Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Houndstooth Asymmetric-Zip Blazer

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1. Good morning wise ladies – there was some great advice and discussion yesterday on money. In the spirit of continuing that discussion (and because I’m stressed about money and could use some more insight!) I’d appreciate hearing advice about my personal situation.

   My husband and I are in our early 30’s, we have one child 9 months old. His base salary is 210k, my salary is 136k. His firm gives slightly above market bonuses so last year he got 55k and we expect about 75k at the end of 2016. We have 25k in long term savings, I have about 60k in 401k and he has about 35k in 401k. Our joint monthly expenses are about 8500/month (this does NOT include either of our student loan payments, it only includes joint expenses such as mortgage, car, other household bills, gas, food, childcare, etc.). We want our long term savings to be at least 50k, so we are going to focus on that this year and should be able to have a total of 50k by the end of the year.

   QUESTION/ISSUE: Our student loans are what is stressing me out right now. We each have about 200k in student loans, so combined over 400k (ugh, typing that out gives me a freaking heart attack). After we get the 50k in long term savings, I want to start focusing on the student loans. Husband isn’t as convinced and would feel more comfortable with having even more in long term savings (closer to 75k). Or are we both wrong and should we live with the 25k in long term savings for now and start putting all extra money towards the student loans? What would you do? Thank you in advance for advice!

   1. I think 25K is plenty in savings. Put the money towards the loans!!! Those loan numbers are absolutely insane for someone in their 30s earning as much as you do.

      1. I know, when I think about the number, I freak the eff out. Every year we said we were going to focus on them, but then every year something else happened . . . wedding, buying condo, then baby. We’ve tried to talk to financial planners two times but we never trusted them and felt like they were just using us. I think the long and short of it is we may be pretty poor financial planners and not confident on how to manage our money.

         1. You don’t have much money, you have a lot of debt. Focus all extra income on debt repayment. Dial back discretionary expenses (think Bloomingdales not Barneys) until you get your debt under control (as in loans repaid). It’s probably not possible at this point but for the benefit of others, I’m going to share what we did out of college. As soon as we both had jobs, we lived on half our total income (still more than our student lifestyle) and put the other half towards student loans and had them paid off in three years. If you can avoid upgrading your lifestyle after graduation, it’s one of the easiest and least painful ways to find the money to repay student loans because you’re not used to the nicer lifestyle yet.

            1. This. So much this. My husband and I lived pretty frugally and paid off my student loans (last weekend!) in 3 1/2 years of graduation. During that time I maintained $10k in savings, kept a strict budget, and every extra penny went to the loans.

         2. Every year you think about being responsible, but then buy stuff and stick you head farther in the sand.

         3. I mean this gently. But you two are very high earners, and yet you’re broke. Seriously, you are.

            You only have $120,000 in assets despite making over $300,000 a year (I don’t consider your home an asset because you have your mortgage debt too). That means your net worth is -$280,000. For your early 30’s, that’s a big hole to dig out of.

            This isn’t something you can keep putting off for other things, this is a serious emergency and need to be priority 1. I would sit down and have a very blunt talk with your partner. Your expenses–now that you’ve said don’t include student loan payments, clothing, etc–are extremely high and it sounds like you don’t have a full handle on where the money is going, which means you don’t have a budget.

            You also have your child to think of–how are you going to pay for college when you’re only a few years from retirement and STILL are paying off student loan debt?

            You need some pretty drastic steps, like cutting our vacations and several weddings and whatever other money is being frittered away. I highly recommend you start looking at Dave Ramsey’s content or some other debt advisers because despite making a ton of money, you seem to be clueless about how severe this situation is.

            1. Thanks for your disclaimer, it’s totally fine. It doesn’t hurt to hear from some people who think we’re in a financial mess – I appreciate all opinions. It’s helpful because when I mention to my husband how stressed I am, he doesn’t seem to be nearly as bothered, and I fully admit I am not savvy when it comes to managing money (obviously) and had confidence he was. Definitely not blaming him for anything but I think it comes down to me needing to take charge of our situation and coming up with a plan for both of us

            2. To clarify, I meant in 18 years when your child is about to go to college–if you’re on a 20 or 30 year plan, you’ll still be paying those loans

            3. KT, I understood what you meant, thank you

            4. I get it–especially when you make a ton of money, it’s easy to think it’s no biggie because the next pay check comes along and you feel flush with cash. But it’s amazing how many six-figure earners are truly broke and end up never being able to retire.

               I’ve been there-I made six figures and frittered it away and had to teach myself to be financially savvy. I read Suze Orman, Dave Ramsey, Money Mustache, Get Rich Slowly, and started to GET IT for the first time. I paid down debt, bulked up savings, and even though now I have HALF the income I did, I have a pretty significant positive net worth. It can be done!

            5. One thing that stresses me out is where to even begin. DH and I are having a talk this Saturday about all the money issues, but we both need to be prepared going into that convo. My plan is to have our monthly expenses listed out, creating a budget from there which would include how much $ we have to save/put towards loans. Or should I stop and read these financial books/articles first before coming up with the plan?

            6. Honestly, you need to start changing things now, not after researching and all that. You could turn this around in just a year or two if you commit. See my note below–I’m happy to go over your situation with you and come up with a plan going forward for you.

            7. KT, I am going to email you today!

            8. Some comps- DH and I make about 200k each. We are 31 and 32. We have a 2 year old.

               We live in a very high COLA area but not SF or NYC. Our monthly expenses are 6500, which includes 1800/month (ugh) of child care and $600 of loan payments. We have a large house (moved to the burbs) and one luxury car and one nonluxury car. We save my entire bonus (~45k pre tax) each year and an additional $2k/month and max out our 401ks. We have about 30k left in student debt that we could pay off in cash except that we decided to do some home Reno this year and I’m pregnant again so we’d rather have the extra cushion.

               I think you can take a whack at your monthly expenses, not knowing your lifestyle of course. focus on those loans- pay an extra $1000/mo forms few months and see how it feels. Then ratchet it up.

   2. If it were me, and YMMV, I’d want at least 6 months of savings- so in your case I’d aggressively save to get to ~$50,000 while paying the minimum on my student loans. Once I hit $50k I’d switch priorities to student loans. You didn’t say what interest rate they’re at, but it seems to be aa source of financial stress for you so I’d be pretty aggressive about tackling those next. This is one of those tough situations where I’m thinking about your yearly living expenses being $102,000 by and a pre-tax income of $420,000 and wondering if maybe you’re underestimating your expenses? Even assuming your after tax is $200k and you’re maxing out 401ks/IRAs, y’all should be well-poised to hit that $50k in savings this year and put a decent dent in student loans.

      1. Anon at 9:42am, that’s kind of the tentative plan I think (to hit the 50k first and then do student loans after that). My husband and I are going to sit down this weekend and discuss everything, including a budget. I’ve run a few numbers and I do think we will be able to hit the 50k by the end of 2016, and that way we can use his end of the year 2016 bonus for student loans and put a nice chunk on them.

         To respond to your question about our living expenses, in the 8400 a month estimate, that does not include our student loan payments, and we each pay about 2k a month (so 4k total). Our health insurance also sucks and I’m paying over 500 a month in premiums for myself and my daughter, and my husband is on his own plan

         1. I think part of that conversation needs to include a true discussion of expenses. Now that I re-read I see your expenses estimation is “joint expenses” only. So you’re not including the $6k in health insurance premiums you’re paying annually and there may be other discretionary spending you’re not including in that number. Does your expenses estimation include what you spend on clothing, eating out, vacations?

            1. Anon at 10am, correct, the “joint expenses” (about 8400) didn’t include health insurance, the reason I didn’t include that is because it’s taken directly out of our paychecks so the “joint expenses” was the actual cash that we each put into our joint checking account to account for expenses each month. The “joint expenses” estimation does not include clothing (because that’s “personal” expenses in the way that we handle money), it does include eating out, and vacations are going to be a separate bucket this year. I have an idea of how much money we can save monthly so I’m thinking a chunk of that will go to the long term savings and a smaller chunk will go into a short term savings bucket that we can pull from for some trips this year (we aren’t doing any vacations this year except for a few weddings, which we already held back some money from his 2015 bonus, but we need to save a little more per month for these weddings too, I think).

            2. Girl seriously? Nope.

               A) your personal versus joint is a silly fantasy that distracts from the big picture

               B) you are drowning in debt and your retirement savings are abysmal. You can’t afford to travel to a few weddings! Maybe one. That’s it! You don’t have the money, so you’ll have to miss out. That is how you get out of debt. By not spending money on other things.

            3. I think one of the causes of confusion here is that you give ca. 100k per year as your ‘expenses’ but then it’s transpired that that’s not everything you spend.
               What is the total amount of money you spend between you?

            4. Right, that was what I was trying to get at- if your expenses were $100k and your income was $400k+ you’d have *no* problem saving $25k/year and paying down loans. So something is not adding up. Without knowing how long y’all have been out of school, it’s hard to say if you should have more in your retirement/savings accounts or if you should have already paid off a chunk of your student loans, but what is clear is that your annual expenses are higher than the estimate you gave to inquire about emergency savings (which I get- emergency savings won’t include a lot of that discretionary spending). I think y’all need to look at expenses above and beyond that $8500 (or $9000 if you include health insurance, which you should) and figure out (1) how much you’re *really* spending annually and (2) what has to go. For all we know, your annual clothing budget is $15,000 a year. That’s going to impact whether $25k/year in savings is reasonable and how you pay off y’all’s student loans.

         2. What would be most helpful here are two numbers:

            1. You and your husband’s total take-home pay for 2015
            2. Your total expenses for 2015

            As for things happening like weddings, condo, and baby, I’m concerned about your phrasing. These things didn’t just happen. You made them happen, and it sounds like you spent more than you could afford.

            1. Yes, this.

   3. I would definitely look at being agressive with loan repayment. Did he just receive the 55K bonus? If you combine that with long terms savings of $25K then you’re above your DH’s goal and can put the whole $75K 2016 bonus against the loans.

      In terms of how much savings you need, what would be 6-8 months of expenses worth if you include loan repayment? Once you have that much, I’d focus on loan repayment or paying down your mortgage. $400K student loans + mortgage is a fair bit of debt. That doesn’t leave you much wiggle room if one of you loses a job or your child or a family member becomes ill and you have to leave work/cut back work to care for them.

      1. Anon at 9:43AM, he did just receive the bonus, so after taxes we got about 32k of that, and we put almost the whole 25k into savings (we only had a few thousand in savings left before his bonus hit). For the rest of the bonus, we earmarked for taxes that we’ll have to pay in april for our nanny, and then other expenses we have this year (mostly weddings). It’s insane how fast a large chunk of money can go.

         We each pay about 2k a month in student loans, so if we included both of our loan repayments into our monthly expenses then we’re looking at between 74,400-99,200 to have 6-8 months of expenses. Would we need to include loan repayment in long term savings though, if we lost our jobs wouldn’t we be able to defer the loan payments?

         1. In light of that info, I think $75K in savings is not a stretch. You can put loans in deferal but you definitely what to avoid that if possible. Maybe compromise on $60K in long term savings? You’ll know by month 3 or 4 if the loans will need to be defered if you’re not finding new work immediately.

            Sounds like you had a good plan for the 2015 bonus.

            1. Good point – many thanks for your insight

         2. Find out right now based on your loan types if they can be deferred at all, and if so, ALL of the details.

   4. what’s the interest rate on the loans? Are they in one bucket or are there lots of little loans at different rates? Knock out the ones with the highest rates first — anything over 7% has to go and should be your focus.

      1. Anon at 9:44am, they are all lots of little loans at different rates. A couple are higher than 7%, and agree that those are the ones that stress me out the most

   5. check out the mr money mustache blog.

      1. Srsly. Pls. You need help.

      2. The personal finance blogosphere is huge and motivates me to keep on track. Check also Budgets are Sexy and Blogging Away Debt. Both you and your husband could use a reality check and a dose of motivation to change habits.

         1. Ooooh… I like these… I’m adding to my bloglovin feed. Any others?

            1. I like The Financiel Diet, but it is aimed at a younger crowd than most of the others.

            2. I’m also a fan of Blonde on a Budget and Frugalwoods.

   6. I think you need a serious financial intervention. You are doing everything wrong. You can’t afford your lifestyle at all. Not even a little bit. You are making a fortune in income every year, and yet in real terms you are financially drowning.

      Are you both maxing out your 401k every year? It’s unacceptable if you are not. Financial idiocy. You are 100% making enough money to do so.

      Are your student loans all on a 10 year repayment plan? Again, they need to be. It should hurt. You should be sacrificing.

      What are you left with a month after doing that? That’s what you have to live on. That’s it. Can you pay the mortgage? If not, you can’t afford to live there.

      Stop hoarding cash because it makes you feel like you’re doing okay. You’re not. You are drowning in debt with no solid plan to get out of it. Go to the library. Check out half a dozen personal finance books. Pick whichever one you like the most and do that. Literally anything would be better than this. You are the definition of living beyond your means. You are spending like you are rich. You are not.

      1. I’ll be blasting Taylor Swift’s MEAN in my headphones today in honor of this troll.

         1. Mostly: “You are doing everything wrong” to a person who has no credit card debt, has retirement savings, and has an emergency fund. If that’s doing *everything* wrong I hate to know what hyperbole she’d need to describe my finances.

