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Weekend Open Thread

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370 Comments

  1. What does everyone do to avoid aging or looking older? I am 45. Here are mine:
    • Sunscreen/hats/UPF clothing regularly.
    • Retinol and anti-oxidant serums at night.
    • Botox on the forehead and crow’s feet 3 times a year.
    • Regular exercise (cardio/strength/stretching).
    • Eating healthily (lots of lean protein, fruits and veggies but no meat, dairy, grains or caffeine).
    • No smoking.
    • Regular sleep patterns.
    • Hair coloring (to cover greys).

    Another potential survey: what is your beauty routine/who is on your beauty team (nail person, trainer, hair person, dermatologist, brow person etc.).

    1. I’m more focused on aging well, rather than avoiding or even delaying it. I use physical sunscreens daily (avoiding chemical ones), retin-A in the winter, moisturize 2xs daily, exercise regularly (lots of yoga), try to eat healthy (though I write this as I’m eating ice cream ….), drink tons of water, don’t smoke, limit my alcohol intake, and try to sleep 8 hours daily.

      I fail mostly at eating as healthy as I’d like (I do eat meat, but my downfall is really sweets as you can tell) and exercising regularly.

      I love how my grays contrast with my black hair so I don’t dye them, and look forward to more, and I wouldn’t do Botox because I’m too concerned about side effects.

      I have no beauty team either (do my own nails, brows, and only go to dermatologist for skin cancer check ups). I do have a regular hairdresser I go to 3xs a year … I’m 32 and most people think I’m 26.

      1. Why does everyone say that exercising regularly helps? Is it just a matter of staying thin as you age, or is there some extra thing to exercising that makes you look young?

        1. It keeps your skin healthy because it keeps blood circulating through all the cells. It keeps your muscle mass healthy, which leads to less sagging and wrinkling. It keeps blood flowing and so hair and nails keep growing.

          Part of this may be age. In my 40s, I am keenly aware that my skin looks as young as it does (both glowing and not being sagging or lined) because I exercise. In my 20s, it was solely about maintaining my weight.

          1. Continuing exercise allows you to maintain muscle mass and flexibility as you age. Maintaining muscle mass will keep your metabolism up, and weight-bearing exercise helps to avoid osteoporosis.

    2. I was actually thinking this would be a good topic for a post! I posted about it the other day and was curious what ideas were out there after seeing people’s responses.

      * wear sunglasses A LOT to avoid getting wrinkles around my eyes
      * put sun block on my hands when I’m in the car for more than a few minutes
      * put sun block on every morning on my face, neck, and chest – lots of it
      * use eye cream twice a day
      * sleep in a sleep bra to avoid sagging

          1. I agree. I have had an eye condition since early childhood that forces me to wear hard contacts in order to see – nothing else will correct me. The hard contacts create a lot of glare from any sunlight. Doesn’t have to be a bright, summer day. As a result, I wear sunglasses anytime I am outside, unless it is dark out. Cloudy days, hazy days, dusk, only out for a couple of minutes – doesn’t matter, I’m in the sunglasses. I’ve done this since 4th grade. As a result, I’m 47 years old and don’t even have the beginnings of crow’s feet. And my other suggestion for preventing the squinting that leads to lines is to get whatever vision correction you need.

      2. I’ve never heard of a sleep bra. Can you or the other corporettes recommend any?

      3. Does sleeping in a bra really prevent sagging?

        I could never do this as my favorite thing at the end of the day is to take my bra off.

        1. I used to be the same way too, but now I really like them. They don’t have underwires, you know. I haven’t read any actual evidence, but I think it’s got to work since you’re flopping around less as you sleep.

        2. Second. That is the first thing I do at the end of the day. I’ll pay for surgery later if it sags my boobs because it is so worth it. It’s my smoking or my ice cream, I can’t live without the post workday free boob. What’s scary is the formaldehyde in Victoria’s Secret bras article I just read.

          2. A word to the wise for the younger gals who are trying to preserve their breast shape but plan on having kids someday – my boobs were doing great – perky and shapely – until pregnancy and breastfeeding. When my milk came in, my breasts enlarged to the approximate size, shape and firmness of footballs (the NFL standard-regulation size, not peewee-league). Unfortunately, what goes up must come down and I went from an F cup while nursing to now a C cup post nursing and weight-loss. No amount of bra-wearing is going to fix that. Thank goodness for uplift padded bras, but when the bra comes off, there’s not much I can do without employing extra-strength adhesive tape. Maybe I’ll do surgery, someday. So, if you are planning on kiddos at some point, don’t stay too invested in the idea that you can “save” your breasts by wearing a sleep bra. Just sayin’.

          3. Yup. Went from a D to an F, then back again after nursing and weight loss. Not pretty.

          4. Where I live, it is SOP in certain socio-economic groups to have a lift after nuursing one’s last child.

          5. Obviously sometimes nature just takes its course, but my mother’s always sworn by breastfeeding on your back. She has gorgeous breasts well into her 50s.

            Just a tip to consider.

    4. What sunscreens do you ladies use? I’m in my early twenties but very fair and always use sunscreen when I know I’ll be outside for an extended period of time. I’d love a good recommendation for one that didn’t have chemicals in it. TIA!

      1. For my face, I currently use oil of olay without sunscreen and Clinique’s “superbalanced powder makeup” which has titanium dioxide and lasts up to 8 hours.

        For my body, I used the EWG sunscreen guide to find one and settled on BurnOut SPF 30+ KIDS Physical Sunscreen. It’s quite pricey, but blends in easily, is super low on the EWG scale, and doesn’t smell. You can buy it from Amazon.

      2. The Neutrogena baby physical sunscreen in the matte pink and white tube.

        As long as one uses physical (zinc, etc.) sunscreen or, if chemical, very carefully reads labels (go for avobenzone, most chemical sunscreens U.S.-approved have been shown not to really keep you covered; avobenzone is fine but I like a physical to be sure), and reapply (ideally supposed to be every 2 hours, but in real life, do it in the morning and before you leave for your commute), you’re good to go.

        Be sure to wear enough on your face (some silly spf 15 claim from a makeup or cosmesceutical can be misleading and unlikely to do good– one doesn’t wear enough of them! so be on the ball and mind your pretty face.)

      3. Age 32. Clinique City Block Sheer Oil-Free Daily Face Protector SPF 25 – I wear this every day. No chemical sunscreens w/ UVA/UVB protection. I’d be ok with switching, but it works for me and I don’t know of a better daily, physical sunscreen for the face.

      4. Skinceuticals. I use the 50 sheer block (also have tried the one with a tint and it’s nice). It’s the only thing I’ll ever use. No chemicals, no bad smell, and it doesn’t leave me looking all white after rubbing it in.

      5. I’m a huge fan of elta md uv clear SPF 46…I order it on amazon. It is lightweight and non greasy. I used to use neutrogena, but felt like it wasn’t rubbing in very well and left a white film. Elta is really fabulous and not super expensive!

    5. Mid-30s Floridian here, I get asked regularly if I am still in school.

      * No smoking, can’t drink alcohol
      * Yoga 1-2x a week, power walking 2-4x a week.
      * Sunscreen on face/neck every day, other areas when exercising. Sunglasses unless it’s totally dark out.
      * Eye cream 1-2x a day, anti-aging cream at night several times a week, skin brightening cream 2x a week.
      *8 hours of sleep per night with fairly regular sleep patterns.
      *Drink mostly water during the day.

      1. Wow, how do you have time to work out almost everyday AND get 8 hours of sleep a night? I need to become more like you!

        1. Read “168 hours”. There are some pretty good ideas about making time for things in your life. Not everything is new but it’s a quick read and I found it quite inspiring.

    6. I’m with you on everything you mention, except the hair coloring (no grey yet). I’d add regular moisturizers and I’m starting to get into peels 2-3 times a year … have had one so far, loved it. Also had fillers once and I like them too. I’m transitioning hairdressers, have an aesthetician, get the botox from a surgeon qualified to do so, and occasionally get my nails done.

      Re – the beauty team: with the exception of botox/fillers (if you want to do them) and the occasional haircut – women can do everything themselves, but it’s a matter of time, money, and skill. (I am terrible at doing my own nails!).

      Finally, on anti-aging vs. aging well – this seems like semantics to me, what’s the difference? I’d assume that everyone who reads this blog a) accepts the concept of aging b) would like to look good while doing it and c) does not want to look like Joan Rivers. (No offense to her either!)

      1. oh, but i love coffee (1 cup a day). so i guess that’s my weakness. i don’t think the medical industry has decided whether caffeine is evil or not, I see tons of conflicting reports about it, but in the meantime i enjoy my lattes.

        1. Not nearly enough :(

          My daily mousturizer has an SPF, but I am notoriously bad at remember to put it on. And have only recently started using sunscreen when I’m at the beach. I forget to put it on about 95% of the time when I’m excercising in the sun. Basically, I suck at suncreen.

          I exercise regularly (run, run, run)
          I eat healthy (most of the time, but still probably too much meat and white breads)
          I drink water
          I dye my greying hair

          I do drink caffeine on a regular basis (2 cups of coffee a day)

          I should probably do more…

        2. I never heard of coffee being bad for anyone. Of course moderation is important in whatever I imbibe. I think the best antidote to aging is regular exercise on machines in a gym.

      2. I wish I could get plastic surgery to be as funny as Joan Rivers. That would pay the student loans off a lot faster.

    7. Interesting question! I’m 31, always looked young (as did my mom). For me:

      * Eat a wide variety of foods
      * Watch my weight
      * Some working out (I’m not crazy about it)
      * Using cocoa butter on my eyes each night
      * Tiny bit of moisturizer on rest of face (oily skin)
      * No smoking
      * Generally avoiding sun (though I don’t wear sunscreen unless I’ll be outside for more than a minute)
      * Wearing a bra more often than I used to (I’m super flat, and went without all the time in my youth, but now I’m realizing that maybe that’s not the best idea.)
      * Be happy!

    8. 34, people usually guess I’m about 28.
      Just recently realizing that i need to change some of the below because I feel like I’m aging faster than ever before.

      Here’s my list:
      sunscreen on my face and neck everyday, rain or shine.
      sunscreen on my arms and hands on weekends
      religious about eye cream am and pm
      don’t usually wash my make-up off at night (so bad!)
      try not to wear any make-up on weekends
      facials every 4-6 months
      color my own hair as needed (color with my natural hair color to cover silver)
      give myself manicures and pedicures
      work tons and under a lot of work stress so I eat as healthy as I can and only get to exercising about 1-2x a week. Really need more
      8hrs of sleep

      I think if I washed my face every night and got more exercise, it would make me look and feel more refreshed.

    9. Interesting post! I’m 28, I think I look young-ish (frequently mistaken for being an undergrad). I do the following:
      – Olay lotion with spf 15 on my face every day
      -clarisonic everynight followed by Olay
      -run 2-3 times a week
      – hiking once a week
      -coppertone sunblock on weekends if outside more than 15 minutes– but usually on my face and shoulders. I’m so bad at doing my legs/feet and never do hands- need to change that.
      – i wear a sunhat if out during the day and baseball cap to jog
      – drink tons of water
      -7.5 hours of sleep a night
      – very little alcohol
      -3 cups of tea a day
      -tons of water

      I never get manicures or do my nails or get facials and I adore all kinds of white carbs, butter and olive oil. I am also pretty slack on lotion and eye cream- need to start using that!

    10. I use a C-serum daily on my face/neck/decolletage (and I rub the excess into my hands), and that covers me for my daily sun exposure. (It’s actually a C + zinc serum from Malibu Wellness that has let me mostly eliminate the anti-acne products from my arsenal… zinc works wonders). My mom uses the same C-serum (but she uses the version w/o zinc) as recommended by her derm, and that’s how I was actually introduced to the product, who explained that vitamin C has properties that prevent sun burn/damage.

      If I’m going to be out longer than my daily commute, and maybe sitting outside for a few minutes for coffee (and I should add I don’t live in a very sunny environment right now), I will use a more traditional sunscreen/block. Still trying to find my holy grail… I have used a variety on vacation lately, and most of them seem a little greasy and cause me to break out, but I think that’s because I haven’t planned ahead. I intend to check out shisedo and la roche posay anthelios (sp?).

    11. Really? Anon at 3:21 and I are the only ones who will admit to Botox? Maybe this is an age thing? Anon didn’t cop to a number, but I am 45 (generally mistaken for early 30s). Or maybe it is a geographic thing?

      1. Age 38. Serious sun exposure while growing up, high school tanning salon employee and a college lifeguard. Little to no exercise (2 x per month running, at best, if weather is decent). Insufficient sleep (I’ve got 2 little ones who have not yet met Dr Ferber). Not good, eh? At least I don’t smoke. OK, 3 x per year I get Botox in my forehead and between my eyebrows. 2 x per year I get fillers under the eye and in the marionette lines. The fillers and Botox are incredible – they take 5-10 years off instantly. I’d love to get a peel of some sort but I can’t swing the recovery time. I’d also love a tummy tuck but ditto the lack of recovery time. I use a C serum, the Clarisonic mia, oil of olay moisturizer, sunscreen in my makeup and on my hands daily, plus regular hair color/cut. After reading your posts, I am reminded that I REALLY need to make time for exercise and drink more water.

        1. Are the marionette lines the lines from each nostril down to the chin framing the mouth? Which filler do you use? What is it like? Anything like getting Botox?

          1. restylane. nothing like botox as restylane is literally a filler – not something that impacts muscle movement (a la botox). they are both injected, but similarity ends there. it works well. possible side effects include slight bruising or swelling which goes away in 2-3 days, and if you don’t like the result the area can generally be massaged to adjust.

            marionette lines = nasolabial folds = the lines you describe, nose to chin, framing the mouth.

      2. I haven’t had botox, but I’ll admit more then a passing interest in it. I asked my dermatologist about it this past visit and she told me she wouldn’t do it. I definitely receive compliments on my skin, but I’m 32 and I’ve long had lines in my forehead…
        When did you begin using botox and what was it that finally motivated you to start? More prevention or actual treatment?

        1. I started with Botox when I was 40 with crow’s feet and with the forehead a couple years later. In retrospect, I wish I had started perhaps three years earlier as a preventive measure. If you have good skin, maybe 32 is too early to start, but I do know that it is good to start a little bit before you actually need it.

        2. i’m 35, just started botox last year in my forehead because the lines there were getting deeper and deeper (as opposed to magically going away, which is what i was hoping for …)

          i like it a lot. i don’t get a ton of it (you pay per cc) but it works beautifully, and even then, i don’t think i realized quite how much those lines bothered me until i looked in the mirror and they were gone. i’m very happy with my skin otherwise (no doubt in part because I also do the retinol creams, peels, strict AM & PM washing/moisturizing routines and sunscreens mentioned previously … a real pain, but worth it IMO).

          the benefit of starting botox a bit earlier is that the lines won’t have set in as much, so you increase your odds of minimizing them altogether. if you wait until they are very deep, you probably won’t be able to truly erase them although botox will still help.

          finally, i’m not sure if your derm meant that she doesn’t do it (e.g. not part of her practice) or that she wouldn’t recommend it for you specifically, but if you go for it, find a proper licensed practitioner. plenty of non-doctors do it nowadays, but better safe than sorry. my two cents.

