Weekend Open Thread
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
Do you ever find yourself spending way, way too long looking at different color options for lipsticks and glosses — reading reviews, looking at user-submitted pictures, etc. — especially when you definitely do NOT need more lip gloss?
Just me? OK then.
Anyway: a few weeks ago I somehow got sucked into the Amazon page for this Butter Gloss from NYX. I think it was perhaps suggested from something else I bought? People LOVED this gloss, and for under $7, I was definitely down to try it! Which color, though?
People seemed to really like the consistency and moisturizing power of the product, and a LOT of people said great things about the basic, clear gloss. So I considered that as a top layer for some of my more drying, stay-put formulas.
But one color kept coming up in the reviews, over and over: Tiramisu. Amazon described this as a “brown,” and I normally pass those up — I spent way too much time in the 90s wearing browns that did not suit me at all. But in every reviewer-submitted photo, it looked like a beautiful pinkish mauve.
As I often do, I put it in my cart but waited to pull the trigger — the next time I ordered from Amazon, I decided no, I really did NOT need a new lip gloss, so I moved it to the “Save for Later” section, where it sat for weeks and weeks.
Cut to yesterday, when I was trying to get my cart to $35 to get an ASAP delivery on something, and I decided, HEY, this lip gloss is the perfect price to add. So I did, and it arrived super quickly, along with the thing I actually needed.
Looooong story short, the NYX butter gloss really does live up to the hype — and the Tiramisu color is perfect. On me it's a pale pink, not quite as dark as the swatch shown here but definitely in the same family — no brown detected.
(Some of the pictures on Amazon, like the collage of three women wearing the product, look way more rosy saturated PINK than how it looks on me — and I have very pale skin, with relatively pale lips, so I feel like the base color of lipstick shines through a lot more than it might on other people with darker lips.)
The end result is a shiny gloss, but not one that's overly sticky — I wouldn't be worried about wearing it with long hair on a windy day. It feels moisturizing, not drying… and I already think it's going to be one of my favorite colors.
You can find the NYX Butter Gloss for around $6 at Amazon, Ulta (buy 2 get 1 free), and Target. (The product has 106,000+ good reviews at Amazon, 7000+ good reviews at Ulta, and 5600+ good reviews at Target.)
As of 2025, these are some of our favorite MLBB tints (“my lips but better”) — a super easy office makeup look! Also check out this $20 option from Amazon; it's a great Dior Addict Lip Glow dupe. Other recent favorites, both very affordable: this NYX gloss, and this Peripera glowy tint. (Burt's Bees lip tint balm in Red Dahlia or shimmer in Fig are both great, too!)
Sales of note for 3/21/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
- Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
- J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
- M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns
There is a shrieking/baby in my office today and I’m finding it hard to concentrate. It’s at least once a week that this happens (I think it’s the same parent each time). What is the office etiquette for this? Am I a grinch for thinking crying babies shouldn’t be in the office (or should be taken outside if they’re crying)? I don’t know who I could broach this with without sounding anti-family or anti-inclusive workplace. Ugh.
I’m confused – a parent brings their baby to the office for the day? Like, not just to say hi and show your colleagues? That’s nuts to me (and I’m a parent to a young child!) Does your office have an official family friendly policy? I would discreetly approach HR and just say you are finding it hard to focus when babies cry in the office and ask if there is a quiet place you can go to or other accomodations (WFH?) (without naming anyone specific). I think that’s a fair point.
I agree. Having a baby there consistently seems really unusual. That’s not my understanding of family friendly policies.
No, that isn’t okay. I think most parents would agree that bringing a crying baby to the office isn’t conducive to others getting their work done.
that’s bananas. i’m a parent and would find that annoying af. agree with above – go to HR about how it’s distracting. even if there is a policy in place permitting this, it seems super reasonable to flag that maybe this is the time to revisit that policy and make some adjustments so there isn’t severe disruption.
Personally I’d go to HR about this, it’s completely unreasonable to disrupt an office with a shrieking baby. People are at work to….WORK.
No it’s totally fine to say something. Especially if it’s every Friday. People need to have childcare. I say this as a parent.
A few years back my office hired a new employee who brought her kids in a lot. I’d go into the break room and there would be a random unattended kid sitting there. I was like “where’s your mom?” and she’d be way across the office in her workspace. Turns out she never bothered to get childcare. So she wasn’t just bringing her kids in “a lot” – she was bringing them in every day!
She worked there for three months before she got fired. I mostly felt bad for the kids.
Thanks Kat, you’ve influenced me to try this even though I normally prefer lipsticks to glosses.
I wonder if this is the new Clinique Black Honey semi-lipstick.
it’s definitely stickier than the Clinique Black Honey – I also find that one to definitely have more of a reddish plum compared to the light pink of this NYX one.
For me, black honey forevah!
I have this gloss and it’s…fine. Nothing to write home about. It’s just something cheap I can apply without a mirror and the Tiramisu color works with my complexion (dark winter, leaning toward neutral). It’s better than bare lips but it doesn’t brighten up my face the way Black Honey or any of the Dior Addict glosses do.
I like the Tiramisu as well, and I’m wearing the Red Velvet color today. I don’t find them super sticky, but they don’t have a ton of staying power. But yeah not the same as Black Honey.
Leadership at my organization thinks the occasional retreat and team lunch are a panacea for low morale and an obvious lack of engagement during meetings/events and there is pressure to have “fun” events at our next retreat this fall. I am on the planning committee for team events (I was voluntold to join but I digress). I have seen posts about how much people dislike games and ice breakers (including yesterday’s post) and I am not a fan of a lot of the ice breakers I have done either. I have not enjoyed our prior retreats and want to come up with at least one idea for a session that may be somewhat fun.
Are there any types of activities you have enjoyed at a retreat or team event? Our retreat is an all-day event (it is indoors and outdoor activities are not an option).
I hate icebreakers but enjoy doing something with people where you can interact but aren’t forced to make small talk. An escape room is a good example.
But please don’t make an escape room a required activity. It tweaks every one of my anxieties, and I am not particularly anxious.
fwiw, I didn’t mean you’re literally locked in a room and unable to get out like in some commercial escape rooms, but the idea of working together to solve puzzles and beat a clock to “escape” is (to me, anyway!) a lot more fun than icebreakers or forced small talk.
The thought of doing an escape room with one of the pedantic d*cks at my office is literally my worst nightmare.
I agree that a real escape room isn’t a great mandatory team building exercise, however you can get escape room challenges that are team building and set them up in a room. That way you get the puzzles/challenges/working together without the actual “locked” room.
submit a baby picture and people match up the adult to the tot – this leads to fun conversations about the story behind the picture, growing up in different eras, etc.
This can really other immigrants, refugees, and people of lower economic status who might not have baby photos.
Yeaaa I hate this one. My org is like 95% white except for a couple POC, so we’re matched immediately based on ethnicity and then everyone spends time talking and laughing about who is who among the various white people. Might work if you have a more diverse organization, but definitely othering if you have only a few POC.
And adoptees/people out of the foster system.
Or people like me: rich, dysfunctional, abusive family. Throwing away my baby photos was done to remind me that my identity is under their control.
Also, I hate thinking about my childhood, especially at work. PTSD is real, yo.
valid concerns, but it sounds like the OP knows her team and this is just relocated “forced fun” as opposed to a group of strangers.
Honestly, even as a upper middle class white person, I don’t personally have a single baby photo. My parents have plenty, but I’d be a little annoyed at having to figure out how to get my not especially tech savvy parents to send me a photo, just for an office ice breaker activity.
Haha same!
Mine just took a photo of the photo with their camera and texted it to me. Wasn’t a super high level of sophistication.
Exactly the same thing I was thinking.
Fun until you’re the only person of color.
And double fun you can tell who is really old by the quality of the photo. Yay! Way to feel different on two levels!
I’ve seen the baby picture thing go off fine without the trauma others are describing. Know your office.
