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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wrap Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This wrap blazer keeps coming in and out of stock, and I think it's interesting enough that it's worth sharing even though all the sizes aren't available right now. I love the asymmetrical buttons and lapel — and although I'm not really one who likes shiny brass buttons, I kind of do here. Those pockets actually look functional, too, and because this is Smythe, you know the tailoring will be amazing and the fabric will be substantial. I think it's very chic and I really like the look of it. The blazer is $695 at Shopbop and is also at Saks and Amazon. Wrap Blazer A couple of lower-priced options are at Neiman Marcus and Shopbop. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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355 Comments

  1. Hoping for some help — I have had to wear glasses regularly for several years now but have not had much luck wearing contacts because my eyes get very dry after 3-4 hours of wear. Is this something my eyes will get used to with time or are there other tricks I should be aware of? Certain brands of contacts, solutions, or drops that have worked well for anyone? I don’t mind wearing glasses some of the time, but it bums me out to have to wear them all of the time at my age (late 30s). Thank you!

    1. Have you tried dailies? Potentially having to switch them out every day might help. There are also contacts with a higher water % than others that I would ask your optometrist about.

      1. Yep, this. If you tell them about this when you book your appointment, they might be able to set aside a couple of samples for you. I switched to Accuvue Oasis dailies and don’t have dryness issues anymore.

      2. Dailies work well for me. In addition, make sure any eye drops you use come in individual vials. The preservatives in the bottles make them less effective.

      3. I used to wear regular contacts, and then they started getting dry and irritated. Switching to dailies made a huge difference for me.

      4. Dailies also made a huge difference for me once my eyes decided they were done with the 2-week kind.

      5. Agree about switching to dailies. It feels so good to put in brand new contacts every day. Even though I was diligent about keeping my 2-weekers super clean, they always started to feel uncomfortable after a few days.

    2. My friends who wear contacts like Visine. There is a contact specific one.

      FWIW, I’ve been wearing glasses all the time since I was 8 years old and now I’m 23. Glasses aren’t just for old people.

      1. I would avoid Visine – even the one for contacts. I have always used Refresh or Systane. I’ve had contacts for years and these by far are the most moisturizing.

    4. Have you considered RGPs (hard lenses)? Hard lenses don’t get dry the way soft lenses do because oxygen can enter through the hard lens. When I wore soft my eyes would get incredibly dry, but I can wear hard without any problem. It’s definitely an adjustment to make the switch but I’ve been extremely happy with my hard lenses.

      1. +1 to this. Also, RGPs can be custom beveled by a skilled practitioner, which can get you a much better fit than the various “soft” lens options.

      2. When I wore contacts all the time, I wore RGPs. I tried soft lenses, but they just stung my eyes all day long. The optometrist told me that I had pretty dry eyes and that there are specific types of soft lenses for this, but I just decided to stick with the RGPs.

        They last a long time, too, even if the initial investment seems high. If my prescription didn’t change, I could use mine for years.

      3. I love my RGPs. Hey are sometimes regarded as old fashioned but mine are custom fitted to my eyes, are imported from Germany and are so easy to look after. I change solution each night and do a protein soak once a week. The key thing is to try different solutions until you find one you are happy with.

        A new optician recommended a new solution and I scoffed, but it really suited me. Turns out they aren’t all equal. Now i change as required.

    5. I have similar challenges and have had good luck with the Total 1 Dailies, which have a really high water content so they don’t dry out as quickly.

      Also, Systane eye drops are much more lubricating than regular visine or saline.

      1. +1. And if your eyes are especially dry, get a nighttime eye drop gel for your eyes – it’s like putting a heavier moisturizer on your face before bed. (I think Systane makes it, but can’t swear by it.)

    6. I have very dry eyes and have worn contacts daily for the past 18 years. Here’s what helps:
      1. Acuvue Oasys. I change mine out every two weeks; there may be dailies as well. I don’t know what it is about Oasys but they made a huge difference when I changed to them from regular Acuvue about 7 years ago.
      2. Eyedrops. I use the Refresh brand. They’re single use, as preservatives in non-single use drops irritate contacts.
      3. For solution, I use ClearCare. I had used OptiFree for about 15 years but they started to bother me. According to my eye doctor, ClearCare has fewer preservatives and therefore tends to be less irritating. The downside to ClearCare is that it takes 8 hours for the hydrogen peroxide solution to wear off, so you can’t take your lenses out for an hour or two and put them back if you use that solution.
      4. Let your eyes breathe. I hate wearing glasses outside, but I’ll generally switch to glasses early in the evening when I get home, and I’ll wear them around the house on weekends just to give my eyes a little break.
      5. Allergies? This may not apply to you but my seasonal allergies affect my eyes. Clarinex each night really keeps the itchiness at bay.
      I was 10 years old when I started wearing contacts, and I remember increasing the time I wore them gradually.

    7. I really struggle with this. I have a strong prescription and astigmatism, so my contact lenses are actually quite thick which makes it uncomfortable. Dailies and eyedrops help me get through a few hours. I can’t wear them any longer though.

    8. Ask your optometrist about treatment for dry eyes. Mine gave me some suggestions that have helped.

    9. All of busybee’s advice helps me. Some of my family who have autoimmune dry eye have also tried astaxanthin, but to me it looks like the research that it helps is preliminary at best. But maybe you can get a placebo effect from salmon if you keep it in mind!

    11. Acuvue Oaysis contacts and Clear Care solution usually work for me, plus occasional rewetting drops. ClearCare makes a big difference in irritation for me. The only annoying thing is they have to soak for I think 6 hours, so you’ll also need to keep regular saline solution around in case they need a quick rinse.

    12. I get allergic to contact lens solutions so I have to switch often. It manifested in dry and irritated eyes. I now use the version that is hydrogen peroxide (Clean & Clear? I use the generic version) since all that is left in the end is saline solution (but you have to leave it in the case for 6 hours or overnight. Might be worth a try. Otherwise second the recommendation to do dailies – that also takes care of the problem of lens solution allergy if that’s what it is.

  2. I’d like to email an executive in my company to meet for coffee. I attended an executive rountable where he was the main speaker and the topic was managing your career. I’m fairly junior and new to the company and would like to network, etc. I’m struggling with the wording of the email and subject line. Any suggestions? Also the rountable was back in April so I’m a bit hesitant due to the timing. It’s been a crazy summer!

    1. I would send the email to his EA and ask him/her to determine his availability. I work at a Fortune 50 company and it’s not appropriate here to email an executive directly, unless of course he said it was okay (at your round table in April). Also, you’re more likely to get a response if you send it to his EA.

      1. I would actually get a “yes” from the Executive first. Email him (subject line can be something like “Introduction”) and ask if he would be willing to meet with you and say you can work with his EA to find a time if so. The issue with asking his EA first, is she is probably going to ask him if she should put you on his calendar. FWIW, most of the execs at the Fortune 50 company I worked at would be happy to say yes, although it might take them a while to get back to you.

        1. Yes, agree with this. It is not across the board inappropriate to email an executive directly. And not all executives have someone else manage their calendar.

      3. +1 for the subject line I would say “1 on 1 Career Discussion” and then in the body say something like
        “I was in a career managing round table with Executive in April and would like to continue the discussion with them. Do you know if Executive would be available to meet with me over coffee for a half hour sometime this month?”

      4. I recently did this with a government higher up!

        Similar situation – had a round table meeting, he said we could reach out, I emailed him directly, he said yes and pointed me to his EA, figured out date/time/logistics with the EA, met him last week, sent him a thank-you email directly

        1. I was really unsure about the subject line so this is what I ended up going with, that apparently worked. He appreciated that I reached out because he said very few had.

          “Hello! (Graduate student intern interested in “his speciality”) “

    2. RED FLAG. DONT BE A STATISTIC. MEN PREY ON UNSUSPECTING GALS LIKE YOU. BRING A FRIEND RATHER THAN MEETING HIM ALONE!

  3. Trigger warning: pregnancy loss

    Any recommendations for non-maternity tops or dresses that really, really hide a baby bump? I am suffering a “missed” miscarriage at 7-10 weeks. I still look very pregnant. My normal clothes don’t fit and my maternity clothes are bodycon, but the last thing I want right now is to look pregnant. I currently own the Karen Kane Sophie Dress and that works but I have nothing else.

    Any suggestions? I mostly buy used clothing, so I don’t even know where to start looking. Size 6-8, narrow shoulders, no hips, 34G. No budget.

    2. I don’t have any shopping advice, but am sorry for your loss. Wishing you all the best.

    5. I’m sorry for your loss. I might try some slightly larger than usual non-maternity clothes with little shape. Men’s dress shirts are sometimes useful since they are straight, no darts or anything.

    6. I’m really sorry. I would wear looser tops with pants – look for Pleione tops on Nordstrom Rack. Fit and flare dresses might work well.

      1. I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

        I have several of these Pleione tops from there and they’re reasonably good quality for the price, and should hide relatively well.

    7. I am very sorry. I have been there , and it is so hard.

      I wasn’t sure if no budget meant no money or money isn’t a. If consideration. If $138 isn’t out of the budget and you are somewhere it is warm right now, I’d suggest the Eileen Fisher Dot Printed Cotton A Line Dress. EF also has a lot of casual boxy dresses that hide the midsection, but this one is somewhat fitted through the shoulders and chest and then has a flare. The cotton voile fabric doesn’t cling. It’s versatile. I wear it out and about with flat sandals and to the office with low heel sling back pumps. And again, I am so sorry for your loss.

    8. I would suggest layers. So pants/skirt with a looser blouse topped with a blazer or cardigan. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    9. I’m so sorry. I had the same thing happen last year and it was devastating.

      For tops, try NYDJ – available at Amazon, Nordstrom and Nordstrom Rack. The “pleat back blouse” comes in a ton of prints and shades and helps conceal a bump. On Amazon I would just search for “NYDJ blouse.”

    11. 1. I know it’s pretty warm in most places now but layers help a lot. Try a blouse with a thin but flowy cardigan.
      2. When you get tops, look for the word “pleated” or “pleat neck” these have a couple of pleats near the neck area and they flow down and skim the belly area.
      3. I normally dont wear shapewear but suggest getting something like a corset to help your stomach muscles get back into shape after being a bit stretched out. Also it’s a good idea to use moisturizer on the stomach to help with skin elasticity.
      I’m sorry for your loss.

  4. How much of your career satisfies your passions? I keep reading books and blogs telling me not to settle until I find my passion at work, but I don’t see why anyone would pay me to do any of the things I am passionate about.

    Im feeling grumpy about capitalism today, I guess, and the idea that we must monetize every skill and every moment. Thoughts?

    1. Why are you wasting your time reading those books and blogs? My career is just fine. I’m good at it, the pay is enough to support me, and I like it. I don’t have some big grand passion. I just want a nice life and good friends and family to share it with.

      1. +1

        My passions are sleeping and TV. Nobody is paying me to do those things. My job is fine and that’s all I need.

    2. Mine does in the sense that the mission is my passion, not the work itself. I am a very ethical person and I could not stomach working for a corporate enterprise so I made a very calculated decision to look for only good jobs and I found one. I will be holding on to this one until I find another equally responsible job.

      1. A corporate enterprise is just a form of doing business in. There is nothing inherently ethical or unethical about it. I can be a bad sole proprietor. If I incorporate my business, that doesn’t change things. Just like being a non-profit. It’s a tax status, not a business model. They can be filthy rich (NYU) and still come begging for $, exploit their workers, or be fantastic (sometimes all of the above).

        Being a nonprofit (which is also a corporation) does not create a halo.

        1. +1 – makes me think about a date that a friend went on where the guy went on and on about how he thought about going to law school, but decided he was just too ethical. Friend is a lawyer.

      2. This post was super condescending. Please don’t talk like this to people irl.

        1. I wasn’t trying to be condescending. I used to work for big evil corp myself, I know how it is needing a pay check. I don’t judge anyone for having these jobs, because again people have bills to pay. I just could not do it anymore and I needed an out.

