Thursday’s Workwear Report: Wrap-Around Dress
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It’s very rare for me to look at a dress and simultaneously think, “Wow, that looks chic,” and “Wow, that looks comfy,” but Eloquii has done it!
This vertical-stripe dress is super flattering, with a self-tie waist and a slightly stretchy fabric, but the dolman sleeves and below-the-knee length give it a slightly more relaxed vibe.
I would wear this to work with a black blazer and then (in the Before Times) to patio happy hour directly afterwards.
The dress is $99.95 — take 50% off with code 24HOURS — and available in sizes 14–28
Two options in straight sizes include this dress from Michael Michael Kors for $155 and this dress at ASOS that's $40 on sale.
Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I bought a pair of blondo booties and generally have been really impressed: they really are waterproof and have held up well to wear and tear. (Granted, 2020 was the year of no shoes.)
The problem is that the footbed lining has shredded and is now giving me blisters. Any recommendations on the kind of insert that would work in a heeled bootie?
You need to go to CVS or Duane Read and have a look at the Doctor Sholls inserts. Depending on how much room you have in the booties, you should look at the kind of inserts that have gooey stuff inside them that adjusts to your feet and toes. I tried the kind that are just sponges (which were cheaper) and they disintegrated in 2 weeks inside my Fry boots. Be prepared to pay about $25 for a good pair — the cheap ones were about $10.
Am I the only one that is interested in what the HIVE thinks about the Cuomo kerfuffle? He was so sincere and contrite in yesterday’s news conference. His voice even broke in 2 places–I know b/c I watched the whole 42 minute daily news conference, most of which was devoted to the Corona Virus. I was also impressed with Melissa Derosa — the governor’s secretary, who is very smart and articulate. She was asked a question and came up with a perfect answer. That women have gotten ahead in this administration — she makes more $ then the Governor! But she is a lawyer also and very smart. She is also very cute — I think that Cuomo knows to be humble now, and will not touch any woman unless they give him the green light to do so. What does the HIVE think? I think this raises very important issues germaine to us as women professionals. How about it, Elizabeth and Kat?
I would pull out as much of the lining as you can, and then try Summer Soles. They’re really thin insoles. I find they stick in place nicely, but are also easily removable. They will provide a nice clean, even footbed lining, without adding bulk that could make the bootie too tight.
Pedag makes thin inserts that can be used in heels.
Thanks! I’ll give these linings a try!
I am in the market for a new pair of jeans in a different style and am bewildered as to where the trends are headed. If I buy cropped jeans will they look outdated in a year? I cannot stand the super high-rise styles that are all poofy around the hips. If I buy mid-rise jeans that are fitted at the top with a straight or flared leg will I look like a granny? I am confused. In what direction do you all think denim trends are going for those of us too old to be on TikTok?
If I look like a granny in my AG Angel jeans (the holy grail of Adult Tailored Flare IMHO), then so be it. They’re flattering to my figure and look cute with everything from espadrilles to work heels. I am tempted to buy a second pair to hem to flats length.
I am entirely sitting out high-waist, cropped (especially cropped flare), mom jeans, complicated closures like button fly, etc. I see late 30’s moms modeling these ‘current’ styles on Insta stories and it just looks like ‘trying too hard to be a teen’ to me.
I don’t want to agree with you, but I do. For the past decade, women in their 30s and teens basically dressed in the same styles. Maybe it’s OK if we leave the trendy denim to the teens and just stick with what actually flatters us. There are very, very few women in their 30s and beyond who can pull off the current trends, in my very humble opinion. Then again, I never thought skinny jeans would catch on, and they did!
This is an earnest question, not rhetorical but skeptical: how do you define “pulling off” something? Who makes that call, and is it presumed unanimous? It’s easy to see that young thin women look great in anything. But then it follows that everyone else is circumscribed in their fashion choices, since not “pulling off” a look tends to mean that the person is too old, too large or too unattractive to wear it.
I think some trends are just ugly and you have to be super attractive to make it look good. Those are trends I feel like I “cannot pull off.” To me, it means do you look good in it. Sure, there are some things I just wear because they are comfy and I don’t care if I look good but high rise acid wash jeans would not fall into that category.
As examples of mature women who “pull off” trendier or funky styles – The Directrice and Amid Privilege. Both happen to be thin and white but I think it’s a personality thing. If you’re trying to look Young as opposed to Yourself, I think it shows.
I could be 19 and still wouldn’t have the personality for a crop top and mom jeans. I have always been more tailored-classic in my personal style, except for a few peer-pressured years in the mid 90s where I succumbed to flannel :)
I found this post to be helpful
https://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/2021-denim-trends/
Hmm. I am always a skeptic about new denim trends, but this is super helpful.
A lot of these jeans look exactly like what I wore in the late 90s and very early 2000’s. Definitely wore a lot of stovepipe jeans in ’97-99 and a lot of bootcut jeans in the early 2000s (as well as giant flares that completely covered my shoes). Wild that it has already been 20 years! Yikes!
This is my struggle as well. It’s hard to see something come around for the second (okay, third) time and see it as timely and fresh. Even though I know fashion is designed to be cyclical, I can’t shake the idea that if I used to own it and no longer do, it looks “out”.
This post was incredibly helpful!
There was a hilarious comment on the afternoon thread yesterday about how we are all being conned into running out and buying a bunch of new denim to keep looking “cool” (shout out to buffybot).
I’m going to stick with my bootcut or skinny jeans. The straight leg just doesn’t work for my body type. And I’m not going anywhere near the baggy jean trend. Reminds me way too much of the 90’s
Yes, that was a great comment! I’m 43 and I’ve learned over the years what styles work best for my body type and I’m sticking with those. However, others may be more into fashion and trying new trends. I just think that if you try something new and you don’t feel comfortable in it, then you shouldn’t force yourself to make it work just because it’s trendy.
I don’t jump on all new trends and am definitely going to be sitting out the ones that aren’t flattering. I do, however, like to adopt slightly more classic variations on trends and avoid styles that are obviously outdated. I don’t want to look like an old lady who shops at Kohl’s. Hemlines are one of the worst offenders in this department.
That’s a little snobby towards Kohl’s shoppers, isn’t it? And older people?
Seriously, who gives a hoot about hemlines? And dissing people for shopping affordably is just classist.
I’m 61 and my current favorite jeans are black skinnies from Simply Vera Wang at Kohls. I only wear them with longer tops because otherwise skinnies make me look like an Oompa Loompa. (This is where knowing what looks good on your body comes in.) They are good quality and look great.
Signed,
Old lady who shops at Kohls.
There’s Kohl’s and there’s Kohl’s. I have a pair of plaid pull on pants, Vera Wang line, from Kohl’s that are the only pull on pants I’ve found that don’t give me diaper butt. But you do have to be a little discerning when shopping Kohl’s… And really, for lots of stores.
I’ve heard friends in real life diss places that I shop, while all the while saying how nicely I dress. I just figure, more selection for me at those stores!
Okay, so… I bought a pair of high waisted (which on me are more like midrise because i have a long torso), ‘slim flare’ jeans… And you know what?? Now I remember that i used to have to buy jeans in 2 lengths. Because these are too short to look good with any type of a heel – even a 1 inch heel.
I have been buying ‘regular’ lengths which (particularly at Loft) are more like ankle length on me. But like… I’m just gonna be rocking the dark wash higher rise jeans forever. As was said yesterday, BigDenim will NOT con me into spending all my money at Madewell.
Do you only have one pair of jeans at a time? You don’t really need to pick just one. I mean I have trousers and long flares for work, skinny jeans for work/fun, ripped ones, mom jeans, boyfriend jeans, they’re all just different styles for different things.
Of course you don’t just have one pair of jeans. I want different styles but I want all of them to look current.
I mean, just go to madewell and order anything that seems to suit you then? Current and long-lasting aren’t really compatible concepts….
Honestly, this. I am 40 so I had all of these current styles the first time around. Even the $200 denim that I bought in 2002 that I have held on to doesn’t work at this point (and for me it’s the not the size, I am basically the same size and weight), it’s that the style came back slightly tweaked bc things change in 20 years.
But how do you know that the styles on offer, even by premium brands, are really current? Mother has some cute cropped flares with a step hem, but I’m pretty sure crop flares and step hems are both passe. That’s my struggle.
I mean my test is are they selling it in the main store right now? If yes, current enough if it’s a hipper brand (see e.g. the madewell rec). If it’s something you’re searching for at an outlet or poshmark, probably a more dated style. Given that no one has left the house in a year, I wouldn’t overthink it unless you’re hanging w some crowd that really really cares about the trendiness of your denim. (And I say this as a fashion person who is pretty current with my wardrobe, but I adjust trends to my taste and preferences).
By that standard, 12:04, skinny jeans are still totally in then! Madewell continues to sell them full-price and introduce new skinny jean styles. Maybe it’s all ok.
Monday, exactly!
Well I don’t agree that a Gen Z tik tok taking on skinny jeans and side parts makes them “out,” as a general matter. So I’d still say, they’re for sale and most people are still wearing them so you’re fine. But if you super care about what a 20 year old thinks, don’t buy that style.
I only have one pair of jeans at a time
For a pretty long time I had only two pairs of jeans (black and dark blue, skinny). I had black pants for work and leggings/sweatpants/shorts. It wasn’t a money or minimalism thing, I was just … lazy.
I have two identical pairs of jeans. I just don’t wear them enough to warrant more.
Ahhh, in before times I wore them every day. Work and play. So I just struggle to understand he jeans struggle – they’re fun pants! They come in all the variety! Wear what you like. It’s all going to look more current than a pair of slacks (for the most part).
I have five identical pairs of pull on stretchy jeans. I wear them every day for WFH.
They’re the Levi’s that are talked about here pretty often and are skinny but not super skinny. I suppose I should be moving on to straight legs rather than skinny legs, but I have gotten used to the comfortable stretch of skinny jeans that are almost but not quite jeggings.
Being old enough to remember when people said you would “take my boot cut jeans from my cold dead hands”, this is my take: Once past college age, trying to follow fast fashion trends is neither flattering nor environmentally sound. And since we are not really buying the cheap versions, it gets very expensive. And frankly, it makes almost any woman over 40 look ridiculous.
Having said that, wearing boot cut jeans in 2010 would get you labelled hopelessly out of touch. So the idea is not to identify the exact trend in waist height, hemline, rolled vs. folded cuffs, etc. It is to identify the silhouette of the decade and avoid extremes. We just came off a decade where people wore (roughly) ankle length skinny jeans. We are headed into one where people are wearing (roughly) ankle or top of shoe length jeans with straighter legs. So pick something that flatters your body within that general silhouette. And go longer to start because it is much easier to hem or roll cuffs than to make shorter jeans longer.Then pick your level of straight vs. slight bootcut depending on what makes your body look good and what shoes you want to wear with them. (Because some of those need heels and I am never wearing those again except for 2 inch pumps to jury trials.)
This is what I’m talking about. The general silhouette.
I’m generally a +1 to this, with the caveat that if you have a lot of “style” or a signature look not dependent on trends, you can incorporate technically “out” styles. Think a Carrie Bradshaw type, not a catalogue model.
You Look Fab has a good post about jeans today, too: https://youlookfab.com/2021/03/04/spring-and-summer-2021-jeans/
I am dreaming of reading paperbacks on the beach. Any well-loved favorites or new titles to recommend?
Anything by Liane Moriarty and Elin Hildebrand. Well, except Nine Perfect Strangers. Don’t read that one, lol.
+1 right down to the no 9 Perfect Strangers, ha
I am a big Moriarty fan, but that one was so bad. And overall weird, lol.
