Corporette.com

Updated: May 5, 2023 248 Comments · by

Outerwear Hall of Fame: Cole Haan

Weekend Open Thread | · ·

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Dec. 2021 Update: This rain coat is included in the 2021 Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale, with some colors and sizes as low as $99.

red packable raincoat

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

It's cold! It's humid! It's rainy! Welcome to fall, readers. Which are your favorite rain jackets for this kind of weather? The pictured red one from Cole Haan has 300+ positive reviews at Nordstrom. It's packable, and has a cute bow in the back so you can cinch it. (And I'm intrigued by the “snap-down storm flap.”) I like that the pockets zip as well as snap, and the hood detaches.

It's also on sale, huzzah — it was $200 but you can snag it for $130 in three colors, sizes XXS–XXL.

(Psst: Readers have also sung the praises of this raincoat (available up to size 3X, as well as petites and talls!) — and I'm drooling over this raincoat from Mackage.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Hunting for a lightweight jacket for your commute? Classics include the designer trench ($$$$), as well as this affordable reader favorite raincoat, this classic packable raincoat! Know your office before wearing a jean jacket with your outfit, but if you're on the hunt, this one is a bestseller every year. Check out some of our latest, trendy favorites for 2024 below!

light blue raincoat
Ilse Jacobsen
red packable raincoat
Cole Haan
woman wears oversized white trench coat with drapey lapels
Reiss
Eddie Bauer black trench coat
Eddie Bauer

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Former Big 4

    I’ve been encouraged by random posts here so I want to pay it forward.

    I’m sitting at my desk crying happy tears. A year ago I left a toxic work environment that convinced me that I was a shrill bitch who no one wanted to work for. The kicker is no one could actually tell me what I was doing wrong and give me specific examples. It was crazy making. I was desperate to figure out what was so wrong with me that made me such a vile person. I could never figure it out and I was pushed out. My soul and identity were crushed.

    Fast forward to today. I’m hiring for someone to work for me and reached out to people I used to work with. Several are excited at the prospect of working with me again. I’ve received responses describing how much they appreciated my mentorship, how they always felt supported by me or how much I taught them.

    To anyone who is currently in the situation I was in – leave. You’re not toxic but the environment you’re in is. You deserve better.

    • Anon

      I’m happy for you.

      The failure to give specific examples is such a common tactic.

    • No Face

      Congrats! Leaving toxic environments/relationships is highest form of self-care there is.

    • Anononon

      I was in this situation too except that I knew I wasn’t the problem. Company even forced me into meetings with an executive coach to teach me to be nice to subordinates. At the first meeting the coach was like “this is fishy trumped up bullshit. get out of there”. So glad I left.

  2. Finding a lawyer

    Re-posting sort of as I think I missed the boat on the morning post (and it’s still in mod). How do I find a lawyer I can call on for ad hoc things? Does this even exist as a thing? I kind of want a lawyer that’s like my primary care physician. Things I would need advice on are things like reviewing an employment contract, figuring out my estate, legal liability questions. Do I need to go to a different type of lawyer for each of these?

    I’m (luckily) sort of higher net worth now, so these kind of liability/contract issues are now a concern. I also didn’t grow up this way, so no idea how to find this or have any personal connections I can go to.

    • Anon

      Yes, you need a different lawyer who is competent for each thing. Otherwise, google (many good lawyers have websites with helpful general info on them) + having good insurance + a personal umbrella policy is how I deal with uncertainty / have a plan to protect assets.

    • Senior Attorney

      If I were in your shoes, I’d find a partner at a full-service firm who practices in the area I need now, or am most likely to need most frequently. Then she could refer me to her colleagues for areas outside her practice area.

      • Ellen

        I agree. Law is to complicated to have 1 person who knows everything. When I graduated law school and passed the bar, I thought I knew everything, even tho I never practised in those areas. Passing the bar was enough, I thought. But I was wrong. I figured out that there were areas that I did not know and/or did not like. I decided to focus on Workers Comp, because that was the area where I got my first chance (other then serving subpeenies, which technically is not strictly practising law).

        After I met the manageing partner (serving a subpeenie), he gave me a chance, and I made the most of it, convincing him through my work that I could do it all. Over the years, I have focused solely on WC, with a dab of Personal Injury defense included, and I have become the biggest biller in our firm.

        Now that I am seasoned as an attorney and counselor at law, I can safley say that new lawyers should think before concentrating on an area of law they want to practise in. It is only in this way that we will have competent lawyers of the next generation. I am concerned that the new generation does not want to put in the time like I did, but ultimately confident that they, as I, will learn from their mistakes, and become productive members of the bar, like me, and those who came before me.

        I am now reaching the eve of middle age (40), so have given up on having a man to support me. I am confident as a woman that I can do it for the next 20-25 years, then retire to a life of leisure if I keep it up for the next 25 years. I encourage the hive to follow in my footsteps and draw on my expertise as I learn more and more.

    • Anon

      I used to do this for small businesses. General commercial litigator, but did everything from employment agreements, non-disclosures, MSAs, leases, property development and zoning, DOJ consumer complaints, etc. And then if things went wrong, we handled the litigation end as well.

    • anon

      I think it depends on how complex your matters are. I think you can find lawyers who will do everything, but I don’t think it’s common for any one lawyer to do everything very well, particularly if it’s complex. For this kind of preventative work, you’re not going to know they’re not good enough until it’s too late.

      As an example: If I had a super fancy complex comp situation and a high enough position that there’s an employment contract, I’d probably want an employment lawyer for most of the agreement and a benefits lawyer to make sure the comp stuff was correctly structured (cause that’s a super pricey tax bill if the company gets 409A stuff wrong). I’m not that high up, so I get a standard NDA that large employers are not going to negotiate and an offer letter that says I’m at will, so no lawyer needed. I suppose a generalist could be helpful if I didn’t know basics about things like the enforceability of noncompetes in my jurisdiction and I was signing up to work for a shady company that tried to get me to sign something bogus.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, those are three different practice areas. Ask friends for suggestions, and then once you have someone in place, he or she can likely refer to other practitioners.

    • An.On.

      A lot of clients at my firm have sort of developed into this: maybe we start with estate planning, and then do some real estate transactions for them, then advise on business sales, so on and so forth. So we have some clients who call us regularly with big or small questions (everything from “I got a subpoena” and “My son is getting divorced” to “My neighbor is requesting a zoning change” and “I bought a thoroughbred horse and I need to register it”). I’m helping out a family now who had a son who had a medical and property damage issue in another state, so we were coordinating with insurance and the hospital. We do referrals for any matters we’re not equipped to handle in office, like criminal, family law stuff, etc. I would also say, the more often you use a lawyer, the better they will be able to help you, since they’ll have a bigger/more detailed picture of everything that’s going on, so yes, you might pay for going more often, but your service should improve too. We can reach out to clients if we know there’s an issue that will affect them (like the tax laws changing). It sounds like you want more of a transactional than litigation type of firm. As to how to find it…our clients have been with us for generations! Maybe start with a few smaller consults, to get comfortable and see how they do, and if you like, just keep going back?

  3. Anon

    I’m in the process of interviewing for a job that is in my “dream industry”, but isn’t looking so great on paper. Here is a comparison between current job and potential job:

    Current Job
    – Day-to-day work is fine. There is increasing pressure to take on external-facing and management activities that aren’t of interest to me, but I could probably last another 3-4 years
    – About to be promoted; job responsibilities will be about the same as they are now.
    – Salary + company retirement contribution after promotion: ~$75,000
    – WFH 5 days/week; full-time WFH is very likely to become a long-term option
    – 17 vacation days

    Potential Job
    – Salary + company retirement contribution: ~$60,000
    – Despite the lower salary, more responsibility than my current job, even factoring in upcoming promotion at current job.
    – WFH 2 days/week
    – The commute would be about 50 minutes each way on days I need to go in. I would drive to a train stop (10ish minutes) and train the rest of the way in.
    – 24 vacation days

    For context, both current and potential jobs are at nonprofits. I live in a high COL city and DH makes about $75,000 with excellent job security.

    I should keep looking, right? My heart is clinging to hopes of being able to work in this particular field, but my head is having a hard time rationalizing $15,000 less per year for higher levels of responsibility.

    • Anon

      I’d only take less $ for govt service (with better benefits), b/c I would see govt service as a temporary detail vs career and that experience would be valuable going forward (in a net $ way). IDK that I would take more headaches for less $ except to own my own business (that might have some struggle bus early years but be better after that).

      • pugsnbourbon

        Yeah, less money for more work wouldn’t be my first choice unless I was truly switching careers. You know better than us – could you negotiate for higher salary? What are your growth opportunities within the org?

    • Cat

      Does Potential Job have any better long-term prospects than Current Job for moving up in Dream Industry, i.e., that are worth the initial pay cut?