          1. No….the condescending part was lumping all corporations as evil. They aren’t. Corporations are ethically neutral. People within the organization can be unethical and when they are the executives, that’s a problem. And the more people you have in an org, the more likely you are to have some unethical/ethically ambiguous ones. And it’s a bad dichotomy to set up (Big Evil Corp vs Saintly Small Business). The point was, individuals or not-profits can be as ethically troublesome as a large corporation.

            I work for a large, global corporation. I believe in our mission statement and think we have good leadership with patient interests at heart. Yes, we make decisions based on money (because that’s just rationale), but the bottom line isn’t the only consideration.

      3. Same. I’m passionate about the mission of what I do. I love parts of my job (said mission, connecting with like-minded individuals, helping people pursue their own dreams and passions, public speaking, one-on-one mentoring). But other parts of my job are a complete slog (endless emails answering the same 3 questions, wrangling disparate stakeholders, departmental politics, idiosyncratic data management system that I’m somehow in charge of despite having no background in IT or programming).

        I think there’s a balance between passion:practicality that everyone needs to strike for themselves. I wouldn’t be happy as a corporate cog, and situated myself on the job market accordingly–but of course there are tradeoffs. I make less money. Our unit exists in an increasingly resource-scarce environment. Due to credentialing arms-races I need a PhD to advance in my career. Having the love for the mission is what keeps me going and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but it’s not all sunshine and roses, either.

    3. I LOVE my job, but I’m not passionate about it. If they weren’t paying me, I wouldn’t be here. Consider more your enjoyment of your job rather than your “passion” for it. Things that make me love my job include– the people I work with, the work I do that capitalizes on my skills, the freedom/flexibility of my role, the work-from-home aspect, etc.

    4. I think this advice is extremely silly and you can happily ignore it! Plenty of people have passions that no one wants to pay them for (for whatever reason) and plenty of people would rather prefer to pursue their passions outside of a job.

    5. Mari Andrew on Instagram had a post about this today, to the effect of “Choose a job that you love and you’ll kind of work all the time.” Food for thought.

    7. Sometimes being forced to do the thing you are passionate about just to keep yourself fed, clothed, and sheltered is enough to quell the passion. There’s a reason why we often support creators with systems like patronage, stipends, tenure, advances, and so on; many people can’t sustain the passion if it feels too transactional. (If you need other things to read, maybe read about the construction of medieval cathedrals and think about how physical and psychological security, working for basic necessities, and working for passion intersected there.)

      Back to our own culture, the idea that work should be fulfilling, something you love, or something you are passionate about is often problematically gendered IMO.

      1. It’s also problematically elitist, as discussed in the fantastic book Do What You Love: And Other Lies About Success and Happiness. This author points out that “follow your passion” automatically excludes everyone who does menial labor, on which society completely relies. Who has a passion for cleaning toilets? Who has a passion for collecting trash? But we need people to do these things. Do their passions just not count?

        Meanwhile, the concept spurs everyone in higher SES categories to work for lower and lower compensation, including for free. Because we’re supposed to be so “passionate” about our work that we lose sight completely of what we tangibly earn from it. This is especially rampant in creative industries, where so many people’s “passions” lie.

        The conclusion is that we need to keep a firm focus on work being for pay, period.

        1. Really good points, on both fronts! I have been a laborer in both categories. Both are hard, for different reasons. Now that I’m in my late ’30s and have experienced a major period of burnout (for real burnout, not just a few weeks of feeling off), I am extremely suspect of the “follow your passion” advice. I’m trying hard to start viewing work as what I do, not who I am. There are enjoyable aspects of my job, but there’s plenty that I slog through because it pays the bills. I’ve also learned that WHO I work with is just as important as what I’m doing.

    8. Well, it satisfies me in that I like what I do and feel awesome when I have a “win” at work. But it’s not “my passion,” it gives me the flexibility and money I need to pursue my passions outside the office. If I was toiling away at this from dawn ’til dusk every day, and barely had time to do anything fun (or couldn’t commit to anything due to unpredictable fluctuations in my workload) that would be a problem.

    9. Don’t listen to this BS. I wouldn’t work if I didn’t have to because people don’t pay me for the things I’m passionate about, and anecdotally, I’ve heard that following your passion in work can backfire (e.g. I know someone who is passionate about beer brewing who got a job at a brewery and got incredibly sick of all things beer). My only goals in a job are decent pay, decent atmosphere, and excellent work-life balance.

    11. That advice is very juvenile, in my opinion, and is not well thought out or realistic. It is an elite outlook, that was popular in the ….1990’s? But is a disservice if you pass it along to your children.

      If I followed my passion, I would be a professional classical violinist. I would be struggling for jobs, would most likely have to settle with being a second rate violin teacher instead of a soloist with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. And if my path followed that of my other musician peers….. soon my passion would dissipate as I got burned out after playing Handel’s Messiah for the nth time. So I would eventually dislike my passion….

      I choose work that inspires me, makes an impact on society and surrounds me with driven and intelligent people. I am in medicine, and I feel extremely luck. It is NOT my passion, and if I did not have to earn an income I would be a volunteer for a dozen organizations that work with the poor. Instead, I follow my passions in my precious free time.

    12. My career satisfies my passion to be challenged, make a good salary to support my family, and contribute to my company, but I am not particularly passionate about my company itself. I satisfy my passion through volunteer work on my own time. My job is flexible enough that I can do some of this on my lunch break too. I think the concept of needing to love what you do for a job is ridiculous. Yes, some people do love what they do, but we also need people to process insurance claims, review boring contracts, clean port-a-potties, etc. My bills need to get paid and unfortunately no one is going to pay me $100k a year to pet dogs all day.

    13. For the longest time I thought I really, really wanted to have a career as a public interest lawyer for a cause I care deeply about. Then I got to law school and realized that 1) legal jobs helping that cause were hard to come by, 2) the people that had those jobs most often had other careers in that field before coming to law school and I didn’t, and 3) the courts were not a particularly effective way of making a difference for that cause. But I still really loved the practice of law, so I stuck with it and went into private practice. I am not particularly passionate about the subject matter of my work, but what I do is really critical for both my clients and society as a whole (I advice on compliance and regulatory issues, so I’m not just suing other corporations – not that I begrudge that work at all). And, I find the work intellectually stimulating, which is important to me as well.

      1. Ditto to all of this from a wannabe human rights lawyer who was surprised to enjoy her litigation niche at her law firm.

    14. I am in indigent defense and it certainly satisfies my passion. Yes, I would love to have a nicer car and a fancy home but doing something like contracts for a big firm would be depressing to me. I love my job and it pays the bills.

      1. I used to do a lot of work with abused and neglected children (and vulnerable adults) / termination of parental rights / involuntary foster placements. I am so glad that people do this work but I just could not keep doing it. It is disturbing to the core what happens to the weakest of society and how powerless we are to oversee / stop it. I just could not keep doing that.

        I am so much better able to function in a job that deals with pure economics now and I have the means to write checks to organizations to help these people pick up the pieces.

        I know one woman who hit the jackpot in the rich spouse department. And he is a gem — b/c she doesn’t work anymore, they are able to be emergency foster parents to children who need a safe and caring place to land. They donate the fees back and are able to help children in a way that I was never able to. They have been such a great example to see in a part of town where one doesn’t often have to think about this.

    16. Uhmm…. 12% ?

      But seriously, my friends who truly “followed their passions” mostly got into truly astronomical crushing amounts of student loan debt to work at $25k a year jobs.

      My husband, whose parents told him over and over to “follow his dreams!” and “find your passion!” is miserable in his interesting and well paying job because he thinks it Should be his Passion and it’s not and what does it all meeeeaaannnn!

      I’m pragmatic to a fault, so I love my passionless, cushy, fairly interesting, moderately well paying, generally low stress office job. I mean, if someone wants to pay me a large amount of money to sail around the Mediterranean on a luxury mega-yacht, while taking pictures of my food and writing a blog, that would be great. But I’m not exactly holding my breath.

    17. 100% … most days. It is easy to develop passion for work that you are good at, and that you feel is important. I am proud of the work I do, feel it has greater meaning, and I am constantly challenged and learning. That being said, I’ve spent the last decade and a half in training, making a barely-liveable wage, and while I now make a decent salary, they do have to pay me to show up some days. I work as a scientist btw.

      That being said, my husband works a job to have money to live and is perfectly happy.

    18. Work is what you are paid to do do because otherwise, no one would do it for free.

      Yeah, some people manage to make a living out of their passions. Rather, “just enough” people do so that other people feel like failures for “merely” having safe, financially rewarding, intellectually stimulating careers.

  5. My husband decided he really wants to go to the Bahamas toward the end of August (so in a few weeks). He is busy looking for accommodations and flights. Anyone have tips on what to do/where to stay in the Bahamas? It will be husband, myself, two kids (3 and 5) and my MIL. We would want to stay in a condo/home that has a full kitchen, would rather not do an all inclusive or hotel. Thanks!

      1. Fair enough, but my kids are not the kind that will hang out on the beach all day (1/2 day, sure) so looking for some other fun options too.

          1. Atlantis has a lot for kids to do. Fair warning though your husband will be lying on the beach, you will be running around after them.

        2. this is an unhelpful negative-nancying comment.

          ATLANTIS. it’s amazing. a self-enclosed water park. There are tons of slides, aquariums with fish and sharks. an amazing lazy river, multiple pools, and yes, the beach if you want. I feel like a kid when I’m at atlantis. but there’s also amazing restaurants, casinos, clubs, etc for you.

          But it’s not exactly cheap on-property. Also – for your big group – I would absolutely go to Atlantis Harborside, which are 2 bedroom condos with full kitchen setups, laundry etc. If you google Atlantis Haborside, you’ll find a lot of info on Trip Advisor and also Tugbbs – this timeshare message board community. And those people are PROS at saving money on a vacation, you’ll see what I mean. They literally pack foreman grills and MEAT in their checked baggage. I don’t do that.

          food on property is the problem – but you can totally circumvent that (if you want!) by going to a grocery store around the corner from Atlantis (on paradise island) and getting snacks, food, booze, etc. Pack cooler bags in your suitcase, bring snacks from home, etc.

          1. She said she didn’t want a resort!!!!! I agree Atlantis is perfect with kids but not if you don’t want a resort or hotel.

    2. I haven’t been to the Bahamas so can’t make specific recommendations, but on any tropical location trips my favorite thing to do is snorkel. Depending on how old your kids are and how comfortable they are swimming, they might love it too.

    3. I was thinking a day pass at Atlantis but you can only buy them if you are staying at a partner hotel. :(

      1. Are those the swimming pigs that were on the Bachelor? That looked terrifying to be honest.

        1. i didnt watch the bachelor but i know when i was a kid i would have gotten an absolute kick out of swimming with pigs (or dolphins or stingrays or whatever). anyway, just a suggestion.

    5. Bahamas is a beach and pool vacation….that’s pretty much it. The larger hotels have pool areas that rival most water parks for a reason. Like any other beach vacation, there are snorkeling/snuba excursions, banana boats, parasailing charters and dolphin encounters, etc. However, the age limits for same are sometimes 6+ mostly 12+.

      With your age children, it might make more sense to rent a house/condo in Miami (as most flights connect through there already.) They have great restaurants, beaches, museums (the Dezer collection and Science Museums are can’t miss) and my kids loved the Venetian pool at coral gables when they were little.

      1. +1 And Crandon Beach is generally not too crowded and has lots of tide pools for little ones.

    6. I don’t understand the view that the whole ‘point’ of a place is a resort… are there not people who actually, you know, LIVE there and have culture and activities and whatnot? Of course there are! I’d combine some beach time with sailing, diving, hiking, etc. There are so many things to do in the tropics aside from just sitting on the beach. Find a village off the beaten path and see where it takes you.

  6. I saw in a thread last week some people talking about selling their houses by owner. Wondering if anyone has experience buying an FSBO house using a Realtor. We found a great house in a neighborhood we love that is being sold by owner; we are already working with a Realtor and being that this is our first home purchase in 15 years, do not want to try to self-represent when we buy. The FSBO seller is willing to work with our Realtor if she’s willing to work with him – and she is, as long as she can still get paid buyer’s commission for the transaction. From reading online, it looks like we should ask him to pay that and if he won’t, then we are responsible for paying her commission? We still have to sell our current home so I am not really feeling paying any part of the commission the seller would normally be responsible for – we’ll have to do that soon enough ourselves.

