Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Cashmere Variegated-Rib Midi Skirt

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1. What are your favorite soft bedding sets that can be purchased online? Looking for both a comforter and sheets that can be used all 4 seasons. Don’t mind buying a comforter and sheets separately if needed.

   I do have a a Costco membership… has anyone purchased their hotel grand comforter before?

   1. I love my linen sheets from Quince. I didn’t think I had opinions about sheets but these are great.

      1. We also like our Quince linen sheets – they’ve held up better than ones we had from Crate & Barrel. We also have a duvet cover from them, though, that our insert will not stay in. I’ve not had this problem with other covers, but still a chance that it’s user error…

   2. I would suggest a duvet and duvet cover rather than a comforter to get better quality and more sanitary to be able to wash the cover. I don’t think a single set of sheets for all seasons exist if you live somewhere that gets cold. Winter is flannel time and summer is cotton percale

      1. Comforters are also washable.

      2. Wait until you hit menopause…

         Honestly, I lived the first third of my life in Illinois and Michigan and never felt the need for flannel sheets. And my family was not profligate with heating (air conditioning is another story)….

         And duvets suck. They don’t have enough weight and your only option is too hot or too cold. I like a sheet, a lightweight blanket, and a cotton quilt, with or without another blanket on top if it’s really cold. It is essentially to have many layers to cope with the hot flashes!

         1. Amen to duvets suck.

         2. My down duvet is easily my heaviest layer! It does run too hot unless I crack the window though.

   3. Hotel collection from macy’s. I bought the duvet (i like the lightweight one even in winter), duvet cover and their sheets (supima cotton).

   4. I’ve been really happy with my sheets from The Company Store.

   5. For sheets, I like Better Home & Garden’s hygrocotton set. They’re soft but not fuzzy or linty. I do use flannel in winter though so I’m not sure if they’re warm enough for winter. They’re cheap enough that it’s not a big deal to get a separate comforter.

   6. Someone here recommended Cozy Earth. I just got the silk fill duvet and bamboo duvet cover. They’re both working well so far. They have bamboo sheets too but I’m waiting to see how the duvet cover wears. The fabric has a lovely flow to it but it’s not quite as soft as I expected, though I understand they soften more over time. The silk fill duvet (with extra fill) has been a little too cool for me this time of year, but it’s perfect with a fuzzy blanket on top. The duvet by itself is too warm for DH, so ymmv. I’m allergic to down so it was nice to find a fill option that felt a little more lush than polyester.

   7. Love my Target cotton sheets. I like the patterned sheets personally. Excellent quality for the price. I have both the percale and the sateen. Both are great.

   8. We love our Brooklinen sheets!

   9. Love our Target Threshold Performance Sheets.

   10. I love my lands end sheets. So soft and well made.

   11. Better Homes and Gardens Paisley Medallion Cotton Quilt (and separate matching shams) from Walmart in white.
       Laura Ashley Venetia Quilt set in various pale colors from various vendors.
       Poppy & Fritz sheet sets.
       LL Bean Percale cotton sheet sets.
       Enjoy!

   12. Love my West Elm duvet and duvet insert (opted for the warmest option since I’m always cold). Costco sheets are great, but only the cotton ones. Costco also sells polyester ones that feel plasticky.

2. IANAL but I know a lot of you are. My sister has a job but between her ex and her big being out of work at various times over the pandemic now has credit card debt of 80K, which is twice her take-home pay. I think a Chapter 13 stops interest in credit card debt and wouldn’t force her to sell her house (which she isn’t behind on and would let her kids stay in their schools — one is a senior and is banking on AP exams and grades for some college scholarships). And it would give her breathing room to figure some stuff out (eg — she and I may get $20K each from an inheritance from our grandmother that may help her make payments, etc). Are there downsides to at least discussing it with a lawyer (or is our understanding way off base). The interest on the CC debt may be catastrophic and dealing with that may help her really dig out of a hole. IDK how long a 13 stays on your credit (like she likely couldn’t co-sign any parent loans for her kids but TBH she shouldn’t be doing that anyway; the kids likely would qualify for Pell grants based on her situation of kids + low income).

   1. I definitely do not think that there is a downside to at least meeting with an attorney about a Chapter 13 or even a Chapter 7. I will say that, in my opinion, most bankruptcy firms are very mill-like. Meaning, there isn’t much in the way of personalized service to them. I’d try to find one that is more hands on and involved. Look for a small firm or solo specializing in Chapter 7/13’s in her area. Even a Chapter 7 would allow her to keep her house by reaffirming her mortgage. If she does the Chapter 13, her income has to be enough to make the monthly payments on all of the debt. But the only way that either of those options will work is if she has truly addressed the spending problem.

   2. Have you or she done the math to figure out if she can literally afford to stay in that house on $40k a year, even if she weren’t paying interest on the cc debt? It sounds like that would be a very painful conversation, because she wants to stay there. But is it even possible?

      1. OP here and I think that when her ex wasn’t paying alimony and child support, it was not feasible (but other options were at least as expensive and often required a school change and were in areas I wouldn’t want to leave younger kids home alone in (kids are old enough to be left alone, but some areas it’s not safe to be outside in)). Now that he is paying and she is working, I think that the math would work out except for everything she had to charge (which I think was literally everything) while he wasn’t paying and she had a job loss. [IDK whether he legit had a job loss or just took a cash paying job or his overtime got cut but now his accounts are garnished and he has a job he apparently wants to keep and their payroll people are very compliant.] I’m not disputing that she may also have a spending problem but I can see how things spiraled once she lost a job, so hopefully this would be a clean reset but I get that it may not solve things long-term and that would be on her.

         1. To me, 10K is a spending problem. The 80K, if that hasn’t been an issue otherwise, looks like the debt that people could run up quickly with something like medical debt (or a double-whammy like a job loss and a deadbeat ex). But medical debt is like the #1 cause of bankruptcy filings, among people who previously didn’t have problems (or major problems) running their finances responsibly.

      2. That brings up another issue: is there any way for her to increase her income? $40k a year is not fun for a young single person; that’s brutal for a family of 4.

         1. IDK how this works but I’d add in a part-time to pay off debt (and have done that myself with school loans when I first started working) but I bet that single-parents will say it’s just too hard to juggle all of that. I feel that with your kids are teens though, they may be less needy of your presence or more tolerant of your multi-tasking.

   3. Talk to an attorney. There is almost never any downside to speaking with a lawyer, except for the cost of the consultation.

      This isn’t one for the internet; a good bankruptcy lawyer can walk her through state-specific laws on what is excluded from bankruptcy, whether a ch. 7 or ch. 13 would be better, if it’s worth it to keep her house, how this impacts college financial aid, etc. No one here can give her that kind of advice; we don’t know her situation well enough.

   4. She definitely shouldn’t be co-signing loans, but I believe the max Pell grant is $8K, and then kids can take another $5500 in their name. Scholarships and merit aid may cover the rest, but kids should be prepared to consider super low-cost options, like the local school and living at home, as backups. FAFSA takes into account family size but no longer cares how many kids are in college at once.

      1. Actually if there is significant financial need the kids may do better at private schools with a policy of covering full need.

         1. That’s true! But not guaranteed. So, best to be realistic when compiling a list and include a couple options that they would be able to afford without significant school aid, in case it doesn’t materialize.

   5. Just in case it hasn’t been discussed, does she have equity in the house she can draw from to pay down the debt?

      1. OP here and maybe but with high interest rates now and a higher P&I, it may be one step forward and two steps back. Sadly.

         1. Sadly, while bankruptcy may buy her some time, it looks like she needs to sell the house and rent a 2 bedroom apartment. That is in her future…

            1. Not necessarily. This is not an economy where renting is always the answer. It’s still mething to look into, for sure, but it may work out differently.

            2. OP here and I think she sees that that is the long-term play, but wants to kick the can down the road until the last kid is out of the house. House is currently at a pre-COVID interest rate, so it makes the house cheaper to her than even a bad-area rental.

            3. Depends on when she bought the house. The rent for two bedroom apartments in my school district are higher than my mortgage because I bought when prices and interest rates were low.

            4. This is why a good attorney is key. Is she able to rent out the house and get a decent rental?

            5. IDK, It would make no sense for me, personally, to give up my low rate mortgage from 2020 and rent. Rents are astronomical right now, so the cost of me staying in my home, even after property taxes and fire insurance, is still cheaper than me renting.

            6. People forget about how much more expensive living in a house is than renting a two bedroom apartment. Property taxes/insurance are rising too, even if her rate is good. Utilities and house maintenance are much more expensive. She needs to cut her expenses dramatically and she desperately needs an emergency fund. She has no second income to help if she loses her job. What if her roof leaks tomorrow? She is really in trouble.

               Unless her husband is cutting her a huge check to make up for missed payments … enough to clear that debt and then some… she needs to get out.

            7. Folks are making the mistake of assuming the rent of a much smaller, less ideal 2 bedroom apartment will somehow be more expensive than a bigger and nicer entire house with at least 3 bedrooms in the same area. She needs to downsize in lifestyle.

               When most folks buy, they buy more. When they rent, they rent less.

3. I haven’t been on a first date in 8 years (single the last two). I have a date this Thursday night – setup by a mutual friend. I’m 39, size XS/S depending on brand, short brown hair, “winter” coloring per my mother. Date is dinner at a nice Americana spot downtown, no dress code. Ideas or links appreciated!

   1. The Talbots sweater dress featured here earlier is cute and nice. I might wear with heeled boots or lean in to my inner Beth Dutton with denim and boots and a sweater.

   2. Wide-legged black jeans, low heeled boots (pointed toe probably), deep v-neck silky blouse or cashmere sweater in a flattering color.

   3. Unfortunately, I have no style advice. However, I don’t think men generally care much about what’s trendy or what’s in and what’s out. Wear something that you feel confident in and that looks great on you. I think those are the most important things. Good luck!

   4. Wrap top and bootcut jeans or pants, snip toe low heel boots. Dangly earrings and a light necklace. Cozy oversized cropped zip topper. The plus about this outfit is you can make the V lower or zip your topper, handle a walk with the low heel boots if the date takes you there and be cozy in the chilly weather.

4. What do you use for makeup brushes when you travel? I am old enough now to need brow wax and a pencil – spoolie brush to fill in patchy brows. And a powder brush. I keep using snack size ziplocks because otherwise my travel pouches get way too grimey. But it feels so comical, like there is a more elegant solution that just eludes me. But makeup staining is no joke and a rogue pencil that became uncapped wrecked the one pretty pouch I had. Once burned, twice shy.