    • Anonymous

      I would not step down to a lower salary and a bigger commute, whatever else.

    • Anonymous

      Definite no. 15k less for more responsibility and commuting an hour and 40 min per day?? No. You’ll grow to resent it no matter how much it’s your dream job. Plus you live in a HCOL so it’s not as if money doesn’t matter? I think there’s a marginal utility of money esp for those in HCOL but everywhere. It’s one thing to take a 15k paycut at 150k or 200k+ – if you’re living below your means your investments may feel the cut but you don’t; at 60-75k – no way that’s a huge % cut.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, keep looking. I’m also in the nonprofit sector. We never get true raises or any bonuses, so you’d probably never make up that $15K salary difference in the dream sector job. I wouldn’t be able to afford a $15K pay cut, as in I couldn’t pay my necessary expenses. I once took a $6K pay cut to move up from manager to director. I also think a 50 min commute is not worth it compared to WFH.

    • Betsy

      Keep looking. Even if it’s your dream area to work in, I think you are very likely to find yourself resenting this job if you take such a significant paycut for increased responsibility. And that 50 minute commute is going to give you a lot of time to ponder that resentment!

    • Anon

      You’ll lose a lot of money on direct and indirect commuting costs. The direct costs are the costs of car, parking at the train station, train pass. The indirect costs include more takeout meals, coffees, outsourcing things for your family.

    • Anonymous

      Unless your dream industry is lower compensated overall and you have made your peace with that, keep looking. (E.g., I work for a nonprofit arts organization, and the arts just don’t pay as well as many fields, even within the nonprofit sector). Switching jobs is your big chance to get a raise. Unless you work somewhere fairly large, you often have to leave to get a significant promotion or pay bump once you are there.

    • Anon

      Keep looking! I work for a very cool industry but my job is such that day to day everything is the same regardless of what we make so it sounds a lot cooler than it is. Not saying that is how that new job is, but maybe it could be a factor?

    • Anonymous

      Look at market rate for similar jobs to get a sense of true worth. (I only say this because I was making $130K a year and recently had my job eliminated and now three months later am realizing that I only get interviews if I lower my rate to around 90K, and even that’s a little higher than what I’m seeing on the few things that post on LinkedIn and with the Glassdoor estimates). So just make sure you examine salary from sources outside to know what your worth is (or isn’t). Otherwise, like others here, I’d be hesitant to lower for anything unless there is reason that’s likely to pay off for you longer term: Is there more opportunity to advance quickly, for example, going from a small organization to a larger one? Is the title one that will make future leaps a lot easier (manager to director level, for example, or one area of expertise vs. more in-demand area of expertise)? What about job stability–does one offer more valuable networking or more stability in a way that is appealing? I also would try to think about how much it is worth to you to have time and/or flexibility in the future (WfH, commute time and travel requirements can make or break day-to-day happiness, especially as you get older and likely become tied more deeply to child or elder care commitments). I also think I would look at what cost of living is like. For me, going from 130K to 90K isn’t going to be fun, but it’s doable. House is paid for and husband makes much more than me. Realistically, it will mean simply losing some of the “extras” that I’ve gotten used to like fancy bags, occasional jewelry splurges and maybe trimming some other non-essentials with clothes or grooming or eating out or trips or whatnot. If I were to go from 90K to 50K, however, that 40K difference would be felt in almost every financial decision I’d make and retirement planning. Only you know what a 15K change is likely to mean for you.

    • Anon

      YMMV but I love to travel and I would take a $15,000 salary cut for an extra seven vacation days per year (assuming holiday and sick leave were similar, so it would actually result in more time off) – that’s a lot of extra vacation time! The commute would be the big concern to me, not the salary cut. But I live in a LCOL area and $60k is plenty to live on, especially with a spouse who makes a similar amount.

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          This! Having more time but less money doesn’t make travel an option.

        • Anon

          Yes, especially with a spouse who earns the same. My household income is <$150k and even with 20 vacation days a year our travel is limited by time not money. I would take a $15k paycut for 7 extra vacation days in a heartbeat, and we would use all of them. But I live in a LCOL area and I’m aware the same salary would give a very different standard of living in a place like NYC.

    • Anon

      Hard no to the 60k job. There’s no such thing as a “dream” job or industry- those are lies told to get you to accept less money for your work.

  4. Too Many Periods

    Y’all I’m on my THIRD period in 6 weeks. I’m super emotional today too. WTF is happening to me?!

    • Anon

      A polyp? Definitely get in to see your doctor. Mine didn’t resolve on its own and I had t have it removed.

    • Anonymous

      Go see your doc. I had a similar condition treated and it really helped.

    • Anon

      Definitely see your doctor. This can be a sign of ovarian cancer. It’s likely not, but it’s important to rule out scary things like that ASAP.

    • Anonymous

      Had this happen to me at the end of college. I was sleeping 2-4 hours a day, working two jobs and finishing an undergraduate thesis. I graduated and slept for a week.

      Make sure you’re taking care of yourself and getting enough sleep. Especially if it takes a few weeks to get in to see your doctor.

    • Anon

      Girl, you gotta go to a doctor. Stat. You can get anemic from that! It’s probably something simple but it’s time to let the professionals sort you out. I had that happen to me once from extreme stress but it got worse before it got better and I needed to go on bc to get it fixed.

    • Anon

      Yep, agree with above. It’s only a period if you ovulated first, and it’s highly unlikely/impossible you ovulated three times in six weeks. This is almost definitely something off with your hormones (breakthrough bleeding, anovulatory cycles, etc) or something physical like mentioned. Do not accept birth control as the “solution”.

  5. Anon

    Any good offerings for a dark solid-color sleeved dress that is not a sheath (or a mini-dress or very ruffle-puff)? I need a winter dress that is lined (so tights don’t cling too much) that I can wear to work (or funerals, sadly) or church but all I find are prairie / ruffly / printed things or ones with no lining. My 2019-era dress is too snug at the moment and where I got that from still has linen or overly ruffled dresses on offer on its site.

  6. ALT

    Can I just vent about how much I hate butt-in-seat office culture?? I am having a SUPER slow work day and since my office requires us to be physically in-office, I’m literally sitting at my desk doing basically nothing. So frustrating. I could be doing laundry, errands, soaking up some glorious fall sunshine…but no.

    • Anonymous

      I hate that too! It’s even worse when you have a slow day and you have to bill your time. It’s my least favorite thing about my field.

    • pugsnbourbon

      What’s that I hear? The security alarm at your house is going off? Uh oh – better let your boss know that you’ve gotta head home and check it out!

    • Anonymous

      Just jealous that there are jobs where the work is ever done. Usually I’m done (as in physically exhausted) well before all the urgent work is done let alone before I have nothing to do. What industry is this?

  7. Anon

    I ran into a friend recently who I knew when she was a JAGC officer. Now, she is a SAHM in LaJolla (got married; spouse is military and travels / is deployed frequently). Her style is a very cool and comfortable SoCal style (or I imagine it to be). I am very much an east-coaster, so I have no idea where you shop for comfy clothes that look elegant and appropriately grownup. Do any brands or websites come to mind?

    • Cat

      What does coast have to do with it? Anyway, my dream Elegant Lady At Home clothes all come from Max Mara weekend.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Eh, I think there’s some high-level differences between east and west coast style. East coast might be more preppy or more NYC all-black, whereas west coast strikes me as more colorful, more relaxed, maybe a little beachy.
        That said, there’s a lot of variation within these and “cool and comfortable” can mean a lot of things. Leggings and flowy tops? Elevated athleisure? Head to toe Eileen Fisher?

        • Anon

          Not athleisure or leggings. Nice printed dresses in a relaxed t-shirt fit but of a very elevated fabric. A lot used a very pretty blue / white / lighter blue palette. Beachy, but west coast mid-40s woman version of beachy that was not remotely Lilly Pulitzer looking. It was so pretty and elegant and yet did not look try-hard.

    • Anon

      Do you have a nearby Bloomingdale’s? They have a pretty good dress selection in stores. Lots of casual brands.

    • CC

      I once asked my Trunk Club stylist to put together an outfit for “a classy lady on a Nantucket weekend” and got some great clothes!

    • Anon

      It’s a specific look that’s not Johnny Was or colorful like that. Brands that come to mind are Jenni Kane, Doen, indie designers, check out Alicia Lund’s blog for the concept and brands. Lots through Matches fashion too.

  8. Anon

    What’s your favorite adult bubble bath? I like the L’Occitane lavender foaming bath but might want to branch out. Ideally would spend no more than $50 for 16ish oz. I have somewhat sensitive skin. I’d like something calming rather than more invigorating scents because I usually take a bath right before bed. Thanks!

    • BB

      If you don’t necessarily need bubbles the L’Occitane almond milk bath is a great calming scent. I also like that it kind of lingers on my skin afterwards. I also have skin that tends to react to various things (heavy scents being one of them) and haven’t had issues with it.