            1. The fact that your finances are terrible doesn’t make OP’s finances good. OP has $400K of student loan debt despite a household income of $350K plus a large bonus, so yeah I would say she and her husband do need a serious financial intervention (unless they just got out of school, but that’s not the case). They are obviously buying a lot of things they can “afford” based on their income, but can’t afford based on their true financial situation and it is not trolling to say so.

            2. I don’t think harshness is necessary, but the overall message is true…but the savings is a red herring. It’s not really savings if you have 10 times that amount in debt. At that income level, a positive net worth should be easy, and they aren’t there.

            3. But how can she be doing “everything” wrong if I am doing even more stuff wrong? The logic. It burns.

            4. I wouldn’t call what she has in her 401k a retirement fund. It’s less than half her current salary and at current rates would buy an annuity of about $3k a year. Have fun with that.

            5. Their debt to income ratio is actually okay (rule of thumb: student loan debt should be less than a year of salary).

               The problem is that, before loan payments, clothes, health care, etc., they are spending a hundred thousand dollars a year. They are living way beyond their means.

            6. Yea, I have to agree with anon at 10:08. Her post was harsh, and of course “everything wrong” is hyperbole. We use hyperbole on this site all the time. But for the OP’s family to jointly earn $350,000 and be in their current situation is seriously financially dysfunctional.

         2. I’m more impressed by the throughness of the trolling – every post/reply has had a trolling comment added!

         3. You say mean, I’d say tough love. There are no personal/emotional attacks, just strong words.

            1. +1 This is just (totally true) tough love.

            2. I really have to agree. It’s tough feedback to hear and comes across as rude, but it’s what has to happen. At that income level and that debt level there needs to be a serious reevaluation.

            3. Tough love comes from someone who loves you. Harsh words from an anonymous jerk is trolling. Even if their advice is good, its mean.

            4. Eyeroll – trolling is deliberately making inflammatory responses in hope of flouncy reactions. Good advice that is not sufficiently sugarcoated to your taste is NOT trolling. JHC.

         4. WHAT? No sorry Wildkitten. This is not trolling. This is solid advice. I’m horrified that someone is this bad at managing her money. She and her husband are setting themselves up for failure. This isn’t trolling. I’m not on team “ohhhh you’re right it is totes hard and I’m sure you are trying but maybe a few tweaks.” This financial plan is idiotic. There is no excusing this level of ignorance. And someone needs to tell her that actually this is a crisis because otherwise she’s going to go ahead thinking it’s okay to have four hundred thousand dollars in student loan debt but still buy whatever she wants.

            And that music critic was right, her vocals were crap in that performance, and she got voice coaching after and is a much better live performer now.

            1. Hahaha to your last sentence. It’s totally true! Taylor Swift’s voice used to be awful (and I say this as a big fan of her lyrics and personality) and has improved so much thanks to that “troll.”

         5. Ha, thanks Wildkitten. I’m prob not doing everything wrong, but there’s def room for improvement

            1. Don’t listen to Wild Kitten. The post just hit a nerve for her because she has credit card debt and everyone here has told her that’s bad. Which it is, but $400K of student loan debt is also pretty terrible. Just because something is “good debt” doesn’t mean it’s good to keep it around forever and let the interest accumulate.

               Anon at 10:08 was very blunt, but please listen to her tough love. Despite your very sizeable income, you are, as someone put it above, effectively broke. You need to start living like it and dig yourself out of debt. When my husband and I were earning a comparable income to you and living in one of the most expensive cities in the US, we were saving around $8-10K a month. And we still traveled, ate at nice restaurants, had a cleaning service and I bought the occasional luxury handbag. We didn’t have a kid and I know those are expensive, but I also know plenty of people who have paid down debt quickly while their children were young. It is possible. Your money is going somewhere. You have to figure out where, and fix it.

            2. I’m not encouraging people to get into credit card debt, I just think saying she is doing “everything” wrong is hyperbole rather than helpful.

      2. I love that you mentioned the library. So many people would Amazon Prime themselves a library (and then never read the books).

         1. I love the library! Rediscovering the library has been one of my favorite things about leaving Big Law and the fact that I now have more time than money.

   7. Girl, stop stressing out. You reportedly made $401K last year! You have a lot of loans, but also a lot of income. When thinking about your loans vs saving, think about the loan interest rates vs your conservative estimated rate of return on your savings. If you’re dumping it into a low-interest savings account, then it would make sense to pay off the loans first. If you are saving in some other type of way and expect the investment to have a higher rate of return than your loan interest rate, it makes sense to put your money there. But since you said you have some higher interest rate loans that are over 7%, obviously it makes the most sense to pay those off – unless you have some great investment you’re dumping money into, you’re probably not easily going to get more than that back and you’re only saving now to pay even more on them later. Unless you’re worried about losing your job and can put your loans into deferral when you do, it’s not worth it in my opinion to build up your savings.

      1. I think she should actually be stressing out a lot more, but I agree. Putting money into your savings is costing you money.

         1. Well she should be stressing out a lot more because it sounds like spending is out of control/they’re making bad decisions. The good part is that with an income that high, this is an immediately correctable issue. I think the crux of this issue is controlling spending, not whether she should put money into loan repayment or savings. Obviously that’s a discussion to be had, but it’s far more important to make sure you’re living within your means and in a sustainable fashion. Once you have more money to deal with in general, the “where do I put my money” issue will become less important.

      2. I think it also makes sense to pay down the loans because it takes that money out of their hands to spend it–from OP’s comments about her husband’s laissez faire attitude about this and desire to build up a huge savings fund, I kind of get the impression that he wants to spent without care and have the savings fund built up as a slush fund to use if necessary, rather than a true emergency fund.

         1. Anon at 11:33am, that’s what has happened to us in the past (both my fault and his) where we dipped into the emergency fund for non emergency reasons. Absolutely want to change that where the fund is untouchable but for loss of job or death or illness, or something like that.

         2. This is what I do. I have all my bills taken out of my account on the day I get paid. It works really well for me.

   8. 400k in income and 400k in debt (bc you say it’s 200k each). Can’t you live on 200k this year and attack 200k in debt. Then next year do the same?

      Can you list out your fixed costs? All of them? Not the list you’ve given of – but I didn’t include this or that. How much are you paying monthly for your mortgage/rent; homeowners ins; nanny; utilities; student loans; cars; car insurance; health insurance; food; discretionary?

      How much debt did you graduate with (each)? Are you fully funding a 401k? Doesn’t sound like it given your balances in your early 30s. Also sounds like both of you (or maybe just your husband) is in biglaw? If you went straight through, early 30s puts you in your 6th or so year. Are you absolutely POSITIVE that you/he will make partner and not get pushed out as a senior associate or a junior partner? Bc it’s very very common. You need to get your financial house in order and live like that is what will happen bc if one or both of you moves on to a non biglaw job — even a respectable one — it’s very very likely that you take a paycut and it sounds like you can’t afford that at all.

      You don’t need a financial advisor, but if you post more info here or a few other financial sites (I personally like citi data’s Personal Finance forum as the people are helpful), you’ll get a lot of savvy folks who can pretty much make a plan for you in 20 min.

      1. Anon at 10:25am, I can list out my fixed costs. Would people really be willing to make a plan for us?! I will also check out the personal finance forum that you recommended.

         We each grad with full law school debt, over 200k each (I think it was about 230kish for each). Husband is maxing out, I’ve alternated from not contributing, to maxing out, and now I’m not maxing out (I’m contributing 3%). We are both in big law, I recently came back from maternity leave and am at a reduced schedule and my firm also pays below market. I’m a 6th year and he’s a 4th year. Would be shocked to the core if he did not make partner with the understanding it’s common for people to get pushed out.

         Thank you for your insight, seriously. This discussion makes me even more motivated and stressed to get our situation in order this year and beyond, esp now that we have our daughter

         1. If you want, click on my link (unrelated to personal finance, but whatever), go under contact and send me an email if you don’t want to post all of your stuff. I’d be happy to help you with a budget/plan forward.

         2. If he is a fourth year, it is way too early to be positive about his partnership prospects in either direction. You have to plan for the worst.

            1. Seriously. Plenty of very well-regarded associates don’t make partner — it’s a combination of smarts, business development skills, AND total luck that your practice area needs more partners in your window of eligibility. Oh, AND the continued desire of your husband to actually BE a partner after seeing what their lives are really like during the next 4-6 years of being an associate.

            2. Yes, this. You cannot possibly be this confident about partnership as a 4th year unless he already has a book of business. This is a fantasy.

         3. Anon (10:25) here — the forum is city-data.com (Personal Finance). I’d be happy to make a plan if you post there or here. Username on that site is Montgomery212 so you can message me if you join there.

            As for your husband — as a 4th yr, it’s nice to say that you’d be SHOCKED if he weren’t made partner. I’m not saying anything about him as an atty, I’m sure he’s fabulous. But those of us in that industry know many many awesome attorneys who don’t make it and are pushed out for any number of reasons that are outside their control — anything from the economy turning; to the firm losing a big client the year he’s up; to some kind of political fight happening within the partnership where some existing corner office says, no way will someone from X department make it this yr — I will block them, no matter what. So don’t plan your financial life around it. The nice this is he is ONLY a 4th yr — which means 2-3 years of high earnings and big bonuses without any worries of partnership or not. So use the next 2-3 yrs to get everything in order and then he can go into the partnership decision with “regular” worries, not — OMG what’s going to happen if I don’t make it and have to take a 150k job in the gov’t.

            BTW — where do you live and what’s your housing situation like? Rent/own? Any way to downsize that or is it pretty fixed by now?

            1. I am going to find you on city data and message you!

         4. You can also post as a case study on Mister Money Mustache Forum. You will get a ton of “face punches” (their word for tough love) but they will give you a plan. You should read the blog a bit though so you have an idea of what it means to be “mustachian.”

            Basically, they are people looking to retire early by maxing savings now. Many live way below their means. It is extreme. You don’t necessarily have to take it to that extreme but you can learn a lot and get a ton of ideas there.

            I would also recommend reading Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover. It is perfect for your situation.

      2. Not to pile on here, but if debt is stressing you out, you need to make a plan to live within your means. This means separating wants from needs. Have you heard the term “lifestyle creep”? Or cash poor? Are you funding your daughter’s education?

         I applaud you for putting your bonus toward your LT savings. But please hear what the poster above is saying. Your world could be turned upside down by a change in income, because you are spending your high income very fast. You are high income but negative worth. You are in debt. You need to get a handle on what your expenses are, take a hard look at them, and then put every single extra penny toward loans.

         I don’t agree with the advice to not attend weddings. Maybe don’t attend destination weddings, but friends are very important to me!

         Besides sitting down with your husband this weekend, buy Smart Couples Finish Rich (Bach), Get a Financial Life (Kobliner) or pretty much any Suze Orman book. Then find a fee-only financial advisor. Link to how to do that here: http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidmarotta/2012/06/11/fee-only-financial-planner-whats-the-difference/

         I want you to imagine you and your husband both losing your jobs at the same time and then both of you having a hard time landing your next gig, and, when you do, it’s a substantial paycut. Only then can you understand just how important getting a handle on your _lifestyle_ is.

         It’s good that you want to address this. But you really need to tackle it, not just talk about tackling it. And it will involve lifestyle change.

         1. MJ, I have not heard of the term “lifestyle creep” but I have heard of the term “cash poor” and I feel that’s what we are. The more posts I read, the more worried I am that my husband doesn’t know what he is talking about. For example, his brother has a MUCH lower income than us, but he doesn’t have any student loans and lives in a city that doesn’t have as high of a cost of living as us, he has no children, he rents a 1 bedroom apartment, yet my husband wants to give him (what I think is) way too much cash for his wedding gift this year, which stresses me out b/c I don’t think we have room to give him that much cash. Just one example as to how I need to get my husband on the same page as me. We don’t have a fund yet for my daughter. Again, totally not trying to blame my husband b/c it’s my responsibility as well, but having a fund for her is one thing I’ve been mentioning to him and he just hasn’t done it yet. It was one of the things that was on his “to do” list between the two of us. He said that we don’t qualify for the tax benefits of a 529 plan (because we make too much?) and he also didn’t want it to be tied up for only education (i.e. if she got a scholarship and then wanted to use the fund for a down payment for a house or something like that). So we go back and forth talking about what to do for her fund and she doesn’t have one.

            1. Oh geez. Yes, you need to get on the same page and really UNDERSTAND the options like 529s and all that.

               Lifestyle creep is when you get a raise or bonus, you splurge on nicer clothes, a bigger house…then you get another one, and you buy a luxury car…and before you know it, despite having a high income, you’re spending almost all of it to maintain that lifestyle.

               Other people (like the Money Mustache folks), avoid lifestyle creep (or what is often called golden handcuffs). When they get a raise, they automate that difference to go right into savings or to pay off debt. That allows them to continue living at their current lifestyle while super-charging their other goals. Following that–many of them are able to retire in luxury or retire in their thirties or early forties.

            2. Your husband is wrong about 529 contributions. There is no income limit on the donor or the recipient. Contributions are not tax-deductible (just like contributions to a Roth IRA are not tax-deductible) but the appreciation/interest/income earned is not taxed (just as for a Roth IRA).
               More info here:
               https://www.irs.gov/uac/529-Plans:-Questions-and-Answers

   9. This sounds very stressful. But it needs to be until you guys can get a grip on the situation. You are living way beyond your means. While I know many in your income bracket who do this, feeling they have deprived themselves in the past and that their employment future is secure, it is really risky and is a step away from disaster.