          Oh, and to the OP – i’m in the northeast FWIW.

      3. I’m 30 and have been getting Botox three or four times per year since 2006. I furrow my eyebrows when I concentrate and was getting deep vertical lines between my eyes. Botox solved that problem! I just started a job that pays about two thirds less than the big law job I left; Botox is not one of my expenses that’s subject to being cut.

    12. Sunscreen on my face every day (SPF 45 chemical sunscreen in the summer; SPF 15 makeup year-round), sunscreen on all exposed parts of my body including legs and hands, giant sun hat and sunscreen on sunny days, undereye cream, regular exfoliation, regular exercise and sleep, lots of water, and hair dye to cover gray. I also don’t smoke and am a pretty healthy eater.

          1. Yes, absolutely. Actually I tend to get rashes on my chest and arms if they’re exposed to the sun at all, so usually I wear a higher-necked shirt in addition to sunscreen.

    13. I’m 50; am vainly enjoying the shocked expressions and loud protestations of people who learn I have a 25 year old daughter. In my experience, my relatively “young” appearance (been told I look around 40) is 25% is upkeep-related, 25% dumb luck from not having been a sun-slave in my early years, and 50% good genes. I am not nearly as diligent as many of you. I
      -have never smoked
      -only use alcohol in moderation
      -most of my outdooor time is before the sun is really up (brisk dog walking every morning) so I don’t really bother with sunscreen, unless I’m on the water.
      -am beginning to feel the effects of my lack of really strenuous/serious exercise. I’ve been able to skate by (5’9″, size 6) without doing very much – I know it would be beneficial to my stress levels as well as my health, but I’m full of excuses.
      -use Retinol and anti-oxident moisturizers and eye creams for day (with SPF30) & night
      -eat a fairly healthy diet (I have trouble leaving sugar alone)
      -use no caffeine (doesn’t agree with me), drink primarily water
      -get regular sleep
      -have been coloring my hair religiously since I was 25 to cover grey and add interest. DH did it for years before I got more complicated with foils, etc a few years ago and had my stylist do it.
      -do my own nails, brows, etc.; occasionally get a pedicure
      -try to embody a confident, classic yet interesting kind of style. I’m not 25, but I don’t have to look like I’m 60 either (recall the anti-Chicos, Coldwater Creek rant of a few weeks ago?).

      I’ve come to the conclusion that so much of being “of an age” is attitude. Carry it with confidence and own it – I wouldn’t have the personal wisdom and knowledge that has made me successful without living through the years and experiences that got me to where I am today. With luck, we are all going to get to old age….there is only so much I’m willing to do to actively fight it!

        1. Approaching 30…

          When I was younger (early 20s) I definitely did not take care of my self (not enough exercise, worshiped the sun, drank and smoke). I was young, had a fantastic metabolism and liked to be tan. Nowadays I wish I had taken care of myself a little bit more as I’m beginning to notice some fine lines and sunspots.

          Here’s what I do nowadays:
          – EXERCISE: I’m still very thin but I notice that when I dont work out my body becomes much more round and I start to hold weight in my mid-section. My metabolism has definitely slowed down a bit during the past couple years. I take my dogs on a daily walk. I run 3-4 times per weeks (about 3 miles per run). Do strength training classes (2-3 times per week) – for you in the NYC area Kira Stokes is amazing, as are the ViPR clases at Equinox. I’m also a huge fan of Lotte Berk (or any type of Barre Method class). I don’t think LB is enough on its own, but in combination with cardio 4-5 times per week, it will definitely keep you toned. I try to do either LB and/or yoga 5 times per week. This may seem excessive, but to me, exercise is key for physical and mental well being.

          SKINCARE: I’ve been battling adult acne (ugh). I get facials 6-8 times per year. Use Retinol every other day in the winter. I use all natural European facial products daily, including SPF 25. I’m diligent about washing my face twice a day and recently started using the Clarisonic Plus. The Clarisonic has made a HUGE difference. My acne has cleared up in only a couple weeks. I havent found La Mer to be worth it but have been using Cle de Peau eye cream – I’m not sure what my feelings are on it yet.

          DIET: I eat really well, although I have a huge sweet tooth. I drink TONS of water and *try* to stay away from coffee.

          SLEEP/MEDITATION: I try to get 7-8 hours of sleep per night and meditate (not as often as I’d like).

          I get manicures almost weekly, pedicures/waxing once a month and haircuts/color four times per year. I’ve recently started getting my eyebrows shaped by Fumi Nagi at Pas De Deux. She’s wonderful.

          Wow. Now that I write it out, I realize I spend a lot of time/energy on myself. For me, its worth it. We dont have children yet and I’d like to take care of myself while I can. I’m also a bit of an introvert and I’d prefer to spend my time outside of work on exercise.

          1. I just ordered the Clarisonic Plus! I’m so excited! I woke up and saw it on QVC offered with Bliss products and I had to jump in and order. I can’t wait to start using it.

            What kind of results have you seen with the Clarisonic?

          2. Clarisonic is wonderful! I’ve posted about my love before, but I love it. I too used to get monthly facials to control adult acne (or is it still child acne if it started at age 12 and never stopped?). I have used my Clarisonic every night since last December and I almost never get pimples nowand dontdo facials anymore. Even with this miserably hot and humid Texas summer, my skin has stayed clear.

            I did get a lot of pimples in the first week or two I used the Clarisonic I think it was pulling up nasty blackheads stuck in my face (sorry for the TMI).

      2. you mention that you’re beginning to feel the effects of not having engaged in serious/strenuous exercise (i’m paraphrasing …)

        can you elaborate? what kind of effects, and do you feel like they can be counterbalanced by starting to exercise more now? i would love to hear about your experience.

        1. I have always been very flexible – probably even to the degree of hyper-flexibility of my joints (in my youth I could do the splits three ways, could lay my forearms on the floor from a standing position – and I’m 5’9″). In the last year or two I am noticing much more stiffness,especially in my hips (too much time sitting in front of a computer doesn’t help). Muscle tone isn’t what it used to be, neither is my strength. No major surprises I guess. I’ve never been an athlete nor serious about exercise. Did some yoga on and off for about a year a few years ago, am thinking about trying this or pilates to increase some flexibility and decrease some stress. I think I am just afraid of the pain that will come along with getting my bones moving again. A pretty pathetic excuse, but there it is.

      3. Ditto on the genes. I don’t do anything special besides sunscreen and undereye cream, and the undereye cream is more for puffiness than wrinkles. I do dye my hair. I think that most women who engage in anti-aging beauty treatments just end up looking like a 50-year-old who’s trying to look younger; they don’t actually succeed in looking younger.

    14. – I am fanatic about skin care. I have a Clarisonic and I use all mean and manner of antioxidant cleansers, serums, moisturizers, creams, etc. I will try anything once. My favorite products are the Neutrogena antioxidant and retinol lines, Peter Thomas Roth (anything), Strivectin, and Dr. Brandt. I never, ever go to sleep in my makeup and I never, ever go outside without a sunscreen on.
      – Sunscreen. Every day, every place that’s exposed, at least SPF 30 and then I put on SPF 15-20 makeup on over that.
      – Exercise – I am only getting in two good workouts a week at this point, but they’re an hour long, and I try to stay active other days (walk around a lot, take the stairs, walk at lunchtime, play with my kid, etc.)
      – Sleep. This is one thing I don’t see a lot of people talking about but to me, it’s critical. I make myself “turn off” by 9:30 so I can be asleep by 10 and then up at 6. I also will nap on the weekend when my kid naps.
      – I don’t believe in intentional sun exposure but I do believe outdoor exercise with sunscreen on is healthy for you.
      – I periodically use saunas/steam rooms; the steam room in particular really seems to help my skin.
      – I am starting Botox this year – I have a Groupon for it but have been too busy lately to make an appointment.
      – Don’t smoke, never have
      – Rarely drink, like twice a week.
      – Eat whole, healthy, antioxidant-rich foods, including a lot of yogurt, fruit smoothies, salads, nuts/seeds, and lean protein.

      Honestly, though, I think most “good” aging owes a LOT to genetics and a lot more to attitude. There are few things as pathetic as a beautiful woman in her late forties/early fifties who’s bleaching her hair, Botoxing the crap out of her face, dieting to scary thinness, and wearing clothes that are much too young for her, just to keep up the fight against the inevitable march of time. I don’t think true beauty is about perpetually looking 22. There’s something to be said for accepting some of what age brings you, gracefully, and walking on through life with your head held high. The American Cancer Society had a whole campaign about “having more birthdays” and we should be grateful we are having them, not frantically flailing in protest against every one.

      1. I think this last part is very well said. As someone who knows far too many people who have died very young, including friends and family members, I am thankful for every healthy year that I have.

        When I think of aging, it’s a simple equation for me. I hope to age more like Helen Mirren and less like any of the Real Housewives of anywhere. I think taking care of myself now, accepting changes as they happen, and always striving to be the healthiest person I can be will lead to a happy older life where I am comfortable with myself. At least I hope it will!

    15. I’m 38 going on 39, with 2 young kids, and look around 30 – due mostly to good genes. But, after furrows started developing after my 2 kids – and staying – I tried the csi line of skincare products. To my surprise, within months, my furrows lightened as did the lines around my mouth. So, can’t recommend them enough, esp. the CSI multipeptide anti-wrinkle serum.

      1. SMOKERS: DO NOT DISPAIR! I smoked for twenty-five years and could see a visible difference in my skin within WEEKS of quitting! My face was more moist and soft and colorful! You can turn the clock back if you stop. I used Chantix, a real miracle drug.

    1. Laughed out loud. In the middle of the office. Loudly.

      Thanks, Lizbet. It’s been a long week and I needed a good laugh.

    2. I was thinking dog collar meets S&M games. Do people actually wear this during the daylight (or at any other time for that matter)?

      1. Yikes, I liked it but definitely don’t want people to have that reaction to it!

    4. Haha! You’re spot on!

      I can’t imagine wearing that with anything at all, really… but certainly not a work outfit. Yikes!

      1. I really like it and think it’s pleasantly understated and softened by the colours. But to each her own.

        1. I’m a sucker for bright green, especially when paired with white, navy or black, so I kind of loved this. I think that, on an actual person, it will look like some bold lines and fun color, and really be a modern sleek piece that adds interest to a white button-down or black scoop-neck top, and won’t read as a stark/dog-collar/s&m/etc. piece as people are commenting upon seeing it sans neck and shirt.

          1. Did you see it on the model when you click on the link? It looks just like she’s wearing a dog-collar.

  3. Here’s an interesting NGDGTCO office-type tip (not sure if it’s in there because I haven’t read it):

    I work with this guy who always told these stories about the Supreme Court justices. Like, “Well, you know, Scalia always says . . .” I always thought he was this hugely brilliant SC scholar. Turns out, he got every one of his stories from The Nine. Like, every one. I realized that after I had read the book. And then I realized that, if it were me, I would have said, “Well, I read in The Nine that Scalia says . . .” which sort of downgrades my knowledge, you know? It’s super subtle, but I thought it was interesting. I’ve decided to start just saying things like that without necessarily giving my source. Thoughts?

    1. In law school, I called this the “A@&hole Factor.” Once first semester grades were posted, a lot of these guys stopped talking in class.

    2. I have to say, if I were to do what the guy in your office did, I certainly wouldn’t be quoting from a hugely popular (and likely to have been read by others in your circle) book. So I would say, go for it, as long as your source is relatively obscure, but otherwise beware, as you are more likely to give off a “douche” vibe (see previous comment).

    3. I think you maintain more credibility if you reference the source where it makes sense to. Don’t you now think that this guy was sort of misleading, by speaking as if he had personal or at least superior knowledge when it came from a widely-read book?

      Also, he sounds annoying. ;)

      1. Oh, he was definitely annoying. All of the above comments are true. Maybe I should rethink this . . .

    4. I like it. Great point! Less meandering is always more powerful, in such a case doubly so. Try not to imply you know the person and are name-dropping or lying, but quoting simply and directly–

      “Diana Vreeland said ‘elegance is refusal'”

      not

      “I loved it when great aunt Diana said…” (wrongly elevating your status vis the anecdote)

      nor

      “I think I remember I read in a book somewhere that a famous editor once said…” (wrongly lowering your status vis the anecdote)

      1. Amazing if Diana Vreeland *was* your aunt! I’d totally drop that everywhere — even in law school: “Great aunt Diana would never have thought of wearing sweatpants to a torts exam…darling.”

    5. This is a great point! I’ve noticed my husband and I cite facts we’ve read differently.

      He’ll say: 50% of Americans are overweight (or whatever random fact)

      I’ll say: I heard on NPR last week/ I read in the NYT that at least 50% of Americans are overweight.

      I actually think his way of commenting, like your colleague’s, carries more weight with listeners, and I’m going to try to adopt it more.

      I’ve also noticed that students/ interlocutors are more likely to ask a woman the source of their data, than a man (leading to the sometimes embarrassing revelation that I read it on Wikipedia).

    6. In the specific example you give, the fact that he read all this in The Nine doesn’t negate his knowledge and interest in the Supreme Court. He’s a lawyer, and he’s obviously interested the law, and he doesn’t have to provide a citation for every sentence he says. But I’d be careful of this strategy for topics that you don’t have a natural interest in – for example, don’t read an ESPN article and then spout off about the Yankees as though you follow baseball, if you don’t. That’ll come back and bite you in the butt. If you are a genuine Yankees fan, OTOH, there’s no reason to cite the source for every specific bit of knowledge you have about them.

    7. Now that you know that, next time he does it, do a counter quote of something really intelligent and then credit the Situation from Jersey Shore.

      1. I had a friend who had been everywhere and knew everything. And then one day she made the mistake of telling a story that I had told her — as if it had happened to her, and not me. Not my friend anymore. There is only so long that anyone can pull this off.

        1. Being confident and concise in making references and allusions is unrelated to lying.

  4. …and the zone my apartment is just had a mandatory evacuation called for it. I’m kind of looking forward to my hurricane-forced sleepover at a friend’s this weekend. Anyway else in the NYC Zone A crowd?

    1. Yeah, I saw that just now. I really, really hope that we’re all just overreacting right now but just in case….

    2. I’m not, but I’m still a bit nervous. I was in a flood about 15 years ago and those memories keep coming up. I’m planning to fully charge my Kindle tonight and spend the weekend reading in bed. Stay safe and make the best of it!

    3. Zone B over here so I’m staying put. But I fully expect my cats to be freaked out and to be without transit on Monday morning.

    1. Emma, I’m not in the market for a bed, but do you have a Tempurpedic pillow? If so, how do you like it? I already have a memory foam one and have been wondering if it’s worth upgrading to Tempurpedic.

      1. I have it and I really, really like it. I have a more involved review of the pillow I got on my blog, but the quick version is that it’s an ideal blend of softness and firmness, if that makes any sense. Not so soft that it loses its shape and bunches up into nothing, but at the same time it still has a nice squishy feeling. I have a normal shaped one, not a contoured one.