Was there really no trauma or do the people you work with not feel safe enough to speak up?
This
If everyone in the office participated with smiles on their faces and all provided photos with no reports of difficulties, I’m not inclined to believe that they were suffering secret trauma. It’s ok to take “haha, that was so fun!” at face value. We are a small company (23 people), close knit, and about 1/4 POC. Three internationals employees.
I mean, “trauma” is probably an overstatement but I’ve definitely said “haha so fun!” in situations in which I was deeply, deeply uncomfortable.
Concur with anon 6:17. I have laughed, said “fun,”and put on my “carefree face” for this exact activity. It was fine and I gritted through the 15-20sec of attention. While there was no resulting trauma… I would have preferred to not share my baby photo in the first place.
-WOC who grew up poor now working in a mostly white, very high-brow workplace. I was embarrassed more by the poor quality of my late-1980’s photo than by being one of the few POC’s. Colleagues’ photos were crisp images of fancy summer vacations from the same era.
My team does “desert island” ice breakers at meetings – the album you would bring to a desert island, the TV show, etc. It always leads to fun discussion.
I would like this!
Ugh I’m sorry but like 50% of the dudes I know are so proprietary and condescending about music, I think this would be a disaster. Like say you, a woman, say you would bring a Nirvana album. Then they’d have to challenge you about why that album and are you familiar with Cobain’s X era and the superior Y release on vinyl…. etc . I think the word I’m looking for is gatekeeping.
Give each person a budget to go have drinks so they can commiserate and be honest about the org
Haha yes this. I was going to say “upgrade the free food at the event.”
Every photo scavenger hunt I’ve participated in has gone well, though you said this is indoors so not sure it will work for your needs. My former CLO had us take photos and do a meme contest at our legal conference that was really fun but it has to be the right group of people with a good sense of humor that aren’t going to put a negative tone on things. I have done 2 truths and a lie so many times, I think it’s overdone.
Recent “fun” events at our retreats that went over well were a casino event with poker/black jack and fake money, a puzzle challenge (competing in teams to solve a variety of riddles), and a scavenger hunt around the city. Also, just letting people leave the premises to get lunch in small groups or do some sort of close by tourist activity.
Yes to the local tourist activity. My organization went to a local historic site with guided tour and it was great!
A few ideas:
Admittedly I’m very biased towards this, but I would love a desk chair yoga session taught by a yoga teacher you brought in. This can be pretty inclusive too, considering it would be geared around chair yoga. You’d want to do some homework making sure the teacher had a good energy and inclusive attitude, but that shouldn’t be too hard to find. There are some yoga teachers who actually focus on corporate settings.
If the weather is good (so hard to plan on) and location works for it, I also would like an outdoor nature walk as long as I was told in advance and had appropriate footwear. I would LOVE to get outdoors during some part of an indoor conference center retreat event.
Depending on the size of the group and if you have a budget, a yankee swap gift exchange where the company supplies all the gifts and they’re actually cool things that people may want. Have at least a couple of funny things.
Chair yoga actually sounds great.
I would love an actually fun activity, like archery or something. You could include a seated option (maybe with food and drink) for anyone who can’t participate in something active.
We did bowling recently as a team building and fundraiser for our office scholarship. Something like $20 to attend + $10 for the bumpers + $10 for something else optional. Including free bowling alley food + 1 or 2 drinks I can’t remember. It was fun to sit around and complain about work during work
Yay for profit consulting
I am sorry to be a curmudgeon. I’ve done a lot of these offsites/retreats. There were always icebreakers and I remember very few of them favorable, or even remember at all.
I do remember one hosted by some sort of “team building consulting firm” and there was an invisible maze and I remember that one. There was a dot grid on the floor. Our group was divided into teams, and we couldn’t talk to our teammates. One person would start through the “maze” and a facilitator would tell them when they hit a wall. Then the other team would send someone in to try to complete the maze.
Basically you wanted one of your teammates to be the first to complete the maze. You had to remember where the invisible walls were.
I found something on Google about invisible maze teambuilding so I’m sure you could look it up. Not being able to talk to your teammates but trying to huddle and communicate with gestures is something I remember about it. I like challenging puzzles so that may be why I liked it.
It led to a lot of conversation once it was over above it what people had been thinking during the contest, or what their strategy was. I still think that member one of my teammates, whom I hadn’t worked with before. So I guess that was effective.
https://www2.envisionexperience.com/~/media/files/envisionemi/mentors/secret-path-teambuilder.pdf?la=en
comment in m0d but this. I remember this, and it was fun.
In our version, I think we had teams of 4-5 people, teams took turns sending a member into the invisible maze. We could watch the other team and try to get clues from their experience, and no one could talk to each other. It was really interesting and challenging.
With the pretense that all team building is inherently….less fun….our office rented out a commercial kitchen and did a cooking lesson/competition. Groups were formed in advance and were, IMHO, designed to mix people from all areas of the company. I was a junior analyst on a team with the CTO and a sales rep and someone from HR. We were just people together trying to make the best cake. It was really nice. I was valued for my baking skills, and we relied heavily on the CTO for the decorating- dude was amazing and had probably been a cake decorator in a past life.
Then, they had the company that ran the activity cook a full on meal for us and it was delicious!
There was absolutely no work talk which was my favorite part. I also got to learn a lot about my team as people and I still remember this event and the people I was teamed up with 15+ years later.
Cookie decorating is another fun thing along the same lines.
Our company is really big on giving back to the community, so they brought in an organization called Rise Against Hunger for a couple of hours to package meals to send to communities in need.
It was actually amazing! Rise Against Hunger has dialed in their operations and vibes. They play fun music, there’s a gong that participants can ring for hitting certain milestones (I think it was either 1,000 meals or 5,000 meals packed), and they’ve made it super simple such that you can have conversations.
Highly recommend this activity, people were grooving to the music, chatting with each other, and then cheering each time someone hit the gong, and bonus points for doing something good for the world!
I have done this or similar and it was great.
I have done this and it’s great. Bonus points if you assign teams strategically so people from different levels or departments have to work together. I found the gong to be very jarring, though.
I’m not watching the Trump trial circus that closely. Headlines on nightly news are the extent of what I care about or can stand to expel energy on for the foreseeable future. But I have to say – if I see one more piece about “what we know about the jurors” and then attempts to circumstantially identify them I’m going to lose it. I cannot FATHOM having my identity discovered if I’m seated on that jury. I really shouldn’t expect any better from the media, and I suppose the identities of the jurors is “newsworthy” because of public interest, but my god. I feel like they’re all at legitimate personal bodily risk if their IDs get out. Theirs and their families. It’s insanely irresponsible. End rant.
Given that someone just set himself on fire outside the courthouse, for whatever reason – yes, there are very real security concerns here
Apparently he is some conspiracy nut. Getting pretty sick of men’s theatrics and viollence for Trump.
This man is mentally unwell. If we are going to care about mental health we cannot be selective.
Most mentally unwell people do not harm others like 45 did and does. (They are far more likely to harm themselves)
The reporting on TV was that this self-immolating was not directly related to the trial, but that the guy set himself on fire to get attention for his cause (whatever that was), knowing that a lot of news media reporters were downtown covering the trial, so he likely felt he also would get coverage for his actions. I hope he survived.
I saw that there were lawyers and I was really surprised at that. How honest do you have to be on a questionnaire? Like you can’t lie, but I am a CPA at a firm, I might be tempted to put housewife as a profession (like I am that also). Or “small business owner,” which is not false. I mean, if they don’t ask, you don’t need to volunteer. I don’t get a W-2, so not technically an employee anywhere. By profession, do they mean training? In which case, I have a BA in history and would write that in (also not false). Or just mention the various criminals in my family and law enforcement in my family and let them strike me for cause? We go both ways.
Being a lawyer does not exclude you from a jury. Jurors don’t have to be a blank slate. They just have to be people who can judge the defendant fairly, based on the evidence at trial and the law. Having criminals in your family, or having law enforcement, or being a lawyer – none of this is grounds to be struck for cause.