    • Anonymous

      The Body Shop bubble bath scents are light and don’t irritate my skin. My current one is Pear, and I have Vanilla Chai in the queue.

    • Anon

      Bath & Body Works Eucalyptus Spearmint, available as both bubble bath and soaking crystals. It’s like a hug for my nose.

  9. Anonymous

    Menu ideas, please! We are having 2 families over for movie night outside this weekend. 6 adults, 7 kids ages 3.5-9. Kids are all good eaters.

    I was thinking chili (one spicy and one more mild), mac and cheese, cornbread but am having second thoughts about chili outside, and also not sure the kids will eat the chili at all (which is fine, nobody died eating mac and cheese and cornbread!).

    BBQ pulled pork, mac and cheese, [some veg?]? With hot dogs available as a back-up for the kids? Need more food for this suggestion. Maybe a good slaw? Kale?

    Oktobefest-ish dinner of sausages (on rolls), soft pretzels, [some kind of veg??]

    Other ideas? I’m over burgers & dogs. We are in New England where it is fall and lovely out. Friends are bringing dessert which I can almost guarantee will be apple in nature :)

    (I posted this to the Mom’s site before I realized, duh, you don’t need to be a mom to have good menu ideas!]

    • Senior Attorney

      These all sound totally divine! I think the kids would most definitely eat the chili and also the pulled pork. For the Oktoberfest menu you could add some red cabbage slaw and/or German potato salad.

      You could always do a taco bar with everybody making their own, and refried beans and Spanish rice and chips and salsa/guac on the side.

      It sounds like a great event! Have fun!

    • Anonymous

      I love chili with fixings (cheese, sour cream, green onions, corn chips, rice, etc.) and kids can usually find something they will eat in that.

    • No Face

      This sounds like so much fun!

      A surprising number of kids love chili. I would keep your first menu, and have some frozen chicken nuggets on hand if the kids reject the chili. Nuggets and mac/cheese is a fan favorite.

    • Anon

      It might not be very Oktoberfest, but I love sautéed peppers and onions with sausages (or in my case, vegetarian ‘sausage’). Big pretzels with fun dips will be a hit.

    • xx

      Make your own mac and cheese bar? A couple different kinds of noodles, a couple cheese options, and some mix-ins like bacon bits, hot dog slices, some veggies. Then you pop each creation into the oven. We did it and it was a huge hit.

    • Anon

      My kids would be pro-pulled pork and mac and cheese. Slaw (which they wouldn’t eat but the adults would) or maybe corn (which they would).

    • Seafinch

      We do chili, corn bread, chips, all the fixings for Halloween for a huge crowd with kids every year and it is loved.

    • Tea/Coffee

      My kids (and most of the kids I know) would eat any of those things!
      If you want to do an Oktoberfest-y vibe, maybe various sausages (throw in some hot dogs for the very littles), maybe a nice slaw to cut the richness, some pretzel buns/rolls. Maybe potato salad. I’m always a fan of a fruit salad too. And of course popcorn and candy for the movie!!
      Have a great time!!

  10. Stubborn

    Does anyone have any tips for dealing with an extraordinarily stubborn person who will.not.see.the.light? Does your answer change if it’s your 11-year-old child? Picking my battles isn’t working.

    • Curious

      They grow up to be me and my husband… We are definitely in for some battles as baby grows up.

    • Anonymous

      What are they being stubborn about? Seriously.

      I’m sure my mom would have written the same thing about 11 year old me being stubborn and as a 30 year old adult I have STILL maintained all those positions.

    • anon

      Solidarity. Letting him feel the consequences of bad decisions is all I’ve got.

    • anon

      In general, I think stubborn people should just be left alone to deal with the consequences of their actions. There’s no point spinning your wheels trying to convince them of something. I feel differently when you’re in a position to influence someone’s actions one way or the other–whether it’s government, employer, teacher, parent, etc.

      So, for the parent of an extremely stubborn 11-year-old, you get to develop incentives and consequences to influence their behaviors. You’re not going to get very far trying to directly affect how they think or feel about particular things. I’d give up on trying to get them to “see the light.” For actual influence, spend quality time where you ask lots of questions and listen (actually listen) to their answers and probe them to think through their own opinions. You could also start reading books or watching shows together and asking questions about the content–to some degree, what you watch or read doesn’t matter, it’s more the process of critical thinking.

      • anonymous

        This is really good advice. Helping them develop critical thinking skills and understanding their thought processes will help them in a lot of areas in life.

    • Anonymous

      OP here – after a really rough year last year he agreed to “do the work” this year no matter what class. It’s becoming clear that his definition of “doing the work” involves not ever practicing his musical instrument and then crying about how he’s failing class because he can’t make sounds when called on in class. How “doing the work” is taking the test.

      • Anon

        Take away screen time for bad grades. Have a reward system for good grades. But mostly this is letting them fail and letting them face the consequences of failure. 11 years old is a good time to learn it because nothing “counts” right now grade-wise.

        • SMC - San DIego

          The answer for bad grades is different than the answer for not wanting to wear a jacket. It is hard to generalize. The natural consequence of not wearing a jacket is being cold. Kid suffers through it and it is not life or future threatening. The natural consequence for not doing well is school is likely to be long term and it is in the nature of children the they do not appreciate that.

          I was pretty strict about school work. If the work did not get done (and we went through this at around 11-12) then the Wifi got cut off for 3 days for every missed assignment. I was flexible about class selection (start of middle school is when I let her drop music) and did not insist on A’s but demanded effort. And I explained as clearly as I could that it did not matter in the greater scheme of things if she failed the geography unit of her social studies class, but that learning to put in the work for things you did not like is a life skill and she needed to learn it.

          • Anon

            I’ve raised two who are now in good colleges and I stand by my advice. They need to fail in order to learn that succeeding is important. 11 years old is an excellent time to fail when there are really no long term consequences. I do think there should be consequences in the immediate term though.

      • Anonymous

        Is an instrument required for his grade level? How bad would it be to fail this class? Failing a class in 6th-ish grade doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me, in terms of life. When he comes complaining to you, ask him what he thinks he should do! Listen to his plan for himself without criticism or input. Like, “yeah bud, it’s too bad that you can’t make those sounds! What are you going to do about failing band / not being able to perform / lack of practice?” (Answer) “Hmm, that’s an interesting plan, I can’t wait to see you do it.”

        Good luck!

    • Anon

      Ok

      It is a pick your battles thing.

      If it’s endangering them in any way, it’s my way or the highway

      If it’s how they dress or eat or keep their room, that’s their business

      So it really does depend. But if you’re trying to control something you shouldn’t be trying to control, then their stubbornness is telling you something.

    • Anon

      For an eleven year old- Let them fail. When the crying tantrum comes because of the natural consequences, ask if they want help coming up with a game plan and act accordingly. Rinse repeat. I don’t think it’s a parent’s role to help them see the light. Maybe just tell them there is light? I struggle with this too, and I read somewhere that just as I’m not responsible for the best parts of my kid, I am not responsible for the worst parts either. It’s a hard thing, particularly this difficult year and a half that was.

    • Anonymous

      Continue to pick your battles. Do not let the small stuff get you down. Do buy into to that “you must respect me” ideal. Talk less and listen more. Choose your limited words, demands, and complaints very wisely. Put glue in your lipstick.
      My VERY stubborn child finished Stanford and is now in a top 5 law school.

    • Anon

      I can always find a coat that I love. Just never have the same luck with what goes under it. I like this one too!

  12. Anonymous

    I am trying to go paperless in my life – maybe set up a mail scanning station for stuff I have to keep in my home, work is mostly paperless but I tend to accumulate piles of trade magazines here or there. Any tips from people who have successfully purged paper? I probably have 4 bankers boxes at home (step 1 – identify, shred/store these!) and want to take the next month or so getting rid of it and stopping the flow.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t need to spend a month scanning. It’s all trash. Just throw it away

      • Senior Attorney

        Yup. The only documents you really need are real estate title docs, you birth/marriage certificates (plus death certificates if any are relevant), your passport, stock certificates if any, and maybe 7 years of tax returns. Pretty much anything that comes in the mail is trash because it can be duplicated.

    • Anon

      Recycle the piles of magazines, no need to spend time thinking about that one.

      I haven’t made an effort to go paperless, but there’s not much paper in my life. I save pdfs of tax documents and email them to myself. I usually receive them in PDF format, but when I don’t, I do scan them. (I should also probably back them up on a hard drive or something, but I haven’t.) There’s not much else I really make an effort to save, it’s all online. Paper I receive at home gets recycled.

    • anonymous

      Definitely recycle the trade magazines. Do e-billing for anything you can — utilities, banking, doctor’s office. Even my vet will email my receipt. I also get my W2s online at work. What do you have stored in these boxes? You probably don’t need to save stuff like old bills or bank statements. I would save anything tax-related.