   1. I mean if you google ‘makeup brush travel pouch’ you will see there are approx 10 million products designed for this, but I personally also go with the Ziploc. They weigh nothing, take up no space, and do the job.

   2. I use the dagne dover toiletry bag. It’s washable and always seems to come clean. I’ve had for probably 5 years and still looks new. I’ve bought several it cosmetics brushes, especially dual ended ones that i just leave in bag for use while traveling.

   3. I travel a lot internationally and ziploc bags are what I use.
      I have purchased several transparent bags for liquids over the years, some came with the little refillable shampoo bottle sets you can find at the drugstore – but those pouches all break at some point, are sometimes stiffer than I like for tossing them in the carry-on or handbag, and the zippers usually don’t hold up. Often, there are gaps at the top, too.

      Ziplocs are practical, reusable, and cheap.

      I am also a person who reuses the thin grocery shopping bags to pack my shoes and main cosmetic bags in check-in luggage to prevent spillage/shoe dirt getting on my clothes.

   4. I just put them in my makeup bag, which is the same one I use for travel and don’t worry about it? If something gets especially gross, I’ll replace the bag but more often I just want a new bag before it’s necessary.

   5. Have tried a few things over the years. I just got back from traveling internationally and used this bag that has a separate section for brushes. I’ve also used it for domestic travel, but to me it was worth the weight in my bag. https://a.co/d/7hmeGi6

      A few friends also use these: https://a.co/d/37KMDZV

      Honestly, ziplocks are a lightweight option. I will say that when traveling internationally, I tend not to bring my nicer brushes.

   6. I travel a lot and I finally bit the bullet and bought a whole set of makeup and brushes to just keep packed in my travel bag. I have a small travel pouch that I got as a gift-with-purchase with some department store face cream and I use it for short trips when I don’t need to take much, and for longer trips I have the expensive Tumi version of this: https://www.amazon.com/PACKISM-Hanging-Travel-Toiletry-Bag/dp/B0DG9C5223/

   7. If you look, you’ll find all kinds of clear plastic or vinyl make up cases with zippers. I like to use this because I can see everything, and I can also wipe them out if they get any smudgy stuff on them. That said, I do clean my brushes and don’t transport dirty brushes if I can avoid it. My personal favorite is the Sephora daily brush spray

5. I’m not a smoker but my face around my mouth has skin that isn’t smooth and plump any more. Makeup just seems to settle in to the point where I’m hesitant to wear more than sunscreen due to looking like a deflated skin-colored balloon after just an hour or so. I’ve tried age-defying and blurring products, but they just settle in everywhere in my face with movement — particularly below my lower lip, the marionette lines, eyes. Just Botox everything? Don’t move or eat or talk? Sunscreen, even if slightly tinted, does OK but any color cosmetics are the devil.

   1. this is a skincare issue, not a makeup solution. What’s your moisturizing routine like?

   2. Moisturizer + primer before your makeup.

      1. What’s a good primer for older skin? I swear I see ones aimed at club-level eye makeup or heavy contouring for much younger skin and not for “I’m old and have creases and pores but still oily skin”.

         1. Benefit Pore-fessional, or DHC Velvet Skin Coat. The Velvet Skin Coat especially is very “slippery” and not cakey. I have terrible pores, and it really keeps foundation from settling into them.

   3. Have you tried hyaluronic acid serum applied to wet skin?

      Does staying hydrated help?

      Some people swear by peptide serums, but I can’t tell how much they help. Personally I do notice a difference if I’m taking my vitamins. I am also a fan of astaxanthin.

   4. The trick that I thought I learned here was liquid foundation + separate moisturizer, mix it in your palm, apply to face

      It may not solve all the pro problems but have you tried it

   5. I’m looking at sculptra for this, anyone tried it? I’ve been doing botox for prevention too.

   6. Check out the YouTuber Hot & Flashy, Angie. She deals with both skincare and makeup for aging skin and shows you how products work/look on her skin.

   7. If I was you I would start with a topical retinol for 12 weeks and if that didn’t improve things enough I would probably see a dermatologist about a laser treatment or chemical peel. You could spend a lot of money on make-up or you could try to fix the underlying problem. I wonder about sculpta also, but I have no personal experience. I think a dermatology visit to come up with a plan and prescriptions would be your best use of time.

   8. In addition to other suggestions made, I will add that I swear sleeping next to a humidifier makes my skin look more dewy.

6. We’ve decided to replace our older Subaru with a hybrid car. Top priorities are AWD, spacious enough for two adults and one kid with occasional guests, and suitable for mostly suburban driving with trips to go skiing and camping as well. We also really want something without too much touchscreen BS and with minimal road noise – our Subaru is noisy. What’s your favorite crossover size hybrid? So far we’re eying the Honda CRV, Toyota RAV4, and Hyundai Tucson.

   1. Love my CRV! Backseat feels large like the second row on a minivan.

      Had a RAV as a rental and hated it. Had a Rogue as a rental and loved the comfy seats but there isn’t a dealer near me.

      1. How’s the balance between a touchscreen and knobs? We really prefer physical controls for at least things like AC and volume.

         1. I feel the balance is knob-heavy. Touch screen is mainly music (but not in/off or volume — a knob does that). I like it. .

      2. I have a 2024 hybrid accord and there’s knobs for AC and volume (console and steering wheel). We LOVE this car and the fuel efficiency is amazing.

   2. We have a Honda crv. Actually, we like it enough that we have 2. I don’t regret it.

      1. I’ve been thinking about this. My husband is a cat guy and even he can’t stop raving about how good the CRV is.

   3. On the CRV. It has a 1.5” hitch but you can get a converter to make it a 2” receiver (what we needed for prior purchases).

   4. Random entry into the mix: Mazda CX90 PHEV. Just got one bc I could get a model that seats eight and that’s what I needed, and eight-seat hybrid options are very limited. You may not need something that big. I’m a former Subaru driver and loved my Subaru; Mazdas handle similarly but better IMHO. They may have a smaller version. Worth checking out!

      1. We have a Mazda CX-9 (the older version of the 90) and we love it. We test drove a lot of cars and the Mazda was the smoothest of them all. It was also the least expensive, though not by much. We have zero complaints and when it’s time to trade in our HR-V (which we do not like at all) it will be for the CX-90

         1. Agreed on the HR-V. IDK who that car is aimed at based on the inside, but it like all that they got right with the CR-V, Honda got wrong with the HR-V.

      2. Absolutely love my plug-in Mazda CX90. We purchased the top tier and everything seems so luxe without breaking the bank. My husband made a great point when we were looking for a new car – Toyota and Honda have luxury brands (Lexus and Acura) , so they have to save all their upgraded tech and finishes for those. Mazda does not, so it can splurge and go all out on its top tier for the price of an entry level luxury car. I think Mazda uses Toyota’s hybrid technology, so it should be tried and true. The five-seater CX50 is now a hybrid. I drove a CX5 for 11+ years, and it was amazing – drove like a sedan, but had enough space for all the passengers and cargo you would need.

   5. I have a hybrid Volvo XC 60 and I LOVE it. I also didn’t want a ton of screen/tech and it’s been perfect. The technology runs on an android system so Google maps is built into the car. You can use Google-based voice commands to respond to texts, input destinations, turn on certain music, etc. so you don’t even need to use the screen.

   6. We hated the RAV and the CR-V and ended up with the Toyota Corolla Cross hybrid, which feels much less like a box on wheels.

      1. What did you not like about the CR-V (and what was better re the Corolla-Cross)?

         1. It was very boxy with tiny windows and poor visibility. Interior fit and finish was cheap. The sunroof took up all the headspace in the back seat. The Corolla Cross is no luxury vehicle either, but it is a little nicer and feels easier to drive. It is less expensive so I didn’t feel like a chump paying over $40K for a garbage car.

   7. I got a 2025 CRV hybrid a few months ago and I love it. Mine is the Touring model. I used to drive a 2011 Accord, so it’s a huge upgrade. There are knobs to adjust the volume and temperature controls. It doesn’t seem noisy on the road it’s very quiet in EV mode.

      I have the Sirius XM app and it automatically connects via Bluetooth or I can plug my phone in. The hands free call quality is good.

      Other than initial setup, I don’t need to mess much with the touchscreen.

   8. Audi A3

      1. I have an A3 and the back seat is not really big enough for more than occasional kids.

   9. Surprised by the lack of the love for the Rav4. I’ve had one for 10 years and I love how low maintenance it is. It’s only required the most basic of routine maintenance. My mom, sister, and mother-in-law have also all have Rav4s and we all love them. I think the back seat is a decent size and a large trunk. My husband has a Rogue and it’s fine. Overall, he likes it but it’s required more work over the years so I still like the reliability of the Rav4 better.

      1. A 10-year old RAV is not the same as the current model. My old RAV was my favorite car ever. The new one is a piece of cheap cr@p.

   10. Have a 2024 tuscon hybrid. Love it. Drove an Audi q5 for 12 years before. Test drove rav4, crv, Volvo c60, Lincoln Corsair. I wanted a hybrid, but not a plug in. And I don’t drive enough to warrant spending Audi money again. I really like the Tuscon so far. More features and feels more substantial. It does have more touchscreen than knobs. However, it does have quite a few buttons on the steering wheel that are alternate controls and I haven’t figured all of those out yet.

7. Paging the poster asking about Singapore divorce lawyer.

   The local Oracle FB expat group has recommendations. However I hope the person has a valid employment pass or visa to stay on, if needed. Because if they’re on a dependent visa linked to the cheating spouse EP, they’re pretty much at the mercy of whoever has sponsored their stay.

   1. Thank you!

8. Has anyone gotten a coat from Rain Sisters? I love the designs but don’t know if it is good or just something with a good website but bad products (SHEIN, etc.).

   1. I ordered one for Mother’s day a few years back and they really are lovely coats. Lining is very soft and silky and it is a much softer fabric than a traditional goretex. I don’t think it’d be waterproof in a torrential downpour but I’ve worn it in steady rain/wind with no issues. I also get loads of compliments every time I wear it and it’s much more fun than my trench coat.

9. Do you need to invite all colleagues to after hours work things?

   I host a cookie social for work colleagues every year. This year one particular new staff has the strictest work life delineation I’ve ever experienced, I literally know nothing about this woman, I’ve tried so hard but all I really got is that she likes cheesy movies. I’m not comfortable inviting her into my home, she is a master at evading basic questions. Seriously I can’t even get her opinion on COOKIES! Do I need to suck it up and invite her? Or am I being BEC? Maybe I’m the weird one and ones opinion on snickerdoodles versus chocolate crinkles is actually private info.

