ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 180 Comments

Weekend Open Thread

gray cabled sweater with V-neck and Johnny collar

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

They aren't fancy, but some of my favorite sweaters from previous years have been from Treasure & Bond — and I'm really liking this merino and cotton one on sale today.

(I'm not sure if I've had a merino and cotton sweater before — but I often feel too hot in cashmere yet too cold in cotton, so this might be perfect. If you like the combination, though, Everlane has a bunch as well.)

I like the heavy texture to the sweater, the deep V, and the on-trend Johnny Collar. I can't decide if I prefer the gray or dark green; there's also a tan.

The sweater is $66 (on sale) at Nordstrom, available in sizes XXS-XL. There's another “oversized V-neck sweater” that also looks great and comes in both regular and plus sizes.

Psst: we've recently rounded up our favorite merino, cashmere, and 100% cotton sweaters.

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

180 Comments

  1. Pet peeve of the day:
    I know its just like a social nicety, especially at work, but I hate phrasing like:

    “I’m wondering if is good enough? Maybe it makes sense to ?”

    Are you really wondering that. Or do you actually think we should definitely do XYZ because it makes a lot more sense.

    I don’t think it’s rude to say “Could we do XYZ instead of ABC? It would help in these ways.”

    1. Usually I really am wondering. I work with a lot of people who are experts in fields that I’m not, so I need their feedback before knowing if we should actually do something.

      1. That’s different! I get it when you are actually wondering. But this was about something small and something that absolutely 1000% should be done. Original person was doing it wrong.

    2. I like when people phrase their questions as ‘wondering’ because I’m usually the expert in the room and it’s much easier for me to gently let them down.

    3. It depends. If I am not the expert in the room, I defer to them and use language indicating such. If something is clearly the correct course of action, I say so.

    4. OMG my spouse does this and some days I struggle to remind myself that I really do love him and that murder would be bad for our relationship.

      “I wondered if you wanted to do something.” “I wondered what you thought of XYZ.” “I thought you might want to go to the new restaurant in town.”

      You wondered? What did you do to satisfy that curiosity? Or is it still gnawing away at you? Will you please let me know how you resolve the issue?

      1. Ouch….. I don’t even understand how this is b*tch eating crackers.

        He sounds pretty great to me.

        1. “I wondered if you wanted to clean the toilet” is super passive-aggressive and very manipulative.

          If what you really mean is that you want me to clean it, say so. If you want to know if I want to clean it, actually ask the question. Don’t make this vague statement about your general wonderment and then get pissy about not getting a response.

          1. I mean at that point considering it a vague statement about wonderment is also passive aggressive. If you don’t want to clean the toilet, and if you want your partner to be direct, just say so.

      3. uh, this doesn’t sound bad to me. If he was doing it in a passive-aggressive way like 3:20 said, yeah, not good.

        But “oh I was wondering if you wanted to try X” is just a way of telling you he was thinking about you and something you might want to do together sooooooo I’m not getting the problem.

        1. I am the OP of this sub-comment and of the 3:20 reply.

          He uses it in both ways. If it was only the latter it would just be a cute quirk. The fact that he uses it for the former, too, is why it is a pet peeve of mine.

          1. oh well in that case I would have just given the annoying examples first! bc that usage would grate on me too.

    5. My pet peeve is people who take things way too literally, especially when they know what something actually means.

          1. A bunch of people on the autism spectrum have difficulty with social nuance and cues – and will take things literally. Many learn (painfully) through repeat misconnection or social failing and mask towards less awkwardness.

            So yes, there are really people, many of them highly intelligent in other ways, that don’t “get” what might seem obvious.

            The other situation is people who literally might not have the same experiences as you and also need to have a some conversation because they came from less robust resources (less exposure/practice) or from a different culture (country or ask-vs-guess)

          2. @Anon 3:02pm – That’s a big jump from “pet peeve” (something that a particular person finds especially annoying) to “hate.”

            It is similarly some sort of jump to assume that every person who takes things literally is on the autistic spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent. I have a good friend who is stunningly literal and neurotypical.

            I certainly feel for autistic people and the challenges they face, but accusatory responses are generally unhelpful at best.

        2. I think most people find autistic people annoying; aren’t there studies on this?

          1. Unfortunately they are, it’s pretty much an instant dislike because you can tell someone is ‘off’ which is socially reinforced by othering. This is called ‘thin slicing’.