It depends on the state, I think. Lawyers and even judges can serve on juries in my state but I’m pretty sure there are states where they can’t.
In Virginia, attorneys are permitted to disqualify themselves by law, but also are permitted to remain eligible by affirmatively volunteering on the general jury inquiry questionnaire that is mailed out from time to time. Having criminals in your family, or haing law enforcement, or being a lawyer may not be grounds to be struck for cause, but very often one side or the other will use a peremptory strike on someone who reports these aspects of their personal lives, so it is rare to seat a lawyer on a jury in many locales.
If you’re a CPA and you put housewife that is obviously lying. What a nonsense post.
If you are a CPA at a firm and you put “housewife” as your profession on a juror questionnaire, you are lying. Remember you swear to tell “the truth, THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but the truth.”
Do jurors swear that? I thought that was for witnesses?
It’s the same oath for testifying under, uh, oath. When jurors answer the voir dire questions, they do so under oath.
I think lying about being a lawyer on your jury questionnaire particularly with the intent to hide that information so you could get seated on a particular jury would get you a date with the ethics committee and risk your license. I find it bizarre that a cpa could do likewise without licensing ramifications.
I think before that it would get you sanctioned by the judge. The suggestion that it would not be discovered because the poster’s obfuscation is so clever as to outsmart the daft judge and lawyers is absurd.
I don’t understand the question – is it that you’re surprised lawyers are allowed to be on the jury or concerned that having that identifying information out there would “out” them IRL?
In any case, lawyers, doctors and other professionals used to be excused in NY, but a long while back our former chief judge got rid of all those exemptions to have more representative juries. It’s universally lauded as a great decision by her (though she used to complain no one ever wanted her to serve on their jury).
one juror already was excused because she said there had been too much identifying information (oncology nurse) — the judge said he’s going to redact the previous voir dire and other testimony so previous/current employers and other identifying details are taken out.
Journalists are so f’ing dumb with anything Trump related it kills me.
I agree. It’s so easy to find people and some disgruntled a-hole could figure out that his cousin’s sister’s coworker’s husband is on the jury and mention it to some even more disgruntled a-hole who has a whole bunch of weapons in his basement.
I don’t know how impartial a jury they are going to get if all the normal decent people are terrified of being identified and truthfully say that they can’t be impartial for that reason.
Hired last Fall and told I was chosen due to my extensive background, love of learning, and willingness to upgrade things. Now I’m finding out that they see any mention of my background as being “self-important” (even when someone else brings it up as I never do), they refuse to fund or write a letter of support for conferences or trainings (letter is required to apply), and they tell me I can either not upgrade anything and just fix things as they break (client experience be damned) or I can do the hundreds of hours of work (which require a master’s degree in the field to know how to do) fully unpaid and call it “service to profession.” It’s not just my direct boss, it’s all the way up.
I’m also finding out my grandboss holds grudges against people he dislikes and finds ways to force them out. Over 2 dozen people gone in the past few years, according to an ally on her way out after over a decade. Anyone with any chutzpah or voice gets downsized or made miserable til they leave. I’ve lost 2 allies in the past 6 months.
Took me almost a decade to find a fulltime role in this field and I’m not only struggling with going along to get along as the clients suffer from lesser but also with the deep disappointment in my heart because I’d been so excited and hopeful and it feels like they are determined to beat the care out of me.
Any commiseration, advice, etc. would be so appreciated. I feel so alone and so sad about this.
I need introductory context. What field are we talking about? I thought you’d be talking about public sector since there’s no budget for conferences, but you’re talking about “clients.” Lost!
I’m assuming either business with clients or higher ed and they are using general wording?
oof, any time someone new is brought on with the goal of bringing their background to change or upgrade things, it is going to be a rough go even if leadership is supportive. Even if you’re just trying to do what you were hired to do with great humility, the nature of the role is off-putting to people who have been doing it the Old Way Just Fine and We Tried That and It Didn’t Work Five Years Ago. My sympathies!
I agree with this. My old company hired a very experienced guy, but his experience wasn’t in what we actually did. They just thought he was a good hire & could learn. I like to think most of us on the team were relatively open to new ideas, but he seemed to think his mission was to break everything & start from scratch, which was very demoralizing for the people who had put all of their blood, sweat, and tears into creating the current processes (on very few resources, I should add.) He didn’t get buy in from the existing team. None of us reported to him but he acted like we did. It was very hard to try to adapt to. And it turns out our boss and his boss really didn’t want him to break things after all.
So, OP, regardless of what they told you in the interview and hiring process, find out what your mission really is now that you’re an employee and not a prospect.
Putting together the “it took a decade to get a full time job in the field” and that the place you finally got one seems like suboptimal conditions with high turnover, is this some highly-competitive-underpaid-but-prestigious-passion-field, like filmmaking or something?
It sounds to me more like you were hired for qualities that go with the things you list and not for those precise, exact things. There really is nothing more irritating than someone who constantly references how their last employer handled things. It sounds like they wanted some fresh energy and someone flexible. I’d spend more time trying to get acclimated to the new place and stop thinking about what you were told during the interview process. Hiring is a hunch not a mandate.
I’m finding myself in a similar situation. I was (told I was) hired to improve efficiency in a very specific field that I know a lot about. From the start, it was pretty clear what changes could be made to get there. I wrote several white papers and created powerpoints and preseted them to leadership. It seemed like a no-brainer. The changes would cost some money but less than hiring one FTE, and the savings would cover the initial cost five times over. First I got nothing, zero, silence, then after pushing for a decision I got essentially hostile feedback. They were only open to changes if these were routed through their inept “competency center” and cost zero money. As far as I can tell, the center is there to prevent change (it’s run by a crusty guy with no IT background who is magically in charge of all process including IT and ET, meaning nothing ever gets done and the vast majority of his projects fail for lack of user input and testing, and therefore for poor exectution). Due to some heat from failed projects, the cumudgeon would be willing to sign off on the changes if I came with a fully tested and functional product that cost zero money. So basically if I put in the hours for free… you get the idea. Sounds very similar to you.
What am I doing now? Not beating my head against the wall. They don’t want me and my fancy expertise. Maybe they wanted me as a DEI hire, who knows. I’ve picked some achievable goals on a much smaller scale than originally advertised and slowly working my way through those. I’m talking documenting existing systems, updating small parts where I can, ensuring they are metricked, followed, and flow through. I guess it’s working – I have been given more people to manage. If I can get enough people and they all support me and my proposed changes, I might eventually make it happen. But I’m also very much looking for a new job because this plan could take decades.
I don’t have depression, but I feel “blah” lately, I am not jazzed about my career or relationship. I have been in a routine rut at work so I think that’s part of it. Any little ways to try something new? Reading and TV aren’t doing it for me. Free or inexpensive preferred!
Take a bus to a part of the city you don’t usually go to and wander around – try a new restaurant, hang out in a new park, window shop. Don’t use your phone at all (no yelp reviews; if you’re up for it don’t even use maps).
I know this may be a trite suggestion, but an outdoor fitness challenge always get me going. This spring I’m doing couch to 5k again (I stop running in the winter when it’s cold) and taking a little time to drive to my favorite riverside path instead of just running around the block. More time in nature is generally the answer for me.
same, girl — i’m leaning into a new hobby and wondering if i need to pick up something else.
Put a bunch of slips of paper in a jar and pull one out every day with a different task. Most of them are easy, short & usually low cost or free, but has put a lot of self-care variety in my life. I’ve been doing this for about 6 months now. No single one of them is a huge deal, but in aggregate is made my life so much less routine!