      It is very confusing because you budget is unclear. How you can put your monthly expenses together and not include your health insurance as part of that is confusing.

      Right now, just get your expenses down on paper. I agree with reading Mr. Money Mustache! It at least will give you ideas about how to attack each expense and where your big losses are going.

      Deciding on whether you need $50k or $75 in savings is besides the point …. there are bigger problems than this.

      Are you locked into a crazy expensive mortgage that you can’t get out of (either by refinancing or selling)? You should be renting a 1-2 bedroom modest apartment right now, saving like crazy. You would pay off your loans in no time. Instead are you bleeding money by living in a large house, with all of the associated utilities, cleaning costs, maintenance costs, ?commuting costs.

      Stop the trips. Stop the clothes buying. Stop the dinners out. Make your lunch. Negotiate down your rates on your cell phone/internet. Put all the savings towards your loans. I would even decrease your retirement savings a little, but you should still be putting into your 401K at least to the match.

      But honestly – you are going to be ok and get through this. You make an absolute fortune that 99% of the world will never experience. With discipline should do extremely extremely well. It’s just time to gather all of your data together, and just start to cut and save.

      1. This is really good advice, well written and helpful.

      2. This is great. As far as where to begin the discussion with your husband, OP, you might benefit from having a third person in the room. Someone you both trust, who is good with money. Maybe his father, maybe your sister, maybe the best man from your wedding. Someone who can give you both space to explain yourselves as you try to completely redo your finances (because that’s what needs to happen). You NEED to be on the 10-year repayment plan, and you need to be paid off ASAP. Good luck. Everyone here will want updates if you care to continue sharing.

         1. Anon at 10:55am, thanks so much to you and for every one who has responded! I was stressed and motivated before and am even more so now to get our situation cleaned up so we’re not bleeding money left and right. I need to get my ish together. I will update everyone and thank you again for all of your advice and tough love

      3. Seriously, I feel stupid. I clearly don’t even know how to put together a budget. What I was doing was taking the amount of cash that we were both putting into our joint checking account to pay for our joint expenses and going from there. In putting together a budget I wasn’t taking into account health insurance since that was being paid for automatically by my employer before I received my paycheck so it wasn’t cash that was coming to me to pay for an expense. I don’t even know if that makes sense but that’s how I was looking at it.

         Yes, will get all expenses on paper, that’s what I need to do before talking with my husband this weekend.

         Good lord, I do not know if selling the condo and moving is an option right now. I suppose it’s something I can talk to my husband about but I would much prefer to cut out other costs, though obviously a mortgage payment is a huge cost.

         Thanks for your very thoughtful post.

         1. Check out You Need A Budget dot com. Get help. Future you deserves it.

         2. Counterpoint–you might need the mortgage interest deduction, given how high your income is. Again, please see my post above, but you need to speak with a certified fee-based planner (not someone trying to sell you things) to have them evaluate the best way to get a handle on your expenses. And please check out some of the books I recommended above.

            A mortgage is not a disaster if you are a high earner, and might help mitigate taxes. But only a financial planner can help you see if the buy-v-rent decision makes sense.

            GOOD LUCK!

            1. I hate this argument…you might need the mortgage interest deduction. That’s like saying you might need to spend $50,000 to save $20,000. It’s stupid. Sure it makes sense if the cost of renting is equal to cost of your mortgage and home upkeep (since rent isn’t deductible) but it’s really dumb otherwise.

            2. Also, Schedule A deductions phase out for high-income taxpayers (these phase-outs are called the Pease amendments/provisions). Plus if you are in a high-income-tax state, like California, and you earn that much income, you’re likely already hit by the AMT (alternative minimum tax) so you get no benefit for additional itemized deductions like the mortgage interest deduction.

      4. I’ll add onto this and encourage you to go home tonight and take some action. Every purchase that you made this past month that is returnable should be immediately returned. What are you buying for the baby that is non-essential? I have a newborn and we routinely purchase diapers and formula. That’s it. Re-visit your grocery/eating out spend. Slash it. Spend the next week eating just food that is in the house. What expensive car payments do you have? Do you really need them? Is it time to drive a Toyota?

         Rework your numbers and figure out if you can live on just your husband’s salary this year and save/pay down debt with your entire salary. Make 2015 the year that you own your financial situation. The short term pain will pay you dividends in the future.

   10. You’re smart to identify the problem. A few resources:

       – Mr. Money Mustache
       – You Need a Budget Podcasts (I like these because they are crazy short but make a point quickly… You could probably get a lot from flying through a few while commuting or cooking dinner or whatever)
       – I will teach you to be Rich (a book – it’s geared toward those younger than me, but I found some useful things in there, changed how I banked and budgeted. It also made me relax on how I was saving).

       I don’t think you need to freak out panic. You’re not going to be homeless tomorrow. But I think you’re smart to realize the issue now and develop a plan to address the issues. I would start with a list of what you’re actually spending now (without putting it into your general joint versus personal buckets so you can actually see the amounts spent), a list of goals and then create a budget, then you can adjust the goals based on the budget. You probably need to make some hard cuts.

       When I was in a bad spot, I put everything in Mint and it helped me see how much I was spending. I thought I was tracking decently, but Mint showed me I was spending way more on food than I realized. I used this info to adjust my budget. Some people don’t like Mint, but it is free and it’s a place to start, which is sounds like you need a place to start. then, if you decide you want different features, you can switch. You need a budget is starting a service too. there are others that were mentioned yesterday as well.

       I would consider setting monthly meetings with your spouse then to go over the budget and adjust as needed. You could make these quarterly once you all get the ball rolling in a better direction.

       Good luck – you’ll get through it fine. Just pace yourself.

       1. Another option just to get a handle on things is to print out your last 6 months of bank statements from whatever account you do the majority of your spending. Then sit down with different colored highlighters and pens. Highlight all of your grocery purchases in yellow. Highlight all of your eating out purchases in green. Highlight all of your clothing purchases in blue, etc. Then add them up. That will give you a much better idea of where your money has been going. Then you can set goals to cut them down. This approach is more for the people that just need to cut back a little somewhere.

          You need a whole new approach. Also, consider refinancing your loans if you could get a lower interest rate. Click my name for what I did with mine.

       2. +1 on the book I will teach you to be rich and committing to using mint.com and really knowing where your money goes.

   11. So I might be too late to jump in here, and I feel like I’m threadjacking a bit, but this has got me thinking. I am in a very similar situation to the OP: similar age, same HH income, same monthly expenses. The differences are that we have no debt besides the mortgage, and no plans to have children. We also have ~80K in retirement savings. We just finished a house purchase/furnishing, so we need to get our savings back up to the 50K mark. Should I be worried or is the debt really the kicker here?

       1. So, your difference is four hundred thousand dollars of debt.

          You aren’t in a similar position at all! Carry on

          1. Okay, good to hear, thanks! The amount of cash going out the door from the house purchase has been a bit of a shock/stress.

             1. We’re the same, but of TJ. Recent home purchase and (albeit discretionary/voluntary) spending on furnishing and updates is shocking. We make slightly less income than OP, but only debt is nominal car payments and now a mortgage. I’m comfortable with recent, high cash outflow because a lot of it is one-time (not buying another huge sectional couch anytime soon…). We don’t max 401ks, but when you take our contributions and add company matches, we each hit the max-out limits which is good enough for me right now. So, until we fund back our various “funds” – emergency, far, future kid fund, etc. – to pre-house levels, we will leave 401k as is.

                I do appreciate posts/threads like this today, causing me to reexamine where we are (which is a good thing)!

             2. Holy typos, sorry!

             3. You make $400k a year and don’t max out your 401k. That really is stupid, it really is. You should maxing out any other tax advantaged savings vehicles too (like HSA). You’re paying almost 40% tax on your earnings, so every dollar you put into a 401k saves you .40! Say you chose to keep $10,000 to put towards a new car rather than putting it into your 401k – – that cost you $4,000 in taxes. It’s crazy. The more money you make, the higher tax bracket you’re in, therefore it’s even MORE important to put money in your 401k!

             4. Incredibly stupid. You should be asking what to do will all the cash you have on hand after maxing it out.

       2. Debt is the kicker for OP and biglaw may be a kicker to. People set their lifestyles around a salary that may or may not be permanent and then when they have to “downsize” to 150k or 200k, it is a huge problem. For you at that income level, I’d focus on retirement savings — if you’re not maxing out, you’re giving up years of compounding.

       3. Yeah, you’re good :) If you’re only debt is your mortgage, and you’re putting money into savings and retirement, you’re fine.

          To get the A++++, make sure you’re maxing out a 401K (and if your budget permits, also putting money in a separate retirement account like an IRA), and build up 6 months of living expenses (which sounds like the 8,000 is).

          Other than that, do you anticipate any big purchases in the next 1-3 years? Like a car? Start a separate account and start putting small sums into it each month so that when it’s time, you can pay in cash.

          1. ‘When it’s time, you can pay in cash’

             Any especially good times financially are a great time to try to save enough so that you can change to paying in advance for things like cars and mobile phones. I bought my current handset outright which means my monthly costs for it are less than £20 and I don’t have to worry that if it got lost or stolen I’d continue owing on it for another year or more.

   12. I haven’t even read the responses to this yet, but I cannot believe you haven’t paid down your loans on those salaries. My loans are the biggest stressor in my life. I’m single, almost 35, no kids. (Believe me I wish that were different.) I make about 85K per year. I’m paying every extra cent besides a $100/month to a Roth IRA (solo practitioner) to my debt. I’m about to cross into five figure territory and will pay them off within about 5 years. Then I will worry more about retirement.

       I don’t understand people who live like you do and haven’t done anything about your debt. Sorry to be harsh but there it is.

       1. ETA: I have about a $5000 emergency fund and add $200 every month. Would like to get to $10K but loans are first priority since I have a very steady stream of income.

   13. You’ve gotten a lot of tough love here, OP, and I think everyone is right that something needs to change.

       That being said, I do want to add some sympathy that the first year of childcare expenses s*u*c*k*s. I have a really distinct memory of talking to my financial planner and him saying, “great, you’ve bought your house, you’re not saving for a wedding, and now we have all this money (I think it was $30K or so?) that we can invest!” … and they we told him we were pregnant and needed to hire a nanny because our two attorney family couldn’t count on making the daycare drop off times … so all that “extra” money ended up going directly to the nanny.

       Use this as a “scared straight” moment, recenter your spending, and you’ll get through this. And good on you for already planning for the bad-tax news in April as that was a huge surprise for us our first year as nanny-employers!

       1. thank you ace, i’m embracing the tough love, it’s definitely kicking my a$$ but think it’s what i need.

          yeah, we totally did not plan properly for the childcare expenses. 2015 was hard financially b/c we had our baby (which, by the way was the single greatest thing to have ever happened to me :) ), I took 6 months leave, two months which were unpaid, when I came back I was at a 70% rate, plus our nanny costs are insane (but well deserved, she’s amazing).

          Yes, this is absolutely a “scared straight” moment and I’m going to get my ish together and I’m going to sit down with my husband every month to go over expenses. I NEED to do this, if not for myself then for my daughter

          1. This might also be too late, but depending on when you bought your condo & where you live 7 what you put down, you could possibly take a home equity loan and pay off part of your student loans with that. I think you could get a better interest rate on at least part of your debt, which could help.

             1. Don’t do that. if you lose your job, your loans can be deferred. If you lose your job and you’ve taken a home equity loan to pay off your student loans, they can take your house.

             2. Agree with KT, particularly when there are private refinance options available. Not sure if Money will qualify for the lowest rate even with her income given the high overall debt load, but it’s at least worth looking into. If it’s not an option now, pay off the highest rate loans ASAP and then look at doing it again when you’ve got your debt a little more under control. Even refinancing a 5% loan down to 1.9% saves a lot.

             3. Actually, I don’t know why I haven’t seen it already, but if you have anything over 7% I’d look into refinancing. SoFi really cut my loans down and they’re going to a lot of the major firms so if they’re having an information event, GO. Even if they’re not, you can apply online today.

2. Machu Picchu Safety and Advice?

   Good morning hive! Has anyone visited Machu Picchu? My husband and I are planning to walk the Inca Trail this Spring. The hike we are signing up for has no other participants so far, but the company assured us we will go only if it is the two of us.

   I am concerned with my personal safety on the trail. Especially since, if no one else signs up, and since we’re taking a slightly altered version, we may be at campsites with as little as the 4 porters joining us. I feel a little odd about sleeping in a tent in a remote campsite with 4 individuals I haven’t met… and being reliant on them for food, directions, etc. Though, the company seems very legit and is one of the most highly rated on tripadvisors and other similar websites.

   Please share any experiences you had while visiting Machu Picchu. Thank you!

   1. You’re going with your husband… and the company is highly rated on trip advisor by (I’m guessing) hundreds if not thousands of other people. Would this be a concern for you if you were hiking in Europe or are you just worried because the porters (who are professionals, let’s remember) are South American? I really think you should relax.

   2. The companies and porters are great. I hiked it with a group of female friends. The issue of safety never even crossed our minds. Never heard of any issues.

      Lima has some sketchy areas though!