    6. My dumb pet peeve, that pops up a lot this time of year, is using the phrase “won’t break the bank.” It feels so overused and unnecessary…you can say “affordable” or “a good deal” or “on a budget” or something that’s your own words.

      I especially hate it when people use it when asking for service provider recommendations…aka “I’m cheap and don’t want to pay for this big service.”

    8. Oh good grief. This is how people are polite at work. Would you prefer they say that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard?

  2. I missed the morning thread and wished I hadn’t! Light pollution is a major problem around the world!

    No, keeping your porch lights on doesn’t make your house safer: https://darksky.org/resources/what-is-light-pollution/effects/safety/ (with citations!)

    Leaving your lights on can be awful for birds: https://www.fws.gov/story/threats-birds-collisions-nighttime-lighting (more links at the bottom)

    Please turn your lights off – or modify them – if you can! <3

    1. No, when you move to my city and neighborhood, you tell me how you feel about that.

      1. Yeah that safety study might apply elsewhere, but having the front light on in my city makes a big difference for safety – the police department literally will replace your bulb for you because they want lights on.

        And I’m in a very urban neighborhood- there is no wildlife and there’s already lots of words light pollution.

        1. I’ve stayed at AirBNBs in a resort neighborhood where the HOA fines you if leave your outdoor light on after a certain hour because they don’t want to harm the natural wildlife. Clearly there are places where you do or don’t want lights and it’s going to vary a lot.

          But I also think it’s worth knowing that some of the “safety” folks think they are getting just doesn’t bear out in reality. You can not like what a statistic shows but your feelings don’t invalidate it.

        2. It also says “modify your lights” (which is not keeping them off) so that they illuminate what they are supposed to (not the sky) which can affect night migrations.

      2. OP literally asked about a suburb though. I’m Chicago and even I’m not getting your level of anger here. Big difference between an urban area and a suburb where your porch light probably doesn’t even hit your sidewalk (assuming there even is a sidewalk)

    2. I appreciate the info! I already keep my lights off because I’m a bit of a hippy but I appreciate having data to back it up.

    3. Mine has a motion sensor that triggers when you’re a few feet away from the front step. I don’t want it on all night, but I do like it on if I’m coming home after dark. it was easy to install!

    4. The single LED bulbs on each person’s stoop – that prevent there from being weird dark black holes of light on city sidewalks, illuminating uneven pavement and making it so you can see no one is lurking in an extra-dark shadow – are not the problem here.

      If you want to take on the PECO building and its garish crown lights, have at it. Please.

    5. I think I will extra turn my lights on in response to your comment because you think you know what’s best for everyone.

      1. Are you also the type of person to order an steak to spite vegan or make extra frivolous amazon purchases to stick it to someone who thrifts?

          2. Oh, I wasn’t the Anon you were replying to. I’m just sure that person would be this spiteful.

    6. This article is referring to street lights and flood lights. Those are different then many of the energy efficient outdoor lighting options. And while the article cites sources on crime, they don’t address things like tripping hazards, being able to see well enough to use your keys (or punch in a code) to open your own door, etc. I’ll continue to keep my lights on thank you very much.

      1. I believed the original thread was about keeping lights on all night long. We turn ours off when we go to bed. Most people aren’t using their keys or tripping down the sidewalk from 12-5am. It makes sense to have lights on when people are out and about, but all night long, not so much. I commented on that last thread how we’ve lived across from two sets of neighbors whose floodlights shine into our house all night long, even with our shades pulled. That’s annoying.

        1. But that’s when people are breaking into your house in urban areas. So yeah, leaving my lights on.

    8. It really is unfortunate you couldn’t weigh in on the original post and catch the masses who were tuned into the issue then!

  3. How do you keep healthy, unprocessed foods from getting boring? Im late 40s and feel like I’m going to gag if I eat more oats, greek yogurt, blueberries, salmon, grilled chicken breasts…

    1. Probably not the answer you want. But I think the answer is to become a better cook. My parents are incredible cooks who enjoy doing it and make delicious, healthful foods that are flavorful because they use all the spices, fresh herbs, garlic, ginger, etc. etc. I, unfortunately, do not share this love for cooking and end up eating the same bland but healthful foods on repeat.

      1. This. You need to cook with flavor. My healthy home-cooked food tastes better than most restaurant food available in my area.

        1. Yes and … a little bit of slightly unhealthy is ok! Half or 1/4 teaspoon of maple syrup in yogurt + blueberries is delicious and not too much sugar!