    • Anon

      Have backups for your scanned items if they’re really important. Have things like your insurance documents, appraisals etc in the cloud so you can access them from anywhere in case of a disaster.

  13. anon

    A petty whine: We’re in the middle of a heat wave and tomorrow is supposed to be 89 degrees. Gross. How am I supposed to enjoy pumpkin patching and fall things when there is zero chill in the air? It will change soon enough and I’ll be wishing for this, but COME ON. None of the fall-ish things I want to do sound remotely appealing. I don’t need sweat pouring down my face onto my apple donut …

    • Sunshine

      It’s 96 tomorrow where I live (Texas). I’ll be wearing a sundress and sandals tomorrow.
      Although I hate cold weather so I’m completely fine with it.

    • Anon

      I hear ya. It’s 85 in my Midwest city and tomorrow I’m going to Canada and it’s going to be 30 and snowing. I just want f-cking fall. I feel like every year fall gets shorter and we skip more directly from summer to winter.

  14. Anon

    Does anyone recommend a perfect nightstand for accommodating a CPAP machine? I’m tired of yelling at the cat not to mess with it, and would like to have a lamp where it currently lives on my end table nightstand, so in my imagination, it would be nice if I could have the CPAP set up and powered in a pull out drawer or similar.

    • Anon

      My husband uses one and we have an etagere style nightstand. We are able to keep a lamp on top and his CPAP on the shelf below..

    • Anonymous

      What about a nightstand with one drawer and one enclosed shelf? I would drill a small hole in the back of the shelf for the power cord to the CPAP. I assume if the lower shelf is enclosed it’s less likely for a cat to swat at it (depends on the cat). I don’t own it, just thinking of one like Wayfair’s: Prosser 1 – Drawer Nightstand in Natural Rustic.

    • Anonymous

      I searched Wayfair since it let me easily search be height and size (I went with a round table with a drawer and a shelf in the end) that matches the rest of our furnitures’s finish since it was hard to match exactly.

    • Anonymous

      The lower shelf idea sounds great in theory but would never work for me—Cpap hose needs a lot of length, Cpap needs easy plugin access and Cpap works best if it’s operating in an area not prone to dust. (Just some considerations I wouldn’t have thought of until I became a user).

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I use a Raskog cart from Ikea. Lamp + random stuff on top, CPAP on middle shelf with the tubing shoved on the other side during the day, various other crap on the bottom (which I keep meaning to organize to store a few essential CPAP supplies but that hasn’t happened). Not a pull out drawer but the basket is deep enough on the cart that my dog has shown no interest in it (when he has definitely shown interest in other, similar things before- like nebulizer cups).

    • Anon

      I have ikea besta as nightstands. It’s in the living room section – it’s supposed to be some sort of modular entertainment center. You could totally cut a hole in the back cardboard thing and fish in an extension cord to keep your cpap in a drawer.

    • Anonymous

      Ikea has maybe ten different nightstands with different drawer combinations. Unfortunately, they also have some serious shortages.

      Look at the Hemnes (Two or three drawer), Nordiska, Vikhammer, Idanas or Tyssedal. Without knowing the height of your bed or the size of drawer you need, that’s what I can suggest.

    • Anon

      I have no suggestions but I want to express solidarity with your plight. These machines were designed to push air, not look good. My DH has a glass nightstand with a lower shelf that more or less accommodates his machine, but not in an aesthetically appealing way. Thankfully our cat could care less about it. Our puppy, however, would love to put his slobbery mouth all over it.

    • Anon

      Thanks for these ideas. So many people I know have CPAP machines that I sort of expected “CPAP friendly” to be a filter when I went shopping, but it sounds like my best approach is to get out a tape measure and just see what might work. And I can try switching to my Raskog cart right now (what can they not do?).

      • Anonymous

        I was surprised, too. I swear someone will make a mint one of these days. One other tip: Make sure you give the machine itself decent airflow since it pulls in surrounding air. Kind of gross, but I can smell anything that is nearby so a stale or musty drawer to actually run it in might not be ideal.

    • Anon

      It’s a lot easier to just lock animals out of the bedroom, which I strongly recommend doing anyway. My husband almost lost an eye when our two cats fought on the bed in the middle of the night. Getting stitches in an eyelid is super gross.

  15. Anonymous

    It wasn’t my post but someone asked yesterday how to remember who they used to be and one of the responses was – listen to music from your past. Well I have been having the same issue – feeling like how did I get so old and life turned out just average, remember all the things I wanted?

    As luck would have it my neighborhood had a 2 hour event yesterday afternoon/evening complete with a cover band. So I had 2 hours of late 90s-early 2000s music playing outside my window which was high school/college time for me. Lots of it was stuff I loved back then some things I didn’t, but even the bands I didn’t like must’ve helped. I felt so much calmer yesterday and this morning woke up thinking about how I can make life look in the next year or 3 years. What is it about music that is so magical??

    • anonymous

      I graduated from high school in 1995 so that era of music is my favorite too. I listen to the Alt Nation channel on SiriusXM a lot.

    • anon

      Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of music from a genre I listened to extensively in high school and reminds me of home. I don’t think it’s coincidental that I’ve been using music to soothe some emotional rough edges. I’m here for it. Music is magical, both listening to it and participating in some way. One of my favorite parts of church is being able to sing with a group of people. I don’t get that experience anywhere else.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      My dad is so much calmer post-stroke when he’s listening to music- even though he likes both old movies and music, it’s the music that really helps keep him calm and grounded in reality.

    • Bean74

      I’m not sure if it’s residual mental/emotional stuff from the pandemic or being on the cusp of 40, but I’ve been feeling similarly like I don’t even recognize who I am lately.

      Last month I put together a massive playlist that had all of my favorite songs from childhood, middle school, high school, and college. Each song has a very specific memory attached to it and it has been such a joy to listen to it.

      Also, I’m finding Bowling for Soup’s “1985” very relatable these days even if I’m too young to fully appreciate the White Snake and leather miniskirt references.

    • Ribena

      I like the Smitten Kitchen 3-bean one. But also in reality I don’t use a recipe!

    • anonymous

      I like the Best Ground Beef Chili from Once Upon a Chef. Also the Signature Spicy, Smoky, Sweet Chili from Iowa Girl eats.

    • Senior Attorney

      Here’s mine. I call it “crackpot chili” or alternatively “eight can chili” because of all the cans you have to open. Don’t skimp on the cumin — it’s the secret ingredient!

      2 pounds ground beef or turkey (I use 1.25 lbs ground turkey (1 pkg) and 1 lb ground beef) or Beyond meat, browned and crumbled
      1 onion, finely diced
      3 cloves garlic, minced
      1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes
      1 small can diced chilis (optional, or add more if you like)
      2 (14.5 ounce) cans Italian-style diced or stewed tomatoes
      1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
      1 cup water
      2 tablespoons chili powder
      1 tablespoon ground cumin
      2 tablespoons white sugar
      1 tablespoon salt
      1 teaspoon ground black pepper
      1 tablespoon hot pepper sauce (Frank’s Red Hot or similar)
      any 3 of the following:
      1 (15 ounce) can dark red kidney beans,
      1 (15 ounce) can light red kidney beans,
      1 (15 ounce) can pinto beans,
      1 (15 ounce) can white beans,
      1 (15 ounce) can black beans
      Brown the meat with the onion and garlic until the onion is clear. Place the ground beef mixture in your slow cooker. Add the remaining ingredients. (Just dump them in, including liquid from beans.) Cover and cook on low (or “keep warm” if your crockpot is one of the newer, hotter ones) for 6 to 8 hours.

    • BelleRose

      the game changer I just discovered for chili is to add a chopped can of chilis in adobo sauce….adds a smokiness that’s really nice without being too spicy (and I’m a spice wimp!)

    • Anonymous

      Kalyn kitchen black beans and ground beef and lime – I forget exact title but unusual and delicious.

    • Walnut

      My best chili formula is to include an ground beef and ground italian sausage (also fine to take it out if the casing of your favorite brat) and also to include a diverse assortment of peppers. Bells, banana, poblano, serrano, sweet minis, throw in one of the each. It really adds to the layering of flavors.

      Beyond that, onion, garlic, tomatoes from fresh or canned (if using fresh, go for variety here too), black and pinto beans (Mrs. Grimes in chili sauce is the gold standard if you’re in their distribution area), chili powder, cumin, salt, pepper.

  17. Anon

    I didn’t know until this week that I could sit for the CPA exam (I would not pass, but as a person with a law degree and an LLM in tax, I pass the laugh test to register for it). But have any people done that? I am wondering if that is my law escape plan (or even if it is a good field to be in), but I don’t see being able to keep up a lawyer pace for decades more until retirement, so open to considering annecdata. Early 40s, 2 kids, very very tired. Maybe could work for a mutual fund doing SEC filings or something like that. My guess is that a CFA would be more valuable than a CPA, but I’m not sure what mid-career switch options are if you like tax and a bit of math and can build spreadsheets.