        1. Thanks! That’s exactly what i’m looking for – I may bite, my current pillow is wearing out faster than one might expect.

  6. Hey ladies — in case you missed it, I got a permanent job offer this week!

    (Full story on Tuesday’s Coffee Break, should you care.)

    I’m resharing not to toot my horn (well, OK, a little — many of my friends are still out of work) but just to THANK YOU ALL for all your advice. I’ve been lurking since January 2010 when my gunner best friend sent me a link on a whim. Corporettes give the most thoughtful and kind advice on the Internet, and I am firmly convinced that we can groupthink the answer to all problems, except possibly rerouting Irene.

    For those still looking, I graduated from college this spring and had been looking for months. Temping and connections are the way to go — I got this job by temping FOR a connection. And I’m still freelancing other projects.

    I’m hosting a party to celebrate this weekend and I kind of wish all my Internet mentors/aunts/older sisters/girlfriends could be there. Please, this weekend, have a drink for me. I’d buy it for you if I could.

    Love Love Love,
    Little Lurker (changing her handle soon)

    PS Special shout-out to Eponine — you’re too good for Marius, gurl. DTMFO and move to Provence with me!

    2. I too find her nauseating, but am trying not to write her off completely before looking for some redeeming aspects to her (mixed) messages. Either she’s trying to attack the women’s movement/feminism and then upping the ante with a lot of designed-to-aggravate language, or she’s trying to point out that women frankly cannot have it all, or .. maybe she’s a harsh but accurate window into the mentality of many people in this country. If the latter is the case, well, that’s awful, but perhaps something to keep in mind as our careers progress, as we travel around the country and meet different folks, and as Presidential and Congressional campaigns come around. ??

      1. If you boil down her post, you can see that there is an attempt to point out that women can’t have it all, but I don’t know why you would create a list if that was your goal. The comments agreeing with her and some women were going to forward to their daughters were disgusting and tragic.

        I actually went through her website, and the most popular posts (the ones that she picked as most popular) had nothing to do with career advice and were solely about drama and sex.

      2. I liked what she had to say about austerity. Don’t tell you’re kid you have to work so you can eat caviar together. Too bad it was so far down on the list and lost in the message because once you save all your money, you have to get so much plastic surgery. Plus if you do choose to be frugal by not working, you violate like 2 other keep your job rules.

        Some of the other stuff like “don’t do homework” could have been massaged to say “don’t become neurotic over every little thing because men don’t and they still get the same good grades.”

        Plus guys can tell if you are there for your MRS and not your MBA. It’ll work on the weak, but who wants to marry the weak? He will just fall for another younger girl later (he’s weak). Even she admits we need someone smarter than ourselves. She’s right, in college, I had a boyfriend give me a card that read “gorgious” and I dumped him on pure principal (so hot though).

        A title like that will get you readers, but she did not need to follow it up with equally ridiculous suggestions that are not supported by each other, let alone logic.

        1. Me too. Problem is we are all talking about it which just drives her hits up. She pissed me off with the mattress post. It’s too bad because I really enjoy some of her writing as it can be quite compelling but I unsubscribed from the rss feed after that last post on principle.

    4. Me too! That was ridiculous and I tried to post the link on my facebook but ended up “liking it” instead. This lead to PEOPLE AGREEING WITH HER and me contemplating a serious unfriending move. Or ya know massive amount of frugality to pay for my plastic surgery mixed with the reorganization of all time so that I can homeschool my kids but somehow never leave my job so I fit in with my facebook friends. Like really? You thought of this while you were driving? Are you sure you weren’t still driving? Because I do not think you proofread it. We all get like that after four cups of coffee and alone time in the car. But then you write it down, realize that is crazy, and get a damn book on tape at the library so it doesn’t happen again. Bottomline: It gets people to her blog. We read it. Rant over.

      1. The most hilarious thing to me was the part about homeschooling your kids while running a “lifestyle business” out of your house. Yeah, right. I just spent a week at home with my son while he was in between day camp and school, and anyone who says they are “homeschooling” their kids while they’re working at home is lying, flat-out. I was lucky to be able to take him to the park every day, much less set him complex lessons and explain difficult concepts about math, science and language to him. You can homeschool or you can run a business from your house, you can’t do both. I have several homeschooling friends and some separate work-at-home friends who agree with me on that.

        Trunk lives in a fantasy world of her own making – if you know anything about her personal life, it’s a disaster. I heard somewhere she had actually lost primary custody of her kids over something (a rumor but it is what I heard). It’s not surprising someone like that would come up with such a cracked list of what makes someone “successful.”

    5. Ok, so let’s start a counter-list of things that every corporette should consider as part of a “blueprint” for her life. I’ll start:

      1. If your goal is to be married/committed, it is okay to make finding someone special a priority, as long as it’s not your *only* priority. It is okay to turn down a great job in a location with few singles. It’s okay to make a goal to put X amount of time per week on online dating, or going to meetup groups. And, conversely, it is just as okay to decide that finding a life partner is *not* a high priority at a particular time of your life, and *not* put effort into it.

      Oh, yeah. And get botox. Yesterday ;)

      1. #3. practice frugality so you can give yourself options and freedom when needed … be it freedom to leave a bad job or relationship, or freedom to start/raise a family the way you want to.

        #4. safeguard your health obsessively, both physical and mental.

    6. Interesting. I read it more as a social commentary on what the unfortunate, but true, statistics say about what makes women successful and happy on an objective scale. To me, it’s not the blog post itself that upsets me; it’s the fact that there may be statistical evidence suggesting that some of it might be true (for a statistically significant number of women).

  9. So, if Kat still did the 360 review of TV characters, I’d beg her to do one about “Jessica Pearson” in Suits. Not sure how many of you watch it but it’s one of the few lawyer shows I can stand. I am IN LOVE with how her character dresses. Super sharp, very powerful. I’m sure the wardrobing budget is massive. Even my husband comments on her outfits! (Him: “ooh, that’s a nice office dress, you should get something like that.” Me “yes! I agree that I need a $1k dress to round out my wardrobe. Done!” Him “oh… maybe you can find something similar at Loehmans.”…. lol)

    I also enjoy how most of her skirts and dresses are conservative in their length (maybe too tight for a real life office IMHO), especially since she’s super tall.

    1. I was thinking the same thing as I was watching Suits last night. I specifically remember a navy or black skirt suit she was wearing with a lower cut white blouse. She always looks so classy, powerful, and work appropriate unlike so many other female characters on tv. Love that show too…even my DH (also an attorney) likes to watch it!

      1. That blouse was amazing- with the pearls and that deep, narrow neck. Love how she dresses and presents. The premise of the show is pretty absurb, but it’s a lot of fun. Great cast!

    2. Yes, I love that show too – particularly her outfits. I also like how the brown haired paralegal dresses.

    3. I’d also like to know more about the red-haired secretary’s outfits. Very professional and yet casual enough to be Silicon Valley-friendly.

      1. I agree. She’s always dressed very classy but in a relaxed “I’m not trying at all” way. The stylists in general do a great job. The mens’ suits are great too, although I can’t recall when I’ve ever seen a managing partner wear suit pants that are slim fit. Makes for great tv though.

    4. She looks great, but I stopped watching after the pilot when they had one day to respond to a motion for summary judgment in a sex harassment case that was inexplicably brought in state court, then they had the nerve to show the outside of 60 Centre, the inside of what I think is 100 Centre, and them walking out of a courtroom labeled Surrogate’s Court. Maybe it’s the nerd in me, but that just totally turned me off to the show, even though I’m not normally one to get caught up in how accurate a tv show is.

      1. I get the ridiculousness of having 1 day to respond for an MSJ but I practice in a state with laws against discrimination that cover sexual harassment, why was it “inexplicable” that it was in state court? Just curious!

        1. The show’s set in NY, which does have anti sex-harassment laws, but you can bring them in federal court alongside your Title VII claims. Barring some sort of statute of limitations issue or a desire to avoid the exhaustion of administrative remedies requirements, for a plaintiff it’s much much better to be in federal court than state, where the employer could drag out the proceedings indefinitely.

      2. Any one ever watch law abiding citizen? With Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx. It was the worst legal references I have ever seen. Like at one point Foxx (ada) tells Butler he is taking the deal because trial would cost Butler millions of dollars. (Butler is the husband and father of the victim). Foxx is also living like a millionaire, and at one point just goes “No we have no evidence. Exclusionary rule.” they also arrest him and put him in some sort of federal castle prison before his hearing.

  10. So my loved one & I are planning a trip to CA in early October. Probably SF/Napa area. Flights are not bad now, but I was a bit overwhelmed by hotels, both prices and choices. For those familiar with the area, what’s a good area to stay-in in SF? Ideally, somewhere where a car is not a necessity and we could go out and stumble back to our hotel after a bottle of wine and a romantic dinner (safely, of course!). We’ll be renting a car at some point in the trip to do Napa, though, so car locales are not out of the question.

    Also, we’re hoping to maybe rent a car and just drive down the pacific coast highway, maybe to LA, maybe seeing some of those famous redwoods along the way. Is that doable? Will we need to stay somewhere along the way?Also, for those who have done this, how expensive is it to rent a car in one city (SF) and return in another (LA)? I think our dream trip would involve flying in to Northern California and leaving from South but I have heard the car rental companies tack on a lot for one-way rentals.

    Any other tips/ideas would be tremendously welcome and appreciated! Planing anything multi-locational is not my strong suit and I’d love to get it right just this once… :)
    Thanks in advance!

    1. We went out to LA Christmas/New Year’s of 2007-2008. We rented a van (6 adults) for 10 days, it was around $1000 then. We drove from LA to Vegas and back to LA. Eventually, we drove to San Francisco and flew out of there back home.

    2. My tip would be to price out rental expenses at car rental’s websites. Do it picking up and returning at the same place and also picking up in SF and returning to LAX. I’ve usually seen a few hundred dollars difference from doing that. I’d map out the drive from SF to LAX through google maps, I think it’s over 6 hours.

    3. I rented a car in Ohio and returned it in Pennsylvania and paid about $200 for the privilege. Not sure if these rates are consistent in different areas though.

      We’ve driven from San Diego to the Bay Area, mostly along the 1. The first night, we stayed near Santa Barbara (we left San Diego in the late afternoon and planned on, and experienced, some pretty horrible LA traffic) and then went wine tasting in the Santa Rita Hills the next morning. We stayed in Cambria the second night and then went to the Hearst Castle in the morning (or we might have gone the day before after wine tasting– fuzzy memory), and then we made the rest of the drive from there, with a stop near San Juan Bautista for some more wine tasting. That leg of the trip was pretty long, so I would recommend stopping along the way. Carmel and Monterey are great and position you right by Big Sur, but they’re only about 2.5 hours outside of SF, so you may want to drive further on the first day. Another tip– though it shouldn’t be a problem in early October, I’d check to see that there are no landslides blocking the 1 before you start the drive.

      1. This is solid advice. I’d just add that there are very few places to stop along the 1 in Big Sur between Monterey and San Luis Obispo. San Francisso to San Luis Obispo on the 1 is a very long day of driving. I would not want to end up driving that stretch at night unless there was a full moon.

        1. Agreed with FFP. Part of 1 is currently closed for construction – a big storm washed out part of the road last spring. Check 511 or Caltrans websites before you book your trip.

          1. Thanks for the tips (and keep ’em coming!)
            Is the drive itself nice? One of the reasons we want to do this is we’ve heard the drive is supposed to be gorgeous.

          2. I did a San Francisco to San Diego road trip in a rented convertible with a few girlfriends a couple of years ago. We had an amazing time, and PARTS of the drive were spectacular and gorgeous. Parts were boring, parts were traffic-ridden and slow, and parts were kind of scary (mostly due to insane fog/marine layer).

            It was a great trip, and one of the highlights for me was Hearst Castle. It really is such a cool thing to see. Also, all the wineries up and down the coast.

            I agree with prior posters — look and see what’s available with the rental companies, and weigh the time/gas cost of returning the car to the same location against the potential itinerary, and cost of an open-jaw flight (or whatever it’s called when you fly to one location, but return from another).

    4. I’d look for hotels in near Union Square or SOMA. If you don’t want to be a “typical tourist”, steer clear of the Wharf. SOMA is a very trendy neighborhood and home to a good portion of the high-end restaurants that are getting a lot of attention by the food press. If you don’t want to drive, SF does have cabs and good public transit.

      Napa is great. The redwoods (Muir Woods, specifically) are gorgeous and are actually on the way north to Napa in Marin. There are no redwoods south of SF on the coast. There are some away from the coast south of SF in the Santa Cruz Mountains (e.g., Big Basin).

      For the PCH drive, I’d plan on 2-3 days. I’d get to Monterey on the first day and visit the aquarium. Drive Big Sur (the most beautiful stretch) the next day down to San Luis Obispo. And the third, finish up in LA. The PCH is actually closed right now in Big Sur (day two) due to a landslide, it’s about a 200 mile detour inland.

      Regarding cost, the Bay Area is expensive. San Francisco and San Jose have about the same cost of living as New York City.

    5. I live in LA, have traveled to SF several times.

      I highly recommend Hotel Monaco near Union Square. It’s a boutique hotel with the Kimpton hotel group. You can find it online. I think Union Square is pretty central. I also love the Hayes Valley area but don’t know about hotels. Make sure to head down to the Ferry Building for the farmer’s market/crafty booths/delicious local food places. Love it there.

      The drive from SF to LA down the coast, while beautiful, is also long. I wouldn’t expect to do anything else on either end of that day. Granted, this might be because while I’m usually an assertive/fast driver, I am *terrified* of winding roads on cliffs/mountains so I usually just drive like grandma (ie pretty slow — but I make sure to use the pull-outs to let faster cars go by). You’ll also want to plan around traffic because the 101 heading into LA can get pretty packed.

      LA has tons of different places to stay, things to do, etc. It depends on what you want your trip to focus on — Hollywood/celeb sightings? Beachy culture? Local theatre? Hip foodie places and cool food trucks? Day trip to Disneyland? You will absolutely need a car if you’re in LA even for a few days, if you want to make the most of it.

    6. In SF it is great to stay at a hotel in Japnatown. It is a short walk to Filmore St. which has some of the best restaurnants. Japantown itself is very nice, the Japanese restaurants there are all good, and there is a short bus ride to downtown, waterfront, etc.

      Muir Woods is your redwoods venue just north of SF. across the bay

      1. You’re talking about the Kabuki hotel, I think. But Jtown doesn’t have access to Bart or the street cars – only the 38 bus line is a good one. I like Jtown, but I disagree that the restaurants are all good (benihana?! mifune?!). It’s also quite small. If they want to stumble back to their hotel after a nice night out, and have easy public transit access, then they need to stay in comfortable walking distance of a subway stop i.e. Union Square or the Embarcadero. There are tons of great places to eat around there, great public transit, and great views. Maybe SoMa. Trip Advisor is a great resource.