          Spice it up! Cinnamon or apple pie spice on that oatmeal! Curry spice on salmon with sautéed spinach and caramelized onions is delicious. Grilled chicken breasts can take a lot of spices, especially no-salt blends. But try poaching the boneless skinless chicken to keep it moist

    2. Vinegars, herbs and spices. A little cinnamon or nutmeg added to the blueberries and yogurt. A tiny bit of orange water in my oatmeal. Dill on my salmon, tumeric and curry on my chicken. There’s a reason all of that stuff was priceless and wars fought over it.

      1. +1 to vinegars and to Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat below. I think acid is something a lot of home cooks miss.

      2. Agreed. For some healthy examples, salmon is good with Dijon & garlic OR a citrus seasoning & orange slices OR lime juice and taco seasoning. I like tomato-based sauces so chicken with bruschetta, chicken with spicy pico de gallo, and chicken with salsa are all on the menu.

    3. Spices and other foods. Shake it up lentils, chick peas, beans, different types of grains like buckwheat, farro, or quinoa. Chickpea masala and rice is a clean meal too (especially when cooking at home where you can minimize oil). You don’t need to eat bland food.

      That said my FIL has orthorexia which manifests as being obsessed with clean foods so he even thinks certain plants are bad, which isn’t a diet issue but a mental health one.

      1. Certain plants are bad for some people; maybe he’s out of his mind or maybe he’s noticed something.

        1. No his medical providers have agreed it’s mental illness and cucumbers cause no harm

          3. Cucumbers are notorious for causing GI upset especially if the levels of cucurbitacin are high; they’re a common IBS trigger. Maybe he’s also mentally ill though.

          4. His list of ‘bad’ plants is over a hundred plants long, I just picked a single dumb example. What if I said cabbage instead? or bananas? or ginger? or sweet potatoes? or red peppers? or apples? or black beans? or rice?

          5. I still worry whether people are always appropriately worked up for the kinds of conditions that can explain getting symptoms from nearly all plant foods (and which can cause mental health symptoms as well). Some have been very tardily diagnosed in friends and family of mine (including people who were gaslit before being properly tested). But if he just watched YouTube videos or something, that’s on him!

          6. You’re exhausting. It’s mental illness and conspiracy theory YouTube. The man will occasion sneak brownies (MIL tells me because she finds the wrappers). Curious to see the next excuse you provide though.

        2. I have a friend, former friend at this point, who has orthorexia, and it’s real. It’s very sad actually.

          1. Yeah, I’ve known some people like this.

            For a long time she only ate tomato, cucumber and cold rotisserie chicken. That’s it. Every meal. She developed osteoporosis and a few vitamin deficiencies and just looked so unhealthy. She was the new girlfriend of my father, who joined our lives 3 months after my Mom died. She tried to convert my father to her diet… Good times.

      2. My husband is getting bad ideas from the internet as well about all kinds of food and products. There is a real line between being consciously aware and being paranoid and I am trying to not let it impact me. As an aside, I rage when people saying they are eating “clean.” By definition, you are yucking my yum.

    4. Eating vegetables and fruits that are in season (taste better, never get sick of them because I rotate, makes me cook more creatively), rotate sauces/honey/jam, meals based on beans you cook yourself (way better texture and you can flavor them in a million ways, I love adding a parm rind to the pot), lots of Asian-inspired cooking heavy on herbs and spices (google “Egg Bhurji”), less chicken (I get so sick of chicken!) and more fish and shrimp, getting cook books from the library to find new recipes.

    6. How are you seasoning these foods? Grilled chicken breast is boring to me, until I add zhoug, or korma sauce, or toum, or harissa, or Sichuan chili crisp.

    7. Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat is a great book for this. Even if you are trying to cut the fat, which is the common denominator of some of the foods you listed, you have three other tools in your arsenal.

    8. I hear you.

      Agree with being a better cook and using lots of interesting spices/herbs helps.
      But I’m tired and lazy.

      I eat more eggs and cheese. Fortunately cheese is not a high risk food for me.
      And I buy some healthy, freshly prepared foods from my local co-op to mix in with my boring meals. Often these are my Tofu meals.

      Just finished my nut snack.

        1. This all just made me quite literally laugh out loud sitting at my desk. I definitely saw “sack” on my first read through.

        3. If she’s vegetarian, she probably doesn’t put meat in her mouth.

          (Sorry I went there.)

    10. You have great advice already. I will add that you should incorporate marinades. Change up your cooking styles too. Grilled veggies taste different than roasted veggies, but they are both healthy.