    • eertmeert

      I passed the CPA exam 10 years ago. The only way to pass is to study for the exam, spending at least 50 hours on each part. If you are not already quite familiar with GAAP/audit you will have much more studying to do than that for the Accounting and Auditing sections.
      The CPA exam is taken in 4 sections of approx 4 hours each, and you have 18 months to pass all 4. The pass rate is relatively low. Then you have to fulfill X number of hours of practice hours under a licensed CPA to gain your CPA license. To maintain your license there is a CPE hours requirment, 120 hours for each 3 year renewal period.
      So to get your CPA license it is not only a test but also practical experience under a CPA, so if that is something you can see yourself doing for a period of time that could work.

    • Coach Laura

      I think with a law degree and an LLM in tax, you could easily switch to something finance, compliance or security related now. A CPA wouldn’t hurt but not required. But all of the certificates require job experience. A CPA designation allows you to be licensed by your state and allows you can certify public reports, which isn’t likely to be something you would have to do as a CFO. (In my experience, staff accountants may have to have CPA qualified but CFOs don’t always have a CPA license.) Also, the CPA exam and classes have an auditing component, which is less of a focus on the CMA exam. To get the CPA fully approved you need to work as an accountant for a time.

      The Certified Management Accountant CMA exam is an equivalent certificate, and would approximate the information learned in an MBA program: It would help you get a CFO position in the absence of a CPA background. The CMA requires work in the finance industry and in your case you may have already met that.

      The CFA exams are a bear to take and pass compared to the other two, in my experience, and usually tops the list of hard certificates to earn, followed by the CPA. The CFA also has job experience requirement of 48 months in fields like finance, trading or economics. So the drawback of the CPA and CFA is that you couldn’t put it on your resume as earned without the necessary job experience.

      If you’re serious about switching, I’d look into a one-year masters in finance instead of trying to get a certificate. A well-respected Masters in Accounting from places like University of North Carolina, would be online for 24 months and would be an option. Or an in-person one would be 9-12 months at places like University of Washington or virtually any state flagship school. If you did this, you might not need the certificate since you would have the knowledge and the MAcc credential.

    • Walnut

      Many attorneys with LLMs transition into tax planning groups. I can’t think of many that have CPAs or CFAs.

  18. Post F/Up

    I am the poster who was mildly freaking out about being recruited to participate in a search for the GC position for a very cool org (not Sesame Street though). My interview with the recruiters went well and the org is moving me forward to an interview next week with the current GC! Still freaking out but excited and confident. Have a great weekend everyone!

    • Anonanonanon

      Dang, if someone on this board is in the Sesame Workshop organization, reveal yourselves because I’m so jealous. (And would love remote!). On topic, congrats and good luck, OP!

      • Anon

        No one said they work for Sesame. OP recently said she was applying for a GC job with a dream organization and someone asked if it was the Sesame Street opening.

  19. Q

    Hive, what are your thoughts on subscribing to Legal services through your company? I think I can pay like $50 per month for basic access.

    • Anon

      It’s not the best companies who participate. I tried to do this, but had major issues with the two different companies I tried to do this with over two different years (I was trying to make a pretty standard will). Mine just . . . stopped returning my calls and emails after they got paid, but before I had proper documentation in-hand.

      • Curious

        Mine managed to make my will, but I had to check and recheck everything. I sent an email with 30+ edits, about a third of which were substantive and the rest grammar etc that could change the meaning if someone really wanted to contest it. It ended up not being worth it and we paid full freight for our prenup and will do the same for legal needs going forward.

    • anon

      I would be skeptical. Why do you want to participate? What do you get for that $50/month? If it’s a lot, why would a lawyer who can get business elsewhere participate? I think I’d rather put that money into an umbrella policy tacked on to homeowners’/renters’ insurance.

    • Audreycat

      Nooooo. You know what they call the guy who graduated last in his law school class? A lawyer. And this is where he goes to work. Get yourself a reasonably priced local attorney who specializes in what you need.

      • Anon

        Lol. This. I did it thorough my company and it was a waste of money. They really only give you a list of lawyers (who are probably not great) and then you have to call them and find one to take your case if they even restrict your calls. I tried it for an hour and was done but I had to pay for it for the whole year and then I forgot to opt out the following year! I’m totally canceling it.

    • Anon

      I also have it. I think it was maaaaybe worth it. It’s like $20/month for me and I had to call ~40 firms (no exaggeration) to get someone to respond. I’m the poster who was asking about small claims court for landlord withholding deposit. I used the legal plan to have a consultation with a few attorneys. Before the deposit thing, while we were still living at the place, one of them wrote a letter to the landlord telling him that a 24 hour notice is required to show the place. On the draft letter, the landlord address was correct. On the final letter, it was not and never made it. That was dumb. However, I did appreciate having some very basic advice about my options. So this letter and minimal advice basically cost me $240. After this and after it became clear the plan lawyers are useless, I found an attorney who does landlord tenants law and was also a mediator in a small claims court which means that unlike most attorneys, he actually knew something about small claims. He charges $250 per hour. If I account for my time trying to make the legal plan work, it would have been much cheaper to just go with this attorney to start with, but I don’t know if I would have know what to look for.

  20. anon for this

    Has anyone ordered from Universal Standard? I ordered some jeans 2 weeks ago and they have yet to ship. I asked the company and they gave me some generic language about supply chain difficulties but couldn’t provide me with an ETA, so I guess they’ll show up when they show up. I guess my question is, is the wait worth it? And if you’ve ordered something that hasn’t shipped when your credit card comes due, is that worth disputing or canceling the order? It’s about $250 and while it won’t break me, it’s a nontrivial amount of money for goods with an unspecified delivery time.

    • Anon

      Did they actually charge you yet? Most places don’t charge until things ship.

      • anon for this

        Yes, they charged my card the day I placed the order. I wouldn’t be nearly as concerned if they had waited.

    • Sybil

      I have placed two orders and been really happy with the quality. The first order shipped really quick, the second probably took a week or better, but it got to me quick once it was shipped out. I’m a big fan.

    • J

      I order from them frequently and the timing can be super hit or miss, especially when/after they’ve had a big sale. I’ve had decent delays then. Everything has always shown up and been awesome, so I’d keep waiting (and I paid for shipping recently when I knew I needed stuff by a certain date.) I love their jeans, though I’m having trouble figuring out my new 2021 size.

  21. anon

    I’m not even sure how to describe this, but does anyone have anxiety from feeling like even their best is not actually good enough? I feel this with both work and parenting. Like I’m giving the effort I have, but I can always identify what I should be doing differently or better. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the energy to be better than I am, even if I have the knowledge. The constant striving for improvement is exhausting and crazymaking.

    At work, I’m supposed to be innovative and creative, even though I’m treading water with the workload I have already and the bar is set higher every time?

    And the personal stakes with parenting are obviously higher. It seems there are thousands of ways to ruin your kids and guarantee they have emotional issues as adults. (Though maybe we’re supposed to be calling that grit? IDK. Based on today’s standards, it’s hard to tell whether I’m over- or under-parenting.) Add in having a kid who has some pretty intense parenting needs, and my confidence in this area isn’t great.

    How do I, for lack of a better term, just get over myself already?

    • Anonymous

      Are you me? Right there with you on every bit of this. I don’t have the answer. The dog is getting a lot of loooong walks and I am eating a lot of chocolate.

    • Anon

      You understand that there are very specific ways that parents mess up their kids: physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect (things like drug addiction wrap under this), and putting your own crap onto them. Tolstoy was wrong; unhappy families are drearily similar.

      I can write a thesis-sized paper on how my parents screwed me up… and it’s the same story from every refugee of a messed-up family. Parents take their garbage out on kids; kids lack the coping mechanisms to handle it, the means to find a new place to live, and the maturity to understand that it’s the parents’ problem. This hurts even worse because kids crave love from their parents.

      Please don’t twist yourself into knots wondering if you are a “good enough” parent. Your kids are likely getting a lot of love and stability from you, which is what they need.

      • Anonymous

        This is kind of discouraging, actually, for parents who are worried that they are possibly exposing their kids to their own issues. Because everyone has issues, like it or not, and our children are all going to tell our therapists that we screwed them up and blame us for everything that goes wrong in their lives. I say this as someone whose parents were legitimately massive screw-ups and is told every day by my spouse and teenaged child that I am a terrible parent even though I am trying so hard.