        Please stay away from the tourist-trap Wharf. On the other hand, as some of my also-local friends like to say – thank god for the wharf. All the tourists flock to it, keeping them out of the rest of the city so we can be in peace ;). But seriously, the Wharf sucks.

        Note that unless you come from a similar topography, don’t just rely on googlemaps to determine what’s “walkable.” There may be eight blocks of steep hills between you and where you’re trying to go.

        Don’t miss the Ferry Plaza Farmer’s Market bonanaza on Saturday mornings. You won’t regret it!

    7. I second the recommendation to do Union Square and stay away from the wharf. i’ve had good luck with priceline. They make you choose neighborhoods when you bid- i’d think about union square and financial district- walkable to lots of stuff. I recently pricelined the Westin in Union Square and it worked well- not a fancy Westin and the rooms are small, but very serviceable and clean. You should check out the Ferry Building, Chinatown and northbeach!

      Also, I’m not an expert on driving to LA but I’ll just say that Carmel is incredibly beautiful. If you go, I’d try to stay in Carmel, not Monterey- carmel is nicer. Have fun!

    8. Note that if you happen to be an ABA member, you get discounts with a lot of different travel things – hotel, car rentals, etc. I know there’s a discount for Hertz car rental.

    9. Obviously, I am biased — since I chose to settle in SF! — but my opinion is that if you are planning to spend a week total in California for your vacation, you should choose either Northern or Southern Cal and not try to do both. If you have two weeks, different story — you can spend one week in the Bay Area and one week in LA. If you’re going to include 2-3 days in wine country, though, you’ll have tons to keep you occupied with a week staying just within Northern California.

      Re: hotels, I second/third/fourth what others have said — stay away from Fisherman’s Wharf. It’s just awful. If you prefer boutique hotels, I’d recommend one of the hotels from the Kimpton group or one of the hotels from the Joie de Vivre (jdvhospitality DOT com) group. The Hotel Vitale is in the Financial District, right across the Embarcadero from the Ferry Building (a don’t-miss, especially the Sat. morning farmers’ market — as others have mentioned). Outside of those two hotel groups, the Mark Hopkins and the Fairmont are old-school classic San Francisco hotels that have good deals from time to time; both are on top of Nob Hill, so they are easy to venture out from but tougher to walk back to! You can always grab a cab to get back up the hill if you’d rather, though.

      If you either (a) don’t really plan on spending much time in the hotel or (b) don’t mind large chain hotels, the Grand Hyatt in Union Square and the Hilton near Union Square are in a reasonably central location. There is also a Hyatt Regency in the Financial District (very close to the Ferry Building as well). If you stay at the Hotel Vitale or the Hyatt Regency you will be right on top of one of the cable car lines, as well as the MUNI trolley line, the MUNI underground lines (J, K, L, M and N), tons of MUNI bus lines and BART. And various ferries. It’s definitely possible to see SF well without a car (saving on what are extremely high parking charges) and then rent a car to head north across the Golden Gate Bridge to visit Muir Woods and then continue on to Point Reyes and/or the wine country. Oh, it’s also very easy to take BART from SFO airport directly into the the city and eventually back to SFO. Then you could rent a car from one of the in-city outlets, which is cheaper than renting at the airport.

      Just FYI — for early October, you may be catching the tail end of harvest in the wine country, which means it could be tough to get hotel reservations, particularly on a weekend. I would recommend doing wine country mid-week and SF on the weekends for this reason alone. (I also recommend the Sonoma side over the Napa side except for Calistoga. . . .) There is a good article probably still archived somewhere on the Budget Travel website called something like “Secret Hotels of California Wine Country.”

      1. And . . . you didn’t ask, but I’m gonna do it anyway! My top ten (not in any order):
        1. Ride the cable cars. Buy a one-day or multi-day pass, because otherwise it’s $5 per ride with NO transfers.
        2. The museums in Golden Gate Park — the Academy of Sciences and the DeYoung.
        3. Browsing the shops, restaurants and bars in: (a) North Beach; (b) Hayes Valley; (c) Union Street [different from Union Square]; and/or (d) the Mission.
        4. Walk or ride rented bikes down at Crissy Field and across the Golden Gate Bridge.
        5. Alcatraz! Yes, it’s touristy, but unlike the Wharf, it’s got substance. Dress far more warmly than you think you will need to.
        6. The Ferry Building, including a farmers’ market — either Sat. morning, Tues. midday or Thurs. afternoon (I think). Even if you can’t make a market day, it’s really fun just wandering around the building and permanent shops and restaurants. Some of my favorites: Boccalone; Blue Bottle Coffee; Out the Door and/or Slanted Door; Cowgirl Creamery and Milk Bar; Sur la Table; and the gelato place.
        7. Eating in SF in general . . . if you’re into eating/restaurants, the best websites/blogs to check out are Eater SF, Tablehopper and the Chowhound board for San Francisco (Chowhound boards are now under chow DOT com). Don’t miss SF Mexican, sushi, dim sum and whatever your other favorite Asian cuisines are. Many places are on opentable DOT com to book reservations online.
        8. See a music performance of some kind — the San Francisco Symphony or a rock concert at the Fillmore, the Warfield, the Independent, the Great American Music Hall, the Boom Boom Room, Brunos’, Bimbo’s, etc., etc., etc.
        9. Wineries in the Dry Creek Valley (outside of Healdsburg) and/or Russian River Valley and a picnic lunch from the Dry Creek General Store.
        10. Drinks somewhere swanky, funky or bleeding-edge hipster . . . the Tonga Room (tiki bar) and the Top of the Mark are across the street from each other and both old-school, though at opposite ends of the spectrum. All sorts of places with artisanal cocktails open every month, so just read local papers when you get here to pick a place (or three), or check those websites I mentioned above for food.
        Have a great trip!

        1. What a great list of things to do in SF! One more hotel idea is the Kensington Park on Post between Mason and Powell – nice place, and very close to Union Square and the cable car line.

        3. An excellent list.

          RE: item 9, I’d also add Yoshi’s Jazz Club, either in SF or Oakland. The clubs have world-class acts and great food.

          RE: item 10, the Tonga Room is under renovation, and has bad food/drinks. However, the Top of the Mark is spectacular and classy – dress up. SF indeed has a very strong cocktail scene, so consider Rickhouse, Alembic, RN74, Smuggler’s Cove, Bourbon & Branch, and Nihon Whiskey Lounge.

          1. Wow, what fabulous advice from you guys! I am seriously excited. Going to print all this out for reference. Thanks soooo much! And, Amy H, I didn’t ask, but I L.O.V.E. your list. Also finding everyone else’s suggestions very very concrete & helpful. Thanks, you’re the best!!

  11. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how your treatments are going. (I posted earlier this week looking for you too.) Just want to send you best wishes and would love to know how you are feeling, etc.
    Luv,
    TX Attny :)

    2. Sending good thoughts as well. We had a friend recently diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, and it is so hard to imagine.

      I am sure there are ups and downs, and wish I could support soulfusion electronically or in person!

      1. Intention to be sweet, obviously, but please let’s not chalk anything up to anyone’s ‘mommy’ anything. Even fun, sweet perpetuating of such myths is hurtful to all of us with ovaries, which not everyone knows do not neuter out brains. (I know you do, Katy– it’s just the principle of killing off those icky ideas that hold us back.)

      2. The term “mommy brain” is derogatory on so many levels–the use of the diminutive, the suggestion that being a mom dumbs you down, etc. PLEASE, WOMEN, DO NOT USE IT!

        1. Yep. Let’s pretend that our hormones don’t impact out emotions and that having a new baby doesn’t make our brains into mush.

          1. This is a specious argument because no one speaks of ‘daddy brain.’ It isn’t pretending we are intelligent, it’s not allowing anyone, let alone eachother and ourselves, to suggest we aren’t. We aren’t debilitated, we aren’t negated, invalidated, or diminished. It isn’t cute to suggest otherwise.

          2. That’s not the point. As someone who has had a baby, I can tell you that it makes you extremely tired, and and yes, sometimes you are walking around in a stupor. This should not be more true of mothers than of fathers. Yet no one uses the term “daddy brain.” I would not take offense to the term “parent brain.” Mommy brain is, however, gender-normative.

        2. I think there is science to suggest that the hormones and emotions surrounding child birth (not to mention the exhaustion) do, in fact, give some women “mommy brain” for a period of time. In my mind, there is nothing derogatory about it — it’s a physical fact. And in my mind, it simply underscores the overwhelming (yet wonderful) process of having a baby. It’s not permanent, it doesn’t “dumb us down” or neuter our brain or anything like that, but to say that we’re 100% the same (emotionally or physically) right after we have a baby just isn’t true.

          1. Oh, and of course we don’t talk about “daddy brain,” because last time I checked, they’re not the ones birthing the babies and experiencing the insane hormone fluctuations of a new mom.

          2. These myths have been scientifically debunked. There is empirically no ‘mommy brain’. Of course, one is tired and affected by labor, delivery, newborns. But not changed or reduced cognitively, not neurologically.

            To perpetrate the myths can be bonding fun, self-deprecating…
            But even in this best of all possible lights, they are deprecating. They hold us back. They allow others to see us as less than, or worse, let ourselves believe we are less than. This is wrong, factually, and wrong, period.

            The author of one such study, quoted in Discovery, 2010:

            “Our results challenge the view that mothers are anything other than the intellectual peers of their contemporaries,” she said.

          3. “Mommy brain” is not hormonal. New parent exhaustion is a physical reaction to serious sleep deprivation. It is not specific to women. My gay male friends raising an adopted baby have it too. Yes, women do the majority of child-rearing in our society, and as a result suffer the majority of “new parent brain.” If we want to change the fact that women are viewed as the child-rearers in society, we have to change our vocabulary around it.

          4. I’d like to know when and how it was debunked, so if you can please post that, I would love to read it. This is one of the later things I have read:

            “Surging hormone levels and new priorities may explain why pregnancy brain happens.

            “There are 15 to 40 times more progesterone and estrogen marinating the brain during pregnancy, and these hormones affect all kinds of neurons in the brain,” says Louann Brizendine, MD, director of the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco and author of several books, including the Male Brain.

            “By the time the woman delivers, there are huge surges of oxytocin that cause the uterus to contract and the body to produce milk — and they also affect the brain circuits.”

            And pregnancy also shuffles what gets your attention. “You only have so many shelves in your brain so the top three are filled with baby stuff,” Brizendine says.

            Your IQ doesn’t change, but your priorities sure do.

            Hormones may also affect spatial memory — which includes remembering where things are — in pregnant women and new moms, a recent British study shows.”

          5. Thought I went through a period like this. Remember reading on the cloud that it would pass, and remember it being called Momnesia which I rather liked at the time since it made me feel I was experiencing something normal!

      3. Or maybe we can assume that having a fashion sense that edges more towards funkier pieces has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than just that?

        1. Right. The things that make us us don’t change when we become mothers. Our brains continue to be ours. Ick on those phrases and wives’ tales abotu us being less than we were. We are who we are.

      4. Just wondering how many pro-term vs. anti-term folks here have had children. Having had children, I’ve use this term affectionately, having experienced 3 post-partum periods of extreme stupidity. Never occurred to me that the term could be offensive because, even at its worst, it is a temporary condition.

        1. Ditto. I and all my friends have used the term after having kids, and I really don’t see the harm. To Anonymous at 9:06, I don’t think anyone is making the sweeping (and inaccurate) generalization that mothers somehow become less intelligent than their peers. All I’m saying is that, at least for me, there was definitely a period of time during pregnancy and immediately afterward that my brain just did not function well, and my Doctor told me that it was all the hormones. It’s not permanent, and for most women, it doesn’t take that long to return to “normal.”

          The exhaustion component that another commenter mentioned exists too, and certainly my husband suffered from that, as well.

        2. I am a mother with a brain as well as a baby and this term pisses me off. No one would ever use it with my husband, who is a new parent and a professional, but this and its ilk are apparently adorable fair game when applied to me. I do not accept being so diminished and I would never diminish my peers this way.

          We women are never perceived the same way once we have children, and that this discrimination is not only considered acceptable but cute is infuriating. Please don’t use it amongst ourselves. If you must put yourself down, have at it, but don’t apply it to others as some kind of sorority. Yuck.

        3. I am a new mother as well and think the term “mommy brain” is slightly derogatory because, not only does it not include the father, but it also doesn’t specify the “new parent” phase.
          I did many stupid things in my first few weeks post delivery, (boy have I got stories for you!) but I’d rather ascribe them to exhaustion, or just being zonked from lack of sleep, or (Even!) stupidity, than to “mommy brain”. There’s just such a sense of irrevocability to it. :)

  13. Thoughts on Tiffany’s diamond by the yard necklace? I’m thinking about getting the single stone but can’t decide on size and material (yellow gold or platinum). What would look good on warm toned fair-med skin? For size, I want it to be dainty yet sparkly enough.

    1. Go for it and congrats and envy-tinged respect to you!

      Yellow would show up more, white metal be more neutral and timeless. Whichever benefits you prioritize. If you want white and they have white gold, I’d go for that and bank the platinum money.

      Yay for you!

    2. I have a necklace that is similar to a diamonds by the yard – with the multiple stones. Mine is white gold and I wear it nearly every day, I love it so much. Your complexion sounds similar to mine and I think you could to gold or platinum. I tend toward silver-colored pieces when I buy pricier items because most all my other jewelry is silver/white gold, etc. When I want a yellow gold necklace or piece, I tend to drop my price point, knowing I won’t get as much wear out of it. If you don’t mind mixing metals or you wear more yellow gold, I think the yellow gold version is lovely. I would snatch up the same necklace in yellow gold if it was in the budget! :)

    3. Thanks for the replies! What size would you suggest? I didn’t see the white gold option on their site.

      1. Tiffany’s might not sell a white gold version. My necklace isn’t a Tiffany piece.

        I only see two different options for solitaires: a platinum version with a .12 ct stone and a yellow gold version with a .05 ct stone. Both are on 16 inch chains, it appears. The .05 stone will be teeny. My necklace has .03 ct stones all the way around. If you’re going with the single stone, I would get the bigger stone, platinum version, since you said you are looking for some sparkle.

        Are you seeing other options that perhaps I’m not seeing?

        1. On their site for yellow gold: .05, .08, .12, .14, .52, .78, .96, 1.01. Platinum: .12, .14, .41, .58, .65, .75, .1.14.

          I’m thinking something between .12 – .41.

          I like the price point and size of Roberto Coin’s version of this; will include in separate comment link to avoid moderation.

    4. Check out Ross Simon’s version–very similar, much cheaper. No one will ever know.

      1. Or
        DanaRebeccaDesignsdotcom

        Especially the Lauren Joy necklace– lots of metals, timeless look, no-big-deal price. I saw a mention in InStyle, looks like lots of celebs wear the pieces– of course, they get them for free, but still. I was impressed and felt like a kid in a candy store with the prices.

    5. I love it. Don’t have it though. Do check out reviews on price scope…some find that the diamonds flip over.

      What about rose gold?

  14. Any tips for what to do/see/eat during a weekend in San Diego? Everyone recommends the zoo and the beach, but I’d appreciate any tips of lesser known attractions. Thanks!

