Coffee Break: Zippered Writing Folder

104 Comments

1. I was heartened yesterday to see that some other folks are in a situation that I’ve unexpectedly found myself in: I started a new job in January, and it’s becoming clear the fit isn’t right. This has never happened to me before and so I’m not sure what to do from here. In case this helps: I am full-time permanent remote, and always will be as the company has an almost entirely remote workforce; I onboarded remotely and haven’t met any of my colleagues in person yet.

   I could write a novel-length post about what’s wrong, but I think it boils down to 2 key issues: 1. This is a newly-created position and I don’t think when my bosses created the position, they understood what people in a job like mine really do. They don’t seem to know what to do with me, and when I do get involved in a project, they seem taken aback and defensive when I make suggestions or offer to do analyses – which is supposed to be my job. 2. My boss is younger than me, and much less experienced, and seems very insecure about it. I like her as a person, but we seem to clash a lot (politely) in conversations because she seems to think her job is telling me, in minute detail, how to do my job – down to what I should say in meetings or emails. I’m getting very little broader, big-picture guidance (or involvement in the higher-level assignments they talked about in my interview) and a lot of “next time you should use this word instead of that word, because that word is what we’re used to seeing in emails in this company.” Her need to micromanage everything in our department means she is constantly unavailable, overworked/overburdened, etc. and I can’t seem to make headway on getting her to back projects I’ve identified that need to be completed.

   I’ve never, ever, ever even had to consider switching jobs at the six-month mark before, but here I am. I was in my last two jobs for four years and five years, respectively, so I know it won’t necessarily look like I’m “job-hopping,” but it also just bothers me to leave something so soon. Also I’m just kind of exhausted thinking about starting all over somewhere else. But I just can’t seem to get traction where I’m at, and the situation with my boss seems to be getting more tense. I can’t even conceptualize where things will be in six months because I’ve been able to make so little headway in the current six months. Any advice?

   1. I get what you’re saying. OTOH, I often need to say exactly this to new people: “next time you should use this word instead of that word, because that word is what we’re used to seeing in emails”.

      It seems to be the case that you think you were hired to do A and your boss thinks you were hired to do what she tells you go to (which is not or note quite A). Is there anyone else at the company who does A that you can talk to? Or is it the reality that you were hired to work for your boss and either need to move on or adjust to the fact that you don’t do A but just do what your boss asks?

      I can get how hires think “my job is to do lofty projects” when in reality, the hiring people don’t know what they don’t know and the job is just “do what Jane tells you she needs to have done.” No doubt, someone told Jane that you were there to help her out (not necessarily that you were interested in doing A).

      1. I appreciate your perspective. My boss created the job description and was the one who interviewed me for the job, and also had very definitive ideas about what I was supposed to do before I started and from Day 1 of the job, so I am not thinking it’s about role confusion. FYI I’m the only one in the whole company who does A; I do wish there was someone else who did what I do who I could access in the company, but right now I’m the cheese standing alone.

         So, a little bit more info, in case this helps. My professional background (and last two jobs) have been as an analyst who goes in and analyzes a particular aspect of an organization’s operation, makes suggestions on how improvements could be made or there could be better leverage of assets, and then creates and executes action plans for implementing the chosen suggestion(s). When I got hired, my boss, her boss, and my same-level colleagues told me in my interview “we really need someone like you; we are growing fast and some systems have been built haphazardly; you’re going to have tons of opportunity to work with the c-suite on optimizing our operations,” etc. I believed it because my boss’ boss is the COO. Following on to what I’ve outlined above, my main problem has been that I can’t even get analyses completed because to do that, I have to ask questions, and my questions are shut down or answered defensively. I did a whole bunch of what I would term “client education” when I came into the role, for almost my whole first month, so people would understand who I was and what I was there to do, and that I was on their side, there to help them, not there to make cuts or chop heads, etc. Now that I’m in the role and trying to do what I explained I am here to do, no one seems to want to cooperate. “We’re too busy with other things; what we have is not great but it’s working fine for now; we can’t make that a priority,” are all things I keep hearing. I’ll get asked to go do an analysis in a department by the COO or the CEO and then will be told by the department in question, no, we’re not participating in that right now, everyone is too busy. When I take that back to the leaders they kind of shrug their shoulders and say “Okay, I guess we’ll wait then.” No authority is exercised to get the people that report to them to cooperate with anything.

         Then, coupled with that, my boss, as I said, is a micromanager and has no time to do anything higher-level because she’s nitpicking people’s emails all day, and sitting in on their phone calls. I think she’s a genuinely good person but has no idea how to manage an entire business function, and thinks what she’s doing is leadership when it’s actually just driving people crazy (not just me). She told me in my first week, “we are really looking to you to leverage your expertise and tell us what needs to be done for things to work better.” But then every time I try to do that, I get shut down, or told to wait, or that there’s some other, lower-level task that I need to work on (that I actually don’t mind doing because I’d rather be busy than twiddling my thumbs). I am not making what I feel is appropriate progress toward the performance goals I set in the beginning of the year; I have done some other things that are not as big/impactful, and was told “we can always just rewrite your goals to reflect that stuff.” But, I came to the organization to do the bigger stuff and if I can’t do that stuff, I feel like I’m wasting my time.

         I could probably ride this out for awhile longer, but I feel like I’m losing out on opportunities to do the work I was trained to do (and really love), vs. just making PowerPoint presentations for my boss. I also just sense that as time goes on and I keep talking to my boss about things I could be doing, or trying to draw her focus to actually moving initiatives forward, she is getting frustrated and the relationship isn’t working. It’s cordial but I can sense that she would really prefer that I just sit down, shut up, and do what I’m told, which is really not what I want to spend 8 hours a day doing. My husband has told me to keep my mouth shut, keep taking the paychecks, and let them fire me if it comes down to that, but I don’t feel good about that – especially because the job market is so hot right now and I could probably get another job without a lot of effort.

         1. Have you tried providing some of this direct feedback with your boss? There are ways to do so while mitigating her defensive tendencies (not to say they will work perfectly…). But at the 6+ month mark it is time for a good sitdown and overview on the role, how you feel it is going, how she feels it is going, and what you need from her to do your job. It could actually work. if it doesn’t, then you have a really clear conscience to move on.

   2. Just move on. Like you say, you were at your last jobs for years, so a job that was a poor fit won’t be a red flag. Like with the other poster afraid of quitting litigation, it’s ok to not try to solve a bad situation.

   3. My first job out of law school involved a boss who would try and dictate my word choice in emails. He once flew into a rage (literally, red in the face screaming) when I addressed an email to two clients with the clients reversed in order of their seniority within their company. It was a ridiculous situation in other ways too, such as the instruction that I not hang my diplomas in my office because the schools I attended would offend people.

      It didn’t end well of course, and I was let go within the first year. But a decade later with a healthy career, I can recognize that as the blessing it is.

      1. oh my goodness – did you have the same first job out of law school as me?! I still don’t have my diplomas framed because I wasn’t “allowed” to at my first job so it’s at the bottom of a never-ending to-do list.

   4. Run! That sounds honestly miserable to me.

   5. Ugh! So something like this happened to me, more than 15 years ago now, and its still a painful memory. I would absolutely start looking, and also let your former managers know you are looking in case they hear of anything (assuming you left on good terms). In my case, it was more clear that my new employer was unhappy with me, and I might be fired if I didn’t leave, so I had a lot of motivation to search. I ended up finding a new job with help from my former boss, and then stayed there 8 years. I generally leave the awful job I only had for 6 months off my resume now and just use years for my employment dates. (I disclose it well into the interview process).

      The full story: I was called into the Executive Director’s office after 3 months and she basically just let me know she was unhappy with me. She gave me very little actionable feedback – e.g., I was primarily a grant writer, and she told me my writing was “lumpy.” In hindsight, they had completely unrealistic expectations and I was set up to fail – I only had about 1.5 years of experience and had to report to a consultant that the E.D. told me was not actually my supervisor, but she was going to let the consultant THINK she was my supervisor, and that would be our secret. Consultant and E.D. generally wanted things done differently. Consultant was best friends with the donor who bankrolled 50% of this non-profit’s budget, plus most of their other major donors. As a result, although she drove the whole staff nuts, they could not get rid of her. They thought I could deal with the consultant so they wouldn’t have to, but the consultant just went around me constantly, and I couldn’t tell her not to because she thought she was my boss. (Writing this all out I see it was ridiculous). Anyway, it was terrible when I was in it but it is now a blip in my career. Good luck!

   6. I once filled someone’s shoes at his suggestion because it was the only way he could move up, to find a replacement. And then he sabotaged me at every turn, I suppose because he didn’t want me to appear to do the job better than he had done it. It was awful. I survived five years and used that time to get my salary up (they kept dumping more responsibility on me and I would only accept it with a raise, and on one occasion a title increase) and it paid off in my next job because I got to demand a higher salary to start.

      But it is awful feeling like they’re trying to manage you out of a job they talked you into taking. In hindsight, even for the money, I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did because quality of life matters too.

2. How many of y’all are back in the office? We’re not going back until January. I’m thankful given all the stuff about variants!

   1. Back for a while. Had shots. Not personally concerned re the variants. Out of my hands.

   2. Hospital employee, never worked from home. The majority of our patients seem not to be interested in the vaccine.

      1. Can you please say where you are when you say things like this?

   3. I’m remote with an ax above my head. My grandboss is an old-fashioned grumpy old man who hates remote work, but my boss has managed to keep us remote by sending him incredibly detailed reports through our PLM system that show the minutae of what we do day-to-day. She’s avoiding the issue, but he could pitch a fit and demand us back at any moment.

      I’m looking for a new job, but this place is so outdated that I don’t know the software that my field requires now. It all uses massive amounts of data so “practicing” with dummy projects isn’t feasible.

   4. I’ve been back in the office full time since January and I’m very happy about it. WFH was not for me.

   5. My company shut down a few building locations across the country, including mine. Now I’m a permanent WFH employee. There were rumors that this would happen by the end of 2021, but I think covid accelerated the timeline. Once travel resumes, I’ll probably travel to HQ for our quarterly planning meetings.

   6. I’m back in the office and have been for quite some time. Not a fan of WFH, it felt like I was living from work. I’m fully vaccinated and while I understand that the variants have had some breakthroughs, I’m going to live my life within reason.

      1. Same on all fronts.

      2. This is me. I found that while I could maybe deal with WFH one or two days per week, it’s decidedly not for me on a permanent basis. I was a bit worried coming back into the office, but immediately appreciated the clear delineation between work and home, and my mood and productivity (both and work and in my personal life) definitely improved.

      3. Same. I just can’t do WFH for the rest of my worklife living at work, although if the “H” part included working from the public library, I might reconsider in the future. I need the physical separation of my residence and my workplace to be productive and efficient. Also, since my residence and office are in suburban locations and I drive to work, there’s practically no risk of catching a disease during my commute.

      4. Same, precisely.

   7. Company is still figuring out what modes to allow or offer going forward. I’ve been wfh for the last year. It looks like they will require masks and distancing for unvaccinated in-person workers. This and me being vaccinated makes it seem quite safe to me. I’ve recently voluntarily started going in once a week. I know everyone has their own situation and I think we can totally make things work with remote people. Personally, I’d enjoy if more people came back a few days a week and have a little bit of office life instead of a ghost town.

   8. Never was out of the office; but we have a very small office in an essential industry. My industry had increased restrictions and social distancing measures, however is now 75% back in regular mode. Trainings are still remote, but my fall conference schedule is absolutely ridiculous.

   9. Not back (slated for October) but not particularly worried about the variants. Even if my vaxxed self catches it, it’s likely to be at worst an annoying cold…

   10. Been back in the office since last August, doing work that could just as easily be done from home or anywhere else for that matter. I’ve been vaccinated for a while and just getting on with things. Can’t change it, so it’s not worth stressing over.

   11. Not officially back, but I can go into the office if/when I want to for short term things (e.g., use the printer, find an old paper file). I go in maybe once a week, just to get out of the house. At most, maybe three other staff are there as well, in a huge building. Plus we are all vaccinated at this point, so I’m not worried. I just wonder how long my company will go on paying the rent (or maybe we are locked into a lease?) on our huuuuuge office building, when most of us worked from home half-time even before covid.

   12. They’ve announced we’re “remote forever if you want it.” I’ll probably go in a couple times a month. Boss said he’s only willing to go back twice a week. Not worried about variants: healthy, vaccinated, live in a high vax area – it’d likely be like a cold for me too. I’ll get a booster whenever they tell us to.

   13. I’ve been back in the office since last fall. I hate WFH so much. I’m fully vaccinated and my coworkers are too.

   14. I’m WfH. Our urban, high public-transit commute office has a policy of you can come in if you want but you need to sign up. No masking. No distancing. No vax required. An employee who moved out of state during the pandemic messaged me earlier this week that she was flying in town and which day would I prefer to come into the office to meet with her. The Google doc sign-up hadn’t been updated in ages and I went into kind of a panic.

       I am vaxxed but have an underlying health condition that has me deeply concerned if I were to catch what would be without symptoms or “mild” for others (I can’t even take aspirin because of high stroke risk) and I worry on what I could take home given my husband is immune compromised (he is also vaxxed but shows no antibodies). I feel like we’re living in different worlds right now. No, co-worker, I don’t want to go in for no clear reason other than you happen to be in the area–and especially not knowing for how long I’ll be in a meeting room with an unknown number of unmasked people . The stakes feel so high and yet I don’t want to be the one weirdo who seems “afraid.” (And how great is a meeting where you’re the only one in a room wearing a mask that no one else can hear?)

       Thankfully she didn’t push the issue (she is super kind and normally I would have LOVED to see her), but it seems awful to have to navigate this sort of stuff. And now I’m in this sort of awkward thing of wondering if my boss is going to hear and if that will have an impact on me in any way even though technically our office isn’t officially “open.”

       I don’t like to make waves, but I also keep thinking that I am going to have to be my own health advocate for a bit. I mean, how many people would say to me it’s “only aspirin” even though I know for me that it’s not.

       1. Sounds like you should be pursuing medical accommodations so you don’t have to do this dance.

   15. WFH has been extended until December at my employer. They’re is no indication if at that point it will be extended again, or there will be a partial recall to the office.

   16. I’m permanently WFH. I’m really struggling with it, I feel like I have no separation between home and work and both my job performance and my mental health are suffering. Just trying to remind myself that long term this could be a blessing for our family. Pre-Covid I wanted to find a fully remote job bc my husband is a professor who is WFH in the summer, so when our kids are in elementary school my job would have been the only thing tying us to our current location. But spending our summers in Europe or whatever other cool place feel a long way off right now and I really hate the day to day lifestyle of having my home and office be the same place.

   17. Never left. I work in healthcare, though not with patients; my company decided that everyone should stay in the office. We got shots almost immediately after they became available, and I’m not the slightest bit worried about variants. Honestly, I rarely even think about COVID nowadays, except when I visit this s!te and a few others.

   18. My office finally sent out return to work guidance, everyone will be in the office at least three days a week come September. It seems…fine? But also like they really haven’t thought it through (they aren’t supporting us to purchase dual sets of equipment like monitors, docking stations, mouse, keyboard), no clarity on how we will juggle the high number of people taking zoom calls in a lower number (and lower capacity) of conference rooms than we had before, due to ventilation issues, etc. Some people are outraged, never wanted to come back in ever, or they wouldn’t ever have been happy with the health precautions. For me, I’m just a little worried that we’re going to have all the hassle of commuting those three days every week without the benefit of actually being able to find everyone when we’re in the office. We also work exclusively on overseas projects, so we will almost never have a meeting without someone calling in from another country. I think we will be less productive going in, but I’m hopeful it will be a sanity improvement.

       Who knows how it will all go, and how long it will last before the guidance changes again because of variants.

       1. This. I’m on the team doing our planning for coming back and then an ongoing hybrid plan and literally everyone wants something different and everyone is unhappy. It is kind of freeing in a way:) We’re generally planning on being back after Labor Day, with a structured hybrid schedule at first to ensure social distancing and longer term a more flexible 2 – 3 day a week hybrid. Some people want to all be in the office the same days (a la Vanguard) to promote collaboration. Some people want to spread the days out over the week for coverage. We are not paying for home office equipment because leadership prefers people be in the office (I’m not saying I agree with this) and don’t want to encourage it any more than they have to. You can submit your proof of vaccination to HR and then you can be maskless. We are already getting people ratting each other out on masks and calling the HR helpdesk to tell us we are ‘violating their Nuremberg rights.’ It’s super fun.

          1. This sounds a lot like the discussions happening in my place as well. Whenever we try to discuss any given work mode, people get lost in the million details and exceptions (what if I’m on travel that week?) or start ranting that they don’t need to come into the office to get their job done (yes lovely coworker, I’m sure you can, but agreeing on the right schedule for you specifically was never the point of this meeting).
             I think same day makes sense on a per-team basis, but same day for everyone (I believe google will be doing T-W-T in office for all), negates any potential alleviation on parking issues, office space limitations or traffic levels.

   19. Never left the office.

   20. WFH and absolutely love it. Love the independence, flexibility and free time thanks to a lack of commute. Absolutely love it.

3. Clients – do you want out of office replies from your lawyer, accountant, or other professional? I learned that over half the partners at my firm go on vacation, do not turn on “out of office”, do not have their assistant read their emails while they’re gone, AND only check email once or twice per week of vacation. I know everyone’s practices and response times vary, but I am religious about turning on my OOO reply and am surprised at the number of people who don’t use them. Thoughts?

   1. I don’t turn on out of office (lawyer) but I check my email and respond as necessary. I would never let a client email sit unanswered while I was out.

   2. For confidentiality reasons, our assistants aren’t allowed to read our e-mails.

   3. Depends on what you are doing for me and whether you are going to respond (more than letting me know you are on vacation).

      If we are working on a live urgent issue, I’m assuming you would have told me you were going away and who was my go to while you are away.

      If we are not doing anything urgent and you are going to reply within 24 hours, no need to put the out of office on from my perspective. If you plan to take more than 24 hours, put the auto reply on.

   4. In house, everyone uses OOO. When I was in Biglaw, people only used them for major trips; the expectation was you checked email daily and forwarded to others for assistance as needed.

   5. I tend not to set up an OOO reply, but I check email once or twice per day, not once or twice per week. If my access to email were going to that limited, I would likely set up an OOO reply.

      I was on vacation once when my boss’s father passed away. A client couldn’t reach boss or his son (also a lawyer at our firm) and reached out to me instead. I was glad my OOO wasn’t on so that I could more easily step in, without the client feeling like nobody was available.

      Last time I was on vacation, though, I received an email while driving between Point A and Point B (about a 3 hour drive). I didn’t check my email until 4:00 pm on the Friday before a holiday weekend, and the work needed to be done before Tuesday morning. It probably would have been better if my client had known I was OOO. (I ended up calling the client at 4:00 and then doing the work before noon on Tuesday, and the bank also relaxed the deadline a bit, so it all worked out.)

   6. I appreciate seeing the OOO if they are going to be gone/unlikely to respond to me for a week or more. Otherwise, it doesn’t bother me.

   7. Yes, as in-house counsel, I want to know when my outside counsel is OOO. First, I have yet to need something from outside counsel that is so urgent that I need an urgent response and if I did, I would figure it out a different way (I just told an associate not to work on my questions over the weekend because it is absolutely not necessary). Second, it helps me set my own internal timelines and expectations.

      Yes, I do.

      1. SAME HERE! I’m in-house and have had a couple of situations where I needed an answer within a week but outside counsel had not set an OOO message and apparently wasn’t checking their email. Those situations were rough. I am happy for outside counsel to take vacations and do not expect them to work while on their vacations (I want them to unplug!) but please just sent an OOO so that I know to manage my expectations or so that I’ll know who to send an inquiry to instead. That helps me understand that I can immediately send my email to someone else and not wait 1-2 days before realizing that you haven’t responded and I need to track someone else down.

         Likewise, I don’t want the CEO of my company (who I view as a client) to send a question to me and then wonder for days whether I’m going to answer it, so I set an OOO when I’m out for a day or more. Our GC sets them even for an afternoon off, but if I’m only out for an afternoon, I will check around 4 and triage anything that seems urgent.

   8. I do, because of the role I’m in — people who email me are generally asking for help on something and they generally need that help immediately. If I’m not in the office they need to know they should go ask somebody else.

   9. I’m in house.
      When I managed outside counsel, I would expect a heads up vacation/OOO pointing to someone else if there is an urgent issue.

      At my current company, I put up a fairly detailed/expectation setting OOO for my internal clients. I will point to specific people for specific issues. For anything high priority/urgent, I tell them to call/text my work cell. Emails will be responded to when I return unless urgent (see: call or texting cell). I have gotten good about checking email once a day but I’ve been pushed to limit that further for my August vacation. I can check my work cell for texts/calls once a day-ish but that should be it. My boss has set a really great tone (he’s been here forever) and the company is generally really great about respecting vacations.

4. I grew up taking the bus into Port Authority in NYC before I was old enough to drive, so I think of myself as a pretty streetwise city girl not prone to getting the vapors about things. Today, I was in my non-NYC-city’s central business district with my kids (teens). There was a guy walking around with his pants down around his knees and the rest of the world around us didn’t seem to bat an eye. Like go even into a bad part of the city and especially there, the older ladies (and probably some older men, too) would likely fuss at your to get your pants up. [In my area, people would probably call the non-emergency number to have civil servants deal with this.] But, ugh, I hate what cities are becoming. My kids love going to them and walking around and are at the age where it feels very sophisticated to them (and they get to go to museums and plays, at least in before times). We’ve gotten yelled at and followed before, but I’m not used to this during the day.

   1. I don’t get what you’re driving at. These types of things were always an issue in NYC and in other places too I’m sure. There’s always been a population that’s homeless and/or mentally ill that does these things. I mean I saw the same in midtown NYC on a leisurely Saturday morning stroll to get coffee 10+ years ago – pants all the way down, rummaging thru garbage. Cities have museums and culture but they also have grossness in the form of many homeless people.

   2. What?? Why would anyone want to interact with a pants-less man? Ignoring him seems by far the best way to go. He obviously has issue and I don’t see how anyone interacting with him would have helped then.

   3. … so did you call the non-emergency number?

   4. I don’t even know where to start with this… unless the guy was actually flashing everyone (I presume not and there were boxer shorts involved?), this is just someone with a different style than yours. I don’t like it but the idea that people should approach him and scold him for the look is ridiculous.

      1. Right – I’m so confused – so are you saying this man was partially nude? And if so, yes, call the non-emergency number because maybe he is having a mental health crisis or something. But if that was just his outfit, then … who cares?

      2. OP here — yes — pants down (like he had just gone to the bathroom) and only pants on, but shuffling down the street (like I’ve seen toddlers do when they are potty-training).

         1. I feel like this response is missing a word – was dude wearing underwear over his p-nis and b-tt or not?

   5. You might be a stranger in “the bad part of the city” but the old folks telling the person acting out to shape up are not strangers to each other.
      A rando in the central business district is a whole other kettle of fish. All there is to do with a rando is keep your eyes forward and mind your business. Way too many people are armed and angry/unstable for there to be other viable options.

   6. This is the most pearl clutchy post I think I’ve ever seen on here, and I say that as a long time reader and a lover of pearls.

      How did this man harm you exactly?

      1. Yeah this. Was his dick out?

      2. +2 I had to laugh because you can see some real funky ish in rural poor areas by me too so I rolled my eyes hard at “what citites are becoming.” Mmmmk.

         1. Yeah, huge LOL to that line.

   7. I too was taking the train to Hoboken and hoping the Path into the city by the time I was 14. Trust me, things like this were happening back then too. But as a teenager, you don’t truly “see” it. But now, as a parent, in the city with my teenager, I notice every darn thing that could be perceived as dangerous or odd (he doesn’t notice). I honestly don’t think things have changed, you just have a different perspective because you’re an adult. Maybe that’s what you were trying to say…

   8. Are you talking about Seattle? Because dicks out downtown tweakers are a daily occurrence. I walked by one the last time I was downtown, avoided eye contact, but a guy walking near me told the guy to pull his pants up and the dude did.
      I’ve seen folks pooping on the sidewalk, lots of discarded needles, etc. A guy with an axe chopping rust off of metal sheets outside my office window. Locals say “it’s always been like this” but they are not able to see the reality and horror of allowing people to rot away on the streets with everyone just walking past. I don’t hear you looking down on the situation, just astonished that the most vulnerable are left without dignity or assistance on the streets of our cities.

      1. So what should somebody walking down the street do in the immediate moment?

         1. Keep walking

      2. I won’t walk around downtown Seattle now. I worked in downtown from 1977-1991 and 2000-2008 and 2010 to 2016, exclusively took transit and had nighttime meetings where I walked to the bus afterwards. Never seen the level of drugs, nakedness, depravity and homelessness.

   9. I think y’all are being intentionally obtuse it’s clear OP saw everything and is just being polite about it. Irrespective of socioeconomic status it’s not cool to flash people, especially children. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I have a similar fellow in my neighborhood and I am just not interested in seeing his willy but lord knows I have….many times.

   10. Please, I saw someone poop in a Bank of America on 8th street in NYC at 3pm. When I entered the bank, two people were *just waiting in line* to get their cash (I left). This was 10 yrs ago. As another poster wrote, there is mental illness and homelessness in cities. You’re just not used to it anymore.

   11. I live in DC and that’s been happening since the 80s. Not a new “what cities have become.”

5. What are your favorite scented candles?

   I’m getting the diptique minis from the NAS in a week or so, but I’m not sure I want to form a diptique habit…..

   1. Capri Blue – Volcano.

      I also love these candles called Great Outdoor National Parks in Coastal Redwood, which they used to sell on Uncommon Goods, but when I went to link it here, I found out they no longer sell them! ::Cue me crying:: But if you can find one, they’re great.

      1. So she evidently has her own site now I guess! Crisis averted. I love this one: https://ethicssupplyco.com/collections/the-national-parks/products/copy-of-national-park-candle-humboldt-redwoods-state-park-avenue-of-the-giants-12-oz-candle

         1. Ooh as a Northern Californian and a lover of redwoods I definitely, definitely need this one! Thank you!!

   2. I have been getting Keap Candles via subscription for a bit now. LGBT owned small business based in NY, and they write cute/corny notes in each package.

      1. ooh, will check them out, thanks! I’m a sucker for a corny sentiment.

6. I had an interesting discovery. Against my better judgement I bought a Kenzzi home IPL hair removal device. I used it once a week for 12 weeks and it completely removed all the age spots on my legs. I starting using it on my chest and hands and it works!!! When I think of all the hundreds (thousands maybe) of dollars I have spent on creams for age spots and laser treatments on my hands and chest and this is the thing that works. I have no financial interest in this at all, not an MLM. I’m just so amazed I had to tell someone..

   1. Did it work for hair removal too?!

   2. Whaaaaat? I sincerely hope you are for real. Did it also work on hair?

   3. This certainly reads like an ad.

      1. +1

   4. It worked so so on hair. I think maybe my hair is not dark enough. It worked on my brown spots though. Really not an ad. Just trying to pass on some useful info.

7. Do you think romantic or s3xual chemistry is either there or it isn’t or do you think it can grow?

   Having amazing conversations with someone living out of state but moving to my area later this year and we cannot travel to meet for a few months. Part of me feels like I should not invest if 5 seconds together would tell us we are incompatible, but part of me thinks that, if we are a match except instant chemistry, that could grow if we make the effort.

   Thoughts?

   1. For me romantic attraction definitely needs to grow and is mainly tied to knowing the person somewhat. Sexual chemistry for a hookup only can be more immediate. I feel like this is partially a know-thyself thing.

   2. For me, if there’s not a spark or immediate chemistry, I know that it won’t turn into a romantic relationship. I can have a casual FWB-type relationship otherwise and still have good you-know-what, but I haven’t found that feelings follow if there’s not a hint of them to begin with.

   3. I definitely believe the “slow burn” type of relationship is real, -and actually desirable – vs the kind that burns hot then flames out. If you really enjoy phone and video calls with this person then I think it’s a good sign. I was attracted to my now fiancé physically, but it was our greater chemistry and compatibility revealed itself over time. I’m not really a believer in the “spark,” either. I say go for it! Sounds like you guys have a good foundation to build something great once you’re in the same area.

   4. The amazing conversations *are* part of the romantic chemistry for me. I remember my heart leaping in the early days dating my husband (we were long distance) when an email came in, because I knew I was in for a treat – funny stories, sweet comments, etc – totally contributed to the spark.

      1. Agree. If I don’t feel that, I don’t want to make out with you to figure out if we have chemistry.

   5. I believe it can grow based on my current relationship. We were intellectually compatible/values compatible from the beginning and could not stop talking to each other, but the romance built really slowly and continues to after two years. I think for us it was really about building trust and bonding through sharing. I don’t think most people would have given it the time we did but I am not at all sorry that I did. We are in pur 40s and still don’t have deeply entwined lives, as neither of us is looking for a constant companion or marriage, so it is a bit different, but it is working for us and the slow burn has been really nice.

8. Is there a gender neutral salutation for a formal business letter? The previous version just had “Gentlemen.” I understand that “Ladies and Gentlemen” is still not gender neutral. For context, I am updating a form letter for notice of medical liens. The recipient(s) will be the injured party’s attorney(s). The letter will be filled out by someone in a physician’s office, and we’re trying to give them as little work to do as possible. I see on the internet that leaving out the salutation is increasingly popular, but my 65- and 67-year-old bosses may not go for that.

   1. Edit while my comment is awaiting moderation–the recipients will be attorneys, injured party, liable party, and insurance company. “Counsel” would be fine if it were just attorneys.

   2. I believe “To Whom It May Concern” is made for this, or alternatively, the template would have a blank for the actual recipients’ names to be filled in.

   3. Not right for your situation, but for more casual ones I’ve taken to simply using “Greetings” or “Greetings All” or “Greetings Team” (Or swap out greetings for “Good Afternoon” or “Good Morning” )

   4. If you need a salutation could you use “To whom it may concern:” or “To the concerned parties in the case of ABC”

      Probably better would be to use more of a subject line, even if its a physical letter.

      “Notice of Update in the matter of Patient ABC”

   5. I thought this was what “Dear Madam or Sir” is for. But I am old-school.

      1. Not everyone is one of those two. The most inclusive is “to whom it may concern” or “Colleagues” or “Council” “Hi All” or “Greetings All” or something like that.

      2. Exactly — this is old school. It’s not gender neutral, but inherently gendered and assumes no non-binary recipients. Might be fine for your world, but not what OP was asking for.

9. Earthquake! norcal.

   1. didn’t feel it but now I know why my ceiling lamp was swinging!

   2. OH COME ON. Is your Twitter/Facebook/Instagram feed not filled with every single person saying “earthquake!!”, so you had to come here too??

10. Hi! In the next few days I will be asked to assume the duties of an attorney that is returning to a law firm (I work as in-house counsel). I feel like his area of expertise is so specialized that I should ask for a raise. I’m the only person in the law department that has the subject matter expertise to take over his work. Thoughts? Thank you!!

    1. Taking over anyone’s duties or adding more work always seems like a logical time to ask for a raise! No harm in it!

    2. Ask to clarify what the raise and promotion are for taking on this increased scope. Don’t ask if, ask when. Absolutely this should come with a raise and promotion.

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