        • Anon

          Yeah, abuse, neglect and addiction are rare but I sort of believe everyone puts their own issues on their kids. The extent of the parents’ issues and the degree to which they put it on the kids varies, but I don’t know many, if any, parents who don’t put ANY of their own crap on their kids. But I also think most people turn out to be happy well-adjusted, adults despite not having perfect parents.

          That said, if your SPOUSE is telling you you’re a terrible parent, please consider whether you’d be happier divorced and single parenting. That person sounds like a terrible partner. What’s the point of being married to your kids’ father if you’re not going to be a parenting team?

      • Anon

        I agree with this comment but coming from the perspective of someone who did have that love and stability growing up. My parents had issues, and I was pretty critical of some of these issues in my teens and early twenties, including in therapy. But I remember looking up my Adverse Childhood Event score, and it’s 0. This helped me understand that when researchers talk about the negative effects of difficult childhoods, they’re not talking about ordinary personal failings and flaws, and it helped me appreciate that my parents did meet my needs despite their issues.

      • Anon

        Maybe I should have explained better. My mother has struggled with her weight since her 20s, and she made it her personal mission to destroy any sense of confidence in my (slim, athletic) body. Constant attacks on my looks and figure, with the occasional compliment thrown in. Think of a drunk, sexist guy at a bar, negging women, sad that was my teenage years, 20s, and 30s.

        I could not imagine treating my kid that way: no amount of cruelty towards my own flesh and blood will make me younger, hotter, smarter, more successful, or anything but the mother of a child who, on some level, hates my guts.

    • eertmeert

      You will absolutely make parenting mistakes and your children will for sure have issues relating to their childhood growing up. That’s just being human. Protect them from physical, emotional and sexual abuse and the rest is deal-able. The best thing you can do it teach them resiliance and anti-fragility. A great way to do that is to model those behaviors yourself. So when you make a mistake, rebound and rebuild.

      I wonder if it could help if you forgave yourself for being human and not a perfection machine. From there you can release yourself from expectations of perfection and just deal in what is possible given the resources available. Also, tell yourself when you did a good job. I was at a coffee shop once and a mom was at the checkout with her kids. One of the boys bumped into the mom right as she was picking up a mug of boiling hot tea and some spilled on her hand. I watched her swallow her annoyance at the mistake and tell her boys kindly to move on over to their seats. I could tell how hard it was to not react strongly in that moment from the pain of the hot water and told her “that was really well done, that looked really painful” or something like that. Her face relaxed and I saw how much she appreciated the acknowledgement of her hard fought calm. You deserve that too, and if no one is around to notice you can notice for yourself. You are working so hard and probably not getting enough positive feedback, so tell yourself about how hard you are working and that you are doing your best and good job for extending yourself.

    • Anon

      I never met a person who didn’t have issues based on their parents. Just put some money aside as a gift for them to use for therapy when they’re older. Laugh about it.

  22. Anonymous

    Did I miss the Bad Art Friend discussion here? When was it? (if not — anyone else think it was crazy?)

    • Senior Attorney

      I don’t remember seeing a discussion here but it was CRAZY. Although I tend to agree with the side-eye about a well-known male writer being paid big bucks by the NY Times to write an article about two women feuding about a story that sold for, like, $425. And making both women look incredibly bad in the process.

      • Ses

        It’s interesting that this article (and situation) seems to be a bit of a blue dress/white dress situation. Except by picking a side we reveal ourselves to either favour white saviour narcissism or back-stabbing cruelty.
        I would find the neediness and moralising of DD to be very off-putting to deal with and could very well imagine it being kind of fun to mock it. But mocking others is also bad behaviour and SL should own that.

        • Ses

          Nest fail, meant to reply to the op.
          But upon further thought, the blue/white dress reference the article makes seems to be part of this distinctly male-writer perspective, to try to show the adversaries behaviour as just two bad ways to be certain types of women.

    • Anon

      Okay, I was going to ask!

      I don’t think not liking someone or being someone’s friend is unethical in any way, and SL did nothing wrong in that regard. If you subpoena somebody’s group chat and get your feelings hurt by it, that is so totally on you. The people calling her out for that are sooo disingenuous. Who hasn’t shared catty comments about somebody with their friends? Let those without group chats cast the first stones. Lifting DD’s letter verbatim is unethical, but SL did change it in subsequent drafts. I’m not a writer and can’t weigh in on whether the subsequent changes absolve her in any way. Finally, I do think there’s a racial aspect to DD’s whole crusade that’s subtle but present.

      DD was wrong from the very moment she created a FB group to celebrate herself. “Do writers not care about my kidney donation?” are you out of your mind?? Legal action against SL was way out of line and is just prolonging her own suffering. And she pitched this story herself! Like, stop, lady. Put this all behind you and move on. What a narcissist.

      • Anonymous

        Lifting DDs letter verbatim and letting it publish that way in the audible version is what she did wrong. DD went wrong when she started to call people to deny the other one work instead of letting the legal issue take its course. Everything else is just about two horrible women, one an insecure narcissist and the other a bit of a bully (although I don’t fault her for anything on the private chat). I also think the writer enjoyed painting both in the worst light.

    • PLB

      My theory is SL wrote a story making fun of DD as sort of an in-joke with the other writer group friends (that’s why she used the DD letter word for word, saying it was “too good” which I took as a the letter was a perfect example of DD’s crazy). It wasn’t supposed to be publicized widely but then SL realized/the other writers told her it had great potential for publication. At that point it was a runaway train so she took her chances and tried to assuage the situation by slightly changing the letter in the story.

      I would be annoyed if a friend took a part of my life and wrote about it and capitalized off it. But, it doesn’t seem SL and DD were really friends (some of the comments to the NYT piece had the best tea, including that SL had a history of ingratiating herself into friend groups and low key stalking…) On top of that, DD had seemingly talked about her story incessantly to any- and everyone who would listen so it isn’t like she wanted it to be private.

      It sounds like sour grapes. Basically DD didn’t get as much shine and admiration from the group as she thought she would from donating a kidney. Then this other woman had the nerve to use her story as inspiration which resulted in admiration and celebration.

      Also I believe the claims about DD being a low key stalker. I mean she confronted SL about her lack of commenting on the posts in the Facebook post. Who does that?!

      • Anon

        The most crazy part of the story, for me, was how much glowing praise and groveling the kidney donor expected – apparently in perpetuity – for donating the kidney. I know someone who did a bone marrow donation to a stranger (she had joined the registry when one of her relatives got sick, and got matched with a stranger years later) and another person who did a partial liver donation to a sick family member. Neither sought out tons of acclaim and warm fuzzies from people around them. They just did it, because they thought it was the right thing to do. There’s some really interesting stuff going on psychologically with someone who does an organ donation and then goes around saying to people “wow you haven’t said anything about my donation! You know that I donated a kidney, right? Isn’t that so great? Tell me how great I am for doing this!”

        Although I do agree with the “why does this escalate to the level of a NYT profile” question, especially re: voyeurism into a catfight. Also IMO, as the spouse of a published author, who has an agent and a publisher and everything, I have some side-eye for people who say they are writers, like that’s their profession, and yet they’ve never been published (as the kidney donor was not). My husband doesn’t identify himself as a writer by profession; he tells people he is a (day job descriptor) and then talks about his writing. So much going on with this story and I hope there’s more information coming.

        • PLB

          Apparently there’s a new book out that kind of mirrors this story that is also now profiled in the NYT. I suspect that’s why the SL v. DD profile was made.

        • Anonymous

          I think DD is absolutely bananas and desperate for attention. She is so far gone and the saddest thing apparently has no clue. Literally despicable. I’m fairness, the comparison of bone marrow isn’t the same. A major organ like that you are risking your life and signing on for some serious months of recovery and likely long term lifestyle adaptation. Still shouldn’t be demanding praise from strangers (or anyone) but it is a pretty deep level sacrifice. I know I couldn’t do it unless I felt I really had to. I bet if she weren’t forcing it on people the weird thing is she probably would have gotten the attention she wanted. I think we all can relate to “that” person though—it reminds me of marathon runners who want to bring their running into every discussion. Ick.

  23. Anon

    Fantastic, spent over an hour putting together an external training today that a social service group was in charge of publicizing to their client communities. 90 minutes before one of the agency’s staffers emailed me to cancel it, saying no one was going to come and canceled the invite . 15 minutes after that, his supervisor emails both of us to say, no, it’s not canceled. I emailed back and asked for confirmation it was back on, never got any, went to it and no one showed- not even their staff. Waited 15 minutes and left. So f-ing unprofessional, and such a waste of my time.

    • No Face

      That really sucks! Treat yourself to something fun tonight, whatever that means for you.

    • Anon

      This is extremely rude, in addition to being unprofessional. You deserve better treatment. Unless this is a situation where you cannot burn bridges, I would share this over the level of both the staffer and the supervisor, so that it is clear why you will not be providing your expertise to this group in the future. Kindest regards, very truly yours, goodbye.