Here are a bunch of the more general things I have in rotation:
– Go to the library
– Talk to a stranger
– Watch the sunset
– Cuddle my dogs
– Walk the dog
– Put phone on airplane mode for 1 hour
– Sit by the fire/fireplace
– Go for a hike
– Try a new recipe
– Buy myself flowers
– Plan my next vacation
– Doodle
– Enjoy a glass of wine
– Read
– Sign up for a new class
– Video call a friend
– Text a friend
– Do a Wordle
– Create a vision board
– Make plans with a friend
– Go for a bike ride/Peloton ride
– Paint my nails
– Do a level on Duolingo
– Visit a beach / park
– Go to a coffeeshop that I’ve never been to before
– Try a new workout
This is a fun idea! You could also ask a friend to write the slips of paper for you so that you get the benefit of their ideas and it will be a surprise each time!
Love this list! Just bought myself flowers last week when I was feeling blah. it’s been giving me joy all week. :)
Unsolicited fashion recommendation – I recently purchased the Linen Cotton Tapered Pants from Uniqlo. I got the cream with gray stripe which doesn’t seem to be available online for some reason, but it’s got a nice summer vibe and other colors looked nice too. Anyway, they are a big success so far. As someone who has been reluctant to move to a wider leg, I find them really easy to wear, comfortable, and I think they look more expensive than the $49 I paid for them. They were a bit long on me but I just rolled the cuff up a bit. I’m a size 8 and I got a large, but it fits pretty roomy so I maybe could have gotten a medium for a slimer fit.
I’m a huge fan of their Airism dresses, especially the midi length one. Can be dressed up or down, simple but versatile. The white makes a good courthouse wedding dress, the black can go from funeral to dinner date. Wear them to work or out on errands. They’re light and comfortable and somehow defines my waist without constricting my middle aged tummy. They’re long enough that you can hem them however long to suit your preference, if midi isn’t your thing.
I need a Lilly Pulitzer (or stylistically adjacent) lavender / green twin bedding set to replace beloved items lost to a kid’s stomach bug. Pottery Barn is running too pink. Any leads?
No time to actually research but take a look at Anthropologie, Annie Selke, the Company Store?
Take a look at the Target/DVF collection – there was some really cute stuff in there for bedding if you’re OK with Target quality!
West Elm?
We’ve been very happy with our Crate Kids sheets. the colors are more muted than LP but much less pink than PB.
Land’s End sometimes has nice florals for sheets, and their sheets are generally really nice quality.
Was the Pottery Barn Teen Lilly Pulitzer “Dandy Lion” pattern rejected? It’s just blues and greens. And there is a “Pineapple Party” set that is mainly blues with just a hint of pink.
Kid strongly wants to replace purple with purple. Le sigh.
Sorry – total reading fail! Is any part of the current sheet set salvageable, and if so would it mix nicely with purple and white gingham sheets from The Comapny Store?
Look at Garnet Hill and Company Store.
Is this the vibe? https://www.thecompanystore.com/company-kids-lilahs-floral-sheet-set/30383L.html?dwvar_30383L_color=PINK%20MULTI&dwvar_30383L_size=TWIN&cgid=man-kidsbaby-type-bedding-sheetsets
+1 to Garnet Hill
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1095184160/lilac-comforter-queen-king-twin-size?
Print fresh?
https://printfresh.com/collections/home-collection
If you want to supplement with solid color sheets, LL Bean has a Lilac color set that looks really nice.
I just switched to their sheets & have been very happy with them.
PB Kids has a LoveShackFancy set that is lavender with a little aqua and pink. It worked perfectly in my kid’s room with lavender walls and aqua accents.
If you know what it was called, I’d look on eBay or poshmark, you might find it new and discounted.
Has anyone here taken a leave of absence or short term disability for work-related burnout and, if so, what was the admin process like?
I’ve been out of it since late 2020 and white knuckling it since, and just cannot. I may need to find a different job, but don’t have the energy for a search or to spend time thinking about work. I need a break.
I’m in consulting and know a few people who have taken leaves, but not close enough to ask them about their experience. I know more people who have quit and taken a 6 to 12 month break.
Sort of, yeah. I took two weeks leave for mental health in early 2021. I’d been struggling with anxiety and bad insomnia the whole pandemic, which was mostly driven by the burnout that happened during the six months I had to work with no childcare. It all came to a head in February 2021 and I didn’t sleep for a few days straight and really couldn’t function, so there was no way I could keep working. I didn’t really go into any details with my boss or colleagues – just said I had a non-life threatening health issue and needed to take some time off beginning pretty much immediately. My doctor was supportive of me taking two weeks and filled out FMLA paperwork that went to HR and I think there was some detail on that but (theoretically, at least) your boss shouldn’t see what goes to HR. Work stress was a huge source of my sleeping problems, so going out on leave helped me sleep pretty much immediately, and during the leave I got a new medicine and some behavioral management techniques that made things manageable when I went back to work.
Of course, FMLA won’t cover you beyond 12 weeks and I imagine in many places it would be hard to justify even that much for burnout.
In 2011, when I was a miserable sixth year associate at BigLaw, I had become almost non-functional. I’d never been depressed or had other mental health concerns (and I haven’t since leaving the job either). I talked to my HR department about taking a medical leave, and I started my leave the following day. I got 12 paid weeks of disability, which I think fell under FMLA. I had to have a psychiatrist complete the paperwork to show the necessity of the leave. I took about 2 weeks to completely decompress, start meds, and start therapy. While continuing the meds and therapy, I started job hunting hard. And I was fortunate enough to find a new job that started about 4 months later. I took the full 12 weeks of paid leave, returned and gave notice in my job, took a month off without pay, and then started my new job. I wasn’t the first or the last person in my group at the law firm to do this, so I knew I could.
Yes, I know a couple people who have done this (N.B.: not in consulting). They are doing great now. Use the wording from 2:50 – call it a medical issue – and do the FMLA paperwork. Careers are long – take care of yourself.
Hi – FMLA is unpaid. You may want to look into STD or LTD – what your company covers and what your state covers. You can speak with a doctor, but “burnout” in and of itself is not a recognized medical condition by most insurance–you need to have something else with it usually, such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc.
Speak with your Company’s EAP (which is totally anonymous) before you speak with your doctors or HR. HR is not always your friend here.
I highly recommend the book Burnout by Nagoski. It details the pyschological state, and what kinds of rest you need to recharge.
Hope you hang in there and get the help you need.
Anxiety med stories? Drs tried to put me on wellbutrin but it amped up my anxiety and my insomnia. They told me to go off and that I’m better with nothing or just using beta blockers as needed but my anxiety whirs in my brain often and my social anxiety is problematic. I was once on xanax for 7 weeks and loved it but had to keep increasing the dose and my anxiety would go nutty when I’d get close to the end of a prescription so that doesn’t seem like a fit for me. I don’t know if this is a forever thing and hate the idea of committing to something I can never go off without brain zaps or the like.
In my case, after multiple drs, it seems like my ability to be high-functioning causes them to think I’m fine without the help, but I’d rather my life be better than “fine.” Thinking maybe if I bring my own research and suggestion, they’ll consider letting me at least try.
Wellbutrin is good for depression, less for anxiety. Have you tried lexapro (magic) or Buspirone (less magic, but effective in some cases)?
+1 – Wellbutrin is a weird first choice to try for anxiety; was there some reason they picked it? Just about any SSRI (Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil) would be more obvious, and all have been helpful to me in treating anxiety. Xanax and similar benzodiazepines have a high potential for abuse, so they are better for emergency use than daily use.
I can tolerate Wellbutrin but I’m only at 300 XR — but I had heard that Wellbutrin was best used in conjunction with other drugs. My (non-suicidal AFAIK) uncle killed himself shortly after being prescribed Prozac — which doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone, but since I have the same blood I’m going to tread very cautiously with that.
Two things you may want to consider, spoken as a mother to a child with high anxiety — a) look into Genesight which can say which classes of drugs will work best for you; you have to go through a doctor and it’s around $300 OOP I think. b) I don’t know if hydroxyzine is for adults but maybe ask about that – it was described to me as being like Benadryl for the brain; it’s made the biggest impact on his anxiety that we’ve seen.