    11. Kelsey doesn’t need to be boring. Agree with others you need to learn to how to be a better cook. I would not sit down to a plain chicken breast ever, ever, ever.

      That said, I do get bored with some of my food choices that I go back to you all the time, and I know that’s when it’s time for me to change it up a bit. I recently took a detour into Indian cooking, which has been really fun And super flavorful and not unhealthy.

      I’ll go back to my standards soon enough, but sometimes you do have to change it up. I have really been craving red meat lately. I just try to honor my cravings. They’re not telling me to eat chocolate ice cream for dinner. They are telling me I might need a piece of meat, and so I eat a piece of meat, and the craving passes.

    12. +1 to becoming a better cook and using more spices. I found that I was under-seasoning my food when I actually followed a couple of recipes for my go-to meals. Oh, you mean just sprinkling it from the container isn’t ACTUALLY a full teaspoon? You mean I can’t double the meat in the recipe and not also double the spice and it’s fine? Once I started properly seasoning my food, my dishes tasted much better.

      Another thing that works for me and my athletic DH is to balance the fat and carbs. Everything you listed is basically pure protein, but your body needs fats and carbs. People tend to get into trouble when they eat both carbs and fat in every meal. It makes the food taste way better, so you end up overeating. But if you either portion out your food or focus on adding only fat or only carbs, you tend to not overeat.

      Examples:

      Stir fry is chicken, brown rice, and vegetables. There’s very little fat in this dish, but you can eat a massive plate of food.

      Taco breakfast hash is grilled chicken/turkey/beef, eggs, sour cream, guacamole, and salsa. It’s high-fat, but low carb.

      Those^^ two meals keep you full and fueled for workouts, and you can still hit your macros for the day. We tend to meal prep and just change up the spices, but most of our meals are the same rough combo of protein, fat, and carbs.

    13. While I don’t disagree with the recommendations for learning to use spice and sauce, for me the answer is learning to cook or use vegetables. In my meals, most of the flavor comes from vegetables. And you don’t mention one in your list.

    14. I agree with everyone saying herbs, spice, vinegar, citrus, pickles, etc., but you also need to mix it up. It’s not good to eat too much of anything. So not just oats, but also wheat, quinoa, farro, barley, buckwheat, and millet. Not just blueberries, but all of the other kinds of fruit. Add in other kinds of fish, tofu, lentils, or beans. Eat some vegetables. I agree with the poster above that vegetables add a lot of flavor, especially umami heavy ones like tomatoes.

      1. I think it’s usually fine to eat a lot of the same things, so long as they add up to a nutritionally adequate diet, and so long as there aren’t food intolerances involved. Even a little bit of boredom isn’t always a bad thing (think of the centenarians who had the same simple breakfast every day for decades because it’s what worked for them).

        But if you have no idea whether you’re hitting RDAs and haven’t checked, mixing it up a lot can lower the odds that you happen to be eating e.g. only low vitamin C vegetables or only low iron protein sources and courting a deficiency.

        Interestingly a lot of spices and herbs punch above their weight when it comes to nutritional contributions, so that can help too!

        Mixing it up is still a good idea if we’re sick of something, to me that feeling is partly a sign that it’s not what our bodies need more of.

        1. It’s not just being short on the main nutrients, it’s also about getting a balance of the more obscure phytonutrients and not getting too much of any potential toxins (like lead in chocolate or arsenic in rice). It’s obviously a little less convenient, but if you’re bored, I think it’s definitely a sign you need to branch out. I say this as someone who batch cooks and happily eats the same thing many days in a row, but I try to rotate through different mixes of grains, proteins, fruits, and vegetables each week.

          1. Oh, and I definitely agree about herbs- basil, parsley, dill, and cilantro add a lot of flavor and nutrition to my cooking. Also a big fan of green onions and arugula, which aren’t technically herbs, but I sort of think of them that way (I often make arugula into pesto).

    15. Look into healthy cooking books! Focus on “healthy,” you’ll want to see that word on the cover lol. You’re local library probably has some. Browse Barnes and nobles, again look for the word healthy.

      With baking, start with substituting ingredients (for example, olive oil or puréed apples or pears for butter, or half whole wheat flour for half of the regular flour), altering quantities (cutting back on sugar and salt), adding in fat free Greek yogurt, lots of nuts, less chocolate chips etc. Pick a recipe, plan to make it several times in the next few months, and alter some things every time. You’ll eventually get comfortable with substituting and ratios, and the resulting taste and texture.