    1. Kono’s by Pacific Beach has yummy breakfast and I like hanging out by Crystal Pier (at Pacific Beach). The zoo is great, go early if you want to see the pandas–the line gets really long. Balboa Park has tons of things to see and you can get a day pass to get into everything. I think you can also get a pass for the park and the zoo at a discount. Also Seal Beach is La Jolla is cute and La Jolla has some great shopping. Sea Port village also has nice shops and last time we were there had lots of fun street performers.

    2. San Diego is kind of a small town, even the locals spend most of their time at the zoo and the beach. Try going north of La Jolla for some cute beaches/beach towns.

      The gas lamp (or is it oil lamp?) district downtown is fun at night–lots of clubs and party-goers.

    3. San Diego is big, so if you are here just for a weekend I would concentrate your efforts on one or two areas close to where you are staying, otherwise your weekend will be filled with lots of car-time.
      Here are my top 5 attractions:
      1. Balboa Park – museums and awesome gardens separate from the zoo.
      2. La Jolla Cove
      3. Coronado Island (take the ferry from the harbor at Broadway and Harbor Drive to Coronado and then back. Ferry runs every 1/2 hour)
      4. Zoo or Wild Animal Park (WAP is inland so it’ll be hot)
      5. Stone Brewery

      1. Second Balboa Park, La Jolla, and Coronado. La Jolla is a fun place, La Valencia has a great Sunday brunch, George’s has some of the best food in town, and its happy hour isn’t a bad price, the Living Room is a nice coffee/dessert place.

        If you want downtown night life, the Gaslamp is where you’ll want to be. Check out yelp reviews for what is still good around there, there’s a pretty high turnover of restaurants and to a lesser extent bars and clubs. Oceannaire was fabulous if it’s still around. If you’re into clubs, several of the nicer hotels have them.

    4. Used to live there and still have a number of friends there. If you can provide more details about your interests/preferences/etc., I can give you some more targeted recommendations.

      Off the bat though, some of my favorite brunch places are Brockton Villa and Cody’s (both in La Jolla, near La Jolla Cove, which is a fun area to walk around and see the water and seals, and right below lots of shopping), and Isabel’s Cantina in Pacific Beach. It’s fun to take the ferry (or drive) to Coronado and rent bikes to ride around. Kayaking on Mission Bay or up in La Jolla is always fun. Balboa Park is great — check and see if there is anything showing at the Old Globe or the other theater while you’re there. Torrey Pines is nice — you can hike or walk along the beach, very beautiful. LOVE Stone Brewery, but it’s pretty far, and you really need to have a DD.

  15. What is everyone doing to prepare for the storm or planning to do during the storm?

    I ran a few errands last night and have more to do today. My first stop was my favorite wine store. Yes, I know I have my priorities straight. I have gotten or am planning to get candles, some canned food (my cat and I can split the tuna), water, batteries, a spare flashlight, a roasted chicken, and some veggies. I’m also going to iron enough clothes to get me through next week, pack an emergency bag (just in case), turn my fridge and freezer down low, hard boil some eggs, and fill my bathtubs with water.

    I’m planning to set myself up in my windowless home office (usually depressing, but at times like this I’m glad), with candles or battery-operated lights, a few good books, and some wine. Best wishes to everyone in the hurricane zone for a safe weekend!

    1. I’m working until 9pm tonight, so stores will be closed when I get home to Brooklyn. I’ve sent my roommate to get bottled water, some canned goods, and catfood. We’ve got candles and some flashlights. I said it above, but my plan is to fully charge my kindle tonight and spend the weekend reading in bed since I’m not in an evacuation zone. I might have to stop by the wine store in Manhattan on my way home though…

      Stay safe everyone!

      1. Here is a tip! NYC taxi’s are required to transport pets during the evacuation. Shelters are also accepting “legal pets with proper identification.” Find your vet records/dog tags now folks!

        1. Thanks for the tip! I’ve got the pet carriers out and I’ll go find my pet records too.

    2. I went on a fruitless hunt around midtown for batteries for the flashlight I found in my office, then luckily found batteries in the supply closet at work. I plan to fill up whatever available pitchers, bottles, and buckets I have at home with water, and the bathtub if the drain will stay closed. I still need to hit up the wine store and the grocery store. Hopefully there will be a few bottles of something left, and I figure I can always just make bread if they’re already out.

      I’m on a low floor facing several brick walls, so for once my lack of a view should come in handy with blocking debris and wind. I’m planning on making serious headway on a brief, then just reading with the hubby.

      My major concern is that my dog is terrified of storms and won’t go outside for anything. Even if I get him outside, he just freezes and won’t do anything until I give up and get him back in. I’m thinking paper towels might be the most important thing I stock up on.

  16. I know it’s hard, but I wish this blog had more items featured that were actually purchased and worn/used by Kat. I really liked some of the guest posts this week where the person actually said “I bought this and love it, I wear it like x.” Obviously we can’t expect Kat to do the kind of shopping where she owns everything featured on the site, but if she was going to feature a leather necklace and recently bought one – why not the one she actually bought? It would help speak to quality issues that people often wonder about when an item is featured, especially since so much shopping here is done online. I guess I just worry that the items suggested are suggested for an ulterior motive – directing us to certain stores, etc.
    Maybe it’s just me. Sigh.

    1. I hear you but don’t see a problem. She’s an editor and we’re her readership, rather than a personal style blog wherein she records her days and we are in the voyeur seat.

      It’s like she’s shopping with us, rather than we’re watching her shop.

      1. Junior rant, I hear ya. I also understand the parameters and limitations of the blog, but editors often get the stuff sent to them that they recommend so they can see it in person. Not that that’s 100% reliable. But I would also prefer actual recommendations at least half the time, and she doesn’t have to buy the item. I remember a while back, Kat did a post on shoes she saw at Nordstrom that were just gorgeous & she couldn’t look away from them. And I bought those shoes because the recommendation was more credible, and I actually really love them. I’m not worried about ulterior motives with the nonpersonal recs, but I just don’t find the recomendations as credible. To me a target rec doesn’t hold weight unless you can say, “I was in Target, this was awesome!” Same for a $2K jacket, btw. Just saying.

  17. SF Bay Area meet up – who’s in? Weekend of Sept 10/11 work for folks? Based on the info we’ve shared, it seems we have folks in San Jose, Palo Alto, SF, and East Bay, so I’m thinking PA/San Mateo/Burlingame as a mid point. Thoughts? Other date preferences?

    1. I’ve gotten a few emails asking for information. I haven’t really taken the time to come up with an idea. :(

      I personally probably can’t make that weekend because of a trip but if it works for everyone else, I will just make it to the next meet-up.

      1. I’m not wedded to that date – just an idea! Let’s move it to one that works for everyone.

        1. Ok looks like people like the weekend of the 24th of September (except for Jr. Prof, alas). Karenpadi?

          Joya’s a good idea, but I think if we’re in PA, depending on our party size, then Nola may be a better choice – more spacious, more tables. Joya is smaller. What do you think ML and MJ? Either is walkable from Caltrain for the carless SF’ers, and not far from the Dumbarton for the East Bay’ers.

          1. I’m totally fine with Joya or Nola. Lemme know if you wanna take this offline…might be easier to coordinate via email. Maybe one person can put out an email and we can all email that person if we’re interested? or whatever.

          2. Coincidentally, I’m back for a work meeting that week! Looks like I can join you after all.

    2. Fun! I can do the 10th/11th or the weekend of the 24th. I’m in Palo Alto. Looking forward to it!

    4. I’m in the Bay Area (East Bay) too! Not sure yet about that weekend but I’d love to be added to the email list.

    5. Yes–but not that weekend. I suggest Joya in Palo Alto. It’s on university and has yummy sangria.

    6. I’m in the Bay Area as well and would love to meet up. The weekend of the 10th won’t work for me, but the 24th is perfect. I’m actually new-ish to the area, and would love to meet some new folks :)

      1. The weekend of the 24th works for me. I agree, Nola’s would be bigger/better.

  18. Ok everyone.. it’s time to mentally start getting attached to travel ideas before I even get the days off approved :) I would like to do a few days in New York in October as a mini-honeymoon (weekends are difficult so it would be Sun-Wed, this works best for our calendar). Where should we stay? I don’t want to spend too much (preferably I would say $250 as a cap for total hotel fees/night, but please let me know if this is drastically unrealistic). We’ll have a car and are also very used to public transit, so we could stay, e.g., in Brooklyn if that’s better. Any suggestions? I’ve stayed in the Pod Hotel in midtown Manhattan a couple times a few years ago and enjoyed it, but further thoughts are always welcome :)

    1. I live here now, but when I traveled to NYC for work I used to stay at Gild Hall, down in the Financial District. It’s not as convenient as Midtown if you were planning on doing the museums by Central Park etc, but it’s a real charming boutique hotel and the rooms are actually large by NY standards – and they were for less than $300, if I remember correctly.

    2. My parents always stayed at the Washington Square Hotel when they came to visit me in law school. It’s (as the name implies) right on Washington Square. I can’t remember their prices, but I doubt it was too too much if my parents were staying there, so you might want to check into that. Manhattan hotels do get pricey, though, so you might want to check the outer boroughs. There are several new (and nice) hotels near me in Long Island City in Queens that are much cheaper than Manhattan, but they really aren’t in the greatest parts of Long Island City, so it depend son your comfort level with slightly sketchier areas.

    3. $250 as a cap is realistic, I think. Esp. mid-week.
      Consider staying somewhere in midtown east or in murray hill (east 30’s). It’s more affordable, but still very convenient to most things and very safe.
      Brooklyn might actually not be much cheaper than Manhattan b/c there are just not as many hotels. You could stay somewhere just over the river in NJ, Edgewater, Hoboken, etc., but not sure if you wanted to actually be in NYC.
      One thing to consider, parking is expensive if you don’t want to spend too much moving your car on the street.

  19. Are DC people doing anything for the storm? I did not buy anything… should I have? Should I even bother to try now?

    2. If you live in an area with above-ground power lines I’d be prepared for an outage, and if it’s Pepco, an outage of several days. I personally just made sure I had a lighter for my candles and I dug out my flashlight. I always have some bottles of clean water around, too.

      1. Oh, and charge your cell phone and any other devices you might want to use during a power outage!

    3. Wash your dishes, clothes, linens, and bod now while you can, then plug up your tub and fill w h20 for washing and making the toilet flush. Fill some water bottles for drinking water. Find your flashlight. Fill up your cell phone and your car’s gas tank. Dig out or grab some crackers, peanut butter, etc. Hand sanitizer. If you have outside stuff (patio furniture, etc.) you can bring in to prevent it smashing through your windows, do. Then… wine and naps, friend. Wine and naps. Mandatory relaxing.

    4. Not doin’ a thing, except lamenting that my bus back to NYC for school was cancelled.

    5. I’m going to a friend’s Caribbean-themed party in Ballston. He thought about cancelling it, but then decided not to since a hurricane fits with the theme (it’s inside, no worries). This morning, everything was downgraded so to me, it really doesn’t seem all that bad. I’m still going to charge everything I need this afternoon, just in case. I also thought about filling the bathtub, but my roommate is a moron and I can absolutely picture him letting out the water when he comes home to take a shower and then not filling the tub back up because “it wastes water, and people don’t ‘lose’ water during a storm, that’s weird.” Then I won’t have to deal with him when he realizes he can’t flush the toilet.

    1. oh my.

      I am all for children’s books about health and nutrition, taking good care of yourself, and the correlation between food, exercise, & your body. Let’s face it – this country has an obesity issue and education starts early.

      “Maggie Goes On A Diet” sounds like the wrong vehicle for that message though (why Maggie and not Joey? Why a diet instead of just healthy eating?). Something more gender neutral and less twinged with hints of anorexia (etc) would be preferable.

      I like the sound of the Dinosaur book!

    2. I just read about this (full disclosure) in People magazine while getting my toes done. My answer is a resounding NO NO NO. The idea that someone needs to be thin to be beautiful or feminine – which the cover suggests to me – disturbs me.

    3. Hmm, I think there are obese children for whom diets are recommended and a book exploring those issues might not be a bad thing, but this… well, I’d have to see it, but that doesn’t sound like that’s what this.

  21. What do you all think about mid-week weddings? I’m in an out-of-town (for everybody, including bride, groom, family and friends) wedding on a Wednesday, and I’m not happy about it. This means taking several days off work, which is going to interfere with my already-planned-but-not-yet-booked vacation with my husband. Grrrrrrr.

    Okay, so Carolyn Hax would say that I am an adult and I do have a choice – I could choose not to be in the wedding or even attend. I have chosen to be involved, so I know I have to live with that. I guess my question is, how do I avoid being (openly) resentful about the inconvenience and (dare I say it) selfishness of it, and instead play ecstatic friend to the blushing bride while we plan the big day?

    1. I think you have to make the decision whether you’re in or you’re out. Then you have to embrace the decision once it’s made. If you’re in, you’re in. No use complaining about the middle-of-the-week-planning-stupidity or the fact that no-one-else-in-the-universe-would-ever-put-a-wedding-on-a-Wednesday-except-insane-people. If you’re out, then politely bow out, explain that it’s in the middle of the week and you can’t take an entire week off of work, and then own the decision.

      Either way, I wouldn’t dwell on it too much. There are going to be a lot of people who can’t attend because it’s on a Wednesday.

      I have a few good friends who got married on a Tues/Weds/Thurs because it was the only time they could get into the venue of their choice (Salt Lake City). Consequently, they didn’t expect everyone to attend.

    2. I think you have to make the decision whether you’re in or you’re out. Then you have to embrace the decision once it’s made. If you’re in, you’re in. No use complaining about the middle-of-the-week-planning-stupidity or the fact that no-one-else-in-the-universe-would-ever-put-a-wedding-on-a-Wednesday-except-insane-people. If you’re out, then politely bow out, explain that it’s in the middle of the week and you can’t take an entire week off of work, and then own the decision.

      Either way, I wouldn’t dwell on it too much. There are going to be a lot of people who can’t attend because it’s on a Wednesday.

      I have a few good friends who got married on a Tues/Weds/Thurs because it was the only time they could get into the venue of their choice (Salt Lake City). Consequently, they didn’t expect everyone to attend.

      1. Why were you in the wedding if you didn’t want to be? The couple and the hosts set the context, invite you to jump in, and you either do or don’t.

    3. I hate to be harsh, but if you’re going to be openly resentful about it, then please stay home. It’s the couple’s prerogative to choose any day/time/place they want for a wedding. It’s your prerogative to decide whether you’d like to attend. As long as the couple is understanding that guests/possible attendants may not be available to attend midweek, they have every right to put the wedding on a Wednesday or Tuesday or even a Monday.

      1. I mean, I get it, they can have their wedding whenever they want. it just feels like they care more about whatever reason they have for a mid-week wedding than making it easy/possible for their friends and family to be there. It seems selfish, and inconsiderate, and I’d back out now. But I’m in a mean mood because of hurricane anxiety, so take this with a grain of salt.