   1. If you invite everyone it would be weird to leave her out. If you are the boss, it’s not right to leave people out. If you are not the boss and just invite a subset of colleagues, that’s fine.
      Make it clear that there is no pressure, and she probably won’t attend anyway.

      1. I am not the boss, colleague is actually senior to me, but not on my direct team/reporting structure.

   2. If you always invite the whole team, you need to include her, but given her privacy/standoffishness, it’s unlikely she’ll accept. No?

      1. Yeah. And I have a similar person in my office. No way they are eating homemade cookies.

   3. I truly don’t think you can invite the entire team except one person, that just smacks of mean girl behavior. You’re allowed to not like her, you’re allowed to think she’s odd but I would invite her for the sake of office harmony. Do you truly think she’s going to do something to you/to your home? I just don’t see how private and awkward translate into ‘I’m worried about having her in my home’

   4. Of course you invite her. Having boundaries isn’t a crime and it doesn’t mean she’s not a good person or that she doesn’t deserve to be included.

      1. Sure don’t tell your colleagues about your personal life but being secretive about snacks is weird.

         1. Maybe she truly had no opinion about those cookies. OP is the one being weird here – “I don’t feel comfortable with her in my home” seems like a serious overreaction to a nothingburger.

            1. Seriously, what the heck folks?!? This is work. Not your Kindergarten class.

      2. Well, this demonstrates how maybe those boundaries aren’t a good idea. OP, given the additional info that you’re not the boss and she’s not on your team, fine to not include her.

      3. Sharing literally nothing about yourself isn’t just having boundaries, it’s being cold and off putting. There are so many non-private things you could share – tv shows you are watching, books reading, favorite sports teams, what you like to eat. None of that is actually private information

         1. In my experience there are right and wrong answers to all of those questions.

            1. Seriously? There are right and wrong answers for what TV show you watch? Most people aren’t going to judge you stuff like that.

            2. I promise you’re just thinking all of the TV shows you wouldn’t think were the wrong answer to the question. Not watching any TV is also a “wrong answer” for a lot of people.

            3. 11:42, yeah, there are. Not per se, but for being viewed how you want to be at work? You know you don’t answer Below Deck when grandboss is chatting TV.

            4. As an “I don’t really watch TV person,” that is definitely a wrong answer.

            5. A little example for all those who have “wrong answers” to that question.
               “What tv shows do you like to watch?”
               “Oh, I don’t watch much tv, but when I was a kid I loved X. What shows did you watch as a kid?” or “I’d rather read than watch tv, lately I’ve been on a {topic} kick. Do you know much about it?”
               It’s about the artful redirect – they shared something about themselves, you share something about yourself and give them an opening to continue the conversation.

            6. At 4:04, I get that this can work if there’s something else relatable to share (and if it’s really a social occasion because sometimes opening the conversation up in a new direction is a lot for the water cooler!). But it can really fall flat if the the redirect is to something else that doesn’t pass the test!

            7. Basically, you’re not wrong about how to do conversations! But a lot of people are looking for common ground in these really brief interactions, and if it’s not really there, it can be painful to strike out repeatedly.

            8. I have a c-suite position and I love when people talk about shows like below deck, you’d be surprised how human most of us actually are.

   5. If you invite everyone at work you have to invite everyone at work. If this is more your social thing for friends and you invite a couple colleagues you are friends with, that’s fine.

   6. I would invite all colleagues. Please don’t leave someone out because they are not giving you personal information – you may not know what’s in her past work life or personal life that makes her so private. She may choose to not join your social event, but if you’re inviting the other colleagues, you most definitely should invite her.

      And another thought: If someone asked me an opinion about specific cookies, I wouldn’t know the answer, either. I’m an immigrant and have family recipes for Xmas cookies from my home country, but I don’t know what any of those, I assume American, cookie names above are.

      1. This is a fair point, she may not know what all these cookies are and felt awkward about it. Which is actually a perfect excuse to invite her . . . .

         1. Oh come on this is ridiculous. Every culture had a cookie. A decision to be antisocial at work has consequences.

            1. How much people share at work vs. how private they are varies massively culturally. Being very open and friendly and treating colleagues like trusted friends is an Anglo thing that people from other backgrounds comment on all the time.

            2. Presumably she is working in the United States and needs to learn the art of small talk.

            3. I don’t have a culture that has a cookie.

      2. This is a very good point, you never know what’s going on with someone . And despite growing up in the Midwest where cookies and bars were ubiquitous and being a pretty good cookie baker myself, I just had to google chocolate crinkle cookies to figure out what they were. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them, but I’m quite sure I’ve never actually eaten one! I’m not a big chocolate person, so I would never chose one off a plate or decide to make something like that personally. We don’t all have the same points of reference.

         1. I’ve never heard of a crinkle cookie. I just googled it and I’m certain I’ve never eaten one.

         2. I’m a baker and never heard of them either!
            Also an immigrant in the US since childhood, and there’s still a shocking amount of cultural stuff that I’m still completely lost on. For example, I watched the wizard of oz for the first time this weekend, and I’m over 40.

      3. Thank you for your first paragraph.

         My personal life is a train wreck that ran into a dumpster fire. It isn’t appropriate for me to get into it at the office, and yet, many colleagues do not get the hint that I don’t want to “bond” by talking about the drug use, alcoholism, violence, CPS visits, etc that made up my childhood and are the reason I’m estranged from my family.

         Just assume that a grown adult has their reasons for not answering your questions.

         1. I had a similar childhood and it not difficult to make conversation without mentioning it. Literally no one other than my husband knows. Very few people have ever asked why I don’t mention one of my parents, and a quick “they’re not in the picture” shuts any questions right down.

      4. If you don’t know what a specific cookie is, then it’s perfectly acceptable to say so. There are some types of cookies that are known by different names. That just keeps the conversation going and you learn about a new cookie and maybe you share something about food or traditions that is specific to your culture.

   7. seeing your note above that this isn’t a “boss + reports” situation, I would include her if she’s a notable omission – like you’re inviting her area but not her, that would look petty.

   8. I’d err on the side of decency and kindness.

      1. +1. It doesn’t sound like she’ll accept.

      2. I think this is the answer.

         1. Yes – yes it is.

   9. I don’t think someone not sharing many personal details would be a reason to not include them. Presumably they’re able to hold down a professional job, so I would not think there was a safety issue. While it would be nice if they were a little more forthcoming, there probably aren’t many cookie opinions that would warrant banning someone from your house – even if they prefer crunchy chocolate chip cookies over chewy.

      1. It seems I gave a bad example and everyone is focusing on it, it’s not about an opinion on cookies it’s about an opinion on anything. Colleague will never contribute to any non work conversation ever no matter how benign. Won’t mention a favorite out door activity, preferred hobby, interior design style, coffee shop she likes frequenting etc.

         The mismatched intimacy of my inviting her to my home when she doesn’t even trust me enough to tell me even the most banal fact is probably my sticking point.

         1. This sounds like so much chit chat at work to me. I think the only answer I have to those questions is that I go on walks!

         2. I’m wondering if you could take a step back, and reframe the dynamic with her as something other than a question of intimacy and distrust?

            Can you think of any other reasons that she’s not saying this stuff, other than that she personally distrusts you? That’s an interpretation of her actions, but there are many, many other reasons that could be in play.

         3. Okay, this is weird, I don’t have favorites of any of those things either. I don’t really have favorites of most things, though I definitely have no shortage of opinions, and I don’t think I’d respond well if someone kept pushing that kind of questioning. Can’t you just have a normal conversation instead of interrogating her about her favorite things? Talk about the weather or something and go from there.

            1. I’m never interrogating her, lol. It’s always group conversations where one colleague will say something like ‘I’m painting my bathroom this weekend’ so everyone will chime in with various comments on painting. Or a someone will say they’re running a 5k so the group will discuss outdoor activities.

            2. Probably because she doesn’t do outdoor activities, own a house, or go to coffee shops. It sucks to have to say that you’re the weirdo who doesn’t fit in with everyone else! It’s a little mean to hold that against her if she’s pleasant otherwise.

            3. What you do when you don’t participate in the thing people are talking about is ask questions, “I’ve never heard of a crinkle cookie! Are they hard to make? Are they chewy or hard, I personally dislike hard cookies.” Or “omg, I’m impressed you’re painting a room, how did you pick the color?” You engage with people, you don’t have to have experience in anything. It’s acting interested that makes the difference between a good and bad colleague.

            4. @ Anon 10:34 precisely what I’m trying to get at, but admittedly poorly. We’ve discussed books, cleaning, cooking etc, too it’s not possible for my colleague to have no experience in every discussion the group has ever had.

            5. I’m guessing I’m wondering why you’re having all these huge group discussions at work about painting your bathroom and things like that. Just get to work.

               Sounds like she just wants to keep her head down and work.

               I’m a chatty person and I’m a friendly person, but I would be annoyed by big group discussions all the time if I were trying to get stuff done.

            6. 12:04, you never start chatting with someone in the hallway and then another friendly colleague or two walk by and join? Those kind of 5-10 min chats are really normal everywhere I’ve worked…

         4. She might just be really shy or socially awkward. I doubt it’s because she doesn’t trust you.

            1. This is my thought, too. I’m curious whether she said, “I don’t want to share my opinion about cookies.” Or if she simply didn’t answer while others were talking about it. Those are very different in my mind!

         5. You appear to be ascribing bad intent (“doesn’t respect me”) to something that sounds like standard, run of the mill shyness or social awkwardness.

            1. +1. She’s not being shy AT OP.
               OP – as others have said, invite her. She’ll probably decline.

            2. Never underestimate how hard social chit chat can be for some people. I think it’s vanishingly unlikely she will accept the invitation, so the kind thing to do is just invite her.

            3. Amen. This sounds like shyness and given how OP thinks i can understand why the coworker is shy!

         6. It sounds like she’s shy, feels awkward jumping into conversations, or isn’t interested in the convos you all typically have – not that she doesn’t trust you. Have you ever asked her an open-ended question in a one on one setting? If you’re actually interested in getting to know her I’d give that a try.

         7. You sound like you really hate her for things she isn’t doing AT you. Seriously. I recommend you reflect more on why she triggers you so much.