Something else to consider – looking into how high-anxiety ND people live in general, with weighted blankets, visual schedules, etc.
I’m the anon at 3:20 below. Everyone, please save your money on GeneSight. The science just isn’t there. My psychiatrist said it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on, so you’re just lighting money on fire. (Said to a woman who had bought one anyways out of desperation.)
I don’t have anxiety, but I have chronic m*graine. Over the last few decades my doctors have thrown all kinds of meds at me and I’m way too familiar with the side effects of everything. I can say that wellbutrin did make me slightly more anxious than normal, and this is a well known side effect. I hated beta blockers and they made my heart rate increase dramatically as a weird rebound effect when I stopped taking them, though if you only take them sometimes instead of every day, it might not be as bad. Why not just take a SSRI, which are the normal meds for anxiety? Pretty much any other antidepressant should work better than Wellbutrin for anxiety.
I should add, I actually really liked wellbutrin for dealing with the fatigue that goes along with chronic pain. It didn’t do anything for the pain itself, but the increase in energy made life a little more manageable and it was worth some anxiety until better drugs came along. It was exactly the opposite of my experience with lexapro, which also didn’t help with pain, but made me want to sleep 12 hours a day. For someone with issues with anxiety and insomnia, lexapro or another SSRI would definitely be a better fit.
Um no. Just no to all that. Keep looking for a doc that hears you. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to a doc. If you’re in the DMV, I have the greatest medication psychiatrist known to man. He’s a gift. (That brings up a good point – you may need a medication psychiatrist, not just a GP.)
Wellbutrin is a good depression drug and is specifically prescribed to people who are feeling particularly sluggish because it has “upper” qualities…that yeah, would totally amplify anxiety!
+1. It’s so odd to me that your doc tried one single med and then gave up – there are dozens of options. The testing-out process is really cruddy, but it’s worth it to find what works for you. I hope you feel better soon!
Would you be willing to share the name of your doc? Randomemail7607@gmail.com
Is this after the 6-8 week Wellbutrin ramp up period? (Because it can worsen anxiety for two months and then everything can calm down after. But if it’s already been months, yeah that’s probably just what it’s doing.)
Anxiety can be a symptom of various medical conditions that doctors aren’t always awesome at looking into; that’s what it ended up being for me.
I’m on the lowest dose of citalopram for anxiety. I can’t say it’s life changing, but it certainly makes my life easier. I don’t plan on ever having to go without it.
Lexapro worked really well for my anxiety. It definitely stopped the physical symptoms, and a lot of the racing of the mind. However, I found that it also made me really unmotivated and lazy, and it was hard to keep up with my demanding job. I have dropped down to a really low dose that is probably not working because the anxiety is back. But maybe it’s working a little bit because I’m functioning and sleeping reasonably well. I would go back on a higher dose if things got really bad. (I really needed it for a year of postpartum anxiety.)
Effexor XR is the best one I’ve found. Tried citalopram, lexapro, and paxil. All eventually stopped working, My doctor says anxiety people may need higher doses of Effexor XR, which I have found to be true.
How are your side effects with effexor?
I had the same response, but on low-dose Lexapro. I had better response when I was consistently on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (not traditional CBT) + iron pills and B12 injections, oddly.
I don’t think that’s odd. But it’s odd if they stopped your B12 injections; ordinarily for a patient with neuropsychiatric symptoms, treatment is supposed to be lifelong.
The Tortured Poets Department thoughts? My initial response is disappointment. I love So Long London but overall it feels too synth, too Jack Antoff, and bereft of bangers.
The initial album was so boring to me. I listened to the whole thing starting at midnight and I thought the lyrics were cringey and there honestly wasn’t a single song that I was interested in hearing again. To me the first part of the album sounds like tracks that didn’t make the cut for Midnights… with good reason. And I liked Midnights! Then the 2 am drop happened (yes I was still up, ughh long story). That sounds way more like Folkmore/Evermore and was a much more interesting listen the first time around. At least the songs don’t all sound the same, I much prefer Aaron’s production to Jack’s. But the lyrics are still super obnoxious in a lot of the songs. The capitalizing of Kim’s name and referencing her kid is such a low blow, and I don’t understand why Taylor is stilllll dragging on this nearly 10 year old feud. And the “High School” song (“you touch me while your bros play Grand Theft Auto”) is just gross.
I’m a lifelong fan of Taylor’s music but have gotten tired of her personality in recent years. Reputation and Lover are probably my least favorite albums, but even those had a few songs I LOVED and wanted to play on repeat. This is the first album of hers where I’ve really just had no desire to listen to any song again. I’ve spent most of the day listening to Kacey Musgraves and Maggie Rogers for a palate cleanser. I think I’m outgrowing Taylor. It’s a bummer because we’re basically the same age and I really grew up on her music but she’s just so immature for her age.
Agree with everything you said.
I can’t unsee the footage from the Grammys and I kind of get the ick now. I still love her music, but I don’t want to be friends with her the way I do Kacey.
What footage from the Grammy’s?
all of it but especially when she’s backstage taking photos with boygenius
annoying theater kid on c0ke vibes
Nah, I love it. It’s definitely a lyrically strong album though, so I can see where you’d be musically let down if you pay more attention to that. I don’t.
I think But Daddy I Love Him is a banger though, and twins with Love Story in a way that makes me emotional. (Love Story came out when I was a teen and I related to it to an embarrassing degree – and now I’m relating to BDILH similarly.)
I’ve skimmed it (played a bit of every song). It feels manufactured, almost every song sounds the same, and it is utterly devoid of soul. That’s what I want out of music – soul, in whatever flavor that means for the artist. This just feels sanitized, plastic, uniform. This was definitely the direction of her last album, but it’s complete now. And it’s yuck to me. But it’s a free world, so I don’t have to listen to it.
I love some of the songs, but I agree there is too much Jack, too many synths, too many songs in the same key (she loves C!), and too many similar trademarks like her talk-rappy prechoruses. The Aaron Dessner songs are noticeably better, with more interesting production. I really admire her output—it’s truly impressive—but I sometimes think she would benefit from stronger editing. If she trimmed some of the weaker songs from this double album, she might end up with one super solid album.
why did she feel the need to release it so fast? Like she is a billionaire. She is not at risk of being forgotten. She can take time off after her tour to focus and edit herself and then make a splash next year with better music.
I think she’s doing it because she’s creatively inspired (whether or not it’s good is tbd). Rich people can occasionally have motives other than money.
Exactly. That 5-6 month affair with Matty Healy was devastating and she just needed to pour out all the deep feelings created by that epic love story and loss.
by all means, work through your feelings with your songs, but the part that could wait is releasing them. Given them some time to marinate, listen to them as a group, etc.
+1 I think she’s creatively inspired, and also that she really loves her fans, and doesn’t want to sit on all of the songs that she considers done. That’s why we’re getting a lot of From The Vault tracks right now too.
She’s definitely not doing it for money.
As one review said “She needed to write this album [to process the end of these relationships] but she didn’t need to release it.” I think Taylor honestly doesn’t see a distinction.
This has always been my feeling: Can’t you just keep a diary?
(Imagine my shock when she revealed that she has ALSO kept many diaries.)
She once said she didn’t need a therapist because she had her mom. Girlllll you need a therapist.
She did because she can and because she wanted to. She can do whatever she likes!
This! I don’t understand the comments saying she could write them but not release them. Maybe she feels free when she releases new music about previous relationships and wanted to release them now since her new relationship seen serious. Regardless, I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong by releasing new music.
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart is a total banger though! Lights, camera, b*tch, smile
I loveee the lyrics in that song. I don’t relate to being romantically broken hearted (happily married for 15 years) however life can break your heart (like 2023 for me was both life rough and career productive) and I love these lyrics so much –
Cause I’m a real tough kid, I can handle my s—t
They said, “Babe, you gotta fake it till you make it,” and I did
“Lights, camera, b-tch, smile
Even when you wanna die”
…
I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it’s an art
You know you’re good when you can even do it with a broken heart
…
All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting more
I was grinning like I’m winning, I was hitting my marks
‘Cause I can do it with a broken heart
…
‘Cause I’m miserable
And no one even knows!