        1. Yeah, but by that regard any wedding could be seen as selfish. A couple who has no family where they currently live may be seen as selfish for not having the wedding in their hometown. A couple that has a destination wedding is selfish because it may not be affordable. The couple that chooses a holiday wedding is selfish for not thinking about other people’s holiday plans- the list goes on. There’s no one date/time/place that will suit all guests, and the people who can’t come for whatever reason just need to get over themselves.

        2. Alright – I’m going to channel my inner Hax here. It might help to recognize that different people have different priorities regarding what their wedding looks like. It sounds like you (and me too, for that matter) value the presence of family and friends to share in the ceremony of marriage, and as such would tailor your own wedding to fit that priority. For whatever reason, there is something that makes this having this wedding on a Wednesday a priority to your friend. Maybe they met on a Wednesday? Maybe this Wed is the anniversary of something important to them? Maybe the location they are using was only available at that time and there was a compelling reason for that location? Maybe they don’t want that many people to come and purposefully scheduled it to be inconvenient? Whatever it is, its apparently important to them for one reason or another, even though it might not be apparent to everyone else. Weddings seem to be a big exercise in being a good host and being significant to the couple getting married.

          But, whatever the case, if you commit to go, then go with an open heart. Although, if the bride starts complaining about no one coming, I think you get at least one free pass to say “Uh – you scheduled in the middle of the week. What were you expecting?”
          /end Hax

          1. I had a friend schedule a wedding for a Thursday. Her open rationale was “It’s so much cheaper.” Yes, for you. I resented the hell out of it. And when I had another friend schedule a wedding for a Friday (rehearsal on Thursday, girls day Wednesday), I politely said no, told her I loved her, sent a handwritten note on the day of the wedding via the hotel staff and was so happy not to be resentful. If you are resentful now, you will probably resent it the day of — and that’s not okay, though it’s totally fine to skip (just make sure she knows she’s loved, and tell her earlier rather than later). And don’t back down once you make the decision. Good luck.

          2. Thanks everyone for all the thoughtful responses. As for the couple’s reasoning for having the wedding on a Wednesday – it’s a combination of cost (things are much cheaper on a Wednesday) and there is some historical meaning to the day for the couple.

            I really appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I think I just needed to vent a bit, but I plan to go forward being fully supportive and happy for them. After all, their wedding is not about me – and I am sure they will get grief from plenty of others, so I will do my best to just be as enthusiastic as possible.

      2. I think this would be fine if the couple did take the “we understand not everyone will be able to make it, thanks for trying if you can” attitude. My experience is that is not what happens. Instead, the couple takes an attitude of, “But but but…this is our SPECIAL DAY!! Why can’t you take off work/get an expensive sitter/travel thousands of miles/etc. etc.” There’s not an understanding that the day/time they picked may not be convenient for other people. I do not go to holiday weddings for that very reason – it’s great for the couple’s family to get to see each other for the holidays, but I have my own family I like to spend time with during the holidays, thanks. Yet my husband and I have been guilted because we refused to attend a wedding that was being held over a Thanksgiving weekend (nightmare travel time, with very little time off work, plus the wedding couple had scheduled activities for wedding participants beginning the Friday morning after Thanksgiving and continuing through the Sunday after. Our off-time is so rare and precious to us that we didn’t really feel like spending it being herded through various wedding-related activities – on a busy holiday weekend hundreds of miles from our home, no less).

        It would be great if couples planned their weddings with a true understanding that their preferences may mean others can’t attend the event, and maintain an attitude of tolerance and understanding. In my experience, maybe 1 in 20 couples actually does that.

  22. Hi ladies,
    I am wondering whether there are exceptions to the pedigree requirement/academic credentials of Big Law if someone has a demonstrated history of professional success in a niche area that can be transferred to law practice. I have had a very successful career 15+ year non-law career. I went to a T3 law school evening program (while I continued to work full time), but didn’t get the best grades. I want to move into an attorney position now, but the only law firms that practice in my area of expertise are Big Law. I don’t know whether I should pursue positions in Big Law or if that door is forever closed to me. Any advice/insight would be appreciated!

    1. Are you a recent grad? And have you practiced at all in your niche area as an attorney? To be brutally honest, especially in this environment, you will probably have significant trouble coming in as a first year to Big Law from a T3 school with not so hot grades. Not saying you shouldn’t try or that the avenue is permanently closed, esp. if you truly have some specialized knowledge or background. Just saying it’s going to be an uphill road, at best. At least in my experience and opinion.

    2. It is likely that the door is closed, but I do know a few people who have made this transition despite having attended the part-time program of their local law school. It can’t hurt to apply for openings and send unsolicited resumes. But given the state of the economy, you’ll have an uphill battle. You have nothing to lose from applying, but you’ll probably have better luck looking to move into the legal department in your current field.

    3. Hate to be harsh, but no, I don’t think T3 with so-so grades can be mitigated by non-law experience. If you have a personal connection and someone at a firm really knows and understands the extent of your prior success, then maybe, but if you’re just dropping resumes, I’d give you an infinitesimal chance.

    4. Thank you for the responses! I graduated 3 years ago and I have never practiced law. If there are no “experience exceptions” in big law then I’d rather not waste my time applying to those positions and appreciate your candor.

      1. Before you give up altogether, perhaps consider if you can set up an informational interview with someone at one of these firms. Maybe there is an alumni connection? Some other basis? Given the niche area that you are saying you have expertise in, it can’t hurt to get the perspective of someone in that same niche area.

    5. I had a similar background to you–1st career in another field that translated to a niche area of the law, went to law school ranked around 60 or so, and graduated smack in the middle of my class–and I was sucessful in getting into our regional “biglaw” (not NY, Chicago, etc, but about a 300+ lawyer firm, fancy office, large midwestern city, pays well, etc.) I found that my background was huge help in landing my job.

      The limiting factor with your background is where you went to school. Your T3 degree is probably like mine–good to get you a job in your local area where there are some successful alumni around, but not going to get you in the door in another city. If your local area is NY or Chicago where there are just a ton of law schools and you’re crowed out by the higher-ranked ones (in other words, local doesn’t give you any edge), I’d shoot for smaller “boutique” firms in your niche, since smaller places are more likely to bend the rules about who they’ll interview and hire.

      My advice would be to find out which firms have decent-sized practices in your niche, and try to get informational interviews with them… tell them your history and that you’re considering making the switch–ask about their practice and their needs, and see what happens.

      Also, I assume you know people in your industry from your prior experience–use that! Name drop! Law firms love it when you know clients or potential clients, and when you can lend the firm a little credibility by speaking their language. I work in a technical niche with a bunch of english majors and I get sent to talk w/ the clients all. the. time. for this reason.

      Also, if your current employer is aware that you’re looking for a change, I’d also try to talk to whoever is your attorney now–if you have an in house lawyer or a go-to firm, they might be willing to talk to you or (if you have in-house legal) even start giving you some legal work to do.

  23. Hi Ladies,

    I had an interview yesterday afternoon for an in-house legal position and was wondering whether to send a thank you letter. I really have not interviewed in a while and so googled the issue and saw that there are different schools of thought on whether to send one. What do y’all reccommend? When I did OCI interviews (7 years ago), i sent them, and I thought it was pretty much a rule to send them. However, I am hearing that it’s not necessary anymore and may in fact make a candidate look desperate…what say ye? Thanks in advance for your input

    1. I’m in-house & appreciate getting a thank-you note. I think it’s still a nice touch & won’t hurt you (unless you say something really off, of course). I’ve always looked at them positively & actually tend to think “what happened to manners” when I don’t get them, even though I know they’re less common.

    2. You should send something. I think it is weird when I get a thank you note but I like a thank you e-mail. If I don’t get an e-mail I wonder whether the candidate is really interested. It should be professional but personal. IMHO of course!

  24. Earlier this summer I discovered the wonders of casual jersey skirts for summer weekends – so much cooler than shorts. I love the Old Navy ones that have a foldover waistband, so I bought a few new colors recently when they were on sale.

    I’m wondering, would it look ridiculous to keep wearing these skirts through the fall with tights? Or are they summer-only and I should wait until next summer to wear them?

    FWIW, I’ve never really understood the sundress-with-tights look, so I don’t want to look like I’ve dressed seasonally-inappropriate. Thanks!

      1. You can probably wear a slip to avoid cling. I thought slips were stupid as a concept until a few years ago, but they really do help out a lot with cling issues.

    3. Agree on the cling. Consider some A line denim or corduroy skirts for fall/warmer winter days instead. Boden always has some cute ones.

      1. corduroy skirts are a great casual but cute look for fall! same goes for certain tweedy fabrics. very fun and better than jersey IMO.

    4. FWIW, I wear my thicker ones (which are from American Apparel a few years ago) pretty much year round, adding tights when it’s cold out. So comfortable. They’re thick enough to not need a slip.

    5. I got the skirt that you’re referring to a few weeks ago (for 19 dollars!) and I love, love, love, love, love it! Such a great skirt- casual but looks lovely, so comfortable! But I agree that it would likely cling to tights. But, if you try it and it doesn’t, I think that it would work for casual wear for fall (I think that it would look weird with a heavy sweater, though, so I’d stick to between temps.)

  25. I posted months ago soliciting advice on whether to accept a teaching fellowship at a law school. I turned it down, because I love my current line of work and don’t want to enter the academy. But I do love to teach and am interested in becoming an adjunct. Does anyone here adjunct? How did you find your position? Should I just be emailing the academic affairs deans at law schools, or is there a more formal process? I’ve looked around at all my local law schools (DC area), and none of them have information online on how to become an adjunct.

    Thanks, and I’d also appreciate any general advice you might have.

    1. Oh, and I’m not wedded to the idea of teaching law. If anyone knows about adjuncting in international relations or poli sci, I’d be interested in hearing about that too.

    2. I work full time in research in the gov/NPO sector and teach a graduate level research class in my field one night a week (it’s a 4 hour class that starts at 6pm and runs for 8 weeks in the quarter) – rather than an adjunct you might want to look for variations on the title, since the associated commitment for professor, part-time professor, adjunct, instructor, etc. differs greatly by institution (for example, my title is “part-time instructor” but I believe if I do this for several years I can be bumped to “part-time professor”). I really love teaching and the one night a week + related grading, prepping lectures is just the right amount of commitment for me. Doing it also helps keep me on top of what’s current in my industry and better understand concepts, etc.

      Anyhoo – there are several website that have higher education jobs/positions. Also, journals in my field at least will have ads for faculty wanted. Your best bet, though, would probably be to review the department and university websites for the areas/schools you’re interested to work in. I got my position from attending a workshop, where another prof in my department, heard me talking about the field and asked me if I’d be interested to teach, I said yes and by the lunch break I was on his cell talking to the head of his department and sending in my CV that night.

      Reaching out to the departments is a good idea and asking them to keep your CV on file – that way they can alert you if there’s an opening or sometimes they may ask you to “sub” or give a guest lecture which can be fun. And as a point of reference, I’m a Master’s level in my field with several years experience and make about $8k per class at a public university, so the extra $32-$40k a year from teach really makes an impact on my household income and is totally worth the working one night a week, grading papers on the occasional weekend.

    3. I work full time as in-house counsel and also adjunct at two local law schools. I would recommend introducing yourself to the Associate Dean at the law school(s) where you would like to teach. S/he is the one who has the unenviable task of arranging the curriculum each semester. You have likely missed the cycle for Spring 2012, and it may be too early for Fall 2012. Send a letter with your CV and proposals for classes you are qualified and would like to teach. Then follow up with a phone call.

    4. I’m an adjunct, but in business not law. I found my first position as an adjunct at a local junior college via networking: I sent out an email to all my girlfriends, networking contacts etc., in all fields. A friend knew the dean, I walked in and was hired on the spot. So I second the advice to talk to the deans at the local school(s) where you would like to teach. For your first position, you might branch out from law to ethics, business law or paralegal classes in addition to poli sci. After you get the first position, it’s easier to find others in your preferred subject area(s).

      I disagree that it might be too late for 2012: Most adjuncts are hired at the last minute, especially with today’s funding issues. You might pre-prep a course syllabus for a lower-division business law class to show that you know how to choose a textbook (unless you know that the school pre-selects texts for each class), structure a semester/term and how to set up a grade scale and rubric. Do a lot of research in the uni’s course catalogue. If you google “syllabus” and the class/university, you’ll probably come up with some examples. That’s what I did and I impressed people because they knew that I had done my research. Also, develop a short philosophy statement about why you want to teach (e.g. skill at mentoring, application of research interest, area of specialty).

      As far as info, The Chronicle of Higher Ed (www DOT chronicle DOT com) has great advice columns and hints on applying as well as job openings. I think it’s the best web resource.

      Good luck! I find adjuncting to be extremely rewarding but it can be tough to find that first class in this economy.

    5. My experience with the adjuncts we’ve hired in my dept. is that they’ve mostly come through word of mouth & professional connections, so networking, attending talks at the school(s) where you’d like to teach, meeting faculty there, etc. will be helpful.

      If you know someone in the dept., you can email to inquire about openings and send a sample syllabus of a course you’d like to teach. This exact method worked for an acquaintance of mine: she wrote to inquire whether we had any openings the same day I was offered a semester visiting at another institution. I went to the dept. chair with my request for a leave and the suggestion of her course to replace the one I wouldn’t teach – he essentially hired her on the spot (before even meeting her).

      My sense is that many adjunct jobs become available because of exigencies: sabbaticals, short-term gov’t appointments, maternity or other sudden and short-term personal leaves. Getting your name & qualifications in front of deans & chairs who are scrambling to fill teaching slots at the last minute should do the trick.

  26. Ladies – what do you use to track items you are interested in to notify you when they go on sale?

  27. Lately I’ve been feeling like my relationship is in a rut, or maybe going downhill. It seems like the only time I spend with my boyfriend is commuting, sleeping, eating, doing work from the same room, and various family and friend functions that we attend together. We don’t have any “us” time. I have tried to explain this to boyfriend but he says “we spend lots of time together” and references the list of activities above. When he suggests going out with his friends for drinks, I suggest that we stay in and watch a movie or similar, he will jump to the conclusion that I don’t like his friends or something.

    This is probably the most common boy problem of all time. How do I fix it?

    1. I’ll second Little Lurker–dtmfa. I went through something similar. Quite frankly, if you’ve brought it up and he doesn’t seem to care, he’s settled into the relationship. He’s comfortable and doesn’t see the need to change.

      1. haha — hardly my acronym; I think I picked it up from Dan Savage. Not to reveal too much about myself, but my most recent relationship (which was LONG for a young’in) had this exact problem, and we realized after a lot of arguing that we weren’t in love any more. It sucks. Best to you!