            1. Yeah, I really don’t get this post at all.

               If anything, the OP stresses me out a little. Like, why is she so intrusive trying to find out what my hobbies are, what my bathroom looks like, what cookies I eat. This is work folks. So judge-y.

               The last time my workmates were this “interested” they were trying to find out everything about me to set me up with one of my supervisors behind my back. Thanks workmates. Did not end well.

         8. I think your colleague is weird and kind of off-putting (there are ways to make /some/ personal chitchat without getting into overly personal life stuff, no matter what your personal situation is), but yeah, you can’t invite “everyone except Jane”. Sounds like she’s unlikely to come though!

         9. I honestly think you’re demanding too much intimacy from a coworker and maybe you need to think about why it’s important to you. Leave her alone, don’t invite her, but don’t take it personally. You just work together. She doesn’t owe you anything. You’re coming across a bit mean girl here frankly

   10. Even if she’s not a sharer, it hurts to be the only one left out. Invite her, it doesn’t sound like she’ll accept. And if she does accept, maybe it will be an opportunity for her to open up more?

       1. This is my thought. Err on the side of kindness unless there’s a real reason not to?

   11. This sounds a little BEC to me. If she’s really this private, she’ll decline the invitation, so you won’t have to worry about having her in your home anyway. If she does show up, you’ll surely get to know her better?

       I don’t eat cookies and don’t know what those cookies are.

       1. Then you just laugh and say I don’t know what those cookies are. And say I love whatever you like. It’s not that hard to be friendly.

          1. I’m sure this colleague didn’t glare silently at OP and stomp away. Sometimes super social people at the office get super confused and perplexed when others aren’t like that.

             1. Right! I’m very very good at small talk, but I recognize that really a lot of people struggle. It’s something I was taught and actively have worked at. I don’t begrudge others who don’t have the same skills.

          2. Admitting you don’t know about the topic of conversation can be scary for people, too. Really all depends on the specific circumstances someone grew up in, but can also be exacerbated by previous workplace norms, etc.

          3. It is hard, when you are awkward.

   12. I’m Jewish, American born and I don’t know what a snickerdoodle is, sorry. Any other cookies that are even more specific to Christmas go over my head. I can distinguish between rugelach, kokosh cake and multiple kinds of babkas though.

       1. I learned about them when a midwestern colleague brought some in a few years ago! They are delicious and now one of my favorites. She did look at me like I had 3 heads when I said OMG I love these what are they. Which is perhaps why OP’s colleague doesn’t share much — it’s exhausting to constantly hear “you’ve never painted a room? you don’t like the outdoors, drink coffee, or eat cookies?”

   13. She could be on the autism spectrum and it would suck to get excluded for that.

       1. I’m actually autistic! I can tell you my colleague certainly is not.

          1. Maybe? Two people with autism can have less in common than two people without.

             But in general, the double empathy problem goes both ways.

             1. The speed at which she lies and deflects is very uncharacteristic of ASD. I’ve never seen this colleague stuck or processing.

             2. Knee jerk lying and evasiveness does sound kind of squirrelly to me and worse than just being private or not answering questions.

                Lying also helps me understand the discomfort with inviting her into your home! Some people in my life who came across this way became relatively high drama eventually so it feels like a bigger red flag.

             3. So now OP is making up more reasons not to invite this poor woman. Jeez. Grow up and invite everyone or don’t have a party.

          2. Then you’d think you’d have a little more empathy for people who don’t fit in.

          3. This has become so so AAM. Now you’re diagnosing whether or whether not your quiet coworker is on the spectrum? Jesus, get back to work. Stop being all up in people’s business and leave your poor coworker in peace.

          4. Maybe your autism is causing you to be hyperfocused on what you perceive to be her deceptive responses to you. As others have said, it doesn’t seem like she is being actively hostile “AT” you. Leave her alone, stop being so pushy to get her to respond the way YOU would like. But if it would be obvious you are excluding her, please be kind and go ahead and invite her to the office “off-site” cookie party at your place. Trust me, it’s a low-risk invitation. Good luck!

             1. +1

                Yes, OP – you are really having trouble reading the room here. Please just be polite to your co-workers, and not intrusive if they are not choosing to participate. It’s work. Be kind. You never know what is going on with other people.

   14. Invite her and let her be weird and antisocial.

       1. Yes, invite her. See below.

          I agree that adults should learn small talk – it doesn’t even have to be true! I am not excited about Christmas but in a work situation I just say, Oh yes, love seeing all the lights on the houses, or something noncommittal like that. I don’t say to colleagues, Christmas is a drag and I can’t wait for it to be over. As a teen and very young adult, I thought it was so hypocritical to not be absolutely truthful when small-talking – but then I grew up.

          I worked at a place once where they had a baby shower for three pregnant women in my department. All the women in my department were invited to go out for lunch for the shower, except for me and one or two other women (in a department with maybe 20 or so women. And I knew and was work-friendly with two of the women. I didn’t really care because I was pretty fed up with the job at that point, but a couple of the men working there noticed and thought it was very weird and petty. So think about how others may perceive you for excluding just one person, even if it’s highly likely she won’t accept.

       2. I feel like this is why work parties are kind of fun. She might show up and surprise you and make an effort. Maybe she’ll be a little awkward but gracious. Maybe she’ll connect better with someone out of the office. You never know!

   15. You have enough opinions and can do what you want but I’d err on the side of kindness here. I have a sibling that’s like this and while it def comes off rude and uninterested, it is a combo of lifelong shyness and social awkwardness to where she didn’t develop any friend skills and now as a middle age woman she def does feel left out. IDK if she’s as bad as this woman bc I assume that in the workplace if someone asked her her favorite cookie she’d respond. But the fact that she’d basically just answer and not say anything else to continue the conversation, would never jump in if someone directly didn’t ask her a question – does make her come across unfriendly when she really would like friends and can’t figure out how. So YMMV but this woman could have those kinds of social issues.

       1. My sister is exactly like this but in the opposite direction — she will just make the most awkward conversation possible nonstop until people just RUN. Even I can only take her in small doses and I feel terrible about it.

   16. I don’t think you are required to invite all coworkers to social outings, but I do think it would be weird and rude to invite everyone but her. If you’re only inviting a handful of coworkers, it is fine to leave some out IMO.

       1. I would use this year as an opportunity to skinny down your work invite list to those people you actually want to be friends with outside of work. Invite those couple of people and your other friends outside of work. Problem solved.

          1. +1.

   17. Your co-worker sounds like a commenter on Ask A Manager. I would invite her and most likely she will opt out.

       1. lol OP sounds like an AAM commenter.

          1. Agree

   18. OP,
       You went from saying she’s private to then saying she’s a liar. Clearly you hate her. Just don’t invite her and be known as the office bully. Own it.

       1. It’s quite a stretch to call OP the office bully for making normal small talk. She’s allowed to not like this person as long as she keeps her feelings to herself. There’s people at my work who I don’t like, but I keep my interactions professional. You’re not a bully just because you don’t like someone.

          1. I don’t think this is normal, honestly. We don’t talk like this at work.

       2. OP is annoying the ever loving crap out of me already, and I’m a very social person at work. She sounds like a queen bee with not enough work to do because she’s really focused on all this office socializing.

          1. Right. What kind of lying anyway? About work stuff or to avoid answering personal questions?

             I would absolutely lie to a person asking questions that were none of their business.

             1. Me too. I’ve lied about having a boyfriend before just so people stopped being so intrusive.

       3. But did she lie about the cookies?!!!

          1. hehehe

   19. I think it’s gross that you were even considering being exclusive.

       Have a small group and invite just your work friends or have a big group and invite the whole department but don’t single someone out.

       Always take the path of kindness

   20. Obviously you can’t exclude just one person. That’s a lesson you should have learned in kindergarten.

       1. +1, what on earth

   21. I’m going to tell you that as an introvert already, when I’m going through personal things I definitely don’t want to engage more in conversation. When I started a new job right after my mom died, I didn’t want to have lots of personal conversations either. Maybe that’s not what is happening to her, but yes, it is sometimes too much for people to respond well I’m spending my weekend taking care of a loved one or dealing with xyz and not having any fun on my weekends. She possibly could make something up but that’s exhausting. I also wouldn’t have come to holiday parties either because I was extremely sad at the holidays and wanted them to go away. But you can’t tell people that either. At least be polite and invite her, but respect the no and don’t center yourself.

   22. You don’t need to invite your whole office to a party at your house, but it’s obviously cruel to invite everyone but one person. Please don’t do that.

10. Anyone want to shop for me? I want to get a Hawaiian shirt for my nephew that he can wear on vacation. He’s 13 and wears a men’s size Medium. Looking for a shirt with a large floral/tropical print in a breathable material like cotton or linen. Budget is $30.

    1. Check Pacsun and Aeropostale.

    2. You might be out of season, but American Eagle and Express have this type of thing.

    3. The quick Google search I did listed some at Gap, Amazon, Macy’s, Tommy Bahamas, Walmart, and several specialty stores’ websites. My dad and I have also found some at Old Navy for a funeral, although this was in the middle of summer for the northern hemisphere.

    4. Amazon has a ton

11. In need of fiction/non-fiction/podcast recs!

    I’m the OP from last week who caught my (ex)BF cheating on me, and a week before that I turned in my MFA thesis, so I suddenly have a ton of time on my hands. Not ready for anything with a speck of romance in it, and also looking for things that are well-written, but less intellectual/”easier” reads.

    I like mystery novels but otherwise don’t really like genre books, some of my favorites are Sally Rooney, Ann Patchett (though I’ve only read Bel Canto and The Dutch House), Tana French, Ottessa Moshfegh.

    Non-fiction I love Jon Krakauer and adventure-type books, and am also fascinated with books about disasters.

    Podcasts I listen to true-crime nonsense, and really like spooky/creepy things.

    Any ideas for something I can really fall into and get lost in for a while?

    1. Erik Larson is an author I recommend a lot for non-fiction – Dead Wake is my personal fave but Isaac’s Storm was also gripping.

       Shadow Divers also falls in the Jon Krakauer adventure-y style.

       For a variety of interesting trivia sprinkled with humor, Bill Bryson’s more recent books like At Home etc.

    2. I don’t have any recommendations, just a question that I always long to ask people who like spooky/creep things: What makes them enjoyable? I personally hate suspense/fear, so I can’t imagine deliberately seeking it out. What makes it fun for you? (genuine question!)