      Then move on to sautés, soups, roasted things! Use less salt. Use extra virgin olive oil, don’t use butter.

      There are lots of ways to make delicious high protein high fiber nutrient dense meals from scratch.

      It does take time and meal planning.

    16. I echo all of the recommendations for added spice but also, there are tons of overnight oat recipes, baked oatmeal recipes, etc that can be prepared once a week with different flavor combinations that make them more interesting. I started buying different kinds of granola to make yogurt parfaits but you could also make chia pudding or something similar. My tip for salmon is to substitute it wherever you would eat tuna. Put it in pasta, sandwiches, salmon salad like tuna salad, in rice/grain bowls… You can also put seasonal veggies with your chicken breasts (I usually use thighs) on a sheet pan to roast in the oven. Mix up the spice profile to change the “cuisine” so it’s more interesting.

  4. Every winter, my fingernails get really dry. Not my cuticles, the nails themselves. I have tried my regular hand lotion (many versions) as well as bio-oil and none really seem to do anything. Sometimes I resort to covering them in heavy duty lip balm or vaseline before bed, but that is really greasy and also doesn’t seem to nourish or hydrate them, just covers the dryness. Is there some product out there that hydrates dry nails?

    2. They sell Teatree oil in little nail polish l style bottles. It’s good for your cuticles too. I try to put it on my toenails and fingernails before bed pretty often.

      1. I do this as well, and I find it really helps. I badly damaged the nail bed of my big toe and the podiatrist recommended it.

    3. If you’re in a northern climate, are you supplementing vitamin D in the winter months to make up for decreased sun exposure?

    4. I find that the Dior cuticle treatment to also be very hydrating to my nails. It’s a bit of a splurge but a little goes a long way. I have hand eczema and when I have a flareup I put Vaseline on over a moisturizer and then cotton gloves on my hands to help it sink in. This process really helps.

    5. A YouTube nail person i follow swears by jojoba oil. It’s not expensive and supposedly absorbs well into the nail. I keep a bottle by all my sinks.

  5. Can anyone recommend a dog barrier for a very small SUV (Toyota Corolla Cross), preferably one that attaches to the car seat tiedowns on the back of the seat? We’ve tried multiple barriers that don’t fit even when the measurements seem right. The dog is 75 lbs so the barriers that attach with tension poles don’t seem safe.

    1. look on Am@zon–there are so many dog barriers/beds/gadgets. Enter your car info and you will find items that fit your car.

  6. What is your favorite whole body lotion? Something you might put on everywhere when you get out of the shower?

    I have very sensitive skin and use mostly cetaphil/cerave products for my face, with some aquafor on my heels. I have cerave in a tub that I was using on my body, but I maybe that is too thick…. and I seem to go through that way too fast if I’m using it everywhere.

    I’m wary of too many ingredients. I just became allergic to my favorite ultra moisturizing Burt’s Bees lip balm that I loved.

    1. I don’t routinely lotion other parts than my face, so don’t really have recommendations. But wanted to mention that Costco sometimes has two extra large tubs of CeraVe on sale, in case you want to keep using that!

    2. Carina organics unscented. It’s not exciting but it has limited ingredients and doesn’t hurt me or the planet.

    3. I like AmLactin for any parts of my body that get rough skin and I used to use cera V in the tub for my body lotion, but I stopped liking it as much. Now I like Bliss lotion in the tube, especially the lemon scented, and I also like Beauty Pie Deluxe body cream, the regular orange scented one. That one I actually really really love and it’s worth a Beauty Pie membership to me just to get that one product.

    4. I also have very sensitive skin, though the rest of my body isn’t quite as bad as my face. I use the fragrance free version of lubriderm. It’s not too heavy, so it works well on my oily skin that still gets dry and itchy in the winter. It comes in big pump bottles that are reasonably cheap.

    5. Aveeno doesn’t irritate my sensitive skin.

      But oh no about the Burt’s Bees!! That is my favorite; I can only imagine how sad it would be to have to avoid it.

    8. Look into shower lotion from Curel or Nivea – much easier to spread. Alternately look at body oil, meant to be applied while still wet I think.

    9. Gold bond…I know, I know. But I’ve tried everything. It lasts, it’s greasy and I swear my skin is healthier. Not just protected. Healthier.