    1. In my city FSBO sellers typically offer 3% to the buyer’s agent, so if they don’t state that, you need to clarify.

      I’ve thought about this — if I were to FSBO and pay the buyer’s agent, then why am I going non-repesented into a huge financial transaction? But I also have a low opinion of realtors — I am sure that there are many who do a lot of unpaid work and are fantastic and sharp and add value, but there is such a low barrier to entry that my impression of many I’ve met is that there are a lot of people who do nothing but say “a contractor can fix that” when IRL they have a major structural problem that will cost a ton to fix and also see inspections as a formality and not something very serious (oh, you don’t need to be there; I’m sure nothing will turn up; that is maybe only fine in a condo but never for a 100-year old house with various DIY “improvements”).

      I think that a very good realtor should do phenomenally well, but I have never figured out how to diligence which ones those are. I know who I’d never use or recommend though.

    2. That is correct. A FSBO seller should expect to pay your realtor’s portion of the commission. Your agent will need to determine if the “buyer’s agent protected” and if not, you’ll have to pay that. Generally, though, any reasonable FSBO seller knows that they need to pony up for it to sell their house.

    3. FWIW, we had a terrible experience making an offer on a FSBO house. The sellers were willing to work with our Realtor and said they were willing to pay the buyer’s commission, but they absolutely clueless about the process. They ended up choosing a much lower offer that apparently wasn’t on the standard offer paperwork – when they received our offer, they called our Realtor to ask him to explain it to us. They still chose the lower offer because our offer “had too many words in it.”

    4. You could try to negotiate this? For example, in NY, commission is generally 6%; if the buyer doesn’t have a broker, maybe they would be willing to pay a 3-4% commission instead, which would still save them money over having their own agent and cover what your agent would have made had they had an agent. You’d have to make sure your agent was on board, obviously. IME, most FSBO listings just factor commission into the price, so there’s usually just less room to negotiate. In effect, you’re sort of paying the commission, just not on paper. Also – while not always the case – it’s been my experience that a lot of FSBO people are a bit on the difficult/crazy side. Not always, but certainly often enough that you should be prepared.

  7. Where should my friend and I go for New Years Eve? We’d like to travel somewhere with a party atmosphere, doesn’t matter if it’s warm, cold, or somewhere in between. Flying from the East coast for like 4 days so I’d prefer a direct flight/travel time under 10 hours each way.

    Here’s the catch – my friend is super fun but sometimes she’s a little TOO fun. I have to babysit her not infrequently – no don’t take that pill from that stranger, just sit down so you stop falling, ok I guess I’m carrying you to the Uber please don’t pass out on me. Wherever we travel has to be safe for a hot mess. Maybe an all inclusive? Or some kind of cruise? Oh and lest you think we must be like 21… yeah no we’re closing in on 40. She’s my only remaining single friend and I’d love to have a great time partying with her some place I won’t have to carry her around if she overdoes it.

    2. Is this a joke? Why would you travel with anyone like this at any time period.

    3. I was going to suggest New Orleans, but that would not be good if you need to babysit your friend. I guess you could to an all-inclusive since you would be contained to one place, but she could still pass out somewhere on the property. I don’t know…you want a party atmosphere, but your friend clearly overdoes it while partying…I don’t know if those are compatible.

    5. In this case, I’d go to Vegas. 24 hour medical care and plenty of security to help you carry your friend. Plus, my sense is that the large LDS community in the desert west will mean that plenty of workers don’t partake and a portion of hospitality workers is more likely to have their wits about them. Not a cruise ship where she could go overboard and US tort / criminal laws don’t apply.

      Honestly, this does not sound that fun.

      Can you not check into somewhere like Canyon Ranch and just chill?

    6. Would not travel with her, but if you must, I’ve heard NOLA is fun for party atmospheres.

      2. As someone who lives in NOLA and is from here, also NYE is a nightmare all the time. The Sugar Bowl is always on Jan. 1 in NOLA and the city is literally overrun with college bowl fans and college kids in general. The traffic is always a gridlock, so you really can’t even Uber/Lyft/taxi. The only way it is remotely tolerable is if you have a hotel downtown (2 night minimum thanks to the Sugar Bowl) and have tickets to some limited-seating event that includes food, open bar and entertainment. Aside from that it’s literally the worst, and I love partying.

    7. A friend of mine went to a Club Med in Turks & Caicos and had a good time. Similar type of person. So maybe explore that?

      1. The Turks and Caicos Club Med is extremely run down and depressing for an island that is amazing. What about one of the fancier hotels on Grace Bay? Its not a club, but at the same time they are amazingly festive. We loved The Palms and their Parallel 23 restaurant for fancy occasions. It may also slow down a bit of her wild side…

    8. I would completely skip the partying in this scenario. What about an awesome spa instead?

    9. If you must babysit her, fine. But she will get into trouble because you can’t babysit 24/7. Tell her now because you want to have fun but not as her nursemaid. Just make sure she has protection when she’s away from you.

    10. I would go to Iceland, it’s a little more chill so maybe she wouldn’t act strangely?

      1. Seconding Iceland. The alcohol is so expensive there she will have a hard time getting sloshed.

    11. Somewhere like Naples Florida that has really nice restaurants , resorts and wine bars, but for an older crowd. There will be a party, but it will be tame (I imagine; have been there but not on NYE)

    1. So, you’re saying that misogynistic violence IS terrorism, right?

      I bet most people here agree with you.

      Reading article now…

  9. Any suggestions for a group birthday dinner in Manhattan? Ideally I would like something a bit low key and on the less expensive side in a fund part of town where we can go out for drinks after. Probably like 8-10 people. Thanks!

    1. Momofuku Ssam Bar – order the Bo Ssam ahead of time for the group – delicious and fun (if nobody’s a vegetarian)

    3. I have been to fun group bday dinners at Rosemary’s in the West Village and Huertas in the East Village. Also, depending on the time of year, City Vineyard in Tribeca could be fun.

  10. Does anyone have any yoga videos that they like other than Yoga with Adriene? I like her stuff, but most of the videos are quite short (30ish minutes) and I’m looking for more like 60. TIA!

    1. Try Leslie Fightmaster. She has some 45 minute classes. Her classes are a little more challenging than Yoga with Adriene.

    2. Yoga Upload and Yoga with Kassandra, in addition to Leslie Fightmaster rec’d above. They all have some shorter and some longer videos, including plenty of full hour ones.

    3. Do Yoga With Me! They’re on YouTube or their own s*te by the same name. Lots of different styles, good quality & varying lengths.

    4. I like The Yoga Collective, but you’ll need a paid subscription. It’s easy enough to find a Groupon/LivingSocial deal for $15 for a year for Yoga Collective videos.

      1. I like Five Parks Yoga with Erin Sampson. She has a lot more videos that are a traditional yoga practice as opposed to Yoga with Adriene. I honestly was not crazy about Yoga with Adriene.

  11. I love San Marzano. It’s a cozy little Italian spot in the East Village. It’s incredibly reasonably priced (we’re talking $9 pasta and it’s delicious). This celiac can confirm that their gluten free pasta is excellent, if that’s a concern for anyone in your group.

  12. One of my good friends has decided that after failing the CA bar twice and working for fifteen years in a paralegal job, she is ready to climb back on the horse and try to take the test and pass again.

    We live in the Midwest, so what are the best on-line test prep programs for CA? Are there any intensive (one to two week) live programs that she could use to jump start her studying? Any other CA specific tips?

    FWIW, she is deciding between the July 2019 and February 2020 test administrations and trying to figure out timing in terms of adjusting her current (3/4 time) work schedule and child care for an elementary age kid. Her spouse is supportive but travels extensively for work, so she will need time and flexibility to get through the process. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    TIA!

    1. She’s failed twice. She needs to do BarBri. And plan to prep 6-8 hours a day for 6 weeks.

    2. Yeah this. Except I would say more like two months of 40 hr/week studying. The CA bar is no joke and if she’s failed twice it clearly doesn’t come naturally to her so she’ll need to study a LOT.

    3. If you live in the Midwest, why would she take the CA bar? That won’t permit her to practice law in your current state

      1. Most Midwest bars are going to be easier than CA, and only 2 days instead of 3. If she wants to practice law, she should take the bar for the state in which you live. There is no benefit to taking the CA bar, since that won’t qualify her to practice in your current state

      2. My guess is because you can take the CA without going to law school. Friend’s been a paralegal for 15 years; it doesn’t say she ever went to law school.

        1. You can only sit for the bar without going to law school under CA’s apprenticeship program, which takes several years, requires a sponsor and is pretty intense. The CA Bar magazine did a feature on this in 2011 or so, and out of ~40 people that had tried this, something like under ten of them passed, even after multiple attempts. So…yeah.

      3. My friend went to an unaccredited law school, so she has to take the California bar exam and then either take the bar where we are or go back to California to practice for a few years and then waive in.

        Her goal is to have the law license so that she can be eligible for legal administration and in-house positions that are not open to her without the license. She keeps coming in second in hiring situations to licensed attorneys even though she has better substantive experience for those positions in her subject matter area simply because she is not licensed and she wants to remedy that.

        1. She’s coming in second because she isn’t a lawyer. It’s not just about the license.

        2. She’s coming in second because she isn’t a lawyer. It’s not just about the license.

          1. because she’s been a paralegal for 15 years and it appears as if she doesn’t actually want to be a practicing attorney.

            unaccredited schools are great for that – from my limited knowledge of them.

        3. If you go to an unaccredited law school, I’m not sure that you can waive in to other start bars or qualify to take their bars even if you are admitted in CA. If she is not willing to go back to CA, I would triple check in to whether she would ever be qualified to be a member of the bar in your state. It isn’t worth taking the CA bar if it doesn’t actually help her with her goal.

          1. Already checked. If she passes the CA exam, she can take the essay section only of our state’s bar (which is much easier than CA) at one of the next to two test administrations and then be licensed here.

            She knows this is a project, but she wants to get it done and I want to help her.

          2. Agreed. Also, California doesn’t grant reciprocity (easily? At all?) which causes a lot of states to not permit CA lawyers to waive in.

          3. And when checking, make sure that you look in to all of the requirements. They may just say that if you pass another bar, you have to do X. But somewhere else on the website, they note that you have to graduate from an accredited law school. I don’t actually know of any states besides CA where a graduate from an unaccredited law school can become a member of the bar. (Maybe one in New England that lets you do an apprenticeship, but you would still have to satisfy all the requirements for am apprenticeship)

    5. No CA-specific tips, but most of the big companies (BarBri, Kaplan, Themis) offer online-only bar prep classes that you can take from anywhere. They’re super expensive, but if she’s already failed twice then she needs to budget thousands of dollars for the class, plus multiple weeks. Flexibility is not really a word that is associated with bar prep, unfortunately, not if she wants a definite pass this time.

    6. I failed the bar the first time I took it. (My husband had been relocated to a random state we had no ties to – a state very proud of its own legal tradition, never mind national laws.) I took BarBri the first time and found it absolutely horrific. The second time around, I actually found the exam easy (which is a pretty stunning thing to say, no matter how many times you’ve taken it). Materials:

      1) Adaptibar – online REAL MBE questions and it grades you and keeps testing you on questions you’re weak on. Do not practice with fake MBE questions (ahem, BarBri). Real MBE questions get repetitive and you can actually learn the questions and the answers.

      2) Law in a Flash MBE flashcards. So helpful.

      3) A BarBri essay book (or any other brand that provides answers and tells you what points examiners will be looking for). I bought one used on ebay and practiced and practiced. The essays get repetitive after a while.

      The light bulb that finally went off for me is that I did not have to know All The Law. I only had to know The Law The Bar Cares About. And that’s a pretty small universe. BarBri gives you a firehose of every subject since the dawn of time. Ignore it.

    7. I’d go with Themis. they really know what they’re doing in CA and have a great pass rate.

    8. Ages ago when I took the bar, Themis was great. But, if she doesn’t want to practice law and has already failed twice, it might not be the best use of time to get a license. I don’t think a license absent good experience practicing will be all that helpful for going in-house (it’s hard for excellently credentialed lawyers to get good in-house positions).