       1. Not OP, but I like suspense and fear. The tension is exciting. The theory behind the popularity of horror movies is that it allows you to experience fear and catharsis in a controlled setting. To me this is the same as watching a movie that makes you cry because the physical release is enjoyable.

          For OP, I’ve been on a Chernobyl kick lately, and I liked the audiobook of Midnight in Chernobyl. I kind of let the physics and engineering/architecture stuff just wash over me though. I also looooooved Birnam Wood by Eleanor Catton, it’s an eco-thriller conspiracy novel but literary.

          1. I am TRYING to read Birnam Wood, but cannot get into it. Give me some motivation to keep going?

             1. I loved the fairly equal-opportunity satire of both lefty-infighting and tech bro billionaires. It was much funnier than I expected it to be. The last third or so takes off like a thriller, which I also didn’t expect. Pretty much all the characters are villains to some degree, which I love but some people find exhausting.

          2. For me, it’s the reasoning above, that I get to experience fear and catharsis in a controlled setting.

             I had a VERY traumatic event happen to me (I witnessed a murder) and for a while, years later, was kind of obsessed with the kind of horror that skirted the edges of what I saw. Looking back on it, this was a way for me to process my trauma in a setting where no real person would get hurt and I wouldn’t freak anyone else out by talking about a real thing.

             Also, a lot of horror can be about grief, which I struggle with as well. It helps think about those ideas and concepts as well for me.

       2. I think it must be people who don’t have anxiety and they find the feeling to be a rush.

          1. I love the genre, don’t have anxiety but also don’t get a rush? That’s an odd take. I find the stories interesting and it doesn’t stress me out or anything to read them.

          2. Tons of relatively anxious people are into true crime though!

    3. I’ve been listening to the audiobook of A House with Good Bones, by T Kingfisher, courtesy of Libby. It’s an easy southern gothic with no romance

    4. Have you tried Stephen King books? I think they fit your criteria/interests. Well written but easier reads, long, totally different universe to fall into, somewhat of a mystery with spooky/creepy/supernatural twists. DH is a big fan and I listen to the books with him on long road trips. I was originally really skeptical since I do not enjoy supernatural or fantasy but I do enjoy many of them, especially the more recent books. Fairy Tale is really good. We also really like the Holly series books.

    5. You’ll like anything by David Grann, especially The Lost City of Z. After you read that get “Expedition Fawcett” on Kindle – the actual, very entertaining book that the subject of The Lost City of Z wrote about the trip. It’s amazing how a 100+ year old adventure travel book holds up!

    6. You might like the podcast Unexplained, if you haven’t tried it already. The host has a great voice and the stories are creepy/atmospheric/immersive.

    7. Liz Moore is right up your alley! Her writing reminds me of Tana French. Long Bright River and The God of the Woods.

       If you want to get lost in a series, the Neapolitan Novels by Elena Ferrante are truly excellent.

       Well-written, engrossing long reads: Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver and Life After Life by Kate Atkinson

       As someone who also listens to a lot of true crime nonsense…The Deck Investigates season 1, Counter Clock, Undetermined, To Live and Die in LA, and Denise Didn’t Come Home.

       1. God of the Woods was one of my top reads of the year! I also liked her other book, Long Bright River.

          On disaster books – the new one about the Challenger is on my Christmas list (I am a space program nerd).

       2. Thank you!! I loved Demon Copperhead and Life after Life, so will take a look at the others!

    8. Try the Inspector Gamache series from Louise Penny! (I dabble in true-crime nonsense and also love Tana French and Ottessa Moshfegh.) I listened to them all in audiobook format and have found the narrators to be fantastic so far.

       1. Oooh thank you!

    9. For spooky/creepy, check out The Magnus Archives.

       1. Oh I’ve heard good things about this one, I will check it out, thanks!

    10. I’m listening to a creepy podcast called The White Vault right now – I can’t say what the conclusion will be like, because I’m not there yet, but it’s been really engrossing for my morning walks!

    11. The Power of One by Bryce Courtney – my library had a longer and a shorter version. Read the longer, original version. While it sounds like a self-help book, it’s fiction. Zero romance. Well written. I’ve read it three times.

    12. River of Doubt.

        Also, for something completely different – Hench. It’s hard to describe, but it’d be great after a break-up. Protagonist is an exec assistant to a supervillain and she ends up taking on the patriarchy , kind of.

    13. check out The Fifth Season – dystopian/fantasy-ish novel that definitely has a creepy element! It’s part of a trio too so can totally get lost in the alternate world for a while.

        The Only Plane in the Sky is a very well done 9/11 oral history that is a super compelling read – obviously dark and hard, but gripping.

    14. I loved The Feather Thief, which I learned about here

    15. Anything by Michael Lewis that sounds interesting will be even more interesting than you expect.
        Shantaram will fill a lot of time.

    16. Not true crime but try the podcast Normal Gossip. Just really fun, drama-filled, low-stakes storytelling.

12. I know this question has been asked before, but I can’t find it. My mom wants to do video calls with the grandkids, but is incredibly technologically adapt (she doesn’t have a smart phone, can’t really use a computer). What is the easiest way for her to do video calls? A few years ago, I would see these Commercials for a what was basically a video phone. Does anyone know of one that’s very easy to use?

    1. Does she have internet access at home?

       1. Yes, she has internet access. She does use email, but doesn’t really get how to search the internet

    2. We use an Amazon show device with my MIL who has early Alzheimer’s.

       You can “drop in” on her and it just appears.

       She can also make video calls via voice controls.

       So you can

    3. Grandpad. Or an iPad with literally only the chosen video calling app. My mother had never used a computer in her life and we were able to set her up with an iPad to do video calling via Facetime.

    4. Old gen Ipad with facetime. Push one icon. Push the face of who she wants to call. Have it ring like a phone. Even if that’s its only purpose.

13. My best friend is buying her first house!! She is in her 30s, married, and she and her husband have lived together in rentals for 6+ years, so she all the housewarming stuff, but I’d still like to get her something to celebrate. She moves in in January. Any suggestions? Things you loved/didn’t know you needed as a homeowner?

    1. I still think fondly about the boss who gave me the following when I bought my first condo with these notes – a bottle of champagne (‘for move-in day to celebrate!’), a gift card to Home Depot (‘for the not-fun house things you’ll need’) and a gift card to Williams Sonoma (‘for the fun house warming things you’ll enjoy’).

       1. Love this idea.

       2. +1. the gift card to Home Depot was the most useful housewarming gift when we bought our house. Paired with a nice consumable thing.

       3. This is a great idea!

       4. That’s a great idea. I would love gift cards so I can buy things as needed.

          If she celebrates Christmas, you could buy her an ornament to commemorate their first holiday in the house.

          I always love getting nice quality kitchen towels .

       5. and: if you have a cc with Chase, home Depot gift cards are currently 10% off. I just bought a bunch to give for housewarming gifts, and some more for my own house.

          1. no more edit button…I meant to say: when you buy the gift card with cc points!

    2. My favorite housewarming gift to myself was from a holiday sale in Home Depot.
       I bought the Ryobi set that came in a bag for $99. It had the screwgun/drill with bits, sawzall with blades, regular saw with blades, spare chargeable battery and the charger. This set has been a workhorse.

    3. My go-to housewarming gift is a personalized return address stamp. Lots of options on Etsy

       1. Interesting. I’m a relatively new home owner and would absolutely never use this. It would clog up a junk drawer.

          1. If someone had asked me, I would have said the same thing, but our realtor gave us one as a house-warming gift and I use it all the time. The design isn’t really my aesthetic, but I still use it for things where I don’t care or when I need to address a lot of things (holiday cards).

       2. I’d use this every Christmas and whenever I send cards throughout the year. It just sounds cool.

       3. I also have a go to housewarming gift – a bottle of wine if I’m sure they drink, an easy care houseplant, and some not too precious kitchen towels. I also tend to bake something.

    4. Personally I would love nice bird feeder + bag of sunflower seeds. This would also be a great gift for my parents, in-laws, sisters and many friends – we are in a rural area and bird feeders are a big source of enjoyment…but this is a very know-your-friend gift, since the last time I suggested it here, a bunch of people hated the idea.

       1. I still hate it generically as an idea, but you did inspire me to get my husband one for Christmas as he loves birds.

          1. Yes y’all convinced me it’s a know-your-people gift. :) I’m getting my mom one of the bird feeders that has a camera attached to it for Christmas.

             1. I have been tempted by those. Please give comments on how this works out once she has had it for a few months.

             2. I got one of these for my parents who are big bird watchers (and tech savvy, retired software engineers) and it’s been disappointingly mediocre. Even with the solar recharging roof, it runs out of batteries after ~3-4 days; and the bird identification is not great (less accurate than their own knowledge). I think they stopped charging it up after a few weeks. Sorry, I really wanted it to be good!

          2. If you have squirrels, get the squirrel proof bird feeder, which slides down when a squirrel jumps on it!

             1. Agree about the squirrel proof feeder, and also maybe look for low waste bird food otherwise your gift recipient is going to be dealing with sunflower seed shells everywhere, which really add up after a while. You’ll see bird seed labeled this way. I have a very active birdfeeder in my backyard.

             2. Alternatively, I look at my bird feeders as bird + squirrel feeders and think the squirrels are funny. Plus they provide so much stimulation for my dogs. :) The birds definitely are just fine and get food alongside the squirrels.

                I am definitely in the minority in my area of enjoying the squirrels as much as the birds.

             3. I like the squirrels and still kind of want the squirrel proof feeder just to give the birds a fighting chance.

                The squirrel comes right up to the window if she wants something anyway :)

    5. I’ve given a personalized cutting board/cheese board from etsy and it’s been a big hit. They have tons of options. As for things you didn’t know you needed, one of my favorite gifts ever was a hand held whisk broom and dust pan: https://www.oxo.com/shop/cleaning-organization/home-office/brooms-dusters/dustpan-brush-set.html?

    6. Diwalt impact driver/drill, step ladder, door mat (you pretty much always need a new one when you move/every few years) , label maker, sage to burn if she’s woo woo at all, if it’s a bigger place than she’s used to, a shark hand vac,

       1. +1 to step ladder

    7. The first big thing we purchased as new homeowners was a wet/dry vac that doubles as a leaf blower. I still remember with gratitude the person who gave us the gift card we used to purchase it. Two decades later, it is still going strong and has saved our sanity umpteen times over. If something like that is in your budget, that’s what I suggest.