    12. I like the neutrogena deep moisture pump bottle (white). Drugtore prices, absorbs quickly and doesn’t leave an oily film. For really dry skin I like the Eucerin Calming Cream (light blue text) with colloidal oatmeal.

  7. Looking for a dupe – any miracles appreciated! My favorite fall shirt has irreparable holes. And is super worn. It’s NYand Company stretch sizeXS 95% rayon.

    – 3/4 sleeve top
    – not ribbed fabric
    – gently ruched sides
    – modest keyhole opening
    – turtleneck – but not one you fold, it like gently rests down
    – it’s royal purple but I’d take any jewel tone! Not black though.

    1. This is the exact shirt different color and size! https://www.thredup.com/featured/181338839?department_tags=women&referral_context=google_pmax_pla&iv_=__iv_p_1_a_20008455819_g__c__w__n_x_d_m_v__l__t__r__x_pla_y_8908102_f_online_o_178535650_z_US_i_en_j__s__e__h_9023102_ii__gg_6465791179_vi__&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADCdW5BojcS7ukZ6b0-xGngk6nVWn&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiYTBsJ-UigMVMjYIBR3PZBItEAQYASABEgLi5fD_BwE&referral_code=adwords_pla&featured_item=181338839&text=Black%20long-sleeve%20tunic%20top%20with%20cowl%20neck%20and%20keyhole%20detail%2C%20featuring%20gathered%20sides%20for%20a%20fitted%20silhouette

    2. High neck with a keyhole is pretty limiting, since they are kind of opposites.

      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/anne-klein-womens-solid-twist-neck-3-4-sleeve-top?ID=16910645&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&trackingid=&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_Womens_PLA&m_ag=&m_cn=GS_Women%27s_Tops_PMax_PLA&m_pi=go_cmp-21995856148_adg-_ad-__dev-c_ext-_prd-91309291190USA&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAgdC6BhCgARIsAPWNWH2LQJ8DSadVveGictBHB-FTWv0u6RRaah792bzDMWpIftoOsfSvKNAaAuIiEALw_wcB

  8. Headed to NYC for a few days between Christmas and New Year’s. Visiting a friend who has to work so will be on my own most days. What festive things should I do?

    1. They have a fun winter village at Bryant Park. Lots of crafty vendors and hot chocolate and so on.

      2. We were there this weekend and it wall to wall people in an uncomfortable way Saturday afternoon. I’m sure that was peak crowd but I would def keep timing in mind.

  9. How do you find legit financial budgeting counseling? My sister is divorced and makes maybe 50K a year and over spends by about 50K a year. I’m scared she will lose her house before her kids are out of it. IDK how she can retire (will get something from social security based on her ex’s work record). She needs serious help and I can’t hire someone like Michele Singletary to have a come to Jesus talk with her. I know a lot of credit repair outfits are not legitimate credit counseling. What are search terms for good ones that might help her? She won’t take advice from me (just wants money) but might listen to a stranger.

    1. I don’t think unsolicited professional help is going to suddenly make her want to be financially responsible. Can you just start telling her no when she asks you for money?

      Maybe be prepared to help the kids if things become dire, and otherwise let consequences be her teacher. $50k is not nothing; she might not have much fun money but plenty of people make life work on that income.

      1. +1 she isn’t going to take advice from a financial advisor. She knows what the problem is, she just doesn’t want to change. If I were in your shoes, I’d say no to her requests for money but try to help the kids to the extent I could do so without hurting my own financial goals. Setting aside money for their education seems like an easy thing you can do if you have the means.

    2. Spending twice what you bring in is a massive amount of financial chaos, and addressing it will be painful and difficult. Has she done or said anything that gives you indication that she’s open to a conversation about change on this level? If not, and she doesn’t want to hear from you, I’m not sure there is much you can do, except offer to help her find someone, if she’s ever interested.

      (There is a regular poster whose mother, recently passed away, had been giving a daughter $50k a year without the other parent or other daughter knowing what was happening. Now the sister is demanding money from the estate, and the other daughter is concerned the sister would even deny the father care in order to get more money for herself. If this is your family, I’m so sorry. This is a very painful situation.)

    3. You can’t knock sense into people unfortunately. When she hits rock bottom suggested she does Dave Ramsey. It’s affordable to do it, about $150, and budgeting wise, it’s good at teaching the basics.

      1. Yeah, this is decent advice. I was going to suggest she tell her to start listening to the podcast. Yeah, I know…. but it would be a start.