  13. I started running a few months ago. I previously considered myself vaguely in shape, but I was wrong…running is so difficult for me and requires a ton of effort. And weirdly, when I run at my hardest, I tend to get my classic PMS symptoms (sore, achy n*pples and mild uterine cramps) when it’s not that time cyclewise.

    I am wondering if others experience this too or if this is a super weird thing I should go to the doctor about. I have a Mirena IUD which maybe is contributing? The only other runner I know is my boyfriend who of course is not a good source of info on this topic!

    1. I run 80-100 miles a month with a mirena and it definitely does not cause these symptoms for me. You might be describing something that could be caused by dehydration but IANAD and you should consult one because that is definitely not normal.

      1. +1. I don’t have an IUD, but those are not normal exertion from running symptoms in my experience. I have run for years (while on the pill, off the pill, and thru all sorts of teenage hormonal shifts). If anything, running alleviates those things for me.

      2. +2 I have a copper IUD and have never had symptoms like this while running – short or longer distances. Definitely make sure you are hydrated – ideally you p e e clear before you go out for a run. Otherwise, check in with your doc!

    2. Do you mean you get the PMS symptoms while you are actually running, or long after you are done? It’s common to get cramps during a strenuous run, though it’s not something you should ordinarily push through – it can be a sign that you’re dehydrated. Sore nipples can also be from wearing too tight of a sports bra or chafing. But if those symptoms persist after a run, see a doctor – I don’t think that’s normal.

    3. I found that my IUD irritated me and had it removed after more than a year because I just did not “adjust” like they say you do.

    4. Okay, look this up (I am NOT in healthcare), but it’s my understanding that PMS symptoms are usually symptoms of a drop in progesterone. Intense exercise can reduce progesterone production, so this might just make sense?

    5. I have gotten what feels like mild cramps and spotting from running, and I don’t have a Mirena, so in my case, that is not the cause. This tends to coincide with ovulation for me and when I asked my doctor, she said it wasn’t a concern if those symptoms appeared around ovulation time. Don’t know if that’s helpful.

    6. I started running (using that action verb very loosely) about 1.5 years ago to join in on a family activity. I was 47 at the time and considered myself to be reasonably in shape since I did regular cycle and barre classes. Most people consider me thin at 5’6′ / 128 lb.
      Running was the hardest thing I had EVER tried to do. I could not do it for more than about 90 seconds without panting insanely while my 53 year old husband and 13 year old daughter were running circles around me and telling me to try harder. After running / walking for about 3 miles, I felt downright shaky and achey the rest of the day. This went on for months. Finally, I met a 64 year old woman who is a life long runner who has a 5AM running group. They run four miles at a 10 – 11 minute pace. It turns out I was trying to run WAY too fast. I could not completely keep up with them but would join them sometimes and also go out on my own to do a 90 second run / 30 second walk for 4 miles pretty regularly. Started in November going about 3-4 days a week and felt like a truck had hit me after doing so until about March. My aerobic fitness was honestly just that deficient. Something clicked, and I can now go the 4 miles at the 10 -11 minute mile pace and feel decent afterwards. It is still extremely hard while I’m doing it. It helped me was to hear “Just remember, all you have to do is keep slogging (slow jog).” It also helped for my husband who is super fast and fit for over 50 to tell me that running NEVER feels easy for him. Also, I got better running shoes and hired a personal trainer to get my arms stronger which enabled me to better keep the proper form. If you have no restrictive health problems and can push through, I honestly believe jogging is one of the most efficient forms of exercise.

      1. Thanks, this is very good to hear. I agree, it is the hardest physical thing I have ever done (and I am not as thin or as in shape as you seem to have been when you started).

        If I have that same kind of click you describe within a couple months…I will be ecstatic. That’s all I want, to be able to run 4-5 miles and feel good afterward instead of like I climbed Mt. Everest.

      2. +1 to running at your own, slow pace being much easier – I had a similar realization after thinking I could not run for years. I now do about 9 SLOW miles a week and love it.

    7. Consider trying intervals–run for a minute, walk for a minute, adjust as needed.

  14. This is my first time working in a private firm (vs gov’t). Talk to me about this “firm retreat” thing. Apparently the firm is paying for a beach weekend and families are invited? This is a real thing? Do I want to go? (It’s optional.)

      1. +1. Not optional. I wouldn’t bring my family myself, especially to your first one. That gets messy.

        1. +1

          Not optional. How soul sucking it will be depends on your firm- my old firm rented a conference center, made us wear name tags, put on power points about firm finances and “cross-pollinating our practice areas.” Then we had dinner in the conference room, and mingled for a few hours. Lather rinse repeat. Gag. New firm rents lake houses and we have fun. Lots of fun. In the good old days (before the crash) firms had more fun retreats from what I understand, but I sense that has waned and isn’t coming back.

    2. Firm retreats are a real thing and they are usually not optional. Although my firm does not invite families – it is just the lawyers.

        2. Our is no work or business whatsoever. We fly to wherever we are going, check in, firm lunch with lots of drinks, free time/sometimes a sightseeing trip, fancy dinner with all the trimmings then out to a bar/club. Next day, breakfast followed by some kind of team activity and then another fancy lunch with lots of booze. Most people stay for a few days extra (firm pays the flights for whenever we want to return and we can use the special hotel rate). It is actually very fun and a great way to bond with colleagues that you might not see very often.

    4. Not optional. Ask around if people really bring their families. I’d think long and hard before bringing kids, and if I did, I’d have a nanny/grandparent to babysit the whole time.

    5. Only optional if you have a really good pre-existing commitment of the my sister is getting married or it is my grandmother’s 90th birthday and the whole family is flying in–in which case you have to make it known why you are not coming.

    6. Not optional, sorry. Spouses are semi-optional at my firm’s retreats. No one brings kids unless there is an actual reason, like they are still br3&stfeeding (for mod). Ours are really fun and not at all soul-sucking, though!

      1. Ask someone for the agenda from last year so you can see what the event looks like. See if you can find pix of it so you can calibrate dress. Ours has this tradition of cocktail attire the first night and resort togs after that and I didn’t know and had to rn out and buy a dress.

  15. I’ve seen Target’s Threshold Percale sheets recommended many times on this board, and picked them up this weekend since I needed sheets that would stay cooler for summer. I know percale is more “crisp” than soft, but these feel pretty scratchy! I feel like I might have gotten a full body exfoliation :) Should I wash them a few more times to soften them up? I saw a recommendation to wash them with salt, and another to do a vinegar rinse? Any tips appreciated!

    1. Not specifically what you asked, but I like the Shabby Chic plain white sheets at Target. They’re soft and I didn’t have to do anything to get them that way.

    2. Have you washed them yet? If not, I would return them and get the Made by Design sheets at Target. I recently ordered a ton of percale sheets and those were my favorite – crisp and cool but soft and not scratchy at all.

    3. If you decide to get different sheets, I swear by Better Homes & Gardens 100% cotton percale or sateen sheets from Wal Mart. They have held up 100x better than the Threshold sheets I’ve gotten in the past and are always cheaper. They also come in fun prints/colors (just maybe not as trendy as Target).

    4. Wash them a few more times, they will get softer. FWIW, they’re the coolest sheets I own, which makes a big difference to me in the summer.

    5. I don’t know about salt and vinegar, but maybe throw in some of those wool dryer balls to beat them up a little?

  16. Has anyone bought the Sam Edelman Rena Half d’Orsay? I am looking for insights on fit, durability of the flat as a nearly everyday wear. Do I need to take into account a break in period? It is currently on sale at Nordstrom Rack and I am considering it.

    Will share the link in reply.

    TIA

  17. Like many of you, I decided to be more involved during the 2016 election. Since then, I’ve tried to be involved at the municipal level (all politics is local, right?), attending City Council meetings or watching the recordings, attending local meetings of my political party, even doing phone banking and sign holdings for candidates. Yet, I’ve become really disappointed and frustrated in trying to channel my energy for change. Is it just my city?

    I live in a Northeastern city of about 100K, but its like we are back in my small town of 7K. The local elected officials seem to have cliques like in high school. They eat at certain restaurants so others come up, recognizing them, to fawn over them.

    There seems to be a serious devaluation of expertise from outsiders and comparisons of other cities. When considering economic development policy at a hearing recently, the city invited developers from about 45 minutes away who have worked in demographically similar sister cities. The pair of developers were badgered by the City Council, who kept repeating “we aren’t OTHER CITY, we are OUR CITY”. Right…but when you have experts from other cities coming to testify at a hearing, maybe listen to what they have to say?

    I’m not originally from this city, although I’ve lived here 5 years, and I’m reminded of it all the time by the local politicos. I was raised in a rural town 20 min. away, attended college in our state capital, and then lived out of state for awhile before returning to my hometown area…or so I thought. Having not graduated from one of the two high schools in this city, I often hear that I don’t really understand. I’ve heard this from otherwise nice and kind people who fail to have any explanation for bad policy.

    There is a serious nepotism problem, too. Unqualified individuals get appointed to positions based on personal relationships, and the city has seriously suffered because of it. For instance, our mayor has his aunt and his cousin in his Chief of Staff and Assistant positions. The aunt’s previous experience was as a housekeeper, and the cousin as an autistic children caregiver-two perfectly fine jobs, but they have no business, management, or executive experience.

    The local paper printed profiles of municipal (2017 election) and even state level candidates (now), and the candidates all list their elementary, middle, and high schools. I can see high school…but how is your elementary school relevant? The majority of our municipal elected officials do not have a college degree, which in and of itself is not a bad thing if you’ve gained experience in other areas such as the trades, but it relates back to the skepticism of expertise.

    Finally, I’m extremely disillusioned at the influence of donations. For instance, a company needed a permit, and after an $11,000 donation, they got approved. Another company needed a letter of support to locate in our city, and a $20,000 donation secured it. These donations are public record. I hate the pay to play!

    Does any of this sound familiar? Perhaps I’m naive, but I expected more.

    1. It sounds like you’re in a small city with a big chip on its shoulder. It honestly doesn’t sound surprising to me.

      1. Yes, I agree with the chip, but I guess I was expecting more?

        I live here because I work here. I love living 15 min. from my work. Maybe I should focus on activism on a state level versus local. I do still feel motivated to “get involved”, but I think locally is a waste of time and energy if people don’t want to change a broken system.

        2. It doesn’t end at the state level. This is what politics is, unfortunately. That’s the opportunity – be an injection of fresh blood/insight at the local level and be the change you want to see. Cheesy but true.

      1. I’ve considered it, but I think I would get burned out. I’m not sure if I, an “outsider”, would get elected to city council. If I were elected, I think I would be incredibly frustrated to attend meetings that regularly start at 5:30 and end at 11 PM, midnight, or even later with councilors bickering and grandstanding to their public cable TV access audience. The city council doesn’t even use laptops. I can’t tell you how many minutes and hours have been wasted with them bickering about who did or did not receive paper information that could be easily centralized online-but several councilors don’t even use email…

        1. Even if you don’t win, your message could impact voters and make people realize that change is needed. Check out runforsomething.net.

    3. When my mom retired, she moved to a small town (30k) near where her grandparents had lived and she had spent her summers as a girl. She had fond memories of it, so she decided to go back. After a couple years, she ran for city council and won a seat.

      She could have written your post word for word. It was juvenile, the people were unenlightened, and they seemed to just really enjoy being in “power” (I mean, it’s a town of 30k) and making decisions to benefit their friends. Also fun: add in a dose of “out-of-towners go home” – a political opponent slashed her tires. Yeah.

      If by any chance you’re in a Rust Belt town that used to have some sort of economy before automation or NAFTA (my mom’s town is still angry at the factories that left in the FIFTIES – look, they ain’t coming back, no matter what The Orange One says), I’m afraid to say that I think unless those towns have a certain percentage of college graduates or some special something (a really great little downtown, a lake, etc), they’re just done for. Write them off. I know that’s awful to say, but I really and truly believe those towns cannot be helped. My mom moved there 20 years ago, and it was on the decline then, but she really thought she could work with the town council to turn it around and give it that cute downtown with little shops and B&Bs, and now it’s actually dangerous with drugs and gun violence. You can tell the towns that are small, but people still love them, and the towns that are small, and people don’t care. If by chance you live in the latter, well, you can’t help those who don’t help themselves.

      1. I’m in New England, but it could be a Rust Belt town. Its a small city that went boom then bust on textiles, like so many others in my state. Many of these sister cities have reinvented themselves, but my city seems insistent that solutions in other areas won’t work here. The economy here now is primarily healthcare for the opioid epidemic and new marijuana dispensaries.

    4. Political change is a marathon, not a sprint (and the two years you’ve been getting involved from 2016 until now is nothing in “political time”). Keep raising your voice, working on small changes that can later facilitate larger systemic shifts, and don’t give up. You need to shift your view to seeing this as a long game. Try to get your party to cultivate future mayoral and other local candidates. I don’t mean find people to run next year- start training people who might be ready to run 5-10 years from now. At the city council meetings when the council members disparage experts, just keep speaking up to highlight good points the experts made and hopefully others will follow your lead and the discourse will shift slowly over time. Politics will always have elements of nepotism and pay to play in it, so you can’t eliminate that fully, so just focus on what you CAN change. Most of all, don’t give up!

      1. Good points! Professionally I work in the nonprofit advocacy sector, which entails working toward a long game mission, so that makes sense. I guess I’m just surprised that our local leadership seems so incompetent and unwilling to listen to expertise. Perhaps I expect too much in an era of fake news.

    5. Holey shamoley do you live in my city? You’ve described our political situation exactly on the nose (you must not be in the same place, because you say “his” about the mayor, and we have a woman mayor). I ran for office in our municipal election cycle in 2017, won my seat, and was inaugurated in January of this year. I’ve served six months and we are on summer recess for two months, it’s a two-year term, and I just want to quit. I’m so much happier 30 days out from our last session that I think I have been in the last 18 months, since I decided to run. Which is it’s own kind of bummer, if that makes any sense.

      I ran with an explicit commitment to increase transparency, and I’m making small strides, but we have the EXACT.SAME.PROBLEM where sitting councillors will just willfully not use e-mail, or “forget” documents, or there are discrepancies between the electronic and paper versions, and I just want to scream. And then they bicker and grandstand to their public cable TV access audience, just like in your town.

      We had an opportunity recently to hire a new administrator in a high-level municipal position that answers directly to the council, and instead of hiring an excellent candidate with years of experience in the assistant-level position from another municipality who had built a docketing system, we gave the job to an ex-councillor who is going to play ball with the old boys club and accomplish nothing good for our community. It’s a sinecure. I’m SO MAD.

      So, long way to say, it seems like this everywhere, and it sucks.

      1. You have my sympathies! My city sadly has never had a woman mayor, and we only have 1 woman city councilor, which is another challenge. We also have an entirely male school committee. Sigh.

  18. Posted over the weekend but reposting for more views:
    Talk to me about debt payment programs/those personal loan programs where you consolidate your debt into one payment. Good idea or bad?

    For context: I’m late 20s, make $30k per year and have about $9k in cc debt (no student loans or anything). I’m spending $200-300 per month paying down ccs, but am also looking at a potentially hefty car repair bill which is stressing me out. I have only $1300 in savings. I’m trying to find another job that pays well/get a salary increase at my current job but I’m really struggling. I also co-own my 1br place with my parents, so “rent” is ~$600 and moving isn’t really an option.

    I am SO sick of being constantly stressed out about money and living on pennies. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

    1. I know it’s easier said than done, but if I were you, I would focus on finding a higher-paying job as your first plan of attack. There’s only so much you can do to make progress on debt at a 30K salary. What is your field and what are your options? 30K seems particularly low and it seems that almost anywhere would pay more.

    2. What are the repayment terms on the consolidation loan you’re considering? What are the interest rates on your CCs?

    3. I’ve had some CC debt before. And though I did have debt, my credit score was still good, so I opened a card that offered 0% interest for 18 months and no fees and just rolled my debt over to that card. I paid it off before the 18 months.

      And yes, it was an incredibly stressful time. I eventually got a new job that paid significantly, but it really took about 6 months for it to feel like I had gotten a raise since there were so many things I had deferred (car maintenance, simple things like buying underwear, etc). It gets better.

    4. The people I know who have used debt payment programs have benefited as much (if not more) from the educational aspect. They all used non-profits that forced them to take some financial education classes and to stop using any credit. If those would be helpful things for you, I would do it (but use a non-profit, do not do this with a for-profit company). I believe most also force you to make a detailed budget, which may be helpful also.

      But if you have already changed your habits/don’t need the education, I’m not sure it would be helpful. Assuming you are underpaid for your field, I would focus on getting a better paying job. Don’t ruin your finances just to work somewhere that pays you under market rate. And when continuing to look for a new, better-paying job, I would pick up a part-time second job to help pay off my debt sooner.

    5. Have you considered a second job? I tutored for several years in my early 20s and it really helped. The hourly rate for my second job was actually higher than the hourly rate at my full-time job.

      1. Yes – you need a side hustle, at least until you have the debt behind you and savings built up. Pizza delivery, Lyft driving, tutoring, dog walking, house sitting, weekend retail …. anything you can do to get some extra money to throw at this.

        Consolidation can help if it’s through a reputable program (ideally credit counseling nonprofit). It should not cost you any money. If your credit is good, you could also open a new card and do balance transfers with a 12- or 15-month interest free payoff period. But — and this is the key — you have to absolutely pay it off before the end of the interest-free period or all the back interest will come due, and you cannot use that card for anything else. You also should cut up or freeze any other cards.

        1. Re on the side hustle – I can easily find people in my area who board dogs for $50+ per night. Check out Rover dot com. I’m not sure what percentage cut the site takes for the sitters, but I imagine it’s a good way to get some extra cash.

      2. Yup. I made 27k for a while and worked retail and babysat of weekends. Babysitting was $15/hr cash and I did date nights so it was an easy $60-75 while I relaxed after the kids went to bed. I also did overnights for like $150.

        My retail job paid ~$12/he plus it was taxed, but i lately did it for the employee discount so I could affford work clothes. I spent my paycheck at the store I worked in but it was the only way I could afford new clothes I liked. Plus the other people were fun and most of them in my exact boat.

    6. What is the COL like in your location? Have you taken a good look at your expenses, to really make sure you are cutting everything?

      For that level income, you can pay this off soon. You are so lucky your parents bought you an apartment, which is keeping your housing costs low (you are so so lucky…..). It is great you are looking for a new job, but I would carefully look at your expenses. I suspect you are used to a different standard of living and haven’t figured out how to live within your means.

      Don’t spend money on anything not essential to live. No clothes. No fancy make-up etc… No dinners out. No lunches out – bring your lunch every day. No starbucks. Commute the cheapest way to work. Negotiate a lower cell phone plan. Get rid of cable. Cancel your gym subscription and any other subscriptions to anything. Negotiate a lower car insurance plan. No more gifts to anyone. When you want to get together with friends, meet for coffee or a walk or a picnic in the park or a hike or a tennis match or over to your apartment for a glass of two buck chuck.

      It is not that hard to live on 30K if you are living simply. I did it for almost 15 years. You can to. You will get this paid off in no time. Keep looking for a better job, and reassess your career trajectory. Network like crazy. Get a side-gig on the weekends….even babysitting….

      You can do this.

    7. I don’t think one big payment is the solution to your troubles. I’d look into the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University, which is a fantastic course that helps you to tackle bite-sized pieces of your debt via the snowball method. His program is really successful at tackling the psychological aspects of spending and debt so that you feel in control and able to pay them off. It does have a Christian core to it, but is one of the few financial classes you can take in person for a $90-$100 course fee (and be able to ask the instructor questions, etc.). Or, you can do it for free by finding his materials online (tons of free resources on his site) and listening to his radio show (I subscribe to his youtube).

    8. Hang in there. This is so hard, but $1300 in savings is actually great all told and you are going to get out of this.

      Do you mind me asking a bit about your other expenses / financial picture overall? You can pm me at n u q o t w at g m a i l dot c o m if you prefer.

      (1) What’s your take home pay and how often do you get paid?
      (2) What other fixed costs (phone, cable/internet, utilities) do you have?
      (3) Is the debt on multiple cards or just one card? What is the minimum payment per card / total? Do you have other debt? Have you called the bank(s) and asked them to lower your interest rate (I was surprised to learn that you can just call the bank and ask them to do that, but you can.)
      (4) Based on your discussion of the car, I assume you need one, but could you get by in the very short term without or using it much less? How hefty is the bill? Is there any chance you could switch to public transit in the short term while you save up money for the repair?

      1. Will email you with details this afternoon!

        I appreciate everyone’s input. I do think that a second job would help ease some financial stress. Hopefully it’s easy to find one…

    9. In all seriousness, why go it alone? You need a partner.
      Now is the time to get married. Go for it.

      2. Kat, please block this person. See all the comments today under this name as to why.

    10. What abut asking your co-owning parents for a deal where they carry the payments for a year and then they own that extra amount in equity when it comes time to sell. This will allow you to put your mortgage payments towards the debt and maybe build up a small cushion for emergencies like car repairs.

    11. I’d recommend it. I worked with a nonprofit and they were able to negotiate far lower interest rates. They calculate for you how long it would take/how much money would be wasted at the current vs. lower interest rates and it is INSANE. No opening new cards while you’re making payments, and my credit score didn’t take a big hit.

  19. Also, do you have kids / a partner? If so, what your combined income and how many kids?

  20. Moms, talk to me. We’re having two couples over for dinner on Saturday and their four children – ages 13, 6, 4, and 2. Can I go with a regular cookout menu of hamburgers, potato salad, corn salad, baked beans, watermelon, and pie or do I need to offer other/different things? (Hot dogs? Potato chips? (what kind?) Will kids eat pie or should I make cookies?) Thanks!

    (To play, we have corn hole, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and frisbees – we’re good, right?)

    1. That sounds perfectly lovely. I don’t think it would be a bad idea to have hot dogs as an option as well, since most adults prefer one over the other, but that’s just if you want to be extra. Your guests should let you know if the kids have any special dietary needs and if they’re just going to be picky kids, don’t sweat it.

    2. My kids are ugly Americans. I would add chicken nuggets or hot dogs and French fries or plain potato chips. Also add some chocolate chip cookies. You’re good on activities – that sounds perfect.

    3. My kids aren’t very picky, but sometimes they will eat stuff at other people’s houses and sometimes they will eat one or two things. So don’t worry if they eat only a plain hamburger patty or the watermelon or something. I think you’re good, but a bag of pretzels or chips might be appreciated since 4 and 2 (and 7 tbh) are the ages of carbs carbs carbs. Also even the bigger kids might be used to having milk with meals, so they may ask even if you don’t offer milk.

      1. +1 The menu you have is perfect (as long as no one’s vegetarian), and I wouldn’t go out of your way to add things for kids. I have kids in that age range who normally eat like horses. But at someone else’s house, it’s a crapshoot. They often will barely eat even things they like, because they’re too distracted by the novelty of new things to investigate, or because they’re a little on edge at being out of their comfort zone and the food looking different, or they fell asleep in the car on the way over, or whatever. No big deal, they can eat when they get home, and if they’re hungry enough now, then they’ll figure it out. I love when people refuse to cater to their whims.

        1. +1 My kids would probably eat watermelon and call it a day. And if you have a dog, they would be too distracted to eat anything.

          For the 2 and 4 year old, do not be surprised if they bring their own food. This isn’t a slight on you the host, it just makes the parents’ life easier. (I could have an adult conversation if I gave my 4 year old a lunchable and a milk.)

          If you are steaming corn for your corn salad, set aside some still on the cob for the kids. For the younger three, it will be at least 30 minutes of entertainment.