    8. A bottle of Prosecco, an ice cream scoop with antifreeze in the handle and bowl, and a one-step folding step stool (Target sells one under the Cosco brand for about $10).

    9. A large amount Home Depot card was very appreciated. I’d think a Target or Walmart one for the “non glamourous necessities” would be great too.

       You end up needing a lot of unexpected small and larger items things when you move.

14. Extremely low stakes question for a Monday morning. Was filling my various pepper grinders with new peppercorns this weekend, then moved on to salt “grinders.” What salt do you use in those that does not just spill out? (Am aware that chefs don’t think there is any point to grinding salt, FYI , but my sets include grinder for both salt and pepper). Even my beloved kosher salt is too fine and just leaves a mess on the counter when I use it, b/c unlike salt shakers, the opening is on the bottom, not the top. Is there some magic trick I am missing?

    1. We use this brand for our salt grinder, ‘Baleine Coarse Sea Salt’

    2. buy coarse grained sea salt

    3. Not exactly what you asked, but I use grinders for homemade spice mixes. I made a mix for chicken seasoning that has fennel, oregano, basil, salt, and pepper that we really like. I keep kosher salt in a bowl so I can grab pinches of it.

    4. I buy the Himalayan sea salt grinders from Costco; grinder is on the top. Downside: plastic, so not very pretty.

    5. The sea salt from Costco – it is a bit smaller than the size of a pepper corn. If it is falling out, you probably have the setting on the grind set too big so too much stuff is falling out.

    6. I wouldn’t listen to any chef who doesn’t understand that finishing salts taste different based on shape and size. I don’t have a salt grinder but surely grinding affects shape and size?

       You need the kind that comes in big crystals; I think it’s sometimes called extra course? I’d also think about whether the salt grinder is equipped to grind something else you might prefer.

    7. OP: THANK YOU! It is the little things in life that make me so happy, and this little thing is now fixed. HH.

    8. I think I’d store the salt grinder in your coverage honestly. I like a salt cellar for kosher salt when I’m cooking. For the table, I have a single shaker of regular iodized salt. No one needs to be messing around with a salt grinder.

       1. Here’s what I use for salt when I’m cooking. I rarely use the spoon. I just grab pinches of kosher salt.

          It comes in a set of two so I gave one away and for whatever reason it was that particular gift that just delighted my friend who didn’t know she needed one

          https://a.co/d/hlS5Pw4

15. I just bought a pair of wide-legged jeans that I really like. I’m short, so they have to be hemmed. What length are we wearing wide-legged jeans at? I will *only* wear them with flats/sneakers, so this isn’t an issue of hemming them with heels.

    Thank you!

    1. I like them almost touching the floor, like 1/4 inch above the floor, so hem to that with your flats on.

    2. I honestly don’t think there is a “we” to this question — because there is no longer one acceptable length.

       The two primary lengths are just skimming the ground, or somewhere around the top of your foot, with the shoe showing. The first length is more traditionally acceptable, but can be a pain in wet weather. The second length will be misunderstood as being “too short,” even though it’s on trend.

       1. FWIW, I do not consider ever wearing long flares in wet weather. That’s exclusively cropped length pants for me.

    3. I prefer them pretty close to the floor, so would hem them to be almost touching the ground in flat-flats and then they’ll still look good with sneakers that have more cushioning. That said I think the trendy look is to have them a little shorter so you see more of the shoe.

    4. I was tagged in a picture with a group of my friends last week and we were all wearing light to medium wash wide leg denim with sneakers, and I was thinking we are really gonna regret this choice someday because I can’t think of anything less flattering than what we were all wearing.

       In fact, one of my friends commented “WTF is this picture??” And I totally agreed with her.

       1. Yeah, I just bought a pair of wide-leg medium wash jeans, and my comment to my husband was “well, we’ll see how many minutes I get out of these before they look incredibly dated.” But they are fun, and I have a ton of things that I am going to want to look “current” for this month, so…

       2. LOL, I think you’re onto something! Cute, maybe. Flattering? Doubtful!

          1. OP here. Maybe this is all true and I’ll look stupid soon. But I’ve always liked wide-legged pants on me, and I’m old enough that I wear what I like without worrying about being current now or only for a month or whatever.

             1. Hey, that’s cool! I wasn’t replying to your original message. I also am wearing wide-leg pants on occasion and think they are flattering enough in darker colors, but the combo of wide-leg plus light/medium denim has signs of being a moment-in-time look. And that’s fine!

    5. I like wide leg pants either about 1/2″ above the floor, or cropped. I surprised myself discovering that I like wearing my cropped length ones with Chelsea boots this season.

16. Suggestions for affordable Christmasy tourist activities in Seattle? I’ll have a baby and a toddler, so bonus if it involves walking and fresh air.

    1. The zoo typically has a cool lighting display toddlers will go nuts for!

    2. My kids thought Diving Santa at the Seattle Aquarium was great.

       Otherwise, quintessential Seattle for me will always be bundling up to throw rocks in the water at the beach. Seward Park and Seahurst Park were our favs, but options are abound based on where you’re located.

    3. Just saw this, and it’s always a great display:
       Join us for the 30th year as the Sheraton Grand Seattle brings extra joy to the holidays with Gingerbread Village, benefitting type 1 diabetes research. Top local architecture firms, along with Sheraton chefs and Breakthrough T1D Elves, craft magnificent 6ft tall gingerbread structures sure to make the season that much sweeter!

       Address: Sheraton Grand Seattle 1400 6th Ave, Seattle, WA 98101
       Dates/Times: November 21st, 2024 – January 1st, 2025
       Sunday – Thursday 9:00am – 9:00pm
       Friday – Saturday 9:00am – 11:00pm

17. For those of you who have started a law firm, give me all of your tips/resources. I am in personal injury in the North East. I have a small caseload of clients who presumably will follow me (when ethically given the choice of course).

    1. Usually your local bar has some decent support/reference materials, so start there. Also check the soloandsmallfirm reddit page for tips and resources. If you’re not used to doing the admin side of things (including payroll, registrations, insurance, etc), you’ll need to learn that quickly or find someone who can do that for you.

    2. more context will help with advice – are you a solo now or changing firms? (like do you need advice on how to best delegate since you’ve never had an associate before? or just general tips on being a new partner at a firm? how big of a firm?)

    3. I swear by these: Clio for case management software (with Faster Suite app), Brother laser printers and Scansnap scanners (one for each desk). We are as paperless as possible in my jurisdiction. Saves a lot of time and headache.

    4. Based on my husband’s experience over 40 years: remember that when you go into the private practice of law you are consenting to be a small business owner, with all that entails: personnel, payroll, yadda yadda yadda. As Anon at 11:12 said, a good admin is worth his/her weight in gold. Also you MUST have a reliable tech person so you’re not totally scr*wed when your computer goes down on filing day. Network with other attorneys so you can have somebody to cover for you when you are on vacation or have two appearances at the same time.

       1. As a sole practitioner (not an attorney) I agree with this. I don’t actually have an admin, but I deal with a ton of administrative stuff – don’t underestimate how much there is.

    5. Facebook has a group called Boss Lady, Esq. that is great for questions about software, staff, etc. Good luck.

18. I need an absorbing, fun show to watch while working out. We cut the cord and have Netflix, Disney, Hulu/max, prime. I can’t do more RH or Selling Sunset petty drama (I mean maybe, if it’s good) but maybe something like old HGTV shows? 30-45 min ideal. No subtitles please (often can’t face tv). TIA!

    1. I like true crime and documentaries for this. Mostly exposition, you won’t miss a major plot point if you’re not looking at the screen. Forensic Files is a classic.

    2. Shrinking would be perfect, I think.

       Longer shows that might take more concentration: Silo, Severance, The Diplomat.

    3. Fisk on Netflix

    4. Law and Order on Peacock is the perfect mindless winter trainer bike workout for me.

    5. I love Hometown on HGTV! I discovered it while on maternity leave almost 5 years ago and still love it.

       Doctor Odyssey on Hulu. Joshua Jackson (swoon) is a doctor on a cruise ship.

       On the JJ note, I’ve also started rewatching Dawson’s Creek.

    6. I am totally hooked on House Hunters International on HGTV. There are literally a million episodes so you never run out. They’re all the same but that’s what makes it fun. “Rogelio and Ann Marie are leaving the hustle and bustle of Grand Rapids for a new life as professional basket-weavers in Punta Cana, Mexico…”

       1. House Hunters is my guilty pleasure.

       2. oh yeah. plus once you know it’s all fake (the people have usually bought the house already) half the fun is guessing which one it is.

    7. I like watching silly shows like Never Have I Ever.

    8. If you’ve never seen Scrubs, I think it’d be a good workout show.

       1. Good idea.

    9. Oh there are so many you can watch! This is the only way I can make myself run on our treadmill. Lilyhammer on Netflix is awesome! If you want something racy/silly Disney has Rivals. Can you get any of the baking competitions in the states – Great British Baking Show (the Canadian version is awesome on CBC too)? Youtube has the New Zealand version I think. Prime had the Great British Menu which has seasons and seasons of chefs competing, and also Britain’s Best Bakery I think. All the seasons of the Crown on Netflix, the Diplomat, Scandal, Midsommer Murders if you can find it (there are dozens of seasons), Downton Abbey. Tour de France: Unchained if you like sports documentaries and the Formula One Drive to Survive was strangely engrossing along with Break Point about tennis, Beckham was fascinating if you like football (soccer) even a little bit, or maybe even if not. Also on Prime A Very Royal Scandal, Duchess of Duke Street, The Restoration Man (restoring old British buildings), Sanditon, Paper Girls, a bunch of Rick Steeves’ Europe episodes, The Grand.

    10. Queer eye on Netflix. A new season is just about to come out!

19. How do I do house plants? I used to say, my house is where plants come to die. But now I have a SFH with a garden and I’ve discovered that maybe my thumb isn’t quite as black as I thought. We didn’t have house plants growing up so I don’t really know where to put them. I had some on a window ledge but now it’s too cold to be close to the window. Currently, like 5 of them are precariously balanced on a side table and it’s looking pretty messy (and also a major kitten attraction).

    Do you have indoor plant stands? Or do you hang plants? How can I have plants without my space looking cluttered? Any tips for keeping kittens out of plants are also welcome!

    1. I have a plant table from Ikea that my plants live on, and the table is near the windows in the kitchen that get the most light.

       For me, I started keeping my plants alive when I learned to water them less, not more often. I was killing my plants by watering them too often.