   3. No need to feel unsafe on the trail – the Inca Trail / Machu Picchu is Peru’s major tourist draw and a vital source of income for your guides / porters, so it is far and away in their best interest to make sure you are safe and happy. I hiked the trail a few years ago and the porters were absolutely awesome. I met a couple at our hostel in Cusco who had done one of the hikes with their two-year-old daughter by hiring an extra porter to help carry the kid. They said that their daughter and the porter wound up absolutely adoring one another.

      Also, I bet your tour will fill up or at least get a few more people – they limit the number of people on various trails so a highly rated altered trail will probably get some folks who didn’t realize how far in advance they would need to book.

      My words of advice would be to make sure you are in very good shape. I thought I was in good shape when we did our trip – had run a 10K a week or two before we went – and I wound up feeling like I was in basically the bare minimum good shape to really enjoy the trip. There were a few people in our group who were a little out of shape and it seemed like a really rough go for them – the Trail was more of a battle of personal willpower than an enjoyable excursion. I was with my brother, who was/is a very fit person and he was pretty wiped at the end of each day. So make sure you do some training!

      1. What kind of training would you recommend?

         1. Hiking. Get out there for a full day long hike on a Saturday. Repeat most weekends.

         2. Yes – hiking and HILLS. Trekking around Machu Picchu involves lots of up and down, and you’ll be on your feet for a significant chunk of the day, so the day long hikes are a great idea. Just to get an idea, try to find a somewhat challenging daylong (6-7 hour) hike in your area, go do it, and then imagine repeating that for three more days. If you feel completely wiped out the next day, you’ll know that you need to work on your stamina. The more fit you are, the more time you can spend thinking “OMG this is so cool!” instead of “OMG I think I’m dyingggg…”

         3. I’ve never done a hike of this magnitude but for local difficult hikes (steep 8 miles say), I find one of the hardest parts is carrying my heavy hiking pack with all of my water and getting used to walking in heavier hiking boots.

            As ridiculous as you may look, I recommend getting out and just walking, preferably hills, in your pack at full weight, in your boots. If it is way too cold where you are, do it at the gym. I saw someone the other day in an army rucksack and boots on the treadmill at full incline.

            Walking with a pack and boots is like nothing else and the only way to prepare is to train with it.

            1. Great advice above–do lots of practice hiking with your gear! Also, get to Cuzco early and hang out for a few days. Walk around town and drink a lot of the coca tea.

         4. Also keep in mind that altitude effects people differently. A person who runs marathons may not be able to make the hike because they get altitude sickeness (headaches, nausea, fatigue) and a person who is in reasonable shape may do just fine because altitude isn’t a problem for them. Can you take a weekend trip to someplace like Denver to get a taste for how altitude will effect you?

      2. Totally safe and fine. I did Salkantay, not Incan, but at every campsite there were other tour groups there as well. Also, the altitude is absolutely what got me as the distances weren’t especially long but it was very tiring.

         We were able to drop off our big packs to be carried by the company (usually on donkeys) and just carry day packs around.

   4. I’d be more concerned if there were a lot of people I didn’t know climbing with us. At least with the company porters they’re tied to a company that is ranked and rated and reviewed. If there were a lot of tourist climbers going I think you’d have more cause for concern.

   5. You will all be so tired that you will all sleep… like the DEAD (spooky, ominous music).

      Just kidding. You’ll be fine. If you’re worried about relying on strangers, than I seriously think you should reconsider traveling to any foreign country or doing any new experience. Most strangers are nice. Most companies do background checks. Most people want to keep their jobs. You’ll be fine.

      If it really bothers you, skip the trail and just take the train or plane up from Cusco. There’s way more strangers there, but you won’t be as reliant on them.

   6. Went recently and had absolutely no safety concerns. The porters take good care of their charges. The bigger concern is the altitude. I took the pills and still got sick and was miserable on day 2 of the hike. Hiking at that altitude is so much harder and I really recommend limiting how much you carry in your daypack. We even hired an extra porter to carry more of our stuff.

   7. I went this past autumn and had no safety concerns at all. There was a language barrier since I don’t speak Spanish, but even with that the porters were still some of the friendliest people I’ve met traveling, and we communicated just fine with lots of pointing and smiling. The issue of safety actually never even crossed my mind – I think as long as you go with a very well rated company you should be more than fine.

      I completely second all the tips for getting in shape. I thought I was in great shape (stairmaster at the gym, practice 2-3hr hikes on the weekend), and the hike just wrecked me. A lot of it was the altitude. Despite spending several days in Cusco to adjust, I turned out to be very sensitive to the altitude, so there was a lot of willpower necessary to get up some of the parts of the trek. If I had it to do over again, I would have done much more challenging weekend hikes with a heavy backpack. Basically, get into MUCH better shape than you think you need to be, since all of your training is occurring with adequate oxygen. That being said, I still had a wonderful time, and was still able to appreciate all of the truly stunning views even while gasping for breath.

3. What are your best tips for looking polished? I am a 29 year old in house attorney- and sometimes going to meetings to give advice to older men in suits I just feel so young. My department doesn’t do suits and I am new so I want to fit in with a business casual environment while looking like an adult human being. Long term I think Invisalign will help, and I have a good shoulder length haircut. I’m working on wardrobe updates, and I think getting into the habit of wearing lipstick will help. Any other tips?

   1. I try to make sure my eyebrows are always well tweezed. I find it goes a long way in making my face look nice/pulled together. I’m interested to hear comments about clothes, though.

   2. Groomed brows
      Lipstick
      Good haircut
      Clean and classic lines for clothes. E.g. Sheath dress
      Decent shoes and bag
      Blazer as needed
      Good Jewellery, even if it’s just pearl studs

   3. If the men you’re meeting are in suits, I don’t think it would be inappropriate for you to be in a suit either. Certainly you should be able to wear suiting pieces, which look a lot more professional than a jersey dress and a cardigan, though some people would consider both outfits “business casual.” Beyond that, I think wearing make-up helps you look older. But some of the things you’re suggesting (Invisalign!?) are super extreme. I mean, get Invisalign if you want it for yourself but don’t get it because you have to present to old dudes at work.

      1. For meetings where I don’t need a suit but want to feel authoritative (33 yr old in-house attorney here), I swear by blazers. Even sweater blazers, which are perfectly acceptable in my business casual office, make me feel a little more polished than my standard cardigan. I wear mostly classic clothing lines (sheath dresses, pencil skirts), and wear relatively simply makeup.

         1. +1 My office dress code is business casual so generally when I am in meetings (they are invariably 95% men) everyone else is in jeans and polos. I usually wear a blazer, even a sweater one.

         2. +100. I wear exclusively blazers now and I always feel dressed up for meetings even when it is not a suit. You may need to get them tailored at the waist and wrists if your bust is larger, but it really does help.

         3. Yes, I use the sweater blazers from St. John (at resale shops) for this very reason.

            1. At which resale shops can you buy St. John?

            2. I get a ton of St. John on consignment.

            3. There’s a consignment shop in Maryland (called Chic to Chic IIRC) that sells almost exclusively St. John, I think they have a deal with a distributor or something. TheRealReal (online consignment) also has quite a bit of it.

      2. Sorry the Invisalign is medically necessary- my teeth are moving and on track to continue moving. I just also think there is something about straight teeth that helps make you look “executive”

         The men I’m meeting aren’t always in suits but I do try to wear more suit like pieces. Sometimes blazers make me feel like I am playing dress up though. I’m kind of large in te chest which I think contributes to that. I feel best in a pair of straight leg pants, a longer shirt, long necklace with an open sweater in a thicker material (sorry for the typos- on mobile and it won’t let me go back)

         1. It sounds like this is a great look. I would focus on darker colours for the pants and cardigan/open sweater and have the shirt underneath in the lighter/different colour. It think it creates a more suit like effect if you have black pants and sweater with pink shirt vs. a black shirt/pants with a pink sweater. I would also suggest avoiding florals or anything ‘twee’. Basically feminine is fine but you want to avoid a girly/young vibe.

         2. Buy a very nice, basic blazer and get it tailored. It will make all the difference.

         3. I have a relatively large chest too. Sweater blazers, gurl. I don’t button them, just wear them open. If they’re tailored at the waist (either off the rack or by a tailor), they’ll be foundation pieces.

            I don’t wear pants generally (I’ve just given up on finding a pair that fits), but if you just replace the longer open sweater with a structured sweater, it helps.

            1. Can you share an example? I’m “blessed” ‘and “stressed” as well about this.

            2. Sure. I’ll post a couple examples, but if you search “knit blazers” in ShopStyle, you’ll get a ton of good results.

            3. http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/4115336418862.jsp?color=035&cm_mmc=LS-_-Affiliates-_-J84DHJLQkR4-_-115861&utm_medium=J84DHJLQkR4&utm_source=AFFILIATES&utm_content=J84DHJLQkR4&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-mwGeXDYDHFZRl5ni4hmw4w#/

            4. I own one very similar to this and wear it all the time.

               http://www.express.com/clothing/women/black-and-gray-stripe-ponte-knit-blazer/pro/6774580/cat1910071?AID=11913451&PID=2178999&SID=1808023476&CID=550&pubname=ShopStyle.com&pubID=2178999

            5. JJ – love that Anthro one!

   4. Keep a dark blazer at your desk that you can throw on over whatever you’re wearing for the men-in-suits meetings, and try to keep your business casual in the “add a jacket and it’s basically a suit” vein (for example, if you’re wearing a sheath dress and a cardigan you can swap the cardigan for a blazer and be suit-meeting ready). Also, if you wear them, heels! I have a few good pairs of pumps that I keep in my desk to throw on for court/meetings/etc. that always make me feel more “adult,” for lack of a better word.

      1. ^This. I always keep a gray tweed blazer and a plain black one at my office so I can switch it out if I’m going to a meeting that may be a bit more formal than my business casual company.

   5. Look for structure in your pieces. Soft jersey dresses, cotton sweaters, drapey tops, all are pretty but contribute to “young”. Look for blazers (I know you said you’re not a fan, but they are a major help), structured sheath dresses or pencil skirts, heels, etc.

      The biggest thing for me is really not how the person looks, but how they talk. Particularly young women are under a microscope and those ums and uptalks contribute to the idea of youth and inexperience.

      1. SORRY! I meant my name to be KT instead of Kat. I am not the “official” Kat!

   6. I am in house as well, in my mid-30s, look young with a company that has a casual dress policy but the execs tend towards business casual. I have struggled with this as well. I have found that a few things help me: classic clothes, blazers, lipstick and heels. I try and keep myself polished but not like I’m trying to looker “older,” which just seems to backfire. I aim to dress just a notch above what is expected (i.e. I will wear jeans, but with heels and a blazer. Others wear jeans and sneakers.). The struggle is keeping it polished while still being approachable. I try and keep my office neat and professional but do not hide the fact that I have kids. Above all else, project confidence!

   7. I’m mid-30’s in house, male dominated industry. We are a “business-lite” office (Directors+ wear full suits, everyone else is pretty much in business casual, “young business” apparel). My go-to has been sheath dresses and heels. I’m adding more structured, well made sheath dresses as time goes on and weeding out the more jersey knit types. I keep one blazer in my office but really should add in another one.

      What are “knit blazers”? This sounds like something I could add.

      1. Knit blazers are what they sound like — blazers but made out of a knit/jersey/ponte material instead of suiting/tweed material. They’re great for days when you want to feel like you are wearing a sweatshirt but look like you are wearing a blazer – I have ones from Macys, Nordies, H&M, and the Limited. You can find them most places online if you search for “knit blazer” or “sweater blazer.”

         1. Here’s a super cute one from Macy’s right now: http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-shawl-collar-knit-blazer-only-at-macys?ID=2146815&CategoryID=120&LinkType=#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D23%26slotId%3D14%26kws%3Dknit%20blazer

            And here’s one from Nordstrom: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/classiques-entier-wool-blend-jersey-one-button-jacket-regular-petite/4080762?origin=coordinating-4080762-0-4-PP_3-Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2-also_carted&recs_type=coordinating&recs_productId=4080762&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=4&recs_placementId=PP_3&recs_source=Data_Lab_Recommendo_V2&recs_strategy=also_carted&recs_referringPageType=item_page

            1. I like that Macy’s one and am going to the store tonight to look at it. Thanks for posting the link.

   8. Good posture and a confident stance.

   9. I went through a similar quest a few years ago (I’m mid-30s now) to try and figure out how to look polished. I found it comes down to 2 things:

      1) Always wear a blazer! As others have said, even sweater blazers will still give you the “polished” effect.

      2) Makeup is the other big thing. I wear a light dusting of pressed powder (use one of the Sephora “air” brushes instead of the powder puff that comes in the compact), a little NARS blush, eyeliner on my top lids (I use black liquid eyeliner in the Stila felt tip pen), and mascara on my top lashes. There’s just something about that small amount of makeup that takes me from looking casual to looking insta-polished.

      A neutral, well-tailored wardrobe, earrings and a necklace, and a haircut that you don’t need to touch are the only other things that I’ve found really make a difference.

   10. Thank you all! these are great tips. I really appreciate it!

4. My husband and I are thinking of traveling to Iceland this summer. We are leaning toward Reykjavik, but haven’t decided yet.

   If you’ve ever been to Iceland, where did you go and what did you do? If you stayed in Reykjavic, any suggestions on lodging, restaurants, activities?

   1. I went to Iceland last May – stayed in Reykjavik. It was lovely! It is the country’s major city and the majority of the population live in and around it. We stayed in an Airbnb, did blue lagoon/golden circle one day, glacial snorkeling and caving the next, and drove the west coast on our last day. My only regret was not having time to get to the glaciers on the southern coast. What kind of trip do you want to have? More tours, more exploring on your own?

      1. Thanks for the info! We prefer exploring on our own but weren’t sure if we should do tours because we know relatively little about the country and don’t know the language.

         I definitely want to go to the coasts though. Did you just rent a car? We will be there 4 full days.

         1. I had some awesome tour guides – but nearly everybody speaks English. We did our organized tours the first two days and were on our own the third. Renting a car is pretty easy. Gas is expensive. We used a GPS from the rental company. We took the bus from the airport and rented the car in town.

            I’d recommend doing some organized and some on your own. The tour guides just know a lot of history and fact you’ll miss out on otherwise. For certain things, like glaciers and caving, there is also a safety factor involved. Honestly my two favorite things were snorkeling, which I did not expect to like, and the day we drove around. 4 full days is what I would consider to be the perfect amount of time. We left here on a Wednesday night and returned on Monday. Our arrival day was sunk – we slept until 2 then just walked around the city. And we had to leave fairly early for the airport, so the departure day was sunk too.

   2. You should go! I’ve spent some time there. Unless you’re planning to go for only a couple days, you should do more than just Reykjavik – it is a pretty small city. You can take different guided excursions, but one of the popular things to do is rent a car and drive the ring road. If I were you, I’d spend a couple days in Reykjavik, visit the blue lagoon, and then maybe drive the southern part of the ring road if you are not up to the whole thing. Leave the city and drive through the golden circle and then drive south and hop on the road and head west, at least to Vatnajokull. Along the way you can visit hot springs, go hiking, see the black sand beaches, look at a little museum or two, see Jokulsarlon (the glacial lagoon, worth seeing), and the national park. It’s very easy to get around Iceland, there is a ton of English spoken there, there is not much traffic, and things aren’t too far apart. If you do want to leave the city, you should book your lodging now because there isn’t much available in some areas. If you can, I would recommend stopping here overnight – you’ll be right on a very cool beach: http://reynisfjara-guesthouses.com/en/the-cottages . In Reykjavik, you mostly want to stay somewhere within walking distance to the main shopping street Laugavegur.

      1. Thank you! This is very helpful.

      2. Unless you love spas, I’d skip the Blue Lagoon. I found it super miss-able.

         1. 100% disagree. I am not a spa person at all (never had a massage in my life and never go to spas on vacation) but the Blue Lagoon was one of the two biggest highlights of my trip to Iceland. If you’re a photographer, it’s also a cool thing to photograph.

5. I wanted to post an update on cords for pears (I may be more of a pair than most: I often buy curvy cut pants and still get them taken in at the waist).

   Observations:

   Kut from the Kloth was a disappointment — they would not stay up! Returned.

   Old Navy, which I thought I could do much better than, was a clearly superior value in retrospect. Sure, the rise could be a tad higher and tighter. A Tall length would be needed by many (one of the few that I did not need to hem). But overall, my respect has gone way up. Also: I do not worry about ruining them.

   NYDJ Samantha pants. Technically, not a cord. And I needed a bigger size (they said “order down” — not with these hips and tights!). Overall very pleased.

   A QUESTION: for the Samantha wearers in the crowd: what length do you hem yours for — wearing with heels or boots? Tucking in? I’m thinking I would wear with flats when it gets warmer but want to keep my options open now that it’s cold and my feet are so much warmer in boots. And do they shrink any?

   1. So glad you got the Samanthas! Re shrinkage: they tighten up a bit after washing and air-drying, but then sort of stretch out again. Overall, they keep their size pretty well. I wear mine with flats, but I’m super tall anyway, so I don’t wear heels.

6. I’m responsible for planning a family reunion for about 15 people this summer including 3 young kids. Potential locations are west coast/midwest and Mexico. The issue is we need a house with around 8 bedrooms AND that has an on-site cook to cook all or most meals. The reason for the cook is because otherwise, one particular aunt will spend all of her time in the kitchen cooking and not actually enjoying it as a vacation.

   I can think of plenty of rental homes that can accommodate our group, but I have never heard of an on-site cook or a place where meals are covered. At resorts I imagine meals are covered, but it’s important to us that we all stay in the same house (as opposed to individual rental units/condos).

   Any ideas? Thanks!

   1. I think rental houses that include chefs are fairly common. I have friends that have done that in Central America and the food blo*ger (not sure if that word goes to moderation) Iowa Girl Eats wrote about staying in a house w/ a chef in Puerto Vallarta: http://iowagirleats.com/2015/03/06/sun-sand-and-surf-in-puerto-vallarta-mexico/

   2. You can do this in two parts too- the chef doesn’t have to come with the house. You can get the house and then hire the chef – I know that’s very common

   3. You could look into booking them separately. Find a rental house you want and then see if there are any personal chef services in the area.

      1. You could also fly one in from the states.

   4. Thanks for the replies so far. I should have added that all meals need to be vegetarian (eggs/dairy ok, no poultry/fish/meat).

      1. I read that Iowa Girl Eats post and they made her celiac meals, so I am sure they could make you vegetarian meals.

   5. You need to go to Conde Nast Traveler’s website. Every year they do a survey of geographic travel agent experts. Some will specialize in family reunions. Some will specialize in villas in Mexico. They will book you just the right thing!

   6. We rented a 4 brm house in Puerto Vallarta and it had an in house chef. I think they are pretty common, look on VRBO.

7. Talk to me about shopping moratoriums. Have you ever gone on one, why did you do it and for how long did you do it? What were your rules? (i.e. could you buy something every X months or buy something in X situation, or only buy something if it was on sale?)

   1. I did one for 3 months. I was making a six-figure income but had zero money, and I constantly wondered where it went. When I looked at my credit card bills, it was all clothes, shoes, and makeup; no way I could use it all.

      My rule was no clothes or shoes for 3 months. For makeup, I could only buy essentials like a foundation or nude lipstick if I literally ran out of the current one and had nothing left. No more, oooooo MAC has a new lipstick and it’s a vaguely different red than the 7 I already have!

      Otherwise, no exceptions, because that’s a slippery slope for me. I ended up building up a pretty solid savings account, and it did carry over once I stopped because it made me more mindful of what I had and what I needed.

   2. Yup! I did it last year for Q1 and will do it again this year for the same amount of time. I just didn’t buy stuff for myself. If it was hard, I found putting things in my cart and then closing the window helped. I also didn’t go to stores for myself.

      Exceptions like groceries? I just didn’t buy any clothes or accessories or shoes or makeup during that time.

   3. I’ve done a few different things. I’ve done the “no clothing/jewelry/shoe shopping for 3 months” thing (or even one month or two months), and that included underwear, socks, bras….just get by with what I have. I’ve also done “$100 a month for a year”, where I could spend ahead if I wanted something that was $200, but then I wouldn’t be able to spend until I could access the third month’s funds.

      Personally, I stay away from “buy something in X situation”, since I’m reeeeeally good at convincing myself that this is an X situation, and I also stay away from “buying something on sale” – I prefer to buy an item that I need (a black blazer, skinnier pants for work, whatever) and buy the best fit that’s in my budget. Buying things on sale or because they are cheap is a trap where I end up with stuff I don’t need or really want.

      One of my best lessons learned was to stop buying a “lesser” version of something I wanted. “Gee, I love this necklace, but I don’t want to spend $200. Here’s a kind of similar necklace for $40.” Well, I don’t love it, and never wear it, and now I wasted $40 on that when I could have just waited, saved the extra $160, and bought something I loved.

      And finally, when I’ve made these mistakes anyway and ended up with stuff that’s just not good enough or I don’t love it, I’m getting better at getting rid of it.

      Signed,

      Someone with an eternal clothing problem

      1. This is awesome, thank you. Not the OP but I am going to do this.

   4. I don’t have a moratorium (I find it hard to find clothes that fit and have no time to shop, so if something fits, I get it), but I have a strict eviction rule. I can get something that fits perfectly (or needs a standard alteration I usually do — hem, taking in the waist on pants or skirts). I have to love it. It has to fill a gaping hole (prior item ruined, stained, looking too worn to be on its A game, etc.) or completely take the place of a current item (new red sweater for pilled sweater from years ago; new red sweater for blue one I don’t wear).

   5. I am imposing one. I made some good progress on debts in the end of 2015 and want the momentum to continue forward into 2016. I’m allowed to replace necessities when they fall apart (I except to need new jeans) but not otherwise, and I should look for cheaper options (makeup) when possible.

      I also find it helpful to make a list of things I have wayyy too many of, which are the things I always impulse buy, like water bottles, tote bags, books, and remind myself that even though I think I could never have too many books, in fact I already do.

      I’m still allowing myself to go out to eat with friends, which is the other thing I “waste” money on.

   6. My rule currently is that I can only buy it if 1) I sleep on it, and I still really want the item, or 2) it’s something that needs to be replaced.

      I realized that I was doing a lot of “I’m sad, so I’m going to buy things online”, or “I had a bad day, I’m going to hit the mall”, and spending a lot of money on stuff I thought I “needed” but it was really just a distraction from other things in life. Once I hit the pause button on impulse buying, it just wasn’t an issue anymore.

      1. Haha I thought when you said you can only buy stuff if you sleep on it meant you were going to be buying a LOT of mattresses this year.

      2. I misread this and thought, “You can only buy mattresses?” But when I actually read it, I agree with your entire post.

   7. My coworker and I did one last year as a new year’s resolution: flat six-month ban on all clothing or accessory purchases. I did it for financial reasons, and because honestly, I already had enough clothing and needed to focus on wearing what was in my closet instead of getting distracted by shiny new things. If I’d had some kind of non-negotiable staple wear out (e.g., runs in every pair of black tights, hole in my one pair of jeans) I would have broken it, but otherwise there were no exceptions. It was a useful exercise and I definitely saved money, despite caving and buying an occasion-specific dress in May (oops). Would recommend.

   8. I did one last year for Jan/Feb and I’m doing it again this year. Part of what helps is that clothes are boring this time a year. I have enough sweaters and I don’t really need more. I just don’t buy clothes/shoes/accessories, but if I want to buy a book or something, it’s fine. (Although I bought new sneakers already but I think those were a need)

      I find a lot of times, shopping is more of a “I’m bored” activity, not that I actually need something. Doing this helps me be more mindful about my shopping. I would also highly recommend.

   9. Yes, I have. Before you do, I suggest making a list of what you have and what you think you need. This separates needs from wants. Then the best thing to do is to filter all of your promotion emails or use unroll.me to just unsubscribe so you are not tempted by bargains. And then, no shopping but food/household needs (cleaning supplies) and basic drugstore supplies (shampoos, etc.)

      Then, after the moratorium is up, reevaluate if you still need what you thought you needed. Turns out you may have lived fine without it, and your needs were actually wants.

      Another fun thing to do during moratoriums is to shop your closet. So invite a friend over, get out some wine, and have your friend pick out outfits for you from your closet. I guarantee that she will identify pieces and combinations that you hadn’t thought of yourself. It’s really fun and makes it seem like you’re getting new outfits, even when it’s your own stuff.

      Good luck!

   10. I’m imposing one right now to help reduce spending and help put a dent in my credit card debt. I have a couple basic clothing staples I’m allowing myself to buy IF they’re just what I’m looking for and reasonably priced (no settling), but other than that no new clothes, no new accessories, and I can only buy new personal care items if I actually run out of what I have and use often.

       I don’t have a time goal right now, I guess I’m gonna take it one month at a time. I’m hoping I can stay motivated by reminding myself of the things I want to buy/do but I’m not letting myself until my finances are in better shape. I want a new bed, I want to attend out-0f-state dance events, I want to eventually get a new(er) car, but none of that is happening until the debt goes away and my credit score breaks 800.

       1. Maybe you should hold off dreams for a newer car, and out of state dance events, until you pay off your debt completely?

          Why just dent your CC debt? Pay it off, and adjust your lifestyle.

          You can do it!

          1. “but none of that is happening until the debt goes away and my credit score breaks 800”

             I thought I was clear that I WAS holding off on those things until I paid off my debt. In the beginning I was saying that the moratorium was to put a dent in it, and depending on how that goes I might slowly re-introduce some spending while continuing to pay off the debts.

             1. Some people are just on a mean streak today. You do you.

             2. I don’t think it was mean, just making a judgment based on poor understanding of what I wrote. It happens, and I think we’ve all done it from time to time. Honestly, the fact that no one’s torn me a new butthole just for having CC debt seems like a miracle.

   11. I’m on one as of January 1. Motivation is a combination of an upcoming move (so I’m in purge-mode, not acquire-mode, possessions wise) and upcoming transition to working from home (so I really don’t need new clothes).

       Exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis for workhorse items that are past their prime only. There is absolutely nothing I need right now, but for example, I only own one pair of blue jeans (and I wear them frequently). If something happens to them, I get to replace them. If I just decide I want a different pair b/c different, I don’t.

   12. I’m on one right now — I bought a ton of clothes in Q4 so my goal is to not buy anything new until I’ve worn everything currently in my closet at least once. Unless it’s some truly unforeseeable occasion, like suddenly needing a black-tie gown, I shouldn’t need anything new, and often when I want something new, it’s actually just a variation on something I already have, so I want to focus on learning to style what I already have in my closet.

   13. I always do a 3 month shopping moratorium from October to December where I don’t buy anything for myself (I do buy Christmas presents for others) so that I don’t mess with gifting plans others might have and because I know I will have an influx of stuff to fit into my tiny apartment come December 25th and because focusing on the shopping I’m doing for others makes it more fun. The rules are that I can’t buy any clothing, shoes, accessories, beauty products, homewares, books/DVDs, but obviously I do buy things like groceries and hygiene products for myself.

       I am embarking on a 12 month shopping moratorium! I’m doing it to save money and to challenge myself to get use out of the lovely things I already own rather than buying more. I have a cycle of lusting after something, buying it, loving it for a while, and then quickly lusting after some new thing, which I want to break. The rules are that I cannot buy anything new clothing or shoes, other than underwear, in 2016. I’m nervous about it, but I think it’ll be a good challenge. I didn’t want to introduce “one item a month” or “only for special occasions” because I am so good at rationalizing that pretty soon I’m buying my Janaury and February item at the same store because there’s a 2-for-1 deal (or I’m counting the 2-for-1 deal as one item!) and categorizing my staycation as a special occasion!

8. DC metro riders, I just stupidly left a $100 pair of sunglasses behind on the metro. Has anyone had luck recovering items left on the metro?

   1. Good luck with that.

   2. http://www.wmata.com/about_metro/lost_found/

      Good luck!

   3. A fun article that will give you hope!

      https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/trafficandcommuting/at-metros-lost-and-found-you-never-know-what-youll-find/2014/11/08/a4f348bc-651c-11e4-836c-83bc4f26eb67_story.html

      1. This does give me hope! Thanks! I just wish the lost and found weren’t all the way in Hyattsville… .:)

   4. This is a “hope for the best but prepare for the worst” situation.

   5. I lost a pair of polarized Ray-Bans skiing Beaver Creek last month. I’m still sad.

      1. On the plus side, you got to hit the slopes at Beaver Creek. Mmmm, end of day chocolate chip cookies!

         1. And free champs at 3:00 yay

   6. Yes! I got my wallet back from the metro!! From the place in the link that one of the other posters listed.

   7. Yes… make the online claim and CALL after 5 business days. I know it says not to but no matter how well describe your item, it’s a human on the other end trying to match claims to the stuff that comes in. I got a gym bag last year that had a complete work outfit, my dress watch, make-up bag, etc. It does take time for things to filter back to lost and found.

9. Santa is letting me choose b/w Frye Campus 14L and Frye Campus Stitching Horse boots. I love them both! Do any of you have either and can you comment on fit / wearability / anything else that might be helpful? Either would be a good choice, but the Horse is slightly taller (and has the horse, which is barely noticeable in the banana color).

   I already have western boots and flat riding-type boots. Need something different, but which ones?

   1. You must have been *very* good. I like the Horse. The stitching dresses it up a bit. Campus 14L is a little boring.

10. Springboarding off yesterday’s conversation about wedding registries: what’s the most appropriate way to communicate that we’d prefer contributions to charities rather than gifts? Obviously not on the invitations, no question about that. I’m wondering if this is something best left to a wedding website — which I had been hoping to avoid, but I’m not sure what else to do.

    Also, any suggestions on phrasing? We’re skipping gifts both because we have everything we need and because we’re moving to a HCOL city next year and expect to downsize significantly. Should we list some charities that we have personal connections to? Any wisdom would be appreciated!

    1. IMO, do NOT mention it on the website or the invitation or anywhere else. Leave it to word of mouth – chatty aunt Cathy or someone who will tell people they don’t need gifts but would appreciate contributions to X charity. People will want to give you things anyway and I don’t think there is any way around that, but I would just send a gracious thank you note and then return items you don’t want and give the refund to charity, etc.

    2. Say nothing, except to your mom/BFF, don’t register, and when people ask tell them that donations to XYZ charity would mean the world to you. When people give you cash, donate it.

    3. I didn’t have a wedding Emily Post would have approved of- so this may not be helpful to you- but we were upfront about it on our wedding invitations. Where we would’ve put a registry link, we simply wrote something along the lines of “In lieu of gifts for the couple, please consider making a donation to the charitable organization of your choice.” About half of our guests did that and included a note in a card to us and the other half wrote us checks and indicated we could keep the money or donate it as we pleased.

    4. I think it’s fine (and actually standard in my circle) to have a registry section on the wedding website – note that there should be lots of other content so it’s not just about the registry.(e.g. how you met, directions to wedding location, suggestions for hotels nearby etc). Under the registry part you could say something like, “We are delighted if you can join us to celebrate our wedding. To us, your presence is our gift. We have everything we need to start this next chapter in our lives together. If you would nonetheless like to gift something, we are big supporters of XYZ charity for ABC reason. A contribution to XYZ charity can be made here (link).” (this is pretty rough – write what works for you). I particularly like it if there is a true personal connection – eg groom did his masters’ research in this conservation area and this fund helps protect the area from development or bride did a semester abroad in this developing country and volunteered at this orphanage etc.

       1. +1 I think this language or something similar is fine.

       2. We used Thankful Registry, which allowed us to select multiple charities and also register for a few things (my mom’s family really, really wanted us to have a registry). We are/were both in our mid-30s and didn’t need much, or anything really. I loved Thankful because you could actually put a description in there. So we chose the library, which is a personal cause for both of us, and the Animal Rescue League, which is where I adopted my beloved dog. And both of those charities are ones we contribute to ourselves, so it was an easy choice.

    5. What about just saying “no gifts, please” somewhere? I love giving people presents, but my charitable contributions are personal and I really dislike feeling directed to someone else’s cause. I don’t think this is an Emily Post type of violation or anything, but I’d be a little annoyed at this kind of request. I’d rather even give you cash and not know what you did with it, even if that’s donate it to charity. And on the money topic above, you could just return all your gifts and donate the cash amount to a charity of your choice and take the deduction yourself.

    6. Maybe I’m missing something. I totally agree with spreading the downsizing news via word of mouth — that’s what the wedding party and chatty relatives are for! But why do your guests need to make a donation in your name? What’s the issue with just donating the gift money you receive to charity yourself?

    7. We did this for our wedding. After everyone asked us over and over about our registry we finally posted:

       “We are kindly asking for no gifts.

       The best gift of all will be to have our favorite people all together for a weekend of celebration.

       If you’d still like to give a gift, we would be honored if you chose to donate to a charity in our names. Here are a few of our favorites:”

       and then we listed 3 charities that we felt close to. I wrote thank you notes to each person who shared with us that they had donated in our name.

       1. Just to be clear this was posted on our website

11. What do you say in an email requesting time off? I’m really stalling on wording. I have already booked travel so I don’t want to say “I am requesting…” and what do you say about projects, if anything? Like, “I will have my currently assigned projects completed by Jan. 14; please let me know if you need any additional assignments completed before then.” or something? Please help me out of my awkwardness!

    1. “Manager, I am planning to be out of the office from m,/dd-mm/dd for vacation. Please let me know if there are any issues or anything you’d like my attention on before then. Thanks, Me”

    2. I think it really depends on the environment. In my company, it’s completely ok (well, in my division) to say, “I’ll be taking X-Y off” and “I’ll schedule a meeting before I leave to ensure my backup understands where all my projects are at.”

       In other cases, you really should be asking for the time off before booking the vacation.

    3. “I’m planning to be out X dates and returning on Y. I will have my current projects in line and there don’t appear to be any other conflicts.”

       Assuming your workplace treats you like grown-ups who can plan around the stuff they know about, rather than needing you to ask permission.

12. Does anyone have advice or a reference for tailoring your resume for a specific job posting?

    1. Look at what the posting requires and make sure you address each requirement with a bullet on your resume. That’s really helpful for cover letters and interviews as well.

    2. I had my resumee looked at by a job counselor during long-term unemployment.
       I had a section at top that was a bullet list: Job Qualifications/Skills:
       – job requirement #1
       – job requirement #2
       – job requirement #3
       – standard applicable highlight callout #1
       – standard applicable highlight callout #2

       For some jobs, this went on for 10-12 bullet points. It was a mix between the job requirements and what I wanted to highlight from my past experience for each job, and also what is generally applicable to all jobs that is worth highlighting.

       Then, below that, about 1/2 way down page 1, started my traditional (reverse chronology) resumee. My total resumee was about 2 pages, not more. I’m mid-career, MBA, consultant, if that helps.

13. I am so very tired of blow-drying my hair (currently cut in a bob) straight every morning and then spending the whole day worrying about humidity, rain, sweat, the pool, etc. I am seriously contemplating a pixie cut (think Sharon Stone at the 1998 Oscars). What’s holding me back is that although I am in my 30s, my hair is around 75% gray. Right now it is colored to approximately my original natural color with subtle highlights. I have the roots touched up every 5 weeks; by week 3 the roots are starting to show and at week 5 they are pretty obvious. I am concerned that if I go with a pixie cut, the gray roots will be even more of an issue. I am not interested in embracing the gray at this point. Does anyone have experience with short, colored hair?

    1. What about coloring it something closer to the gray so the roots are not as noticeable? Blondish instead of brown, for example (having no idea what you are currently working with).

       1. Original color was dark brown. I am already coloring it medium brown to reduce the contrast with the roots. I tried going closer to blonde, but it made me look washed out. But maybe the color will look different short…

    2. If it helps, my mom has medium brown hair and did a pixie a few years ago. She does need to get her hair colored every 4 weeks, (her pixie needs to be trimmed by that time anyway), but in between she uses a color-depositing shampoo & conditioner from Sally’s-globbing it on at the roots–and that helps cover roots in between.

       1. +1 If you can find a good color depositing shampoo and conditioner this is the way to go. I was able to keep very vibrant red highlights (red is one of the fastest fading hair colors) for 8+ weeks using this method until they discontinued the product.

    3. I think a pixie cut will be a lot of maintenance, both for the color and to keep the cut in shape. When I had one I get it cut at least once a month – my hair grows fast. Is your hair curly? How about getting a cut closer to what you have now and skipping the straightening?

    4. I am similar to you. Hair type/color/grey issues/styles. I’m still with the bob, but have had the pixie/variation of pixie in the past. I am also considering going back to the pixie, but it is very painful……. I would need it trimmed at least every 3-4 weeks, and the coloring needs to be very good and quite complex with highlights or yes…. the grey growing in fast can make it look worse. Sometimes you are lucky and if you can pull off the tosseled/spikey look, you can hide some of the roots for a week. But I needed more complex highlights to get away with this, and I was just fooling myself. My hair is very fine/straight, so no place to hide…

       It was very expensive for me to maintain. If you can afford it, and spending more hours/$ in the salon is worth the time saved each morning etc.., then go for it.

       I finally just gave up. I’m going grey. I have an excellent hairdresser that monitors my coloring and when he thinks I look too washed out we will add a few highlights. I haven’t found my perfect haircut for me yet…. in my opinion.

       My mix of grey is interesting, but makes me look older.

       People comment on my greys frequently…. mostly family and older friends. They feel like subtle insults.

       I do get compliments randomly on the street. Who knows…

    5. I have a short pixie cut – think Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby. I also colour out my gray hair to my natural colour (dark blonde). The roots don’t start to look ugly until about 6 weeks, at which point I am due for a trim anyway.

    6. I have short, colored hair. I get it cut every 5-6 weeks and colored every other time I get a cut. Roots start showing at about 9 weeks but I don’t mind stretching it a little.

14. Rental property — has anyone bought one? Would you do it again? Was it as hard being a landlord as everyone says? Did you get a property mgmt. company and how much did you pay them (what kind of property — apartment; single family house etc. and what city)?

    Basically just wanted to know if the hive can offer an resources/advice to someone considering this investment? I have gone back and forth on this for so long.

    1. We have a small 2 bedroom house that is now a rental property. We bought it as our first house and then when it was time for something larger the market was so bad that we decided to rent it out instead. It helps that my husband is very handy and can fix a lot of things and do the preventative maintenance. It is a huge pain to find good tenants however. We finally have an older couple who have been there for a few years and are timely with rent payments. We don’t currently make any money off it, but the rent does cover the mortgage.

    2. I don’t have any rental property myself, but my dad has a bunch (two small farms; two single-family homes; total of six apartments spread across the properties + his primary residence) so I have a solid understanding of the nuts and bolts. I will start off by saying I would never want to do what he does, since he for all intents and purposes he runs his own property management company; but I would be open to having one low-maintenance rental, if some future house or condo didn’t sell or had strong income potential.

       It is definitely hard being a landlord…sometimes. Finding good tenants who will pay the rent on time and take care of the property can be like finding a needle in a haystack, but if you’ve got good ones, your headaches will be greatly decreased. My dad’s had some nightmares over the years (hoarders, people who didn’t know how to use a wood-burning fireplace and burned out a living room wall, etc.) in addition to your run-of-the-rental-mill dirty people who don’t pay their rent on time. With a rental property that’s in good shape, requires minimal upkeep, and has responsible tenants, there shouldn’t be too much to do past routine maintenance…but getting to that point isn’t easy.

       There are always going to be maintenance emergencies, so you need to have a generous emergency fund you can access if necessary. You also need to have enough money to cover the mortgage on the income property if you have a lengthy gap between tenants, because it’s likely to happen at some point. For example, the single-family home with the tenant/fireplace issues had been a consistent rental income for like…12 years, but then that family moved; new tenants came in and burned down half the living room; and it took something appalling like 5 months to get all of the damage repaired, during which time it was generating no income and my dad had to cover the mortgage and maintenance out of pocket. That was a financial stretch.

       1. Similarly, my husband and I have rental properties, but we live in a LCOL area so it may be a completely different ball game than what OP is thinking.

          Very, very rarely things are going smoothly and it’s just a matter of collecting money and paying the bills. However, when things go wrong, they tend to do so spectacularly and expensively (although we haven’t had anything quite as terrible as the fire you mention, thank goodness). My husband has a flexible job, so he is able to do most of the repair/maintenance work himself, which makes all the difference to whether we are losing money or breaking even. However, it never fails that as soon as he leaves town for a business trip or vacation, something major will break and need immediate service, like exploding plumbing that floods the entire basement and takes out the hot water heater, or the furnace crapping out during the polar vortex.

          In our market, paying a property management company would mean that we might just barely break even, but more likely pay out more to them and the mortgage than we are bringing in – so unless you can afford to buy a property in the clear with no mortgage, it probably isn’t a great investment.

          The only way I could recommend a rental as being a good investment is if you are able to find an affordable duplex or maybe 3-plex where you live in one unit and the rent from the other units covers the bulk of the mortgage payments. That is how we got our start with rental properties. Things like collecting rents are much easier when your tenants are your next door neighbors, and it also makes it easier to keep an eye out for problems to catch them earlier.

    3. Almost everyone I know owns rentals so I think I understand the nuances. Get a rental property with appeal to professionals, so things like in suite laundry, real hardwood (vs laminate or carpet) and dishwashers are all big sells. Be pet friendly, people are much grosser than animals. Having a higher end rental also helps mitigate the bug costs because people are gross. Actually check rental and work references. Hire move in/out cleaners, painters ect. I don’t think you need a company as long as you are discerning, think about letting tenants pay rent via direct deposit, it might cost you 5 or something at the bank but it’s a perk that attracts better tenants.

       1. Agreed. Much better to have a higher mortgage IF it will attract the young professionals in your city as they’ll pay higher rents and are generally more considered about paying rent on time etc. as they don’t want to tank their credit; so you have less change of dealing with landlord tenant court, evictions etc.

          Part of me wants to invest in Manhattan just for this reason. The apartments are tiny (but pricey with HUGE condo/coop fees), you don’t have to do much to improve the apartments – as they’re small enough that people aren’t expecting laundry etc., but you have thousands of new investment bankers and lawyers who move in yearly who need a place to hang their suits close to work as they work 80+ hrs a week so they can certainly pay the rent.

    4. DH and I own a triplex, and we live in one unit and rent out the other two. When thinking about whether it’s worth the investment, find out as much as possible about all expenses beforehand — interest rate, payment on principal, insurance, property taxes, and regular maintenance, and then factor in emergency expenses depending on the age of the house. Can the rental pay the expenses? Our two rentals barely pay the regular expenses, and we pay the principle and have had to pay for one major emergency repair. Honestly, if we rented out the unit we live in, I am skeptical that we would make money unless the property appreciates in value (which, of course, we are hoping for, but there are no guarantees). I’d be even more skeptical if you were paying fees to a property manager. Also, YMMV, but my experience as a tenant with a property management company was that they did a horrible job with maintenance and repairs, which in the long run probably devalued the property.

       We haven’t found being landlords to be too difficult. It makes a big difference that we live on the property, so I would suggest finding a place near where you live (as opposed to a vacation rental). The other advantage is that you can use your existing network of repairmen and service providers. Seriously, finding a good plumber, handyman, AC repairman, electrician, general contractor, etc. has been SO essential for us. This is probably true of any house, but if there are multiple units, there are multiple things that break often (think, 3 toilets, 3 showers, 3 kitchens, 3 washers, 3 driers, 3 AC units, 3 heaters).

       We live in a quiet, lower-to-middle-class, somewhat suburban neighborhood, so college students are not our potential renters. My MIL has a rental property across the street from a fairly large university, and she rents out the units for an insane amount of money but has to deal with a lot more issues (redoing the lawn every year or so because people, not necessarily the tenants, park on the grass, refinishing the floors, redoing the kitchen, major cleaning between tenants).

       As for pets, I’m conflicted. We allowed one of our current tenants to have her two cats (we have two ourselves), but now she seems to have lots of cats (maybe 5). I’ll spare everyone the details, but they are gross. Also, while I don’t agree with it, insurance policies often prohibit some breeds of dogs. And, now that the family below us has two rambunctious young children, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about liability for another tenant’s dog’s reaction to these children. (To be clear, I’m imagining a scenario where the children did something to provoke the dog, and I’d personally blame the children and parents, but I’m happy I don’t have to worry about my liability in that situation.)

15. This may be a fairly specific question, but I also know many ladies on this board have surely addressed something similar so I hope their wisdom can help me.

    My husband just made partner at a law firm! While this is excellent news, our finances suddenly look very different for 2016 than we had anticipated. As the one primarily responsible for our family finances, I’m struggling with how to account for him no longer being an employee-receiving-a-biweekly-paycheck and becoming effectively self-employed. How did you adjust your budget to account for the different and more uncertain pay structure and schedule? Or do I just need to let my budgeting go for a little bit until the dust settles?

    TIA.

    1. Do you have an accountant? I would hire one. I am assuming based on this question that your husband is an equity partner and therefore is getting draws (monthly? quarterly? as finances allow? all firms are a little different). You will want to sure you are setting yourselves up properly to deal with quarterly taxes and what your tax burden will look like. As far as budgeting, I would ask him to find out what his anticipated draw will be and go from there. Have him ask around to some other newer partners as to how they handle. When I made partner, I was surprised to learn that basically everyone had a lien of credit that they would draw on throughout the year and payback as draws came in. But again, it’s very firm dependent.

    2. Not law, but the way we dealt with lumpy, uncertain paychecks was to keep much higher than normal cash reserves in a separate savings account. Monthly we could move money to the checking account to pay normal expenses, then about twice a year would make lump sum investments.

16. There’s been a lot of money talk recently, so here’s a question for you – how do you talk to a (higher-earning) SO who doesn’t feel a need to sacrifice anything in order to prioritize retirement and student loan payments? He has no interest in retiring early, and has an “I’ll work till I die at my desk” attitude, so he sees no point to saving for general retirement. If there’s extra money hanging around, he’ll save it, but thinks it’s worth more to “enjoy life” now while he’s young since he will in all likelihood double his income in the next ten years, and he says he’ll just save a lot at that point, when it’s easier. This is coming up right now because because he just negotiated a 25% raise, and it’s killing me that that money is probably going to go straight to his (expensive) hobbies.

    My arguments on compound interest haven’t really convinced him. He opened an IRA to appease me, but I don’t believe he contributes regularly. Is there a good, succinct article or website to send him to? MMM will turn him off – he’ll see it as deprivation, and I doubt he’ll read an entire book. Is the only recourse to just drag him to a meeting with a financial advisor?

    1. Frankly, it sounds like you both have different priorities about retirement and financial planning. You may be able to convince him via financial advisor, but I wouldn’t plan on that.

    2. I’m general very frugal and think people should save save save, but his attitude actually doesn’t sound that terrible to me. It’s hard without specific numbers and certainly if he has massive debt and/or essentially no retirement savings, that’s a problem, but it sounds like he is paying down debt and saving for retirement at a reasonable rate, you just think he’s spending too much on fun stuff. That might be true, but it’s hard to make that determination without knowing percentages/amounts. The only specific data point you’ve given is that a 25% raise is going to fund a hobby, and that isn’t terrible per se if his finances are otherwise in decent shape.

       Also, if this SO is a boyfriend or someone from whom your finances are entirely separate, it’s not really your business. Sorry.

       1. But she said he has student loan debt and essentially no retirement savings – that’s what she’s concerned about.

       2. Well, his attitudes about money are her business if this is a serious relationship – whether it will be formalized or not – as a piece of information for her to decide if this is someone she wants to spend the long term with. And it doesn’t sound like his finances are otherwise in order – it sounds like he has very little in retirement savings.

          That being said, if you’ve had the conversations and given him the math and it’s not making a dent, then there’s a real possibility that you won’t be able to change his attitude on money, and you need to decide if that’s something you can live with. It’s fine if you can’t, but then this might not be the guy for you.

       3. We’re at the point where we’re talking about marriage, so it’s definitely my business.

          Throughout my life, my parents were very upfront about the vital importance of savings, retirement, emergency funds, and budgeting. We were upper middle class, but there were a decent number of conversations along the lines of “we can’t afford to buy you this expensive thing your friends have, and here are the numbers to explain why to you.” His family was wealthier, but I don’t think he’s ever been exposed to that attitude. He’s very intelligent, so I hope it’s just a matter of having someone more well versed in finance explain this to him better than I can.

    3. I think you need to approach it from the uncertainty of life angle. What if he gets cancer or heart disease and cannot work for an extended period? Or a car accident with brain injury and can only work in a part time job? Financial planning that assumes perfect health and continued ability to work in a high paying job (assumes employer doesn’t lay him off/no industry down turns) is fairly egotistical. A high paying job doesn’t protect you from life. Life happens – enjoy life but realize that perfect health and a great job are blessings not guarantees – that’s the approach I would take vs. arguing about compound interest.

       1. I was just about to say the same thing – if you are married and one of you is sick or injured, then what? What about when kids come into the equation – childcare, illness, insurance, etc.? What about if a tree falls on your house and insurance pays but does it on a reimbursement basis – do you have the cash to pay first? Frame it that way. If that means nothing to him, then you have something to think about moving forward.

    4. I was literally about to post a very similar question. Your SO sounds like mine (I hate the expensive hobbies), except DH doesn’t want to work until he dies but instead had a parent die within a year of retirement so he prioritizes enjoying life now. We don’t have debt and have a rather large inheritance (that we would trade to have the parent back in a heartbeat), but I’m concerned about his general lack of caring to prioritize retirement and desire to count on what we have even as he spends some of it. Any tips?

       Also, any recommendations for books out there for the objectively financially smart who fail to apply that knowledge to themselves? I’m having a hard time getting any kind of financial planner involved because DH thinks he knows as much and I believe he knows at least a lot of what they would say.

    5. Maybe talk about the risks of lifestyle inflation and that you are really happy with your lifestyle as it is and don’t want to get accustom to more and than have to cut back down the road and feel deprived if you end up a one income family for some reason. If he agrees that life is good now, maybe you can agree to a percent of the raise that can be used as his fun reward money while the rest gets socked away?

    6. I don’t have SOs like that, because they fundamentally do not share my values.

    7. This seems like he thinks what he earns is his, and what you earn is yours, and you’re on your own. That’s not really wholly the case with retirement, and it depends on whether you live in a community property state and what types of individual retirements accounts you both have. But I feel like the core of this question is that he’s being selfish–it’s “his” money, and your views don’t matter. Why don’t you get a vote? What if you would like to travel in retirement, but cannot because he wants to work until he dies? What if he gets sick or injured, and doesn’t have enough saved because he counted on making more later? Are you in this together, or just riding through life on your separate paths, together? Counseling and a really harsh fee-only financial adviser might help. Good luck.

    8. I was going to post something similar, but it applies to me. I grew up poor. I’ve had at least a 20 hour per week job since I was 14, except when I was in law school. I did not go to concerts or out to bars or to weddings when I was a student because I couldn’t afford it. My only social life involved free or very low cost things. I don’t have those great stories from college about hanging out with friends at bars and house parties because I did not have $5 to go out.

       Then I started in biglaw with $200k student loans. I am on a 10-year repayment plan, but I am not trying to pay off my loans faster than that. I have sacrificed my entire life to get where I am, and damn!t, I want to have fun with what little youth I have left. So I’m going to blow $3k to go to Coachella, and travel to ALL THE WEDDINGS, and spend $200 on my birthday dinner. And I don’t think I’m being irresponsible by actually enjoying life for the first time. The loans will get paid off. I just don’t want to wait til I’m 35 to start my life when I’m making $200k/year.

       1. I don’t think you’re being irresponsible at all! This seems like a very different situation to me. You are on an aggressive plan to pay off your debt. You’re spending what seems like a very reasonable (given big-law income) amount on experiences – which research says brings more happiness than buying items. There’s definitely a middle ground between saving every penny for retirement and paying off loans as soon as possible, and blowing it all on lots of clothing while paying the bare minimum on loans. Sounds like you found a good one.

          Not that you need an internet stranger to validate your choices – but, well, go you! :)

    9. Your SO has a very different approach to finances and lifetime goals than you. This actually needs to be faced before considering marriage, as you are. Different upbringings have a profound effect on this issue.

       Honestly? It would be a deal breaker for me. It would create too much stress/resentment for me.

       Not having the same lifetime goals was crushing for my parents. My father never wanted to retire. My mother worked hard her whole life, they saved everything, and she died waiting for my father to retire.

17. anyone else subscribe to lenny letter?

    I just was wondering, and I wanted to note, I am surprised at how much I actually kinda like it. I thought that folks here would likely enjoy it too.

    1. LOVE Lenny Letter. Even more than I thought I would!

18. Another money question. Regular poster, intentionally anon for this. I have $200k in debt, I make $100k a year, and I have a 2-year-old. I live in the burbs and currently do not have my own car. I’m looking at getting a 10-year-old car for $5k. I don’t need it for commuting, I just want the freedom. Thoughts?

    1. Can you pay cash? And could you pay cash for a slightly more expensive but newer car? 10 years, depending on the make/model/prior maintenance, may come with a lot of expensive upcoming repairs, even if you’re not driving much.

       I’m assuming that living in the burbs means you can’t take advantage of a car-share program? That would be ideal.

       Also, consider how often you would *really* use it. Would it make more sense over a 3 year period to rent a car when you want to drive somewhere?

       1. I have about $6k cash, so my budget is $5k for the car, $500 for new tires (which I assume a 10-year-old car will need), and $500 for all of the taxes and registration fees. I’ve done research on the make/model for repairs that are usually necessary and I’m comfortable with the risk. The CarFax looks great. I cannot take advantage of a car-share program. I am already renting a car when I REALLY want to drive somewhere, which runs me about $150/month, and it only gets me a car for 2-3 days. There are plenty of other times when it would be nice to have a car and I don’t spend the $150.

    2. I think this is a completely reasonable expense and budget. It’s not like you’re taking out a $30K car loan.

    3. I have a ten year old car that I paid for. And every two years it needs about $2K in repairs, and those repairs come at a really inopportune time, so I suck it up and pay instead of jettisoning the car.

       If you are going to spend $5K, get a lease. You can lease a lot of really safe cars for under $200 a month that would make your monthly nut fixed, and not variable due to repair costs. I would lease.

       1. My problem with leasing is that I can’t find a lease under $175/month, and they’re all for 36 months, and they want $3k down. That puts me darn close to $10k, which I don’t have. Yes, I can buy the $5k car outright and would not take a loan for that. If I could find a car to lease for $50/month, I would agree with you. (Feel free to call me out on flawed logic!)

          1. I paid $199 a month to lease my Civic, $0 down. I had another lease now – you can negotiate the cost down just like buying a car. Get it low enough to include the down payment and tell them you want taxes/tags included. There was an offer for a Ford Focus for like $169 at the same time I did this.

    4. a 10 year old car, unless whoever’s selling it has had some serious maintenance done on it before putting it on the market, it’s likely going to need some major repair in the first year or so, even if you get something with a 1 year warranty. I guess that might not be a huge issue if you don’t drive it often, but you may be better off leasing or getting something newer and nicer.

       Last year I said goodbye to a 12 year old car because the transmission was dying and needed to be replaced (cost would have been at least 5k), and I got a 6 year-old car but even that feels like a box of junk on wheels sometimes. I actually kind of regret the whole thing and wish I’d taken more time to find a better car, it all just felt so urgent. But I digress, be very careful about buying a used car that’s more than 5 years old.

    5. I’m going to answer your leading question here – no, it is not unreasonable to want to own a car when you live in the suburbs and have a kid! My ex father in law was a super conservative financial planner and said that every household should plan on two car payments per month in the same “necessities” category as a mortgage.

       As to the car – less than a year ago I finally had to give up my 14 year old Volvo wagon. I had planned to “drive it into the ground,” which is something people often do with Volvos. But I found that the unexpected maintenance was really wearing me down. Even if only a couple of times per year, having the car unexpectedly in the shop for a couple of days was a huge hassle and affected my work commute as well as my kids’ participation in activities.

       I think owning and older car is a great financial deal only if you are someone who knows how to and enjoys working on cars.

       I sold my old car to a young couple who were delighted to get it, and the guy of the couple tinkers on cars so he wasn’t intimidated.

       I bought a less than 1 year old dealer service vehicle (the loaner they give to those whose car is in the shop) and I love it. It has more bells and whistles than my old car so I feel very fancy in it – and I enjoy feeling fancy – and I don’t have to worry about unexpected costs for a few years as the warranty is still in effect. I decided to finance it even though I have the cash. The interest rate was really low and I like that monthly payment to keep me honest – this car really is costing me something.

       1. I would agree with this. I think it’s reasonable to want a car in OP’s circumstances and her budget is also reasonable, but I would not look to a 10 year old car if one of the primary wants is freedom given the heightened risks of unpredictable maintenance events.

          1. Also–having your car break down is even less fun if you have a kid in tow. Ask me how I know.

       2. Agree on what to buy, too – we bought a used rental car. So, comparatively high milage (~22k) but newer 1-2 years old. We did do a payment plan for awhile, yes, with interest. It’s old now, and yeah, just plan on $1500 for maintenance every 18 months or so. I call it a sacrifice to the car gods. Keep an open mind re: what to buy.

          1. Oh man…don’t ever buy a rental car. I’m in one of those every week and have never seen one treated well.

             1. Especially not one that is supposed to use premium gas or diesel. There’s no way rental users are paying for anything but the cheapest.

    6. No, no, no! Do not buy a 10-year-old car as a way to save money on a car. It will cost you a fortune in repairs, no matter how great a car it is and how well it has been maintained. Buy a brand-new modest car with high reliability ratings and a long warranty instead. It will likely be cheaper to pay $200 or $300 per month on a car loan and a few hundred a year on scheduled maintenance than to shell out a wad of cash every few months when the latest thing goes wrong.

       Anecdata: We kept a Nissan that we had originally purchased new for 14 years. In retrospect, we should have dumped the thing at least five years sooner. At that point, it was starting to have an issue every three to six months that cost at least a few hundred dollars, sometimes over $1,000, to fix.

       1. Also anecdata, but my 17-year-old Toyota Camry has never needed major repairs and costs me less than $500 a year to maintain. I do agree that there are risks to buying an older car of unknown origin, but if cars are maintained well it is possible for them to last 20+ years without being a money pit.

          1. +1. My 18-year-old Civic and 8-year-old Toyota Highlander have not been money pits. Both have just needed routine maintenance.

          2. +1. The trick I’ve learned is to seek out older vehicles who have been 1- or 2-owner cars and have low mileage. I currently drive a 1999 sedan that was purchased five years ago with 50k miles. An elderly woman bought it new and it was garage kept. Her kids convinced her to trade it in for a new car. The dealership sold it to me for just below blue book value, which wasn’t much because of the age of the car. They were happy just to get it off their lot – it probably would have headed to an auction because it’s not profitable to keep cars 5-7+ years old at a dealership, regardless of the mileage. This is the second time I’ve made a car purchase like this – first car had 65k miles and was around 12 years old. Unfortunately it was totaled in an accident. Both only needed routine maintenance with one exception of a ~$1.5k repair.

    7. Depends on the car and the mileage. I’ve got a 1997 toyota with 206k miles that barely needs anything other than your standard regular maintenance. The major expensive maintenance is the timing belt, which has to be changed I think every 60k miles. My dad’s chevy truck, on the other hand, is much newer and always seems to need something. For the right car, I think that makes sense.

       1. Though I would add, since you have a kid, I assume safety features in cars have improved in the last decade…

          1. Okay, how does everybody feel about a 2004 Honda CR-V?

             1. That’s a terrible deal. That car is not worth 5k

             2. I agree that is too much for that car.

             3. We’re not car people. Ask around. I bet you have some car people in your circle (men or women) that LOVE to give advice on this type of thing. You don’t have to take their advice when it comes to the buying, but consider it.

             4. My car people in my circle said it seems like a good enough deal for the type of driving I’ll do and the type of car it is. I need a mechanic to look at it but I was really coming here for financial advice (and the emotional encouragement regarding whether it’s reasonable).

             5. KBB ranges from ~ $4600 – $5100 on an EX 2004 CR-V with 131k miles in good condition sold by a private party. Depending on the condition, the miles, an inspection by a mechanic, how long it’s been for sale, it’s probably not a terrible deal. If it’s in great condition, low miles, 1 or 2 owners, decent service history that can be provided, I’d offer between $4000 – $4500, but would like not pay more than $4500. If it’s got high mileage, isn’t in great shape, etc., then I would pass. Also check to see if there are any recalls and make sure those have been done. I’d stick with Hondas, Toyotas and the like if you are shopping for older, used cars. I have a 2001 Nissan that is fine with 237k miles on it. It needs a new muffler, but hasn’t had any major repairs/maintenance in the 13 years I have owned it.

             6. Also, run some searches on Autotrader and Craigslist to see what other CR-Vs are being offered for in your area that are comparable. That will help give you an idea of what the market rate is.

    8. Another thing to consider with a 10 year old car is how safe is it? If you will presumably driving your kid in it, you definitely want it to be super safe, and cars that are 10 years old do not have all the safety features that newer cars (even 5 years ago) have.

    9. I think that sounds reasonable and is a much better decision financially then leasing a car or buying a brand-new car, especially with 200k in debt.

19. Applied for a job in late October, interviewed in the second week of December and haven’t heard anything. I know my references have not been contacted. This is a government employer so they closed for the last two weeks of December. When should I contact HR about what’s up? I feel like I’ve put my life on hold to apply for this job and if they don’t hire me I have some significant things to do.

    1. I’d proceed as if you didn’t get the job – don’t wait around for them.

       Also, government is slow at this time of year. Even this week people are still burning “use or lose” vacation. I’d contact HR if you haven’t heard by the 15th.

    2. Now.

20. I’m pretty sure I know the answer to this, but is it ever okay to just stop entertaining particular discussions with y our spouse? It’s about whether to go back to school or not. I think the only reason he wants to go back is because he feels like he doesn’t have enough shiny prestigious degrees and he feels insecure about it. That sort of clouds his entire thought process in the matter. He also seems to assume that grad school will do all the hard work for him. Like “it’s a good networking opportunity.” Well, he’s had plenty of such things in the past, including at a prestigious school but sort of shuns all social contact, so he didn’t benefit from it. I’m not sure he realizes that you still have to do the work. He could be networking now, but he isn’t at all.

    Anyway, he asks me for my input fairly consistently, and my thoughts on the matter haven’t really changed. He’s doing this for the wrong reasons and it’s a poorly thought out plan. I think he’s asking me for help so he can feel like he’s thinking it through when in fact he’s wallowing in his insecurity. I don’t really want to cut off this discussion, but we just go around in circles and I feel like he’s just trying to get me to say I think it’s a good idea. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of his attitude about it, and I’m not sure what else I can say that I haven’t already said. Can I just stop engaging on this, or does this make me a bad spouse?

    Fwiw, his decision doesn’t impact me much financially or otherwise for a whole host of reasons, so this really just is about him.

    1. Honestly, I think it is.

       “I feel like we’ve talked about this a lot and I’ve said everything I have to say on the subject. It’s exhausting and frustrating for me to have the same conversation over and over. I’m happy to discuss your plans in X circumstance, but I’d rather not rehash the same points.” Maybe turn it into a meta-discussion about why he keeps bringing it up/seeking your approval even after you’ve given your opinion?

       1. I’ll try that, thanks. I think part of the problem is that every time he brings it up he does think the circumstances are different somehow. He also is somehow convinced that he hasn’t heard my thoughts on the matter, which I can’t begin to understand. I’m just about the most blunt and vocal person ever. It’s very frustrating. I’m also super irritated that he’s making such a big decision based on something so stupid, but I can’t really force him to think rationally about something. This is not usually something he has a problem with.

    2. How would you respond if your best friend was doing this? Proceed accordingly.

    3. Consider asking him whether this is an issue where he wants feedback, insight, and your honest opinion. Or if he would rather have your uncritical support (which you should be able to give, on the honest terms that this won’t have a huge impact on you, and sometimes you can choose to simply to be there for a loved adult who might be making the wrong choice). He can have one or the other (honest feedback or a non-critical listening ear), but not both. And when he answers, act accordingly (even if he chooses the 2nd option). In this case, “support” doesn’t mean saying “I think you’re absolutely right!”. It means listening and providing only the kind of suggestions that help him achieve his goal, if he decides to go for it (“Oh, I heard that X has a good program in that. Have you thought about talking to Jane, who did her MBA there?”).

       I’ve had a few similar issues come up with my spouse. For what it’s worth, he went through with the plan that I didn’t like (but that wouldn’t have a ruinous impact on me). And it did turn out to be a mistake, and I’m still glad I made that choice. Because our marriage is stronger for it: I know that I also have the same freedom to pursue a project that he might not agree with, and he knows that my criticism of his future plans has something real and sensible behind it, instead of just being reactionary.

       1. Thanks for your thoughts. Would your take on this change if he expected a lot from you? Like help on application essays, access to all my networking contacts, etc? The reason this bugs me is that there are a lot of things he could do on his own (like #2) but just doesn’t for whatever reason. I have a lot going on myself and I’m not really interested in doing work for him that he should be doing himself.

          1. No, I’d be telling him something like “You can count on my support. My support means that I will be there to listen to you, to occasionally strategize or bounce ideas around, I’ll read through your application essay once before you send it in, and I’ll take over cooking duties the week that applications are due. But for the rest, this is your project, and you need to take on the rest of the work yourself. I know you can do it – I believe in you!”

             Obviously change the specifics for what you would actually be willing and able to do with a good attitude. Then draw those boundaries gently, and stick to them firmly.

    4. Yes it is OK not to engage on certain topics. In fact I’m sure it is better for your relationship.

       I’ve already put my husband on notice that I will not engage on his hypochondria (because when I do it lends it validity and makes him freak out more) and on his old car mania (because we are absolutely not getting a fourth car!)

       Doesn’t stop him from trying. Doesn’t stop me from ignoring him.

       We’ve been married 16 years. You really do have to choose your battles as they say.

21. Has anyone bought clothing from Stylewe? Checking out the website and the dresses seem nice, but don’t know about the quality.
    Thanks

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