Nine Perfect Strangers was weird, for sure, but I have to say, I found myself laughing out loud A LOT during that book, so I ended up giving it a good rating!
Same. I thought it was weird and dumb, but I still enjoyed it.
A Man Called Ove
Life after Life (polarizing; you will either love or hate apparently)
Anthony Horowitz mysteries (The Word is Murder is my favorite)
Erik Larson books for addictive storytelling about real events & people
All the Bridgerton books. Anything Phillipa Gregory.
Both the literary equivalents of a white wine spritzer.
For mystery/thrillers, I like anything by Riley Sager or Ruth Ware. If you like YA/mystery, any of the books from Karen M. McManus are good.
And here are some other specific titles:
The Girl you Left Behind – JoJo Moyes
The Husband’s Secret and Big Little Lies – Liane Moriarty
The Last Flight – Julie Clark
Playing with Fire – Tess Gerritsen
Pretty Things and Watch Me Disappear – Janelle Brown
To me, Carl Hiaasen books are perfect beach reads. Funny, smart, mysterious, usually featuring a bad a s s woman main character, but I can put it down when I want a pina colada or to go for a swim and not feel gripped!
My husband takes the opposite tack with beach reading: chooses the most dismal depressing historical fiction (or non fiction) so that he can look up and feel warm and at peace rather than consumed by misery.
… I think I’m your husband. I re-read The Handmaid’s Tale at the beach a few years ago.
My most recent beach read was The Goldfinch, so I’m in this club, too! (Loved it, by the way)
I LOVED The Goldfinch! Why it got so much hate I will never understand.
I am here for Donna Tartt’s every-ten-years releases and will never stop breathlessly waiting for them.
I have very nearly peed my pants laughing at Carl Hiassen books before.
Just get in the pool and you’re fine! KIDDING.
Carl Hiaasen is my favorite! I laugh out loud throughout his books. The most recent one with a Trumpy character is hysterical
The Idea Of You. I could not put it down!
Ah see this was a Did Not Finish for me, I hated it.
I always recommend A Sky Painted Gold. Anything by that author.
I just finished Kate Atkinson’s Case Histories (after somebody here recommended it) and I really enjoyed it — enough to move on immediately to the second book in the series!
Where’d You Go Bernadette was a fun beach read for me!
Ann Patchett is my go to for this genre.
The Dutch House by Ann Patchett (or really anything by Ann Patchett)
The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton
Oooh, that’s a cute dress. This spring, I am feeling all the stripes and neutrals and comfy dresses.
Cute dress, but I can’t imagine how you’d get those sleeves into a blazer (as the blogger has suggested)
+1 This is not a dress that is meant to be worn with something on top.
I love this dress so much!
I love it. I agree it’s not meant for a blazer. I wish it were offered in a dark solid color because this type of waist tie is the best thing for my tum
I need to give notice to my smallish firm this week. Will I be walked out? Only one non-lawyer has quit since I’ve been there, and she was walked out. If it matters, I don’t have any cases/clients of my own, and I’m going to government. Also, do I tell the managing partner first or the partners I work with?
Make sure you get everything you need out of the office BEFORE you give notice, b/c if you tell them and they walk you out, you will not get all of the stuff you need in your new job, and even your personal stuff will disappear. I made this mistake when I quit my job serving subpeenies, and they walked me out immediately. They told me they would send my stuff to my apartment, but they only did once I called, and then only sent my law school mug, nail polish, and one shoe. They did not return my gym bag and any of it’s contents, including some old gym shorts, my sports bra, a few pair of panties and 2 new pairs of panty hose. I think the office probably split up that stuff for their wives, kids and girlfreinds. FOOEY on them, b/c I took a much better job here at my law firm, so I did not want to wait, but you should to get your stuff out first.
If you’ve seen someone else get walked out, I’d at least prepare for the possibility.
I’ve never been walked out from a firm after giving notice. They needed me to write memos about the status of all the matters I was running! And I drafted the motions to withdraw. If you are going to the government instead of a competitor, it is highly unlikely that they will walk you out. That said, be prepared. Keep track of all your passwords so you can change them (e-filing, bar associations), log out of accounts, take all personal items out of your desk, get any personal files from your computer, etc.
I usually tell the partners I work with as a courtesy, then immediately tell the managing partner.
This includes uninstalling Last Pass if you use it at work!
Why do you need to uninstall LastPass?
Or at least make sure you fully log out of it. It has all your passwords to everything else. I’ve been involved in a case where an employer used a departed employee’s last pass to access the employee’s personal emails and messages and used it against them in a suit. Case resolved before we got a ruling if that was legal/admissible. Arguably they knew they were not authorized to use the PWs to access accounts and monitor an employee after the employee left. But, they argued their computer use agreement let them since the PWs were saved on a company computer.
That is terrible, Anon at 11:51!
Wow anon at 11:51! That is absolutely terrible.
I actually don’t log into any personal accounts on work devices. I use my (personal) phone for everything.
Whoa, how did they even get into LastPast without the password? It shouldn’t log them in for long amounts of time, right? My password manager logs me out after like 30 seconds of inactivity.
If you tell them where you are going in government, you are far less likely to be walked out.
I’ve been walked out of a small firm before and it was so unnecessarily dramatic and ridiculous, given that I was giving notice since I was moving and there was no acrimony. If you suspect you will be walked out, clear everything of personal value out gradually in the days leading up and make sure all files and e-mails on your computer that are personal have been secured because you will also likely immediately have your access revoked from your computer if they do not have you work through your notice period. I would also tell the partner you work most closely with first as a courtesy and then immediately tell the managing partner.
Give your notice as soon as you are ready so you do not spend the mental energy stressing over how it will go. It could be and should be a nonevent. You do not owe anyone an apology. Giving notice is providing information about your employment status and that is how it should be received. This should not be *a whole thing* because people leave jobs for all sorts of reasons, so hopefully your firm will handle this professionally.
Agree with the others to be prepared for the possibility of getting walker out, so have anything you want to take with you ready to go just in case. I would tell the partners you work with first – if there’s a particular partner you might ask to serve as a reference for you in the future, I might tell that person first. In my experience, word travels fast so you may not actually get to tell more than one person before everyone else finds out.
There’s been some discussion here about Crest WhiteStrips doing a great job whitening teeth. My problem isn’t general discoloration, though, it’s a few specific spots. Anyone have any recommendations for the products that are more targeted, like you draw them on, or can strips serve the same purpose?
Could you see your hygienist? She might be able to polish those spots when she does your overall cleaning. Dental hygiene and regular medical appointments have been my family’s only out-of-the-house “adventures” since last year with both professions taking strict approaches to safety measures.
Check with your dentist about remineralization – they may have in-office or at-home options. They’ve suggested it for my oddly-spotted teeth, but I haven’t done it yet.
Are the spots white or dark? I have spots that are much whiter than the overall tooth and the dentist suggested there was something she could do to darken those spots enough that they blend into the tooth more.
I started reading Twitter (never posting) during the early days of lockdown. It felt like if I search for the right people, I could actually get good advice that I wasn’t from the government which was claiming everything was fine and it made me feel less lonely. 2020’s 2020-ness only reinforced this behavior. I managed to start getting myself to check less over the holidays…but then 1/6.
I don’t want to do this anymore. This takes time during the day I don’t want to give and makes me more anxious, but I can’t seem to great the habit. Love to hear how you’ve broken reflexive internet habits. (I’ve already deleted the app and not signed in…)
Come here more instead. Seriously.
I always tell myself “no, you aren’t doing this now. If you really want to later, you can. But you aren’t doing this now.”
Delete the app from your phone. Right now. For Covid news, watch a local news broadcast occasionally to get any updates that actually pertain to you. There’s no reason to spend time working yourself up about what’s happening nationally if it’s not helping you.
Sorry – I didn’t see that you’ve already deleted the app. One more tip: I love Twitter (and curate my feed very carefully to avoid nervous-making current events topics). To stop checking it so much I rearranged my phone home screen to put a Spanish lessons quiz app in the spot where Twitter was. Muscle memory now has me opening that app instead and doing a quick quiz. Very often the quiz seems to scratch my phone/info itch and I put it back down.
Do you follow a bunch of people you find interesting? If you deliberately unfollow them, does that make the app more boring? (I do a lot of things, but Twitter is not one of them…).
I am terrible at cutting myself off from these things (like, if you set an app timer and it comes up on your phone is there ANYONE that doesn’t just hit ignore? Or is that just me?) but the only thing that worked for me with say, Facebook, was I unfollowed a ton of people and it made the whole interface just really boring (now my feed is mostly companies advertising to me).
My SM use is highly segregated.
For example I’m on R3ddit a lot, but my feed is all hobby interests, landscape photography, and cats. I have a second separate account that is tailored to work (tech industry news, UX and UI jobs, coding help) so I can log in and out to get the focus I want.
Algorithms are designed to give you more of what you ask for. You can use them to your advantage, or you can log off entirely.
I did a week-long social media cleanse at the beginning of the year–no Twitter, no Instagram. It was only a week, so it felt bearable in terms of length, and after having that defined time away it’s been easier to put up boundaries around Twitter, in particular. I uninstalled the app from my phone and do my best to set a 10-15 minute timer when I check it on my laptop. I’m not perfect about setting it (or logging off when it goes off), but it does help to nudge me if I’m just mindlessly scrolling.
Two things helped me. One was a terrible migraine that made it impossible to scroll on my phone, that unfortunately lasted a week! That one week break though really broke the habit. So, I second the idea of a one week break.
I did fall back into old bad habits though. This time around I did two things. One was consciously filling my time with other stuff. It has to be easily attainable so don’t say I’m going to do yoga or workout or journal or things that you may find personal “work.” It has to be as mindless as Twitter. So for me, that’s watching singing competitions like American Idol or The Voice and The Bachelor. Things that are easy to binge or stop mid-show. I can still do yoga or walk on the treadmill if I’m feeling ambitious while I watch it but I give myself grace to lay on the couch and watch like I would have been doing if I was on Twitter.
Lastly, when I really want to do a deep dive on Twitter on a particular subject, I go for it. I try to do this on the desktop only and not mobile to not reactivate old muscle memory. I feel going to Twitter with a purpose is different from going to Twitter to kill time.
Thanks for the advice!
I have daily time limits on the more addictive phone apps – Twitter and Instagram in my case. In iOS, you can set them from Screen time under settings.
Highly recommend Digital Minimalism by Ca Newport.
Gut check – my husband and I agreed that we’d wait on any sort of travel or visits until we had the second vaccine (in the UK, and we should have our first by July at the latest, possibly a bit earlier given how the age brackets fall). I WFH, we have a toddler in full-time daycare, and my husband goes in 1-2 days a week, and we have been very cautious throughout (no indoor dining even when it was open, no indoor meet-ups, limited shoppping). As a result, our exposure isn’t huge but it isn’t zero either. I have lupus, and even a cold hits me hard, so I do feel more vulnerable.
We’re getting some pushback from family members/grandparents and honestly, I’m a bit surprised. I thought this was a pretty reasonable boundary to set but can understand the desire to see family, see our son who has grown loads. What are your families doing?
I WFH, my husband is in academia and getting his second shot today. I will be in the last phase because I have no special circumstances that would qualify me any earlier. We have a 4 month old.
We’ll see people once they have a vaccine for children.
Wow, really? That’s intense. What are you going to do if they don’t decide to vaccinate children because of the comparative low risk? Or don’t vaccinate under 6 or something?
Gently, I agree. Unclear whether they’ll even vaccinate young kids.
? They are already doing trials for the 12-18 age group, then is 6-12 this summer and likely 0-6 this fall.
Gently, it’s extremely likely that there will be a vaccine for kids in the next year.
