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This is a post about working through your first trimester of pregnancy, which can be particularly trying — extreme fatigue, nausea, and all while trying to keep your “situation” on the QT in case of miscarriage.
But I suppose I should make a mini-announcement regarding some personal news in Katland. First, some hints: I'm on my third bra size since December. I haven't enjoyed a martini, or deli meats, or zippers, in a long, long time. Lately, I'm having trouble falling asleep because someone keeps kicking me. The news, if you're not with me yet: My husband and I are expecting our first child later this summer. Why yes, we are terrified; thanks for asking.
{related: check out all of our pregnancy discussions here and on CorporetteMoms!}
One of the things I've been dying to talk about since becoming pregnant is the first trimester,* and the complete, mind-blowing fatigue that most women suffer.
I would have considered myself a trooper when it comes to energy and the job — I've worked through mono and two bouts of strep throat without missing more than a day of work. But apparently mono and strep can't shake a stick at the whole “growing another human” thing.
It became incredibly difficult to get up and out the door in the morning — and by 3 PM every day I needed a nap. And not a 20-minute power nap, oh no: we're talking at least a full 90-minute sleep cycle. I kept thinking about that Sheryl Sandberg talk for TED about how women, upon getting pregnant, should ramp up their career and go 120 miles per hour. NOW??? I kept thinking. Is she CRAZY?
This fatigue caught me totally by surprise. After all, a lot of women don't talk about their pregnancies in their first trimester — the chance for miscarriage is highest then, and there aren't many external physical indicators of early pregnancy (most first-time moms don't start to show until around week 20).
Our latest favorite maternity dresses for the office in 2024 include dresses from Seraphine, LaClef, Kimi and Kai, Hatch Maternity, Isabella Oliver, and Quince. (Also: check out this new indie maternity workwear brand!) Some of our latest favorites are below:
A poll of my friends who have children or are pregnant confirmed it — everyone was exhausted during their first trimester, and every pregnancy book mentioned it. One friend, who was finishing up her final MBA year when she got pregnant, admitted that she slept 14 hours a day.
A few friends told me their miscarriage stories, where after going through nearly a full trimester full of fatigue they lost the baby, and in addition to having to deal quietly with the mental and physical repercussions of losing a baby (including surgery, sometimes), they had to get the energy up to try again.
(One friend noted that between her first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage, and her second pregnancy, which she carried to term, her billable hours were shot for the year — and when she took her maternity leave they simply doubled the hours she had before she left. Ouch.) Another friend was cursed with such a bad case of nausea that she had to be medicated for it.
So I thought we'd talk about how to deal with the first trimester — keeping your energy up, rising to the occasion, and even maintaining your professional image through it all.
Before we get into the tips, though, here's an interesting thing to ponder (and perhaps you ladies will weigh in): does it hurt us to talk about the hardships of pregnancy? By admitting that pregnancy affects our stamina and energy, is it simply justifying all those people who discriminate against women employees in their fertile years?
I'm almost ashamed to say the thought hadn't occurred to me — and I've even been joking (at work, yes, and yes, my face is beet red) about pregnancy brain. One boss/mentor/friend heard me and gave me a sound rebuke (and a lecture on what it was like to be pregnant in a male-dominated environment in the late '70s), and I think the lesson here is right: pregnancy should never be an excuse for why you can't get something done at the office, or why the ts aren't crossed.
But that may just mean you have to step up your OWN game even more — because while in the third trimester, when you're showing and on your way out, people may cut you slack (whether they should or not): but in your first trimester it is largely a silent struggle.
Some of the best books for working mothers include:
How to Work Through Your First Trimester of Pregnancy
For my own $.02, these are the things I wish I'd known:
Wean yourself off coffee and diet Coke way before you start trying to get pregnant. The latest thinking re: pregnancy is that you are allowed to drink coffee, but only about a cup of it a day. Artificial sweeteners aren't recommended, so diet Coke is off the list also. Before I got pregnant, I only drank about 2 or 3 cups in the morning, and then a diet Coke around lunchtime for an afternoon jolt — but decreasing to 1 cup a day and no diet Coke meant I was going through caffeine withdrawal at the same time as first trimester fatigue.
(I should also mention that your tastebuds may change, as mine did — all coffee tasted totally burnt to me for about 4 weeks, and regular Coke continues to gross me out.)
Stock up on orange juice, and cut your dependency on vitamin supplements. I kept reading that pregnant women should avoid vitamin supplements during this time (beyond your prenatals) and so I have avoided my beloved Emergen-C. Instead I kept buying OJ when I needed a jolt of energy.
Take your prenatals at night instead of in the morning. I've heard it's the extra iron in the prenatals that makes you nauseous on an empty stomach — but whatever it was, I wish I'd stumbled on the advice to take them at night instead of in the morning long before I did.
Prepare your office for naps. Yes, seriously. Bring in whatever you need to make for a comfortable napping environment — pillows, blankets, etc., because you WILL need naps to make it even to 6pm (let alone 10 pm or whatever other quitting time is usual for you).
Eat frequently, and guzzle water. It took me a few weeks to realize that the nausea was so much worse if I hadn't eaten for a few hours — I also would get these whanging headaches if I hadn't eaten. Just a few unsalted Saltines and some cheese can help you function normally.
My final advice to women embarking on pregnancy is to time it well. The first trimester can be 6-8 weeks of feeling far, far less than your best, and I can think of a number of times in my own life when it would have been disastrous to be going through the first trimester: the first semester of law school, being a summer associate, crunchtime studying for the bar, and trial prep. So nail down your birth control methods during those time periods, ladies.
For those of you who've been pregnant, did your first trimester affect your energy, and how did you compensate for it at work? What tips do you have for the readers who hope to get pregnant some day — what's your best advice on working through your first trimester of pregnancy?
* Oh, and some terminology for those not familiar with the joys of pregnancy: your pregnancy is counted from the first day of your last period, not the day you conceive, which means that by the time most women find out they're pregnant they're already “4-6 weeks pregnant.” The first trimester ends around week 13–so we're really only talking about 6-8 weeks of extreme fatigue. Still: I've known careers to rise or fall in that time, so I think it is a relevant discussion for this blog.
Social media picture via Fotolia / vladimirfloyd.
Monday
Ohhh! Readers totally called it a few weeks back, with you posting the various generously cut tops and the diaper bag. Congrats, Kat. We are all with you!
Kady
Congrats Kat. Love this comment.
fresh jd
Yeah, but I didn’t actually buy into the hype! Joke’s on me. Hooray for Kat!
JK
Congrats to all,
I just wanted to say that it’s not that easy to work with women too. I realized that people kept talking about how hard it is getting pregnant in a male envirolment but trust me I worked with women only and the experiency isn’t that different from the males one.
R.S.
Wonderful news! Congratulations, Kat, and to all the readers who are expecting right now!
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations Kat!
Valerie @ City|Life|Eats
Congratulations :)
Lyssa
Congratulations! Wonderful news!
On the topic at hand, though, I’ve never been pg, but I’ve noticed that when I’m tired, I cannot stay on task- I constantly think of things that I *have* to check, get distracted, stare off into space, decide to check Corporette for the tenth time an hour, etc. I assume that first trimester pregnancy would be like this times 10. Any tips for dealing with it?
I’d also love to hear general tips about dealing with it and planning in a very small office (of the sort where duties can’t necessarily be re-distributed) and in a male dominated office (or an office where everyone else is in grandparent territory, age-wise).
Anonymous
Hello, Kat! I’ve been following your blog for a while now and just wanted to say congratulations and thank you for the all the tips!
Anonymous
Congrats! Such an exciting time!
I have three children – the oldest is 4, so I know a little bit about being pregnant these days. The first tri is really tiring. Additionally, hormones can make you emotional. I found myself crying because I was tired and emotional. I’m not one who cries easily.
I do not have anything to add about what I would have liked to have known. However, my best advice is to relax and try to enjoy it as much as possible. I don’t particularly enjoy being pregnant, but I loved feeling my babies moving. Also, try to let things go because, honestly, that is one of the challenges you are going to have to figure out once the baby comes. It is very difficult to balance it all unless you are willing to let some things go for a while. Good luck!
Erin
“Also, try to let things go because, honestly, that is one of the challenges you are going to have to figure out once the baby comes. It is very difficult to balance it all unless you are willing to let some things go for a while. ”
Ditto this! Some of the best advice I received (actually before I was even considering pregnancy) was that if you choose to be a working mom, you have to accept that you’ll never be a perfect employee or a perfect mom. Seeme like odd advice until I was in the position.
Clerky
CONGRATS Kat! That’s so exciting and wonderful. We all wish you a very healthy and happy pregnancy!
CW
Congratulations! So exciting.
North Shore
Congratulations, Kat! Great news.
Lydia
Congrats!!!
p
Congrats Kat!!
W
Congratulations!! What wonderful news!
Selfishly, I hope you will think about sharing more about your pregnancy and even the reasons you decided to start having children now, if not too personal. I think one of the major issues for the younger corporette-ers are decisions about when to have a family. I’d love some advice from you or the community on this topic!
b23
Agreed! Congratulations, Kat. We wish you all the best. I would really like to hear more about how to make choices like this to coincide well with your career. Someone recently told me your 5th year is the best time to have a baby — established enough in your career to have a good reputation and far enough away from being up for partner. Do you agree?
Also, I can’t believe you were able to keep it a secret for so long!!! And I hope you write some extra blog posts that can go up while you are on maternity leave. I don’t think I could last that long without my daily Corporette fix! :)
L
I had my first during 5th year, but was canned when 8 months pregnant. This was in biglaw. I did get a settlement from them which allowed me to take a 6 months paid maternity leave.
Lyssa
I’d love to hear that, too- I know that it’s personal, but it’s something that I’ve always wished that more people talked openly about. Since it’s been on my mind a lot lately, I’ll share mine thoughts-
I married young, while I was still in college, and there was certainly no hurry- we figured I’d finish school, we’d get to where we were in a good financial place, have a few years together just ourselves, and think about it in about five years or so. Well, those five years kept going- we celebrate our 10th aniversary next month. Oh, and, brilliant me decided that it would be a good idea to go to law school in between (as Kat alluded, I have no idea how a person could handle a pregnancy, or early childcare, during LS! I’m sure that I would have dropped out had I gotten so, at least in the first year.)
Anyhow, now I’m 31 and 2 years out of school. As you may have heard, some sort of bad economic stuff happened a few years back, so my career has not been nearly as quick to develop as was anticipated. (On the plus side, the first of my years out was a clerkship, but that still held back actual career growth.) Hubby and I have always planned to have him be a stay at home dad, so we’ve been holding back while we try to get to where I can support us. (note- I know from prior experience that a lot of commenters don’t agree with this plan. I don’t really care and this is not the place to discuss it.)
I just started a new job that I hope will earn the kind of money I’ve been seeking, so (here’s hoping), we’re starting to think about it again, depending on how things play out, money wise and when I feel like I’ve been at my job long enough. Another tough issue is that we’re pretty, I don’t know, each other dependant, so we’re hesitant to disturb that. We’ve discussed the idea of giving up our Saturdays sleeping in and hanging out, and it’s hard to think about. So, in other words, we’ll see how it plays out, but this is the thought process right now.
Kady
I had 2 kids during LS, and it was totally the right decision for me. My school was flexible, and let me take 4 years to complete, so I had lighter loads during the semesters that I was due. I also was able to use my school’s on-campus child care program (many large schools have subsidized day care for students and faculty – the waitlists are long, but worth getting on) which made the juggling much easier.
I also think having young kids during LS is much easier than trying to do the same as an associate. If your kid’s sick and can’t be sent to daycare, it’s just a missed day of classes in LS, where basically no one notices, compared with angry bosses and resentful colleagues in a law firm. Plus, there was the bonus of having summer breaks for gestation (again, extending LS meant I was able to take a summer off from doing an internship).
anon
I think kids can fit in at any point in a woman’s career trajectory; there are just different pros and cons at each stage. Having them early on can work well in that you have fewer responsibilities at work and others can more easily substitute for you than will be the case later. I was able to take a six month maternity leave almost undisturbed after my first child was born. Having them later can also work well in that there may be less risk of losing ground professionally once you are more firmly established, and you may be better able to afford the quality childcare you will need in order to keep working.
The frustrating thing, too, is that you can’t wait forever. I had no problem getting pregnant at 30, but then couldn’t conceive when I wanted to 5 years later, miscarried, and ultimately used assisted methods to have a second child.
Anonymous
Lyssa, I don’t know who’s said your plan’s not good, but I disagree. If your career isn’t where you want it to be and you’re not making the $$ yet, I’d encourage you to lean even harder into that plan. Tighten everyone’s belt for a year or two, make sure hubby is taking all childcare and homemaker responsibilities whether he’s working or not, and go all out at work.
This advice comes from the single mother of an 8-yr-old boy. I love him dearly, but have recently become more and more aware of how decisions when he was young that I thought were small and temporary have had lasting impacts on my career, including my earning potential.
Kiss your babies every morning and evening, and in-between, knock yourself out. Figure out the sweetest part of your weekends and preserve that, but you might find some time to squeeze in work too. Just one anon stranger’s ideas of what might work.
LawChick
You just described my situation, except married almost 6 years (right after college) and worked for a few years before law school and have been finished with law school for almost one year. And I am turning 30 this year. My internal clock is ticking, but I don’t think my career is in a place to have a child.
ARS
I know this is a late reply, but I want to add that when considering the option to add children to a family, people always focus on what they will give up. This is natural, and I did this as well. You have what you know, and parenthood presents a scary unkown. All you know is what you see your friends give up. However, I never knew all the things I would gain as a parent. Yes, you give up sleep. But, you gain some very precious times with your children in those early morning/late night hours. Yes, you give up exotic trips with your spouse. But, you gain the privilege of seeing everything through a child’s eye. The beach for the first time is magical. The first snow makes their month. I will also add, one of the most amazing things I have seen my husband do during our marriage is parent our little girl. We don’t have as much alone time together, certainly, but we still have plenty of alone time, and the time we share with our daughter is special in a bigger way than I ever thought possible.
Being a parent is not for everyone, but don’t spend too much time focusing on the things in your life you will give up. They will be replaced with some pretty special times.
Anonymous
Obviously, the best time to have a child is a very personal choice. However, I will share my reasons. I met my husband when I was 25 and had 2 years of school left. We got married when I was 28 and had been working a year. I wanted to have kids soon. I worried about infertility and that was exacerbated by the fact that my husband’s older sister was struggling with it at the time (has since adopted). I also am impatient, and when I want something I don’t like to wait! We were also ready though. We were done with school, had decent jobs, and were financially in a good position. So, we had our first child days before my 30 birthday. I’m not yet 35, and we now have 3 children: 4, 2 and 1/2 year old!
When I see some of my friends who have decided to wait, or are still waiting, I sometimes reflect on the benefits of waiting. Some of my friends travel a lot and go to these amazing, exotic places. While I did that before having kids, certainly we would have traveled to some more amazing places had we not had children. It would have been fun to enjoy more experiences and time to ourselves.
Still, I don’t regret it for a second. I am looking forward to enjoying some amazing places with my children, and we already do (although not quite as exotic!) I actually really like not focusing on myself so much. It gives me a lot of perspective. I would like to sleep more, but that’s just a trade-off when you have children. Also, in a lot of ways having children hasn’t been as big a change for us as it is for others. My husband and I are homebodies. Our idea of a great weekend is cooking meals together and then working in our yard. We did have to give up our nightly walks once our oldest had a regular bed time (at about 6 mos for us), but we aren’t terribly social and we don’t mind being tied to the house. I see this as a major stress for other couples.
As far as my career, I went part-time when I had my oldest. I’m an attorney at a large regional firm not on either coast. So, I work ~35-45 hours a week at part-time. My career has definitely taken a hit and the economy isn’t helping. Although I wish my career hadn’t been adversely affected, I wouldn’t make any different choices. I was ready to have children, so I had them, and I have made it work with my career. The people I work with day-to-day respect me, but the number crunchers…not so much, and the number crunchers are the ones who will decide whether I make partner. At this point, partner won’t happen unless I go full-time or the economy gets better. Honestly, I don’t know when I will go full-time, I don’t know how people do it (keep in mind that I’m up at least once a night and often twice, so my perspective may be skewed these days! My 6 mo. old is NOT a good sleeper!) Also, if I started having children now, I don’t think my firm would be receptive to a part-time schedule, but it works for me!
ProfessionGal
First – congratulations, Kat!
I’ve never been pregnant, but my immediate boss is very close to having her baby. I can’t imagine how tiring it must be, but I know from friends how exhausting it really is, which is why we were amazed by how energetic my boss remained. Not kidding- she exercised regularly (e.g. running and even pushups to a safe limit, of course), and I swear to you she was always the first person in the office and the last one out. I was more tired after our two hour meeting than she was after months of developing a human being! (Talk about a daily motivator to up my game!)
Yes, she is unbelievable. Apparently, there’s hope for the rest of us…
Really enjoyed this post!
AT
Congratulations! I’m not pregnant and don’t plan (or hope) to be for a few more years, but I love this blog, your posts, and this commenting community, so I’m really looking forward to being a observer to your pregnancy, so to speak!
Also, is it weird that as a single woman with no kids and no loud ticking bio-clock some of my favorite blogs and websites are what would be deemed mommyblogs? Maybe I’m just storing away the info for future use/reference…
Rachel
I must be weird too. I have no desire to actually have children myself but have been constantly reading mommy blogs and thinking about nursery designs.
Congrats, Kat!
Kaye
I’m exactly the same way. I think of it as research :) Though the idea of having kids still terrifies me, and actually doesn’t excite me in any way.
Johanna_D
Second that. I feel uncomfortable around children, but I don’t mind hearing stories or reading about raising children. I even enjoy watching Supernanny on TV; I think it is very eye opening.
Anonymous
Hi I am a clinical psychologist (go ahead and eye roll – it’s fine, I’m used to it ) but regardless of believing you don’t want kids, all of the above ladies, I hate to be the one to break it to you but you all in fact DO want kids. Actually I would venture to say you all REALLY want kids but are freaked out or in denial or pretty much defending yourself against the possibility that you might not be able to have kids for some reason or another (which is easier to tHink about if you convince yourself you never wanted any anyway). So whatever it is, money, men, childhood experiences, control issues, you name it- don’t let it get in the way of what you really want- even if you are terrified now, it’s not so terrifying once you are in it- just the same as every other challenge you have taken on and made it through. Good luck you can do it. Xo
Anonymous
P.s. I know my post is, oh about 3 years after these posts- but for future freaked out mommas (or if these ladies above happen to recheck old posts for some reason) maybe my words of wisdom will make a difference to someone out there. Xo
****peace and love and all that sh*t****
KOB
Congrats!
I was never even remotely tired my first trimester, and I think it’s because I didn’t change my caffeine routine at all. (I was even able to run the marathon I signed up to do — and PRed — around 7 weeks.) I talked it over with my doctor, and if you have a low-risk pregnancy, there’s really no need to change up the caffeine if it’s under 300 mg a day. I have not heard anything about artificial sweetners being a problem and probably would have been very unpleasant sans soda! So I was able to drink a huge cup of coffee (or two) in the morning and down a few diet cokes throughout the day to keep me awake and happy.
What I will continue to do for my subsequent pregnancies is keep up and maybe even up the coffee/soda during the first trimester and beyond. I had a cake walk pregnancy — no fatigue, ran all the way through it, and had absolutely no morning sickness. These things are unpredictable, but I definitely think lots of caffeine and lots of exercise helped keep me awake.
I also think that some books/blogs/websites tend to overreact about pregnancy recommendations. My brother is an OB and has said that there are not a lot of really great evidence-based studies regarding the caffeine during pregnancy He said there is one a lot of people point to, but it did not control for any risk factors and has been used as more of a scare tactic than really good clinical information. Obviously talk to your doctor and do what you want within your own comfort zone, but I felt very comfortable making minimal changes to my lifestyle and diet during pregnancy.
Kady
KOB – me too! I’ve never been a big caffeine consumer and so I just kept up w/ my routine through my 2 pregnancies. Since fatigue was my biggest biggest problem during my first trimesters, being able to have a little s’mthing-s’mthing at those moments was priceless.
Daisys
I’m not sure that keeping up your caffeine intake is the only reason your energy level remained consistent. Everyone and each pregnancy are different, but I didn’t have caffeine for a good 6 months before getting pregnant (because I was trying to conceive) and I still was completely zapped during the first trimester of my first pregnancy (taking 1.5-2 hr naps when I got home from work around 5:30-6pm) and my second pregnancy energy levels for the 1st tri weren’t much better (out for the evening by 8:30pm).
Anyway, CONGRATS KAT!!
KOB
I totally agree with you — but maybe you wouldn’t have been as tired if you had a few cups of coffee. Who knows. All I know is that I felt great after a good run and a cup of coffee during my entire pregnancy. I’m sure, however, that karma will bite me in the ass and I’ll be non-functionally exhausted no matter what if I ever get pregnant again. :)
Erin
While I agree with you that moderate caffeine is probably safe in pregnancy, I disagree that pregnancy-related fatigue is just an illusion caused by caffeine withdrawal. I’ve never been a caffeine user (I don’t care for the feeling) and was completely exhausted while pregnant. No like a “wow, I really could have used another hour or two last night” but “help me, I’ve been drugged.” One morning, my husband had to literally dress me because I was so limp. My grandmother, on the other hand, swore that she had MORE energy during her seven pregnancies than any other time. Go figure.
PS – I do hope that you’d feel as well with your next, though!
kz
sometimes I see all the things pregnant women aren’t supposed to do/eat/drink, reflect on what life has been like up until recent decades (I’m watching mad men recently and don’s wife is drinking and smoking while pregnant), and think it’s a wonder the human race has made it this far.
TheOtherCoast
I was clerking when I got pregnant and so my job was not as taxing as it was when I was in BigLaw prior to that. I was still exhausted, though. I switched from coffee to tea, and had only one cup in the morning. It gave me some energy and had the bonus of not upsetting my stomach further. Another first-trimester problem that no one likes to talk about is bloat– I had some of the worst stomachaches EVER and there were times I thought I was going to die, but had to keep acting like I was enjoying my lunch and could stand up straight. I quickly learned to keep Gas-X on hand and to take it as soon as I felt a stomachache coming on. And I’m not talking about the passing of gas– I’m talking about the pressure build-up on your insides. It is killer. Fortunately that lessened in the second and third trimesters. Eating frequently also helped with the nausea. I was lucky in that I could go to bed early and didn’t have to bill 2300 hours a year. But even going to bed early doesn’t make you less exhausted– it just cures it for the time you are sleeping, kwim?
JenK
Your last line is so on-target it’s funny!
SF Bay Associate
Congratulations, Kat and husband!
Anonymous
Congratulations! I’m thrilled for you.
Your post brought be back in time six years, when I was working during my first trimester carrying my daughter. As my pregnancy was an unplanned blessing (which I realized after sobbing for a week), and I’m a bit of a health nut, I cut out coffee cold turkey and it was HARD! Not only was I exhausted, but I had withdrawal headaches on top of morning sickness. Slowly weaning oneself off of coffee would be an excellent idea.
One of the best things I did during my first trimester was to confide in my boss on a business trip. I was dizzy in addition to being exhausted, and I felt like she would have thought I was morbidly ill if I didn’t disclose my condition. Fortunately for me, she was gracious and being a mom herself, gave me some wonderful advice regarding morning sickness that I pass along as often as I can. It was that moment that brought our relationship from that of cordial boss and employee to friends. Years later, we still stay in touch and swap war stories about our field and parenthood.
But the advice! Very important. She told me — and it’s true — that ginger is the best anti-nausea agent readily available. Sure, there’s ginger ale, but there are also more potent ginger brews (available at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s), ginger candies, crystallized ginger, and even fresh ginger (great in a hot cup of water with honey). In fact, according to my former boss, ginger has been proven to be as effective for sea sickness as dramamine. This advice got me through my first trimester, helps the nausea I now experience with Crohn’s disease, and is even a good & safe remedy for my daughter’s upset bellies.
Wishing you health for your final months of pregnancy & a peaceful and easy birth.
JenK
It’s old advice, but still true–keeping crackers by your bed to nibble before you get up can help combat nausea.
Diana Barry
I didn’t have much luck with ginger – real food helped me more than anything.
karenpadi
I’ve never been pregnant but I’ll second ginger as being incredible for nausea, motion sickness, and dizziness. Mythbusters did a show on motion sickness and found it was the best for “true” sufferers (but n=3 so it wasn’t horribly scientific).
I like ginger tea (available at most grocery stores).
Oneanon
Also never been pregnant and I second ginger. I get terribly boat sick and powdered ginger drink mix plus ginger chew candies got me through the one hour speeding and ROUGH boat ride out to the Great Barrier Reef feeling just great.
The best ginger drink mixes I’ve found are in the Asian sections of your grocery store (or in an Asian grocery store) – I wasn’t worried about ingredients since I wasn’t pregnant at the time, but it might be worth it to find someone to double check the ingredient list for you if you can’t speak the language to make sure there aren’t any ingredients that are iffy for mamas-to-be.
JenK
Not every woman reacts the same way to pregnancy, and not every pregnancy is the same. The first time I was pregnant, at 18, I was tired during the first trimester, but nowhere near the exhausted state I lived through when I was 36. I couldn’t tell anyone the second time around, and a colleague was really concerned when she caught me on the floor of my office, napping.
I wish I had some advice, but all I can say is that my mom was right–saving up anything, or letting yourself get out of shape, because you can do it or work out more easily once you’re no longer with child is pure foolishness (unless you give the babe up for adoption, as I did at 18). Honestly, the tiredness you feel now (I hate to be the bearer of bad news) is just prep for the interrupted sleep/lack of REM tired that you will be in a few months. For me, the tiredness during the first few months, especially when he was doing a lot of nursing, felt like the kind of tired I’d get when I did very intense 60-90 min heavy weight-lifting routines in the gym with friends who competed as a bodybuilder and a bench-press lifter.
But they’re right. It is the toughest job you’ll ever love. My little man (he’s 8) just interrupted me to show how he’d cleaned his whole room and made it into “Dance Zone”. Totally worth it!
Lyssa
Dance zone! Ha! I love it!
JenK
;)
Mel
So true about the exhaustion during first tri versus the exhaustion after the baby is born. There is no comparison. It’s been 7 months now since my baby was born and I still haven’t gotten an 8 hour stretch of sleep. I think we just learn to live “tired” after a while, if that makes sense.
JenK
Related to Mel’s comment–I learned how to categorize work according to how tired I could be while doing it. Even exhausted, I could format citations, but any original thinking had to be done while I was as close to “fresh” as I could get.
Anon
This is very true. But one thing that has been helping me get through it the second time around (and this is true for the miserable pregnancy I had both times) is that “this too shall pass”
The pregnancy and the sleeplessness (and all that other stuff) is such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. But the amazing-ness (I know, not a word, but kids are just indescribable) that my kids bring to my life is so worth it.
Road Warriorette
Hooray!! Congratulations Kat. Happy and healthy nine months!! (or four or whatever you have left :) )
maine susan
Congrats, Kat. Was pregnant in the early 80’s, no morning sickness, could not stand the smell of coffee but the exhaustion was so overwhelming that I thought I had some kind of cancer and was dying. I’d never heard of exhaustion as a symptom of pregnancy and it started before I’d missed my first period. What a relief to discover it was pregnancy and would disappear in the second trimester.
Cynthia
Congratulations….
Dorcas
Dear Kate,
This post has been amazing just being able to know what is happening to you is the most important. This was my second child after 14 years and to say the truth I had not experienced anything like this during my first pregnancy. I feel reassured and able to cope with the nausea sleep and all mixed feelings
Diana Barry
Congrats, Kat!!!! :)
I bought so many bras while I was pregnant. I have sizes from 34A up to 38F!
I napped on my office floor. Not often, but a few times. I also went home early whenever I could, also not often.
One thing – if you get sick to your stomach, you may not have time to run to the bathroom before you are sick. I kept extra plastic bags in my office for this, bagged it up, then took the trash out to the office kitchen or bathroom. Not great, but better than getting sick in the hall.
I didn’t tell anyone at work before 13 weeks, but it was very hard. Had I been sicker, I would have told at least my boss. Don’t be afraid to press your dr for drugs – in retrospect I should have tried different anti-nausea drugs instead of just suffering through it!
Anon
Related threadjack – Can anyone recommend websites/books about planning to have kids & finances? Thanks!
Paige
You might try NPR’s website. Driving home from work a couple of months ago I heard an interview they did with a man who wrote a book and/or gives lectures on that very topic.
Mel
Congrats Kat!
First tri is tough for sure. I had the extreme fatigue and crippling headache combo. I think the trick is just to try your best to act like you are fine when people are looking. Unless your work significantly suffers, no one will really notice if you take a few power naps in your office. Hopefully your co-workers are too busy to pay attention to everything you do.
The toughest part for me were the clothes. I showed very early (whether it was baby or bloat didn’t really matter – the result was the same). Maternity clothes are too big in first tri but my normal clothes either would not fit or made it obvious something was up. I suggest a transition wardrobe with some loose fitting cardigans, some empire waist tops and dresses, and a bella band for your pants. You will want all of this stuff post-partum anyway, so it’s not as much of a waste of money as it seems.
Anonymous
Yes, I had a transition wardrobe too, and it’s useful for after baby comes too, when the maternity clothes might still fit (sad but true) but you’re sick to death of them, or the season’s changing.
B
With a now 5-month old, I wish I had bought more of a transition wardrobe for the first/early second trimester. I had to buy a whole wardrobe for coming back to work when the baby was 3 months, and I could have worn a lot of what I bought for post-pregnancy during that early pregnancy stage. Especially when you consider that both were about the same season. I am just now starting to be able to fit back into some of my old clothes, at least the bottoms and really loose tops, but since I’m nursing/pumping, I am still relegated only to the new tops I bought. If you lose weight easily and use formula, you could probably be back in most of your regular clothes by 3 months, but I don’t fit into either of those categories.
Ru
Congratulations Kat!
anon
I felt pretty much fine throughout both of my two pregnancies — mild nausea and moodiness in the first trimester, but nothing that disrupted my routine. Some people do have severe symptoms (so it’s best to consider that possibility), but it’s not a given.
Coach Laura
Congrats Kat! Yes, those of us who’ve seen the pregnancy early-stage dance had you pegged last month. It’s so exciting though and a great time to take your blog business to the next level.
I was pregnant in the early 90s and it was trickier then, as there was less business casual and fashion-wise harder to hide. I remember taking a busines trip to Oklahoma City and the guys all wanted to go to a steakhouse. For some reason, I was off red meat both times in the first trimester and wanted chicken or fish. But no… this place had nothing but beef and no vegatarian entrees. I ended up having a salad and french fries while ignoring the burger on my plate and turning green.
Some tips: Nap in your car if you don’t have a sofa in your office. Some larger companies have lacation rooms that might do in a pinch.
Eating several small meals helps. I would have snacks of string cheese and apple or peanut butter and apple at 10 a.m. and a protein bar at 3.
I swam during both pregnancies and at the end the pool would be the only thing that would keep my ankles from swelling in a painful way: The water pressure helps force out the fluids. Swimming is a great pregnancy exercise.
My oldest turned 20 today so memory is dimming…maybe I’ll think of more later.
Julie O
Congrats! I am now 34 weeks and am looking forward to baby boy #2 in July. I would offer a couple of suggestions:
1. stay in your regular clothes as long as possible. bella bands, rubber bands, skirts and jackets that can help hide the “pooch” are good options. you will look “chubby” far longer than you will look pregnant.
2. especially in your first trimester, eat before your feet hit the floor. i kept a stash of granola bars, saltines, and hard candy bedside. i avoided almost all morning sickness by eating before i got out of bed.
3. adjust your schedule. if this means coming in at 9 instead of 7 and working later, do it. whatever it takes. once that baby gets here, your time is so much more precious.
4. if you plan on nursing, buy those third trimester bras as nursing bras. get ones without wires and that you can still wear comfortably to work.
Great post – looking forward to seeing more of your maternity advice!!
Anon
On point number 1 — just be careful — i wore some of my favorite suits and pants until there was no way to wear them anymore, and now they are stretched out :(
Same with my most comfortable flats.
B
I disagree on the bras. The size I was wearing in the 3rd trimester may be similar in cup size to what I wear now for nursing, but my rib cage went back down in size dramatically. I bought one nursing bra right after I had the baby (used primarily nursing tanks while on maternity leave), and by the time the baby was about 2 months old that bra didn’t really fit any more because the band was way too big. No bras I wore while pregnant fit now.
AEK
Kat, congratulations! Enjoy the ride.
Francie Nolan
Congrats Kat!!!!
Cassie
Congratulations, first of all! May you and your husband enjoy the wee one that’s on the way, and may that wee one get here safely.
Second: My mother didn’t quit caffeine. This was back in the 80s, and she also didn’t have any prenatal ultrasounds. I was either smallish-for-dates or slightly premature, depending on who counted correctly, but twenty-five years later that hasn’t left me nearly as damaged as what I’ve done to myself. Was I just lucky? Is this the big deal the Internet says it is?
Jess
Congrats, Kat! The fatigue will come back in the last month or so of pregnancy. I’m 36 weeks and counting the days I have left of work (11 more days!).
I also was exhausted in the first tri but felt like a million bucks until about 30 weeks. I could not look at coffee until about week 14 but have drank a cup or 2 in the morning since. Still, I’m slowing down with the extra weight and the heat.
I am so looking forward to reading CorporetteMoms while I am on leave and having a place to discuss all of the issues that have been on my mind during the pregnancy (part-time v. full-time or not at all; childcare; career…).
Jess
JenM
Congratulations!!!
I’m not in law, but I have two kiddos. The first came when I was working in marketing. I had horrible morning sickness, but dragged myself into the office every day. I had no help and lots of big campaigns. I often came in early (6 a.m. when everyone started at 8) and left late (8 p.m. when people left at 5) because it took me that much longer to get work done. I was drained throughout my whole pregnancy, not able to take as good of care of myself as I should, etc. After baby came, I requested a change in position. I could have continued what I was doing, but I didn’t want to. I was much happier after the switch.
With #2 I was in a different job. SO MUCH BETTER!!! Less m/s (although, whenever I’d hear someone cough I would gag), more energy even though I was chasing a toddler around. But, the job was also “easier” so I could come in and leave at normal times. I also “knew” what to expect, so I had snacks/drinks with me at all times. I knew my limits and what I was prepared to do or not do and I really didn’t care what others thought. I was healthier with the second pregnancy.
For those thinking about children – there is no “good” time. Two months after my first was born, my husband lost his job. Seven days after my second was born, my company’s annual meeting was held in Las Vegas (I didn’t go but did do all the planning for it). If you wait for the perfect time, you’ll never have kids.
Know your body or at least set limits to what you can do. Maybe you feel fine and can keep your similar hours. But, for your metal health draw a line and don’t work past XX time at least one day a week (be it Friday or whatever).
ASK FOR HELP WHEN NEEDED!!! I didn’t do that with my first because I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I was miserable because of it. I also compared myself to other moms who did my job; that was a huge mistake. Everyone is different. I don’t care if you juggled twice the workload, had a 3 hour commute or whatever – this is me and I need help.
Oneanon
I think we should all apply JenM’s wisdom…
“Everyone is different. I don’t care if you juggled twice the workload, had a 3 hour commute or whatever – this is me and I need help.”
…to pretty much everything in life. Pregnancy, post-pregnancy, weight-loss, weight-gain, balancing family/work, balancing personal issues/work, just managing workload, etc. Asking for help plus knowing other people will be compassionate = awesome.
Fashion Faux Pas
Congrats, Kat!
On a clostely related topic, does anybody have any tips for dealing with fatigue caused by anemia during pregnancy? I’m almost six months pregnant and still suffering from killer fatigue and massive difficulty concentrating, which, according to my doctor, are due to my anemia. I’ve followed her iron supplementation instructions (78 mg per day, plus eating lots of iron-rich foods), including taking vitamin C with the iron, but the anemia hasn’t improved. I didn’t use caffeine before pregnancy, and haven’t started, have kept up with my daily workout routine, get 8 hours of sleep on most work nights and at least 10 hours on weekend nights, and eat well, but my energy level is positively pathetic and it’s killing my billables.
JenK
I still struggle with anemia. One small tip that actually helps is to use iron cooking vessels. Really. I can feel the difference. Otherwise, I wish I knew. I just want to curl up in a ball & sleep “for a little while” but it goes on all day, day after day. My heartrate is also too low. Don’t know if that’s related, but they occur together. I’d love to hear other peoples experiences/advice.
Fashion Faux Pas
Thanks– time for me to eat more stirfry since we have a cast iron wok.
Cecelia Celiac
Anyone with anemia that is not helped by supplements plus diet should be checked for celiac disease, the affects of which inhibit absorption of nutrients and vitamins by- specifically – the villi in the intestines.
JenK
My sister was dx’ed with Celiac last fall. Sounds like I should get checked too. Thanks for bringing it up!
Cecelia Celiac
Oh, yes! That goes double if a blood-relative has celiac as it is hereditary.
CFC
Many women have fatigue through the entire pregnancy, especially if you are over 30. I did for both my pregnancies. No cure that I’m aware of other that giving birth.
Karen
Taking iron supplements or eating iron rich foods with OJ, or other vitamin C foods helps increase absorption.
workingmomma
Why can’t we live in a world where people DO “cut you some slack” for being pregnant? Let’s face it, part of womanhood is having babies. I could not operate at 100% in my first trimester — and I do not think that I should have. My billable hours decreased during that time, but I know that I do great work and am a valuable associate. Pregnancy is EPIC — it’s important to slow down and take care of yourself and your baby. I know this was not acceptable in previous decades, but now, let’s stop trying to act like men. Let’s recognize the value that women have in the workplace, and recognize that the entire community — including law firms and corporations — should embrace women as they are, and support all of us baby-makers while we’re making babies and taking care of babies. After all, there is no more important work. We can take care of ourselves and our families, and still do good work (and lots of it!) — we just need to be flexible and we need a workplace that is flexible.
And we need to ask for what we need and want. For example, ask for more maternity leave if you want it! I took 6 months and it was the best decision I ever made. The work was there when I returned, and I did not get the crazy looks that I fully expected. Most people understand. Even men, they have been through it before with their wives. Babies are magical and they need our love and attention, in utero and afterwards!
Ru
Well said! I completely agree (although I’m nowhere near pregnant).
Anonamouse
Where’s the “Like” button?
Anonymous
Where’s the “Dislike” button?
Emma
Congrats Kat!
I’m also sympathetic to this viewpoint. Does “gender equality” mean suffering in silence, or does it mean being individually supported, and not penalized, for bearing a child? Why pretend that everything’s all roses when your body is working against you at times? I’ve never been pregnant, though, so what do I know!
Anonymous
I disagree — especially if someone is forcing me to pick her her slack (she’s not pregnant with my baby!). Scaling back is scaling back, whatever the reason.
Amelia Bedelia
Thank you. I agree. Whatever the reason, if you slow down someone else picks up the slack. yes, we want “support” but we work at businesses. Businesses exist to make money. That is not gender discrimination.
workingmomma
Hi Amelia Bedelia, I am so glad businesses exist to make money and I love my paycheck. I was not claiming gender discrimination and am not sure why you brought this up. The reason for my comment was to encourage women to ask for what they need and want in the workplace, it’s all part of the negotiation between company and employee. I think sometimes women want different things than men, and we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it, that’s all. My firm was fine without me for 6 months, and my coworkers were extremely supportive. I am also very “supportive” when partners ask me to work weekends and late nights. It’s all part of the cooperative teamwork that makes my job great. Your comment makes it seem like “support” = no money… why is that?
Anonymous Hippopotamus
We shouldn’t have to work in a world where having children and having a job are mutually exclusive. The company creates a system whereby the burden falls on other specific employees rather than temps. They can figure out a way to make it so that it works. Most working women will have children at some point in their career–this is not an abnormal, unforeseeable thing.
Same
This. I too want to be supportive–but not when it means I have to bill 2400+ hours to make up for someone who is billing 1800. Just because I’m not pregnant or a Mom doesn’t mean I don’t want to have a life (or for that matter, enough time to date to find a husband!). If a mother-to-be wants to cut back and bill only part time, I fully 100% support that–but it may mean that she should leave biglaw and find a different job.
TCFKAG
Well Same…Hope you don’t break a leg, develop a serious illness, or otherwise need people to cover your work at any point in the future…
Unless of course you’ll immediately quit your job upon such an event occurring.
The truth is, the person to blame here is the firm that doesn’t have enough staff, not necessarily the other associate. But maybe that’s just my humble take.
Same
Covering short term is fine. Covering long term is not. And yes, a big responsibility lies with the firms to adequately staff to cover for a 6 month leave. But another aspect of the problem–as some posters have pointed out–is that some women use pregnancy/kids as an excuse to not . Having experienced it first hand, it is frustrating and unhealthy for coworkers to cover for extended periods of time…coworkers who feel this way are not “bitter,” jealous, or maladjusted.
workingmomma
Hi Same, why do you work 2400+ hours??? If you don’t want to work so much, why do you? Perhaps you should find a job that allows you to have a life, date, etc. That sounds like a lifestyle/discipline issue and not a physiological issue (during pregnancy your body physiologically forces you to slow down… it is unhealthy not to… and that’s all I was talking about! That’s what I thought this post was about.)
Cat
That was the part of Kat’s post that took me by surprise, as well — I was expecting the opposite advice. While I wouldn’t want to burden coworkers with every icky feeling of pregnancy (just as I wouldn’t try to slack if I had an annoying cold or slight fever), I disagree that you can’t be a valuable team member while admitting that you are liable to throw up at any given moment.
Anonymous
Agreed. Hopefully the mommy wars won’t break out here.
“After all, there is no more important work.” Get over yourself. Seriously.
Anonymous Hippopotamus
Yeah, I agree–that’s a bit much.
nsv
This takes me back to the PMS wars of the 80s and 90s when we asked whether women could admit to having PMS without compromising all the advances we’d worked for. I always thought it was a shame I couldn’t talk about the amazing boost in productivity I experience in week 2 of my cycle – dependable as anything, and I get more done than anyone around me. Why can’t we admit – both with PMS and with pregnancy – that our output varies, depending on our hormones? I mean, at least women’s hormones are on a cycle, and thus relatively predictable – as compared, for example, with men’s bursts of testosterone.
In pregnancy, I would highly recommend 3rd trimester hormones, which did amazing things for my libido and made me (and my partner) very, very happy. Not that this is a work benefit, alas, but there are others.
Congrats, Kat – I’m so happy for you! I hope you get your energy back soon.
PotMS
Haha. This reminds me of when I was running for middle school student council president. I had just recently started having periods and the election hit just at the worst part of my cycle. I was running against a male classmate. My mom’s advice was as follows: “work extra hard and be extra nice to everyone; just remember, your opponent doesn’t have pms.” I still won.
Congrats, Kat!!!
workingmomma
Hi Anonymous & Anonymous Hippopotamus, well I didn’t expect that line to offend anyone… have you ever seen that Chris Rock skit where he asks his pregnant wife “What did you do today?” and she’s like “I made fingernails! What did YOU do today?” LOL. I was just talking about the miracle of life thing, when your baby looks at you you’re the most important thing in their world feeling, I didn’t mean to upset you or imply that other people don’t do important things. So I’m sorry to have offended you. I really was trying to be supportive of other women, not start mommy wars. Honestly, a lot of these negative comments have really surprised me.
Erin
I’ve struggled with this myself. Part of the issue is that I’ve seen women handle the challenges of pregnancy in different ways. There are the women who make a genuine effort to keep moving forward while acknowledging their limitations – and there are the women who use pregnancy as excuse to fulfill their every selfish or lazy desire. Pregnant or not, the workplace is not an appropriate place to be selfish or lazy. That’s really the part that people don’t like. It’s not the pregnancy. Those women really peeve me, because they build a bad rep for the rest of us.
Pregnancy is a part of life. I’ve cut coworkers slack while they go through a difficult divorce, bereavement, health issues, etc. They can do the same for me when I’m pregnant.
This is one reason I value my family-friendly employer. Most of my coworkers have kids, so they understand. It does become a challenge if your office/team is largely childless.
JenK
Are they slacking, or having tougher pregnancies than others, or less willing to put their own and their child’s health at risk by overworking themselves?
Anne Shirley
Seemed pretty clear Erin thinks (and I agree) that some women slack when they are pregnant. Considering there are plenty of lazy non-pregnant women, it really doesn’t seem terribly shocking to me that some women do take advantage of pregnancy.
A.
You seem like a real joy to work for/with.
Anonymous
I agree with Ms. Shirley. Princess mentality has got to stop.
Erin
Unfortunately I’ve known women who actually did take advantage of their pregnancy. I’m sure they were legitimately sick, tired, etc, but instead of making an effort, they demanded that everyone work around them **beyond what was necessary**. These were all women who were normally difficult, whiny, and/or lazy. It’s not a matter of overworking vs not, but the attitude. I’m just thinking that the negativity being voiced about pregnancies in the workplace might be caused by people only having experience with these types of women.
To be clear, I think that there should be an appropriate level of accommodation for pregnant women, but that the mother also has a responsibility to appreciate the leniency and not expect more than she needs. The vast majority of pregnant women understand this.
MaggieLizer
I’m shocked that so many women think that we should just keep our heads down and suffer through a pregnancy as if it doesn’t affect us. It’s not healthy for a pregnant woman to work the same hours she worked before she was pregnant. I work in midlaw and I am expected to work late (after midnight) and pull all nighters (with no down time to nap) on a fairly regular basis. Working these types of hours is potentially dangerous for the mother and child. It is totally unacceptable and unreasonable for any employer to expect a person to endanger the health and safety of her child for the sake of work, especially when that work can be performed by any cog in the big/midlaw machine.
It’s ridiculous that firms are so hostile to the idea of providing reasonable accomodations for pregnancy and child care, and it’s disheartening to hear echoes of that hostility from some of the brilliant, successful women on this site. Allowing pregnant women to work more normal hours for a few months should not be a controversial concept.
Any Cog
The hostile women are the ones who’ve likely been forced to cover for their co-workers who felt a sense of entitlement and arrogance during their pregnancy.
Everyone has lives and issues. Forcing them on your coworkers is unacceptable. Being responsible for your actions and their consequences is the minimum acceptable professional standard.
Slacking off + entitlement + arrogance = resentment.
Anon
what a horrible attitude you have. being pregnant and working is not considered slacking off. its a shame that you feel that way.
Same
But it is not my kid–why should another woman’s choices dictate my life and work/life balance while she is pregnant/on maternity leave/on parttime schedule/needs to leave early for the kids? I have had to do the work of two people (small team/group) because my co-worker came in every day at 9 a.m., left every day at 4 p.m., didn’t work weekends, etc., due to pregnancy/kids. In that case, she wasn’t able to do the job of a biglaw associate…so she should have left to find a new gig and allowed the firm to find someone else who could pull his/her own share. Instead, however, she took advantage of the generous maternity leave and part time policies…and I did her work. In the end, I was the one who left the firm first, utterly burnt out and resentful that I had spent two years of my life doing the work of two for the salary of one.
Cassie
To Same, above me:
I did the work of two when a colleague’s wife was so ill that he was away from work most of the time and useless when he was there. This happens in more situations than pregnancy, and no, my company wasn’t willing to replace him for the duration, either. I was also training a new hire despite my own newness. Situations crop up. What were we supposed to do, ask for the man whose wife did eventually die to be sacked?
Anonymous
You’re right, working while pregnant is not slacking off.
Announcing your pregnancy and then assuming that everyone else will just have to deal with it and work around you is selfish and unprofessional.
If you’re causing a disruption, accept that fact and don’t pretend that it isn’t a pain for everyone left to deal with the fallout you’ve created.
Anon
“Being responsible for your actions and their consequences is the minimum acceptable professional standard.”
I totally agree. So, let’s say, a woman hasn’t been able to find a partner, get married, have children, etc. She should DEFINITELY keep that resentment – at what she has not been able to achieve, that other women have – out of the workplace. It’s really not anyone else’s problem, that that woman remains single and childless and bitter about it. Wouldn’t you agree?
Ballerina Girl
Wow that was unnecessarily snarky. And actually pretty sexist. Who says all women want to have children? Pregnancy does not, by definition, equal success. Nor does marriage or being in a relationship. I know plenty of people who are in crappy relationships–I’d prefer to be single than in their relationships. I don’t agree with the original comment, but I also think this is very nasty and really ridiculous.
Anonymous
Interesting that Anon assumes all single women ant to be married or have kids and are resentful of those who do. How is 1950?
Twit. Go boss your husband about and wonder why he’s sleeping with his assistant.
CDN Anon
Your own bitterness is adorable.
(Full credit to the previous poster for this great response.)
Anonymous
What a well written, eloquent and thoughtful passage. Hope you’re on the opposite side of my arguments more often.
Alanna of Trebond (formerly 2L NYC)
I don’t have kids — but I think this is an important message. But not because someone else should necessarily have to pick up the slack, but because everyone (all American workers, and likely some workers from other countries) need to let themselves relax and have others allow this as normal. I think that work can be wonderful, and rewarding and fun — but that even exciting work does not need to be one’s entire life. Because of this, we should make sure that women are able to have kids, to take breaks and so forth with the support of others.
Also — we should all be nice to each other as women and stick up for mothers even if we do not think that we will have kids ourselves — because creating a culture where working mothers are treated badly is the same culture that supports seeing every woman as a potential future incubator, and therefore, less worthy of advancement than her male counterpart.
ANP
Second that and AMEN.
kz
I <3 the Tamora Pierce reference name. Maybe we should all have screen names from favorite books. Hmmm, I'm going to have to ponder this…
(always wished I was) Kel
Ditto — excellent, excellent name choice.
Anonymous
YES! We need to support families — whether they’re mothers-to-be, dads who take time out of their careers to be full-time parents, or people caring for aging parents. Life has seasons, and the workplace should be capable of adapting to the other aspects of our lives. Being tolerant and supportive of others as coworkers, employees, and bosses is a huge part of that.
workingmomma
right on!
Ru
Holler! Well said!
anon
YES!! So well said.
workingmomma
Yes, Alanna of Trebond (formerly 2L NYC), that’s totally what my comment was about originally!
Anonymous
Absolutley agree with you. We are not men. Your body is telling you to conserve your energy and not push yourself past your limits. You shouldnt have to “up the ante” to prove that you are a super woman that can work full-time, take care of your daily responsibilites (especially if you have other children) and push through your pregnancy ill’s. 1st off that is dangerous for you and your baby. I also dislike the phrase “If your not in a secure position in your life then you shouldnt have babies”, if everyone thought that way and there would be no people in this world. No one is ever truly preparred.
Liz
Congrats! What wonderful news. I had a very easy baby, but for me pregnancy was far harder than parenting a newborn (though, of course, every experience is different). So the worse days may actually be behind you!
(I can’t resist asking, though — “most moms don’t show till 20 weeks”?! This isn’t true for ANYONE I know. You and your friends are fortunate!)
JenK
I got pg over winter break (early Jan). When I gave a talk in June, most of the dept didn’t know, although when one of the guys told everyone else, a woman in her 50s nodded knowingly and said yes, I had been with child. I didn’t fit into the suit I’d worn for a job interview just a couple weeks earlier, but “showing” depends on the knowledge level of who ever is looking!
Erin
I didn’t look pregnant until I was at least 6 months, even though I started wearing maternity clothing at 14 weeks. I just looked a bit chubby, with a muffin top. Coworkers and strangers didn’t start to comment until I was at least 7 months along.
AN
I think it’s true for first time mums like Kat…I didn’t show for close to 5 months with my son. I also found that the slimmer one is pre preg, the earlier they tended to show…less place for baby to hide I guess?
Anonymous
I agree, and will add that if you are on the less-slim side pre-preg, it is more likely that family/friends/colleagues will simply assume you’ve put on a few pounds, rather than assuming you are pregnant. Fair? No, but I’ve seen it play out this way too many times to discount it.
Anonforreal
Hey ladies,
This post seems as good as any to ask a somewhat personal question that I’d LOVE some anonymous (and hopefully therefore honest) opinions about.
The last couple of months I’ve been thinking a lot about pregnancy. Specifically, whether I should try to get pregnant or should focus on adoption right away. Without going into details, it is going to be difficult for me to be pregnant. I could probably do it (maybe) but it would be painful and risky. There would be a significant chance of early miscarriages and later in the pregnancy, there could be complications for me. But, I could do it (its not like infertility where I straight up couldn’t) its just questionable if I should.
Now I’m struggling with whether my husband and I should just forge ahead and go straight to adoption (I know it can take awhile — so I don’t want to wait too long — and I know its not a “sure thing” and can be extremely difficult — so who knows if it’ll even be a definite option). But…I feel almost guilty not trying to have a baby; but I also feel like if I do try and have a miscarriage that it would be incredibly, incredibly traumatic for me.
Anyway — I know all of this is extremely personal, but if people would be willing to share their experiences with adoption or not-adoption or whatever, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!
Anyway, I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on this, either
Accountress
I don’t know how large your neck of the woods is, but have you looked into any support groups or organizations that might have people who can talk to you about their experiences? If you’re spiritual, maybe a counselor at your religious center? If you’re not, maybe the library has anthologies of couples making tough decisions?
I’m neutral to adoption and pregnancy, because while I was my parents’ last shot at pregnancy, my best friend was adopted when her parents decided to not have one last go. If they’d had a child, my bff might be who knows where, and I’d still feel like I was missing a piece of me. Well, I guess that makes me pro- both.
JenK
Why not go for both at once? As far as I know, you can withdraw adoption applis at any stage in the process.
markymark
I would just do both. If you get pregnant and carry to term, you can always pull the adoption application. and if you cannot carry a full term pregnancy, then the adopted child will come your way. Or maybe you will have a baby and 2 years later adopt a second.
There are plenty of babies that need good homes, so starting the adoption process now will keep that as a viable option for you.
Anon
I’m a little surprised by the “go for it” comments in response to this post. Deciding to carry a pregnancy in this situation is not something to take lightly. Anonforreal, do you feel that you know enough about these health risks? Is there an OB you feel comfortable talking with about this? I would suggest going that route first, and maybe seeking counseling (genetic counseling would be perfect, if it applies to your situation) to help you work through this decision. Your post also said that *you’ve* been thinking a lot about this issue–if your husband hasn’t been very involved yet it would probably be helpful to bring him into the process.
Eponine
It’s really your decision and no one can give you advice without knowing you personally.
I will say, though, that adoption can take a long, long time and be as capricious as trying to get pregnant can be. If you really want a baby and you think you could live with it if you ended up with two kids, I’d start the process of trying to adopt at the same time you start trying to conceive. I do know one mom who did this, and it ended up that she realized she was pregnant around the same time she finalized the adoption, so she has 2 kids who are less than one year apart. But for many people, it can take years to get pregnant or to have a successful pregnancy, and it can also take years to finalize an adoption.
Nicole
I have severe endometriosis and 10 years ago I had emergency surgery which resulted in 1 ovary being removed, a cyst being removed off the other ovary, and my endometrial lining effectively being suctioned down to a reasonable level.
I never really believed I could be get pregnant. I just turned 30 and started trying for a baby around 4 months ago. I’m now 5 weeks pregnant and (being a neurotic lawyer) I’ve already had an ultrasound to ensure that the embryo emplanted correctly (it has). Ironically, I got pregnant the one month that I was so flat out at work I never bothered to track cycles/ovulation/etc.
So, moral of the story is, don’t underestimate what your body is built to do! And, as hard as this is, try not to worry too much.
bakema
Congrats Kat! What wonderful news!
I agree with your post. Such crippling exhaustion in the first trimester, like nothing I’d ever experienced (and nobody had warned me to expect it). Once, I was hanging out with my then 1.5-year old while pregnant with my second, and woke up on the couch to find that I had been sleeping soundly for over an hour and my toddler and had climbed up onto the dining table and couldn’t get down. Second trimester I was hungry ALL the time, and put on 10 lbs in one month. And in the 3rd trimester I just couldn’t get comfortable, couldn’t sleep at night.
Best bras when I was pregnant: the bra-lellujah by Spanx or cheap non-underwire bras that can be replaced frequently.
Rebeccah
Congratulations, Kat! Wishing you all the best.
I’m in the midst of my first trimester and the fatigue is a killer — particularly since I’m 45 and already completely exhausted from having a 2-1/2-year-old at home who didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2. Still, I can’t imagine napping in my office — too busy! As the only in-house attorney for a mid-sized nonprofit, I’m able to be relatively flexible with my hours, but napping on the job? Nope. Just have to soldier through.
My main concern now is how my job will get done while I’m on maternity leave. Would love to hear from others who took leave in similar high-responsibility positions when there were no co-workers to jump in while you were away.
PS, for those of us who have undergone fertility treatments, planning one’s pregnancy isn’t quite so simple as taking or not taking birth control. When the clock is about to stop ticking (because one was too busy with one’s career to meet any decent guys until one turned 40), every minute counts, and the timing will never be “right”.
Batgirl
As a 32 year old single woman, I’d love to hear about your experiences. Did you have trouble getting pregnant? Any complications? I really hope to have children some day–be it through adoption or having them myself–and it can be scary to wonder if you’ll be able to because of something as random as who you meet and when.
Rebeccah
I was able to get pregnant 3 times, but lost them all. Old eggs, sigh! Anyone who tells you about their friend/sister/cousin who “easily” got pregnant after 38 or so is talking about a very lucky woman. Every older first-time mom I know went through the infertility treadmill. Many adopted. We adopted our first child, and my current pregnancy is from a donated embryo. Because the genetic mother was in her early 20s, the pregnancy is low risk, despite my age. But my body is still 45, and wow am I tired. I always tell my younger friends that if you really really want kids, and you can make it work financially/logistically, then have them! Don’t wait for Mr. Right to come along. Best of luck to you.
CFC
I started trying to get pregnant in my early thirties, and had two miscarriages, but also two healthy babies (by age 37). Honestly, I was surprised that I had such difficulties, I thought that getting pregnant/staying pregnant wasn’t an issue for most people in their thirties. However, although most of my friends who started trying at the same age wound up with the amount of kids they wanted, nearly all of them had at least one miscarriage. Miscarriages are much more difficult to deal with emotionally than I would have predicted, even when they happen early. I don’t think I would have done things differently, but I do wish I had known more about how common fertility issues are among women in their thirties beforehand so that I could have been better emotionally prepared.
MelM
How wonderful! Congrats to you, Kat! A couple of thoughts that I haven’t seen anyone else note:
For nausea: cinnamon gum or candy (like red hots) helped me; ginger helped to a degree but not as much as cinnamon. Some people suggested lemon drops and that helped for a little while. Also, I used those sea bands you put around your wrists (only when I wore long sleeves and could hide them – I was pregnant before biz casual when we still wore suits/dresses in BigLaw). It may have totally been a placebo effect, but it worked, and I didn’t care! I also tended to get sick more at night than in the morning for some reason, although sometimes brushing my teeth in the morning would trigger it too.
On caffeine and other prohibitions: First, I will say that you have to do what makes you comfortable, but try to keep it in perspective. I was (am) a total coffee addict pre-pregnancy. But during the first trimester, the thought of coffee made me ill. So that was easier to give up than I thought it would be. I would have a Diet Coke a day — an M.D. told me the studies at that time they based the proscription on gave the subjects so much Diet Coke that it would be like filling your whole body full of it! Also, we didn’t have the edicts against deli meats OR tuna/fish. I recall a period where I ate tuna salad pretty much every meal b/c that’s all that sounded good to me. I also craved vodka-soaked olives, so I would make my friends order martinis and get tons of olives. and my daughter turned out JUST FINE! :)
On timing: there will never be a perfect time to have a child. I had my daughter (now 14) when I was a 6th year associate. I returned full-time after maternity leave, but in about 6 months, took a reduced-hours position elsewhere (it is never “part-time” in the legal world!). I worked reduced hours for about 6 years, even becoming a partner while doing so. I then went back to full-time. I was no less committed when I worked less. It is all about the “seasons” of your life, as Sandra Day O’Connor stated — some are more focused on family; some on career. You can have it all – just not necessarily all at the same time!
Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. It will be worth it, even when you are dead tired, have been puked on, and can’t stand to hear “mommy” one more time!
A-Dubs
What a great post. I love it when women are honest about the trying parts of pregnancy. I’ve not been preggers yet, but am planning for the near future. Can you ballpark when the fatigue set in for you?
Diane
almost immediately. I’m normally a 6 hours of sleep a night girl, but when that didn’t cut it, that was one of my first clues.
Anon
It was immediate for me too. With my last baby we were on vacation and I just could not wake up in the morning. My husband ended up taking the older two out to a playground and I slept until about 10am, which is very unusual for me. (Don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping in, but I usually wake up with no problem.) But I just couldn’t keep my eyes open! When we got back home, I realized my period was late and tested….and it was positive!