    • Anon

      Unprofessional. Is it possible to get a cell number in the future, instead of email? texting is faster than email, and phone calls better than texting to avoid miscommunication

  24. Anon

    Just a gut check here: If you’re going to leave me to pursue a relationship with my neighbor, you need to tell me this when you breakup with me, right?

  25. CareerChoiceQ

    Hive, which scenario would you pick in terms of career choice? I have a baby and a toddler and am an in-house lawyer in a HCOL major metro area with a very long commute either way:
    1) Stay mid-level at current progressive, large employer where I have been a long time, make a very good salary (that keeps modestly growing at a steady clip) and have proven myself but have plateaued with no foreseeable advancement opportunities for several years. I have also been transferred to a new affiliate whose work I enjoy but is in a very pigeon-holed tangential industry that is not as easily transferable on the open market as my prior department’s work. We have been WFH throughout pandemic and will return to 3 in-office days per week next year indefinitely.
    2) Take new C-Suite job at a mom and pop size employer with a major salary increase (like 60%). Employer has a proven culture of integrity and long-tenured employees, but it has been expecting employees to come in for 2-3 days per week for some time and may or may not return to 4-5 days per week in the future (they can’t guarantee and don’t know future plans yet).

    • Anonymous

      #2 definitely for me. The 60% increase would make up for the commute and pay for extra help.
      But I am also not one who ever took the position that anyone required to come into the office after March 15 2020 is working for a murderer and should quit immediately out of principle.

    • Anon

      It depends on a lot of factors – do you feel like you really need more money/would it change your life at all? (I make far less than many here, but live in a LCOL area and don’t feel like a salary increase would change my life much.) Is the lack of advancement at your current employer bothering you? Do you want to lean out over the next few years ad spend a lot of time with your family or are you more interested in making sure you have a challenging, fulfilling job? For me it would be #1 no question – I think a job where you’ve proven yourself is invaluable when you have little kids, with all the disruption they cause – but many people feel differently and that’s fine too.

      • OP

        Thank you both so far. If it helps others offer more input, here’s more context:
        – I am definitely ambitious and have tried to get to a higher title or more visible roles internally but to no avail so far. My current manager (used to be a peer before transfer) has been hinting that if I knock a current project out of the park, higher ups will take notice and opportunity may come but it’s very evasive and non commital. It could be the break I was waiting for, or a big nothing burger with just a stated path to promotion in time to come.
        – I have a stay at home spouse and on demand family help with kids.
        – my salary will take me from very comfortable to “I made it” baller and while I’m on track to save and reach financial goals as is, this heightened salary would catapult us so much closer and faster, I’d be able to help my underemployed parents who are struggling a bit financially.
        – I am really scared of going back to commuting 5 days a week and not seeing my kids.
        – A colleague who has made a similar leap has proven himself at his new similar job and works less than I do now with fewer in office days and says I will likely enjoy same benefits once I prove myself at the new co. But there is no guarantee his experience will be replicated at this place I’d be joining. They could go dinosaur and have everyone back full time, butts in seats for all I know.

        • Anon

          Option 2, definitely. The commute is the only con and it’s not guaranteed to be terrible forever.

        • Anon

          2. And either the whole world goes back to 4-5 a week (unlikely) or new company keeps up with the times (more likely), but as someone in the c-suite, my voice has never been more powerful about how things should be and you can model a hybrid future. Also? Promotions are simply never the result of one project so ignore that false carrot at current company. No question option 2 is the right move.

    • Hollis

      Option 2. That kind of higher salary (and the responsibilities and title that go with that) will help position you to take other high salary positions in the future. You can outsource more things. Your kids will be fine. Plus, your current place doesn’t value you enough and I think you’ll grow resentful over time if you turn down an opportunity where you’d be more valued (at least on the $$ side).

    • Anon

      #2. Infant and toddler is an especially tough combination because both are needy but in different ways. It will get much easier in a year or two. Take the career opportunity.

    • Audreycat

      Option 2. You’ll regret not taking the risk and achieving your potential. I know it’s tempting to play it safe, but this is your moment to lean in. It will be hard, but you can do it!

    • Anon

      Definitely 2. I’m not a parent, but I’ve been in a similar place: caregiver for needy family, wanting to move up but emotionally addicted to the known status quo. I bit the bullet and moved on for a huge raise, and it was so worth it.

  26. Anon

    Adele question. Hello is a great belting it out song in the car (ditto Gotye’s Somebody I used to Know). What else of hers is that beltable when that applies to your heart? And similar songs by other artists? It is (sadly) time for some car music therapy on some long solo drives I have this weekend.

    • Anonymous

      Adele’s Rolling in the Deep; Maren Morris’s The Bones; anything by Daughtry, Staind, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, etc. Having come of age in the 90s-00s, YMMV :)

    • Anon

      Someone Like You! Hello is great but SLY is actually my favorite Adele song.
      Olivia Rodrigo’s entire album but especially Good 4 U and Deja Vu
      The Chicks’ most recent album especially Gaslighter and Sleep at Night (as in, “how do you…”), also their older stuff like Goodbye Earl
      Pretty much anything Taylor Swift has ever recorded but my favorites are All Too Well, Out of the Woods, Mr. Perfectly Fine, The Man, Mad Woman, I Knew You Were Trouble, We are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Tolerate It, Long Story Short
      Alanis entire Jagged Little Pill album, especially You Oughta Know and See Right Through You
      Most Miranda Lambert songs, especially White Liar, Ugly Lights, Kerosene, New Strings
      A lot of Ke$ha songs especially Backstabber
      Demi Lovato – Really Don’t Care
      Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
      Icona Pop – I Love It
      Kelly Clarkson – Stronger
      Rachel Platten – Fight Song
      Lizzo – Truth Hurts
      Patty Loveless – Blame it on Your Heart
      Hamilton soundtrack, especially Burn
      Toby Keith – How Do You Like Me Now (post-Trump I have quit listening to most white male country artists because I just can’t listen to redneck guys sing about their guns and trucks anymore, but I can’t quit this Toby song. Also Garth’s Friends in Low Places)

      • Walnut

        Not a beltable song, but Tim McGraw is staunchly and vocally democrat if you want to add him back in. Garth was also “unavailable” to play at the Trump inauguration, but played at Biden’s (and Obama, Bush, Clinton, perhaps earlier ones as well).

        • Anon

          Yeah I know Tim and Faith are Democrats. It’s not really about boycotting the singer (although I do think Toby Keith is a garbage human) but more just that the whole sound of bro-y country is off-putting to me in the post-Trump era. Like I know Brad Paisley is left-leaning and I don’t have any problems with him personally, but I’ve still soured on his songs post-2016. I just don’t really want to listen to a white guy sing about his trucks and NASCAR and hunting. Female country artists like Miranda Lambert don’t bother me the same way even when they mention the same things in their songs. I don’t know, it’s not super rational, that’s just how I feel.

          • Walnut

            Nothing wrong with that – you can rationalize that removing one type of artist makes room for another artist with a message that speaks to you in a different way.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so excited for the rest of the answers to this post!!
      first by Lauren Daigel if you are spirtual

    • Hollis

      Alone by Heart, We Belong by Pat Benatar, Girl on Fire by Alecia Keys, and anything by Kelly Clarkson and Pink.

    • Anonymous

      it is now Monday but I love this thread. I have nothing to add except that i love everyone’s suggestions

  27. Anonymous Canadian

    “When We Were Young” – Adele
    “Wish You Well” Tom Cochrane
    “Holding Back the Years” – Simply Red
    “Linger” – the Cranberries
    “Breakeven” – the Script
    “Bad Timing” – Blue Rodeo
    “Dancing with Tears in My Eyes” – Ultravox
    “Careless Whisper” – George Michael
    “Missing You” – John Waite
    “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” – Simple Minds

    On a more upbeat note:
    “Truth Hurts” Lizzo
    “Say Amen (Saturday Night)” – Panic at the Disco
    “What a Fool Believes” – Doobie Brothers
    “Work B*tch” – Britney
    “I Love It” – Icona Pop (featuring Charli XCX)
    “She’s so Mean” – Matchbox Twenty
    “Inner Ninja” – Classified (see also: “That Ain’t Classy”)
    “Superheroes” and “Hall of Fame” – The Script
    “Let it Go” – Idina Menzel (I know, I know, but trust me)
    Anything written or sung by Stan Rogers for a total game-changer

    I feel like I would like to have a side hustle curating driving playlists….

    • Wheels

      Love this list! Especially the Cranberries and Doobie Brothers. I used to borrow an older relative’s car and would crank her Doobie Brothers CD to sing along.