For mom of 4 month old. Totally support you in waiting until you feel comfortable. Your little one is still very very little. And is getting all the human interaction s/he needs just from parents for a long while yet. This internet stranger and mom of two (ages 5 & 8) thinks you probably know what’s the best risk profile for your baby and your family.
FaceTime / Zoom enable you to see one another safely, if they want to see how he has grown.
+1. People love to hate on zoom these days, but it’s a damn miracle that we have this to stay connected to family. It’s not the time to relax restrictions when in just a few months, we might all be vaccinated. Don’t give up so close to the finish line just because some covidiots will.
Based on responses on the moms board to a similar question, I definitely seem to be in the minority, but I am definitely comfortable visiting with vaccinated grandparents before we (me, husband and kids) have the vaccine.
+1 – most people o know feel this way though
It doesn’t matter what women here or doing or what your extended family thinks. It’s your family, your boundaries, period. If soliciting other opinions here is going to convince you to relax your boundaries, that’s probably a bad idea.
It’s very true. I think my motivation for posting was more of an AITA. My in-laws have historically pushed my buttons (and I’m sure I’ve pushed theirs), but we’ll be applying the same rule for my parents.
NTA. Definitely NTA.
For sure NTA
Our family is a bunch of covidiots who have been out living their best lives but also managed to get vaccinated already. We are comfortable with short, distanced outdoor visits with us in masks, but there will be no travel or overnight or indoor visiting until our entire nuclear family is vaccinated and community spread has diminished substantially.
Old people are selfish. It’s up to our generation to hold firm on the boundaries.
Same. Still annoyed at the 99-year-old Trump-voting, “the pandemic is overblown” woman I know who got COVID and got her vaccine in the first week of the first eligibility group two weeks later.
I got over my annoyance by reminding myself our goal is to get out of this pandemic. The people that think it is overblown are the ones spreading it. I’m glad they are getting vaccinated first. It’s not about what is fair it is about what stops this thing. Same deal w/ people pissed that smokers or obese people get vaccine priority. They are more likely to end up in the ICU.
“Your” old people may be selfish. Many have effectively given up a significant percentage of their remaining time on earth and have stayed home. Please don’t be ageist.
Yes! My 83 year old dad with COPD has only been out of the house to go to the doctor.
Same for my nearly 90 year old fit, hale, and active parent. While I respect that someone may be looking around their world and come up with the idea that “old people are selfish”, I am looking around my world and coming up with the idea that “young people are out living their best lives and don’t give a flying f$ck about the health and well-being of older people”.
Same, for my 90 year old granny, who lives on the other side of the world and may soon be too old to travel and may not get to see my kids again. She’s the sweetest, cutest, funniest person in the world, by the way.
That’s quite an ageist, stereotype you are so proudly proclaiming. Let’s think about this instead: some people are selfish, but we should all try to be better. Because when you say “old people are…” or “young people are…” or “black people are…” you are making clear what you are.
From where I sit, the burden of the pandemic has fallen hardest on (1) nursing home residents (2) essential workers (3) the middle-aged who are stuck trying to get our kids through remote learning without permanent psychological damage and watching half of our parents die while the other half of them party like they never heard of COVID.
Totally with you, Anon 12:45!
I have a moderate risk profile, but you have lupus so you are far more vulnerable that I am. Don’t risk your health now when you will be vaccinated in a matter of months. In your shoes, I would have masked, outdoor-only sessions with people who are local until I was fully vaccinated. No traveling. After full vaccination, I would spend time indoors with other fully vaccinated adults (and unvaccinated kids).
You are setting a reasonable boundary to protect yourself. It is okay if your family members wish you were making a different choice, but you do not need to change your boundary for them.
So I personally won’t travel without the vaccine myself on a plane/ anywhere I can’t drive myself, but I’d visit w the grandparents if they’re vaccinated and have them stay in my house/ visit indoors. Again, if they’re vaccinated. Pretty much same approach for anyone vaccinated.
I think there are two separate questions here – do you want to reconsider your plans and how to you manage grandparent expectations. WRT to the second, this is very much a know-your-grandparents type of thing but could you start making definite plans for August? For example “there is a special zoo exhibit, we would love to go with you and toddler on August 15” . It might make it feel more real to the grandparents. As to the first, would you feel comfortable doing something outside with the grandparents? I mean, the out-of-towners could stay in a hotel and you could all meet at a park, zoo, etc. I don’t have lupus so don’t really know what you’re dealing with but thought I’d throw an idea out there.
That makes sense. This question was motivated by a request to all travel together in July (to commemorate a family loss, but it isn’t an anniversary/birthday, so not quite sure why July was the preferred timing). I wonder if going back and saying “We’d love to see you, let’s plan something for October when we’re sure we’re all fully vaccinated” would go over better. My husband’s nieces and nephews (20s) are out there living their best lives, so we don’t really want to get together until they are vaccinated as well.
A big gathering like this is much riskier than having the grandparents visit you. I wouldn’t even plan something for October. What if the nieces and nephews don’t choose to get vaccinated, and community spread is still high at that point? What if one of the variants causes a surge and there are travel restrictions?
+1. Stick to small gatherings of just a couple of vaccinated households once it’s safe. Big stuff can likely happen in 2022 if we all stay smart now.
Ah.. This adds a lot of context. Hope you come to a happy solution for the family. It’s such a tough time – everyone has different risk tolerances and boundaries.
Our parents have had both doses and so we are no longer as worried about taking extra precautions before seeing them (previously we had done basically nothing for two weeks prior other than our once-weekly masked grocery trips).
But – we have minimal exposure thanks to both WFH with no children, and we have no desire to interact with anyone indoors unmasked (except parents) until we have been vax’d ourselves.
you are high risk. you should not travel until you are a couple of weeks past your second shot. i have a cousin with lupus and i know this is hard for you, but your relatives are being completely unreasonable with you.
We’ll travel when family we are visiting and full vaccinated and when we are fully vaccinated. Not waiting for kids vaccine although I expect they’ll be a kids one eventually.
FWIW – have not seen my sister in 3 years at that point and my in laws in / years when normally we’d see them annually.
I haven’t read other responses but my parents, husband and some close friends are all vaccinated. I know they are still generally cautious. I am not vaccinated and believe I am higher risk due to my asthma but my docs don’t consider it high enough risk to get priority. Taking a daily pill to stay controlled is not enough in their opinion.
Anyway, I’m seeing my vaccinated family and allowing vaccinated friends in my house. I’ve also seen one friend this entire time both unvaccinated. We don’t hug or sit next to each other on the couch but we have been in each other’s houses unmasked.
I am not resuming to full time seeing everyone constantly. I will be doing one visit to the parents every couple months or so until I’m vaccinated.
Would you have to travel to see this family or are they a short car ride away? You do what you are comfortable with.
Oh, and part of the reason I am comfortable is an epidemiologist hired by my husband’s work has advised that early studies show vaccinated people do not transmit the disease. I haven’t seen any public works on this so I wouldn’t trust it as gospel but it makes me feel better about my risk being around my husband who is an essential worker that goes into people’s houses. He still wears masks, stays a distance when he can, and uses lots of hand sanitizer just like he did pre-vaccine.
My family is only doing visits once we are vaccinated. That is hard because my parents recently moved away to a place I have never been, but I am now pretty exposed and I don’t want to be a vector. My parents and one sibling are now vaccinated, so they will visit first.
DH, Kiddo, and I are seeing vaccinated grandparents before we are fully vaccinated. DH and I have had our first shot, but we were planning to see fully vaccinated grandparents without it.
I might feel differently, though, if grandparents had to travel by plane to see me and if I had a health condition that made me high risk. That’s totally reasonable! We don’t know enough about transmission between vaccinated and unvaccinated people–data so far suggests transmission is reduced but we don’t know by how much. And we don’t know enough about the variants.
You’re definitely not the a-hole for enforcing the boundaries you feel comfortable with. Personally, I would be ok hosting family (assuming they’re behaving cautiously, wearing masks in transit, etc.) before I’m fully vaccinated, but will be holding off on traveling myself until 2 weeks after the second shot. I have an autoimmune disease (Graves’) but my doctors assure me I’m not high risk beyond the modest risks due to age (late 30s). We’re definitely not waiting until our preschooler can be vaccinated. Going over a year without seeing our loved ones (other than my parents who are local-ish) has been awful and I can’t imagine waiting another year or more, given how fast she’s changing at this age. I assume she will get the virus at some point and have an asymptomatic or very mild case, like most kids her age do.
I haven’t really had to worry much about masks because I work from home, was pregnant or home with a newborn all of last year, and only went to doctor’s appointments. But now we have a nanny and pediatrician recommended that nanny wear mask in our home, so my husband and I are wearing them as well because it seems fair. I wear glasses ~50% of the time and have a long face and I cannot seem to find masks that (1) don’t move when I am talking (apparently I also move my face a LOT when I’m talking?) and (2) don’t fog up. Does anyone have some good suggestions? I bought a bunch of Gap masks and they’re all too small (too short). I like Soul masks but wanted something in a different fabric that feels less t-shirt like.
I don’t see any reason not to wear the blue disposable surgical masks with the wire that you can pinch to fit your face and hence eliminate the fogging. I applaud you for wearing the mask along with your nanny, but if you are in your own office with a closed door working, do you really need a mask then, or only when you come out of the office and interact with nanny and child?
I take off my mask when I close my office door (to eat, for calls where I have to be on video), but most of the day, I leave my door open (and my office is right next to the nursery). There is a lot of interaction between me and nanny throughout the day.
I don’t have a mask rec, but I applaud you for also wearing masks for fairness sake. I forsee a time when folks with public facing jobs will still be required to wear masks (waiters, grocery clerks, retail workers, etc.), but the customers won’t have to wear them. I hate that idea – like the waiter is somehow a disease vector while the customer isn’t. It seems so classist and rude.
I think it’s ok not to wear a mask in the house when working in a closed office and just wear the mask when interacting with the nanny. FWIW, I did not require my nanny to wear a mask, but she chose to on her own. My family members generally didn’t wear masks around her. However, she’s now vaccinated so it’s less of a concern.
Thank you for this! You are so right.
Um if that happens, sure, but we aren’t there. The most probable outcome is vaccines are widely available (by 2022) and no one wears a mask anymore. No need to borrow trouble.
I’m also a glasses wearer and my favorite cloth masks are the ones from Old Navy. The key for me is to make sure the top of the mask is tight across the bridge of my nose, and my glasses go on top so that anything escaping the mask doesn’t hit my glasses. I never have any fogging with this system.
I wear glasses and like the Proper Cloth masks. A friend who wears glasses likes Stark’s.
For the fogging issue, I would suggest anti-fog spray. It is working well for me.
I’m curious if it worked for you outdoors in a cold climate. I haven’t tried it yet and have just been either wearing contacts or taking off my glasses until I get inside but the latter isn’t really safe as I have pretty bad vision.
MaskLab or HertlingUSA. Hertling has a long, sturdy wire across the top that allows for precise molding to the face.
There is a product for ski goggles called “cat crap” (yes, really!). You wipe it on the lenses and it prevents fog. This is what you need for your glasses–comes in a little red container. There are other anti-fog products too. Good luck.
I haven’t tried them yet, but a friend who works as an occupational therapist in public schools swears by the hllofriend brand, which come with anti-fog strips and are sized.
My optometrist suggested putting a piece of fabric tape on the bridge of my nose to keep my mask under my glasses frame. If you have some lying around you might give that a try.
You can fold a Kleenex into a long narrow rectangle and place that under the top band of the mask.
I have found that wearing two masks helps some with fogged up glasses.
Has anyone had cool sculpting done? I am 40+ and have a slower metabolism, less time to work out (schools are closed, so my workday is interrupted 1000 times, WFH spouse is noisy (on calls all day), etc., etc. [I realize that I could WFH in an empty silent house, which has me craving few office days I get a month and stabby at schools still being virtual.] And I’m packing on any new pounds (not a ton, but enough of a new shape that sizing up hasn’t really helped) in a menopausal shape (all to the tummy). Would cool sculpting help with this? Even going to the gym (in the future) won’t spot reduce my new problem. I do get a good bit of walking in, but that’s mainly b/c we have a dog and walking him keeps all of us sane.
My research on R3ddit and RealSelf suggests that it doesn’t work right for many people. Apparently bits of fat “break off” and get absorbed as intended, but a good amount stays behind, and the structure gets destroyed so it ends up very lumpy and less firm.
No you just need to lose weight
I’ve had it and I’m happy with the results. For best results, the area has to be thoroughly “kneaded” as is thaws, that part hurts. It was sensitive and bruised for a few days afterward so not exactly “no downtime”.
Emsculpt > cool sculpt. I have had both, but emsculpt 3x and would never get coolsculpted again. It turned out fine/worked but it was painful and scary. I didn’t really know about the possible adverse effects that happen semi frequently! If you are going to do coolsculpting i would do it at a doctor’s office not a medspa.
I did CoolSculpting and was really happy with my results. The weeks after the appointment were more uncomfortable (not quite painful) than I anticipated, but I’d CoolSculpt my whole body if price wasn’t an issue.
I had this done on my upper arms and chin. I was happy with the results for the most part but do not think it was worth the cost. It took about 4 months for me to see the full result of two treatments on each area.
I’m about 45 days after my first Coolsculpt treatment in thighs and hips. Very pleased so far with the smoothing I’m seeing. I’ll echo that there was more discomfort in the weeks following the process than I’d expected. I had a lot of nerve tingling/itching – didn’t sleep well due to it for several days after the procedure. My second treatment is in a couple more weeks. It takes a while to see the full benefit, so don’t rush multiple cycles.
It’s not a dramatic difference, but as another poster said, I’d do my entire body is it wasn’t cost prohibitive. It’s me, just…streamlined.
I don’t think I would do anything permanent to my body in response to a temporary situation.
I would skip it and just get lipo. It’s way more effective
Body comp. is almost entirely food. I’d suggest dialing that in before taking more severe measures.
Thanks to the poster a couple weeks back that recommended Duane from the Keeping Room for furniture orders. He was super responsive and gave me a better price than my local furniture store, with a free upgrade to down cushions and no sales tax. All in, I saved about $800 on my order going with them for two Taylor King chairs. PSA: if anyone wants furniture this calendar year, the time to order is now. Many NC factories are projecting a 22-week lead time, which means orders placed now supposedly would ship in July.
Oh yay! We ordered our living room furniture from him last spring/summer and he was AWESOME and waaaay cheaper than our local showrooms in MA which seemed to add on a crazy markup. I loved that he was also pretty brutally honest about leather quality/brands and what would and would not fit our lifestyle (kid, pets, etc.). I’ll definitely be using him again when we do our kitchen reno for table/chairs/barstools.
Asking help from any LGBTQ people or parents/friends of LGBTQ teens!
My daughter is turning 15 soon and has asked for books as a birthday gift. She came out to us as bi-sexual during thebpast year and I want to give her some books with heroes that she can identify with and will feel good about reading, as well as some other books in genres she likes. Turns out there are tons of books out there but which ones are the best to read at this age? Any recommendations?
She has expressed interest in “Jiovanni’s room” in the past. She is a sophisticared reader for her age but from the description that book strikes me as very bleak… Can anyone comment if they feel it’s good for a teen or too dark/mature? Even if good for a teen, I feel I would like to supplement with something else more positive.
If you care to throw any other recs and resources my way in general, they would be really welcome. I want her to feel supported and loved and accepted, but I come from a very traditional foreign culture and struggle a bit between walking the line between showing her my support and making “a big deal” out of it which I don’t think she wants to. So far we just try to follow her lead. Any recs for dos and donts with an LGBTQ teens for supportive but clueless parents?
No specific recs but I wonder if a library would have a good online booklist? Or an LGBTQ organisation? Maybe the list from Teen Vogue https://www.teenvogue.com/story/lgbtq-books-for-teens
Definitely call a local, independent bookstore and ask! I would expand to graphic novels as well. Sorry I don’t have any specific recs though.
Might be an unpopular take, but I would get her books that align with her hobbies and interests and that don’t encourage rumination. She’s a teen and doesn’t need to spend too much time worrying about identity. Some of the teen novels that deal with sexuality are actually really adult in theme and some even promote unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as glamorizing cutting. What are your daughter’s interests? I could offer a few specific recommendations if I knew more.
Thank you – I am indeed worried about encouraging rumination. I am already getting her some things (books) for her interests too.
That’s good that you’re already aware of this. I’m sure things will be fine. If I can make a suggestion, make sure she doesn’t spent too much time on the Internet. If anything encourages unhealthy rumination and unhealthy relationships with older strangers in the community who want to “help” your daughter, it’s Tumblr and Reddit.
+1
I dunno, I think 14-going-on-15 is exactly the age where a lot of people do start meditating deeply on their identity. That’s not a bad thing…it’s part of being a teenager.
This. In general, teen novels with protagonists from underrepresented groups tend to emphasize struggle and misery. Most teens need examples of characters who look like them, and who look different from them, dealing with the normal challenges of growing up in a way that’s ultimately healthy. But I guess that doesn’t sell books.
This has changed quite a bit in the past few years as many authors elect to write about different groups where their orientation or background is not the major theme of the story. Representation is so important and it’s refreshing and important to “see” someone who resembles you in books. I don’t have time to list titles right now, but check in with your local library or bookstore!
Adam Silva, John Green
Here are some contemporary YA authors with strong LGBTQ+ representation to check out. What are her favorite genres? I’m happy to dig up some other recs, if that would be helpful.
Becky Albertalli
Aiden Thomas
Zan Romanoff
Nita Tyndall
Rory Power
Adam Silvera
Nghi Vo (not technically YA but totally YA-appropriate)
Mason Deaver
Mackenzi Lee
I haven’t read Giovanni’s Room so can’t comment on that one, but maybe recommend she try Maurice by E.M. Forster? Mary Renault might also be a good option if she likes more of a historical / literary feel. With all of that said, she’s almost 15, which is an age where I was reading pretty adult material.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for all the recs. Maurice looks perfect – she is very much into classics and historical lately but has not read any EM Forster yet, I loved his books in my late teens but did not know about this book! It looks like it has a positive ending too and I find many of his books to be omplex but healing. How did I not know about this book! I think it may not have been translated in my country, when I read him.
Oh, perfect! Maurice is an important historical work because of that exact reason :)
Also Leigh Bardugo (specifically the Six of Crows duology) and Maggie Stiefvater (Raven Cycle), if she likes fantasy.
I started reading Leigh Bardugo’s books like a week and a half ago when I saw Netflix was coming out with a show based on them and am already 5 books in. They are so good! (But I am staying up way too late reading)
The Netflix Grishaverse show looks SO GOOD! And FYI the newest Grishaverse book (#7 novel and #2 in the third series) drops this month!
I think she identifies as a lesbian, but I love Camille Paglia’s writing even if I don’t 100% agree with it. She writes a lot of commentary, particularly on art. And it does not come across as a study in misery.
A lot of kings and queens were married off politically despite their orientation (was it James II who was “the king who would be queen”? and many kings and queens had a “favorite” who was of the same gender) and had children. Historically, it may be interesting and also remind them that they are a part of the fabric of history and always have been. Things are different now, and yet not different.
Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston incorporates historical queerness in the British royal family and also has a bi protagonist, if the OP wants to chuck that one in there as well.
+1. That book is fun. I wouldn’t say it’s super strong on the historical front, but the bi protagonist in a relationship with a gay royal is written as a fun, believable, and loving story.
This book is very cute and positive, and there is a little bit of (healthy! reasonable!) rumination as they decide how to deal with coming out internationally, but overall its rom-com like.
One Life by Megan Rapinoe if she’s into soccer or sports?
I’d focus on autobiographies of LGBTQ people who share her area of interests – music, sports, art etc
I am not in any of the buckets but if she asked for a particular book I might just get it. By the time I was a teenager my approach to books was that I could get whatever I wanted via the library. Amazon makes it even easier now.
No suggestions, but you’re a great mom.
I greatly enjoyed the two parter by Hank Green, which features a bi-sexual protagonist navigating a mystery with a small sci-fi bent and lots of commentary on how the internet has changed information/disinformation and how people can be the worst at times, and that there is good in people nonetheless. Sexual orientation and acceptance is just a small subplot.
No recs on LGBTQ+ books but on the book that seems bleak to you – get it for her, let her read it and form her own impressions. 15 years old is old enough to read anything she wants to read.
Red White and Royal Blue!!!!! One of my favourite reads of the last 18 months.
It might be a bit late for you to see this but I just have to chime in to recommend Mackenzi Lee’s young adult historical fiction novels featuring mostly non-straight main characters. She’s writing a series, and I, a bisexual 30-something lawyer, absolutely love them. The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue is the first, and the second is The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy (I liked the second more but totally recommend reading them in order because I am a rule follower). There is some internal reflection on sexuality, but it’s not just rumination about that – the main characters are out doing things and having adventures and that is the real driving arc of the story. They are a very fun read, and I know I would have loved them at that age if such a thing had existed.
I find commenters here have pretty outdated recs (and impressions of the genre) when it comes to YA books. I’m in my 20s but enjoy reading new YA releases that encompass diversity that was missing from the genre when I was younger. Here are a two fiction books with LGBTQ rep that I enjoyed: The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali by Sabina Khan, and We Used to be Friends by Amy Spalding. I have also heard good things about The Summer of Jordi Perez, but I haven’t read it yet! Note that none of these books have disturbingly dark themes, although Rukhsana Ali did make me cry in the subway.
You sound like a great, supportive mom :)
I’m not sure what’s spurring this on, but my body image lately has been pretty bad. Things that I thought I’d made peace with long ago are now creeping back, and it’s really affecting how I feel about myself. Any good resources for women who are in that no-man’s land of size 10-12? I am consumed with jealousy by women who are naturally much thinner than I ever will be, but many of the resources for plus-size women aren’t quite a match, either. I’m fully aware that I have size privilege and nobody is going to ridicule my body in public but that doesn’t make me feel much better about it. Please be kind … I’m already embarrassed about how much I’m fixating on this.
Body neutrality. Same size as you, outdoorsy, active, and it’s the best thing I’ve found for this.
+1. I can’t do body positivity but I can do body neutrality. (I’m not in y’all’s exact situation but I’ve been through the body image wringer for sure, including years of feeling horrible about myself because even after all of the work I’d done, I couldn’t make myself “love” my body.)
If you want some folks to follow on Insta who are in between naturally thin and plus size, check out @nicolezaajac and @mikzazon.
Yep, me too! I’m in the same size, and feel quite comfortable with my level of physical fitness, but also really like chocolate. The more I think of my body as a tool to allow me to walk, cycle, climb and get down on the floor and play with my toddler, the happier I am.
If you are following any slim/skinny influencers, unfollow them for now. If you like that sort of content, search for “mid-size” influencers. There are articles listing a bunch of them if you don’t want the leg work of finding good ones.
I personally find my body image improves when I do vigorous, difficult exercise. My body looks the same as it did last week, but I feel awesome because I’ve been consistent with Body Pump this week. I increased my weights in a couple of tracks! I am strong and powerful!
I agree with your second paragraph. I have an athletic body type, which I struggled with for years. Especially because my mom is thin with thin legs and that’s what I thought I wanted. The more active I am, the more I like my body. I’ve gotten to the point where most days I look in the mirror and think I look d-amn hot. I stopped comparing my body to others, including my mom’s, and appreciating it for what it does. I hope you can get back to being at peace with yours.
OP here. I am very active and outdoorsy and feel confident when I’m working out. It’s the rest of the time that poses the problem. Perhaps neutrality is the best I can hope for.
Fellow 10-12 here! I like Wardrobe Oxygen for this. She’s between a 10 and a 14 and 5’3″ish.
This actually sounds like the compulsive ruminations of an anxiety disorder. I would try that on for size instead of focusing on the body image part itself. The body image part seems like an avoidance strategy.
Sigh. You might be right. I feel like my anxiety has taken on lots of interesting iterations during the pandemic, and maybe this is the latest one. :/
I’m feeling the same way. After years of intuitive eating and making peace with my body, some old issues are flaring up again. I’ve talked with my therapist and attribute a lot of this to the stress of the pandemic and everything going on bringing back some old anxieties and habits and patterns.
Is this your regular size? If it is not, and even if you just gained a couple COVID pounds, buy clothes that actually fit and that you really feel good in.
I also realized I need a certain minimal amount of makeup to feel confident. I sleep w/ a CPAP and often have red spots on my face the next day. If I don’t put on a some concealer and do my eyebrows, maybe add a dash of lip tint, I feel horrible about my self image. If I can take the 2 minutes to make myself look what I consider presentable ( I hold no one else to this standard) my body image greatly improves.
If you are WFH, change out of your PJs every morning, even if it is to different lounge clothes.
Lastly, I surprisingly feel better in slightly fitted clothes. I’m an 8 and if a shirt or pants are really baggy I feel like I look a lot bigger than I am. If it hugs my hips/butt or boobs/waist (not constricting, just contoured) my self image improves like magic. I actually changed shirts this morning for that exact reason.
It’s pretty much my normal size. I have gained a bit of pandemic weight, but I swing between 10-12 depending on several different factors. I agree that contoured clothing is better than baggy.
I can sympathize, I have a very sturdy body type that is only seen on TV or in the press on female gymnasts. It’s an ongoing struggle, but I decided I am not going to let the patriarchy make me feel bad about myself, and that I am going to go to the beach, go hiking in shorts, etc., and not let anyone stand in my way. I can’t stand seeing women hide under wraps if they are not pretty enough or thin enough to get catalog work. That’s most American women.
Nervous to put this all out there but here it goes: I need to lose weight for my health, physical and mental. Doctors agree. I have PCOS and have struggled forever and always with my weight. I’m 5’8″, 210, 36 years old for reference. We’re really struggling with fertility right now, and while weight is not the ultimate issue, I’ve talked to my doctor about how losing weight in any amount will help. I am fundamentally an athlete at heart, currently a nearly daily Peloton-er, have run half marathons some time ago, but life + toddler + crazy job + genetics has me where I am.
I’ve historically had great success on WW – Type A me is good with plans and structure – but I sincerely struggle with them as a company and platform (not looking for a debate on that point). I’m looking for alternatives. I’m well versed in caloric deficits; I know how weight loss works at its core. I don’t want an elimination diet – sustainability is critical and I won’t commit to a life fully devoid of carbs or sugar. I’m also not mentally wired for intuitive eating. I’ve read the book. I know what it’s about and that it’s an amazing tool and mindset for so many, but my eating history proves I’m not wired for it, at least not at this point. I’d love it to be a “take out” from another method that gets me to a healthier range, if you will, when I’m in more of a maintenance mode.
What recommendations do people have? I’m keenly aware there’s no silver bullet, but would love to know if anyone else out there has suggestions for a 36 year old mom that, despite all she is grateful for, has kind of lost herself. Thanks in advance for your ideas and kindness.
I would read The Obesity Code. I just finished it and I found it really helpful for finally shattering many of the persistent myths I had about the “efficacy“ of caloric reduction diets. I practice intuitive eating myself, but I still was holding onto persistent myths/temptations and I found this book helpful to finally get rid of them. It also has practical advice that may be helpful to you, such as increasing your fiber intake and reducing snacking to help your insulin levels.
I came here to say exactly this. The book was life changing. I gained weight from a medicine I was on and my weight kept going up. I really wanted to stay on the medicine because it was working so I decided I needed to find another way to tackle the weight. After reading the obesity code I realized simple things like the sugar in my morning coffee were spiking my insulin. The only change I made was to when I eat. I eat between 11 and 1 and 4 and 8. During those hours, I can eat as much as I want. I even make exceptions for weekend breakfast but I still try to stick to roughly two full meals a day. I had been eating full breakfasts during WFH when I normally skipped breakfast due to time constraints. I’m down 7 pounds in two months with just those minor changes. I don’t think it will work like magic for everyone. My weight gain as I said was medication related (15 pounds).
I think everyone should read the book even if you don’t follow any of the “fasts” they recommend.
I want to add that my goal is to always have four hours between lunch and dinner. So if I do eat lunch late (at 1) then I try not to eat anything again until 5. If I eat an early lunch and know I’m going to have a late dinner, I “allow” myself snacks starting at 4.
How about sparkpeople? Like you, I’ve had good success with weightwatchers, but I understand that sparkpeople is basically a hacked, free WW. (I’ve never used it myself, however.)
This may be hokey to you, it works for me. Look up the No S Diet. No, it is not a diet. It is a reframe of how to eat: ie, 3 meals a day most days, not all days! There is too much to write. I am finding it to be super in tune with who I am, a person who truly enjoys eating.
+1 No S might work for your Type A orderly tendencies while still being sustainable long-term. It’s also free.
There’s a website/app that works similar to WW and the various plans they’ve had over the years – iTrackBites. If you find tracking points helpful and want to do that again, you can do that with just their free program, though they also have a paid version.
If you decide to go low carb/Keto (which I know many women with PCOS do), the Chronometer app is excellent. You can set your macros whichever way you want, and unlike MyFitnessPal, the nutritional information is accurate.
I second iTrackBites. Same concept as WW and cheaper. I’m on WW and many WWers left for iTrackBites recently due to the reasons you mentioned.
If you have PCOS I think there is evidence that low carb or low-GI really helps with the insulin-resistance that can make weight loss extra challenging. I don’t think you completely have to cut out carbs, but for me personally making substitutes (chickpea pasta instead of regular pasta, oatmeal instead of cereal, etc) has helped.
Noom
i have a blog suggestion – Runs for Cookies. she is a very real person. it is not a fancy blog. but it can be inspiring/helpful to see others in the same boat. she has used different strategies at different times – WW, calorie counting, intuitive eating, intermittent fasting, etc. i know you said you don’t want an elimination diet. as someone who also is not wired for intuitive eating and am very much an all or nothing person, i either have to count calories or do some kind of elimination diet (like whole 30 or keto) to get me jumpstarted. i’m in the same boat where i really need to shed some pounds, but am struggling
I’m not one for books or programs, but in case this helps: I lose weight when my life situation prevents snacking between meals and/or has a lot of structure. Whether that was working at a firm that had a rule that the only things permitted in your office were water, coffee, or tea (ostensibly to prevent pest problems) or times when I had a meal routine that I stuck to because I was out of the house a lot (not now, clearly) – that’s what worked. And I wasn’t trying to lose weight during those times, it just occurred.
So maybe if you have a home office/designated desk that you work from (not everyone does, I realize), try instituting a no-snacking-while-working rule?
When did you last do WW? If it wasn’t in the last five years you might want to look again. I found the water tracking, activity tracking, sleep tracking and ability to enter my own recipes for meals to be very helpful to my overall wellness. I haven’t found anything else as well rounded in terms of focusing sleep/ water/movement on lean protein, fruits and vegetables but also allowing all foods don’t buy their branded food at all. Insomnia contributing to overeating was a big issue for me.
Particularly since you mention PCOS and the fertility aspect, I strongly encourage you to look at Alissa Vitti’s books. There’s also an interview with her on Wellness Mama that was good, and, she’s got an app for her phone (which I haven’t tried so can’t comment on). She’s done some really good work on aligning your eating and workouts to your cycle, and making sure you are getting the nutrients you need at different points in your cycle to help your hormones stay in balance. She had PCOS so addresses that really well. Fun fact – did you know your metabolism speeds up in your luteal phase, so you need another 200-300 calories a day? (She recommends extra roasted sweet potatoes and veggies during that time, so that you’re not starving and then binge on cookies, etc.). Her stuff was life changing for me. (Another tip, while I’m at it – add magnesium and omega 3’s in the week before your period to reduce PMS).
I have “lean PCOS” and although I have never struggled with my weight, I follow a moderate-carb, low GI diet because the research shows that is the most effective diet for weight control and prevention of insulin resistance. IR is a very real problem with PCOS. Are you on metformin? If not, ask your doctor about that. It also substantially lowers miscarriage risk, as PCOS causes miscarriage rates of 30-50%. You don’t really need to go low carb, but understand that carbs are not going to do you many favors. I always eat carbs with a protein and a fat. Like toast with peanut butter, or crackers plus avocado, or oatmeal with chia seeds. It helps balance things out. Portion control is also very important.
Yes, I’m insulin resistant. I was only diagnosed as PCOS in the context of fertility treatments at ~32 years old when we were trying for kiddo #1. I legitimately cried upon diagnosis because I knew there was something wrong with me and it was such a relief to have it labeled and defined. RE put me on metformin during that round of treatment and I came off of it once we had a heartbeat. I was put back on it when we started treatment for #2 (18 months ago) and remain on it now. Whenever I’m done with treatments I’m going to talk to GP about whether or not I should be on it in general, and probably also find a new GP who would have recognized the PCOS symptoms (they. were. glaring.).
I forgot to mention, and you might already know this, but get your thyroid checked. There is a strong correlation between PCOS and Hashimoto’s. TSH above 2.5 increases miscarriage risk. For some reason, not all REs check for this- my first didn’t and sure enough I miscarried shortly after my TSH came back 4.8.
+1. My RE does check for this as part of their standard screening, and will not green light an IVF cycle until TSH is below 2.5 (mine was 3.7? i think? so we had to wait until the levothyroxine lowed it below 2.5 to start).
Yup, my TSH is consistently sub 2. It’s been a minute since it was tested so I guess re-testing is a worthy request, but no history of issues there.
My Fitness Pal is a great tool for tracking calories and nutrition. I like that you can enter your own recipes and calculate nutrition info. IME it sets calorie goals way too low to allow me to function as a human being and lose weight, so I always customize the goal.
I have had success with limiting my eating window (which some people disregard as intermittent fasting, but I disagree). Using the clock to police my consumption has been really helpful. I eat meals from X in the AM to Y in the PM, and once the last bite of dinner passes my lips, no more food for the day.
I also moved dinner earlier. I was gobbling half my pantry trying to assuage my rumbling stomach while waiting for it to be dinner time–so dumb! Clearly my body wants dinner earlier, so now I do what it wants.
People have talked here in the past about being a “limiter” or an “avoider” but I may be mis-remembering the terms. Basically, are you someone who can control your intake of certain categories, or do you need to avoid them entirely? Admitting your trigger foods is the only way to get your unwanted behaviors under control. I can limit myself to one or two cookies, but if potato chips are in the house, I will eat a party-sized bag in two days. I cannot have chips in the house, end of story.
I think it’s ‘abstainer’ vs ‘moderator’. I’m absolutely an abstainer. Much easier to not have cookies in the house via walking past them at the grocery store vs. only eat 2 a day and have them screaming at me from the pantry all week.
Also a woman with PCOS who has struggled with her weight. The most helpful thing for me over the years has been more protein than carbs; I still eat carbs, but fewer than I’d like. For example, I try to lean into beans and away from bread. Protein and fat also help me stay full longer. On two occassions when I have struggled more, I have successfully worked with a dietician who helped me re-focus and provided accountability.
Like you, I’m also addicted to the Peloton. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found adding weights to my workout routine have also helped me maintain my bodyfat at a level I find acceptable.
I think My Fitness Pal works the way WW works and has the structure you like.
Also, since you’re working with your doctor, I would think you’d be able to get an insurance-covered referral to a dietician, who would very likely give you the kind or rigid plan you like.
Ugh, I was basically you (minus PCOS) last year. 5’9, 36, 210lbs or so. I did weight watchers and am down 40 lbs since August. I struggled a lot with using them (mostly because I had to admit I was a middle aged lady in weight watchers!) but I did the digital only subscription and it worked for me.
I’ve tried so many other things that don’t work for me. I hope you find something that does!
I had success pre-COVID (but backslid completely this year) doing a lunch delivery of pre-made meals that had set calorie counts. I also kept the same breakfast everyday and treated myself to an afternoon latte many days. I tracked everything in MyFitnessPal. Then, only differ was up to me, and I had a really good sense of what had come in during the day and felt I’d really succeeded so dinner wasn’t as hard.
I plan to return to the office as soon as I’m vaccinated (+waiting period) and to try again.
I’ve modified my diet in small ways that I’m hoping will help me lose some weight – I am a very “rules” person but have never been on a diet.
I am only eating at meal time (breakfast, lunch, and dinner). Breakfast for me isn’t complete without OJ, but I only have 1/2 a glass. No snacks between meals or after dinner, unless it’s carrots or a piece of fruit. I cut the sweetened, condensed milk out of my morning tea (except on the weekends). I only eat dessert on the weekend. This is all pretty black and white, so it works for me. I’m only trying to lose 10 or so pounds.
Thoughts on the latest teaser for the Meghan/Harry Oprah interview!? Meghan says the palace had an “active role in perpetuating falsehoods” about her and Harry.
*gets out popcorn*
For people who claim to want privacy, but they seem to be pursuing press coverage. I also question their timing. The Royal Family had planned to have a TV special that night since the end of last year. Meghan and Harry’s interview airing on the same date makes it seem like they’re trying to divert attention/upstage. My sensitive side also feels like, I probably would not do this to my 94 year-old grandmother and 99-year old critically ill grandfather.
Publicly complaining (again!) is just a bad look for them and either no one has told them this or they haven’t listened.
I do kind of get why Harry hates the press, but this doesn’t seem to be complaining about the press. And if you want to leave being an active working royal and just do good works, then go out and live your life of service or write large checks (honestly, that second one is probably more of a real help) and quit having your “sussex royal” tweet out bickering responses to your family. It’s just a bad look and what we remember you for. Go on your way. Silence truly is golden.
My impression was that they’re trying to escape crazy press, not completely hibernate. But I am curious!
I’m pretty over Meghan and Harry for this reason. You don’t want so much attention? Then stop seeking it. I do think the press treated her terribly and the royal family has … issues. But they are not doing themselves any favors by “telling their side” over and over again.
Privacy is about consent though – sharing what you’re willing to have the world know about your life and not having other leak the rest.
I don’t think anyone as well known as them could ever not be in the news to some degree, so you might as well try to fight back against portrayals that paint you as being “right outta Compton” and “gangster.”
I think the royal family attempts to be ruthless at protecting their image. I’ll care about what they say about Meghan and Harry when they give Andrew the same level of attention and reaction. Hiding him does not count.
I like to think that hiding him means he’s actually been extinguished (like remember when you didn’t see USSR leaders in weeks and then it turned out that they had been dead all along?). Like a tragic horseriding accident.
+1
This. I was never a huge royalist, but any chance of me ever liking that family went down the drain when Meghan & Harry’s behavior was treated as worse than Andrew’s. No one in that family is perfect (M&H included lest you think I’m a fan), but who the family protects vs. who they feed to the wolves tells us a lot.
Didn’t we exhaust this yesterday?
I think people have had enough of the victim act and only M&H’s spin being told. I don’t see why the Palace would want to leak its own bullying coverup given that’s one of the major areas of Heads Together (mental health, etc). It sounds to me, actually, like BP covered up M&H’s poor behavior to protect them, and now that it’s coming out, everyone looks bad.
+1,000
I had the tiara drama before. I wonder if Harry was a treat when he was in the army (vs William seemed to do OK as a rescue pilot).
I truly cannot wait until there are ruling (not spousal) Queens in most countries with royals in the coming decades.
+2 so sick of them.
I think the royal family is garbage, and it’s very telling how they will go out of their way to attack a Black woman, and yet are totally fine with an accused pedophile because he’s the Queen’s favorite child.
They might be garbage, but it’s bad form if the local car magnate’s grandkid starts picketing the car lot for murdering the planet. Like grow up and make a change, don’t just whine from your mansion. For people with great privilege, we somehow do not expect great things from H&M (whining, self-serving promo shots, fawning articles about volunteering, yes; doing anything requiring heavy lifting, no).
True charity is anonymous.
Agree. For people who claim they want to live a life of public service, wtf are they doing from their mansion in California?
We were talking about Dolly a lot yesterday and by your measure she doesn’t do true charity because it’s not anonymous. Most charity in this world isn’t anonymous.
She actually does a lot of anonymous stuff. She just uses her fame to bring attention to certain issues like literacy or vaccines.
M/H brought a photographer to a cemetery when they went to lay wreaths. I was really rooting for them when they left but they seem kinda messy and random now. Is the interview promoting any charity work or just an airing of grievances?
Dolly isn’t thirsty for the spotlight the way these two are. Dolly does what Dolly does and it is relatively quiet (not ME ME ME). Dolly does it right and these two should take a lesson.
If M/H are just airing grievances, I’d appreciate it if they timed it to Festivus going forward.
Well, another distinction is between someone who is rich and famous due to what she’s done (Dolly) vs. people who are rich and famous simply due to who they are (royals). It’s understandable if more generosity and self-effacement may be expected of the latter.
The cameras at the wreath laying made sense to me because part of the point is helping veterans feel seen & heard. They can’t individually reach out to every veteran but can show solidarity publicly.
The bring-your-pap to the wreath-laying just bothered me. It seemed . . . performative? My state’s motto is the Latin for “to be rather than to seem” and if they quietly visited a VA home each week to talk to people living there (not really possible now, but in before or future times), that would be great. Or built wheelchair ramps for disabled veterans, also great. Or wrote a check but without getting lauded for writing a check (almost like there is an express quid pro quo). But this is not quite how to do it.
I wish that Ari Gold were real b/c someone that strong (and crazy and fictional) could stand up to them. But I think they don’t listen to people — I am sure they hire people with the right pedigrees but it’s probably hard not to be a Yes man and they may not listen to good advice.
Kinda looks like they covered up her bad treatment of staff though. It’s not like the people who quit were all
old white dudes.
At that level – the expectation is that emails are responded to immediately so her emailing staff at 5am is pretty shitty. If my boss emails me, I answer when I can. If the Minister emails me I answer immediately. No matter the day, time or place. That’s why he’ll have a bunch on auto send for 8am onwards.
I tried to find more info about her supposed bullying of staff and couldn’t find anything credible online. Do you have any details to share? It kind of seemed like an effort to smear her.
The Times broke the story yesterday and I trust their reporting. You can read the article there. They are as reputable as the NY Times. Not exactly the Daily Mail or something. Plus it was interesting that her statement did not expressly deny anything. I also heard that some people think M/H did the Interview to try and get out ahead of the allegations.
People are making a big deal about the fact that the Palace said they will investigate but employers there legally have to investigate bullying allegations. there was just an investigation of a cabinet minister that resulted in a big settlement to a civil servant. If anything the Palace does not look good here as well because it looks like they only started the investigation after it became public when they likely would have had a legal obligation to investigate as soon as the employees complained.
I also think about it this way – since she as 25 years old, The Queen has dedicated her life to her country. Whether or not you like her, at age 25 she vowed to devote her life to the service of her country – it was her duty, not a choice. She can’t vote, express personal opinions, be a normal person, retire, etc. and faces constant scrutiny. Sure, there are certainly perks, but I’m sure it’s exhausting and full of difficulties we can’t comprehend. To have given that level of service and commitment, and then have your almost 40-year-old grandson say that being 6th in line to the throne is just too much for him, I can’t imagine how you’d feel.
This is a valid point.
Especially when your 99 year old husband is having heart surgery at the same time as this is going on.
I thought it was odd that Meaghan referred to ‘the firm’. I get that the royal family is sort of a business as well but they are also a family and there are a few videos of Harry and the Queen together and they seemed to have a genuinely close and friendly relationship.
The firm is a known reference to the royal family. Don’t they often call themselves that?
Maybe? I don’t follow enough to know. Just seemed odd to say ‘the firm’ and not like ‘granny and dad’ or something.
Yes. It’s a thing, and not a Meghan thing.
Yeah, and I thought this time last year that despite all their (very real) struggles, they barely gave it a shot. They had less than two absolutely whirlwind years of being full-time royals before they gave up. The dust from the (massive!) life changes of getting married and having their first kid didn’t have a chance to settle, and they were out. To me, that’s an inability to separate their personal change and upheaval from the actual facts of their situation. Maybe it really was all wrong for them! But I don’t think they let themselves adjust enough to really see it objectively. And, as you say, that would be profoundly irritating to someone who has done the hardest version of their job, with no possibility of a break, ever, purely out of duty, for almost seventy years.
they = M&H, obviously, oops
It’s like they never saw Hamilton. And yet I know they did b/c they saw it in London and got to meet LMM. They threw away their shot. Fine, their choice. But pls shut up and go away — you can make the world a better place or whine; consider what your obits will say about you when you are gone (vs someone like Dolly Parton). Do you want to be “famous – but” or “famous – and”?
I get what you’re saying – 2 years is not that long. However, that makes me think that things must have been REALLY bad in their eyes. Remember, Meghan Markle had started the process of giving up US citizenship (I’m assumed that process has been stopped since their decision to step back) and converted to the Anglican faith. You don’t do that unless you’re serious about lifelong commitment.
And really, it was 2 years for Meghan. Harry’s been there his whole life. And in his speeches, he’s very clear that he was behind their stepping back, that was his decision to protect his family.
She was never giving up US citizenship. She was just acquiring UK citizenship. UK allows dual citizens. Not sure if she’d even be eligible now since she didn’t live there very long.
You can have dual citizenship – the Canadian lady (Summer Philips? Autumn Philisp – I can’t remember) who married Princess Anne’s son kept her Canadian citizenship.
I have a random question that someone here may have the answer too.
Does Harry have an American visa? Does he need one? Will he apply for a green card?
That’s actually an interesting question. As a British diplomat, Prince Harry can enter the United States on an A-1 visa; however, since stepping back from royal duties will mean he’s no longer classified as a diplomat, I’m not sure what kind of process they’re going to have to through. I know his plan was to not seek citizenship.
Is Harry really a diplomat though? He is part of the BRF but technically he is unemployed. At least our diplomats are W-2 employees of the state department (like I am sure we have rules for this, b/c when I lived in DC local police couldn’t do some routine things to legit diplomats (and maybe their families) but these rules didn’t apply to foreigners generally (even connected ones, like the nephews of so-and-so at Georgetown).
I kind of think he is at the point where he’d have to file a 1040 and IIRC there are some treaty exceptions but he is really outside what they are generally envisioning when they were drafted. I also think he’d need a green card to work (employed by an employer) here, so he could be getting paid by Oprah (I am sure they are getting $, even if it goes to their charity — charity accounting is a whole ‘nother thing sometimes) under the rules for 1099s (honorariums, etc.), but not as “wages” unless he has a green card.
Harry is not technically unemployed.
Watching too much 90 Day Fiance totally has me wondering the same thing? Does being married give him an automatic green card?
Green cards are not automatic. There is absolutely nothing automatic about them.
I would wait and evaluate the statement in context.
The thing Meghan said was probably in relation to the British press pool, which have an agreement with the palace to have access to the royals’ lives. It’s just certain members of the press. Some of those outlets violated rules they had in place for years when covering Meghan, and Harry asked the palace to intervene and got a No. I think that’s what it’s about.
I do think the press coverage of Meghan was horribly racist, and shame on the palace for declining to deal with that while they, as others have said, protect a known pedophile.
It’s a third party accreditation for the Royal Rota though so they can’t pick and choose which outlets cover the public events. They can invite extra people but not ban certain outlets. Obviously the British press was horrible and racist to Meghan but they can’t ban certain outlets from covering public events. Like if the White House banned CNN or Fox from the White House Press pool.
What are the rules they violated?
Any tips for mitigating a mattress that holds heat? My mattress gets so hot that even in the dead of winter with skimpy pajamas and the ceiling fan running I wake up soaked. Not menopause, and doesn’t happen in other beds. I removed the mattress protector to help it ventilate. Would a cooling topper help, or just trap more heat?
Get a real innerspring mattress with no memory foam.
It is innerspring, but I guess must have a memory foam layer. It certainly doesn’t feel like memory foam. I wish I could afford to replace it! It’s only 2 years old and my first time buying a mattress, so I didn’t even think to ensure cooling, etc.
If you wake up soaked it’s time to get a new mattress. Don’t bandaid this problem with a mattress topper. The newer mattresses all have cooling versions.
It is new – my first time buying a mattress and seems like it will be an expensive mistake. Sigh.
A new mattress as in a different one that doesn’t cause you this problem. Doesn’t matter how old your current mattress is if it clearly does not work for you.
I understood. Was just lamenting that I just bought this one and will now have to buy another – an expensive mistake.
I’d try moisture-wicking or cooling sheets before I’d buy a new mattress.
Are your sheets polyester or a poly blend? I’d try 100% cotton if they are.
How warm is your room? I’d try turning the heat down or running AC.
Did you recently change any meds? I ask because I recently switched to a new SSRI and the night sweats are terrible.
If not, then before ditching the mattress I’d try 100% cotton or linen sheets, sleeping at least topless, and getting another fan for your bedside table.
What is the heating situation in your room? One of our kid’s rooms has a register under the bed and we have to close it off all winter or her room becomes an oven.
ChiliPads help — they are flat pads above your mattress cover that run chilled water through thin tubes to cool you down. Game changer for me and worth the not-inconsiderable expense!
I’ve never heard of these, but will look into them! Thank you!
Our home has a cheapish wood dining room table (from Ashley Furniture) and 6 wood chairs with no cushions. When we first bought the table, I got cushions from Ikea which didn’t really fit but we made them work. I’d like to upgrade the cushions and also get a coordinating tablecloth – something I can wipe down as opposed to something that needs to be washed every time. I have a 4yo & 1yo, so it would get wiped down several times a day. Any suggestions on specific items, or just places to check out?
I’d work with someone on Etsy for this. Look up custom dining chair cushions and send some sellers messages/custom item requests explaining what you just wrote – you’d like a wipeable coordinating tablecloth and cushions. Then they’ll fit your chairs perfectly, and be exactly what you want! Likely they’ll be able to access a wider selection of fabrics, etc. Sounds like you might want oilcloth, but they may have some recommendations.
That is an excellent suggestion – I hadn’t even thought about Etsy!
Yes! Look for oilcloth tablecloths on Etsy. Pricey, but they will last forever and are perfect for little kids.
Personally I’d actually skip a table cloth in favour of having a piece of glass cut to fit. The plastic wipeabe table cloths never look or feel as good as the real thing so it’s best to find an alternative IMO.
Oh the other hand, spilled liquids easily flow between the edges of the glass and the wood table, requiring removal of the glass to allow it to try thoroughly lest the moisture destroy the wood. Ask me how I know.
I’m assuming spills are an at least daily occurrence with kids as young as OP’s, so this would be a big no for me.
And OP, I’d probably forego the tablecloth in favor of easy to clean placemats. Too easy for a yank on a tablecloth to send items careening off the table.
Some days corporate jargon makes me want to staple things to my own face. Every time my boss says “baked in” I die inside. “We’re going to bake this into the presentation” or “Make sure this is baked into the email.”
What is yours?
We work with someone who will review a document and replace every instance of the word “including” with “inclusive of.” So annoying and tedious to fix.
Also, “what’s the ask” in general and “I hope this email finds you well” during the pandemic specifically.
Ugh, one of my higher-ups says “I perceive” to make his “I think” statements sound…smarter?
“Make the ask” is my eyeball-gouging phrase. So, ask? You’re going to ask?
Eww, yes!
Ugh to “what’s the ask.” A particular favorite of lobbyists and funders.
“We have to right-size this.”
“It has to be scalable.”
“Let’s jump on a call” – there is no jumping involved
Jump on a call, hop on a call, flip you an email – we sound like acrobats.
Whoops, guilty. Even worse, I say “hop on a call” like some kind of Business Rabbit
Yep, guilty. I say “hop on a call” almost daily.
Now I’m picturing the Energizer Bunny in a suit.
“Individual” instead of “person”
“Inflection point”
“Circle back” (sorry, Jen!)
Also ‘resource’ instead of person.
And anything implying that ‘the market’ is sentient.
Lean in. I hate it in the workplace and everywhere else. “Let’s lean into that at the meeting. Lean into eating healthy.” ?
Crosswalk (compare) and socialize (share) are my top two. I’m a huge fan of plain language.
Socialize is the worst.
What strikes me is that many of these annoying terms began as terms of art and were then adopted into the business vernacular as more general terms. Like “crosswalk” means a specific type of comparison in my line of work, not just any old comparison. Or “resource” means a worker in project management, but shouldn’t be used as a generic term for “employee.”
Taking a pulse on something (we are not within five light years of a medical field), and the use of dialogue as a verb.
The use of calendar as a verb.
Ugh, dialogue as a verb is particularly annoying.
Anytime I hear “bellybutton” I want to hurl.
omg what does this mean?
People use it to talk about employee resources, like “We need two bellybuttons on this project.”
hahahahahaha thats horrendous
Ewwwww.
Oh Lord. You win.
No no no noooooo. I wouldn’t even know how to react, outside of an elementary school, to someone referring to another human’s bellybutton.
OMG, are your co-workers the Sandra Boynton hippos?
This is so awful and yet I am in awe that it exists.
That .. is really weird jargon.. and kind of funny. Thanks for sharing.
Do other industries have this? I’m a journalist and nearly every PR person, particularly the young ones, drop the subjects from their sentences. “Checking in to see if you’d like to talk with x.” “Followed your coverage for some time and thought you’d want to speak with.” Sometimes they manage to get multiple sentences in one email to have no subject. I assume it’s perceived as casual and chatty but I literally delete the minute I see it.
I’m in legal and I and others write like this at times. I try to catch it and go back and fix but it’s not uncommon for me to email a colleague “just checking, all set for tomorrow?”
This is how people talk in real life, though. Do you literally delete your friends when they do that?
People curse in real life too. There’s a difference between a formal business communication and casual conversation.
“Take this offline” meaning “stop talking about it”.
We are all remote. There is no way to actually take it offline unless you want to start sending me paper mail.
…please don’t send me paper mail.
“Verbiage”. Ugh.
Oh yeah, I keep hearing verbiage. It sounds so strange to my ears. Is that a regional thing?
In my area (finance/admin at a university), it’s used in place of “language” something written. As in, “I need to update the verbiage of that training manual”.
For one, it’s a dollar word when a 10-cent one will do, and secondly, it’s terrible and incorrect usage of said word. “Verbiage” is excessively wordy language, something I do my best to avoid in my writing.
A dollar word when a 10-cent one will do is an excellent phrase! That’s how I feel about the perceive/think thing I mentioned upthread.
oh my gosh – staple things to my own face – that OP is the winner of the day!
“Thought leader.” I HATE it. What was wrong with leader or innovator? They are perfectly fine words!!
Ah, I am in a commercial role i a corpo. I have plenty:
* spearheading this digital transformation
* socialize (share)*
* ping me
* how does this jive with you/your numbers
* let’s put our enterprise hats on
* let’s doubledown our efforts (in my language, this is counterintuitive)
* agile
* nimble
Ugh, yes to agile and nimble in particular. Adding … pivot. *shudders*
Weird Al Yankovic has a fantastically funny song about this topic:https://youtu.be/GyV_UG60dD4
When did marketing material become “collateral”? That one makes me crazy!
Holding the space
Does anyone feel like their career never lived up to what they hoped so now they’re generally unmotivated? I don’t mean during this pandemic I mean long term.
9 years in biglaw, worked incredibly hard but if I’m being honest there are only 2 years I really loved — years 4-5 — where you were experienced enough to get to handle things yourself but before all the senior/making partner politics set in. Left there and landed in government where I really just don’t like the work in my job but haven’t been able to move around so I stay for the good pay, easy schedule etc. I know I had bigger dreams coming out of my ivy education but now 16 years out of law school, IDK what they even were. All I want to do is quit and start over in a business job (likely consulting) so maybe I could feel the “thrill” of hard work paying off with promotions etc OR quit corporate life altogether and buy a business (not law or consulting – I’m talking a non professional business like a franchise) and deal with the day to day issues of that but have something that is MINE where promotions etc don’t matter. Thoughts? Anyone feel similarly – how did you move past it?
Not in law, but in a field that rewards jumping around (tech) and I’m geographically stagnant due to caregiving. It’s so frustrating to see my low bank account, paltry retirement, and know that if I had been able to move around, I would have a senior title and great pay.
GD I hate my phone. Hit enter by accident, then ended up closing the browser.
Rest of comment: I am pinning a LOT of hope on the pandemic making my field more open to fully remote positions. Tech was already supposed to be leading the way in that, but I wasn’t really seeing the results. Now things seem to be picking up, but only time will tell if it holds.
IDK — if I came into some $ I’d probably open a McDonald’s franchise b/c they seem to rarely fail and I am not likely to eat my profits :)
But the kids I know who did the best as adults seemed to all work in a family business and I am a hard worker but like to just work and not have to write client alerts.
On the one hand – yeah, teenage me thought I was destined for great things in my chosen field, and I held on to that starry-eyed dream for many years after my degree. On the other hand – the more I came to realize that I wouldn’t make it to the top of that pyramid scheme, the more I also realized that both the path to get there and likely the reality of being at the top would make me unhappy and was just a baaaad fit. So I let go of that dream and get to have a job where I enjoy what I do, most of the time. I am now one of those people who ‘got out’ of the field and always shout from the sidelines ‘you have other options! It’s great out here!’.
Same, except I’m in house and at my fourth company, so I’ve moved around enough to know that the grass really isn’t greener on the other side and now have no idea what to do. I’ve looked into franchises, but I’m reluctant to have an employee-heavy business that also would mean a significantly reduced pay for me, at least in the first few years. I think I’d like consulting, but I’m not sure I’m ready to make that leap or that I’d even know how to find a good consulting job. So yeah, no suggestions, just commiseration.
Also in a similar situation, with ivy credentials and now about 15 years out of law school with no clear plan for what I want to do next. At a small law firm now with FT WFH (which is awesome) but I don’t see this as a forever job. One thing I have been doing is shoring up my network and reaching out to contacts on Linkedin for calls/zoom. I figure that will be helpful no matter what I end up doing longer term.
so you remind me of the poster years ago who was frustrated her gov’t coworkers wanted to discuss salsa recipes rather than like, constitutional theory.
It sounds like you want to get a lot of stimulation out of your job. Maybe government isn’t for you. Maybe you should try to go back to a firm as Of Counsel or similar so the partner politics aren’t as dramatic.
Or maybe you need to find a way to move that stimulation to hobbies or community involvement.
Ha! Jinx!
Agree
I stay in my job for the good pay and good schedule, and find my fulfillment elsewhere: my marriage, doing house stuff, and a LOT of community service.
+1000
Question for those who feel this way – what advice would you give a law student or pre law student to avoid feeling like this in 10 or 15 years? It seems like people have tried all types of jobs and still feel like this.
Ha! Don’t go to law school!
Not even kidding.
+1
Second this. Also not kidding.
Thirding – not kidding either!
Sometimes I wonder if this feeling is just natural for people who are drawn to law school. Law tends to attract Type A overachievers who have done “the right thing” to be successful their whole lives.
I had a moment a few years ago when I decided to step off the achieve-achieve-achieve treadmill, so naturally I’m not some Super Important Person at a big firm or something. After a lifetime of being told I was going to be a smashing success, it’s been a weird adjustment. I’d never really reflected on what I truly wanted to do, as opposed to thinking about how to be “the best” at something.
All this is to say, I wish I hadn’t gone to law school. I think the way to avoid feeling like this 10-15 years down the road is to be really really really really honest about what you want in a career and why you want it. Frankly, I’m not sure that a lot of 22-year-olds who have bought into the achievement culture have all the introspection tools needed for this type of honest examination. I know I wasn’t able to do it until I was into my 30s.
+1
What do you wish you had done instead?
I think I should have probably done something like project management. In my dream world, I’m a novelist living on the Oregon coast.
Because it’s not about the job, it’s about the expectations for your life. Get to a place of acceptance that 99% of the people here will be “average” people instead of world-beating trailblazers, and you’ll be OK.
“I like being mediocre. I sleep better.”
Only go to law school to do a very specific thing (IP litigation; government water regulation) that is something that you can actually do when graduating (i.e. working at the ACLU cannot be the only specific thing you want to do, if you want to do that you need to *also* really want to work as public defender handling 100s of routine drug enforcement cases). Then, focus what you do in law school on that one thing (classes, clinics, clubs etc.). Then do that thing.
Also – the thing you want to do cannot hinge on graduating top of your law school class. There is a curve and not everyone can be on top of the curve. Definitely try to graduate top of your class but if you want to be a big law litigation partner you also have to *really* want to be a small law partner in the case that you don’t get a big law job.
Relatedly, remember when you go into the private practice of law, you are consenting to be a business owner. Make sure you (a) know what that entails, and (b) are okay with doing that.
i don’t think this only happens to law or pre-law students, but it is more common bc so many people go to law school because they don’t know what else to do and bc of the huge disparity in compensation across the legal field. generally i would say be more intentional about career choice and even within a career, job selection. for example, if you are someone who values having a generally predictable schedule, big law is not going to be a good fit for you, but that doesn’t mean there are no jobs in law that are necessarily a good fit. also, look at numbers and have a secondary goal (which might change). let’s say you go to law school with the goal of becoming a judge, or making partner at a top firm, well most of the people who start out at top firms don’t make partner, though some do, if you can’t achieve that one thing, is there another law job you might like.
Totally relate. I was supposed to be the next Christiane Amanpour, my whole town agreed, and instead I ended up a kinda washed up without a ton of direction. It happens.
Same, except I predate Amanpour and had to look back to Marguerite Higgins Hall. Eventually, I just had to think of journalism as my first career that suited me for about 15 years, but was not what I would do forever.
Incidentally, my friend in consulting has been feeling the same way about buying and running a small business.
Our state opened up vaccines for childcare providers. My coworker just told me that he’s going to make an appointment, since he’s a child care provider too since he’s a dad. (He’s a full time attorney with two kids. His wife is a SAHM). I’m so tired, I don’t think I will ever look at people the same way, and I feel like an idiot because it seems like there a lot of people cutting the line while I just wait my turn.
I mean, is this guy a dingbat or is this really a sneaky workaround that will get him the vaccine? It’s not ok, but maybe he’s dumb enough that he thinks he qualifies
Not a dingbat. Vaccinations site here are inconsistent in checking paperwork, and he’s been talking to friends about which sites don’t check. (To be clear, I don’t think the answer is requiring paperwork, which I think would discourage a lot of childcare providers. I think the answer is people doing the right thing and, well, you know).
He is justifying jumping the line. He knows it and doesn’t care, as long as he gets his.
I assume he’ll get it because with so many places offering it now he’s bound to find one that’s loose on the requirements. I will say I do laugh when people have these grand plans and get turned away only to wait their turn — like a post here earlier about a lawyer who decided she was law enforcement/a street cop only to get turned away 3 times. I’m in a county where teachers and childcare were head of the line practically with the 75+. The county was incredibly strict about what that meant – if you didn’t show up with your badge from school/daycare you were turned away, no questions asked.
i literally laughed out loud reading this. quite the interpretation of childcare provider
Only a man would do this.
Going from “babysitting my children” all the way to “qualify as childcare provider”. That is some mediocre white guy energy.
lol this is like Amelia Bedelia levels of interpretation.
hahaha, love this.
My department gets together on a quarterly basis to hear from our C suite leader. They do associate recognition during that time. I feel bad about this, but I find myself feeling increasingly bitter during these recognition parts. It’s not even that I’m not nominated (okay, it’s partly that), but it’s that many of the winners win for such average deeds. It’s a mix of men and women who win, but I can’t help but feel like most of the winners are just “average males.” Then they get the spotlight in front of 1,000 people for literally just doing their job. It just leaves me feeling confused, bitter, and then ashamed for feeling bitter. Has anyone experienced this? Am I just being awful and jealous?
My department does this too. It’s made it so clear the kinds of work that leadership values and it’s not the kind of work I do. It seems like a small thing but it stings.
I’ve seen this too and eventually I realized there are some managers who will nominate literally anyone on their team for anything, and some otherwise good managers who just can’t be bothered to nominate. It’s like a participation trophy, but someone has to keep telling management you participated.
We have a new system that allows us to give “shout-outs” to people for doing good work. It seemed like a great idea at first, but it’s being heavily used by just a few individuals who want to give shout-outs to people for doing their basic jobs. Others aren’t using it at all. The people I work with don’t use it much and I’m a little bitter that I haven’t gotten a shout-out for doing a kick*ss job on a huge, important report while others are getting it for “thanks for taking notes on that call!” and “good job finishing [minor task] on time!” Since we were specifically told that this will factor into our performance reviews, it’s more than just a little annoying.
If you praise other people on it maybe they’ll return the favor.
I do. So far, I’ve gotten just a handful of shout-outs since the system has been up, even though I get praised in private and I’m confident that I’m doing really great work on this one particular project. I’ve noticed the same thing for two other really strong employees. They’re my go-to people to work with since they’re so stellar, but they have very few shout-outs. I think we’re being taken for granted a bit, honestly.
This is why I don’t attend those meetings.
For those of you who’ve been there: what kind of perimenopause symptoms did you have? I’ve been more fatigued than usual (seeing cardiologist next week) but it JUST occurred to me it could be peri. I’m 45.
I felt like I struggled to avoid packing on weight and packing them on my stomach. Like I was sprinting in the fitness / diet department just to maintain / not gain weight and yet my stomach and waist expanded to where my clothes don’t fit.
File under . . . shapeshifting?
OP – god yes
I said this the other day, but you don’t see any pear shaped old ladies.
This is the way.
Do you know when your Mom went through menopause? That can sometimes correlate with when you will.
But if you have something going on that is sending you to a cardiologist, it is unlikely that is perimenopause.
For me, I have noted hot flashes, mood swings, vag dryness, fatigue/sleep disturbances and weight gain, and some crazy mood swings that I never had with my cycles in the past. My brain is not as good, but honestly this has been a slow decline throughout my 40s I fear.
I complained that a little bit of exercise / strength training made me extremely fatigued and needing midday naps and my primary told me to go to a cardiologist. My T waves on my EKG were abnormal but she wasn’t sure if that was “normal” for me.
My mom and grandma both went through peri early (mid40s) but one was on a severe calorie restriction diet and the other was going through chemotherapy and/or radiation.
Did you have COVID?
Consider having your thyroid checked? Low thyroid can give you fatigue.
Also, I wouldn’t put too much faith in the accuracy of EKGs taken by primary care docs. My partner got an EKG in the ER, was convinced he had massive heart damage based on the EKG, went to a cardiologist who basically laughed and told us that there’s an art to placing EKG leads and non-cardiologists are often not that great with it. Partner’s heart was totally fine.
OMFG Governor Cuomo’s statement yesterday. I just cannot. I wonder if Al Franken is thinking now why’d he have to resign and Cuomo doesn’t have to.
This isn’t over. My money is on a resignation.
Does anyone know if LinkedIn gives you a default connection? I’m setting up an account for my husband (at his request) and it is showing a single connection, but nothing comes up when you click through.
Like Tom from MySpace! (Sorry, I don’t know the answer to your question, but that’s where my head went.)
I also thought that!
Maybe a profile is connected to itself?
Has anyone gone from in-house back to a law firm at a counsel or partner level? I’d honestly never considered this because I don’t have a book of business and I hated being a junior associate, but I’m starting to get calls from recruiters and I am so freaking bored in-house that I’m thinking that the more sophisticated and interesting work at a law firm might be worth the move.
I was also bored in house and moved to a federal attorney role since I also hated being at a firm. It is great except for the huge paycut I took. I was a litigator before going in house and was able to jump back into litigation, which I find much more interesting and challenging than reviewing contracts. Good luck!
Remember all the things you hated about being a junior associate and think about if that is worth it to not be bored. Add to that increased responsibility and work load, less free time, and having the wisdom this time around to know now that you’re doing your job well and are actually being mistreated. Also, do you want to be a salesman? Because that’s a skill you need to grow your book.
Honestly, you probably just need to find an in-house job that is more suitable. There are plenty that aren’t boring and are quite challenging (especially companies in new markets or the technology sector).
+1
What type of work do you do in-house? Not all in-house jobs or companies are created equal. Is it boring because they send all of the interesting work to outside firms? If so, look for a company that doesn’t. Is it that you are a generalist in your role now? Then consider moving to a specialty. Is it that you miss litigation? Then look for government work or consider moving to a company that does all of their litigation in-house. Of course, if you really do miss being at a firm (which some people do), then explore that!
If you didn’t have a book of business developing before you left, I would take that as a sign that a run for partner isn’t going to be a good fit. Can you look for challenges outside your job?
This is a bit oversimplified, I think. There are lots of factors that could mean developing a book now, at a different firm, might be possible even if that book was only a pipe dream before, at her previous firm.
Think about the reasons these firms might want you and figure out if your interests line up. Generally, to be successful in a firm you need to generate business not “just” be a good lawyer. Would your current company send you business if you were a partner in a firm? Do you have connections at other companies that would give you business?
Counsel roles are a bit different. There is usually a lower hours and business development expectation, but also lower pay. It’s not a bad gig if you can negotiate something that works for you and the firm. Do the firms that are recruiting you specialize in your industry and they want your insider experience even if you don’t bring a dime to the table?
A few months back someone recommended an at-home permanent laser hair removal product. Any chance you guys remember the name?