Try and come for my job…
I am going to write “I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art” on my forehead. I LOVE it.
This. I don’t love a lot of the album and the Aaron Dessner stuff is better than the Jack Antonuff stuff but LOVE ‘I can do it with a broken heart’. Going through some stuff with DH and this song is going to get me through a crazy weekend of kids activities and family commitments
I misread the final phrase as, “bereft of badgers.”
My day—and, indeed, my entire life—has been, for good or for ill, entirely bereft of badgers.
I’m sick on my couch this afternoon, and this made me laugh out loud :)
Ha!
In his was-it-actually-the-fifties childhood, my husband was once tramping around out in the woods near his house and had occasion to encounter a badger. It charged him, he shot it in the forehead (yes, real shot, not a BB gun or some such), and it kept coming.
So I’m going to say your badger bereavement is probably for the better. Thank you for the laugh!
I found out that a judge had nicknamed me The Badger. I don’t think it was a compliment.
I like the first five songs quite a bit. I think Taylor really needs an editor. They’re not bad songs, but they all start to sound the same. There should not be 30 of them.
Agreed. I think releasing 31 songs is a bit overwhelming to the listener.
I found so many of the lyrics to be immature and off-putting. I also found it in ill taste to be so defensive about Matty Healy since her fans’ reactions to him were about his racism, not just random judgment. That context made all the teenage fever “I can’t live without you, who cares about what they say” lyrics feel even more unpleasant to me. Also agree with everyone else that it’s not interesting production, sounds like the same thing she’s been releasing for years, and isn’t something I’d re-listen to.
That’s where I am too. I’ve never looked at her the same way after she dated Matty and quadrupling down on that scumbag human with an album of songs about how her mean fans destroyed her perfect relationship is…. a real choice. I honestly think she’s going back to Matty after things fizzle out with Travis.
I’m also super curious what Travis really thinks of the album, because references like “I’m dating the guy who would have bullied you in school” make it sound like she’s using Travis to get back at Matty.
Poor Joe must be so glad to be past all this. I hope fans and the media leave him alone; although I’ve already seen Daily Mail headlines about how Taylor “revealed” in this album that he cheated (… what?? if anything she implies she cheated, at least emotionally, with Matty) so maybe not.
I feel like the famous David Wooderson/Dazed and Confused quote applies to her target audience – “I get older, they stay the same age.”
Ironically she used a version of that line – about an ex dating progressively younger and younger women – in a song!
Most of the songs sound the same and there’s nothing catchy. Usually it’s fun knowing which celebrity boyfriend she’s singing about but oof. Matty Healy is a scumbag and there was clearly some overlap between her relationships. It’s tough listening to her romanticize and mourn that one.
That is where I’m struggling too! It’s really hard to get into a song and then think oh wait, this is about Matty Healy! He’s so gross!
I know she’s BFFs with Jack Antonoff but I’d really love to hear somebody else’s production for once.
My 10 year old and her BFF love it. It’s been on basically nonstop in my house since midnight. I honestly can’t say Taylor is my top artist but I thought the collabs were fun!
Taylor backlash has already hit my elementary school kid and her friends. Today at Girl Scouts a girl said she wanted to listen to the new album and a bunch of other girls all groaned “noooo, no more Taylor.” I think on the whole Olivia is way more popular with that demographic.
I unabashedly love it. Just was stuck in two hours of traffic and listened and I think it’s an album that really flows from one song to the next. Also happily married for over a decade and am having that falling in love with my husband glowy feeling that came from leaving all the jerks in the past but recalling them through her songs. Vicky, we should hang.
Anyone have a favorite niacinamide serum? If you use one regularly, how often do you use it, and where do you put it in your routine?
I’ve only ever used The Ordinary one because it’s cheap but I really like it. I use it every night, the last step before moisturizer (other serums first).
Repeating my morning rec to check out the brand Maelove.
Thanks for the recs!
Beauty of Joseon Glow Serum. I use it after cleanser and before the moisturizer (if you use a toner, it would be after toner).
I like the Niacinimide Superdrops from Beauty Pie. It’s a watery serum so I either put it on alone, right after I wash my face in the morning, or else I mix a dropperful into a bit of a hydrating serum in the palm of my hand and then apply both together.
I really think it has made a difference in redness for me.
Does anyone dye their eyebrows with something like Just For Men? Do you go lighter or darker than you think? Is there something better now?
I do Just for Men. My complexion is similar to Emma Watson. I started with the lightest available. My thought was that it’s easier to build it up than to look awkward with too-dark eyebrows for a few weeks. The lightest was just fine and I haven’t had to go darker.
If you’re not ready to make that kind of commitment I highly recommend thrives brow product that’s semipermanent
I use Godefroy, it is easy and I really like it. I mix the paste, apply with the angled brush, wait a minute or two, depending on how dark I want to go, then wipe off with oil based makeup remover and finish with a quick soap and water wash. Done for 6 weeks.
Oh I was looking at that!! How dark is it (or can you adjust based on how long you keep the dye on?) does it really last weeks?
I use it too. I wait significantly longer because I’m actually trying to dye the skin where I have very sparse hair. 8 minutes for the brow tails and 2 for the front where I do have decent hair. It lasts 2 weeks, ideally I redo every week, at 3 you can’t tell it was ever there. The darkness can be adjust based on how long the dye is wet. If it dries it stops working, so you need to reapply to rewet.
Sex, religion, doctors, read on…I posted here a few weeks ago about going to pelvic therapy after years (read: a decade) of painful and uncomfortable sex. I had my first appointment today and the doctor recommended dilator work (after confirming that I’m indeed very tight, which was validating at least). She will use them on me after I buy them. She showed me some silicone ones from Intimate Rose that were very nice, but they’re $160 for the set of 8.
1) Has anyone used dilators? What was your experience?
2) Any recommendations for dilator brand?
3) I grew up in an extremely religious (Pentecostal) household, and while I’m not religious now, I know that’s at least part of the problem here. Any success stories on shedding the past and not allowing it to infiltrate my bedroom?
3b) I’m in regular therapy, but haven’t quite broached this subject yet as my current therapist and I are new to each other. Feel free to share any therapeutic techniques you have learned that relate to this, or just share your story so I know I’m not alone!
1) not used myself but my patients have found them effective
2) I used to work with patients who had received pelvic radiation and the doctor I worked with just stocked and assortment of random basic v*brators in the office.
3) It’s important to take it slow. For some people it can mean just turning it on, looking at it and then putting it back in the drawer at first. Some reframing that this is physical therapy and not something a belief system labeled as “bad” would be helpful as well. I can see how discussing this topic with a new therapist can feel scary, but I think they could be very helpful.
1) yes, I used them for a similar problem. They helped for sure but it was not a magic fix. (The magic fix was giving birth vaginally, ha).
2) I don’t know, I was given a set of plastic ones by the physical therapist. They did not vibrate. I really don’t think it has to be fancy.
3) I don’t have any advice on that front, other than that there was certainly a physical factor for me that then created a mental issue (ie tense up bc expecting pain, which makes everything worse). I do think therapy would help even just in the religious point and not the sex. Maybe start there. Also I know there have been a number of books on the topic of shedding religious baggage around sex – let me see if I can find the title of one my friend read.
Shameless, by Nadia Bolz-Weber. Note that this is still from a decidedly Christian perspective, but might be helpful.
Here’s a list of others…
https://sojo.net/articles/healing-leaving-recover-purity-culture-Christian
The woman wrote the memoir Unorthodox about growing up ultra-Orthodox Jewish wrote about using dilators to help her.
Re: therapy
Feel feee to email or text your therapist ahead of time and say that there is something you’d like to discuss.
At the session you can start almost exactly like your post – “this is hard for me to talk about but I think it’s important- it has to do with my family and current relationships and religion and sex – “ and probably the therapist will be all ears and very encouraging
And feel free to stop talking at any time! You’re brave. You got this.
Dilators aren’t the same thing as v1brators, usually. You can buy a smaller set of Intimate Rose that come in 4 sizes – you might not need the intermediate sizes.
Regarding therapy: get a copy of The Great Sex Rescue from your library. It will give you a lot of direction for understanding the relationship between fundamentalism and pelvic pain.
OMG Columbia protestor in NPR right now saying she doesn’t understand how “From the River to the sea” is problematic.
I doubt the veracity of that, I’m so over these protesters
Agreed – they’re honestly such liars. I want more to get suspended simply so someone finally calls them on their sh*t.
Is it problematic in the context of discussing or aspiring to Israel controlling the whole of it?
Write back when she can correctly identify the river and the sea on a map.
Haha. I’m a little embarassed to admit that I recently had to look up which river we were talking about (and then felt stupid because I have read the Bible and I should have known), but at least I’m not in any way purporting to be an expert on this subject, staging protests or chanting anything.
It’s the area depicted here in dark blue.
https://www.upi.com/Top_News/World-News/2023/09/22/Israel-Saudi-Arabia-Netanyahu/6931695402093/
Lol
I’m so pissed about that slogan and “we don’t want no two states, we want 1948.” Literally what are they advocating? Totally wiping Israel off the map? Mass murder? A one-state solution where Jews can fend for themselves against Hamas, which has pledged not to rest until Israel is destroyed? If you want to destroy Israel, you’re advocating for destroying Jews. Own it – you don’t get to call for that AND avoid being called antisemitic. And you REALLY don’t get to accuse the other side of genocide.
I think the more rational camp acknowledges two states, with some debate on where to draw the borders. The extreme position seems to be either – send the Jews “home” ( which is so absurd I don’t even know what to say about that), or let them fend for themselves within a unified “Palestine” (which is pretty equally absurd).
One camp seems to hurl “Zionist” as an insult at anyone who supports a two-state solution. They clearly don’t call Israel to exist and shouldn’t be surprised when people call them hateful, harassing, and antisemitic for chanting awful slogans at Jews.
I think three states would be better at this point. Cannot imagine Gaza and Palestine combining to make a functioning country.
We all know where the Gaza Strip is. Where, exactly, is Palestine in your opinion?
Whoops — meant Gaza and the West Bank. Hamas and the PA don’t get along. Can’t imagine one giving up power in their area to co-exist for peace. I’d vote for 3 states on current borders. But 2 will fail IMO.
I’m guessing she means Gaza and the West Bank. I also don’t see how they will combine.
And if there were ever to be an agreement on two or three states, Israeli settlements need to stop. A deal is a deal.
I am not saying I think a one state solution is viable at this point, or even suggesting that Israel should exist, but suggesting that Israelis would be “left to fend for themselves” in a unified state, when Israelis outnumber Palestinians 2:1, really indicates that you have some pretty racist views.
This should definitely read:”or even suggesting that Israel should NOT exist.” Very bad typo.
This seems to assume that this hypothetical state would be a functional democracy. I think there are pretty strong reasons to doubt that at this point and I absolutely don’t think it’s racist to think that.
The Hamas charter: “The hour of judgment shall not come until the Muslims fight the Jews and kill them, so that the Jews hide behind trees and stones, and each tree and stone will say: ‘Oh Muslim, oh servant of Allah, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him,’ except for the Gharqad tree, for it is the tree of the Jews.”
But it’s just totes racist to say that Jews won’t be safe in a country run by Hamas (which is far more popular than the PA). Got it.
I am poster at 7:23, and I most definitely meant to say that I was not suggesting that Israel should NOT exist. I posted a reply to myself with the correction, but I also read here once that replies to oneself sometimes don’t post immediately, and I don’t want that to sit. It was a bad typo. I do believe Israel should exist.
There is 💯a developing idea that all Jews in Israel are from Europe and must leave.
Of course. Because we are all white colonizers.
I guess the principle of being a refugee is lost on many. I honestly fear for Gen Z – they think they’re the most progressive of any of us but it seems like they’re the least. It’s a dangerous combination of hubris and lack of empathy.
Being a refugee in addition to being from Israel natively, of course. Jews have occupied the land for thousands of years – but I guess that doesn’t bring any cred in “center BIPOC” circles.
I don’t think it’s a lack of empathy as much as lack of historical knowledge. A shocking number of these kids just don’t know or understand their history and are viewing this all thru a black/white lens of oppressor/oppressed with Israel being the oppressor because it is economically successful.
I agree, AIMS, but I also think you shouldn’t need to be a history buff to know that targeting concertgoers for murder is wrong. I honestly feel like some of those with the oppressor lens have completely lost the plot on their own basic morals.
That’s a fair point and obviously part of it. I have not ceased to be shocked by the moral gymnastics the people who are currently on the side of justice undertake to make this a black and white issue. My heart breaks at the suffering happening in Gaza now and yet I cannot see how that makes it okay to deny that what happened on October 7 was inhuman or how it makes tearing down pictures of people taken hostage okay, to use just one example. But I think if you are viewing everything through the lens of oppression then you also stop to think about the human cost and the gray area of it all. Everyone is just either oppressed or complicit in the oppression.
And it goes on all over – I just read about some teen ballet dancers from Russia that were uninvited from a huge international youth ballet event in NYC just now because they are part of a dance theater with major state ties to the Russian government, as if there is any other way to have a ballet company there now. The theory being that they are also part of the problem and forgetting entirely what a huge impact cultural dialogue had during the Cold War. I can get shunning artists who actually support Putin, but this seems so counterproductive since it just shuts down all opportunity for dialogue and yet… I don’t mean to compare this to what’s going on campus as being in the same category – it’s not – but I do think it’s part of a larger loss of context in our internet age where the loudest voices just get amplified and get louder.
Wondering if you think this situation is “odd” and any general advice….
I’ve posted before that I am finally divorced, after a very long, very unhappy marriage full of yelling and blame.
On my second bumble date I met someone whom I have now been dating 1.5 years.
He is amazing – almost perfect in every way, we are super compatible- we have never had even a cross word with each other.
He is also divorced after a 20y marriage – though he has been single for almost 10 years. We spend about 4-5 nights together per week.
We do walks together, do yoga and spin, go out to dinner, we’ve traveled to Europe twice…everything is almost perfect.
Except we have never had a single argument and zero discussion about our future. He has made comments that imply he doesn’t want to get married again, but we have never discussed it and now it feels super awkward to bring up. I realize I have an issue where I don’t like confrontation and it’s not good that I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up.
I don’t even know what I want – but it seems time we have a discussion about our future.
Any general thoughts or comments appreciated- especially from people who have been in similar situation…
If this is odd to you, then it’s odd. That’s all that really matters. I’m in a long term, serious-for-us relationship where we know we don’t want to get married or live together. But if you’re feeling not-quite-right, then that’s important.
I would start by visualizing what an ideal future with him might look like. Think about what that means for you and try to envision yourself in that and what makes you happy about it. Then reflect on your current situation: If you two were in agreement that you’d maintain your status quo, would that be enough for you? Or would there be something missing?
You can do the define-the-relationship conversation anytime, but the key is to know if you’re unhappy, have goals/desires, want a change by X date, etc. This shouldn’t be a confrontation. If you feel you can’t have this talk without it being that, I’d ask more questions about how close and open you two really can be.
Thank you!
How long have you been together? And I think the point is, what do you want for your future? Just for context, after divorcing, I very deliberately went on dates that were extremely casual. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship for a while, but enjoyed the companionship and learning more about what I wanted on dates. I’m remarried, and my now husband and I dated for almost two months before discussing our futures. But if you feel like it’s been too long and you want to talk about it, feel free to bring it up. And if you want a future with him, tell him that – you don’t have to be super intense about it, but “I’ve had such a wonderful time with you and am starting to think I want a future with you” is not confrontational.