        1. Any of the financial podcasts would basically work. Afford Anything with Paula Pant is pretty decent, Stacking Benjamins makes it fun and they always have guests with stories so something might strike a chord.

    4. Would she listen to a podcast? Somebody here mentioned I Will Teach You to be Rich and I’m completely addicted ted now.Lots of good advice even for singles. I think the name has changed to Money for Couples. You could suggest it to her as a fun voyeuristic listen.

  10. Hi! I need advice. I live in a rural-ish area, and for a lot of reasons, I have a junked car in my yard. It was a victim of COVID when I couldn’t get a mechanic appointment, lived in the middle of nowhere, we were quarantined, and my work was unpredictable and stressful, and the car was at the end of its life.

    It’s been a few years, the inside is covered in mold and mice poop, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. Usually the people you’d call would want it for parts but I’m not sure anything is usable. Are there places willing to take cars to just sit somewhere useless? I’d be willing to pay up to 1k. I just don’t know who or how. In northern Virginia (barely) if anyone has a specific suggestion.

    1. I live in the Maryland burbs and every corner I pass has a sign for “junk cars … call xxx-” or call your county/city waste disposal and see what they say. There are junk yards in Manassas, Stafford, and Woodbridge. If you need names and numbers I can ask dh when he comes in from playing with his latest clunker.

    3. I’d try one of those car donation charities, like kars for kidz or the like. I think they take anything.

    4. Some nonprofits take them. But you’d also be surprised what someone who is a mechanic will buy if you post it locally. They might want the parts for other projects but also can restore even very run down cars since they don’t have to pay for labor.

      1. This. If the car runs, even if poorly, you can sell it. Plenty of people are willing to put sweat equity into cleaning them up and making them work; others will buy them for parts.

        I live rural but on a busy road and have had great luck selling old clunkers just putting a piece of paper in the car window and parking near the end of my driveway. Something like $1,000 for a running, fixable, but dirty car.

  11. Please post your favorite tried an true lamb chops with mint jelly recipes and sides for Christmas dinner! I want to try that this year!

      1. Oh this community never fails to answer the question not asked. My family of four is not a crowd. If you cannot address what I asked, then scroll by. M-kay?

        1. This is the internet ma’am. Also, nowhere do you say it’s for four people, I’d infer a much bigger crowd for Christmas dinner. The beauty of this place is not all ideas are good ideas and people challenge that.

          1. Yes, this is the internet and you are still a jerk. Try harder to be a better person.

          2. How does telling someone that their choice of a meal for a crowd might not go over well make someone “a bad person.” Give me a break.

    2. Oh, so yummy!

      For Greek flavours:
      https://miakouppa.com/recipe-grilled-lamb-chops/
      https://www.foodbymaria.com/lamb-chop-recipe/

      Or you can do a rack of lamb rubbing it all over with a paste of garlic, dijon, rosemary, thyme, salt and pepper and cut into chops after – there are quite a few recipes online.

      Unsurprisingly given my handle, you can add maple syrup to any of the above.

      For sides – tiny green peas, prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, all the Greek sides (roasted lemon potatoes, greek salad, greens, etc etc), or mashed potatoes or pommes Anna (recommend this highly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jaunLL1K4g).

      I’m cooking a turkey but will put lamb chops on my list for soon!

    3. I love lamb but always make a roast not chops, so I can’t help there. But Dauphinoise potatoes and peas in cream sauce would both go really well. Hasselback potatoes would be fun as well.

      Are you planning to make your own mint jelly? It’s pretty easy.

  12. I am looking for suggestions for a podcast or audio book. I have to drive to a client site unexpectedly next week and want to make productive use of my 7-hour drive time. I would love to listen to something that would help me reflect on where I am at this point in my life and think about what I want to achieve in 2025. Any suggestions?

    1. I find a memoir by someone you admire (read by them!) is great for this. If you haven’t read Michelle Obama’s Becoming or Untamed by Glennon Doyle, I loved both.

  13. What are current professional norms around the use of Mrs./Ms. in the workplace? Would you coach a junior if they call a married attorney Mrs.?

    1. There may be regional differences, but my sense in DC is to default to Ms. That’s the safe choice unless you *know* the person goes by Mrs. something. Calling someone “Mrs.” seems presumptuous. For example, I am “Ms. [former name].” I did not take my second husband’s last name. So I am not legally “Mrs. [second husband’s last name],” nor am I “Mrs. [former name]”. In fact, the [former name] is actually my ex-husband’s last name that I didn’t change when we divorced. So calling me by that would be super odd and off putting.