    4. Have a non-soda beverage available for kids. Some kids won’t drink soda, some parents won’t let their kids drink soda. I’d just make a big pitcher of lemonade. Adding hot dogs probably wouldn’t hurt and isn’t a ton of extra effort, so if you’re worried about kids not eating burgers, grab a package of hot dogs. If you want to pick up a bag or two of chips, just get the classic kind- think plain Lays or Ruffles. For kids, when in doubt, go with plain. I wouldn’t worry about dessert. I don’t know many kids who won’t eat pie, but it’s not the end of the world if someone doesn’t have dessert. I think your games and activities sound about perfect- something adaptable for every age! And good for you for going to the trouble to put all of this together.

      1. Milk would probably be appreciated by the younger ones, but they can always drink water if they don’t like juice or soda. Agree that some kind of plain chip/cracker is a good idea, especially if the kids are used to eating earlier or don’t like anything else – you don’t want them hangry.

    5. I think it sounds perfect. I would buy one thing of hot dogs and a tub of vanilla ice cream, just in case. But I tend to “over prepare.” My guess is anyone with picky kids will bring something for them or feed them ahead of time.

    6. I would grab some turkey dogs or veggie burgers just in case you have any non-meat-eating adults or kids. Otherwise, don’t worry about picky kids. Their parents will have a plan.

      2. And if you don’t eat meat and are going to a person’s house for a meal, you got to tell them. You can’t expect them to have vegetarian food if you don’t

    7. Mine are 6, 4 and 2. They’d eat corn, hamburgers and watermelon but would skip potato salad. One of mine loves baked beans but the other two only like plain black beans (?!) so they’d skip those. They’d scarf any available chip because we typically don’t buy them.

      If you want to be an A+ host, I’d consider adding hotdogs and Mac and cheese to the menu. If it’s a bother, skip the Mac and cheese.

      For this age group, parents of picky eaters bring food along for their kids to events like this. You don’t need chicken nuggets or PB&Js.

      Kids will eat pie or they’ll skip dessert.

    8. That sounds great! If you can (not necessary) you might want to add hot dogs, and some cut up raw fruits/veggies for the kids, the smaller ones especially might not be into salads (too many things touching! with sauces!).

  21. I didn’t meal prep yesterday like normal and noticed this morning my weight was up a few pounds. I’m sure it’s just water weight but after a weekend of wine and unhealthy food, I really want to get back on track. Any suggestions for super clean/fresh/light recipes I can put together tonight?

    Thanks!

    1. I made this yesterday and it is so delicious and fresh tasting. It goes well with any meat as a side for more protein.

      Thai Quinoa Salad
      1 cup quinoa, rinsed (or pre-washed)
      1/2 teaspoon salt
      1 red bell pepper, cut into bite-sized strips
      1 carrot, peeled and grated
      1 English cucumber, seeded and diced
      2 scallions, white and green parts, finely sliced
      1/4 cup freshly chopped cilantro
      2 tablespoons fresh chopped mint or basil (optional)
      (I also added baby tomatoes)

      For the Dressing
      1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice, from 3-4 limes
      2-1/2 teaspoons Asian fish sauce
      1-1/2 tablespoons oil ( I used olive but avocado also works well)
      2 tablespoons sugar (I use splenda as we did not have sugar in the house)
      1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (use less if you don’t like heat)

      Boil the quinoa, cool and toss everything together. Good for several days.

      1. For me, I would pick up a rotisserie chicken on the way home and eat that with this lovely quinoa salad. And I would make a second vegetable of steamed greens.

        You need to fill up with decent amounts of cleaner proteins too.

    2. Sheet pan roasted veggies and chicken. Tons of different ways to do this, but the easiest for me is chopped broccoli and carrots (my grocery store even sells these pre-cut and pre-mixed together) + chicken thighs, liberal use of olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic powder, roasted at 400 for 15-20 minutes. Or use any other mix of spices you prefer.

    3. I make “buddah” bowls (ugh hate that name) with a mix of whatever grains are cooked (quinoa for the healthiest option), lettuce, a protein, one raw vegetable, one cooked vegetable, one pickled vegetable (usually pickled beets or radishes), and something for crunch, top with 1 TBSP Annie’s Organics green goddess dressing.

      My favorite combo is:

      black rice
      salad greens
      cubed tofu cooked in BBQ sauce
      roasted soy sauce and red pepper flake broccoli
      cherry tomatoes, halved
      pickled beets
      a couple pita chips

  22. Suggestions for games for adults? I’m looking for something pretty small that won’t take up much space in my bag to take on a beach vacation with family. Probably to play in the evenings inside. I’m open to any and everything. I’m a big fan of Spaceteam. Cards without humanity won’t be appropriate for this crowd – not looking to play that with my in-laws.

    1. We always have more fun playing Uno than anything. The size of the game can expand and contract easily to accommodate whoever is around, everyone knows how to play, kids can join in, there’s at least a tiny bit of strategy to keep it interesting (especially if you keep score), and the nature of the game lends well to friendly ribbing and competitiveness.

    2. Codenames and Splendor! You can take them out of the boxes and put it in a bag and they’ll take up a lot less space. They’re both easy to set up and have reasonably simple rules, but still require strategy to play and are super fun.

      1. Codenames is amazing! And because of all the different combinations, it doesn’t get old very quickly.

      2. I second Splendor! Took it on a vacation recently and it was a big hit. I have Codenames but haven’t tried playing it yet.

      3. Third Splendor. It meets my one requirement for new games, which is must be easily explained in under 10 minutes.

    4. Just played What Do You Meme? for the first time and it was soo much fun! Other suggestions- Phase 10 or Dutch Blitz

    5. Taboo, just take the cards you’ll want. Crazy 8s, Judgment. Also consider games on your phone like Head’s Up.

    7. Utter Nonsense is a really fun game for mixed age groups. It has the same “scoring” concept as Apples to Apples or Cards Against Humanity but the judge selects an “accent” card and everyone selects a phrase from their own hand to read in that accent. Some examples are valley girl, baby, chicken, New Yorker, etc. It’s so funny seeing everyone get really into it.

    8. Monikers is really good if the group is slightly nerdy or at least more “intellectual” type people. It is essentially just fishbowl (this is a classic party game which goes by several names, but the gist is the first round is Taboo, the second round is Password, and the third round is charades), with the added help of not having to figure out things to write down. Some of my less…. tech/meme-savvy friends did not know enough of the cards and got annoyed, but a lot of the cards are actors or movies. I would say it is great for the right audience. My dad (60’s, worked in the tech industry) would love it, but my mom (stay at home, not very internet savvy) would not. Very compact, perfect for large groups. Codenames is an absolute must for your situation I think. I also like Bananagrams.

    9. We didn’t play test this at all. It’s really small and easy to play (just a stack of cards) but it’s hilarious and very fun if you like games that are a little silly and random. I don’t think it’s great for really little kids, but for the most part it’s perfect for all ages and mixed groups. I played with my family for Thanksgiving and we still laugh about how we all lost through a no pointing rule.

      I also like Dixit and Apples to Apples.

    10. Card games are always fun. Skip-bo or Ligretto are hits in my group. Set if you have logicians. Bananagrams is also terrific.

      1. +1 to SkipBo. Also like Set (pattern matching), but it doesn’t click with everyone.

        1. +1 to set! It can be a solitaire game, or involve as many people as possible. It’s also multi-generation friendly bc you can change the rules for little kids (so maybe the littlest ones only need to match colors or shapes or something while everyone else plays by the “real” rules.)

          1. I introduced people to Set last weekend! It was definitely one of those that you have to show, instead of tell, how to play.

    12. One Night Werewolf is SO fun and easy. You can easily adjust for just about any number of players. It uses an app which tells you exactly how to play. The rounds last 5 min (or less!) each. I cannot overstate what a great game this is, even for non-gamers. Kids can play, too. (This has been my 12yo’s favorite game for a few years)

    13. This summer we played 5 Second Rule (there are family and adult versions) and Head’s Up on our phones a lot.

  23. Looking for some advice, please be kind.

    This weekend a Very Stressful Event happened to our family. Everyone is okay, but there was about a half hour of chaos/confusion, including the fact that our small child’s life had been in danger (she is fine, THANK G_D). My DH showed up about 15 minutes later than everyone else, and didn’t get very clear info about what was going on.

    When he figured it out, he yelled “You’re an idiot” at me twice in my sister’s living room, and then went out the door to continue dealing with the Event, which was admittedly at least partially my fault (and the rest a freak accident-type thing). She followed him outside and told him he needed to get it together, and to calm down. I didn’t ask her to do this. I am pretty certain I would have said very similar things as my husband if the tables were turned, and he has sincerely apologized for losing his temper at me.

    Later that night, she told me that she can’t have abusive male behavior like that in her house, her children were traumatized and still recovering, and that my husband isn’t allowed into her house until he comes to her and apologizes. My husband is livid at her intervening and making a stressful situation way more stressful than it needed to be. He is also really hurt that she is now treating him as some sort of abuser instead of her family and a good person who had a really bad moment and then took responsibility for his actions. He has told me that she isn’t welcome at our house until she apologizes to him. We live up the street from one another, and our families and kids are incredibly close.

    I am heartsick and sad. I don’t know whether to even communicate these respective ultimatums to the other person. I have made clear to each of them that I see both of their perspectives and I am doing my best to stay out of the middle and steer clear of codependency. But of course I’m crushed. Even though I know this isn’t true, because the Event was an accident that may have happened because I made a dumb parenting call, I am feeling like this is ALL MY FAULT. The Event is going to come with a number of other stresses/bills that we weren’t counting on. I’m sick to my stomach. This morning I woke up and for about 2 minutes felt great, and then remembered everything.

    1. I don’t think I can comment until I know more about “The Event”. Did you kid almost drown in the pool? Get stung by a bee? Fall off a trampoline? How endangered was the child?

    2. “I don’t know whether to even communicate these respective ultimatums to the other person.”

      My advice is, instead of communicating these ultimatums, tell them to talk directly to each other. It also sounds like whatever happened was kind of a big deal, and the fallout might take a while to play out, so you probably shouldn’t expect them to resolve their differences quickly.

      I don’t really have a comment on whether or not the yelling was acceptable because you’re being really vague about what exactly happened. I am not a fan of yelling in general and try to avoid it and am loathe to tolerate it from other people, but in stressful situations sometimes people yell. Your sister might be right or she might be overreacting. Regardless, this is now an issue between the two of them. It affects you, but they’re the ones who have a problem with each other and putting you in the middle is not an acceptable way of dealing with it.

    3. First off, I’m really glad your child is okay.

      Second, I’d say a couple of things:

      -Is your sister someone whose judgment you ordinarily trust? How has her relationship with your husband been in the past? Take some time to think about whether her reaction to your husband’s behavior has some merit. She’s giving you an outside perspective on how this interaction looked, and maybe you should consider that a bit. This is fresh right now, so give it a bit of time to settle.

      -Whatever your responsible for said Event was, you’re not responsible for other people’s behavior, including your husband’s (which I don’t love) or your sister’s (which actually sounds pretty normal in the moment…I don’t view following him and telling him to calm down as making things more stressful).

      -It’s unclear to me what your husband thinks your sister needs to apologize for, unless he’s asking her to apologize for the fact that she’s uncomfortable with how he treated you. Even if she’s overreacting, the fact that he’s throwing out ultimatums and requiring apologies seems off to me. Is it possible that he’s ashamed of his own behavior, and he’s displacing that by trying to make this someone else’s fault?

      1. Thank you.

        – My sister is someone whose judgement I trust, but who can also be kind of a special snowflake. DH has gone through some mental illness stuff that has made him not always a great partner, and I think she’s still angry at him for that. But thanks to counseling and treatment for him, our relationship has completely transformed, and that isn’t a short-term thing. I think that’s why casting him back in the role of someone who can’t be in her house is extra hurtful to us both. And it does hurt me too, the fact that she isn’t trusting me on this one.

        – I don’t love anyone’s behavior in this situation. I wish my sister could have waited to raise her issues with my husband ‘s yelling later. I completely agree that she has the right to say that yelling wasn’t okay.

        -I think yes, for sure, he’s ashamed and is displacing. But also, he’s really, truly taken responsibility and made it right with me. I think the subsequent treating him like a monster is what has him so angry. He has also raised the possibility of racism. He is a large man of color. My sister’s husband certainly yells and has even raised a hand to her in the distant past (I swear we all aren’t the most dysfunctional people in the world), so he feels hurt at what seems like a double standard as well.