    2. As an aside, please be sure to check that the plants you have are not toxic for cats.

    3. I don’t have cats but I do have a toddler, and the plants all hang or are on high ledges. One lives atop the toilet. I found that I was able to get a mint plant that serves as a canary in the coal mine, as it’s the first to dramatically wilt when it needs water and dramatically drop withered brown leaves when it’s too cold, but it perks up immediately when watered and grows so fast that losing leaves isn’t an issue. So it tells me when I need to care for the plants.
       Also, not sure what your definition of “looking messy” is but I find houseplants always look a little messy and that’s part of the charm. They’ll be lopsided and growing inconveniently or have yellow leaves while you work out what exactly it’s complaining about, and that’s just life. I think it contextualizes the rest of my not perfectly neat home to have not perfectly neat plants.

    4. If the kitten issue is chewing, I use a “bitter green apple” spray that is advertised as being for keeping dogs out of things. My cats hate it.

       1. Thanks I hadnt heard of this! So far they’re more interested in digging and knocking over plants than chewing on them. The rosemary is the only one they really gnaw at, and the vet said that’s ok. Of course they ignore the cat grass and they’re completely repulsed by the catnip.

       2. I’m glad to hear that it actually deters cats. My dog must just think “Oh, the wood siding on the house tastes different today, still gonna chew it.”

    5. My plants live on a bakers rack to which I have a bunch of cheap plant lights zip-tied to get them through the dreary winter months. Come summer, they go on my covered porch.

    6. I have some plant stands for smaller plants, and the really big ones are on short metal plant stands with casters. Then there’s the ones that generally stay outside in warm weather and need more light. Due to how my house is situated, those inhabit a little used, south facing guest bathroom, where they are on the counter, on the back of the toilet, and a larger one even lives in the bathtub. I rarely use this bathroom but when I do it’s like a bathroom break in a jungle.

20. Where do you all exchange cash for foreign currency and how much do you usually take? I like to have some cash on me, but I’m not sure how much I should bring for a roughly four-five day trip

    1. I don’t anymore but it depends on where you’re going. Europe and England are almost all exclusively tap pay. Last time I was in Japan they still used cash but I just got it in ATMs there. I’d wait and see, much of the world is cashless now.

    2. literally never. We use a local ATM if we need cash.

       1. This. Every airport has an ATM. You can get cash when you land (and the exchange rate bank to bank is usually better than the rate you get at a currency exchange place).

       2. +1 Stop at the ATM when you hit town and you’ll be fine. And when you do that (also when you do a CC transaction abroad) opt for the local currency — don’t let the bank/restaurant/whatever do the conversion for you because their conversion rate will be far less favorable than what your bank will use.

          CAVEAT: The only place this hasn’t worked for me is Argentina. You need to take a lot of American cash to Argentina and exchange it there.

       3. Ugh used a bad word. Trying again:

          +1 Stop at the ATM when you hit town and you’ll be fine. And when you do that (also when you do a CC tr a nsaction abroad) opt for the local currency — don’t let the bank/restaurant/whatever do the conversion for you because their conversion rate will be far less favorable than what your bank will use.

          CAVEAT: The only place this hasn’t worked for me is Argentina. You need to take a lot of American cash to Argentina and exchange it there.

    3. I don’t exchange cash ahead of time but I checked into it before going to Japan and bank of america did it with a week’s notice. What i did instead was used Charles Schwab checking account specifically and used local atm (they do a free checking account that refunds you any atm/foreign transaction fees).

    4. Wells Fargo has good rates and fast turn around on getting cash. Most branches will need to send out for the cash, which comes in a day or two. I know everyone will say that you don’t need to anymore, but if having a few hundred in cash makes you less stressed on the trip just go get some.

       1. +1. I have also gotten foreign currency at Citibank.

    5. For a long weekend I’d probably bring no more than $100 and plan to use it primarily for tips. You can order it ahead of time from your bank or you can get it at the airport if it’s a very common currency like Euros, but be aware that they don’t have every currency.

       I went to St. Lucia for a long weekend a couple of years ago (post-2020). My outgoing airport didn’t have their currency. If the airport in St. Lucia had an exchange that was accessible to incoming passengers then I didn’t see it. Neither my card nor my friend’s card (different banks!) worked at the only ATM on our side of the island. I needed cash to pay for a last minute excursion (not through the resort, it’s a long story) and we ended up having to cobble together several tours the company posted on Viator to make up the correct amount. I also felt badly that I didn’t have much cash for tips. The staff are happy enough with USD but I’d planned to get local currency and then couldn’t, so I only had the $40 or whatever I happened to have on me.

    6. No where. If anything I go to the ATM when I land. Unless you’re going someplace with known currency issues this isn’t necessary

    7. This is a bit dependent on where you are going but generally there is no longer a need to “exchange” money. Be sure you tell your bank you are traveling and then use your ATM card to take cash out of the first bank-affiliated ATM you see (do not use a private one; the fees are outrageous). You get a better exchange rate, which makes up for the fee.

       As to how much you need, it depends on where you are going. In Europe I usually take out a hundred Euro per week to pay for very small purchases (water, snacks, anything less than a few Euro and for church collection boxes and bathroom attendants) and then use whatever is left over at the airport.

    8. Like others have said, if I know it is a cashless location, I just do ATM there if I need a bit of cash. The last time I brought foreign currency with me, we took out $100 USD from our local bank for a 7-day trip to Colombia for two people. We used credit at most restaurants but used cash for street vendors and tips (we were there for a wedding, so lots of tips for events that were paid for by the bride and groom)

    9. In my last two week trip, I didn’t get any local currency ever. It was a country where you use cards everywhere, and basically didn’t have a need for cash.

       However, I always bring at least a few hundred in US dollars. I did have one taxi who claimed his card reader was broken, so paid him in dollars

       1. Cabbies that do that to me at the last minute have the option of getting paid the $5 from my wallet or miraculously fixing their cc reader. Guess which one happens most often?

          1. He told us at the start of the ride, and was the only taxi available. We could have waited for another one, but were willing to give him dollars to avoid wasting time

       2. I haven’t gotten any euros on my last 5 or 6 trips to Europe.

    10. I order the equivalent of a couple hundred bucks from AAA or my bank before I go. Honestly, it’s usually too much, but I like having it just in case something doesn’t like my credit cards for no apparent reason (has happened before)

    11. If you are going to Germany, you will need some cash. We just got back from Germany and had to use cash at the following places: Christmas markets, a small bakery, tickets for one museum, lockers at museums (one or two Euro coin), and some bathrooms. And you will need one and two Euro coins specifically, so you will need to buy things to break some larger bills. In contrast, in the Netherlands I don’t think we used cash a single time; one grocery store would not even accept cash, and even the bathroom at McDonalds took credit cards.

        1. Oh, gosh, I had forgotten about pay toilets in Europe. Curses!

    12. An ATM, but I didn’t even use cash at all the last couple foreign trips I went on.

21. Guilt is too strong of a word, but I’m feeling a certain way about being burned out and anxious about my objectively good job. Former colleague A was laid off in October and hasn’t found anything yet. She’s single, 10 years away from retirement, and her health insurance runs out at the end of December. Childhood friend B is working three part-time jobs and her family is barely making ends meet (her husband is a teacher and doesn’t get paid especially well). Her life is objectively difficult because of money problems. So who am I to feel bad about having a job that pays me well, offers good benefits, and has good people, even though I feel overworked and underappreciated and constantly worry about failing? Seems like a very first-world problem. And yet, it’s there.

    1. Your last sentence. Things can be difficult and you can recognize that you’re in a relatively good position — those are both true at once. Your feelings are valid.

       I’m sorry you’re feeling burned out and anxious. Are you able to take a breath at all (time off, a hobby, etc)?

       1. I have some time off planned around Christmas and New Year’s. It can’t get here soon enough.

    2. No advice but I’m in exactly the same spot.

    3. You can’t make your friend find a good job by loving your job. That’s some sort of weird magical thinking you have going there. Each of us is running our own race.

       To the extent your friend is asking you, I recommend she check out her state’s marketplace if one still exists to see if she can get healthcare coverage under the affordable care act before it gets totally trashed.

       1. That’s not OP’s point — she is feeling guilty for being dissatisfied with her own situation, in a context where either one of her two friends would be super-grateful to have her job, or something like that. The point is about how to shed the survivor-guilt-like feelings, which are real, for having an excellent work situation but still not liking it.

    4. i feel like this all the time. objectively in many ways my life is easy. i work part-time at a job i really like for low pay, yet am able to do so bc I am married to someone who is a high earner and we both came from upper middle class families and had no college debt. we have 6 year old twins and are able to afford a nanny, which is a huge luxury. i am not lacking for anything in my life materialistically and can generally afford to buy what i want (granted, i’m not like a name brand, fancy things person). yet, sometimes life is still hard. DH travels a ton for work and I do A LOT of solo parenting. we have no local family. my mom passed away 5 years ago which feels so unfair…yet at least I got her until I was 32. i often feel burnt out, stretched for time, etc. there is always going to be someone who has it easier than me and someone who has it harder. i try to practice gratitude, while also not minimizing my own feelings

       1. This helps. Thanks for sharing. I know I have it better than many — but yes, I am often teetering on the edge of burnout and feel stretched beyond what’s comfortable for me.

          1. Maybe it’s time to reassess a little, while you are taking a break over the holidays.

22. Are there places in America where people can enjoy an entire social event based on cookies? I’m so jealous. On Friday I got scolded for drinking a Diet Coke at a party! I want a group of people in my life who are not anti sugar gluten milk butter and fun. I’d settle for people that just let me enjoy food without a lecture.

    1. The advantage of advertising a party as cookie-focused – the people who are like that just don’t come at all!

    2. Uh, yeah. I’m hosting a second annual cookies and cocoa party in a few weeks, and I can’t wait.

    3. Oh I don’t allow people to lecture me about food? I’m surprised you do? “Oh no thank you! I didn’t ask your opinion on what I’m drinking and I don’t want it!”

       1. This.

          And yes— I’ve been to many sweets or cookie centered events.

    4. What?? Oh girl you need new friends.

       1. +1

       2. Yep.

       3. +1. You can have a life where people just eat what they please, and all discussions just are about ‘have you tried x? It’s delicious!’ ‘Wow, sounds good!’

    5. Yes 100% entire social events based on cookies here in the upper midwest. This time of year we have cheese/sausage and cookie platters out on the daily.