Thank you – I mention above it’s been 1.5 years.
I think it’s kind of sad that you’ve been with someone for 1.5 years and can’t have a basic conversation with them. You should be able to talk about your future. If you’ve put it off for so long it’s now hard to bring up, say that, and then talk.
OP here – agree.
We obviously talk about a lot of stuff – and he really prioritizes the relationship and yes we’ve been exclusive since almost the beginning.
I wasn’t looking to get into a serious relationship right away – we just clicked and had so much fun together – it just happened.
But no, other than him saying how much he loves me and implying we will stay together…we don’t talk about “us”.
I feel like because you want to talk, you probably want something more. Spend a few moments to reflect on what that is, even if it’s not marriage. Are you guys exclusive? Do you want to be? Do you want to move in together? Would it make you sad if his answers are no to these questions? More items may crop up as you talk to each other, but you need some basic talking points/agenda to get the convo going.
Thank you – agree
I guess the question for yourself first is – do you want to get married again, or are you happy having a partner in your life long-term without marriage? I know people that have wanted the commitment of marriage again, and also those that have decided to stay legally single although they have been with their “new” partner for 5+ years.
If you do want to remarry, it’s not confrontational to bring it up, and 5:59’s intro sounds good to me. I am bravest at stuff like this when I’m not facing my husband – way easier to discuss things when we’re side-by-side on a walk, bike ride, drive, etc.
My dad is just like your guy. He was married at 25, divorced after 22 years. They waited until my youngest sibling graduated college and should have done it earlier.
He has dated on and off, is with someone now he has been with for 5 years. They live together in a home he helped her choose, but she owns. He owns his own home that he rents out (currently to my brother and his fiancé). His GF has children too. She was widowed when she was 48 and her husband was 53- he dropped dead at work with kids still in high school (sidebar- LIFE INSURANCE! When he died she was in a great financial place due to his insurance).
My dad doesn’t want to remarry. I don’t think she does either. The finances would be really tricky. They are POAs and I have told my dad I have every intention of deferring to his GF for any medical decision as he ages. It’s more logistics than anything else.
Thank you
For a second, I wondered if you were my SIL. Very similar situation with my MIL except they eventually decided to get married after the kids were “established” (not just out of the house) and they were fully retired. I know others in long term committed relationships (that we don’t have a good name for in English), where they’ve defined the relationship their way (e.g., may never marry, cohabitation occasionally not permanently, etc.). All is to say, have the talk but realize there are all sorts of different ways a long term committed relationship can look.
It sounds like there’s a gap in your intimacy level if you don’t discuss your relationship. It sounds like you’re looking for more than something just purely casual and if that’s the case, I’d talk to him about it. You might have mismatched desires and I’d rather know now and cut my losses than spend a lot of time with someone who never is going to feel deeply about you or the relationship.
This is what I meant by the long novel below!
lol! I like your answer too!!
Also, OP, IME some relationships are just meant to be for a season or era as Taylor would say. This guy might be the one to kick off the “moving on” season – he showed you that you can have a relationship again and have it be fun and wonderful, while not being your forever person. The trick is realizing when you’re ready for the next era.
I think you have to screw your courage to the sticking post and have The Talk. My husband is not a Feelings Talker and it was hard for him at first, but we just talked about it and gradually he got over it and now he’s still not a great Feelings Talker but at least he acknowledges that about himself and he works at it.
If it were me, I’d say, “Dear, I would like to have a Serious Talk with you. Is this a good time?” And then I would go to the Serious Talk spot in our house (which we have, and which I recommend for everyone!), and say, “It’s been 1.5 years and I am delighted by you and our relationship. And I know this is super awkward, but… I would like to be able to talk to you about things so here we are: On a few occasions you have said things that imply that you don’t want to get married again, and I can’t help but wonder… what’s up with that? ”
Then you could leave it there and see what he says, or you could say “… because me, personally, I am open to remarriage, and I am open to long term nonmarital exclusivity, or whatever (or whatever is true for you)… but I wonder what your thoughts are on the future of our relationship?”
It’s scary but less scary than the alternative, which is to let this issue fester and suck the joy out of a good relationship, or on the other hand to be blindsided by him breaking up out of the blue one day.
Oh, and the first time I wanted to say the L word to Mr. Not a Feelings Talker, I busted out this quote from George Elliot: “I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.” It worked quite well and I got a mumbled “uh, you are very dear, too” back, which I considered a big win!
This is lovely and I’m going to tuck this away for future use – thank you!
You have some work to do. This is something you need to be able to talk about your boyfriend of 1.5 years with. I was the same way, where I felt uncomfortable bringing up my wants and needs that I thought my partner might not like. I needed a lot of therapy to help me with this issue, but I wasn’t able to have a truly functional relationship until I addressed it.
Trying to sort out appropriate funeral clothing for myself and two teenagers. My father-in-law has a terminal illness and I’d like to figure out clothing so that we can focus on grieving when he passes. Would appreciate links and/or descriptions for what you would wear and recommend for teenagers (especially thirteen-year-old boy. All black feels like it would be totally off for him. Dark pants and an Oxford shirt?)
I’m so sorry. Is the other teenager a girl? I can post some dress recs for you and teen girl if you give sizes/shapes. Thoughts on teen boy – I think black pants and white shirt is fine.
Thanks so much. Yes, other teenager is a girl and is about 5’1 and size 0 or 2. I’m 40, 5’0 and curvy size 2.
For teen girl (add shrug or sweaters to some of these):
https://www.loft.com/clothing/dresses/catl000013/763245.html
https://www.forever21.com/us/20012726970303.html?source=shoppingads&glCountry=US&glCurrency=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=PMax:+FPMX_Smart+Shopping_Womens_Dresses&utm_id=71700000109394853&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-5qh6ra8YAwITDOBg_gCGejbLw3&gclsrc=aw.ds
https://www.belk.com/p/a.-byer-juniors-fit-and-flare-dress/18010331034U54.html
(Petite version) https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/sleeveless-bateau-neck-sheath-dress/570359157
For you:
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/suits/cata000013/34388808.html
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/dresses/cata000012/827869.html
https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/suits/cata000013/525369.html
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/funnel-neck-sleeveless-chiffon-dress/7672440
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-pleated-long-sleeve-dress/7054263
https://anneklein.com/products/sheath-dress-with-extended-shoulder-sleeve
https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/theory-classic-power-dress?ID=3238038
https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/ralph-lauren-corded-lace-cocktail-dress?ID=5010708
I posted 4 options for teen and 8 options for you. Both comments are in mod. I went with higher necklines given the gravity of the event, but your style may vary.
I would expect to see kids in basically church attire, not necessarily black esp. for a tween boy. Like – gray dress pants, navy blazer, white b-tt-n down, dark tie.
+1
My son has worn a blue button down shirt and dark navy pants for every wedding and funeral since he was early high school. It’s fine and unremarkable. He has some brown dress shoes and wears a brown belt. That’s it. He’s fine in this getup.
My daughter has a new dress for everything but that’s because she’s interested in getting a new dress. She usually orders it herself. Dark colors are fine for a funeral. Doesn’t have to be black.
I’m sorry for your impending loss. Navy slacks and blue Oxford button down with or without a tie would be appropriate for the 13-year-old boy. Black pants and white shirt might make him look like a bar tender or wait staff at the funeral reception. For the teenage girl, a dress suitable for church or temple (so no cut-outs or cropped style), not pastel colors and without a floral pattern. For you, any plain, dark dress that you are comfortable wearing all day, sitting and standing, like the Boden Ellen Ottoman dress in navy: I just checked, it’s in stock in the regular version in size 2: https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/ellen-ottoman-dress-evening-blue/sty-j0603-dbl