    2. I’m 48 and told I look 38 so I’m happy with my KISS (as my dermatologist told me – “Keep It Simple, Stupid”) routine.

      Rinse face every morning (no cleanser)
      Proactive toner (still incredibly oily and acne prone)
      SPF 50 on face and neck (every single morning since 1999)
      Remove make-up and wash face with Cetaphil every night
      Atralin Retinol

      Hair professionally relaxed and colored every 8 weeks
      Manicure every week
      Pedicure every other week in summer, maybe once each month in winter

      One hour in gym (cardio/weights) or 60 minute power walk in my hilly neighborhood every weekday
      Sporadic weekend hikes (maybe twice each month)

      At least 6 cups water each day
      As much laughter as possible
      Sleepover with my best friend very night (aka happy marriage)

      Works like a charm!

    3. It sounds like you feel there is something missing. My fiance and I went through this a couple of years ago. We got too comfortable and ended up just drifting apart a bit. It took a very cute former cheerleader of a co-worker calling him for “mentoring” and “advice” at all hours for me/us to realize what had happened. It was not easy or comfortable, but we made it through and now we make a conscious effort to do things together, plan day trips, or even agree to drive to get the dry cleaning together so we can talk and catch up. This has made a huge difference and I can honestly say that we are now “together” again!

    4. I’d actually suggest more time apart. It’s very easy to get caught up in the routine of everyday life where you are together, but not really “there.” It’s a very strange feeling because you get tired of the person, but miss them at the same time.

      Try to separate a bit- each go out for drinks with different groups of people, do work in different rooms, don’t text/call each other all throughout the day. The time you do spend together should feel more special and deliberate this way.

      Also “date” each other, like you did when you first starting seeing each other. Schedule specific dates. Meet up at a restaurant instead of going there together. Go on an adventure- try an activity you’ve never tried before together.

    5. My dad once told me that guys are “activities based” life forms. They like to participate in an activity (preferably one that has a beginning and end) and then maybe talk about it. Maybe not.

      He doesn’t understand your desire for “us time” because he sees your participating in activities together and then not talking about it as “us time.”

      So you need to schedule an “activity” that qualifies as your idea of “us time.” My favorite is “going for a walk.” You may prefer “cooking a meal” or “taking a class” or “getting a massage.” But all need to be scheduled and have a start and end point. Then he will feel like you are “doing” something together, rather than just “being” together.

      (Being is for guys who smoke a lot of pot.)

      Anyway, it doesn’t sound like a serious problem. Just a conflict of expectations / communication styles. If all else is right, I’d work on this for three months and see if you’re happier or you’re done.

      Best of luck.

      PS My dad is a psychologist, and is oddly good at these sorts of things. “Activities” as a way to understand all male behavior has been pretty helpful in my life. And not just the dating parts either!

    6. Hmm, I think you both need to compromise a little. If you’re commuting and eating together fairly often already, I think you should work on making that into “us time” when it’s by chatting more during these activities, lighting candles during your meals, etc. Hard for me to see how watching a movie (your idea of us time) instead of going out together with friends is any better than having a nice dinner alone together.

    7. I think a couple has to have regular “couple time” where you focus on each other. Date nights are great – get a little dressed up and go out for dinner and a movie, or just meet for a happy hour cocktail and hold hands. A good date night can do wonders for a relationship. Going out with a group of people doesn’t accomplish the same thing.

  29. I’ve been really happily married for a long time now and aside from “commuting, sleeping, eating, doing work from the same room, and various family and friend functions that we attend together” and the occasional play or movie, what else is there? We go out to restaurants, hang out with friends and family, see a movie once in a while and go for a walk now and then. It is nothing much, but it is everything.

    Perhaps the problem is not what you do, but the attention you give each other while you are doing it. Maybe you can explain that to your boyfriend and he’ll get it.

    I wish you the best.

    1. I so agree. The list she lists = life. It’s not the list that’s the problem, but the person with whom you’re sharing your list. Sharing your life. Or, respectfully, sisterly, there’s just a need to grow up and accept the list as life. You accept life for what it is, find a delightful, kind person to share the life with, and sure, you spice it up when you can, but the default will always be reality. And it’s fabulous with the right attitude and right partner.

    2. throw in some weekend trips/mini-vacations, and i agree with this absolutely 100%. my SO is my best friend, and i can’t imagine anything better than rolling through the routines and ups/downs of our life together.

      OP – do you fundamentally like your boyfriend? if what you need is just a little more romance/romantic attention, maybe institute a standing date night.

  30. Folks – I think it’s time to bite the bullet, and get reading glasses to go over my contact lenses (I feel so old!). But I’d like cute, young, fashionable ones, not the kind from the supermarket. Any ideas?

    (Sitting on the sofa, laptop on lap, watching hurricane coverage, SO glad I don’t live in DC anymore – stay safe, y’all!)

    2. As long as you don’t have much astigmatism, I’d recommend bifocal contacts instead. They cost about the same as regular contacts and are so much more convenient. There are several geometries and as long as you find one that works for you, you put them in and you can see all distances with no eye strain. I think the technology (both for the materials and for the geometry) is getting better, so you’re more likely to find a brand that is both at the comfort level you want with the right geometry.

    1. This is an excellent post. Usually if you want more info, your local law enforcement (if in a larger urban area) or immigration legal aid office will have information, pointers, and numbers to call if you do see anything that raises red flags for you.

  32. My bf and I are in the early stages of considering getting a pet. We’re still debating between dogs and cats. We live in an apartment with no yard, I work from home about half the time. No kids. We definitely plan on adopting from a shelter and have no strong breed preferences. The ideal is an affectionate cat/toy dog with little shedding that would be content with apartment living and a daily walk. Trying to work getting a pet into our budget. Any advice as to costs, considerations etc.?

    1. Dogs are really beautiful creatures. They are a lot of work, but they are also so rewarding and bring so much to your life. Based on what you’ve said about your life, you should look into lower-energy breeds (King Charles Spaniel or French Bulldog, for example). All dogs shed and it’s just part of dog ownership, but I’ve found that dogs with thicker fur (labs, pugs, huskies, etc.) tend to shed more than dogs with longer hair that need to be groomed (terriers/spaniels/poodles).

      You can also go to a good shelter or rescue organization and explain what you’re looking for. They usually know the dogs they have and their personalities, plus they have a strong interest in placing the dogs in a good fit home.

      For costs, our dog needs a midday walk while we’re at work so he’s on the more expensive side: $100 a week for a daily walk and one day of doggy daycare, plus food and toys and vet bills ($300/year for routine stuff, but figure $1000 for emergencies). Also factor in the costs of boarding or a pet sitter if you travel a lot – that can range from $30-$60 a day depending on the service.

      1. We have a similar living situation and have two dogs. We adore them and love, love, love them BUT they are a lot of work and cost a lot of money.

        Both of ours are large (Golden and Bernese) and naturally shed a ton. We recently started using a brush called the “Furminator” (I kid you not), and it has cut down on the shedding tremendously – I’d say they shed 90% less. With the hurricane, our cleaning service cancelled this week and I don’t even think we need to vacuum – its that good.

        If you get a puppy my number one piece of advice would be to get pet insurance. We thought it was a scam so we didn’t with our first and spent thousands on emergency medical treatments (multiple x-rays, surgery and tests after the Goldie swallowed a sock).

        Depending on where you live $100 a week for walks/day care, $50-100 a month for food/treats/basic grooming. Also, if you get a puppy neutering/spaying can cost anywhere between $300-700 (female spaying generally costs more than neutering). Overnight care $25-75, depending on the size of the dog. About $200-300 for a basic obedience school or ($75-150 hr for a trainer). Not to mention a significant amount of your own time/energy.

        They are the best and the love and companionship that they provide is worth every penny and then some. I’ve currently got one sitting on the couch to my right with his tail wagging in my face and the other below with his head resting on my feet.

        Good luck and have fun!

    2. I have one of each, and both are really fun to have around. Our cat is very “dog-like” in that he meets us at the door each day, wants to be wherever his “people” are, wakes us up in the morning, etc. Definitely not a hide-under-the-bed kitty. The dog also likes being with his “people,” so generally all four of us are in the same room at the same time. Both have been really fun pets.

      It’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges to try to recommend which one to get, but I will say that while having a dog is very rewarding and fun, I was surprised by how much more expensive a dog is and how much more work is involved. Our cat costs us about $400 a year (including all food, vet bills, toys, etc.); once my husband and I both go back to working full time, our dog will cost us about $400 a MONTH. And we walk him at least 5-6 times a day (1-2 long walks, and several potty breaks), rain or shine. Personally I like having something that forces me to go outside and take a break from the stress of the day, but you have to make sure that taking care of a dog wouldn’t just feel like added stress to you. Just something to think about. Good luck with your decision!

      PS – Whichever way you decide to go, I recommend using Amazon for everything. I buy our pet food, flea/tick meds, heartworm meds, toys, etc. on Amazon and pay much less than I would pay at the vet or at PetSmart. And they have a good selection of natural (no animal by-product) dry foods.

    3. I always thought I was a dog person, but I got a cat a couple of years ago because I wanted a pet and didn’t think a dog would be good in an apartment.

      Having a cat isn’t as low-maintenance as I expected and was a big lifestyle change. No more sleeping in on the weekends and some friends no longer visit because of allergies.

      Every couple of weeks I have to clip her nails and that’s a real battle. Every couple of days I brush her teeth and use the Furminator. Maybe once a month I bathe her with spray shampoo. I’m always cleaning her litterbox. She also requires a lot of playtime. So I don’t think a dog would be a good idea for me.

      Last year I spent ~$1000 on vet bills for routine stuff (dental cleaning and health screens). She gets eye infections from time to time (common in shelter animals) so I have to watch out for that too.

      Having a cat is really the best thing I’ve done in adulthood. She is extremely affectionate and really makes me laugh a lot. My blood pressure has dropped to normal and my stress levels have definitely decreased.

      1. Generally you shouldn’t have to clip nails if they sharpen them. That will keep them sort of filed and negate the need for clipping. Will she use a scratching post or cat condo type of thing to scratch on?

        1. I clip her nails BECAUSE she sharpens them. it’s not very pleasant to have her sharp claws digging into my skin when she snuggles up at night.

    4. Similar living situation here too. I have two cats; other people on the block have a mini-dachshund and an italian greyhound. All are good for apartments.

      Cats are easier in terms of daily care. Apart from feeding, cleaning the box, etc., they also require brushing (weekly or daily depending on coat) and socialization (at least 15 minutes of play time a day). We also clip their nails every two weeks and bathe them once a season, but these are not required. There will be cat hair no matter what you do, so expect to ramp up your vacuuming schedule.

      The medical costs are dramatically reduced if you get a cat from a shelter. Our last cat was a “free” kitten from a coworker- to get her vaccinated, chipped, fixed, up-to-date on flea meds, etc. has been cost-exorbitant. Shelters usually have a one-time fee, and the cat is good to go out the door. You’ll only have to take care of maintenance visits to the vet.

      Food and litter run around $20 a month, and yearly vet visits are around $60, but this can vary if they need shots. Make sure you have a fund set up or pet insurance, because emergency vet bills can sky-rocket unbelievably.

      Kittens melt your heart but they can be little terrors. It’s like having a toddler sometimes. Prepare to spend a lot more time yelling “no,” re-arranging your furniture and knickknacks, and pushing them off your keyboard (as I write this, I’m being “helped” by little paws on the keyboard swiping at my hands).

      If this is your first pet, you might want to look into an adult cat (1 year or older) or a pair of adult cats who have bonded. The second cat is not much more work than the first, and this will keep them from getting lonely. Plus, it is much harder for shelters to adopt out older cats.

      Cat personalities wildly differ. The stereotype of the aloof cat is definitely not the rule. Right now, one of my cats is a fearless daredevil, and the other one is a mama’s girl- she follows me around “talking” when I get home. I also found that even though I spent time with them before I brought them home, I didn’t get

      1. to know their real personalities until they settled in at home after a week or two.

        Have fun with the search! Pet ownership is really rewarding.

    5. I love cats and dogs but we decided to stick to cats for now. Between walks and regular bathing, dogs are much more expensive and time-consuming. Cats pretty much take care of themselves. Unlike dogs, they can be left alone overnight. They do not require regular baths and some vets say that baths for them since they keep themselves clean. Nail clipping is fairly easy once you get over the fear of cutting them and it only takes a few minutes to clean the litter box. A couple other thoughts. Adopt from a reputable source. We adopted two cats from a fantastic shelter, Washington Animal Rescue League. You’ll have better assurances that the animals are healthy and they will already have their shots and be spayed or neutered. WARL also covered our first vet checkup and the dental cleaning for one of our cats. Kittens are mischevious so an adult cat may be better for you. Also, consider getting a pair of cats. WARL helped us find a pair that clicked. They play and snuggle with each other so we don’t feel guilty when they’re home alone.

    6. My cat is currently lying on my left arm forcing me to type with my right so I’ll keep this short. I personally think cats are the best apartment pets, because they don’t want to go outside, they don’t have to be housebroken, if you end up stuck at work for 16 hours they’re fine, and if you go on vacation you just need to get someone to feed them and clean the litter once a day. Most good shelters have some sort of system to match you with a pet based on personality (both yours and the pet’s) so you can be sure to get an affectionate, apartment-happy cat.

      Here’s my favorite article about being a cat person: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/13/cat-people-are-people-too/. I think it makes a lot of good points, and I’d add that even people who think they’re not “cat people” usually think that just because they’ve never spent time around cats, and so they haven’t seen the private side of cats. Once you have one, you’ll adore her.

      1. Thanks for posting that. I read and loves that piece when it came out but didn’t save it. Now I have a copy saved in my Evernote.

      2. Yes!!! Loved this article when it was published, and glad someone else feels the same way. Cats are awesome. Dogs are nice, and a lot of work, and I’m warming up to them, but I would still say cats all the way.

    7. I don’t know where you live, but some of the costs that people cite are super high. As someone who recently moved out of DC into small-town VA, I’ve noticed that if you’re living in a less populated area, the vet/boarding/walking costs are SUBSTANTIALLY lower than in the city. (i.e., I board my dog for $12 a day when I’m out of town, it was $90 to have him fixed). If it’s possible, I’d suggest looking for a vet/boarding place in the country to save a little money.

      As far as generally, sappy pet advice, I’d have to say that getting my dog saved my life. I was in this very self-centered downward destructive spiral. Just hanging out with my dog, having to take him on walks, and seeing his wagging tail when I get home has done me better than the meds that I had been one. 2 years after getting him, I feel content and just generally more at ease with my life. Yes, they are big responsibilities and commitments, but they are so worth it.

      1. AMEN! Or, T H I S (not the “This” troll, I swear). My rescue doggie rescued ME! :)

    8. Oh man, I could write a book on this. First, don’t rush your decision. Think about what traits really matter to you. Consider how much you are willing to change your current schedule. I have a very short commute so I was willing to get a dog knowing that one of us would make sure we got home in time for potty breaks. Many bigger dogs can actually comfortably go 8 hours + without a break. I know my dog is “comfortable” because she lets me know when she has to go and if I’m home all day, sometimes it is 9 hours before she asks to go out. Also, when we get home she goes to play, not to run out. Not all dogs are like that though.

      The puppy stages were tough and I think now that my husband and I have more responsibilities we would pick an older dog if/when we adopt again. Like others said, if you travel a lot, a healthy cat can be left with a big litter box and a self feeder and water jug. I’d still recommend someone check in every other day or so to make sure the water wasn’t tipped over, the cat didn’t find a way to lock himself in a bedroom, etc.