       I know one person who is a scold when it comes to food, and I avoid her. I completely respect healthy eating habits but unsolicited comments are ridiculous and very out of culture here.

       1. Yep. That’s really not cool. Even my most health-conscious friends aren’t boorish enough to shame others for eating treats.

    6. It’s funny you mention that because I do have a cookie party every year. I have a long-term friend who has celiac disease. She’s not on some sort of gluten avoiding bandwagon. She has an actual disease.

       By whom do I get lectured about gluten? People who have read some sort of weird Internet thing about gluten and want to latch onto it. Not my friend who has celiac and who has been very gracious about everything from the drop.

    7. This sounds like a problem with your social circle.

    8. My nephew in law decided to launch into a meat is murder diatribe at a barbecue at my house. That was fun. He was a vegan for a hot minute. Now he basically only eats meat – keto or paleo, can’t remember which. Everything that is not meat is murder now. Nephew never got invited over for another barbecue. He’d probably get on his soapbox about the cole slaw.

       OP cut people like this out of your life. They don’t add anything, just subtract.

    9. My house! I live in and grew up in the rural SEUS. There are so many people whose version of religion prohibits alcohol that functions centered around food instead of booze are common. The ultimate cookie party is a cookie swap where everyone brings a batch of one kind of cookie, then containers and bags are distributed and you go around taking some of every kind.

23. Would love to know if anyone knows what I’m talking about – saw a woman this morning in passing with a North Face casual jacket on. Looks perfect for running around in leggings this winter. It was almost like tunic length and half was puffer and the bottom half was like a thin layer to block the wind? It was not fitted and it had a hood. Hers was bright red. Has anyone seen something like this? It doesn’t look like anything on the North Face or REI sites right now.

    1. I don’t mean to frighten you but there is a Skims / North Face collab. I think it’s maybe flesh tones though? Maybe that?

       1. Hmm, doesn’t look like it

    2. This doesn’t have the dual textures but is otherwise similar-
       https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/p/the-north-face-womens-junction-insulated-parka-24tnowwjnctnnsltdapo/24tnowwjnctnnsltdapo?sku=25685238&camp=CSE:DSG_92700080982134415_pla_pla-2299849246976_58700008710578726_71700000118653414&segment=&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIv63FxZWbigMVJTIIBR1DMQ29EAQYCCABEgIt_fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

       1. Thanks – that’s not quite it either. This was a pullover, I believe, and it seemed more like a tunic.

    3. It sounds like a discontinued style called the Pseudio Puffer. Is it this? https://poshmark.com/listing/The-North-Face-Pseudio-Puffer-Hooded-Tunic-Vest-Cayenne-Red-Womens-Size-XS-6737c3da93a13d37aab4f599

       1. Thanks – this is the closest. It seems to have the right top and bottom textures. It wasn’t a vest, or fitted, but that gives me a name to search for. Thanks.

          1. Oh, I kind of want that now! Not in red, for me.

    4. Varley? Tuckernuck has some similar fleeces, too.

    5. Lands end has a sherpa quilted mixed media parker, patagonia has the hybrid fleece jacket, REI has trico hybrid fleece jacket, zella at nordstrom has a hybrid faux shearling pocket jacket

    6. Could it have been a men’s jacket?

       https://www.thenorthface.com/en-us/mens/mens-jackets-and-vests/mens-ski-and-snowboarding-jackets-c299293/a68a-triplebaffle-parka-pNF0A87VB?color=8VO&utm_content=ecomm&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=US%20%7C%20all%20%7C%20Hybrid%20%7C%20SHOP%20-%20AUT%20~%20All%20%28FORMERLY%20Men%29%20-%20Med%20-%20Jackets%20and%20Vests%20-%20PMax%20Shopping&utm_term&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAx9q6BhCDARIsACwUxu5jUvSgI2IqJQq33ZEwmDvP5rZ4OaqhQp62fmUkfe1lxYo7JhPIVV0aAlecEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

       1. I really don’t understand snowboarder style but that seems just about right for that crowd.

24. Would you include being a “friend of” a museum on a resume?

    1. Only if it involves actual work as opposed to giving money. And only if the work was relevant to the job you are applying for.

    2. Only if your support is more meaningful than writing a check, or if it aligns with the position you’re seeking

    3. maybe under the “interests” line?

       but as relevant experience? seems unlikely but maybe if what you did in that capacity is a lot of effort and relevant to the opening.

    4. No.

       1. PS – Only exception, you’re applying to the museum or for a fundraising position.

          1. one more exception: if the resume is for a ceremony where you receive an award for your philanthropic life’s work?

    5. I assume that means you give money, so no. That wouldn’t even occur to me.

    6. If you have a leadership, committee position or similar then yes (I work in museums in the UK and some Friends groups are very well-managed operations). If it’s just ‘being’ as in you pay your fee but then show up to events or exhibitions the same way as any other visitor then no.

    7. No, I think most people would just assume that means a regular donation.

25. Have you ever read a dating book that was actually helpful? Trying to be more intentional in my approach.

    1. Okay, this will get my feminist card yanked, but… I think it was The Rules? Most of it was complete BS but a couple of them stuck with me:

       Don’t chase men. Interested men pursue.
       Don’t just date one man at a time. Have other guys in the pipeline in case Mr. Right Now doesn’t pan out.

       I found those two pieces of advice helpful. For current advice, I’d suggest the Burned Haystack Method: https://www.instagram.com/word_case_scenario/?hl=en Her thing is to ruthlessly eliminate the unsuitable men (and as my former therapist used to say, “most men are unsuitable”) so you can find the one who’s right for you. I think she makes a lot of sense.

       1. Man, I was just going to post that, so it’s a sign that someone else did. It’s the other side of the coin for “He’s just not that into you.” Take care of yourself. Keep your dance card full so you’re not jumping at the chance at a booty call (or taking a short-notice date — an interested guy will make real plans with you if you’re booked the day he calls for a same-day date). And don’t chase. Flirt to encourage interest, but if you need to chase, don’t waste your effort.

          1. Im going to third this. I can’t defend the whole book but the concepts
             of never waiting for a man and behaving like you were the prom queen were incredibly empowering for me. Being happy and being busy while dating just helped me not to focus on a man too much, which I do think was helpful in keeping them interested and keeping me from getting heartbroken even if other people call it playing games.

             1. I read The Rules at 19 and it saved me from making a fool of myself on more than one occasion (after a few years of difficult dating.)

          2. I think it goes hand in hand with he’s just not that into you – don’t try to make things work, if it’s right it will just work.

       2. Just looked at her instagram. Wow I am a fan!

       3. oh man, I read The Rules as a young adult like 25 years ago, and while I’m sure a bunch of it hasn’t aged well, the part about having a full life and being “hard to get but easy to be with” still holds IMHO!

       4. I’m not sure I would have been mature and self-aware enough to actually follow the advice, but man, I wish somebody had explicitly told me “don’t chase” when I was younger. It would have saved me so much time and heartbreak.

          1. Yeah I think I would have needed examples of chasing or not chasing.

    2. It’s not dating “advice” exactly, but when I was single (for most of my 20’s and 30’s) I loved Sara Eckel’s book The 27 Wrong Reasons You’re Single. It’s basically about how all of the “advice” typically given to singles is unhelpful, and really it’s about luck (as long as you’re minimally putting yourself out there, which most single women who want to be partnered already do). More about making peace about that than how to find someone. Met my husband a few weeks before I turned 37, had our first kid at 40, and this got me through all of the years before that.

       1. Oh and I forgot to mention – I heard about the book here. I know this group has had some bumps lately but it’s still my favorite community (been reading over 15 years).

    3. Not exactly a dating book, but Lundy Bancroft’s why does he do that validated a lot of my red flags that my friends would sometimes question. Any boundary testing behavior is an instant no from me. Abuse starts so, so slowly, usually from very early interactions. Too many women are willing to give strangers too much benefit of the doubt. Oh he probably didn’t mean it that way, he seems like a nice guy, give him a chance. I’ll give a guy a chance if he’s shorter or balder or chubbier or less well dressed than I’d prefer, not if he is handsy, gets upset when I say no, or pretends to be incapable of basic life tasks.

       1. That book should be required reading for every high school student. It would have helped me to have read that book at 17/18.

26. Shopping help….

    I have a wedding to go to on 12/28. The first wedding I’ve been to in almost 7 years; I have nothing appropriate to wear.

    It is at 4 pm with the reception going on until 10:30. The bride is a very fun person and I asked if sequins were appropriate and she said “Beyond, Expected I’d say.” I’ve always wanted a reason to wear a sequin dress, but at the same time, I’m worried about being the only doing so or coming across as trying to have the attention on me!

    I’m striking out everywhere. I was going to rent since it is a one-time thing but there is nothing available in my size that weekend.

    I’m 5’2, a size 14ish (L or XL depending on the cut/style/brand/fabric), with a large bust. I’d like to keep the budget under $150. Any suggestions? It doesn’t have to be sequin but I do want something fun!

    1. Update to say – when I say “striking out”…I do see a lot of sequin dresses, guess I’m just looking for confirmation one would be appropriate!

       1. i think sequins can be totally appropriate depending on color, pattern, shape etc. like a hot pink sequin mini dress screams look at me. but a dress with a less bright color scheme is totally appropriate.

    2. Do it! I doubt you’ll be the only one in sequins at this time of year.

    3. Nordstrom Rack?

    4. Get the sequins! A little over your budget, but not much: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/porridge-one-shoulder-floral-sequin-maxi-dress

    5. https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/empire-state-sequin-shift-dress/7965552?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=size%2FWomens%20Clothing%2F16%2C%20XL%7Csize%2FWomens%20Clothing%2F14%2C%20L&color=030

       1. or this one
          https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/vince-camuto-sequin-sleeveless-body-con-sheath-dress/6566927?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=size%2FWomens%20Clothing%2F16%2C%20XL%7Csize%2FWomens%20Clothing%2F14%2C%20L&color=001

    6. What about a sequined top and velvet skirt or trousers? Or vice versa? You’d also get two pieces that have a higher likelihood of being worn again.

    7. I vote perfect time to wear sequins. There should be a lot of options at stores like Nordstrom Rack/Old Navy/Tj maxx/H&m, etc for new years. Get something in black or gold and have fun.

    8. Look at Ann Taylor. They have some adorable sequin pieces, both separates and dresses, in your price range and sometime in petites.

    9. I’m about your height and size and wore this to a November wedding:

       https://www2.hm.com/en_ca/productpage.1204941002.html

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