    3. I absolutely would not coach them unless I was the Mrs. in question and strongly preferred Ms. I would not presume to project my preferences onto other women.

      1. That being said, if this is a woman they do not know the marital status of, they should be defaulting to Ms. anyway. And I’d think anyone you know the marital status of, you’d be on a first name basis with, which would make this question moot. But perhaps there’s a rare case where you’re in neither situation, like the wife of a coworker who is a client contact, and there, I think Mrs. is fine.

    4. I would absolutely (kindly) coach them, probably saying something like, “In professional contexts, it’s better to use ‘Ms.’ because it doesn’t refer to whether someone is married.”

      I’m a judge, and I internally roll my eyes when anyone uses “Mrs.” in a professional context (briefs, court, etc.). Does it affect the ruling? Of course not. But I think it’s unprofessional.

    1. The only way I have been able to deal with insurance carriers is because I am a lawyer who handles some commercial insurance claims for my clients and have a general sense of what buttons to push. I feel so much for people who don’t have the same background. There’s a start up company trying to help; they will generate claims letters for you.

  15. Anon looking for pretty teacups and china to spark extra morning joy – Thanks all for the reminder that I could probably find pretty chinaware in the thrift store. I stopped in a thrift store while holiday shopping yesterday and paid less than 4$ for a matching The Malay Noritake cup and saucer.

  16. Reporting back. A while ago someone asked what meal delivery services or meal planning apps people liked and I was following that thread very closely. I have a toddler who, while not traditionally picky, will stop eating a “dish” after a few times for a while. This made it hard to repeat meals every week or two. My big kid cannot eat anything even remotely spicy. We, adults, like spicy zesty food. I also have a busy job despite working from home and not much spare brainwidth.

    I’d previously tried HelloFresh, Green Chef, and Home Chef. Green Chef had the best flavors and ingredients but took me about as long as a cooking from scratch. I’d say it was bit tastier than my usual scratch due to sauces, which were good. Home Chef had the quickest meals, very basic, acceptable for kids nutritionally but really not enough flavor for me. Hello Fresh to was acceptably mediocre on flavors and cook time but huge bonus points for it being something DH can cook when I’m traveling. (He CAN cook but has sent himself to the ER more times than I care to say with bad knife handling despite having access to cut-proof gloves, sharp knives, and training; he also can’t plan anything to save his life, he would have to go shopping each day. If anyone knows what this symptom combo is called, let me know!). But overall I didn’t like any of the above well enough to stick with them for any length of time.

    After reading the discussion, I set out on a mission of finding my local “catering” type places where I could get dinner in a big box sort of thing. While one of them was amazing and delivered, their kitchen set on fire and they have been shut down for a year. For me the mental load with non-delivery places in a smaller town, meaning I had to go out of town to pick up, was too much for weeknight dinners.

    Since then, I’ve tried Hungry Root and Cook Unity. I was pleasantly surprised by both and doing a combination of them now. Hungry root’s credit system is really weird so you have no idea how much each meal costs but at the end of the day when I look at my credit card statement it’s about 160 for each week we use them (16 portions). Given that at least one meal will contain decent fresh fish, I feel pretty good about that. I’ve missed picking the meals and honestly they do just as good a job as me picking them which is defintiely not the case with Hello Fresh who tries to send me the gloppiest meals as default. The important thing to me is there will always be something nutritious the non-spicy kid can eat, and it often takes just a few minutes to put together.

    Which brings me to cook unity – their food is tasty, often spicy and tangy, without all that sugar-starch goo. It’s completely prepared, so we just have to heat up which is truly amazing. My 16 meals are 170 per week and I freeze half since they’re individually portioned, so we do every other week. Be warned that heat level labeling is non-existent, it may or may not contain the word “spicy” in the description of one of the components. The portions are satisfying but if you’re like me you will need to make a side salad to feel like the meal is complete. So at this point we’re HR day 1 for all, day 2 and 3 HR split between toddler and big kid while parents do CU, then day 4 hungryroot leftovers for big kid and CU for the rest. I cook day 5, we go out day 6, and day 7 is slow cooker something from Sat overnight. Oddly it doesn’t seem like we’re spending more money yet (about 3 months in). HR throws in a few snacks and we also have smith brothers delivery for milk, bread, and eggs. Oatmeal for breakfast.

    Hopefully this is helpful to someone. What has made your life easier recently?

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