      Regarding vet bills and care costs – my pets are both special needs and I have saved a TON with the Banfield plan. Not all Banfields are equal but the one in my local petsmart is stellar. The plan is not insurance but is a pre-paid health plan. You pay a certain amount monthly, I think we pay 25 per pet, and it covers their yearly visit, all their shots, one set of x rays per year, all office visits, one set of blood draws per year for special issues, their yearly dental including putting them under if need be, etc. A plan like that can help you budget your costs.

      You note that you and your BF are considering . . . I hate to be debbie downer but plan ahead in case you and the BF don’t turn into forever. I guess this can go for married couples too. Will you take the pet or will he. Can you handle a pet on your schedule alone? Are you willing to sacrifice and only look at pet friendly places if you have to move? What if a new dating partner is allergic? Would that be a deal breaker or would you tell him to get medicated if he wants to stay with you? Shelters see so many pets returned after sad breakups or new people in the couples lives who are allergic. It breaks my heart. People wouldn’t give their kids away because a new boyfriend doesn’t like them . . . at least I’d hope! You have to be ready to make the same level of commitment. They are not a toy, they have needs and you are there to provide for them.

      Lastly, while you try to decide what is best for you, consider being a foster caregiver. Foster a shelter cat for a weekend. Take a shelter dog for a week. See how you like it. Consider having one of each! If you have some spare time I’d highly recommend volunteering a bit at a local shelter. You can really get to know the animals without feeling rushed and learn everything about their history. It is no secret shelters try to spin all animals with a positive description but most want to match you with the pet for you. As a volunteer you will likely find yourself bonding with one or two special to you animals. You know you have met your match!

      If you are more of a risk taker, consider getting a last chance rescue animal from a high kill shelter. You usually have to pick it out based on story only. We found our dog that way through petfinder. A local organization here sponsored her and transported her up from the south. It was more money than getting a dog from a local shelter but she was everything we were looking for.

      Good luck!

      1. this is how I found my cat, by volunteering at the local shelter. I wasn’t sure if I wanted the commitment, but I wanted to hang out with animals, so off to the shelter I went. I’m a softie so I made sure to choose a no-kill shelter.

    9. We rescued a dog through a local rescue organization 4 years ago. The puppy phase was tough but she is so worth it! I second the suggestion to get puppy insurance , we’ve saved a ton of money. Also, think about how much traveling you might do. Our Ella is 50 pounds. If she met the weight limits we would gladly pay for her to fly around the country with us, but instead we have to board her. We live in DC where pet costs are high, but I think it all really comes down to how much you are willing to spend. She’s our baby so she gets premium high-protein organic food, we ran her through a series of obedience and skill classes, she stays at a dog trainer’s private home when we are out of town, she has a walker that comes twice a day and we take her everywhere we are allowed to. I’ve also spent a ton of money getting her cute leashes and what-not and this adds up quick. We are a dual income household and we have no children, so we can afford to spoil her. We spend about $350 a month. My DH is a cat person, and he LOVES her.

    10. I have a pekingese mix and I find the time and expenses to be much less than those who posted above me.
      1. If you don’t want to spend money on a dog walker or dog boarder, you may want to consider adopting a low-energy dog like a pekingese, pekingese mix, basset hound, etc. These dogs are content with one walk or even with no walk as long as you devote some time of your day to play with them.
      2. Although you can never prepare for an unexpected emergency, mutts tend to have less genetic health problems unlike many purebreads, so this is also something to consider.

      Cats are also a great option – very low maintenance. However, many people don’t like cats or are allergic, so this may affect your social life!
      Good luck! Let us know what you decide.

  33. Seeking advice. I just moved to large midwestern market to work for midsize accounting firm. Right after college I interned for large competitor of said firm and kept several contacts/mentors established. Since then I have interviewed for several positions with the firm including quite recently but have never been hired. Upon moving to the new market the VP with whom I had applied asked me to lunch. I know one is not supposed to burn a professional bridge and there are very few women in my narrow field so I don’t want to ignore the request. But I’m unsure of how to approach it. I like the lifestyle of my current position– less prestigious/flashy/70hrs week pressure cooker — much better at least for now. But haven’t ruled out the possibility of working for a company like it in the future. Independently of jobs I would feel weird discussing the general market/industry scuttlebutt because we are still competitors. More cynically, I feel like I’ve been jerked around a fair amount by the company in general — this has now been going on three years — and my patience is not unlimited. Before entering the situation I would like to know what tack to take so any input would be appreciated.

    1. Its a lunch invite not a mine field. While you are still “competitiors” as you say, this doesn’t mean you can’t network with her. It’s unlikely you know any company secrets, plus if she’s ever conflicted out of accepting a job she could one day refer it to you! Keep a positive attitude, got to the lunch, and jot down some questions you’d like her answer as VP – you are new to this industry and there’s no reason not to pick a wise woman’s brain. This VP may have voted to give you an offer but been out-voted. Just because the firm has been jerking you on, doesn’t necessarily mean this VP is to blame. In fact, because she took the time to invite you to luch, she may actually like you / want to mentor you, becuase as you say there are not many women in this field. Until you know for certain what her intentions are, I saw go to the lunch, network, and treat it as a mentoring opportunity.

      1. Agree with this. Winter, you are overthinking this. It’s an incredibly thoughtful gesture for her to invite you out – I’d treat it as a good opportunity. I work in a field with lots of secrets (research analyst at a hedge fund) and I still value opportunities to meet up with my industry peers. We find plenty to talk about. :-) General market discussions are definitely fair game.

        Given that you’ve applied there several times, including recently, there’s absolutely no reason to be thinking at this moment about how your current job is less of a pressure cooker and therefore better – something clearly motivated you to apply all these times, and she probably just wants to be helpful. You can start worrying about which job is better if and when you have an offer in hand at some point down the road. :-)

  34. Has anyone tried Jean Paul Gaultier Classique X? I got wrangled into redeeming my Ulta rewards certificate for a bottle of it today after I discovered they were out of Chanel Chance Eau Fraiche. The sales girl sprayed it on a paper tester and it smelled amazing, but I know I should’ve tried it on to see how it developed on my skin over the course of the day, since the paper technique only seems to catch the top note (which was very citrusy and fresh — my favorite). I don’t want to open it unless I plan on keeping it and according to a few cursory internet searches, one of the base notes is vanilla, which is not my favorite (and generally gives me a headache).

    1. Ulta has a very liberal returns policy, so even if you opened it, you could return it (unless there’s some exception for fragrance). But if you’re unsure, you could always go back to the store and spray some on yourself from the tester, wear it for a day, and then decide whether to return it.

  35. I’ve recently started taking daily medication and need to carry some of it with me. Currently, I’m just throwing the pill bottles in my purse but would prefer a pill case of some sort. Anyone have any recs?

    Also, has anyone been to Amsterdam? I’m looking for hotel recommendations for a one night stay pre cruise. I’d like it centrally located as we’d love to try to squeeze in some sightseeing but won’t have much time.

    1. Coach used to have some cute pill cases. Mine was just a light blue leather case (no logos) with 3 little bottles inside so you could separate out your hotels.

      I stayed in the NH Schiller when I was in Amsterdam. (NH is a big Spanish chain) It wasn’t anything impressive, but the location was good (on a square but not too noisy) and the rooms were nice. The New Amsterdam free walking tour is a great way to get a flavor of the city if you don’t have much time. There are usually morning and afternoon walking tours that start from the monument.

    2. You can get a one-day pill case that fits in your pocket for about $0.99 at Walgreen’s.

      1. I have a pill box that I got from Walgreens. It was only $2.89 and it has compartments for all kinds of things. I only take 1 medication, but it is important for ME to take it. So I think it is worth it to get a pill box.

    4. I adore amsterdam and my absolute favorite vacation memory is when my now-husband and i splurged on a room at hotel de l’europe there a few years ago. we had a corner balcony room. they recently renovated the whole hotel, but i am sure it’s just as picture perfect.
      i would also advise against staying at all of the hotels facing central station – they are expensive and a bit tourist-trappy in the worst of ways. i stayed at at park plaza a few months ago (because my sister and i were girls on the town alone during that trip and i wanted a high foot traffic neighborhood to help feel safe at all times) – kind of regretted the hotel choice because of its poor value.

  36. What are you doing to prepare to the HURRICANE?

    I live in New York City so I don’t have to worry about trees falling on me, but I wonder what will happen if there is floods in the SUBWAY?

    Does everybody really need a FLASHLIGHT?

  37. Seeking advice: I just moved to NYC from the SF area (just in time to experience the earthquake this week and live in an evacuation zone. Yeah). Apart from trying to stay dry and safe–I really need a good haircut. Can anyone recommend someplace that isn’t exorbitant? I’ve tried searching through Google/Yelp and gotten lots of place–but they seem either too pricey (really: 200+ for a haircut?) or just not right. I just need a good shape for my greying hair. Any location in NYC would be fine for the right cut.

    One more idea, by the way, for anyone else enjoying Irene: it’s a good idea to get several hundred dollars in cash in case ATMs fail and stores can’t accept credit cards (not unlikely when systems fail).

    Good luck to all.

    1. I’ve been going to Maria at Mark Garrison (60th/Park) for a few years and highly recommend her. Her prices have gone up a bit as she’s been promoted, but a cut runs about $125 — for me, worth every penny. I like that appointments are booked for an hour, so that she (and the other stylists) can take as much time as needed.

    2. I’ve been really happy with Mousey Brown on McCarren Park (at Lorimer St.) in Williamsburg. $55 a cut. I recommend Andrew.

    3. I finally broke down and got my haircut a few weeks ago at a place called Zoog. Its on 39th street between 5th and 6th ave. I just walked in and a woman named Linda cut it for me. She did a good job with my long layers and did a great blowout. The cut was $30 and the blowout was $30, so ultimately it was more than I wanted to pay but still cheaper than many places I saw. I’m still looking for a regular place that is a little cheaper. Yelp seemed to say that Astor Place Hair was good but I didn’t have a chance to get to that neighborhood.

      1. I say “finally broke down” because although I moved to NYC 1.5 years ago, I was still making sure to get my hair done in my old city whenever I had a chance to go there (on the other side of the country).

  38. My husband’s little sister just broke up with her longtime boyfriend whom everyone really liked. She’s in her early 20’s. We want to send her a care package to cheer her up and show her our love and support.

    Any ideas for the contents of this care package?

    1. Late 20’s here, but if it was me I’d want some Ms. Fields cookies (I got these in a law school care package and loved them); a Sephora gift card or various lip glosses, nail polish, etc; and a good CD (Adele’s 21 is very good and its breaking-up themed; I think it would be therapeautic). Oh, and of course a heart-felt card :-)

    2. Great ideas above–but I’d throw in a few movies with strong female successful leads. Something that will give her a sense of empowerment, but not a romantic comedy! My Mom refers to them as “battle cry” movies.

      1. My favorite “feel good” empowerment movie is “Blind Side” with Sandra Bullock.

        And I second Adele – her 21 album would be perfect!

    3. Not early 20’s anymore, but close enough and have been care package obsessed since summer camp! I would also include things like:
      – Essie makes mini nailpolishes in sets of 4, and I find that the brushes are easier to use than in the regular bottles -> cute
      – Chick-lit paperbacks or amazon giftcards (if she has a kindle)
      – Groupon/gift certificate to a yoga, pilates, bar, whatever class near where she lives, to get her out of the house
      – Something “useful” for whatever career/job she’s got planned (e.g. test prep books if she’s going to grad/law/med school). I would recommend this, because it reminds her “who” she is with or without her bf.
      – And of course a card.

      You guys are such awesome older siblings!

      1. ehhh I ment “bar class” like pure bar or whatever, not a gift certificate to an establishment that serves alcohol!

        1. doh! barre – the spelling was the problem. Off to have a cup of coffee…

    4. Having been a suddenly-single 20something myself, I would just like to personally recommend Taylor Swift’s latest album for all your post-breakup moods. Even if you/your sister-in-law absolutely despises what Taylor Swift stands for. Taylor’s 21 now and experiencing more complex emotions than what the radio has been playing for two years.

      Highlights:
      “Mean”
      “Better Than Revenge”
      “The Story of Us”

      Whatever the reason for the breakup, Taylor has a song that [almost] addresses it, backed by cheery/angry pop music. No shame in belting at the top of your lungs when necessary.

      LL

      PS Also, please don’t ask about the Ex-Boy. Let her bring him up in her own time, and don’t get all awkward if she should mention him suddenly. She’ll love you even more than she already does!

    1. I’m going out on a limb and assuming your office is very conservative AND male dominated. In that case, I would recommend that you find a simple pattern and really hone in on colors that make you happy. It sounds dumb, but we work with ginormous monitors, so people constantly see your desktop background. If I choose a pattern that is simple but happy, all’s quiet. If I choose a photo of anything, I get all of these cracks from my colleagues (with whom I get along very well) about whatever’s up there. I couldn’t see your link for some reason, but flowers makes me think of something like this, in an ikea frame:

      Etsy:
      http://tinyurl.com/3thhfpp
      http://tinyurl.com/43xv63k
      http://tinyurl.com/3o5u4zf
      I think they’re cute and neutral, but you have the chance to personalize them by choosing the colors. Her other stuff is kind of… nursery like.

      Also, since you may have alluded to not wanting something very expensive, I almost did this diy project this weekend:
      http://www.younghouselove.com/2011/05/somebody-get-me-a-beret/
      You could use the colors you like in the same way, or do a different pattern/smaller canvas (e.g. chevrons)

      Also, if you’re from a school (law/undergrad) that has big sports teams, their co-ops usually sell stuff for work that’s not necessarily “chic”, but there’s something usually there that isn’t gag inducing and classy enough for work, and it works as a good conversation starter with colleagues. (I did two years of undergrad at a BIG football school)

    2. I just started and am trying to think about decorating my office, too. I already brought in my one graduation gift that is a desk-type thing (a really cool universal calendar). Not sure what to put on the walls.

      My opinion is that you should put up whatever you want that’s not too outrageous since you’re going to be the one looking at it. The piece that you posted would be great, in my opinion, if looking at it makes you feel good or relaxed. But I also just started, so I’m kind of struggling with it too.

    3. I think you should put up whatever suits you. I just frame photos I’ve taken of various places I’ve traveled and put them in fairly inexpensive frames that allow me to swap them out as needed. I like to change things up and that way I’m not really committed to one thing all the time. I also have a bulletin board up with various postcards and a calendar. Both the photos and the cards are good conversation starters.

    4. Thanks for the advice! I think I’m going to surreptitiously explore to see what every one else has on their walls before I purchase anything. Hopefully my coworkers won’t give me too hard of a time in the interim.

      1. FYI- if your diplomas aren’t huge, you should be able to frame them yourself with stock mats and frames from someplace like Michael’s that has regular frame sales. That said, I refuse to frame my bar admission because I don’t really think it’s worth the $200 it would cost.

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