        I don’t care who’s right. Both have legit issues, and this is not something I ever wanted to be in the middle of AT ALL.

        1. Would the fact that your sister has suffered abuse from her husband possibly mean that’s she’s understandably sensitive about male anger and maybe even merit some kindness? Angry male shouting can be very, very triggering. I don’t tolerate it well. In the moment I’m ok, but it gives me the shakes sometimes afterwards because my adrenaline has spiked so badly.

    4. Don’t forget that you experienced this traumatic event also. Take care of yourself and give this time. Let everyone recover/cool off. You don’t need the added stress of managing your husband/sister. Can you get out of communicating ultimatums and tell them it’s between them to work out because you are dealing with your own trauma? Maybe it’s good that they take a break from each other (can you frame it that way if you have to?)

      1. Thank you. I needed to hear that. It was most traumatic for me, and yet I’m the one getting the least support. That’s what I’ve said so far to my husband, is that time and space are healthy and the right thing right now.

    6. I’m really sorry that all of this is happening. I think you need to give this time. It sounds like what happened was traumatizing to you, your husband, your child, and your sister/her family. It sounds like what happened may have happened at your sister’s house, which also understandably makes it even more upsetting for her/her family. I would not be able to easily get over watching a scenario where my kid’s or any other kid’s life was in danger, and I think it would be really hard to have to live with visible reminders of such a scary moment.

      I think that your husband and your sister need to have a calm discussion where they both recognize that they said some things in the heat of the moment and that they both could have handled it better. Your sister has to acknowledge that your husband is not actually an abuser, and your husband has to recognize that your sister defending you from a guy who had just completely lost his cool was not improperly “intervening” in a stressful situation.

    7. Your husband sounds like a d!ck and your sister may or may not be overreacting, it’s hard to tell, but she does get to choose who is welcome in her own home.

      I’m really sorry you’re caught in the middle of all of this. Are you paying attention to your own needs at all? Can you put them first for just a little bit?

    8. I think this is a problem you can and should briefly ignore. When feelings aren’t running as high, the situation between your husband and sister may very well resolve itself. Right? It sounds like your sister, who loves you and was frightened, jumped to defending you and your husband, who loves you and was frightened, jumped to defending your mutual parenting after freaking out at you. Everyone is acting with their reptile brains right now.

      If the issue doesn’t naturally resolve itself, I’d start by talking about things with your sister. Does she have concerns about your safety in your relationship that you haven’t noticed or acknowledged for yourself? Find out. If she does, I think I’d talk to her about how you two can maintain your relationship within the bounds of your current situation. If she doesn’t have concerns and you’re safe doing so, talk to your husband about the incident. You might point out that she and he are on the same side: yours. He’s offended by being seen as abusive because he wouldn’t harm you. Can you acknowledge that accusations like that suck but encourage him to frame it as proof that his sister-in-law has his wife’s back so thoroughly?

      I hope there’s a conclusion to all of this that makes you happier and your family bonds stronger. In the meantime, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      1. I like this advice and also agree you can tell both of them to deal directly with the other – especially since you live so close by. If necessary, maybe you could ask a therapist to moderate a family meeting? Since your husband has been in treatment perhaps he could draw on some professional resources. It also sounds like your sister’s history with domestic violence could be coloring her reaction, which could be completely unconscious on her part (and thus a little easier to forgive maybe?).

        I’m sorry this happened – it sounds really difficult for everyone. I am really glad that your daughter is okay. I’d love to meet the parent who has never made a stupid mistake that could have terrible consequences – we are all human. If it makes you feel any better, my father accidentally broke my leg when I was 1.5, and my mother left my infant brother in the car once and forgot to set the parking break, so the car rolled onto a neighbor’s lawn. He also fell down the stairs once as a baby. I gave my son tylenol in a way that made him choke and start wheezing so much he had to go to the emergency room when he was 6 months old. He rolled off the changing table and fell on the floor another time. I’m sure there is more I am forgetting…

    9. I also would like to know what kind of Event it was, but there are a few things that jump out at me. But first and foremost, I’m glad your child is ok. This is not your fault, by the way. Accidents happen. You can’t supervise a child 24/7.

      I used to be a lifeguard, and I saw families react when a child almost drowned. Your husband is making this about him. I’m concerned he blamed and yelled at you over an accident (an accident by definition is unintentional, whether caused by your neglience or not, so blaming you is not helpful as you did not intend for your child to be injured/endangered) instead of focusing on making sure the child is OK. I’m also concerned that in the aftermath, rather than being concerned about talking through reasonable ways to prevent accidents or brainstorming bills (likely indicating medical treatment for the child and follow up, another concern)…he is mad at your sister and saying she cannot visit HIS house.

      This is not about him.

      I’m also concerned your sister said he is abusive. Was this truly a once in a lifetime fly off the handle situation, or has she noticed other red flags before?

      1. Thank you for this perspective.

        In my opinion they’re both making it about themselves. Which has me doing some thinking about my closest relationships. Neither of them seems to realize that leaves me with very little support and lots of extra stress.

        There were more than red flags before DH went into inpatient treatment. Since then there have been zero, zip, zilch. This is something sister has observed and remarked on and affirmed to me more than once, without being asked.

    10. I grew up in a yell-y but very loving family (my grandparents are all immigrants to the US from the same area and our culture is ‘passionate’ and we raise our voices a lot) and I think I have a higher tolerance for yelling than some, but I don’t think yelling “You’re an idiot” in the heat of a very stressful moment is remotely abusive, especially if he apologized as soon as the situation was resolved. I think your sister is way overreacting. I can totally understand why she wouldn’t choose him as a life partner, but I think preventing him from being in her home is just nuts and I’d be pretty offended in your husband’s shoes. I don’t really have any advice, sorry, but I generally side with your husband here. DH and I yell at each other from time to time and occasionally use insults like ‘idiot’ when we’re very stressed, and I’d be very hurt if someone described either of us abusive.

      I’m very glad your kiddo is ok.

      1. I deeply hate name calling and insults (as in, I may experience a panic attack if someone starts yelling names at me), but even I’ll make exceptions if it’s fair (if I did something idiotic, being called an idiot feels different from just being attacked, and it feels more respectful than someone trying to sweep my mistake under a rug to “never speak of it again”). I’m not saying it’s ideal, but I would not experience this as abuse.

    11. Yikes, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I’ve been reading the comments backwards to see what’s new so I saw your story of the event downthread, and while logically it wasn’t your fault, I can imagine that knowing that his child had been in danger even for just a moment causes him immense stress and fear, and he’s not handling it as well as he should, and he’s throwing all his disproportionate anger at you since you seem to be the target that makes the most sense. Let him cool off, then when he’s ready to have a level-headed discussion, tell him that while it was natural for him to fear for his child, and you hope something like that never happens again, he needs to get a handle on his anger in situations like that.

    12. Your husband is being a child. You say he made it right and took responsibility for his actions – but he hasn’t. He screamed insults at his wife in someone else’s house in front of their small children. He needs to apologize to the hosts and their kids. I would say that even if this were a casual friend or neighbor. The fact that the hosts in question were your family makes it even more obvious that he needs to apologize. I’m flabbergasted that neither you nor he seem to see that.

      Your sister had every right to usher him out of her home while he was screaming insults at you in front of her children. It is her home her kids, she gets to say what behavior is not acceptable. And his behavior definitely was not acceptable. I can’t believe your husband has the gall to be mad at HER.

      This is not a grey issue where you get to not be in the middle of it. Your sister is right and your husband is wrong and you need to broker a peace between your chosen family and your family of origin. And that means getting your husband to stop being a child and actually take responsibility for his actions.

      1. Oh I am not saying he needs to apologize. In fact, I think he does. I think they BOTH owe each other apologies. I think my sister had every right to do what she did. Treating him after the fact like an abuser and banning him from her home is different, and that’s what I’m upset about.

        I am not going to broker a peace here. Because I did not do anything to create this situation. Right now as far as I’m concerned they can all take their hurt and offense and go jump in a lake.

  24. Car brake gave while putting kid in car, kid not strapped in yet, rolled down hill, took out brick wall. Kid completely fine. Car not.

    1. Maybe I don’t understand much about the process of putting kids in cars, but how is this at all your fault?

      1. DH has warned me repeatedly and specifically of dangers of our car shifting out of gear on steep hills.

        1. If you live where it is hilly, pls use the hand brake. I wouldn’t trust anything else.

          2. Putting car in gear of the gear in the opposite direction (hill is fwd, keep in gear in reverse) and engaging the hand brake are two different things.

            also: wheels to the curb.

            I grew up parking stick shift cars on 45 degree hills. AND sometimes you have to have the shop tighten the hand break. AND then sometimes you add wheel chocks. Maybe people don’t know this stuff anymore???

            But it should be important for the OP — sounds like she got lucky this time.

          4. It sounds like it was a known issue with the car that her husband had warned her about so it does sound like her husband was reasonable for being upset with her. If this was the first time the car malfunctioned then obviously a freak accident that’s not her fault.

          5. OP this isn’t your fault. You did everything right. And your kid is OK and that’s what matters. Is there a recall on your car for it shifting out of gear? I know several manufacturers have recalls out for problem that right now.

        2. OK, but I still don’t see how this is your fault at all. Your sister and husband are both in the wrong, IMO. I *almost* side more with your husband, only because extreme fear can show up in crazy, crazy ways. Big hugs to you.

        3. Its worrisome to me if your DH knew this was a problem with your car…that he didn’t fix it. Like not having brakes is a huge huge problem. And then his reaction is to call you an idiot? You should be able to park on a hill and trust that having the hand brake on will keep the car braked. This is not your fault. Your husband shouldn’t be yelling “you idiot”. Your husband should be blaming himself that if he knew something was wrong with the car that you didn’t fix it earlier.

          3. Why is he responsible for fixing her car? He told her there was a problem and she did nothing

    3. That doesn’t sound like that big of a deal actually.

      The things are just things. No one is hurt. That leaves grownups and their emotions, which I hope have calmed down now.

      Does anyone want to sever ties? No. If you all live close and are worried about things heating up when they should be calming down, maybe there is a third party who can help guide the discussion (perhaps a cleric? someone people would be ashamed to get ugly in front of? someone who would bring out the best in everyone?) or is your family a hide-the-ugly-from-strangers family? in which case, let them hammer it out (Greg and Lisa: “I love you all to pieces and am grateful only stuff got hurt in The Event. But for our families’ sake, I want you two who I love and are good people, to work out your differences so we keep our relationship on track. I know that you two can settle things with love and understanding that in stressful times we don’t always get it right the first time.”)

    5. Yikes, that sounds really scary and stressful. I’m glad everyone is okay. It takes people a while to calm down from that kind of thing and the aftermath. Sounds like everyone reacted a bit stronger than they needed to in the moment.
      Assuming your sister and your husband are otherwise reasonable people who get along, I’d be tempted to no do anything here except give them some time and space apart. I’d also be clear that you are not playing go-between and they can work this out like adults if they think something needs clearing up. Neither of them reacted perfectly and that’s ok. Forgive yourself, forgive them, and move on.

    6. Oh my god. Was the kid in the car? Were you? I’m so glad everyone is ok but that’s incredibly scary. Hugs to you.

    7. That sounds extremely frightening! So glad everyone is ok. Car accidents happen, and cars can be replaced, but people can’t.

      I made the lifeguard post above…I don’t see how this is your fault, at all. A litigious person would be calling a personal injury attorney to sue the car manufacturer and blame them.

      You had the hand brake on (way to go! I learned to drive on a standard and always use it on my automatic, out of habit). There is not much more you can do. What would your husband like you to do, avoid hills? Buckle your kid in faster? It sounds like you live in a hilly area, and getting kids in cars takes time.

      1. DH could’ve gotten the car fixed if he already knew there was a problem. Seriously, how is someone supposed to be able to drive a car if the brakes, even the hand brake, don’t work?

    8. This is a hard one and I am struggling with how to advise you. The reality (as you know) is that you screwed up and endangered your child. I say that without moral judgment – show me the parent who has not had that happen at least once and I will show you a parent who is oblivious. There but for the grace of God go I. You don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that you were careless and it was dumb luck that nobody was hurt.

      I do not subscribe to the idea that yelling is always abusive. Not everyone agrees and I get that – but yelling at your spouse when you are terrified and on an adrenaline high is not the same as backhanding her. Endanger my child (no matter how unintentionally) and it is quite likely that I am going to absolutely lose my mind in that moment. Your sister was also upset, but she does not get to label your husband as an abuser because he lost his temper and frankly I think you need to take his side here and tell her that. He yelled at you; she and her kids (who were probably pretty upset anyway) were upset more. Maybe (once everyone calms down) you encourage both him and her to apologize for upsetting the other.

      In any event, this ultimatum “he/she is not welcome in my house” stuff is b*llsh*t and you need to put a stop to it. If you husband is not welcome in your sister’s house, neither are you or your children. You need to tell her that. Your husband does not get to dictate who comes into your house and your sister is welcome as long as she treats your husband with respect. You need to tell him that.

      And maybe wait until everyone calms down, make sure the kids are somewhere else, and tell the two of them to talk to each other. Everyone was scared and everyone was behaved badly but they need to let it go. Nobody is at their best when they are terrified. Good luck. This one is hard.

      1. Thank you for your honesty and kindness. I do feel culpable, and the degree to which I am, to me, is somewhat irrelevant here. I’m having a hard time letting DD do ordinary kid things without hovering right now. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I keep reliving the Event over and over again in my mind. I haven’t been able to eat, or sleep without taking something OTC.

        I agree with you re yelling. My sister’s house is a place where it is not okay to really express anger, and that’s definitely a factor here. My husband and I both have hot tempers, and we really try to teach peace by explaining that everyone loses their tempers sometimes, and what’s important is how you handle it. I cannot say at ALL that I wouldn’t have reacted the same way my husband did if the tables were turned.

        I agree, the ultimatum stuff is complete bullshit and I am not interested in participating. I am in active recovery from codependency (Al-anon is so great!!!) and I am mainly interested in protecting my own sanity (and my kid, who loves my sister and her fam) here. I agree that it’s unfair to characterize my husband as an abuser, and I’m angry with her for that. But I also really, really don’t want to get in the middle of this and try to play peacemaker. I’m not sure, if my sister has made up her mind that my big scary husband of color is an abuser, that there’s anything I could do to change it. It would just be perceived as my minimizing and making excuses, poor battered me.

        I’m angry because my sister’s actions really are all premised on the idea that I’m not capable of either standing up for myself or for making intelligent decisions about my family and my relationships. I feel SO judged. And I know that’s where my husband’s anger is from too. I’m just not sure a) that it’s a good idea to get involved, and b) that my doing so will make a lick of difference.

        1. Absolutely agree you should not mediate or be in the middle! I would tell them I am not the telephone and that if they have issues with each other, they need to talk to each other (not in front of the kids) and then let it go. Frankly, it sounds like you and your husband have worked this out between yourselves pretty well. (Yeah for therapy teaching people to communicate about hard stuff!) And you need to tell your sister that she does not get to define your relationship and your feelings for you. She may have been trying to help, but right now she is just making it worse.

          And this is really, really hard – but give yourself permission to forgive yourself. Constantly re-living your mistakes will make you crazy. Parenting guilt is the worst kind – but even really good parents sometimes make mistakes. The simple fact that you are so upset and taking this so seriously means that you are a good parent who is doing her best. The perfect parent who never screws up, never loses their temper, always says the right thing, and never forgets to take every possible safety precaution is a myth.

        2. Do you have a therapist or Al-Anon sponsor to work through your reaction to this traumatic event? I’m concerned you aren’t eating, sleeping, feeling unhappy upon waking.

          How is your child taking this? Is he/she old enough to understand what happened?

          1. I don’t, but this is an excellent reminder to seek out that kind of support.

            Our kiddo is mostly perturbed by the strong grown up feelings. She understands that we were scared, but the seriousness does not seem to have made an impression. When asked about the event, she tells people about the popsicle she got at the ER.

        3. My dear. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. As a parent I can only begin to imagine how scary and stressful that must have been for you, and how you are feeling right now! Not just the stress of The Event, but add to that The Mom Guilt and then to that the scene with your sister and husband and the Fear of permanent family breakup and The Guilt thing again.
          I totally hear you on the judgment from your sister. I have a similar dynamic with my brother where he feels he has to protect me. Oh yeah I am his OLDER sister by several years so I’ve grown up protecting him. Throw in a whole lot of male ego on top of your sister’s sisterly care to make the perfect mix of “you can’t look after yourself so I have to” cocktail.

          But for today, that’s all irrelevant. Here. Sit down for a bit today. Beg off work if you have to. Take a sick day. Go and sit by a beach (or pool or park or quiet area) with a cup of tea. Distract yourself with a book. Go get a pedicure. Whatever you can do to take your mind off All of it. Take some deep breaths and try to remind yourself that you all are still here, your baby is ok thank goodness, your husband is back from inpatient treatment and is good to you, and that it’s all going to be ok with your sister because ultimately she loves you.
          I’m sorry you had to go through this and I’m sending you lots of stranger love (and now that sounds strange!).

          1. Thank you for the hugs. I really needed them today. I wish I could take that sick day, but for a variety of reasons it isn’t possible right now. But there are other ways I can take time for myself.

            It really helps to be seen like this, brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.

    9. Holy cr@p. This is terrifying.
      Once, DH forgot to put break on – he was driving and we were both half-through exiting the car. He totally froze and I vaulted back in off the door handle into the passenger seat as the car started rolling down the hill. I pulled the break with all my might and realized the break isn’t holding against gravity and momentum. Thankfully it slowed it down enough the impact was fairly small but it was the scariest thing ever.

    10. I have a post in mod but mother did something very similar when my younger brother was an infant. It tore up our neighbor’s lawn. In her case I think she forgot to put the parking break on at all, and had left him in the car seat alone for a minute while running in the house. You are not alone!

      1. My MIL forgot to put on the parking brake and the car rolled over her own leg.

      2. Yep–as a small child my mom was cleaning out the car after we road tripped to a relative’s house, and ran inside for some reason, leaving me (around 6, picking things up in the back seat with the door open) and my two year old sister in the car–my sister managed to climb in front and put the car in neutral and it rolled down the hill into a neighbor’s car. I got yelled at not because my sister did that, but because my reaction was to jump out of the car when that started! (My sister was fine)

    11. Please check and see if there is a safety recall on your car for this issue. There may not be (in which case there is other good information in this thread on how to prevent this in the future) but there may be, and getting it fixed can prevent this in the future. You can check through your manufacturer or on the NHTSA website.

      1. Thank you for saying this. There is a safety recall for this issue that I didn’t know about.

  25. I think it’s weird that the sister would want an “apology” as absolution for “abusive” behavior. Is it possible that the DH said something to her that was inappropriate and he should apologize? Like when she followed him outside? Losing your temper is not necessarily “abusive” though calling it that may have exacerbated the situation.

    1. That’s what has me mad. I’m mad at my husband for losing his temper. I’m mad at my sister for turning a momentary, extremely understandable lapse in self-control into accusations of my DH being an abuser who isn’t safe to be in her home.

      1. I would not get involved as mediator. You can speak with both of them and encourage them to work it out, saying you are all on the same team (team child safety). But If I were you, I would (1) not communicate ultimatums as that will make the other parties angry at you as the messenger (2) not try to smooth things over on behalf of the other party. If you try to convince her he wasn’t abusive, or convince him to see things from her point over view (he overreacted), it will likely be perceived as taking the other’s side.

      2. I really would not be mad at your husband here. If I thought my child was in danger of dying or serious injury, I am certain I would yelled out any number of things to my spouse in panic/anger/sadness/shock if I thought he was partially culpable. This was a frightening episode and people blurt out things at such times which they don’t really mean. I’m glad your child is ok. And I think your sister needs to show more compassion here.

        1. I yelled at my four-year-old brother once after he got lost at the mall. It’s a fear reaction. Your husband should apologize but no one should hold it against him.

    2. I kind of see the sister’s point — I wouldn’t want a family member who lives close to me getting all out of sorts in my house.

      OTOH, in a stressful situation, we aren’t always at our best.

      I’d have given him sometime for things to blow over (but would have expected a “Carole, I’m so sorry about the other night. I was so terribly worried that the worst had happened to Betsy that I took it out on Faith. And I’m very sorry that it happened in your house and that your children saw that. Can I have some time to talk to little Timmy and Alice and tell them that I was so worried about Betsy that I lost my manners (Lost My Manners / Lost Your Manners are my trademark, we use this a LOT in our house)?” IMO that is how you get on the right side of this for all involved.

    3. What? He lost his sh!t in sister’s house in front of her kids. Of course he owes her an apology. You don’t get to behave like a crazy person and just go on like nothing happened.

      1. It’s not crazy to yell when your car rolls down the driveway with your kid inside. Who are these martyrs who have never raised their voice in their life? y’all are completely unreasonable.

        1. Seriously. I yelled at my husband this morning because he had forgotten to take out the trash (his chore) and it was trash day. If my daughters life was in danger you’d better believe I’d scream.

          1. Agree. My father has a tendency to yell AT us when he’s terrified for us. I got a scary diagnosis once and he yelled at me for having a tumor. Lie tall “What the HECK, anon?!?” But it wasn’t heck.

        2. You’re being intentionally obtuse. Yelling because you’re afraid and screaming insults at your spouse are totally separate.

      2. Yelling when a car is rolling down the street with your kid inside and not strapped in is not “losing your shit.” It’s a totally normal parental reaction. Once it’s clear the kid was safe, he should calm down, which he did.

        1. Lol what. Yelling, you’re an idiot, repeatedly at your spouse is a totally normal reaction? Y’all need therapy.

          1. +1 You can yell out of fear, but yelling that kind of crap at your spouse is not normal. At the very least, not healthy.

          2. I think for men sometimes any kind of vulnerable emotion – sadness, fear – can easily become anger. I don’t think this is abusive or wildly out of line, given the entire situation.

      3. Props to you for being more calm and rational than I. I’m certain I would have been screaming obscenities at a volume the entire neighborhood could hear. My child’s life being in grave danger is exactly when I lose my sh!t in a spectacular way.

        1. Yes, exactly. Surprised by some of the comments here. OP, so glad your daughter is ok.

      4. This is my thing. If it had been any less of a grave event I would feel very differently about my husband’s behavior.

        1. Yelling is a natural reaction. Yelling “YOU IDIOT” is the troubling part.

          I’d yell all manner of obscenities, OMG, etc…I wouldn’t start flipping out on another person in the moment of emergency.

          I say this as someone who endangered her sister and friend’s lives when I was 17. I got in a car accident with them (each 13). I have also been in 4 other accidents (am I cursed?) as recently as a couple months ago when a seemingly drunk driver sideswipped me and a friend, while I was driving, and drove away.

          I have yelled, and screamed, and cried in frustration. I’ve never flipped out with personal insults directed at another person, though, even when they caused the accident.

          I’m also not convinced this accident was your fault. Has your car done this before? If so, it is on both of you for not fixing the breaks. If your husband had a general concern of parking on hills, I don’t think this is your fault, at all, and I would investigate recalls on your vehicle.

          1. Well, I have on occasion yelled at my kid for getting hurt. It’s a fear reaction.
            In my case, kid was walking into wall – walking into wall – I’m yelling to them to watch out for the wall – and bang! They walk into the wall. That (stress + me seeing it coming and not being able to do anything about it) manifests as yelling to me. It would totally be “what an idiot! I was telling you about it and you still did it!”. This is so, so normal to me. If y’all don’t do it then I need to learn from you.
            This has happened multiple times btw and not just with walking into a wall.

          2. Old Yeller, please try and learn not to yell like this at your kid. As someone whose mother would yell like this in times of anxiety, I grew up thinking I was stupid and an idiot who deserved every bad thing that happened to me.

          3. Old yeller pls get help for your anger and abuse issues. Yelling at your child for being a child is wrong abusive and unacceptable

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