  28. Audreycat

    Thoughts on EMBA programs? I’m considering taking the plunge and going back to school. I’m a 33 year old compliance officer (non lawyer) for a health tech company and looking to enhance my resume as I look towards the c suite and moving out from under the chief legal officer and reporting directly to the ceo (something that will happen in the next 18-24 months, I was hired contingent on this reporting change once I put the compliance program into place and company goes public) . Should I aim for a top ten school (Duke, Wharton, etc.) or play it safe with a local option (in central Texas, so UT or Baylor)? My company *might* finance part of an Ivy League school but finances aren’t really a huge concern. The travel is. Im also planning on making a baby next year. Has anyone done one of these programs? Has anyone done one while pregnant/with kids? Does it make sense for me?

    • Coach Laura

      I didn’t go to an EMBA program but have a lot of exposure to them. If you are going to stay in Texas forever and travel is a concern, then go to Baylor or UT. If there is a chance you might ever move to the east coast, then Ivy League for sure. The travel portion might be a problem depending on how the travel timing is. I don’t remember (from prior reading on Duke and friends at Wharton) when their travel is – if it is scattered all through or only once or twice but that would be a good question to ask of Duke and Wharton etc., and how much flexibility you have in scheduling the travel.

      I did get my MBA while I worked with young kids and a 45+ hour work week plus 1-2 hours a day commuting. If your employer and your partner (assuming you have one) are supportive, then it is definitely doable. Most of the EMBA programs have cohorts, so if you wanted to take a semester off, you’d lose the cohort that you started with so that is something to ask about too.

      I believe that EMBA and mid-career MBAs are very effective for the reason you are doing it. Especially if the employer is supportive and pays all/part, it’s a good investment.

    • Anon

      Hmmm, what’s the difference between getting the executive version and a real one in terms of time? I’d favor a real degree as the executive one just seems like a fake credential that’s not all that useful. MBA programs are about the network – if you know where you’re planning to live long-term, I’d get a real MBA in an evening program at the best school to you locally.

      • Audreycat

        EMBA programs are for more established professionals who can’t quit their jobs for a full time program and don’t want a regular evening MBA. I’m a bit experienced (read: old) for the regular MBA curriculum, those are really for less tenured folks who need basic business skills on top of a bachelors and are matched to cohorts of similarly junior folks. These programs are the “evening option” for most people at my stage, although they take place actually on weekends. They aren’t fake, at least, I don’t think they are! They follow almost the same curriculum but in a more mature way, match with a more senior cohort, and are just as much work as the “regular” MBA.

    • Anonymous

      I think pretty highly of the Baylor EMBA program, for what it’s worth. I’m faculty at a non-Texas business school.

  29. Conservative Women

    A recent conversation here has piqued my interest in learning more about the conservatism among women. Does anyone have book recs that cover conservative women specifically? Someone recommended “Right Wing Women” but it’s very expensive on Amazon and not available at my library. I specifically want to understand the motivations and phenomenons that, for example, led to half of white women voting for Donald Trump. Racism outright or not seeing racism/misogyny as disqualifying characteristics for a president are obvious, but there have to be deeper factors that have led to this thinking. I like authors like Stephanie Coontz that provide historical context to our modern cultural expectations/norms. Thanks! Speaking of Stephanie Coontz, her books on the history of marriage will almost certainly lead you to reevaluate the institution and have been transformative for me.

    • PLB

      I’m not a white woman but I suspect they voted for Trump because their daddies or husbands told them to and/or because when it comes down to it, they chose the social and financial comforts the status quo provides for them over voting what’s best for everyone collectively.

      • Curious

        You missed priests in that list of men. They could quote a moral stance that this was how to get abortion outlawed. For some that was sincere. For some that was a convenient excuse to vote for someone they thought would also lower their taxes.

        • Of Counsel

          I realize this was probably unintentional (or you are using “priest” as shorthand for any religious leader) but this is unfair to Catholics. Catholics voted for Obama (both times) and the split between Clinton and Trump was so close that there is a dispute between different analysts as to who won. It was not white Catholics who overwhelming supported Trump. It was white Protestants.

      • anonchicago

        That’s a really simplistic take that only encourages people to take sides or hide their true feelings, which is part of what led to trump in the first place.

        I’m a white woman with an MBA. I didn’t vote for trump, but I know many people who did including educated women and immigrants. For many of them, it was a desire for lower taxes and less regulation, a desire to get the US out of foreign wars and providing foreign aid (which trump didn’t do, obvi), and yes a healthy dose of racism with immigrants from Asia and Europe being ok but those south of the border are not.

        • Cat

          I agree with this. This is exactly why my parents voted for him in 2016. I also didn’t vote for Trump but note the other part of the *2016* election in particular was a belief that Trump was playing up the extreme parts of his personality & views in order to attract more votes, the thought being that he would act more “presidential” in reality. The “Ivanka effect” if you will.

          Alas. Now, if you voted for him in 2020, that’s obviously no longer applicable.

      • Anon

        This isn’t accurate of the people I happen to know. The men seem pretty politically apathetic or have a lot of reservations, whereas the women are much more vocal and enthusiastic in their support for Trump and for women politicians like Marjorie Green and Lauren Boebert.

      • Anon

        White woman here. Nah. They’re just low key racists in my book. You know, the ones who pretend to be nice but really see everyone who looks different as a threat to their undeserved dominance? It’s not safety they’re seeking. It’s actual oppression masquerading as fear of change and nostalgia for “the good old days” when they had their own water fountains. Choosing comfort would be staying home and rubbing their husbands feet, since that’s what they claim to be about. Voting for Trump is a asking to roll back the clock and using the right other women fought hard for to try and take things from women and men still fighting for their slice of the dream.

    • Anonymous

      The left press does a really bad job of covering this, saying it’s all racism. It’s not, it’s that party affiliations are strong enough to carry a majority of voters on both sides of the aisle to vote for what seem to be objectively bad candidates.

    • Former Southerner

      I hesitate to suggest this because the author has become a parody of himself, but Hillbilly Elegy is probably the best book out there for understanding how Trump voters think. It is obviously not specific to women vs. men but describes about half my family.

      Also, I realize that people on this list tend to immediate ascribe being pro-life to being misogynistic but that is a huge issue, especially in the south. They have been indoctrinated since infancy to believe that abortion is murdering babies. (If you hav never been to the rural south, there are literally billboards on the side of the road: “You ask God why he doesn’t send someone to cure cancer and he replies; ‘I did. You aborted them.'”) The brainwashing on this issue is very real.

      • Anon

        Oh man I know what you’re taking about but that argument is so dumb. What if it was the pregnant woman who would have cured cancer but she never will because her life was derailed by an unplanned pregnancy? It’s not only unborn babies who might go on to do great things.

        • Former Southerner

          Oh believe me – every single time I see that sign outside my home town I mutter “I did. She got pregnant at 14 and had to drop out of high school while the 30 year old who got her pregnant faced no consequences.” There are reasons I don’t live there!!

      • Seventh Sister

        Agree. The abortion issue is a really huge deal and it starts really early. I remember driving past (in the early 90s) all the protestors who would hang out, rain or shine, with the big full-color bloody fetus photos in front of the one hospital in my rural-is area that performed abortions. I was a teen and they’d always have kids about my age out there waving the signs.

    • Seventh Sister

      Honestly, I can’t bring myself to ask my mom if she voted for Trump, but my dad loves the guy so she probably did vote for Trump. My mom doesn’t really follow the news or national politics, but she sort of absorbs what is going on from my dad and his incessant Fox News watching since they are both retired. Both are pro-choice and fine with “The Gays,” as they would say, but both are way into all of the various talking points about, “this guy is going to lower your taxes, let you keep your health insurance, and make sure Those People don’t get ahead.”

      What’s funny/sad to me is that both of my parents are HUGE recipients of government assistance in the form of VA loans that helped my grandparents become homeowners, well-funded public K-12 schools, land-grant colleges where they got professional degrees that led to a comfortable middle-class life, and one of them even worked for the government for 40 years! Yet we’d talk on the phone and it’s all Obamaphone this, those inner-city kids unfairly getting into elite colleges that, etc. I think they are mostly motivated by racism in politics, tbh.

    • Anon

      Read Jesus and John Wayne (yes it’s a book, and it will help you understand a bit more about conservative women and the evangelical’s push into politics as a whole).

  30. Lori L.

    Is anyone else not reaching for their jeans after the return to “hard pants?” I see them everywhere on social media–best blazers to wear with jeans, how to style jeans for date night. After a year in lockdown, on weekends the last thing I want to do is encase my thighs in denim! Have others returned to all-jeans-all- the-time on weekends?

    • Anon

      Not for lounging but for going out, yes. I’d moved away from slacks to jeans with blazers before the pandemic and plan to keep that up. Weekends are still either athleisure or dressing up to go out.

    • Cat

      No, I’m wearing jeans regularly again when I leave the house. (Honestly with the amount of stretch involved they’re barely more constrictive than leggings…)

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions