me to maintain my sleep and health when I suddenly have a month of 90 hour weeks. I’d like to be able to figure out how to better balance, turn things down, or otherwise spread things out but I’m not Having much success. For those of you who think this is unavoidable, I appreciate your perspective, as well. I’m particularly interested in those who have managed to moderate those spikes.

    • Anonymous

      can you elaborate on how your sleep/health are different during a 40-hour week vs a 90-hour week?

    • Anon

      I think you should maybe sit down with your boss and discuss burnout and what type of work you can and cannot support. Tell them that you’re not willing to work 90 hour weeks for a month and propose a more reasonable schedule that works for you. See what they can offer. Tell that that you’re actively looking for new jobs.

    • anon

      what is the job? I totally get the “tell your employer you are unwilling to do this” but you need to be prepared to back it up. Are you in big law? the spike in associate salaries over 200k for first years is driving a lot of this– reduced headcount, need for higher productivity to balance out the low profitability. If you are in big law, this might just be the gig, and you may choose to get out now.

      I am telling you– this bubble can’t go on forever… from the human or business side.

      • Anon

        If it’s the poster from yesterday, she’s in a low paid government job barely making ends meet.

        • Anonymous

          If this is true absolutely get out – 90-hour weeks are a reason why big soulless jobs pay so well. The $ also lets you outsource to better balance your life.

    • anon

      If that feast-or-famine approach is part of your company’s culture, I think you’re going to be hard-pressed to stave it off completely. Only you know whether you’re actually allowed to say no. Where is the work coming from? Is it predictable (doesn’t sound like it), or is it something that could be solved with better planning on your organization’s part?

    • Anon

      You hire people you trust and you delegate tasks or entire projects to them when you can’t handle it all yourself.

    • MagicUnicorn

      What causes the feast or famine situation? If it is outside forces over which you have neither control nor influence that is one thing, but if there are aspects of it that you are able to manage, lean into that and sketch out how to better organize things for your own convenience. I.e., are there predictable projects that eat up a ton of time but that you can stage or otherwise prepare for during your slow times? Are there known events that could be scheduled better so they don’t all hit during busy season?

  3. Anonymous

    Looking for a dress for fall family photos. I am looking for a jewel tone or other stereotypical fall color like mustard or dark brown, I prefer long sleeve dress and I’m striking out. Budget $100 but somewhat flexible, I have either nice tennis shoes or fall boots in tan or dark brown. I am nursing now but should be done by then, I am Broad shouldered, but otherwise a size XS/0-2 range.

  4. Anon

    Ok can we talk about the new documentary LulaRich? (About the LulaRoe MLM/pyramid scheme)

    If this had been a movie and not based on actual events, I would have called BS that they could ever have sold so many of those uuuugly leggings, but here we are.

    I am not sure I’ve ever seen any Lula Roe in the wild.

    • Anon

      I haven’t seen it (or their stuff in the wild). But contrary to this morning’s childfree-will-work-harder, it shows how hard moms will work and for how little $. It makes me sad for their sellers.

      • Anon

        The man of the lularoe couple, who otherwise does not seem like a nice guy to say the least, said that SAHMs are the most underutilized workforce in the world, and judging from now they seem to have busted their asses for this company, he’s not wrong.

        • Anon

          This is what sends me up a tree when people extol the virtues of women staying at home. Some women love it; many get suckered into some dream of a “side hustle” (that isn’t really their own business, like teaching piano or consulting). They miss working, miss feeling like they contribute financially to the household, worry about their skills atrophying, whatever it is.

          • Monday

            The first season of The Dream podcast discusses this angle a lot. It’s one reason that MLMs are very common in Mormon communities.

            In addition to the factors you mention, I think there’s a certain cachet in popular culture now about being a working woman (hence the ridiculous “boss babe” trope). I think being a SAHM in an MLM promises to let you have both forms of validation: for being a SAHM but also a working woman with a “flexible schedule,” or even a “business owner.”

          • Anon

            Monday, 1000%. A lot of women buy into the MLM culture because they can judge SAHMs for not earning income and providing for their family, and they can judge women with traditional office jobs for not raising their kids. The “I’m actually at home with my kids AND I earn income” attitude they have is very smug. You have to prey on your friends to sustain this lifestyle, but sure, you have the moral high ground… /s

    • No Face

      I love documentaries about fraud, pyramid schemes, embezzlement, etc, so this is on my to do list.

      I bought some of these when I was very pregnant. They are very soft and very ugly.

      • Sunflower

        No Face, check out the “Bad Blood: The Final Chapter” podcast about the Elizabeth Holmes/ Theranos trial currently in progress.

      • anon

        If you like podcasts, Swindled is all about this sort of thing and is quite enjoyable!

    • Anon

      SEUS, saw nothing but Lula Roe and knockoffs for several years. I think it’s out of style again now.

      • Anonymous

        Also in the SEUS and I did see people wearing the hideous printed leggings back in the day, but I would never have considered them to be in style. During the height of the craze there was a vendor at every community festival and at every one of my kid’s gymnastics meets. It was pretty obvious from the beginning that it was a pyramid scheme and that the women at the bottom would be left holding the bag.

    • Monday

      Every time I go secondhand shopping, there’s Lularoe stuff on the racks!

      I plan to watch this tonight, it’s literally on my calendar. I follow anti-MLM stuff on social media, and apparently LLR sellers have all been telling their downlines not to watch it, watch the trailer, or even Google it. Popcorn time…

      • Anon

        The secondhand stuff on the racks might be new inventory the sellers couldn’t get rid of. The doc explains it all!!

        • Monday

          “The MLM Bossbabe” account. She’s a ruthless warrior. Right now her stories are all about the MLM national conventions going on that turn out to be superspreader events with numerous deaths in the weeks following. Masking and vaccines are not popular with this crowd.

          • pugsnbourbon

            I believe that. The essential oil, low-toxin bulshitters are surprisingly, well, toxic

    • emeralds

      It’s on my list! I love MLM exposes.

      My MIL and SIL were both pretty into LulaRoe leggings for a while (not selling), so I do actually own two pairs. Unfortunately they’re super comfortable and have prints so hideously bad that I circled back around to liking them. I’d never buy a pair myself because of the ethical issues with MLMs, but I do love the stupid leggings for lounging around the house…ugh.

    • Anon

      The only places that I see them in the wild are at my kid’s daycare. The director wears their dresses and leggings – the kids love them. So maybe if you work with small children….but otherwise hard pass.

    • Anon

      I was just googling this and there’s a redd1t group called LuLaNo which is not as much anti-MLM, but more about making fun of the prints. And I am here for it.

    • Anon

      A woman I vaguely knew from a moms group started selling them when things were going really badly for her (quit her job to stay home after second kid, husband then ended up in rehab and was in danger of getting fired) and we all felt terrible about watching the train wreck unfold in slow motion. She lost a lot of money and it really sucked. This was years ago and I’ve been off social media forever now, but I hope things turned out ok for her. I’ve never seen anyone other than her wear LLR in real life.

        • Monday

          I think the numbers are even higher, like in the upper 90s percent-wise, of people who either make no money or lose money. The companies have to disclose these stats legally.

    • Anonymous

      They’re popular among the SAHM set in my small Midwest city, or were until a few years ago. I do feel like they might be kind of out of style now, but I’m not sure if people have actually stopped wearing them or if I just don’t interact with people who wear them anymore now that I’m home so much b/c of the pandemic. Nowadays I pretty much only see other humans at daycare drop-off and pickup and that’s a working mom crowd that was never big into LLR.

      I had a co-worker quit to stay home and sell LLR in 2017ish but I have no idea how it worked out for her since we didn’t really stay in touch.

    • Anon

      There’s a pretty strong SAHM contingent in my bag area city (and I know this because they were so snotty and unwelcoming at school events) but I think I would have remembered if they were wearing these wild prints. I just remember a lot of athleisure. (Lululemon and athleta type stuff)

    • Anon

      I watched the documentary this weekend – I thought it was hilarious and fascinating, and really feel for the women who were sucked in and lost so much from this scam. One topic they didn’t touch on that was the manufacturing. They must have used sweatshops? How else could they have accelerated production so quickly?

      • Anonymous

        Yeah there were a couple of other angles I wished the show had gone into — tax evasion? Copyright infringement (mentioned a bit, but I think it’s a huge deal)? Labor issues?

  5. anonshmanon

    Looking for your favorite ideas for incorporating fish more regularly. I am a decent cook, just somewhat hesitant with trying new fish stuff. I like smoked salmon and trout. I have been doing honey glazed salmon, but looking to mix it up.

      • Anon

        Get good, wild caught, fresh fish and all you need is salt, pepper, olive oil and maybe a squeeze of lemon.

    • Anon

      We sous vide fish in my house (mostly salmon or halibut) and then get variety from what we serve it with. It’s just so easy to sous vide and the results are so consistent and so good.

    • Anon

      Look up en papillote or in foil recipes. They’re my favorite way to cook fish filets. Low mess, low stink.

      My favorite is

      Tear off approximately square sheets of aluminum foil – one for every fish filet. Butter or oil the middle where the fish will touch. Place the fish filet on the center, diagonally. Salt and pepper, and add things that will taste good. Close the foil by folding and crimping. Bake these little packages until the fish is steamed and done – depends on the thickness of the filets but 15-20 minutes at 375 should do it. Serve with rice to soak up the juices, or some crusty bread to dip in.

      My favorite toppings within the foil packets are:

      Lemon or grapefruit zest, a tiny squeeze of the juice, some herbs or a fennel frond, and a pat of butter.

      Halved cherry tomatoes, minced shallot, a chiffonade of basil leaves, and a drizzle of olive oil.

      The same citrus treatment but with capers and/or chopped green olives.

      I also like to make a bouillabaisse type stew in the winter. Its a base of onions, tomatoes, thinly sliced fennel, and olive oil, with water or fish stock. It’s easy to go overboard with how much fish you buy for these but, one white filet and a handful of mussels or clams would be fine. Add shrimp or even crab/lobster if you’re feeling splurgey. Bread for dipping in the soup is a must. I live in the Bay Area and like this better than our native cioppino, but you might like that as well.

      Last, for very firm filets or something like halibut steaks, I like to grill them. Oiling the grill grates after they’ve preheated is key. Those specialty baskets they make to grill fish work as well, but you also have to oil those so I just use the grill directly. Spice rubs are good here, or just finish it with some butter and fresh dill.

      • Anonymous

        you might be interested in Ina Garten’s panko-crusted salmon recipe if this is your jam…

        • Anon

          It’s pretty similar to that but I prefer the taste of regular breadcrumbs to panko.

    • NYNY

      If you like salmon, steelhead is an easy win. I’ve been getting steelhead filets from a sustainable fish farm. I put them skin-side down on a parchment-lined baking sheet, spread dijon on the filets and chopped herbs if I have them – dill is especially good – then sprinkle panko bread crumbs on top. Bake at 400 for 15-20 minutes. If you don’t like skin (I don’t), it’s easy to lift the fish off the skin when it’s done.

    • Anon100

      Cantonese -style steamed fish is my fav. Woks of Life has both a fish fillet version and a whole fish version. My mom makes the whole fish version on the reg while I haven’t quite worked up to it. Link to follow for the fillet version to start.

      Miso cod from the Just One Cookbook site is also pretty delicious, also link to follow

    • Anonymous

      Fish pie with potato mash topping – great with a mix of cod, hake and salmon, for example.

      Fish cakes. Use any previously cooked fish, or canned fish, mix with mash, spices, maybe some onion, and egg – make into cakes or burgers, and oven bake or pan fry. Serve as a burger, or with veg.

      Salmon bulgogi or bibimbap – use the same glaze you would for beef, and serve with rice, kimchi, vegetables and an egg.

      Pizza with tuna, onions and olives.

      Salad Niçoise with tuna and eggs.

      Since you like smoked salmon, try smoked mackerel as well, maybe pepper mackerel.

      A Scandinavian classic and very mild fish dinner: poached cod with boiled potatoes and carrots and melted butter with chopped hard boiled eggs as a sauce, parsley garnish.

      Poached trout served cold with cucumber salad.

    • PLB

      I prepare salmon in my air fryer. Pour a little EVOO and season it with whatever you like, set it and go. Crispy, moist inside perfection every time.

      • Anonymous

        Yes! I just tried a “frozen salmon in the airfryer” recipe and it came out amazing.

    • Anon

      Scallops and shrimp take a bit more practice but are super quick and delicious. Mussels and clams are also very easy to cook and delicious.

      • Anonymous

        scallops and shrimp are both easy to keep frozen versions. For shrimp you want uncooked, peeled and deveined.

        For shrimp it can just be quickly pan-fried with taco seasoning for “fish tacos”
        We do a cajun shrimp bake with lemon & worcestershire sauce from Kalyn’s Kitchen that’s a long-standing favorite
        Skinnytaste shrimp quinoa bowls are good
        Skinnytaste baked scallops recipe with parmesan also really good and easy

        If you like cole slaw give Kalyn’s Kitchen’s fish taco bowls a try — we’ve made it with shrimp, scallops, tilapia, cod, whatever. delicious and easy.

        if you’re a fan of fried fish we just tried the Budweiser frozen fish and it was tasty, would’ve been good on a bun with lettuce and tartar sauce

        • Anon

          Good point about the frozen. When you buy “fresh” shrimp at the meat counter you’re actually buying thawed shrimp. 99% of shrimp are frozen on the boat at sea. Better to just buy the frozen and thaw yourself. It’s cheaper too.

    • Anonymous

      Salmon cakes from Mark’s Daily Apple are always a hit in my house and you can use canned salmon (I get Alaska, wild-caught from the brand Wild Planet). I also eat a lot of smoked salmon with eggs or on bagels. For cooking salmon fillets, I like mustard-based sauces.

    • Anonymous

      oh and tuna fish – watch out for the mercury content but I love to take an entire can of tuna, drain/rinse it, add to a bowl of salad and toss in a ton of carrots, avocado, pepperoncini — and then top the entire thing with a bunch of buffalo wing sauce. you can also just mix a can of tuna with wing sauce and eat with a fork.

    • Anonymous

      Check your grocery store’s seafood counter. Our’s (Publix) sells pre-seasoned bourbon-glazed salmon and brown sugar salmon that are delicious and all you’ve got to do is bake them.

    • No Face

      My grocery store will cook the seafood for free. This is by far the best way to incorporate it into my diet.

    • Anon

      Mussels cooked with garlic and wine, with a hunk of bread on the size
      Canned salmon is great to have in the pantry – can mix up with Mayo and seasonings like you would prepare tuna
      If you are a Costco member we love their salmon

  6. Anon

    I’m to the point where I have some reports that I supervise and review (I’m not their only reviewer). I generally have had had rockstar reports, but they have moved on. This new crop . . . is not good. Usually I’d try to help people course-correct, but I have a feeling that new hires (first job types) are likely to just bolt anyway after a year or two and that there isn’t much of a point. In prior times, I’d never let anyone hear anything bad the first time during a review, but I just sense that no one cares anymore. I chatted (in person) with another reviewer and it’s not just my opinion. I get the sense that they only take on projects to keep busy enough they don’t go on a watch list, but don’t seem to really care about timeliness or feedback or developing at all. It’s just a paycheck to them at the next pay cycle. I really don’t get this (and this isn’t a McJob), but what are you all doing now with new hires who just aren’t working out (or do you just say: your work isn’t stellar, you are frequently nonresponsive, you duck attempts to give you feedback, and your tone in internal e-mails is dismal (so they aren’t allowed direct contacts with external contacts). At some point, I will get polled on “grown potential / tell them to move on” and I know my answer.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Question: have you stopped giving feedback entirely?
      Second question: are you burnt out?
      Third question: why do you assume your current staffers will bolt?
      Fourth question: why did your rockstars leave?

        • Anon

          This reminds me of a poster a few years back who talked about how she had these fantastic, rock star employees and she set the bar high for them. Nevertheless, her internal reviews were always mediocre: her rationale was that they would hit the bar she set, they just didn’t fly over it. So, they barely met her (admittedly quite high) expectations, so “barely met expectations” got 3/5 stars or whatnot.

          I almost wonder if it’s the same person.

      • Anon

        Here is a Q — I have an employee who is never available for prompt feedback. Like if I need something on Monday, later Monday or Tuesday is good trying to find 15 minutes for feedback. This one employee is never free, “but might have some time on Thursday.” I tried that once, and then he kept trying to move around the time (dude, I am a priority to you). Then wanted to try the next week. By that time . . . the ship had sailed. I try to avoid even giving this person work, but sometimes I can’t and it’s always the same story. “I don’t have time for the time you’re making for me.” I’m just done.

    • Anon

      Just because it’s not a McJob to you doesn’t mean it isn’t to them. I despised working at a Big 4 accounting firm and only took it because I needed a new job stat. I was there for 15 months and never stopped sending out my resume after I was hired. I was probably all of the things you describe.

      Perhaps try framing it as, “Sarah, your work product isn’t living up to what I know you’re capable of. I’d like to see you raise the bar. For example, [x]. Do you think you can work on this or is there some area I can offer you more support?” Yes, that means offering a little compliment you don’t feel like offering (“know you’re capable of”) and falling on your sword (“can I offer you more support?”), but do it.

    • Anon

      I feel like this board acts at time as if there are no bad employees, only bad managers. I can confirm that each exists.

      • Anonymous

        Nah, people acknowledge bad employees here all the time. It’s just clear from the OP’s question that she’s a bad manager. Possibly her employees are also bad employees, but it’s easier for her to fix her behavior than theirs.

      • Anon

        I’m not the person who wrote this post, but thank you for this. I have some real problem staffers I’m managing closely… and then I have one who I kept thinking I had just done a poor job of training or that it was crummy timing with the pandemic and someone who didn’t particularly enjoy WFH (but also refused to go in the office when it was optional?) but. Now I’m realizing: I hired the epitome of the mediocre, overconfident white man.

        And now I’m stuck with somebody who has decided he’s too good for this job but doesn’t do most of his work, doesn’t want to delegate but also gets mad when people expect him to do work that is… his?, and complains to others that he’s massively unhappy with his job because he’s given only administrative tasks but simultaneously has been offered the opportunity to lead lots of cool stuff but either has elected not to, doesn’t have the skills I needed and didn’t want to develop them (I’m talking basic Excel), and just generally… doesn’t demonstrate anything that even mildly could make his job interesting.

        So. He does the (honestly fairly boring but I literally hired him with the goal of having him automate some fairly boring stuff) necessary tasks. He sometimes does some of the more interesting work but also when I try to give him feedback he just totally shuts down and gets snippy like, ‘Well, it wasn’t a problem for the past year, why is this an issue now?’ when – he has been told it was an issue but other people revised it and emailed him that they had changed it, I had told him, I had hand held him and walked him through exactly step by step what needed to be done, and it was still happening. He also feels personally attacked every time I ask for a status update… even when it’s just… a normal thing that people do all the time?

        Today I had the full realization that it’s not a management and communication issue, it’s really a bad hire. Who is telling others how he’s too good from this job because he has a master’s… yeah… and no Excel skills and no ability to manage a project and no ability to solve problems.

        • Anon

          If your state is at will, can’t you just fire him? “Give him notice”? “Gee, Dave, we have to let you go.” And then don’t add anything more!

          • Anon

            In most organizations you can’t just immediately terminate an underperforming employee – you have to put them on a PIP, wait for them to improve/not improve, document their progress or lack thereof, etc. It can take years, and even modest improvement can be enough to HR. And it’s even harder in government and other orgs with lots of bureaucracy.

    • Anon

      Have you talked to them about career development? Maybe they’re just clueless and need guidance.

    • Walnut

      Do you have standing 1:1’s with your employees? Has your strategy to build trust and rapport not translated well to remote work (or to whatever change your team underwent during the pandemic)? Do you clearly communicate expectations when handing off assignments? Do you cc your employees on emails to external parties so you can model the type of email communication your expecting?

      I’ve had both rockstar and mediocre employees. Both can be effective and get the job done – you just have to motivate and coach differently. I think right now a lot of people are burned out from the slog of the pandemic.

    • Ses

      How did you get these people as reports but seem to have no real authority or hand in hiring them? Coach them up or out.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly I have always considered my job (which has never been a “McJob”) to be just a paycheque. I do the job between 9-5 and then I forget about it until the next day at 9. I don’t care about developing because I am just trying to maintain the status quo so I can continue getting that paycheque. Not everyone gets their identity from their job, and you can’t force someone to care who doesn’t. I had a review in my old firm where I was told that I need to demonstrate that I “want to be there” and that the firm needed more from me in terms of caring, and I simply quit that job and got one where I would be allowed to treat the job as what it is: just a job.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you’re the one not doing your job. You are in charge of managing them. If you simply choose not to, you deserve to be fired. You’re not good at your job if you can only manage rock stars.

    • Anonymous

      I sympathize, most of the time we have great hires, but we had one hiring class of professionals who were really nice people but who just could not do the work. Talk to HR, and provide ongoing feedback so you have the record you need to advise people move on.

  7. Anonymous

    I haven’t seriously dated in 5 years and I really need to get back out there. What are the best services or apps worth my time? $ is no object… is there anything better than Its Just Lunch or whatever

    • DeepSouth

      I met my current BF on Hinge. It connects you with unknown friends of friends via other social media apps. There were far fewer late 40s men in my pool on there, but no one was a whackadoodle and everyone I talked with for any length of time was someone I felt like was worth the effort, even though they weren’t my person.

      • Anonymous

        That’s not how Hinge works anymore, it was much better when it did. It’s just randos now, so it’s the same as the others in that maybe you’ll get lucky, maybe not.

        • Anon

          Is Coffee Meets Bagel still around? That was another one that connected you to friends of friends.

          • Anon

            It is still around, but dose not work that way anymore either. I’m pretty sure that no dating apps work that way anymore

    • Anon

      I highly recommend telling friends or trust family members that you are open to being set-up with someone. I don’t want to assume that a single person in my life wants to date someone, so I’m not going to broach that topic unless that person asks. I think some of the best people you can meet are friends of friends, since they are typically already vetted for you!

      • anon

        As a single person who has now experienced multiple failed friend set-ups, I don’t recommend this. When it doesn’t work out, which most times it will not, the mutual friend is put in a weird position and/or has to hear about what happened from both sides (and it’s potentially different from each person).

        Apps will differ geographically, so it’s hard to say which would be “better” for you without that information. I hated Hinge and honestly don’t like Bumble either. I was not a fan of Hinge bc you can’t really put any meaningful information there to do early weed outs like is this person in an open marriage or are they trying to cheat. I hated Bumble because I am not someone who wants to manage a ton of convos at a time but if you don’t start a convo with a match it goes away. That said, I used the free versions so maybe the paid ones are better with my items of complaint.

        For my region (smallish “city” mid-Atlantic), Tinder has the most options and people do a decent job of telling me their jam upfront so I can swipe accordingly.

      • Anon

        That is the worst way to meet people. You end up on a “he’s single, you’re single, go forth and get together” date. Go on the apps. It sucks and it’s demoralizing until it isn’t. Just takes one, but it can be a slog to meet him/her.

      • Anon

        I meet my boyfriend this way, and I still think it’s a horrible way based on my prior experiences with friend set ups. In the case of my boyfriend, a mutual friend thought we would be great together. Her approach was to tell each of us this and then invite us to the same events so that we would have a chance to get to know each other. She was right – we hit it off, and after seeing and talking to each other at 4 events, we went on our first date.

    • Anonymous

      I agree with other posters that a lot depends on age/geography. I’m in my 40s, four years post-divorce, and just started dating again. In my area there are slim pickings on Hinge, and I agree the profile prompts give very little to go on before initiating a conversation. However, the two people I met on Hinge resulted in multiple dates.

      Bumble, on the other hand, has yielded tons of conversations and first dates, but so far no one I was interested in seeing more than once. Nice guys, just not for me.

      I’ve noticed a lot of men have profiles on both apps.

  8. Anonymous

    Has anyone done Venus White Pro for teeth whitening? My dentist sold me a kit a few years ago and I never got around to doing it.

  9. anon

    How do you get over feeling unappreciated at work? Every time we meet or exceed expectations, the bar gets higher for the next time. People stop noticing that you’re pulling off the impossible every time. My boss is fine? But this is the first time I’ve reported to someone who has never had direct experience working in my area, so it’s like she doesn’t even realize how good we are. IDK, this sounds super whiny as I type it out. I just know that I’m exhausted and constantly teetering on the edge of burnout even though my work hours aren’t extreme. We’re an overachieving organization to begin with, so it’s hard to feel like any kind of rockstar because everyone is a rockstar, if that makes sense.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t sound whiny. It sounds like moving goalposts higher, and higher, under increasing levels of stress. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Do you think this is pandemic related and will go away, or has it been like this for a while?

    • Anon

      Even if you’re not appreciated by the new manager/boss, are you feeling appreciated otherwise? Like, are you paid well, do you have good support for what you do, and do you feel challenged and find your work interesting? I’ve been in your shoes too many times to count, and unfortunately for me, whenever I felt underappreciated, the only way out of that was getting a new job with higher pay.

    • Anon

      Moving the goalposts constantly sounds really stressful. Have you directly told someone that recognition of your work is motivating? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that or asking for feedback directly. But also as you get more senior, the less verbal praise you will get – you need to find validation in knowing it’s a job well done because rarely is someone else going to do it for you

    • EDAnon

      I took on supervising a lot of stuff that I don’t have direct experience in. I would appreciate it if people told me they were feeling the way you feel. I don’t have a good sense always of what is baseline versus rockstar. I try to ensure people have the resources they need to meet expectations (not through burnout!). If you can recommend some support to ensure continued performance, I would be open to that, too. It doesn’t sometimes take time to get resources but I recognize that people only have so much capacity.

  10. Anon

    Posted last night about a family friend who asked for my advice on how to initiate a conversation about divorce to find out if his wife wants one but who wanted to know if there was a way to see if she did so they could proceed or if she did not and then he’d wait until last kid turns 18. (recap: man married 16 years, has 2 preteens, wants a divorce but wants wife to initiate, he has never been monogamous, says wife has always known and is okay with it but he could not afford alimony and child support for their posh life until a recent raise, says they are just friends but fears initiating the divorce in case she does not want one and could turn the kids against him). While listening to him, he spoke of how he wants wife to find someone who is in love with her and he wants that for him, how he sees her as only a friend, (kids born IVF as she wanted them and their deal was she raises while he works on the road, they have more than enough money now for him to cover the life and home and for him to move out, she tells him to stay on the road, he is happy to do so).

    Lots of great insights here, thanks. I’ve known him a very long time through shared family contacts but rarely see him and don’t know wife and kids. I was listening to him and wanting to be kind and compassionate, I was not thinking about whether he may have a skewed view or reporting on things. I knew I couldn’t solve this for him but was thinking about how, if my husband wanted a divorce, I would want to know in a compassionate way. As someone never married, maybe this isn’t possible?

    Thank you to all who made time to share thoughts, even if it was just to tell me they think they guy is scum. I don’t know what will happen here but I DO find myself hoping that the divorce occurs and the wife finds someone wonderful and that the kids are as least harmed in the process as possible. It sounds like he is barely home and a d!sneyland dad already, not sure 13 and 12 year olds like their parents for much longer, especially if he is barely home, but I do hope he finds a way for this to happen with compassion. Otherwise, I think he may just have a consistent girlfriend on the side until the kids turn 18 and it sounds awful for everyone involved.

    • anon

      Think about why he confided in you. You barely see him and don’t know his wife and kids at all. Anyone who knows the family already knows he’s a POS. He doesn’t get to be the good guy because he wants a compassionate divorce that he doesn’t have to initiate. I stand by my advice to stay far away from this situation.

      • Anon

        I am known for having many friends in a variety of types of relationships so I am often confided in when people think they may be judged, so I assumed it was more of that. However, so many people asked whether he might be interested in me that it made me reconsider. It sounds though that he has met someone and, rather than the usual play or intermittent things, he may be more interested in leaving because he has strong feelings for someone he wants to enter a more formal relationship with.

        I think he may see himself as a good guy in a dead marriage with a real chance at love with someone new and he realizes his wife deserves the same. It sounds like he is just hoping to do this with as little chance as possible of hurting his kids whom he is sure doesn’t know anything since everything that he has done has been while he is on the road and he doubts their mom told them and they didn’t say anything so he thinks they do not know.

        Thanks for talking it through with me, I genuinely always want to help people when they ask and I do wish I had some insight to offer to help protect the kids as divorce is never easy on kids and I do hope his wife is someday soon free to find someone who loves her and is present for her both for her and so the kids see what a happy woman looks like so they can become them. As someone never married or divorced and without kids, I wasn’t sure what to say.

        • Anon

          Yeah even if you’re confident he has no feelings for you this whole situation is messy AF and it could blow up in your face if he takes your advice and doesn’t like the consequences. I would just refuse to engage in conversations about this.

        • Anon

          You need to stay out of this, I don’t know why that’s so hard for you to understand.

          • Anon for this

            I took it as her thanking people for replying and then when more replies came, thanking or clarifying, not that it is misunderstood.

    • Anonymous

      Healthy mid-20 newlyweds don’t do IVF… 2x. That’s nearly impossible to believe.

      Is there a cultural or religious aspect to this marriage you’re not telling us? Was there a reason they married like immigration or health insurance?

        • Anonymous

          Ok, fine, amendment: I thought a prerequisite to IVF was having tried the natural way for X months (barring genetic issues), where X is a longer time period the younger you are.

          In short, I still think they boinked. But now I think he married her for the money because IVF, 15 years ago, was really expensive.

      • Anon

        “Healthy mid-20 newlyweds don’t do IVF…2x. That’s nearly impossible to believe.” I get that you’re responding to the implication that they did IVF to avoid …conceiving naturally. But your blanket statement is not it. You can be healthy, young and still have unexpected fertility problems. One of my best friends was married at 25, started trying at 26, and ending up having to do IVF at 28. And now at age 30 she’s doing her second round to try to get pregnant with baby #2.

      • Anon

        He was mid20s, she was early 30s, not sure why but others remember there was IVF talk at the time so that’s not made up I just do not know the reason.

        She was already here but she is not born here. I think she was okay due to job status but maybe they did discuss marriage being safer for her, she is from Russia. I do not know this for sure, he did not mention and I did not think of this to ask.

    • Anon

      You’re clearly looking for permission to **** this guy and nobody here is going to give it to you. Just stop.

      • Anon

        Not asking for that at all, asking for perspectives from people who have been married, from those who have likely had divorce discussions from a variety of methods and angles, and knowing I do not know about divorcing with grace when there are kids involved. Also, Guy seems to love his girlfriend so much that he’s wanting to be with her formally instead of her being another secret so he is likely not talking to me because he is interested.

      • Anon

        This whole situation has made me reminisce – not fondly – about all the times I have had a married man dump out his sob story about his marriage and life on me, because “You’re so compassionate and you’re such a good listener.” And then would hit on me, presumably thinking I would sleep with him out of pity or something.

        • Anon

          And OP’s claiming people just think she’s a good listener. Sweetheart, people are taking advantage of you because you clearly have no boundaries.

    • Anon

      I will ignore the guy for a bit and talk about you. You sound very young or, barring that, like someone who really struggles to set personal boundaries and, bluntly put, distinguishing between times when you can “help” by “advising” and times when people help themselves by using you as an emotional waste basket.

      I have been there myself – I was easy to talk to, always generally more mature than my age, empathetic and eager to please. So of course evryone “confided” in me. They want a sympathetic ear, not some sage advice. They want a free therapist.

      You don’t help by advising in toxic situations like this. You treat it is talk therapy – ask back open-ended questions until they find their own answer – OR you politely deflect and run. You have to know when to do either so in this case I suggest the latter. Not onpy because the situstion is way complicated, but because there are several flags here that you’ve already failed to set boundaries.

      Wishing you the best – you sound like someone who has empathy and some degree of wisdom combined with some degree of naivety. Everyone has naivety but not everyone has empathy and wisdom.

  11. Anon

    Are Tieks worth the money in your opinion? I love the bright blue and the red Tieks, but am also checking out Rothy’s. I work in education and clock 16k steps most days, so shoes have to be comfortable. :)

    • Anonymous

      Not worth it. I hated the one pair of Tieks I bought. Very little support. I have wide feet with high arches, and they were horrible shoes for me.

    • Anon

      I found them to be too much like slippers with no support. Fine to slip in a bag for walking home at the end of a night, but not for all day wear.

  12. Black-Tie Affair

    Need help…I have a black-tie wedding on New Year’s Eve this year, and I have no idea where to look for dresses. Any tips or favorite brands?? FWIW, I’m also fairly tall (5’11”) which can make shopping more of a challenge. Would be willing to spend up to $200, but budget is flexible.

    • Korvapuusti

      In case you’re still reading – I’m 6 feet tall and had good luck with long dresses for black tie weddings from the Bloomingdales house brand Aqua this season. Even felt comfortable wearing short (2 inch) heels in the one I ended up with.

    • Jules

      No suggestions beyond a general rec for Nordstrom, but I’d repost on Monday.

  13. Anonymous

    I just need to vent. Thank you for being an anonymous space for that. My husband’s grandfather died a few days ago. Some background: his grandfather did so much to support my husband’s family on a mechanic’s salary. He was such a good friend to me and helped my husband a lot. He had two daughters and they both just… cannot take care of themselves. My husband was neglected by his parents and has a lot of trauma. Other than his grandfather, everyone in the family is either paycheck to paycheck or on unemployment.

    My parents did well for themselves (and were generous with me) and my husband and I now have substantial means. His grandfather was the only person in that family who prioritized me as a person instead of trying to use me as an ATM. He died on Thursday after a few weeks of us scrambling to get him care after his own daughters neglected to make any sort of plan other than call us at the last minute. His last words to me were to not help people who don’t help themselves. A few months ago, his granddaughter (my husband’s cousin) took 27k from him (the last of his money) because she fell for an online romance scam. She then came to me and my husband and asked for 38k, which is when we figured out she was being scammed.

    Today, my husband’s sister texted him because her car died. She wanted one of our cars at about half the value, knowing we need two cars. I just left my job to start a business and she knows that. She texted us that anyway. I am so tired. I feel used. I love my husband so much and he does tell his family no. I am the one who has been too soft in the past. This family is a black hole for money and his grandfather warned me. I am getting to a point where I want to draw a boundary with everyone in that family but I don’t want to do it when the grief is so raw for everyone, including me. I am so tired. I don’t want any more money requests. Ugh. Thank you for letting me vent.

    • Anon

      Your grandfather-in-law sounds like a gem.

      While I understand why you don’t want to make big decisions when feelings are raw, consider two things: First, users take advantage of hightened emotions because they know you aren’t thinking clearly, so being more forceful about boundaries now may become necessary. Second, standing firm against these leeches is honoring your GFIL’s wishes and legacy.

    • Ses

      I’m sorry for your loss.
      Maybe just tell your husband to tell them no and also not to bother telling you about it. If they’re bugging you via text, you could block them. That might sound extreme, but you could just treat it as a temporary thing while you’re grieving and try to redefine your boundaries with this family.

      • Anon

        I would definitely block everyone for two weeks. It’s not that long and it gives you space to grieve. If after two weeks, you need more time, then take it at that point. If you’re feeling up to reengaging, you can do that too.

    • Anon

      I think you know this already, but in case any validation is needed – do not give them money. Signed, I have extended family like this (except in their case, all outside appearances would suggest that they have money – but in fact, they just spend a lot and expect their family to bail them out all the time)

  14. Still working from home

    Please help with self presentation on video conferences! Could Corporette please do a series on this?

    Started an in house legal role remotely this summer. Return to office has been pushed back to early 2022. Transitioned from a job with zero on camera time to one where I am on camera several hours per day. Now I feel like I need some classes for being an on air personality. Calling on college majors in broadcasting!

    Please share advice and hacks on makeup, hair, clothes, body language, voice, best blank facial expression (smiling the whole time looks and feels weird), backgrounds.

    • Anon

      I’m confused – in what way are you going to be “an on air personality”? Do you mean that you are going to be on zoom calls? Have you not been on any zoom calls (family zooms, colleague happy hours, etc. this entire time? There are tons of YouTube videos on how to look good on zoom so you can watch a couple of them. I think the best advice is to try and fix your lighting so that the light is facing you (or you can buy a ring light), elevate your laptop if you don’t have a separate computer camera, and try to place yourself somewhere so that your background isn’t too messy.

    • Anonymous

      When you want to make eye contact, look at your camera, not at the picture of the person you are talking to.

      • Anon

        When you want to make eye contact, look at your camera, not at the picture of the person you are talking to.

    • Anon

      You’re way overthinking this, people don’t want to be in Zoom meetings with on air personalities.

    • Anon

      Make sure you’re well lit
      Make sure you’re in the camera frame
      Have a clean background or virtual/blurred
      Look into the camera to make eye contact and present (if presenting easier to do this by using the video screen as a teleprompter- put your notes right under the camera to get your eyes up)
      Hair down tends to look better
      A color lipstick helps too
      Use earbuds or headphones and not your computer’s speakers

  15. Anon for this

    Any tips on how to tell if something is a love match or an attachment issue? Best friend seems to have fallen too fast for a guy (2 months in and he seems to be all she talks about). She has some childhood trauma from parents who abandoned her and has dated some really bad guys (including narcissists who often cheat). After talking in circles about him and seeming to be maybe obsessive or fixated, I saw something online that maybe it isn’t love it’s attachment to someone paying attention and it got me thinking.

    I would appreciate any insights. I will be gentle of course and listen forever to her but I do worry she is mistaking one for the other.

    • friend

      What? Are you her friend, or her therapist?

      Why in the world are you doing this?

    • Anon

      Falling for someone 2 months in doesn’t seem “too fast” for me at all. Time will tell if it’s the real thing or not. I think you’re unfairly judging your friend for being a little too into a guy, so maybe you need to step back from being this person’s sounding board since you’re clearly not happy for her.

    • Anon

      How old are you? In your teens and 20s it’s totally normal to lose yourself in a new relationship. My friends and I would joke about how friends would temporarily disappear when they met a new guy. I think by their 30s many people tend to be a bit more jaded (and/or better understand the importance of friendships) so they dont disappear on their friends the same way, but I agree two months isn’t too soon to be in love. If she has a history of bad relationship decisions I see why you’re worried about her, but I don’t think the timeline is inherently concerning.

    • Anon

      It’s really not your place to “fix” your friend if she hasn’t asked for it. If you’re just sick of talking about this new guy, pull away for a little bit or change the subject or tell her with words that you want to talk about him less.

    • Anon

      I got married 3 months after meeting my husband, so YMMV. Why is it your business?

  16. Anon

    We have one local relative and the rest of our family on boTh sides lives 8+ Hours away. Local relative is a week-loving hippy but refuses to get shots because she doesn’t want anything “like that” in her body. Today on FB it looks like she has taken yet another plane trip for a girls weekend. I just want to post: just so you know, local cousin isn’t vaxxed yet. (She also eats and drinks the whole plane ride to keep her mask off.) But I’m not, just venting here.

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